#tw: repression

[sortofanobsession]

Bright lights and futures (Ted Lasso Fic) RoyJamie Time travel AU

A/N:  This came to existence because of this comment thread on Ao3.

Summary: Based on the request: can you also do a ted lasso season 1 one where the team and the coachs react to jamie and roys future please. so have that its time travel but they cant interact with the future they can only listen and watch them so so the future cant see them

Time travel AU

Ao3

Ted Lasso Masterlist

Paring: Roy x Jamie (Romantic), Jamie x Ted (platonic), Roy x Ted (platonic), Keeley x Jamie (platonic, formerly romantic), Roy x Colin Hughes (platonic) 

Content warning: Cursing/Swearing, Mentions of abuse, Mentions of physical violence, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Childhood trauma, repression

Jamie had met up with a few Man City players that were in town for the night.  A few of them were less than sober by the time they ended up in a curios shop. Jamie was looking at this weird little gadget that had a glowing rock in it. He thought it looked awesome but didn't let the others know because they thought it was stupid. He agreed it was just some overpriced bauble. But as had been the theme of the night, one of the other players challenges him to buy it. And Jamie wasn't one to back down from a challenge. So he ended up buying the stupid thing. He ended up tossing it in his bag in his car before heading back out with them.

 The next morning he was almost late for training. 

"What the fuck is in your bag?" Roy asked as he passed by Jamie's open bag on the bench, a slight glow coming from inside it.

Jamie laughed a bit as he adjusted his shin guards after lacing his boots. "Forgot that was in there," Jamie says, picking it up. "Some bauble from a shop one of the lads made me buy after drinks."

"Pretty fucking stupid to get pissed when you have training in the morning," Roy says.

"Didn't know I had a curfew, granddad," Jamie says in his usual snarky tone. "It kinda looks cool. No idea what makes it glow." He offers it to Roy to look at. "Thought a fossil like you would appreciate a rock."

"Looks fucking weird," Roy reaches out to take it, and the thing starts making and odd noise and emitting a bright light when they both have a hold of it. A blinding flash of light stuns them both for a few seconds. 

"Fucking hell," Roy groans as he rubs at his eyes. "Are you taking the piss with that fucking thing, Tartt?" Roy growls. "Because if this isn't a fucking joke..."

"What the fuck?" Jamie says when he looks around the locker room. They were stunned for a few seconds but things were very different. His bag is not where it had been, and the glowing bauble was gone. "What the fuck?" Jamie repeats. 

Roy just grunts and looks around. "Fucking mental," he says when he notices his cubby has a different name and he is nowhere to be found. It was so similar but different. 

"Oi, Kent," Jamie says, calling him over to look at a newspaper on Ted's desk. "This is a fucking joke, yeah?" The paper says it's two years later than the one Roy had seen tossed on the desk before. This was insane. It was literally impossible for that to be right. 

They go looking for the others and find they are in the middle of a fucking match, and they are watching themselves but not exactly. Roy is on the sidelines dealing with players, one of which is a longer-haired Jamie. 

"Fucking unreal," Roy says. "What sort of fucking uncanny, wonderland bullshit did you fucking get us into?" 

"More like Doctor Who," Jamie points out. Roy glares at him. Jamie looks back out to the pitch, the match well underway by the time on the scoreboard. 

"I look fucking fit," Jamie grins. 

"Of course, that's what you fucking notice," Roy says. 

"Well, what else am I supposed to notice? That whatever or whenever this is, this you admitted he's clearly too old to play."

"Fuck off, Tartt," Roy glares at him before looking at the way the other version of Jamie plays. Roy would probably never admit it out loud, but this Jamie played just as well, if not better, than the usual prick. Roy grins when he notices the positioning. "Looks like you're not the same striker here. Practically a midfielder."

"At least I'm still in the fucking game, old man."

Roy laughs at the petulant tone and insult. Fucking Jamie Tartt. They watch until half, and when no one even looks at them, they wonder for like the hundredth time what the fuck was happening. No one has noticed them. No one has even looked at them. Anyone that looks their way seems to be looking through them. Jamie goes over and waves a hand in front of Will's face. No reaction. 

"Oi, Will!" Jamie shouts in the kitman's face.

"Fucking hell, Tartt, haven't you harassed enough kitmen for one lifetime?" Roy grunts. 

"I was testing a- what do you call it? That is a word that is like hypno-. That's not it. Like a theory but-"

"Hypothesis," Roy says. "And theory would have been fine. A theory is a confirmed hypothesis. But most people wouldn't have corrected you."

"Oh, you a scientist now, old man?" Jamie smirks.

"You're the one testing hypotheses, you prick. My 6-year-old niece can grasp these concepts. I'm sure your tiny brain can handle it."

"Fucking rude," Jamie mutters and focuses back on watching what is happening. 

They are even more confused when they find alternate versions of themselves talking to each other as they leave the pitch. 

Long after they win and most of the team has headed out. Jamie can't believe it when the other version of him knocks on the door of the gaffer's office and asks Roy if he's ready. The idea of either of them waiting for the other seems insane. And from the shock he sees on his Roy's face he must agree. But he isn't really his Roy. Just his teammate. His rival, Roy. Jamie wants to slap the alternate version of himself as he openly smiles and ogles this other version of Roy as he puts on his jacket. They were supposed to be over that. The version of Roy Kent he had looked up to as a kid didn't exist. The real Roy Kent was a fucking prick. Hated his guts. Never really gave Jamie a chance, just assumed the Jamie he saw in the press was the real Jamie. So Jamie leaned into it. Embraced the prick his dad had always told him to be. All hard edges, distance, and ego. And fuck, it was exhausting, but he was good at it. The quiet of the office was not awkward or filled with tension.

Roy noticed how at ease this bizarre version of Jamie was, how he seemed to have actual friends on the team, not followers. That he actually noticed things about them. Contributed to conversations not about himself. And that had thrown Roy off. Especially the way he and Sam seemed close. Like Jamie cared about Sam and vice versa. This Jamie actually seemed to care a lot. And that made Roy wonder what made this Jamie so relaxed and at home in Richmond. The more he watched this unusual Jamie, the more he wondered if this Jamie could exist beneath the fucking bullshit Jamie Tartt usually presented himself to be. And then Roy is watching the other version of himself look at the other Jamie with a fond familiarity that was almost painful to watch. He hadn't missed the way the team had looked up to this Roy as a coach. Being captain was one thing, but being a coach. That meant something. 

But what froze Roy on the spot was watching the other version of himself throw his arm over Jamie's shoulder, and that version of Jamie leaned into him with a fucking smile. Not a smirk or a grin, a genuine smile as they headed to the car park. More shocked when they got into the same car. And Roy is pretty sure his Jamie, not that he fucking owned him or shit, his brain short circuits when once inside the future versions of them fucking kiss.

"Fucking nightmare," he grumbles when at the flat. Somehow they can never get far beyond where the future versions are before whatever the forces and light is that keeps them there corrects them. They are apparently meant to be seeing something and won't be going anywhere else until whatever is happening, happens. 

"If these are your nightmares, Kent, I would fucking pay to see your dreams."The future versions kiss again in the privacy of the flat.

"Fuck you, Tartt," he grunts.

"Looks like this you might, like damn Roy, didn't know you had it in you." Jamie laughs when Roy growls at him. And fuck, that sound combined with the fact this future version of them were a thing. It was almost too much for Jamie. It was like watching some toned-down version of his teenage self's fantasy. 

"You're enjoying whatever the fuck this is, aren't you, you little prick?" Roy glares.

"Fuck yeah," Jamie smirks. "If only because it is pissing you off, granddad."

"Fucking hell," Roy groans. He is glad when this new Jamie goes off to watch TV or something while Roy heads to the kitchen. It's not a place Roy recognized, so it must be Jamie's place, but this Roy knows his way around. He clearly knows where everything is. He wonders how much time he had spent there. He goes through the familiar motions of making tea, and then the Jamie that lives here joins him. Getting the rest of what they, Roy could only assume, usually have with tea. He watches as this version of himself just shakes his head as Jamie gathers snacks.

"Why do this domestic shit? The team always goes out after a win?" Jamie asks as the scene before them plays out. 

"For what? Pull in some random girl for one night when clearly you have someone at home?" Roy asks, genuinely curious. From what he could tell, Jamie was a bit shit as a partner to Keeley, but the shit he was watching unfold now. That was some domestic, happy couple shit. And Roy did not know how to feel about that. Everything shifts, and there is another flash of light. 

When their eyes adjust, Jamie stares. He knew this place. "Fuck me," he says.

Roy looks over at Jamie when he says it. And after what they had already seen, Roy's knee-jerk reaction is, "Fuck no." And he says it. But Roy is watching Jamie, not future Jamie but his Jamie now. And Jamie looks like he is genuinely excited.

"The fuck are we?" Roy asks.

"Amsterdam," Jamie answers.

"The fuck are you so happy about, Tartt?" 

"Because why not? Live a little, you old twat," Jamie says with a glare as he watches himself jog around the city, spouting facts off to Roy, who just sort of fondly takes it all in. 

Roy still couldn't get over the fact that this version of himself was not only tolerating Jamie but fucking dating him. Like the team clearly knew it. The staff did. Did the public? Oh, that was fucking terrifying to think about. No one did that in the leagues they played in. No one. Some players fucked around in private, but no one ever had serious relationships. No one ever told their teammates. Both Roy and Jamie are surprised at how long it takes future Roy to actually get annoyed at future Jamie’s tour of the city. The exhausted version of Roy asks Jamie how he knows so much about Amsterdam. And Jamie from the past sighs as future Jamie tells Roy a bit about his past trips there. 

Both Roys seem annoyed when Jamie insists on bikes. Both Jamies are shocked that Roy doesn’t know how to ride a bike. Their reactions differ. Past Roy didn’t like having something so personal exposed. Future Roy was a bit pissed when Jamie and the man laughed, but he gets it. He could admit it was a stupid thing that was counterproductive to honoring his grandfather’s memory. Past Jamie thought it was absolutely hilarious, but part of him hurt that Roy had missed that bit of normal childhood and how much Roy not being there for his granddad affected him. Future Jamie, well, he wasn’t about to just let that go. 

The time travelers watched in amusement as Jamie teaches a frustrated Roy to ride a bike. No matter how frustrated and angry Roy gets, neither gives up. And future Jamie is so proud when Roy finally gets it. Then they go looking for windmills. Roy is even more shocked when the future duo seems to have a heart-to-heart as they go. 

A heart-to-heart that changes the way the time-traveling Roy views Jamie Tartt. He looks at the more relaxed Jamie, that was telling the future version of Roy about how his dad had treated him in Amsterdam. Roy was horrified. The other version of himself seemed to be handling it much better. Telling him how fucked up it was, but otherwise, just making sure Jamie was okay. Not making a big deal out of it like swapping trauma stories was their norm. And it might be if they are actually dating. And based on the way Roy let Jamie lean into his personal space. They really didn't care who saw it. But the past Jamie wouldn't look at Roy. Watching the alternate versions of themselves are forgotten when Roy goes over and grabs Jamie's shoulder. "Fucking look at me," Roy says. And Jamie does. And he looks broken. "Does your old man still treat you like shit?" 

"Why do you care?" 

"Not a fucking answer, Jamie." And Jamie doesn't know how to explain Roy just using his actual name makes him feel a bit better. Or maybe it's the fact Roy still has a grip on his shoulders, and it for once isn't to fight him. "Jamie."

"He hasn't changed," Jamie says, looking away.

"What else has he done?" Roy growls. 

"Why do you-"

"Because you're on my fucking team, now answer the-"

"What do you think?!" Jamie snaps, pulling away. "So the reason you tense up when anyone approaches you is your dad? The reason you're a defensive prick is because of your dad? You always look like you're expecting a punch isn't just because you are a prick and get into fights because of it, it's-"

"My dad," Jamie finishes. 

"So if you get sent back to Man City…" Roy doesn't finish connecting the dots out loud. And fuck, he hates the dots he connected in his head. 

Roy growls, which makes Jamie wince, and he feels instantly guilty. "Fuck!" Roy shouts but more at himself than Jamie. He groans when Jamie flinches again. And Roy understands why his other self might feel something for Jamie. Jamie looks so much more fragile than the selfish prick he is used to. He looks like a wounded animal, and Roy goes over and hugs him. Jamie braces like Roy is going to hit him, but he relaxes when he realizes it's just a hug. He is confused, but he'll accept it. 

"You're going to tell Ted, aren't you?" Jamie asks, but it's mumbled in Roy's shoulder. 

"Of fucking course," Roy says. "Fucking kill the fucking twat if I see him."

"My dad?" Jamie just keeps getting surprised by Roy's reaction. 

"Some fucking dad," Roy grumbles. "My dad was a prick. Yours is a fucking monster. So why not?"

And Jamie doesn't know how to answer that. The idea of Roy fucking Kent protecting him from his dad was a fantasy he'd long given up on. Back when Roy was just a poster on his wall and a player, he watched on a small screen. But now there in some weird future versions of Amsterdam, Roy hugging him. But the bright light returns, and they are somewhere new. Somewhere Jamie has never been.

Jamie tries not to laugh as future Roy sits at a table with his sister and his niece.

"The fuck is this?" His amusement clear in his tone. 

Roy grumbles. "Uncle's day."

"Uncle's Day? Your niece celebrates Uncle's Day. That is fucking adorable. Love the hat," Jamie grins. 

"Fuck you and say anything about them, and I will-"

They are cut off as Phoebe goes to get the door, and future Jamie comes in. 

"That's National team-"

"It is," Roy says with amusement. "Guess I'm a fucking world-class coach."

"I make the team, and you gloat," Jamie huffs. "But fair point, never made it before that."

Jamie laughs at the way both future versions insist they aren't best friends but Roy's sister gives him a knowing look. 

"Your boyfriend's not your best friend?" Phoebe asks. And shit, hearing it put so blunt is a lot to process. "Who is?"

"Probably Isaac," Jamie says, and even past Roy rolls his eyes. 

"Fuck off," future Roy says. And yeah, they all find that hard to believe. When future Roy opens Jamie's gift, and Jamie explains it, it hits Roy like a fucking brick. Future Roy, of course, fucking loves it. And Roy doesn't miss the way either Jamie reacts to that. The fact that Roy praised him meant more than anything. Roy looked at his Jamie, and even he seemed proud. And that hit Roy again. Jamie just needed someone to tell him he is good and fucking mean it. Most people told him he was good and had something to gain from it. Something they wanted from him. And the fact Jamie knows he's good, and brags about it does turn people off, but no one ever tells Jamie he did well without ulterior motives. Roy grins when Phoebe demands Jamie pay for making her think a bad word. And Jamie hands over the coin.

"Looks like this Jamie came prepared," Roy says.

"And I'm sure has zero regrets," Jamie grins because the other version of himself was clearly having fun. And Phoebe probably had both of them wrapped around her finger. Jamie laughed when Roy opened the colorful tie-dye shirt. Roy glares at him. Future Jamie ended up having to give another coin to Phoebe, and Jamie laughed harder.

When Phoebe and her mum go to prepare for their performance, the future Roy looks at Jamie's gift again. 

"Figured you'd like it, but won't lie, think I look forward to Phoebe's gift more. That is going to be-" that Jamie is cut off by his Roy pulling Jamie into his lap and kissing him. 

"Fucking love it and you," future Roy says, and both the time travelers gape in shock at the fact Roy Kent just admitted his feelings, unprompted and with ease. And feeling for Jamie Tartt, no less. Jamie kisses him this time.

"Fucking love you too. You're coming to the match, so you needed something."

"No one is going to bat an eye at a coach supporting his player by wearing his number," Roy points out. "But I will fucking wear this all the time, but rather not get booted from your first international matches. Especially since the last match at Wembley was a fucking disaster."

"I got to punch my dad, and you gave me a hug." 

"He shows up again, and I'll punch him for you this time," Roy says. "And I'm still wearing your number, so fuck off."

They look up when Roy's sister clears her throat, and Phoebe giggles. Jamie goes to move back to his chair, but Phoebe tells him he can probably see better from there, and that makes future Jamie blush. And the time travelers seriously cannot believe what just happened. Neither says anything. Neither can look at the other. Because Jamie doesn't want Roy to see how much he envies this future version of Jamie. To have Roy's attention and affection is something Jamie dreamed of as a kid. To have Roy fight his dad for Jamie was a big fucking deal to Jamie. And the idea that anyone loves Jamie enough to actually say it makes Jamie want to cry. Because he fucked it all up with Keeley. He always fucks it up. 

Roy doesn't want Jamie to see how much seeing a version of Jamie be so open and happy to be with Roy was almost overwhelming. If this Jamie could be this good and sweet, maybe that's really who Jamie is. And that means he has been so fucking wrong about Jamie, and that is not something Roy is okay with. He owes Jamie an apology. 

The light doesn't get any less unsettling as they get transported back to the future version of the locker room but not for long, as the Roy that was there calls Jamie into the Boot Room. The time travelers keep looking between future Roy and Jamie as things get strange. Future Roy had clearly intended to give Jamie a pep talk. He hadn't expected Jamie to get antsy and upset. 

Past Jamie looks at his Roy when the other version of Roy asks if Jamie is fucking dying or some shit. Past Roy just gestures to how erratic future Jamie is being. When the upset Jamie starts telling his coach and partner how he feels, even time traveling Roy feels bad. 

Without hesitation, that Roy pulled his upset partner into his arms to comfort him. He does his best and calms the sobbing Jamie, but it isn’t enough to get Jamie back to his usual self. 

Roy can understand how upsetting seeing Jamie so out of sorts before a Man City game in Manchester would be. Future Roy loved his Jamie. Seeing him off his game must hurt. But he had to focus on the Jamie he could help. The fact he actually wanted to help Jamie was increasingly easier to accept the more they saw of this future. Seeing Jamie watch himself distressed was confusing and difficult, but he wanted to help him.

And despite all the shit they have been through in their own time. Roy looks at Jamie. "Tartt, I'm here, yeah? Don't forget that." 

And Jamie is surprised by how sincere Roy sounds. He nods but doesn't say anything. 

"No…" Jamie says when he realizes where they are. 

"What? Where are we?" Roy asks as he moves closer to Jamie.

"My Mum's," Jamie says. "Haven't seen her since I got called up."

They both watched silently as Jamie's stepdad welcomes in the future versions of Jamie, Roy, and Keeley. And Roy can't help but notice how nice Jamie's stepdad is. And seeing Jamie with his mum was like watching another version of Jamie together. Roy could understand how shocking the future Roy seemed to be. And thankfully, Keeley was there to keep him in line. Jamie wants to stay with his future self and his mum. Roy can't resist seeing Jamie's room. And yeah, Future Roy is spot on with his take on Jamie's room. Jamie had told him he had a poster from his days in Chelsea. And he was shocked by Keeley's reaction to Jamie's poster of her. Roy obviously knew they dated, but that was surprising. Roy also was shocked at how Keeley and his future self interacted. As they both cared deeply for Jamie and each other and that was a lot to process. He likes Keeley, she was a good friend, but clearly, there was more to it. But he didn't like leaving his Jamie alone after not seeing his mum for so long. So he went back downstairs. He was surprised to see his Jamie sitting on the steps. 

"Too much?" Roy asks. Jamie nods. Roy sits down next to him. He can tell Jamie is holding back tears. 

"I just don't understand why this is happening," Jamie says.

"I wish I had the answer, but I don't," Roy says. "But I've got you." Roy puts an arm around Jamie's shoulder, and without hesitation, Jamie leans in. 

Bright light hits them again, only this time it’s a lot more painful. 

"Are you guys okay?" Dani Rojas is standing over him. Jamie is confused because he is on the floor. Dani helps him sit up. He looks over to see Roy sit up with Sam's help and rub his head. 

"What the fuck?" Roy says, looking over at Jamie before the med team is looking them over and telling them to take the day off. Ted insisted they go home. 

But they aren't actually allowed to drive. Ted tells someone to get them a car. They both change out of their kits. Roy sits on the bench looking at the no longer glowing time travel bauble. 

"Did what I think happen, actually happen?" Jamie says as he sits down beside him. "What do you remember?" 

"A fucking lot," Roy says. "What do you remember?"

"I taught you to ride a bike in Amsterdam for your grandad, and you probably owe your niece a lot of money," Jamie says.

"So that shit with your old man, that's real?" Roy looks at Jamie. And Jamie's instinct is to lie, but Roy looks genuinely worried about him, and Jamie just can't lie to him. Jamie nods. 

"Okay then," Roy says. They head out to the waiting car. Jamie is curious when it's just one. 

"It's possible head trauma, my sister would kill me if I left you alone, and you died when I know the actual risks."

"Okay," Jamie doesn't argue because his head hurts and he is tired. Roy is probably feeling the same way, and Roy is going to stay with him, and he is oddly okay with it. "Fucking knackered so let's go." They get on, and both end up going to Jamie's flat. And that was probably a bad idea because of what they had witnessed happen there, but Jamie was tired. Jamie sets his stuff down. And goes into his kitchen. 

"Tea?" Jamie asks. 

"Sure," Roy says. And Jamie is shocked he didn't just grunts. If Roy was using words, then he probably wanted to talk.

Roy isn't surprised to see everything is in the same spots that he had witnessed Roy's future self use in the kitchen. Roy actually pays attention to where things are, and it catches him off guard because does that mean he genuinely wants that future to happen? Is that even possible now that they know parts of it? Doesn't that automatically change things? Roy rubs at his temples and grunts. Jamie slides a bottle of paracetamol to him. 

"Stupid uncanny, wonderland bullshit apparently gives you a fucking headache," Jamie says. 

And Roy huffs a laugh. "Fucking does."

"All because my prick teammate from Man City challenged me to buy a glowing rock."

"Jamie…" Roy starts, but Jamie turns away when the electric kettle clicks off. 

"I'm sorry you got caught up in that," Jamie says as he prepares two mugs of tea.

"I'm not," Roy says without hesitation, and Jamie stops and looks at him. "The headache is shit, but do you think we would be sitting here having a civil conversation if it didn't happen? No, we'd be at training pushing each other's buttons until we end up in a fight. Or just being pricks. And now I feel like shit because I know-"

"Don't," Jamie says. "Don't tell me you feel guilty. You don't need to. Because I push your buttons on purpose, you know that, right? Because I was raised that attention and glory is all that matters. And I wanted your attention, good or bad, so I picked fights. That is not the same thing as my dad throwing shit at me for missing a goal or backhanding me because I didn't do exactly what he wanted me to do but never actually told me to do. You are not like him. You might be a prick now and again for seemingly no reason, but I'm what did you call me, prince of all pricks? Yeah. I earned that title. You have never come after me without me being a fucking prick first. I did Sam wrong, and you called me on it. I told Isaac and Colin to fuck with Nate after you told me to stop. Because attention is attention, and I was mad that you felt like you could tell me what to do. But the thing is, you can. You're the captain. And if you get to feel shitty about that, then I am so fucking sorry about the granddad thing. You never got to say goodbye to your granddad, and it left a fucking mark. And I kept-"

"Oh fuck off," Roy rolls his eyes. "I can handle the word."

“So, want me to teach you to ride a bike?” Jamie asks, a hopeful look on his face.

“Fucking hell,” Roy grunts.

“Come on, you’ve used a stationary bike, so you get the idea. You just need the balance. It’s a useful skill to have in this city, and well, you won't have to admit to anyone else that-”

“Fine, but not today. My fucking head is killing me.”

“Works for me,” Jamie grins. 

The next day at training, Roy walks in, and Ted looks up at him. "I need to fucking talk to you," Roy says.

"Something wrong?" Ted nods.

"Yes," Roy says, and that is a red flag for Ted. It wasn't just a grunt. He closes the door to the office behind them, and it's just the two of them.

"No matter what fucking happens, you cannot let them recall Jamie to Manchester," Roy says.

Ted is confused. "Why would we-"

"Doesn't fucking matter why!" Roy shouts, and Ted stares at him because Roy sounds almost desperate. "He cannot go back to Manchester. He can't go back to his old man."

"Why not? I'm confused. You don't even like Jamie Tartt. Don't want him on your team."

"Because his fucking father beats the shit out of him if he doesn't score a goal or if he doesn't do what he says or-"

"He what?" And Ted is actually upset now. He goes out into the locker room to find Jamie. And Jamie seems to know what is coming when he looks at Roy. And it is like Jamie just deflates. His shoulders drop. The facade of bravado falls. And it makes a few of the other players do a double-take. 

"Yes, coach?" Jamie asks despite knowing what he is most likely going to say.

"Is it true?" Ted asks. "About your father?" 

Jamie looks over at Roy, who just nods. 

"Yeah. He-" Before Jamie even finished saying it. He was being hugged by Ted. And it's like a fucking dam breaks because Jamie realizes he finally has people on his side that he didn't have to spend money to keep around. People that want to protect him. And Jamie fucking cries. The entire locker room goes quiet. Everyone is in shock. Ted ends up half dragging Jamie into the office to talk. Jamie tells him what had happened the day before, what they saw. Even about the game and something they heard future Roy discuss with Ted and Beard before the City match. Ted had called Total Football. The team looks at Roy.

"What just happened?" Colin asks, looking between Roy and the door. 

"You see Jamie's dad, James fucking Tartt, anywhere around Richmond, you tell me so his fucking teeth meet the pavement," Roy states. 

"Seriously, bruv," Isaac looks at Roy. "What happened?" 

"He has spent Jamie's whole fucking like smacking him around and telling him he's worthless. Did fucking unspeakable shit. Fucker should be in jail, but Jamie doesn't want a fucking scandal. So we deal with it in fucking house. You hear me? James fucking Tartt doesn't get anywhere near him."

"You and Jamie best mates now?" Colin asks in shock.

"That a fucking problem, Hughes?"

"What?! No, just that-"

"Just what?" Roy glares at him.

"The other day, you threatened to use his balls as a speed bag and then threatened all of us at the club." Isaac is confused.

"And you headbutted me," Colin says. 

"And you fucking deserved it," Roy states. "Things fucking changed. You think I don't feel like a right prick for threatening that shit after finding out his old man treats him like a fucking punching bag? I'm not a fucking monster. Might fucking seem like I have a cold heart, but it's still a fucking heart." Roy storms off.

"What the fuck happened to them yesterday?" One of the players says. They all agree. 

"He's right, though," Isaac says. "Jamie might be a prick, but he is still on our team. If his old man is a monster, then we keep him away, yeah?"

They all agree. 

"You want me to what?" Rebecca looks at Ted like he is insane.

"Buy out Jamie's Man City contract."

"And why would I do that?"

"Because if they recall him, we either lose both him and Roy Kent because Roy will feel obligated to go and protect Jamie. Or Jamie goes back to a very bad situation at home."

"Why does Roy Kent feel obligated to protect Jamie Tartt of all people? They can't even stand being in the same room."

"Not anymore," Ted says, earning a confused look from his boss. "Roy learned that Jamie's father has been abusing him for years. It's why Jamie didn't mind being loaned to Richmond. He could get distance from his father and be the star of a team like his dad wanted him to be. But it's for the wrong team now, and his dad makes sure he remembers that I guess. It's just a big mess. And if we send Jamie back, we send him right back to the man that goes out of his way to not only tear Jamie down but physically hits him. And I cannot have that on my conscience. Can you?"

Rebecca frowns. Well, that might muck up her plans. She might be a bitch, but is she really that heartless? Jamie could end up dead. And that would be on her hands. But if she wants to get back at Rupert, Jamie Tartt and Roy Kent being buddies could be a problem. 

"I'm sure that won't happen. Pep Guardiola wouldn't risk his players like that. Once he is made aware of the situation-"

"How is Pep supposed to protect him when he isn't at the club? What happens when Jamie's father finds out he's blacklisted from matches and his meal ticket cut off? He shouts and hits Jamie if he misses a goal. You really think he is going to just let that go?" 

"Jamie is an adult and is allowed to decide how to go about his life. So is Roy Kent."

"You cannot be serious," Ted says.

"No one is being recalled at the moment," Rebecca states. "You are getting worked up over something that isn't even happening. Go back to work, Ted. Do your job right, and City will have no reason to recall him any time soon." 

Ted storms out. 

"Fuck," Jamie curses when Ted comes back angry. Jamie looks across the room at Roy. 

Roy comes over. He looks at the office where Ted is talking animatedly to Beard and pacing. 

"Ted is not happy," Jamie says. "Which mean Ms. Welton-"

"Don't worry about it," Roy says. 

"But-"

"You don't have to worry. You don't have to do this alone," Roy says with a sincerity that caught Jamie off guard.

"You going to follow me to Manchester?" Jamie jokes. 

"Told Ted I would," Roy states.

"You what?" Jamie looks at him like he's insane. "That's mental. You'd be throwing away-"

"My knee is already fucked. And apparently, I make a decent fucking coach. I'm sure I could-"

Jamie surges forward and kisses Roy. He had seen his future self do it, but now he could understand why he would actually do it. Roy fucking Kent offering to throw away everything he has worked for for Jamie. 

The team shouts at them, and Roy just flips them off. 

"Don't be fucking stupid," Jamie says. "Your niece needs you. She already has a shit dad that abandoned her. You don't get to leave her for me."

"And what about your shit dad," Roy says. 

"Then we make sure Man City has no reason to recall him." They look up to see Ted standing there. He smiles at them. "Look at you two being all cute." 

"That a problem?" Roy asks.

"No way, Jose," Ted grins. "Right, fellas?" They look over at the rest of the team. They all agree it's not really a big deal. Colin actually seems off about it, and Roy would have to remember to talk to him.

"Like I said, we'll just have to make sure they have no reason to call him back. So get out there and make sure. To the pitch!" Ted says, and everyone heads out. The team actually congratulates Roy and Jamie on being happy and telling them if anyone gives them shit, even Jamie's dad, they have their backs. And Jamie feels lighter than he has in ages. 

Roy pulls Colin aside as they wrap up training for the morning.

"Are we going to have a fucking problem, Hughes?"

"What? No! Why would we-"

"When Ted asked if the team had issues about Jamie and me-"

"Shit," Colin put his hands up like he meant no harm. "I'm sorry, you won't have to worry about anything from me. I just…I didn't think anyone else on the team…" Colin can't bring himself to admit it quite yet, even if he now knows Roy and Jamie could probably understand how he felt.

"Oh," Roy says, relaxing. "So you…” Colin nods. Roy continues, “Huh. Well, you're not alone.  If anyone, I mean fucking anyone, gives you shit, let me know. Out or not, no pressure. Didn't exactly plan on it coming out the way it did."

"But that's just a very Jamie Tartt way, yeah?" Colin chuckled.

"Fucking right," Roy agrees. 

When they break for lunch, Jamie checks his phone. He has a message from Keeley to call him. So he does. 

"Hey Keeley, whats-"

"You kissed Roy Kent!" She shouts. 

"Jesus, Keeley, the team might not care, but you can't go fucking shouting it out like that. Could ruin both our careers."

"Yeah, sorry, babe, but what the hell? Last thing I knew, you were toasting his death and picking fights in the locker room." 

"We went through something weird yesterday and bonded, I guess."

"Bonded," Keeley mocks. "You kissed him in front of your whole team. That is more than-"

"I told him about my dad," Jamie says. Keeley knows he has a very bad relationship with his dad, but she never asked for details. 

"And it's bad enough that Roy Kent is now your number one fan?"

"Something like that," Jamie says. 

"Huh," Keeley says and is quiet for a minute.

"Still there?" Jamie asks. 

"Yeah," Keeley says. "I don't understand what happened, but if you're happy, that's good."

"Thanks, Keeley. And I'm sorry. You deserved better than the way I treated you."

"That means a lot to me, Jamie. It really does."

Jamie looks up to see Roy looking at him. 

"Well, I mean it. Gotta go, Keeley," he says.

"Text me all the juicy details," Keeley says. Jamie laughs but doesn't tell her no. They both say goodbye and hang up.

"Keeley," Jamie says, and when Roy gives him a curious look as they go to grab lunch in the canteen.

Roy frowns, and Jamie has to bite back a grin. 

"Someone must have told her that I kissed you because-"

"What?" Roy looks pissed now. Jamie pulls him aside. 

"She won't tell anyone. As mad as she ever might be at me, she isn't going to out anyone. Keeley's…well, she gets it. Trust me. She won't tell anyone. And I apologized for being a prick. Then she told me to text her, so I think we're okay now." Jamie grins. He looks at Roy, who still looks unsure. "You trust me, yeah?"

And Roy looks at Jamie like really looks at him. He can tell Jamie isn't joking around anymore. 

"Yes, Jamie. I trust you." And Roy knows he said the right thing because Jamie smiles up at him like Roy, indeed, was his hero. Like he means the whole fucking world to him now. And fuck, everything they saw of the future just makes more and more sense. Because Roy doesn't want Jamie to stop looking at him like that. And that is a new and heady feeling for Roy. 

"I want to tell you your fucking beautiful, but I know it'll just boost your ego," Roy says in a low tone. And Jamie hadn't expected his body to react the way it did because the combination of Roy fucking Kent being so close to him, his voice low and soft like that, and his fucking words makes Jamie want to drop to his knees in the fucking hallway and choke on Roy Kent's dick. And the thought of that has Jamie's own dick half-hard. Jamie looks around before dragging Roy back and into the boot room. He barely glances around before he kisses Roy.

"You can't just fucking say shit like that in the fucking hallway," Jamie is breathless, his words spoken against Roy's lips. 

"Then don't fucking look at me like I fucking hung the moon," Roy says, kissing him again.

"Can't help it, too happy."

Roy growls.

They separate as the door opens, and Will looks at them and walks back out. Jamie laughs, and Roy groans. 

"Lunch?"

"Lunch," Roy agrees and follows him out of the room. Jamie sends an apologetic but somehow still smug look at Will. Will nods and hurries into the boot room.

Roy is livid when they find out Jamie is being recalled to Man City. Ted cannot believe it either. They had done everything right, but he had benched Jamie once to try a new technique Jamie and Roy had suggested because they had seen it in the future. And Jamie is oddly calm. 

"I'm going with you," Roy insists. 

"No, you aren't," Jamie says. "Because the team needs you, Phoebe needs you." 

"What about you?" Roy asks.

"Roy," Jamie says in all seriousness. 

"Don't fucking 'Roy' me," Roy growls. 

"I need you to trust me," Jamie says. 

"I do, but this is fucking bullshit," Roy seethes. 

"I know," Jamie says. "But I can handle it."

"And what about us?"

"That is why I need you to trust me because I like us. I don't want to end it. But we both have contracts." 

"If your old man so much as fucking touches you, I will fucking drive up there and kill him."

"I know you will," Jamie smiles at him. 

"I don't want you to go," Roy admits. 

"I don't want to go," Jamie assures him. "But give me a chance to sort it out. Pep is a reasonable person. He's isn't Ted, but he'll listen."

"Tell him about your old man."

"No need." They look up to see Ted approach them. 

"What?" Jamie looks at him in confusion. 

"I talked to Higgins, and he got me in touch with Pep. He stopped the recall."

"He did?" Roy asks. 

"At first, he said he'd make sure your father wasn't allowed near Etihad Stadium. I asked him what you were supposed to do when not with the team. You can't just live in the locker room. And Pep may have pull on the pitch and in the building, but he can't protect you out in the rest of Manchester. So until we can come up with a better plan, he agreed you can stay in Richmond. He agrees your safety is what is important." With that, the facade breaks. Jamie was so relieved he actually cries. Roy holds him close as he does. 

"Thanks, Coach," Roy says.

"I gave you my word that you didn't have to worry. I meant it. Besides, the team was just starting to get good. Can't just let that go. What kind of coach would I be?"

They both agreed with that. 

"Let's go tell the boys," Ted says. Jamie scrubs at his face with his sleeve and gets an eye roll from Roy as he does before Roy more gently dries Jamie's tear-tracked face. 

"Aww, you two are too cute," Ted says. Roy growls at him.

"Nope, still cute." Ted heads to the locker room to tell the team Jamie was staying. He'd deal with a pissed off Rebecca later if he had to.

#tw: cursing #tw: swearing #tw: childhood trauma #tw: child abuse #tw: violence #tw: ptsd #tw: post traumatic stress disorder #tw: repression #time travel au #ted lasso fic #jamie tartt #roy kent #royjamie #roy x jamie #jamie x roy #afc richmond #ted lasso #canon divergent au

[lostmf]

#sadnees #tw depressing thoughts #i'm sad #depressing shit #childhood trauma #childhood #depressing life #quotes #tw depressing stuff #poetic #female anger #anger vent #childhood truama #tw self destructive behavior #tw disordered eating #tw ptsd #tw self destruction #tw ed rant #anger issues #repressed anger #angercore #generational truama #tw truama #art #digital art #photoblog #deppressed #help plz #screaming crying throwing up #this is a cry for help

[lgbtiwtv]

god. god. the significance of the diary pages about claudia’s assault being torn out raggedly by Louis, clearly in a fit of guilt and anguish and trauma, vs the diary pages about louis mourning lestat and regretting killing him being removed with surgical control and precision. by armand. this wasn’t a heat of the moment action it was deliberate and calculated and I can’t stop thinking about it

#I’m SICK I tell you SICK over this #how much of Louis memory and life has he been controlling all these years??!!!! #louis already has repressed memories due to depression and trauma and now THIS??? Armand’s very very careful and constant control? #and manipulation of the truth? of not only Louis’ recollections but of Claudia’s??????? GOD #I can’t fucking wait for season 2 rashidmand judgement day WILL be upon you #and my god......the idea that louis asked for some aspect of this??? my heart is broken i'm crying tears of blood.... #do I know if this is true? no. do I think armand is controlling everything? no…but I also think it’s part of it all #iwtv spoilers #iwtv #amc iwtv spoilers #interview with the vampire #the vampire armand #louis de pointe du lac #m watches iwtv #tw assault #tw assault mention

[roserunodays]

I need people to realize just how fucking tragic it would be if Lucky turns out to Kotoko’s true victim and the crime she’s being charged with at Milgram.

Imagine staining your hands with blood. You’ve thrown away your whole future, but at least you were able to save one person.

But you don’t have that purpose anymore. You need your next target. You can’t just stop now, right? Because then what good are you if you can’t continue to carry out justice? You've had to quit university, you're isolated from your peers because of the case you were involved in, so what do you have left?

The little girl you saved, who idolizes you and wants to just be like you.

But you realize you can't have this. Not only are love and bonds weaknesses for a supposed vigilante like you, you'll just get her hurt again if you let her keep close to you.

So you reject the little girl and her affection. You coldly brush her off despite the sight of her causing your eyes to light up with life again. It would just be for her own sake though. Because you slowly realize yourself just how much of a monster you’ve become now that you seek out your next target to kill.

Somewhere later on, you get involved with something that ultimately leaves you with the body of that same girl you tried to save under your feet, in that goddamn alleyway.

Maybe it was negligence, a prioritization of wanting to kill the evil instead of protecting the weak who needed it. You got caught up with the adrenaline seeking behavior of wanting to kill someone.

"Fufufu...this feels so good."

And you failed to notice that you left the girl defenseless, and she dies because of you. The same girl who you saved from death, loses her life as a result of your actions.

And then you realize to yourself: I shouldn’t have left her alone. I should’ve made sure she was safe. But I didn’t, because I needed to get my purpose back. I needed to keep going on this road to hell I’ve paved for myself.

And as the voices slowly become more and more apparent after the very likely guilty and unforgiven verdict, the guilt and self-hatred completely overwhelms you.

"You're a monster."

"It's your fault that she died."

"From the beginning I've never asked for your understanding! My actions, one by one, are bringing earth closer to peace. Useless weaklings should just shut up and let me protect them!"

"You can't save anyone."

#I’m not okay #my question is if kotoko knows #she either is completely unaware or she's very much aware and she's trying to repress it badly #milgram #kotoko yuzuriha #tw blood #rose.txt

[moodymisty]

[ 𝕸𝖔𝖔𝖉𝖞𝕸𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖞'𝖘 𝕸𝖆𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙| 𝕬𝖔3 ]

Author’s note: Send help. Send a therapist I don’t know I just need some form of mental health assistance.

Relationships: Typhus/Fem!Reader

Warnings: NSFW (god save me), Disgusting Nurgle stuff, Fingering, Like 72 degrees of unsafe sex, Implied sex pollen/aphrodisiac, Noncon, Stockholm syndrome, Tentacles,

It’s a massive room, at one point it might have been a cathedral; To Mortarion, to the Emperor, or who else else the Death Guard worshiped before falling to Nurgle. Slime leaks from the walls and rusts away at the metal, eating holes in piping and supports alike. Tentacles, spores and other types of biomass litter it, with little botflies fluttering about. What they're doing you don't know, but they catch your eye every now and again.

It's not as if you can do much else. He's taken your hope, your energy, your home.

In the center of all this rot and decay is your place; A flowerbed of sickly blossoms and blooms, moss and mushrooms all infected by Nurgle.

A beautiful flowerbed for his own little Isha, Calas had said. Though he’s no longer Calas, is he? Typhon has become Typhus, and you've become prisoner.

You now lay on your bed of rotten blooms, picking at flower petals. You can’t escape him- even if you escaped this massive rotten cathedral, where would you go? This ship is his, and you’re deep in what is now heretic space.

He won’t let you die; He won’t let you leave. Bare skin lays against the sticky moss, spores brushing against you.

He’d taken your clothes after the last time, other than the thin cloth that serves as a near useless, dress. You suppose he finds a sort of elegance to it- a maiden in white amidst a pit of disgust. Another parallel to Isha. He's been meticulous in recreating it all so he has his own glimmer of light betwixt a defiled cathedral and a ship of the most putrid diseases.

You can only lay hopeless, displayed on your flowerbed underneath corruption forming a mockery of trees with budded flowers, rotten petals falling to the floor. Typhus’ own altar to whatever desires he has in his head.

Suddenly movement causes you to raise upward, restoring your sanity and consciousness. You’ve never heard even close to this much noise before, not even when the Death Guard were forming up to invade a poor, hopeless planet.

“In here!”

You turn your head to the massive cathedral doors, watching them shake before giving way and pushing apart with loud creaking. Your heart pounds in your chest with more hope than you’ve ever had before, at the sight.

It’s Astartes! A squad of them. You don’t know where they’re from or what they’re doing here, but they’re here to save you from this. Save you from him. To finally either pull you from this rotten ship or kill you here, and finally end this state of undeath Typhus has you lingering in.

One of the Astartes comes closer and reaches for you, and you weakly reach out a hand for him. You try to touch it, but you don’t make contact; it’s like your hand nearly falls through.

“What happened?”

He says, and you wish you had the ability to explain. How Calas has changed, the ship becoming nothing more than a vessel of disgust and disease.

“Help me,” You weakly say, but it feels like you’re trying to speak underwater.

Where did the other Astartes disappear to?

The marine’s armored hand reaches down to grasp your bare arm, and you think you hear him say your name. But how would he know it?

He says it again, and again…

And then your body jolts, legs straightening as your eyes open. Your lips part as you gasp, taking in so deep a breath you almost choke on the air.

“There you are, my girl.”

The man once called Calas looks over you while on his knee, the grill of his helmet hiding what is left of his face.

You’ve seen it; How the Nurgle infection has eaten away at his skin, changing was left to sickly yellow, green and purple. His armor seems entangled with his flesh, becoming one and the same. His appearance horrifies you, and makes you yearn for what once was.

“Were you having a nightmare?”

His rusted gauntlet scrapes across your skin, nicking your cheek. You try to avoid shivering, hands pressing against the ground below you.

It wasn’t a nightmare, it was the brightest glimpse of hope you had since Typhus doomed all of the Death Guard, and it was little more than your imagination.

“My sweet girl, you were asking for help.”

His hand drifts from your face, you wonder why it smells sweet, down your neck then the rest of your body and you whimper, trying to move away from him. His armor feels warm like it's almost alive, and perhaps it is- they're one and the same now.

His massive gauntlet slips between your legs, armored fingers diving between your folds as you writhe and attempt to pull away from him.

“I can grant your every desire much like grandfather does with Isha, you only need to let me in.”

He already is in; You feel his rusted gauntlet prod at your entrance. Your whimper and push at him, in some futile attempt to escape.

“Stop, please stop,”

Calas- Typhus, forces his armor finger into you and feels the way you tighten, pressing your hips down into the mossy flowerbed. Tears prick your eyes as you feel him sink into you deep, cold armor pressing against your cunt.

“You don’t want me to stop; I can smell you. The honey you’re making.”

You want him to stop, you want your skin to stop buzzing and heating up, as you feel your body begin to betray you. The flowers, the spores, Typhus himself, you don't know what he does that makes you lose control over yourself, but you hate every moment of it. It makes tears roll down your cheeks as your stomach tightens in knots over the feeling of his now two fingers deep inside of you, the palm of his gauntlet pushing against your clit.

“Please…. Stop…”

You try to turn away from him but his other hand grasps your jaw, turning you right back. Your body feels so hot, you can feel the brushing of little tentacles across your inner thighs, your breasts, your neck. Whether they’re from him or the flowerbed you don’t know, but they only serve to spark trails of fire as your body heats up like a furnace.

Typhus removes his hand from your cunt to push your thighs wider apart, the bottoms of your feet almost touching. They stay fallen apart, and your hands reach down to grasp at his decayed gauntlet as he pushes his fingers back into you.

Just finish, give him what he wants and then he'll leave. Ignore how good he makes you feel.

He hears you let out a whimper, finally broken. He laughs, the fingers of his other hand stroking your cheek.

“Good girl, just let me gift you all that you desire.”

You can hear the wet squelches of your own cunt as you leak over his rusted, decayed armor, weeping for more without your permission. You can hear in the back of your mind the no no no no no, but it's so chained by whatever sweet scent had filled your nostrils that you can't touch it.

You just want to be filled, by anything.

Your thoughts become your own for a moment as you feel how much you hate when he does this; It’s like your body and mind detach and you can no longer control yourself.

Your hands grasp his gauntlet tighter and try to pull him closer, arch closer to him, begging for more. The disgust of mushrooms and slime and rotten petals falling on your skin fades as he fills your mind with nothing but forced desire for him.

“It took Isha many years to realize Grandfather was her savior,” He pulls his fingers from your tight heat to tease your clit and make you gasp, before sinking them into you again. Your hips jerk upwards, tears in your eyes from how much you want this and how much you don’t want this. “And now you see, as well.”

You feel the tickle of flies landing on your skin, it makes you want to vomit. They always hover around him like he has a gravitational pull.

You cum against his hand as he thrusts his armored fingers deep into you, crying out with a voice now hoarse from your whimpers and cries. He hums pleased behind his helm, as you lay limp in front of him. Your inner thighs are slick, and you feel something tickle against them that isn't his hand.

He pulls his soaked hand from between your thighs, putting it on your stomach as his other hand slips underneath your shoulderblades. He raises you slightly up off the flowerbed removing his hand from your stomach to take off his helmet.

You want to look away, to preserve the memory of Calas. But he’s gone, rotted away. You feel his hand cup your jaw to force you to look at him, your lips brushing against his dried, rotten mouth.

His hand returns to your stomach again.

“My beautiful little flower in her beautiful little garden; Begging to be pollinated.” You feel your mind returning from its foggy state and you weakly kick your legs wanting to get away.

“You are in bloom, my beautiful little flower. I can’t wait to make so many more.”

#tw noncon #I could’ve gone worse in hindsight but I need to warm up #I repressed my disgusting tendencies in my Star Wars era it’s good to free them again #typhus x reader #typhus the traveler x reader #reader insert #reader #mywriting

[girlyteengirl16]

i don’t need therapy i need them to die

#mortal enemies #i hate my parents #fuck you #childhood neglect #trauma #tw depressing stuff #tw sh destructive behaviour #intrusive thinking #child neglect #female rage #repressed anger #anger issues #mental abuse #mentally unstable #stress

[imhere-imqueer-ilikedeer]

Logan doesn't repress because he was taught to.

He represses because he feel like he needs to.

Hw feels emotion, but it's kind of muted to very dull, small emotions. He's sure he's sure he has deeper emotions, but he's repressed so thoroughly that even he can't feel them.

He's felt big emotions before. A few times, if it got too much. All that emotion, when you aren't used to it, gets overwhelming. It's easier to just not feel it, than to bring it out an deal with it.

Because if he acknowledge it, it gets bigger. And the bigger it gets, the more it shows. The more it shows, the more he hates it.

He can't stand people's comfort. Just let him be sad, and ignore him while he does it. Let him sit there, let him lick his wounds in private. But that is not human nature. Human nature is to comfort.

He despise comforting people. They tell him something is wrong, they tell him it is ok, they tell him to feel the emotion. Then the emotion gets bigger, and he feels it more. He shows it more.

When he show it, he gets a kind of emotion hangover. Two hours later, two days later, he remembers the emotion he showed. And that is an embarrassment he never wants to feel again.

he'd rather stay on top of the emotion. Press it down. Nip it in the bud. Just avoid that spiral all together.

Because sharing his emotion doesn't make it better. It only leads to more emotion. It only gets worse.

He doesn't repress emotion because he was taught to.

He represses emotion because he needs to.

#logan sanders #fic #kinda #one shot #angst #tss logan #thomas sanders #sanders sides #repression #tw repression #tw emotion #angst logan sanders #robin rambles #robin writes

[shizoangels]

“But he was just a child”

So was I

And I’m suffering and he’s not

#cw cocsa #cocsa victim #cocsa vent #cocsa survivor #tw cocsa #csa vent #tw csa implied #csa survivor #tw csa #actually mentally ill #actually ptsd #ptsd vent #personal vent #traumatic experience #actuallytraumatized #mental health #repressed memories

[syringaledraws]

There's blood on your hands that won't come off

#something something long-lasting repressed guilt #twewy #the world ends with you #joshua kiryu #yoshiya kiryu #neku sakuraba #joshneku #tw blood #my art

[spop-romanticizes-abuse]

what bothers me about horde prime, more than his lazy characterization or his lack of impact on the narrative, is the fact that he is such a bad representation of a cult leader. like,, this is not how cults work. they don’t just insert a chip into you and make you follow their every directive like a robot. real life cults are a lot more terrifying because they use manipulation as a tactic to convince people to join them. it’s not a digital chip that you can remove from your system and suddenly you’re in complete control of yourself. cult survivors have talked about how hard it is to actually unlearn that mindset and start thinking for themselves, how many years it takes to stop feeling guilty for leaving their cult or seeing the toxicity in the leaders they so religiously followed.

sure, hordak and catra have some trauma tied to their experience with horde prime, but most of that is because of the physical torture they went through, rather than their experience of being brainwashed. and it’s fine if horde prime was just some villain and not a genocidal cult leader. but it’s clear that he was written to be a religious authority figure, the execution is just so off.

i know he’s a character in a fantasy world, so he had to use his powers for something. but instead of turning people into robots, he could have shown them a “better world” through his tech, talked them into joining him and forgetting about all their current worries, and then used them as weapons against etheria.

it would have been a lot more impactful and angsty if catra had willingly joined horde prime’s cult so that she could repress her guilt. in fact, it would have been really interesting if horde prime had convinced catra that he would help her repend for all that she did, if she joined his cult. this would have been a lot more comparable to religious guilt and trauma in real life, and it would show that catra actually felt bad for what she did, instead of just looking sad for a while and then continuing to be a shitty person anyway.

#everyday i mourn the character horde prime could have been #he could have actually been representative of toxic religious figures who push unhealthy mindsets #instead of being all “heehee you love adora dont you” he could have been like #“i sense guilt. you’ve done a lot of horrible things and you want to take it all back but you can’t. at least you think you can’t. #but if you join me you can repend for all your sins. dedicate yourself to me and i’ll make sure you’ll never feel like a bad person again.” #and it sounds like escapism because it is #halfway through catra begins to realize this and she has to choose between repressing her guilt #and actually allowing herself to feel guilty so that she can work on being better #and instead of having adora rescue her catra rescues herself by making a hard decision #but alas #spop critical #spop salt #spop #spop discourse #spop criticism #she ra #anti spop #tw religious guilt #tw religious trauma #tw religion #tw cult

[lostmf]

#sadnees #tw depressing thoughts #depressing shit #i'm sad #depressing life #tw depressing stuff #quotes #childhood trauma #poetic #childhood #childhood ptsd #childhood truama #truamacore #angercore #female anger #anger vent #living with ptsd #ptsd vent #repressed anger #tw truama #sadgirl #cptsd vent #kill my feelings #feelings #im hurtin #mental illness #mentally fucked #mentally exhausted #this is a cry for help #anger issues

[iwillbreakyourfuckingskull]

I love being a physically and mentally strong 35 y/o man who can fight back and take no shit from people and never having been a little girl who was sexually abused by her own family. Right? That never happened to me.... right guys??

#tw csa #tw inc*st #csa survivor #actuallydid #actuallycdd #tw sa #csa victim #repressed memories #levi.speaking #my.posts #csa vent

[thecreep-andtheweirdo]

hi guys

#repressed memories #actually cptsd #sa trauma #cptsd problems #oc art #sa vent #tw sa #csa vent #tw

[hammerbonk]

Here’s my fanart for the amazing Vernetto fic I’ll Be There (With all the Letters I ever Wrote for You) by @furinuris !

+ Spoilers below but it’s not rlly accurate to any scene in particular??

“Lest I forget, in these past few days of repose, I chose to claim her for my very own. May Lady Vertin find it written on her skin one day when the rain comes.”

Shoutout to this fic! It really takes Vertin and Sonetto’s dynamic in a direction I’ve seen others rarely do

I really wanted to try and capture the ‘something’s not right’ atmosphere I got from the later chapters. Because while the romantic Vernetto moments are sweet and all, you can’t ignore whatever is going on with Sonetto 💀💀

I greatly look forward to the next chapters and the Storm they’ll bring for the entire cast!

#tw blood #tw scopophobia #tw body horror #remember kids #dont harbour repressed feelings towards childhood classmates or this happens #did you like my pun guys #reverse 1999 #r1999 #reverse: 1999 #rev1999 #sonetto #sonetto reverse 1999 #reverse 1999 sonetto #vertin #(‘s hand) #vernetto #tk14 #Spotify #artbonk

[realbeefman]

there is something that cuts so deep about frank saying “boy’s hole” and insisting that he gets it, that he’s saying the line correctly, that he understands what the scene + song literally represent, while charlie is insistent that it’s “soul”

to the gang there’s no difference. they understand what charlie is talking about beyond the metaphor, so they must Get it, right? to them, there’s no difference between acknowledging reality and dealing with it. acknowledgement is tantamount to healing and coping and moving on. they can acknowledge objective facts, but struggle to recognize when events are traumatic, whereas charlie is much more comfortable allowing himself to be upset, even as he refuses to acknowledge why he’s upset.

idk something about frustration and the feeling that something basic was stolen from you in a way you can’t even fully articulate and. because you can’t say It you’ll never be fully understood.

#idk women are mired in repression. thats why the gang is Like That #csa mention #tw csa #its always sunny in philadelphia #its always sunny #iasip #the nightman cometh #charlie kelly #frank reynolds #the gang #iasip meta

[laniemae]

Not gonna get into danganronpa another spoilers because this whole scene is something else that I’m still processing but I absolutely love this line. Like to bring up milgram I think this is an idea which can reflect on lots of the characters as well. The idea of basing your entire existence off of a certain thing/person/ideology and then for something to happen that completely destroys that. Your entire person has been stripped away and just what’s left? You can’t comprehend your own existence or meaning without that specific attachment and you start to question all of your actions based off that…

I can only really think of John, Kotoko, and Es here (and possibly Amane and Mikoto to an extent). And John bases his life off of Mikoto, Kotoko upholding justice, and Es being the warden.

John’s idea of his whole existence and reason for being is Mikoto. It’s the only reason he believes he exists and if he were to fulfill his role he’d “disappear” as he would be completely worthless without him. John tries to repress and ignore his humanity and reduce himself as a tool to protect Mikoto and that’s all he can see himself as. But now Mikoto’s starting to not deny his existence and feels pure hatred for everything about him. And what will happen to John, when the person he’s dedicated his entire life to and desperately wants praise from, denies his existence? What will he be but some worthless existence that is only a burden, to him.

Kotoko. An ideology of upholding justice and punishing evil that has completely overtaken her. She has pushed herself into a role of a “fang” for justice, protecting the weak and persecuting evil. But even so matter how much she tries, she knows her goals are unreachable. She denies relationships and attachments to other people based on this ideology. Kotoko admits that she does feel attachment to the prisoners, but has to deny them in order to fulfill the role as a tool. And believes that pain and violence is necessary to achieving a greater good. Trying to deny any regret because wouldn’t it be easier to believe you’re entirely in the right? She latched onto Es, believing them to be similar as the warden who carries out judgement on wether the prisoners are forgivable or not. But now, Es has denied her whole ideology, her whole existence due to the pain she’s caused. Kotoko wants to believe that what she did was right and that Es, another enforcer of justice would accept her, because that’s how it is.

And Es… they’re the warden of the prison. There’s nothing more to them than that they believe. Es has no memories of their identity or past before Milgram and immediately latched onto the identity given to them, of being the guard. Es took this role as their entire identity, an extension of the milgram system in order to interrogate and judge prisoners. I think Muu put this best.

“Warden-san, we call you "warden" because that's what you are, right? And I was assigned the role of prisoner, but that doesn't mean I'm now nothing but a prisoner at heart, too. After all, I'm still me.”

Es has an unstable sense of identity, to the point they latched on to the first thing they were given in order to give themselves a purpose and a meaning for existence. And Kotoko calling them “imperfect caused them to question their identity. But as the story progresses Es will probably begin to learn about the audiences control and the truth behind what they assumed to be their verdicts. That their will never was 100% their own. Who knows what Es’ past was, but eventually they’ll likely have to tackle it and their whole identity, the warden, the arms of milgram, is gone.

gonna think about Mikoto and Amane here as well. Mikoto, although may not seem to be as first, focuses his entire identity around other people. He’s the friendly sociable guy who’s easy to chat with. But that’s all he believes he should be, I guess. As perhaps this mindset is upheld by an inherent fear of other people rejecting him, so he focuses all his attention and identity on being a social person. He’s never truly friends with people, as perhaps that would be “too close” and open up the possibility for danger. He doesn’t completely deny his identity like the others, but he molds and shapes it in a way that is acceptable to others. He likes what everyone else likes and does what everyone else does so the fear of being rejected for being different won’t hurt him. But now he’s stopped denying John’s existence and his DID, believing himself to be crazy, and to be completely rejected from other people, his entire sense of identity to an extent. And especially with John scaring other people off with the mindset that will help Mikoto, he has now been completely distanced from everyone else and now has to come to terms with himself, but not the ideal persona he put on to be acceptable to other people.

Amane is a more different case as she in a way has rejected that idea, but not completely. Growing up in a cult it’s very likely that she was always conditioned that she was just a servant for god. That all the good things she did were actually god blessing her and all the bad things a fault of her humanity, herself as a person. She is in a unstable relationship with the whole submitting her personhood to her religion, as she sacrificed her ideologies in order to help a cat. But at the core, that wasn’t about herself and her identity, rather a focus on the cat’s life. Amane’s murder was her will. Rejecting everything and fighting for her life in direct opposition to what she has been taught her entire life and how her identity should be, a rejection of that and a glance into “herself”. But once again, this murder wasn’t entirely self motivated. She’s still broken enough that she can’t fully grasp herself as a person besides god and religion. And a large cause of her murder was out of the death of the cat, rather than simply protecting herself. Amane still slips back into the belief that her personhood is entirely dedicated to god. As she tried to convince herself and Es that the only reason she killed is because they deserved religious punishment and she is in the right for carrying out god’s will, once again denying her personal reason for doing so. Reducing herself to “we” on behalf of her religion, that this isn’t herself anymore. Amane is in a limbo between rejecting her personhood for god, but at the same time rejecting the suffering she’s been through in order to save “herself”. Amane’s case is so interesting, as there’s no clear answer of what she believes in here, and it is truly fascinating.

#milgram #Milgram theory #milgram analysis #amane momose #mikoto kayano #john kayano #john milgram #kotoko yuzuriha #es milgram #uhhhh this was meant to be a quick analysis how did this turn into an exploration of the identities of 5 characters #And comparing it to a scene from dra which focused a lot around the loss of someone’s beliefs completely destroying their identity? #May analyse that scene directly because the whole philosophical and psychological concepts coming into play there is just soooo cool #and man I was kinda figuring out stuff as I was writing this but like I said it’s so interesting how Amane isn’t completely dedicated to go #Like the other characters I mentioned who have dedicated their whole identities to something #And Amane’s at the struggling between her true self and her perfect religious self #But perhaps she doesn’t entirely realise this conflict going on within #Which is interesting as a realisation of their identities would probably cause the other characters to lose it #But Amane it’s coming to her in a different way #She’s so strong uahhhahhajajshshshs #Tw cults #Ok now thinking about this more I’m starting to see this whole ideology apply to other dra characters as well #Man this is just so interesting #Like Kinji although having nowhere near as bad of a situation of amane was in a way forced to repress his emotions his entire life #Due to religious reasons and to devote his life to god and reject personhood #Surprisingly he’s actually not a bad person but still is very stoic and avoids other people due to being taught those values #And kinji’s a whole parallel to Tsurugi so this would be really interesting #I would talk about Tsurugi here but this is primarily a milgram post so for everything he’s like kotoko with a dedication to justice #But handles it in a very different way #His story is just way to long to analyse now #But hey this is an invitation to play (or watch bc downloading the game is hard technically) danganronpa another