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zukosdualdao · 22 days

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still feel the spin / hurts when i remember (i never wanna feel it again)

zutara month, day 14: exposed, @zutaramonth

summary: the night they return from the boiling rock, zuko breaks away from the group and falls back into an old pattern. katara catches him.

warnings: references to abuse and ozai trying to kill zuko, dissociation, and self-harm via firebending. please read carefully, mind the warnings, and take a step back if needed. <3

other notes: title taken from control by zoe wees. don't ask katara why she went looking for him to tell him dinner was ready she doesn't have to answer such questions! (she did, in fact, notice him missing, and wanted to check on him, despite herself.)

The night they return from the Boiling Rock, Zuko watches with a smile as Katara and Sokka hug their father, relieved for them that he’s okay, and that Zuko could help in this.

There’s another feeling wriggling in the back of his mind, though—something more complicated, sick with grief that might morph back into that festering, dark kind of anger if he lets it, and he breaks awake from the group as soon as he gets the chance, with them not noticing as introductions are made and Sokka begins to recount the story.

Shaking his head, he makes for the quarters where Sokka first took him when he arrived at The Western Air Temple. The group tends to sleep together, huddled up with a fire between them for warmth, and Zuko’s taken to doing the same, but this is one place he knows he’ll be alone.

Taking a deep breath, he sits down on the bed there. Katara and Sokka were so happy to see their father, so relieved, and in turn, Hakoda’s love for them was clearly etched into his features.

Zuko remembers, in a flash, the last time he saw his own father, only weeks ago. The fear clawing at him even as he drew his swords at his father’s threats. That beat before Ozai tried to strike him down with lightning, the electricity working through him as he redirected it.

The knowledge that his father really would kill him.

Zuko doesn’t want anger to rule him anymore, and he’s afraid if he lets himself feel this too deeply, that’s what it will become.

His chest feels empty, caved in, scooped out. It’s easier, better, he thinks, to let it become muted, to let his feelings die as he swallows them down. Dazedly, almost unconsciously, he lifts his left hand and summons a small flame, grazing it against the palm of his other hand.

It takes more to burn a firebender than it does others, both because of their hot-blooded natures and because of resistance training. More heat, more intent, more desire—

He feels the heat growing against his palm more than he logically understands it. There’s a swell of pain, a bright searing point, but he only feels hollow.

“What are you doing?”

Zuko whips his head to see Katara staring at him in the doorway, eyes wide and surprised and maybe concerned, her expression so open, like she’s forgotten, for a moment, that she hates him.

She takes a long step forward before pausing.

“I—nothing,” he lies, extinguishing his flame and curling the fingers of his right palm against the shiny red skin there. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows it should hurt, but what he most feels is shame at the being caught, being exposed like this.

It's not something he does very often. Usually, he has a better handle on it. Knows better than to let his fire grow so strong.

Katara stands stock-still for another few seconds before she’s shaking her head, eyes closed, and huffing out a breath. She approaches him, sitting down on the bed beside him, and opens her waterskin, calling her bending water to her before taking his hands in her own.

Zuko inhales sharply, coming back to himself, as the water soothes his burned skin and draws out the pain, leaving only his blank palm behind. It had gone deep. If it weren’t for her, the fire probably would have left behind a scar.

Another one.

“You shouldn’t hurt your—” Katara starts in a quiet voice, almost kind of gentle, like she’s worried she might spook him. Then, she remembers herself. With her brow drawn, Katara then looks at him, her eyes hard and piercing once more. “Don’t do that again,” she says. “You’re Aang’s firebending teacher,” she reminds him. “We can’t afford for you to be hurt, and he can’t learn anything like that from you.”

Zuko nods, just once. She turns to leave, stopping at the doorway without looking back.

“Dinner is ready,” Katara says before walking away without waiting for his response.

With his hands pressed against his knees, Zuko waits another moment. Then, he stands, limbs feeling rigid, and follows her out.

#zutaramonth2024 #trigger: abuse.#trigger: dissociation.#trigger: self-harm.#zutara month #day 14: exposed.#atla #zutara #my fic #still feel the spin / hurts when i remember (i never wanna feel it again)#zuko #katara

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tofixtheshadows · 1 month

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I've been thinking a lot lately about how Kabru deprives himself.

Kabru as a character is intertwined with the idea that sometimes we have to sacrifice the needs of the few for the good of the many. He ultimately subverts this first by sabotaging the Canaries and then by letting Laios go, but in practice he's already been living a life of self-sacrifice.

Saving people, and learning the secrets of the dungeons to seal them, are what's important. Not his own comforts. Not his own desires. He forces them down until he doesn't know they're there, until one of them has to come spilling out during the confession in chapter 76.

Specifically, I think it's very significant, in a story about food and all that it entails, that Kabru is rarely shown eating. He's the deuteragonist of Dungeon Meshi, the cooking manga, but while meals are the anchoring points of Laios's journey, given loving focus, for Kabru, they're ... not.

I'm sure he eats during dungeon expeditions, in the routine way that adventurers must when they sit down to camp. But on the surface, you get the idea that Kabru spends most of his time doing his self-assigned dungeon-related tasks: meeting with people, studying them, putting together that evidence board, researching the dungeon, god knows what else. Feeding himself is secondary.

He's introduced during a meal, eating at a restaurant, just to set up the contrast between his party and Laios's. And it's the last normal meal we see him eating until the communal ending feast (if you consider Falin's dragon parts normal).

First, we get this:

Kabru's response here is such a non-answer, it strongly implies to me that he wasn't thinking about it until Rin brought it up. That he might not even be feeling the hunger signals that he logically knew he should.

They sit down to eat, but Kabru is never drawn reaching for food or eating it like the rest of his party. He only drinks.

It's possible this means nothing, that we can just assume he's putting food in his mouth off-panel, but again, this entire manga is about food. Cooking it, eating it, appreciating it, taking pleasure in it, grounding yourself in the necessary routine of it and affirming your right to live by consuming it. It's given such a huge focus.

We don't see him eat again until the harpy egg.

What a significant question for the protagonist to ask his foil in this story about eating! Aren't you hungry? Aren't you, Kabru?

He was revived only minutes ago after a violent encounter. And then he chokes down food that causes him further harm by triggering him, all because he's so determined to stay in Laios's good graces.

In his flashback, we see Milsiril trying to spoon-feed young Kabru cake that we know he doesn't like. He doesn't want to eat: he wants to be training.

Then with Mithrun, we see him eating the least-monstery monster food he can get his hands on, for the sake of survival- walking mushroom, barometz, an egg. The barometz is his first chance to make something like an a real meal, and he actually seems excited about it because he wants to replicate a lamb dish his mother used to make him!

...but he doesn't get to enjoy it like he wanted to.

Then, when all the Canaries are eating field rations ... Kabru still isn't shown eating. He's only shown giving food to Mithrun.

And of course the next time he eats is the bavarois, which for his sake is at least plant based ... but he still has to use a coping mechanism to get through it.

I don't think Kabru does this all on purpose. I think Kui does this all on purpose. Kabru's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder should be understood as informing his character just as much as Laios's autism informs his. It's another way that Kabru and Laios act as foils: where Laios takes pleasure in meals and approaches food with the excitement of discovery, Kabru's experiences with eating are tainted by his trauma. Laios indulges; Kabru denies himself. Laios is shown enjoying food, Kabru is shown struggling with it.

And I can very easily imagine a reason why Kabru might have a subconscious aversion towards eating.

Meals are the privilege of the living.

#Dungeon Meshi #Delicious in Dungeon #Kabru #Kabru of Utaya #Laios Touden #Dungeon Meshi meta #you can have him in the tags too. as a treat.#Dungeon Meshi spoilers #this was directly inspired by livelaughlaios's post about Kabru self harming but I decided it got too long to make it a direct reply #this is a theory I've been working on for weeks because I kept noticing this while skimming for screencaps #I'm hesitant to trigger tag this because of the way certain subcultures on tumblr operate #but if anyone needs me to add a content warning please let me know #also I included image descriptions! I did my best #I think they even help illustrate my points but my god were they sad to write. Kabru is so fucking sad you guys #musings with Dea

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gxrewhxr3 · 4 months

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We should bring this back

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littlelillycatsworld · 6 months

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the way my blades are flirting with me has me blushing ngl

#disordered eating thoughts #ed not ed sheeran #ana trigger #tw ana diary #su1c1d3 #self h@rm #tw s3lf harm #s3lf harn #s3lfharmm #baby cvts #i want to cvt #cvtt!ng #sh cvt

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mew-hatesherself · 4 months

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i think my biggest fear is ppl seeing me the way i see myself lol

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ed-recoverry · 6 months

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Credit

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lostinwonderland-13 · 1 year

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"Sometimes I cut myself to see how much it bleeds. Its like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me"

Eminem really hit the nail on the head

#cvtt1ng #self h@rm #tw cvtting #tw s3lf harm #self mutalition #slef harm #self mutilator #baby styro #s3lf harn #s3lfh4rm #s3lfharmm #sh trigger warning #implied s/h #selfharn #sh #sh mention #shelf harm

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hardcoregayanalsegx · 19 days

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"Why would you do that to yourself" I'm trying my best to soothe the pain, trying to cradle it so that maybe just maybe it will stop crying out

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felicitys-thoughts33 · 3 months

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touching my collarbones instead of eating>>>>>

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xxrainbow-gutzxx · 7 months

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Pls like/reblog if ur an active ed/sh blog, I need peeps to follow

(I am a minor so pls dni if u have minorz in ur dni)

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greenieart · 2 months

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I was inspired.

#artemis entreri #legend of drizzt #forgotten realms #drizzt #LOD #self harm #tw sh #sh implied #sh scars #i think thats sufficient trigger tagging but if not lmk i suppose #anyway the neverwinter saga is the best series #everything i ever wanted and more #prepare for a flood of drartemis #FMDMGNDJGNDHDDJ #digital #fanart

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jokine · 5 months

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okay well i got stoned and binged but its ok!!!

eating a lot on one day will NOT stop my progress :))

2024, new, skinnier me !!!

🍃🌸🍃🌸🍃🌸🍃🌸🍃

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f41l1ng-0c34n-cr34tvr3 · 2 months

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I’m going to do it. I’m gonna ask for help from my mom. I forced myself to. I att3pted again tonight and ofc it didn’t work cause I’m still here, but my arm is all cvt to hell (not beans, but mostly light/deep styros ALL over). And I freak out when I get too hot so I’m going to HAVE to have a talk with her soon so she doesn’t freak out when she sees my arm. So I’ve got a rough draft for a letter for her after she gets home from work. It covers everything I’ve been hiding or lying about. It covers my cvtting, my sv1c1d3 att3mpts, the fact that my bullying was also physical, the fact I got s3xually a$sault3d multiple times by multiple people, my trans-ness, my eating disorder, my depression, why I didn’t ask for or get help, the fact I’m not a Christian, everything. And it asks over and over again for help. I want help for it all. I want to get better. And I’m asking for help. I know I’ll probably be forced to stop cvtting and st@rv1ng, but I’m willing to trade that off for genuine help.

Update: I got send to a mental hospital

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sad-empty-lost · 3 months

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I am so ready to die

#personal #life #depressing quotes #tw depression #sad thoughts #tw depressing stuff #sorry for being depressing #depressing life #depressing shit #tw triggers #suicide #suicidal #self harm #death

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mew-hatesherself · 3 months

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#baby cvts #beansblr #cat scratches #cvtaddict #s3lf mutilation #styroblr #i want to cvt #self h@rm #s3lf harn #twsh #tw s3lf harm #ana trigger #tw ana diary #tw ed diet #tw self destruction #tw depressing thoughts #cvtt!ng #sh cvt #ed not sheeren

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drinkin-cherryschnapps · 5 months

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thought id try my hand at these so called “memes”

#tw restrictive ed #tw ana diary #tw ed diet #tw disordered eating #tw sh #self h@rm #$elf harm #$hblr #tw $h #tw restriction #@nor3×14 #@nor3xia #@tw edd #@n0r3xia #@na tips #@na vent #@na trigger #ed memes

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