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petrichormore · 8 months

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daily reminder that q!bbh is not only experiencing psychotic episodes but is also physically wounded, ill, and potentially dying. We also have no idea how that is playing into his decision making. I see a lot of people just kinda disregarding it and acting like q!bbh is making the decisions he’s making in a vacuum of normality, but q!Forever is partially right when he says this isn’t the “real” q!badboyhalo. This is a heavily wounded and ill q!bad whose injuries are already affecting his ability to see color, so what else are they affecting?

Like, it’s not that I think q!Forever is right when he says “I know this isn’t you, I know you’re not yourself” because he’s clearly projecting - q!Bad does not need to be saved or fixed especially by a man who he doesn’t trust but… having q!bbh be in the worst state he’s ever been in isn’t him being in his “truest” state either. And I’ve seen that be said - that this is the true, honest q!bbh and q!forever befriended a facade, a lie, but that’s just. Not accurate at all. The kind-hearted, altruistic, and gentle q!bbh that q!forever befriended is just as real as the one we’re seeing now. It’s just that q!forever befriended q!bbh while he was in a relatively normal (he’s being held captive on murder island after all) state of mind, and now he’s nearing his worst. His absolute worst is not any more his “true self” than his absolute best would be, and I’d argue niether extreme is a particularly accurate reflection.

“This is the real q!bbh: a terrible person.” Maybe he is a terrible person but this isn’t evidence of that, this is just evidence that he’s fucking surviving on a knife’s edge. This is him pushed to the very brink of what he can handle, and then pushed even farther. A person’s lowest moment is not when their “true personality” is revealed or whatever and I’ve never liked that idea to begin with. A person’s lowest moment might reveal an unnatural extreme but that’s like. It. In my opinion, anyway.

The “real” q!bbh is cunning, devious, and ruthless and is also kind, altruistic, and selfless. Those ‘good ones’ aren’t traits he just pretended to have, that’s him in equal measure. I know it’s fun for the demon to be evil or something, but he’s just… not, really. He’s currently sick in ways we don’t fully understand, but from what we do know he’s being drained of color and of sanity so how can someone point at him and say “this is the real q!bbh” no, it’s the worst q!bbh (that we’ve seen). But worst does not equal truest - his thought process and personality are clearly being affected by his lack of sleep, and his declining mental health, and whatever the hell those vultures have done to him.

I don’t know, I just don’t think people are taking his physical appearance, and the fact that he’s straight up gone colorblind and experienced a psychotic break into account enough when discussing what this current arc reveals about him as a person. Any conclusion drawn about his personality should come with a “he’s barely hanging in there are we sure this is an intrinsic personality flaw or just a reaction to a traumatic situation that he would probably never exhibit under any other circumstance that vaguely resembles normal”

#this isn’t about the big stuff like torturing ron cuz obviously q!Bad’s cool with torture. that isn’t something new lmao #this is more about people treating this like it’s his most honest state when he’s actively hallucinating and bleeding a blue substance #from OPEN WOUNDS #one of which is on his HEAD and affecting his EYE #does that not seem relevant to any conversation that might be had about his behavior right now????#hello??????#qsmp #qsmp badboyhalo #qsmp analysis #q!badboyhalo #q!bbh character analysis

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suffersinfandom · 7 months

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This is a somewhat-hingeless rant about disability and OFMD/Izzy takes.

Tumblr handed me a "recommended" post that made me so mad I ended up deleting a moderately unhinged reply and walking away for a bit. It's still eating at me, so I'm just gonna reply to it indirectly.

(I know this is cowardly, but anything I say will just lead to fighting and I'm tired. If anyone wants to discourse about whatever I post, please do me a favor and don't rant at me directly. Take caps and scream into the void like a gentleperson.)

First: I am physically disabled and I often use visible disability aids (just establishing my credentials so I'm allowed to not support this take uncritically). I also have mental health issues and less visible physical issues that honestly cripple me more.

Second: the title alone, man. My main issue with this whole thing is the disability gatekeeping, but that interpretation... hngh. I don't think OFMD was trying to meet a disability quota, you know? It's not "we have three disabled people so we can kill one off."

"Izzy shouldn't have died because he's the most clearly, visibly disabled" is a weird take because it conflates two unrelated things: Izzy's disability and Izzy's death. It's okay to be upset that Izzy died because his specific disability was something you related to. It hurts to have representation taken away! But his death had a narrative purpose. It had nothing to do with his status as an amputee.

And yeah, people are disabled in different ways, but is acknowledging that really an invitation to dismiss some disabilities as invalid? Sure, let's gatekeep disability. Let's decide that some people aren't disabled, actually. Lucius, Black Pete, Wee John, Spanish Jackie, and Ed aren't disabled in a way that's huge and traumatic and life-changing, so throw them out.

Except Ed is one of our protagonists, and I'd argue that his issues are way more important to the narrative than Izzy's. Ed's bad knee is technically fanon (fanon that I love because I too have bad joints and a shit knee), but I would argue that Ed is absolutely canonically disabled. Are we really supposed to disregard his crippling mental health issues because they're not visible? We're just going to shrug off the suicidal despair that drove a huge chunk of the plot? Wild that something so central to the story just doesn't matter because it's not the right kind of disabled.

That was a tangent, sorry. Back to Izzy and the injury that was "thrust upon him."

Yes, his injury is life-changing and traumatic. I'm sympathetic -- but not as sympathetic as I would be if he hadn't played a significant part in the events that led to the loss of his leg.

"That's victim blaming!"

It's a statement of fact. As Izzy himself admitted, he drove the darkness in Ed. He dangled his leg over the side of the ship and a shark bit it off. The injury wasn't thrust upon him so much as actively courted.

Izzy tried to shoot himself in the head at his lowest moment. If I may misquote OP: if you cannot see that there is a WORLD of difference between Ed's multi-episode suicidal arc and Izzy impulsively seeking an out, I honestly do not know what to say to you.

But the big thing about Izzy is that he is a secondary character in a story. If you take off the Izzy blinders, you can see that it's not all about him. His go at suicide killed the symbol of toxic masculinity that he had been up to that point so his story could progress. When he crawled along the floor whining pathetically, his sheer levels of wet cat-ness brought the crew together. The crew rallying around him and giving him the love and forgiveness that he did not ask for? That was about the crew and their growth, not Izzy.

Izzy did not have some deep-seated care for the crew before he was shot. He didn't throw himself in front of a bullet for them. He was not the crew's protector. Izzy's growth began when Ed essentially fired him, and the real changes happened post leg removal.

But here's something super important: Izzy was not suicidal when he told Ed he was ready to go.

Because yeah, I agree, it'd suck if a character who attempted suicide spent a few episodes being rehabilitated and accepting love and who he is turned around and decided that he wanted to die. It's a good thing that's not what happened.

This is what made me decide not to reply directly. Yeah, clearly a lot of disabled queer people are upset. And you know what? That's fine! I always support feeling what you're feeling, even if that feeling is negative. I'm sorry that other queer disabled people are hurting, and I don't want to add to that hurt by being directly confrontational.

Then OP said the last part and I was riled all over again. I was prepared to reblog since I meet their criteria (or maybe I don't -- I might not be the right kind of disabled), but what's the point? How miserable do I want to be? How much do I want to make them miserable?

I know I ranted a lot here, but what I'm getting at is this: Izzy DID NOT "go from wanting to die after a hugely traumatic disabling life event" to "wanting to die after finding acceptance and happiness." If he had, I'd totally understand why OP is upset and I'd think, yeah, maybe they should've run that by a few more people.

Izzy didn't want to die. He accepted his death as the inevitability it was -- inevitable not just because the wound was fatal, but because his death was important to the larger story and, importantly, Ed's story.

Izzy is piracy. Izzy is toxic masculinity personified. Izzy is anchoring Ed to Blackbeard. Izzy is not a character who overcame great obstacles and found acceptance just to decide that, actually, he'd like to be dead instead. He's not David Jenkins and company telling people who relate to Izzy that they should just die. He's not proof that recovery and joy are impossible for broken people.

Look at Ed. He went from wanting to die to wanting to live and do better. He's still working for his acceptance and happiness, and Izzy's last words are insistence to him that he'll get there.

Lucius said that some people are just broken, and this season does everything it can to refute that. One of the clearest themes is no one is broken beyond repair. People can change and they can heal and they can be forgiven by the people they hurt. This theme is so clear that I don't understand how anyone can overlook it.

I've been typing for ages and I'm honestly so sorry to anyone who takes me seriously enough to read this. It's a lot of negativity, and we have more than enough of that.

(And if you're disabled, hurt by Izzy's death, and also somehow still here, I sincerely hope that you feel better about it soon. I hope you'll come across meta that puts things into perspective in a way that lets you appreciate OFMD's positive messages and make peace with or move past season two. Barring that, I hope you find a new show to latch onto that gives you everything you want.)

#ofmd #ofmd fandom #izzy hands #edward teach #fandom critical #izzy critical #(not really but hopefully anyone who wants to brawl has that blacklisted)#disability talk #me treating tumblr like a personal journal #i have a headache joint pain and a lot of feelings #read with caution #oh shit i forgot #ofmd s2 spoilers #cw suicide #tw suicide #me typing things

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bbygirl-aemond · 1 year

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The Greens as the found family trope

Hi all I’m back on my “found family” bullshit so here are my thoughts on Ser Criston Cole as the Green siblings’ father figure :)

First, I’ve posted before about how devastated Criston is when Rhaenyra rejects him, and why I think that is. Long story short, they have an extreme power difference as a result the differences in their races, wealth, social stations, and political influences. Criston jeopardizes his career and his life in order to be intimate with her, and when rejected feels as if he was led on to believe she wanted a formal relationship with him, when she really wanted some stress relief. Rhaenyra is obviously not obligated to love him because they had sex, but she was definitely ignorant of her privilege when she pressured him into doing so.

So a post-Rhaenyra Criston is a man who believes he has forever jeapordized everything he has had to fight for, everything that all of the other characters on the show were born into. At any moment, Rhaenyra could tell people about what they did, and take away his career, his standing, and his life itself. He feels as if he has compromised himself, and his honor, all for naught, and as if there will forever be a sword of Damocles hanging over his head.

This is why he bashes Joffrey’s face in at Rhaenyra and Laenor’s wedding; it’s years of pent up terror of what would happen were his secret to get out (still insane of him tho). And, most importantly, this is why he immediately attempts suicide afterwards. He feels completely hopeless and does not see a way out of the situation that Rhaenyra has put him in.

And then you have Alicent. She saves his life, and gives him a purpose going forward as her protector-- and we have seen how much Criston cares about having an honorable purpose. Not only that, Alicent fully accepts him as he is: as a Dornishman, as a lowborn, and as an oathbreaker. As I’ve mentioned previously, we have seen other characters make classist and racist remarks to Criston; yet Alicent welcomes him as not just her protector.

We are shown, on the night that Aemond loses his eye, just how achingly alone she is; how literally no one at court will stand up for her and her children, including her own husband. Though Criston does not agree to take Lucerys's eye for her, we see him running to her, and having to be held back, when she lunges for Rhaenyra. And, of course, there is the visual parallel between Rhaenyra, Daemon, and her children, presented as one family unit:

And Alicent, Criston, and Aemond, juxtaposed against them: another family.

Later on in the show, Alicent also relies on Criston as a confidant, and as a problem-solver. It is him she goes to, when Viserys dies; him alone that she trusts to be loyal to her, rather than to Otto. Him alone that she trusts with her son.

Aegon is not the only son she trusts Criston with; we clearly see that Criston has taken Aemond on as a protégé in the scene of them training. There is a closeness there; they have trained together for years, and there is a familiarity that results. Aemond even confides in Criston, sharing some incredibly personal and potentially damning secrets. First, he admits to his frustration that his brother will be king when he is so ill-suited for it; it’s evident in the scene that this is the first time he has said such a thing aloud. And second, he tells Criston about the time his brother brought him to a brothel as a child; a traumatizing event he clearly does not remember fondly. These are not things you would tell your mother’s guard, or even your sparring partner; these are things you would tell someone you trusted and looked up to. Someone like a father.

So there is something about Criston and Alicent that seems very special to me. It doesn’t need to be romantic, even; but these are two people who met each other at their lowest points. Who feel as if they have no one in their respective corners, as if their lives are hopeless. Who come together, and raise children together, and protect their own.

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kitkatwinchester · 1 year

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WHAT THE F*CK?!

Okay, first of all, I don't buy ANY of this.

You can tell, because Dylan's acting is spot-on. SOMETHING'S off. His attitude about all of this is WAY too laid-back, and his sudden ability to remember what happened and make the connections is TOO convenient.

Like, the Nogitsune is doing a good job, and it picked a good host, because Stiles is crazy smart, and he was really close to figuring everything out, and in any normal situation, everyone would be quick to trust his brain and his ability to make the connections, which is why they're trusting him now (though points to Scott for the wariness he clearly does have, even if he is going along with the whole thing). But like I said, it's TOO convenient. Suddenly Stiles just happens to be back, and happens to have some semblance of what's wrong with him, and is able to produce all of this evidence all of a sudden? No. Absolutely not.

And as far as the attitude goes, yeah, too laid-back. Yes, Stiles is a problem-solver, and yes, he uses humor and wit to cope and move on from traumatic events, but he has been REELING these last few days, and you're telling me all of a sudden, he's worked through it and he's more or less fine and is able to put two-and-two together and solve this case? No. I don't buy it. And I really hope nobody else does either.

With that out of the way, I waited a hot second to start a post, so let's react in order of events shall we?

As a general overarching thing, can we just reiterate how LOST Scott is without Stiles? Like, dude is so monotone and so just, like, mopey and lacking motivation and clearly hurting and upset. Like, he's trying, because he obviously wants to save his best friend, and he wants to save the town, but you can just TELL that he's missing a piece of himself without Stiles with him. He's lost his usual optimism, he's so stoic and impassive, and he just generally does not look or seem like himself. He just seems so...numb. Kudos to Tyler Posey for his acting on that, because it's really heartbreaking to watch, but it also makes me love and appreciate the Sciles relationship even more than I already do. Poor Scott. Poor Stiles. Please fix this so that you two can be together again. :( :( <3 <3

That said, Scott taking Isaac's pain? My heart. That hurt him so much, but he was willing to do it in a heartbeat to try to help his foster brother (also Allison's "I tried to tell them he doesn't have any" and Melissa's "He's got us." I CANNOT!! This little family. <3). Also, I really appreciate how well Scott handles Allison and Isaac's relationship in this moment when they're all at their lowest. Like, instead of being angry or hurt, like he has been previously, he's kind of come to accept it, and in a way, I think he's kind of grateful that the two of them have each other. The little soft touch to wake Allison up, the surprise when she grabs his hand that quickly turns into understanding about how desperately she needs comfort when she's so worried about Isaac, how willing he is to be that platonic comfort she needs knowing and understanding that worry...it's REALLY good, and I really appreciate that about Scott and his character and growth.

Since this is the next obvious segue, I find the different ways everyone is looking for and reacting to Stiles' disappearance soooo fascinating, and also frightening in some ways. Like, Allison is angry and was quick to blame Stiles ("Did Stiles really do this?"), which means she clearly cares less about the distinction, but then Scott (OBVIOUSLY) was super quick to shut that down ("The thing inside of him did."), because as far as he's concerned, Stiles didn't do sh*t (because he DIDN'T)--his body is just being used to do it. You see a very similar dynamic with Chris and Derek. If Chris finds Stiles and it's the Nogitsune, he basically admits to the fact that he will kill it, no hesitation. Meanwhile, Derek is clearly much more protective of Stiles and is a lot less willing to kill Stiles to get to the Nogitsune--more on Scott's side in that regard. Add to that Ethan and Aiden attacking Stiles the second they saw him, literally only stopping when Scott Alpha roared at them (because ALPHA!), plus Kira's mom ready to kill the Nogitsune in the hospital last episode, and you've got an interesting amount of people who don't seem to care that Stiles is STILL IN THERE. I guarantee you that's gonna make for some interesting dynamics later, because I also guarantee you that no matter what, Scott WILL NOT kill Stiles. He'd rather die than do that...which makes me worried, in a lot of ways, because it means Scott is probably accidentally gonna let a LOT of bad things happen to avoid losing his best friend, but I kind of don't care, because I love that he would let the entire world burn before he'd let anything happen to Stiles. FRIENDSHIP GOALS! <3

Meanwhile, our other three parental figures only KIND of know what's going on (based on how she's reacting, I'm assuming Scott hasn't told Melissa about the Nogitsune, and he OBVIOUSLY hasn't told the Sheriff (because suuuure Derek, that's a SUPER easy conversation to have with STILES'S FATHER. For crying out loud...), and Rafael is only just now starting to be enveloped in this supernatural world. (of COURSE Katashi's dead, because we can't just have nice things or people in this universe anymore, apparently), so...I'm sure all of that's gonna come back to bite us somehow in the end.

But Scott and Stiles are gonna let the world burn for each other, so WORTH IT, because FRIENDSHIP GOALS!! XD <3

Anyways.

What am I missing?

OH YEAH!!

THE REASON I TITLED THIS POST THE WAY I DID!!

NOT COACH FINSTOCK!!!

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

HE BETTER F*CKING BE OKAY I SWEAR TO GOD!! (Actually I kind of already know he is because I know he's in later seasons and in the movie, but THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!)

Like.

You cannot give me those scenes where he obviously SO DEEPLY cares about his kids and then be like "anyways he's shot with an arrow now."

Like, sure, dude's a hard*ss, and he pushes them and yells at them all the time. But he also so clearly cares about them sooo much.

His worry for Stiles, and the happy little shock when he shows up at the trail, followed by that small little smile I just...

And then the card for Isaac! The way he tells all of them that they better write a heartfelt message about how much they love him (because they SHOULD, because how could you not love Isaac??), and how much he clearly means it (also as an aside, of COURSE Danny was the first one to jump up, I love him. <3).

I just...

HE BETTER HEAL QUICKLY AND BE FINE GOSH DARNAT!!

As a happy little aside, the way the couples/love interests save each other I love it.

Ethan tackling Danny and not actually being able to fully explain, so just going with the "I missed you" and then that cute little make-out session I LOVE THEM!!

And then Scott grabbing Kira and swinging her around, and how she wasn't even fazed and just immediately got all excited about how fast she was, and Scott couldn't help the way he smiled a little at her endearingly even though he's, like, worried and upset and supposed to be saving lives because it was SO cute and adorable like I just...I LOVE SCIRA!! <3 <3

So anyways.

That was a long post.

My bad.

Cute Danny and Ethan gif because they're adorable and I want a happy gif. XD

(Okay but the way Danny just immediately kissed back I CANNOT! <3)

Update: I'M TELLING YOU IT'S NOT F*CKING STILES!! THIS IS ALL JUST PART OF THE PLAN!! THE NOGITSUNE IS PUTTING ALL OF ITS CHESS PIECES ON THE BOARD AND TAKING YOURS OUT ONE BY ONE!! And it WILL get checkmate (don't mind me, I just recently read a book with a bunch of chess game metaphors in it), and you WILL LOSE! And I KNOW you all see that, so PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!! PLEASE FIGURE IT OUT!! PLEASE!!

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thegrimmmystic · 1 year

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The Shadow Of Christ

By: Chris Grimm

When it comes to our shadow, with the new mainstream push related to conciousness and self-awareness, I've noticed a remarkably high amount of inaccurate information. But theres one thing I want to set straight in particular. Your Shadow IS your highest self. Yet, simultaneously, it's your lowest.

"But Grimm how could that be? That doesn't make ANY sense"

Think of it this way. When we imagine our highest self, we picture an angelic, white robed, beautiful extension of ourselves. This variation of who we are is all-loving, empathetic, selfless, and incapable of only ever seeing the 'good' in people. But wait... Truly think about that a moment... Does that not sound exactly like the "version of you" you embodied in the first place which resulted in your very destruction? ALWAYS putting others first? NEVER speaking up when you have an issue? Giving people the benefit of the doubt who VERY CLEARLY never deserved it? In fact, I'd be willing to be that's the only reason you INVITED your Shadow into your life to begin with is BECAUSE of the person you were and the self destruction that had caused.

So what would the Shadow be then? While one voice says to continue doing things the way you were to become destroyed by fantasy based optimism, your Shadow is the Objective voice. The voice that says 'Why are you still loaning Bryce money? CLEARLY he's using it on scratch off tickets. And has he ever paid a dollar back? Of course he hasn't, yet you STILL choose to ignorantly believe he will?'. Your Shadow is the voice that tells you when you aren't reaching your full potential. It's the voice that, when you're on emotional overdrive, tells you how it truly is. Unfortunately though, most of us choose to ignore it, seeing it as 'us bullying ourselves', or in extreme cases, see it as 'hearing bad voices in our head that say mean things to us'. In reality it's just the objective half of our highest self.

Trying to embody your highest self without your Shadow is the textbook recipe to your very own self destruction. THIS is what one of the main (though there's A LOT) significant meanings behind the story of Jesus is about. Jesus listened to only one half of himself. He cared for and worried about only everybody else around him and it resulted in those very people destroying him.

Now, everybody knows that Jesus Ressurected after 'dying for all of our sins'. But whatt they won't say is that Jesus had to go to Hell upon death (metaphorically speaking) because the important part of that story, is before his Death, Sin would send you straight to Hell. Those sins didn't disappear. Jesus took them onto himself and took the punishment instead, which as I said, was going to Hell. Sound familiar yet? It should. Wouldn't you say that before waking up and learning to love yourself you had found yourself in your own personal Hell?

After his death he didn't only go to Hell. He woke up in the pits of the absolute bottom layer of Hell, and his only way out was to walk through each and every layer, facing every demon along the way. Would this not sound EXACTLY like walking the path, reliving all of our worst and most Traumatic experiences that resulted in our self sacrifice, or Shadow work, as you may better know it?

BUT upon finishing the long, painful journey, Jesus prevailed. He fought and destroyed every demon which dared challenge him and when he finally resurfaced, he was holding the very key to the gates of Hell. After locking the door, he'd won. He learned that all of the things which destroyed him were healed again, and no longer did he see a broken world and broken people in need of saving. He realized that each and every person was able of saving themselves and ressurection after breaking. That the only way to Heaven, truly, was to first walk through Hell. Only then could someone value all life, including their own, as beautiful and worthy.

THIS is integration of The Shadow. Being loving and caring, while treating others the way the treat you. Allowing yourself to question someone's motives, while remaining in control. Control is vital. Lean to close to the light and you'll sacrifice yourself. Lean to close to The Shadow and you'll sacrifice the world. Remain right in the middle though, and you'll achieve absolute balance.

Your Shadow isn't your enemy.

It simply wants what's best for YOU.

The dangerous part, is it only wants best for JUST YOU.

#esoteric #meditation #spiritualgrowth #spirituality #shadow work #alan watts #divination #norse #pagan #runes #tarot

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iamhomewardbound · 9 months

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8.28.23

TW - death, graphic descriptions, depression

My Dad died last May.

He died at 3:10 PM on a Wednesday afternoon after a lifelong battle with alcoholism. He died before I turned thirty, before he could walk me down the aisle, before he could meet my future children.

On a late Sunday afternoon I drove home because he was in the hospital again. My mom said they had mentioned that he may have six months to live. Huh? I don't know how I drove for over 3 hours after hearing that. Over the course of the next eleven days, his prognosis went from months to weeks, and from weeks to days.

And on the eleventh day, we sat around him, exhausted beyond words after days and nights of exasperated caretaking that spiraled into infinity. I cannot physically bring myself to write what we experienced, but just know when you liver and kidneys fail simultaneously, ammonia builds up in the body and pretty much makes you go insane. So the parent you love with all your heart is writhing, bucking and tearing at their own skin as their body succumbs to the end stages. They are hallucinating and angry. They are awake all hours of the night and asleep all hours of the day. They are diapered and spoon fed. They are helpless.

As we sat around him on the 11th day, his breathing began to labor. I looked up from the newspaper I was reading and suddenly it was time. We gathered (or floated? I don't even know how I got there) around him and I took his hand in mine. It was oddly lukewarm and slightly rigid. I didn't think anything of it at the time, in fact I'm not sure I was capable of coherent thought at all. His big giant hands that held me as a child, that would rustle my hair and envelope me in massive hugs. Those giant hands. How, Dad, how?

His wrist pressed against mine, and I realized couldn't feel a pulse. His breathing paused for longer than normal. I put my two fingers up under his jawline and suddenly he let out, what I did not know at the time, the very last gasp of air from his lungs. I was so startled I laughed. Not sure why I did. Then suddenly our family nurse was there and my mom told her solemnly that he seemed to have stopped breathing. Seconds, minutes, hours, maybe even days passed by, and then she put her fingers on his neck to check his pulse, and then some words came out of her mouth that indicated he was dead but there was that ringing sound in my ears. My mom and sister erupted into animalistic sobs, but the ringing sound™ got louder, louder and louder like in the movies. All other sound is muted. There is nothing, only ringing.

Somehow I watched my Dad get put on a stretcher and loaded into a hearse. They zipped the black bag up around his face and I wanted to cry out, "STOP, you're suffocating him!!!"

But it was me that couldn't breathe. I was the one who was suffocating. I couldn't breathe, and I wouldn't be able to really breathe for the next several months. Maybe even the rest of my life.

It's been a little over a year. A year of the core part of my being collapsing into itself and rotting into the diseased seas of despair and depression. You thought you were sad? You thought you were really fucking sad?? Try losing a parent under highly traumatic circumstances and your lowest moments will feel like a goddamned vacation compared to this.

The worst feeling of all is this is year 1/X; 1 of X.

X being a lifetime.

The mortuary called us on Father's Day to let us know my Dad's ashes were ready to be picked up. You know, cause Father's Day clearly was the best day to do this (sarcasm).

Something they don't tell you about ashes is that there's bits of calcified bone in it. So, if you move it, rebottle it, or shake it, it goes klink-tink. It is also a beige, almost skin-like color, not what I would have expected, and kind of sombering.

And so this is my life now. Consumed forever by the sudden, highly traumatic death of my father. I continue my existence pretending to seem like I'm okay when I've been dealt probably the craziest fucking blow I could have never forseen coming.

I can't vocalize the absolute horror and pain I've had to see and go through. I just can't.

Hug your parents. Hug your Dad. forgive them. Go visit them.

I would give up all my earthly possessions just to be wrapped in a big bear hug from my Dad, but I will never again in my life get that privilege. Just writing those words out into a sentence is incomprehensible.

You don't even know the magnitude of knowing never again in your life will you see, hear, or touch someone you love. These words shift continents and collapse black holes. They pause time and halt gravity.

So, I urge you to you go tell your parents you love them, and give them as many hugs as you still can. Please.

For me, if anything.

#death #ptsd #deathofparent #grief #thoughts #alcoholism #codependency #love #sad #depression #depressed #anxiety #grieving #loss

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hello-nichya-here · 3 years

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Why Zuko sided with Azula over Iroh in Ba Sing Se (and why he was somewhat "right" to do so)

One of the "twists" in Avatar that make more and more sense the more I think about it, was Zuko betraying his uncle when Azula gives him a chance to come home - and it is also one of my favorite parallels in the narrative.

In "Avatar State" we see Azula suddenly coming back into Zuko and Iroh's life, telling her brother the very lie he wanted so desperately to convince himself was true (that Ozai was genuinely sorry and wanted him around), while Iroh was trying to snap him out of it.

However, as the season went on, we see that dynamic start to shift, and Iroh is the one who is clearly struggling to see the obvious: that Zuko would never be truly happy leading that simple, honest, good life they had in Ba Sing Se (at least not without getting some kind of closure/truly understanding just how badly his father hurt him).

Iroh wanted the best for Zuko, and he genuinely loved him, but he was seeing only the good in him, which made Zuko vulnerable to his most toxic traits (impatience, entitlement, selfishness, exagerated pride and anger). He was ignoring the simple facts that:

1 - Even though Iroh obviously like a father to him, and Zuko loved him dearly, he still loved Ozai and wanted his love as well.

2 - No matter how great of a life he was offered in Ba Sing Se, Zuko did not chose it, but was forced into it in a very traumatic way, losing his family, his home, his country,and literally everything he knew, and being thrown in enemy territory, having to either keep chasing an "impossible" goal of capturing someone who was "dead", or to just accept that the life he knew before was over and that he would never even see his father again, let alone be able to reconciliate with him OR call him out for his abuse.

Iroh was keeping Zuko safe and trying to help him make the best out of a bad situation. He was also ignoring his emotional needs. And when Zuko gave in and started acting like the son he thought Iroh wanted (that was so completely un-zuko-like that it was almost disturbing to watch), Iroh didn't recognize how false and unhealthy that was.

Then Azula comes back, and just seeing her, just having one small bit of his old life back immediately makes the real Zuko come back.

Unlike their uncle, Azula did not choose to see only one side of her brother. She knew very well that, despite of everything he had gone through and how much he had changed, he was still the proud prince of the Fire Nation (something Zuko himself says out loud in "Zuko Alone" right after remembering his mother telling him "Never forget who you are") and that he was still the loyal son that wanted nothing but to be someone his father would love and be proud of.

There's also one thing that people forget that Azula was implicitly offering to her brother on that moment: her approval. Their relationship was a train-wreck, but Zuko had always (reluctantly) admired Azula, and on that moment she was honest with him. She promised she'd take him home if he helped her, and she did. She said he restored his own honor that night, and she meant it. On "The Headband" she told him she was looking out for him despite gaining nothing by doing so and she was telling the truth. On "The Beach" she knew he was upset, knew where to find him, and tried to cheer him up (in a unhealthy way, but this ain't the point). Zuko's relationship with sister is much more complicated than Iroh realized, and they did care about each other, in their own weird, dysfunctional way - which was another factor on Zuko's betrayal, after all, he only joined the fight when Azula was being cornered by Aang and Katara.

But most important of all, she did something Iroh thought he was doing for him, but wasn't able to truly put into practice: allowing Zuko to choose. "Who are you? And what do you want?" Really important questions that Zuko needed to figure out the answers to, and that Iroh convinced himself he already knew. Zuko wanted to do right, and he didn't want any innocents to suffer, but he never stopped wanting the throne and the approval of his family. Only by truly seeing the appalling things his father, his sister, and his entire nation were willing to do to the rest of the world (and with Iroh no longer coddling him, but instead holding him accountable) did he finally understand that he could either be a good person, or he could keep supporting them out of blind loyalty. He would never be able to do both.

Azula allowed her brother to do one of the worst things he could have ever done and to reach his lowest point - and that allowed him to choose right, not be forced into acting a certtain way. Ironically, she, the perfect Fire Nation soldier, Ozai's "evil" daughter and favorite weapon, was the one who saved Zuko - or rather, showed him the way to save himself.

(Too bad those goddamn comics chose to have Zuko abuse her while she was at her most vulnerable instead of trying to do the same for her)

#fire siblings #fire nation royal family #iroh #azula #zuko #fire siblings meta #iroh meta #zuko meta #azula meta #azula deserved better #the comics suck

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thinkingisadangerouspastime · 3 years

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warmth

Then her shoulders fell, the inky shadows deepening across her face as Katara sighed and pulled her knees into her chest. “I just—I have to know you’re okay, Aang. That’s all. It’s not a big deal.”

Aang blinked, her words sinking into his heart like a stone into quicksand. “Know I’m okay,” he repeated, “or know I’m alive?”

When Aang falls, Katara is always there to catch him. But maybe that’s part of the problem.

(Written for Day 5 of Kataang Week 2021: Healing, hosted by @kataang-week. Read here on AO3 or continue reading below.)

Aang loved Katara. Plain and simple. Under only the watchful eye of the moon—hope all is well with you, Princess Yue, Sokka is doing just fine—Aang might even be willing to admit he was in love with her. It wasn’t a secret, per se, but to love was to be vulnerable and despite the infinite lives he contained as the Avatar, Aang was still only human.

All the same, Aang had no shame in acknowledging that he liked having Katara’s attention on him, and moreover that he liked reciprocating her attention with his own on her. He liked how they were touchy-feely with each other in a way they were with no one else, liked how they would stay up together to count the stars and talk about anything and nothing, liked how they could make each other smile at even their lowest points.

But ever since Ba Sing Se…

Something had changed.

For better or for worse, Aang wasn’t quite sure. Because now, now it seemed more of Katara’s attention was on him than before. And at first, Aang thought he’d understood why. He’d died, he’d been in a coma for weeks, he’d flirted with death while Katara had been the one keeping constant vigil at his bedside. Though his outward wounds had long since healed into scars, there were lingering aches and pains below the surface that still could make him stumble.

Katara was always there to catch him when he fell.

But that was the—that was the problem, for lack of a better word on Aang’s part. Katara was healing him all but constantly, never letting him out of her sight for more than a few minutes at a time. The only exceptions had been his time at the Fire Nation school and her secret trips to Jang Hui as the Painted Lady. She’d almost burst into tears when he’d gotten the smallest of scratches across his thumb the other day, and that? That was not normal.

Whatever was going on, Aang knew he couldn’t let her face it alone any longer.

One night during their usual stargazing, lying down with their backs against the grass on the flattest ledge in their camp, Aang seized the moment.

“Is there a reason you’ve been so… protective of me lately?” he asked, trying to keep his tone as even as possible. It was like trying to approach a baby deer-cat—he didn’t want to spook her by storming into the subject.

Katara stiffened, and though she didn’t flee, Aang idly wondered if he’d underestimated how painful this conversation might be. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I don’t mean it in a bad way,” Aang tried to reassure her, turning in the grass onto his side so he could face her properly. “You’ve just seemed a little on edge the past few weeks. Talking about whatever’s on your mind might—might help.”

“Doubt that,” Katara muttered bitterly, keeping her eyes averted from Aang’s own as she picked at a blade of grass. The moonlight breaking through the tree branches to their right cast dark shadows across her face, like rivers of ink winding down her cheeks. “I prefer not thinking about it, much less talking.”

Well, at least she’d admitted something was bothering her. Aang counted that as a small victory. But her aggressive resistance did mean he would have to prod a little more to get her to open up.

“I know you’re worried about me,” Aang said after a pause. He sat up, bracing himself with his hands behind him. “I don’t know why, but I know you are.”

Katara sat up and opened her mouth, probably to argue, but Aang pushed forward, not giving her the chance to disagree. To lie, really.

“I can tell because you’ve… you’ve been healing every little scratch I get. Which is kind, but”—he pursed his lips, shaking his head—“I can’t be your priority, Katara. Not all the time. Not over healing Sokka or Toph or yourself, when someone else’s injuries are worse. Okay?”

Katara’s jaw was tight, a clear sign Aang had struck a nerve. Hopefully not one that stung too sharply, bit too deeply, because hurting Katara was the last thing he wanted to do. What he feared more than anything.

Then her shoulders fell, the inky shadows deepening across her face as she sighed and pulled her knees into her chest. “I just—I have to know you’re okay, Aang. That’s all. It’s not a big deal.”

Aang blinked, her words sinking into his heart like a stone into quicksand. “Know I’m okay,” he repeated, “or know I’m alive?”

Aang had only the faintest memories of Ba Sing Se, of waking up for but a few seconds in Katara’s arms as the most radiant, most relieved smile he’d ever seen had graced her lips. The relief hadn’t matched the exhaustion—the terror—in her eyes, though. After that, he’d… disappeared, vanished somewhere into the depths of his own mind for more days than he could count.

Katara chuckled, the sound tinged with a deep-seated weariness. “Maybe a bit of both?”

“Katara—”

She silenced him with an icy look. “Don’t. Don’t use that pitying tone with me, Aang. I know it’s an irrational fear, I don’t need you to tell me that.” Katara huffed, throwing her hands up and shaking her head. “See? This is why. This is why I don’t like thinking about it.”

Aang bit his lip. Tempted as he was to swear up and down that no, he hadn’t meant to strike such a tone, he hadn’t meant to invalidate her concerns, there was a far more important direction their conversation needed to be taken in.

“It’s clearly not irrational if you can’t shake it off,” Aang said after a pause. He hesitated, then placed a careful hand on top of hers, which had returned to resting on the grass. When she made no move to pull away, he continued. “But if you’re really worried… why don’t you explain it to me?”

That offer caught Katara’s attention, and she stared at him with a mixture of shock and confusion permeating her features. Furrowed brow, head tilted at a slight angle. “What?”

Aang shrugged. “Tell me what’s making you so anxious, and then I can confirm whether or not your fear is rational.” He suspected it would be somewhere on the perpetually sliding scale between rational and irrational, as most fears born of traumatic experiences were. He had a few of his own. No shame in admitting that.

Katara hesitated, her gaze flickering over his face from top to bottom, as if searching for any hint of doubt or suspicion or—spirits forbid—pity. But Aang knew she wouldn’t find any, and he was right.

“Okay,” she murmured, averting her eyes from his own to stare at the grass they still sat upon. “Maybe I do need to”—she shook her head—“maybe that would help. A little.”

Katara’s current discomfort was clear to Aang, and he hated seeing her like this. Shaken, weary, broken in more ways than one. But what he hated even more was to see Katara terrified, and terror was the only expression written in her eyes each time she watched him get hurt, no matter how minor the injury. So if she would talk, Aang would listen, and he would do whatever he could to reassure her.

“This war has been going on my entire life,” Katara said after a pause. “So I’m not—I’m not unfamiliar with death”—a low chuckle escaped her lips—“although not for a lack of trying on Sokka’s part.” She heaved a shuddering sigh, picking at a blade of grass with her hand that wasn’t beneath Aang’s. “But warriors died in battle. Babies didn’t always survive birth. I—I saw my own mother’s corpse when I was only eight years old, Aang, so burned up you could barely recognize her—”

Katara snapped her jaw shut as her voice neared a fatal crack, and she blinked back tears.

Before he could lose his nerve, Aang turned Katara’s hand over, the one still beneath his own, and carefully laced their fingers together. I’m here, he tried to say, not knowing how to say it. His touch seemed to do the trick, though, as Katara exhaled a shuddering breath and moved to rest against his side, their shoulders pressed firmly together.

“I was never… never close, though,” she murmured, her voice having regained stability. “Never touched the bodies. Not even my mom’s.”

The note of grief in Katara’s voice rang sharper than a wind chime, and Aang had to fight down the urge to pull her into his arms then and there. He couldn’t. Not yet. Not until she was finished, not until she was ready. So though Aang’s heart ached with an identical loss—You turned your back on the world!—he said nothing, and he let her continue.

“But I… I caught you, Aang.” Katara’s grip tightened around his hand, but Aang didn’t pull away, not even when her nails began digging into the skin just below his knuckles. “When you fell, in Ba Sing Se. After Azula. I caught you, I held you when you were—”

“Gone?” Aang supplied when her voice vanished, and Katara nodded, rubbing her eyes with the back of her free hand.

“Yeah.” She took another slow breath, clearing her throat. “And, you know, people always say that death is—that death is cold. It’s life, energy, stolen from the body. But Aang, you were”—Katara shook her head, eyes brimming with tears that glowed like droplets of liquid silver in the moonlight—“you were so warm, I could almost believe you were sleeping and would wake up in my arms any minute.”

Aang swallowed a lump rising in his own throat. “And I did wake up,” he said gently, once a beat had passed. “Because you saved me, Katara. You brought me back.”

Katara gave him a sorrowful smile. “Don’t you get it, Aang? That’s the problem.” Her free hand clenched into a fist, and she slammed it a single time against her chest—right over her heart. “I had the water from the Spirit Oasis. I had control, that was why I was able to heal you then, that was how I was able to make everything okay. But now?”

Katara’s hand uncurled, falling weakly to her side as she shook her head. Another silver tear traced the edge of a shadow that still haunted her cheek, the drop trickling downward. “Now, I don’t have miracles to rely on for help anymore. The only control I have is me, my own abilities, and Tui and La, Aang, I can’t—I can’t lose you again!”

Her voice broke, and Aang threw all forethought to the wind, releasing Katara’s hand to pull her into a hug fiercer than any they’d ever shared before. He didn’t care how her tears wet his shoulder, he didn’t care how desperately her arms locked around his body, no, all he needed was for Katara to know that he was there.

“I’m so sorry,” Aang finally whispered, pathetic and useless as the three words were.

Katara shook her head, face still buried into his shoulder. “Not your fault.”

For the first time since they’d met in the South Pole, Aang had no idea how to comfort her. It won’t happen again, I’ll always be there for you, you’ll always be there for me, we’ll both make it through this—they were empty promises, cheap vows he had no way to guarantee.

“We’re here now,” Aang murmured, pressing the lightest of kisses to the top of her hair. A new three words, a different but still simple action—something about the combination of gestures must have soothed Katara, as Aang could feel her exhale and her body relax against his own. “We’re here now.”

The present was all they could count on.

#kataang #kataangtag #kataang week #katara #aang #kataangst #atla #avatar the last airbender #atla fanfic #tw: discussion of death #amy writes

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sadviper · 3 years

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Kim Jin Won: Interview with Kankoku TV Drama vol. 97 (Aug 2020)

Director Kim Jin Won

A transformative drama about the birth and founding of the Joseon nation. Spinning a tale of the common people.

Director Kim Jin Won has been recognized for his delicate and heartwarming productions such as "The Innocent Man" (2012 KBS) and "Wonderful Days" (2014 KBS). From the time he first dreamed of directing dramas, he thought of telling stories from the point of view of ordinary people rather than from the viewpoint of the rich and blessed. It was the same for “My Country” (2019 JTBC), which was the director’s first time managing a full-scale historical drama. Although the theme was the founding of Korea, the starring roles were not famous figures such as Yi Seong-gye and Yi Bang-won, but the common folk at the lowest rungs of history. A human drama performed by fresh young stars and historical facts are exquisitely entwined to create a dynamic historical production.

The contrast of Se-jong and Do-hwan as they unveil expectation-shattering performances

--What is the story behind how you became the director for “My Country”?

KJW: Can I speak frankly? To tell you the truth, I don’t really like historical dramas. But when I read the synopsis, it seemed very interesting. It was refreshing to have well-known figures such as Yi Seong-gye and Yi Bang-won play supporting roles in a story about the early days of Joseon. Instead, it pulls the story from the point of view of the commoners. While reading the script, I understood what regular people were thinking during the founding of the nation. That was interesting to me and I agreed to take on the production.

--When talking about the closing years of Goryeo to the early days of Joseon, aren't there essential people or events that have to appear?

KJW: We also thought it would be more interesting for Jeong Mong-ju (🔺1) and Jeong Do-jeon (🔺2) to make appearances, for they are indispensable to this era. The scale of the story would become larger and more dramatic. However, if we did that, it would be too similar to other works, so I abandoned the idea. First, the scriptwriter and I promised to not distort historical facts, and following this guiding principle, we developed the story.

(🔺1) Jeong Mong-ju (鄭夢周): A Confucian scholar and literary vassal who made a name for himself in the late Goryeo period. Yi Seong-gye and Jeong Do-jeon, who aim to establish a new country, oppose him. While planning their assassinations, Mong-ju himself is assassinated by Yi Bang-won's aides.

(🔺2) Jeong Do-jeon (鄭道伝): A politician who exercised his talents as an aide to Yi Seong-gye. He plays a major role in the founding of Joseon and the early national administration. He comes into conflict with Yi Bang-won, who was trying to succeed his father and become the king, and is subsequently killed.

--On the other hand, there are also fictional characters such as Seo Hwi (played by Yang Se-jong), Nam Seon-ho (played by Woo Do-hwan), and Han Hui-jae (played by Seol-hyun <AOA>).

KJW: Yes. Hwi and Hui-jae are characters we created from scratch. We researched how the common people lived during the founding of Joseon and the civil war that is known as the “Strife of the Princes”, and came up with these fictional characters. Nam Jeon, the antagonist and Seon-ho’s father (played by Ahn Nae-sang), was created by mixing together the real historical figures of Jeong Do-jeon and Nam Eun (🔺3). If anything, there are more elements of Nam Eun than Jeong Do-jeon. Nam Eun had several sons, but we made a single motif out of them and created Seon-ho. However, all his rebellious opposition to his father was our invention.

(🔺3) Nam Eun: A politician who was active from late Goryeo to the beginning of the Joseon era. He supports Yi Seong-gye with Jeong Do-jeon and contributes to the founding of Korea. However, Yi Bang-won launches the civil war that is called the "First Strife of Princes" and there Nam Eun loses his life.

--At the drama’s press conference, you told us about your dream casting.

KJW: Previously I produced “Just Between Lovers” (2017 JTBC) and wanted to cast Yang Se-jong as one of the main characters, however, during the preparation stage, that character was removed and I wasn’t able to make him an offer. Ever since, I’ve kept a close watch. Looking at Se-jong, he has a soft image and seems suited for melodramas, but in reality, he’s very manly and even handles his own action scenes. The character Hwi is adept at martial arts and is intelligent, but behind the scenes, he was a difficult character who carried an extraordinary amount of loneliness and heartache. When I met Se-jong, just as he was, I could see Hwi’s painful silhouette, and on the spot, I proposed that we work together.

--And what about Woo Do-hwan?

KJW: A long time ago, I asked my industry peers if there were any actors that were attracting attention recently, and that’s how I learned about Woo Do-hwan. At that time, he was a real newcomer with only two works in his filmography. To tell you the truth, Seon-ho’s casting was nerve-wracking. If the other actor can’t match Se-jong’s presence, then it’s difficult for a story that is spearheaded by dual male leads. After worrying over it, Do-hwan came out as the top contender and I made him an offer.

--How were the two on set?

KJW: They are the same age, but they are completely different types. Se-jong is the type of actor who acts after his emotions boil out of him. His emotions won’t emerge if he isn’t convinced, so he needs time to immerse himself in the role and empathize with the character. Do-hwan is the opposite; he is the type who enters the character instantly. Their styles differ but that difference created a transformative, synergistic effect. Se-jong said that one of his few friends was Do-hwan; they went as far as becoming best friends. They often came to me and talked about how they learned a lot from each other.

--During filming, at what point did you feel their charisma?

KJW: First of all, the scene where Se-jong was dragged off to jail was a performance that truly exceeded my expectations. He struck his head against the wall and was suffering, but his eyes! They were eyes that you can’t take a second time. Afterwards, I saw that his forehead was red and swollen. For Do-hwan, it was when we filmed the scene where his haggard figure was seated after Hwi’s sister, Yeon (played by Cho I-hyeon), experienced a traumatic episode. During rehearsal, tears spilled out of Do-hwan’s eyes. I didn’t expect him to cry; I immediately stopped the rehearsal and switched to filming. I thought that the actors properly captured the emotions; I told them to play those two scenes as they wanted to. Their performances were realistic and absolutely heart-wrenching.

Regrets for the limited romantic kiss scene

-- At what point did you feel Seol-hyun’s appeal and pick her for the role?

KJW: Casting the role of Hui-jae was a bit difficult. The drama was male-centric, and there was no clear romance. Be that as it may, even though the role is to become Hwi and Seon-ho’s emotional support, I thought that it had to be an actor that everyone understood. If it were Seol-hyun, she would give a skillful performance.

-- Seol-hyun’s performance received particularly good reviews.

KJW: I’m the most glad about that. During the middle of the broadcast, we held a press conference and from the very beginning, the reporters paid her many compliments. Without a doubt, her popularity increased with this work. She had a strong desire to do well, and together we discussed it and made it happen. In particular, Seol-hyun’s charms shone especially bright in the scenes with Seo Seol (played by Jang Young-nam), who manages the brothel.

-- There is one more main character: what is the story behind casting Jang Hyuk for the role of Yi Bang-won?

KJW: This casting was also very stressful. This drama was so nerve-wracking that you could say casting took up more than half the effort. In particular, Yi Bang-won is a figure that symbolizes this era, so I want an actor with a powerful presence to play the role. Otherwise, the scale will shrink and Yi Bang Won’s charisma as he faces the main characters will disappear in the second half. If you watch the drama, you’ll know that Yi Bang-won is involved in everything: he is in conflict with Seon-ho; he develops a close rapport with Hwi; and he fights for power with Yi Seong-gye and Nam Jeon. It requires an actor with profound emotions. The first person who came to mind was Jang Hyuk.

-- While filming, when was the moment that you thought ‘as expected’?

KJW: Jang Hyuk can dominate the screen with just the look in his eyes, without having to say a word. Also, he is as erudite as a historian, so I had an easy time as the director. The most memorable scene is the one with his father, Yi Seong-gye (played by Kim Yeong-cheol). In the scene where the two of them argued over the throne, initially I thought they would show a top-down hierarchy between a father and son. However, after rehearsal, Jang Hyuk and Kim Yeong-cheol were able to portray their relationship on equal footing. Man versus man. There was no discussion, it was a spontaneous expression. I could clearly see that Yi Bang-won was facing his father as a man. I thought it was excellent.

-- From the young to the veteran, the appeal of the actors was outstanding, and I enjoyed the male friendships.

KJW: First of all, what’s wonderful about Kim Yeong-cheol and An Nae-sang is that anyone who performs alongside those two ends up looking better. They only have to stand on the side, and it makes the other person look cool. Even Jang Hyuk, who is already strong enough, doubled in appeal when he was with them. After that, Jang Hyuk gave a lot of advice to his juniors. In the drama he was taciturn, but in reality he is quite talkative (laugh). Whenever he thought he didn’t have to be on set, he was always talking to his juniors by the side of the car that was used as the make-up room. Male friendships are good, but it’s just that I wanted to show more romance.

-- You mean Hwi and Hui-jae’s romance?

KJW: Yes. It wasn’t easy to incorporate the romance because the scale of each episode was so large. The only thing I was particular about was when Hwi was first taken to the battlefield--instead of remembering his sister, Yeon, he remembers Hui-jae. When I went to military service and woke up in the morning at the training center, the first thing that came to my mind wasn’t my family but my girlfriend (laugh). In the end, I changed it so that Hwi remembers both Yeon and Hui-jae. This was because Hwi is in a unique situation where he doesn’t know how Yeon is doing.

-- What about Hwi and Hui-jae’s first kiss scene?

KJW: I also have a lot of regrets concerning that scene. It was the first important kiss scene, but it took place in such a crappy little room! Hwi being beaten up, his lumpy face, and the shabby location are what I remember when I think about that scene. The art director and I did our best to film it as beautifully as possible. Otherwise, Hwi and Hui-jae’s feelings won’t be conveyed properly to the audience.

-- The early scene of paper lanterns soaring into the sky was also beautiful.

KJW: I put a lot of effort into that. It was the only happy time I could give Hwi before he heads out for the battle called the Liaodong Conquest. The script only called for flying kites, but I thought it would be unnatural to fly kites from day until night. After worrying about it, I ultimately decided to fly paper lanterns at night. The atmosphere was romantic, which was very nice.

Putting your heart and soul into the battlefield scenes

The trouble with bows and arrows in acting and film

-- You put in a remarkable amount of effort, not just for the romance scenes but also for the war scenes?

KJW: I poured the most effort into this part. There are a total of three battle scenes, but I filmed them all over six days. Of those, I focused the most on the scene for the Liaodong conquest. Hwi is suddenly taken to the battlefield, he’s bewildered and confused as to why he’s there, and he has to survive. I decided to film in one continuous take in order to highlight the figure of Hwi fighting without knowing the situation he’s in, but an entire day was gone just from checking the flow lines of the cameras and actors…It was an enormous challenge for me. It was very difficult.

-- It was also impressive that bow and arrows were used as the main weapons instead of swords.

KJW: When I first spoke to the screenwriter, I wanted to take a different approach from other historical dramas, so I chose bow and arrow. However, that was the start of my troubles. Swords look cool and film well when you swing them around, but you can’t do that with bows and arrows. This time, I realized this while shooting. The actors also had a lot of trouble. Drawing the bow requires considerable power, so when they spoke their lines, their hands would quiver. Luckily they were all skilled at action and did a great job carrying it out.

-- One month after the start of filming, you regretfully asked yourself, “Why did I decide to do a historical drama?” (laugh) Was this because of the battle scene from before?

KJW: No. I didn’t have regrets during that time. It was during the appearance of the children. Two child actors played the queen’s (played by Park Ye-jin) sons. They only appear a few times in the drama, but for the sake of that scene, those two suffered a lot. I’m a father with a child their age, so it was really heart-breaking. When I was an assistant director, I shot a historical drama and I realized that it didn’t suit me, but unfortunately, over time I forgot. Hahaha.

--Seems like you really value the actors. When viewing the making video, the actors are often heard voicing their opinions.

KJW: That’s not always the case (embarrassed laugh). “My County” had many large-scale scenes, so I communicated the way I would with a contemporary drama. In particular, I had all kinds of discussions with the protagonists Se-jong, Do-hwan, and Seol-hyun. Thanks to this, the burden on each other was lightened, and we were able to save time during filming. After listening to the opinions of all the actors, I have an image of the scene before I film. However, for important scenes, I felt that I should capture the emotions the actors are trying to express rather than just capturing beautiful images.

--This is your second drama since transferring to JTBC. What is the story behind your transfer?

KJW: I wanted to continue directing. KBS is also a very good company and I learned many things there. But as any organization gets older, the time comes when you have to move to the next step on the ladder. It goes from director to producer, then from producer to a desk. I transferred because I still had a strong desire to be in the field instead of in a managerial position.

--What are your plans now?

KJW: I don’t have any plans yet, but I’m joking with the staff that my next project will be set in Seoul, so they don’t have to go to the countryside and practically live there (like for “My Country”), hahaha. There is a project that I want to create for myself. A bright and healing work. After I transferred companies, I was told I could do what I want, so the first thing I filmed was the drama “Just Between Lovers”. After that, someday at least once, I want to try making a drama about the story of the Sewol issue. Nothing exciting, but the kind of story that heals the trauma.

#kim jin won #my country the new age #mctna #woo do hwan #yang se jong #seol hyun #nam seon ho #seo hwi #han hui jae #japanese translation #interview #韓国TVドラマ #yi bang won #jang hyuk

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regenlen · 3 years

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For @dmc-oc-week!

It’s here! Normally this is where some sweet art would go, but I can do stick figures at best so you’re going to have to use your imagination.

Instead, have a fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25111381

It's a longfic about Nero and Vergil's search for answers about Nero's mother, Mel, and what became of her. It’s 115+k words of alternating between the present day, where the two of them (with some help) investigate what happened to Mel and why she seemingly disappeared and abandoned Nero, and the past through Vergil’s flashbacks to his time with her.

One part mystery, one part Sparda family drama, one part a study of traumatized men and their emotional constipation, and one part regret simulator: the Vergil edition. If you’ve got time to kill, please do check it out! Below is the prologue to help give a little taste.

One warm day in June, at the apex of the Qliphoth, a fight to the death unfolds between two brothers of blood whose ideals have repeatedly sent them on a collision course with each other. But this fight isn’t destined to end like the others have. It starts out rather similarly, but things take a turn when Dante drops a very, very unexpected bombshell on Vergil. “You cut off your own son’s arm for this?”

Vergil hears the words, but he doesn’t really process them. He just reacts at the opening Dante’s left. He quick-steps and slashes Dante, slicing open a wound in his shoulder before Dante can get his sword up to block. What he does process is Dante’s judgmental, angry tone, and he instinctively balks against it. “My son means nothing to me!” He says the words without actually thinking through the ramifications. (Noticing a pattern here yet?)

He’s met with absolute fury. Dante yells and summons Cerberus. Vergil barely realizes it’s out before it’s hooked his right ankle. He’s yanked forward and has to awkwardly hop to try and steady himself. It leaves him wide open to a slam from Dante’s sword, and he’s sent careening across the arena. It smarts, and Vergil struggles to get going again. But he’s ready when Dante comes charging. Just in the nick of time he dodges his attack and counters with a swipe of Yamato. Dante barely manages to block the blow with his sword, but the force of the attack has him sailing away and colliding against one of the pillars at the edge of the arena.

Vergil falls to a crouch, breathing deeply to try and regain his strength. As his adrenaline subsides and allows him to think clearly again, Dante’s earlier words finally sink in. Did he just say…? He shakes his head in disbelief and looks up at Dante. He can’t believe – but when – what?! “Nero… is my son?”

“Yeah, dumbass,” Dante says. “You can’t remember through that thick skull of yours?”

His son. He has a son. That boy whom he had maimed, who had helped him when he had been at his lowest and had been decent to him, is his flesh and blood. And yes, he can remember through his thick skull, because there’s only one person it could be. Even after the long passage of time and the havoc Mundus’s torture wrought on his mind, he remembers her. The realization releases an onslaught of heartbreak and regret. “Well, well… That was a long time ago.”

Dante laughs a little. “I guess you were young once, too.”

He had been once, yes. Young and ambitious and very, very foolish. It hurts to think about it. He doesn’t want to think about it. He wants to focus on this fight and not on the torrent of emotions swirling in his head. Vergil assumes a battle stance, and Dante begins to do the same.

“As much as I’d love to hear that story,” Dante says, “I think it’s about time we…”

“Ended this,” Vergil finishes, fully assuming his pose. They can’t ignore this fight. They need to settle this, for once and for all. It beats dwelling on things he can’t change.

They bring out their super powered devil forms and hurl themselves at each other in a last bid to conclude their feud. But of course, nothing ever goes the way the brothers expect, because there’s one thing they didn’t count on: Nero.

There’s a flash of light and the deafening sound of something hitting the ground at an alarming speed. The brothers find themselves halted dead in their tracks, held back by the only other person who has a say in this feud of theirs.

When Dante and Vergil just manage to process what’s happening, they’re shoved back and sent skidding across the ground.

“What form of power is this?” Vergil wonders at the spectral arms resting on Nero’s back. But more than that, he’s gobsmacked by how Nero had managed to not only reobtain the power he’d been robbed of, but how he also had become stronger in such a short amount of time.

“What the hell?” Dante groans from across the way.

“This ends, right here.” Nero looks at neither his uncle nor father, but he’s clearly addressing both of them.

Vergil grimaces as he stands up. This is an unexpected development, to say the least. Nero initially had come to this city to kill him. Vergil didn’t think that would change, even after learning the truth. But it seems the boy has another goal in mind. He wants to make sense of it, but his mind still reels at the implication that this young man is his son. Yes, he looks like him and has the same powers, but he still can’t quite believe…

“Listen to me,” Dante seethes as he walks towards Nero. “I told you already, this is not your-”

Nero doesn’t even blink as of those arms lashes out with frightening speed and hits Dante square in the jaw. He goes down like a sack of bricks.

“You listen, dead weight. I won’t let you kill each other. There are other ways of settling your differences.” Nero turns, fist gripped tightly as he slowly approaches Vergil. “I’m putting a stop to this sibling rivalry.”

And for a moment, Vergil isn’t on the Qliphoth, but in a small apartment in Fortuna. And it’s not Nero staring him down, but a young woman with short, curly blonde hair and green eyes. She and Nero hardly look alike, but they share the same determined stare and set of their jaw.

Vergil shoves the memory aside, trying to forget that face and the conflicting emotions it brings with it. He instead forces out a laugh. “Ahh, you came all this way just for that.”

“Vergil… V… whatever you call yourself, Dante’s not going to die here and neither are you. Do you have a problem with that?”

Yes, he did come all this way just to stop them. Vergil thinks it’s a bit foolish; how does he think he’ll go about doing this, exactly?

“‘Not gonna die,’ my ass,” Dante complains as he sits up, rubbing his jaw. “That bitch slap nearly killed me.”

Dante’s words bring Vergil out of his reverie. They also set off that part of his brain that short circuits his sense of logic. Because instead of trying to level with his son like a normal person should, he hyperfixates again on his grudge match with Dante. He nods and swings Yamato into his other hand. “If I beat Nero… then by default, I beat you.” He points Yamato at Nero. “Agreed, Dante?”

“Whatever. I don’t really care. I’m just gonna sit this one out.” Dante falls back onto the ground.

There’s a heavy moment of silence as Nero’s expression hardens, unflinching in the face of Yamato’s blade pointing at him. “When this is over, I’ll make you submit…” Those spectral arms lift up, and the hands crack their knuckles. “Father.”

Father. It pulls at a heartstring Vergil never knew he had, and with it, he realizes just a moment too late that maybe, just maybe this isn’t a good idea. Now faced with actually having to fight his own son, doubt creeps in. Vergil slowly circles back a bit. When Nero swings out his sword, Vergil’s back goes ramrod straight. No, I can’t do this. I shouldn’t have- “Stand down,” he says. “This doesn’t concern you.”

“Nothing to do with me?!” Nero shouts. “It has everything to do with me!”

“Nero…”

FUCK YOU!” Nero flips him off and transforms into his devil state.

Vergil now has no choice but to fight. But as Nero charges at him, sword swung out, an amused thought crosses his mind: …you are, without a doubt, your mother’s son.

#dmcocweek #fic #devil may cry #devil may cry 5 #vergil #dante #nero

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loving-all-for-loki · 3 years

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Voiceless Love Chapter 4: Little One

Loki x reader, Bucky x reader

Word count: 2061

Warnings: fluff, talk of family loss, depression (alludes to suicidal thoughts), mention of a boner, angst

Tag List: @caffeineoverloadandstudying @zizzlekwum @lokiyoulittle @magicalpieex @daddysfavoritesexkitten @buckylokisimp

A/N: Okay Loki lovers, this is a dozy. We’re gonna delve more into Y/N and Loki’s relationship and look at her background a little. There’s a little spice at the end then it ends with some angst so I’m sorry. Trigger warning, there is depression mentioned and there are a few sentences that could be taken as suicidal tendencies or attempts so a little warning there.

You find yourself sitting at the kitchen island one day and eating your cereal still contemplating how you got to bed the night before. Bits and pieces from the night before come back. You remember making Loki a sandwich and him reading a book to you, but after that everything goes blank. Loki comes into the kitchen and smiles as he sits next to you.

“Hello, little one.”

You smile up at him, looking at his shiny beautiful green eyes.

“Did you sleep well?”

You take out your pen and write yes on his forearm. He chuckles at the way you always have that pen on you.

“You really carry that around everywhere?”

Yes, I’m not scared of communicating, just talking

Loki nods his head in understandment, “can I ask why you don’t speak?”

You contemplate answering for a moment, not knowing whether you should answer that question or not.

“I’m sorry I shouldn't-”

You grab his arm and start writing all the way up to his bicep.

I’ve lost a lot of people in my life by twisting my words and changing them, so I figured if I were to write everything or make solid proof of my words, no one could change them.

Loki reads what you wrote then stares at you with a melancholy look. You hate being pitied, especially when you know the person is stuck up or prideful. Loki seems like one of those people who carries themselves on a higher pedestal than the rest. The looks he gives you makes you comfortable, urging you to repress into a small ball and close yourself off to him.

“I’m sorry,” he says. Loki reaches his hand out to cover yours in comfort, but it only heightens your anxiety. You move your hand and lean away from him, which makes Loki feel bad. He doesn’t know how to act with you, one second you’re very sweet then you avoid him like the plague. That’s why he started to leave the room when you entered, he thought you’d hate him.

Don’t worry about it

You finish your bowl of cereal and set it in the sink before getting up and leaving. Loki follows you up to the library where you start reading a book and he continues his own. He keeps staring at you, this lonely girl who has more pain than he realized.

“Why are you here?”

You look up and over to him on his chair. His eyebrows are furrowed in confusion, waiting to know everything about you, including why he is so drawn to you. Getting up and setting your book down (with slight annoyance), you sit back down near him like the first time you two interacted. He reaches his arm out to you to use.

I’m an avenger.

“Well, clearly, but how?”

About two years ago, my parents and I got in a bad car accident. They both passed away and I survived, horribly injured and stuck in a hospital. I was in a horrible state to the point where I should have been dead, but somehow I was alive. That’s when we found out it was a targeted hit and why I wasn’t killed. My parents were the targets. S.H.I.E.L.D agents came to me and told me that they were involved and going to help me. A day or two later, a scientist came and talked to me about healing options and there was a “potion” of some sort they had been working on to completely heal any wounds. They said the risk of me dying from taking it was about 50/50 and I didn’t have much to live for. Without my parents, I was lost and depressed, so I agreed to take whatever liquid they had. It healed me, but it had side effects. I would trip and scuff up my leg, but I’d find the bruises and legs to completely go away in seconds. Turns out it had lingered somewhere in my bloodstream and not my injuries that it flowed through me, healing any wound. Then throughout time, I found out it gave me the power to heal others as well.

You run out of room on Loki’s forearm and switch over to his right side, making him chuckle.

It started with me accidently touching my friends' cuts and them completely healing. After SHIELD came by my house one day to check on me, I told them what had been going on and they took me to some lab or theirs. I was tested on for a little bit and they decided I would be a good asset to them as a healer for missions. Not having a plan for my life, I agreed to join and come help.

“You have no fighting background or any defense?”

Not at all. I’m just a personal nurse/antidote.

“What about your parents? Did they ever find out what happened?”

Hydra attack. Apparently, my parents were SHIELD agents back in the day and worked on a post-Captain America frozen case and Hydra wanted to cover up and hide Bucky. My parents found out about him.

“Your parents found out Bucky was alive a year before the Avengers did?”

Yes.

Loki nods his head, wrapping his brain around everything you just told him. No wonder you were so close with Bucky. You probably relate to him with how bad Hydra ruined your life.

“Does Bucky know about this?”

No. No one does except for you and Fury. He was told everything of course, but in my file he only put my powers and selective mute in ‘important information’. He knows how private I can be about things so he didn’t want to inform everyone on it if I didn’t want them to know.

“Why are you telling me this?”

Because I trust you

“No one trusts me.”

I do.

“Why?”

Because I know who you are. I know what happened with New York and it’s not your fault. I know what it feels like to be at the lowest point and want to do anything to feel something or get attention. I know you’re not a bad man, just a hurt one.

“I underestimated you, little one.”

You smile at each other, knowing you have a deeper bond than before. Loki chuckles at your shy little face, now knowing how much strength and depth you carry. You are much more than just a healer girl.

“I’m sorry about your parents.”

It’s okay. I’ve gotten over it.

“I remember when I lost my mom. It was my fault. I’ll never forgive myself for it.” Loki looks down to see you staring with big doe eyes. He smiles at you, the features on his face softening. “You make me feel better, though.”

I’m glad I can help.

“Were you mute before your parents died?”

No, it was the Hydra agents that twisted my words. Trying to get me to agree to things or say things about my parents. I stopped speaking.

“Hydra agents ma-”

They were the ones with the potion, not SHIELD. They’re trying to find what Hydra used on me and they took me in to protect me, but Hydra would come every day and aim a gun at my head. Asking me questions and threatening me.

“I’m so sorry. That must have been traumatic.”

That is why I don’t speak anymore, saves me from trouble.

“I don’t blame you. You’re very strong, little one.”

You and Loki share a smile, but the awkward silence fills the air. Loki wants nothing more than to hug and hold her, protect her from all the evil things in the world, but you’re timid. He doesn’t want to scare you again.

“I’ll leave you to your book,” he says, “thank you, for telling me everything.”

Thank you for listening.

You smile and nod before heading back to your seat and finishing Wuthering Heights. Loki’s eyes never leave you, though.

Another day or two goes on and you and Loki are closer than before. His whole body is covered in your writings and smears from when he washed off parts for you to write again. He doesn’t ever want to wash it all off, knowing your words are precious and important. You notice the way he rereads what you wrote when he’s sitting or eating. There’s something about his fascination with you that makes you feel important and loved. You’ve caught him a couple times smiling as he reads, byt quickly becoming stoic again when he realises you’re looking.

You’re baking a bunch of cookies for when the team comes home. The mission should be over in about a day and you wanted to surprise them. Loki comes walking in to see you covered in flour and munching on some spare dough that was too little to make a cookie. He chuckles at the sight of you and comes up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist.

“What in the good heavens are you doing?”

You turn around and chuckle silently, pointing to the over. Loki slightly opens it and sees the pan of cookies baking.

“I didn’t know you baked.”

You grab your pen off the counter and write on his shoulder.

I love baking, music, and sewing.

“You learn something new every day,” he chuckles, “Can I help?”

I’d love that! I need these things mixed, you write as you point to the recipe, think you can do that?

“I think I can manage to mix some ingredients, little one.”

A couple minutes go by as the two of you mix and measure ingredients. You can’t help but watch the way Loki’s strong hands mix everything at a vigorous speed. You peel your eyes away, trying to not get caught and embarrass yourself.

What you don’t realize is the way Loki steals glances at you when you’re not looking. He loves the way your hair dances as you move around, the way you climb onto the counter to reach the highest shelves. You’re so focused while baking with your eyebrows furrowed and fingers skimming the bowls. He’s never seen a creature more adorable and divine. Then Loki notices the flour on your cheek and laughs, getting your attention.

“You have a little something on your face.”

Reaching out, he brushes the flour off of your forehead. The heat coming from your body is intimidating, calling him to get closer to you to warm up, but he denies himself. He brushes his hand against a towel to get rid of the flour before turning to you, who blows a little flour on him, covering his clothes in the white dust.

“Oh, you little-”

You start running around the island as Loki chases you. He laughs as you try to evade him, but he slips his arm around your bicep, pulling him into you. You fall on top of him, his body breaking the blow to your head.

Lifting yourself up, you look down to see Loki under you, his arms still around your waist. His eyes go big as soon as he realizes you’re straddling him in the worst place possible. He prays to Odin that you don’t feel his boner as you lay on top of him. You blush as you two stare at one another in the tight embrace

“I uh-” Loki stutters as his eyes flicker to your lips, trying to focus on anything but the heat of your body on his.

All of a sudden, there’s a horrible sound coming from outside the tower. It pierces your ears, forcing you to cover them and drop on top of Loki fully. He pulls one arm around your whole body and cradles your head in his other.

“What is that sound?” he winces. Loki looks over to see the Quinjet landing and Sam Wilson running out of it.

Sam’s eyes go wide at the sight of you and Loki embracing on the floor. He notices the writing all over Loki’s arms and legs and the way he smiles as he looks up at you. He shakes it off as he goes in seeing that he has bigger problems at hand. “Y/N!” He shouts.

You look up to see Sam in a hurried scared face.

“We need you! Bucky got hurt and may not live! We need you to save him!”

#loki fanfic #loki fan fiction #loki x reader #loki laufeyson #loki #loki x reader fluff #bucky fluff #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader fluff #bucky fic #bucky fanfic #buckyfanfiction #voicelesslove #lovingallforloki

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megumis-eyelashes · 3 years

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(Spoiler if you haven't read the novel)

While the last scene of ep 8 was the most emotional and it underlined Hua Cheng's devotion to Xie Lian (with his intention of protecting him even if it means sacrificing himself), I was just reflecting on the shame and self loathing that Hua Cheng feels every time he touches Xie Lian.

It is something we obviously saw in the previous eps, but in this specific scene when he applies the herb to cure Xie Lian, we see him interpret Xie Lian's flinching as disgust for his touch. In the novel it is shown how Hua Cheng retracts a little after this moment and almost avoids looking or talking to Xie Lian. I feel like this aspect is less evident in the donghua, ( I think because of the limited time they have) since they proceed with the story.

After reading the novel, we know of the difficult childhood Hua Cheng had, a childhood where love and affection were completely missing and the idea of seeing himself as disgusting is forced on him at such tender age.

So, it is clearly understandable that in this early stage of his interactions with Xie Lian, he feels this way. But reading the novel, we see that even after experiencing physical contact with Xie Lian, he still feels this self loathing.

The numerous times he directly or indirectly describes himself as ugly, show how, even after becoming one of the most powerful being of all three realms, when confronted with affection and relationships with others, he maintains this conception of himself based on his traumatic childhood experiences.

So, to me, the most tragic and painful scene involving Hua Cheng, despite all the horrible things he goes through, is the end of book 3 and the confession scene, because even after everything him and Xie Lian went through, he still feels unworthy of his love, he is ashamed of his love since he considers it as a stain to Xie Lian's perfection.

TGCF is the story of Xie Lian's hardships, but I really hope that at least in the donghua, we are going to get a focus on Hua Cheng and his backstory, because I have read so many times that he is a plain character that exists only in relation to Xie Lian.

I obviously think that it is a superficial statement that doesn't take into account the extraordinary development that he has, both in his social position ( going from the lowest to becoming the Ghost King) and as a human being, since he his capable of transforming his hardships into the fuel of his rebirth.

#tian guan ci fu #tgcf #tgcf donghua #hua cheng #tgcf spoilers #well this was long #I just thing hua cheng is an amazing character

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notcapableofbeingtheguy · 4 years

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HANK’S TRANSFORMATION AS REACTION TO TRAUMA— DECENTER THE SELF

“I think the universe is trying to tell me something and I’m finally ready to listen.”— 3x07, One Minute

(Main Post)

To understand how Hank’s trauma transforms him over the course of the show, let’s start by thinking about what Hank is like at the beginning of the show.

At the beginning of the show, Hank is the picture of toxic masculine arrogance. In the Pilot, Walt envies Hank for his power and confidence. Hank is cool, successful, manly, and everything Walt feels he is not. But we as the audience see how Hank’s ego is hurtful to those around him: he is callous, racist, misogynistic, and focuses more on the power involved in his job (the ~thrill of the bust~) than his potential to do good. What we don’t yet see, initially, though— and what it takes a great deal of trauma to reveal to Hank— is how his masculine arrogance, his obsession with himself, is also hurtful to himself.

Over the course of the first 2 and a half seasons, Hank experiences several traumatic incidents of witnessing and inflicting violent injury and death. First, Hank kills Tuco in a shoot out. Then he witnesses the tortoise explosion in El Paso. And he reacts to this trauma by engaging in increasingly reckless violent behavior— starting with bar fights, and ending with his brutal beating of Jesse.

Why does Hank react in this way? I believe it’s because, up until his beating of Jesse, Hank’s ego prevents him from properly coping with his PTSD. Hank is shaken by the violent incidents he is involved with in the field— exhibiting clear symptoms of PTSD. He has panic attacks and insomnia and startles at loud noises. Hank interprets all this as his mind and body failing him, failing to live up to his idea of a proper man and a proper cop. To accept that he has PTSD, that he has reacted to these situations emotionally, rather than brushing these violent instances off like a Real ManTM, would be to totally shatter his image of himself. So, he doesn’t accept this. When Walt suggests Hank talk to a therapist upon returning from El Paso, Hank immediately rejects the idea, saying “[if you] start going down that road, [you can] kiss your career goodbye” (2x 08, Better Call Saul). He has so built himself up in his own mind, that he believes if he admits any weakness, he will lose everything— his job, the respect of his wife and friends, himself. He won’t confront his trauma, and he won’t confront his reaction to it, and he certainly won’t confront how his natural reaction to the trauma makes him feel (frustrated, humiliated).

So he turns the anger and frustration he has with himself and his failing mind and body outwards. He is violent and reckless. In episode 3x03, I.F.T, Hank has a panic attack in a bar bathroom, from thinking about the possibility of being sent back to El Paso. And then he proceeds to pick a fight with two other patrons, under the guise of DEA business, but clearly actually because he needs to outlet his rage and panic. And Hank’s reaction is even worse when he believes Marie has been hurt (after Saul places the false call in Sunset). He is first thrown into a panic, and then into an uncontrollable rage— leading him to brutally beat Jesse. But this turns out to be the turning point for Hank, the moment when he truly, authentically changes in response to his trauma.

Let’s focus in on the brief moment in between Hank’s beating of Jesse, and his grueling near death experience with The Twins. The crucible moment when Hank’s transformation as I have described it— his decentering of the self— begins. This moment is actually one episode, and it’s one of my favorites: 3x07, One Minute. In beating Jesse as he did— blatantly outside of the boundaries of his job, Hank realizes he has gone too far. This violence touches his personal life— he fears for Marie’s life, and reacts by beating a civilian as a civilian— and so it is harder to make excuses for it as just another part of being in the DEA. Hank knows what he did was wrong. And this is (forgive the metaphor) the Jenga piece that makes the whole pile topple. He finally admits to himself (and to Marie) that “ever since that Salamanca thing” he’s been “unraveling.” He admits that his shooting of Tuco and the El Paso incident are the reasons for his violent and wrong behavior— that they have damaged him. He finally admits that he has been traumatized, and he has reacted to it poorly.

And after admitting this, Hank does something incredible. Something unprecedented in terms of who we have seen him to be previously in the show. He admits fault, he takes responsibility, and he quits the DEA. We see Hank truly and honestly humbled— he admits to both his weaknesses and his wrongdoings, with an unparalleled level of grace and self-awareness. He starts to become a better, more honest, more responsible, less arrogant person. He even weeps openly in front of Marie. This episode is Hank’s high point of the series, in terms of integrity and strength of character.

But then, oh then, there is fresh trauma for Hank.

Hank’s violent injury at the hands of The Twins, and his grueling recovery, hammer home even harder the fears and insecurities Hank had when his trauma was just emotional. Hank’s injury brings him to his lowest point— he is bed-bound, unemployed, and needs his wife’s help to take a shit. Everything Hank was feeling before— about the failure of his mind and body to live up to his masculine ideals— comes back with a vengeance.

And this does continue to humble Hank in the positive sense I described above. I believe that the incredible detective work that Hank is able to do in seasons 4 and 5 is enabled by this increased humility. I think it’s very apt when Hank says, in One Minute, “the universe is trying to tell me something and I’m finally ready to listen.” Hank’s strokes of investigative genius — first those that lead him to Gus Fring, and then the pivotal revelation that Walt is Heisenberg— could well be described as him simply listening to the universe, in a way he wasn’t ready to before. Gus had primed the DEA to never suspect him with his cop-loving act, but Hank was able to get outside of that bias and make that mental leap when all the other officers refused to believe it. He listened to what the evidence told him. And, though you could argue that Hank finding Gale’s book in Walt’s bathroom was purely random, I think Hank’s willingness to even consider Walt as a potential Heisenberg (let alone to extrapolate that possibility from a set of initials and a visually identified handwriting match on a random book) shows significant growth. There are countless moments before that in the series of incredible dramatic irony, where the idea of Walt as a drug dealer would occur to Hank, and he would immediately dismiss them as ludicrous. Because, of course, if Walt were a criminal, Hank would have to be an idiot to have been fooled by him for so long. There was a barrier of ego that was keeping Hank from considering that possibility. And only when it was removed, was Hank ready to listen to what the universe revealed to him.

But, the effects of Hank’s injury on him are not all positive.

Hank is brought SO low, and is SO humbled by his injury, that it moves to the point of humiliation. And he reacts to this by turning his attention away from himself and towards his fanatic obsessions. He decenters himself, by centering his whole life on something else. First there are, of course, his minerals. Then, he becomes obsessed with taking down Gus Fring. Then, finally, he becomes obsessed with taking down Walt.

This fanaticism is bad for Hank. His fanatic obsession with minerals almost destroys his marriage. His legally dubious pursuit of Gus Fring threatens his fragile career (and, unbenknownst to him, puts him on Gus’s hit list). And his fanatic pursuit of Walt eventually leads to his death. This fanaticism goes so wrong for Hank because, I would argue, fanatic external obsession ignores the self, where true humility accepts the self in all its flaws. Think back to Hank’s humble behavior following his beating of Jesse. Hank actually thought a lot about himself— he analyzed the patterns of behavior he’d had since his encounter with Tuco, admitted to his weaknesses, and took responsibility for his actions. He deflated his ego by taking a look at himself honestly, rather than by refusing to look at himself at all. But, after his injury, this is just what Hank does— refuses to examine himself, instead spending all his energy on something else. And that turns out to be Hank’s fatal flaw.

If Hank had examined himself instead of buying so many minerals, he would have seen he was ashamed of his physical disability and was taking that anger out on his wife. And he could have rectified that much sooner. If Hank had examined himself instead of relentlessly investigating Gus Fring, he would have seen that he was going back to the same type of crooked police work that he previously realized he was doing and quit the force because of. And he could have conducted his investigation more safely and ethically. If Hank had examined himself instead of fanatically pursuing Walt, he would have seen that he was furious with himself for failing to see Walt was Heisenberg sooner, and felt a need to redeem himself. And then maybe he would have been humble enough to ask for help from other DEA agents instead of going it on his own. And maybe, he would have survived.

Ironically, Hank’s attempts to think less about himself and his problems, actually ended up letting those problems rule his life.

Hank’s story is, in the end, a tragedy. We see the kind of positive growth Hank is capable of. His reaction to his trauma— the way he uses it to become a better person, husband, and detective— is often inspiring. By season 5, because of this growth, Hank arguably becomes the hero of the show. But, painfully, he isn’t able to grow quite enough. His ego remains involved in his detective work— though this time in the opposite direction (he frantically tries to ignore himself, rather than inflating himself, but this ends up involving him too much in his work nonetheless). And this, among the various sins of other characters, leads to Hank’s death. Which is so painful to see, because we know what Hank was capable of in terms of self-reflection, growth, and integrity. We know what he fell short of.

#breaking bad #brba #hank schrader #hank #brba analysis #brba meta #trauma post series #y’all...#i fuckin love hank schrader #im so sad he’s dead #rewatching One Minute repeatedly to write this post CHANGED ME #hope y’all are enjoying my dissertation

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cogentranting · 3 years

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Arrow 1x05 Rewatch

. Oliver’s little smirk when Lance is interrogating him. I live for it.

“You can speak to Mr. Queen’s attorney when he gets here.” He? Where’s Jean Loring?

“He also thinks I dress up in a mask and a green hood and shoot people. With arrows.” The audacity of Oliver.

“she knows me better than anyone. She knows I could never be this guy.” OLIVER. I mean. Again. the audacity. Especially because he reveals later that he planned this. That he WANTED to get arrested. And he just has this whole plan revolving around this front of “Laurel knows me so well. She’s the only one who really knows me and she knows I’m not a killer.” When really the crux of the plan is how much Laurel does NOT know him and he plans on exploiting that. Amazing.

“He raised her to do the right thing and that includes representing an innocent man.” Okay. So. My indiscriminate glee with the irony and Oliver’s attitude aside. This whole set up is really interesting. It reminds me actually of the moment in the season 5 flashbacks when he goes to see Galina (Taiana’s mother) and lies to her and manipulates her with this nice persona which is actually at that point more a mask than his Kapiushon identity. And that scene has always been really interesting to me because it’s Oliver pretending to be a good man at a time when he’s not, and while he lies a lot and puts on masks throughout the series, that particular aspect of it is fairly unique because it comes at what is basically Oliver’s lowest point (morally). And this episode (1x05) is similar in it bringing out this very manipulative side of Oliver that we don’t see in this way all that often (and remember that moment in 5x17 and this moment in 1x05, are actually very close together chronologically. Somewhere between 2 and 7 months apart.) The idea that Oliver, knowing full well that he is attacking and killing people, gets Laurel involved on the basis of this very emotionally laden appeal, citing their history and the connection they had, especially considering the role that Laurel believing oliver to be more moral than he really was played in Oliver cheating on her, and using not only her perception of him, but the way that him reaching out to her would be perceived... it’s cunning, and it’s effective, and it’s kinda messed up.

But like.... legally... can Laurel represent her ex-boyfriend who her father arrested?

It’s ALL so calculated to manipulate how people perceive him. Appearing in court without a lawyer until Laurel agrees to do it. Protesting the tracking anklet. Throwing the party. His response to the plea deal.

Speaking of calculated. Oliver knows what that blue sweater is doing to make his eyes pop. He knows.

But Malcolm and Walter acting like they have no idea why Quentin would have a grudge against Oliver. LIke come one guys. You know.

I just. I love the polygraph scene. For so many reasons.

In the same vein about Oliver manipulating people’s perception of him in this episode, what makes this episode great are the places where it’s unclear even to the audience how much of Oliver’s reactions are genuine and how much is purposefully done to affect how Laurel and Quentin see him. Even in the polygraph scene-- did he get pushed into revealing that he was tortured on the island? Or did he see a way around that answer and reveal it anyway to gain sympathy? Did he actually get hung up on his guilt over Sara’s death (which is of course very real) or did he use that guilt as a way of covering up the answer to “have you ever killed anyone” because he knew he couldn’t beat the polygraph on that one? Did reliving his torture and Sara’s death actually overwhelm him to the point that he had to run out, or was he able to keep those reactions in check but put on the act to convince them? The same idea is present in the scene later in the episode where he shows Laurel his scars and talks about how damaged he is. And we know that there is intentional manipulation going on because Diggle and Oliver’s conversation at the very end-- “So you lied. Or maybe you just gave her a version of the truth.” “I told her what she needed to hear.”-- and we know that there is truth (Oliver IS damaged, he IS guilt-ridden over Sara’s death, he IS traumatized by the torture he suffered) but we don’t know exactly where the line is between the two.

I also think that Laurel and Quentin’s different reactions are interesting. When Oliver says that he was tortured, Laurel’s mouth is literally hanging open, she’s so shocked. But Quentin doesn’t react. Unlike Laurel he already knew about the scars so part of it is probably just that he put together that either Oliver was tortured in some capacity or he was horrifically cutting himself. But even if he had forewarning of it, just the idea that at this point he is so broken and angry over Sara’s death that he can look at someone who, even if he never really liked, he’s probably known since Oliver was in jr high. To hear this kid you watched grow up say he was tortured and not even react...

Love how little effort everyone at this party put into the theme

“If you think this is what prison’s like you are in for a rude awakening.” So i think this is mainly a joke because clearly Oliver doesn’t think prison is like his little rave thing. But. I do think that even though Diggle has some sense of what Oliver’s been through, because he still thinks Oliver spent those entire 5 years on the Island, Diggle thinks that Oliver doesn’t have a great sense of the real world. Just the world of the fabulously wealthy and the world of deserted islands. While in reality Oliver actually has spent time in some very different walks of life between Russia and Hong Kong and Hub City.

“I just don’t like being played. Now you might have gotten used to lying to everyone else in your life but I’m the one guy you don’t lie to.” And here we are with that manipulation motif again. Oliver who at this moment actually has no reason to lie to Diggle, can’t trust enough to actually just present his plan to Diggle. He has to pull strings and manipulate to get him to go along with it. At this point trust is so hard for Oliver that it’s easier to just have a different mask for everybody.

“I can’t remember the last time that I was in this room.” “I can. Halloween 2005.” But that’s 2 years before the Gambit sinking. Why was Laurel not in this room for 2 years prior to that? she was dating Oliver? this is presumably his room? and if it’s NOT his room then its... just a random one? And why would she even comment on it?

“There were times that I wanted to die. In the end there was something I wanted more.” The clear implication that Oliver is making is that Laurel was sort of his inspiration to keep going throughout his five years. And I’m not so against the Laurel Oliver ship that I’d deny that that is a factor of Oliver’s motivation during his time there. Particularly during the seasons 1 and 2 flashbacks, and at the very end of season 5 (which, if we understand the story chronologically, is probably the specific moment that Oliver is referring to here-- when he was drugged and in pain and had a gun to his own head and hallucinated Laurel convincing him not to kill himself. Which was only like 2 months prior to this conversation). But Laurel and getting back to her is really only referenced a handful of times throughout the flashbacks. That’s probably in part due to the series moving away from her as the main love interest/female lead. But I think its also a disservice to Oliver as a character to reduced his motivation down to that. Oliver is much more driven by 1. a general will to survive (something that is a dominant trait of his but also often in conflict with his suicidal ideation) 2. a concept in his mind of owing his life to others-- he feels he has to fix his father’s wrongs, he has to protect his mother and sister, he has to come make amends to Laurel etc.-- what he owes to others takes utmost priority (and that’s why often his suicidal thoughts come in this form and also have to be combatted in this form-- he thinks he should die because others would be better off without him, vs he should live because they love/need him) 3. a need to atone for his own sins. Interestingly, I think that even when Laurel is serving as Oliver’s motivation, it’s not as much his love for her driving him as a need to make things right with her (in the flashbacks. In the present in season 1 and somewhat season 2, his love for her is more dominant, and often in conflict with his desire to set things right which is why, especially early on, you get weird back and forth between pushing her away and trying to get close to her).

“Impressive. you have resolve I didn’t credit you for.” Oliver’s iron will is such a central part of his character and contrary to what a lot of people believe, its not something forged into him on the island. It’s something he starts with. And I wonder what that looked like in his youth? Probably a lot more like season 1 Thea (who has that same iron will).

This arms dealer looks like a discount Vince Vaughn.

It hurts my heart to see Quentin and Oliver at odds like this.

“But if any member of my family so much as gets a papercut... I will burn your entire world to ashes.” I love the Queen family so much.

Oliver: “Good heart to heart Diggle. I’m gonna go kill someone now.”

#arrow #arrow rewatch 21 #arrow 1x05 #cogent metas #cogent liveblogs #cw: suicide #oliver queen #this is one of my favorite episodes and it was fun picking up on some aspects I hadn't thought about before. so maybe this one got kinda lon #*long

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ejzah · 3 years

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A/N: This idea was originally suggested by @mashmaiden and is the next in a series about Deeks at FLETC, but deviates from canon. I put took me a very long time to figure out and I’m still not sure if I am fully happy with it.

In a previous fic, an instructor had asked Deeks to speak on his experience when he was tortured by Sidorov. Since this deals with some events from Descent/Ascension, there is mention of violence, trauma, and PTSD symptoms.

***

A Matter of Experience

Deeks let out a very long breath as he waited for other students to arrive. After a lot of consideration, he had decided to grant Flores’ “offer”. He still absolutely hated the idea, but he knew he was technically doing Flores a favor. Plus, Flores wasn’t wrong. Most of the current candidates had never experienced anything as traumatic as he had.

He hoped they never would.

The night before he’d spent a couple hours going over a rough draft of his presentation. Deeks had also covered some ground rules with Flores. Although he had no control over what questions his classmates would ask, he reserved the right to refuse to answer.

Pulling in another long breath, he closed his eye and rolled his neck a couple of times.

“You ok, Deeks?” Flores asked, actually looking concerned. He had an odd mixture of ruthlessness and deep understanding which didn’t necessarily work well together.

“Yeah, fine. I’m good.” He felt vaguely queasy and restless, but he wasn’t about to tell Flores that. “We never discussed what I should do if no one has questions,” he added. “Do you have a back up lecture?”

“Oh believe me, there’s always questions with this case. We’ll be lucky if we get out on time.” He seemed to realize that he sounded a little insensitive. “Based on what I’ve heard about you, you can handle this Deeks. But if you changed your mind, I won’t judge you.”

That strange feeling of embarrassment returned, but he didn’t have time to evaluate it or respond to Flores as other students started trickling in.

Deeks had purposely chosen a chair to the side and a few rows in where he wouldn’t be too obvious, but could get up without too much trouble. Flores gave them a couple minutes to settle and then walked to the front of the room.

“Good Morning, everyone. I hope you’re all managing your classes alright,” he said. “For today’s class we will be focusing on case study 9.”

He paused as the majority of the class flipped to the appropriate page. Deeks’ pulse pounded faintly in his ears and he swallowed twice, closing his eyes briefly. Even if the details weren’t burned into his memory, he’d reviewed the case, just to be sure he wasn’t caught off guard.

It was surprisingly straightforward, not overly gratuitous and Flores reviewed the details with surprising speed. There was no getting past the pictures though. They were graphic, nauseating. He knew the exact moment everyone saw them and heard someone behind him whisper his name.

When Flores ended the lecture, which was over much faster than Deeks would have liked, he nodded to Deeks and added,

“Now some of you may know that one of your colleagues was involved in this case and he was kind enough to agree to share his experiences with us.” Deeks stood up, joining Flores at the front of the room. “Please welcome Marty Deeks, former LAPD Detective.” Flores gave him what he guessed was supposed to be a supportive pat on the arm and then sat down a few feet away.

It was clear that many of the candidates hadn’t made the connection between him and the battered guy in their text book, but as he glanced around, realized that maybe half the class were watching him with the same strange reverence Omar, Jake, and Charlie had when they first met.

Clearing his throat, he pulled in yet another shallow breath and glanced down at the small stack of notecards in his hand, then stuffed them in his pocket.

“As, uh, Instructor Flores said, I’m Marty Deeks,” he started, pausing to clear his throat again. “But most people just call me Deeks. If any of you have spent more than a few minutes around me, you’ve probably figured out that I have a terrible habit of talking too much.”

A couple people chuckled, but most stayed silent, some looking curious, others intrigued, and a few, mainly Alan, outright suspicious. He’d expected some skepticism since, as usual, he didn’t fit into the mold they expected.

“Like it says in that case study, Agent Hanna and I were captured and held by a Russian arms dealer. They took turns torturing us-“ He swallowed harshly, holding back the shiver that crept up his spine and continued. “to gain information about a colleague who was undercover.

“They had us in separate rooms, but I could still see what they were doing to Agent Hanna. I couldn’t do anything though because I was bound to a chair. I could only watch as they electrocuted him and wait to see what else they had planned for me.”

Before he could continued, Alan raised his hand, his gaze almost defiant and angry as he waited for him to respond.

“Did you have a question?” Deeks asked mildly.

“What was it like?” he said, watching Deeks eagerly, and maybe with a touch of disbelief in his voice as he eyed him. “The case study mentioned that you experienced dental trauma, but it didn’t really go into detail.”

Flores started to intercede from behind him, but Deeks held up a hand, holding him back. If Alan wanted details, he could give him details. He’d avoided the guy as much as possible and put his arrogance and aggressiveness down to immaturity, but now Deeks was truly annoyed.

“No it’s ok.” He smiled tightly at Alan. “One guy shoved this metal device in my mouth so I couldn’t close it. Then Sidorov got out a drill and demanded to know the truth. The whole time I was lying my ass off, trying to keep it together even though I knew he was going to stick that thing in my mouth.”

His breath hitched a little as he felt the phantom pain of the drill bit obliterating his teeth. Someone swore under their breath and Deeks felt perverse satisfaction when Alan squirmed uncomfortably.

Forcing the memories back, he took a couple of slow breaths and then added,

“I ended up with multiple broken teeth, damage to my mandible, and shredded gums-so yeah, dental trauma as they so nicely put it.” Maybe that was going a step too far, but it seemed pointless and Flores had wanted them to know what it was really like. “It took years for me to stop flinching when I heard a drill or to make it through getting my teeth cleaned without almost knocking the hygienist’s lights out. To this day, it’s probably the single most horrific thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Everyone’s eyes were on him, the anticipation and tension almost tangible. A woman-he thought her name was possibly Maria-raised her hand and Deeks nodded for her to speak. Unlike some of her peers, she wasn’t staring at him like he was a particularly interesting soap opera.

“You said it took you years to get over the trauma,” she started a little hesitantly. “Exactly how long did it take?”

“I wish I could tell you that there’s a point when it no longer affects you, but it never really happens,” Deeks said with a gentle smile, sorry he couldn’t give her the answer she so clearly wanted. He saw her face fall and he realized just how young she was and probably pretty horrified at this point. “The memories and dreams and all the other symptoms can lessen over time. They never go away though. That trauma, those scars, they are with you forever.”

“So you’re saying there’s nothing we can do about it?” Another student asked, sounding annoyed and maybe a little scared. “If something like this happens to us, we just live with the trauma for the rest of our lives.”

Deeks shook his head.

“No, there’s a lot you can do. Go to therapy, let the people you love help you, and whatever you do, don’t isolate yourself.” A memory of eating bad takeout with Kensi when he was at his lowest point and added, “Whatever you do, don’t try to face if alone. Believe me, your friends and family will be everything.”

The questions continued for the remainder of the class and as Flores predicted, they went over by 15 minutes. Deeks was completely exhausted and a little shaky, but overall not as much as he had expected. He would probably pay the price for being so explicit about his injuries with a resurgence of nightmares.

“Nice work,” Instructor Flores complimented him as he was packing up his notes and untouched book. “I didn’t expect you to be that...open.”

Deeks grimaced, realizing that he’d basically taken over the class and gone completely off script from what they discussed.

“Sorry, I guess I got a little carried away.”

“No, you got the point across. And that’s what they needed.” Flores patted his arm and nodded his appreciation. “Thank you.”

Deeks left the room, intending to skip lunch and go straight to bed until his next class. Maybe he’d get in a quick call to Kensi. The sound of her voice sounded very appealing and comforting right now. He was about halfway down the hall when someone called out,

“Deeks!” He groaned, recognizing Alan’s distinctive voice and turned as he approached, not up for dealing with him at the moment. He stopped a couple feet from Deeks, eyeing him warily.

“Was Everything you said in there true?” he asked and Deeks rolled his eyes, huffing out an exasperated sigh.

“No, Alan. I just made it up so I could get free implants,” Deeks answered derisively. “Now are you done trying to intimidate me? Talking about the guys who drilled holes in my mouth is a little bit exhausted.”

Alan flinched, but didn’t back down.

“I wasn’t trying to insult you.” He glared at Deeks as though he’d done something wrong.

“So implying that I embellished a case to make myself sound better isn’t an insult?” Alan muttered a fairly creative curse under his breath and then said,

“I’m sorry for what I said the first time we met. I was wrong about you, ok?” He shook his head, jaw clenched like the words were almost painful for him to say. Looking at the ground, he admitted, “Look, I’m struggling with a lot of the courses.”

“And you’re telling this to the guy you hate because...?” Deeks asked, not overly surprised to hear that Alan wasn’t doing well. He’d heard quite a few stories about him clashing with instructors among other things.

“Because I need help and you seem to actually know what you’re doing,” Alan said bluntly, apparently past his embarrassment. “So what do I need to do?”

Deeks blinked at him for a second, resisting the urge to laugh. Even in a moment of crisis, the guy was still making demands.

“Well one thing that I always have to remind myself about is to not let yourself get cocky.“

Alan gave him an incredulous look and shook his head.

“What? That’s your expert advice? Don’t be cocky.”

“A piece of it. It’s easy to get full of yourself. I do it all the time, but there’s always room to grow. New things to learn,” Deeks told him with a shrug.

“What could you possibly have to learn?” Alan asked acerbically. “I’ve seen you in most of these classes and you don’t even break a sweat. It’s freaking annoying.”

Deeks actually did laugh then and nodded.

“I do have a lot of experience. Like you pointed out, I’m the old guy.” Alan didn’t look amused so he sighed, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. “Look, if you want you can join the study sessions I have with some of other guys. But if you do, you need to lose the attitude because there’s not time for that.”

Alan clenched his jaw, but nodded in apparent agreement.

“I’ll think about it.” With that he turned abruptly, adding a terse, “Thanks.” As he walked away.

Deeks just watched him go, shaking his head, and glanced down at his watch. If he hurried he could maybe just squeeze in a half hour nap and the call to Kensi.

***

A/N: I know this one ends a little abruptly, but I figure I’ll be writing more in this series.

#ncis la fanfiction #marty deeks #Deeks at FLETC #trauma #tw: ptsd #angst?#ejzah fanfiction

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