#i did not have therapy today when i should have so now i am kinda off balance mentally | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

possibilistfanfiction · 1 year

Note

avatrice + kiss on the back of the hand?

[ava + some friends, more outside pov (in the future!) for @unicyclehippo]

despite the fact that physical therapy is boring, and not at all your favorite activity, you like your therapist, brian, and at least you’ve gotten to consistently schedule it early enough in the morning you don’t miss your bridge group. and you’ve been compliant — mostly; you did spend more time on your feet last week than you were supposed to, but your grandson was visiting and you would never let him leave without having his favorite brisket and matzoh ball soup — and have done the exercises brian gives you to do at home every day.

the physical therapy gym is mostly boring, more — and you hate to say it — old people, like you, recovering from total knee or total hip replacements, and a few young athletes. your son, ezra, drops you off and picks you up twice a week; sometimes his husband, marcus, fills in and he always takes you to get donuts afterward, your little secret. today you sit at the table you always start at, your walker steady and almost unnecessary at this point, and a young woman, exhausted-looking and the kind of pretty that could easily belong in a party when you were young, sitting in a sleek wheelchair by the table, smiles gently across you. you’re early by a few minutes — ezra is wonderful, but he’s a bit wound up all the time — so you smile back. ‘i’m ruth,’ you say.

‘hi.’ the young woman seems happy to talk, cheerful. ‘i’m ava.’

‘very exciting beginning to your morning, it seems like.’

she groans. ‘ugh, tell me about it. my partner barely woke up in time to drive me here.’

you laugh. ‘not a morning person?’

ava rolls her eyes. ‘no, not at all. i love mornings though, even if they’re at physical therapy.’

‘it’s not so bad,’ you tell her. ‘have you done it before?’

‘not really.’ she shrugs. ‘i have some chronic spine stuff from a car accident when i was younger, and my doctors have tried… a lot, so we’re hoping this helps everything.’

‘i hope it’ll help.’ you gesture to your walker. ‘total hip replacement. from being old.’

ava’s smile is bright. ‘kinda cool, to get old, though, huh? and to have as cool of clothes as you do? i can only hope the same for myself, one day.’

it’s sweet, and sincere, and aching under the surface. ‘it is wonderful, to get to grow old. and —‘ you wink — ‘to get to be better dressed than everyone around you.’

‘hell yeah.’ she looks at her own hoodie and joggers. ‘i usually am better dressed than this, or, at least, more fun; i just had surgery last week.’

‘well, when you’re feeling better, i’m sure i’ll be very impressed.’

‘i don’t know about that.’ ava blushes a little, and you’re delighted. ‘i think my partner is probably the better dressed of the two of us; she’s very chic. but i’m fun!’

‘fun is the most important part. especially when you’re an old lady.’

she laughs and then brian walks up, says hi to you, and you wave. ‘good luck, ava. i’ll talk to you soon.’

‘for sure,’ she tells you enthusiastically.

you’re waiting on a bench in front of the physical therapy gym in the warm sunshine — not too hot, not too cold, perfect — when ava walks toward you, slowly and with a cane, but walking.

‘is this seat taken?’

‘for a pretty girl like you? absolutely not.’

she laughs, bright and warm. ‘ruth, you flirt.’

‘i’m old.’ she sits gingerly and it makes you hurt for her, just a little — not that she needs any mobility aids, but because it’s clear she’s in pain. ‘i get to flirt whenever i want.’

‘oh, is that how it works?’

‘absolutely,’ you tell her sagely.

‘well, other than me, of course, let me know if there are any crushes i should know about? i love drama, and my life is, both tragically and fortunately, drama free right now.’

‘well, sean in my bridge group, and david from shul. oh, and lee from my favorite cafe i go to for lunch.’

‘hmm, pros and cons? or are we playing the field?’

you laugh, and you tell her about sean’s clever hands, the beautiful way david reads scripture, how lee always offers you half his reuben. ava listens attentively, like she really cares, and, after she asks a thoughtful series of questions about how to play bridge — my girlfriend would probably demolish at this game, honestly — you understand that she really does care; she really does want to know you. so you ask her questions too; her partner’s name is beatrice, and she is, according to ava, beautiful and kind and exacting; ava grew up mostly in spain and is a bartender, which she loves, and they live in a house on the beach because beatrice, apparently, works in consulting all over europe, and also enjoys teaching aikido. ‘she has four black belts,’ ava says, and fans herself. it makes you laugh, and when marcus drives up in his practical, nice bmw hybrid, you pat her hand.

‘see you tuesday, ruth.’

‘enjoy your weekend, ava.’

ava’s walking better on tuesday, and she sits next to you without asking this time, after you’re both finished. she fishes around in her crossbody bag and then holds out her hand, some candy with wrappers in mandarin on her palm. ‘they’re plum candies. they’re beatrice’s favorites, so i thought i was being sweet, but, i kinda went overboard and ordered, like, enough for a small army.’

you laugh but take one — you would never turn down an offered sweet; something of a communion — and open it while ava does the same. it’s wonderful: flavorful and sweet and a little sour, and you tell ava that.

‘ugh, i know,’ she says. ‘i don’t think bea had had them for a really long time; she cried the other day.’ ava smiles, like she’s trying not to laugh. ‘it was very sweet. a little dramatic, but i get it. i kind of go crazy for panellets.’

‘well, i’m making babka tomorrow, how about i bring you both some thursday?’

‘ruth, that’s too much.’

‘i love to share food,’ you say. ‘really, it’s part of the job description of a bubbe. they only let you in if you share your babka.’

ava rolls her eyes but then she nods. ‘i would really love that.’

ezra drives up, and you stand — easily, now, without pain and much stiffness — and wave.

your babka turns out as good as it always does — the best at shul, despite the fact that yael claims hers is better — and you place a few carefully in a tupperware to bring to ava, who seems a little wilted when she sits next to you. she waves you off when you look concerned.

’no big deal,’ she says. ‘just didn’t sleep too well last night. but! now i’m going to eat the world’s best babka and nap after bea drops me off. do you think i could convince her to nap with me?’

‘depends on why you didn’t sleep well last night.’

it takes ava a minute but then she laughs, brightening immediately. ‘ruth!’

‘you’re young, you should be having fun.’

‘oh, we have fun.’ ava grins. ‘don’t worry.’

‘well, speaking of fun,’ you say, ‘a few of my friends and i go to this water aerobics class at the country club together, every wednesday. i’m sorry if i was eavesdropping, but i heard kayvon tell you that some water therapy might be helpful? it’s really quite fun.’

‘that sounds awesome, honestly. i just got cleared to drive myself next week, so i would love that!’

you don’t bother to mention that everyone in the class is over seventy, mostly because you don’t really care, but, also, ava doesn’t seem to care, at all, that you’re at least fifty years older than her: you’re friends, and she’s kind, and bright.

once again, marcus is there to pick her up before her ride, but you give her your number — and you add her on facebook, because that’s easier for you sometimes — before you leave. you send her the details later that day, and she responds with a few emojis you don’t understand, but that your grandson laughs at when you show him. good enough.

‘i didn’t know, really, what to wear to water aerobics,’ ava says, happily sitting on the edge of the pool with you. she has on a simple red one-piece, her hair tied up in a bun, although short pieces escape. the back dips low and you see multiple scars, some faded and one new, and painful looking; ava’s light often makes you forget why you first met.

‘this is great,’ you tell her. you gesture to your brightly colored, polka dotted tankini. ‘you can spice it up however much you want. just wait until you meet angela.’

as if on cue, angela, tall and Black and striking, walks in, with her perpetually perfect close cropped hair, in a pair of heels and draped in an elegant silk coverup over a royal blue bikini. ‘whoa,’ ava says, and it’s so earnest it makes you laugh.

‘listen,’ ava says, ‘i’m bi, queer, and, yeah, i have a partner who is so so so beautiful, like, god, this morning she came home from surfing and used our outdoor shower — thank god for her trust fund, am i right? — but… ruth, i have eyes.’ she looks over to you. ‘you have eyes too, right? like, no offense to sean and david and lee, but… angela is stunning, okay?’

‘she is,’ you grant her, mostly because you’re amused. angela walks over and smiles, gracious and perfect, and you gesture to ava, who gulps. ‘angela, ava. ava, angela.’

‘hello, ava,’ angela says. ‘ruth says that she’s quite fond of you from physical therapy.’

‘yeah,’ ava says, a little stunned. ‘that’s — that’s really kind, ruth.’

‘we don’t invite just anyone to water aerobics. it’s an exclusive club.’

‘other than courtney,’ angela grumbles.

’well, true,’ you admit. ‘but she’s not part of lunch. ava, next week, you should come join us.’

‘i would love that,’ she says. ‘beatrice will too, i’ll make sure of it.’

you laugh, and angela waves to rosa and farha when she sees them. class goes great; ava seems, when you look over at her a few times, to enjoy it a lot. even though you hadn’t really worried that ava would feel out of place, any nagging feelings are assuaged when she gets out of the pool and wraps a towel around her shoulders, carefully moves on the wet floor with a cane.

‘i told bea i’d be home soon,’ she says, ‘and she gets kinda nervous when i’m late. but! i’ll see you at therapy tomorrow, and i’ll definitely plan on lunch next week.’ she hesitates for a moment and then gives you a hug, which fills you with a very particular kind of warmth. ‘thank you, for inviting me.’

‘of course, ava. see you tomorrow.’

you see ava at therapy and you think, for the most part, she’s improving: you haven’t seen her wheelchair in months, and she still uses her cane, but you think it’s mostly because it feels safer, especially if she’s sore. you start going once a week but it doesn’t really matter, because she comes to water aerobics in increasingly fun swimsuits, including a purple stripped bikini that makes even angela whistle. ‘oh, to be young again,’ she had said, and ava had blushed.

‘so, how did you meet beatrice?’ margot asks, back from her annual trip to florida.

ava puts down her fork and smiles, so soft. ‘work, in spain. a job i didn’t even want, even. but, even from when we first met, she’s always just been so kind. we spent a sabbatical together, one summer, and that’s when i really fell in love with her.’

‘love at first sight, then?’ angela grins.

‘maybe not quite,’ ava says, then laughs. ‘i was… difficult, back then. obviously, i’m a total angel now.’

you roll your eyes and farha says, ‘oh, sure.’

‘we’ve been through a lot,’ ava says, softer and very sincere. ‘she’s — she’s the best person i know.’

‘well we need to meet her,’ you decide, even though you’ve been meaning to ask them both to shabbat soon anyway. ‘bring her to lunch friday?’

‘if that’s okay with everyone? i guarantee she has exceedingly good manners, much much better than mine.’

‘low bar,’ rosa says.

‘ha ha, very funny.’ ava tries her best not to smile but then does anyway, brighter than the noon sun overhead outside.

you’re just sitting down at the table, one extra seat this week, when ava perks up and then stands, steady and even, and you see who you know, from pictures ava has shown you, is beatrice, smiling a little nervously. ‘hi, baby,’ ava says, and beatrice takes ava’s hand and gently places a kiss to her knuckles, like a genuine knight.

‘absurd,’ angela whispers from next to you, and you try not to laugh loud enough for them to hear you, because they’re young but they’re not that young: they have a home together, and you know, from the few things ava has mentioned privately, usually on days that are too, too bright, things have been hard, and they’ve had to spend time apart in the past, and ava is thankful.

‘hello, everyone,’ beatrice says, her accent and posture extremely formal, in contrast to her casual but still, somehow, smart black hoodie and white sweatshorts and birkenstocks. her hair is in a messy bun, a few strands escaping that ava happily pushes behind her ears, and a big tattoo sitting above her left knee; she’s muscular and strong, but there are freckles spread across her cheeks and, when ava smiles at her, she softens, entirely. they are young, and, even though ava has shown you pictures, you’re still struck, in the moment, by how much they fit.

there’s a chorus of hi, beatrice and it’s so good to meet you and ava talks about you all the time, but beatrice takes it all in stride, a happy little smile on her face. you understand, quickly, that they fit, the same way you and aaron had, so long ago: ava is loud and overwhelmingly bright, enthusiastic and generous with all of her affection, and beatrice is quietly funny, whip smart, and thoughtfully attentive to ava. she turns and listens, fully, to whoever is talking, and knows about rosa’s birding, and the shrine farha talks about in lahore, and the new podcast angela is listening to. she’s impressive, as a person, and ava seems distinctly aware of it, basking, a little, in being chosen by someone so special.

‘sorry i’m underdressed,’ beatrice says after you order. ‘i was surfing this morning, and then had to jump on a work call, and i didn’t want to be late.’

‘everything okay?’ ava checks.

‘yes,’ beatrice says, soothes a hand along ava’s thigh and then squeezes her knee. ‘nothing of concern.’

ava squints. ’were you just asleep? you wouldn’t lie to me, right?’

beatrice pauses. ‘i was — well, catching up on some sleep, when camila called.’

ava barks a laugh. ‘bea is the sleepiest person i know.’

‘sleep is one of the great pleasures of life,’ angela says, regal and finite in her statement, ‘among other things in bed.’

beatrice grins while ava blushes. ‘now i know why you like coming to these classes and lunches so much,’ beatrice says, shooting angela a wink. ‘you do have a type.’

‘ah, and what a type it is,’ ava says, sighing for effect, seemingly recovered from her momentary emabrassment.

at the end of lunch, you do invite them to shabbat, and beatrice asks your favorite kind of kosher wine.

‘okay, you are all sworn to secrecy,’ ava says, leaning forward at the table. it’s not particularly quiet, because farha’s hearing aides can only do so much, and rosa flat out refuses to wear any, but there’s no on important around you anyway.

‘wonderful,’ angela says.

‘i love a secret,’ you agree.

‘well.’ ava lets out a big breath. ‘beatrice and i are going to switzerland, next week, to the alps, where we spent our first summer together, and i —‘ she shakes her head — ‘this feels so crazy, but i’m going to propose.’

it sends the whole table into a flurry of excitement, asking about ava’s plan — a hike, the one they would go on every tuesday together, slowly and for fun — and the ring ava had picked out — beautiful, and elegant, and perfect, you think — and, ‘do you think she’ll say yes?’

ava gulps. ‘i know she wants to spend her life with me.’ she sounds sure, and calm, despite her fingers nervously fidgeting with her napkin. ‘she was… very religious, for a long time, so, like, she’s always been really accepting of other same sex marriages, but i think it’s taken her a minute to get her to feel ready for, like, our own very queer marriage. sacrament, and all that, i guess.’ she shakes her head. ‘but anyway, yes! i think she’s ready. i think she really wants to get married.’

her smile is gentle, serene, and you had watched beatrice — in neat linen, her hair long and swept over her shoulder, fight her way through eating multiple bites of gefilte fish last friday, even though it was clear she hated it, and say prayers in hebrew, quietly. ava had been in her chair; you hadn’t asked, and neither had anyone from shul or your family, but beatrice had made sure that she had everything she needed, unobtrusive and practiced. ava had been, unexpectedly, the life of the party, charming everyone with her laugh and her silly puns and a very spirited debate with your granddaughter about women’s soccer. they’re a pair, you understood, very clearly: at the end of the night, ava had encouraged beatrice, gently, to take extra kugel along with the challah and chicken you’d already put in tupperware for them; beatrice had gotten their sweaters from the closet and handed ava’s to hers with a kiss to her forehead, tender and private, a moment that had belonged just to them.

‘we’ll all be eagerly awaiting the engagement photographs,’ angela says with sure gravitas.

‘post them on facebook,’ you tell her, and ava laughs, but she promises, later, when you give her a hug, that she will.

‘thank you, for inviting us,’ you tell ava, a bit in awe, if you’re being honest, of their house. she bounces around happily, and angela just looks at you with a raised brow for a moment. there are bright red and gold decorations everywhere, and beatrice walks over with a neat bun and beautiful jacket, embroidered so elegantly even angela seems a little in love with it.

’happy new year,’ she says, and you both give her a hug as you return the sentiment, then shows you to their kitchen, with a spread of chinese food that smell so, so good, and then gestures out to the open-air doors and patio that overlooks the ocean. ‘help yourselves to whatever you want. ruth, there are plenty of dishes that i made sure meet all kosher standards; they should be labeled. and there’s plenty of seating, and come find me if you need anything.’ she pauses. ‘or ava, but she gets a little… activated when we have a lot of people over.’

‘so, did we know how rich they were?’ angela says, loading her plate with everything she can after beatrice walks away to greet more guests.

‘not this rich.’

you both wait a beat and then laugh, and you find seats by the railing; your hip doesn’t hurt at all anymore. ava finds you both eventually and steals an egg roll from your plate with a laugh. ‘i’ll get you another one,’ she promises. ‘and, i just wanted to say, thanks for being my friends. i know it’s silly, but the water aerobics have really helped me feel better — and much less bored — when my mobility has been limited. and i love hearing about your lives, and sharing mine. i just —’ she scrubs her hand along the back of her neck, her hair neatly trimmed to her chin, fluttering in the breeze. ‘i went a long time without great role models.’

it’s so sincere and so touching. angela sniffles and you fish a hanky from your purse and hand it to her; she dabs her eyes.

‘don’t call us old,’ she says, voice breaking, and ava laughs.

‘i could’ve called you my adoptive grandmothers, so count your blessings.’

you roll your eyes when she takes a big, smiling bite of her (your) egg roll. ‘you are a blessing,’ you tell her.

ava swallows her bite and then leans to hug you, tight and sincere. ‘thank you,’ she whispers.

‘happy new year, ava.’

‘yeah,’ she says, a little teary but with a huge smile. ‘happy new year.’

#we have been talking abt ava & her bubbe for... Months !! lol #finally got to it #ava & the gals #ft sleepy bea #wn #warrior nun fic #avatrice #avatrice fic #prompts #also happy lunar new year!!!! this is the new year they're attending fyi if that isn't clear lol #also yes ava's type rly is like exacting smartly dressed women who are in fact taller than her

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milawritesstuff · 1 year

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We took an L today bestie :( can you do a pedri x reader where hes feeling down from his injury comeback because he feel like he hasn’t given his all. Kinda like how she’s noticed he’s been down & she asks his brother & they finally realize it after the Rayo game since he opened up & talked to her about it so she comforts in & just makes him feel less disappointed in himself. Just like fluff & like a hug in words if that makes sense lol thank u 🫶🏼

A/N: That lost hurt so much and IDK why.

But writing this was therapy so here you go lol.

......

The sound of the front door swinging open and Pedri throwing his backpack on the floor of the quiet home startled you. You smiled as you made your way to greet him. He had been gone for an away game in Madrid.

-Amor.- You said as you approached him.

-I played like shit.- He said rubbing his eyes, for the first time since the game being able to let it out. You noticed the sides of his hand were now red, surely from hitting the steering wheel of his car as he drove home after arriving from the airport. He clearly looked upset.

-Come on Pedri, it wasn’t that bad.-

-Did you see when I lost that ball? They almost scored.- Your mind went to the game. The way you had screamed at Pedri through the TV when you saw the horrible decision he had made. You wouldn’t dare tell him now

-But they didn’t.-

Pedri left you standing there as he walked towards the bedroom saying profanities in between his breathe. You knew better than to take it personal, after all it had been a pretty horrible game. You heard your phone ding and see a message from Fernando, Pedri’s brother, come in.

-Esta cabreado.- He is pissed off.

-Thanks for the heads up, he already came in here throwing stuff and yelling.- You replied sarcastically.

-He called me on his way home. He says he disappointed everyone.-

The sound of the television coming from the bedroom you shared with Pedri called your attention as you placed your phone down. You walked slowly over and found him sitting on the edge of the bed starting to rewatch the match against Rayo. You stood at the door and shook your head.

-We are not going to do this right now.- You took a few steps closer to him and took the remote from his hand, turning off the television.

-What the fuck are you doing?- He responded. You tried your best not to let his words get to you.

-You can say whatever you want but I am not going to let you sit here and eat at yourself replaying the match. It’s over, it’s done. I’m sure tomorrow Xavi will talk to you about what you can do better. But that’s enough for now.-

-It’s like they were all looking forward to seeing me play again and then I play like shit.- He went on.

-Come on Pedri, they all know you’re human. You can’t be our savior.-

-But that’s what they expected, they wanted me back so we could play again and instead what am I doing out there? Losing balls, not passing enough.-

-Don’t say that Pedro. What about the passes you did make that your teammates didn’t end up scoring? It’s not just you, everyone needs to do better next time and you need to stop thinking about it for tonight.-

He stood up and gave you a side eye as he directed himself to the restroom slamming the door behind him. You rolled your eyes and threw yourself on the bed. You should have seen this coming. Being with Pedri was for the most part nice. But he was too in love with this game that sometimes you ended up hating because of what it did to him. He felt like he had won the lottery when he got signed for Barça and now felt like he owed his all to the club and its fans. This type of mentality wasn’t good for him when the team lost, specially when he knew that he hadn’t done a well enough job.

You laid there with your eyes closed as you heard him slam something in there and then the water faucet begin to run. Minutes later the door to the restroom opened.

-Lo siento.- I’m sorry. He said. You opened your eyes and looked over at him. Still sadness in his eyes but he looked at you with a little pout which truly melted your heart.

-Are you feeling better now?-

He shrugged his shoulders as he began to walk towards the bed, taking off the beige Barça hoodie that made his beautiful brown eyes shine. -I don’t know about better, but I know I shouldn’t take it out on you.-

He sat on the edge of the bed as he took off his shoes. You moved over to be behind him as you wrapped your arms around his body and rested your head on his right shoulder. -You know I don’t deserve you, right?- He whispered as he smiled at you, taking in the warmth of your hug and realizing that’s exactly what he had needed since the end of the game.

-You know we don’t deserve you, right Pedrito?- You asked mentioning the club and its fans.

-Come on, let me help you relax.- You said as you brushed your fingers on his jaw and he tilted his head back. Your lips making a quick connection to his neck. He closed his eyes and enjoyed your touch. Your hands went to move over his chest and you felt as his body trembled at your touch.

-This is very relaxing.- He managed to whisper as you smiled. You let go of him and motioned for him to get into bed with you. He finished taking off his shirt and pants and got under the covers with you.

You immediately grabbed his jaw and began to kiss him, allowing for his gentle tongue to dip inside and begin to dance with yours. His hands around your body and eventually cupping your ass. It was unbelievable how in love you were with him, even being away for one day had been too long and you yearned for his touch.

You pulled away after a few kisses and stared at him. You smiled. -You know I would love you even if you scored 100 self goals on us, right?- He stared at you for a few seconds and then rolled his eyes and began to laugh. -I’m not that bad.-

-I’m just saying.- You said smiling right before he leaned in and began to tickle you. You laughed and eventually began to yell at him to stop because you felt like you couldn’t breathe. He laughed at how dramatic you were and stopped tickling you as he hovered over you. He smiled and leaned down to place a small kiss on your lips.

-Te amo.-

The two of you ended the night in each other’s arms as you watched a series until falling asleep.

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#pedri x reader #pedri imagine #pedri fluff #pedri x y/n #pedri x you #pedri fanfic #pedri blurb #pedri imagines #pedri gonzalez

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lgcseojin · 4 months

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✱ SEOJIN'S JOURNAL ( 2006 - current )

This journal is property of Park Seojin. It contains sensitive topics and precious thoughts. If you find this, don't open it or else he'll come find you and take you to Suplex City! Go away.

Septembur September, 2006 The therapy lady said if I pretend I'm talking to God then I can write eeeasier. I dunno. Don't wanna talk to you right now buddy. Cuz somtymes sometimes I kinda wish you didn't make me so I'm upset at you. And I hate cake and I don't wanna blow out anymore stupid candelsles. It just makes me feel real mad. Speshully Especially when Miss Heejung tries to give me hugs. I don't want none of that I just wanna go back to my friends somtimes.

November 30th, 2006 Mr Dongwoo Dad said that the baby is gonna come any day now. I'm gonna be mad if the kid is born on my birthday no way am I gonna share. It's my day!! I want somethin that's mine.

December 25th, 2006 Didn't write in this thing cuz I forgot. Anyway. Christmas is real fun. I got an RC racer thing!!!!! It goes so fast hahahah!!

January 15th, 2007 The baby was really late. They called her Dahye. She looked at me kinda funny but she didn't cry when I hugged her.

September 3rd, 2007 I got moved to a different class and stuff. I wanna throw books cuz now I'm not with my friends. But the teach said we were dissruptin class or whatever. I get to sit next to a girl now and she stuck her tongue out at me so I stuck out my middle finger. Her name is Boram.

March 14th, 2008 Girls are weird. I gave Boram my chocolates cuz she gave me some and then she said she was gonna throw em in the toilet. Whatever. I didn't like her anyways.

May 21st, 2009 Hahahah!!! Jaehyuk hyung came to school today and brought a real lizard. Yep it was real I checked and everything. Haesung said we should dissect it but we were like no way. I wanna make it my pet. It looks so sick! Not sick sick but cool

June 17th, 2009 I bought a guitar!!!

November 27th, 2009 A weird lady said hi to me when I was walking home. She had really long hair and a funny smile. She looked real sick (the real kind) and said my name. Maybe she's one of them no homes people or a ghost or somethin

November 29th, 2009 The weird lady tried to give me a bag of chips and grab my hand. Did she think I was 5 years old or somethin. That shit don't work on 11 year olds. So I ran away real fast. Skinned my knee. It fuckin hurt.

December 1st, 2009 Stuff sucks real bad right now. I'm real sorry God. I don't wanna go back no more. I just wanna stay here now. I'm sorry.

December 1st, 2010 She called again. I can't have one day.

December 1st, 2011 Sorry I keep ignoring you. Lotsa shit is happening lately. That lady hasn't even read this since like 2 years ago. Why do I even bother? How did I do it again? Hi, God? Haha. I'm good, I guess. Bored right now. Eating some kinda bread dad bought in Japan. Way too sweet but whatever. Birthday went okay. They gave me a party and it wasn't anything special I guess.

January 20th, 2013 Got nothing else to do so I'm gonna write in this again. Fuck this city. Fuck everything. I don't wanna move and leave everyone behind. This sucks so fucking much. Seoul seems like it sucks anyway. But at least Jaehyuk is there... Ugh nevermind. It makes feel sick to write while the car's moving all over the place, and Dahye won't stop pinching me. I'm gonna give this kid a headlock.

April 30th, 2013 Some kid almost ran me over with his bike so I grabbed it and he fell on me. Buncha stolen shit fell outta his jacket and everything. Hahaha. He begged me not to tell anyone. I think he's a grade below me even though he said he's like 13 I think. Seems real smart. Name is Cheol... something. I guess he's ok when we started to talk but if he runs me over again I'm gonna pummel him for sure.

August 2nd, 2013 Mom had the baby today. The kid is real cute and she grabbed my finger super tight. I'm gonna be honest. I kinda felt like crying and stuff. She's real cute, Dasom. I wanna protect her.

October 12th, 2013 Jaehyuk wants to start a band or whatever. Know I never mentioned it before but I kinda like to sing and I know how to play guitar. I'll give it a shot. He introduced me to some guy named Taewoo from another school and I asked Cheol if he wanted to join, too. Here goes nothing I guess.

February 23rd, 2015 I asked Minkyung out. I know you don't know who that is yet, God. Sorry about that. I was being an idiot just being in my head instead. She's in the same class as me. She's got short hair like to her neck kinda length. It's really funny. The class was playing soccer and she kicked the ball at my head. She seemed real scared about it and she came over to check on me and grabbed my face. That's what it's like to fall in love right??

July 9th, 2016 Long time no see, huh? Lots of good news happened so far. Well, kinda. First, I'm still going out with Minkyung. :) Second, I entered a singing contest and I got 3rd place, so a guy with a card came up to us and all. He was from a company... entertainment company. Legacy or something. Well, I auditioned and made it. Cool, right? Weird, though... Didn't think this could be a thing for me. Well, I'm gonna mooch these vocal lessons and see what happens I guess. Taewoo won't stop calling me a fucking sell-out though. Bastard. Anyway... the next news is awkward kinda. Mom and dad decided to foster this kid. He's like 12 or 13 or something and he's already getting on my nerves... Feel bad for him though. I know what it's like.

June 14th, 2017 Shit sucks. What a joke. See if those fuckers mess with Hyunseung again. I'd kick their asses all over again until they leave him alone.

December 2nd, 2017 She called me again. I don't get why she just won't leave me the hell alone. I can't do this shit. I don't care if I'm her "real son". Why did she have to find me? You left me there for like almost 7 years and now you wanna keep trying.

March 1st, 2018 I decided to start over. It's for the best, probably. Dim is over. I left the company. Me and Minkyung decided it would be better if we broke up. I couldn't even look at her anymore after I went off the deep end and didn't wanna be around anybody for a while. It was like shit was falling apart and I didn't wanna be like that and hurt her. Then have to leave her. And the guys. I feel like shit. I don't even know if this is the right choice. I'm taking you with me. There's still a lot of space to fill.

March 28th, 2018 It's the fifth day of basics. A week in and I've got some smart idea to start a journal. Apparently it's supposed to be "good" for me as an outlet but like... For all I know, some guy will take it, read it, and make fun of me. Whatever. This is stupid. The food sucks.

March 30th, 2018 Guy named Jung Woobin joined today. Kind of a nerd, but he's in my temporary unit and the bed next to mine. Might as well make friends. He keeps talking about random shit. Maybe I can see if he likes Slam Dunk. Well, I'm not here to make friends anyways, am I? Nothing else interesting happened. Entries are gonna be short till something interesting happens.

April 5th, 2018 Week two. Not hype. Hate waking up fucking early. This sucks ass. Some guy lost his shit and ran off in some random direction. They labeled him as a deserter. Feel kinda bad for him. Just glad he wasn't in my unit.

April 8th, 2018 New recruits came. There was overflow in bunking so they stuck a guy with us. I get a chaebol smell off of him but he seems alright so far. Let's see how he does during the first week.

April 21st, 2018 I'm tired of this Kang dude. Nearly kicked his ass before we got stopped. What a prick. He snores when he sleeps, too. I'm gonna plug his nostrils.

May 1st, 2018 Transfer to marines unit today. Off to Pohang. Wish me luck.

July 30th, 2018 Finally got time to sit down and write. Shit's been intense. The C.O. is no fucking stickler. He makes our squad wake up up to an hour earlier than the others. Set our alarms as the wake up song that blasts outside. Today, I swear we got to bed at midnight and got up at 3:30am. Wanted us to get our rounds done early so we can get a head start into the MMA training so we're in top shape. Tomorrow, our platoon is supposed to meet with the American marines that are stationed here, too.

October 10th, 2018 My English isn't that great but I kinda talked to this guy and we became friends. Tall, wavy hair, super ripped. Said his name is Andreas like the fault line but I dunno what that means, really. I can just call him Andy, he calls me Jin. His Korean is pretty good, actually. Hahaha.

October 11th, 2018 We sat by the river when everything is done and he and his friend taught me how to skin a rabbit. Then, the guy said he was gonna go rock fishing ( I think, I couldn't get his accent but I think he was from Australia or something ) and pulled a catfish with his bare hands. I'm serious! Wish I coulda taken a picture...

October 14th, 2018 It's the last day of the collab camp thing. Andy gave me a book. D'Aulaires' Book of Greek Myths. I guess I should get better at English... But he said he's staying in Seoul after this. And his dad's got a boxing gym or something. Once I'm out, I'll check it out.

December 1st, 2018 They remembered my birthday. Never thought I'd get a Chocopie with a candle sticking out of it. Whatever works. I don't like sweets anyway and it's cold as balls.

February 13th, 2019 I'm on break for seollal! Came back home for a bit to see everyone. I know I saw them in between but still... This is nice. Chan must've gotten real tall over the summer. Dasom ran up to me and hugged me real tight. As for Dahye, she shook my hand. What a weird kid. I missed them so much. Gonna go spend time with them now. I won't forget you at home. Promise.

March 26th, 2019 A new guy joined us today. Real jumpy, that one. Said he got transferred to our unit for some reason he won't say. Rumor is that he tried to kill some guy and he's in a gang back in Daejeon. I don't believe it for a second. What a stupid story.

April 3rd, 2019 Caught Lcpl. Shin creeping around the place after dark not in his bunk. I got up to take a piss and he almost scared it right outta me. This is like the 2nd time this happened. Since our ranks are the same there's not much I can do. Should I tell the C.O.? Shit, why am I asking you? I don't think you would know what to do either.

April 17th, 2019 Fuck it, we finally ratted on the guy. The hell is he doing lurking around the latrines all the time... Must be some kinda weirdo. I guess that's why he was transferred. Shoulda kicked him out instead. Woobin said he saw him with a knife when he got out so I dunno what to think anymore. Lt said it isn't a big deal. That the guy's gotta be touched in the head, whatever that means.

April 22nd, 2019 Something or some dipshit keeps knocking on the barracks again. Can't fucking sleep. Shit sucks.

May 24th, 2019 Things were quiet for a while. There was a weird smell coming from the latrines and it wasn't cause of the crap they serves us. Found a dead bird strung up with shoelaces. Can't eat tonight.

May 28th, 2019 Can't sleep. Knocking again. The alarms went off. Glitch, I guess.

May 31st, 2019 Some shit went down. Two of the guys started wailing on each other outta nowhere. Screaming real loud about something. I didn't really bother trying to figure it out when we got them off each other. They were reprimanded. Only 9 of us, so this shit really stirred things up. Must have been some kinda disagreement. But everyone's fucking tired. Climbing drills are tomorrow.

June 1st, 2019 The ropes were cut. Or frayed. Or old, or something. It's my fault, isn't it? If I didn't pull so hard then Hwang wouldn't have fallen. Everything's okay. He said it wasn't cause of me. They took him out for a short medical leave. Hope he's okay. But I'm still shaking. I'd only tell you this kinda stuff, God.

June 5th, 2019 There's only 6 of us right now in the unit right now until the others get back. Feels real quiet right about now. No one really wanted to talk. Least, not to me. I still got Woobin but he seems like something's real wrong. Shin's got the world under his feet, though, the way he's strutting everywhere. Kept trying to show me his rabbit pelt. Freak.

July 7th, 2019 That fucking knocking again. A slam. Piss off so I can sleep already.

July 19th, 2019 It's raining. Real hard. Had to go fix something and found Shin out there doing... something. Whatever it is, he didn't like that I caught him and fuck I don't know what to do. It can't have been something bad, right? I didn't really see. It was dark.

July 23rd, 2019 I'm gonna kill that piece of shit. What kinda asshole takes a picture of my mom and just. He's dead. Next week. Mark my words, God. I'm confessing ahead of time if something happens. I'm kicking his ass when he comes around.

July 29th, 2019 The fucker still lives. Unfortunately. Opened my eyes and saw him hovering over my bunk. I swear. I saw it. How long was he standing there? How many days? Shouldn't think too much of it...

August 2nd, 2019 I looked over and he was just sitting up in bed like that. Awake. I don't think he ever sleeps, come to think of it. Woobin said the same thing. I started to keep my knife with my under my pillow.

September 6th, 2019 We woke up and Shin was gone from his bed. Nothing from the usual. C.O. came in and told us the military officers came and got him. Said what happened stays with us. They're making Woobin testify but he won't tell me what happened. Guess I'll never really find out. Gotta keep an eye on the news maybe later. Feel like I need to take 8 showers though. Maybe 10. Hopefully there won't be too much to write about now.

September 30th, 2019 Holy shit. Just a little bit longer and I'll be outta here. Sgt. Park speaking. Cool, right? I should have something positive here after all that. Everything seems like it's okay again. I think. I guess I thought about it a little more... All sorta guys come through here and you never know who's gonna end up being totally insane. I left out some details but, God, I'm sure you saw what happened anyways.

October 15th, 2019 One more month! I get to lead new recruits today. I asked Woobin to help and he still almost passed out running with us. Guess some guys really don't get that fit here, haha. Here's hoping we can still be friends when we leave. He's outta here next week... Gonna miss him something awful.

November 10th, 2019 I'm free!!! Gonna stay with the family again for a bit until we get my place figured out. Don't really plan on going to school or anything, but dad helped me find a job at some restaurant. I gotta go to Gangnam for it since it's all ritzy but it pays well. I'm kinda excited. Really feels like I started over again... Also, went to the bar still in my fatigues ( yeah, I know, I was lazy ). Craziest thing, the people you meet again. Some guy in uniform, another in a sparkly jacket. Funny where we end up.

December 2nd, 2019 Saw the guys yesterday. We got super smashed and they said I climbed a tree. Wait. Why am I still writing? Nothing interesting is going on. Let's not make this a habit.

January 8th, 2020 Nevermind. Something kinda crazy happened. Went to Vampire Den for the open mic night again. Just to sing. I got that card again. This shiny one. I guess I must have been outta my mind and had it in me to go for an audition. It was worth a shot. I'm almost at the limit they accept trainees. Fuck what am I doing? Shit.

January 9th, 2020 The call came. I made it. They said I gotta move into the dorms now. At least I got a couple months to myself.

January 20th, 2020 Shit man. So many kids around... This kid ( had a real unique name ) I'm roommates with said that he's graduating high school soon. Crazy... I think I'm in way over my head if this is how things are gonna be, but fuck it, right? At least I can still keep my job. Guess I'll just start making some friends around here. There's plenty of guys my age. Yushin's even here, too. Well, anyway. I don't gotta keep writing in this right now so see you later.

July 24th, 2020 Hey guess who's gonna be in a band again? Well kinda. It's still a bunch of practicing. We'll see what happens but I'm feeling optimistic, I think.

April 21st, 2021 This just in for another episode of Shit Sucks... They pulled the band stuff. I guess there weren't gonna be enough resources for it. Dunno what to do now. Feels like everything's crumbling apart around me. I can just hide away in my room for the rest of the year, right? Just not sure what they're gonna do with me now. Gotta get better at dancing. I'll do it later.

May 23rd, 2021 Shit just keeps happening. I saw her with someone else. I don't want an explanation. I'm tired of this push and pull shit. Going here and there without saying much. She lit my heart on fire and put it out with her fucking shoe. I loved her. At least, I think I did. I guess that doesn't matter now. Nothing should have come from that day and why did I even bother going through with it. Over and over again. Wasted my own heart. Nothing matters anymore, does it? Fuck it all. I should go somewhere. Don't look now, God.

August 17th, 2021 I guess some okay things can happen. But these blind dates the guys keep trying to set me up on are a waste of time. Better to not put in effort like that. Anyway, dad's heart thing has gotten better, too. He wanted me to start picking up his new medicine after practice every day.

September 19th, 2021 It's hard to want to sing again. Or want to do much of anything again. Maybe I'll get better by next year.

September 25th, 2021 Met this girl. Well, already did. Sometimes, she'd be at the pharmacy when I picked things up. There's dimples in her cheeks when she smiles at me. I mentioned I was interested in producing music and she asked me for some pointers. We're meeting next week so I can help her, I guess. Worth a shot. Come to think of it, I think we went to the same high school.

October 18th, 2021 She's cute. Fuck, I'm so screwed. I remember now. I sneezed on her in the hallway once. She said it was two times, but I don't remember the first one. We already talked a lot. It's weird. Something dangerous about her. I'll watch my step...

October 31st, 2021 I feel drunk even though I'm not. She said she liked me and I wanted to run. I think I already like her, too. I just can't be what she needs right now. I shouldn't be writing this stuff down. I'll save it for songs. My own head. See you.

December 5th, 2021 She said there's a beauty in being impulsive. She is coy and bold. She wants to kiss my cheek because something compels her to. She yearns to see me. I can't forget anything she says. She speaks in poetry and laughs in music. I don't flinch when she reaches out to touch me. So.. What now...? I kissed her on the shores of some snowy Sokcho beach. When she says now that there's nothing innocent about the way I kiss her with that smirk of hers. When she said she's looking for someone to break her heart because she's just being realistic. Not to feel burdened because I make her happy. She'll be patient for me. I think I might be going a little crazy. Emotionally, spiritually. She makes me want to sing again.

December 1st, 2022 Aside from one good thing, this year was kind of a bust. Hoping for a better one next year. Fuck, I'm getting old. Did they forget about me?

March 20th, 2023 Finally got a project! With actual songs. Not sure what it's gonna entail but ... here goes nothing, as usual. :)

March 30th, 2023 And when it comes to spring, I learned that it's made of heartbreak and not love.

August 12th, 2023 Fuck, what am I doing with my life? It's so close I can taste it but I can't help but feel like there's so much missing.

October 30th, 2023 What am I doing? Part two. Everything is all jumbled up. There's nowhere to put that anger brewing in my head. I almost messed up my hand because of it and ruined everything for myself. Might start writing some songs again...

December 1st, 2023 The first birthday I really felt like I deserved. I guess I made it this far, huh? And there are people who care about me, love me. It's still really overwhelming to think about, but looking back, this is what I always needed. And I should have been more grateful for what I have around me in the form of other people.

January 1st, 2024 I think it's gonna be a great year. Love is real.

January 14th, 2024 Oh. Fuck.

#✱ ㅡ alone with my thoughts. ( solo )

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tinamaetales · 2 months

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You’re not sorry

“So you’re apologizing…..Ok, I don’t forgive you……No, I’m not gonna give you closure. You don’t get that. You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life. You have to know that it’s never, ever going to be okay……I’m not gonna feel better and I’m not gonna be your prop so you can feel better” - Herb Kazaz, BoJack Horseman Ep. 8 Season 1 “The Telescope”

It has been five years since the last time I stepped foot inside my Psychiatrist's office and now looking back there's a part of me that screams I should have continued my therapy....but the thing is I really cannot afford it. And now, I have become messier than ever. My depression got worse and I'm just trying to survive each day. That's the keyword, trying. I used a lot of distractions though, good and bad. Good distractions are the music of my fave, iKON, and watching Miami Heat games. Bad distractions are spending an awful amount of time watching tiktoks of those who are as mentally ill as I am because instead of going to therapy we just rely on the internet to have some sense of belongingness especially when you feel like no one is really on your side. And I do feel that most of the time......I feel like no one truly understands and no one actually believes that I am struggling badly. I'm mentally unstable despite the fact that I do not have a proper diagnosis about my condition. I just know. Why? Because it's my mind and my body. I can feel it. For fuck's sake, I live with it.

What I noticed in our society is that it is easier to doubt someone who is vocal about their struggles instead of believing them and supporting them. It is easier for our society to gaslight someone into thinking that they are just allowing themselves to be weak instead of understanding them. And when someone decides to end their life, it's either people would finally get it and feel remorseful that they should have seen the signs or they would still say that the generation of today is just not mentally strong enough to handle life. And then there's another scenario, someone will be badly mentally fckd up that they end up being a horrible person then they will treat others horribly too. Hurt people will hurt people and so the cycle never ends.

As I mentioned earlier, I used a lot of distractions as I try to live each day. For someone like me who hates going outside and prefers to be alone, binge watching shows on streaming apps is a form of distraction. I’m not really picky when it comes to movies or series that I watch though, I just want the plot to make sense and not be over the top with so many plot twists and unnecessary “different” endings. One of the series I ended up loving is BoJack Horseman.

BoJack Horseman is not an easy to watch show. Yes it started as a quirky show about a former lead star of a successful 90s sitcom but as it progressed, it showed the harsh reality of the entertainment industry and how not being held accountable for your fuckery can make you a monster. It's crazy because BoJack as the main character of this show is not likable at all (at least for me). Throughout the show you kinda cheer for him to get better and grow up but then he always ends up disappointing you. However, knowing his history, especially with the kind of family he has, you can't help but feel some empathy for him. I guess that's the thing about main characters, despite the flaws you still want them to become triumphant in the end because somehow you can see a version of yourself with them. But how long can a person tolerate one's behavior? I do not want to label myself as a good person because I know that I am far from that but there is a certain part of me that knows how to forgive especially if they are deserving. However, when someone refuses to be held accountable for their mistakes and refuses to see how toxic they are does it really make me the bad one here if I chose not to forgive?

The show has six seasons and 77 episodes but I did not feel that it was long because the execution of the episodes are great. There are a lot of episodes which make me feel uneasy about how close they hit home. But for this blog post I will be discussing two scenes from two different episodes because these two scenes are about the topics of accountability and forgiveness: The Telescopes from ep 8 of season 1 and It’s You from ep 10 of season 3.

Have you ever met someone who is too full of himself? A person who obviously has issues in life but does not exert efforts in making himself become better and instead use their difficult past as an excuse for being a shitty person? A person who does not want to be held accountable for their mistakes and people around him tolerated him so he never learns? Well that’s my father. Also, that is who BoJack Horseman is. But if we are going to make this a competition about who is worse then my father is definitely winning this contest, unanimously. While watching the show, I cannot help but see parts of my father in BoJack Horseman especially in episodes “The Telescope” and “It’s You” Both of those episodes have confrontation scenes with a friend of BoJack (Herb in episode 8 season 1 and Todd in episode 10 season 3) who refused to accept his apology and want him to be held accountable for his actions. And I both agree with them.

For context, in the “The Telescopes” episode, Bojack apologized to his friend Herb for betraying him years ago. He chose to protect his career instead of standing with Herb. And he even further that betrayal when he did not contact him for so many years. Now that he learned that Herb has cancer, he decided to visit him and apologized and I like that Herb refused to accept such a self serving apology. The quote above was what Herb told BoJack after he apologized. I like the way he emphasized how BoJack is only apologizing now so he can have closure and to make himself feel better. Because horrible people do that. They will only apologize so that their guilt will not eat them up especially when their apology gets accepted. But the damage has been done, right? Just like what the famous saying states, the ax forgets but the tree remembers. What’s the point of accepting an apology if it does not make you feel better but will only make the jerk feel better coz “yey, finally!” their shitty actions were forgiven. Those kinds of apologies are self-serving. They ended up fighting and then Herb said this line (I really like this one, thank you writers!) “You know what your problem is? You wanna think of yourself as the good guy. Well I know you better than anyone and I can tell you that you’re not. In fact, you’d probably sleep a lot better at night if you just admitted to yourself that you’re a selfish goddamn coward who takes whatever he wants and doesn’t give a shit about who he hurts. That’s you. That’s BoJack Horseman” Now, that’s the kind of wake up call that someone like BoJack deserves to hear. He deserved those words because they are true, he’s a coward. He always blames others or the circumstances to make himself feel better instead of owning up to his mistakes.

Another episode I mentioned here is the 10th episode from season 3 of the show and here is some context: Todd and BoJack had a confrontation. BoJack was mad that Todd did not want him to become a nominee for the Oscars and then Todd was mad that BoJack slept with Emily (the woman Todd dated). But honestly, I think it was really not the Emily thing that Todd was mad about but rather all the other things BoJack did, like when he sabotaged Todd’s opera, and they all piled up so Todd ended up bursting at that moment. BoJack said “I’m sorry, I screwed up” to which Todd replied with “You can’t keep doing this! You can’t keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay! You need to be better!” BoJack tried to reason out so Todd followed it up with “You are all the things that are wrong with you. It’s not the alcohol or the drugs or any of the shitty things that happened in your career, or when you were a kid. It’s you” This is another “calling out” that BoJack deserves because he just keeps on doing shitty things and then feels bad about it for himself but does not actually do things to make things right. At some point, as a friend you will just get tired of someone like him. And while there’s an argument about what led to this confrontation with Todd is not something that Todd himself should be mad about, I saw that scene as a way of having Todd as the “representative” of all the other people that BoJack treated badly. In that scene, he was being called out for a lot of things he did not just related specifically to Todd.

So now we start the discussion about my father. Actually every time I typed the words “my father” I felt disgusted. I hate being associated with him. I hate the fact that we share the same DNA. I just hate him. And before the moral police come here and yell “But he is still your father!” please hear me out first. A child will not resent or hate their own parent if the said parent was not horrible. And that’s my main issue. My father was a horrible person to us. Actually an entire year is not enough for me to tell the entire story of how horrible he was and why he’s the reason my mother, my sister and I are all fcked in the head now. He treated us horribly but always gave the reason that he’s older so he knows better. He always used the “parent” card and always used the “I provided you food, I sent you to school….” monologue as a justification to his behavior. He’s the kind of person that should have never become a parent and a husband in the first place. He’s a hurt person and he ended up hurting others too - he hurt us. His decisions in life always end up with the rest of the family suffering the most. He had this mantra that since he had it difficult growing up, his children should also not have it easy in life. The latest shitty thing he did is getting a housing loan that he cannot afford just so he can brag to his mother. And when he experienced a difficult time getting employment, I ended up using my bonuses and even acquired a loan just so we can pay for this house because he promised to pay me back once he gets another contract again (he’s a seaman). But then he never did. He was aware of this. He was aware that employment in his career would wither as he aged but he did not care. He still continued with that loan despite objections from us; hell, that jerk was even mad that we were telling him not to buy a house. And fast forward to today, I have no savings and I have a loan too. You might be wondering where he is? Back in his hometown, chilling. He can even sleep peacefully at night while snoring while me, on the other hand, is more mentally fcked up than ever. As I mentioned earlier, he did a lot of shitty things to us but that housing loan was just the most recent. So the “calling out” scenes from BoJack Horseman were some of my favorites from the show because those are also the things I wanted to tell him. I just wish I had the courage to do so.

My relatives are very much aware of this situation but they always tell me to just forgive him; easy to say when you’re not the one directly affected by his actions. They even have the nerve to give me lectures about how important it is to forgive and it makes me a bad person for treating my father this way. But am I really the wrong one here? He’s not even sorry. For years, he will do shitty things to us. Sometimes he apologizes but sometimes he does not. But in all those scenarios, he’s not sorry. I do not feel any sincerity on his part at all. But why is it that despite the fact that I’m the one who was wronged here, he’s the one who has people on his side while I’m the one being labeled as the bad one? I am conflicted because I cannot forgive. For a long time now, I tried so hard to find it in myself to learn to forgive not just him but also all the other people who wronged me but I really cannot do it. I cannot do it because I’m a tree that remembers every hit of the ax while the ax is living comfortably. Why am I the one who cannot have peace of mind when I’m the victim? I have been struggling with the concept of forgiveness for a long time but those confrontations from BoJack Horseman episodes are somewhat validating because it shows how I’m not the only one who cannot accept apologies. He’s not even genuinely sorry, so why would I extend the olive branch here?

TinaMae

PS, There are a lot of things from BoJack Horseman that I would like to discuss and hopefully I find the time to write about them. The show is good, I highly recommend it!

#personal #tinamae tales #bojack horseman #forgiveness #accountability #horrible parent

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regular-lord-reckoner · 3 months

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well, what a week this has been !!

our downstairs ac unit and our water heater decided to tear up at the exact same time !!

so, i spent a good chunk of yesterday just cleaning out the space to get the water heater so my mom wouldn't have to do any of it later

that was one good thing about it being 59 degrees down there! the upstairs one still works just fine but like....hot air rises so i even double checked, but yeah, 70 degrees with the fan on and it didn't do a damn thing for the downstairs so

anyway

i got it all cleared out and a plumber is supposed to be on his way now. he had some emergency cases come up but said he still wanted to come check it out.

my dad had told my mom that the water heater was going to go soon, so we kinda figured. i have taken two...very cold showers this week but it's all good. made the pink stay in my hair longer so there's that

had therapy after that but it was a good session so that was nice. she said i was doing better than i was a year ago and i guess i can see that. even a little bit of progress is still progress and even if i'm the only one that sees it

mostly what i've been dealing with is just...exhaustion. with all this wacky thermostat shit there have been so many nights the aux heat has kicked on downstairs and made it insufferable upstairs so i wake up at like 4 am and just can't get back to sleep

i've been working 50 hour weeks pretty much nonstop for months now but i'm trying to at least not get so stressed during the work day, especially when doing chores eats up all my time like it did yesterday

i ended up having to do all the work i was supposed to do yesterday today which ended up taking all day but i just took my time for the most part and tried not to get too overwhelmed for no good reason

good news, though!! i got it all done. i've been trying to help out my mom more since this whole neck/arm situation started a few weeks ago. i hate that she's been in pain for so long and we still don't really have any concrete answers.

her pcp just wanted to talk about other shit besides this injury but she did at least order an mri which i'm going with her to get done tomorrow so hopefully that'll give us some answers or at least figure out what to do next.

she's been able to get some relief but not entirely and it's also been causing her to lose sleep so we're a pretty sad bunch by the end of every week the pair of us but we're pulling through !!

in the mean time, someone did come out earlier about the ac and i think it ended up being something about the compressor? they'll have to order a part so it'll be sometime next week but i think the weather is supposed to get warmer then so if it takes a minute i think we'll be okay because i can then at least run the cool air upstairs and it should be fine downstairs

mom's keeping warm by the fireplace and has a heated blanket as well and she said at night she can run a little heater in her room and it works just fine so we'll be okay with that and i can take more cold showers if need be especially if it does heat up that's no problem

wild how the other day it started out 70 damn degrees and humid as shit and then it rained and dropped down to 40 degrees immediately

can't wait to see what kinda interesting spring weather we're about to have. also can't believe it's already march holy shit

the way i'm perceiving time these days is just completely and utterly fucked so that seems especially unreal to me

alright, i think i've rambled enough for now and i've typed a lot today so i'm going to give my fingers a rest (lol) and just scroll for a while, turn this old brain off as best as i can even though it never goes off completely

hope it's a good weekend for you if you're reading this, even if you have to work or have some other bullshit you don't want to do. try to get some rest somewhere in there and so will i <3

ps: plumber just got here !!

#nothing bad just my week

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larksheaven · 3 months

Text

i’m sat on my desk chair in full night makeup and a cardigan waiting for my friends to cancel. i have this gnawing, aching feeling like i can predict what words will light up my screen next.

sorry, my friend doesn’t want to hang out as three. rain check? or the more subtle: hey, so sorry i don’t think we’re gonna go after all. i can picture it clearer than i can see myself now, sitting in this room. i can picture me, two minutes from now, putting my tail between my legs and going back to bed waiting for life to happen to me.

that’s fine, i’ll say. i was kinda tired anyway. long week and all.

she tells me she’s almost leaving and i still don’t believe it. i am sat in this chair with my back slouched. my nerves have been acting up all day. i had to film a mock video interview today, twice. i cried during both.

a firework goes off and i’m so on edge it feels like a gunshot. they hunt a lot of animals where i grew up. i think i always understood what the animals must feel. i’ve always believed something’s out to get me. usually because it has.

i should be checking my pizza isn’t burning but i’m just sat here thinking how i know this isn’t normal. i know that this is nurture, not nature, that my nurture was ostracism and closed doors. i don’t remember ever getting out. i think a part of me is still locked in there most days.

normal. a normal person would take rejection in stride. a normal person would not be frozen to this chair to begin with. a normal person would be excited to go out clubbing for the first time. (the fireworks are at it again. it’s like i can feel them in my spine). i’m meeting my friend, and her friend. that’s too many degrees of separation for my liking. i’m not used to this hands on stuff, i mean, clearly. here i am, not moving, waiting for a text to wake me up like some sleeper agent on standby.

i watch them in my head like it’s some movie, laughing behind my back, sending the text to cancel and going anyway. i see it later on their instagram story, they danced all night and had a blast while i curled under a heated blanket.

i started therapy again last week; she told me my avoidance was a maladaptive coping mechanism. i already knew that, but i acted a little surprised to make her feel like she was Doing Her Job Well. not that she was doing bad or anything, it’s just that when you spend enough time alone, you get to know your demons. calling them demons feels mean. maybe little ghosts is more apt.

the little ghosts look like me at different ages, and they all warn me with every turn i take. don’t get your hopes up too high. take a whole lot of photos, that way you won’t have got all made up for nothing. do it before they cancel, you don’t want sad eyes. you want to look like you did before it all went wrong.

i don’t mind these ghosts, though i wish i could talk back to them sometimes. i know they’re just trying to save me from what they couldn’t save themselves from. but im here now, in the end. and isn’t that nice? if you look at me you might almost think im a whole person.

i do wish i could stop feeling so guilty all the damn time. i think it’s self sabotage; i talk to myself like for some reason i’m not allowed to enjoy the full breadth of human experience. like i’m some stowaway in the back of a truck full of real people who are allowed to exist.

i just realised, maybe i should read all this to my therapist. third one in the bag, woo! i should get an award or something for all the times i’ve had my brain put into a test tube in front of me. i would read this to her, but i got a call a few days after my first session. bereavement. she’ll be off indefinitely. i know it’s nothing to do with me, but i find it morbidly funny. we were about to start emdr, an eye movement therapy to help me process something that happened ten years ago. we’re almost at that anniversary. i feel like i should get a cake, or a million or something. but nobody pats you on the back just for getting there. you just do.

i’ve psyched myself out so much that now i’m considering cancelling. i’m fantasising about my bed and not having to drive. my head likes to ruin things for me until it gets me to ruin them myself. i always think people will laugh at me, see. i think they’ll know that i’m naked underneath.

#writeblr #my writing #writers on tumblr #writing #warmup #poetry #poets on tumblr #original poem #poems on tumblr #spilled ink

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000recover · 5 months

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12.31.23

today, i came to a realization (i do that a lot, these days!) about where some of my problems have been coming from.

so much of the shit i've gone through, from when i was really young to now, especially the things that have formed so much of the kind of person i am now, have been around my choice being taken away-- i've been left in a lot of places where my autonomy has been stripped or violated. and that's a scary thing! that's a terrifying thing, and it's also a thing that's happened enough times that i started letting myself believe that i didn't have a choice in anything happening to me anymore. everything became the fault of something else-- i couldn't help that i have a fucked up body, blame my parents. i can't help the fact that i react like this, blame my father figures, blah blah. i could go on for a while with how embedded in me this idea has become. i think it was part of how i justified still being affected by my trauma -- the idea that irreversible damage had been done to me that i could never come back from. and technically on a scientific level, that probably is true. i have a lot of the diagnoses and problems i do because of how severely it affected my brain and how i process stress.

my cool hippie therapy friend i met last year and i did a lot of work together on the idea of recognizing other people as human and therefore inherently deserving of love; and the one person i couldn't ever really find it in myself to apply it to was my father. which, in my defense, would be a really really hard thing; he did hurt me really profoundly as a very young person, and that creates so much deep hurt. and i knew he was a person-- but he'd caused so much harm to myself and the rest of my family, i considered him irredeemable.

i think another thing i really struggle with still is the idea that people are not their actions, and people can change if their actions do. maybe its because so many things happened when i was so young that i've developed this really one-sided, black and white picture of people. and yea, some things are kind of unforgiveable actions, including a lot of stuff i've gone through both as a child and as an adult. part of understanding who i am as a person is probably going to be figuring out what i feel comfortable forgiving, and what i don't. my father has said for a while that he's sober now and i haven't believed him once, i think partially because i understand now too how much addiction really fucks with what's okay to lie about. but knowing that he's a person, and i'm technically a person too, then that same logic i apply to him and other people i've hurt applies to me too, right?

maybe that's part of what scares me so much about being in trouble. if i've fucked up, if i've hurt someone, if i've caused damage, then that's totally permanent. why should i move on from that? that's who i am as a person, now. and i think this year especially, the stress and the shame and the hurt really started to get to me, and between everything going on in my own life, and being hurt by my ex cheating on me, and the things i might have done to contribute to that situation, i just stopped being willing to face it. i hid from the shame in substances and if i made another mistake, i'd just start drinking again. i'd apologize with my body, because all it's ever been to me is a tool, and then i'd get triggered and hate myself even more, and act out again or just skip straight to drinking over it. i justified hurting with more hurt. and yea, it kinda sucks of a lot of people to accept that apology, but that's not a reason for me to keep doing it over and over again.

so what's my solution, then? well, one step is being willing to actually be accountable for some of the dumb shit i've been up to, i guess, but that's hard when it still feels like me fucking up is death penalty worthy. so i guess the real first step, now that i've figured out where and what the wound is, is to stitch it up. therapy time! unpacking more of my irrational core beliefs! challenging them! understanding where and what my real values lie! and, as previously stated, probably figuring out which hurt in my life i'm ready to forgive and which i need to just acknowledge and move on from. maybe get some closure here and there. which, some of the deep hurt that still comes out is probably going to take a lot longer. i probably won't ever be totally done, especially with how wedged some of my illnesses have become in my brain folds. but that's part of life, i guess.

also with that is going to be accepting that some relationships can't or won't be repaired. which is tough, and has to come from me on some levels, too. that's going to be another thing to figure out. and with that is gonna be accountability too. and here's the real kicker; after that, i get to choose to be different. i kept thinking for so long that if i was really healed, i'd just be able to start doing things. i forget how long it takes to form or kick a habit, but it's probably a lot longer than i've been letting my impatient self have.

yea, i did get pretty shitty again for a while. i've been stuck in a bit of a loop the last few months especially, and this whole year has been rough on the progress i've made. i did a lot of things that remind me of stuff other addicts in my family have done. a lot of it was in response to hurt, but that doesn't justify what i've done. i've become so wrapped up in the person that people hurt that i haven't done any growing from it. i can be sorry for what i've done, but i won't change until i'm willing to move on from it. which means letting other people move on, too (is this what my friend meant by the difference between pain and suffering?)

i think maybe then i can start to have the life i've really wanted. i have a lot of ideas of where this is going to take me. but, more importantly, it's the new year! the best time to set real, tangible goals! so i'm going to make myself a list of resolutions and keep them here, somewhere really visible, for accountability. my friend is coming over tonight so i doubt i'll post again until tomorrow at the earliest. happy new year!

#recovery #sobriety #addiction recovery #substance abuse #alcoholism #mental health #diary #journal

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booksandchainmail · 1 year

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Pale 8.1

they’d settled, four to a bed, Avery, Verona, and Snowdrop sleeping while Lucy sat

aww

“I’m doing rounds, checking on every room of students who haven’t woken up already and started breakfast,” he told her.

responsible of him! Already doing better than the previous two (I think they just sent apprentices around)

"I reached out to Alexander this morning and couldn’t find him. I don’t know how concerned you are about him, but you should know that we’re keeping a close eye out and I don’t think you should have any immediate worries.”

right, Ray doesn't know what happened to Alexander... I assume he'll figure out he died eventually, could be awkward if he pieces together who. Though I guess none of the girls actually killed Alexander, even indirectly, that was all John's decision. One of the benefits of asking instead of summoning

She’d thought panic might grip her, or she might say or do something weird, or flinch, her expression giving something away. Her expression didn’t change at all from its default, slightly-pissed-off frown. She inhaled, then exhaled slowly.

Useful, but I'm not thrilled with what it says about Lucy's familiarity with danger and trauma

“So we have that Alexander thing happening, I guess,” Verona said

...oh. Did Lucy not tell them? That... doesn't feel like a good precedent for sharing important information, but I get not wanting to talk about it yet (or being worried they'd give it away). I'm hoping this isn't Lucy wanting to not burden the other two with guilt/trauma, because that would be a hell of a lot to carry herself

She’d tell them after. It was calculating and awful but them having no idea made selling their non-involvement easier.

ok. Still not happy about it, but I'm glad she's going to tell them and that this is mainly for practical reasons (or at least that is her justification)

It felt like nothing fit. That everything was at odds. The sexy music warring with a mental image that was almost fighting to stay in Lucy’s mind’s eye. The school so tidy when it had so recently been at war. The playful banter between the others, when students kept giving them sidelong glances.

I am very glad that Lucy is already in therapy

If it weren’t for the music, then Lucy might have snapped at the silence, and that fact surprised her.

side effect of her implement? Making her more sensitive to silence/noises?

I’ll tell you right now, this is between you three, your opossum, and me.

i love this line

“Your reaction tells me I’m not mistaken,” Raymond told them. “There’s a discrepancy in paperwork and funding, with a short note from Alexander saying to contact him if there are any questions.

hmmm. Was the loophole tied to the school as a whole, or specifically Alexander? I went back and looked at 3.2, and it looks like that was something Alexander said specifically about his desmesnes and intentions to become headmaster.

“For the three of you, twenty-one thousand dollars a term.”

... ok. That's a lot of money. But a quick google was showing me that $7,000 per term per student is actually about as cheap as private high schools in Canada get, especially when you consider it's a boarding school. I suppose three terms (counting the summer) instead of two brings the cost up a bit, but honestly still seems like a good deal.

“Wrong answers could be cause for expulsion right here and right now." [...] “But given the severity of an attack of this potential style and scale, I wouldn’t rule out torture either."

wow that escalated fast!

"I’ve looked in, and the man is as good as dead.” “Not what I aimed for,” Verona said. “What did you aim for?” “To ruin his day.” “You have thoroughly done that. Yesterday, today, and every day for a long time.”

starting to agree with Jessica that Verona is kinda scary

Verona glanced at Avery, then Lucy. Said a lot, that it was in that order. It wasn’t that Lucy was insecure, really. But Avery offered a different sort of backup to what Lucy did and if Verona was looking for that, then Verona wasn’t doing all that hot. It was hard to tell sometimes, but things like this were clues.

1) I love this kind of analysis 2) Lucy is doing my liveblog for me

"I know that what Lawrence would have built here would have overridden the position of the four Judges.”

huh. That ties back into Kennet I guess. Should be a good rationalization to the Kennet Others for why the girls needed to get involved. I wonder... was this someone's goal? To derail Bristow? That seems a bit too much to have planned out. But it's a big coincidence if so.

Mr. Bristow seems to have timed what he did to take advantage of the fact that the four judges are currently three.

... or it could be the other way around. Events in Kennet prompted Bristow's coup. Explains why he pursued it so aggressively: he has to have known that seat couldn't stay empty for long

"I’d love to have an adult we can go to that isn’t, like, Brie or Zed.” “What a thing to think about, imagining that Brie and Zed are adults,” Raymond said, wistful, shaking his head a little. He removed his glasses to rub at his eyes.

I'm with Raymond on this. How old are they anyways? Senior students don't have ages listed and I can't remember if it was mentioned or estimated elsewhere, but we know Nicolette is sixteen and Zed seems to be about the same age

“I believe you,” Raymond said. “My concerns lie elsewhere. Students described this Uncle Toad as very canny, and world-wise. Your patrons seem to be evasive, hiding away from the world. I don’t know what they’re plotting or doing, and my efforts to find out have been mostly stymied.”

On the one hand, I get why the Kennet Others are evasive, especially to practitioners. On the other, I agree with Raymond that there are wild red flags all over.

“I don’t think it’s that nefarious,” Avery said. “Except for the murderers but we’re handling that.”

INCREDIBLY UNREASSURING

Is it at all possible that, even if you had no such intentions, you were led to come here to cause this kind of mayhem? Could that have been part of a scheme, plot, or plan, on the part of your patrons?”

same question I was asking a bit ago!

“A new headmaster will be installed in one to three weeks,” Raymond told them. “Either Maurice Crowe or Mr. Abraham Musser.

I'm voting for Maurice Crowe, on the basis that Luisa Crowe seemed more ethical than most practitioners in that flashback. Wonder if this is her brother or husband? I think a son would be too young.

“You have a bit of time. Not the whole summer, as you might have hoped, but some time,” Raymond told them.

well. I guess this is the answer for how to keep Verona from getting so wrapped up in the school that she doesn't go home :(

“Mend fences and build bridges."

networking time! Might be worthwhile to try and build on the connections with those they were allied with, but also to reach out to former opponents in a "no hard feelings" sort of way. Maybe start with Estrella, since they dealt with her before?

Also, maybe have Avery take point on this one.

“Yo,” he addressed the room in a deep voice.

vividly reminded of Helio from Dimension 20 Fantasy High

Her skin was the grey of storm clouds, she was bare chested, and her lips and nipples were silver.

wonder how Avery is dealing with this

“It’s easier than it once was. To hear the older forces talk about it, it used to be lawless out there. But you know how lawless things were, teacher.”

impressive that Durocher can call on gods for a lesson and casually question them

"If you have less awesome gods, they might give you something you didn’t ask for. Or they might get pissy,”

laid-back bro god is a very funny bit of characterization

Avery reached up, a bit shy, toward Lucy’s face. Lucy crossed the last inch, pressing lip to fingertip.

... I'm not shipping any combinations within the Kennet Trio, but if I was

Yadira was injured, her wrist wrapped, and she was alone. Kass was in the middle of the room. Raquel had left when Musser had. Nobody had walked over. Yadira’s stance and expression might have scared off anyone willing.

good on Lucy for walking over. I wonder if this was an intent of the teachers? Have students volunteering to help each other. Though I imagine if Yadira had sat through watching everyone else get healed while she was alone, that would breed resentment

“You have no comprehension, do you?” Yadira asked, looking at Lucy. She shook her head a bit. “Bristow? The damage you three did?” Yadira asked. Her expression changed three times, so fast Lucy could barely follow. Bewilderment at Lucy’s reaction, then frustration, then anger. “Get out of my fucking way.”

hmm. I'm starting to wonder if I have comprehension? Was it that their actions were too brutal, or too powerful, or targeted against too familiar a figure? Or I guess, for those who had sided with Bristow, this is a major blow to them and potentially to their families. So trying to push the past conflict aside might seem trivializing

They’d played games before, intimidating a bit, trying to look strong as a just-in-case. They’d scared off the sorta-friendly types, like Yadira’s group. Now they looked strong, and they had no friends.

#booksandchainmail reads pale #pale #wildbow

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heart4buddie · 2 years

Note

How about buddie + a lil kiss on the nose 💕

If there’s one thing Buck loves about Eddie’s body, it’s his arms. Strong and powerful and so sexy. If you asked him the second thing he loves about Eddie’s body? He’d tell you it’s the way Eddie scrunches up his nose at things.

Not that he’d tell anyone anything about what he loves about Eddie, because Eddie is his very straight best friend and Buck was a very bisexual man in love with him. That’s the way the cookies crumbled. At least until the day Eddie shows up back home from therapy looking like he’s been put through the ringer.

After he goes to check on Christopher playing video games in his room, he comes back out to the kitchen where Buck is heating up some dinner for them. Hes just put the chicken pot pie in the oven when Eddie blurts it out.

“So I’m queer.”

Buck’s grateful he’s already put the pan in the oven cause he’s pretty sure there would have been a glass and chicken pot pie mess to clean up at that declaration.

“That’s. Wow. That’s great Eddie. I’m glad you felt you could tell me that. Is this what you talked about with Frank today?”

“Yeah, I mean kinda. I’ve known for weeks that I wasn’t straight the way I always thought I was, but I didn’t know how to actually tell anyone. Franks been encouraging me to tell you for the past month.”

“I’m glad you did Eddie. Thank you for trusting me with this.”

“There’s more.”

“Okayyyyy.” Suddenly Eddie looks even more nervous and Buck’s wondering what could possibly make Eddie scared like that.

“Uhm, the reason he wanted me to tell you is because I’m in love with you.”

Buck stands there in the kitchen of his best friend and the love of his life and freezes. Here is everything he’s ever dreamed of in front of him and surely this is a joke right? The universe has never been that kind to him.

When Buck doesn’t say anything back, Eddie shuffles nervously and looks down at the floor.

“I just thought you should know. It doesn’t have to change anything. I just-“ but he’s cut off by the press of lips against his own. Buck tastes like beer and whatever spices he’d put in the pot pie and his own unique flavor that Eddie wants to bottle to keep for himself forever.

“God, Eddie I am so in love with you. I’ve love everything about you. The way you are with Christopher. The way you take charge on calls. The way you care for people. I even love your little nose scrunch.”

“My nose scrunch?” At that Eddie looks at him questioning and it inevitably causes his nose to scrunch up a little bit. And Buck can’t help himself. He just has to kiss it. He presses his lips against the tip of Eddie’s nose quickly and they both laugh at the sensation. From then on, it became part of their love language. Eddie would kiss Buck on the forehead and Buck would return it with a little kiss on Eddie’s nose.

Hen thought it was sweet. Chim thought it was disgusting to have to watch them be lovey dovey. Bobby just sighed and handed them paperwork while telling them to keep the PDA to a minimum while they were at work. Buck was fine with that, because now he had his family. Eddie, the love of his life, and Christopher who was like a son to him. He could keep the kisses down at work as long as he got to come home to a family that loved him and his boyfriend with the sexy biceps and the cutest nose in the world.

#buddie #911 fox #eddie diaz #evan buckley #buddie fic

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suchagallabitch · 2 years

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but we can patch it up good

therapy notes & journals over the span of Ian, Mickey and their children's life. Inspired by the fic 'The Good Part' by @doodlevich

CW: bipolar disorder, anxiety, mentions of childhood abuse

March 7th, 2022 - IAN

I can practically hear Mickey’s snicker about how I’m like a twelve-year-old girl writing in her diary. He’s … probably right but fuck it. Dr Grayson said I should write my feelings down, that it's easier to find patterns in episodes and when they're coming so I guess the whole journaling won’t be that bad. I did once, a long time ago. A fucking lifetime ago. It was a good outlet then, so probably will be now too. Just hope have to make sure my mind isn’t going everywhere this time. Clear head, clear thoughts. Plus, Mick always says I’m full of shit because I think we should have more hobbies than all we do is sit around and smoke all day which - i’d like to defend is a great hobby. But what’s one more - This counts as a hobby right? It should this feels like shit ton of work already. I don’t know what I’m supposed to write, I feel like that’s coming more clear with every sentence I write… Grayson said to write a full page. Why is this fucking paper so long. Ummmmm. Today’s Sunday. Pretty decent week, boring. Maybe boring is good. Mick and I signed on another farm to our schedule, they’re paying us pretty good considering they’re kinda far. They’re giving us fruit too. Like organic fresh fruit. I know is kinda trivial but I mean it’s something right? OH Lip, Tami Freddie and Robbie came down from Milwaukee Friday. The kids are getting so big. Last time I saw Tami she was pregnant and now Robbie can hold his head up. Time fucking flies. Anyway, I’m glad Lip’s back, missed him. He, Carl, Mickey, and I are supposed to go to this axe-throwing thing Carl found. Sounds like it's gonna be a shitshow but I think it’s also gonna be fun. Fuck maybe Mick was right I do kinda feel like a teenage girl right now.

Whatever. Ian fucking focus. I’m supposed to write how I’m feeling. I feel good. Better than I think I ever had. That’s a fucking crazy thought. Shit. A large part of that is Mickey. He’s in the kitchen right now, I can hear him curing at our pots and pans. Think he’s trying to figure out how to use the oven. Dumbass. We have our problems, and probably always will but that's okay. I should probably stop my fucking diary time -fucker’s in my ear- and help him before he blows our apartment up.

Final thoughts: It’s good. Life’s good. He’s good great

How am I feeling today: Good, Hopeful, Content.

[read the rest on AO3!]

#gallavich #gallavich fanfic #shameless us #ian and mickey #gallavich oneshot #ian gallagher #ian x mickey #mickey milkovich #elle writes #bipolar disorder #ruby 🐝#autumn 🍂

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whoslaurapalmer · 1 year

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LULU'S THERAPY QUEST, AN UPDATE

-yes I title it differently each time bc I forget what I titled it before

-I have heard back from 4 people from psychologytoday!! One has openings at the end of the month but is kinda. New age-y and I respect crystals but not in my therapy

-one I'm waiting for a call back from today to hopefully schedule an intake this week!!

-one I have to call today (although I'm waiting for the other place to call first), he seems like. Okay but idk if we'll vibe. He said his patients 'find his voice soothing' and i was like 'well thats. A thing to put in your profile'

-another place said they had new patients on a waiting list and to call to be put on it, which is also a thing I can do!!

-really hoping on that place to call me back, though. Technically I was supposed to and I did but it was yesterday bc they didn't say WHEN to call back so I had to leave a message so TECHNICALLY TECHNICALLY they should call ME again

-I do hope to hear from my brother's therapist, though. Bc he's old but he's such a sweet guy.

-I think I have a smidge better handle on what is anxiety and what is tourettes and which one is doing which bc they both feed into each other and got more tangled up than usual and that's hard to, untangle, with the inhaling tic that turned into focusing on breathing, and which one is seasonal depression/regular depression/my ability to summon any and all previous anxiety trauma and not let it go :) sometimes every day is very stressful but it gets. A little easier each time!

-I signed up for a web chat tonight with adults with tourettes in my state!!!!! This is so terrifying!!!! I have never done anything like that before, ever!!!!!!!!! I want to do it, though!!!! I'm trying to talk more about it and find lots of people to talk about it with. Because I never really had people to do that with, or anybody to help me with it. Which as an adult has become very frustrating so I, hope i have a good time.......

-I also reached out to a tourettes clinic upstate and it's highly likely they can't help BUT I am operating on 'CAN'T HURT!' right now in contacting EVERYONE

-I am on day 13 of a meditation app which I think has helped a little!! I know it's only day 13 and I have to keep making it a consistent habit to really. You know. Feel more from it. And I often wish things would work NOW and immediately!!!!!! but they're a little better. And that's good.

#I AM TRYING A LOT. AND TRYING VERY HARD.

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martianbugsbunny · 2 years

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OUAT Thoughts Pt.60--Episodes 10-13

I have watched through S6E13; spoilers DNI. Also, spoiler warning for anyone further behind than I am.

I had the chance to watch two extra episodes today (even though there were real-life things I probably *should’ve* been doing). It was a pretty good day.

—David and Snow look so stately as monarchs. I love how elaborate their clothes are. And all the jewelry.

—Once again, I’ve been made sad about what the Charmings could’ve had. Their life where they got to raise Emma would’ve been really good for them. But—you know, curse aside—the life they got turned out pretty great.

—I love that Pinocchio is where Emma got her last name from. I honestly never wondered where she got her name, although I probably should have, but this is the coolest possible option.

—Princess Emma was a huge wuss. I can hardly believe there was a version of her that wasn’t tough. But I also kind of enjoyed that in the alternate reality, she was more reliant on her parents. Them having a closer relationship was probably the best part of that entire mess.

—I love that when she was out picking flowers, Emma was singing the song from the original Snow White animated movie.

—Actually, wuss though she may have been, Princess Emma was adorable. I’m in love.

—Actually, Episode 10 reminded me that if I didn’t love Hook to the moon and back, I would totally chill with Emma x Regina. They have the reluctant co-parents to friends thing, and their personalities are a pretty decent match. Also the aesthetic is impeccable.

—I really like what’s happening with Rumple and Belle recently. They’ve gone from fighting and constantly misunderstanding each other and both taking things too far, to being two very broken people who are trying to do the best they can for their wayward son. I think that dynamic works for them now, because they’ve had a lot of marital issues and while Rumple is incredibly troubled, Belle also has some *stuff* and actually showing their brokenness is exactly what they and their relationship need. You know me, I’m a sucker for the raw stuff.

—So lemme get this straight. Gideon lived through twenty-eight years of being raised by the Black Fairy and not didn’t choose to be evil, but now that he’s out of her realm he wants to kill the savior? His logic is absolute bogus, man.

—It’s cool that Pinocchio and Emma were friends in the alternate reality. They’re kinda my BROTP for the show. I want Pinocchio to be like the cool, sage older brother she never had. I also want them to get into trouble together, like racing his motorcycle vs her yellow bug down the main road of town.

—Regina’s feathery red cape was cool.

—I feel bad for Regina. I bet it was hard for her to go back to acting like the Evil Queen after she tried so hard to put all of that behind her.

—Once again, I’m loving the fact that people are going to see Archie. They all need some therapy, tbh, and having the heroes go talk to someone about their problems is the best.

—Rumple (secretly) giving David’s father help finding James without asking him to pay was cool. That’s the kind of extra dimension he suits best.

—Actually, I think Episode 11 was brilliant. The stuff with David’s father I wasn’t a huge fan of only because the Pleasure Island freaks me out, but the emotional connection between David and Hook was beautiful. And seeing David first become seriously unhinged and then come back from the brink was amazing. (Although, I kind of wish he had killed King George, because that guy was a right arse and he would’ve deserve death. As you can see, I would be more of a Rumple than a Hook in the OUAT world.) I think Episode 11 is one of my favorite episodes in a while.

—Lol speaking of Pleasure Island, my mom asked if that was from the original Pinocchio story, and my answer was ‘Idk, but they did this in Kingdom Hearts, so probably.’ If it’s not in the original fairytale, then for sure it must’ve been in the animated Disney version?

—What Rumple did for his sons was such a twisted kind of sacrifice. I really love the trope where the person who’s already gone dark does the dark thing the clean soul needs done to protect them. I explained it terribly just there, but it’s stunning. Of course, it doesn’t work so well when either the two people aren’t connected enough for it to matter, or if the soul we’re supposed to believe is clean has disproven that theory by their past actions (looking at Snape and Draco over here) but for Rumple and his sons? HELL. YES. He’s lived the darkness—heck, with Bae he’d barely even touched it and he already knew he wanted better for his kid. Also, the way Belle responded was perfect. She didn’t get mad about the fact that Rumple had drained the Blue Fairy, or that he had helped Gideon get closer to his goals. She understood why, and she also grasped the peculiar nobility of it.

—Gideon looks like a big ol doofus walking around Storybrooke in that robe.

—How big a deal is this whole ‘Hook-killed-David’s-dad’ thing gonna be? Because now that he and Emma are engaged, I really don’t want anything to derail their happiness.

—Leave it to a pirate to pick out a gorgeous ring.

—I can’t decide whether bad Robin and the Evil Queen getting together is better or worse than what I expected to happen—Zelena and bad Robin getting together. Either way it’s not good.

#once upon a time #ouat #prince David charming #Snow White #pinocchio #Emma swan #princess Emma #rumplestiltskin #belle #Gideon #regina mills #the evil queen #Captain Hook #Robin Hood #Emma x regina #martianbugsbunny reviews

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shxxtingstarss · 2 years

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therapy no. 36

today's therapy session was ok. I wasn't super happy with the content because it was a lot about my mother.. again. But she is a bit more present at the moment, which already triggers a lot of anxiety, but I'm fighting it successfully, mostly with going to the gym and idk, trying to cope somehow, because in the situations when I'm sitting in bed and having anxiety levels as if I was getting chased down a road by someone who's trying to kill me, I haven't found anything yet that helps me calm down, I just have to sit there and kind of wait it out or live with it, idk.

We talked about how my anxiety levels are this high since my mother is trying to contact me in different ways and I feel attacked by her because of how she's doing that. The last attempt was over a third person, my administrator for my study-funding, lol. She called her multiple times and cried about how she's feeling so bad and is scared I might be impacting her health in a bad way etc, all because I adressed her in my letter to her with her surname. My administrator told me this and talked to me in a very serious and concerned voice and was obviously completely manipulated by my mother. She told me I might want to think about that for a second and how I'm acting towards my mother. I only answered that I'm sorry she had to listen to that and that there is a pretty long prehistory to why I addressed my mother with her surname (instead of "oh my dearest and loveliest best mother on earth" or whatever she would like to hear instead). I didn't really have the guts to tell her more and in therapy we kinda analysed that a bit and on the one hand I was scared to provoke more stress, on the other hand I was pretty sure that my administrator wouldn't believe me because she was captured by the story she got told by my mother. Really effing crazy that she's actually trying to get at me again and trying to have some kind of force over me. Fuck this crazy b., I'm stronger now and she's not gonna win this round, not any round any more. A few days ago (before I got the info of her manipulating my administrator) I had a dream where she completely freaked out as she did many times when I was a child, and I had a similar dream a few months ago and talked to my therapist about it because it affected me for a whole day, in that dream I couldn't do anything against her, I was helplessly exposed to her agression and violence. But in the dream a few days ago something was very different. I somehow managed to stand up for myself, to step in for my boundaries and up against her craziness and the end of the dream was her being taken away in an ambulance and her being admitted to a psychiatric hospital (where she belongs, as my therapist correctly stated - he found it interesting that she was taken to a psychiatric hospital because she never was at one; but I was multiple times - but instead of me, she should have been admitted (way earlier of course, still before my birth actually)).

We also talked about why I was and am afraid that people like the administrator would rather believe my mother's lies instead of the truth, talked about the situations in my childhood where that was the case and where she also always told me that nobody would believe me if I told them what kind of horrors were happening at "home". Probably did that to scare me of telling somebody and to prohibit exactly that - successfully. For years after I got out actually. Well, we also talked about how it was completely different with the policeman I was talking to a few weeks ago when I asked them if it was ok if I called the police if my mother showed up in front of my door someday and threatens me and/or won't go away. I am trying to prepare myself for defense, I am going to defend myself and maybe I'm even going to take steps so I won't have to defend myself again (I'm definitely going to contact the local court so I can get a restraining order of some kind against her).

In the end of the session, I had a thought like "damn, I'm really exhausted" and like two seconds later my therapist asked me how I'm feeling now. I told him so and a few tears ran down my cheek because I smiled through most of the session. I do have a few happy moments here and there, which is really nice, like last sunday where I went out for food with a few people from my gym. But most of the time I'm really pretty down and exhausted. I realised that again last week, when I had a weird gut issue, and I tried to "ask" into my body how I'm feeling besides the weird gut symptoms... and I realised I feel just as bad as I do all the time in the last few months - which is really not great. That def made me think about what I'm demanding from myself and how I'm treating myself (as if I was lazy or a failure or sth like that - which I'm really not). I told my therapist about how I finally realised that I just can't go on like this, like I did the last semester - it won't work and actually will do me even more harm than good. It just isn't possible for me to show the same performance I could still show two years ago and I might want to adapt my plans of how I'm going to finish my studies to that. I really don't know how though, but I'm going to talk to our study counselor about that next week and until then I still have some time to think about it. It seems impossible for me to just "stop" what I'm doing right now, trying my best to somehow still get stuff done. But now I'm failing classes - not because I didn't try, but because it just isn't enogh - and if I go on like this, both my (mental) health and my grades / my acadamic performance will suffer equally from it.

#trauma #abusive parents #abusive mother #abuse #childhood trauma #actually bpd #actually borderline #bpd #borderline personality disorder #therapy #mental illness #studying with mental illness #anxiety #borderline

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deerblossoms · 12 days

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i’m deeply fucking cursed. every pen i’ve journaled with in the past month has died. i JUST bought a new pen, used it once, and it’s already dead the next day. what the fuck??????!? like at first, when this started happening, i was joking about a silly little pen curse during the retrograde. now i think it’s me. this used to happen when i was in high school, too. when i was journaling all the time back then. so fucking weird.

kayla and i are on a week and a half break, not talking until the 18th or 20th or so, and it feels okay on my end. i’ve noticed i’ve completely stopped stressing about the relationship. but i’ve also noticed nobody texts me. kinda sucks! really sucks. i’m trying desperately to find people to go see challengers again with and nobody has the time. jack moves back today, finished their first year of college and i’m so proud of them. they’ll be closer next year which will be great. i am making a quick note here to say i’m soooo over the gabby luna sitch that i don’t even feel like writing about it. detaching myself. other people’s lives aren’t my own. and i certainly don’t need to worry about the lives of people who can’t even text me more than once every few months. jesus!

i don’t know. i feel so weird today. i couldn’t get myself up and at em today and spent all morning doomscrolling and watching SATC. yesterday i came home before leaving for work, sat down on the couch to catch my breath, and immediately started crying. couldn’t even figure out why. still don’t know! i’m not doing amazing, i don’t think. i was for a moment, when the cherry blossoms were out, but now i don’t know what to do with myself. i have the day off and i have no clue how to spend it. i might spend it watching tv all day, which i kind of want to do. could watch eternal sunshine and the social network and binge SATC. maybe i’ll put the footage i captured onto my computer. i need editing software so i can do something with it, though. lol! i did just get paid so i could shell out for FCP but i feel as though that’s unwise. is it? i have no clue. i guess maybe i need to just accept the loneliness i’m feeling, embrace it, stop trying to fill it or replace it. stop keeping myself busy and just be lonely, keep my own company. watch a lot of tv.

it’s funny how little i care about something after its time has passed. i was so excited to go see the barbie movie and then i didn’t, and now i doubt i’ll ever watch it. i have no wish to. i finally realized luna and i would never be real friends the way things stand right now, so i’ve stopped caring. javi doesn’t text me so i don’t text him anymore. everything comes and goes. once i know someone’s not interested in me i lose my crush on them completely. i forget about everything, and once i forget, it stops mattering even after i remember. this is actually a conversation i should be having in therapy because i can hear myself kinda spouting BS a little but i’m not sure how to call it on my own. high school was so awful and now it’s a million years ago. everything passes. life is a river and you never see the same wave twice. it’s probably not good for me that i haven’t written poetry in so long. though i remember i used to always say it was a “bad sign if i was writing poetry again”. truth is though, if i’m doing badly i should be writing about it. i’m trying to convince myself to start making art again. fill up my sketchbook with whatever. rip myself from my phone and put my anxious energy into my art. whatever that art is. i just feel so pathetic lately. so nothing. i feel like i could melt away and i would be as much use to the world as a puddle. sometimes i feel like i’m just here to entertain everyone else and i’m not living for myself. everyone loves me, everyone cares about me, everyone’s happy to see me, but nobody wants to spend time with me. nobody reaches out unless i reach my hand out first. nobody even has the time to go to a fucking movie with me. i’m just the eternal manic pixie dream girl. kayla reaches out, i guess. but that’s something else. we don’t have anything to say to each other. when i’m with her i don’t have any passions or dreams or aspirations. i’m just a body next to hers. old wise man with a guiding light when she needs it. and it doesn’t feel good, and it’s not her fault. it’s completely inexplicable.

anyway i’m sad. obviously LOL this is such a depressive pessimistic entry. i’m trying to quit biting my cuticles and i’m not doing well at it. i keep forgetting until i’ve already got the skin half-ripped between my teeth. and by then, might as well. i’m so over begging for company. people can come to me. people can make plans with me. people can do that or i can do things on my own, like always. maybe i want to be alone because i know every book and therapist and person will tell me this is an awful plan. no good to stop trying with other people. but i want to. i’m tired of trying. and i know i’m loved, i know i’m cared about. i’ve just started to feel like a monkey with cymbals in their hands. everyone’s off doing something important with their life, going somewhere, working towards something, caring and living and i’m the little kid on the couch, just waiting till they come home. i don’t feel like my own person anymore. i keep checking my messages, obsessively, looking for that little red dot. WHAT ever. it’s cold out and i finished my coffee and i feel very small.

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