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xoxitgirl · 4 months

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⊹₊ ⋆ seasons results! ⊹ ࣪ ˖

⟡ part one ⟡

so usually I try to write it down from the day i start and document the results from then but I literally forgot lmaoo so heres it broken down into every couple days/every week! ima keep this method tho ngl because its so useful but this is probably gonna be a long post bc i wanna be as raw as possible w ya’ll.

season one: jdnavsthewrld ⋆𐙚 ₊ ˚ ⊹ ♡

overview

so first and foremost—my season is going to be filled with all of my designs blowing up, making hundreds of dollars a week, improving my relationship with my boyfriend, and getting a new charger. I wrote out everything in detail so that way it was easier for me to understand exactly what I want like shipping out orders and stuff in my new car, taking a trip to NY, collaborating with some designers that I really like + meeting some designers as well, having hella photo shoots, etc! so it starts off with me getting a new car, it’s easier for me to process all of my orders and get yarn/make clothing just because I have a more efficient car.

dec 3-10

this week was full of me reminding myself im living in my season and my whole idea is about my buisness blowing up and a new carr so ngl its already blown up a little cause someone posted my skirt but it slowed down and now its picking back up. one thing that I’m trying to remember is that I’m not going to know how good it is to have a lot of sales unless I know what it’s like to have lower sales like understanding the duality of owning a business that not every single day you’re going to have the most ideal amount of sales, but that time to be creative and breathe will definitely lead you to that outcome in the long run. I made 4 sales this week so its definitely making me feel a little like imposter syndrome like this cant be happening blah blah blah but I quickly redirected my thoughts to, “what happens in my season? my business was meant to blow up, this is what I’m meant to be doing.”

dec 11-18

okay I made 6 more sales, when I started I had 25 now I’m at 35 so I feel hella confident because I’m constantly falling asleep doing SATS. I can literally feel all the excitement and anxiety and nerves that come with an abundance of success. I sold my biggest custom order to a new client, this two piece set and a fur skirt so I’m like damn. its only bigger and better from here. another thing I added was me and my boyfriend are getting better and connecting more and I feel like our relationship is definitely growing in a healthier way. I made around $300 this week from my pieces so I cant even be upset if I wanted to (,:

dec 19-25

so okay new updateee I sold another 3 item set so I made another $100 this week, mind you im writing this the 21st so the week’s not even over yet, and I feel hella confident in my season. I finally finished drafting everything thats happening. im also having a lot of fun maintaining that it’s already mine. I literally spend so much time vaunting. I was meant to be a designer. of course I have sales, im that bitch. people loovee my clothes cause who else is doing it like me? literally nobodyy. this is what gets me to feel more confident too, if you’re not reassuring yourself who is yk? and my relationship is sooo goodd 🥺 like its been so peaceful and my bf has been surprising me with pinterest dates and shit like what is my lifee!!

ima come back and update after my moms bday, I always have a routine for the new year which is expelling all old energy. like cleaning my room, donating clothes, i also sage everything, make new sigils, wash my hair and alll my clothes so yeah lol i have a feeling the new energy will be beautiful.

dec 26-jan 2

okay I’ve been learning how to sew and I’ve been getting really really good at it. like making my own pieces by myself—before I used to have my mom help me, but now I actually know how to sew fr. I wanna show y’all so ill insert some things ive made/been making. ngl tho I think ima give it like a week or so more to really saturate my mind because I been listening to this sub by slade and its really been helping but I gotta focus on consistency! so thats really what im focusing on through the 15th so more updates around then!! my goal is to have more posts and get ready for a mini photoshoot.

jan 3-jan 12

jan 4th.. coming up with designs that are exactly what I envision/things that ive never seen knit or done in this style. made my collab post but skeptical about when I should make my collab collection so well see but I feel like the things im making rn are multimillion dollar designs like I can feel it in my core. also about to clean my car out soon to trade my car in for the charger of my dreams, apparently my parents were looking for chargers for monthsss and didn’t tell me cause they wanted to surprise me.. for reference y’all I literally have a charger sub i made 5 months ago and was so in my head about it but now i feel like my mind is fully saturated. every time I drive, it feels like im already in a new car, I imagine it in the driveway. I already have it in the 4d so its beyond mine in the 3d.

jan 7.. omg so update, I literally cleaned my car out today and I’m trading it in on friday like what the fuck is my lifee I knew it would happen but this was the first time where I realy put my foot down and envisioned myself driving the car literally everywhere. I race ppl like im in a charger already lmaoo the planes were bound to align sooner or later!! ill insert how it looks when it gets here yall we might have to order it but this is the first step in my journey—I get my charger, my design acc blows up, and so forth. (;

okay hi guys I made 2 sales recently and I just got my charger, everything literally feels like it’s falling into place and it’s kind of surreal. I think I’m gonna make a part two for my results because this post is getting helllla long but I GOT A 2023 CHARGER STX and tbh I wanted an R/T but the only one I could get was 2015 so im just hella happy I got a brand new car and it looks EXACTLY HOW I WANT—black rims, spoiler, it looks so mean!!! ugh im in love. peep my noface air freshener from my last car (,: and it only has 10 miles yall… I love using seasons so much

next post coming by valentines day! 💋

itgirl ⊹ ࣪ ˖

#vzn #xoxitgirl #seasons challenge

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neoheros · 4 years

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how would haikyuu boys react to you hitting them up at 3 am? feat. gym three squad !

tsukishima kei

listen LISTEN

i know everyone thinks he’s the punctual kid who got his shit together and has a nice bed time and stuff

but like ??? tsukki is just a lil boy who collects dinosaurs and has a crippling addiction to tiktok

this boy is awake at 3 am because he cannot for the love of god put his phone down

he’s basically bouncing back and forth from twitter to tiktok, he’s TIRED OF IT

at this time he’s got a pretty picture of you cozily asleep in bed cause it’s like almost the crack of dawn and he’s chill with the fact that you’re healthy and taking care of yourself

so imagine how betrayed he felt when you snap him a picture of yourself holding up a peace sign with a silly grin at 3:36 am captioned “wanna get ice cream w/ me? 😗✌️”

he doesn’t reply but he does leave you on opened

and you were low key hurt cause 3 am do be the time you’re on your feels

he snaps you back though after a minute or two

it’s a video of him rolling his eyes at you but then flipping the camera to show you that he’s already on his way out the door with car keys in his hand

he’s gonna pretend that he’s annoyed but cmon guys let’s be real

he wanted some ice cream too and his fyp was showing the same stuff over and over again

plus he missed seeing you ok 👉👈

once he arrives at your door, he’s all grumpy but you don’t buy it !!! nah you see right through his act !!

tsukki: we’re buying ice cream and then we’re going to sleep or so help me i’ll lose my mind and never function again 😤

you: so i’m guessing you wrecked your sleep schedule too this quarantine huh?

tsukki, on the verge of a meltdown: if i see the sunrise without sleeping again for the eight morning in a row i’ll cry

you pat his back and you enjoy your ice cream together in his car while you both scroll through tiktok again

kuroo tetsuro

ok so contrary to popular belief, kuroo is in bed by 11 pm and wakes up at 8 am

like have y’all SEEN that man !!

y’all think he’s staying up til 4 am with THAT figure ?????

he’s got the body of a 6’2 nordic god and skin that is smoother than a baby’s bum

this boy takes care of himself and it SHOOOOOOWS !!!!!!

so anyways it’s 3 am and you’re still awake because who the hell isn’t these days like please

you knew that your boyfriend was most likely asleep by now but if you knew anything and i mean anything about kuroo is that he never puts his phone on silent

so you weigh out the pros and cons on asking him to come eat out with you and it didn’t take you that much time to decide tbh

pros: he gets to see you and it’s been so long since he has

pros: think of all the hugs and forehead kisses you both are missing out on

pros: you can ask him to bring his grey sweatshirt which always smells like his cologne that you forgot to take from him

cons: bro after thinking of that last one, the cons didn’t even matter at this point, you just missed your man like damn :(

so you facetime him and it takes numerous of rings before the call got dropped

you: oh so he’s SLEEPING sleeping :/

but then like before you could ring him up again you’re already getting another call from him

you take a second or two cause your heart was just so warm like !!! that’s my baby 🥺👉👈

you answer and he’s so pretty y’all it’s unfair like how did this man just wake up

his hair was all messy and he’s rubbing his eyes and stuff but also you can clearly see his silver chain on his exposed collar bone and NGJEJDKSKZKA

you, out of breath: h-holy shit

and his bed voice !! it’s all deep and groggy like who gave you the right ??

you swear you felt your heart stop when he went “babe, it’s 3 am,”

sir we are supposed to be social distancing please do not make me act up

kuroo, half asleep: did you need anything baby 🥺

you, on the verge of tears: i wanted mcdonald’s but instead i’m getting attacked 😤

and you just watch him stifle a yawn before his face erupts in a goofy ass smile as he goes “mcdonald’s it is.”

KENSKWNS I LOVE KUROO

bokuto koutarou

BABIE !! HE IS !! AN ACTUAL BABIE !!

i’m just gonna be flat out honest here, he’s the one who hits you up at 3 am to hang out

bc it’s quarantine and social distancing has taken so much from him already and he just wants to see his babie ok is that too much to ask

so it’s not a surprise to anyone when it’s 3 am in the morning and he finds himself in his feels cause both you and akaashi fell asleep on him and he’s just !!! 🥺

he’s nowhere near falling asleep too cause every time he tries to sleep his messed up body clock is just like nah bruh it ain’t 9 am yet 💀✌️

so he’s contemplating either going out to get starbucks alone or dragging you or akaashi out of bed

he goes with the latter cause you know what it’s what he deserves !! 😤😤

he calls you in a heartbeat after making up his mind and his heart falls to his stomach when you don’t pick up

but two minutes later you snap him a photo of you in bed rubbing your eyes with the caption “this is the earliest i’ve woken up in 3 weeks”

he laughs aloud at that and his heart is doing jumping jacks cause you’re so cute and it’s like YOU !! WERE !! MADE !! FOR !! HIM !!

he snaps you back with him in his hoodie, a wide smile and his keys brought up to his face with the text, “starbucks w/ me?”

the two of you end up falling asleep in his car on a parking lot and you wake up to see that he took off his sweatshirt to cover you from the cold 🥺👉👈

akaashi keiji

akaashi keiji is the most perfect boy in the world

so y’all can bet that the latest he’ll stay up is 11 pm with the ensured fact that he’ll wake up at 7 am

he’s a pretty light sleeper though but he never puts his phone on silent because what if he’s needed and there’s an emergency 🥺

yes he is That kind of person

he tells you everyday to try and have a better sleep schedule to train your body clock but do you listen? no 👉👈

so he’s kinda alarmed but also not really when his phone lets out a consecutive amount of notification pings

they’re all from you and at first he’s worried because woah that’s a lot of snaps and texts

but then he remembers that oh they’re all from you

anyways he wakes himself up, running his hand through his hair as he goes through the span of messages you sent him

basically ranging from “hey keiji in the tiny TINY chance you’re still awake do you wanna play imessage games with me” to “i’m so upset look how pretty that cat is,”

he had a smile on his face the whole time he read through them

he sends you a snap of his sleepy face with a soft grin and captioned it with “are you still bored and awake?”

and it takes you a minute and a second of tearing up over having the most amazing boyfriend ever before responding to him

you send him a snap of you with your hand over your chest saying, “i’m hungry now too 🥺”

akaashi, already on his way out the doorway with an extra hoodie and a bucket of ice cream: omw ❤️👍

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dirt-cup-draco · 4 years

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Edmund x Reader- I’m Sorry

Could you please do an Edmund x reader angst in which he won’t let you to go on any missions with him, something you had been doing much longer than you had been with him, which makes you frustrated. Could the reader say something like “I won’t be here when you get back” and he doesn’t believe her bc she’s “said that before” but to prove a point she does run away to a friends in a village. Ed returns home, panic ensues. You’re found, loads of angst. You can choose the ending. Sorry that was long

You nearly screamed in frustration as you watched Edmund strap his sword to his side. “I am more than capable! Let me come with you!” You begged for the millionth time in the past hour. He was being unreasonable and you had about had it.

“The answer is no! We don’t need any more than we already have, it’s a simple visit west,” Edmund reasoned but you could tell he was frustrated. His cheeks were red and his teeth clenched. He was tired of this conversation but so were you.

“Fine!” You shouted, “I won’t be here when you get back!”

Edmund scoffed, walking past you as he left your shared bedroom. But not before yelling over his shoulder, “I’ve heard that before! It’d be a miracle if you did leave, then I’d finally get a break from you!”

Your heart sank as the door shut quickly. You sank to the floor, back pressed against your bed as your fiery mood was extinguished. “Asshole,” you cursed softly at your husband who was probably already at the stables now, leaving you behind again.

You were sick of being stuck inside. You wanted to adventure, you wanted to help if he needed it. You didn’t want to be seen as a useless wife. Marrying Edmund had been one of the best things you’d ever done but for some reason he had grown more protective. He absolutely detested the thought of you going with him when he was on official business, as if there would be trouble.

Sniffling, you pulled yourself together and packed a small bag. If he wanted a break from you then he would get one.

Edmund arrived as the sun was setting, back aching and mind numb. He just wanted to have a nice meal, curl up with you, and go to sleep. It had been a useless journey, a messenger finding him and his company of men three quarters done with their travel only to report that the representative that was expected to meet with them was ill and couldn’t make it. Why would you possibly want to come with him?

He pinched the bridge of his nose as he returned his horse to their stable, thinking about the fight you two had had. Edmund knew he shouldn’t have said what he did but he had just gotten so frustrated with you. He worried about your safety constantly, you were the most important person in his life and he couldn’t bear being without you.

On the off chance something did happen one of these days, he didn’t want you to be caught in the crossfire so time and time again he said no.

“Y/N?” He called out as he entered your bedroom, the low light of a still burning candle casting menacing shadows on the wall as he ran a hand through his stiff hair, wincing as his fingers caught on the unruly mess. “Y/N, come out please, I’d like to talk!”

Edmund made his way towards your bathroom, assuming you were taking a bath as you usually liked to do to relax when the both of you got irritated with one another. But, to his surprise, you weren’t there. He supposed it wasn’t very odd, you liked to wander around the castle because you could never stay still for long.

“Lucy!” Edmund called out as he found his sister leaving the dining hall. “Have you seen Y/N?”

Lucy shook her head, eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “I thought you knew, didn’t you see that her horse was gone when you got back?”

Edmund paled. “W-what do you mean her horse is gone? Where could she have gone?”

“I don’t know!” Lucy squeaked back as Edmund started to get nervous. She never liked seeing her brother upset. “I thought you knew, I’m sorry. I’m sure she’s just gone out for a bit,”

“And I’m sure she hasn’t...” Edmund groaned, wringing his hands together, “I-I said something before I left today and oh god...” He couldn’t finish his thought as he raced back to the stables. “Lucy send some men out to find her, I want her home tonight!” He ordered over his shoulder, his sister more than happy to comply. She was worried too, you were family.

Edmund’s stomach churned with every minute that passed. He hadn’t meant it! Of course he didn’t want a break from you, he just wanted you safe. It seemed he had forgotten that he wanted you to be happy as well. You were his peace of mind after a long day and now that you weren’t home he was going insane.

He didn’t care if you stayed out late or accidentally got caught up in a book, forgetting to come to dinner. It was fine that you lived your life, but he surely wanted to know when you left cair paravel! It wasn’t safe this time of night for anyone to be traveling on their own. Edmund had seen the horrors of the world and even if it was a time of peace, he couldn’t help but fear for you.

The more time passed where he didn’t know if you were okay or not, the more he worried, his mind running wild. What if your horse had been spooked and tossed you from their back, injuring you and running away? What if you had taken a walk after tying up your horse, rolling your ankle somewhere or slipping and hitting your head? Or worse, what if you had been attacked by bandits? What if his sweet wife was laying somewhere, alone and dying?

His chest was tight, the hairs on the back of his neck standing tall as he worked himself up. Everything felt hot and suffocating despite the wind that rushed past him as he raced throughout the surrounding land, calling your name.

“Your highness!” Came a voice on the wind and Edmund immediately halted, heading straight for the soldier who stood tall in his saddle. “I have found her,”

“Take me to her,” Edmund demanded. “Now!” He stressed as the poor soldier stalled. It was understandable why the young king was so distressed.

Edmund followed the nervous soldier to a small town on the outskirts that he hadn’t even thought to gone to. Your horse was tied to a dainty home, chewing at the tall grass.

“Y/N!” He shouted, jumping from his horse and pounding fiercely at the door, even as his knuckles ached at the force of it.

You sighed at the sound of your husband’s voice, your friend rolling her eyes as her story was interrupted. “I told he’d come,” You tried to keep the pride out of your voice.

You opened the door and you were expecting a proper fight now, positive that Edmund would be angry with you. Instead, he shoved past the threshold and gathered you up in his arms. His body shook as you held him back, nearly toppling over with the force of him.

“Please don’t ever do that to me again,” He croaked, voice hoarse from calling out your name as hours had ticked by without answer. Your lungs constricted with guilt as Edmund pulled you impossibly tighter, heart nearly bursting from his chest and limbs tense with panic.

“Edmund I-” You began but he pulled back, interrupting you with a toe curling kiss.

“I’m so, so sorry,” Edmund sighed, forehead pressed fervently against yours. “Can we please go home and talk? Or not talk? I just want you home, I’ll do anything,” His voice cracked and your heart broke.

“I thought you’d like to have me gone...” You admitted as your bottom lip began to quiver.

“Never, never in a million years,” Edmund promised as your eyes grew misty.

“As much as I love that you’ve gotten over your little spat, Y/N, I don’t really like having the whole king’s army outside my front door,” Your friend laughed, pointing to the few soldiers who had gathered out front, neighbors peaking their heads out of their doors in curiosity.

You laughed, head falling to Edmund’s chest. “Of course, we’ll get out of your hair,” Your promised as you wished your friend goodnight.

“I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have left,” You sighed against Edmund’s back as you two made your way back home, the soldiers taking your horse ahead for you as you wanted to ride back with your husband and have a talk.

“I shouldn’t have made you feel like you couldn’t leave.. I don’t want to trap you, I just want to keep you safe,” Edmund admitted, slowing his horse to a steady trot as you trailed light kisses from the nape of his neck to between his shoulder blades.

“I love that you care so much, but the world isn’t as scary as it used to be,” You promised, rubbing his chest to remind him to take a deep breath. Edmund relaxed immediately under your touch.

You fell into a comfortable silence, eyelids heavy as Edmund helped you down from his horse, leading you to your room. Helping each other from your clothes, you fell into bed with a content sigh, tangling your legs with Edmund’s.

“I love you Ed,” You mumbled, kissing his chest as you tucked your head underneath his chin.

“I love you too,” Edmund spoke but you heard the pause. “A-and next time, you can come with me,”

You were too tired to do much but smile.

Edmund and you held each other a bit tighter that night but when you woke in the morning, you both felt better than you had in quite some time.

#edmund x reader #edmund pevensie #edmund pevensie x reader #ask #request #anon #fluff #angst #anon ask

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literaphobe · 3 years

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mcyttwt is SO intense omg they’re all v young and trying to jump on ccs for literally any slip up they make even if it’s like ten years ago. like i enjoy the content but it is so much less stressful hanging out in otv&f twt lol. that being said if you’ve been enjoying watching manhunts etc you should watch some minecraft championship (mcc) vods! they’re really fun, it’s like a bunch of mini games and banter and friendly rivalries, some ccs make shorter highlight videos on their youtube channels but usually the entire vods are v enjoyable (a lot of them are uploaded to youtube if you search your cc of choice + the championship number). i would highly recommend checking out any pov from mcc4 purple pandas (technoblade, philza, wilbur soot, tommyinnit — the ‘original dream team’), mcc8 pink parrots (dream, technoblade, king burren, michaelmcchill — dream and techno rivalry turns best friends arc), mcc11 fuchsia frankensteins (dream, sapnap, george, karl — this one is like an action movie it’s Wild, if you’re watching dreams pov i would rec jumping to another vod for one section bc he doesn’t have audio for a bit. for Reasons) and mcc12 green guardians (philza, wilbur, george, tapl — george and wilbur have such great chemistry, the overall banter in this one is unmatched)

yeah i mean mcyttwt is HUGE it’s why stuff trends all the time it’s literally an accident mostly n the twitter algorithm’s fault because they literally control what goes there it’s so. dumb. anyway yeah! otvfriendstwt is definitely more peaceful because it’s smaller but there’s also people who are kinda weird there. weird people in every fandom n there are people that are kinda like uh. very wild i will say. but i follow SOME people like that because i think it is very funny. sometimes people say things n i am either laughing with them or at them. it’s a little mean but at the end of the day im laughing so it’s a win for me

anyway i’ve seen both dream and george’s POV of mcc11!! i think nothing will blow my mind more than that mcc because dream team + karl is just an ABSOLUTE banger dynamic and the fact that they ALL ran into trouble like dream uh. went afk for private reasons for an entire game. and he still ranked first individually overall JFJDJDJ like man what an L for everyone in that competition. also spanap’s mic wasn’t working right n Karl’s internet crashed AND they had to play build mart which is VERY color dependent n both George n karl are colorblind 😭😭😭😭 and they still won it was a crazy journey n just so entertaining

i think one of my fave bits of that was just how they worked together n were v encouraging towards each other, hyping each other up? esp since karl was new to mcc, also re dream like i remember in sky battle george was like “who needs x when ur DREAM!!” like george has been there since dream was just an average minecraft player who was like on par w him and watched him grow So Fast into arguably one of the best in the world and it’s just.... friendship :( good :(

LIKE i just really love the dream team friendship so much in general like im watching dream’s ‘if i take damage in minecraft i get shocked in real life’ stream and george n sapnap were teasing him jokingly most of the way but when dream started to get upset re wanting to give up because getting shocked hurt a lot n he was scared n also resigned because he was convinced everyone would accuse him of cheating even if he did beat the game and like..... sapnap n george got SO gentle with him and they were encouraging and soothing and made him feel better idk how to explain it. also one of the funniest exchanges i remember: (note that this is probably not an accurate recap)

dream: it’s not fair :( it hurts n everyone keeps calling me a pussy :(

sapnap, who was definitely one of those people: dream 🥺 listen to me 🥺 u are NOT a pussy 🥺

JDJDJDJD idk something about that and the way it was all being said felt funny to me and like george was being like calm n firm with him and laying out what needed to be done n giving him instructions n like what timeframes he expected them to be completed in n like. when dream wanted to quit in the nether he was like “george YOU quit in the nether when u did this (so why can’t he)” n george was like yeah but don’t you wanna get further than the nether just to say u did better than me? n dream kept going KDKSKDKDK like idk it just hits as. someone who also has adhd watching someone w adhd and w like visible adhd traits have such. loving friends who just. GET IT idk idk

anyway!! i literally wanna see mcc again so bad :( like how cool would it be to watch it live..... i want a team w dream george quackity like i want them to carry quackity :(((((( i want him to win n i wanna see the absolute chaos of their dynamic in a competitive collaborative setting

#ask #mcyt #dream team #i KNOW this is long im sorry #is it weird that it makes me feel represented somehow #JFJDJDJDJDJDJDK LIKE I DONT KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN ANY OF THIS #but yeah this content slaps #please talk to me more about this u guys #love u lots #feel free to drop by whenever

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crazycookiemaniac · 4 years

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Omg why are you losing so many followers youve been drawing gay shit for forever??? (Or maybe i as a gay was just interpreting it that way)

Because I literally spammed people every day for one week lmao. And also, a lot of people follow others for specific content. The moment I stop drawing that exact thing they followed me for, they unfollow me. There are also accounts that follow just to make you follow them & if you don’t, they unfollow you after a while. There’s people who followed me for haikyuu & weren’t interested in BC content, and there were people who followed me for BC content but got showered in gay art instead and that was not their cuppa tea.

But mostly, i start appearing on people’s feed the more I post. So having me post incessantly for one week made me show up on feeds that I hadn’t shown up for a good while, so there were probably people who forgot they had followed me in the first place & me posting was a reminder to unfollow.

Truthfully, follower counts are dumb. Yes, it is important for you to have a high follower count for you to get attention, but the amount of people actually following you if you don’t have a consistent art style & rarely ever post something with different vibes than your usual ones, is equal or less than 1% of your total amount of following.

My instagram tells me I have 43k. I do not have 43k people following me. I’ve had 43k that once saw my account & pressed the follow button, but their feeds are filled up with other people’s accs that interest them more than mine (as well as my own feed does not show all the content of the 200+ something people I follow, unless I scroll down till the depths of hell to find every single post on that day and then do so on the next day as well).

Essentially, 95% of your followers are there because of content. They want to see what entertains them. Most of them don’t care about the artist and don’t interact with them at all. Many of them are scared to, given the high follower count. Social media & big accounts make people forget that there are other, real, living & breathing people that are behind them all.

So, to many, I was just a random artist they found and “lol”ed at one of my comics & pressed follow without thinking about it. Most of them don’t go to my account and see all other art I’ve posted to see if they actually like what I do, or me as a person and as an artist at all.

People who don’t know this get really discouraged when they don’t earn a lot of followers, or when they lose a lot (like I did). And some people think you gotta have hundreds of thousands to be famous. I’ve seen accs going around that paid for ads, that had over 150k followers and less than 1k likes on their posts.

Truly famous, loved, growing and/or steady accounts have an amount of likes per post proportional to their follower count. For example, if someone has 150k followers, most of their posts will vary from 20k to 100k likes.

When I was growing my account because I hopped in the fandom bandwagon and stupid little me didn’t know that would only make me crash later, I had like 20~30k and some of my posts reached more than 20k likes (because people liked my stupid comics). Nowadays, I’m not part of the fandom that made me grow anymore. I’m part of a very underrated one (Black Clover), as well a I am drawing a very underrated ship (LuGna) that above all else is getting hated on. I have everything against me in this, so it’s no wonder I lost so many followers.

They didn’t wanna see gay art. They didn’t wanna see Black Clover. They didn’t even know what the fuck was going on. Not everyone paid attention or kept up with my warnings. Despite me explaining multiple times in multiple posts what the Thunder Flames project was about, a lot of people still didn’t know what I was doing that for.

The thing about being a big follower count is that, unless you’re actually loved for what you do (and to do that, once again, I need to emphasize that you need to keep a steady rhythm, a steady vibe, a steady you. Because people follow you for your first impression on them, and you gotta keep up to that first impression if you wanna keep your followers.

I’m unsteady. One look at my gallery and you’ll see how disorganized everything is. Oh, lookit, a 1 min speedpaint of a random drawing I did on an old piece of paper! And right on the left there’s a stupid random comic I did–on the right there’s this super detailed, shaded drawing I’ve done that actually looks terrible to me and I will 100% archive it later, and then there’s B&W mixed with gray shaded, flat colored and fully shaded characters of different fandoms + OCs from commissions and whatever else.

The thing is, I made my follower count based on a fandom, and now that I’m not there most of that follower count does not have me on their feed. And most of them do not want me on their feed. Now, I’m trying to build a follower count for who I am as an artist, because the few people who have actually stayed and followed me throughout the years know how inconsistent I am in terms of art style, fandoms and everything else.

A solution to this would me either keep creating/posting the same thing all over again (just in different patterns), or creating original content (which I do plan on doing at some point). But for now? Since my follower count does absolutely not reflect on how many people actually like me and/or my art, I’m going to be as chaotic as fucking ever and do whatever the fuck I want.

So yes, I do find it comical that I lost 1k followers over this and am not fazed in the very least, especially because I literally foreshadowed losing 1k and hit the fucking jackpot.

The only reason I’m talking about this at all is because 1- it’s impossible not to notice my follower count decreasing, especially because every new 1k I thank people publicly through stories; 2- some people were actually worried I was upset over it and I have to 3- show that I am not, while simultaneously trying to show people that just because you’re losing followers doesn’t mean you have to stop doing what you want to create content to please people. It doesn’t mean you should be upset, and it doesn’t mean that what you’re doing is bad or wrong.

It means you’re fucking renewing your followers & you’ll now grow for what you’re trying to grow for, bitch. That’s what it’s all about.

Obviously, people do take a great risk doing this. I am taking a great risk doing this. I could’ve lost 5k, I could’ve lost 10k. But I only lost 1k! And that’s because I believe in the project I worked on; I knew there were people out there who enjoyed what I was doing and it’s on them that I was focused on. On the people who supported me AND my art, not just that one single funny comic post I did 3 years ago.

This answer is 100% a lot longer than what you could’ve possibly expected for and I am typing this while being awake for more than 24h so I’m sure that I’ve repeated myself a lot and that there are a lotta typos or w/e and I apologize for that!! But I’m too lazy to go back to read everything over & turn this into a neat post & I’m pretty sure I could answer your question in the first paragraph.

Oh and also. Yes. Yes I have been drawing gay shit ever since I’ve become an artist because I’m so fucking pissed at the lack of canon gay content in a way that it’s depicted as a normal fucking romantic couple instead of having eeeeeeeeveryone point their finger to the gay couple and scream “HEY THAT’S GAY!!! THIS CAN’T BE PART OF THIS VERY HETEROSEXUAL SHOW WHERE EVERYONE IS OBVIOUSLY HETEROSEXUAL EVEN THOUGH NONE OF THE CHARACTERS HAVE EVER SAID THAT EXPLICITLY BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT THE CREATORS ARE EITHER HETEROSEXUAL OR TOO AFRAID TO LOSE AUDIENCE IF THEY TREAT GAY PEOPLE AS NORMAL PEOPLE!??!! WHAT SORT OF ABSURD NONSENSE IS THAT??!! GAY PEOPLE AREN’T NORMAL!! THEY’RE GAY AND THEY SHOULD HAVE A GAY SHOW JUST FOR THEM IF THEY WANNA GET SCREENTIME” and yadda yadda yadda.

I’m tired of this bullshit. Ever since I was an artist I’ve been rooting for gay ships in shonen manga while knowing they would never happen just because they were gay, and now that we are in our Blessed-By-Satan, Pandemic-Chaotic, What-The-Fuck-Is-Going-On, We-Don’t-Know-If-We-Wanna-Go-Back-Or-To-The-Future-Or-Just-IDK-Fucking-Die year 2020, in which the LGBT community is thriving and being louder than ever to fight for our rights, Me, in my twenty four years of fucking age, having gone through several fucking disappointments ONLY regarding this matter, am sitting here on my ass, hopeful as all galactic, glittery shit that for some fucking reason, my new OTP formed by very underrated characters from this very underrated franchise in the southern and western communities, becomes canon because my stupid eyes can see chemistry between them even though those stupid haters’ can’t. But that’s because they’re stupid and homophobic, and they really should just shut the fuck up. I don’t wanna dream, I want to believe. Let a bitch pray in peace.

But even if I’m getting ready for disappointment, I’m gonna make this project happen and I’m gonna have a shit ton of artbooks from this Thunder Flames project inside my fucking garage if no one wants to buy them. But I am going to invest a shit ton of money in it and I am going to have these artbooks come to life. Because I am spiteful and petty and homophobes should shut the fuck up, and I wanna do what I wanna do bc as an independent artist, I’m building my future with my own two, very toned and buff by now from all the drawing I did, hands.

God fucking damn it.

Jesus christ I’m just rambling at this point, I’m so sorry. If anyone ever reads this out of context people are going to be so confused.

But that’s fine. They won’t. You know why? Cuz I got almost 11k followers here on tumblr but less than 0.5% gives a shit that I’m here, so I’m safe.

Have a nice day, drink your water and fuck homophobes. Peace

#Anonymous

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whatelsecanwedonow · 4 years

Note

“Radical empathy”. I like it—I think. If I’m understanding what you mean by just those two words lol... I’m just over/about half way in (though I do know some details of what happens in the back half). Im very curious of your thoughts. Maybe you could answer in broad strokes before the cut then free for all spoilers... and pls tag so that I can come back to it!) I gotta finish, but rn I’m building up to facing the “rat king” or w/e bc I am a massive baby and am v scared lol.

Thank you for asking!! I’ll tag this for you and put it all under a cut, just in case:

Good luck with the rat king, lmao. Nasty ass motherfucker. But the game itself, my thoughts are that it’s built game ever. Every mechanic, every movement, every control interface feels so smooth. It’s all fluid and instinctual. You can feel the detail to creation in everything. My favorite thing may be the sound design, though... the score, the ambient sounds, the sound of gore, the way that different environments feel so naturally different... everything is so real. It’s mastery. I’m already thinking about what this game is going to look like on the PS5 remaster.

As for story, yes, radical empathy!! Not my original idea but it absolutely is what this is all about. This is the darkest, most emotionally distressing... media/art experience? Ever? Surely for me and perhaps objectively, for most people. This game is unrelentingly harsh. It’s physically taxing. It’s extraordinary deep and the detail at every single level is absurd. It feels so natural in the way you inhabit it and live within the world as these people that the line between observing and participating in something is so blurred... obviously that’s the trick of a video game of this caliber, but you feel truly as if you’re an active participant with agency to make decisions in TLOU2, instead of being limited to observing what is to come. The first game did this well, but this game takes it to levels that, again, blur that line so much... I think that’s storytelling taken to a new and profound level.

And there’s all that depth and darkness meant to take you on a journey that in the end, I think. is meant to communicate not just the futility of violence, the sickening reality of the cycle of violence and how it can consume anyone. It’s saying that the best thing we can do, the bravest thing we can do, is care enough to forgive those who have wronged us most. At least, see them as people, see them as people who are equal to you. In every person is a universe, and all people have their own motivations, their own pain, their own trauma. And if you acknowledge that and overcome violent impulses that’s a radical act of empathy that can save so many people. Not the least of whom is the person who may have right to vengeance.

I’ll get more specific here: I think a lot of people are upset that Joel was killed so early on. I think they’re upset that we played so much of the game as Abby (Who I don’t love by the end, but I understand, and care about and like well enough). And it also seems they’re upset that Ellie didn’t bash Abby’s head in, or choke her out in the ocean. Well if you can’t get over that Ellie didn’t murder Abby I don’t think you get ANYTHING this game is trying to do. Killing Abby would destroy Ellie, probably forever. Murdering all of Abby’s friends already took her to the fucking brink. I think Ellie’s villainous actions in Seattle are very much akin to what we never saw Joel do, in the 20 years between Sarah’s death and Boston. She’s been broken. She was broken before going after Abby in Santa Barbara. If she had killed Abby and left Lev to fend for himself and possibly die alone, do you think she’d ever again be able to look who she’d become? She would see herself as being just as evil as Abby was to her. As evil as Joel was before learning to love Ellie. And it’s the thought of Joel, the changed man, the man who changed for and because of her that compels her to take her heroic stand. To spare Abby and refuse to go down the same road and perpetuate the cycle of violent loss.

And I hope it doesn’t seem that I’m taking Joel’s death lightly with those thoughts, I loved Joel. Watching Abby brutalize him and literally beat his brains in was stomach-turning. I identified with him so much not just because he’s a dumbass but because he loves Ellie like I love Ellie as a character. He sees that Ellie is a spectacular, hilarious, wonderful person who has known almost nothing but pain and hurt in their awful world. All he wants is to give her a chance at a world of happiness. And in protecting her and caring for her, in trying to create the opportunity for that happiness to grow, he can find redemption that he thought would never come again after losing Sarah. "If somehow the Lord gave me a second chance at that moment...I would do it all over again." That fucking broke me to pieces. Even though I think Joel and Abby’s father are both guilty of taking Ellie’s agency as a person away from her - why did it never occur to either of them to ask the girl at the center of this procedure whether she thought she should die? She was 14, so it’s arguable that she would have understood the gravity of her decision, despite the guilt of what happened with Riley... but Joel at least did what he did from a traumatized, if selfishly-born, place unconditional love. And the reveal that Ellie knew since two years prior to the main story, I think it proves that she was at least beginning to understand his motivation. As conflicted as she was, as much as it hurt that he lied, she loved him too.

I’ve read thoughts from a few people who have interpreted this the same way that I did, and this is just interpretation... clearly the game is completely ambiguous with the ending. Ellie is, literally, all alone in the world as she leaves the farm. She could be heading off to wander aimlessly as some sort of TLOU Mad Max/Road Warrior. But that would break my heart, lol, I don’t think I can accept that. She’s learned something profound in sparing Abby. I don’t think I can ever accept that she’s just going to drift as an empty shell of what she used to be forever. I think she wants to honor Joel by attempting to live the life both of them wanted to have: one of purpose and meaning, but also lasting happiness and love.

So I find hope in that the game begins and ends on that animation of the moths. At the start of the game it represents Ellie being draw into the fire, into the futile flames of vengeance and revenge. At the end the moths represent her being drawn towards the light - she’s been freed and has made peace with herself and Joel, and is leaving the farm to embrace the goodness inside her and honor the lessons she’s learned. The same growth Joel found by loving Ellie. The same growth Abby found in sparing Ellie and Dina, which is no small parallel to Ellie/Joel in the way that it was Lev that saved Abby from falling into a spiral of violence that she may never have broken free of again.

Ellie’s will always be traumatized, but she’s so much wiser. Two fingers lighter but so much wiser. And now she’s off to Jackson to hope that Dina can find the strength to forgive her. And Dina definitely went back there, by the way, she wasn’t about to try and survive on that farm by herself with JJ. Jesse’s family said she was always welcome, if you read Ellie’s journal you’ll see that was said. So I think, with time, they can work through the pain. It’ll take some unbelievable forgiveness on Dina’s part but Dina is emotionally strong and incredibly empathic. Did you notice the one thing Dina took from Ellie’s art room? She took the portrait that Ellie created of her. She didn’t let go, not entirely. And now I’m going to choose to believe that Ellie won’t ever again, either.

And she’s going to learn to play guitar pseudo-lefty with a pick and tear shit up again. 👌

#The Last of Us Part II #tlou spoilers #tlou2 spoilers #tlou 2 spoilers #i intended to control myself and then... i didn't #Anonymous

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living-dead-parker · 5 years

Text

Tickets - P.P

Summary: You got tickets to a concert and heartbreak. Who do you go with? Do you even go?

Warnings: this takes place during the school year so we’re ignoring ffh lmao but it does end up being spideychelle, flash and brad aren’t assholes and no one can convince me otherwise bc I make the rules around here, Felicia hardy bc I fucking can, cussing maybe, and angst.

I’m considering a very self-indulgent part two polyamory imagine w Felicia and Brad so lemme know if that’s something y’all want. Also, Brad and reader are seniors and they’re both eighteen.

Word Count: 1.7k

"Oh cool," you call out to no one in particular, not looking up from your phone. In fact, you were talking more to yourself than anyone, really. As soon as the words left your mouth, you look up and see your group of friends look up at you. "Sorry, I managed to snag two VIP tickets for the Yeah Yeah Yeah's show coming up."

"Oh really? That's awesome," Ned responds, sending you a smile. However, you feel a little bit sad when you realize that the person who you wanted to take with you, well, you can't.

You can, but you can't. As in, you can ask them and they can say yes and they'll be able to go, but it's the principle of it all. Peter's not yours anymore, he's not your boyfriend and that makes you sad. He's happy with going after Michelle and it makes you kind of sad. However, you'd rather him be happy and if it's with Michelle, then who are you to hold him back? Plus, they're not actually together. Part of you hopes there's still a sliver of a chance, while deep down, you know you're holding on to some false hope.

So now that leaves the dilemma of who to take with you. You have six options, but you'd rather not go with either Peter nor Michelle for selfish yet obvious reasons. That leaves four options, but deep down you know you don't want to go with Betty because she's more of an acquaintance you hang out with because of mutual friends. So that just leaves Ned, Flash, and Brad.

"Who are you taking with you?" Brad asks. You look up at him and see him already staring at you, a glimmer in his brown eyes. Almost like a look of adoration. Oh, sweetie.

"Not sure yet," you begin, looking up at the group of friends around you. Seeing Peter and Michelle lost in their own world, only looking up as their conversation dies down, kind of makes your chest feel heavy. Your heart drops. However, you shake the feeling away, not wanting to give into it. "I don't really know who I want to take."

"You should take me," Flash responds, holding his head high and giving you a smirk. A friendly one, at least, which makes you giggle.

"Or how about that Felicia girl you're always talking about?" Ned pipes up, earning a nod from Brad. "Isn't she like your new best friend?"

"She's not really a fan of them," you begin, though you feel the small smile spread across your lips at the mention of your new best friend. Some argue there's more, but that's far from the truth. She's helping you every step of the way through your heartbreak as a best friend. "She'd say yes if I asked her to come, but I don't want to do that to her. She already deals with enough of my shit."

"Is she single?" Flash speaks up, earning chuckles from Peter and Michelle. Even Betty giggles. However, Ned and Brad roll their eyes almost at the same time as you.

"Leave the lady alone," Brad defends.

Brad had the opportunity to meet Felicia, as he was over at the Tower once when she came over. The two hit it off and the three of you seemed to be like the best of friends around each other. Though Brad would never admit it to you, that though he has a crush on you, he sees that you and Felicia are a match made in heaven. Better than you and Peter ever were. However, he'll keep that to himself for now as you mourn the heartbreak of losing the kid you loved to the girl who you thought was a close friend. Though that was the only case as neither of you managed to make relationships with other girls until Betty and Felicia came around in your lives. Through Felicia or through SI you made new girl friends and you found yourself drifting further from Michelle.

"Hey, the girl is hot-"

"And she's not into little boys, okay?"

"You're only a year older than me, Stark."

With that, you ignore Flash and continue talking to Brad for the rest of the lunch period. The two of you discuss how you should organize a sleepover at the tower with Felicia and himself. You were quick to agree, as spending time with the two of them always seemed to make you genuinely happy. Your mind was never on Peter or Michelle, they made you laugh beyond belief, and they made everything fun. Brad had become one of your best friends, as he was now in the same grade as you and you were in all of each other's classes. Now as the school year approaches its end, you're finding yourself making pacts with him and Felicia on keeping up your friendship.

Lunch was soon over and you were left confused about who to invite to the show. You know Flash really likes the band and Ned likes them too. Brad sort of likes them, but it's not something he'd kill to see, so he's at number three on the list. As the day progressed, you find yourself thinking about.

A day turns into a whole week and the show is rapidly approaching. Once again, you're sitting at the lunch table, staring at the tickets in your hand. Unsure of who should go with you. With you at the table sits Peter. Michelle is running late, and everyone else has some test to makeup, some club, and who knows what else. Today is just you and Peter.

"I really like her," he goes on, speaking about Michelle. The more and more he talks about her, the more it breaks your heart. At least until you hear him say, "Have you ever been around someone who makes you so nervous and sweaty and you just want to say nice things to them and love them?"

The urge to respond with 'yeah, you' was strong, but you fought it off. He moved on and you can't blame him. People change, feelings change. However, as he drones on and on, further tightening the knot around your throat, you decide to stop holding back. He's had his peace, you need yours.

"Peter, I get it," you cut him off. His eyes go wide and his lips shut as he looks at you. His brows are furrowed as he keeps his eyes focused on you. "You're in love with Michelle, I get it. And I'm so glad you're trying to make things official with her. I'm happy that you're happy because after I met you, that's all I ever wanted for you. To be happy," you continue. You shake your head and bite your lip as you feel your eyes gloss over. Peter scoots closer so that he's directly in front of you. He reaches for your hand but you tug it away from him. "I get that you moved on and I'm fine with that. I can't hold you back. But you need to understand that it wasn't so easy for me to move on."

"Y/N I-"

"Just let me talk. You've had your peace, I just want mine. Nothing that I say is meant to guilt-trip you, to convince you to come back to me, or to hate on you and Michelle. But I can't hold onto any of this any longer. Seeing you so happy with Michelle kills me, because that was supposed to be me. I was so convinced that we'd be together forever because we were so unstoppable. So unbreakable. I never imagined myself wanting to settle down in the future and have a family, but then you came along and I wanted it with you. So to come back and lose you like that, it hurt me beyond belief. It hurt me, to see you move on so quickly, to see you all over Michelle, it hurt so much Peter. Because before all of that, you told me it would be us. But as I said, people change and feelings change. I don't blame you for that. But I need you to understand that it's not easy for me to move on. So I'm sorry if I'm ever staring too hard, or if I'm distancing myself from both of you, but I'm doing it for me. You're allowed to move on and be happy with someone else, you have every right. But I also have every right to be hurt and mourn the loss of the love of my life."

Peter's quiet as he looks at you, his eyes never leaving you. He sees the stray tears fall and he fights back the urge to wipe them away. Though it's more of a habit than anything. If he does it, he knows it'll stir up some unwanted emotions, so he stops himself. Instead, he watches you look down at your hands, biting your lip. He sees you wipe the tears away and put on a fake smile.

"I know dad wouldn't want me to be upset over this forever. In fact, he'd want me to be the bigger person and to make amends. So, I've decided," you say after a while of silence. At the mention of your father, Peter feels like he'd been punched. He vowed to Tony that he'd never hurt you. Yet here he was, hurting you. "You and Michelle can have the tickets."

"What?" Peter says, eyes wide and voice laced with genuine shock. Are you serious? "Y/N, we can't t-"

"I know you and Michelle enjoy the band much more than I do and the same could be said about anyone else in the group. Plus, I'm planning a sleepover with Brad and Felicia on that night. We'll probably be busy drinking and flying around in dad's suits to attend some concert. So, just take the tickets and enjoy your time with Michelle. Don't let the tickets go to waste."

With that, you stand up and grab your things. You set the two tickets down in front of Peter and walking away. Not giving him time to fight you on it. So instead, he grabs the tickets and puts them away, beginning to think of ways to thank you. Though a voice in the back of his head tells him that leaving you alone might just be thanks enough.

Send me feedback, requests, and asks!!

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haespoir · 6 years

Text

witch / cafe owner ! doyoung

genre: tooth rotting fluff

pairing: doyoung x reader

warnings: cringe? ? ?

word count: 1.4k

a/n: i needed witch doyoung but this turned more into cafe owner,,, so i might do a more witch related one?? ? hehehe idk i just word vomited so i hope you enjoy :-)

ok so you cant tell me that doyoung is not a musical witch

like say whatever you want

but he’s got music flowing through his veins

this means he works with music, musical chimes, or rhythm during his spells and rituals !!!

like imagine him humming and singing during a ritual aaa a. a a

or even playing instruments like the triangle or something

omg that would be so PRECIOUS

however

contrary to popular belief his house is not loud or noisy

he has little music boxes that he’s charmed to play in harmony with each other ( think merry go round of life from howl’s moving castle )

it’s so calming and just ugh.

it literally calms your soul

which is a good thing !! ! !

bc he runs a small little cafe in town hehehe with the same charmed music boxes

it’s a small little two story cafe that sits snug between a hair shop and a bookstore

which means he gets a lot of business

usually he’s able to handle it all

with his little charmed whisks and ovens working hard in the back, he’s never really needed much help around his little cafe

it’s not until idols start going to the hair shop next door and that means a huge influx of customers bc everyone wants to get their hair done at the same shop as their idol

spoiler doyoung thinks it’s dumb and the excited shrieks of the fans piss him off

like when he glares at his fansites,,, that’s exactly how he glares at the fans that come and disrupt his peace

i mean he’s so used to the calm bustle of his normal customers

the wild crowds that come and go drive him crazy

and he no longer wants to work the counter anymore

so a help wanted sign goes up

and that’s where you come in !

you’re actually not bending over backwards broke because of college

but you’re tired of asking your parents for money and you just want to get your own job so you buy them gifts with your own money

( aaawww how cute what a good soul )

now you’ve always been a regular at doyoung’s little cafe

every time you walk in your eyes are literally shining because it is so FASCINATING

you’ve never been to a cafe as cozy as his

you’re not sure if it’s the twinkling music that dances in the air or if it’s the warm tones of the brick wall

or maybe it’s the foliage that occupies the corners where the ceiling and wall meet that wrap the cafe in this type of comforting vibe

you often do your homework there,,,, and perhaps take too many naps but it’s kind of inevitable because wow that place is just so calming and cozy

anyways

as soon as the sign goes up, you’re the first one to apply and doyoung is like ? ? i didn’t even have the sign up for two days

but he knows you’re a regular and he kind of trusts you? ? ?

which is how you get the job in less than a week

soon you’re donning a loose fitting white blouse with a black ribbon tie and a warm brown apron, working comfortably besides doyoung hehee

it doesn’t take long for you to really grasp how everything works and you absolutely love working there? ? ?

i mean given doyoung is usually the one making the drinks and giving out orders while you take care of the cash register

you two fall into a routine and it’s quite comforting

lets say about two months pass by and while you love your job and doyoung is one of the best bosses you’ve ever had, you don’t know much about him??

you know that, while he’s an amazing baker, he prefers to let his enchanted utensils do the work. you know that he prefers white chocolate over any other ( which is gross doyoung you’re nasty i still love you but white chocolate is NASTY ) and he always is drinking a mango white tea

but it’s not enough ? ?

so one day you gather the courage to ask him to hang out

like outside of work

and good lord did you need a lot of courage

imagine doyoung, cherry bomb!era purple hair, a dark navy beret sitting snug upon his head as he looks at you, his eyebrow raised slightly in curiosity; a loose white blouse resting on his broad shoulders and it’s unbuttoned enough for you to see the thin silver chain that rests on his neck

i think i would faint oh my

but you’re able to mutter the words out “can we hang out, like outside of work? i mean i just want to get to know my boss !!! ”

and gosh doyoung is so precious he just says of course with the gummiest smile and you feel your heart jump out of you chest

like the uwu jumped out

i mean

perhaps you did have a teensy crush on him

like you’ve never heard him really sing, but gosh he’s always humming and with the most endearing closed lip smile too

it reduces your heart into a pile of goo in your chest

and even when he asks questions like if any goods need to be replaced,, your heart is ZOOMING

it makes sense that he’s a witch with an affinity for music

his voice is literally music to your ears and does things to your heart that you can’t explain

so maybe it’s more than a teensy little crush

a big Crush with a capital C and emphasis on big

but anyways the big day rolls around and you’re so NERVOUS ! !! !

you guys meet outside of the cafe and soon you’re off down the street

and your thoughts are just running wild

does he feel the attraction between you two?

is it just all in your head? ? ?

but you’re too shy to ask and soon enough you guys are off to visit a museum,,, about witches hehehe

i mean people know about witches and in this perfect world that i’ve crafted, there are no stereotypes that hurt them

so doyoung takes you through the museum and you can literally feel the excitement oozing off of him

he’s animatedly talking about everything and holding your hand without even realizing it ( or so you think )

you’re being dragged around by him, but not in a bad way

it’s so nice to see him passionately telling you about things that you’ve never really went out of your way to learn about

and doyoung’s heart is soaring

bc like you’re so interested in his history, in learning about where he comes from and it just makes him infinitely happy !!

Big Spoiler: he most definitely has a crush on you and has had one since you’ve stepped foot into his cafe

but the day is spent so nicely with him ? ? it’s like you guys were made for each other ( going✈soulmate!au ) and you’re so upset that you’ve wasted so much time bc you were too shy

anyways you guys are walking back to your place bc he refuses to let you walk home alone ( A WWW W ) your fingers are intertwined and they’re swinging with every step

your heart at this point has fallen out of your ass and you’re going ✈ DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH KIM DONGYOUNG !!!

all you can think about is how perfect the day was and you honestly wouldn’t mind doing it again

like everyday LMAOFNS

but you’re in your own world until his voice breaks your little trance

“you know i’m mad that it took this long”

and you’re like bro wtf u mean ? ?

“i’ve liked you since you’ve set foot into my cafe.”

BOOM ! your heart? ? ? gONE

you’ve got your phone out, calling a lawyer bc you want to sue him for making your heart explode

like you literally can’t bite back the smile that itches to break out across the span of your lips and you’re just ?? speechless ??

he lets out the most melodic chuckle you’ve ever heard in your life and you’re still searching for words and it’s like he’s stolen them

he ruffles your hair, with the most affectionate and endearing smile on his lips. you can see the smile lines forming above his cheeks

and you swear there’s no one else in the world but you two and wow he’s just perfect

“let’s do this again, soon. and not as an employee wanting to get to know their boss, but as your first date, with your boyfriend.”

and of course you say yes heheheheh

#kim doyoung #doyoung #nct #nct u #nct 127 #nct 2018 #nct scenarios #nct scenario #witch!au #cafe owner!au #nct imagine #nct imagines #doyoung scenarios #doyoung scenario #doyoung imagines #doyoung imagine

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kosmicdream · 6 years

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Hi I’m Kosmic. I draw webcomics and my webcomics are really long sprawling huge cast ones that will go on for years and they’re non linear and all this stuff that makes ppls heads spin when they try to explain wtf they’re about. I ask myself this question a lot: How the fuck do I maintain this motivation for continuing projects that are honestly, probably bigger than i can possibly feasibly create??? How do i avoid swallowed up by anxiety of my own creations???? is that energy going to run out at any time? should i be worried?? Well! For some reason I... don’t? like i get winded sometimes but in the end, I actually quite like what i do and I don’t care that it takes literally years to make my stories. but when I step back and look at it objectively it does make me scratch my head and wonder how i came to be in this situation. So, sometimes i try and write a few things that help me with understanding my own process, for whatever reason. Or at least I’ll TRY to articulate some of the things i seem to tell myself again and again that help me feel very comfortable with my writing/creating process. So if you want an insight into tips that i give myself.. this is that!

TIP #1 - Everything you Plan will take longer than you planned, but you can make it easier by unexpectedly including information you might have otherwise withheld.

Secrets are cool in your stories. I have so many of them, but I also understand that they’re much more fun to share than to always keep locked up and out of knowledge. I often overshare to the point where ‘info dumping’ happens which is often considered an unattractive quality in comics. But IDM it so much because my comics just need to be drawn and you can’t glorify and hold every flaw over your shoulders when in the end its not going to be that big of a deal. I think its better to give out more information than finding reasons to bend around a story to avoid revealing things. I feel it might even be more obvious if you attempt to do that.

Also, I feel that everything planned in a story can happen quite quickly, and feel much shorter than actually drawing it. Even with the experience ive gained, i still am surprised just by how much i must throw out to make my long scenes shorter and snappier. even then, they are still really long scenes. I don’t mind doing this, I like to make my stories this way- but ive also designed my comic to serve this pace by making my pages less intensive physically to make. I’m not going to go in depth about this as ive already discussed this many times before, but I do think its important to understand that generally, a commitment to a comic is going to be bigger and longer than it appears in your mind or even on paper as a script or thumbnails.

(my comic eggshells, for example, was originally going to be 340ish pages long. but back then, my pacing was much different-- and my pages were generally twice as wide with around 15 panels per page..sometimes more. but i would over-render and make them hard to read, and now i draw very few panels per page and my comics are much ‘longer’ in page count.)

TIP #2

-Accept that your ideas are bigger than what you can draw and enjoy the private context and history of your work without feeling like its less accomplished for not being all out there. Validate yourself but also understand that your readers are not going to understand the depth from your perspective and they will be engaging with the view they’ve been exposed to.

This is kind of a complicated one but I think that its both humbling to accept your work as this multi layered experiences of contradicting perspectives.. theres the planning and your engagement with the goals, the work of translating your creation to others and the vulnerable exposure of these ideas to the audience. As the creator, you get to see things in a very unique way that no one else can but... the one feeling you will never get to see is the audience who has no idea what will happen next. You can anticipate it, but in the end its so vast and unpredictable that it will be impossible to judge what they ALL will FEEL and sometimes? their perceptions can alter your own enjoyment of your work. I guarantee it will change it in SOME way.. that’s part of the sacrifice.

TIP #3

-Allowing change, flexibility and growth into your series- and letting go of control over all facets of it.

As time goes on things just change. Its hard to accommodate or prepare for that kind of investment in your work when you feel like you havent even gotten through the starting gates of your story. Comics are particularly difficult for that because once you draw a thing, it takes time to edit and you cant really undo and go back. Each panel informs and builds on the next. You have to use what’s there and figure out how it can be a structure for the future.

Accepting the past that has helped create the situation and platform of your comic in the present, which will lead into the future. Personally, i’m not a fan of retconing* certain decisions that have been already made into the canon-- however, i think if a new conclusion or idea is discovered in the process of writing and it works to include because it creates a new and alive energy in the work that will help push it to the next stage.. i think that’s very helpful and useful for sustaining the growth and motivation in a story. Making choices like this can be tricky, however, but even small ones can give a lot of natural growth and flexibility in the comic. The problem can often come with letting go of that unseen, unrealized version we had intended. I know for myself, i can get very nostalgically attached to old ideas but-- if i think of something better that works or makes more sense, I’m always thankful to let go and let my stories grow into a better thing. I try to remember where it came from, however. Because that helps inform me where to go.

(*generally my definition for this is altering events of the past, certain core plans of the comic, character motivations, or facts that are connected to the worldbuilding. im kind of a hoarder so once its in the story aka on a specific page-- its not going anywhere. until then things can be up in the air. for example, the characters knife and spoon were not originally intended to be mutually in love and it was more of a one sided idol worship, but as i fleshed their characters out i realized that it was mutual and it changed and altered the story because of that. now it cannot/will not be “undone” for whatever reason bc this is.. an established fact in the story. but at one point, it was not! i hope that makes sense.)

SO TO SUMMARIZE... plans will always be “”bigger”” in the ever expansive space of your mind so also dont be afraid to get to the point sometimes even if it feels a little, like. less exciting than you thought? accept your story is going to be different for YOU vrs your audience and make peace with that disconnect even tho its disorienting + upsetting sometimes & accommodate the ~natural personal and artistic growth~ you will experience and let go of things that might be holding you or your work back from improving with you. but also dont try to cut out too much of the past because.. it is what helped you get to where you are right now? focus on the present & allow growth for the future, dont try to alter the past and pretend it didnt happen. bc that will be confusing as fuck for everyone involved and also probably hurt the story more than help it. esp if its a long one. ur building a tower dont pull out too many foundational blocks and try to make it too much of something else unless its growing there on its own.. u kno?

When I try to write these tips these are just things I find myself doing in a cycle as i create that seem to keep re igniting my passion for my story again and again. It makes me curious because it also is a very instinctual thing so I thought I might try and write it out!!!!!!!!!! ENJOY.

ALSO some bonus thoughts!!!!!!!!!! I will say that I’ve never completed a long format comic series, so take it w/ a grain of salt imo. HOWEVER...I probably will, eventually. Even if I don’t, I do enjoy writing really big ones and I feel very happy with the work i do on them! and still feel no inclination to move onto other things. Or even when I work on other things, I don’t have a feeling of dropping a story entirely. (for example, i still intend to work on my older series eggshells and don’t really feel a desire to ‘quit’ that story even when i have matured as an author/artist since starting it.)

When I read really long comic series I wonder a lot of internal decisions that happen out of sight, since the timeline of a comic that you read is so much different than the timeline it takes actually creating the thing. its so easy to write/plan/form ideas for lifetimes of work that will never be realized, so what is it that we actually get in the pages? What aspects of this author are we actually seeing? how much have they grown since beginning and what about the story we will never know? I know I’ll never know, because, I am only the reader! And as the creator, I will never know what the feeling of my work as the reader. or the cool and interesting things they predict will happen based on their perseptions, which are so different from mine. Yet!! we are all engaged in the same story unfolding, never fully discovering what its like on the other side but only getting little glimpses and thats fascinating how a story is almost this vast illusion of experiences maintained by so many different minds.

Long format comics captivate me because they are just, really time consuming to make and the pacing of them are so different and less consumable than other stories. They like become.. this place you live in! Why are they my favorite to enjoy even when its natural that, when a story becomes longer, its going to end up attracting more & more issues? Why do i Not care about resolutions to long stories sometimes bc my expectations for them are different?? (also lets face it, experience writing long stories is going to be different than writing short ones because it takes time to write longer things & we are not going to have as much experienc having more than one completed super long multi-act-multi-characterplot story vrs a bunch of smaller ones. it doesnt mean its EASIER to write shorter ones, if anything id argue its probably much harder to write good short things + isolate a story down to that focused vision than making tons of long ones that avoid endings) but..yet!! here i am...

why am i constantly drawn to trying to understand long format stories when I probably could improve faster by writing shorter things??! i dont really know! but i follow my heart and my heart likes to do things this way......

anyway, this entire post is mostly inspired by the fact that many of my favorite stories started before i was even born or have been going on for decades and i wonder if we’ll ever read the endings to many of them.... would it.. matter? they’ve already inspired me so much even without a resolution because i can imagine my own endings to things.. but in the end that is not what happened in the actual story. it was only in my mind.. and yet it never happened, and was an illusion unknown to anyone but myself.....and sometimes my favorite stories are my favorites because of the things i imagined them to be, rather than what they actually were or how they actually turned out.. i dont know how this happens..... but i wonder about what this means with my OWN comics, and how my perceptions of what they could be vrs what they are is like, this weird illusion that also exists only in my mind and no one else can see it. yet we are both looking at the same thing. and i want to know what others see and i never will get to??? ....stories are......... so fucking spooky!!!!!!!!!! AHHH!! ok thats all. thx for reading

#personal #comic writing #ffak faq

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jaeminlore · 7 years

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werewolf!sicheng

here we go w the next monster in the monct house

the way sicheng appeared is a bit of a sad tail tale tbh

so as a werewolf, sicheng was a part of a pack deep in the woods behind monct’s house

he didn’t even know it was there tbh

in case this isn’t obvious,,, sicheng is the runt of his pack

and he basically gets picked on all the time especially by the alfa and the beta of the pack

like they make everything extra hard on him and basically scold him when he can’t do the impossible

and one day sicheng has just had enough like he’s terrified that his own pack members are going to go too far with their punishments and actually kill him

he used to be afraid of running away bc he knew that he would be officially classified as a rogue and his scent wouldn’t belong to any pack

he’d be on his own,,,, and treading back into any kind of pack territory would be an immediate death sentence

and he’s scared and alone,, but he knows this is what he has to do

a pack is supposed to be a family,,, and sicheng only feels like a prisoner

so one night he darts off

he’s the quickest werewolf in his pack, so this works in his favor

OH wait let’s describe the wv: werewolf visuals for a moment shall we

okay you know during johnny’s communication center when winwin looks super duper soft and his hair is that pretty shade of copper brown i know y'all sleep on his visuals but you have to remember look

bc when sicheng transforms into his wolf version, his fur is that same soft copper and his eyes are still big and curious to the world

and he’s limber, both as a wolf and as a human

but he isn’t the slyest,,,, and within ten minutes of running he can already hear his alfa howling from the pack headquarters

it’s threatening and scary and maybe ten minutes is a good head start in human speed but as a werewolf sicheng is doomed if he doesn’t find a hiding place quick

he darts to the left until he sees a light,,,,,, which he realizes is a human house

and…….. tbh………. he’s never seen a human before like he’s heard a bunch of legends about how they’re scary creatures who poke monsters w pitchforks and light werewolf homes on fire

so he’s highkey terrified to go anywhere near the house

but he needs to hide, so he squeezes through the doggy door in the back door of the house

and he panics once he’s in the house bc he can sniff humans and he’s terrified of them finding him so he runs up the stairs,,, into the first room he can find,,,, and he crawls under the bed

and he’s just hoping all the werewolves in his pack won’t come into the house,,, but he knows they can smell him,,,,,

so hesitantly he creeps out from under the bed and looks around for any kind of cologne or perfume

his eyes finally catch on an entire perfume shelf lol like whoever owns this room must collect them for the aesthetic or smth

sicheng just thinks he’s lucky

he transforms back into his human form and like grabs the vials,,,,, and just pours them all over his body,,,,,, and then he pours the rest into the carpet, transforms back into his wolf form,,,,, and rolls around in it to mask his natural scent

this is how you find him LOL

you had just gotten back from your classes and you can smell the absolute floral and fruity storm wafting from your room

and you walk in to see a wolf rolling around in spilled perfume

and tbh you’re a bit startled at first, but you’re even more startled when the wolf notices you and retreats to the corner of your room, its tail between its legs

“hey,,, doggo,,,, idk how you got in here but would you like some food? my moms got a whole t-bone steak in the freezer that i kinda don’t want to cook up so,,,, you can have it if you want”

and the wolf kind of cocks his head to the side as if it’s confused,,,,,,, and before your eyes the wolf forms into a boy,,, a rlly cute boy that is

and he pulls his knees up to his chest like “aren’t you going to poke me w a pitchfork for stealing your perfume?”

you kind of shrug like “look my grandma gets me new perfume every year for my birthday and christmas so i’m just glad they’re finally getting some use.”

“oh” and his voice is so soft and low like he geuinely looks scared of you,,,,, he keeps discreetly checking you out through his eyelashes, only to duck down when you make eye contact w him

“why’d you put it all on anyway?”

nd v v quietly and slowly, sicheng explains how he is a werewolf running away from an abusive pack,,,, and he’s afraid of being caught

and youre like dude!! don’t worry abt it let’s get you cleaned up and fed before i call some friends

so while sicheng takes a bath and gets all the dirt, grime, and fragrance off of him,,,, you call up human!doyoung,, who you know from university

“yo don’t you live at that monster house? can you take one more?”

doyoung agrees to set up a sleeping place for yet another monster

so when sicheng comes out of the bath, freshly clothed in an oversized sweater and some sweatpants you found, you grab his hand like “i found you a place to live!”

and he’s lowkey not rlly excited like he’s already met enough new people for one day thank you very much

but you’re persistent that these people will help him a lot more than you ever could

and you lowkey can’t have a boy at your house when your parents come home it just won’t end well

so sicheng agrees and you drop him off at the monct house

and the first to welcome him is zombie!yuta, who smells like a mix of rotting flesh and honey, and witch!mark, who is excited to meet his new roommate

and sicheng is pretty closed off for the first few days like he accepts the food doyoung slides under his door and then he sleeps the rest of the time

now listen,,,,, around the full moon,,,,, werewolves are forced to transform to like their top physical wolf form

and it isn’t like the soft wolves in the forest,,,, it’s like those creepy walking wolf creatures with elongated spines and long nails

and it hurts a lot,,,, but it can also make sicheng rlly horrible for the night like every wolf gets bloodthirsty and violent and just wants to kill

sicheng warns the rest of the boys abt this and they agree to lock him in a spare bedroom for the night

and none of them can sleep during the night bc sicheng is howling and whimpering and he sounds like he’s in so much pain

mark leaves in the middle of the night to his room to “work on something”

and shapeshifter!jaemin,, after nearly biting off his lower lip in worry, finally transforms into a puppy and toddles over to the bedroom to peak under the crack in the door

he barks for a bit,,,,,,, and it’s like the wolf in sicheng felt a bit of comfort

like wolves are pack creatures and can get super lonely, alright,,,, and sicheng’s been lonely his entire life like he’s never ever been comforted by anything or anyone before

and the rest of nct take after jaemin’s lead,,, like forest fairy!jeno does what he can to try and make passion flowers (which have been proven to calm a dog’s seperation anxiety) grow under the door

witch!mark comes out of his bedroom w a few potion vials under his arm and soot in his hair “i made some healing and sleeping potions for as soon as he’s out of there”

and doyoung calls you bc well,,, you knew sicheng first and he feels it’s important you know what’s happening

but when you get there they seem to have it under control

ghost!jaehyun slides through the walls every hour to update everyone on sicheng’s condition,,, and the worn out werewolf has fallen asleep to the sounds of jaemin speaking puppy talk to him and the sweet scent of the calming plants jeno keeps growing out of nervousness

the next day when sicheng comes out everyone is babying him hardcore

like vampire!taeil wraps a wool blanket around his shoulders and imp!chenle and imp!jisung decided to refrain from unscrewing the salt jar, just so sicheng could have a peaceful morning, and witch!mark is shoving potions down sicheng’s throat

even swamp monster!taeyong becomes motherly w his water bottles reminding sicheng to stay hydrated after his long night!!!!

and sicheng just starts crying???

invisible man!ten is like what did we do what did we do taeiL YOU MADE HIM CRY

but sicheng can only shake his head like “i’m not upset,,, i’m happy”

you dump an entire steak meal in front of him like eat this while you talk you need strength

but all of nct are waiting for an explanation

so sicheng just opens up abt his previous pack and how mean they were for no reason,,,, and he lifts his shirt to show everyone all the scars he has from their cruel punishments

and he looks at you, who nods for him to keep talking,,,,,, and sicheng finally looks at the rest of monct like

“you guys have shown me what a true pack is,,,, i’ve never felt this loved and safe,,,, thank you,,,”

and now it’s an entire monster crying fest like you write your number down on a note and leave it for sicheng before getting the heck out of there

bc when taeyong cries it’s like a mini flood and no one wants to be ankle-deep in that swamp water if they can help it

but everyone is so touched they can’t help it???

IT’S A GROUP HUG

and after that sicheng is a lot less quiet around the boys and you

he helps cook and clean and sometimes gets caught chasing his tail when he’s bored

jaemin still transforms into a puppy whenever he wants just so wolf!sicheng has someone to run around with

and sicheng doesn’t call you bc he has no idea how to use a phone

taeil helps him w a lot of stuff like that

yuta tried to teach sicheng how to flirt but that rlly didn’t turn out great

turns out sicheng can’t flirt at all and has no idea how to act on a date like your first date consists of food cooked by taeil and then a nap on the couch

10 outta 10 really you thought it was great

so yeah sicheng is still learning some stuff

but he learns rlly fast and his savagery skills even outdid the dreamies after he practiced a bit

he’s a great edition to the house

except when he transforms into a wolf and sits on the couch,,, he sheds everywhere and doyoung will not hesitate to chase him w a vacuum cleaner

yeah,,, and also,,,, after a few months sicheng stopped being able to smell his old pack,,,, so they must’ve left the woods to find a warmer home for winter

sicheng is so releaved and happy

he finally has a home and friends who love him and a person he highkey already has his heart he just doesn’t quite know what that means yet

so yeah,,, that’s werewolf!sicheng !!

this was fun to write! sorry there wasn’t much sicheng x reader! anyway, part of the collab w @trickortaeil ♥️

#nct scenario #nct scenarios #nct au #nct imagine #nct imagines #monster!au #monster!nct #nct reactions #winwin au #winwin scenarios #winwin imagine #sicheng au #sicheng fluff #sicheng scenarios #winwin fluff #nct fluff #destwrites

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blessedarethebinarybreakers · 7 years

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idk if this is urgent or not, so just take your time in replying to this!!! i know y'all have a bunch of things going on w/ this blog! anywhomst, i've been hesitant to ask for prayers from anyone but especially on here bc i was worried that would seem like too much of a 'im asking in public and making a big deal of my problems', but im at a point where i need to ask for some help/advice/something??? i've gone from being christian to athiest to agnostic to pagan to christopagan to christian (#1)

(#2) to being somewhere in agnostic again, the last like 5 within the span of 8 months. it’s spiritual and emotionally draining. i thought i was definitely christian recently after coming back to the church. im still going on sundays now and going to choir practice bc it’s good for me and it’s made me feel much happier than i’ve felt previously.but something just sort of happened within the last like 2 weeks. i went from trying to read the bible every week and listening to christian music and

(#3) getting important and helpful things out of my pastor’s sermons to not feeling like god’s there at all. it feels like there’s nothing out there anymore. i guess the only good thing is that i was once terrified of the possibility of nothingness after we die and now im not really scared of that any longer. but i’ve always been a very spiritual person and it’s something that shapes who i am and gives me comfort in my darkest times. but now i feel like i have nothing and no one, no god(s) or

(#4) or divine/heavenly comfort or guidance or reassurance. i know that im still struggling w/ depression (and i have self diag. autism) & i have some anxiety and probably some other mental stuff going on & it’s likely that’s affecting my beliefs and feelings. i guess i just want some prayer. that if god’s out there, or anyone really, that they could find me and see my pain and see how lost i am and help me, guide me to something better and happier. bc im so tired and sad and empty & it’s really

Hi there! It looks like your ask got cut off so if there was a part five that I still need to answer, send that part again.

First off, it’s not bad to share your problems with a community – we are called to lean on one another! Faith doesn’t happen in a vacuum. So thanks for reaching out.

I really feel for you in your struggle. I also have depression, and that and other things took a major toll on my faith life a few years back. In high school I hardly ever even doubted God’s existence or living presence in my life, I felt Them nearly every time I prayed or went to church, and so the sudden shift to feeling…nothing a lot of the time was so upsetting and confusing. Like you, I’m a spiritual person, so that these times when I feel nothing are almost physically painful.

It kind of sucks and it’s not a very satisfying answer, but, for whatever reason, this is just how faith works. Sometimes you have incredibly high points, sometimes you reach points so low you feel completely untethered from the divine.

Part of me wishes I could go back to high school with its easy faith, when I sort of took for granted that I’d always feel God in my life. But another part of me is thankful (now that I’ve learned how to navigate the low points better) to be in a time in my life when faith is hard.

Why would this difficulty ever be a good thing?? The confusion and sense of loss, of being cut off from God?

For one thing, it causes me to long for Them that much more, to appreciate deeply those moments I do feel close to Them again.

It also makes me feel more connected to other people who go through the same thing throughout history – who have had doubts and fears and wondered where God was, why they felt nothing. Even Jesus felt cut off from God, crying out from the cross: “My God, My God, why have your abandoned me?”

It reminds me that faith is a gift, not a given – it’s a gift I can prepare myself to receive but not something I can obtain for myself. That I can be a “Good Christian” in my lowest moments, when I feel farthest from God, by continuing to pray and hope and love in the midst of my doubts and spiritual loneliness.

And it reminds me that faith is so much more than those “feel-good” moments that a lot of modern Christian movements put so much focus on. Faith isn’t about finding the right song to elicit Big Emotions and tears. Faith isn’t just an emotion at all – it’s a practice, a way of life, a role we grow into.

Those moments of feeling One with God are beautiful and precious and a glimpse of what we’ll have in heaven – but they’re not the foundation of our faith. Jesus is, and the gifts of the Holy Spirit. We can keep being faithful even when we feel nothing, or feel bad things.

Read this post, where I talk about how God is both as near to us as our own hearts blood and as distant to us as the stars: “Recognizing both God’s nearness and God’s distance is important in order to be at peace with the feelings of far-offness that often distress us, while also hoping in the truth that God is all-pervasive too.”

Part of what made me start to have these dips in faith, I think, is that I started to ask questions – to wrestle with God and with scripture. In high school I had followed the easier path of accepting everything my church said, but while that meant I had what felt like an “direct” connection to God, it also meant my glimpse of God was pretty small. In working to expand my view and also to be more radically inclusive of all God’s people, I’ve developed a lot of doubts and fears and griefs (because God’s grief is deep, even if Their joy is deeper, and to taste it is to feel desolation). But it’s worth it, it’s always worth it.

So my advice to you is to keep reaching out for help, from God and from people. Keep going to choir and to church, even when you leave feeling empty. Don’t lose hope that sometimes you’ll leave feeling filled – and that even when you feel empty, you really are full of God’s love and life and Spirit.

“Fake it till you make it” is the motto I live by some months – I keep doing my daily prayers even when it feels like I’m talking with no one; I try to get to chapel or church; I talk about God with people and read the Bible and study theology.

And so the resources for faith grow even when I feel most desolate. My heart that feels so empty and hollowed-out is actually becoming a pocket into which God will plant more seeds of faith. Our loneliness becomes a womb in which the Spirit nestles Herself, with us all along even when we don’t feel Her.

If you trust your pastor or anyone else at church, you can talk to them about your faith troubles. And you are welcome to keep asking questions here, or giving us updates on how you’re doing. I recommend our FAQ page, especially some of the posts in the Faith section.

Living Spirit, Lavisher of Gifts,This person is in need of your guidance and love. Let them feel your Presence with them, even if only for a little while, so that they may carry the memory of as nourishment for the empty days. When you feel far off, may they learn the hard lesson of loneliness: that sometimes you who are our very Breath feel as intangible as air; that sometimes we climb and climb and don’t realize how high we’ve reached for a long time.May all of us, your communion of saints, your Body and your Beloved, come together in our times of desolation. Give us the courage and wisdom to reach out, to encourage one another, to strive and strive with all our heart, soul, and strength.Faith is the gift we beg of you, God. Give us faith – and understanding to learn just what faith is. Amen.

#youaremyforeverpromise #queerly christian asks #faith tag #doubt tag #ref #avery speaking

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coffeecapricorn · 5 years

Text

February 24 2019

Yes. This morning I woke up to mom and dad fighting about money and how there is no trust between them in regards to other things (when mom goes out) and yeah. I’ve been tryning to get better at budgeting my money and everything but this is just not how I want to wake up 10 years from now. I don’t want to be worried about money. If I have kids I don’t want them to hear those fights. It’s a constant source of stress for me, mom is always asking to borrow money. Yesterday she asked to take $500 out of my account. The week before she took $100. She also took out $92 a couple days ago. It’s not a TON of money but I’m 19. These shouldn’t be my problems. I just want to get good at managing my money that is going to be a goal of mine for next month to really focus on everything I’m spending. I want my money to be either saved or going towards experience, not just materialistic things.

I have had such a NICE Sunday. This morning me and Julianna went to get our nails done and I picked this pretty purple lavender color. I put on my new Capricorn necklace, my yellow dangly earrings on. Didn’t do makeup but dressed how I want to always dress and just felt SO GOOD. We were talking abt her sorority and her and Cassidy are going to see Thomas Rhett. I wanna go. And it was just so sweet to catch up. Then me and Evan went out to clove and I had such a good time. I’m so happy me and Ryan broke up and that he’s in my life bc he is SUCH a good friend. I can talk to him abt everything and like really just how I’m feeling. He’s good to have conversation with and I like being w him. So yeah we were just talking abt school and Ryan and his Boston music stuff and yeah casual but amazing to talk to someone and get out. He payed for lunch which was so sweet💛 on our way home he said something to me that just like made me super happy. He told me I seemed like I was in a better mental state than when we last talked which was just so sweet. Like he does know a lot and I’m a pussy s I cry to him all the time and he knows that I was super lonely and sad for a long time and upset about friends and boys and just everything. So to hear that from him is just so nice. Like he pays attention and really cares. It’s also nice to know that me trying to hard to get myself to a better mental state is being like noticed and I’m actually getting there instead of just thinking I am. So yeah that made my whole day :)

Since I’ve been home I’ve just been studying for bio. I feel like I have a pretty good handle on things. I’m going to study a fuck ton tomorrow but I feel like I know pretty much everything except for the tissue locations & functions. I’m trying my hardest to just do well, work, mind my own business and be happy. So yeah me and Liz are going to hot yoga in a little. When I get home later I’ll study some more. But I have had such a nice Sunday today and I’m just so relaxed, grateful and happy :)

I’m home from hot yoga. I just made me and Liz dinner. She said it was really good:) okay so I loved hot yoga. It was a lot harder than I thought. It was really hard for me to hold a lot of the poses. And the room was crazy hot I could feel and see my sweat dripping down. It did give me kind of a self awareness and gratitude though. The woman was talking about being grateful for our bodies and everything. And she also gave us time to reflect on things we wanted to reflect on thag brough is peace. It was a really great experience for me especially after today with Evan telling me I am in a better mental state. I am finding my inner peace, slowly, but finding it. Zack brought me peace. Ryan did not. I am slowly figuring out and becoming more self aware the tiny parts of me that have grown in the past year and I’m LOVING it. The physical aspect of the class was great as well. I stretched, which I never really slow down enough at the gym to do. I sweat a lot and just overall feel better like I had toxins or something release from my body. I feel happier, calmer, more at peace with myself, how I’m doing in life, how I’m acting, who I’m becoming. I can’t wait to take another class. I want to maybe take once every week or two. Anyways I’m going to shower and study now I’m just like so crazy happy.

I think I’m going to LI for st patty’s day. I’m just so happy and feeling grateful for kay and Shane and even Connor and just everything I’ve gained in this past year. I was on my vsco collection and I saw this picture w the caption”you’ll learn to let things go” and it just sits w me SO WELL. I used to have this gigantic fear of cutting my hair and it’s so short the shortest it’s been since thag horrible haircut when I was younger. I truly have learn to just let shit go this past year and it’s just so amazing to me how much I’ve grown and learned. I love that I just saw that picture bc it really resonated w me especially right now.

#2/24/19

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stopbreathego · 7 years

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no one pays attention to me here or really knows me in rl, so im just gonna type out my feelings for a little bit bc it’s been a year and i feel like it. so i’m 25 now. i’m halfway to the 30. that feels awful knowing i’m still only halfway to my degree and i can’t ever take any classes bc they interfere with other things like my job that actually pays pretty decent for not having a degree. plus i’m married now. we’ve been married for a whopping six months, but i think knowing each other for 13 years kinda ruined the whole honeymoon thing for us. i do really want to spend most of my time with him, but i’m just clingy and constantly aware of how much i took advantage of him when we dated in high school. also he’s in jail rn. yay. so fun. love it. some stupid irrelevant probation violations in october, and we just finally had the court hearing last friday. honestly, i think they would have just let him go with a slap on the wrist, bc he didn't really do anything wrong, he just didn't get proper approval on a couple things, but they listed all the violations he’s had in the past 5 years of being on probation, and yeah, i understand. he just didn’t care for the first couple years. we weren’t really talking during that time. fun story the last time i talked to him before he got in trouble, he was telling me he didn’t love me anymore, that he’d finally moved on and was doing well living in san antonio, doing the musician thing. and i tried really hard to pretend lk idrc bc i was in a relationship, but i had this weird addiction to him wanting me. i ran back to him so many times after we broke up for good jr yr, but idk, i was dumb. hearts are so fickle. whatever. so yeah we’re married now. someday our kids will be so confused by our love story, but whatevs, hopefully they just learn from our mistakes. until then, ill worry about how to get them to shorten his probation that was just extended another 5 years bc i don’t want to have kids while hes on probation, and i also don’t want to wait until we’re 30. i’m doing surprisingly well considering i’ve been living on my own for the past week. i will be moving back to parents’ for the remaining 82 days he’ll be gone to save some money and give him peace of mind bc we live in a sketchy neighborhood. thankfully my dad owns the building we’re living in, so i can do whatever with our stuff here. it definitely sucks, but it could suck worse. when we first started talking again in 2014, it was only a month or so before he was back in jail bc a stupid technicality, which was really his po’s fault in my opinion, but who am i? and that time he was here in county for an unknown amount of time before they sent him to a facility in dallas. none of the time here counted towards the 90 days he had to spend there, so he was gone about 5 months by the end of it and i only got to visit him once when a friend and i made the drive to dallas and had to say we were his common law wife and adopted brother. whack. so he’s staying here in town this time, which means i can see him twice a week. it still sucks, but it could def suck worse. emotionally, the first couple days were hard, but really, i’m doing okay. just staying busy. we just went through a second downsizing at work, so my workload has doubled, so that’s been good for passing weekdays. rn i’m working on cleaning and getting ready to move, so weekends and evenings are covered for now to. we’re trying to focus on weeks/visits left, rather than days. it’s easier that way. only 12 more saturdays until he’s home. that’s not so bad. and really, i think this is good for me, i’m realizing how much i depended on him for really dumb things. i still haven’t gone to the grocery store by myself. he always makes me breakfast every morning. i didn’t even realize until monday morning came and i was like wtf i need to get breakfast. soo dumb. i’ve been making myself breakfast and really just being a normally functioning adult. no small potatoes, i’ve really spent a lot of time trying to press into God and figure out where He wants us, bc we’ve been on this train of mediocre contentment, and really it hasn’t been fun. and i also realized how co-dependent we really are. i still have avoided a lot of social things, but more so for the sake of money and not really wanting to answer when people ask me where he is. not really bc i just didn’t want to go. plus i really have been busy. i’ve started watching parks & rec from the beginning again before bed bc we were watching the office and he’d be upset if i kept watching w/o him. i forgot a lot of things, so it’s been fun. i really love p&r, and anything amy poehler does in general. hm. idk i guess that’s it for now. ima go get spruced up bc visitation is in an hour. lucky for him, my husband looks hot in yellow and his hair just does what he wants. this mess takes some work.

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whambamthankyoubram · 7 years

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ALL OF THEM IM A NOSEY BITCH

YOU ALWAYS DO THIS

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? MORE CEREAL THAN MILK OBVIOUSLY I’M NOT SATAN

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? No bc my cheeks are cold as hell and I need warmth

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? I fold the corners or put little mailings/postcards in them, whatever I have laying around!

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? Tea, nothing; coffee, milk only!

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Yes :( There’s a gap in my teeth and I hate it. I wish my teeth were perfect.

6: do you keep plants? Nope.

7: do you name your plants? Can’t name the plants you don’t keep, my dude

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? Uhhhh...no?

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? YES all the time.

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Side!

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends?

12: what's your favorite planet? Pluto bc it is still a planet okay

13: what's something that made you smile today? My boyfriend’s Snapchats

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? Messy af

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! “In space, the skin on your feet peels off.” EW SPACE WTF

16: what's your favorite pasta dish? MMMMMM any pasta tbh I’m Italian I will eat anything

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? I love my hair color the way it is now!

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. My ex never let me forget the time I was passed out on his couch, and I woke up intermittently before falling back asleep. He was watching Rush Hour. I asked him, (HALF ASLEEP MIND YOU), Oh, is this the movie with Chris Rock and Bruce Lee? (I’m awful).

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I write my thoughts and crazy paranoia in there boyyyyyeeeee

20: what's your favorite eye color? BROWN

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. Uhhhhh it’s a longchamp bc I’m a white girl

22: are you a morning person? Not really

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? SLEEP!

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? Not sure

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into? I’ve never broken into anything omg

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit? My Uggs, because I’m a white girl

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor? Mint

28: sunrise or sunset? Sunset

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? My BFF giggles sometimes when she talks and idk it’s cute

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Fuck yes, have you ever seen a spider? In your shower? Without your glasses on?

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I LOVE SOCKS! When I get socks for Christmas I get so excited. I can fall asleep with socks on, but at some point in the night, they’re coming off my feet lol.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. I ate pizza while I was drunk #wowimsocool

33: what's your fave pastry? Cinnamon buns, does that count?

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? Winnie the Motherfuckin Pooh. No :( He fell in the mud and I had to throw him out bc the washer couldn’t fix him

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? Fuck yeah I do!

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now? Noooo clue tbh

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? Clean, but it’s always a mess

38: tell us about your pet peeves! I hate when the President sniffs into the microphone while he’s delivering some sort of address, blow ur nose next time or stop doing coke

39: what color do you wear the most? Black lol

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you? Nose ring, no special meaning I just really like it

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving? An Abundance of Katherines bc I fucking love the shit out of John Green

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! Not really tbh

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Probably my bf

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? The other night, at the beach! So pretty :)

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Yes

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. I couldn’t think of any, next question

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Aerosol cheese

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Bugs, yes, ew

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? Don’t remember!! I bought the first Glee soundtrack when it came out LOL

50: what's an odd thing you collect? Socks?

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? I associate “All Night” by Chance the Rapper w my bf

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? Salt bae for sure

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? Beetlejuice was the only one, I watched a little of Pulp Fiction - they were both ok

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? My friend :( she’s ok now but I saw her the other night and she was upset

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point? Not sure

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? Laughter and the way people get excited over things

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? It made me feel like I’ve been having too much sugar tonight tbh

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? I’M THE WINE MOM!!!! I am the wine QUEEN ok that’s all I ever drink. My bff is the vodka aunt, but she lives miles apart from me so we rarely drink together nowadays

59: what's your favorite myth? Dude? I don’t have one

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, T.S. Eliot.

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received? I got a really ugly hat once, and I gave a really ugly hat once, at the same Christmas exchange party

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? Nope

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? Hell no I’m a living mess

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Black

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with? Yes, my bff

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Mad lilies! They’re my fav flower

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? Depressed and tired tbh

68: what's winter like where you live? Cold but not too cold bc you know global warming

69: what are your favorite board games? Scrabble!!

70: have you ever used a ouija board? Yes lol

71: what's your favorite kind of tea? ANY KIND! Right now I’m really feeling ginger turmeric from Trader Joe’s, though, soooo good

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it? YES.

73: what are some of your worst habits? Uhhh not going to bed early enough lol

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. This person is a HUGE JARLEY FAN and super adorbs!!! Hates Mon-El and LOVES TO RANT ABOUT IT AND I LOVE THIS PERSON REGARDLESS

75: tell us about your pets! So I have a dog, he’s almost 12 years old which is really depressing bc he’s probably going to pass on soon :( I’m obsessed with him and love him so much!!

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't? Yeah, taking my bra off why am I still wearing it

77: pink or yellow lemonade? PINK, always

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? Hate club, get them the fuck away from me

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? One of my old boyfriends learned how to knit for me which I thought was very sweet

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? Aqua! Because I like it?

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. “Comets.”

82: are/were you good in school? Not really

83: what's some of your favorite album art? Ohhhh I know this, I love Californication’s album art so much

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? I have seven!!

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? No

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? Wat

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? The Lion King, BITCH

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? Not really

89: are you close to your parents? Yes

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. NEW YORRRRRK. Concrete jungle where dreams are destroyed you’ll never get anywhere go back to long island

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? Somewhere over the summer, not sure where yet tho

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? In the middle

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most? Top knots bc I’m lazy

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? The Weeknd LOL

95: what are your plans for this weekend? Date night, then I’m not sure!

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? Ohhh I procrastinate so much

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? Not sure about the Myer-Briggs type, but I’m a scorpio + Ravenclaw

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? Yes! I think in November. It was chilly, but a lot of fun

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

One Headlight - The Wallflowers (listening now)

Home - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes

Love Drought - Beyonce

Under the Bridge - RHCP

Strip My Mind - RHCP

Literally anything by RHCP

Do You Realize?? - The Flaming Lips (I cry literally every time I listen to it)

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? Neither, because I am choosing to live in the MOMENT :)

#jarley-puckerrose #about me #ask: answered #GOD DAMN

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ts-nightingaleislands · 4 years

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Episode #13- FINALE

I gotta say Im SUPERRR upset with myself right now. To be completely honest I feel like I could have won had my laptop not frozen which would have been really nice to have. What is making this worse is knowing I lost because my computer decided to freeze for 1st time ever!

This is okies though. Once I get to the end I'll just be able to stick to the narrative of things never going my way but I still persevered!

The silver lining to losing and Cheatham winning is knowing this means Sara goes. I was a little worried that if Cheatham left it keeps AMs options open. Now if he wins its gonna force her hand. I just have to promise her F2 even more and pray it convinces her NOT to do anything crazy

(LATER)

I've done some rethinking- if AnnMarie is in f4 with Sara and Austin I'd like to think it means she is not gonna try and target anyone but them. I should be safe...but I am also interested in seeing if Cheatham legit votes for Austin or not

Yeah so um...Apparently Austin leaked everything that Cheatham told him to AM and Chris yesterday so they added him to an alliance chat. But pretty sure they're also playing semi emotionally rn and not thinking straight. If AM was actually going to potentially idol Austin out before..she knows he's a clear threat. All it takes is Chris/am/cheatham to get together and hash this all out and turn on Austin. Though idk how likely it is Cheatham would do that. He's flat out told me that he knows Austin is the biggest threat yet he seems stuck like glue to him. I mean..so am I...but I don't really have a lot of other options...they all want me out...and there's no way to immunity streak. I really need Austin to stay because I truly believe he'll at least tie at f4 if we have to. Cheatham may not no matter how many times he's told that Am/Chris won't split. Or he'll vote me assuming he's winning final immunity.

I'm thinking about telling Cheatham straight up I am voting him. Its just weird because he seems to already know he is likely going so perhaps AnnMarie has already talked to him, not sure but I do feel bad even if he is voting me out

I feel like I am now sort of in a great spot because I am framing AnnMarie to be the one calling the shots but actually she is coming to me asking what to do O-O. So Operation: Wolfsheep(?) was a success! I told her to see how Sara feels about Austin/Chatham became we have to max our benefits!

(LATER)

Here we go again! Austin and AnnMarie on at the same time so lets get this party started

Hi Friends, its final five! And I wanted to quit the game again! By far the hardest immunity challenge that I've ever done and tbh it pissed me off. I lasted 3 hours and 14 minutes and for what? To fight for my life again bc I might get voted out? It pisses me off. My body is still completely sore. Anyways, My plan for this week is to convince Am to vote out either Chris or Austin, I don't care who, bc they will vote each other out if it means that they get to stay. I made a DAMN good plea to AM and it seems like it might have worked. BUT you never know. If this works out for me, Its just another thing on my resume :)

(LATER)

WELL CHANGE OF PLANS. REWIND. Austin literally just called me and told me how he got added to a F3 with AM and Chris.He told Sara about it so she wants me, him, and her to work together and get out CHRIS. AHHHH CRAZY RIGHT? Like I don't wanna work with them but it is the only thing that will get me through this week. Hopefully it works out. PEACE.

Ahhh! I feel like Dorothy in Oz right now! My yellow brick road is splitting and I don't know which path to followwwww!!! Technically AM could screw things with the idol (which she finally came clean about) but there's pros and cons to all vote options this round... Voting Cheatham this round would likely make it easier for me to win immunity. I also don't fully trust him. HOWEVER, that still leaves AM and Chris in the game together and I'm nearly certain they will vote together next round. Voting Cheatham would also keep a tad of trust with AM and hopefully she and Chris would fire Austin instead of me. But Austin is also close with Chris. Taking this path would probably leave f3 wide open and if I did somehow end up f3 with Chris/AM, I HAVE to win immunity or I'm ducked. But if that f3 did happen and I won final immunity, I'd have a much easier win than with Austin...but do I even want it easy? That's boring. You can't be the best until you win against the best. And... Voting Chris would break him from AnnMarie and we wouldn't have to worry about them trying to make finals together. Plus, Cheatham would be there next round, so maybe I could get her to vote Cheatham out next round if he isn't immune. Then in a F3 situation, I THINK both Austin/AM would take me instead of each other. But it's also a risk because I'd be leaving AM out of this vote and she may not trust me. Or can #GirlPower prevail? Did any of this make sense? And all of this lit only works if Austin doesn't plan on turning against me. If he does ..then RIP my game all together.

omg i feel im def the one going home . all my flipping and leaking info has finally caught up to me and i cant blame ppl for finding out haha. we will see what happens. tumblr survivor gods please be with me!

youtube

3 votes Chris, 2 votes Austin.

WTF?!?! I cant believe I made it past that tribal. Thank god for sara and cheatham having my back this vote. Idk what's gonna happen next but I gotta try not damn hardest on this immunity or it could be me going home next .

Idk what my end game plan is really. Idc who I go to the end with I just wanna make it there. So I gotta convince someone to vote with me so at least if anything it will be a tie and there is a chance for me . It's been a hard game but I have loved every second of it <3

Ughhhh...I know what needs to be done this round but it's soooo hard!! As annoyed as I am with the way Austin tried playing the game, making F2's with idek how many people, he's still like the nicest kid ever and I feel bad. Like bro, you had a good enough social game...you didn't NEED to do that. He literally probably would have gotten by with it too if it wasn't for him leaking AM's idol plans back to her (literally told him he's going to get himself in trouble) and also telling AM Cheatham/I were voting Chris so she should save him to take out Cheatham. Lit, he could have been honest with me and and just voted Cheatham and I wouldn't have cared. But trying to be so sneaky and then blatantly lying to me about it is something. And that is that on that. As far as this F3 goes...I'm nervous. I'd love to win final immunity to ensure a spot in finals but really it's a double edged sword. I won like 4 or 5 individual immunities in my last game and jury apparently dragged me saying that's the only reason I made finals. I knew that was not true and hosts did too, but perception is reality. Also, winning forces me to piss off either AM or Cheatham. I really do not need that. I low-key, strategically brought up a F2 to AM at the last vote just to see if she had one with Chris to decide what last rounds best vote was. If she had one with him, I figured she'd sorta brush off mine. If she didn't, I figured she'd be all for it. Well...she didn't tell me I'm her F2 until AFTER Chris was blindsided, so we know what that means. But now..she may have taken mine seriously and be saltier than the Atlantic if I gave her 3rd. What would ultimately be best is for one of the other 2 to win immunity and convince them to take me with. Unless they already have a f2 together, I think this would be easier with AM as I could use the 'Cheatham was the Thrush underdog' and '#GirlPower' on her. But...she's just not the greatest at comps so I feel that's not an option. Cheatham might be more difficult as I know fo sho he's thirsty for a W. He's literally tried taking me out for whatever reason several times. Why would he target me instead of AM if it wasn't for threat purposes? But if he did win, my argument is gonna be that she auto has Chris' vote and literally ZERO blood on her hands with the jury. What else can I use with him? Maybe peeps like Noah rigging immunity for me at merge so that I'd stay loyal and then backstabbing anyway. Salt. OR Liam asking for a F2 (even tho it was lit during Tribal and too late to save himself) and then voting him out. More salt. Honestly though, idk if anything I say would change his mind...so throwing the comp intentionally is risky...risky af...but it could also be the difference in winning/losing. How about that novel? x)

Hello friends. I've made it again. I was hoping that I could win immunity too but I couldn't. TBH, I don't THINK I'm going home this week. Though I very well could, I just don't see it. The way I'm playing this week is how to get a F3 that will take me to F2. My target this week is Austin. Sara told me a lot of shit about Austin so I think it is pretty obvious that she wants him out. Then there is AM who is very quiet but why would she not vote Austin. Hopefully Austin goes and then boom! I'm in F3 and HAVE to win that immunity.

(LATER)

OKAY this is my ENDGAME plans. Out of the four that are left. I'm hoping that I can take AM to F2. Tbh I feel I can defiantly beat Sara and AM. Sara I feel like just wouldn't take me to the end. Austin, though I feel I can beat, also played a really good game. I'm gonna plead my case to the jury like this. I was a target every single week for pre-merge. Every time, they wanted me out. I somehow managed to bounce back each time. I was unanimously Petrels target come swap/merge and I lasted through that. I gained a lot of peoples trust which was shown in the Captaincy immunity challenge. I was the vote that decided if Rizo was to go or not. And when it came time, I told him that. I tried my best to play an honest game. I was able to get the Idol and had it for 5 rounds without anyone voting it out of me. I was able to get everyone to take out Noah because I saw him as the biggest threat in the game. For Vincents week, I somehow convinced Sara and AM that the whole thing was Vincents idea and he made me believe that I needed to vote out Sara. EVEN AFTER I literally just used an idol to get Sara out. AND convinced Vincent to come BACK to me and vote Sara out .hats pretty badass. On Chris' week, once again I decided who goes home and I picked the right way if that means that I end up in F2. Every week, I had to FIGHT to be there. That is something that I don't think a lot of people had to do. I always came close to winning immunitys, if I didn't win. And proved that I'm not only a strong social player, but also a strong comp competitor.

IM HERE IM HERE IM HERE IM FINALLY HERE!!! FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I CANT BELIEVE IT I REALLY CANT BELIEVE IT OMG. THIS IS MAKING ME LOSE MY MIND IM SO HAPPY! I never thought I would make it this far into the game, and I'm so excited for the possibility of f3. People are telling me that they're voting Austin, but it's been awfully quiet. I'm scared that the silence is a sign, but I hope that I'm just being paranoid. I'm just happy to be here.

youtube

3 votes Austin, 1 vote AnnMarie.

well, here we are, final 3. I guess this is where my game ends. Sara just won immunity and after I plead my case and my feelings are basically crushed. She rubs a little salt in the wound by telling me a move that I messed up on. Vincent wasn't the one who told Sara and AM about the vote switch. It was Austin. It just really frustrating how this game played out. I worked my motherfucking ass off. It seems like I did it for nothing. This is my last org for hopefully a long while and I was hoping I'd get that edit of "Underdog Villain Wins the Season and Leaves the Hateful Community" and I didn't get that edit. I'm not gonna get that edit. I spent the entire first half of this game as the "Other vote" all people wanted to do was blindside me/ get me out. I had a breakdown early on in the game (def wasn't my last one) where I wanted to quit the game. The guy that I was falling in love with broke my heart, my job was chaotic, I was getting SHIT ON on discord, was doing endurance comp after endurance comp and there was no pay off, was failing my classes, was losing friendships, and all I wanted to do was quit. But I didn't and I kept going. I kept playing my ass off and it sucks to be out played. Im a sore. loser. TRUST ME I KNOW. But to come this far and still lose, it fucking sucks, Yes, this is just a game. I get it. Log off, quit, do whatever you need to do to not let it control your life. I can't DO THAT though. I love orgs! This is the kind of stuff that I always wanted to do! I have a lot of stuff to work on within myself. I know. But for right now, all I want to do is win. And I'm almost positive that its not gonna happen. I don't even think that Im gonna get POTS. Just sucks to put so much effort into something with zero pay off. Anyways. I guess I'll see y'all sometime. Much love. - The Villain

Did I just do THAT?!? Force myself to finals!? I know this sounds sappy and cheesy over an online game...but my entire life I've been really underestimated..for multiple reasons, so it feels great to be able to prove myself in any situation. No, I haven't won...but have at least dragged myself as far as you can go in this game. Now it's [semi] out of my hands. But now is the hard part... Who do I take with me!? I literally went to sleep last night wanting to take Cheatham. I woke up this morning wanting to slap myself in the face for thinking that. Now I want to take AM. The perk to taking AM is that I 100% feel that my game was superior. I also 'technically' asked her for a f2, though on my end it was more strategic as mentioned in an earlier confessional. However, I still do not like breaking F2s if avoidable. But she did also tell me she'd have taken Cheatham to finals over me so... And the perk to taking Cheatham is that I feel like he's more deserving of finals and winning (or losing) against him would feel much better than the other option. But is it worth breaking the f2, especially when AM was probably slightly more loyal to me? I know she said my name once too, but Cheatham said it multiple times AND tried to freaking idol me out! Even after all of that I was willing to work with him and saved him a couple rounds...but when is enough, enough??

Wow. I cannot believe I am finally here at the very end. This is so shocking to me. I have never gotten this far before in any game, so I am just so excited. I am so happy that Sara decided to take me with her to the end, but I know for a fact that I have a very small chance of winning this. I really need to get on track and figure out how to talk like a normal human being so I can win over the jury, any way I can. Making that video for right of passage was so pointless (although it was super fun to make). It was not what Sara and Cheatham had done. I really wish I would have done the doc to at least clarify what the hell I actually did in this game. In reality, I truly think I just played for a hell of a good time, and I had a hell of a good time, because it was a hell of a good time. You know what isn't a hell of a good time? Not being at the end with Cheatham. It would have been so fun, and I think it would be a little easier for me to talk. I think that speaking to the jury with Sara will get me a bit nervous. I am not the most articulate person, so going up against Sara concise speaking will ruin meeeee. But I will be extremely happy if Sara wins. She honestly deserves it.

Cheatham becomes the final member of the jury.

#announcement

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