#god i’m so glad i have a life outside of social media bc these people sound miserable | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

eurydicees · 3 years

Note

Never apologize for your long thoughts and tangents!!! Those take time and I appreciate the detail you go into. I'm sorry for not being clearer in my ask, I think my sleep deprivation got to me lol; I was actually asking about your thoughts on their friend groups/skills in university bc even though they have so much more...time and space to make friends, I always wondered how many they would really make in college and esp people like Hikaru and Kyoya

all good, all good! i’m glad you enjoy because i have SO much fun writing them out, even if you and i are the only people who actually click “read more.” anyways. thoughts. i have so many. oh god. i know you said not to apologize but. this is so much. and i only covered the friend thing, i didn’t even talk about skills. i will def think on that though because i have opinions on everything. well here we go i guess:

i think one of the things i experienced in college was just a huge influx of opportunity. like. i was living with people that i saw all the time and thus became friends with them, and then friends with their friends, and then people in my classes, and people in the extracurricular projects i did-- like. there were just so many new people, and i go to a relatively small school.

all of that being said, my experiences are (a) only my own, and i don’t think that everyone does this, and (b) very, very, very american. like. the quintessential “die over college apps and then thrive in college” american experience. i’m sure that a lot of my experiences wouldn’t apply in japan (just based on what i know from other media i’ve consumed / people i’ve talked to), but some of them are pretty universal, i think.

okay all of that out of the way. i think that haruhi is going to have a very similar experience to me in that she doesn’t have a huge world outside of the hosts while at ouran, but once she gets to university, she’ll really thrive and branch out and find Her People, you know? over the course of the manga, she progressively learns to take initiative in things, as well as keep herself from burning out over that, and i think that’s something she continues to work on throughout university.

tamaki would also be able to branch out a bit, but at the end of the day, the hosts are his family. the hosts are the people he cares about. he definitely makes other friends, and definitely cares about them, but he loves the hosts. i think he has trouble prioritizing anything other than the other hosts, which makes it hard to make new friends, at first.

once he figures out that you can like. have multiple friend groups, he’s great. he also, i think, has to really accept that the other hosts are at different universities and are going to be making new friends, too, and he’s not going to be their “king” anymore. they’re all going to have to find different paths, and he has a lot of trouble accepting that for the others, even more so than he has trouble with it for himself.

kaoru does a similar thing to tamaki, i think, where he has trouble making friends only because he has trouble accepting that everyone else is also doing new things without him. especially hikaru. we see him-- in both the manga and in the anime-- have trouble with the idea that their little family is going to break up, almost to the same extent that tamaki fears it. i think that really holds him back for a while, but once he accepts that, though everyone is moving on, they all still love each other, he’ll be able to make new friends.

and oh god once he starts making friends, kaoru goes for it. he branches out wildly in university. he’s spent his whole life just sharing everything with hikaru, and once he starts trying to find out who he is apart from hikaru, he tries everything. he dyes his hair. he dresses like an e-boy. he joins a band, and then quits immediately. he wears dresses. he learns to do make up better than anyone else he knows. he takes every class he can.

he also burns out, i think, probably during his second year of trying everything new and figuring himself out. once he recovers from that lapse, where he kind of gives up on everything, he then settles down into being a person that he’s happy with. jesus christ ok there’s this really good demon-megane post that i have been trying to find for AGES that i simply cannot find, about how kaoru and hikaru are when they get to university and have to work on their codependent relationship. i think about this post every fucking day. it’s so good and it’s so relevant rn. i’m gonna go looking for it again later.

okay and this is gonna be a hot take, but i don’t think that honey and mori figure out how to make friends at university either, at least not until everyone else has graduated ouran and is off to university. in the manga, it’s honestly like they didn’t even graduate-- they go back to ouran for a lot of lunches, and they see the other hosts all of the time. i don’t think that, if they’re doing that, then they’re going to be able to make many friends at university.

but once everyone has graduated, i think that they’d be able to branch out better. as soon as they don’t have a significant fear of missing out on host club shenanigans and their old friends’ lives, they can kind of move on and find other people-- which is just. gonna be so good for them. mori, especially, would have a great time in college trying out new things without worrying about honey (mori has eldest daughter syndrome, change my mind). honey has always been popular and charismatic, and once he truly moves on from ouran emotionally, i think he’s going to have a great time making friends.

and on the other end of the spectrum, i think kyoya would be. suffering. like. he’s friendly with people, but he doesn’t have friends. he’s so focused on studying himself to death that he doesn’t have time for emotionally valuable friendships, and i don’t think he really wants them either. like i said in that last post, i think he’s pretty satisfied with what he’s got, and he’s not going to want to branch out much. also i wrote an entire fic about this lmao.

similarly, hikaru would have the worst time trying to make friends. i think that he has one of the most impressive character arcs throughout the manga, but he still has a long ways to go in terms of his social skills. and if we’re talking anime-only, hikaru has absolutely no idea how to like. be a good friend. he’s so used to just using people that it’s hard to not do that. and even then, he’s so wrapped up in the hosts that he doesn’t really know how to find other people.

side note, but i think he’d also have a lot of trouble at ouran after tamaki + kyoya graduate, because he really just doesn’t know how to find people outside of the hosts. during university, he probably has a lot of trouble figuring himself out-- what he wants to do with his life, with his career, with people. he doesn’t like. seek out clubs, and just takes random classes, and doesn’t reach out to anyone. i love him so much, but he’s definitely a mess in university. he figures it out, i think, but it does take him a hot sec. he needs a year to learn how to stop burning bridges via anger issues, and how to not rely on kaoru for the social skill aspect of a friendship, and what he actually wants to do with himself. GOD. i’m thinking about that post AGAIN. every time i think about the twins i think about that post it is KILLING me.

but in conclusion, all of the hosts miss each other so terribly during university, and they have such a rough time trying to figure out new relationships. except for haruhi, who fuckin thrives in university, except for the fact that she’s studying all of the time and doesn’t know how to manage her time. but that’s just the #college life. anyways i am SO curious to hear other people’s thoughts on this bc it’s a very very interesting question!

#ask #ohshc #ouran high school host club #ouran meta

28 notes · View notes

shigarakis-fifth-hand · 4 years

Text

Undercover; Jirou x Poly! Reader x Momo

Jsjsjs okay, poly x reader (Bc I'm a closeted poly irl lmao) How about jirou x reader x momo, but they're all pro-heroes. The reader is like an undercover agent-type hero. (Not like an underground hero, i mean full james bond stuff) But they went to UA with the rest of the class 1a. Maybe they're all at a school reunion & the reader is technically doing cover work in plain sight. An assassin is trying to kill/miam one of the top 10 heroes. Go from there. (Also, thx for telling me abt ur rq💛🥺)

UA’s year of 2048’s 10-year Reunion had people flying in from all over. Iida had to cut his meeting short and fly overseas, Jirou had to miss a concert that she had with her fans, totally forgetting and planning last-minute per usual, and of course, you had forgotten about it until your boss brought something up about it. At first, you had been sad that you would not be able to go and see all of your friends from years ago due to the crazy amount of work that stacked up on your desk, mountain beyond mountains of emails and files, begging you to take their case.

But luckily, going to the Reunion was a case itself, and a very important one. Eraserhead, one of the underground, older heroes, had been beginning to be threatened by an organization of hero-haters on social media. At first, it had all been just petty hate and bickering, until the threats began to pour in from this random account. Police had identified the IP address, only to find nothing beyond that. That’s when Eraserhead began getting “gifts” left outside his door, and notes too. Threatening notes, telling him to enjoy his last days before he was killed by the sender. Your company, the Federal Hero Unit Agency, had begged him not to attend the reunion and stay in his apartment with his husband Present Mic until the situation could be dealt with. But, he had refused to miss a night with his favorite past class.

That’s when you had been contacted by your Boss personally, and assigned the case of protecting him through out the night, keeping a watch on him while not giving away your identity as an agent and protector. That’s right, you were an FBI agent that dealed with Hero Matters, including but not limited to stalkers, missing heroes, murdered heroes, and keeping track of where, when, and how the heroes were doing mentally. A hero in a bad mental state was a disaster waiting to happen. You had chosen the job, not only because the company was begging you, but you needed to help keep the heroes of the town safe. The heroes would protect the city, and you would protect them. This also gave you reason to keep a close watch on all your past classmates and how they were doing. In a world like your own, you wanted to be the first to know when they got hurt so you could go see them. They didn’t know how but you always knew when and how they were doing.

Checking yourself out in the mirror, you were fairly impressed by the look of the dress you had gotten last minute. A black dress that showed your shoes nicely, fairly simple but also cute. Looked well with your skin tone. “Ready gorgeous?” Your girlfriend Momo walked through the door, glancing you up and down and smiling. You turned to look at her, in her best color of red of course. He wore a low cut dress of course to your dismay that only promised that you two would have fun tonight if she wanted it. “Where’s Jiri?” You asked, surprised when she smiled lightly of getting to see the third to your Three Muscuteers. Your other girlfriend, Jirou, had been on tour of her concert. You would have happily joined her if it hadn’t required taking over a month off of work, which was not allowed. Still, you hadn’t physically seen her in such a long time, and FaceTime had got boring past a week of doing it.

At the same time, you and Momo had more time to yourself, able to fully spend hours and hours making love without Jirou wanting to run off and watch a movie or sing karaoke with her ADHD self. You did miss her though, and would be so happy to see her in just an hour at the school. “I’m so glad your work let you do this. I was not showing up to that party without someone to hold onto, I’m not that independent.” She giggled before turning to look at you both in the mirror. “Aww, we look cute. Hope Jiri didn’t just wear jeans and a shirt like she said she would. I think that was just a joke, but again, would not be surprised.” Momo exclaimed as you two made it to the door of the two bedroom condo on the top floor of the penthouse you rented. The roof allowed you ways to leave your house using your quirk and not be tracked by cameras. The more discreet, the better for your career anyways.

Out the grand doors of the lobby and into the limo Momo had arranged, you two waited eagerly to pull up to the school. UA, the place where everything had changed. You had moved in with Momo as roommates the first year, and from then had began getting romantic. It was only after you lost your virginities that you fully and verbally established a relationship with one another. Momo had promised to keep herself “pure”, but the way you kissed her lips was nothing but like an angel to her, so she couldn’t help herself. For a while, Jirou had only been a close friend for the both of you. Sure, Jirou kissed you but it was only “friendly”. You sent her your nudes, but only to get some feedback on how good you looked. Jirou would try on your clothes and change in your room, but it was only because you were both girls and it was no big deal. Jirou only came along into the relationship after getting drunk at a party and you all learning new ways for three people to touch at once.

Boy, were you excited to see her. Finally, the limo pulled up to the school, lots of camera flashing following your arrival. Used to it by now, you held your hand up to your face to block the light, pulled your arm over Momo’s shoulders, and pulled her along with you up the stairs and into the building, ignoring all the yelling and questions. Immediately as you entered, a wave of nostalgia entered you as you were remembered of the many days you guys would sit on the couch, eat, and play ping pong, having the news play in the background of heroes and their work or fights. It only fit the aesthetic of what you were all training to be. Some would say you were each other's competition, but you all were friends. There was no doubt about the undying platonic love you all shared. Momo must have felt it too as she squealed and giggled, squeezing your hand and jumping up and down.

“I have to go to the bathroom. Go ahead of me, alright? I’ll be there in a minute.” You smiled, gave her a wink, and watched her way safely in the room. After having so many villains want you dead, there was no problem being extra careful with the ones you loved, especially after knowing someone dangerous was possibly already in the building. You walked into the ladies room, seeing two girls already there. A woman with a black pixie cut and black dress, sort of similar to your own, stood at the mirror, fixing her makeup. The other had long, bright red hair and dark skin. You nodded to them, smiling as you walked into the stall.

Being as silent as you were trained, you slid out the earpiece and clipped it onto your ear, adjusting the mic to just under your ear, and the sound projector into your ear. You made some noise, then stepped out, nodded to the ladies again, and left. Quickly walking, eager to start your mission, see your girlfriends, and your friends. As you walked into the room, the party seemed to buzz extra loud as everyone saw you. Denki practically tackled you, not changing but from the peach fuzz on his chin and tattoo below his eye. You had seen Denki multiple times in public and when you scheduled to meet up, but this time just seemed special. “My girl! What’s up?! You look- so good!” He exclaimed, his eyes lingering on your figure. “Watch it tiger, this one is taken.” You looked behind him to see Mina, much taller, and with a more alt look to her now. “Yes! You’re dating Momo and Jirou right? They published you in Hero Weekly multiple times. You represent more than you can imagine Y/n!” Deku exclaimed. You smiled and winked at him, seeing that he hadn’t changed but from his hair style, and the fact that Todoroki swung his arm around him. “Good to… see you.” Todoroki mumbled slowly. You knew he meant well, but yet he hadn’t changed as well, personality included. “There she is!!” She turned to see Kirishima and Sero, running up to you full-speed. “Sero! Kiri!” You practically screamed, jumping into the arms of your awaiting guy friends. “God, I’ve missed you!!” You exclaimed, smiling ear to ear.

“We saw you two days ago, chill dude.” Sero giggled, before separating. “Y/n. Kirishima. Sero. Please refrain from yelling inside.” You all looked behind you to see Aizawa, holding a glass of wine and wearing a suit. He hadn’t aged a day, and yet, the eyebags were just a little deeper. “Sorry Mr. Aizawa.” You grinned, giving him your best apologizing smile. Things haven't changed that much over 10 years. “Although your looks have altered, your personalities haven’t changed. Good.” Your past teacher smiled warmly, for possibly the first time, and walked away. You were about to begin talking to your friends again when you saw Shinso standing behind Aizawa, staring at you with surprise in his eyes.

Slowly and nervously, he walked up to you. “Y/n…” He looked down at your body and back up you. You couldn’t help but get creeped out, knowing that you and Shinso had once been together, but Jirou and Momo had come into your life. You knew it wasn’t fair to lie to him, so you had broken up with poor Shinso and gotten together with your now girlfriends Jirou and Momo, ignoring the constant calls and desperate messages for months. “Hey Shin. How’s it going?” You asked, smiling and acting as nothing had happened. You two could still be friends after two years, right? You were both over each other and with someone else.

“Good. I’ve been working under Aizawa for a year now, I’m going to become a teacher like him.” He grinned calmly as you smiled proudly at him. “That’s so good! I… I’m really proud of you. Last time, you told me you wanted nothing to do with heroes. And now you want to teach the next generation. I’m so happy!” You exclaimed. Shinso was about to speak, before you felt someone hug you from behind quickly. “Y/n!!” You turned around to see your beautiful girlfriends looking at you, Jirou wrapped around you and Momo smiling off on the side. “My god! I missed you so much!” Jirou reached up and kissed you slowly before returning to hug you. “I missed you too.” You looked down at her outfit and rolled your eyes. She was just wearing a black ruffled top and jeans, and not the dress Momo had bought her. She still looked great though, so you choose not to complain.

After many hours of talking among your former classmates, exchanging contact, and talking about your job, you constantly kept on edge, keeping your eye on Aizawa as he walked around, saying hello to every single student and other teacher, Mic staying beside his side for the most part, and Shinso staying near him for some of it. Watching Shinso, you saw him and how he avoided all his classmates. He didn’t make eye contact with the classmates, and refused to talk to anyone really. He had not changed personalities anyway over the past ten years, and you almost felt sorry for him. At least he had gotten a new girlfriend. You couldn’t help but wonder how he was doing mentally. He looked absolutely ripped, but his undereye bags were terrible and his hair was just as messy since high school.

Finally, the main part started, and you began to get prepared. Holding hands with Jirou to your left, and Momo to your right, you felt a sense of blending in with the audience. You made sure to observe the people around you, and keep your thoughts to yourself as you evaluated each and every person. Finally, your main subject, Eraserhead, stepped into the main room. You left your girlfriends and stepped next to Eraserhead, smiling. “May I? Looks like you’re lonely.” You smiled, seeing that Mic was currently busy, operating the lights and speakers as he pleased. He refused to let anyone else do it but him. “Don’t play me Y/n. I know your job, and I know why you’re here.” Your older teacher looked away from you, before you nudged him playfully. “So, is that a no? Or an absolutely yes?” You smiled playfully as he looked back at you and grinned. “You haven’t changed a bit. Good.” He offered you his arm and you grabbed it, making your way to the seats offered for you. Your boss has made sure you had a seat right next to Aizawa.

Over the next half hour, speeches were made, food was served, and laughs were shared. It was a joyful time, but you couldn’t help but look for Aizawa. He was all over the place, as if he was trying to get away from you. Finally, people began dancing. Getting nervous, you quickly got up and walked towards the teacher.

“May I have this dance?” You grinned cheekily at him as he turned to you, unamused by your humor. “How about you leave me alone? I don’t need my former student protecting me. It’s my job as a hero to protect you.” He explained, but you just shook your head, stepping closer. “No way Sir. It is my job to protect you, and only you quite literally.” You winked at him, joking again. Finally, you turned your head and gave him your puppy-dog eyes. “How about that dance?” He nodded and grabbed your, smiling as you both began to make your way to the dance floor.

He told you about his recent retirement, and how he and Mic had been spending their recent times in their secret vacation home down South in the islands. You then began telling him about how you had gotten into a relationship with two of your fellow students, and he told you how happy he was for you all. “You girls were always close. I’m so happy, you deserve as many lovers as you desire.” He commented, making you suddenly so happy. “Mic dated two people once in elementary school. He was… such the player.” You both laughed, before Aizawa looked down at his phone. “Speak of the devil.” You noticed that Aizawa had gotten a text from Mic. “Excuse me for a minute.” Aizawa went to walk away towards the hallway, before looking back at you, seeing your worry. “I’ll be fine. Mic is waiting for me on the balcony.”

You nodded, going to sit down when you suddenly saw Mic looking around. “Has anyone seen my phone?” He yelled out, walking around. It took you a minute to realize it, but you quickly jumped up and looked at him. “Where’s Aizawa?!” You asked him loudly, causing some people to look at you strangely. “I… I don’t know, wasn’t he just with you?” Mic asked, looking at you strangely with confusion in his expression. “Oh god. Oh god!” You ran to the door that Aizawa had walked out, before pulling and pushing on it. It was stuck. Looking around, and then at the ceiling, you began to see a light green, almost neon, mist coming out of the sprinklers. “Everyone cover your mouths!” You screamed, bringing your shirt up to your mouth as the mist began to get thicker in the air. People began coughing, and everyone began freaking out. “Y/n?! Y/n!” You looked over to see Jirou and Momo running towards you. Jirou began to have trouble breathing, coughing and such since her shirt was very thin and not useful as a mask.

“Momo, make an explosion and get everyone out. I’ll need all the back up I can get. Also, tell everyone to get low. This gas rises high and won’t settle on the ground.” You commanded your girlfriend, before Jirou turned to you. “What about you?” She asked, fear and panic in her eyes. “I’m going to go save our teacher.” You smiled, kissed her cheek, and ran off. Using your quirk, you were able to walk through the walls and see that the door has been blocked off by dozens of pieces of heavy furniture, too heavy for you. Finally, you were able to breathe. “Aizawa?!” You screamed, following the sound of slight mumbling through the dozens and dozens of hallways.

Suddenly, you heard laughing, and turned around, knowing that the villain was right around the corner. You recognized that laugh… “Shinny?” You called out, hearing the laughing stop suddenly. He knew you were there. And you knew he was there. And he knew you knew he was there.

“Shinny? What are you doing?” You asked, eyes wide. With the way you were pretending, you made sure to look sad and betrayed. “Oh Y/n… I’m sorry.” He whispered at you. Looking out, you saw that they were on the balcony, Aizawa about to jump five stories off, but he wasn’t his normal self. Shinso had Aizawa under his control. “Shinso, please don’t do this.” You mumbled, walking towards him. You had to use Shinso’s love for you against him, something you thought you’d never do. “Oh Y/n, I have to. I have to make a name for myself as a villain, and taking out a big-time hero like this will jump-start my career.” He tried to explain, but you just shook his head. “Now, it’s time. Aizawa-” You interrupted Shinso, keeping him from instructing Aizawa to jump. “You knew I’d get out of there. You know my quirk Shinso. You knew I’d get out. Why?” You asked as you kept walking towards him. “I… I want you to join me Y/n. There’s a little bit of me that still wants to become a villain, but I want to do it with you. Please. Join me.” He reached his hand out towards you, and you instantly grabbed it.

Walking towards him, you kissed him, and felt his hands grab onto your body. You could tell he wanted this, and you regretted what you would have to do next. You overpowered him, using every ounce of strength, and pushed him to the ground. “Hitoshi Shinso, you are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say can and will be used against you in the name of law.” You dragged handcuffs out of your pockets and whipped them around his hands, sitting on top of him as you did so. Before he could speak, you got out a piece of tape and stuck it to his mouth. As Shinso panicked, he lost control, and Aizawa quickly fell back onto the balcony, now fully awake and safe.

“Y/n… I don’t know what happened, he-” You patted his head, smiling softly at the adult man on the ground who was now shaken up and scared. “It’s fine now Aizawa, he’s not going to hurt a fly again. Right Shinny?” You slapped Shinso against the face very softly and smiled, knowing he was hating every second of this. “T-Thank you. I’m sorry about earlier, you did great, I-” You shushed Aizawa, feeling happy about your mission becoming a success. “Just doing my job. You may even call me your hero.”

The other students and faculty met up with you, all of them acquiring gas masks made by Momo herself, which she was very proud of. Mic was quick to hug Aizawa, and your girls were quick to hug you. They had been scared, not knowing if you were okay or not while they all struggled to get the door open. Finally, Momo had looked up how to make dynamite, and had blown up the doorway and the surrounding halls. Looking out onto everyone, you began to see everyone’s true nature again. Deku had been crying, Shinso had been keeping Izuku sane, Bakugo had been angry at you for going out on your own, and Kirishima was boasting about how manly you were to anyone who would listen. You only stopped for a second before looking down at the street to see Shinso being taken away in handcuffs. “Well, I’ve got to go. Duty calls.” You smiled at your girls, kissing them and beginning to walk away, hearing hoots, hollers, and farewells at your back.

You didn’t need to say goodbye, because it was not. Aizawa and Mic would send flowers to your office, Denki would want to play video games and catch up as if you were still teenagers, Bakugo and Kirishima would invite the Bakusquad over to grill out, you would see your girlfriends at home that night, Deku and Todoroki would want to have a couples getaway, Mina, Asui and Ochako would want to have a Girls Night out, and Iida… Well you saw Iida on missions a lot anyways, and you two were already heavily close. You were close with the entire class, and you were happy to see that even over 10 years, nothing had really changed about life.

Down at the street, you waved to your fellow cops before getting in the front seat next to your partner, and looking at the back mirror towards Shinso. “So… you’re a cop now?” He asked, watching you nod at his question. “Glad one of us is doing something with their life. Good for you.” He remarked as you looked out the window. In the side mirror, you could see Shinso begin to smile. He really was happy for you, and you knew that when he got out of jail, you’d be there for him to, hopefully to help him find his purpose in life too. Maybe he would find his own version of Momo and Jirou.

49 notes · View notes

night-dragon937 · 4 years

Text

I need to share my experience from a few hours ago (writing this at 2 am aug 24 2020) yesterday but first I'm going to slap a huge tw: abuse, Christianity/gay stuff, anxiety attacks, and yelling/screaming, transphobia/homophobia, self harm/cutting and a lot of cussing/swearing onto this. Like this is deeply religious and I'd rather not have discourse on my beliefs.

That should cover it...

Okay so it started out fine, my mom and i were just talking. She was drunk, and attempting to convince me that my asexuality meant that i was straight... But since she was drunk, I'mma give her that. There was a lot of aphobia but that's not what this is about She started telling me about her experience, and best i can describe it, she's a closeted demisexual biromantic lady with a preference for girls and a shit ton of internalized homophobia ("being sexually attracted to women's bodies more than men's doesn't make me lesbian, I'm still straight")

It was a mostly civil conversation, but it was adding onto my bad feelings from my dad the past several weeks making snide hurtful remarks about our religion and my sexuality and gender. Also using the f-slur against me when i had explained to him in the past how badly that word hurts me, to which he apologized profusely and said he'd never have used that word if he knew how it affected me. Obviously a lie, because he's still using it with full knowledge of the effects.

Back to my mom. She started getting into the religious side of it, but we managed to keep it civil, until the very end when she said she'd be praying for me and i said I'd be praying to help figure out who exactly i am, and she remarked "make sure you're praying to the right person" with a really threatening tone to her voice. At that point, i lost it, let her know that her saying that made me want to go back to cutting (in case she wasn't aware) and said that i needed a moment alone (or something along those lines, i was thrown head first into an anxiety attack and can't quite remember very well).

I ran upstairs as she tried to grab me and pull me back, but i managed to make it to my room. I went into a fetal position, because safe, but she came in and all i remember is her screaming repeating some question, i think, at me, me not being able to breathe, her hands squeezing my wrists way too tight, my wrist pinned to the carpet with her knee, the other with her hand as she tried to grab my jaw and force me to look at her.

Her touching me made the attack worse (hours later i still have marks and scratches) and i couldn't talk, think, or breathe. Somehow i was able to choke out repeated pleas for her to stop touching me because it was making everything worse. I don't know how long that lasted. But at some point she stopped grabbing me and just placed her hands on me and started praying in tongues. Like i was fucking demon possessed. Because i had an anxiety attack. Which my parents have been triggering in me for as long as i can remember.

I managed to sit up and get her to stop touching me, but she refused to be less than a foot away from me, even though i was going through a sensory overload and needed personal space. She finally trapped me into a corner of my room and put her arms on either side of me, one of them holding the door closed. She was screaming in my face and i was yelling over her, asking her to give me personal space and stop being so loud so that i could calm down, which she refused. I ended up very trapped and very uncomfortable and doing my best to not have another anxiety attack while replying to the most outlandish of her accusations, but mostly keeping my mouth shut in an attempt to get her to do the same.

She kept using my deadname, like usual, but it was worse for me for some reason at this point. I mentioned that and got yelled at more. I mentioned her pinning my wrists to the ground and got called a liar and she tried to make it so that i couldn't leave and grab a Kleenex until i admitted she was right and that i pinned myself to the ground (???). So i just started describing what i remembered until she got sick of it and let me go wipe my nose. She must have closed my door when she first came in. My dad (stepdad) was standing outside the door, eavesdropping, apparently.

I got a Kleenex but then my mom started yelling at me again, but i mostly just pretended to listen because i didn't want to have another anxiety attack. My dad started piping in and making me feel so much worse. He ended with saying "you're not a Christian. You don't believe in God. Even the devil believes in God." (Implying that I'm worse than the devil). At which point i started breaking down crying. And then i ran outside to have another anxiety attack but this time my mom just stood on the porch because the grass was wet and she was barefoot, but i curled up under the stars for who knows how long as i forced myself to do breathing techniques, and stim by rubbing the wet grass, which really helped ground me.

I went back inside when i was feeling better and got a drink of water and a Kleenex. And they started telling me how much they loved me and that i might not see it, but they were doing this out of love, because they were concerned for my eternity. I kept pointing out things they were doing that hurt me and better ways to do it (constructive criticism, so they know what's bad for me) and they repeatedly told me how much worse they could make it for me and that i should be glad they didn't make it worse. I pointed out that this didn't make their actions better and they said "doesn't make them wrong, either." Which ????? Victim blaming, abuse, what?

I brought up the times I've cried out to God for answers and the few times He's responded, (refusing my request for Him to kill me, telling me I'm not going to Hell for being gay/queer) bc they kept bringing up a few dubiously translated verses of the Bible and they told me that i was listening to the wrong person. That i was worshipping the wrong one. They heavily implied that i pray and worship the devil (disclaimer: i don't judge those who do, that's your life, I'm not gonna try and decide it for you, also i can admit that the church of Satan makes valid points and treats people right, from what I've seen, this is just a huge insult for them to throw at me specifically because of what I've been taught my whole life). Also invalidating my whole experience just because they don't like it.

They keep bringing up me being involved in the community (following queer people on social media, having one queer shirt, going to gsa-which they told me I'm not allowed to be a part of anymore-, having queer friends) as me seeking validation and attention, and that i shouldn't need validation and it shouldn't be about validation if I really think that this is who i am. Aka, because i am human and seek human things, i must be a total fake and fraud about all I've told them (very little). Meanwhile they do the exact same thing with their friends and social media and each other and everything.

My dad kept piping up with totally unrelated, totally unhelpful comments and tangents while my mom recited the same 5 min spiel for at least half an hour. My dad was saying how my grandparents aren't actually Christians because they agree with me that the world isn't black and white and there are some shades of gray, and because they believe once saved, always saved. That there is nothing you can do, as an imperfect human, to remove yourself from the infinite and unconscious love of God. (... I can't believe he fucking believes that humans have the ability to overrule God because it makes it easier for him to blame and condemn people he sees...)

These are the grandparents who have loved me regardless of my sexuality and gender, even tho they don't agree, and made me feel loved and gave me a place to go when i need to escape from my parents. They're the reason I'm keeping my mom's maiden name (since it hasn't been legally changed) because it's their last name, and it's them i want to honor, not my abusive shitty hateful stepdad. Unfortunately they are moving into assisted living because my papa is in a wheelchair, so i can't move in with them.

He ended that tangent with repeatedly telling me that i was not saved. That i was not a Christian. That i didn't believe in God. And that i was going to Hell. Repeatedly.

My mom made me hug her and made me tell her i love her. I ended up exercising to stop myself from becoming suicidal. I don't know if I'll tell anyone irl apart from the one irl friend i have on here. I'm not sure if I'm going to tell my therapist or not. I reached out to two of my christian friends after everything but they were both asleep. I needed to write this all down and put it somewhere public, just to be safe. I'm not safe in my own home and i can't move out because I'm a. Under 18 and b. Broke as hell

There was a lot more that happened, this lasted several hours, but i honestly can't remember all of the details besides what i typed out. Anyway so yeah i kinda wish i were dead but i also wanna stay alive for spite and show them that i can be a fabulous queer Christian and that the world is colorful, and you can't reduce that to monochrome and expect to have an even partially accurate view of the world. I want to help others like me, and help them feel better about myself.

I'm setting this as a queue so that if my parents take my phone away, they can't stop me from posting it (they have no clue how to look at queued posts) and also so that i can go to bed now and look at it again later and edit it

#tw abuse mention #blog post #tw yelling #tw transphobes #tw homophobes #tw cussing #tw cursing #tw swearing #tw anxiety attacks #tw christianity #tw self harm #tw cutting #rant tw #tw rant #long post

9 notes · View notes

cinnaminsvga · 3 years

Note

The game didn't say that someone couldn't ask you what you wanted to respond to people who send you that stuff in and that you couldn't respond to that message

So I guess save this until it's done (or do it now) and say everything you want to say to them here because I'm curious to your responses. I also agree on the show love to zee even without ask games agenda maybe we should all collectively start doing that again 👀

omg wait.... anon big brain THIS IS THE BEST.... thankfully one of us has the brain cell bc i’m definitely taking up your offer (and no need for the show love agenda HAJDKWKSL even just sending random asks about whatever is love enough for me!! being able to be weird with my anons is good enough for me 😎) anyway, everything is under the cut because this gets long LOL ILY ALL

first anon: OH MY GODDDD THE WAY MY EYES TEARED UP WHILE READING YOUR ASK HELLO????? if you’ve followed me since tlhc... i literally WAS just 18 back then and now i’m 21?? TIME ISN’T REAL?? i really can’t believe that there are people Out There who have followed me for so long,,, idk how to express myself well (which is funny bc i’m supposed to be a “writer” lol), but i just wanna say that i’ve always been scared of whether my followers actually like me or was just here to read my fics so hearing your words really helps me calm my anxiety a lil LMAO i’m just on this weird lil blog,,, writing my weird lil stories (and oversharing about my life and my poops as you said HJSADHJASHD i literally screamed when you said that bc damn you are so right) and i just hope that i come off friendly to people at the very least,,, so thank you dude (if we’ve spoken off anon before, i’m sure that i enjoyed whatever exchange we had since you sound like a genuinely awesome person,,, ily and i hope you have a great week!!

second anon: HAHAHHA YES I AM SUPER ANXIOUS!!! ALL THE TIME!!! i try to be funny but humor is subjective, yenno? i’m just glad i was able to find people who share the same kinda crackhead humor that i have :3 and you’re so right,,, what’s life without a little spicy angst? and dw about parasocial relationships HAJSDHASJ like,,, i know you’re on anon and i have no idea who you are, but if you (or any anon really) have sent me a nice ask in the past, even just to say hello or whatever, i kinda already consider you a friend?? like MAYBE you’re just a wooper in my brain (i imagine all my anons like woopers LOL) but the fact that you took the time to send me anything in the first place is just??? like WOW you thought of me??? that’s amazing and i have no words,,, thank you so much and i hope we can continue to speak with each other more!!

third anon: ah yes... my main genre of crangst... but it seems like the past two years have transformed me into a fluff smut writer as well... shows that i’m growing at least LOL gotta expand my horizons or whatever... BUT I’M SO GLAD YOU LIKE FOX RAIN LIKE,,, ANYTIME FOX RAIN GETS MENTIONED, MY HEART GROWS TEN MORE SIZES LIKE ;-; i know authors whine all the time about notes, but fox rain really is my babey and i just wish more people liked her, yenno? so i’m glad you’re able to enjoy it (and living vicariously thru y/n because aren’t we all? LMAO) and i hope you’ll stick around until the next chapter of fox rain gets published (whenever.... that may be.... sweats)

fourth anon: LOL i have a guess as to who this is but imma keep my mouth shut in case i’m wrong,,, but if i’m right, then yea i’m glad to have been your mutual for so long SAJDHJASHD i think we’ve been mutuals since??? 2018?? maybe 2019??? either way, that’s a LONG TIME and i’m always happy to see you in my notifs. it’s so wonderful to see you grow over the years and i know you’re only going to be much greater with due time!! stay epic and phroggers, my dude,,, ily

fifth anon: ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE WRITERS PLEASE... I AM GOING TO CRY ;-----; if you’ve been following me since outcast, that’s like??? early 2018??? late 2017??? HOLY SHIT THAT’S ALSO BEEN A WHILE,,, god i remember how fucking insane that time was and how many memes i made about that au LOL they were good days,,, i’m flattered you think i was funny enough for a follow,,, and that you’ve stuck around until now even though you’re not even into kpop anymore??? which is SO CRAZY bc that means ;-; that you’re here ;-; because you... y-you like me? 😳👉👈 LMAO ok but in all seriousness, it always boggles my mind to know that people follow me for like... me... because as someone who doesn’t really have many friends outside of social media, knowing that people out there like me enough to follow me despite not liking bts or kpop anymore is... just nothing short of amazing. so thank you for sticking around, and i hope you can continue to hang out with me on this silly little blog 🥲

#GOSH THAT FELT GOOD TO GET OFF MY CHEST LOL #that ask game was SO HARD omg #i never realized how much i need to talk HAHASHJDHJAS #which is funny bc i don't write.... nor do i tweet that often.... so where is this need to talk coming from.... LOL #anyway tldr to all my followers whether silent or active: i love you all #thank you for sticking around with me for however long #and i hope we can continue to make more happy memories together :D #ask game #Anonymous #answered

1 note · View note

sincerelymarinette · 5 years

Text

A Recorded Life (17/50) - Miraculous Ladybug

Words: 1841 Chapter Summary: Chat Noir and Ladybug watch the video Chat got to be in, and he is excited out of his mind! Following that, Marinette gives Alya a fun gift for their friendship anniversary- does she regret it? Even if she does, her fans will still freak out over the gift. Author's Note: i LOVE writing the comments on Mari's videos. they're so much fun to just fangirl and i live for it. also i went from having no pre written parts to like 5 so yall better be ready some shiz is about to start

Prev / Next / Masterlist

Alya Made Us Do It...Reading Fanfiction

---

Ladybug walked the rooftops as she waited for Chat Noir to appear. She knew he would, he was so excited about the video, and she knew he wanted her to see it.

It was only a few minutes of Ladybug walking around until she heard Chat Noir land behind her. "Ladybug! She posted the video!" He called out to her.

"Why else would I be out here? I want to see it," Ladybug replied.

"Perfect," Chat Noir nodded to the bag around his shoulder. "I brought a screen a little bigger than your yo-yo," He chuckled.

The two found a secluded spot so they could sit and watch the video, and Chat Noir was buzzing with excitement. He was grateful that Marinette decided to upload the video, despite all the people that would ship them together. He, as Adrien, knew she was unsure of posting it, and he was glad he could convince her to go through with it.

He pulled his computer out of the bag and quickly pulled up the video. "Hey! I'm Marinette!" The video started, a big smile on Chat's face. Marinette had already seen this video a hundred times through editing, but it was a whole different experience hearing Chat Noir talk about everything that went on and pause the video every few seconds.

Marinette had yet to look at many of the comments, since she had only posted it a few minutes before, but she was sure it was already flooded. She saw the few before she transformed, but she was sure more were produced by the second.

She was excited that Chat Noir was so happy with the video and she knew he would be talking to her about it for the next month.

---

Directly following Alya's birthday was her's and Marinette's friendship anniversary. They had a nice dinner together and watched all the movies they could get in on a school night, bringing it back to the times before life got crazy.

But now, a day after, it was the real-time for Marinette to give Alya her present. She told Alya a few weeks ago she could choose a video topic for them, and she was not going to veto it. Marinette got her a real gift as well, but this was a bonus. She regretted it immediately when she saw Alya's sinister smile.

For some reason, Adrien and Nino were also there for the video. This only worried Marinette more about what Alya picked to do.

"Hi! I'm Marinette!" She greeted the camera as her three friends sat around her. "And I have no clue what we are doing today. For our friendship anniversary, I let her choose a video, and I had to go through with it. All I know is that she has a sinister look, a bulky folder, and Nino and Adrien are here," She said as the boys waved and turned to Alya. "Would you care to explain?"

Alya rubbed her hands together and held the folder against her chest. "I've seen a lot of YouTuber's do this, and I have been dying to get you to do it, but I knew you would never agree," She set up the scene. "I love your fanbase; everyone is great. I scoured the internet for the best things for this video, and have selected five. We are reading fanfiction about us," Alya declared.

"What?" Marinette screamed as Adrien and Nino started giggling in the background.

"Trust me, boys, neither of you are safe," Alya confirmed to them. "And Nino, just because we're together doesn't mean you get it easy. There is only one Alya 'x' Nino, and it's in the background of an Adrienette story," Alya winked, then turned back to the camera. "Yes, I have read these to make sure they are suitable. And yes, I have a secret Marinette fan account."

Marinette sat in embarrassment with her head in her hands, not sure how this whole event would go. Alya opened the folder and passed around scripts. "We'll start easy," She said, and on the top of the paper, it read ALYANETTE. "The only ship in this is Marinette and me; you guys are just extra characters."

Nino sat back in his chair. "Oh, thank god."

"Just wait, Nino," Alya joked to her boyfriend. Adrien was quiet, not sure how to react to this whole situation. He was surprised Marinette was actually letting Alya go through with this.

"Let's just get this over with," Marinette said as she tried to hide her beet-red face. "Who's narrating?"

Adrien looked up. "I can," He volunteered. And with that, the story began.

Marinette felt like she was having an out of body experience reading the lines and acting out with her friends. She had ideas of what Alya could have chosen, but nothing prepared her for all that was to come. The one between her and Alya was adorable, and she wasn't too nervous, but it was when she brought out the one with ADRIENETTE written on the top. Marinette had mainly got over her crush on Adrien since they are such good friends now, but the butterflies in her stomach proved different.

Alya started narrating as the scene was being set up and she could tell they were getting nervous to read their parts. Luckily, it started out with Nino and Alya talking about getting the two together, so it gave them some time to prepare mentally. Alya was eating this up, because she would do this exact thing in the story if she could. Marinette knows her plans and can stop her before she even starts, trying to prove she doesn't like Adrien like that anymore.

Between the tomato colored faces and slight stuttering, Alya was sure this was going to cause never-ending stories about them, and she was perfectly happy with that. She did, however, let them finish the story a little earlier because it was becoming a bit much. "I'll let you guys off the hook this time, but that's become I'm about to pull out the big guns!" She pulled out her next story, with a big MARICHAT written on the top. "Of course, I will be playing the role of Chat Noir. I have figured out the Ladybug and Chat Noir fanfiction writers have come up with how they are outside of costume. And for some reason, they believe Chat Noir's name is Felix. So, I will be portraying Felix Noir," Alya winked at Marinette.

Adrien felt a sigh of relief wash over him when Alya said she would be reading for Chat Noir. Sure, she had no reason to make him read for Chat, but it was still freaking him out with the possibility. He's pretty sure he blacked out while that whole story was being read.

The team suffered through Alya's evil plans as they finished reading the stories. The second Adrienette story was more fluff, and it seemed like it was an all-around friends story, it didn't hit too much romance, which was a nice break. The last story came out of nowhere: A Nino and Marinette story. Some people really liked the idea that they've known each other the longest in the group and would write about that. There were only a few, but all of them were adorable. It was probably the most fun for the group to read.

"And...that was my last one," Alya announced and let the group breath. "For now. If the people like this though, maybe we'll do one of those Tumblr things where we look up our names and ships to see what people post! Right, Marinette?" She pleaded, making puppy-dog eyes.

Marinette sighed loudly. "If it's what the people want," She gave in. "Make sure to leave a comment if you'd like us to do something like this again in the future. And don't forget to like and subscribe for more! You can check out all our social media with the links on our faces, or all of our information in the description. Thank you guys for watching, and this was a lesson never to give Alya control over a video again!" Marinette ended, getting up to shut off the camera.

Switching back into French mode, she grabbed a pillow and screamed into it. "NEVER LET ALYA CONTROL THINGS AGAIN!"

"But it was so much fun!" Alya argued, also back in French.

"Interesting is the word," Adrien said.

Nino sat there, staring as he waited for this whole day to be over. He was scarred.

---

ALYA KNOWS WHAT WE WANT AND WE WANT FANFICTION i need them on tumblr next

i literally ship all of these this was the best video i have ever watched thank you Alya you are a god

im still stuck on the fact that Alya says she has a fan account for Marinette. She's among us. you can't trust anyone!!!

I have a feeling Marinette knows Chat Noir's true identity. When Alya starts talking about the fandom's names for them, she tensed up when she talked about Felix. Is this a hint that his name is actually felix? Or confirmation that it isnt? Either way, she knows

So marinette when are you gonna tell us you and chat noir are a thing

mariNETTE DO YOU KNOW WHO CHAT NOIR IS? ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER?

i would literally do anything for her to tell us she knows who chat is and/or confirm the rumors of their relationship

You aren't even trying to hide it anymore that you and chat noir are dating, are you? First, the video with him. You always defend him to the end. Then we get some pictures of chat leaving your balcony. Now we get you reading a fanfic of you and him. give up the secret already!

Me: I love adrienette and would die for them You: *indirectly makes it clear that you and chat noir are dating* Me: I love adreinette and would die for them

To all you people saying marichat is a thing, don't you realize they only read one marichat fic but TWO adrienette fics? If anything, adrienette is more likely. that or alya is just pushing them lol

marinette please confirm or deny your relationship status. it's tearing the fandom apart with all the debates. please. also, the fandom is exploding bc people think you know who chat noir is. please confirm or deny before we all split!!!

Marinette sat back in shock as she read the sea of comments on the fanfiction video. Where was all of this coming from? What did she do to imply she knows Chat Noir under the mask, let alone make her fans think they are dating? She was freaking out, and as much as Tikki tried to calm her down, nothing was working. She needed to talk to someone, and knew Alya was stressed about school and probably sleeping. Scrolling back up past her name, she clicked the second "A" contact in her list. She just needed someone to talk to.

---

@lady-of-the-roses-and-lilies @bookishserendipity03 @avatheexceed @gkz10 @coccinellegirl @kat-thatoneweirdo @strawberryblondish @snow-swordswoman @lilgaga98 @evufries

75 notes · View notes

leatherjacketvan · 6 years

Text

5/25/18

[REQUESTED]

“i actually requested this before but maybe it never actually sent bc the app is faulty :-// but maybe you’re a singer as well, music you wouldn’t expect like BANKS or something but Van publicly says he likes you and is a massive fan or whatever? Fans go crazy and start shipping, eventually meeting, lots of cuteness!!?”

- - - - -

Hope you enjoy! Not my best work but because exams had been stressing me tha fucc out but school is over! So expect better writings in your near future! :)

- - - - -

It all started with a sentence.

“Yeah she’s great, I love her.”

And ever since those few simple words were spoken. The media had been in a frenzy over making Van and Y/N a ‘thing.’ She didn’t even know who he was at the time. So when Y/N’s PR manager told her about the boost in her ratings and the extreme rise in her popularity on social media platforms due to the interview, she was left completely awestruck.

“Wait, who is this again?” She asked Gwen. Her longtime good friend as well has her PR manager. She didn’t like to consider Gwen, her ‘manager.’ The same way she didn’t like to consider her fans, fans. They were all supportive friends in her eyes. And she valued them all the same.

“His name is Van. . . Lead singer of Catfish and the Bottlemen.” Gwen replied.

“Catfish and the Bottlemen? I don’t think I’ve ever heard of them before.” Y/N said as Gwen handed her a tablet playing the very interview of Van talking about Y/N and her music.

“She’s amazing. Something about her music just really stands out to me. Not something many artists these days do, ya know? I think she shows a certain sort of vulnerability that’s still really mysterious, so people are able to relate to it. I really admire her. So I’d say. . . Yeah, she’s great, I love her.”

Y/N was taken aback with shock as well as the feeling of fulfillment. In all honesty, she was flattered that someone way better respected in the music industry would say such endearing things.

“Well, he’s definitely heard of you.” Gwen giggled as Y/N handed her back the tablet.

“What happens now?” Y/N questioned.

“I suppose only time will tell. . .”

- - - - -

2 years later.

In two years a lot had changed. And that was putting it lightly. Y/N had come out with her sophomore album that people seemed to love more than the first. Her following had boomed dramatically. And the whole ‘Y/N and Van’ concurrence had still been going on, however, had died down a little bit. The social media platform was practically the birth of their ‘relationship.’ Interviews had even occurred where questions upon questions about either Van or Y/N were mentioned. But even after all this time, the two still hadn’t met. Gwen called it a ‘forbidden romance’ Y/N said she didn’t believe in that.

The fans from both sides either loved the idea of Y/N and Van together or hated it. She didn’t really mind what the fans thought of the situation because they weren’t together. It was all some wild fantasy portrayed by a few simple words. She knew that’s how high-status life was lived. By rumors. Therefore, she tried to act like the whole issue didn’t exist. It wasn’t exactly the healthiest way to deal with it. But it was the easiest.

Van, on the other hand, did mind.

It bothered him more than he liked to admit to. He’d always been a helpless romantic. Anyone who knows him, knew that. But lately he found it hard to feel so intensely. The songwriting and nomadic lifestyle suited him well. He loved it. However, it drained him. Both emotionally and physically. So the fact the he could still even feel this way. Feel so passionately? It was like his heart was on viagra. He didn’t understand it. It frustrated him at times. But in a way, he was glad that he felt this way. He loved the idea of Y/N. He loved the way she smiled, and the music she made. It was nice to think about an idea that maybe, just maybe he could still fall in love. Maybe with her? Maybe with someone who could understand what he’s feeling. It was just a thought. A wild one at best. But it was comforting. So it never really left his mind. The idea of her was always there in the back of his brain. He never let it go.

Y/N had just started her tour for her new album. She had a lot of sleepless nights and didn’t really have time to think about where she was headed, who she was seeing, and what she was doing. After two months, she finally got a break. She got a week to rest up before she had to fly back to the States for the second part of the tour. . . Or at least she thought she did.

“Oh my god!” Gwen screamed from the hotel bed right next to Y/N’s.

Y/N had finally come down from her caffeine high that had been keeping her awake these past few weeks and was finally able to doze off. She was just on the verge of some peaceful rest when she heard Gwen yell.

“Oh my god, what!?” Y/N retorted, a little frustrated from lack of sleep.

“Guess who’s in town?” Gwen blurted, excitedly.

“Gwen, you know I’m no good at guessing stuff.” Y/N sighed heavily.

“It’s your boyfriend!” Gwen squealed.

“My who?” Y/N replied, dumbfounded.

“Catfish and the Bottlemen are playing here! Tomorrow!” Gwen said.

“Oh, not this stuff again. . . He said he liked my music like. . . Two years ago. . . How is that still relevant?”

“Oh, honey, when it comes to celebrity gossip. Rumors never die.” Gwen replied.

“What rumors?” Y/N replied, once again, dumbfounded. She never paid much attention to social media.

“Oh. . . Just how you’re dating. . . or how you’re possibly engaged. . . or that you might be having his baby. . ? It’s absolutely crazy some of the lies people are able to sell to the public.” Gwen said.

Y/N laughed at the absolutely ridiculous situation she now found herself in.

“So what does this mean? I meet up with him? Go out with him? What if he’s an asshole? What if he doesn’t even actually like me?” Y/N questioned with a raised brow.

“I guess we’ll have to find out,” Gwen said.

“Yeah. . . And how is that?”

“In the two minutes we’ve been talking, I already bought tickets to the show and sent an email to their PR manager,” Gwen smirked.

Y/N groaned dramatically. “You know I love you. . . But right now I think I really really hate you.”

Internally Y/N was screaming with anxiety and nerves. She really didn’t want to meet Van. She felt it would stir up more rumors and give her even more attention than she already gets from just being these days. But she also was relieved. Relieved it might finally all be over. That meeting this ‘Van’ from ‘Catfish and the Bottlemen’ would put the rumors to rest.

She had a lot of faith to test.

- - - - -

The next day

Y/N still hid the fact that she was fearful of the what the night would entail. She sat on her balcony overlooking the beautiful city with a bottle of rum and a glass. She was pre-gaming as well as trying to kill the nerves built up inside of her.

It was around time to leave to go to the show. Gwen had managed VIP access so that they wouldn’t get spotted in the crowd and become trampled. Gwen also managed a private meetup with the band. The thought of that made Y/N’s whiskey glass go bottoms up.

Y/N decided to dress casual. It was warm outside. She settled for a pair of slacks and a cropped blouse. She wore light makeup, trying to remain as natural and as casual as possible. She didn’t want to meet him in full glamor or anything intense. She wanted to be as real as she could manage. Maybe he would see that. . . and not be interested. Maybe he would see that Y/N’s not all she makes herself out to be. That really everything about her is the media’s facade of who she really is. And that she’s very normal like everyone else.

Gwen and Y/N walked majority of the way. Y/N insisted on fresh foreign air. But Gwen insisted on a taxi after walking for three blocks, because she decided she was going to wear heels on their three-mile walk to the arena just to stand in said heels for the entire concert as well as the private aftershow. Gwen’s priorities weren’t always straight but she tried her best.

When they arrived at the arena, Y/N and Gwen snuck around back. Gwen introduced herself to security and they escorted the both of them to the backstage entrance.

“Wow. I don’t think I’ve performed on a stage this big before.” Y/N mumbled, awestruck.

“You will one day.” Gwen smiled.

Y/N smiled back. Gulping down the nervousness one last time.

By the time they got there the band was halfway through their set. They sat on the side of the stage. Y/N remained cautious about staying out of the way of any potential camera angles that could spot her. She moved along to the rhythm, next to her was Gwen making a whole mess of herself. They both drank about the same amount. Y/N was always better at holding her liquor though. Gwen was a lightweight. She was even more fun and quirky when intoxicated. So the fact that she was doing the robot to Cocoon was no surprise. Y/N occasionally glanced over at Gwen, only to look back on the four lads performing their hearts out on stage. She didn’t expect to get Van’s attention till after the show. But when he saw her, his heart sank. He looked over at the side of the stage where she was standing. Missing a few verses of the song. He almost forgot where he was when he saw her face. In person. Finally. Her.

He knew that she was coming to the show that night. But that still somehow managed to catch him off guard. So he put on his best cologne despite the fact he was just going to sweat it off. He wore a white button up with the top button undone and a pair of skinny jeans.

He tried to look as proper as he could when he first met her. Hoping she’d noticed that he tried on his appearance, just for her.

When the set was over. Y/N and Gwen had disappeared. He said his goodbyes and they all walked off the stage. They all made it back to the dressing room where they were greeted by their PR manager, Y/N, and Gwen.

Gwen went up and introduced herself. Y/N waved a shy ‘hello.’ She stood back as Gwen stated her relationship to Y/N and the situation they had found themselves in. How they just happened to be in the city and knew that after all the media coverage it would be great to finally meet the band. Y/N nodded in agreement. But didn’t say anything.

They all took seats on the dressing room couches. Y/N sat next to Gwen who sat next to Bondy. An instant spark occurred between the two. They were both flirts. He was contempt and casual. She was the total opposite. But opposite in a way that would attract one another. Every in the room took note of that.

The night carried on, everyone drank and drank. The liquor seemed never-ending. She didn’t even realize how much she had to drink until nausea washed over her. It was something that happened when she used substances to avoid her problems. It was like a way of her grief telling her to ‘deal with it the right way.’

“Hey, I think I’m gonna go grab a smoke.” Y/N mumbled.

Van was laid back in his comfy chair when he finally heard her. The whole night she had just been going along with the conversation. She never really put her input on things. When Van talked. Which was a lot less than he usually did. She never gave him direct eye contact. He didn’t expect things to go like this. He always expected her to be very extroverted and confident. Which she didn’t display any signs of at all. She was so reserved and poise. He didn’t need to know her to know that wasn’t her. So when she mentioned going out for a smoke he took his shot.

“Want me to join?” He asked.

“No, it’s alright.” She replied.

“I think the fresh air will be nice.” She spoke getting up abruptly. Leaving. No one seemed to notice. They were all to busy in conversation to really care. But Van did.

Y/N quickly paced through the backstage area of the amphitheater. She found the exit that led her into the alleyway that she came in. She walked towards the street light. It was quiet outside. So quiet she could hear the wind sway. She didn’t even know the time, but it was late enough for even the nightlife to have had died down. She tried to take a deep breath. But was stopped by the rumbling in her stomach. She couldn’t remember the last time she ate, or how much liquor she had consumed. Her nerves were still there. It was all too much. So much that it expelled out of her like vomit. Literally.

This is not how she had planned her night to go. And that only made it worse was the. . .

“Jesus, are you okay love?”

Coming from behind her.

“Fuck.” She muttered as she wiped the gunk off her chin.

Her eyes were all watered up and she just felt like taking a nap on the very ground beneath her and wishing this night had never happened.

She felt hands on her shoulders helping her stand still as she slowly stood back up straight.

“Yeah, I’m fine. All good.” She said, shakily.

“I think I’m just going to call a cab.” Y/N spoke to Van as she reached for her phone.

Van just looked at her with this sort of hurt in his eyes. She quickly looked away. She held down the home button on her phone. But it was dead. Of course.

“I’m going to call us a cab, love. Make sure you get home safe.” Van spoke softly.

This what not what Y/N had expected him to be like. So calm and caring. Maybe he wasn’t the hypothetical asshole after all.

Van called a cab and gave them the address. Y/N curled up against the brick wall beside her and tried to calm down.

‘This isn’t really happening.’

‘This is all just some fucked up dream. . . Right?’

Van crouched down beside her. Handing her a half-empty bottle of water.

“Here, I usually bring one with me to put my butts out in. I think you probably need it more than I do though.” He grinned nervously.

Y/N took the kind gesture and shyly took the bottle from Van’s hand. Gulping it down and sighing.

“I’m sorry, this is. . . So, so embarrassing.” Y/N muttered looking at the ground.

“It’s alright. I don’t mind. . . I mean this isn’t what I expected our first time meeting to be like, but. . . well, life is pretty unexpected.” He said.

Y/N chuckled. “Yeah, I guess so. . .” She spoke.

She looked over at Van, making eye contact this time. He looked at her back. She never knew how blue his eyes were until she saw them under a full moon in the early morning hours. A very rare occurrence at best.

“You got a little something.” He mumbled as he slowly moved his hand towards her cheek. He used his thumb to wipe the tear dripping down her face. She hadn’t really been crying. It was more of a physiological reaction to when she became stressed. Or maybe that was her dumb excuse for ‘I’m not crying.’

She gave off a shy laugh and a sniffle. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” He replied with a grin.

They sat in a short moment of silence until the taxi pulled up. Van held the door for her as she not-so-agilely, plopped into the seat. Instantly leaning her head against the window.

Van got in behind her. And they drove off back to the hotel.

- - - - -

When they arrived he got out and opened the door for her once again. He slung his arm behind her to help as she sloppily walked towards the entrance of her hotel.

“Van, you really don’t have to do this. I got it from here.” She said secretly embarrassed.

“I don’t mean to spook ya, but you’re really drunk Y/N. I don’t know if you’ll be able to find your own room. . . I’ll walk you there, and then we never have to see each other again.”

“Why would you want that?” Y/N retorted.

“Oh- I assumed. . . That’s what you wanted.” Van spoke shyly.

“Of course not. I’d love to see you again. Just. . . on better terms.” She groaned as another wave of nausea hit.

Van smiled. Internally his heart felt like exploding.

“Of course.” He replied.

Van helped Y/N as they stumbled up to her room. Walking up the stairs because the hotel was ‘Rustic’ themed and decided against elevators.

When they made it to her room she fidgeted in her bag for her key card. Once she grabbed it she turned around to face Van, who was really close.

Face to face they stood. After all this time. All the controversy. All the rumors. They stood here. Together. He thought it was just a dream she did too but in a totally different construct.

“Thank you.” She murmured to him. Meeting him in the eye.

“No problem. Anytime.” He chuckled back. Putting his hands in his pockets.

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Y/N said.

“Course.”

“Would you mind hugging me? I feel really weak from all the barf and stuff. Sometimes it helps.” She said in all seriousness.

He didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around her. He held her tight. Lightly tracing his lips on her forehead.

She slowly inched her arms around his waist and there they stood. In a foreign country.

Together.

After all this time.

She slowly let go. His heart ached a big ‘no’. Knowing that he’d have to get on a plane that afternoon. Not knowing the next time he’d see her face.

“Goodnight, Van.” She spoke softly as she disappeared into her dark room like an apparition in the night light.

“Goodnight.” He replied. As the door slowly shut.

Till next time. . .

Goodnight.

#vanmccann #McCann #catb #Catfish and the Bottlemen #van mccann #fanfiction #fanfic #request

29 notes · View notes

honeyydutchesss · 3 years

Text

I was upset internally at my friend for asking about the past, but I’m really just mad at myself because i’m getting mad a friend for imposing on a boundary that livee in ny head. I should have stated my boundary right then and there, but I didn’t. And I think that’s because I am still unconsciously behaving a learned habit, which is keeping a smile on and blurting out something random to move the convo along when I should just take time to understand how i feel about the moment, and take my timr in responding so i can respond in a manner that my future self will thank me for. And while i was a little irked at that, it makes me realize that i still have more deep work to do.

Ultimately, I choose to move forward and keep the past in the past. And enjoy my life.

Another thing I want to touch on is this spirituality trend and social media. I LOVE that people all over the world are sharing and gaining skillsets to change their lives for the better, and that includes my friends. I love that they’ve found themselves through spirituality. What i don’t love is the jumble of confusion between spirituality, conspiracy theories, and overall ill-informed conversations by way of social media. Parroting things that you read from social media. I can tell because i too am on social media! The convo i had just felt like two very ill-informed ppl talking on subjects they know nothing about, and i say two people because yes I am one of them. And i’m glad i can hold myself accountable bc at the end of the day I am stepping more and more into the woman I envision myself being. And she is EXTREMELY well-informed. So to remedy this, I am going to get off Twitter like I said last month. Not sure if i should delete it completely. I think I’m holding onto it as a marketing to for my future endeavors but honestly, real business happens outside of social media anyway......and the other reason is bc whenever i want a mental break from a task or something i’ll just look at twitter. But i’m sure there are better ways i could spend my breaks and fill my time with things that are more useful.

The last thing i want to say is that i feel constantly bombarded with spirituality 24/7, in both my digital life (social media) and personal life (friends). Its like i can never have a real conversation w out it being brought up, and tbh its bothersome and irritating bc its like sometimes, i just want to be my full self, and talk about shit other than that. Its exhausting sometimes tbh. It nakes me just want to not talk to people for at least a full month. And just be by myself.

The ultimate last thing I will say is that I want my spirituality to be completely my own. It is sacred, and it is for me only. Because it is my own relationship with God that I am cultivating and walking this path with. Nothing needs to be shared about it. No one is entitled to this work. It is purely my own.

0 notes

talesfromacrip · 4 years

Text

Tea Time With Yours Truly:

Don’t you love it when you finally realize you’re truly moving on from a toxic situation like the adult you are, when a song you like makes you rethink your visions, feelings, etc. of someone?? or it that me? everything starts to feel entirely new again though regardless. better n’ cooler bc you know you’re not suffering anymore.. just, a fantastic feeling. woo

fucking incredible. I’m F R E E. absolutely free. still hurts though. some things made me realize I should’ve done it sooner and I did. as best I could, i did.I tried all I could and I succeeded for the most part,but damn do they haunt me so badly. I hate it.

Go away, pest. the last 5/6 years have been an emotional roller coaster for me and I want off.somehow I did,the ride still catching me occasionally and pulling me back on, dragging me to the unknown

((some good things happened here n’ there like me meeting some friends I still talk toooo, playing new games and finding new animes))

it’s just good to know though that my mind doesn’t associate them with anything anymore bc they didn’t deserve anything much tbh. just like told me

———

I really want to bug my online buds constantly. From when I get up to when I fall asleep. send them memes, all that funky jazz..but I don’t. I can’t. I feel like I’m too clingy.. too needy.

I AM ACTUALLY. I shouldn’t care, but I do. Maybe it’s because I’m too emotional, too sensitive, too much, blah, blah, blah. Something "bad". Shit the grump hated that has just stuck to me like black balloons since. (( NF is the same with his mental issues. I’m glad to know I’m not alone with thinking of depression, anxiety, etc. as black balloons. Their like lifeless weights, but we still feel them weighing us down))

I love constant communication, especially from close friends.. bug me. 24/7. whenever, whatever. I don’t do anything. much that is. I’m overwhelmed when communicating nowadays so help me out pls??or not><

I don’t ask for it much though bc i was put down for asking for it. I was always told to say certain things as well, not think a certain way, send things at certain times. nothing nsfw even though we where adults. no art much bc it was always judged, other dumb shit.. I felt like the ultimate fucking bother bc of that.. person.

So I stayed to myself because of that and that made me worse ove time.

((I drove some people away when I did and I still am I feel,but I’m trying not too.. I couldn’t deal with myself though, I felt absolutely horrible. When I did, I said some nasty shit and I regret it all because a prick made me feel like complete shit and worthless about myself. I didn’t have to take it out on others like that, but wow.. I did. If I told anyone though,he’d come after me and that was what I didn’t want.. so nice huh?))

I felt like a broken down old dog. I still feel like that occasionally not as bad. not a pleasant feeling at all though

Are all of the things that make me like this really that bad or annoying or make me even less though?? fuck no it doesn’t. It makes me wayyyy better and much more cooler honestly, but those feelings still linger bc the manipulation was so bad..

—

Why the hell would you want me to be boring or better yet be with a boring person who doesn’t talk much and puts others down for similar behavior??

Why would I be with someone who doesn’t share any interests with me much or puts mine down bc they’re childish or unnecessary??

Why would I be with someone that doesn’t communicate anything at all and whatnot,like...please tell me??

I’m genuinely fucking interested.

They told me I was always being too nice all the time. too soft, too babyish. too honest. too sensitive. blah, blah, blahhh. whenever I said something that was tooo personal or informative it’s like: "That’s too much information don’t ya think??" UMM, N O?? "Don’t say that around me ever or I’ll unfriend you and never speak to you again." Okay.. THEN DO IT, PUSSY.

Fucking asshat, douche canoe looking ass cunt.. ((He didn’t like those words or almost any word tbh it seems. true killjoy, I swear and I thought I was. I couldn’t even say oh my god or anything with lord in it because he’d then start saying "why are you saying that when you’re an atheist?" Umm actually I’m agnostic.. ))

he hated the whole "umm actually" deal too that I would do.. literally drove me up the damn wall every time. who fucking cares if I say that?? I’ve been accustomed to it because of my parents and people in general. come the fuck on now

It’s pretty common to say, twit. Don’t take it seriously, joke or not to piss me off to make you happy..man, he irritated the hell out of me and I’m glad he’s gone. like..look ‘bud’ should I just be angry and a constant liar and hateful and just, overall vile like you then all the time?? Guess so huh!! ohh boy!!

Which was almost that unfortunately.. i’m not good at lying and all like you though, you snake. when I did it wasn’t how I was feeling, it was how you felt.. which disgusted me.

I was always honest to you. maybe a few lies, but those were mostly about certain games that I didn’t really play and what I was laughing at. which was your dumb ass most of the time.

He made me start to hate things that made me very happy by being a total prick about it.. I miss feeling overwhelmed with overflowing joy for the things that bring and brought me peace.

I still have it, but it’s not as strong as it was before because some dumb fuck stepped on it too much telling me I’m weak in the process.

I couldn’t like anything anymore much without hearing him yelling at me occasionally and others as well that I never noticed till everything happened. just,yelling at me loudly and telling me how awful i am and other annoying, idiotic shit.. maybe that was your plan all along , to ruin me. ruin my confidence, my strength and my will to move up and thrive in life..

you tried dragging me down your well for being myself when you couldn’t.. pathetic. I bet you’re happy bc you feel like you ‘succeeded’ with this,but you didn’t win the war.

You never will

———

they always manipulated me to dislike the things in life that made me happy. This irritated me a lot.. ((my interests in obscure and ‘buttrock’ bands/music in general, anime, weird games, my love for peculiar art, my badass friends..))

said absolute dumb shit if I got closer to some more than them. ((making me waste sooo much god damn time. say you’re busy all the time even though you live a "boring fucking same day to day lifestyle." tell them how you can’t message all the time when in fact you can and that you’re constantly on the only device that gets you connected to the world outside. tell them.)) makin me lie and be distant about how I felt with some of my amazing friends..

It was never about how I truly felt, but how they felt for me. (("Ohh they made you feel like that?? Well, it made me feel like this and you should too because //insert dumb explanation here//.", "You shouldn’t feel like that towards them, they don’t deserve it.", "Maybe I deserve to be treated like that instead, screw them.", "Don’t feel like that towards them or //issue//, thats absolutely appalling, childish, flat out sappy.", "Don’t let them know how you’re really feeling.. just act like you don’t care at all. They don’t care to help you anyway or else you’d be living a better life.", "They’ll just spread it around so just stay quiet instead until spoken too about it."))

E N D ME !!!

Pls, I beg of you.. not really but the thoughts though, please

———

he would tell me to not bug him when hes on a game, but he could to me. even on social media, which is how we stayed connected and not by messenger pigeons like it’s the 1500’s.

"Don’t bug me on FB when I’m not on." Okay, but I wanna share this with you...?? also, how the hell am I gonna know when you’re on when I’m drawing and trying to occupy my on edge brain??

proceeds to spam me shit in process irritating me. "Don’t bug me, don’t bug me" I hear like a whiny little baby.

"Why do you bug me all the time??" UMM, MAYBE BECAUSE I CARE AND I WANT TO UHHH, IDK SHARE THIS NEAT SHIT WITH YOU??? PENDEJO PUTA DE MIERDA!!

"I’ll message you and send invites when I feel like it." - Shithead towards the end. Circa 1818. ((Yeah, weeks or a month later like nothing happened. "I’ll see you later or tonight when I see you on, get back on, when I’m done eating" just, excuse after excuse..))

((IM ALWAYS FUCKIN ONLINE 24 GAT DAMN 7. YOU KNOW THIS, SHITHEAD. I ALWAYS WANT TO TALK TO YOU OR SOMEONE IN THE DAMN GROUP. DNT FUCK WIT ME, MY TIME, OR PATIENCE LIKE THAT ANYMORE. ENOUGH. S T O P. And it did.. thank g o d))

———

would literally make me wait around and feel like a complete and utter fool when instead he could’ve messaged and been like maybe tomorrow or something, but no.. nothing. made me believe in all sorts of dumb shit. ((Sad I did, but I was pretty gullible. still am. some stuff was just, a big nope though and obvious. I wouldn’t let him get to me that much, but he did in some ways.. disgusting ..))

I was made to feel like I was cared for when in fact I never was to begin with. explains a lot tbh. I felt like a disgusting half empty shell of a person with barely any fragments of a heart and soul left inside. that’s very dark, I know, but that’s how it feels in a way

"It’s not real, this depression you’re feeling, it’s just a phase. it’ll pass/ just suck it up and move on / don’t worry about it you’re fine, you’re just overreacting or overthinking about it / think positive more and be happy nothing bad has really happened to you yet/ I remember when you didn’t act like this."

HOW AND WHAT?!? EXCUSE ME, PEASANT!? SAY THAT AGAIN.. TO MY ACTUAL FACE. I DARE YOU N’ YEAH, I DO TO CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.

———

I love how people ((friends and some mutuals)) thought I actually wanted to be, be with him, romantically and all that, that is but I just couldn’t..it was never there. I felt it for others though or someone to be exact, during those times which is how I knew I was in a toxic situation and it wasn’t real love or love in general I felt for them. just a facade

I just couldn’t let people know how badly he was treating me so I was sucked into a woven web of lies that got out of hand and ruined some pretty good moments for me completely it seemed

I never once wanted to fuck him or anything of the sort.

at first, we were kinda flirty and sweet with one another. talkin about cuddlin n’ goin on silly dates when we meet ya know. cute and fluffy things. things I got shit for down the road keep in mind. we’d give each other cute lil compliments to one another. It was just, cute and fun stuff ya know. especially since we were young as well.

there was never anything sexual between us either or too sexual, just crushy feels. ((I’m really fucking glad because mm, mmm. hard fucking pass))

he’d never and i mean never get my moist meter high, EVER. drier than this damn valley I live with scattered tumbleweeds, I tell you. not even a lil tingle. no bells ringing.fireworks flinging. I thought about it too and I’d just get disgusted tbh. thats how I knew

I felt like he’d be the worst in the end anyway and he was in general. he wasn’t even comfortable with himself or his sexuality and others things.. sooo, noooo, NOPE. thank u, next!!

I’m completely comfortable with mine.. thanks to my friends and some a bit more. I’m a bit scared to admit though that I’m demi bc of manipulation, but it is.

Happens unfortunately and I know I’m not alone on this journey of self acceptance. I wouldn’t have mind talking about it though, in a calm civil manner like adults do instead of giggling and making weird noises like an idiotic child.

Having it being brought up randomly amongst mutuals and all that got extremely awkward too as well, I hated it. "You wanna fuck him?", "You ever thought about it you two since y’all so close?" crickets and a few mumbled noises.. HA.mmm, I cared about him or what was left of him, not like that. honey flower ain’t or never will be feelin it for him.. EVER. HE EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED ME AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW SEX THAT MUCH OR MYSELF LIKE THAT SO FUCK HIM. uwu

She’s kinda quiet and scared tbh because he’s such a total killjoy asshole. she senses fear. she knows who really gets her bud blooming. just, the thought of him though like that made me wanna scream and kick him in this stupid ass face.

Ruined a lot of things for me, I swear but I’m moving on as best as I can.

—

He had this switch flip type of mood. I don’t even remember how or why it happened, but it just got worse during and after his breakup it seems.

Which was like 3-4 years ago. started happening out of the blue and over time it just started to bug the living fuck out of me. daily. I was starting to hate it and hate it I did. made my skin crawl.. ((all the Linkin Park jokes))

It made me hate myself which I never did much tbh and I didn’t like that at all.. I wanted out, but I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know who to talk to bc he’d come after me if I did especially if they knew him..

they didn’t though and were on my side, but yeah. I’m glad it stopped

A L L OF IT. I don’t need that kind ‘love’ in my life. that,awful presence. I don’t need any of that at all.. MMM, MMM BYE, BYE!! Disgusting.

———

I wanted to help em try to be happy so fuckin bad after what happened ya know as friends do, when it should’ve been myself making me happy instead.. it was,but everything just got to me.

All the sighs. How lovely huh. We were ‘best friends’ ya know. I can’t even really call anyone that much bc it unnerves me. you’re supposed to make each other happy and all that as best friends, not a sad sack of low shit.

I can’t believe I wanted to be with him and or be around him that is... eughh. I was confused and in a dangerous situation towards the end.. feels like it was my fault, but it wasn’t.

Couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It was extremely fucking stupid on my part

Long time or not, why? just, holding onto old times I guess

That’s where I messed up. I didn’t even really bother trying to be with him tbh as I’ve said. in the beginning maybe yeah when we were younger, but he made me feel less and less over time as we grew older. I was embarrassed about a lot of shit and slowly I just finally realized how much of an asshole he really and truly is and how bad I wanted him out my life.

I couldn’t get away and when I did, he’d still be there someway.. haunting me with his negative nagging.it was dumb I know. I just don’t know exactly how I got lost in it so damn badly, but man, am I really dumb for doing it..

I wholeheartedly despise those feelings I had then and I fucking despise them now. ALL OF THEM. THEY HAVE RUINED MY LIFE AND IDK WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

((Great character development though, Cynth. Growing up and moving on. Something he could never do))

I don’t want to bring these problems into anyone else’s life and I did and I regret it.. I would like to disconnect from the server please bc of it, thank you

———

I was made to feel like my disability was cureable around him and that I can do shit when I get my operations done when in fact, I can’t at all and won’t ever get ‘cured’ or anything like that of the sort.typical ableist /lamdwalker activity. despite how many times I told him,he’d forget. Mhmm, sure.. you only heard what you wanted. It’s fine

"We’ll be able to do this when you get said //part// fixed.." what? can I not do that now or something?? I know I can’t, but I can at least try right?? am I really not that good enough to be around and do shit with?? guess so, cool. Okay, I see. I really tolerated some extreme ableism and I still do, but it’s not as bad as that was..

I wish I could cure my RA though like that and have said money to do it. Snap my fingers and it’s done right? ummm, no. not as easy you think dumb ass. I have fused joints, osteo, it’s everywhere like how the hell am I gonna fix that so easily?? tell me, doc

You trippin more than younger me did. I think that’s why he just flat out ditched me in the end and got a gf while he was at it that had an almost exact personality as me in the process. he would point it out too and made me feel fucking creeped out even more.. like, I get it. can’t be youre, abled dream

Why do you care if we’re alike in some ways though?? ((Look where it got him though. He’s still struggling with it, the breakup, bringing it up once n’ awhile like it didn’t happen. It was hilarious to me bc he really was a basket case. I know he was trying to get rid of it, but he was more obsessive about it than a mf))

thankful I don’t deal with it anymore

———

"You live the same day to day lifestyle. Ever since you and I graduated. The same fucking thing. The only new things you do are go to your stupid concerts or teach those weird kids. I see it or you end up telling me anyway." ((I know captain obvious yet again.. at least I’m having fun when I’m doing that. concerts for my favorite bands make me happy, teaching my kids do too ya asshole))

"Nothing is gonna change anyway if you get those procedures done. It’ll be worse for you and we all know that. Just deal with it and try to move on." ((I hate hearing your voice in my head. I want to ban it, mute it from all existence.. I’ve been replacing it with others and I’m glad it’s working))

———

I keep hearing his voice sometimes when I post something on social media. not his actual voice, but something similar, especially in tone. moody and monotone. art,status, any of those with hashtags, rt‘s, anything.. I heard it

"Why did you post that?? Looking for attention or something?", "Not many people liked it because it’s //insert stuff I love here//", "Don’t like shit like that. I don’t want to scroll around awkwardly when I’m out.", "I saw what you put. Idk how to approach it, but I’ll like it to show you I care/to look at later to process."

Tf does that mean and huh?? Why do you care what I put anyway?? I don’t care what you put so why should you care what I put?? Why make me feel like shit for putting this up or talking about something I have some balls too. I want people to know. I’m close to some of these people

I haven’t been posting much because of that. It’s very noticeable and my some of my friends can vouch for it from the viewing couch. renders I do of friends stuff, my original work, OC stuff, fan arts. A L L gets judged by the mighty grump. who it is, colors, the style, shading.. nothing was good enough I guess. even though you said it was and so did my brain at one point. It does, but she’s just not that confident much anymore

He’d get on fan art which was the most irritating thing. "Try and draw like that or do something like that for once.", "They didn’t get me right.. did you give them the references? Even though you still haven’t made a proper one?", "Why did they draw me like that?", "That’s cool. Why my character though?" PEOPLE DRAW IN THEIR OWN WAYS IN MANY STYLES AND CAN CREATIVELY DO WHATEVER THEYD LIKE YA FUCKIN DUMBASS. IN THE END, ITS MY CHARACTER ANYWAY. YOU DIDNT DRAW HIM. I DID N’ WHO CARES. MAYBE THEY LIKE YOUR CHARACTER OR IDK I REQUESTED IT TO MAKE YOUR SAD ASS HAPPY.

"Ohh yeah, I used to draw back in the day." The shit he sent me was traced, had his signature on it covering the original artists, no consistent style. Straight up thief and ugly liar. He can’t even draw a straight line, let alone paint a piece. Please, boy. I KNEW IT AND HED MANIPULATE ME INTO THINKING IT WAS AND I KNEW. AINT FOOLING ME THERE. I maybe or might’ve been extremely gullible as a teen, but ooohhh honeyyyy, I knew, I knew.

Artist my ass. Yeah con artist :))

———

I hated the awkward silence moments between us when we spoke. I literally wanted to fucking scream at you like you did to me sometimes when you were having a "bad day".

I wanted to yell at you about everything you’ve ever done to me the last time we talked and I just broke down instead because I am an "emotional bitch" as you say. HOLY SHIT though, are you boring. I thought I was, but I just get dissociative and I space out because I didn’t know what to say and when I did,I got judged for it. for everything else as wel which made me feel worse. fuucking fantastic you are

You made me feel like I was was swirling in this dead and extremely lonely silence that was ever so slowly drowning me and dragging me down.. ((Like BMTH says, don’t let me drown and you did to an extent)) i couldn’t breathe right for the longest time with you there.. felt like an enormous weight on my chest

when I was in there, it was awful and made me feel worse. I didn’t want to leave and when I did,you’d think I’d be having a fit or something.so, I would stay until you left and when you did it was absolute freedom.

I swear I hated being around you. I got judged for making any sort of weird noise, hiccup, burp, humming, my singing, jokes. such a fun person you are, hmph

#therapy journal #disabled post #disability #ableism #internalized ableism #anxiety #tw

0 notes

justemotionalabusethings · 7 years

Text

{Before I begin this is really heavy. I’m talking suicide and shit man its intense}

Hi! My story is a long and sort of confusing one. I guess we begin at my first sister’s birth.

My father left me when I was really young. He wasn’t ready to be a father and fled for his life. Leaving me with just my grandparents and my mother.

After a while a new man was introduced into my life to fulfill this father role I needed. I was really shy with him until he got me a toy train for Christmas!

I don’t remember much of my childhood (which could be due to csa since signs are coming up here and there) but I remember a lot changed after my first little sister was born.

She was his biological daughter so I guess that meant there was no more room for me and I was only baggage in the marriage. He would taunt me day after day. He’d compare me to dogs and laugh when I ran away crying. He abused all the pets I had. My cat, my dog, and my hamsters. He watched scary movies with me and would then only fuel my nightmares. He’d make me clean everything and then get upset when I got irritated. He’d let me pretty much starve if I didn’t eat what he made or terrify me by saying someone was going to hurt me. To this day I can’t look at Hamburger Helper or Multigrain Cheerios.

At night I was terrified that he would hurt my mother because of his drinking problem. I would always be awake for some reason and hear them fighting about it.

As my family grew, it got to the point where I didn’t feel accepted. Where I’d look into the bedroom and see his daughters huddled around a father that loved them with a wife that he loved. I felt like I could run away and no one would miss me. Like they’d be happier.

During that time I was also being horribly bullied at school. It seemed like no matter what we did or the school did it wouldn’t stop. I got horrible depressed and was even suicidal.

His abuse ended when he made a wrong move and got arrested, effectively getting himself kicked out for good.

I was a pretty happy child after he left. The only thing that scared me then was middle school.

And I was in no way prepared for it.

In middle school I met a girl. We did one of the usual ice breakers in class. Seeing as pretty much everyone from my elementary school had bullied me I asked her about helping me find my way. We soon clicked and were spending a lot of time together because our schedules were almost identical. The only difference in our 9 period schedule was the 2 electives.

Everything was fine I believe. I made friends with her and I loved her more than words could say. She taught me how to be a rebel and how to break rules and do what you want. How not to let feelings hold you back but make them let you go.

Although everything changed in the January of 7th grade.

My mom had never wanted to give me a phone until I was sixteen so I wasn’t on any social media or anything. I pretty much just spent all my time reading.

But my friend got me to convince my mom to get Skype. Once there I was able to talk to my friends whenever I wanted.

From there we started to world build and role play.

After that I remember the abuse really started happening and to this day I’m not sure why.

She used me as a slave basically (funny bc when I tell people that they say that’s wrong bc she’s black and I’m white. Which is wrong bc I’m mixed aka black and white). It began with her just asking me to hold a few things. Then it quickly escalated to everyday I was forced to hold her shit on top of my own. Her lunchbox, her binder and my binder, her book bag and my book bag, and her lunchbox all up the stairs to our lockers which were right next to each other’s. Eventually she started asking our mutual friend to hold my stuff and they refused to let me do that, the sweet thing.

She humiliated me a lot by saying stuff or screaming wrong stuff about me. I have a horrible trigger that I can’t avoid because of her. Everyday if I did something wrong or something she didn’t like, or if I looked annoying I guess, she’d call me a failure. Everyday. And now I can’t escape that word. It sucks man.

She hurt me a lot too. She’d pinch me and I have a very specific memory of her pinching the back of my neck and when I said it hurt she said: “Well it’s not supposed to feel like sunshine so keep smiling.”

I was afraid of her. So afraid of my best friend. God my soul friend. I hate the word soul mate because she was always gushing about how we were soul friends and meant to be together and how much she loved me. It fucks me up some days.

I never knew what I’d encounter any day. After a while I stopped going to after-school activities because she would get pissed at me if I went to them instead of being online talking to her. My teachers started to look down on me for that. Thinking I was not trustworthy or saying I’d show up and then not. But it wasn’t my fault. I was only scared I’d get hurt.

I used to be glad I didn’t kill myself in elementary school because I was happy to be with her. But I feel like it would’ve been easier to end everything there.

I felt like she liked my mutual friend so much better and it brought me back to my step father loving my half sister more than me.

It even got to the point where I felt like she was trying to drive this friend away from me. She’d tell them things that I didn’t do and I’d be too scared to speak up for myself.

I was too scared to get anything to make myself look and feel nicer. I got my nails done one time since my family noticed I was getting sad again but the next day at school she insulted me. She said the exact words; “Why would you get something your friend wouldn’t like?” I think that’s when I realized it was abuse too. Why would someone who loves you say that?

She never for cared me or my problems either so I went silent. I didn’t come to her at all because there was no point in it. No point in being ignored.

I used to call myself a servant but even that was too much of a high status for her. She began throwing her trash at me and forcing me to pick it up or I’d get pinched.

Even calling her seemed like a chore for her. She’d make me promise to call her and once I did she wouldn’t pay attention at all. She’d listen to music or be on some social media. She knew it was hard for me to call because my mom wouldn’t let me call after school. Yet even when we were away from each other she mistreated me. She’d curse at me and insult me under her breath and say ‘good bitch’ when I told her I heard it. But of course. It was always from character to character.

I slipped further and further into the depression (funny because this only happened until near the end of 7th grade and all started in January). I stopped telling my other friend about anything. And I didn’t try to leave the friendship with her because I didn’t want to leave our mutual friend.

I couldn’t even do my schoolwork unless she was right there with me. But only to distract me. I remember I had to go get a project in for health so I wouldn’t fail the course and she almost stopped me from going because she didn’t have a library pass. I ended up going and getting it in but I later found (Thanks to a nice smack on the back of the head and multiple pinches throughout a 45 minute class) that she couldn’t go and was mad. Even though I told her I had to get the project in.

This went on until June. I finally broke down after a horrible day with her. It all started with a simple joke. I was used to her pointing it out when I made typos or spelled something wrong. On that day she spelled something wrong and I jokingly pointed it out. She got pissy and I quickly apologized but afterwards she wanted a hug. I didn’t want to give her one because well, I was having problems, and didn’t feel comfortable hugging. She got mad and when into his whole thing about how: “You have to do what your friend wants you to do even if it makes you uncomfortable.” Which is so messed up…

But at lunch she began getting physical and pinching me and digging her nails into me and kicking me under the table until I finally decided that I’d tell her.

She dragged me outside and I embarrassedly explained that I was on my period and didn’t want to hug anyone. She got really mad and literally beat me up right there in broad daylight in the ‘playground’ more like tiny grass area of the school! (Spoiler Alert: I don’t think the school ever believed me because no one came forward to say they had seen the action. Most likely because she scares everyone.)

I broke down in the bathroom and told my mom and grandmother and they contacted the school. It was a messy process and she hated me afterwards but I was away.

Or… so I thought.

During those months I had started cutting. I cut to make it go away.

So I was online and somehow came across a call out post for that very friend.

I was appalled at what I saw as it mentioned how she caused a minor to relapse into self harm. I was horrified and scared that somehow, probably by her bragging or lying, someone found out I had been cutting.

I came into contact to tell her off but I soon fell back into her trap.

It wasn’t as bad I’d say but she still did damage. She lied to my new friends online and told them that I had saved her pictures, I was coping her accent, and basically stalking her just because I told this abusive friend that I had a crush on her.

The crush cut contact and it killed me considering I was working through my feelings for other girls at the time and none of that was true.

At school she was tolerable but online not at all. She’d vague about me and insult me yet put on a sweet face. And then she’d tell our mutual friends all this fake shit about me.

My guardians went to the school and they were mad at me for going back but they don’t understand. She was my first friend in a long time. I couldn’t leave especially when I felt so guilty.

I truly got away and moved to high-school. I found out that I most likely have bpd and my fp is that mutual friend who decided to stay friends with me after my abusive friend told them off for helping me through my suicidal feelings.

I developed a really big crush on them and right now we’re really close friends and I love them so much for everything they do for me. They’re really adorable too. The sweetest and cutest nugget.

Of course I wish I could end the story like that, gushing about my fp, but it doesn’t end there folks! Because I’ve noticed over the summer before the beginning of ninth grade, which was last summer, that my mom is abusive.

I could go on and on about how’s she’s an asshole. She fits the criteria for emotional abuse almost perfectly with some physical thrown in. I would talk about but as I’m not the victim, and only a victim of child endangerment from being in the same home as her, I don’t feel like it’s my place to share my feelings. Although it does affect me a lot to be here.

I’m still stuck in this abusive home. My first therapist said I show signs of ptsd during our first meeting lol. But I probably have c-ptsd. I have BPD, ADHD and I’m hypersexual to sex repulsed on the constant. Oh yeah I have psychosis too which is acting up. Not to mention I’m 15 and struggling to find my identity. Am I a boy or girl? Do I like girls or not? I do not know.

I guess you can see why abuse is my life story. I have no story beside it. Only abuse and that one sexual harassment issue.

Sometimes I want to die, and sometimes I want a better life. I don’t have a therapist or psychiatrist since I moved which was hard because I LOVED my therapist. I trusted her so much that I was going to open up to her before.

I still struggle with feelings of guilt and such and some days it’s so hard to keep going I don’t find a point. But when I’m with my fp for example I feel more alive than ever. I feel like I can do anything.

I want to thank everyone who reads this and feel free to shoot me a message or something.

Just know that I believe in you. We’re all scarred and scared here. We all have bandaid’s holding together our pieces of broken glass. And one day… those pieces will start to fuse together again and our sharp edges will dull. We’ll be safe, happy and grateful we got through it.

To anyone stuck in a abusive relationship pls tell someone, or call someone. Even if they can’t help you like CPS or something let it out. Don’t bottle it in because it’ll only hurt more.

If I can’t end my story with a happy ending, I hope at least the ending of one of yours does. Because you all deserve a happy ending.

#tw: abuse #tw: parents #tw: suicide #tw: self harm #submission #tw: mothers #tw: fathers #tw: friendship abuse #tw: physical abuse #tw: emotional abuse #your stories

15 notes · View notes

confusionperfected · 7 years

Text

Want to scream bc suicide is the topic of choice for everyone on social media lately. AND YET IT FEELS MORE MISUNDERSTOOD THAN EVER. I don’t see any stigmas breaking or any improvement on outsiders understanding suicide happening. I just see a bunch of people feeling like they can relate to having wanted to die, because everyone has felt that way at a time. But feeling like you wish you could just stop living bc it’s difficult at times, or feeling like you aren’t cared about, those are so fucking different and far away from actually attempting or committing suicide. YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND FROM A GOD DAMN SHOW THAT ISN’T EVEN ANYWHERE CLOSE TO REALISTIC. A show that romanticizes death, ending a life, high school drama, what happens after one dies. But in reality, if someone left tapes for people who they wanted to blame for their suicide after they had passed, that would mean they were SERIOUSLY FUCKED. That’s not a thing that happens or that people do. Wanting to die and TRYING to die are completely different on levels one cannot comprehend unless they have been there themselves. I want to scream in everyone's faces that they don’t even have a fucking clue. That this isn’t a completely casual conversation. That this topic in itself is so triggering that I can’t even think about it or watch anything related to it without crying or feeling a pain in my chest I cannot describe. I wish people actually knew what it was like, and what it was like after for those who survive. It’s not fun and it’s overwhelming and it’s something I can never remove from my mind no matter how many therapy sessions are dedicated to solely that. I’m glad so many people don’t understand this, because no one should ever feel they need to end their own life (or attempt to). But god damn do I wish they did. And maybe then the discussions could be real and this wouldn’t feel so isolating and I wouldn’t be so angry.

#personal #rant #words #suicide #13 reasons why #bullshit #mental health #misunderstood

1 note · View note

thetowerupright · 4 years

Text

this is absolute word vomit. sorry in advance.

i started a new med and my psychiatrist said to take it in the morning bc it wont make me as drowsy as the last anxiety med, but when picking up my med the pharmacist said I absolutely need to take it at night bc i’ll get extremely drowsy. i decided to take it bc i had a horrible panic attack at walgreens so it would help me sleep. so i took it at midnight and laid in bed until 2:45 just not being able to sleep :) sooo i guess the med fought against my actual sleep med and now im wide awake :)) ANYWAYS these are all of my thoughts since midnight

1. i had to delete my twitter app bc i like going on there at night and signing petitions bc there’s so many resources for them on twitter. however so many people are coming out about being raped or molested which is good bc i want people to tell their stories but holy shit it is so triggering. just seeing stories and details like i go on and i have to log off a short time later bc im so triggered. it sucks because i want to be there for people but i cant do that if im triggered ya kno?

2. i have always loved amy winehouse for so many reasons but when i sing one of her songs it’s the only time i feel confident in my singing. she was just such a gem and it makes me so sad to know i’ll never be able to see her live. i’ll go a couple months without listening to her and then a song will come on shuffle and she’s all i listen to for the next 24 hours i love her so much

3. going back to singing, god damn. i miss that shit. i miss performing and being on stage and singing and dancing and acting. i posted a video of me singing on tik tok and i keep almost deleting it because i sound so terrible. i am so terribly out of practice. the other day i found like the tap dance side of tik tok and i almost bought myself some tap shoes and a floor set so i could start tap again. i still remember so much lol but like my singing im so out of practice. bc of my rapist and shitty people in high school i feel like i sound so fucking terrible and have so much anxiety singing infront of people. it sucks i just wanna work on the fear

4. i heard recently that people with anxiety will tend to watch the same tv and movies over and over and over again bc their brain already knows how it ends, and i felt so snatched!!! i restarted the office last week, soooo this is my 13th time watching it. ive watched 5 seasons in like 9 days. and when i finish it (which will probably be in the next couple days) ya kno what im gonna do? PLAY SEASON ONE EPISODE ONE lmfao the office is my tv show weighted blanket

5. i realized that since deleting my instagram soooo much tension has left me. like not just in my body but my soul as well. that shit is just so extremely toxic. im glad i deleted my account and dont have the pressures in my life to please people on social media. i did get a little annoyed tho bc people kept messaging me wanting an explanation and i dont owe anyone shit! however it was fucking hysterical when i put out 24 hours before deleting it that i was leaving and all the men actively in my dms were messaging me all upset like HONEY you’ll be FINE go masturbate to someone else GOOD BYE

6. my savage x fenty package was suppose to be here monday and still isnt here :) so im in nashville and it went from indianapolis, to memphis, to louisville, and is supposedly in nashville as of tonight. like they went south and passed me, then was in the SAME STATE, went NORTH OF ME, and now it’s here. it was also shipped by fedex and i haaate fedex because similar shit like this ALLLLLWAYS happens!! honestly im only frustrated bc im so use to my amazon packages being at my house 4-48 hours later. i say 4 hours bc last month i order something at 4am and it was delivered to my house at 8am that day lol

7. i saw a tik tok about rape that said hey guess what every 7 years you have new cells so in 7 years you’ll have a body that was never touched by your rapist. im happy bc nov 11 will be 7 years since the start of everything so those cells will be gone. but he raped me in february so that’ll be another 7 years for new cells. it’s nice to know i’ll have new cells one day that arent touched by him, but as i sit here typing this i can still feel where he first touched me in nov 2013 and i wish i could burn all my skin off

8. in the last 2 days i have eaten....3 bites of a grilled cheese. :)) like ive gone to eat and just the smell of food makes me so sick. i wish i could go back to my attempt in april and be like “hey frankie yeah uhhhhh dont do this...for obvious reasons ofc but also bc you literally will not eat food for months!!!” i cant tell you how many times ive gotten food i love and taken a bite and it’s soooo gooood and then after two or three more bites my body is like “NOOOOOPE ABORT MISSION”

9. it’s almost a year since rileys death. i’m trying to keep myself distracted as best i can. it’s hard though. i miss them so much. i feel so empty sometimes without them physically being in my life anymore. a year has passed and i still find myself picking up my phone to talk to them. ive gone through this pain before and i know it gets better it truly does. but right now it’s hard and painful and absolutely heartbreaking and soul shattering. i hope whatever happens after death, riley is okay. theyre happy and free and their soul is more alive than it was on earth.

10. i felt suicidal today and for a moment yesterday for the first time in awhiiiile. not actively or wanting to do harm to myself, but just not wanting to live anymore. when i talked to my resident about it today and how i was dealing with it, he said i was doing a really really good job. and that he was proud of me. i didnt cry then but when he went to get the psychiatrist that was subbing in for mine, i did cry a little. i wish i heard more that people were proud of me. i’ll appreciate that from anyone, but i fucking wish my family would tell me that. they never really have, going all the way into childhood to now. idk i just feel like nobody is proud but im trying so fucking hard.

11. the sun is rising and it’s so pretty outside. despite everything, this week is going well. it’s not like fantastic or anything, but i feel a little more lively this week than the past several weeks. a few weeks ago i looked at myself in the mirror and started sobbing. not just because i hate how i look and my body. but because i saw no light or life in my eyes. i took a selfie a couple days ago, and i saw a little light and life again. im not gonna say things are better, but things are very very slowly improving. just gotta do the next right thing. ttyl :)

#word vomit

0 notes

jess-oh · 6 years

Text

Reflection

i kinda got this off my chest already to jeanne but im really afraid that im going to start my internship and end up hating working in the industry. there are so many things that are out of my hands right now and i dont know if what im doing is right. i went to the vbs bbq today and it was really fun and im glad i get to meet so many new kids and adults and have nice conversations with them but honestly, i realized that i never really prayed about serving with VBS. for a while, it’s just been a matter of if i get the internship then i’ll stay and volunteer and if i dont get the internship, then i’ll go home for the break and rest. and bc there were so many newcomers, i felt a responsibility to be there for them and a lot has been happening over the summer that i would’ve missed out on had i gone home so i am glad that im here to experience it all. but i think i need to rest in the Lord. I have been resting since I finished school but by drowning myself in media and distracting myself from the real world instead of taking the time to just really meditate and get back on track with God. I’m not complacent and I’m definitely still growing. And yeah, the whole financial situation sucked with my dad but i kinda had a feeling that his layoff wouldnt last long and i knew that i had the opportunity to go home for the break and rest. but i was afraid. i was so afraid of going back to sa-rang. to a place where i dont feel at home. to a place where i feel like a social outcast. i am so afraid of that and thats why i decided to stay and was so eager to jump at any chance i could to find an excuse to stay here in chicago. and thank God for sending me a paid internship but it honeslty almost feels like a test and i dont want to back out bc ive already made commitments to so many people but i ultimately just really want to rest. really. not having to worry about anything and to just be at home with my family, friends, and loved ones. just to be in their presence again would be so nice. i’ve been hanging out a lot more with my d&d friends recently and im glad but it is difficult not talking about God with them. He’s such an integral part of my life. I do think I struggle to some extent to hangout casually with the freshmen bc i want to be a good upperclassman for them but that doesnt mean im not still growing too. i am. idk. im just really worried about a lot of different things and think i should pray to God about it all. I have been relying more so on what’s practical and logical instead of praying about it and seeing where God is leading me. And I do think He’s leading me to go back home. But at what cost? Of feeling ostracized at Sa-Rang again? To have to admit that I’m searching for another church to be my own person and bc my parents are both so involved and i feel like i can never speak ill of them? I want to be around more people like me but people in the OC honestly have it so easy. They have no idea. And it’s really hard for me to relate to them. Josh Hwang has been trying so hard to bring up California to me in whatever situation possible. Not everyone needs to know how we first met. It’s an old story and I’m tired of hearing it. Why can’t you just focus on the now and let it die? It can be a fun fact but I don’t want Sa-Rang to define who I am. It was nice at first for common ground but now it’s annoying and I’m afraid of going back. Of course I miss my family and friends but I’m afraid that our dynamic will have changed and we’ll go back to arguing or maybe I’ll fall back in love with it and be miserable in Chicago again. I want to be independent and be my own person and march at my own pace. And I’m afraid that I can’t do that there. I want to learn to drive so that I stop burdening people out here and can fend for myself. But I also don’t know who would understand my situation. I have tried for so long to fit in at Sa-Rang and I never really clicked with them. And it’s partly their fault but my own as well and that’s something I need to work on. I was just never really a part of the culture. I was very aware that the adults were gossiping today and it just frustrated me. I don’t want to speak so mindlessly of other people when there are so many other things we could be discussing. Even as common ground, I regret it. Mutual friends are nice but I used them as an excuse to get closer to people instead of finding other means. I’m not even that close to these mutual friends yet spoke of them as if I am. I’m afraid that my demons and fears from Sa-Rang have and/or will follow me to Lakeview and I am so afraid of that. I’m honestly so scared whenever I see someone I think I know bc I don’t want to be defined by who I was there. I want to be defined by who I am now and who I’m trying to be. I’ve grown a lot and I do think I’ve been avoiding really processing and reflecting on this past year to some extent but I think it’s necessary. So much happened and I want to get my affairs in order so that I can share to my friends and family back home and be genuine about it.

and bc i always tried so hard to fit in and never quite did, i am constantly questioning why people are friends with me at all there. judy, jennifer, grace...

i always think they’re just pitying me and feel bad for me and are reaching out as a result but i dont want to be friends with them bc they feel bad for me. i want to be friends with them bc they see and appreciate me for me and who i am. for the words of advice that i give and my passion and enthusiasm and strong work ethic and personality. not bc i dont fit in. and i dont know if this is actually true or not but i do think there is a part of them that started reaching out to me bc they feel bad for me. i remember i was so surprised when jennifer thought i was so soft spoken bc i think im pretty loud and bold. i dont think im softspoken at all but bc thats who i was in jr high, thats who ive continued to carry.

i have work tomorrow and im worried that i wont wake up in time. i start my internship on tuesday and im afraid that i’ll hate it. i told everyone today that im doing pretty well in terms of where im at in my life and practically speaking, i am in a good place. but i am so scared. of everything. of so many different things. and i need God to provide me with wisdom and security and I just need to trust in Him bc i’m freaking out on my own.

i love God. For sure. Through and through. I am nothing without Him and He has helped me so many times. He is my everything. He is my all. And I really cannot do anything without Him. I don’t trust my own judgment without Him in the picture. I’ve been so eager to rush into these various things as an excuse to not go back to Cali. But I don’t want me only reason for leaving Sa-Rang be bc I don’t “fit in.” Because I do think it’s a spiritually wealthy place and a place where I could really grow. I think it’s just a matter of being true to my identity in Christ and just being so confident in that. Not caring if I don’t fit in. Not caring if my reputation is ruined bc I reached out to someone that isn’t “cool.” But to just serve there bc that’s where God has led me to go. To be. To serve. I don’t think God is leading me to a church outside of Sa-Rang. I think He does want me to invest there. It’s just my own fears that are driving me away.

I was just talking to Grace An and if I really reflect on the past, I definitely do think a part of me is still bitter. I’ve been hurt so badly so many times at Sa-Rang and as a result, there’s a huge lack of trust there. I have opened myself up to them so many times and I feel like bc I wasn’t “cool” or didn’t “fit in,” it was always just brushed off or ignored. I know that fitting in isn’t the goal but it definitely feels like a lack of community. And I don’t want to pin the blame on anyone but I’ve definitely felt pressure from P. Josh and Jenny to stay in Chicago over the summer. It’s way more practical and makes sense. But I don’t think I can. I think I need to go home. And I hate being a flake. I hate not going through with my promises. But I think it might be better for me to go home and face my fears. And I am still afraid. For sure. There’s no way I’m not. And I think this is something that I need to wrestle with and hopefully the answer will become clearer and clearer as this week progresses. But for now, I do feel better after writing this all out and chatting with some friends. Thank you.

#reflection

0 notes