#my partner will grow to resent all these facts about me

[angstyaardvark]

what's wrong with me bro

#i'm starting to realize i need an absurd amount of reassurance and attention. i have terrible anxiety when i don't. #every bad action or move i take i assume there will be punishment #punishment is my partner finding sanctuary in someone else #it's withholding information for fear of my reaction #i blame my ex. everyone was a threat. i was a problem for having feelings #but everyone leaves #i used to be secure in that #but now i have someone i never want to live without #im toxic #im disgusting #my partner will grow to resent all these facts about me #i need therapy #i need a hug #i need sleep

[queenie-avenue]

Ok hear me out👉👈

Katie finding out (in this case she got friendzoned LOL) that Reader is in a relationship with someone else?? How do u think she takes it??

I've been such a lurker for quite some time and i love ur content sm 🥺🥺🥺🥺 *sending kisses*

Rejection is never the End.

💌 ⤻ THE CHEERLEADER, KATIE WILLIAMS

—> she won't ever give up on you.

⤻ reader is gender neutral, reader has a girlfriend, no cheating, manipulation, possessiveness, obsession, typical yandere behaviour, gaslighting, reader gets drunk and katie takes advantage of her

notes: thank you so much for the ask, I'm so sorry it's taken so long for me to get to this!! no proof-reading, we die.

🦋⤻ archives.

If you have a significant other, Katie will no doubt be furious, especially if you reveal it to her just when she decided to confess to you, of all things. She will be pissed off, but will just smile at you and pretend that everything is a-okay. You wouldn't even suspect a thing.

Sure, at first it'd be awkward with you and her drifting just a bit — which causes her to almost have a meltdown and abandon her cheer captain duties for a while — but eventually after a month of two, you both would go back to normal.

The difference would be that now she had access to your relationship status.

And boy, would she make use of it.

Out of consideration for her feelings, you'd of course not talk much about your significant other but Katie, Katie wanted to know.

It started small, she liked to visit your dorm normally so it was a usual day of her coming to see you after cheer practice in her short shorts and pink t-shirts.

“Oh, those flowers are so cute, did your girlfriend get them for you?” Katie asked, lounging on your desk as she stroked the petals of the bouquet filled with your favourite flowers. “They are so pretty!” She squealed, grinning at you as you sat on your bed.

“Yeah, my girlfriend came over just the other day. It was fun.” You smiled back, wanting to keep details of your beau brief out of respect and love for Katie.

“Does she get you flowers often?” Katie inquired, eyes fixated on the flowers, back turned to you now.

“Not really. It was just a special occasion yesterday, our one year anniversary.” You exclaimed, clearly giddy about the fact you had been together with your girlfriend for a year.

“Fun.” She replied, tutting her plump lips. “So, why didn't I know about her? I mean, you showed me pictures once but you don't really tall about her that much.” Katie commented as she leaned towards you.

“We don't talk about our relationship much…” You mumbled. “I mean- she's like secretive about it. So not a lot of people know.” You shrugged your shoulders awkwardly. Oh, [y/n], you really were such a horrible liar. Katie could tell in an instant that the idea of you relationship being kept secret made you antsy, uncomfortable. If it were *her* that was your girlfriend, she'd be parading you around proudly. Why couldn't you see that?

“Huh.” She huffed, eyeing you up and down.

That was how it started.

She made use of your insecurities about your relationship with your girlfriend and weaponised them against you. Slowly, you grew more worried about whether the reason your girlfriend didn't want to reveal your relationship was because she wasn't proud to be with you, or she wasn't committed to being with you or worst, that she was being unfaithful towards you. Katie didn't help matters, subtly showing you those stupid YouTube shorts with reddit stories that talked about how people who didn't make their relationships known typically cheated on their partners.

You slowly spiralled into madness, growing resentful of your girlfriend and more appreciative of Katie. Eventually, you would break it off with your girlfriend when things became too hard for the both of you.

You kept starting arguments with your girlfriend over why she wanted to keep the relationship a secret, you became too needy for her validation and she was annoyed with you constantly picking fights with her and also your budding relationship with Katie who seemed to find a way to antagonise your girlfriend every single time. Katie egged you on, overanalysing each word your girlfriend said or texted to you and reporting what she thought back to you. Most of which just made you view your girlfriend in a horrible light.

Eventually, you broke up with your girlfriend.

Just like Katie wanted.

She would soon swoop in to comfort you, tell you that it wasn't your fault that the relationship didn't work. Your girlfriend was the red flag, you didn't do anything wrong!

“Come on, pom-pom. Cheer up, you'll find someone much better than her. You were too good for her ass anyway.” Smiled Katie as she dragged you for a night of partying at a fraternity.

You got wasted, of course; attempting to drown out the sorrow of your freshly opened wounds.

Katie's hand snaked around your waist as you danced to the beat of the music, the loud thumps banging loudly in your ear as you drunkenly relied on the cheerleader for support. Before you knew it, the dancing morphed into Katie pulling you into the bathroom, your legs wrapped around her waist as she leaned closer into you, both sat on the counter of the toilet. The vague sounds of people banging the door outside as you both gazed into each others’ eyes. “You feeling better?” She asked, dark eyes looking into yours intensely.

“I… I still miss her.” You slurred, slumping your body into Katie's neck, letting out a dry sob. The cheerleader hummed as she placed a hand on your waist, another under your chin.

“You don't need to think about her anymore, okay? I'm here for you.” She pressed a chaste kiss to your lips.

Katie knew that you loved her, everyone did. It's just that your girlfriend was in the way. Now that she's not, you can be devoted to loving her, and only her.

#yandere oc #yandere imagines #yandere blog #yandere drabble #yandere x reader #anon ask #ask #yandere female x reader #yandere female #female yandere x reader #female yandere #yandere fic #yandere ask blog #yandere asks

[unrelaxing]

I've been a fan of Taylor Swift's music since 2008. I have her CDs (and some cassettes), and while I like some albums better than others, I have never disliked an album. TTPD is the first. I've listened to it twice because sometimes it takes a bit for something to grow on you, and here are my thoughts as to why it isn't for me:

It sounds like one long, incredibly boring song. There's no variety in the album's sound; the melodies are super forgettable and by the time I get to the next song I've already forgotten the one that came before it. The fact that it's 2 hours long highlights all of this even more.

The album is lyrically her weakest. 'Tattooed golden retriever' will haunt me for the rest of my days, but shout-out to 'at dinner you take my ring off my middle finger and put it on the one / people put wedding rings on' and 'I felt more when we played pretend / than with all the Kens' for sending those Rupi Kaur "every run on sentence can be deep" vibes.

(I will also say when you contextualise the lyrics in terms of her life - if you're a big enough fan - or deep into pop culture - it's even more disappointing. There's a song about resenting her depressed partner for 'all the youth she wasted' on him, believing he sacrificed their relationship 'the the gods of his bluest days' - a very bad faith understanding of clinical depression and what it can do to a person. I know it's hard to be in a relationship with someone who has mental health issues, but man how much harder would it be for someone when their partner only sees them as a burden, and says so in the song about your break-up? Then when people criticise your new boyfriend for his racism and general asshole behaviour you write a song about how 'daddy I love him' and talk about how your fans are pearl clutching. It's just... disappointing.)

People are calling the album "raw" and I agree - but in the "this needed more time in the oven before being served" kind of way.

All in all, the album just feels and sounds ... trite.

#anti taylor swift #just as a fair warning #✎

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

everybody stay with me im shifting back into speculation & analyzing mode, this time about everybody's favorite pair of besties. ill put this under the cut for everyone's sakes

and please, take all of this with a Hefty grain of salt.

so ive been... thinking about a thing. a maybe-possibility. which if this has some merit, the part of me that loves characters having a good time and feeling good feels is screaming in fear. but the louder part of me that loves angst and hurting characters is rubbing its little fly hands together.

short version: i think Barnaby is going to emotionally distance from Wally, if not outright grow to resent him. maybe temporarily, maybe not.

full version: *cracks knuckles* strap in folks. so.

first of all, an entire chunk of Barnaby's bio is dedicated to his character relation to Wally. everyone else only has one-off lines dedicated to their relationships to other neighbors - even Frank & Julie just have single sentences about each other (note that they're described as "partnered with" and "depicted with" respectively. more on that soon). even Wally's bio has his Barnaby mention tacked onto the end of his first paragraph instead of being its own dedicated section

and then there's their character designs - their bios explicitly point out that they share characteristics; color schemes, hearts on their soles, similar outfits.

they were made to be best friends. literally. this quote is what made me start turning this theory over in my mind (sourced from @ /theneighborhoodwatch's collected & absolutely fascinating livestream trivia)

it appears that Barnaby literally did not have a say in whether or not he and Wally are friends. their bios even say "illustrated pages note that they were best friends multiple times." they have to be best friends.

which brings us back to Frank & Julie. they briefly reference each other in their bios, but they aren't described as best friends. it's incredibly likely that they were meant to be a romantic couple - i briefly covered that theory in this post (dont read the first one i was going insane) but they managed to avoid that. Frank and Julie defied the script and chose to be best friends instead.

and then in the trivia document a few more character relationships are briefly touched on, like how Howdy considers Barnaby a close friend, and Sally considers either Barnaby or Poppy as her closest friend, etc.

everyone else seems to be choosing who they're close with. they're forming their own opinions and dynamics and relationships. & its interesting that Barnaby is stated for both of these - as if implying that he may return the friendship feelings, or at the very least he's developed enough of a relationship with them to earn their affection

Barnaby and Wally... i doubt they ever got that. they were best friends from the start, no development, no choice. it's written into them.

and then there's how their relationship has been portrayed so far. i believe i saw an ask where Clown stated that Barnaby is very polite to Wally, which struck me as odd. have you ever had a polite relationship to your best friend? have you ever seen best friends be polite? i'd be surprised!

best friends mess with each other! they tease and rib and roast! what is a best friend for if not mutual tomfuckery?! jesting around? playfully pushing boundaries? a Polite best friendship... that's a straight up oxymoron. no such thing. that sounds boring and exhausting.

not only that, but the fact that Barnaby is often used for Wally's painting segments, and is the go-to guy for teaching Wally something new, is kind of concerning. it gives me the vibe that a big part of Barnaby's literal reason for existing is to be Wally's friend & guide.

which would make the fact of him being described as polite to Wally make sense. of course he's not going to push their relationship or try to deepen it - he's forming his own dynamics with the other neighbors. with Wally... it's already established. that is how they are with each other. that is what they are to each other.

and it's not like Wally can be the one to introduce nuances. i don't mean that as a slight or anything - he's just the way he's been described and the things stated about him that make me think that he wouldn't really... know how to? it just wouldn't occur to him. he probably thinks his and Barnaby's relationship is what a best friendship is and is how it should be.

but they have to hang out. they have to refer to each other as best friends. and while i believe that Wally does wholeheartedly think that they're best friends, close as can be... i doubt Barnaby feels the same. like - yes, he probably does care about Wally. everybody likes Wally.

but it's gotta be frustrating for Barnaby, especially as time goes on and he becomes more himself as a person over just being a character playing a part. it probably stunts his relationship growth with others, since his ~best friend spot~ is already taken and who would want to encroach on that? especially since its taken by Wally mcfuckin Darling?

their friendship might become less of a role and more of a responsibility. Barnaby might grow to feel obligated to stick with Wally as his "best friend". someone invites Barnaby to hang out and/or help with something? sorry, he has to pose for Wally's painting. Barnaby is trying to do his own thing? sorry, Wally is knocking on the door and asking for help with something.

i wonder if Barnaby ever hopes that Wally will go to someone else, or feels relief when he does. and then does he feel irritation/guilt over that denied hope or that granted relief? then does he get angry at himself for those emotions?

how would this effect how he treats Wally and acts around him? this confusing muddle of emotions and this strange growing resentment for his painfully earnest friend who only ever means well, if he means at all.

it makes me curious whether or not this theory has merit. and how this could come to a head. what would Barnaby, in this situation, do if/when he discovers that they're puppets on a set, and he's literally written to be Wally's bestie while everyone else changed their scripts and chose their own relationships.

personally, i don't think he'd be happy, and i doubt he'd handle it well.

#holy Shit this was tough to translate from my brain #i literally wrote it all out in my head while in the shower #and then i went to get it down on 'paper' and it was Tangled To Hell And Back #*taking a break from art* #brain: soooooo we're bored now. lets overthink and share these thinkings #welcome home theory #welcome home speculation #SERIOUSLY THOUGH IM SCARED FOR BARNABY AND WALLY #mainly for wally bc Ouch it would hurt him to have their relationship sour #barnaby getting resentful and wally not understanding why his best friend is acting differently towards him #and PLEASE keep in mind that im mostly talking outta my ass here #but like.... ugh #barnaby looking at wally walking over one day and feeling the urge to turn away or groan in irritation/exasperation #him posing for a painting and wishing he were anywhere else. #him wanting to be closer with other puppets but unable to bring himself to try bc of the Guilt #everywhere he turns hes called 'wallys best friend' and asked 'wheres wally? hes usually with you' when hes alone #and hearing 'if you want to find wally/barnaby go look for barnaby/wally. if you see one the other isnt far away' #that has GOT to get on his nerves over time #this constant stagnation of their relationship while everyone else is evolving and growing. hes Stuck. #even julie & frank who were written to be together find a way to circumvent that and add so much depth and uniqueness to their relationship #if you want a happy side of this. it could lead to barnaby & wally being really truly besties #barnaby could have an arc about thinking 'holy shit it was all fabricated. Fuck that and Fuck you[wally]' #and then going 'holy shit i Do actually love and care about him[wally] and i want us to develop a real meaningful friendship' #BUT WHO KNOWS who knows not me! #also it must be tiring to constantly have to explain his jokes and so many other things #bc wally Is a curious guy! he wants to learn! #but maybe barnaby just wants to have an uninterrupted conversation but he Cant bc wallys just built different #not said as a bad thing At All. #just... people are complicated. sometimes we have mean thoughts/emotions that conflict with what we really think/feel and our morals #we're only human. everyone is mean sometimes if only in our heads.& yeah theyre technically Puppets but lets not get caught up on semantics

[samwisethewitch]

Something I've been thinking about lately: In conversations about being intentionally child-free, I see a lot of people talk about how much they resent constantly being told that they'll change their minds someday. And yeah, that sucks. When you tell someone that they'll regret their choices or go back on them someday, you're telling them you don't trust them to make their own decisions. And that's a dick move.

But what I see left out of a lot of these conversations is the fact that some people do change their minds about kids, and that is also okay.

People change. Our priorities and our values change. Someone identifying as child-free at 20 and then realizing at 30 that they actually do want to be a parent doesn't invalidate other people's decision not to have kids. It doesn't even invalidate that person's previous decision. They're growing. They're changing, and that's okay. Healthy even.

When I was 18, I felt very strongly that I would never marry and never have children. For me, this was a reaction to growing up in a religious environment where women were second-class citizens, and what little autonomy/independence single women had immediately went away when they got married. And once you had kids? Well, once you had kids, your personal life was officially over and your identity now started and ended with being so-and-so's mother.

If your only model of marriage and parenthood is a nuclear family where the husband is in charge and makes all of the decisions while his wife does all of the housework and childcare and not much else, OF COURSE you wouldn't want to get married or have kids! My thought process at 18 was basically, "Well, I want to have my own money and make my own choices and have an identity outside of being a mom, so clearly the family life isn't for me."

I'm 25 now. I'm married. My husband and I both kept our own last names, and we maintain separate bank accounts. I have a job that I'm good at, and a lot of people know me from my work. I still have my own money, make my own choices, and have my own identity. None of that went away when I got married. All that's changed is that I have a partner and best friend that I decided to do life with, and we had a ceremony and signed a piece of paper to make it official. We're not quite at the having kids stage yet, but it is something we both want someday.

Me wanting marriage and kids now doesn't invalidate my decision at 18. When I was 18, focusing on my education and career was absolutely the right choice for me. I needed to be able to focus on myself without considering how it would affect a spouse or kids. Eventually, I realized marriage and parenthood can look a lot of different ways. I realized I can decide what they look like for me. I don't have to follow the model I grew up with. And I realized I do want raising kids to be part of my life, just in a way that looks different from what others might expect.

This is a process a lot of people go through, especially women and femmes. If you're in the middle of it right now, just know that you're allowed to change.

And of course, a lot of people don't change their minds. A lot of people who identify as child-free at 20 still don't want kids at 30, 40, or 50. I've met people in their 80s and 90s who never had kids and don't regret that decision. My point here is that some people changing their minds about something doesn't mean it's not a good option for other people.

(And, let's be real, unfortunately a lot of people go the other way: they think they want kids until they have them. That's way more complicated because now there's a whole human person involved who is dependent on them for care and this definitely deserves its own post, but the best advice I can give is if you're young, you need to give yourself time to figure out what you want before committing to anything.)

#rambles #child free #childless by choice #married life #feminism #feminist #trans inclusive radical feminism #trans inclusive feminism #terfs fuck off #terfs dni #religious trauma #ex christian #exmormon #exmo #exmo stuff #ex catholic #mine #parenting

[sluttylittlewaste]

One super fascinating thing about Kristen's current arc in JY is how much it reflects real-world conversations I've been following about effort and consistency and reliability in relationships. Specifically, I've been reading about the resentment in (primarily het) relationships caused by uneven distribution of mental load and repetivite, constant labor between partners.

Follow me now-

I've seen a few posts on here from people who have ADHD highlighting how realistic it is to their experience that Kristen is SO GOOD for doing grand acts and big miracles, but struggles so deeply with "the boring stuff". Upkeeping social media for Cassandra/YES!, consistently holding meetings to maintain whatever following she does develop for her gods, even just bi-weekly essays. I can't speak to the ADHD experience myself. However, from my relationships with people who have it and a decent amount of the posts I see on this website, that is a consistent manifestation of the disorder.

Dovetailing from that is the very real conversation I've heard time and time again about people whose family/friends/partners refuse to help with the little tasks of keeping a home in order or a project on track, but will pull through for big events under the assumption that it balances things out. It's a conversation that occurs a lot in spaces of studying gender dynamics in relationships - i.e. In a dynamic where the wife is responsible for doing all of the cooking/cleaning/grocery shopping/organizing, the husband will do a singular, high-effort task or grand gesture, "I built you an armoire!", "I took the kids out for a full day so you could relax!" and reference that singular event or task as a counterbalance for smaller tasks they do not aid in (daily dishes, laundry, running errands). This can also take the form of one partner doing grand gestures on occasion, but not showing up in smaller ways throughout the relationship on a day-to-day level.

-Ex. Partner A indicates that would appreciate more frequent affection in the relationship, such as date nights, flowers, non-sexual physical contact, etc. Partner B responds by planning a fancy dinner, gratuitous non-sexual contact/complements, and buying a lavish gift - but they do not increase displays of affection in their daily lives. Partner A mentions that though they appreciate the gesture, it didn't solve the initial problem, and Partner B doesn't understand why all of the obvious effort they put in isn't enough. The cycle continues and resentment grows as both people feel like their needs aren't being met/their efforts aren't being appreciated.

(Sorry if that's an over-explanation, I'm trying to be clear lol)

I think a lot about two things Cassandra said to Kristen:

"You're unreliable." and "It's not fair." in the context of these dynamics.

I've seen a decent number of people talk about how mutually unfair bringing Cassandra back was for both her and Kristen. I have also seen a lot of very valid arguments about Kristen being a LITERAL CHILD who makes a lot of impulsive (re: bad) decisions because she cares so deeply about specific things. We've also seen that Kristen CAN be so good in the little ways (Giving Lydia Barkrock the Help action, supporting Tracker through her bullshit, trying to do okay in school to help Riz). For all intents and purposes, there is no actual lack of effort on Kristen's part - she very obviously cares deeply. However, those efforts are more occasional and case-by-case than something constant, like going out every day to spread the word of Cassandra or doing something boring like homework.

Cassandra, whose entire thing is that she's always there to offer support -"I'm there holding your hand in the dark"- knows these things as well. She knows what Kristen is capable of. The hurt, then, doesn't come from the fact that Kristen can't but because, for some reason, she won't.

In conversations about how certain partners... underperform in relationships, one theme that often arises is that of, "I know he can do it, he simply doesn't." Whether that be daily chores or consistent acts of affection, Partner A has seen Partner B be helpful or put effort into things that they find interesting. There is no question of capability - Partner B can do whatever it is Partner A requests. Partner A thus concludes that Partner B doesn't because they don't want to. -Ex. "He refuses to help me because he doesn't care about me/He doesn't think I'm worth the effort."

While I obviously cannot make a true 1-to-1 comparison between this particular manifestation of Executive Dysfunction in people with ADHD and lackluster partners in relationships (I am aware that it is deeply harmful to imply that being a "bad" partner is in any way correlated to any singular disability), this is a degree of parallelism to be found in the Kristen/Cassandra dynamic and the type of dysfunction I reference in above examples. There is the caveat that if you have ADHD and know you struggle with doing things that are smaller or more tedious/repetitive, you can work with the people in your life to accommodate that. Additionally, men (at least in the US) are traditionally socialized to undervalue the traditional female labor that is caretaking.

That said, in universe, Kristen doesn't seem to know she has ADHD and thus could not articulate her limitations to Cassandra - and even if she could, it might not have solved the problem ( though it could have kept Cassandra from getting so upset).

The entire reason I wrote all of this is that I've seen several responses to the most recent preview for FHJY wherein Kipperlily Copperkettle accuses Kristen of not caring (and, to be clear, Kristen fully does not care about the Presidency. That is very likely what KLCK was referring to, and she is not wrong in being upset if Kristen wins this thing she hasn't even bothered to campaign AT THE SCHOOL for). The trend in the responses has been people listing Kristen's miracles more than anything, and while those do prove that she does CARE about SOME THINGS, it doesn't address the fact that for most people care is displayed through active, consistent, reliable effort rather than big dramatic displays: While the shrimp jump was cool, it does nothing to prove that Kristen gives a shit about student government.

#this is barely coherent #there's just this wild juxtaposition that I feel like comes up a lot on Tumblr #it seems to happen specifically with ND characters that people see a lot of themselves in #where even if the flaws and complications of that Neurodivergence are being assessed and deconstructed #people will plant their feet on “she can do no wrong!” #and sometimes it's whatever because it's just a fictional character #but other times #like with Kristen Applebees #where the defensiveness has the flavor or being deeply honest #which concerns me #like I truly hope y'all are putting more effort into handling real world criticism than you do with fictional shit #the instantaneous demonization of anyone who isn't tooth grindingly supportive of the Bad Kids (namely Kristen) is worrying #kipperlily is allowed to be mad at Kristen for winning! She may have done some shifty shit #but you can't say she didn't try really hard to win #and Kristen didn't even do her own shrimp jump. she only ran because she immediately disliked kipperlily #and ever Kristen's reason for disliking Kipperlily isn't fair??? #Like it started before they realized the whole rat grinder conspiracy #she just didn't like that Kipperlily was a Type A overachiever #which has nothing to do with Copperkettle #and everything to do with Kristen's own insecurities #as for the relationship aspect #i have a lot of concerns about how people on Tumblr talk about relationships #let me die #if i die #d20 fhjy #fhjy #dimension 20 #rant #kristen applebees #i guess

[ninadove]

Wait hold on, who's Cat Walker? I have not kept up with Miraculous in an incredibly long time but I have heard that 1 person can use more than one miraculous now... is that what this is?

OH RUBY. RUBY MY FRIEND. IT’S YET ANOTHER COMPLICATION OF THE LOVE SQUARE WHICH IS MORE OF A LOVE DODECAHEDRON AT THIS POINT.

As you may remember, Adrien = Chat Noir:

Well, Adrien = Cat Walker, but Chat Noir ≠ Cat Walker. Confusing? HELL YEAH. Let me explain more in depth.

See, in S4, Ladybug is under tremendous stress as the new guardian of the Miracle Box, and very much traumatised by the events of Chat Blanc (a major plot point in itself — let me know if you’d like me to tell you about him too as I’m not sure where you stopped!). As a result, she decides she needs to be less reliant on her one and only partner, and starts entrusting more people with Miraculous (I’m sure this won’t backfire… like at all…)

Now, one thing you probably do remember is that Adrien’s home life sucks (SPOILER ALERT: it does not get better). He clings to Ladybug because she embodies the life he wants: freedom, love, an identity of his own. When she starts pulling away from him, he feels abandoned, and grows more and more resentful. This all comes to a head in Kuro Neko (S4 E23), when Adrien straight up gives up his Miraculous after a particularly tough argument.

Obviously, this makes exactly nothing better: Adrien is miserable without his only escape, Marinette is miserable without her kitty, and Plagg is miserable without his favourite holder. In fact, the Kwami comes up with a brilliant idea: bring Adrien back as the Cat holder… but under a different identity.

See, the hero suits are a physical representation of who the person is and what they want most in the world: by tapping into specific aspect of their personalities, holders can therefore influence their appearance. Cat Walker is the result of Adrien burying everything that makes him Chat Noir in order to become (what he thinks is) the perfect partner for Ladybug: polite, well-groomed, focused on his mission, and of course completely devoid of his usual love for puns.

Spoiler alert, it… does not work. Ladybug’s Lucky Charm refuses to incorporate Cat Walker in the plan, and ultimately, she misses her kitty. The episode ends up with Adrien accepting that both personalities are a part of himself, and fixing some of the damage his relationship with his partner has sustained throughout the season.

BUT NOT EVERYTHING GETS SOLVED. And it all comes to a head in the S4 finale. 🧡🤍🖤

#Damn Ruby you must have gotten SO spoiled on some key plot elements from my posts I apologise #YOU’RE RIGHT BY THE WAY people can unify Miraculous now (but not too many or they’ll DIE) #This is a separate problem to worry about #miraculous ladybug #adrien agreste #cat walker #chat noir #tumblr asks

[ladyfromaspookyforest]

Jancy vs M11

Stranger Things 4 and the Long Distance Relationship

Trying to learn the art of brevity. Bullet points, lez go. Jancy Mildew

Jonathan has a photo of him and Nancy on his dresser. El has a shrine to Mike. Note that Jonathan's photo is of both of them and El's photos are mostly just of Mike.

Jonathan is not being honest with Nancy about college. El is not being honest with Mike about high school. Both of these come in the form of letters: one withheld and one sent. One is a secret, one is a lie.

Jonathan: "No, because if I told her the truth, then she'd just throw her dreams out the window to come out here and be with me." Mike: "But what if after all this is over, she doesn't need me anymore?" Jonathan is worried Nancy will sacrifice her own happiness for him because she loves him. Mike is worried El is going to leave him behind. Opposite ends of the spectrum.

Jonathan: "Before you know it, we're just like my mom and dad. We're divorced, my kids hate me--" Mike: "Maybe I should have said something and if I'd said that thing, then maybe she'd want me there with her." Jonathan is stating that the consequence of conforming to what one party in the relationship thinks the other wants is a one-way ticket to the Joyce and Lonnie Show. Mike is talking about doing exactly that so he won't be alone.

Jonathan: openly discusses his specific lie to Nancy with Argyle. Mike: dances around what he didn't say to El while talking to Will.

Jonathan and Argyle discussing relationship problems: stoner comedy and farting. Mike and Will discussing relationship problems: [Tender, emotional music]

Jonathan: "[She's] incredibly ambitious and she's never done a single thing halfway in her life...That's why I love her." Nancy: "He's caring and compassionate. He's so protective over the people that he loves and he'll never back down from what's right...no matter the pressure, no matter the personal cost. That's why I love him." Mike: "I love you for exactly who you are. You're my superhero."

Jonathan: "Nancy, I'm sorry I wasn't here...Are we okay?" Will: "Does she talk to you at all?" Mike: "Not much. I mean, a little bit." Despite the fact that Jonathan's secret has still not been revealed, he makes sure he and Nancy are okay. Despite having supposedly given El what she wanted, Mike and El aren't really speaking.

Nancy: "Your application letter. Did it ever come?" Jonathan: "No, um, not yet." Jonathan's secret is still looming over them as they head into season 5, a conflict that will require later resolution. Mike's inability to tell El he loves her has been resolved. Will's lie to Mike about the painting, on the other hand, is still looming and waiting to come out (ha) in season 5. Dishonesty is a theme for both Jancy and Melvin, but one of them has been "resolved." Note that Jonathan's secret has evolved into a lie.

While I am biased, I'm trying not to lean TOO hard on my Byler brain here because that's not really the point of the post. It's about the parallels between Jancy and Mildred. So let's say Mike's telling the truth. His whole monologue was honest. The conflict between the two has STILL NOT BEEN RESOLVED. What is the reason for this? Even if we choose to interpret Mike not telling Eleven he loves her as his secret like Jonathan not telling Nancy about college is his, Jonathan is keeping this secret to protect Nancy while Mike is keeping his to protect himself. This still reveals the unhealthy mentality of Miller Light's relationship. Additionally, Mike's "secret" has come out, so there should be no conflict. Jonathan's hasn't yet, so conflict logically remains.

And if we choose to look at the speech as dishonest, this is Mike's act of shaping himself to his partner's desires. AKA his act of conformity that Jonathan spoke about earlier leading to them ending up just like his parents. Jonathan expressed that resentment would grow and we can already see that El is not satisfied with the outcome of this "confession."

Lastly, for the sake of fairness, I can't tell if there's a photo of Jonathan on here.

And there's no evidence of El in Mike's room. Mike and Nancy are the two characters in the love triangles and neither has immediately apparent evidence of their SO in their room.

EDIT: It has been brought to my attention that Nancy has a poster that used to be Jonathan's, but what I find a lot more interesting is the suggestion that the photos Nancy has on her walls and not on the corkboard are Jonathan's. That actually makes a lot of sense as we know he is a photographer and they look similar to some of the photos he has in his room. Additionally, I went back to season 1 to look at Nancy's bedroom prior to Jonathan and there are no photos like this present.

And while I had every intention of keeping this as focused on Mlvn/Jancy as I could and not Byler/Jancy, I simply cannot ignore the fact that Nancy and Mike have both posted Jonathan and Will's art on their walls. While the camera never focuses on these details like it does the photos of Jonathan and Nancy at the Byers house or the Mike Box in El's room, like Will's drawings on Mike's walls, the photos are background details that show how much the Wheelers' respective Byers has integrated into their lives. Moving on.

El spends the season getting to know herself. Nancy spends it getting to reknow Steve. This could hint at Mike and El breaking up for El to be on her own and Nancy and Jonathan breaking up to get Stancy back together.

However, I think there are two major indicators that this is not what will happen.

The scene when Nancy and Jonathan talked about why they love each other, providing genuine reasons.

A large part of S4 focused on the Mike/El relationship and concluded with a "resolution" of the supposed problem. A large part of S4 focused on the Nancy/Steve relationship, involving Steve laying out his desires for the future. In both situations, all cards are on the table (unless, you know, gay). There isn't a lot left to drive the dynamic in the following season (in a positive direction), while Jonathan's letter and Will's painting are still lies waiting to instigate conflict and subsequent resolution.

So once again, for the sake of fairness, Jonathan's lie blowing up in his face after their seemingly happy reunion could parallel El's lie blowing up in her face after Milkvan's seemingly happy reunion. However, timing really is key and Will's lie is still in play. It's really impossible to parallel Jancy and Marvin without also paralleling Byler. (I keep trying)

Anyway, that's that. Two lying long distance relationships on the verge of potential collapse. FTR I have no stakes in Jancy versus Stancy, I just THINK it will be Jancy. I am clearly biased towards Byler. That being said, even if Byler does not happen, Moldeven appears to be heading in the direction of break-up while Jancy seems recoverable, based primarily on the extent of the lies, the intent (once again, I have to tie Byler back in because Will and Jonathan both lied in an attempt to make Mike and Nancy happy while Mike and El lied to one another to protect themselves), and the timing.

LOL remember I said I was going to try to be brief this time?

#anti milkvan #jancy #byler #two bros chillin in the desert five feet apart 'cause they're not gay #my dumbass post

[topherwrites]

pls pls elaborate singing in the shower & spy au im so curious!! <3

"Singing in the Shower" is the tentative title for a shower sex jake fic with too much plot added in.

here's a snippet from the rough draft under the cut, 18+ only:

His voice takes on a familiar tone, the same one from flight school when he’d be picking apart why a maneuver didn’t work, or more specifically why someone else had failed at it. Like your inability to orgasm tonight is just an engineering problem. A little math, a little grease, and he can fix this. “What isn't working?” “Well, every time I get close I remember whose dick is in me.” He rolls his eyes, his voice taking on a bored tone, “We’ve established that you do not hate me enough for that." You stay silent, refusing to admit that you do not, in fact, hate him enough to deny yourself an orgasm. He hasn't done anything genuinely hackles-raising in some time, having toned down at least twenty percent of his dickishness, so there's less active resentment being worked out while you're fucking.  It's easy and fun being with him. Oh god, you like seeing his texts light up your phone. You enjoy his purposively bad sexts, that you're sure he only sends so you'll come over and fuck him to get him to stop. You come to the horrifying, jarring conclusion that he may very well be your friend, sort of. Fuck. Biting your lip, you amend, “Fine, maybe it's not that.” “I gathered.” He nudges you, “I can tell something’s going on up there, wanna fill me in?” “No.” You admit with a little sigh, “I don't know.” “Well, I'm tired, so we’re just going to sit here.” “Sorry, my pussy is broken today.” Your phrasing draws a little stomach-tensing laugh out of him, eyes creasing as he looks at you. His perfectly calloused palms slide up and down your thighs. His lips are curved into a soft little smile. “It’s fine.” “You can just…” your eyes focus on a water droplet on his collarbone, eyebrows jumping in allusion, unable to really say it, “if you want to.” He catches the implication; he can just get off and be done with it if he wants. Annoyance twists his features, his brow furrowing, though it doesn't feel wholly directed at you. “Jesus, I can feel myself getting soft,” he scoffs, “You're not a fleshlight.” And you actually can feel him start to lose his erection under you.

The spy au I'm currently working on came about mostly cause I saw Greg Tarzan Davis in the newest Mission Impossible and simply couldn't help myself. I also love spy stuff, I've always been intrigued by media that had spies in it since I was a kid. I grew up watching the Bond movies and shows like Nikita, Covert Affairs, Burn Notice, and Chuck. Most of which have a decidedly more pg or pg-13 tone than my au.

I'm planning on it being a few different interconnected series (maybe?).

All of their call signs and the nicknames for the reader are codenames in this.

So, an agent who was previously presumed dead, Spectre, she and Jake, aka Hangman, were partners and after her death he was never really the same. He's been on desk duty for the past two years.

Bob, an analyst on the team, was asked by Jake to put an indefinite facial recognition alert for her. So it kicks off with him getting a hit for her in London. The Operations Manager, Mav, brings Bradley onto the case, ordering him not to tell Jake about the revelation until they know more, and sending him to London to track Spectre down.

There in London, to play nice with a foreign government and give the impression that they respect jurisdiction, he's teamed up with an MI5 agent, Rook.

Shit spirals from there.

here's a snippet:

A last wet little gurgle leaves his throat as he goes still, his eyes left staring toward nothing. His head hangs back limply, red clinging to the corners of his slack mouth, the viscera of his throat exposed. Blood rhythmically drips to the floor. The pool grows beneath him. This sort of thing used to shake you, now you just follow a well-run routine, not necessarily numb, but devoid of the emotions doing something as grotesque as this should provoke. Violence should stir, you know this, you used to be stirred by it.  The first time you killed someone it was sloppy and panicked, you cried afterward. Mav sealed it with the stamp of self-defense, a good kill, but it didn't rid you of the lingering feeling of being damned. Maybe, the last vestiges of growing up catholic. You used to be a mourner, silently giving them their last rights, knowing the weight of every life. A witness to people’s final drawn breaths. Now, you're a butcher. You don't leave the blood for long, scrubbing your hands in the sink before it settles and dries in the cracks.

#wip game #tag game #answered anon #jake seresin x reader #bradley bradshaw x reader #queue

[gatheringbones]

[“December 1992: Fire flickers in the fireplace, colored lights circle the Christmas tree, a Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack plays from the corner stereo. Mom, Dad, Julian, and my very significant other, corwin, are seated on couches and loveseats, piles of wrapping and bows at our feet, piles of gifts in our laps. Mom is holding one of my gifts to her in her hands and reading what it says on the back. It is a slim gray book, barely bigger than a pamphlet, really, bearing the title Telepaths Don’t Need Safewords. This little chapbook is my first significant work of fiction, I feel. It is three erotic short stories, all with themes of bondage and SM, which I have collected and self-published under the new company, founded that March, Circlet Press.

This has been a year of change, as drastic perhaps as the year I moved out of the house and went to college. This year I quit my job in publishing and entered a graduate writing program, founded a press, and made my first professional fiction sales. I’ve sold one story to the Herotica 3 anthology, one to Penthouse. My mom knows this, I’ve told her everything, and yet…it has taken me eight months to give her a copy of the book. It’s Christmas Eve, and corwin sits in our family circle, looking over his gifts, laughing at my father’s jokes, joking with my brother. No one mentions, or notices perhaps, that he wears a leather collar around his neck.

May 1993: I picture my mother in the same position with the same expression, on stool, phone held to head with two hands, worry line and so on, as she leaves me a tense-sounding answering machine message. Nothing in the words themselves says that anything is wrong, and yet there’s an unmistakable edge there, not heard since a rainy car ride in 1985. I know, with an unnatural surety, that she has finally read the book. I call her back. She has clearly been rehearsing what to say to me. No sooner does she mention that she has read it than she produces a very tough monologue about how she didn’t spend her youth fighting for civil rights in the South to have me grow up to glorify slavery. Once this piece is said, she relaxes, and, since I can’t think of an adequate response, our conversation goes on to be like most of our phone conversations. We talk politics and pop culture, she catches me up on hometown gossip. Then she begins to complain about my father. Mother’s Day has just passed, and they’ve had a fight—Mom wishes she’d had certain issues out with him when they were newlyweds. She has almost thirty years of stored-up resentments over things she didn’t mention then, and so is unable to mention now. Our commiseration somehow leads me to describe the principle of negotiation, this being the basis of all loving SM relationships. I point out that the purpose of negotiation is to overcome the sad fact that partners, no matter how much they love one another, can not read each other’s minds.Each one is obligated to tell the other what they feel, otherwise consent has no meaning. I end with a leap of logic along the lines of, “So that’s why I feel that my eroticization of SM has to do with trust and respect for a special bond between two individuals, and nothing to do with the subjugation of one race of people by another for economic reasons.” Mom—who is, remember, extremely rational and well-adjusted—replies, “Oh. I get it now.” We’ve never argued about it since.”]

cecelia tan, from picture this, from a woman like that: lesbian and bisexual writers tell their coming out stories, 2000

#cecelia tan #bi literature #currently reading

[toringo]

i would love to hear about your thoughts on what henry thought of william, or how his opinions changed throughout the years. did he despise him by the end of it all? or were there still some bittersweet thoughts lingering there?

Depending on the version, the answer changes. Let's start with the game version because there is the least to say about him.

Despite me being an intense Helliam/Willry shipper, we know way too little about them to say just how friendly they were. In the game lore alone, I like to think they started as business rivals and Henry admired William and his work and must have liked him enough to perform with him on stage as partners. Maybe he was a bit put off by William's cold and deflective nature, but he… enjoyed him, enjoyed the time they spent together and the things they created. After he finds out that it was William who hurt his daughter for whatever petty reason, he would obviously hate him and I don't think that the hatred goes down with time. I just think that with time he gets sadder about this. I think that he wants William to die and suffer but he holds just a bit of guilt-inducing sympathy for him, nostalgia, the slightest note of longing.

Book Henry and William? Oh, they go WAY BACK. Become business partners early on, maybe even meet in college. Henry adored William when they were younger, he was Henry's best and only friend. Later, when they open Fredbear's it only becomes more intense. This version really wakes my Willry sensors. I think that book Henry loves his wife, loves his son but, shamefully, he puts William above them. Charlie above William. William - he associates with his animatronics, and he loves them (hates when they're broken, below his standards, and needs to fix them immediately). He loves William. He might not show it properly, but he does. William is very distant and so is Henry and he thinks that they're comfortable like that, being close from afar. It's comforting, they're on the same page. Until they aren't. He knows it was William when Charlie is taken, but he keeps quiet and isolates himself from everyone else, even his close family. Makes himself think it's possible to fool death. William stays at his side, and it hurts the most. I don't think he ever grows to hate William in this one, he wants him dead but only when he is about to die. He is desperate lonely and confused. He never gets to understand why William's done what he's done, he never gets a chance. I guess he is bitter, who wouldn't be, but he loves his 'faithful partner'. He puts the bare minimum into thwarting his evil plans which he himself doesn't understand and leaves, hoping to see him on the other side.

MY HENRY THOUGH. UMM. They meet in college and are polar opposites. Hate each other's guts at first but then slowly grow attached. It's a quick rival to friends. But at the friend stage… William confuses him, more than anything. Unbearably pessimistic and such a damn perfectionist, a bit too similar to Henry on that. It takes him some time to understand he's got a crush, he isn't even the first one to confess, even though he wants to. He and Will are very lovey-dovey in their own, weird, introverted nerd way. Attached at the hip. Until William dumps him for one of his friends of course, and gets married and has a kid that could not possibly be made after they broke up. So. He is heartbroken, resents William more than a little, and is desperate enough to feel pathetic at each turn. He tries to move on and gets a family, but it doesn't make his feelings go away, it only makes them worse. They become friends again later, partners, and it seems like that would be it, his heart still aches but he could get used to this. If not for the fact that William is acting as if the feeling is mutual, giving in at times only to give him the cold shoulder the very next second. He is annoyed with him and loves him so much, still. Later he goes from pity for him after 83' to a desperate need for closeness after Charlie and then blazing hatred when he finally finds out. And beyond all of that, there is this neverending pining and hurt. He sometimes is tempted to let go of the revenge, to crawl back to William and be with him. He never does, he ultimately also puts Charlie above.

#sorry if its messy doing homework and im tired #henry emily #willam afton #willry #helliam #fnaf #silver eyes #ask me anything #ask

[lightlycareless]

How are the l/n siblings and their dad going to react if (IF) y/n will have a baby (or more 😶) with naoya

With the current events, everyone will go crazier if they get to hear that Naoya and Y/N are expecting, or have a kid already—but we already knew that didn’t we? The good stuff is how they would react during better terms 😏

I think Y/N would keep the fact that she and Naoya want to have a baby in the beginning, Ren being the first one you’d tell.

You’d ask him to meet up in a café, with the excuse of just wanting to catch up, apparently nothing else—and then, you'd drop the bomb on him.

“There’s something I want to tell you” you begin, and your brother immediately tenses up. Nobody likes to be confronted like that, so anxiety is quick to shoot to the sky.

“Sure… what’s up?” He asks hesitantly, it’s not like he wanted to know but… well, he had to do it.

And the way he sees you falter for a second just makes him worry even more, like, does he need to beat up someone?? Are you dying??? Or worse, does it have to do with Naoya??

Yep, that's exactly it, but I don't think any kind of anticipation would have prepared him for what your about to say.

"Naoya and I are trying for a baby"

Ren would be the kind of person to snort out whatever he was drinking due to the shock of your statement.

He doesn't know what to say, but thankfully your excitement for having a family with the man you love is too big to notice anything else.

"That's wonderful" is what he settles for eventually, and while he was 100% shocked at the beginning, he'll slowly grow more supportive of you, and who knows… maybe he'll convince his gf to start a family too :) the idea of raising his kid alongside yours, having birthday parties together, going to the park and whatnot, is super cute to him.

Hinata, on the other hand, will resent you not because you're trying to have a family with one of the people she only tolerates for your sake, but rather, because you gave her a mental image she didn't want to have 😭😭

What I mean is that she's the kind of person that would look weird at a teacher after they announce they're pregnant. She'd be like "oh my god… they did that" and it's exactly the same with you.

More so if you're like "we're trying really hard "

She's going to deny it, but everyone knows Hinata is a huuuuuuge pervert when it comes to those things, and whenever she sees the two together, she'll only think about how you're "trying so hard" to have a baby.

Nonetheless she'll be very supportive, and can't wait to be the cool aunt :) Hinata and Ren will compete for your kid's attention.

Lastly, but not least… your dad. Eiichi is going to have the toughest time mainly because he cannot accept you're growing up. I mean, just a few weeks ago you were still going to middle school… right?? Right????

When did you grow so big???? You're married now???. And having a family too?!

But at the end of the day, he'll be very happy for you, because let's say he wasn't particularly fond of bringing Naoya into the mix… but after getting to know him a bit better, seeing how he treats you, and hearing of your decision to have a family with him, all reassures him he's a good partner and soon, a good father.

The only thing that saddens him is that his wife, your mom, won't be there to see it… but he'll be sure to make up for it by spoiling his grandchild twice as necessary. That kid is going to be the most loved, spoiled, cherished, adored child in the whole world, and it makes you super happy that after everything, you're finally able to have a happy family :)

This was very sweet anon, I have hope for the future 🥺❤️ and you got me right in my baby fever eraaaaaaaa prepare to get more stuff like this 😈

Thank you so much for sending in an ask!! Take care and hope to see you soon ❤️

#ask #ask series: first it hurts— #first it hurts—: ren #first it hurts—: hinata #first it hurts—: eiichi #naoya zenin #naoya zen'in #jjk naoya #naoya zen'in x reader #naoya x reader #naoya zenin x reader #naoya zenin x you #jjk fluff #jjk x reader #jjk fic

[moonlit-positivity]

Let's talk about abandonment

Abandonment is a horrible feeling to sit with. Always feeling like you're never good enough for anything or anyone at all. And it goes deeper than most would know. Your friends hanging out without you, can spark a feeling of rejection, which leads to abandonment. Your partner doesn't text you back right away or doesn't respond for a few hours, can spark feelings of rejection, which leads to spiraling thoughts of "do they still like me/are they mad at me? And are they gonna leave me now?" Seeing someone express an opinion that you don't agree with, can spark a feeling of rejection, which leads to, "I don't necessarily agree but I don't want them to leave me so I'm gonna agree anyway to keep them interested in me."

Rejection is at the forefront of abandonment. In a way it can feel as if we have been denied our right to existance, when someone else does something that doesn't line up with our inner needs, or does something that shows us we are all different from each other. That fear of being different can be so intense that we often just ignore it's there, because that's too scary to sit with and you never really know what to do about it.

Oftentimes in my own life, I have felt like I've wanted to be so close to someone that I could "wear their skin and pretend to be them." Adapting their life as my own. But this reeks of childhood trauma with a capital T, and I'll tell you why.

No matter how close you feel to someone, no matter how close they may feel to you, you cannot be fully enmeshed with someone else's brain. Know why? Cuz this is how you'll end up.

[img from Gumball s4e25: The Parasite]

You're no longer yourself. Your partner/friend is no longer themself. You're both entangled in a mess of co-dependency & now you've got more trauma to deal with when they inevitably leave you to take care of themselves.

The thing with abandonment & rejection, is that it is unavoidable. At some point you will be rejected. At some point you will be abandoned. Nobody stays forever, even if they want to. We as humans are constantly living, growing, evolving, and changing. You and the people in your life are no exceptions to this fact. The concept of you being left alone to deal with your own life will come up at some point. By denying this hard fact of life you're only digging yourself further into that pit of darkness for when it inevitably hits.

So how do we deal with it on a deeper level?

I think the key lies in how you feel about yourself. Is your life not good enough, for you? Your differences & your individuality, is that not good enough? You shouldn't have to feel like you're in a constant competition for affection.

If you're like me, you can definitely relate to these feelings. What I've found the most beneficial has been finding space for myself to listen to my own anger and resentments. Allow yourself to say them out loud so you can allow it to exist. It's there for a reason. You'll figure it out.

Ask yourself, "am I not enough for you?" And see who it is that comes up when you ask yourself that question (Probably ur parents but I don't know you like that to tell 🎉). And allow yourself to ask them the same thing. "Am I not enough for you?"

Majority of times, feeling rejected is from a deeper wound. A wound from our parents rejecting us. A wound from having loved someone so deeply and so wholeheartedly, who was never able to accept us as we are, and who kept up this very high pressure for us to change according to what they wanted us to be.

You're allowed to bring attention to that wound. You're allowed to reject the very harsh and cruel treatment these types of people have put on you. It was and never will be, your responsibility to make someone else happy. It was and never will be, your responsibility to please your parents. They are operating under false & delusional expectations for you. They are not capable of seeing you for who you really are.

So allow yourself to call it out. Allow yourself to feel the anger and rage that comes from being forced into someone else's perception of perfection. Allow yourself to dwell on how it felt to be subjected to such horrific treatment. Allow yourself to ask, over and over, "am I not enough for you?" Until you can finally see that worth is something you have to take back for yourself. Nobody else will ever be able to give you that, only you will. Only when you have sat and cried over and over will you realize, it shouldn't matter what someone else has forced onto you. It should only matter how you feel about yourself. And if you are good with yourself? Once you start to feel better about yourself existing exactly as you are without the constant pressure to keep up someone else's appearance? You'll start to see it for yourself.

"I am enough for me." That's all that matters.

#recovery #ptsd #trauma #mental health #boundaries #healing #healing thoughts #abandonment #rejection #rsd #rejection sensitivity #bpd #actually borderline #living with bpd #bpd fp #favorite person #borderline personality disorder #enmeshment #Codependency #communication #relationships #toxic relationships #abusive parents #abusive parenting

[sinisterexaggerator]

Headcanon, because I am an angsty bitch.

Thinking about Jango x Cad a bit. I have a lot of ideas stewing, but one in particular addresses Todo 360's role in Cad Bane's life after the death of Jango Fett.

I have thoughts about them, many thoughts. To shorten my perspective, he was mentor (canon), partner, business associate, and lover to Cad Bane.

I see them together in his early years as a hunter. They were most likely in competition with each other. Maybe Fett passed down a few tips and tricks. I am foreseeing enemies to lovers and a bit of a brat-taming scenario here.

Cad had a temper. Imagine what he was like in his youth. He was pretty feisty in the Clone Wars. I like to think about what he was like when he was first starting out and trying to prove himself.

I also like to imagine the homelife he had back on Duro, living in the ghetto, and how that helped to shape his personality and most likely gave him a warped sense of reality where he constantly feels the need to horde his wealth for a rainy day, maybe, or maybe he gets a taste of the good life and winds up blowing it every which way to the wind, thus the need for a constant supply of credits. But, I digress.

He rarely trusts anyone, for starters. To let Fett in is to drop his guard. I think Cad might even grow to love him in his own way, though perhaps it is never voiced out loud.

Maybe Jango feels a little of the same, but maybe the "clone contract" causes a rift in their relationship. I don't see Bane being fine with a million of his favorite person out wandering about. It's unethical, it's weird, it doesn't make sense. He gets the money aspect, but he's offput.

I see them having a falling out. Maybe Jango wanted the money to lead a good life, a simple life, with his son. Maybe he thought Bane might be a part of it. Bane resents Boba. The man had a kid without telling him, and worse yet, a genetic clone in some weird science experiment that gives him the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it, and now there's a whole army of them!

Worst comes to worst. Jango's off his game. He dies. Cad finds out, never having closure, never getting to say sorry, never getting to say goodbye, and now he has to come to terms with the fact his lover's face is millions strong all across the galaxy. Talk about PTSD.

He can hardly take it; he kills them every chance he gets. He knows how they operate; he knew how Jango operated. He takes trophies, helmets. "Once ye figure one out, de rest are easy."

He finds Todo, buys him, acquires him somehow. I have not yet decided. Part of me wants to say he was in a dumpster and he fixes him up for this one job, but the droid takes to him.

The little shit comes back. He's loyal. He's there for him. He doesn't mind he's a grump. He provides conversation; stimulation in the otherwise solitary hours he spends in space. He becomes a comfort, someone to talk to, somehow to fill the void that Jango left behind.

He tries to mentor Boba. He means well, he just can't bring himself to do it. He drinks himself stupid and pulls one crazy stunt too many and Boba is done. They have their duel.

Maybe Bane harbors regrets. He owed Jango this one favor; do right by his kid, and he can't even do that.

Maybe Bane's depressed. Todo 360 helps him alleviate his ails. He's his "most trusted confidant."

.

.

.

Anyway, this is the direction my fic is going.

#Cad Bane #Jango Fett #Todo 360 #Headcanon #Star Wars #fanfic #TCW #Clone Wars #Boba Fett

[amiharana]

Okay, so I've read a couple of Revalink soulmate AU fics but I can never get through them because honestly I've never really liked the concept. And honestly, I feel like there's a decent chance Link would feel the same.

I mean, you've got a guy who didn't really get to choose almost anything about his life - he's a knight because his father was, he's Zelda's guard because he was selected by the King, he's the chosen hero because he's destined for it - and then he doesn't even get to choose who he falls in love with? And in most soulmate AUs probably has a literal physical mark on his body constantly reminding him of that fact? That's not romantic, that's existentially horrifying!

This idea might already be a thing but I've never really read fanfic before about a month ago when I got the Revalink brainrot so I don't know, but here's an idea I call the anti-soulmate AU.

Basically Revali doesn't have whatever soulmate-identifying mark exists in this story, and Link does, which is part of why Revali resents Link while Link is in some ways envious of Revali for the opposite reason. Somehow they end up actually talking to each other and grow close, and eventually Link basically decides "fuck it, I don't care that there's some destined perfect partner for me, I'm choosing to be with this guy." And even though they provably aren't soulmates and their relationship maybe isn't perfect, they still love each other and are happy together.

There can be some angst about Revali feeling insecure since there is someone out there who objectively would be a better partner for Link even though Link doesn't actually want to be with them, and about how this is basically depriving Link's soulmate of their perfect partner. Who that person is doesn't really matter, but making it Mipha would add even more to her whole "tragic one-sided pining" thing. Or it could just be some random person, like I said it's kinda unimportant.

Anyway the Calamity happens, and since Link kinda-sorta-dies whatever soulmate mark he has goes too and he's finally totally free from it. I have no idea if that's a thing that happens in these AUs, like I said I don't really read them much, but it kinda makes sense and fits this story so whatever. Maybe have Revali be revived after Ganon's defeated so there can be a happy ending.

Revalink as a concept is always just a little bit contrived. You have to mess with the timeline of the backstory if you want them to be a thing pre-calamity, you need to change how the Champion ghosts work to have them be a thing mid-game, or you need to have all the champions come back from the dead in order to have them be a thing post-canon, and you almost always need to mess with their personalities to have it be even slightly plausible. It's always kinda messy and doesn't totally make sense, and in this story that would basically be true in-universe and that's exactly why Link wants to be with him. He's pretty much the exact opposite of a perfect, destined partner who fits together with Link flawlessly.

Sorry for basically writing the entire synopsis of a fic that doesn't exist and probably isn't even that good of an idea, but as I mentioned I have the Revalink brainrot and I have no friends who I can send ideas like this to and I need to tell them to somebody.

so first of all, NEVER apologize to me for writing a whole fic synopsis in my askbox. my friend, are you familiar with my blog? all i do is write the longest fic rambles in the world here instead of writing full-fledged fic to upload to ao3 ☝️😭 so please do not even worry!!! i like ur fic idea a lot and it's good!!! and if you'd like, we can be friends and u can do what crow cryiling (affectionate) does and spam my inbox or messages w your ideas whenever you want 🤍 i luv to hear about revalink always

i honestly really love soulmate aus because i'm a hopeless romantic 😭🤍 SORRY but i do agree that to write a really good soulmate au for revalink, you can't just put any soulmate au template on them. like revali himself will actively break the fourth wall to fight against it because it just doesn't fit their dynamic; their whole relationship is built off of defying fate, re:your second-to-last paragraph. canon botw doesn't outline a clear path for revalink to ever be together in the way it might for zelda, mipha, or sidon even, so we'll always have to bend or break the rules of their universe for even a glimpse of future where they can be happy together 🥹 but it's the best part of their dynamic: they weren't supposed to be together, but goddamn it do they look good together.

i remember reading a fic where link and revali did have soulmate-identifying marks (i forgot what it was called but link's soul mark was revali's entire monologue in the revali's flap memory, and link hated him for it LMAO), but the idea that link would despise seeing the mark is so 🥺💔 i'm imagining maybe link was so excited to have one as a child, but after pulling the master sword and becoming a knight of hyrule, he now sees how he's doomed his soulmate to being tied to him and how he's responsible for their future or whatever. link has gotta develop some sort of altruistic complex about how he has to serve the people even at the cost of himself, i can't articulate it well right now, but i hope you get what i mean??? but that influences his resentment at the existence of the soulmark — not that he resents the person who is his actual soulmate, just the fact that he has one because he views himself as a burden on his soulmate as a result of his current position in life.

revali being born without a soul mark makes me so sad 😭 mixing this with my hc about him being orphaned, but revali getting bullied for not only not having parents but also not having a soulmate 💔💔 some of these rito kids are dickheads talking about "the goddesses wouldn't grant you even one person who would love you, haha!" and it definitely influences his workaholic tendencies training to become to most powerful warrior ever. he copes by saying he thinks soulmates are ridiculous and that there was no way there was another person in the world who could be perfect for you, that you should be given the ability to choose who you wanted to be with (but deep down, revali wants to know who the goddess would have chosen for him, if he did have a soulmate ㅠㅠ)

what do you think the conversation between link and revali would be like when they decide they want to be together, soulmates or not? what about the moment they fall for each other? who falls first? would it be mutual pining and trying to resist at first, because revali knows link has a soulmate who he deserves more than revali and link holding back because he knows what revali feels about the whole soulmate thing? or do they fall in love without holding back anyway, with link not caring for his soulmate at all like you mentioned? making mipha link's soulmate........ so tragic i feel bad for her fr if link resented her for being his soulmate kJDFKJD 😭 i lowkey wanna write these scenes tho idk HAHAHAH

the soul mark disappearing after link "dies" and is put in the shrine of resurrection is a really interesting idea though! like what's the mechanics behind that? i feel you'd have to go back and decide how the soulmate system works; is it a mysterious magic that no one can figure out? is it decided by some god of fate or love, hyrule's counterpart to aphrodite/eros? how did the magic decide that because link was "dead", he can't have a soulmate anymore/disconnected him from his soulmate? or what if link's soulmate died during the calamity before he was put in the shrine and soulmate-logic was like 'if your soulmate is dead, the mark disappears' so link's mark fades mid-battle and he doesn't realize it? and furthermore, link waking up in the shrine a century later and looks at his hand or some shit where the mark used to be and either (1) feeling a strange sense of melancholy at the empty spot on his skin or (2) looking at it but feeling nothing at all, and continuing with getting out of the shrine.

you could also explore how soulmate dynamics change throughout the hundred years he's gone. i'm sure plenty of people died during the calamity and lost their soulmates, so how does that alter the whole societal norms and culture surrounding soulmates? are people still born with soulmates after the calamity? do you think it becomes a taboo, that it's dangerous to meet your soulmate because what if you lose them? or do they see it as a mark of fortune, that love still prevails even in this near godless world after an era of tragedy? and then how does link interact with the world following his awakening, to find out that people have soulmates and look back at the empty, unmarred part of his skin and wonder, did he have one too? who were they? did he love them, and did they love him too?

AND ANOTHER THING, if mipha was his soulmate back then, does she still have her soul mark on her ghost?????? what if she did because well. it's her spirit and not her actual body, so when link meets her again post-waterblight, she's saddened by not only link's lack of memory of her but also the fact he's lost his soul mark. and also remembering that link would still probably resent her if he had his memory.

furthermore, there's two scenarios that instantly come to mind when i think about post-calamity revalink here. (1) revali seeing link post-windblight but link doesn't remember and revali having a similar reaction/feeling to mipha, but is having an internal conflict about whether or not he should be happy that link no longer has a soulmate he's bound to or sad that because of that, he'll never have another chance with link again because he's dead </3 or (2) champions are revived but link still doesn't remember his time with revali pre-calamity so revali is trying to give link an out and let him go to be given the chance to love someone else in his new life, but for whatever reason link is still drawn to him, moving to rito village and practically living in revali's shadow. it's another slow-burn of them falling in love all over again and maybe link gets his memories back?

if you ever plan on writing this, my friend....... feel free to send it to me because i'd Love to read it. like fr. there's so much potential for this one

#revalink #ask #exceedinglygayotter #anti-soulmate au #i'm still a shooter for a revalink soulmate au KJDHSKDF but it really does have to be well written for me to enjoy it #but the messing around with revalink is one of my favorite parts ab their dynamic i think #nothing is truly concrete about their characters in botw so there's a lot of creative liberty that can be taken #link can be whatever you want bc technically Us at the Players Are Link #and someone in my ao3 comments mentioned this but #because there's not a lot of revali's character to really draw from canonically there's not really an “OOC” version of revali? #like you can't prove that he's always a dickhead like that because he kinda has a one-dimensional personality in botw LOL #so as long as you stay near that facet and expand on it #you have free reign over both of their characters and the only limitation is the world you put them in #i'm just rambling now sorry i'm sleepy #but anyways i Do like this au and i would really love to see more of it <3 #sorry it was so late btw LMFAOKDJFH

[intheorangebedroom]

Pleased to meet you, chapter 8

Summary: Meeting Frankie again is nothing like the two of you imagined, and you both deal with it in whatever ways you can.

Pairing: Frankie Morales x French fem!Reader.

Rating: Explicit 🔞

A/N: This chapter tried to kill me, I shit you not. I'm not sure if I like it, but if I have to go through it one more time I think I might gauge my eyes out. I only survived thanks to @the-ginger-hedge-witch and @frannyzooey 's support, I adore them forever and ever, thank you for your patience, I don't deserve you. Good thing is, this one was so tough on me, I worked on the next simultaneously and it's almost ready (and a much lighter read). So please, if you will, stick with me. With them. There's a big part of that chapter that could be titled "Stfu Tom", and @fuckyeahdindjarin, nudge nudge wink wink.

Word Count: 4.3k.

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Chapter 8: Shuffle Your Feet

(👆🏻@nicolethered 🙌🏻)

The first thing you recall when you see him, flashing through your static brain at the speed of light, is the only thing you’d completely forgotten about. The last kiss, exchanged in the dim light of an early Monday morning under a threatening sky carrying heavy grey clouds, wind picking up and swirling around you in the quiet street. Downstairs, outside his building, when his sister came to pick him up. A sweet kiss with closed lips and closed eyes, as if the two of you were suddenly shy, after two days and three nights of obscene prospecting. As if outside the realm of the orange bedroom, different rules applied. Why had you forgotten about that? That chaste kiss spoke a thousand feelings.

Sunk into the passenger seat of Benny’s car, you’re crashing down from the adrenaline rush and everything hurts. A painful drumming is steadily increasing in intensity behind your right eye, the muscles in your shoulders strings of steel and the joints of your hips in a lock from sitting unnaturally up straight in that damn wooden chair all night, stiff as a plank, trying your hardest not to look dead on your feet, a shrunken shadow of yourself.  

Peering through the window, you watch the city lights shining bright and blending into blurred rainbows with the speed of the car, the colours combining into an angrily rattling noise pounding heavily in your ears. You clench your eyes shut but it only makes things worse because then, all you can see is him, that damn hat, and his fuming glare. 

Tomorrow’s Tuesday. You’ll be sharing tacos with Rosie. For the first time ever, you’re not so sure you want to be with her. She’ll be seeing right through you, and you can play that scene in your head as though you’ve already suffered through it. The first thing she’ll ask will be if you trust yourself to keep away from Frankie. And when you’ll hesitate a beat too long, she’ll advise you to walk away from it all. She'll say something witty, it’s a car crash in slow motion, or something along those lines. 

You should listen to her and you know it. No, you need more time to process what happened tonight, to carefully choose what you will be telling her, and make it sound convincing. 

You’ve made a point of not mentioning the orange bedroom these past years, although it’s constantly on your mind, because you’re neither blind nor thick and you were quick to notice her exasperated sideways glances and her short replies. You can’t resent her for growing tired of listening to you, rehashing the same details over and over again in masochistic delight. You don’t resent her, but it does feel lonely. 

Besides, there’s been a shifting point in your life, one that crept up slow and steady in your mind through the years until it stood there, all encompassing, unavoidable: you were not sure anymore which fact was real and which was embroidered. 

And all of a sudden, you have to confront a ghost, a recollection you’ve compared to and chosen over every single partner passing through your life, to Francisco “Catfish” Morales. You don’t even know what the hell catfish means. You realise Benny has been talking about him in passing for months, and you were none the wiser because of this stupid nickname. Your mind scrambles as you try to piece into place the scarce anecdotes and stories, to form the shape of today Frankie. 

You see it so clearly now, how the idolised fantasy became a rampart, how a missed shot at happiness turned into an excuse to play it safe, never fully committing yourself to any relationship. Standing on the outside. Tiptoeing over the edge. It’s dizzying. Have you ruined your life over a memory?

Benny’s voice jolts you out of your thoughts.

“So what’d you think of the guys?”

The leather feels too hot under your thighs. You uncross your arms and shift on the seat, slightly shuffling your feet on the metal floor so that the blood keeps circulating in your numb limbs. 

“You ok, baby?”

Car lights gleam over his handsome face, his eyes glimmering with a lighter shade of blue under his knitted brows, strands of thick blond hair sweeping across his forehead. You like to run your hand in there, brush them back. 

It’s not very often that he picks up on your moods. You’ve never left him the chance, preferring to withdraw to the safety of your apartment whenever melancholy drags you down.

“Yeah, I’m okay, I think I’ve had too much to drink,” your voice sounds too high. 

Could you use that excuse to ask him to turn the car around and take you to your place instead?

“Shit, you know, I didn’t realise you were so nervous until you asked for that whiskey.”

That fucking bourbon is sure lying heavy on your stomach right now, you can’t wait to brush your teeth to get rid of that cloying taste.

“I’m good, really, I’ll take something at home.”

At home. Meaning his house. 

“So what’d you think of the guys?” he asks again, like a stubborn child.

“I like Yovanna,” you answer with a smirk, a hollow imitation of the way you constantly tease one another. It’s easier, however, to begin that conversation by enunciating something you genuinely believe. If things were different, you’d be thrilled to have made a new friend. 

Benny chuckles nervously, the sound strangely unfamiliar, miles away from his usual booming bursts of laughter. Another pang of guilt churns your insides. Tonight was about him, it meant something to him. 

“I liked them, Benny, really. Pope, especially, he’s good company.” You pause, but not long enough to hold back your next words. “Your friend Frankie didn’t speak much.” Your mouth goes dry around the name. 

“Yeah, he was completely off, today, he got these moods, sometimes. I mean, he never talks much, but he’s fun. You’ll see. And what about Tom?” he adds, darting an anxious look your way.

Ah, yes. Tom. You know precisely why Benny’s asking about him in particular. 

Yovanna’s warning was concise but accurate, and you already hate the guy. He wasn’t particularly nice to you, when he deigned to acknowledge your presence, that is, but you’ve got thicker skin than that. 

The tallest and broadest amongst the five men, his commanding demeanour easily cued you in as to his position within the tightly woven group. Tom was their leader on the field, and he’s still the last one to talk on most topics, despite Pope subtly -and perhaps not intentionally, you can’t tell yet- challenging him now and then. He might have been handsome in his youth, charming even, but sleepless nights and far too much alcohol have taken a hard toll on his features. What transpires most, however, is his bitterness. Benny told you about his circumstances, how his wife left him after he had lost yet another job, how he struggles to make ends meet, how he hardly ever sees his kids. An accomplished officer, a failure of a civilian. 

And even though you recognise the fact that you can’t possibly grasp an understanding of the difficulty of that particular sort of transition, you cannot abide his meanness. Three hours is the total amount of time you’ve spent in their company tonight, three hours during which your own life has been turned upside down and you’ve lost your bearings, and yet it is very obvious to you that nothing is ever Tom’s fault. Shit just happen to him, or so he seems to think. The man doesn’t own up to anything. Worst, he takes out his resentment on the people around him. 

You know Will has incurred many injuries, both physically and figuratively. Wounded several times, shot in the head, he too lost his fiancée because of an invasive, crippling PTSD. You reckon they all have suffered, hell, Benny takes punches for a living. Disposable assets, now discarded by the very government they fought for, risking their lives and compromising their souls, you suppose all five of them, on some level, harbour a form of resentment. But none of them seem to let it govern their lives to the extent that Tom does. You have to assume it is constituent to his character. It’s always been there. 

And every single time you managed to follow the ongoing conversation, you found him picking on his friends. On Frankie, more often than not, and you can’t shake from your mind the way his alarmed eyes flicked up to your face when Tom alluded to the “recent fuck up that got him grounded”. 

The entire table fell silent. You felt Will uncomfortably moving on his chair as he crossed his arms on his chest, clearing his throat, silently signalling his friend he’d gone too far. The incident didn’t last longer than a few seconds, but a rightful wrath flared up in your heart at the sight of Frankie ducking his head, hiding his face under the brim of his hat. 

You know he can fend for himself, but the words came out of your mouth before you could bite down on them. 

“Yeah, seems to me like you’re one to talk,” you said in your mother’s voice, cold and unforgiving.

As Tom stared at you blankly, Frankie shot up from his seat, more than he stood, asking if anyone wanted another round. Pope spoke next, of course it had been Pope, smoothly steering the conversation into a different direction.

Now you’re left wondering who Frankie was trying to protect. Tom, you, or himself. What has he endured? What has he lost? What has he become? These are thoughts that you’ve cautiously repressed for years. 

“I’ll warm up to him, don’t worry,” you lie to Benny. 

Benny likes him, and you won’t hurt Benny. Not if you can help it. 

You are so fucked.

“So you’ll be coming with me, Sunday?”

Your puzzled look prompts him to explain. 

“Will’s having a barbecue at his place. For his birthday. You know him, he didn’t wanna do anything, but Pope talked him into it. I guess Yovanna will be there”, he adds, “I can ask if you want?”

Sweet Benny. 

“Sure, I’ll come. I’d like to see her again,” your mouth’s gone drier and you swallow thickly.

See her, see them, see Frankie… Is this what your life is going to be like, from now on? A never-ending cycle of polite social interactions with the man you’ve longed for your entire adult life? Would Rosie be so far off? Shouldn’t you be heading to Newark right now, and board the first flight to Paris? Just run away from it all? Are you just going to sit in the car as it crashes in slow motion?

You know you shouldn’t. And you know you are going to. You won’t pass on another opportunity to see him, be near him, hear his voice. Whatever it may cost you. Because it will come at a cost. 

It’s a hazard. Will’s onto you, you’re sure he is, all evening he’s been looking at you looking at Frankie. 

You wonder if he’s ever told any of them about you. You’re not certain if you want to know the answer to that, or what you want it to be. 

“What about the nicknames, you never explained?” You just cannot help yourself. “Pope for instance,” you add quickly,“ Santi, right?”

Benny finally lightens up. 

“Santiago, yeah. They already knew each other with Frankie when we met them, but it’s Will who started calling him that. That’s cos he wants to save the world. Always giving these speeches, gotta take down all them bad guys, you know, there’s always one left to take out. He’s still down there most of the time, ‘cept he works private, now. That’s how he met Yovanna.”

“She told me, yes.”

“She’s nice. I like her. Old man scored himself a beautiful girl,” he muses in his musical, velvety voice. 

You appreciate his sincerity, and the fact that he gives you enough credit to express his appreciation of another woman in front of you. He gets lost in his thoughts for a moment and you grimace unwillingly before you ask again, “And Catfish?”

There goes the booming laughter.

“Oh baby, I can’t tell you that!” he answers with a shake of his head. “That’s nasty stuff!”

Not that much credit, then. 

Fucking hell.

—

The mouthwash burns the inside of your cheeks as you try to hold it in just a bit longer. Inconsequential physical pain grounds you rather efficiently, you discovered as a teenager. You used to do worse. You wish you still could. 

You hear footsteps approaching on the tiled floor and you quickly reach for your phone to close the tab displaying your Google search before Benny joins you in the bathroom. Bare-chest, wearing only his navy-blue briefs, his tall figure towers over you, and as you avoid looking at his face in the mirror, your eyes briefly flick to the grim tattoo on his right shoulder. 

“You coming, baby?” he runs a hand along your back under your thread-bare Petit Bateau t-shirt.

He drags it up around your side, up to your breast, kneading it softly. Your shoulders contract instinctively, imperceptibly. You spit out the blue liquid in the sink and run the tap, an innocuous routine that should be reassuring but feels like you’re stalling. 

When you get into the bed, the sheets are cold against your bare thighs, every single thread of the fabric grazing your skin. You seek Benny’s warmth and curl up against his solid body, fearing he’ll mistake your intentions but desperately needing the comfort of his embrace. You can’t be lonely with your thoughts, right now. He wraps his arms around your waist and draws you in closer, hitching a leg on top of yours. 

“Damn you’re cold, you want me to warm you up?” 

You know this playful tone, and sure enough his mouth skates up the length of your neck, sucking in your earlobe softly, so you answer, as gently as you can, as evenly as possible, “No, I’m fine like this. I just want this. Please.”

His hesitancy sinks in your belly like a stone, one that his unexpected tenderness, as he brushes his lips to your forehead, telling you to “sleep tight”, does nothing to alleviate. 

Sweet, sweet Benny.

Are you in love with Benny? Could you be? What’s love, really, anyway? Is it slowly getting to know somebody and easing yourself into a soothing domesticity, or spending half of your life obsessing over a near stranger with whom you’ve only spent a weekend? And what’s intimacy? The contentment you experience when Benny holds your hand while you’re watching a movie in his living-room, or the agonising ecstasy of Frankie’s taste on your tongue in the orange bedroom? 

—

When Frankie pulls into his driveway, it’s a moment before he can unwind his fingers from the steering wheel, where his knuckles have gone white. He kills the engine, pulls the handbrake, and lays his head against the headrest, closing his eyes. He sits there until the light goes off in the cab, allowing the soothing darkness to envelop him. This is good. This is calm. He might just stay here all night, hiding in his truck from this new reality. 

You’re here. You’re real. You came back to him and he doesn’t know what to make of it. You’re with Benny now. 

Alright, this is not working. He’ll get in and get drunk. Get shitfaced and black out, what could possibly be worse than picture you with Benny? He saw plain as day how you recoiled from his touches all night. Recognised the panic in your wide, earnest eyes. Your eyes can’t hide shit. Not from him. He hates that he can still read you out so easily. 

It’s not true, though, because he has no idea why you behaved like that. It doesn’t make any sense, doesn’t answer to any kind of logic. And that’s not true either. It does make perfect sense: you were ashamed, caught red-handed in your lie of “I’ll call you, I swear”, like hell you did, only underneath years of incomprehension and anger, it’s obvious to him now that he had never stopped hoping.  

Never mind that you came back at Redfly the way you did. Doesn’t mean anything. 

He takes off his cap and throws it on the empty passenger seat, running his fingers through his hair and his palm over his face. He has to take off the edge, somehow. 

Izzy stuck her neck out for him, asking her ex to represent him in that bullshit suspension case, and it’s looking good, so far. Not that he really deserves it, but that woman’s a first-rate lawyer, and she might get him out of that shitty situation. He’ll be able to fly again. That’s all that matters, he reminds himself, he can’t risk that. 

He knows exactly who ratted him out, that little shit Giovanni from tech support, who saw him that one time in a bar. He never showed up at work loaded, not once, he had this too under control. And when he told his friend about it, Benny offered to give Giovanni a lesson, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Cold sweat breaks on his back as it downs on him that Benny might have told you about that. The youngest of the Miller brothers can be chatty. 

What do you know about him? What have you heard? What do you think? Is it too late to hope he might be able to curate the version of him you’ll get to see? Does it matter, anyway? He’s got no right, no claim on you. 

Besides, the shock on your face had been genuine when you entered the bar. Most likely, Benny never mentioned him to you. 

Unless… unless you had completely forgotten about him. 

His hands fly to the steering wheel again, violently griping it. He bares his teeth with a growl, failing to withhold the roaring “FUCK” rumbling out from his gut that thunders in the truck. 

He fishes out his phone from the breast pocket of his suede jacket and taps in the code. Anya is probably still awake, and if she is, she’ll give him what he needs. It’s not even a minute before he gets an answer to his text.

Not giving himself time to think, he puts his hat back on and starts the engine again, pulling out of the driveway in one swift maneuver. When he turns on the stereo, Grace Slick’s entrancing voice echoes in the cab through the crackling speakers and he quickly switches to another station with a tick of his jaw and a shake of his head. Huh-huh, the white noise of bad pop will do just fine. 

It’s a short drive over to Anya’s small apartment and he gets there in less than half an hour, careful not to let his mind wander to anything but the road. 

He’s still in the corridor when she opens her door, her sylphlike body wrapped in a flamboyant silk kimono, and he gets in briskly, greeting her with a grunt, hiding his eyes under the brim of his hat. 

His tall figure looks massive in the cluttered living-room, lit by two table lamps covered with scarves. She surveys his tense frame with her slightly bulging blue eyes as he takes off his jacket and throws it on the back of a velvet easy chair. 

“You look like shit, Morales. What happened, this time?” 

It’s heartwarming, this collective effort to break his balls, tonight. The ever present arrogance in her deep voice generally bounces off his skin, but not today. Today it raises goosebumps on the back of his neck. 

“I’m not really here to talk, Anya.”

His strained voice comes out too aggressive. She has nothing to do with it, he reminds himself. She might not be the nicest person but she always picks up her phone. It still requires strenuous efforts to speak in a gentler tone when he says, “I know I’m barging in on you, I’m sorry. I can leave, if you prefer.”

“No, I see. Straight to business,” she scoffs.

Her very gait exudes haughtiness as she closes the distance between them and plants herself in front of him, pinning him down with her extraterrestrial gaze, before cupping him through his jeans. 

Fuck, he really doesn’t want to be here. 

“Well? What are you waiting for, Morales, take off your clothes.”

Tension rolls off of him, denser than a power line. He’s seen her thin, stern lips stretch over perfect, pearly white veneers in the past, but he’s never seen a smile reach her eyes. Perhaps his company is to blame. 

Frankie reminds himself why he comes here, to this stone-cold woman. It’s a transaction that doesn’t entail money. He gets her off. She provides him with an outlet. She doesn’t really want to know, she never really listens, and he gets to go home weary enough to sleep a dreamless sleep, no harm done, no consequences.

Tonight shouldn’t feel any different. He came here before, burdened with things to forget and sounds to quieten, shotguns, absences, engines, your moans against his chest. But tonight your voice rings louder in his ears and it feels like a betrayal. And as he follows Anya to her bedroom, toeing off his boots and taking off his jeans and briefs, it starts feeling also like a descent.

He spits in his hand and roughly fists his cock, walking over to the vanity where she keeps her condoms while she unties her silk robe and sits crisply on the bed. She doesn’t let him bring his own rubbers, rather making him wear some fancy, organic ones. Extra thin, and expensive, and it does feel better, only on some occasions, like now, he could do without this kind of realism. 

When he walks back to the bed, still not fully erect, she knocks his hand off and takes him in her mouth, licking broad, messy stripes, stroking him forcefully up and down.

Frankie lets his head roll back, his eyes clenched, focusing on the sensation of his cock swelling inside the wet hot cavern of her mouth, blocking her voracious moans, until he's hard and heavy, grabbing her thin hair in his large hand and taking over, deep-throating her in short, rapid thrusts until she gags on his length. 

“Oh man, you have the sweetest fucking dick in town,” she croons in a raspy voice, looking at him provocatively from under her pale eyelashes and wiping the spit off her chin with the back of her hand. 

He handles her with brisk yet measured strength when he turns her around and positions her on all fours on the edge of the bed. More often than not, Frankie finds it hard to look at her face while he fucks into her, especially tonight with nothing more than two pints of beer in his system. She likes it best this way too. It serves a double purpose. The faster she comes, the sooner he’s out.

After deftly rolling the condom down his length, he quickly lines himself up and shoves his cock inside her all the way down to his base. If it’s too much, she doesn’t show, and he starts moving fast, drawing out completely and sinking back in brutal strokes.  

Sweat’s dripping down his back, his dampened shirt glued to his frame with how harshly he’s pounding her. Hands braced on the emerald green satin comforter, Anya’s meeting him thrust for thrust, and he tugs her ass upward with a bruising grip for purchase as he fucks her faster. 

“Yes! Morales, fuck, just like–”

Frankie clasps her mouth with his left hand, the sound of his hips snapping brutally against Anya’s bony ass louder than his husky groans. Staring at a dark spot on her shoulder, he doesn’t let his mind wander, focused on the rhythm of his thrusts, on staving off his release just long enough so that she’ll come first. 

Frankie’s down for pretty much anything, but she has a way of taking it that makes it feel wrong giving it to her. 

—

When he arrives back at his house, half an hour later, he doesn’t take the time to take off his jacket or his boots and rushes straight to his living-room. Next to the beat-up brown couch stands a large, handmade wooden bookshelf supporting books of all kinds, meticulously lined up by topics and sub-categories, novels, non-fiction, textbooks, magazines. There are two rows of European fiction, top and second shelves, and in the one below, a small indentation in the alignment. He reaches up and plunges his hand behind the books, where he finds it immediately. Like muscle memory. 

His shoulders finally drop as he looks at the big black cat in a white bow tie holding a gun on the book cover. A slow, long exhale, and he opens it, on the right page. There’s no miracle to that, the back of the book bears a deep crease from having been stretched opened so often on that exact same excerpt. 

The midnight ball.

Tonight he thinks he might just take that damn book and burn it. But he’s thought that before. And the book is still here, following him everywhere he goes like regrets. 

The red imprint is slightly smeared from that one time he ran his thumb over it, like he did over your lips on the last night, silently asking you to open up for him. Pleading, more like it. But that’s the thing, isn’t it? With you he didn’t need to ask, he didn’t have to plead. You gave him everything. He chose you, and you chose him. 

Fuck. Why did it have to be Benny?

His movements weighed down by weariness, Francisco Catfish Morales returns the book to its hiding place, having made it through another day.    

****

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