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moondirti · 11 months

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animalic (4)

← chapter three // series masterlist

pairing: miguel o'hara x f!reader rating: mature word count: 2.5k summary: things don't go according to plan warnings: enemies to lovers, light bondage, sexual tension, arousal, choking, canon-typical violence, dub-con elements, paralysis, suicidal ideation, self-hatred, angst, miguel o'hara is not nice, no use of y/n notes: y'all. i promise we are getting somewhere. i promise. lmk what you think tho cuz i thrive off comments

“Lyla?”

While you’re – regrettably – unable to make good on your promise to phase through the floor, you catch yourself hoping it splits to swallow you whole instead. It certainly would be a better alternative to the purgatory you currently face.

“Lyla? Come in, Lyla.”

Feeble rays of light filter in through the weathered windows, their reach slowly growing as night surrenders to the wakings of dawn. Variegated motes bob lazily, suspended upon the streams of sun, quivering back and forth between a range of countless colours. Paralysed and splayed atop the frigid, hard ground of the empty store-lot, you try counting them all for lack of anything else to do. Pink, green, orange, gold. You wonder what force chooses the order, whether it’s sequenced to fit some plan of high design.

“¡Ay, coño–”

Slowly, you let yourself scrutinise other things, too. The scent of neglect that permeates the stale air, particularly pungent around the entryway. You trace the yellow-brown mass that runs along the door’s hinge edge, and attribute the vaguely muddy smell to rot. Then, it’s the glint of shattered glass, winking at you from lost corner’s of the room. They look narrow, far too inconvenient to clean out with a standard broom. You revel in the understanding that whoever had been in charge of scouring the wreckage appears to share your habit of quick quitting.

It’s only when your vision begins to water do you divert your attention to the situation at hand. Last you needed to blink, it took half a minute for the command to register, and even longer for the motor neurons in your eyelids to act. By the time you eventually got them closed, you’d already started contemplating whether his venom would be the death of you.

(Lame end to a lame life.)

It didn’t take a genius to figure out, though. You know that, if he wanted to, he could’ve kept imbuing you with the substance until your body was no longer able to perform the basic mechanisms necessary to sustain life. He could have kept his fangs lodged deep into your neck – encroached upon your stuttering veins, bathing in the ichor that flowed – until he felt you go limp, concentrated with his poison. It would have been a denouement to his problems – right there, easy, sandwiched between him and the wall – but it wasn’t. Because he didn’t.

Just like he didn’t let you plummet to your death that day at the quarry, or strangle you while you were unconscious back at HQ.

So, no. It doesn’t take a genius to acknowledge that Miguel O’Hara doesn’t want you dead. As he fiddles with his malfunctioning watch, you endeavour to come up with a divisive list as to why that is.

One: you’ve charmed him. The notion is almost funny enough to elicit a snort, given that you weren’t cast in an immovable anathema.

Two: he’s a good guy. Somehow, this option seems less viable to you than the first.

You find your third prospect slinging from the threads of a fraying memory.

You’d been a student, before – attending college at a reputable institute close to home. It’s easy to forget what it was like most nights: cramped in that two hundred square foot dorm, borderline losing it as you tried to validate your claims on matter-antimatter rockets and their potential contribution to interstellar travel. There were concerns of total annihilation, and sourcing, and an array of other limitations – that which you’d dedicated your academic career to drawing up proposals for. It’s laughable now; the stress and theories blurring together to form a vague picture of your long-lost ambition.

You have a hard time conjuring what exact future you were so hopeful for, but the lamp by your roommate’s bed remains clear in your mind’s eye. Warm-white, comforting. For as long as you were awake, tapping away at a never-ending thesis, she’d work through the latest volume of her beloved murder mystery anthology.

It was the night before your start at an internship with Alchemax that the series came to a close. Her aggravated screams still ring fresh behind the clouded pane of time. You had thrown your pillow at her in a belligerent plea.

(You wanna elaborate?

The suspect behind every case was shot!

So? Isn’t that a good thing?

No, dumbass. It means the detectives fucking lost! They’ll never be able to prove how right they were.)

Admittedly, you know very little about Miguel, but you have an idea of what matters most to him. It’s entirely possible, then, that he refuses to kill you for what your death would do to negate his efforts thus far.

“Oye,”

Your mental traipse is reeled in when the devil himself snaps at you. Steadily, your pupils roll up to look at him.

“I need your day pass.”

You continue to stare. His jaw clenches.

“Because of your little headbutt outside, my watch is busted. My only hope of fixing it is by using the parts of your day pass.”

Is he asking? Does he expect you to respond?

You can’t fool yourself into believing he’s that ignorant.

But Miguel stays on standby, scanning your lax form. He takes in the webs that wrap around your waist, branching out to your thighs and shoulders, restraining your arms behind your back. When his eyes meet yours again, the reluctant question you see glaze over them pushes the recognition to the forefront of your mind.

He is asking.

Or, notifying – making sure you’re aware of what he’s about to do.

God, you wish you could speak. You’ve never come up with so much to say without promptly blurting it out before. Irritation and amusement rip at one another within you, locked in a brutal dogfight fated to have no real winner. How hypocritical of him to pick and choose when your treatment takes priority over his mission; you’re littered in marks that all point to his prior negligence of such subtle humanity. Four stabs above your wrist, a pounding migraine at your temple. If it weren’t for your paralysed stomach, you’re certain you would have regurgitated your innards as consequence to the concussion he’s given you.

But, oh.

How funny would it be if you agreed. To let him discover the harrowing truth for himself.

Deliberately, you muster an affirming blink.

Miguel's weariness escapes him in a heavy sigh, the weight of it etched upon his expression. Thick brows furrow, evidence to his age creasing between them, before he sinks down with a purposeful grace and carefully flips you over. Despite the resentment that festers in your gut, you can’t help but hiss a mental sigh of relief at the service it does to your elbows, which had begun throbbing in response to the pressure that the hardwood floor exerted.

From that point onward, it becomes a guessing game of sorts; you can’t see him, nor are you able to tilt your head and confirm your assumptions as to what he’s doing. Deprived of your most reliable sense, the others strain to fill the gaps in your knowledge, drawing upon every available cue; the sound of his miniscule grunts, the warmth of his skin – that which penetrates through his gloves. You’re alarmed into attempted action when the characteristic rip of his claws equipping pierces the strained air – your body powerless in addressing the adrenaline it secretes – until the spider-man touches his forefinger to your palm.

“Relax.” He all but commands. “I’m just cutting the webs off.”

You’ve no reason to trust him, of course, but you can’t exactly pitch a complaint right now.

(Perhaps it’s in your best interests to ignore how easy he’d been able to read you.)

A few moments of jostling ensue, before he withdraws with a curse. Your arms remain ensnared in the tight restraints, the ache that smarts your skin all too real for the continued predicament to be illusory. An assortment of jokes occur to you.

Can’t get it up?

In your peripheral, you catch him weighing his options. The pause is laden with a sticky indecision – this change in placement, you realise, exacerbates the already difficult task of breathing for you.

While you fixate on that fact, he seems to come to a conclusion. With one swift manoeuvre, he positions himself astride your thighs, straddling the deadened extremities, and reaches forward to push your wrists apart. You’re quick to catch on to his intention, how the arrangement gives him better leverage, yet–

His groyne presses into the swell of your ass, worsening with every bid to sever the webbing. It’s impossible not to notice, especially not when the seam of your jeans start to shift in tandem, smoothing over your clothed core. It’s not exactly ecstasy, far from it — no rainbow blooms, tingling gold from your toes to your nose – but it’s been ages since you were last roused like this. Enough for it to feel brand new, a wrapped curse in a prim little bow, eager for all that you shouldn’t be.

And… Christ–

And then he unfastens the lines around your arms, and runs his hands up your skin. It’s not gentle, nor is it brutish, but you can feel his desperation escalating. His touches grow progressively antagonistic, kneading your palms up to your shoulders, patting down to the shallow pockets of your pants. You’re searched like you hold the key to his success – you suppose that, in some oddly comical way, you do. And it should be upsetting, blasphemous.

But you’re no sacred thing. You’d laid down that possibility a long time ago.

No. You’re foul, questionable at your best, and erupt into goosebumps over the ruthless grip of a man who hates your very soul. You’re a deeply detestable spirit, truly, but a detestable spirit who has just managed to get one up on Miguel O’Hara.

He throws you back around, wrapping his hands around your throat. His snarl is primal, maturated in acrid anger.

“Where is it?”

You’re sure that, in some alternate reality, your face is stretched in a shit-eating grin.

“Where’s the fucking day pass?”

Your satisfaction is short-lived.

You’ve never been one to notably detest humiliation. It’s productive – healthy, even – in smaller doses; a fitting consequence for those who you deem deserve it. Yet, as you find yourself unceremoniously hoisted over Miguel’s shoulder, forced into a meandering parade through the streets of New York, you breach into uncharted territory – a threshold where your tolerance encounters its breaking point.

He makes no effort to soften his strides, unmoved by the idea of providing even a shred of respite for your susceptible self. If anything, it feels as though he deliberately seeks out the harshest terrain, silently chastising your earlier defiance in the most passive aggressive manner known to man. He’d reinforced your constraints before marching out on this fruitless venture, and now you bobble uselessly, backside pointed upward, anchored solely by the meaty arm around your knees.

At least you’ve regained control of your mouth.

“D’stroyed it. Gone. Dearly d’parted–”

“If you’re going to run that little mouth, then make it helpful.”

“M’bein’ helpfoo,” you start, straining your weakened vocal cords in an effort to mock him. The grip of paralysis may have slackened its hold, but neurotransmission remains at an all time, sluggish low. In all actuality, it astounds you that he can even begin to decipher your words from the tangled murmurs they become.

“You had it on at the convenience, and a little bit afterward. You can’t expect me to believe that you dealt with it while running for your life.”

Running for your life. Sure.

Displeasure sparks at the confidence he imbues in his assumption.

“Escoos m– hnngh–” A sudden jump of stress robs you of breath, your stomach plummeting alongside the rapidly distancing ground. As Miguel propels himself above the city skyline, effortlessly evading the crowded streets via a web he’d grappled to an adjacent building, you’re confronted with a stark reality – that this is the very first time you have ever, and likely will ever, experience what it’s like to swing.

It’s exhilarating and nauseating all at once, gravity relinquishing its command as you transcend the confines of the physical, soaring through some reality where law loses significance. If it had been you, your arms and skill and jurisdiction, you’d never come down. But maybe that’s why it isn’t; maybe your life was meant to lead up to this, and only ever this.

(Not antimatter technologies or heroic conquest. Yeah, this feels more fitting.)

Your skin prickles. You phase through the sturdy frame that’s held you up so far, and plummet from its grasp.

Slicing through the boundless sky, you’re accompanied by a profound tranquillity. It isn’t absolute – fear still gnaws at your core, its presence undeniable. But, amidst the churning horror, your instincts are fainter than they ought to be. They whisper in a subdued tone, overshadowed by conflicting conceptions. One, being the inference you’d drawn earlier about how – whether you like it or not – Miguel would not let you die.

Another, quieter suspicion hints toward the full reality of your… relief.

Though, of course, you’re right about the former. Tree-trunk biceps wrap around your waist, pulling you close as he slingshots off to a nearby rooftop. You flop into him, a ragdoll to the overwhelming force of his agitation, and squeeze your eyes shut at the hints of patchouli permeating from under his mask.

You don’t have to face the gospel just yet.

“¿Qué mierda? Eh?” He shouts, propping you up against a ledge. “What the fuck was that?”

You don’t have an answer for him. Your heart lurches, catching up to the urgency at hand, striking on the hollow bars of your ribcage to some reckless tune. It’s only amplified by the torrent of blood distending through your system, throbbing at your temple, rushing by your ears.

What the fuck, indeed.

He damns you, it seems, with a fervour that breaches the heavens, as if willing God Himself to commit his plea to eternal memory. Or not; truthfully, you can’t tell. With the roar of your own snowballing thrill, it becomes impossible to discern the sequence of interrogations that explode from him. The world around you fades to the background, your preoccupancy consumed by the disquietude it leaves in its wake.

Your sense is only validated a minute later when, two blocks away, an ear-piercing shriek ruptures your dissociation.

Miguel stiffens, slowly turning to face its source.

𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘈𝘙𝘈𝘊𝘏𝘕𝘖-𝘏𝘜𝘔𝘈𝘕𝘖𝘐𝘋 𝘗𝘖𝘓𝘠-𝘔𝘜𝘓𝘛𝘐𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘚𝘌 𝘋𝘈𝘛𝘈𝘉𝘈𝘚𝘌:

Earth-15 – analysed, marked as closed.

Spider-totem – The Spider: soon after being bit by his radioactive spider, convicted felon Peter Parker merged with Earth-15’s variation of the carnage Symbiote.

Notes – do not engage, at any cost.

chapter five →

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hariboz · 5 months

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here you go nonnie!! took a while again i’m sorry 😵‍💫

boyfriend!gunwook who never misses a thing you say. whether it be a joke no one else heard, a little chime of agreement to something a friend said, an annoyed grumble at a topic you loathe — gunwook picks up on it all. it doesn’t matter how many people you’re hanging out with, or who he’s currently talking to. he always has an eye — and ear — out for you, encouraging you to speak up and if the situation calls for it, even diverts everyone’s attention to you because he wants to make sure you know people listen to you <3

boyfriend!gunwook who laughs at your jokes like no one else ever has. his giggling at your offhand joke alone is enough to make you feel like comedy is your true calling. it’s a little embarrassing when he runs off to get a friend to listen to your little joke, gunwook so proud of your apparent comedic genius he doesn’t even really pick up on the fact the joke really only lands with him — which is enough for you anyways, because his uncontrollable giggles are the only ones you want to hear.

boyfriend!gunwook who is very particular about his cuddle time, and he will play dirty if you force him to by trying to deprive him of his cuddles. uses his whole body if he has to, clinging to you like you’d evaporate the second you aren’t tightly squished against him. huffs and puffs when you try to wiggle free, whining back even louder when you start complaining that you have to go to the bathroom. good luck getting out of his grasp <3

boyfriend!gunwook who thrives on teasing you, specifically regarding things he’s supposedly better at. he’s taller? get ready for all the cheesy short jokes you’ve heard before, your stuff magically appearing on shelves out of reach. he’s stronger? incessant flexing while doing the most mundane tasks. he’s faster, better at mario kart, won against you in monopoly once? welp, too bad, he’s never letting it die. as cliché as his jokes and comments may be, they have a certain sweetness to them when he breathes them out between his giggles, so you don’t mind too much when he’s looking at you like that.

boyfriend!gunwook who really enjoys doing cute little spa dates with you. he enjoys doing you skin care together, talking about your days while peeling face masks off your face. his favourite thing, though, is when you do his skincare for him after he had a bad week. he just lays down and lets you do your thing, and the way you gently massage the product into his face, cooing at his sleepy face truly makes him forget about why he was upset in the first place. :( <3

boyfriend!gunwook who cannot bear the thought of you upset. “y/n” and “upset” shouldn’t even go into the same sentence, in his opinion. he’s your all-in-one stop when you’re upset; he’s comfort in all possible ways. he offers you an ear and just listens if that’s what you want, nodding along and running his hand through your hair soothingly. he offers advice and his opinion if you ask for it, he cuddles with you in silence and let’s you cry into him if that what you need. he’s your distraction, maybe taking you out to eat to get you out of your slump, maybe offering a silly rant himself to have your mind focus on something else, maybe just sitting cuddled up next to you while watching another rerun of your favourite show. he’d play your personal jester as long as it gets at least a tiny smile back on your face... </3

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kouyou-arc-when · 3 months

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ON DAZAI AND EMPATHY: A character study Before you read: Obviously diagnosing any character in fiction seriously is a fool’s errand, but I am a fool, so let’s just do this for amusement. The main thing I desire is to discuss is the extent to which Dazai is capable of various types of empathy, as well as how that influences the way he sees and interacts with others. It will be chaotic and all over the place because I just sat down and wrote this in a fit. Let me explain some factors in analyzing Osamu: The author's intention is clearly to make Dazai's internal world a mystery. Since we don't have enough information, all we can do is hypothesize based on external elements. Generally, across all novels, the only time we’ve seen anything of Dazai’s perspective is in “The Day I picked up Dazai” (Beast continuity) – where he “saves” Oda and tortures that random dude. We don’t hear his thoughts narrated from first-person perspective, unlike many of the other novels.

Now, the crux of the issue. For years, it’s been discussed whether Dazai is a “sociopath”. If we disregard that sociopathy is a very loaded term that can mean a lot of things depending on which specialist you consult, at the very least, Dazai does strike me as someone with a unique expression of empathy, who could qualify for Anti-social personality disorder or a related condition. I will abandon the idea that Dazai is a sociopath, and use actual concepts that have legitimacy within this post. Whether Dazai could qualify for ASPD or any other disorder is something I've seen discussed for many years within the fandom. I'll try to analyze how these concepts could apply to him. In regards to mental health and Kafka (since it is a contentious matter) and the validity of any of this: I understand that a lot of people are resistant to the idea that any of the characters could have conditions more complex than depression, anxiety, and PTSD. This is my counterpoint. I have noticed that Asagiri emulates a lot of characteristics commonly attributed to “geniuses”, without confirming or potentially even intending to write these characters as having a specific condition.

A great example is Ranpo – who will read as autistic to any decent mental health professional (Untold Origins). Did Asagiri intentionally sit down and say “I am going to write an autistic character”? Maybe not. However, the “genius” stereotype is profoundly connected to visions of autism, even if people aren’t aware of it. Take people like Sherlock, House and L from Death Note – they’re commonly believed to be autistic by fans. All of these characters borrow from the same group of traits, that just happens to correspond with a certain condition - savants have always been popular in fiction. It's been known that the favorite type of character for Asagiri is the “prodigy” type, and he has used geniuses across fiction for inspiration of most notable intelligent characters within BSD. For Ranpo it was Sherlock, for Fyodor it was Joker from the Dark Knight (a classic sociopath), for Dazai it was Patrick from The Mentalist.

What I’m trying to say is, you can see various personality disorders connected to the portrayal of these geniuses, and even without confirming their state, it is clear they are either intentionally or unintentionally coded to be that way. Extremely intelligent characters not being able to read social cues, lacking empathy, disregarding rules etc. is something we commonly see in fiction. Basically, a lot of people don’t even know that these stereotypes are based on certain personality types, disorders, and illnesses. It’s sort of like drawing a character and dyeing their hair a certain shade of blue that you don’t know the particular name of: it doesn’t change the fact that you used that color, and the fact it has a name. Most authors are not mental health experts anyways, so they may not be entirely aware of every detail of the psychological framework they write the character to possess. They also may not write it consistently, as they're mostly emulating stereotypes. I mention Ranpo and autism because a character can embody traits of a stereotype without the author even necessarily having the intention to do so, however, to anyone who knows a thing or two, it is clear Ranpo is on the spectrum. If Ranpo were to express a few traits that go against this, it would not necessarily take away from the large-scale portrayal he is meant to exude: an autistic coded genius.

Why am I saying this? It is entirely possible for the author to write Dazai as a person with anti-social personality disorder, to “code” him in that way, but to not be entirely aware of how an individual with ASPD realistically tends to act. Because he may be emulating a certain "stereotype" of a genius, he may also end up emulating specific psychological states, without making them entirely consistent in a realistic way. Writing the way individuals with ASPD tend to deal with empathy can be extremely difficult for anyone. It's easy to emulate a sociopath on a superficial level, but beyond that, it gets more challenging. How would a person with limited empathy act when they're hurting someone? That is an easier idea to handle. But how will they act in a friendly relationship? This is where it gets tricky. That is likely why someone like Dazai can never be consistently compatible with a very specific disorder: but, he can come very close. Besides, concepts such as anxiety and depression are pretty well-known, but more niche mental health conditions are not as well understood. So, BSD Osamu was written with specific attention to mental health issues because the author himself was someone who spoke heavily on the topic. I’ve read a lot of real-life Dazai Osamu, with special attention to No Longer Human (the main inspiration for BSD Dazai was Yozo) – and neither RL Dazai nor Yozo gave me the impression they could qualify for ASPD at all.

I know BSD Dazai is the opposite of the RL author in so many ways, but I guess it’s relevant to mention this because we know so little of BSD Dazai’s internal working processes, and Asagiri's main inspiration can tell us a lot about the intentions behind Dazai's portrayal. Generally, an intention or idea behind a character can give a lot of clues to us - more than anything, I am under the impression some of the main ideas behind Dazai's creation was that: 1) He doesn't feel like he belongs among humans 2) He has mental health issues However, we have difficulty defining the exact source of why all of this is in more realistic terms.

Naturally, since Dazai, an extremely socially intelligent person, sees himself as "othered", it is logical to assume he is not capable of fulfilling some emotional function most people can in a successful enough way. If he were just mentally ill in more typical ways (only depression), I theorize he wouldn't feel that "othered". He specifically is not meant to feel human. Obviously, his extreme intelligence is one of the things that isolates him, but the question is what else?

We are led to believe Dazai "sees" something the rest of us don't, and that is one of the reasons he wants to die. However, there is something more to it, as I believe it to be. We have two characters who are as intelligent as Dazai: Fyodor and Ranpo, and neither of them is suicidal, as far as we know. I believe Dazai "feels" a certain way, and then finds a way to logically justify it. Due to his intelligence, he likely falls into a complex loop which leads him to existential nihilism: but you usually don't end up in a place like that if you tend to feel alright in the first place, regardless of how smart you may be. While Dazai is certainly isolated due to his extreme intelligence, most of the people who made an impact on him are nowhere near him in that respect. In fact, I'd argue Dazai isn't even looking for someone equally intelligent to him, unlike Fyodor (this would take another post to explain).

The man who means the world to him, Oda, is more emotionally intelligent and full of common sense, but definitely not his cognitive equal. You can tell a lot about a person depending on what they value: and due to this I believe that Dazai's main issues relate to emotional matters. He primarily feels isolated due to his emotional state, and his intelligence pushes the problem further. Otherwise, he would treasure people like Ranpo and Fyodor over guys like Oda and Atsushi: he's looking for something to ease his emotional pain. Dazai doesn't seek out raw intellectual stimulation as much as comfort/excitement. This post will be an analysis of how Dazai compares to the "average" psychologically and some of the reasons he may feel so othered. Basically, my theory is that the feeling of being "othered" comes from his emotional profile, as much as it comes from his intellectual capacity. Those two take equal parts in his psyche.

Why would Dazai feel so emotionally "othered"? I believe it may have to deal with a specific personality disorder or condition, and mainly how he experiences empathy. One of the possibilities is ASPD. Anyways, let’s look into common ASPD symptoms, and then we'll look into common behavioral patterns the character shows. Dazai is equal amounts portrayed seriously and in a “jokey” way, but his worst traits and moments are usually described without humor. To preface: Keep in mind that you can have any or all of these traits without it qualifying you for a certain disorder. It is the extent to which you show it that makes a person, like Dazai, out of the norm.

1. Repeatedly breaking the law: This one goes without saying, he was in the Mob as Young as 15, and seemingly a violent criminal even before that age. To differentiate him from other members of the Mafia, it is stated by tons of people throughout the story that Dazai was practically born for this job.

Oda in Dark Era:

He was openly murderous before the age of 15, according to both The Day I picked up Dazai and Fifteen:

Dazai and Oda interacting in TDIPUD When talking to Kyouka, it seems that he has an “interesting relationship” with murder as a whole:

One thing is for sure, Dazai is much calmer, calculated, and more Machiavellian than most criminals in BSD, and this all started at an extremely young age. Many people kill when they're young, but they're not this casual about it. The age at which he was this cold about would be of diagnostic significance.

2. Lack of remorse: Everything mentioned above, it is clear that Dazai has an even more complicated relationship with guilt and empathy. I’m pretty sure anyone in real life would consider him out of the norm, as it’s explicitly stated Dazai doesn’t feel remorse for all sorts of things he does, but there are some hints he is either ashamed of the way he is, or regrets his nature, but accepts it. What is particularly significant here is how young Dazai is when he shows a marked level of these traits. A key event that stuck with me is from the Dragon Head event in Mayoi (from my understanding it was written by Asagiri), where Shibusawa mentions Dazai will regret something (to me it sounded like he meant that killing Shibusawa will end poorly for Osamu). However, Dazai’s reaction was interesting – it was like he was almost amused that anyone would believe Dazai “could” feel regret for anything.

Mayoi Later down the timeline it’s quite questionable whether Dazai feels regret for some of his actions because he hides his feelings like a snake hides its legs, but there are implications he is somewhat remorseful if you read between the lines. More on that later. Dazai has changed compared to his past self, but to talk about that, and the extent to which he has changed would take a whole other post.

More on his lack of remorse, In “The Heartless Cur” Dazai is very young when he gets some randos from the Mafia killed in front of Akutagawa, yet his main emotions are amusement and boredom. This is not the “typical” emotional range of most people, even practiced criminals. For example, Chuuya kills people just like Dazai, but his reactions to it are entirely different.

from The Heartless Cur Murder tends to not be the preferred or first solution Chuuya goes for: there is an expected amount of hesitance if you read into Chuuya. He put a bomb below Chuuya’s and sabotaged Ango’s car without much bother. I’d say even if you do see It as a “means to an end”, the way he did it was really cold. Usually, when people of all kinds do bad things, they have remorse and empathy they need to suppress, but with Dazai we don't see much of that. It's like he can just "do it'. He’s also really great at torture, in Side B at age 15-16, he already describes himself as a “specialist”. This is also touched upon when he speaks to Kouyou:

No matter how "grey" a character is, torture is a very specific process that takes a particular psychological profile to pull off. To be a "specialist" at it, you definitely need to possess dented empathy. Lack of remorse and empathy does not mean a person is going to be a criminal at all - it simply opens the opportunity that they may get lost in those waters more easily compared to the average person.

3. Repeatedly being deceitful I’m pretty sure we don’t have to cover this one. Yozo, the character he was loosely based on, is a big liar, and commonly uses “clowning” to distract from his real personality. Even the real Dazai Osamu wrote extensively about the concept of “lying”. There is a lot to talk about Dazai and “masking”, and I’ll get to that in the second half of the post. Generally, Dazai lies a lot, one can’t even be sure what his personality really is. He lies by omission, manipulates, and intentionally deceives people without any issues. There are so many quotes about this that I’d probably reach the image limit right there if I wanted to reference them all. 4. Being impulsive or incapable of planning ahead Does not apply

5. Has difficulty sustaining long-term relationships: Dazai is famously a hoe. From “All women are his type” (and it seems he has zero issues getting together with any woman, young, old or even taken) to being known as “the enemy of all women” (said by Chuuya), it’s clear he is very promiscuous. Wan is in the gray area of canon, but in one of the earlier chapters he has so many love letters by different women that Atsushi burns them all. Kunikida said he hits on any woman he sees in the Entrance exam novel, which is further supported by random Wan! Chapters, silly crossovers, and everything else (literally anything female).

Not only that, but Dazai sounds like a consistently manipulative and toxic romantic partner. In an Otomedia interview, written by Asagiri, Dazai’s real type was basically something like: “Any woman is fine, because he is confident he can shape her to suit his tastes” which shows a remarkable lack of care for the personhood and individuality of his partner.

When answered what he’d do if his partner cheated or betrayed him, his answer was even more concerning. Depending on the translation, it goes something like: “He has not been cheated on, but he has cheated on others” or “he set up women to cheat on him/betray him” where both are a lot, just in different ways.

Either he is compulsively unfaithful, putting all above together, or he plays mindgames with his partners. He’s also told Kunikida that: “And from my experience, it takes only a smile and some kindness to get a woman swooning over you when she's fallen on hard times” painting an image of someone who takes advantage of people’s weaknesses to get what he wants.

Regardless, it’s clear he is very manipulative and likely emotionally abusive. I won’t even touch upon his obsession with double suicide. There’s also the fact that he seems to use sex to get what he wants – insert scene where he fucks the nurse to get his phone back.

Other than that, Dazai appears to be rather solitary. Ango and Oda are said to be “the only ones close to him” because they respected said loneliness. Even in ADA, Dazai seems to be professionally close to people, but very few people seem to know him on a personal level. I’d say he keeps people at a distance intentionally – before it was violently, later it is by being avoidant. For as much of a womanizer he is, there was that early comic where he spent Valentine’s Day drinking at Lupin “with Oda”, instead of going out with any particular person. I think this demonstrates how emotionally distant he is from all the people he interacts with

6. Being irritable and aggressive:

Dazai is not particularly aggressive, nor irritable, but he has moments where he slips. Tbh, reading back, it says a lot about Dazai’s character who he gets angry at and why. It’s important to say that when Higuchi calls him out on “Hollowing out the hearts of his opponents” in incredibly brutal ways, Dazai replies that he thinks “Sadism is just a method, and how it’s boring”.

Akutagawa is the receiver of a lot of his violence to a disproportionate degree. He beats up Akutagawa beyond what could ever be “just training”. There’s something that ticks him off about Akutagawa, which is interesting, since Dazai tends to not react this way to anyone who doesn’t touch him “intimately” in some way. A lot of people justify Dazai’s physical abuse by saying it is “training”, but it stood out to me how he kicks Akutagawa in the stomach even the first time he meets him in “Beast”, when Akutagawa is just an extremely traumatized and deprived kid he refuses to recruit. There is not much utility to that kick, to me. It felt personal.

Another example of him expressing anger is when people “called him foolish for wanting to die” – clearly he did not take it well since all of those people ended up dead. This is from “The Day I picked up Dazai” when Oda tells him he is a fool for wanting to die.

Other times Dazai expressed rage was in relation to Ango and Oda, particularly anything that related to Oda’s wellbeing.

He snaps at his subordinates when they tell him he shouldn’t be friends with someone “of such low status”, and the only time we really hear Dazai say he hates someone is when he’s torturing one of the guys who put Oda in trouble in the Beast timeline of “The day I picked up Dazai”. Obviously, he is resentful towards Ango and incapable of forgiving him. “Dead Apple” guidebook touches on it.

“Though they were once good buddies who used to drink together, to Dazai, Ango is one of the persons who caused the death of Odasaku. He still holds that resentment up to now, and is unable to forgive. Ango also seems to feel Dazai’s silent wrath towards him.”

Harukawa has said to pay attention to how cloudy the eyes of a character are to accurately interpret their psychological state. I don't think there are many times Dazai's eyes are drawn in such an extreme way - there is no "light" she talks about here. His eyes are pure black when he talks to Mori during the Guild arc.

He also agrees with Fyodor on “Malice being the best fruit that God Bestowed upon Mankind”

There is also this with Jouno:

Basically, Dazai rarely gets angry, insults don’t work on him (as he tells Chuuya), nor does beating him up, but when he does get irritated he flies off the handle and has no issue crossing any normal boundaries.

That detail is what stands out to me – usually, people have a line they won’t cross when getting mad, but for Dazai it’s like most moral lines disappear. Imo, his anger is for social standards over disproportionate in how far he’ll go and how he'll act on it– he usually has a clear intention to harm the individual he's mad about. In comparison, Chuuya is someone who gets angry more than Dazai, but Chuuya clearly has a line he won’t cross. There is also no pointed sadism in his reactions. Dazai will likely do almost anything.

Basically, it's not how much Dazai gets angry, but the way he gets mad that sticks out to me. Most importantly, Dazai only ever gets enraged if it concerns something very personal and intimate: Oda and his death, his suicide attempts etc. At this point, for me, It’s safe to say that if Dazai gets extremely angry, it means the topic affects him on a deep level (a hint to whatever Is happening between him and Akutagawa, I could talk a lot about that).

More on Dazai’s unpredictable and violent nature:

Stormbringer I think there is a valid argument in seeing Dazai’s aggression as just a tool he uses to keep others at bay, something to hold over people and control them – but even then, it shows a marked disinterest in social norms people usually respect.

7.Having a reckless disregard for their safety or the safety of others This one builds upon all the others. However, it’s always been interesting to me how it’s clear something flies over Dazai’s head when it comes to regularly empathizing with others.

This is often seen with Chuuya. In my opinion, most of the bullying Dazai gives Chuuya is not motivated out of rage, but rather some form of spite. He goes at length to Rimbaud about planning Chuuya’s murder in “15”, then he also lets Chuuya be tortured in “Stormbringer”.

I am under the impression he sees these moments as “amusing” and doesn’t fully emotionally understand why this is something bad, even if he does on a rational level. I’ll say that Dazai did seem to show some rage whenever anyone hurt him physically in the past (seems likely to be a hint to a traumatic past), which Chuuya did when they met, but I don’t get the impression he is generally angry with Chuuya, it’s more like he just enjoys fucking with him. Ironically, for how rarely Dazai gets angry, it seems he reserves his rage/irritation exclusively for people and things he cares about, so Dazai being specifically irritated at Chuuya is just a sign of how much the guy gets to him.

If Dazai were angry at Chuuya, it is in character that he would try to hurt him a lot more than he does. However, I'd say Dazai has a blurry space for what's ok between "keeping someone purely safe" and "deeply hurting them". There is some lack of emotional empathy there - to him, it is more amusing than anything to see someone he finds interesting struggle.

Dazai sees boundaries differently. He’ll put people into danger or through discomfort without worrying much, especially if he’s sure they’re going to walk and live after it, but sometimes not even that. (there’s so many examples of it). I’d say it’s not that Dazai doesn’t care, he just cares about people differently compared to what we’re used to socially.

Regarding personal safety, it’s pretty obvious: he’s a suicide maniac, but even more, he also puts himself in harm’s way all the time without any anxiety present. Examples are when he provokes that sniper in Dark Era (when Oda gets angry at him and wants to punch him), knows he is going to get shot by Fyodor, but lets himself get hurt anyway. When he “dies” in 55 minutes, he seems “lightly” surprised, but there’s no strong reaction to it. To me, it seems that the only physical harm he dislikes is pain he suffers from another person (when he doesn’t plan it). Dazai apparently doesn’t feel much “anxiety” – I remember many different times when he comments on another character’s timidness or meekness, seeing it as something unusual.

8. Behave irresponsibly and show disregard for normal social behaviour He’s extremely eccentric, and even Ranpo says he doesn’t get him. Dazai asks women to commit suicide the moment he meets them, and often attempts suicide around people even if it distresses them (Entrance exam).

While I think he made this excuse in Dark Era to Taneda because he didn’t want to work with Ango, I do believe he believes what he said: “You’d lose your job if I did that.” Dazai wryly smirked. “I don’t like places with lots of rules.” Not being able to accept conventional rules is very often a telltale sign of a personality disorder. Clearly, Dazai fits many of the criteria necessary for having ASPD, so let’s look at some other details that are common for people with ASPD.

Masking: In psychology and sociology, masking is the process in which an individual camouflages their natural personality or behavior to conform to social pressures. Masking is common with many disorders, such as autism, ASPD etc. I am pretty sure it’s canon Dazai masks – on a BSD exhibit, the key element Asagiri wanted to talk about in Dazai’s personality was related to this.

“When I describe Dazai to the staff, there is a phrase that I always use, “an unworldly being with a mental age of two thousand years.” Dazai has far surpassed the mental dimension that human can reach, thus no-one can even tell if the emotions he shows are the real things or not.

There are rare moments when that Dazai shows his very “human” side. That is when he talks to another superhuman who is on the same level with him. The other is when he talks about his old friend who has passed. This is the scene when Kyouka wondered “Maybe I’m, after all, just a murderer at heart.” and refused to be saved. And Dazai’s reaction to that. When he said “Don’t give me any of that!” here, he really meant it. That was an outburst from Dazai, as a 22-year-old boy, in this scene.” Light novels often describe his smile as fake, mask-like, and I could probably find 20 panels where Harukawa clearly drew him to intentionally seem like a fake smiler. From “15” to “Entrance exam”, Dazai often drops his mask, and then goes back to acting silly just to make the other person relax. He does this with everyone, Mori, Kunikida, Atsushi, etc. Chuuya also mentions that Dazai’s “happy-go-lucky” personality in ADA is something new, and he believes it doesn’t fit him.

Kunikida says this in the Entrance Exam: "For someone so full of eccentricities, there is something about his behavior that makes it seem as if he has an unobstructed view of the world. I don’t know exactly why, but all his emotions strike me as an act to some degree. Is he just playing dumb? Could there be more to him than he’s letting on, lurking behind his ambiguous mannerisms?"

More than anything, Dazai himself says that Oda was the person closest to seeing his “real” personality. That pretty much confirms he keeps his real self hidden away. I’d say that there are several possibilities to why this is: He hides it because he dislikes being vulnerable, he doesn’t know how to act “normal”, people are unable to understand him, so masking makes it easier for him to communicate with others…there’s a lot of theorizing I could do here.

Dazai also tends to have interesting thoughts about personalities as a concept.

You’ll commonly see Dazai say something serious, followed by a severe reaction of the other character, ending with Dazai changing his demeanor and saying “just kidding” to lighten the air.

Manipulation: Dazai is extremely Machiavellian – he is prone to manipulating everyone around him, regardless of how much they care about him or not. He manipulated Chuuya into joining the mafia, he does the same with Akutagawa even today: Here we have him preying on Aku's insecurities to sabotage his self-confidence

He seems to be able to cut off his emotions from any situation, seeing people in a raw, factual sense.

There are several moments throughout the novels where Dazai talks about people as if they’re purely resources or pawns. An example of this in Dead Apple (where Chuuya gets angry because he doesn't respect people or show enough sympathy)

The way he speaks of Atsushi, when asked what he thinks of him in a guidebook, is something like “developing as expected”. Especially in the original, it sounds extremely factual, mechanical, and cold. To me, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about Atsushi, he’s just the type to compartmentalize his emotions in opposition to his thinking. This is very common for a few personality disorders and mental health conditions: the capacity to totally cut off your emotions from the equation. Obviously, many people are capable of doing this to one extent or another, but the amount to which he does it is what makes it significant.

Lack of traditional empathy: Personally, I think everything comes down to this. Dazai's experiences with empathy are one of the main themes of his character arc. I believe one of the things that makes him feel othered is his lack of emotional empathy.

People with ASPD tend to have issues experiencing what a lot of people consider “typical” empathy – however, ASPD is also on a large spectrum, so experiences certainly vary. Keep in mind that "lack of empathy" is common for all sorts of disorders, but since ASPD seems to be one of the most popular choices for Dazai, I decided to start there.

Before we continue, there are 2 types of empathy: Cognitive empathy is the ability to recognize and understand someone’s feelings and experiences and imagine yourself in those scenarios. Emotional empathy is experiencing shared emotions with someone or feeling emotions as though the experience is your own.

People with ASPD can commonly do the first type easily, and struggle with the second one. It does not mean they cannot experience emotional empathy, it’s just rarer for them to feel it. In my opinion, Dazai heavily relies on Cognitive empathy compared to Emotional empathy.

You can see often that he seems to not entirely understand “why” something is wrong on a personal level, but he can logically see it. This is a running theme, and you can commonly see that Dazai doesn’t fully understand “normal”.

“15” Asagiri seems to be writing Dazai as someone who has gone “beyond the human dimension” in his skills and intelligence, so other people can’t fully understand him, but I think this goes both ways. Dazai has lost touch with what’s the standard human experience.

One of the times Chuuya specifically calls out Dazai for not "acting human-like" is when he's not expressing empathy and respect. It is clear that Dazai's lack of empathy is one of the aspects which make others see him as "inhuman".

There is another situation with Kunikida during the Azure Messenger arc where Dazai seems to apologize for not getting something “is normal”, it slips by you very easily. It is framed as a joke, and it can be read as him making fun of Kuni, but Kunikida asks himself why Dazai apologized. It does read a bit unusually.

To me it seems like Dazai doesn’t fully emotionally understand other people, so when his mask slips you can see that he struggles a ton with getting what’s exactly “typical”.

Because Dazai is extremely intelligent, he masks in order to fit into society, and he does it successfully since he can intellectually understand most social and emotional functions and processes. However, he slips up like everyone does. This is why he got along with Oda well – since Oda just let him act like himself without having ulterior motives. Dazai didn’t have to “mask”. He didn't see Dazai as "just anyone", but he also realized Dazai was human. Basically, to Oda Dazai was a kid that had empathy issues, but he was struggling much like everyone else.

Personally, I feel like Dazai doesn’t feel entirely “human” because he doesn’t feel “emotional empathy” on the same level as other people, and this is one of the key issues of the character (as it's clearly stated in the Dead Apple manga, where Dazai does seem a bit upset by Chuuya's reaction)

. The reason he felt “seen” by Oda is because Oda fully recognized this and still believed Dazai could do “good”. In our society, it is common for people to think that "empathy" and "sympathy" are conditions for being a good person, but it isn't so simple. The possible complexity of Dazai's moral state is why I find the character so interesting - a person without traditional empathy choosing to be good is really fascinating. (more on this later).

Boredom and general emptiness: “Boredom” is an extremely common complaint for people with ASPD – in fact, intense, non-standard boredom, along with other symptoms such as atypical experience with empathy, is one of the easiest ways to recognize ASPD. A “numbed” emotional state is common for people with ASPD, and due to their different emotional range and inability to connect with others in a more typical fashion, they are prone to “boredom” and seeking out extreme experiences.

Alcoholism/Substance abuse is common for people with ASPD, and it’s pretty much canon Dazai drinks a lot (alcohol is even in his likes). Aside from that, Dazai often cites boredom as one of the main reasons he wants to die, and I remember so many instances where he complains about it in bizarre circumstances. This is common for people with ASPD: depression/suicidality is comorbid, and I have heard people with ASPD mention they wanted their life to end once they no longer have enough stimulation. Dazai is often stated to be “bored”, or look bored even when extremely horrifying things are happening (people dying around him/telling their life stories..). An example with Mori where he talks about wishing to die (from 15):

Another really funny thing, a lot of people with ASPD I have seen tend to dislike “dogs”. Obviously, this hatred comes from the real life Dazai being scared of them and thinking they can attack at any moment, but it’s a funny coincidence. They tend to dislike dogs for an entirely different reason than Dazai does, to be fair.

How Dazai seems to see himself and morals in general

Generally, to me it seems like Dazai is not entirely happy with his nature. He admires Oda and doesn’t understand why he wouldn’t use his talents to rise up in ranks within the Mafia, simply because that is logical to Dazai – perhaps it is that difference between them that he enjoys so much. He is frequently attracted to displays of empathy:

Examples: 1. Ango documenting the deaths of people within the mafia even if it’s “just a waste of money” 2. Almost everything Atsushi and Oda do

He often describes altruism as “interesting”. I am also under the impression that Dazai has a tendency to project his nature onto others, which we can gather from his “Evil expects evil from others” quote to Mori. Furthermore, he sadly remarks in Dark Era that he is “a man despised by righteousness”. so I feel like there is something up here, some sort of guilt, distaste or shame.

This tells me:

a)Dazai sees himself as “evil”

b)He is constantly assuming the worst in others or is prepared for the worst

Another thing this tells me is that Dazai is someone who is likely extremely wary of people’s intentions. This is a ubiquitous theme all across BSD, especially when we see him as a kid. Osamu tends to be skeptical of everyone and everything, as if he’s waiting for people to betray or fuck him over at any corner. In TDIPUD, he keeps getting upset that he can't figure out Oda, since it makes no sense for him to be so charitable for absolutely no reason. Oda said “good and evil are the same to you” – personally I interpret this as Dazai being largely amoral rather than immoral. Whether Dazai can be described as “good”, “evil” or “neutral” largely depends on your view of ethics. Just because someone lacks traditional empathy, it doesn't mean they are necessarily sadistic or bad at all. Immoral and Amoral are two words that sound similar but have different meanings. Immoral is an adjective that describes “something against pre-established morals, ethics, or standard societal practices.” Amoral, on the other hand, is an adjective that describes “something or someone completely lacking morals.” In common society, if you’re not “good”, you are often automatically “evil”. Basically, a person who has "no morals" is just as bad as a person who has cruel beliefs, but those two fundamentally differ. However, in a technical, utilitarian fashion – this is often seen to be true. More or less, “good” is the neutral state, and the more you step away from it, the more “evil” you are perceived to be. The more moral conventions you break, the more "evil" you are, regardless of your intentions. The results of the actions matter more than the source and motivations. In the end, a person is dead, regardless of why you killed them or how you felt about it. The reasons why people do conventionally moral things can be all over the place too - people aren't always kind because they have sympathy. When I hear “evil and good are the same to you”, it sounds like Dazai has no need for either, meaning, yes, he has no inherent need to do good, but no need for bad, he is simply not opposed to either of them. Regardless of what he's doing, he feels the same way. They're both tools to satisfy particular needs. Many people read this and say "aha, so if he sees no difference between the two, that means he is evil", but I think the truth is in the middle. I always say that to estimate Dazai's moral framework, you need to judge him outside of normal conventions. Basically, his starting point in making decisions is different. He begins his process likely by thinking "what will this bring me?" Most of his “evil” is not out of pure sadism, it’s just that he feels no need to stop himself due to moral conventions, he mostly cares about practical results. This is opposed to Kunikida who cares about ideals and morals in a vacuum and pursues them in their most idealized version (and it's well known Asagiri writes duos as opposites). Entrance exam as a novel was about how idealism can lead people to ruin when it's unrealistic.

He’s naturally immune to socialized pressure that forms the moral frameworks of most people on an emotional level. All of this is very common for ASPD, and a few other conditions. The more I see Dazai talk about how he sees the concept of personality, murder, morality – the more I am convinced his ethical framework is focused on results rather than the inherent morality of said actions. Example: He's going to lie to you to make you happy, even though "lying is bad". There is no inherent value in staying honest if it makes an individual miserable in the long run, even though society sees frankness as a virtue. That way, most actions are “open” for Dazai to undertake, he has no qualms most people have against them, since he doesn’t have socialized morals. A lot of the time, we only see certain things as "unconditionally bad" because we've been socialized to see them that way, even if it's not necessarily logical. He simply lacks socialized morals, leading to a tendency to be amoral. Everything is a means to an end, every action is alright if it's a tool that has more pros than cons. Oda's death was a useful character arc, since it led Dazai to taking Oda's moral framework as his own. He doesn't believe he is better than others, nor does he enjoy hurting random people, he doesn't kill or rob randos to get something and believes he is justified in it. Things of that type would make him “immoral”. Most of Dazai’s evil actions seem utilitarian, rather than committed for the pure act of pleasure or cruelty. When I say “amoral”, I mean this from Dazai’s point of view. Since he has no “moral boundaries”, all actions are open for him to undertake. He can go as far as he wants to any extreme largely depending on his subjective worldview and feelings (as seen in Beast, where he breaks all sorts of ethical codes of being "a good man" so Oda could get a decent life). However, since he is aware that there is a fight between good and bad in every person, and that evil tends to win out compared to the good, under enough pressure, he admires people who selflessly continue to be kind. That is why Oda, a highly moral person even beyond what is logical (his insistence to not kill even if it harms him) is the opposite that pushed him to change. Ulterior motives tend to be something Dazai is worried about in people, perhaps because he is possibly projecting all he is, or can be, on others. He describes Oda specifically as:

"a man who has no ulterior motive". Oda is obviously being a good person partially out of self-interest ("people live to save themselves"), but this self-interest is not destructive. I think for Dazai, it was difficult to find people who didn't have an ulterior motive that was ultimately hurtful, and he projected that onto everyone. Oda acting in his self-interest was ultimately beneficial to everyone. All in all, while Dazai does admire Oda's morals - I think a lot of this appreciation comes from an intimate and subjective place, where he feels comforted someone like Oda even existed. Continuing Oda's work is likely an extension of this as well. Keep in mind, any person has the right to see Dazai's actions as bad, as they often are. I am more speaking of Dazai's internal mental framework. Conclusion: Dazai has no inherent need to do good or bad, for the most part. He just goes as far as he needs to to satisfy his emotional needs.

Oda saved Dazai’s life in the day I picked up Dazai, and listened to him, but expected nothing in return. I feel that Oda saw this struggle within Dazai, and the way “good and evil don’t mean much to him” due to his disorder, but recognized that Dazai perhaps didn’t want to be this way.

Since Oda saw Dazai’s “irregular” nature, and still believed he could be a good person, Dazai was touched and decided to change his life. I believe Dazai had some distaste for himself, regardless of his lack of empathy, he could recognize what he was doing was not entirely right. As Asagiri mentioned, Oda told him exactly what he needed to hear, and the fact that these words were so life-changing to Dazai tells us a lot about what he had on his mind. In my opinion, to see who Dazai is, you need to follow exactly which words got to him.

In my opinion, it likely meant a lot that a person he actually admired wanted to be in his life, especially a person he considered so kind like Oda. He often says that Oda is “the most interesting person he knows”. Imo, this is because “empathy” is one of the things Dazai doesn’t fully understand. He had to learn it. Since he understands human nature so well, cognitive empathy comes easy to him, but he still fucks up sometimes.

Here, I also feel like he is talking about himself – he sees himself in Kyouka. It doesn’t come naturally to Dazai to be “good”, but he is trying his best, that is his ideal now. (Asagiri said this was one of Dazai's rare human moments). For that reason, I think Dazai admires empathetic people and tends to dislike those who are naturally violent, or even choose to be violent out of sadism.

On the BSD exhibit, Asagiri said Atsushi was "an empathy user", and how that is the key to his character. During one interview, the author mentioned that Dazai keeps testing Kunikida's ideals, but Osamu secretly hopes that Doppo will prove to be right, and Dazai wrong. This to me paints a picture of someone who hopes that "good" is worth it, at least from an intellectual point of view. When talking with Fyodor, he seems to admire people who live emotionally, thinking god doesn't prefer perfection, logic and harmony.

"The ones who actually make the world run Are those who scream in the storm of uncertainty and run with flowing blood"

Dazai seems to reject the idea that him and Fyodor and better because they are more calculating and cold - like I mentioned earlier in this god-forsaken post, this to me says Dazai believes empathetic and emotional people are better than him.

"I've come to see it many times, his gimmicks are the accidental and illogical that's a weakness two of us have in common" He suffers because he is not like them, and that contributes to him feeling "othered".

Negative emotions and Akutagawa

My guess is that one of the reasons Dazai has so many issues with Akutagawa is because he is projecting his own issues with his lack of empathy onto him. This makes him relate to Akutagawa, but also dislike him beyond how he usually treats people. Akutagawa questions why Dazai's acts of violence are justified, while Osamu is judging Akutagawa: to me it sounds that Dazai sees his actions as at least partly justified because they are "logical" and utilitarian. He puts a difference between him and Aku, as if Dazai's natural instinct is not to mindlessly hurt others. However, it's interesting he needs to draw this line.

I believe Dazai sees a lot of the hurt he enacts on others as either "justified" or subconsciously defensive. "If I don't hurt others, they will hurt me", and he uses this against all kinds of people to keep them in control. In the Dark Era novel, Dazai speaks of Akutagawa like this:

“When I first saw him over in the slums, I was horrified. His talents are extraordinary, and his skill is extremely destructive. Plus, he’s stubborn. If I’d left him to his own devices, he would’ve ended up a slave to his own powers until he destroyed himself.” Interestingly, Dazai was "horrified" at what Akutagawa was capable of, where most things don't seem to exactly phase him. I think something about Aku's capacity for violence even scares him, and he "lashes" out in response to control him.

Later on Oda calls out Dazai's thinking indirectly in Beast, saying that hurting Aku is still bad no matter why he did it. (more on this in the next section) However, it’s very clear he cares for Akutagawa in “Chopsticks and a Spoon”, so I do feel like he’s likely aware of it. In fact, that story contains one of the gentlest expressions Dazai has pointed at anyone, so I think he partially sees Akutagawa as "innocent" in nature, and more like a wounded animal. I'll likely write a post about it. Since Dazai has expressed some lament or even shame regarding him being a person "hated by righteousness", I do think he is a bit ashamed of who he is. This part is a theory: When talking about "No Longer Human", Asagiri mentioned that he felt the book was about "embarrassment". Since Dazai is canonically famously based on Yozo to some extent, I feel that we can guess that Osamu likely does feel some shame - the question is about what. The rare times we see BSD Dazai express something similar to shame is when talking about his moral nature (when he beat up Akutagawa in Dark Era), but it's a "blink and you'll miss it" type of thing. Yozo and RL Dazai's relationship with his father was one of the cornerstones of his work (NLH even ends with him mentioning how he would have been alright if he had a better relationship with his father). Within the book, Yozo feels all sorts of things which make him feel "inhuman", but he is terrified about being open about it due to his strict father who sees him as somewhat strange. Since the theme of "fatherhood" was lightly touched upon when Atsushi's orphanage director died, I do think this is potentially a sore spot for BSD Dazai too. My guess is that Dazai likely had a poor relationship with his father figure, who saw him as "strange" or "inhuman" due to the way he acted: leading BSD Dazai to feel shame over his nature. Perhaps one of the things that made his father see Dazai as inhuman was his lack of typical ethics and empathy. Osamu internalized this - and ended up becoming a criminal at a very young age, perhaps in an attempt to confirm what hurt him, seeing himself as someone who could mostly do bad (which could be one of the reasons he wanted to die so young). Perhaps Oda making a way for him to "act good" was life-changing because of that too - it targeted a specific wound. All of this is speculation, but Dazai did mention that "self-pity leads you to living a life that is an endless nightmare". My guess is he was talking about himself there: and his own experiences with shame. To extend this: I think one of the reasons Dazai is so harsh on Akutagawa is because he is possibly projecting his relationship with his father onto Aku. Akutagawa is violent and troubled, and Dazai was shamed for the same thing. (but it would take a lot of time to work through this theory, so moving on..)

Dazai exhibiting empathy However, Dazai does show empathy for Oda, and a lot of it. I’d go as far as to say that he over-empathizes with Oda, while he underempathizes with everyone else. His relationships with the people closest to him tend to be why some people think he may have BPD. Especially due to devaluation and the "favorite person" concept. For someone with this type of BPD relationship, a “favorite person” is someone they rely on for comfort, happiness, and validation. A FP is a person who someone with BPD relies heavily on for emotional support, seeks attention and validation from, and looks up to or idealizes. For Dazai, this is Oda. On the other hand, In the context of BPD, “devaluation” refers to a psychological defense mechanism or coping strategy that individuals with BPD may employ in their interpersonal relationships. Devaluation involves a shift in the person’s perception of others, where they view someone they previously idealized or held in high regard as unworthy, flawed, or worthless. They become unworthy of their affection and praise. The person with BPD may engage in behaviors such as intense criticism, verbal attacks, withdrawal, or even cutting off contact with the person they have devalued. These actions are often driven by the individual’s fear of rejection, abandonment, or a desire to protect themselves from potential hurt or disappointment. For Dazai, the clearest example of this is Ango. However, a person can exhibit the "favorite person" and project the phenomenon of devaluation without having BPD. In my opinion, Dazai does show heightened polarity in his feelings toward others, but I am not sure if BPD would be my choice for him. It's very difficult to say, as many conditions mask as BPD, and Dazai's expression of empathy is unique.

Dazai idealizes Oda, and deeply sees his pain as his own, while he always frames Akutagawa in a negative light, even though he is likely one of the people Dazai cares about the most (next to Oda, Chuuya, Ango, Atsushi, especially according to Beast). Another example of his heightened negative emotions are Ango, and Chuuya to a much lesser extent. My guess is that Dazai doesn’t deal with caring about people well, especially when they are any sort of “threat”: which is why he tries to “bully” them down. The reason he goes easier on Chuuya than Akutagawa is because he feels Chuuya is in his nature more sympathetic.

In my opinion, the moment Dazai warmed up to Chuuya was when he realized that The Sheep were pushing Chuuya around: he was no “King of the sheep”, he was acting out of empathy and care. Since Chuuya is so powerful, it was likely admirable to Dazai that he didn’t abuse his abilities for self-gain. This is when he decided to isolate Chuuya from the Sheep: and I think the reason above is specifically why

I'd say Dazai is likely "spikey" to anyone he cares about but has less confidence they won't hurt him. There are two camps of people: 1. Atsushi, Oda, Kunikida, Sigma (generally upright, meek, moral at the end of the day) 2. Chuuya, Akutagawa, and lastly Ango (people who are aggressive, challenging, and need to be put down in Dazai's eyes).

He cares about both camps (Sigma is debatable, I spoke of the type of personality Dazai seems to deal with easily in his case), but he likely feels "less safe" with the second type. Mori could potentially go into the second camp - there is some respect and resentment there at the same time. He even talks about this with Kunikida in Entrance exam.

"“I guess. But you, Kunikida, I’ve got a good idea of who you are now, so nothing you do will ever surprise me. I mean, compared with me, you’re just a simple man with a simple mind, after all.”

See? You wear your heart on your sleeve. You don’t hide how you’re really feeling. It’s nice. You know what else is nice? Just knowing that you’re going to be worrying later to yourself, ‘Am I really that simple?’”

“Why, you—”

But I refrain from arguing. Whatever my response, he’s just going to end up telling me, “I knew you’d say that.”

I suppose that being around Kunikida comforts him since he is predictable, yet kind. On the other hand, someone like Chuuya excites him, because he is wild and challenging enough, but is still a good person when it comes down to it. Basically, Dazai is hypervigilant of pain.

Akutagawa is “off the chain” in comparison to all of them. I am under the impression that Dazai can care about people without treating them well at all, and 2 of the people who are at the top of his list (Chuuya and Aku) are people he “seems” to dislike (In Chuuya’s case rather openly in his profile).

It appears that the more “intense” and “unpolished” parts of Dazai’s personality are strictly reserved for people he cares about, but he is extremely selective about who he shows emotional empathy to as it’s such a rare experience for him. He may capable of "cutting off" empathy to protect himself emotionally. It is quite clear some aspects of empathy miss him broadly in Beast, when he appears shocked that Oda would react so strongly to endangering Akutagawa since “it’s all supposed to end well if he survives”. That sentence itself is totally tone-deaf, yet Dazai is acting as if Oda is supposed to take that normally. It’s quite clear that Dazai doesn’t treat Atsushi all that well in Beast either, as he exploits his fears for Atsushi to be totally obedient to him.

I really like this moment, because it demonstrates that even if Dazai does have some point regarding Akutagawa and the way he goes about things, the way he has treated him is still too much – and Dazai can’t exactly convince Oda, a decent person, why this is ever justifiable under any circumstances. There is an aspect of regular empathy that misses Dazai – it doesn’t cross his mind why his actions are inherently bad. Perhaps it is possible that Dazai was treated with little to no empathy growing up, so he accepted that as a model for acceptable behavior. A lot of the time, cruel actions don't seem to even register to him as bad, in an almost innocent way. It's like it doesn't cross his mind that stuff is out of the ordinary. When talking to Oda about this, he was described as "childlike".

However, Dazai shows a lot of extreme emotional empathy for Oda, which tends to be rare for people with ASPD (obviously, all traits of it are on a spectrum).

Dazai clearly feels as if he himself is being beaten when Oda suffers. Furthermore, “Beast” shows that he is willing to endanger multiple people he cares about so Oda could live and write his book. In his words “the me from other worlds doesn’t care about the world” – showing that even though he may “care” about people, it’s really hard for him to fully emotionally connect with others.

This leads him to severe feelings of loneliness and isolation, but it’s quite clear Oda is the exception to this.

Dazai has multiple anxiety attacks when meeting with Oda in Beast and TIPUD:

“I see.” Oda says after he gives it a moment of thought. “I’ll do so then. That is very kind of you. You are a good guy.”

Dazai’s expression becomes distorted.

He opens his mouth, and closes it again, as if he can no longer breathe.

If he tells him everything now, maybe things will go back to how they were. The two of them will go to the bar together and have a toast. Just like that night.

“Odasa…”

Just as Dazai is about to say that name, a train passes by. The express train passing through that station cuts through the silence of the night, right next to where Dazai and Oda is."

and obviously the whole showdown at the bar. Earlier, Oda mentions that Dazai looks like he is about to cry:

An interesting part here is that Dazai gets shocked that Oda would even consider that Dazai could hurt him:

It almost sounds absurd that Dazai, who is known for scheming even against people he likes, would be that surprised someone would expect this from him. This, to me, shows that Dazai does have that underdeveloped, childish emotional side to himself, where he doesn’t understand everything he does. It’s quite logical why Oda, or anyone else, would be consistently doubtful of Dazai, yet he is so used to not caring about anyone, that when he does feel things he is remarkably unpolished and just as illogical as anyone else. I’d say his heart is like a knife that went blunt from lack of use. Since he has no experience dealing with people he feels strongly about, it always comes across very messy – and Asagiri himself often describes him as childish at his most vulnerable.

Furthermore, the lyrics of the song for Beast have these words to say: “Loving you to death won’t kill me Because I don’t love this world enough” And in the Beast novel, he mentions all he has to give to the world is love. I think we can certainly see that Dazai is not emotionless.

To me it seems like Dazai is capable of selective emotional empathy. I feel like one of the reasons Oda was “the one” Dazai attached himself to the most, is because Oda was a struggling man who was also depressed (rather clear the more you read), but he was empathetic and accepted Dazai for who he was.

Him and Dazai had difficulties in common (the guy was a killer as a kid too), yet Oda did his best to be a good person – that is one of the reasons, as Asagiri mentions, why he had an “outburst” when Kyouka implied former killers can’t be good people. Oda was a good person in his eyes, and his role model of “empathy”: someone he wished to emulate. I am pretty sure that Oda became the blueprint for the moral compass he strives towards.

Most importantly, Oda didn’t really judge Dazai when he showed his lack of empathy, while he remained firm in what he believed in.

“Odasaku is the type of person who will never lecture anyone. Because he does not consider himself a superior person who can teach and guide others. However, it doesn’t mean that he has nothing he wants to say. The sentiments that he couldn’t convey in these two scenes were finally delivered to Dazai in the last scene through the words “Become a good person.” Very meaningful scenes when read as a set.”

is how Asagiri described Oda during the exhibit. As Asagiri says, one of the reasons he didn’t tell Dazai anything when he provoked the sniper was his modesty. Since Oda didn’t look down on him, yet showed concern and fully understood Dazai wasn’t just a struggling depressed kid, but someone with serious issues who also happened to be a child – Dazai grew to deeply care for him. Oda didn't shame him, likely avoiding Dazai's hypervigilant sensor for pain.

Selective empathy is common for many disorders – and Dazai, after not feeling “seen” his whole life, ended up making a true connection with Oda. I guess, in that sense – Oda was the one who really reached Dazai’s heart, and since he was the only one who came that close, all of Dazai’s emotional empathy is reserved for him.

In my opinion, the reason Dazai was so difficult to “get to” was that even people who had good intentions toward him never truly saw him.

To see Dazai as a depressed woobie who just needs to be saved is to idealize him – which wouldn’t exactly help him. They’re talking about a version of him that doesn’t exist. If the only way he could be seen as worthwhile was someone seeing him as more “traditionally good” than he truly is, it’s not going to work. He needs to be seen for exactly who he is, and still given a chance to be better.

Likewise, it had to be someone who wasn’t helping him in order to get something from him. I would say that one of the main reasons why Dazai got so attached to Oda was because his friend had no reason to save him, he gave him space, and didn’t even force himself into Dazai’s life.

It was purely altruistic, and for Dazai, who expects the worst from others and seems to fear people’s intentions, this was perfect. One of the main aspects of Dazai's character is his anxious-avoidant attachment style, where he is likely so afraid of potential pain, he pushes others away, or punishes anyone he cares about who might hurt him preemptively. A lot of this is not impulsive, but calculated, which is why he feels a natural resistance to Akutagawa (but relates to him and cares all the more because of it). He understands the self-destructive nature of Akutagawa.

"If I’d left him to his own devices, he would’ve ended up a slave to his own powers until he destroyed himself.”" I believe Dazai likely allows himself to fully empathize with Oda because he feels only Oda is "safe" in this world. The fact that Oda is dead and gone perhaps makes caring for him even safer, as his image of Oda will never change.

Conclusion: I'd say Dazai is someone who is probably extremely traumatized, with a specific emotional profile that doesn't allow him to experience empathy like normal people do - and this is one of the defining traits of the character for me. He is able to isolate himself from normal social pressures and boundaries - and because of this and his extreme intellect, he feels like an alien in this world. A lot of his struggle likely deals with the fact that he dislikes the hurtful person he is, but has difficulty seeing why he should be better - all while he has a distaste for sadism, cruelty and senseless violence in others. In my opinion, a lot of his own cruelty is "reactive": he acts "evil" because he expects the same from others ("evil expects evil from others), and decides he wants to beat them to the punch. He is comforted when he is in the presence of altruistic and empathetic people, because he doesn't have to be what he dislikes (as "enemy" evil will always make him react since he is threatened). In the end, he rationally sees that cruelty is negative, but he still feels it is an effective tool. If Dazai weren't this way, he wouldn't consistently choose empathetic people for his company throughout the story, while acting callous himself most of the time.

A lot of things Dazai does to me feel like he is avoiding hurt, or attempting to "control the pain" he gets in his life. Notably, Dazai mostly lets himself get "bullied" by people he sees as innocent and simple like Kunikida, since "Kunikida will never surprise him" - he knows that Doppo won't cross the line. Ironically, he famously says he "dislikes physical pain", but often gets himself into physically dangerous scenarios.

It's like he doesn't mind pain if he's the one in control (when Fyodor let the sniper shoot him, when that dude from Mimic shot him point blank). Avoidance of pain and control are other keys to Dazai's character. In that sense, I think Dazai was possibly traumatized and learned to almost completely disassociate from empathy early in his life. There are so many theories I could think of here that we'd get nowhere.

It is clear that Dazai is capable of extreme emotional empathy due to his relationship with Oda, and it's possible he doesn't allow himself to feel it in most scenarios due to his avoidant nature regarding pain. However, whatever the reason behind it, it is clear he doesn't feel a ton of emotional empathy in his day-to-day life, and this disassociation from empathy has crafted him into a person who doesn't fully understand "normal humans".

That is why he sees them as fascinating after Oda dies - he reaches Dazai's heart and opens him up to the idea that not all people are unempathetic and cruel - meaning Dazai doesn't always have to be on guard. Does Dazai have ASPD, or is his lack of empathy a result of other things: PTSD, CPTSD, is he perhaps autistic? I can't say for sure, as it could be so many things. Personally, anyone could make an argument for any of these in my eyes. Above, I mostly analyzed his displays of empathy and tried to study which emotional patterns he appears to follow. I think Dazai's character arc has a lot of worth specifically because we see someone for whom emotional empathy may not be natural trying to be good. It's a unique ethical dilemma, and that's one of the reasons I feel in love with the series. Since it isn't natural for him, his efforts mean a lot, and the struggle feels real and genuine.

Thank you all for reading if you made it this far <3 I've taken a lot of posts and translations I've gathered over the years, and I am sure I won't be able to thank everyone, but, I'd like to show appreciation for popopretty, aja154ever and many others for sharing info from exhibitions, databooks and so. Have a nice day !

#bsd #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #dazai #dazai osamu #osamu dazai #osamu #oda sakunosuke #bsd dazai #theory

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hanggarae · 8 months

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RUSSIAN ROULETTE — 러시안 룰렛

0.7k, mingyu x gn!dealer!reader, fluff, takes place in casino, shits on gamblers a little 😭 (i don’t have any thoughts on gamblers i just needed it for the plot)

“if i win this one you’ll go on a date with me right?” the handsome annoying man sitting across the poker table asked grinning while playing with a chip between his fingers.

you rolled your eyes, “for the hundredth time this week, mr kim, no” you told him plainly, focusing on the task at hand and continuing to shuffle the cards.

truth be told- you wanted to say yes. so badly. kim mingyu was handsome and naturally charismatic so you couldn’t really blame yourself for falling for him just a tiny bit.

but regardless of how handsome and charming he was, above all he was a gambler and you didn’t really trust them. considering your job you met them pretty often, and the types of people you’d met in here were some of the worst.

some had families and would throw away their income surrounded by women when they should’ve been home with their wives, should’ve even been taking her out on a date and many have told this to you when they downed their twelfth shot of the night.

that isn’t to say all gamblers are bad, you’ve met some really nice people here but unfortunately you haven’t had a good experience with the gamblers that come here daily for hours with no end.

mingyu could very well just be here for a good time, but that doesn’t necessarily guarantee he isn’t the same as the men you’ve grown to hate over the years working here.

“oh come on ynnn” he whined a little unfitting considering the company at the table, huge men with a permanent scowl set between their brows. “just say yes once and you won’t regret it i promise” he looked at you, eyes sparkling and puppy like.

you sighed deciding to ignore him and start the game instead, “please place your bets” you plastered a smile while addressing everyone playing at the table.

to no surprise, mingyu won. regardless of whether he was a genius or just stupidly lucky- he always won.

the rest of the men left their table, a few muttering ‘stupid kid’ angrily under their breath but mingyu paid them no mind, turning to you once again.

“ynnn” he said sing-songily. “what do you sayyy?”

“congratulations mr kim?” you stared at him blankly, internally cooing when his shoulders deflated a little.

mingyu groaned, face in his hands before perking up and looking at you with a newfound determination in his eyes. “let’s start the next one”

it took you a little off guard but you listened regardless, starting the game by asking everyone to place their bets again.

oddly enough, mingyu was losing. he was making ametuer moves and it was only leaving you confused. because of this, mingyu ended up losing the game- luckily he didn’t lose much money as he would make but it was still a loss.

“do you wanna go out with me?” he asked, catching you off guard.

“huh?”

“go out with me?”

you scoffed, “didn’t you ask me this like an hour ago?”

mingyu continued to keep his gaze on you, admiring your focus on your work and how fast your fingers worked to get everything set for the next game.

“yeah but.. i thought you’d agree if i asked you after i lost” he told you matter of factly as if it was the most obvious thing ever and was a normal conclusion to draw.

you stared at him confused before laughing out of pure disbelief. “you mean to tell me, that you just blew that much money- just because you thought it’d make me say yeah to going out with you”

if it was any other person they probably would’ve started looking a little sheepish, but mingyu stood his ground even deciding to look proud at his ‘amazing’ plan.

you bit your upper lip, making mingyu a little anxious awaiting your answer. “keep this for me” you winked before heading to deal at another table.

mingyu didn’t let his mood get too sour before he opened the folded note you gave him, your number on it and a ‘i finish at 11’ accompanying it. when he spotted you and caught your gaze, your heart gushed at the boyish grin set on his excited face.

#seventeen x reader #seventeen fluff #seventeen x you #mingyu x reader #mingyu x you #mingyu x y/n #kim mingyu x reader #kim mingyu x you #mingyu imagines #mingyu fluff

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astralis-is-typing · 9 months

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Stray kids family as an actual family

⚝fic type: headcannon (comedy/crack)

⚝genre/contains: a rundown of the kinds of relatives you will encounter at a typical family gathering, except it’s stray kids

⚝word count: 1.5k

⚝A/N: hi hi! if you’ve ever been to a large family gathering you’ll probably relate to one of these, no matter where you're from haha. did these from jeongin -> chan instead of the usual order to spice things up (⁠◠⁠‿⁠◕⁠) p.s: this is just for giggles so don't take it too seriously. enjoy!

｡Yang Jeongin*ﾟ

Grandma Jeongin has two modes, and she will be interrogating you either way.

Most of the time she’s talking about other family members while she cooks or cleans up the kitchen. Jeongin knows who is most likely to get married next, who will never get married, who’s about to get a divorce and even which of your cousins is at loggerheads with their respective bosses.

Whether she ends up being right about her crazy notions or not, she does not care. Jeongin will always have something to talk about, no matter how controversial it may be.

If you’re in the kitchen, then it seems you must automatically join in on these speculations. Better play it up, because it’ll distract her from putting you on dish duty- and get you early access to whatever she’s cooking up (a storm piece of cake).

“Help your grandmother,” she’ll grumble, if she figures she won’t get much out of you. “Kids these days. When I was your age I didn’t have to be asked. You’ll never find a spouse with this behaviour.”

At other times, your favourite granny is sweet once she’s been sated by her 4th cup of tea. Or a cup of soda, on days she’s feeling ‘adventurous and bold’. Jeongin will spontaneously call you over and ask you who your girlfriend or boyfriend is now. Jeongin wants to know what you’ve been doing with your whole life, but all in good faith haha.

Grandma Jeongin will also be commenting on your fashion choices and giving you rather outdated skincare tips on how to age gracefully like her.

｡Kim Seungmin*ﾟ

The cousin you’re always being compared to, academically or otherwise. Seungmin is 100% that overachiever who is constantly being praised by all your uncles and aunts who think the world of him.

It’s hard not to be jealous or annoyed when your parents compare you to your genius cousin and ask you unbelievable questions. “Why can’t you get A’s like Seungmin?”

No matter what you’ve done in your life, it seems Seungmin has outdone you lmao. He’s the golden child who can do no wrong and you just have to live with it.

In spite of the pressure to be perfect, Seungmin is still really fun to be around. He’ll also do your homework/projects for you if you ask nicely enough.

(Who are we kidding, this is Kim Seungmin. You’ll probably have to cough up some cash haha.)

｡Lee Felix*ﾟ

The fun cousin. Now, one person like this is enough to survive a family gathering.

Felix is the cousin who you need to show up. He’s the person who actually makes family gatherings tolerable. Like, if Felix doesn’t pull up then everyone is kind of bored.

He’s everyone’s favourite cousin; you can count on him to make those boring dinners interesting, and be your crime partner in the event you and your cousins plan to sneak out- distracting you guys’ parents with detailed stories of how he managed to win 63 medals in ‘taekwondaur’.

He’s the adults’ favourite, too. When you were children, and needed to send someone to ask for permission to game/watch TV, he was for sure the one appointed- because no one can say no to him.

When your grandmother is interrogating you and you can’t think of an exit plan, this cousin will charmingly swoop in and save your ass.In any kind of familial sticky situation, Felix has got your back.

｡Han Jisung*ﾟ

Han was probably forced to come lmfao. He was most likely threatened by his parents because they’re tired of being asked where their son is and why he won’t visit.

Jisung is that relative you see once in a blue moon. You’re not quite sure what side of the family he’s from, but you are somehow related. You barely know anything about this guy- what he does for a living, or if he’s been to college… Han Jisung is quite the mystery.

He’s the person that shows up late, leaves early, and is really just there for the food. You don’t really blame him, though; family gatherings can be exhausting. It’s understandable that some people would rather just bypass as many of them as possible.

Your other relatives will call him antisocial because he’s mostly on his phone, but he’s really just trying to avoid being spotted (and probed) by Grandma Jeongin- or Auntie Lee Know, who you’ll meet further down this post haha. Someone like Felix might manage to rope him into making conversation here and there, but Jisung’s interest widely remains at large.

Jisung disappears from the feast as quietly as he came in, and it takes a while for anyone to notice his absence. With his ability to remain evasive, Han might as well be a spy bahah.

｡Hwang Hyunjin*ﾟ

The rich aunt who lives abroad and only comes to visit every three or four years. All the kids love her because she comes loaded with presents for everyone. She’s super fun to be around because she’s got this carefree nature that’s simply infectious. Hyunjin just oozes rich auntie vibes. I mean, did you see him in that 5-star trailer?! Definitely the one who’s been supplying Grandma Jeongin with her collection of eccentric footwear.

Since she’s not around much she doesn’t know what you like, and will give you enough money to buy yourself something nice. Aunt Hyunjin will also come through for you in any financial trial you might be going through. You need a new computer? She’s on it. Rent is due and you’re in a tight spot? Aunt Hyunie to the rescue!

Of course, quality family time cannot be substituted with money, no matter the amount. But hey, if Hyunjin wants to slap a fat wad of cash in your hand, you’re not complaining…

｡Seo Changbin*ﾟ

The relative who can’t stop gushing over how big you’ve grown. Whether you’re 15 or 28, you’ll have to endure his speculations over how it was ‘just the other day’ when he was changing your diapers, and look at you now. Once he’s had a drink or two, Changbin does not hesitate to dish out super embarrassing stories of you as a child.

Nevertheless, Changbin is really fun to be around. He’s present at most family gatherings and more or less keeps them happening.

Changbin is also that uncle who’s trying to help everyone get their lives in order lmfao. You’d easily mistake him for a life coach or fitness guru with the way he’s spewing out tips on how to live a healthier lifestyle every 15 minutes. His advice is valid, sure, but you’re really just trying to enjoy your food, you know?

“You shouldn’t be drinking that. Don’t you know coca cola can be used as a toilet cleaner?! And you’re still willingly ingesting it…” He’d say, shaking his head in disappointment.

｡Lee Know*ﾟ

The nosy aunt.

Auntie Lee Know will sidle up to you with an offering of cookies or potato chips while she not-so-subtly pries into your dating life. Given the chance, she can turn any encounter you have into the possible beginning of a romantic trope. You tell her someone was glaring at you on the bus? Strangers to lovers. Your classmate keeps gloating over the fact that they beat you in a recent exam? Academic rivals to lovers.

For all its worth, Auntie Lee Know is a fantastic cook and the thought of her beef wellington gets you through most interrogations.

If Auntie Lee Know isn’t grilling you, then she is most definitely gossiping in the kitchen with Granny Jeongin about you and everyone else. Those two are a force to reckon with when put together. And there is really no escaping them when they get their hands on you. Like, you literally can never win, this auntie wants to know it all.

Auntie Lee Know also acts as the kitchen’s bodyguard, keeping out hungry relatives (mostly her brother, Changbin) until Jeongin is done cooking. Beware, she’s armed with a wooden spoon and she sure as hell knows how to use it!

｡Bang Chan*ﾟ

That foive-year-old kid you find sleeping in your bed when you sneak away to your room for some quiet time.

If you’ve ever hosted a family gathering at your house, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Sometimes you just need a moment to pull away from everything, and what better solace than your bedroom? Of course, you do not expect to find someone’s kid lying on your bed, and drooling on your pillow.

Going back into the fray to enquire who’s baby it is would only beat the purpose of your sneaking away, and additionally show your room to unnecessary people who might decide it’s the perfect place to lay down their babies too!

And you are not trying to run a day-care here.

Chan would also be that one kid who keeps asking if you have games on your phone. RIP your peace of mind if he finds out you’ve got Pokémon on there.

You can’t find it in you to get mad at him, though. After all, it’s not his fault that his slightly irresponsible parents left him in your room.

⚝A/N: Thank you for reading! As a present for making it to the end, here’s visual proof of Lee Know being the nosy aunt that he is jksbdiskancdg 💀 I hope they film skz family 3 this year, sigh... need to know if Chan is secretly Seungmin's son. Anyways, remember to reblog and share your thoughts with me if you enjoyed ʕ⁠ノ⁠•⁠ᴥ⁠•⁠ʔ⁠ノ

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sweetkpopmusings · 1 year

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vernon best friend headcanons <3

a/n: i love vernon so much platonically (and non-platonically) and i needed some serotonin at 2 am so here we are :,-) also pics not mine ofc!

content: fluff | wc: 0.8k | warnings: none! | pairing: bestfriend!vernon x gn!reader | requests: open

definitely the ride-or-die type of best friend

it doesn’t matter if you met when you were younger or as adults — once he knew how much you two clicked, he became one of your most loyal and loving supporters

but i think he shows it in the silliest ways

like you tell him a bad joke, and, when you look at him for a reaction, he says “shutup, stupid” but with the softest smile on his face

he will NOT give in by laughing but you know he loves it

he is such a silly little guy himself

so y’all are frequently doing dumb shit together

not just the texting only in memes (which happens frequently since you both have developed a shared collection of reaction pics/gifs)

but you’ll both just be talking and suddenly you’re acting out this whole bit you came up with on the spot about a shirt that’s made of the shamwow

even if you don’t think of yourself as a funny person, you become a comedic genius in the presence of vernon

jokes aside, your friendship is a source of calm

he’s the type of friend you turn to for solace on your most stressful days

even if he sometimes doesn’t know how to properly react (homeboy froze up the first time he saw you cry but he only got awkward because he felt so sad seeing you so sad :-( what a sweet angel) he ALWAYS makes you feel comforted

and he’s always willing to learn more about what you need in terms of support because he always wants to be the best friend he can be !

it goes the same for you too — while it takes a lot for him to get vulnerable, when he builds that trust with you, you cherish it by gaining the tools needed to support him

and he’s so grateful for it like his heart swells with joy whenever he leans on you in hard times because he’s so lucky to have you as a rock

speaking of rock

“black eye” is the proof i needed for my argument that vernon is in his angsty / emo / pop punk phase

so he’s totally the bestie who will jam out to pop punk with you (if you’re into it! i’m very into it and i would give everything i have to listen to neck deep with vernon like i'm being so serious rn)

in fact, he is the bestie who will jam out with you to your favorite music any time anywhere

he LOVES collaborative playlists that you two make together

and yes these sometimes become super niche and specific

but whether you’re listening to your “top shower songs” playlist or your “standing in the back corner of a gas station deciding on which drink to buy so you can use their bathroom” playlist, this is one of vernon’s best ways to appreciate and celebrate your friendship

he thinks the best way to know each other is through sharing music and all the other things you like/enjoy, and that’s how you learned a lot about each other in the beginning of your friendship

you of course meet the rest of seventeen and vernon has so much pride every time one of the members comments on how cool/funny/smart/etc you are

because he’s like YEAH that’s MY best friend right there!!!!!!!!

will be so down to take cool af photos of you

even if he needs some coaching on what your best angles / preferred poses are he is taking down copious notes so he can nail it every time

i can’t believe how long this is getting jfc i guess i really want vernon to be my buddy

he loves to just vibe with you

since you two are on the same wavelength most of the time, he thinks it’s the most fun to get food and chill at home watching movies, tv, or youtube together

like whatever you’re in the mood for you’ll do and it’ll be a great time because you’re together

he also strikes me as the type of best friend who likes being friends with your other friends

he doesn’t need to be super close with them, but he wants to make sure you are able to have him in a group setting too because he knows your other friends are important to you

i think he also loves mimicking you

like if you say something he thinks is interesting/funny he will immediately repeat it

whenever he tells stories that involve you, he impersonates you perfectly (this is also true when he is telling a story about you to you)

it’s just another way he shows how much he pays attention to you and loves you

overall he’s such a fun guy to be around and whenever you’re together it’s carefree and comfortable and secure

he is ALWAYS by your side because he knows you’ll do the same for him

and he is ALWAYS ready to make fun of you for the same reason

someone please give me a vernon tysm

#seventeen #seventeen headcanons #bestfriend!seventeen #seventeen imagines #svt #vernon #hansol #seventeen vernon #seventeen fluff #seventeen x reader #vernon x reader #hansol x reader #vernon fluff #svt hansol #svt headcanons #svt vernon #seventeen au #svt au #sweetkpopmusings

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blushweddinggowns · 8 months

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Dustin Henderson was not, or would ever be, a cool guy. If anything he was a certified dork, but oh well. He knew that, and he had accepted it. It used to bother him a lot more, being aware that he would never be a part of the popular crowd. He was too weird, his interests too niche. Not to mention his condition. That had been a bitch to deal with, physically and socially.

But the thing was, despite his own uncool factor, he had the coolest older friends. Like, ever. There was Steve, who somehow managed to give him girl advice that worked, despite the fact he’d never been with one. Girl advice that definitely helped him land the best, prettiest, and smartest girlfriend in existence.

And then there was Eddie, the coolest Dungeon Master to ever exist. Something that Dustin didn’t even feel guilty saying, not when Mike was his biggest fan. He was insanely creative. And he was also in a freaking metal band? And let him and all of his nerd friends come to one of his shows at the Hideout? He was also like, one of the most avid readers that Dustin had ever met, whether that be through fantasy or history books. And he knew like a shit ton about politics, even if it was only to have stuff to back up all of his anti-establishment ideals. He was so freaking smart, maybe not in like, science or math and all of the stuff Dustin was good at, but everything else? Genius, or at least in Dustin’s opinion. Maybe not necessarily his level of genius, but he was still up there.

Which begged the question, why the hell did a guy like that have to redo his senior year? Especially since Steve had managed to graduate.

Dustin loved Steve, he did. And in no way did he think that he was dumb. He was just smart in different ways, like having great instincts and kinetic skills. Well… he did do stupid shit but like, in a smart way? Maybe? Dustin wasn’t quite sure how to categorize his favorite weirdo. But one thing was for sure: if Steve could do it, why couldn’t Eddie?

He doesn’t ask right away. He’d become a little bit more self-aware over the years, and he knew waltzing right up to him and asking, Hey, if you aren’t stupid then why can’t you finish highschool? was not a good idea. But he does wait for an opportunity. Because Dustin is Dustin and works in almost all accelerated classes, he actually managed to share two of them with Eddie. And it’s not until he forces Eddie to be his lab partner in Chemistry when he starts to get it.

It’s not that he’s stupid, he just literally can not pay attention.

“Dude, come on!” Dustin groaned, head in his hands in front of his open textbook, “How are you not getting this?”

He could fucking hear the ghost voice of Steve in his head, bitching at him for his tone, but this was just to frustrating. And Eddie’s nonchalant attitude wasn’t helping things.

Eddie shrugged, too busy spinning his keys on his finger instead of actually reading what was in front of him, "Told you you didn't want me as a partner."

Dustin could feel his eye twitch and if Steve wasn’t in the other room, he probably would be yelling in frustration at this point. But the last thing he needed was to end up under Steve’s armpit for a well-deserved noogie.

“I just don’t get what the problem is!” Dustin groaned, “Like I know you’re not stupid, so why are you acting like it?”

Eddie glared at him, feet propped up on the table, “Rude.”

“Well it’s true!” Dustin hissed, “Seriously dude, what the hell is the problem?”

Eddie sighed, rubbing a hand over his face, “It’s not that I can’t understand. I just… can’t make myself care.”

That was weird. Dustin cocked his head at him, confused, “What does that mean?”

“Like…” Eddie tried, struggling for the words, “It doesn’t grab me? I don’t know, but I can read a paragraph and have none of it stick, no matter how many times I go over it. And you’re right. I’m not stupid, But if I’m not interested it’s like… my brain stops working. I don’t know how else to explain it.”

That… actually made more sense than Dustin had been expecting. He was pretty damn sure he could work with that, “So we just need to find a way to make it interesting to you right?”

Eddie raised a brow at him, “I guess?”

Yeah, he could definitely work with that. He sent Eddie to the other room, to do God knows what with Steve before getting to work. It was kind of a big project to randomly take on during the middle of a Sunday, but he managed. He might not have been as good an artist as Will, but he could at least add a decorative flair to it.

Three hours later and two check-ins from Steve and he was done. He nearly skipped to the living room, too excited to even roll his eyes at the way both of them were shamelessly tangled on the couch together.

He skidded to a stop in front of them, proudly displaying his newly titled notebook, “Tada! The world’s first Dungeons and Dragons themed study guide!”

Was that a nerdy thing to say? Maybe, but Dustin didn’t care. He was proud of this one.

Eddie sat up, wide-eyed as he plucked it from Dustin’s hands while he explained what was inside, “So I set it up with a guide to translate real world chemicals to potions in the game right? And then the formulas are written here but the problems are all worded like you’re trying to do alchemy in the game. And here….”

He explained the whole thing, his smile growing as Eddie got more and more excited. Steve looked… happy for them? Even if he was slightly judging, just a little bit. But there were some things that jocks would just never understand.

Besides, it did work. And it worked pretty damn well in Dustin’s opinion. He was the only one that Eddie even let try to tutor him, because he was the only one who actually understood his problem, despite how clearly Eddie was able to put it.

It definitely made him feel special, because he was special. Eddie even said so, beyond grateful that he found himself able to pay attention to his hard subjects for the first time in… ever. It was the least he could do. Especially since he was dealing with what was probably the only school year in his life to have zero bullies. And he knew it wasn’t because everyone in highschool was magically more mature. He’d walked in on an insane amount of swirlies and heard too many insults hurled at other kids to think otherwise. But luckily enough for him, people just… stayed clear of Eddie. Like he was actually scary or something. And… okay. Maybe he was a little. But only when he was like, insanely angry. Like rabid-dog angry, but that wasn’t an everyday thing. Though that didn’t stop everyone else from avoiding Eddie and most of his friends like the plague.

But Dustin was lucky enough to fit in a little better, which was good for all of the extracurricular shit he had to do with random people. It helped that he was friends with Lucas, who was bordering on the edge of just being completely normal, the traitor. And getting rides to-and-from school from Steve himself was also a major plus. It wasn’t like the equivalent to having a car, but it was close enough. And a surprising amount of girls were silly enough to think they could have a chance with him. Which was kind of insane, considering how he really never tried.

Dustin considered the world lucky that Steve turned out to be gay. Otherwise he’d be too powerful. How would anyone else have a chance?

And weirdly enough, the random crushes actually worked in Dustin’s favor. At least when it came to random project partners and tiny club elections, but still. It was nice to have friends that were so cool. Cool enough to make Dustin not feel like a weirdo among his other peers for the first time in his life, while not having to change a single thing about himself.

It was nice. Really, really nice. So yes, Dustin Henderson was a dork. But now he was a dork with an edge.

from the latest chapter of this fic

#steddie #steddie fic #steddie ficlet #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things #the universe trapped in your skin #dustin henderson #i think these are just short enough to work for the tumblrs #not that it's stopped me before #steddie childhood friends au #and shhh im an art student don't question the non existenet chemistry #its fiiiine

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karniss-bg3 · 6 months

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Something I think about an bit is spiders are cold blooded so are driders and if so how dose kar’niss del with winter or the shadow lands they look quite cold and last question could you ever tell me how you think an drider book lung works (aha sorry that’s all and I love your posts)

I had to go down some wacky rabbit holes to really hash this one out. One thing I will say for this blog, it’s made me more educated about topics I never would’ve considered before. I expect by the time my tenure is finished I’ll walk away a certified genius.

...Or just as goofy as I’ve always been. Either way it’s a net positive.

Here is the problem I run into when trying to work out the intricacies of fantasy creatures...I don’t know what rules to use. By that I mean there are nuances to consider when asking “How does Kar’niss _____?” Am I basing this off of real world examples or examples from the world in which they are from? If so how does that impact the overall conclusion I come to? Is it fair to compare a drider to an animal from our planet without knowing the physics of Faerun? Is their gravity the same, the climate, the oxygen distribution, the atmosphere? It’s the classic “Adrian overthinks bullshit because he doesn’t know how to do otherwise” story hour. That isn’t even taking into consideration how magic may impact the answer especially considering magic is intangible and a made up concept whose rules change from medium to medium. This is the world’s most frustrating fun house where every mirror reflects a different outcome and I’m too derpy to consider them all.

Now that I’ve got the long winded non-sense out of the way, here is the best assessment I could cobble together.

The problem with Kar’niss’ anatomy is it’s unclear how the two halves work together. Spiders in our world do have lungs but they do not have active breathing mechanisms like a diaphragm in humans. However, Kar’niss has the ability to speak, ragged as it may be. This leaves me with the assumption that the lungs in his torso still function, giving him the ability to inhale and exhale in order to talk. But Kar’niss’ heart and lungs would be far too small and pathetic to maintain the spider half with as large as it is. So I have to conclude that even if the two halves of them are attached, the only thing shared between them is a digestive tract. The blood he consumes has to go somewhere and he can’t nourish only one half and neglect the other. I believe all of his digestion is done in the spider half and the stomach in his drow torso is basically non-functional as a result.

Where we run into a bit of a hitch more stems from how big Kar’niss is. Even if his spider body doesn’t have to worry about maintaining the drow torso via heart and lungs, it has another issue; Available oxygen. Prehistoric insects from the Carboniferous period were huge, far larger than anything we see today. This is because of how dense our air was with oxygen which allowed them to increase in size without side-effects. So I have to ask, how high is the oxygen content in Faerun? Does it matter? Probably not! It does make me wonder how an arachnid body that large, whether drider or giant spider, survives if the oxygen in the air is low. Humans, giants, demons, driders and all manner of creatures can co-exist in a fantasy realm where the rules are made up and the points don’t matter.

While I could go into detail about the difference between human lungs and spider lungs I think I’d be splitting hairs at that point. When it comes to Kar’niss I think both bodies have working organs that are suited to the body they are in, which is the only reason this macabre union works at all.

As for how Kar’niss survives the cold that is also an interesting question to answer. Driders don’t usually wear armor but they can if so inclined, which means they aren’t worried about being naked as a jay bird. This question is a bit compounded by the fact that most driders don’t leave the Underdark, an area notorious for lack of sunlight. So I had to tap dance my way back to real world spiders to find a reasonable answer for this.

The first step in how spiders survive the winter is by adapting to the cold temperatures. They do this by increasing their metabolic rate, which helps them generate more heat. This allows them to stay warm even in the coldest temperatures. They also produce antifreeze proteins, which help them survive in temperatures as low as -10°C. Another strategy spiders use to survive the winter is by avoiding freezing. When temperatures drop too low, spiders can start to freeze with the water particles surrounding them. To prevent this, spiders produce cryoprotectants, which help them survive in sub-zero temperatures. These cryoprotectants act like antifreeze, preventing the spider’s cells from freezing and allowing them to survive even in the coldest temperatures.

While I am not sure if this is the same thing driders would do, I imagine they must come with some way to contend with ambient temperatures to keep themselves from freezing. I vote slapping a striped scarf on him and hand him a cup of hot cocoa. It’ll taste like ass to him, but it should do the trick all the same. Just don’t let him spit out the hot liquid onto your face, I am not responsible for any burn related injuries that may occur.

I hope even a fraction of this made sense. It was the long way of saying “RANDOM BULLSHIT, GO!” Eh, close enough.

Thanks for the ask!

(Side note: I just learned drider vampires exist. As if things weren't already fucked up enough for the poor bastards.)

#baldur's gate 3 #kar'niss #drider #bg3 #karniss #baldurs gate 3 #answered #drow #drider anatomy #theorycrafting #Don't ask how many tabs I had open while researching #the answer is “too many”#my search history is going to put me on a list stg

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fromriches-tosin · 1 year

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Okay, buckle up, we're gonna talk Jean and Floch (and Eren) ((and Reijean again because getting emotional about them is like my second job now – seriously, I’m putting as much Reijean into this as possible, it’s not a joke)).

But mostly Jean and Floch, yeah.

As I’ve said before, Jean Kirschtein is a masterpiece of a character and I’ll most probably never shut up about him, the way he is written, developed and, just in general, Jean is the man, okay? As one of Isayama’s favorites, he is allowed to evolve in many delicious ways. He is also allowed to have some nice, eye-opening moments.

One of them is connected to Floch. Because Floch is very similar to Jean and yet exists to be his polar opposite in the areas that matter the most. He is, in a way, an extreme and radicalized version of Jean, if you will. And I think Jean knows that. Not only knows, but perhaps even wonders, whether Floch is what Jean himself could have become (to some extent) if Marco hadn’t died, if he had gone along with his initial plan and joined the MPs, and if he had been a tad more obsessive.

At the beginning of the story Jean does his best to come off as a self-obsessed coward and a jerk who never intends to step a foot outside of the Walls or use his honed skills to help humanity. He is lazy and focused on one goal only – staying safe in the Interior. However, the moment the Titans appear in Trost, is the moment we learn Jean is in fact not a simple coward – and far from it. Dropping the façade, he reveals himself to be one of the most dependable people around and, just like Marco prophesized, a natural born leader at heart. His friend’s death is of course the final straw, leading to his eventual involvement with the Scout Regiment instead of the Military Police. And it’s not just a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing for him. He’s not inspired by some higher force (or Eren). He makes a conscious decision to sacrifice whatever comfortable, easy life he could have, to stay true to himself and to do what he believes to be right. Sure, guilt and self-loathing are involved, but once Jean makes up his mind, everything is settled. He won’t back down from the challenge.

Needless to say, Jean’s not as OP as Levi or a genius strategist like Armin – even though he’s a Shadis-approved master of the ODM gear and smart in his own right. He’s definitely not as driven and intense as Eren. He's pragmatic and doesn’t intend to just throw his life away. Basically, compared to the main characters, he is just some guy who knows what fear and despair taste like, who allows himself to consider choosing the easy way out, acknowledges it and then – pushes forward to do what needs to be done. That’s why he is a good leader – he’s not a superhero, but a fellow human being who’s scared and yet fights on. And don’t get me wrong, he can still be a dramatic asshole, eager to antagonize others (Eren) and definitely not someone flawless. But that’s what makes him so relatable.

Jean facing his own humanity is probably one of the most reoccurring motifs in the series. He is aware of his shortcomings. He knows when to rely on others rather than let his ambition rule him and endanger those he’s supposed to lead (like when he takes command of the operation in Shiganshina at Armin’s request, but counts on him to come up with the final plan). He is also very well aware of the sacrifices that need to be made in their line of work. That’s why he’s able to face the harsh truth and take a step forward. But he’s far from okay.

One of my favorite moments to illustrate that is during the battle with the Armored Titan in Shiganshina, when the gang thinks they actually managed to kill Reiner. Jean is trying to be in charge and keep everyone in line while, well, crying himself. We’re the ones who killed him.

Enter Floch.

A self-proclaimed and pretty much self-obsessed coward who doesn’t want to fight the Titans, but does face them when the time comes. At the beginning he’s pretty carefree and very ignorant about what fighting the Titans actually entails. Whether we can consider him brave for his engagement in the Battle of Shiganshina, or whether we should see him as simply pressured into following the herd into the arms of death is up for discussion, but the fact is he does listen to Erwin and fulfill his duty when ordered to.

His strong and very twisted sense of devotion starts to shine through the moment he has a near-death experience and when Erwin’s life is on the line as well. He mostly loses his mind right there and then. As a result, where Jean’s devoted and still open to discussion, Floch’s obsessed (also traumatized beyond belief, I’ll give him that, but Jean sure isn’t any less traumatized at that stage). He doesn’t want to listen to anyone’s arguments. He’s fixated on one goal and he’s not letting go – therefore, inspiring another devil to raise (more on that later).

Just like Jean, he’s very blunt – not afraid to tell Armin he should have been the one to die in Erwin’s place or tell Hitch that Marlo regretted going to the battlefield right before his death. Whereas Jean’s bluntness can be seen (not always, but usually) as coming from a good place, Floch is a herald of very brutal and controversial truth – of what he obsessively believes to be the truth – that won’t change anything, but will hurt those around him. Jean, especially post-Trost, is not one to hurt others just for the sake of hurting them. Floch doesn’t really have that kind of filter.

Floch eventually becomes a leader too, as he starts gathering the Yeagerists, but at the same time remains a blind follower of whatever he believes in. His behavior is more akin to that of a cult leader — in stark contrast to Jean’s leadership and his constant questioning of whether what he does is right.

Then there is some very obvious physical resemblance, especially in the anime.

So, a similar story, similar character traits, similar looks even, but a completely different outcome?

Why?

Because of compassion. And because Isayama likes Jean a lot, so he gives him juicy (and very meaningful) storylines even if at first they seem to be of secondary importance.

Whereas Floch appears to lack compassion in general, Jean has it in abundance. We see it well when he interacts with Gabi or when he tries to find justification for Eren’s terrifying behavior, but both these moments are pretty fresh in our memory, so let’s go back in time and use another Reiner/Jean moment as an example (because I’m a f*cking sap, alright).

After the battle with Reiner in Shiganshina, and while being treated for the injuries Reiner himself has dealt to him, Jean overhears him talk about Ymir’s letter to Krista.

Well, I never interpreted Jean’s desperate suggestion to steal Reiner’s Titan power just as his sudden need to propel Hange’s research or to gain them an upper hand over their enemies. Sure, this is the argument he uses to persuade Hange of all people, because it’s Hange who has just lost their entire squad (beloved Moblit included) to the Colossal Titan. It’s obvious that at this specific moment Hange will not respond well to Jean’s begging for Reiner’s life. But they do respond to a logical argument that corresponds with their mission.

If you disagree with that interpretation, think about it this way: one of the most important things about Jean’s character is that he’s very good at reading the situation and understanding other people’s struggles. That’s exactly what Marco saw in him from the very beginning.

(because you care, baby, because you care just oh-so much)

Jean can no longer keep up the façade – he could devise the attack plan and attempt to kill Reiner in cold blood when there was no other choice. But, once Reiner is left broken on the ground, still loyal enough to protect Ymir’s letter, and even has balls to ask them to deliver it to Krista… Well, that’s what breaks Jean’s resolve. Because Reiner is no longer just an enemy. He is, once again, an old comrade and a friend.

So, Jean tries to delay the inevitable. Does he hope Reiner will start talking? Does he think it might be possible to take away one’s full Titan power without taking away their life? Or maybe he’s simply not ready to see Reiner beheaded again? Anyway, he cares more than he thought he would.

(Well, me and Jean have that in common, apparently – we’re both f*cking saps for Reiner)

Enter Eren.

(please forgive me for using that pretty much unrelated panel, it’s just… so evil and cool)

Okay, Jean and Eren’s dynamic is one of my favorites in the series. Jean has zero tolerance to Eren’s idealistic bullshit and keeps calling him out on it both fairly and unfairly throughout the story. He is not phased in the least when he meets the freshly shifted Eren after the Battle of Trost. He doesn’t pull any punches as he explains what exactly is expected of him. In a way, he helps Eren see the situation through the eyes of a mere mortal.

Eren seems relieved when Jean doesn’t treat him any differently and still intends to be a real pain in the ass. He’s not like Armin who’ll offer him wise words and gentle encouragement. Not like Mikasa, who will protect him with brute force. Jean is, again, just some guy who doesn’t like beating around the bush and treating Eren like something fragile. Sure, he’ll risk his life for him and, sure, he can be protective of him in other ways (even going as far as to try to stop Connie from telling the others about Eren’s reaction to the news of Sasha’s death). But first and foremost, Eren can count on his honesty – Jean helps him stay grounded.

Eren, unfortunately, witnesses Floch’s devil rant in Shiganshina from up close. That’s why he turns to him for help later on. He knows Floch will get behind his radical reasoning and even the most brutal of ideas. Floch wants the devil to be reborn, after all. And that’s exactly what he gets.

But hey, before Eren and Floch join forces, they are pretty much at odds, aren’t they? They even get into a fight, and who has to break it up then? Ah, yes, Jean. The one who tries to beat the shit out of Eren more times than we can count (and vice versa), and who has to be forcefully separated from him even by Levi himself.

It is pretty symbolic, Jean suddenly not being the one in a fight with Eren, but instead the one trying to break it up. A telling shift in the narrative.

And isn’t it ironic that once Eren consciously descends into madness, he chooses Floch as his trusted ally? Floch, who resembles Jean in many ways, but who will also follow him blindly into hell itself? Eren knows Jean won’t agree with his plan. And he surely cannot have Mikasa or Armin at his side. So, perhaps, he finds comfort in turning to the person who reminds him of one of his old friends. His bastardized version, for sure. But still, somewhat familiar.

Maybe it’s just my interpretation, but the way Isayama draws Jean, and the way Jean looks at Floch in many of the panels make it look like he recognizes how similar they are. There’s terror in his eyes, but there is also some kind of familiarity. Because if there is an ocean between them, they are standing on two opposite, yet very similar shores.

Once the inevitable happens, Floch’s absolutely certain he’s dying for the right cause, doing the right thing. And it’s scary. I mean, you can dislike (or like) the guy all you want, I sure can appreciate a good villain (but wouldn't want to meet him in real life).

Jean fantasizes briefly about letting Eren do his thing. Because that would be the easiest way out. The least painful. Because he’s tired and hurting. When Floch offers him the option to just stop fighting, Jean wants to accept it. But he can't. Because in contrast to Floch, Jean listens to others (Hange, Marco), is aware of the consequences of his actions and, in a conversation with Reiner, is able to acknowledge his not so heroic role in the war. They are the same, after all — killers who took lives of innocent people to protect those close to them. To do the so called “right thing”. Thus, Jean has no right to judge Reiner, but rather an obligation to honor those who died, trying to win back their freedom. And he has to honor them by not allowing the world to be destroyed.

Floch isn't graced with a moment of self-reflection and dies a fanatic, an extreme example of what a man can achieve when he gives in to his darkest desires. Jean is on the other side of the spectrum, remaining the symbol of flawed, yet prevailing humanity — of what it means to have a heart. After all, what for Jean started with Marco's death, ended with him forgiving and saving Reiner.

#jean kirstein #jean kirschtein #floch forster #reiner braun #reijean #attack on titan spoilers #shingeki no kyojin spoilers #eren yaeger #eren jaeger #Reiner x Jean #veecanons

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yandere-writer-momo · 1 year

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Yandere Baki Headcanons

Now this one has Gaia, Sikorsky, and Katou Kiyosumi

Gaia was requested! I just wanted to add the other two for funsies. My requests are open for headcanons

Gaia

You more than likely caught his eye by being good with children. Gaia loves children and he sometimes plays games with them if he’s in the park. He would probably observe you for awhile before making his move

He would charm you first with his quick wit and his easy going attitude. You would never know he had two personalities living within him unless you caught him fighting.

He would come off as the perfect man. Easy to talk to, kind, good with children, he’s very neat, and he can cook. What isn’t there to like about him?

Manipulative. This man is a battle tactic genius, of course he’d be able to manipulate you as well until you’re wrapped around his finger. He would make sure you’re completely dependent on him before you even realized what was going on

Would isolate you from all of your friends. You don’t need them anymore if you’re with him. Don’t be sad that your friends never want to spend time with you, you can spend plenty of time with Gaia. He made the two of you sandwiches to eat in the park. Food tastes even better eaten outside, after all. Wouldn’t a peaceful picnic take your mind off of them? You could even play tag with him and the children.

He would make you want him and appear very vague on whether he was attracted to you. He’d manipulate you into believing you liked him first even though he was the one who had his eyes set on your first. Your blushing face when you confess to him is probably the cutest thing he’s ever seen, how could he say no to such a heartfelt confession?

Sikorsky

You were probably unknowingly kind to him to catch his attention. Maybe he was sitting on the side of the streets hungry and you offered him some food? Don’t you know you should never feed a stray or they’ll keep coming back?

Extremely charismatic and great with sweet talking. He’d offer to walk you home and help you with simple tasks. And he would slowly worm his way into your life with his sweet words and actions. You’d have no idea he was a criminal

Manipulative as well. But he would act like he was innocent and gentle. He was a poor foreigner who didn’t know much about Japan, and you were the only person kind enough to pay him any mind. He is so grateful for how kind and naive you are, it makes it that much easier for him to sink his fangs into you

Nauseatingly possessive. Has you wear his clothes if you go out. Hell tell you in a tone so sweet, it would turn sugar into caramel, “So you’re not cold.” He just doesn’t want anyone else to flirt with you or even talk to you. Sikorsky is a big man, he’s super intimidating to everyone around them so it isn’t hard for him to chase others off who may want to pursue you

Extremely touchy. He loves touching you and holding you. You’re just so small and helpless compared to him. It’s like you were made specially for him to devour

Bonus: Now if you were Gaia’s partner, oh lord. This man is pulling every dirty trick in the book to try to pull you away from the mercenary and he’d make you blush so much, he believed you’d explode any minute. I think he’d back down if Gaia got upset. I don’t see Gaia being the jealous type. I feel he knows you’re too caught up in his web to ever leave him but he wouldn’t mind sharing you with Sikorsky. It keeps the convict in his place after all. Sikorsky is only allowed near you because Gaia allows it. He can use you as leverage to manipulate Sikorsky

Katou Kiyosumi

He would start off as a tsundere and then progress into a Yandere once he ‘realized’ you liked him (he’s delusional)

You’d also attract him by being kind to him. Maybe you gave him some water and a snack when he was passed out drunk on the street after a long self destructive night? Maybe you complimented his outfit? Little things like that matter to Kiyosumi because he’s not usually noticed by people. Kiyosumi knows deep down he’s a loser and constantly pushes people away. You’re more than likely a convenience store worker who is nice to everyone or just a genuinely very kind person that lives in the area Kiyosumi frequents

He presents himself as a very prideful person even though he’s one of the most insecure people around. He hangs on every compliment you give him like a lifeline. He tries to act ‘cool’ and brush you off, but his blush gives it away on how he feels

He’s delusional as hell. You’re complimenting him because you’re attracted to him. That would be the only reasonable answer because he was a scum bag. He lived like a slob and he hardly ate a proper meal, he had no idea why else you would be so nice to him unless you have a crush on him

Probably stalks you. At first it was just out of curiosity on if you lived nearby since you two always ran into each other but then it becomes a daily occurrence. He’s just making sure his partner gets home safe

Truly believes the two of you are dating in his head. You probably don’t even know his name, you’re just being nice to the local drunk man who used to fall asleep on the street because you hope he turns his life around

Kiyosumi probably stops drinking as much because he can’t see or spend as much time with you being under the influence. He wants to know what you’re doing every second of the day

You’d never know he was watching you until it was too late when he wants to make the relationship physical. You don’t stand a chance against his strength when he crawls in through your window to cuddle you while you sleep. You can probably taste the sake on his lips when he kisses you

#female reader #yandere #yandere imagine #baki hanma #baki the grappler #yandere fic #baki x reader #yandere x reader #yandere x you #baki the grappler x reader #baki son of ogre #yandere baki #kiyosumi katou #sikorsky #gaia baki #requests open

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tsumoren · 1 year

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Hihhii,, can u do Takamine Midori accidentally blurting out their crush on a ryuseitai practice , then the rest of the homies give out advice but midori is like "no. I'm gonna get over this eventually." But then one day!! I don't know both of u guys hang out like walking in the hallway while carrying things to practice (or anything) then he suddenly blurts out that he has a crush on the reader!! Reader feels he same and yay((imagine the other members watching them too aw))

OUT OF MY LEAGUE !

SUMMARY. for better or for worse, midori finds that he could never be mad at you.

FEATURING. midori takamine

NOTES. lowercase, reader is gn, chiaki and kanata are still third years here, chiaki uses the word “girlfriend” once ( in reference to himself ), no angst just fluff, again not proofread sorry !!

GUESS WHOS BACK !!! anon haiiii !!!! so sorry for making you wait so long ahakskshdhshd hope you enjoy !!!!

if there’s one thing midori is sure of, it’s that he could drop dead at this very second and he wouldn’t even mind it one bit.

of course, that’s an exaggeration. but if he could hide away for the rest of his life until he was forgotten from everyone’s memory, that would also be a nice alternative. because as much as he appreciates you, you always have a tendency to make him go red in the face—whether intentionally or not.

you weren’t trying to embarrass him—nothing you ever do is purposefully malicious. but really, he wishes sometimes you were a little more self aware. not only for his sake, but for your own as well. those other guys never think before they act, and it’ll only be a matter of time before they start asking you questions instead of him.

midori doesn’t know what he’d do in that scenario. a part of him says to crawl into a hole and die, another part of him say to just suck it up and deal with the shame like he deserves. midori—of course—is stuck somewhere in the middle.

“don’t be stupid!” he shouts, cursing when the edge of his voice cracks. the heat moves past the spread of his cheeks and blooms straight up his neck and towards the tips of his ears. there’s a glow in chiaki’s eyes that set him on edge more than usual, and it doesn’t take a genius to know he isn’t leaving the practice room with his lips sealed.

“but you never said you had a—”

“it’s not like that! god, you’re so annoying...”

he has half the mind to open the door and high-tail it back to his home, and he attempts to do just that—except the moment he takes even one step, chiaki grabs the back of his collar and pulls him back to the corner of the practice room.

‘perfect,’ midori thinks to himself after having lost the will to fight back. he’s known morisawa-senpai long enough to know that he just doesn’t quit it. and so he allows the senior to drag him back to the walls as he pleases, sinking deeper into the pits of despair when the others turn their heads expectantly at him—like they expect him to let everything out just like that, ‘just great.’

how did he get here? how did this happen? midori sighs dramatically and awkwardly fumbles with the wrapped lunchbox in his hands. this was the worst possible outcome, there’s no way what’s happening is real right now. it’s not funny, it’s anything but funny—and it’s all your fault.

he stops that thought before it even has the chance to progress. no, it's not your fault. he couldn’t stomach the thought of blaming you for something like this. you wouldn’t purposefully try to sabotage him.

it was an innocent gesture, he tells himself. you didn’t mean anything by it, ill will or otherwise. you, who showed up with bright eyes and a cheerful grin and his bento in your hand because he left it when homeroom ended and if you didn’t give it to him now then you would definitely forget to give it to him later, and that wouldn’t be good for the either of you—him, mostly. the same you who walked straight into the practice room like it was the most natural thing in the world and left with only a friendly smile and a hopeful ‘see you tomorrow!’ that left a tiny flame burning inside his chest.

“it’s not even like that,” midori repeats himself and shoves a spoonful of rice into his mouth, like he’s trying to convince chiaki that the two of you are just friends. like he’s trying to convince himself that the two of you are just friends. of course, it’s not that easy. and of course, his expression betrays his own words.

“umm,” tetora speaks out, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly as he sets his own lunch down. “i don’t know anything about love and stuff, but you don’t sound too sure about that. wouldn’t it be better to just, you know, say something?”

really, he knows. midori knows that he’s only prolonging the process. he knows he should just get on with it. in the worst case scenario, all that happened was that you didn’t feel the same way, right? no, no that was way too optimistic. in a real worst case scenario you would call him a total weirdo, and you’d hate him forever, and you’d never want to see him ever again. and midori really doesn’t want to think about what he would do if that ever happened.

“i have to agree, it would be better to confess your feelings, wouldn’t it? ah, but i can see how you might feel under that kind of pressure… hmm…” shinobu brings a finger to his chin, weighing in the potential options. “how about—”

“takamine!” chiaki interjects, maybe a little bit too excited. his eyes widen with sparkle that spells only trouble, and midori almost considers trying to run out of the practice rooms for a second time. “i understand! i also wish for a girlfriend to bring me lunches! and so i will help you to—”

midori’s not sure how much more of this he can take, burying his face in his hands. it was fine, really, it was fine. he could live like this just fine, he was perfectly fine with keeping these feelings deep inside. because it was you, and you stuck around for so long even through his miserable attitude and constant moping without ever complaining about it.

he’s not sure when the room got so quiet, flinching only when he feels kanata’s hand resting gentle on his shoulder.

“midori,” his senior speaks, “this is not something anyone we can do for you. if you love them, you should take the chance.”

he sighs, stilling for just a moment before his shoulders finally fall. “i know, but i’ll get over it some day. thank you anyway, shinkai-senpai.”

“if you don’t, you’ll become like the bubbles in the sea!”

“….thanks, shinkai-senpai….”

as it turns out, midori takamine is a filthy liar, because he doesn’t get over it at all.

if anything, it only gets worse. because you make time for him even when he says he’s busy, and you help him carry stuff from his family’s shop even when he says it’s okay, and you always wait for him outside of class so you can walk to your next one together.

except this time, he wished you didn’t. because he sees you talking with chiaki. there are two large boxes in your arms labeled ‘RYUSEITAI’ in big and bold letters—you must have been on your way to put them in the practice rooms.

you laugh awkwardly, and his heart almost drops to the pits of his stomach. surely it wasn’t about his little-more-than-complicated feelings for you, was it? no, morisawa-senpai is as scatter brained as it gets, there’s no way he would be able to resist spilling his secret like that.

and so, wordlessly, midori swallows what very little pride he has and takes the top box from you, quietly mumbling for you to ‘hurry up because it’s heavy.’ he doesn’t even bother looking back, immediately taking off in the opposite direction, anywhere to get away from chiaki’s blinding presence.

it’s not heavy at all, he’s had to carry heavier carts of vegetables for his family’s shop. maybe you know he’s lying, because you give him a strange look, apologize to chiaki for having to leave so suddenly, and follow right beside him to put away the boxes.

“what was that all about?” you ask once you’re both well out of earshot. there’s a lift at the end of your voice, one that midori can’t quite tell whether it is amusement or suspicion.

“that guy’s a total weirdo, trust me you don’t want to stick around him.” is all midori says, still embarrassed from his childish antics.

you only laugh, “morisawa-senpai is a little strange, but he’s not a bad guy. come on, you out of everyone else should know that, right?”

“still, he’ll tell you strange things.”

“about you?”

midori stills, almost stopping in his tracks when you say those two words. it’s like his worst fear has come true, and he’s almost ready for you to call him a freak of nature.

“take it from me, there’s nothing about you he could possibly say that would weird me out, i promise.”

‘even if i have feelings for you?’ he thinks for just a second.

“even if you have feelings for me,” you respond with more certainty than he’s ever heard.

only then, does midori realize what just happened. his face blooms a bright shade of red, reminiscent of that day just one week ago.

“did i say that out loud?” he asks, his voice no louder than a whisper. this time, he really does stop in the middle of the hall, just outside the doors to the practice room.

“you did,” you smile at him with a twinkle in your eyes, a soft laugh escapes from your throat. “for the record, i’ve known for a while. you’re, really, really, bad at hiding it. but i like you too, a lot more than you think.”

midori is certain that he could die for real this time, a hole could open up right beneath him and he would be perfectly okay with it. except not really, because now he knew you actually liked him too, and dying right after news like that would certainly be extremely disappointing.

maybe you mistook his silence as a bad sign, because the next words to fill the air are a quiet, “you don’t believe me? ah, well, i don’t blame you. you’ve always had a tendency to fear the worst, after all,” and just as quickly as it came, your disappointment soon vanished—but really, midori couldn’t tell whether or not you were even disappointed at all. he could never tell, not with you.

instead , you just laugh and set the large box down outside the practice rooms. “really though,” you start again, voice quieter than when you first began, “i do like you, that’s not a lie.”

his heart feels like it’s going the pop right out of his chest, the blood rushes right to his cheeks — and midori finds that he can’t even force the words out of his throat.

“that’s… you—”

the bell sounds before he can finish his sentence, drowning out his words under the echoes in the halls. thankfully, there’s no one else at the ends of the building. no one else to see the tender expression on your face that’s reserved for midori and midori alone. no one to see how he all but melts into your touch when you reach over to hold his face in your hands.

really, midori doesn’t know how he got here, but if it means he got to be close to you like this, then just maybe — it’ll be okay.

extra note i’m so sorry for disappearing for so long i was in the hospital and had to get surgery + physical therapy but i’m back and better than ever !!!! i will try to respond to everything soon !!!

#💌 tsumoren !#ensemble stars #enstars #ensemble stars x reader #enstars x reader #midori takamine #midori takamine x reader #takamine midori x reader

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taizi · 1 year

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find another guiding light

rise of the tmnt pairing: don & leo, don & raph, don & mikey word count: 4k title borrowed from dear reader by t swift pre&post-movie

read on ao3

“What the hell are we gonna do about Leon?” Donnie says one day when both his older brother and his twin are gone from the lair on a two-man training run that is almost certainly going to end in disaster.

He doesn’t know why he says it. He certainly isn’t expecting any answer that isn’t just an annoyed groaning sound, because what other answer even is there?

But Mikey replies, “You mean how self-destructive he’s been lately?” and it puts Donnie fully on the back foot.

“What?” Donnie says blankly.

“Is that not what we’re talking about?”

“I mean—I guess—I wouldn’t have called it that,” Donnie says, but now that he’s saying it he’s not sure.

Mikey snorts. The sound is humorless. “What else would you call it? Running around throwing himself face-first at every bad guy we find without waiting for back-up, refusing to hang back and come up with a plan even though it used to be his favorite part of a mission, not listening to anybody about anything—it’s like he forgot what self-preservation even is.”

Donnie is thinking really hard and really fast, looking at the last few months through this new lens.

Leo’s their self-proclaimed face-man, but he’s also the idea guy. Donnie is an outright genius when it comes to science and engineering and everything in between, but his twin isn’t stupid. Leo is as clever and Machiavellian as any storybook trickster, and tactics come as easily to him as breathing.

He’s always been the one to suggest a plan, to guide his brothers back on track, to keep them from getting in over their heads. The only times he and Raph ever used to butt heads was when Leo had an idea more stealth than smash.

Donnie would never admit it out loud but Leo’s had those qualities since they were kids. He’s charismatic and charming, a theater kid at heart with the modified genetics of a super soldier and a mind every bit as bright as Donatello’s, even as it twists and turns down other avenues. It made sense that he’d be shoehorned into a leadership role as he got a little older. Leo is the type of person who would be thrilled to captain the crew.

So then why did Leo do a complete 180?

And Mikey made another point, too, whether or not he knows it. If Leo was just being a huge jerk outright, Dr. Delicate Touch would have made an appearance by now and shut that shit down hard. But the fact is, Dr. Feelings has taken point on this one—and if there’s one thing Donnie’s learned the hard way, it’s that Mikey in feelings mode is usually the right one to listen to.

Mikey is watching his pastries rise in the oven. Donnie can see his expression reflected in the glass door. It’s flattened out into plain worry.

“He never tells us any of the important stuff,” the youngest Hamato says, tone uncharacteristically bitter. “He just goes on and on about things that don’t matter until we’re distracted, and it works every stupid time.”

“Leo’s always been that way,” Donnie interjects half-heartedly. “You can’t come at him head-on about stuff or he clams up. You gotta go in a series of annoying, convoluted circles to get to the heart of the thing. He’s literally the creature in the middle of the labyrinth.”

Mikey points at Donnie, as if to say ‘you got me there.’ “And that’s exactly why I don’t think Raphie’s method is helping.”

It’s obviously something he doesn’t want to admit. Mikey is his brothers’ number one fan and cheerleader first, person second. He bites the inside of his lip and starts twisting his fingers in a manner that promises to be painful. Donnie digs into the pocket of his hoodie and shoves one of his own mesh and marble fidget toys across the table at him. It’s an obnoxious lime green color and it makes Mikey smile involuntarily. He twists the toy instead and Donnie falls back into his train of thought running at roughly mach ten.

Raph’s method of confronting anything is head-on. That’s just the type of guy he is—steady and solid and unflinching. And they all depend on him the way most other people probably depend on the sun to rise every morning. Donnie literally does not know how they would make it a single day without Raphael, and prefers not to think about it.

But that also means that Raph and Leo can be like oil and water. And suddenly, the ‘A Team’’s constant bickering and late-night shouting matches and cold shoulders makes more sense.

“I don’t know what to do,” Mikey admits, this empathetic powerhouse with more emotional intelligence in one finger than Donnie has in his whole body. It’s incredibly disheartening to hear. “So for now I just want Leo to know that someone’s on his team.”

Whatever else he might have said is cut off by the familiar electric snap of a portal opening near the turnstiles, and then a second later Raph and Leo materialize in the lair, mid-roof-raising-argument.

Raph is carrying Leo carefully through the living room. There’s blood on his hands, enough to make Mikey suck in a breath from his station in front of the oven. Right away, the facts come together in Donnie’s brain: Leo got hurt.

What looks like all the bandages from the medkit on his waist are wrapped around his arm. Whatever happened, it was bad enough to push out those stress lines around Raph’s eyes and mouth, bad enough that he still hasn’t set Leo on his own two feet, like he might be able to undo all the pain if he just keeps holding him. But Leo is doing what Leo always does, hiding whatever he’s actually feeling behind a smarmy grin and a smart-ass attitude, and Raph’s fear and worry and love have coalesced into something huge and ferocious that sounds a lot like anger.

Now Donnie knows what to look for.

“—what happens when you don’t listen!” Raph snaps furiously. “God, Leo, it’s like you don’t even care!”

“Why should I? Look where it’s gotten you!”

Something darts through Mikey’s eyes that makes Don want to snap at something.

“Leo,” he says, his flat tone cutting through the fight like a souped-up soldering iron through the cheap components of a certain rat’s ancient CRT TV (not that he would know), “you’re still bleeding.”

There’s a beat of silence, and then Raph and Leo both look down at the slider’s arm. Red is blooming across the crisp white gauze. Mikey makes a wounded noise. Right away, Leo clambers out of Raph’s arms with a joke to make their youngest feel better—“It’s okay, Miguel, you should see the other guy!”—and Raph’s getting heated again at the apparent flippancy, and god, it never fucking ends, does it?

Leo is retreating further and further into this new character that doesn’t care about himself or anybody else, and it’s happening right before Donnie’s eyes. He’s already slinking away, out of the warmth and light of the kitchen, away from his family

Donnie realizes abruptly that there is a non-zero chance he might lose his twin brother. That one day he might wake up and not know Leo anymore.

He stands up, chair screeching behind him.

“Lesser twin, with me.”

Leo opens his mouth to try to get out of it, but that’s not going to happen. Donnie’s not having it. With the way their bodies work—ninpo and genetic modifications and yokai-isms, oh my—if it’s still bleeding, it needs stitches. And Leo, self-made team medic, ought to know that.

He gives Leo a look that says Remember when Taylor Swift’s Folklore album came out and you performed the entire thing in my lab and I swore I didn’t record you? I one-thousand-percent recorded you.

Leo’s look back succinctly says You motherfucker.

But he falls in next to Donnie without another word, a move that probably bewilders their brothers into next year. He definitely isn’t happy about it. He’s still prickly and defensive. It seems like he’s waiting to get ganged up on.

Raph starts to follow them and Donnie says, “I got it.” He shoves Leo a step ahead of him, putting his own body between him and Raph like a wall. It doesn’t feel good to do it. He chooses cowardice and doesn’t look back at whatever Raph’s expression looks like as a result.

Behind them, ever-reliable Mikey jumps in immediately with a bright, “You can help me with the cupcakes, Raph! We’re doing cream-filled red velvet!”

In the infirmary, Donnie points Leo toward a cot. Leo rolls his eyes and hops up to sit on the edge of it. He starts unwinding the gauze from around his arm agreeably enough, wincing a bit when the final layer sticks and comes away with a painful pull.

Don’s stomach swoops unpleasantly at the sight of the torn skin. It’s definitely not the worst he’s seen—they’ve taken worse damage flubbing skateboarding moves on the half-pipe—but it’s still not nice to look at. He takes a moment to swallow hard, then asks, “What happened?”

“Typical oozesquito shenanigans,” Leo says off-handedly. “Alley cat? Adorable. Mutated yokai alley cat? Not as much.”

Donnie grimaces sympathetically. “Claws or teeth?”

“Teeth. Hey, do you think we can get rabies?”

“I can’t wait to find out.” Putting rabies vaccinations at the top of his mental to-do list, Donnie gestures with a sweep of his arm at the infirmary. “This is your domain, Nerdo. Where’s the stuff I need?”

“You know I don’t actually need an assist. Like you said, my domain.”

“Wow that’s a super interesting non-answer to my question.”

With a dramatic, put-upon sigh, Donnie’s little brother points him in the right direction and says, “Steri-strips are in the top left cabinet.”

Immensely grateful he wasn’t directed towards the suture needles or the skin stapler, because as willing as he is to help it really doesn’t take much for Vomitello to make a guest appearance, the softshell rummages through Leo’s meticulously organized industrial-tool-chest-turned-medical-supply-cabinet, triumphantly coming up with a pack of adhesive bandages and some antiseptic wipes after a moment.

He pushes the wheeled stool over with his foot and it bounces gently off Leo’s knee, shuddering to a stop just in front of him. Leo tries to kick it as Donnie sits down and nearly succeeds, giggling like a menace when Donnie staggers and almost eats it face-first on the floor.

“Okay,” Don says loudly, not actually as annoyed as he’s trying to sound. “Arm.”

“Donald, seriously, I got it.”

“Leonard, seriously, I will upload that T Swift footage today.”

Leo mimics him with all the maturity of a three-year-old but ultimately surrenders his arm. He looks tense and uncomfortable the whole time, like he’s forgotten how to let someone this close.

And Donnie thinks about what Mikey said in the kitchen, about wanting Leo to know he had someone on his team. He thinks about how things were a year ago, when that would have gone without saying.

It doesn’t take long to wipe down Leo’s arm and press the steri-strips over the wound. Then Donnie sits next to him on the cot. Neither of them speak up right away. They can both tell this is going to be a Moment, and Donnie, for one, is bracing himself. He gets the feeling that he really, truly, can’t fuck this one up.

“I know something’s percolating in that abstruse brain of yours,” he finally says. “So talk. But do me a favor and skip over all the posturing and trying to convince me nothing’s going on and lying right to my face, okay? I don’t know how much time we have before Mikey kicks the door in and drags us to a TED talk.”

It’s as much of a threat as it needs to be. Grudgingly, like he’s prying each word up out of the mud, Leo mutters, “I want dad to take it back.”

Donnie wants more than anything to shake Leo until all of his secrets fall out of his mouth and Donnie can sweep them away to a safer place. Like an encrypted folder on his computer. But he can’t do that, so he has to settle for—ughh, patience.

It pays off. Leo admits, in the safe, familiar space of his infirmary, that he doesn’t want to be team leader. He doesn’t want things to change. His crooked, cooked-up scheme is to just—fuck up over and over again until papa decides Leo can’t be trusted with that mantle that rightfully belongs to Raph.

Donnie understands him. Of course he does. He hates change, too. It makes him feel itchy and restless. He likes knowing what to expect. He likes when everything is in the same place he left it.

If Leo wanted to be the leader, he’d be good at it. As long as he doesn’t want to, he won’t be. So it’s a scheme—Donnie can get behind that. He knows whose side he’s on. It’s the side he’s always been on, since the day he read the definition of “twin” out of a water-logged dictionary. It’s his job to be here. Leo’s kind of an idiot for expecting him to be anywhere else.

“Not a bad hypothesis,” Donnie says, pressing their shoulders together. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Leo’s face split in an honest smile. “It’d probably work a lot better for you if you’d let Raph in on it, you know.”

“Please, are you kidding?” Leo scoffs. “As if he’d ever play along. Half the time I think he must hate me. I stole his job and now I’m not even doing it right.”

Are we talking about the same person? Donnie wants to demand. Raphael, the guy who carried you home not even twenty minutes ago? The guy who’s always carried you?

He doesn’t say that. Instead, he says, “Let me handle Raph.”

Back in the kitchen, the cupcakes are filled and in the process of being frosted. Mikey’s going all out, piping bag in hand, an assortment of edible decorations spread across the counter. Raph is gamely assisting to the best of his ability, even though his big fingers make it more of a task than it rightly should be. They both glance up when Donnie and Leo come in.

“Hey, your timing is as suspiciously convenient as always,” Mikey says cheerfully. “I need to take some pics for my Insta but after that you better come eat some of these.”

“Everything good?” Raph asks gruffly.

“Todo esta bien, hermano,” Leo says, breezing inside like he hadn’t just spent the last ten minutes unloading his fear of failure and inadequacy, as well as his certainty that the big brother he admires so much doesn’t like him anymore. “It smells like magic in here! Michael, we gotta get you a sponsor or something. The world needs to experience this.”

Mikey laughs and passes Leo a piping bag. “Raphie’s working on a rainbow sprinkle unicorn cupcake over there, and you’ll never guess who that one’s for.”

The surprise that darts across Leo’s face hurts to look at. His eyes drop down to the lopsided multi-colored creation taking shape under Raph’s clumsy hands. He looks more vulnerable in that moment than he has since the day dad unceremoniously turned everything they knew upside down.

“Raph, I need to talk to you,” Donnie says loudly because he’s about to get mad and do something he’ll probably regret, like put his fist through the projector in the TV room. “Chop-chop. The sprinkles can wait.”

“The sprinkles cannot,” Mikey and Leo chorus at the same time in exactly the same tone like the freaks of nature they are. Raph makes the right choice and escapes their company, following Don down the tunnel toward his corner of the lair.

“Okay, focus up,” Donnie says the second the reinforced door is closed behind them. “We’re getting your old job back.”

He understands why the infirmary gave Leo the courage to talk. His lab does the same for him. It’s like Mikey’s kitchen, Raph’s dojo—they each have a place that makes them feel their best.

“Wait, what?” Raph looks bewildered. “What are you talking about?”

“The leader schtick, Raphala, keep up please. Leo’s going to keep sabotaging himself at full-speed until papa sees the light and demotes him. I’d like to see that happen before he breaks all of the bones in his body.”

Raph’s brow furrows beneath his mask. “Hang on, is that what he’s doing? I thought he just—didn’t care.”

Donnie gives that remark the deeply unimpressed look it deserves. “Right. Leonardo Hamato, the guy who started teaching himself field medicine when he was eight years old after you sprained your ankle and he cried for two hours because he didn’t know how to fix it, doesn’t care.”

He kind of feels bad for dumping this on Raph the way he has, but honestly. They’ve been stuck in place for months now, and Mikey’s been on edge constantly with all the fighting, and Leo’s going to get himself killed trying to prove something no one else believes, and Donnie can feel something toothed and tender coming alive inside his chest, trying to bite and claw and fight its way out.

Leo’s afraid you hate him, he doesn’t say, but he wants to. Leo’s scared all the time now. Of course he’s been acting like an asshole, when’s the last time he actually told somebody he was scared?

Donnie’s the fixer. He wants to fix this. If Raph would just get on board, maybe he’ll be able to.

“If Leo wanted to be the leader, we would have heard about it one million times every single day since he was four, ” Donnie says plainly. “The fact is, we haven’t. Draw your own conclusion.”

“But he’d be good at it,” Raph says, his tone blank with surprise and a total lack of comprehension. “That’s why dad gave him that role in the first place. I was always supposed to be the placeholder while Leo grew up. And now if he’d just put in the effort—if he’d try—he’d be amazing.”

“Okay, and I’d be good at domestic terrorism, but somehow I think you’d frown upon me reaching my full potential there.”

“Donnie!” Raph looks scandalized, like the NSA might be listening in. Puh-lease.

“Look,” Donnie says. He has no idea why he’s the one fielding these feelings talks, but he gives it his best shot. It’s probably not fair to shovel it onto Mikey’s shoulders all the time anyway. “You’re not a placeholder anything. Don’t say that. You’re our leader. We’ve always followed you. If we didn’t want to, we wouldn’t. Especially Leo. He’s a nightmare person. He’s never done a single thing he didn’t want to do. He was happy being your right-hand man.”

The snapper stares at him. His eyes are all dewy, and Donatello prays to any imaginary higher power that might be listening that he won’t cry, because Donnie becomes absolutely useless in all directions the second his siblings cry.

Miraculously, Raph smiles instead.

“Okay,” he says. “Raph’s listening. Loop me in.”

Actually talking about stuff changes everything—who knew?

It’s like they’ve been stuck in a boarded up room for weeks and someone finally wrestled a window open and let in a fresh breeze. All the stagnant air got swept out and they could finally breathe again.

They’re all playing along now. There are multiple levels to this deception happening all at the same time. Raph and Leo still bicker where papa can hear it, but they’re as thick as thieves at all other times. Raph is the one who makes the final call on a mission, but he makes it a point to hash things out with Leo first, so it’s really their final call. Donnie watches as Leo learns the ropes without realizing he’s learning the ropes. As Raph teaches the way he probably would have liked for someone to teach him. They meet in the middle, on each other’s team, where they belong.

If Raph is the foundation they build their lives on, Leo is the sky they reach for. Gravity was all out of whack with the two of them at odds. Donnie never wants them to fall out of orbit ever again.

They still lost the key, but it wasn’t anybody’s fault in particular. They were all playing keep-away with it to tick off Hypno and what’s-his-name, and Mikey shouted, “Go long!” and Donnie flubbed the catch. Raph called out, “I got it, I got it!” and Leo took that as a challenge because of course he did and neither of them got it. They were all laughing about it. They had no idea what that stupid key was, how were they supposed to know it was going to end the world?

Casey Jones still came back from a broken future, and Raph still got captured by the Krang, and Leo still stepped up in a big way, accepting the responsibility he never wanted and leading his family forward into certain danger because he had nowhere else to lead them.

And Leo, who knew how to stack the deck in his favor, who had never done a single thing in his life that he didn’t want to do, looked death right in the eye and told it, “I missed on purpose.”

It’s a good thing Mikey came up with that Hail Mary pass in the form of a sunlight-golden portal, because Donnie’s mind went cold. Donnie’s mind went straight back to the plans for a particle accelerator that he’d abandoned when he was thirteen years old. Donnie was fully ready to rip this goddamn universe apart to get his twin brother back.

In the infirmary Leo is happy to see everyone crammed into the room and camped around his bed, and distressingly honest, though that part is largely thanks to the morphine. Donnie puts a firm kibosh on personal questions, as tempting as it is to grill him when he’s all loopy and his constant guard is non-existent.

“I love this song,” Leo mumbles out of nowhere at two o’clock in the morning, two days after the almost-end of the world.

Mikey’s dead to the world and sprawled on Leo’s plastron, because they’ve discovered through trial and error that the immediate weight and warmth of a sibling nearby keeps the panic at bay when Leo wakes up in the dark and doesn’t know where he is right away. Casey is asleep on the other side of the bed, his head pillowed on his arms. Raph and April are in a pile on the other bed, dozing fitfully.

Donnie’s tablet is in his lap but the screen went dark with inactivity an hour ago. He’s been watching his twin sleep, deep in thought. After dinner, he’d asked S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. to play one of Leo’s favorite albums through the speakers, low enough not to wake anyone in the infirmary on its own.

Now, he says, “Yeah, I know, Nardo. I’m going to end up on the DJ blacklist right next to you with all the Taylor Swift music I’ve been forcing everyone else to endure for your benefit.”

Leo smiles. With the deep bruising on his face and neck, it looks more daring than it should, here in his little corner of the world. “Admit it, Tello. You’re a Swiftie.”

“No one will ever believe you,” Donnie says, some weight in his heart beginning to lift the longer Leo looks back at him and sounds like his old self. “How are you feeling?”

“Like hell,” Leo replies frankly. “Physical therapy is gonna be a B-word.”

“Thank you for unnecessarily censoring a word we’ve both heard a million times, I appreciate that.” Donnie leans forward, placing his tablet out of the way on a nearby overbed table, and says, “I have a question for you, now that you’re no longer lost in the sauce.”

“I bet it’s gonna suck,” Leo mutters.

“Do you still not want to lead us?” Donnie asks bluntly. “You saved the world, you know. I think it’s fair to say you’ve earned your stripes.”

Leo doesn’t answer right away. He’s drawing idle patterns on Mikey’s carapace with his good hand, staring up at the ceiling with hooded eyes.

“I learned my lesson,” he finally says. “I’ll do whatever I have to.”

Whatever he has to. Donnie relives the moment that portal closed, the moment Leo took his own life in his hands to protect his family, the moment everything that Donnie knew was ripped apart in front of his eyes, and thinks, That’s a dangerous precedent.

“Not what I asked,” Don tells him.

“It’s not about me,” Leo replies tiredly. He’s Donnie’s little brother and he sounds ancient, like he’s lived too much life already.

“I don’t know what the hell that means, but fine,” Donnie snaps. “Then it’s about me. It’s about Raph and Mikey and April and Papa. Junior, even. Everyone who loves you more than life itself. It’s about us.” He stares Leo down, daring him to break eye contact, to make light or make a joke. Donnie will climb into that bed and strangle him and no jury on earth would convict him for it. “And you’re one of us. You’re our family. So it’s about you.”

For once in his life, Leonardo is speechless. He swallows a few times, tightens his grip around Mikey, and darts a guilty look toward Raph.

“I don’t want to do it alone,” Leo admits quietly. “I don’t know if I can.”

“You’re my other half, dumb-dumb,” Donnie tells him in no uncertain terms. “You could do any crazy, stupid, impossible thing you put your mind to. But,” he adds, because this is important, and it’s something all of his siblings could stand to hear at least a dozen more times until it’s successfully been drilled into their stubborn brains, “you don’t have to. You don’t have to do anything. You’re a kid, Leo. We all are. This never should have been our problem to solve.”

Then, because he can’t bear the way his younger twin’s eyes get full and wet, he adds, “Next time a warmongering alien race tries to take over the world, I’ll just do it first.”

Leo laughs out loud, like it was surprised out of him. Raph is stirred awake by the sound, and when he sees Leo’s up, he tries to lunge out of bed so fast that April ends up on the floor. Within minutes, everyone in the room is wide awake and talking over each other and the music is drowned out by all the noise. Not even a full forty-eight hours ago, Leo was trapped in a cold, dark place, where a monster held him down and hurt him—but now he’s here and he’s safe and he can still laugh. It’s a hoarse, wheezy sound, and it’s the best thing Donnie’s heard in days.

He’s got a good feeling about tomorrow.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #hamato donatello #hamato leonardo #disaster twins #b team #smash and smarts #my writing #tmnt fic

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kkaewrites · 1 year

Text

ok, then kiss me — osamu miya x reader !

warnings. ooc atsumu, description heavy.

tropes. damsel in distress, meet-cute.

you have never thought of yourself as perfect. which makes sense as to why you’d also never see anyone as flawless. for how can there be one, when all human beings are distinctly designed to be flawed? so, for years, this is what you believed in: everyone have their own defects. no one is god. no one is superior. no one can possibly make you feel otherwise.

until you came across him.

morning jogs were nothing out of the ordinary for you. there’s simply something in the cool air that you enjoy every sunrise, along with the pinkish hued skies. for no other reason would you have thought that today would be a different experience.

you’ve passed the usual tree a few blocks from your place. you’ve gone by the park, where the swing seats lie unaccompanied. the households you’ve memorized elapsed in nothing but colorful blurs, and the streets were emptied, save for the stray animals and a few old women. it was too early for anyone to be out. except maybe you.

except maybe the guy towering over you.

he was not on your routine. no, he’s not supposed to be on your routine. but somehow, as he faces you with a plastic bag full of what you could only guess were onigiris, you couldn’t bring yourself to feel anything negative.

you’ve heard of him. of his honeyed brown eyes and faux blond hair, yes, but more specifically, what he is. he’s a 6 feet tall, volleyball player that every woman is hyped about in school. nevermind the fact that he seems to have an attitude, because he’s damn good at what he does. even you, a not-so-sports-fan, acknowledges his hardwork. you’ve always thought everyone was exaggerating about him, but my god, they were definitely right.

his looks could rival a greek god. and that’s even without proper lighting. what a man he is, miya atsumu.

before you could fall (both literally and figuratively), you sent him a little nod and returned to your jog. you had no idea if he greeted you back, but you didn’t want to stay long enough to find out. there was absolutely no way you’d remain in a danger zone. so, a little shaken and dazed, you continued your morning routine like nothing happened.

although the fact that nothing did happen remains, you certainly think otherwise. for the first time, you thought that maybe there were perfect beings after all.

months pass. just when you thought that miya atsumu was something sort of a hiccup that day, it seems that he definitely didn’t think so. because every morning, as you jog using your favorite route, you’d come across him with a bag of onigiris. unlike the first day you met him, he’s covered in sweat. it didn’t take a genius to figure that he’s jogging. in the same time and same route as you.

talk about coincidence.

but again, like perfections, you’re no fan of fate. it doesn’t matter whether you’d see him every morning, especially since conversations were absent between the two of you. he had never tried talking to you, and you just find it awkward to have eye contacts with him, much more say anythting else. on rare moments that you do meet his brown eyes, though, you’d look away and run faster to avoid him.

you had no idea why you’re so flabbergasted every time you two run across each other, especially since it has happened for too many times already. and you’d like to think that you’re more of an extrovert than an introvert, so why can’t you speak in the presence of this man?

“excuse me.” shit.

he’s definitely pertaining to you. there’s no one in the street but you, and the only thing you could think of at that moment is ’i wish there had been more people‘ because the least you wanted to do then is to talk. especially to him.

nevertheless, you halted. panting and exhausted from your cardio, but heart beating erratically because of him. you were nervous and excited at the same time, so much so that you felt like you’re ready to burst at any given moment.

you turn to face him once you’ve caught your breath and composed yourself. “yes?”

“are you y/n?”

“yes, is something the matter?”

he holds a familiar towel, one that has your name stitched in the far corner, and steps evenly as he walks towards you. “ya dropped this, ‘s all.”

you accepted it quietly. not because you wanted to be rude, but because you had no idea what to even say to him. thanking him would be the normal response, but this was the only interaction you’ve shared with him in the span of months. were you really going to let it all go to waste?

he nods one last time and turns to leave, so in a panic, you blurted out the first thing you could think of.

“atsumu-san,” he stops. that was a stupid move. how could you call him by his first name just like that? one, he never formally introduced himself. two, he never gave you permission to. you internally cursed at yourself for just casually calling out to him like that, what then if he comes to the conclusion that you’re a stalker?

he raises his brow as he waits for you to finish. from the looks of it, he’s not upset. but you’re not entirely sure, maybe that’s his way of looking upset. either way, you get it over with. you didn’t want to prolong things further.

“thanks a lot.”

he nods, probably as his sign to leave. “see ya around, then.”

once he disappears from the corner you originally came from, you were able to let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. talk about intimidating. how could someone play against him and not melt into a puddle? you simply stood there and talked to him, yet your knees were wobbling.

is that what it feels like to be in the presence of a “perfect” person?

everyday, like clockwork, you’d run into miya atsumu while jogging. unlike the first few months of shrugging each other off, the both of you were finally able to at least greet one another. sometimes, it’s a simple nod or grin, and on other days, it’s a “good morning”.

you have grown accustomed to the greetings that your knees were no longer wobbly in his presence, but your image of him never faltered. if possible, it intensified. this went on for so long that there could only be one conclusion about your feelings.

you have a crush. on miya atsumu, of all people.

you huffed out a breath as you continued to jog. this was getting tiresome. you’re simply a different person when you’re face to face with the blond. it has got to stop. you don’t want to wait until it worsens and affects everything else around you. what if, with your dumb luck, you cross paths with him at school? will it also render you speechless?

could that happen?

this caused you to stop in your tracks, eyes glued on the very street you’d both cross paths. for some reason, you decided to switch up your route a bit. instead of the familiar turns you’ve been taking for the past months, you opted to take a left this time, which leads to your subdivision’s park.

you weren’t in the mood to see atsumu today. in fact, you’re not in the mood to affiliate yourself with him anymore. what you feel towards him is getting ridiculous. how could one have this much adoration for someone else? it’s suffocating and heavy in the chest.

impulsively kicking a nearby pebble, you stride towards one of the park benches. you’ve got no answer to your question, not even as you sit down to catch your breath. not even as light stretches in the sky. certainly not even as you realize that you’ve lost all chances of bumping into atsumu today.

you glumly waited for the sun to completely rise. this wasn’t the way to go. simply avoiding him won’t do anything because if this is what it feels like on the first day, what of the others to come?

had you foreseen that you’d get attached to someone like him, you would have ignored his existence completely. you would have taken a different route. damn it.

you’re bound to do something about this tomorrow.

the winds were out of control. it was unlike the calm mornings you’re used to greeting, but it was nothing an oversized hoodie could handle. this wasn’t enough to perturb you in any way, especially since the weather reports earlier claimed that it wouldn’t rain. and even if you were unnerved, you were sure that it had nothing to do with today’s gloomy mood.

yesterday’s events served as nothing but a reminder that miya atsumu has a strict influence in your behavior. you’re lucky enough that his classroom is a whole building away from yours, and your extracurriculars hinder you from bumping into him, so you’re fine when you’re at school.

but on early mornings? you can’t function. you see him everyday; on weekdays, as early as 5 in the morning, and on weekends, it’s 6. you have no way out. you tried changing your route to avoid him, but it was no use. there’s always an intersecting point between his house and yours.

so, if you want your old life back (which in this case, you terrible do) this whole crushing on him thing had to be settled. you’ve got to talk to him.

that was the goal imprinted in your head as you locked your front door and embraced the cold, misty morning.

the streets were as quiet as ever. only the sound of the wind against trees accompanied your lone jog because of the absence of everyone else, and the outer soles of your shoes pounding against the asphalt was enough to be heard from two blocks away. you guessed that it might be because of the lower temperature. people must have slept in.

you would have done the same if not for your main objective for today, but as the clock hits 30 past the hour of 5, you realize that maybe it was all for nothing. there’s no sign of miya atsumu. not even a strand of his hair or shadow could be seen.

and just as you thought that things wouldn’t get any worse, tiny droplets of rain fell from the sky. it slowly came as a gentle shower, so you weren’t bothered at all. however, when it started to get heavier and stronger, you quickened your pace and tugged your hood on. there’s no place you could take shelter from, seeing that the subdivision was full of suburban houses.

your house was 7 blocks away. you opted to run home and just take a quick shower after, but before you could even make such a decision, the rain poured. it was relentless and heavy, especially when it’s paired with the strong whirling winds. you’re not sure if you misheard the morning report— but this was not how you expected your day to occur.

so, you ran. not to your house, no. that was too far. you ran to the onigiri place that atsumu seemed to get his usual bag from. it was two blocks away.

the moment you finally found the perfect place to shield yourself from the rain, your hoodie was already wet. even your bra was wet. on top of that, it was freezing cold. just your luck, the onigiri shop was closed, but the store’s canopy roof served its purpose. you were going to stay here until the rain stops, considering that you don’t have any choices at all.

there’s no one outside but you. it’s a little overwhelming, more so because of the sudden rain downfall. there’s no one to talk to or at least acknowledge. the house adjacent to where you were standing had its bedroom lights on, but god forbid you bothering anyone who’s comfortable in their own homes. to think of it, this was mostly your fault.

you can’t believe that amidst all this trouble, miya atsumu never came.

a sigh withdraws from your system. the only source of heat you have was mostly gone. your clammy hands were pale and wrinkled, so it’s either the rain dies down or you. it was only a matter of time until you find out.

“ghost...?” you hear someone’s voice.

when you turn to look at them, you’re shocked to see who it was. it seems like your prayers have been answered, because who stands before you is none other than miya atsumu. he’s wearing a gray jacket and a black cap, while holding an umbrella. his other hand was tucked inside his jogging pants.

you’re not sure if he notices, but your face lights up at the sight of him. when he realizes that you’re not a ghost (as he speculated earlier), his attention turns towards the closed shop. he must’ve came just to buy his favorite food. or at least you think it’s his favorite.

“maybe they’ll open up later.“ you pipe up.

“will they?”

you shrug. he stands there in the middle of the rain, contemplating what he should do. you expected him to turn his back and walk away, but he does the opposite. he steps under the canopy and stands next to you.

it was cold. freezing. your clothes were wet and your hands were shivering. atsumu seems like he didn’t notice just how cold you are earlier, but the moment he does, he took off his jacket without a word. you don’t even try to stop him, not when the warmth that enveloped you was heavenly.

that left him in his purple shirt. he was wordless the whole time, and the only interaction between the two of you was when you talked about the shop and when he gave you his jacket. aside from that, silence ensued for about 30 more minutes.

him opening his umbrella disrupted your train of thoughts. he steps back into the street and turns to face you, “i don’t think they’ll open today.”

you nod, but he only stared at you blankly. realizing that he’s about to leave, you quickly took off his jacket but he stops you.

“what are you doing?”

“giving back your jacket.”

“let’s go, i’ll walk you.” he nudges to the street. the rain did not show any signs of stopping soon. “you don’t have an umbrella, right?”

and so, true to his words, he walks you home. the umbrella was too small for the both of you, especially with his huge build, but his warmth was nice. at least you weren’t freezing to death.

“this is me.” you tell him once you’ve reached your front gate. “thank you. for everything.” was your breathless addition.

he only nods as his response, then turned to walk away. not until you stop him.

“uh, atsumu-san!” you called, a little louder than how you imagined to say it but you didn’t want the rain to drown out your voice. he whirls to face you, a confused look plastered on his face as if asking me?

who else would it be? there’s no other atsumu around. you could have remarked sarcastically, but your body didn’t allow you to.

still, as he faces you, it was now or never. there was no use in doubletaking your thoughts because you’ve got nothing to lose. the best case scenario is to have him reject you so that you can peacefully move forward, and if that’s the ideal plan, what could go wrong?

“i like you.“ you whisper.

“louder, please.”

when your doubts were left unanswered, you finally let your impulsiveness string you along.

“i like you.” you didn’t yell because you thought it was embarrasing, but your words certainly didn’t fall upon deaf ears. in fact, it seemed as if the rain went quiet just so atsumu could hear what you had to say.

there was no change in his expression, and even if there was, it’s not as if you can decipher them easily.

“okay.” he nods. what does he mean by that?

before you could ask, a miniscule smirk appears on his lips. “then kiss me.”

“what?”

“did i hear you wrong? you said you like me.”

a frown etched itself onto your features. was he kidding? did he think you were kidding?

you have never kissed anyone, and you certainly did not think that you’d ever be placed in a situation like this. that you’d be kissing atsumu miya — that he would nonchalantly demand you to kiss him. he’s definitely out of his mind.

“you’re joking, right?” you question, watching him slowly walk back to you you.

“sorry, ’m not.”

his dark eyes stared into your vibrant e/c eyes, and you could swear there’s something different in it. he tucks a stray hair of yours behind your ear and leans in. was he going to...?

“w-what—”

but he doesn’t. instead, he leans in to whisper: “you confessed to the wrong twin, miss.”

notes. so sorry for the inactivity 😿 this was written last year & i just thought i’d post it today! this might have a part 2 but i’m not exactly sure how that would go so let me know ur thoughts! <3 for #bllk i’m working on 2 nagi fics (1 enemies to lovers, 1 flower shop au kinda), 1 itoshi sae (enemies to lovers AGAIN) & the part 2 for chigiri’s fic! 🫶🏻 thanks for all the patience & support!

ִ ࣪𖤐 masterlist ! • ִ ࣪𖤐 next !

#kae’s 💭#kae’s writing . . .#haikyu x reader #haikyuu #haikyu imagines #osamu miya #atsumu miya #miya twins #osamu miya x reader #osamu miya imagines #osamu miya fic #osamu miya reader insert #osamu miya scenarios #haikyu reader insert #hq #haikyu scenarios #osamu miya x you #haikyu x you

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