#thank god my therapist doesn’t have a tumblr

[theridgebeyond]

Jesus @ me when I haven’t had communion in a long time and it’s showing

#one more week! #gah this ELCA church and their once-a-month communion! #we may not have had women pastors in the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod (bc then we would have had to ordain gay people too) #BUT AT LEAST THEY HAD WEEKLY COMMUNION #tmi warning #I’m starting to have some weiiiird thoughts during adoration lately and being asexual I’m not too used to half of them #but I think it boils down to not having communion in forever #thank god I can be weird on tumblr so my therapist doesn’t have to get the full brunt of it #communion #eucharist #lutheran

[sunflowerspeakz]

I hate that i literally am still on bumble because I knew she was still on there and I want to swipe right and see if we could restart everything again 🙄 but at the same time I have a feeling the profile is gone because she finally met someone new and I too should move on

#why do I hurt myself this way 😅 #thank god my therapist doesn’t have my tumblr

[lily-orchard-gossip-blog]

at.tumblr.||com/lily-orchard/toh-fans-were-saying-luzs- || depression-arc-was/n15gs2tejahh (link broken up because tumblr and anon messages)

God the way she and that anon talk about Luz here… zero fucking compassion. “Luz doesn’t learn the lesson she’s clearly supposed to learn!” Bitch yeah she doesn’t. Because she’s a self-loathing fourteen year old girl who is still afraid everyone in her life will hate her.

They both criticize the other members of her cast for “bending over backwards for Luz” because clearly, if your loved one is pushing everyone away because she thinks she should be hated the right response is… to hate her for it? Like i get that you should not be expected to support someone else’s entire mental health, but wow. What the fuck.

It also rubs me the wrong way because of things i have personally experienced. I struggle with my mental health, and Luz’s pushing away everyone and trying to punish herself very much is realistic. I did the same thing, including trying to get out of celebrating my own birthday and considering skipping my prom because I felt like i didn’t deserve to celebrate and have fun. I’ve had a friend do something similar as well.

And i get what she’s getting at. Being shut out really fucking sucks. It makes you feel unwanted in a way that hurts deeply. And you are not obligated to put up with it. But here’s the thing: the others are choosing to combat it and put up with it. Amity tells her directly that she knows it’s hard and scary, but she wants to keep Luz in her life. And it’s not like they’re constantly up her ass trying to be her therapist like the post alludes to - they do their own thing in thanks to them. They are giving her space.

And yes, Luz is in a bad place and not being the perfect little uwu sunshine baby anymore - but that’s normal. It’s normal to not be perfect all the time. It’s normal to help your friend through a though time. It’s okay to be a burden sometimes. Lily is also referring to Luz’s other coping mechanism of “must fix this all by myself” as better than her depression, without recognizing that this is very much how Luz acts here. Yes, she’s not proactive, but in her current situation there isn’t really any way for her to be. She still takes it all upon herself and believes she must make up for it somehow - the thing is, she can’t. Her decision never to return to the demon realm is a desperate attempt to repent somehow, and in her logic even prevent further harm. Lily just refuses to engage with any of that, because having a character go through a realistic arc after experiencing an immensely traumatic event is just edgy torture porn for her.

.

[saintkeaton]

L u n a t i c H e r o 💀

(overstimulated)

we really are just one big organism 

my kids & me & the cats & the trees

there’s very few rules to follow

it only looks like a million paths 



but it’s one big road man 

& there’s no yesterday & there’s no tomorrow 

in the present moment with Alan Watts 

what a lunatic hero 

read a few Kerouac books & now I think I’m a scholar

thank Christ for another lazy Sunday 

I’m nervous & have the typewriter blues 

can you run out of things to say? 

I’m thinking maybe you can’t 

now there’s splinters in my feet 

& I’m looking through the neighbors window 

borderline copyright infringement 

daydreams of a bear in a 10 gallon hat 

my mind goes to goofy places 

looking through old vacation photos 

that early 90s brown filter 

feeling mortal & aged in my skin 

placing sentence over sentence 

in an attempt to clean house 

in an attempt to stay alive 

the cars drive too fast on this road 

nightmare thoughts of Pet Sematary 

I remember every movie I’ve ever seen 

wrote them all down in a list 

you don’t need a rhyme or reason 

freedom is the key component here 

could go on for days in the same fashion

as my mind turns like a wheel 

a broken splintery wheel mind you 

my sons plastic sword lay in the yard 

& 100 cans of cat food 

& the homemade wreath my mother made 

how do you stop thinking about death? 

how do you pretend life is normal? 

there’s nothing here but the ticking clock 

a few game shows to watch 

the beer & weed always run out 

& you’re secretly mad at me

as I dump my thoughts on Tumblr like a therapist 

a blind injection of no love 

maybe this will get a few likes & keep me hanging on 

I’m thinking of a new poem 

called “JESUS IN THE TRASH CAN”

& she promised to make breakfast this morning 

I smell no bacon cooking 

& there’s nothing wrong with how I feel 

I got too stoned______early in the day 

now it’s the motor mind salsa 

& I probably don’t need this hoodie anymore 

& I feel like jerking off 

all the trash is piled up in the spare room 

& the cats ate some raw chicken 

people keep recommending that I read Dostoyevsky 

man, I’m reading the Goosebumps books 

I’m reading the backs of cereal boxes 

my brain has stopped developing 

my brain is set in concrete 

just one big organism really 

time time time time 

glorious feelings

knowing there’s nothing to do today

I crave boredom 

I crave numbness 

so sick of the ultra meta-thinking 

folding the universe into a cube 

don’t be so depressing dude 

there’ll always be forest fires and mud floods & bullshit to watch on TV 

having entertainment is not the problem 

overstimulation to the fucking max 

so I return to my throne of shame

poisoning my soul through my eyes

my heart beating out my chest

my god! I can’t even make it one day

most of what I feel happens on accident

tired of the human race  

tired of the rat race 

but I really shouldn’t be complaining 

there’s breath in my lungs 

(choked out cigarette lungs)

it doesn’t matter what medium I have to use

I’ll get my point across one way or the other 

my own little psychological torment 

alpha beta delta gamma sigma omega 

what hides outside the spectrum for us? 

what curses have we not uncovered? 

I bet your mommy still gives you milk money 

I bet your mommy still tells you “good night”

I bet your mommy still loves your daddy

fuck all the rules that you think are rules 

& lay out the mind dump 

in an orderly fashion of course 

I bet your mommy follows the rules

for most of my life, I didn’t apply myself. the kid sitting in the back of the classroom, trying not to fall asleep. I couldn’t comprehend math, but I could fill a sketchbook up in a couple of days.

I never drink water

I only drink Mountain Dew 



I’m going to write a bunch of poems & bury them under the house 

I’m gonna turn myself into a lunatic hero for nobody 

eyelids keep closing

losing my consciousness 

in full bloom of 10,000 onlookers

& a bathtub full of nickels & dimes

I’m burnt out

I’m landing the plane

still, just one organism sitting here, waiting on breakfast 

10/29/2023 1:29 pm

————————————



#poem #poetry #original poem #original poetry #spilled ink #typewriter #artists on tumblr #poets community #poets cafe #poetscommunity #prose poetry #poem of the day #my poetry #sad poetry #new poets society #poets corner #poets of tumblr #poemsdaily #original poems #poems on tumblr #poemsociety #spilled writing #writers on tumblr #writing #poets and writers #prose writing #writers and poets #writeblr #writerscommunity #my poems

[shepardlives]

*slams buzzer* Abby for all them!!!!

1. Canon I outright reject

That he does not exist and I cannot kiss him

2. A canon or headcanon hill I will die on

Abby is a big ol cat so expect cat behaviors

3. Obscure headcanon

Abby has to resist the urge to groom people constantly. He just loves his friends

4. Favorite line

“Nya :3c”

5. Best personality trait

Abby is very loyal, even if he can be aloof

6. Worst personality trait

Abby is very quick to cut and run because of his past, so it’s a lot of work to gain his trust and make him stick around

7. Age/height/weight headcanon

Abby is around 37, 7 feet even, and around 300 pounds

8. Unpopular opinion about them

The best love interest for Genji don’t @ me

9. Scene that first made me love (or hate) the

character

He popped into my brain because I was tired of Genji/l*cio

10. Best moment on screen (or in the book)

All :)

11. Faceclaim for the role

God I had a face claim but I can’t FIND IT if I find him I’ll edit this

12. Crack headcanon

Abby has a rough tongue like a cat but only Sometimes

13. Dumbest thing they've ever done

Genji

14. Most heroic moment

Abby has worked with overwatch to save a lot of people but he’s very proud of the times he’s saved kids

15. Worst thing they've ever done

He’s killed a lot of his fellow preds, either in the lab or because they couldn’t be saved… it still weighs on him

16. Deepest darkest secret they won't even admit

He doesn’t know that he wanted to be saved. It might have been better if he’d gone crazy and someone put a bullet in him

17. Quotes. sonas. poems. etc. that | associate

“Not a man like you”

18. What they'd go to see a therapist about

Probably the massive amount of mental and physical abuse they went through while being experimented on or the feelings of non-personhood

19. Vices/bad habits

Abby tends to smoke or scratch at his clothing when he’s nervous so he goes through a lot of clothes

20. Scars

Many

21. Drink of choice (not just alcoholic)

Abby likes iced mochas a lot. Usually this is just him adding chocolate milk to his coffee

22. Best physical feature

His muscles :^)

23. If they were a scented candle, what would

they smell like?

Chocolate, firewood, and tiger lilies

24. Most annoying habit

Abby doesn’t exactly keep normal sleeping hours

25. 3 things they'd want to take with them if they

were dropped off in the middle of nowhere

Abby actually struggles with the idea of keeping anything thanks to his upbringing- he’d keep a weapon but that’s about it

26. What they would do if stuck in an elevator

with insert character of your choice from the

same fandom]

If it were Cole, probably play cards. If it were Genji well. Depends on how long they were stuck

27. Their guilty pleasure

Abby loves reality tv. It’s terrible but he can’t stop watching

28. How they feel about insert character of your

choice from the same fandom]

Abby actually feels a lot of pity for reaper. He knows how that much anger and hurt can eat you alive

29. Eating habits

Abby is a fucking trash can and will eat whatever you give him. He’s very polite and won’t ask for seconds but he could very easily eat three plates of food

30. Sleeping habits

Abby sleeps very lightly and at all hours of the day. If he ever goes missing it’s most likely he’s found a quiet spot to take a cat nap

31. If the had a tumblr what would it look like?

Abby is very interested in robotics and other technological advances. He’d have a big STEM themed blog. Also lots of pictures of fish around lunch and dinner time

32. Something guaranteed to make them smile/

laugh

Abby loves terrible jokes: Reyes always got a laugh out of him when they were on missions

33. Something guaranteed to make them cry

Abby is pretty well regulated there so it takes a lot- but talking about his old family does the trick, always

34. How they react when they are feeling X

emotion (sad, angry, excited, scared, etc.-can

specify as many as you like)

Abby is very cautious- he’s big, he’s black, and he’s clearly not all the way human, so his emotions have to be regulated- but when he’s angry he’s furious. He tends to lose himself in it and the results are usually bloody

35. Their idea of a perfect day

Cat nap in the sun, a good workout/wrestle session with whatever tank is around, a hearty lunch, a walk/date with Genji, a good meal for dinner, and then cuddling until Genji falls asleep (zoomies at 3 am)

36. Their favorite season

Abby loves winter

37. What they really think about themselves

Abby thinks… he is an anomaly in a world that doesn’t always take kindly to those. He didn’t deserve what happened to him, but he wants a place in this world.

38. Favorite holiday

Christmas!

39. Favorite game

Abby isn’t much of a gamer but he usually tunes into Hana’s streams to see what’s up. He’d really like stardew valley if he tried it

40. Favorite book

As intelligent as he is Abby isn’t a huge reader. He liked the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe though

41. If they could have lunch with anyone in the

world (living or dead, from any fictional universe

or the real world), who would it be?

His mom

42. 3 comfort items

Sunbeams, hoodies, and a stress ball Zenyatta gave him

43. 3 favorite foods and 3 they despise

Abby is a trash can as mentioned but he doesn’t like cucumber. Salmon is his favorite fish

44. Their happiest memory

Meeting Genji

45. Their favorite celebrity

Hana Song

46. The person they most admire

Genji, for finding peace and acceptance in what he’s been made into

47. Their dream job

Abby would love to be a kindergarten teacher

48. Scariest moment of their life

See: his whole childhood in the lab

49. Favorite toy as a child

There was a desk in his room he played pretend with

50. A memory they've blocked out

Some of the more violent experiments, especially at first. Growing his tiger features (ears, tail, claws) weren’t exactly painless experiments

[nerdynatreads]

 ☆☆YouTube | Tumblr | Instagram | Storygraph ☆☆

book review || The Haunting of Alejandra by V. Castro

video review || ARC Reading Vlog — The Haunting of Alejandra and Yours Truly

~Thanks to Netgalley for providing a digital ARC of The Haunting of Alejandra in exchange for an honest review. ~

Oh, wow, this doesn’t shy away from the heaviness this book is going to be covering as we open our meeting with Alejandra and see how much she’s struggling with everyday tasks. Her depression has become so debilitating that she has a hard time taking care of her children and her shitty husband who guilt trips her for struggling. She’s come to resent her relationship with him and is now beginning to have visions of a woman in white. I deeply want to give this woman a hug and encourage her to get help— which thank god, she does. The therapist she finds is also Mexican American and they connect over the stories of La Llorona and La Catrina, which gave some depth to both pieces of folklore I wasn’t aware of.

Prior to moving for her husband’s job, she’d been trying to reconnect with her birth mother and her culture that she wasn’t able to experience while growing up in the foster care system. I really love that she’s also trying to share the things she’s learned with her oldest daughter, Catrina, and am hopeful to see more of their relationship as Alejandra heals. The showcasing of generational trauma was exquisite. Each of the women in this family line’s perspectives felt similar and yet different enough to keep them distinct. We start with the first woman in the family line to interact with the demon. Her voice is just as somber and bitter but still stands apart from Alejandra’s. In all perspectives, though, La Llorona’s visits are so eerie and unsettling.

The plot itself is character focused as we watch Alejandra’s journey to learn more about her family line, and the troubles that have followed them, and work to heal from her own struggles so that she can save her children from suffering similar fates. I really adored the discussions around motherhood and identity in this story, the way these women took hold of their fates and made what they wanted up them. I felt just as empowered by their stories as Alejandra. The horror we see is in the visceral and gory descriptions of our character’s experiences and are amped up most when we see La Llorona, but I wanted more. There were a few moments that had me making disgusted faces, but nothing particularly memorable about the horror. I did, however, really like the final perspective and how it twisted the usual tale of La Llorona, showcasing her in a more sympathetic light.

My biggest complaint throughout this was the dialogue didn’t really seem authentic or flow naturally. Conversations feel long-winded or just unusual to how someone would speak. I also would have liked a bit more explanation of the demon in the end, it felt unresolved in the end and like a cop-out wrap-up.

4 / 5 stars

#book review #new books #new horror books #the haunting of alejandra #the haunting of alejandra by v castro #horror books #horror book recs #horror book recommendations #bookblr #booklr #book tumblr #booktube #booktuber #book youtube #studyblr #q

[fanfixes]

Going down the Rabbit Hole & Why being a Fan Girl is sorta a Saving Grace

How it all began:

I’ve been on Tumblr for years. It started in high school, about 7 years ago and I’ve opened and deactivated multiple accounts across this period of time. There’s some sorta pattern that flows with my sudden resurgence each phase and a licensed therapist would declare it a coping mechanism - and I’d agree.

But it is what it is, isn’t it - an escape. If I could trace FURTHER back, to when I watched my first movie and “escaped” I probably understand why writing fan-fict, deconstructing characters, spending hours reading about other works of the same lengthened that space to ignore the outside world and its mischiefs.

And funnily enough, Tumblr has always provided this safe space. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook doesn’t cut it for me. The kind of security I receive from this platform is different - I feel heard yet not exposed and I can’t put my finger on it but its just... it’s special. 

It’s a place for creatives, the lonely girls, the hyperactive ones who need to let that energy out onto a page and interact with people who could appreciate their fanaticism. It’s a shared experience, yet also somewhat, incredibly personal.

Coming home:

About a year ago, I lost someone very important to me. This was during a time where there was already so much loss. Grief settled in the air and as I felt my consolations unworthy of attention seeing that everyone had someone they lost, I kept it in, “soldiered through”. My friends checked on me, and they created this list of stuff for me to watch BUT while I sifted through the recommendations, there was a sort of anticipatory anxiety attached to the idea of starting new shows / movies, so I didn’t.

My biggest mistake was pouring myself into my work which felt natural since most of my nights were spent finalising assignments and my days were spent answering my employers. That fragment of curiosity, imagination and fantasy that lived in me dwindle off and can I just say, it was probably one of the dullest times of my life. It was a disappointing time to be alive. 

Work was definitely an excuse, because the first time I tried relaxing, it was chaotic. And I felt awkward trying to be something I wasn’t and allowing myself to be someone I was. 

The Viscount who Loved Me:

It started with Bridgerton, and knowing a little about the show, as I mentioned before in my previous posts, I could somewhat tame that anxiety I had in starting anything new. And GOD did it pay off. 

I loved what they did with Bridgerton. I identified with Kate, I could understand Anthony’s loss and as a struggling artist myself, I got what Benedict was going through. I connected with the show in ways I didn’t think I could. 

There was so much character complexities to drown yourself into and as someone figuring herself out, being able to watch parts of yourself interact with parts of yourself started conversations I wouldn’t have had, if I didn’t first see it. 

That’s sorta how writing fan-fict came about. I couldn’t get Benedict out of my head, so I put him on paper. I devoured the Bridgerton series and well, tweaked the fict to fit my idea of what I’d love to see play out. 

CAST INTERVIEWS & Thank you Luke Thompson:

Cast interviews were somewhat instructive, not just about the characters they played or the dynamic but, being able to just tap into what made the characters their own felt therapeutic. 

Luke Thompson has this interview on the YouTube Channel “An Actor Despairs” and it is my favourite interview of the year. It was inspiring to hear him talk about his journey and that raw dedication to his work renewed my mind on what it was I wanted from my life. How I wanted to build it. How to allow myself to just go with the flow and live.

So it was clear that falling in love with a show came with the territory of falling in love with the actors, especially when they are so passionate about their work. 

That to me, is what differentiates their job from being just entertainment to becoming a vocation. 

You do learn a lot about life and personalities when you are working on these projects. Just diving into An Offer from a Gentlemen for the sake of the fict I wrote, brought me into seasons of understanding Benedict beyond what was written.

Coupled with my deeper dive of Luke Thompson’s process allowed me to get where he was coming from and provided a clearer vision on what Benedict meant to the Bridgerton storyline.

Robert Aramayo nerd-ing out:

Robert Aramayo, is the second actor this year who’s looped me into his vortex. He just fell in love with the legendarium (as he often says) and poured himself into becoming Young Elrond, so much so, that they now feel like two separate individuals. Rob Aramayo disappeared into the world Rings of Power created and as I go through Tolkien’s works now, I can understand why he was so engrossed with it in the first place.

Both these actors made me appreciate acting for more than just the shallow concept I used to have of it - reading lines and conveying those conversations in a convincing enough manner to not look fake. I didn’t appreciate the art enough to get it many years before, but now that I do, it’s such a beautiful form of expression and self-identification.

I can’t help but be engrossed in these new worlds, in my private space and love it for what it makes me feel. I am thankful for all the creations and different forms of entertainment they bring and the heartfelt discussions on the characters which remind us of some people we meet or are. Bridgerton and Rings of Power aren’t the only shows I’ve watched the whole year, I have to add - ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING about this universe of ART, FANTASY & MOVIES/SERIALS are what make people feel alive, are what made me feel alive.

As John Keating said in Dead Poet’s Society:

“WE READ AND WRITE POETRY BECAUSE WE ARE MEMBERS OF THE HUMAN RACE. AND THE HUMAN RACE IS FILLED WITH PASSION. AND MEDICINE, LAW, BUSINESS, ENGINEERING, THESE ARE NOBLE PURSUITS AND NECESSARY TO SUSTAIN LIFE. BUT POETRY, BEAUTY, ROMANCE, LOVE, THESE ARE WHAT WE STAY ALIVE FOR.”

We dive into these worlds of imagination because of its relationship with our minds, these are what gives life a meaning. The mechanics of making money, succeeding in the financial and lucrative sense is monotonous and dry - there’s nothing much to it but stacks of papers and detachable figures. There is nothing more exciting than finding something to be excited about and as the days passed, I realised I wanted to be more in touched with a part of me that I felt needed to be suppressed after surpassing a certain age. That inner child shouldn’t have to vacate the premise simply because I’m 25. After all, I was probably the closest to being my truest self back then than I am today. And I wouldn’t have known it... if not for this saving grace.

#midnight thoughts #late night conversations #bridgerton #rings of power #luke thompson #robert aramayo #rob aramayo #young elrond #benedict bridgerton #dead poets society #john keating #growing up #author's thoughts #fan girls #fangirling #the viscount who loved me #an offer from a gentlemen #anticipatory anxiety #self identification

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

Hi I hope this isn't weird but I saw you answering some asks and I think you're really good at advice <3 I hope you're doing better and I wish all the best for you. I've been confused about my sexuality for a looong time (I'm in my early 30s) and I've never had a relationship with a man or a woman. By God I've tried (with men) lol. But every time I try to date men, I feel disgusted like I don't want them touching me.. but I feel sexual attraction to men in theory, maybe more than women. But I want to be with a woman so badly. I'm just scared I won't be enough sexually with her. I do *not* want to be with a man but I'm worried that the sex won't be good with a woman and I'll be romantically but not sexually attracted. I don't know for sure though. Sorry I know you're not a therapist but sometimes the only place you can say these things is anon asks on Tumblr! I'm speaking to a girl I met on online dating and I like her so much but I do worry that the physical side I won't like it or I won't know what I'm doing.

It’s not weird at all! And I completely get it, sometimes sending an anon can be really helpful to get another person’s perspective or to just vent and know you are being listened to. ☺️💕

Also thank you! I think I’m okay lol. I’ve definitely been considering going into impatient again though. So we’ll see what happens when I talk to my rehabilitation lady 😂

I’m sorry to hear you have had such a hard and confusing time with your sexuality :( That must have been really difficult for you.

But congratulations on meeting a lady on a dating app!! That’s so wonderful!! I really hope things continue to go well for you two.

Now I do have to preface Ive never done the do with a woman before. I’ve done stuff but not ~it~. So I don’t know if I’m what going to say is fully applicable or not.

I think there is this weird expectation placed on lesbians and bisexual women that we will naturally just be amazing at sex and fully know how to please a woman since we too are women. But you can’t be amazing at something you’ve never done!! There has to be a first time for everything. You don’t have to be incredible. Especially since, I’m your situation (I’m assuming, forgive me if I’m wrong) you seem to be more focused on the relationship itself and not like having a one night stand or a casual relationship (which there is nothing wrong with!!) but that means you are more about the emotions and bonding that can come from sex. And I personally don’t think you need to be the most skilled person in the world to achieve that emotional vulnerability and connection. Because it’s about sharing a good time with someone you love. And you know, there are toys and stuff that can always help with that. I think communication is the most important part of it all. If you need a break in the session say so, if you are nervous or confused say so, ask her what she wants. Let go of expectations and just explore each other and enjoy each other’s company. As time goes on you’ll naturally learn what she likes, what you like, what you’re good at. It’s needs to be built alongside your relationship. There isn’t any point in expecting to be amazing at this one facet of the relationship. It all builds together and you’ll get there with her. It’s a joint effort, you can’t possibly know everything until you experience it with her.

Also!! Maybe try and read some steamy f/f novels written by bisexual and lesbian women. It might give you some ideas and help you come to terms with things that can be expected so it’s not like you are jumping in the dark. Or talk about it with her beforehand. It doesn’t all have to be spontaneous. It’s not the be all and end all of your relationship- it’s just a way of communicating love that you need to teach each other 💕 and you can take as long as you need to get that to point. You shouldn’t force yourself to things you aren’t ready for or don’t want to do.

I know it seems scary and daunting but if you are with the right person it should also be fun! I believe in you and I’m sure you’ve got this 💕💕💕💕 best of luck with you and your lady!! I hope it all goes well and I hope you have a lovely day ☺️🌻

#asks #anon #answered #minors dni #I don’t know if I should put this under the thing or not lol #lemon

[disfrutarconleo]

I couldn't log into my old account, so I made this one.

I needed someplace to put all these, when I go to work and get bored so I just freeform write things.

Ok new day, I had some crazy nightmares last night (thanks emdr) and I totally forgot to feed the cat so I gotta run home on my break and feed him. I feel so bad ahhhhh. Hopefully he will be okay until 2. And then gotta change the cat litter for have and clean up her mess. What a goon. I hope she doesn’t always do that. Made some solid weekend plans which feels good. getting some food w meg and then maybe hanging w Oscar? Not sure. I still am hurt about the whole ch situation. And I keep checking to see if they unblocked me. Fuck them it doesn’t matter. But apparently getting mad isn’t letting it go. How do I do that? god the nightmares were so annoying last night I feel like I barely got any sleep. Im hungry, I need a little snack. I didn’t do a very good job shopping but hey at least I got some food. im ready for my weekend and I want to go home already gahhhh. I also get a little bummed out no one really texts me but also im starting to get to a place where I don’t want to hear from anyone, especially if its someone that is just randomly hitting me up aka they’re not someone consistently texting me. 

Omg yay I actually got off for Nola. I gotta get my wheels aligned and my oil changed but that should be it. Tomorrow Ill get my tires fixed and get my meds, Sunday will be a day of chill (literally) I feel a spike in my blood sugar which gives me energy and I get a lil hyper but its 12 I have 2 more hours until I can go home

Sometimes I start thinking about what I would have done differently in my other relationships. How I would have acted or what I wpuold have Done as acts of service to like, ward off them leaving me. But this feels like intellectualizing my relatinships. Which im trying to get away from. Can I just accept that they didn’t work out, regardless of who was at fault? Not really because then I just blame myself and get into a bit of a spiral. I’m trying to shut people out, or just remove them from my brain as much as possible. I don’t wanna think about meme or ch or k or a or anyone really. I feel like it’s my responsibility to push those people out push the memories down. So I can forget. I miss them all, in some ways. maybe I miss the person I was when I was in a relationship. The kindness, the love. Something. I want to find that person again, without having to see it in someone else. I want it to just be me me alone. Whoops I got Too Real and started crying. Man. I am such a cryer. When is that gonna change? Probably never. Ive had ex gfs tell me that they love how soft I am, how much I can cry. Do I need to just be with people that can cry too? People with oceans inside them, with rivers and lakes. My cancer moon tends to take over. I can’t help it. Love me love me don’t fucking leave me but honestly do leave if that’s what makes you happy I want you to be happy (with me please)/ my therapist asked me who would I be if wasn’t trying to always please other people and the truth is I don’t have a clue. Maybe the person I was when iw as a kid, climbing trees and running barefoot down the sidewalk. When did I change? How did I change? Maybe it’s something that happened as I grew older…more burdened with society, who knows? i think I want to be in a relationship but really I don’t want to, im scared of messing up and sliding further into sadness and depression. I just type and type and hope I can be okay, I need a freaking blog or something. Maybe I should start posting on Tumblr again? Lmao. What a trip let me see if it’s still up. Mani totally forgot my old spam email password so im going to have to start a new one/ that’s okay with me

WELL HERE WE ARE

got lunch in about half an hour, so I can tcob. I think people will find me (stupid instagram) but maybe I'll just change this before that can happen.. I'm so fucking hungry and I need to get better about packing breakfast. or snacks at the very least. when I went to the grocery store yesterday I sure got some shitty food. but at least im eating again. but I might need to chill on the food, just because I know im gaining weight again. there was a minute there where I was doing well, but I'm back to not doing so hot. mentally also I need to get back to taking my meds regularly.

whoops I just found out that there's some queer Memphis bullshit happening at cameo . I wish I could go sometimes but also....that's probably not a great fucking idea. I don't even like it there. and im not really a lesbian I think. kinda exist outside of there. man. depression sets in so quickly . almost time for lunch. im hungry, I bet knight is hungry ahh im sorry I feel bad, there's likeONE thing I had to do this morning and I totally forgot. also what the heck I don't want to wake up to texts at 6am from my father. that's like prime sleeping time. gonna start putting my phone on DND. I used to have it where ch was the only person that could get through my dnd. and maybe it's still like that? not sure, since I don't have their number saved anymore. god...what a sad time. idk. I just feel ...you know? its hard to say is all. I think I'm done here for now. can you still edit these? I guess I can always double or triple post. who cares?

ok, guess I can edit. I started crying again on the way home. I'm feeling like I wanna be around friends just so I won't get too sad. I guess im just really...thinking about the ch situation. I get sad thinking about what it looks like when I see them again, or if I never see them again. I know im spiraling! gotta just tell my brain to shut off when this starts to happen. I want a reason for why im feeling the way I do. what's wrong with me?

sometimes I wanna unalive still. its def not as intense as it used to be...but I do consider it. not planning or anything. just still get hit with overwhelming emotions and it feels exhausting.

[queen-amiqui]

screaming into the void of the internet feels a lot better then therapy

#please still go to therapy it’s good for you #mental health awareness #memesdaily #memes #thank god my therapist doesn’t have a tumblr

[shemarmooresfedora]

Sugary Sweet Apologies

Summary: You and Reid never really got along but when he saves your life, you decide to be the bigger person and thank him and hopefully start over. Unfortunately, it isn’t that easy.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Content/Warnings: light to mild angst with fluffy ending, swearing, spencer reid being an annoying bitch, brief mentions of case stuff (if you watch cm, you should be fine)

A/N: this is for @willowrose99 ‘s 1 year anniversary on tumblr writing challenge!! congrats! i literally wrote and edited this whole thing in less than one day because i got so excited, anyways i hope you enjoy!

Word Count: 1.8k

“Reid and Y/L/N, go to David Whitney’s house. He was the therapist of two of the three victims. He could have some insight into the victimology and know of any overlap between them. He has no criminal record of past aggressive behavior but we can’t rule him out as a suspect entirely,” Hotch stated.

“Hotch, you stuck me with her yesterday for the geographical profiling. Send Prentiss with her instead,” Spencer whined.

“I don’t mind going with Y/L/N. She is a great partner in the field,” Emily glared at Spencer.

“No. Reid, go with Y/L/N or be taken off this case. I’m a unit chief, not an elementary school teacher. I don’t have time for temper tantrums,” Hotch chided.

“Fine,” Spencer grumbled as you grabbed the keys to an SUV.

You don’t know what it was but ever since you started at the BAU four months ago, Spencer had never liked you which resulted in you disliking him as well. Everyone else on the team was super friendly and welcoming but Reid always was jabbing snarky remarks your way like “I don’t have time to explain it to you” or “This was in the FBI handbook. God, you need more training.”

Luckily, the others were quick to defend you. Once Garcia even heard him snip at you over the phone and as soon as you all got off the elevator after the case, Reid was being dragged by his ear into Garcia’s lair with him going “ow ow ow” behind her. So, you didn’t really pay much mind to him because you could deal with one annoying know-it-all to have such an amazing job with great coworkers minus the one.

“Look, I’m not happy about this either,” you said as you climbed into the driver’s side of the SUV, “But at least I’m not being a whiny bitch about it and being rude to the other person’s face.”

“Oh wow, I’m so sorry that I hurt your feelings,” Spencer mocked.

“Fuck you, Reid,” you shook your head.

-

David Whitney was on edge the second you arrived and showed him your badges. He was bouncing his leg up and down, he couldn’t sit still, and he kept avoiding eye contact.

He knew way too much about the other victim that wasn’t even one of his clients but you didn’t have anything solid on him. His house seemed very neat so you doubted he kept anything incriminating here. Organized offenders usually have a secondary location. So, you decided to push his buttons a little.

“I mean blitz attacks, leaving the bodies on the side of dirt roads,” you combed through the crime scene photos, “This guy was a real coward.”

Spencer picked up on what you were trying to do and his eyes widened, he was subtly shaking his head and mouthing “no”.

“Excuse me?” David asked.

“Well, I’m just saying a real man wouldn’t cower in the bushes and blindside a woman. He must not be very strong,” you stated, “He probably can’t even get it up.”

Before you even had time to react, David pulled out a switchblade knife from inside the couch cushions and put you in a chokehold, pressing the cool metal up to your throat. You closed your eyes tightly.

“David, you don’t have to do this,” Spencer stood with his gun pointed at you both.

“This bitch insulted me,” he snarled.

“She insults me too. That doesn’t make you any less of a man,” Spencer spoke carefully, “Just put the knife down and I’ll escort you out.”

David sighed, dropping the knife to the floor and releasing you.

Spencer put David in handcuffs and walked him outside as reinforcements came running in.

“Are you okay, Y/L/N?” Hotch asked.

“Yep, a little shaken up but fine. Thank you,” you stood.

“Let’s get you to the medics,” Morgan grabbed your arm to support you as you walked over to the ambulance.

Spencer never checked on you.

-

You knew your decision in the field was a little rash and you wanted to thank Spencer for essentially saving your life.

However, there was no way in hell you could verbally get out an apology while staring at his smug face, but you could bake. You settled on a note tucked inside a tupperware container of your Grandma’s special recipe of chocolate chip cookies. It was a good peace offering, maybe even a chance to start fresh.

During your lunch break, you took the tupperware from your desk drawer and approached the break room where Reid had entered about 5 minutes ago.

“I’m just saying I could not have been more clear in my message to her that it was too dangerous but of course, Y/L/N didn’t listen cause Y/L/N is going to do whatever she feels like,” Spencer stirred his coffee.

No one had noticed you standing in the doorway yet.

“Reid, you’ve got to be nicer to her. She earned her spot here just like the rest of us,” Emily defended you.

“Did she though? How much do we really know about her? She couldn’t even tell me how many pages the FBI protocol manual was,” Spencer said.

“That’s not a normal thing people know,” Morgan retorted.

“Well, I’m just saying the team was perfectly fine before her and it would probably be better off if she left,” Reid finished.

Garcia looked up from her yogurt to see you standing there, “Oh, Y/N”.

Spencer turned around in his chair as you angrily stormed up to him.

“Here’s your cookies, asshole,” you seethed, grabbing the note from inside and crumpling it up into a little ball and tossing it into the trash.

“Y/N!” Emily called after you but you were already gone.

The whole team glared at Spencer and picked up their lunches, leaving him alone at the table.

Spencer retrieved the balled up paper from the trash, having to fish through Rossi’s week old pasta and Anderson’s half eaten tuna fish sandwich.

Dear Reid,

Thank you for saving my life, I guess. These are my Grandma’s secret recipe for chocolate chip cookies so I hope you enjoy. I think we got off on the wrong foot and I would like to start over. I think cases would be a lot less miserable for everyone if we got along.

Thanks again,

Y/L/N

Spencer, you’re such an idiot, he thought to himself.

You never came back after your lunch break ended and Derek made Spencer go tell Hotch why it’s his fault you were missing the rest of the day.

He tried to call you multiple times but they always rang out before going to voicemail.

Spencer hesitantly knocked on Penelope’s door at the end of the day.

“Is she okay?” he asked softly.

“You don’t get to ask that as the person who hurt her in the first place. Also, she told me to tell you that don’t you dare go to her apartment to ‘check on her’. I’m headed over there myself actually,” Penelope collected her things and shut off her monitors.

“Will you at least tell her I’m really sorry?” Spencer followed her to the elevator.

“Absolutely not. I’m not doing any apologizing on your behalf,” Penelope huffed as the elevators shut.

-

You came in the next morning, keeping your head down. You grabbed a pen from your cup holder and the first folder on your stack before getting to work.

You were on the second page of the file when your clean, empty tupperware was placed in front of you plus another baking dish with aluminum foil over the top.

You glanced up to see Spencer guiltily looking down at you and you returned your eyes back to the file.

“I-I made you cinnamon rolls,” Spencer broke the silence.

“Are they poisoned?” you asked, not sparing him another glance.

“No, they’re not poisoned,” he assured you.

“I’m just saying how can I trust you as you have made it very apparent you would like me off this team.”

“I didn’t mean that,” Spencer was quick to reply.

“Then why the hell did you say it, Reid?” you slammed your pen down.

You grabbed your empty coffee mug and briskly walked to the break room but unfortunately, Spencer was right behind you.

“I didn’t eat any of your cookies by the way. Not that I didn’t want to but I felt like I didn’t deserve them so I handed them out to everyone else.”

“Oh how kind, taking credit for my work,” you tried to close the door in his face.

“I told them that they were from you,” Spencer insisted.

You rolled your eyes as Spencer grabbed the coffee pot before you could get to it, pouring your mug of coffee for you.

“What do you want from me, Reid?” you asked defeatedly.

“I want you to try a cinnamon roll and let me explain.”

“Fine but only because I didn’t have breakfast yet and I want to critique your baking skills,” you huffed, walking back to your desk.

Spencer gingerly placed one of the sticky frosting-coated rolls on a napkin and pushed it towards you. You tentatively bit into it. Damn it, it was actually delicious.

“It’s okay,” you understated.

You knew Spencer hardly ever used his kitchen let alone be up baking all night. He even chose a recipe that required more time and effort because the yeast dough would have to rise for a few hours.

“That’s good. The first batch didn’t come out as great...or the second,” he smiled softly.

“Well, the floor is all yours, Reid. Please explain to me why you talk shit about me to my co-workers when I’m in the other room,” you leaned back in your chair and crossed your arms.

Spencer muttered something incoherent.

“I have to hear the apology, you know,” you said, enjoying watching him uncomfortable.

“You’re intimidating to me because you’re intelligent, beautiful, and courageous. I think I was a little jealous that my spotlight as the ‘kid’ of the BAU was coming to an end so I said some harsh, completely untrue things and I’m sincerely sorry.”

“Oh my god,” you smirked, “Hotch was right, you are an elementary school kid.”

“In what way?” he curiously asked.

“You like me like like like me. You don’t know how to talk to the girl so you pull her pigtails on the playground,” you giggled.

“I take it back. You’re a horrible profiler,” Spencer was getting up from his seat, completely flustered.

“Awww,” you were laughing at Spencer’s bright red face as he went to go to the break room to fill his coffee mug.

When he got back to his desk, a sticky note was placed front and center.

In typical elementary school fashion…

Will you go get coffee with me?

Check:

Yes

or

No

Spencer smiled before picking up his pen and checking one of the boxes, crumpling the sticky note up into a ball and throwing it over to your desk.

“Good choice. See you Saturday at 9 at the cafe down the street,” you grinned.

“It’s a date,” he smiled.

#willsannievent #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid angst #spencer reid fluff #spencer x reader #reid x reader #spencer reid #cm fanfic #criminal minds

[butchratchettruther]

I told my friend about mtmte and this is what she picked up from it:

Brainstorm is her favourite. She said he seems like the most sensible one, at which point I burst out laughing.

She explained that she meant that everyone else is off being incredibly “hrrduduh” whereas he’s just like “can I have my boyfriend back please”

“Is there a single straight character in this series?” “No”

I told her about Drift and she proceeded to mock him. “I’m sowwy. I didn’t meanw to commit all of those muwwders. Pwease forgive me.” (I’m so sorry Drift)

“Okay, so with Cyclonus and Tailgate, Cyclonus hated Tailgate at first, and Tailgate liked him.” “Enemies to lovers?” “Yep, kinda.” “Niiice.”

She hates Rodimus because of his name. She does think that Getaway Prime sounds stupider though. Apparently it sounds like a travel agency run by amazon.

On a similar note, she also found Rodimus’ djd funeral video very funny. He really just went “I want that twink obliterated.”

Her: Is Whirl your favourite because he’s the least problematic?

Me:

“Okay, so you know those Russian dolls? Where like you’ve got like, a big doll and inside it is a smaller doll and inside that is an even smaller doll?” “Yeah?” “That’s Ultra Magnus.”

She also thinks that Minimus’ name is stupid.

I showed her a picture of Brainstorm without his mask and she muttered something under her breath and told me he should keep the mask on.

“Okay, so then like. Getaway goes to the brig, and he grabs these two dudes from in there. One’s called Sunder, and he’s like a serial killer and also a mnemosurgeon and also addicted to it, but he doesn’t mind. And the other one is this really shitty therapist called Froid-” “Wait, Freud? Like Sigmund Freud?” “Yeah, he’s named after Freud.” “Always glad to see some Freud slander.”

Things of Brainstorm’s that she found funny: Being the worst double agent ever by repackaging information they already know and acting like it’s new information. Hanging from the ceiling because he can. Keeping a time machine in a briefcase. Building a meta gun that made Swerve realise he was in a comic book.

Me: And so then Atomizer was all like ‘Getaway, has anyone ever told you you’re an asshole? Also I’m kind of having moral trouble with all of this.’

Her: Getaway was just like, ’Yknow, if you’re having trouble with that, we have an excellent therapist on the ship! Completely neutral, no ulterior motive, he’s a great guy.’

“The therapist has an entry on the tumblr sexy man Wikipedia.” “…I could’ve gone my whole life without knowing that.”

She also found Skids’ name incredibly funny, at which point I started telling her about how when he first woke up, he thought his name was Scum, only before I finished the joke I was reminded of how Skids’ last words were “I’m scum, I’m scum,” and suddenly it was a lot less funny.

She thinks these robots all need a lot of therapy.

She thinks that Cygate need a lot more communication. I told her that she was very right.

“And so then Getaway chucks all of the Friends with Megatron and also Whirl club into the Rodpod-” “The what?” “Oh, it’s a spaceship that Rodimus has that looks like his face.” “…I hate Rodimus.”

I strongly disagree with that last point.

“Wait, so how does cutting Ambulon in half proove that Pharma is a better surgeon than Ratchet? Because surely Pharma wouldn’t be able to help Ambulon either.” “…I don’t know.”

“Are the authors of this like, okay?? Mentally???”

“Wait, yknow the therapist that has an entry on the tumblr sexyman Wikipedia? Is that Rung or Froid?” “Rung.” “Thank God.”

Her: The creators of the show when they started writing it: Robots aliens can go into cars. The creators of the show when they started writing this: the robots are addicted to drugs-

#Transformers #Brainstorm #Whirl #Rodimus #Cyclonus #Tailgate #Rung #Froid #maccadams #tf #mtmte #Pharma #Ambulon #Getaway #Megatron #Ultra Magnus #Minimus Ambus #Atomizer #tf idw #unfortunately this has not made her want to read transformers #She says that she thinks it’s a lot funnier listening to me trying to explain it

[hjeojeo]

I was reading some of my old personal journal-esque rambles i’ve written in past and now i feel like

yeah i’ll pick that up again >:)

but god yeah i dont really remember where i last left off so i wont try to pick up where i left off, I’ll just try to like i guess

put a starting point, starting with this one so that i know what i’m just adding onto as i write more journal posts in future

I’m really glad to be using tumblr again cause

wow so many significant changes in my life and growth happened here

first of all I got together with jude cause of tumblr, uhhh...almost 9 years ago!

i went through 2 additional polyam relationships on tumblr

(2015 - 2017 with manie 2020-2022 with beth/venti)

i ran away from my abusive family while on tumblr ...that was probably the biggest one

(it was in 2014)

i learned more about my gender identity and sexuality while on tumblr

OH!!

that’s a big one to talk more about

so i’m planning on making some big steps towards transitioning this year

i first wanna take care of a upcoming surgery for our cat, and then have more brain space to tackle the entire transitioning process like find a gender therapist first to be able to get on hrt

but yeah I”m really looking forward to it and trying to not get too impatient with myself : )

i think a lot of my old journal posts were centered around my mental health and the understandings and growth i would go through

so i think a really important one from recent (by recent i mean either anywhere from few months back to a year ago..my sense of time is p bad) is finally understanding how saving face doesn’t truly protect me. growing up i was heavily conditioned to always save face as if that’s what would protect me as an immigrant, a poc, and as an afab ueer/trans person.

but thanks to long talks with jude, i was able to just like...kinda look at how my life had been and reailzed. it never protected me. it just kinda had hurt me more to have so many layers of not trusting people. but more importantly not trusting myself. cause saving face for me was out of not trusting myself to put my foot down, to say no, to enforce my boundaries, instead i’d manipulate and lie out of uncomfortable situations and feared confrontation the most.

so being able to grow out of that bit by bit has done wonders to my mental health. being able to trust yerself really is just priority when it comes to mental health, imo.

ah lets see

another thing that’s been amazing is

i found out that i have adhd, and iw as able to get on adderall june 2021, and my gosh. my life really turned upside down. being able to be on top of my work made room for more personal enrichment and passions and.

i am so grateful to jude’s and my primary-care-physician for it. rest in peace, clarke, words cant describe what you did for me.

oof okay before i tear up about that.

i’ll wrap up this really like disjointed rambles with one last thing,

nowadays i spend a lot of my time watching my friends stream while i work, or streaming myself, and also part of a new ttrpg campaign and i’ve been so invested in that ; __;

there is so many wonderful stuff being built up in jude’s and my life and i couldn’t be more thankful.

and maybe in future too i might ramble about another wonderful update ;O regarding another polyamorous relationship i approached a long time friend about haha, but i wanna make sure she has the space and privacy to not feel rushed so, im gonna be very reserved about talking about that for now <3

WAIT NO ONE LAST LAST UPDATE

JUDE AND I WATCHED “EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE”

AND WHOOOOOOO god we loved it so much.

definitely my favorite movie of all time now...

i am itching to go watch it again...and when it coems out on bluray cannot wait to get that too...; __ ;

#personal #hjrambles #journal

[lost-in-sokovia]

a little life update

tw: mentions of suicide, depression, and anxiety

so, remember when i was like “i’m active again on tumblr because my mental health has gone to shit!”? yeah well, it quite literally went to shit and it’s worse than i thought.

i’ve been feeling/experiencing symptoms of depression since around mid december, and to save everyone the details of the past few months (aside from all the suicidal/depression symptoms) i’ve been diagnosed with depression. now that sucks all on its own, but it really sucks because i’ve had severe anxiety since i was like, 12. i’ve been feeling so depressed and suicidal lately and i saw a psychologist (a different one from my normal therapist which was really scary and sad for me but luckily she was nice) and after questioning me a little bit, she said i have “mild depression.” i’m not at risk of hospitalization just yet because i’m not like, an immediate threat to myself or anything, which is good. however, this new depression is currently kicking my ass and i swear to god i’m getting worse everyday - which leads me to this post.

i’ve been a dancer all my life and i’m so passionate about it, i’ve been writing stories ever since i could spell my name and i love creating worlds for us to escape to, i’ve always loved to bake and try fun recipes, and i adore fashion and dressing myself up and feeling like i’m rich and fancy… all of this no longer is like, easy for me to do, and i’m scared to death. like this is insane; i have no motivation to do anything anymore, my grades in school are slipping because i’ve shifted focus to myself because i’m more important than a goddamn grade, and the things i love just aren’t the same anymore. so, all this to say i am not writing as much on here as i wished to and for that i am so sorry. i feel like such a failure and like, a pathetic author/content creator. i absolutely have a love and passion for writing and expanding on the characters we love, and placing ourselves into scenarios with those characters is something i find so incredible because it gives us a chance to imagine and escape to a better reality. i wish i was just popping out more fics, but i can’t even maintain my own happiness and motivation.

this does not mean i’m not going to be active on here. i am on here everyday because i love interacting with my mutuals, plus i’m always looking for opportunities to meet new people :) i will always be active, but my ambition and imagination for writing is pretty flat. that doesn’t mean that i’m not trying to finish the drafts i have, when the mood strikes i’m always able to get a few paragraphs in and hopefully i can still crank out some content. i want to try and keep myself from slipping completely into this spiral as best i can, so maybe i’ll still publish some headcanons every so often because those are fun and easy.

i am so sorry to anyone i’m disappointing (because trust me, i’m upset at myself too), but i’m so confused and scared right now. i feel like this is a safe space where i can be honest, so i thought i’d let you all know what’s currently happening in my life.

worst case scenario i get hospitalized and or go on a grippy sock vacation (mental health facility), hopefully i would post about it prior but you can always reach out to my sister @creme-bruhlee because i update them about everything.

thanks for your understanding,

🤍soph

#btw soph

[honeymoonjin]

ᴘᴀɪʀɪɴɢ: ot7 x reader || ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ: 8.2k || ɢᴇɴʀᴇ: smut - rated 18+

<- prev || masterlist || next ->

ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢs: fxf smut, oral (f receiving), fingering, technically a mff threesome

dedicated to my sfhs girls, everyone in the villa discord, and with a special appearance from eight special guests

A/N: due to burnout, i’m unfortunately putting tgm on hold and logging off of tumblr for a little while, so there will be a bit of a wait before you get the new chapter. i’m going to log back on after 48 hours when the vote is done, because i’m considering putting the results behind a ‘read more’ option so that if you don’t want to wait, you can choose to reveal who is being voted out, otherwise you have the freedom to wait for the chapter. i have a post coming out explaining why i’m going on hold and what that means. please keep an eye out for it xx

ELIMINATION

The vote has closed.

DAY TWENTY-ONE

Your ass is still still a little sore the next morning, and having Hoseok smirk at you every time you shifted is a special kind of torture in and of itself. Waiting for everyone to gather, you’re one moment away from begging Taehyung for a massage right then and there before Sejin finally enters, rapping awkwardly on the doorframe as he steps in.

Skipping the pleasantries, he hunkers down on the coffee table in the middle of the couches, gesturing for you to join.

You swallow, aware of the attention on you. “Can I just stay on the couch?” You stubbornly avoid Hoseok’s gaze, leaning further back into the cushions, Taehyung’s arm wrapped around you as you tuck your head against his shoulder. Maybe you’d ask for that massage later, you reason, massages are platonic, right?

“Sure,” Sejin allows after a moment, eyes softening in sympathy. You flush at the unspoken reminder that he definitely saw the footage, but the producer powers on. “Let’s get started, then, we have quite the day ahead of us.”

Your phone burns a hole in your pocket. You’d been chatting earlier this morning over text with your friend, who was already on a train on his way here. You wonder how the boys will react to Eric. Part of you had worried, but you’ve yet to meet a single person that didn’t like him. It would be good to finally catch up.

The other guys don’t seem suspicious about the news, but before you can dwell on it, Sejin is clearing his throat and lowering his voice into the announcer-like tone he used for the meetings. “This week’s theme was Work Hard, Play Hard. According to the Bangasm Bomb, Week Two’s fan favourite Yoongi was allowed to distribute them. Instead of asking Y/n to guess, I want the players to each say whether they were happy with Yoongi’s choice or not. Starting on the right with you: Jin.”

Perhaps due to their splitting up yesterday morning - you hope their conversation went well in the end - Jin and Yoongi are on opposite couches, and Jin is a little subdued when he speaks to Yoongi. Not necessarily sad, just calmer than normal, like they were old friends. “So, Yoongichi gave me foodplay. As much as I appreciated getting the prompt, and I had a wonderful time with Y/n, never fucking again will I use something so messy. I swear to god, there’s still caramel in my hair, and I don’t think it’ll ever come out.”

You wince at the description, jostled slightly by Taehyung’s laughter rocking his body. Sejin confirms that he’d successfully fulfilled his prompt, and moves along to Namjoon, who looks about as red as a fire hydrant.

“Mine was ageplay,” Namjoon explains, voice dipping so quiet that you can barely hear him, before he clears his throat and glances up again. “I enjoyed it a lot, if I’m being honest. Um- thank you, Yoongi. I’m a little concerned that you knew to give it to me, though.”

“Come on,” Jin jibes, punching his shoulder lightly, “you’re absolute Daddy material. When it doesn’t look like you crawled out of someone’s pocket, at least.”

Namjoon frowns down at himself, the denim overalls rolled up at the ankles, mismatched socks and a t-shirt with a little embroidered sun on it. “Was that a compliment?”

Jin sends him a solemn, meaningful look. “It’s whatever you need it to be.”

“Anyways,” Sejiin jumps in, “congratulations, Namjoon, you’ve avoided the bunks again. Following on, we have Jimin. Go ahead.”

With legs that look a mile long in some skinny black jeans, Jimin winks across the room to Yoongi. “I got breathplay,” he explains, “which I’ll admit isn’t my favourite prompt out of them all, but I still had a really good time. Though I did try and go a little easy just in case.”

Your eyes widen, remembering ringed fingers around your throat and his cold smirk which contrasted with the heat of him inside you. “That was going easy?”

Jimin shrugs. “I’ve barely scratched the surface, Y/n,” he states vaguely and sits back, tilting his head to Sejin to indicate he’s finished.

The producer quickly informs him he was successful, and moves onwards. On your couch, the only active player is Hoseok, who sits on the opposite side to Taehyung. He sends you a mischievous grin before leaning out to face Yoongi. “Wax play for me,” he reveals to the group, “which was an absolute delight. I’m very glad I got this one, just for safety reasons. It sounds like some of the prompts this week were a little more intense.”

He sits back, but Sejin doesn’t move on this time. “Hoseok, unfortunately you failed your prompt this week.”

Hoseok blinks, brows lifting. “But there are cameras in that bathroom! I checked.”

“That’s not the issue,” Sejin explains with a sympathetic smile, “it’s that you directly revealed to Y/n what your prompt was. Now-” he begins, seeing Hoseok’s clear disappointment, “I had a talk with some of the editing and producing teams on this, as well as the higher-ups. Because we understand and appreciate that you revealed the prompt for reasons related to safety and wellbeing, we’re going to change things up a bit. You have a choice. Either you take the penalty and stay in the bunkrooms, or you stay in your own room. The caveat is that you randomly have to draw a name, and that person will join you.”

Hoseok winces. “God, this feels like a variety show,” he complains, “but I’ll risk it and take my bedroom. At least I’ll be comfy, and I’m fine sharing a bed with most of you anyway.”

Sejin’s already prepared, nodding and retrieving seven strips of paper from his pocket, all folded in two. The rest of you hold your breath as Hoseok’s hand hovers over the splayed-out options, finally tugging one out from the bottom. He takes it, flicks it open, and immediately deflates with a frustrated groan.

“This is fucking rigged,” he protests, ripping the paper into two, “I pick the bunkrooms.”

Sejin patiently holds his hand out for the torn shreds, reading them over. Is that a smile on his lips? “Jung Hoseok, you’ll be staying in the comfort of your bedroom with fellow contestant Park Jimin until the date of the next Sunday meeting.”

“Hey!” Jimin shrieks. “I did my prompt! Do I get no say in this?!”

“You don’t, unfortunately,” Sejin replies promptly. “Next up is Jungkook.”

Jimin squawks, collapsing back onto the couch with his arms tightly folded and his mouth screwed up into a scowl. Across from him sits Jungkook, clinging to Yoongi. With his legs tucked under him and his sleeves balled in his hands, the youngest gentleman is reminiscent of his subbier side when you played with him. “I got anal play,” he declares proudly, “I can’t believe it took me three weeks to get pegged. Shoutout to homeboy for sending that prompt my way.” He punctuates the comment by gently bumping his head against Yoongi’s shoulder, like a cat on its owner’s leg. Rather than sitting up, he stays there.

Yoongi doesn’t seem to mind, finishing off before Sejin can even step in. “I was cumplay,” he states plainly, “so of course, I took that. Who needs to fuck around with wax and food and shit when you can stick to the basics?”

The producer nods formally, tapping his shoe against the carpet. “And the two of you both successfully completed your prompts, congratulations. That means nobody will be staying in the bunkrooms this week. Taehyung,” he turns and fixes the boy with a warm stare, “you’re welcome to go back to your room for the rest of the competition.”

Taehyung beams, a boxy grin and crescent eyes. “Noted, sir,” he says with a chirp. “Do we get to find out fan favourite now? I know who I’m rooting for.” Taehyung sends Jimin a shy smile, and the older boy winks at him fondly.

“Yes, of course,” Sejin allows, clearing his throat. “As usual, we tallied up the results from the voting page on our website. I’ll say the top three. Third place this week was Jungkook. Congratulations.”

The youngest man sits upright suddenly with a wide-eyed look. “Seriously? I didn’t even dom! Oh, wow, uh-” he cuts himself off and looks around, finally fixing his sights on one of the cameras near the roof that are streaming to the fans. He pumps his fists with a little cheer, then folds them together and bows. “Thank you! I’ll do even better next week.”

Yoongi’s cheeks go pink as he tries to act like he isn’t cooing over the boy, reaching out to ruffle his ever-growing hair. “Good job, kid,” he compliments shortly.

“Second place,” Sejin continues, “Seokjin.”

It seems as if the therapist hadn’t seen it coming at all. A picture-perfect expression of shock blooms on his face before he lets out a bright peal of laughter, clapping his hands together with a single smack. “I did it! Ah, I knew I still had it in me. Old age won’t stop me yet, see. Everyone should learn from this.”

You shake your head with bemusement, lifting your brows at him. “Silver medal and it’s already going to your head, huh? The fans have created a monster.”

“The fans have seen the light,” Jin corrects placidly, before a line forms between his brows. “Wait. Who got first, then? Who outdid me plus caramel sauce?”

“In first place, and winning the chance to spend an evening outside the Villa with Y/n,” Sejin starts, before pausing for dramatic effect, “is Hoseok. You’re having quite the emotional rollercoaster this morning, Mr. Jung.”

Instead of a hooting cheer, a smug grin, or even disbelief, perhaps the one thing you didn’t see coming was Hoseok blinking quickly, before pressing the back of his hand to his nose. You don’t have to be watching a 1080p close-up to see his eyes misting.

Taehyung immediately croons, throwing his arms around the dom in a tight hug, wiggling in place as Hoseok laughs tearily. “I’m so proud,” you hear Taehyung say, muffled in Hoseok’s shirt.

“I- Goodness, I’m sorry- I really just wasn’t expecting that,” Hoseok admits, tilting his chin up to stare into the ceiling light. “That means a lot. Phew, wow, the audience are some kinky fuckers,” he finishes, relieved when the strange atmosphere splits into easy laughter.

Heart warm, you reach over and squeeze his arm. “I’m really happy for you, Hobi,” you say in a soft voice. “You deserve it.”

“Where will you take her tonight, hyung?” Jungkook chimes, teeth poking out of a teasing grin. “Is it ‘take your fuckbuddy to work’ day at the Red Room by any chance?” His comment rouses whoops and whistles around the room, Taehyung giggling and pinching the dom’s cheek.

“Ah, about that,” Sejin jumps in quickly, a hand held out to settle the noise, “the reward won’t be scheduled for tonight, unfortunately. We’re going to put it on Monday night, since today - as I’m sure you all know - we have some special guests.”

Your brows lift. Guests, plural? Maybe you weren’t the only one who was asked to contact a friend. Your heart skips a little faster at the prospect of being exposed to close friends from the boys’ real lives. What if they didn’t like you? Would it even matter?

Sejin isn’t done, standing up from the coffee table to give the announcement on foot. “A few days ago, you all received text messages from me with some instructions to find a close friend, colleague, or family member to join you on the show. This was up to your discretion, as long as they agreed to a quick police check, however there was one condition. Y/n; you were asked specifically for a male friend. The guys were asked to bring a female friend.”

You suck in a gasp. After three weeks being surrounded exclusively by dudes, you’d suddenly have seven new ladies to talk to. “Just for the day, right?” you question, knowing the plans you’d had to make with Eric.

Sejin’s lips quirk up. “For most of the guests, yes. However, for one lucky lady, they’ll have the opportunity to stay for a full week. At any point today, Y/n, you can draw a name from this box-” he pauses, glancing down at his again-empty hands, “-I’ll, uh, I’ll bring the box out in just a moment. But you’ll be able to randomly draw one name, and if the recipient agrees, they’ll be staying in the bunk room for seven nights. Questions?”

Taehyung raises his hand tentatively. “Hypothetically, would we be allowed to have sex with the guests?”

Sejin sighs. “All but two of them signed a contract in which they consented to the possibility of sexual interaction, yes. But none of them will be required to at all.”

You bite your lip. When talking with you, Eric had mentioned the contract, and stated that since it was just one day he’d rather not offer himself up for that. One of the girls must have done the same, then, but that still left six people who were joining for a day - or a week - willing to consider having sex with the others on the show. Perhaps you were raising your sex drive being on the show, or maybe you just missed the company of women, but that thought excited you more than anything.

“When do they come on?” Yoongi asks with a grimace. While the others are practically vibrating with the anticipation of being reunited with their friends and meeting new people, Yoongi seems begrudging, and you can’t help but wonder what girl in his life he asked to join him.

“They’re waiting outside right now,” Sejin reveals, “we’ll bring them in one by one to introduce themselves. As they come in, I want the person who invited them to get up and stand on the side with them until everyone’s paired up.”

Taehyung’s hands slip into yours and Hoseok’s, gripping them into tight fists with a hoot of excitement. His enthusiasm is contagious, and you sit up straighter, eying the doorway. “Do you think there’ll be a game?” the masseuse hisses, positively wiggling in his seat.

On the other couch, Jungkook’s eyes widen comically. “We’re doing a game? Oh, hell yeah!”

Sejin, who had been sending a text, glances up quickly. “The game isn’t ‘til the eve-” he cuts himself off, but it comes too late. “Ah, dammit. Anyways, please give a warm welcome to our first guest. Please come in.”

Before the person even rounds the corner, you hear an excited squeal. A slender girl with toffee-coloured hair and bright features careens into the room, her giddy smile widening as she lands her eyes on Jin.

If you had pictured someone to be friends with the therapist, it probably wouldn’t be this boisterous woman in tiny shorts and strappy sandals that’s currently cannon-balling onto him, but he lets out an oof, wrapping his arms around her with a fond smile.

Sejin clears his throat. “Could you please introduce yourself?”

“Oh!” The girl sits up, elbowing Jin in the stomach as she gets up to smile at everyone. She looks gorgeous in a summery red lipstick, and the voice that comes out is just as sweet. “Hi everyone, I’m Hyuna, Soogie’s better half.”

Rubbing his hip, Jin scoffs. “You’re my sidekick at best.”

Ignoring the person whose lap she’s sitting on, Hyuna beams. “If he’s been cool on this show at all, it’s my positive influence.”

“Thank you, Hyuna, the two of you can go stand to the side,” Sejin deigns, glancing towards the doorway. “Next?”

In this way, all the guests appear one at a time and pair off. Eric’s next in, and you rush up to give your old friend a tight hug, grinning as he immediately stands beside Jin and Hyuna and begins to schmooze, making the two of them alike fawn over him.

“Hi, everyone,” he announces in a cheery tone, “I’m Eric, longtime friend of Y/n and aspiring Gentleman. Pleased to meet you all.” Sejin nods at him, and Eric’s smile turns down a few watts to sober up. “Also, I didn’t sign the contract, so if there’s any funny business, feel free to not invite me.”

Unlike the first two, the third person that enters the room is shy, a reserved posture and sweet smile. She dresses in a corduroy dress and long-sleeved shirt, her dark hair up in a ponytail. Introducing herself as Ji-eun, she explains that she, too, chose not to sign the contract for sex, blushing at the word.

Equally blushing is Jungkook, who repeatedly bows to her as she comes in, hand hovering over her waist as he leads her to the side. You and Jin share a bemused look as the girl introduces herself as a family friend and Jungkook’s old babysitter.

Picking up the energy, the fourth guest is someone you actually recognise. Jessi, a Bangasm powerhouse in every right that Jimin is, turns the corner with a sultry look, sidling up to Sejin playfully before tugging Jimin up from his seat.

“Jessi, as most of you are probably aware,” she introduces, looking insanely stunning in a fitted crop shirt, high waisted shorts and eyeliner to kill. “Come on, Park; you’re with me.”

As he stands up, letting her ruffle his hair and gushing over his choice of earrings, you marvel at how different he appears around her. In the industry, if you’d heard of Jimin, you’d heard of Jessi. She started a few years before him, met him on a shoot, and the two were practically a power duo ever since. From the videos they had together, they portrayed an image of the King and Queen of porn, always working with each other whenever they could. But now, instead of some sex-crazed couple, all you see is Jimin being fussed over like a younger brother, leaning into Jessi’s fond yet teasing touches.

The two of them sit beside you, and your cheeks can’t help but burn up when she pokes her tongue out between her teeth and flicks you a wink, turning to Jimin and giving him a  meaningful nod.

So far Taehyung, Namjoon, Hoseok and Yoongi remain on the couches, and when the next girl rounds the corner, you just about think you must be seeing double.

With a black bob of hair sharper than her jawline, perfectly arched brows and a pouty mouth, an absolute copy of Min Yoongi scans the room. Her face changes, turns mischievous when she spots a begrudging Yoongi, and jerks her head. “I’m the hotter twin,” she announces, “Min Yoonji.”

As Yoongi huffs and gets up to join her, you watch with wonder as the two lookalikes stand together. She mumbles something low, ruffling his hair as he desperately tries to duck away, and the twins settle on the far side of you, beside Jungkook.

Quickly, another raven-haired girl steps in, barely even looking at you as she takes in the decor. “Fuck, this place is nice,” she mutters, before her eyes look directly ahead of her, maroon lips stretching into a smile, “Joon-ah, you’ve been here rent-free for the past month? Holy shit.”

Namjoon winces, bowing awkwardly to her, and you tilt your head. Why does it seem like they barely even know each other? Sejin must hear your internal monologue, as he clears his throat. “Could you please introduce yourself and state your relationship to Namjoon?”

“Oh, my name’s Sunmi,” she says with ease, “Namjoon and I are...” She trails off, looking to him for help.

Namjoon’s eyes widen, and he blurts, “best friends!” before going bright red. “Uh, we’re, um, we’re best friends.”

Sunmi beams, nodding matter-of-factly to the rest of you, before walking forward to pinch his cheeks and wiggle his face back and forth lightly. “Oh, yes,” she coos, “we go way back.” Letting go, she takes his hand and guides him to the side of the room where everyone but Taehyung and Hoseok are gathered.

You try to send Namjoon a questioning gaze, but he avoids everyone’s gaze but Sunmi’s, nodding shyly at the things she tells him quietly.

Luckily, the second-to-last guest takes up your attention fully. With velvet boots that reach the middle of her thighs, and a black shirt that reaches just as low, she’d look cute and preppy were it not for the black harness that brackets the shirt, reminiscent of Hoseok’s leathers, the sharp smokey eye and a red lipstick so dark it’s almost black. It doesn’t take you much to work out which of the remaining boys she’s accompanying. “Thank you to Hope for inviting me,” she begins, and your eyes widen at how silken and sweet her voice is, a total 180 from the typical dominatrix stereotype, yet it seems to fit her perfectly. “I’m Bee, I’ve worked at the Red Room for several years, and been friends with him for just as long.”

The two share a light hug, but you can see the affection there as his eyes crinkle and her beam widens. She hooks a finger around one of Hoseok’s belt loops and follows him to stand beside Jimin, barely enough room for them as it is.

Lastly is Taehyung, who’s already on his feet by the time a gorgeous blonde enters. Before you can get a good look at her, the two are bear-hugging, Taehyung lifting her off the ground for a moment as he grins so widely all his teeth are on full display. It warms your heart to see, and even when she settles back on solid ground, the two are attached at the hip, his arm tightly holding her to him.

“This is Chungha, my best friend,” Taehyung announces proudly, “we met at work when I was a trainee.”

“Aren’t I supposed to do that?” she questions with a throaty laugh, but still gives a warm smile to the rest of you. “But yeah, that’s me!”

They go to move over to the crowded corner, but Sejin steps in, clapping his hands once to gain everyone’s attention. “Alright, everyone!” he declares. “Welcome to all our new faces! You’ll have until 10pm tonight to socialise, have fun. For lunch today, we’ll be having a barbecue and picnic outside, but after then, you’re free. Be sure to respect Ji-eun and Eric’s choice not to partake in any sexual activity. And Y/n, I’ll be right back with the box. Make sure you pull a name before 10.”

Once he leaves, you let out a dramatic breath, collapsing into Eric’s side. “Today is gonna be busy,” you anticipate, “so many pretty girls to talk to. So little time.”

“Hey!” your friend protests, wrapping his arms around to trap you against his front. “Forget about the girls, you should be hanging out with your best friend! I’ve missed you, lest you forget!”

Suspicious, you wiggle around to face him, narrowing your eyebrows. “You just want me to be your wingman,” you accuse, “who is it? What guy here are you crushing on?”

Eric scrunches his face up, clutching at his chest in offense. “I am not crushing on anyone,” he insists, before glancing over to Hyuna, Jessi, and Sunmi have gathered around Namjoon like a flock of seagulls, cooing over the little embroidered patches on his overalls. “I just want the Iron Giant over there to crush me.” Squinting his eyes, he inspects the room until he locates Yoongi, who’s pouting like a wronged child as Yoonji makes herself at home in the kitchen, pulling out drawers and cabinets like she’s searching for something.

“He’s the doctor, right?” Eric asks of Yoongi. You nod, suspicious. “He likes to eat cum, I have cum to spare… I’m no mathematician, but x equals sex, you know?”

You wince. “Not your best line,” you say in a disappointed tone, “but anyways: I thought you told me you didn’t want any funny business? You didn’t sign the contract.”

Eric’s eyes skirt over you, taking in the seven men as he shakes his head slowly. “I was young then. Foolish. I know better.” Suddenly, he grips your shoulders and ducks his head to look you intensely in the eye. “Take me to Sejin’s office. I have a contract to sign.”

--

It’s a beautiful day for a picnic, and an even more beautiful day to watch the muscles in Jin’s back flex under his t-shirt as he mans the barbecue.

Sharing the same sentiment is Jessi, who sighs dreamily at him, sitting beside you on the sun-warmed grass with her legs stretched out in front of her. “They don’t make men like those anymore,” she muses, “face of a fucking god. You get to fuck him?”

You chuckle at the abrupt question, quickly learning that Jessi wasn’t one to beat around the bush. “Generally once a week, yeah. Unless I vote him out, I suppose.”

“God, please do,” she enthuses, “save some for the rest of us, you know?” Suddenly she sits up straighter, glancing around to take everyone in. “You know, when I heard about this, I thought for sure they’d either get a bunch of porn-addicted dweebs who jack off into crusty socks or all the airheads in the industry would sign up for a vacation. I guess they really filtered out the duds. I’m impressed.”

“They did good,” you admit, smiling fondly as you watch Taehyung jump around a small cross-legged group on the picnic blanket, holding out handfuls of beads. The masseuse had discovered Hoseok’s penchant for jewellery-making somehow and had demanded a tutorial. Jungkook and Namjoon look like two flustered schoolboys as they quietly help their respective friends, and Yoongi has his sister in a headlock as he tries to tie a bright pink and green bracelet around her wrist. Hyuna and Chungha are practically in each other’s laps, giggling as they wind delicate anklets onto each other.

Some of the others hang around Jin as he cooks. Bee is chatting up a storm with him, hip propped against the edge of the barbecue, and Jimin steals pieces of caramelised onion, sneaking glances towards you and Jessi. Your heart warms at his inquisitive look, the look of happiness and relief on his face when he sees the two of you getting along.

So caught up in your observation of the group, you don’t realise you’ve been silent too long until you get roughly punched in the shoulder. “Holy shit!” Jessi declares. “You like them!”

“Who?” you counter defensively.

She laughs, her whole face lightening up. “Fuck, maybe all o’ them. Is there anyone you don’t have a crush on? Anyone that doesn’t make you feel all giddy and happy?”

You’re stumped at that. For a long time, you’d been seeing having a crush as some grand, dramatic realisation. Realising you liked Tae and Jimin, and then more recently being confronted with your feelings for Jin, those romantic notions seemed so loud and all-encompassing. But the guys making you feel giddy and happy? Their presence cheering you up, missing them when you spent time on your own? It was a lot easier to admit to yourself that perhaps all seven of them fit within those constraints. “I… I hate to say that you have a point.”

Jessi squeals, briefly attracting the attention of the haphazard circle of jewellery makers. “I knew it! Oh my goodness, isn’t this so exciting? Have you had an orgy yet?”

You gape. “Jessi!”

“What?” she asks innocently. “If you’ve been here several weeks and you still haven’t had an orgy, you’re wasting your time, girl. Get onto that.”

“I have, actually,” you admit with firing cheeks. “Before Tae got eliminated.”

“The puppy?” When you send Jessi a bewildered look, she just shrugs, tipping her head over towards the barbecue where Jimin has taken to kissing the back of Jin’s neck and shoulders, standing up on his tiptoes to try and bribe the older man for some food. His friend sighs at his antics. “Park told me,” she explains in a matter-of-fact tone, “said he was an absolute delight to play with when he’s got his collar on. Fuck, and looking at him now really solidifies the image, you know? I’d love to make him beg for a treat.” Your face must sour, because without a pause Jessi is cackling, poking you lightly in the cheek. “Oh my goodness, you’re jealous! You can’t fuck him anymore so you don’t want me to!”

“It’s not that,” you protest, not wanting to expose that selfish desire.

“It’s fine, I get it! I’ll keep my distance,” she allows, rolling over on the grass to lean in, chin almost resting on your shoulder as her voice deepens to a conspiratorial tone. “But if I’m honest, you should just fuck him and take the penalty. I know I would.”

You bite your lip. “What if he accidentally touched me? He’d be sent home. It’s such a risk.”

She just shrugs, leaning back to watch him as he sits in the middle of the group, Chunga reaching out to playfully ruffle his hair. “Tie up his hands,” she deflects easily, “there are always solutions, you know? And if you really like him, I kinda think he’d appreciate you making the sacrifice to be with him.” Sighing out one last time, she stands up, brushing off her pants. “Food for thought. And speaking of food, there’s a big hunk of meat over there that isn’t on the barbecue.”

As Jessi makes her way over to Jin with a heavy swing to her hips, you decide to join the group. There’s a small gap between Ji-eun and Jungkook as they keep a respectful distance, so you wedge yourself in with a few muttered apologies.

Up close, Ji-eun is gorgeous, rosy features and kind eyes. It’s no wonder Jungkook looks at her like she hung the stars in the sky. Perhaps you’d normally feel jealous, but you get it. “So,” you start, reaching out for a cord to begin a bracelet, “the two of you are family friends?”

Jungkook nods hastily. “Our parents went to high-school together,” he divulges, fiddling with his finished bracelet to look busy. “And since my mom and dad both worked full-time, noona babysat after school.”

You coo, tying a knot at one end of the waxed cord so the beads don’t fall off. “That’s so cute, oh my goodness! Ji-eun, was he a troublemaker as a child? I bet he was.”

“Hey!” Jungkook protests, but the older girl just chuckles, sending you a genuine smile.

“Gukkie was actually a sweetheart,” she admits, “always super polite. He was cute, too, had this coconut haircut and the roundest eyes, little tiny hands. Not like now.”

Jungkook gasps again, clutching at his chest like he’s been mortally wounded. “How dare you! I’m still cute!”

You hum in an unconvinced way, turning to poke at his cheeks, tapping his button nose. “You’re a little bit cute,” you allow. “Though I bet you were cuter with the bowl cut.”

The camboy’s temporary pleased look vanishes and he abruptly stands up. “This is slander, it was not a bowl cut, I just have a very round head! I’m going to find Yoongi-hyung, he respects me.”

You glance around the group in confusion, but Yoongi isn’t in the immediate vicinity like he was earlier. In fact, the group has dissolved into a few stragglers finishing off their bracelets as most of the gathering emigrate to the sheltered patio. “Oh shit, is lunch ready? I’m starving.”

“Looks like,” Ji-eun chirps, but once the two of you stand up, she hooks her hand in your elbow, preventing your departure. “Before we go, I just wanted to say,” she begins, eyes earnest as they lock onto yours, “thank you for making Jungkook so happy. I know it’s not like it’s just you, and I’m going to try and thank everyone in due time, but he speaks so highly of you especially. He’s really coming out of his shell here, I can see it now.”

Your heart swells, instinctively turning to seek out the black and red hair in the crowd. Jungkook has slipped a glove on one hand and is cutting up pieces of meat with tongs and a pair of kitchen scissors, a broad grin on his face as he hands them out. “I’m really lucky to have met him. You helped raise him well.”

She beams at that, tugging on your arm as the others call out for you to join them. “It’s not me. That’s all just our Jungkookie.”

Throughout the lunch, you can’t help but think that every time you look at him. Our Jungkookie.

--

Much like Taehyung, Chungha is very generous with her hands.

The offer comes quickly after lunch. Most of the guests and guys are still outside socialising (Eric has managed to con a bunch of them into playing a rather hands-on game of football on the grass), but while you were inside getting a drink, both massage parlour workers joined you, Taehyung’s arms naturally slipping around your waist for a lazy back hug.

“Pour us one?” he requests casually, his voice like molten brown sugar. “I want you two to get to know each other. Maybe we could go upstairs for a bit?”

Beside you, smiling with her eyes as well as her baby pink lips, Chungha pats your hand. “I’ve heard so many good things,” she assures. “But Taehyungie is so disappointed that he can’t take care of you anymore.” Your heart freezes in your throat when she comes in close, smelling like cherries. Her voice dips so that only you and Taehyung could hear, the latter nuzzling his nose against the back side of your neck. “I could take care of you for him, if you want?”

You turn around in Taehyung’s grasp, seeking out his confirmation. He smiles, nods, and lets go to take the two extra drinks you’d poured. It’s only lemonade, but he takes an indulgent sip as if it were champagne.

Without another word, he begins to make his way to the stairs, glancing back to make sure you’re following. You think back to Jessi’s words, of showing him that you cared. It seems like, in his own way, he’s reaching across that divide and showing you he cares too. Chungha’s fingers winding between yours, you follow the two masseuses upstairs.

Perhaps it’s their job experience, or maybe just their sweet, puppy-like personalities, but being near them both feels so comforting and relaxing. In Taehyung’s bedroom, he sits on a chair, as close to the bed as he dares. Chungha tugs you directly onto the mattress, and you gasp as a slight push to your shoulder sends you collapsing backwards, head on the pillow.

She looks divine above you, smiling down as her pale golden hair hangs down and brushes against your collarbones. With a knee on either side of your hips, she straddles you and leans in closer, lips barely brushing. “Can I kiss you, Y/n?”

Your heart thuds strongly against your ribs. You nod, feeling dizzy as the pressure on your mouth increases and her hands slip into your hair. Her lips and fingers move in sync, massaging your lips and scalp indistinguishingly. Perhaps she’s even a better kisser than the others on the show, or perhaps it’s that the touch of a woman after three weeks of men feels like pure oxygen, like eating with a gold spoon after years of stainless steel.

Her fingers slide further, molten relaxation with every stroke. Soothing your temples, the crown of your head, the nape of your neck, she keeps you feeling warm and light, even a little hazy. Lips parting from yours for just a moment, Chungha whispers to you, her fingers playing with the waistband of your pants. “Will you let me taste you?”

Arousal thrums hot between your legs, but something makes you hesitate. Or, rather, someone. You shift your head on the pillow, looking past the curtain of Chungha’s hair to where Tae sits, cross-legged, on the armchair.

His eyes widen, soft and concerned. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, Y/n,” he assures.

Chungha pulls up at that, sitting back against her heels again. Losing the closeness makes a whine catch in your throat. “It’s not that,” you confess quietly, “I just… I don’t want you to feel left out.”

The blonde masseuse straddling you coos as Taehyung turns pink, and she beckons him closer. “I don’t feel left out,” Taehyung assures you as he tentatively perches on the edge of the bed, tugging your hand gently to clasp between his own. “I can’t touch you like you deserve, at least not now. But Chungha can. If you want this, I want you to have it, Y/n.”

Your hand feels so warm between his smooth palms, but your heart feels even warmer. “I do want it. But… Stay close to me.”

Taehyung laces his fingers through yours, holds your hand up, and delicately presses a kiss to the back of your hand, making your breath catch. Afterwards, his eyes dart accusingly to the cameras recording your every move and sound. “That was technically platonic contact,” he insists quickly, “they do it in movies all the time.”

You laugh softly, but it quickly mutes into a silent gasp as Chungha suddenly moves down, hooking her fingers into your waistband and undressing your lower half as she goes.

Spreading your knees and sinking to her chest between them, her perfectly manicured fingers run teasing lines up and down your bare thighs. “Just relax,” she coos, “just let yourself enjoy it.”

Her hair, like spun gold, tickles your thighs as she lowers her face closer. So light you can only just feel it, she presses a kiss into the seam at the top of your right leg, so close yet too far from where you need her. Doing the same to the other side, she begins slowly trailing them closer to your core, giggling onto you when your breath hitches in impatience.

Taehyung shifts, situating himself behind you so that your head lies back and rests on his lap. With the same hand that holds yours, he takes the other, holding both of your wrists together in less of a restraint and more of an embrace. Together, him and Chungha bracket you in this cocoon of gentle touches, and as his other hand begins taking over the scalp massage Chungha had started earlier, you can’t help but let your eyes slip shut.

It’s because of this that when she finally licks a bold stripe up your folds, it catches you by complete surprise. You squeak, jolting between them, but Taehyung just tugs on your hair lightly, shushing you.

“Doesn’t it feel good?” Taehyung asks softly, bent over so he can speak lowly.

Chungha, now that she’s started, uses her tongue and lips just as expertly as her fingers, marking Taehyung’s question redundant. You nod anyway, and are rewarded with the subtle vibration of her chuckling, lips wrapped around your clit.

There’s something inherently different about the way Chungha eats you out, that’s clear even with your eyes shut. Her lips are plush like Jin’s, her cheeks soft like Yoongi’s and her tongue roving deep like Jungkook’s, but with every second that passes, it feels like she’s explored your pussy a million times before. Each swipe and suck and nibble seems practiced, learned, and in mere minutes your thighs are trembling.

She alternates attention to your clit with fucking you on her tongue, and Taehyung’s hand never ceases its languid journey through your hair. The two poles of pleasure have you unable to catch your breath, unable to even open your eyes as every movement makes the lids heavier.

Two separate people, yet they work in unison. When Taehyung presses behind your ears, Chungha flattens her tongue on your clit in a slow drag. When that muscle becomes pointed, flicking over you to make you jump, Taehyung’s fingers curl so that the nails run over your scalp. Each nip of Chungha’s teeth is punctuated with a tugging of a lock of your hair, and caught between these tides, the only things that feel incomplete are your lips. What you wouldn’t give to have Tae bend a little lower and brush his mouth against yours, even for a moment.

Instead, you slip your bottom lip between your teeth, occupying them needily. A coil tightens in your stomach so slowly, like a gentle bubbling simmer, but it isn’t until you feel two slender fingers sliding inside you that there’s a tangible shift in pleasure. Like taking an exit on a highway, you feel a distinct change of path, like you’re now moving directly towards your orgasm. Driven by that desire, you rock your hips, moaning as her mouth hones in on your clit and her fingers curl, seeking out that spot inside you.

Unsurprisingly, she locates it with ease, and before you can even catch your breath she’s massaging it without mercy, twisting her fingers inside you with every audible thrust so that the pleasure is inescapable. You writhe, but she still has an arm free to throw over your stomach and hold you down.

Taehyung is still deliriously in-sync, and you can’t hold back a moan as his fingers press harder and nails drag stronger. Eyes rolling back, you feel that crest build, so close you can taste it, and your moans become desperate.

The two of them read the signs and up the intensity one last time. Taehyung drops your hands so that both of his can bury deep in your hair, and Chungha switches to three fingers inside you, scissoring and grinding them against your g-spot.

You come with a broken cry, seizing up as the pleasure wracks your body. While Taehyung stops his massage to brush your hair back, carding his fingers through it comfortingly, Chungha fucks you through it without mercy, sucking harshly on your clit and spreading you open on her fingers.

It’s not until your whole body is shivering and you try anad wriggle out of her hold that she finally lets up, leaving you boneless in Taehyung’s lap.

Far more full of energy than you are, Chungha straightens up with a satisfied sigh, licking her lips. As you fight to catch your breath, she runs a hand up and down your thigh. “You’re a fucking gorgeous specimen,” she compliments warmly, “when you get out of here, come by anytime.”

Suddenly Taehyung’s arms wrap tightly around your arms and chest, chin tucked onto the crown of your head. Even as you can’t see him, you can hear the pout in his voice. “When she gets out, she’ll be coming by for me,” he protests sweetly, “but I’m sure we could invite you too if she wanted.”

You laugh tiredly, leaning your weight back against Taehyung. “I’m definitely not turning that down, holy fuck.”

Chungha giggles prettily, chin still glossy from going down on you, though it doesn’t seem to bother her. “Won’t you give me one last kiss before we go clean up?”

You can’t deny her sweetly batted eyelashes, though you wouldn’t even want to. Once Taehyung begrudgingly lets you go, you lean forward and meet her halfway, tasting yourself on her tongue. It’s filthy but chaste, a quick swipe of her tongue into your mouth, a peck, and she’s pulling away with a wink, jumping off the bed.

Once she prances into Taehyung’s bathroom and closes the door behind her, Taehyung goes slack, winding his arms around your torso from behind and tucking his face into your neck. “I hope you liked it,” his voice comes out, muffled and shy.

You ruffle his hair fondly, wishing you could do more than that. “It was perfect,” you say without a doubt. “Thank you, Tae. I-” There are words that you can’t say, shouldn’t say now. “I like you a whole lot.”

If it’s possible, his hug tightens. “I like you a lot too.”

--

The rest of the day goes without hiccups. You spend your time getting to know the girls - albeit in less intimate ways than you had with Chungha - and slowly the idea of pulling a name out of the box becomes both exciting and worrying.

Hyuna brings out a new side of Jin. He looks more unburdened with her than he has the whole time on the show, and their vibrant energy together is contagious. Jungkook acts like a smitten schoolboy around Ji-eun, and she’s so patient and endearing that you can’t help but sympathise with him. It’s very clear Namjoon and Sunmi don’t actually know each other very well, but fuck you could watch their awkward banter and dynamic for hours. Sunmi is a relentless, unflappable tease, and Namjoon eats it up with a nervous laugh and bright eyes. Chungha seems more interested in the other girls than she is with Taehyung, but they’re never far apart, sharing countless meaningful stares between conversations. Bee is much like Hoseok, in that she’s so sweet and bubbly when she doesn’t don her dominant persona, and quickly she wins you over, her kind words and cheerful laughter a highlight of the evening. Jessi seems like the type of bossy but protective older sister that seems perfect for Jimin, whose usually-concealed soft interior lifts closer and closer to the surface with every minute spent in her easygoing, boisterous company. And finally, Yoonji is an absolute enigma, commanding attention with ease but seeming entirely disinterested with it. The moment a conversation bores her, you watch her eyes shift, inspecting some person or other like they’re a science experiment. You’ve been under that gaze yourself, and you practically feel the heat of the magnifying glass. But at the same time, when she does get engaged and speaks up, she’s just as articulate and sharp as Yoongi, and you can’t help but hang off her every word.

After relaying all this information back to Eric, who seems equally supportive and bemused, the only conclusion you can draw is that it would be entirely preferable to have all seven of them stay.

“Goodness, you insatiable minx,” your best friend teases with a mock look of disapproval. It’s 9:58pm, and the two of you have been stuck in the living room for almost the whole hour, staring hopelessly at the box. “Seven men is good, but fourteen people is better?”

“It’s not that,” you defend with a whine, “not that I would protest. No, it’s just- I wanna get to know them more, you know? And I feel like I’m learning more about the guys while they’re here, which is going to prove very important for tomorrow’s decision. And once I pull a name there’s nothing separating me from elimination, and I have no fucking clue who to eliminate, but then at least-” You huff, unable to articulate it. “I’m procrastinating.”

Eric grimaces, nodding. “It took you roughly fifty-nine minutes to come to that conclusion, but I’m glad we got there eventually.”

You kick your feet up over his lap, throwing yourself back onto the couch in despair. “I could’ve been out there researching this whole time, why didn’t you tell me?”

He shrugs, bouncing his knees so that your feet are jostled off. “I thought you wanted to work it through and that explaining every vivid detail of the past three weeks was necessary. It was riveting, by the way,” he adds in a drawl, “I’m certainly relieved you felt it pertinent to describe exactly the size and appearance of all the cocks in this house.”

You jump up, kicking him in the shin. “Hey! Don’t be sarcastic, I’m in a crisis!”

“Oh, I wasn’t,” Eric defends, brows lifted. “I’m doing my own research. Taking into account the past several hours, as well as the interesting mental pictures I’ve now been able to make, I’ve decided I wish to become the sexy meat in a Namjoon and Hoseok sandwich. Do you think it’s feasible?”

You open your mouth instinctively to protest, but then you stop, mulling over the combination. They had spent a lot of time together…

Eric claps his hands together with a victorious cheer. “You considered it, that’s basically a yes! Anyways, I hate to say it,” he digresses, quickly sobering up, “but it’s time to draw a name.”

Nerves immediately alight down your spine, but you fight them off. “Fuck, okay, I guess it’s random so it doesn’t matter, right?” Before you have the chance to second-guess that statement, you lean forward and plunge your hand into the circle-shaped slot in the box, feeling sharp edges of paper bumping against your skin.

Managing to close your fingers around a slip, you pull it out, opening the fold. Two words, three syllables. Eric and you read over it in silence for a moment, before you let out a amused chuckle. “Yoongi’s going to be pissed, huh?”

ELIMINATION

On the seventh Day of every Week in the game, the Elimination vote is released for 48 hours following the post of the fic. Please note, this is NOT the fan-favourite vote, which has already happened.

The vote has closed.

Below are the results for last week’s vote for Fan Favourite! 

#cypherwritersnet #bts smut #bts x reader #taehyung smut #taehyung x reader #ot7 smut #ot7 x reader #bts fanfic #jin x reader #jin smut #yoongi x reader #yoongi smut #hoseok x reader #hoseok smut #namjoon x reader #namjoon smut #jimin x reader #jimin smut #jungkook x reader #jungkook smut

[saintobio]

GIRL. I CANNOT WITH THE LATEST CHAPPIE. I literally never cry when I read novels or whatever but I cried at this chapter like literally when y/n's heart was twisted into pieces i FELT MY HEART THROB IN A BAD WAY and i promise i have good cardiovascular health. unlike our poor protagonist. :(((( literally the last time I cried while reading something was the fault in our stars 10 years ago. 0.0

i don't encourage cheating in relationships but y/n seriously needs to get with toji or someone who treats her like the BOSS BABE and kind soul she is like wtf do you want her to do gojo???? suffer in silence while you consistently disrespect her??? i don't really understand while y/n has this martyrdom complex. like girl i love you but KNOW YOUR WORTH. if i were her i would just ignore hoe-jo and hang out with my girlfriends or maybe confide in a therapist??? idk DOES SHE HAVE ACCESS TO MENTAL HEALTH RESOURCES?

and uhhh...how dare sera get pissed off? (i mean i would too if i were in her shoes but sighhhhhh come on)

and i got even more pissed off at gojo after seeing your edit like he calls her an attention seeker because of her health problems??? did she also not clutch her chest when his dad was throwing a fit like who was she performing for IF SHE'S SUCH AN ATTENTION SEEKER HMMM???

i KNEW he enjoyed having seggs with his wife!!!!!! i knew it god dammit possessiveness isn't love but i'll take it grrrrr

i mean i've probably haven't said anything groundbreaking but i just wanted to end this by saying i kept refreshing your tumblr this evening to see if you updated this story <3 <3 <3 i love you and thank you for blessing this site and fandom with an amazing story

i’m surprised it made u cry bc i didn’t feel anything when i wrote it 😭 i’m just so immune. also i agree gojo is so confusing — pushes y/n away, but doesn’t want her to leave bc he benefits a lot from her like make up ur mind dawg 👊🏻 atp gojo is just trying to find every reason to get mad at y/n bc he knows she’s very hard to hate knowing she’s so sweet and exactly the opposite of what he believes she is.

#saintobio.asks #series: sincerely not #tw.cheating