#i HATE all these families so much. I’d say I hope they both kill each other but that’s been happening in NegOr for DECADES | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

maximoffcarter · 29 days

Text

You're stuck with me.

Pairings: Casey Novak x reader.

Summary: Casey Novak and reader joined the squad almost at the same time, but as soon as they met, there was a spark that they couldn't deny. They were so in love that nothing really mattered to them, but maybe reader's last name could be a problem?"

A/n: This was requested by an anon, they gave me the choice to either use it with Alex or reader so...I decided to make reader a Cabot haha. I hope you guys enjoy this and please don't be afraid to send me any requests or ideas that you have, the more I have, the more I'm willing to post. I've missed so much writing that I'm having the time of my life. Enjoy and leave your comments, reblogs, hearts, whatever you'd like, will be very much appreciated🫶🏻

*not my gif*

When y/n joined the SVU squad, the last thing she wanted was to be known as Alex Cabot’s little sister. Everywhere she went, even the most unexpected places in New York, they knew about the Cabot legacy, and it was for sure that precinct sixteen knew very well who Alex Cabot was, but y/n was working her way through to be a detective in Boston, wanting to stay away from Manhattan as much as she could. Her idea had even been to be transferred to Chicago at some point, but for some reason -maybe destiny- she ended up being transferred to SVU. She had almost begged Cragen to not tell people she was a Cabot, she knew how everyone appreciated her and were devastated when she had ‘died’, but the last thing she needed, was to be reminded of her name. Of course, it was inevitable, but she thought that at least she tried. The whole squad treated her like she was part of the family, saying she reminded them so much of Alex. She wasn’t too mad about it, but she wanted to be recognized for her work, for herself, not for Alex or her last name.

The only person that truly recognized her for who she was, just y/n, was Casey Novak. Casey and y/n had almost joined at the same time, both understanding each other in some level since they were the new members of team and they both felt left out even if they were all over y/n. Y/n tried to convince herself that since only Olivia and Elliot knew that Alex was alive, maybe the rest of the team just wanted to make sure that she was safe, and Olivia and Elliot knew that if they didn’t take care of y/n, then Alex would come back from the dead and kill them both.

But Casey, she only saw her as y/n, as the sweet girl that she happened to run into while she was leaving court, the sweet girl that was in charge of asking Casey for warrants if they needed one, the sweet girl that she was starting to fall for. For Casey, she was only y/n, and she wouldn’t have it any other way. Y/n had become so close with Casey that she couldn’t help her heart, she had started to fall in love with her, and she kinda hated it because it was against her rules, to date someone she worked with, and the very first rule; never date attorneys. But did she mind? Not one bit. Not when it came to Casey.

Casey looked up as y/n leaned over the doorframe with a silly smile. “You’re here to ask for a warrant, aren’t you?” She grinned.

Y/n chuckled. “How do you know?” She raised her brow as she walked to Casey’s desk and sat on it, looking down at Casey. “You know that’s mostly my job.” She grinned.

“Right, because they know we’re close and I wouldn’t come for your ass.” Casey grinned as she looked up at y/n. “Johansson case?”

“Yep.” Y/n sighed. “We believe he might be hiding something in his apartment, but he won’t tell us more. We believe his wife is also involved and she might be hiding something. We have enough reason to go to his apartment.”

Casey sighed softly. “Fine. Donnelly is the judge. I’m sure I can convince her.” She then smirked. “Or I can just tell her that y/n Cabot told me she needed it.”

Y/n furrowed her brows. “Hey, thought you were my friend.” She shook her head. “Do not use my last name.”

Casey stood up and stood in front of y/n. “You know I’m kidding. I’d never do that, even if they asked me to.” She offered a sweet smile.

Y/n smiled softly. “I know.”

Casey looked down at the floor for a moment as she moved closer to y/n, positioning herself between her legs. “So…only friends, huh?” She looked up at y/n, she had that little grin and look in her eyes that made y/n’s knees weak.

Y/n gulped as she looked up at Casey. “Uh…well, we…we never-“

Casey tilted her head. “I thought it was pretty clear.” She whispered softly, her voice becoming raspier.

“What?” Y/n whispered softly as Casey got impossibly closer to her body.

“That I want more than just a friendship.” Casey smirked as her hand went to y/n’s waist and the other on y/n’s neck, her finger tracing y/n lips as she wetted her own. “That you’re mine.” She tilted her head again. “Or do I need to remind you?”

Y/n felt her breath hitched, her body reacting to Casey’s touch instantly, and her hands going to Casey’s waist to pull her closer. “You don’t need to, but I’d like you to still remind me.” She grinned softly.

Casey chuckled darkly, leaning down, and closing the gap between them in a slow but passionate kiss, earning a moan from y/n as Casey gripped the back of her hair. Y/n kissed her back, wrapping her legs around Casey, making her arms wrap around y/n’s neck as she felt herself almost tripping, making them pull away. They laughed softly as Casey rested her forehead against y/n’s.

“I’m sorry.” Y/n whispered softly, looking up at Casey.

“You got a little too excited there.” Casey chuckled as she kissed her forehead softly. “But hey…” She placed her hand on y/n’s cheek and smiled. “I mean it. I do want us…this. To be more.”

“Are you asking me to be your girlfriend, Casey Novak?” Y/n smiled.

Casey grinned as she nodded. “I am, y/n Cabot.”

Y/n chuckled softly. “Then my answer is yes. I’d love to.” She smiled as she leaned in to kiss her lips again. “You know that anyone could walk in and find us like this, right?”

Casey looked behind y/n and chuckled, looking back at y/n. “You got something on your eye, I was just helping you.” She grinned as she kissed her nose.

Y/n rolled her eyes playfully, but before she could say anything else, her phone went off, sighing softly. “That could be Liv.”

“I’ll go get you the warrant.” Casey kissed her lips one more time before she moved. “I’ll call you when I have it.”

Y/n nodded. “Thanks.” She smiled before he hopped off the desk and made her way out of the office. “See you later!”

********************

A whole year passed when y/n had asked Casey to move in with her, the whole squad now knew that the two women were dating, and they would be lying if they said they didn’t see it coming. They became closer than ever, and their love only grew stronger, making every day easier to go by. Y/n had already mentioned Casey to her parents, knowing that even if they didn’t have Alex anymore, they could be happy with the thought that their little girl was happy with someone by her side, a surprise visit happened and that’s when Casey met y/n’s parents. Everything went smoothly, her parents loved Casey and were happy for y/n. But then her mother passed away, and Casey stood by her side every step of the way. Casey knew how hard it was for y/n to not have Alex by her side, so she tried her best to be there whenever y/n needed her. What she didn’t expect after a few months, was the arrival of a case that brought her sister back from the dead.

The moment Alex came back, y/n told her everything that had happened after she joined SVU, and of course, she couldn’t leave out that her girlfriend was the one that was prosecuting the guy that shot her. Y/n sat with Casey and Alex through the whole thing, both supporting her girlfriend and supporting her sister, she knew Casey felt more pressure knowing that y/n cared so much about this case, not only for Antonio but for Alex too. Once the whole trial was over, y/n went to meet Alex, receiving a call that she had to go again for a while and she didn’t know for how long, so they met for a final coffee to say goodbye. Y/n went back to their apartment and closed the door behind her, taking off her coat and putting it on the rack, making her way to the living room and smiled as she found Casey on the couch.

“Hey there.” Casey smiled as she closed the file she had on her lap, putting it aside as she extended her arms for y/n.

Y/n sat on Casey’s lap and wrapped her arms around her middle, burying her face on Casey’s neck as she wrapped her arms around y/n. “Thought I’d find you asleep.”

“I wanted to wait for you.” Casey kissed her forehead softly, her hands going up and down her back.

Y/n sighed softly. “She’s gone, not sure for how long.”

“I’m sorry, baby. But it’s for her safety.”

Y/n nodded. “I know.”

“I got a call from my dad.” Casey whispered softly. “He wants me to visit this weekend for my mom’s birthday.”

“When are you leaving?” Y/n asked softly.

Casey nibbled her lip. “I was…thinking…we could in the afternoon on Friday.”

Y/n moved to look at Casey, fully sitting on her lap. “You...you want me to come with you?”

Casey smiled softly, softly stroking her hips. “I do. I’ve told them about you, and they really want to meet you.”

“Are you sure?”

Casey chuckled. “Baby, I was lucky enough to meet your mom, I already met your parents. I thought maybe it was time you meet mine.”

Y/n smiled softly as she placed her hands on Casey’s neck, leaning down to kiss her lips softly. “I’d love to.” She chuckled. “Alex said she’s happy I found someone. She thought I’d die alone.”

“I’m not gonna let that happen. You’re stuck with me.” Casey placed her hand on y/n’s neck bringing her down again for another kiss.

“Oh, I definitely like the sound of that.” Y/n said against her lips, kissing her again tenderly.

********************

The whole ride to Casey’s house, y/n had been a nervous wreck. She knew Casey wasn’t that close to her family, not after all she had gone through and then coming out to her parents had also been a bit of a problem but finally they came to terms with it, wanting nothing more than seeing her daughter happy. Y/n knew Casey was Catholic, she had grown in the religion, but she had decided to not follow it when she was older enough to choose for herself, which was also the reason she was not as close to her parents as she used to be. Casey reassured her the whole ride that her parents were excited to meet her and see who had her daughter so happy, Casey had told them enough about y/n, just a little heads up on who she was and how they met, which made y/n feel a bit better because at least there wouldn’t be like a million of questions; maybe just like a thousand.

Y/n took a deep breath as Casey parked right in front of the house. It was a casual family house, which she felt some sort of comfort as she looked at it, a faint smile on her face as she thought about a young Casey running around the house and practicing softball outside. She had seen some pictures of Casey when she was a kid, so now seeing the house she grew up in made her feel warm inside. She turned to look at Casey who had been staring at her this whole time, grabbing y/n’s hand, and bringing it to her lips, kissing it softly.

“Everything will be okay. I love you, and that’s all that matters.” Casey smiled softly.

Y/n nodded softly as she offered a small smile. “I love you too.” She sighed. “Sorry I just…this is the first time I actually meet the parents and I just…I want them to like me. I- I don’t know.” She chuckled nervously.

“If your parents accepted me, trust me…mine will.” Casey chuckled softly as she leaned in and kissed her cheek. “If you don’t feel comfortable, we’ll just leave, okay?”

“I don’t want you to lose your mom’s party tomorrow.”

“We’ll figure it out then. But I’m not leaving you.” Casey smiled as she kissed her hand one more time before she exited the car and went to the other side to open the door for y/n.

As they walked to the door, Casey grabbed y/n’s hand and held it tightly, feeling how y/n had started trembling a little as the moment started to feel more real with every step they took. Casey looked at y/n and leaned in to kiss her lips before she knocked on the door, telling her that it would be okay one last time before the door was opened. Y/n didn’t know what she had expected Casey’s parents to be like, but of course they were as tall as Casey, her dad being way taller, both had bright smiles on their faces as they looked at both women. She could see where Casey got that beautiful smile she loved, she looked exactly like her mom, her hair very similar, and she definitely had her dad’s eyes. The father was the first one to wrap his arms around Casey, squeezing her tightly, making y/n smile. And then she took a deep breath as she noticed Casey’s mother opening her arms to hug y/n.

“Oh, y/n! You’re just as beautiful as our girl described!” Her mother wrapped her in a big, tight hug, chuckling softly. “I’m Angela, but you can call me Angie.” She pulled away and smiled brightly, going for her daughter next.

“And I’m Tom. It is so nice to meet you, y/n.” He said with a smile and also wrapped his arms around her. “But please! C’mon in, we have the table ready! We figured you guys would be hungry after that drive, so get in here. I’ll take care of your bags!” He said as he walked out of the house and made his way to Casey’s car.

“Oh, honey, you look so good! Happiness really suits you.” Angie winked at Casey and walked inside the house.

Casey chuckled softly and looked at y/n, leaning over to whisper in her ear. “Forgot to tell you that they’re huggers.”

“Thanks for the heads up.” Y/n chuckled softly as she followed Casey.

The rest of the dinner went smoothly, most of the conversation had been about Casey’s childhood and college days, y/n enjoying every minute of it as she was hoping that they wouldn’t start asking about her. The only thing she had mentioned was why she decided to be a detective and if she enjoyed working with their daughter, and y/n was more than happy to answer those questions. Casey spent the whole dinner trying to hide her blush as she tried to stop their parents from talking more about her, but also enjoying so much the way y/n was just happy and laughing at everything they had to say, even if they were embarrassing stories, she was just happy that after all the nerves, her girlfriend was happy and relaxed. Tom had dragged Casey to the living room to show her something that he had recently purchased while y/n had offered to help Angie with the dishes and to clean the kitchen.

“You really didn’t have to help with the dishes, y/n. You’re a guest here.” Angie said as she looked at y/n.

“It’s the least I can do. Dinner was delicious and I wanted to say thank you.” Y/n smiled as she finished the last dish, and dried her hands before she looked back at Angie.

“Then use your words, honey.” Angie chuckled. “But I appreciate it. You’re very kind, y/n.” She smiled softly. “And I can definitely see why my daughter loves you so much.”

Y/n blushed slightly, trying not to look away. “I love her just as much, if not more.” She smiled.

“I’m excited for you to meet the whole family tomorrow! Let me tell you that the house will be crowded, my favorite.” She chuckled.

“I’m excited to meet them.” Y/n smiled.

“I was telling Tom that it would be nice to meet your parents soon, we could set up a dinner and we could go the 6 of us.”

Y/n cleared her throat as she looked down at her hands. “I uh…I’m sure my dad would be more than happy.” She looked back at Angie as she offered a small smile. “My…mom. She passed away a little while ago.”

“Oh, honey. I am so sorry, I didn’t know.” Angie placed her hand on y/n’s shoulder. “I’m sure she was a lovely woman.”

“The best.” Y/n smiled softly. “She loved Casey, she got to meet her.”

Angie smiled. “I’d have loved to meet her.”

“Angie, let these ladies go up to their room so they get some rest, we have a big day tomorrow and the need their beauty sleep. Even if they’re already beautiful.” Tom chuckled softly.

Y/n looked back at Casey and smiled softly, but Casey knew there was something going on. They said their goodnights and headed upstairs. Casey opened the door to what used to be her room and smiled as she noticed that they had barely changed it, most of her things were still there, medals and trophies, some diplomas, and pictures, all untouched. Y/n smiled as she looked around, fascinated to see more of Casey’s childhood.

“You’re living for this, aren’t you?” Casey playfully said as she closed the door behind her.

Y/n turned to look at y/n and smiled. “Can’t say I’m not.” She chuckled softly. “Your parents are so nice, and your house is beautiful. Your room…definitely fits you, even now.” She teased as she walked to Casey.

Casey chuckled softly, wrapping her arms around her waist, and kissing her lips softly. “You’re cute.”

“Of course I am.” Y/n chuckled as she wrapped her arms around Casey’s neck. “Thank you for bringing me with you.”

“How could I not? At least I won’t suffer on my own tomorrow.” Casey grinned.

Y/n rolled her eyes softly. “Right.”

Casey tilted her head softly. “Are you okay? I saw you a bit off with mom.”

Y/n smiled. “Your mom said she wanted to meet my parents.” She shrugged. “Had to break the news that my mom is gone.”

“Shit. Baby, I’m so sorry. I forgot to tell her and to not mention it.”

“Hey.” Y/n placed her hand on Casey’s cheek and stroked it softly. “It’s okay. I promise.” She smiled softly. “C’mon, we should go to sleep, we need to prepare for tomorrow’s big party.” She chuckled.

Casey nodded as she smiled. “You’re starting to sound like my parents.” She laughed as she pulled y/n to the bed.

********************

After breakfast, both women went back to their room to get ready for the party and not even an hour later, the whole house was crowded with both friends and family members. Casey and y/n took a moment for themselves and then went downstairs, ready to be bombarded with questions and hugs. Just like Angie had said, the whole house was crowded, they were all over Casey since they hadn’t seen her in so long, and Casey never let go of y/n’s hand unless she was saying hi to someone or someone hugged her -the also hugged y/n-. The party was going great, they had all gone to the back of the house into the beautiful patio, there was music, snacks, they were preparing a barbeque, things seemed to go perfectly fine. Casey made sure to always have y/n by her side, knowing that her girlfriend had anxiety and sometimes she got a bit overwhelmed by big crowds. Just as they thought they were finally free to get away from the family, another family member appeared right in front of them.

“Casey, it’s been so long.” She smiled.

Casey nodded. “Aunt Claire, nice to see you. “She offered a small smile. “This is my girlfriend, y/n.”

Y/n smiled and extended her hand. “Nice to meet you.”

Claire furrowed her brows and tilted her head. “You…look familiar. Have we met before?”

Y/n furrowed her brows as she smiled. “Um…I don’t think so.”

“Do you work with Casey?”

Casey looked at her with a serious look on her face. “Yes, she does work with me.”

“Ah, another attorney, huh? She follows in your steps too, Casey? Not wanting to do anything for your uncle?”

“Claire, are you seriously going to do this today? On my birthday?” Angie raised her brow as she walked to them, crossing her arms.

“Oh, c’mon, Ang. I asked your daughter a favor and she couldn’t help me. She doesn’t help her so called family.”

“Claire, please stop.” Angie snapped as she looked at her. “Please, let’s not do this here. And no, y/n is a detective, she works with Casey. Do not scare her away with your things, Claire. You’re my sister and I love you, but please-“

“Wait.” Claire looked back at y/n. “I know where I’ve seen you. You’re not an attorney, but your sister was.” She laughed darkly. “Your whole family. One of your uncles. You’re a Cabot.”

Y/n’s heart stopped as she looked at Casey, a little confused as to what was happening. “I…yes. But-“

“Casey?” Angie asked as she looked between Casey and y/n. “She’s a Cabot?”

Casey sighed as she nodded. “She is.”

Y/n looked at Casey furrowing her brows. “What does that have to do with me? Is there a problem that I’m a Cabot?”

“Your uncle…that stupid attorney. He put my husband in jail, and he had no mercy on him, now he’s locked up for good and he won’t ever get out! He made sure of that.” Claire snapped and then look at Casey. “And you. You should be ashamed. Not only for dating a girl, but for letting a Cabot come to this house. How dare you, Casey? You didn’t want to help your uncle, and now you bring her here?!”

“Stop! It wasn’t her who did it. And if he’s in jail, is for a good reason.” Casey snapped back as she looked at Claire, her hand grabbing y/n’s tightly.

“Casey Grace Novak! You do not speak to your aunt like that!” Angie looked at Casey and stood between Claire and Casey. “You know damn well that we support your aunt, and we always said the Cabot’s were not good people.”

“Mom.” Casey whispered softly.

Angie looked behind Casey with a serious look. “I’m sorry, y/n. But you’re not welcomed here.”

“Mom!” Casey shook her head. “I cannot believe you’re saying that.”

“You knew that we do not like the Cabot’s. You knew she was a Cabot and still chose to bring her here. You should know better, Casey. You should’ve never fallen in love with this girl.”

“That’s enough! I will not let you speak to my girlfriend like that. You know damn well why he’s in jail and you still protect him. And you know what? Yes, she’s a Cabot, and I love her, and I’m not gonna let any of you speak like that in front of her. I made a mistake in coming back.” Casey looked back at y/n and whispered in her ear. “Let’s go, baby.”

Casey pulled her inside the house and took her upstairs to grab their things. Y/n only stood there frozen as Casey put everything in their bags without saying a word, once she checked that she had everything, she grabbed both bags and told y/n to follow her. Casey could still hear Claire yelling horrible things about y/n and her family, she didn’t even care about closing the door as they rushed to Casey’s car. 15 minutes into the road, Casey finally snapped out of her trance and looked at y/n, noticing that she was just as quiet as she was, but she could see some tears in her eyes. Casey sighed softly and decided to stop the car in a gas station, killing the engine and turning to look at y/n.

“Baby?” Casey whispered softly.

“Why didn’t you tell me about that?” Y/n whispered softly.

Casey sighed. “I didn’t think it was important. Claire, she- she hadn’t been to any family event in so long, I didn’t know my mom still talked to her. I really thought they had left that behind and-“

“But you knew…that your family didn’t approve of mine.” Y/n looked at Casey, tears rolling down her cheeks. “You never told them I was a Cabot.”

Casey looked down at her hands and shook her head. “No.”

Y/n nodded as she looked away. “Can we just go? I wanna go home.” Her voice broke as she said the last word, turning from Casey and crossing her arms. Casey stared at her for a moment but nodded softly.

The ride back they were in complete silence. Casey knew what she had done was wrong, but she had never agreed with her family, she had denied to help because she knew what her ‘uncle’ had done and she had decided to back away from it, and yes, she knew how her family had blamed the Cabot’s, but she never thought she’d be involved with them. Not only had she taken Alex’s job, but now she was dating a Cabot. She was sure that if they knew that she had helped Alex, they would have lost it. As for y/n, the interaction they had had the night before was still stuck in her mind which broke her heart entirely as she figured that it all had been a lie because they didn’t really know who she was, and now that they knew, they didn’t like her, Casey’s mother has clearly said that she was not welcomed. And once again, she hated the fact that she was a Cabot. She loved her family, she loved her parents, but she hated that things like this still happened till this day.

Once they were back in their apartment, y/n helped Casey with their bags and rapidly went into their apartment and into their room, both women still in complete silence. Y/n changed into comfortable clothes and then laid in their bed, crying as she felt overwhelmed by what had happened. She heard Casey walking into the room and figured she too wanted to change, so she didn’t say anything, it was their room after all. Y/n didn’t know when she had fallen asleep, but as she opened her eyes, she figured the sun had hidden and night had taken over, making her look at her clock in the nightstand and saw it was pass seven. She sighed softly and stretched before she got up and walked out of the room. She headed to the kitchen and to her surprise, Casey was sitting at the kitchen island with some files in front of her and writing something in her notepad. She looked up as y/n stood in the entrance of the kitchen, both women look into each other’s eyes. Casey put her pen down and cleared her throat, ready to talk but y/n interrupted her.

“I’m sorry.” Y/n said rapidly, nibbling on her lip. “I…I shouldn’t…we should’ve talked, and I…I completely just…shut you down.”

Casey shook her head. “Y/n…I should’ve told you. I should’ve known. I just thought if they met you…they’d change their mind, and they wouldn’t say anything.” She sighed. “You’re everything to me. I do not regret meeting you, I do not regret falling in love with you, I do not regret being with you.”

Y/n looked at Casey as tears rolled down her cheeks. “You mean that?”

Casey tilted her head as her heart sank. “My love…come here.” She moved and extended her arms, y/n walked to her and wrapped her arms around her neck, Casey wrapping her arms tightly around her waist. “I love you. And I don’t care what they think or say. I want you, and no one is ever going to change that, you hear me?”

Y/n nodded softly as she buried her face in Casey’s neck. “I love you too. I don’t wanna lose you, Case.”

“I don’t wanna lose you either.” Casey kissed the side of her head and sighed softly. “Please, just…let’s not make this separate us.”

Y/n pulled away and placed her hands on Casey’s cheeks. “Nothing could ever make me stop loving you, Casey.”

Casey smiled softly as she leaned in and kissed y/n’s lips softly.

********************

“No, mom. I need you to please stop calling me.” Casey groaned as she ran her fingers through her hair, clearly stressed. “If you’re going to keep talking about y/n like that, yes. I will literally block you, I do not care!” Casey slammed the phone and sighed heavily.

“Bad moment?” Elliot asked as he looked at Casey.

Casey looked up and shook her head. “No, sorry. I’m- done. What do you need?” Casey sat back down in her chair and looked at Elliot.

Elliot nodded. “Wanna talk about it?”

Casey raised her brow as she huffed a chuckle. “You’re gonna play shrink?”

Elliot huffed a laugh and shrugged. “Can’t say I’m the best at it, but I know I have run to some after a bad day or moment.” He said as he walked to Casey, sitting down on a chair.

Casey sighed and shook her head. “Just family stuff.”

“Something wrong with y/n? I heard you mention her.”

“Let’s just say my family has history with the Cabot’s, and…when they found out she was a Cabot…they almost killed me.” Casey nibbled on her lower lip as she looked down at her hands.

Elliot nodded. “I get it.” He cleared his throat and shrugged. “And? What are you gonna do?”

“Put a restraining order on my family.” Casey scoffed. “They keep calling me, and I have no doubt my mom will make an appearance sooner or later.”

“You love y/n. That’s all that matters. Family? It’s not always the ones you share blood with.”

Casey nodded. “I know. I just…thought that maybe we could finally reconnect, and I was sure they’d love y/n. But…” she shrugged. “Didn’t happen.”

“You know you have us. And you have y/n, who wouldn’t leave your side. Whatever your family thinks, screw them. Even if y/n is a Cabot, which doesn’t define her.”

Casey smiled softly as she looked at Elliot. “You’re spending too much time with Huang.”

Elliot laughed. “Did it help?”

“A bit.” Casey smiled. “Thanks.”

Elliot nodded. “Good.” He stood up. “We need you down at the precinct.”

“You could’ve called.” Casey furrowed her brows.

Elliot shrugged. “You were on my way. I decided to stop by.”

Casey grinned as she shook her head, taking a deep breath and standing up. “Let’s go then.”

********************

Y/n paced around the waiting room, tears rolling down her cheeks as she tried to breath. She kept hearing Olivia telling her to sit down but she knew if she sat down, she was going to break down and she couldn’t do that. Not when her girlfriend was literally in surgery. Y/n had decided to go home to take a break from the case, and Olivia had offered to stay in the office to work with Casey and go over the case, what she had not expected was for Casey to get attacked, and now here they were, in the hospital. Y/n overthought every possible scenario that could’ve prevented this, but even if she did, there was nothing else she could do. Things had been pretty tense since that day back with Casey’s family, and this was the last straw they needed. Y/n felt a pair of hands on her shoulders and was about to tell Olivia that she didn’t need to sit down but as she turned, she found Alex standing right in front of her.

“Lex.” Y/n breathed out as she wrapped her arms around Alex. “You’re here.” She whispered softly as she sobbed.

“I’m here.” Alex whispered softly as she kissed her forehead.

“I should’ve stayed with Casey.” Y/n cried out, closing her eyes as more tears rolled down her cheeks.

“There was nothing you could do, y/n. Don’t torment yourself.” Alex pulled away enough to look down at y/n. “Elliot is taking care of it, okay?”

Y/n nodded softly, wrapping her arms around Alex. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“You needed me.” Alex whispered softly as she kissed her forehead again.

Alex had finally made y/n sit down beside her, her arm wrapped around her as y/n leaned into her, tears still rolling down her cheeks but at least she was a little more calm than earlier. They sat there in silence for a moment, just waiting to hear back from Casey. Y/n’s mind was filled with the ‘what ifs’, she hated that she hadn’t been there to help Casey, to avoid this from happening. Olivia had found her unconscious, and she hadn’t woken up at all, so what were the odds of her actually waking up now? Alex kept trying to get her to talk about something, anything at all, but y/n just answered shortly, not feeling like talking, but knowing perfectly what Alex was doing.

“Casey’s family hates me.” Y/n whispered softly.

“You meet parents for the first time, and this is how it goes?” Alex asks playfully.

“I think Uncle John convicted Casey’s uncle. They hate the Cabot’s.”

Alex sighed as she looked down at y/n. “Casey never told you?”

Y/n shook her head. “She never supported her family with this, so stayed away from it, so the effect didn’t get to her. And that’s why she didn’t mind dating me.”

“And I’m sure she doesn’t regret it.” Alex smiled softly.

Y/n looked up at Alex and smiled softly. “She doesn’t.”

“Then I don’t think Casey really cares what her family has to say. You’re an amazing person, y/n. And if Casey loves you, then that’s all that matters.” Alex smiled as she ran her hand through y/n’s hair. “Us Cabot’s…well…there won’t be a time where we are not recognized for something. And you’re now leaving your mark too.” She kissed her forehead softly. “I’m sorry you’re a Cabot.” She chuckled.

Y/n sighed softly as she rested her head against Alex’s shoulder again. “I’m not. I just…wish we were more than a Cabot.”

“We are. You are.” Alex smiled softly. “So…I take it that when you and Casey get married, you’ll take Casey’s last name?” She grinned.

Y/n rolled her eyes playfully as she looked back at Alex. “You’re getting ahead of yourself.”

“Oh, c’mon. You’re telling me you haven’t thought about it?” Alex raised her brow.

“I mean…” y/n shrugged as she blushed slightly. “I guess.”

“Y/n Novak…sounds good to me. I’m sure Casey also loves the idea.” Alex smiled.

“You’re a pain in the ass.” Y/n chuckled.

“You missed me.” Alex chuckled as she pulled her back into her arms.

After an hour or so, Alex had convinced y/n to have some lunch with her at least in the cafeteria of the hospital, and Olivia promised she wouldn’t move at all until they were back. And a bit after, Olivia had been notified that Casey was out of surgery and in her room, Olivia had called Alex to let her know and she stayed with Casey until y/n came back. Y/n mentally prepared herself before she walked into the room, afraid of what she could see. Olivia had been the only one to see the state of Casey before she went into surgery, and just the thought of seeing Casey hurt, broke y/n’s heart. Some tears left y/n’s eyes as she walked into the room, a soft small smile on Casey’s face as she saw her girlfriend, extending her hand for her to get closer. After making sure that everything was okay, Olivia left with Alex to meet Elliot, and y/n stayed with Casey.

Y/n put the tray of food away and went back to sit with Casey on the bed, holding her hand and kissing it softly. “Do you want to get some more sleep?”

Casey shook her head. “No. I just…I mean maybe I should.” She sighed.

Y/n tilted her head. “Your memory will come back, Case. You need to stop pushing yourself.”

“I know but…I couldn’t even defend myself.” Casey’s voice broke as she looked at y/n.

“Baby…you did what you had to do. You’re here. That’s all that matters. They’ll get whoever did this.”

Casey nodded softly. “Are they gonna let you stay?”

“Even if they didn’t, I’m staying.” Y/n chuckled softly. “Hey uh…I left a text to your mom.” She looked down at their hands.

“What?” Casey furrowed her brows. “Y/n-“

“They’re your family, Case. Even if they don’t accept me, they should know about their daughter.” Y/n looked back at Casey, offering a small smile. “I’m not going anywhere, no matter what.”

Casey nodded softly. “Thank you.” She smiled softly.

Y/n smiled as she leaned in and kissed Casey’s head softly. “I love you, and you’re stuck with me, forever.” She chuckled.

“Forever sounds good.” Casey grinned.

********************

“Y/n, c’mon. I can walk, I literally went to the office yesterday and to court.” Casey groaned as y/n helped her sit down on the couch.

“Which you shouldn’t have. You know the heart attack you gave me when Elliot told me he saw you in court?” Y/n shook her head. “You should’ve called me, Case.”

“I knew you’d bring me back.” Casey looked at y/n with puppy eyes.

Y/n rolled her eyes as she sat beside Casey. “You’re impossible.” She leaned in and kissed her lips. “At least now I have 5 days free to be a pain in your ass and take care of you.” She grinned. “And you’re not escaping from this.”

“At least it’s us for 5 days.” Casey grinned. “I’m sorry.”

“No worries, just don’t be stubborn.” Y/n smiled as she pecked her lips. Just in time, there was a knock on their door. “That’s probably Alex. She said she’d come before she had to leave.” Y/n stood up and walked out of the living room. As she opened the door, her heart stopped for a moment, staring at the person in front of her.

“It’s not Alex?” Casey yelled from the living room.

“No.” Y/n cleared her throat. “Mrs. Novak.”

“Y/n.” Angie sighed. “I’m sorry I came like this, I…I was hoping I could see my daughter.”

Y/n nodded softly as she stepped aside. She closed the door behind her and started walking to the living room followed by Angie. “It’s your mom, Case.” She whispered softly as she looked at Casey.

“Mom?” Casey furrowed her brows. “What- why are you here?”

Angie sighed as she looked at Casey. “Oh, honey. I wanted to make sure you were okay.” She went to sit down beside Casey.

“I’m alright.” Casey nodded. “Y/n has been taking care of me.”

Y/n sighed softly. “I should leave you two to talk. I’ll be in the room if you need something.” She smiled softly. But before she could leave, Angie stood up and grabbed her hand and stopped her.

“Wait, y/n. I- I also wanted to talk to you. To both of you.” Angie looked back at Casey and then at y/n. “I’m not only here to see Casey. I’m here to apologize.” Y/n furrowed her brows as she looked at Casey and then back at Angie. “I know…that you should not forgive me, what I said was wrong. But…your father and I talked, we’ve never seen you so happy, Casey.” Angie looked back at Casey and smiled. “The way you spoke about y/n, the way you protected her. The looks you give each other. I shouldn’t have said anything. Claire was so wrong to do that, and we shouldn't have believed her.”

Casey smiled softly. “You mean it?”

Angie smiled as she looked at Casey and nodded. “Yes.” She looked back at y/n and smiled, holding her other hand. “I am so sorry, y/n. It wasn’t your fault what happened in the past, and I know that you love my daughter, and my daughter loves you. I am willing to get to know you better.” She took a deep breath. “To accept you as my daughter too.”

Y/n’s face softened at her words, some tears forming in her eyes. “I’d like that.” She smiled.

“Even if we treated you badly…you were still willing to update me on Casey. And you let me come in here to see her.”

Casey furrowed her brows. “You…gave her our address?”

Y/n looked back at Casey as she shrugged. “I told you, you’re still their daughter. I just didn’t expect her to come.” She chuckled softly.

Angie chuckled. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything.”

“You’re always welcome here. Mr. Novak too. Right, Case?” Y/n smiled.

Casey looked at them and nodded softly, smiling. “Of course.”

Angie smiled as she wrapped her arms around y/n. “Thank you for giving me another chance.”

“Of course.” Y/n smiled as they pulled away.

“Well, I don’t wanna make a doctor visit, so I thought I could make some lunch for you, if you let me.” Angie looked at Casey, walking to her and kissing her forehead.

Casey nodded. “I’m okay if y/n is okay with it.” She smiled.

“More than okay.” Y/n smiled softly.

Y/n showed Angie the kitchen and where everything was, offering her help but Angie told her to go back with Casey and she’d let them know when everything was done, looking into the fridge to see what she could do with the stuff inside. Y/n went back to the living room and smiled softly as she sat with Casey, wrapping her arm around her carefully and kissing the side of her head.

“I gotta admit that I thought she would come to kill me after I sent the address.” Y/n chuckled softly.

Casey smiled. “Thank you. You didn’t have to do this.”

Y/n grinned. “I had to give it another try. I thought that if it worked this time, then I had a better chance in a future.”

“What for?” Casey furrowed her brows as she grinned.

“To marry you.” Y/n smiled.

Casey’s face softened as she smiled, leaning in to kiss her lips. “I like the sound of that, a lot.” She said against her lips, chuckling softly as she kissed her again. “Y/n Novak…maybe?” She grinned. “Sounds perfect.”

Y/n rolled her eyes playfully. “Alex said you’d love the sound of that.”

Casey smiled. “Of course I do. But most importantly, the thought of you being my wife.” She pecked her lips softly.

“I love it.” Y/n chuckled softly as she pulled Casey for another kiss.

#casey novak x reader #casey novak #svu fic #law and order svu #svu

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talesfrommedinastation · 8 months

Text

My redneck neighbor Doug watches 'The Bad Batch': The Outpost

As per many people's requests, I've collected a series of texts and Facebook messages from Doug when he watched certain episodes of everyone's favorite Copy Paste Boi show.

Some he was quite pithy on ('Ryan-from-Accounting goes fast but not fast enough to get away from the Bitch Wife Laura'), and others...well, he got excitable, to put it mildly.

Here's one of the more deranged ones, Season 2, Episode 12, 'The Outpost'. Or as Doug calls it: "The Daddy Warcrimes Christmas Special."

CW for Language like you wouldn't believe. Doug says "you'll need a permission slip from your momma to read this, I guess."

-----

Daddy Warcrimes is waiting by the Empire's equivalent of a windowless van, because comfort is just not his thing and he really wants the experience of smuggling cocaine across the border one of these days.

Some bitch who looks like she works at a bank is telling these clones that their extended warranty is up. I wanna bring her a bag of pennies and make her count it before I deposit it because I'm sick like that.

So here comes in SOME BLOND JACKASS. Mother of Hell do I hate this guy. Can I just tell you how much I hate him? I hate him like I hate the Crimson Tide, like I hate February, like I hate my mother-in-law. Hate hate hate.

So Daddy Warcrimes, SOME BLOND JACKASS, and some homies get into Floating Probable Cause to lay waste to an unsuspecting Third World country or whatever.

Well, I was wrong! Looks like Elsa and her frozen fingers took over this dump. Disney owns both, so why not. The cold never bothered them anyway. Nope, they’re at somebody’s nasty old storage shed. Why does this remind me of visiting my sister in Wyoming?

Oh, who is this no-frills, salt-of-the-earth, son-of-a-bitch? Is that tanned Kurt Russell? No? It’s Sassy Park Ranger! I like him already. If he was my boss I’d actually show up to work on time and sober, or late and hung over, either way, it’d be a good time with the man. He just seems cool and chill and a nice dude. I bet he’s got homemade beef jerky in his locker and his beard always smells like cigar smoke.

OH SHUT UP STUPID BLOND JACKASS, Jesus Christ I’ve never wanted to hit someone with a folding chair so hard in my life. CALL HIM COMMANDER.

Aw, Sassy Park Ranger’s being nice to Daddy Warcrimes, maybe Daddy Warcrimes will share the Columbian nose candy in the back of the van with Sassy Park Ranger, and Sassy Park Ranger won’t ask about the sobbing family Daddy Warcrimes is probably holding for ransom in the back. It’s all about understanding each other.

This is truly the Daddy Warcrimes Christmas special, snow and friendship and stuff. I hope this doesn’t end up with Daddy Warcrimes 86’ing Rudolph and the rest of the reindeer from the sky, that would traumatize the children. But this is the same studio that produced Bambi so who knows. Didn't he try killing a kid the first episode?

Oh man, Sassy Park Ranger’s lost a lot of his men, that’s real sad. Only two left, Jesus. SHUT UP BLOND JACKASS SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

(I won’t repeat it, but the amount of times that SHUT UP was texted was….something else- Dr. MM)

Sassy Park Ranger’s taking Daddy Warcrimes on a hike around the place in the middle of a blizzard, probably going to say hi to the yeti hooker they all frequent and show him how to write his name in the snow with pee. He’s such a good guy. If they go sledding I’d be so happy.

Oh, shit! Daddy Warcrimes remembers that he has a job and proceeds to cop some poor bastard in the leg so he can follow the trail of blood in the snow. What in the Fargo am I watching here, does Steve Buschemi show up at one point now. No sledding in this one, I guess.

Well there goes Sassy Park Ranger and Daddy Warcrimes on a heartwarming romp following a crippled burglar in the snow as he bleeds to death. Kevin McCallister would be so proud. Well, now, they found a dead body already. You know, at this point, if Daddy Warcrimes capped Santa in the head this show wouldn’t be less wholesome.

Aw shit Daddy Warcrimes stepped on a landmine, but Sassy Park Ranger watched his training videos that HR made them sit through and disarms it. They’re having a nice convo, I really, really like Sassy Park Ranger. If he dies I’ll be so freaking mad.

(I said nothing, FYI - Dr. MM)

Aw shit, they found the bunker of crazy white people with guns in the snow. It’s confirmed: the Daddy Warcrimes Christmas Special takes place in Wyoming. Are Daddy Warcrimes and Sassy Park Ranger facing off my brother-in-law and his branch of the VFW near Laramie? Those guys need hobbies besides doomsday prepping and getting drunk in the snow. It ain’t right.

“After all we sacrificed”…man. I feel right here. Is this the child friendly version of Enemy at the Gate? Shit. Please these two bastards need to survive. I need a beer and I wanna hug my wife.

Dr. Meat Muffin, please don't tell me you're letting your babies watch this show. They need that dog from Australia who has fun with her daddy, not this.

Oh shit, avalanche!

Oh no, Sassy Park Ranger. Oh no, oh no. Oh, Daddy Warcrimes.

Thank Christ they made it! They’re gonna save him! They’re gonna save him.

Wait. What.

WHAT THE FUCK, BLOND ASSHOLE.

I HATE THIS JACKASS SO GODDAMNED MUCH, SOLDIER OF THE EMPIRE, I WANNER SHOVE MY SOLDIER UP YOUR EMPIRE YOU STUPID DICK.

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

Yay! Daddy Warcrimes finally took out his gun and 86’d that FUCK. CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY!! YAAAAAAY!!!!!

Man...I hope this ends okay for Daddy Warcrimes. I hope his brothers aren't just dicking around somewhere warm while he and the other bros are out dying.

Guess that'll be next episode?"

....Doug snapped SO HARD watching 'Pabu'. Brace yourselves.

#tbb #cloneforce99 #the bad batch #tcw #crosshair tbb #the bad batch crosshair #crosshair #crosshair and mayday #mayday clone trooper #tbb mayday #commander mayday #doug talks star wars #doug the neighbor #redneck doug #fuck the empire #fuck lt nolan

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shiftingparadise · 7 months

Note

Hey, I’m unsure if you still write for MHA but I’d love a comfort fic/drabble about a reader who’s struggling with guilt and bad thoughts, to eventually get some support from Dabi? I’ve been struggling a lot so much lmao

I'm so sorry to hear you've been struggling. It's been a long time since I've written anything. So forgive me if it's not as good but I hope you like it. I'm here if you want to talk.

Warnings: none

Word count: 1776

“It’s my fault”, your voice shaking. “It’s my fault, right?”, your head now resting against the wall behind you. “It’s my fault that they’re-“. A sentence you fail to say out loud. A stinging sensation greeted your eyes. You were sitting in an ally, your hands resting on your knees as little clouds left your lips. It was a cold night and even though your mind failed to notice the cold, your body did. Leaving you shaking, your teeth grinding on each other. Were you angry or sad? Probably both. It was unfair. The way Deku didn’t flinch, the way Bakugo grinned, … All why you were frozen in place. Too scared to save the lives of innocent people. What kind of hero were you? A joke. That’s what you are. “I hate them”, tears now flooded your eyes. “I hate the way things are so easy for them, the way they always seem to save everyone while I’ve worked so hard for this. I’m not a pro hero. I’m a joke, a coward-“.

He knew you hadn’t noticed. His staring eyes. The way he was leaning against the wall just a little bit further. If it were someone else, he’d probably would’ve laughed, or done something to upset them even more. Probably killed them eventually if they’d dare to talk back to him but… You looked so ‘good’. So, innocent. As if you hadn’t done anything wrong in your entire life. And the way your tears were dripping down your cute nose, the way you cutely rubbed the palm of your hand on your eyelids… Not to mention your voice. So soft, so ‘good’. There wasn’t any other way he could put it. You seemed ‘good’ and here you were, talking down on yourself like that just because you couldn’t be like them. A feeling he understood all too well. The feeling of not being good enough.

“Why? Why am I like this?”, your eyes darted to the sky. Desperately searching for an answer. “If I just swooped in, if I just managed to move my feet they would’ve been saved. They would’ve been able to return to their families, their loved ones… I hate myself”, your sobs getting louder, not caring about your surrounding anymore. Because it hurt. The feeling in your chest, the way you could hardly breathe anymore. “I hate myself and everyone else does too, right?”, your eyes still looking at the sky, hoping someone would talk back. “That’s why I’m always alone. Why I don’t have any friends”. Right, this wasn’t just about the lost lives. It was about your hurt. About everything that you tried to bury in your past.

Alone. He was always alone. He never had anyone. He knew the way you felt. The desperation, the sense of hopelessness.

“You’re not alone”, a raspy voice travelled through the air and startling you.

“Creep”, the word flashed before his eyes. You were crying about being alone, thinking you were alone in that ally. Probably one of the times you even wanted to be alone, and this is what he chose to say? Not even a hello? Or a dry cough to let you know someone was there.

“W-who are you?”, you narrowed your eyes, not bothering to wipe your tears. The darkness around you made it hard for you to see. “No one”, the voice replied.

He already regretted this. That he let you know someone was there. That he was there.

“If you’re too scared to speak, then don’t bother letting me know you’re here”, you turned your head to the side.

Scared? He wasn’t scared, right?

“Then don’t cry in the middle of an ally”, a snappy remark that he immediately regretted. “Well, I’m sorry that I bothered you”, you quietly replied. Your heart felt heavy. The last thing you needed was a stranger that made you feel even worse.

“You didn’t bother me”, the voice sounded almost desperate. “I-I guess I’m… sorry?”.

Did he just apologize? Or tried to anyway.

“Who are you?”, you knew that voice. You heard it on the TV once, right? But if you were right then… “No one”, he repeated himself.

He noticed the way your breathing got heavier. The way you tensed your entire body.

“No one you should be scared off”, his hands now in his pockets, his eyes closed.

Hate. Once again, the word flashed before his eyes. He hated himself.

“I know who you are”, you tried to relax your body. For some reason you believed him. Even though a murderer was standing practically next to you. But you were one too, right? You didn’t hurt people on purpose, but you failed to save them while you were standing so close. Wasn’t that even worse?

“Then why don’t you kill me?”, his voice sounded cold.

“I don’t know”, your teeth digging into the soft skin of your lips. “I don’t know”, tears once again streaming down your cheeks. “Probably because I’m scared, right? I’m a failure”.

“H-huh?”, your breath stopped, your eyes wide open as rough digits stroked over your cheek. His eyes now staring directly into yours as he squatted before you.

This wasn’t like him. He was never like this, or not that he could remember anyways.

“You must be freezing”, he sighed as he let his head fall back. “Here”, his hands wrapped around yours. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to burn you”, he coldly looked into your eyes again. Your heart was racing as you could feel his hands getting hotter, causing a nice sensation against your skin. Like holding them in front of a fireplace. “Feels nice”, you softly whispered.

His eyes unwillingly widened at your small praise. He couldn’t remember the last time anyone said something similar to him.

“It’s fine if you’re not like them”, his gaze now fixed on your hands. They fitted perfectly in his. Your skin felt so soft against his scars… He could stay like this for hours. “It’s fine if you’re scared”, his eyes found yours again. “I don’t need life lessons from someone like you”, you suddenly pulled your hands away, leaving an empty feeling behind. What were you doing? He was a villain. He couldn’t be trusted. “Right”, a painful look in his eyes. “I’m sorry”, he lowered his eyes as he stood back up. “So, you want to fight me or are you going to let me go without a hassle?”, his voice cold again. You stayed quiet for a second as you looked up at him. He looked handsome. Painfully handsome. Even with all of his scars, even with his messy hair… but most of all, he looked lonely.

“Cold”, you turned your head to the side, “My hands”. “Huh?”, his brows pulled together. “Could you please do that thing again?”, your cheeks red as you held out your hands, avoiding his gaze at all costs.

Even if this was a trap, even if you were going to capture him… He couldn’t refuse when you looked like that.

“Tsk”, an unexpected smile on his face, “Come here”. He lifted you from the ground with your arm. “I’m not going to sit on the ground like an idiot. Let’s go to my place, it’s warm. I promise”, he already started walking. For some reason he didn’t doubt you’d follow him. And you did. Without saying anything. If this was wrong, then why did it feel so right?

It was only a five-minute walk and for some reason it made him sad. He could’ve walked through entire countries with you walking beside him.

“We’re here”, he stopped in front of a tall building. To be honest, it looked like it was going to fall apart any minute. “Know it’s not much”, he scratched the back of his head, “But it’s warm… and safe”.

He knew he was a hypocrite. How could he say something like that when he killed people for fun?

“Hm”, you softly smiled. “Y-you still want to come in?”, he now sounded nervous. He couldn’t believe you actually trusted him enough to follow him like this. “Yeah”, your arms wrapped around your body, trying to keep the cold away.

How could he forget? You probably didn’t have a quirk like his, that kept him warm. He should’ve offered you his coat, or at least try to keep you warm.

“Let’s go inside. You must be cold”, he opened the door for you. It. Was a quiet walk to his apartment. Your mind and heart fighting against each other. “So”, he awkwardly kicked some boxes of fast food to the side as you entered his apartment. “Like I said, I know it’s not much but it’s warm”.

He felt embarrassed. He only had a small TV and a bed. Not even a chair or a couch to sit on.

“It’s enough”, you smiled. “Here, sit down please”, he quickly straightened his pillows. “You can sit here. I know it’s probably not comfortable to sit like this-“. “It’s perfect”, you sat down while leaning with your back against the wooden frame of his bed. “H-here’s a blanket”, he grabbed one from a box. You thanked him once again.

“Why are you doing this?”.

Your question pierced through his chest. He didn’t know why. He wasn’t like this. He never was kind to anyone.

“I don’t know”, he awkwardly sat down beside you. “I guess I understand the way you feel. That’s why I said it’s fine if you’re not like them. You don’t have to pretend all the time”. “Pretend?”, you pulled the blanket over your legs. “They’re scared too, you know? Everyone is. They just pretend they aren’t. It’s fine to be scared, to not show up sometimes. It’s fine if you can’t fake being happy, or brave, or …”, he hesitated for a second. “All I’m saying is, it’s fine if you’re you”. “But I-“, your eyes already glossy. “Don’t cry”, he turned to look at you. “You can’t cry. You can’t show them you’re weak-“.

What was he doing? He cried all the time, or he used to anyway. And yes, he felt weak because he did so, but when he saw you cry earlier… All he saw was a girl who was tired of being strong.

“You don’t need this, right? A lecture”, he shook his head, unsure of what was happening to him. “Cry your heart out”, he wrapped your arms around your shoulders, pulling you close. “Cry. Let it out. You’re not alone. I’m here with you. It’s brave to cry”, he tightened his grip as he heard your sobs. “You’ll never be alone again”.

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sparkbugs · 5 months

Text

Thinking bout Chip Jrwi

This has spiraled from ramblings to character analysis to whatever it has turned into. I rewatched episodes too JUST to make sure I had the right information and plot points in mind cause I want to make sure I’m not making a fool of myself in front of all of Jrwiblr.. ANYWAYS! This is a lengthy read. Total words being 1318 under the cut. Yeah, I’d say the hyperfixation is hyperfixating for sure. Chip Jrwi you are my blorbo atm and you mean everything to me <3

Do you guys think that before they went to the Black Sea, before they left Canella, before they left the town of Zero that Chip looked at his crew, his friends, and his family and wondered if he should stop? Yeah, he lost his old family years ago, and he wanted to do everything in his power to bring them back, to do something about it that his 9-year-old self couldn’t. But do you ever stop and think that maybe he’s realized that he has a family now, a new one and that he’s afraid to lose it to the Black Sea as well? But they’ve come so far now, they found Drey and Finn, hell Finn had been with them the entire time!! They’ve come so far now, and they’re expecting him to want to keep going, to find Arlin, and maybe even some of the other crew they lost as well. I think about it a lot, maybe too much at this point.

Back in the Feywild when Chip could’ve reached out to anyone, he could’ve talked with Arlin again, but he didn’t. He didn’t because he saw something in his nightmares in Liquidis while being cured of his curse. He saw Arlin, covered and surrounded by this black ichor, and he talked to him again. He saw Arlin, the man who took him in when he had nowhere to go, and he had looked at him with so much rage and hatred.. and he had attacked Chip. This would honestly terrify me if I were in Chip’s place. The person who showed me all the care in the world suddenly turned and attacked me? And saying that this has happened before? In a nightmare situation that felt so real, Chip knew it was real… I’d be terrified to find him if he thinks I’m gonna kill him, he’d be fighting for his life too, I’m sure. The Black Sea has affected Arlin too, I don’t think they’ll be able to convince him that they aren��t going to kill him unless somehow Drey and Finn can get through to him, but it seems highly unlikely.

I think if Chip feels this way at all, maybe not like all I’ve written exactly, I think he feels immensely guilty. He doesn’t want Arlin to be trapped in the hole in the sea, but he’s also immensely terrified as to what he’s going to find once he gets to him. He doesn’t want the person he’s looked up to for so long, the person he’s risked his and his friends' lives for, to hate him. But I also feel that somewhere in his heart (or lack of one), Chip doesn’t blame Arlin for hating him, cause he’s starting to hate himself for getting his new family dragged down into this hole in the sea as well.

Yes, they all chose to come with him to the Black Sea, but if anything happens to them, Chip will forever blame himself for it. Hell, he lost his heart and he has no one other than himself to blame. Jay almost lost her leg (did she? They haven’t made it clear if she did) and I feel that Chip blames himself for that too. Yes, they helped save everyone on the island, but Gods is Chip scared he’s going to lose his family again. Being on this ocean reminds him of when he was just a scared little kid, but now he can do something about it. He’s trying but he’s still so fucking scared.

Speaking of his heart- he’s trying to hold onto himself. He’s an undead now, and by meta the mechanics of it are roughhhhh. I rambled a bit on another post about one of my characters named Amani, an opal Tiefling whom Chip is starting to remind me of- not exactly but they both have had their hearts taken!! Doing the checks to see if he loses a part of himself terrifies me each and every time and I know there’s going to be more, we can only hope the dice are in Bizly’s favor as we do not know when Chip will be able to get his heart back. It could be months from now, years maybe. I dread the session they head back to Zero and Chip is still undead. I dread Chip reuniting with Ollie. I don’t think Chip wants Ollie to see him that way, he can hide it with the bandana as much as he wants, but the stench of rotten flesh will give it away. Ollie told him to come back alive! Chip wasn’t able to keep that promise. It kills me to think that Chip dies at 19. Yeah he wasn’t a kid, but he was still so young- yeah he might come back once getting his heart but how much of his humanity will he have lost? How much life experience would he have gained in this undead state? He hasn’t even had the time to grieve the loss of himself with everything that's been going on, and I am really hoping with the next episode of Riptide we get to see some of his thoughts on being undead. Yes, he’s made jokes about it! But I feel he still hasn’t fully processed it all and once he finally does it's going to be PAINFUL.

He’s grown so much from this journey with Jay and Gillion, he was using them at the start, to get back his family. I mean I could be wrong here, but it certainly feels like it at the start of everything anyway. Along the way though, he started opening up a bit and he realized that while sailing and learning about the whereabouts of his family he’s lost, he’s made a new family. And it’s become precious to him. It shows how he has grown during the fights he had with Gillion, the first fight they had dealing with Chip lying and pranking him, wounding Gill’s pride. They resolved it after communicating and getting to know each other better. The second fight was initiated by Chip himself because he knew he was in the wrong and that he had hurt his friend by keeping the fact that Edyn was working with the Navy a secret. He remembered how much lying had hurt Gill, and as much as he didn’t want to tell him at the time, he wanted to protect Gillion from the truth of his sister potentially doing something dangerous behind his and his friends' backs. There hadn’t been much time in between Gillion escaping the pearl and the time that he found out about Edyn, and Chip had tried not to think about it but those damned bracelets (WHICH I WISH THEY WOULD USE MORE?? WHERE DID THEY GO-) outed him on those thoughts. He stayed up ALL NIGHT just to build the arena, just to show Gillion he was sorry and that he needed to fix it, he wanted to fix things between them both. He goes on and on about how Gillion’s actions helped him change for the better, about how he cares about him, and that he never meant to hurt him. Of course, this ends in them battling again, them starting the fight and Jay ending it like the girlboss she is, but this battle was never out of malice or anger, it is light-hearted and fun, and it shows that they’ve all grown stronger together.

I love Chip Jrwi, I am so happy that he got a second third chance at a family- He deserves it and the world. I totally will be coming back to this at some point but this is all I have to say for now! Feel free to reply/reblog to this with ur thoughts, or even send me an ask bout it cause I would love to continue talking about this boy!

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canon-vi · 3 months

Text

Eira's attitude towards the others:

Reaper:

Mom didn't say much about Grandpa, except that he worked hard, but Dad speaks very highly of him.

Geno:

Grandma is very beautiful! I love looking at her in mom’s photos!

Hope:

I am amazed at her long braid, did she braid it every day? I am amazed by this woman!

Dream:

Dad speaks badly about grandpa... Well, I’d better ask mom later, I can’t even pull anything out of dad with claws

Ink:

Well, mom and dad spoke badly about her somehow... I don’t know... I’ll refrain

Nightmare:

Um... I don't remember...

Cross:

Oh, that baker, dad doesn’t really like him, like, I don’t know, I like his baked goods, did he have bad ones before or something?

Merciless:

I feel sorry for him, Aunt Drop is really crazy, and dad isn’t even going to do anything about it...

Lux:

Dad hates her... We'll have to find out why! Detective Eira will take care of it!

Pallete:

Even though dad doesn't do anything with Aunt Drop, I still love him, he works so hard

Goth:

Mom is very beautiful! I want to be like her, but I don’t really want to lose my hair yet, haha—

Drop:

Aunt... Strange... The way she treats Mr. Merciless and baby Daff...

Elva:

This little thing is always pretending to be me in front of my friends and trying to kill someone! ... Why doesn't she understand that murder doesn't require witnesses?

Daffodil:

Poor baby... I don't understand why dad doesn't do anything about all this?

Bonus:

Callisto:

Dad says he's bad, mom says he's good... I don't know

Taisiya:

Dad didn't talk much about her, I didn't even know that dad had another sister

Artemis:

Queen Artemis? She always looks so sad, is it because dad chose mom over her? I would be sad too, but I think that guy wouldn’t have lived long because of Eli

Sunshine:

Crazy beauty! She's a lot of fun! Also, if I don't want to listen to Eli's ravings about mushrooms, then I can send her to her

Vivi:

I saw her on the street several times, but she always pretended that we didn't know each other, I hope Daffodil is okay with Aunt Vi

Shelki:

I often help her dress fashionably when she can't! Aunt Shel is very kind!!

Tace:

... Is she really older than me? She looks 10... But she likes my and Eli's wings! She's also very cute

--------------------------🦊----------------------------

Elva's attitude towards others:

Reaper:

Looking at grandfather’s work, their family life looked as if grandfather went out to buy bread and returned with milk all the time

Geno:

I like to listen to my grandmother’s stories about how she ignored my grandfather, now I know how I will torture my future boyfriend!

Hope:

Hope is so old... And why did she love someone like Grandpa Dream? I thought with age comes wisdom... He doesn't deserve you, Grandma Hope!

Dream:

I don’t know, I don’t give a fuck, I didn’t even see him

Ink:

She cheated on my grandfather, how else can I feel about her? The Drop is probably all in her, crazy

Nightmare:

Some kind of evil guy... I don't know

Cross:

A? Who? Baker? Do you think I remember every baker I see? Am I crazy according to you?

Merciless:

He’s seriously like Drop’s hostage, what kind of eternal BDSM games do they have there? Does Merciless know a safe word?

Lux:

I only saw her in photographs, and then in Miss Hope’s photo album, dad cut out all the photos with her from his photo album

Pallete:

Dad is creepy, I love mom more, otherwise he sees what that crazy woman is doing with Mr. Merciless and Daff, and doesn’t do anything!

Goth:

I love my mother, I also want to become Death in the future and then all the offenders of Eri will go to the bottom in the lava lake of hell!

Drop:

She's crazy, what else can I say?

Eira:

My bitch, I like the way she braids my hair, it’s beautiful and comfortable! How the hell does she do that?

Daffodil:

No matter how sadistic I am, even I feel sorry for this little girl, her parents are fucked up, both of them

Bonus:

Callisto:

Until you decide who to believe, mom or dad, you can go crazy, so I don’t know

Taisiya:

If it weren’t for my mother, Eri and I probably wouldn’t have known about her, well, we’ve never seen her and don’t even know where she lives

Artemis:

Queen Artemis, I heard that she was dad's beloved, but for some reason he decided to stay with mom... Why?

Sunshine:

She's crazy... She's fun to be around! I wonder if she can dye my hair too?

Vivi:

Uhh, I only remember how she argued very strongly with Drop and took away Daffodil, then it was very loud, she was screaming so much... I understand her, Drop is a crazy bitch

Shelki:

Aunt Shel is very funny! I love looking at her schyte collection!

Tace:

She's creepy... This is cool! I like her!

--------------------------🦊----------------------------

E. L. A. by @anotherrosesthatfell

E. L. A. Queen by @itzcherrybonbon / @abloomingsunflower

E. L. A. Sunshine by @il1ketulipz

#evil lux au #what if au #protect and cherish [e.l.a] merciless propaganda

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wetotallymessedup · 2 years

Text

Nekoma x (Future) F!Manager Reader

A/N: this is almost entirely self indulgent, so... indulge me.

CW: vague descriptions of anxiety induced thoughts, reader uses she/her pronouns.

“Finding an extracurricular or joining a club can’t be too hard: just find something. And fast— I’m pretty sure everything is closing up soon.”

Easier said than done months into school, where cliques had already formed and groups had solidified. Wrinkled fliers sat at the bottom of a bookbag, some had been neatly folded but lost to the constant movement of books and notebooks. The school day was coming to an end, and it seemed like there were less options than one would think possible.

Sighing to yourself, it felt like the hopeless feeling in your chest was going to stay. Your family was still hounding you to do some type of after school activities, but any of the options they threw at you just didn’t sound appealing. You walked quietly, glancing into each classroom, some empty, some not. No one really looked up from what they were doing, not that you could blame them.

Guess it’s easier to join a club when you don’t panic at simple social interactions, You mused to yourself, tightening your grip on your bag, You don’t freak others out.

You made your way outside of the school, thanking your lucky stars it was nice out. Seemed like you had created a new routine— wander around after school, awe at some gardens, pet some stray cats, visit some local stores, before making your way home and lying to your family, saying things like:

“I was just talking to different clubs— I wanna make sure I choose the right one.”

“We were discussing their schedules and I’m not sure if it’ll fit mine.”

“The club members were rude, I don’t think I’d turn out great if I joined.”

Lying was becoming second nature and you hated it, but the guilt tripping of your family was worse. Pausing your steps you noticed that standing in the normal path you’d take was a group, from the looks of it some outdoorsy club, talking and laughing loudly. You didn’t want to walk past them, so you turned on your heel, moving to walk the opposite way that you normally did.

You didn’t often walk this way outside of school, so this was a nice change of scenery. And the image wasn’t the only new information your brain was processing. The echoing yells and squeaking of sneakers caught your attention, your gaze being drawn to the gym nearest you. You had never been a fan of sports— no one in your family really played them so you just never cared too much— but whatever was happening was loud and fast paced.

Your curiosity peaked to say the least, plus, you needed to kill time.

So you made your way near, noting you wouldn’t be able to easily peek in through the windows, but lucky for you, the gym door was cracked. Hoping they were all too distracted to notice you, you crept closer, quietly laying your bag down on the concrete. Looking inside, it took you a moment to adjust to all the movement before your eyes.

Oh— the volleyball team.

You didn’t know too much about volleyball— you knew your school's team used to be a big deal, they had even had their own rival team. You had seen their games on TV in passing, and it had seemed of the more entertaining of sports, and seeing the team before you move and shout the way they were made you agree with that passing thought.

“Damn it!”

The loud shout nearly made you jump, and your gaze was drawn to one of the members. The guy had a bleached mohawk type hairstyle, and you vaguely recognized him. You were both second years, so you’d seen him in passing, and his presence was loud— hard to forget. He was glaring at the ball rolling across the court as if it had personally offended him.

“Brush it off!”

Instead of calming down the guy merely looked more annoyed, pointing an angry finger at the one who had said it— a shorter looking guy, soft sandy blonde hair sticking to his forehead with sweat.

“I’ve been trying to brush it off all practice!”

The guy being yelled at rolled his eyes, more annoyed that this conversation was happening than being yelled at.

“Then hurry up and get over it.”

He received an annoyed grunt as the guy moved to grab the volleyball, still glaring intensely as he stomped across the gym.

You recognized one person— a tall guy with weirdly spiked, black hair, carrying a ball under his arm, eyes caught on something across the room.

“Kenma,” Or someone, you mused, “You planning on practicing today?”

Whoever he was speaking to must have responded, cause he just sighed to himself, shaking his head good naturedly.

“Um,” A voice from outside the gym startled you, and you froze in place, the gentle questioning tone coming from behind you, “Hello?”

You turned quickly, heart hammering in your chest, cheeks flushed with embarrassment at being caught. It was the coach— or one of the coaches, scratching at the back of his head curiously. He had some rough facial hair, and he looked chiseled and relatively intimidating.

What the hell were you supposed to say?

“Did you come to watch them practice?”

You stammered, mouth agape like a floundering fish, eyes darting from him to the pathway behind him, hands clutching almost desperately at the bottom of your blazer. He seemed to notice your nerves, and smiled softly.

“You know it’s far more entertaining to watch inside.” He stepped forward, passing you quickly, hand laying on the side of the door, “Do you want to come in?”

No.

No you did not want to enter a gym filled with strangers and have them all notice you and stare at you and wonder what you were doing there and why you were there—

But wait. Wouldn’t it be weirder if he went inside and said some girl was standing outside and peeking in through the cracked door then ran away after meeting the coach?

You didn’t trust your voice, so you nodded meekly, reaching down to grab your bag, desperately trying to keep your hands from trembling from anxiety. He smiled at you, reassurance on his face, but he paused before opening the door.

“Were you thinking about joining a club, if I may ask?”

“Oh!” You verbalized your surprise, unsure of what to make of the curious yet hopeful look on his face.

He took that as an answer though, turning towards the entrance and opening the door fully.

“Alright boys,” The gym came to a stand still, and, yup, you regret your decision in not booking it when you had the chance.

They had all definitely seen you now, curious eyes studying the timid girl standing behind their couch. He stepped to the side, allowing you to enter beside him, knuckles turning white from the desperate grip you had on the straps of your bag.

The coach motioned towards you, “This is…” He trailed off, glancing towards you.

Oh— oh you needed to respond.

“Uh— (L/N). (F/N). (L/N) (F/N).” It took you a moment to remember yourself, and you bowed quickly, almost stumbling forward; you could feel your cheeks burning up to the tips of your ears.

Who stumbles over their own introduction this bad?

But the coach didn’t seem to mind, “This is (L/N), she’s going to watch your practice today.”

Kuroo was the only person you recognized by face and name, and he was staring right at you, head tilted curiously. You assumed the other two near him were also third years— your upper classmen were staring at you— were they judging you too?

“So I expect you all to be on your best behavior,” He put emphasis on his words, and you followed his gaze to the one who had yelled at the ball earlier.

His cheeks were red, probably rivaling the look on your face, and he was staring at you. You could feel yourself tense at being under his gaze, desperately trying to look away and not make eye contact with him. A few of the guys chuckled quietly.

“And put on a good show,” His voice dropped the serious tone, taking on a light, teasing tone, nodding good naturedly.

The boys nodded, shouts of agreement ringing out before they disbanded. You felt your breath catch as the three upperclassmen walked over, shoulders almost up to your ears as they approached.

The shorter one of the three, the one you had seen earlier, smiled at you, and while the two of you weren’t far from the same height, he still seemed… very intimidating.

“I’m Yaku Morisuke, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

You couldn’t form a response, so you stuck to nodding, trying your best to smile back at him.

“Kai Nobuyuki, it’s good to meet you.”

Kuroo stared down at you, and you felt like a puppy with their tail tucked between their legs. Have you done something wrong? Already?

“Kuroo Tetsuro.” He paused, seeming to try and piece together his next words, “What brings you to our practice?”

You blanched at the question, and your face must have shown it, because Yaku was quick to elbow the taller man. Kuroo jumped at the jab, “Ow— dude.”

“Ignore him.”

The coach stepped forward, finishing his side conversation, “Well it’s not for certain, but if she’s still looking for an afterschool club or such and will have us, we may have found ourselves a manager.”

A manager?

Manager.

You looked towards the older man with wide eyes— that was definitely not the reason you were here. You had come this way to avoid social interactions— and you were failing that miserably.

However, the eyes of the three before you lit up, small, almost hopeful grins on their faces.

“Yeah?” Kuroo looked down towards you, “You up for manager position?”

“Well,” You swallowed, flinching at your own, small voice crack, “I— I didn’t know you all— that you were— I mean—”

“You don’t need to decide now,” Yaku stepped in to save you from your own floundering words, “Obviously you just met us.”

A whistle was blown, and everyone’s attention was drawn over. An older man was standing on the sides, a lazy, almost cat-like grin on his face, “Alright boys, get yourselves into position. Let’s give our guest a show she won’t forget.”

Kuroo, Kai, and Yaku all bowed towards you, before moving back to the court. You were led over to the other man by Coach Naoi, as he now introduced himself. The older man was Coach Nekomada, and apparently he had been with Nekoma for a while.

“I was wonderin’ if you were ever gonna come inside.”

You felt your blood run cold through your veins, and the embarrassment from earlier was now ten fold.

“I— I’m so sorry, sir! I didn’t mean to interrupt or intrude—”

He laughed loudly, “Nonsense! Nothing gets these knuckleheads more fired up than an audience.” A loud yelp was heard, and you turned in time to see the one with the mohawk rubbing the back of his head, seeming to be getting yelled at by Yaku.

You heard Nekomata sigh, “Some more than others.”

You couldn’t help but laugh slightly, he seemed like a tired uncle— or grandfather. He was quiet for a moment, and you turned to watch as the team was split in two, groups on either side of the net.

“So, (L/N), tell me, what all do you know about volleyball?”

“Oh, uh, not much,” You spoke honestly, watching as the ball was set into motion, the sound of sneakers and the ball hitting skin breaking the momentary silence, “I don’t know anyone who plays it… and I never really watched it.”

You weren’t even entirely sure what was happening before you— and now they had their hopes on you becoming their manager? They were to be sorely disappointed. You tried hinting at this to Coach Nekomata, though your eyes were seemingly glued to the game before you.

“I don’t really know… terms or anything,” The ball never touched the ground— and you knew that that was the whole point— but watching it in action was new, “Or the positions.”

Every sport had different positions, different plays, different everything. And you felt like you knew none of them. You frowned, the excitement had seemed to rub off on you, and you were almost… hopeful, watching the ball get closer and closer to touching the ground.

You wanted to witness at least one point get scored before you let them down by saying you couldn’t be their manager. Then you’d just do your best to avoid all of them in school so they didn’t get mad at you or annoyed with you or try and pressure you to join.

“So I’m not sure… how useful I’d be.”

You received a hum in response, “Well, not everyone here started off with all the knowledge they had now, nor the power and capability.”

Watching how they played— how they appeared to move in sync, you doubted that.

“They learned as they played, they’ve failed and hurt themselves, and look at them now.” He sounded proud as he spoke, and the rawness made your heart ache.

You wanted to feel that, about yourself, about an accomplishment of yours. But the pride could be easily diminished, and you let out a soft sigh, “I’m not sure I’d be the best student at this, learning it all to be of any help.”

He didn’t respond, and you stayed quiet, watching the game, noting the annoyed looks on faces as the ball continued to refuse to fall, the shouts and grunts as they moved quickly, but never desperately, never tiredly.

“I don’t think I’m—”

The echoing of the next move silenced you, and you swore you could feel both impacts of the ball in your chest. The guy from earlier had hit the ball, and it had finally gone over the net, breaking past the others and slamming into the ground. It ricocheted off the floor, smacking into the wall behind them. The sight, the sound, the impact— all those left you stunned, eyes wide in awe at the strength and force before you.

You hadn’t… seen something like that before.

And he looked so proud of himself, scoring the first goal of the game. His side looked excited, energetic. And the others didn’t look disappointed, or upset, they looked hungry, ready to steal that point back.

The excitement that had been steadily growing was practically making you vibrate now, and you could almost feel a smug aura from Coach Nekomata from beside you. He cleared his throat, and you tore your gaze away from the court.

“That wasn’t even the best Yamamoto can do,” His eyes were twinkling, “Not the best the entire team can do.”

You couldn’t leave now— you had to watch the game, to watch the plays. You got why people enjoyed sports— playing and watching them— but now you understood.

“What,” You licked your lips, “What all does a manager need to do?”

He grinned, turning to look back at the game, “We’ll get to that, but for now, welcome to the Nekoma team, little manager.”

Masterlist

#Nekoma #Nekoma manager reader #Nekoma x reader #haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #kuroo tetsuro #yaku morisuke #kai nobuyuki #coach nekomata #hq #hq x reader #team nekoma #team nekoma x reader

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luna-only-online · 1 year

Text

So I’ve been continuously getting followers recently (slowly). At least daily. First, thank you! I’m glad you like my work! Second, I didn’t think anyone would find me and thought I wouldn’t have to do anything, but if you’re here I feel must provide content. At some point very soon.

In the meantime here is a poem I wrote. Inspiration was from the religious relationships and stories between both me and a friend. The poem tells a story of a child and their relationship between them and and their god until eventually they loose their relationship with their god. Until eventually they stop believing in them altogether.

Dear God, Are you There?

Dear God,

Thank you

For my family

For my friends

For my teachers

I love everything so much!

The world is soo prettyful!

I am so excited for tomorrow

Why? I start kindergarten

Bye Bye!

Dear God,

I’m doing really well in school

I’m basically the best

I always know the answer

but..

I’m spend a lot of time alone

My siblings are too busy

Mom and Dad are always busy

And They’ve been fighting a lot

Dad spends less time at home

God please help them love each other

Please help me too.

Amen.

Dear God,

help me find my way.

Help me get back on the path to you.

I eagerly await eternal salvation.

Amen.

Dear God,

I’ve been really tired lately and

I don’t think the others really like me

I hear them say mean things about me

No one invites me to join them

By the time I ask to join

They have too many people

I’m the last to be picked for teams

No one seems to want me

I don’t like being alone.

Please help me

Amen.

Hey God,

I got a puppy!

she’s my best friend

I practice my role for the play with

I’m gonna do great!

Thank you.

Amen.

Hey God,

I don’t see my Dad anymore

I hope he’s alright, would you help him find his way?

Sorry I broke my promise

it was just too much

I did wonderful on stage!

But before and after the performance I cried a lot

The others said some things that hurt a lot

I have to change myself

Please help me to be better

Amen.

Dear God,

My dog was killed

It hurts so much

My best friend is gone and I’m alone again

Mom is finally letting me transfer schools

It all became too much, I couldn’t take it

I didn't realize I was being bullied

I have a new chance

Please help me get through this

Are you there God?

Dear God,

I hate myself.

I’m having a hard time.

I hate everything and everyone

the world is so dull and boring

I don’t wanna be here anymore

Would you send an angel to free me from this world?

Or at least help me find my way.

I’m doing my best.

Sorry.

Dear God,

I’m struggling to keep faith

Help me continue on the right path.

I transferred schools again.

I met people who are interested in things I am!

Thank you.

God, are you there?

Its been awhile and It’s getting hard again.

My friend is with you now

I hope he doesn’t suffer from his illness anymore

We went into lockdown and a lot of people died.

It feels like everyone I love leaves me

Rumors started about me

I don’t know who to trust

Why am I here?

If there even is a God,

Is there a god?

I’d like to say “Hello” just one last time

This is the last time I’ll try

I was kind, I was helpful

I prayed, I believed

But isn’t what I was promised

I just don’t believe you’re there

I’ve been living a miserable life

But just in case I thought I’d say Goodbye

There is no God.

I know there is no god.

I used to be told to pray to the lord.

They promised me eternal happiness.

They said he would solve everything

and that he would save me from all of my pain.

He didn’t.

I did everything right

Why couldn’t I be happy?

And I’m not the only one.

I was a fool, a complete idiot.

To think someone else could solve my misfortunes.

But I was so wrong.

There was no one who could help me.

It has always been just me.

There is no God.

I should’ve known better.

I’m so stupid

I should’ve known I could have helped myself

I could’ve saved myself.

That’s so frustrating!

I didn’t know anything!

Why is that..?

I still don’t know

What an ignorant idiot

I didn’t need to depend on someone else to make my life better.

But now I know better than that.

Now I know there is no God.

Dear God, There is No God.

When I was little,

I had already suffered

Children shouldn’t have to suffer

I believed someone or something would save me

I believed there was a god that would help me

I believed that for so long.

Eventually I learned better

By the time I was 12

I didn’t rely on anyone

I’m alone.

It’s me against the rest of the world.

I may be alone but I am going to survive.

~LunaOnlyOnline

Notice Regarding The Fan-Fiction I Write: Excluding Kite, I’m not taking requests yet. If you have any ideas for a Kite fanfic, please tell me! If it’s for Kite, I’ll do anything . . . almost anything.

#kite hxh #kite hunter x hunter #kite x reader #poems on tumblr #god isn’t real #there is no god #poem #original works #original poets on tumblr #original poem #poetry #tumblr poetry

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thebisexualmandalorian · 2 months

Text

Writing Pattern Tag Game

Rules: List the first line of your last 10 posted fics and see if there's a pattern! (I’d take it literally and just do the first sentence but if I feel like it works better with the first two sentences, that's what you'll get. Keeping this from flammen, bc agreed)

Anyone feel free to tell me what themes y'all see!

Feeling - FFVII Rebirth (READ THE TAGS BEFORE YOU CLICK) Cloud is trapped, and he’s never hated anything more. He can see and hear and feel everything, and the hands stroking over his body are his, but they aren’t under his control.

Heart Family - One Piece Rosinante looks over the boys asleep sprawled over each other, and he sighs. He should bring Sanji somewhere safe and leave him there, but he can’t bring himself to let go of the little ray of determined sunshine now.

Forgiveness - One Piece “You scare me, Ace.” Marco’s voice is barely above a whisper, and he looks so, so tired. Has he slept at all?

dégagé - One Piece Sanji knows how to hide. He’s very, very good at it by now.

Distance, Distance Keeps You Safe - Resident Evil Leon sits alone in his hotel room, like he usually does, with a fifth of mid-priced bourbon, like he usually does. It’s a familiar enough routine that he can feel the feeling starting to return to his hands, the booze steadying them as the adrenaline slowly fades into memories and nothingness.

Mama - One Piece Mother. It’s what Cora-san calls himself, and while Law can’t quite bring himself to say it - there’s still too much unresolved grief around using that title out loud, even a decade and a half later - he hopes he knows that he wants to.

Heavy Heart to Carry - One Piece Ace wakes up. He wishes he hadn't.

bad behavior but you do it in the best way - One Piece Shanks is a whirlwind in Buggy’s life. He always has been, since they were just a couple of fucked up foster kids growing up together, and now that they’re in high school, Shanks is always finding new ways to stress him out.

Monster - One Piece “I’d kill him, if you let me,” Zoro says, tracing a scar over Sanji’s back. What’s the use of being the world’s greatest if he can’t even take this pound of flesh for someone he loves?

Under the Surface - One Piece The first time Ace gets a good look at what lurks under the surface in Sabo is after Marineford. He’d always known Sabo is like him, but while Sabo saw him in both forms plenty of times in Goa, he’s never gotten to see what Sabo can shift into.

Tagging anyone who wants to!

#my fanfic #fic writing shenanigans

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twisted-fucked-up-sunflower · 1 year

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my thoughts on crime and punishment characters!!

Raskolnikov: he’s so babygirl, he’s just like me fr. Minus the killing people part and the ubermensch complex he has. I’d argue he’s schizotypal but that’s likely not true. So I headcanon him as such. (If it’s unclear, I am schizotypal myself)

Razumikhin: Undisputed best bisexual representation in literature, my GOAT, love him to death, XOXO. No further comments. Perfect character.

Dunia: [to Svidrigailov] GET A JOB. STAY AWAY FROM HER (I wrote this in the book pages where it was relevant). She’s as smart as Rodia from what I read, though she wasn’t developed a lot as a character I think? I still need to re-read the book later. She should’ve shot the revolver at the guy’s head. Probably didn’t want to end up like her brother, though. Unlikely she’d come out winning from killing a man with connections, as evil as he was.

Pulkeria: Didn’t really find her too interesting, but I think that’s because she wasn’t focused on a lot. Remarkably patient towards Rodia, it was infuriating when Rodia just fucked off and didn’t speak to them (Dunia and Pulkeria) for days. His ungrateful ass. I get this habit, though, since I have it myself. Sometimes people are upsetting to be around, for no reason, might I add.

Svidrigailov: Exceedingly, unabashedly, shamelessly despicable. Hate him with my heart. He seems like a parallel to Rodia, and the book seems to focus on this from Rodia’s own observations. Parallel not in a good way, I’ll clarify, but in a “What if he was completely evil” way. I’ve got 40 pages left to read in this book and I’d like it if within the next 20 he ****** himself. Irredeemable but really interesting at the psychological level. He’s insane, it seems. Or maybe also schizotypal. Either way words cannot describe how much I hate this man.

Porfiry: Not much to say here, he ate Raskolnikov up both times they talked though, gagged him 😭 #embarrassing

Lujin/Luzhin (not sure on how it’s spelt): He’s so laughable. Gets insulted once, subsequently sends word of how it hurt his feewings to get clocked at the psychological level by the brother of the woman he’s going to marry, at his historic age like FOH ☠️. And I was livid when he tried to incriminate Sonia/Sofya (I prefer Sonia tbh) like bro really tried that shit 😂😂😂. He got owned by Rodion every single time he tried to fight back it was so fucking funny. Pathetic ass man. Glad he called off the marriage. Asshole.

Sonia: She’s Rodion’s love interest, it seems. I don’t get why she’s going to go to Siberia with him, though. Her family’s taken care of (by SVIDRIGAILOV of all people) and she hasn’t committed any crimes. Is it just something to do with misogyny or something related to it? She told Rodia to confess to his crime to atone, but in a *catholic* way. It’s crazy she got burdened with the knowledge of Rodia’s crimes and still said “Oh how you suffer! Atone for your sin willingly, it’s your only way to get rid of the guilt!” Her abnegate character showed a bit here, methinks. Still, why the fuck would she go to Siberia? Just because she *loves* Rodia? They both seem like they fell in love with each other for some odd reason, or maybe none at all so yeah. She’s also a favorite because of the way they describe her, the blue eyes seem like something I’d like to draw, when I get to it. Though, it’s curious that it’s Svidrigailov in love with Dunia and Raskolnikov in love with Sonia. Dunia and Sonia get stuck with the two murderous morons. (Well, not Dunia, because she managed to get Svidrigailov to not assault her. Again, DESPICABLE man, that one. Hope he dies :D)

Anastasia/Anastasya: I love her so much, I wish we’d gotten to see her interact with Razumikhin more because their dynamic was funny to me. She also laughed with a snort if I recall and that is so real of her. She also helped Rodia with food, basically kept his stupid ass alive for free before Razumikhin came back.

Zamiotov: Not much to say about him, really. Funny when Rodia explained in detail how he ‘would have’ gone about murdering Alyona, though. Fucking hilarious to read that shit. Most obvious criminal of all time.

Marmeladov: God knows how many pages he went on telling Rodia his entire life story. Perfect character. No notes.

Catarina/Sonia’s mother: Very tragic. Her death made me feel sad. But the parts before that when she was just DRAGGING Amelia Lippewechsel, she was so real for that.

I think I might be missing a few characters. No worries! I won’t update this lol. I hope those who read, if any do, find this funny.

#literature #crime and punishment #fedor dostoevskij #thoughts #razumikhin #raskolnikov #favorite characters #classic lit

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rosayounan · 2 years

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You Will Be My Better Half- Part 4

Warning for some blood and gore. Don’t read if you’re sensitive to this stuff. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Bheem had been lucky this morning. With his spear and a sack, he had caught four fish already. He had been cautious of his surroundings though, checking the river for any signs of danger from man or beast before he even entered the water. He had busied himself in this manner for quite some time. Feeling satisfied with his work, he wrapped the caught fish in the sack and began making his way back to their campsite.

He spotted the fire roaring back to the life, from Ram no doubt. Ram sat near the fire, stoking the flames with sticks. He smiled as he spotted Bheem. Bheem grinned back waving the sack proudly.

“Found something?” Ram laughed.

“You could say that.” Bheem smiled.

A wave of concern hit him as he saw Ram’s gaze move to the bushes behind him.

“Bhai?” He stopped, locking eyes with his brother.

“Slow.” Ram ordered in one word.

Bheem understood the command and slowed his pace, checking his surroundings. He spotted movement in the tall grass behind him.Ram stood up, aiming his rifle and Bheem gripped his spear. One look between them both said everything.

“I’d lower your weapons if I were you.” A voice was heard.

Both Ram and Bheem turned to see a familiar face clad in a British uniform pointing a pistol at them.

Ram’s superior officer.

“No sudden movements gentlemen,” He ordered looking between them both, “I wasn’t foolish enough to think that I could bring you both in without losing my own head.”

Bheem looked around knowing even though things were quiet, there probably was an ambush hiding somewhere. He looked back at Ram and saw his brother had seen it too.

“Tell me,” Ram lowered the rifle, “How much money were your promised by our arrest?”

“Absolutely nothing,” The chief glared, “All of Britain would love to see you dangling from a rope. However, trials must be given and I was ordered to bring you in alive, sergeant.”

Ram’s blood boiled at the hated name. He didn’t want the title or the faked dignity that came with it. He hated the men behind each uniform. The uniform that he made himself put on every single day. It was the only way to gain freedom for his family. It was a sacrifice Ram had been willing to give. For a chance to gain the weapons his father had shed his blood to get and the power that came with it.

But now, the time for deception and hiding was over.

“It’s a shame it had to turn out like this,” The commander spoke, “You had such high hopes in our rankings. You outworked every other officer I had ever met. The only foreign one to go that far.”

Ram took a step foreword, “And I will go farther. Until I see everyone who is a threat, destroyed.”

The chief glared at him, simmering rage coursing through him. Ram stared back unfazed and unafraid.

“So will I, officer,” He nodded looking around, “Now!”

Ram raised his rifle and took a shot in the tree above them. With a howl of pain, two officers fell from the limbs, dying before they even reached the ground. As both men expected, six more officers came running out of the thicket.

Bheem swung his spear, knocking one man in the face, breaking his neck with the blunt force. Ram shot two more that were running quickly, killing them both. One officer dodged his bullet and attempted to swing his rifle at Ram’s head. Ram caught the rifle in his hand keeping his gripped locked and used his other hand to grabbed the man’s head, cracking it swiftly. The officer fell dead at his feet.

“3 more!” Bheem yelled, running up to one and flipping him over onto his back, stabbing him.

Ram looked the chief, who he spotted standing close trying to get a shot at Bheem. He wasted no time in firing his rifle, shooting the man’s firing hand.The man cursed loudly grabbing his bleeding hand, looking shocked as his pistol had gone flying.

“FIRE!” He shouted loudly but Ram wasn’t sure at whom.

Looking around quickly to see who was left, Ram aimed his rifle waiting to shoot the first man he saw.

Bheem had just killed his last officer with a quick and vicious stab to the gut. The man fell dead and Bheem pulled his spear out, panting from the fight. A glint of something in the bush, caught Ram’s eye. Before he had even shouted his brother’s name, an arrow came sailing through the air and hit Bheem in the sternum with a sickening sound.

The yell that Ram wanted to rip out of his throat was caught in his chest as he watched Bheem fall to his knee, grimacing in pain. All he saw next was red as he fired a shot into the field. His aim was true as it had been since his childhood, and the victim fell out of covering with a bullet in his head.

Ram ran across the way to Bheem and caught him before he fell.

“Bheem!” He held his brother’s weight as he went to his knees as well.

“It’s alright,” Bheem panted, “I’m alright.”

Ram felt like punching and hugging the fool at the same time. “Like hell,” He shot back helping Bheem sit back, “Let me see.”He moved back the tunic to reveal the sickening sight of the arrow sticking out of is brother’s flesh, slick with bright red blood. Blood mixed with dark liquid. “

Bheem?” Ram couldn’t stop his hands from shaking.

Bheem pulled his shirt back to look at the wound too. He panted as sweat poured from his head. “Poison.” He confirmed what Ram had feared.

“Damn right,” The chief spoke still kneeling on the forest floor holding his bleeding hand, “It’ll take days before you find a cure and he won’t be around that long.”

Ram got up quickly striding over to the man. He grabbed him by the collar firmly.

“Where’s the medicine?” Ram could feel his heart pounding.

“Oh now you’re asking Britain for a favor.” The chief mocked.

Ram pushed him back and took his rifle, swinging it madly at the man. He could hear the crack of bone over the man’s agonizing screams. He hit any part he could, just to make this man suffer. The screams urged him on harder and harder.

“WHERE IS IT?” He screamed back loudly.

“I don’t know!” The chief wailed holding his broken leg.

Ram lowered his rifle and squatted down grabbing the man by his face, “Every minute you spend in silence, I will give you more pain. Until you beg me for death.”

“Anna,” Bheem spoke, “There’s a plant, I know it. It will stop the poison, it’s okay.”

Ram turned back to the chief, whose broken leg was in a mangled shape. Now that this monster wasn’t needed Ram could give him the punishment he deserved. He grabbed him by the collar again.

“I want you to know this. Death didn’t kill you, I did.” He grabbed his rifle and shot the bullet straight through the man’s head.

That taken care of, Ram hurried back to Bheem’s side.

“Which plant?” He asked already ready to run through the forest in search if it.

“Anna,” Bheem pulled his arm, “Calm down, I’m alright.”

Ram didn’t seem convinced as he watched the man before him, shirt staining with blood. “You’re still bleeding.” Ram chastised ripping open the rest of Bheem’s shirt.

He grabbed the pocket knife they had kept close by and cut a piece of cloth from his pants. Using it as a bandage, he rolled it and pressed it firmly over the wound. Bheem’s face twisted in pain and he grabbed Ram’s hand that was applying the pressure.

“Sorry,” Ram squeezed his shoulder.

Bheem patted his hand in response. He was panting by now, “The tip has to come out before anything else. Longer we wait the worse it will be.”

Ram nodded understanding what he had to do. “Sit back.” He helped move Bheem into a more comfortable position, resting against the tree completely.

He then took another cloth he had shred and placed it in his brother’s mouth, “Bite down on that.”

Bheem nodded, breathing deeply in anticipation.

Ram squeezed his hand once more in a silent apology for pain he was about to inflict on his brother. Bheem squeezed back hard, his eyes full of understanding and trust. Ram placed the back of his forearm over Bheem’s upper chest, bracing him. With the other hand he grasped the end of arrow tightly. Just his grip alone, caused Bheem to breathe in pain. Ram faltered for a minute but Bheem nodded indicating for him to continue.

Ram began pulling slowly.

As much as he would have wanted to simply rip the horrible thing from Bheem’s chest and end the suffering, he knew a mistake like that could prove fatal. If the tip of the arrow broke in any way, they would be facing a worse problem. Ram had to keep his hands steady and slowly pull inch by inch. The tip made a sickening ripping sound as it tore flesh. Bheem’s body became tense and rigid as Ram pulled. He gripped Ram’s shoulder tightly, biting down on the cloth. His entire body was shaking from the pain and he finally let a out a low moan.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the rest of the arrow slipped out in one motion.

Ram released a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding. The tip had not broken thankfully, but Ram could see the dark color of the poison mingling with the slick blood. He tossed the hateful weapon away and turned his attention to his brother.

Bheem was still shaking and panting from the trauma.

Ram removed the cloth from is mouth, “It’s over.” He reassured wiping the sweat from Bheem’s face.

Bheem took a deep breath trying to control the shake left in his limbs. Ram held his hand and they both waited for some time for things to calm.

Finally, Bheem spoke,“There’s a plant up ahead there,” He motioned with head, “It grows alongside the trees with vines. We can make a salve and it should stop the poison.”

“Should?” Ram frowned.

Bheem shook his head, “It’ll stop the poison from spreading. Whatever is here now,” He sighed leaving the rest unsaid.

Ram rose steadily to his feet, running hurriedly to the trees with the vines that Bheem had mentioned. He pulled off the leaves viciously, not sure how many to get. He hated feeling unsure and out of control, but there was no time for thinking. Grabbing large handfuls, he ran back to their campsite and found Bheem still sitting upright. “

Is this enough?” Ram asked showing Bheem the large handfuls he had.

Bheem nodded smiling in encouragement, “That’s more than enough. Now just take a rock and smash half of them into a paste and boil the rest of the leaves in water.”

Ram did a he was instructed, finding a bucket and boiling the water under the fire. As he mashed the leaves, he kept an eye on Bheem to see if he was alright. Bheem looked to be doing as well as expected. His face seemed a bit paler and he was sweating profusely now. Ram just prayed that this salve would stop the poison.

“That’s good.” Bheem spoke softly now and Ram brought him the leaves that now looked more like paste.

Bheem dipped his fingers in the paste and brought it up to the wound on his chest. His fingers were shaking badly at this point.“

Here let me.” Ram followed Bheem’s actions and pushed the man’s hand aside to lay the salve over the wound. Bheem lowered his hands and let Ram work on applying the rest of the salve.“

There.” Ram sighed satisfied when the salve completely covered the wound. He used the other strips of cloth to create a makeshift bandage. “

“Bhai,” Bheem spoke as Ram tied the bandage around him from front to back.

“Hm?” Ram frowned deep in his work.

“We should get back to the city soon,” Bheem sighed, “Find the doctor.”

“Is this salve not enough to stop the poison?” Ram asked worry growing in his gut.

“Not all of it,” Bheem explained, “That’s the best I know, but other than that-” He left the rest unsaid.

Ram nodded understanding the seriousness of the situation.“Come one.” He swung Bheem’s arm over his neck and pulled him upright. Slowly they made their way over to Ram’s horse.

Ram helped Bheem get up first, holding his legs to keep him from falling. He then swung up behind him, pulling the man so he was resting against his chest.

“Stay with me, tam’ mudu.” He whispered, urging his horse onward.

They needed to get home.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Comment below you’re thoughts please! :)

i tag all my followers when I post new stories so comment down below if you would like to be tagged when I share updates.

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sukirichi · 3 years

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black magic [01]

REQUEST. arranged marriage + enemies to lovers (sukuna is a simp and lowkey a housewife)

CONTENT/WARNINGS. some suggestive scenes, but overall fluff and romance! slight crack fic, I guess? I was laughing when I wrote this lol

NOTES. I NEED A HUSBAND! SUKUNA I’M GOING TO CRY GOODBYE THIS HAS ME SOFT. also anon i’m not sure if you wanted something with more ~sexual tension~ since this is kind of just comedic, but I hope you like it anyway!

part one | part two (nsfw)

“This is new,” you comment with a glare, your ankle propped on Sukuna’s knee.

“Shut up,” he rolls his eyes, pushing your skirt aside to clean the wounds you attained through exorcising curses. You’ve taken a particularly strong curse today and you’re caught off guard, barely finishing the mission unscathed. Limping all the way back home isn’t easy especially since you live on top of the darned mountain, but if Sukuna’s going to kneel in front of you like this...maybe it wasn’t too tough a journey. “You should stop going to missions you’re not ready for. Look at you, all wounded and bloody.”

“You sound like you care.”

“You’re my wife,” he huffs while dropping the bloody towel on the floor. Sukuna wraps the bandage around your ankle and carries you bridal style even though you’re perfectly capable of walking, but he shoots you a silencing glare. You’d have knocked him in the face any other day, but he’s particularly warm and smells nice today – plus you’re beat – that you bury your face in his chest, ignoring that stupid fluttering in your stomach. “Of course I do.”

You snicker, mind tracing back to your earlier years of this dreaded marriage.

It definitely wasn’t the best – the memories blurring between strangling each other to making out as if breathing was never a thing – and it felt like forever ago when you first met him.

You’d never say it out loud, but... you don’t regret this arranged marriage. Not when Sukuna is tucking himself beside you on the bed, your head above his muscular chest a place similar to home. He covers both your bodies over with a blanket, pulling your body closer to him with a strong arm, his lips pressing onto the crown of your head.

Ugh, you think to yourself, giving in to the need to cuddle your husband after a long day of work. You still refuse to say it out loud, though, and you irk him further by muttering, “That’s not what you said two years ago.”

“I wasn’t in love with you then.”

“I refuse to be married to you!”

Sukuna fights back the urge to cover his ears. Ever since your clan decided to visit his land and started exorcising curses one by one, his life has been nothing but hell. Not only are your relatives the most arrogant people ever with a consistent god complex, they just had to let their little mortal child be in charge of taking on the stronger curses. Seriously, what were they thinking, sending you – who’s barely even out of their training bra years – to deal with curses like him?

Everyone knows Sukuna is a no bullshit man. He won’t hesitate to cut your head off the moment you came raging at him, but then he sees how young you are and decides to send you back to your family.

Expecting that everyone would just call it a day and he’d get offerings for his unexpected mercy, Sukuna is beyond stupefied when they send you back to his temple, all dressed pretty with a basket of fruits and flowers braided in your hair. He remembers growling because you look adorable, but that’s easily wiped away when you open your mouth, your voice scratchy against his ears as you stomp your feet like the young mortal you are.

Sukuna pushes a thumb to his forehead to ease the impending headache, and that’s just from your presence. Something inside him tells that you’re going to be a bigger pain than you look.

“You don’t have much of a choice. You should’ve thought of that before deciding to run rampage over my land,” he reminds, turning boredly to his lone servant from above his throne. Sukuna isn’t impressed, to say the least, especially with your clan’s audacious proposition to gain his favour just this once. “Is this really the woman you bring me – the one they insist to be my wife?”

“She is their best fighter, my Lord.”

Well, he can’t disagree to that. You did, after all, single-handedly give him a cut on the cheek. “She’s feisty indeed.”

“Don’t talk as if I’m not here!”

“Mouthy too,” he mumbles to himself, but your sorcerer senses are sharp and easily picks up on it. He sees you flush angry again, looking immensely adorable with your tiny fists clenched like that and he snorts, waving a hand in the air. “Whatever. Get the wedding over with,” he nods to his servant, his sigh loud and tired as he makes his way to you.

You don’t stiffen at each haunting step, his eyes only glimmering harder with entertainment. It’s rare to find a mortal that doesn’t quiver at the sight of him, the urge to break you only growing stronger.

Even as he cups your face, making sure to not let his claws dig into your precious skin, Sukuna smirks. You’ll be entertaining indeed.

So Sukuna makes a promise, four eyes surveying the way your body is starting to fill in curves at the right places, the swell of your flesh just perfect in his hands... He chuckles to himself, daunting you further as he leans down to your ear, taking pleasure in the slight way your breath hitches. “Maybe then I’ll get to teach you a lesson or two.”

You’re definitely something else, taking advantage of each presented opportunity and not wasting any time before you make your move. Right after the wedding and everyone’s left, leaving you alone with your new husband behind closed doors; you push him until he’s on the ground, legs straddling each side of his hips while you growl above him – the sound similar to a battle cry.

Sukuna merely smirks, barely moving a muscle as his large hands come up to rest on your hips to steady you. “I’ve imagined countless ways you’d be on top of me like this,” his eyes light up with humour upon feeling the cold blade on his skin, “None of them included a knife on my neck though.”

“Shut your mouth. I will kill you myself,” you warn, pressing your knife harder until it draws a slight tinge of blood.

You hardly look threatening above him like this, dolled up to look the best in your wedding with this cursed being. If anything, you look more divine than deadly, and Sukuna thinks that perhaps your beauty could be your best weapon. You are bewitching, after all.

“I refuse to be your Queen and sit next to your throne.”

“Then why didn’t you stop the wedding?”

“I—”

Sukuna’s teasing grin grows wider when you pull back, trying so hard to not trip over your words. It takes all of his self-restraint to not take you right then and there, but he does a good job of holding back, enjoying this view above him instead. “Could it be you’re attracted to me after all, hm, little one?”

“Do not test me, Curse. I’m more than capable of exorcising you myself.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt that. You’re the strongest in the Gojo clan, are you not?” he prompts to appease you, “I don’t even want to see what you’re capable of, but maybe, just maybe...” just as his eyes darken, the edges of his lips turning up into a smirk, Sukuna digs his claws into your thigh in a possessive show of ownership, a painful reminder that you’re his now. “...You could put on a little show for me?”

“I hate you!”

Experienced and strong as you are, you’re nothing compared to a thousand year old curse who’s killed a lot more people faster than you could blink. Sukuna immediately notices the animalistic way you draw your blade, arm swung back with rage written all over your face. Before you could so much as bat an eye, he easily switches the positions until you’re under him, using only one hand to pin your arms above your head, your blade effortlessly thrown to the other side of the room.

“As I thought, you’re a lot prettier under me like this,” he observes, roaming his eyes shamelessly over the fabric clinging prettily to your body. You’ve fallen silent at his unconcealed attention, your compliance enticing him to lean closer just to inhale your intoxicating scent.

“Not so feisty now, little one? Where’d all your hatred for me go?” Sukuna pulls back with widened eyes, “Oh? Am I hearing it wrong or is your pathetic human heart beating so loud right now?” You refuse to look at him, wriggling your hips in an attempt to leave, completely unaware that the mere movement is hypnotizing the curse above you. Sukuna grips your hips in warning, not wanting to destroy you – not now, anyway. “You know all you need to do is say it. I’d gladly take you right here and then.” His words spoken with that deep, throaty voice immediately sends a wave of heat down your core, but you turn away from him, breathing hard and nervously; something Sukuna picks up on in an instant. “Little one...have you never had a man hold you like this before?”

“N-no...”

“I see. Pure and innocent behind that ferocity, huh?” He surprises you by pulling away, smoothening his white robes down as he leaves you panting still on the floor. “Fine. I won’t touch you unless you ask me to.”

“I’d rather die before that ever comes out from my mouth.”

“We’ll see about that,” he smirks, winking at you before he shuts the door. “Little one.”

There’s a lot of weird – and utterly inconvenient things – about being Sukuna’s wife. The man eats everything, absolutely everything, and it doesn’t help that he sucks at hunting too. For a man so huge and burly, he sure is lazy, preferring to do the laundry in the riverside instead while you go out every day to prepare your meals.

You actually don’t mind, but it’s very fun to complain around him.

You’re on your way back to the temple when Sukuna grabs at you, making you drop the freshly caught birds onto the ground. Your brows furrow, about to scold him for being too eager again when Sukuna stares at your arm, his lips pressing into a thin line.

Following his line of sight, your lips form an ‘o’ shape. There’s blood trickling down your forearm from his claws accidentally cutting you, guilt written all over his face. Another weird thing about Sukuna is that he babbles a lot when he’s emotional, and you’re too tired to hear him beat himself over it that you just drag him inside your room, sitting his ass down before taking a clipper.

Sukuna scoffs when you start cutting his nails. It irks him that you don’t even bother wiping the blood off first and he tsks, eyes narrowed at you. “You should have thicker skin.”

You roll your eyes as you file his nails; you’ve been married to him long enough to know it’s his way of saying sorry. Not wanting to let him wallow in guilt any louder, you pad kisses over his knuckles before swiping the black ink off your desk, using a pen brush to colour your nails instead. Sukuna hovers behind you, head tilted to the side as he watched you. “Are you painting your nails black?” he utters in disbelief, trying to ignore the fact he feels...proud and even a little smug. “Not so fitting for the angelic sorcerer now, isn’t it?”

“I’m only doing this so you don’t feel left out.”

“Maybe I’ll add markings to your pretty face too,” he cups your jaw to make you turn to him, landing a solid kiss flat to your lips which makes you sigh, pretending to be annoyed but leaning over for another peck anyway. Sukuna laughs and pulls you onto his lap, kissing your neck this time around, a little annoyed that you don’t stop in brandishing your nails. “Wife, what do you think?”

“I have work, Sukuna. You flirting with me doesn’t change the fact I need to go.”

“Come home safe for me, at least?” he breathes down your neck, his touch sending shivers down your spine. You’ve definitely changed since the first time he’s met you, starting from a mean (although he stands strong that you are still mean to him sometimes) temperamental little one to a mature, stronger sorcerer who’s secretly weak for his wife.

Unable to resist him as always, you turn around once you’ve finished painting your nails, rubbing your nose over his until your strong, scary husband is turning into putty at your hands. “Of course I will,” you peck his lips one last time, Sukuna’s eyes closing as he dives in for a deeper kiss. “I’ll always come back home to my handsome husband.”

If anyone were to ask how it’s possible that the King of Curses is actually very soft for his sorcerer wife, everyone would claim it’s impossible and a heresy – but if you ask Sukuna, it’s probably just black magic doing its wonders.

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i-cant-sing · 3 years

Text

Yandere RE8: TRP Part 4

Part 1 is here.

Part 2 is here.

Part 3 is here.

Part 5 is here.

Check out my MASTERLIST for more!

"Uhh... hello?"

You looked at the woman standing in the stairs. She was wearing a dark veil that matched the rest of her outfit- oh shit, that's a funeral outfit.

I really did pick a bad time to come here, didn't I? She's in mourning, she sees an intruder, and her day went from bad to worst. Yep, she's gonna kill me.

You took one look at the woman and then at all the possible exits: the doors- no, they'd be too heavy to move and what if they're locked? The window- but I'd have to jump out and just because it looks cool in movies to jump through glass, doesn't mean it'll work, Y/n.

So, the only option was to eliminate the threat. Or maybe... defuse it.

"This is your doll, right?" You asked, pointing at the doll, judging by the lace designs on both of their dresses. The woman didn't reply. "It looks like its been... used a lot. To be honest, she's very different than most dolls I've seen, definitely a lot more spookier." You nervously giggled, hoping she didn't mind. "But... she looks like she's been loved. A lot. Despite being broken from a lot of places, someone still took their time to fix her." You smiled sadly, remembering your own doll that Mia had ripped. "Wish I had someone like that. To sew up the wounds and fix them."You mumbled, not really sure if you were talking about your doll or yourself.

"Your doll, she's- she's very pretty. My sister would've liked her." You began. "Which is why I'm here. My family, we were in an accident- I know it was wrong of me to come here without permission, but I need to find my sister, Rose and my father, Ethan." You took a step closer. "They both of have blonde hair. Rose, my sister, she's just 6 months old. She was dressed in a baby pink onesie, bundled up in a blanket. My father, Ethan, he's about this tall and has big blue eyes. I think he was wearing a jacket, with blue denim jeans. H-have you seen them?" You asked, eyes full of hope and voice laced with eagerness.

Please, please let her have seen them. God, please.

Unsurprisingly, the woman didn't reply, but she did turn her head towards the left window. You didn't know whether she was telling you to get out of her house or signalling that they are out there, but you knew you had to leave.

Nodding, you slowly walked towards the window, your heart beating faster as you prayed that this wasn't some sort of trap, hoping she wouldn't attack you from behind because that would be like... really shitty.

But you left the house unharmed, and without looking back at the window because you didn't want to jinx it, you walked towards the forrest once again, thankful that the sun had finally came out.

Where are you guys?

You had been walking for a couple of hours now, the sun had been a bit warmer today, which was good since you hated the snow that surrounded you now. You looked at the map, tracing the path to your new destination. The Salvatore reservoir. It seemed like it would take you a day's journey to get there, and you sure as hell weren't seeing any lake in sight.

God, when will this nightmare end?

You decided to sit on a stone and take some much needed rest. Your feet ached from all the walking, and your calves were cramping. You rolled your head, popping it from the side, before taking off the rifle that had been weighing down, stretching out your arms. Digging through the little back pack you bought from Duke, you pulled out a thermos of coffee and twinkie. You don't know how or where he got it, but Duke had filled your bag with a couple of snacks; saying its for his loyal customer.

So, here you sat, in the middle of the snowy woods, eating a twinkie and drinking a lukewarm coffee. Both didn't taste good, but they're gonna keep you alive so, no complaining.

After drinking the coffee, you rested your head against a tree, recalling last nights events as you waited for the caffeine to kick in.

You tried to make sense of what happened when you got... locked in the basement. You thought you had forgotten about her, Angel. Guess not.

Wait- didn't that lady lock me in the basement? Maybe, she didn't look very hostile, her creepy doll looked scarier than she did.

You laughed at the irony. You always made fun of the horror movies where the family would become so attached to the most horrifying doll, and you'd scream at their stupidity, And yet here you were, falling for the cliche as you found comfort in that creepy doll.

Man, I'm really losing it here.

You sighed, closing your eyes as you tried to come up with the next plan. But the warm coffee had lulled you right to sleep, which was dangerous but you were too tired to care.

Just for a couple of minutes...

You woke up to the sound of growling and heavy steps. And as soon as you opened your eyes, you knew you had definitely slept for far longer than a few minutes. But that was not of concern at the moment. No, it was the source of the growling that had woken you up.

Just about 40 feet away from you were lycans. Plural. Not one, not two, but 5 lycans, and one of them was a really big one.

You held your breath as you watched them wander around; they hadn't spotted you yet, and if you stayed quiet, you hoped they would just go away.

Stilling yourself as much as you could, you watched them with wide eyes. One of them started to walk in your direction, it wasn't looking at you, which meant that it hadn't seen you, but he would if he kept on walking this way.

God, I know we haven't been on good terms, but like c'mon, you gotta give me a break. Please, I love you? Come on, you know this is not how I want to go.

You sent a silent prayer, and perhaps it worked, since the lycan suddenly turned the other way, joining its pack as they started walking deeper into the woods.

Slowly, you began to gather up your things, silently shoving them in your bag, one eye on the lycans and the other one making sure that you don't accidentally drop something that'd cause noise.

Fortunately, you didn't. You swung the bag over your shoulder, and took a step forward, careful not to step on any twigs.

Maybe God did love me. All that time in church-

THWACK!

You jumped back as a huge sheet of snow fell from the trees in front of you. You whipped your head towards the monsters and they all had stopped dead in their tracks. Slowly, one of them turned and if they hadn't heard the snow fall, they'd definitely heard the way your heart was about to burst out of your chest. Then, it growled.

Motherfucker.

You pulled out your gun just as the two of them began running your way. With a quick jump to the side, you dodged them and shot them two times each. Hearing your gun fire, the other two began running your way too, while the larger one stayed behind as it watched. This time, as you shot one of them, the other managed to kick you in the chest hard, throwing you against the rock. Luckily, you didn't hit your head, as you rolled and shot it dead.

Spitting out the blood, you looked back at the last lycan who had already started running your way. You began loading up your gun with trembling hands, but just as you aimed, the lycan took a giant leap and knocked the gun out of your hand.

Fuck.

The giant grabbed you by your neck, lifting you up high before throwing you across the ground. You wheezed, scrambling up to your feet as you began running away from it, its heavy steps following you. It roared angrily behind you, and that only made you ignore the burning pain in your chest as you ran faster.

But of course, God had decided to make you live a cliche horror movie, because you tripped over a fucking branch, making you fall on your stomach. You flipped over instantly, and saw your nightmare come true as the lycan jumped on you.

On pure reflex, you punched it square in the face, which you doubted hurt it more than it hurt you, if anything, the monster was momentarily perplexed, but that was enough for you to slip from under it.

But you were only able to take a few steps away when it suddenly grabbed you by your neck and lifted you up again, snarling as it began opening its mouth, revealing its razor-sharp teeth at you.

God, if you're hearing this, I'm converting to atheism because I did not need this today.

Looking at the horrifying lycan, you prayed one last time before you were eaten by it. Surprisingly, your life did not flash before your eyes, which you were kinda grateful for because you did not need to relive that before your death.

But that moment didn't came. No, what came were familiar moans of pain, and then the sound of a drill, followed by blood splattering on your face as the lycan was sliced vertically from the head to the toe by the aforementioned drill.

The lycan fell to the ground, revealing the pair of soldats that killed them and behind them a smirking Heisenberg, who rested against a tree, tipping his hat at you.

You were far too shocked to say anything, and after a few seconds, the man walked over to you, blocking the view of his monstrous creations just mutilating the lycans.

"So... that was a bit traumatising." He started, chuckling at your stunned face. "You okay, kid?"

What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck-

"Yeah." You took his hand, and he helped you up. You groaned at the pain, touching the tender side around the chest where the lycan had hit you. Yeah, you probably broke a rib.

Heisenberg helped you sit down on a tree stump. "Hmm, that bastard kicked you hard didn't it." Wait- "But that was a phenomenal punch you threw at it. Nearly made me burst out laughing."

"You were watching? Why the fuck didn't you come in before!"

He shrugged. "I just wanted to see if you could really handle yourself- which you were pretty good at, but then you lost your gun and it was kinda an unfair match from there on." He pulled out some pills from his coat. "i was just passing by when I saw those lycans moving away. Thats when I pushed the tree which made snow sheet fall and you know the rest from there on."

Your eyes went wide. "You did that on purpose? What the shit, Heisenberg-?! Fuck." You doubled over in pain, clutching your ribs, heaving.

"Shh, stay still, kid. Here, take these. They'll help with the pain." You eyed the bottle before popping two in your mouth. Hey, if he wanted me dead, he wouldn't have saved me from the lycan. "I just wanted to see if you were worth the trouble, and as it turns out, you are."

"You didn't have to almost kill me to see that. And now I've lost my gun. And I don't have any money to buy a new one. I doubt Duke gives freebies." You huffed out.

Heisenberg rolled his eyes. "God, you sure do whine a lot. Here-" He dropped a tiny pouch in your lap. "There's some coins in there. That should be enough to buy you a new gun. And for fucks sake, get a gun with more rounds! You don't have time to be loading a gun mid battle." He huffed. "So, where are you going now?"

You rolled your head from side to side. "Well, I went to the Beneviento house. Didn't find Ethan or Rose there. Now, I'm going to the lake."

"The lake? Huh, well if you survived Donna, then Moreau should be a piece of cake. You got the map? Let me show you the short cut, it's not far from here." You gave him the map and he showed you the directions.

"Where are you going then?"

"Mother Miranda called. Don't worry, I'll keep our meeting a secret." He then nodded at you. "Alright, I'm off now."

"Wait!" Your voice stopped him. "I don't know when I'll see Duke again. And I don't have gun, so what if another pack of lycans come?"

Heisenberg slumped his shoulders as he let out an annoyed sigh. "Fine. I gotta do everything by myself." He dog whistled and one of the soldats stopped maiming the lycan and ran to Heisenberg. "From now on, you're gonna listen to her."The soldat looked at you and nodded. "If she tells you to kill, you kill. If she tells you to die, you die. Follow her around and keep her safe." The soldat nodded. Then Heisenberg turned to you. "He's already dead, so don't worry about throwing him in danger. Oh and also, just take him into the sun every once in a while so that his engine can recharge. You'll know when he needs the sun."

You were baffled. "Wait, Heisenberg- how the- what the hell am I supposed to do with him?"

"Figure it out, kid. Think of him as a guard dog."

You looked at the soldat then at Heisenberg's retreating form, then back at the soldat.

"So..." The soldat stared at you. "You got a name?"

"Handsome." You nodded to yourself as you trudged, using the soldat's arm to support yourself. "That's what I'm gonna call you. Handsome. What do you think?"

The soldat was wearing a metal contraption over its eyes, so you couldn't really tell what it was feeling.

"Well, you don't seem to have any complaints, so from now on, you'll respond to the name "Handsome". Do you understand?"

The soldat nodded.

You laughed. God, the pain meds were either making me stupid or everything else funnier.

You looked at the map again. Just a couple of more minutes and then a right turn. And then you should see the lake- god, this map was confusing as hell.

"So..." you wondered what you should ask the cyborg. Oh right. "You seen Ethan? Blonde man, crazy big eyes. Or a baby, Rose?" The man shook his head no.

Sigh. What else could I ask him? What about how did he die? No, what if that's triggering? I can't handle a Terminator right now. And I don't think I should ask him about his past or anything that'll cause him to have a existential crisis. Ah! I've got it!

"Hey, how do you see?"

The soldat looks down at you for a few seconds then points at his metal contraption.

Wait- is that sarcasm?

You scoff. "Of course, you see with your eyes! I meant, with the whole metal thingy covering them, how do you- oh, there's this vision specs in them."

You smiled. "Hey, you're kinda like Cyclops, yknow-" you were cut off as Handsome suddenly pushed you to the ground, turning on his drill.

"Wait, shit- you don't have to be Cyclops! We can talk this out-" but Handsome was focusing on something else, and that's when you saw it. Two lycans.

Handsome ran and easily maimed them to pieces, I mean, you had to look away from the horrific scene midway.

The soldat returned five minutes later, covered in blood. He extended his hand and you reluctantly took it, letting him support you as you began walking again, your heart still beating like crazy.

But you calmed down when you finally reached the lake, the setting sun gave serene feel to the entire reservoir. You inhaled deeply before looking at Handsome. "Lets go down there." You pointed at the lake.

You were both sitting at the wooden broadwalk, your legs hanging off the ledge. You looked at the water, it wasn't crystal clear, but you could see some fishes swimming around, so at least it wasn't dangerous to life. You looked at Handsome, then at his drill and you realised he was still covered in blood. "Lets get you cleaned up, hm?" You said, pulling out a rag from your bag and dipping it in the cold water below. You began with cleaning up his drill, then dipping the rag back in cold water and cleaning his chest and his other arm.

"Good job back there, Handsome."You smiled as Handsome nodded. "Heisenberg was right, you are kinda like a dog. Hmm, I wonder if..." You tested your theory as you petted him on the head. "Good job, Handsome!" But the soldat only tilted its head in confusion.

"Hmm, perhaps not." You cupped the cold water in your hands and washed your own face, You looked at your reflection in the water. "You wanna go for a swim? I don't mind." Handsome shook his head. "Yeah, I'm not a fan of swimming either."

Handsome stared at you. You scoffed. "Oh so you pretend you don't understand what I say, but you want to hear the story? Fine, but I'm only telling you because it might be important later."

You both stared at the water as you began your story. "Well, when I was 15, I had snuck out of the house to go to a party. It was at this rich girl's house and I knew she didn't like me, but I was surprised when she had invited me to her place. Yes, a red flag I should've seen from miles ago, but I was young and dumb and desperate to climb the highschool social hierarchy." You chuckled. "Anyways, long story short, one of the guys there pushed me into the pool because I don't know if they thought it was funny to see me drown? By some luck, I managed to grab onto the pool ledge and pull myself up. I immediately left the party, embarrassed and cold and on the verge of breaking down. Then on the way back home, there was this car following me and then some weirdo catcalled me and tried to get me in his car. Now, scared for my life because I watched a lot of Criminal Minds, I ran all the way home, praying that he leaves me alone. I think he stopped when he saw a Range Rover following him, but I don't know. I just rushed back home." You sighed. "You know what happened next? I bursted through the front door, slamming it shut and I turn around to see my dad in the living room, looking surprised to see me. He stood up and looked me up and down and then said, "Y/n? You're drenched completely. And you're messing up the floor. You know what? Mia's in the bathroom right now, why don't you go upstairs and I'll clean up here. You know how she gets when there's water on the wood." And I was just so shocked, that I didn't say anything and went back upstairs. Once I was in the shower, that's when I broke down crying. I almost drowned, almost got kidnapped and my father was worried about me messing up the wooden floor? Hell, he didn't even ask me why I was coming home at midnight." Your tears fell into the lake, making small ripples. You chuckled, "God, I always wondered how tired he must've been from work that day to ignore all these visible signs of distress. I always hated his job, you know? They made him work way too much." You looked at Handsome who was looking at the lake. "Anywho, now you know I can't swim so, save me if I fall into this lake, okay?" He nodded.

You guys sat in comfortable silence for a few more minutes before a question popped up in your mind. "Handsome?" He turned his head towards you, only to see a mischievous smile on your face. "Are you seeing someone?" The man turned his back to the lake, making you laugh. "Ahh, so you like someone. Tell me, is it someone from the village?" The man further turned his head away from you in embarrassment. "Oh come on, tell me! Is it a girl?" He nodded reluctantly, making you punch his arm. "You dog! Does she know?" Handsome shook his head, making you smile. "Tell you what? As a payback for saving me back there, I'll help you get her. I'll be your wingman, Handsome, hm?" He nodded a bit enthusiastically.

"We all deserve good things, Handsome. No matter how we look, or what we are, these things don't really define one's self worth. Its our intentions, you know?" Handsome didn't know, but he nodded anyways.

"Good. Now, lets go check out this place. Keep an eye out for Ethan and Rose, okay?" You told him, not knowing someone was already watching the two of you.

So... thought?

What did you guys think about Handsome? I'm gonna post a pic of him soon if you guys want.

Part 5 is here.

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lubdubsworld · 3 years

Text

⋆⋆✵ Perfect Imperfections ✵⋆⋆

Chapter 1

Genre : Arranged Marriage AU! Angst! Explicit Sexual Content.

Rating : 21+

Warnings : Ableism , Chronic disability. OC has limited use of her left leg, Emotional infidelity? Mild Cheating ( nothing very physical.. a kiss or so )

Summary : Marrying Jungkook is a mistake. Falling in love with him? Definitely the worst exercise in masochism .

~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 2

No one tells you how easy it is to imagine yourself in love with a beautiful man. Especially when you don’t have a clear understanding of what love actually is.

When I met Jungkook, even knowing he was in love with my sister hadn’t done much to douse the flames of hope and attraction. He was a lot of things that other men in my life weren’t. Kind without being pitying. Concerned without being overbearing. He took care of me without making me feel helpless. And there was always such a thin line between these things that I found myself impressed by his ability to toe the line so well.

Jungkook took care of me without making me feel like a burden and I suppose, some part of me had assumed that this could, in due time turn into love. But I was clearly wrong.

Jungkook and Liza had been kissing in the hallway of their hotel room and someone had taken pictures. My father and his had managed to get them taken down but the news was already out, spreading like wildfire . My phone began ringing sometime around eight in the morning and hadn’t stopped. It was now a little past one in the afternoon and I felt queasy, despite the assurances that it was all being taken care of.

It was the pity in everyone’s face that I couldn’t bear.

I wasn’t hurt. Angry, yes? Upset? Of course. But I wasn’t hurt because there really was nothing to be hurt about. Jungkook didn’t love me. He was in love with my sister . He had made it clear, through his words and his actions, over and over again. At this point, I could see this debacle as nothing more than a possible way to get out of the marriage. Perhaps, my father would approve of a divorce?

I glanced at the article again.

The photo is just so annoyingly clear, I thought with a grimace. If it was a little blurry, I could convince myself it wasn’t him and her. But it was clear. That was my husband with his lips locked with my sister’s. Against my better judgment, I read the article again. It was a gossip column, of course there would be nothing good in there. But sometimes curiosity can be a persistent thing.

I felt my skin crawling as I realized that the phrases were all pretty true. There was no gossip here. Just plain facts.

And then my eyes reached the end of the article.

Of note is the fact that Jeon Jungkook’s wife is disabled and perhaps the virile young man is merely looking for pleasure he can’t find in his own marital bed.

I swallowed, quickly exiting the page and tossing the phone on the bed, away from me. I stared out of the window of our bedroom, the large doors left open to let air and sunlight in. There was a tall sycamore tree right outside out bedroom and the branches almost reached in and I stared at the rustling leaves, trying to scrub my mind clean of the words I’d just read.

But it was impossible.

It wasn’t something I hadn’t thought of. The stark difference between me and Jungkook, physically. He spent five days a week in the gym and they were right. He was a young man with healthy sexual appetites.

I’d never cheat on you. Jungkook’s voice from a week ago still echoed somewhere inside my skull.

I sighed, playing with my wedding ring.

I wasn’t a virgin when I married Jungkook. Hadn’t been one , when I got into the accident either. My then boyfriend, a tall strapping lit major had been a very sexual guy as well and our libidos had matched pretty well. But I’d been an athletic nineteen year old, able to bend like a pretzel at his whim and there was just endless time and endless stamina and just a whole lot of attraction . We had spent hours, exploring each other the way college kids do. Weekends in bed spent trying every possible permutation of sex positions and kinks and I’d discovered all the things I liked. All the things I didn’t.

But then the accident had happened and well, when you’re in crippling agony, sometimes sex takes the backseat. I’d been focused on my recovery, on making sure that I came out of this at least with the ability to walk and I’d succeeded. Burying the part of me that craved a man’s touch, it wasn’t easy but it was necessary.

And then Jungkook had happened.

Sex with Jungkook hadn’t been difficult. Not really. I wasn’t completely crippled after all but it was also nowhere near as exciting as it could be with someone who had full use of her legs. I knew that. It was kind of obvious. But I hadn’t dwelt too much on it because to be honest, Jungkook hadn’t looked like he’d minded. He had seemed to enjoy himself .

But then reading about how he probably hadn’t enjoyed it definitely stung.

Worse yet, probably half the country was reading it with me. I felt nauseous. Did no one think that they should have left the last part out of that article? It was terrible enough without adding that bit about me.

A faint buzzing made me turn to the bed.

I glanced at my phone as it rang, my father in law’s name prominent on the screen.

Showtime, I thought with a grimace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I suppose it was too much to hope for , expecting that boy to keep his dignity. This is outrageous.” Mr. Jeon’s loud voice rang through the foyer of the house and I flinched, gripping the edge of the futon as Sana jumped a bit . She sat next to me, holding my hand carefully. Moral support I supposed but I was feeling entirely too blasé about the whole thing. None of this was unexpected, I thought miserably and I wasn’t feeling up to pretending otherwise.

“I still wish they’d talked to me about this.”

My brother in law’s voice broke me out of my thoughts. The man looked like he’d been dragged through hell and back and I felt a pang of genuine sympathy. He looked wrecked and it was obvious she was in love with my sister. Resentment coiled thick and deep inside me. Resentment and envy.

With no effort at all she had charmed both the Jeon brothers, I thought bitterly.

Jeon Jihyun looked absolutely stricken at the thought of losing his wife.

“I’ve asked Lisa to take the first flight out. She called me this morning, hysterical. It was something done in the heat of the moment. She .. She’s very apologetic. I believe her and I’m willing to forgive her. We’re…. We’re thinking of starting a family together. ” He said softly and my stomach turned.

I felt my skin go ice cold as I wrapped my arms around myself. Shivering just a bit, I lightly squeezed Sana’s hand. She looked at me in askance and I had to swallow to get my voice out, throat dry. The words made me want to retch. I could imagine how Jungkook would take this news.

“Can you get me my shawl? It’s in the green room.” I said hoarsely. She bowed before moving away from me and when I looked back up, Jihyun’s gaze caught mine.

“This must be hard on you.” He said softly and I flushed, staring down at my knees.

“Not like I can run from it. Literally or figuratively.” I smiled without mirth.

“Jungkook is …he’s just confused. He needs some time to sort himself out. I’ve asked him to take a break and come back to Seoul after a couple of weeks. The separation would do him some good.” Jihyun said quietly and I sighed before nodding. What else was I supposed to say to that anyway? There wasn’t much I could do, my influence on things almost nonexistent at this point.

“Are you going to give the boy a break, Jeon?” My father demanded, staring at Jungkook’s father who sighed.

“Yes. I’ve been trying to get these damned reporters off our back. They’re all over the place. And yes, I think Jungkook should stay in Japan for a while. We’re starting a new distribution branch there and I wanted him to scout places and possible vendors. I’ll tell him to hash out all the details before coming back.”

His phone rang again and he excused himself . I watched him leave the room, trying to make sense of his words.

How long would it take to build a whole branch in Japan? I had no clue. But it could hardly be done in a few weeks, could it?

“That’s.. That’s a long time.” I said hesitantly and my father frowned.

“is that a problem?” he asked.

I sighed. There was no point keeping this to myself. I was supposed to go to the doctor’s tomorrow. And well, it would be better if they heard it from me first.

“I.. I’m pregnant.” I said quietly.

The silence that followed was deafening. I stared at the carpet, not able to bring myself to look up at them. I could guess, what I’d find there. It was what I always found in people’s faces.

“Oh, sweet child.” My father’s sigh made me look up and there it was. The pity. I felt sick to my stomach. Sana returned, settling the hand knit shawl over my shoulders and I wrapped it tight, before glancing at her in some desperation. She smiled reassuringly, settling next to me and gently taking my fingers in hers. The warmth grounded me for a second and when Jihyun growled, I stared at him.

“I… I didn’t know. Fuck, I’m going to kill Jungkook. This fucker…” Jihyung swore and my father sighed, clearly thinking hard.

“you can’t be staying alone now.” He said softly, sitting up and cracking his knuckles, and I swallowed. I wouldn’t bear it if they tried to take me back home. I had hated it there.

“ You must come back home with me.” He said softly but I quickly shook my head.

“ No.. No I won’t. I … Please.” I begged, the mere idea of going back to my childhood home a nightmare. My mother would kill me with just her sharp and vindictive words. I was in no shape to put up with her verbal and emotional abuse. It was one of the things that had made me agree to marry Jungkook in the first place.

“Well, you can’t stay here by yourself.” My father protested. I’ve been by myself my whole damn life, I wanted to scream.

“I’ll be fine. I have Sana and the others to help me.” I said tiredly. My father shook his head before turning to Jihyun again.

“Is Namjoon still working on his book?” My father asked him and Jihyun frowned. The name elicited a tug in my memory and I turned to stare at my father, confused.

“You remember him? He used to tutor you when you were hi High School.”

I had a brief flashback to dimples and almond shaped eyes. I remembered him vaguely. Very vaguely. But nowhere well enough to want him to live with me, alone or not.

“Dad…” I protested but he held a hand up to silence me, nodding at Jihyun .

“Namjoon? Kim Namjoon? ” He shook his head. “ I’m not sure. Why?”

“I think it would be good if he moves in here. His father was telling me that he was looking for a place to stay, now that he’s moved back to Korea. ” My father said softly, staring at me and I stiffened.

“Father…” I began desperately and my father shook his head.

“Don’t argue. He was a dear friend of yours. I don’t think you should be alone at a time like this. And I think Jungkook would approve. Like Jihyun said, the kid needs some space to sort himself out. Let him finish whatever business is going on in Japan.” My father glanced at Mr. Jeon who looked at me with guilt.

“I owe you an apology , on behalf of my idiot son.”

I looked away, not sure what to say to that. I hated the man quite passionately. Jungkook wasn’t perfect… far from it. But this man had taken a sledgehammer to my husband’s mind and heart at every turn. The disdain, the condescension, the sick way he favored his brother over him, the way nothing Jungkook did was ever good enough. It had all taken a toll on my husband. I had watched it chip away at Jungkook’s self confidence, at his mental health.

“I think more than anything, you owe an apology to your son. You knew he was in love with Lisa and yet…. You forced him to marry me.” I said quietly and the room went eerily quiet. My father rounded on me , eyes blazing.

“Leah!!! Apologize, now!” He roared and I looked away.

“You’re all the same. Ungrateful and entitled.” Mr. Jeon said sharply, before turning to his son. “ I’m leaving Jihyun-ah. Tell me when that wife of yours get home. I want to talk to her.”

He shared a half hug with my father before stalking off and my father grabbed his jacket as well.

“I’ll leave as well. Your mother is being quite hysterical. Apparently, all her friends are hounding her about the article.” He sighed and I nodded , watching him shrug on the jacket before nodding at Jihyun and then following his friend out to the front doors.

Jihyun stayed standing , watching my father’s form disappear through the door before turning to me.

“ Are you alright?” He said quietly, moving to kneel in front of me. Sana stood up, bowing before leaving and I watched her disappear into the hallway leading to the kitchens. Jihyun’s fingers wrapped around mine, brushing my knees and I stared down at him.

“The question is, are you alright?” I brushed the hair off his face. He sighed.

“No. No I’m not. I’m angry and jealous and very much filled with resentment towards my brother.” He said honestly and I laughed, tugging on his hand and patting the seat next to me. He straightened before moving to settle next to me and I leaned on his shoulders, sighing as he wrapped on around me, the warmth of his body comforting .

“Are you going to give your marriage a chance?” I asked carefully.

“She told me she was going to break things off for good. We.. We’ve been talking about it. Starting a family, making this work.” He said quietly. I nodded. It was understandable. Unlike Jungkook and I , Jihyun had a responsibility. He would need a son and even though people liked to act like they didn’t care much about gender, like they didn’t care much about having children , it was sort of an unspoken rule. First son of the house ? You had to have a male heir to carry the family name.

I wondered how that conversation had gone between Jungkook and Lisa. It didn’t really match the photo I’d seen.

“I suppose Jungkook probably put up a fight. He genuinely wants to end up with her. He… He tells me often that he loves her and can’t love anyone else. ” I wondered if I ought to feel embarrassed or insulted.

But the truth was, I was numb to a lot of things that had once hurt quite a lot..

The conversation with Jungkook about my pregnancy had definitely cleared things up for me. There was nothing there worth salvaging. Chasing something that wasn’t real , that was foolishness. Especially when I had a very real baby to think about. A child that counted on me to make the right choices.

“I don’t think he did. She spoke to me last night and said that he agreed. Of course that was before the article came out. I’d like to think she didn’t lie to me but I’m not sure.”

I sighed, settling in closer to his chest. He was warm and firm, solid and reliable. I wondered if it would have been easier, if my father had just married me off to Jihyun instead. Jihyun and I …we were alike. We had been friends , even from childhood. Had watched with fond adoration as our younger siblings had fallen madly, wildly in love. Jungkook and Liza had been drawn to each other from the first. Inevitable.

Jihyun and I were more carefree. We didn’t feel things that intensely and perhaps that was why we could sit here in the calm of the afternoon air, quiet and introspective when we ought to be furious and raging.

“ Should we run off together? You and i?” He said suddenly making me laugh.

“Very much incapable of running.” I reminded him with a grin and he squeezed my shoulder .

“I’d carry you.” He said simply.

“Where would we go?” I asked curiously, indulging the fantasy for just a few minutes.

“Somewhere far away. Maybe India? There’s so many people there and we could get lost in the crowds.”

“That does sound appealing.” I smiled and turned to look up at him. His face inches from mine, not as handsome as Jungkook but strong featured and kind. “ But I’m not alone anymore. I have a child.”

His gaze dipped to my lap.

“Yes. Jungkook’s child.” He said thoughtfully.

“No. Mine. Nobody else’s . Just mine.” I said quietly. Jihyun’s gaze softened. He pressed a quick kiss to the top of my head.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, echoing his father’s words.” On behalf of my idiot brother, I’m sorry.”

And where Mr. Jeon’s words hadn’t made any sort of impact, Jihyun’s made my heart clench and ache in the worst way. Self pity was something I loathed but sometimes, being handed the short end of the stick at every turn in life makes it impossible to not feel sorry for yourself.

Tears stung, welling up in my eyes and spilling over my lashes like water bubbling out of an aquifer.

I blinked slowly, not bothering to wipe them as they traced a path down my face, dripping into the fabric of my shawl. In a moment of clarity I wondered what Jungkook must be going through now. Nothing good for sure.

It definitely said something, that I still worried for him. Sighing, I let Jihyun hug me closer. I would take advantage of his kindness for a few more minutes. It had been a while since someone had held me like I mattered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I called Jungkook that evening.

It wasn’t an easy choice but my heart ached and my mind raced with unanswered questions. I didn’t want to get lost in my own thoughts so I didn’t overthink it. We were still married. I was allowed to call him.

He picked up on the third ring.

“Where are you?” I asked quietly and Jungkook’s groan made my face heat up a little.

“I… Leah?” He sounded groggy. I glanced at the time. It wasn’t late.

“Are you sleeping?”

He didn’t reply for a few minutes.

“I’m sorry about what happened. We.. We didn’t do anything else. It was just.. it was a kiss. Just that.”

“Are you still in the hotel?” I asked quietly ignoring his words.

“ For tonight, yes. Dad wants me to stay with a friend of his. I’ll be going over to their place tomorrow morning.” He replied .

Silence followed for a few seconds.

“Namjoon is moving in tomorrow.” I said stiffly.

Jungkook didn’t respond for a minute or so.

“Yes. Father said it’s a good idea. And I agree. You shouldn’t be alone while I’m here. He’s right. Hyung’s a nice guy. He’ll help you out.” Jungkook said softly.

“Liza came home. She wanted to talk to me.” I said quietly.

Jungkook didn’t reply and I sighed.

“I told her I wasn’t going to talk to her before I talked to you. I don’t… I don’t want to say anything to her that I haven’t already said before. But I still want to know your thoughts on all this. Your plans, that is. I take it you weren’t happy with her ending things.” I said stiltedly.

Jungkook didn’t reply for a few seconds.

“Things between us ended a long time ago, Leah. It was over when we both agreed to marry other people. Maybe even before that, I don’t know… I … I guess I just didn’t want to acknowledge them.” He said quietly. “ She’s different, now. Even that kiss felt so wrong. She’s moving on. I’m glad in a way. She deserves better than me. She deserves someone like hyung. He’s better than me in everyway and-”

God I wanted to strangle him.

“So why did you kiss her?” I snapped. “ If you’re so generously letting her go why would you…” I stopped.

“I didn’t kiss her. She kissed me. It was barely for a second.” He muttered. “ whoever it was must’ve been videoing us for a while.”

I had to remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, this little detail made no difference.

“Right.” I sighed. “ So, you won’t be home for a while?”

“Six weeks at least.” He said quietly.

I tried to keep the disappointment down. I still wanted to see him, just to make sure he was okay. But I knew that was just the pregnancy hormones talking.

“Okay.” I said simply.

“How are you? Did you go see the doctor?” He asked softly and the question surprised me. I was half sure he had forgotten.

“No, not yet. Maybe in a couple of days.” I scratched at a small stain on my skirt. Lime juice and baking soda, I thought absently. That should get the stain out.

“Its pretty late. You should go see the doctor, Leah. I.. I looked stuff up. They say you have to be on pre natal vitamins, folic acid and iron supplements and you have to have a balanced diet. I called Sana earlier and told her to speak to our doctor and get a diet chart for you. She said she’ll do it soon. So , please take care of yourself.”

Jungkook sounded entirely serious and as always my brain felt muddled, unable to process why he did the things he did. He had looked things up about the pregnancy and that implied some sort of interest, didn’t it? But ….. he had also kissed my sister so what was I supposed to do with this?

“I’ll call you.” I said shakily, drained. I was done for the day.

“Right.” He said softly. “ Namjoon hyung will be there tomorrow right? Should I talk to him? He could take you to the doctor.”

“No.. That’s fine. I’ll manage.” I said quickly.

“You’re sure?” There was genuine worry there.

“Yes.” I sighed.

“Alright.”

Silence again. I exhaled shakily.

“Should I hang up?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah. Good night. ” He breathed.

“Good night, Jungkook.”

Click.

I stared at the wall, gently lowering the phone and placing it on the bed next to me.

She deserves better than me, his voice echoed in my head.

Well, so did I.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Namjoon looked nothing like the twenty one year old college student I’d seen a decade ago. I knew he was a successful novelist and I’d read all his books. They were mostly philosophical or commentaries on life and emotions. I enjoyed the way he wrote : melancholic and deep but also clear and easy to understand. It was like staring at a particularly deep pool, being able to see all the way down to the bottom because of how clean the waters were. But once you put your feet in, the depth always surprised you.

“That’s a lot of books.” I laughed, gripping the edge of the door frame as I watched him stumble under the weight of a crate full of bound books. Namjoon’s messy brown hair peeked over the top, and when he adjusted the huge load to stare at me, I caught sight of his handsome face stretched in a dimpled grin, eyes glinting.

“Research.” He grunted, straightening himself up and I watched the flex of his muscles as he carefully moved to place the crate down in one corner of the large bedroom that I’d had cleaned for him. It was on the west wing of the house, parallel to my own bedroom that I shared with Jungkook . Namjoon had spent three years working as a professor somewhere in Indonesia. And I knew that he’d spent a year backpacking all over Scandinavia. I stared at his tall strapping figure, watching him set up his writing space carefully, sorting out boxes and electronics.

He had driven here in his Range Rover and I knew all his clothes were still there in the back of the car.

“Should I ask the footmen to get your clothes?” I asked and he glanced up at me, frowning.

“Footmen?” He looked confused and I rolled my eyes.

“Namjoon…” I said chidingly and he grinned again.

“I keep forgetting you’re filthy rich. Makes me wish I should have beaten Jungkook to the game and bagged myself a rich wife.” He winked. It was a joke but there was no mistaking the hint of interest in his eye. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part. Being married to Jungkook had definitely made me question the attraction I held for men so it felt good, having someone as handsome and whole and successful as Namjoon look at me like that.

“I’ll ask them to get your clothes. You should shower and settle in. We’ll meet for dinner tonight.” I said quickly and he nodded.

“You’re going to be okay heading back to your room? Let me know if you need help.” He pointed at my feet and I nodded. It was sweet of him to offer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner was surprisingly not awkward at all. Namjoon had a lot of interesting stories to share and I found myself clinging to ever word in rapt attention. He spoke about all the folklore he’d run into in different places, how he thought that no matter the culture, there were always some common things you could find in every one of them. He also talked a little about his next book, which he hadn’t named yet.

“It’s about second chances. Forgiving and moving on.” He said, taking another bite of his braised pork and moving to make another lettuce wrap.

“ Heavy stuff.” I said thoughtfully. “ Most of my writing is commercial. I just try to sell stuff to reluctant people. It’s not much but it keeps me occupied and it’s always nice to make money that you can call your own.”

“It’s because you don’t write for yourself. When you start writing for yourself, you can truly be who you are.” He said firmly and I nodded in agreement.

My writing in college had been vivid and bright and filled with life. But after the accident, it had turned grey and gloomy. The words seemed to drip with loss and longing and I didn’t enjoy it, because it was a reminder that I was no longer the vibrant, attractive fulsome girl I once was.

“Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of.” I smiled. “ Being who I am. I would rather pretend I’m at least a little alright.”

Namjoon stared at me, thoughtful.

“You used to run track.” He said softly and I grinned.

“You remember.” I said, pleased.

“Of course I do and you were captain of the volleyball team as well. You used to organize all those hikes and treks and stuff.”

“Yes I did. I loved the outdoors.” I stared out of the window.

“Loved? Past tense?” He tilted his head. I stared at him, shaking my head.

“What kind of question is that.” I shook my head. “ Look at me. I’m not trekking anytime soon, considering how the last time ended.”

“You can still go out.” He frowned. “ When was the last time you went somewhere?”

I shook my head.

“Oppa…”

“Listen. You know me. You’ve known me for more than a decade. Do you honestly think I’m going to let you rattle around this old house like a ghost when you should be out there taking in all the sunshine you can get?” Namjoon placed his chopsticks down and linked his fingers together, staring at me.

I stared at him, and it was definitely there. The concern, the affection. Not that different from when I was sixteen and struggling to understand what pathos meant.

But now there was a definite undercurrent of attraction. Back then it had been childish, the wild crush of a teenager on her hot tutor but now, now I knew that he was so much more than just a hot guy.

“I’m pregnant.” I said softly, more a reminder to myself than anything else.

Namjoon grinned.

“We’ll steer clear of horse riding and alcohol. Anything else you can just let me know.”

“Are you serious?”

“As a heart attack.”

“I think I’m getting one now.” I deadpanned.

“Because you’re nervous.” He grinned.

“Because your dimples look too adorable.” I retorted.

He laughed.

“I’ll talk to Jihyun and we’ll go see your doctor first. Then we’ll go out and have a nice picnic.”

“Namjoon, I can’t…”

“You don’t know that.” He said firmly.” You don’t know if you can or can’t because you’ve never tried. Listen I love picnics and I love going out and I want company. I’m agreeing to be stuck with you for a while and the least you can do is give me company at a picnic. You know how big a loser I’d seem like if I went by myself?”

It was like I was sixteen again getting brow beaten into things by a tutor who just hated the idea of not getting his way. I shook my head fondly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fourteen weeks. Three and a half months.

I stared at the ultrasound, feeling a multitude of things, not all of them good. The baby was growing well and I had all my prescriptions filled. Namjoon had offered to come with me but I had refused. It was too intimate and he was still a stranger. I did take a photo of the ultrasound and sent it to Jungkook.

/Jungkook called me back almost at once.

“You went to the doctor?” He asked, sounding a little breathless.

“Were you running?” I asked, surprised.

“Not really. I’m supposed to be meeting one of the vendors for lunch and I thought I could walk to the restaurant but its farther than I thought.” He huffed.

“Everything’s fine. Baby’s due in July.” I said quietly.

“Summer. That’s good.” He replied. “Right?”

I hesitated. What did that mean? What did it matter when the baby would be born?

“Because winter would mean it being too cold . Summer we can take the baby out and stuff without worrying too much.” Jungkook said softly.

Oh.

“How’s work?” I asked awkwardly. The non conversation was getting tedious. There was just so much to talk about and it was obvious that both of us weren’t in the mood to actually ask or answer anything worthwhile.

“Did dad say something?” Jungkook asked quickly and I frowned.

“No. Why?”

“He wants me to join hyung in the corporate office. Leave the smelter units.” Jungkook sounded subdued and upset and I felt sympathy well inside me.

“Join him? As what?” I asked quietly.

“Head of the marketing department. I’ll be reporting to Seokjin hyung.” Jungkook had clearly started walking again, breath coming in little exhales.

“You don’t want it?” I asked confused, not sure if this was a good or bad thing.

“I mean… I have a degree in Business and Finance. Hyung’s the CEO , I was hoping I’d be the CFO.” Jungkook sighed, “ But I suppose I should be grateful he didn’t disown me altogether after what happened earlier.”

I stayed quiet and so did he.

“We need to talk . When you get back. You … I know you don’t like sharing about what you feel but you owe me an explanation.” I said firmly.

“I know. But I meant what I said when I left. I’m going to be there for you and the baby. You’re still my wife. That’s not going to change.”

I ran my fingers over the ultrasound.

“Did you also mean the part where you said you can’t stand me.” I said bitterly .

Jungkook didn’t reply.

“I… You know I didn’t. That was just something I said on impulse. I’m sorry. You’re… You’ve been nothing but good to me. And honestly, just the fact that you’re carrying my child is proof that I can definitely stand you.” He sounded just a little hoarse.

I bit my lips, staring up at the door when I heard a knock.

“Leah? I’m going to have some tea in the garden … You wanna come with?” Namjoon’s voice rang through the room and I froze.

“Oh.. Oh.. yes. I’ll be down.” I said quickly, nodding . Namjoon pointed at the phone and gave to thumbs up before moving back out.

“Was that Namjoon hyung?” Jungkook’s voice came over the line.

“Oh… yeah. Yeah, he’s… he wants me to have tea with him in the gardens.” I said awkwardly.

“That’s nice. You should go. Get out of the house once in a while.” I didn’t know what to say to that so I stayed quiet.

After another minute or so of silence, Jungkook cleared his throat.

“ I got that form you sent in for me to fill, about my medical history. I’ll fill it up and mail it to the doctor’s office. Is that alright?” He asked hesitantly. “ If not I can fly back home. If they need me in person or something.”

I frowned a bit.

“They don’t need you in person, Jungkook of course not. Mail it, that’s fine.”

Another pause.

“This is really happening huh? A baby. We’re having a baby.” The exhaustion in his voice was palpable and I wondered.

“Yes. We are.” I said simply, not having anything else to elaborate on. It was happening. I was torn between pleasure at having something to look forward to and guilt at forcing Jungkook into a role he wasn’t ready for. But , for better or for worse we were married. The child was his. It would be a Jeon.

“ I’ll do better.” He said quietly. “ With the little one. I’ll be better.”

Tears these days, sprung up out of nowhere I thought miserably, furiously swiping at my face.

“Leah?” His voice came over the line. “ Leah are you there?”

“I need to go.”

“Alright.”

“Take care of yourself too, Jungkook.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loneliness .

It’s such an odd sort of feeling. Sometimes you get used to it so much, that you forget all about it.

It stays , a part of you that doesn’t make much of an impression on you until one day, suddenly it becomes unbearable,

Until you get a glimpse of what it’s like to not be lonely.

And then suddenly it’s like a deep chasm of longing and desperation just opens up inside you, craving love and warmth and company with a hunger that feels like it can never ever be satisfied.

I’d never paid much mind to the fact that my life revolved around myself, my writing and the flowers in the garden. Not until Namjoon had come, demanding to be felt and seen and heard .

Namjoon hadn’t joked about not letting me rattle around the house. Our days were spent sprawled on the lawns of the Jeon estate, each of us occupied with our own writing . Namjoon typed away on his laptop while I preferred my leather bound notebook. It was oddly soothing, lying there on the clean cut grass, the sharp blades rubbing against my bare legs, as I leaned back against a tree trunk, watching Namjoon’s furrowed brows as he wrote.

Namjoon had changed in a lot of ways and yet he was still somehow just as I remembered, focused and often lost in his own head. He was a contemplative man and seemed to spend as much time reading as he did writing.

“There’s a poetry club that meets every Tuesday in Gangnam. Would you like to come with me?” He asked casually, about a week after he’d moved in and I considered it. The paparazzi had finally stopped hanging about the estate and Jungkook had called the previous night with a ETA for when he would be back.

Four weeks at most, he had said firmly and I wasn’t sure if I was feeling all that excited for his return anymore. Days spent with Namjoon were more exciting. He included me in every little thing and I was addicted.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew this was probably wrong. Namjoon was sweet and kind but I was still married. But on the wake of that thought came the bitter reminder that there was nothing between Jungkook and I. He was in love with someone else. Why should I deny myself the joy of Namjoon’s company over a relationship that really wasn’t a relationship at all.

Namjoon treated me as an equal, teased and flirted like there was nothing wrong with the two of us living like this, together and away from the rest of the world and I liked it. It made me feel like perhaps happiness wasn’t such an abstract, unreachable thing after all. That perhaps I could find happiness like this. In friendship and mindless conversation with a man who didn’t see me as a burden.

“I’d love that.” I said with a smile, letting my fingers knit together with his.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Scorned wife getting even? We spotted the recently cheated on Mrs Jeon getting cozy with a strapping, buff hottie in a private restaurant last Friday and we can’t help but wonder if perhaps the reclusive lady is trying to get back at her husband by flashing her own boytoy.” Namjoon read cheerfully from his phone, looking way too entertained as he showed me the zoomed photo of us holding hands over the dinner table .

“That’s quite the description they’ve put for you.” I grimaced, sipping my chamomile tea slowly. My father and Mr. Jeon had reacted with their usual anger, threatening to sue the gossip rag for libel but it was pointless. They would keep being intrusive rats. There was nothing much to be done beyond enduring them.

“My agent’s losing his mind. He’s been at me trying to get me to agree to book signings and public appearances and he’s pissed that this is the way I get introduced to Seoul’s High society. Poor guy.” Namjoon chuckled and I felt guilt churn.

“I’m sorry, Namjoon. I really didn’t think they’d be following me. I mean… usually they’re only tailing Jungkook but I guess with the whole thing with Lisa , they’re just looking for ways to make things worse.” I said hesitantly.

Namjoon hesitated, staring at me for a few seconds.

“We never really talked about how things are.” He said quietly. “ Between you and Jungkook, that is.”

I ran the edge of my chopsticks on the brim of my soup bowl.

“ There’s not much to say. He’s…. He’s still sorting things out. With my sister.” I smiled a little. It ached a lot less, I realized with surprise.

“They loved each other deeply.” Namjoon said softly. “ that sort of thing doesn’t go away that quickly.”

I nodded.

“Of course. And I’ve been …understanding of that. I like to think.”

“But its unfair to you. You deserve to be loved too. Fully and well .”

I leaned back to stare at him.

“Are you offering?” I laughed, teasing.

Namjoon didn’t smile, leaning forward instead.

“Depends. Will you ever consider leaving him, for me?” He said seriously.

My heart turned over inside me.

“Namjoon…” I choked out and he reached out and lightly touched my palm.

“I know how marriages work with people like you, so I think I should draw boundaries now, if I want to keep myself safe.” He smiled a bit.

“I’m pregnant. With his child.” I swallowed and Namjoon’s brows went up.

“I thought it was your child. Yours and no one else’s.”

I felt torn, staring at him and wanting to say that I didn’t consider Jungkook as the child’s father, not in the way most people did. But I also remembered my husbands determined voice, the way he kept insisting that he wouldn’t neglect the child.

“Its not about Jungkook or the child, Leah. Its about you. You married Jungkook knowing he was in love with your sister and that tells me that you listen to your parents. You don’t want to stand up against the rules set by our parents and I don’t fault you for it. But I can’t let myself fall for you, knowing you’re going to be bound by your obligations to yurr family.”

I shook my head.

“Don’t fall in love with me.” I said easily. “ You’re right. My family comes first. And whether I want to be or not, I’m bound to Jungkook for life. So don’t fall in love with me.”

He smiled and nodded.

“Alright then.”

“Do you want to move out?” I asked bitterly and he looked genuinely surprised.

“What?”

“You clearly think I’m trying to seduce you or something when really, I-“

“Hey. Hey, Leah…no. No alright, that’s not what I meant. These two weeks, it was amazing. I love your mind and you’re easily one of my favorite people on this planet. We’re friends. And we’ll stay friends no matter what but you must know why I said what I said. You’re a beautiful woman and I’m a lonely guy.” He smiled a bit, “ I just don’t want to make it hard for myself when you want me to leave.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook arrived back in Korea on a cold, rainy morning and against my better judgment I let Jihyun and Lisa drag me to the airport. It was some kind of publicity stunt, that much I could fathom but I didn’t know if Jungkook was in on it. I hadn’t spoken to him in a few days, he had been busy wrapping things up with the new branch in Japan.

It was another bad day for my leg and I found myself leaning heavily on my sister, her arm wrapped around my waist as we walked over to the waiting area. I could already identify a few men with cameras staring at us discreetly. Paparazzi . I saw them move their cameras down to the now obvious curve of my stomach and I swallowed. I could already imagine the articles wondering who the father was : Jungkook or Namjoon.

“You alright?” My sister asked worriedly and I nodded, not looking at her. Lisa hadn’t been discouraged by initial refusal to speak to her, keeping at it till I finally caved and let her visit me at the estate. She didn’t love Jungkook anymore, she insisted . It was over. They were over . She wanted to give her marriage a chance. Very sweet and nice, that. And it was obvious that she wasn’t lying, what with the way she and her husband kept

Jihyun and Lisa had made amends with each other and it annoyed me that they seemed to be madly in love with each other all of a sudden. Like the past couple months hadn’t even happened. I stared down at my wedding ring feeling stricken. Was it unfair that I resented them for this? Why hadn’t the two of them thought of this, of breaking things off and moving on before the damn wedding. And then maybe Jungkook and I would have had a real marriage too.

Bitter and hormonal was definitely not a good combination I thought with a wince, fingers splaying on the curve of my lower belly. It was so odd, being pregnant. The extra weight somehow foreign but also …so soothing. The last scan had shown that I had an anterior placenta and that meant that I may not feel movements for a while. I didn’t mind, having found comfort in just tracing my palm over the bare skin of my stomach.

“There he is.” Jihyun’s voice made me look up and ure enough there he was.

It wasn’t the longest we’d been away from each other and yet, I felt my heart leap at the sight of him. He truly was a very handsome man, I thought miserably. And no matter what people said, it was infinitely more difficult to hate your husband when he looked that good.

Jungkook’s eyes caught mine first and I saw the way his gaze dipped straight to the curve of my bump. Even from the ten feet between us , I saw hi lips part in surprise , eyes going wide. It probably hadn’t felt real to him till now, I thought biting my lips as he carefully handed his bags over to the two chauffeurs who had rushed to help him.

Jihyun wasted no time in bounding over and hugging his little brother tight.

I glanced at the man who had been taking photos, pleased to see the surprise in his face. Was he hoping that the CEO would punch his little brother in the face ? Idiots. Lisa stayed by my side and I exhaled shakily.

“ Dad told me something and I want to know if its true.” I said quietly.

She didn’t reply.

I took a deep breath, still watching the two brothers embrace each other, Jungkook’s face buried in Jihyun’s shoulders. I could see him shaking just a little and I felt my gut clench.

“He told me that …that you never told him that you wanted to marry Jungkook. That when he suggested Jihyun you agreed at once.”

She looked away.

“Lets talk about this later.” She said quietly.

“Does Jungkook know?” I demanded. “ Because he spent that first month of our marriage cursing our father out for forcing you to marry Jihyun. Forcing. And dad says that he did no such thing. So what is the truth.”

Lisa didn’t respond.

“Jungkook knows.” She said finally, “ I told him… the truth. When we were in Japan.” and I laughed in disbelief.

“Was that before or after you kissed him?” I snapped and she looked genuinely pained.

“Leah, I never meant to hurt you or Jungkook.” She said shakily.

“My God.” I shook my head. “ I always knew you were a selfish, greedy person but I didn’t take you for being a liar and a deceitful coward. ”

She stared down at her feet.

“Yes. I’m greedy..” She whispered “ And you may not understand it now but I did it for you and for Jungkook.”

She moved away and I watched as Jihyun pulled away from Jungkook, still holding his arm as he held a hand out to Lisa. The smile on her face seemed genuine as she took her husband’s hand and I shifted my gaze to mine. Jihyun and Lisa walked away to their car and Jungkook stepped closer to me, his face stoic and impossible to read.

“Leah.” He said quietly, dark hair falling into even darker eyes.

I didn’t reply, merely stepping up to gently press my palms on either side of his face.

“Welcome back.” I said softly, before reaching up and kissing him full on the lips. Jungkook’s entire body went stiff as a board at the gesture but he didn’t pull away , thankfully. It felt cold and impersonal and barely lasted a few seconds but hopefully the man had gotten a few good shots. I closed my eyes for effect, running my thumb over the clean shaven curve of his jaw, before pulling away slowly.

I peered over Jungkook’s shoulder, just to make sure and sure enough, the man was moving closer to get better angles. I smiled a little. Good. That should hold these vultures off for a while. I turned back to Jungkook and his eyes followed my gaze catching sight of the man with the camera and his entire body seemed to go stiff with anger.

“Why did you do that?” He growled and I bit my lips.

“You know why.” I made to turn away but he gripped my arm, hard. So hard that I winced.

“What are you doing?” I asked panicking, glancing at the man who was still watching.

“Since when did you start pandering to those pigs?” He whispered angrily and I flinched.

“Your father wants to introduce you to the Board of directors this weekend.” I whispered quietly, “Most of them read the news Jungkook. The last news about us can’t be about you cheating on me.”

“That’s my business. And I’ll deal with it. We’re not doing this, Leah. I’m not putting on some kind of act just to please my fucking father.” He looked furious and the taut line of his jaw made me flinch.

“I’m sorry.” I said quickly, guilt churning inside me. He was right. I shouldn’t have done that without talking to him about it but I knew that the scandal with him and Lisa wouldn’t go down well with the Board. And the Board generally had a direct say on who got hired to top managerial positions.

“I just want you to get that job.” I said softly and he stared at me, stiff body relaxing marginally.

“Let’s just go home. Yeah?” Jungkook said tiredly and I bit my lips.

Less than fifteen minutes since he came home and we were already at odds with each other.

The most ill suited couple in the universe, I thought with a grimace as he stepped right next to me and wrapped a hand around my waist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a very terrible tendency to forget taking my pills. So I generally left them by the bedside table. Stepping out of the shower, I found Jungkook sitting on my side of the bed, examining the bottle carefully. I tugged on the white t shirt I had on, suddenly embarrassed because it was Jungkook’s

I’d asked to borrow a couple over the phone, simply because I no longer fit into my own and the ones I’d ordered weren’t here yet. Jungkook had agreed but still, it felt awkward when he was wearing the exact same t shirt himself.

He turned around when I moved to the vanity to put on moisturizer for the night and through the reflection I saw his gaze linger on my attire.

“Aspirin? Didn’t know that was part of pre natal vitamins?” He said seriously and I blinked., surprised. I turned around to stare at him, licking my lips nervously.

“How much research did you do?” I asked, genuinely curious and he flushed.

“I had a lot of free time. “ He said defensively. “ These six weeks.”

I frowned, before turning back to grab the small pot of night cream from the draw.

“My blood pressure is a little elevated. My mother had pre eclampsia with my sister and they just want to be careful.”

“Pre eclampsia?” Jungkook’s voice was fraught with nervousness and I turned back to see him almost white as a sheet.

“Jungkook…I.. its nothing serious.” I said hastily and his jaw went even more taut.

“What do you mean its not serious? Do you even know what it is?” He demanded.

“Do you?” I snapped back, annoyed at being treated like I was an errant child.

“I know that it’s the leading cause of maternal death during birth.” He all but shouted and I flinched.

“Okay…that’s only in extreme cases.” I held both my hands up. “ it’s a bit too premature to be panicking over that.”

Jungkook opened his mouth, as though to argue but then seemed to calm himself down.

“When’s your next check up?” He asked casually.

“This weekend. But its okay, Namjoon is-“

“I’ll come with you. I.. I want to come with you.” He said quietly.

I stared at him, feeling too awkward to outright refuse.

“You have the meeting with the Board. This weekend.” I said softly.

“So?” Jungkook shrugged. “ I’ll just tell them your appointment and health is more important to me. Besides isn’t that what you wanted? The reason you kissed me at the airport? You want the board to think we’re happily in love. I think that would be an excellent way to show them that. ”

Jungkook stared at me , head tilted curiously, daring me to deny what I had old him myself.

Sighing, I nodded.

“Alright.” I managed a weak smile. “ You can come with me.”

“Namjoon hyung left today, you said?” He asked casually.

I nodded.

“I should send him a bottle of his favorite wine for taking care of you so well. You look good.”

“He did it because he wanted to. Because he enjoyed it.” I retorted, his words rubbing me just a little wrong.

Jungkook smiled although it was more of a smirk.

“I’m sure he did. But I’m here now. And I did promise you that I’ll be there for you.”

“For the baby.” I said sharply, not liking the way he looked. The things he seemed to b implying.” You promised me you’d be there for the baby.”

“And right now, said baby is inside you.” He grinned now and I felt my pulse quicken at the sight. Jungkook didn’t smile with me. It wasn’t something that happened. At all. “ So I’ll have to take care of you.”

I stared at him, biting my lips.

“What are you doing?” I demanded. “My sister told you she never wanted you so now you want to start fucking me again?”

It was cruel. A terrible thing to say and I regretted it at once.

The smile faded.

“What?”

“ I…fuck Jungkook.” I groaned.

“is that what you think of me? Need I remind you that you were the one who came to me all those months ago? I never…. I would never force myself on you, Leah.” He looked like he’d been stabbed and I heart clenched.

“Jungkook , I…”

“I’ve been honest. Through all of this I’ve been honest to you. I lied to your sister, I lied to my father and fuck I even lied to myself. But I’ve been honest with you , Leah.”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better?!” I cried out, despairing. “ You were in love with my sister and –“

“And she wanted to marry my brother.” Jungkook yelled, standing up and turning to me, eyes blazing. “ All along. Know what she told me Leah? That it was never supposed to be me. That five years of us being together…it was because she was in love with my brother and she couldn’t bear the thought of being alone. She started dating me to make him jealous and when she saw that I spent so much time with Jihyun she stuck around . So she could spend time with him.” He shook his head.

I stared at him, horrified.

“Jungkook….”

“I thought I could never feel more pathetic than when I stood there listening her tel me how she never felt a single thing for me. But wow…. Thank you for proving me wrong. Because right now, standing here begging you to let me a part of the child we both made knowing you only see me as some kind of pervert just looking to get into your bed….” he shook his head,” I feel worse. I feel dirty.”

My throat went dry.

“You know what?” He moved to the closet and to my horror he grabbed a bunch of his clothes and a small suitcase. “ I’m going to go get a Hotel room.”

“What? No… Jungkook, wait!” I rushed to his side, grabbing his arm but he threw my hand off quickly.

“Ask Namjoon hyung to move back in. Better yet, tell dad the truth. That you think I’m disgusting. That the thought of me being in your life makes you sick. Tell him you want a divorce and-“

“It’s a girl.” I exhaled sharply.

Jungkook went completely still.

I swallowed, my heart racing so fast I couldn’t catch my breath.

I took a deep breath and moved to lightly touch his back, fingers splaying on the broad expanse of his shoulder blade .

He turned around at that and my heart lurched at the tear tracks down his cheeks. He looked wrecked.

“ A girl?” He whispered.

I bit my lips, nodding.

“We’re having a little girl.” He looked a little shell shocked.

“Yes. And hopefully, she isn’t as dramatic as her father.” I said softly, grabbing the dozen or so t shirts he’d pulled out of the closet and pushing them back into the shelves.

Jungkook didn’t protest, still staring into space, probably just taking the news in. I felt awful for one second because I hadn’t even cared all that much when the technician had told me.

I closed the closet door and moved back to the vanity trying to process all that had been said in the last five minutes, only to feel a headache come on. I would think about it tomorrow.

I finished braiding my hair when Jungkook’s voice came from the bed.

“If you don’t want me to intrude into your space you can tell me. I’m okay with only getting information about the baby.” He said quietly.

I stared at myself in the mirror.

I turned to him slowly. i took a deep breath, considered that what i was going to say would likely change everything between us. But i had to.

I’ve always been honest with you Leah, He had said and I decided that perhaps he deserved some honesty in return.

“I think I’m in love with Namjoon.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note : these two are such a mess istg.

ooh i don’t have a taglist for this so please comment if you wanna be on it.

#jungkook smut #jungkook fics #bts smut fics #bts smut #jungkook arranged marriage #bts arranged marriage au #bts fanfic #bts smut fic #bts fics

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kyberphilosopher · 3 years

Text

Smile

Word Count: 3467 Requested: yes. Based off ‘505′ Warnings: strong hints to sexual disposition. Spoilers if you squint.

“I’d probably still adore you with your hands around my neck... I did last time I checked.” -Arctic Monkeys, ‘505′.

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

With hoarse breath and unwavering eyes, you look up to the stars as you speak. “So, you’re really going to do it then?”

“I have to,” you hear him say. His voice has gotten far more mature and calm since the first time you’d heard him speak. Still angry and determined, but in an intelligent, adult way. Eren is a more capable person now. The only thing left to do is wait and see if that’s a good thing, or a bad thing.

“What do you think are the chances of winning?” you question. A shooting star whizzes across the sky at that very moment, and it’s gone before you can think of a wish.

You turn around to face him, but his eyes are already on you. Once upon a time, Eren’s eyes were emerald and teal and deep. Now they’re paler. They are cold and steady as a byproduct of who he’s become. It’s hard not to wonder what he’s thinking about when he looks at you like this, especially since he’s become harder to read over the years.

At first, Eren was one of the most insufferable people you’d ever met. He acted out so often, it was hard to see him as another person of intelligent life. You mostly just minded your business through your cadet years, usually hanging around Reiner, who was also difficult to see as intelligent life. Sometimes you and Eren would argue, but it was never passionate. You just had different world views.

Things got better when you found out what Eren really was. Since you hadn’t made top ten, you could only choose between the Garrison Regiment, or the Scout Regiment. And with Eren’s newly discovered power showing the promise of hope, you decided on the Scouts. He liked that.

After that, it was hard not to mature at the same time as he. Eren often blamed himself for the death and carnage that surrounded the regiment. You were solely responsible for the passing of your best friend. And after everything that happened with the government, almost dying at Shiganshina- you knew you couldn’t stand this much longer. With your relationship with Eren still budding in its early and steamy stages, he was the only one you told of your desertion. You abandoned the corps, finding a small, abandoned farm within wall Maria to hide out in.

Eren was too tired and sick of everything to think you were being cowardly. He wanted to leave too. Maybe come with you. But Eren had plans in the works that he couldn’t leave alone. He visited you less and less. Luckily you never made a fuss.

And now Eren wants to end the world, to save the world. How does he expect you to react to this?

“I just thought I should see you,” Eren replies. You know he’s deflecting your question. You’re not stupid.

You nod slowly, blinking as you think. “Am I going to die?”

Your companion crosses his arms calmly. “Yes,” he tells you.

There it is.

“You know I can’t support you in this, right?” you tell Eren, equally as calm.

He only replies after a moment, also in deep thought. “I know.”

You look back up to the sky, sighing out through your nose. “Why did you come, Eren? Did you want me to tell you that I think you’re doing the right thing? Or was it because you need to let out some anger? I wonder.”

“I did want to see you.”

“Do you still?”

Silence.

“Yes.”

“And I suppose there’s nothing I can do to change your mind?”

“No.”

The stars are glittering with pastel hues, like a rainbow, or kaleidoscope. Each one is a different size, bordering on different shapes, all fusing and melting together like your idea of heaven. You can barely even see the midnight color of the sky through all them. It is beautiful, but it’s also bitter. Everything is bitter, here.

“I didn’t make myself any dinner yet,” you say. “Couldn’t think of anything.”

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

When she was alive, Eren’s mother would make a soup for the family. It was creamy, hot, filled with meat and cheese at the bottom. Eren never liked soup, but he did love that dish. She was always sure to make extra for him, so that he could enjoy it for several days. And although it wasn’t until after she was gone that Eren realized he rarely ever thanked her for it, it was still one of the warmest memories Eren had.

He fills your wooden bowl with it, being awfully generous. He knows that even though you haven’t eaten much in the last few years, you too had grown fond of the soup. He knows no matter how slowly you force it down, you are enjoying it. It burns the roof of your mouth every time, but you’ve never cared. All that matters is the creamy sauce, and the cow cooked to perfection.

You stare at the fireplace beside you, flames cackling and licking upward. Eren sets the bowl in front of you, and takes the seat on the other side. You know he sets his long hair behind his shoulders. You’re already prepared. From your pocket, you produce a stretchy brown hair tie on the verge of snapping, handing it to him.

“Thanks,” he says, even though this routine has happened however many times he’s seen you.

“You’re welcome.”

The soup is as amazing as usual. You’re willing to bet Eren makes it even better than his mother did, but you dare not say it aloud. It’s creamy, perfectly seasoned. It goes down your throat, still steaming.

“Does Mikasa know about this?” you question, taking one more delicious bite.

“No. None of them do,” Eren answers. “Armin will figure it out soon.”

“You want me to kill ‘em?”

Eren shakes his head. To a lot of people, this would be taken as a joke. But this is nowhere near it. Your tone is too casual, too low for it to be humor of any kind. And the way the man across from you reacts- he’s thinking the same thing.

“No.”

“How are they, then?”

Eren thinks as he takes another bite, the warmth creeping up his chest sweetly. “They’re alright for now. I don’t know for how much longer. I can’t see everything.”

“Can you see who’s next?”

He squints at his bowl as if he were angry, but his eyebrows barely move. “Sasha.”

Sasha. She was always a good presence to have around. While she seemed like the type of person who would annoy you, it was hard to hate her. And you admired her keen intuition anyway.

“Will you give her something for me?”

Eren nods. Then you both go back to eating for a few seconds, basking in the orange glow from the flames.

“How are things here?” he questions after a minute.

“The same,” you tell him. “I think the cow might die soon.”

Some people might reply with condolences, or sympathy. But your lover does not, and you do not expect him to. “I’ll get you a new one,” he says flatly, almost like a promise. You nod once.

Despite the atmosphere which can only be described as bitter, you’re glad to see Eren again. You’re glad that he’s alive, and as alright as he can be. The bed is always colder without him, heated up only by your lingering fingers that you pretend are his every other night. Whenever he leaves an article of clothing behind, usually on purpose, you hold off on washing it so it can smell like him for you as long as possible. Then there are the hair ties you keep either in your pocket or on your wrist, specifically for him. The razors in your cabinet he often didn’t even bother using.

Even with the sullen demeanor that had managed to overtake both of you, there was at least one thing you cared about in the world still. Maybe it wasn’t the most conventional kind of caring, or the healthiest coping mechanism. But it was still caring. And all that you cared about was him.

You knew you weren’t Eren’s first priority. You were probably second, or third. It didn’t bother you. Eren’s head was one of the first things lost when the truth was presented to him. It came back coldly and sternly, in contrast to how previously hot and impatient it had been. But by then your head had also grown colder and sterner. In simpler terms, Eren did care for you. He did love you. But he would consider letting you die if it meant achieving what he set out to do, and you knew this.

Across the table, Eren lifts his head to look up at you as he chews slowly. The burning meal slides down his throat easily, albeit painfully. It doesn’t even register with him, his piercing eyes slowly gaining a glint from the fire light.

You meet his eyes after a few seconds, feeling them on you. You don’t say a word, don’t even give a questioning look. You just hold him patiently, which is something the two of you find yourself doing often.

“You can’t stop it,” Eren speaks, looking you dead in the eyes with a steady gaze. There is love behind his eyes, far behind the anger, but you can tell from the tone of voice he is trying to tell you something as if it were an order. Your lips part slightly from the intensity radiating from your lover, who doesn’t move a muscle. “You’ll be free soon.”

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

Dinner ends. Eren helps clean up the dishes for you and goes to get water from your well so you can clean easier. You already know from the way his thumb brushed against your own when you took the bowls that you’ll likely be bent over the sink in a few minutes, which you don’t mind, but you wonder if he’ll be willing to be softer than usual as an apology for what he’d said earlier.

He’d meant to scare you. You’re intelligent enough to figure that out. Even though you don’t scare easy, and you didn’t even give an extreme reaction, the look in Eren’s eyes had made your heart drop to your stomach. Sometimes you forget that Eren sees everything. Then he says something like that to remind you in the most memorable way.

The wooden door opens and closes behind you. Boots scuff the ground for a few seconds, drawing closer and closer as something in you sparks with anticipation, as it always does. A pail of water hits the surface beside you, partially sloshing over the sides, shining silver in the moonlight from the tall window in front of you. Finally, ultra hot hands slide around your waist and push gently but tightly against where your ribs diverge.

A jaw leans down on your right shoulder, chin poking against your collarbone. Locks of hair brush against your own, just as the hand on the left runs across your side to finally put a small band in your pocket.

“I did miss you,” Eren’s low voice seemingly growls, his chest rumbling softly against your back.

“I was thinking about you,” you admit with monotone, knowing your lover can read through it like as easily as a knife slices through skin.

“I hope I didn’t worry you,” he says, though you can also read through his own tone. He probably didn’t care about worrying you. He definitely doesn’t still.

“You didn’t.”

You place a both bowls in the sink, running your fingers over the dirty spoons. Eren’s orbs follow your movement. You can feel his chin change positions ever so slightly in the coming seconds.

“Can you pass me the rag?” you ask, eyes focused on a piece of food on the spoon that doesn’t even exist.

In response, Eren doesn’t pass you anything. Only his right hand gives you any kind of acknowledgement, passing from on your ribs to down lower. His fingertips skin over the erogenous zone under the waistband of your undergarments.

“I worried about you,” Eren murmurs boldly. The hot fingertips pass under the cloth finally, pricks of stubble on his jaw scratching your neck and shoulder as he shifts. “I wanted you to be okay.” His left hand raises to grasp the breast above it. Slowly at first, then firmly, like a warning. Everything is a warning with him.

Your head lulls back uncontrollably. The back of your hair matts up as it rolls against his own shoulder.

“I said you worried me,” your partner grumbles. “Did you hear me?”

“No,” you lie lowly, refusing to let your voice shake despite the shiver in your throat.

“Mm,” Eren hums in condescending understanding. A force presses against your core, which has turned burning hot and ice cold at the same time. The force pulls away, a string of something smooth and slimy following it that makes a sound draw from your lips. It’s high pitched, weak, and unstoppable. You’d be embarrassed if you weren’t so associated with Eren.

His hand gives your breast a firm squeeze, soreness blossoming from the center. Your back arches quickly and returns lax against him, though now something pokes against your bottom that makes your eyes pop open with a new alertness. Eren’s hand gives you no time again. From your chest, it flies to your throat, holding it back with soft strictness as the other finally dips into the hot pool between your hips.

“I worried about you.”

A strangled groan releases from between your lips again, this time fully carried up through the air. To Eren, it must sound like nothing more than music, or background noise.

Thick cylinders pump inside you to the knuckle. They feel better than your own. They always have.

It feels good. Full. Tight and fast and like the inside of you is quivering under the weight of something that you can’t see or hear. Eren is like a blanket supporting you from falling over, keeping you upright with his grip and his fingers buried inside of you. Prodding every angle, every spot. Not necessarily romantically, but still lovingly. He has always had this goal during intimacy. Nothing matters but communicating to you just how close he wants to be.

“Eren,” you choke, a dribble of spit sliding from the corner of your lips.

“Again,” he hisses in response. His fingers hit a tight spot, making every muscle in your body clench at the same time.

You don’t say another word, your mouth hanging partially open as you focus on everything around you. And it’s all Eren Jaeger. His smell, his growls, his voice, his breathing, his chest, his muscles, his hair, his anger, his bitterness, his intelligence, his determination. It’s overwhelming. It reminds you of getting swept in one of those waves at the ocean he described to you. He’s yours. No- more likely, you’re his. End of story.

“I said again.”

“Eren,” you moan.

His head nuzzles into your neck comfortingly, his fingers pushing faster and harder. You can feel how warm you are, never mind how slick. And the way your own body holds around his digits every time he pulls away is enough to make you all the more warm and slick.

But then...

What is he doing?

He had said “you’ll be free soon”. And yet, here he is, gripping you tightly as he forces you into the corner of submitting. And yes, it is hot. It arouses you as it always has. But something about it makes your stomach turn into a knot of unpleasantness, in contrast to the other one of liquid pleasure.

“Eren,” you strain, squirming against him.

Eren speeds up again. A grunt falls from his own mouth from his own power, and you know he’s getting off almost as much as you are. It doesn’t stop feeling good. Feeling euphoric.

It’s getting rougher. Rougher and harder and faster, more intense.

“Eren.”

Another gruff moan from him.

“Eren! Stop! Stop!”

Eren’s palm softens away at once. It lifts away, his eyes opening and his hand stilling inside of you. He watches you shake as you gaze up to the ceiling, wide eyed. Your thighs sputter, entire body twitching. You didn’t cum.

His eyes trail over you. You’ve worked up a steady sweat glistening and glowing, shivering and shaking and quaking because of him in the best way. You’re his. His partner, his friend, his ally he knows for a fact he can rely on.

“C-can we... Eren...”

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

Drips of water dribbling down Eren’s temple. One of your hands are threaded in his brunette locks, holding them back so you can have an uninterrupted view. The other hand is dabbing cloth against his forehead and hairline, bathing him softly.

He’d gone a while without bathing again. You could tell. Eren’s eyes are glued to yours, deep teal memorizing all the flecks in your own as if he hadn’t a million times over.

Eren loves you. Dearly. He’d travel all seven hours and forty five minutes just to tell you that. He doesn’t know what made you stop earlier. He doesn’t ask. But he’s not mad. Overall, Eren understands that it doesn’t matter what you asked to stop for. You give the word, he obeys. Not because he has to, but because he loves you.

Still, he knows something is wrong. You don’t show it. You’re steady, calm, mature, apathetic as always. But in the pit of Eren’s stomach, something brews. A warm, strange feeling of intuition and omniscience.

“You look very pretty today,” Eren ventures, wondering only of your response. “Did I tell you that?”

Your eyes squint. “Thank you,” you reply back.

The cloth continues to rub against his skin, cleaning something that probably doesn’t even exist. Dirt, maybe. Eren’s stopped taking care of his skin in the past few years.

“You’re welcome.”

Your eyes squint again. This time, they gloss over with sharp wetness like glass. The eyebrows crease like a break, your bottom lip trembling as you suck it between your teeth.

He doesn’t know what he was expecting. But your lover wasn’t expecting this.

Eren hates when you cry. He can remember the first time he’d seen it, but not the most recent. You didn’t cry often- you were strong. Crying over something as useless and flimsy as emotions didn’t seem worth it. So what was this for? What were you about to make Eren break down inside over?

Your hand falls limply from his forehead. Shoulders hunch over in defeat, staring down at the floor as your hair covers over your face. And then the sniffles come, choked out coughs like sobs.

Eren can see the lightest of bruises he’d left on you from earlier, but you’d never had a problem with it before. No, it was something else. But what?

Silent, your teeth grit together as you wince, tears streaming down your face inexplicably.

“Earlier w-when you,” you gulp, snot beginning to form, “when you- I did worry a-about you. I- I don’t know why I didn’t...”

You stumble forward. Eren stands from your bath tub to catch you as you slump against him tiredly.

“I hate it when you go.”

Eren switches positions with you, pushing you down to sit on the edge of the tub. He takes the wet rag from your hand and holds your shoulder back so he can have a good look at you. Then the cloth dabs against your own forehead, just as you had done to him.

“I hate it here,” you sigh, a single tear drop blurring your vision as it falls finally.

Your lover moves the cloth from your head to your cheeks, smearing the wetness into your skin and away. They moisten and dry, your eyes red and shiny. Eren tilts your head up under your jaw, creasing his brows and using the towel to clean closer to your eyes.

“If it helps,” he says, looking straight into your eyes, “you’re crying, but I still think you look pretty.”

You’d be lying if you said that didn’t help even a little, because you love him.

A soft smile creeps to your lips, your hands dropping in between your thighs.

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

No I didn’t reread this lmfao enjoy. Hope I did you justice anon

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