Hurt and pain gets buried, yet always creeps up from the dirt to live.
It can never die if you let it take air from your thoughts.
Feeding off the moments it can appear and get stronger.
We give it life when we enter situations that tingle down our bodies.
It gets nurtured and survives longer when we go there.
It just continues to grow, clinging and covering over all parts of you that’s suffering.
It dims the light and casts a shadow.
When that light is trying shine, it needs strength to glow.
That glow can face the moments that cause overwhelming feelings.
That shine can warm the cold shivers and give heat, giving purity to the fowl claws of muck eating at you.
Hurt and pain don’t have to take over your life.
Within your soul there’s greatness to be unlocked.
Behind all the reasons to fall apart there are many to stand up and stay grounded to the root of happiness.
Once found, the will be no more dark days
Only the brightness that was always around .
More than a sparkle, larger then a glimmer.
No more hurt, no more pain.
Now you’ll shine in your ray of light beaming overing you from head to toe .
Written by yours truly
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Late Night Thoughts
You guys are literally the sweetest and thank you to everyone who sent a message of encouragement. Reading your messages helped me get through today.
Below the cut, I'm just going to rant about my situation and some thoughts, only because I need to get it out somehow and I don't have any other platform besides here. I hope you don't mind.
Putting a TW just in case those who read it are sensitive to mental health related issues.
I... just don't know how everything escalated so quickly. I was fine the entire day. Literally the entire day. I got out of work early. I was being productive by cleaning my room and getting some more work done. I was eating dinner with my family. But then all of a sudden, my sister got mad. And I believe it was because of me. And for some reason that put my over the edge and then I got mad.
She got mad because I wasn't helping set up the table, but the 'rule' in our house is that if you were working, then the people who weren't have to do everything else, like dishes, clean and whatnot. Mind you, my sister is at home all day, everyday. She's not in school, she's not working. Literally on her phone all day, every single day. But she does nothing around the house. When I come home, I feel like I have to do everything. I have to be the responsible one because my brother and my sister aren't doing anything to help. And then on weekends, I just want to relax but nooo. Nope I have to help out in the yard, my parents want me to cook, I need to do dishes, laundry, sweep and mop the floor. Like? Come on, can I not get a break?
I never asked to be in this world. I never asked to have all these responsibilities. I hate being at home because of this. If you want to do your little projects outside, fine. But I don't want to do it. You can't just expect me to help just because I live in this house. Why am I the only one trying to help but my siblings WHO ARE SO LAZY AND DO NOTHING not help. and when I don't want to help, I get shit for it?
So why don't I move out of my parents house? I want to. I looked into it and want to soo badly, but I simply don't make enough money to move out on my own. I could with my boyfriend, but he's going back to college and we won't be in the same town. But I calculated, and if I get two full time jobs, I'll be able to make ends meet, but even then, I don't think I would be making enough to pay other bills.
I mentioned the idea of moving out to my parents during that dinner and they were like sure, but I don't make enough. Which is a bummer to think about but I really really don't want to live here anymore and I expressed that to them. But I said it in a harsh way, saying that I hated living here. Which i mean, is how I really feel. But I felt really upset when my dad sounded like he was about to cry. and the look on my mom's face was just shock and confused, and it kind of hurt. And then I got upset that I made them upset.
So i went to my room to cry. But this whole thing is just frustrating, just like thinking about life and growing up. I don't want to be an adult. I hate it. Thinking about how stressful it would be and how hard it would be just... i didn't like it. So I have these episodes of when I'm really sad, I'll get mad to the point where I don't know how to handle it. So I take my anger out on myself. I hit myself. In the face, in the head, with my fists. I slapped myself. I banged my head on the wall as hard as I could, just as like my own punishment, if you could call it that. And then I tried to calm down, but thinking about moving out, doing more calculations, looking at different apartments, but my computer was so slow and I was getting more frustrated that it was taking me over the edge. My mom heard and she didn't like what she was hearing.
So we got into an argument. She didn't like that I was hitting myself and being loud in my room, but like that's how I deal with my emotions. Sorry that you don't like it, but it's my body. If I want to harm myself, then I can. I'll suffer the consequences later but in that moment, that's what I want to do, And I have this mentality that I want to live the worst life I could possibly have. So I said some mean things. I told her that if she didn't like what I was doing then kick me out. She said to leave. And that she didn't care. So you know what I did? i left.
No phone. No wallet. No car keys. No money. No shoes. I just walked out with only the clothes on my back. And I walked. For a while, I don't know how long I walked but I know I didn't get very far. I only stopped because it was getting dark. But the whole time I was walking, I cried. And I cried until my throat was hoarse and dry and I couldn't cry anymore. In that moment, I just thought, god I really hate my life.
But when some people look at my life, they think, oh you should be lucky because you live in a nice home, you have a family who's all alive, you have a job, you have clothes and food, everything you need is right there for you and some people have it worse. I know that, but I still hate my life. I think it sucks. If I could end it, I would. That would be easier than adulting and stressing. And I thought about doing it last night. I was by a high way, on a bridge. The only reason why I didn't was because I didn't want to get other people involved. So I made my way to a hospital that was nearby and I used their phone to call my boyfriend. He came to pick me up.
So don't worry. I'm safe. I'm home, even if I don't want to be here.
I don't know why I do the things I do, say the things I say. I should go see someone but this happens every once in a while, where I'm happy for so long but once I get upset, it turns really ugly. Am I going crazy? Am I just being rebellious? Am I being immature? Anyway.
But if you made it this far, thank you for reading. I needed to get it off my chest somehow.
Good Night. :)