#and when i say mixed feeling i mean i hate it

[ink-iron-and-glass]

So. I had a thought. Regulus Black, enters Hogwarts, and is sorted into Slytherin. He meets a boy named Evan Rosier and immediately platonic soulmates. One of those “abused?” “abused.” type of immediate friendship that it turns out was actually just destined to happen. Barty just stumbles into the mix one day when Evan comes back to the dorm and is like “look at the cute one I found on the side of the road” and it’s just their roommate but with a black eye from Dorcas Meadowes who thought she heard him call some one a mudbl**d but it was actually just the kid next to him and she apologized several times but didn’t know a healing spell and (for obvious reasons) Evan did. Anyway, they’re still young and the Gryffindors and Slytherins aren’t quite friends yet, except Lily and Snivellus but we all know how that turns out. Anyway, Reggie is still missing his brother at school and kind of acts as his shadow sometimes, but soon Reggie realizes he isn’t following Sirius for Sirius, but because of the loud, pretty boy who walks with him. Side story, we all know about James’s red converse, right? Very important to this story. Also important to this story is that Reggie is colorblind. Back to the point. One day, Reggie is laying on Evan’s bed whining about stupid Potter while Evan laughs because 11 year old love is terrible. Crushes and new feelings and plus, they’re raised pureblood so like. Homophobia. However, over the summer, Reggie decides that he wants to be just like James. Now, this is around when Sirius is pulling away and like realizing that his house is trash, so when Reggie goes to buy converse, Siri doesn’t come with, even though Reggie needs him for color correction. This results is Regulus wandering around the store until he finds shoes that seem to be the same shade of grey as the ones he always sees on James and he buys them. He enchants them black when he gets home, because emo Slytherin things, but he knows that they are the same as James. When he gets back to school for second year, in the middle of comparing bruises and after kicking Barty out for being so horrified by the abuse, Regulus shows Evan the real color of the shoes. Evan busts out laughing, and like a mean 12 year old boy just laughs and laughs at his best friend who is trying to say that he likes James and he hates it. Finally, Evan catches his breath and reveals to Regulus that the shoes are not, in fact, red converse to match James’s but a horrifyingly ugly burnt orange color. Regulus enchants them black again with a flustered face and Evan gently pats his head and offers to help Reggie get some of the correct color. Instead of agreeing, Regulus has Evan help him find shoes of the orange color so that he has a reminder of James and how he feels, without becoming James. So yeah. Thoughts happened. Regulus Black with burnt orange converse.

#harry potter #idk #sirius black #harrypotterforever #marauders #harrypotterfan #james potter #regulusblack #regulus x james #regulus deserved better #james x regulus #regulus black #sirius and regulus #regulus and evan and barty #regulus and evan #they are actually my children and you can fight me for them #harry potter marauders #marauders fandom #hp marauders #dorcas meadowes #converse #orange converse #tbh I don’t even know where this came from but I’m not mad about it

[sapphicvalentines]

☆Baby,the stars shine bright☆ pt4

pt1 , pt2 , pt3

inspired by the 'kamikaze girls',♡ always had unconditional love for lolita fashion and nothing else but when she met ellie,an auburn haired girl whos part of a gang with a dad's fashion sense ,her love for clothes begins to compete with her growing feelings for ellie

strangers to friends to lovers,love-hate friendship,ellie is into reader♡ but reader♡ shows no interest (in the beginning),opposite aesthetics,early 2000s

wlw,fluff

wc:5k

warnings: none except violence

On a rainy Friday night, when a storm was raging, you were more worried about your father than yourself, even as the whole house shook violently.

He finally came back home, soaked clothes clinging to him, and bruises marking his face.

You felt relieved that he still had all four fingers, after his gang had taken one for letting an enemy escape.

As tears streamed down his face, you quickly wiped them away as he sat before you.

It was clear to you, even then, that you would never choose the same path as your father.

"I'm not interested" you responded to ellie standing in front of you.

The way you beat up the man who stole your purse surprised Ellie, but the fact that you stood up for yourself and didn't ask her to make him pay got her even more interested. It felt like a waste not to have you in Dina's gang, but she still respected your decision; she knew she couldn't force you into criminality.

Also, who the hell would fight in a frilly dress?

Ellie understood that you had your own reasons (she thought you couldn't bear wearing anything other than Lolita dresses).

You couldnt perfectly hear the low whispers from Ellie's friends, but you guessed they wondered why Ellie was asking you to join the gang.

Ellie turned to them and introduced you, saying, "she sells really cool stuff,i got a new jacket for Himeko."

The gangsters shot you a more appreciative glance before talking with Ellie. She explained the whole thing about your stolen purse to them while you were just standing there like this 🧍‍♀️.

After a while, Ellie turned her attention back to you, telling you she has to go do what she usually does while out with her gang.

The girls' motorcycles roared once again, with Ellie sitting behind one of her friends since she had left hers at home. They respectfully said 'goodbye' and left, disappearing into the dust.

Suddenly, you felt self-conscious about the idea of Ellie finding out you had sold her fake brand clothes. If she ever told her whole gang, they would certainly not spare you any trouble and might even do worse than chopping off your fingers...

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The next day, you were met with peace, but you also had mixed feelings.

You hadn't seen Ellie all day, but out of sight didn't mean out of mind.

Every time you'd do anything, it felt like you were trying to distract yourself from thinking of her.

You kept thinking about how she was willing to help you catch the thief and find your purse, how she tried to lift your spirits up no matter how tired you were, and how proud and impressed she was when you made the thief pay.

It was cloudy that day, but her smile was outshining the sun.

The 200 bucks she helped you get weren't used to buy a new purse; you looked at it and put it in your wallet. Instead of saving up, you thought about giving it to Ellie as a sign of gratitude.

After all, you would probably still be waiting for the police to find your purse if Ellie hadn't been here for you.

Ellie also gave you her phone number,

'just in case you need my help.'

You saved it in your contacts; in fact, she was the only person you've ever had in there.

As you were thinking about texting her, you were also contemplating your emotions.

Bitter, but also sweet; you've never felt lonely before meeting Ellie.

Perhaps it was because you spent such a great time with her that you finally acknowledged a hole you didn't even know was there in the first place.

A hole that was created when you made the mistake of getting attached to people who weren't worthy of your love.

You only realize it now that she's gone, that it actually felt pleasant being around her.

You closed your glittering flip phone, making a 'clap' sound as you sighed. You were comfortable being alone but uncomfortable feeling lonely.

"she's probably having fun with her friends," you thought. So instead of texting her, you tried to distance yourself.

And it started with getting rid of your thoughts about her. So you cleaned your room, baked with your grandma, had tea time, listened to classical music as you sewed a brand new headband, and tried on different outfits for the next time you go out. However, you were spending more time trying to distract yourself than actually enjoying yourself.

You fell into a restless sleep after this long, tiring day, still with the feeling you failed to make go away.

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One, then two, then three rocks were thrown at your window. You were already awake, lying on your bed, but too lazy to start changing.

Or just start this day, in general.

Then another rock hit your window. The rocks were too small to break the glass, but you still wondered why this person kept persisting at getting your attention.

Although you already had your own idea of who that person was.

After slipping out of the covers, you walked towards your windows and opened them, pushing out the curtains, letting the morning sun enter your bedroom.

You weren't surprised to see her once again.

Ellie looked up at you with a faint smile and waved at you without saying a word.

You had no idea why she showed up in front of your house, but the reason was probably not as important as buying your fake luxury clothes.

After a moment of silence, you started to close the windows, making the auburn-haired girl scream to stop.

That was not so discreet of her.

"i'm just going to change, I'll be right back," you reassured her before closing the windows and putting on the curtains.

About 15 minutes passed by before you showed up in front of Ellie. You didn't wear something extravagant, unlike other days, just a simple baby pink and white dress matching with your old-school lolita bonnet.

To Ellie, you took a lot of time to dress up just to put on a simple outfit. "you know, that's kinda rude", Ellie referred to you closing the windows when you saw her.

"I was going to sleep in, but you interrupted me".You didn't only close them for changing, but mostly to annoy her. Her reactions were so funny.

"sleeping that much is bad for your health though",Ellie replied, looking at your face. You looked like you had enough beauty sleep, unlike her and her eye bags.

On the other hand, you didn't mind her eye bags; they looked cute. But the cute freckles adorning her face were adorable.

"what do you know about health? you smoke", you retorted. It was enough to make her face instantly turn as red as a tomato. She was thinking of a violent comeback but couldn't reply. "anyways, why didn't you just knock at the front door like a decent human?"

"your grandma's there"ellie pointed at your front door where your grandma was. You suddenly remembered when your grandma was trying to tear her ear off; it was hilarious now that you think about it.

"oh yeah, I forgot, she's guarding the house from people like you",you said, holding back your laugh. But Ellie wasn't pleased by the slight insult/teasing. You didn't forget when she revealed she stalked your dad though.

"hey, who gives you money? you better watch your mouth," Ellie said, half-jokingly, but you still enjoyed teasing her; it was like a guilty pleasure.

You wanted to ask her why she hadn't come to see you at all yesterday, but Ellie suddenly grabbed your arm, remembering why she came here in the first place. "come with me, I wanna show you something."

Her touch was as warm as the weather. You couldn't explain why, but it brought you a feeling of comfort, knowing that today was going to be as pleasant as a few days ago, or maybe even better.

However, you still felt reluctant.

What's with the excited look on her face?

Ellie didn't directly voice her intentions and it didn't convince you to follow her. "what is it?"

The fact that you spent a whole day with her, even if the reason was looking for your purse, was enough for Ellie to consider you as a friend.

Ellie wanted to keep it a surprise, but she also knew you wouldn't go with her if she told you what she had in mind. "do you trust me?"she asked.

She looked deep into your eyes with a faint smile, she couldnt convince you , so she tried persuasion.

"absolutely not",you replied honestly. The last time she told you to trust her was before the spicy food contest, and this girl couldn't eat spicy noodles to save her life!

The truth was that she just wanted to help. If lying about the most random things could get you to do fun things with her, she would certainly do it.

And that's exactly how she managed to get you behind her on her black bosozoku. You were gripping the sides of her motorcycle for dear life, not having any seatbelt on.

Ellie pushed the key, turning on her motorcycle, before looking at you to make sure you felt safe.

You caught her smirk before she turned her head back to look at the road; the gangster could tell you've never been on a motorcycle before.

"gimme your hands," Ellie said.

You did as Ellie said, and she placed your arms around her waist. You didn't mind being this close to her since it was for your safety, especially when she smelled so good.

You felt safer holding Ellie like this than wearing helmets and protection from head to toe.

But that quickly changed as soon as she drove off, speeding as if she owned the road.

Many drivers honked, surprised by how fast and how close Ellie was approaching them. You could swear you would have died right there if she wasn't used to doing this.

It was almost miraculous that both of you arrived safe and sound in Shibuya, but not without feeling so dizzy that you couldn't walk straight.

"c'mon, was I really that bad?" Ellie complained at your reaction. She forgot it was your first time on a motorcycle as she was driving; she was purely guided by adrenaline and kind of felt bad about it.

"are you expecting me to praise you after driving like this?" You left home without eating breakfast, and Ellie promised you'd eat once you guys arrived in Shibuya. However, you were too nauseous to put anything in your mouth. You wondered if it wasnt part of her plan

The worst part is Ellie wasn't even drunk,she was driving like this sober !

As she was driving, you forced yourself not to blink, too scared that you would see your life flash by at any moment.

"you're such a drama queen. also, I like physical touch over praises if that helps," the auburn-haired girl chuckled. She saw how nauseous you felt and decided to get you straight to the place she had in mind, skipping breakfast.

"shut up"you retorted but you didnt let this information unregistered in your head.

��°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°

Entering this luxurious building felt like stepping into a hidden world. You felt excited, but it also felt wrong.

Everyone gathered around everything. Younger adults were drawn towards slot machines, whereas older people gathered around tables playing games you knew your dad had played before.

You immediately recognized you had entered a casino when you saw the elders playing roulette.

It was during this game that your dad met his ex-gang for the very first time, managing to befriend the members despite losing all his money to them.

That must be a gangster thing because Ellie was literally the one dragging you here. You had passed in front of the building multiple times but never entered it due to lack of interest.

Ellie walked towards the back of the room, holding your hand to make sure you wouldn't run away.

You felt eyes on you as Ellie continued towards a colorful door at the back of the room, its colors contrasting with the white-beige walls of the room but blending perfectly with the one she led you into.

The pink and yellow machines immediately caught your eye.

Ellie knew what she was doing.

Upbeat music played, setting the atmosphere, and unlike the other room, these games attracted both elders and younger people.

"what game is that?" You turned to Ellie, who was already taking a seat. There was no way you could refuse playing pachinko after she had won you 200 bucks last time.

"just another way for us to make money,who knows...we might even get rich by the end of the day." Ellie had played pachinko multiple times before bringing you here for the first time. Luck wasn't something she believed in, but she had learned tricks that often made her win—maybe not every time, but more than everyone in the room combined.

It was also the occasion to see you and make up for her absence yesterday since she was busy kicking ass with her friends.

But mostly, she wanted to show off after losing the spicy eating contest to you. She still hadn't recovered after this, being the bad loser she is...

"sometimes your confidence is kinda tricky," you replied, looking at her hands taking out shiny balls from her pockets.

This girl never carried a bag, so she had the most random things hidden in her pockets.

"just sometimes, not every time" Ellie took your hand, giving you a handful of pachinko balls without giving you the choice but to play with her.

It's not like you would say 'no' after making all this way here, and especially after she helped you find your precious purse.

Her finger softly grazed next to the silver bow ring adorning your middle finger.

"did you know that you can make jewelry out of pachinko balls?" Ellie asked as she pulled a lever, launching the balls in the machine. Colorful arrows of lights flickered on the Pac-Man backboard as upbeat music started to play.

"really?" You mimicked Ellie's action with your Dragon Ball Z-themed machine. You weren't particularly into shonen anime, but the other machine to Ellie's right was already taken by a young guy.

Ellie elaborated as she adjusted the pressure on the lever, launching the shiny balls in the machine, trying to get them into the winning pocket. "you can drill small holes into the balls to string them together for necklaces or bracelets. I've seen some girls adding beads and charms, it's kinda cute."

Your eyes followed the balls bouncing off pins and obstacles as you pressed the button, trying to control their trajectory. Too focused on the machine in front of you, you nodded in response to her random facts.

Ellie then closed her mouth, fully dedicating her attention to putting the small balls in the winning pocket. The balls kept launching in the machine as she applied pressure on the lever, but not a single one would hit the jackpot. She considered this as a warm-up, hoping she would quickly get the hang of it.

On the other hand, despite having absolutely no experience in playing pachinko or gambling games, you were doing perfectly, having each single ball thrown straight into the winning pocket as if you'd been playing for years.

It was not strategy nor how many times you were pressing the button that would make you win; there was simply no other explanation than luck. You never went outside without putting on your favorite silver ring, convinced that it would bring you luck. And here you were, getting more balls in the tray ready to be exchanged for money.

Ellie looked at your machine, purely intrigued. She thought she was going to impress you and not the other way around.

Not a single ball missed the winning pocket!

"hey, did you know why the pachinko ball went to school?" Ellie went back to playing but not without trying to distract you.

"I have no idea." You knew what Ellie was doing; you were starting to know her a little better. Her stupid jokes weren't something that would easily distract you; in fact, you kept accumulating new balls in your tray.

"because it wanted to be a little brighter." She was the only one laughing, but she managed to make you smile, which satisfied her.

She was convinced she could make you laugh out loud soon.

"trying to distract me won't make you win." You would occasionally glance at her, desperately trying to get at least one ball in the winning pocket, noticing how her confidence disappeared instantly from the minute she started to pull the lever.

You almost pitied her. (you kept playing anyway.)

Ellie thought there was no other explanation than a machine problem; maybe she picked a defective machine that would only make her lose.

After a few minutes, you noticed Ellie wasn't beside you anymore; the seat on your right was empty, and instead of her, you caught the envious gaze of a guy looking younger than you.

The sound of people whispering behind you, along with balls aggressively flipping at every corner of the machine, made you turn around; Ellie was behind you on another machine.

Luckily winning, she'd get new shiny balls in her tray after 30 minutes of playing, already imagining how full of cash her pockets were going to be.

However, if money could bring luck, it could also do the opposite; you were too focused on your game to notice how much attention it gathered.

"It's her, right over there with the child's clothes," the door in the back of the room opened before loudly being slammed. Two men in suits walked straight towards you.

Ellie noticed them and stood up before they could try anything.

"she's cheating, sir! I saw her with my own eyes!" It was the same guy looking at you with pure envy from earlier, now talking. You didn't even notice him leaving. You wondered how he was going to prove it.

"miss, stand up and step aside," the taller guy ordered, not even considering the younger guy lying.

"how is winning cheating? this dude is just mad that I have good luck," you defended yourself, but you could tell the taller guy didn't want to hear anything from a woman like you, even if you were telling the truth.

You desperately wanted to keep your jackpot, so you had no choice but to do as he told you, hoping this misunderstanding would quickly end.

Suddenly, you felt a hand forcefully pushing you towards the two men. The three of you fell to the floor like bowling pins, with the two men's heads bumping into each other as yours was cushioned by the tall guy's abdomen.

You didn't even want to apologize when the younger dude yelled at you for trying to kill them, claiming it was an attempt to get away with your 'cheating'

You sighed at how chaotic the situation had turned in just a split second and noticed Ellie behind you.

The two men slowly stood up, and the taller guy pushed you away before he went to check the pachinko machine.

There was no proof that you were cheating, and the look of envy on the guy's face was now mixed with jealousy.

He added another lie, determined to make you lose your jackpot. "aren't minors forbidden in this place, sir?"

His tone was so cocky; you were more trying to control yourself from punching him in the face than keep explaining yourself.

"shut the fuck up. I bet your pubic hair is still growing for the first time," Ellie walked towards him as she cracked her fingers, her patience quickly wearing thin.

The guy stepped back anxiously as he recognized the golden signature on Ellie's jacket.

You've never seen anyone get in such a state just by looking at someone's jacket, but this also explained why everyone would give Ellie a 3-meter of private space in public.

"excuse me? watch your mouth, otherwise not only her, but also you will be expelled," he wasn't even denying what Ellie had said.

The tall man looked you up and down, wondering how the guards even let you enter the casino. You and Ellie didn't even see anyone controlling people at the entrance.

Ellie's gaze shifted from the young guy's face to the tall man's, coming up with a quick lie too, even though both of you were legal. "no, seriously, she's uh... she's my mother. she's just dressed in child's clothes."

Both of the guys looked at each other before looking at you, searching for any sign of old age.

"Yeah, I brought my daughter here so we could get money and get a lawyer for divorce." Your brain worked faster than you'd think. You glanced at Ellie before looking at them, hoping to make this lie sound like truth to the stupid men.

Unfortunately, their level of stupidity was so high that they would only believe men lying, but never women, regardless of whether they'd lie or tell the truth.

Because you had tried both,but it didn't stop both you and Ellie from being expelled from the casino, thrown outside of the building like useless trash.

You brushed the dust off your dress as you stood up with Ellie. "I hate men," you complained as you looked at the front of the building.

The reason both of you got kicked out wasn't because of your age, but because Ellie violently headbutted the two men who were going to call the police on them.

You didn't blame her though; you got kicked out without your jackpot, but she did what you restrained yourself from doing.

Ellie looked at you, making sure you weren't hurt or anything. "same, they didn't have to throw us out like that", her voice dripping with annoyance as she looked back at the building.

Although you were safe, with no police to track you down and no men trying to threaten you, you still felt bad and for losing the jackpot you won.

But you stopped worrying once you recognized the shiny balls Ellie was taking out of her pockets. "no need to be grumpy now,i got these just in time" Ellie said proudly as she handed them out to you. Ellie was usually chill and carefree, but in serious situations, her brain would always work faster than she'd think. That's how she got the quick reflex to push you to the two douchebags so she could put your pachinko balls in her pocket.

There was no way you were going to get in trouble AND lose what belonged to you.

☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°

Impatiently, both of you went to exchange the pachinko balls for money secretly. It wasn't your first time doing something illegal for your own interest; in fact, it was starting to become a habit.

Ellie counted up all the money while you stood next to her, ensuring there was no one watching around, but your eyes would always turn back to Ellie with a focused look on her face.

You couldn't see her beautiful freckles because the roofs of the houses were blocking the sun, casting their shadows on the ground.

The darkness reflected the mystery of Ellie's mind to you.

You wondered what her childhood was like, why she liked darker colors, how she always appeared tough and fearless. You wondered if she ever showed her vulnerable side to her gang members.

But mostly, you wondered why she kept helping you. Was there a deeper meaning behind her smile, a message conveyed through the way she looked at you, and why was she desperate to hear you laugh at her jokes?

Ellie wasn't an attention seeker, but she loved it when you would give yours to her.

The way you stood up for yourself and kicked the ass of the asshole who stole your purse that day was undeniably attractive.

Ellie was still thinking about it; she also imagined how it would be if you joined her gang. The day after that, although she hadn't seen you all day, it didn't mean that you didn't leave her mind.

You realized you hit the big jackpot when Ellie gave you the amount of money your luck was worth; those 500 bucks were easy money for you.

Ellie had a bit less money than you, but when you handed her half of what you had, she refused respectfully.

"we said we'd split up," you insisted. You still had the 200 bucks she got you doubled up in your purse. They were the first thing you grabbed before she drove you to the casino. You never had the occasion to properly thank her for helping you find your purse until now.

Ellie looked at you. She knew your intention but still refused, though she appreciated the act. "you won this because you're a good player. It's yours," her tone softer than usual.

So you softened yours too. "at least take it as a gift." You took her hand, but she closed it before you could give her anything.

You knew Ellie preferred actions over words, so why wasn't she accepting the money?

"I swear I'm going to shove it in your mouth if you keep refusing my act of gratefulness."

Ellie just laughed at how quickly your tone changed, insisting for her to take the money you offered her. She liked how fast you started to understand her.

"Wow, so kind of you, but-"Ellie replied sarcastically, but suddenly her phone rang, interrupting your moment.

Slipping the money into her pockets was far from discreet, so you decided to wait.

You weren't listening, just hearing.

You assumed the deep raspy voice talking to Ellie was Joel. He was telling her to come back home soon since the sun was going to start setting, which she agreed to. She couldn't say 'no' after he said he made pizza.

Ellie talked to Joel as she kept eye contact with you, making the call quick.

"' 'mkay, see ya," she closed her flip phone, making a 'clap' sound before fully focusing her attention back to you.

"kiddo..." you muttered. The way Ellie and Joel conversed told you a lot about their relationship. Joel had a caring yet friendly tone, while Ellie would give short and direct responses. Something felt off between these two, but what caught your attention the most was the nickname Joel would call Ellie. "he calls you kiddo, how cute."

Ellie put her phone back in her pocket, giving you an unappreciative side eye. "don't call me that."

"I was just saying that the way he calls you kiddo's cute." You noticed how embarrassed Ellie got; it showed all over her face with how fast she blushed.

Ellie sighed. She regretted not lowering the volume of her phone during her call; she knew you would tease her about it. "yeah, but he's the only one allowed to call me that."

"but I wasnt calling you kiddo."

"say that one more time and I'll kill you." Ellie shot you a glare as she playfully threatened you. You forgot this side of her for a moment. It wasn't the weed making her chill and goofy whenever she's around you; it was just the way she was with you.

You smiled playfully before leaning your face toward her,you knew perfectly how to annoy her "kiddo"

You ran as fast as you could away from her, with her chasing you.

The wind was blowing against you, making your hair fly as you ran.

Ellie was catching up to you, but before she could grab you ,you stumbled and slipped headfirst on the floor !

Too embarrassed, you stayed on the floor when you heard Ellie exploding into laughter as if she had been holding her laughter in for centuries.

"you don't even wear platforms, how the fuck did you slip like that?" Ellie walked closer to you still refusing to budge. You wanted her to feel guilty

Ellie noticed the lack of response and instantly got worried, already imagining the worst scenarios. She crouched down, gently moving your hair out of your face. "hey ♡, are you ok?" Her voice was caring and gentler compared to earlier.

If she only talks to you like this when worried, you'd stumble on the ground more often.

#Spotify #ellie fluff #ellie tlou #ellie williams #ellie x fem reader #mini series #tlou #ellie x reader #wlw

[multasuntcausaebibendi]

purple flowers in the night the springlight in your eyes my self destructive fight the truth in all our lies red roses back in autumn '19 the things we said so cruel and mean when love evolved in hateful speaches like horrendous storms on lovely beaches love brighter than all christmas lights too much to say too short the nights all the love we had disguised and the aching longing we despised boiling feelings mixed with summer heat the yearning that we couldn't beat you broke my heart 'cause i broke yours when will we ever close the doors?

-multasuntcausaebibendi (poem: "you in every season")

#spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets on tumblr #poetry #heartbreak #writing #love poem #love #multasuntcausaebibendi poetry #multasuntcausaebibendi #poem #poems and poetry #words #spilled words #secret love #love affairs #i love you #love quotes #lovesick #love story

[nebulablakemurphy]

Total Eclipse Of The Heart (Part 14)

Summary: Jacob Black, alpha of his pack, would never fall in love with a bloodsucker, much less imprint on one. The problem is that Y/N Swan was human…until she wasn’t anymore.

Series Masterlist

When Y/N was younger, she imagined a great many things. She imagined marrying Jacob in a white poofy gown and chowing down on a big cake, while their friends and family cheered.

She imagined how sweet it would be when they finally decided to have a child. A perfect mix of her and the most wonderful person she’s ever known. Long dark hair, chocolate brown eyes and blinding smiles.

She imagined it would take hours or days to bring their child into the world, but she always knew it would be worth it. For this moment.

Carlisle places the tiny russet colored wolf on her chest, covered in blood, which can only be Jacob’s and a silver liquid she assumes to be her venom.

Jacob rubs at the little wolf’s back while they whimper, shivering in Y/N’s arms.

“Shhh, you’re ok.” Y/N whispers, as Carlisle carefully replaces the pieces of her he’d chipped away to deliver their child. She glances up at Jacob, “they’re ok, right?”

Jacob passes a hand over her hair. “Babies cry, honey.”

Y/N nods, wrapping the knitted blanket tighter around their child.

“How are you holding up?” Carlisle asks, still tending to her…wounds.

“I think I’m ok.”

“You’ve done remarkably.”

“Thank you,” Y/N stares up at the ceiling.

“All set.” Carlisle pats Y/N’s knee. “You can sit up.”

Jacob takes the baby, rocking gently as the wolf shifts into a perfect baby boy.

Y/N stands, pushing her dress down to cover herself.

“I’m going to share the good news.” Carlisle excuses himself.

Y/N feels different, though her physical body has not changed.

“Shh,” Jacob hushes their son as he begins to fuss. “There’s mommy.”

The baby is silent then, his wide, dark eyes settle on his mother.

Jacob attempts to hand him over.

“No,” Y/N stops him. “I don’t want to make him phase.”

Jacob’s face falls, “he’s our son.”

“I know,” that’s why she has to protect him, even from herself.

“You’re not gonna hold him?”

“I want to.” Every cell in her body is screaming for him.

“This is going to take some getting used to for all of us. He might phase, but he’ll learn to control it. Just like I did.” Jacob murmurs.

A little fist reaches out from the blanket and the baby begins to cry.

“He wants you.” Jacob hears the thought so loudly in his head.

“Really?” Y/N leans in.

Jacob nods, easing the infant into her arms.

Y/N stares down at her baby, still human and watching her with unblinking eyes. Like he knows her. “He looks like you,” Y/N strokes the baby’s hair. “Both ways.”

Jacob laughs. “Yeah.”

“Sorry I freaked out; but I hate to think I’m the reason he’s afraid or uncomfortable. I’m supposed to be the one who makes him feel safe. I know it’s not personal and it’s not anyone’s fault…I just feel bad.”

Jacob puts his arms around them, around his entire world. “The fact you’re beating yourself up about it proves that you’re actually insufferable.”

“We knew that.” Y/N scoffs, kissing the little hand wrapped around her index finger.

“But it also means you’re a great mom.” Jacob grins, “and I love you.”

“I love you too.” She rests her head against his shoulder.

“So how are you feeling?” Jacob asks, “are we one and done? Or are we having a few more?”

“A few?” Y/N arches a brow, “how many do you want?”

“One more.” Jacob suggests.

“I could do one more.”

The door of Carlisle’s office opens and Renesmee comes bouncing in. “Aunt Y/N! Uncle Jacob!”

“Renesmee, wait.” Bella protests, “hold on a minute.”

“I just want to see the baby,” Renesmee explains.

“Sorry guys,” Bella smiles, “she couldn’t wait.”

“It’s ok, Ness.” Jacob waves her over, “you can say hi.”

“This is your cousin,” Y/N dips the blanket down for the little girl to see. “Rowan.”

Renesmee glances back at Bella. “He’s so little, mommy.”

Bella smiles at her nephew, “he looks just like you, Jake.”

“That’s what she said.”

————————————————————————-

Rowan finds his place in their large, unconventional, family better than anyone expected.

The Cullens love kids, babies, weddings and birthdays. All the human experiences they were robbed of.

The pack welcomes Rowan with open arms, making room for the tiny wolf in their ranks. Showing him love and understanding, most importantly, teaching him to embrace who he is. Turning into a wolf is only weird if you make it weird, after all.

Rowan grows fast, but not as fast as Renesmee who looks to be about six years old at only twelve months.

They are still looking for answers in regards to Renesmee’s rapid aging, but tonight they are at the Cullen’s. Even Billy has joined them, listening to Edward teach Renesmee to play piano.

Rowan pulls himself up, standing beside the couch, leaning on it to stay upright. “Dada.”

Jacob smiles, wide enough to split his face. “Hi,” he takes him into his lap.

“Looks like he’s getting ready to walk there, Jacob.” Charlie says.

“You think?”

“He’s never done it on two legs before.” Y/N passes a hand over Rowan’s baby curls.

“Today might be the day.” Billy grins, “put him down, let’s see if he’ll walk to grandpa.” He extends his arms.

Rowan giggles, opening and closing his chubby fist in Billy’s direction.

“What do you think, buddy?” Jacob whispers to his son, “you wanna walk?”

“Mama,” the little boy says, instead, crawling off Jacob onto her.

Y/N hugs him to her, “I love you, sweet boy.”

“Mama.” He clings to her, bouncing with his little legs.

“Maybe next time, Billy.” Charlie claps his shoulder. “Looks like he’s setting up shop.”

“Boy loves his mama.” Jacob’s father nods, “Jake was the same way with his mom.”

Jacob swallows hard, looking to his wife, who he hasn’t officially married. He’ll never let anything bad happen to her. Never again.

————————————————————————-

Y/N is hovering over at foot of their bed when Jacob wakes. “Good morning.”

“Morning, beautiful.” Jacob shoots her a lopsided grin. “What’s on the agenda for today?”

“Bella wants to take Ren out to play in the snow. I was thinking we’d tag along.”

“That sounds like fun. Do you mind if I dip out early with Rowan? I promised to bring him down to the rez today.”

“Yeah, that’s fine.” Y/N smiles.

“Cool.” Jacob returns the gesture. She makes his heart flutter in his chest, even after all these years.

Y/N comes around to his side of the bed, tracing her finger along the slope of his nose. “There is one thing I’d like to do today.”

“What?” Jacob thinks he knows, but he loves hearing her say it.

“You.”

Jacob laughs, pulling her down onto the mattress. They wrestle around playfully, landing on the floor with her pinned beneath him.

“Shhh,” Y/N hushes him. “My dad’s gonna hear us.”

“I really hate to tell you this,” Jacob drags his thumb across her cheekbone. “But I think he knows.”

“No,” Y/N shakes her head, “he thinks Rowan was like…immaculately conceived or something. I’d like to keep it that way.”

“Whatever helps you not sleep at night, honey.” Jake chuckles.

Series Taglist: @vxidnik @remembered-license @itscheybaby @cole22ann @the-tryhard-twihard @zheezs14 @adaydreamaway08 @xcastawayherosx @moneteguiza @stinkii-boii @theatrechic26 @sylum @irrelevant-86

#total eclipse of the heart #jacob twilight #jacob black x reader #jacob black x y/n #jacob black x vampire reader #jacob black x you #jacob black imagine #jacob black fanfiction #jacob black #twilight x you #twilight imagine #twilight fanfiction #twilight

[trashabilly]

having very mixed feelings abt the fact that im turning 28 this year but customers at work keep asking me what highschool i go to

#talkin #and when i say mixed feeling i mean i hate it #bc when i tell ppl im gonna be 30 in a few years they always ask what my secret is #like idk i was super into opiates and a daily drinker for a good few years so maybe try that #i also smoke at least a half pack a day.. its just genetics and the classic transmasc babyface #but you cant tell people to get addicted to drugs and transition as a trick to looking young so whatever ig #to be fair tho i also always forget how old i actually am #at least until i talk to teenagers and realize i have no fucking idea what theyre saying #i usually have to google current slang and i Do Not Like That #a while ago i helped a couple of girls at work who were talking abt how popular the song playing on the radio was #when they were in elementary school like i could relate to that.. but the song came out after inhad graduated highschool

[ferretwhomst]

alright guys. poll time

just wanted to ask because from what i can tell the gf fandom doesn't really seem to have a general fandom-wide consensus on this ship. rbs would be appreciated!!! also feel free to elaborate in the tags which option you chose and why! i'd love to hear people's reasoning :-)

#personally i have super mixed feelings on billford #people sometimes boil down their relationship to “haha they fight like a divorced couple” and yeah it's an easy generalization but #i really hate when people skip over the aspects of their dynamic which are Fucked Up #like... bill was abusive and manipulative to ford from the start. and ford was fucking OBSESSED with him #and his time with bill left a lasting mark on him for years and years #that's not even including how bill fucking tortured ford during weirdmageddon #my point is they aren't HEALTHY. they never were #and i think the only way to do their relationship justice is to keep the unhealthy dynamic #while also acknowledging how fucked up it is #there isn't a single world where ford is normal about bill and vice versa #i don't necessarily mean that romantically tho because i don't really ship billford myself #i'm just observing from the sidelines as i take a bite out of my platonic stan twins and fiddauthor fanworks yk #ok this got long. #what i'm trying to say is their dynamic was fucked up as hell and it would stay like that even if they were gay 4 each other #anyways #ferret rambles #gravity falls #bill cipher #gf bill cipher #stanford pines #ford pines #grunkle ford #gf ford #billford #poll

[lambjock]

i have too many thoughts on the deleted jackienat scene for a girl who's supposed to be enjoying her birthday lol. i think at the root of it all, it's highly likely that when the actresses breathed life into the characters, and scenes got improvised, some things just stopped making sense for characters to do. including good things, like with jackie's 'i love you' to shauna! and i think this is the case for natalie looking at jackie with hatred before leaving her out in the cold. maybe at one point in her early stages of characterization it made sense, but clearly the people on the show didn't think that way anymore at some point, hence the cut. also ngl people taking this deleted scene, which for all we know didn't even make it into the final script, as some sort of 'gotchu' for jackienat enjoyers ( romantic or otherwise ) is weird as hell to me. like, it was removed for a reason.

#my posts. #yellowjackets #im tired and its my birthday so maybe this doesnt make much sense but #i have lots of thoughts i cant stop thinking abt this scene #a mix of good and bad tbh #but mostly watching people act as if this completely destroys jackienat is hilarious to some degree #since a huge part of their appeal has always been how similiar they are. that's what jackienat is founded on #and with that similarity comes a hatred especially since both girls have a self loathing streak #so regardless whether people view this as a huge characterization moment for nat or not doesn't change this #people seem to forget how much natalie genuinely hated lottie and was jealous of her as well! it doesn't mean she loved her any less #natalie at her core is a teenage girl like the rest of them. she has flaws and pettiness and does things she regrets. a *lot* #but on the other hand she'd do anything for travis. that's who she lives for. and the only one who helped her save him was jackie #jackie might've stolen him away for the night but the others were gonna take him away forever #which is something natalie would hate more than jackie fucking him. hell in the show she even says she could care less about the sex #she just wanted travis to be *alright.* #had natalie been in the cabin when jackie was calling the girls out for what they did last night you KNOW she would've sided with her #would she have cared about the highschool drama between shauna and jackie? who knows. #but no matter her personal feelings on jackie they had a mutual hatred and disgust for what happened during doomcoming #and i think that would've mattered more to nat at the time. in a swarm of angry feral teenagers the only one she could trust then was jacki #of course these are just my personal opinions which im purposefully keeping brief lol #but like. i just have too many thoughts on this it would take an essay to iron them out so here's this i guess!

[junotter]

sometimes researching for avatar redesigns has you 6 layers deep into the Japan's Meiji era allies wiki

#im trying to mess with some of the stuff that feels weird about the ways the fire nation is depicted idk #like i do not feel optically it is good for like them to be so heavily based on japan's imperialist actions #while dressed in clothes that come from places japan colonized #but i dont want it to just be solely japanese though i did draw zuko and azula in hakama but its largely cause i wanted to draw hakama #and like the only place with strong japanese influence being kiyoshi island and my own frustration with the modern day samurai depiction #i think fundamentally it isnt a choice that had as much thought as i am putting in put into it but it does raise an eyebrow for me #anyway i think keeping the thai influence is fine despite the brief invasion japan had into thailand due to thailand then allying with japa #and further allying with the axis due to allying with japan #ugh and ive been told not to think this much about it because its fiction but its also fiction so so so heavily based on real places #and when you base fiction on real cultures you fall into some unintentional pitfalls #i also fucking hate the royal fire nation robes they look so meh and the most costumey out of everything in the show #they look like heavy blankets despite being a supposedly hot nation #theres ways to have heavy robes (heian era japan) but they look like i make them out of fleece and velvet blankets #back to kiyoshi island i think the really only aesthetically japanese reference in the show being an island of noble warriors is lame #plus over done #it feels like nowadays theres a lot of people who get all whiney about people saying fire nation is based off japan #but like dude the creators in the comics and korra like go even more into the japanese influence and clearly it was the original intentions #also i do think you could do some pretty interesting world building by having say there be an older cultural influence on kiyoshi island #from the fire nation especially if the place is established as a central port area then you tie in some okinawan or even hawaiian reference #and gives an explanation that makes sense to why kiyoshi stands out from the rest of the earth kingdom you have long term cultural trading #and it establishes interesting relationships even pre kiyoshi time thereby drawing back onto some real historic references #cause for awhile ryukyu china and japan used to be this trading triangle which could explain some of these various influences going on #i think you can get a really interesting harmony when you create the fire nation out of a mix of japan and thailand #i mean both have these floating buildings due to living on some pretty wet lands and theres harmony in that mix #god i did see one person go like “fire nation is more based on china because theres a lot of red and red is important in china” #my brother in christ red is also important in japan #red is important in like many many asian cultures #i mean of course a lot of that importance stems from china and cultural exchange with china but idk kinda silly to say with your whole ches #like if you want to bring china in then the dragons are the biggest thing like sure some mythos has dragons in japan #but a lot of those comes from china in some way

[henry-fox-biggest-stan]

“Omg Edward and Bella are so Odysseus and Penelope coded” that’s how it sounds to me each time anyone compares a mlm ship to achilles and patroklos

#just say that you only know 3 mlm couples and move on #no one makes that kind of comparasions with straight couples no one #yknow why #because no one lumps them together! they are allowed to be different even if they have physical similarities! #yes this is specifically about rwrb heartstopper and yr #they are like the big three' regarding mIm fiction and i just dont get it?? #plus they are ALWAYS compared to tsoa achilles and patroklos #sure theyre good but they are all treated like they are the same thing like all the characters are similar #spoiler alert they arent #(straight) people mix their personalities together to make a palpable smoothie that they can drink and say ‘oh im such an ally dont you see’ #plus when comparing them to achilles and patroklus they mean tsoa patrochilles obviously #because their characters are SO BLAND in that book that their personality can be altered for personal enjoyment and still be same #‘alex and henry and charlie and nick and simon and wilhelm are SO achilles and patroclus😍🥺’ #do you know literally any other mlm fictional couple? have you ever read a mlm book written by a gay guy? #because as far as i know heartstopper rwrb and yr arent made by gay guys #and while that is fine the representation is very good and alice and casey are both queer #i have the suspicion that the straight women that say that have never read anything writtenby a gay guy because i did and let me tell you #they write things very differently they are unapologetically queer they arent palpable to *that* straight audience #yknow i love casey and not saying their books arent queer (they absolutely are) but for example heartsopper since its idealized #its not something that make you feel the struggles and the hate etc so strsight audiences can binge on it without seeing themselves #reflected on the homophobic characters or have their own prejudices be turned upside down #anyway fck madeline miller fck fetishizing borderline homophobic women who only read mlm and for the love of god leave rwrb and yr ALONE #rwrb #young royals #heartstopper #achilles #patroklos #achilles and patroclus

[skrunksthatwunk]

kinda drives me up a wall when people go "hey i think x action in a war/combat scenario is inhumane and cruel and shitty" and someone responds with "oh but within the laws of war it's allowed or there's procedure for it etc etc". it doesn't have to be a war crime to be unforgivable man it's a shitty rulebook anyway

#like whether or not something's bad isn't determined by whether or not it adheres to arbitrary rules people made up and never obey #i thought we all knew that already. c'mon man. get a grip #obviously war crimes are bad but that's not where the badness potential ends y'know #this post is due to my dad talking about smth i sent him mentioning US troops firing on a bunch of guys in smth on deserters and he was lik #well they're not like citizens or refugees or deserters they're retreating enemy combattants. so it's different. #it IS different but isn't it still like. overly brutal? idk. #like would you want them to pursue Your ppl regardless? are they not allowed mercy just because you proved stronger? your positions could #be swapped easily and you'd think that as fellow combattants you would feel that deeply. idk maybe i'm just too soft or whatever but like. #seems stupid to me. war generally seems stupid to me but this specifically right now seems stupid to me #yes i know there are practical concerns and sacrifices in combat that make sense when you're actually there and me saying there should be n #wars and we should make it a fucking priority to not have wars doesn't mean ppl already in a decision-making role in the field should do #what i (an idealist) would do. they're responsible for minimizing loss and shit. whatever. doesn't mean it's not fucked up anyway. #and that's assuming the best case scenario for a leader in such a position. usually they just want to minimize Their side's losses. usually #by maximizing the other side's. or they just want to win and will sacrifice anyone for it if it's practical #which happens a Lot. usually it's a mix of the latter two to my understanding #as if americans' lives matter more than anyone else's and the other side doesn't have a right to mourn bc they offended us somehow #ugh that shit irks me so bad dude. there'll be like a terrorist attack in europe or smth and the news'll be like #ONE AMERICAN WAS KILLED. and twenty swiss. THE AMERICAN WAS VISITING FAMILY THERE ON SUNDAY MORNING WHEN TRAGEDY STRUCK etc etc #fucking hate that. i don't care if they're on 'my team' or whatever they're all equally human and equally dead #why the hell should i care if one of them was an american. just say 21 people died. like i get reporting on it briefly ig to like notify #ppl At Best but like. it's so grating. why can't you be normal about other people fucking goddamn you #why is this a controversial statement. why is giving a shit about people killing each other (often for like 10 ppl's financial gain) wrong #like. come on. i don't care if they 'deserve it' or whatever because i don't think they do. and even if they Did i don't think it's #America's Time To Step Up!!! every time smth like this happens (but only when it is financially beneficial to us to do so #such that we ignore atrocities all the fucking time bc it's inconvenient. we're not superheros. we're cops.) #not saying america shouldn't do anything bc like. idk. you screw everyone over to have all the power maybe you should use that influence fo #good. but my definition of 'good' is wayyyy way different from everybody who's ever held office here apparently so like. nuts to that #eugh. anyway im cutting myself off here rant over. for now

[kandiibow]

Asha might not be a princess but she could still be a leader

As I said in a previous post it is 100% confirmed Asha will have no royal status whatsoever in this movie but will still be apart of the Disney princess line, do we have another Mulan situation here? I don’t think so.

So here’s my theory obviously she’s gonna defeat the villain that’s just how Disney movies work, But if she does that then why wouldn’t she take his place and be a princess? if she does good the people would probably want her to be their new ruler. (If they’re not completely politically brainwashed bc I can tell this movie will have political elements)

I love my Disney princesses but monarchy is shit in the real world and I can definitely see her accepting the role of a leader but not a princess or queen. Remember how vanellope changed herself into a president in wreck it Ralph? She could do that!

I want her to abolish/overthrow the monarchy!

I refuse to believe there aren’t racial elements to this movie the king paints this girl as a criminal for calling out how shit his system is and that would be perfect for our next black Disney “princess” to do (EDIT because someone got mad: I’m not calling Magnifico racist I’m talking about subtext in story writing, ashas whole motivation is gonna be about justice and how she wants better for her people)

And we’ve had other “leader” characters in the Disney Princess line, both Moana and Pocahontas are daughters of the chief the odd one out has always been Mulan so my question is… is this a Mulan situation or a Moana one?

EDIT: last night in an interview Ariana DeBose described Asha as and I quote “an all new original character with beautiful brown skin and freckles”. That to me says this will not be a Mulan situation and while I did compare Moana too, from a cultural standpoint she’s a technically a “Princess” since she always knew she’d inherit her island and still has that kind of princess privilege that characters like Tiana and Cinderella didn’t have until the end of their films. I genuinely might be in my own head here but I can’t see this ending any other way and the little hints they drop don’t seem subtle to me as both an artist and story writer

#this is again what I mean by I hate remakes especially when they’re racially manipulative #this is real culture and real world issues #TLM remake could never #disney wish #disney princess #asha #wish 2023 #Disney #theory #representation matters #it really just means a lot to me that she’s mixed even though I’m not Afro Latino I’m native white #as a mixed person especially a white passing one I’ve faced genuine racism from people telling me that if you’re half white it doesn’t count #no I’m not 1% native my birth father is a full on native man who had culture and lived on a reserve so don’t start with me lol #I’m just saying you can still feel represented by characters even when they’re not the same race as you #asha of rosas #kandiibun

[iraqueer]

.

#really does so being fun to your brain to get affirmations and compliments from strangers or friends (ie people i see frequently) more than #the family i live with. like mixed with rsd wich makes evrey criticism hold ten times the weight of a compliment means when i do get i compl #compliment from the family i live with it sounds disingenuous #like i know ill get a lecture or a passive aggressive comment so that compliment doesnt count. or i had to fish for it so it doesnt count #it makes me feel like im barely tolerable to the people i live with who see me the most in my tuest self the only reason my friends or aqu #or acquaintances dont feel that way is cuz they havent been around me enogh and eventually ill exhaist all goodwill and love that people hav #have for me until they only associate with me because of obligation. it also makes me prone to cry when someone gives me a compliment and it #it makes me scared to share this with my family becasue i feel like theyll ruin it. i tell my husband that the pediatrician says the kids a #are growing qell amd hitting theyre milestones and he sqys that she always says that and to everyone and it cheapens the compliment #people who dont live with me think im intelligent amd competant and funny and a joy to know but i dont get that fweling from my family and i #i know part of it is because of my shit brain that weights criticisms so much more strongly but a part of it is the things they say amd more #more importantly the things they dont it feels so rar that i get a compliment of any kind and i dont know if its my stupid depressed brain #making me perceive this or if its true if its a mix or if i developed this thought process because i was taught this #worst part is i dont feel shit enough to cry and get that emotional release #tldr eventually evreyone hates me and one day my kids will too hahahahahaha i physically feel pain rn lol

[13eyond13]

.

#here's some of the classics on that list i have beef with btw: #i have tried to read A Confederacy of Dunces several times and it's funny but it's also so cringe and Ignatius is so obnoxious #that i find it too difficult to finish like i just feel depressed and bad for everybody around him too much #i tried reading Infinite Jest like a decade ago and i got like 200 pages in and i remember thinking it felt like #such a slog the entire time because he's just so gd wordy and also i stopped liking DFW after i heard the abuse allegations against him #frankenstein i didnt read that long ago but i just remember finding it so boring for some reason?? i feel i might need to read it again #dracula ngl i feel like im cheating a bit saying ive completely read it because i loved the beginning and then HATED so much of the rest #the characters were just so boring and melodramatic hahaha i just liked the part where jonathan was doing a travel diary #and trapped in the castle tbh and after that i skimmed quite a bit #i almost flipped my shit when i saw ender's game on there because I ALWAYS mix it up with ready player one by ernest cline #which i bought the audiobook of a while back and hated every minute of it i dont think its good at all #but it wasnt that so phew my faith in this list is somewhat restored #i read most of the first game of thrones book and was disappointed tbh maybe because id seen the show already #so i was like 'this feels almost exactly the same except worse?' because i'd been expecting it to give me more depth and insight #into the characters but instead it felt exactly the same and i still didnt love any of the characters enough to feel attached to them #also i am fully aware me not personally liking or vibing with a book doesnt mean it doesnt deserve to be considered great btw #but i think if youre gonna be like me and force yourself to go through a bunch of lists like this very seriously then you also need to just #let yourself be like 'yeah not for me' without feeling too bad about it sometimes too #often times i dont particularly love the classics or 'important books' but at the same time #i still feel like im getting more out of reading them than just grabbing the newest hyped up books that also dont do anything for me #maybe not in a 'wow i loved reading this' way but in like a #'i now have first-hand knowledge of this thing that is so influential / so frequently referenced' #or 'this challenged me and i feel like i did a mental/emotional workout or gave me some new food for thought' #or 'made me more aware of what gaps in my knowledge and reading skills and what my tastes are too' #sort of way... #it really just depends on what you're reading for and why and what you're hoping to get out of it a lot of the time maybe #it's like the homework i give myself to go through these lists that i also intersperse with the stuff i read more just for fun #p

[borderlinegerard]

i hope i die, you broke my heart

#personal #my posts #so fucking tired oh my god #just yelled at my sister so loud that my throat is sore over a piece of fuciing plastic #sometimes ecerytbinf feels so bad and its like. what do i even do #like ok i relapse and i need a break from someone and they loose their fucking shit on me #taljing about how you always deal with my shit and youre tired of how i see you as the worst in the group #as if i didnt literally repeat to you over and over again that i love you and that i always will even when you kept denying it #all of the times youve left all the servers and the gc and all that and i was there to comfort you #theres a reason im always the person you go to #byt yeah . im neverrrr there for you #like is it just that im not there for you in the Same Way that youre there forme ?? #does it need to be completely equal to be fair #and idk. i know hes struggling too but its so fucking stupid because ive been struggling for months and i dont treat u like tjat #im tired of feeling like i have to do two times more than everyone else ro be worthy of their love #like sorry man but im fucking sick and tired #i know ill be fine without you but like youre so sick right now that i dont know what youll do without all of us #idk im just like. you used to be so kind but now youre writing your name in mu blood #and sometimes i feel bad because i didnt mean evedytbinf i said to you but lets be honest #you didnt mean everyrbinf you said either #and i dont know if you were ever the right person because a lot of the time i think we are just two chemicals that werent meant to mix #but ill always remember you when i hear that one song and im making it sound like this is some kind if goodbye but it Really isnt #but like there was a time when i would tear myself apart for you. mot even because i liked you that much #i guess i just wanted someone that liked me as much as you did??? #and when j say that it isnt even about one soecific oerson. its an amalgamation of ecery person tgat has ever loved me #a little more than they were supposed to #i think i hate ahen people love me Too Much because i dont want to be adored like that it scares me #iknow what thats like and i dont want to be someone fp Its so scary #okay if im being honest i dont know whbat the fuck im saying right mow #byt like. idk. im tired and i think im done. tbh

[buckttommy]

...

#Also: I get what Bythia was trying to go for with Jee Yun hating her name; it's not uncommon for mixed race kids with non English names #to feel out of place as they try to identify their place in the world and in their family. But instead of approaching it from that #perspective she decided to go the 'wahhh my Korean name is aBnOrMaL' route with little regard towards Jee Yun's feelings about her identity #and place in the world because she didn't even write the story from Jee Yun's perspective. She wrote it from BUCK'S. #Arguably the idea of mixed race identity is one white people shouldn't broach at all (not saying I agree with that just that it's arguable) #but Bythia did it in literally the worst way possible and did not even stop to consider the idea that? Some families? Take extra care to #make sure that their kids love and honor ALL aspects of their cultural identity BECAUSE of the insecurity and confused since of self that #comes with being mixed race in America. like? The idea that Jee Yun wouldn't have a problem with her name simply never crossed her mind #I guess because why WOULDN'T she like a pretty white American girl name? #And this is what we mean when we say racism is transparent. It really is everywhere if you just open your eyes and see it.

[imaginarianisms]

1 day i will make a meta of sansa's dynamic with her metaphorical champions/suitors & how that correlates to the ashford theory (i.e sansa being betrothed to joffrey baratheon, then promised to willas tyrell, then being married to tyrion lannister, then being married to harry hardying then married to aegon vi targaryen & aurane velaryon but it is not this day. lmao. when i make that meta it'll be so over for y'all.

#out of the galaxy. || ooc. #just know that. she never marries after aurane. btw lmao #like if he like g-d forbid ever died before she did she'd like. literally never marry or love again like. thats it lmfao #but anyway like. she has a complicated relationship w/ all of them tbh & reflects on them sometimes. #she obviously hates joffrey for him abusing her but like. she can't help but feel sad for him at times bc like. he was so young. #if he had the right people around him maybe he would've turned out okay eventually. but it didnt happen. she never met willas but sometimes #she wondered what it would've been like to be lady of highgarden but she hopes he's doing alright. her dynamic w/ tyrion is. complicated #like. he was never like openly cruel to her or anything & she's grateful to him for saving her life & standing up for her but like. #there's always that grief surrounding their families & i think she resented & mostly afraid of him at the time but in hindsight she's+ #grateful that he never hurt her or forced himself on her. harry she hardly knew unfortunately but like she disliked him at first #but then he actually seemed to warm up to her & she had him tied around her lil finger but she knows that she wouldn't like to be married+ #to a guy who actually has children w/ sb else. like. she's seen how that played out & while she wouldn't be mean it makes her uncomfortable #but especially surrounding aegon bc like. she's not naive enough to say she loved him but like. she actually LIKED him #like. while she was wary of him at first she warmed up to him & genuinely respected him as a person & most importantly aegon was her FRIEND #they got along rly well due to their similar upbringings & what they had to do to survive & like. he's actually a decent guy in canon. lmao #he's handsome & was chivalrous & honorable & sweet w/ her but also like batshit insane in a good way. like. #he was the golden prince she always wanted since she was a little girl; the prince that joffrey was supposed to be but never was. #he gave her a future as queen of westeros that was originally HERS. so when daenerys eventually executes him she has mixed feelings about i #aegon was good to her & she'd vowed not to betray him & she actually intended to keep that vow. to her she was forever in his debt+ #he gave her a future from her isolation & suffering @ winterfell bc of how much everything changed & he waited for her to love him back. #he actually showed her respect & gave her a solid future when she felt alone & abandoned & led her gently into a world of his own making+ #& gave her back her honor & a future. esp when the north was divided between jon rickon & herself. most preferred jon or rickon over her. #without aegon's intervention she probably would've had to marry some northern lord below her station. the winterfell succession crisis wild #but aurane velaryon? that's the love of her life. her bold captain. he taught her how to love & coaxed her in the sun to bloom & freed her. #freed her from the chains of her family obligations. he taught her to break the rules of tradition & follow her heart & trust her instincts #he was there with her in her darkest hour. he quite literally saved her life & defended her honor when no one else had the balls to do that #no one looks @ or touches her the way aurane does she loved him madly truly & deeply he took her girlhood in his stride but when autumn cam #she escaped & had to push him into the deepest recesses of her mind in the name of survival & pragmatism but she never stopped loving him. #& his sweet memory brought too much heartache & bittersweetness for her. she lowkey waited for him for years. & they EVENTUALLY reunited ! #he fought & got legitimized for HER. she's. so genuinely happy w/ that man. he's one of her best friends & the father to her children.