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aropride · 2 months

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hello internet strangers want to hear about my personal life as per usual

well as those familiar w my lore know my title ix case (us-specific college thing where, tldr, if u get sexually assaulted u can do a little mini court case thru ur school) is finally fucking over + i won . which is awesome. unfortunately the respondent (title ix word for "person who did the assaulting") got preeeetty much no sanctions at all . like literally nothing changed . the lawyer recommended they be moved to the other dorm hall but they couldnt, so basically they got put on probation and that's it. Lmao. which means my situation is WORSE than before i filed the complaint, bc b4 i filed the complaint they were in the other dorm hall, and then they moved to mine. but i can't do shit about it unless i want to take my school to, like, court.

well anyway the respondent's life changed in no meaningful way Except they moved out of the dorms last month by their own choice. i assumed that meant they were embarassed abt what they did But i guess not. Bc they've been getting really into on campus events and hanging out in the central building that i like to hang out at. and its like. okay. whatever.

but the thing is . theyve been going to a lot of queer-centric events recently . and while im the only person whos filed a complaint or won a case against them. i am not the only victim i know that for a fact and the other victim is also a queer person. So can you see why im worried about someone who managed to sexually assault two queer people within the first week of living on campus like, integrating themself into the community like nothing fucking happened

and theres this school dance coming up in a couple weeks and im worried that will give them an opportunity to like. hurt someone else.

and i want people to KNow what they did because i dont feel safe with them on campus anyway but i especially dont feel safe now theyre talking to people and making friends (especially bc most of their friends r like. friends of friends. like i dont know them but i know of them yk) . i dont know what theyre saying about me (if anything) and i especially dont know if theyve hurt anyone else. and they might have! because they demonstrated a frankly dangerous lack of regard for consent repeatedly Like i think this is a genuinely dangerous person, whether by malice or stupidity or both, and i dont want anyone else to get hurt

BUT THE KICKER IS...! well first of all we're bound by a no-contact order (baby version of a restraining order). you cant be in the same classes and you cant talk to each other (irl, online, or thru a 3rd person) the title ix coordinator has provided jack shit about what a no contact order actually entails btw lol 😒. But if i were to tell someone and they went and told that person, idk if that would be considered 3rd party contact, which would get Me in trouble

i also dont know if it would be considered "breaking confidentiality" if i said their name- again, don't know jack shit, don't have documentation of the actual rules i'm supposed to be following. but i really dont feel like this is a safe situation for this person to be on campus with no one knowing what they did

im also just generally worried about them finding out ive told people and getting mad and going to the coordinator and me getting in trouble when the only reason im even considering this is bc, again, the school didnt do jack shit

and i dont even know How i would tell aynone . like im not rly friends with most of these people . i see them around and some of them i think are cool but theyre not friends or really even aquaintences . so it would be fucking weird .

but i dont know what to do and i dont want anyone else to get hurt . and i know thats not on Me, but. i also dont want to sit back and Know. and not say anytthing

#text #sa tw #neg #i really dont know what to do here #and it's so frustrating bc imo i shouldnt have to do anything bc they shouldnt be on campus at all but WHAT EVERRR #🗒️#personal

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gogolstoelicker · 2 years

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Dorm leaders with yuu who is like Vanitas form vanitas no carte?

If it's not too much don't have to do this

Dorm leaders with a Vanitas!MC

You seem to take nothing seriously, carrying a mischievous aura around you. You also act impulsively most of the time but is capable of showing seriousness when the situation calls for it.

However, you also hate being vulnerable around people, especially to those you don't trust.

he can't take it at all

Riddle:

ur flirtings he meant

he sat down next u for 1 sec and so suddenly the lights focused on u two, there's a romantic music playing, rose petals are falling down around u two and there's a glass (of apple juice) in ur hand as u wink at him

he does not know how u did it and he is very much not interested in how that happened

would collar u

literally u can breathe and he'll collar u for it

ace 2.0 ig💀💀💀

well at least ace got a buddy now to share the pain of being collared🤗🤗‼️‼️

is very sick and tired of your presence but somehow he just can't completely block u off his life

its like having another chenya in his life but more annoying and is completed with the package of being flirty

or its like that one friend that's so annoying but then they dont come to school for one day and so suddenly you miss them

yelled at u once bc he caught u on top of heartslabyul's rooftop💀

scolded u even more once trey and cater got u down

likes that you're a neat person (even tho he thinks it's shocking for someone like u to have such a trait💀)

and is absolutely flabbergasted when he learned you're a doctor back in ur world

Leona:

"I'm just a doctor who cures vampires tho🤗😘" "BUT YOU'RE STILL A DOCTOR😱⁉️‼️"

on his way to fistfight u

almost lose tho💀embarrassing

he won't admit it but it lowkey hurt his pride when u almost win against him

what are u doing carrying around a blade in school anyway🤨⁉️

ya wanna get into detention or smth⁉️(if it exists in nrc idk)

^he's very much still not satisfied that u almost win thats why he evn brings it up

actually got a scrath on u during ur fight

which you're not really worried abt since you heal faster than a normal human anyway🤷‍♀

leona when he learns of it🤨🤬⁉️

if u can heal then you should heal him too

he got another scar on his cheek bc of ur dumbass blade🤬

Azul:

you're a doctor. u can do it.

if u say u only cure vampires, leona will show u his fangs (sneakily ofc, he dont wanna hurt his pride more)

just put a bandage on it its ok💀

one time he was trying to take a nap

and while laying down, he saw ur ass

i meant that literally💀

bc you're right on top of the building

its ok u didnt flash him or anything, u wearing those nrc pants anyway

leona is confused btw😭

bcs like why the hell are u up there in the first place and why he gotta catch u⁉️⁉️

shaking, sobbing, crying, clenching his jaw, clutching his contract

he's sick and tired of ur flirtings too💔

Kalim:

pls stop for the love of the great seven he just wants some peace💔

he can tolerate u tho ayeee‼️🙏

all that complaining for nothing💀

he likes playing board games with u

but he absolutely hates losing💀

and u being u, u just create some plans in the middle of playing

basically by impulse

so u won like 90 of the times based on that😭😭😭

azul have his head in his hands

he disappeared from ur sight for a week

only to come and challenge u again

he have studied the way u think, he WILL win this time

so u might wanna lose purposely if u dont want azul on ur tail😅😰

ok but one time u skipped class

and azul is having flight class

and he finally flew up until the rooftop‼️‼️omg⁉️⁉️

and you're right there💀

"hey azul^^!!"

azul shrieking and immediately falling down:

good thing u caught him in time

def lose his cool and started scolding u abt being on top of a ROOFTOP😰😰

which made u got caught by the teacher💀woops ig

u are VERY much intrigued and entertained being with kalim

like his curiosity + liveliness just makes u go🤩‼️‼️too

2nd jamil but less stressed (this u btw)

^only bc u genuinely had fun being with kalim

except for when he randomly disappeared bc of a random whim💀u def did not have fun searching for him around school

with the threat of the actual jamil behinf u with his cooking pan

one time u were hanging out with kalim and u were just so tired of trying to chase after him that u brought those leash for kids and used it on him

how'd u get the leash u may ask? ask sam. he said he have everything in his store🤷‍♀

while the leash does help, it lowkey makes ur arm hurt from having to tug kalim back near u before he got lost/ u lost him💀

the other students were just standing behind yall like😁😟

u go back and forth from trusting and trusting kalim if it makes sense🤔

like you know his intention is 100% pure but there's still that small doubt in u

Vil:

he is absolutely curious about ur job

like u heal vampires⁉️he gotta know about this

tried to climb rooftops/trees with u

jamil pulled him AND you off

just so kalim won't copy u💀

"im a doctor^^!" "you?🤨"

Idia:

^basically both ur first meeting with each other

u do not look like a doctor at all, half offense

and a doctor who specializes in healing vampires too🤔⁉️

and then it turns into u flirting with him

im sure vil is immune to flirtings now bc like🤔mans is famous and looks like a full course meal so like who don't wanna flirt with that man😍

that and bc rook always compliments him a minimum 5 times a day💀

so he just brush u off honestly

but would keep u around if you're going to compliment him too🤔since its lowkey a confident boost

absolutely scolds u for being on top of high places

esp if you're on top of a roof like GET DOWN🤬🤬U AINT A BIRD

he likes that you're a neat person too‼️

like damn thats surprising from u but he absolutely encourages it

he doesn't even need to clean ur appearance up since u usually take care of it urself

absolutely became those type of moms to epel💀

"why don't u be more like them epel?" he said as he point at u

"appearance wise ofc, don't copy their personality"

💀its ok bro💀at least u got one compliment

Malleus:

oh god its an extrovert -idia

feels like crying whenever u approach him

its like when you're trying to finish ur homework in class bc u forgot to do it yesterday and the tc is collecting it

thats how he felt when u approach him

i mean u leave him alone sometimes🤔sometimes💀

became great gaming buddies after

almost blast ur ass whenever u win against him

but then again its fun having someone ALMOST as good as u🤗🤗

until they win instead of u that is💀

^basically his thoughts whenever u win

he doesn't really care that you're a doctor

anything is possible in this world‼️esp in this weird ass world he lives in‼️

how he found out tho? he saw the book u always carry around

at first he does care much until he saw how pretty the cover looks

hesitated a bit but he opened the book

when he opened it, it was empty so he was like🤔❔

so he FINALLY asked u about it

when u tell him he was like :0

"this book is what u use to cure vampires🤔❔damn did u whack them with knowledge or smth❔❔"

and he only ask thag bc u purposely leave some parts out to be mysterious💀dawg istg💀

saw u on top of the roof during one of his walks near ur dorm and thought u got stuck there or smth

u saw his horns and went "damn weird shit again😂🤣"

im sorry idk why i used that emoji

anyways he asked if u need help getting down from there

and u just go ❌❌ and that u just like high places

from then on, u guys usually hang around roof

he's intrigued about u

a weird human who heals faster than normal humans🤔and is apparently a doctor who specializes in healing vampires

i think there are vampires and doctors like u in twisted wonderland🤔i mean what is not impossible there

so while malleus have absolutely heard about it, he does not know much abt thay field

so do expect some questions here and there

sometimes hes worried abt u🤔

bc like aren't humans supposed to have their daily sleep everyday to survive or smth?? why aren't u sleeping???

and then he learns that u can't really sleep around the people u don't really trust (the ghosts💀)(maybe grim maybe not grim)(mickey mouse in ur mirror HELP)

tried to get u to sleep in his dorm instead

like would legit let u sleep in some spare bedroom just for ur health

can't have his first friend outside of his three retainers fall sick amirite😈💪

#twst #twst wonderland #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #riddle rosehearts #leona kingscholar #azul ashengrotto #kalim al asim #vil schoenheit #idia shroud #malleus draconia

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conanssummerchild · 2 months

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okay so id initially put this in the tags of your ask but i thought id put it in your askbox so you don't feel obligated to answer it or you wanna answer privately instead cause it's very rambly and kinda personal

#also im curious. what do you do after you get an autism dx?#because like back when my psychiatrist evaluated me for a bunch of things. i was curious if i was somewhere on the autism spectrum too#cause i did check a lot of boxes#and she essentially told me i have a lot of the overlapping stuff because of other conditions and i could do the autism evaluation#but it would be a waste of time for me because it wasnt my main dx and doesn't make my life unbearable#because im already taking meds and shit for other stuff but you dont take meds or really do anything about having autism#so she basically told me you might be on the spectrum but there's no point in getting a dx cause it doesnt change anything#but also cuz for me it's probably mild and doesnt affect my every day life that much#so yeah i guess i was curious. im so sorry if this comes off as rude btw#because i know getting dxed changed my life and its so much better now. and im so proud of you for that finally happening#and my situation is very different from yours like even if i am on the spectrum it probably doesn't affect me to an extent where it fucks#with my every day life to an unbearable degree yk#but im definitely curious about how you go forward once you get an autism diagnosis when it does significantly affect your life. like do you do anything about it?#i do know it's validating as hell and your parents will finally take you seriously. cause you've obviously known for a while#and again i know its gonna get so much better hereon. getting dxed literally changes your life and im so so happy for you#how did your family and everyone take it?#like i had the worst relationship with my parents i was gonna cut them off after school but it got so much better after my dx#like they became so much more understanding and like put in the effort to change and be better and its still a long road but yeah#it's kind of fucking awesome and life changing and i really hope it is for you too#im so so so happy for you

well i guess i dont really know yet, i had an appointment yesterday at school hours and i went alone and then i went straight back to school and now im at my friends house so i havent seen my parents yet. i have my last appointment with my psycologist in 2 weeks and that one is with my parents so its basically when shes going to tell them, i dont plan on telling my dad about it before then bcs he can go fuck himself but i am going to tell my mum as soon as she gets home from barcelona. so i cant really say anything parents-wise yet. as for like outside that at the moment theres really nothing at all i can do until my parents are in on it, since im a minor my parents are the ones who choose if the school knows and i can get accomodations but if they choose not to tell them theres really not much i can do, so for me a diagnosis doesnt change much (apart from FINALLY after more than EIGHT years knowing whats different abt me) unless my parents let it change stuff, and at the moment i font know if they will :/, so to answer "what do you do after a diagnosis?" i really dont know. if u want to get diagnosed though and u think you could i would probably go for it, you can keep it to urself since ur over 18 so u dont have to tell anyone else if u dont want to and idk it might come in handy even if it doesnt it is nice to feel validated but anyway its up to you <3

ps: you can literally ask me anything u want to know i dont mind and dont worry abt coming off as rude i dont think u r <33 love u

#idk if i really answered ur question sorry 😭#u can follow up if i didnt #sorryyyy #moots <33 #kavya <3

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emailsquid · 11 months

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ok spiderman p5 au thing that infests my brain is coming out

mostly based on ultimate spiderman and spiderverse since those are the 2 im super familiar with.

akira is spider-man obviously. after getting sent to tokyo because of the normal p5 reasons he gets bitten by a radioactive spider and gets the normal spider powers (proportional strength, spider sense, heightened agility), with the addition of being able to get a better read on people's thought process (i dont think spiders can actually do this but i wanted to reference the personas in some way) and induce a low level of delusion in other people, making them more likely to tell the truth with a spider toxin thing. you know the deal i can make shit up. hes initially unwilling to be spider-man until stuff really gets bad with kamoshida, and then is only willing to do it whilst disguised to avoid fucking up his criminal record even more. loves actually being spiderman tho.

sojiro is almost unchanged except stuff with wakaba is different but hes still gruff but comes to love akira in more or less the same way as in p5. hates when theres supervillain fights outside his cafe (oops)

ryuji learn's akira's secret immediately and encourages him to be a hero, partly bc he thinks its cool, partly because he thinks he has a responsibility to use his powers for justice of some kind, partly to get back at kamoshida for being a massive piece of shit. he stays akira's best friend throughout his time in tokyo and almost has his side.

ann is 2nd to learn akira's secret and also encourages him to fight kamoshida (im getting to him btw). She designs the suit as well and makes it with akira. she also wants akira to be a hero but is much more cautious and worried about things than ryuji

i have no idea what to do with morgana but im thinking hes gonna be another superhero, idk what tho. probably like a shapeshifter or something? more thought is required.

Kamoshidas like. a superhero who double times as a teacher, still an abusive shitbag but now hes like publically worshipped. hes akiras first big fight after akira spreads the truth about him with calling cards and gets him to admit to his crimes publically, at which point he has to run away in shame. partly i based him on kamoshidaman (although i dont actually know anything abt pq2 im just assuming) and also mysterio in far from home.

shiho is basically the same except ill bring her back into the story later for something. havent planned that far ahead. she will date ann tho.

most other characters i only have vague ideas for, such as makoto having an alive father (nothing bad could happen to a police captain father in a spider man story surely) and futaba developing tech for akira. its the only way i can think to get him webslingers tbh. for akechi i have something cooking as well but im writing a fic for this so i kinda dont wanna spoil that bc i think its cool. im trying my best to be accurate to the characters personalities ut akira will probably be more quippy than usual bc it just feels wrong for any spider man not to quip. so yeah. other than that i think he maps onto spider man pretty well tbh, hes got the public hate campaign, the saviour complex, the sense of justice, hes stylish and hes got a social life going on to manage at the same time. haru also has some specific stuff i wanna do with her.

also this is a marvel like au so other superheros exist but its an americacentric phenomenon however the phoenix ranger feathermen are real. idk what ill do with them but they are bc it felt wrong to only have like 2 superheros. there might be others too. idk. maybe its more of ust a superhero au with specific marvel ideas. wahtever.

if i had the time and skill to do art for this id love to do it in the style of the original p5 intro with limited colours other than red and black to white spectrum. it would look cool and set it apart visually. also it would look a bit like the guy she was intereted in which i love visually so yeah.

anyway yea this is a pretty specific crossover so cant wait for no-one to care but yea ill update this with more later

#persona 5 #persona 5 au #akira kurusu #joker persona 5 #spider man #squid emails #anything else #uhhhhh #nah

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masonsystem · 1 year

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super long post of me complaining abt totk irt to my totk playthru bc I <3 Complaining ❤️❤️

maybe its cuz i played like a fuckton during the first week (tho i only have 65 hours total so idk how that compares to the average playerbase) or maybe its cuz ive been playing in an unconventional way, but totk is starting to feel boring to me... (or maybe the game design just sucks..?)

i play unconventionally in that i have disregarded the plot.. bc in botw it was so boring to me. and i watched all the totk cutscenes online anyways and it was as i suspected, i wouldve been disappointed and annoyed if i wasted time collecting all those memories just to get some half-baked story.

im on the fence for doing dungeons tho.. i see my sister doing one, and it does actually look kinda fun, but i worry how satisfying it will actually be, and if i finish the dungeon's boss, will this game's final boss(es) be too easy? (thats what happened in botw.. but maybe ill just do the dungeon and skip the boss? if i can do that?)

i did do the beginning of the gerudo main questline, and it was rly.. boring.... fighting the gibdos was rly boring.. i guess figuring out that mirror puzzle with little help was fun. but it was overall pretty (._.) have yet to enter the dungeon. again idk if i want to

but also another thing is that like its rly rly Really hard for me to gaf abt any npcs in this game LOL.. they just like. say a whole bunch of nothings..... bc like in older games, dialogue helps w worldbuilding since theyre so technologically limited. but in a game like this, you see the world that you get. theres not much that their dialogue adds on, and its only sometimes funny anyways. and i always find myself mashing thru it anyways, bc i just.. dont care.. and also, even if they are saying something supplemental to the world, a useful tip or whatever, its 1.) a teeny tiny tip that i probably could or wouldve learned online or 2.) a mini questline with the most eh reward ever.

i guess cuz in older games you Had to talk to people to figure out what to do next. theres no 'what to do next' in this game so i just.. yeah. im just often unmotivated to know what theyve got to say. of course theyve helped me here and there but its like.. in most games i play, i try to talk to as many npcs i can. but i never feel the need to do this in totk, from either how uninteresting they are, or bc the info they tell me tends to be something i already know.

and my apathy of npcs unfortunately extend to the main quest as well (gorons rito etc), and although i say i wish this game gave me more reasons to talk to npcs, i still end up disliking how totk/botw goes around w it in their main quests; cuz now theres like, a break in the gameplay, where i Must speak to NPCs to advance the 'plot'. my gameplay of exploration, engaging in combat whenever i please, and so on, has to be paused to do this quest. and arguably these quests do provide me the opportunity to explore and whatnot, but its no longer done by Myyyy pace. i have to follow whatever pace and order the game has set for me to do. which Sucks. it really sucks to have a game which im enjoying bc of the freedom, to restrict my freedom like that.

(and this is also why i disliked shrines in the first game.... my regular gameplay gets broken up in order for me to enter shrines (which all look the absolute same as every other one btw, so theres no motivator of 'ohhh i wonder what this shrine looks like?'). and i have to solve the shrine in whatever way its making me to. and obvs some shrines have multiple solutions but more often than not it tends to be limiting.... anyways this is why i deeply prefer shrine quests in the overworld over basic shrines. i much prefer solving puzzles as im exploring as opposed to having to essentially pause my gameplay just to earn hearts and stamina.

in terms of exploration + combat (bc the two go hand in hand).. after getting all the towers, i feel that theres little left for me to do. now that i have a decent amount of hearts and stamina (8 hearts + 1.75 stamina wheels), theres nothing tht really motivates me to do more shrines. the shrines in this game are a lot better than botw's (most of the time), but once ive lost the desire to do shrines as well its a bit.. (._.)

and ive explored most of the west side of the depths, i think roughly 30% overall, but that has gotten a bit boring as well. which is a shame, bc i think its a lot of fun to explore in pitch-black terrain. but as ive said before, it visually stays the same throughout the entire terrain which ends up making it feel very monotonous. same ol grey and purples forever and ever... i wish there was a variety of biomes and landscapes or something (itd be nice if the east looks drastically different but i sincerely doubt it). so far its just grey stretches of land and monster mine camps and maybe the occasional flux construct boss like :/

and combat... ergh... EH.... well just like botw its a blast in the beginning when everything is still hard. but like... all my weapons are pushing 40 atk power now. im like. Ripped. the monsters.. do not reflect this. like firstly u still get those annoying one hit monsters like chuchus, keese, and bokoblins. which is whatever i guess.. annoying but theyre there to spice it up. so whateves. but its when the monster camps still have red monsters like.. what?! even having blue monsters is pushing it honestly. the red ones dies in one hit, and the blues dies in 2-3 hits. black ones are starting to catch up in this regard, but are still a challenge. but there just isnt enough silver ones which ideally should be spawning at this point...

its come to a point where i just end up ignoring most monster camps, bc the reward drops just aren't very good either. like i do not explore in a conventional order, so im already stacked with royal gear. i do not need traveller sword #5. and the game has not adapted with that. i wish it did, bc man the game is getting boring 😮‍💨

there is more to say. maybe ill be more coherent after i get off my bed LOL. but yeah totk still has the same issues as totk which is... erm. not great

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chevys-bitch-fest · 1 year

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TW: i need to vent abt my parents but they are ✨ 4bu$ivê ✨

So here's the short story. Im a trans guy, I was bi before I started transitioning, and my mom went through my phone to find that I was sexting girls. After that, she and my dad became physically 4busiv3, and sent me to c0nv3r$i0n therapy. They also took away my college funds, and my health insurance. About 6moths after, I was out to my partner and their family as trans, and I made the dumb decision to tell my parents, because I figured they would find out from someone else. At this point, they were furious. They became more physical, and sent me to c0n3rsi0n therapy again. Where basically my mom and a preist sat in a room and yelled at me about how I would become a s3x off3nd3r if I didn't stop. She also attempted to steal my social security card and my birth certificate because they "bEloNG to hER". This all happened when I was 17, so of course I did everything I could to move out at 18, and I did. Last summer I started hrt and I've never been happier.

I still talk to my parents but only because my brother (who turned out to be a huge ally btw) is 15 and he lives with them, and I need to talk to them in order to see him. Every time I visit they act like nothing fucking happened. Its ridiculous, ive been on T for almost 9 months, so I'm passing pretty well at this point, but my parents have totally regressed back to before I even came out. They're no longer violent, and they use my deadname/ refer to me as a girl ect. Which I knew they would, but they're acting like I never even transitioned or did anything?? It gives me the creeps. I have tried to cut them off before, but I can't. My mom calls me and cries and says "I dont knOw wHY yOuRE dOiNG thIS tO mEe" and then she agrees to use my name, uses it twice, and then goes back to deadname. The usual manipulation bullshit. I just wonder if im overreacting by wanting to cut them off. Cognitively I know I have a right to do that, but emotionally I just feel uncomfortable. Especially since I'm worried about my brother.

All the time when I was a kid my family would talk about how the LGBT+ community is destroying families, I just dont want to reinforce that idea. Its embarrassing and I dont know what to do. I feel obligated, but I know I'm not.

#personal vent #trauma survivor #abuse survivor #mental health #complex ptsd #childhood trauma #mental abuse #mental heath support #vent blog #cw vent #vent #rant post #personal rant #self healing #positive mental attitude #ftm trans #transgender #trans #trans experience

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gatual · 3 years

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#smol rant post abt genshin cause i have so many thoughts 😃#INAZUMA THERE ARE SO MANY NEW THINGS IM OVERWHELMED JJNDJFID but i love it #i missed seeing so many thingies in the map #and activating the teleport thing #i havent even finished the main quest cause 1. i got distracted like 8483 times jdndj and 2. its long and i started late so 💔 ill keep #doing it tomorrow morning #i recorded some parts im excited to gif one thingy;; only thing im worried is that the recording will look like shit and the frames will be #super..short and it will look bad idk #also man wHERES KAZUHA he only got like 2 sec screen time :'(#but hhhh tomah is meh lowkey reminds me of childe lmao for a second i thought he was actually the dog im fool #also i hope ayaka and bom traveler whoever become besties and destroy baal<3 jdnsjd or maybe that wont happen but oh i love ayaka #anyway im so excited and so sad that these are the last days of winter break im cry ive been having dreams of failing tests jdnsid wHY im n #but next week I'll have to work a lot w all the hw i havent done.. so i can begin up to date w everything sighhhhhhh :((#nd there are sm things i still want to do why am i so disorganized also vrvr and wkly cbs are soon im lit gonna die #time is not enoughhhhhh i need more and also more attention span to focus on things :l #sidenote why does mother treats my bros gf so good and sweet and caring and me like meh :/ am i that shitty huh #is it because shes a sociable conservative who hasnt dropped archi person and im the weirdo #nothing against her btw she's the loveliest human the problem is mother why would u make comparisons so i feel like sht #like why would u treat us different ? its like theyre mother and daughter and im the insect walking around jdndjfnd #ik u dont like me just dont be so hurtful pls #anyway THIS WAS AN EXCITING RANT CAUSE IM EXCITED ABT GENSHIN NO SAD RANT ALLOWED IN HRE🙅🏻‍♀️🙅🏻‍♀️🙅🏻‍♀️🙅🏻‍♀️#ok goodnight 🥰#bomtalk #oH WAIT I FORGOT TO SAY i cant wait to find magu kenki i just want to keep fighting that dude where is he :l #but ive decided im gonna stop focusing on lvling up characters and im gonna start focusing on artifacts farming like a ff insane btch #whats frustrating abt this is that sometimes i can hardly get through lvl 90 jdnsj so hhhhh but i really want to improve that #also im so poor :/#and and #jdnsjd #okay now i leave babba😙😙

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leossmoonn · 3 years

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Play Ground Days

masterlist

pairing - carl gallagher x fem!reader

type - fluff

note / request - “ughh FINALLY someone that writes good imagines abt carl from shameless! could you write one where you two grew up together and you've always been close n stuff and then at some point he realizes he loves the reader and he talks to ian and lip (maybe mickey too bc i love him) about it? (fem!reader btw if that's cool) thanks babe xx” thanks for inspo on the beginning @poesflygirl <3 ,,, carl and you are 16 also pls dont come for me ive only played COD 2 times last year so lmao i dont remember a lot about it, enjoy!

summary - carl has liked you since you two were young, and seeks advice from his brothers and mickey

warnings - strong language, drugs and alcohol, little talk about bad body imagine

————

*gif isnt mine*

“I fucking knew it!” Lip exclaimed.

“Why are you telling us? We’ve known this.” Ian commented, smirking at his little brother.

“How the hell—” Carl started.

“You’re not exactly great at hiding your crush on her,” Mickey chuckled.

Carl’s eyes were the size of saucers. “You knew?”

“Of course I did. I’m not fucking Helen Keller,” Mickey rolled his eyes.

Carl groaned and ran his hands roughly through his hair. “I can’t believe this. Well, secret’s out, I guess. What do I do?”

“Just go tell her you like her. It’s not like she’s going to turn you down.” Lip shrugged, putting his cigarette to his lips.

“Lip!” Ian hit his brother’s shoulder.

“What?” Lip asked.

“You weren’t supposed to say that, dumbass,” Mickey said.

“What does that mean?” Carl asked, looking in-between his brother’s and Mickey.

Lip sighed. “Ah, shit, right. I’ve already said too much.”

————

4 hours earlier: 2:00 PM

“Hey, shit head!” She called out, throwing rocks against the window.

Carl got up from his bed, shocked but happy to see her. He opened his window, leaning against the frame.

“What’re you doing here?” He asked.

She threw the rocks to the ground. “Escaping from my druggie dad, duh. What’re you doing?”

“Nothing,” Carl shrugged.

She did her signature smirk that always made Carl’s heart flutter. “Wanna go and stuff our faces at Patsy’s Pies?”

Carl’s eyes lit up at the mention of fatty, greasy food. “Hell yeah. I’ll come down.”

She nodded, going to the front of their house. Carl ran down the stairs, putting on his shoes and opening the door to find her on the steps.

“Hey, why didn’t you just come into the house?” Carl asked, shutting the door behind him.

“Putting damage on your window seemed more fun. Oh, hey! Do you have an extra bed I can sleep in tonight?” She asked.

Carl nodded. “Yeah, of course. Your dad is that bad, huh?”

“Yep, he relapsed. Super fun,” she laughed sarcastically.

“I’m sorry. That shit sucks,” Carl said.

She shrugged. “Yeah, well, it’s life. Anyways, ready to go?”

Carl nodded. They got into her car, the girl starting it and driving fast to the dinner. As she was driving, humming to the songs on the radio, Carl stared at her. She was absolutely gorgeous.

Her name was Y/n L/n. Carl’s oldest and only real friend. They had grown up together, Y/n living only a few houses away from him. They had met in detention in 1st grade and had been close ever since.

“What’re you staring at?” Y/n asked, glancing over to him.

Carl blushed. “Nothing.”

“Alright,” Y/n sang.

Carl had often been caught staring at her. It was something he usually did from time to time, but now it was more often. He couldn’t help it. There was something about her. Maybe flawless her skin was, how pretty and bright her smile and eyes were, the way she would make him feel secure and loved, something he had never got from anyone consitently.

He never really knew why he thought those things about her. People had told him that he probably had a crush on her, but he knew that wasn’t right. He had crushes on girls before and the things he was feeling for Y/n were a lot different than what he had felt for his past girlfriends. He figured it was just that she was his closest friend and he happened to be a horny teenager, so naturally, he just thought those things about her. But oh, how wrong he actually was.

Y/n parked her car at Patsy’s Pies. They walked into the diner, seeing Fiona at the register.

“Hey, Fi,” Y/n smiled.

“Hey, Y/n, Carl! Long time, no see. How are ya?” Fiona asked.

“Good, good,” Y/n smiled.

“Good,” Carl said.

“Great! Well, get yourself seated and someone will be right with you,” she smiled.

Y/n and walked off to a small booth and sat down. They picked up the menus that were already on the table.

“You gonna get your usual?” Y/n asked.

Carl shrugged. “Maybe. Should I change it up?”

“Yes. The double bacon cheeseburger looks good,” Y/n said.

“Are you getting that?” Carl asked.

“Maybe. I’ll probably get a salad or something. Gotta watch those calories, you know?” She half-joked, putting a hand on her stomach.

“I think you look good. You don’t need to worry,” Carl smiled.

Y/n’s eyes widened. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Carl nodded.

Y/n looked back at the menu, hiding her embarrassment.

Carl complimenting her was something that was rare, but did happen. Y/n never remembered Carl as a romantic type of guy, but it seems that he had developed those traits from having a few girlfriends. She liked that, actually. She liked him complimenting her, staring at her for minutes at a time, the way his ears would turn red when she teased him. She liked all of that.

Y/n would never admit it to anyone, but she had a crush on Carl. She had a crush on him since their freshman year of high school. Well, in reality, she probably has always had one, but the first time she really realised she liked him was in biology when he got in trouble in one of the labs. She remembered when the teacher was yelling at him and he looked at her, smiling at her mischievously and winking at her. That wink had her heart racing and mind go foggy. From then on, she had liked him as more than a friend. Yet, she never said anything because well, as cliche as it was, she was afraid of ruining their friendship. He was really the only one who got her and who never abandoned her. She couldn’t lose him, so she just kept her feelings and gestures to him as friendly as she could.

“Hi, I’m Carly and I’ll be serving you today. What can I get you today?” The waitress asked.

“Hi, can I get the philly cheesesteak with a medium coke and fries,” Carl ordered.

Carly nodded and wrote his order down, turning to Y/n.

“Um, I’ll get the bacon cheeseburger with a small sprite and fries. Thanks,” Y/n ordered.

Carly took their menus. “Great. I’ll have your drinks out soon.”

Y/n and Carl smiled at the waitress as she walked away.

“Hey, so I thought your dad was in rehab,” Carl said.

Y/n sighed. “He was, but I guess his girlfriend got him drunk, then convinced him to do some lines. God, I can’t believe he's even with her still.”

Carl frowned. “What about your mom? Where’s she?”

“She’s going to nursing school right now. She’s the only one responsible in this family, yet she never calls or anything,” she scoffed.

“You’re really responsible,” Carl said.

Y/n smiled. “Thanks, C. You are, too.”

Carl laughed, “Me? I sold drugs on the streets once.”

She giggled. “True. But you’ve really shaped. I'm proud.”

Carl smiled sheepishly. “Thanks.”

Y/n hummed a ‘you’re welcome’. Carly came back with their food quickly and they dug in. Carl and Y/n spent their time talking and eating, spending about 2 hours there as they just kept talking.

“Are you two finished?” Carly asked, gesturing to their empty plates.

“Yeah,” Carl nodded.

“Great. Here’s your bill, pay whenever you’re ready,” Carly smiled and took their dirty dishes.

“Ready to go?” Y/n asked.

Carl nodded and got out his wallet that he had in his shorts. Meanwhile, Y/n also got out her wallet. They both looked up at each other, awkward expressions on their faces.

“Oh, I was gonna pay,” Carl said. “No, no, my treat. I invited you here,” Y/n said.

“You sure?” Carl asked.

She smiled and put a hand on his arm. “Yes, I am, Carl.”

Butterflies irrupted in Carl’s stomach as she touched him. He nodded slowly, putting his credit card away. Y/n and him walked up to the register and paid for their meal. They then went back to Y/n car.

“What do you wanna do now?” Y/n asked.

“Wanna play COD Black Ops 3?” Carl asked.

“Yes!” Y/n smiled. She drove them back to his house, parking haphazardly on the street.

The two hurried into the house, grabbing a seat on the couch. Carl got the controllers, turning onto the playstation. Y/n logged onto her account, selecting the gun she wanted to use. Carl then started the game.

“Where are you?” Y/n squinted her eyes at the screen.

“Right behind you,” Carl smirked.

Y/n turned around, gasping as Carl shot her.

“Fuck you!” Y/n exclaimed.

“Little rusty, huh?” Carl teased. She rolled her eyes. “I’m gonna kill you next round.”

“I’d like to see you try,” Carl said.

“Winner gets to pick what’s for dinner,” Y/n said.

“Deal,” Carl nodded.

The pair played for a couple hours, the game ending with Y/n getting the last kill.

“Good game,” she smirked, setting the controller down.

“I forgot how good you were at this,” Carl frowned. Y/n giggled, “I forgot how bad you were.”

Carl rolled his eyes with a smile. “Alright, where do you want to eat?”

“Hm… Noodles n Company?” She suggested.

“Sure,” Carl nodded.

“Alright, I’m gonna use the bathroom and then order. Text me what you want,” Y/n said, getting up from the couch.

Carl nodded and watched her go upstairs to use the bathroom. Then that’s when Lip, Ian, and Mickey all came into the house.

“Hey, guys,” Carl said.

“Hey,” Ian smiled.

“Is Y/n here? We saw her car out front,” Lip said. “Yeah, she is,” Carl nodded.

“Asked her out yet?” Lip smirked. Carl’s face turned red. “Wh-What?”

“Oh, you’re not in love with her then?” Ian furrowed his brows.

“I… am I?” Carl asked.

Ian chuckled. “Yeah. You always are always happy around her, blush whenever she teases you.”

“And you’re always staring at her,” Lip added.

“That doesn’t mean I like her,” Carl said.

“Do feel dizzy and nauseous when she touches you? Does your heart race when she gets close? Do you see yourself kissing her? Would you do anything for her?” Ian asked.

Carl furrowed his brows. They were right, all those things did happen when she was near. She was his best friend. He also sometimes think about kissing her and being with her in a romantic way. And yeah, of course he would do anything for her. Maybe… Maybe he did love her.

“Oh, shit,” he muttered. “I… I guess I am in love with her.”

And that, ladies and gents, is where we left off. Lip, Ian, and Mickey teased Carl until Carl begged them for real help.

“What do you mean?” Carl asked anxiously.

Lip looked to Ian and Mickey for help on what to say. Little did Carl know, Y/n actually did admit her crush to someone. And that someone, or someones, were Lip, Ian, and Mickey.

“Don’t worry about it, man,” Mickey said.

“Did she say something to you?” Carl asked. “No,” Ian shook his head. “Like Mick said, don’t worry.”

“I… fine. Well, what do I do then?” Carl asked in slight distress.

“Give her some flowers and chocolate. Girls love that shit,” Lip suggested.

“Alright,” Carl nodded. “I don’t know what her favourite flowers are, though.”

“Just get her roses. That’s really romantic,” Lip said.

Carl smiled, “Alright. Awesome. Thanks, guys.”

He decided to get the flowers early morning tomorrow before Y/n woke up.

————

Carl sneaked back into the house, hoping not to wake Y/n up. As he walked into the kitchen, he was shocked to see her at the table drinking coffee.

“Hey, Carl!” Y/n smiled.

Carl’s eyes were blown wide. “I.. uh…”

“Who are those for?” Y/n got up and pointed to the flowers and chocolate in his hand.

“Um… you?” Carl said. Y/n smiled. “Me? What did I do to deserve this?”

Carl knew that he couldn’t make up an excuse. He was horrible at lying to her. So, he decided to just have his confession here.

“I.. I’m in love with you,” Carl said. Y/n’s jaw dropped and she froze. “Wha-What?”

“My brothers and Mickey helped me realise I was yesterday when you were ordering dinner. They told me I should get you flowers and stuff so I did. I hope you like roses,” Carl explained and held up the gifts.

Y/n’s lips upturned in a wide smile. “How long have you liked me?”

“Honestly, probably since we were little,” Carl shrugged sheepishly.

Y/n giggled. “Me, too.”

“Really?” Carl smiled.

Y/n waked up to him and took the gifts, setting them on the kitchen counter. She went up to him and put her arms around his neck.

“Yep. I always have,” she grinned.

“Oh, sick!” Carl exclaimed. “Oh wait.”

“What?” Y/n asked in confusion.

“That’s what they meant!” Carl exclaimed in realisation.

“Who? What?” “Oh, Lip, Mickey, and Ian kind of told me yesterday when I asked for help,” Carl explained.

Y/n’s eyes widened and she turned to the stairs, glaring. “Mickey, Lip, Ian! You better fucking run!”

————

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taglist (crossed out means i couldnt tag)

@kaitieskidmore1 @the-anxious-youth @little-miss-naill @powerpuffluuvv

#carl gallagher x reader #carl gallagher #carl gallagher imagine #carl gallagher imagines #carl gallagher fluff #carl gallagher x reader fluff #shameless #shameless imagine #lip gallagher #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich

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taylorrsmind · 3 years

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what i thought about fear street 1666 (TW! Spoilers)

I loved the 1666, but the 1978 is still the best. Besides, a quick question, I don't know if I didn't get everything right because I only watched 1666 twice so far, but if Nick had already delivered the current generation's serial killer (Ryan Torres), why did he name Sam? because you see, Ziggy wasn't possessed, she of course lived scared to death, traumatized and all, but she didn't become a serial killer, her name didn't end in the cave rocks, after all, she was “free”. Why Nick would conjure Sam's name so early when no one would question after Kate and Simon died and took the blame from everything that happened? Why send a note saying "it's happening again" to Christine when he was the reason it was happening? Other than that, Nick didn't deliver much as a villain lol. I don't think it's the actor because he was well as a Soloman, I think it's because we don't see his villainization(is that a word?)? Like, I've been suspicious of him since 1994, but it doesn't show him being actively evil in any of the movies, just that scene of him conjuring the names and the ending a few minutes before his death with Deena, but I couldn't worry or be scared, you know? I expected him to try to justify himself or something until the cave scene, I didn't feel vilification(again, is that a word?) in the character and i think I should because he's literally responsible for everyone's deaths, he’s the big bad wolf, the true monster under the bed.From 1994 to 1666 I could guess he was shady af but it gave me more “anti hero thats gonna sacrifice himself in the end/// doesn’t want to be a part of this////is a puppet and has no idea what’s actually going on” and what I got was “Good is Evil or whatever” like even when he was talking abt his family, which wasn’t much he should have talked about that, his character should have appeared more, I think it would have been nice if maybe a moralization of the character in that scene where he's chasing Deena, like "Oh, my family has been doing this for years, my brother and mother are important to me, my blood is sealed to the devil since I was a baby Sunnyvale's safety is the most important thing, I do this for peace" very lunatic and a tyrannical even, wich does not in any way justify his actions, but who adds content to him as a villain, especially in a trilogy that had two great movies with horrifying killers and deaths. It just fell flat to me, for the big bad guy to barely even have good action, scarry scenes.

Even his relationship with Ziggy was a bit thrown, the importance he gave her was there for no particular reason, just to make the audience think he's nice and in love and surprise us in the end, which didn't work and it's a tactic I hate, the old trick of wanting to outsmart the audience, something Gossip Girl, Game of Thrones and Pretty Little Liars made me completely despise. I 1000000% prefer a structured and predictable outcome than something that will blow my mind for its lack of sense and meaning. ALSO I wouldnt be bothered if Nick was just evil to the core with no debpt whatsoever. Hell, most Sunnyvalers are! But the thing is that, by trying to outsmart the audience and try to lead us into believing Nick is a good guy, the writer (s) ruled that possibility out. You show him puking at seeing kids dying, him confessing how he didn’t want the “Goode” burden to fall of his back but he had no choice, putting Ziggy’s life over his well being, bringing Christine back to life, warning her about the monsters he’s sending to her town and even showing emotion when seeing her after a long time. NOTHING I said would make Nick any less of a monster who should rot in hell, but it clearly shows several colors and divergency on his way of thinking. And like I said, the writers could have given us evil Nick that played Ziggy’s heart and the entire Shadyside, but it doesn’t add up with all of that, at the same time all of that also don’t add up with the Nick we saw on 1666. If this movies were shot in different periods of time and not at once like it was I would say it was because the writers didn’t know who the bad guy truly was.

I won’t get into this, but someone important should’ve died. Like, bring the nurse back to avenge her daughter. Kill Ziggy (the idea of sacrificing Ziggy and Nick at the end ugh the waste). Kill somebody. This is a horror movie, nobody died. Yall could kill black and asian extras. Yall killed my sister Cindy, but couldn’t kill Ziggy? It made sense, she’d reunite with her sister!

Anyway, I know it sounded like I hated the movie but I REALLY LOVED IT. The actors were all great, the chemistry was there, and although I wish we’d seen more of Sam than just her “ghrghrghrhr” until the very end, I loved how both queer main characters were alive in the end, and how they paid respect for Kate and Simon and how Sara was considered the very first Shadysider (although it was pastor Miller sksks). I loved seeing Simon and Kate’s face there again although it wasn’t really them. I loved that Sarah wasn’t the big bad wolf although I saw it coming and would love to see female rage (like that scene where she was like “If they want a witch, they’ll get a witch gave me chills) but like I said, I prefer prediction than disappointment and I wasn’t (disappointed)with that.

THE END SCENE GOT ME EXCITED I HOPE THEY MAKE MORE OF THOSE BUT AT A DIFFERENT TIME SINCE LIKE THE BOOK WAS STOLEN. Also Cindy is my favorite character she legit showed up on flashbacks once and I cried.

My ranking, for now:

1. fear street 1978 (the best 2021 movie i fear i watched the entire week and made everyone i know watch it too)

2. fear street 1994

3. fear street 1666

i dont this there’s any bad movie on this trilogy btw. all great.

#sam #deena #fearstreet #fear #street #fearstreet1994 #fearstreet1978 #fearstreet1666 #feart street 1994 #fear street 1978 #fear street 1666

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tyunni · 2 years

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(imma try to make my asks shorter lol cuz i feel bad for taking up sm room on your blog dkdjdkjd) oooh that’s fun! i love kids lol i have a job as a teacher assistant and i work with kids that are like 4-6 years old 🥺 oH which is where i got the inspo for that one riki drabble with lil yn kissing lil riki on the cheek and stuff lol. that actually happened in one of the classes 😭 it was so cute skdjsjsj

how did you learn english btw? and ugh i totally understand. english grammar is SUPER confusing. even as a native speaker, sometimes i question my own grammar lol. so i always admire ppl who learn english when it’s not their native language, esp when they’re as fluent as you! <3 srsly

and i’ve heard of georgia. idk much about it tho lol. i only know of it bc when i was in grade 8, for fun (literally FOR FUN 💀 SKSJSK), i memorized all of the countries of the world and where they’re located on a map lol i was a huge nerd ig skjdksjd so yeah i’m familiar with georgia but ik like nothing about it sksjsk and the alphabet is sooo pretty pLS. is it an easy alphabet to learn? like compared to english let’s say lol

naur really? my vocab has impressed you??! whEN?? sksjsdkjs i remember in your work there were words that impressed me lol which is another reason why i find it so hard to believe eng isn’t your first language!!!! naurrr thank you 🥺 your def one of the vv talented writers on here too, i’m serious. also also! the long hc in your drafts (did you say it was a hc? lol i can’t remember already skdjskd im soRRY) idk if you’ve talked about it more before bc i’m literally terrible at keeping up w things but mind me asking what it’s about? 👀😏

HELP PLS DONT WORRY ABT THE SPACE ON MY BLOG😞😞 i have over 1.5k posts alr and its literally just me screaming and crying so we're good dwdw

AND PLEASE THATS SO CUTE :( i love kids too but theyre such a pain in the ass sometimes, especially the very young ones like 2-5 years old cuz during that age they're more... actuve ig :/ HOW DO U EVEN TAKE CARE OF THEM I WOULD'VE GONE MAD HELSPSMNS

and we learn english at school, from grade 1 up until grade 12 but the level is VERY LOW. we use the same A2-3 or smth levels EVERY SINGLE YEAR so it gets very infuriating as someone who's i guess ahead of everyone else because i know all that stuff already 😭😭😭 and yeah english grammar is a bit confusing but it's nothing compared to russian AND ESPECIALLY GEORGIAN GRAMMAR. as a native speaker,,,, yeah georgian grammar is fucking hell. it may look simple but it's far more difficult than english, german, italian, french & all that jazz :/ its a very difficult langauge overall. sometimes even i'm not fluent in it, that's how difficult the grammar is 😭😭

also grade 8 u was insane bcuz WHY?? WOULD U DO THAT 😞😞 i can't even memorize the name of my own country were you okay??? and yeah our culture is actually very unique and just overall based more on the artistic side. we have our own dances, singing, our own food, clothing and a very very long history. we may be small but we have definitely kept our traditions throughout the centuries and i'm very proud of that, so that stuff is also very hard to get used to when it comes to foreigners visiting or even moving here because it's VERY different from other places. as for the alphabet oH GOD NO ITS DEFINITELY VERY HARD TO LEARN, we spend at least 4 years with different types of textbooks that are specifically made to learn how to write the letters with step-by-step tutorials and guides. we also have some letters shortened a bit like ლ,დ so it's even more confusing for people who aren't fluent to read what we write 😭😭 and as the years pass everyone develops their own calligraphy (which is even more unique because of our strange alphabet) yet we can still somehow understand what the other is writing? it's very weird and definitely not an easy language or an alphabet to learn for foreigners.

ALSO YEAH WHAT IM WRITING IS KINDA?? HEADCANONS??? bulletpoints? idfk atp its a mixture of drabble + headcanon + bulletpoint and i had the time of my life writing it but now im too lazy to proofread (which i probably wont do at the end of the day OOPS) and write for the two members that i have left :///// and i'll give sort of a hint (?) it has smth to do with enhypen and highschool 😋😋 the rest is up to your imagination (well until it's released ofc) its smth that i haven't really done before cuz i usually do normal bulletpoints so it's kinda hard for me but Oh well there's a first for everything and i need to step out of my comfort zone sometimes 😈💪

#‼️.may answers #‼️.mutuals #‼️.em

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fairycosmos · 3 years

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i hate grief bc i've wanted to die my whole life and thinking about the person i lost never wanted to make me stay but now that they are the ones who died i'm angry as fuck every day and feel trapped but i know that if it had been me the one to die it would have been ok and i wouldnt even have worried about it/hurting ppl with my death. like every day i do H and get drunk and i dont care about dying you know? but i lost someone and it makes me angry that THEY didnt care. do you get what i mean?

i am really really sorry for your loss. yeah. i know what you mean, at least to an extent. everyone’s grief and suffering is unique to them and the relationship they had with the one who passed, but i can relate so much to being trapped and mad and out of my mind. i think a lot of people can. it seems like so many of us are walking around half disillusioned by this existence and half completely done with it because of the shit we’ve been through. every day i feel a form of anger (most of the time it is cold and numbing) when i think about how my sister died. i have gone round and round in my head about why she did the things she did. because even if it wasn’t fully preventable, it wasn’t cancer or a car crash or anything like that. when i found out what she had in her system. god. i can not explain to you what that moment was like. it fucking choked me. all i remember is i felt my heart beating somewhere in my head, and i was PISSED. i thought i was going to pass out. because it’s like you said - she didn’t care, and that was almost like proof. she went to sleep thinking nothing of anything. mindless. after weeks of lecturing her, after her constant presence in my life, all that time. after years of her fucking around w other drugs and finally finding stability only to slip for less than a month bc of some fucking man, only to lose her entire life to a mistake - it’s inexplicable. i can sit here and write to you about it but i still cant’t fathom it. how she didn’t give a fuck, or she couldn’t see the situation clearly enough to. and now i’m living this forever without her. now i have to take care of my mother alone. now i’ve lost my best friend. and she lost everything. she was a whole person, she would’ve had years left and she deserved to. and the only reason she didn’t is because she couldn’t fuckin accept how much she was worth, how much life was worth so she gambled w death. what i’m saying is i understand that in a way, maybe a selfish way, i don’t know - it almost feels mocking. because we’ll never know if they realize what they’ve done. after she died that’s all i could repeat out loud in the shower. i kept saying: you don’t know what you’ve done. idiot, stupid girl. shit like that. every time i tried to talk to her, it was a lecture. so yeah. it is very very normal to be pissed off and bitter dude. it is not easy or fair to be left behind. it’s all a normal part of grief. losing it entirely is the whole thing because honestly what else can you do.

i could be wrong but. unfortunately i think all of these emotions, in the context of you, stem from the fact that it is easier to care for others than it is to care about yourself. you’re not bothered about yourself dying because you don’t have the same love for yourself that you had for the one who passed. you don’t see yourself as important in that way. i don’t know what happened to make you feel like that. maybe whatever it was lead you to use drugs n alcohol to escape in the first place. maybe you think you not mattering is some sort of universal truth, but it’s not. it’s a belief you constructed either out of pain or as a trauma response that you’ve clung onto so much that you’ve convinced yourself it’s reality. it’s clear you’re going through an insurmountably difficult time, and i know words on a screen aren’t going to change that. i wont pretend to get it first hand. i just want you to know that the same way you wish your friend had realized the worth in their life before it was too late, that same anger born from frustration and sadness - that’s how a lot of people likely feel about you. and i know you don’t care about hurting them w your death because you don’t care about anything. your friend didn’t care, why should you, right? but that’s how the cycle perpetuates. and you’re the one who has to live with this all now, stuck here or not. try to periodically and consciously recognize how fucked up and permanent grief is. you don’t want to be the one to cause it. not really. not when you can see it for what it is and you have the option to prevent it. you are here no matter how much you wish not to be. you do deserve to find substantial peace, stability and good health while you still can. that’s non negotiable. even if it takes a fucking life time getting there.

i completely understand that it is all far easier said than done. that you have to be the one who is willing to reach out for help and to really stick w a plan but. i guess i just hope you know that the option will always be waiting for you when you are willing to seek it out. whether it’s through a hotline, rehab, your doctor, your friends and family, 2 hours without using or drinking. any step in the right direction is commendable. you are absolutely more resilient than you realize. more in general than you realize. you’ve had to deal with so much, just the most unimaginable things, and you’re still here. i know that’s because you feel you have no real choice in the matter, back to being trapped here. but nonetheless you’re making it. you can learn to treat yourself w the same regard that you treated your friend. you can learn to care about what happens to you. you can slowly make a home out of what you currently see as a jail. through talking, through implementing healthier coping mechanisms into your daily life, through building a support system, through confronting and processing how much it hurts, through finding the clarity that comes with progress. all the things your brain wants you to write off. addiction and mental illness are genuine health concerns that require long lasting therapy and treatment just like any other ailment. and maybe the point is to learn to live with them, rather than to cure them entirely. but they are not a death sentence (and that is a good thing), and they are not the entirety of you. you are just currently very overwhelmed by them, understandably so. excuse me if this is all sounds like naïve bullshit, but maybe some day you will be able to take some of it on board if you can’t right now. anyway, it sounds cliche as fuck, but every day that you’re alive you’re keeping your friend’s influence on this world alive too. you were shaped by them, in more ways than you realize. and they’re here in more ways than we realize too. not necessarily ghosts, at least imo. but just around. and in your head, in the universe. i am rooting for you so much and i hope you can accept that even if it all feels like lies, it’s ok to treat yourself w kindness. any attempt is good enough. sending a lot of love your way. please take care of yourself as much as possible. please consider your needs and your well being while you still have the choice to. sorry to go all 90s drug prevention ad on you btw, but u know me. i’m incapable of shutting up and minding my business abt this sort of thing lol

#tw drugs #tw addiction #tw death #tw overdose #tw suicide #anon

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1eos · 4 years

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Hi kendra from a capricorn to a virgo do you have any tips on how to stop being the Therapist FriendTM? this shit is tiring 😭 btw love your blog keep being the funniest person on here

i DO have tips 🚶‍♀️ the past few yrs have been me learning how to stop too

-firstly nd maybe most importantly just make everyone respect your time? i used to make myself available for my friends 24/7 nd that was a bad idea bc if i didnt answer a text abt how they were sad instantly they would get mad at me so what i learned to do was tell everyone that i put my phone on do not disturb at a certain time so if i dont respond im getting ready for bed OR if i was busy/not in the right head space i would text back nd tell them i see their messages but im busy so ill get back to u in a second

-stop giving advice all the time. as the mom(tm) friend u want to dive in nd give advice or fix stuff but we gotta stop trying to fix EVERYTHING! what i do is i ask my friends if they just want to vent or if they want advice. nd if i feel like something is way beyond me i say ‘im not comfortable trying to give advice on this may i suggest talking to x,y,z’. i feel like showing ppl that u dont have all the answers would help make them realize youre not a mom or a therapist you're just a FRIEND

-have a threshold of caring. this doesnt happen often but ik everyone has that one friend that complains nd complains nd doesn’t want to get better they just want to complain until someone else fixes their shit. well what i do is after it becomes clear that they don’t want to fix a situation i tell them straight up that im only gonna listen to them drag everyone down w their issues WE’VE ALREADY TALKED ABT 3 more times. i have a close friend nd he hates his job w his dad so much but he’s not even TRYING to look for a new job nd after a yr of complaining there’s nothing i can do but tell him straight up that he’s stagnating nd there’s no more advice or help i can offer. its on him. u dont need to rude abt it ofc just be very honest. tell them u there’s nothing anyone can say/do until THEYRE ready to change. if they get mad at you even if ure nice abt it that’s a sign that theyre not a good friend tbh

-nd lastly. this is something i JUST learned how to be honest enough to do but just tell ur friends how u feel! if u have friends that care abt u they’ll understand when u tell them that ure overwhelmed with your own feelings/life so that u can’t always be there for every small thing going on in their lives nd that u might answer messages slowly/not be able to hang out to listen to them complain all the time/etc BC u need to worry abt u! nd again there’s a very sincere nd nice way to say this obvs lmao nd if ur friends have an issue w you taking time for yourself then again they aint shit!

-basically try to open up an honest conversation w your friends? i find that the main reason we get stuck as the therapist friend is that we’d rather keep our problems to ourselves nd ppl see that as a sign that we have everything together when we don’t nd then WE feed off of helping others bc it makes us feel accomplished nd wanted when u shouldnt have to bear the burdens of everyone else to be a part of a friendship. relationships should be mutual giving nd taking! learning to be more vulnerable should make others see u as human nd u deserve to be able to ask for help from others :) i hope this helped im on this journey w u too anon pls know ure not alone 💖

#😔i feel for us therapist friends #i really do think we can all get better nd have mutually beneficial relationships #my life has gotten so much better since ive told my closest friend that im depressed as hell #nd cant drop everything for her #nd she was so understanding i cried 😭😭😭😭#asks #Anonymous

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