#i blame my ex. everyone was a threat. i was a problem for having feelings

[angstyaardvark]

what's wrong with me bro

#i'm starting to realize i need an absurd amount of reassurance and attention. i have terrible anxiety when i don't. #every bad action or move i take i assume there will be punishment #punishment is my partner finding sanctuary in someone else #it's withholding information for fear of my reaction #i blame my ex. everyone was a threat. i was a problem for having feelings #but everyone leaves #i used to be secure in that #but now i have someone i never want to live without #im toxic #im disgusting #my partner will grow to resent all these facts about me #i need therapy #i need a hug #i need sleep

[gh0vtzb1og]

It’s not abusive if you like it. VENT WRITING, GHOST X FEM READER

So I decided I was gonna write something that matches me and my not so good bfs situation. My bf is playing as ghost in this and I’ll be trying to get it as realistic as possible. Me and him are online, which seems silly over the fact all this can happen but it did. But for entertainment purposes this relationship in the story will be irl.

Notes; Eating disorders, fat shaming, homophobic slurs, threats of abuse, threats of murder, toxicity, mental abuse, attempted overdose and suicide, manipulation, isolation, cheating, threats of leaving, yelling, victim blaming, playing the victim, mocking of a dead relative, abuse, etc.

This is in no way meant to be enjoyed sexually, even if it is included with a character you might find attractive. This is a real story that I am writing to get out of my system and to share my personal story.

You were walking down an empty road in the middle of October, your mind wondering to the new friend you had made, he was certainly attractive and a sweetheart to you! He was always so kind and caring towards you and never made you feel bad, I mean how could he, he was your perfect man! Always there to pick you up when you needed it the most, your heart raced when he talked to you.

You were head over heels for devil in disguise. He had this charm, always talking to you about how lonely and single he was, you felt so bad! He was such a dreamy guy, and he’d been through so much. Ghost told you about his abusive exs, the way one threatened to rape and kill him, it was fucking awful. He seemed to wrap you right up in his fingers, whispering soft ‘I love yous’ that you thought were platonic, he found it cute how you never could tell he was giving you a sign.

Ghost made you feel like you were on cloud nine, he had moved you into his home. Deciding you’d be safer there, you were always waiting for him every day to get back from work, he seemed so excited to see you. To see his pretty pretty doll. Your legs squeezed together excitedly whenever you saw him. He liked exciting you, he loved that innocent look in your eye, one that just wanted a friend. You didn’t see ghost as anything more, that was the problem, that was what ached him each night.

He always saw you texting others, you were so friendly, he hated it. If you were his lover he’d snap your phone, you didn’t need to talk to anyone? That’s why you had him! He didn’t want to house you as you texted others, you shouldn’t even look at other men. Ghost rubbed your shoulders lovingly, he’d make everyone hate you, he’d make you regret living.

“Soo I was wondering, if you’d wanna go try something out, since we’re so close.” He placed a hand on your thigh, his rough and scarred fingers brushing over your leg and up your thigh. He knew what he wanted, he was gonna get it, like it or not. He’d have you wrapped around his ring finger. Whispering soft things to you.

-

Screaming echoed throughout your shared home, the sounds of anger booming from ghosts voice and fear echoing out of yours.

“SORRY IM NOT FUCKING ABUSIVE LIKE YOU ARE?” He shouted in your face, his hand gripping your wrist to the point where he could break it. His eyes were narrowed at you, teeth grit in an uncomfortable expression. “You should’ve just overdosed that night. I wish I never fucking helped you.” He let go of your wrist, watching you stumble back with tears in your eyes. You weren’t abusive, ghost just needed you to feel awful about yourself. Recently you had made some friends, they were considered on your boyfriend’s actions and often brought them up to you. You just shook it off and responded with things like ‘that’s just how he is’ or ‘it was my fault.’

You suffered because of him, all he wanted to do was use you for his anger. A personal punching bag.

-

He noticed you had gotten distant recently, scratches and scars littering your arms as you stare blankly down at your legs. He drained you of the person you were before, the one who talked to others and was happy. Now you were just an object in his home, something to place on his mantle and stare at as he sips a bourbon. You had become cold like porcelain, your body felt exhausted, empty.

Every day it felt like the same, he would tell and you’d just take it. You couldn’t defend yourself or that was abusive behavior. You watched as him and his buddies made fun of you. Prodding at your weight or at the way you looked, he smiled brightly when him and his friends uncovered each and every part of you. Watching when the words you dreaded rolled off his tongue. “She’s so damn fat, like a fuckin whale.” (Reminder guys I’m like 102 pounds idk why he was talking like that..), or “I wish she’d get herself re do, such a sight for sore eyes.” His words stung like poison, your bottom lip quivered as you sat on a couch nearby them, listening as his ego got bigger and bigger. You tried to make yourself as little as possible, if you stayed out of his way he couldn’t hurt you right?

-

“Shh baby you ain’t a bad person. Bad people don’t admit their bad honey, you know that right?” Ghost murmured into your ear. He had finally broke everything you had, just letting you lay your head on his chest and mumble how bad of a person you are, how your a monster and nobody will ever love you. How your a failed mother, how you’ll never please him. “You know I didn’t mean that stuff about your weight. Or your face, you know I don’t care right?” He rubbed your back, smiling proudly as he heard your sobs of agony, you didn’t wanna be a monster. You wanted to be a good girlfriend.

“Ah ah. I know you’re hurting so bad aren’t you dear. I just need to help you become a better person don’t I hm? You’ll learn to be good, I know you will.” A kiss was placed onto your forehead as you cried into his chest, terrified of the fact you were a failed person.

-

“I SHOULD FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU KNOW THAT?” He shouted, a bottle smashing against a countertop as he moved more towards you. “Get out of my fucking house. We’re done.” He grabbed your shirt and shoved you out of the nearest door, watching as you scrambled back nervously, you had nowhere else to go. You cut contact with everyone in your life because they upset him. All you knew how to do was wait by his door like a puppy. You scrambled to your feet and sat outside of it, your bruised cheek resting against the wood of the door, he was all you had.

Your hands dug into your leg as you pulled out a razor from your pocket, chewing on your lip and dragging the cold blade against your skin, watching the crimson liquid that oozed out. You always did this after he threw you out, it was a reminder to be better. That you weren’t enough nor would you ever be enough.

-

Ughhh just some of the worst stories I can remember, I try my hardest to forget my experiences with him.

#cod mw2 #call of duty #cod x reader #ghost cod #simon ghost riley #gh0vtzb1ogz #simon riley x reader #simon riley x you #call of duty x reader #call of duty smut #simon ghost x reader #ghost headcanons #ghost x reader #ghost #simon riley headcanons #simon riley hcs

[imjustavenuxwithaboomerang]

i hate the sparks fly episode of mighty med

i truly do (there is a very lengthy rant under the cut, you have been warned)

1. i despise oliver's relationship advice: "you have to become friends first and then gradually transition into something more" like babes let's not promote going into friendships solely to date someone

2. spark is so toxic. kaz answered a call from his mother and she flipped out and it's mentioned in passing that she threatened kaz so he wouldn't break up with her.

i know that it's a kids show and that they don't want me to take it so seriously but young kids shouldn't grow up with abusive relationships being written like this in media (specifically if, like in mm, the abuser is treated as the true victim) or else they'll think that it's okay to be treated/treat others this way. kids are impressionable and they follow what they see (mm was more of a tween show but young kids could obviously still find a way to watch it)

3. and now on to the biggest problem i have with the episode, the entire episode treats kaz as the villain and spark as the victim. (villain could be a reach but the episode definitely doesn't treat kaz like he's in the right)

as i mentioned before spark was a toxic girlfriend (she also was low-key a love bomber but i'll move on) and kaz was visibly terrified of her. he had to get out of the relationship and because he thought she would kill him if he broke up with her, he faked his death (WHAT ELSE WAS HE SUPPOSED TO DO). spark finds out that he's not actually dead and powers up, kaz assumes that she's gonna kill him cause ya'know that's what she said she'd do, instead she starts crying and runs out of mighty med. now everyone is mad at kaz for lying to her and making her cry.

let's over simplify the entire situation:

boy asks girl out

girl accepts and takes the boy on a date

girl shows intense jealousy, attempting to destroy the boy's property in the process

boy starts to regret his decision to ask out the girl

boy later mentions the girl threatening to kill him if he attempts to break up with her

boy's friend minimizes the situation

boy decides to take drastic measures to escape the girl

boy's friend tries to guilt him into feeling bad about taking drastic measures and initially refuses to help his friend get out of an abusive relationship

boy has to blackmail his friend into helping

the drastic measure ends up not working and the girl gets angry at the boy

boy fears for his life and prepares to be hurt

girl then cries and spins the story around to make him seem like the problem

boy's friend tries to make the boy feel bad for making the girl cry

girl is heartbroken by the breakup and cannot function properly

boy's friend makes the boy rekindle the girl's broken heart so she can function again

boy ends up blaming himself for her heartbreak to no avail

boy's friend makes the girl feel better, dissing the boy in the process

girl can function again

girl disses the boy multiple times before leaving him and boy's friend

now that you've read all that...WHAT THE HELL???

kaz was so not in the wrong for faking his death, im sorry, he just wasn't

even if spark's threat was empty, kaz surely believed it and feared for his life. and oliver, who's supposed to be kaz' best friend was just gonna let him stay in an abusive relationship because spark's feelings could be hurt and it would be rude to lie to her.

if i were kaz, i would drop oliver right then and there and never talk to him again (them being terrible best friends is a rant for a different day) but i digress

also kaz having to take the blame for spark's heartbreak and apologize for hurting her feelings so she could fight nightstrike would be like if an abuser couldn't do their job as a police officer and the ex-partner had to publicly apologize for breaking up with them so they could capture some robbers

basically my final thoughts are:

i hate spark

im mad at oliver

and i stand with kaz

#mighty med #kaz mighty med #kaz mm #oliver mighty med #spark mighty med #the rant might be a little all over the place but hopefully the points still come across #kazimieras

[jester-writing-things]

This anon was a piece of shit and was too much of a lil bitch to actually send this without being anonymous

Hope you're doing okay btw, I wouldn't blame you if you left tumblr bc of little cunts like this

Fr I don’t get why they are upset I was ‘rude’ to another individual (who talked to me instantly and we fixed the problem) like, I didn’t send vague threats to them, and they didn’t do it to me, so what the hell is wrong with this anon??

I appreciate the understanding, I don��t intend to leave from a piss poor threats and cussing, I mean I literally have gotten far worse threats then that (ex: I’ve had anons threaten me with intent to kill or r*ape me) so what they said only agitated me as it was pathetic and they hid behind anon to attack me and they still failed their intent to hurt my feels, all they did was piss me off.

I don’t intend to leave from a couple cute trying to intimidate/damage my psychi, like dumbass, I was bullied in high school too, but they could actually hurt me lol.

If I do leave though, I don’t intend to ever delete my blog as I want my writing to stay for those who enjoy it to read(if a blog deactivated their content is all vaporized), and anyone who doesn’t like it, can just block me, it’s that simple. I’m not screaming for everyone to read my shit, I know it won’t appeal to all, and that’s literally fine.

But if you are a petty bitch who is going to attack me for declining something/having RULES, then, I don’t want you here and I’ll make it known. 😊

#ask #cw threats

[misslovasstuff]

Why Dazai is a complex character

We all know how hard it is to get in this man’s mind, right?

First, let’t take a look on what makes a character complex:

- Conflicted or contradictory motives - Change or grow as a result of the story’s actions - Decisions advance the story’s plot - Create conflict in the story’s plot or theme - Learn something about themselves

 It fits Dazai perfectly, right? Now let’s take them one by one.

1. Conflicted or contradictory motives

- to die/to find meaning/to save others/? What the audience is given to realize is that Dazai wants salvation through death. His desire to die comes with a shade of humor to hide how sad and tragic it really is. Other than that, one motive of his is the promise he made to his friend who died on his arms. You see it right? Dazai’s motives are contradictory because he saves people but can’t really save himself. Although Dazai is on the side of ‘good’ which is actually something that doesn’t really exist in BSD world because everything is more like in a gray area, his motives are more focused on others rather than himself. While on the mafia, his focus was on himself, his doom and suffering. That’s what made him so miserable. People aren’t sure whether Dazai has changed, and they question his conflicted motives. But in reality, it’s very simple. Dazai has no hidden motives other than the ones we already know. He’s not the type to aim for power and fortune. Dazai just wants a bit of happiness, he wants to answer questions that are impossible to answer. I’d like to quote a Dostoevsky saying:

“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment

2. Change or grow as a result of the story’s actions Dazai’s grow is something people fail to see. I’ve read thoughts on this matter and some claim that Dazai hasn’t changed at all. That is partly true.  Before Oda’s death, Dazai was not open to people (and still isn’t) but the difference stays on how he dealt with it. In the dark era, Dazai drowned himself in misery, seeing only darkness and claiming that this is how it always has been for him. Whilst in the time being, Dazai hides his misery behind a smile and happy facade. Bsck then, he made no attempt to change, nor did he tried to look things differently. Dazai was alone, completely. There were times he was surrounded by people he genuinely cared about, like Oda. Now, the thing is, without Oda, Dazai may have never gotten the development he got. Hardly would the things lead differently if Oda was still alive. With Oda, Dazai felt comfortable, not judges. He felt like he could open up with him because Oda would always listen to Dazai without joking around or judging him. That’s the reason why Odasaku was the only person that came close to understanding Dazai, because he was the only one Dazai opened up to. I believe that is becuase in reality, Dazai trusted Oda. We know how easily he can see through people. Perhaps, he saw in Oda that kindness and goodness that intrigued him. He saw such integrity and selflessness that made him lower his guard.  Their relationship was beautiful. They let aside the ranks and always had each other’s backs. Sometimes, between two people, it just clicks. It feels like you’ve known each other for a long time and you find yourself comfortable, you let yourself be. That’s how Dazai was. Maybe, the only thing that kept him happy, was his friendship with Odasaku and Ango. Because those were two people that accepted him the way he was, people who appreciated life and had dreams and goals, something that Dazai longs to have. When Odasaku died, Dazai’s hope died with him. Although extremely intelligent, Dazai is optimistic. He had hope that he’d find a solution to his problem, but Oda’s words shattered him.

Dazai did not cry. But you can tell that he’s ready to. Look at his face and tell me that that’s not the most devastating Dazai you have ever seen. His lip trembles and his eyes give away how hard it is for him, how hard it has always been. This is the moment that Dazai takes the decision to change, keeping the promise of his friend to become a good man and protect others.

3- Decisions advance the story’s plot Dazai is the one who comes up with brilliant strategies, but that’s not all of it. 

- He took Atsushi under his mentoring and hired him as an agent in the ADA.  Atsushi plays a very important role in almost every mission or situation that ADA is in.  If Atsushi wasn’t in the ADA, things might have gone completely different. - Dazai decided to join the good side. Yet again, if Dazai didn’t join the ADA, there would be no Atsushi, no shin-soukoku and probably the ADA would have already fallen due to the immense power the mafia would have with Dazai in it. More people would die, wars would destroy the city and things may have gotten to be worse. - The creation of shin-soukoku The plot goes around Atushi and Akutagawa as the new generation of the double black, a powerful duo brought together for the good of the city, to defeat the greater evil. Their mentor, who sees the potential in them better than everyone else, has forcefully made them work together, which had successful results. If Dazai didn’t make such decision, Atsushi and Akutagawa may had already killed each other. - Dazai decides almost any plan and strategy there is. He plays his cards well and the way he thinks and acts determine the aftermath.

4- Create conflict in the story’s plot or theme - Dazai’s a problematic character for a lot of reasons. He’s lazy, distracted, unbothered, mysterious and secretive. Sometimes, unwillingly he creates conflicts that sometimes as viewed lightly by the audience. Like the shin-soukoku conflict. A part why Aku hates Atsushi is because he is Dazai’s junior  and that he gets almost everything that he himself once desired. He gets praise and acknowledgment from Dazai. The latter, has not acknowledged Aku that way he wants to, but surely he has acknowledged him on his own way. Dazai made him part of the new double black and puts his trust in him and Atsushi. Dazai too believes in the quote that ‘only a diamond can polish a diamond’. Furthermore, we have the conflict between the mafia and the ADA. You may think that it’s not directly tied to Dazai, but he plays a major role. Having Dazai in the opposite team, makes it harder for the mafia to create successful operations. Not only Dazai’s intelligent and cunning, but he’s an ex-member himself which makes him even more of a threat to the mafia. His suicidal tendencies is the reason why he met Atsushi in the first place. So in a way, Dazai drives the plot of the story.

5- Learn something about themselves I believe that this is the point we are all looking forward to. Although we have already caught a glimpse of Dazai considering his worth as a human being in the Dead apple movie, but also in the manga countless times.

Just look at his expression. How his eyes close so peacefully when Atsushi claims that he does things that let him know that Daza’s a good guy (visiting graves and also in the end of the movie...)

Dazai sees himself rather harshly. He judges himself for his past and puts himself in constant misery. Maybe he doesn’t accept the fact that he’s a ‘good guy’, but he’s desperately trying to be.

Take a look to the following panel (chapter 50)

You can tell how much Dazai wants to help and this warms my heart so much.

“Yosano could heal me and I could help in the search”

 He clenches the sheet because of the frustration of not being able to help; that his ability is holding him back. 

HE’S BLAMING HIMSELF.

Like one would say that he’s injured, or that he was shot, but no. Dazai puts the blame on himself like he always does.

I’d like people to acknowledge Dazai’s growth because our boy is trying so hard. Dazai literally went from hell to salvation. He has already found his salvation but he hasn’t recognized that yet.

In conclusion, Dazai is the complex character we so much love. In the future, maybe we’ll be able to see him a bit more happy. Genuinely happy.

(sorry this was very sloppy but I hope you get the point)

#bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs dazai #bungou sd #bungou stray dogs analysis #bungou stray dogs theories #dazai #Dazai Osamu #dazai analysis #being a dazai stan is hard #dazai manga #dazai san #dazai scenarios #bsd dazai #bsd dark era #bsd anime

[dysphxtric]

Mental Illness - My Mental Health Story

TW: Depression, Anxiety, Self harm, Suicide, Sexual Harassment

“You should smile more.”

“It could be worse.”

“Just don’t think about it.”

These were the phrases I heard throughout all of my elementary and high school years. There was never a time when my peers and teachers, would not mention some bizarre, ignorant statement revolving around mental health. Not to mention, my family also contributed heavily to the stigmatization of mental health issues. Essentially, my family approached the subject of mental health with extreme hesitation, they refused to talk about how it affects people of all age, gender, ethical background (etc.) Every time I would say “I’m feeling lost” my family would automatically dismiss my frantic worries and it was not any different when I went to school. My peers would continuously remind me that my pain was not valid and that I need to stop being so sensitive. My primary parental figures, my mother and brother did not have the adequate knowledge or tools to be able to hold space for me. I would frequently hear my mom say, “I could understand someone suffering from PTSD feeling upset or sad but you’re so young and healthy honey, you have nothing to worry about” or the old classic “Someone else has it worse than you”. Whether I was at home or at school, I heard the same ignorant statements spewing out from what felt like everyone. And I could never comprehend what was the point of these falsely “encouraging” statements and why profusely use them? These kinds of statements do not uplift, nor do they empower those struggling with mental health issues, if anything it makes it extremely debilitating when your emotions are not acknowledged nor validated. One cannot expect to simply brush away another person’s emotion, thought or feeling as though it means nothing.

With that being said, growing up, I lived in a dysfunctional household alongside my mother, my older brother, and my grandmother. My mother would always be juggling work, schooling, and her dating life. My brother was very reluctant about staying home so he would always vanish after school, hang out with friends, party hard and engage with various street substances. Now my grandmother? It was not long after she immigrated that she began to immerse herself within the Jehovah’s Witnesses ideology and “religiously” strayed away from us as my mother likes to say. My mother was never fond of religious practices that were not “orthodox”. My grandmother wanted to indoctrinate my mom, brother, and I into joining her religious little club but failed which resulted in countless fights, yelling matches, and multiple dents left in our walls. The back and forth with the yelling was what scared me most in my childhood even if it was over something as small as not closing the cabinet door. I think it was around this time period I experienced violence/ trauma at home and truth be told I was extremely stressed and anxious all the time as a kid. My mother would cover the punched indents by taking magazines and sticking pages onto the indent. Often times my stomach would turn as I looked at the pages covering the area where my brother punched the wall with brutal force. Moreover, I felt impending sadness because all I ever wanted was for everyone in my family to be able coexist and not argue. I was trying to keep the peace between everyone, yet I was always the one that got caught in the middle of everything whether I liked it or not. I would get blamed a lot for trying to mend things for everyone. Even though all I wanted was the best for all my family members.

Fast forward to my pre-teen/ teenage years. By this point, my brother and grandmother were no longer living under the same roof as my mother and I. My brother was living with his ex-girlfriend while working as a security guard meanwhile my grandmother was living in her own little subsidized apartment preaching the word of Jehovah. At that particular time, my mother and I lived in a marvellous urban semi-detached house in a peaceful neighbourhood. My mother’s boyfriend had moved in with us and for the most part I was really happy because at least it was not just me and her.

My mother’s boyfriend lived with us while I was going to school. He was a really nice, caring and warm-hearted individual although I could never understand why my mother argued with him so much. I once told him “You should propose to her, I can see you two together forever” to which he replied with a welcoming smile.

But eventually just like with all good things, there comes an end. The inevitable breakup my mom went through was very bitter and I had to be there for her. Afterall, I was technically the only child that was around to emotionally comfort her. Ironically, the breakup occurred during the time I was being bullied in school. And it was difficult to be fully present for my mother while dealing with a lot of negativity at school. I had been experiencing cyber bullying on MSN by a bunch of peers calling me “weird”, “ugly” and “different”. To make matters worse, the group of kids that bullied me online ended up following me everywhere I went for recess which posed as a big obstacle for my well being. I had to eat inside the portables when teachers weren’t around or inside the girl’s bathroom stall just to avoid being teased. I never felt like I had a safe space to myself where I could be vulnerable and open up. Not to mention, it was a difficult time and there was practically no one I could confide in. I didn’t have a social circle of supportive friends, after all I was an antisocial person. Fear washed over me as I worried about disclosing my unpleasant experience to my mother because she was already dealing with so much, the heartbreak, the bills, work problems (etc.), it was then and there that I decided to lie instead of telling the truth. Ultimately, lying became my cooping mechanism to deal with the ongoing pain.

I kept up the lying for a long time in order to make it seem like everything was okay. I lied to everyone from family members to school peers to the teaching staff to principals to counselors.

For the longest time, lying sheltered me from all sorts of unnecessary questions. No one could really tell whether I was truthful or disloyal because I was able to make it sound believable. When I was a teenager, I continued to go down the same destructive path by being dishonest with myself and others. Many times, the thought of suicide crossed my mind and when I started to think about it and plan/coordinate the intricate details it did not hit me that something was very wrong, and I needed urgent help. A big part of the problem was that I was so used to downplaying my pain, given my family circumstance and stigmatization I experienced growing up with. There is no denying that I would engage in negative self talk convincing myself that I deserved the pain and suffering for not being likeable enough or for not being smart enough.

Sometimes I think that is the thing… people do not understand that I lied because that was what I was required to do in order to survive my childhood. I, myself do not tolerate lying and I think it is a form of betrayal and if I were to be completely honest, I would have NEVER lied to my mom had it been safe for me to express myself authentically in my household.

I did not live in a household where it was safe to speak my mind freely and disagree with my mother. Disagreeing was always the last thing I wanted to do, disagreeing meant I got the belt, my devices would get confiscated or that I was going to get grounded. They say, “Honesty is the best policy” and I do not disagree however, it is not as black and white as one may think. In my situation, lying was not only an adaptive coping mechanism but it became a survival mechanism to keep me safe from harm/threat.

I did not have very much individuality growing up. I felt as though having an opinion of my own was bad. In order to perpetuate this fixated mindset that I had, my mother constantly deemed certain attributed behaviours or thoughts as “good” or “bad”. So, say you were upset about a recent breakup with your partner, my mother would scoff and say, “You know life isn’t just about love right?” and play it like it means nothing to the person affected by the situation.

The first time I ever felt depressed was when I was 13. At that age I did not understand why I was feeling what I was feeling. All I knew was that there was something wrong with me. It did not help when I was being picked on by my classmates telling me “Go die”, “You belong in a ditch ugly bitch.”

The moment when things started getting out of hand was when I was first started my Art and Family Studies class in the same semester. In both classes I was placed into groups amongst other students. In Family Studies I had to be in a collaborative group that would divide responsibilities and tasks accordingly. When it came to cooking, my group consisted of four snobby, rich yet immature peers who were unwilling to help and contribute in any shape or form, I had to become the bigger person and sure enough I took all the responsibilities on myself. Though, it was not a smart move. But I was super shy and felt anxious to do anything different least to say speak up and advocate for myself, so I did what I had to do which was prepare meals, clean, and wash the dishes. At the end of the day, none of my peers thanked me, the only thank you I got was getting groped while washing the dishes and getting laughed at.

After what happened I ran to my best friend in tears to tell her what happened just to find her say “It’s not that bad, you’ll be fine” I felt like my blood was going to boil and I was about to start fuming. I stood thinking “Huh, that is so weird, is this how you comfort a person after being sexually harassed?”

Not to sound all grim but that experience showed me that no one really cared about me. No one cared that I got groped or how I felt in that moment. Let alone not even my “best friend” who was supposed to fulfill her role and be there for me. All I wanted was comfort and to be heard out. I could not even tell my mother about this experience until I turned 21 because of how ashamed I felt carrying around that experience and not having the ability to open up and mourn what happened that day and to be able to heal that damaged part of myself. I carried that incident with me for 7 years in silence because I was scared of being honest.

That specific experience was very detrimental to my mental health. Everything began to spiral out of control, I sprawled into a dark depressive state. I began to have intense panic attacks, insomnia, forgetfulness (etc.) After a certain duration of time, I had thoughts of suicide lingering at the back of my head. I questioned my worth, my identity, my culture, my everything.

The bullying and name calling persisted and became so intense that I ended up missing weeks of school time. Some of the boys in my Art class found it funny to make fun of my last name and call me “Prostitute”.

One day in the early springtime, my Art teacher noticed the marks on my wrists as I was painting and had not said anything until I made it to my last period class. I was called down to the guidance counselors office and was interrogated with questions.

“It has come to our concern that one of the staff members noticed cuts on your arms.”

I sat in silence trying hard to contain my anxiety.

“Are you struggling with depression or low mood? Is everything okay at home?”

It came to the point when I got so tired of lying about my pain that I admitted “Yes, I am struggling, I need help”. I dived into the bullying occurrences, the cat calling, my low grades, my self-esteem, the groping, my home situation (etc). After that, I was told that my mother would have to be called down to the school for “safety” reasons even though my counselor promised not to disclose any personal information to my mother. My greatest fear was that I did not want my mom to know that something was wrong.

Of course, my mom came to my school. She was told everything that had happened. I met her at the counselor’s office just to find her wailing in distress “You are such an embarrassment” and “Your counselor told me what you did, how could you do this?”. When the counselor gave us resources for help, my mother grabbed the papers and shoved them into the trash, got up and yanked me out the office.

The next three days that followed, my mother withdrew into her room not saying a word to me. I felt really uneasy and upset. She had her right to be alone but locking herself away from me and avoiding communication altogether? Didn’t make much sense.

I felt extremely guilty for not opening up to my mother sooner. But instead of choosing to be compassionate and caring she chose to resort to anger. She furiously blamed me for being “quiet” and “not trustful” which all landed on my shoulders again. It was “my” fault I thought.

Bottling this up resulted in a full-blown mental breakdown. I could not focus or concentrate because of everything building up. It came to the point where my mom had to choose between living in a toxic community or starting fresh elsewhere.

And even though my mother kept subjecting me to her harmful stigmatizations, the transition from my old school to my new one helped me greatly. When we moved away, I gradually started to feel better emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Very quickly, I ended up adapting to my new high school where I finally made friends.

One thing I cannot deny is that there definitely was a silver lining to all of this. Although I went through severe bullying and torment at school and home, I managed to reclaim my power and through that I discovered my inner peace after being extracted from my toxic high school. The new school that I ended up attending completely changed me and inspired me to become a more authentic version of myself. It was almost as though I did a complete 180°

My new peers and teachers were enthusiastic, open-minded and caring. The new community I was surrounding myself in was a very positive one that broke down stigmas and encouraged deep understanding and acceptance. My mind was blown when I found that it was easier to conversate with girls and guys at my new school, I was gradually becoming confident and more vocal, and I liked the feeling of not hiding myself away from the world. It felt rejuvenating to finally be heard and seen by others.

Slowly but surely, I began to partake in various activities at my school. I joined the Poetry Club which I would have never considered joining had I stayed back in my old school due to fear of how I was perceived. Ultimately, I started caring and nurturing myself more. My new friends supported me, and teachers began to openly listen to my stories and encouraged me to write. When I started writing, I realized that I could use this medium to cope with my depression and anxiety. The acknowledgment made a major difference in my life like never before.

If it were not for the transition from my old high school, I would have not made progress in developing into the woman I am today. I know that I am not my pain, I am not my mistakes.

Do I still struggle and have bad days? Yes, of course. Just like any human being I have my days when I am not feeling the greatest however, I am more open to learning about how to engage with my mind, body and soul in order to soothe myself during turbulent times. I still have that inner critic however, I have been engaging with activities such as bike riding, painting, drawing, and reading to help occupy my mind which as a result has reduced the time that I spend ruminating. Occupying myself has worked magic, I am now able to reduce and control how much time I spend self-loathing, criticizing, and judging myself. Rather than judging every thought, I’ve learned to slow down and observe.

If you stuck along until the end of my story, I want to thank you for reading through my experience. My hope is that my story can shed some light on the myths and stigmas surrounding mental health, especially within the Eastern European community. I want you all to know that you are ALL valid and I wanted to be able to share my story so that my readers know that they are not alone.

#mental health #mental health awareness #depression #mdd #mood disorder #anxiety #gad #my story #hope #bullying #narcissistic parent #end the stigma #recovery #fyp

[melanielocke]

Lost in the Shadows - Chapter 10

AO3

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Taglist: @nott-the-best @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite

CW: Discussion of toxic relationship

Lucie was under the impression Alastair liked Thomas, but Lucies texts only made him more nervous. Even if Alastair smiled back, even if some things he said could hint at romantic feelings, Thomas had no clue how to make a move on people, much less Alastair. After dinner, they talked a bit more, about books, history, places they wished to travel. Alastair told him that he’d once read Machiavelli’s the Prince for comfort, but had since replaced it with Marx’ the Communist Manifesto. Thomas, who read mostly fiction, found it hard to imagine those books as something one read for comfort, but he promised he’d give the Communist Manifesto a try.

‘My ex recommended the Prince,’ Alastair explained. ‘In retrospect, the book suits him pretty well. It’s about power, manipulation, and he was all about that.’

‘As in, he manipulated you?’ Thomas asked.

‘He wants to get into politics, and I think he cares more about holding a position of power than about doing what’s best for the country. But he also manipulated me,’ Alastair said, showing no emotion. ‘He was very obsessed with his own social status and image, and would have done anything to improve that. I would not have reflected well on his image, so he kept me a secret and made me believe it was what was best for me.’

Thomas was certain he would be a better partner to Alastair than his exif they were in a relationship, but figured that was a pretty low bar. He didn’t know much about relationships, had never been in one, and wasn’t sure he knew how any of that worked, or how to be with someone with such a bad past experience. He didn’t want to hurt Alastair by accident. Perhaps his parents had some advice, but then he’d first have to tell them he liked boys. Which he planned to, but he had not yet figured out the right words, the right occasion.

‘How did you come out to your parents?’ he asked Alastair.

His parents were outside, they wouldn’t overhear. Thomas hoped they wouldn’t walk in out of a sudden, but if they did… Well, then at least they’d know and Thomas wouldn’t have to prepare a speech.

‘I only came out to my mother and aunt Risa,’ Alastair said. ‘Not to my father, nor do I care to.’

‘So, did you prepare a speech or anything?’ Thomas asked.

‘I did, because I suspected my mother and aunt Risa might not understand or know much about gay people, so I’ve mostly been educating them on various sexualities and gender identities. Risa actually discovered she is asexual and aromantic after I explained those concepts to her. Why do you ask?’

Thomas turned red, he laughed nervously. ‘I’ve been meaning to tell my parents I’m gay, but haven’t found the right time, or figured out how to tell them.’

‘You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. Do you want them to know?’ Alastair asked.

Thomas considered Alastair’s question for a moment. ‘Yes, I do. I think it would be easier if they knew and I would rather tell them before I am in a relationship instead of introducing a boyfriend. Since that would be awkward for him as well. Mainly, I just want them to know but I don’t want an awkward conversation.’

‘I think your problem is that you’re too determined to do it perfect,’ Alastair said. ‘Your parents seem very open and accepting, I don’t think you have to worry.’

‘No, I know that,’ Thomas said.

He felt stupid. Alastair must have had a much harder time telling people, he hadn’t known beforehand that his mother would be accepting. Thomas was fairly certain his parents would love him no matter what, and yet here he was complaining to Alastair about how difficult he found it to come out.

‘I know it can still be scary,’ Alastair said. ‘I was fairly certain Cordelia wouldn’t mind at all, yet I postponed telling her for a long time. Of course in my case it could have saved me a lot of misery, had I told her sooner.’

‘What do you mean?’ Thomas asked.

‘She realized almost immediately after I told her that my ex boyfriend was treating me badly, when I did not. It took her a couple of weeks to convince me, but I realized she was right and then I broke up with him.’ Alastair paused. ‘It’s nice to have someone to talk about it. For a long time, I had only him and he actively discouraged me from telling anyone else.’

‘I’m guessing he wasn’t out?’ Thomas asked. ‘He thought being gay would reflect badly on him as a politician?’

‘No, I don’t think that was the problem. He was private about his sexuality, but I think his friends and family knew. I don’t blame him for that, I understand it’s not always easy to talk about and there can be consequences when people know. But I think in his case, he didn’t want people to know about me because I was so much younger, he probably knew grooming a teenager would reflect badly on him. He always said it was because I wasn’t out that he wanted to keep our relationship a secret, that he wanted to protect me from judgement, but I doubt that was true. I never wanted to be someone’s secret.’

Thomas frowned. ‘Wait, how much younger were you?’

‘Six years. I met him when I was fourteen and entered a relationship with him at sixteen.’

Then Alastair’s ex must have been twenty two at the time? Thomas, at eighteen, considered sixteen year old boys children and had no romantic interest in them. He preferred to look at boys his own age, maybe a little older. Despite being a year ahead in his education, Alastair was only a couple of months older than him. He couldn’t imagine being interested in a teenager when he was in his early twenties.

‘I didn’t realize at the time that the age difference was a red flag,’ Alastair explained. ‘I felt very mature, to have caught the attention of someone older. He told me, over and over, that I was very mature for my age, that he couldn’t believe I was still so young.’

Thomas suspected most teenagers would be flattered to be called mature, to be taken seriously by an adult. It was a vile sort of manipulation, to seek out someone young and vulnerable and isolated, someone who would easily fall for such compliments, only to take advantage of them and treat them badly.

‘How did you tell Cordelia?’ Thomas asked.

‘She realized something was not right,’ Alastair said. ‘She realized I was sneaking out at night, that I was barely eating and losing weight because I was so nervous. She said I was “being even more difficult than usual, and that’s saying something”. So I told her not to worry about it and that I was just sneaking out to see my boyfriend. I said I’d wanted to tell her, but wasn’t sure yet if I was ready, and that he had recommended I don’t tell anyone yet. She started asking a lot of questions about my relationship. At first it was in a supportive way, what did he look like, what were his interests. She kind of freaked out when she learnt about the age gap, and the more she asked about how he treated me, the more concerned she became. She’s been very protective of me ever since.’

‘I’m so sorry. Not that it’s my fault, or there’s anything I could have done, but I’m just sorry. That it happened to you. I’m glad your sister is protective of you. As long as she’s not too protective, I mean,’ Thomas said. ‘I know from experience too much protection can be suffocating.’

A small smile appeared on Alastair’s face, and Thomas realized he so rarely did. He had a very pretty smile that lit up his dark eyes.

‘I found it confusing most of all. As the oldest sibling, I always thought it was my duty to protect her, not the other way around. But Cordelia is fierce, and I love that about her. This one time we ran into him while shopping, not long after the break up. He tried to approach me while Cordelia was getting us ice cream, and when she returned and saw him she threatened to expose him as an abuser and child groomer on all her social media channels if he didn’t back off.’

‘Isn’t what he did illegal anyway?’ Thomas asked. ‘Since you were a minor? Couldn’t you go to the police if he kept harassing you?’

‘Age of consent is sixteen, so even if he was much older it was legal for him to have sex with me,’ Alastair explained. ‘It would be illegal if he was my teacher or in any way in a position of power over me, but he was not. He must have been aware of how those laws work and I think perhaps he waited until I was sixteen so it would be legal.

Him harassing me might be enough to get a restraining order, but honestly I don’t trust the police to believe me over him. Besides, I have no intention of sharing something so personal with police officers. I expect them to not care at best and I think it is likely they will be racist and homophobic and will blame me for what happened.

Cordelia has enough followers on twitter and Instagram to get the story out if we wanted to and it’s a decent threat, but I’ve asked her not to.’

‘From what you’ve told me, he fully deserves to be exposed,’ Thomas said.

He was angry on Alastair’s behalf, and Thomas guessed Alastair was right that as an Iranian gay man he could not trust the police to help him.

‘It’s not so much about whether he deserves it or not. I’m still processing what happened, and I don’t want to be judged by strangers on the internet. I consented to everything sexual we did even if it was coerced, and not everyone will understand all the subtle manipulation involved. I know people will claim it was all my fault, and if I didn’t want it I should have just said no. Or that after breaking up I decided to ruin his life by telling lies. He has powerful friends, I do not. I admire the bravery of the people who expose rapists and abusers on the internet, but I can’t put myself through that right now.’

Thomas felt nauseous, the idea of Alastair being manipulated into having sex with a much older man was difficult for him to process. It made him angry, Alastair had given this man everything, had loved him. How could someone have taken advantage of such a beautiful and passionate man? People often accused Thomas of being too kind, too compassionate, of trying to empathize too much with people who did bad things, but he was fairly certain that if he ever encountered the person who did this to Alastair, he would feel nothing but anger and hatred towards him. And he’d make sure whoever it was would never hurt Alastair again.

He wanted to show support, he wanted to love Alastair, but wasn’t sure how. He knew it was a big step for him, to open up so much, he knew Alastair was very private and trusted him as much as he knew how to trust. Thomas was terrified of letting him down, of breaking his trust.

‘Did he at least back off after that threat?’ Thomas asked.

‘I haven’t seen him in real life again, but he has been texting me until I blocked his number. He is part of the reason I came here, something I needed to get away from. You have provided a decent distraction and I am grateful. I have never… had a friend like you.’

Thomas wasn’t sure how to feel about that statement. He liked being trusted, he loved that Alastair valued him, but at the same time he wanted to be more to him than just a friend. But Alastair needed a friend, Thomas told himself. And perhaps Alastair would fall in love with him over time, perhaps someday they could be together. If not, being his friend would still be worth it.

‘Now, would you want to play another game of ludo before I return to the Herondales? I am certain the dice will be on my side this time,’ Alastair said.

The dice were not on Alastair’s side. The difference in rolls were at the very least statistically improbable, but Thomas wasn’t great at math. He won by a landslide.

‘You’re older than me,’ Thomas offered as an explanation.

Alastair frowned. ‘Only by a few months, and what does that have to do with anything?’

‘I have a theory that dice games like this one favor the young,’ Thomas explained. ‘I used to play this game with my sisters and I always did better. Of course, Barbara would usually let me win with games, but that’s difficult with a game like this. But most of my friends are younger than me, and with Lucie I don’t have nearly this amount of luck. And when I played with my younger cousin Alexander, my rolls are as pathetic as yours. Of course, that’s for the best because he’s three and he throws the game across the room when he loses.’

‘Nothing you just said makes sense,’ Alastair pointed out. ‘The dice can’t tell how old you are.’

‘Perhaps there’s a little spirit in there,’ Thomas said with a smile. ‘Something that realizes if little Alexander loses, painful things will happen to it. It probably dreads the day Alexander will play against children his age.’

Thomas guessed that might not be the best idea, at that age all children were sore losers. Most three year olds didn’t play together yet anyway, it was more parallel play what they did. Alastair left after losing another game, and at the end Thomas might have convinced him of his theory.

‘I’ll meet you here after breakfast for another walk,’ Alastair said with a small smile that made Thomas’ heart race. He hoped he wasn’t showing that. Would Alastair suspect Thomas liked him, now that he knew Thomas was gay? He wasn’t sure if he wanted Alastair to. If Alastair returned his feelings, sure. But if not, what if Alastair would retreat in his shell again, what if he didn’t want to be his friend anymore?

‘See you tomorrow,’ Thomas said. ‘Good night.’

Thomas didn’t sleep well that night. He dreamt of a castle, surrounded by dark forest. He didn’t know where he was, or what was happening. On a surface level, it didn’t even seem so scary but a voice inside Thomas was telling him to run as fast as he could to get away from there, yet he couldn’t move. He wasn’t sure what he was running from exactly, but he woke up drenched in sweat at six in the morning. He didn’t feel rested exactly, but didn’t think he’d fall asleep again, so instead he changed the sheets on his bed and took a quick shower before putting on some clothes.

It would probably be some time until Alastair showed up, so Thomas made breakfast, and took his time to eat before settling in the garden. Gnomes were early risers, and Thomas liked watching them run around. Here they weren’t used to being seen though, and any indication that Thomas did see resulted in them running away and hiding, peeking out of the bushes on occasion to see if he was still there. Thomas put out a plate of cookies, perhaps they would become more trusting to humans who could see them overtime.

He sat there, reading a book Lucie had given him a while back. Ever since Thomas had told her he liked boys, Lucie had recommended books about queer men and right now he was reading Winter’s Orbit, a science fiction story about two men in an arranged political marriage. The amount of miscommunication and hopeless pining was almost painful to read, but also enjoyable. Thomas guessed he wasn’t much better, he still had no idea how to tell Alastair how he felt. Hopefully, he could finish the book before dying, he desperately wanted to know if these two could figure out their feelings for each other before it was too late.

‘What are you reading?’

Thomas looked up to see Alastair, dressed in a black Metallica t shirt and black jeans. He summarized the book he was reading.

‘It was a gift from Lucie,’ he said.

‘It sounds interesting,’ Alastair said. ‘I like books with some political drama. Can I borrow it when you finish?’

‘Sure. And in case I don’t get to finish it, I’ll write you into my will and leave you this book.’

Alastair groaned. ‘Please do not make jokes about you dying.’

Thomas sometimes felt like making jokes about it was the only way to cope. In reality, the idea that he was very likely to die was terrifying, even if the people around him kept assuring him he was going to be fine.

‘Sorry. I hope you’ll like this book. Although… one of the main characters was abused by a previous partner. Would that be an issue?’

Alastair tilted his head. ‘I think then maybe I should wait until I read it. That’s difficult with reading fiction, not all authors offer content warnings and going in unprepared can be devastating. When I know it’s coming… It’s easier, but I’m not sure if I want to do that right now solely to read a book.’

Thomas nodded. ‘I can imagine. If you want any books that don’t have topics that are triggering for you, I’ll try and see if I have anything. Or you can ask Lucie.’

‘I’ll think about it. Being able to read fiction while being prepared through content warnings is something I’m trying to work towards. No idea how long that will take, according to my therapist I’m too impatient. You coming? This early, there might still be some hedgehogs,’ Alastair said with a grin.

‘You really like hedgehogs,’ Thomas pointed out.

‘When I was a child I wanted one for a pet, but my parents didn’t think that was a good idea. Instead, I could have a goldfish. They’re very popular in Iran, people get them for the Persian new year celebration, Nowruz. People usually release them into a river or pond after the celebration, so that’s what Risa did. My parents weren’t too happy about it. At the time, I believed he would probably be happier there anyway than in a bowl, but it is likely he died within days. I don’t think it’s good for the environment either, and many Iranians are pushing back against the tradition because of that. Did you have pets growing up?’

‘Most of my childhood, because I was so sick, my parents didn’t think it was a good idea. They were afraid a pet might carry diseases I would be more vulnerable to,’ Thomas said. ‘But I hope I can adopt cats someday. And Barbara and Oliver have two guinea pigs.’

‘My cousin Jem has a cat,’ Alastair said. ‘Little beast hates everyone, but adores Jem.’

‘Do you see him often?’ Thomas asked. ‘Jem, I mean.’

‘Not really. My father never wanted him near our family, I think because he was afraid Jem would see right through him. But now that we don’t live with Father anymore, I see him occasionally. He offered me to come live with him, but I’m not sure. I still feel like I barely know him.’

They didn’t find any hedgehogs during their walk, presumably because the fog had gotten so thick they wouldn’t see any if they were there. Although Thomas was fairly certain they were taking the same route they had yesterday and during their first walk, everything looked different. He told himself it was probably the fog, but he couldn’t quite convince himself.

‘I don’t remember these ruins,’ Alastair said.

Thomas’ followed Alastair’s gaze and saw the ruins of a very old building. Of course, there were lots of old castles in Scotland, but Thomas hadn’t read anything about ruins in these woods.

‘Do you think we should take a look?’ he asked carefully. ‘I’m not seeing anything unusual.’

‘Apart from ruins that weren’t here yesterday?’

‘We must have taken a different path,’ Thomas said.

‘Sure,’ Alastair said and Thomas didn’t think he believed it. ‘Under normal circumstances, I would not take another step, but if we are to save your life we need information. Perhaps those ruins hold something of interest.’

#Thomas Lightwood #Alastair Carstairs #Cordelia Carstairs #Lucie Herondale #Thomastair #Lucelia #fic #fanfiction #the last hours #tlh

[cathyparrlyn]

A warning to Tumblr and Discord users in the Six and WATT fandoms

Tw for stalking, guilt tripping, deception, suicide, death threats, and hate anons.

In the beginning of summer, there was an incident that showed the true colors of some of my former friends, especially one who has proven themself to be hostile and dangerous multiple times. I stayed quiet about this for a while as I wanted to forget the drama and the pain they caused me and my friends, but recently I’ve found out that they have continued to hurt many of my friends, claim a minor who was a victim of the situation had attacked them, and more. Because of such dangers, and because these people are present in both the Six and WATT fandoms, my friends and I found it necessary that we share this story as a warning to others.

On May 11, the Parrlyn Discord server was created. I, being an acquaintance of the server owner, was one of the server’s mods who would talk to everyone and work with the owner to make it a safer place. This server ended up being how I first became close with the person who caused so much drama: @Chess-exists (Chess).

Chess and I would talk on both the Parrlyn server and dms, and I soon joined other servers at their request. We considered each other friends, but they also set off many red flags. Some of the major of these being Chess lying about hacking into the Sixcord and deleting the server because “all the mods hated them”, claiming they can cry when ready and wanting to pretend someone on the Parrlyn server was dead to prank another person on the server.

In mid-June the Parrlyn Discord faced the 3rd big incident that has happened on the server. Someone jokingly entered under Moan-Jeutas’s (Lizzie’s) username, said “I’m 12, don’t attack me !!” and left when they noticed people were beginning to panic.

I was offline whilst this happened, and when I came online shortly afterward I found a few people panicked. Instantly, I was asked by multiple people to call them. I texted some of them while going on call with a friend of mine who is a young minor, @lakes-other-sixes (aka Lake), who was crying. I was then informed by Lake that they knew who had entered the server with Lizzie’s username. At the same time, a friend outside of the server had confessed to me through DM about being behind the Lizzie account along with one other person. They profusely apologized and explained what had happened.

Although my friend had made a mistake, I would like to give context of why they ever thought of the joke in the first place. When they were temporarily on the Parrlyn Discord, it was just starting out, with about ten people including us and nobody who had admitted to being triggered by Lizzie’s writing.

This friend and I constantly talked about Parrlyn fics together, and one of the things we mentioned was Lizzie’s Carrie AU and how I would have liked to talk to her about it but didn’t want to bother her as she disliked the ship. The friend and I had both been going through personal issues at the time, I will openly state that mine was how my uncle died not even two weeks before this happened, and they thought a small joke could cheer us both up.

So this friend and another person thought it would only be an innocent inside joke between friends to pop on the server and mess with me and some other friends. They had no idea how big the server was or that people were triggered by Lizzie and left immediately.

The joke was wrong, and we all have acknowledged that. They both deeply apologized for it to me and some others. They wanted to fix things with the server, but there was one problem; our friend Lake knew who they were.

Lake is an extremely sweet kid. They were never a part of the joke, but were extremely scared that if the people’s names were released then everyone on the server would hate them. It was to the point that they were crying on the phone to me for about half an hour because of the situation. Because of this, me and the friends figured it would be best to apologize anonymously; not for their sake, but for the others who were scared. So I talked with the server owner and made an announcement sending an apology from them through me.

This is just our side, and I know some will disagree with the decision we made, but I was informed that someone had talked to Lizzie about it and that she knew about the situation and the anonymous apology. We kept it anonymous because we would never want to put any kid into the panicked state that Lake was in, and I will take any responsibility if it means I kept a kid from anymore serious panic. I have also apologized to Lizzie formally, as well as getting consent from her to use her name in this post and offering to answer any questions she had, including giving her the names of the people behind the account if she wanted them.

This mistake from my friends, which they had apologised for, was what led to Chess showing their true colours.

A few minutes after I posted the apology announcement, I was instantly added to a separate group chat titled “Smack a bitch” where Chess and their friend, Aine, had requested the name of my friend behind the account. This chat was highly inappropriate and hinted they would possibly send them hate and I didn’t approve of that, so I said no and left. I then later got a message from Lake that Chess was now interrogating them to spill who was behind the account.

Not only had this bothered me since Lake was young and was open about their anxiety, but also nobody but me and Lake’s former partner had known that they knew who was behind the fake account. They were extremely nervous and asked for help and I said I would talk to Chess for them since it made them uncomfortable.

When I went to talk to Chess, I told them to stop interrogating Lake because this was giving people more stress and I wouldn’t talk to them if they continued. They refused and asked me to “back the fuck up”.

After this conversation, I thought it was over. That was until 3 days later when one of my friends behind the account got hateful anons and death threats over the situation.

These anons were alarming, so I went to talk to the server owner about them. After a long discussion, the server owner confessed to Chess telling them everything they had done to find my friend.

This next part might be triggering for some, just a warning about stalking. (Ends after the screenshot)

Chess had confessed to stalking both my Instagram and Tumblr by going through them and making a suspect list of mutuals I interacted with so that they could interrogate Lake, a 14 year old, into saying who was behind the account.

(Note, none of the people mentioned here were either of the people behind the account)

After I sent the message telling them to stop the interrogation, Chess made Lake swear not to tell me anything else, got them and Aine on voice call, and guilt tripped them into feeling forced to agree to be interrogated on who the person was.

After Chess had successfully got the name of one of the people behind the fake account from Lake, they told the server owner and a few others the name of the person. One of whom was @herequeerandreadytokickass (Lex). Chess had also confessed to Lex about wanting to send anons to the person behind the account whose name they had found out. Lex had not only told me this on call, but also told me that the “friend” Chess was referring to in the hateful anons was me.

Utterly disgusted by their actions towards the situation, I blocked Chess. That was it. I explained to my friends why I blocked them and told them that they could still be friends with Chess, and I left the Parrlyn server to avoid drama since I figured Chess needed it more than me and wouldn’t hurt anyone else after this.

Chess was very upset that I blocked them without talking to them, and I refused to unblock them since they made me uncomfortable by this point. They then told a few friends they were framed for the anons even after previous confessions that they had sent them, and the fact that the anons only pointed to them.

One of the people Chess talked to was Lake, who then tried to find who sent the anons. After I found this out, I called Lake and we both shared our sides of the story. This is when Lake told me how Chess guilt tripped them, but also figured out that Chess had lied to them about how they found out Lake knew. Chess had blamed it on me telling someone, when Lake’s former partner confessed to telling Chess that Lake knew.

This new information caused Lake to become extremely panicked. They were already dealing with stress and just found out they had played a small part in their friend getting sent anon hate and death threats. Chess lying had triggered them more. I talked to Lake and helped them calm down and they decided to block Chess as well.

Chess didn’t like this. They immediately began to spam Lake’s user on a server and also had three friends ask them to unblock Chess.

Not only was this disrespecting Lake’s mental health and decision, but one of the people who dmed Lake had angrily blown up at them. This was @flat-dr-pepper-chasers (Robbie).

By blowing up on Lake, who was dragged into this situation and emotionally manipulated, Robbie caused Lake to panic again.

Soon after this, I got notified that Chess was so mad at Lake, that they deleted a server collaborative fanfic because it was Lake’s “pride and joy”.

Lake had now been through so much and they didn’t tell me anything until it was necessary. I had received all this info from another source because I was an ex-mod of the server and a person involved in the incident, but Chess began to blame Lake and continued to hate them.

I couldn’t take it anymore when I found out that Chess, a 16 year old, deleted the fic to spite Lake, a 14 year old who they had until very recently viewed as a friend, when Lake didn’t do anything. I knew I couldn’t let this slide or more people would get hurt, so I rejoined the server as a mod again, kicked Chess and explained the situation so everyone knew what was going on.

Do to a limit on screenshots the next part of the post will be reblogged by me, might take a second though to add in the screenshots.

#six the musical #we are the tigers #watt #discord #warning #callout

[backofthebookshelf]

One of the nice things about the way the TMA fandom has reached full large-fandom levels of toxicity is that I no longer care if people get mad at me for my opinions on characters! So, some Georgie meta.

(Because fandom is and always has been Like That, I do feel the need to clarify here that I love Georgie, she's one of my favorite characters, characters are more interesting because of their flaws, and I have no investment in the idea that women or female characters are inherently better or more emotionally competent than men or male characters. If I talk a lot about her relationship with Jon, it's because Jon is our point of view character and also the person she interacts with the most. Also, this rambles, sorry.)

I've been thinking about the Season 4 Jon Trauma post and how much I liked the way it talked about Georgie, and it's convinced me that if Georgie could feel fear, she's the one who'd be most afraid of Jon out of all of them. She's the one protagonist we have whose only interaction with the powers has been as a direct victim of them. She doesn't know what they feel like from the inside, like Jon and Melanie; she doesn't know what they're like when they're someone you love, like Basira; she doesn't even know what they're like as petty middle management, like Martin and Tim. What she knows is that one time a monster ate her (only) friend and traumatized her so badly she spent a year in a suicidal depression.

And now her ex - and yes, Jon and Georgie have a remarkably comfortable relationship in the beginning of season three, but they're still exes and they broke up for reasons, even if we don't know exactly what they are - has turned up on her doorstep, shaking and possibly bloody, with nowhere else to go and no access to his home. He's clearly lying about what's going on. He repeatedly violates her house rules. And then he tells her that he's turning into one of those same kinds of monsters that traumatized her and ate her friend. It's clearly enough to override any remaining affection she had for him, and by any definition he has now positioned himself as a trigger.

(Through no fault of his own: the only real response he has to Georgie's statement is "I can't believe you didn't tell me." She's the one who assumes that he Knew, somehow, that she also had a statement; she's the one who suggests he had alternatives. Both suggestions are plausible but we don't actually know for certain that either are true.)

But Georgie isn't afraid of Jon because Georgie can't be afraid -at least, according to her. I'm not sure how much I believe this in the grand scheme of things; it seems like an extremely unlikely mechanism for one of the fears to have. It seems much more likely to me that she's just never met anything as terrifying as that encounter was, and her subjective sense of fear has been massively recalibrated. In which case not only meeting but having hosted in your home another monster who self-describes as similar to the one that was so terrifying that literal threats to your life are no longer distressing would...probably ping. But she's conceptualized herself as a person who doesn't feel fear; it's even possible that was part of her recovery, identifying this as a possible benefit of what would otherwise have been a universally terrible, soul-breaking experience. She looked existential terror in the face and survived, and came out of it a person who cannot be afraid of anything left on this earth. That's kind of a superhero origin story, and I can't blame her for it. I think anyone with a mental illness has at least tried to find ways in which their suffering has made them a better, stronger person.

But whether she's suppressing and rationalizing away any fear she feels or she genuinely doesn't feel any of it, she does frequently behave as though her lack of fear gives her a more objective view of the situation than anyone else. I don't believe she actually uses the word "just," but it drips from her every interaction with Jon after Dead Woman Walking. Why doesn't he just stop reading the statements? Why doesn't he just quit? And, in Zombie, I honestly can't interpret her reaction to Jon when he wakes up from his coma as anything other than, Why doesn't he just die? If he hates being this so much, if he really doesn't want to be a monster, why doesn't he just die?

I really would like to think that it goes without saying that this is, at the very least, a massive failure of empathy, but she's so explicit about it and fandom spent so much time basically agreeing with her that apparently it doesn't. Not only is Georgie not afraid of the situation, but (and this is the part that makes me wonder if she's not rationalizing, rather than being supernaturally unable to feel fear) she can't possibly fathom how afraid everyone else is, and she never tries. She persists in treating the whole awful situation, as @findingfeather's post says, like this is a mundane problem with people who are refusing to help themselves, rather than a supernatural trap that has been specifically built to be inescapable.

Now, let me be clear, even if she were talking to, say, a drug addict who nearly killed themselves because they were in denial about how much of a problem they had, her attitude would be unforgivable. But in this case Jon had no choice in whether or not to become addicted to statements; it was done to him in such a way that he didn't notice it was happening until withdrawal was already incapacitating. He also didn't have the option to leave, as Tim's extended vacation made clear. And, on top of all of that, the whole reason he was in a coma in the first place was that he was trying to save the world. (Neither he nor she knows at this point that he was doing nothing of the kind, so that's really not relevant.) And - look, when Jon came to her after the end of season two, he was asking for help. When he rejected the kind of help that she offered it was because he knew it didn't apply to the problems he actually had, but she treats that like it's his problem, which is something like offering a leg splint to a person bleeding out from a gunshot wound and getting offended when they tell you that won't work. He was very clear that what was happening scared him and he didn't know what to do about it, and her only suggestion was "walk away," which he literally could not do, for multiple reasons.

She's lucky Jon has pretty much precisely zero self-worth at this point, because anyone else would have cut her off completely for behaving like a fucking asshole.

I say "she's lucky" because frankly, even though she says that she wants nothing more to do with him, she turns up at least twice in the Institute after that, with the excuse that she's picking up Melanie to take her to therapy. I don't know about you, but I have never once gone to someone's workplace to pick them up and gone snooping around inside, and no matter how fascinatingly weird that workplace is, I definitely can't imagine doing so when I know that workplace also contains a person I have definitely decided I never want to speak to again. She goes into the Archives, for Christ's sake, and she listens outside Jon's office door for long enough to catch a bit of the recording before letting herself in (so it's very clear she knows who's in there).

Now I'm not trying to paint her as a monster here; Georgie would hardly be the first person to have second thoughts about cutting off someone they still care about, or to break that boundary that they set themselves when they realize they do still want to know how that person is doing. But the fact is that she positions herself as having the moral high ground in every single discussion they have and that's just not true. She is not literally a supernatural monster, true, but if season four did anything with the concept of monsters it was breaking down the difference between "supernaturally driven no-longer-human" and "person capable of caring and empathy." (That's a whole different meta, though, one that I will get around to someday.) Not that Jon is any better, in that encounter specifically, at dealing with a complicated and contentious relationship - he deliberately goads her, even if he doesn't use compulsion. But that's the thing, they're both exes who have had a falling out and aren't handling it very well. Neither of them is in the right.

All of which makes me really wonder what her relationship with Melanie is actually like. We don't actually see hardly any of it directly, and of what we do, well, Melanie sounds like she's still high on painkillers, so it's hard to take that as an indication of anything. But given that people (who are not intentionally trying to manipulate those around them) tend to, y'know, be fundamentally the same person in their various relationships, though it may manifest in different ways, we can probably make some guesses.

I have always been bothered by, and I really can't ignore, the fact that they were getting together at the same time that Melanie was doing what Georgie has been demanding of Jon since season three: she did whatever it took to get out. I have to wonder if Georgie knows about the nonconsensual surgery part of Melanie's process of getting out, and if she does, if she understands how vital it was. I certainly wouldn't be surprised, if she does know, that she's managed to compartmentalize it: Jon inflicted this terrible trauma on Melanie, Melanie escaped the entity that took her over. (Subconscious implication: Jon is a monster; Melanie is better than him.) I would be very surprised if Georgie is interested at all in the fine distinctions between entities; she's shown no interest in learning what is actually happening to anyone in this situation beyond "it's bad and they should get out of it." But it's relevant, because by the time Melanie makes the decision to blind herself, she's in a much different position than Jon, enslaved by an entity but not consumed by one. She herself admitted to Jon that she would never have voluntarily escaped from the Slaughter.

And given how difficult Melanie finds it to talk about any of this - you can hear her dragging the words out from behind her teeth in her conversation with Jon in Flesh, truly incredible acting by Lydia Nicholas, my god - if Georgie doesn't want to hear it? I can't imagine Melanie insisting. Yes, Melanie is going to therapy, but let me tell you, I've been going to therapy for twelve years now and I have yet to have several of the important conversations my therapists have insisted I have. That shit is hard. But I can imagine a scenario where, having been told by her therapist (who, remember, doesn't have the first idea what Melanie is actually going through, because Melanie isn't telling her about the supernatural so she has to leave out a lot of really relevant details) that she ought to tell her friend/potential girlfriend/new girlfriend about these things, Melanie attempts to bring it up, Georgie says kind and reassuring things and refuses to let her clarify any of the details, and Melanie gives up in relief, thinking, well, I tried. Super valid all around, but it doesn't mean that Georgie has any clearer picture of what Melanie's traumas actually look like, never mind Jon's. There's no world in which I can imagine Georgie actually internalizing the idea that Melanie loved the Slaughter when it had her, and she would gladly have stayed with it if Jon and Basira hadn't intervened.

In Georgie's eyes, Melanie is being a Good Victim. She was hurt but she was strong; she fought it until she won; now she's going to therapy and setting boundaries and trying to heal. She got away.

(Except, of course, she didn't, because as of The Eye Opens no one has gotten away, because this is the entire world now. We have no idea how this has affected Melanie. Presumably she's out of reach of the Eye, given that Jon can't see her or Georgie (and there's some evidence on the side of Georgie's encounter genuinely having stripped her of fear, if she's also invisible to the Eye), but she spent a long time under the influence of the Slaughter. It had her firmly enough that her attacking Jon was enough to give him his Slaughter scar. If nothing else, Melanie certainly hasn't had her fear removed, and talk about a situation bound to retraumatize someone who had such a visceral revulsion to being trapped that Elias chose it as his mechanism of control over her. Melanie probably doesn't look like a Good Victim any more, and I'd bet her relationship with Georgie is suffering some serious strain because of it.)

We don't know when exactly Melanie and Georgie got together; the last time one of them mentions the other is, I'm pretty sure, when Georgie tells Jon that Melanie is back from India. So we know that Georgie and Melanie were friends; that's good, that's a good foundation for a romantic relationship. At the very least they know each other, they have some idea of what to expect. I'd be surprised if they were dating during that season 3/4 hiatus period, though, or frankly any time before Melanie's surgery, just because Melanie seems much too consumed with rage to have room for any other emotions, and I can't imagine Georgie putting up with that.

What seems way more likely to me is this: Melanie comes back from India, arranges to meet Georgie for drinks. Probably they don't talk about anything serious; possibly they talk about Jon, honestly, since we know Melanie was looking for him and Georgie talked to him about Melanie, but very likely in the same "stuck-up pompous ass" way that Melanie talks about Jon in early seasons. (I bet Melanie's roasts are amazing.) Shortly after that Melanie joins the Magnus Institute and then, very likely, either she never tells Georgie about it and therefore they don't talk much or she does tell Georgie about it and Georgie tells her that place is bad news and she won't have anything to do with it and they don't talk at all, until, whichever way that went, the Unknowing happens and Tim dies and Jon winds up in a coma and everything goes to shit. We know Georgie visits Jon in the hospital; we don't know if Melanie does, but frankly it seems unlikely. If they did cross paths during this time, it was probably very brief and superficial. Then: the surgery, and Melanie's recovery.

I'll be honest, I have a hard time imagining Melanie deciding on her own that she should go to therapy. It's possible Basira suggested it, but it really does sound like a Georgie thing to do. So I picture something like this: from the way Basira talks it sounds like they've all been pretty much living in the Archives for a while, and on top of that everyone in the Archives has just badly violated Melanie's trust, so Melanie pulls up her Facebook DMs and talks to the only other person she has. You were right, she says, this place is terrible, I can't handle it, there's no one here I can trust and I'm so alone. And Georgie, who is generous with help and advice (so long as it's accepted) and (like anyone) weak to being told she was right about something, starts talking to her. We know Georgie's got good boundaries, and we know she doesn't want to hear details about what's going on in the Institute, so I can see her saying, I can talk to you, I would love to talk to you, but not about this. For that you need a therapist.

So Melanie gets a therapist, and the prospect of going out amongst the monsters they know are stalking the Institute without that protective shield of rage (never mind the emotional vulnerability of going to therapy in the first place) makes public transit an unthinkable option, so she asks Georgie to take her, and she does, and she keeps taking her to therapy, which is, as far as we know, the only time Melanie leaves the Archives in season four, until she blinds herself and escapes it completely.

And so they have this relationship that's built up almost entirely around Melanie's trauma - with a foundation of friendship, certainly, so I do think that if they are willing to work through it they could make it a working, healthy relationship, but (and again this isn't stated in canon but is my speculation based on what we know about these characters) it is a romantic relationship that's built around the process of Melanie recovering from multiple traumas. Ones that we know that Georgie a) doesn't know many details about, and b) more importantly, refuses to know any details about. Now, I have no experience with romantic relationships and serious trauma; I might be wildly off base here. But. I know that boundaries are important and I know that trust is also important. And if Georgie is holding similar boundaries with Melanie that she has with Jon (and, as I went into excruciating detail about earlier, she has very solid emotional reasons to protect herself with those boundaries), that's drawing a hard line around what's basically the past two to three years of Melanie's life, and undeniably both the worst and most important things that have ever happened to her. That seems...difficult to manage in the long term.

(This is a bit more of a stretch, more of the germ of a fic idea than an argument I'm prepared to defend, but I also would not be surprised if Georgie told Melanie that she wouldn't date her while she was still working at the Institute. That's a very reasonable boundary, and it's good motivation - and probably healthy motivation, I do like the idea that Melanie had something to reach toward in escaping the Institute, not just the desperate flight from - but it's also something of an ultimatum. Which is not inherently bad, but it is the kind of thing that can fester, given other problems.)

Now it's entirely possible that Georgie isn't that internally consistent. People aren't! (See: Basira's attitude toward Daisy vs her attitude toward Jon in season four.) Maybe she's more flexible about being willing to listen to Melanie, maybe she's starting to understand some of what was happening and how genuinely impossible a situation it really was. But that has to be a struggle for her, too; it's not a perfect, sweet, unconditionally good situation that teaches you that you've been unfair to the point of cruelty to someone you used to care about. And by the time the apocalypse rolls around, Melanie is, if she's lucky, just barely able to say she's healed from the plain physical trauma of blinding, never mind all the other baggage. They've got to be having a rough fucking time of it, at the very least, even if you assume that they're suddenly both the kind of people who will sit still and listen supportively and talk honestly about their own messy and complicated emotions, when neither of them have been that kind of person before.

(Another disclaimer because Fandom Is Like That: This is in no way a condemnation of or argument against fluffy What the Girlfriends fic; fic is for making fluffy things that you want to happen to your faves, or building fluffy content that you desperately need for whatever reason. Gods know there are plenty of unhealthy parts of Jon and Martin's relationship that I ignore in most of my fluffy fic. This is me attempting to work through my thoughts and feelings about the relationship I see in canon in the hopes of actually being able to write some fic about these girls myself someday, because I personally can't write fic until I understand canon, and so much of them happens offscreen because they're not main characters, and they're written with such depth and complexity that you can't just slap a stereotype on them and call it good. Which is awesome! But it means I gotta do the work, and I post it because a) it's work, and this is fandom, and I want validation; and b) I'm hoping other people have insights that might also help me clarify my thinking.)

#the magnus archives #tma #georgie barker #jonathan sims #melanie king #long post #real fuckin' long post #sorry #it's a meta party #cw suicide #cw addiction

[bakujho]

Strap in folks, it’s rant time.

So, let's talk a bit about manipulation and abuse present in fandom. It’s uncomfortable, but fuck it lets go, I’m tired of the “good vibes only” push that sweeps all this shit under the rug. I’m not pretending to be an expert by a longshot here and I’m happy to discuss, but I have dealt with enough abusive and manipulative people personally and professionally to spot em a fucking mile away and generally keep my distance. Unfortunately, I’ve noticed a gross trend where there are people being attacked, then are guilted into keeping quiet because the Abusers make it seem like it’s not worth mentioning or that it doesn’t really matter... Unfortunately, the Abusers know exactly what they’re doing, they’re really fucking good at it, and they know exactly the kind of response they’re going to receive (because in some cases, this isn’t the first fandom they’ve pulled this same shit in). 

Right off the bat though, lets get some basic facts about fandom out of the way. No one in fandom owns any character: be it interactions, personality or anything else about said character. No fandom creator owns an idea, or has any right to tell people off for having similar ideas/techniques/styles etc. There’s no such thing as a completely original singular thought, and pretty sure if you think of something ‘original’, there’s inspiration from another source. No one owns a hairstyle, a costume, a backstory, a colour scheme, an item, a scar etc etc. If someone has a similar thing, neat, clearly you’ve got similar tastes. If someone has a carbon copy of your creation on multiple points, ABSOLUTELY question it, but having the same hairstyle isn’t copyright infringement, and having a similar history isn’t ripping someone off, it’s coincidence. 

Going to put the rest under the cut, CW for manipulation tactics, abuse, and all those sorts of goodies.

So, I’ll start with the Abusers here. Everyone knows who they are, they know who they are, unfortunately the victims of them are worried about speaking out because, for the most part, the ones abusing people are in a position of perceived power and speaking out against them can put the victim in a tricky position. No one wants to be ousted from a fandom they enjoy for speaking out against someone that’s been around fandom since its inception. Which brings me to my first point.

Power: Abusers LOVE the feeling of having power (be it follower count, general clout, perceived hierarchy etc) and get really uncomfortable when they feel someone new comes to threaten their position. So, what do these people do in that situation? Option A is to completely ignore and hope they’re not dethroned, Option B is befriend immediately and subtly manipulate the person to keep a close eye on their actions. Keep your friends close, but enemies closer amirite? 

So how the fuck does a person subtly manipulate another person, shouldn’t it be obvious? Fuck man, I wish. But there’s a lot of different techniques used to keep people reigned in and submissive: guilt tripping, evasion/diversion, attention seeking, lying, intimidation, playing the victim etc etc. So obviously these will all present differently based on the abuser, but the goal of all of them is the same. To stay in power, and keep control over everything they can. 

So how would all of these present online? (of course these examples leave some wiggle room for context lost in text/translation/cultural differences etc, but for the most part it all fits the same pattern that the abuser would use in a face to face situation). 

Guilt- tripping: “Well you wouldn’t be here if not for me” “You owe me for your place in the fandom” “well if we really were friends you’d do this for me…” etc etc. Things that pit your emotional attachment to the Abuser against you, the closer you are, the easier it is. Suddenly the Victim finds themselves indebted to the Abuser for their ‘friendship’ that the Victim didn’t realize was conditional. 

Shaming: Invalidating the victims feelings by saying things like “even a child knows better than this”, “it’s okay you don’t understand, you’re probably young”, “I’ve been around fandom longer so I know how things go” etc etc. It makes the Victim feel like they’ve done something wrong by drawing boundaries for themselves, or sticking up for themselves. Remember, the Abuser doesn’t want to lose their crown so they will talk down to their Victims to make them more unsure of their stance, second guess themselves, and feel bad that they spoke up in the first place. 

Projection: “Others have done X to me, I would NEVER do the same” It’s a simple yet effective tactic. The Abuser takes the things they’ve done to people, say it happened to them, and shift the blame to the now faceless enemy so the Victim feels obligated to side with the abuser because, yea, those things mentioned fucking SUCK and no one wants to experience it. No one wants to be that asshole saying “no you deserved it” (because no one fucking deserves to be doxxed, swatted, hacked, etc etc)

Playing-the-victim: Abusers LOVE playing this game. It’s their bread and butter to set the stage for manipulation. “Having a really hard time rn, sorry im such a fuckup”, “struggling with mental health”, “this is all so hard for me” (legit though, if you are struggling please seek help where/when you can, mental health is important). So any of these statements alone can be harmless, and overlooking someone's mental health can have dangerous outcomes, HOWEVER, when these sort of statements are paired with the other things mentioned, it’s no longer simply a vent or a way to work past personal demons, it’s a way to gain sympathy and support, and it is very intentionally done to garner that emotional response from those that will listen to them. 

Attention-Seeking: can be as simple as “no one interacts with me anymore”, making a dramatic vague post, deleting that same post and making a newer, more dramatic post but this time seeking affirmation from the good responses of the last post, posting cryptic messages that ooze “ask me what happened” (vaguebooking is a plague), basically anything that is asking for a response without asking. How is it manipulative though? Guilt. If you’re aware of the Abuser, these types of posts are meant to abuse the Victim's sense of empathy, the natural response to these sorts of posts is “what happened, I’m sorry that happened to you”. 

Diversion/Evasion: straight up changing the subject or switching the blame to anywhere BUT the Abuser. The Abuser says “change X you’re copying me”, the Victim responds “I feel I didn’t copy you”, and the Abuser presses “well the fandom might not think so” and changes it from a personal issue to a larger, more aggressive problem. In this case, the Abuser is the ONLY one with a problem, but are purposely misleading the victim to take the blame off themselves. It’s not THEIR problem, it’s the FANDOMS problem...now making it the Victims problem. 

Blame: Abusers love to blame everyone BUT themselves for their perceived problems. Fandom isn’t interacting with them as much? It’s the fandom that’s dying. More drama in the fandom? Well there’s too many people here now. Getting called out for bad behavior? That’s the problem of the person who CLEARLY doesn’t understand how fandom must work. It’s the age old tale of “I’m perfect, it’s obviously everyone else who is wrong”. At what point does the Abuser realize that they may be the cause for their own misery? They don’t. 

Intimidation: This is a fun one that’s usually a last resort because if the Abuser is pretending to be a sheep caught in a snowstorm, it doesn’t look good for them to publicly announce they’ve been the wolf the whole time. It looks like “well I have X on you”, “if you only knew what I could say about you”, and “I could ruin you” type shit. Of course, in most cases, the Victim hasn’t done anything to warrant this sort of aggression, but the queen is losing her pawns and is now grasping for anything to fight back with. And who knows what sort of lengths the Abuser has gone to to gain information on the victim. It’s pretty easy to find out a lot about a person online, so the Victims back down due to the threat of the unknown.

Avoidance: refusing to talk about the problem, which is an issue I have with fandom itself, in this case. The “no drama good vibes only” is so fucking detrimental when there are problems that need to be addressed. An Abuser will push the narrative that they’re only here for a good time and don’t want drama, while actively creating drama in the shadows. Its not a problem if we don’t talk about it, right? If no one knows, it’s fine. It’s fine. No, it’s manipulative, and if there are problems they NEED to be talked about, because that’s how you find resolutions. 

Denial: This one ties in with avoidance and blame, in that the Abuser will straight up deny that they’ve ever been, or have ever created a problem. The Victim is making a big deal from nothing, they can’t control how others feel about them, so they’ve done nothing wrong. The Abuser will claim they had the best intentions when approaching someone, so clearly they have done nothing wrong. 

Lying: Including omitting any information from arguments that may paint the Abuser in a bad light. The Abuser absolutely doesn’t want anyone to find out what they’re up to, so they’ll say exactly what they need to to change the narrative surrounding them. It could be minor changes to conversations to complete fabrications. Ex “I only approached X to make sure they were okay after X happened”, but X screenshots tell a completely different story. It’s not always easy to catch an Abuser in a lie, especially when there’s the push for “no drama” so no one talks about their personal experiences and can confirm/deny what was/reported to be said. 

So bringing all of those points together and bringing it back to the Abuser wanting to have the power to control what they like/don’t like in fandom. Once they have that feeling of invincibility, they may coyly ask people to delete posts that could lead back to them looking bad, politely ask another creator to change their creation because the Abuser doesn’t like it, or them asking nicely to stop interacting with another member of fandom the Abuser doesn’t like. It may not seem like much at a first glance...after all they asked nicely. However, once you look a little harder and a little longer, it becomes very clear that the intention is to stay in control. The Abuser will do ANYTHING to stay on top, and will employ every trick they have in their arsenal to sew discord and mistrust amongst other members of the fandom to keep the fingers pointed anywhere but at themselves.

So, sound familiar to anyone? My inbox is open for anyone who wants to chat about the topic. If I’ve now made you uncomfortable and you’re going to unfollow/block, cheers, wish you the best. And if you’re feeling called out and attacked by my post? GOOD, stop being a fucking shitty person. 

A few last reminders before adding some resources:

Setting and enforcing personal boundaries is not abuse.

Choosing not to interact with those who make you uncomfortable is not rude.

It is important to call out abuse when you encounter it, it could save someone from becoming a victim themselves.

Always stand up for yourself, you’re your own best advocate. 

Now for some resources: I used a few of these while researching along with my old textbooks from my psych, abnormal psych, and human relations classes I took back in university.

Manipulation tactics

How to recognize a guilt trip

How to spot an attention seeker

#deep breath #i think that's all i have to say about this right now #for now at least #when i get salty i get real salty #fandom is the worst sometimes #though people in it can be worse #discourse

[ragnarssons]

dropping by just to say that i’ve seen way too many people judge others for what they were saying/believing and on how they were handling the situation. newsflash: it is not your place to police how other people feel about the situation and what they write to vent about it, on their own blog. it’s not your job to mob attack someone who wants to withhold judgement until bob or eliza express themselves about the situation. it’s not your job to blame someone of “supporting an abuser” because they still want to ship a fictional ship. i’ve seen tons of people accuse other people of being “horrible people” for trying to handle the situation as best they can. there are people out there who struggle with a lot of other personal problems and who just cannot fathom properly adressing the beliza problem right now. there are people who do not want to talk about it, that doesn’t make them “enablers” or anything like that. i feel like what everyone GLADLY forgets is that the second page of arryn’s statement was about how she was abused (she used the word too) by the fandom too. how she was abused by this mob attitude coming at her here and there. she was not just talking about stalkers who hacked her phone and sent her pictures of married beliza, she also talked about all the blabbermouths who spread rumors about her (ie: the paris convention, or the ellie situation). y’all ARE these people: these people going around, spreading shit, spreading your opinions as facts, saying people what they need to think and how they should act to be “morally better people”. yknow, at a time where people should take a big long look at themselves, y’all are too busy blaming others for how they handle the situation, even tho you’re not their friends, you’ve never talked to them, and you don’t know how their lives are going by. just because we are/were part of the bellarke fandom, doesn’t mean we have to be bob’s lawyers or his prosecutors either. we CAN for our sake and mental health, just move on and not adress the issue if we choose to. if someone had a messy breakup and says that their ex spread false rumors about them and conclude by saying “so i won’t believe anything until i hear the two sides” that’s THEIR experience, their right to be the person they want to be. who are they hurting if they’re on their own, not trying to influence anyone or spreading false infos? i’d like to add that just because bob was exposed as an alleged abuser, and that bob and eliza cheated it doesn’t make the bullying they’ve been victims of for years okay. it doesn’t legitimate all the antis who have sent hate to him/them for years: - it doesn’t legitimate the antis saying bob was white - it doesn’t legitimate the antis who called bob a m*nkey - it doesn’t legitimate the people who mocked him when he came out about his mental health issues or his suicidal tendancies - it doesn’t legitimate the people who mocked beliza and said they deserved to lose their child - it certainly doesn’t legitimate the bullying our fandom has been targetted with for years by other parts of the fandom - it doesn’t legitimate the fatshaming he’s been a victim of - it doesn’t legitimate the r*pe jokes a lot of antis did about him - it doesn’t legitimate people currently saying that “bob groomed eliza” - it doesn’t legitimate the years some people have spent spreading things that are still to this day false rumors about bob or eliza or both of them - it certainly doesn’t legitimate the years some people have spent sending him death threats and such every time he was opening his mouth at conventions or posting anything on social medias and thing is, if he really does suffer from mental health disorders, him having abused arryn, doesn’t invalidate that either. the mental health problems don’t excuse it, but his attitude wouldn’t invalidate his depression. bob being an abuser - if that turns out to be true - doesn’t justify y’all going to bully him on his social medias right now, or wherever he is (at least i’m glad his sister’s insta account is private at least no one is harrassing her). it won’t justify you doing what you did to arryn for years. it won’t justify you playing judge and jury on social medias just because you’re hiding behind a screen and you feel free to do so. we cannot retroactively change the support we’ve shown bob, we cannot retroactively fix what has been done to arryn, whether by beliza or by the fandom. we’ve all at some point, read a rumor about her not wanting the fans to interact with bob, or talked about how weird it was that she kept ellie. to some extent, we’ve all participated in the mob mentality that abused her. and that is currently abusing bob and eliza (doesn’t matter if what she said is true, again, cyberbullying is not and will never be justice), and that is also currently abusing some people within this fandom who have every right to handle the situation as they see fit. so you know what, we all should take time to reconsider what we’ve done in this fandom, what we’ve done for and to people around us, asking ourselves the questions “uh, did she/do they feel abused because of something i said/did when using my platforms?”. that’s what would make us better persons coming out of this story.

#beliza #bob morley #eliza taylor #the 100 fandom #and yes newsflash i use allegedly a lot #because accusing someone of being abusive without proof #is deffamation #and you could be sued for it #and i don't want to be sued lol

[sandra-heart05]

I love hunter x hunter and it’s themes.

There’s the dark vs light thing which everyone and their mom noticed and there’s a subtle selfishness vs selflessness thing and finding the balance.

Dark vs light thing is obvious I think I’ve talked about in this blog before but it’s one of the heavier themes of hunter x hunter alongside the whole humanity in a superhuman whole thing which has been dissected by others and the show itself anyway I’m leaving than alone.

Hunter x hunter kinda has a pattern, at the start of the series killua is the dark one while gon is the light one. Gon is a normal pure hearted kid whose just curious about the world and being a hunter and his dad meanwhile killua is a ruthless ex prossional assassin from a notorious family of elites who view assassination as just business.

But by the time we reach greed island they both feel gray, killua has been growing into his own person away from illumis influences (or so we think) and trying to find a purpose to commit himself to and gon has gotten darker with the whole I’ll sacrifice my hands and stray from the plan just because I’m pissed at you thing with his fight with genthru soo.

And then we get to chimera ant arc and it comes full circle with gon becoming the dark and Killua the light. We all know about gon trademark spiral downwards but I’ll go into a little detail.

Gons character is he’s a normal good happy kid who is curious and wants to find his dad, problem here is normal kids have selfish tendencies they haven’t learnt to think beyond what they want yet which has resulted in gon being a bit selfish at times but that okay cus he’s a kid and kids are like that that doesn’t make him a bad person. Children tend to be selfish as kids and grow out of it as they mature and grow and are taught to think of others, gon is still 12 when the series starts so he hasn’t grown out of it. This is what I like about gons character, he a show of what happens when you put a normal kid into the dangerous environment that is the hunter x hunter universe.

Gons spiral was him working through his grief badly while in the middle of an war zone being expiditided by his youth and inexperience of these things. The selfishness comes in in that that is still there shows gon has properly emotionally matured yet (it’s fine he’s like 13-14 during this arc) and this causes him to lash out at times or take too much on at the time. Gon didn’t know how to deal with his grief in a way and the fact that he was also feeling weak and blamed himself for not being strong enough didn’t help add onto the fact that killua was his support but killua himself didn’t have anyway to help given his messed up childhood with dealing with death and we’ve got gon spiralling into some pretty bad coping mechanisms. Not to mention the adults are ignore the issue Bisuke visits but the most she was berate killua and give them basic training while she should have tried mentally helping them instead of physically, gon needed to at least talk with an adult about what happened to prepare him and killuas habits were thought to have been trained into in at this point so talking to him or try something mental to overcome his conditioning instead of psyching him out would have worked better (just lucky it wasn’t training but the needle I guess)

Talking of the needle, killua started to become the light when he took that thing out. He wasn’t held back by illumis control and influence and he was able to adapt and move forward because of it. Zeno points out how killua had matured and i feel a lot of the growth killua made during this arc would have been stunted if the needle was still there. Anyway killua became a literal light in some scenarios and the imagery is very there. When gon got his nen back from knuckles ability and was told to hit morel killua stopped him with a hand on his shoulder with a white background contrasted with gons dark expression, at this point the transition of their positions has already been made.

Killua says gon is a light but just a light to killua. Gon became a light to killua and Killua became a light to others. He save ikalgo and gave him a chance and offered him friendship and Killua became a light to ikalgo as shown by the light behind killua when he says this leaving the clinic. An argument can be made for alluka in the next arc but that situation is too complicated to talk about here. Then he literally became alight in the physical sense. At the arcs peak gon had made his dark transformation and Killua developed Godspeed, gon went dark meanwhile killua was literally and light of electricity and flowed with it, can’t be more on the nose about killua being a light than actually becoming one than this.

At the start of the series there’s this kinda gon has dark colours but is the light one and Killua is all whites and pale colours but is the dark one. Kinda ironic given what happened in the end. There’s also a kinda a nice narrative symmetry here as well; at the start of the series gon saves Killua from his family but in particular his older brother but at the end of the series killua saves gon with his younger sisters’ power.

There a subtle thing with leorio and kurapika too but rather than this black and white light metephor it seems more a moral argument and is suitable given they are both older so the subject is done a bit more maturely. When leorio and kurapika are introduced leorio seems to be the more immoral one saying his motivation is money and greed while kurapika seems more moral and seeks justice but we learn a bit later that leorio greeed for money comes from a realistic place of grief and that he wants money to use it so he can go on to help others mean while kurapikas u more gradual but we learn he’s not the moral character he first seems as he’s after the life’s of the phantom troupe members and gets involved in some pretty bad things later on in the current manga arc and the yorknew arc.

As a final note I’d like to point out the pattern with each arc; there are light arc’s and dark arc’s.

The hunter exam is a light arc that transitions into the zokdyck family; a dark arc and after that heavens arena was a light arc. The yorknew was a a dark arc that turned away from the main two slightly to get a look at kurapika falling into the dark and then the greed island arc was light despite a few issues and chimera ant arc was the darkest arc of the series and the chairman selection arc was a light arc despite the tension left over from the previous arc.

But despite the light to dark arc pattern this is the hunter x hunter universe and all the arcs got darker as they went. Hunter exam arc to zoldyck family arc; hunter exam ended darkish to transition between the two. Heavens arena was fairly innocent despite death threats, killua going assassin mode that one time and Hinson’s being here (actually this is probably the lightest arc despite the possible and legal death matches if you feel like killing your opponent) yorknew arc was dark with how kurapika had developed and we get a look at that but the others worry over it and in the end manage to get kurapika to reach a solution without killing chollo. Greed island starts out light and optimistic but end gray and dark with razor and the bomber threat nvm the gon vs genthru fight, in the end the transition is opptimi but dark. The chimera ant dark needs not explaining and then we having a dark transition again with alluka having dark powers and the zoldyck family always make it kinda dark but somehow the politics and Killua and alluka’s relationship make it come out light (or is that just in comparison?) we finally end on a opposite note and switch over to leorio and kurapika in the manga.

#dark vs light #hunter x hunter #hxh #gon freecss #killua zoldyck #kurapika kurta #leorio paladiknight #leorios got such a fancy noble sounding name for someone who grew up really poor #second name I mean #arc #hunter exam #zoldyck family #heavens arena #yorknew arc #yorknew city arc #phantom troupe #hunter exam arc #greed island #greed island arc #chimera ant arc #chimera ant #chairman election arc

[wlntrsldler]

F&MU (Bucky Barnes Imagine)

A/N: 18+!!!!!!!! SMUT WARNING! This is based off the song F&MU by Kehlani

-

We both know it's never really goodbye

I swear it’s like we do this all the time now

That shit be turnin' me on, I cannot lie, lie

You hate Bucky Barnes. You hate how entitled he was and how he blamed all of his terrible traits to him being frozen for over 70 years. You hate how Steve always pardoned him for his mistakes. You hate how you both preferred the same cereal in the morning and he ate food like he was feeding a small village in his stomach, never leaving enough for you. You hate how he always switched the Netflix show you were watching because he hated your taste. You hate how he always argued with you over the smallest things, arguments that lasts for hours. You hate how he was a decent person to everyone else but you.

But somehow, here you were, under him, a panting mess as he kissed up and down your body. You didn’t really know how you got here. Maybe it was because of one of the many compromising positions you both found yourself in while training. Or maybe it was because of one of his threats against your life that, in all honesty, sounded more like a good time than a punishment. Or maybe it was because you both figured that your mutual hatred towards each other would subside after you fuck the living shit out of each other. Whatever the reason may be, here you were. For the second time this week.

“Y/N,” Bucky groaned. “I’m close.”

You clawed at his muscular back, leaving bright, red marks down until the curve of his ass. You heard him hiss at the pain, but deep down you knew he loved it. You wrapped your legs around his torso, pushing him deeper into you, earning a moan from the two of you. You knew he was close when you felt him twitch inside you. You weren’t far behind, especially when his metal arm reached up and wrapped itself around your neck. 

You gave him a lazy smile, too tired from your activities to give him a full one. “Choke me out, Barnes.”

You didn’t have to tell him twice. His cold, metal fingers slightly tightened around your neck, causing you to whimper at his touch. “Like that?”

You didn’t answer him, you just pushed him onto your body, his larger one almost collapsing on you as he finished inside you. You trapped him inside you, strengthening your grip on his body with your legs, finishing as well. He stayed inside you for a while, out of breath, resting his forehead on top of yours. His body was covered in a layer of sweat, glistening under the soft light. His eyes were closed and for a minute you had forgotten that you hated him. 

“Thanks for that.” Then you remembered who he was. You pushed him off of you, “You can go now.”

From beside you, you heard him groan in disappointment. “Come on, Y/N. It’s late and I’m tired, let me rest for like two minutes.”

“Whatever,” You tried to get up but your legs felt like jell-o. You had to grab onto your nightstand to keep yourself from falling to the ground. Bucky tried to keep himself from laughing but failed. He loved that he got you like that. “You just better be gone by the time I get back from getting some water.”

“Get me some?” 

“I hope you die of thirst.” You flipped him off as you limped to the empty kitchen.

And can't nobody else do that for me

Know I make it hard to ignore me

Cut the attitude, and put it on me

Put it on me, yeah

“I just don’t understand why you dislike him so much, Y/N.” Steve sighed, running his fingers through his blonde hair in utter frustration. “I don’t see anyone else having that big of a problem with him as you do.”

“False,” You pointed out, darting your eyes to meet Sam’s. “He gets me.”

Sam raised his hands up in protest, “Hey! I may not like the guy, for good reason. He tried to kill me but I can tolerate him. You, sweetheart, just straight up hate the guy and for no goddamn reason too.”

“Mornin.” 

You looked over your shoulder and saw a sleepy Bucky entering the lounge room. He was wearing a white tank top, showing off his chiseled muscles and when he turned around- What a piece of shit, you thought. He knew it turns you on when you see the marks you left on him, same way it turns him on to see the marks he leaves on you. Unlike him, you took the time to conceal his love, or hate, whatever you were feeling like that day, bites. 

“Jesus Christ, Bucky,” Sam snickered, pointing at his back. “Who did you sleep with? A fucking werewolf?”

Bucky looked up at you, suddenly fully energized. He snuck in a wink directed to you when the two boys were too busy looking at the scratches down his back. “Somethin’ like that.”

You rolled your eyes, taking a sip from your coffee mug. Sometimes you wondered if the pain of seeing his sly smile and smirking, cocky, yet beautiful, face the morning after your many rendezvous was worth it. Then you’d start thinking about him, between your thighs, eyes shining and lips quivering from looking at you gloriously. Or how he looked from under you when you decided to take control on some nights, the nights where he was tired from missions or workouts but he knew you wanted a release. 

The answer is yes. Yes, the few minutes of his cocky self was worth the hours of utter pleasure that came before it.

"I hate you" turns into

"I love you" in the bedroom

We fuck and make up like it’s Maybelline

We do petty things

Then mess up the sheets, yeah

You be runnin' back once we let it go

I already know

Here you were again, the third time of the week. This time you were on top of him, your hips grinding down on his groin, feeling him grow thicker and thicker after every sway. His hands were gripping your waist, the flimsy piece of underwear the only thing separating Bucky’s dick from entering you. You wanted to take things slow, drag it out as long as you could, as punishment for the scene he caused with Sam and Steve earlier. 

You could tell he was getting frustrated. His grip on your waist tightening by the second. You were certain you’d end up bruised for the next few days but you didn’t care. Seeing Bucky, a famous ex-assassin, who pride himself in being this dominant figure, undressed, vulnerable, and dare you say it, a bit submissive to your touch, was worth a few bruises. 

“You like parading my work on your back, don’t you?” You whispered, leaning on him, pressing your chest on top of his. You started bouncing your ass on his dick. Bucky groaned, hating the feeling of the fabric against his hard dick. “Answer me.”

“Want everyone to know I got it good, doll.” He replied, his lips finding your earlobe, making you shiver. “Want everyone to know I got a freak with me.”

You felt yourself slowly losing your dominance. That’s all it took with Bucky. A soft whisper in your ear, a slight touch of his stubble against your neck, or a swift move of his fingers against your area and you were ready to be dominated again. You let out a soft moan, loving the feeling of his cold fingers tracing figure eights on the side of your body. He took this opportunity to flip the two of you over, growing tired of your slow movements. 

“Bucky, that’s not fa-” You tried to argue but stopped mid-sentence when his hands removed your underwear. His fingers moved down to your core, slowly dragging two of his metal digits around you. “Mmm... Okay.”

Bucky chuckled darkly, watching you melt under his touch. “You were taking too long, had to speed things up.”

“Right, this is just a quick fuck.” You didn’t mean any harm from your comment because you thought it was true. You and Bucky were just fucking but to your surprise, Bucky took that comment to heart.

His eyebrows furrowed, eyes shooting you an annoyed look. “Not just that. Just because you said that I’m gonna take my time on you, doll. Might take hours.”

You didn’t argue with him, you just slowly nodded and watched the corner of his lips quirk up to a smile. His face slowly made its way down your body, stopping at the place you needed him the most. He left fluttery kisses on top, not putting enough pressure to get you off, but just enough to keep you wanting more. His tongue drew a line up the side of your thigh and stopped at your hipbone where he sucked on it softly. 

“Fuck, Bucky.” You hated begging but he was really taking his time this time around. He dragged out his tongue everywhere but the place you needed him the most. “Please, Bucky.”

“M’kay, doll.” He finally gave in and placed his tongue inside you, slowly licking, making you go insane. “Mmm... so good. Always so wet for me, aren’t you, doll?”

You couldn’t reply. He settled for your whimper as a “yes” to his sinful question, returning to his work. He pushed your leg up to open up the space some more. “I love doing this to you, love seeing you squirm. I love it, doll.”

You threw your head back in pleasure, your fingers finding the roots of his hair. You were panting, absolute ecstasy taking over your body. “I love you, Bucky.”

You didn’t even realize what slipped out of your lips until you felt him stop for a second. Shit, did I just say that? You slowly opened your eye halfway, hoping that if you acted like you didn’t say it, he’ll think he heard you wrong. You opened both of your eyes to see Bucky, staring at you, mouth slightly agape. 

Then you did what you knew best: mask your feelings by using sex. You bucked your hips up, in an act of fake desperation and closed your eyes again, trying to rid the awkward tension that your words caused. You silently thanked the stars when you felt Bucky’s lips on your core again, eating you feverishly. 

We just fuck and make up like it's Maybelline (Woo)

We do petty things (Ooh)

Then mess up the sheets

Can't lie, the sex fire when you in your feels (Woo)

Spice it up a little (Ooh)

Yeah, you know the drill (Know the drill)

Okay, you were starting to get worried. 

It’s been two weeks since your last encounter with Bucky. Two weeks since you accidentally told him you loved him. But it was the sex talking, you swore to yourself. It was the sex talking... right?

You groaned, freeing yourself from the confinement of your room and joining the others in the lounge. Bucky stopped coming out of his room too. You started to notice that whenever you walked into the room, he would find some lame excuse to leave. 

But, why did you care? Isn’t it better that Bucky leaves whenever you’re around since you hate him so much? 

The rest of the team started noticing the odd energy between the two of you as well. They started to notice that you two couldn’t be in the same room anymore. 

“At least before whatever the hell happened, you two could stand to be in the same room as each other.” Steve said. 

“I miss your bickering, if we’re being honest here.” Sam added. “You used to roast that boy so hard. It was a sight to see.”

You had to admit, you were starting to miss that too. Not Bucky. No, you didn’t miss him. You just missed his touch. You missed fucking him. You missed his fingers and his tongue inside you. You missed making fun of him every chance you got. I don’t miss Bucky, you repeated over and over again to yourself, hoping that if you said it enough, you’d start to believe it. 

Damn, it's so good, I might have to piss you off

I might have to cause a scene just so you can take it off

You handle it different when you really get to trippin'

And I miss it when you hit it like that, that, that

You were growing impatient. You had this extra built-up, sexual energy that was trapped inside you. All thanks to stubborn ass James Buchanan Fucking Barnes, who, by the way, refused to even look in your direction for the past two weeks. 

You were at a bar for a team outing, sipping on your drink. Your eyes were shooting daggers at Bucky, who squirmed under your hateful gaze. He knew you were looking at him. He knew you wanted to kill him for not touching you for the past two weeks. But what could he do? 

You told him you loved him and for a quick second, he thought you’d finally started to reciprocate the feelings he developed for you. But then he realized the compromising position the two of you were in and realized you didn’t mean it when you said you loved him. You just loved fucking him. 

He was doing a good job not looking back at you, despite your intense gaze on him for most of the night. Bucky swore he wouldn’t even look in your general direction. That was until he saw you laughing, fakely, if he may add, at the terrible jokes of the bartender. 

What the fuck are you up to, YN?, Bucky thought to himself. He stopped listening to Tony’s story and looked past his shoulder to stare at you. You tucked a piece of your hair behind your ear, attempting to flirt. You licked your lips slowly, watching the bartender pour you another drink. You leaned over and touched his arm, giving his bicep a quick squeeze. 

Bucky didn’t realize he was staring for too long until Tony called him out. “Uh, Old Man? What are you looking at there?”

Bucky blinked a couple times, lifting his beer up to his lips and shook his head. “Nothing, just daydreaming.”

Tony cocked an eyebrow and looked behind him. He smirked when he saw what Bucky was looking at. Y/N. “Daydreaming about Y/N?”

“Pfft,” Bucky made a disgusted face. Yes, daydreaming about Y/N and the lessons I would teach her if I had the chance to right now. “I’d rather freeze for another 70 years.”

Ain't no cap, cap, cap

I make you mad, mad, mad

Why I gotta fuck you up to make you fuck like that?

Pickin' fights so you can put it down like that

Get in your bag like that, yeah

“What the fuck was that, Y/N?”

You smirked upon hearing the familiar voice. Bucky. You turned around after untying your blouse, holding up your shirt with your hands pressed against your chest, extenuating your breasts. “What are you on about, Bucky?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” He hissed, walking over to you. His arms grabbed you and pulled you closer to him. You immediately felt him hard against your thigh. You sighed in satisfaction, missing that feeling. “That flirting? What the fuck was that, huh?”

Oh, this will be fun, you thought. 

“Oh, I don’t know, Bucky,” You started to say, trying to sound as sultry as you could. “I felt like he could make me scream and make me feel so so good. I haven’t felt good in weeks, Bucky. I just couldn’t help but think about how good it would feel to be under him as he fuc-”

“Shut up.” 

Bucky kissed you, grabbing your hands and pinning them behind your back. Your blouse fell to the floor, leaving your exposed breasts for him and his pleasure. 

Finally, you thought. 

This was a different side to Bucky, one you hadn’t seen before. Was he jealous? He quickly rid you from the rest of your clothing, his clothes not that far behind from being removed. His lips attacked your neck, leaving large marks on your skin. 

“Turn around.” Bucky ordered, getting off of you to allow you to move. “On your knees. Arch your back.”

You obliged, getting on all fours and arching your back. You looked back at him, his bottom lip tugged on by his teeth. He used one hand to push down on the small of your back, forcing you to stay arched and the other hand gripped your jaw to make you look back at him as he entered you. 

“Mmm, Bucky,” You moaned, not being able to hold it in anymore. He felt so good inside you. Bucky was hitting a new angle in this position and it felt phenomenal. “More, please.”

“I bet he can’t make you beg like I can.” Bucky stated, letting go of your face to slap your ass. “Can he, doll?”

Your voice was muffled into the mattress as you pushed your head down to maintain the perfect arch for Bucky. His two hands gripped your hips, colliding them with his own with every thrust. The sound of skin slapping, profanity, and pornographic moans were the only things that could be heard. You missed this so much. You missed Bucky so much. 

He continued to fuck you relentlessly, dipping down to leave loving kisses on your shoulder blades. He grabbed a chunk of your hair, pulling on it as he fucked you from the back. You moaned out in pleasure as he continuously entered you. 

"I hate you" turns into

"I love you" in the bedroom

“Mmm, get on your back, baby,” Bucky stopped, pulling out of you. “I’m close and I wanna cum seeing your pretty face.”

Something about the way he called you “baby” and “pretty” made your stomach turn, and it wasn’t just because you were close. Again, you obliged. You saw him smile, a real smile, once you got on your back and you couldn’t help but do the same. 

Before he entered you again, he gave you a passionate kiss. This one wasn’t heated or fueled by lust or the absolute need to be inside you. This one was fueled by something else, you just couldn’t put your finger on it. 

“I love you, doll.” 

Your heart stopped. Did you hear him right? You took a second to just look up at the man above you. His face was overtaken with concern, eyes glossy, fearing that he messed up the moment by confessing the way he felt about you. His arms were flexed as he held himself up above you. You watched a bead of sweat travel its way down his body. You looked up at his face, so perfect, you wanted nothing else but to wake up next to it every morning. “I love you too, Bucky.”

He let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and kissed you one more time before entering you again. You both moaned at the contact, missing the feeling of being connected again. Bucky reached over for your hand, intertwining his fingers with yours as he thrusted in you. 

“So pretty.” He mumbled, staring down on you. “Love this view, baby.”

“I can say the same.”

After a few more strokes, you both came undone, a string of “Oh my Gods” and “Fuck Y/N or Bucky” ending your sexual encounter for the night. Bucky pulled out and plopped on the bed next to you, chest rising up and down. You rolled over, resting your head on his bare chest. He threw his arm around you, his lips finding the top of your head to leave it a kiss. 

“I mean it, you know.” Bucky confessed after a few minutes of comfortable silence. “I really do love you, Y/N.”

“I know you do,” You replied, twisting your head to look at the beautiful man in your bed. “I love you, Bucky. And I mean it, too.”

-

My Last Imagine: Shawarmas (Bucky Barnes Imagine)

MASTERLIST

Requests are open! Request HERE!

#Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes imagine #Winter Soldier #winter soldier imagine #winter soldier x reader #bucky barnes one shot #winter soldier smut #Sebastian Stan #sebastian x reader #sebastian stan smut #sebastian stan imagine #marvel imagine #marvel series #marvel smut #captain america imagine #captain america #captain america smut

[noah-moth-cursed-chaos]

Museums and Abstract Paintings: A quinnby fic, chapter four

Quick disclaimer: Chris’ amnesia is not modeled after any real world type of amnesia, please don’t base any understanding of real world amnesia off of it. Tw for mentions of murder and implied mentions of murder, along with guilt and anxiety.

Trilby didn’t quite know how to take what he’d learned on his mission with Chris. He’d noticed the ministry was always short staffed. He hadn’t before recognized the constant influx of new faces, or how there was usually no explanation to what happened to the old ones. They were all just hear to get tossed into the fire in the fruitless attempt to protect a few civilians. There was a better chance of ending up dead or insane than making it through their job. Why did so many people stay? Did everyone come in the way he did? Wanted by the law and under threat of imprisonment if they didn’t work for the government? He sighed as he got up from his desk, his report wasn’t as detailed as his usual work but it was good enough. Time to turn it in.

Despite the small staff there was no lack of the normal office gossip in the ministry building, usually about the results of another agent’s mission. Trilby overheard a snippet of this as he walked past.

“Yeah, came in covered in blood, again, think most of it was his this time.”

“Good grief, Chris really is trying to cost the carpet cleaners a fortune isn’t he?”

“Is he okay?” Trilby had stopped, glancing at his two coworkers.

“Not sure, he’s in the infirmary. But he’s always bounced back before so I’m sure he’s doin’ fine.” One of them said.

“Starting to doubt he *can* die he’s done this so many times.” The other said.

Trilby changed his route after that, heading up to the floor the infirmary was on, the report could wait.

Chris hated when he had to get stitches. Oh well. He was alive, a bit worse for wear, but alive.

“In no point did it cross your mind to, I dunno, *run*? There’s no shame in not coming in here a bloody mess after every other job, y’know, plenty of agents manage it quite well.” Claire walked in, an expression of concern and exasperation on her face.

“Not demonslayers.” Chris said, “Besides, it’s not *that* bad.” He shrugged.

“You have too much pride in your mission record, you can fail one mission.” She shot at him.

Chris could’ve laughed, he couldn’t give less sh^ts about his mission record, “It isn’t about that. With some of the jobs other people here have, if they slip up someone else comes in and it’s fine, if I slip up people could get hurt, good people.”

“You already saved the world once y’know, it can be someone else’s problem now.” Claire sighed, “... but I guess I get where you’re coming from.”

“Saved the world?” The two turned to the doorway to see Trilby, who looked thoroughly confused with what he just heard.

“Yeah I saved the world from a henweigh.”

“.. a henweigh?” Trilby asked.

“Yeah.”

The thief paused, clearly having expected clarification, “And what’s a henweigh?”

“‘Bout ten pounds.” Chris smirked. Claire chuckled and rolled her eyes.

“You know one day someone’s gonna ask about it who’s already heard that joke.” She pointed out.

“So you didn’t actually save the world?” Trilby asked.

“Who knows.” Chris smirked at the other’s annoyance, “Maybe I did maybe I didn’t.”

“You can just say you don’t want to answer.”

“I know, but it’s funny to watch you get annoyed. I do think I’m gonna leave you in the dark though, mate.”

“Well, at least you’re alive to do that, heard you ruined the carpet coming in.” The ex thief leaned against the wall, Chris couldn’t help but laugh.

Trilby had tried to brush off what he heard in the infirmary, maybe they were just joking around. Really, Chris saving the world? Sounded about as likely as a beaver running for parliament. But he also barely really knew anything about Chris. Just that he took more dangerous assignments and was known for being reckless and unpredictable. But for some reason he couldn’t shake his intrigue. Couldn’t hurt to ask around.

Turns out it couldn’t help either. The answers people had just raised more questions. Chris stopped something horrible, nobody knew what it was or how he did it. Some people even suspected it was just some delusion, seeming as apparently he was supposed to be in a mental hospital during the time.

Trilby guessed he wasn’t quite as sneaky about his prying into the matter as he assumed, because Chris did find out eventually, and did confront him.

“Ya know it’s kinda rude to go asking about someone’s personal business behind their back.” Trilby couldn’t tell if the redheaded man who’d walked into his office was upset with him or not.

“... pardon?” The idea of being found out hadn’t crossed his mind, so he wasn’t quite sure what Chris could be talking about.

“You *really* wanna know what Claire was talking about in the infirmary don’t you?” The taller man raised an eyebrow. A younger Trilby likely would’ve turned an impressive shade of red at realizing he’d been caught, or would’ve tried to think up some half baked excuse as to why he’d been snooping. But now Trilby held his composure, despite the slight panic he felt inside.

“Oh, yes I have been looking into that.” Trilby said, turning his attention back to the file he was reading, “Is that a problem?”

There was a short pause before Chris spoke again, “... I guess I could tell you.” He said, “On two conditions.” Trilby couldn’t help but look up, intrigued to hear whatever conditions the taller man wanted met. “You meet me at the museum tonight at 4, and you don’t call me crazy.”

Chris was more than anxious as he waited outside the museum. Why the hell had he agreed to talk about it? Why here? Trilby would just think he was insane or he still belonged in the mental hospital or-

“Quinn?” He was snapped out of his thoughts, finding Trilby standing a small distance away, “Are we going in?”

“Oh uh-yeah.” Chris cleared his throat and got up, “.. how long have you been standing there, by the way?”

“Nearly ten minutes.” Oh. Oh sh^t. He just let him stand there for ten minutes. God Quinn you’re stupid.

“Sh^t, sorry mate.” Chris lead him inside. There weren’t many people here, and those that were seemed caught up enough in their own exploration of the building to pay no mind to the two men. Chris showed Trilby his favorite exhibits, talking about the history behind them and why they caught his eye. Trilby seemed more interested in Chris’ words than the museum itself, but his eyes lingered on more valuable exhibits, and Chris wondered if he was thinking of what it’d be like to have possession of them. Eventually they wondered to a part nobody was in at the moment.

“Why did you want to meet here?” Trilby asked, “Why not your apartment or my office or.. anywhere more secluded?”

“Uh, stupidly enough I figured it would be. Sorta a neutral ground. We’ve both made fools of ourself in front of each other in a place like this.” Chris explained. He walked over to a bench and sat down, “So how much did you find out eventually?”

“Not too much I think. Something happened when you were in a mental hospital, you stopped it somehow. Nobody knows what it was. Well, Claire might, but when I asked her she told me to mind my own business. Hey! Don’t laugh at me!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just-“ Chris managed to calm down, “You sounded so offended.” He said, “Well, I’m uh, not really sure if my version of the story is even the whole thing.” He said, yeah that’s a good way to start Chris, set yourself up as an unreliable narrator. God he probably already thinks you’re nuts.

“What do you mean?”

“I Uh, don’t remember anything really before uh. The night my parents died.” He began, “Sometimes things feel familiar or I think I *should* remember something but I just... don’t. That day I was heading to their home after a book signing. I was stressed and they’d left a voicemail asking me to come over and I just.. I thought maybe seeing them would make things a little better. But they were dead when I got there, murdered. They never found the killer.”

“Oh I’m... sorry.” Trilby didn’t expect the story to start off with dead parents, Chris figured. It sounded like a cliche. He sounded like a sh^tty comic book hero.

“It’s fine, nothing that can be done now.. I checked myself into a mental hospital, I’m pretty sure it was a last straw thing for me. I didn’t react the way I thought I should’ve. Figured I should get help.” He was pretty sure the hospital f^cked him up more, but he didn’t say that, “One day I woke up and there was just a guard, dead. I didn’t really know what to do, so I took his gun and went out to investigate. The place was crawling with zombies, which I know sounds insane but it’s true, I recognized some of ‘em, other patients, guards, they smelled like rotting flesh and I remember wondering if I breathed in too close if I’d catch it. At first I didn’t really think about what was going on, I mean what are you supposed to think? I had to get out. That’s what I thought. I had to get out and I had to find out what was causing this and I had to get rid of it because otherwise I’d die. It was kind of a blur until I got shot.” Chris glanced at Trilby, trying to read his face for a reaction to what he’d said so far, he couldn’t find one. The other agent was just.. listening. Chris paused before he continued, “I killed this big lard^rse looking thing and then one of those walking corpses shot me. I woke up in a graveyard, I was one of them but.. somehow I wasn’t. Gone. Not like they were. I went to my parents house to see if there was anything there that might help. I don’t really remember everything I grabbed. I fought my way through the rest of ‘em, I killed it, the evil, the thing that was doing it all, at least I think I did.. I remember the life leaving my body and thinking it was my time.”

“But you’re not dead. Or a zombie.” Trilby now sounded confused, Chris didn’t blame him, this was all so odd he could barely make sense of it half the time. He sometimes wondered if maybe he was just delusional.

“Yeah. That’s what doesn’t make sense. I died a zombie and woke up a human on the side of the road with a bunch of guns and the book of transformations. Everything was normal and nobody knew anything about a zombie apocalypse.” Chris said, “But there were. A lot of people dead. Really quick. A lot of them looked like the zombies I killed. Nobody could figure out what did that to them.”

“I actually remember hearing about that on the news.” Trilby admitted.

“.. sometimes I wonder if there could’ve been a better way. If I’d known I swear I would’ve found one but- but... yeah.” He sighed, why was he saying this? Why had he agreed to talk about it?

Chris looked so uneasy, Trilby wondered if his mind was taking him back to what he went through, or thought he went through. He wondered how to break the tense silence, and silently realized why Chris chose this place to meet. Last time both of them were in a museum was lighthearted and fun and honestly ridiculous. Despite how quickly Trilby left it behind and forgot about it, the few times he had thought about it it was never a *bad* memory. As absurd as what Chris was saying sounded to an observer, to the demonslayer this was a personal hell. A shroud of guilt and uncertainty that he couldn’t shake. “... I’m not going to say I know what that’s like, because I don’t, I don’t think it’s *possible* for someone else to go through something like that. But I do know what it’s like to only realize something you did after it was done.” He didn’t know why he said that, or why Chris talking about the people he’d killed stuck out so much to him.

“.. what do you mean? If you’re okay saying it?” Chris’ voice was soft, quiet.

“There Uh, was a mansion, some things happened... it was my body but.. it wasn’t *me*, I never would’ve done it if I had control.” Trilby elected to keep details sparse, he was sure trying to explain what happened at Defoe Manner wouldn’t do either of them any favors. Besides. Chris had brought him here to share something. This wasn’t show and tell, and he didn’t want it to seem like he was trying to upstage the other.

“.. I don’t think it really counts against you then, you didn’t want to do it.”

“I don’t think what you did is your fault either. You had no clue what would happen.” He paused before adding, “I won’t say a word of what you told me. I swear.”

Chris paused, before grinning a bit, “Hey, maybe this can be a thing, but, less morbid in the future. Museums could be like our Las Vegas.” He had effectively dispersed the tense mood between the two with that.

“What?” Trilby had to hold back a laugh, what the hell was the other saying?

“You know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? We can hang out in museums and do whatever we want and say whatever we want and when we leave we don’t tell anyone about it.” Trilby had to admit, it was a nice idea, if a bit silly. A place where both of them could be vulnerable yet also maintain complete privacy the moment they left.

“That sounds nice.” Trilby said, “Next time let’s go to an art museum. They’re less boring.”

#museums and abstract paintings #quinnby #Chzo Mythos

[ms-hells-bells]

Wait, Chanyeol was also exposed as an abuser? I heard he was cheating, but never heard more than that. What are the details?

in the same post that his ex made exposing him, she also said that he said “if my career gets ruined because of woman problems i will kill myself”. so, indirect in it’s language and intentionally vague and she did not yet know he was cheating, but HE knew he was cheating, so it was a preemptive manipulative threat. when he said that to her, he absolutely meant “(if you find out i’m cheating) if you tell anyone that i cheated, i’ll kill myself and it’ll be your fault”. that’s how abusers work. 

i mean also, i consider cheating emotional abuse. it has such a massive negative psychological impact that some people even need therapy from, and also puts that person’s health at risk. he cheated with so many women apparently, and even had those women around people that knew he had a girlfriend, but i guess everyone just thought it was acceptable and didn’t tell her. it’s gaslighting, cheating involves so much gaslighting that any suspicion your partner has is “crazy” and “jealousy”. it destroys one’s ability to trust.

here’s the full translated post she made

Hello, Chany***.

I’m writing a revealing post for the first time in my life because of you. You’ll probably be shocked since you think we broke up amicably. But for me, the past 3 years have become dirtied and ugly after being fooled by you. Chany***, this is your karma and something you started.

Around the end of October 2017, you got my number from an acquaintance and contacted me first. We began flirting like other regular couples, and we began to date sincerely after you asked me out.

Recently, while approaching our 3rd anniversary, I found out a shocking truth. I tried to not believe it until I personally saw and heard it for myself, and I believed you when you said it wasn’t true. But, during the three years that we were dating, you became someone’s first and someone’s one-night stand. While I was sleeping peacefully, you were always busy playing around dirtily with a new woman.

That included a variety of girl group members, Youtubers, broadcast DJs, dancers, stewardesses, and more.

Did you like it?

You were pretty famous. Everyone around you, except for me, knew how dirty you are. Really, only your fans and I didn’t know.

When the member you didn’t like, who didn’t know about our relationship, started showing interest in me, I was surprised by how you couldn’t even say a word. You couldn’t show that you were in a bad mood in front of him, but you cursed him out behind his back. I can now see that the reason was because you couldn’t be proud (about us).

I told you jokingly if you were going to cheat on me, do it secretly. But you really did exactly that many times…

I heard over 10 different names, Ch**yeol. If you were a human being, you shouldn’t have messed with my acquaintances.

Two days after we broke up, you called me to get back together. I told you the stories I heard, and you couldn’t say a word and pretended you didn’t know. So I named one of the girls you slept with, and after being silent for 3 seconds, you said, “What about her?” Do you know how ridiculous that one phrase made me feel? I recorded [our conversation] because there were victims who wanted to know what excuses you’d say to me.

The funniest thing is that whenever I mentioned the names of one of the girls you played, ate, and slept with, you didn’t deny knowing them… You should have at least pretended. How funny I must have been to you… you have no fear. What does that make me, who was fooled by you for three years?…

If I have any blame, it’s only that I believed and protected you without knowing what kind of piece of sh*t you are. I clearly didn’t know how to read someone. If I have any blame, it’s just that one thing.

I hid the photos I took with you and told my closest friends that I didn’t have a boyfriend because I was afraid that they would leak out and reveal that we were in a relationship and that it would have affected your career.

I was busy protecting you because I trusted you when you said if a problem arose in your music career due to women troubles, you would kill yourself.

Seriously, at least try to live up to your image…

I won’t reveal anything else that I know because I know things will get even worse. I’m sure you know exactly what I’m referring to best.

I don’t want to be dirtied anymore, and because of the jeong (bond) we’ve had over the years, I’ll stop here.

My heart drops every time I even hear your name. I hope the world finds out what kind of b*stard you really are.

Don’t contact me.

it says “victims”, so i’m guessing that multiple of the women he cheated with were unaware he had a girlfriend and he may have even had multiple relationships, fooling both this woman and other women. what concerns me the most is the “if i reveal more, things will get worse, you know what i’m talking about”. the general assumption is drugs, because that’s common with idols and has a severe penalty and is a career destroyer. but hopefully it’s not further harming women. i believe her because the photos have not been disproved when it would be easy and chanyeol hasn’t said a word which, in sue happy korea where even the truth can be defamation, this tells me that she absolutely has further evidence that she’s keeping quiet, likely to protect the women named in the phone call that he confirmed, because they would have their careers damaged despite being innocent in this. suing her would force her to give the rest of her evidence, which would damn his career. better to say nothing and lose some fans because you might have done something, than have it confirmed and lose all your fans. see: johnny depp’s fail.