#im so fucking lonely sometimes and i see everyone else being able to do things and have fun and enjoy themselves. without me

[the-kipsabian]

im gonna complain sorry i need to get this out of my brain since ive been thinking about it recently. leaving it in the tags so you can ignore it or whatever

#i just. feel like im missing out on everything recently #everyone else is having fun with each other and their friends and im just. here for no reason #timezones fuck me over so intensely on like a daily basis and its so fucking sad like #the society is demanding me to be a responsible human being which means sleeping - and while i do that everyone else has fun #yall get to watch things together. yall get to chat about things together. yall get to do shit in real time #like im not blaming anyone for having fun good for you im glad youre enjoying yourselves and everything!! #but also i just. feel left out. and its very stupid but im stupid and so is having to sleep and i never get to do anything fun cause of it #i never get to watch stuff live. i never get to participate in anything. and when i maybe do its an anxiety situation so i have to pass #i think thats why wrestling is rn a very sore spot for me. i havent really watched anything in a while cause i feel so left out #like im always behind. and i know it shouldnt matter but when i see everyone interacting with live blogs and such and i know i cant do that #and theres no point doing that afterwards #and the only things i can reasonably live blog are things that nobody else watches or cares about and im just #mostly anyways i only put my time and effort into something that only i care about #and im not gonna lie it kinda hurts. like ofc i cant ask anyone else to care but i just feel so fucking lonely sometimes #sorry im just. not in a good spot. honestly i probably never will be cause none of this is going to change cause i cant change it #and i cant and wont ask anyone to change it cause thats not good or fair or anything to anyone #i shouldnt even post this this is so stupid and im such a stupid little baby but im just... #im so fucking lonely sometimes and i see everyone else being able to do things and have fun and enjoy themselves. without me #im so lonely and im so jealous and it just fucking sucks okay #im gonna go now. im sorry #night is an absolute mess on main

[kyskaisen]

1,000 Miles Away - Maki Zenin x Fem! Reader

a/n: hehe FINALLY decided to make a real post instead of those random ass thoughts that come up in my head💀

also this is based off the song i cant handle change by roar and drowning by vague003 (i think thats how u spell it lol)

because my best friend left me a few weeks ago and i've been rlly struggling a lot bcs of it and yeah🥲🥲🥲

anyways😍😍😍

a maki post bcs im literally in love with her<333

warning: some cursing idk depends on how this goes :/, maki may or may not be ooc here

synopsis: you and Maki were always best friends, since the very beginning. you two've been through thicc and thin together for 17 long years. what happens when all of that goes away so suddenly?

.

It was horrible. The text just sent to you left you in pieces. Billions of little pieces that nobody was able to pick up.

Not even Maki.

For the longest time, you and her have been the best of friends. Inseparable, even. It'd been on one sunny day in your Pre-K class when you'd been sitting on the swings by yourself when a girl with beautiful green hair and bangs came up to you with a simple,

"Hello" A girl said; holding her hands nervously. You looked up from the ground and up at her.

"Hi" You responded quietly. A couple more seconds of silence goes by, and neither of you say a word.

"...I'm Maki" The girl introduced herself. You blinked back in response.

"I'm Y/n. It's very nice to meet you, Maki" You finally said, cheerfully. Maki smiled back and got on the swing next to you.

"Do you wanna be friends?" You asked, turning your head next to her. A wide smile grew on her face and she nodded.

And that was how it started.

From the first meeting, to the last goodbye, and everything in between those 17 years all went by in the blink of an eye. And it hurt you.

It hurt you so bad to see her hanging out with someone else, looking at them the same way she'd been looking at you just some days ago. Full of joy and happiness.

Seeing her be happy with another person made your heart ache and shatter into a million little pieces. You hated yourself.

You hated yourself.

You hated yourself.

You hated yourself.

You'd been hating yourself for so long that you were afraid you'd never go back to being your old, cheery self. It killed you to see Maki laughing her ass off, hanging out together outside of school, doing all the other things you two did.

With someone else.

You hated yourself for making her leave you. You hated yourself for her not loving you anymore. You hated yourself for those mistakes you made in the past and you swore that if you could take all of that back, you could.

You hated yourself for being the way you are: Just an asshole who's been given the unfortunate ability to make everyone they love hate them.

You wanted to apologize to her in person, to make her see what the fuck she did to you. To see how fucked up you've gotten. To watch the look on her face when you break down crying right in front of her own eyes just so she could see the pain she fucking put you through.

You wanted to see her again. Not from afar, but up close. Shame washed over you when you would sometimes scroll by her contact, and notice that it's been 1..2...6 weeks since you've last spoken.

That time frame doesn't seem like a lot, but the lonely feeling that haunted you made it feel like 1,000 years; still being 1,000 miles away from Maki.

You wanted to take it back. You wanted to take back all your mistakes, but life has horribly shown you that there's no way of doing that.

You wanted it back. You wanted your old life back: You and Maki annoying each other, texting and facetiming till 3 am, sending each other stupid pictures y'all found on Pinterest, all of it.

You longed for it back. And no matter how much you pleaded to the Gods above you, they always turned a deaf ear to your cries.

Those 6 weeks turned into 6 months without Maki. Even though she never moved away, still went to the same school, you still saw her in the hallways,

She still felt 1,000 miles away.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a/n: bruh i think i went a little too far since i basically made this a vent post now🥲🥲🥲

yeah i added the 'still see her around' part cuz i wanted to at least let yall get a glance at her beautiful face<33 (irl i didnt get to see my ex best friend after we graduated middle school, and we go to a diff highschool now so the fact i'll never be able to see her again kills me inside cuz i'll never know how shes doing. though i did put the 'see her around' part cuz i drew experience from a recent ex gf where she had my friend text me saying 'hey ___'s breaking up with u bcs she thinks ur an annoying bitch and u make her uncomfortable' and then that ex never talked to me again :/ im sorry I talked too much lmaoo)

anyways i hoped u guys enjoyed !! if not thats fine too lmaoooo

have a good day/night and stay safe!!

wc: 656

#maki x reader #maki zenin x reader #jjk angst #jjk x y/n #jujutsu kaisen #Youtube #Spotify

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

[roboromantic]

5 6 7 am thoughts

why do I keep seeing posts on this website insist that evangelicals try to convert prople just to have a larger "number of souls savef" count than others. like maybe that's a thing in some groups but like................I've never heard of any kind of reward for converting more people or anything.

also I gotta say it's a tad frustrating seeing people talk about how Mormonism is a cult and these kids are brainwashed into believing the world's against them etc. and being sympathetic and sharing resources on how to leave, but posts on evangelicals just paint them as cartoonishly evil. sometimes I'll see something that says it's a cult but there's never anything on how to leave (though admitedly it's gonna generally be less legally complicated than it is for mormons) or talk about how evangelicals are also made to believe that the world is against them or how evangelicals try to convert you because they truely believe it would save you from eternal torture.

like now that I'm out I see how infuriating it is to be proselytized to, but growing up in it? I was a super lonely kid who tried to make people more christian according to CoC values bc I was terrified of losing the few friends I had. also there was literal animal abuse involved where we were told we were bad people if we were more likely to rush to help the goldfish they fucking threw on the pavement than to try and save people from hell

like. when you're fundamentalist there's really no room to respect other people's beliefs, because respecting their beliefs (and boundaries) would mean condemning them to eternal torture

so again I get why people hate it and I definitely understand now how it's used to eradicate cultures etc. but I find it hard to hate the individual who from their perspective is just trying to help me

ironically though the insistence on isolating me and saying that anyone who isn't CoC was probably one of the biggest reasons I ended up leaving. how could heaven be this perfect place if my friends weren't there

there was this post in r/judaism linking to an article talking abt svara's upcoming teshuvot for lgbt halacha and it's something I've been keeping an eye on for a while for obvious reasons, but while I don't want to make any judgements until the whole thing is actually released, I will say from the phrasing in the article it sounds like they're approaching it from a different angle than I would. like it seems to be "how can I affirm my gender in a Jewish way" and while I can 100000% understand that, I'm more interested in "what are the issues that arise when someone is (in my case) halachically female but looks male and is it possible to resolve these issues in a way that's respectful to everyone and if so, how?"

like. there was another post by a trans man wanting to figure out how to respectfully interact w/Chabad and someone else (I think) brought up this same idea of one's halachic gender vs I think they called it sociological gender and it was kinda weird to me seeing so many people talk about how that's not a thing, can never be a thing, halachic gender is the only important factor, etc. bc like. I highly doubt anyone would say my halachic gender is all that matters if my bearded, flat-chested, (sorta) deep-voiced ass went to sit on the women's side of a mechitza. hell, I KNOW that'd cause a problem, I've seen it happen.

like personally I'd be fine with a trichitza, I ain't trying to sit with men (though again I can understand why being able to sit with one's gender can be affirming for binary cis people) and I don't particularly want to sit with women either even if marit ayin wasn't an issue.

where was i going with this. idk it's like 2 hours after i started writing this and im tired and still don't have adhd meds, this was never gonna be coherent im gonna try to go back to sleep

#religious stuff

[tobioslune]

liquid courage

Paring: Iwaizumi Hajime x gn!reader

Genre : fluff, comfort? college au kinda, best friends to lovers, mutual pining, Iwaizumi being soft and a simp

Warnings? : implied drinking, (aged up), cursing (from the lyrics), a little smooch 

a/n: This is a draft i started in january but things happened that made me leave it for about like four months lol (if u wanna know what happened while i was writing this you can read it here lol also you could see how i wrote / continued writing it here ) but! im finally finished and im pretty proud of it even though its lowkey all over the place :>> please do check out the song bc it slaps and it’s really good lol okay that’s all for now hope you enjoy <3 (last notee: likes and reblogs are really appreciated!!)

▶ now playing : drunk - dijon 

You and Iwaizumi have been close friends since highschool, and feelings may have been caught during that time. With the reason of not wanting to ruin the relationship you’ve built with him, you tried to brush it off. And like every other trope where you fall for your best friend you expected that he wouldn’t feel the same way.

Surprisingly both of you ended up going to the same university, and you were able to hang out and keep in touch with each other. Everytime you think you’ve set those feelings aside, whenever some romantic tension presents itself, it bubbles up inside all over again. Like an annoying weed that keeps coming back no matter how hard you try to get rid of it. 

School and other work has been pressing on you for the past few months and you just keep getting into a slump. No matter how hard you try, you find yourself in the same place you were over and over again. Iwaizumi noticed this and really tried his best to help but he’s also caught up with a ton of things. 

O baby, I’m lonely and I’m fucked up by myself

 Could uu come here?!  

It was 1am on a Saturday and Mattsun called you. You were working on an essay and it was super unexpected. It was able to shake you from the somewhat trance you were in while trying to think.

“Hey y/n-san I’m so sorry to call you at such a late time and most probably not so nice notice, but is it okay if you pick-up Hajime here at our usual place? Hanamaki and the others have already left and theres a paper I need to take care of, and you’re the only one I could think of.”

“Oh, it’s okay. Did Hajime drink too much like last time?” You think to yourself, ‘How stubborn, I’ve told him last time to be mindful of how much he takes because of his low tolerance’  You found the thought quite amusing.

“He sure has. When will you be able to get here by the way?” Mattsun replies.

“Give me about 15 minutes, it’s not so far from where I live anyways. Can you keep him company for a little while longer?” you tell him. This would be able to get your mind off the stress and exhaustion you’re in hopefully for a little while. Besides you haven’t met him in person for about month so it would be nice to see him again.

“Yeahh I can do that. Thanks again by the way y/n.”

“Suree, anytime. Okay see you in a bit, bye”

“Bye.”

The train stations are already closed at this time, and it would be too much of a hassle to take a cab to and from where he lives so it probably would be best that he crash at your place instead.

You straighten a few things up in your apartment and proceed to grab a jacket, your keys, wallet and your phone, placing it into a small purse. As you closed the door you could already feel a rush of cold air surrounding you.

The walk there was quite refreshing and you felt much better than you did earlier. As you arrived there you could see Mattsun waiting in front. You smiled as you walked toward him. It took him a couple seconds to recognize you as you came into view. 

“Heyy, hope I didn’t take too long” you said as you greeted him with a hug. 

“No, it’s all good you actually arrived faster than I expected”, Mattsun replies returning your smile. 

“He’s inside by the way.” gesturing with the back of his thumb.

“Okay, I’ll go take care of it from here” 

“Thanks again, apologies if it interrupted anything important.” 

“Like I said, it's alright! I got it.” you assure him.

You both bid your goodbyes and you make your way inside the homey bar. There he was, head resting on his right hand and glass of water in the other. You figured he sobered up at least a little bit. 

You let out an amused sigh, “Oh Haj, I’ve told you a couple of times last time to watch it, right?” You took a seat in front of him, leaning your head on your hand. He laughed a little at the statement made. “Sorry y/n, got a bit caught up and forgot.” 

Letting out a low hum you respond, “Anyways, ready to go?” 

“Yeah just give me a moment.” His head was still pounding from the drinks.

I’M WASTING and I’m anxious; I’m fading from myself… 

You placed his arm around your shoulder in an attempt to keep him upright and stable as you walk. Compared to him he was obviously heavier making it difficult for you to even make it to the door, you were basically stumbling out, but somehow you were able to manage and he was at least trying to cooperate even when everything was practically hazy for him in that moment.

---------- 

You fell for him, and little did you know he did too. You’ve known Hajime as reserved, reliable, firm, caring and surprisingly stubborn at times. He knew that if he told his friends and teammates they would tease him and make it more obvious that's why he kept it in a never said a word. 

He liked you, he liked you so much, but sometimes you just seemed so out of reach to him. Loved by almost everyone, you were beautiful, charming and just overall amazing to him. There were times where he really tried to deny his feelings, his emotions, toward you but whenever another guy would be around you he just can’t help but want you all to himself.

--------

As school progressed your schedule became more hectic and your assignments started to pile up. It felt like an endless mess and an inevitable disaster. He saw how stressed you were but he felt a bit helpless because he didn't know what to do. He couldn’t really help you because of your different courses and besides he wouldn’t even know what to do. As time went on your hangouts became lesser and lesser and sometimes you'd even be too busy or even too tired to chat with him. You would try making plans but your group mates would suddenly set up meetings or deadlines would abruptly be sent and given. 

Although he has tried reaching out, because of how busy you were he was left alone with his thoughts and feelings and he tried to make sense of how he really felt. He wanted to avoid thinking of you but that became difficult for him when almost everything reminded him of you…

“They would have liked this..”, “I should probably ask if they ate.”,  “This would be such a nice gift for y/n.”,  “I wonder what they would think of this.”, it just felt like never ending thoughts of you.

---------

When Matsukawa and the rest of the old team from Seijoh offered him to hang out and catch up he couldn't say no. By going he would be able to hang out with them and it would hopefully be a distraction to help get you off his mind. He knew you were busy and in his head he thought that maybe you didn't like him the say he does. You ran circles around his mind and at time he’s just feel so conflicted and confused.

In the end he got wasted, he felt faded, and just wanted to feel ok. He accidentally ended up telling the boys out of frustration that he had feelings for someone which left him with mixed emotions at times. They found this quite surprising because who would get him so hung up and drunk like that.

COULD U COME HERE?! And say u’ll stay the night 

Although you reminded him last time you went drinking to watch his intake you were still shocked that he was so drunk he could barely think straight. The cold air and silence filled the walk and everything in some way felt alright. You felt at peace and his presence made everything feel comfortable even if you were practically carrying him.

He sighs, “Hey I'm sorry I dragged you into this mess I accidentally let myself go back there again.” 

“It's ok, I mean that's bound to happen to everyone at some point I've got you  don't worry it's fine.” you respond.

“Where are we going, by the way?” He asks.

“I'm taking you back to my place, I mean if you don't mind. The subways are closed and the taxis are hard to come by at this time.” 

“Oh ok, it's fine, I mean I have nowhere else to go to anyways and I don't really mind,”  He says with a flustered laugh.

As you keep walking you pass by a convenience store you both frequently used to hang out at when your schedules weren't so busy.

“Hey Haj, we should stop there for a while just so you could sober up a little more. Also I’m a bit hungry anyway,”  you suggest.

“Yeah good idea, besides you must be kind of tired trying to carry me around for this long.”

You both make your way to the convenience store and you tell him to sit outside while you buy something for the both of you.

 Cause it’s been a while, since I've seen u smiling! O baby, could u come down? I think I’m freaking out! And I’m drunk! 

You step inside and the warmth of the shop embraces you. You then proceed to get some meat buns, and two coffees. As you go to pay you take a glimpse outside to check up on Iwaizumi and to your surprise he was already looking at you. You quickly turn away and you feel a small blush attempting to creep up on your face, but you shake the thought away as you make it to the counter.

You finish paying and walk over to where Iwaizumi is sitting and you place the food down on the table. Handing over a meat bun and a coffee to him, you sit down and sigh in satisfaction as you bite into yours. Somewhat comfortable silence fills the space and you absentmindedly process everything that happened.

“So, how was the hang out with the guys? I haven't seen them in so long. You sure must’ve had fun...” You say in the hopes of making things a little less awkward and quiet.

“Oh yeah it was great.” He replies with his mouth still with food, you laugh and he continues after he finally swallows what he was eating.

“Yeah it was really fun, we got to catch up on a lot and they're doing pretty great I must say. You should come next time, I mean when you're not busy. I miss our hangouts, you know...” 

“Is this not a hangout?” You humorously ask.

“I mean, it is but I'm saying we should hang out more when you're not busy and when I'm not drunk.”  He says with a laugh.

“Yeah we totally should.“ You say with a smile.

“So anyways, how's life?” 

“Well I mean I'm doing ok, but overall just really stressed. Work and papers have been piling up and my head has been pounding for like weeks or maybe even just days you know, but I guess I'm doing fine.” Giving a small laugh to lighten the statement.

“Yeah the workloads really suck right now, they're crazy. But I'm here for you if you need anything even if I don’t really understand a thing from your subjects.”

“Yeah, I know.” You say giving him a reassuring grin.

You both take a brief pause when he suddenly brings up an old inside joke you both had when you were younger. You spend about an hour reliving memories, throwing around jokes, teasing each other and laughing a lot.

Sighing into a smile he says, “I really miss this. It's been a while since I've seen you smile like that.” 

“Yeah I missed our hangouts like these, this feels so great and nostalgic in a way.”

And I don’t think I can beat it, I’m paralyzed, I’m terrified of being alone!

You both clean up and start to continue your walk back to your place. All the stress you’ve been feeling earlier feels as if it has left and you feel relieved. As you both near your apartment complex, Iwaizumi stops making you turn back.

“Hey, you okay?” You ask.

“Yeah I’m good.” You then proceed to turn around, but he suddenly continues.

“Listen I need to tell you something, and I need you to promise me that we’re still going to be ok even as friends afterwards.” He says with a slight seriousness on his face

“Yeah, you can tell me anything I promise I'll still stay. I mean unless you're a criminal and you're gonna kill me.” You joke. Moving closer to him you prepare yourself a bit for whatever he would say.  “So what's up?”

He takes a breath, “I like you y/n -san.... and I'm really sorry if you don’t like me after this or if this makes anything awkward or if I made you uncomfortable in any way. I've liked you since high school and I was too scared to say anything because I thought you liked another guy--”

“--I swear even when we were younger there was something about you that just made everyone like you. You were so nice, friendly to everyone, helpful, beautiful, and so much more. You’re captivating to me… and I’m trying to use whatever’s left of this liquid courage to get this off my chest and I think I’m ready for whatever might come next.” 

Your mouth parts slightly from shock because of what he said but it slowly, turns into a huge grin.   

“Hajime, I don't know what to say…” you cut him off before he could say anything, 

“Because I like you too, and I have for such a long time.”

He lifts up his head with hope and a slight disbelief in his eyes, “You do..? You did..?!’’

“Yes..” you say with a small chuckle and a smile plastered across your face. You walk even closer until you're both mere inches away from each other. You take a relieved sigh and make eye contact with him. You wrap your arms around his neck and draw him in for a hug. He places his arms delicately around your waist hugging you back.

He slowly pulls away and cups your face ever so tenderly, pulling you in so that your lips are merely ghosting the others; and he gently kisses you. You felt as if that you were floating on clouds. His lips were so soft and warm it felt so surreal.

You both pull away and he says with a smile, “I've waited and wanted for so long to do that.”

You couldn't believe that everything that happened, actually happened. It felt like a scenario that you would only be able to play in your head. But it was all real and it was all happening. It felt like a dream, and if this were a scene in some cute drama there would have been hearts floating around your head right now, you felt lovestruck.

 Cause it’s been a while, since i’ve thought about the good things, all the bright light things all the good times that we had! It’s been a while, since I made u smile! 

You finally reach your apartment hand-in-hand, sitting down on the couch as soon as you enter. The night was filled with more conversations, laughter and just overall good times. Homework forgotten and disregarded, you let yourself go and have fun. Surprisingly everything felt like it just fell into place. 

You looked at him and maybe it was the alcohol but he was pretty sure he saw stars in your eyes. 

“I can't believe after all this time you're finally and actually mine.” you say.

Whatever magic or fate intertwined and lined you up to this exact moment you just knew that you were forever grateful.

#iwazumi hajime #iwaizumi #iwaizumi x reader #iwaizumi x you #iwaizumi imagine #iwaizumi x y/n #haikyuu fanfic #haikyuu!! #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu fanfiction #haikyuu fluff #haikyu #haikyuu #haikyuu oneshot #iwaizumi oneshot #hq iwaizumi #haikyuu iwaizumi #iwaizumi drabble #aoba josai x reader #aoba johsai #aoba josai headcanons #aoba jōsai

[jackie5656]

Always Here With;Diego Hargreeves

A/n: Aha, ha ha. Heyyyy so I maybe sort of had a huge wave of anxiety tonight and wasn’t doing too great. So, in a desperate effort to relieve some of what I was feeling I wrote all of this in one go. It really helped, and I hope it might help you. I’m being pretty vulnerable here but what the hell. Anyways, enjoy.

TW: anxiety/ mild anxiety attack/ all that scary stuff so pls don’t read if that makes you uncomfortable!

It’s too damn quiet, the dark sleepy room is without a sound. It’s killing you, because as you head rests on the cool pillow below you all you can hear is your heart pumping, pushing blood all throughout you and into your skull. Usually, the stillness of it all would soothe you. Not tonight though. Tonight your mind can’t seem to stop racing, mulling over moments in your life that you figure anyone else would have forgotten by now. It’s harder to breathe, your damn lungs simply can’t collect enough oxygen between breaths. Sometimes, you wonder if the good moments in life are worth still being around for when, all too often, anxiety slithers it’s way throughout your brain and worms into your body. Every limb, every loose hair, tingles with each beat of your heart and god damn it if it doesn’t stop you’re convinced you’ll yell out one desperate shriek that begs this feeling away.

The steady breathing accompanied with a careful shift beside you aids in the realization that you aren’t alone in this god-forsaken state. Diego sleeps soundly beside you, and you try to push down the raging envy you feel for someone being able to doze off in blissfull peace. Why can’t you drift off like everyone else, why can’t you be normal? The moisture welling in your eyes makes the panic increase, fuck you’re so sensitive. Chewing on the corner of your thumb by default, the thoughts are pushed to the side when he stirs. You lay back down as he wakes, hoping he’ll doze back off and he’s not burdened by your current state. The silence continues, the stillness of the once familiar, comforting room haunts you as you anticipate the continuation of his steady breathing.

“What’s wrong?” The soft words fizzle out into the air, and you’re not totally convinced he’s actually spoken until he turns on his side to look at you. Fuck.

“Hmm? Nothing, I jus-just cant sleep.” You might have been convincing if it weren’t for the pathetically shaky tone or the crack in your voice as you reply.

“You’re shivering, and you’ve been awake for the past 15 minutes.” Damn him and his light-sleeper ass. Oh, you really were shaking. How long has he been awake? Immediately, guilt consumes you and the dread of worrying him becomes suffocating. You’re a burden.

“Y/n.” The three rasp in his voice snaps you out of it once more. Sitting up and shifting uncomfortably, you wrack your brain for a reply that will convince him to leave you alone.

“I jus-I won’t stop thinking. It doesn’t stop Di, it never stops!” In an award winning attempt to reassure him, a hiccup escapes your body and you’re overcome with sobs as the emotion forces itself out of you.

Diego’s shooting up in a flash, shocked at your sudden outburst but immediately grabbing onto your hips in a panicked effort to ground you. Bring you back to him, shield you from every thought or worry that fills your mind so you’re safe. He has to protect you.

“H-hey, hey. Please don’t cry baby, I’m here. I p-promise.” Fuck, if all the times he’s internally begged to speak freely, he could really use it right about now. But the shock of your sudden outburst has imploded his nervous system. With a quick shake of his head, he relaxes himself in order to communicate. He needs to be calm. He needs to level with you.

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. Please just go back to bed Diego. I didn’t mean to wake you.” Your quiet pleas shatter his heart into pieces. And he wishes more than anything you two could trade places.

“I’m not going anywhere. You can talk to me. Please baby, just talk to me.” He doesn’t know what he should do with his arms, debating whether or not you’ll feel overwhelmed by physical touch in your state. Your sniffle and shaken intake of breathe interuppts his thoughts.

“Im just so tired. So, so tired. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t think I can take it. I w-want everything to stop, it’s all moving so fast and I can’t fucking catch up! I’m tread-treading water Diego and I don’t know how long I can last.”

His eyes widen at your words, and he’s relieved you’re not facing him so you won’t be able to read his expression. Why hadn’t he known you were feeling this way? Had he pushed aside your body language, your attitude lately? Why didn’t he see you were in so much pain? All this time he was always alert for anything that could cause you physical harm. He’s seen enough shit to know this world is way too brutal for someone as good as you. But, despite protecting you from things on the outside, you were really being attacked from the inside. His stomach churns at the thought, and his arms wrap around you and pull you into his lap.

Your sobs falter at the embrace, and his tight hold on you brings a piece of you back to Earth. His warmth, his scent, envelopes your senses and weakens the the sobs escaping you.

Diego’s never been too good with words. And he so wishes he was able to communicate all the reassurances that are racing through his mind. Hopefully, his actions will successfully communicate all he’s trying to say.

“Is this okay?” You nod at his words, pushing your face further into his neck in an attempt to drown out the noise ricocheting through your mind.

“G-good. This is good.” You mutter, feeling soothed when you realize he’s slowly rocking you.

“Can you do me a favor and tell me one thing you see in the room?” He’s hesitant to ask, trying to remeber what his mom used to say when he’d become overwhelmed with his stutter.

“The-the photo of us on the b-bedside table.”

“Good, that’s good baby. That was your birthday last year. You looked so pretty in that dress, I’m pretty sure Klaus and Allison begged you to wear it.” Diego recalls, heart warming at the small giggle you let out through the sniffles and shaky breaths.

“How about one thing you smell?”

“Your body wash. It smells like...like cinnamon and a little bit of vanilla.” He smiles at your words, heart filling with adoration and pride for you. You’re doing so good for him.

“Okay, you’re doing awesome. Can you tell me one thing you feel?”

“Your heart beating...and your skin. You, I feel y-you.”

You’re relaxed now, and you shuffle impossibly closer to Diego as he hums softly. Blinking slowly, you notice how your eyelids start to droop as he continues softly swaying the both of you. Silence fills the room once more, but it’s warm. And it doesn’t feel so lonely or heinous as it did before.

“Thank you.” Your voice is so soft, and it sounds so little Diego longs to hold you forever. Not letting go so you never have to feel anything but peaceful. You deserve so much, he only wishes you’d realize you’re worth his entire world and then some.

“No need to thank me baby. I’m here, I’m always here.”

You’re filled with warmth, and you embrace the tranquility that finally consumes you. He’s here, and he’s not going anywhere.

#fanfic #imagines #fiction #wattpad #writing #tua s2 #tua netflix #diego hargreeves imagines #diego hargreeves #number two #umbrella acedmy #the umbrella academy #allison hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #tua ben #vanya hargreeves #umbrella academy imagine #Diego Hargreeves x reader

[peggyrose19]

Picture Frames and Ocean Waves

Heeheehee we’re back with some St. Tweedle angst, part 1. This is not related to the newest chapter, although there will be something coming at some point related to that, don’t you worry :) Anyway, here’s Saint looking back on the day Luke left for university.

song for this fic: Castaway - 5SOS (i did say ages ago it had rk vibes)

characters by @lumosinlove. tagging @im-oknutzy-trash and @wonder-womans-ex my st. tweedle partners in crime.

Saint stared unseeingly out at the ocean. The waves crashed and melted into each other, the same grey-blue as the sky. It was cold out, what passed for winter fast approaching as September came to a close, but Saint didn’t notice the chill in the air. Nor did he particularly care. Luke’s house loomed behind him, empty save for the housekeeper, busy somewhere in the heart of it. His mom was somewhere; Saint didn’t particularly care. He cared far more about where Luke was, hundreds of miles away at university. 

That last summer had crept up on them fast. Saint had always known he’d never be able to leave the island, at least not for long. And he’d always known Luke would never be able to stay. He had just never imagined it hurting quite so much.

“Hey, Tweedle,” Saint sang, pulling himself easily through Luke’s open window. He left it open a lot these days. 

Luke didn’t look up from his laptop sitting before him on his bed. “Hey.”

Saint peered over his shoulder. “What’re you working on?”

“Nothing,” he replied tersely. “‘M waiting.”

“For?” Saint prompted. It was like pulling teeth with him sometimes. 

“Decisions come out today. This is my first choice school.” He gestured to the screen, and Saint squinted at it. 

“Oh.” Saint felt something welling up in him, some foreign feeling that choked the air from his lungs and made his heart constrict painfully. He decidedly did not like it. 

“Yeah. Should be out in-” Luke glanced at the clock- “two minutes.” 

“So why are you looking now?”

Luke glanced away from the screen to glare at Saint, who just smirked at him. 

“I hate it when you make sense,” he grumbled. Saint grinned, and leaned down to press a quick kiss to Luke’s lips. 

“Bet I can distract you for the next, hmmm 90 seconds,” he murmured. Luke looked as though he wanted to protest, but Saint cocked an eyebrow, and he seemed to give in, tilting his chin up again to catch Saint’s lips once more. 

Saint had always loved kissing Luke. He was warm, comforting. Familiar. Even that first time, pushed against the wall in this very room, wrists pinned under Luke’s strong grip. Or the second time, being pelted with wind and rain in the middle of the ocean, torn apart by the storm too soon. They’d kissed many times since then, more than kissed, and yet it never got old for Saint, never lost the magic and comfort Luke brought. 

“Mmph, gotta check,” Luke muttered against his lips, pulling Saint from his thoughts. Saint rolled his eyes, Luke already turned away. He raised a hand to his lips, the taste of Luke still on his tongue. 

He watched lazily as Luke refreshed the page, logging in once more with a frustrated groan. But his fingers froze on the keyboard as it loaded and a letter popped up on the screen. 

“I got in,” he breathed. “I got in.” He turned to Saint with wild eyes, a smile alighting his face, and Saint didn’t know what to do with that.

He tried for a smile. “Well, of course you did Tweedle.” 

In the next moment, Saint found himself in Luke’s arms, falling awkwardly back against the mattress. Luke held him close, and as his body shook, Saint realized Luke was laughing.  

“Why are you laughing?” Saint asked, pulling back as best he could to see Luke’s face. His eyes held more joy than Saint had never seen in them. 

“Cause I fucking got in! I’m going to fucking university, Saint!” 

“It means you’re leaving.”

That was the thing, wasn’t it? Luke was always going to leave, the island, his family, Saint. For a while, Saint had had a chance at keeping him. With his father in prison, Saint knew there was no chance of him leaving. But then he was released. And then arrested once more. And Luke had given up. 

And Saint had lost his chance.

He wanted Luke back. He wanted him home and safe and in his arms, not off at some fucking university with strangers and a new city and not him. Of course, Saint would rather be caught dead than admit that. 

He’d said it anyway. And then Luke had left.

The sun had long since set when Luke said goodbye. Saint stood beside him on the beach, watching the calm waves lap at the shore. He held tightly to Luke’s hand. 

“I don’t want you to go,” Saint had whispered, words getting washed away by the breeze. But Luke heard him. He always did. 

“I know.”

Saint hugged wryly. “You’re still going though. Aren’t you?” 

“I have to, Saint. I can’t go back now, it’s too late. I leave in the morning.”

Saint squeezed his eyes shut, fighting down the fear and anger and pain that threatened to well up and spill out, refusing to show all the terrible weakness he always kept hidden. 

But Luke always seemed to know, as he reached out to cup Saint’s cheek, warm and comforting. Saint turned into his hand, but said nothing, refusing to look at him. He knew he’d only find pity and sorrow in those eyes, and that would only make him break. 

“Saint. Look at me.” Those nimble fingers lifted his chin until their eyes met. Saint immediately wanted to look away. “Don’t be mad at me. Please.”

“Why not?” 

“Because, Saint! Not all of us can just stay on this fucking island! I get that you have some twisted need to stay here, but I can't. Okay? I am not you. I have to get out. And this is my way.”

Saint stared at Luke with wide eyes. He rarely snapped. Last time had been almost a year ago, at James’ house, right before that cursed storm had hit. 

“Fine.” 

And he turned and walked away.

When Saint looked back on it, he wished he hadn't left. He wished he’d stayed, or turned around as Luke called after him. 

He wished a lot of things. 

With a sigh, he turned his back on the familiar sea and walked across the Deveaux’s perfectly manicured lawn towards the house. He crept around back, to the familiar window always lit with golden light. Luke had left it open. 

Saint eased the window open and climbed inside, flipping on the lamp on Luke’s bedside table. The room filled with light, reminding Saint of late summer nights spent lying on Luke’s bed together, sometimes reading, sometimes kissing. 

With a sigh, he turned to Luke’s desk, and the scant few items left there. A lamp, a few pens and pencils, various knick-knacks, a few books, some photos. Saint’s gaze stopped on them. The top one was a picture Luke had taken back in February. It was of him, flipping off the camera with a smirk. 

He remembered that day. The two of them had fallen asleep on the beach that night, woken at dawn by the sunlight. Saint had sand in his hair, blown to the side by the wind. Luke had smiled at him for a long moment, sun lighting up his eyes, before pulling out his nearly-dead phone and snapping a picture. But not before Saint flipped him off. 

He hadn’t known Luke printed it out, wasn’t actually sure how he’d done it. There were others, of the beach, of the lacrosse fields, even one of the two of them together. He didn’t know why he’d left them there either. Or maybe he did. 

Saint felt… lonely, without Luke. He had no anchor anymore, left adrift at sea, abandoned. He couldn’t help but compare Luke to his mom, leaving him behind with barely a backward glance, never giving him a second thought. It hurt, in a way he hated himself for, hated his mom and Luke and everyone else for. Not that they’d truly done anything wrong. Or maybe they had. Saint didn’t know anymore. 

The morning Luke left, Saint waited for him at the docks. Boat was the only way off the island, with the airstrip long out of commission. Saint had watched Luke and his mom pull up, her car looking shiny and new as it always did. Luke had climbed out with barely a second glance, tugging his backpack and suitcase out of the trunk. Saint guessed one didn’t need much at university. 

Luke didn’t see him, but that was intentional. Saint didn’t want to be seen. The night before seemed so far away, so different from the morning. He didn’t know how they’d gotten here, avoiding each other, hating each other. Well. Pretending to hate each other. Saint could never truly hate him. 

With a sinking feeling in his chest, Saint watched Luke climb onto the boat and disappear below deck. He felt like a cliché movie character, waving their lover off to war or some shit, but he couldn’t bring himself to look away. Even with Luke out of sight, that pull stayed, long after the boat pulled away and became a small dot on the horizon. 

He had turned away angrily, pretending the tears in his eyes were from the wind or the pollen.

His heart had cracked, the day Luke left. A part of it sailing off to some other country, some other continent. These days Saint couldn’t quite decide if he wanted it back or not. He wanted Luke back, more than he truly cared to consider. But he had given Luke a part of himself knowing full well what it might mean, what it might lead to. And he’d done it anyway, choosing to trust him in what may just have been the stupidest move in his life. 

One day, he’d come back. As Saint sank into Luke’s desk chair, the picture in his hands, he could only hope that was true.

#hehe pain #angst #st. tweedle #luke x saint #memories #saint remembering luke leaving #you're going to be the death of me #castaway #lumosinlove #relic keel

[aegialia]

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

#gloomth and circumstance #this is definitely not required reading! #i just felt like rambling for a very long time about my feelings and my blog #w bonus blog trivia at the bottom that amuses me and probably no one else

[curiosity-killed]

Hi....If you don't mind me asking, who are your favorite MXTX characters (top 5 from each novel)? And why? I'm sorry if you've answered this question before.

Aw of course I don’t mind! Though I feel like my answer is going to be a disaster bc I love these casts so so much aha let’s see:

✨ SPOILERS AHEAD ✨

MDZS/CQL

1. Wei Wuxian

Ah so I feel like this is obvious based on the sheer quantity of things I produce and the effort I put into hurting him 😅 but yeah! I love how much of a classical tragic hero he is and I love how much love he has and how that gets twisted around and shaped into a collar of spikes around his own neck. I saw gif sets of wwx before I ever knew about CQL and my reaction was “fuck. I’m going to love him” and I do! And I love that he does learn from his past and I love most of all that he learns to accept the love he is given and is able to make a happy ending in a place of being loved and held in respect and appreciation

2. Wen Qing

On the other hand, I did not expect to be like “mine now” with Wen Qing. Don’t get me wrong, the sexy immortal look got me but it wasn’t really till I started writing fic that I was like ohhhhh Oh Boy. Wen Qing is brilliant and ruthless, fiercely loving and aloof and cold. I love that she gets the lose-lose challenge of balancing what is right for her family vs what is right in the world, what she owes to her sect and what she owes to individuals. The golden core transfer is my favorite dubious science experiment in p much all media I’ve consumed. She gets to be so human—prickly and tough and also achingly gentle and afraid and putting on a tough face and sometimes still crying. “I’m sorry and thank you” ! Im!!

3. Jiang Yanli

The first fic I wrote for this fandom was literally “Jiang Yanli died no she didn’t” lmao I do feel like I underserve Jiang Yanli in that I often fall prey to using her to further the complexity that the male characters are permitted while denying her the chance to be given the same space for development and breath — something to work on! But in that, I really genuinely love how tightly she binds herself to her family and how she tries so hard to be what others need her to be—and then she does make a choice for herself and for a single moment at least, she gets to be loved and to be happy and to have this, a husband and a son and a place, for herself. And terribly I love how much she permeates the story still after death. She is the unspoken voice, the face turned from the camera but always still present, carried in the hearts and names and memories of the ones left behind

She deserved better but—I am weak for the tragedy of it all

4. Jiang Cheng

Another surprise (tho hardly surprising in hindsight): Jiang Cheng is just...horribly understandable. He makes terrible choices and his greatest heroism is undone by a choice made for him or, in the case of “killing the Yiling Laozu” is a lie. He is such a youngest sibling who doesn’t want to be the youngest until all at once, he’s the one in charge and he doesn’t want it at all. He is full of anger and hurt and so much love he doesn’t know what to do with it, doesn’t want it anymore, has no place to put all of its terrible, overwhelming flood.

5. Lan Wangji

I almost didn’t put Lan Wangji or Jiang Cheng on here and then I realized that this is sort of a list of characters I’m pickiest about in fic and...yeah. I think what I love best about Lan Wangji is his journey of grief and healing and through that, his decision to step into world. Where Wei Wuxian’s decision to travel and be removed from the cultivation world (in varying degrees depending on your headcanon preference lol) is really, really important to me, Lan Wangji’s decision to go from being an isolated lone agent working apart from the systems of the world to being involved and invested in changing those systems and working to make them better is also really important to me. I’ve talked before about how relatable Lan Wangji is to me (esp with regards to our interaction with the outer world) and there is something deeply hopeful and comforting about post-timeskip Lan Wangji being in his like mid-/late-30s and still making decisions and growing and changing and choosing to invest himself in the world and the future

yeah. i have thoughts here that I don’t really have the maturity, life experience, or articulation to put into words but Lan Zhan Good basically

TGCF

1. Xie Lian

suuuurpriiiiise!! Yeah honestly mxtx’s mains in TGCF and MDZS really just hit all my buttons basically. What appeals to me most of all about Xie Lian is, fittingly, how he is humanity taken to extremes. His capacity for incredible kindness and compassion is equaled with his capacity for cruelness and ruthlessness. His heaven-shaking highs are matched with calamitous lows. He is the hyperbolic of what it is to be human—and he is also the small moments, the wildflowers and the maple leaves and the mundane chores and the comfort of whispered conversations late into the night. I could quite literally go on for pages about what I love about Xie Lian but I am not Hua Cheng and can restrain myself LMAO

2. Hua Cheng

of all the characters on these lists, Hua Cheng is the one I’m pickiest about tbh! When I say I love him for similar reasons as Xie Lian I don’t actually mean this as being similarities between the two but the fact that both of them so richly convey mxtx’s points about the nature of humanity and what it is to be human. Hua Cheng is both the boldest and most arrogant of all and also the most vulnerable, the one who shies away from the truth because he’s braced for it to hurt and isn’t sure he can take it. He is gory blood rain and an umbrella to shelter a fragile bloom; he is a blade whose wounds only heal if he permits it and he is a sacrifice that he brushes aside as a fit of madness. *pats his head* this boy can fit SO MUCH inside him that he refuses to acknowledge

3. Jun Wu

Definitely my favorite antagonist in recent reading. I was doubtful of him from the start (something something issues with authority something something probably should talk to my theoretical future therapist shhh) but the unfolding of his reveal was so delightfully painful and exquisite that I was like “YES!!!” reading all of it. About the epitome of a satisfying plot twist imo. But about the character himself, I love how he parallels so many — Xie Lian in his rise and fall, his glory and disgrace; Hua Cheng in his fixation and ruthlessness; He Xuan in losing himself to the plot and not knowing how to move forward. I love that he feels beyond human in a way the others don’t—he’s so old and has gone through so much and he doesn’t feel things the way humans do anymore, doesn’t remember right how love squeezes the heart or how hate can exist without acting on it. I love that he thinks he knows how to control everyone and that it’s such mundane things that fool him: Xie Lian’s absurd stubbornness, Hua Cheng’s foolish faith, Yin Yu’s...emotional maturity??? Not Sure how to verbalize that one. But in the end, he is defeated by both the humanity of others and by his own—he’s so tired. He’s exhausted in a way that gods and ghosts aren’t meant to be. He is, under the armor and the masks, the curses and the power, human—benevolent and cruel, evil and good.

4. He Xuan

I love my fish man! No but really I love how He Xuan is so fixed on his one goal that he refuses to acknowledge anything else in his (after)life—which doesn’t make it go away. I love that he is left unmoored, purposeless through the very act of completing that which gives him purpose. I love his long con and the ways he clings to himself but loses himself not in the act but in the telling himself it’s an act. I love that he tries to be a moral man and then becomes a ghost king, a calamity. His reveal is also terribly badass and I do love his bone fish wholly unironically. Like I’m not going to get a He Xuan tattoo (for one thing I’ve been meaning to get a tattoo for 5 years and still haven’t gotten around to it) but also. B o n e f i s h

5. Mu Qing

Of course! The Jiang Cheng of tgcf lol Mu Qing (which my phone desperately wants to autocorrect to my Qing) is so...gah he’s such a mess! And he so fully commits to the belief that no one will ever see and understand him as he is but will always view them through their own convictions about him and his actions — which is simultaneously heartbreakingly lonely and also. Sir You Are a Clown. I genuinely think he’s owed apologies from both Feng Xin and Xie Lian for their treatment and assumptions of him and think that he would be HORRIBLY offended at the thought (while secretly touched? But like secretly even to himself). He will never explain himself and will just clam up tighter the more people accuse him and it’s such a self-sabotaging behavior and also so horribly relatable. I love u sir, you’re a disaster

SVSS I have not read but I do really like the moshang art 😂

#long post #asked & answered #lol sorry this is so long and incoherent #the truth is that I really love these stories and their casts #and I think it’s v hard to extricate the characters from the cast #because they are so deftly and beautifully interwoven #but here are the characters I think are my favorites lol #loosely in order #tgcf spoilers #also this is why I prefer tgcf to mdzs tbh? #jgy is intellectually interesting to me and a good antagonist #but not personally compelling in the way jw is

[imaginationintowords]

Lost on You

Chapter 10

Peter Parker x Sister!Reader Steve Rogers x Reader Avenger x Reader; Hybrid Social Media AU

Series Masterlist

"Can we please talk?" Steve pleaded.

"Steve-"

"Please Y/n,"he begged, his voice cracking, "Five minutes and I'll be out of your hair, for good. I promise."

"Okay," I agree.

As he closes the door, I take a look at his appearance. He doesn't look so good, I mean physically he looks the same, because of the serum. But if you really knew Steve, like the way I do, you can tell he isn't. His eyes immediately give him a way, dark circles surrounding them. They don't look as bright as they used to.

I can't help but feel bad for him, it's a normal human reaction. Even though he hurt me, that doesn't mean all the love we had went away. It's still there, maybe it'll always be there, but whether or not I want to continue that love, I just don't know if I can.

Steve stays by the door, trying to give me some space.

"I know I've apologized countless of times, but I still just need to say how utterly sorry I am. I don't think I'll ever not be sorry for what I have done. I hurt you, when I have promised you countless of times that I would never. You expressed your fears of relationships, having been hurt in the past and I had promised I would never do that. Yet here I am, no better than them, because not only did I do it, I broke that promise and your trust. If I have to spend my whole life making it up to you, I will," he starts off.

"That won't be necessary," I interject, I give him a wave continue.

"I love you, Y/n. And what happened that night, should have never happened. I can't even give you a real answer as to why it happened, other than the fact that we weren't thinking.

No, let me rephrase that, I wasn't thinking. I don't know what came over me, because why would I do that? Not when I have you. Not when our relationship was at it's all time best. Why would I throw all of that away for cheap mindless sex," he pauses, noticing my wince at that.

I nod for him to continue.

"I've kept myself up the last two weeks questioning why did I do it. And I don't have an answer. I just don't. And that's not good enough. It isn't. Because if the shoe was on the other foot, which I know it never would have been, I wouldn't accept that answer as well. And you don't have to, accept it. Because it's cowardly," he clears the lump in his throat, trying to hold back.

"I so badly wish I can go back to two weeks and never do that again, but I can't and now we have to deal with the consequences of it all, and that's all on me," he breaks.

"I love you so much. And I fucking ruined that. I was going to ask you to marry me and I fucked that up," he cries out, falling to the floor, his hands on his face as he cries.

"Steve," I rush over to his side, rubbing his back soothingly.

"I know that doesn't change anything, because I still cheated," he says looking over at me, his eyes red.

"It doesn't," I confirm, feeling myself begin to cry.

This is it.

We both know that.

That this moment right now, is our last.

We stay there, looking at each other as we cry. Steve reaches for me and brings me into his arms, and we just hold each other as we cry.

"I am so sorry," he cries into my hair, his grip tight, afraid to let go.

"I know," I cry into his chest, "I know you are."

After god knows how long, we slowly pull our faces away, still holding on to one another, just to get a look at our faces. The crying is now just silent tears rolling down our faces.

"I love you," he whispers.

"I know," my throat hurts, "I love you too."

I did the only thing I could think of, I let my heart take control, and I slowly leaned up to meet his lips. You can feel the desperation and heartache behind the kiss. The kiss got a little more heated, both of us so desperate, knowing that we will never be this way with each other again.

Next thing I knew, we were both naked in my bed, Steve hovering over me.

"Are you sure?" he asks, making sure I was okay with it.

"Yes," I whisper, trying to take in every feature on his face.

The way he looks while we make love for the last time.

There's something incredibly sad about making love for the last time, knowing that it will be the last time. Most couples don't have that pleasure of knowing the last time they made love was their last, so they don't get to treasure it. Always hoping that they could've had one more night together, just to know that there was love there.

Here in this moment, there is love. I don't doubt that Steve didn't love me, I know it. The look in his eyes in this very moment say everything I needed to know about our relationship, and I hope mine do as well.

The sadness, the love, the regret, it's all there.

We try our best not to cry, but we can't help it. It's sad.

It's sad knowing that this great love is over. And not knowing if you'll ever find one like it again. Or even not knowing if you'll ever love again.

After we're done, we lay there, not in each other's arms. We remain quiet, seeing which one will be the first to say the final goodbye.

"Steve," I whisper so quietly, that if not for his super soldier hearing I don't think he would've been able to hear.

He looks over at me, tears rolling down his face. He nods his head, knowing what I'm thinking.

He slowly gets out of my bed and makes his way around the room getting his clothes on.

I don't dare look. I can't. If I do, I don't think I'll be able to let him leave.

"Thank-you for everything," he quietly says once dressed, opening the door, "Goodnight Y/n."

He quietly closes the door behind him as he leaves.

I close my eyes and let the tears fall, hoping the exhaustion of the day will consume me into a heavy sleep soon.

The next morning I'm woken up by FRIDAY letting me know that the team meeting starts in an hour. I thank her, my voice hoarse, don't know if it's because I just woke up or the aftermath of last night.

I quietly get dressed, and look around my room.

It's quiet. Peace.

It's lonely. I kinda like that.

It no longer feels like home.

I don't think I can stay here much longer.

Now that Steve and I are officially done, I think it's time I find some independence.

If the last two weeks have taught me anything is that, I need a little more independence.

I need a life outside of the Avengers.

A life where I don't work and live in the same building. Where I can escape.

Play music as loud as I want. Eat whatever the hell I want, and not worry if someone else has eaten it already.

Don't get me wrong I loved living here, I really did. I never had that college experience, we couldn't afford tuition and dorm living. Living here has let me experience the roommate life. But things are starting to get crowded. Everyone knows everything. You never have a chance to just breathe.

That's what I want, just a moment to breathe, without Sam and Bucky fighting over the tv remote. Without Tony dropping in in the middle of the night because he needs you in the lab ASAP, because he had a revelation in his sleep. I love Wanda, but sometimes you just need a break from even your best of friends. And now that Steve and I are officially over, how is dating going to be like for either of us. Not that that's going to happen anytime soon, but it's eventually going to happen, and I really don't want to see that with him, and him with I. It's just too complicated.

I have never been alone before. I've always had someone right there.

I think, no I know, it's time I be on my own. Doesn't mean I won't be an Avenger or work for Tony, it just means that I won't be living here with them.

And for the first time in the last two weeks, I feel content.

Free.

Like I can finally breathe.

That's how I know this is the right decision for me.

Summary: Y/N Parker is Peter’s older sister. She is ten years older than Peter, making her 26 years-old. She is also an Avenger, her powers are very similar to Wanda’s; telekinesis, mind reading, teleportation, and elemental bending. She has been an Avenger far longer than Peter, and like Peter her identity is kept a secret. As well as being an Avenger she works in the lab alongside Tony, she is a science genius. She has also been dating Steve Rogers for the past 3 years. Their relationship is as great as it can possibly be, that is until Steve does something that has Y/n questioning not only their entire relationship, but her place in the Avengers. It opens her eyes to how much of her life has revolved around Steve and work. Never really experiencing life like everyone else her age has.

Series tag list: @chaoticpete @eliza5616 @supraveng @faithtrustandrobbiekay @inquisitor-selvala @dumbbitch11 @im-not-an-armrest-im-short @jessyballet @reann-loves-sebstan @thelostallycat @castalette @lovely-geek @malfoyy123 @zombieninjadinostayssilent @welovecaptainamericaass @dontbetooobvious @stop-drop-and-drumroll @cvelarded @ophelias-heart​ @csigeoblue​

Permanent tag list[let me know if you want to be taken off]: @rosegolddivinity @definitelynotafangirl @1awesomeash @princess-evans-addict @geeksareunique @24kbratz @introvertatitsfinest @imagine-all-the-imagines @whatthefuckimbisexual @also-fangirlinsweden @the-queen-of-the-nerds

#lost on you social media au #steve rogers angst #steve rogers x reader #Steve Rogers #steve rogers reader #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers x you #peter parker x sister!reader #peter parker sister au #reader social media au #marvel angst #angst #AVENGERS ANGST #avengers social media au #parker sibling au #mcu angst #avengers fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #mcu fanfiction

[darkshadow90]

Arthur Fleck x reader: Reader has ADD/ADHD

Summary: You have ADD. You joke about it and try to make the best of it, but in reality, it’s not at all easy to live with. You have a rough day at work. You vent to Arthur how hard it is to have this condition and just wish that people could understand. He’s there to comfort you.

A/N: Hey guys. This isn’t a request. I had this idea for a little while but I hate writing for self indulgence. I wanted to give this a shot and see what you think. I have ADD and it can be a fucking nightmare to live with. A lot of times people joke and try to see the humor in it. I understand. It’s a way to cope with it and get through it. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I also think because so many people try to put a lighthearted spin on it, it causes other people to not take it as seriously as they should or even dismiss it as a real condition. I can tell you it is very much a real condition and it’s something I struggle with everyday. It’s not fun. I fucking hate it. I hate that I have it. I hate that I have trouble doing the simplest things. I hate how I struggle through so much. I wish there was a cure. ADD is not a super power, it doesn’t make me a genius. Thank science for medication. I’d be so lost without it. I’m sure those of you who have it can relate. Anyway, I hope you like this 🙂

Your entire life you struggled with ADD. It wasn’t easy to live with. Sometimes you felt like people didn’t understand what it was really like to have it. They’d say things like “Everyone has attention issues and trouble doing boring things. You just gotta buckle down and do it.” Or “One day, you won’t need that medication. You’re smart enough to do things on your own.” Those are just a few things people had said to you throughout your life. They just didn’t understand and you wish they did. You were on medication and it seemed to help a lot, but it wasn’t always easy to get because it’s a controlled substance. Thankfully you finally had insurance that covered it. Living in Gotham sucked but being with Arthur helped make it a little better.

While you didn’t have mental illness like Arthur did, you were able to empathize with him. You two had similar frustrations in dealing with people and the medical system that was dismissive of the two of you and didn’t understand your conditions. You both needed medication to help you manage your symptoms.  They weren’t a magic fix or a cure. You still had symptoms but the medication made them easier to deal with.  It really helped to have those similarities because it felt lonely to feel like no one else would understand. Arthur had been there to help you stay organized, so things wouldn’t create clutter you could keep track of things easier. You were grateful  Arthur was such a neat freak and liked keeping the house clean. Sometimes you left dishes lying around, or left your keys lying on the table instead of hanging them on the key ring near the door. It wasn’t because you were lazy, you were forgetful. You expected Arthur to give you the “how many times have I told you/do I have to remind you” talk, but it never came. His patience was a blessing.

One day while you were at work, you thought things were going great. You were getting the things done that you needed to do. That was, until your boss told you you seemed slower at completing things than usual. She wasn’t harsh about it, she was just pointing it out to you. She told you to go home and get some rest. You felt like a truck hit you. You were having a hard time staying motivated with everything that was going on in your head, but you didn’t want to tell her that because you were afraid of how she would react. So you went home and beat yourself up over it. You usually became so focused on one thing, at it was hard for you to switch from one task to another. You were scared if you stopped even for a little while, you would fall behind and never catch up and things wouldn’t get done.

Arthur came home and saw you sitting at the table. He knew something was wrong. He came over to you. “What’s wrong, Y/N?” You couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. “Be honest with me, Arthur. Am I a fuck up? Do you ever...ever wish I wasn’t so fucking stupid?” “No. Why do you talk about yourself that way? Why would you ever think I think that way about you?” “Well today at work my boss...she wasn’t mean about it...she pointed it out to me. She said I’ve been slower at getting things done lately. I don’t do it on purpose, I just have so many things going on in my head and I’m so scared if I don’t get something done right away, I’ll fall behind and I’ll never get it done. I can’t switch from one thing to another. God, Im so fucking tired of putting five hundred percent into everything I do. I’m so tired of just barely getting something done on time and feeling like I’m gonna fall apart. Why does it take me so much fucking effort to do simple things? It’s so embarrassing that I need stimulants to get things done. I’m so tired all the time I hate it. Don’t you wish I was different? Don’t you wish you didn’t feel like you were looking after a two year old because you always have to clean up after me and remind me of things?” “No. Sometimes it’s not always easy to deal with, just like how I’m not always easy to deal with. But we have our quirks, we get through them.”

It meant a lot to hear him say that. He helped you make a schedule for work so could follow things easier and break up tasks. It helped you get things done more efficiently and in a timely manner. You don’t know what you would’ve done without Arthur. He was a lifesaver and this was just the many ways he helped make things a little easier for you. You wished more people could try to be more understanding like him.

@ajokeformur-ray

#joker arthur fleck #arthur fleck x reader #arthur fleck #joker imagine #joker x reader #joker fandom #joker movie #joaquin phoenix joker

[fairycosmos]

Genuinely breaks my heart seeing that you don’t offer yourself the same love you do for everyone else. You’re such a kind soul but when it comes to yourself you can’t seem to find many nice things to say. I get it, I know it’s hard. I’m not here to try and convince you to love yourself cause I know that’s a long difficult process. But I will say that your followers all love you, and I hope someday you’ll understand why and believe us when we say you’re very worth caring about.

bro you know your message has had me spiraling for a while but like in the best way?? i just don't even know where to START because im so overwhelmed with how sweet and genuine you actually are. and also i feel weirdly seen like you've read my very being 👁️ but really, thank you so much for sending this and for offering some understanding when i need it the most. it means so much to me 💕 idk what it is, i think it's bc i know myself fully and i know what i deserve and how fucking embarrasing/incapable i am. and ppl on here are lovely as hell but that's just cause of what they see of me through the medium of social media, you know? not that it doesn't absolutely make my day every time, because it does, but idk i just think im irreparable sometimes and im the only one who can see it bc i spend all my time in this body. anyway ! 😳 at the same time i do take your opinions to heart and when im literally feeling out of my mind, sometimes i remember pockets of support i've received on here and it just keeps me going. i can't stress that enough, how lonely i would've been without being able to openly talk about my pain these past few years, without receiving acceptance/understanding in return the way i have. whew. also i hope you know i absolutely feel the same way about you and i want you to give yourself all the love n patience you're giving to me rn 💖💗💖💗💖 mwah !!!

#this ask > my old counselor #anon

[radioactive-mouse]

MY PERSONAL TAKES ON YOGS TMA ALIGNMENTS BECAUSE THEYRE MY HYPERFIXATIONS AND I SAY SO

Xephos: Eye Aligned / Vast Fear Meal

ok this one’s funky because like, as much as I love him pretty much all of xeph’s worst instincts can be traced back to beholding. he constantly needs to know and understand in order to feel in control, even when that knowledge comes at the cost of his own or someone else’s well-being. he doesn’t know when to stop asking questions, doesn’t know how to walk away, and even in his better moments he gets very fussy and needs to know what’s going on with everyone around him or he might combust. he’d also be a real scrumptious meal for the vast because not only did he, yknow, crash from space which he for sure has trauma from and then proceed to fail three fucking moon landings, he also just hates the concept of his own insignificance, hates the idea that he can’t control some things, and he gets so pressed about it that he does evil fucked up science to cope.

Honeydew: Buried Aligned / ???? Fear Meal

this is really self explanatory to be honest. diggy diggy hole he is digging a hole, also the closest i could think of for what entity would want to eat him is the eye but that doesn’t feel terribly accurate? honeydew is literally just vibing too much for cosmic horrors to get their hands on him

Lalna: Eye Aligned / Stranger Fear Meal

yeah, this one is. yeah. obvious enough. this is just a general rule for most lalnas with a few exceptions. lalna is really interested in obtaining knowledge but not so much using it to actually help anyone around him at least until Nano shows up and makes him stop being a bit of a prick and he like, for sure has some desolation tendencies in there somewhere. stranger-wise the clones kind of speak for themselves, lalna hates the idea that someone else could swap in and replace him at any moment, and really hates the amount of people running around with his face. also quick shout out to lalnable and eternal lalna’s flesh and slaughter alignments on top of all this. 

Rythian: Lonely Aligned / Slaughter Fear Meal

rythian’s real fuckin depressed. like, he for sure has some of his own desolation tendencies as well, but ultimately that stems from the fact that when he doesn’t have other people to keep him grounded he starts flailing for stability and even further back he spent his entire childhood unable to connect with anyone, find anyone that looked like him and that’s Why He Is The Way That He Is. i don’t doubt that both the slaughter and the desolation would get a pretty good snack out of him, because he has tendencies towards both but ultimately he’s scared that the people he cares about are going to get hurt and he wants to keep them safe. 

Zoey: Corruption Aligned / Slaughter Fear Meal

mushrooms! zoey needs to be surrounded by life and other people who care about her to be able to function. she’s also touched a little bit by the web like, in the way that martin seems to be? she doesn’t like it but she did play the red and brown mushrooms off each other, she’s not going to use it to hurt people but zoey is somehow the best and worst liar on the planet. she’s a slaughter/desolation fear meal in the same sense as rythian but like, 100 times more, she’s very set on being nonviolent and just wants to vibe with the people she loves without anyone messing with them. 

Sjin: Web Aligned / Hunt Fear Meal

sjin is a manipulative little bastard sometimes! everyone (including me) seems to forget about that one arc of jaffa factory where sjin’s like,,,, been puppeting a talking head?? to tell sips what to do???? which was fuckin weird but anyway thats most of my reasoning here tbh. in the same vein as that sjin absolutely hates any kind of comeuppance for his actions and is the most avoidant dude on the planet, anyone coming after him specifically scares the shit out of him.

Sips: Buried Aligned / ???? Fear Meal

ok i promise i have more reasoning other than Dirt Man but its via like,, a weirdly specific sips backstory that im not getting into and i cant think of anything that would particularly want to eat him im sorry king i did you dirty

Nano: Corruption Aligned / ???? Fear Meal

nano is TEXTBOOK corruption. she wants love! so bad! she’s literally being corrupted because mother offers her the first familial relationship she’s ever had in her life! she wants to be fully consumed by what loves her!!! i can’t think of any entity specifically that would want to eat her 

Parvis: Slaughter Aligned / Lonely Fear Meal

again parvis is TEXTBOOK slaughter. he doesn’t care where he directs it, but he needs violence to make himself feel powerful, he needs to be in control of something and the best way to do that is to prove you can choose when someone lives or dies. but more than parvis needs to be in control he needs to be feared, he needs someone to see him, and the lonely’s brand of fading into obscurity would fuck him up big time.

Strife: UHHHHHHHHH Aligned / End Fear Meal

okay the thing is. if we’re talking an actual tma AU? i’m of the opinion that strife stays stubbornly unaligned gerry-style no matter how many entities make grabby hands at him. but listen, strife rolls up and the extinction, the desolation, the lonely and the eye all get into a knife fight over who gets custody of this bitch ass business boy. but strife would absolutely fear the end, the one thing no amount of money or power is going to let him outrun is death, dude’s got some real issues with mortality and it shows. 

#if you want me to try someone else shoot me an ask bc i have MANY hcs >:3c #im sorry this is so long #yogscast #the magnus archives #xephos #honeydew #lalna #lividcoffee #rythian #rythian enderborn #zoeya #zoey proasheck #sjin #sips #nano #nanosounds #acparvis #alex parvis #william strife #jay.txt

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

#long post #hinatalks #we live in a society #fr fr #when i die....if god is real..i´ll end this once and for all. all of it #i am left with nothing but pain and anger.... i cant even feel anymore. i think i forgot how to

[zanecosh]

’ ･ﾟ : 👽  : ･.  INTRODUCTION — Zane Wancosh  .･: 👽 :･ﾟ ’

⌠ CHANCE PERDOMO, TWENTY-ONE, CISMALE, HE/HIM ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, ZANE WANCOSH! according to their records, they’re a FIRST year, specializing in MEDICAL TRAINING; and they DID NOT go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of (sunglasses in every imaginable color, serenading ‘ my heart will go on ‘ loudly at 4 am, finger guns to the pals and the gals). when it’s the (aries)’s birthday on 04/18/1999, they always request their FRENCH FRIES WITH GRAVY from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation.

tw; drugs, jail/prison ??, alcohol

PAST but not rlly since i always had to mention what it did to him

- Zane was raised in Ottawa, Canada .. something he is very proud of and will mention a billion times as soon as he gets to know someone -- he will also deliberately say ‘ eh ? ‘ to let people know b ut we all know he ain’t sleek !!

- His parents had always been a loving bunch so he grew up receiving so much affection and attention that he now is a little FULL of himself but only because he seeks love and won’t stop until someone provides it for him im srry i didn’t make the law

.- So given his upbringing he’s always been the completely affectionate type, having his hands everywhere all the time and achING for hugs and small things like hand holding or just a pat  on the shoulder like he is seriously convinced that if he doesn’t get at least four hugs a day he will die a painful, lonely death

- So in addition to that, he had always been a very active, youthful and energetic kid which was pretty much something he got from his dad since he sort of kept things playful and always did the best that he could while his mom was on the stricter side but instead knew how to teach him things that were important !!

- So growing up he always made friends very easily because of how open he was ( except that time when he brought this girl home at the age of 7 because he thought she’d make a cool pet ) and because he was always vERY friendly, even if he had a tendency to be too nice at times and just got upset when people didn’t like him ?? which is honestly still the case

- Of course he loved being popular which is kind of his aspiration in most things nowadays?? he seeks to be liked so much it’s sometimes a lil sad but he will legitamately try anything to make you his friend and he wont care if ur bothered because at least then he’ll get a reaction out of you !! but yeah it’s something he never really learned bc he’s used to getting validated from his parents so he genuinely doesn’t COMPREHEND meanness ://

- It was when he was around ten ( 10 )  years old when his dad randomly moved to New York ?? which was honestly super scary to him but his mother assured him that it was for a special job which was definitely weird for him because that was the only thing she ever said when he asked her about his father and ofc zane wasn’t dumb just a little idiotic !!

- They still visited his father often where Zane was able to get to know America and New York a little better, which he definitely enjoyed even though he sort of preferred Canada always because he likes snow a lot and the fact that it kind of melts when you pee on it but anyway he was getting a bit more suspicious as he grew older

- Then on his sixteenth birthday he was able to visit his dad once more to which he then was revealed that his dad was the ring leader of a spy business !! WOW to which Zane was baffled of course bc his dad ??? who tripped over his 7th birthday cake because Zane saw a squirrel and started to chase it ?? exactly !!

- So of course, Zane wanted to start working there !! Not only because of curiosity but school was kind of boring ( ngl ) and he missed his dad a lot so while his mother was not happy about his choice at all she always believed in people doing whatever they wanted so without much time passing the male moved to New York and started working for his father !!

- it was quickly noticiable that Zane wasn’t great at spy work, considering he was incredibly clumsy and was always distracted by everything and almost shot off his left toe ONCE okay it was only onCE !! Anyway his father got a little frustrated with his chaotic energy so he gave him the jobs were he was usually with someone else so they could babysit him which was honestly better for him too bc he could make friends !!

-  So when he was around 19 that’s when he got to know his boy Landon, his main squeeze, one could even say the love of his life ( only he would say that ) but they immediately vibed with Landon being his driver even though they lowkey ended up doing stuff that completely wasn’t what his dad wanted but Zane was honestly just loving life and just doing a bit of shady stuff with his buddies was bonding ??

- HOWEVER NOT ALL THINGS CAN BE SUNSHINE AND CAKE; so they often kind of got into trouble ?? they were good at hiding and sort of running from the cops a couple of times but honestly not that much of a big deal as Zane would say but once upon a time, these assholes rlly got caught ahead of their time to which Landon then got away in time with someone from Gallagher helping while Zane honestly didn’t know what was happening n got caught ??

- To which he then ended up in jail for a year !! love carrying contraband while being high as fuck !! anyway, it was a very self reflecting time . even though he sort of learned nothing ?? anyway not even his dad could bail him out, only shorten the time if he in return joined Gallagher, a school where he would learn how to behave and use his spy knowledge to some good instead of just causing trouble !!

- Which he honestly didn’t vibe with so much because he was kind of scared of these spy kids ?? legit all of them could kill them w a look he wasn’t sure was his dad was thinking but that’s also why he chose medicial training, in order to not get hurt and if he did, he would be able to take care of himself which honestly wasn’t that much of a help when he was about to bonk this girl but ended up hitting his dick against the ground as they rolled around ?? he doesn’t wanna talk about it

- Anyway, he sort of grew into Gallagher for the most part, since he is a very adaptable person in general and was looking forward to making friends with people who were way cooler than him which was honestly a plus !! he just vibing y’all there ain’t no problem at all at all

PERSONALITY & LITTLE QUIRKS

- He’s super chaotic and all over the place, loves talking about anything and everything and sort of philophises over the most mundane things because its fun to talk about life y’all

- He has a super colorful taste in clothing and decoration and is pretty extraordinary in most things in life, whether its sunglasses or flowers on his backpack and shirts and stuff that’s way too big

- Is a slow talker and also doesn’t understand people who talk fast

- Has a habit of interrupting people mid-conversation and doesn’t realize that it could appear rude

- Loves everyone, is also super affectionate and always has an arm around his friends or will at least ask for conSENT bc that matters to him but he will most likely touch u some type of way im sorry

- Probably because he is super fidgety too, he legit has his hands everywhere all the time because he doesn’t like to stay still

- Somewhat of a class clown and certainly does not enjoy studying or any school related work so he’s kind probably always on the verge of failing ?? idk how he does it you guys

- will fist bump you but will also grab your ass

- Just wants to chill most of the time but somehow still always stressed

- Is a party ANIMAL like if there is a party, he’s there and probably drunk and high before the party even starts ?? in general i don’t think he’s been sober a day since he turned 18 who the fuck knows

- Will probably trip and fall everywhere as a drunk but he just laughs about it the second day, like he says if he doesn’t get hurt it won’t be a good party and i honestly worry about him and i’m not sure how he’s still alive

- does the peace sign way too often

- could be considered a sunny boy but since he’s from cold ass Canada he loves snow way much more and the cold for some reason

- has the biggest potty mouth like he doesn’t even realize he’s swearing

- is extremely honest like he will just stand there listening to someone complain and be like well that’s a bitch

-  also huge flirt and also catches feelings fast and will mostly say it outright when he falls for someone like boy has seriously no shame ?? he will feel the heartbreak but he believes he can deal with it better than questioning it all the time and if they feel the same he will just loVE

- he also might be polyamerous he doesn’t know it yet bc he’s never had that many chances but he just likes to love whatever

- his head is everywhere and nowhere at the same time so it’s possible that he doesn’t make sense 80% of the time

- has tattoos that don’t make sense at all, i like to refer pewdiepie or uhhhh what’s his name uhhhh kURTIS CONNER ?? im too lazy to fact check i been writing this for an hour let me be

- knows how to juggle and thinks that’s that probably the coolest skill he’s ever learned

- has two earthworms that he got during a biology project back in high school who have been in his possession for six years now ?? ( i checked they live for four to eight ) he loves them to death ok their names are Niall and Liam ....... ( yes he was an 1D stan don’t confront him about them he’ll cry )

- is very superficial, loves the horoscope and believes in like bad luck and stuff like that, will scold u if u don’t listen to him rant about unlucky things !!

/ @gallagherintro

#gallagher:intro #not putting any wcs bc he legit fits everything ok #this got loooong #but i could meme for 4 hours w this dude

[apimpnamedlo]

May I have a match up please ? Attack on titan would be preferred, but if you could do both AOT and MHA that’d be nice lol. My name’s Grace, I’m 5’5(166cm but I think I’ve grown a bit), with a slender build (I’m flat), black w dark skin and short 4b-4a hair, Leo Sun, Scorpio moon, Leo rising, and an ENFP. My chart is water dominated and my top 3 signs are Leo, Pisces, and Aquarius. I like skateboarding(I’m ass at it tbh), reading/writing, anime(ofc), fashion, and hanging out w my friends!! Sometimes I’m very sociable and I’m very loud and over the top if I’m trying to impress/get ppl to like me. I’m kinda shy 👉🏾👈🏾 so if I don’t know anyone and I’m in public im quiet and stick to myself. I get lost easily, am absent minded, and I rarely think before doing things. I have an impulsive personality and I do things on a whim. After being around ppl for a while, I take long breaks and tbh I’m kinda reclusive. But to the point where I withdraw from friends and don’t answer anyone’s texts, it’s a bad habit, tbh I just ghost people 🙁. I hate making my friends worry but they’re gonna leave anyway tbh 💀I’m a paranoid person and I constantly am suspicious of everyone and everything, I don’t trust many people but I over share a lot of my secrets. Maybe because I want to be loved? I guess I’m bad at maintaining friendships (I wonder why) and I barely make any real connections w people, most are superficial. I’m highly emotional and empathetic to a fault, and my mood changes very quickly. I feel lonely but ironically, I’m never alone. This sounds so fucking emo but I feel like no one understands me because I don’t portray myself well enough for them to. I often question my existence and what I’m doing with my life. I dress similar to the “soft girl trend”, I LOVE pleated skirts, leg warmers, thigh highs, skirts in general, and pastel things. I rarely get any sleep as a result of my environment n have dark circles🥺 I have dimples when I smile tho. I get attached to people very easily and daydream often. I’m very creative and competitive , if I’m doing something I have to be the first and only person to do it, I hate being similar to other people. I’m very lazy and hate deadlines. I love public speaking. Because of my childhood, I dislike physical contact and affection (PLSSS that sound so sad 😭😭). I mean affection sounds nice, but I just don’t like it when people actually touch me. I like giving, not receiving .I’m very awkward when it comes to romance. Because I’m very absent minded and impulsive, I tend to accidentally do bad things? but I never intend to. I hate hurting people. I’m really bad at standing up for myself. I’m bisexual. In boys, I like tall guys(guys who r bigger than me in general) with pretty eyes n slightly aggressive. In girls, I like both tall n short. I reallyyyy like girls with long legs. I know this was very long pls don’t judge me 😭 I’ll leave now 😶

I match you with. . .

Hange Zoe

I’ve gotta say, they are of the...eccentric sort. Hange Zoe isn’t an easy catch, but I imagine that they aren’t too hard to handle at the end of the day. Your water dominated chart would benefit from this highly dependable figure who welcomes anything and everything of the creative sorts with open arms. It was probably a little awkward in the beginning when it comes to your relationship. . .

But that’s fine. 

You see, Hange isn’t really the type to be set in their ways. They’ll sit back, observing constantly whenever you’d think that they had their focus on something else. They’re fine tuned and that’s probably what makes your relationship so sweet. 

They know when to give you space, all while staying near. You’ll never have to worry about them coming back, but they definitely won’t force you into anything that you aren’t comfortable with. 

Little does anyone know, they probably use their clinginess to keep people at a distance. That’s how they were able to gauge that you’re genuine. 

They’re the most fun to be around, without the pressures of having to put up a wall and that’s probably for the best. Creating a bond of deep trust and respect would be most essential to your relationship. 

Most likely the best person to go to for a smile or for grounding. Again, that lighthearted nature can melt away for something much more serious and calm for your sake. After all, they’d do anything to make you feel like they’re your home, and you can come to them anytime for anything. 

Dates would definitely not be normal, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t fun! The most simple of them would probably be an aquarium date, one of those late night tours where the two of you are as undisturbed as possible.