Hard Days Equal Harder Nights
I can remember a time when I would lay in bed, and my mind would float. A new world would open before me, and I could traverse to worlds that were of my own creation. For a reality that was always in chaos, this I could control and bend to my will. I was a spry 16 year old with everything to play for, and my health was better than I would ever know it. I loved to play soccer, though I never had a proper yard, video games were something I did every once in a while, but were always a source of entertainment, and I loved to stay up late and devour novels. Now, however, life is a struggle, and I often find myself daydreaming just to work through or find some comfort where I have had none.
My mother, though the one who ultimately raised me, is a narcissist. I was once in the hospital needing to have my gallbladder out, and all she could do was tell me to stop crying because everyone goes through it. “It’s a part of life, so you need to stop and act your age”. Every time I was hurting, depressed, sick, sad, or so run down that all I could do was lay in bed and sleep, she had a reason as to why I had to get up and deal with life:
*No one gets to lay in bed unless they’re in the hospital or dying
*I once had four kids to raise and I never got a day off
*Ya know what? There are times I don’t want to do anything, but you just have to
*I worked all day, so you need to get up and pull your weight
*I’ve worked longer and harder than you ever will
*No one is going to care. They just want you to work, so get used to it
*Everyone hurts, but they get up anyway
*I’m not as old as she is, which means I don’t need to lay down
My boyfriend often asks me why I say and do things a certain way, and all I can do is say that I was conditioned to do so. An ex friend would tell me that I’m always on alert, and I’ve come to see the truth in it. When I wake up, I’m awake. I don’t try to go back to sleep because, for one thing, no one here is nice enough to keep their voices down and let me sleep, and for a second, I know that someone will come in eventually, so I may as well get up and around. I’ve been made to know that when work needs done, it gets done, and it doesn’t matter if you’re tired, hungry, in a bad mood, or had a long day, you get up off your ass, and do it. More than once I’ve been told that I need to rest, but it simply isn’t possible. If someone here isn’t going to pull their weight, than someone has to step in, and more often than not, it’s me. If I don’t, I’m told a variety of insults:
*I will never work as long or as hard as they have
*Never to have kids because I’d be just another drain on the government system
Tonight, I have a cyst rupturing on my ovary, and it’s in the same place as two weeks ago when it happened, and before then, it was a week. I have been tested for PCOS, but come up negative. My family thinks I’m a hypochondriac, due to the fact that I have several issues that occur at one time; dumping syndrome, weird blood pressure spikes (I’m on medication for blood pressure), panic and anxiety attacks, PMDD, IBS, stomach acid condition, and they can either all hit at once, or spread out over time. I’ve been to the hospital on more than occasion, been hospitalized, had IV’s, been giving medication to stop them, and even though I’ve had doctor’s tell me that it isn’t in my head, and my parents are lying, it continues.
Also this night, my father gave me half a Percocet to help combat the pain, but I am drowsy beyond anything. We live in a home that has a swiss cheese roof, no ceiling (just plastic sheeting), and we have to empty rain buckets when it pours down. I, however, can’t sleep because it has to get done. Rather than help us, my mother has chosen to bury her head in the sand, and sleep (or pretend to), which leaves us to deal with all of it. I can still feel the cyst rupturing, but there is nothing I can do. All I want is to curl up and sleep, and my boyfriend says that I need to lay down and not do so much, but that is like telling him not to go help his ex with the kids (she continually says how she is a single parent, when he does more to help them than anyone. She also tells them they don’t have to listen to him because he isn’t living there, and wants money from him for the kids, when she gets a massive amount each month for the kids, food, rent, bills, etc). I find solace in the times I get to spend with him, and the happiness and safety I feel when he’s there. I have a guardian and witness to the daily bullshit they try to pull, and know that soon, I’ll be away from here.
The rains have slowed, and I hope that soon I can drop off. I feel it coming. My eyes are heavy and I’m swaying to the point I’m nearly falling over. Please keep me in your thoughts tonight, and know that it can always get worse. I’m thankful that it hasn’t yet, and that I have a bright and beautiful future coming.
First off, allow me to apologize for my chaotic update schedule regarding my two current WIPs. If it isn’t life that’s getting in the way, it’s my own headspace. The ~emo days~ have been visiting me too frequently for my liking, and I simply struggle to be creative/productive during that time. That being said, new Unravelling this week and new Only Things of Beauty Burn next week. Promise promise promise.
Now, onto the purpose of this post.
Like most of my blogs, there is a rooted passion, or, for lack of a better word, frustration in this post. The subject of this one is something I’ve talked about before, but I can’t help but share my thoughts about it again because 1) this is my blog, whaddup? and 2) I think others might gain something from it.
(Or maybe you just wanna sip some tea. If so, come join.)
In the past five weeks, I’ve received 4 comments that were utter nonsense.
“Thanks for writing!” is not nonsense.
“I don’t understand xyz, can you explain it to me?” is not nonsense.
“I don’t like where the plot is going” (k, did I ask for an exit survey?)
“that was weird” (it’s me, what did you expect?)
“um do you know that's not canon” (yes, which is why I have AU - Canon Divergence tagged and in fucking bold in the summary)
I could give more examples, but let me not. You get the idea.
Listen, I’m all for freedom of speech (have you read my fics? lolol), but like most things, moderation (along with maturity) is key. And when it comes to commenting on fic, moderation is crucial.
Feel free to disagree with me, but I simply won’t bend: if your comment isn’t kind, it’s not worth posting.
Does that mean you can’t be constructive? Absolutely not! I’ve been corrected on formatting, spelling, and grammar issues and those were arguably the nicest comments I’ve ever gotten lol. There are people who want you to grow and understand that can be done nicely. That doesn’t mean you need to kiss someone’s ass and be fake, it just means you should put a little thought into what you’re commenting.
(But also, if an author doesn’t explicitly ask for constructive feedback in their bio or in their notes, it’s best to refrain.)
Now, before posting a comment, take a second and ask yourself if it’s going to hurt the author’s feelings. If the answer is yes or most likely, for the love of god, stop.
Call me sensitive, call me weak, call me whatever, but I’m fed up. Straight the f up.
I kid you not, the stress I feel before posting has increased drastically since I started receiving comments that were completely unhelpful and catty. I’ve gone so far as moderating my comments (which I’m not a fan of for personal reasons) and I’ve even considered disabling my comments altogether. How actually sad is that? That I have to limit the communication I have with my readers because of rude or careless people?
So, now that my initial rant is over, I’m going to provide you all with an excellent post that offers advice on how to leave a “good” comment (like I said, “Thanks for writing!” is as sweet to me as twenty paragraphs, so don’t feel bad if that’s what you comment).
If you want to be more constructive/thoughtful/engaged in a positive manner, follow this advice.
Last but certainly not least, if you’re a writer and you leave rude comments (or bookmark fics with terrible notes) on other people’s fics, just know you’re asking for it. And by it, I mean 1) scrutiny on your own fics and 2) some ppl (like me) will not want to read your fics.
I sincerely mean this from the bottom of my heart: if you’re not nice in my fandom, I will not read your fics.
Again, I’m not sorry.
If I catch you bullying someone else in the comments, I won’t read your work. Idc if you have the top fic in the fandom, I will not support you. The only way you weed out negative people is by doing just that: stop supporting them. I’ve seen it before and yes, I do avoid a particular author in my fandom. I am hardcore when it comes to anti-bullying, so you will never be able to persuade me to read a fic by someone who has bullied someone else.
I’ll just end with this: I have way more supporters than I do haters or...not-likers (idk what to call them lol) and I truly appreciate every single person I’ve ever engaged with in this fandom who has been kind to me. To beat a dead horse, I started writing, literally, less than a year ago. Before that, it was all numbers for yours truly. I am a baby, a novice, a complete beginner, but I am learning. If you want to offer me writing advice, I’ll gladly take it. But you can do it in a kind way. Talented authors have quit fandom because of rude or insensitive comments. I’ve even considered taking a hiatus after the last really bad comment I received and honestly...wtf. I do this for fun and I will continue to do it for fun when it suits me. If you can’t have fun with me, move along and talk shit about me in your group chat or whatever. I do not have time for you (except, apparently, on this post).
Wow. Talk about sass. Sorry about that (again – not really). This is just some unfiltered QITN for you all. I’ll regret posting this in the morning because that’s just the nature of the beast, but it was very cathartic for me to write and share this with you all. I’m not normally so aggressive hehe.
If you read my works, thank you – truly. And even if you don’t, thanks for not posting rude comments when you saw a certain tag or summary you didn’t like. We can support one another in ways that don’t involve reading the words we type and share to AO3. Destructive comments are not what’s up. And in fic, where we are all just trying to have a good time, it’s repugnant to share negativity. It just is.
tl;dr: be kind, y’all.