#like how am I out of touch with what everyone else on Tumblr likes I thought we were all entering our golden years together

[ferviduspizza]

I love that shittysawtraps post that's going around rn like "you can make a character playlist for any character but you can't use Mother Mother or Lemon Demon" and then every reblog is like "and for a REAL challenge, don't use any of THESE wildly popular artists, either" and then proceeds to list twenty artists I've never heard of in my life

#I don't even have esoteric music taste like 90% of my music diet is big name k-pop girl groups/artists #like how am I out of touch with what everyone else on Tumblr likes I thought we were all entering our golden years together

[nickywhoisi]

Hi again everyone. I have returned, maybe just momentarily, to let you know where I’ve been.

I took a lot of time off for myself to have a “redo” of my life. How this went was that, from Aug 20, I finally felt like I was free, moreso than I had in my life, and that was the best starting point for me to choose that year as 1993, my birth year. I have, through all of this time including now, realize that I have ultimately been battling a giant war against life for the sake of keeping pure and keeping corrosion out. And I mean NIGHTMARISH LEVELS OF CORROSION. It’s so hard for me to put those exact experiences into a perfect pure-feeling term, but basically it’s been like that for a shockingly long time...and one of the things that was so corroded was my own past and childhood. I desired to have a “reset” wherein I got to control life and my timespan for a while, and devote it entirely to the keepsakes I have from those times. I was beginning again, starting over with my life just how I wanted, and I let myself be a little baby for a while, then transition each day to adolescence, teenhood and then adulthood. It was all finally at my own pace. Though even then, the rare times I had to step outside meant that it had to be the current year again for a while, and I still ran across what I now know to be corrosion confrontations, which were sometimes so bad, I had to switch a year, and let it pass until the next day where I would redo it as well. I’m just glad that this plan worked out and it all fit into september before the last few days of the month.

There was also two giantly damaging events that occurred on the 26th...a certain governmental event I couldn’t afford to miss and was getting so stressed about (because I haven’t been feeling more than I can handle of that), and this resulted in me believing I needed to protect my most precious keepsakes, among which, my art and my videogame collection. This was from MY ENTIRE LIFESPAN, including my reset! And all I did was park somewhere where I thought it was going to be safe and untouched. But it so happened to be a kindergarten with apparently a private parking rule that I didn’t know about (and sadly, that part of the corrosive error is on me because I didn’t think to take some time to ask if it was okay, I was just too worried about being on time (additionally, I am aggravated that if I were not left in such a precarious situation, I would not have been so stressed out and thus careless about where I parked!)), and by the time I had a free moment to think about it, I checked on what was going on with my chosen parking space...and I got the shocking news that this asian prick decided, also at the fault of the police ordering him to, to THROW OUT MY THINGS WITHOUT ONCE WAITING FOR ME TO BE PRESENT TO EXPLAIN MYSELF. I had to run out of breath to that place, only to be confronted by the guy who did the deed AND look at the abject horror and misery that my two makings; my very history of being alive, my two greatest and purest of life’s passions...were thrown into a giant garbage bin without an iota of care. Not even an understanding that these items were covered in MY NAME, showing it defacto belonged to me, and nobody had the right to make the decisions they did. And what was all the worse was that I had every right to be livid at the guy and chew him out for what corrosive display he wrought on my HISTORY, MY PROOF OF BEING ALIVE ON THIS HELL ROCK, but he seriously thought he had any right to bombard me with angry accusatory words and ideas, as if he was openly victim blaming me for something I could barely pay attention to over the sound of my own crippling depression...how could I not continuously explode when I had to cry while rifling through the garbage and make sure that I rescued all of my poor keepsakes that I NEVER ONCE WANTED OR WAS PREPARED TO SEE AMONGST GARBAGE WHERE NONE OF IT BELONGS, all the while having my suicidal levels of stress upset and discomfort pressured even more by this unfeeling demon ch*** who never had a shred of shame for what he did saying the most useless, unhelpful and distressing things, likely on purpose, which naturally made me want to swipe at him with a cardboard box lid JUST TO GET HIM TO SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME IN PEACE. But that is when he said the worst thing; you stop or I call the police. I was screaming myself hoarse, wailing in such impossible misery, all because he refused to stop causing coarse corrosive stress towards me, and he was actually de-existing me. What de-existing me means, is that he was actively trying to delegitimize EVERYTHING that was happening to me right there. His profound offenses horrified me as these would never stop coming from him. I feel that this is the type of homonid,,,this inhuman thing, this “flesh homunculus”...is the very thing that I will have to kill one day in order for such corrosions in life to permanently stop, as I want. I got all of my posessions back, but it can’t feel like a true victory until I see this creature gone, and all like it. Please don’t worry about what this means. It just basically means I’ve figured out how to get rid of the things weighing down on my mind for good.

Sadly, just another one of these things bled it’s way into ruining another event that was supposed to remain pure. Some user who I don’t know at all made a heinous reply about me being “such a manchild” over a post subject that I had done nothing more than say my piece on, state that I would not accept anyone trying to @ me over having what just seemed to be different from the crowd opinion, and leave it at that. I learned that on some monday, around the time I left to give myself that long-needed break, I was entirely treated like trash, only fueling yet more of what I have lately been feeling...rather, I should say I’ve been collapsing under the weight of. I already feel bad enough that there are sociopaths like this on the world who troll and are so good at trolling that I do feel very defaced and wounded by. What hurts me even worse than that though, is the timing in which this happened. The one precise moment where all that has happened is processed, or as well as it can, that nothing else is going on, and I thought I had a free chance to muster up the courage and retry from where I left off. I gave this place just one more chance, or at least see how all of my friends are doing, only to see there is proof that people on tumblr, or perhaps tumblr itself, is no longer the place I thought I could have to be safe and I am surrounded by corroded sorts who don’t want me here, as a poor damaged person on the side of purity. I was about to say that I’m a pure person, but that would not be so true. I just want to be good and clear in my soul, and the corrosions of all life, from sirens and sickening-acting people in real life, the fact that real life has so much badness going on that it’s all become besmirched, to here online where corrosion and policing seem to have concaved everything to the point where nowhere is good and pure enough to promise the level of safety and comfort that I need most. Even Gaia online, another legacy site that I frequented from my life’s history as well, suddenly proved on the 25th that it apparently hated me for having a pure connection with it and for some reason hates me for not wanting to support it’s bad practises with money. Apparently they really are the scum who did not pay or support their artists the way they should, and it shows now in the latest “game” they have going on now.

So it’s a real damn shame, but I have to maybe...just never come back here. Ever again. Not seriously anyway. I wanted to do so much more here though. I wanted to be able to be like all of you, my friends, and you amazing artists in the choo choo groop, or the ttte/rws fandom for those unfamiliar. And be like VoiceBoss/Coco, and all of the other cool batman fandom artists too. Just happily posting my art, getting to know everyone, never having anything bad happen that would lead to a confrontation. But someone who bypassed the way I was trying so hard to curate my experiences here made me face the fact that I need a place where not just anyone is able to throw me out of a good thing, by any means. So I must look elsewhere, as I said, for a truly safe, quiet bubble to call my own and to get every ounce of relief and healing relaxation that has been so unreasonably denied of me. This sucks royal.

I believe the last things I might want to take care of is reblogging everything I have in my likes, catching up with my pals, letting y’all know about stuff, having one last farewell party to this blog, and...if I can manage it, I may only post my art/links to where I will be posting art from now on. Cause the last thing I want to do is promise good things I’d share, and then never make do. I’m not perpetuating that cycle of abuse after being a victim of it, no fucking way gang

https://www.pixiv.net/en/users/86557536

#god the corrosion is what never ends #that's apparently what I was talking about then #but I can finally categorize this kind of crumbling stress...which is why I can finally colllect myself again #and now I'm leaving behind what I know is part of that whole mess #I've luckily been getting way better at recognizing red flags knowing what's wrong and cutting them out from my life #I'm upset that I am losing what feels like a pure dream here #that was just...being part of the cool kids and being able to know what it's like to be just like everyone else for once #but I am also glad to get rid of a source of bad trouble #let's face it I was making a lot of posts that just illustrated how upset and unfulfilled I was and not even here was being helpful #tumblr is indeed a hellsite but not the fun kind #I have yet to even see a fun kind for that matter #But...I still want to have a way to keep in touch with all of you #because Nick does not abandon their friends #just go to the above links and you can see where I'll be #I hate literally everyone else with a fury uncategorized by civilization but I love you all just as strongly #because you're part of the few whom are actually paying attention to me and being at all caring about me #I recognize that and I want to do my best to show that it's not a mistake to invest in me #it's just been absurdly hard to find the right platform for me :/ #please stay tuned for now! we're gonna have a post dump in a sec

[inkskinned]

it's just that there's a few more steps you have to take that other people don't have to take, but they don't see the steps, so they think you should be able to hop from moment to moment, a chickadee.

it isn't getting out of bed. it is the weight, the hook in your chest, the anchor. you have to move the anchor first. you have to silence your alarm, but your phone is in your hand, which means now you have to put the phone down, which is too-hard. you get stuck in there for a while, the white screen, mindlessly scrolling. you don't even like this activity, have tried a few other options but - here you are, and time is passing.

you've googled iron deficiency causes depression and if i drink enough water does it help with mental illness and anxiety but no caffiene within the last two weeks, like how you googled am i gay quiz at 17.

it isn't just calling the doctor back, it's the anxiety, it's these little moths in your lung cavities, furious and fluttering. you need to figure out how to capture your fingers from between their nervous bodies. you are an adult, you can say the words yes hi, i'm calling because i need - but you need to practice first. maybe write it down because what if you misspeak, wouldn't that be embarrassing. write it down, but you need to find a pen first. well, actually, your desk is kind of messy. you should get a new pen. you should get a new organizational system. you should try journaling.

your grades in school were always strange. the way teachers would say things like it feels like you're not trying. you could touch stars in the stuff you cared about. well, sometimes. god be willing. homework average zero. oops! your english teacher's wrinkled brow: i know you know this stuff. what the fuck are you doing?

it isn't the showering, it's the mirror before the shower and the soft horrible pull of your naked physique. you have to avoid eye contact completely or else it'll be 93 minutes later and you'll have picked at your skin until every little pore is bleeding. you have to stand up but standing is tiring and also you should have remembered to buy more soap but you never remember anything. maybe get out of the shower and while it's still running and you're still dripping wet, use your phone to take a note. make a note to get your groceries. let the shower run while you stand half-in half-out and get lost in your phone for a moment. come back out when the water runs cold and now you have to sprint to get ready.

your grandmother's frown. you're just being lazy. protestant work ethics in a house that isn't even protestant. she says she just learned different but she means learned better, doesn't she.

it's not that you can't send the email, it's that your hands have been hurting lately and the desk really is messy and also why the fuck would you even care about this thing? doesn't everyone else feel like they're drowning? hi brendon thanks so much for sending! will review and get back to you shortly. but now you're on the internet, close the tab with tumblr on it. go on, close it. feel the little soft vapor of boredom come up and over your eyeteeth and make everything overwhelming and itchy.

literally all you have to do is put on shoes to go outside. you're literally already dressed, that's the hard part of this whole thing. literally just put the shoes on. just... do it! do it! this shit is easy!

it's literally that easy. just stop taking all those stupid invisible steps. stop following your strange made-up rules. times like this, even you're positive you're faking. you just don't want to bother with the cleaning and the cooking and the being-an-adult.

but then - shouldn't you be able to put these stupid shoes on? nobody's even looking. go on kid. life is out there! just take the leap!

get moving.

#spilled ink #writeblr #warm up

[soaps-mohawk]

Heyyyy ik ur are tired ,just wanted to ask if you will post a chapter this week ,get well soon

Honey, I am not "tired", I am sick.

Congestion, sinus pain, headache, fatigue, sure my sore throat went away last night but now I have a cough. I can't sleep because I don't want to use my cpap while sick, so I wake every hour either from not breathing or because I'm choking on sinus drainage. (And yes, I sleep at an angle and it still doesn't help any.)

I wrote 600 words of chapter 16 on Saturday when I was getting sick, and I have not touched it since then, nor have I even thought about touching it because I am now fully sick.

I gave y'all two chapters last week. Two. You have no idea how badly I was stressing about Chapter 15 and how close I was to giving up writing and I still got the chapter up for everyone on Sunday WHILE I HAD A FEVER.

Regardless of the extra bonus chapter everyone got, I still would say it's not likely you'll get a chapter this week because I AM SICK. I want to rest and sleep and try to get better because I have things in my real life that I need to do too that I haven't been able to because I've been sick. I'm not even thinking about this fic and updating it right now.

I am begging y'all to remember I am a real person with a real life behind this blog. I get busy, I get tired, I get sick. I do this as a hobby. I post here on tumblr for free. I pump out 7k word chapters every week, and in the case of last week, multiple times a week. It's hard. It takes a lot of work and dedication just to do this alone while I feel healthy and normal, much less everything else I do during the week.

On top of that, Friday is my birthday and I'd like to take that day to do what I want to do and celebrate the crisis of getting yet another year older.

So no, chances are, there's probably not going to be a chapter out this week. I want to rest and recover and even if I did try to pump out 7k words in the next two days, I'm not going to be happy with it. I'm not going to like it. It's not going to be up to par with the standard I've set with the rest of the chapters quality-wise and I'm going to be tearing myself up because I'll have felt like I cheated y'all trying to write while sick just for the sake of getting a chapter out this week.

Now that I've got myself all worked up, I'm going to go lay down and rest and maybe have some soup because I'm hungry and for the first time in days, it does not hurt to eat. So take one of the chapters from last week and consider that the update for this week.

#had i not gotten sick there would have been a chapter this week #but i do not feel good #so i will not be forcing myself to write #even for my wonderful patreon subscribers who do in a way pay me to do this #because it's not fair to y'all to give you something low quality like it will be if i tried to force it #answered

[mrs-snape5984]

“As long as I'm with you, I've got a smile on my face…”

“Save your tears, it'll be okay. All I know is you're here with me…” (“Here with me” by D4vd)

Suffering from ME/CFS makes me feel like my whole world is falling apart in front of my eyes. Since I’ve already lost so much joy and so many abilities due to this devastating disease, my continuing loss seems to increase even further.

As some of you might know, do I love to write my own stories about Severus and Julia just as much as I enjoy using my tumblr blog as some kind of journal, whenever I’ve commissioned another artwork. It’s my way of rolling out a red carpet for the artists of Snapedom…it’s my way of honouring them for their talent in their profession. Commissioning those amazing people and letting them make my ideas and fantasies come to life, is my very own manner of coping with my physical and emotional pain.

And now, this coping mechanism seems to crumble into pieces as well as everything else, that I’ve already lost! It hurts me to admit, that my brain fog takes advantage of my capability to create vivid images with my words. My thoughts are getting blurry and chaotic. I’m struggling to find the right words to express my emotions (it’s even worse in my native language German than in English!!)…and this scares me to hell!

My mind was the only place, where I could find some shelter from my infuriating and terrifying reality of losing myself to ME/CFS. What if I forfeit my only - just barely existing- talent now?? How should I flee this nightmare of existence if writing wouldn’t be an option anymore?! How should I express my gratitude towards all those marvellous artists of Snapedom, who are all weaving my emotional comfort blanket with each piece of their art?!?

I don’t want to give up on my writing…and I won’t…even though my pride would probably fade away with each badly written chapter of my fictions…and with each unworthy post on my blog. I must admit, that I’m already acknowledging the loss of quality. 🥺

I found an inspiring poem about the importance of staying resilient, no matter how difficult the hardships of life might become, and I want to share it with you:

"KEEP GOING" (Better known as "DON'T QUIT") by Edgar A. Guest

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems all uphill, When the funds are low and debts are high, And you want to smile but have to sigh.

When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest, if you must, but DON'T YOU QUIT!

Life is queer with its twists and turns, As everyone of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turns about,

When he might have won if he'd stuck it out, Don't give up though the pace seems slow, You might succeed with another blow.

Often the struggler has given up, When he might captured the victor's cup.

And he learned too late, when the night slipped down, How close he was to the golden crown,

Success is failure turned inside out, The silver tint on clouds of doubt, And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems afar,

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit, It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

My dear @mmad-lover, I can’t stress enough how grateful I am for your dedication to this stunning piece of art and believe me, it was worth every single second of waiting! Paula, I was incredibly touched to hear, that my request seemed to be something special, something personal to you. I can assure you, that, indeed, all of my ideas have a profound meaning to me and I’m glad that you’re such an empathetic person, who sensed that particular importance of your art to me. Your devotion to this drawing is palpable in every single detail, every line of your brushes. You created exactly the mood, that I wished for Severus and Julia. It doesn’t matter that the world is burning to the ground around them, they will always have each other’s backs! Just like I’m relying on Severus for more than 21 years now. Thank you for everything, you precious soul! I’m glad that I met you and I hope, we’ll stay in touch. 🥹

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy & Jules🖤

#Severus x Julia #Sevy x Jules #severus x oc #fuck me/cfs #commissioning artwork is my goddamn coping mechanism #this is my red carpet for all the artists of snape fandom #writing is my coping mechanism #severus snape #i love severus #i love snape #snape #snape love #snape content #pro snape #i would protect him with my life #pro severus snape #snart #severus fanart #severus snape fan art #severus snape art #snape art #mecfs #disability

[onlyhuis]

stoner!svt

their favorite forms of weed + random stoner thoughts

member — svt ot13 x reader genre — headcanons, humor word count — 1.0k warnings — descriptions of marijuana and smoking. there isn't anything explicit or suggestive in this, but my blog is 18+ so minors dni. but whether you're a minor or not, please do not take advice about drugs from strangers on the internet,, i am so unqualified and this is just a reflection of my own experiences so don't take anything here as fact. always use responsibly! notes — huge thanks to @wooahaeproductions @highvern and @gyuwoncheol for brainstorming this with me !! as tumblr's resident stoner huihui i have many more thots about stoner!svt so feel free to stop by my inbox with your ideas to chat 👀

one reblog = one joint hand rolled for you by minghao himself

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seungcheol: dab pen

big bulky man requires a big bulky pen. it hits harder and feels way more intense so he doesn’t care that it’s harder to clean. he also has a dab rig and he thinks it makes him cool and different because he and vernon are the only ones who actually know how to use it

jeonghan: weird shaped bong

he has to be Extra at all times so he has a surprising variety of odd shapes. the tentacle one on his dresser is his most interesting one for sure, but the one shaped like an arcade game machine with actual flashing lights is his favorite. he’s the king of princess treatment so he definitely makes everyone else light his bongs for him; why would he do it himself when there’s a perfectly good coups sitting right there?

joshua: fruity disposable thc pens

he’s made it his life mission to try every flavor once. los angeles is like the vape capital of the world so there is definitely no shortage of flavors for him to try. someone please pack him a normal regular unflavored bowl before all his clothes permanently smell like strawberry ice. he thinks he’s subtle but you can literally smell him a mile away, his scent enters the room before he does

junhui: literally anything

willing to take whatever you’re willing to give: you put any kind of weed in front of him and he’s gonna try it. he really doesn’t have a preference for what form it’s in, as long as he gets to do it with you <3 i can also see him trying edibles in different forms than the usual kinds, like the ones that come in a can like soda or a bag of chips. it’s hard to tell when he’s high because he’s the same amount of giggly as he always is, it’s like a 50/50 chance of whether he’s stoned or just silly

soonyoung: preroll joints

he tries so hard it’s kind of sad but also so funny. he takes one hit and coughs like he's been chainsmoking cigarettes for the last 40 years, then gets tired after 10 minutes and lays facedown on the floor until he falls asleep. he’s not invited to smoke with you anymore because he spills the bong water every single time without fail. he becomes the most giggly and cuddly person you’ve ever seen in your life; imagine drunk hosh, times ten. he sets up his tiger plushies in a circle and passes the joint around like he’s a 4 year old girl having a tea party. he starts crying if one of them feels left out so he has to count and make sure they all get an equal number of hits

jihoon: normal shaped bong

locks himself in and hotboxes the studio. he mostly does it to get out of his own head and chill alone for a while, so don’t even think about interrupting him. he’ll emerge from a cloud of smoke a couple of hours later with 2 new albums, god of light music: the sequel, and a solo for hoshi. he doesn’t let the other members touch his stuff or even know where he hides it

wonwoo: normal shaped bong (dirty)

i hate to play into the dirty gamer boy stereotype that he’s always written as… but he 100% never cleans it. it’s always byob (bring your own bong) when he invites you over because he may be with fine smoking a crusty bowl, but not everyone feels that way sorry dude

minghao: hand-rolled joints

he doesn’t trust anyone to roll but himself. he has fancy expensive organic papers that he got from an exclusive farmer's market and he treats it like an art form but honestly it hits way better when he does it so you don’t question his technique. a hand rolled joint from minghao is like a gift from god

mingyu: homemade edibles

vernon gave him a homemade rice krispie once and he swore it wasn’t hitting so he ate another one... and then passed out on the couch. after vernon gave him the recipe, mr. professional chef here decided he likes to bake them himself but somehow always ends up measuring it wrong and makes them way too strong. on accident or on purpose? we may never know. most likely both. he gets so high he can’t even stand up straight, most giggly and cuddly person you’ve ever seen #2

seokmin: cbd gummies

he takes them to relax or to help him fall asleep rather than to get super high. but he still wanted to feel included with the members who smoke so he tried to buy a cart one time but he bought a melatonin pen on accident instead and they never let him live that down

seungkwan: normal shaped bong (clean)

he takes good care of his stuff and he’s serious about it! he had a bad experience with mold once and now he’s paranoid about remembering to change the bong water. he cleans it daily and keeps everything nice and organized, and he has a bedazzled grinder because if he’s gonna smoke then he’s gonna do it in style obviously

vernon: also literally anything

he’s honestly down for whatever. he prefers smoking over edibles but he doesn’t care if it’s a joint, a pen, a bong. also depends on his mood but the majority of the time it’s whatever is the closest within reach and requires the least amount of effort

chan: 4ft tall bong

how? why does he have that? where did he get it? huh? those are all questions he doesn’t have the answers to either. it’s more of a mascot than anything; it sits in the corner of his living room like a lamp and he doesn’t even use it. he uses a regular bong the majority of the time but only because he’s afraid of breaking the sacred Tall Bong. it’s a big hit at parties

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if this made you laugh, consider leaving a reblog! i'd love to hear your thoughts :) feedback shows me that this is something people want to see more of, and knowing people like this makes me want to write more of it! thanks for reading!!

taglist | @wonderfulshinee @noniestars @onlymingyus @just-here-to-read-01 @wonuziex @enhacolor @yourfavoritefreakyhan @dkakapizzaboy @zozojella @rainyjeno @jwnghyuns @uwuheeseungie @miriamxsworld @synthetickitsune @simeonswhore @junhour @foxdaisy @98-0603 @fairybinie @anthropologymajorkpopmultistan @luvwonyy @novalpha @ronnie97b @ohmygodwhyareallusernamestaken @usari @hyneyedfiz @honestlydooetree @ktackore @k-drama-adict @valentxi @aaniag @aaasia111 @hyneyedfiz @crvs4vldtn

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#kvanity #kflixnet #k-labels #caratlibrary #[📌] — june.writes #svt scenarios #svt fanfic #svt x reader #seventeen imagines #seventeen fanfic #seventeen scenarios #seventeen x reader #svt imagines

[mommyownsmee]

hii, do you have any tips for aftercare on dom/mes? like dealing with dom drops etc. i want to take care of them too but i'm not really sure how.

(i love how you explain bdsm, it's so clear and you really care for the community 🥹)

Thank you so much for your message, it‘s incredibly nice of you to think of your Dom/me this way and wanting to practice aftercare for them too.

[I‘ll be calling the/my Submissive S/O in this text because of personal reasons. I‘m writing in a perspective that shows me in a D/S dynamic! I won‘t openly confess to any relationship status here on Tumblr for my own and any other persons personal safety.]

At first I need to explain everything about Dom/me/ Top Drop and what‘s it caused by - so everyone of you understands why a Dom/me needs aftercare too.

If some of you aren‘t interested in this please scroll to the bottom, as that’s where I give examples for aftercare on Dom/mes.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Of course every Dominant experiences Dom/me/ Top Drop differently and this is just an example for one kind of Dom/me/ Top Drop and one specific kind of trigger. Every Dom/me experiences their Dom/me/ Top Drop differently and for every single one there are different triggers.

Here is how a Dom/me/ Top Drop feels for me:

I get it only shortly after a scene and only if I had an orgasm [where I got touched/penetrated/etc. In fact the orgasm itself is my trigger and that‘s why I often prefer just not to come, which is totally fine for me. It‘s enough for me just to see my S/O in pleasure. It gives me everything I need as a Domme and there is nothing that I miss. I can come from my mind only/ no physical interaction on me or others and this kind of orgasm doesn‘t trigger my Domme/Top Drop at all]:

The scene is over. I’m looking at my S/O, or listening to her breathe on the phone. We’re just there together and everything seems fine. Then, in just an instance, I get this insane amount of longing. I start feeling extremely guilty, especially if my S/O has any marks or bruises or just because of the fact that I just lost control for a second while I had an orgasm. I know it sounds like I‘m a control freak, but in fact it‘s only because I‘m autistic and I like routine. Having an orgasm which got triggered by physical interaction on me is extremely exhausting for my mind and it often happens that I just pass out after them for a minute because those orgasms are extremely intense for me and my body - and this is what really scares me.

So within a few seconds I‘m mentally going through „I need to be held close“ - „Why did I hurt the person I love more than anything else?“ - „Am I enough?“ - „What did just happen? I can‘t remember the last few minutes [only after my orgasm]“ - „Is she okay? I need to check up on her asap“ - „Am I still a good Domme?“ - „My S/O deserves better“ and finally it just ends with „I miss her so much it physically hurts“ and „I just wish she was here/ could come up to me and hold me close and tell me that I‘m enough and everything is fine and we are still we and nothing has changed and that you still love me as much as I love you“.

For me a Dom/me/ Top Drop feels like a gush of depression right in my face. I‘m starting to cry, shake and curl myself up. It‘s awful. I’m starting to rethink my role or effectiveness as her Domme. I maybe notice that I've overthought something during our time together. And above all, I just miss her. Since my S/O and me don‘t live close to each other it‘s hard for me to compensate all of those feelings mostly alone. It‘s a lot better the times she‘s here, but my Dom/me/ Top Drop still happens. I'm aware that it's the amazing chemicals that my body produced while having her with me slowly start to dissipate after our scene and it‘s hard for me to overcome this.

I think the hardest is to filter away the guilt and shame of what we like to do in a scene, and the guilt of what I might have done to my S/O during it. Self acceptance and allowing that to take time is the key. Communication, no matter the distance, is absolutely essential. The biggest thing is to stay honest with myself and my S/O about it. Check-ins are necessary for our dynamic.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

In my opinion Dom/me/ Top Drop and Sub Drop are fundamentally different. A Sub Drop is tied to an actual chemical change in the body, endorphins, dopamine, levels changing over the course of moments. I feel like a Dom/me/ Top drop is more mental. The body produces adrenaline and other drugs during a session, and when we are coming down from them, it is like falling into a deep hole sometimes. We feel a remorse, regret, a disappointment for something not going as planned. I think a Dom/me/ Top Drop is similar to fucking up something important at work or in our personal life. When we put our heart and focus into something that we think is important and it doesn't go well we feel responsible and the pain that comes with failure. As Dom/me we are very vulnerable in these moments, and often have problems showing this. Where a Sub might need chocolate and snuggles, a Dom/me needs reassurance and physical touch from their Sub and told that they're human, that mistakes will happen and we learn from them and improve.

In my opinion Top Drops are happening the same way as Sub Drops and aftercare is a must. It's so important for the relationship, or growth can't happen if these things don't work. A Dom/me might need as much reassurance/ love after a scene as a Submissive does - so please always talk about these things before the D/S dynamic starts.

Just don't be too hard on yourself no matter if you’re the Submissive or the Dominant and keep learning.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

[for both Dom/me and Submissive]

Affirmations of affection

Reassurance

Talk and communication about the scene in detail (emotions, what to change, what was good, what was bad)

Cuddling

Touches and closeness in silence

Slowly 'come back' to the present

Helping each other clean up

Sharing a shower/ bath after

Watching movies

Jokes and being silly together

Food, fluids

#bd/sm mommy #mommy #domme mommy #mommy k!nk #bd/sm blog #bd/sm community #lesbian nsft #bd/sm relationship #sapphic nsft #lesbian #mommyownsmeeasks #lesbian smut #sapphic #sapphic smut #wlw nsft #wlw smut #wlw community #wlw blog #wlw post #wlw ns/fw #wlw #ns/fw community #ns/fw content #ns/fw blog #queer ns/fw #queer relationships #queer community #queer nsft #queer #bd/sm kink

[rainbowsky]

Hello Rainbowsky,

Is Rocco using the 227 kadian a coincidence? If not, I really can’t understand why on earth did he choose that time to post.

I was happy to know that he defended WYB but I really felt bad when I saw the time.

Rainbowsky, what do you think?

With all due respect, Anon - and everyone else who has messaged me about this...

I am deeply disappointed by BXG these past couple days - more so than I've been maybe even in YEARS. Y'all are behaving like a bunch of toxic solos, many of you being blindly instigated by toxic solos who are manipulating your feelings for their own ends.

DD went to an event and had a good time, looked amazing - one of the rare occasions where he's not wearing a plain black suit - posted multiple amazing videos and photo sets, was the guest of honor and the most anticipated face of the evening...

And all anyone GAF about is this petty drama bullshit.

I've gotten so many messages about Rocco and the various toxic and often deeply homophobic rumors going around about him, about GQ and their supposed rift with GG, about this stupid F'n kadian, and I've had only ONE message about DD and how great he looked and how great it was to see him in such a casual feeling setting, looking relaxed and happy.

This is toxic fandom, in a nutshell. This is toxic fandom.

I had thought y'all were above all that. I really had. But it seems Tumblr really is no less toxic than Twitter. At least, that's what it feels like these past couple days.

What do I think of this kadian moment? I think that it was likely intentional, and I find myself laughing at how sassy he is. That's what I think. GG's fans were pushing a hateful lie about DD - which it seems like all they're good for these days - and flooding his photo post with comments about DD supposedly lying about his height, and his response was to slap them with the facts.

If the kadian was intentional - and I suspect it probably was - it was a slap on XFX, not on GG. Because fuck them, seriously. Fuck them for constantly dogging DD's every step with hate hs on Weibo. You've probably heard about so many of the attacks on DD over the last while. "Desperate illiterate", his height, etc. What you might not know is that every single one of them is orchestrated and pushed by XFX.

2/27 is XFX's shame (that sadly they have no shame about). It is NOT GG's shame. He did no wrong, and everyone knows it. His fans haven't learned a thing, and keep doing this kind of garbage, which might one day lead to GG's downfall or to another period of having to lie low in obscurity, etc.

The kadian shows the post to be directed squarely at XFX, where it belongs. Nothing more. The only people who will notice or care about it are the assholes in the comments arguing. Bystanders won't notice or care. It does absolutely NOTHING to harm GG. It just embarrasses and calls out XFX.

If DD can go hang out with and be the guest of honor for an event that is a huge feather in Rocco's cap, making Rocco look good in China and internationally - the man is getting a lot of accolades for the event - if he can walk the red carpet with him and be friendly with and have an obviously good relationship with him (Edit: and can hug him like a good friend), then no fan has any excuse for holding any kind of grudge against him.

There is no one closer to GG than DD, so if Rocco is OK with DD, he's OK with me. End of fucking story.

People who are reading into this all kinds of conspiracy theory BS need to go touch some grass. Seriously.

This is a fandom of GG and DD, not of Rocco Liu. Stop focusing on stupid shit, people.

#FFS #fandom reflections #ggdd entertainment circle #solos belong to moling su sect #ask

[good4olivia]

dark!aemond hc's

warnings: late night thoughts, not rlly edited, typos, gaslighting, aemond is a manipulative lil shit, but idc i would do aything for this man, this is the last time i write straight on the tumblr lol

pairing: aemond targaryen x f!maid!reader

you were the only maid he tolerated, you didn't stare at him or try to talk to him, you only did your job. he liked that about you, so much in fact that when the septa moved you to work in the kitchens, aemond threw a fit about it.

"who are you?! where is y/n?" he would yell at the unsuspecting maid in his chambers. she only lasted an evening before you were returned to aemond.

"why did you agree to leave? do you not like being here?" he questioned you, watching as you folded his clothes.

"no, my prince. i simply go where the septa tells me to go, she told me to go work in the kitchens, i went there." you didn't look up at him, you weren't scared that the prince would hurt you but you certainly didn't appreciate the intense look in his eyes

"i don't give a shit what the septa says, you're not to go somewhere else. from now on, you're only job is to look after me"

after that, things changed between you and aemond. before, he would simply just watch you - bend down under his bed, or see your cleavage when you are pouring his wine but now - now, he will touch you. simple, innocent (not really) touches that made your skin crawl.

one night, after he had had too much to drink, he asked you to spend the night in his bed. "just to sleep, my love. i just want to be close to you. don't you want to be close to me?"

you just wanted to sleep in your own quarters, your bed was nothing compared to his, but it was yours

apparently you had taken too long to answer, "i must've been mistaken to believe perhaps you felt the same but how could you? i am disfigured and abrasive, a lady such as yourself could never-"

"no, no of course not my prince. i'm sorry i was just... well honestly i was surprised you asked, i believed my... feelings for you to be only one-sided."

the smile on his face after you said made your stomach errupt in butterflies, you weren't sure which kind

he watched you slip out of your dress, only in your undergarments he could make out your tender body so much more clearly, he already felt his nightpants tighten

aemond did not keep his promise to 'just sleep', when you laid next to him he pulled you close, kissed your hair and gently guided your hand to his cock, "you're so beautiful." he whispered in your hair. "do you feel what you do to me, my flower?"

you moved your hand up and down, his breaths getting sharper and quicker, eventually, he finished as he was kissing, sucking on your neck

you felt ashamed at the wetness pooling down at your core, even more so at the moans that left you as he slipped his fingers in you, "does that feel good my love?" he said, god his voice had never sounded so good.

ever since that night, aemond had barely let you leave his chambers. everyone knew you belonged to him, aemond made no efforts to hide it, he simply did not care.

you, on the other hand, had to deal with jealous and petty maids, making your job harder, as well as cruel remarks from alicent.

as much as your time with aemond was fun, you wished for life before - not that you could ever speak your mind about that. anytime you said something remotely close to wanting some more freedom, he would blow up

"freedom for what? hmm? what can anyone give you that i can't? you're lucky i chose you. "

his outbursts would always be followed by his apologies after a few cups of wine,

"my love please forgive me. i just can't fathom losing you and when you say things like wanting to spend some nights in your old room, what am i supposed to think?"

"i'm sorry my prince, i did not think. i won't bring it up again." he kissed you deeply after that, cupping your face in his hands.

" i don't care what my mother says, you will be my wife. would that make you happy? us being married?"

"oh of course my love, nothing would make. me happier than being your wife."

two moons later, you were wed. aemond had given your family some gold in exchange for the loss of income (now that you were a princess, you were dismissed of your duties)

"i can't wait to see you full with my child." he would say to before finally taking you fully

he vowed to never father basters so before the wedding, he didn't fuck you, only the other stuff

no, you weren't allowed to leave the chambers without him, no any hope of you returning to work you enjoyed was long gone but somewhere down the road, you did end up falling in love with him.

#aemond targaryen #aemond targaryen x reader #aemond one eye #house of the dragon

[aphroditesbaby1616]

The Bear & His Honey - Chapter 12

♡ Chapter Inspo: Lyrics; Enjoy The Silence (Depeche Mode) - Words like violence, break the silence, come crashing in- into my little world. Painful to me, pierce right through me, can't you understand? All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, Is here in my arms. Words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm…

♡ Summary: Winnie x Carmy have deep talks, Carmy ends up running away & having a panic attack, Syd being the pookie pie she is brings Winnie to therapy, they share big news & Syd is anxious (but, what's new there?)

♡ W/C: 9,600

♡ Posted Date: 03/08/2024

♡ A/N: Hey everyone! No smut in this chapter, but lots of angst!! We finally get to see Syd bc I was talkin to a Tumblr OOMF & I just HAD to put in some Syd this week, & she slipped right in there perfectly! We will be back with some super sweet fluff next week, I need to keep you on your toes - this is about Carmen the most anxious person on earth after all hahahha

♡ Warnings for BTC: Smoking, Swearing, Angst, Talk of suicide, Panic attacks, Bad coping skills *not edited :)*

➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡

➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐮𝐩 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚����𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡

𝒲𝒾𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱. 🍯

After a shower that surprisingly didn’t end in another round, and a heavy make out when he came out of the bathroom to see me clad in nothing but his white shirt and a pair of panties, we had gotten comfortable in bed again, my fairy lights back on. 

We were laid facing eachother, fingers intertwined, sharing sweet pillow talk about what we did earlier in the night. It felt so good to talk to him like this, and truth be told I felt so lucky that he was being so open about how he felt about it all. 

“Y’know when-“ I giggled “when I was like- I couldn’t say anything other then yes?” I asked and he snorted a laugh, squeezing my hand softly. 

“Yes why?” He gently rubs my hip with his free hand, pushing my shirt up so his palm was flat against my skin. 

“Cause- well I couldn’t even wrap my head around it, I just knew that you were doing exactly what I wanted, but more so you were saying what I wanted. Like- Bear. I am so amazed with you and your ability to like- learn so fast. You’re like actually the best lay I’ve ever ever had. For real, honest to god.” I said, gently rubbing my thumb over his now very warm and pink cheek. 

He swallowed thickly, thinking for a moment, eyes fluttering shut under my gentle touch. “Can I tell y’somethin, baby?” he asked quietly. I leaned forward, resting my forehead on his, my hand trailing up his face and fingers getting lost in his damp curls. 

“Anything, Carmy.” I whispered, gently nuzzling our noses sweetly “I want you to tell me everything baby” I whispered and he leaned forward, kissing me gently. When he pulled his lips away, his forehead still on mine. My eyes flutter open to meet his blue ones. He takes a deep, shaky breath. 

“I-I’ve never felt like this..and I’m really fuckin’ scared” he bit his lip, squeezing my hip gently. I cupped his jaw, planting a lingering gentle kiss on his forehead before resting my own against him again. 

“Do you remember, last week, when you told me you wanted me to show you how it feels?” I whisper and I could have sworn he stopped breathing for a moment. 

“N-no- no…how…it’s too soon” he pulls away a bit and I let him do so, squeezing his hand affirmingly. 

“How fast do you hate someone?” I asked after he sat silent for a moment, and the look behind his eyes was clear that he was far off somewhere else, so I had to say something to get him back. 

“What?” He asks, attention back to me. “Why does that matter?” He begins untangling our fingers and I rest my other hand over his to stop him. 

“Because. There is such a thin line between love and hate, Carm. I can tell you hate with a deep, guttural, soul-splitting passion. When you hate something, you hate it…and when you love something” I said and he gently curled his fingers around mine again, rubbing his thumb in strokes along the back of my hand. 

“How are you like that” he whispers, pulling me to his chest and nuzzling his face in my neck, his lips pressed to my skin and warm puffs of breath tickling the fleshy spot between my shoulder and my neck. 

I smiled, my hand absentmindedly coming up and lacing my fingers through his curls, scratching his scalp gently in the places I’d come to know he liked. “Like what, Bear?” I whisper, just as soft. It felt like we were the only people in the world. Sleep wasn’t needed in our little haven, I felt like I couldn’t miss a single moment of him. 

“That.” He breathes into my skin, peppering sweet, warm kisses along my skin. “You always fuckin’…just…calm me down. It’s so fuckin’ terrifying” he mutters, a small smile comes to my lips and I kiss his temple sweetly. 

“You calm me down too, but you also make my heart race so much even when I think about you, I worry for myself sometimes…like I’m havin’ a heart attack. Like my heart literally skips. And I didn’t understand what people meant until I met you” I said with a small giggle and he snorts a laugh into my skin. 

“I can’t think about you when I’m not with you- well…that’s a lie…I can’t think about how I feel about you when I’m not with you” he said softly, his thumb gently rubbing over the scar on my hip. 

“Why?” I asked quietly, gently dragging my fingers through his hair in slow, backwards strokes. 

“Cus’ I’ll give myself a fuckin panic episode or whatever it’s called if I think about it for too long.” He mumbled into my neck and I swallowed thickly. 

“Cause…you like me, right?” I asked and he lets out a chuckle. 

“Sooooo far past like, but sure. I don’t even know what to call it, but I more then like you. But- I…I also hate feeling like this..cus’…cus’ I feel- I feel like I’m gonna fuck everything up. Like…what if I’m so focused on us that I fuck up the restaurant? Or- or what if I lose my touch. Or fuckin’ I dunno. Somethin’ in me just like-“ he sighs. “I need a fuckin’ cigarette.” He sits up, back facing me, leaving me cold on my side and I pout. 

“Alone?” I ask quietly, wanting to reach out for him. 

“No- no baby come w’me cmon. Put on some pants though yeah? It’s freezin’ “ he said, grabbing his sweatpants and putting them on as well as his usual plaid brown jacket. 

I got up, opening my dresser and pulling out some pink fuzzy hello kitty pajama bottoms, tugging them on before putting on my fuzzy pink bear socks along with my Ugg slippers and grabbing my well loved Winnie the Pooh zip up, putting it over his tshirt and putting up the hood. “We can go on the balcony” I said softly, going over and unlocking the door. 

He slipped his sneakers on, following me out and sitting down on one of the chairs. “C’mere” he pats his lap and I come over, gently sitting and wrapping my arms around him once he got his cigarettes out and grabbing his lighter from his pocket. Once he popped it between his lips, I lit it for him, gently playing with the curls at the base of his neck and watching as he took a drag. 

“I just feel…like- and I-i know what you’ll say- cause you’ve told me already like a hundred times- but…I feel like, I’m finally sacrificing a little of myself for myself and…I feel like I don’t deserve to? Like…I-i-im betraying myself? and-“ I cup his cheek, stopping his rambling. 

“Why is it betrayal, baby? What about letting yourself feel for once is a betrayal?” I asked and he took another long drag, mulling the question over. 

“Cause’ that part of me that tells me it’s betrayal T’myself t’be happy is the same part of myself that says people always leave and it’s always right. And it tells me…like- like- everyone is gonna be so mad at me when I fuck up with you and then lose you and I also have been like- not on top of my shit with the restaurant. So like I’m- I’m fuckin over Nat, and Richie, and Marcus, and Tina, and Syd. I’m fuckin’ em, Win. For me to be happy. Leavin’ em with all this bull that I’m used to handling so I can run off and play boyfriend until you fuckin’ realize that-“

“Hey, hey, hey” I said softly, cutting his spiral before it could get too deep. “Let’s unpack this baby, so you…you feel like, if you were to fall in love- not even with me. Let’s take me out of this equation. So you think that if you were to have a lover, like a real, intimate, partnership, like- building your life with someone. And that because as a human you have to have a work-life balance, that if your life cuts in to your work, just like your work is expected to cut in to your life once in a while- you believe that everyone in your life, Your big sister, your closest friends, and Syd? Syd. The girl who every person in her life she just wants them to be happy? Like it actually brings her to tears. She fuckin sat with me and Sadie for eleven hours on a FaceTime call, helping us get our Taylor tickets when she didn’t even want to go. And she cried with us when we finally got them. Syd loves you, Carm. As a friend. And knowing Syd, how she loves her friends? Its pure. So if you can’t believe any of the other people you mentioned would be anything short of happy if you were to have an actual life outside of work, it would be Syd. Also- you” I poke his cheek, thankfully earning a tiny upturn of his lips with the action. 

“You, sir” I continue “are a control freak. Yes, it’s hot a lot of the time. But then the other 10-15% of the time…all it does is fuck everything up Carmy. When you try to fuckin’ control every situation with an iron fist something is bound to go wrong. Syd is so smart. She was smart before you got her, and she’s even smarter because you’re teaching her, Carm. You said it yourself- she’s your right hand. Is Syd not your right hand, lovey?” I asked him softly, gently massaging his tense shoulders. 

Blew a trail of smoke away from me, being sure not to let any get directly in my face, before clearing his throat. “Ye’. She is” he muttered, slightly relaxing under my touch. 

“S’what does that mean, baby? D’you trust yourself? Do you trust that you’ve taught Syd, and Richie, and Fak, and Natalie, and Tina how you want your restaurant to be run? What if somethin’ happened to you tomorrow god forbid- d’you think The Bear would crash and burn?” I asked and he shook his head lightly in response, pushing his cigarette out in the ash tray. 

He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me into his chest. “No- no…that’s actually..” he sighs, looking ahead at the cityscape. “I think about that- like…a lot…well- more before I met you I guess…but- t’day” he swallowed thickly and I kept my gaze locked on his side profile. 

“T’day I thought about it again…and y’re right. If I was removed…everything would probably run smoother. Because like you said. I’m an efficient son of a bitch because of how tightly I control shit, but sometimes I do too much and- a lot I think like…what if I’m holding The Bear back.” He muttered and I gently stroked his cheek with my thumb, both of us going quiet. I gnawed on the inside of my lip nervously, contemplating how he’d react- but knowing how he feels about himself…I had to allow him to see his situation from the outside. 

“D’you wanna know something I’ve been thinkin’ about…but…I didn’t wanna tell you cus’ I’ve been scared it’ll get you worked up for the wrong reasons?” I ask just above a whisper and his gaze finally meets mine again. 

“Tell me” he said, “I promise- I don’t think I could ever stay mad at you, honey” he said leaning in and kissing my cheekbone lightly. 

I took a deep, regulating breath. “When Sugar drove me home…I dunno I just had this- I was…I was just curious. And I asked her, I was like oh- who started to call him Bear, and- she told me that it was Mikey…” I watch his jaw tighten slightly and I swallow thickly, finding the confidence to continue. “And she- she told me…that um..you- you went to New York. Because you and Mikey kinda…grew apart. But that when you were young you both- you…The Bear was gonna be yours together.” I manage to get out and he closes his eyes taking a deep shakey breath. 

“What does this have to do with what I said, Winnie.” He said evenly, but his breath trembling. 

“I…I think-“ I play with my zipper nervously. “I think Mikey felt the same way… I think- he…he felt like you’d be better off because of the way he did things a-“ my voice breaks, tears coming to my eyes. “and he saw you Carmen…he saw you. Sugar told me she- she said…she said he was so proud, but he- he wouldn’t say it. And- and I think…I think he-he was scared. I think-“ he cuts me off. 

“S’what? Y’think he fuckin’ killed himself because he thought I was better than him?! When he wouldn’t even fuckin’ let me work at Mom and Dad’s piece a’ shit - before I fuckin’ went off to prove myself to him.” He said, voice sharper than I’d ever heard him speak towards me before, but still cracking towards the end. 

“Carmy…” I whispered, my throat feeling tight at the sudden energy shift. 

“I think he always saw the greatness in you, but like you he didn’t think he deserved to be apart of the success he knew someone he loved was destined for. He saw you. Carmy. He fucking loved you so fucking much. The way-“ I took a trembling breath, tears staining my cheeks. “The way he loved you was pure Carmen. You said you- you haven’t felt it but it’s just- it’s been around you this entire time baby. Sugar told me how you two were, she gushed over the trouble you’d get into together and how he’d always walk you to school. Just how fucking kind he was and all the ways you take after him.” I wiped away the tears that were pooling in his eyes. 

“I-“ he choked on a sob. “I have to go on a walk- p-please. Alone.” He took in a shaking breath, shaking his head and squeezing his eyes shut, tears pooling down his cheeks. “I h-have to think” he sniffled. 

I wipe his tear-stained cheeks. “Just be safe ok?” I whispered, kissing his temple gently before getting up off his lap.  

He nodded, grabbing his cigarettes and going back in to put a shirt on. I sat down in the chair, pulling my knees to my chest and resting my cheek on my knee, looking out at the city scape, my mind reeling with thoughts. The main one that kept bouncing from corner to corner or my mind like a god damn dvd video logo. 

You sunk too deep, too soon. He’s not coming back.

𝒞𝒶𝓇𝓂'𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱.🧸

I pulled the door behind me slightly harder than I meant to, the slam echoing throughout the hallway. I dug my cigarettes out of my pocket, the second I got into the stairwell lighting it with shaking hands. 

Really, Bear. If you ever feel it's getting too much - call, okay?

Sugars words bounced around my head as I pounded down the stairs, feeling like I couldn't breathe. Sure. The thick hot smoke I was inhaling didnt help the matter, but- fuck - the only thing that could allow me to speak fuckin normally in this state, was if I had a cigarette to pull on. 

I shove open the door so hard that it slams against the brick, causing an elderly woman and her white fluffy dog to jump. “Ooh!” she exclaims, putting her hand over her heart at the sudden noise. 

“S’rry Ma’am” I muttered, pulling my hood over my head as I walked by, looking at my feet as I fished my phone out while I took a drag of my now lit cigarette. With my free hand, I popped the cigarette out of my mouth and let out a shaky exhale as I unlocked my phone with shaking fingers.

Where the fuck am I going right now? 

I click the phone icon, clicking Sugars number and putting the phone to my ear as I listen to the ring and my heavy footsteps, inhaling another heavy drag. Surprisingly, it was only 2 rings before she answered. 

“God damn it Bear, y’re lucky I shut my ringer off before Livy woke up- Whats goin’ on?” she whisper-shouts into the phone. I stopped, leaning against the chainlink fence cutting off the empty lot a  block down from Winnies apartment. I wanted to crumple and sob at the sound of her voice.

“N-Nat?” I stutter in to the phone, my voice shaky, feeling just like I sounded as a fuckin’ kid, knocking at her door after Mom yelled at me for knocking her drink over. 

“Carmy-” she said, voice much softer then before and I heard her front door click open, car keys jingling. “Bear, where are you - let me help you, Bear, please, tell me- where are you?” she pleads.

I took a deep shuddering breath, crouching down against the fence with my head in my hands, the only thing stopping my hand from shaking being pressing the phone to my ear.

“Y’remember - d’you-” I took the phone away from my ear, slapping my palm against my forehead roughly in frustration. I cant fuckin’ speak right now. Fuck. And it feels like I’m gonna throw up. 

“Bear” I heard her say through the phone as I frustratedly rubbed my hand over my face, pushing tears away angrily to try and ground myself.

How the fuck did Winnie make me feel like this? What the fuck? Why am I not mad at her for making me feel like this?

“Nat- Nat…Nat” I try catching my breath, “Nat, Im fuckin’ im cashin’ in- w-when you told me t’call you if im- if… “ I look up briefly, rubbing my hand over my mouth to soothe back a sob, my eyes meeting the ‘For Rent’ sign of the empty lot I was kneeled infront of pathetically. 

“Uh-I’m-I’m a-at- tw-” I pull the phone away and cough, my lungs burning. The mix of crying uncontrollably, thick mucus, and cigarettes, proving once again to be deadly- if not at least extremely irritating to my throat when I’m like this.

“Twenty-five north Wells, near Winnies” I breathe out, slumping down into a heap on the sidewalk, curling into myself. 

If someone I know walks by, I’m actually going to end it, fucking tonight.

“Stay, stay right there, I’m coming Bear” I heard her car door slam shut, before the engine roared to life.

 “Thanks” I mumble in to the phone and hung up, dropping my phone in my chest pocket and hugging my knees.

I look like a fuckin child, pathetic and rediculous.

But my swirling, self deprecating thoughts didn’t stop me from shaking with silent sobs as I mulled over the words Winnie said minutes earlier, sticking to my brain like velcro. 

‘ He always saw the greatness in you, but like you he didn’t think he deserved to be apart of the success he knew someone he loved was destined for. He saw you, Carmy. ‘

I shook my head at the thought, wiping the never ending stream of tears from my raw cheeks. “Fuckin, get it together quit bein a pussy” I muttered to myself, sniffling and standing up, shaking my hand by my side roughly, hearing the joint crack with each flick as I paced back and forth quickly, uncontrollably gasping breaths taking over my lungs in place of sobs as I swallowed everything back. 

I refused to be sniveling like a little bitch when I got in Nat’s car. I’m not fuckin’ 7 anymore. I clear my throat, looking up at the sky as I pace, trying to find anything to pop in my mind other then the racing thoughts of Mikey, and the overwhelming guilt that I somehow killed him by leaving. 

I was so lost in attempting to chill the fuck out - that I didn’t even hear Natalie’s SUV pull up. What pulled me out of my head was the sound of her car door slamming. 

“Bear- fuckin’ Jesus Carmen, thank god Y’re alright buddy, you scared me fuckin’ shitless” she comes up to me, hugging me tightly and nestling her face in my chest. “I love you, i love you, I love you Carmen. I don’t tell you enough, but I love you, ok? So so fucking much. Y’re still my little bud. Y’know that, right? Y’re gonna be my little buddy forever” She mutters. 

And with that, I cracked once again. “Nat” I whisper, before completely breaking down in her arms, sobbing into her shoulder. She hugs me tighter, rubbing circles into my back soothingly.  

“Oh, Bear…” she whispered sadly into my hair, “tell me, tell me Carm.” She said and I tried to catch my breath.

“I- fuck- holy fuck. I- I needa sit…please. D-do you have water?” I cough hard into my arm. Fuckin cigarettes only fuck me up this bad when I’m like this. 

“Carm, fuckin’ breathe - holy shit. Yes, c’mon” she tugs my sleeve and I got on the passanger side, immediately grabbing her large purple cup that of course was just like Winnie’s-

Since the universe is determined to cackle at my demise at every beck and turn. 

-but I got past it due to my mouth that was so dry it felt glued, and chug down about half of the cup by the short time she’d sat in the driver seat and set the cup back down with a sigh. 

“Glad to see you found the water” she said, turning the engine over so we wouldn’t freeze. “So. Cmon. Let’s go. code hiccup..this must be serious” she said, bringing a small, barely there smile to my lips. 

Code hiccup was what she called her mandatory chats with me as a kid, when I’d get so fuckin’ worked up that I’d be hiccuping as I cried since I could barely breathe. And during these, she told me ‘as an older sister she has authority to make me tell her what’s bothering me.’ - she’d only ever called one of these when I was at the very wits end of my breaking point, so I never fought her on it. 

I look at her “Mikey- Winnie- she -hic- she…what the fuck did you say t’her, Nat?” Ok, so I guess I still get so worked up I fuckin’ hiccup. 

“Carm, what? Thats why you’re all fuckin’ upset?! Cause I told her a few childhood stories, and told her about how much he missed you when you were away? How close you both were? You knew that already. I told you that! I tried calling, Bear. You fuckin iced me out the same way he did t’you” she shook her head. 

“No- n-no she -hic- she…she said” I took a shaking breath, swallowing back the lump in my throat that was threatening to make a reappearance. “Why would she ever say I -hic- take after him? W- -hic- we both know that Mikey-“ I shook my head, looking out the window. “Was better at fuckin everything. He was normal.” I said quietly. 

“Carm, you are so much like him- you take after him in so many ways. The good and the bad.Other then the….the end for him, you were the same. We practically raised you, Carm, if anyone knows you its me, and it was Mike. How you’re so selfless in forgoing your own pleasures for the sake of others, your passion, Carm, your passion for your family, your passion for cooking? He missed you…but- I could tell he wanted you to just…do your own thing” she said, holding her cup in her lap and twirling the straw anxiously. 

“He knew Nat, he knew how much it h-hic-hurt me, when he fuckin…” I shook my head, closing my eyes tightly as tears pricked at the corners. 

“Bear I need you to hear me when I say this and not take it the wrong way…” she whispered and I looked at her, swallowing thickly. 

“A few months after you left…we were talking, and- he…he told me that…” she shakes her head, looking at her lap. “He told me that unless he kicked you out hard enough, you’d be too…soft to make it, like- that… that you wouldn’t be angry enough to get where you needed to go, to pull yourself up. He said that…that in the kitchen industry..you cant be so openly in love with cooking like you were…that to succeed you had to be serious about it, that it wasn’t about love, its about perfection. So he- he did that because he thought that he was helping you- but..but loving and being soft isn’t a bad thing Bear, and I wanted to fuckin wallop him over the back of the head for ever even thinking like that, but he told me…where you were going- where you were destined to go…you’d never had made it if he- if…he held your hand like he always did.” her eyes finally met mine once more.

I was just sitting there, dumbfounded, hiccups escaping my lips every so often a stears silently streamed down my cheeks. “Why does everyone except you and Winnie work like that, Natty?” I whispered after a long moment of silence. 

“Like what, Carm?” she brushes some stray tears away from my cheek. “That in order to offer help, they need to hurt me first”

𝒲𝒾𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱. 🍯

I didn’t sleep at all that night, I didn’t even realize it was 6am until I got an alarm on my phone, alerting that Taylor would be hitting the stage in a few minutes.

She always helps me forget things for a little while. I’m so glad she’s starting her leg in Singapore, today.

 I grabbed it off the charger hitting the stop button, and rubbing my tired eyes. “ ‘Lexa - g’morning” I said ‘Good morning’ it replied, my LED lights flicking on to a warm pinky orange.

I sat up in bed, finding my remote and switching Criminal Minds out for the morning news, before grabbing my phone and opening up the live stream of her concert. Amidst everything, i’d forgotten about Swiftball completely- not even caring much. I had went numb a few hours ago, when it would have been a reasonable walk. No, Carm went home. He had to have, the only thing left here of his was his backpack, that was laying flat on the floor since everything he’d brought to wear for the night was on his person, and his pair of Levi’s, as well as one of his white shirts. 

I got up, stretching my back and listening as the lead up speech to Cruel Summer started. 

“Oh! Nǐ hǎo!” she said adorably before beginning to sing, causing me to giggle. 

“Adorable” I mutter to myself, turning around and picking up Persephone from her spot on Carm’s-

On the other side of my bed. 

And held her like a baby. “G’mornin stinky” I said and kissed her head. She looked up at me and licked my nose, causing me to scrunch it up and smile. “Tank you for kisses smoochy, where were you last night mmm? Hidin’?” I put her back down on the bed gently and stroke her tail before grabbing my phone and heading to the bathroom.

I connected to my speaker, listening to Lover play, and rolling my eyes to myself as I start the shower and began to undress. 

This therapy session is gonna be brutal. I feel it. 

Nonetheless, out of habit I hummed along. I washed my body while listening to The Archer, Deep conditioned my hair, dancing around in the shower a bit to Fearless, it really was one of my favorite songs of hers. Probably because it was one of those songs Chris and I danced to a billion times together in my room with my little hello kitty CD player my mom had gotten me as my christmas present at a garage sale one year. 

I shaved my legs to You Belong With Me, and exfoliated to Love Story, smiling as I replayed all the memories of Chris turning the volume all the way up, and sitting criss-cross on my floor, his hand over the top of the CD player, feeling the hum of the lyrics and the bass while I jumped wildly on my bed and sung my heart out like I was preforming my own personal concert. We’d listened to this album so much, and I’d signed him the lyrics so much, that by the bumping of the bass and vibration of the lyrics- he knew by memory what song was playing after a while.

By the time Look What You Made Me Do was playing, I was cutting the water off from my long luxurious shower. I was convinced I’d scrubbed every touch of him off my body, out of guilt more then anything. I swoop in his life, give him these new experiences, make him feel loved, and then clawed open his deepest wound that had barely clotted yet. 

He doesn’t deserve to heal on my timing because it would make our relationship easier on me. This is about us together, and the conversation we had was out of my own selfishness. 

I’m torn away from my swirling thoughts from the opening lines of Enchanted, rolling my eyes in annoyance, “Oh give me a fuckin’ break.” I mutter to the universe. I finished drying myself off, trying to ignore the lyrics as I slathered my lotion on. 

And now I’m pacing back and forth, wishing you were at my door.. 

“No! No its a stupid song and I am not dramatic and this song isn’t even about anything like what happened shut UP brain” I rambled to myself, spraying on my Honey Bee body mist that had golden glitter in it, going out to my bedroom and opening my dresser. 

I focused on getting dressed, putting on a black T-shirt bra and panties and heading over to my closet. I pulled out one of my favorite pairs of overalls with Pooh embroidered on them, as well as a striped tan,blue, and red turtleneck sweater i’d thrifted. I slipped on the sweater, untucking my damp hair and adjusting the collar before putting on the overalls and buckling them up. 

I went back over to my dresser, pulling out some plain black ankle socks and slipping them on before grabbing my phone and heading into the bathroom. I quickly blew out my hair so my bangs wouldn’t curl up wildly, and brushed my teeth before heading out to the kitchen with Persephone on my heels as I hum along with We are Never Ever Getting Back Together  

This is the energy I need to take on for his sake. 

I sighed to myself as I took out one of my iced coffee glasses, stuffing it with ice before putting it under the coffee machine & brewing a strong latte. 

I had nothing to make for breakfast, and did not feel like going to the store- so I just decided to skip it and grab some McDonald’s on my way home from therapy later. I wandered off to my craft room, looking over various projects I’d started and contemplating what I wanted to throw myself into today. 

Something…intricate. 

I knew just the thing. I opened up the closet, pulling out the bodice mannequin that was dressed in my half done replica of Taylor’s Midnight Rain bodysuit. I had scoured google for days finding the perfect colors of beads, finding the best threads that wouldn’t snap, the best sequins. I saved up for 3 months, after my last Taylor concert- because Sadie and I agreed that we’d be watching for more Tickets to her Miami show, because it was so good when we went we had to do it again. 

I hum along to The Last Great American Dynasty as I prepared my sewing needle, getting all my beads and sequins laid out. I counted out my first group of 13 beads, sewing them in a neat row one by one, having to push up my glasses on my nose every so often. 

I only broke my trance when she started singing the first surprise song of the evening sparks fly. I gasped, standing up and watching closely, dancing around and singing along, squealing excitedly when she mixed in Gold Rush as well. 

“Oh my god those are perfect songs together!!!” I jump happily, singing along excitedly when she got to the chorus. 

“I run my fingers through your hair and watch the lights go wild just keep on keepin’ your eyes on me it’s just wrong enough to make it feel right!! And lead me up the staircase won’t you whisper soft and slow!! I’m captivated by you baby like a firework sho-“

“Winnie?” I hear and a shriek escapes my lips in surprise. I whip around to see Carm standing in the doorway. 

“Bastard” I slap my hand over my heart, attempting to catch my breath. “Don’t fuckin’ scare me like that! Jesus I almost had a heart attack!” I said, and there was the faintest trace of a smile on his lips. 

“I did knock, sorry I guess it wasn’t loud enough.” He said. His eyes were bloodshot, nose red and raw from being rubbed. His curls were a mess of broken waves from running his hands through them so much. 

“I thought…” I turn the volume on my phone down. “I- I thought you…went home.” I said, biting the inside of my lip nervously. 

“What? No..no. I’m sorry, I- I had to think…I uh- I saw Sugar, we talked. She just dropped me off cause she has to get her kid ready for school. But I feel…better, kinda.” He releases a shaky breath. 

I nod, swallowing thickly. “I’m sorry, I’m really, sorry, Carmen. I- I shouldn’t have said any of that t’you..it doesn’t matter how I feel about Mikey and- and how I feel about how you feel about him…it was never my place to reopen that wound. And…I-“ my voice cracks, vision going blurry with tears. 

“I think I’ll only hurt you if we keep this up.” I shake my head, looking at my feet and nervously playing with my fingers. 

“No- well, maybe- maybe yeah…-“ he hesitated and swallowed thickly. 

I squeeze my eyes shut, hot tears running down my cheeks. 

Selfish. Manipulative. Horrible. You ruin everything you touch. Why are you crying- he should be the one crying. You hurt him - you selfish greedy bitch! 

I shake my head as the voices roar in my ears. 

“I mean- it was a lot all at once…baby, and it was really late, and- and we had just been so close like that for the first time in bed, and that was my first time being so close to someone in bed in general. And - I…I think I was too emotionally fucked out for that and that’s why I ran. But I want you. I want this” He said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. 

I look up at him, sniffling. “Y-you don’t hate me now?” I whisper, my voice shakey. 

“Honey” he said softly, stepping towards me and opening his arms. I felt pulled like a magnet, dropping my phone on my chair and curling my arms around him, nuzzling my face in his chest and inhaling the scent of cigarettes, sandalwood, cedar, the smallest touch of jasmine, but best of all the light tinge of him. 

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, Bear” I whisper over and over again into his shirt. He rubs my back in long soothing strokes. 

“ it’s okay baby, I’m just…I feel alot when I with you- let’s go slow with talks like that yeah?” He mumbled in to my hair and I nod slightly against his chest.

“Thank you” I said softly and look up at him, resting my chin on his sternum. 

“F’what baby?” He brushed my bangs from my eyes. 

“Not leaving me.” I whisper and he bent his neck downwards, resting his forehead on mine and looking into my eyes.  

“It’s a me thing - not a you thing- but…I’m really confused why I didn’t. I mean…that’s my MO usually, especially with girls. But…I dunno…I wanna keep trying this time, y’re different.” He squeezes my hips gently. 

I wrap my arms around his neck loosely, “kiss me?” I ask softly and he obliges. I hum satisfied at the feeling of his lips once more, swiping my tongue across his bottom lip and he opened his mouth on contact, his tongue finding mine. I tasted a tinge of iron, and he pulled away lightly when my tongue ran over his bottom lip, feeling the raw flesh. He’s been biting the fuck out of his lips.

Our noses sweetly rub together in the tender kiss, my fingers twirling a soft blonde tuft of hair between them. He pulled away after a moment, and I looked up at him.  “can we sleep baby, please” his eyes fluttered back shut, it sounded like a plea more then anything. 

“Let’s go t’sleep, Bear” I intertwined our fingers, tugging him gently to the bedroom.

I’m woken by my Apple Watch buzzing on my wrist. I groan softly, looking at it ‘therapy 1 hr.!!’ The alarm read. I hit stop, carefully untangling Carmen and I, first slowly deranging our fingers, then carefully untwisting our legs, and finally ever so gently picking up his arm and rolling out of bed slowly so as to not wake him. Poor thing has only been sleeping 6 hours and he was surely up for more than 24. 

I slipped his white tshirt off, dropping it on the bed and I went over to my desk, putting on my outfit that I’d taken off to nap. Then, I sat at my vanity, popping in my AirPods and listening to my metal playlist as I did some light simple makeup, brushing my long hair into a high ponytail, leaving my fringe out. My music goes soft, Siri reading out a notification. 

Text from Syd the Chef kid 👩🏾‍🍳🫶: place is slow cause the rain, espresso date b4 therapy?? 

I smiled to myself, grabbing my phone and quickly texting back. 

Plsss!! 🥹🫶 imu goddess. Need Syd time!!!

I got up, going and brushing my teeth before feeding Persephone her early dinner so she didn’t wake Carm asking for it if he slept through my appointment. I grabbed a piece of my Hello Kitty stationary and a pen, quickly writing. 

Went to therapy. Be back by 4:30, please lock the door if you leave (didn’t wanna wake you, you look so sweet + handsome when you’re sleeping ♡ ) x♡x♡ - Winnie♡ :) 

I quietly entered the bedroom, leaving the note on my pillow and giving him a gentle kiss on the forehead, being sure to tuck his arm into the blanket so he wouldn’t get cold and brushed his hair back before grabbing my tote and shutting the bedroom door behind me. 

I check my phone to see a new text from Syd about 5 minutes ago 

Be there in 10!

I grabbed her heels that id been long meaning to give back to her, quietly shutting the front door behind me and I went downstairs. By the time I was bouncing down the steps her blue optima was pulling up. I practically skipped over, it had been ages it felt since we last got to hang out. Syd brought me to therapy 3 times a week, she refused to take gas money, and told me that she didn’t want me dealing with surge pricing or risking the train. 

I pop open the passenger door “you’re children” I present her heels dramatically. She laughs, taking them from my hand and tossing them in the back. 

“Thank you. You only held them ransom for how many months?” She asks as I shut my door, buckling in. I laughed. 

“Mmm don’t ask you know me and time” I said, putting my tote at my feet. “I fuckin missed you bitch!!! When are those James award nominations coming out?” I ask and she looks nervous. 

“Last night” she said and I gasp 

“SYDNEY!!! Oh my god! No- don’t tell me you haven’t looked!! You’ve been working so hard!” I tap her arm excitedly. 

“I literally couldn’t bring myself to look at them that’s why I wanted to get coffee” she said putting the car in drive and turning down the main road to get on the highway. 

“Dude! With all the attention The Bear has gotten since you opened last year, and like - what is it- four of the five most popular dishes are all yours!!! Bitch- Carmen should be scared! You are coming for his neck!” I laughed and she shakes her head, smiling wide. 

“I know..I know..but still like..” she sighs a bit “what if it’s like it was last year…what if- like…what if they just see our success as his success..he totally deserved all the awards last year, but- that to me is all the more reason for the voting panel to hand it to him. And he’s been on like 2 podcast interviews…and he has like a whole fandom online.” She said and I grab her hand that was moving as she spoke, squeezing gently. 

“Syd..Carmen isn’t a new chef- he’s already won that last year, sure he can take outstanding chef, if he’s nominated. But…” I swallow thickly. “I- I know Carm is amazing but like- cmon…Syd. You’ve been…the star of that restaurant now, the whole time you’ve been open. Carm is the handsome face that’s been media trained, yes we both know he’s a crazy genius chef mastermind- but - so are you! You’re younger then he is, and I have no doubt you’re nominated for something this year. Yeah, Carmy is getting the bear out there on social media by bein all sexy and stuff in interviews- but you are the one that’s being interviewed like weekly by those blogs and magazines” I said and her smile returns. 

“You’re right, you’re totally right. Totally. Carmen can’t be nominated for emerging chef again, he already won it.” She squeezed my hand gently. 

“Speaking of Carmen.” She eyes me through the rear view mirror. “Spill.” She said and I bit my lip, looking out the window as I played with my fingers nervously.  “Okay. What happened.” She demands, turning the radio lower. 

“I’m a idiot is what happened” I said embarrassed and pick at balls of lint on the inside of my sleeve. 

“Okay and this is becauseeee…” she drawls, waiting for me to continue. 

“Because I thought it’d be a good idea to try and help him realize that the reason things went the way they did with Mikey per his sister was because it sounded like Mikey was ashamed of his own skill set because of how talented Carmy was from so young, and he instead of being honest about it- took more of a tough- er- really icey love approach, and just - froze him out. Like threw him in the middle of the ocean to drown without his help for the first time and left him there. Because he thought it would make him tough. But it really just fuckin wounded him emotionally and Mikey had alot of guilt about that and - “ she interrupts my rambling. 

“Dude-“ she chuckles in shock. “Dude….you said that?!” She looks at me for a short second before looking back at the road. 

“Well- n-yeah? Something similar I guess in the moment when he’s looking at me with his sad blue puppy eyes I had a hard fuckin’ time getting anything coherent out. So he flipped his shit and had a panic attack and ran off to go see sugar I guess and then came back at like 7 am and told me he still wants to be with me then knocked out and was sleeping still when I left.” I said and she raised her eyebrows, thinking for a moment. 

“Hmm..well- I’m surprised he came back. He said that? Those words? Tell me exactly what he said when he came back.” She said and I roll my eyes. 

“Why are you the Carmy whisperer or something?” I huff lightly “he said like- ‘It was a lot at once baby it was late and we just fucked like that for the first time and I’ve never been so close to someone while I fucked them and I was too emotionally drained and that’s why I ran but I want you I want this’ “ I paraphrase from memory as best I could. 

“Holy shit what did you do to him?!” She teases with a giggle causing me to start laughing too. 

“What? What the hell do you mean!!” I tap her arm playfully. 

“I’ve never heard Carmen say he wants something emotionally unless it had to do with the restaurant. He doesn’t give a fuck about anything. So…hm…maybe- maybe this is good for him” she said the end to herself more than anything. 

I raised my eyebrows “should I be offended you thought I’d be bad for him?!” I cross my arms and she laughs. 

“You? No. God no. I say that because I knew you were good for him- but I thought he was gonna run himself ragged dodging his own feelings while simultaneously doing everything he can to make you fall for him and keep you interested just like he did to me. But hey- I’m happy genuinely, Pooh that you’re getting out there again. But…fair warning- when he starts acting like an asshole- and he has periods where he’s fully a fucking asshole, I swear it’s like a fuckin’ man period- know that you are gonna be the one we’re calling to get a leash on him cause the only time he acts okay about everything going on is after he sees you.” She said and I felt my cheeks heat. 

Did I really affect his attitude that much?!   “Spray ‘em with a spray bottle, it works on Sephy, he’s very cat-like so I assume it’ll work on him.” I said, and we both laughed.

“Oh my god you never skipped school?!” I asked Syd as we walked up the sidewalk to the coffee shop. 

“My dad would have killed me probably. What did you even do?” She asked and I laugh at all the memories. 

“Oh my god so, in high school- we uh…don’t talk anymore but - my best friend her name was Jane and she had a car first, so we in sophomore year during lunch would go eat out in her car and then…usually I would convince her to skip with me, cause I’m such a devil” 

She snorts a laugh “Fits” she opens the door to the coffee shop for me. 

“Why thank you, but anyway we would like usually drive around and blast music. Or we’d go to my house since my mom was never home and watch movies. And then Chris would get home and we’d fight about him giving me his notes since we were always in the same classes, and he’d tell me I was a fucking cheater - his favorite word.” I laugh a bit, getting in line with her. 

“It sounds like Chris and I would’ve been friends, that’s a cute story though. I always wished I had a sibling.” She said as she looked over the menu. 

“No singletons always say that, but you’d hate a sibling. Think Sadie how she’s all up in your shit, but from the day you were born” I giggle and she shook her head with a smile. 

“Yeah but I dunno. Sugar is super sweet, I wish I had a sister, but I guess Sadie’s close enough” she shrugged, stepping up with me in line. 

“What are you getting?” I asked, looking over the iced options. 

“Vietnamese iced coffee. They do it perfect here. I’ve been telling Carm it would do well on the dessert menu if we had one but, who am I to tell him what to add “ she mutters to herself, annoyance slightly lacing her voice and I nudge her with my hip. 

“Hey,” I nudge her with my hip, causing her to look at me. “He’s a man. He may be a genius chef, but he’s still, a man- make him think it’s his idea, Syd. Do your Sydney chef kid magic “ I did sparkle fingers for added effect, finally earning her dimples back. “Make the best fuckin Vietnamese iced coffee, and have someone else try it. Make him feel left out. And they’ll obviously be like ‘oh my god Syd, this is amazing’ and then, he’s gonna feel stupid if he doesn’t add it.” I said and she rolls her eyes amusedly. 

“I think you’re the Carmen whisperer. Well, you’ll be certified if that works” she said with a smile as we step up to the counter. 

“Hey there, can I have a name for the order?” The barista asked. 

“Winnie!” I replied before Syd could try to weasel her way into paying - again.   

“Ha! Fitting name, love the overalls. What can I get for you?” the barista chirped with a smile. 

“May we please have 2 large Vietnamese iced coffees, oh- and…” my eyes settled on the pastry case in front of us, a brown wicker basket on top filled with cookies in the shape of little bears. 

I grabbed one, handing it to her. “This.” I said and she nodded, putting in the order in her till. 

I double clicked my power button and quickly waved my phone over the till before Syd could think to and she nudged me with her shoulder causing me to smile. “Woops” I teased, taking the bag from the barista containing the little cookie for Carm. 

“You ladies can wait there at the end of the bar there we’ll call out your order, have a good one” she said. 

I nodded “thank you!” I said as we made our way down to the end of the counter to wait. 

“The second I saw those cookies I knew your mushy ass was getting one” she teased, leaning her hip against the counter and crossing her arms over her chest with a smug smirk. 

“Oh like you didn’t know I’m a hopeless romantic” I smiled. 

It wasn’t long until we got our coffees and sat at a comfy corner table. “I’ve never had this before- what is the white is it milk?” I asked and she nods, stirring hers with her straw. 

“It’s sweetened condensed milk. It sounds like it would be sickly sweet but the coffee is so strong it balances perfect. I was thinking…” she leans in so no one would hear. “If we did it, I’ll do like lavender in the milk, of course we’d make our own condensed milk, so I’d steep lavender in it before. Wouldn’t that be fire?!” She asked and I nod with a big smile. 

“You are so fuckin smart, Syd. That sounds amazing you’ll have all the witchy bitches me included coming by just to get that I bet” I stirred mine up and took a sip, nodding. “Totally something you guys would sell” I said and she smiled. I grabbed my phone, opening up the camera. “Smileee!” I said she gave me a silly smile and a thumbs up, coffee foam covering her top lip.

“Perfect” I giggled, sending it to Sadie with the caption ‘Our fave chef kid’ 

I put my phone down and look at her “Okay! You’re not denying me the pleasure of celebrating you any longer- take out your phone and let’s see if you’re nominated!!!” I urge and she bites her lip nervously, grabbing her phone, unlocking it, and setting it on the table. 

“If I got nominated I’ll have an email…you do it- I can’t look. I can’t” she pushes her phone towards me and I eagerly grab it, opening up her email and refreshing it. I smiled wide when I saw the words, clicking open the email and clearing my throat before reading 

‘Dear Chef de Cuisine; Sydney Adamu, 

We hope this email finds you well. 

The James Beard Foundation 2024 Awards Committee would like to extend their congratulations on such a fine year of culinary accomplishments. Your passion to the culinary arts, and dedication to our personal mission at TJBF to celebrate, support, and elevate the standards behind America’s food culture- doesn’t go unrecognized. 

This is why you have been nominated for the for the following awards;

Outstanding Chef ‘

I jump up, wrapping my arms around her with a wide smile, tears pricking behind my eyes. “Syd!!! You did it. You did it. I knew you would” I squeeze her tight. 

“Holy fuck” she grabs the phone, and I watch as she rereads the words over and over “holy fuck.” She whispers, jaw dropped. 

“I told you bitch!! Look at herrr okay!! Syd the chef kid! Everyone better watch out! You skipped right past emerging chef and went straight for the big one! Oh my god I can’t wait for you to tell Sadie!! Oh my god we need to celebrate!!” I pat her arm excitedly. 

“Wait-“ she said, scrolling further I quickly read the rest of the email, my heart sinking slightly when I saw the paragraph she was now stuck on. 

‘You have been nominated among 4 other extraordinary, and talented Chefs in the industry; 

Berzatto, Carmen (Executive Chef) 

Cantina, Jose (Executive Chef) 

Donner, Phillip (Executive Chef) 

Nixon, Jessica (Executive Chef) ‘

“So- they just fuckin’ nominated me against people that are all my senior? Are they joking” she laughs dryly. “And then to pit me against Carmen? What is wrong with them, Winnie?” She locked her phone, putting it back in her jacket pocket. “I just- I’d rather they had given me a fair chance. This just feels like they’re telling me straight up they won’t pick me.”  

“Syd - don’t get down on yourself, what if they put you in there because you’re the only Chef-de-fancypants that deserved it, hmm?” I said with a small smile and she snorts at the silly name. 

“That’d be a long shot…but thanks” she said, squeezing my hand gently. “C'mon- we have to get you to therapy and I need to get back. I should be working on recipes” she said and my frown returns. 

In this way, her and Carm were exactly the same. Whenever she was upset with herself she threw herself into her work instead of feeling. 

“Alright…” I said softly and got up, putting the brown paper bag containing Carm’s cookie in my tote carefully so it wouldn’t be crushed, standing up. 

The walk back to the car was silent, I could tell she was beating herself up and I hated it. 

“Y’know…it’s crazy you even got nominated so young, Syd. Everyone else on that list is at least 3 years older than you are…so like- they see you as deserving already, but it doesn’t even matter what they think, or what Carmen thinks, or what I think. You’re deserving because you know how much you put into your work.” I told her once we were driving again. 

She nodded, “thank you…really it means a lot. I know I’m deserving, I just wish sometimes other people would see it.” She said, and my heart ached. We listened to SZA the whole way, I decided it was better not to push her on the issue. I’d long since realized Syd was the kind of person who had to stew in her anger or hurt for a while, alone- so she was comfortable explaining it to someone else since she knew it like the back of her hand. It was alot how she did her work, she would never show anyone any new recipe she was working on - even Carm - unless she felt it was already deserving of a spot on the menu, because she knew the dish so well, and any possible thing that could make it better- and only approaches someone for final tweaks. 

When we stopped at the Doctors office I lean over and give her a hug. “It’s all gonna be ok, Kid. I love you, i’ll see you friday” I said softly into her shoulder and she rests her head on mine, hugging me close. 

“Thanks…Love y’too. It will be…” she said softly into my shoulder and I pulled away. 

“And I expect you’ll send me that new article to check out when they send it to you yeah? You looked so gorgeous in the pictures they took. Really, I cant wait to see the whole thing” I said and she nodded with a small smile. 

“Course Pooh, C’mon-” she taps the clock that read 1:54 “Gonna be late” she said and I rolled my eyes playfully.

“Yes Mommy” I teased, pushing the door open. “Later kid!” I said as I swung it shut and head in to the building.

Time to rip open some unhealed wounds! Oh what a joy.

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫

#carmen berzatto #the bear fic #the bear fx #carmy berzatto #carmen berzatto fanfiction #the bear hulu #carmy berzatto fanfiction #the bear fanfiction #carmen berzatto x oc #carmen berzatto smut #camy berzatto x oc

[kleefkruid]

Hello, I hope this isn't an awkward or rude ask, feel free to ignore tho, but I've been tentatively interested in polyam, but more specifically being in a relationship with two partners I love and cherish. I've seen a lot of posts say that this isnt how polyam stuff works tho and I have no touch stone other than my own lovey dovey fantasies, but I know you're polyam and I figured I'd ask what I should think of and or expect out of a polyam relationship? How does it all work? I hope I explained what I mean well enough. Thank you for your time!

Hi! I'm assuming by the way you worded this you're talking about a triad, a relationship where you are dating two people and they're also dating each other.

I'm gonna go into a few points here 1. triads and their prevalence 2. unicorn hunting, what is it and why is everyone yelling 3. how to 'look for a 3rd' in a not-terrible way 4. a little something else about polyam relationship dynamics

Triads exist! But it's true that outsiders assume it's the standard, as you'll notice in pop culture most poly people are triads, and also here on tumblr as a fanfic trope it's also very prevalent.

But in reality triads are not too common simply for the sheer statistic probability. You have to find someone you like, they have to like you. You also have to find someone else you like who also likes you. Then that first person must also like your second person, and your second person must also like your first person! And then after all this, you have 3 relationships (you+b, you+c, b+c) and you still have to find a way to make the 4th relationship dynamic work (you+b+c). Personally, none of my partners or other people I was connected with, have dated other people I'd wanna date. It's usually people I think are cool, good looking and I want them in my life, but they're not people I wish to date. All triads I have spoken or read their stories have kind off stumbled into it. Usually someone was already dating person b, starts dating person c, and by happenstance person b and c do find this connection. So, it happens, it's great when it happens, but it's just not likely purely bc of chance.

2. When talking about this, I have to quickly get into unicorn hunters, because you will run into this term, and you have some overzealous polyam people who will throw this at any person walking into the scene (looking at you, certain message boards) You might think allright, I'll start with finding my person B, and together we'll look around until we find someone we both like! And this is a fine idea, truly (*I am pushing a yelling crowd away at this point*) but there is a certain type of couple that have made this method veeeeery unpopular (and are responsible for like, 90% of the shit polyam people get online), and you have to make sure you're not those people, and then you'll be fine. This specific kind of couple is what people mean when they use the term unicorn hunters. Scenario: You have a mono couple. Usually a straight man and a bisexual/curious woman. They decide they want to dip their toes into polyamory. No problems at this point, although going from mono to poly is a whole post on it's own. But the man doesn't want another man in the relationship, he like the idea of having two girlfriends though, and his girlfriend is interested in girls anyway, so let's look for a girlfriend for us both! This girl they are looking for is what is jokingly refered to as a unicorn. Because they're looking for a bisexual woman (already a specific subgroup) who is poly (again, upping the rarity) who likes them both, equially, and who likes to be barraged by two complete strangers who are like "hey do you want to date us both or maybe have a threesome and see where is goes" A lot of these couples can be to forward (hence the 'hunting' part), because they don't know the dynamics of the poly scene they walked in, but they're usually also not knowlegable about the basics of the queer scene. They're the couples that message lesbians, not seeing how that's fucked up. Often the girl will match with someone on lesbian tinder, who's often not even poly, mind you, and then go "by the way, this is my boyfriend, wanna have a threesome?" If someone enters a relationship with those two, they're often treated as an assesory, lower on the ladder, and they're not allowed to date other people. It's pretty much universally a bad experience for the so called unicorn. It's a stereotype sure, but it's a really fucking prevalent one and any poly person has run into them, every wlw, whether they're poly or not, will have to slap they away when they enter any online dating or even when just existing. So that's why just being a couple looking for a 3rd, even if you're being perfectly respectful (which again, possible) will get an aggressive response in poly cirlces, because we all get the flak that's meant for those people. Lot's of people, especially again mono lesbians, don't even want to associate with me when they hear I'm poly bc of these people, while we get ecually harassed, but in their eyes, that's what poly people are, even though they're misbehaving tourists at best.

3. Now, I have talked about probability, what you shouldn't do, but this leaves the question, what should you do?

Firstly, take it easy, what needs to happen will happen. If you're interested in being polyam, just start with that. Dip your toes into the water without having a route or destination mapped out. If you get a better feel about how it is to be polyam and what the dynamics are like, it will be easier to figure out if being poly is something you want to really get into, and what you want from it. It's a learning process like anything is. Mono peoples first dating will differ wildly to the long term relationship they're in years later. It's just like that, again.

Practical, finding people. I recommend looking on poly specific dating websites. I met my current partner on feeld. The fun thing about feeld is that you can connect your current partners profile to yours. So you're matching people on your own, but you can be like: this is my other partner btw. Feeld is open for both people looking on their own, or couples. And people communicate in their bio what kind of thing they're after. You can also connect your partner for funsies without looking for a 3rd, the connected profiles I see are about 50/50. There are other poly or poly-friendly apps but I have not tried them so you'll have to ask around about those!

tinder: If you make a profile for yourselves just start with saying you're poly in your bio. If people give you shit after you were clear from the start, that's they're problem and they're just being an ass. If you're dating on your own, I would also mention this so people don't think some 2nd person will jump in after you match. I have succesfully dated on tinder as a poly person. I mentioned that I was poly, that I was dating one other person and that we were not looking for people together. I didn't have any mishaps with that. If you're dating and looking together: making a couple profile on tinder, I don't recommend, because again, people will take you for unicorn hunters even if you are not. If you're different genders you'll also get into the space of people who don't want to see you, like an m/f couple getting into a women only space. If you're a w/w couple or a m/m couple you can get into those spaces genreally, especially the mlm community is pretty open to open relationships (hehe) but be clear about what you're doing (start your bio with this) and leave people alone who aren't looking for poly/threesomes/whatever. People who are open to this will usually communicate this clearly. (I'm just talking about men and women here and not going into any kind of gender fluidity bc let's be real there's no dating website that has an ideal system in place when you're non-binary, so that's a bit of a case by case situation) If you're dating and looking together nr. 2: Don't walk up to strangers in bars. Just don't do it. Plain. Simple. You can meet irl people, but don't do it with this intent.

4. about polyam dynamics.

When you get into poly dating, you'll discover more relation dynamics (I get into solo-poly and relationship anarchy here, look into that). You'll figure out that a hinge relationship, like this:

is also a relationship between 3 people. You're not all romantically involved, but all relationships (family/friends/romance) are equially worthwile, and sometimes the lines will blur. I have friends I love a bit, I have friends I have sex with, I have friends I'll never have sex with. I'll love a metamour (partner of my partner) for the love they give my partner, but I don't want to date them. Maybe someday I'll have a metamour I do want to date. You can also have 3 people who all are dating each other, but do it sperately and don't want to turn it into a relationship between all 3 of them together. You have people who form a family and live together, but not all of them date each other. You have people who'll always live alone regardless of the people they're dating; Everything is possible, if you just communicate clearly and have the maximum respect for everyone involved.

I hope this little 1.0.1 thing was a bit helpful to you, if you have any more questions feel free to ask. It's a wide subject that can (and has) filled entire books but I'll try to give an intro as good as I can

#polyam #polyamory #poly #ask

[xxswagcorexx]

Hey do you maybe have any lifesteal fic recs? There’s not a lot of rec lists in this fandom and I’m not sure where to start!

okay so um. i am perhaps the Worst person to go to when it comes to this stuff because. You See,

if you want a more. comprehensible list, my two swagdoons fic recommendations is probably the best place to start (1, 2). i am also going to shout out the nevada series and no bills in the mail since i've seen a few people talk about them on tumblr and i love both of them!

but i have gone through my bookmarks and have complied some fics! all of these fics are complete :)

Sweet Berry Pie by beaningeneraldenial

Clown is a busy assassin with too much experience on him to not attract a lot of potential clients and employers. One contract has him going away on the week of his and Branzy's 2nd anniversary, which Branzy doesn't appreciate much. He knows, however, how to make their anniversary celebration good! He makes a pie… he only adds a bit of gunpowder in it. or: Clown should've left a post-it note on the fridge saying "Do NOT touch, Branzy!" before he left for the week. He regrets it only a little.

Repent, Harlequin by trafficpose

The problem with knowing Clown: suddenly, chaos was an option.

Tunnel Vision by jukeboxtea

Mid is far from a quiet person. But when she’s in battle, she’s deadly silent. (or, a short character study on Midmysticx.)

Wire snare by dogdomesticated

Getting a read on intent. What will kill you first: the toxin or the detonation? A short abstract exploration of Rekrap's character and themes in Lifesteal season 3.

Rollercoaster by Thrills (IWantToRemainASecret)

Branzy compares Clownpierce to a rollercoaster and other shenanigans.

i wouldn't blame you if you turned around by Anonymous

sometimes things don't go the way you want them to. it's a story clown has heard time and time again.

What do you see when you look at the stars? by lovecore_jpg

“..What do you see?” “..What?” Planet paused, a little confused by the question. “Like– when you look out at the stars. What do you.. see? ..Besides stars?” ---------------------- Planet likes to stargaze when everyone else is asleep. This time, somebody joins him.

Olethros by arospecitzsubz (Octaveice)

"Theoretically, the ruin goes before the grace. He'd named his sword for a reason."

Brown Eyes by PacificSeaOtter

Nobody knows what color Clownpierce's eyes are- not until Vitalasy, Subz, and Rek start a bet trying to figure it out. Thus ensues the saga of failed, but hilarious attempts to get Clown's mask off.

and I swear I could slit my throat with your dull knife by Scared_Rodent

Like a frozen lake, Branzy noticed how Ashswag's expressions hardly changed, how nothing he saw surprised him at all. Branzy remembered falling in love, remembering dates by the beach with nothing but his smile. On the deadliest server in the world, Branzy remembered him.

winter in prague; 1618 by whichlights

winter in prague; 1618. tensions are high after the defenestration of multiple catholic officials, and a war will break out not quite two years later. in this time of tensions, a vampire by the name of clownpierce is injured. his friend is there to care for him, at least.

drinks in new york; 1926 by whichlights

drinks in new york; 1926. prohibition has swept across the country, but that doesn't mean the party stops. world class performers, drinks, and more- all at greenwich village, a historical hub of gay activity. clown and redd have holed up in a townhouse in the village, and have been having a wonderful time in new york.

games to play on work break by Felix_J

"A boring place is what it is. Hell." Jaron says, and it might sound a little bitter. Ash gives him a blurry look. "No, why do you look at me like that." They've stopped asking questions, (Jaron knows asking questions is not a good thing, and generally, he doesn't care). "You think, that was such a hot resort, and Satan is the greatest of 'em, you're curious, right."

A man, a squid and a clown walk into an elevator… by Thrills (IWantToRemainASecret)

Branzy is crushing hard on the dutch man he and Chief share their elevator rides with, and he seeks to learn Dutch in order to form a connection with him. Too bad he can speak English. Too bad Chief isn't going to stop Branzy.

Now as the curtains rise up by softnoblade

Maybe next it’ll snow. Maybe the remains of this server will be preserved, frozen under layers and layers of snow and ice. Perhaps, decades from now, some unlucky archaeologist will stumble across the remains of this server, and simultaneously uncover both the preserved remains of war and the immortal beings that had slaughtered them.

def function (singularity): by Anonymous/np13

it's always why did you mess with your player data and you're missing half your data structures and never ‘how was playing with your data. messing with code looked fun was it fun’ (it is, right up until it's not.)

sunsets on powerlines by w_nter

It starts with a broken lightbulb in his hands, or maybe in a forest, or maybe in a cabin tucked deep in the woods. (or: a purpleduo + the darkest minds au)

bona fortuna by sinoptics

The god of chance enjoys a visit to the human realm.

throw a punch by vanivanilla

there’s not much to do in prison, or: planet and jaron have a brief conversation as they reset their hunger

In Moments Alone (In His Office, With Pillows And Tissues) by Clownsplin

Although his outward appearances suggest otherwise, Clownpierce's moments alone are filled with stiff joints, aching muscles, and tear-stained cheeks. He gets small moments throughout the day when his pain lessens, even if by an infinitely small amount.

atlantis by Anonymous

Planet is stuck in a space between life and death, waiting. (A million miles away, Jaron is in the same position. A couple of feet away, Bacon had tried to run. Turns out there's not a lot to do when you can't respawn without being immediately killed)

farewell to the port by Anonymous

The day Branzy becomes a pirate he wakes up on a small island somewhere in the Caribbean, drunk out of his mind and distinctly lacking shoes.  He thinks, somewhat despairingly, that he really should not be gambling again anytime soon.  or, The Golden Age of Piracy, and the situations and decisions that drive people to become outlaws.

lose the battles by Felix_J

"you lost." it states. unless there are any more tricks up planet's sleeve, which there shouldn't be. but planet... is a strange one. "thanks." they say, and that's right, that is a full blown smile. krow still can't figure out exactly how planet's expression works, but this piece shines out, same as his eyes shine. "thank you." planet repeats, like they're not sure krow heard, or do know it can't exactly believe its ears.

Phantom in Your Foyer by arospecitzsubz (Octaveice)

Half the damn crowd had been cheering.

Kiss me in the corridor, but quick to tell me goodbye (You say that you're no good for me) by Mx_Artemis

Ash is no stranger to evil, nor is he a stranger to ClownPierce. Honestly, is it such a crime that he wants to catch up with him?

The immortal and his assassin by Thrills (IWantToRemainASecret)

He opened the door without any theatrics, no slow creak open or dramatic swing wide, he simply opened it like he was an old friend visiting a familiar face. And- Hold up, that is a familiar face. The soon-to-be-dead man was sitting on the edge of his bed, eyes shut as he slowly sipped at his cup of tea. He opened his eyes lazily, half-lidded gaze settling on Clown’s face in a way that made him feel as if he had been drenched in freezing cold water. Because he had killed his man before.

no hard feelings by sinoptics

“Hey, Redd,” Clown starts as he reaches Redd, voice ever so slightly out of breath, and then he pauses awkwardly. “So.” “So?” Redd repeats, confused as to where this is going to go. “Our arrangement is off. From now on.” Clown states. What the fuck.

or; the fic in which Clownpierce fumbles not one but two bad bitches

anything you say can and will be held against you by Felix_J

It's funny to see how Red tries to process the little things and guess if they belong to Ash, or Ash's persona that doesn't differ from him as much as he thinks, or maybe much more so, or just things Ash makes up. Ash likes to add a lot to the last pile. Poke around, like a little challenge, reminder he's not all that easy. Currently, with the fucking fish. roses and smoke week, day 6: aquarium | fantasy

For that star trapped in your chest by dogdomesticated

Thunderclouds. Stuck waiting around for Vitalasy to show up, Subz goes down a line of thinking he's been avoiding, and by then it's too late. Something about trust, something about defining what you can't see. Light, and where to find it.

The Boy and The Forest by BearAndHoney

As the tale goes there is a boy who wants to be king adn loved. And as the tale goes there is a forest full of mysteries that one else has been brave enough to explore.

the fox's young master by Felix_J

He finds a fox in the forest, dark fur-broken leg, and it reminds him, as it always does. He takes it home to fix it up, and it doesn't matter if it's just a mindless creature, if. To pass its time, he tells it a story. roses and smoke week, day 3: myths | gods

foreguess by Felix_J

I'd never go on dates just like that, after being married so long, you know that, Ash? Red'd move his head on the seat, and he wouldn't be able to see his eyes through the sunglasses. What's even the point of that kinda date? He would continue, not really ask, because of course he has to poke and argue, it always goes in a loop. Even though he knows, and he agrees with Ash. Thanks, Red, Ash'd answer and break it, because there'd be something in his stomach that's so soft, there is. roses and smoke week, day 2: swap | horror

predictable shows by Felix_J

"I'm rewatching the footage for the auditions, yeah." Red nods, slack. He considers picking the remote from his hands to push unpause, but doesn't think Ash won't find it a serious offence and make it end up on the floor in a corner at all. or, "one of them is lying" boosfer + swagdoons swap. roses and smoke week, day 2: swap | horror

The Mourner by Anonymous

The mourner stands in the open, partially hidden in the smoke. Holding out a bouquet of roses as they wait for their loved on to return.

Case #091413 - Always Bet On Red by orphan_account

Case #091413 Statement of… Branzy? No last name given apparently, about a relationship of unclear nature with someone only known as “Clown”. Dated September 13th 2014, recorded by Zachery Prince at the Institute Cordum.

little comforts by sinoptics

He turns to Vitalasy then, who’s tending a pot on the stove. “Hey, uh,” He starts, and Vitalasy makes a hum of acknowledgement. “Zam could probably use some affection.”

Mutual Hell by Kappuccinokat

Mapicc exhaled, frustrated, and stood up, walking over to the empty window. Zam tried not to relax too much. “I’m assuming this is hell, then.” He drummed his fingers on the window sill. “That’s what I gathered, yeah.” — Or; Zam had lost it all, and now as he awaits his fate in hell, a familiar face threatens to break his resolve.

Homemade Headache Cures by ros_is_writing

“Vitalasy,” Subz announced. “I can’t fucking see, and it fucking hurts.” He emphasized his point by knocking his head against Vitalasy’s shoulder, the metal of his armor hurt slightly. Vitalasy made another sympathetic noise in the back of his throat and bumped his chin to Subz’s head. Normally their head bumps were comforting to Subz, but now they just made his head hurt worse. Damn these fucking glasses.

Siren's Song by KingdomKey

The Phantoms are a renowned pirate crew who sail the seven seas. Their ship comes across a rocky island, and as they carefully traverse it, they come upon a strange creature. It certainly isn't friendly.

sweet dreams i'll always share with you by Anonymous/cutthesky

Red can transform into a plush version of himself (a big Minidoons). Shenanigans ensue one day as Ash and Red wait to fall asleep.

Cut it Out by Anonymous

He always had Ro and his knife, didn't he?

Lifesteal > Eastside > Create a Posting by bloodynocturne (avoxutopia)

Craigslist has always been an odd place, a collection of people in the same place; selling, buying, searching, looking to give or take something. And sometimes, there's small connections. People searching for each other in a circle, narrowly missing one another every time.

Southbound by ros_is_writing

“We could always use the above ground station,” Planet said in the same tone of voice that they used before. Nonchalant, bored even. Like they hadn’t just suggested an actual crime. “No.” Bacon said immediately. “That’s illegal.” “What’s illegal?” Jaron asked.

Poopies' Fun Day in the Hypixel Pit by rainy_writez

With the end of Lifesteal season 4, Poopies the endermite (who is still here somehow because it defies the mere concept of law) has become restless. So Spoke takes it to the Hypixel Pit for a fun day of incomprehensible violence. Surprisingly, Poopies ends up leaving with a new friend… or maybe more?

losing by B0LTZ

take a breath, spit out the blood in your mouth, and get back up on your feet. you still got a couple of motherfuckers to prove wrong

see with your two eyes by Felix_J

He's not a god, because the flag Red sails under doesn't believe in gods. And then he's wrong. In the reasoning, not the other thing.

carry me to tomorrow by Anonymous

Ash chooses to trust himself to the unwavering night.

mixed media: flesh, electricity, bone by Anonymous

“Do you think we’re friends in other universes too?”

(hello) my old heart by Anonymous

What he doesn’t ask is why Ash chooses, over and over, to step through that door, through Lifesteal and Earthbound and the wastelands of an apocalypse. The void knows how many other worlds they’ve followed each other through without a second thought.

fun activities to do with the person you're stuck under house arrest with by oneirogen

Open heart surgery doesn’t even rank up high in the number of weird shit he’s done on this server. Maybe approaching the top tens, if he's being generous.

smile for the camera (repeat and do it over) by gin (tabanthas)

You’re an ally and an enigma at the best of times. At the worst, you are a challenge. You are never, never a friend. OR: rek and his trust issues &lt;3

divine intervention by Anonymous

"If we went through this all again," he says, and it sounds so far away. "Would we still find each other?" (Less than a metre away, Jaron stares at the sky. To his side, Bacon looks at the rubble by their feet. Even when you know it's coming, the end still feels like a loss you can't prepare for)

a parting of clouds by genesis_frog

What do you say, after all of that? Subz and Zam's first conversation after the sign room.

there will be darkness again by genesis_frog

Zam has been in the Eclipse Federation nearly a month now. Subz is getting more and more obvious by the day. Vitalasy steps in.

let me hold it lightly by genesis_frog

It’s a quiet life, outside the world border, but it’s one Zam and Subz have made for themselves.

to the previous respondee: by orioncataclysmic

IMAGE: more bolded comic sans. This time, it’s held up by washi tape, patterned with dicks. It reads: i like war and death and asthma attacks and if you don’t you’re a bitch and your moms a hoe OR: a battle of wits, told through an apartment corkboard, messages between Zam and Mapicc, and glimpses into Mapicc and Bacon's lives

Steam Heart by enderpearlnecklace

After sneaking onto an airship full of pirates, Branzy tries to find a way to escape.

Dear Diary: Today, I killed someone by Fey_wilde

Squiddo prides herself on her excellent memory. It’s one of her only positive attributes, one she can count on in nearly every situation. In just a blink of the eye, she can recall a story, an adventure. Every single bit of data crams itself into her head, sorting into neat piles, ones she can sift through with speed and efficiency. Mobs, history, abandoned places, extinct worlds, glitches, she knows them all. Her memory never fails. Yet, no matter how hard she tries, no matter how many hours she spends lying awake, unseeing eyes staring at the ceiling of her makeshift base, she just can’t remember why. Why did I join Lifesteal?

New Years Eve by Nox_aMillion

Going to the roof was a tradition the two of them had for New Years because apparently they liked extreme parkour off a roof while fireworks actively went off. Or the privacy was nice. Something like that.

Halloween Night by Nox_aMillion

Honestly they had done everything else there was to do on Halloween at this point. They were even dressed in repeat costumes, Red as a demon and Ash as a vampire. (Yes they could be more creative but any costume was a costume.) The two had been coming back from a fear farm when Red mentioned that there was a party at this house tonight. It was nearly two in the morning by the time they got here but the party was still going strong. Parties in houses like this didn’t end until the police got there.

#mcyt #lifesteal smp #tw swearing #media.warning.swearing #anyways i am tired so. #top 10 worst things to ask core swagcore: do you have fic recs #because Oh Boy do i #anyways hope u enjoy ^_^ #mailbox.core

[tinyywriterr]

WHO WILL IT BE?

*+:｡.｡.·:*¨༺༻¨*:·.｡.｡:+**+:｡.｡.·:*¨༺༻¨*:·.｡.｡:+*

{Nanami + Toji + POC Reader}

∘°∘♡∘°∘𝓒𝓗𝓐𝓟𝓣𝓔𝓡 𝓣𝓔𝓝 ~ 𝓡𝓞𝓤𝓝𝓓 𝓣𝓦𝓞∘°∘♡∘°∘

⟿ Song to Go with the Chapter: Cockiness (Love It) by Rihanna AND OR Lollipop by Lil Wayne [Nanami + Toji + Reader theme song for this chapter] {both of these songs use to be my jam as a kid 2000 kids STAND UP}

⟿ Word Count: 5,200 +

⟿ Toji + Reader short smut scene | Nanami + Reader smut scene & Toji watches | plot building + dialogue

⟿ Summary: A couple hours later you’re ready for round 2 not knowing what you’d get yourself into. Once you were asleep Nanami asks Toji a random question that might change a lot for everyone involved. Will Toji accept? And will you be okay with the decisions being made behind your back?

*+:｡.｡.·:*¨༺༻¨*:·.｡.｡:+**+:｡.｡.·:*¨༺༻¨*:·.｡.｡:+*

𝓒𝓸𝓷𝓽𝓮𝓷𝓽 𝓦𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰: contains smut, pet names, the use of every hole, cream pie, fingering, oral sex, dom/sub, soft dom vs semi hard dom, threesomes, light BDSM, fem reader, black fem reader/you, and etc. [please don’t read if easily triggered or not 18 +]

◈━◈━◈━◈━◈

𝓐𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓻𝓼 𝓝𝓸𝓽𝓮: 18+ please & please don’t copy and paste my story anywhere else. This chapter is slightly shorter than the last chapter sadly but I hope the smut makes up for it. ANYWAYS, this is my first tumblr fic so if you leave a heart, reblog, or comment it’s greatly appreciated! If there are any errors I am open to anyone correcting me in the comments, leaving feedback, or dming me. I hope you will enjoy this as much as I did when I wrote this!

'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*𝒲𝒜𝒦𝐼𝒩𝒢 𝒰𝒫 𝒜 𝒞𝒪𝒰𝒫𝐿𝐸 𝒪𝐹 𝐻𝒪𝒰𝑅𝒮 𝐿𝒜𝒯𝐸𝑅 | 𝒴𝒪𝒰𝑅 𝒫𝒪𝒱✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

 

 

You open your eyes slowly looking around as you do. You look to your left and right and see the two big men lying next to you. They opted to put their boxers back on but you’re still naked sandwiched between the two of them. Not wanting to move you just look at Nanami who’s sleeping peacefully while hugging on your waist and one leg hooked around your leg. Toji has his arm around your neck and another in your hair playing with it as he’s awake. 'Fuck, I forgot my bonnet!' You think to yourself slightly frustrated at how you keep forgetting.

 

 

“Finally up I’m itching to smoke one,” Toji complains while rubbing his temples now. You chuckle softly before fully sitting up and moving Nanami’s limbs slowly so as to not disturb him. You scoop down and throw your dress back on; it’s a long one touching the floor made of cotton, solid black, and strapless.

 

 

“Come upstairs we can smoke one real quick before Kento wakes up.” You whisper trying not to overuse your voice as it was hoarse all because of Toji. You walk out of the room beginning to walk upstairs and you feel Toji staring you down as he follows closely behind you. You get to your shared room with Nanami and swing the door open. You waltz to the bathroom to freshen up really quickly since everyone’s juices are dry on your body. You wet a rag as you pull your dress up over your butt and wipe yourself up recounting the fun morning you’ve had so far.

 

 

‘Who says it has to stop here,’ you think devilishly to yourself before walking back out. Toji’s sitting on your bed now and looking around your room examining it; making sure to take in every detail.

 

 

“You like to decorate or clutter a space but it’s cute,” he blurts out as you sit next to him. You lean over to your bedside table and open the vintage cigarette dispenser, Toji raises an eyebrow. “Now I need one of those.” He points out as you hand him a cigarette. He pops it in his mouth and you light it for him loving the intimacy between the two of you.

 

 

‘I wonder if Ken would be okay if I asked for a second boyfriend. Toji would be a great addition,’ you think to yourself as you put the cigarette between your lips.

 

 

“Let me light that for you,” Toji suggests grabbing the lighter not really waiting for a response, and lighting your cigarette.

 

 

You take a long drag and smile as you exhale; “I had fun with you today. I'd hate for it to end.~” You tease lustfully while leaning on his shoulder which makes him tense up slightly. You look up at him and he’s blushing softly trying to just smoke his cigarette.

 

 

“How did you know I liked you?” Toji inquires taking another long drag and exhaling just as quickly.

 

 

“You turned down Angel, practically melted when I gave you a lap dance, and lastly you couldn’t keep your eyes off me all night whenever I was working. Same as Kento,” you explain in between a couple of puffs of your cigarette. Toji looks at you flabbergasted as he didn’t think you’d notice.

 

 

“I uh, can’t deny you’re beautiful and I’d do anything to protect you. But I’ve been wanting to tell you that I um, have a son,” Toji explains trying not to look at you until you force him to by grabbing his face.

 

 

“I don’t care if you have a kid or kids Toji. I bet you’re an amazing dad, what’s his name anyway? What’s he like?” You ask sincerely turning your full attention to him.

 

 

“Well, his name is Megumi. He’s a smart kid, but quiet not as loud as me. He is a good mixture of me and my ex. I’ve finally been able to get him into a private school and he’s made some friends like Yuji and Nobara. I haven’t always been a good guy or a great father at that. I used to be a hitman for a crime boss named Ryomen, Sukuna. I was just doing it for the money and because I was good at it. I wasn’t able to keep my kid while I was doing it which ruined our relationship and he’s somewhat wary of me now. Mainly because I’d come and go a lot sometimes coming home hurt no kid should go through that so I sent him to his mom. Also, I felt I was losing myself just wanting money and enjoying the killing I was doing so I decided to stop. I was gambling a lot and for a while, once I quit but then I met Nanami. It was a random day at a boujee club I had no business being at just gambling money away and getting drunk as all hell. Nanami offered me a job to be his on-hire bodyguard whenever he needed or for whoever. It’s really helped with getting on the right track and beginning to be able to provide for my son.” Toji recounts heaving a sigh as he finishes venting along with his cigarette putting it out and passing it to you. You turn to put the cigarette butt away in the ashtray and smile at him as you turn back around holding his hand with your free hand.

 

 

“You did what you thought was right, even if it wasn’t. People will do a lot in order to know their family is okay and financially taken care of. I’m glad you met Kento when you did and were able to get back on the right track. I bet your ex and Megumi are happy that you’ve elevated yourself,” you say reassuringly rubbing the back of his hand now. You turn to put your cigarette out and to toss it into the ashtray but as you turn back Toji is inches away from you now.

 

 

“I haven’t opened up to anyone like that, before. You bring out the soft side in me no one’s been able to do that besides my ex and my kid,” Toji explains looking at your lips as he starts to bite his. You lean in closer and so does he so soon enough your lips collide. Toji is rough, full of desire, but it still has a hint of love behind it. Both of you kiss each other feverishly exploring each others lips trying to memorize every movement. Toji pulls away biting your lip as he softly places his hand behind your head. Once apart you look into each others eyes searching for answers. “You’re an amazing kisser and lover,” Toji praises rubbing your head softly before falling into the bed. You follow him lying down as well crawling over to your side as Toji has picked Nanami's side.

 

 

“Thank you, you as well Toji…” you say as you both curl up and Toji starts to cradle you in his arms. You both fall silent enjoying each others company until you feel something poking you. You look down and see the growing tent in Toji’s boxers. Looking back up at him he has a devious look on his face as he slowly pulls his boxers down. You feel the hot appendage smack you on the thigh and you can’t help but chuckle softly. Once done Toji tosses the boxers across the room as he crawls on top of you, you can’t help but stare at his muscles. Particularly his arm muscles how cut and defined they are it’s like you could see each one. You return your attention to his face as he smirks down at you simultaneously pulling your dress off. Once off he stares at your naked body under him so curvy and soft. Toji begins to lick from your neck down to your stomach and back. After a couple of times, he goes down to your sore pussy all swollen and puffy. He blows cool air on your slick opening making you squirm slightly.

 

 

“You’re still craving to be stuffed brat? I’m going to change that for you,~” Toji coos before going straight in and devouring your pussy. He’s sloppy and feverishly as he eats you out. Sucking and licking everything with no real coordination but it feels good. It’s different from earlier and the past men you’ve had. Toji sticks 3 fingers into you hooking into you immediately making you gasp as he continues to sloppily suck on your clit and folds. You moan loudly arching your back as he’s quickening the pace pulling up for air and using his free hand to torture your clit now. “Look at you melting right in my hand you’re such a slutty brat. Cum for me brat. I’m ready to stuff you full of me and have you all to myself,~” Toji teases before kissing up and down your thigh making you squirm and buck your hips as he adds a new sensation to the torture. Your stomach tightens and you squeeze your eyes close as just hearing him talk to you like this makes you go crazy. You grit your teeth together before howling loudly arching your back like you're in the exorcist. Toji laughs loudly as he sees you becoming a mess under him soon after he pulls his fingers out of you making you groan. Toji swipes his dick at your slick entrance one time before just shoving it in deep inside of you making you gasp for air. You claw at his back as he grabs your legs pulling them apart further before leaning more on top of you. Now chest to chest he slams into you making you yelp as he starts to thrust into you at the same depth and speed. You drop your arms as your strength is leaving you but instead, you grip onto your sheets tightly. Toji begins kissing your jawbone nibbling on it before getting to your neck and practically biting you not truly caring about the sore love bites already there. Your moans echo throughout the room and probably the whole house but you could care less. This pleasure was amazing but nothing was better than you and Kento. There was a certain connection you two have that no one could top but Toji was fairly close. Toji pulls away slowly before grabbing your legs again and propping himself on his knees. You without thinking hook your legs with your arms to make it all easier for him. With your knees to your shoulders now Toji grins as he grips your hips and love handles. He slams into you again hitting your already bruised cervix making you groan loudly. Returning back to his original pace Toji drills deep into you making you dig your nails into your own skin. The sound of his balls slapping on your ass echoes throw the room making you smile softly. Soon Toji shifts slightly to the side to hit it at a different angle making you lose your grip on your legs but he grabs them just in time. Using one hand he grips your legs to keep them in place and chokes you lightly with his other hand as his pace quickens. “Fuck your tight brat you feel so good,~” Toji praises as he tilts his head back. But with his words you clench around his dick moaning loudly with pleasure. Causing Toji to go silent as he loses control and slams into you at an unbelievable speed. He keeps this up for a couple moments before releasing deep within you maybe even into your actual womb. You whimper as he stops moving and pulls his dick out suddenly standing up just as fast. He smacks your ass loudly as he watches cum spill out of you and stain the bed.

 

 

“Awww, I missed all the fun,~” Nanami teases from the door looking straight at you with eyes full of lust and a tinge of jealousy.

 

 

‘When did the door open? I bet he heard me from downstairs, fuck,’ you think to yourself as you’re still a mess on the bed trembling from all the sensations. Toji slips his boxers on and sits in a chair in perfect view of the bed.

 

 

“Aw, don’t be like that Nanami I was prepping her. I’ll just sit back and watch,” Toji teases as he leans back into the chair smirking. Nanami walks over to you silently looking at the cum spilling out of you before smacking your sore pussy not too hard but enough to make you whimper softly.

 


“You had fun without me princess. I don’t know how I feel about that,” Nanami says bluntly running his fingers up your leg before swiping your entrance making you squirm. “What to do to you? What to do? Toji can you grab some nipple clamps and a vibrator from downstairs.” Nanami requests as he looks at you smiling as he can’t help but love how spent you look. He crawls on top of you kissing you passionately while nipping at your lip as you moan wanting more of him. “So impatient and so oversexed,~” Nanami teases flicking your nipple which makes you bite your lip. “You know you are mine right?” Nanami asks coldly looking deep into your eyes.

 

 

“Yes, daddy,~” you say softly returning the eye contact trying not to be flustered under his gaze. But, within seconds you crumble and you couldn’t help but get shy all of sudden. You still couldn’t go toe to toe with Nanami. You turn your head as heat starts to explode in your cheeks.

 

 

“But I don’t mind sharing, my love. I just get a little jealous, you understand right?” Nanami says tilting his head slightly before kissing your ear and biting your earlobe softly. Toji returns with the toys Nanami requested placing them on the bed and sitting down again. Nanami slyly grabs the nipple claps and vibrator before pulling away and putting the nipple clamps on you. You moan softly as the cold metal actually feels good on your sore nipples. With the vibrator in hand, he crawls back down to your pussy placing the vibrator on your clit. “Hold the vibrator, my love.” Nanami requests not waiting for the answer as he turns it on to the highest speed with a remote he has next to him. You gasp at the feeling of it being turned on and buck your hips slightly into Nanami. In response he sticks his tongue into your cream pied entrance. It shocks you but you don’t have a lot of time to soak it all in before he begins licking at your folds switching between the two. With his free hand, he tugs on the chain that is connecting the nipple clamps making you yelp while simultaneously bucking your hips in his face. Nanami laughs before pulling his mouth away and shoving 4 fingers deep within you fingering you at an insane pace. You moan as the sound of the juices being pumped out of you is so erotic. Nanami turns the vibrator down trying to torture you and make you beg for mercy. You mewl loudly and look at Toji who’s watching and stroking his dick. All the while he’s licking his lips at the sight he’s seeing. Nanami uses his hand that was tugging on the chain to force you to look at him. “Don’t forget that I am here princess. Don’t hurt my feelings,~” he teases turning up the vibrator speed and picking up the pace of fingering you. He lets go of your face tugging on the chain again gaining a deep guttural moan from you as your stomach starts to tense up. Out of nowhere, you spray Nanami’s lower torso and fingers coating them in your juices. He pulls his finger out of you and licks them seductively before smacking your ass. “Keep that vibrator right where it is, my love. And bend over on the bed feet flat on the ground.” Nanami commands crawling off of you and pulling his boxers off before coming behind you bent on the bed. Without warning or question, he shoves his dick inside of you making you gasp softly gripping at the sheets with your free hand. He bucks his hips deep within you as Toji’s cum coats his dick which made you 10x more slick. Grabbing your love handles he plows into you making you groan with each thrust as it keeps hitting you’re demolished cervix and walls. Nanami leans down so his chest is on your back and he grabs your neck practically lifting you up with his dick fucking up into you which gives him an idea. “Drop the vibrator give me your arms.” He commands so you do as he says and he starts to pull on your arms slightly as he leans back. Your feet are off the ground now as he pulls you all the way down his length to the point you feel his pubic hair on your butt. Nanami thrust deep into you fucking up into you filling you up and giving you no way of running away. Your moans grow louder as each thrust breaks your mind.

 

 

“You feel so good Ken fuck. Pump me full of your cum daddy,” you request in a breathy tone and Nanami doesn’t respond just focused on demolishing you to the point you can’t move. You groan loudly as you cream around him again but there’s no tightening or warmth in your stomach as it was just flowing out of you at this point. You’ve cum so much today that you’re starting to go numb from the bottom down. Your clit practically has a heartbeat as you continuously cum on Nanami’s dick going silent as you are overstimulated. Nanami stops all of a sudden as he groans loudly saying your name like a chant within seconds he cums deep within you. He doesn’t let go though but bucks his hips as if he’s trying to make sure it’s all in there. Still inside of you, he leans down picking you up from the legs and getting into bed.

 

 

“Toji if you are done grab the tin box in her bedside table and spark it she’ll need it. And come lay with us, I think she likes laying with the both of us.” Nanami asks as you tremble in his arms and not coherent at all. Toji does as the man says upset he didn’t get to get his nut off as he has come accustomed to your touch not even wanting to beat himself off; it didn’t feel the same. Pulling his boxers up he gets in bed puffing on a perfectly stuffed joint you have rolled Toji then passes it to Nanami as he exhales slowly.

 

 

“Shit, I haven’t smoked in a while that shit is good,” Toji says as he caresses your face but looks and speaks to Nanami.

 

 

“Ya, I got a friend to start dropping off here. He gets it from Amsterdam and brings back here I hated the shit she was smoking before it was dirt,” Nanami says chuckling softly as he takes a couple of puffs before putting it in between your lips. Like it’s part of your computer programming you inhale taking a long drag before using an un-trapped hand to pull it out to exhale.

 

 

“Fuck..” is all you can muster up to say before taking another long drag from the j feeling the effects immediately thankfully it made your legs not hurt as much. But your sore pussy is still being stretched as Nanami is still inside of you bucking into you every now and then when you clench around him.

 

 

“You’ve had a good day today?” Nanami inquires watching you take a couple more puffs before passing it to Toji.

 

 

“Yes, daddy,” you mumble sleepily thinking about how all you’ve done was get fucked. You snuggle into Nanami as he’s being passed the joint all of you smoke in silence as you slowly fall asleep leaving Nanami and Toji to finish the j and talk.

 

 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*𝐼𝒩 𝒯𝐻𝐸 𝐵𝐸𝒟 | 𝒩𝒜𝒩𝒜𝑀𝐼 & 𝒯𝒪𝒥𝐼 ’𝒮 𝒫𝒪𝒱✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

 

 

After finishing the joint with Toji Nanami slowly slips out of you as his dick has gone flaccid and watches as the cum leaks out of you. Standing up suddenly he slips on his boxers and you moan softly at the new emptiness and the coldness you felt in your sleep. You shift a little but thankfully don’t wake up and begin to snoring slightly. Nanami chuckles sitting back down slowly and Toji stands up completely and then fully gets out of bed. You groan as it starts to get cold shuffling over to where Nanami was sitting.

 

 

“I guess I can’t leave. But thank you for doing this I don’t know how she would’ve felt if you rejected her.” Nanami says turning to you to rub your side to keep you asleep.

 

 

“Like I said I’ve dreamt about a day like this. I hope I didn’t offend you when I said that it’s just your girl is beautiful and so caring I was shocked that she even brought it up to you.” Toji says crossing his arms and looking out the window as the sun has begun to set now.

 

 

“No, you didn’t offend me I understand it completely. I was the same way with her when I first saw her. She’s so enchanting I just had to know her and she made me think about things I tried to push out. But I have a feeling she’d want to keep this going honestly. She loves you very much I bet she’d want to have us all be together as a couple.” Nanami explains in between chuckles as the thought of that was interesting, to say the least. The two of them are two completely different people in a relationship with you an ethereal woman.

 

 

“I mean, that’d be cool. We’d share her and get to make her a mess almost every day that’d be a dream.” Toji says not thinking before he spoke shaking his head as he replayed what he just said in his head.

 

 

“We do get along pretty well and she’s spent from today. If we were to become a poly couple I could connect you with more work opportunities and it’d be great to have someone here to keep her company while I try to start this small business.” Nanami explains like he’s actually thinking about it. He never saw himself being in a polyamorous relationship but he’s found out a lot of new things about himself recently. “Toji, I’m serious it’ll be like a little surprise for her she won’t see this coming from either of us at all. You could stay here and even bring Megumi she’s great with kids and it’s not far from Tokyo. I don’t know your co-parenting schedule or situation right now but I bet we could work something out.” Nanami states trying to sell the idea to Toji but he’s still looking out the window starting to contemplate his decision.

 

 

‘I mean it’s better than living in that shoebox of an apartment. Megumi could bring his friends over and actually have fun. I’d be in a throuple and I get access to seeing y/n more and get to fuck her whenever with or without Nanami. It’s not the worst idea…’ Toji thinks to himself rubbing his chin as he runs through all possibilities and outcomes.

 

 

“I’m in but I am keeping the apartment I have just in case,” Toji explains looking at Nanami now smirking softly. “You must really love her..” he says softly looking at you now sleeping so peacefully looking like an angel.

 

 

“I do, I really do but I can also tell you do as well. I noticed as well as time went on and I even became jealous. But I thought to myself maybe I’m just being selfish and controlling maybe I am not but still. I don’t want to stifle your feelings and make you not experience what I am experiencing. I see she brings out that side in you Toji, she does the same for me. Who am I to rob you of that experience? And when she told me she wanted to fuck you or have a threesome with you it turned me on thinking about us both demolishing her.” Nanami explains looking at you as well you scrunch up your nose and groan softly before shifting again.

‘So beautiful and perfect how could I not share you, my love? Maybe I’m jumping the gun but everything has gone so fast and has felt so right this feels no different than when I asked her out.’ Nanami thinks to himself as he bites the inside of his cheek as anxiety grows thinking he possibly could mess the whole thing up.

 

 

“Wow she really has changed you, man I need a drink this is something..” Toji teases walking out of the room and downstairs. Nanami kisses you on the cheek covering you with the covers before following behind Toji meeting at the base of the stairs. “I’m gonna grab my clothes and put them on real quick.” Toji explains dipping into the sex room and re-entering wearing his grey sweatpants and black shirt handing Nanami his clothes. Nanami slips them on shaking his head as he didn’t realize he was just walking around with his boxers on.

 

 

 

“Follow me, my office has all the whiskey in it,” Nanami explains guiding Toji to the office and swinging the door open showing a clean and orderly room. His office is dark with one big window in the middle of the wall facing the street. Nanami pushes out a whiskey cart and sits down on a couch that’s conveniently positioned across the room in a nook. Toji plops down next to Nanami heaving a sigh and picking up a cup Nanami pours him a generous amount of ‘Hibiki 30 year old blended whiskey’; Toji nearly jumps out of his skin taking his first sip.

 

 

“How the fuck are you drinking this neat also isn’t this an almost ¥1,000,000 yen Nanami!?” Toji exclaims puckering his lips trying not to spit out the alcohol and Nanami just nods ‘yes’ as he laughs and takes a sip. The two men sit in silence both thinking about what they both just agreed to. “You won’t try to kill me if I get her pregnant right?” Toji teases trying to break the silence and taking a smaller sip from his glass.

 

 

“No, I wouldn’t but she’s on the pill so I am not too worried about it. But she would look even more beautiful pregnant,” Nanami says daydreaming about you pregnant and glowing. “I will control my jealousy but we can give it a trial run to see how you feel about it by the end of the week. You don’t have anything planned or jobs lined up this week do you?” Nanami inquires twirling his cup as he thinks about how this will all play out.

 

 

“No, I’d be happy to fuck your girl all week and see if I wanna commit.” Toji teases laughing softly as the drink and joint were affecting him.

 

 

“Then let me know by Friday how you feel about it,” Nanami says ignoring what Toji just said but just smirks shaking his head. “You are a devious dog aren’t you,” Nanami teases this time taking another sip of his drink and finishing it off.

 

 

“You saw what I did,” Toji replies taking another small sip trying not to waste the drink. “We had her trembling like a leaf and before you barged in she was spent,” he explains pointing at Nanami.

 

 

“You saw her she wanted me,” Nanami says grinning from ear to ear now. They both chuckle thinking about how you were so ravenous for the both of them.

 

 

“Serious question, do you want to marry her Nanami? Like you said she has made you think, change for the better for yourself, and you even seem happier around her. Why not just take her completely off the market now.” Toji inquires just chugging the rest of the glass and coughing a little bit once he was done.

 

 

“I do actually she really brought out a new Nanami Kento one I never expected. I’ve always been gentlemanly but this go around courting her I enjoyed doing it. Even if I wanted to devour her right then and there. But she was amazing and fun to be around even if I wasn’t fucking her yet. She was refreshing to be around I didn’t feel like I had to show out for her. I just was me and she adored that even if I was in my growing stages when we started to talk seriously. Also ever since I met her I wanted to protect her don’t get me wrong the past women I was with I’d protect them. But I never truly worried about their feelings or ambitions. I would die for y/n.” Nanami explains staring into his empty glass recounting how you two first met, when he came over to your house, when you guys went on your first date, and the first kiss. Nanami began to feel heat rush to his face so he bowed his head trying to hide the bright red blush covering his cheeks.

 

 

“Wow, that was deep Nanami I understand how you feel. Just protecting her for those few months was enough for me but when I saved her from Geto and Gojo something shifted in me. The last time I felt like I’d die for someone was my kid and ex wife. It’s definitely a refreshing feeling and she’s so heartwarming it just makes you melt,” Toji explains talking with his hands as spoke.

 

 

“Ya, she does that to people I don’t know how but she makes people feel comfortable around her,” Nanami says standing up now. “I’m gonna lay down that glass and joint have hit me all at once. There’s a guest room right next to ours you can rest there.” Nanami explains as he walks out of the office waving ‘goodbye’.




“Thanks,” Toji says as he leans over and puts his elbows on his knees.

 

 

‘I can’t believe this is happening honestly. Nanami has changed so much since when I met him. He was so cold and straight to the point but now he’s smiling.’ Toji thinks to himself before getting up and walking up to the guest room. As he closed the door he turned around to see a huge bed calling his name. Toji strips again down to his boxers and plops into the bed throwing the cover over him. ‘This will be a story I tell my grandkids 'cause this is insane.’ Toji thinks to himself before slowly drifting into a deep sleep.

'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'

༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶

Once again I hope you enjoyed this one and can’t wait to upload the next chapter! Also let me know how you guys like the smut in this chapter. I liked the dialogue in this chapter so I hope y’all do as well! I’m so happy people on here actually like this story or smut it warms my heart. And IM HERE FOR ALL THE NANAMI & TOJI LOVERS! ♡ But, don’t forget to comment, leave feedback, leave a note, or anything truly. It’s all appreciated! (・ω<)

© ™TINYPROPHETT

[Please don't copy or plagiarize my work thank you. I don't own any rights to JJK and all photos are from pintrest or here I'll try to tag people if I can]

⟿ Link for my AO3 lovers: {also it’s 24 chapters posted on here}

⟿ Credit for the inspiration for the Chapter:

#Spotify #jjk #ao3 fanfic #ao3 author #jjk fanfic #jjk smut #nanami kento #toji fanfic #toji smut #toji fluff #threes0me #toji x reader #toji x nanami x reader #nanami thirst #nanami smut #nanami fanfic #toji fanart #long fic #ao3 writer #ao3 #ao3 link #nanami x y/n #dilf toji #toji x you #smut #jjk fanart #fanfic #multiple chapters #ao3 recs #ao3fic

[bellaxisworld]

Hi Bella <33 for the sleepover Saturday what are your top 5 jeggy headcanons of all time??? Also I just saw your new tumblr theme and I absolutely love it!!!

hi em hi em!!! <3 thank you about my theme, i am also so happy about it <3

this is an excellent question!! however, i struggle with thinking of ANY hcs usually. this is hard for me. top five especially but i'm trying !! here is a list, probably not my all time 5 favorites but these are hcs on my brain rn. i don't rllyyy know my favorites.

- i love clingy jegulus. i love when they are so touchy and clingy to each other, love language as physical touch. at all times they want to be climbing each other like a tree. especially regulus who holds onto james' sleeve like it's an extension of himself. i love jegulus going out and not being more than a foot from each other, always keeping hands on. james always keeps a hand on regulus' thigh when they're sitting, even if he's talking with somebody else, rubbing circles over his skin to remind him he's still his priority. i love jegulus that, after they fight, reg storms off for approximately one minute until he's tearing up, needs to be closer to james again. they don't talk about their argument for a while, but he goes back to james and they hold each other and james whispers reassurances to him and they don't address the problem but they relax into each other, cheek-to-chest. they need physical affection at all times.

- they are stupidly affectionate and love doing SILLY adorable couple-y things. james tries to pick regulus up, princess style at any opportunity. he loves opening every single door for him and being the most perfect gentleman. and regulus tries to do just as much for james, just as affectionate. they share food and actually fully feed each other, sipping from the same straw and pausing between bites to kiss. they're so disgusting, everyone around them is gagging over how grossly in love they are.

- they love being home together. they will have nights where they get into comfy pjs and put on TRASHY reality tv, have a few too many glasses of wine between the two of them, messily paint each other's nails and eat too much food. they will put their phones away and giggle so much, be sooo touchy with each other. they'll braid each other's hair and regulus will do their makeup just for fun. they just love being home and it's common for them, nights spent in with each other. sometimes they'll do drunk karaoke, serenade each other and dance sloppily to love songs, so cheesy and so in love. by the end of the night they're drunk and sloppily making out, not sober enough to do more but they enjoy giggling with each other between deep kisses and groping each other on the couch.

- my actual fav headcanon is also t4t jegulus <3 <3 <3 <3

- my fav trope/hc is them being the ONLY one who knows how to help the other through breakdowns/meltdowns. they only ever feel safe crying and having breakdowns in front of each other, they've been taught to hide those vulnerable parts of themselves but they understand. i love regulus combing his fingers through james' hair, soothing him. i love james whispering assurances to regulus and wiping away his tears, changing him into comfy clothes and cuddling. love them breaking down together. hurry/comfort my fav <3

about to get controversial now...

- in MY WORLD james chooses regulus over sirius. in my world regulus is james' first choice. because fuck it, regulus deserves to be SOMEONE'S first choice. let regulus be fucking chosen for once. let him be the first choice. please i beg. anyway yeah this is definitely one of my favorites because james needs to be sooooo far gone for regulus. james needs to be fully and wholly devoted. james want to please regulus in everything he does. james will and does choose regulus over anyone and anything.

well this got long, and i shared six. so, enjoy!!!! thank you for the ask <3

send me sleepover asks!!!!

#sleepover asks #ask game #bella answers #marauders #regulus black #jegulus #james potter #starchaser #sunseeker #em tag <3

[blackbutlerfandomnerddomain]

NRC having the future selves come over and Future Jamil pulled Jamil aside and told him to get Kalim checked by a doctor outside of the family cause he has depression and anxiety.

OKAY, so, I was working on this until Tumblr decided to be a but and eat it while I was in the middle of typing it.

I decided for this lovely piece I am going to try and make it Kalim Harem ship worthy cause it's my ask and my blog so my rules. I also am going to do a little different in writing so if you were purely expecting just headcanons I apologize boo

WARNING: This Fic will touch on Depression, Anxiety, Emotional and Mental Abuse of a Child of legal minor under 20! It will also be very shippy and might have suggestive dialog so if you can't handle these warnings or the ship than please calmly click off and don't comment on my post about you not supporting the ship

NOW ONTO THE ASK!

Night Raven Collage Mirror Chamber - Day

The Mirror Chamber was buzzing in eager joy as students talk among themselves in many floods of seven known colors behind their seven dorm leaders to guide them ahead to listen to their Headmaster, a Sir Dire Crowley in all his glitter covered feathers and glory, who stands in front of hall and clears his through before speaking out in a might voice, "Today is a day you have all been waiting for, the day many of dorm heads and students have witnessed and treasured the memories from this forth beyond, the day you all will have the answers of your biggest questions; Who will I be in the future after Night Raven Collage?" As the bird man speaks for everyone to hear, a pair of ruby reds glance across the room, a smile on a cute youthful face of sunshine warmth as those eyes clash with many colors and shades of the rainbow across the room of faces that make his eager heart flutter. Kalim, the dorm head of Scarabia and heir to many riches and titles from the Asim Family once he graduates, was like everyone else in the room who are eager and excited for the joys of meeting his future self. Thoughts race his head, Will I look different? I wonder what Jamil will do? I wondering if Azul opened a restaurant of his own. I bet Leona had some kids, he's real good with kids! Then, a sticky thought crept in the back of his head-

You know they might not want you in the future...

Kalim's eyes, once bright and shining now dimmed, slowly look down to the floor as he feels many sharp nails dig into his skin with allowance as the voice croaks more, You're annoying, you're slow, you're loud, you don't understand the struggles they all go through... They're better off not dealing with you in the future... The young heir tried to shake the voice away as the voices of his father and step-mother rang with the claws digging into him, the voices of his father and step-mother after he first brought up these... thoughts of always weighing down his mood and how he feels no one would care if he...was gone...The voices of his father and step-mother telling he's "over reaching" and "Everyone feels sad Kalim, your sadness doesn't make it different" and "it's those people from Night Raven putting twisted ideas in your head, aren't they? You should break from them, we can be the family you need"

Then, a gentle hand cupping his breaks him out of the thoughts and pains. He glance down and sees Jamil's hand before looking into Jamil's soft worry cole-colored eyes.

Jamil, Scarabia's vice-dorm leader and servant boy of the Asim family and Kalim's closest companion he has, squeezes his hand softly as his eyes show he's waiting for his answer. Kalim smiles and squeezes back, his voice low to not dare interrupt their head master in his speech, "I'm fine. Just thinking on how cool this is." Jamil smiles fondly in response before the two looked up and clued back into the speech, "Now as you all know you have free reign of questions to ask your future selves, however you must be held limits of these questions I'm afraid. No questions of who you get married if you get married, no questions of your future children if you have any, and no questions of what is happening in their year as these questions might alter not only your futures but the futures of others. Now if that's settled, all seven dorm heads please step forth."

Kalim smiles as he steps forward, along side him are the foot steps of the other dorm leaders from the beautiful rose red hair to the yellow waist coat of opposite build, from wonderful ocean blue eyes behind glasses mixing with the desert browns and reds he himself wear, from the elegant stance of violet in confidence to the slightly slouched mess of fiery blue hair that whisp and curls slightly in emotion, all the way to the beautiful greens and blacks that wrap perfectly with a man holding his head high. All seven stand near each other in the same platform as their silly head master and the great mirror that floats before them all. Crowley slowly pours out a vile of glittering white into the mirror's small fountain pool of green and watches as it bubbles as his voice speaks, "Great Dark Mirror, come forth those who's souls shall be summoned, 10 years pass today, for the next 48 hours let them roam here."

The room fell silent as they all watched closely as the mirror started to shine brighter, growing brighter as the mirror's fountain bubbled and floated around the rim in frozen dew drops. In response of the scene Leona reached and grabs hold of Riddle's hand in a sudden grip, the sudden physicals affection didn't go unnoticed by the other dorm leaders of course judging by their eyes and Azul's small sly smile of tease. The mirror shined brighter then what it was before, causing many gasps and eyes covered or blocking the light, the scents of many things trapping the air as the noses of those involved get consumed by the scents,

Finally, after what felt like forever, the light dimmed greatly as foot steps echo the hall. Eyes slowly opened and looked after the blurry effects ward off, small gasps and whispers echoing off the crowd behind as they couldn't help but stare at these seven men standing in front of them almost in perfect unison. The red hair, The ears and tail, The glasses, The eyes, The hair made of fire, The face and beauty, The horns-

There stands perfect fine and still with same looks of awe are this year's seven dorm leaders 10 years older and wiser across from them seven dorm leaders now...

It started a few weeks prior, with the dorm leaders and their vice dorm heads in a meeting as usual with their school's head master, a Sir Dire Crowley, who told them of the tradition the previous decade of school students and staff did; The Two Days The Students' Future Selves Will Spend With Them

It was a crazy thing to hear but it seem to have happened before so who are they to question it?

They were all given papers to pass around their dorms so their dorm mates and classmates had time to prepare for the big day

Everyone soon met their older selves after the dorm leaders met theirs's

Everyone's surprised on Older Ortho's heigh and deeper voice

People are staring in complete awe on how more beautiful Vil, Azul, Kalim, Jamil, and Diasmonia got after ten years

Idia and the rest of his dorm were taken aback with Future Idia's better speaking skills and confidence and the brief mention of his business he owns and runs

Epel was proud to see he got taller and has muscles finally-

Riddle was pleased to see how well he grew after all this time

The first day was each dorm taking their future selves to the dorm and let them enjoy memory lane and nostalgia of their youths

That was fun as some realize nothing truly change while some notice there's some differences on the group and now

Future Idia and now Idia did a dorm wide gaming contest

Future Ortho and present day Ortho talk about video games and Future Ortho mentions Ortho might be married to someone lovely and that he has many nieces and nephews from his brother and his marriage

Riddle fed the hedgehogs with his future self

Jamil gets informed he's now married with some little ones and saw the world

Kalim and his future self are having a good time throwing a party

Leona was surprised to hear he has kids in the future

Ruggie's future self mentioned he takes mountains climbing missions which confuses him

Jack is glad to hear he has a bigger family in the future

It took a lot of Octavinelle to beg for information of "WHO MARRIED ME/US?!"

Vil and Rook enjoyed seeing not much has changed since now as they hear and watch the older versions of the two still call each other nicknames and enjoy their company

Diasmonia were so impressed with the older guests, shock even to find out Future!Lilia cooks now!

Second day the future selves would spend the entire school day with their youthful selves with some fun activities the teachers have set up for them

Many were shocked to find future Azul, Idia, Epel, and Riddle are great at physical education in spite of the present versions barely passing minus changing clothes or not as great levels as these men.

When asked how/why, they only answer this, "That's the best part of having a active and patient partner" which makes everyone wonder more who the Hell did they marry

As the day drew closer to a close, Future Jamil pulls Jamil aside and-

"You need to take Kalim to the doctors." "Wha-Why? I-Is Kalim sick-" "He isn't sick, he just...he has something going on. You have to bring him to the doctor and get him diagnose fast. Take him to someone far away from his family, that includes the doctor you both have been seeing since childhood!"

Working fast, Jamil finds Kalim and drags him to the nurse's office

The others followed after they saw the worry expression of their usually calm Jamil's eyes

After a while the nurse let Kalim go with a pill bottle and a slip of paper

"What is happened Kalim?" Ace asked worried. Kalim doesn't look up at any of them, swallowing a harsh lump of salt before he slowly does look up with trembling hands, tears threatening to burst from the seems, "S-Sometimes...I...I get sad... Like...you are all better off without me...holding anyone back...B-but it's fine, B-Baba said this'll go away soon and-" He was silence as Jamil's arms wrap around in a tight grip, like a snake holding a mouse close but not in a way to cause harm. As soon as the hug started and those ruby eyes sees the sadden and worry expression of the others those rubies crack and tears poured out as Kalim's shoulder shake and his mouth trembles out soft sobs

After he calms down the 21 students walked back to Scarabia where they cuddled, ate, and drank while talking about their two days back and forth, some (Azul and Riddle) making theories of what could be happening in the future until Deuce, who's snuggling against a drossy Silver, said, "Well there's one way to find out I guess, we have to just go with the flow of life..."

#twisted wonderland #Kalim Harem Series #kalim angst #kalim harem #kalim al asim #riddle rosehearts #trey clover #cater diamond #ace trappola #deuce spade #leona kingscholar #ruggie bucchi #jack howl #azul ashengrotto #jade leech #floyd leech #jamil viper #vil schoenheit #rook hunt #epel felmier #idia shroud #ortho shroud #malleus draconia #lilia vanrouge #twst silver #sebek zigvolt #dire crowley #divus crewel #twst sam #dire crowley x divus crewel x sam

[olderthannetfic]

I know fandom people are, as a general rule, intense and often neurodivergent, I know I am, but wow. Let people like things and just block if you hate their take so much. My block list is massive on tumblr, discord, and it's getting longer and longer on AO3. I highly recommend it, it makes my life far more peaceful.

I hate how this one person I'm in like 4 servers with sees pretty much everything. Her takes are some of my least favourite I've ever seen in fandom period, and I find her obnoxious as hell on a personal level. So I just don't interact. She's literally not hurting me by having a good time writing her little fics and talking about the characters how she sees them. And she's not wrong either??? We're different people, from different counties, different ages, and have totally different experiences. Her interpretation and takes are right to her, no matter how much I hate them. Just like mine are right to me. We can both have fun even if we're basically polar opposites

So many problems could be solved if people just stop giving a fuck what someone else has fun writing or doing when they're not hurting someone else. Like yeah it's annoying to be in a fandom where there's pages of coffee shop AU's or whatever, but at the end of the day, the people writing it are having fun and using fandom as an escape. Good for them.

I do get being pissed off and rant, and likewise know some fandoms are 'worse' than others, and that things in fandom come in waves. I've just noticed an uptick on people being, frankly, downright cruel because there's a fic they don't like updating frequently, or people in a server talking about a character in a way they don't agree with. It's annoying for sure, but it's just people having fun. Bitch in private like everyone else (or shout here I suppose lol).

If your fandom experience is genuinely ruined and your daily life is negatively impacted because some random person is enjoying it in a way you don't like, or writing the characters in a way you don't agree with, go touch grass. And before someone yells at me, I mean RUINED. I get annoyed all the time, that's just a part of it. I mean if someone's literally seething and their life in and out of fandom is effected by some random person having fun? It's time for a break

--