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photos-the-wereplant · 1 year

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The Ancient Magus' Bride is legitimately one of the most wholesome, lovely pieces of media I've ever had the pleasure of enjoying.

I watched it when it first came out, and before then I hadn't really understood the importance of relatable characters in media. Mind you, I was in my 20s when it came out, meaning it'd taken me that long to find a character I genuinely related to in media. It was Elias.

He's viewed like a child in how little he understands, but he is so caring and thoughtful and KIND. He tells Chise that she now has a home and family to comfort her, and follows through on those things despite receiving nothing in return and knowing that she would die. Unlike everyone else, who gets warm fuzzy feelings from being kind, he gets nothing.

Elias is trying to be the best human he can be and is constantly putting himself through the motions and giving it his 100% for hundreds of years.

And yet Elias is the monster. He's the one they're afraid of. He's inhuman. He's the failure. Chise is the only one who accepts his kindness at face value.

Real people don't do that. When they sense the deep emptiness behind a kindness, they can't understand it. It disturbs them. They can't fathom such an existence.

There are two outcomes: they either believe you're a monster or they brush it off as some misunderstanding. You're not given a chance to be you. You have your role assigned to you.

But even better, he's juxtaposed with Chise. She lacks emotion and agency because of trauma. Elias doesn't have trauma. He is who he is. When Elias feels emotions, they're NEW to him. He's honest and straightforward, but sometimes he acts irrationally because he doesn't have the other emotions he needs to be able to deal with what he feels. He hides in a hole in the woods and traps Chise there when she follows because he doesn't have the other emotions to keep his jealousy and fear in check. It's only when his fear is triggered by something new that he can snap out of it.

I was 19 when I found out what sadness felt like. The most important person in the world to me had just died, and I didn't have any emotions to grieve for them. I needed to grieve, but I couldn't. Can you imagine? I stood there, seemingly unaffected, while my family fell apart around me.

The only thing I had was my kindness. I was an empty human, but I knew that it was right for me to take care of my family. I knew it mattered. I couldn't grieve or yell or anything, so I did the things I could.

When it was time for me to speak at my sister's funeral, I read The Raven, because I knew she would've loved that. When I got towards the end and Poe is grieving Lenore, I choked. I felt something new. I felt sad. I felt the enormity of the loss of someone I would've gladly traded my life for.

Without the positive emotions though, things like sadness will tear you apart. I will never regain my health from before. My body is internally scarred far beyond its age. I don't drink alcohol, smoke, eat junk food, or do drugs, and I drink a lot of water. When I was 23, the doctor told me they've never seen my symptoms in anyone under 50.

The monster in Elias isn't because he's part monster/part human, the monster comes from his emotions. The human in him is the monster. It's the human part that wants to protect or lash out or kill. It's the human that's irrational. The human that yearns for closeness and can't bear being lonely and will destroy what it loves because of that.

Chise is the only one who actually understands that. In the moments where her life hangs in the balance due to Elias's emotions, she understands that it is the most real form of caring that anyone has ever shown her. She appreciates it for what it really is, even at the cost of her own safety.

This whole thing came from me rewatching The Ancient Magus' Bride and wanting to gush about it. I've got so many more emotions than I did when I first watched it. The story made me cry happy tears. I couldn't believe it. I never would have thought that I'd figure that one out. But I guess I did.

But, back to why this representation is so important to me.

There's a big difference between not having emotions and being depressed or even being numb. At the beginning, Elias is content. He is not suffering. He is curious about the world, but it doesn't drive him. Most importantly, he is kind.

That's how I used to be. I wasn't depressed or numb, I was content. I didn't need the emotions others did. I pursued kindness in my own way. I hid the emptiness that frightened people, much like how Elias hides his face.

But for people like me... everyone assumes it's either depression or something like sociopathy when they hear it explained. We don't get someone like Chise who comes along and takes our kindness at face value.

So if Elias resonates with you... feel free to talk to me. You deserve to know that you're not alone. I only wish I'd known sooner.

#ancient magus bride #schizoid

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lgcxsarang · 4 months

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LGCUPDATE:004

how do you choose who you spend your time with?

i think it could be a combination of factor's…a-and what needs i have in life at the time? by default being a trainee…that's one why i've chosen who i spend my time with. or my classmates in school because we share the same major. in a why, i've decided to be around people who have the same path in mind and goals as me. a choice i didn't really think about. outside of that i'd say, i'd chose based on what interest we have with each other, how the the people i'm around make me feel. i have a friend from high-school i would spend time with because we both enjoyed reading manga. so it was fun to shop with her or go to events or just talk about what we were reading. or some friends i made who were nice people, they had an understanding of me and accepted my personality so it'd only be natural that i would want to spend time with them right?

if you were in desperate need, who would you turn to?

i'd turn to my friend jeonghyun, he's a fellow trainee at the company. we've been friends since…middle school? high school maybe? he's been my friend since i came to seoul. i'm a shy person and i tend to keep to myself, along with a few others he welcomed me warmly into the school. i had some struggles during that time…and jeonghyun stood up for me a lot. he knows about my home life so it's pretty great that we both got accepted into legacy. when it comes to training, he's also helped me out here as well even if were on different paths. i think if i got into trouble or something happened to me…he's a dependable person that i could trust.

what’s your idea of romance?

this one is hard…because i think it's an idea that's still developing. growing up…or when i was little. i assumed it would be something that makes your heart beat fast…i guess it still is. if we only talked about the good parts, it's being able to see the person you treasure's smile. being excited and wanting to be around them…missing them when they're not around. it's sweet and lovely. but over the years…i've learned that it's something that takes work. it's something you have to keep up and it's not always certain. right now, i'd like to think that my heart think's it's something that should be sweet and lovely and but my head knows that it isn't that easy.

have you ever felt truly loved by someone else?

yes, my auntie. as well as my extended family but mostly my aunts. honestly, it's hard to pick between her and my grandparent's but…i'm going to go with my aunt. when i came into her home…into her family really, she wrapped her arms around me. i tried not to take up too much of her time or her attention, i was fine with what she was able to give but in the end, i never really had to worry. there were little things she did, little things i had missed out on. i always knew there was a gap in my life, something that was missing but it wasn't until i moved in her that i really realized how large that gap was.

have you ever lost anyone important to you?

yes but not because they passed away or anything like that. simply because we aren't in much contact now. it feel's like i've lost someone, lost two of them actually. i lost both of my parents in a way. they send money sometimes, i'll see them a few times a year but we aren't close. we've never been close. they both have new families now, new lives it seems like. i can't pin-point when everything turned out like this because it's always been this way. there are times when i get sad, when i think about calling them but the gulf is so big now…it's awkward. i know they're happy, i would like to think they love me in some way but…i don't really have them in my life.

#;; hc #lgc:cupdate004

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incarnadinedreams · 1 year

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One of the things that sucks about having such a divided fandom is that it kinda makes it feel like discussion 'across the gap' is pointless. This is the only fandom that I have ever actually blocked people in.

When someone comments on a post in a seemingly mostly innocuous way, and then you look at their blog and it's all anti stuff and it's like. Do you bother having the discussion knowing it'll go nowhere and they're probably just baiting you, or do you try to engage and hope it's the 1% chance it'll actually be an interesting discussion?

I still feel some sort of weird guilt over it because on principle it feels a bit wrong to cultivate an echo chamber. But also, it's fandom and it's just for fun and in this fandom it's not fun to engage.

I am just Old Enough to remember forum discussions where we'd spend 20+ pages debating something, it'd be knock down drag out and sometimes get heated, but it never felt bad or personal the way anti nonsense in the MDZS fandom does. I don't know if it's just different age demographics or taste preferences (most of my other fandoms have been dark to grimdark fantasy novels where literally nobody cares about morality that much, or anime/manga series where literally nobody cares about morality that much, or games in fantasy settings with dark themes... where nobody cares about morality that much... etc). Is it the romance element? The translation factor (being that I'm primarily interacting with English-language fans and so we're always a step or five removed from truly understanding the source material).

This is the only fandom I've been in where some people seem to impute some sort of moral judgement based on character preferences and it's wild to me. That's never happened with other books I've discussed. For example, one of the most universally loved characters in western dark fantasy is Glokta (from Joe Abercrombie's The First Law trilogy, which I read and enjoyed but am not like a super fan of - as a whole it was just okay for me - however Glokta specifically is an absolute stand-out as a character). Everyone I know loves Glokta, even my vegan friend who literally rescues bunnies as a hobby.

Glokta is just Literally Worse than Jiang Cheng in pretty much every way (love him for that). And yet 'I love Glokta' is one of the most unanimous, bland, and uncontroversial declarations you can make on a fantasy discussion board/subreddit. Even people who didn't particularly care for the books like Glokta. At best you'll have people say "eh, it just crossed a line for me when he did XYZ so I can't like him" but not "oh my god you're a horrible person for liking him, you're a TORTURE APOLOGIST!!!"

I don't mind being told I'm wrong about a point (with some sort of evidence) or 'hey, does this passage from page X change your interpretation if you reread it in Y context?' or whatever. Even among people who enjoy Jiang Cheng there are a variety of takes and flavors and points on various things and I enjoy the debates and different angles very much! Sometimes I find myself liking interpretations that directly dovetail with my own; not necessarily contradictory, but a reading that's going off in a very different direction.

But there's a certain point at which it feels pointless to engage, where it's just never going to be productive or interesting because the underlying reading is just fundamentally so different that it feels like a truly separate book.

Anyway the point is that I don't mind being disagreed with but sorry if I block you after seeing that all your reblogs are anti stuff because at this point taking the bait will just trigger all of my "someone is WRONG on the INTERNET!!!!" reflexes or whatever and ain't nobody got time for that.

Edit: oops, I left out a word...

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purplesurveys · 5 months

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1782

What are some of your favorite cities you’ve been to? Bangkok was so much fun that I'm already itching to go back. I was there for 4 days with the most jam-packed, NONSTOP itinerary you can imagine someone having; and yet it still felt like barely scratching the surface of what could have been explored there.

Shanghai was fun too, but you also have to be filthy rich to fully enjoy their offers – for me though it was fun enough to people-watch and try the local McDonald's haha, so I'm still counting it as a favorite.

Would you allow your children to date prior to 16? I did, so it would be hypocritical of me not to allow them. The only thing I'd change is to foster an open, warm environment at home so my kids can share with me what they're up to and ask questions if there's any concerns, because I had to hide my relationship for the entirety of it.

Did you ever go through a phase where you thought guys in bands were ‘hot?’ I guess, but I wasn't super deep into the phase. There was just a brief point where I wanted to date like a drummer, and I didn't even attend small shows in an attempt to catch a band member's eye.

What’s something about adult life you were never warned of or prepared for? How lost everyone is. I thought you'd kind of just figure everything out once you turned a certain age.

Did your parents teach you proper table manners when you were growing up? More my mom than my dad, but yeah. My mom had this brief phase where she kept telling us she'd enroll us in this series of etiquette classes – she never did lmao, but she tried to teach whatever she could when she had the time.

What was the last thing you baked? I've only ever baked chocolate chip cookies and I haven't done that since I was like 14. I don't have the natural skill for it and would much rather support a small business since there are like 593875954 local cookie shops who could do the job so much better anyway.

Do you live more than 5 hours away from the nearest international border? Well if you swam the distance it'd definitely take weeks haha, but as far as I know Taiwan is only a 1.5 hour plane ride away.

Does your town have a farmer’s market? We have markets literally everywhere, it's a focal point of every city. I don't know if a farmer's market holds a different meaning.

What’s the westernmost point you’ve been to? Thailand.

What was the last restaurant you made a reservation at? Blackbird. I haven't stopped thinking about their cheesecake either.

When did you last feel lonely? It's been a while tbh! I like my own company and seldom feel lonely.

Can you easily tell when others are masking their true emotions? Sure, sometimes. I know a few people who are great at being on autopilot that I can't help but think about what they're really feeling or how they're holding up with everything going on around them.

How often do you wash your car? Every couple of weeks.

When did you last lend money to a friend? I don't do that. That's enough of a problem in Filipino society that I simply don't want to be a part of that cycle, whether it's me lending the money or me asking to borrow money.

Which app on your phone do you tend to get the most notifications from? Viber as it's my main line for work.

Do you own a Dutch oven? If so, what was the last thing you cooked in it? I don't think we do.

What is currently on your kitchen table? Just a towel.

What is your favorite time period in history to learn about? Any era pre-World Wars.

How old were you when you met your current best friend? 7.

Have you ever kissed a smoker? Sure.

What is the minimum age to obtain a driver’s license in your state/country? Do you think this is an appropriate age? 18, and yeah that's fair enough to me. Personally I needed it to be 18 because I needed a way to bring myself to and from university and I wasn't willing to commute, so being able to drive immediately after graduating high school was a relief.

If you won the lottery, do you think any of your family members would ask you to give them some of your money? Hypothetically, I think they would be very indirect about it; but in the first place I wouldn't even be saying a word to anyone so that I don't have to worry about people messaging me out of the blue with an agenda in tow.

What is the craziest thing you’ve seen happen at your workplace? Nothing too crazy tbh because we've had a WFH setup ever since I started. It's probably just the office looking like a hoarder's paradise as we often have boxes upon boxes of PR packages populating the area, and it often feels like a warehouse more so than an office.

Do you own any home automation gadgets like wifi thermostats or wifi bulbs? Nothing too high-tech. Our aircon downstairs can be controlled via its phone app but that's it.

What is something you gave up on after many failed attempts? Learning Photoshop.

How old were you when you started to seriously think about what career path you wanted to pursue? Towards the end of college. I had a brief, last-minute crisis where I suddenly wanted to be in law school, but it was happening when things were more or less wrapping up for me in college so I had had to sit myself down and start thinking about what it is I wanted to do.

Eventually I came to the reflection that law school will spit me back out nearly immediately, especially if I'm only thinking about the money; so between that and already hating journalism enough, I decided to take up PR and comms.

Have you ever disliked a book so much that you didn’t finish it? Yes. Maybe not dislike, but I was just so bored of the book that I didn't bother reading through the rest anymore.

Would you rather read a book, or listen to the audiobook? I'd rather read the book. I did download an audiobook recently – and it's my first audiobook too! – but I only did it because it would be impossible to find a physical copy of the book where I'm from.

Do you think tomorrow will be a better day than today? Not in the slightest.

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will-o-the-witch · 2 years

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I'm part of several magic geared discords run by popular youtube practitioners (tried smaller ones but they were somehow more awkward) and when I first started getting into magic 8 or so months ago they felt like such a boon. So many books to look into, so many resources for who to avoid, so many people to learn from. But as time went by I started to feel really awkward and couldn't put my finger on it.

Recently though I've started to realize that there's a lot of performative activism in the groups. Lots of Heathens will make giant posts, cut people out(nike and georgina rose), make podcast episodes about how horrible white nationalism and na*is are, but then when someone pops on to ask about Lilith, these same people talk about how she's so powerful to work with and all this (legit one of the mods across 3! severs is a host for a heathen podcast and said she grew up in a Jewish household and she doesn't care if people worship Lilith because no one she knew ever cared). People go out of their way to be respectful to Indigenous practices (mostly in regards to land spirits and white sage) but there's not a lot there to help bring attention to the rampant anti-Semitism in magic spaces.

They constantly publicly shame people who share their UPG while also suggesting books that are by and large just the authors UPG. (Or low key really appropriative but somehow it's okay because they are so popular *cough Jason Miller cough*) The same mod as I mentioned above has gone on long tirades about how if you say something is part of your practice you NEED to have *facts* that back it up, but the facts she wants are like random correspondences from a book she "trusts" (honestly, if we're not talking 100% historic stuff what facts are there most of the time? (and even then history isn't static and changes based on new information))

My question is how would I even start a conversation (if I choose to, which tbh probably won't but it'd be nice to know what to do about it in the future) with people like this? These people think anything not in a published book aren't worth looking in to. Anyone from tumblr/tik-tok/instagram is considered a joke regardless of how good their information is (which is hilarious because these people mod on discords for youtube witches). I'm starting to realize this is just a really common thing and I don't know what to do. You seem to have a lot of (probably unwanted) experience with this kind of stuff and I don't want to leave the discords because there is some good information if I dig. It's just getting harder and harder not to say anything when people do icky stuff.

This is a great question!! Unfortunately performative activitism and anti-intellectualism can worm their way into any community space, but I think the latter tends to hold firmer in magic/mysticism spaces because it's been used to try and justify SO much pseudoscience(which feeds back into it) and magic work is so esoteric and subjective anyway that so much information can't ever be formally verified.

I think the best thing you can honestly do is just rise above it. Be picky about your sources (I usually don't touch a book on magic with less than 3 pages of works cited,) study your history and science, read original sources when you can, etc. Not only will it help you out personally but you'll be better equipped to point out WHY something is bullshit if you need to. (And reminding people that Llewellyn and other publishing companies don't necessarily have a quality standard, it's about whether they think a book will sell enough copies.)

Leading by example and speaking with confidence is good, but you also don't have to rot your brain trying to change every mind. Some people aren't interested in being corrected, and you don't have to make them their problem. If a group is frustrating and draining to you, just leave! Find your tribe of like-minded folks who have the same values as you. They're out there, sometimes it just takes hunting!

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cassandrajoybellbittner · 4 months

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*Warning Adult Content*

SHARING THE NEWS - Chapter 25

Len

I chewed on my thumb's nail as the sound of the other line being dialed filled my ears.

I stared out of the window in my room, swinging my legs from my seat on my bed as I waited for my mother to pick up on the other end.

I was going to tell my mother about Adyen today.

A piece of me wasn't sure why I had put it off for so long but I was going to tell her about my mate today if it was the last thing I did.

I've tried multiple times, trailing off and changing the topic whenever

I panicked and decided it wasn't the right time but I wasn't going to do that today.

Summer was getting closer and I did plan on taking Adyen back home with me after he was back from spring break at his mum's place.

"Hello?" my mother's voice caught me off guard and I almost dropped my phone.

I managed to catch it, before bringing it to my ear and whispering a small greeting back.

"How are you doing? You've been calling a lot lately."

Yeah, because I keep postponing something I want to say.

I didn't say that out loud of course and instead, I smiled and just muttered...

"Yeah."

"How are your exams going? I hope they're not too hard."

I heard running tap water in the background, followed by the sound of ceramic plates.

She was doing dishes.

Maybe also defrosting meat under the tap water.

I smiled, realizing that she must be in the kitchen.

It was about eight in the evening back in Alberta, so it would only be omega wolves on duty cleaning up the house and planning for the next day.

"They're not hard. I quite like them," I said, looking away from my window and staring down at my toes instead.

It was heading towards eleven at night and I was starting to feel sleepy.

"That's good to hear," she said and I listened to the sound of her cleaning for a while before letting myself lie down on my back.

I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom, preparing myself to tell my mother about Adyen but my chest was heavy and I was nervous.

"Mum..." I started, cursing under my breath at the fact that my voice shook.

I was a bit worried that she would ask too many questions about Adyen... maybe not even like him.

I knew that was me overreacting and my brain working overtime but hey, paranoias were inherently illogical sometimes and I couldn't help getting scared about the very small potential that my family wouldn't like the person I was fated to.

"Are you going to say something?"

"Sorry," I apologized, realizing that I had gone quiet on my end.

I took in a deep breath and decided to just go for it.

"Mum, there's something I want to tell you."

My heart was pounding against my ribs and I was starting to feel tense.

"I've met my mate," I said.

When she didn't reply immediately, I started to ramble.

"He's the same age as me. We met months ago but it'd only recently we started to get serious..."

"Oh, that's wonderful," my mum didn't wait for me to finish.

She cut me off and made an exciting squealing sound.

She seemed to have dropped her phone because she was clapping her hands.

"What is he? A grey wolf too? Or maybe a red wolf maybe? That would be shocking to the rest but I'm sure they'll loosen up about it..." my mother paused her excited rambling for a bit to let out a deep relieved sigh.

"You know, I was getting worried when it wasn't someone in the pack. I thought they would be too far away for you to ever meet them," she went on, talking about how on my eighteenth better I had been both scared and relieved.

Scared because I felt the mate tug but relieved because it wasn't any of the pack members.

Then I was still getting over my crush on Ahote and my mother's worries hadn't been a big deal to me.

"Anyway, how are they? What are they like?" my mother asked me, making me suck in my bottom lip as I tried to think of what to tell her.

"His name's Adyen. He's also an architecture major and he's in the track team," I said, hearing my mother hum in approval on the other end.

"You know, I told you that you should try and join a sports team. We tend to be naturally good at these things," she said, making me bite down on my bottom lip.

"I know but I think it's cheating. It's an unnatural advantage don't you think?" I asked, making her snort.

I heard a door creaking shut.

She must be heading to somewhere private.

"Athletics is all about natural advantages. Are you going to cut down the legs of a tall basketballer?" I smiled at that, realizing that she was in the back patio due to the sound of howling and crickets.

"No but it's kind of different since people don't know what we are."

I let out a sigh.

"Have you told Adyen this? That you think he's cheating?" my mother's question made my stomach tie up in knots as I realized this was the perfect time to mention what kind of werewolf Adyen was but my tongue felt numb and my lips didn't want to move.

"Len?" my mother called out when I didn't say anything after a while.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah." I forced myself to speak up.

"Everything's fine."

"Mum," I said, trying one last time.

"Yes?" her voice had gone soft as if she now understood that I was trying to tell her something that was difficult for me too.

"You can tell me anything, Len," she said and I swallowed the spit in the back of my mouth before letting out a sigh.

"Adyen's half-human," I explained to her, focusing on my gaze on the light bulb on the wall.

"He's recessive and he's still getting used to this."

For whatever reason, the words started coming more easily to me after I told her that Adyen was half-human.

A weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I felt lighter... less tense and paranoid.

"I see," her voice was flat.

I couldn't guess how she felt about it.

My mother's words were followed by silence since I didn't know how to respond to that.

We stayed quiet for a bit.

The only sound between us being the almost inaudible white noise.

"Did he know that he was half-werewolf when you met?" my mother asked.

"No," I said, rolling until I was lying down on my side.

"He didn't know. I had to tell him."

"Was that hard? Are you sure you two are okay?" she asked.

She seemed more concerned about how difficult things must be between us, but that wasn't the case.

She seemed worried, not abrasive,and against things, so that was a good sign.

I picked on the lint of my duvet, thinking of what to say to her.

"We've been dating for a while now and it's been months since he found out. We're okay," I said, trying to calm her down.

"If you say so," she said,and I smiled a bit.

"I have one question though, how does the mating process work then?" my mother asked, making my face warm up.

I knew what she was talking about.

Gosh, why was everybody and their dog asking me when I was going to and if I have had sex with Adyen properly.

"We're still figuring that out. I don't want to hurt him," I managed to get out even though my face was as hot as an oven.

"We're not thinking too much about that now but I think we'll do that eventually," I was starting to ramble but I think my words were enough to convince my mother because she just hummed to herself.

"I see, I'll leave you two to it then but if you need advice I could always ask around."

I rolled my eyes, just wanting to end the conversation about my sex life.

"I'll be sure to ask if I need help," I assured her, letting out a breath of relief when she let out a content sigh and started talking about how beautiful the night was.

I indulged in her conversation for a bit, asking her about the garden and the river.

It had frozen over during winter but had started to flow freely again sometime last week.

My mouth watered as I craved smoked fish.

I'm sure Adyen would like to eat that.

That's right, I still needed to tell my mother that he was tagging along with me.

"You know, I was freaking out about telling you. I'm not sure why," I admitted, listening for my mother's response.

"I think I understand," she said.

"It was difficult to get the pack used to Zeke and Alek," she said, referring to Kaya's mate and the person that ended up with Ahote.

"We're a secluded people and you know why self-preservation is so important to us," she went on, whispering now.

I nodded my head even though she couldn't see me. I understood.

Being werewolves and being indigenous people living close to oil reserves, we were under constant fear of being found out or being moved from our lands.

I understood why the pack back in Alberta couldn't be like the Rogue ones here in Toronto.

I enjoyed the diversity and openness of packs like the one Georgiou ran but I understood the need to self preserve and keep our traditions and people back home together.

A part of me started to wonder about how Adyen might be treated when I brought him over.

He would stand out just like Alek but he was my mate and I was sure for that fact alone he would get the initial respect Alek was not afforded.

I broke the silence, remembering that I was still stalling on telling her about my summer holiday plans.

"I'm bringing Adyen over this summer if that's okay," I said in a small voice, hoping that she heard me.

"Of course, it's okay."

The excitement from before was back and soon we were catching up.

She talked about my father and about Ahote and the nice building projects, the pack was conducting so that we could have more horses and a better greenhouse.

The discussion made me nostalgic for home and I couldn't wait to go back.

I wondered if Adyen would enjoy being there.

I'm sure he would enjoy seeing the river and the plains.

I wondered if he would be the type to like hiking.

A smile made its way to my face at that and I promised myself to ask him before he left for Nova Scotia after his last exams.

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theforgottendrummajor · 9 months

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Day 113 of Being a Drum Major

I honestly just need to get some stuff off my chest. I'm just gonna write for like 10 minutes and then ignore the rest.

I think it'd be easier if I was the only drum major in our band. Here's the thing. At rehearsal yesterday, I got to experience what it was like to be the only drum major, and it felt so much better than anything else had ever felt. I got to whistle off pregame, I got to do the entire drum major entrance by myself, I got to be the one in charge of everything. And the best part was that no one was criticizing me for the way I was doing things, even though it was my first time. No one was telling me that I sucked at something, no one was shooting me death glares, and no one was making fun of me for trying to do things and for running around the entire field.

And it felt fucking incredible.

My co-drum majors are so hard to deal with. One of them puts themself on a pedestal above the other two of us, just because of the extra year of experience that they have. And instead of trying to help us get to their level, they separate and isolate themself more from us, so that they can have more power. And my other co-drum major is just the most insufferable, immature person that I've ever been around. And honestly, knowing that they weren't going to be at this rehearsal felt like I was taking a breath of fresh air.

I came away from this rehearsal feeling the happiest I'd ever felt. I finally got my "I made it" moment. I finally felt like everything that I've worked for was for a reason, that I could absolutely get lost in the music and love every bit of what I was doing. No one was watching me--and if they were, I don't care. Let them watch. I worked hard for that rehearsal moment to be mine, and I want to have my moment.

Not only do I feel like I'm forgotten when all three drum majors and my BD are there, but more than that, I feel like I'm not valued by them. Like I don't matter. And it hurts more than anything else. My BD tells us that being a drum major means that we're going to be the butt of every joke that she makes, and I honestly don't care. Because if she's willing to joke around with me and show that bit of humor with me, then it makes me feel like I'm seen, and that I'm at a level where I can be joked around with, and where I can have fun whilst still working hard at that level. And that happened today during one of my band classes, and I was able to laugh along and get just as much fun out of it as the rest of the class did.

And you know what? Neither of my co-drum majors were there.

So honestly, this could just be me being absolutely delusional, but I feel like my life would be so much easier if I was the only drum major. For one thing, I'd feel so, so, so much better about myself. One of my co-drum majors continues to put me down every chance that they get, and after suffering from imposter syndrome for a good chunk of last year, the fact that they're willing to try to get me to hate myself just as badly hurts more than imaginable. And for another thing, I'd actually feel like I matter. And that's the other thing--I don't really have a group of friends in band. Sure, I'm friendly with everyone and stuff, but I don't have that same group of people that I call my specific group of friends. And this group just feels like my home. And I want to feel valued when I'm surrounded by the people that mean an insurmountable amount to me, but when someone else who has the exact same position that I do makes it their entire life's mission to tear me down, and I don't have that level of confidence to stop them from making me fee like I don't matter... yeah, it hurts. And honestly, I keep thinking about what would happen if I was no longer a DM, and I've realized that neither of my co-drum majors would really care. I'd like to hope that my BD would care, but part of me feels like the only reason she'd care would be because she was missing an extra set of hands sometimes, or she was missing the girl that wouldn't complain about moving ladders and doing all the dirty work. Not like she actually missed me.

I don't know. I feel like it's been way more than ten minutes at this point, but I just needed to rant. Hopefully things will get easier. Hopefully things will get better. But I really don't know. See you on the field (or not).

Brushed aside,

--theforgottendrummajor

#drum major #band kids #marching band #musicians #crying #they hate me #imposter syndrome #i don't belong #i'd rather be on my own #wish i was alone #it was just me #why am i here #i don't matter

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alexbkrieger13 · 10 months

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I think I have a crush on a girl I shouldn't have a crush on and I don't know what to do. Help?

Don't wanna give out too much personal info so sorry if I speak in riddles. We barely know each other and have only met a few times, by chance due to scheduling. But each time we've had the opportunity to talk for a longer while, sometimes alone with no one else around to hear. It so happened I mentioned a few things and it felt so natural to open up to her. She shared, without detail, she had gone through some hard times herself and opened up a tiny bit. We connected on that day in that moment and she put her hand on my shoulder. Next time we met we had a long talk about personal things you don't just tell anyone and it felt like we connected even more. I told her then I'm gay. She didn't reveal her orientation and she hasn't mentioned if she's single or dating anyone. I've gotten the impression she's not seeing anyone tho from some things she's said.

Recently we got "stuck" together for a good 2-3 hours. Most time among other people so no time for much personal talk. When we left she had to help me get up from a chair. I extended my arm towards her and thought she'd grab my forearm and wrist. But she took my hand and kept holding it to my surprise while she gave me a gentle smile. She then squeezed my hand briefly. When I by reflex squeezed her hand back before stopping myself and relax my grip she stroke me over my hand with her thumb a few times. As we walked towards the door she offered me to keep holding her hand. I was so out of it and didn't think further than I didn't need walking assistance so I said no. I've regretted it ever since 😭 (Who says no to holding a gorgeus girl's hand when she asks you if you wanna hold hands 🤦‍♀️). I'd noted I felt attracted to her previously but more on a superficial level. Spending so long time talking with her last week awoke my interest tho and I really noticed her. Can't stop thinking about her now.

Later the same day I needed to call her workplace and it's like a phone several people use and whoever is at the office answers. She picked up and just said hi and my name. She knew I'd recognise her. We spent some time talking on the phone when she helped me with what I needed help with. A few days later I needed to text the workphone. First another person texted me back and then I think it was this girl who answered my second text. I don't know if it was her because it's another girl at her workplace with the same first name. She'd added an emoticon last in her answer next to her name. Like she wanted me to know it was her and not the other girl.

We're not colleagues or collaborate occasionally but we're in a position it'd be inappropriate if something should start to develop between us. I don't think it'd matter it'd be mutual with consent from both. She could potentially get in trouble for it and in worse case have to stop working where's she's at now. She's not a regular employee either and it could potentially affect her if she wants to change jobs in the future to something similar or start working full time there. She's a stand in when they need extra people and she has another job at a store. The second issue is she's younger than me. Much much younger but she's an adult. She's very mature for her young age and it feels like she's just a few years younger than me.

I know what she thinks of me. During one of our personal long talks one on one she said twice I was a very beautiful person. She's told me she can feel the emotions of other people when they're telling her things and that she thought I had that gift too. Gift was the word she used. She's an empath maybe more so than me. Maybe she sensed last we met I was happy to see her again and how effortless things felt between us. It was like her soul recognised mine somehow. Maybe she sensed I subconsciously felt attracted to her and decided on a whim when the opportunity came to take my hand and do what she did. If it was just her squeezing my hand I'd written if off as she'd wanted to reassure me. It's what happened afterwards and the text with the emoticon that bugs me.

I don't know when or if I'll get to see her again. She's told me all the times we've met as we parted that she'd be a stand in from time to time and at the store this summer. She hasn't told me which one, just a store in town. Last time it sounded like she'd start to spend more time working at the store. She said it'd be the other girl with her name who'd meet me and not her. She has more than once told me where I can find her this summer. I just have to "work for it" and visit the stores in town until I spot her...

All I know is I can't stop thinking about her and that if I'd meet her every day at work or school I'd fallen for her a long time ago. I'm so confused. I can't act on it and she can't either if she happens to have romantic feelings for me if she's even gay to begin with. We can't control our emotions tho and if there's something there me and her would have to keep it a secret if we can't stay away from each other.

I think if somethings meant to happen you'll end up crossing paths. With the age thing imo i don't think age should be a hindrance as long as your both alright with it

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inglourious-imagines · 3 years

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Piece Of Cake (Fred Weasley)

Summary: Fred claims that asking a girl out to the Yulle ball is a piece of cake. Harry and Ron dare him to prove it.

Prompts: fluff list: 2 - "I don't care, just hold me." & angst list: "Try to see things in my point of view." & miscellaneous list: 4 - "My mum thinks I'm dating you." (changed a bit)

Warning: angst at the beginning, some swear words, fluff at the end

Author's Note: This is for @lunalovecroft 's 1K writing challenge! Probably it was meant to be the other way around, but that idea suddenly strucked me and I decided to give it a go. Happy reading ♡

HP Taglist: @alienoresimagines @95swifi

"You have a place in my heart no one else ever could have." - F.S. Fitzgerald

All the Yulle Ball decoration were making Y/N beyond sick, every ribbon reminding her that she still did not have a date to accompany her throughout the approaching evening. Molly Weasley was so kind to send her as a gift the most beautiful dress Y/N had ever seen in her life and now she was genuinely thinking about not going to the ball at all.

When she threw herself at the bench in the Great Hall right next to her best friend Hermione who was sitting way too far from Ron, Harry and the twins were seated. Y/N knew about the brightest witch's secret crush on the young Weasley that was slowly but surely growing into something more than just a simple crush. She'd even swear that Ron felt exactly the same about Hermione but she had to promise not to get involved or play a cupid.

"He didn't ask, did he." Y/N dared to speak up first, glancing from Hermione's sad expression on her face to absolutely oblivious Ronald just a few metres away from them who seemed to be stuffing as much food as possible into his mouth as fast as he could.

Y/N's eyes wandered from one Weasley to another, much taller one, who's smile was so contagious that she found herself grinning like an idiot for no particular reason.

"What do you think, Y/N." Hermione sighed bringing her back from her daydreaming, "guess he's not the only one who didn't ask, right?"

Y/N looked at her friend again, simply nodded as she wasn't able to react in any other way. As much as she tried not to, she felt a bit disappointed when the only person she wanted to go to the Yulle ball with, hasn't asked her.

"They've been bickering for the past 15 minutes whether asking a girl out is easy or not." Hermione stated, clearly upset with the whole situation.

"Are you serious, 'Mione? What are their points of view?"

"Well, Harry and Ron are obviously struggling to even compliment a girl in the right way but Fred reckons there's nothing easier."

The girls look at each other and burst out laughing in the next second. "Like he'd know how to ask." Y/N managed to get out of her through her laughter, "however, I must agree with Harry and Ron. They're the most oblivious idiots."

"Tell me about it." Hermione giggled but a trace of hurt flew over her face and Y/N suddenly felt really sorry for her dear friend.

"Hey Y/N!" Fred shouted out of the blue, his clear voice echoed through the Great Hall causing other students to perk up their heads in order to find out what possibly he has in mind now.

Y/N threw a look full of question marks to Hermione before turning her head to the tall red-head. "Yes?"

The moment his typical mischievous grin appeared on his face Y/N knew that something either funny and unpleasant to her or something embarrassing is about to happen.

"Will you..." Fred kept on talking as loudly as possible while wildly gesturing with his arms - apparently pretending to dance, "go to the ball..." now he was just pointing at her and him, "with me?"

Y/N's whole face turned brightly red, her nervous eyes wandering from student to student with such awaiting and amused expressions on their faces. Her heartbeat fastened in the matter of seconds that it seemed like it might jump out of her chest. Y/N looked at Hermione for help with such desperation hidden behind her gaze but her friend just simply shrugged, absolutely shocked with the sudden question, just like Y/N was.

A few seconds passed and Y/N was still sitting at her spot totally speechless. She imagined many times how Fred would ask her to the ball but never in a million years did she think it'd be like this - shouting at her in front of the whole Great Hall with absolutely no sign of sincerity or romance; to her it seemed like some sort of a bet to prove his point.

Their eyes for a moment and Y/N realized that Fred was convinced that she's going to accept his offer, confidence was basically radiating off of him. She knew he's not bragging, Fred was one of the kindest people she'd ever met but sometimes, sometimes he just wasn't able to estimate the situation.

Anger was slowly bottling up in her as she quickly stood up grabbing all her books. As much as it hurt her to say it, Y/N was still able to straighten up looking directly into his eyes. "Sorry, Weasley, not interested. But thanks for the offer, I feel flattered." The sarcasm in her voice was more than obvious.

Y/N winked at Hermione, rightly feeling satisfied with her as she heard a few laughs from many students when she walked out of the Great Hall leaving absolutely speechless and embarrassed Fred Weasley.

•••

Y/N rushed into her dormitory, not wanting to deal with anybody at the moment as the anger was slowly transforming into hurt. This wasn't what she imagined.

She threw herself at her bed; her books were casted off on the ground, papers flying all over the place.

"Y/N! Wait!" a muffled voice of the too familiar Weasley filled her ears and before she knew it, Fred was standing in the middle of her dormitory with flushed cheeks due to the long run, doors slammed shut behind him.

"Let me explain." he almost begged taking a few steps towards her. She quickly got on her feet as she shook with her head couple of times. "Please, no. I don't care if your intentions were the noblest, but it happened and that's it."

"If you could just let me talk."

But Y/N didn't see the regret in Fred's eyes, or how his hands trembled a little bit, she was way too furious to notice all these things.

"Try to see things from my point of view, Weasley! You basically shouted at me in front of the whole school if I want to go to the ball with you! I understand that you just wanted to prove something to Ron and Harry but this is not a game for me."

Every single word that left her mouth went straight to Fred's heart. He never in a million years intended to hurt Y/N, he'd rather suffer himself than have something happen to her. But he was scared, Fred felt truly terrified of asking her out and when the boys confronted him about it, he panicked. He didn't have an idea why he reacted that way. The pounding heart, sweaty palms, the hotness in his cheeks - all this was new to Fred Weasley and he wasn't sure what do to with his stormy emotions.

"I'm real sorry, Y/N. I didn't want to offend you but that doesn't mean I don't stand behind what I said earlier." he tried to ease the tense in the small room, his lips even formed into a cute little innocet smile.

"I don't know, Weasley. I simply think-"

"Let me make it up to you! The ball's tomorrow, just say yes."

Then they were there - Fred's puppy eyes that no matter how serious the problem was, Y/N wasn't able to bring herself to say no. She knew he's very well aware of that fact, he somehow managed to melt her heart.

"Fine. I'll go to the Yulle ball with you, Weasley. Don't make me regret it."

"I can certainly promise you that, Y/L/N."

•••

Y/N was nervously pacing in her new white dress that she got from Mrs. Weasley while Hermione was watching her with an amused expression.

"You know, this isn't funny." she frowned but a part of her was telling her how unreasonably ridiculous she is.

"Actually it is," her best friend couldn't held back the laughter, "you'll be fine. I bet he's even more nervous than you are."

"Hermione! His mum thinks I'm bloody dating him!"

"That's just so perfect. Maybe you will be after tonight."

Their eyes met for a moment and then, as if their minds were connected, the girls started giggling like some 13-year-olds. Y/N finally relaxed a bit, just like Hermione did, as they both promised themselves to look after each other during the evening.

"So what do you think?" Y/N winked at her friend, "shall we?"

"Absolutely."

•••

The duo walked together down the stairs leading to the dance hall, side by side, both of them smiling widely. Y/N found Fred's tall figure right away as he was nervously pacing back and forth mumbling something under his breath while George watched him amused. Just like Hermione watched her a couple minutes ago. God, how similar they could be.

"Well done, brother dear. Fucking well done." George whispered into his twin's ear tapping his shoulder. Fred's gaze immediately landed on approaching Y/N making him stop in his tracks. George just smirked and left with his own date to give them some privacy.

Fred was closely watching her every step, how elegantly she carried herself through the room, the beautiful white dress flew around her making her look like an angel descending from the sky.

"Blimey, I don't think I've ever seen something so beautiful like you." Fred breathed out, his eyes roaming all over her body.

"You don't look too bad as well, Weasley." Y/N blushed at his compliment as she sent him one nervous smile. The truth was, he looked way more better than just 'not bad' and she had to remind herself not to stare at him too much. He pulled her into his side, his scent and warmth immediately embracing her, and she found herself falling for this dangerously good looking red-head.

"Everybody's turning their heads after you. I swear I even saw a smile on Snape's face." Fred pointed out, his voice filled with obvious jealousy as his grip on her waist tightened.

"I don't care, just hold me, Fred." Y/N gave him a reassuring smile taking his hand in his, "just hold me."

"I never wanted anything more."

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milkytheholy1 · 3 years

Text

We’re not done here

Request: How about a Donnie x Reader where the reader is really self-conscious about their body and has pretty sucky self-esteem? I feel like it'd be cute with how Donnie secretly relates and has enough confidence for the both of them! 💜 (Female or gender-neutral is fine I think! >w

A/N: hey so I didn't really delve in deep to Donnie's insecurities, they're kind of mentioned and if you read into things a bit more you might be able to see them idk. Hope you enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Staring at your solum face in the mirror, you frowned at your reflection. Your eyes trace over your features, using your fingers to tug at the bags under your eyes and the acne that could be a dot-to-dot game on your face. Gazing down towards your stomach and thighs, you released a sigh; a lone tear slipping down your cheek. How could anyone ever like me?

A gentle ringing brought you back to reality, wiping away the onslaught of tears that dribbled down your face, you went on the hunt for your phone. The song 'Weird Science' rang from under your blanket laying askew on your bed, rummaging your hand under the plush material your fingers felt the hard contact of your phone. Finally gazing at the caller ID your heart froze, if the song hadn't given it away then you would have been surprised to see him calling you.

"Hey, are you coming over today? I want to show you these improvements I've made with my battle shell, I'd show my brothers buuuuuuut they never appreciate my brilliance."

You heaved a shaky breath, hearing his voice did things to your already shattered confidence. The line was quiet, realising that you hadn't said anything your brain went into overtime trying to come up with an excuse "I-I don't think I can make it Donnie I've got a lot of, erm, school work to do, yeah that's what I'm going with." You didn't want to lie to Donnie, but with the crush coming on so suddenly your mind hadn't had time to process it. Sure Donnie was a turtle, but even a turtle had standards, what would Donnie see in you besides a friend?

Ever since your feelings towards Donnie started leaning to the 'way more than friends' side, it suddenly dawned on you how you dressed and acted around him was extremely important. You couldn't just rock up in leggings and a hoody, now you had to make more of an effort. Over the past few months the guys never saw you without makeup, your excuse was that you just wanted to look nice but in reality, it was because you were ashamed of the way your face was peppered with spots and eye bags that could hold groceries for a hundred families.

The clothes, as mentioned before, changed as well. You no longer came in your oversides hoody and leggings but sometimes in jeans or a skirt, and if you were feeling a little bit of confidence, a dress. The turtles had never said anything about your sudden change and care in your appearance, the first time they saw it they thought it was a one-off; but after the fifth time that week, they knew something was up. With no debates needed, they selected Donnie to be the one to talk to you since you seemed to spend more time with him than the others.

He protested at first, quoting that he wasn't good with 'girl stuff' but when Leo gave him an unamused frown and a snarky "None of us are!" it shut him right up. For days Donnie paced back and forth in his lab thinking of ways to ask you what was wrong, he knew how stubborn you were and expected that it wouldn't be easy to get the information out of you just like that. Consouling the internet, April and even Splinter (which was a massive mistake on its own), Donnie had given up and just opted to be straight with you.

"Oh come on (Y/N) you're the only person that will listen to me about this stuff," he begged. Shaking your head, you could feel your brain laughing at you amused that you were listening to your heart and not logic. With a shaky voice, dually noted by Donnie, you gave him your reply "I-I don't know Donnie, my school work is really impor-"

"If it's that important to you just bring it with you, then maybe I can help you with it, you know, if I have time and stuff." You knew you weren't going to be able to get out of this, with an irritated groan you agreed to see him "OH, FAB-O BOOOOTS!" he yelled into his phone, causing you to wince in pain. When the call ended you stared at your phone screen, watching the illuminated screen fade away and your saddened reflection staring back up at you.

-At the lair-

Your shoes barely made a sound as you strolled into the lair, it was oddly quiet, maybe the boys aren't here? "Ah (Y/N) you made it and just in time too," Donnie's lanky frame popped out from the kitchen, his eyes shifting between you and his tech-brace. Walking to you, he wrapped his arm around your shoulder allowing him to drag you to his lab. Ignoring the blush that covered your cheeks, he continued to rant as he unwrapped his arm from around you and carried on poking his fingers against the tech-brace.

"Listen my brothers are going to be out of the lair for a while, something about finding the perfect pizza toppings, which gives me ample time to demonstrate to you all the new things I installed onto my battle shell."

You stood at the entrance of his lab, watching as he waltzed in and started digging around for some technological thing. Turning back to you, he tilted his head in curiosity, eyes tracing over your blushing form "Where's your schoolwork?" he asked with a smirk. Your eyes widened in surprise, how could you forget? I mean, sure, the school work didn't exist in the first place but Donnie didn't know that.

"I, er, I-"

"Oh give it up (Y/N), I know there wasn't any schoolwork you just wanted to-" he stopped himself, his snarky smirk quickly vanishing and replaced by a frown. His voice came out as a whisper "Avoid me." Oh how he could not be any more wrong, you wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of your life with him. But you couldn't. Donnie was many things: strong, talented, intelligent, funny and what were you? Adding on from your useless personality, what did you have to offer him physically? Some fatty thighs and a jiggly stomach.

Tears started forming in your eyes, cascading down your cheeks like a running river. Donnie faintly heard sniffing, casting a glance to you he saw you curling in on yourself. Your shoulders were bent forward, hunched around your neck, your fingers were tangled together, writhing underneath his gaze. You looked so...small.

"(Y/N)" You'd never heard Donnie's voice this soft before, not sparing him a glance you turned your back to him, "I think- I-I think I'm going to go now." Donnie bolted forward, trapping you from leaving. Finally looking up at him, Donnie saw the flare of your nostrils, the black mascara staining your cheeks. He rubbed his thumb over your soft skin, pulling it back he saw your foundation slightly smudged on his green skin. Donnie grabbed your hand and pulled you to the family bathroom muttering a small "Come with me."

It was quiet, neither of you spoke a single word as you watched him rummage around the bathroom cabinet. Hearing a muttered, "There you are.", Donnie came back to face you with a pack of make-up wipes in his hand. Lifting a wipe to your face, he saw the feral look in your eye, indicating to the wipe and then your face he asked for your permission "May I?" You meekly nodded, awed at how gently he wiped away the mask of make-up you had been wearing.

Once he was done, he turned to throw it away, catching your face in the mirror he saw how disgusted you looked. Raising a brow at you, he sat by you on the edge of the bathtub "What's going on with you recently? You've been acting...different. Did I do something? Did I cause you to change?" You were getting sick of how many times you had to push the tears away, but no matter what they still kept falling.

"I-it's not your fault D, it's just in my head. It's nothing."

"Well, it has to be something. One day you come in here not caring about the whole make-up fad and then the next day you can't leave the house without it? Did someone say something to you, is that why you decided to change?"

"They didn't have to say anything Don," you muttered, your eyes boring into his own. Donnie looked back at you, his mind running through all your interactions with him and his brothers trying to figure out who upset you and how he was going to deal with it. But what if it was him? What if he was the one that said some off-handed comment to you and you took it to heart? Donnie would never be able to forgive himself if he were the reason that you had so desperately changed.

"I...Can you elaborate?" holding the edge of the bathtub in your tight grip you shunned away from his gaze. Staring in the mirror ahead of you, your eyes trailed up your form mindlessly speaking out all the things you thought were wrong with you. Donnie listened to you throughout the whole thing, he had no idea that that's how you felt about yourself.

"-my thighs wobble and shake when I walk and I hate it, I see people out in New York all the time with their short skirts and shorts. I could never wear anything like that." Taking your silence as a cue that you finished, Donnie waded out the possible outcomes of his next words "But there's more, isn't there?" You released a shaky breath, slowly nodding your head you gaze was glued to the bathroom floor "I could never be enough for anyone, I could never be enough for you. You could never fall for me like how I fell for you, just spare me the time and go out with April or some other person better looking than me." you grumbled, anger slowly rising in your tone.

"Well, I can't do that because the most beautiful person is sat right next to me and I would be but a fool to miss such a presented opportunity." Looking back to Donnie, a soft smile on his face, you blinked up at him confused "I-I don't understand, what are you saying right now." It was more of a statement than a question, you had heard and understood what he said but you didn't believe it. Your mind had been so focused on the thought that Donnie could never be more than a friend with you, that it never even entertained the opposite thought.

"(Y/N), sure I'm a turtle and you're a human, but you are by far the best-looking human I've ever seen. So what your thighs wobble when you walk? I love it. You're so warm, like, all the time and as someone from the cold-blooded species, I appreciate that more than you'll ever know." Donnie continued to ramble on, things ranging from compliments to scientific studies of body fat and how beneficial it is. Although once he saw the confused look on your face he stopped.

Taking his hand in your own, he looked down at you fondly, smiling to himself "I like you way too much to care if you're wearing make-up or not. By the way, I love the make-up look, I really do, but I want to see the (Y/N) who would walk around in a hoody that looked like it was drowning them." Laughing at his awkward confession, you leaned forward and lightly kissed the end of his snout. Donnie turned all shades of pink as a result of your actions, making you laugh more, grabbing his hand you heaved him up and pulled him back to his lab "C'mon, you said you wanted to show me something, right?"

"But I'm not done complimenting you yet," he argued, trailing behind you like a lost puppy. Donnie stared at his hand intertwined with your own, turning your head to him, you shrugged "You can do it later." Catching up to your side, you walked to his lab in silence. Donnie gave you the side-eye muttering "You know we're not done talking about this right?", you turned your head to face him, offering him a quick wink and a seductive smile you replied, "I know."

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musical-chick-13 · 2 years

Note

What OTPs in your fandoms do you just not get? 🖤

Salty ask list.

Most of them, if we're honest.

I mean...okay, there are some that I don't get because they hit tropes I don't like. But if you like those tropes or dynamics or want this specific thing for one of the characters, I'd understand why you'd like that ship. (Like J*ime/Br*enne. Not for me, but I understand the theoretical appeal for people who are not me.)

But there are many where my feelings are, "Even if you like this trope/dynamic, I don't understand what any person could possibly get out of this." The answer to this question is for ships that fall under this category.

(NOTE: THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT I IN ANY WAY JUDGE OR HATE PEOPLE WHO DO LIKE THESE SHIPS. THEY ARE SIMPLY NOT FOR ME. I AM HAPPY FOR YOU IF YOU SEE SOMETHING I DON'T.)

Some of them are probably obvious. Raúl/Sofía from CtrlZ (which I've DEFINITELY already talked about at length), Ch*ck/Bl*ir (HE SOLD HER!! LITERALLY!!!! THERE IS NO COMING BACK FROM THAT!!!!!!!!!!!), R*ylo (if you wanted a "moral conflict from hero/villain tension, DarkShip" kind of thing, the movies didn't deliver on that because they tried to woobify him, but if you wanted fully woobified Kenneth, they didn't bother to make him likeable, so I genuinely personally don't understand how anyone could be in any way satisfied with anything that happened regarding this ship). I was never into T*n/R*se (but that's just because I didn't really care about either of these characters, and also look at what happened to the love of my life Martha as a result of it). I also am not into that era's dr/m.aster pairing for the same reason of "not really caring about the characters." j0ner*s I think had potential, but I felt like the entire development of their relationship was extremely rushed (he was her prisoner for most of it, and they were fighting for like all of season 7 and then suddenly he's like, "Oh you are EVERYTHING to me" and I was like, "dude, how." I was actually excited to see this one play out because of the differences in how they both viewed power and what J's more simple, present-oriented wants were, versus D's broader, more ambitious, future-oriented goals, as well as the fallout of their being related and how that would compare to the way everyone in-universe treated J/C, but then they just...didn't explore...any of that...at all.......)

But I think, honestly the biggest one is probably Th*smin. Like...aside from people just wanting 13 to date a woman, I cannot find any reason why someone would ship this at all. (I will henceforth refer to the "Th" part of the ship as "Th" and the other half as "Y.")

I'm going to put the rest of this under a cut because apparently I have more Things to Say™ about this than I initially thought I did. Also spoilers for the latest episode of the show in question. I won't tag them because if I do it will end up in the show tag, and some shipper will actually kill me for saying this, oh God, this is how I die isn't it, try to get Lea Salonga to sing at my funeral.

Again, this is ONLY MY OPINION, and I harbor no ill will toward anyone who likes this ship, nor do I think they're a bad person or something because that's really stupid.

Like...Oh, God, I'm going to get shot for saying this aren't I. I just don't think...their relationship is...built?? On anything???? I get Y's crush, because yeah, sometimes if you're a Super Cool Smart Wacky Alien Who Intimidates People and Shows People the Wonders of the Universe, someone is going to develop a crush on you. And I think the development of that was set up really well. But the alien in question?? She has NEVER indicated any type of romantic interest in anyone. And all of a sudden it's, "I wish we could be here forever" and "If I were to ever Settle Down™, it'd be with you" (which...girl...you did settle down...twice...once with your wife on Darillium and once watching over The Vault......like..... what..........???). She has never shared anything personal with Y and has never interacted in any way with her that was different to how she interacted with anyone else, up until this last episode. Most of Y's growth has been done apart from her supposed love interest. What is this relationship even based on???? Even people who do ship this in earnest, how could they possibly be happy with what they've gotten???????

I just...I think ultimately the thing that Bugs Me™ is that Y just doesn't...feel like a fully complete character sometimes to me. Everyone in the show keeps talking about how she's "One of the best people" and don't get me wrong, I do like her! But she's nice and competent and gets along with people, and lots of characters on this show are nice and competent and get along with people? I don't understand why she's so Special™. And that wouldn't usually be that much of a problem for me, but that Special™ness is cited as the reason why Th likes her. And then they expect me to believe that this alien lady, who has never been able to open up, discuss her emotions, or handle anything with any degree of maturity, who is practically allergic to emotional honesty, is all of a sudden willing to take the initiative, with pretty much no angst at all, to talk about her romantic relationship with a person she is full-time travelling with and thus would be extra interested in preserving the status quo with? (Presumably because, again. This character is The Most Special™. So things are Different™ in this case.)

And don't even get me started on how she clarified that statement of "one of the best people" with "even my wife." Like if you're just going to try to elevate the New Love Interest to be So Much More Important and Special and Better than the old one, I'd rather you not mention River at all. Yeah, yeah, that's probably not what Chris meant but it sure read that way on paper to me as an audience member.

I just cannot see this erratic, emotionally troubled alien who Struggles To Be Good, who is constantly going through an identity crisis, who is first and foremost a mess ever romantically bonding with someone who isn't also at least a little messy. And that's the thing. Y isn't messy. Not even a little bit. Even when they had an opportunity to introduce mess with the Mental Illness Implied Depression episode, they did nothing with it.

There's...there's not actually anything unlikable about Y at all. And so not only do these two characters seem incompatible to me, I find it very hard to be invested in Y sometimes. (See previous answer about how characters being ideal or hyper-capable will never be resonant or escapist to me.)

And I guess just (haha, getting personal, I'm so sorry I know that absolutely no one signed up for this)...why is it never people like me who get to Fall In Mutual Love With The Wacky Smart Charismatic Space Alien? Why do the people who get the Exciting Love Interests or who are seen as Desirable™ and Special™ always have to be the thin, pretty, "normal" ones under 35 who don't ever fuck up? Why do the messy characters or characters with emotional/personal issues of who have to take awhile to figure shit out never get to be happy or fall in love (if they even get written at all)? Even if a character with mental illness does get to have any of that, it's always in one context: the symptoms are crying prettily and it's not shown affecting their life in any significant way after the piece of media establishes that they have it. (Which uh, surprise surprise, is what happened here.) It's like, "Oh, mentally ill people can have Love and Happiness and Respect and Cool Story Things, but only if they come as close to resembling a neurotypical person as possible." You can't exhibit any of the ugly parts of mental illness (or really of just...being a human, really, it doesn't even have to be if you're mentally ill), because otherwise you're Not Worthy of [insert whatever happy ending trope here]. Everything women have to do to be Worthy of Love has to be Soft and Pretty and Personable and Universally Likable, and I've just seen that story too many times for it to interest me in any way anymore.

Like...Idk. There's nothing here of substance to me, and it also happens to hit basically every single trope that annoys me, so I'm just -_-

#this got kind of unhinged at the end I'm sorry #people are probably going to unfollow me for this but you know what I needed to get it out #I'M SORRY PLEASE DON'T KILL ME *cowers in corner*#anti thasmin #dw negativity #anti chibnall #(I mean like...not really?? this is just to be safe in case people have any of these tags blocked)#(I know this will end up in the ship tag but I do know people who follow me that ship this and I don't know how else to make this post #avoidable for them)#multi t(ASK)ing #also: no this pairing being canon or someone liking it is not ableism that's not what I'm saying so don't even start #god I'm so glad I turned anon off and limited replies

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captainkurosolaire · 3 years

Text

~ Mass Update ~

Mainly going into future plans and intents alongside ideas below cut.

Ton's of things I've in store this will prove difficult to vent it all out. But here we go... First off rehashing and appropriately learning to tag and organize things better on my blog. Each category will have their own corresponding content, I seek to bring or share. [Tales of Goldbrand] -- I intend this to carry a Compendium of all my writes soon that'll have everything neatly in-order including a glossary, so it'll have highlights of stories that even matter or the best stuff. I've written here for a very, long time, there's been many shifts. I want to make it more accessible. While coloring what matters for people who want to learn Captain or his Crew with less chapters. While also giving choice to find it all easily. This is essentially a step-above master-lists. I'll be doing that after the Saga I have going on, right now is done. [Captain] -- Will provide you strictly with Captain screenshots, gifs, photo-sets. This is still his blog despite the Crew thing's will sort of make this a scuffed Multi-Muse blog. I've few more things to edit and tag fix to get all his stuff though. [The Wild Crew] -- Afterwards this story is done Immortal Age Saga, It's something that I mainly wrote as a passion project within three days to get my warm-up process fixed. It's to allow me to get a feel for all his Crewmates and casts, in combat, in-general, to feel their presences. While also giving a bit of their backstories. At any point, I can go back and polish or tweak things in. They're NPC's but... not entirely. All will have their own 'Dreams' and their own 'Disapproval's' they have their own missions even. These things will factor eventually, they might set seeds, to betray or disagree with something, but that's all angst and more stories to be created, but overall, they'll probably always be Crew, eventually. -- I plan on making character-profile sheets of them and putting them in this Tab, it'll have their screenshots, their likes/dislikes. Some RP partners or people can also be shipped with them, but they'll all be monogamous and originally start off probably Pan. This allows them to figure out what they like on their own stories. I've always been someone who likes organic-flow. Although this one story contain all 16 characters or more, the rest will probably be shortened to a Squad of 4 and dispersed when on adventuring missions. Until I do a War Arc, that's my main goal to build too. [Roster] -- Will contain this Crew in just screen-sets dedicated to them, I'll probably randomly produce those. I've PC players among this Crew too. I may not be done either adding more, but this Crew is mainly built around Quality. Most pirate crew's mainly, have hundreds, thousands. Even Fleets. This Crew has personalities, monsters, people who are living life's that exist with piracy. He's an particular leader that had PC players the same way, he's had split-personality serial killers aboard, tribal chieftains, succubus, all sorts of various people once on a Crew. It's often an outcast style, pirates default are chaotic in nature, so this really isn't any different, it's a Fantasy version of it. There's humanization characters aboard too though, so this cast is really decked, everything and person is vital, they matter because they remind or covet something that others can draw upon. If ever played (Three Houses or Mass Effect / Dragon Age Origins) A lot of things like that are relatable too this structure and format. Which, Is something I want to be able to give when RPing. I want a genuine feel of this new world someone else's muse will be the main-character too. Depending on what's interacting everything they'll be scale appropriately to follow the genre they're in and environment even. [Aesthetics] -- Already explainable what you'll find here. [Asks] -- Same thing. [Prompts] -- Trivial things I was tagged too, I plan on compiling later. [Writing] -- Another alternatively to randomly go-down and it works right now. [Logs] -- Will have more individualistic master-lists and posts there, my poems from Sheik Sphere the Bard, etc.

Things of that nature, I'll probably add still. It's where a lot of my creative writing is summed. [Gems of Hydaelyn] -- My main #tag for other characters and artists, creationist. Lot of amazing people easily to find their zones or follow them optionally if you like. Ton's I intend to support and bolster, be a lot less unspoken. I'm never the type who's been strictly inclusive. But I'll do that when I've time to even explore the dash, I'm always still planning ahead with things and projects. [CKS] My original character-sheet it's outdated on something's but not too terrible. I'll give him polishing someday, I swear? [21+F-List] -- Just purely degenerate stuff of Captain. I'm a pirate blog. I will represent that with openness and furthermore. I'm never projecting you some false-image. I started off a smut-writer by stripping that, I no-longer represent the same aura and identity. But those are strictly his stuff and kinks, I'm effective in executing them but they're not all relatable to me OOC. This blog will always be 18+ containing crude or dark material sometimes, romantic things, this Captain is blunt, will literally put his cock on the table in conversations. Swearing and being censored would be too uncommon and displace most of him, but there's more about him then all this. [Other] -- I pay homage to a lot of characters, I originally am a Concept Designer. Which mean's I make characters and ideas like my addiction. Bad characters / villains or other little things I like to share in designs, I'll put there. Some villains might get little photo-sets, even if they died. Just cause I like their design, or maybe I'll give them an AU, where they won. When I've wrapped up things. [Collabs + Ships] -- Is a new project idea. This isn't going to be something limited too romantic only ships. It'll contain, platonic, romantic, friendships, rivals, frenemies, family, PC Crew, all ships. I am desperately working on improving my gif, screenshot, posing game so I can supply 'Screen Stories' this is not only a way to RP that's accessible with even people who are upon time-crunches from work, It gives visual-representation. To impactful stories shared with others and establish bonds. That are all-valid and impactful matter. Lot of people take a lot of their characters attributes into them and are them dialed up, I work with that and bit more, differently. I'm disconnected from my characters and they'll get hurt and injured and killed by me, that's my duty as their Author to give them conflicts and struggles. I'm their major antagonist, but that doesn't mean at-all, it's always SET that way. The characters I like to make have their own life, they live in this setting and are abide by it, they're often nothing, nobodies, and by the interacting with others, they slowly gradually building, more... Through emotional impacts, they alter, these are REAL people by all their beliefs. Each person they come in-contact with are legitimate and treated like that too. They've always impacted or given them insights to grow, or represent more. Otherwise it'd be criminally disrespectful if I allowed any emotional I felt OOC be the grudge to something IC. Captain in-particular is set on defying me. I cannot have that. ...But I can't stop him. He's met and encountered so many people and lived so many scenarios based on the actions of others, he's giving a chance right now to actually do things a lot further than impossible. The more people he meets and encounters, experiences, the more I lose. These stories are emotionally interactive where everything is a factor and adds to the dice, where the other people are the one who get to roll the dice for him, not me. That's something I want to color in. People range in emotions, they have their down's, ups, their own wholesome-grounding people, spending time with your favorite people, there's nothing more cherishing than that, being in your own comfort-zone or 'safe-space' these are all treasures that we live under, today. Contrary if what people assume of me, I'm not another 'blogger' that's came

before, who's wanting to force a harem, then constantly is bewildered when that falls to pieces cause of selfishness or a lack of communication, or the skeletons they have in their closets and beliefs they hid behind and swindled fooled everyone. I'm not looking to be popular or anything really, I just create stories and want to share in those, and I want to also boost others included, upward with me, especially those who make me. There's no ego in anything I do, this is purely love. I've never cared about being replicated or duplicated, I've had stalkers, I've gone through more then anyone would imagine, I've been used OOC and abused, just for my writing and cold-harshly told, i'd never amount to anything other then that or vice-versa. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Passion. That's all I got and am anymore. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Passion is the hardest thing to keep. It's something that can be stolen, quite effortlessly. Few words of discouragement, a bad negative representation, a lack of confidence, or small amount of time, there's many thing's that can put that flame out. Once you lose it. The difficulty to reattain is hundred-times harder than climbing any mountain for real. I've watched the greatest creators crumble from under the pressure, from beaten down by others. I watched many of them do it to themselves because they put a grand vision of needing validation of another and once lost, felt uncompelling to press onward. But passion also can be given BACK and drawn. It can be shown and encourage others, with a soft-triggering, that pushes them. That motivates, that constantly sticks to it. There are many that fuel me. If I ever quit, I let them down, I spit in the faces of people who're better than me in every-way. Or people who've came and given me their precious Time. That have given their character's or dedication to the abundant stories and community-driven things I've done. There's ONLY things you can do, create, give and provide. It cannot ever come to life without YOU. This is a fact. ...I swear, If you let your creativity soar, you'll be amazed by the heights you get. Constantly polish and learn and hone the best you, challenge yourself day after painstaking day, to draw better improvement on something, no matter how trivial or unfamiliar you are. You'll find a confidence only you can give yourself. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Future Plans --------------------------------------------------------------------- For me, I've got so much more stories to give and also explore, I might be taking up soon some other artists and more skilled people from community and hire them for some of my future writes, to up my game or cause something thing's can't be done in-game cause no background carries it. I also got a lot of-set up things and more angst stuff I want to practice, plus I'm adamantly on that grind to produce screen-sets with the intent's to some sort of improving daily. Additionally more people I'll be reaching out too soon for these collab's ideas and things. I look forward to shaking your hands, giving some hugs, show you my respect and admiration, then creating some enchanting stories and giving plots light. Feel free to reach out to me, I get scattered-brain but I'm working on getting better about it. Eventually will get to you though, my goals, if uninterested just say so when I poke, no bites, unless you kinky. Anyways, cheers hearties.

#ooc #update #future plans stuffz #ToG #Work on thinking of daily practice now

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marindram · 3 years

Text

full transcription of Marin's blog from Omega Mart!

huge thanks to @b0chelly for recording a scroll-through, which i typed this out from. (and warning for Omega Mart lore/story spoilers. second half is in reblog)

Marinknows.best

Location: Seven Monolith Village

Last Login: 12/31/2019

Profile Views: 101,275

About me: I love listening to music and glitter

Friends (0)

June 26, 2018

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeee!

So 14 feels way different than 13. For real. I think it's because I was expecting 13 to feel different, but sometimes when you expect something it turns out the opposite ya know?

Plus, 13 is like, "I'm new to being a teenager!!"

14 is more like, "I'm becoming the person I want to be." At least that's how I want it to be. I wanted to start this blog as a record of all that.

I should ask Did you guys feel the same way when you turned 13 and 14?

But probably nobody's gonna read this because I'm just a weirdo in the weird dessert. I mean, I know my best friend Jesse is reading this (hi Jesse). Besides her, crickets.

But yeah, if you are reading this and you don't know me - I live in Seven Monolith Village, a teensy tiny town that you've only heard of if you're into aliens or homesteading. And I'm literally stuck. As in, I'm physically unable to leave. My first memories are of all the adults in my life (Charlie, my great-uncle/father-figure - Rose, my what? Roommate? Mother-figure? Pseudo-aunt? All of the above? and my mom, Cecelia. who doesn't live here) telling me that for some reason, there's something wrong with me that makes it so I can't leave a certain radius of where we live. I got older and thought that they were just exaggerating to keep me safe, but then last year I tried. And it was, let's just say not good.

Anyway. That part of my life sucks, but not everything sucks. This year is all about Marin Dram 2.0. Not new, but definitely improved.

And maybe someday, somehow somebody will read this and care about what I have to say. Somebodies, even. Until then, this is Marin Dram signing off and sending my lame contemplations into the void!

July 1, 2018

Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 20 (and some of these will never happen like are literally unable to happen but JUST LET ME DREAM

1. Kiss someone (who???)

2. Meet HTB (kiss him) (jk he would never) (plus meeting him would be enough)

3. Go to Paris

4. Go to Rome (or somewhere cooler in Italy, look up where is the best pasta???)

5. Go to Greenland (why not???)

6. Go to New York City

7. Go to LA (with a dream and my cardigan lol)

8. Go to the Grand Canyon (this isn't mine, but 9, Jesse is sitting right here and she went to the GC when we were 12 and she's like blah blah blah it's my favorite place in the world and you'll love it. I'm doing this so she'll shut up.

9. Live in a normal house with normal rooms → ideally 12 of them: living room AND TV room, kitchen, dining room, 3 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, study/library.

-plus an upstairs downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I got my own

-plus an upstairs/downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I get my own room with an actual door. Very into doors.

10. Go to a mall (Jesse says there's a bunch of bonkers ones in Vegas)

11. Make friends who aren't Jesse (no offense, Jesse)

12. Get Cecelia (my "mom") to teach me about business stuff so I can open my own cool coffeeshop/bookstore someday

13. Learn to drive (ask Charlie to teach me, he's obsessed with his truck) (Jesse says she can teach me because she's Little Miss Mechanic and thinks she knows everything about cars but news flash Jesse: you're you get than me)

14. Figure out my signature style- like I want people to send me pictures of things and be like "this just screamed Marin" and for that to be true

15. Liquid eyeliner??

16. I'm stopping here because I just read over all this and want to die/cry because easily 3/4 of these are literally impossible?

17. Kill me

18. Bye

19. Lololol Charlie just came in and I was complaining about this, not being able to leave and stuff, etc and he said that I should visit new places by... reading books?? And I mean I like to read. But dude. That's the dumbest thing I've ever head.

July 30, 2018

Okay so this is what I want my life to look like:

I want a pink room. Not just pink... P I N K. Cool pink wallpaper (floral? jacquard??), pink carpet, lots of pink flowers everywhere, a four-poster bed with a pink silk canopy, lots of cool pink throw pillows. Like, so pink that

people think I'm being sarcastic! Oh, and BOOKS. Floor-to-ceiling bookcases, and some of the shelves have, like, STUFF on them that isn't books, like gifts people gave me, or things I've collected on my JOURNEYS. You know, normal stuff that people who live on normal places and do normal things have.

If I lived in in this room, it'd be in awhite three-story house at the end of a cul-de-sac (did you know "culs-de-sac" is the plural? Not "cul-de-sacs"? crazy) and I'd wear very classic girly clothes and my hair would always do what I wanted it to. It'd be one of those towns that people call small, but it's actually a city. just one with a kinda small, cozy feeling. Somewhere that gets cold enough to wear cute jackets but not so cold I have to to like, shovel my driveway. Not a non-place with like 100 people where you can't even go outside without going crazy.

August 2nd, 2018

I guess I should explain where I live, for all my avid fans out there! (lol) (hello??)

So like... I don't live on Earth. At least, not the Earth you think of when you think of EARTH. I live in some some weird off-brand version of Earth called the Forked Earth where there are aliens and magic wells of magic energy and everything is MAGIC but like the crappy kind of magic, where the sun never fully rises and some goo called "runoff" has made everything wacky and oh yeah, my mom is responsible for that and everyone here hates her!! LOL

Also, I can't leave! Like, literally can't! Rose says I'm a "special child of Source" and that's why but that LITERALLY explains tells me nothing, in fact it just raises further questions that no one can seem to answer! AHHHHHHHHHH

Anyway, the last time I tried to leave I felt. When I try to leave I feel like I'm being pulled back by something, like you know those old cartoons where someone's on stage doing something dumb and then someone offstage pulls them away with a giant shepard's crook? It felt like that, and when I opened my eyes I was back in 7 Monolith Village. UGH.

I know this sounds crazy!!!!! But believe me when I say that I am the least crazy person here. Also, """here""" is C R A Z Y. Runoff has made everything the bad kind of psychedelic and then people here actually DRINK IT! Not only do I not DRINK THE STUFF THAT HAS MADE THE WORLD INSANE, I also do not talk to aliens (or whatever Nula are) like Rose or believe crazy conspiracy theories like Charlie, so I believe that qualifies me as the most normal person in the Forked Earth, thank you for this honor, I accept this award with humility and grace!

September 4, 2018

I had the weirdest dream last night?? I was swimming in a pool full of cereal, and when I came up for air, my mom was pouring milk on my head like she was rinsing my hair. She had her hand over my face like I was a little kid and she was shielding me from soap getting in my eyes.

Anyway I have no idea what it's supposed to mean. I went to bed hungry and I need to take a shower? Lol

October 16, 2018

I was trying to hide this entry from Jesse, but JESSE IS A NOSY PERSON. She says that blogs are for readers, and if I wanted something to be private then I should "Just write in a fucking notebook and hide it under your bed like a normal person, Marin." I'm allowed to have secrets!! Anyway, I'm making her a freaking playlist, that's why I wouldn't tell her what I was writing about. but EVEN STILL! I'm allowed to have secrets!! But I have this blog because I wanna get my feelings out, I wanna see everything in my head typed out all nice in a way that doesn't make it look insane. You know? I don't know who I'm asking.) Because, it's not like I go to a normal school or have a normal life where I'm surrounded by normal people I can talk to. No one knows about me! I'm trapped in this crazy place and This blog is my only outlet to the world outside. I KNOW that's heavy but it's true! The point is: Jesse's birthday is coming up. The central consistent thing in pretty much my whole life is sharing headphones with her and listening to music. The soundtrack to my entire existence is her. I wish I had money and could buy her the best presents of all time, but I can make her the best playlist of all time. I want it to be so good it feels like magic. I want her to think I'm magic. I had another dream the other night. I don't remember much, just glitter. I must be crafting too much. Or looking at festival makeup tutorials. Or both.

November 12, 2018

WARNING- Weird thoughts ahead, lol.

I can never tell which feelings are normal, and which are me being a giant weirdo. But for as long as I can remember, I've had this feeling like every part of my body that's possible to have a ribbon tied around it, has a ribbon tied around it. It's so weird. I can't see the other end of the ribbons - how far they go. where they're attached, nothing. And sometimes it's fine, because sometimes I can hardly feel them. I can forget about them for days at a time, weeks, months if I'm lucky. But then other times I can feel them like, pulling at me. It's freaking spooky, to have something pulling at you from somewhere you can't see. I can't tell if it's pulling me toward whatever it is? Or if it's trying to warn me? Or if I'm just insane??

Does that make sense? Does anybody else feel that way? (she asks into the void)

So idk I guess this ribbons-feeling is why I'm really careful all the time. Like I'm just a careful person. Charlie tried to give me a hard time about it, and I can't be like "I don't wanna pull back in the ribbons too hard without realizing it and wreck something!" because he'd be like "WTF Marin, do we need to get you help?" But also, more and more, I want to be the opposite of careful. I want to take a pair of comically oversized scissors and cut the ribbons into so many pieces that nobody can even tell what they are any more.

I don't know why I'm such a freak, only that I am. I don't know why I can't leave 7 Monolith, only that I can't. But there must be a reason, even if I can't see it, and I feel like it makes sense that the ribbons-feeling is part of that reason, right?

There's just a lot.

January 15, 2019

Happy new year! Lol I forgot to write on the actual first day of 2019, but OH WELL!

I got this new glitter nail polish, thanks to the monthly makeup subscription box my "mom" sends me as an outlet for her abandonment guilt. It has like, every color glitter imaginable without quite reading as "rainbow" which is fine just not really what I was in the mood for and it's vaguely halographic and shifts into all these different colors depending on the light. I'm obsessed. Anyway.

I was putting on another layer because I chipped it like 20 minutes into wearing it, and all of a sudden I had this feeling like I recognized the glitter? Like I felt this thing way deep in my gut and for a minute I couldn't breathe. It's the closest thing I've felt to how books and movies make Christmas look. Like I was home, with family, cookies and cider and all that stuff. Familiar and safe. I almost didn't recognize that feeling. And it came from the nail polish. How weird is that.

I mean, I don't want to make it sound like I've had this awful Charles Dickens childhood - Rose and Charlie are the best ever and always there for me and I love them a lot. But things never feel like...home. You know?

My mom always says this cryptic stuff about how I'm "special" and I wanna strangle her because I'm not, but you try getting my mom to stop doing anything she wants to do. Rose told me once that one day, I would "lead the charge into a new era of existence and access" because I'm "of the Source" and I was like uhhhh okay?? Charlie mostly treats me pretty normal, except when I ask him questions about our family. my mom or any Dram. He knows that I want to know more about them and he's my only real entrypoint, but apparently he's like the black sheep of that whole family. He and my mom were close way back right before I was born, but now whenever she comes to visit he barely even looks at her.

So that's to say: nobody tells me anything, ever.

January 16, 2019

Okay this is so weird. I wrote that entry yesterday about glitter and then last night I dreamed about glitter. Then I woke up with purple glitter in my bed?? Like not a lot, so at first I thought it was from my nail polish, but it was just a handful of purely purple glitter that looks nothing like my nail polish. SO WEIRD!!!!!!

February 14, 2019

Rose has an old book full of "ye olde" style fairy tales, and I flipped through it for the first time in forever today.

Not so weirdly, I've always been drawn to the story of Rapunzel.

Rapunzel couldn't leave the tower, or else she'd break her neck and die.

Same.

February 19, 2019

I was reading this article the other day in one of the teen magazines my "mom" gets me a subscription to and it was all about body positivity, which is great, but it was basically just like "wear a crop top if you wannna wear a crop top! it doesn't matter what size you are! You go, girl!" And like, sure. Yes. I am all for that. But doesn't it seem like there are some steps missing in there? Like, I can physically put on a crop top and wear it outside. But how do I convince myself that everybody isn't looking at me and making fun of me in their minds? How do I unlearn the last almost-fifteen years? How do I get actually positive about my body, not just put on a crop top and fight the urge to cry all day?

It's the same thing like when my mom sends me brochures from the CEO camp she ten when she was my age (her dad started the camp for her, which is an insane thing just by itself, but she did all the work, which is even more insane) and she's like "Marin, you lack direction for your life" and I'm like, cool mom. Yeah. I can see that. What I can't see is how to get there from here.

March 2, 2019

This is what I want my life to look like, volume 2:

The walls of my room are covered in Polaroids of me and my friends. There are lots of mirrors in all kinds of shapes. hearts and moons and stars. There's a record player and a lot of vintage records by Billie Holiday and Lena Horne and Peggy Lee and Nina Simone. And Christmas lights! Everywhere! Lots of of pink and purple Christmas lights everywhere.

If I lived in this room, I'd have so many friends and be part of so many clubs. My best friend would have a collection of vintage cameras, and every place we go to that has a photo booth, we'd get photos taken. Every time I'd look at myself in one of those mirrors, I'd feel happy at what I see and never weird or sad. (Jesse hates taking pictures, so even when I actually do normal stuff with her there's no evidence. What even is a life supposed to be without evidence? That's not an actual question you need to answer Jesse, it's just a question)

Anyway, if I lived in this kind of room, my mom would probably be like, an art history professor at a liberal arts college. That's how come everything looks so cool, because I would know stuff about art. My mom and I would love to try new recipes together. We get each other new cookbooks for every special occasion, and right now we're working out way through a Moroccan one. Moroccan Mondays.

In actuality, there's a dust storm happening outside and my eyes sting.

March 9, 2019

Here's what I'm obsessed with lately.

Can. You. EVEN???

February 3, 2020

Omg I totally forgot this blog existed!!

I lost the password and instead of just resetting it I got in one of my super stubborn moods (Taurus moon lol) and just kept putting in guesses and jokes on me, it locked me out. Anyway, that's a boring story.

But my friend Ximena is really good at hacking and stuff, so she got me back in. Yeah you read that right - I have friends. Obviously a lot has happened since my last post. Ximena moved out here a couple months ago (X's family used to live here but they moved away a while ago) and she introduced me to Lora who I sorta-not-really already knew, and Jesse and I have been hanging out with them a ton. Jesse kind of more than me. Which is fine!!

Anyway I'm 15 now? If I lived somewhere normal I'd be psyched about almost being 16, because I'd get a car and have a Sweet Sixteen and eat a huge PINK cake, but I don't!

February 16, 2020

I read this fanfic the other night that was written in the second person so everything was like "you." "you're doing this" etc you know?

So... You go to a drive-in movie with Heartthrob Boy, and he spills soda on you by accident. And you take off your shirt ( you have a tank top on, don't worry) to clean it up, bit you're still all sticky and self-conscious about being sticky and HTB like... used his tongue to get it off??? AAHHHHH I'M DISGUSTING

but also I wonder if a boy will ever touch any part of me with his tongue

March 2, 2020

Hi I don't know if you heard but I have friends :)))

March 15, 2020

I think I'm so into painting my nails and doing my hair because those are things that always fit. I don't have to worry about places not carrying about a size 8, or places that carry XLs but when you read the measurements they're actually size 8s too and it's like jesus if that's an XL what am I

My "mom" was confused why I needed new pants because mine still look new, but I showed her the thigh holes and she was like "that's a weird place for a hole, how did that happen" and I realized that when your legs are a certain size, you just don't know about thigh rub and what it does to clothes. Pants could just last for years.

No matter what, I can paint my nails with a different color nail polish on every finger, and I can always do a braid crown. And I know I'm cute as hell, etc, so this is not a Marin Needs to Learn to Love Herself thing. It's just an UGH thing

April 17, 2020

So Rose does all these Source experiments on plants and flowers and stuff. Tbh, it's just one if those things I hardly even register anymore because it's just always there. She's explained to me a million times what Source is/does/means, but the way Rose explains things sometimes is just a LOT to take in and she refers to me as a "child of Source" but I kinda figure that's like "child of God" right? What else would that mean?

But anyway, it's really annoying because dried flowers are a part of my new aesthetic and I pinned a bunch of them up on my wall but I woke up this morning to a freaking jungle of very alive flowers. I freaked out. on Rose, and she Rose said she didn't do it and I was like WELL THEN WHO DID and she said that I did??

Which like. Obviously that doesn't make sense. I asked her what she meant and She just shook her head and said " It's happening. We should have known" which is some horror movie shit that she refused to elaborate on. I love to feel safe and normal!!

Or maybe it's not a horror movie at all. But maybe it's a superhero movie? Maybe there's some kind of origin story I don't know about yet, and all of this will be worth it once I figure out my powers. I wonder what my costume will look like. Lol.

April 23, 2020

Is it possible to die from longing? I know that sounds melodramatic, but I'm also kinda serious?? Because it seems like one of those things that could fester and get infected and kill you. It's like when you fall down and bang up your knee, and you need to put a band-aid on the scrape for a while, but THEN you need to air it out - but how do you know when you're supposed to do each one of those things? And if you do either one too much, your knee gets infected. What if I smother my heart with band-aids for too long and it gets infected? This isn't about anybody. I just keep having these dreams about someone I never expected to have dreams about and they're so intense that they keep leaking into my life and I wonder if I need to do something about them.

May 2, 2020

So Jesse's gotten really into metal music, and I tried to get her to play me something since, AS PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED, that's what we've literally ALWAYS DONE with music and each other, and she kinda looked at Ximena out of the corner of her eye and said like "I don't think it's really your thing" And it was the meanest thing anybody's ever said to me.

So later I looked up Zenion, the band she was talking about, and I listened to every single fucking song they've ever recorded turned up as loud as it could go with my own headphones that are better than hers anyway, and I loved it. And I didn't love it just because she said I wouldn't. I loved it because it was loud and weird and wild and when I listened to it it made me feel like it's not crazy when so feel stuff so hard it's like my heart's gonna vibrate out of my body. And I would have told Jesse all this and we could have shared it, but I guess she thinks just because I like HTB and glitter and stuff, I don't have the capacity for anything else.

She clearly doesn't know me at all. So much for any kind of whatever, why would she ever want to kiss someone she clearly sees as like a stupid baby.

May 7, 2020

The dreams are getting weirder and they're happening more. I'm getting scared to go to sleep. Not that the dreams are always scary (they almost never are, or not scary like in a typically scary horror movie way). I mean, I've only ever been me. I don't know what other peoples' dreams are like.

The other night in one I was jumping on a trampoline, which is something I've never done in real life. I told Rose about it when I woke up, and she said "do you even know how to jump on a trampoline?" and I said "Rose, it's not like riding a bike. You don't have to learn. You just jump." and then we got into this whole thing about how some things we just know, and jumping's one of them, and how that's so weird. Sometimes I really like talking to Rose about stuff.

May 19, 2020

So, it's prom season in the real world. If I lived somewhere normal, my prom dress would be pink with lots of tulle and silk flowers at the shoulders, and it would fit perfectly and trying in dresses would be fun and not anxiety-inducing.

But since there are only like 10 teenagers currently in 7MV, were not having a homecoming. Cool.

May 27, 2020

So, mom came to visit this weekend, and I asked her about her prom. She was Typical Cecelia at first, very "Prom is a waste of time and money, Marin. It's a night when lesser people play dress-up to engage with their aspirations of grandeur." And I was like eyeroll forever and just stopped talking. BUT THEN she actually talked to me like a human being. She was like, "I actually didn't go to my prom" and when I asked her why she said that she didn't have a date, and was very self-conscious about it. I almost passed out at her admitting that she's ever been anything less than perfect.

(gonna continue this in reblog)

#omega mart #marin dram #omega mart lore

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