#I need to remind myself of these things to rid myself of the toxic parts of my brain | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shoceted · 11 months

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Hello, this is like... months late but you were one of the only English KeiwaxAce writers I actually liked and seeing that you've dropped the series is devastating (but understandable, they've been ruining Keiwa since Bullfighting Game and I'm devastated, on the edge of my seat and have a lot words/feelings about it too). Could I ask what was your turning point for the series? Or, I guess, what was the straw that broke your back.

If you don't feel like it, that's fine too. Thank you for sharing your Geats fics at the start of the series.

(Anonymous cuz i'm shy af but mostly because haven't used tumblr in years how does this website even work anymore help-)

firstly, this is an incredibly kind thing to say about my writing, and i appreciate it a lot! i kind of miss being that inspired — like including the ex-aid crossover i wrote, seven things??? that's impressive, actually, go me. the first 16 episodes of geats provided a lot for me to be inspired by, i guess. (i think my heart's always going to do something when i think about the phrase "the tycoon i know", tbh.)

the last straw... well, for one thing, the lack of keiwa focus after episode 19 did bug me, because he was my favorite character and i liked seeing him. people say "oh he got focus during the first dgp" but i don't think that's really the case; i went more into this on my personal twitter account, but him being the audience surrogate for the first arc doesn't mean he's the focus of those episodes. like 1-2 are establishing ace, 3-4 are establishing neon, 5-6 are establishing buffa, and then it's only 7-8 that keiwa gets focus... and he's eliminated. at the beginning of the next dgp, he's not even a contestant, he's just a device used to show the fact that being eliminated without dying gets rid of why you wished for what you wished for. it's not until episode 12 that he's even back.

now, i thought the direction they were going with him — he still wants world peace, but in a more realistic way, wanting to bring all the dead contestants back — was really good, too. and i liked him and neon both developing into characters who could trick ace by the time episode 16 comes around! (i actually still have a kace wip that i might finish someday for the sake of finishing it that takes place between episodes 16 and 17, sorta; like, i have 5k of it written and all it needs is the smut that sure is a part of it, so i might go back to it eventually? who knows.)

and thennnnn the dezastar arc starts, as does the decline in keiwa's writing.

i don't mind characters being comic relief now and then, but having a previously-serious character relegated to just comic relief doesn't sit well with me. 19 was a great episode for keiwa, and that conversation with ace he had over dinner made me lose my shit, and i foolishly thought that maybe they'd take him seriously from there on out.

but, no, they sidelined him. for 12 weeks. waiting for my favorite character to have proper focus episode for 3 straight months really bugged me, tbh, though i didn't say anything for fear of stirring the pot. and we finally get to episode 31 and he gets kicked into a pit. this made me really upset.

the fan reaction to this also didn't do me any favors; i was pissed at buffa (the character, not the actor — i do not care about mokudai kazuto in any direction, though i was accused of hating on him, which was fun) for the whole pit-kicking thing and made this clear, which i realize in retrospect was a mistake, because all of a sudden being a fan of keiwa was not the move. (and fwiw, i don't want to hate buffa; i just get a way with characters who hurt characters i love. i'm the same way about him that i am about kylo ren and sangwoo from squid game, and i do not like this trait about myself.) it reminded me of a bunch of shitty experiences i had in a toxic fandom in 2020 and 2021 that sunk me into a deep depression that it took a long time (and the existence of kamen rider revice, which a lot of geats fans abhor and make clear that they abhor, which also didn't help) for me to get out of. that's when i stopped watching geats live, at least. (i also want to state that this had nothing to do with any ship i like, not even kace. apparently people have this idea that kace enjoyers are really angry folks and it's just like... no? this isn't a popular pairing. nobody is going to get mad at you if you don't like it.)

neon's writing during this time also made me angry; i do not like any of the sponsors at all, and neon's character development coming from a man — and a man who is a toxic fan of hers, at that — didn't sit well with me. on the topic of sponsors, jean felt like forced ace shipping bait, and i didn't like his character much, either. (which also makes me feel bad, since i know the actor's such a huge fan.) it was actually him coming back, as well as punkjack's return (by all means i should adore punkjack, because am i ever a sucker for a flop musician, but nothing about his character has ever worked for me — especially since he unnecessarily flirts with tsumuri and clearly makes her uncomfortable in a setting where she can't complain about this, which, ew), that made me drop geats entirely.

the direction the writing is going right now is also not good. the misogyny of fridging sara and damsel-ing tsumuri, the way they've completely fucked up keiwa's character, it's so frustrating — i honestly want to move zero one up on my toku list for this year so that i can see if ex-aid, which famously gave me a disease, was some kind of fluke. hell, in ex-aid, we have a character who acts illogically because of his grief, and those episodes are perfect to me. doing this with keiwa 40something episodes in doesn't hit the same.

buffa's storyline was supposed to be something similar, i know, but that never worked for me either. much like punkjack, it should have. but his non-reaction to the toru jamato's death when toru's death and his anger over it is supposed to be his entire character motivation... didn't make me feel like hiiro did. his rivalry with ace is also no kaito/kouta. it feels like geats is trying to do a lot of things that worked in gaim without understanding why those things worked in gaim. (and i do hate to be an annoying gaim stan, but... come on, geats.)

maybe i'm missing something because i'm not watching every week, or maybe i just have bad taste, but all of these things piling up makes me want to have nothing to do with geats at all anymore. i've actually considered orphaning all my geats fic in frustration, but i've decided against it because that would mean interacting with my geats fics again. it wouldn't provide catharsis. i'm just done.

so tl;dr: around the dezastar arc i became frustrated with keiwa getting sidelined, the fan reaction to episode 31 as well as its contents brought up bad memories and made me stop watching live, and the return of two characters i just don't see the appeal of made me drop the series entirely.

#asks #this ended up really long so i put it under a read more lol #writers gonna write?#anyway thank you again for complimenting my writing :') i hope i can write something you enjoy in the future!#and i'm sorry if i said anything negative about a character you like in this big ramble #i know what it's like to have unpopular favorites (kaito hiiro people don't like ikki. i love ikki.)#and reading negativity makes me upset even if it's valid criticism yknow?#but yeah tl;dr at the end bc this got long

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untothebreach · 1 year

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I read this comic today, and it struck a chord for me in a familiar, bitter, sad way. There's a part where it talks about these characters having people in their lives to help them know when to rest - to force them to take care of themselves and remind them of its importance.

And something I can't help, that's plaguing me with almost all media at this point but comes out most profoundly around this topic, is the idea of a community around a person. Of close friends, confidants, of people reminding you to care for yourself or caring for you and who are close in one's life, and of having that sort of group with you that truly deeply loves and cares for and supports you through tough times like that.

My guess is it's a twisted sense of jealousy. I have always been a very jealous person, after all - it only makes sense that once I got rid of the inclination to be outwardly jealous, to lash out and scorn others because I desire something, it turns to being jealous in reverse and berating myself for what I want but don't have instead. Why do they have it and you don't? Well, instead of being mad at them, be mad at yourself for not working hard enough, or putting enough time in, or caring enough. Your relationships will suffer less - you can take on that burden, right?

I used to be a very jealous professional. I would be rampantly jealous of anyone my age or younger who was more successful, more popular, more talented in artistic fields than I was. I often blocked people on social media to prevent myself from seeing their work, even if it really was amazing, and felt deeply ashamed of myself for being further in years and somehow not putting in enough time or effort to be where they already are. It was toxic, and I've tried to put it behind me...

But it's stayed with friendships.

I'm a jealous friend. I know these inclinations are toxic, so I do my best to dissuade them - I don't need to be upset when people talk to others instead of me, or spend time with other people, or have lifes that revolve around their own interests and activities. It isn't a judgement, or a choice they are making to scorn me, and I don't need 100% of their time.

But what I HAVE stayed jealous of is connection.

I see myself as a very disconnected person. Rarely am I reached out to, or hung out with, or generally shown to have people care about me unless I do it first. Rarely do I feel like someone truly knows and gets me, or cares and wants to be around me. I have a very poor sense of community, which is something I don't think I'll ever be able to build for myself, and I generally assume I'm going to be alone for the large majority of my life - emotionally, if not physically.

Which is why posts like this hit me so specifically in such a particularly cruel, painful way. They are meant to be supportive, showing how good and loving people in your life can be and how important it is to know those around you care for you. But for someone like me, whose work is their life and whose friends seem further and further every day, these things seem more like a tantalizing fantasy than a reality. I want what they have, so desperately, and knowing I'll never achieve it I can only look inside and pick apart all the ways I drive off that sense of community and all the ways it's my fault that I'll never be someone with people around them like that.

I rarely rest unless prompted. It's hard for me. I like to keep busy, and I had it drilled into me at a young age (and reinforced aggressively in college) that if I am not working I'm useless, and if I'm standing still I'll disappear. I have no worth outside my work - in my eyes, I have no people who see me as worthwhile without what I can Do. So the idea of having someone close to me tell me to rest, to care for me enough to tuck me in, makes me honestly cry.

It's like a guilty fantasy, I'm ashamed to want it, and I'm ashamed I even dare to think I don't have it because of what that says about how I perceive my friends and my own self worth. I know I shouldn't feel this way, that I'm a failure for feeling this way, but I can't help it. I long for it, yearn for it in a way that's almost like longing for a lover. Tenderness, community, care, rest... things I don't think I'll ever really see again. Not in the way I'll ever want to.

#breachspeak #march 16 2023

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arielmagicesi · 2 years

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started rewatching She Ra because I was thinking of getting back into writing Scorfuma fic, but I just cried way too much at that episode where Catra and Adora see all their childhood memories in the weird palace hologram place, and yeah I might need to stop rewatching this show cause oof that hurts

gonna put the rest of this rant under a readmore since I veered way off of talking about She Ra and into personal shit that involves Sex Things Not Appropriate For All Eyes or whatever

also my depression is pretty shitty right now for the last... while... and I wish I had my student teaching placement... I wish I had distractions from my sexual frustration and the constant remembering of what happened with my ex and my bullies in high school which, in addition to time/money/energy constraints, is the reason why I can’t SOLVE that sexual frustration by “just hooking up with whoever”, because it’s terrifying, and too much of a risk, and might lead to me bursting into tears, and I don’t have enough of any experience or any of positive experience to make me at all confident, and I wish I didn’t WANT so bad to be with a woman because then it would not bother me. besides the societal pressures, which like... yeah, fuck societal pressures, whatever. but I also have to get rid of the shame I have around having sexual desires.

getting rid of the shame + trying to be confident + gaining more dating experiences that are positive ever??? + maybe getting some proof that somebody COULD desire me??? proof that I believe anyway, which actually that might be too big of an ask, I’m incapable of suspending my disbelief like that + getting my fucking student teaching placement so I don’t have time to think about this + since that’s not happening apparently, finding other jobs and things to fill my day + not rewatching things that make me cry + I still need to engage with things that make me feel the vulnerable things I avoid, I need to get used to seeing things that reflect the parts of myself I’m scared of + being able to even IMAGINE that someone could ever want me for real and not be lying + having an experience where I express sexual desires and I am not told that it’s creepy and toxic and problematic + constantly reminding myself of what I call Bunchian theory, which is to say, romantic relationships are not the be-all of existence and having a normative relationship is not a requirement for being allowed to exist or whatever + idk getting a vibrator or something? would that satiate my clit long enough to let me focus on things other than “when girl kiss please” + finding joy and fulfillment outside of sex and outside of interpersonal relationships so that I have things in my life that make me happy, like cooking good food and seeing interesting places and reading good books and helping others and learning new things + nurturing the good, nonsexual nonromantic relationships I already have + practicing socializing and finding queer community wherever I can in this godforsaken state sitting right next to New York City and if I have to drive to Newark or wherever the fuck to go to some community center then so be it......

anyway. I FEEL very alone in these struggles but I KNOW that I’m not the only person on earth going through this. even cool hot sexy people with positive sex memories instead of just bad ones, are also alienated and isolated in ways after COVID and social media brainrot and whatever. so. I may be alone but I’m not alone. my therapist today basically was like “Ariel ffs you keep saying you want to date people but then you don’t want to do anything that would lead to a date, and then whenever anyone presents you an opportunity you get too scared and turn it down” and yeah that’s basically it. at this point I’ve had one or two people flirt with me on dating apps, and my internal reaction is always “what the fuck are you trying to do. what do you want. I’m not giving you money. leave me alone” so... yeah. Idk. I’m still deeply ashamed of being too sexual/horny and being too dumbly obsessed with romance, which is funny because I’m like mid-tier horny when compared to the rest of humanity, and I’m if anything below-average with regards to romance obsession (outside of obsessing in a negative way), but it’s like, I feel like I’m too weird/freakish to be allowed ANY sex/romance thoughts.

feel free to reply if you have thoughts. no pressure, I just... needed to vent all this and feel less crazy

#written by me

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mirkosintern · 3 years

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Crawlin’ back to you

pairing: dabi x fem!reader

genre: smut with a lil angst and fluff if you squint

notes: reader is a member of the lov, set in the meta liberation army arc (before the war!), possessive dabi, wowee this is my first work!! I never expected myself to be able to write a piece but here we are ehehe this was inspired by a certain tiktok actually. U may have already noticed but the title is from the song do I wanna know? by the arctic monkeys<3

warnings: 18+, unprotected sex, breeding, cum play, dubcon-ish?, toxic relationship, degradation, vulgar language, alcohol

word count: 3k

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That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day Crawlin’ back to you Ever thought of callin’ when you've had a few? 'Cause I always do Maybe I'm too busy bein’ yours to fall for somebody new Now I've thought it through

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Dabi wasn’t one to do feelings. He’s screwed numerous women, but they were nothing more than some toys to fulfill his sexual needs. Neither did he want to have feelings, nor did he need to. Afterall, his side hoes who begged to stay with him even after all the degradation he’s given them disgusted him the most. He would snicker at their pathetic attempts and cut them off ruthlessly.

However, you were an only exception.

No, he did not have feelings for you, he swears he never did and never will. But you were different from his other disposable sluts--he kept you around. He didn’t ghost you, instead, he kept coming back. It is only because you’re a member of the lov as well, he thinks. You are easy to access since you’re always around the lov base, and he doesn’t even have to worry about getting caught by civilians or stupid bitches who suddenly decide to turn him into the police. You guys were practically co-workers with benefits, fuck buddies where the “buddies” part is questionable.

Dabi didn’t mind that he made an exception for you until that night. That very night where you sleepily decided to crawl into his arms after a rough round and whispered him how you loved the rough texture of his skin against yours. That very night where you pressed delicate kisses beneath his jaw. The moment of intimacy—making his heart pound and warmth spread beneath his cold skin—was threatening. You were threatening.

That’s where he cut you off completely. He did not knock on your bedroom door located in the lov base anymore. He stopped sending those “you up?” texts at 3am. He didn’t even lock eyes with you or talk to you anymore.

It feels as if something heavy dropped inside you, squashing your heart to the point where it’s painful. You try your best to ignore the pang in your chest and remind yourself that you guys were nothing more than co-workers with benefits. However, the enduring heartburn only functions to make you realize how attached you were to him. He’s Dabi, the biggest scumbag you will ever meet, what did you expect? What were you thinking? It should be no surprise this happened, right? But having to encounter his stupidly handsome face every day was not doing any help. You are a girl with dignity, you tell yourself, trying your best to ignore his strong scent of campfire and cologne drowning you every time you guys are in the same room.

The pain is suffocating you for weeks, and you finally decide to completely get over him. The night Dabi brings a bimbo to his room and fucks her loud enough for everyone in the lov to hear—for you to hear—you’re done with everything. You step outside, get drunk, do anything to numbify the pain the raven-haired guy has caused you, and even meet a nice-looking guy who seems to be interested in you.

You are doing good without Dabi.

You don’t need Dabi anymore.

You are not letting him get to your head.

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A party.

League of villains is all about privacy, but they also started having some fun after uniting with the meta liberation army. Now they had sufficient money, people and place to throw parties every now and then without the danger of getting caught by civilians. Afterall, a number of heroes were in their side as well.

“Not gonna lie, you guys do know how to host parties.” Keigo smirks, picking up a glass of bourbon whiskey. “It’s fuckin’ lame,” Dabi answers as he downs a glass of liquor.

“So, what happened with y/n?” Keigo throws a suggestive smile.

“The hell you mean what happened with her?” Dabi frowns.

“Y’know, didn’t you guys used to be a thing or something?”

“Nah, she was an occasional fuck and that’s it.”

“Oh really? The Dabi I know never fucks a same bitch twice though. I thought she was something special.”

“Special?”

“Yeah, thought maybe you actually wanted her.”

A smug grin appears on Dabi’s face. “Never even liked her.”

“Have you seen her and her new boyfriend?”

The smile is quick to vanish from his face after hearing the word boyfriend. Dabi’s eyes widen, immediately glaring at Keigo. Before he could say anything, Keigo tilts his chin to point something.

“There they are.”

Dabi turns his head only to find you clinging onto some guy’s arm. Your cheeks are flushed –a pretty, pink glow on your face—as you bat your eyelashes at the guy. Bubbly giggles escape from your lips while you stare at him through half-lidded eyes. The guy’s arm is secured around your waists, pulling you closer to him.

Dabi sees red.

His entire body freezes as his grip around the liquor glass tighten. Dabi doesn’t say anything for a moment, but there is no way Keigo wouldn’t pick up how his cerulean eyes are flaming at the sight. “Well, I thought you knew.” Keigo pats Dabi’s shoulder. “Wouldn’t matter anyways right? You never liked her.”

“…Right.” Dabi takes another sip from the liquor, his eyes still fixed to you.

Keigo’s words are true; at least they are supposed to be true. Dabi didn’t have feelings for you. He doesn’t do romance. No feelings were ever involved with any of the women he’s slept with, and he made sure of it. It was so clear for Dabi without a question.

But why is it unable for him to erase the sight of you with some guy as he forces himself to sleep that night? Why are your sweet giggles echoing his head? Why can’t he get rid of the thought of you in that tight, black dress that perfectly complements the curves of your body? Why is the moment where the guy places his hand on your inner thigh replaying in his head? Why are thoughts of you messing with his mind?

“Fucking hell.”

Dabi gets up. This was fucking annoying. You were truly fucking annoying.

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You tilt your head to check the glowing digits of your digital clock on the nightstand. 2:15am. It’s late, and you haven’t even taken off the dress you wore to the party. You are too tired both physically and emotionally. You’ve done quite a decent job in entertaining the man who’s accompanied you through the whole party, but it was truly an energy-consuming task. You and him walked around as if you guys were the happiest couple in the party; but the truth is that you guys aren’t even properly dating yet. Solely because you have constantly been refusing to properly answer him asking you to be his girlfriend. It’s not that he’s bad looking or anything, but the idea of being with him just doesn’t sit right with you. Ever since you’ve met him, he couldn’t keep his hands off you without asking you anything about consent. You always had to pull his hand away with an uncomfortable smile, yet he never took a hint. However, when a dating rumor about you and him started and spread quickly, you didn’t try to correct anything. Maybe it was because you wanted to pull out a reaction from a certain villain. Maybe your unusual actions at today’s party; clinging onto the guy and laughing at every single word he spoke; was to make Dabi witness how happy you were.

Truthfully, you were dying inside.

What was even worse was that none of your attempts seemed to bring an ounce of reaction from Dabi. When have you become so pathetic and desperate? You feel tears welling up in your eyes, hot and burning, but you don’t want to cry. Not for an asshole like him. You take out your phone, find the guy’s name, and text him that you don’t want to see him anymore. You feel a little guilty, thinking that you may have used him to provoke something from Dabi, but your thoughts are too worn out for you to comprehend anything. You flop onto your bed and bury your face in your pillow. You huff out a deep sigh, and the soft texture of your cotton pillow feels warm on your cheeks. In all honesty, you were thinking about Dabi the whole time you were at the party. Whenever the guy’s hand creeped up your thighs or gripped on your ass, you imagined it was Dabi’s, trying your hardest to feel something from the contact.

You weren’t over Dabi. You never were. Realization hurts, leaving a sour feeling in your mouth.

Your body shoots up at the sudden, loud slamming sound emerged from your door. Your teary eyes widen at the lean man slamming the door shut. “Dabi?” You ask, not believing your eyes. “What the hell are you doing here?” Without an answer, Dabi’s one hand reaches for your throat as his other hand grips your wrist. His large body is towering over you, and you feel your bed shift as he dips one knee in the mattress. His sapphire eyes pierce through your soul, and you can feel his raging anger just from looking at him.

“You’re such a pain in the ass, y’know that?”

“Dabi, what are you-“

He doesn’t let you finish the sentence, pulling you in for a heated kiss. Your lips open reflexively, enabling him to deepen the kiss. The kiss is aggressive, and he doesn’t know whether it is because of his anger or his pent-up desires towards you that he has been suppressing. The kiss gets sloppier over time, hot and wet with saliva and tongue. He lets go of the grip on your wrist and starts tracing your inner thigh with his thumb, and you let out a soft moan. You finally pull away from the kiss to catch your breath, but he doesn’t cease to caress your thigh. Instead, he lowers himself to your ear. “You seem to really love thigh touches, don’t you?” His low voice and hot breath brushing the shell of your ear sends chills down your spine.

“Huh?”

“I always knew you were a slut, but never knew you were this much of a whore. You would bend over any guy who offers you some touches, right?”

Tears swell in your eyes again at his vile words, but it’s hard to talk when his knuckles are repeatedly brushing your clit.

“I’m… not a slut…nngh.” Suppressed moans escape your lips.

“Yeah? Why are you making those sounds then?”

“Dabi…”

He yanks your dress up and dips two fingers inside your lace panties, making you let out a weak yelp. Dabi raises his brows with a smug grin on his face.

“Oh, so she indeed is a slut huh? You get this fucking wet from a kiss?”

His two digits start pumping inside you, and you grip on his white shirt at the sudden sensation. Your gasps and moans get louder, and you suddenly feel his wet lips against your neck. Dabi sucks hard, making sure to leave dark purple marks from your jaw to your neck and shoulder, as he repeats the step of curling his fingers and pulling them inside and out your hole. “Dabi…too fast.” You whine out. “Yeah?” A sadistic grin appears on Dabi’s face. “Be a good slut and take what I give you.” His thumb reaches for your clit, making your legs shiver.

“Nngh…stop, I’m gonna… Dabi I’m gonna cum.”

“Stop? You want me to stop?”

“No!”

“Do you deserve it though?” he slows his pace while teasing your clit. “Beg.”

It’s humiliating, really—but do you have any other choice when you are this close?

“Please, Dabi… I’ll be your good slut. Please let me cum!” Your desperate cries have him pumping his fingers fast again, and soon you’re seeing white. Hot drops of release coat Dabi’s fingers as he pulls out.

“Say ah.”

“A-ah.”

You obey, and Dabi sticks his digits inside your mouth. Your mouth wraps around them immediately, sucking as if it’s a pacifier. “Good girl,” Dabi says as he pats your head, and it makes your stomach swoop with sick pride.

The bulge in his pants is becoming painful, and he contemplates on fucking your mouth. But he’s too impatient; He feels the need to abuse your cunt right now. He wants to hear your screams and cries as he proves who you belong to.

“Take that off.” Dabi gestures at your dress, and you start undressing as he demands. Dabi pulls down his sweatpants and boxers, causing his cock to spring out. It’s so pretty, you think, and you can’t help but admire his red tip, glistening with precum. He pumps his length a few times and lines it up with your entrance. You inhale a sharp gasp as you feel his whole length inside you. It feels so full; it feels as if he’s gonna split you in half if he starts moving.

“Ah, too big.”

“I know.” Dabi looks down on you. “Take it like a little slut you are.”

Before you could even talk back, he is moving inside you. Your moans blend with the noise of the bed creaking; a perfectly harmonized orchestra to Dabi’s ears.

You knew Dabi wasn’t one to prep you or go slow, but you feel like he’s going way rougher than usual. His wild thrusts have your head lolling backwards, and Dabi does not miss the chance to take a hard bite on your neck. You scream out of both pain and pleasure, and you feel two hot streams of tears on your flushed cheeks.

“Aww, she’s crying.” Dabi says in a mocking tone. “Bet you love the pain.”

Humiliation fills your chest and you turn your head away, but Dabi quickly grabs your chin with one hand, forcing you to directly face him.

“Who’s the one making you feel this full?” he asks.

“Y-you.”

“Did he ever make you feel this way?”

Wait, he? Who does he mean by he? Your alleged boyfriend? Could it be possible that Dabi was doing this out of jealousy? You try to comprehend, but it’s impossible for you to think clearly, not when Dabi is fucking you stupid. “No!” You shout.

Dabi’s free hand reaches for your clit and starts rubbing circles. “Tell me, who does this pussy belong to?”

“You…” You try to answer, but he suddenly lifts up your lower body and slams into your cervix in the right angle. It has you moaning even louder, your insides spasming around his cock.

“I can’t hear you.” He smirks sadistically.

“You, Dabi, it belongs to you! I belong to you!” You’re screaming his name like it’s the only word you know, making his cock twitch. “That’s right. You are all for me, all for me to use. Just a pathetic little slut for my cock.” A satisfactory grin appears on Dabi’s face.

Dabi lowers his body down and grunts directly into your ear as he thrusts even faster. The sound of his skin slamming into yours is so erotic, and you can feel how close you are.

“You wanna cum huh?” His words have you nodding frantically, babbling incoherent words. Yes Dabi—wanna cum so bad—wanna be yours—wanna be your good girl—please, dabi.

“Then do it. Make a mess on my cock.”

“Nngh, Dabi!” You scream out his name as euphoria washes down your body. His release follows you soon enough, painting your walls white. You feel warmth filling your belly while his groans echo in your ear. You’re still sobbing and panting after he pulls out, without any energy left to move. As your blurry vision starts getting clearer, you feel his warm skin and the sting of his cold staples against your back. His long arms wrap around your oversensitive body, pulling you closer to him.

“You’re messing with my head.” Dabi rests his forehead on the back of your shoulder.

“Huh?”

You’re confused, but Dabi doesn’t elaborate. His ego doesn’t let him do such thing.

“When you said you belonged to me, did you mean it?”

You bite your lower lip, not knowing how to respond to his sudden question. Millions of unspoken words and feelings are hanging in the back of your throat, creating a huge lump. You swallow them all and spit out a question instead. “Do you want me to belong to you?”

“Yeah.” Your eyes widen at his unexpected response, butterflies fluttering inside your chest. “Be mine.” His low voice vibrates against your soft skin. Your heart melts at his words, and you cannot stop your feelings from overspilling anymore. At that moment you both realize; you and Dabi were meant to crawl back to each other, no matter how hard you both try and struggle.

“I’m yours.” You smile, “I’m all yours.”

#dabi x reader #dabi x y/n #dabi smut #bnha x reader #bnha smut #mha x reader #bnha x y/n #touya x reader #touya x y/n #todoroki touya x reader #dabi #todoroki touya #dabi lemon #bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #dabi fanfic #dabi fic

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headheartbellarke · 3 years

Text

HOME | Charlie Gillespie

Requested by anon: "Hi! If request are open can you do a charlie imagine where him and the reader (she/her) met on a project a while back and have been friends for a while, but the reader kinda had a crappy home life so she gets overwhelmed by charlies family being so loving and perfect and she basically breaks down and feels like she doesn’t fit in and isn’t good enough for him? please and thank you so much, ur writing is amazing!!!"

PAIRING(s): Charlie Gillespie x fem! reader

WARNING(s): mentions of abuse, trauma, anxiety, angst, fluff

WORDS: 2,036

SUMMARY: charlie takes co-star and girlfriend y/n home for christmas but that leads to self doubt in her (im so bad at these) [note: this takes place in 2021]

As Charlie pulls out the key from the ignition, I sigh, wringing my hands nervously. He unbuckles his seatbelt and faces me, giving me a bright, happy smile.

“My family is so excited to meet you.” He says, reaching forward to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.

“What if they hate me?” I whisper.

My boyfriend, Charlie, and I first met on the set of Charmed – we were both in the first episode, but I left it after that due to scheduling conflicts with my other show, Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. I had been a part of CAOS since its first episode – I played the role of Sabrina’s cousin, Sarah Spellman.

Back then, we were just friends. After I left Charmed, we would text and call each other occasionally. Whenever we were in the same city, we would meet up – but that was hard considering we both had quite different lives. So, we didn’t think of each other as more than friends – sure I thought that he was attractive, but that’s it.

But, in 2020, after CAOS was cancelled, I got a call from the casting director of Julie and The Phantoms: she was the one who had previously cast me in CAOS, and she believed that I’d be perfect for the role of Julie’s British cousin who joins her school after her parents relocate to LA – I also play Reggie’s love interest.

I texted Charlie immediately after my manager finalized all the details for the new role. He had been excited and when shooting started in 2021, we were pretty inseparable.

After a few weeks, I had developed a major crush on him ad the rest of the cast had also picked up on that. They were also convinced that Charlie liked me (which I didn’t believe at that time but later found out that it was, indeed, true) and they used to tease us about it all the time. Finally, a couple weeks before production ended, he asked me out on a date and it’s been really, really great so far.

We’ve been dating for about nine months now and honestly, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He’s my home – all my life I’ve always felt lost, but I feel like I truly belong with him.

Now, he laughs. “Baby. I promise you – they already love you. My mother’s been bugging me to bring you home ever since we started dating, and you’ve already met Megan, and she loves you.”

“If you say so.” I say, still not convinced.

He grins and we get out of his car and face his childhood home. I take a deep breath, shaking off my nerves. He knocks three times on the front door, and it opens immediately after.

A petite, blonde woman steps out, with a wide smile on her face. She opens her arms as Charlie yells, “Mamacita!”

“Mon chéri. Ça fait trop longtemps!”

“Je vous ai manqué!”

I have absolutely no idea what they are saying, but the scene in front of me is so heart-warming. Charlie’s mother is genuinely happy to see her son – one can tell by the way she’s holding him, almost like he’s a little child. Charlie is quite a couple inches taller than her, but he’s nestled his face into her shoulder.

I can’t stop a grin from breaking out on my face. It’s honestly rather lovely. But I also feel a slight pang in my heart knowing that no one ever greets me like this when I go home.

They separate from each other and she squeezes his shoulders, looking at him with so much love that I have to look away. I have never seen a mother look at their child like that, with such intense love. That’s dumb, I know. Mothers are supposed to love their children. But all my mother ever looks at me with is disappointment, anger, disgust, and – you get it.

She notices me next and claps her hands. “You must be Y/N!”

“Hi, Mrs. Gillespie. It’s so nice to meet you!” I extend a hand toward her.

“Aw, come here! You’re gorgeous.”

She pulls me in for a hug too, and for a moment I’m engulfed by the smell of white musk and the feeling of warmth.

We pull apart and I smile at her, genuinely. All my anxiety has washed away.

“My son is always talking about you, about how pretty you are and –”

“Let’s go inside!” Charlie quickly cuts her off, eyes widened as I laugh.

“But I wanna know what he says!”

Mrs Gillespie winks at me as Charlie turns scarlet. “I’ll tell you when he’s gone.”

***

Another roar of laughter erupts around the dinner table.

Honestly, I’ve never seen a family like this – a family so connected, so loving. All of Charlie’s siblings – from his three older brothers to his little sister are here for Christmas Eve, and all of them are teasing each other, telling childhood stories, and just having the best time. I was, too. That was until I suddenly realized how I don’t fit in here.

Everyone here grew up completely different than I did. When I was young, about two years old – my dad left my mom and I for another woman. I haven’t seen him since – although, he sends me a postcard and some money on holidays and birthdays. He’s travelling around the world with his new wife and is apparently ‘happier than he’s ever been.’

The reason he left is because kids ‘freak’ him out and he isn’t ‘ready’ for that kind of responsibility. I mean, it wasn’t like he was fifteen when he had me: he was twenty-seven, and already married to my mother for about two years then.

Naturally, my mother blames me for her divorce. I was born out of an accidental pregnancy, so my mother made sure to remind me every day that I was unwanted, and my birth was what ‘pushed’ him to leave us. Every single day, my mother told me that I shouldn’t have been born, that I was a mistake, that I was worthless, unlovable and so, so many more horrible things. She used to drink like crazy, and if I accidentally faced her in that state, she would sometimes hit me.

Years and years of abuse and all that childhood trauma led me to develop a fear of abandonment, trust issues, intimacy issues, anxiety, and depression. Throughout school, I had been closed off, unable to form relationships and friendships with other people. I had feared anything and everything – I couldn’t even maintain eye contact with people.

Of course, when I auditioned for CAOS and moved away to LA, away from that toxic environment, I got help and turned my life around. (My mother was incredibly happy to see me go since she had married another guy and now has a family with him – so I was the only thing left that reminded her of my father.) I learnt to accept, prioritize, and love myself – but I’m still working on that, of course.

But, I know, deep down, no matter how well I am, or how happy I am – there will always be a part of me that’s broken. I’ve grown to accept that, accept the fact that I’ll always carry the trauma with me.

But Charlie doesn’t. He’s lived a good life, and he deserves someone who can give him their everything – and that’s not me.

As much as I hate to say it, I’m not good enough for him.

He senses a change in my demeanour and squeezes my hand under the table. I give him a weak smile.

***

“Y/N/N, what’s wrong?”

I look up at my boyfriend. He has a look of concern on his face as he takes a seat next to me on the couch.

I sigh into the quiet. Everyone has fallen asleep, except Charlie and I – we are seated in his living room in front of the fireplace.

“Nothing. I’m just really tired.”

“That’s not true, Y/N. You were fine throughout dinner – oh my god, it’s the ice cream, isn’t it?”

“What?”

“The pistachio ice cream that Maman made. It was weirdly bitter, eh? It’s okay, you can tell me.”

I purse my lips. “No, Charlie. The ice cream was great.”

“Are you sure? You’ve been down since desert.”

“It’s not the ice cream, babe.”

“Okay, then, what is it?”

He looks at me expectantly, and I can sense that he’s feeling anxious.

“I just – I realized that I don’t fit in.”

He furrows his brows, but before he can say anything, I start speaking again. “Charlie, you have such a loving and perfect family. And you know how I grew up. What I went through. So, you know that I’m not used to this. I’m not – I’ve never seen love like this in a family, you know. And I don’t fit in here! While your mother was being so nice to me, I kept wondering when she’s going to scream at me. Or when your father was genuinely interested in me, I kept thinking that maybe he’s trying to find a way to get rid of me. It’s just – it’s just the way I grew up, and I’ll always be like this, Char. Your family is so nice, and it shocks me, honestly. And I think that maybe it’s better if you date someone who grew up the way you did, someone who’s like you. Because I have been broken my whole life, and I don’t think that I can give you everything that you need. I don’t think I’m good enough for you. You’re the best person that I’ve ever met, and I think you should be with someone who’s worthy of you.”

I whisper the last part, and feel a teardrop fall into the space between my collarbones. I look down because I’m too afraid of what he might say.

I hear him breathe out heavily and I feel him take my hands in his.

“Don’t you ever say that.”

“But it’s true –”

“Y/N. Don’t you dare doubt yourself. You are good enough. No, you’re perfect. You’re the strongest woman I know. I completely understand why you feel what you’re feeling right now.”

He scoots closer to me and cups my cheeks in his hands. “And it’s okay. It’s okay to feel that way. It’s okay to feel shocked. That doesn’t make you a bad person, nor does it make you not good enough. In fact, it makes all the stronger – you went through so much as a kid, and still, you have space in your heart for me. You know, I never doubt the fact that you love me, ever. Because you always make me feel special, make me feel good about myself and always make sure that I’m happy. You always go out of your way to take care of me, and you always make me feel at home. I don’t want anyone other than you. I love you so much and I never, ever wanna lose you.”

I think I’m fully crying now, as Charlie continues, “It’s okay to feel that way. Take your time. But I’m never leaving you. You’re my person, and you’ll always fit in with me, baby. Always.”

“Charlie…”

I look at him properly, and I can see the pain in his eyes as a tear traces along the curve of his cheek. He sniffs, saying, “I’m sorry. I just can’t imagine being with anyone other than you.”

“Why are you so good to me?” I whisper, my throat still tight from the emotions.

“Because you deserve someone good, and I can only hope that I’m good for you.”

I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in his shoulder as a sob escapes my body. “I’m so sorry, baby. So, so sorry.” I keep whispering that, while he rubs my back, saying ‘it’s okay.’

“I love you so much, Charlie. Honestly, thanks for being so good to me. You have no idea what you mean to me.”

I can feel him smile as he says, “I think I have a pretty good idea, yeah.”

***

jatp requests are open <3

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arhvste · 4 years

Text

next stop iwa-chan!

“i traded a thousands nights, for just one with you, i been catching feelings over you and i hope you catch them too, i been going crazy over you and i hope you’re crazy too”

CHAPTER CONTINUES UNDER THE CUT

the boy was good in the kitchen to y/n’s surprise as he helped expertly cut vegetables and help cook them off while y/n boiled the noodles and fried the meat.

even though it was something that should've been a normal thing to do, both y/n and iwaizumi couldn't help but feel butterflies inside at the thought of doing something domestic together in the comfort of one of their own homes. the idea of what it would be like to be married even entered iwaizumi’s head for a brief 5 minutes before he shook it off and reminded himself that they were taking things slow.

y/n on the other hand knew that iwaizumi had wanted to take things slow because of a previous bad relationship. she didn't know the ins and outs of what had happened and she didn't want to pressure him to tell her, but she too was beginning to struggle with suppressing her feelings. she would tell herself it was nothing more than a crush but she knew she’d be lying. she genuinely liked the boy and she was in deep, not that she’d ever admit it out loud though.

40 minutes later and the cooking was done as the two admired their work.

y/n laughed as she brought the crockery over to the dining table.

“this was a team effort, if it tastes bad that's all on you.”

they sat down and said their thanks before beginning to eat.

iwaizumi was warm on the inside. eating something they had made together only made his heart pick up the pace a little.

he stopped to glance at the girl in front of him who looked as if she was enjoying her meal.

he’d called her pretty before just as a general compliment as form of teasing but she really was beautiful. the fact that he began to like her even before he had a clue of what she looked like fuelled his fondness of her.

it wasn't even just her appearance that had him hooked, y/n wasn't like any other girl he’d met before. he was an attractive guy, he knew this, he had girls approach him in the past but none of them really took his interest and iwaizumi found himself having to consciously speak politely to them. it wasn't like that with y/n though. she could take his banter and give it back just as quick, she wasn't judgemental and didn't push him to talk to her about things he didn't want to.

“i know you said you wanted something pretty to look at but now you’re just straight up staring.”

iwaizumi snapped out of his gaze and locked eyes with a smirking y/n.

“can’t help it when you look the way you do.”

y/n let out an airy laugh as she began to clear up the table and leave everything in the kitchen as they finished, iwaizumi following behind carrying other pieces to bring back to the kitchen.

“we can just chat on the couch or something, i don't know what’s on tv right now, netflix won't work cause the wi fi’s down.”

“so no netflix and chill then?”

y/n turned to the boy and gave him a serious look.

“best behaviour remember?”

“yes ma’am.”

the two sat on the spacious couch and relaxed into the soft furniture.

a casual conversation picked up between the two and they found themselves laughing and chatting carelessly as the hours drained away. time would fly past whenever the pair were together, both of them secretly wishing the hours were longer.

it was now 11:48pm and the atmosphere was nowhere near empty between the two. without even realising, they’d inched closer and closer as they spoke until y/n found her knees touching iwaizumi’s. she smiled as she noticed. she naturally gravitated towards his personality and now it seemed she naturally gravitated towards him physically too.

“what are you smiling about?”

“you.”

“me?”

“yeah you. you make me smile.”

iwaizumi blushed slightly at the girl’s blunt words.

even though they hadn't even known each other for even a month, iwaizumi felt like he knew the girl, like he’d been with her for years, she was so easy to be around and let his guard drop a little.

“hey thanks.”

y/n raised an eyebrow and looked up.

“for what?”

iwaizumi sighed quietly and took y/n’s hands into his own.

“for being patient. i know i said i wanted to take things slow but you really do make me happy. my last relationship was... difficult. it didn't end well and it was toxic from the start i should've seen it coming. you make me want to give relationships a second chance.”

the girl gently squeezed iwaizumi’s hands as he looked into her pretty eyes.

“again, i won't ask you what happened, i’ll let you tell me in your own time, but for what its worth, i will never make things difficult for you.”

to this, iwaizumi laughed.

“it’s a little late for that y/n.”

“how?”

the boy looked away before edging towards y/n a little closer.

“because, all these emotions you make me feel, they’re almost foreign to me, it’s difficult for me to understand them.”

so that was it.

“if i’m the one making it difficult, then let me help make things easier.”

y/n pulled herself into iwaizumi’s lap and cupped his face while staring into his wide eyes softly. she ghosted her fingers over his cheek bones and hummed in satisfaction at his defined features. Iwaizumi’s hands hand snaked around her waist securing her in her position.

y/n sighed lightly before leaning in and grazing her lips over iwaizumi’s tickling his slightly. sick of holding back iwaizumi couldn't take the anticipation any longer. swiftly removing one arm from around her waist, he cupped one hand on y/n’s cheek and pulled her down on to him pressing a firm and desperate kiss to her. she gasped in surprise and iwaizumi took this opportunity to deepen the kiss with nothing but a need for y/n to feel the emotions he had been holding back from her.

y/n moved her hands and wrapped her arms around his neck as the kiss turned lazy but still full of emotion. a soft, pure love was translated through the kiss as y/n began to pull away to catch her breath only to press soft and delicate butterfly kisses to the boys face.

“did that make things any easier?”

“i was trying to be on my best behaviour and you ruined it.”

y/n hummed as she pressed one last kiss to him before resting her head into his chest.

“you’re glad i did really.”

iwaizumi wrapped his arms around y/n pulling her closer into him.

“that did make things a little easier though.”

y/n looked up and smiled.

“good. sometimes i’m not sure if i’m always getting what i’m feeling across to you properly, that seemed like a good way to do it.”

“if that’s your way of telling me your emotions i may have to act even more insensitive.”

the girl laughed and playfully slapped the boy’s arm before cuddling back into his broad chest.

“minus 2 y/n points.”

“i like you. and not even just a little bit anymore.”

yeah, the two wanted to take things slow but maybe bokuto and the other’s were right. if it was meant to be then things just couldn't be forced to slow down. y/n and iwaizumi had crossed paths in such a spontaneous way, neither could even think to prepare for what emotions would flood when they had started to get involved with one another.

“i won't ask you to be my girlfriend, not just yet, there's still things i want to learn about you, for you to learn about me, but believe when i say i want to be serious about you, i want to try with you, i want you. just give me a bit more time but i promise some day soon, you’ll be my girl but i want to be the best i can for you and right now i’m still figuring things out. i want you when i’m happy with myself.”

y/n couldn't help but let the glowing smile on her face break out.

“a little selfish aren't we?”

“yeah i am, only for you though.”

y/n loosely wrapped her arms around iwaizumi’s neck before looking into his sincere and genuine eyes.

“well, when you’re happy with yourself and have things figured out, i’m yours for the taking, until then, let’s figure this all out together at our own pace. it’s clear neither of us want to force things to go at a slow pace but naturally i agree it’s best we learn a little more about each other before making anything official. i like you and i know you like me, we have all the time in the world to stick a label with commitments on us so i don't mind taking things as they come.”

iwaizumi let out a sigh of relief as he pulled y/n into his chest as he pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head.

“you know, maybe i am glad shittykawa decided to bother you at the train station that day.”

“yeah? i’m glad too.”

enough had been said between the pair. they weren't ready for an actual relationship just yet, but iwaizumi felt excited about the idea of eventually getting to call y/n his officially. all he had to do was get rid of his insecurities and doubts from his last relationship so he could be the best version of himself for the girl who makes him want to do that. he had spent hours wondering if y/n felt the same unexplainable emotions as he did and tonight he knew he could rest easy knowing that she was in just as deep as him.

he was catching feelings over her and he’d hoped she’d caught them too.

whatever stars had heard his wishes, he said a silent thanks as the two drifted off to sleep there on y/n’s couch limbs tangled together.

this was only the start, but both of them slept with a few butterflies in their stomachs as they dreamt about what was yet to come, pulled in close together as they slept under the clear twinkling stars above the skylight in y/n’s apartment.

next stop iwa-chan!

iwaizumi haijime x reader

masterlist

an - both y/n and iwa are in deep

akaashi’s playgroup || two pretty setters and co

part 17 - admit it

part 18 - i hope u catch them too

part 19 - whatever we are

PLEASE SEND AN ASK TO BE ADDED TO TAGLIST

taglist : @crushingonsuga @bloody-bella @totorosleaff @kageyamasbabygorl @cuddlyroger @hidden-otaku-stuff @vanilla-beanzz @macchiatoast @kac-chowsballs @anime-read-write-repeat @missalienqueen @bbkiyoomi @toaster-stick @nerdynstoned @otaku-fangirlse @the-third-wall @nekomateammanager @bokutoichigo @killlerqween @queen-of-the-trash-planet-tm @doggonudez @iwaizluv @angrylittlezizi @softmultistan @lifesciencesbois @itsmattsunshinehere @haikyus1mp @bringmelily @valrubiii @saturnfarie @oyaoyaoya-chan @ack-aashi @weebymaria @introvertatitsfinest @rd-crew @strawberryyymiaa @a-fucking-simp @chokomoko @iwachanswh0re @maybesoph @leviathans-watching @loser-keiji

#iwaizumi haijime #iwaizumi x you #iwaizumi x reader #iwaizumi smau #haikyuu smau #haikyuu!!#haikyuu #next stop iwa chan

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joonsgalaxy · 4 years

Text

true care |07.5 (m)

→ pairing: bodyguard!Jungkook x female reader

→ genre: fake dating au, fluff/romance, angst, smut

→ word count: 2.3 k

• summary: your (endearingly) shy bodyguard—hired by your father—would do anything for you. even though you roll your eyes at his persistence and pretend there’s no need for him to follow you to every and any place you go, there might be many more hazards in your life than you let on. and you might end up needing him in more ways than you—or your father—would ever think.

! warnings: mentions of toxic past relationship throughout the series; mentions of guns, alcohol

↠ chapter 7.5: you’re my painkiller

chapter list

a/n: it’s been a whileee. i know. this chapter is kind of an introduction to the 8th one. or basically a part of it. i just really really wanted to post something. i’m rusty. hope it’s not too bad. love, kyu

Jeongguk had run it in his mind a million times before. He hadn’t been counting exactly, but he was almost certain the number was rather accurate. He had explored all of the possible scenarios, all of the hazardous circumstances that could occur in various surroundings. That was what he ought to carry out as a bodyguard. And that was how his brain worked anyways.

He’d think a lot, calculating his every step in all those imaginary situations. Perhaps, he’d overthink a lot, but to be fair it only seemed to be an appropriate trait of his personality for this kind of a job. Fact is, you can never particularly know in what kind of a mess you’d end up. He was obliged to be prepared for anything. He was being paid for it. Well, not only for that, apparently. Jeongguk also had to pretend to be your boyfriend, at least around your friends.

But this night wasn’t about that, not anymore...

He was embarrassed. Deeply embarrassed. He had been before—when you saw the neighbourhood he was living in for the first time—and he was now—when it was the second time of you being here. This time, though, it was eminently different. This time you were inside the house. Inside his humble apartment. Sure, he’d move to another place soon (thanks to the rewarding job), but for now he couldn’t offer you much, except the view of the old playground for kids through the window and a cup of coffee that was probably at least three times cheaper than you were used to having. You refused the offer of coffee, though. And Jeongguk had no idea if you were being honest, when you said it would only magnify your anxiety. Perhaps everything that Jeongguk owned wasn’t good enough for you. It only made sense.

Is there anything he can help you with? ‘Yeah,’ you said. ‘I’d like to change—these clothes stink.’

He'd never think that you, by your own will, would express the eagerness to come to his place. Would borrow his clothes for the night without a smidgen of hesitation. This was rather... peculiar. Unexpected. Not in a bad way. Certainly not. This small apartment, where he spent his tolerable and not so tolerable days in, was the place you'd try and find some solace at. At least for the night. And that meant something, right? Had to.

'I don't want to go home,' without any effort, it seemed, of hiding the anguish within you, you let Jeongguk know your immediate thought once the incident was over. You had already given your statements to the authorities, and Jeongguk could see how drained you were from all that had been occurring that evening. 'Can we go to yours?'

He was taken aback by the request. Please, you added, when he found himself hesitating.

He couldn't say no to your soft voice and jaded eyes. Perhaps he should've.

And yet, here you were. There was no going back now.

As you were sitting there in his own shirt and sweatpants, he thanked God everything ended well that night. He wasn't sure how he'd be feeling now if anything had gone wrong. If anything bad had happened to you. There shouldn't be any kind of sentiment involved in this job, sure, but hell, Jeongguk was certain he'd lose his damned mind if anyone hurt you in any way. And not only because it would mean he failed at his responsibility to protect you, but also because... he was smitten. Kind of pathetic, if you think about it. Ridiculous, really, for he'd only met you a few weeks back.

The sigh you let out whipped him back to reality.

'I'm fine... you're fine... Mr. Ri is completely fine,' you said; the words were laced with certain kind of confusion, as if it wasn’t true. 'And still, there's this unpleasant feeling in me. I can't get rid of it.'

Jeongguk was sitting across the room from you. And even though his studio apartment was tiny and there wasn't much space between you two, his feet were itching to move even closer to you. He wished he knew how exactly he could comfort you.

'It's... disgusting. And all over me.'

It was so quiet. Unusually quiet in the room. Not even the annoying buzz of mowing the lawn could be heard. Nor the roars of cars pulling into the parking lot. It was as if the world around you needed to take a break too.

The walls in the building were basically paper thin. Jeongguk could usually hear some sort of sound at any given time of the day. The clatter of dishes in someone’s sink; the vexed parent reprimanding their child; the friction between a couple coming to life in a form of a loud quarrel. And sometimes it would comfort him in a way. Remind him of how diverse the world really is. Of how many different stories are unfolding around him. Just how many various things people have to deal with, all of them just as important. Quite humbling.

Even though it was silent at the moment, he didn't miss the sounds. The only thing he was certain he would miss when you leave his apartment, was your voice.

'Honestly? I'm glad I'm not home right now. I would most definitely lose my mind. My dad...' Anxiously, your fingers toyed with the hair tie on your wrist. Pulling, releasing, pulling, releasing. 'He would be asking me a million questions. Or he would just straight up avoid me.' Over and over, your skin was slapped with the result of your distress. Jeongguk wondered if you even felt it. Felt the sting of the stretchy thing making contact with your soft skin. Perhaps it was numb.

It was something you'd do a lot when being fretful—repeat certain movements absentmindedly. He'd seen it during the party; the night you looked breath-taking, the night you forced him to sit at the same table as you, even though it was not planned by the event organisers. He would still look back on it from time to time. Still was wondering why you did that exactly.

'You know, I think I've mentioned this before, but I've gone through something similar in the past. The reason behind my disagreement on my bodyguard carrying a gun with him...'

Jeongguk couldn't remain still on the chair while you were in such an emotional turmoil. He shot up from the seat and crossed the room, gingerly plopping down on the bed right beside you. And though he deliberately left some space between you two, his hand dared to land onto yours; he carefully set it aside from your wrist that could already be seen irritated by the hair tie.

You glanced at him, and the look in your eyes was rather soft, grateful perhaps. Even so, Jeongguk drew his hand back, placing it in his lap. He would sooner slam his head against the door than make you feel uneasy by his close proximity. You already seemed so fragile.

'We don't have to talk about it if you're not ready,' he assured you, when you stayed silent for a few another seconds.

'During your service,' you said after a while, 'did you see lots of violence?'

'There wasn't much during training. Though, I went on a couple missions that could be classified as pretty serious, I guess.'

'Were you scared?'

He thought about it for a moment, let the silence hang in the air akin to a fog above fields in the mornings. He figured there was no point in hiding anything. 'Yeah. There were moments I was terrified.'

Gently, in a shy manner you ran a hand across his duvet on the bed. 'How did you deal with it?'

For him, this felt deeply intimate. Almost inappropriate. You were finding out about his personal stuff in his own apartment. Your skin was touching the fabric he would later tuck himself into. And the necessity to ignore the closeness for the sake of both of you was crushing him.

'I kept reminding myself of what I was there for. I tried to turn deaf ear to the emotional side of myself. To use the rational one.'

'Did it work?'

'Sometimes.' Jeongguk shrugged. 'There were moments I almost lost it. There were moments I watched someone else losing it. Those missions... They were not for the faint hearted. But no,' seeing the worried look on your face, he quickly added, 'it wasn't all guns and death, don't get me wrong. Mostly waiting, watching, hiding, holding one's breath. Well, that one because of all the smoking other guys did.'

He saw a faint smile flicker upon your lips. That made his heart warm.

The boy could tell there were a bunch of messy, hurtful things happening to you in your seemingly ideal life. And he could also tell that a handful noxious thoughts were tormenting that mysterious mind of yours. He had a feeling you were your worst enemy, as cliché as it might sound.

You were a private person, didn't let just anyone in, so he could only see the tip of the iceberg.

'You didn't pick up smoking then?'

'Nah.' Jeongguk should his head. 'Not because it's gross,' he felt the need to add, 'or that I think I'm above all that. Quite the opposite, to be frank with you. I know if I start smoking, I may never stop.'

'Oh?' You looked a little surprised. 'Your will, to me, seems to be made of titan.'

A corner of Jeongguk's lips twitched in an ironical smile.

'In a way, it certainly is. But I'm only human. I've seen the strongest men get hooked up on that shit, like finishing the whole pack of smokes in two hours and then losing their mind over the fact that there's none left. The withdrawal and the stress that came with it made them vulnerable, they lost their vigilance. You need to stay sharp at all times on this kind of job. I need to stay sharp on this kind of job.' He vaguely gestured toward you. 'So yeah, maybe I have the will not to pick up smoking, even if it could help me feel nice for a moment, but my body isn't addiction-proof, and that's when it gets tricky.'

There was a gentle nod from your side of the bed. 'It's good to be able to admit that to yourself. Not everyone can do that, even if it doesn't seem that complicated.'

'That's true.'

Jeongguk saw you getting lost in thought for a second. Then you chuckled in a derisive way; you were mocking yourself. The sound made the boy's heart ache a little. 'All that talk about you being in the military...' you began, 'and you're working for me now. Like who honestly cares what I've been through, when there are people such as you, responsible for mine and others' safety? You risk everything. For others. My God.' A sigh escaped your lungs. Jeongguk didn't know what to say. Who cared about what you've been dealing with? He did. But he wouldn't tell you that. Not now. This was already getting too personal. 'Most of the time I feel lost, and I feel this sadness just kind of sitting there on my shoulders, and... do I even have the right to feel this way? My life is pretty much perfect.'

'Nobody's life is perfect,' Jeongguk reminded you, adding, 'You have every right to feel. No matter what sort of feeling comes over you. No matter when or where. It's only natural. You’re only human, too.’

‘Yeah. I just feel like...’ You hesitated. ‘Like I don’t possess control over anything in my life anymore.’

Jeongguk exhaled a long breath. Decided to try and lighten the mood up. ‘You know you’ve still got control over me.’ He was your father’s employee after all.

You snorted with laughter. A success.

‘Just give me any order and I’ll do it.’

You looked at him almost challengingly. ‘Any order, huh?’

Jeongguk nodded, innocently.

It didn’t take much time for his mind to go back to the night of pure indecency between you two. It hit him like a train. All the orders uttered by your soft, slightly tipsy, yet remarkably alluring voice. All the risky and obscene actions he did there right beside you in the back seat of your car.

He felt his cheeks bloom in red.

Were you thinking about the same things as him right now?

The playful smile on your face morphed into one that didn’t seem as obvious, but Jeongguk thought it certainly looked just a dash more wicked. ‘Yeah?’

Even if his heart was starting to pound in his ears, and even if he knew there definitely was a possibility he would appear as a total idiot, he answered, ‘Yeah.’

Everything felt still in the moment that came after. What now? Was he a bad person for secretly wishing you would ask him to do something filthy again? For wishing he could feel that same adrenaline rush once again? Was he a bad employee?

There was a shift in the air. He watched your smile falter. And then your eyes, as captivating as ever, followed their way from Jeongguk’s orbs to his lips.

He thought his heart would jump right out of his throat.

‘Then kiss me.’

#jungkook x reader #armiesnet #bts fic #jeon jeongguk #jungkook fluff #jungkook smut #jungkook angst #bts fanfic #bangtan fic #jungkook scenarios #bodyguard au #bts fanfiction #jungkook series #bts series

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sailordiavolo · 3 years

Text

suicide prevention month 2021 - things that helped me stay alive

i heard that this month is suicide prevention month in the united states. as someone who’s struggled for many years with suicide myself, and is currently in the mystical “better place”, i feel it’s my duty to open this can of worms. i am unafraid of the stigma that comes with discussing such things.

i’ll go over things that helped me to cope during dark times. these may also apply to being depressed in general (?) because no offense but “drinking water” doesn’t help as much as google seems to think it does. note that these aren’t be all end all solutions, more like techniques that helped me to stay sane on some of my worst days.

1. get rid of everything that’s an immediate danger to your health.

if you’re actively a danger to yourself, safety-proof your home. don’t keep sharp objects lying around, or anything dangerous of the like. get rid of anything toxic or chemical, and don’t keep medicines in excess.

2. if you can’t make yourself happy, try to mildly amuse yourself instead

thinking “happy thoughts” doesn’t really work for me, especially if i’m in the throes of a depressive episode. i do have many things that make me happy, but i seem to forget about all of them in dark times. that being said, really dumb jokes get me every time. if i can make myself laugh, smile or chuckle, i’ve already made it 10 times easier for myself. and if i can do that, usually it’s easy to make myself forget about the original reason i was upset in the first place.

dear reader, i don’t know what would count as “mildly amusing” to you, but here’s some things that work for me.

i have a self care playlist on youtube. mine’s pretty dumb, but making a playlist like that of things that you find entertaining or amusing might help. another amazing one is distantcry’s worst beat ever collection.

very specific songs that really get me going include metrostation’s shake it, botdf’s bewitched, rm’s expensive girl, and she past away’s ruh.

3. do some self care activities

self care is very very important. when you feel like you’re absolute worst, that’s a free pass to be as selfish as you need to be until you feel better. no job, no person, no drama is worth dying over. all of that can wait until after you’re finished what you’re doing. if you’re not really sure what to do as self care activities, i’ll list some suggestions.

take a hot bath, if possible. if you have the resources, add bubbles, flower petals, bathe salts or candles. i did this the other day and sat in the bath and ate crumpets. it was amazing. if not, have a steaming hot shower. (i know it’s hard to find the energy, but it’ll help, i promise)

watch your favourite childhood show, or your favourite show at the moment, or play a video game.

sleep all day, or take the day off.

eat your favourite food, or the best food available to you right now.

spend some money if you have it. personally, i never spend all my money in a week, i save some in case i have a panic attack or something so then i can spend money on something totally random to make myself feel better.

change up your appearance. i usually end up cutting my hair short or randomly dying it, but this can also mean dressing in a way that makes you feel good, painting your nails, or doing your makeup.

4. know how to comfort yourself

this is related to the last one but knowing what brings you comfort is very important. it took me a very long time to figure out what things i find comforting. list the things that you find comforting, and you can use those to help yourself feel better. it might be music, interests, even something abstract.

if you can’t think of anything, then make sure to pay attention to things that make you feel nice/comforted, and list them down. it’s also important to know what will send you over the edge, so you can avoid it.

5. distraction topics

this may help with anxiety as well, but having distraction topics can help you to calm down and forget about what you were worried about. it’s good to have a few distraction topics up your sleeve in case of emergency. i’ll list a few of my favourites, but if you ever need one don’t be afraid to ask me directly, or send me an ask on my blog! i have a ridiculous amount of misc knowledge just floating around.

dinosaur fossils of mothers protecting their nest have been found, meaning that dinosaurs probably felt some form of motherly love. love on earth is billions and billions of years old. creatures have loved each other on this planet since before the dawn of history. imagine being the first organism to love on this planet and what that must’ve been like

some cave paintings were animated. they had different frames painted over each other, and the flickering of a flame in the cave would cause the images to appear as if they were moving. isn’t that extremely profound?

i saw somewhere, that scientists attempted to see what an electron was made out of, or something to that effect. it’s made of a pool of energy, which is essentially nothing. no form, no matter. everything is made out of nothing.

6. romanticise your future

a lot of us probably don’t have a concept of the future, or if we do, it’s something that sounds absolutely horrible. well, forget about that! think instead about how hot n sexy you’ll be in your 30’s, 40’s, etc. don’t worry about how you’ll get there for now, your future self can take care of that. think about your ideal life, and get excited like it’s absolutely going to happen. the more you think about it, the more it will become true.

7. romanticise your current self

nobody in your life understands you? that’s because you’re the hot brooding mysterious one. struggle with very dark thoughts? omg you’d be so powerful as a jujutsu sorcerer. people are staring? it’s because they’re in love with you. people whispering as you go by? also in love with you. no friends? the universe had to keep you humble because otherwise you’d be too perfect. hate the way you look today? you’re just a littel troll babie. the more amusing these thoughts are, the better. and if you think these things for long enough, eventually it will trick your brain into thinking it’s true. who’s gonna check you? the telepaths?

8. put things into perspective

i am prone to delusional thoughts when i’m panicked, and i have to remind myself to reel it in. think about it, you’re more afraid of answering the phone than you are of death? doesn’t sound very cash money of you, bro.

think about how many years you’ve really lived, especially if you think you’ve failed in life. take 12 years off your age, because childhood doesn’t count. also take off any other years which you were forced to live the way someone else wanted you to live, rather than for myself.

for example, i’m currently 23. my household was pretty strict, so i couldn’t really do anything before age 18. which gives me a grand total of 5 years of me trying to figure out life by myself. it helps me to remember how young i actually am in the grand scheme of things, and that i have plenty of time to still figure things out.

9. find a safe outlet for dark urges

for me, art and journaling really helped. music too, especially when i felt like i could relate to either the lyrics, or just the tone/mood/feel of the song. it might be exercise, or you may like to do creative writing or make oc’s. sometimes you may just need a friend or someone to listen.

if you don’t have anyone to talk to, you can message me or shoot me an anon

10. sleep it off

sleep is not going to cure anything, but if i’m pushed over the edge and am struggling with dark thoughts, going to sleep almost always helps. most of the time i still feel like shit in the morning, but no longer in the mood to try anything hasty.

lastly: suicide is not the easy way out

note: i’m gonna be discussing my own experiences with suicide in this part, so if you don’t want to see that, then don’t read past this point

suicide is not the easy way out. it’s messy and it’s ugly and it’s painful and it’s gonna bring out the worst in people. i’ve been struggling with it since age 19.

one particular attempt landed me in the hospital after i swallowed a bunch of painkillers. i couldn’t think or speak properly, i was slurring my words and tripping over myself. my doctor brushed me off and said that it “would probably get better” with time, but it never did. it improved, but my mind has never been the same as it once was, and one of my biggest insecurities to this day is when i struggle to learn new things or get things mixed up that i shouldn’t. i struggle to learn the simplest of things, and my reaction times tend to be very slow.

the point is, sometimes you don’t die, sometimes you just end up hurting yourself in a way that won’t get better. nobody needs that. if had’ve known how to calm myself down back then, i might not’ve tried.

i don’t mind talking about it now, since i’ve dedicated so much time in learning how to uplift myself. i may be in the “better place” now, but you don’t need to rush yourself to be better immediately. sometimes you need to be patient, use baby steps, or learn to accomodate yourself where you are. these things take time. that’s okay.

and remember, you are loved and very much needed to be here on the planet with us.

#suicide awareness #suicide awareness month #mental health awareness #mental health #depression #anxiety #self help #suicide prevention #suicide prevention month #cw suicide

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blu-joons · 4 years

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Connecting Hands ~ Lee Chan

Prompts: 17, 41, 44

For the fourth time this week the slam of the front door let Chan know that you were home, he glanced up as you walked into the room, opting to settle straight away on the sofa beside him, resting your head down into his lap.

It had been the same routine all week, he’d play with your hair for a while and then you’d carry on like nothing had happened leaving him concerned and flustered by what was going on.

As his hands ran through locks of your hair once again, he couldn’t help but sigh, letting his eyes study your exhausted frame. “Will you ever tell me what’s wrong?” He questioned.

You turned your head up to look at him, he tried hard to mask the surprise on his face when he noticed the blotchiness in your tear-stained cheeks. “What’s the point of talking to anyone anymore? Everyone I think is there for me ends up abandoning me one way or another.”

“That’s not true, you know I’m right here, with you nothing will ever change that,” he comforted, watching as you closed your eyes. “Something’s obviously happened to make you feel this way, why don’t you just tell me what the problem is, then I can try and help you.”

“It’s easy for you, you are part of a massive group with a whole team around you, you don’t know what it’s like to spend so much time alone. It’s impossible for you to help me because you really have no idea what it’s like to be me Chan, do you know what it’s like to be lonely?”

Opening up the bottle of your problem soon let it all go, your voice was shaky as you spoke to him, breaking his heart as he realised for the first time just how hard things had been. All the emotion you’d held onto for so long was being released before you even had chance to hold any of it back, feeling Chan’s arms tighten around you.

“I know that you’re hurting a lot right now, and you’re right, I don’t really know how you’re feeling, but you’re never going to be truly alone, because you’re always going to have me,” he assured you, leaning his head down to press a kiss to your forehead.

“I can’t just rely on you Chan, what sort of life is that?” You questioned, “I sit alone in coffee shops, walk by myself around shops watching groups of people enjoying each other’s company.”

Chan closed his eyes for a moment, overwhelmed by just how strong the feeling was that you’d suffered through for so long, without taking a single soul.

“Everyone goes through these stages in life, you know how I was just before we debuted, I felt like I was all alone, all I felt like I had was you, but then I spoke to the boys and they reminded me they were there for me, maybe you need to speak to those people who make you feel this way.”

“I don’t want to be weak Chan, I don’t want to look stupid.”

His head shook, sitting you up on the sofa, stretching his hand out for you. You sighed, far too tired to move from your spot, but Chan refused to move until you were moving with him.

“Just take my hand,” he chuckled, pulling you up so that you stood face to face with him. “You feel this, it’s the bond that the two of us have, a connection that will never break. It has fractures, when we slip away, but it always finds a way to piece itself back together.”

“What’s your point?” You sighed, resting into his chest, still staring down at his hand in yours.

He let go of your hand a couple of times before intertwining it again with yours, you frowned as he did so, failing to see the purpose of such a simple action.

“Right now, your hand is disconnected from a lot of people leaving you feeling like there’s no one there to keep you held up, but what you need to try and do is reconnect some of those hands and friendships. That way, they’ll be plenty of people to hold you up, and all this stress you’re currently feeling will be shared with those that are around you and supporting you.”

“What if those people don’t want to take a hold of my hand?” You asked him, “what if they’re disconnected for good? Do you think those hands always reconnect?”

He hummed as he rested you into his side, kissing the top of your head, he desperately wished he could find a way to empty all of these thoughts from your head, to clear your mind of all the negative thoughts outweighing all the good.

“Each connection has a bond, you can’t forget about that, there’s memories there that the two of you will always hold onto, so I think those hands always do reconnect.”

You watched a few more times as he let your hand fall to your side before picking it up again, squeezing you tighter each time that he did so.

“See how much better it feels when I’ve got a tight grip on you, because you know that I’m here and that you’re really not alone, that’s what you need to try and find again.”

You listened closely to every word he spoke as he began to advice you on the different skills he’d learned over the years when he felt like he was slipping away in the hope you’d be able to try some of them yourself.

“Do you really think it’ll work?” You queried.

“I don’t think there’s any harm in trying, if people choose to push you further away, then you know those were toxic friendships that it’ll be good to let go of,” he whispered.

“Part of me wonders if all along I’ve just been a fool for thinking that all these people wanted to be my friend, what if I’ve just been played and used for the benefit of other people Chan?”

He swayed you gently as you began to work yourself up all over again into a frantic state, “then that says more about them as people then you. It just says you’ve got a big heart and a caring charm, if it’s people’s prerogative to take advantage of that, then you know you’ve done nothing wrong except for being the best version of yourself that you can be.”

“I don’t want to be wrong,” you sighed, “you managed to get rid of that lonely feeling, but in the back of my mind I worry that maybe that’s just what I’m destined for, that it’s just the future that I’m going to have to accept.”

“You never have to accept something you’re not happy with.”

“But I might not be left with much of a choice, I don’t want to be one of those people that looks back and wonders where it all went wrong, looking left and right and seeing no one stood by my side through anything.”

His hand held back onto yours, “I told you that you’d always have me, didn’t I?”

“You mean always?”

He nodded, trailing light kisses along the crown of your head, “I promise that I mean always. Even if you look left and right and only see me, I promise that I’ll be the only one that you need, because I’m never going to let you feel alone.”

“Thank you for being here for me tonight Chan, I didn’t realise quite how much I needed this conversation.”

“I’m just glad I could help you jagi.”

---

Masterlist

#seventeen #seventeen imagine #lee chan #lee chan imagine #dino #dino imagine #seventeen reaction #seventeen scenario #seventeen one shot #seventeen drabble #seventeen fluff #dino reaction #dino scenario #dino seventeen #seventeen dino #kpop #kpop imagine

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seventeensarmy · 4 years

Text

(3) Stuck With You (OT7!HybridAu)

Pairing: OT7xReader, Jungkook x Reader, soon Jimin x Reader x Jungkook; rest will come in the course of the story

Warnings: a tiny bit angst, fluff, toxic relationship to food, abuse (Like one slapp), flashbacks of JK´s past, tell me if I missed something

Words: 4.204

Summary: Jungkook´s shopping trip brought something home that wasn´t on the shopping list

A/N: I planned to upload this earlier, but TikTok came in the way, sorry

Previous / Next

Chapter three

“ You're older than me? But you are soo small ”

Taglist: @imezz @anxietylovesme @holaaaf @ot7purple @calling-dips-on-j-hope @greezenini @givebuckysomelove

(not my gif)

One year ago (Reader 20/ JK 20/ JM 22) "Kookie, can you buy me some of that matcha detox powder?", you asked your boyfriend who was about to leave to go groceries shopping. You sat on your knees on the couch, hopping to appear bigger so he would see you. Jungkook groaned and looked at you, "What do you need that for?" You looked passed him, thinking of your next words. It was powder to help you lose weight, with Jungkook forcing you to have at least to meals and one snack a day you felt like you gained weight. Weight that would have made your mum make you go on an ice cube diet for weeks. So you felt like your solution to lose weight should be taken better by the bunny than what you could have done instead. Jungkook wasn't stupid, he knew what you would use detox matcha powder for, but he wanted to see if you would lie to him. He started to inform himself about diets and work out methods as soon as he could, he wanted to better understand what you doing to yourself and he himself wanted to work on his body. He was trying really hard to get you to understand, that your way of viewing food, weight and your body was a toxic view that your parents taught you. And while you knew, that your parents weren't the best, you found it hard to let go of the way that things have been. "Baby, look at me. What do you want that for?" Jungkooks voice was gently, but firm enough for you to understand, that he wouldn't ask again. You looked at him and bit your lip, "Well first of all, it's really good for your body, it gets rid of all the bad stuff in your body.", you started and Jungkook scoffed, doubting that there would be too much 'bad stuff' in your body, seeing as you were living strictly plant based. Claiming you couldn't eat animals, when your boyfriend was last animal and you didn't want to hurt anyone. Jungkook had cooed when you told him that, thinking how cute his little dancer was, though that didn't stop him from sometimes enjoying a nice steak or fried chicken (not too often though, because he also had a strict diet, due to his rabbit parts). But not only did you live plant based, you also never ate any junk food and sweets. So what bad toxins were you keeping in your body that you needed to get rid of? "Is that all Baby girl? Just having a little detox?" You wanted to scream, you didn't want to lie to him, he would be able to tell right away, you knew that he knew, but you didn't want to see his disappointed face. You sighed defeated, "It also helps with weight loss" You didn’t know what to expect, would he yell? No, Jungkook never raised his voice at you, but he didn’t need to. He could voice his disappointment just fine with a calm voice. "y/n. We talked about this." Jungkook let out a tired sigh. You felt bad, biting your lip, you knew he worried about you, but you didn't really see any other solutions. Your mothers’ words burned too deep in your head. "I know Kookie, but, the competition is just a week away and Ive been eating a lot recently" you tried to tell him, stuttering. You hadn't noticed that he had moved from the door to the couch and was now kneeling in front of you. Jungkook furrowed his brows, what should he do. He saw your slouched position and how you were avoiding his gaze, he knew you were wary if his reaction, because now it was his move, you told him what he wanted to hear. "Okay" Jungkook breathed out, having decided on plan. "I'll buy it. But I'll keep it and you only get to take some after you ask me. Got it? And no other tricks." He was stern, but he figured, that this way he could help you easier. He just needed to slowly show you, that there was no need for such radical diets. He saw a documentary on eating disorders and while he was no expert, Jungkook realised that people suffering from it, often didn't even realise it or don't see it as abnormal behaviour. So he tried to reteach you, trying to destroy the ideas of beauty your mother gave you. Helping with and controlling your diet plan was a new strategy, but he was sure, it only could be better than the last. Over the years Jungkook had tried again and again to make you see your toxic behaviour towards food, sadly it often ended in arguments. Leaving you crying and Jungkook frustrated. You knew Jungkook didn't like how or what you ate and you saw the disappointment every time you turned down a new dish, because you didn't know how many calories it had. Your eyes met his and though you were happy, this win for you came with a lot of guilt and you almost told Jungkook he shouldn't buy the powder, then your mother’s voice reminded you, "It's important to look pretty, the judges will like that. So even if you can't dance, you can at least be pleasing to the eye" Jungkooks hand came to cup your face, "I love you, you know that right? And I only want you to be happy and healthy" you were looking into his eyes, nodding. Jungkook wanted to say more, telling you that he knew that being happy and healthy was lying in two different directions right now, but he knew that this would upset you, so he kept quiet. "I love you too Kookie, I know you want me to be happy and I'm happy whenever I'm with you" you smiled, turning your head to kiss the palm of the hand; that was cupping your face. Jungkook pulled you down for a real kiss before standing up and grabbing the shopping bag again. "I'll be back in like an hour or so okay? Be good, love you" Jungkook yelled and left the house. You knew what he meant when he asked you to be good, don't train. You already practiced for hours today, so he would expect you to rest for the remaining day. And you found yourself listening to him, being actually exhausted from dancing all morning. You grabbed a book from the study your dad used to work in; you changed it into a reading room purely. There were beanbags and a bunch of pillows and two large shelves full of books. Since the weather was nice you decided to read in the garden, sitting down on the Hollywood swing in the back of the garden. Jungkook was walking to the supermarket. It wasn't unusual that he was the one going out for groceries; you were often too tired after your training to do anything. The bunny was sure that part that was due to you not eating enough, he noticed how after a tough day you would shakily sit down and sip your water. He hated how he felt like he couldn't help you. He walked past your elementary school; he remembered how he would always wait for you in your garden. Sometimes you brought your homework with you and explained what you had to do to him. He couldn't always follow the explanation of an eleven year old, but he was thankful for trying. Nowadays he had also started to study with you. Jungkook couldn't do the maths that you could, but he wasn't too worried about that, he saw that school didn't always teach you what you needed to know for life. Best example was biology, why would you, a dancer, need to know about photosynthesis? He didn't understand why they would teach that, they should have teaches you that eating is fu*king important. He crossed the streets, Busan was pretty, he thought. You would be soon, after finishing school in six months, there was nothing keeping you here. Both of you had a lot of bad memories here. You, from your family. Jungkook from his days on the street, he can't really remember if there was a time before he was on the street. He never met his parents, or at least he can't remember them. He also can't remember ever having an owner before meeting you, he just knew the streets and it wasn't easy. The nights were often freezing, he remembers breaking into a shed one night, because rain was pouring down and the bridge he sometimes slept under was flooded. The next morning he was woken up by a screaming woman, who then quickly proceeded to kick him out, yelling something about calling the cops. After he met you, life became easier, but not completely. In the beginning he still didn't have a place to sleep, it had taken you some time till you realised, that he needed some place to sleep. Jungkook wasn't mad that you sometimes kept forgetting to unlock the shed in the back of your garden; you were young and had your own problems. But as soon as you had realised you came running to him, apologising and bringing a bunch of food for him. When it got colder you started to steal some of your dad´s overalls and took pillows and blankets from the guest rooms, your parents never bothered to enter. All so Jungkook wouldn't freeze. As soon as it got cold you also always started to bring him some traditional Christmassy snacks and tea. Jungkook couldn't believe it when you stood in front of him on December 25th, with a present in your hand. "It's not much, but I thought you'd like it. I got it myself” you said proudly and when Jungkook opened it, he saw a pair of headphones. He was excited that he got a present for the first time, but he was confused what to do with it. He didn't own anything he could plug them into. You noticed this and handed him another box, in it was an ep3 player. Jungkooks eyes grew wide, "Why would you gift me something like that?" You grinned, "Because I know you'd like it" Jungkook swore he could have started crying then and there, but he opted for pulling you into a bone crushing hug. That night he fell asleep, listening to the music you downloaded onto the player. Jungkook kept walking, thanking whoever was responsible for him ending up with you. While he was walking he realised, that there was your old dancing studio on the way. He remembered the time, where the teacher didn't come to your house and someone had to drive you here, your mother never wanted to do it, so she hired a private trainer for you, who came over. Sometimes he would even pick you up from school, so you could immediately start practicing; those were the days when you were too tired to even wave Jungkook who was living in the shed in your garden. You told him that having a private teacher had a lot of pros, seeing as the teacher had his whole attention on you, but that also meant that you couldn't dance with you friends anymore or have a group play, from that point on, you always danced alone. Jungkook stopped at the window of the studio, watching the children dance. As he continued to walk, he saw someone dance in the back. Jungkooks eyes grew big, that was a hybrid dancing. He tried to make out what kind of hybrid though, probably cat by the way he elegantly jumped, his bushy tail helping him keeping the balance, but a beanie covered his ears, so he wasn't 100% sure. Before he could continue to walk, Jungkook saw how an elderly man came up to the hybrid, starting to yell at him. Jungkook couldn't tell what they were talking about, but he guessed it was about the hybrids dance, because the man kept showing him with gestures what the hybrid should do. The hybrid said something; his tail was slowly swaying from side to side, meaning he was getting angry. Jungkook had his fair share of meet and greets with stray cats, so he knew when to back off. The man didn't apparently, because faster than Jungkook could track the movements of the man’s hand was the hybrids face slapped and turned to the side. The man had slapped him, the hybrid stood stiff. Jungkook didn't know what happened next, because something wet hit him, then again. He looked up to see dark clouds forming in the sky, he cursed and started to walk quickly to the store, knowing you didn't like him being out when it rains or starts to get dark. As he arrived at the shop he pulled out the shopping list you wrote him and he marvelled again how pretty your handwriting was. He grabbed the veggies that you needed for dinner tomorrow and decided he would try to prepare steak again. The last time he tried to make it, it ended up being really though and he couldn't even chew it properly. He grabbed to already cut steaks, in case he would ruin one again and headed to the next aisle. The shelf in front of him was full with protein and weight loss powders, how was he supposed to know what to buy. He sighed and texted you, if you had any specific wishes. While he waited for your reply he continued to stroll through the market, grabbing some snacks, dips and frozen berries that you could use to make smoothies with. When you didn't answer after ten minutes he decided to just grab something himself. He studied the content of the boxes and compered them, because he still didn't want to just grab anything, when it was you who would consume it. Jungkook was a bit worried and annoyed when you didn't even answer, after he was already on his way back home. It didn't help his mood that the rain was still pouring down. Jungkook pulled his hood deeper, regretting that he bought so much, that he was now carrying five shopping bags. It was starting to get dark and there was almost no one on the streets, that why Jungkook was surprised to see someone sitting on the ground. He scoffed at first, why would someone sit outside in the ground while it was raining. When he walked closer he recognised that the building the person was sitting in front of was your old dance studio. And then he realised who that person was, it was the hybrid who got slapped. Next to him a small bag and Jungkook put two and two together, not thinking much before coming to a halt in front of the hybrid. The hybrid immeasurable looked up, hissing at Jungkook and Jungkook quickly understood why. His hood covered his ears and the rain probably washed most of his scent away. He slowly pulled his hood down, revealing his bunny ears and the hybrids position changed. "What do you want?" asked the hybrid a bit annoyed, but Jungkook didn't let himself be irritated by that, he had seen that the hybrid had a bad day. "I- I was wondering if you are alright? I saw you dancing earlier. I also saw what that man did." Jungkook didn't sound as confident as he wanted to, but while he was speaking he realised that he had no idea what he was even doing. The hybrids eye grew wide, "You saw?" Jungkook felt guilty as he looked into the hybrids eyes. Should he have done something? He couldn't have just walked in there and told the man off, maybe if he was a human, but not as a hybrid, he would have been probably slapped too. "Yeah.. I was passing by when I saw. Did he kick you out?" Jungkooks eyes landed on the bag next to the hybrid, "Gee, what gave you that impression?" the hybrid scoffed sarcastic, but quickly caught himself, "He was unsatisfied with my dancing for a while now, I guess me talking back didn't really help my cause. Who knows, maybe he's right" the way the hybrid talked remembered him of you, before his mind told him otherwise his heart already spoke for him. "Do you want a place to stay? It's supposed to be raining all week. Trust me; it’s not fun looking for shelter in the rain." The hybrid narrowed his eyes, looking for a sign, that this could be a trap, but he only found Jungkooks sincere eyes. The hybrids gaze softened and he agreed, he too thought it would be hard to find a place to sleep, so when a nice bunny hybrid offered shelter he wouldn't say no. "Great!" Jungkook smiled his bunny smile, "I'm Jungkook, by the way. And since we have the same destination, how about you take one or two of the shopping bags?" The hybrid stood up and Jungkook smiled as he saw, that the man in front of him was smaller than him. The hybrid pulled off his hat, combed quickly through his blond hair and put the beanie back one. Jungkook saw that the hybrid in front of him a cat was, which should have made him feel unsafe, but right now Jungkook could only focus on his dripping wet clothes. It must have been an hour since he left you at home and you also still didn't text back. The cat took some bags, before looking at Jungkook, "I'm Jimin" The men walked in a quick pace back to your home, doing some light small talk. "You're older than me? But you are soo small" Jungkook exclaimed, earning an evil glance from the man next to him which made him shut up real quick. They didn't have long till they reached the house when Jimin spoke up again, "So your owner..." Jimin realised that Jungkooks owner probably didn’t sent him out to get groceries and a new hybrid, he didn’t want the younger one to get in trouble, but when he saw a loving smile growing on the bunny’s face he relaxed a bit. "Oh y/n! She's amazing, she'll be surprised when she sees us both, but I'll talk to her. She won't mind you staying with us, we have more than enough room at the house" Jimin wondered how the house would look like if Jungkook said, that the house was big. His last owner lived in the tiny flat above the dance studio, so Jimin couldn't imagine how a spacious house would look like. Now that he saw Jungkook up close he recognised that the clothes he wore were from pretty big and expensive fashion labels. Jimin couldn't deny it, Jungkook was pretty handsome, he could imagine how the bunny would look under him. "It's just around the corner", Jungkook said and Jimin looked at his surroundings, they were definitely in the more wealthy part of town and Jimin started to think about how you would be. Jungkook said you were amazing, maybe you were a lawyer or a business woman, and you were probably pretty busy if you sent Jungkook for groceries. He imagined a woman in her thirties maybe, you would have to be pretty rich to be here. Jungkook opened the gate to the house and Jimin looked amazed. It was a two story building, not necessarily a mansion, but big enough that Jimin understood why Jungkook said, that space isn't an issue. They walked through the front door to be met by silence. "She's probably sleeping" Jungkook said as he took off his shoes and Jacket, telling Jimin he would take his Jacket so they could dry it. Jungkook explained Jimin were the kitchen was and asked him to put the groceries there while he sorted out their drenched jackets. Jimin was amazed as he walked through the house, almost scared to get to close things in case he broke them. There was a sculpture in the entrance hall that he was sure cost more than his last owner would make in a year. He looked at the pictures in the hall, almost everyone had a small girl in it, he decided that this was probably the daughter of y/n. He smelled the place, but Jungkooks was the most prominent, though he could make out something sweet, which alone gave him a comfortable feeling already. "Yah, you're slow" came Jungkook from behind, carrying the rest of the bags. They quickly sorted the food in the kitchen, well more like Jungkook did that and Jimin was amazed by how many things they had in the kitchen. "Okay, you should meet y/n real quick then you can have a shower", Jungkook said looking at the older who nodded, a bit nervous. There was a chance that you would tell him to go, he looked out the window, it just stopped raining, but that would only be for today. "She should be in the living room, I looked in the bedroom already" Jungkook mumbled and walked with big steps to the next room, only to find it empty. Jungkook groaned and threw his head back, exposing his neck, hut Jimin shouldn't focus on that, y/n was missing apparently. Not for long though, because the second Jungkook saw the open garden door he huffed annoyed. "She better pray she only just went out now and did not fall asleep in the rain. I swear to god" there were a few more curse words and Jimin looked at Jungkook, why would he talk like that about his owner? It's not like the bunny could actually do something. But Jimin was even more confused when Jungkook came back with the girl from the pictures. That couldn't be y/n the owner, you were so young. Your sweet scent filled the room, but it didn't match your whiny tone or Jungkooks mad face. "Kookie", you whined, curling further into his arms, as he was carrying you, your clothes were wet. You had fallen asleep on the Hollywood swing and had luck, that it was partially covered, so you weren't completely exposed to the rain. "Don't 'Kookie' me, baby. I told you to be good didn't I? And where to I find you? Outside, completely soaked and asleep" Jimin turned his head to fast he swore he got whiplash. 'Baby'?! Jimin had the feeling this wasn't really an owner-pet situation, the way Jungkook spoke, even if it was low, because you were still sleepy, made Jimin want to drop to his knees. Which would never happen of course, seeing as A) Jungkook obviously already had someone and B) Park Jimin would never fall to his knees to submit to someone. You opened your eyes to look up to Jungkook and pouted, "I was good. I was reading, it's not my fault I fell asleep, I wasn't planning on it" Jungkook chuckled quietly at how whiny you sounded at the aspect of not being a good girl. He quickly kissed you, forgetting the cat that was looking with big eyes, only as he sat you down, he realised he should maybe make you aware of your new guest. "Baby, there is something I should tell you. On the way back, there was a small incident, that lead me to take a hybrid with me" he carefully watched your reaction, while Jungkook was pretty much in charge, this was still your house and in a way he only had power because you let him. He knew with other people it wouldn't be like that. You blinked slowly, "Wait a hybrid? Another bunny?" you asked him, before your eyes found Jimin and quickly realised, that he was not a bunny. "He has nowhere to go, baby. You know we have enough room", Jungkook continued and you nodded, "A serious incident?" You asked and both men nodded. "Okay, stay as long as you need. I'm y/n" A smile grew on both men’s faces and the cat quickly introduced himself as Jimin. After that you and Jungkook showed him his new room and the bathroom he could use, before leaving him on his own. In your shared bedroom you removed your clothes, shivering in the cold, quickly jumping into the shower with Jungkook, who started to massage shampoo in your hair. You lean back and enjoy the sensation, "Such a good girl" he praised, "Letting someone in need stay here. My little dancer has such a big heart. Love you" you didn't know, why he was thanking you for letting Jimin stay, as if you would let him back on the streets. You smiled up at him, "My big bunny saved him in the first place didn't he?" you asked, only to sneeze immediately after, Jungkook groaned. "Of course now you're getting sick. Because you just had to fall asleep in the rain", he complained, but you both knew that in the end he didn't mind taking care of you.

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redheadscribe · 3 years

Text

Fate Winx Saga Review

This is the Winx Club

This isn't

Ah Winx Club, I remembering waking up early in the morning to watch it on Saturday, I thought that it was a cool show and my favorite character was Bloom during the first three seasons when it was under 4Kids. I thought that the characters were cool, the setting was pretty awesome as well and overall it was fun. Years later I was pretty shocked that it is still going on though from what I heard it has lost a lot of it’s quality with season eight being a mixed bag and an okay art style. Now Netflix has acquired the rights and there were two separate shows that they produce.

The first being World of Winx, an animated spin off show showing the girls hiding out on earth helping people and dealing with an evil version of Tinkerbell? In all honesty I was a little confused like how was this a spin off? Was it a spin off from season four as Roxy is a supporting character in this universe? That part confused me but overall it was a pretty good show but at this point I don’t think Winx Club fans wouldn’t mind a reboot that got the She-Ra treatment. Needless to say Winx Club is a popular show that was big in Italy and other countries but it is not what it used to be. Especially when we have this show to talk about Fate: A Winx Saga.

When I first saw the trailer I was pretty confused because none of the shots in the trailer reminded me of Winx Club. Also none of the characters were recognizable as they white washed and replaced Flora, and also white washed Musa. The only three characters that were recognizable were Bloom, Stella and Aisha. However there personalities have changed so much that I can’t even say that this is a faithful adaptation. I know in adaptations there has to be certain changes that you have to make because either to budget or they can’t fit it in and some stuff has to be cut. The least the show could do was get the fashion right, I mean the only one who should be wearing red is Musa while Bloom is the one that wears different shades of blue. Then again the fashion overall is a big joke and they really should fire the costume designer as I looked and she has had no experience dressing up teenagers. Rants out of the way lets see how they butchered the characters.

Let’s start with the leading Pyromaniac herself, Bloom. What the hell did they do to my girl? As a fellow redhead myself it is safe to say Bloom was the one I lean towards to the most even though I did see myself in Tecna, and Flora. Bloom is a stuck up bitch in this show and has to make it all about her, which was one of the problems in some of season four and later on. She is also unbelievably gullible and really stupid. She basically believes anything that Beatrix, a psychopath and a known liar about the whole Not Domino city, yeah I don’t care about the name of this said city in other world. She is a problematic Pyromaniac something that cartoon Bloom season 1-3 would be horrified about, and surprisingly bland.

Now, this Bloom could have worked if there were either more episodes or just better writers. Think about it, she is a girl who discovers that she has these unknown powers and when her emotions get the better of her and harm her family she could be a little distant and closed off. She is angry and confused because she doesn’t understand what is happening which can lead her to feeling a lot of emotions. Though I do hate the fact that they ruined Mike and Vanessa but I forgot that this is a teen drama and as a teen drama parents are assholes, it is the law of teen television. There could have been a nice arc of Bloom dealing with the fact that she has been lied to her entire life, feeling angry and betrayed but then going back to the Bloom we love from the first three seasons as she realized that she was the same person, she just now has a place where she can feel at home while also having awesome fire powers. However we got the worst of Bloom that is shown post season five.

Now lets get to Stella, and I will try my best to contain my rage when I am writing this. Did a person who worked on this show really thought that it would be a great idea to change Stella and make her Diaspro? You know we could’ve added Diaspro and Stella in the same show, she and Stella could’ve been friends due to the two girls being royalty, but then both Stella and Sky would realize that she is a toxic person and break away from her. This is not Stella and the cartoon Stella wouldn’t be caught dead in some of the outfits that she was wearing, maybe the last episode outfit but that’s about it. They could’ve done something with her wardrobe, they could have her dress up as a old woman when her mother was around trying to impress her, and then dress up in clothes that the original Stella is known to wear. Stella is a stereotypical mean girl and there is nothing nuanced about her portrayal. This is not Stella this is Diaspro with Stella’s name.

Now let’s get on to Aisha, she is a fine characters but this isn’t Aisha as she has none of Aisha’s personality she is not even a princess of Andros and well she has no story outside of helping her white friend. Aisha was a standout of season two and had one of the best character entrances in the series. She doesn’t get a story of her own and she is relegated to just being the best friend that get’s Bloom out of trouble. The actress Precious Mustapha deserves way better than what they are giving her.

Now it is time for everybody’s favorite white-washed duo Terra/Flora and Musa. There have been videos and posts that are going over how stupid Netflix and Rainbow for doing this. Just to give everybody context, Musa’s appearance is based off of Lucy Liu and Flora is based off of Jennifer Lopez. I think that speaks for itself in how Netflix and Rainbow screwed this up especially when there are plus size Latinix actresses they could have casted. Now let’s get into their character, weirdly enough they are the ones that have the most interesting friendship dynamic, Terra is a fine character but she is not Flora and Musa is a lot more cold hearted and instead of being a fairy of music she is a mind fairy who is an empath. Now music in a way can evoke emotions and connect people on a deep level but her empathic powers are so undefined. Terra is a fine enough character and her family is pretty interesting.

Now lets get into the boys, Sky, Riven, Dane, and Sam. If there is one thing that I could applaud the show is that anyone can be a fairy or a specialist, it’s just a pity that they excluded the witches. Then again the witches do get the short end of the stick even in the cartoon. Sky is bland, and the actor only ever had one expression throughout the whole show. Riven is, well Riven has always been a jerk but cartoon Riven had some more well likable features than TV show Riven. Dane, he’s fine I would have liked him more if he wasn’t taking so many stupid pills when it came to Riven and Beatrix, boy he needs to find a better man to crush on becuase, Riven is not worth it at all, even if I didn’t like his performance I could definitely see him crushing on Sky way more than Riven. Sam is a fun character and I was glad to see a male fairy added to the school but that’s all I can say about him the boys are okay. If there was one thing that I enjoyed about World of Winx is that they didn’t include the boys and there was nothing lost from it, it was just the girls kicking ass and taking names.

There is not much to say about the school staff and Dowling is a fine character that is a lot like Faragonda, only really ever helps Bloom and reassuring her she is special. I wish there was more done with Terra’s father and all but nope any positive family interaction is bad in a teen show. Overall the school staff, I don’t think that we can even call them a school staff they were a joke.

Now let’s get into the villains, if there is one thing that fans of the first four season can agree on is that the villains were always a standout for each season one. That being said the only effective villain is Beatrix, even though they could have just done the Trix. Let me just say this, The Trix were a great villain for the first season and well they went downhill like the whole cartoon show. Also what is the deal with Rosalind and Sky’s father. To be fair Sky’s dad in the cartoon show has always been a jerk but a jerk that raised a psychopath like Beatrix is too much. I am a little nervous about how they will do if they actually introduce The Trix, Lord Darkar, and Valtor or even the Wizard’s of the Black Circle. Needless to say the villains were just bland.

That is if they actually even use the villains from the cartoon show because so far we have the rather bland Rosalind, I just don’t care for her and there is no need for her to be in the show, Daphne does not deserve this. Then there is Sky’s father and I don’t care and Luna and wow does every teen show have to have terrible parents. How is a cartoon show from the early 2000s is more diverse and interesting than this? I just don’t care at all about the villains except for Beatrix.

There is also the fact that the show is only six episodes and that really does hinder the show as the show could’ve used more episodes to flesh things out then maybe just maybe this show would’ve been interesting. I also see that there are some writers and producers from the Vampire Diaries that are attached to this project and well that explains why some aspects of the show seems dated. Overall Fate, is a bland show that definitely does have better writing than Riverdale but that is not saying much. The characters are bad, and the fashion is terrible something that was a main aspect of the show. The world is generic getting rid of the epic sci-fi fantasy world and Rainbow should’ve just rebooted the animated show.

#fate winx club #winx aisha #winx musa #winx sky #winx stella #winx bloom #winx club #netflix

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sometimesrosy · 3 years

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Hello Rosy! This might be a difficult ask. Don’t know if you’ve already seen what’s going on on Twitter, but a white reviewer said she couldn’t understand a book because she started reading the sequel without reading the first book. It was a paid review, for a famous magazine. The book was written by a POC, and it was so enraging that suddenly a lot of reviews, written by her, with blatant racism started showing up. She’s said some pretty bad things, such as a white reader not understanding a different culture because it’s too exotic and was presented in a “non-white way”. She also said she clearly wasn’t the best reviewer for that book as she wasn’t of the author’s ethnicity. I think that’s super ignorant, because why can’t a white person try to understand a different culture? Anyway, this got me thinking. I love fantasy, and love it even more when it grabs elements and cultures of our own world. I love learning about different cultures than my own and just get to know them. I’m from a smaller country where most people are honestly ignorant about racism. I tend to believe I can easily put myself in other people’s shoes, and I never understood this white-privilege and need for everything to be about white-culture. I think it’s very dumb when we claim things need to be changed because we don’t understand them because we are white, and so POC should change their stories so we can “relate”. Reminds me of colonialism, tbh. I mean, the world is so beautiful and so diverse? Why do we feel the need to even dictate fantasy stories that way? What I wanted to ask is, as a white person, when does it become racist when trying to get to know another culture? Until a few years ago, I didn’t know the word “exotic” was bad, for example. Is too much enthusiasm bad? As an aspiring writer who’s white cis, when does it become disrespectful to write diverse characters and try to represent their culture in a respectful, truthful way? Thank you, and I’m sorry this is so long. (Didn’t proofread, hope it’s coherent!)

This is a difficult ask. Because it’s complicated and we are all right smack dab in the middle of this cultural upheaval. It’s had to get a clear perspective on it, because we’re drowning in it. I suppose I’ll answer it, not as if I have all the answers, but as if it’s a problem that I am sorting through and sometimes struggling with myself. I have been working on this answer for three five days now so let’s see if I can wrap it up.

I did see the issue going around on twitter but I didn’t read the book and didn’t click on the review, because, well, sometimes I get tired of giving my attention to people who are acting in bad faith about issues of race and diversity. I saw a quote yesterday about the truth of a lot of people acting in bad faith. They can PRETEND they are innocent and ignorant and don’t know what they are doing, but a professional reviewer doesn’t bother reading the first book because it isn’t worth their time and then judges the book based on their ignorance? That’s WILLFUL ignorance. That’s disrespect. Saying they couldn’t understand it because it’s not from a white perspective is both minimizing the humanity of the non white culture, the AOC, and the book, and also putting the white pov, the white audience and the white author ABOVE everyone who is not white.

“I can’t relate to this book because I am not centered and it is not about people who look like me and are white.”

This is part of the “white default” mentality. This mentality says that the REAL human is a middle/upperclass, christian, cishet, abled, western white man, and everyone else is some sort of hyphenated person. The more hyphens, the less they count as human. A book about a hero, is about a white man. A book about a female hero-- or heroine, is a white woman. A Black hero, a Black man. A lesbian Black female hero. A poor, muslim, bisexual, Filipino, single mom... is apparently the kind of person that those at the “top” of the identity food chain can’t conceptualize as having universal human experiences.

Because they are “the other.”

Saying that white people can’t relate to BIPOC in the content they consume is saying that white people and BIPOC do not share the same human experience.

That’s one of the reasons why calling someone ‘exotic’ is problematic. Because it’s othering that person, saying they are odd or weird or unusual, not even in a bad way really, but in a way that makes them NOT a regular human. Perhaps something good enough for an exotic vacation or love affair or a night out at an exotic restaurant. It turns people into consumable goods that aren’t a part of the default human’s REAL world. Exotic is spicy and attractive and sexy and foreign. Something to be explored and then discarded when you go back to your real life.

So yes it TOTALLY is akin to colonialism. And that reviewer, using their entitlement as the basis for their review shows a marked incompetence as a reviewer. That is a BAD reviewer who acted in bad faith to attack authors and stories that were different from their dominant experience.

Okay. So that’s the discussion about the reviewer and the BIPOC authors. Listen, the publishing industry is a MESS, and it has been for years. Publishers, editors, reviewers, marketing, book covers, agents, writing associations and, the worst one for the readers, the writers, too. Yes. It’s awful, every time you turn around you find out something horrible about a favorite creator.

I think it’s because when we create, we use who we are, underneath our polite public personas, to create new worlds and characters. And that’s the part of us that is full of biases and unquestioned prejudices, wounds, resentments, fears and weaknesses. Those things come out in our stories. No matter who we are they do. But also when a person gets power and success, our cutlure allows them to abuse that power, and then we start hearing stories about what our favorite creators do with that power-- and we start to connect that abusive or toxic or racist or transphobic behavior back to the stories, books, movies and shows that they’ve created and then, voila. It’s all painted in black and white on the page or screen or whatever.

I think it’s just part of the vulnerability of being an artist. You put yourself out there to be seen, and that means a lot of your ugliness is visible. We all have ugliness. We’re all raised in a racist world. Not just those who are white and powerful, but also BIPOC who have all that internalized racism or racism against other minorities, or classism or homophobia or whatever. All that stuff is in there.

How do we keep racism and other biases out of our work? We probably can’t get rid of it all, because humans are imperfect. And also, sometimes you want to write ABOUT that imperfection. Flaws are part of what make fictional characters interesting. And sometimes we want to address that. Sometimes we WANT to tell a story without explicitly saying, “this bad and shouldn’t be that way.” There is a reason to write about the bad, hard and unfair things in life, and they shouldn’t necessarily be erased from our fiction.

BUT.

As a writer, at this point in time, you really don’t want to be at the mercy of your unquestioned biases, blindspots, ignorance, bigotry, racism, homophobia, misogyny etc.

We, as authors, want to be aware of how these things affect our writing and stories. So I guess the first step is to be pay attention when we hear about how racism etc is shown in the world and fiction. If you can see the problem of colonialism and exoticism in reviewers or authors, if you can see how taking, say, Chinese culture as a basis for your SF world, but not having any Chinese characters or actors in your show (Serenity/Firefly) is racist, colonialist, unfair, and tbh flawed storytelling, then you have to pay attention when you yourself want to use multicultural elements in your story.

I think one thing you have to look out for as a white author writing about other cultures is a kind of cultural tourism, where you look at other cultures and try to *use* the exotic elements to spice up your story. To indicate “the other.” Or perhaps something that is exotic and consumable. Even stereotypes that seem positive to you, powerful and beautiful and exotic can be dehumanizing. Like the “magical negro,” or the “spicy latina,” or the “tech genius east asian.” Why? Because they’re caricatures, not real people. I have also heard that sometimes using religions in your work is considered offensive because they are closed religions. You have to be a part of them to understand them. I am not sure about this, because I am not from a closed religion. I’m from a buddhist tradition that was missionary in nature. (I however hate proselytizing and it’s one of the reasons I left that religion.)

Being a mixed race, multicultural person from a minority religion, who belongs to many cultures and so doesn’t belong to any, I personally think sharing culture, art, stories and influences is a good thing. I couldn’t exist if we didn’t. And I use influences from all over in my work.

When does this enter into appropriation? I think that is a very good question. Using a native american war bonnet to fancy up your bikini so you can get drunk at a music festival definitely seems like appropriation. Writing a well developed, well rounded Lakota character who’s been well researched and stays away harmful stereotypes... maybe not.

I would NOT write a story attempting to Tell The Truth of what it is to BE another culture. Recently a part Puerto Rican, mostly white author wrote a novel attempting to do that with, I believe, the Mexican immigrant experience, American Dirt, and as far as I can tell, failed miserably. Maybe it was a good story, but it was NOT an authentic tale of the Mexican experience. I didn’t read it, but what I read about it felt as if she thought she could write an expressionist tear jerker about her impression of someone else’s experience. As someone who shares a similar background to that author, I would NEVER have had the temerity to write about that particular story. You’re from NYC lady. What do you know of border crossings? But if I HAD incorporated that experience into my stories (not trying to offer some sort of definitive narrative) I would have done more research from primary sources.

Now all authors are writing about other experiences. Other lives. If not, it would all be scarcely concealed autobiographies. We could only ever write about people who looked like us and came from exactly the same backgrounds and had the same experiences as ours and how boring would that be? This topic is SUPER complicated and I keep thinking about more things to address, but if I keep going I’ll never finish this and it will be too long for everyone to read anyway.

Let’s sum up.

Can you, a white person, write about cultures not your own? Yes. With cautions.

be aware of your own biases and racism and assumptions

don’t attempt to write a definitive experience. Don’t write about what it’s like to BE Black unless you are Black. You can’t know. Even Black people don’t have the same experience.

stay away from negative stereotypes and be on the look out for less negative ones that are still dehumanizing.

don’t consume someone else’s culture and disrespect the people.

remember to keep your BIPOC characters well rounded, realistic, and human. They all have pasts and families and fears and hopes and traumas and careers. Don’t treat them as a prop for your white characters. (although do remember that all secondary characters are there to support the MCs, so this can be tricky.)

RESEARCH. Simply basing a character or culture on someone you know is not enough. You should also be aware of history, culture, other depictions, the conversation about that culture, the voices of the people, etc.

Be willing to take criticism. Anyone writing BIPOC characters or cultures is going to get criticism. Period. It’s gonna happen, whether you’re a white author or a BIPOC. Sometimes AOC are more inspected than white authors. All the time, actually, from both white people and POC.

BE RESPECTFUL. Write BIPOC characters as human as white characters who share your culture.

oh I’m sure there’s more. but i’m hitting post now or I’ll never send this.

#writing diversity #multiculturalism #writing advice #rosywrites #you know what theres probably more about specifically sff but I didn't get there #also there's something about a suspicious similarity between racism and some purity discourse about anti-multiculturalism that is basically #just separatism #which makes me very uncomfortable

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ooophelias-blog · 3 years

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Dear Ana

05/05/2021

Dear Ana,

We have known each other now for so long, as long as I can even remember. You became my best friend, the only one in which I felt I could trust. You have been there for me in the darkest of times keeping me feeling safe and comforted me when I felt alone. I cant believe that I never realized, nor still don’t understand how your intentions where never there to help me. Your lies were sugar coated, made me believe everything you said was true, you made me isolate from everyone, especially my friends and family. All I need was you to be happy is what you told me, but how come I have never been genuinely happy? It took me years to realize this relationship is not healthy. Being forced to go to the hospital, and being told I’m lucky if I live 2 more days yet I still thought you were on my side, not trying to kill me. Whenever I suspected something might be wrong, you would get mad and manipulative and tell me I would be a nobody if I didn’t have you. You have made me feel worthless and unworthy of anything truly beautiful in this short life. You held me your prisoner. I lose interest in myself, passions, ambitions I had for my future, I lost my interest in art, sports and school and replaced it with an obsession of being the skinniest, with a number on the scale defining my life, body checking anything that showed in a reflection, on the exact number of calories that go into my body 24//7 while continuing to think and dream about calories. I started to lose my hair, my smile faded, and I was cold 24/7 even in the dead of summer. I was dizzy, confused, and exhausted. I have no memories from the time I was young but only have the pictures as reference without realizing I have actually done these things. You made sure to convince me that none of that mattered because the number of the scale was continuing to go down everyday. Told me that the only energy I could get was from black caffeine or fitting into the next size down. The only time I could release myself as an occasional high but not alcohol because that had too many calories. One year I completely stopped speaking to all the people who were my friends because I decided I didn’t need anyone who didn’t agree with this lifestyle. So I shunned them and pushed them away when they all could see what I couldn’t; that I was deteriorating and laying on a foreseen death bed yet none of them reached out to help or felt any remorse for me- but I had you. And I will never have them again. You are my toxic lover in such a way that you’re more than my best friend. I have loved you more than anything in the world. You are a part of me, and I don’t know how I can let you go. I wont lie.. I don’t want to lose you. I am terrified of losing you. Who am I without you? I want to believe your manipulative lies, but after being hospitalized I am still never good enough for you. You have taken everything from me, even my will to live almost all the time. I wish I could have gotten rid of you long ago, but no one sees the struggle that goes on behind the smile and behind the bedroom door at night. The nightmares that continue every night waking me up, but I brush it off as I just needed to go to the bathroom then the true need to get up and make sure it was just a dream not reality. While you may have grown from the traumatic experiences my life is not as bad as others, I would have avoided so much pain and avoided the constant feeling of worthlessness if you weren’t here. I would have never lost myself if it wasn’t for you. I’m lucky I have someone who excepts me for who I am but when I’m alone you come right back to “comfort me”. To remind me your there and will always be there. You keep me in a constant state of depression even if its not visible to the everyday seeker. I’m scared to go to doctors because I don’t want to be sent to treatment again. I know I need to get my life back and I can realize all these things but I still don’t want to lose you. I wonder why I didn’t die. I should have. This is one of the deadliest mental disorders in the world yet I survived and I’m not quite sure why.

I’m lucky enough to have the most amazing boy in the world yet you still get in the way when you tell me to not eat, or to throw up just one more time, when I know it won’t be the last or to cut one more inch of skin since the scars are already there. I know you’ll never give me the same comfort you did as before treatment, yet you still have the most control over my life and I hate you for that.

Love your best friend

#tw ed content #mental illness #mental ill health #anorekcia

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ammng · 3 years

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✨ Perceiving Yourself 25 Years from Now

Are you making decisions in your life now that your future self would thank you for? Are the things that you do today will help you become the best version of yourself? Are you proud of who you are becoming?

These are the words that I often ask myself. The exact same question that I have been reflecting ever since I was 17. Now that I am 23, I can say that, yes, I have been making decisions for myself that I am proud of. I may not be in the place where I imagine myself to be but I am one step ahead of the place where I used to be. Every day, I know I am making a progress for myself. The decisions I have been making has taken a toll on my personal well-being. These decisions have been hard because it includes compromising and choosing to be alone. It is true that when you choose to get your life together, you will need to get rid of toxic manner and do yourself a favor. It would require you to get out of your comfort zone and learn to be okay with being alone because if you want to grow, you need to give yourself time to reflect on everything that is going on with your life.

As I approach the first quarter of my life, I am reflecting on my progress. It was not was not easy breaking cycles in your life but I can say that almost everything that I have prayed for when I was younger is already happening for me. A degree, a decent job, independent life, and now enrolled in a graduate program. To be honest, there are times that I doubt my growth because there is a part in me that wants everything to be accomplished all at once. But I keep on reminding myself to take it one step at a time. That I should not be too hard to myself because all of it will come when the time is right. Growth is not linear, one day you’re getting there, the next day you slack off. But the important thing is that you do not give up on the promise with yourself to get better each day. Consistency and discipline is the key.

For the next 25 years, seeing myself being there, everything is actually overwhelming. Perceiving myself for the next years is scary but exciting at the same time. It is scary because deep down in myself I am afraid to grow old, although I am now already 23 with a corporate job, I am still a kid at heart. I still find pleasure on the small things such as eating an ice cream at the corner rather on the worldly things of acquiring possessions. But it is also exciting in a sense that I can not wait to be the woman I would becoming. A woman changing the world. A woman who is contributing constructive impact in the society.

25 years from now, I am already 48. By that time I see myself as someone who is successful enough, not just financially but spiritually, socially, mentally, and emotionally. Spiritually successful in a way that I am incorporating my values that I have learned throughout my journey in my everyday life. I would be successful socially that I get to get in touch with people. Touch their lives and made an impact in one way or another. I would be mentally and emotionally successful that I am rally matured enough to handle and get on things done.

How about you? 25 years from now, who will you be?

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recentanimenews · 3 years

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OPINION: How Cells at Work! Taught Me to Embrace Self-Care

CONTENT WARNING: This article contains references to mental illness as well as self-harm, eating disorders, and alcohol abuse. Reader discretion is advised.

The next chapter in the story of Cells at Work! has arrived on Crunchyroll, and with it, we can continue the story about you, your body, and your 37.2 trillion cells. This is the story of how Cells at Work! saved my life and helped me become a healthier person.

I won’t get into the nitty-gritty details of the things that have happened to me — we don’t have the luxury of time. What I will say is that my most recent psychiatric ARNP, while doing my assessment, said I had six lives’ worth of trauma packed into my 26 years. I chose unhealthy coping mechanisms. I struggled between the desire to feel everything and nothing at all, where poor circumstances bred poor decisions.

Initially while facing suffering, I was jaded. But after several abusive relationships, my feelings transformed into a helpless acceptance that I was unworthy of good things. The depression infected every instance of my life: I stopped eating; some days it took me three hours just to convince myself to shower; some days I couldn’t convince myself to shower at all. I swung between frantic insomnia and using sleep as an escape.

When I reached out to family and friends, I was met with an overwhelming tirade of toxic positivity. It felt like I was drowning beneath the riptide while they were standing on the shoreline screaming at me to learn how to swim. And so, I turned to anime. Anime has always been a part of my mental health regimen. I found that if I was able to laugh during a crisis, I was able to slowly reel myself back from devastating action. Several series have played this heroic role, and in this instance, it was Cells at Work!.

Cells at Work! was delightful, and like many, I was charmed by its cities of anthropomorphic cells: the somewhat ditzy and directionally challenged AE3803 red blood cell; the stoic and sometimes ruthless U-1146 white blood cell; the adorable platelets; the chiseled killer-T cells. It was a lovely little slice of life and comedy venture, giving me a much-needed escape from reality.

When Cells at Work! CODE BLACK started airing, I was more than eager to jump back into the quirky land and follow my cell friends for some comedy giggles, and at times, astute observations. I hadn’t read the manga, and I didn’t know this story would be one of a deteriorating body full of danger, loss, and chaos.

Suddenly, it all became real: the true consequences my actions were having on my body and the trillions of cells that are a part of it. I saw the effect downing a bottle of wine in one sitting would have on my liver cells; the demand facing my blood cells with an ever-decreasing supply of food and energy; the repercussions self-mutilation would have on my poor platelets — that doing so would be evicting cells just like AE3803 from her home, ridding her of her purpose, and ultimately denying her life.

But unlike all of the conversations I had with others before — the counselors and the well-meaning mentors and the concerned friends and family — what I felt wasn’t disgust at my previous actions. It wasn’t circles of sorrow and self-hatred, nor was it an endless cycle of guilt and shame ... I wasn’t revolted by what I had done, rather, I was determined to be better.

My cells can’t yell at me. They don’t speak English. They have no HR, no benefits package, no union. I’m their only ally and advocate, the only one who can make their world better and work easier, perhaps even more meaningful. So I have to listen or they will strike and all the lights will go off. I have to, because if I don’t, who else will?

When I thought about it less like it was my blood and my body, and more like I was the mother or caretaker to all of these little beings, I was able to do things I couldn’t before: eat, exercise, hydrate, choose healthy coping mechanisms and refrain from self-mutilation. I now had a purpose, which wasn’t so loosely defined as “self-love.” I wanted to be able to provide a safe home and a good working environment so all of my cells could do their jobs.

Slowly, I began to change.

Bit by bit, moment by moment, I took steps to try and help my cells.

I began to set an alarm to remind myself to eat. Eventually, this led to tracking those meals to see if I was getting balanced and proper nutrition, and later to meal planning to ensure the blood cells could do their jobs efficiently and without worry. I invested in some supplements to help me sleep; I stopped looking at electronics at midnight to give my brain time to wind down. I started each day by doing some simple arm motions and stretching, moving up to walking and gentle yoga routines, to finally going for a run this last week, in hopes of helping my blood circulation and increasing my blood pressure since I have severe hypotension.

I’ll admit, some days are harder than others. At times, I mess up. I don’t manage to cook a healthy meal or I can’t get out of bed. But these slips are tenfold healthier than my previous coping mechanisms and I acknowledge that I’m human. Mistakes, accidents, and blunders are bound to happen, but I can minimize the damage and I can try to prepare for those days when they come. Some days the destructive urges are there, but the key is that I don’t act on those harmful impulses. I’m able to control myself and reach for healthier alternatives because I can’t bear the thought of hurting my cells more than I already have. I have to be better for them.

So many times I have had people tell me that I have to put on my own face mask before helping someone else. While that all makes sense in theory (I can rationalize it), putting it into action and practice is an entirely different experience. It doesn’t in any way recognize that having a life and living it for oneself is a lot of pressure. The overbearing crush of expectation compounded with the unrelenting belief that I am undeserving of basic life necessities. How many of us feel unworthy?

In the face of death, severe stress, and exhaustion, NT4201 (AE3803’s junior) asks: “Even if we try our hardest, do you really believe it’ll change anything?”

How many times have I asked myself that question, unable to find an answer?

Fortunately, Cells at Work! provides one for us. Throughout the series, we see cells helping each other as they go about their daily lives. It’s not just that their tasks are their jobs and that is their sole purpose. They strive to work their hardest for the others that live there. AE3803 persists because “Everyone is trying their best. I also have to do this too.”

In Cells at Work! CODE BLACK, AA2153 has a similar experience. He asks white blood cell U-1196 if their jobs are really worth risking their lives for. She replies: “We might be working so we can find the answer to that.” The series confirms our experience — there are things we cannot control; bad things happen. Even so, there are actions we can take and people we can rely on because we’re not alone.

I couldn’t do it for myself. But I could do it for them.

Cells at Work!’s personification was the allegory I needed to commit to self-care and a healthier lifestyle. It reminded me that sometimes it’s not the big things that keep us here ... sometimes it’s something as small as a single cell working their hardest that leads to revelations and meaningful change.

I hope I can live in a way my cells can be proud of. I hope I can give them a better life.

How has anime helped you practice self-care? Which anime has encouraged you to lead a healthier life? Let me know in the comments below!

Annie is a writer for Crunchyroll Features. She hopes her platelets know how much she loves them, and she still has a mega-crush on white blood cell U-1196. She also runs Annieme, a blog committed to anime and mental health. Follow her @anniemeaddict.

Do you love writing? Do you love anime? If you have an idea for a features story, pitch it to Crunchyroll Features!

By: Annie M

#Anime #News #Latest in Anime News by Crunchyroll!

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