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kneelingshadowsalome · 11 months

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ahh~ i’m so glad you liked my little essay~!! i have a knack for analyzing and interpreting stuff, i just think it’s so fun. plus i needed a way to vent out my thoughts and feelings on the little hyper-fixation i’ve developed from your story, my brain just went into overdrive because of how unique it is so i couldn’t resist.

anyway, thank you, seriously thank you for enjoying it, and i’m super happy to say that i have come up with few a headcanons of my own. these are mainly könig headcanons, so they’re more of my interpretations and analysis on him. let me know what you think~! i hope you have a wonderful read, and please keep doing you, you are a wonderful writer, and incredibly talented!!

okay, so first:

despite könig’s openness and acceptance to engels interest in his weaponry, i highly doubt that he would actually allow her to indulge in using any of them. i would even consider that he wouldn’t even teach her how to use one, especially his guns. sure, he’s gifted her knifes but notice that they’re quite feminine and dainty even, könig does try to engage with engel and her interests but emasculates them in a way that should suit her, a cute little knife is practically harmless compared to the massive destruction of his guns. the furthest he would go to showing her anything is how to hold it, but he still wouldn’t want her to hold it herself, and he won’t even shoot it in front of her considering that would damage her hearing, and he can’t bring himself to do that to his baby.

with that, i do think könig is careful and cautious with his engel. i feel like he tries to filter through the good and the bad for her. yes, we’ve been given instances in which the exact opposite has happened, i.e. him stabbing her boss right in front of her, but that was acted purely on impulse. i think after that, he tries his best, and i mean he really tries to shield her from that ever again unless absolutely needed. however, if she were to ask for that twisted ruthless side of him again, because she has the tendency to be twisted herself, then i’m sure he would have to lay down some ground rules, and although hesitant, in the end, he would do anything for her. but despite that, he does not allow angel to consume things that he perceives to be negative for both him and her, and what i mean by that is that he doesn’t allow her to consume any material that could be triggering for him or anything that could alter her behavior that would negatively effect both of them. so, stuff like world news, social media, anything that could give her a sense of empowerment, he doesn’t allow her to have her own phone, she’s constantly monitored, and she’s never alone once she leaves home because könig has to always check in on her. könig absolutely does not want her to be influenced by anything, it’s another reason why she doesn’t have friends, and knowing she isn’t influenced by anything other than him helps keep him from being paranoid, anxious, and violent.

now, back to könig being a raging misogynist at times, he would definitely believe in the value of gender roles, and i mean nothing is more important to him than the normalcy and complacency of the ideal of gendered roles and relationships. also, i hate to admit it, but he just can’t see his woman doing or portraying anything too masculine, it’s a turn off for him, he prefers if she were to just stay at home and do “womanly things” and be a woman, whatever that entails. i think he would even encourage engel to quit the job that she has now, he probably never liked the fact that she worked in such a masculine environment, working such a dirty job in the first place. the only times when he’ll allow engel to even be remotely dominant is during sex, and it’s only if she wants to be, but even through sex he still has the upper hand and has this, ‘this is only happening because i’m allowing it to happen’ mentality. plus it’s a nice thing to let go, relax, and allow her to take control for a little bit, but he would always remind her, both sexually and domestically, where her place is.

könig is completely shameless when it comes to his physicality. he knows what he’s capable of and he knows engel loves his body, so he uses that to his advantage to show off and impress her more. so that means, more unnecessary bouts of strengths used in front of engel, more commitment to his workouts, wearing less clothes around her (he honestly prefers to be casually nude more than he likes to admit, i also think it’s a kink for him to see her so flustered from it too), and insane sex positions. i think he would really enjoy fucking/eating her out standing up, just anything that involves comfortably lifting her up and possibly manhandling her, in a safe way at least.

also, könig is the most expressive when it comes to his sexuality. again, he has little shame, but it’s only because there’s something so special in sex that allows him to let go and just do what he wants in such an intimate environment, and it’s because of engel that it only amps up way more. so, with that being said, the guy is incredibly kinky and experimental. like i said, he likes casual nudity, but only done on his part, he doesn’t really like engel flaunting her body the way he flaunts his and prefers for her to stay modest, it’s really because of the innocent aspect that she tends to play that gets him going because of it. i also see him thriving in animalistic, predator/prey type of sex, especially if it’s outdoors. every time they’re out hiking, camping, or just happen to be in a large remote wooded area, expect some wild sex happening between these two. he just really enjoys pushing his limits and boundaries through sex for the purposes of showcasing the emotions he is unable to communicate normally, which is why he often has an intense sexual drive, but he also enjoys letting go once in a while, being taken cared of, and feeling loved by engel. könig really bonds well when he has this outlet where his emotions, something he constantly suppresses, can be catered, and very often is his emotions expressed dominantly, whether as a hard dom or soft one, it’s mainly about control and acceptance for him.

something könig would slightly be ashamed of though, is receiving open comfort and affection. his upbringing is super fucked and his lack of affection and love as a child definitely shaped himself as a very undeserving man of any of that, although he craves it immensely. so, as contradictory as it is, while he loves giving devotion and intimacy for selfish reasons, he does have trouble accepting genuine love and warmth for himself. it’s something that takes time for him to recognize that he needs and accepts, especially with the right person. so, yes, he’s very hesitant of these instances, but by god, does engel make it so much easier for him. it’s no wonder he’s so indulgent with her and why he’s constantly pushing her limits, it is not because he’s consciously choosing to do the most insane shit but rather, he doesn’t realize it and it’s inappropriateness. i think if engel were to teach him how to properly love and care more respectfully and appropriately, you know something he wasn’t taught as a child, i think he would be a bit more mentally stable in his behavior. however, i do not think she will, it’s because of his dangerous behavior that drew her in the first place and his toxic, overwhelming personality that solidified her place in their relationship, so there’s no way she’s getting rid of könig’s obsessive, possessive, dominant traits that practically has made him into a sex god, but she will suggest therapy from time to time if he continues to exhibit insecure-like behaviors and especially when he’s going through ptsd episodes. i’m pretty sure he has both ptsd and c-ptsd, and to top that off, personality disorders, and mood disorders, soooo…

last but not least, and this one is purely self-indulgent on my end, he is a serial spender for his engel. dude makes an absurd amount of money for what does, and has no reason to use it… until engel walked into the picture. even since then, könig will buy anything for engel and help her splurge to keep her happy, comfortable, and away from society. this man will get her all the material items that she wants, clothes, a big new house, lots of land, entertainment, all the foods that she wants. want a dog and/or cat? sure! he’ll even supply her with weed if she’s that type of girl, but anything to keep her sane and occupied, he is willing to buy, just nothing too illegal, and definitely no vacation spots, dude is way too paranoid to travel and is not willing to risk it.

IM AM SO SORRY THAT THIS WAS SO LONG 😭😭

These were just pure gold, *chef’s kiss* exquisite!! Every single sentence is perfection. So well thought out, and so well put! I don't even have the words to express how incredible this is (and I call myself a writer lol). Seriously, thank you again!! 💖

Also I want to participate (teacher teacher lemme participate please) by adding a few things:

The first one I wholly agree with, but I also believe König might have a little teeny tiny kink for watching how his innocent Engel brushes her fingertips down the barrel of his huge shotgun or holds one of his biggest knives in her *cute* little hands... The contrast between a woman’s softness and a massive, cold, brutal weapon drives this man crazy.

To indulge in his dark fantasies, he might allow Engel to come to the range with him once or twice. I imagine König getting off on showing a “fragile woman” how to handle and shoot a rifle 🙄 He thinks it’s both horrifying and drugging to see how her smaller body tries to absorb the recoil from his guns. Soon enough he’s like “Ok that’s enough” but not before he has enjoyed that peculiar scene a while longer.

And the fourth oh god. Gave me butterflies. He's shameless. I just know that König sleeps naked. Guy associates nighttime with masturbation – and nowadays, sex with his Engel – so off with his clothes, and off with hers, too. König also gives me semi-somno vibes: he would try to wake Engel up with his dick if he can't sleep. (Give me attention and love and provide me with a distraction from my anxiety! Now...!)

The sixth: yes, I don’t see things getting any "better" as in them suddenly calming the fuck down and learning healthy ways to live and love. They are too enamored with their dark side and as you said, I don't know if Engel would be that fascinated with König if he suddenly developed a conscience and healthy ways to cope with his trauma(s). Their escapades resemble a shared psychosis sometimes, but with time and patience this couple will perhaps find true love and relief together – something bigger and better, a way out of the spiral. They learn to dance on the knife’s edge, so to say. They might even start to behave 🩷

And the last one: YES he would spoil her to bits! One of the reasons for this is that König feels guilty. He doesn't know how to show love and devotion through emotional intimacy so he will try to show it through spending money on her. So yes to all of this.

I see Engel wishing for a pet to keep her company while he's away on longer missions. And König is so thick-skulled he wouldn't even bother to ask what type of pet she wants or if she has allergies, he just shows up with a cat one day like: "Hier. I brought this to you. Do you like my gift? I will bring you a different pet if you don't like this one. 🤨"

(And omg the image of Engel smoking a fat one or using a cute little bong on their porch, perhaps chilling out with that cat and giggling when König comes home... ^^)

Thank you so much for bringing these to us! Tbh I never wanted this essay to end 🩷😭 You're amazing I hope you know that!!

#answered #könig headcanons #yandere könig #toxic könig #i loved this #best essay ever #university levels of headcanon #toxic könig institute #❤️❤️❤️

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sambunnysgrave · 6 months

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i. Introduction

Hello all, my name is Sam. I’m an 18 year old trans guy living in the southern United States as a 2nd generation immigrant. English is my 2nd language. I’m gay, jewish, and disabled mentally as well as physically.

I am a survivor of csa and ramcoa. The specificities of my trauma aren’t something I feel any obligation to explain, nor are the exact details of my health. Block me if you have a problem with that.

I don’t intend to get into identity politics on here, just sharing what I feel is important context about myself.

ii. Thesis

This account is just a journal, more or less.

I’ve always loved to read peoples public journals, especially people dealing with marginalization or trauma that I can relate to. These people experience life through the same lenses I do. Unlike the accepted definition of humanity in this day, these people are still fighting to survive.

It’s beautiful in a morbid way, I think, to watch people survive. It’s fascinating. It unearths a primal feeling.

If you’re reading this, then consider this a log of the most impressive thing Man has ever done: survive.

iii. Tags

Here’s a list of the tags I plan to use frequently on this account. This list is subject to change.

🐇::꒰ ❛Sam’s Grave❜ ꒱

general tag for when I have anything to say

🕊️::꒰ ❛Dead Dove❜ ꒱

catchall tw tag

🖤::꒰ ❛Long Post❜ ꒱

for my long posts

🫀::꒰ ❛Yearning❜ ꒱

loveposting tag that may get nsfw (please block if under 18 or uncomfortable)

🪓::꒰ ❛Lyrics❜ ꒱

lyric spam tag for your spam-filtering convenience

🩸::꒰ ❛Vent❜ ꒱

venting tag (for heavy venting; again, please block if you’re uncomfortable)

🦷::꒰ ❛Brainweird❜ ꒱

mental illness/mental health content

🍷::꒰ ❛Art❜ ꒱

for my art, probably doodles or poetry

🥩::꒰ ❛Silly❜ ꒱

lighthearted/silly content

iv. Content Warnings

I am psychotic and often unable to tw for unreality or delusions.

I use slurs to refer to myself. I will not tw for my identity.

I do not tw “creepy” or “unsettling” content. If there is a specific thing to warn for, I will. Otherwise, expect this whole blog to be a bit weird.

I love blocking people, and you should too. If you don’t want to see my content, you don’t need to tell me that. You can just block. It’s okay, I promise.

v. DNI

Because every blog needs a DNI, right?

Honestly, just DNI if you don’t want to interact with me. That’s about it. Other than that, here are some general guidelines, I guess.

I am a proshipper, I believe that people should be allowed to post whatever gross shit they want on the internet if they tag it right. Doesn’t mean I enjoy consuming most “proship” content, I just don’t think it’s my business what other people do. If you disagree with that, we probably won’t get along.

I support informed self diagnosis.

I support non-traumagenic systems (coming from a traumagenic system).

9 times out of 10, I don’t want to hear about drama. If you post about drama untagged, we probably won’t get along.

Interpret that as you will. I don’t really have a hard DNI.

vi. Closing Statement

If you’ve read this and still want to look at my content, then please, feel free to browse. Follow if you like what you see. Talk to me if you think we’d get along. I love meeting people :]

If you do plan to stick around, then hi. Glad you decided to stop by.

#🐇::꒰ ❛Sam’s Grave❜ ꒱#🖤::꒰ ❛Long Post❜ ꒱

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sorcerersofnyc · 3 years

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The Last Thing Left (Zemo x F!Reader) 3/9

If it wasn’t so painfully ironic (and hilarious to watch,) Helmut would find the relationship between Sam and James a little sad.

Ghosts weren’t enough to hold two people together.

While they wait for Torres to locate Donya Madani, Zemo brings Sam and Bucky to the home he once shared with you.

You reunite and he reflects upon his relationship with you (his wife's friend and his friend's wife) and your journey from being people with mutual friends to partners.

Chapter 3: Sam and Bucky try to understand your relationship with Zemo. It isn't complicated, but he remembers a time when things very much were.

Angst, various mentions of death & mourning, Zemo's wife's name is Heike because of comics. The reader likes waffles (this is a non-negotiable fact)

Note: Main Character is neutral in most regards, but the story was written with my own cultural background in mind. (In other words, I won't say what she looks like but I envision her as being black.)

First Chapter | Previous

***

A fresh breeze filters in through an open window, swaying the room as Helmut’s words take root.

“Partner?” Sam leans forward in curiosity. “You mean like a life partner or a partner in crime?”

“Yes,” is Helmut’s unhelpful reply. He sends you a conspiratorial smile, one you return with a roll of the eyes.

“Helmut and I are engaged in a… civil partnership,” you explain, “for legal reasons.”

“Amongst other things,” he adds.

“Yes, amongst…other things.” A deep honey-like scent wafts into the room from the kitchen as you share a fleeting glance, a private moment despite the scrutiny of James and Sam. You must have put on a pot of tea.

“That should have been in the reports,” James narrows his eyes and examines the room carefully. “Why doesn’t anyone know about you?” Despite his position on the other wall, he angles his body toward Sam, ready to defend against any traps you might spring.

"Well…" you tilt your head in contemplation, "there was a significant delay in the processing of our paperwork. Nothing was documented until after Helmut’s prosecution."

"How much of a delay are we talking about here?" Sam asks, turning his assessing gaze toward Helmut as if to ask, ‘did you do something?’

"Around—what was it, Helmut? A year and a half?"

"18 months," he agrees. “Our paperwork seemed to have gotten misplaced. It's so difficult to find reliable lawyers these days.”

Sam didn’t seem to believe him.

"I'm his spouse on all official records,” You cut in before either of the two to speak, “but I'm sure you understand why privacy is important to me.” When he testified to his crimes, he made it clear that he had no accomplices and the investigation proved the same. The lawyer ‘misplaced’ the paperwork long enough for public interest in his case to die.

You didn’t need that sort of public scrutiny.

Sam seems to agree.

“We would never compromise your safety,” He assures you. He has his own family, people he loves with targets on their backs. He thinks of them as he addresses you.

The teapot whistles in the background.

“Thank you.” You smile and excuse yourself from the room. “The tea is ready.”

Helmut wants to pull you back to him, but he settles on meeting your gaze as you make a hasty retreat through the archway.

You’re gone all but a few seconds before James begins to speak.

"OK Zemo,” He says, his voice low and threatening, “it's about time you tell us what's going on—your partner? Really?"

"I’ve no reason to lie, James—but perhaps you’re not used to honesty,"

“Not from you," James lurches forward like a beast seeking prey. He glares down at Helmut, a mere arm's length from Helmut’s chair.

Helmut doesn't doubt Jame's violent intent, but he isn't particularly afraid. He settles back in his chair, moves his hands along the length of the arms, and brushes a thumb across the cool metal of the gun strapped beneath.

"Simmer down, Buck.” Sam lifts his hands. “This is weird enough as it is.”

James hesitates but relaxes his defensive stance.

"She doesn't seem to like me and Sam," James continues, reclaiming his position on the wall. “I don’t plan on waking up with a knife in my back.”

“She would never do such a thing, it's far too messy." Unbothered by their altercation, Helmut rises from his chair. He moves toward the bay window and liberates a copy of Arsène Lupin, gentleman-cambrioleur , from the floating shelf.

Before James can say whatever it is he wants to say, Sam intervenes once again.

“What I think he means is, 'how do we know we can trust her?'”

"You won't come to harm under her care, you have my word."

His word.

James scoffs at the mere suggestion. Trust isn't something that exists between them and it never would.

But the air is so thick with tension and he can hear the unspoken words that linger in the air: ‘What about your late wife?’

So Helmut flips through the book absentmindedly, stopping at a dog-eared page.

“My companion,” he begins to explain, “she was my wife's dearest friend.” He glances up from the pages of the book to meet Sam’s gaze. “She lost her husband when your friends made Sokovia into a battleground so I found it prudent to ensure her wellbeing.”

They're quiet—finally—and Helmut finds their discomfort pleasing.

Turning his attention back to the book, he reads a line you underlined.

'Quel dommage que je ne sois pas un honnête homme!' What a pity that I am not an honest man!'

“Would you like some honeybush tea?” Your voice cuts through the silence a few moments later. You stop at the threshold and gaze back warily gaze wary.

“I expected Helmut to be alone, but I have other drinks too.”

“The Tea is fine, thank you.” He sets down your beloved book and walks across the room to meet you. Ever so gently, Helmut coaxes the tray from your hand and sets it down on the center table.

“I made lunch as well... si comes ese tipo de cosas .” You mutter, leaving the room once again.

Helmut pours himself a cup before gesturing toward the tray.

"Please, you are guests; have a seat, enjoy some tea." Grabbing the book with one hand, Helmut returns to his favorite chair.

James doesn’t move an inch but Sam takes the seat near the window. His body sinks into the fabric with a sigh.

“Hopefully Torres finds Donya soon. I don’t want to impose for too long.”

“She really is a lovely hostess.” Helmut takes a seat and returns the book. “I intend to enjoy her hospitality while I can.”

***

At first, living with you was easy; Helmut stayed out of your way, he spent his time conducting research and it was quiet.

But the walls were thin and noise echoed through the open vents—He could hear you crying late at night.

He wanted to help, but he had no temporary comforts to offer. The only thing he had was his anger and his plan. You’d rest easier with the Avengers buried in the ash heap, he told himself. That day, when you hugged him, he felt as though you encroached on something, something that would break if he failed to tread lightly.

When you looked as though you wanted to talk or share a fond memory, he mentioned something about the old-fashioned décor and suggested that you change something. He bought you books from the shops he passed on the streets, jars of pigment, and blocks of clay.

He observed you, found what you liked, and got them for you.

“Thank you,” you’d say with a smile, and that was more than enough for him.

He didn’t expect you to return the favor.

But then you’d do things like make him breakfast (always with black coffee and a side of bacon, his favorite.) You’d buy pillows in the same specific shade of burgundy to accent the walls. You’d leave the paper on the kitchen island and kept a jar of honey with the tea.

And he hated you for that, for doing the things Heike would do, for sharing her habits, humor, and sensibilities.

‘Good morning, Helmut,' you would say in the morning, 'Would you like to visit the market with me?’ or, ‘Helmut, you can’t survive off coffee, aren't you hungry?’

He’d refuse you every time.

It was difficult, disappointing you, but the thought of enjoying a pleasant breakfast, or taking a stroll through the market hurt even more.

He could still feel their bodies buried beneath his feet.

So he opted for uncomfortable silence, and unsteady peace, the ghosts of your loved ones a wall between you.

Weeks went by and he continued his research. It took a while, but Helmut could see the steps of a plan unfolding in his mind.

He wouldn’t be the one to send the Avengers to their graves, he’d make them kill each other—and for that, he would need the Winter Soldier, James Buchanan Barnes.

So one day, after reading and rereading the S.H.I.E.L.D. files he managed to decrypt, he told you he was going on a trip.

“There’s business that I need to attend to.”

“You’re leaving?” You looked up from the clay you were molding. It hadn’t yet taken form, just a sad lump of grey. “For how long?”

“Not long.” He promised, “I’ll be back soon.”

But he returned two weeks later.

Exhausted, Helmut had just taken off his shoes when you walked upstairs to meet him, red power on your hands.

“Helmut! Where were you?” You demanded before you took notice of your tone, the accusation present in your voice. You amended your words quickly. “I was worried... I missed you while you were gone.”

“My apologies,” was his unsatisfactory reply, his back still turned.

When he finally turned to look in your direction, you wore a troubled look upon your face, and the look reminded him of Heike.

It was the worry of a soldier's wife, of someone waiting by the door to greet an unknown future.

“I’m sorry,” he offered, genuinely this time, and placed a hand on your shoulder.

For a moment that you would reject him. He was certain you considered doing just that, but when you didn’t move or knock away his touch, a strange sense of relief filled him.

You sighed.

"When you've gotten settled, come down for dinner.” It was an order, he realized, not a request.

"Of course." An amused smile tugged at his cheeks.

"Where did you go?" You asked, lingering by the door as he set down his bag. He wasn’t dressed for business in his drab gray jacket and worn shoes.

“I visited an auction house out east."

“An auction house?” You tilted your head and assessed his clothing again. “To bid?”

“Not exactly."

Not at all, really.

He tracked down information about an auction where fanatics were gathered to bid on HYDRA paraphernalia. He hoped to find the book that once belonged to the Winter Soldier's handler, but it wasn't didn’t exist amongst the garbage he found there.

The trip hadn't been a complete waste, however. He managed to rid the world of a few dozen agents and others who would support their cause—but he wouldn’t tell you that.

"What I hoped to find wasn't there.” He settled on saying.

“It took you weeks to do that?”

“I needed to visit Berlin as well. My family collected many cars over the generations. I’ll take you to see them one day if you like.”

Helmut had no plans to get you involved in his plan to end the Avengers, he couldn't. But he remained true to his word and joined you for dinner that night.

He helped you set the table and you ate paprikash (which, he assumed, you made for his benefit more than your own.)

"Ozenik suggested I make it," you explained. "It was never my favorite but it was fun to make."

"You did a good job."

"Thanks...I thought was time to try something new."

He agreed.

You ate dinner together the next night too, and the next, and the next night after that.

Helmut grew to enjoy the time you spent together—it was a pleasant change of pace.

Even so, he had his ‘business’ to attend to. He would still have to leave.

Sometimes he would go for hours, sometimes he’d be gone for days, and sometimes entire weeks would go by and Helmut wouldn't call or even text you.

And you were frustrated.

Once he returned home to find you painting angry red lines across what might have been an abstract swirl of blue and gray.

One evening discovered you rearranged the dining room completely.

Then one day, during dinner, you attempted to bridge the gap between you once again.

"I received a message last night," You began, "a reminder that I purchased tickets to see a play last year.” It was summer, but the season had been unusually rainy, confining you inside for most of the week. “I’d have to travel to see it but it might be fun. Would you like to see it with me?”

"I'll be gone again soon," Helmut told you. “My apologies.”

You frowned.

"I haven't even told you the date. How do you know you’ll be busy?"

"I have plenty of work to keep me busy through the end of the year." His reply hung in the air for what felt like an eternity. He didn’t even bother to look up as he continued. "If you need to travel, I'll speak with Oeznik about arranging that for you."

You looked down at your plate, sighed, and set down your utensils.

"It's fine." You told him, but it wasn't. You were angry at his rejection, at his nonchalance.

"You know...you don't need to force yourself to be here with me, Helmut." You stared directly across the table at him, meeting his gaze. "We don't have to stay together if you don't want to. I have my benefits from the veterans association now so...if there's somewhere else you'd rather be-"

"There isn't." Helmut looked at you, his eyes dark piercing. "How could you think that?"

“How could I not when I never know if you're going off to the market or leaving for weeks?” A dangerous edge crept into your voice and you didn’t bother to amend it. “What sort of 'business' are you conducting? You won't even tell me."

"You don't need to worry," he tried to assure you, but his weak appeal only seemed to make you angrier.

And that anger, your anger, frustrated him to no end.

Who were you to question what he did with his time?

Heike always understood when he was gone for longer than expected. When he returned, she greeted him with joy and relief, not accusation and scorn.

But you...he didn't know what he expected from you.

You weren’t his wife, you weren’t involved romantically. You weren't even friends, not really.

So really, what tethered him to this place?

What he planned to do was dangerous; he might not even survive. He fulfilled his promise to see after your well-being, did everything he said he'd do, and yet...and yet…

You sighed, huffed really, and gathered your plates quickly.

“I’m trying, I’m really trying but I’m tired, Helmut,” you told him. “You go and move us to this...this ritzy tourist city and what am I supposed to do? Find friends with similar life experiences? I can’t even sleep through the night and you...you just...” You take a breath as you turn away, leaving with your half-eaten plate.

“I don't... I don't fit in here.” You confess resignation carried in your voice. “I don’t think you understand that and I don’t think we’re good for each other either. ” You decided. “We’re too different. I appreciate you trying to help me, I do, but… but maybe I should leave.”

***

Thanks for reading! You’ve come so far and soon you will be rewarded. Next chapter we’ll see the steps Helmut took to amend your relationship. And in the present timeline, we get to see something super cute (something that involves hand-holding, perhaps?)

Feedback is very much appreciated. Please tell me what you think!

Tag list:��

@actuallyanita

@fillechatoyante

@viviace

@buckyandlokicanhaveme

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#zemo #helmut zemo #baron zemo #zemo x reader #baron zemo x reader #I know I'm the one who designed this story to be a slow burn #and yet #I'm really looking forward to sharing the next chapter

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joshstambourine · 3 years

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GVF as Your Best Friend

"Hii can I request gvf as besties and dumb things that they would do with the reader, also can the pronouns for the reader be neutral 🥺" - @guitarfingers

Thank you so much for sending this in!! I really wanted to do it quick cause I just loved the idea so much!

Please please please, if anyone wants me to write something with neutral pronouns, please let me know (same with male pronouns). Sometimes I get on autopilot when I'm writing and start using female pronouns without thinking.

These fics are mostly written whenever I get five minutes to myself, so sometimes I get distracted as well but that doesn't make it right.

Warning: Cursing

Taglist: @anditsmywholeheart @babydxll

Josh

Oh what a loud friend. What a noisy naughty friend. What a rotten rotten boy.

Lmao just kidding.

Though Josh is probably a lot of those things when it comes to being your friend. He already seems like a little gremlin who is surprisingly wise in general but as someone's best friend?? Oh man you're in for a time.

Your camera roll is just dumb pictures of you and Josh. Almost exclusively. Probably some you don't remember taking as well---

10/10 the "I double dare you to do the thing" type of friend.

"I didn't think you'd actually do it---"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! YOU DOUBLE DARED ME---"

"You're a terrible person (Y/N) how do you live with yourself?" //Gobblin snickering//

Has even less of a filter when he's with you, "oh fuck, you look like something the cat dragged in and then ate again and then--"

"What the--- Josh???"

Josh also has a foul mouth from what I gather so if you're going to be friends with him be ready for a lot of cursing.

Take it as a compliment! It means he's comfortable with you!

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"

"Yes and your mom as well."

Despite all that. Josh I can imagine being a very protective friend.

Think the kind of person who gets mad when a person insults you and says, "Whoa, what the fuck, only I can say mean shit like that to them."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine Josh..."

"Honest?"

"Honest."

Puts an arm around you, "Good.... it would have sucked to tell you they were right if you were upset."

Probably just //Demonic screeching// most of the time the two of you are together.

Other times a lot of philosophizing and asking important questions. Or questions he feels crucial to ask.

Probably because he's baked but---

"(Y/N)?"

"Yes Josh?"

"Why don't we call big Ants… Gi-ants?"

"I'm not talking to you anymore."

Josh also would be very keen to take an interest in things his bestie is interested in. Especially important things.

As an example: If they are religious he'd want to make sure he understands their beliefs. He wants them to know he respects these things.

Over all, he's a chaotic force to be reckoned with... but one that is going to carry you along with him. You're never going to have a dull moment and you're never going to feel alone.

And most importantly you'll know you're loved at all times.

Jake

Jake always strikes me as so relaxed, someone who likes to keep to himself.

Despite that I do also see he and Josh are twins and have some things in common.

He probably is just as much of a gremlin, though less loud and obnoxious about it.

"I just want to make sure... you picked out that outfit right? Not your mom?"

"Yes...?"

"Okay good, I don't want to offend your mom."

More than anything I picture him and you sitting quietly together just doing separate things in a comfortable silence half the time.

I mean that might seem lame but those are my personal favorite kind of friendships.

The ones where you can look up from whatever you were doing and just make a face at them...

... and since he's that kind of friend he'd raise his brows first, but then immediately make a corresponding face silently.

I feel like deep conversations are the thing the two of you would be best at. No shooting the shit. Always straight to the important stuff.

Drinking whiskey by a warm fire vibes.

If you have any interest in music, even slightly, Jake would be all over that. He'd want to expand that interest to make it a love.

"I'll teach you!"

"You're too busy you don't have time..."

"No way! You're my best friend, I'm not letting some random person teach you how to play guitar. Be serious (Y/N)."

I can picture Jake laying beside his friend on the floor just smoking and listening to his favorite records.

Also a really warm and sentimental friend I think. Now this might just be a me thing but it's something I could see him doing, not often just for really important things. Maybe saving little things?

Like a ticket from a concert he went to with his best friend. Or a receipt from a really nice hang out.

Probably a Polaroid boy because of that.

That might just be me. I really feel like he likes to have things to look back on.

"Oh wow you still have that??" You ask pointing to a concert ticket from years ago tucked into the side of his mirror.

"Of course I do! I loved being there with you!"

Jake treasures his time with his friends, and its important to keep his best friend safe always.

Sam

ANOTHER FORCE OF CHAOS.

But. Sam definitely seems like one who actively tries to be a chaotic force, whereas Josh has it come naturally.

So I imagine a lot of making super dumb videos together.

"Hang on before we start!! (Y/N) can you do up my braids??"

"Fuck yeah i can."

I would want to see cooking videos made by the both of you. They'd be hysterical I know it. Get on it please.

Lots of spontaneous dancing together.

"What are you guys even doing...?"

(Horrendous dance moves that are not in-synch intensifies)

Probably a lot of shopping trips together, not necessarily to shop. Just to be out together.

Probably also would fight over who pays for lunch because neither of you can just pay separately.

Is it bad that I sorta imagine him being a bit of a wine aunt friend??

Like--- you both are just at a table drinking a glass of wine and just complaining about everyone and gossiping non-stop.

I do think he'd want to have a movie night with his best friend. They take turns picking, but hardly ever watch the movie... too busy making comments over the movie and pointing out flaws in it.

"WHY ARE YOU STILL STANDING THERE!! GET IN THE HOUSE--- ladies in horror movies man---"

"You'd be the first one to die in a horror movie... im almost positive."

".....thanks for that (Y/N)."

All that said Sam strikes me as one of those people who take note of little things about people.

So you would always get super personal gifts from Sam. Something that is irreplaceable.

It also means that by the expression on your face at any given time he knows how you're feeling.

"...oh? (Y/N) are you okay...?"

"Huh??"

"You look upset, did something happen?"

"Ah... just an upsetting text that's all."

"You wanna vent, I'll get the wine?"

A friendship with Sam means excitement of course but also a strong personal connection you probably won't be able to replace in your entire life.

Danny

I think he's the kind of best friend that wants to chat with your parents.

You know that friend. We can all picture that friend we have. The one who your parents adore and make you pretty sure they wish this friend was actually their child instead of you?

Danny is that friend.

All the boys seem to really enjoy the outdoors but I do think Danny strikes me as one of the boys who seems to enjoy it the most.

I can picture him wanting to be outside with his best friend.

Hikes. A day trip to the beach. Golf.

"Cmon (Y/N)! Can't have ya falling behind!" He'd yell when too much space builds between the two of you on a hiking trail.

I'm sure all the boys would do this but, I do think Danny would be the type of friend to go out of his way to make your life easier.

Even if this means doing something drastic.

"Your parents won't be able to make it out for the holidays...? Let's drive out there together."

"What?? We cant---"

"I've already got it planned don't worry about it."

There's also always the added benefit of getting to take out your emotions on his drum kit whenever you need to as well... this is an open ended invitation.

Danny unfortunately seems like the kind of person that listens most of the time and probably doesn't get to be the one to complain himself.

So you would have to keep an eye on him and prod a lot to get him to open up.

Even then I think you'd have to get him drinking before he'd actively talk about his problems.

It's not that he doesn't trust you. He just doesn't want to burden you, especially if you have a lot happening.

The kind of friend that wants to bond with your pets (they probably listen to him better than they ever did for you).

Let's be honest he'd bring your pets gifts so much.

"Another bandana?? Danny where are you getting these---"

"It has to match the collar I got him."

"Jeez get your own pet man."

All in all. Danny is a gentle soul, so keep that in mind as his best friend. He will give his all, probably 150%... make sure you keep up your end.

Otherwise he will burn himself out.

All in all:

Look it's pretty easy just to assume that all the guys would be good friends.

They all are sweet guys.

They all seem like people who enjoy learning about new things and people's interests.

As a group---

There would be so much fun and merriment as you all explore nature.

Bonfires and music baby.

Camping invitations of course.

Probably lots of drinking games (if you drink).

"Haha--- (Y/N) has to drink kings Cup!"

"Fuck my life..."

"Sucks to suck buddy!"

Lots of music being played.

Long drives with the windows down.

Stupid jokes.

Dumb faces.

A good group of guys that will honestly accept you as you are.

And that will also make fun of you mercilessly.

All out of love of course~

//Hopefully you liked it! For those who noticed, yes I did post this early by accident, I went to save this and like... hit the save button. And then I opened up my feed and there it was so!!! I don't know what happened.//

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reki-of-the-valley · 3 years

Text

Vent post feel free to ignore me. Just gotta exteriorize a bit

But like...... I'm tired. I'm just so tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Everything feels heavy. And I know it's just an episode, that I'll feel okay in not too long, or maybe it will take some time, maybe I'll be tired for months, but rn? Heavy. And you can feel it in my writing. You can feel how heavy I feel. I never hide how I feel, I put that on display rather plainly because it helps me take steps forwards. Writing is an outlet for me. But it's also a mask. A mask to all my feelings. One step forward is one step back.

Things are rough rn. And I know I'm fortunate in life. I'm in uni, I'm studying something I should love, but it's just... Heavy. It's the only word I have today. It's the only word that feels adequate. A weight I want to get rid of but that's stuck on me.

What do I mean should love? Easy: I love literature. Despite what I say about being illiterate, I do genuinely love reading. I love finding pretty phases and words. I love feeling emotions that aren't mine but that are nonetheless real. I love being touched by an idea. I love reading because I hope, i sincerely hope that what I write can make someone else love reading. And you know when Langa asks Reki if he can be the only one who doesn't know how to ollie and Reki says sure but you won't really get anywhere if you don't learn? Yeah. I tried to do that but with reading. Be the only writer who doesn't read. I quickly learned that it doesn't work like that and i quickly learned that I do love literature. So I decided to major in it. Because I'm supposed to love it.

But studying something you love is not always.... It's heavy sometimes. It's heavy and mixed with my heavy anxiety... It's not a match made in heaven.

I am an extremely anxious person. I don't think I've ever hidden that about myself. I've always been rather honest about my anxiety and how I can get these fits of anxiety very suddenly and I can spiral into a panic very easily. It's something I know I have to deal with, that I've learned to manage even if it is hard to get out of my head sometimes. Hell, just posting fics causes a great deal of anxiety because of that fear of "what if it's terrible." Pleasure and anxiety somehow go hand in hand for me and it's weird. Weird but in the end, my panic does vanish and the happiness I find in sharing my stories comes out on top.

But anxiety is something exhausting. It's exhausting when there is no counter to it. So while I feel anxious every time I post to ao3, the feeling of happiness associated to telling stories and sharing them with all of you far outweighs the panic I feel, the spiralling, the what ifs. There's that counter, anxiety vs pleasure. For school... There is no counter. There's nothing to balance out the fear, the panic, the spiralling. And that's when I know it gets out of hand.

It's been awhile since I've felt this bad. It's been precisely 5 months since I've felt this heavy. I've had 5 months with minor panics, minor attacks, but outweighed by so many pleasing moments that they didn't mean anything to me. I didn't let them hurt me. Because I was doing something that genuinely felt amazing, like i was flying. Especially in the past 2 months.

Now I don't want to be overly sappy, but the Sk8 fandom has done wonders for me. I feel far more confident, I'm passionate about the boys, I have nearly 150 of you guys following me, there's fanart done about my shitposts and fics (I love you so much you don't understand how much those mean to me), and my writing has touched quite a bit of people. And sometimes it makes me cry because I've never had this much attention on me. And maybe it doesn't seem like much, but to me, it means the world. You guys mean the world to me. (I remember going through stories on insta the other day and seeing my fics being recced by an artist that I really look up to. I sobbed. Or sometimes I get notifs about people bookmarking my fics and I recognize the names and I'm just there like ??? How did this happen???)

So I had months of feeling uplifted, but now? Yeah, all of this still makes me feel great, but real life? Not so much. Real life sometimes I just want to quit it. Not in a death way, not anymore, but in a "I don't want to do anything anymore" way. Because it feels heavy. Feeling sick every time I have to get up, it feels heavy. Feeling nauseous as hold a novel, it's heavy. Feeling like shit, that choked up horrid feeling of illness that never really comes every time I open my computer, it's heavy. Anxiety is heavy. Fear of not preforming properly, of stumbling in my act of the perfect scholar, it's heavy. And today felt like my breaking point. Today was the worst I've felt in a long time. Today, anxiety induced illness pushed me to the point where I felt like I was going to pass out.

I don't remember what my point was when I started writing this 20 minutes ago. Maybe it was just to vent. Maybe it was a no filter moment, put all my thoughts down and hopefully feel better. Maybe it was just a moment of heaviness that felt too unbearable for me to keep it to myself, hide it within me like I've been routinely doing for the past 20 years (ok, fine, probably more like 8 years but whatever. I don't know when the anxiety really started to come up. I wan to say when I started high school and felt the need to top everyone. Compensate for something I was missing. Praise? Was that what I wanted? Was praise all I craved? Validation? Are those the things I seek when I out myself out there? I should know what I want but I'm ignorant to my own desires.) There was a reason for me to start this, but the reason I do not remember. Maybe I've just been too engulfed in my own misery. Maybe this moment will pass, that I'll move on to a new moment, one where I don't feel like utter shit. Maybe this is a way of trying to move forward. Maybe this is just the consequence of me writing for 12 hours about how confessions allow the confessor to breathe, rid themselves of their shame and begin life again. Maybe that's what I want. Maybe I just want to get rid of the shame I feel about my anxiety.

I don't know of this is coherent. I broke down crying halfway through it

#dont reblog this please #not sk8 #personal #vent #hush lils #really hush dont do this too often #tbd

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raisedinerebor · 4 years

Text

I See Fire

Paring: N/a

Song: I see fire - Ed Sheeran

Warnings: I know a lot of us are going through the fires going through Oregon, California and Washington right know and it’s probably the last thing you want to read about right now. So im just letting you all know that this is what this story is about.

An: Speaking of which, this is one long vent of a story. I’m in one of those states currenlty on fire. And i’ve been nothing but an anxitey filled mess for the last week. This is just my way of trying to calm down. I’m considering myself lucky. The fires haven’t quite reached where im at. They’re insanly close though and every so often keep on getting pushed back. But it’s driving me insane. I seriously cannot see the mountain right across where I live. It’s compleatly shrouded in smoke. I’m safe. My family is safe. And i’m thankfull for that.

I hope all of you stay as safe as you possibly can.

Tags: @fizzyxcustard

Ash fell from the sky like snow. Blanketing the world around us in a sea of grey. Smoke filtered through trees and hung high in the air. Smothering us with each aching breathe. It’s all we could smell anymore. Smoke. It clung to us like a promise made to be broken.

The only thing we could see as well. It obscured towering mountains and once green trees. It made the sky cry red. Like some sick joke. As if we already weren’t in a living hell. It filled our lungs with ash and laughed when we choked.

Our days were filled with fear and trepidation. The promise of fire just around the corner. Our livelyhoods hung in a delicate balance. Any moment we could be forced away from our homes with whatever we could carry. With nothing more than memories of past lives.

We could only hope and pray that we wouldn’t end up like everyone else.

That our last memories of home won’t be that of dancing flames swallowing our houses. Of our lives.

My body shook as I jolted awake. My hands trembling as I place them over my pounding heart. I breathe in deeply. Cool mountain air filling my lungs. I almost cried then. It wasn’t that long ago that I was there. Home. In a world of never ending smoke.

None of the Company knew that. All they knew was I was just some kid that was tagging along. I don’t know what magic brought me but I know I will make it send me back. As long as my family is stil there I will not stop fighting. Each day has been filled with anxiety and worry. I’m scared for them. It’s not fair that i’m safe here. Well. Relativly safe. As much as I can be with the impending doom of Orcs and other beasts that make thier home in this world.

I sit up and draw my blanket tightly over my shoulders. Wiping away a few tears that slipped past as I breathe in deeply once more. The only thing I have been thankful for since coming here. Fresh air. Free from smoke and ash.

“Y/n?” I glance up as Bilbo sits in front of me. I take the cup he offeres to me. It’s some type of tea. Sweet on my tongue with a minty aftertaste.

“Ya?” I take another drink.

“Are you okay, my dear?” He tilts his head to the side. Blonde curls fall softly and catch in the early morning light. I smile. Or at least try to.

“I’m fine Bilbo. Just thinking.” He reaches out with a hankerchief. Softly, as if though he were scared to hurt me, he brushed away tears I hadn’t known had fallen. He shakes his head.

“Something tells me that it’s quite the opposite.” He sits to the side of me and pats my knee. “You can talk to me. The others are sleeping and whatever you say will stay between us. That much I can promise.” He takes a drink of his own tea. “Me an you are quite the outsiders here and I think we should stick together. Don’t you think?”

I clear my throat and take a drink. “I don’t think you want to hear about my troubles and woes, Mr. Baggins. And the last thing I wish to do is burden others with my troubles.” He shakes his head.

“Quite the opposite. Know. Please, tell me. Maybe I can help.” I jump as a few of the dwarves around us stir. Thorin going as far as to turn and pull his blanket further over his head. He had the last of the night watch and probably wasn’t too keen on being woken anytime soon.

“My homes burning.” Bilbo looks at me. Eyes blown so wide I caught hint’s of green in his hazel eyes. “Before I came here. To this place. The states around me are on fire. And the one I live in.” I hug myself.

“And i’m one of he lucky ones. We are only on what they call, level one evacuation. We not so close that we can see flames but. Fuck. It’s so close that ash is raining from the sky.” I swallow thickly. “All around us is nothing but smoke and ash. People wondering where they’ll go if and when their homes burn. We’ve already backed up things we will need if we have to leave but.” My eyes burn as I blink away tears.

“I’m scared Mr. Baggins. I’m so fucking scared that i’ll lose everything I have ever known. I’ve grown up in the same house my entire life. All those memories. All my family. I’m scared for them. Even if it’s not all that close to us yet. It’s all I worry about. All I could smell or taste is smoke and ash. It’s etched itself into every article of clothing and I can’t seem to wash it from my hair.” I wipe away the tears falling. “It’s so terrifying to watch the whole world bath itself in red. And i’m so scared. It’s not fair that i’m here and my family is still there.”

I look up, afraid that he’ll leave me where I am now. Open an vunerable and very much a scared little kid. But, instead, he pulls me in close.

“We’ll get you back my dear. No matter what it takes. Gandalf has a plan. I know he does. And when it’s all done an over with just know, no matter what, you’ll have a home with me. That’s the only consolation I can give you now my dear. I hope that it will be enough.” I sniffle and nod my head. It’s not. Not really. But i’m not going to tell im that. I won’t be fine until i’m home again. But it does help. Even if its just a bit.

He pulls away all to soon.

“I have to get breakfast going my dear. You just rest a little longer. Okay?” I nod my head as he turns to leave. Only to jump a mile high as I catch Thorin sitting upright and staring right at me. Blue eyes pericing into my very soul. How much of that did he hear?

Shit.

I get up and make a beline to the tree line. The blanket falling from my shoulders and landing in a heap behind me. I walk along the small deer trail Gloin found the other day. It leads to a rather small stream but its enough to help wash away any signs that I had been crying.

The cold water stings as I splash it against my face. Sitting back on my heels I use the edge of my shirt to dry my face off. I grab a few pebbles and toss them into the water. I could hear The Company coming to life. FIli and Kili’s joivel shouts the loudest of them all. I don’t want to go back to camp. Not quite yet at any rate.

I stand up and grab a few smooth-ish looking rocks. They only skip across the water a couple of times. I try a few more times before deciding to give up. I jump back as a rock skips all the way to the other side. Leaving small ripples on its path.

“You have to flick your wrist a little more, Lass.” It’s Thorin. Damn. I kick at the pebbled shore before turning to look back to the other side of the stream and to the mountains towering above us.

“What’s going on? Are we leaving early today?” It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve done that. Thorin desprate to cover more ground before the next downpour.

“No. Not today. I’ve decided we need a much needed rest.” He takes a few steps closer to me and places his hand on my shoulder. Fingers brushing away a few strands of hair resting there. “And me an you have much to discuss. Come.” I swallow thickly as he guide me towards an old fallen log. His hand never leaving my shoulder even as we sit.

I fiddle with the rings on my fingers. Anxiety filling me as silence surrounds us. Thorin takes my hand into his and brushes his thumb along my knuckles. My hands were shaking. He clears his throat and looks up and off into the distance.

“I heard you speaking with Master Baggins.” He looks at me. Blue eyes distant and soft. If I had know any better I would have said he look upset. Sorrowful even. He brings my hand up and presses a chaste kiss to it. “Lass, if I had known I would have moved us non-stop to Rivendale. Even as much as I do not wish to go there, im sadden to admit they would be able to help you far more than I could. They could get you home more quickly. For if magic is what brought you hear, surley they have the means to get you back the same way.” Once again i’m brought to tears.

“No one should have to watch their world succumb to flames. Much less at such a slow and steady pace.” He bows his head and gips the key around his neck with his free hand. “I have seen what fire can do. I know the feeling of heat licking at your skin and ash in your lungs. And have seen the charred remains it leave behind.”

I don’t think before I move. My arms seem to wrap around him of their own free will. My face burrying into the crook of his neck as sobs shake my body.

“I know of that fear you speak of, Y/n. And I mourn the fact that you have to live through that. I swear to Malhal that we’ll get you back home as quickly as possible. Your nightmares don’t need to be bathed in red.” He pulls back and rests his forhead on mine. One hand on the side of my face and the other rests at my hip. Callosed fingers tracing circles onto exposed skin.

“We will get you home.”

#The hobbit #The company x reader #thorin #bilbo baggins #I honest to god could use a hug from thorin though #Once again please stay safe

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let-patton-say-fuck · 3 years

Text

Hello and welcome

This post is going to be long and detailed, but here’s the gist:

I want to create a blog that will serve as a collection of Patton content in which he's portrayed as the extremely interesting character that he is. This includes angst, character studies, theories, discussions of gray morality, etc, etc. Also, I personally heavily identify with Patton, and whenever I see content of him being absolutely feral? Incredibly cathartic. I just think it’s neat. So, this is a blog for Patton content that presents him as more than the “innocent soft little puffball” he tends to be percieved as in the fandom. And, to be honest, more than anything I just want to inspire as many people as possible to join me in my #LetPattonSayFuck agenda. Let him do it. He deserves it.

None (or almost none) of the content on this blog is going to be mine. If you have content you want me to put on here, you can:

Tag me in it

Submit a post

Send me an ask

DM it to me

I will reblog the things people send me and try my best to organise them (more on that after the cut). You can send art, fanfiction, edits, rants, headcanons, memes, just related thoughts that come to your head, basically anything you want.

I will also sometimes reblog things to this blog just because I feel like they fit and I want to. If I reblogged something you created to this blog and you don't want that, please let me know, and I will delete it. Essentially, this is just a place for me to hoard (and navigate) any and all content about my favourite types of Patton characterisation. And you can join, if you want!!

And now onto the details:

About The Different Kinds Of Patton:

Different sides (ha) of Patton might be explored in the posts of this blog, so I think they will require some sort of classification. You can block or search certain tags based on your preferences.

The tags I will be using:

#let patton say fuck - any post where Patton swears (not necessarily “fuck”)

#feral patton - feral Patton. That’s it that’s the tag. Let my boy go feral. Whatever level of feral. From dying your hair at 4am to murder. Give me feral Patton

#angry patton

#patton angst - h u r t h i m (then help him pls. Not a requirement, just a personal request. Unhappy endings accepted but not without tears). This one will probably have a lot of subcategories

#flirty patton - I will be using this tag for any flirtatious actions from Patton, especially those that wouldn’t usually be seen as “typical” for him.

#suggestive patton - taking the previous tag a step further, this one is for any innuendos, sexual jokes/hints from Patton, whether in a flirty context or just for humour reasons.

#smart patton - any kinds of intelligence. Emotional intelligence, academic intelligence, strategic intelligence, musical intelligence, etc. Bring it on. If anyone wants me to make separate tags for different types of intelligence, please let me know exactly how you want me to do that, and I will, as soon as I can.

#BAMF patton - let him fuck shit up a little. As a treat

#mischief patton - Patton doing pranks, teasing someone, making fun of someone light-heartedly, messing with people. Sarcastic Patton. All that adorable devious shit. Gimme

#smug patton - smug bastard man,,,,,, sarcastic bastard man,,,,,,,,,, teasing bastard man,,,,,, (this one and the mischief one will probably overlap yeah)

#patton and morality - gray morality Patton. Being confused abt moral concepts because morality is hard, man. Patton being wrong, but learning. Patton making mistakes,,,,, I love him

#nsfw patton - I accept NSFW content, it will always be tagged. These posts will also be tagged with "#nsfw" and "#nsfs" (Not Safe For Sanders). This tag is for explicitly sexual things only. Sexual humour/innuendos/hints will all be in the "suggestive" tag. You can filter out one or both, if you want.

Once again, if anyone wants me to make a separate tag, I will.

About The Different Kinds Of Content:

As I’ve mentioned before, absolutely any form of content is accepted. Some tags that will help in looking for specific things:

#pat art - Some art,,, of the Pat,,,,,

#pat fanfic - More on ships later

#pat thoughts - any kinds of thoughts/rants. If you wanna share your ideas or just talk about Patton, this is probably how it will be tagged. Lemme know if you want me to change anything

#pat analysis

#pat theories

#pat hcs - any headcanons!! Ship headcanons!! Random headcanons!!! Vent “This is about Patton but I Am Patton” headcanons haha definitely know nothing about those!!! All headcanons are welcome

#pat memes - memes, shitposts, funny thoughts, incorrect quotes. Anything like that

#pat edits - Video, photo, audio, GIF. Once again, if anyone wants separate tags, I will add them.

Any other types of content will be given their own tags in the future, if they will be needed.

The tag for any asks is just "#asks". Anything related to this blog will be tagged "#blog stuff".

About Ships:

All ships will be given their own tags. More ships (poly ships, ships without Patton in them) will be added later as we go. For now here are the tags I will be using for Patton ships (tell me if anything needs to be changed):

#moceit

#logicality

#moxiety

#intruality

#royality

All characters will be tagged as “#ts *character name*”:

#ts logan

#ts janus

#ts roman

#ts virgil

#ts remus

If you don’t want to see certain characters or ships, please just filter the tags.

About Trigger Warnings:

If you ever need me to tag (or change) anything for any reason, please feel free to tell me, and I will do so as fast as I can and as thoroughly as I can.

Trigger warning tags are added to this post as content is being posted. Before posting anything, I will review it for potential triggers and update this post if needed. If anyone wants to add a tag for anything in advance - let me know, and I will do it.

So, let's start:

#pat discourse - any kind of argument against the way Patton is treated by the general fandom. While I think most people here would agree with those opinions, sometimes just the notion of an argument is distressing.

#tw cursing - I mean just in case

#tw murder mention - for references to murder with no details or visuals

#tw murder - discussion of murder with some details and/or visuals

#tw repression

#tw self-hatred

#tw anxiety attack

#tw threats

#tw alcohol

And finally!!!! This is a No Unsympathetic Patton Allowed zone. I guess it depends on how you would define "unsympathetic", but no content of Patton being abusive and/or anything similar to that will be posted, and please, please do not send it in. Please don't send Patton hate either, I won't post it, but it will hurt me quite a lot, please don't do that. If you don't like Patton, just go to another blog.

#tw arguing

#tw self-destructive behaviour

I'm sorry in advance if I ever forget to tag anything, please tell me right away so I can fix it! I don't really know how to run a blog, so I'm sorry if anything is wrong. I'm willing to try my best to keep this as organised as possible, since it's For A Good Cause. Thank you so much for visiting this blog, and I hope you enjoy it!!

#sanders sides #patton sanders #ts patton #let patton say fuck #tw cursing #long post #the length of this post (before the cut) is distressing me so ill look into what i can do abt that

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xxrat--punkxx · 3 years

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JUMPING ON THIS BAND WAGGON

Ok here’s my 2020, tw//mentions of suicide and abuse

(Strong start lmao) 2020 sucked ass lemmi tell ya. This year was a fucking train wreck from the start, ur hay I got character development so who cares. Well let’s start with a review, bad things first.

Yall remember when everyone was scared shields of COVID?. Lol. But that’s stating the obvious. When we went into lockdown I was first like fuck yeah summer lol, but then the threat of ‘staying home for the rest of the year’ set in, bing in my first year of sixth form I really understand the stakes of exams next year. So having to stay home for the rest of the year freaked me the fuck out. I literally couldent cope, having to do all classes online was fucking hell, they were never zoom classes either, just ‘lmao do the work and hand it in’ which was near impossible for me. I was also in the constant ‘oh no I’m so stressed but I will do NOTHING about this lmao~’. As the days turned to weeks and inevitably MONTHS, my mental health said buckle up bitches. Days were spent sitting in my room on my phone doing NOTHING, meanwhile this perpetual notion of stress played in my head yet there I sat not having the will or motion to move.

Then my parents got involved. Now THATS when shit went from pretty crummy to awful, now I was living with them constantly I was able to see who they really were with no real filter. And oh god do I have issues, I didn’t even fucking know. Every day was an argument, my mom was the worst, the MANIPULATION, the constant ‘you're tearing this family apart’ or ‘so I’m the problem?’ Or the fucking indecent playing the victim. And I all only just realised, that they have been doing this ALL MY LIFE. Dad got involved but he was just physically violent, only twice tho. The worst part was my work, admittedly yes, I didn’t do everything I was given, but I tried, I really did with what little motivation I had. But with just one ‘oh your daughter hasn’t handed in this work’ I was a ‘lazy, good for nothing failure’ to quote ‘who will never go anywhere in life’ so I’d spend the rest of the day crying while they play the victim bury saupying I was abusing their love and just using them for money. But the next day be like ‘oh I’m so proud of you you're doing so well’ having that statement being completely unrelated to the previous events. This was constant. So that’s that story. I won’t talk much about Black Lives Matter because we all know about how that went. But it really affected me, I found myself crying over the victims multiple times. And the lack of support for the movement my peers or family showed made it fucking worse. Crying was a common occurrence for me now, mental health really taking a nosedive, being too scared to call myself ‘depressed’ or ‘mentally ill’ to any extent because I know I’m faking it and just want validation. That was also constant. Fun times huh.

BUT IT GETS WORSE 🥲, then I had to go back to school, awful to fucking abhorrent now. Year two of sixth form fun right? Sure, if u take away the ‘no free time period’ or the wanting to kill mystery for literally a whole 3 weeks. That was my lowest peak. Ever. I’ve never wanted to kill myself before then, don’t like that feeling. Shocker huh. That mixed with the constant anxiety of nothing is right anymore and also needing to succeed at school all made one healthy dose of ‘.exe has stopped working’ juice. Yet I played the fool, acting happy as if nothing had happened, or was happening at least, and venting by imagining scenes in my head with fictional characters lmao. Telling myself ’u can’t kill yourself because u don’t deserve too and ur just asking for attraction’. Then midterms happened blah blah blah, stress but I’m numb to it now that whole story.

But that’s not to say there wasn’t a silver lining.

Onto the good things finally, yes the year was probably one of the worst years I’ve been through in my life it did not go without its positives. For example early this year I got into borderlands properly, I finally explored the fandom and had a look at what it was like. Albeit a slow process considering I was still predominantly on Instagram at the time, and finding a community of a fandom on there is impossible. I started browsing Pinterest or the Internet for images that would link to my favourite characters, Who were to no ones surprise is the calypso twins. Pinterest led me to artworks and artworks led me to the infamous Lazulizard. Who I cherish all my being. Three weeks later after looking at her entire tumblr blog and stalking her of pretty much all her content (sorry for that by the way) I found border-spam. By this point I didn’t have tumblr and I had no intention of getting it seeing as an ongoing war I’ve had with myself since 2012, declaring I will be the bigger man and never get tumblr, which in hindsight was an awful mindset. Seeing as tumblr is probably one of my favourite places on Earth right now. But after also stalking border spams account, again sorry, and starving her of any content she’d ever posted. I was happy that this fandom although as niche as it is was actually getting content. At the time spam and lazu were absolute gods to me. Being the sole producer of a fandom I probably wasn’t even in properly, having both impeccable writing and impeccable art like good God. I would often think ‘wow wouldn’t it be incredible if I actually got to talk to them one day’, now look at me I’m doing commissions for both of them good God. And to be short joining tumblr felt like a fever dream and it’s probably the greatest thing I could’ve done this year, my parents are wrong, talking to strangers is amazing.

Something notable of mention this year as I actually got to figure out who I am as a person, I was able to find my own style and to find my interests, specifically in what I liked in terms of clothing. I thought I was LOL 2012 goth hipster but no apparently I’m manic Pixie dream girl. Going from pink is the ugliest colour in the world to having it be the only colour I will ever wear. I made some pretty big choices this year like cutting pretty much all of my hair off and dying it for the first time. Thanks strict parents for only letting me do that one now. But like I said I went to a character Ark and you know what I like it. I also played BioShock fallout and horizon zero dawn for the first time this year starting to really feel like a proper epic gamer, good lord kill me, and falling in love with all of them almost immediately. I also figured out on a plant mum and I’m into vulture culture although my parents have to disagree with that one. Asking to buy an Horse and fox skull somehow scared them a little bit can’t seem to figure out why lmao.

So a conclusion, Fuck you 2020 you made me miss two comic cons and I will never forgive you for that shit I am SO mad. But I will give you the benefit of the doubt you did make me meet some absolutely incredible people who I consider my friends, despite going against every single Internet safety law I was ever taught as a child. But you know what who gives a flying shit I love you guys. So that’s what I wanted to say. I want to say thank you to everyone on here and everyone is following me or even interacted me with on that matter. You mean the world to me and I really fucking mean it. Are you going to be nothing but amazing ever since I walked onto this fucking hell hole. And what I go through all of this bullshit again if it means I ended up here? You know what I think I just might. So again I thank you and I hope your year didn’t go as badly as mine, and fuck it bring on whatever the fucks next!

Honourable mention of this year was The time Elisa actually complimented me and I cried a little bit and had a panic attack but you know that’s for another day

🥺💕

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normalcartoonic · 3 years

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I’m sorry...

Hello there, I know I won't be accepted forgiveness right away as I have a feeling you don't trust me, but I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being pushy, I'm sorry for complaining, I'm sorry if I hurt you, I'm just sorry for everything. All I am is a loser with low self esteem that complains from time to time that everyone thinks I'm a liar. And I can't blame you as I feel like I'm a nobody to anybody. All I want was trying to be best person, but everything just pushes me down that I don't know who I am anymore.

Ever since I joined the internet, I've been worrying that there's a few people that would try to push me down that I can't think properly and feel like I'm nothing. Sometimes I would just push it aside and take a glimpse and take account on it's about. But he most recent event that dragged me down that made me felt like I don't belonged was around late 2019 when a friend showed me a callout post that some random person on the internet about me. I don't even know about this user until my friend showed me the journal. Most of the stuff the user said about me I can understand and I can't deny it as they exploit I draw some things people don't like (SOME things). But I felt like the user wasn't telling the entire truth as they showed that my naughty stuff (mainly pinups) weren't filtered, which is unture as I actually put some of the art under a mature filter. Either the artist may've had the mature filter off or just want to lie. Either way, I made some posts about it and all the user did was trying to make it worse. Not only that, but I found out that there's a blog on tumblr that calls out certain Mr. Men fandom users for actions they don't like, mainly those that possibly hate for not being pure, and I was in it. I didn't thought about it for a while until a week or two ago after I saw some Mr. Men servers on tumblr that I wanted to join and see who was part of it. But after trying to join, I was unexpectedly kicked out for no reason. I understand that not everyone is not gonna accept me, but at the same time that it still feels unfair that I was given the treatment, as I only just joined and didn't done anything wrong on the server. And I know there's people in the server that don't like my stuff, but it's not like I was gonna break the rules as I was gonna be on my best behavior. Besides, it's not like I'm the only one that draws NSFW Mr. Men stuff as there's other artists hidden that do similar things like that. Regardless, I decided to just give up on that Mr. Men server as I feel like I'm never gonna be part of it and they only want pure members. In hindsight, I wish my one friend never told me about that post as all it did was making feel miserable and think that everyone is gonna turn against me, which it kinda did as that blog made those servers think I'm bad person. If I hadn't heard about it, I would've been happy and oblivious and not care about what is going on.

Which leads me to another user that is somewhat connected to it. As some of you know, I've been doing the anthro takes of the Mr. Men characters based on what a friend of mine did for years and wanted to do that style as it was very comfortable doing that format, plus she did some questionable things with those takes so they didn't care if anybody else uses that take. A month ago, there was an artist I found out on tumblr that did some very cute drawings that made me jealous that I kinda wish I have that style. This artist did their take of one of my favorite characters Miss Calamity as I like the design of their human take and wanted to do their of it. I know some of you are gonna say that I should've looked at their twitter before drawing that take of the character and asked the artist to use permission on drawing their take of the character. But the thing is that I only know the artist through tumblr and I was just looking at the art they posted and didn't know about their twitter until recently. And even then, they may've blocked my twitter accounts beforehand (and possibly my tumblr account as I get an error reblogging their pieces), so I can't have any contact with the artist. And the problem with the humanized Miss Calamity design is that unlike an OC where it's 100 percent owned by the artist, a humanized take of a character from a show or film is a bit iffy as that character is owned by the company and I doubt that. And I had no other way to contact the artist and don't know what their friends are that I can pass telephone, so rather than waiting for a long time, I decided to go ahead to experiment two pieces. Sometime after venting on getting banned from the Mr. Men server I just joined, I cooled off for a bit and after talking with one of her friends and heard that that she was upset. I told them to pass an apology message about the whole mess. They don't want to talk to me directly, but they at least they know what is going on and accepted my apology.

So any future humanized Mr. Men pictures made after the two Miss Calamity pieces I drew a month ago (both safe and the explicit one) are not gonna be in that format anymore, and would go back to the previous style as it's more safe compare to the real human designs. In hindsight, I wish I never heard of this artist in the first place as I felt like finding out their human takes of the Mr. Men characters only soured out relationship more and it's unlikely we'll talk, which is sad as I like their art and felt like we could've been decent friends if things weren't exploited about me out in the open.

So what am I gonna do now? The first thing I'm gonna do is to put most of my NSFW stuff I put as links on DeviantArt under a paywall. I'm sorry for those that like my NSFW stuff, but after seeing some corners of the fandom don't like how my stuff is getting exposed that some people don't want to talk to me, I'm putting most of my stuff as payware through my patreon. So anything that wasn't under payware will be part of the treatment (alts included). Pinups are still gonna be under mature filters. If you're cheap and don't want to pay for them, go find some of them on other sites. I'm still gonna draw NSFW, but for safety reasons the more explicit stuff be mostly payware. And some of the taboo stuff won't be posted here (which doesn't matter as I just stopped doing it years ago after two posts). The second thing is that I cut some people out of my life that are just making my life hard for the past few years, like one that was friendly at first but later started to mock me over the years rather than telling me what I'm drawing wrong, and another person on twitter that was encouraging me to draw more NSFW that only made some people to not like me anymore. Now like I said, I'm still gonna draw that stuff, but it'll be under strict filters and payware after what happened. Some people that don't like me for drawing that stuff won't accept me back, but at least that's a start.

As of for what's ahead for me, I'm not sure at the moment. I just feel like I'm not meant to have any friends at all, either because of who I am, my actions or something is not related to me. All I know is that I'm still gonna draw stuff that would often pop into my mind, though I'm gonna be more careful unlike what happened recently. But we're all human and we all make mistakes. I'm also just gonna ignore anything about me that brings me down as all I want is to try to make myself happy as all that blog did was making me feel upset and feel like nobody is gonna like me on trying to exploit a lot of things about me. I know criticism is meant to make you be stronger, but some of it felt like it was trying to make be someone else that people want me to be, and all it does was just making me feel unhappy. And let's be honest, my life sucks, I have no friends and the whole world is against me no matter what I do. All I want is to be happy and do whatever I feel is right. So again, I'm sorry if were you hurt by me or feel like you were turned off by me either because of my content or how I was behaving. It's nobody's fault.

#apology #vent

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zhansww · 4 years

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oh gosh, i agree w your answer to the last ask so much. i’m not a bxg myself, but i’ve been following you for a while, so i tend to always have some sort of idea of what’s going on in the fandom, including right now, and hearing about all of this from you and other people has been so distressing. it’s honestly baffling to me that people don’t even realize(or care) how disrespectful and damaging (not to mention, selfish) it is to spread around clips that 1) shouldn’t have been filmed and sold in the first place 2) could have a negative impact on gg and dd

Selfish is the right word. They’re also being hypocrites by doing the same thing they constantly berate solos for which is just believing whatever is more convenient for them. In this case, bxg don’t know what ggdd think or feel about all this so they just decide that they’d be okay with it. What they should rather do is try to put themselves in ggdd’s shoes. Assuming they’re actually certain that those two are a couple, they can’t possibly think that ggdd would approve of drawing this much attention to their relationship again. We probably can’t imagine how difficult this must all be for them, how hard it must have been for dd to not be able to openly support or defend gg while the whole internet hated on him and to keep staying distant, they couldn’t even pretend to be friendly. When I try to empathize with them, I think that just seeing all the reactions from cp fans would be enough to make any hope I had to work with my bf again drop. I remember, after weibo night, the common consensus among (not only) cp fans was that gg very obviously kept his distance from dd because he wanted to not only protect what they have but also not ruin any chance of working with dd again. But then shit happened in February and these recent videos - that would probably make anyone question their relationship - only serve to get thirsty fangirls excited. That’s literally the only purpose of those videos. You can argue about whether ggdd want this or not but they definitely don’t f-cking need this. I don’t think those videos were taken without their consent or knowledge so the fact that they exist isn’t a problem imo. But people, making thousands of dollars off of selling those videos is undeniable fucked up. And the ones who share or get excited about this aren’t better either. There’s obviously nothing I can change or control about this, though, which is why I just try to ignore it now tbh. I made like two posts about it and I remember being frustrated and depressed af yesterday morning because of the new clips that had been shared earlier (but then gg saved the day by appearing outta nowhere on cctv TTTT). They only thing I think I can do - besides pointlessly complaining about it just to vent (lol) - is hope that it won’t affect ggdd’s already strained public relationship. Lucky you for not being a bxg by the way, heh. As much as I dislike the fandom, I still love gg and dd and I’m also still certain about their relationship. So I’m in this to stay but what I try to do with this blog is to filter all the bs and only keep the good things. Also, thank you for your message and please know that I appreciate you for your critical, selfless and empathetic thinking. Or in other words, I appreciate that you respect ggdd~

#ask #qlexqnderlightwood

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peterpan-ouat-imagines · 4 years

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In Hell I Will: Part 2

What the heck I met the guy I’ve been dying to find out more about within under an hour? Not even intentionally! This is crazy and I’m a bit unprepared because I’m taken aback by his appearance. He looks so professional and serious in a suit... not a ginger head wearing green. Plus I was not prepared for this like how do I act around him? I start feeling nervous.

“Um, sorry,” I put it down gently, “Can I just look around for five more minutes?” I smile hopefully.

“That’s fine, take your time,” he tells me and I keep looking trying to find hints or things that belong to Hook having trouble not focusing on Peter Pan in the same room as me, “I haven’t seen you around here before are you new?” he asks.

“That’s a bad pickup line that won’t work on me, but since you asked, I’m temporarily new I guess. I am not dead though, I’m on a trip to find Captain Hook, who you obviously know because of your story. My family is gonna save him,” I share.

He chuckles.

I stop searching and turn to him, “What’s funny?”

“One, I wasn’t flirting, I was simply asking a question, and the really funny part is that you say your going to save him like it’s easy,” he explains.

I start feeling a bit attacked and the confidence in my voice starts to quiver, “Well obviously it won’t be quick and simple, but it’s not like it’ll take a week or anything,”

He catches me off guard and suddenly goes from across the room to two feet away, “Well maybe I can help you with being more prepared,”

I jump,” Ah! How did you do that? You were all the way over there less than a second ago!”

“It’s magic, which I’m pretty sure you know of because of your families story,” he answers using my words.

“One, you don’t need to make me eat my words, two they were right, you aren’t like the movies and stories I grew up with, and three, you don’t scare me which apparently you’re trying to do I think,” I tell him.

He chuckles again, “I don’t get it why do you keep making fun of me?!” I exclaim.

“No reason, you’re just funny. And just so you know, I am as bad as they tell you,” he tells me in a low, serious tone.

I roll my eyes and go to the backroom to get away and he follows me.

“I can help, we can make a deal, just say the word,” he tells me.

I look in his eyes and see the thirst for getting what he wants, which is off-putting but attractive at the same time, “I was told that making deals is a bad idea, so I appreciate the offer but no,” I say politely.

“Alright then, it was nice meeting you...?” he waits for my name.

“Y/n, and thanks. And you don’t have to go, I’m finished here. But I’m not going to lie I don’t know whether to say the same about you because your kind of annoying, I hate to be blunt but it’s true,” I admit with no filter.

He chuckles once again but I ignore it and go. So much for meeting the person I was so defensive about just to be wrong. But if I didn’t like him why did his voice and eyes, and everything else make me drawn to stay and talk to him?

Henry is waiting for me outside. “What took you so long? You were in that shop forever!” he asks.

“Sorry, the things down here are just more interesting than normal Storybrooke, haven’t seen some before ya know,” I tell him low-key referring to Peter Pan.

“Hey follow me, there’s someone I want to find and I want you to meet him,” he walks towards the bed and breakfast and I walk with him.

“How are you dealing with all of this? I know it’s your first real adventure,” he asks me standing kind of close.

“I haven’t been here very long but it’s all so interesting and different, I like being in on something like this!” I tell him.

“You can stick with me if you’d like, I have some experience when things go south,” he says.

“I’d like that,” I smile. I can tell he’s kind of liked me romantically for a while and I wasn’t so sure about it but lately with being around him more and him trying to make me feel better and help me out just shows how sweet he is.

We arrive at the bed and breakfast and he goes behind the counter and grabs a old dirty bronze key with a tag attached but I’m not at the angle to read it clearly. I follow him up a stairwell and he opens the door to room eight.

“Dad?” he asks as he steps inside. He looks around, “Dad are you in here?” I walk in a little watching him.

He looks all around the room and I put a hand on his shoulder softly from behind, “Henry, I don’t think your father is in here,” I say gently.

“Yeah I think you’re right, we should go back down to the diner,” he says and I follow him.

We get down and some of the normal gang are already there regrouping.

As usual Mr. Gold left and went his own way because he never believes in teamwork to get things accomplished. The rest of us stayed and tried to workout a plan.

An hour passes by and Gold is back holding a small, white, dainty, glass bottle. He explains that if we pour it on Hook’s grave than we will be able to see and communicate with Hook. We do just that and apparently he’s in some really crappy shape because Regina and Robin Hood, who’s also her boyfriend block him from me and Henry’s view. It turns out to be a bust which is really unfortunate because I really want to find him and save him.

We go to Mary Margaret’s and David’s apartment to regroup later on. We all split up and me, Henry, and Robin go to Regina’s office to get maps that are a replica of the hell Storybooke. There is a protection spell on it so me and Henry crawl through the air vent.

“It’s so dusty in here,” I cough.

“Don’t worry it isn’t much of a distance just keep following me,” he tells me.

We continue to crawl until we finally bust in. I get up and see a older woman dressed in black and white with her hair half black and white in color. It isn’t a “I’m an old person” type of white but intentional as if she dyed it like that, “Henry who is that?” I whisper.

“Don’t worry,” he tells me avoiding the question.

She starts talking to him about this pen that I’m confused on and goes on about writing the fairytales in the book and bringing her back to life and Henry finally confronts her, “Cruella, why would I do that?”

She explains and when I hear how Emma killed her I blurt out, “Oh shit,” shocked that Emma would do something so awful.

“And who is this here? Your little girlfriend?” she asks walking up to me slowly and I hear her heels slowly click.

“Leave her out of this,” he tells her stepping in front of me but she lingers.

I stare at her kind of afraid as she looks me up and down slowly, “pretty face, but I can tell you don’t have a clue what your doing,” she ridicules.

“And why’s that?” I ask a bit angry stepping in front of Henry .

“Y/n, don’t let her get to you,” Henry tells me being protective but I roll my eyes.

“Why don’t I know what I’m doing?” I ask her ignoring Henry.

“Where do I begin? Your with him, using him as protection, you’ve just been standing here and not trying to talk or intervene with me, and you just... look... weak,” she criticizes telling me I look weak in a slow way

My jaw drops and I clench my fists shocked by her bluntness, “y/n don’t let her get to you,” Henry whispers.

I huff, “Fine,” I unclench my fists.

We exit not finding any maps.

We all meet Mary Margaret and she says Hercules can help us and like half my family go to find and get him to defeat some 3 headed thing that’s guarding where Hook is but leave me and Henry behind which is annoying.

I kinda want to spend the spare time seeing Pan but remember how he was annoying and I need a reason to visit so me and Henry just go back to the apartment being useless.

The following day Gold says he knows how to get Hook back and my mom and him go off to save him. A few hours after they return with Hook and even later his brother arrives and joins us all. We all talk about Hades and try figuring out his story. Everyone but me and Henry go off in search of answers.

“Hey I need to go see someone I’ll be back,” Henry tells me, “It’s about the quill that Cruella was talking about,”

I get up to follow him and he stops me, “Y/n, this is kind of awkward because I know I said you can stay with me, but this is something I have to do alone,”

“So your just gonna leave me alone? It’s not like anyone will let me in on what’s going on with their plan,” I tell him feeling left out.

“I’m sorry,” I can tell he doesn’t want to leave me but he leaves anyway and I watch him get in this black and white hurst from inside.

The car speeds off and I just sit where I am being useless.

I think about how Pan said he could help contemplating going there.

After a lot of talking myself out of it I decide to do it anyway because what else can I do?

I walk on in and look around the shop and the backroom but don’t see him anywhere, “Pan!” I shout.

“Hello y/n,” he appears directly behind my shoulder after I shout that, “What do I owe this visit?” he asks.

I take a deep breath and turn to him and he’s awfully close to me, “You said you could help with Hades, and I want to make a deal for it,” I say.

“I said I could help with Hook, not Hades. Sorry love,”

“But! I was going to make a deal!” I complain.

He smirks, “A deal can be made still, what else can I do for you?”

I think for a second, “Well everyone is trying to figure out what Hades story is or where we could find it. Can you help me there?” I ask.

“I can give you information, but it might be too late,” he tells me.

“Any lead would be helpful right now,” I tell him.

“I will tell you where you could find his story and let’s just say you’ll owe me a favor at some point,” he tells me.

“It depends, is it a bloody favor, that ends with people getting hurt, because I really don’t want to darken my heart anymore,” I tell him.

“Your heart is dark? You seem so innocent so sweet,” he avoids the answer.

“Whatever, avoid the question, I’ll do it,” I gulp and take a deep breath, “It’s a deal,”

He smirks, “I’m glad. There is a mansion that has the popular storybook, you know the one, it is hidden inside it. Find that, you find his story,”

“Can I have details on the mansion? Like where is it?” I ask.

“Ask your brother, he knows,” he tells me.

“Thank you,” I say sincerely.

I head out of the backroom but something in me makes me pause where I am once I walk past the register. It isn’t magic, it’s just me staying still.

“Something tells me you came in here for more than just to be resourceful,” he tells me following me.

“Okay, yes, maybe a part of me did come to see you, but I have my reasons,” I say still not heading towards the exit.

“And what are those reasons?” he asks leaning in some.

I can feel him have a hold on me as I stare in his green eyes but have to remember Henry is good and who I’m starting to like, unlike him who I know nothing about and could be a bad idea if I get involved.

“I’m leaving before I do something I regret,” I walk towards the exit.

“And what is it that you’ll regret?” He asks appearing in front of me standing very close again and I skip a breath staring in his eyes. I turn my head again to ignore him reminding myself it is a bad idea and keep going.

“If you need me again you know where to find me,” I can feel his smugness which has a certain charm to it as I walk out.

I walk back into the apartment where everyone else already is, “Y/n, where have you been?”

“Just a walk, no one needed me so I thought why not?” I lie.

“You could have told us you had nothing to do, we could have had you do research on Hades while we were gone,” Regina tells me a bit annoyed.

“I think I know how to figure out what Hades story is though! Apparently there’s this mansion that has the storybook inside. I figured if we find that we will see what his story is,” I explain.

“The sorcerers mansion,” Henry says.

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hessaime-old-out-of-use · 3 years

Text

Update y coso.

Coso means "thing".

Hi there Tumbrl, I thought you were death but somehow this site remains kind-of alive and with the usual silent and comfy community I'm used to.

tl dr: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE SUPPORT! Always, I'm currently doing a project to get my degree so I'll update/upload things more so around march, hope I see you there ♥

TW/ Abuse, mental health.

I've been trough a rough couple of years (not related to pandemic and world ending tho). I ended my relationship in 2019 and had to cope with the amount of abuse I was actually put trough, if you saw/read my vent posts you can have an idea, the details are too many and too painful.

Last year tho (2020) I put my mind into owning myself after feeling like an empty shell most of my existence, especially all the six years of my rlp where I only existed to comfort my abuser. I lost some weight (I really wanted to, worked hard af for it) and found myself again in many ways, thanks mostly to my support net and the people around me, (that filtered the toxic ones out by itself) that remained quite healthy and wholesome at this point, I ended my career (I need to finish a final project and a couple of details and it's done) and I created many healthy spaces for me. Even as that my brain is still mangled and I have some sort of ptsd, anxiety and most likely ADHD, but I cannot afford diagnosis so I'll leave it at "I'm fucked up" and keep at it as I can.

One of the banes of my existence is the complete failure I seem to be at keeping up with social media and constructing a following, anywhere. It consumes me so much time an energy try to go against the algorithms and being seen in the hope I'll get commissioned (my current, not secure at all way of making some money) and it never works, I'm trying not to equate my value as a person or as an artist with the amount of likes and engagement I generate, and it's hard, but at this point, putting all the effort I could did not help so I might just stop trying. This just means I won't be obsessed over the insanity specifics of every social media page I own and just post whatever when I can, probably I'll post even more if I don't feel pressured.

For now I'm working on this final project of mine to end my career and after that finishing all my commissioned work, then I'll open new spots and commission types on my social media, I need to choose because I like doing way too many things/styles and have too many projects on my head that won't let me exist if I try to keep up with all of them. Probably when I have some sort of sense of what to post and where I'll pin a guide or something, lol.

For the one person that might find this on their feed and decide to read it, thank you so much! The support I get really kept me going and helped a lot, it made me smile when I found it really hard, so thank you thank you thank you ♥

I'll posted something like this other social media (my most abandoned social media). Around march I'll try to have some sort of organization and post/draw more things, so thank you for sticking up with me. Have a nice day today y'all!

(this is probably filled with spanglish typos, I'm sorry)

#mental health #update #art #thanks #ptsd #abuse #changes

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anxious-acushla · 4 years

Text

I’ve been wanting to do this for awhile. Or, rather, I’ve needed to do this for awhile.

And this post will likely get me in trouble but after some thought I decided it was better to be honest and then kind of leave it be than to just fade out and allow everyone to fill in the blanks with a story that is convenient for them.

I’ll start by saying that I’ve always been an outsider in fandom. I’m usually an outsider in life in general so it’s a natural role for me to fall into. I get involved in fandom because I love a piece of media. I obsess over fandom usually because I love a relationship. I actually used to be worse. I used to really lose myself in it all. It was an escape. Then it because almost unhealthy because as with everything else in my life, my passion came from things I found to be unfair. With fandom it was terrible plot lines and the absolute murder of characters I really identified with and rooted for. So I grew up and as I did I pulled back a bit, but I still enjoyed fandom.

When that happened (ie. my fog of rage cleared) I realized that regardless fandom was and still is my way of writing and getting feedback on my writing. So sure, I love the thing you love but I’m here to write. If I make friends along the way, then cool. But that’s not my goal. I’ve never been one to praise a work just because someone who was kind to me (or is even a friend) wrote it. I won’t read your fic just because you read mine. I won’t read fic I don’t like - period. (**It’s also worth noting that I work a lot and don’t have as much time to read fic as I used to.) And I get that sets me apart. I won’t apologize for it but I understand how foreign that may feel for some people. But that’s okay! That’s my entire point! We’re all different! But if I was able to write and able to share my work and able to receive feedback, I was fine because that was my goal.

The fandom I’m currently associated with is different. I’m not calling it out by name - I don’t want this appearing in any tags. This is for my followers and the people I have so much respect and love for. To put it bluntly, my experience has been really negative since the beginning. I noticed early on how prevalent these very cancel culture/write off posts were; how often opinions were posted as fact, demeaning a fellow fan’s differing stance in a very personal way. The beauty of fandom is that we all have our interpretations. We are literally here because we either love or hate the different interpretations writers presented us. Fandom is and has always been based on a fans passion for a story and if we start quelling different interpretations as if free speech isn’t a thing, in my opinion you’re completely ruining what fandom is about. Fanfiction cannot thrive or even exist without freedom of expression. So when I see passive aggressive posts about a fellow fan’s opinion, that’s what feels foreign to me. When those posts are based on something *I* said and stand by and continue many months after my opinion was voiced via my writing, it’s honestly just sad — disheartening and almost disconcerting but sad. And I’ve dealt with this for what feels like forever. I’ve dealt with it not in the way fandom is supposed to, with productive discourse, but with nasty anons and call out posts in the tags not dismissing the opinion but the person who has it. There are asks I’ve received that I’ve never posted because they were downright cruel. There are asks I’ve posted that I know a lot of people agree with but won’t reblog or even heart because they’re afraid of rocking the boat. I’ve literally been blocked more times than I can count, not by people I’ve ever interacted with but for no apparent reason other than that I most likely had an opinion that differed from theirs. I’ve also been blocked (I can only assume) because I stopped reading fic I no longer enjoyed. Again, I’m not here to be liked. That’d be cool and I care about it more than I’d care to admit, but I don’t expect it. I’m here to write. But I deserve respect just like everyone else and I don’t believe such a simple courtesy can be overlooked. That’s not something I want any part of.

Needless to say, it’s always been so odd to me when people talk about how much they love this fandom and how welcoming and accepting everyone is. I have felt and experienced nothing but the opposite since Day 1. And fandom should be what you make it but it has literally gotten to the point where all of the negativity outweighs the positives. The negativity I experience is not only unfair but blatantly toxic and I have bitten my tongue for so. damn. long. Bottom line: I don’t feel welcomed. I don’t feel like part of the community and I’m sick of acting like I’m not bothered by it. Popularity contests have never been my thing but when my choice to ignore it comes at a detriment of my main goal (writing and getting feedback on my writing) I wonder why I’m here.

I have a lot going on in my personal life. A lot. Especially lately. And fandom is no longer the escape I need it to be. This is not fun for me anymore. Realizing, accepting and admitting that is not easy for me. I’m honestly heartbroken. Fandom has been such a huge part of who I am since I was 11. ELEVEN.

I’m going to finish CFDD because I love this story and I love this version of these characters and I’ve worked too hard not to share the ending with everyone. There are some of you that have been so overwhelmingly supportive that I don’t feel right not giving you that ending. I owe it to the characters and I owe it to those of you who have invested time and emotional energy into a world that means so much to me. My readers and those who have given feedback mean the world to me. I mean that. It is everything to me. So I will give you the ending and then I think I’m going to go politely bow out. I had a story planned for when CFDD was over. I was so stoked for it and the storyline is one that is very personal and I’m so passionate about sharing. I just have no motivation. Again, this is not fun for me anymore. I want to cry writing that. I am gutted. I am lost. But this is what makes sense right now.

I’m keeping my tumblr. I’ve had this blog since I was 15. That’s 12+ years. It is mine and I’ve finally started curating it back to where it’s a productive place for me to share what’s important to me. Unfortunately that means unfollowing some people. So if I unfollowed you, it’s probably not personal. It likely has very little to do with you and everything to do with the users you reblog and the posts you promote. And that’s okay! You’re curating your blog to what you want, just like I am. I tried filtering and I tried blocking and blacklist. It wasn’t enough. Please still reach out if you need to vent or want to check in or just bullshit about politics or mental health or whatever else. Me not liking your blog likely has nothing to do with me liking you. Just like I’m hoping me doing this isn’t going to result in everyone writing me off.

Ya’ll, I was so fucking excited to post my next story. I love this couple. I loved Exhale and I love CFDD. I adore the fuck out of some of you. But I can’t do this anymore. This isn’t fun anymore but I hope it’s fun again someday.

✌🏻💜

#personal #in which my blog is a blog #quote: one of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say

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dearlazerbunny · 5 years

Text

Lie to Me (Ch. 20 of 28)

Pairings: Loki x Reader

Genre/Ratings: M eventually (aiming for a slow burn here); warnings for kidnapping and subsequent anxiety/PTSD (will be marked before every chapter)

Words: 1700

Summary: If you had to guess what the captured, traitor, trickster god Loki Laufeyson wanted or needed at this moment, a babysitter would be far, far down on the list. (Set after the events of Avengers 1.)

SHOUTOUT TO @molmcb and @jessiejunebug, who have achieved golden thrones in whatever afterlife they deem worth enough to house their awesomeness for all eternity

Requested Tags: @deraniel, @iamverity, @yasnooshka24, @wegingerangelica, @themusingsofmany, @dark-night-sky-99, @tarynkauai, @stuffandstuff-stuff, @angelicshinigami, @my-current-fandom-is, @geekysimmerthings, @lokis-butter-knife

WARNING: mentions of extreme anxiety

There’s a very annoying beeping somewhere to your left, and it simply will not shut up.

At first you think it’s your alarm, and you move to shut it off, but then you find moving to be very, very difficult. Excruciatingly so. Everything is burning and also sore at the same time, and something is making it hard to breathe…

You open your eyes. Everything is white for a moment, blinding you, but it eventually recedes into something more tolerable. Only just, though, your eyes hurt along with the rest of you. You’re tucked into a bed, a sheet pulled over your chest, with various machines tapped into the crook of your arms. They itch, but you can’t scratch them. There’s also a murmuring to your right, and when you look over you have a hard time processing what you’re seeing.

Loki, in a plain metal chair, handcuffed in those same weird manacles he’s always restrained by. There’s a gash on his cheekbone that’s faded to almost nothing. His hair is a mess like you’ve never seen it, his clothes- his armor, not the prison uniform- are disheveled and… bloody? It’s hard to tell with the black leather. His eyes are closed and he’s murmuring things in a language you can’t understand, but it seems awfully familiar… “Are you… praying?” You try to say, but the words get muffled by something.

Loki’s eyes snap open, though. You’ve made enough noise to get his attention. For a moment, he stares at you like you’re the answer to every question Aristotle ever asked- wait, wrong culture- and you look back at him for help, confused, hoping your eyes will talk for you since you can’t seem to speak.

Loki bangs on the window behind him with a heavy fist, and you wince at the noise. He looks at you apologetically. A second later, Thor comes rushing in, disheveled in a similar manner. What the heck happened…? “Is the lady awake?” He asks frantically, and you try to say yes of course you’re awake, why were you asleep in the first place-? But again, everything gets garbled.

Thor reaches for something- your face- and panic washes through you so strongly you startle hard enough to jerk the bed. Tears flood your eyes- what are you doing? This is Thor, he’s not going to hurt you. But your body doesn’t seem to get the memo, trembling like it has a mind of its own.

The god hesitates, something sad in his eyes, then starts in a little slower. “I am sorry, my lady. I do not mean to frighten you. I only want to help…” gently, he tugs a plastic mask off of your mouth and nose. You hold absolutely still, only releasing your breath when he’s backed up a few feet.

“Thor?” You croak. Your voice sounds horrific. “What-”

“Shh. You are safe.” Safe from what? “How much do you remember?”

Loki’s gaze on you is fierce and draws your eye to him. “I…” flashes race through your head. Pain. Screaming. Loki, standing over you, fury in his eyes, magic crackling around his unbound hands- your eyes widen. “Oh my god- oh my-” The beeping to your left gets faster as your heart rate ratchets up a thousand paces. They took you. They- they tortured you, oh god, it hurt so bad- something closes around your wrist, cool and solid, and this time you don’t flinch. Because you know that hand. It had held your own until you slipped in and out of unconsciousness, flirting with death.

“Witling,” Loki says softly. “Focus on me.” You do so, blinking away tears. “Breathe. You’re going to be alright, darling. You are safe,” he says firmly, and you nod, because if you’re going to believe anyone right now it’s him.

There are a lot of doctors and nurses who filter in wanting to look at you, wanting to give you this and that, pills or syringes full of mysterious clear liquid that immediately makes you suspicious. But Thor is standing in the corner, arms crossed, watching everything. He won’t let you get hurt. So whenever they push another syringe into the tubing connected to your arm, you simply look at Loki rather than whatever they’re doing to you. He never lets go of your wrist, though he does eventually take your hand when a particularly sharp pain flares through you, making you grab for him. The words don’t stop either- some are in English, some Norwegian, some Asgardian (you assume), but all have the same connotation: I’m here, you’re safe, I’ve got you, we’ve got you. Everything is going to be okay.

The doctors talk about very scary things with passive and emotionless voices. You suppose that’s their job, but you can’t help but tighten your grip on Loki’s fingers when they casually explain your concussion, your broken ribs, a shattered ankle… the list goes on. Eventually, you close your eyes and tune them out, choosing instead to listen to the comfort spilling from the man at your side.

“Loki,” Thor says softly. “You need to change clothes, brother. And attend to- your other business.”

“I’m not going to-”

“Brother.” Thor’s voice is a warning. “I will stay with her. She is safe with me.”

He looks at you reluctantly, considering. “I will be right back,” he says, and you nod as he leaves with one last careful squeeze of your fingers.

Once the door closes, you waste no time. “Thor, what happened? I don’t remember everything, and he- he’s not going to tell me, I don’t think.”

Thor doesn’t argue with you. “I think he does not want to scare you any further,” he says. Then he tells the tale. How they watched you get taken, and when Loki found out he demanded he be let out to go to you. You had been missing for three days at that point. A lot of damage done. He glosses over the battle part, which is fine with you, skipping to where Loki found you huddled in the closet, and then-

“I shot you?” You shriek, a little hysterical, when Loki comes back into the room.

He immediately gives his brother a hard look before resuming his place at your side. “It is not that bad, Witling. Asgardians heal very quickly.” From underneath his tunic you can see clean bandages wrapping his shoulder.

“I- I still-”

“You were out of your mind with pain and fear,” he corrects. “You were only doing what the situation demanded.”

“I’m sorry,” you whisper.

“I would rather have you alive and a few new scars than the alternative.”

And that was the end of that.

The next hurdle was preventing you from ripping out your own IVs when they wanted to give you something for pain. “Please don’t,” you beg, knowing the medicine will only make you sleep, and that makes you defenseless, and that means you’re in danger. The fact that you have two gods in the room hell-bent on protecting you isn’t even a thought in your mind. Not even Loki’s gentle coaxing can get you to calm down this time.

“I have an idea,” Thor says, and returns with Mjolnir around one wrist. Loki is immediately on edge, but Thor holds out his hand. “Peace, brother. Wait and see. May I?” He offers you Mjolnir, and you’re confused, but then he goes to the other side of your bed and gently unfolds the hand not clinging to his brother. Mjolnir goes head-down into your open palm. It’s surprisingly not heavy at all- just a slight pressure. “Now, you are not going anywhere.” You actually grin when you realize his plan. You know only someone worthy can lift the hammer- so even if someone wanted to snatch you from your bed, they wouldn’t be able to pull you out from under Mjolnir.

“Thank you,” you giggle, still wondering at the fact that you’re basically holding an ancient, all-powerful hammer that you’ve studied all your life in the palm of your hand. You almost ask someone to take a picture. Trickster visibly relaxes at your laughter, and Thor claps him on the shoulder. “I will leave her in your care,” he says, and then the two of you are alone.

You’re still anxious waiting for the drug to get into your system, so you ask what you’ve been dying to know: “how the hell did you get SHIELD to let you loose?”

“There may have been a few threatening tirades involved,” he admits. “And Thor lobbied on my behalf. Once you were safe I agreed to any conditions they required to let me stay here.” He raises his hands a little to gesture to the handcuffs. “Mysteriously, they could not seem to find the silencing mask,” he says, looking at you carefully.

“How strange,” you offer, but then you grin. You’d hidden it in an air vent so they couldn’t use it again.

“I am afraid I may have rubbed off on you, Witling.”

“I don’t think that’s the worst thing to happen to me, considering,” you say wryly.

“I am so very sorry, darling. None of this would have happened if not for me. And then I did not get to you sooner…” the guilt in his voice is horrible. You wouldn’t even need to know him well to see that he’s persecuting himself for what happened.

You shake your head slowly, so you don’t make anything hurt. “It’s not your fault, Loki. The fact that you even came for me at all is incredible.”

“Of course I came for you. Did you think that I would not?”

“I mean, I’d hoped Thor would. But you were in a cell, I wasn’t going to expect the impossible from you. And I doubt anyone else really would have cared.”

“Hush. You would be severely missed.”

By now your head is drooping from the medicine coursing through your system. “You would have missed me?” You ask sleepily, and tuck your head down into your pillow so you can fall asleep.

You don’t quite catch the words he says in response, too intent on letting unconsciousness pull you into its grip.

A/N: whoever can write the best line for Loki at the end (where Reader doesn’t hear what he says) gets the next chapter gets a prize! A ficlet, a request, next chapter preview, whatever!

Comment down below! I wanna see what y’all come up with :D

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malakhai-ozera · 4 years

Text

Old Text II Khai & Landon

Discord thread featuring: Khai & @davieslandon

Mentions: @romanbeckett. @ella-isms. @theharrykingston @aaronhart93

Where: Khai at his house and Landon at his.

When: Before Khai, Roman, and Jaycee’s break up.

Description: Landon and Khai discuss their make out session and talk about their feelings.

Trigger Warnings: abuse, car accident, murder, molestation

Landon

Hey this is awkward but basically i just wanted to say that I hope I didn't ruin anything

Malakhai

Don’t worry, you didn’t.

Landon

Ok good So you’ll go to Ro’s opening night right?

Malakhai

Of course You’ll be there right?

Landon

I’m glad Yeah I was planning on going

Malakhai

Good

Landon

Just wanted to check everyone was ok with that

Malakhai

Why wouldn’t we be?

Landon

Wasn’t sure After everything

Malakhai

Landon, of course we want you there

Landon

Thanks For being understanding

Malakhai

Always I hope we can still be friends

Landon

Of course we can I’m just sorry it had to happen like this

Malakhai

I’m not I regret hurting Roman. But I don’t regret what happened

Landon

You don’t?

Malakhai

Not at all

Landon

I thought you only did it to get to him

Malakhai

No, I wouldn’t do that to you I mean, sure the whole Aaron situation has me all messed up and confused. But, I like you.

Landon

I’m not sure what happened with Aaron but yeah I can confirm he’s not your biggest fan hah Didn’t think you’d do that to me but I was hearing so many things

Malakhai

Nothing happened. I guess I just got a little jealous I’m sorry, Landon.

Landon

I think we all got jealous at some point, it’s perfectly understandable Don’t be, I knew what I was doing and did it anyways

Malakhai

Can I ask why?

Landon

I like you...you’re good looking and you made me feel something I hadn’t felt in a really long time

Malakhai

I like you too. I’ve wanted to kiss you ever since that first day we met Can we maybe see each other before the opening?

Landon

Really? Yeah, I think that’s a good idea

Malakhai

Oh yeah, very much! Good, I do too.

Landon

You can come over if you want? I font think we should be seen together for now It will give the wrong impression

Malakhai

I’d like that, and I agree. But to be honest. I’m not sure I could keep my hands off you.

Landon

Tell me about it, I’m not sure I know how to do that But it’s a bad idea

Malakhai

Yeah it is But that doesn’t make me not want you

Landon

Roman would kill us. And he would be right.

Malakhai

Would he? You don’t belong to him anymore I’m not sure I do either

Landon

No but I got so pissed when Aaron did what he did with him because he’s my ex so he should be off limits to my friends So I can’t imagine if I did the same with his boyfriend Wait What??

Malakhai

I understand I just think, I need more. Or maybe less Idk

Landon

That’s not confusing at all

Malakhai

Haha right

Landon

If it counts for anything, Ro really does love you He’s told me many times

Malakhai

Yeah, I love him too Maybe that’s just not enough

Landon

What more could there be?

Malakhai

Commitment, Satisfaction, Fulfillment. I just want him to be happy and I feel like I’m holding him back

Landon

And you’re not getting that?

Malakhai

I am, I think maybe he isn’t

Landon

I don’t know...i think he’s happy and I think he’ll be less happy without you around

Malakhai

The thing is Landon I’m actually a pretty strong believer in monogamy Open relationships never work

Landon

I’m actually surprised I don’t disagree, but I’m confused as to how you ended up in an open relationship Don’t think I could ever do that

Malakhai

Love lol

It makes you do crAzy things I just wanted to be with him Any way I could

Landon

I get that I get that a lot actually But it’s never really the answer is it?

Malakhai

No, I guess it isn’t

Landon

I’m sorry, I think I managed to do the opposite of what I was aiming for

Malakhai

You didn’t do this babe I guess I’m just not that good at staying a little detached as I thought I was

Landon

Thanks but I don’t think we’d be here right now if I did what every ex should do and stayed away from him I guess not

Malakhai

Maybe not But it is what it is I get why you couldn’t stay away

Landon

We’re not the first people who couldn’t And we probably won’t be the last

Malakhai

Anyway... I just want to be the one someone wants for once If you know what I mean?

Landon

Yeah, I do The feeling like you’re the only one that matters

Malakhai

Yeah I’ve never had that

Landon

I thought I did once But I fucked it up so

Malakhai

How did you fuck it up?

Landon

I actually did it twice. First time I broke up with someone who really cared for me to be with someone I thought loved me more. The second time was after something happened to me...let’s just say they wanted to work on our relationship but I took the easy way out

Malakhai

I’m sorry What happened to you? You don’t have to tell me. But of course I’m curious

Landon

Oh, it’s fine I don’t mind talking about it I was driving and a van ran a red light and crashed into me. Was in the hospital for quite a while and when I woke up...I didn’t really remember everything.

Malakhai

Oh wow That’s... I couldn’t even imagine I’m glad you’re okay now

Landon

It wasn’t a nice time but it’s better now Slowly getting over it

Malakhai

Yeah, it’s not easy I know. I’m slowly getting over my ex as well.

Landon

Yeah? What happened? If you don’t mind talking about it

Malakhai

It was just a whole lot of crazy. I met her while dancing at the strip club. She was a pretty frequent client. Needless to say, we hooked up but kept our relationship open. She basically wanted me to herself while she did as she pleased. I thought maybe if I proposed she’d want me the way I wanted her. But I was wrong. She was already engaged to someone else behind my back. It kinda really fucked me up to be honest

Landon

Oh shit I can’t even imagine what that must have felt like I’m so sorry

Malakhai

It hurt, a lot. But I’m trying. I just figure, maybe I’m not worth that kinda love. Ya know? Even my dad told me so when I was younger. I just didn’t listen. So here I am again. Similar situation.

Landon

I think it’s more that we accept the love we think we deserve When in reality you’re worth so much more than that And your dad didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about

Malakhai

You’re probably right

Landon

Don’t mention it I just wish it was easier for you

Malakhai

Me too I’m just learning to accept it tho

Landon

I think maybe it’s all about making decisions And actually sticking to them

Malakhai

I wish it were that easy

Landon

Haha, I know right? I wish everything could be simple and straightforward

Malakhai

You and me both

But to be fair... I decided a long time ago I was gonna kill my step dad. But if I stuck to that, I’d be in prison right now lol

Landon

I’m glad you didn’t do that Not for him but you don’t deserve to go to jail

Malakhai

I feel like I was in jail my whole life It wouldn’t matter Especially after what he did to my sister and my mum. But that’s just... That’s my fault too

Landon

I’m so sorry you feel this way I don’t know what happened with your mum and sister But I’m sure you’re blaming yourself for more than you actually did

Malakhai

They died. Took their own lives. It was my fault Now my little half sister is going through the same shit and I just left her Just like I left my mum and sister Anyway.... it doesn’t matter I’m sorry You didn’t ask for this heaviness

Landon

It’s fine, we all need someone to vent to and I’m glad you feel you can trust me But it’s not your fault Whatever happened...it was their decision you couldn’t have done anything about it

Malakhai

I just feel like, maybe if I stayed it would have been different. Sure, I was getting beat and whatever and my mum didn’t believe me. But I could have been there for my sister.

Shit... look at me lol. I’m sorry I’m done.

Landon

You were being hurt and to top it off you weren’t supported, you did what you had to do to survive and no one can blame you for that No need to be sorry, it’s ok

Malakhai

I blame me. But, thank you for hearing me out. Really! We can talk about something else now

Landon

You’re welcome, I’m just a text away whenever you need me

Malakhai

I appreciate that I promise I don’t usually break down like this tho. I shouldn’t have

Landon

There’s nothing wrong with it Do you have any idea how many time I do that? Usually I’m drunk though which makes it even worse No filter whatsoever

Malakhai

Well, you are always welcome to hit me with no filter anytime Drunk or not

Landon

Haha you definitely don’t want to see that It’s a mess

Malakhai

It’s okay if you’re a mess. We can be a mess together. Besides, you’re a pretty good kisser when you’re drunk

Landon

That we can definitely be. So are you But I can’t kiss you through the phone if I’m texting you drunk

Malakhai

Haha no I guess not But I could always come over

Landon

Hmm you’re right you can do that

Malakhai

Then I could just hold you until the world stops spinning

Landon

And once it stops spinning?

Malakhai

I’ll kiss you again and we’ll melt into oblivion

Landon

That sounds good

Malakhai

It sounds good to me too.

Landon

I might just end up getting drunk on purpose if you keep talking like that

Malakhai

You don’t need to get drunk to convince me to cone over and make that happen

Landon

When I’m drunk I don’t feel as guilty though

Malakhai

Okay

Landon

Shit sorry I’m sorry Don’t feel bad please

Malakhai

It’s okay lol You’re just being honest

Landon

And an asshole I just don’t know what to do

Malakhai

You’re not an asshole I’m the asshole.

I’m the one with your ex.

Maybe I need to change that

Landon

We didn’t even know each other when you got together I’m the one who should really know his place.

And no. You’re not making decisions like that right now

Malakhai

Okay

Landon

Take some time to think about it You might think differently in the heat of the moment

#text.#chats:landon #chats:discord #;;old text messages between khai and landon #//this is long and contains lots of feels #//posting so people can know what went down between them #ft.roman #ft.ella #ft.harry #ft.aaron

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