𝐇𝐞 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐌𝐞? 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐌𝐞 𝐍𝐨𝐭? 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐌𝐞?
— Ram (RRR) x Female Reader
ꜱʏɴᴏᴘꜱɪꜱ : Your husband doesn't love you or does he? (I suck at writing synopsis 🥲)
ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢꜱ : Simp Ram, drunk Ram, make out in the end, kissing, neck kisses, 2.3k words.
ɴᴏᴛᴇ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʟᴏᴛᴜꜱ : I know the title doesn't match the fic that much but I can't think of anything. I originally never planned on writing anything about Ram but this one is for @afortoru . I'm soooooooo sorry mamma for the long wait. Hope you like it. Enjoy ♡
𝐍𝐀𝐕𝐈𝐆𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 // 𝐑𝐑𝐑 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓
'I've fixed your marriage with Alluri Sitarama Raju, a junior of mine. The marriage will take place after a month. I hope you have no problem with it."
Those were the words your father told about a month ago and in an blink of an eye you were now married to a man who you have never seen before, talked to or heard of before. You had dreams, marrying someone who would love you dearly. After all Shri Hari would never choose the wrong person for you.
But Ram? He was not one of those husbands who ordered their wife around, use them for their own pleasure and even beat their wives. But the problem is he is too distant. In the past week of marriage with him, you barely saw him home. Always leaving before you wake up and coming home after you had gone to sleep. You felt like you were living alone.
You sighed as teared your eyes from the book on your lap and looked at the clock. It was already past midnight and Ram still wasn't home but today you will not sleep till he comes back home. You were determined to talk about his distance and hopefully come to a middle ground.
The clock hit one as a chain of fading sound unstable footsteps became clear. It was coming from the front door and your suspension was proven right when a thud sound, like something heavy hitting the door, came from the front door.
You got up from the the couch and walked up to the door, leaving your book resting on the low table. You unlocked the opened it only enough to peek outside. A uncontrollable gasp left you when you saw Ram, your husband, leaning his body on a pillar of the porch. His hand clutching his head and his body on the verge on fainting.
"Ram?" You swung the door open and rushed to help him lean on you.
Wrapping an arm around his waist you stumbled to living room and made him lie on the couch, wondering to yourself what on earth happened to him. Ram lied on there groaning in pain.
You quickly gathered a bowl of water, cleath clothes and the first-aid kit and yourself sat on the couch by his waist. You stared at him, in concern and in hasistation. Concern because there were small bruises, cuts and even little splatter of blood all over his body and clothes. And Hasistate because to mend his would you would have to take of his shirt and that felt too intimate.
Ahhh. Whatever! I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just trying to help him and he is my husband not other man.
You thought to yourself before your trembling hand reached out to the top button of his uniform. Just as your were about to open it a hand shot out to stop yours, making you startled back.
"What do you think you are doing?" He murmured as his honey eyes stared at your, unsteady and barely kept open, "Do you know that I'm a married man?"
Is he drunk?
"Well Mr. Ram I have to take your shirt to mend your wounds." You say sarcastically, hoping that he would let you do so without any more trouble.
"Wounds?" He asked and you nodded back. He stared you for a few minutes before releasing your hand, "Okay. Only for that okay? Don't try anything funny. I can fight."
You mumble a quiet 'okay' and undo his shirt. Just as you had assumed there were tiny scratches all over his torso. You dipped the clean cloth in the water and began to clean him up, starting from his face.
"Do you know how pretty my wife is?" Ram said, breaking the silence in the room. You fought to keep your cheeks from heating up. He definitely is drunk.
"How beautiful?" You whispered, sound refusing to come out.
"How beautiful?" He smiled like a idiot, eyes averting to the ceiling, "She is like Goddess Lakshmi on earth. Her eyes, face, hair is like jewels and laugh is like Goddess Saraswati's vina's melody. The food she cooks is like Amrit."
If you were not blushing before, you surely are now. So he did eat the food you always left on table for him. You could have even imagined that Ram thinks of you like that. A greedy hope bubbled up in your heart.
"You are saying all that but you toh never even look her way." You say as you drop the now dirty cloth in the bowl and pick up the ointment tube. You wanted to know he actually felt about you. If he did like you then why was he so distant.
Ram released a tired sigh at your words, "Trust me when I say I don't like this either. Her father is F/N L/N, a trustee of the British. He suddenly married her of to a lowly Indian like me who is fighting for his people and that's suspicious. I don't know if I can trust her or not. If she finds out........."
Ram trailed off, not finishing the sentence. Your face frowned in confusion. What was he talking about?
"What are you talking about?"
Ram looked at you, feeling sceptical. Should he tell this stranger about that? Well she was taking care of him, so she definitely doesn't mean harm. Ram beckoned you to lean closer and you did.
"I............ I.......... I—" Ram starts but before he could say anything he was already knocked out dead. You sigh in frustration. Today you had a chance to get to know him and seems like not even Hari is on you side.
You applied ointment on the last visible would and put the tube back in the box. You bandaged up where needed and collected the dirty things to wash them. As you picked up the discarded shirt, a piece of paper fell of from it's pocket. You lift the paper and read the content written on it.
It was a letter from some Vasu. It asked about the plan where Ram was supposed to steal information of British's arm force and pass it to him and how much people back home miss him. So this is what Ram was talking about. He's not working for British Raj but against them.
You looked at now sound asleep Ram thinking to yourself — "Dumbo, If you had any doubts, you could have just asked me."
Chuckling to yourself, you kept the letter safe in a drawer and started cleaning the dirty clothes. Whatever has happened you could not let Ram get in trouble. The night passed with Ram being unaware of the rest of the world and you not being able to sleep because now that you knew his dilemma, you would do anything to work this marriage out.
The next morning clock hit 9 in the morning as the beautiful singing of birds woke Ram up. He blinked his eyes to cleanr out the fogginess as the ceiling of his living room came in his view. Confused Ram sat up on the couch before all the events of previous night hit him all at once.
His eyes widened as he remembered his father in law inviting him to drink with him and some of his friends. Ram had a few glasses before disappearing in the building. He was going to steal the arm force information and he was so close but someone walked in on him. Sadly Ram had to run away with any useful clue. Ram remembers how while climbing over a wall he fell and got injured after that he doesn't remember anything.
A pounding ache in his head brought Ram to present. Clutching his head Ram looked down at his shirtless, mended self. Panick filled his mind as he stumbled to find his shirt, he can't let anyone find the letter, specially not you. He looked under the pillows, the table.
As he leaned down to see under couch, you voice called back, "Looking for this?"
His back visibility tensed as he snapped his head towards you to see you leaning against the railing at the bottom of the stairs, holding out the letter for him to see. Ram's expression morphed into a 'oh no'. He looked like a deer in headlights. You fake coughed to hide the laugh threatening to break out.
"Y-Y/N? Where di-did you get that from?" Ram stuttered, heartbeat going on with the speed of a jet.
"O this?" You feigned a innocent look, "This fell out of your shirt when I took it to wash."
"Did you read a-anything?"
"Every single word."
"Y/N give it back to me." Ram stretched out his head to you.
"Here, take it." Relief washed over Ram as he was about to take the letter, you quickly swapped it out of his reach, "But I don't want to."
"Y/N, stop playing. That letter is really important."
"You want it?" Ram eagerly nodded at your words. "Then come and take it."
You said before sprinting up the stairs. Ram shouted at you to stop but when you didn't he ran after you. You could his footsteps coming closer and closer. A laugh erupted from your heart, you don't remember feeling this happy for god knows how long.
You threw open the door of the room at the very back, your be— no, both of your bedroom.
"Where will you go now?"
You turned to see Ram leaning both his hand on either side of the door, panting like crazy. Ram looked at you like predator looking at a prey a he marched towards you. Now your heart beating like a drum that feared he would be able to hear it from there. You took one step back with advancing ones.
Before you know, the back of your leg hit the bed and you were falling back on it, pulling Ram down in the process. He fell right on top of you, his hand resting by your sides to not crush you. Yout eyes locked. His chest was pressed against your heaving ones.
"Ram." You wishper his name. As he hummed, lost in the moment, you continued, "Do you not like me?"
This snapped Ram out of the dazed state, "W-Where di-d that came from? W-what? Wai-wait."
As he tried to get off of you, you quickly wrapped your arms around his neck pulling back to you, "We are not moving till I have all the answers to my questions. So, Do you not like mea?"
"No." His answer was short and shallow.
"Then why do threat me like I'm invisible to you? I'm your wife Ram but I barely get to even see you."
"Y/N, it's not like that." Ram stared at you, debating with himself if he should tell you or not. At last Ram sighed, "Promise me you will keep this a secret."
"I promise."
With your promising words Ram explained to you everything. Who he actually was, his reason to work under British government and why he was so hasitente with you.
"Can't believe I made you believe that don't like you." Ram almost whined.
"Who said that?"
"What do you mean?" He frowned in confusion.
"Well My dear Patidev, Yesterday night you said some things that proved that you anything but not like me."
"What did I say?" His expression morphed into a horrified one.
"Is that really important right now?" You pulled him closer to you.
He was so close to you that you could feel his heartbeat. Only fabric of your saree and blouse separating you two. His warm exhale brushing over your face. His one arm rested on the bed while the other one traveled to cup your face.
Ram leaned in slowly before capturing your lips in his own. All the desperation of the past week pouring into that kiss. His hand left your face and glided down before resting on your bare waist as yours locked in his hair.
If not for the need of breathing Ram would have liked to kiss you all day and night long. Breaking the kiss he drifted down your neck, placing trails of wet kisses and marking it red and purple. You turned your head to the side, giving him more space to mark his territory.
That day you finally closed the distance between you two, your souls and your hearts.
© 𝐋𝐎𝐓𝐔𝐒-𝐍-𝐋𝟎𝐕𝐄 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟑, 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒 𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐕𝐄𝐃 — all content rights belongs to LOTUS-N-L0VE. do not plagiarize any works and do not repost or translate onto any other sites.
All the rights and credits of the characters, gifs, songs and pictures used here belongs to their rightful owners. If you want be added on any my taglist then you can do that here. The ask box is open so if want me to write something then you can request there.
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I got you!
RamBheem drabble. No warnings.
Ram gets Bheem ready for the party and teaches him how to dance :)
Bheem knew the clothes were expensive. And were supposed to be stylish, rather classy. But they felt so foreign, so alien that he couldn’t stop pulling and tugging at them.
‘Anna - why are these pants so tight? And these strings too? I don’t have to pull something with my back using these, so what’s the point of it?’
Bheem fiddled with the suspenders over his shirt, trying to loosen them.
‘Bheem - if you want to go to the party and not stick out, you have to wear these. I don’t like them too much either but after a bit you will get used to it. Just stop pulling everything now - you will ruin the creases.’
Ram slapped Bheem’s hands away from the clothes. Bheem huffed, but obliged.
As Ram helped groom Bheem’s hair and beard, the befuddled man threw a barrage of questions at him.
‘Anna - what will do at the party though? We don’t know anyone there.’
Ram didn’t bother to correct him that he would know quite a few people there, especially some officers. It’s a different thing he would rather puke than spend an afternoon in their company.
‘Why do you need to know everyone? Just stay with her; that’s why you are going, right?’
Bheem gave a solemn ‘hmm,’ which Ram couldn’t grasp the full meaning of, so he wrote it off as nervousness.
‘Don’t worry, it will be fine. She seems like a nice person. And she seems fond of you.’
This time Bheem smiled, and Ram smiled back.
Bheem couldn’t deny that she was nice. He knew it in his heart the moment he laid eyes on her. She had no reason to save Jangu the way she did, other than kindness.
And well, she was pretty. So pretty. Bheem wasn’t blind to that. But he had no idea how to speak to her or handle himself around her. And how to breach the topic of going inside the palace.
He voiced part of his concerns out loud. Ram held his shoulders fondly.
‘Oh my sweet friend - you are so oblivious to your charm. Trust me, you have nothing to worry about. Anyone with a good heart can see the goodness in yours. And anyone with well-functioning eyes won’t be able to resist this handsome face and breathtaking smile.’
Bheem blushed wildly. Pushing at Ram’s chest in protest, accusing him of lying. They jostled weakly, all in jest.
‘Ok, some important things. There maybe some mean people there who may say some mean things. Ignore them, they are pathetic insects. Also, you may not like most of the food there but some things are nice. The desserts especially - I have a feeling you will love them. I have never seen you not drool over anything with sugar in it. Stay by my side when we get to the food section, I will tell you what all to try.’
Bheem’s mood became markedly better. He held on to Ram’s arm.
‘Can’t wait to try them all. AND I am not leaving your side Anna, not for a second. You stay with me at all times, please.’
Ram smiled at him fondly, with a hint of suggestion in it.
‘Well, I can’t stay with you at all times, right? It kind of defeats the purpose of why you are going.’
‘But why? The three of us can be together too. Promise me you won’t leave.’
Ram crossed two fingers behind his back before lying to his innocent friend.
‘Ok I promise. Happy now?’
Bheem beamed at him in response.
‘Now, the most important thing. There is going to be dancing there. Not our kind of dance but a foreign dance. Do you want to learn a few steps, just in case it comes to that?’
Bheem nodded approvingly, admiring how worldly-wise his cherished friend was.
Ram led Bheem to the centre of the room, to a small space on the floor not covered with books.
It felt a bit awkward but it needed to be done. So, Ram stood toe to toe with Bheem, taking the younger man by surprise. He kept Bheem’s hand on his own waist, taking him by even more surprise.
‘What kind of a dance is this, Anna?’
Bheem looked quizzically at Ram.
‘It is strange, yes. But that’s how it is. Now, hold my other hand to the side, like this.’
Bheem did as instructed, still a bit conscious of the position.
‘Good. Now - how close you stand to your partner depends on how….umm…close you are in real life. I would recommend you stand at least this much apart, and leave the rest to her.’
Bheem nodded, suddenly conscious for a different reason now. The blush around his ears was coming back.
Ram started moving his feet and Bheem followed effortlessly. Ram looked at him with pride - the man really was a natural.
Just the next second, Bheem stepped on Ram’s toe and Ram yelled for dear life.
‘Annaaaaaa - I am so so sorry. Damnit I am so clumsy. Sorry - did I hurt you bad?’
Ram chose not to state how he was feeling - as if a bull had stomped on his foot. But he smiled bravely.
‘It’s a tiny scrape, I am fine now. It was my fault actually - both of us were trying to lead so we collided. Plus, I am a little rusty. Don’t worry, she will be a better partner because she would be a pro at this. She will take care of you.’
Bheem was sufficiently reassured.
‘So, I wasn’t too bad then? I won’t make a fool of myself? I don’t want to embarrass myself, Anna. Or embarrass you, since I am dragging you along.’
‘Shush. Stop thinking such things. She will be so happy to see you all dressed up like this that she will forget about everything else. I bet she will come straight to you when she sees you, leaving behind all the other proficient partners.’
‘Oh Anna - you flatter me too much. Why are you so sweet to me? Why do you do all this for me?’
Because you are the best and the purest thing that has happened to me in years, said Ram inwardly.
‘Because you are my brother. And that’s what brothers do for each other, my dear.’
Bheem crushed him with a hug, but it felt like the gentlest of feathery blankets wrapped around him.
‘Ok ok. We must hurry now. We are late - the party has already started. All the food is waiting for you. And most importantly, she would be waiting for you with bated breath.’
Bheem let go of him then. Ram took one last look at his friend, applying final touches to his hair.
‘Ready?’
Bheem nodded in excitement; he was looking forward to this now.
‘Ready, Anna. With you by my side, I can do anything. I know you won’t let any harm come to me.’
Ram pretended to smile, hiding how his throat choked at Bheem’s unfiltered display of trust and love. And the two men left for the party.
.......................................................
That was written in one hour - coz the scene was stuck in my mind since morning. Hope you liked it :)
@irisesforyoureyes @rambheem-is-real @thewinchestergirl1208 @eremin0109 @eenadu-varthalu @rorapostsbl @yehsahihai @budugu @maraudersbitchesassemble @justmeand-myinsight @rambheemisgoated @rosayounan @jrntrtitties @obsessedtoafault @rambheemlove @jjwolfesworld @alikokinav @iam-siriuslysher-lokid @bromance-minus-the-b @dumdaradumdaradum @lovingperfectionwonderland @annieginny @chaanv @ssabriel @milla984 @kaagazkefool @boochhaan @mesimpleone @filesbeorganized @ladydarkey @teddybat24 @stanleykubricks @burningsheepcrown @veteran-fanperson @ronika-writes-stuff @beingmes-blog @yonderghostshistories @nisreenart @chaidrivenwhore @bheemaxrama @carminavulcana @umbrulla @mizutaama @rosefulmadness @gifseafins @fangirlshrewt97 @astrafangs @voidsteffy @sada-siva-sanyaasi
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A Love Eternal / Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna
Chapter 10 is here.
You have seen the sugary sweet love of BheemJenny so far. But what happens when the reality of life, their fears, their insecurities, and the clash of their worlds catch up with them? Is their love strong enough to tide them over that? That's what this chapter is about.
No warnings.
The mood board below is from the amazing @meastradeur - can't thank you enough for this gorgeous piece :))
.............................................
Chapter 10
(Links to Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5, Ch 6, Ch 7, Ch 8, Ch 9, Ch 11)
Sunset and riverside - a classic combo for Bheem. His happy place. Which had fast become their happy place. They were sitting on the edge, feet submerged in the gurgling water, as they watched the dipping sunlight dance along the waves. Her head resting on his shoulder. Her slender arms wrapped around his left elbow as her hands traced his muscles. His hand lying lazily in her lap, playing with the fabric of her skirt. The universe allowing them a few moments of peace and serenity. Enveloping them in it’s warmth.
A loud noise broke them out of their reverie. The soothing sunlight was replaced with a fog of dust and smoke. A bomb had exploded close to where they were sitting. Bheem gathered his wits in a few seconds and reached for Jenny - his first thought was to get her to safety. But…where was she? She wasn’t next to him anymore. The cloud of smoke made it tough to see so he reached out for her blindly. She was just here. Where did she go? He heard footsteps in the distance but the damned fog clouded his vision. He screamed for her desperately, running around, trying to trace her steps in the riverside sand. That’s when he saw the drag marks. Which disappeared shortly. His heart sank to his stomach. Someone had carried her away forcefully. Her torn scarf and her broken shell necklace the only evidence of her presence, and of her protests. He screamed and ran and searched blindly, tears streaming down his face, but to no avail. She was gone. Lost to him, maybe forever. He couldn’t keep her safe. The thought of what could be happening to her right now…..
Bheem woke with a start, and a scream, sitting up and holding his head in his hands. His mind had realized it was a dream the second he woke up, but his heart was still palpitating at a thousand beats per minute. The commotion awakened Jenny too, and her eyes landed on a very distressed Bheem. She sat up and tried to get him to face her, but he refused to move. Steadfastly hiding behind his hands.
Wanting to face him, she moved herself to sit in his lap. She rubbed his sweaty neck and shoulders softly, feeling the tension ease a bit from his straining muscles. She kissed the back of his hands covering his face, coaxing him to look at her. He relented under her persistent care and finally dropped his hands.
Jenny cupped his cheeks and kissed away the sweat from his brows. His hands fell around her waist, adjusting her subconsciously in his lap.
‘Oh sweetheart, was it another nightmare?’
She asked in between peppering gentle kisses on his face. His nightmares were not uncommon. They were mostly about his time in Delhi - sometimes about his helplessness to get to Malli and sometimes about his capture, and subsequent lashing. He hadn’t said the last bit to her explicitly but she had understood long back. He had tried to hide away the trauma and the lasting mental impact from that torture, from everyone, but she had seen through the wall he had built for himself. The nightmares had started to ease though. She was startled, therefore, about the impact of this one.
‘Shhhh. You are safe now. You are home. Malli is home. No one will hurt you here. Shhhh.’
She whispered gently, while trying to rub his arms. To make him see that the nightmarish reality was past him now.
He responded by holding on to her tightly, almost in a death grip, crushing her to himself. Wanting to feel her safe and warm, close to him. Wanting to wipe away the desperation and desolation he had felt a few moments back.
Sensing his troubled heart, she went along with it and wrapped her arms around his neck, letting him draw comfort and assurance from their proximity.
‘Did the informants bring some bad news? Did someone get…hurt? What has happened, my love? Please tell me, please?’
He breathed a sigh of relief as her lips touched his neck. But how was he supposed to tell her what he was worried about? It wasn’t about anybody else this time, it was about her. It was the first time he had had a nightmare about her. Ofcourse these thoughts had been playing on his mind for a long time but nothing could have prepared him for the sheer horror those few seconds unleashed.
She persisted, kissing the top of his eyes, nudging him to look at herself. When he finally did, she was started by the depth of emotion swimming in those otherwise gentle orbs. They were a concoction of fear, helplessness and distraughtness. Her heart broke for him.
She was desperate to make him feel better. When she tried to fetch some water for him, he didn’t let her move away. She tried to explain what she wanted to do but he didn’t budge, shaking his head vigorously at her attempts.
She resigned and settled in his lap again. Kissing the top of his sweaty head. Something had really spooked him out of his wits. She wished he would talk to him about it. He never spoke to her about the serious, troubling, everyday reality of his life, despite her multiple efforts. She wished for that to change soon. So she could share his pain and fears, not just his love and warmth.
‘Oh my love. What’s happened? Are you all right?’
She cradled his head in her chest.
‘Love you.’
That’s all he could say. And she hugged him tighter. He kept repeating the words over and over again, pouring out his love for her, but the pain in his voice tugged at her heart throughout.
She sensed the change in his touch, his breathing, his voice a few moments later. Before she could say anything, he had flipped her from his lap on to the cot, settling on top of her.
In the next instant, his lips engulfed hers. She reciprocated with all her might, wanting to make him forget all his troubles.
But when he slid down the straps of her nightgown, she grabbed his wrists softly, making him look away from her neck and into her eyes.
‘Kya hua, jaan? Kuch galat kiya maine?’
(What happened, love? Did I do something wrong?)
He wondered if it was too soon for her. They had been together for the first time only two nights ago. But that wasn’t it.
‘Subah ho gayi hain. Sab log bahar honge.’
(It’s early morning now. Everyone would be outside.)
Most people were early risers here, and their day began with the daybreak. She was worried someone might hear them.
His expression turned soft, almost akin to a smile. Almost.
‘Toh hone do. Koi farak nahi padhta.’
(Let them be. It doesn’t matter.)
She didn’t look too convinced but let the matter slide. There was another issue at hand though.
‘Aaj hume bahar jana tha na?’
(We had to spend the day outside, right?)
‘Aaj ka din humara hain. Thodi der baad chale jayenge.’
(Today is for us. We can go after some time also.)
‘Hmmm’
‘Aur kuch? (Anything else?)
Yes. I want you to tell me what’s eating away at you. I want you to talk to me before we…
She didn’t say the words out loud since she knew it was futile. She wouldn’t get anything out of him, not now, at least. So she just let go of his wrists in response.
The lovemaking that ensued was as intense as their first time. While they both better understood the mechanics of it now, the feeling of their union still hit them equally hard. The tentativeness was replaced by anticipation.
The familiarity, rightfulness and possessiveness of his touch consumed all her senses, filling her completely. She tried to keep up with his near-frenzied moves & pace but when she couldn’t, Jenny just submitted to his will. Taking in the surreal feeling of being the object of his infinite love, and his burning desire. Desperately wanting to wipe away that forlorn, melancholic expression from his face, and replace it with his usual cheerful serenity.
Bheem wanted to forget too, by losing himself in her. By being enveloped in her warmth and comfort. By feeling every inch of her, to constantly reassure himself that it had all been a bad dream. That she was here in his arms, safe & sound. Her breathless moans overshadowing the sound of the distant footsteps still fresh in his head. The blissful sensation building in the pit of his stomach overpowering the dread he had felt a few moments back.
He held on to her long after, just breathing in her scent. She stroked his face, upper arms, and back, whispering sweet nothings in his ear, as they both recovered from the emotionally draining experience, falling asleep in each other's arms.
When she woke up a few hours later, she was pleased to see him back to his usual chirpy self. He was gliding around the hut, whistling to himself as he prepared their meals for the day. He had insisted on cooking for her today. She had protested - he already did so much, she didn’t want him to take on more, definitely not for her sake, and certainly not on a rare day off. But then he looked crestfallen, so of course, she had agreed.
The day’s itinerary was filled with Bheem’s favorite places around the mountain. The little caves he used to play hide & seek in, the mud pits he was thrown into many times while jostling with his friends, and the bushy shrubbery they used to nap over. She was entranced - by the places but more by his memories associated with them. Despite all his troubles, his childhood seemed to have been a somewhat happy one. The thought brought her immense joy.
They stuck to places decently close to the village. Her stamina was limited, and he didn’t want to risk venturing too far either, still unnerved by his previous thoughts. She wanted to go to the river, but he couldn’t get himself to take her there, not yet, at least. So he took her to a secluded mountain lake uphill. The hike was a bit strenuous for her & he insisted on carrying her for parts of it. When they reached the lake, though, the sheer delight on her face told him it was well worth the effort. Jenny half-danced around the place, taking in the landscape, and relishing the vibrant colors. Her giddiness was infectious, and he ended up joining in her merry frolicking.
The water was too enticing, and the afternoon weather was perfect for a quick swim. But she was too tired from the exertion so far and had to grudgingly refuse his offer. Sensing her disappointment, he promised to bring her back there soon.
They sat under a tree and had their lunch. She showered him with compliments on the food, and he preened under her praise. Once done, she rested her back against the tree while Bheem laid his head in her lap. Wrapping her arm around his neck, he nuzzled his beard against it, tickling her sensitive skin and making her burst into a fit of giggles. While her other hand carded through his unruly curls.
He shut his eyes, enjoying the sound of her pearly laughter. They started working on his English practice at some point in the next hour. Jenny had taught him ABCD in a different way.
‘A for?’
‘Akhtar.’ He remembered this one easily. The name was special for both of them. This is how she had first known him.
‘Good. And B for?’
‘BHEEM.’ Pat came the reply and she smiled fondly.
‘Yes, B for Bheem. Beautiful. Brave. Bheem. Now, C for?’
He thought for a few seconds.
‘Chandni Chowk?’
‘Correct. And D?’
‘Delhi.’
All of these being special places in their life. Delhi had changed her world, and how. Delhi also made Bheem meet the two people who he loved with all his heart. Who he couldn’t imagine his life without.
‘Wonderful. And E for?’
‘Earth.’
He touched the ground below him.
‘Excellent. And F for?’
When he was stumped, she motioned to the place around herself.
‘Forest. F for forest.’
‘Fabulous. Now, what about G?’
He turned his face to kiss her arm.
‘G for Jenny. My Jenny.’
He said happily, looking up at her with immense adoration. Her heart melted, and she blamed the English language for that to be not true.
In moments like these, Jenny was convinced that God was a woman. Only a woman could conjure a man this perfect. A man of every woman’s dreams.
They went about it for another hour. She was very proud of how quickly he had picked up this stuff, and how sharp he actually was.
When a half-rotten mango fell on her out of nowhere, staining her skirt, that’s when they realised they had been sitting under a mango tree all this while.
‘Ooooh look at that. They look amazing.’
She clapped happily, pointing at the ripe mangoes, and he smiled at her excitement.
‘Do minute ruko. Main tod dunga.’
(Wait for 2 mins. I will pluck some for you.)
‘But, can I do it mysel…’
He cut her off.
‘Nahi. Chot lag jaegi tumhe. Main is daag ke liye pani le ke aa raha hun, phir tod dunga.’
(No. You will get hurt. I will just get some water for this stain, then I will pluck some for you.)
He turned around and walked to the lake.
Jenny couldn’t stop looking at the enticing mangoes. They were not that far up, not really. She would have to climb just one branch and she could catch hold of a few juicy ones. All her life, she had been fascinated with the idea of climbing trees but her maids & nannies never allowed it, calling it unladylike & filthy. Surely, Bheem wouldn’t have any such notions, right? He wouldn’t consider it improper. Making up her mind, she decided to go for it.
When Bheem turned around from the lake, déjà vu hit him. Jenny was nowhere in sight. She seemed to have vanished in thin air, again. He pinched himself, trying to wake up from another nightmare, but it didn’t work. He froze for a few seconds, unable to scream for her, unable to move, as his eyes scanned all the exit points from this secluded location. How could this be happening? His heart pounded in his chest, his arms & legs started to tingle with numbness, and he felt a bout of nausea take over.
In a normal situation, his trained eyes would have immediately caught the movement slightly higher up the tree, even if the leaves were blocking his line of sight. If fear & paranoia hadn’t clouded his senses, he would have also spotted her sandals under the tree.
When he realised what had happened, he was equal parts relieved and livid. Did she have any idea what she just put him through? How immature was this behaviour? He walked to the tree angrily, crushing the bottle of water in his hand to give an outlet to his rage.
She called out to him excitedly when she saw him approach.
‘Bheem, look, I got here all by mys….’
He had no patience for her chirpiness right now.
‘Jenny, neeche utro.’ (Jenny, get down.)
‘But, I am almost there. It’s so close. I just need to go a little higher and..’
‘Maine kaha na. Neeche utro. Abhi.’
(I told you. Get down. Now.).
He tried his best to hide the irritation in his voice. But she sensed the tension and was taken aback by his tone. Disheartened, she started making her way down. When she got closer, Bheem reached up, put his hands on her waist and brought her down.
‘Ye kya bachkani harkat thi? Tum 2 minute ruk nahi sakti thi? Maine kaha tha na main le aaunga.)
(What was this childish behaviour? Could you not wait for 2 mins? I told you I would pluck those for you.)
He said curtly, while looking her over for any injuries.
Jenny felt like she was back in her old life, being admonished for improper, ‘childish’ behaviour. For disobeying a direct command from those in charge of looking after her, because they always knew better somehow. Her heart nearly refused to process that it was Bheem who was talking to her like this. He was supposed to be different. She thought she had left that world behind when she followed him here.
‘I…I just wanted to try myself. I always wanted to try this once. It looked close, and simple.’
She looked down and played with her hands nervously.
And I didn’t want to bother you for something simple. I wanted to at least do this myself.
She decided to not say this bit out loud, not wanting to escalate the situation.
‘Achcha, toh fir ye kya hain?’
(Is that so? Then what is this?)
He pointed, disapprovingly, to a tiny cut on her arm. It started to get to her now - she didn’t deserve this kind of dressing down for acting on a simple, innocuous wish.
‘Bheem, choti si toh kharoch hain. Itna gussa kyu ho rahe ho? Aisa kya kar diya maine?’
(Bheem, it’s just a tiny scratch. Why are you getting this angry? What have I done so wrong?)
He felt like punching the nearby tree in frustration.
His mind tried to remind him that she didn’t know about his nightmare or the horrific scenarios that went through this head just now. But his heart was still racing and his body had still not recovered from the paralysing shock.
‘AISA KYA kar diya tumne? Sach me, Jenny? Tumhe andaaza bhi hain mujh pe abhi kya guzri?’
(WHAT DID you do wrong? Seriously, Jenny? Do you have any idea what I just went through?)
He stood toe to toe with her, grabbing her upper arms, shaking her lightly.
‘Mujhe laga ki tum….ki tumhe koi…urghhh. Kya zaroorat thi mujhe bine bataye aisi harkat karne ki? Jab maine saaf saaf mana kiya tha? Agar aise hi karogi toh tumhe yaha chod kar bahar kaam se kaise ja paunga main?’
(I thought that you..that someone took…urghhh. What was the point of doing this stupidity without telling me? Especially when I told you not to? If you act like this, how will I ever be able to go away for days for any important work?)
She was shaking at his words now - both with hurt and disbelief. This was grossly unfair, and utterly uncalled for. She had followed his every instruction to the T, like a gospel, without a single complaint. Even when she didn’t understand the logic, she never questioned him. She had made every effort to not add to his troubles. Yet, he was throwing this in her face. For climbing a GODDAMN tree.
All her young and adult life, Jenny had craved some degree of freedom. She fought for it, rebelled for it, in the limited fashion she could. Whether it was taking long walks in London or countryside without a chaperone, or travelling on her own in Delhi without a slew of bodyguards. She had a mind of her own. She had fought to protect her free, independent spirit. But she had to put all that away when she chose to follow him here, letting herself be entirely dependent on him. She chose love over her own self, her way of life. All for this man, who was more important to her than anyone else. Who she had put on a pedestal. Who was yelling at her right now that his word was final.
‘Tumhe bina bataye? Ab kya saans lene ke liye bhi tumhari ijazat leni padegi? Tumhari har baat maani hain maine, bina kuch kahe, bina kuch pooche. Itni bhi bevakoof nahi hun main ki tumhara darr na samjhoon.’
(Without telling you? Do I now have to ask for your permission for everything, for breathing as well? I have followed everything you have said, without saying anything, without questioning anything. I am not THAT stupid to not understand the reason for your fears.)
Bheem laughed a strange laugh. A cruel, bitter, distant, mocking laugh. It sent chills down her spine.
He backed her against the tree. When she put her hands on his chest to get some distance, he grabbed her wrists and held them behind her, caging her completely in his hold.
Of the zillion ways she had fantasised about him using his strength on her, this was not it. She couldn’t recognise the man in front of her. His eyes, his face, his demeanour was nothing like her Bheem.
‘Darr? Kya jaanti ho tum darr ke baare me? Kya samajhti ho tum ki bebasi kya hoti hain? Darr wo hain jo Loki ne har pal mehsoos kiya pichle saal, ki uski beti ke saath kya ho raha hoga. Darr wo hain jo yaha ki sab ladkiyaan mehsoos karti hain jab bhi koi bahar wala aadmi kareeb ho. Bebasi wo hain jo mujhe har pal us shehar me khati rahi, jab main ye bhi nahi jaanta tha ki Malli zinda bhi hain ya nahi. Bebasi wo hain jo Malli ne us pinjare me mehsoos ki, jaha use ek khilone ki tarah khareed kar daal diya gaya. Bebasi wo hain Jenny, jo har Hindustani mehsoos karta hain, apne hi desh me gulaamo ki tarah jeete hue. Ise kehte hain darr aur bebasi.’
‘Fear? What do you know about fear? What do you understand about helplessness? Fear is what Loki felt all of last year, when she had no clue what horrors her daughter was facing. Fear is what every woman feels here, when any outsider man comes nearby. Helplessness is what ate away at me in Delhi, when I didn’t even know whether Malli was alive or not. Helplessness is what Malli felt in that cage, where she was kept like a bought toy. Helplessness, Jenny, is what every Indian feels, when we have to live as servants in our own country. That is fear and helplessness.’
She was frozen in her spot while he continued to shove her privilege in her face.
‘Tumhe ab bhi yahi lagta hain ki agar kisi ne tumhe pakad bhi liya, toh zyada se zyada tumhe wapas bhej denge. Nahi, Jenny. Zaroori nahi ki wo jaante ho tum kaun ho. Tumhara parivar, tumhari daulat tumhe har jagah nahi bacha sakti. Aur yahaan toh bilkul bhi nahi. Wo log toh kuch aadmiyon ko bhi nahi bakshte - fir tumhare jaisi haseen, anokhi ladki ka wo kya hashr karenge.’
(You still think that even if someone catches you, the worst possible scenario is that they will send you back. No, Jenny. They may not know who you are. Your family connections, all your wealth may not save you everywhere. Definitely not here. Those people - they don’t even spare some men. Imagine what they would do to a stunning, exotic girl like you.)
Their faces were an inch apart. And he continued to pierce through her soul out of desperation and frustration. She was still too stunned to react.
‘Aur mera kya? Huh? Tumhe choona toh bohot door ki baat hain, agar koi tumhe us nazar se dekhega bhi toh main kaise sehen kar paunga? Zindagi me bohot kuch bardaasht kiya hain, par itni himmat nahi hain mujhme. Isliye darta hoon. Aur tumhe bhi darna chahiye. Kyunki kabhi kabhi ye darr hi hume zinda rakhta hain.’
(And what about me, huh? Let alone anyone touching you; if anyone even looks at you that way, how will I bear that? I have borne a lot of things in my life but this..I don’t have the strength for this. That’s why I am scared. And you should be scared too. Because sometimes, this fear is what keeps us alive.)
He was almost in a trance. Projecting his fears and worries onto her. The horror from the nightmare, what he experienced a few minutes ago, his restless thoughts when he had to leave her behind for days - all of it came pouring out. And she bore the brunt of it.
It took him a few moments to register her quivering lips and moist eyes. When he did, he immediately let go of her wrists, taking a few steps back, shocked at his actions. She rubbed her wrists, and he noticed the bruise he had left behind. Feeling like the scum of the earth, Bheem resisted the urge to punch himself in the face.
His heart yearned to reach out and gather her in his arms, to comfort her, but he held back, sensing that he won’t be welcomed right now. She wrapped her arms around herself, holding on tightly, which felt like a further kick to his gut.
While he still stood by the essence of what he said, he also knew it could have been communicated far less accusingly. He had fucked up there, and how.
Jenny felt the illusion of her fairy tale crash and burn around her. Reality had smacked her in the face. Hard.
She was deeply shaken, for various reasons. She had never seen this side of Bheem before - he had never even raised his voice at her previously. But she couldn’t deny the harsh truth in some of his words.
It would be preposterous for her to claim that she knew fear or helplessness like him or his people. Her helplessness had always been around lack of control over her life. She feared being married off to a selfish, controlling, mean & heartless man like her uncle. But these were all first world issues compared to the people here. She never had to fear for her life, her survival or her honour. She never lacked anything material she ever set her eyes on. The closest she had ever come to crippling helplessness was when she saw him getting tortured, or when he was sentenced to death.
He was also right in his observation of what she thought would happen if she ever gets captured. She had no idea how he surmised that, since they had never discussed it before. The man was even more perceptive than she thought.
But what got on her nerves the most was that she didn’t see her fault in any of this. She hadn’t done anything remotely close to deserve such lashing. Other than her upbringing or the colour of her skin or where she was born maybe. Was that it then? His implication wasn’t lost on her. He had created a clear, distinct chasm - with her on one side and him/his people on the other. Was that his way of saying that the two ends could never meet? All the efforts she had been making to blend in, to assimilate with the people here - was it nothing but a fool’s errand? A wild-goose chase?
Her eyes burnt with unshed tears but she willed them away. She wouldn’t crumble before him like a hapless little girl. She won’t give him that satisfaction.
But he never implied that. He wasn’t being mean on purpose. Her heart tried to intervene but she was past the point of reason.
When she spoke again, her voice was eerily calm, and it cut through him.
‘Mana ki main us tarah se nahi samajh sakti, jaise tum samajhte ho. Par itna jaanti hun ki kya zaroori hain or kya nahi. Kya main aaj tak ek baar bhi yaha se bahar nikli hun tumhare bina, ya kabhi tumse zid ki hain? Is zindagi ko maine chuna hain, aur main ise nibhane ke liye tayyar hoon.’
(I may not understand these things like you do, but I do understand what’s critical and what’s not. Have I ever stepped outside of here, even once, without you? Or cribbed about these restrictions to you? I have chosen this life and I am prepared to live with the realities that come with it.)
‘Par sab kuch jaan leva toh nahi hota na? Har cheez me pabandi ki kya zaroorat hain? Agar main is ped pe chad gayi toh isme itni badi baat kya thi? Iske liye kyu mana kiya mujhe?’
(But not everything is life-critical, right? Why do you put restrictions on other things, then? What was the big deal in me climbing this damn tree? Why did you say no to that when I asked you?)
Bheem quietly pointed to her hand, making his point. She nearly screamed in frustration and crossed the distance between them, waving her arm in front of his face.
‘Ye? Itni si kharoch, ye wajah hain tumhari? Isi liye tum mujhe kuch bhi kaam nahi karne dete? Main khana nahi bana sakti, paani tak garam nahi kar sakti kyunki ek baar mera haath jal gaya tha? In choti choti cheezon ke liye bhi mujhe Loki ko pareshaan karna padta hain. Ye kaise chalega Bheem, aur kab tak? Baki log kya sochte honge mere baare me?’
(This? This tiny scratch, this is your reason? This is why you don’t let me do anything? I am not allowed to cook or even boil water. Only because I burnt my hand one time? I have to bother Loki for these small things, also. How is this okay, Bheem? How is this sustainable? What must they be thinking of me?)
Bheem was taken aback by her outburst. It was true he had forbidden her from these chores, but she was very likely to get hurt doing these things. He was just trying to protect her. How the hell was that a crime?
He tried to muster some calmness in his voice when he responded. But they both saw through it.
‘Yaha ke log aise nahi hain. Wo apne dil se, apni khushi se tumhare liye ye sab karte hain. Kyunki tum unki….’
(My people are not like that. They do these things for you out of their own will and heart, because you are their…)
He paused, as realization struck of the word he was going to use next. It was her turn to have that distant, melancholy smile. Bheem didn’t like it one bit, and he wanted to wipe it away immediately.
‘Mehmaan? Yahi kehna chahate the na? Ki main yaha ek mehmaan hoon. Kya yahi sochte ho tum mere baare me? Kya yahi chahate ho tum? Isliye mujhe kabhi mehmaan se yaha ka ban ne nahi dete?’
(Guest? That’s what you wanted to say right? That I am a guest here. Is that what you think of me? Rather, is that what you want? Is that the reason why you don’t let me graduate from a guest to become one of you?)
Her words were driving a knife through his heart. He couldn’t fathom how she could say such cutting things so easily. Everything that he had done to make his people accept her - from talking to everyone before she arrived to figuring out some daily community activities for her, to looking out for her every need, to even talking to the village council about their relationship. Did all of that mean nothing to her?
‘Kya apne zazbaaton ka saboot dena padega mujhe ab? Kya gunaah hain mera - ki main tumse bohot pyaar karta hoon? Tumhara bohot khayal rakhta hoon? Tumhe kisi bhi dukh dard se bachana chahata hoon? Ye galti hain meri?’
(Do I have to prove my feelings to you now? What’s my crime really - that I love you too much? That I care for you too much? That I want to keep you away from any hardships? Is THAT my fault?)
Jenny felt like laughing and crying at the same time.
‘Pyaar karna gunaah nahi hota Bheem. Pyaar toh main bhi karti hun na tumse? Lekin main tumhe zaroori cheezon se rokti toh nahi na? Tum mujhe har dukh se, har buri cheez se nahi bacha sakte. Ye namunkin hain, aur ye humaare beech ek ghutan paida kar dega. Tum kabhi apni takleef, ya koi buri khabar mujhe nahi batate. Jabki Ram Sita ko sab kuch batata hain. Aisa kyun, Bheem? Kya bharosa nahi hain mujh par? Ya itna beakal samajhte ho mujhe?’
(Loving someone is not a crime, Bheem. I love you too, but I don’t keep you away from all dangerous things because I know they are important. You can’t shield me from every pain, every bad thing. It’s impossible, and it will create a suffocation between us. You never share your troubles or any bad news with me. While Ram shares everything with Sita. Why, Bheem? Don’t you trust me? Or do you think I am a stupid, naive girl?)
Bheem wanted to run. To hide. To cry. To jump from a cliff. To beg her to stop. He couldn’t believe they were hurting each other so deeply. But then, one hurts those who one loves the most, isn’t it?
Jenny was too embroiled in her emotions now. She wanted to complete her thought. Don’t say it, her heart chided her. It’s too harsh, he doesn’t deserve it, it will break him. But she couldn’t help herself from feeling this way. She needed to say it out loud.
‘Kya main sirf tumhara pyaar baatne ke liye hoon, tumhara dard nahi? Kabhi kabhi aisa lagta hain ki tum mere paas tabhi aate ho jab tumhe…..mujhse pyaar karne ka man karta hain. Kya yahi hain humara rishta? Phir ye un ladko se kaise alag hua jinme se kisi ke saath meri shadi kar di jati?’
(Am I only here to share your love, and not your pain? Sometimes, it feels like you only come to me when…..you want to touch me, to make love to me. Is that all we are then? How is that different from any other man I was supposed to end up with?)
Bheem fell to his knees. The whiplashes hadn’t hurt as much. The betrayal from Ram hadn’t hurt as much. The tiger claws hadn’t hurt as much. This…he had never felt heartbreak like this before.
His pure, infinite love had just been reduced to lust and physical pleasures. To something…cheap and crass. Their lovemaking - which was almost a divine experience for him - did she look at it as him taking advantage of her? Because he was in a position of power here, and she was entirely dependent on him? Is that why she thought he wanted to keep her reliant on himself, so he could continue to… have her like this?
He was ashen-faced. Numb. Even his tear glands refused to work. He forgot how to function anymore. How to get through the next second. Love hurts. He knew that. But this wasn’t just hurt. She had ripped his heart straight out of his chest with her words.
When she heard the loud thud, she realized what had happened. Jenny came to her senses when she saw the magnitude of her words' impact on him.
She knelt before him slowly, trying to reach for his face, but he pulled away, not wanting to accept any comfort from her. And definitely not her touch.
His spirit was broken. He wanted to say so much yet nothing at all. But one thing came out almost involuntarily, in a choked voice.
‘Agar itni takleef thi mere paas aane se, toh keh deti na? Aur kya yahi wajah hain ki tum humari kareebi ki nishani mita deti ho?’
(If my proximity bothered you so much, why didn’t you say anything? And, is that the reason why you destroy the result of our togetherness?)
It took Jenny a few moments to understand that he was talking about the herbs she was taking after sex to not conceive. Bheem waited for her to get to the realization. He had seen the herbs in Sita’s hands that day and immediately knew what it was. It had hurt him immensely that she never discussed this with him.
When she understood, her face twisted in pain - she could see why he would interpret it the wrong way. In fact, he now interpreted it exactly how she had feared, as a sign of her hesitation in this new life. The misunderstanding from the unsaid words had come back to bite her. This is what Sita had warned her against. This is why she wanted her to tell him. Jenny was just waiting for the right moment, and then this….
He took her lack of response as an affirmation. And his heart broke for a zillionth time this evening.
‘Toh tum bhi chali jaogi ek din, jaise wo chali gayi thi.’
(Oh, so you would also leave one day, like she did.)
She covered her face with her hands, unable to look at his torn state anymore. Unable to handle the situation. She wanted to scream and say a lot.
What else do I need to do to tell you that this is not an exotic adventure for me? That I am not here on a whim? That I desperately want to be a part of your life? That I have never wanted anything else as much, ever? I have given up everything I knew to be with you. To be here. I have given you my heart, my soul, my honour. What more do I do to prove to you that this isn’t a frivolous thing, which I will just give up on and leave one day?
But she didn’t have the strength to say it out loud. They both sat there, too emotionally drained to say anything anymore. Both wondered how all hell broke loose like this, when just an hour back they were enjoying the day of their dreams. The honeymoon period had gotten over, and how. Neither knew if they could come back from this.
Bheem recovered first after a few minutes.
‘Shaam ho gayi hain. Wapas chalna chahiye.’
(It’s evening. We should head back.)
She nodded wordlessly. And they came back in silence. He walked close to her, keeping an eye on how she navigated the treacherous path, but she noticed how he maintained a safe distance.
Bheem walked her to the hut and left immediately, saying that he had some urgent business to attend to. She knew he had kept the full day free but didn’t say anything.
Her thoughts haunted her for the next few hours, in the eerie silence. He didn’t come at the time of dinner, and she couldn’t swallow down a bite either.
She looked at the garments they had laid out for the evening - her dress and his shirt. The same shirt he had worn to the party that day. She was so happy when she saw it this morning. It amazed her how the day had turned on its head.
Few more hours passed. He still hadn’t come back. Jenny was lying down in a foetal position, holding on to his shirt, trying to remember his eyes, his smile, his dance from that day. That was the only thing keeping her from going insane.
He came at midnight, thinking she would have slept by now. And was disappointed to find her wide awake. He changed in silence in the adjoining chamber, and she patiently waited for him to look at her once.
He came out and announced curtly that he would be leaving tomorrow morning for a few days. Jenny knew he was due to go on a supply run, but that was the day after tomorrow. She read between the lines - he wanted distance from her to clear his head. She resigned to his decision and acknowledged it with a brief ok.
But when he spread his mat on the floor and picked up his pillow from the cot, she grabbed the other end of it. Not daring to touch his hand yet.
‘Kya…kya ye zaroori hain?)
(Is that….really necessary?)
‘Mujhe zameen pe sone ki aadat hain.’
(I am used to sleeping on the floor.)
That’s all she got from him. And he lay down, facing away from her. She bit down her sob and lay back on the cot, hugging his shirt, burying her face in it, desperately trying to find his scent there.
After a few hours, when she was convinced he was at least in a light sleep, she sneaked out and made her way to Ram’s hut. She knew very well Bheem would throw a fit at her for leaving alone at this time of the night, but she didn’t have a choice.
Ram opened the door, with Sita close behind, both looking at her worriedly. When they both started speaking, she cut them off.
‘I don’t have much time. I need to get back before he wakes up.’
She turned to Ram and grabbed his hands. Ram was shocked - Jenny had never even come close to him before, not after the lashing.
‘Ram, you are going with Bheem tomorrow, right? I need you to look after him. More than you usually would. He is not himself right now. Don’t let him out of your sight. Promise me you will bring him back safely.’
‘Yes. Yes ofcourse, Jenny. But what’s wrong? What has happened?’
Both Ram and Sita sensed her distress which made their worry intensify.
She refused to answer. She refused the milk Sita had warmed for her in the meanwhile. She started to make her way back when Ram interrupted her.
‘Jenny, I..I need to…’
‘Yes, I know. You want to escort me back because he would want you to. Fine. Let’s go.’
She didn’t have the energy to argue. Ram accompanied her to the hut, waited till she locked the door, and silently made his way back. Shocked by the proceedings of the last few minutes.
When Jenny woke up the next day, he was gone. She knew he would be gone, but he had left a flower on her pillow the last time. This time, the empty pillow was mocking her.
She spent the next few days mostly inside, unable to function properly. She knew the trip was for him to make up his mind. This could be it. She may have already spent her last few happy moments with him. Her dream may be over already.
Sita hovered around her these few days, asking her multiple times what had happened. But she didn’t have the energy to relive all of it. She didn’t have the stamina to break down. Which she would if she got talking.
Malli was the only person who could make her smile somewhat for the next two days. She stayed with her for hours, refusing to leave her side, only letting go of her when Loki practically dragged her away to give Jenny some space.
Malli, in all her childhood innocence, offered to speak to her Anna and make it all better.
‘Anna won’t refuse me.’ She reassured Jenny. ‘Did he yell at you? I will yell back at him, you just wait.’
Jenny held her in her arms as Malli sang for her. Without Jenny saying a word, even the child had understood what could have caused such a reaction in her.
Bheem returned two days later. Jenny was exhausted from pacing in the hut for hours and was quite tired when he returned. Dread hit her immediately when she heard him outside the door. What if this was it? She took a few deep breaths, trying fruitlessly to hide the mess that she had become.
When he stepped inside, he immediately went to her and led her to the centre of the hut.
At least he is not disgusted with the idea of touching you anymore, that’s some progress, offered her heart.
He looked straight into her eyes. Last few days had given him immense clarity. He had relived every word spoken between them in his head. Ram had helped too.
‘Kuch kehna hain tumse.’
(I need to say something to you.)
She nodded frantically, unable to wait anymore.
He took out a knife from his bag and placed it in her hand.
‘Tum yaha ke tareeke seekhna chahti thi na. Humari zindagi ka hissa ban na chahti thi. Ye lo. Ye maine banaya hain. Abhi zyada tez nahi hain. Jab tum seekh jaogi toh ise tez kar doonga. Kal se tumhari bhi training shuru. Theek hain?’
(You wanted to learn our ways right? To become a part of our lives? Here, take this. I made it for you. It’s not very sharp right now. When you will get a better handle of it, I will make it sharper. Your training starts tomorrow. All right?)
Jenny choked with emotion. He wasn’t pushing her away. He was bringing her closer. He was making her a part of his life, in a real sense. She couldn’t do much but nod dumbly at him. He smiled at her, which made her want to burst into tears. But she resisted the urge.
‘Doosri baat - kal se Loki aur Sita tumhe khana banana sikhayengi. Aur jo bhi tum seekhna chahati ho, unhe bata dena. Maine unhe bol diya hain.’
(Another thing. From tomorrow, Loki and Sita will start teaching you how to cook. Anything else you want to learn, just tell them. I have already spoken to them about this.)
It was really hard for her to hold back her tears now. She was quite proud of her will power.
‘Aur, ek aur baat. Wo jo tumne kaha the…..humari kareebi ke baare me..)
(Also, what you said that day….about our proximity…)
She cut him off, not liking where this was going, and grabbed his shoulders in despair.
‘Bheem, Bheem please listen to me. I couldn’t clarify to you that day but that’s not how I meant it. I LOVE YOU. I wanted you the same way. Please, please don’t take it like that. I beg you. Please.’
‘Shhhh. Main jaanta hun tumhara wo matlab nahi tha. Par ek baat main phir bhi kehna chahata hoon. Jenny, mera pyaar in….jismani chahato ka mohtaaj nahi hain. Agar hum kabhi is tarah kareeb na ho paate, toh bhi main tumse utna hi pyaar karta.’
(Shhh. I know you didn’t mean it like that. But there is one thing I still want to say to you. Jenny, my love is not conditional on these…physical desires and pleasures. Even if we couldn’t be close like that, I would still love you as much.)
She felt so small, having driven him to clarify this to her. Of course, she knew that. Of course.
Unable to handle herself anymore, she threw her arms around him. And he held her waist, holding her close.
But when her lips nuzzled into his neck, the sensation hit him like lightning. It just felt….wrong.
He pulled away from her.
‘Jenny…main..’
He didn’t need to say further. His pained voice had said everything. In all honesty, she knew the moment she had said those words that it would be tough for him to get back to the status quo. To be able to touch her again.
‘Toh ye saza hain meri? Tumse ye doori?’
(Is this my punishment then, this distance from you?)
She asked, crestfallen, unable to meet his eyes. Unable to stop her tears anymore.
‘Saza tumhari hain ya meri, nahi jaanta. Ya shayad beintehaa pyaar karne ki ye saza hoti hain.’
(I don’t know whether the punishment is yours or mine. Or maybe this is the punishment of our deep, infinite love.)
She cried some more. Unable to hold herself together anymore. That caused him immense distress and he held her upper arms.
‘Tumhare aansoon nahi dekh sakhta main, tum janti ho ye. Inke saamne main haar jaunga. Aur agar is waqt haar gaya toh khud se shayad nazrein na mila paun.’
(You know I don’t have the strength to handle your tears. I will lose in front of them. And if I lose right now, my conscience will be heavy.)
She wiped her tears immediately. And led him back to the cot. When he looked torn, she pleaded to him.
‘Please Bheem. Don’t sleep on the floor. We can put a pillow between us. But please, I can’t see you sleeping there. Please.’
He relented.
‘Theek hain.’ (Ok)
They laid down at their sides, looking at each other. Sleep evaded both of them. Neither knew what this meant for their relationship. If this is how it was going to be. After a while, she reached for his palm and placed it on her pillow, resting her cheek on it.
He gave her a half-smile. Feeling guilty & heartbroken for causing her so much agony.
‘Jenny..’
He tried to offer some comfort but she cut him off with a little kiss on his palm.
‘It’s fine. We will be fine. I know it in my heart. Whatever comes next, we will face it together. I love you, you love me; that’s all that matters. Tomorrow is a new day. We will be fine. Just sleep, my love.’
And they did fall asleep like that, gazing at each other. Hopeful yet scared of what was to come next. But drawing strength from the depth of their love.
....................................................................
Holy mother of God. This was hard. I bow down to the angst writers who revel in it. Phew!
As always, would love to know your thoughts :)
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