talesfromacrip

[talesfromacrip]

popping off as they say:

ya wanna know some things that suck major ass? well, sit down and let me enlighten you

( a vent/rant post. mute or w.e but I’m gonna go off a bit )

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at this point, I feel like I’ll never get to go out and experience the world.

even when I’m feeling up to it or have too for appointments/shows, etc.

I could, but I’d be risking so fucking much and I hate that a lot. yet,some think it’s not a big deal when it kinda is??

like, I really wanna get the fuck out of this house, but it’s difficult nowadays. it makes me sick at times how some use their abled privileges to go out like nothing is even going the fuck on.

I feel like I’ll just be left here alone in my house till I leave this place with this shit going on. only relying on comments, pictures and silly dreams to get me by which ‘helps’ but it’s not enough

I’ll never be able to explore nature to its fullest and despite how negative I am towards it, I still enjoy it or would like too, without an issue occurring.

I’d need so many aides just to help me and people to watch me while I maneuver through.

can’t fly anywhere bc my only source of mobility would be damaged. can’t even drive.

it’s like traveling with an infant, can’t take me anywhere bc everything is essentially a danger. (an inaccessible one ._.)

plus, everything costs so much money nowadays which is something I can’t have much bc of my disability. love it, great, absolutely r a d!!

tired of missing out on so many opportunities though.

shows, little outings, appointments, vacations, fuck,anything essentially. everyone else gets to flaunt this privilege and it’s irritating bc I can’t interact as I’d like.

I’m literally getting cabin fever being in my own home.

which to some seems like a dream in my condition, when it’s a ‘nightmare’.

even when I do go out, the feeling is still 50/50 but we’ll see how that plays out more in the future

I’m so tired of advocating for disability options for the swancore community.

everyone is so fixated on members or how popular they’re posts are, etc. to give a rats ass about disabled fans.

just want them to be safe and experience a show without risk of getting sick, people standing in front of them, inaccessible venues with stairs, folks pushing them/their aides.

which, I guess is asking too much but I’ll continue even if I’m tired of it.

I enjoy this community so damn much but holy f u c k o-o

can’t stand folks nowadays flaunting their experiences when some haven’t at all or can’t bc of inaccessibility at these shows!! ridiculous

tired of dealing with arguments and yelling from my parents. constant instigating and just absolute chaos daily.

they’re good people but holy fuuuuck do they argue about some absolutely ridiculous shit sometimes.

I love them,but being stuck inside with them constantly is driving me insane.

I don’t feel welcomed in my home or anywhere with them tbh. I don’t get peace and quiet as one should.

I can’t go anywhere either and it’s just, irritating but I have to deal with bc they’re the only family I have.

only times I even get peace/time to myself without them constantly around, is when they both go to the store or do some errands together which is rareish bc they irritate one another at times or when we go to a show; which, who the fuck knows when that will be bc I’ve already missed 2 irl ones so far

no privacy whatsoever either so that’s fucked like, y’all realize why I’m getting cabin fever, which is a stupid thing thing to say but that’s what it is

I want to leave but I can’t and probably never will.

like, who is even gonna take care of me when my parents can’t anymore and all? I’m not going to a home and dealing with people I don’t know well at all.

when you can’t say something ya fave wants to hear or say anything to them that’s out of ordinary bc you don’t want to expose that you have feelings for them.

so, you just sit there in your silly little feelings and hide them yet again bc what’s the point?

can’t go anywhere much with them bc my chair is in the way. I’d be holding them back from so many experiences.-. can’t hug or hold hands or anything like that when I’d like too.

can’t help them when they need it or don’t bc I enjoy helping others more than myself tbh. I’m a homebody though and no one likes to be home it seems. not many wanna spend the day watching shit endlessly or playing games or experience an artist at work. some but it’s not enough bc there’s more to life than just, being stuck inside and all

tired of people thinking I’m this, sexless being bc I’m demi and disabled.

that I’m scared to talk about it or I’m just not interested at all, when I am.

like there have been times when I was more like that but ever since I realized I won’t be getting any procedures done to help me be independent, I just try and keep it to myself but it’s so hard.

don’t want to hookup though or do anything like that with someone I don’t know.

I want a nice relationship with someone I know well not someone I don’t at all.

I explained all this and more on my therapeutic blog thing but I guess no one cared which happens.

I’m sick of hiding these feelings, sick of this place , sick of it all

sick of waking up either sad, horny or just plain empty at times bc I can’t do anything, be with who I’d like.

just,feel even more horrible about myself bc I can’t do anything at all. I have to rely on others for the most simplistic tasks.. how am I going to be with someone , let alone the person I care about??

can’t satisfy  them ,can’t even satisfy myself so why the fuck do I even bother??

I’m tired of these, weird vivid dreams of me at school with people I know online or me doing some activity I thought I’d never do like drive/swim/running with them or by myself.

sick of going places I’ve never been or have in the past which makes me want to leave so bad and I can’t.. idk if I ever even will tbh.

sick of having dreams outside of my house in general and then waking up to the same monotonous life.. makes me feel suicidal at times tbh.

I won’t do anything like that. the thoughts make sad as is so I just continue sitting in silence.

it’s getting hard to mask my moods nowadays and everything just makes me tired /annoyed.

tired of how the dreams tease me by making scenarios where I’m living with someone I care about but will never say anything too bc I ruin things when I open my mouth sometimes :))

like, how can I tell someone we had a whole ass family and sweet gushy moments that I cannot partake in bc I can’t move for fucking shit :)) makes for awkward conversation

also tired of being in another body that isn’t mine and looks better than mine..

just, everything I’ve wished since I’ve been ill and after..

better body with actual features and not the kind that make me look like a fuckin child, pretty and slim face, actual mobility with no pain interference..

these are things I started noticing as I got older and even as young child. knowing I can’t fix whats already done in the process too, fucks with my dysmorphia more..

I hate how I get to see his body dressed in fashion or styles I wish I could do but can’t .-. hair, makeup, accessories, clothes, shoes, tights.. you get it

tired of myself when I shouldn’t be but I am.. so much I wanna do and say and sometimes I can’t. it’s there but the words get stuck. I end up saying something different and just ruin the whole thing I feel

#therapy journal

[talesfromacrip]

hmph.. .-.

what’s the point of having an open therapeutic journal when no one is gonna read it?? friends and family that is.. like, what is the fucking point??

I’m tired of writing shit out. tired of speaking the same parrot talk..

people would know what’s going on if they, idk... fucking read it??? must I bring it up or no? no., but clearly some haven’t..

I read others works and whatnot.. why can’t some do it for me..?? ridiculous.

like, why do I have to go through that torture again?? just to explain something to you that you could’ve fuckin read that’s somewhat neat and explained to some extent..

the intense anxiety when speaking/typing it out again when it’s already written down, makes me wanna curl up and die. not really but that’s the feeling I’m having

I don’t fucking get it.. I don’t at all and it’s ridiculous ._.

I don’t want to ask but do I fucking have too??

so people can idk, fucking understand me better?? this was the whole point of posting these writings.. now it’s just pissing me off.

seeing or hearing no one comment back on it much, hurts..

pffht, wow.. do it for others and not even a spare dime to give me in return.. how, thoughtful of some. how fucking thoughtful

-

ya know.. it’s pleasant to have feelings for someone and all, but at the same time it’s just ridiculous.

especially if you don’t know how to communicate those said feelings properly. well, I have at one point in some ways but I don’t think the person caught on. also makes me incredibly nervous.. and I never really was before with them.. mmm

god I’m fucking hopeless

deadly depresso espresso for 1 to go 😪

-

my mom heard me crying apparently the other night or so when I was having a ‘typical’ morning breakdown 

I had to make up a lie then and there. I said I was done watching my show which I almost was but wasn’t really why I was crying

I’ve been holding shit in and the mornings just don’t help.. I ‘could’ sleep but wtf is the point when you’re body just doesn’t have that feeling at all much??

my thoughts swirl in my head endlessly and it makes me fuckin sad.  

can’t help my friends like I’d like, can’t confess bc I’ll ruin shit as always, can’t live and be myself in my own house. can’t make myself a nice cup of tea and enjoy the breeze outside. can’t leave this house.. and probably never

then I hate how she says I don’t need to cry. why are you? it’s all in your head. overreacting, blah blah 

bursted bubble trouble

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tired of being a third wheel. I’d be alone but that sparks even more concern it seems.. hmmm 

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hmm, guess I’m just a filler for some it seems when they have no one else around.. great :)) guess I’m ‘too old’ or something as well .. sigh, just want out of this realm sometimes

love it

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I ‘love’ when friends of mine still talk to some who where just so, toxic to them at one point and a lot of trouble in general. irritating

I especially ‘love’ when they bring them up in a conversation :)) like, ohh boy I sure wanna fuckin know that and I also don’t care bc I don’t like them. must listen though even if my stomach is in knots the whole time

I gotta smile and wave though bc I’m not going to start drama.

-

I get so sad when ‘they’ speak about others to me.. others who I know might share the same thoughts on them as me and it hurts.. fuckin hurts. I get too attached and I do this to myself :’))

I don’t want to lose them to people I know will hurt them or just not understand them. sigh

I wanna lay down forever and just stay there..

tired of writing this. tired of crying while doing it. tired in general. done for now

#therapy journal #blah blah ramblings

[talesfromacrip]

a h hhhhh:

tired of writing .feel like no ones even bothered to read it. I’m not gonna try and explain again about what’s going on with me. It’s all there and if there’s something after, then maybe I’ll talk about it.

fucking tired of this shit..

dreams are still the same, some aren’t but the hell am I gonna do about that?,

nights are still long and lonely which isn’t fun. I sleep almost halfw of my day away and do fucking nothing much. even if I say I am, I’m disassociating at times. which is difficult to say bc instant mood killer imo.

parents keep setting me off like a firework at times.

stressed with this political climate bc of these idiots

other miscellaneous events I’m too tired to even write out..

like,,what the fuck else do I say?? that already hasn’t been said ?

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ohhhh, that I’m feeling suicidal again? no urges at all to drink.. but to die??how? Idk, I’m not quite sure but the feeling to just, log off the server is there. to disappear. no pain. just, leave and not have people deal with my shit it seems

lovely thing for people to know, ya know. especially now :’))

-

that I’m gonna die a lonely fuck with nothing to offer besides, I don’t really know tbh.. art, talking?? what else even is there? my money I get? which is ‘soooo much’ my ass.. mm

people really think I’m just this, sexless being now I guess as well. especially with my sexuality and the way I act.. I’m not and it pisses me off.. maybe if y’all read my pieces, you’d know why I’m like this. ._. 

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that idk if my parents will be here any longer and that I’ll end up all by my fucking self?? my dad keeps bringing up his medical issues and hearing his words, makes me terrified for the future .for myself and my mom..

I can feel it though and I hate this feeling.. I know it’s true though in some way.

I don’t want to be put with anyone in either of my parents families.. or a home.

I don’t want toxicity anymore in my life.. I don’t even know if anyone will even deal with me thiugh and take care bc I’m such a big ass burden

im so lost on this 

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thay I’m tired of the fighting, yelling and all this abled shit??

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that my baggy asss eyes are tired of seeing my body at times? I don’t want to look at myself anymore some days when I pass by the stupid mirror. when I try.. a wave overcomes me. I don’t cry. I just glare and judge intensely for a second and then go on. I think of others comments, the positive ones that is, to work on mental sticky notes. reminding me but sometimes they fall. I pick em up when I can

must I go on ???????

———

I hope that I don’t come across as rude when I tell people that it’s alright if they don’t help me.. I’m such a fucking burden at times and some have more, important matters to attend to.. why help me? ._.

like,, I know people want to help.. but how?? If you do,I know I’m gonna snap at you like with my parents at times. back out or just, not accept it..

it’s not bc of how it’s being done either  but how I just shouldn’t even be receiving it in the first place.

I love help.. don’t get me wrong but I’ve gotten so much. I feel any more and I’ll get yelled at. which, I don’t want. other need it more, the help. don’t want people wasting their energy on someone with barely any and has to fake it at times :’))

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I can’t even hold a proper conversation it seems bc I’m so, boring.. especially with this fucking cursed ass pain I get occasionally. ruins my mood and makes me an even bigger ass..

I wish I could hold one and not be so nervous. some I can but it’s a facade at times. I know no one is really thinking that yet my brains blares it.

I’m,suffering. I hate using that word but I feel like that.

not gonna let others down bc of it. some slips through but ‘yikes, sis’ as the kids say.

———

I hate how everything that’s so wholesome and genuine I see, I can barely even do. I especially hate how I imagine it with someone who deserves better. like, much fucking better.. ._.

I hate how heavy my heart feels when I’m in this, mood. every day.

I feel so lost at times

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wish I could tell them how I feel.

how everyday my heart aches almost every moment we converse.

the pain reminding me how real this feeling is and how much I don’t want it to go away..

if only I can be so brave as before and others who have spoken such words. instead I’ll just ruin things as always which I tend to do at times it seems ._.

-

of course the ables get their attention, affection and whatnot from them..

how I envy them so much. especially when your told it happens as well.. like, thanks a lot for telling me events I’ll never be able to experience

I’ll never be good enough for that and if I am.. doesn’t feel like it at times. no matter what ido. don’t blame them thiugh..

-

I hope that whenever I post something regarding my personal feelings and all.. that is, regarding who I love and whatnot; that no one associates them with ‘s’. ._. I don’t have to say their name either. real or not, disgusting as it is but hopefully you understand.

all the art and whatnot, ughhhhhh.. it’s not them.. it’s someone else entirely and I’m just a coward as always .watching from the sidelines as time eats my heart away

hopefully no one thinks that.. feel like some do. annoys the shit out of me. not gonna ask but I hope it stops when it can...

like I said, it’s about someone else entirely 

who is much nicer and just, way better than anyone.. even ‘them’ as I preached before but they weren’t. never was. that was a lie to hide what was going on. this time, its not

-

how I wish I could hold them in my arms.. to just burry my face in their chest and hear their warm heart beat confirming that they are real. here. on the same planet as me. same time, place..but I can’t

how I wish I could move my hands up to praise them and gently bestow a kiss upon their delicate cheeks, forehead.. body.. but I can’t

how I wish to hold their hands gently.. the same hands that have helped me in the most low of times. creative, strong. I can’t..

can’t do anything of the sort, only imagine which makes my heart ache even more.. do you know how hard it is to imagine yourself disabled doing activities? N O, you don’t. when I do,it makes me cry bc it’s abled still. something I thought I was gonna be again.. I fuckingf hate it

how petrified I am to even speak these thoughts out loud to you.. I could before but that was a, different time. how I miss it but don’t bc a part of that,wasn’t me.

bit difficult to explain

———

that’s literally all I have for now.. the rest is the same. minor changes here.. s u r e. working on it thiugh ,,best I can

#therapy journal #._. not in the mood for anymore tags rn

[talesfromacrip]

septiembre thoughts:

I’ve been, really down lately. not showing it much, but I am.

there are other important matters to deal with than my constant irrelevant life occurrences. (imo)

I can bring them up, sure, but I don’t want it to always be about me..

I can barely hold a conversation and when I do, I just, act like a dumbass.. without a single care in the world when I’m having a plethora it seems.

I ache to let it out but I hold it in. makes me an asshole in the process bc I get moody from it.. be it a bit mad or just plain ol’ sad. it’s not even from anyone but me.. internalized ableism is truly a bitch and it makes other things/thoughts spiral

I don’t ask anyone else whats wrong and all nowadays.. I feel like they think I don’t care about them when I do so fucking much

if I do, ask em, then it’ll come down to me.. like, it makes me incredibly anxious to think and all. there’s, so much to explain yet little time with some being busy and I’m just, here being in the way. adding more weight on top of the pile

-

I feel so empty when I get up from dreams I have with someone I’ll just, never be with.

my mind loves to play these games with me. almost every night or other depending on how I’m feeling. they make me wake up crying or just plain sad. I care about them so much,but I’m just, not good enough and I know I’ll never be. if only I can get rid of dreams. they make life, interesting to an extent which I’m kinda happy about but fuck, how annoying at times

I’m glad they care about me though but I don’t think it’s the way I do and probably will never be. if only I wasn’t in such deep shit when we met maybe things would be, better? I was, in a different mindset though and I wouldn’t want it back at all..

either way, it’s so silly to think about.. pshhh, I’m sure they want a future with me. out of all the other abled and ‘beautiful’ people, me? yeahhhh. I can only dream, which is very exhausting yet very exhilarating, mmm

I can’t share it with them, these.. dreams. we sort of did before, but that was differentish sort of time. it’s a bit embarrassing tbh. pretty deep and Idont want to scare anyone away or ruin something like always with my ‘unpleasant’ thoughts

-

I feel so lonely and tired.. daily. 24/7 on this train of life?

even if I’m surrounded by the same, lovely small group of friends.. I’m still just, so lonely.

I know I’m not in some ways,but it just feels like that. I feel like, I’ll just grow to be a lonely ass loser bc of my conditions. it’s a lot for anyone to handle.. or so I’ve been told

I keep going to sleep at super late times and waking up when it’s after 3-4. sometimes being woken up earlier if someone has to do errand. I feel so exhausted and the pain varies daily within my body. so, that also affects my mood..

my insomnia is getting worse it seems and I don’t think my pills are working they way they should anymore when it comes to knocking my ass out..

they are in ways but in others I feel, hopeless. I might have to up my prescription or not, but we’ll see come appointment day and all

I think I’m suffering from something other than just anxiety, depression and slight ptsd.. time will tell as I’ve said, hopefully, whats wrong with me.. some days I just don’t feel like myself and all and I just, want to go away to somewhere where I won’t bother anyone ever. it’s, tiring but I must know or else I’ll truly go insane i feel whic, I don’t want to burden on anyone

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I’m worried about my dog and dad with their health issues, even my mom.. what am I gonna do when they’re gone?? there is always somethings bad happening it seems every damn week. I know I can’t control it, but what am I going to if it does come down to that?? where am I gonna go? who’s gonna take care of me??

I feel like I’m getting abandoned or that I will be. that I’ll left behind on some days bc it’s too much.. I’m ‘too much’ it’s ridiculous

I shouldn’t be thinking about this but I am. they’re all I have and then no one after. I- I’m so lost , sighhhhh😪

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I’m sexually frustrated and there’s absolutely nothing I can do ,but linger and lie in my own reckless thoughts.

I can’t touch myself as some may think I doand I’m not gonna ask for help with this bc I’m an annoying fuck of a person imo.

like, I’m just left here. sitting and trying so hard at times to not think about these thoughts. it’s a bit difficult though and I hate it. especially with someone I know is just, wayyy out of my league.. I, think they feel the same but I don’t know and I’m deathly afraid to even ask.

the old ableist sort of mindset I had made me sick yet it made me a courageous lil bitch. I’m, slowly trying to get that attitude back and without the help of being on my liquid grape death line

these thoughts hurt me more than ever though tbh.. I get so embarrassed trying to even say anything like that. it’s natural to be like this but at this level when I was never?? makes my heart race faster than my chair

well, I know why but it just makes me so sad and angry a bit. sad I cannot do anything I’d like and making it up in scenarios doesn’t do it right.. it does but I want more and to not be able to do that, makes me start to get angry. at myself that is. so, I stop and then I make things awkward it seems as always when I’m trying not to be. I’m not even experienced in this field much and I act like I am. maybe? but who knows

sometimes I’m not even sexually frustrated.

it’s just the urge to be held and hold someone close. (actually hold someone and not the way I do now..) just, feel their warmth and soft heartbeat as I lay on them gently to sleep.. mm I’ll, never have that. all the, lovey romantic bits and all that everyone daydreams about.. I can’t do or barely..

makes me cry

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I feel disgusted at my own body and I want to scream. not gonna bc I don’t want to hurt my throat and fuck up my singing which helps me calm down and me myself. anyways,,,

I can’t look at myself in the mirror and i hate how big it is.. when I get into my room, it’s right there.

I can’t avoid it and when I do, I still end up seeing it or myself that is. I can’t close my eyes or even cover. not gonna run into anything but my image it seems.

I’m not, cute or anything of the sort.. every time I get told that I get so flustered and say something mean it seems when I’m not.

I would get compliments but some where not so generous..

I don’t want to ask as well every time if it is but it’s hard to tell.

even with genuine people

when I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t feel that. I just feel the bad comments and I can’t help that.. believe me, I want to try and make myself believe I’m beautiful and all. just, not going so well and it’s not a topic you want to bring up or can so easily.

every one of my friends are gorgeous, extremely handsome. just,plain beautiful beings. me? idk, maybe but it doesn’t seem like that. feels like I’m full of myself. people of plus size being aren’t held up to that and if it is, it some sort of fetish.

it’s pretty hard for me to tell who’s being genuine I swear. it’s fucking awful but it’s not my fault I was made fun of. couldn’t even fight back and if I did I’d be in some serious trouble or possibly in the hospital or dead .-.

ughhhhhhhhh

I’ve already descibed some of my bdd issues which I know no one read and knows much besides my therapist and case workers ._.

#therapy journal #disabled post #.-. idrk what else to tag

[talesfromacrip]

=n= some, recent thoughts:

I feel like I don’t even know what to say anymore. I write it all down or some to an extent. then I just forget about it. I don’t, but I try not to dwell on it much till it’s brought up.

I am, dwelling still though. ughh

so repetitive.. I feel like the biggest annoying fuck on the planet. I know I’m not,but that’s how I feel can’t even a s k people how they are feeling.

makes me such a terrible friend. some are going through so much rn though.

I don’t want to go and accidentally trigger someone bc I lack the ability to realize time and place

I don’t want them to feel like I don’t care though. I do, a lot. just, extremely nervous and anxious at times when it comes to discussing certain topics.

It always gets in the way it seems. this terrible fucking anxiety in the most important times.

always, always, always

make me seem like a big asshole when I’m not ??

x

I feel like I have nothing to even say anymore when it comes to talking about myself.

everything I feel so far was and or has been written down to an extent.if not, I can ‘try’ and explain it, but that turns out wrong sometimes bc I start blanking out

I feel like I shouldn’t have even shared my blog with my writings. no one really cared much when i did it seems. like, read wise

no one said a word to me much about it. I don’t think anyone even bothered read it tbh with how much I carry on.. but whatever it’s done

if people wanna know so bad about what’s going on with me, they’d know what the problems are by reading that. it’s all there. to some extent, that is. labeled somewhat properly like as well bc my ocd. . I dnt understand ??

do y’all think I’m just sharing this for ‘fun’ or what? now I’m being an ass with that but this was my way of letting those close to me. I’m sort of regretting it now

fucking, lovely

———

I’ve been feeling extremely exhausted almost daily now. from sleep or not, doesn’t matter with my insomnia and pain

I’ve been frustrated and a grumpy ass bc of all this crap though. unleashing it on my friends and family for no reason.. then I won’t even discuss it bc it’s, no use I feel. I just, go around it..

why??

so irritated. I wanna end these awful, constant thoughts. some ,but shit

pushing them aside makes them worse. especially the internalized ableism ones.. driving me fucking insane.. it’s so damn constant.

it affects everything I do, say.. be

———

I never have ‘good’ mornings.

I don’t know what the fuck people think this is. how can I have a ‘good’ morning when I can’t even do anything morning related?? can’t make myself some coffee, change my pjs, brush my hair/teeth, make myself what I want to eat..? just, general morning activities

I’m just, fucking sitting in the same exact spot every fucking day from noon to dawn. same fucking spot and I’m not going to move bc it’s a lot of effort.

I live in constant pain bc helloooooo ‘arthritis’.

I live in a constant mild depressive state and have insomnia to top it off.

plus, it’s hot as fucking hell and there are noises that disturb me from even getting my rest and other absolutely idiotic things

soooo, how in the fuck and I going to have a ‘good’ morning.. I don’t understand at all?? I don’t. you can say, ‘ohhhh, well you can do ((blank)) and ((blank))..’

ummmmm, think I did that already, captain clueless or maybe not bc I can’t ?

I try to occupy myself by fucking drawing, watching something or playing a game.

helps for a bit and then it just comes back.

the pain, the annoying voices of mine. just, awful thoughts and feelings that I would like to throw out a window.

———

why do I have to go somewhere to visit people, when they can visit me??

I’m not made out of money like some think us disabled folks are.

also some know how hard it is for me to even travel.. ?? I can’t even get outside of my own fucking house anymore bc there’s a fucking pandemic. even before all of this started as well.

who’s gonna watch me and take care of me?? so much to this and apparently it’s ‘sooo fucking easy’

I already feel bad for not being able to go out. I’ve missed out on so much and I will Til the day I fucking die

don’t fucking rub it in my face either that you want me there when I know that..

I’m not stupid but I feel like people think I am I guess

I want that as well, but it’s not gonna happen..

maybe in a fucking dream. in another universe/dimension?

but, it’s just never going to happen but who the hell knows

#therapy journal #disabled post #anxiety #ughhhh

[talesfromacrip]

welcome:

this blog is something I made to put my therapeutic writings on and other little writing pieces I’ve done as well along the way. I shall be explaining why as I go. Buckle up, y’all

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I get tongue tied and start to dissassociate sometimes when conversing out loud about serious and or personal matters. sometimes it’s just a simple conversation as well..

probably doesn’t seem like it to some, but I do. over text., I don’t much bc I can try and type what I’d like, but it’s just not good enough. 

I start feeling shaky, nauseous, even dizzy sometimes when I do.. I get moody essentially in the end bc I’m overwhelmed completely by something so simple.it’s difficult to explain at times bc my mind is moving faster than me.

I start to zone out badly even more in the process at times bc I’m trying to figure out what to say properly without having a panic attack on spot. which will result in me jus, leaving again.

you probably understand the picture, hopefully. sometimes I do upset or make someone worry when I’m just processing my thoughts it seems. don't mean to take so long and all, but it happens. know I’m trying though. just, takes some time in order to process for me

Sometimes I don’t like talking or typing some days either when I’m feeling like this and it’s almost daily tbh, but I must some way or another. glad my right wrist isn’t so bad either like it was awhile back. couldnt do anything much bc I twisted it. don’t want to risk anything, but I manage

wish we could all speak telepathically bc that would makes things a bit better I feel. I can only dream. I try to write them down though, the thoughts, as best I can.big or small. helps me calm my sporadic brain a bit. so sometimes I’ll be reading off of them or at least try to remember how I wanted to say it and whatnot. try remind you

-

I’m not seeking attention or anything like that from this. I know some will think that when those are discussing such personal matters, but it’s just not. Mental health isn’t something to dick around about as well as other chronic health issues and whatnot.

I just wanted to post these somewhere where people I know can read them at their leisure kinda easily, I guess? if others who don’t know me, that just stumble by, welcome

this was the only place I thought of besides a few, but I decided here in the end on its own separate blog. I’m used to this site and I already had a main account. so, might as well make this my third.

I mean, I was going to eventually share em, but I guess now is the right time. I’m ok with that. bit nervous, but it feels, cathartic to post? I feel peace a bit in my boat

I still suffer from some of these issues, but I’m working on them the best I can. Some more than others I can tell ya that much :s trying though. all you can do. not really suffering, which sounds really bad, but dealing more like.

-

these are various thoughts I’ve taken down over the past like, 3 ish maybe 4 years?? some are also recent of this year. a few or so I dated with an edit mark at the end bc I remembered the month but some just got mixed in the end with no marks. 

these are thoughts on my disability, the internalized ableism I feel with it, how my anxiety and depression make me feel, family issues, dreams, love etc.

just, various topics in these posts ya know, aside from the many I meantioned above. some are quite personal and not meant for eyes in my opinion, but in this case, will be.

I had to sort them all out beforehand though bc I had over 30+ pages or ‘notes’ on my iPad of writings. I tried to organize them into similar categories of sorts with sameish topics. so, some might be off and i apologize. least things got written down in the end. excuse the awkward format and or repetition of some topics/issues as well if it does happen. I didn’t want to not only confuse myself, but others like my therapist and friends who will read/hear this when they do as well. 

I wrote whatever and whenever I felt low. I still do, but not as much as I did before I started my medication and sessions. Which was December of last year. I try though if something bothers me and a lot of things do. especially more lately with the recent quarantine and all. so writing session city it is

My therapist heard a majority of these expect for the recent edition which I am planning for next session in October. they thought it would be a good idea for me to share my thoughts on all this when I was ready. If other disabled folks post these types of issues, I can as well. Nervous though

I want some folks to understand what’s going on in certain areas of my life and whatnot without getting confused more than I do bc i bounce around. I feel like there is a possibility with the way I write.. either, way it’s here, it’s done.

-

I’ll be reblogging this post when I put up a new entry btw so it’s always at the top

(( read in any order as well. top-bottom, bottom-top. I’d suggest bottom to top, but that’s just me !! ** also, you can view what dates I posted these on in the top right corner :0 ))

-

either way, thank you for taking the time to visit and read my writings. they’re, something I tell ya ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#therapy journal #disabled post #welcome post

[talesfromacrip]

more ehh thoughts (recent edition):

w o w

can’t even speak my damn mind anymore in this house I guess without getting the whole, ‘get out then if you don’t like it here. look for a section 8 place and blah, blahhhh’ speech.

the signature speech of my parents when I get on their ‘last nerves’..

all just for speaking my mind. lovely

all bc I said something in regards to something political my dad was talking about. then saying black lives matter after bc it was also apart of the conversation

(which is my opinion)

that word doesn’t sit well in my parents ears.. my dad to be specific apparently.

he then started saying I should just look for somewhere else to go and that if I say that again, something will happen. (not anything violent on me,but make me leave to somewhere else type of happen )

guess my parents (specifically my dad) wants me dead if he wants me to go out and find somewhere else to go. it’s not like, idk, i have a fucking immunocompromised system or anything like that ya know?? also.... during a fucking pandemic as well ?? helllloooo, old man?? i just don’t know anymore sometimes with my parents

caught me off guard a bit and hurt really fucking bad.. like, wow. if that’s how you feel, then let me go which you won’t and won’t admit.

used to it though which is silly to say, but I can’t do anything much about it even if i tried. so, I must deal for now anyway I can.

we settled our differences though which, I’m glad, but I hate that I was the first one to do it. shows how it is in my family at times

-

at least my mom and few friends are on my side. ridiculous to be treated like this for having a fucking opinion.  

doesn’t help either to get teased about it. like I haven’t been most of my life already ya know, shit.

sick of this house sometimes. the people in it, I should say.. sigh

———

———

I feel like I’m not, as ‘feminine’ as a lady should be. adds to my existing body probsss

can’t put makeup on. can’t get my nails done. can’t use bath bombs. can’t use facial creams or certain acne products. can’t buy clothes I’d like to shape my body and whatnot.. it goes onnnn. I would like to do what a lady likes to feel/look her absolute best ya know.

I can’t though. trying?????which doesn’t really go anywhere much tbh

I have an unused makeup palette and lippies going to absolute waste in my drawer.

which, cost me gooood money bc gooood brand. treat myself.

to see it go to waste though,is heartbreaking...

I could be using it now during the pandemic,but I have no one to help me with it. I can’t do it myself with my fucked up arms/hands either so that’s a nope.

my mom won’t help me and I’ve asked. she has more important things to do than make me look like a little clowns spawn.

I have so many ideas and I can’t execute them as I’d like. never can and it hurts. maybe on a drawimg, but having it applied to your face is a much better experience. very relaxing as well,but to take off.. that’s a process

doesn’t help that I’m told I’d look better with it as well, which totally helps my self esteem ya know. "it suits your moon face and covers those acne bits.."

fucking hell.. like, let me be.

guess not though it seems :lllllll

-

I feel gross about my skin.. dry and flaky at times from my medication and bc my body is a lil ass. it’s fucking oily on occasions as well.. ughhh. a whole nightmare, in my opinion

small acne scars,pimples from an imbalanced body in miscellaneous spots and places where they shouldn’t be.. I hate it.

I cannot look at myself without wanting to scream sometimes. I just stare and flip through a plethora of thoughts until I’m sitting there watching myself cry

I can’t buy the right skin products without suffering a break out or some kind of allergic reaction either. that’s how ‘sensitive’ i am.. ughh and people think it’s sooo fucking easy to take care of your skin.

help me out then and do it for me instead of telling me when I’ve said why I couldn’t in the first place..

fucking shit

-

I use to do my nails and paint them different colors almost every other week or so when I was younger. that was when I could move them to a certain extent. now i just can’t much for that. maybe?but I don’t want to risk twisting my wrist again. which, oddly helped a bit, but I’m not risking it

can’t even paint my right hand without leaning into a terrible spine position bc of my curled in fingers. it’s "so easy" though.my big ass it is

so, I just leave them bare nowadays

I have chipped and or broken nails anyway from fidgeting and anxiety. so, that’ll get in the way when they’re colored

sigh

-

bath bombs are the most elegant form of hygienic self care. a bubbly concoction for your skin to dip in.. ughhhh. sounds so relaxing and funnn

can’t sit in a fucking tub though to enjoy it and I don’t have the walk in ones. just a plain walk in shower. every time I see someone post about them, I melt inside. so pretty with the glitter fragments and the colorsss...mm

how I wish I could endure a porcelain tub to soak and forget about the world for a moment.

I can dream, but that still hurts as well.

-

I used to wear slim fitting tops for my stomach bc I was one of the chubby ones ya know.

now, I want to use them more bc my body doesn’t look how I thought it would be at my age. due to medication and lack of movement, just made it worse and it’s not my fault. feels like it is though and I tried. still am and it’s been hard lately with the pandemic. massive buying spells again so, some healthy goods are not available.

apparently though it seems nowadays being ‘thicc’ is in when years before it was absolutely frowned upon.

I got teased for being ‘thicc’ and now I’m somewhat getting praised for it?? kinda weird circus did I buy tickets for? unless I didn’t??

like, what do y’all mean, now it’s in????? stop being such a rude wad of shit and quit playing with people like this.

I don’t know what to accept much anymore and it’s bothers me so damn much

even if you do get praised,you must meet the standards. with some that is, I should say. must be at least some sort of skinny. some sort of, shaped being that I don’t really want to explain bc I feel it’s obvious.

some disabled folks are almost never in this section and when so, seems very fetishized.

hopefully this paints a small picture or whatever size you prefer your canvas to be. I’ve already talked about my body and more like this just gets me upset

———

———

uggh why are people still making stupid party plans, going to crowded places and doing other irresponsible shit... during a fucking pandemic?? It’s literally s o fucking irritating.

these people do not grasp this it seems, but ooooooohhh. gotta go out and risk it for someone who doesn’t even care about my health,others and even themselves.

fucking dumb

-

funny to see them complain about being home and all bc of this. like, how do you think I’ve felt and countless other disabled folks like me? sucks h u h. no freedom to go anywhere for risk of a fucking accident or worse, d e a t h.

it’s easy as hell to stay home and keep yourself occupied but apparently it’s a big ass deal

read, write, draw, cook, c l e a n. go out in your, idk, backyard as your outside relief?? is it really that b a d of a need to go somewhere??

especially when eventually it’ll drain you and you’ll eventually go back h o m e anyway ??t’s ridiculous.

"you should be thankful you can even go out."

yeah, to appointments, groceries, and concerts o n l y.

I don’t have the fucking privilege to go out at my own leisure and when I do, I have to plan like a mf.

it’s not easy. can’t drive. van is always busting on us. parents are my only source of a ride. can’t even generally go out anywhere bc of stupid stairs and all that.

I swear. every time I see a friend, mutual or family put something like that.. irritates me. I wanna comment so bad,but I don’t want to start anymore drama.

maybe soon I will. who fucking knows

———

———

i miss shows and all, but I just don’t as much.

I’m paranoid to think of going to future ones now..

I’ve already missed a majority of concerts my whole childhood and teen years due to my disability.

I don’t want to miss out on my young adult life now that I’m somewhat in a ‘better state’ bc some of y’all don’t want to be cautious and follow rules.

shows are therapeutic for me, but idk anymore now if it’s makimg me like this

disabled folks like myself who enjoy these shows are in so much fucking danger, it’s ridiculous.

we already were anyways with moshing and all.. which I know some act like they don’t know.

y’all are so desperate to go like, what about the other fandom folks who can’t even attend these shows though?? sad

these lives performances some artists have been doing are perfect and we need to support them more with this format. encourage the fuck out of them like the do to us with their music and whatnot.

I was so fucking thankful DGD did one.

it was a great time, but not so great when everyone is like, but what about an ‘actual show’?

it’s just, never enough with some of the fans I swear. irritating

yeahhh ,lets risk the fuckin band/bands getting sick so they can play for us. yasssss. shows how much they read up on the members and care about their health/wellbeing.

———

———

being sober brings back a lot of suppressed memories. nights are bit hard when going through this

makes me remember quite a bit of conversations that others have probably or most likely have forgotten by now as well

irritating and sad. that’s how I get some of my dreams as well which cause lack of sleep at timessss y a y

———

———

I, over share too much at times it seems.. how the hell do people want to know me though????

if I’m making the situation, odd or whatever, fucking tell me instead of ignoring it and trying to move on with some stupid shit

if I can fucking sit through y’alls oversharing.. can with fucking mine

———

———

I hate how everything that’s so wholesome and genuine I see, I can barely even do and say..

I especially hate how I imagine it with someone who deserves better. this is wearing me out I swear to fucking god

I put some of my eggs in the wrong basket.. again

ohhh fucking boooyyy

least it’s a good basket..

———

sometimes I feel so uneducated when taking with friends. my mind is like a fucking mad libs book on new game plus.

it’s blanks out and replaces important vocabulary with some silly childish shit instead

#therapy journal #uhhh

[talesfromacrip]

this is a l o n g one:

I was debating whether I should post this or not bc of how freaking long and repetitive it is with some parts.

I’m going to though and in this format. I didn’t want to separate this into 2 long ass paragraph posts so I took screenshots instead to keep things in order somewhat when reading.

-

I wrote this last year during like, maybe mid August ?when I started to feel myself detach.

I didn’t really know what to do. I was in a few pretty toxic situations and in a fucking toxic place overall.

I couldn’t speak out to anyone I knew and that’s such an awful thing to do during such dark periods of your life.

so, I wrote it out in a weird ass open letter format of sorts. It was a sort of cathartic moment for me when I did this as well. Which, sort of helped me come back out of my disappearance.

I feel like I got a lot out and I did if it came to this much. I’m glad it was done though and glad those times are over. In some areas that is.

#therapy journal #disability #disabled post #open letter #the big one

[talesfromacrip]

this is, something:

tw// bdd, ableism,, ?? (some other tags,but I’m not quite sure atm)

this is a bit difficult for me to explain bc I tend to jump around sometimes. I’ll do my best for the most part

-

essentially I don’t like my body much, i feel like i wanna die bc of it some days and this bitch I drew (my oc) made it worse/was a way to cope with some of these issues. sure, I have moments where I do enjoy ‘certain parts’ of myself and all,but I just, don’t as one should. growing up till now present day, I was/am ridiculed for being fat and or disabled, sometimes both. which wasn’t/isn’t my fault. I thought it was though and I still do a bit. 

It’s not fun to look at yourself in the mirror.. I don’t know who I am sometimes when I see myself. I don’t recognize the person I see even though apparently it’s just, me. I can’t think of positives much and when I do, it’s just flooded by awful thoughts afterwards whispering in my ears. I try though? Emphasis on try that is. I’m not what people say I am ‘pretty’ ‘beautiful’ ‘cute’.. I don’t see that. I feel like it’s just a lie to make me feel better, but who knows.. 

I try not to dwell on it so much,but it comes up. constantly it seems.when I see pictures of people doing various activities. silly standards, comments from people I know, just omg. people in general I guess being/doing normal stuff.

I end up feeling worthless,low..other awful emotions overall about myself. I try not too, but people think it’s so fucking easy. trying as I said, but it’s hard sometimes. sigh

I try not to speak on it much bc it makes me disassociate and leaves me feeling very uncomfortable with myself in the process.  sometimes I do,but it’s vague.i play it off like it’s nothing when in fact it is ya know. it’s bothering me and effecting my life almost daily or daily, shit. 

—

I’ve received comments over time, from not only my parents, but people who were friends, family members,etc. that have flooded my brain and clouded my vision on my body image and disability..

comments like, I’m a bit too,lumpy in places like my thighs and arms

that I’m too pale. too bony in certain places that can’t be helped

that I don’t have a small and proper waist. (isn’t acceptable bc of stretch marks)

that someone my age shouldn’t be like this or look which thx ya know??

that I don’t have big enough breasts or any, for someone my age

that I have unacceptable hands to hold/grab things and feet to walk on 

that I don’t have a ‘normal looking face’ bc I’m a ‘big girl’ they say

just, ridiculous.. and it goes on believe it or not. I can, but that was enough for now. you think these wouldn’t stay with me though?that I would just, forget them so easily? 

I couldn’t even say anything back when some of these events occurred bc I’d get in trouble or probably made fun of more after.  so I tolerated it and kept my mouth shut. wish I didn’t

I’d just brush it off with a joke bc I’m that ‘funny, inspirational crip that’s not supposed to feel so down and just be happy’ and all that stupid ass crap they tell disabled folks. I felt awful about myself overtime when I shouldn’t have. no one should feel ashamed of their body or disability,, but I was. I am

I embraced ‘some’ parts of me as time went on from new faces I’ve met along the way. helping me cope with some issues. those thoughts are still lingering  though and it’s not fun to let them know it’s there. much less again that is ,ughh

over time I was down soon after bc old memories, self loathing. "the works" would just resurface and remind me that I’m not worthy, it’s all lies, impossible, etc. know I’m trying though ? Bit hard to filter

—

by trying to escape these thoughts though, I made this oc with the power of my hand and imagination to ‘help’ me ‘deal’

an image of me that i wanted to be, but obviously can’t

an image that others wanted me to be bc I didn’t/don’t fit into their standards and whatnot

an oc who could do anything and be bold in the process essentially

didn’t help that I knew ableists during the creation period who made me think that would be a possible’goal’ overtime. that I could be like that, look and even act if I tried hard enough. all that typical abled crap to make you feel better about something that’s just, not possible when presented with the truth.

some parts maybe, like losing weight or whatnot, but shit like my legs and all.. mmm,no. 

I believed it in the end thiugh bc I ‘cared’ about their words. pathetic

I wanted to escape.

not get drawn into it  by actually trying to somewhat be like that. impossible. 

some wouldn’t understand this I feel bc of how, odd I am and other stupid shit..it almost ruined and ended my life in the process though. 

—

when I drew those pieces for story art purposes, which I stopped completely. I felt lost, self conscious, disgusted.. I was in my absolute lowest points as well which didn’t help much. you think it would make me happy though and it did to an extent,but was all a facade. I didn’t know how to approach the subject bc it’s so, odd:l eughh

seeing something I created doing activities I cannot made me feel, disgusted and alien in a sense about myself overtime. so I stopped working on them and did other projects instead to ease myself which still bothered me to some extent.made excuses and all as I did 

I finished what I could though. to not only make room for others pieces,but also be a reminder that I’m no longer in that state much and with those people. I’m still troubled by the thoughts that came from them, but I must deal with it as best I can I guess

trying is all you can do

—

I’m sorry if y’all have ever complemented me and I was very, myehhh about it or anything of the sort to some extent . I don’t think I’m ‘pretty’ or ‘beautifulllll’ and all as some think of themselves or told me. I explained why and hopefully you understand

I’m, ok I guess??i try to tell myself some positives as I said,but I just feel guilty in the end.

I try not to be as, rude towards those comments or brush em off. if I am, I’m sorry. just, not used to them as much especially coming from genuine people and not fakes. hopefully I can get over this? 

sorry if you liked my oc as well and all, but some just ruined it for me. I’ll be making another soon anyway that’s more true to myself 

—

I already feel awkward and overwhelmed for talkin about this

there’s a bit more here and there,but I thought it was just unnecessary and ‘dark’ but hopefully this describes to an extent I guess??idk. Can always ask

I’m sorry if you’ve noticed or have not at all though.

I get extremely nervous about some personal matters,,but know I’m at least trying to get over em/deal with it anyway I can

that’s all I have. thx for listening?

(( this is in regards to a post I made on my nsfw twitter regarding some oc/sona art I did. just ask for link and all if you’d like to see ))

#therapy journal #disability #disabled post #tw #BDD #body dysmorphia #u g h

[talesfromacrip]

sobriety ._. :

I’ve been sober for about 7/8 months now and I’m glad to keep going

(( I’ve been sober since December 13th. Which is when I started going to therapy and taking my cymbalta for my depression and whatnot. ))

I used to drink quite a bit growing up. special occasions mostly or when I was having cramps, in the mood for some. Mostly red wine bc beer doesn’t sit with me right. 

disturbing to know though my habit turned into a serious matter. I wasn’t in a good mental state then at all either. I am now slightly, but it’s been on and off pretty badly bc of the virus talk, situations with friends and family, etc.

-

growing up, I was always told I’d get better in time by many doctors.that I’ll grow out of my severe rheumatoid arthritis and I’d be able to live a ‘normal’ life in the near future like the other little kidlings. I thought, my time has finally come now that I’m older.maybe I can be like that, but other matters were more at hand it seems.

when I sought out proper medical advice about seeing if I can be able to walk again, it didn’t really go the way I’d hope. after being promised all my life from doctors and after finally having proper insurance; I hit rock bottom. the dead end I was faced with killed all of my motivations. despite already sorta being there to begin with, but I had some hope then.

That’s when I turned too alcohol more after those days despite being on treatments that said not too. I didn’t care if I was drinking myself to death. I didn’t care if anything happened with my body anymore because it had no more use.  i had all kinds of horrible thoughts after thhat, that I’d just drink away everyday and try to brush into the abyss. I couldn’t though and it took its toll on me 

-

I would drink at least 2-3 full water bottles filled to the tippy top with red wine. which is all I can tolerate tbh, at least every night to every other constantly for 2-3 years. I could go through 2-3 boxes in a month and a half or so easily. I was that deep and I’m disgusted by it at times.

it was scary though bc I didn’t really know what to do or feel anymore. I was extremely embarrassed to talk about it and everything else that I was going through. I didn’t know who to talk too.. I did, but I don’t like bothering people with my burdens and whatnot so much.. 

drinking made me try to feel better about my life and myself but it took its toll on me and the others around me as time went on.. I was someone I didn’t really know much and I despised it, but I enjoyed it at the same time bc I could forget about these horrible thoughts  and possibly myself for awhile.

I’m thankful I’m not in that section of my life anymore bc it wasn’t fun at all. Maybe have seemed like it, but it wasn’t. I thought it was too. How silly of me.

dealing with ableism, family, my conditions, etc. is difficult, but I’m learning more now after years of pushing it away from this bs and this constant binging. idk if I’ll ever drink again tbh. I don’t miss it much now with my antidepressants.

I don’t feel that urge to drown myself in grape juice and talk like nothing is wrong when there is and always will be.  sigh

I don’t feel the need to kill myself slowly like this as well bc it was a ‘better option’ than me trying to do some kind of self harm when I can’t anyway. I thought about it a lot though and in my situation I’m just not gonna deal with that even if my mind wants too.

I have other things to deal with and I don’t want anyone else suffering anymore. I was and I’m upset for not seeking the help for it till it was almost too late it seems. I’m past that though and moving forward as best as I can from it.

#therapy journal #disability #disabled post #sobriety #rip grape juice escapades #tw

[talesfromacrip]

some thoughts:

I don���t feel well some days. I feel so lost.. I’m starting to disassociate again at times and it doesn’t help. I start feeling absolutely worthless, sad, frustrated. emotional whirlpool alert  so fucking overwhelmed nowadays and I act like nothing is going on sometimes bc I hide shit easily. I shouldn’t and I know, but it’s so damn repetitive. like a fucking carousel of absolute madness and I got a one way ticket to ride

there is so much chaos going on; everyday and I hate that I cannot do anything about it. I can, but not to the extent I’d like

feel so useless

sure, I can help in some ways, but not as much as I’d like and it irritates me. my internalized ableism has kicked in at a high bc of all this shit. I cannot stand it and myself in the process. I do to an extent, but holy fucking shit

all the dreams I’ve been having, snarky comments, yelling, drama. I’m, tired of it. I want out but I can’t even go o u t or get much less. I feel trapped. not only in my own house, but own my damn body

can’t go anywhere and I honestly don’t know if I ever will now. so damn tired and sick of this shit, but I won’t say it until my kettle squeals and what do ya know.. it did

I have to put up with some silly ass shit everyday. all the darn time

it’s just, annoyingly difficult to handle and adds more to my stress.. it is what it is though ya know. I hate saying that but idrk how to replace that without sounding like an ass

———

I’m concerned about Jolene and her eyes. she needs surgery for her cataracts and it’s really fucking expensive. like, 3 to 5 thousand big. We might be able to do one, but we don’t really know for sure yet. lots of smaller issues have been coming up and it gets in the way.

we can’t continue buying her eye drops forever. it could either do nothing much in the end or ruin her eyes completely. don’t want that for her at all.

I’m not stable enough to handle the death of another dog if something bad was to happen to her. we barely lost malibu in february and that wasn’t long ago. feels like years now as I write this tbh. It hurt my parents so much as well and they still feel it. 

———

I love my little family a lot and all, but sometimes it’s, alright. has it’s, moments ya know. I’m thankful that we’re getting along with each other more (er trying) than years before though.

There’s not much yelling or anything, but there are still those days that just, happen. Can’t be helped in the environment I live in. drains my battery so much. I just don’t know what to do sometimes anymore. I do, but I cannot act on them. I can talk, but that could lead to some hard times

sucks, yeah,but ya gotta put up with it or I do at least till whatever time I’m free from here. which I don’t think is ever,but we’ll see

I’ve been teaching them about ableism, occasionally how I’ve dealt with it and the internalized ableism that followed me and still does when I can.  My dad is all for this,but he still messes up when he has a dumb fit. My mom still struggles about the whole thing at times.  It’s not her fault. she is at least learning and trying too which I’m pretty glad about. occasionally though, I just don’t know if it’ll fully happen, but it is slowly. counts

I have to calmly deal though obviously, even if the comments set me straight off and give me the biggest migraine to date. also, intense jaw pain at times bc I don’t want to start yelling or crying. so I just clench and try to cam down my breathing so I don’t go full freak mode.

Shit like, who did this? you smoke too much, it’s all in your head. you and that word. do you think someone else will deal with this? why don’t you just leave then if you don’t like it here.. blah, blah. The usual  parrot babble I’ve always heard growing up and shit.

This is the reason why I don’t want anyone to know much about my parents in the first place and how they really are. Eventually they’re gonna, but holy fuck.. it’s, just not a fun experience/time I tell ya. embarrassing

when I do, it just, gets worse it seems. No one is gonna want to deal with me or my parents. I can barely deal with myself at times. ugh. mostly my parents or maybe me? both?? I don’t even know for sure. that’s how razzled i am about thissss

I’m gonna end up by myself and die alone by myself as the kids say. I’m probably not but who fucking knows. 

I’ve meet people like that towards me though?? I’m affected by it and it hurts. Trying to deal. working but it gets to me on some days as some other problems do.

what if they act the same way she does, them?? then what am I supposed to do? maybe they won’t? sigh, I don’t know anymore.  I do, but I don’t want to dwell on it so much. sigh

———

I’m sorry if it seems like I’m being an asshole lately these past few weeks, months, years? weeks though

I’ve been pretty stressed for awhile as I’ve said probably a million times and I’m trying my b e s t to hold it in, but it’s just been spilling out occasionally

I’ve noticed at times even if some have and I’m so sorry..

it’s difficult to bring up these issues and I don’t want to ruin anyone’s day ya know. even though it’s good too, say how you feel. I just struggle with it like an ass clown at times from how overwhelming it can be at times.

doesn’t seem like it bc I’m g o o d at hiding my ‘motions.

I’m or was, am? at my limit

I’m trying to "hold it together" which bugs me even more, but what can I do? obviously tell someone like I said, but i don’t like dumping my problems on people; especially now and idk how to really talk about it without me soundin.. u p s e t. it’s been constant though and I’m struggling. Trying though

I always have to though; keep it together, so everyone else doesn’t feel so down like they do with their issues. it’s such a tiresome thing, but I don’t like them being sad. I know they don’t like me either and I neglect that at times.

I’m tense about things and I just, can’t bother anyone to explain much bc everyone is "so busy" even during this time bc they have better things to do, but who knows.

I don’t want to bother anyone with my internalized ableism problems as always.. they’re getting a bit worse, the hell am I gonna do?

they can’t do anything anyway and it’s not anyone’s fault. i know they want too, but what is there to do?

idk, I just don’t want to continue brushing it off or lying about how I’m feeling and I do. Trying as much as I can to not be like that though. glad to have some reassurance in this as well.

#therapy journal #disability #disabled post #some thoughts #myehhh

[talesfromacrip]

start of a deep dive:

I’m upset constantly now.. everything, little or big, bugs the shit out me now. people, games, art, myself... I feel like I’m in one of those freaky black mirror or twilight zone episodes!! I keep thinking everything will go away, that it was all just a bad dream, that I’ll be fine..

I’m not and never will be though?!

I was told as a child that all of my problems will be fixed when I got older.that they’ll have a ‘cure’ figured out or a new surgery, something.

Nothing. even a so called specialist said no. It was only my 2nd opinion too.. I don’t know how to feel at this point.. what if it’s the same if got to another??what if there is a light at the end of the tunnel or maybe complete darkness? could I still be able too ‘walk’ or am I really stuck like this????

Now that I’ve been more open with this, people (family, ‘friends’) having been avoiding me and leaving me alone in my disgusting thoughts when I don’t want to be.

I don’t like being alone in my own company anymore. My negative thoughts are too much for me to handle and when I say some out loud, they’re either dismissed or somewhat fixable, but in the end,it’s just not. I just wanna end it at this point.

It’s been about 2-3 ish weeks since I saw the orthopedic..

Idk what to do anymore... I just draw, get high and watch videos or movies.repeat,same shit.,I feel no motivation. I don’t feel motivated like I did a few days/weeks prior to the appointment..

I thought everything will be okay. That the technology would help me.that the doctors from my past would be correct, no.

They left me like this. I left myself like this?

I feel disgusted with myself even though I was onlya child when I got this and all??

I should’ve done more, but I just couldn’t.

People thought I was joking then.. do my fused limbs and poor movement look like a joke to you now?

Let the ignorants get cursed with my disease in the future honestly, bunch of bastards.

I wanted to kill my self after that appointment.. no one wants to be with or associate with a ‘cripple’. some where right.. especially one that can’t walk again.

Y’all probably would’ve found out weeks later or months. Still wouldn’t care.. maybe, but that’s what I feel..

It was raining that day though. There were high ass stairs and a big, winding ramp going up to the building.when I got out after, I thought about driving my chair in ‘full force’ out and down onto those said stairs.didn’t care if I broke my neck, arm, legs or my chair at that point. FUCK it

Can’t walk anymore so what’s the point in achieving these dreams and hopes I was, ‘promised’ for. I can ONLY draw, play games, and sing to an except. Can’t wipe my ass, bathe myself, feed myself properly or put on clothes, etc. what’s the point of living when I can’t even enjoy enough out of it cause I can’t move???

(( edit // late 2018, sept-oct ))

#therapy journal #disability #disabled post #internalized ableism #tw #tw suicide

[talesfromacrip]

d r e a m s:

———

———

(( I’m sick and tired of having nightmares that involve me getting lost, losing someone I deeply care about, or something just, really fucking terrible in general that seems like a good thing, but makes me incredibly sad ))

-

oneI was camping with some people I know. I was walking around and then I got lost. I ended up in a giant field

I was in the middle and called out, nothing came out. I was mute and then I could hear everyone and I ran back and somehow slipped down into a building of some kind? the dream transitioning

I was near a staircase of sorts and then I feel someone grab my back. They then push me backwards into it. I wake up

Nature is scary to me and I don’t like getting lost, but falling down the stairs to my death?? That was an actual thing I wanted to do.. it’s, horrifying to see it happen in a way and feel as well

-

A reoccurring one I have where I’m sittting in an office of sorts waiting to see a doctor. Everyone I knew was coming in and out at leisure once done with appointments and would look at me with a sort of plastic face after. Once it was my turn, I was inside instantly and met with a high backed chair. A woman’s voice spoke to me, asking me all sorts of questions I don’t remember but remember being asked. Felt like forever  In the end they turn around and it was me.. am I like, my own therapist and one for others in some ways? I don’t really know, but it was pretty strange 

-

Had one where I was at another mall/concert venue and this time it was to see some show. There were people running suddenly because someone had a fucking gun. I saw blurred out faces and could only stand there. Didn’t do anything, didn’t move as people ran past me

I then hear it pop somewhere near my ear, waking me up frantically after 

Reason I had this, and i know damn sure is bc there was a fucking shooting not even 15 mins from my house.. How lovely to know 

Like, wtf... I want to take people there when they visit, but now I don’t want to go near it and dreaming of it makes it worse bc I don’t want to even go out

...

I’ll probably just the other dreams up or maybe not, idk. depends

———

———

(( I don’t wanna wake up from them. I have a leave the server mood, which, is pretty awful.

I haven’t thought about that much. Occasionally I will, bu t not this bad.. sigh Internalized ableism is a bitch and so are other things, but shit

I’m glad I’m over something’s in my life,but some stuff just gets brought up again or happens.it overwhelms me so much..so fucking much ))

I hate having dreams of me in places I’ve never been too and never will for reasons that can’t be helped. Obvious ones 

Seeing people I know minding their own business or doing extraordinary things that I’m involved in which I know some will never happen or happen as I’d like

Dreams where I’m running from someone or maybe something? calling out into a dark and empty void. Falling, being alone in the action. Ughh

Dreams where I can’t go outside anymore bc there’s a wall. Kinda like in a video game to mark the end of a map boundary..

it’s like I’m in that black mirror episode of that woman trapped in her mind who can see outside while her body is on this, odd autopilot mode. I wake up feeling so empty bc of these dreams, upset, the whole pie essentially or less

My dreams feel so alive and it’s nice to feel that, but waking up and then having to deal with reality. sinks in pretty fast and hits you with a fatal heart bullet

sometimes I’m dying of heat from them or shortness of breath like I was startled or crying heavily, sometimes I wake up and try not to cry if it’s too much. I’ll occasionally go back to sleep but I’ll just end up in the same cycle essentially. I don’t want that

I start having mood swings from them and feel ashamed when I shouldn’t.it’s not fun to explain what happened in your tiny little head sometimes during the night hours. I act sort of, distant and bitchy in the process and i don’t mean to. I just,don’t like bringing up the same things and sometimes not

especially if someone I know is in them constantly and it’s, personal. Makes things awkward when talking with them 

———

———

I hate having dreams where I’m married to someone who I know doesn’t see me that way and it hurts my heart so much. At least it’s someone who actually cares about me 

I can’t do anything for them though and never will. hurts

idk why my brain thinks I c a n.. it’s a pretty sick joke tbh. Maybe I can do somethings, but not as I’d like. I want to do so much for them, but can’t at all..

I know they probably care about someone else anyway like that who’s just, wayyyy better than me in every way:l

Probably closer, can move easily better than me, nicer than me, more upfront. Not struggling with stupid parents and a stupid crippled lifestyle. Probably makes them extremely happy and not a sad ass mess. Probably  does better art than me, cooks better

Hell, I bet they even look better than me as well.. but who fucking knows?

I can’t even talk to them properly anymore it seems, probably think I hate them or don’t want to do anything with them when I want to so badly, but I just don’t say anything. I don’t want to hurt myself more, but I already am

I resort to small talk and whenever I don’t, I talk about some dumb shit instead of actually saying how I’m truly feeling and all that and it pisses me off..can’t even get married anyway :)) Like, thank brain and heart

I hate having these fluffy dreams of having this life with this person..a comfy one that’s so perfect it could melt your eyes from the sap it produces. It’s so warm, but oh so far away and out of my reach.. physical, mentally..

Obviously I don’t hate it, I just hate how my brain tortures me like this

Sometimes I’ll have dreams where they don’t see me, hear me.. just, ignore me completely. They talk about me like I never existed, say horrendous things.. I know they are not true but it just seems like it

———

———

I wish I didn’t have the ability to dream tbh. Sure it may be nice and everyone’s or somes, "favorite activity", but I just don’t really like it much anymore

My dreams hurt worse than reality and it makes my heartache so badly every time I wake up.. I have to put on my face though and just, go with flow as they say.. to just lay there though, every morning and not being able to do what you like, but can in another state, is so weird and confusing on the mind and body. Mine to be exact. Sure it may as well be the coolest thing ever and may help with your problems and such but it’s just heart aching in general. For me that is, sigh

-

I hate waking up feeling horny because I cannot do anything about it or touch myself as I’d like.. just, sad what more can I say on that?

I do feel happy occasionally from some dreams at times, but then reality hits me like an isekai truck right after and I’m kinda left in this weird empty state in the process when I wake up. -

I cope with them by being a silly ass or what seems to be like a rude bitch, but it’s difficult to just downright say what’s going on. don’t want to ruin anyone’s day with my problems and with everything going on, but I must and I never do? I try?? ughh.. If only I could be a bit better with handling things.

I’ll get there, eventually? We’ll see

———

———

I love and "hate" having dreams about living on my own without a care in the world. it’s as if I never had any problems to begin with; sun shining on my face as I realize over time it’s all just a facade and I’ll wake up soon bc it’s just, too perfect..

something is just, off completely? Like I’d ever have a place with stairs and inaccessible hallways and whatnot.. pshh, I’ve never really dreamt about living in an accessible place or anything like that much anyway  bc of the immense ableism put on me growing up

It’s hard to explain that to people as well and makes you feel, alien in some ways

I thought it was something silly I noticed, but over time it just made so sad bc I will never be able to live on my own and never will, but in my dreams I can. which makes it worse on me bc it’s just, not gonna happen champo

-

cooking foods I like and would like to, relaxing at my own pace with no yelling or screaming, opening the door to warm familiar faces.. hurts

I don’t have many scary anxiety induced dreams like I did last year and before. now they’re just, idk very abled and it’s weird and I don’t like em much  

Idk why i never noticed till the end I guess, but it’s better than dreaming of people who used to hurt you and made you feel like shit about your life and your friends as well so that’s a plus in its own ways

ughh, self torture is a bitch and she’s out to get me ughh

#therapy journal #disabled post #disability #dreams #internalized ableism #ableism

[talesfromacrip]

l o v e:

I hate being in love.

I don’t hate it, I just say that bc I’m not used to feeling like this much and so, strong?

especially with someone though who deserves a life and wife better than yourself

I can’t do anything for them and yet i dream like i can and all, it hurts

just hurts so fucking bad

I can’t tell them that and even if I did, it would just lead to more issues and we’ve been through enough as is

they don’t deserve that kind of stress bc I realized how I feel about them late even though I’ve always have, just was never in a good state and all.

sigh.. I’ve put them through enough as I said

why add more fuel to the almost dead fire it seems?? I might be overreacting, but who knows.

I love everything about them and I honestly don’t know why they still have been around me this long

probably thinks that of me as well. they do, but it just feels like they don’t. such a nice brain I have

I don’t know why I’m so nervous and scared to say such.. things like that

I could before, but that was in my weird, disturbing abled state of mind and during my deep dive into the depression zone

I could say anything it seems and now I just can’t..

u

g

h

I dig myself into such silly holes I swear

———

I honestly don’t know how some people can confess their feelings

I’m so terrible at it. I try, but it’s, not the best tbh. Never is actually.others are far more better than me.

I don’t like having these strong feelings, I do, but holy shit it’s difficult to manage especially when it’s constant. It makes my soul ache every damn fucking day or other

I’m hurting myself, but how do I tell someone that I’d like to be with them for as long as we have left??

that they make me so fucking happy even if I’m feeling like the most foul and lowest piece of garbage ever??

that their smile and overall presence is truly a gift to this world??

how do I tell someone that almost every song I hear is about them??

every time I see something interesting I’d like to share, but don’t bc I’m being annoying and all that.. how?

I know I’m overreacting, but that’s what I feel

———

ughh, I get myself into some difficult situations. I’m at a crossroad haha

I’m such a goof. I’m in deep though.very deep if I dream about them occasionally and whatnot, have strong urges to comfort and caress them, be at their side,fight anyone who bothers them.. civilly that is

but

they deserve more than me. I can’t,, be there as I’d like.can’t, do things like hold their hand or anything, just ughhhh

fucking hell

this person is so wonderful.. I love them romantically and sexually which is a big step even if i can’t take any actual ones hahaaa j o k e, but serious on the feelings though

this person has been through so much and deserves so much in return..so, so damn much. if only they knew just how truly important they are. They probably already do, who knows. I try to tell them occasionally and I feel like I’m being too much

———

they have better people apparently though or a person that can be there for them whenever they needed.

they can hug them, kiss them. do all the affectionate things I could never do.. make them food, help them clean, something, anything.

I can’t go out with them almost anywhere, go over to their house, get in a damn vehicle.. I’m so boring.. can’t do anything fun with a stick in the mud like me

like, who wants that???

who the fuck wants to be tied down to someone who constantly lives inside and can never truly explore the outside world as they like??

———

if only I could be so brave and tell them how I really and truly feel, but others have beat me to it.. I just know it. :)) actually I think they have and if I remember, was told 

they’re probably better than me anyway and can do much more than me, so why bother?

#therapy journal #disabled post #disability #internalized ableism #ableism #anxiety #idk what else to tag tbh

[talesfromacrip]

why I don’t do nsfw art and junk:

makes me feel very uncomfortable at times. idk if it looks right pose/color etc wise, is this too much/little?, should I let people know I like this shit?, will I be judged like always?? Like, no cripples make nsfw work like this?? maybe, but who? I rarely see any sort of disabled artist. 

-

I have no privacy at all sometimes. my room is a central hub for silly shit which makes me a bit frustrated when working on it. Doesn’t help that I don’t have any at all in this category. just, dumb

-

it’s something that’s so abled. makes me feel left out and really sad.. which is almost always. I’m not, experienced in that field nor have the privacy to look into it as I please. I’ve never really been exposed to a disabled view of it thiugh without it being a disgusting fetish it seems -

It was in the way of other more important projects that I could focus on or just wasn’t at all. As much as I liked drawing it and all. just difficult in the end bc I felt like i was in a different mindset during it. Adds more onto my depression and anxiety train.

I’m not afraid to get back into it, but it just makes me extremely nervous bc it’s not my field. It is. It can be,but I feel like I’m not acceptable much in it

#therapy journal #disabled post #disability #ableism #internalized ableism #tw sex talk #tw #anxiety #tw nsfw

[talesfromacrip]

extra thoughts on the brain:

———

———

i don’t get people who say they want to spend time with you but do it with others instead without, letting you know beforehand

I don’t get how people can do activities and whatnot with some who are problematic and when you want to with them; they just brush it off like nothing. just say you didn’t want tooo. not that hard

———

———

You know, I appreciate folks from school that reach out to me bc they remember I’m an artist. The one thing that bugs me though is they except it for free and at a rapid pace like.. it takes time.

I’m not a damn canvas wizard proofing art into existence so easily on a canvas, sheesh

pay up with that job/degree ya said you were gonna get then we’ll talk, sis

———

———

it irritates me that some people think I can really leave my house easily and that it’ll fix my depression/anxiety issues as well

nothing is as accessible as one thinks.

can’t drive.

can’t get ready as I’d like.

can’t be out in public without panicking.. goes on.silly

this is why I stay home even though I don’t want to, but I have too. still, what c a n I do out there?

believe me, I’ve tried things, but it doesn’t help much

I can’t move n enjoy any activities as I’d like.

I don’t want to just sit and stare like i always do as well, boring.

I want to be engaged. when I can, just makes me feel worse though

———

———

I don’t like when people lie that they’re going to sleep and they’re still up.

doing whatever it is they’re doing and then complain next day that they are tired.. hmmmm, I wonder fucking whyyyyyy?? you tell me I stay up? the damn audacity I swear.

ohhh, I’m going to sleep.. continues to play game, watch something or post

just, stop it and sleep.

stop telling me in the process while ya at it bc my insomnia will eventually whoop my ass

———

———

to think, growing up I was told I’m lucky I get to stay home and essentially do ‘nothing’ bc of my disability

now, those that have told me that, are now in the same boat bc it’s a mandatory thing now

like, who’s ‘lucky’ now? it’s not fun to be stuck in your house all the darn time like some of y’all think

I had to though bc I didn’t wanna get sick and no one wanted me around bc they thought I’d get them sick, etc. (typical ableds)

so, it doesn’t bother me that they’re complaining, but it does

do something like y’all told me. hangout w/ your family or kids and not worry about wanting to party and all that frivolous shit.

grow up like y’all said.. it’s time and should’ve been

like, y’all can walk and do a vast amount of activities. I can only do a few and that’s a lucky thing for me

I just, don’t understand some people sometimes

———

———

I honestly hate abled people sometimes for always flaunting their abilities to go out and do activities without any regard for some who just can’t at all..

I especially hate those that rub it in as well

"ohh, I got to hangout and go blah, blah"

like, well, that’s really cool and ok? you have irl friends and accesible transportation..

l u c k y you. wish I could but you just have to just, smile and wave, boys. smile and wave

it’s not easy to go out which some still fail to grasp, firmly

———

———

remember when I used to say things like oooh I could hug you or kiss you guys and all that?

I had to stop myself bc it got me into a very sad mental state and it still does

I wish I could hug and kiss the people I know and want so, so badly but I just can’t..

sucks to every end of the universe as well when it’s rubbed into your face

whenever I see that written out or said to me, I want to cry.. cry, cry, cry bc sometimes I do. I want to show that affection, love, care.. but I can’t and it makes my heart ache

sometimes it feels like more than a hug with some and all that

I’m not gonna get that response as I’d like back and even if I did, I get scared and try to brush it away when that’s not it

why do you think I drove away all the affection I was given?

can’t do it and if I wanted too.. there’s only a few or less that I would other than that I’m alone and left to deal with mixed emotions

I want to actually do it and writing it out makes me feel at ease but it makes me terribly sad.. I can’t do it and thinking about it makes me feel worse bc I can’t and never will

I wanna wrap my arms around someone.. a specific someone but I may never

heart sigh

———

———

I don’t get how some people are like, "ohh, I’d like to have whatever days off and just relax like y o u.. must be really nice and super fun, oooo, yasss!!! ‘self isolation’ will be great for me, omg."

then when this shit hits, a real crisis, not even a week or so into it,

"ohh I don’t want to do this anymore, wahhh.. I miss working, I misss nature, I miss this and that.. I haven’t seen the sun in so long.. what does the sky look like?"

umm, didn’t you just say that you’d like to stay home and do "nothing" like y’all think I and other disabled folks do, etc?

‘self isolation’ is not fun. I’ve been doing it for years before it even was called that. maybe it already was, but I honestly never pay attention much like I should

don’t you just love it though? super fun huh?

it’s not unless you know how to keep yourself occupied

some of these folks don’t know how to do shit and it makes me sad.. I wish I could do shit and people are literally taking advantage of it, ughh

———

———

I can’t call people cute nicknames much anymore.

I got into it too much sometimes and acted a bit friendlier than supposed too with some when I shouldn’t have. Some where ok though, but over time I just, stopped

I know some probably wonder why I don’t do that much. maybe not, idk

I don’t want to hurt myself though bc if it’s the right person, I’ll be super all up in it and I have.

It’s really nice though and I miss it.. hopefully I can do it again

Sucks that a grinch made me think doing it is silly and childish though when they did it to me. people are really something I swear :l

———

———

idk why people think I like being left alone. I just don’t like bothering people much bc idk what they’re doing. sure you can ask, but when it comes to me, I panic. everyone’s schedules are different as well and during this time, it’s just gotten worse. both ways

absolutely dumb though .. as if a disabled person like myself would like being alone. sure, maybe to rest my brain, but it’s just a silly thing to assume in general

who like being alone..? no one, it’s just, not a pleasant feeling and no one should, but they do

#therapy journal #disabled post #disability #internalized ableism #ableism #extra thoughts #anxiety #stress #tw

[talesfromacrip]

Tea Time With Yours Truly:

Don’t you love it when you finally realize you’re truly moving on from a toxic situation like the adult you are, when a song you like makes you rethink your visions, feelings, etc. of someone?? or it that me? everything starts to feel entirely new again though regardless. better n’ cooler bc you know you’re not suffering anymore.. just, a fantastic feeling. woo

fucking incredible. I’m F R E E. absolutely free. still hurts though. some things made me realize I should’ve done it sooner and I did. as best I could, i did.I tried all I could and I succeeded for the most part,but damn do they haunt me so badly. I hate it.

Go away, pest. the last 5/6 years have been an emotional roller coaster for me and I want off.somehow I did,the ride still catching me occasionally and pulling me back on, dragging me to the unknown

((some good things happened here n’ there like me meeting some friends I still talk toooo, playing new games and finding new animes))

it’s just good to know though that my mind doesn’t associate them with anything anymore bc they didn’t deserve anything much tbh. just like told me

———

———

I really want to bug my online buds constantly. From when I get up to when I fall asleep. send them memes, all that funky jazz..but I don’t. I can’t. I feel like I’m too clingy.. too needy.

I AM ACTUALLY. I shouldn’t care, but I do. Maybe it’s because I’m too emotional, too sensitive, too much, blah, blah, blah. Something "bad". Shit the grump hated that has just stuck to me like black balloons since. (( NF is the same with his mental issues. I’m glad to know I’m not alone with thinking of depression, anxiety, etc. as black balloons. Their like lifeless weights, but we still feel them weighing us down))

I love constant communication, especially from close friends.. bug me. 24/7. whenever, whatever. I don’t do anything. much that is. I’m overwhelmed when communicating nowadays so help me out pls??or not><

I don’t ask for it much though bc i was put down for asking for it. I was always told to say certain things as well, not think a certain way, send things at certain times. nothing nsfw even though we where adults. no art much bc it was always judged, other dumb shit.. I felt like the ultimate fucking bother bc of that.. person.

So I stayed to myself because of that and that made me worse ove time.

((I drove some people away when I did and I still am I feel,but I’m trying not too.. I couldn’t deal with myself though, I felt absolutely horrible. When I did, I said some nasty shit and I regret it all because a prick made me feel like complete shit and worthless about myself. I didn’t have to take it out on others like that, but wow.. I did. If I told anyone though,he’d come after me and that was what I didn’t want.. so nice huh?))

I felt like a broken down old dog. I still feel like that occasionally not as bad. not a pleasant feeling at all though

Are all of the things that make me like this really that bad or annoying or make me even less though?? fuck no it doesn’t. It makes me wayyyy better and much more cooler honestly, but those feelings still linger bc the manipulation was so bad..

—

Why the hell would you want me to be boring or better yet be with a boring person who doesn’t talk much and puts others down for similar behavior??

Why would I be with someone who doesn’t share any interests with me much or puts mine down bc they’re childish or unnecessary??

Why would I be with someone that doesn’t communicate anything at all and whatnot,like...please tell me??

I’m genuinely fucking interested.

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They told me I was always being too nice all the time. too soft, too babyish. too honest. too sensitive. blah, blah, blahhh. whenever I said something that was tooo personal or informative it’s like: "That’s too much information don’t ya think??" UMM, N O?? "Don’t say that around me ever or I’ll unfriend you and never speak to you again." Okay.. THEN DO IT, PUSSY.

Fucking asshat, douche canoe looking ass cunt.. ((He didn’t like those words or almost any word tbh it seems. true killjoy, I swear and I thought I was. I couldn’t even say oh my god or anything with lord in it because he’d then start saying "why are you saying that when you’re an atheist?" Umm actually I’m agnostic.. ))

he hated the whole "umm actually" deal too that I would do.. literally drove me up the damn wall every time. who fucking cares if I say that?? I’ve been accustomed to it because of my parents and people in general. come the fuck on now

It’s pretty common to say, twit. Don’t take it seriously, joke or not to piss me off to make you happy..man, he irritated the hell out of me and I’m glad he’s gone. like..look ‘bud’ should I just be angry and a constant liar and hateful and just, overall vile like you then all the time?? Guess so huh!! ohh boy!!

Which was almost that unfortunately.. i’m not good at lying and all like you though, you snake. when I did it wasn’t how I was feeling, it was how you felt.. which disgusted me.

I was always honest to you. maybe a few lies, but those were mostly about certain games that I didn’t really play and what I was laughing at. which was your dumb ass most of the time.

He made me start to hate things that made me very happy by being a total prick about it.. I miss feeling overwhelmed with overflowing joy for the things that bring and brought me peace.

I still have it, but it’s not as strong as it was before because some dumb fuck stepped on it too much telling me I’m weak in the process.

I couldn’t like anything anymore much without hearing him yelling at me occasionally and others as well that I never noticed till everything happened. just,yelling at me loudly and telling me how awful i am and other annoying, idiotic shit.. maybe that was your plan all along , to ruin me. ruin my confidence, my strength and my will to move up and thrive in life..

you tried dragging me down your well for being myself when you couldn’t.. pathetic. I bet you’re happy bc you feel like you ‘succeeded’ with this,but you didn’t win the war.

You never will

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they always manipulated me to dislike the things in life that made me happy. This irritated me a lot.. ((my interests in obscure and ‘buttrock’ bands/music in general, anime, weird games, my love for peculiar art, my badass friends..))

said absolute dumb shit if I got closer to some more than them. ((making me waste sooo much god damn time. say you’re busy all the time even though you live a "boring fucking same day to day lifestyle." tell them how you can’t message all the time when in fact you can and that you’re constantly on the only device that gets you connected to the world outside. tell them.)) makin me lie and be distant about how I felt with some of my amazing friends..

It was never about how I truly felt, but how they felt for me. (("Ohh they made you feel like that?? Well, it made me feel like this and you should too because //insert dumb explanation here//.", "You shouldn’t feel like that towards them, they don��t deserve it.", "Maybe I deserve to be treated like that instead, screw them.", "Don’t feel like that towards them or //issue//, thats absolutely appalling, childish, flat out sappy.", "Don’t let them know how you’re really feeling.. just act like you don’t care at all. They don’t care to help you anyway or else you’d be living a better life.", "They’ll just spread it around so just stay quiet instead until spoken too about it."))

E N D ME !!!  

Pls, I beg of you.. not really but the thoughts though, please

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he would tell me to not bug him when hes on a game, but he could to me. even on social media, which is how we stayed connected and not by messenger pigeons like it’s the 1500’s.

"Don’t bug me on FB when I’m not on." Okay, but I wanna share this with you...?? also, how the hell am I gonna know when you’re on when I’m drawing and trying to occupy my on edge brain??

proceeds to spam me shit in process irritating me. "Don’t bug me, don’t bug me" I hear like a whiny little baby.

"Why do you bug me all the time??" UMM, MAYBE BECAUSE I CARE AND I WANT TO UHHH, IDK SHARE THIS NEAT SHIT WITH YOU??? PENDEJO PUTA DE MIERDA!!

"I’ll message you and send invites when I feel like it." - Shithead towards the end. Circa 1818. ((Yeah, weeks or a month later like nothing happened. "I’ll see you later or tonight when I see you on, get back on, when I’m done eating" just, excuse after excuse..))

((IM ALWAYS FUCKIN ONLINE 24 GAT DAMN 7.  YOU KNOW THIS, SHITHEAD. I ALWAYS WANT TO TALK TO YOU OR SOMEONE IN THE DAMN GROUP. DNT FUCK WIT ME, MY TIME, OR PATIENCE LIKE THAT ANYMORE. ENOUGH. S T O P. And it did.. thank g o d))

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would literally make me wait around and feel like a complete and utter fool when instead he could’ve messaged and been like maybe tomorrow or something, but no.. nothing. made me believe in all sorts of dumb shit. ((Sad I did, but I was pretty gullible. still am. some stuff was just, a big nope though and obvious. I wouldn’t let him get to me that much, but he did in some ways.. disgusting ..))

I was made to feel like I was cared for when in fact I never was to begin with. explains a lot tbh. I felt like a disgusting half empty shell of a person with barely any fragments of a heart and soul left inside. that’s very dark, I know, but that’s how it feels in a way

"It’s not real, this depression you’re feeling, it’s just a phase. it’ll pass/ just suck it up and move on / don’t worry about it you’re fine, you’re just overreacting or overthinking about it / think positive more and be happy nothing bad has really happened to you yet/ I remember when you didn’t act like this."

HOW AND WHAT?!? EXCUSE ME, PEASANT!? SAY THAT AGAIN.. TO MY ACTUAL FACE. I DARE YOU N’ YEAH, I DO TO CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.

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I love how people ((friends and some mutuals)) thought I actually wanted to be, be with him, romantically and all that, that is but I just couldn’t..it was never there. I felt it for others though or someone to be exact, during those times which is how I knew I was in a toxic situation and it wasn’t real love or love in general I felt for them. just a facade

I just couldn’t let people know how badly he was treating me so I was sucked into a woven web of lies that got out of hand and ruined some pretty good moments for me completely it seemed

I never once wanted to fuck him or anything of the sort.

at first, we were kinda flirty and sweet with one another. talkin about cuddlin n’ goin on silly dates when we meet ya know. cute and fluffy things. things I got shit for down the road keep in mind. we’d give each other cute lil compliments to one another. It was just, cute and fun stuff ya know. especially since we were young as well.

there was never anything sexual between us either or too sexual, just crushy feels. ((I’m really fucking glad because mm, mmm. hard fucking pass))

he’d never and i mean never get my moist meter high, EVER. drier than this damn valley I live with scattered tumbleweeds, I tell you. not even a lil tingle. no bells ringing.fireworks flinging. I thought about it too and I’d just get disgusted tbh. thats how I knew

I felt like he’d be the worst in the end anyway and he was in general. he wasn’t even comfortable with himself or his sexuality and others things.. sooo, noooo, NOPE. thank u, next!!

I’m completely comfortable with mine.. thanks to my friends and some a bit more. I’m a bit scared to admit though that I’m demi bc of manipulation, but it is.

Happens unfortunately and I know I’m not alone on this journey of self acceptance. I wouldn’t have mind talking about it though, in a calm civil manner like adults do instead of giggling and making weird noises like an idiotic child.

Having it being brought up randomly amongst mutuals and all that got extremely awkward too as well, I hated it. "You wanna fuck him?", "You ever thought about it you two since y’all so close?" crickets and a few mumbled noises.. HA.mmm, I cared about him or what was left of him, not like that. honey flower ain’t or never will be feelin it for him.. EVER. HE EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED ME AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW SEX THAT MUCH OR MYSELF LIKE THAT SO FUCK HIM. uwu

She’s kinda quiet and scared tbh because he’s such a total killjoy asshole. she senses fear. she knows who really gets her bud blooming. just, the thought of him though like that made me wanna scream and kick him in this stupid ass face.

Ruined a lot of things for me, I swear but I’m moving on as best as I can.

—

He had this switch flip type of mood. I don’t even remember how or why it happened, but it just got worse during and after his breakup it seems.

Which was like 3-4 years ago. started happening out of the blue and over time it just started to bug the living fuck out of me. daily. I was starting to hate it and hate it I did. made my skin crawl.. ((all the Linkin Park jokes))

It made me hate myself which I never did much tbh and I didn’t like that at all.. I wanted out, but I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know who to talk to bc he’d come after me if I did especially if they knew him..

they didn’t though and were on my side, but yeah. I’m glad it stopped

A L L OF IT. I don’t need that kind ‘love’ in my life. that,awful presence. I don’t need any of that at all.. MMM, MMM BYE, BYE!! Disgusting.

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I wanted to help em try to be happy so fuckin bad after what happened ya know as friends do, when it should’ve been myself making me happy instead.. it was,but everything just got to me.

All the sighs. How lovely huh. We were ‘best friends’ ya know. I can’t even really call anyone that much bc it unnerves me. you’re supposed to make each other happy and all that as best friends, not a sad sack of low shit.

I can’t believe I wanted to be with him and or be around him that is... eughh. I was confused and in a dangerous situation towards the end.. feels like it was my fault, but it wasn’t.

Couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It was extremely fucking stupid on my part

Long time or not, why? just, holding onto old times I guess

That’s where I messed up. I didn’t even really bother trying to be with him tbh as I’ve said. in the beginning maybe yeah when we were younger, but he made me feel less and less over time as we grew older. I was embarrassed about a lot of shit and slowly I just finally realized how much of an asshole he really and truly is and how bad I wanted him out my life.

I couldn’t get away and when I did, he’d still be there someway.. haunting me with his negative nagging.it was dumb I know. I just don’t know exactly how I got lost in it so damn badly, but man, am I really dumb for doing it..

I wholeheartedly despise those feelings I had then and I fucking despise them now. ALL OF THEM. THEY HAVE RUINED MY LIFE AND IDK WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

((Great character development though, Cynth. Growing up and moving on. Something he could never do))

I don’t want to bring these problems into anyone else’s life and I did and I regret it.. I would like to disconnect from the server please bc of it, thank you

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I was made to feel like my disability was cureable around him and that I can do shit when I get my operations done when in fact, I can’t at all and won’t ever get ‘cured’ or anything like that of the sort.typical ableist /lamdwalker activity. despite how many times I told him,he’d forget. Mhmm, sure.. you only heard what you wanted. It’s fine

"We’ll be able to do this when you get said //part// fixed.." what? can I not do that now or something?? I know I can’t, but I can at least try right?? am I really not that good enough to be around and do shit with?? guess so, cool. Okay, I see. I really tolerated some extreme ableism and I still do, but it’s not as bad as that was..

I wish I could cure my RA though like that and have said money to do it. Snap my fingers and it’s done right? ummm, no. not as easy you think dumb ass. I have fused joints, osteo, it’s everywhere like how the hell am I gonna fix that so easily?? tell me, doc

You trippin more than younger me did. I think that’s why he just flat out ditched me in the end and got a gf while he was at it that had an almost exact personality as me in the process. he would point it out too and made me feel fucking creeped out even more.. like, I get it. can’t be youre, abled dream

Why do you care if we’re alike in some ways though?? ((Look where it got him though. He’s still struggling with it, the breakup, bringing it up once n’ awhile like it didn’t happen. It was hilarious to me bc he really was a basket case. I know he was trying to get rid of it, but he was more obsessive about it than a mf))

thankful I don’t deal with it anymore

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"You live the same day to day lifestyle. Ever since you and I graduated. The same fucking thing. The only new things you do are go to your stupid concerts or teach those weird kids. I see it or you end up telling me anyway." ((I know captain obvious yet again.. at least I’m having fun when I’m doing that. concerts for my favorite bands make me happy, teaching my kids do too ya asshole))

"Nothing is gonna change anyway if you get those procedures done. It’ll be worse for you and we all know that. Just deal with it and try to move on." ((I hate hearing your voice in my head. I want to ban it, mute it from all existence.. I’ve been replacing it with others and I’m glad it’s working))

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I keep hearing his voice sometimes when I post something on social media. not his actual voice, but something similar, especially in tone. moody and monotone. art,status, any of those with hashtags, rt‘s, anything.. I heard it

"Why did you post that?? Looking for attention or something?", "Not many people liked it because it’s //insert stuff I love here//", "Don’t like shit like that. I don’t want to scroll around awkwardly when I’m out.", "I saw what you put. Idk how to approach it, but I’ll like it to show you I care/to look at later to process."

Tf does that mean and huh?? Why do you care what I put anyway?? I don’t care what you put so why should you care what I put?? Why make me feel like shit for putting this up or talking about something I have some balls too. I want people to know. I’m close to some of these people

I haven’t been posting much because of that. It’s very noticeable and my some of my friends can vouch for it from the viewing couch. renders I do of friends stuff, my original work, OC stuff, fan arts. A L L gets judged by the mighty grump. who it is, colors, the style, shading.. nothing was good enough I guess. even though you said it was and so did my brain at one point. It does, but she’s just not that confident much anymore

He’d get on fan art which was the most irritating thing. "Try and draw like that or do something like that for once.", "They didn’t get me right.. did you give them the references? Even though you still haven’t made a proper one?", "Why did they draw me like that?", "That’s cool. Why my character though?" PEOPLE DRAW IN THEIR OWN WAYS IN MANY STYLES AND CAN CREATIVELY DO WHATEVER THEYD LIKE YA FUCKIN DUMBASS. IN THE END, ITS MY CHARACTER ANYWAY. YOU DIDNT DRAW HIM. I DID N’ WHO CARES. MAYBE THEY LIKE YOUR CHARACTER OR IDK I REQUESTED IT TO MAKE YOUR SAD ASS HAPPY.

"Ohh yeah, I used to draw back in the day." The shit he sent me was traced, had his signature on it covering the original artists, no consistent style. Straight up thief and ugly liar. He can’t even draw a straight line, let alone paint a piece. Please, boy. I KNEW IT AND HED MANIPULATE ME INTO THINKING IT WAS AND I KNEW. AINT FOOLING ME THERE. I maybe or might’ve been extremely gullible as a teen, but ooohhh honeyyyy, I knew, I knew.

Artist my ass. Yeah con artist :))

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I hated the awkward silence moments between us when we spoke. I literally wanted to fucking scream at you like you did to me sometimes when you were having a "bad day".

I wanted to yell at you about everything you’ve ever done to me the last time we talked and I just broke down instead because I am an "emotional bitch" as you say. HOLY SHIT though, are you boring. I thought I was, but I just get dissociative and I space out because I didn’t know what to say and when I did,I got judged for it. for everything else as wel which made me feel worse. fuucking fantastic you are

You made me feel like I was was swirling in this dead and extremely lonely silence that was ever so slowly drowning me and dragging me down.. ((Like BMTH says, don’t let me drown and you did to an extent)) i couldn’t breathe right for the longest time with you there.. felt like an enormous weight on my chest

when I was in there, it was awful and made me feel worse. I didn’t want to leave and when I did,you’d think I’d be having a fit or something.so, I would stay until you left and when you did it was absolute freedom.

I swear I hated being around you. I got judged for making any sort of weird noise, hiccup, burp, humming, my singing, jokes. such a fun person you are, hmph

#therapy journal #disabled post #disability #ableism #internalized ableism #anxiety #tw