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sexwithamanda · 6 months

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GAVE MY EX HIS SWEATSHIRT BACK

Hello...

Playing Episode #111323

I know what you are thinking about the title, but I should explain a little of the back story. It felt like going to a friend's house to me. I had spent so much time at this person's house. I had learned so much about them, but I did not allow myself to fully understand everything they must have gone through. Maybe they couldn't explain it to me. It is good that they were not involved with me as much as I had felt to be with them. I learned that I have a specific love for myself that they may get to for themselves one day. It has been about 6 months since we were together actually. I've hung with them a bit before, strictly as friends. I can tell that they care for me. They have gone out of their way for me and I know there is a level of understanding that I think that they have understood about themselves. I think giving back their sweatshirt was more for me than for them. Why was I holding it?

I stopped wearing it, and I would see it and it became a reminder for them. I did not feel the need to see it ever again. I don't want them in my life in that way. Here I am confessing that, I am completely and fully healed from that experience. I am not scared of that type of relationship because I won't allow myself to be committed that fast. I deserve sooooo much love. I am a sunshine, a lover, and the cutest person that people get to have in their life. It is a blessing to have me in their life and every person who gets lucky enough to have me in their presence has been blessed.

I remind myself that. If you have the chance to experience the love I have for you, especially romantically, you are so damn lucky.

It will take a lot till I can fully be honest and vulnerable with another person. You have to meet me where I am. I have an abundant amount of love, understanding, and kindness that is not shared with anyone fully. I deserve literally the best and if you want to be the best, remind yourself to treat yourself. Here is your sign to always be your biggest fan.

Also thank yourself, this how you got here! gO GET'EM!!!!!

Mahal Kita,

Amanda

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sexwithamanda · 6 months

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I can't think of anyone else.

Episode #110923

My laptop is going slower than usual, it doesn't keep up with my typing and I have to wait for a minute delay before it shows exactly what I am saying. I need a new one. I want a new laptop, I want a mac book pro. I want to have a nice one where I don't have to worry about it stopping in between my thoughts.

I mainfest something greater for all the people in my life, greater for things that we may want, but for the things that we probably need to develop ourselves into the best versions.

I manifest this with no doubts, only love and understanding. As of recently, freshly equipped with love all in my heart, I want to help make a change that will be seen in not only in my community but with the goal to help the world, the universe even.

Here is a little excerpt of how I know what you might be feeling,

You are stuck in a system, a way of being that you wish could be changed. I think that we tend to forget how hard we are trying daily, and sometimes it feels like a routine and I've been told before that my disney dreams are far from what could be. I am here to tell you that, this is not the case.

Dream those big dreams, continue to reach for the stars, the sky, the space, reach out because there is NO LIMIT.

For those who have felt let down by themselves, please remind yourself to be kind to all the small little accomplishments that you have given yourself in the past 24 hours. It takes time, effort, and perseverance to continue when all you want to do is give up. Giving up is not an option especially for those who know that they are meant for greatness. Things take time and time is not free, it is blood, sweat, tears, but it is a mixture of gratitude, happiness, and so much laughter.

Love hard. Play hard. Work hard. Live life to the fullest sense of the word, and of meaning in your own life.

Some of the most important people in my life have been struggling financially, and I get it because I have too. I just wish that I could help make things easier.

I feel like the fact that it costs money to really enjoy the things that matter to us is incredibly unfortunate. I wish that we could just sign up for things that matter to us. We could see things that make life worth living, but here I am in one of my favorite coffee shops where I know full well, some people in this world, lots of people actually won't ever have the chance to see it in person.

I am blessed everyday with the chance to be alive, and have the interactions that I do. I thank god, and the spirits up above, the universe is beautiful and if you see this. I love you.

Until next time my loves.

Mahal Kita,

Amanda

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sexwithamanda · 6 months

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Babe has Boundaries

Hello, to whom may read this,

Episode #010123

I've spent a little bit of time talking to one person, we talk daily. I think about them a lot. They have a little piece of my heart, and they mean a lot to me, but do they feel the same? You know the type of liking when you want to get to know someone but then you find the intention they may have.

I am single, but I like to talk to one person at a time, but this other person acts like we are together and we aren't. I don't want to act like we are, I mean they don't try and that is enough for me to be like that I don't need this. I explained to them what I wanted and now they were like "all I want is a FWB."

I don't want to judge, but as a woman who cares about my life, who I have in my life, and the ability to understand my own emotions. Here is why this won't work with this person unless they find someone who is as insecure as them.

Here is a list of things that this person can't provide for themselves,:

-No job.

-No car.

-Don't have a sense of identity.

-Does not date with the intent to actually get into a relationship with them.

-Is not self-aware.

I send my love, and I hope that they grow to learn to be better, I get that people do not have it figured out, but when someone expects someone else to catch all the slack when you are the one trying to pursue them, how about you learn to get your own life together.

There are other people who come up with an entire list of things that they want their partner to adhere to, and then they take it back because they are scared. It's okay to be scared.

If you want what you want, do not allow someone else to try to dictate what you want to do. But, also do not drag along the person you have said you love on a rollercoaster of emotions that you do not know how to regulate. But again, people are people, and as we know love is not everything. It is a part of it, but we all deserve so much more than just that.

I hope that you person you end up with someone who takes care of your feelings and makes sure that you feel validated and is there for you even when you don't feel like yourself.

When I speak about having boundaries, holding yourself to the highest degree, and investing all that love you were going to invest into someone else because you deserve every ounce of love that you want to dedicate to another person.The people who value you, your friends, your family, your co-workers, people that are there for you. Do what you want but please be kind to yourself, don't let people walk all over you.

Mahal Kita,

Amanda

If you want to take a listen to my podcast, Here is a new episode :)

Take a little listen if you want to be soothed, and learn a little about who I am and what I've been feeling. Hope we all find our perfect partner*.

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sexwithamanda · 6 months

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WOLF CUT

Episode #102623

Hello, my loves,

I want to vomit all over the page about how I am feeling, let me start off with I started the day insanely happy. I was exhausted as heck with not sleeping at all. I was so tired. I had an appointment today for my haircut. They cut 4 inches off and now I feel like somewhat a different person, I've drank two cups of coffee today which is also a first for me and I feel extremely calm now but I was in a situation that I'd rather not be in anymore.

Here is the situation,

I'd like to say that what I'm saying is speculation but I know that it is true because they are consistently reminding me that they love me. i DO NOT FEEL THE SAME. This love that they keep forcing upon me is too much, and I think that it's time that I stop communicating with them. They are toxic to me, they make me feel so uncomfortable with who I am. I am on my phone a lot, my adhd acts up, but I also have nothing to say to them, they make me feel awful.

I don't know why I put myself through this friendship where I know that they think that they love me but people don't do that to the people that they love. I just wish them so much love but they are doing too much for me to understand. I don't have the energy to give the likeness, the loveness they want when I don't like them like that.

I need to get over this and stop feeling guilty. I deserve better, why is it so easy to cut off everyone else but this person is stuck to me like glue. I don't want it.

Help me,

Amanda

#blog #sad #scary #upset #love #cut #cut off #toxic

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sexwithamanda · 7 months

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Things I wish I could tell you

Episode #876

Hello it’s been a while since I’ve been on here. I’ve had a lot of thinking lately about who I want to be in this lifetime. I see that sometimes things are not as good as they used to be. I hung out with one of my friends that I’ve had for years. A long time can go by in a blink of an eye. When I think about the first time I met this person, I was obsessed with making pigs in a blanket. I hung out with this person who dated me, took me to new places, we did different things and he lived an hour away from me. We grew up a bit and he found another girl to fall in love with. Someone who wasn’t me and I always thought he never liked me, that he was waiting for someone better to come along and in a sense that’s what happened. He moved in with that girl and she broke his heart. I think that people tend to hunt their feelings, and he was my favorite on the roster.

I had two other people I spoke to that year, and when I no longer dated him, I still had him in my sights. I still remembered the memories we had just talking and laughing in my room when I liked to do things. He would be down to try it all with me. I think that, although we didn’t continue to be dating like that, the friendship never truly ended. I always cared for him in a way that I think is ironic. He is quiet, very logical and is by far one of the kindest souls I know of. We are still friends.

One of my favorite memories is when I told him to make a blanket with me. We went to Michael’s, he helped me pick out the yarn and he always told me that I could do anything I put my mind to. He took my pictures for me, made me smile when I felt like an idiot, always wanted to give me advice. Well the funny thing about being at that fabric store, it was hard to find the actual thick yarn that they said was needed to make this specific blanket. I made that blanket and gave it to my ex-boyfriends sister. It was hand made with my tv playing k-pop music in the background and the sun shining through the golden hour it was. I had a pretty beautiful room like that, the one where it was a dream to live in the house I did. I loved every second of it that summer. It was quarantine year but it was also the year you helped me explore my city as an adult. A young one, we both were still finding each other.

I think we still are but with a little bit more experience we seem to be in the situation to meet again but you are glued to this girl. The one you left me for. It’s okay, but I hope one day you learn how truly valuable you are and life is more than just working. It’s been such a pleasure getting to know you.

You may never see this, you might not even know this is about you but my life has been impacted by your character, your conversations, and the peace you’ve given me that I have when I am with you.

I, thank you.

I’ve spent many times in my life wanting to write all of my feelings down and this blog is an outlet for all those emotions, and I’m sure I can tell you an entire story about how much love I have for the people I’ve touched not only physically but mentally as well.

Here is something I want to fully clarify with myself and with anyone who might read this,

There are people in our life that no matter what they do, no matter what may happen, what you might be doing, where you might be, those people still gave you a sense of fulfillment, they gave you love and confessed something to you in those dark nights.

To be able to fully be vulnerable with someone and even with the internet, where this place is where you might be showing of the flaws you wish you weren’t I’m here to tell you, it’s okay.

I have loved and been loved in ways that you may not understand, people have come into my life and have treated me like sunshine and have been so amazing to me in ways that I don’t understand.

I’m so blessed beyond compare and to have a set of friends that I know are there for me is by far some of the most beautiful things. And if you know who you are, you will always be someone to me that I can’t even fathom to live without. There’s just people in this world that I could never live without.

This is a bit long, I’m typing this watching the summer I turned pretty, and I’m thinking about how love is life and life is love. And sometimes loss comes with it but there’s always something to smile about. There’s always something to be thankful for. I love you for being in my life, if you know me, if I know you. I am beyond grateful for your presence.

Sincerely,

Amanda <3

P.S. Mahal Kita

#poetry #love #kindness #blog #happiness #filipino #in love #i love you #boyfriend #life #short stories

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sexwithamanda · 8 months

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Speech Mythology & Young Brains

Episode #478

Hello,

today is going to be filled with a little bit of what I did today, but mostly what I have learned.

I eavesdrop sometimes in conversations that are not my own, I listen intently to what is being said in this coffee shop, it's called Clever Cup if you are ever in my neck of the woods. A middle-aged woman, probably around 37 years old, talking to an 18-year-old a presume about her major in college. Imagine if school was not the thing people based their conversations off of. Anyways, she's talking about how she loves psychology and how someone needs to be the one to listen to children's problems and how it is difficult but she is going to do it. The lady, she looks like she is about to fall over, tired and upset with herself. I smile as she leaves, but she says goodbye to everyone.

A lady on the other side looks at me and does the crazy finger at me. I ask her from across the room, "I want to know why you did that." She came over to me to explain how this lady had came in and was open about how she felt like she was fat. And if we are comparing the lady who did the crazy finger at her to the middle-aged lady, she was probably upset since, if you compare you would see that she was actually vibrate, young, blonde, and looked like a girl from white chicks.

I guess this lady was jealous of that lady walking around saying she was fat. It is all perception, they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Is it not?

This led to an entire conversation in the coffee shop about her, and it was funny how life works like that because this girl in the corner chimes in saying that the lady started from the minute she walked in about being fat. When in clear fashion we can all see she is not.

I then asked her about what she was studying and she began to explain how she is in her last year of getting her degree in Speech Mythology.

Now by hearing it from the words, I assumed it had something to do with learning words and the history of them. It is not my assumption actually. It is learning the way of talking and being able to teach babies that. She recommends to us if we have kids to wait a long long time before giving our kids technology. That means no ipads!

It is interesting, and then I tell her what I want to do. She goes, "I've never heard of that."

Now on instagram I've been getting all these posts about how life is beautiful.

Now here is my small little post about it as well.

I live for the soft moments with myself, as well as others. Taking the time to get to know someone who makes plans with people and holds them up. Maybe being alone and content with who you are, and what you love is, the best commitment you can give yourself.

Silently, this coffee shop is bustling, the people are whispering to each other about their homework, girls are on their phones trying to check mark off the businesses that they need to attend to.

Then there's a young man next to me, he has a button-up blue shirt with white stripes on it, a plaid look. He has his hair slicked to the side and he brings out two books, One is a notebook and the other is, I can't be nosy but I'd like to be, he's highlighting into it. Is this the equivalent as being relaxed, concentrated, and with one.

Now let's talk about how sweet it is to just have something melt in your mouth. I am going to tell you about the first time I kissed this person, It tasted like butter. Their lips were so soft, they tasted like beer, and they knew exactly what they were doing. I smiled into the kiss with them, and I didn't want it to end. I can equal it to being on a cloud, like sipping soft smooth silky sweetness. They overthink everything and in a hence I felt that as well. I believe it'll work out and now it seems to be that way.

I am now letting myself end this post.

I hope you learned something but also it made you smile in some way.

Thank you.

Mahal Kita,

Amanda

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sexwithamanda · 9 months

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Everything I know about being 25 (so far).

Episode #99

Hello, it's another day I am at a cafe. I had my Toastmasters meeting, it was sweet. I smiled the entire time. I like spending an hour speaking about experiences and seeing people laugh, smile, and be there for each other. It seems humanity is better than I could imagine. I joined this club because my BFF told me about it. It's a friendly group of people, and It's an hour a week where I am able to feel completely happy with how the world is. It is set in an empty pink and white building, with chairs in front of a whiteboard that they just put up. I don't know that much, but I can see every person as a child in my brain now. I finished the memoir from Dolly Alderton, her book is called "Everything I know about love."

My love journey has me in a trance. I enjoy things fully by myself or with my friends. If someone wants to talk to me, they will make the effort to. I won't let someone tell me twice that they don't want me in there life. The other day I got a text message from one of my ex-bffs who stopped being my friend. Regardless of how things ended, I have lots of love for them. It is okay to grow apart from someone.

The love will always be there, the intention to be good is there. I feel myself thinking about how lucky I am to be in the position I am in. And, all I kept telling myself is to continue to be myself. I have found out that recently, I clearly liked spending my time with people who make me feel like a whole. I know that I am whole. They make me feel better than I am.

I love spending time with myself, you know when you are reading a scene in a book, you feel involved, you are trying to side with them, seeking the solutions that they are asking for. It's in those times, we feel like a detective in someone else's life.

Here is a wake-up call, go do things that make you uncomfortable. Do things that make you feel alive in a way that isn't only going to your job. Try new things with strangers. Smile all the time. Be who you are with no apologies. I can't be who I am without writing. I write a letter to myself every couple of months about who I am at the time.

Here is my little excerpt,

Dear, Amanda

Good morning, you woke up and you said that you were going to go to the gym but instead, you washed your face, then made some food. You finished reading a book. Then went to a meeting. You laughed, smiled, and then decided to go to your favorite coffee shop, Motoneko. You cut off the men that did not make you a priority. One of them couldn't come out and tell you that they didn't want to be with you. I have learned to detach from those who deem to not give me the time of day. I cannot occupy my time with people who do not also put me as a priority.

I know that you continue to talk to him, his face, his softness is difficult. You want to have a hug, intimacy, kindness. I think one day soon you will be able to detach, but I think you may find a future with someone in it. It might be him. It might not be. If you continue to talk to him and I think that you blame yourself for never letting go. It isn't a fairytale being in love with someone who won't understand why you do. I am a certified lover girl. When it comes to you, I want to give you everything, but it is not reciprocated. I love myself, but in some instances, I wish you could give me all the love I try to give you. I feel like sometimes you are defeated in a way that I will never be.

I am healing, wanting to be single. If I stop answering everyone, will I be a different, healthier, pure, innocent version of who I was before?

I love love. I want you, aka me. To be happy. Always.

Thank you for listening to me rant, about my life. I think before I end this personalized little diary, I have a memorable situation with this person I had sex with. He was a person who loved eating me out, he loved telling me that I was so sweet. He would call me sometimes, he would be drunk as hell. He would tell me how he hated his life and his job, and I remember that I hope that I never have that. I have his number saved in my phone, when I got a boyfriend, he would text me. Bother me. I got annoyed, but he was one of the first people to let me hold a gun, I thought it was a toy. It was the first time I had been with a man who had normal things, a car, an apartment, a good job. I wanted to date him. I wasn't anyone serious. Sometimes people aren't ready. I wasn't ready either. I am not ready now. I want a future with someone who treats me as sunshine. I hope we get all that.

Mahal Kita,

Amanda

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sexwithamanda · 9 months

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A deep dive, a hike let's say. Not physically but mentally.

Episode #345

Hello,

I make these when I feel the most inspired. This last week was lovely, I went out a lot but I spent time with both my lovers, I pray they never read these, but I am sure one day these will be read, not aloud in a classroom I hope. It's a humid, hot, cloudy, wet day in the beautiful state of Florida. I am sitting at a coffee shop where I've tasted butterfly tea, which tastes like lemonade more than anything. It has a dark purple color and on the counter, I spied a cake that resembled Oreo. I decide for that, it's gluten and vegan. If I told you that I was trying to be healthier would you believe me? I suppose I don't seem to be that way. It was yummy, and I read a few (more than a few) pages of this memoir that has me on my toes. She is a writer and went to school for journalism. I've always felt that writing and putting something out there is insane. We all have a voice to talk about anything, that's why music is universal. If all the lyrics are in a different language, we still can continue to feel exactly what they are saying regardless of the fact that we don't speak that language.

Last week I went into a meeting, I like to speak as you can tell from my typing. I suppose that it is obvious that my clicking and clacking on my laptop in this quiet coffee shop seems to annoy the men next to me, but I digress with I am being me. Let it be. Right at this split second the song playing, is by tears for Fears. You decide if my life is a movie because I have already decided that it is. Anyways back to the meeting, I am talking about. I don't look at people as adults anymore. I assume everyone is a child, regardless of how you think t might be, we can be professional but we are all children at a point. Things we do, mistakes we make, and accomplishments that occur all happen because we learn from others. This meeting was an intro to exactly what I've been wanting for a while. A taste of who I could be as a public speaker. I don't think I'm perfect, but I think that healing is a journey that rules us over. We tend to be selfish about our lives. I had a conversation last night with my friend, and each time we speak I feel we learn a bit more about ourselves rather than the other. I give her the space to speak as she gives me my space to speak as well. I learned that I get tired easily maybe I should get that checked out but I can confirm that I love someone that I really shouldn't. It is okay though. Life is too short not to face the facts. I think head-on, I want to be exclusive with this person but I also think that I want to be friends. I need to deal with myself first, but once I feel that I can finally trust myself to trust someone I think that's when I could commit to them.

In other news, we both discovered that we miss each other dearly all the time, because we are two peas in a pod, and we have each other's back. I think that my sense of self is reflected in the darkness of my sorrows, and probably for good I can sense that I will be way better off. I guess for a while I thought that the only occupancy of people's company came with an abundant reach for bad decisions. I then tend to let myself be swept away from all reality when I am with my friends. They make me feel so safe, kind, and sweet. I got really lucky.

Next topic of discussion; my podcast, sex with Amanda on spotify. It is my baby, but let me explain that I know that people listen to it, people I know. I am brutally honest, and I am myself. I think that it is my therapy, the raw truth of my thoughts when it comes to it. I think the people that I want to listen to it won't, which is good for me. But, in actuality, these secrets are for the entire world to listen to. It's not just relatable it's my life. Inevitably it is my happiness. I feel a sense of ease after every Friday session. My episodes are unedited, I speak my truth and let myself be completely honest. (sometimes it is mean.)

Now here is a side note, my favorite thing to talk about is sex, but it is the education, the feeling, and the love of intimacy in the space of someone else that makes me feel loved. I love love. I love sex. I love sex with someone who makes me feel as though everything is right and how it is supposed to be. I don't want to be rushed unless it feels right but I also want to be healthy. I want it to be sacred in a way. I don't have sex with anyone, but with someone who has a connection to me, with me, and makes me feel good. If I've been intimate with someone, (if I chose to, because in some instances that is not the case), you have made me feel at ease. I love the feeling.

I have an addiction that is hard for me to describe, if you come across this, go on spotify, look up sex with Amanda. Take a listen to one of my episodes or wait till this upcoming Friday for the newest one. I can't wait to have a conversation with you.

Thank you for reading, listening, and being.

Mahal Kita,

Amanda

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sexwithamanda · 9 months

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No more Absolutes.

Hello. Episode #567

I don’t think that I’ve given myself a fair handshake over things that have happened to me. I love myself, my life, and the life that I live.

I’ve been blessed enough to meet some amazing people these last few weeks, but the one person on my mind constantly is two people that i feel like I keep choosing between.

Let’s give two names, but they are going to be disguised.

The first one, they are one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. I’d swear I’d take a bullet for them. I have spent countless nights wrapped in your arms, tightly. I cried the night when I decided that I couldn’t be the person to move in with you. I held you so close to my heart, so much deep love. I think- but now I know for sure, he is one of the soul mates that needed to be placed in my life. From one conversation to another, from visiting each other on our breaks. They became one of the soul providers of love to me. What you gave me people can’t teach. Unconditional love isn’t something that I can explain to you. It is a type of love that always forgives, sees the light in every scenario, and continues to make you believe in humanity.

I made a decision that made me feel afraid, I needed to do it because I was afraid. I was so afraid of the freedom that I would be losing by knowing that I wasn’t fully healed. But, you allowed me to become a version of myself.

You have no idea the acceptance, kindness, and understanding you’ve given me, more than anyone else. You have single handedly made me understand that life is worth it in every way possible. That sitting in room watching video games, and teaching me video games is beautiful. For a while I thought that no one could get me but you got me in a way that made me super comfortable. Unfortunately now I’m continuing typing this, I have stopped speaking to this person because of my boundaries. I want what I want and now I know for sure that I can enforce my boundaries in a way that will make sure that I get what I deserve.

So yes, if you read this, a little note from me, be real with the type of person you want to be, the type of person you want to have in your life. With all that I am. I want to be treated as a queen, my door held for me, not a split second I have to worry about a date not being paid for. I am the prize, and I feel like women get treated as if we aren’t. We are. I deserve it, and so does every other woman.

I am so happy that I know that I am doing what is best for me. I love the life that I have set for myself, and now tomorrow I return back to my job and I am lucky to be in the position I am in. I love my life and I love you.

Mahal Kita,

Amanda <3

#love #self love #long reads #blog #travel #poetry #kindness #jobseekers #be yourself #lifestyle

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sexwithamanda · 9 months

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“Meeting you was like listening to a song for the first time and knowing it would be my favorite.” - Unknown

—

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sexwithamanda · 10 months

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Dating, Dates, and Dealbreakers

Episode #143

It’s been a bit since I’ve been able to feel everything at once. Yesterday was the first time to truly understand what I’ve been going through. Mentally I have been through a rollercoaster of emotions about who I want to be and who I am becoming. In respect to all of the people in my life. Here is a little update with no context of names.

One person I had a connection with, the first time I met them. No real substance, and I keep feeling that, they were sweet. I was another conquest that they had to get off their list. They told me their entire life story, comfortable with me, I think the biggest form of intimacy isn’t sex but it is to tell them who you are with your heart on your sleeve. This person was not over someone who they loved very dearly, no amount of time can tell you when you will finally wake up not thinking about them.

The next one, knew them for a long time. They always wanted to reach out to me, met me for a day, introverted, as it is. Those are the ones that i am attracted to. The type that are mysterious but give you a part of themselves that you think they don’t show to others. They do. Particularly the ones that are like you, sunshine, absorbing all of that light you have to give everyone. Draining it on them who can’t promise you no part of who they are. Rejecting all of the true feelings that come with actually getting to know someones soul. They weren’t anything serious and I could never see them as such.

Then there is this one. The one unexpected person, is it true? I don’t feel like you want to hurt at me all. But, you have some aspects to you that make me worry. Road rage, cursing with no remorse, and consist back and forth. I’ve heard this narrative before. Then the similar type of aspect of not caring comes into play. “I don’t care.” But you claim to care for me but for not others. I feel conflicted.

Lastly, a developing breaking news is my friend. They are kind, sweet, and going through a situation that I’ve been through before. I don’t know what to tell you, I feel safe with them, they haven’t been my friend for too long but emotionally I feel connected to them. I can’t ruin this friendship. I know that they are counting on me to be there for support. The only bad part is that we held hands, laid together. Platonically as it might be, we crossed a line. We shared music together. Drank together. It is all to help each other feel something better. I’ve heard this same narrative again. I find myself wanting to help but I feel like I might have to not speak to them.

In the back of my mind I know that this is too much, I am overwhelmed because I haven’t forgiven the person who hurt me. I need to. They were one of the few people in this world where I knew that they should always be in my life but it keeps hurting me. 24/7 words are bullets are coming across and now they are begging for forgiveness. I forgive them. I thank them for all the help they’ve been giving me. I am so sad, so sorry, and most of all I wish I could not think about how unsafe I feel with them. I can’t like my life without them in it, but it feels like that it’s healthier. I forgive them, I want them to be better.

Is this what it’s like? All I want is myself. I broke up with my ex because they were not able to give me the attention I deserved. I wanted them to plan things with me. I wanted to feel wanted. I want myself, my happiness, my love, my heart. I need it for myself. I don’t miss worrying about them taking the time to care for me. I don’t want to be smiling like an idiot at my phone. I want to be happy about things that only matter to me.

I like to be by myself. I set up boundaries for myself. I forgive myself the most for allowing myself to be treated like this. I don’t want you.

The first and second one let me down. Not the type of love I need, platonic, kind, only the type of friend is one. But, nothing memorable to have.

Next, I am getting to know you.

Present, I know you, but I can’t cross another line. We won’t go back, and I don’t want you.

Now, I’ve expressed my entire love to you. I forgive you most of all. I made up my mind not to be trapped in that situation with you. I chose you always. Now, grow without me.

Is it possible that we are avoiding who we are when we reflect on the relationships we have in our lives. I admire my past lovers. I admire my past friendships that ended.

I got a message once that said “I can’t believe we are over, and I see i am blocked so I know that you don’t want me in your life anymore.”

If I saw you in person, I’d say hello. but nothing would matter as much anymore. You are someone I don’t want to know. I want you to succeed but not with me.

I love so hard. I fall so hard, and I try to give every piece of who I am to them. They don’t deserve it. Ever.

I am tired of not putting everything into me. I need to.

Mahal Kita

-Amanda

#poetry work wrting #writing #blog

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sexwithamanda · 1 year

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Motoneko Mindfulness

Episode #8

Let’s pretend that’s the episode we are on. I reread my last post about manifestation. I want to be clear, I broke up with my boyfriend while in Greece because regardless of how much I think he cared. He did not, could not love me the way I was asking. That is okay. He is damaged just as much as I am.

No one is perfect, not one person on this earth, in this universe.

And here I am admitting to the fact that we all have baggage that we have to deal with, it’s nicer to hear it from the person we care about but I found out things that made me feel so blindsided from the person I thought they were.

I was making up a version of them that I wanted to be mine, they aren’t mine. They don’t love me, they don’t even love themselves.

I appreciate that I was able to feel that I knew it wasn’t worth my time. When I explain myself, my side of how I feel and what happened, I think about how fucked up it is that I allowed myself to chase someone who clearly was not interested in me. I overly gave my love, and he knew that because I care so much. He broke my heart, did not give me time, attention, love that I deserved.

That is okay. I love myself, and I am trying harder and harder each day to be better. I want someone willing to talk me down, de-escalate the craziness I might feel and allow me to be myself fully with no expectations and the only person that needs to do that is me. I am so willing to give other people a second chance when I do not give myself the same grace that I deserve.

I am hurt and it hurts people that I love, but what hurts the most is that I addressed how I felt with the one person who needed to be willing to understand but they don’t even understand themselves, they would never be able to fully express how they felt, I over gave myself. never should I let that happen.

Everyday is different, and I am learning slowly that the cycle of wanting better for myself is a lifelong journey that I know will be better. I am a better version of who I was yesterday and regardless of that I felt what I felt.

I hope that someone sees this and thinks about how wonderful it is to live a life that is one of a kind. The love you have for someone, the love they have for you, the love you have for yourself. Please remind yourself that you deserve all the completely obsessed, kindness, sweetness that this world has to offer. Starting with what you say to yourself, what you put out into the world.

I know that it’s hard. I feel so completely sad somedays, I work through it but my heart is so invested in my emotions sometimes. But, I need to feel them, I need to allow myself to feel them as well. It’s okay to feel this.

I love you. I am saying this to you, saying this to me. You deserve to be happy, you deserve good things. Please know that you are amazing.

To the person I was with, I am sorry for asking so much of you, for needing the reassurance that you could not give me. I am sorry for always being so emotional with my trauma that has nothing to do with you. I know that it wasn’t all my fault, that what you would do triggered me as much as it triggered you.

I wanted to be there for you so badly that I acted like my needs weren’t important, but they were just as important. I loved spending time with you, knowing you in a way not everyone gets to see, the good and the bad. I hope that one day you find the strength to heal, as much as I will find the strength to heal as well. I hope that we become better and if you don’t (because you’ve said you wouldn’t) I hope that you find a way to love yourself as deeply as you love her.

I send my love, my heart (just a piece that you own.) to you with healing and kindness.

And until next time.

Mahal Kita

LOVE,

AMANDA

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sexwithamanda · 1 year

Text

Always, All the time. This is it.

Episode #IDK

Hello reporting from you live in Athens, Greece.

I made it here, with the insane amount of luck I’ve had. I always have problems to think about, one of them I put my focus on is my relationship.

I think that my needs are not being met consistently. I feel myself so upset with how I tell my person exactly what I need and he considers me being rude. If I were to not be honest about it, or be upfront with it, wouldn’t that be a disservice to both of us? You tell me. I have felt myself urge to get away, to not think of this person any longer because now I am in a beautiful country and all I feel is doubt. I don’t know how else to put it, I want someone to text me daily, someone who can’t go a day without texting me. Someone who is excited to talk to me about whatever, whenever. I want to feel like I belong to them, knowing full well I am my own person. I am in love with the person I am with but for what reasons that make me sacrifice the needs I wish to have. I need to have.

Here I am, I manifest someone who:

-uses cute names with me

-makes me feel special all the time

-remembers that I matter, regardless of where I am

-buys me sentimental gifts, doesn’t have to be big, but the ones that make me cry in a good way.

-makes me feel like my feelings are valid

-is upset when they make me cry

-calls me just because

-flowers just because

-plans our dates out, and then we switch

-fights with me but makes sure to know that I am loved.

-lastly, listens to me.

I think I was able to fully express how I felt, I am gonna try to sleep.

Or I will just write more.

“This is what I signed up for.”

I saw the details in the way you said my name, when you spoke it once.

i can tell it’s hard, even for us.

It’s because our minds clash, with expectations of the other, and how such a fast race ends, with us hurting one another.

I think for quick moments, for I feel lost within my thoughts,

for you are not aligned, and I am somewhat on a cross.

an X marks the spot, for what it was, a lost cost.

you’ve given me grief, and so much loss, for my heart is heavy with too much to bare,

for now I am aware, this is what I signed up for, right here.

for all the arguments of petty things such as cute names, and diamond rings,

I know you don’t love me, as though i wish you did.

but also that is fake, i remember how you kiss.

I am trapped in a cycle of promises you forgot to give.

from missed calls, and miss communication, it was our fate to end,

this is our final destination.

you and I, are as opposite as they come,

but you and I are as one.

there’s no one I’d rather fight with, not one single soul.

because they would let it go, but truth be told, i know that you won’t.

you’ll carry on, entertaining me, with sarcasm in your voice.

you are one person that blocks out all the noise.

so yes, should we be apart? would it be better that way?

of course, but who else could say they’ve been signed up for someone who knows how to make them stay.

-A.L.

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sexwithamanda · 1 year

Text

Vegan Coffee House.

Episode #6.

I wasn’t going to stop. I have a specific place I go to, and I drove past this place I am at, but the light switched, I was able to turn around and drive into this quaint little place in this strip mall. I make myself comfortable as if I come here everyday. Not one person says hi to me. Not one person actually acknowledges me and it isn’t in my nature to correct anyone. But if this was the first time I was here then it would be different. But, here I am making a review on a second time I’ve been here. I see people behind the desk, I know the owner is sitting next to me. It’s okay. If I can stay right this second and continue to type away, then obviously my presence of importance. Now, that we get that over with, here I am to talk about exactly how I am feeling. This pit in my stomach for the week to come ahead is insane. I am not prepared but I am prepared, this is insane. I am going to Greece next week. I have never had the pleasure of going to a new country, a place I’ve never been.

My mind is terrified that I might end up kidnapped but I know that is less likely to happen to me. I mean if that were to happen, wasn’t it meant to? I feel like that nothing that isn’t supposed to happen doesn’t happen. It just does it’s own thing.

I am a firm believer in the universe sending us signs of what we feel, where we are, who we are, are all derived of everything we are, and of all the people we’ve met. I spent some time with my friends yesterday and one of them explained to me of their relationship with the person they were in love with.

They told me that there is a love formula called the “Biorhythm Compatibility,” I tried it, I mean do I believe in it? Do I think about fate? Do I think about soulmates? All I know is that, if a person is your person, it’s because you chose them and they chose you.

Love is hard to define because it’s not all you need to make a relationship work. In my honest opinion, I don’t think you even need to be compatible with each other fully. I think that if you learn from each other, if you continue to care about what your partner is learning, what their interests are, I feel like you will have a solid foundation of getting on the level that they are on.

My current lover, he is one of a kind to me. I think he’s special. Not the type of special that you think is a lot or too much, but the type of special that makes me laugh till my stomach hurts. Someone who continuously lets me learn from him when i don’t know something. He’s the type to explain it to me kindly and in joke form.

I asked recently why he always asks me “what’s up.” When I turn to him, and he’s like “I know that you are thinking, but you look like you have something to say, which usually you do.” I mean that is a small detail, but it makes my heart beat a little fast. It makes me smile.

I know that people are quick to think that, “hey that seems normal.” Well here I am to tell you, that I feel valid. My feelings, thoughts, what I think matter to him in a way that makes me smile. I don’t think I’ve had that as much as I do with him. He tells me exactly what he’s doing, he doesn’t have a lock on his phone, as much as I hate to say it, he just allows me to be with him without bother, lets me talk but listens and gets distracted. I love that because he cares about what I’m saying.

He CARES.

I want that with every relationship I have but recently.

I have felt required to act in a way that isn’t fully me. This entire week has had me in a slump. I spent this week by myself mostly. I don’t even want to go out tonight really. I want to lay at home, type my feelings, speak my feelings but also just want to disappear. It is insane to think that we as people are consistently scrolling through our phones mindlessly looking at things that don’t particularly matter but we like them anyway.

Usually when I know my birthday is coming up, I feel this sense of emptiness. i don’t feel like partying, don’t feel like being surrounded by anyone. I want one person to talk to, but other than that I don’t really have enough energy to put forth into conversations. I need them to talk, I want to know about them, I am exhausted from my own conversations in my brain. I just want everything to be quiet.

The other day I was at a coffee shop and I kept hearing them clang something, and it bothered my brain so much, I had to leave. I couldn’t handle listening to it. I couldn’t focus on anything.

All I want to do is be distracted. All I want is to not feel this deep sadness.

I hope that it goes away soon, and it will after my birthday passes, but because it’s so close, I just want to get it over with. This is a quarter of a life crisis, but my brain seems to think it’s my mid-life. I could die pretty young.

I hope not.

But anyways.

Mahal Kita

Amanda <3

#i love you

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sexwithamanda · 1 year

Text

Daisy Jones. A person.

Episode #5

This isn’t what you would expecting coming from me. I have fully convinced myself that I am now with someone who cares about my well-being but it is so scary to let all of yourself be fully committed to someone who may break your heart in ways that you wish could never happen.

Let me tell you exactly how I feel about this specific situation that I am in, I feel so independent with myself, alone. I don’t need anyone but I am feeling my heart willfully feel so nice having someone laugh and smile with me. Someone who wants me with them as much as I want them.

Right this second though, I recently, as in yesterday finished watching the show “Daisy Jones and The Six” I haven’t felt this sad about a show ending so quick. I binged it within two days. It has music in in it that makes me feel alive. Nothing I could’ve planned for, could’ve prepared me for how incredible I felt like this show understood the ideas I’ve been contemplating lately.

If you haven’t watched it yet, this post is going to tell you some spoilers that are aligning with my life right now. As in when watching this show my entire body felt like I was going to combust (not actually but you get the jest).

In this specific episode Daisy goes to Greece, she finds this “Prince” someone who sweeps her off her feet. I am going to Greece this month. All I can think about is how scared I am, I am going to be lost in a different country. I am alone, fully. I know that there is no reason to be scared, but this is it. Sometimes I’ve dreamt of this moment, taking a leap to go somewhere else with no intention of coming back. What if everything is better somewhere else, a place where we get to re-invent ourselves. We hide the parts of ourselves that are too broken to be seen by everyone. Especially when the entire world has eyes on you.

I think in our 20′s we feel like everything is falling apart, that the world seems to be too much for us to handle. We see such hardship with finances, with love, and most of all with the relationships that are most important to us. When it comes to art, we tend to slip into an unconscious mind-set. I am here, but I am not really. I have felt my heart drop a million times, but also have felt nothing but sunshine in a way that words, even though are supposed to describe cannot do so.

My favorite part of listening to music, the way it can transform every aspect of perspective you may or may not have about certain subjects.

Side note: My boyfriend supports me blogging a lot, but then he will text me subtle messages about wanting to eat me out or fuck me hard. Get you a man who can do both.

Anywho, I have something to get off my chest. I feel like if someone consistently lets you down, should you let them stay in your life? I feel like they let me down in ways that I can’t even begin to think. I have spent countless years in a relationship with this person, when they tell me that I am important, knowing full well that they don’t hold me to what I use to hold them to.

People just grow apart, they become versions of themselves that you may not want to have in your life. It’s insane to think about it. We have this person there, we know so much about them and who they are and then they go and change themselves into people you don’t recognize. Essentially they are strangers.

Here I am to re-introduce who I am, because I am a different person then who I was yesterday. As Daisy is when she says she is herself all the time. Even on the drugs, even with the alcohol, even with all the multiple late nights with no sleep, no food. Daisy was herself.

Hello, my name is Amanda, I am almost at a quarter life crisis. I have published a poetry book, I have drank myself to black out. I have listened to music that has made me feel alive, been on experiences that I did not think that I would ever have. I have been in love fully, have been loved in ways that make me feel blessed. I have felt lost, abandoned, and upset at the world. But through it all.

I am who I am. I love my life. My life I love.

If I hadn’t told you yet. Take a listen to my podcast, where instead of just writing out my thoughts you get to hear my voice in the flesh, through your headphones, through your earbuds, through your computer.

Here is the link if you do so dare:

https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/kq6d4LwKPyb

Lets have a conversation.

Mahal Kita.

Amanda <3

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sexwithamanda · 1 year

Text

Wifi please.

Episode #4

I have been slacking lately, but I've been spending so much time with my boyfriend. He is somewhat one of my favorite people to chill and be around. Last night I watched a movie with his parents, cuddling into him and he has this thing about him where he always make sure that I am okay. He gives me little looks here and there. I like to feel the acknowledgment. I like to feel seen, and when I ask a question, he listens intently. Sometimes though I can tell he is thinking a lot and if I try to tell him something I just lose myself and don't say anything. If I feel that you aren't listening my brain shuts down.

My body movement also kind of shuts down in a way. That's normal for people who have had a childhood where they had to hide their true emotions from their parents or guardians. In my asian household, feelings or addressing situations were more along the lines of being told that I am "dramatic." I knew I wasn't. I'm not now, it's okay to feel like the world is ending when you have situations come up that make you feel uncomfortable.

I applaud you for even dictating words or phrases that may help you get through your own mental breakdowns, or mini heartbreaks that you might not fully understand. We are learning everyday, and with growth comes mistakes and work. But, all of it turns into progress.

Please allow yourself to fail, without failure you wouldn't come to success.

Right this second, I am eating a spinach wrap that makes me want more, I love food so much. One thing I feel like people don't really think about is the way food you consume can make you feel euphoric like sex can.

As we all know, I love sex. I am induced by it, I am lucky enough to have had sexual partners that are almost at the level I am when it comes to wanting it 25/8.

My current boyfriend, he is a little bit taller than me, he is sweet and kind but also is able to take a joke. We banter, make fun of each other and I don't know I like our dynamic. He makes me feel safe. Everyone keeps telling me that he isn't my person. Not the one I should be dating.

Let's say that I don't care. He is my person right now. I love him, and I haven't told him that yet. Not directly and it'll happen when it happens. If I never say it, that's fine too. I don't think about rushing time at all, I am good with being lazy and enjoying the time I have with him, and the time we have together. We could do literally nothing and I would be fine with it. I think we as people don't allow ourselves to just be who we are in the moment and I can't fathom what my life would be if I didn't try to heal my anxious attachment style.

I think this relationship is helping me detach from the person I was when I became anxious when my person didn't text me. I know now that I have someone who is reliable, someone who will text me back when they can, someone who will be there, show me things, make me laugh, and has a vision for what he is going to do and is actively working on it.

Yesterday we were at the beach, with my boyfriend and one of my best friends. It reminded me of a movie, I am a bit of a mom when it comes to activities, I had goggles and two water guns. My boyfriend is a watcher, and he has a sailors mouth but he makes me laugh incredibly hard, and I don't know. I think that if I try to make sense of anything I just tend to overthink so instead. I just do. If I want something I do it. If I want to say something I just say it. If I feel something I let myself envelope in the feeling. I deserve to feel everything all at once or in segments, whatever it might be.

If you try to limit yourself, you won't ever see if you can reach your full potential. Let yourself go.

Anywho, this is a life I love to live.

Mahal kita

Amanda <3

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sexwithamanda · 1 year

Text

It's a bit chilly.

Onto episode #3.

Hello friends,

Let's start off this entry with what I did today, I know that it wasn't much but it felt like a lot. I went to work today, I work earlier than the sun. Last night I slept for like 10 hours and when I woke up, my left foot was swollen again. I don't really notice it during the day, but it feels painful more so at night time. I had enough courage to go to the gym today, I walked on my swollen foot up a hike, and made it out alive. Sometimes I feel like I'm limping on it. I think I will be okay though, I have a trip coming up that I am excited for, but worried. I've never been out of the country by myself. I am going to explore this country a bit with the little bit I have. I have tried to budget myself only to a small amount. I want the experience to be grand, but I don't want to spend all that much.

I am visiting Greece. I feel lucky to even have the luxury of going there, it's funny to think about because I don't think it should've took me this long to go. All my life I've felt like I had to be tied into doing things, everything to better my future, to make myself into someone or something that I might not be.

As a first generation filipino-american, I have struggled severly with finding an identity within filipino culture that is all my own. I can describe my life as a proving game to people that I am asian. When you get a hispanic mixed with an asian, you have a filipino.

I spent the younger years living in poverty, but being young and a kid was by far the greatest. I felt like I had more freedom given to me at the ages of 7-10, then I did once I went to middle school. I think it didn't matter as much in elementary because we were all different.

I had a great kid childhood, I got to leave school early on fridays, hung out with a bunch of kids my age, and go to go to the beach all the time. As an adult I love it so much so as well.

There are nights, where I feel insanely blessed that I can do what I do.

Anyways this is from a lil bit ago, just wanted to post my thoughts.

Mahal Kita,

Amanda <3

#poetry #thoughts #love #realtionships #aesthetic #filipino #story #first generation #stories #blog #travel #lifetoblog #feelings #quotes #cold

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