I'm failing all of my classes
I have no idea how or what I'm going to do to get into a college
I have no plans for my future
I just burden everyone with my existence- nothing good has come out of me being alive- absolutely nothing.
What if this blog turns into a giant suicide note? What if it becomes a timeline that shows others how Peach slowly descended further and further into mental stability until she couldn't handle life anymore?
WHY AM I SO FUCKING WEAK?? SO STUPID??
I really wish I could get sum therapy but it's really expensive (least in my country, cuz our healthcare system is complete shit). If I could tho I would glady get literally every single person who has abused me, pitied me and just plain treated me like shit to contribute to paying for my therapy. I really feel that that would be the only proper way for them to make up for traumatizing me
Why be Responsible When You Can Be Irresponsible?
Now WHY would I fulfill my responsibilities and live in the present when I can:
- zone out
-browse the internet
-daydream for most of my days
-make everyone hate me because of how irresponsible I am
-spiral and ruin my mental and physical health
-ruin my life by avoiding said responsibilities because, "well, suicide, is always an option" (because it is)
learning to not say “it’s okay” when someone hurts you is so. fucking. difficult. it’s honest to god one of the most painful parts of healing to rediscover your self worth and to stand up for yourself. and it’s so fucking brave of survivors to say it’s not okay, and i don’t have to accept your apology.
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i don’t want attention
stop looking at me
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you took so much away from me that you will never understand. i dont know how to love properly because of you. i cower whenever someone's mad because of you. i make someone's problems MY problems because of you. i have a distorted view of the world because of you. i drive everyone i love away because of you. i'm saddled with a lifetime of eating issues because of you.
you will never understand because you weren't the one traumatized.
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🔮 | horse_shoe_slime
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Because I've been thinking more as I did as I was younger, I'm remembering more of my thoughts of the past.
One of them just now was: "I deserve to die because I'm such a bad child."
I truly believed this. I thought that I'm a horrible child who should die because I'm whinny, loud, picky, burdensome, obnoxious and useless.
I really don't know what I want.
One part of me wants to heal and be able to be ok but on the other side I want to, to want to kill myself.
This basically means that I want to be in the head space so that I'm suicidal. I want to truly believe that I'm a bad person so that I'll be suicidal again. I can't handle change. There's too much that's been out of my control and has caused me so much unbelievable damage. My heart can't accept healing and I'm getting too tired and overworked to do anything.
Me as a younger child:"Mom, can I get bare minimum of feeling safe ?"
Mom:"We have bare minimum of feeling safe at home."
The bare minimum of feeling safe: extreme trauma, night terrors, having to cry secretly, constantly being yelled at and gaslighting you to the point where you question reality
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you hurt me so bad as a kid. and you hurt me by refusing to admit it now, you’re so much better but that’s not enough. i’ll be like this for the rest of my life and all you can do is say “well i had it worse”
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You fucking piece of shit. You’ve silenced me for so many years. You caused me so much pain. I still don’t know who I am, I haven’t been able to create an identity or live a full life or be happy or sleep since you fucking touched me. How dare you. You are coming to an end very soon. Just you wait motherfucker. I am coming