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tteokdoroki · 8 months

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ೀ⋆OCT 3RD MEAN GIRLS ━━ katsuki bakugou + free use !

୨୧ — caution, you are now watching. katsuki bakugou + free use. on october third, he asked you what day it was. btw, in girl world, halloween is the only time of the year when katsuki bakugou can slut girls out and no one can say anything about it. boo, you whore! (4.9K)

୨୧ — rated r. minors, blank and ageless blogs do not interact ! nsfw, heavy smut, characters aged up to 20s, college!au, free use, dub-con, cum-play, voyeurism, humiliation, manipulation, dacryphilia, no prep, public sex(ish), unprotected sex, suprise guest appearance from shouto as aaron samuels, fem!reader, reigina george coded!bakugou.

୨୧ — director’s note. "it's october third." and you know what that means! another nasty kinktober fic for you all! i hope you enjoy this one, its probably my favourite...because uh hello!? reigina george and bakugou? name a more iconic duo! anyways enjoy mwah! - m.list ⋆ kinktober m.list ⋆ taglist ✧

halloween is the only time of the year where anyone can dress like a slut and not get called one for it.

in the world of the conventionally attractive (or the plastics), the kings and queens of the social jungle, it means ditching the guts and gore in favour of skin tight lingerie with a little fake blood that drips calculatedly through the valley between your breasts — just for a little bit of added attention. it’s the one night of the year where self-objectification becomes acceptable, and you by all means, were not planning on missing out.

for you, a well spent Halloween consisted of tooth rotting candy corn, bad movies and trying to avoid the feeling of fomo (fear of missing out, fyi) building up like fluid in the lungs of a sick person. you’ve been an a-grade loser all your life and you’ve never had the chance to experience a proper friend group, high school, (and now) college experience.

however this year would be different. this year you would be ditching loser-ville for boobs and bunny ears and the shortest dress you could find. because you finally had a friendship group who did these kinds of things and you had an invite to the biggest festive rager hosted by the hottest guy on campus — shouto todoroki.

the rest of your friend group, the college renowned plastics, had warned you not to get involved with the half and half campus jock. he already had relations to your beloved ring leader, katsuki bakugou, and your involvement would be breaking several laws of girl and guy code — according to dumb blonde kaminari (he swears he has ESPN or something). katsuki was the head of U.A. university, ruling over the entire student body with an iron fist, an attitude so mean you’re sure you’ve seen professors cry and a glare so sinister he could turn milk sour if he tried hard enough.

bakugou was the definition of the picture perfect guy and he knew it. it was almost as if his face had been ripped straight from a vogue magazine, his shoulders broad, waist slutty and tiny, abs to die for too — you’d be a liar to say you hadn’t thought about him a few times before bed. katsuki was a king bee (if bees could even have kings) and you were a nobody lucky enough to have been indoctrinated into his group of flawless friends — taken under the guidance of his wing.

your own friends had told you not to fall for the glitz and the glamour that seemed to follow the barbie blonde everywhere he went. but you couldn’t help it, you were enamoured by everything that katsuki did — turned a blind eye to his bitchy persona and twisted mindset. you hardly believed the rumours about him, blissfully ignoring the truth behind the gossip because katsuki was nice to you. just the other night he had been kind enough to offer his help in setting you up with shouto. even if kirishima had tattle told on you.

regardless, katsuki had your back — you knew that. he was even talking to shouto right now, admist the full swing of the halloween party. how could anyone ever hate bakugou? he was so kind, so considerate, treating you like family from the moment you got here. you see shouto look your way fondly as they chatter about you, his lips curling perfectly around your name while he sends you a wave that makes you feel like the only girl in the world.

“she likes you, yanno.” the shorter blonde purrs, the corner of his perfectly plump lips twitching up into a knowing grin. he says your name, glowering at the way his ex perks up at the mention.

shouto blinks slow, mismatched eyes filling with affection the longer he looks at you awkwardly swaying to music you’ve never heard before. “yeah? she does?”

“it’s adorable, really. she writes your fuckin’ name in the corner of her notes with little hearts. even has the name of your future brats written in a cute little list.” the lie slips from bakugou easily, as if manipulating people is second nature to him.

“don’t bother with that, katsuki.”

when todoroki’s gaze on you lingers for too long, he kicks it up a notch pressing the head of his body into his ex’s side. “listen, half ‘n half,” with his eyes dark and sensual, the blonde allows his voice to slip into deeper, more mocking tones — playing up this innocent act. one that shouto falls for every time. “i know that she can be a little fuckin’ weird but, she’s my friend…so be nice, yeah?”

men are such fickle creatures — for all it takes is a pair of sweltering, red puppy dog eyes to drag the jock under his spell. shouto nods slowly, his own topaz and granite eyes glossing over with some form of obedience, a loyalty to bakugou that no one else would understand. “yeah, alright.”

“good,” bakugou purrs, the sound causing his brain to short circuit. “such’a good friend, half ‘n half.” the tail end of his words are replaced by the sloppy sound effect of his lips on shouto’s, tongues beginning to clash and hands possessively gripping waists.

your rose-tinted window shatters at the sight.

background conversation falls away as your friend and your crush begin to make out right in front of your fucking eyes. “you know who’s looking fine tonight, neito monoma.” kaminari squeals, shimmying in his little mouse costume.

“denki, that’s your cousin.” kirishima frowns.

the blonde shrugs. “yeah! but he’s my first cousin…that’s not right is it,”

you don’t have time to dwell on their chit chat — you feel like someone has thrown your entire body out of whack. you feel like you’re drowning as the realisation hits, katsuki bakugou doesn’t give a shit about you or your feelings. storming away from the scene, you make for the nearest bedroom, hurt and confusion swirling around in the tightness of your chest.

“what are you doin’ in here sweetness? ‘minari and kirishima have been looking everywhere for ya.”

you’re still crying like a sore loser when the king of the plastics finds you hauled up in one of shouto’s many rooms. and you hate that it’s katsuki who’s come to comfort you, sitting beside you on the queen sized bed as his hand slips over your bare thigh.

but you shrug him off, barely keeping your cool. after all, you’re still mad at him for making out with your crush. “don’t touch me, katsuki.” you snarl, doing your best to sound menacing. “i saw what you did. how could you? i thought we were friends?”

he clicks his tongue, ruby red eyes rolling as if he gives a fuck. “oh, you mean that thing with icyhot?” you don’t understand how the blonde can be so nonchalant, tossing around the situation as if it weighs nothing — costing not an ounce of your feelings. “he came onto me, sweetness. i’d never do somethin’ like that to you.”

denying katsuki bakugou is never an easy feat, he’s a man that knows where his strengths lie. in the deep timber of his rumbling voice and those eyes, with the blood lust curled around each of his pupils. katsuki is a well trained hunter, and on this occasion, you are his prey. a large hand smooths over the meaty swell of your trembling thigh, pushing the likely pair wide open for him to make room between them. “i’m a good friend, r’member?”

his hands roam your blistering hot body, gripping and grabbing at your flesh from over your costume — it feels good, you feel wanted and melt like a lump of butter in a pan at every cascading touch of his.

you’d be smart to come to your senses, before you’re snapped up in the unrelenting jaws of a hunter. but you’re entranced by those insanely red eyes, the perfect slant to his lips and all-knowing smile — it’d be useless to escape when you’ve fallen this deep. “you’re not…” your bottom lip wobbles, the achy feeling in your chest now submissive to the liquid lust katsuki has spent months conditioning you to feel. “you’re a bad friend.”

“d’aw…you don’t think i am?” dropping his tone into a sultry coo, bakugou leans in real close and you instinctively follow the tilt of his head. he looms over you, just enough so that you can see the smear of pink eyeshadow across his eyelids, the plasticky glisten of lip gloss masking the true colour of his plump lips, along with the spark of lust swirling through the brown flecks in his eyes.

you shake your head no. “no, you’re not.” big mistake.

the of temperature of the room rises just from his proximity and you find yourself willing to let the king of the plastics swallow you whole. “i don’t think i like the way yer talkin’ to me, sweets.” he growls darkly and in warning. “i should make you apologise for bein’ so fuckin’ mean.”

his breath is warm and wet against your cheek, grip rough on your waist and you can’t help but think how mean he is to you. katsuki gaslights you like it’s second nature or another one of his five senses, manipulates you with ease, putting himself on you when you know you can’t say no. because without him you would have been in social suicide, you wouldn’t have any friends, you wouldn’t have had the college experience. you would have just been ordinary.

“gimme a kiss, gorgeous.” the blonde bites down on your lower tip, tugging it away from you because he misses the metallic taste of golden blood on you — the taste of blossoming obedience in your bloodstream.

you push back, but it’s no use — bakugou’s closing the gap before your brain can even catch up, fizzing like candied pop rocks while you sink further into debauchery.

“c’mon…” he forces his tongue past the seams of your lips, bursting through with only the darkest of intentions. you briefly seize up, because your body knows this isn’t what you want, at least not 100%. but katsuki knows how to work stubborn, prude little things like you — squeezing down on your waist heartily as he leads you into a stupid-drunk kiss. “that’s it, there we go…good fuckin’ girl.”

the world tilts on its axis and you grow lightheaded at the blonde’s praise — you should be mad at him for kissing your crush but at the same time, you’ve never wanted someone so bad. mewling against his watermelon and alcohol flavoured lips is like sealing your fate, giving up little pieces of yourself just to appease your ring leader.

“katsuki, i don’t—“

his thumb digs into your cheeks, preventing you from pulling away — not that you’d want to. wet sounds from your kisses vibrate through you and cause a twinge in the heartbeat between your thighs. “i wasn’t askin’, i was tellin’.” he grunts into your drooling mouth, wide open to echo your sweet and pliant voice. it’s with those words that you remember your place, being a plastic requires sacrifices — for you to give up pieces of yourself in order to stay by katsuki’s side.

including letting him use your mind, body and soul freely.

“so fuckin’ pretty when you’re obedient for me,” he’s snarls, hot under the collar and eager to steal more from you. he grins at how your eyes roll back just from a couple of half-hearted words. leaning back, katsuki shrugs off his shirt, revealing his perfectly carved hips and washboard abs, golden skin that only the gods could have blessed him with. the sight of him is enough to make your quivering cunt deep juices into the crotch of your panties. “let’s get back at sho, huh? for playin’ us both.”

the lines of morality and dissoluteness are often blurred when you’re with him — you become a vessel for his pleasure and you don’t even think to mind. somewhere amidst the messy, sensual lip locks bated breaths, katsuki has managed to get you onto your back and tear through your skimpy little halloween costume to suck his claim into your neck. painting you with deep mauve and midnight blue hues. his eyes dilate, roaring obsidian black taking over his mean, rage filled red eyes in a way that lets you know how bad he wants to fuck you.

it’s when the sharp edges of his canines graze your pulse point that you remember just how much of a wild jungle college is. you remember that katsuki has the ability to make your life a living hell, the power to take a bite and rip your throat out at any second. in this world, you are nothing but a meek gazelle and katsuki bakugou the lion ready for a feast.

irrespective of how much the very fact may frighten you, you ignore bakugou’s talons as they sink into your chest and leave indented crescent moons on against each breast. he rips apart the costume you worked so hard on and pushes your hands away from your body when you attempt to cover yourself up. so, from that moment, you let lust slither over your brain so you can arch yourself into him for more pleasure, and remind yourself that even if you're being used — it feels good. katsuki feels good.

you like that he’s a little mean, a mean girl. all teeth and tongue and biting when he licks into you and breaks the strings of honey saliva that tie your tongue to the roof of your mouth. you love how he roughly grabs you by the meat at your hips and tugs you up to meet the grind of his cock against your underwear. you adore how he pulls the very fabric apart like they’re nothing, rolling you onto your stomach and positioning your hips in a way that makes your back arch.

you don’t even realised that bakugou has kicked off the lower part of his costume until you feel the heat of his firm thighs against the backs of your own and the sticky tap of his flushed cockhead on your ass cheeks — smearing white globs of precum over your hot skin. the blonde groans at the visible twitch of your cunt, the way it glistens and spews lightly for him.

“oh sweetheart,” he laughs through the coagulated feeling of prurience in his throat. “so fuckin’ wet for me, hah?” he manages, spreading your ass cheeks apart hungrily, a curious finger running through your slick folds and dragging your wetness over your pulsating clit. “s’kinda embarrassing. barely even touched you.”

the situation is embarrassing, humiliating almost and a fresh set of tears burn at your waterline — mascaras already tracking down your cheeks. you don’t fight bakugou as a muscled arm snakes it’s way around your waist and pulls you onto him until your sex is flush against bakugou’s thick cock — your hearts beating in sync, heavy breathing in tune. his dripping dick slips and slides a through your quivering pussy lips, grinding against the pulse in your clit before easing the mushroomed tip through the tight ring at your entrance.

“f-fuck!” you squeak, a little out of turn. fuckdolls don’t talk. katsuki is quick to growl and remind you, collapsing his entire weight into your body while you take him with ease. no prep required whatsoever. there’s a delicious burn as his girth stretches you wide open and he fucks you with just the tip — a pleasing buzz layering itself over your logical thoughts. the ones that tell you this isn’t right. the ones that tell you that you’re more than just a plastic play thing.

bakugou squeezes your hips harshly when you push back onto him, desperate to be fed more of his cock. “keep fuckin’ still, alright?” the king of the plastics rasps, taunting you as he thrusts all the way into your tight heat with no warning. you ooze at the sudden stimulation, basking in the weight of his dick against the insides of your crying cunt and fluttering walls. “sho’s gonna love this, maybe he’ll really want you then.” he continues to purr, jamming a thumb past your swollen lips to press down on your tongue. his other hand grasps at his phone once lost in the sheets, talking a picture of your teary face while you suck on his digit to soothe yourself.

like a baby sucking on a pacifier as it cries.

sending the photo to shouto, bakugou takes a few more selfies of you like this. his favourite is the one of your face squished between his large fingers, covered in salty tears and sticky drool. “don’t cry sweets. ‘m gonna fix this, help you get together. what are friends for?”

his voice is soft, nose nudging against your cheek in a reassuring manner.

but it’s all too good to be true.

briefly, there’s a second where everything is calm, where the blonde lets you relax around him between gentle juts of his hips forward and affectionate kisses peppered against your skin. you should have realised that katsuki’s pleasure is always above your own. because he suddenly finds the motivation to pull out of your snug, sensual heat to pound into you properly, dragging is seedy cock along all of the spots along your ribbed walls that make you see stars.

you feel like a pocket pussy, only one that comes with crybaby wails and pitiful hiccuped noises. it’s all music to katsuki’s ears, blending seamlessly with the intense base from the party’s music and thump of the headboard smashing against the wall all from the sheer force of his thrusts into you. it’s easy to forget how humiliatingly loud you’re being, you can’t find yourself to be worried about someone catching you either. even if the door is wide open.

why not? because katsuki claims you willingly, over and over again with each brutish brush of his leaky cockhead against your g-spot. “s-suki! please.” you slur around his fingers that fuck your drooling mouth in perfect rhythm with his dick that plunged in and out of your puckered, creamy hole.

“yeah, yeah. i gotcha. give into me, sweetness.”

where he had been keeping you pinned against the sex-soaked cheeks — bakugou pulls his sweaty chest away from your back and adjusts the roll of his hips, letting them crash into you like waves on a shoreline. to support his body weight above you, his toned arms cage you in, head tilted to the side to watch you sniffle on his dick, red rimming your watery eyeline. “you’re so fuckin’ pretty when you cry, sweetheart.” he moans condescendingly against the shell of your ear, painting a chaste kiss against your wet cheek. “what a pretty fuckin’ girl, suckin’ me in… takin’ my cock. oh fuck.”

if you could see him, will yourself from the pillows you take purchase in and use to muffle your salacious screams — you would notice how an evil smirk as spread across the blonde’s lips while he ravages you, fucks you beyond the stars and back. “you my pretty girl, yeah? fuckin’ sweet thing.” the praise has you spiralling and simultaneously soothes the burning hatred you have for katsuki in your chest. “why you cryin’ so much? is it over him, or over me?”

the answer to his question slips out of you faster than your sex-crazed brain can catch up. “o-over you!” it’s like you can’t even think for yourself, make any choices for your body outside of what bakugou has planned for you. you’d do anything to please him so that he keeps fucking you, so that you can forget your feelings and keep your place amongst the socially elite. maybe that makes you selfish, maybe it makes you dumb — that you’re a whore for katsuki’s bully cock that churns up your guts and uses you for ecstasy filled relief.

“y-yeah? mmhm, just like that baby,” katsuki stutters, licking his lips while you throw it back on him. the weak snap of his voice (caused by you clenching down on him) has you gushing nastily down bakugou’s length. bathing him in your juices, dripping down his balls as they clap against your ass, and swing against your clit.

“yeah…yeah…y-you’re my friend, k-katsuki! didn’t wanna lose you…”

satisfied with your response and feeling a little mean once more, the king of the plastics brings a heavy hand down against your ass before gripping it tight, forcing you back and forth on his creamed dick. you hiss at the newfound pain blooming underneath your skin, blinking back more tears.

“that’s right sweets, you’ll let me do anythin’ to keep me right? stay bein’ friends.” bakugou barks salaciously into your shoulder blade. greed and power and control sparks between your bodies that move in sync with one another, your hips shakily attempting to catch up with his rough pace.

you gasp when he hits a spot that’s got you howling at the moon. “y-yes, god, yes!”

“even let me fuck your crush? let me fuck you in front’a him?”

all you can do is nod and gargle in response, passionately sucking on his fingers. “get ‘em nice and wet for me. wanna play with you, gorgeous.” he nips at your skin, leaving the imprint of his canines against you before his red eyes laser focus on where your bodies continually meet. “lift your hips. atta girl.”

a heinous squeal escapes you, borderline pornographic as katsuki fumbles between your body and shouto’s high thread count sheets. his sticky fingers press into your pleasure nub in tight, calculated circles and he rewards the sound of your choked moans with another barrage of love bites to your neck. ones that you won’t be able to cover up. ones that show how much you’ve been used.

you wonder if his appetite for your dedication will ever be satisfied. even though your pussy works it’s way back onto him and swallows his cock down like fucking magic — bakugou still wants more of you. he grins sinisterly at the bruises that form just under your skin, that make you hiss when he licks over them and spills his curse words over against that sensitive spot underneath your ear. the sensitivity makes you yelp loudly, despite the people that walk by.

including none other than shouto todoroki.

“you’d even let him watch as i creamed your cute cunt, wouldn’t ya? so pathetic. it’s adorable, sweetness.” the blonde goads, pulling back so that he can get a better view of your ass bouncing against his slender hips. spreading you apart with large hands, he drools down onto his cock and your asshole, spitting onto the point at which his shaft slips inside of you — watching the white froth mix in with your viscous nectar and disappear into the creaminess of your tight hole.

your crush audibly gasps as he enters the room — mismatched eyes drinking in the view of you being absolutely wrecked from behind by his ex. shouto can’t help but admire your puffy face and equally puffy folds while he settles on the bed next to katsuki. he has no idea how his feet even carried him there.

“bakugou what are you—?”

the tail end of shouto’s words slip away when you clench down hard on bakugou, his head falling onto the latter’s shoulder while you share shaky moans. “oh my god,” katsuki pants, pulsing against your silken walls and driving his dick upwards into your sweltering mound. “you’re fuckin’ obsessed with me. with him. you just won’t let this dick go, will ya?”

admitting that you like shouto watching you get fucked by bakugou would be just as embarrassing as admitting your crush on him. it doesn’t matter if you’re crying too hard to confess the matter with words, both of them know it. they can tell by the way your pussy spasms around katsuki’s bulbous cockhead as it bullies it’s way into you with every thrust. “see icyhot, told ya she was a weirdo,” He chuckles down at you menacingly. “letting me be the one t’stretch her pussy open even though you’re the one that she wants. s’so embarrassing.”

todoroki let’s out a noncommittal grunt, equally amused by the situation like his ex. “yeah… so weird…”

he reaches around to grab at the fat of your waist and tugs you back onto katsuki so that his dick never leaves you. so that your clit is smooshed up against perfect abs, that contract with every thrust and overstimulate you.

maybe it’s not such a bad thing to be used by the king of the plastics, if it means shouto gets to touch you too.

“i think she’s about to cum, katsuki.” the two-toned haired jock states as if it’s obvious, his voice husky and low as the scent of sex trickles into the air. “you’re gonna make her cum, baby.”

“can fuckin’ feel it, she’s ‘boutta make a mess of me.” they share a lustful look behind you, that leads to them sharing sloppy, uncoordinated kisses as if you’re not even there. truly treating you like a sex toy to be used whenever, wherever.

the sounds of their kisses ring in your ears, cause heat to burn at your cheeks and shame to settle in your chest once again. but this time, you don’t fucking care — not when you’re close to cumming, not when both of the people you adore in your life are using little old you.

forcing you back and forth over katsuki’s dick even faster, shouto finds it in himself to address you, moaning out your name. “a-are you close?” he simpers, tongue rolling over his ex’s.

“i— i am. p-please. let me cum. lemme cum. lemme c-cum—!” you chant as if it’s the gospel, voice tapering off into a set of whistle tone simpers as you finally hit your high. black spots dot your vision, katsuki using a last burst of energy to canter into you, slamming against your g-spot over and over again. the dam breaks before your brain can register it, release trickling out of your fluttering hole like a flash flood after a vicious storm. it soaks his soft tuft of blonde pubes and soils the sheets below, your body wracked with shakes and aftershocks.

katsuki's cock against your cervix being the epicentre.

the two men behind you share a sick little laugh when you collapse into the sheets face first, both of them leaning down to kiss either of your cheeks soothingly.

“so fuckin’ cute ‘n loyal,” bakugou coos in a twisted tone, pulling out of you to jerk himself off over your quivering body.

shouto smiles and rubs soothing circles in the small of your back in an attempt to calm you down — taking pleasure in your tiny sniffles and hiccups while you come down from your high.

“your turn, bakugou.” he purrs slightly, using his arm to prop himself up on the bed for a perfect view of you both.

“mmfuck, shit ‘m so close.” colourful curses spew from between bakugou’s perfect, cherry bitten lips just as he hits his peak. slick sounds accompany the movements of his rough palm up and down his length, coaxing himself towards orgasm. he cums with a shout, a feral growl tearing his chest in two with how loud it is. all while ropes of his blistering hot and white cum land on your ass, pussy and back.

he collapses next to shouto after that.

you feel a finger drag through the hot mess on your back and turn around just in time to watch bakugou feed a scoop of his cum to your crush. todoroki sucking his fingers happily. “go get her a towel, icyhot.” he demands, and like a slave to the crown, todoroki follows — disappearing from the room in search for a rag to clean you up with. surprisingly, the blonde helps you to sit up, taking you into his chest so you can snuggle against it. “don’t cry sweetness, s’okay. i forgive you for thinkin’ i was a bad friend.”

tilting your chin up, you’re rewarded with a firm chaste kiss — swallowing katsuki’s moans as he tastes the saltine tears in your lips. “you’ll never do it again, right?”

“r-right…” you reply meekly, flinching at the blonde who boops your nose almost affectionately.

he busies himself with fixing your costume until shouto returns with a wet rag to wipe the cum from between your thighs and the rest of you. you try not to let it get to you when they share another passionate kiss, sucking on each other’s tongues and mussing up each other’s hair until they’re all rosy cheeked and short of breath.

you would be a fool to think that you ever stood a chance with shouto todoroki after tonight.

much like you, he’s just another piece in katsuki’s game of chess. he’ll never escape the toxic cycle of their relationship when things keep going like this.

“you look sexy with your hair pushed back, icyhot.” katsuki says to shouto once they come up for air, ruffling his silky locks out of place. his ruby, crazed, gaze slinks over to you next, a coy smirk playing at his lips. “sweetness, tell him, icyhot he looks sexy with his hair pushed back.”

katsuki bakugou is terrible. evil. conniving. but he’s all you’ve got, even if he is a mean girl.

“shouto…you look sexy with your hair pushed back.”

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recursivetrauma · 1 year

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I'm job-hunting again.

Ten years ago I dropped out of school to be a homemaker. My dream was to be a game developer with my spouse. It was also to be happy with my partner and cats, and to let go of an abusive childhood.

While we were in school together I had a meltdown following domestic violence and my grades slipped, the semester after this slip I stopped showing up to our classes. I found that the anxiety from these events wasn't going to just go away. I couldn't do my work or even take an interest in it. Even reading code brought on emotional flashbacks.

I tried to keep programming off and on for years. It caused extreme frustration, feelings that couldn't be explained yet because I was mistaking serious mental illness brought on by trauma for regular depression and personal inferiority. I felt like I was struck stupid, and then that I had always been stupid, and then that there was no point in trying because I would never be good enough. At this low point I was coerced into accepting a very bad deal; to be an unmarried house husband with no social safeguards. My life was in someone else's hands.

Things got much worse in my relationship. I suffered serious injuries from further violence, I was cheated on and neglected until I grew distant, and then raped, the meltdown that caused my trauma was never ending. It reached a peak when I was hospitalized from stress. I hated myself and often wanted to die.

I've tried many times to return to computer science. I'm still trying, kind of, but mostly because I have to do something to survive that isn't labor.

I recently did well at a Data bootcamp, but I haven't gotten a job four months later. I've had only two responses.

When I had an interview with Meta it was like I suddenly had IBS. I did what everyone does: grind leetcode and study in preparation. I passed a test with a recruiter. Every day I was shitting myself and quaking so much my abs hurt. My stress was awful. Then someone else was interviewed before me and got the job, and my interview was cancelled. I did another interview for a Data Engineer position for city government where I just bombed.

I'm trapped in the same recruiting hell that everyone else is. But that's not all there is to it. I truly believe that I can never succeed in the long term even if I get a job. This is a stressful career and my worst symptoms come out with external stress. I have seen the pattern of my behavior and understood what it is since I was diagnosed with CPTSD in 2019. It is a serious disability.

Eventually, as I work, I will get sucked into emotional flashbacks that last weeks, I will be overcome with pain and it will affect my performance, the way I'm treated will shift with my behavior. The causality of trauma is that you keep finding it. In 2019, I was bullied at work for the first time in my life while working in grocery. I've dealt with bullies before the trauma, but that requires a strength I don't have anymore. I need jobs I can walk out of to be safe, and tech employers want jobs with steep requirements and multiple testing interviews to make sure no-one is safe but them.

Looking at the work culture of tech, I feel myself reverse-engineering the logic that abused me. Their lives revolve around being obsessively superior, the 'grindset' is driven by fear of being surpassed by others. Unless you're one of the privileged, you live by the logic of elitism.

When I told my partner I didn't want to have sex because of the cheating, to her that was someone with a lesser station in life making demands of their superior. The cheating itself carried the logic of "I need more to balance out our partnership because you're just a loser". Gender roles as sexual economics, they're cruel because economies always are to the most replaceable classes.

There is an absolute logic to economic abuse and social status that no-one can dispel. You don't just spend the bulk of your life being a 'hustle mindset' creep and turn it off in personal relationships. That's who you are everywhere. In my mind, Tech companies driving inequality isn't just a function of technology but the people who build it. You may know that 'harassment in tech' was a news item for years, yet there no mechanism in that industry or even in our society to help survivors deal with it. It's just your problem. If you get out of this hole you teach everyone the lesson that 'anyone can do it', and if you don't you're ignored forever. Even the way we view victims is steeped in elitism.

This idea works fairly well being plugged into various scenarios. After our relationship ended I was mocked on twitter as an inferior. Someone who should've known their place and been more thankful. No-one bothered to question the weird narrative shift from 'my sweet, supporting partner' to 'my evil, worthless ex who wouldn't respect my power'. There is no moral difference here, simply knowing that I was worth less is supposed to carry all the credibility of publicly abusive statements. I could write pages and pages on how viciously economic elitism, and the abuse that follows can shape two people and the social circles around them.

I'm still trying. I see some classmates getting jobs and others returning to amazon fulfillment. I read experiences on this process - It's shocking to realize that normal people are experiencing the same stresses I am, not because of an exceptional series of abusive acts but because of the pressure exerted by the regular economy on them. I'm tempted to say Capitalism is as bad as life-ruining abuse, but for some that's what it is in the first place.

I don't think it's an accident that I did so well in my class. It didn't revolve around the same culture as employment does. I felt confident, social, likeable even. If I had just somehow dropped directly into work from that position, maybe I would've been okay.

I really just want to be safe and I don't know how else to do that. If it weren't for one of my injuries degenerating into arthritis I would already be in a fulfillment center or working grocery.

It occurred to me this week that I wanted to make video games with someone I loved and that's how I got here. I despise that romanticism now, but I feel emptier living without it.

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plinkcat-gif · 2 years

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do share!i love reading your funky ideas

thanks for enabling me 🧡🧡

kakashi can see ghosts lmao, obt is ghost.

“if you don’t get out i’ll kill you”

“i’m about to eat pancake hot dogs for dinner. this is my first meal of the day.”

this is based off a tiktok i’ll never find again ahdjsjdjdj, but essentially a crack au where obito does everything in his power to get kakashi to leave the home (genuinely traumatizing things) and kakashi is completely unfazed every time because he works full time at the town’s shittiest mcdonald’s where he’s definitely seen worse shdjsksjjs.

road trip:

“Aren’t you a little too old to be scared of the dark?”

this is just vibes there was no plot <333 i just thought kakashi teasing obito for this was cute, and the two of them goofing around with each other on a trip would be adorable!! also had potential to be a kkobrin au and if i were to write it now, it would definitely be that <3

*holds up fingers* “how many fingers do you see”

“too many”

“there’s one.”

this was actually for my firefighter obt and nurse kakashi au! obito gets severely injured in a fire and is sent to the hospital where they meet, about a week after obito saves kakashi’s house from burning down. kakashi is babysitting naruto while minato and kushina are out of town, and so he already has a lot on his plate, and obito has partial custody of his and rin’s child. (not a bad divorce, they’re still good friends!! he’s a really good dad and a good friend to rin, but couldn’t be a good husband because he worked hours that she couldn’t deal with while being a nurse and having a child. she’s since moved to a less demanding job in the medical field to take of their child <3)

anyway yeah that’s all <3 they’re so important to me i love them idk why the space above is so large i can’t make it go away

kid ghost kakashi and kid obito

- they had houses next to each other and would talk through their windows on the second floor bedrooms.

- kakashi died chasing after a soccer ball in a game. he’s not actually dead, just in a coma and healing slowly. he flickers in and out of existence based on whether he’s close to waking up or not.

- he is entirely conscious of everything he’s doing as a ghost. obito’s certain that he’s a figment of his imagination to cope, and since kakashi can’t make him believe otherwise, he just goes with it.

- obito goes to prom with somebody else and, unable to bear the fact that kakashi is also there, watching from afar, ditches (prom dress—mxmtoon).

- obito cries over math hw, kks helps him

- kakashi skipped a grade or two (can’t remember) and is in the same grade as obito. he’s only one or two years younger or whatever, DEF not four lol

IMPORTANT AU TO ME!!!! i started writing the first chapter but i just couldn’t get the tone right, esp bc it was from a squirrel’s perspective and…yeah. anyway. the main angst came from the prom scene, after goofy shenanigans with each other <3 obito goes to prom with somebody else (not rin he wouldn’t do that to her) and he can’t stand seeing kakashi on the bleachers, looking defeated and just. so sad. stressed, esp bc he’s having feelings ab somebody who might die, he ditches and kakashi tries to comfort him but hey, his best friend is about to die and he can’t deal with that, and just. fuck. sad.

kakashi does not die (…at least in one ending. never did figure out if i wanted to write the other too)

modern au kakashi gets flashes of different aus, mostly of obito dying. he can’t piece it together, until he realizes that he’s somehow connected to the multiverse.

i do not remember what this was about <3 but it’s cool in concept!! i think somehow he was able to travel the multiverse too, but like not intentionally. he was usually dumped in some random universe. (much opportunity for crossover aus, time change aus, i was also perhaps going to use this as an excuse to write friends’ aus and aus i liked dhhdjsjd

limbo dancing with the devil

- basically little to no morals

- western

- kakashi and obito were raised in a gang, but it was eventually killed and they were spared. kakashi picked up his life (it’s relative) and now works as a gun-checker for a saloon. also runs missions for tsunade, usually in killing people.

- obito simply started his own gang (akatsuki) and they go around killing killers. they’re looking for tsunade, because one of her men (kks) killed yahiko (but yahiko was actually killed by madara and framed kakashi)

- madara is the biggest threat—he’s been dormant since he got his town and was satisfied to live there, but with the new information, they have to go after him. kakashi, akatsuki, rin, tsunade and shizune all band together to go to tsukuyomi.

- obito kills killers and bad people, but kakashi’s revealed to have killed heartlessly (he didn’t get his reputation based on checking guns at a bar. he was taken in briefly by danzō and ran bad missions.)

- tenzo eventually joins the party when they meet him in konoha, the last stop before tsukuyomi. he’s gotten better (he used to work for danzō too) and is next in line for sheriff. he comes along because he’s been tracking madara for a while too, as he’s a threat to konoha.

- obito and kakashi’s deep talk: kakashi just killed someone by knife when obito was down, and obito says “you didn’t strike me as a killer.” kakashi responds, “that’s what makes me so good at it.”

- that sounds so edgy LOL in the moment it’s kind of sad.

incredibly important au to me. such worldbuilding, plus it means i would’ve gotten to write southwestern stuff which is simply <33333 LOVE!!!! i love love love writing about the southwest it’s just home <333🧡🧡🧡🧡 but also the plot is cool i really like it!! unfortunate i never got around to it, but i did write one chap on ao3 if you’re interested ;)

hatake norse

- old hatake wolves gone unused for so long that they’ve overgrown with moss and lichen

- tarot cards

- must all things end?

- flower field of daisies and lavender

- overgrown hatake estate

- skoll: devours the moon

- hati: devours the sun

- fenrir: will devour everything

- vargamor: a woman with control over wolves who lives in the forest. kakashi’s mom was one of these and she’s actually the one with hatake descent. this is how kakashi has control over wolves.

- kakashi wasn’t provided enough stability as a child and so he ends up destroying the world by freeing fenrir.

- he finds old scrolls under the floorboards where sakumo died.

- the island fenrir lives on is a marsh.

so yeah this is just a bad ending au no matter what. kakashi is enticed by his lineage in the hatake scrolls, which is great at first. then he associates with obito and the akatsuki, finds out obito’s plan because obito trusts him, foolishly. kakashi pretends to play along until he reverse summons himself to fenrir’s island and pulls the sword from the stone, releasing the wolf and ending the world. in his final moments, he gets to say goodbye to naruto, regret what he did because anything is better than this, regret it because naruto will die, and then justify it with obito’s actions. it’s for the greater good kind of stuff. it’s not. bad ending.

he doesn’t try to negotiate with fenrir after watching how quickly he took down kaguya. there’s no point in arguing morals without something that merciless.

this would’ve been a fun worldbuilding project, and i got pretty far! unfortunately i’m not writing anymore and so this project has come to a halt. i highly recommend the first few chapters because they were really fun for me to write, the last two are very meh ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it would mean a lot if u, who is reading this, read the first few chaps on my ao3 tho lol

better superhero au, invincible inspired

- obito is high school student, starts with no powers.

- gets powers one night, kamui makes him essentially invincible (wow what a cool name)

- madara (caretaker with hashirama) works with obito on his powers and takes him training.

- tobirama (cecil) adds obito to a superhero program he has, puts him on team with tsunade (black samson), kakashi (atom eve; final love interest), tenzō (robot), genma (rex splode).

- rin (amber; first love interest) is regular human, but volunteers at soup kitchen and helps in community, a hero in her own right.

- kakashi and tenzō are also secretly part of root, another organization that’s underground to the program. obito’s asked to join by danzō, to which he accepts, aka harder missions.

- he, kks and tenzō almost die (the mafia thing) and so does everyone else, but they all live thanks to tobirama and healing stuff.

- meanwhile, madara investigation ongoing, who killed the global guardians?

- subway scene and stuff. man. obito’s pretty much just fuckign demolished. iykyk.

- obito lives and recovers, kakashi suffers memory trauma from concussions.

this would’ve been fun to write for worldbuilding, i love working with magic/superpower systems!! also some major angsty kkob!!! i did write a little smth for this a while back but idk if i’ll be able to find it, if anyone’s interested anyway dhdjsjjd

“you will now go by magekiller as your new title. good luck, uchiha.”

- “every timeline. every single one, you kill me. why?”

- kakashi carries an opal, believed to be bad luck and carries the power of every gemstone. “magician’s stone”

- a desperate cleric slamming every healing spell in an attempt to bring someone back to life the ground sprouts flowers all around. deep in the forest, surrounded by flowers, lies a corpse refusing to rot.

- (from today) what was i even thinking?

- i think kakashi was supposed to have magic powers thru the stone. like a mage. and then obito was tasked by some higher being with always killing him forever

- they go through each timeline like this and at some point obito really does manage to kill kakashi. for real, for the final time (he’s not carrying the gemstone on him maybe?) and enter that last quote

- tbh i don’t remember i jsut made that up off the top of my head SHHDKSKAG

- this is Obito Suffering because He Cares So Much and what better way for angst than losing the one he cares most about? haha.

no comment idk what i was on about and the pinterest board is just some wolves and the word vargamor GFJJSKAHDJA

obito takes on kakashi’s mannerisms

- super cold, intimidating stare

- truly truly works and cares about people but as goes for obito, it becomes obsessive and twisted

- cares thru anbu if that makes sense. like he works for danzō and thinks he’s doing good for people

- perhaps some conscience-ghost haunting involved. because i think he should <3

fun twist on kks taking on obito’s mannerisms idk!!! potential for angst but i’m not the best at writing it so it’d probably be more uhhh grounded? idk. idk idk gn

#kirpy answers #thank u and vera for enabling me ily guys #kirpy writes #sure i’ll give it the tag it’s in the realm #oh the ‘space above is so large idk why’ is only visible when i edit it ig #thanks tumblr now i look like an idiot DDSKLSDJF

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phir-milenge · 2 years

Text

sometimes i look back in life realise how much i have devalued myself. on surface you will never see me commenting bad things about my weight, but inside my head when situation arises i’m blaming it on my fat, on my weight.

i was 6, when we moved from the big busy city to a small but active town. on my 2nd day at that school, i remember two boys sitting behind me laughing and saying “(myself) is an elephant” i was very upset that day, it is the earliest memory i have about being teased for my weight. and i was barely overweight, i was only 4-5 kgs above normal but i was chubby, big fluffy cheeks with a belly.

i told my parents and they consoled me and told me that those kids are no one to comment on me and some other stuff and i was fine for a while, then things happened again, and they didn’t stop, didn’t stop till we left the town cause my parents were relocated. it was as if my whole existence was about my weight.

my parents put me in karate class for self defence, and sometimes i would take longer to carry bricks around, kids would laugh and say she’s so fat she can’t even carry things. i was only 36kgs aged 8. i started throwing away my tiffin and lunch so that i would lose weight. i did this for a month till my parents caught me.

every year the school would take us to amusement parks, i loved going there, going to different rides and trying out new things, i was about to climb the ferris wheel but some girls told me i should avoid that since i may break it. i didn’t go on it. i skipped out the roller coaster, the water slide i never went back to an amusement park ever again. i dont get on see-saws because no one will ever balance me.

we used to have dancing class in school, mandatory for everyone. one day our dance teacher paired up girls and boys for some couple dance or something. i remember some guys saying “i hope i don’t get paired with [me] she is so fat and ugly”

one day i bought a stick ice cream for myself after school they were sold in front of the school gate, one of my classmates took at me and said “kitna khaygi moti”(how much are you gonna eat, fatso)

my parents changed my school because i was being bullied and i failed in 4th grade.

my new school was not any better. sometimes my teacher would say in front of the class that i should start exercising. it was humiliating. one of my friends started calling me “obesity ki dukan” (literally: obese) and another friend started copying her,

i used to commute to school via an auto. it is small and can hold 3-4 children but mine used to carry 5. i was going to a sea beach for a week and i was really excited for it, i told the girl that used to sit next to me (our mums were friends) she said “oh great, at least ab auto mein jaga hogi, jab tum nahi aate ho hume zaada jaga milti hai” (oh great, now we will have space in auto, when you don’t come to school we get a lot of space) the other kids giggled.

this one time our auto driver parked us and went to chat with his friends outside (we were waiting for a student that did not go in the same school as us) it was three people. me, my classmate and a kid 3 years younger to us. they started saying that the auto was leaning towards my side (it was not) then the younger one chimed in and they started making fun of me. i wanted to die. i wanted the ground to sallow me but i stayed quiet.

there are so many more times that i got made fun of. thinking of them makes me cry even more. they made fun of me for everything.

i am not in touch with anyone in the town. the students, the teachers the parents i hate everyone. i hate that town from the bottom of my heart and i would never voluntarily go there ever again. dehradun is a beautiful town with gorgeous greenery but for me it is a nightmare, the ugliest place on earth.

it is ingrained in my brain that because i am overweight, i am not entitled to things like normal people. i am not pretty enough. i am not smart enough, i am fat. i won’t be allowed on planes. the chair will break if i sit on it, the patio chair is loose because of me, i am afraid to get on swings fearing i might break them. i have disordered eating patterns, sometimes i eat too much sometimes not enough.

i thought it was normal, i lived like this and was ok with it. till i went out with my new friends, they called bullshit everytime i skipped a ride at the playground, and forced me to seesaw with them. it was the best moment of my life. i was above the ground. i felt as though i was on top of the world.

#i am talking

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stupid-sloot-headcanons · 2 years

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Homer quit his job at the bowling alley to support his family, hearing him disapprove of Lisa's saxophone playing is upsetting. Yeah, it's loud and may annoy him but I see him as the kind of father to keep his mouth shut and support her regardless because of how bad his relationship was with Abe and his mother

Hell that isn't even the only instance of him being a supportive father.

He was partially spurred to form a militia to stop the cat burglar because Lisa's saxophone being stolen made her depressed. He used the money he saved for an air conditioner to get Lisa her first saxophone, and even to get it engraved. When the kids were taken by CPS, he felt lonely because he couldn't hear her playing the saxophone. He ran as fast as possible to get the right reed for her recital and was genuinely upset with himself that he didn't get it in time. When he thought he was going to die in 24 hours, one of the last things he wanted to do was hear her play.

Homer's a dumbass and "jerkass Homer" is a term that exists for a reason, but even if he doesn't share most of Lisa's interests, he loves her and tries to connect with her by supporting those interests. The new episodes retcon a lot but this short is blatantly wrong lol.

And yes, I am caring way too much about this cartoon but The Simpsons was and still is a major obsession for me. In second grade my mom legit asked some of her friends with children that had autism how you could tell the difference between something a kid loves vs an autistic hyperfixation because I loved The Simpsons that much lmao. Every other sentence I said was "One time, on The Simpsons..." I played the saxophone because Lisa inspired me so much, and my relationship with my dad is a lot like hers and Homer's and helped me repair some of the dysfunction there. It's just disappointing to see this dead horse I love getting buttfucked for over a decade, yk?

#the backpack Ive used at college these past 5 years has a Moe's Tavern bottle opener and my old as fuck Lisa keychain #anyone who knows me irl knows how much I love this show lol #sloot's essays #sloot bitches about things

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sscoutregimentss · 3 years

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could you please do L, U, V, Y and Z for Armin Arlert Please Queen, i just passed by and i already love ur your account💕💕

i teared up a bit at how nice this ask is (´•ω•̥`) i wrote this in modern au again oopsy daisy

edit: added a read more bc this post is kinda long

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Armin is not terrible with kids, but no where near great. Growing up with no parents and having his grandfather die at such a young age led him to grow up fast, so he can't really relate to kids and what they... do.

Like he will see a baby and just talk normally to it. After doing some reading on why baby talk is important, he makes an effort to babble more to them but he really struggles. Or when he's with Gabi and Falco he asks them about quantum physics and Gabi is just like "uhhh I like fortnite."

He really tries. And it's not like he dislikes being around them, he just struggles, and kids don't really like him much either.

Also he cannot stand IPad kids. He blames it more on the parents then on the kids, because they're just kids, but one of his biggest peeves is crying, whiny children with snot on their bright blue silicone cases, eyes glued to a screen instead of dealing with the world. Since he is Armin, he's still polite and gentle with them, but the minute you're out of earshot he's complaining about it for a good 30 minutes.

In terms of his own children, he's actually a really good parent. He did a lot of research on how to raise kids well and he does his best to make sure his kids get what he couldn't in terms of upbringing. He's some what distant? Like his kids aren't ranting and raving about their new crush to their dad, but there's a really good bond between them and they go to him whenever he needs anything.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Armin is prone to telling a little white lie to get what he wants.

In general, he's subtly manipulative. Not in like an abusive or generally scummy way, but in a... human way. We all use manipulation to get what we want, in the end. Like puppy dog eyes or pouting.

He's always transparent about what he's doing, and it's not like he's causing any harm to you. In fact, most of the time its for your own good. Like if you're feeling a bit self conscious, he'll pretend not to notice until you manage to work up the nerve to think better of yourself, stuff like that. Or if something is bothering you, he'll figure out a way for you to bring it up instead of him so you get better at communication. He'll come clean after his little rouses work, but sometimes you wish he'd just tell you what he was doing as he was doing it.

He also takes a while to even consider you a priority. Even though his whole thing is taking your relationship slowly, you're quick to find out that he may call you his partner, but you're under school work, work, family and friends in the "Armin's Important Stuff" scale. He's not an easy shell to crack, so it's kind of expected, but unless you confront him, he will not even realize that he's doing wrong.

Chronic nail biter. Even when he's not nervous.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

On a scale of "beauty guru" to "horrendously stinky" he's a "I care for aesthetics."

He's got a very distinct dark/light academia (depends on his mood) aesthetic that he must keep up. His clothes are always ironed, never tattered, and though most of it is second hand he looks very put together and sometimes even expensive.

But in terms of beauty, it's not his priority at all. He likes the way he dresses because it makes him feel like he's ready to take on the day, and he showers everyday for obvious reasons, but he doesn't wear makeup, and his skincare routine is just washing his face and sunscreen.

Speaking of skincare, he has effortlessly flawless skin and hair. So smooth, so silky, and he barely puts in effort other than the basics. You're convinced it's because he's blessed by the gods, but he says its because he gets enough sleep every night.

His hair grows back super fast, so he has Mikasa cut it since he can't afford to go to the hair dresser so often. He liked the long hair as a kid, but now he finds it annoying, so he keeps it neatly cropped. She's a good hairstylist.

He's also... surprisingly ripped. He looks super skinny but he's got abs for days. Unlike most of his friends, only works out for mental clarity, and not muscles or gaining strength, so he's not like huge and bulky but he's pretty fit.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

He doesn't like overly judgmental people. It's only natural for people to assume things, but people who dedicate their free time to just assuming things about people annoys him to no end. Like people who assume the worst out of him because he hangs out with Eren, or people who think that he's some single virgin loser because he gets good grades.

Also, playing into Armin our semi-pretentious angel trope, he prefers a well read partner. Someone who he can make references too or will take his recommendations of classic literature, or maybe even watch ocean documentaries with him. They don't have to like every last thing he likes, and if they just haven't been exposed to things he won't mind at all, they just have to be open minded and not write off things he enjoys as "nerdy shit."

Piggy backing off that, he wants someone who somewhat cares about their academics. They don't have to be the next Einstein, or a straight A wonderchild like him, but rich brats who's parents are paying for their schooling just for them to party annoys him. It's not fair that he has to work so hard to keep his scholarships and other students are working hard to pay their tuition just for people to come because their Mommy and Daddy said so.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Armin falls asleep at 11 pm and wakes up at 7 am, without fail. It's amazing. You question if he's even a college student.

He uses an old fashioned alarm clock that's at the opposite side of his bed, but sometimes he wakes up on his own and forgets to turn it off, making him run out of the shower to stop the ringing before his roommates wake up.

Before you two started dating, he just slept on his side. But once you two got close, he can't sleep without hugging something if you're not spending the night.

When you do spend the night, he likes being little spoon, or facing you and having you nuzzled in his chest (or vice versa, he's not picky).

He's quite a neat cuddler. No limbs haphazardly thrown over you or anything. His legs are very gently intertwined with yours, he has his arms in a very specific spot to make sure you're comfortable, and he doesn't snore or anything.

Sometimes he sleep talks. Very rarely, though, but when you catch it, it is the funniest thing ever. He has really wild dreams for such a down-to-earth person— you caught him babbling about turning into a 150 meter skinless giant once. Weird.

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professorrw · 3 years

Text

Life’s Unfair

Pairing: female reader x Bucky Barnes

Requested: Yes

Warnings: abusive relationship, abuse, mentions of PTSD, victim blaming, cheating, alcohol, Bucky and Steve save reader from abusive boyfriend

A/N: If I missed any warnings please tell me! If there is anything wrong with this let me know. Requests are open for one-shots, headcanons, imagines, and drabbles for My Hero Academia, Harry Potter, and Marvel! My taglist is open so if you’d like to be on that just tell me! Please like, comment, and reblog!

Why is life so unfair? Why do bad things happen to you? Why don’t you get a happy ending? Why do you have to suffer? Why do you attract bad people? Why are you so weak? These were all the thoughts running through your head as you laid next to your boyfriend board stiff. You were silently crying, if he heard you he would hit you more.

Life is unfair, that’s a statement, a fact. At least you believe it is. In college you were a good student. You were smart, but you let people walk all over you. One of those people being Chad. It was okay at first, you really believed he loved you. But he didn’t, and he still doesn’t. In college you were a means of getting good grades and sex. Now you were a way to live rent free. While you worked as a sort of assistant for the Avengers he would party, drink, and cheat on you.

It wasn’t like you didn’t know. He didn’t try to hide it at all. You would randomly find panties that weren’t yours and acrylic nails that weren’t your style under the bed, even sometimes in it. You didn’t say anything though. You couldn’t. Because if you did he would hit you and yell at you. Even if you acted good and stayed quiet he would abuse you.

It was a never ending cycle that you couldn’t leave. He had control over you. He made you feel like shit every single day. He would tell you you couldn’t survive without him and you would die if you left him. You were scared of him. He had physical power over you. It wasn’t like you just pack up and leave.

What was even more unfair was that you were in love with someone. That someone being Bucky Barnes, a former Winter Soldier. You were assigned to help him adjust to his new life and you slowly but surely realized you loved him. He was kind and funny. Gentle, even though he had a dark past. He was intent on changing and you were there to help him. He found solace in your continued company, even when he was adjusted and could do things on his own.

You were a constant in his life and he was secretly in love with you too. But you had a boyfriend. That was the only thing holding him back. What he didn’t know was that Chad abused you. You didn’t tell anyone and made sure to keep it a secret. It was embarrassing to tell people that you had been in an abusive relationship for nearly ten years and you were too scared to leave it. So you suffered in silence.

You clocked into work at the Avenger base early the next morning. You left before Chad was awake. You didn’t want to hear his empty apologies anymore. They didn’t mean anything. He was a manipulative bastard that would abuse you at night and then act all innocent when he woke up. He blamed it on the alcohol. But if he really wanted to stop he could have.

It was humid outside and you were sweating bullets in your long sleeve blouse. You were usually dressed in long sleeves and pants, to cover the bruises. It was a miserable way to live, but you endured it. The Avengers didn’t question your fashion, they just thought it was your personal style to dress modestly. It wasn’t. If you could, you would dress more freely, sexy even. But even if you didn’t have bruises Chad wouldn’t let you. He would claim you were dressing for other men, trying to seduce them.

You were hired as a rehabilitation effort to help Bucky but all the Avengers like having you around and hired you as a sort of assistant. Even though they didn’t need assistance and you mostly just talked to them and had fun. The only real work you did was sorting out their public affairs and sometimes talking them through tough times.

As you walked into the cool Avengers tower lobby you were greeted by the receptionist, who informed you that Bucky was in his room. You took the elevator up to his temporary placement while he looked for his own apartment, which you were doing today.

You knocked on the door and he immediately replied, “Come in.” Once he saw it was you his face lit up.

“Hey-” your voice caught in your throat when you saw Bucky, who was shirtless.

He noticed your flustered face and bashfully pulled his shirt on. “Sorry about that doll. I was getting ready.”

“It-It’s fine.” You couldn’t seem to look him in the eye now that the sight of his abs and chest were burned into your brain.

“I asked Steve to come too. For advice, ya know.” He was leaning against his bed frame with his non-metal arm. He looked like a model you would find in a magazine for some masculine cologne.

“Good idea. Steve’s been in your shoes before and he’s known you for years.”

As if on cue there was a knock at the door and Steve stuck his head in. “Sorry I heard talking and assumed you guys were ready.”

You and Bucky glanced at one another before you answered. “Yeah, we’re ready.”

The three of you began your trip around Brooklyn, where Bucky wanted to live. You went to all the listings you had marked, spending most of the day there. You took a break from hunting and went to get lunch.

You took a seat outside with Bucky while Steve got your food.

“So… do you like any of them?”

“Yeah, I mean, they’re apartments, that's for sure,” he shrugged.

“Buck, come on. What’s wrong with ‘em?”

“S’just weird, ya know? Acting normal and doing normal stuff.”

You reached across the table and took his hand. “It’s okay to feel weird about this stuff. I’m sure Steve has felt it too.”

“Yeah, but Steve-” he was cut off by the man himself walking up to your table and placing your food down. You quickly pulled your hand away, but not fast enough to hide it from Steve. He knew all about your feelings for one another.

You tucked into your food, forgetting about your conversation for now. Bucky had confided in you a lot of what he had done, sparing you the nitty gritty details. He told you about his PTSD, about all the dreams he had. He trusted you and allowed you to comfort him. You were the only woman in his life, the only woman he even considered close to him.

It broke your heart knowing what he went through for all those years and all you could tell him was that he’s changed. And he has. At first he was cold and wouldn’t talk to anyone but he warmed up to you and Steve and let you into his bubble.

Lunch went well and you continued on your search. You looked at a wide range of apartments until it was nearly nine and you had arrived at the last apartment. It was close to one of your favorite restaurants, which Bucky knew.

You walked up the flight of stairs and into the apartment. It had exposed brick on one side of the wall and a fire escape right out the window. It felt like Bucky’s style and something that would suit him. He surveyed the living room, kitchen, and bedroom before he returned.

“I think it suits you. It seems like something you would like,” you said.

“I agree,” Steve said.

Bucky stopped in the middle of the living room, contemplating it for a second. “I like it too.”

“Great! Do you want me to call the owner and tell her you want to make an offer?” you asked.

“Yeah, thanks doll.”

You did just that and luckily the owner was in the building at that moment. You three went down to talk to her and submit Bucky’s application before you stepped out into the cool night air.

Steve’s house was in the opposite direction of your apartment and the Avengers tower so he told you two good night and went on his way, leaving you two alone.

You two started walking towards your apartment. Bucky didn’t know where exactly it was but he wasn’t going to let you walk home alone at night.

“I’m glad you found one.”

“Me too. It’s not that far from your place is it?”

“No, just a few streets away.” You two were walking so close together your shoulders were bumping.

“I might have to come visit you sometime then, huh?”

You glanced over at Bucky who was gazing at you as he walked. He had a gentle expression on his face, no worries or cares creasing his face when he was with you. “Yeah you might.”

You kicked at some pebbles as you both got closer and closer to your apartment. As you arrived in front of it you stopped, causing Bucky to halt as well.

“Well… I’ll see you tomorrow Buck.” You rocked back and forth on your heels as Bucky smiled down at you. He was waging war within himself to keep from reaching out and kissing you. He too felt how unfair life was.

“See ya tomorrow doll.” He waved goodbye as you walked up the stairs. He waited on the sidewalk until you were safely inside. You had a giddy feeling inside you. Spending the day with Bucky was like a breath of fresh air. Your home away from home in a way. You walked into your apartment and locked the door behind you with a small grin on your face.

It was quickly wiped away when you heard Chad’s voice behind you. “Who was that? Your lover?”

You turned around slowly and answered him in a calm voice, “No, he's my friend.”

“What did you say? Speak up when you talk to me!” His voice was steadily getting louder and you were close to trembling.

“He’s my friend!” you shouted. Your fists were clenched at your sides.

“You want to yell at me? You want to yell at me bitch? Who do you think you are? Without me you’re nothing! You belong to me!” He moved closer and closer to you until he was inches away. He pushed your shoulder with each sentence he spoke, each push getting progressively harder.

“You can tell your little boyfriend that! You’re mine! Isn’t that right?” He grabbed your chin with his hand and made you look into his eyes. His breath reeked of beer. “Isn’t that right?”

You nodded meekly, fighting back the tears. He was scowling at you with pure hatred in his eyes. What did you ever do to him? What made him think you deserved this treatment?

He let go of your face and pushed you one last time, making you hit the coffee table and then the floor. Your whole body was shaking and your left arm was aching where it hit the table. You went to sleep the same way as every night, silent and scared.

You woke up even earlier than the previous day and walked to the bathroom. Your eyes were red and puffy from last night's crying. You raised your left sleeve to see a new bruise on the side of your arm just above your wrist. You pressed a finger against it and winced. You got ready for work again and headed out.

There wasn’t much going on at the tower today. You saw Bucky an hour after you arrived. He thanked you for helping him before he told you that he was approved for the apartment. You shared your congratulations and went on with your work. Your mind went back to last night and how Chad’s excuse for hitting you was Bucky. He would use anything that he could find to use against you, even your friends.

You couldn’t help but think it was your fault. You were pretty close to Bucky last night. If it weren’t for Chad lingering in your mind you would have kissed him. You quit daydreaming about Bucky and started working again. A few hours later you were wondering whether or not to go out and eat lunch.

Steve approached your desk. “Do you want to go have lunch with me?”

“Yeah! I was actually just debating whether or not I was going to go out but I don’t have a reason not to now.”

You and Steve went out to lunch and chatted about whatever came to mind in the moment. When you were finished eating you left to go to the bathroom. When you were washing your hands your sleeves got wet so you rolled them up a few inches. You dried off your hands and returned to Steve.

“The waitress came by and gave me the bill. I went ahead and paid.”

“Thanks. I owe you.” You reached to grab your to-go cup off the table.

“What happened?” Steve was looking at you with concern.

You felt your blood run cold. You glanced at your arm. Your sleeve raised even more and your bruise was peeking out.

“Nothing. I tripped and hit my arm.” You tried to keep your voice steady but you were starting to shake. Steve’s concern didn’t go away. He could tell you were lying.

“Y/N what really happened? Did someone do this to you?”

“I- no that’s not it. I- I fell.” Your lip was quivering. You were on the verge of tears. Steve looked around before getting up and motioning for you to follow him. You walked out of the diner and onto the street before turning on a less crowded street where there was a small park. Steve sat down on a bench and you sat beside him. You were fiddling with your thumbs, unsure of what to say. You didn’t want anyone to know what was happening to you but now Steve knew.

“Y/N, please. You’re hurt. Tell me who did this to you. Is it your boyfriend?”

Your chest tightened and you gulped down the saliva that was filling your mouth. A tear escaped your eye and rolled down your cheek as you nodded. You put your head in your hands in an effort to hide your face. Steve put a hand on your shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“It’s embarrassing. I’m a grown woman and I can’t even- I’m afraid.”

“How long has it been going on?”

“Years.”

Steve was in silence. He couldn’t believe he didn’t realize sooner.

“Does anyone know? Does Bucky know?”

You shook your head.

“I don’t know what to do.” You wiped your tears and sniffled. Your breath was as shaky as your hands.

“We’ll figure it out. Can you go home tonight? Will you be okay for one more night?”

“What are you going to do?”

“Just answer me. Will you be okay for one more night?”

“I’ve been okay for all these years. What’s one more night?”

“Okay… be careful.”

You cleaned yourself up and went back to work for the rest of the day. When you got home Chad was black out drunk on the couch. That meant he wasn’t going to wake up for a while and you would be left alone. You went to bed alone, imagining all the things that could possibly happen tomorrow. Steve didn’t tell you what he was going to do but you were scared. There were many ways that it could end badly.

You headed into work the next morning the same as everyday. You were greeted at the door by Bucky. As soon as he saw you through the windows he ran to meet you. Before you knew what was happening you were in his arms. His human hand was shaking as it stroked your hair.

“Y/N I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I should have noticed. I should have known.” He pulled away. “We’re going to get you out of this. You don’t have to be scared anymore. You’re okay. I promise I won’t let something happen to you ever again. I promise. I promise…” He was so worried he was trembling. When Steve told him about your bruise and your boyfriend he was furious. He spent his whole night worrying about you, hoping that you were okay.

You pulled him back into the hug. “Buck it’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known. I made sure no one knew.”

“Y/N I love you! I love you and I didn’t even realize! It was happening right under my nose! I see you every day. I talk to you every day. Have been for almost a year and I didn’t even know!” He took a moment to collect himself. “Y/N if you let me I’ll protect you until the day I die. No one, no one will ever hurt you again.”

His proclamation had driven you to tears. He loves you. He wants to protect you.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Your crying worried him even more.

“Nothings wrong, it's just… you love me.” You wiped your tears and smiled at him.

“Of course I do! And I promise I’m going to get you away from him. You’ll never have to worry about him again.”

You couldn’t form words so you just laid your head against his chest. He embraced you back, arms wrapped around you like he was never going to let go. He loved you with his whole heart and never again would he allow you to be hurt. He would die for you.

Upon seeing you and Bucky, Steve rushed over. “What’s wrong?”

With a quivering voice you answered, “Nothing. ‘M just relieved.”

“Whew okay. We’re going to get you out of there. I told Tony we had stuff to do today so he’s excusing you from work. Now is your boyfriend… ex-boyfriend… um the scumbag… home?”

You made an amused noise at the name. Scumbag. “He usually leaves right after he wakes up and goes to the bar or one of his girlfriends’ houses.” When you said that last part Steve’s eyes went wide.

“Girlfriends? As in multiple? What a dick.”

You and Bucky both turned to stare at the straight laced Captain. He waved you off and continued to talk. “When he leaves we’re going in and taking everything that’s yours and leaving, okay? You can stay with me or with Bucky until you can get your stuff figured out. I know it’s not ideal but it’s better than letting you stay there.”

“It’s alright honestly. Thank you guys for helping me. I don’t think I would have done it on my own.”

You waited until around lunch before going to raid your own apartment. You gathered all your belongings and put them in a cab before heading to Bucky’s new home. When you got there Steve left and went back to the tower, leaving you and Bucky to get situated.

You headed into Bucky’s sparse apartment and set your boxes on the floor. He helped you unpack your clothes and personal items, which was all you owned, before you both plopped onto his couch. It was like the calm after the storm. Everything was, hopefully, sorted out. When Chad gets home he’ll find your letter that says you’re leaving his sorry ass and to not even try to look for you. You’ve already blocked his number and all his social media accounts so there aren’t any ways for him to contact you.

You turned your head to look at your new roommate, “Bucky, was what you said earlier true?”

Now that you weren’t in the heat of the moment and you really wanted to know he felt shy. “I- Yes. Yes, it is doll. I meant it. I love you. I don’t want to rush you into anything though, it’s okay if you don’t feel the same or if it’s too soon.”

“Buck I love you too.”

He let out a breath, “Really?”

“Really. I just didn’t tell you because I was scared.”

He reached over and held your hand. “You don’t have to be scared anymore.”

Taglist: @bellamy1998

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dangerous-fellowz · 3 years

Text

ME??? WRITING 3 LAWRENCE FANFICS IN THE SPAN OF 12 FUCKING HOURS??? WHY YES MY MENTAL HEALTH IS WONDERFUL. anyways this is about lawrence and a gender nuetral mc painting mugs and talking about mothers day.

tw for: ab/se, mommy issues, m/rder. under the images

(also bunny, don't read the other fics.)

the group needed more cups. so lawrence you got some cups, when out looking for food. however sadly all you could find were some unglazed mugs from an half finished pottery project.

'these are certainly not food safe, however i'm sure of we painted them with these glaze's this woman left behind, we could make them usable. not like we have much of an option anyways.'

is what lawrence said when you found them, and now you are here. in lawrence's classroom, criss cross apple-sauce on the floor, painting the mugs. he went for a nice burnt orange, the bottom had a lovely cream piping pattern on it. since he told you that he wanted to be a baker, you began to notice how much that effects his every day tasks. from how well he can write cursive, to knowing how to the store the food.

you however, went for a simple blue sky and white fluffy cloud mug. you did what you knew what was comfortable. you don't want excitement or adventure, you want to rest. lawrence was comfortable for you. it was easy to work out his brain, how he thought. it was so easy because you were the same way.

kind, practical, observent, and on occasion very cold.

harry was comfortable as well. however there is nothing more comforting then being around someone who just gets you.

lawrence was clearly deep in thought, his glasses hanging on the tip of his nose because of how long he has been looking down. his brows knitted as he paid attention to the little details. one of the little details being that you were looking at him a bit too long and a bit too fondly.

"if you need help doing the line art, i'd be happy to do it for you." he offered with a small smile.

"oh, uh no no. your technique is just intresting to me. i prefer to paint loosely, like a first grader on a freshly painted wall. or what i assume that would be like. my parents would have killed me if i did that." you say, meaning it more litterally than most.

he chuckled softly, holding his mug to the sun light. "same here, my parents were very adamant on me getting good grades from a young age. coloring outside the lines wasn't aloud, since i could get a bad grade in art. you know how parents are." lawrence was typically closed off when talking about the before times, maybe it's the fact that it should be mothers day today, but he wasn't immediately changing the subject.

you can't help but chuckle, because you do get it. you can tell by the bangs on lawrence's forehead that he has parental issues. he could tell from the way that you react to authority that you have the same kind.

"i never understood why people want to go back to their childhood. i haven't been a kid since i was ten years old. why would i want to go back to being controled by someone i hardly know. why do people want that?" you ask retorically.

"because most parents aren't living through their children, or putting the weight of the world on their shoulders at 10." he said, not understanding that it was retorical.

you choose not to correct him on the fact you didn't want the question answered. you both continued to paint your mugs.

"would it be in poor taste if i write 'you've been poisoned' at the bottom of the mug?" you ask as if scarlett didn't die, covered in her own blood and stomach lining from being poisoned.

lawrence looks at you for a minute. "...yes. it would be." he wonders if you know if he killed her. which you do, however those two things are completely unrelated.

lawrence is comfortable. so kind yet so honest. as you both finished your mugs, you sat in content silence. both of you were motherly in your own right since no one else would mother you. mothers day is a day you both wish to sob and throw this mug at her. what did she do that made her deserving of celebrating? you both raised yourselves.

now you are here, painting a mug for your friends. a murderer and someone too in love to care. which is which changes on the day.

"i sometimes wished she loved me. not just the person she wanted me to be."

which one of you said that? it didn't matter. you both agree.

#lawrence dangerous fellows #dangerous fellows #angst #dangerous fellows angst #dangerous fellows fanfic #i am self projecting

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spencerreidscoffeecup · 3 years

Text

Chapter 5 | Beautifully Broken

TW: Self-harm, mentions of parental death, mentions of ab*se (from father), suicidal, depression, anxiety attack, (almost) an overdose on antidepressants, emetophobia (fear of v*miting if you don't know the technical term), cutting, s*icidal phone call

If you think any of this will bother you, I will write a short summary on the next chapter of this chapter so you can skip over this one!

Y/N's POV

"Thanks for the party, Spencer. I'm sorry."

I close his car door, taking a deep breath, the early morning air causing the hairs on the back of my neck to spike up. I feel terrible for how I acted to Spencer. He was just trying to help- but I couldn't bring him into my mess. I loved him too much to do that.

I walked inside, too emotionally exhausted to cry. I felt alone again, and that somewhat inexplicable feeling of wanting to control something in my life, besides what I consumed resurfaced. I set my things down, and walked to the bathroom. It was weird. I felt like I was in this dreamy state, like this wasn't happening--like I was numbed in the mind and being controlled by a greater force than me as if I was a marionette. I felt calm. Weirdly calm. As I entered my bathroom, I took the sharp, lustrous silver blade out of my bottom drawer.. Inserting it deep into my skin until I felt small relief. I looked in the mirror, the pain searing through my arm, my face stoic. I didn't even recognize myself.

I wished I could talk to someone, anyone. It wasn't that I didn't have people to talk to-because I did. I knew Spencer would listen to me if I wanted to talk to him.. But it wasn't about people listening or not listening to me. It was about me using this blade to cope with my problems instead of me growing a pair and talking to someone.

All the same, I never did anything about it, instead letting my problems eat me away. When I was younger and harming myself without exactly knowing what I was doing, my mom used euphemism to explain to me that what I was doing was unhealthy, so I wouldn't feel like I was a lunatic for scratching myself on purpose at seven years old because I thought I deserved it.

My mother was the only thing that kept me from taking my own life. I was not only dealing with depression and anxiety by the time I was in second grade; but was also dealing with physical and mental abuse from my father. I honestly had no idea how someone as kind and caring as my mother could be with someone so monstrous as my father. She was too sick to do anything about it, so I just took whatever my father gave me.

After my mother died and my father was made to look after me, he began hitting me more. One day, I decided I had had enough and left in the middle of the night. I took his money, and bought myself an apartment three hours from where we lived. I was only eighteen at the time and so I immediately was stressed out with how I was going to pay my bills and taxes, as well. So I then got six part-time jobs. I did online school, and graduated college at twenty. School was my only escape from my life, so I finished the courses quickly, as I was not only passionate about being in the BAU (it was always my dream-job), but I also loved the feeling of accomplishing things. I graduated early and top of my class. I joined the BAU three years later.

As you could probably tell, I was extremely busy. This was a good excuse for me to 'forget' to eat. I had always dealt with body dysmorphic issues, but my father made it worse, calling me ugly and obese all the time. I was nowhere near obese. I was 5'3 and 105 pounds. But because I was so insecure, I began to stop eating on purpose. I went on two-hour runs everyday and only drank water and ate ice-cubes and celery.

I try talking to people about it, but they either feel sympathy then leave, or instantly shut me down, telling me I am stupid for thinking that way. That's why it's so hard to talk to someone, even someone so close to me like Spencer. I knew he cared, and deep down I knew that he wouldn't leave, but my anxiety fogged away any chances I had at being reasonable. Therefore leading me to believe I would have to bottle up these feelings alone. I lie in my bed, closing my eyes so I can drift into a slumber to forget about everything for a few hours. I am alone.

Spencer's POV

8:00 a.m., Monday (2 days after the party)

The shriek of my alarm wakes me up, the sound setting off every nerve in my body. I quickly get ready, then head to the office. Memories of Friday night start to flood my brain, as guilt and anxiety create a hazy fog over the images. Had I done something wrong by trying to help Y/n? No, I couldn't have... she needs help and sometimes people have a hard time with confrontation, I knew that- I knew that from personal experiences.

I texted and called her about five times each, trying to make sure she was okay, but she had never returned my texts or calls, she only read my texts. I had been debating going over to her apartment and seeing her, but I decided against it. I had to talk to her today.

I get ready then drive to the BAU, nervously tapping my hand on the steering wheel. I arrive a few minutes early, and walk inside. The bullpen is quiet but busy. I look around, no Y/n to be seen.. Just Derek and a fresh stack of paperwork sitting on my desk, awaiting my arrival. "It's fine," I think, "she's probably just late. I also arrived two minutes earlier than usual so she is going to probably be here any minute." I try to convince myself but I just have this twisting sensation in my gut, as if something is wrong. I brush it off to be a guilty conscious or anxiety, and continue on with my paperwork.

Y/N's POV

2 days after the party, 8:00 am

I woke up this morning, from my alarm chiming in my ears. I can't go to work today. I can't. So I text Hotch:

From Y/n to Boss-Man:

Hey Hotch. I unfortunately cannot come into work today as there is a family emergency.

I know he knows that I have no family members left, but maybe he'll think it's a friend that's almost like my family,- emergency.

From Boss-Man to Y/n:

Okay, don't worry about it. There isn't much paperwork to be done today so you can just get it done tomorrow or Wednesday... Whenever you get to it. Take care, and let me know if you need anything

From Y/n to Boss-Man:

Will do. Thank you so much. :)

Hotch sends a thumbs-up back and I set my phone down, fidgeting with my fingers. I think of Spencer.. How he has called and texted me but I haven't replied back. I feel like shit. I just couldn't bring him into this mess with me. I walk to my kitchen, grabbing some water, and my medications. I take them, then look back down at the bottle. If I wanted to end it all I could. I walk away and sit on my couch. I can't do this anymore.

I lie down, and fall asleep for a few hours.

Spencer's POV

The day is almost over and there is no sign of the beautifully broken angel. My heart sinks a bit and I just can't get rid of that nervous feeling in my stomach. I finish my paperwork, turning it into Hotch before I ask him,

"Do you know where Y/n is?"

"She said she needed time off for a 'family emergency'." he says honestly.

She told me that she doesn't have any family members around, a few months ago. She never explained why, but she seemed touchy about the subject so I never pushed it any further.

I gather my things and leave to go to my apartment.

In the middle of driving home, I hear my phone buzz. I ignore it, not wanting to be distracted from driving. But the buzzing is consistent, distracting me already from driving. So, I cautiously pick my phone up to see Y/n's number flash across my screen. I almost crash my car into the other car in front of me, my heart skipping nervously. I answer.

"Spencer," I hear sobs breaking from her throat, tearing my heart apart. "I-I did something really stupid."

Y/N's POV

I woke from my slumber, the purple skies filling my vision as the night air from my open windows seeps into my apartment. I hear a buzz from my phone.

Boss-Man to Y/n:

Hello, I hope all is well. I tried to call you, but you didn't answer. I have some bad news. We believe your father is trying to track you down to find you. Try not to worry too much, we have you secured and locked down. Call me as soon as you can so I can give you more info.

I feel my throat close up, bile rising in my throat. I thought I was safe. I moved two cities down from where I used to live. My panic sets in as I begin to hyperventilate.

"No no no.. this cannot be happening right now." I whisper to myself, tears pouring out of my eyes. I hear my phone buzz some more, but I am too distracted to read any of it. I want to go away and never come back.

I rush to the bathroom, grabbing that metal blade and dragging it slowly across my skin. It didn't work. I didn't feel relief. I scream angrily, rushing to the kitchen. I want this to be over. I don't want to die. I just want the pain to stop.

With shaky hands I grasp my antidepressant prescription bottle. Taking a handful of them and washing them down with water as I wince, some scraping the back of my dry throat. I feel like I'm watching myself from a third-person point of view. I can't stop thinking of one thing-one person, as I fully swallow those pills. Spencer. I need him. I need to call him. So without thinking, I grab my phone, ignoring the missed calls and texts from Hotch. I quickly dial Spencer's number, as wrecking sobs break from my voice.

Spencer's POV:

"Spencer," I hear sobs breaking from her throat, tearing my heart apart. "I-I did something really stupid."

"What did you do?" I ask, keeping my voice soft.

"I can't do this anymore- I couldn't do this anymore. I'm sorry. I tried to cope with it but I can't anymore. I wanna go away. He's back." she chokes through her sobs, breathing heavily.

I try to compose myself, to not freak her out. Truth be told, I'm completely and utterly terrified.

"W-Who's back?" I stutter, "what happened, Angel?" I ask, trying to hold back my own sobs as tears fall down my cheeks. Who is she talking about?

"I was trying to get better, I'm sorry. I-I love you. I always have." she cries, gasping for air.

My heart hurts but swells at the admittance. I want to say that I love her too, but I can't. All that comes out of my mouth is,

"I'm coming over there." I turn my car around to head to her direction.

I try to talk to her, to ask her what's wrong, but she never answers my questions, only saying that she's sorry. She hangs up, and I panic more. I arrive at her place, running up to her apartment, as I open the door with the spare key she gave me.

Running in, I see her on the floor, lying there like a broken angel, unconscious. I see the pill bottles and my heart drops down to my stomach. It felt like a blur; me running over to her, and putting her in a bathtub with water, letting her lay on me as we both get soaked under her shower head. I take my two fingers and plunge them deeply into her throat, cringing slightly. A few moments go by and I hear coughing and gagging, throwing up the pills and bile that was left in her throat. She gasps for air, clutching on to my hand as I continue to comfort her, by rubbing her back and brushing her hair out of her face. She turns to me and cries.

"I-I'm sorry," she says through sobs.

"Shh, it's okay, it's okay," I softly say to her as she wraps me in one of her hugs. "You're going to be okay... I'm gonna help you- we'll get through this together." I use my free hand to turn off the water and we just lie there, cuddling. I kiss the top of her head, as she sniffles into my shirt. Tears sting my eyes, but I need to be strong.

"I'm proud of you," I whisper to her.

"Why?" she whispers back, grasping my body to pull me closer to her.

"Because you called me." I say.

After about ten more minutes of us sitting in her tub, I gently help her out of the water, giving her a towel, and some warm clothes. She keeps the bathroom door cracked open slightly as she changes. I then change and walk to her bedroom where she is.

"C-can you stay the night? Like sleep in the bed with me, please. I want someone here with me." she stutters nervously.

"Of course," I reply softly.

I get into the bed with her as she pulls me closer to her body. I kiss her forehead and she lies down on my chest.

"Thank you, Spencer." she whispers before falling into her own quiet slumber.

"I would do anything for you." I whisper back, not really meaning for her to hear it, but she looks up at me and smiles softly, that beautiful smile of hers. I take my thumb and gently caress her cheek with it. My cheeks burn a light pink but I am sure she can't see it as it is dark in her room, besides the white glowing moon casting a shiny glow on to her, making her look like a fairy.

As I drift off to sleep, I am reminded of what she said earlier... about her loving me.

'I love you too, Y/n', I think to myself. 'I always will.'

___________________________________________________________________________

AN: SAD. SAD. SAD. this chapter is very sad, I know, but I promise that it will get happier (there is a happy ending!!! i love happy endings!)

love you all!

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255

youtube

#spencerreid #spencerreidxreader #drspencerreid #criminalmindsspencerreid #criminalmindsfanfic #angst #suicideawareness

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tsufangs · 3 years

Text

Some analysis...

Sup peps ✌️ today I offer you a little theory!

Enjoy!! (I guess...)

⚠️ Contains manga spoilers ⚠️

“ Tell me your wish too! Yugi Tsukasa! ”

First of all, I never knew Tsukasa could have a proper wish, he’s like uh... difficult to understand and emotionless; he’s the type of person who only knows how to smile even when he gets mad or annoyed. Basically, Tsukasa is like a puzzle as his twin brother Amane: we are trying to solve the puzzle in order to know the shady truth behind both.

(Well, they are twins lol 😂 ‘course they are alike in some lines)

*cough* So, in the next chapter we have various options of what could happen:

1. Continuation of where we left last time

Most likely it would happen, since we are discovering the truth behind the Red House and the Yugi twins... so I belive we will learn about Tsukasa’s wish (if he has one) and we might get some flashbacks of their past?!

Like, we will maybe get some scenes of Amane and Tsukasa’s childhood?? I would be so hyped if that happened because in that way we’ll learn about how their relationship was before middle school and all those unpleasant events: was Tsukasa always like that? Was he always unstable/manipulative?? Is Tsukasa the real bad guy who did bad things to Amane or they just want to make it seem like that?

These questions are still unanswered, but what if when Tsukasa was a little kid he was a bit different from when he was a teen... I mean, think about it: we are now seeing this little kid of the Red House and it is now confirmed it’s definitely Tsukasa.

Supposing Tsukasa as a kid was like the one we see in the Red House, we all understand he looks a biiit different from the original one! I don’t know if it’s just me lmao, but kid Tsukasa looks more “chill” (?) from teen Tsukasa.

Proofs are clear in the chapters:

he asks Kou to hold hands, which is unexpected by him since he never held back hands with anyone as we see in various arts of AidaIro (Example: when Amane and Tsukasa held hands at the entrance of the school we see Tsukasa who didn’t hold back hands with Amane, and basically Amane is holding Tsukasa’s hand but it’s not mutual).

(Chapter 76 reference)

Or when he follows Kou while he could not care about him getting lost and not coming back, but Tsukasa offered him his help which is unexpected too. Even when he sobs because he fell several times, we never saw Tsukasa of the school sObBIng lmfaooo 😂

(Chapter 76 references)

Resumed, the Tsukasa we know is way more more more CHAOTIC, that is the reason why I think this kid hits completely different oof~

With that said, my theory is that Tsukasa wasn’t always unstable and still had his sanity back when he was a kid. But something or someone may changed him and his mental health started to decline. Maybe the “destroying his belongings” is a starting symptom meaning his mental health is already about to decline, maybe that something or someone already partially affected that kid we see in the Red House but not at the point of him losing his sanity yet? THIS IS INTRIGUING GEEZ!

And here we can reconnect of why Amane killed him: several people says it’s because of (TW) Tsukasa ab*sing him... but is it really true? It’s not confirmed yet. Tsukasa may had lost his sanity as we saw but not at the point of hurting his own brother? We saw that Tsukasa loves his brother, he would even jump and hug him everytime they see each other. Maybe the reason why Tsukasa seems to consider him as an arch-nemeses, like he said in the Tea Party Arc, is because his brother always obstacles him everytime Tsukasa does what he retains to be “the best to do”, and that’s why ever since the moment he was alive he didn’t like it, he didn’t like when Amane stopped him from reaching his own purposes, knowing that I don’t think Amane would’ve provoked him any further. Like we see in the Star Festival Arc: little Amane is shown to not provoke Tsukasa stating he would’ve throw a fit if he did so. That’s why I don’t think Amane provoked Tsukasa at the point of (TW) ab*se.

Of course Tsukasa there might have been 7-8 years old (grade elementary school kid) judging by his brother’s aspect he was a little more older than the Tsukasa of the Red House, meaning that Tsukasa was already drastically changing from that age, showing a more violent attitude (?)

(Chapter 38 reference)

Anyways, looking foward to theorize more about this and discover something more about the huge secret behind the twins!

2. We’ll see Nene’s POV

This is one thing which I strongly hope happens in the next chapter.

I read so many theories where they said that “thing” who took Nene might brought her to the other side, in other words the far shore.

Just one thing bugging me: only people who are already dead (or the ones who are half mysteries, like Akane or who have an high spiritual power, like Kou or Teru) can access to the far shore where all apparitions lies.

(Chapter 71 reference)

As we saw with Aoi when n^6 took her to the other side in order to plug the hole using Aoi as a kannagi (since she’s from Akane’s family). She already died at that very moment when n^6 took her away.

In fact, the reason why she could see Akane that time, before she was taken away, was because she was already going to die... or maybe Aoi pretended not seeing supernaturals, but in reality could see them from the beginning.

However, we know Aoi’s goal was to die to begin with, as we saw from chapter 69 where she always felt to be treated differently from others whenever they learned her true nature stating that everyone always lied to her, she wanted to disappear equal meaning of dying (another reason why she was always involved with supernaturals and knew too much about them).

(Chapter 69 reference)

But it’s true that this was Hanako’s plan all along (as we see in chapter 71) in order to grant Nene’s wish, Aoi was sacrificed and died in her stead (which is really sad though).

(Chapter 71 reference)

From all of this I doubt Nene will die since she has Aoi’s lifespan: what if she didn’t go in the far shore but she went in another part of the house or an “hidden place”?

It is really probable though!

It’s true that we don’t know the exact position of the house right now, since it’s cursed we saw in a panel a real big fish passing by the window. It seemed like it was swimming in the water so it does seem like outside of the house there is water.

(Chapter 77 reference)

Water is present only when we’re in a boundary, but boundaries are closed right now, because of the separation between apparitions and humans. This house it’s only a connection to a boundary most likely the twin’s boundary, that’s why outside of the house there’s water: we are slowy arriving to discover the hidden truth which lies behind the house equal meaning we’ll discover where n^7 boundary is.

This place is only a way to reach a connection with mystery n^7, as we know Nene, Kou, Teru and Akane’s goal is to discover the connections with all the mysteries and by that bringing them back.

This said, I think Nene probably went in an unknown place of the house and that’s where she might makes some encounter with a certain someone... imagine the house split in 2: one where Tsukasa and Kou are, the other one where Nene went and where the other twin might be.

The house grants wishes exactly like the twins do, so it is really a possibility that both of the twins are there but separated from each other.

Although, I’m still unsure if Amane is really in the house or if there’s an Amane as a kid. We see in a panel the house is like an huge labyrinth as it is obviously playing with Kou.

I don’t know, this is hella confusing, but I can’t wait to discover more!

There might be a part 2 of this analysis, I’ll try to continue it!

Yeah, this made more sense in my head and now I made the whole thing messy sorry > _ <

#toilet bound hanako kun #jibaku shonen hanako kun #hanako kun #jshk analysis #analysis #tsu’s theories

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purplesurveys · 2 years

Text

1388

Which fictional character can you not stand? I know Friends fans universally hate Emily, but Janine from Friends was also unbelievably annoying and I usually skipped her scenes. I also remember groaning every time a scene with Todd would come up on Breaking Bad.

What was the one subject in school that frustrated you because you just couldn’t process it? Chemistry. I don’t think I ever got a grade above 90 in it, ever.

What do you spend too much money on? K-Pop merch and food deliveries.

What’s the weirdest compliment you’ve ever gotten? I don’t get a lot of weird ones, actually. Or maybe I do and I’m just good at forgetting them as soon as I receive them, lol.

What is an occupation that you would like to do just for one day if you had the chance? I’d love to try being a museum curator.

What do you think people have an unnecessary stick up their ass about? Refusing to recognize trans and non-binary individuals.

What common advice do you think never works? “Everything will work out” or anything along those lines. I appreciate when people want to stay positive for me, but sometimes it’s just more helpful to be realistic.

What’s the best movie without a happy ending? Requiem For A Dream or Revolutionary Road are my go-to sad movies.

What is something you think is actually better about today’s generation? We pay attention to mental health and take it a lot more seriously. We had literally zero resources for MH when I was in grade school and high school, and it sucked not having that kind of support.

What movies has a worse love story than Twilight? Yo don’t hate on Twilight my dude. Anyway, I hated The Notebook but I guess it’s mainly because I found the screenplay so flat and the acting wooden, so it’s not really the story’s fault.

What seems obvious to you that doesn’t seem to be for other people? Using people’s preferred pronouns.

If your partner in the zombie apocalypse was the main character of the last movie you watched, would you survive? I don’t have a partner.

What’s the worst episode of your favorite TV show? Honest to god I don’t think I can give you a single bad episode of Breaking Bad. I know people like to hate on Fly though; it’s definitely an acquired taste but I personally found the episode just fine.

You can pick two artists to do a song together, dead or alive, but they have to be from different genres. Who do you pick and why? I feel like RM and Hayley Williams could come up with a depressing banger. On my end I would fucking choke and die too if that ever happened LOL

What is something you would never buy again, even if you were rich? That’s a good question. I remember coming across this coffee shop that had really nice interior and their food shots also looked super appetizing - but they ended up having the worst ribs or whatever it was I ordered from them. I wouldn’t buy from them again especially if I had other options.

What do you do regularly despite it being considered very unhealthy or unsafe? I have one meal a day and don’t really drink water until the evening.

What is something that most people find attractive in a person that you find unattractive? Idk, maybe abs? I don’t necessarily find them unattractive, but they’re just something I can live without lol.

Do you ever use facial masks or scrubs? I use face masks but not regularly. Only when I feel like pampering myself, which is rare because I like to be quick when cleaning myself.

What do you think of the recent trend of adult coloring books? It’s not really ‘recent’ anymore as it’s been around for a while, but I love them. I’m terrible at committing to full pages and have never even completed coloring a full image, but they’re nice outlets to have around when I need to calm down or whatever.

Which fictional character do you think you’d be great friends with? Mr. Peanutbutter from BoJack Horseman. And maybe Rachel from Friends; I feel like I’m most similar to her out of the six.

What would you do if you found out your toys came to life similar to Toy Story? Apologize for being terrible at cleaning up my room, haha.

Do you own any cook books? No, not me. But my dad - who’s a chef - has several.

Is there anything that you’d like to eat right now? I guess this calls for story time! Hahaha so for context I’m currently handling a fast food brand’s campaign and here in the Philippines they’ve just launched a new limited-time offer line-up of products. I was provided with some of the meals today to try them out, but I just can’t enjoy it fully since it’s the very campaign that’s currently causing me the most stress at the moment, lmao. So as much as I’d love to open up my burger and start digging in, I have to calm down and de-stress tonight first before I enjoy it.

What book are you currently reading? Not reading anything.

What is something that you believe in, but aren’t very outspoken about? I’m not sure about beliefs per se but I never talk about my interest in punk rock around people just because the topic never comes up.

Do you think weird it’s for someone to have never tried soda? Mmm, not really. Some people may have been told from the start that they’re prohibited from soda, like for health reasons, so that makes it less surprising to me. I didn’t even try sipping soda semi-regularly till my late teens, so.

Is there any foreign film you recommend? I mean I guess even American films are technically foreign to me hahaha but for non-American ones, I recommend Portrait of a Lady on Fire, which is French.

do you have the same religious beliefs as your parents? Not the same as my mom. I’m not sure what my dad’s religious beliefs are, actually. I know he was atheist in college, but idk if that has since genuinely changed because of my mom or if he’s just hiding his atheism to this day.

which floor of your house/building are you on now? First floor, in the living room.

are there any maps hanging in your room? Nope.

are you often a third wheel? or is someone a third wheel to you? Yeah haha I’m pretty much Angela and Hans’ official third wheel. I honestly don’t mind it; hanging out with them feels more like hanging out with two good friends rather than feeling like sticking out like a sore thumb.

what’s the last dvd you bought? I haven’t bought a DVD in a long while, but I’m gonna guess the last one I got was a Classic Hollywood movie from like 2013.

tell me about your favorite pair of jeans. They’re high-waist blue denim jeans.

would you ride a motorcycle if given the chance? (or have you?) Yeah, if it was being driven by someone else who knows how to ride one.

is your hair healthy? Well I just bleached the whole thing a month ago so I wouldn’t call it healthy, lol. But even pre-bleach, my hair has already long been dry and frizzy. It’s not my favorite feature.

if a hotel offered free breakfast in bed, what would you order? Eggs Benedict and a cup of coffee. And some croissants on the side.

how often do you take a train? Never. I’ve only done it once and it was back in like 2017 or whatever.

what’s your favorite led zeppelin song? I don’t have one.

does your home have a balcony/deck/porch? We have a balcony and rooftop, but no porch.

what does your closet/wardrobe say about you? That I’m not a big shopper.

do you enjoy theatre? No.

how would you feel about traveling abroad alone? It seems scary but I do want to try traveling to a different country on my own at least once, just to say I’ve gotten to do it. But I preferably would travel with at least one other person hahaha.

who would you call a lyrical genius? Kim Namjoon.

how do you treat yourself? Through food and ignoring work messages that come in.

do you have an interesting passport? Eh not really. I never customize it or buy holders for it.

are you going to pursue a career according to what you enjoy? I mean, I guess I can say I’m working my way through it. PR has been a lot of fun, but it would be cool to do in-house PR for a brand that I really like, rather than being in an agency and not really having full control of the brands I handle. Like if I got to do comms for wrestling?? Dream come true.

what happens to your old clothes? Hand them down or share them with family members.

what’s your favorite frozen treat? I don’t like super cold desserts, actually. Though there’s this local brand that offers crunchy coffee-flavored popsicles and I love that a lot.

who supports you financially? My parents and myself.

if you wanted to go to the movie cinema, how would you get there? It’s a 5-minute drive away since I live super near a mall.

how many pillows are on your bed? Two pillows and a couple of stuffed toys/plushies.

would you pay more for organic food? No.

have you ever had a crush on a sibling’s friend or a friend’s sibling? Nope.

do you prefer being awake after everyone goes to bed or before they get up? I’m always doing both, haha. My body clock just rejects sleep.

do you know much about feng shui? (do you use it?) A bit because there are a lot of people here that are of Chinese origin, and no I don’t believe it.

how would you make friends in a quiet class? I honestly never cared about making friends in class haha. The only thing I cared about was to make sure I have the right notes and to complete the class with a high mark.

are you generally a quick learner? Depends. I’m not always.

what’s your favorite spot to read? In bed or on the couch.

did you know that buddha is not considered a god to buddhists? Yep. do you save tickets from movies, etc.? I try, but I’m terrible at not losing things.

without looking him up, who was jim morrison? The singer from The Doors. < There we go then, hahaha.

when’s the last time your bedroom was painted/wallpapered? We never had it repainted from when we moved in, soooo the last time would’ve been back in either ‘07 or ‘08.

teach me something in another language. “Pagod na ako” means I’m tired in Filipino.

what type of music do you like and why? Synth pop, dream pop, indie pop. They’re relaxing.

if you randomly want to eat something in the house, do you eat it or wait? Idk, depends how desperate I am for food.

who knows the most about you (besides yourself)? Angela and Andi.

do you have a nervous habit? (e.g. biting nails, tapping feet, smoking) I tinker with my nails a lot.

how’s your favorite pro sports team doing lately? I don’t stan a team.

would you be/are you a good role model to a younger sibling? I mean I try to be, but I know I’m not perfect. I try to shield my sister from shit though, like if I can tell one of my parents is going through something - I try to distract her from those.

#survey #surveys

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crystalwolflite · 3 years

Text

I HIT THE JACKPOT!

WHOO! Now let’s see if my theory was correct.

Some new info we have is that Ave 1 means the average of the last 2 months, so it makes sense that it changes, but Ave 2 is the average of when they first started, which is age 4, and I’m guessing the average of the first 2 months cause the 4 yrs that take tests also have 2 different averages.

Idk if that made sense.

Anyways, lets figure out who’s gonna die hehehe

Norman- all 300s. He's a genius and the best product Grace Field has ever had. Yada Yada Yada. Y'all already know

Ray- His average of a 4 yr old was 292. Mr. EmoBoi is a genius as well, he just needed time to get all 300s.

Emma- her average of a 4 yr was 265. Mrs. Smarty Pants wasn’t close, but wasn’t far behind Ray. With Ray’s guidance, Emma finally started making perfect scores. That's my tangerine!

Gildia- her average as a 4 yr old was 231 which is about behind Emma. What the hell happened? She now has an average of 205 which isn’t bad, but damn.

Don-His average of a 4 yr old 228, which isn’t bad either. He’s now at 198. Same with you beanhead

Lani- his average as a 4 yr old was 173. (192 now) He’s doing pretty well, even though he's labeled as an idiot in the anime.

Anna- her average at age 4 is 180, but her average as of now is 181. She barely went up 0.03%.....how is she alive?

Nat-his average at age 4 was 178..his average now is 176. It makes sense that you shipped with Anna.

Thoma-His average of a 4 yr old is 157. He is now at 165. Even by a bit, he improved unlike some ppl.

Dominic -His average of a 4 yr old is 132, his score is 154 which is good, but needs to get better. I’m pretty sure that he would be the next shipment.

Conny- Her average as a 4 yr old was 98, which is pretty bad but he improved A LOT unlike some ppl.

Phil-his average as a 4 yr old was 160, he is still 4 but his recent scores are an average of 195 which is very good! That’s my jawline boi (check last epi of s2 to know what I’m talking about)

Rossi-159 was his average age of 4, now he is at 183 which is good. Yes Mr. BigHead Norman lookalike.

Sherry- My baby ginger! She started at 150 at the beginning of age 4, she is at 182 which is super good. She’s smarter than me.

Marnya- her average at 4 was 154, she is almost 5 so ab an average of 172 is still good. GO MISS CUTIE!

Jasper-152 was his average, his score has increased to 169. I don’t know or remember which one he is, but he's doing very well.

Yvette-159 was her 4 yr old average, She is now at a 166, which isn’t too bad, but you are letting 4 yr olds beat you

Naila-151 was her average when he first started testing. She is now at 165, which is fine. She’s 4(lookin 6) and doing her thang

Hans-160 to 162. Sir, pls dont turn into an Anna

Jemima- 143 to a 156. Girly, congrats you're not the dumbest. Get it, it makes sense because you're my favorite. (My theory was wrong, but I’m happy that its wrong cause I wouldn't want my baby to die).

Mark- His average of a 4 yr old was 130. He is now at 153. Mark, I would suggest to start loving tem grades, instead of food

Chris-137 to 151. Oh sugar honey ice tea it seems like we have a tie here.

Alicia-131-151 Miss girly, you better be pumping up those muscles cause someone is getting adopted.

Now Alicia and Chris are tied, but technically Alicia has improved more since age 4, which means Chris gets so say bye bye.

Basically If Conny was 5, Chris would leave.

Now my theory was ⅔ wrong. Mark was in the bottom 3, and he barely made it, but we aren't gonna take about that. I have another issue

Now I’m gonna argue and say that Conny did not deserve to get shipped out, and here’s why. How tf did Anna and Nat survive 3 yrs, and their scores have not increased more. Again, if Anna’s average at 4 was 180, and she is now at 181. Something ain’t right, same with Nat except the fact he went DOWN. I know Conny’s score was bad, but 98-120 is 22 point difference, which is good bc even Dominic who’s average at age 4 was 132, and he is now 154 which is the same difference as Conny.

Why eliminate someone with actual potential instead of someone who isn’t improving? Exactly the same with Nat except he is worse. He went down. That’s a red flag. They just keep eliminating ppl once they turn 6. They have no time to improve.

Now I’m not talking about Don and Gilda because their scores were in the 200s, and if your score is in the 200s, you should be set for life. They did terribly too, and I’m shocked because they could be at the same level as the trio, but hey I know they aren’t getting shipped out.

In summary, when the 5 yr old batch turns 6, Chris will get eaten first. I believe that Anna and Nat should have died instead of Conny. It would have made more sense.

#Connyshouldbealive

The End

Don’t believe me? Here’s where I got my info from: https://1000sunnygo.blogspot.com/2021/01/the-promised-neverland-fanbook-vol.html

#the promised neverland #grace field children #theory #tpn scores #tpn ray #tpn emma #tpn norman #tpn conny

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virtueangel · 4 years

Text

limitless.

chapter eighteen.

wc: 2,090. original publish date: november 12, 2020.

"Oh my god, finally," Vincent whines once JFK pulls his car into the parking lot.

"Hey, why are you complaining? I'm the one who just had to drive for three hours," JFK replies. "Besides, you could've chosen a closer destination."

Van Gogh gives Kennedy a warning glare. "Hey! No fighting today!"

John shrugs. "You started it."

Vincent takes a deep breath. "Perhaps we got off on the wrong foot." He unbuckles his seatbelt and leans across the centre console to give JFK a kiss on the lips, deep and slow.

Kennedy grins. "That's more like it."

The boys climb out of the car, and Vincent is immediately hit by a gush of icy wind. He pulls his letterman jacket tighter around himself, one hand flying up to his head to secure the bandages. His fiery orange hair dances in front of his eyes and whips him in the face. JFK smiles to himself, taking in the way the boy's freckles pop out against his flushed cheeks. He never really could deal with the cold.

"So, why'd you bring us to the ocean?" John questions, locking the car before turning back to Van Gogh. He bends an arm against his hip and holds it out to the smaller boy, who wraps his hands around his boyfriend's biceps. They step off of the concrete of the parking lot and onto the sandy beach, linked just like that.

"Because it's actually sunny today. I thought it might be nice."

JFK stifles a laugh, looking down at bundled-up Van Gogh. "And how's that working out for you?"

Vincent bats at Kennedy playfully. "Don't start with me."

JFK leads them down the beach, towards a huge, barnacled rock close to the shoreline. The sand is harder and wetter over here, which Van Gogh is grateful for. He doesn't like when the dry sand collects between the laces of his Keds. It's such a fuss to clean out and it always stains the white laces brown.

The ocean is calm, but small waves still lap at the sand. The water fizzes and leaves sea foam on the beach, bits of rocks and shells and plastic trapped in it. The waves crash in a syncopated fashion, the sound a low enough hum to fall asleep to. Vincent gazes out across the water, smiling reservedly at the view. The sun reflects off of the emerald water, and the ocean seems to last forever. He imagines walking right into the surf with his clothes and shoes on, letting the waves submerge him and pull him into the abyss. What a heavenly way to die.

"I wish I knew where my sketchbook was," he murmurs, delicate fingers still wrapped around JFK's bicep. "I don't think I'd draw this. It's too grand for that. I'd paint it."

"In your sketchbook?"

Van Gogh shrugs, eyes still taking in the ocean. "I don't have a canvas."

John grins, but not in his over-eager toothpaste model fashion. He grins in contentedness, in reservation, in affection, in... love. "I'll be your canvas."

Vincent turns to the boy, sure he's joking. "I'm sure you'd love having oil paint on your washboard abs."

JFK laughs and shakes his head. "You're probably right."

The two stand there for some minutes longer, just basking in the shimmering sun and letting their noses fill up with pleasantly salty air. It's been so long since either of them have gone to the beach. Exclamation! is a landlocked town in a landlocked state.

"Do you want to take a walk?" Kennedy whispers after a while, hesitant to break the silence.

"I think that would be okay."

They start walking, slowly. They haven't gotten very far when Vincent says, "Wait."

JFK stops. "What is it?"

Van Gogh unwraps himself from John and bends down to untie his Keds. He slides his shoes off of his feet, hopping on one foot as he takes his socks off. He balls his socks up and places them in his shoes.

"You wanna carry those...?" Kennedy starts.

Vincent shakes his head and tucks them into a split in the rock. "You wanna take off yours?"

JFK bends down to untie his sneakers. He pulls his socks off, not bothering to remove them one at a time. He doesn't care if the bottoms get dirty. He balls the socks up and shoves them into his sneakers before handing them to Van Gogh, who stacks them up next to his own shoes in the rock crevice.

They resume their walk. Vincent slides his hand down JFK's arm until it meets with the taller boy's hand, warm and rough against his small palm.

"Your fingers are so long," JFK says.

Vincent giggles nervously. "That's such an odd comment to make."

John shakes his head lightly. "It's not a bad thing."

"I like the way my hand fits in yours," Van Gogh says.

JFK smiles, his insides melting, warm and gooey like a fresh chocolate chip cookie. "Good, because I like the way your hand fits into mine."

Vinnie speaks after a while, the fizz of the sea foamy waves suddenly deafening in the silence. "Can I ask you something?"

"Okay."

Van Gogh takes a deep breath, letting the rise and fall of his chest soothe him. "What's your favourite thing about me?"

Jack grins. "My favourite thing about you?"

Vincent nods.

JFK goes silent, taking a moment to think before answering. "There isn't just one thing."

"You can give me more than one," Van Gogh says, hoping he doesn't sound too hopeful as his mouth pulls into a giddy smile.

"I like the way you look in the mornings, when I wake up and you're still asleep. I like the way your hair falls over your eyes and the way the t-shirt you sleep in is too big for you and the sleeves go all the way down to your elbows. I like the way your cheeks flush pink in the cold, and I like the way you tie your shoelaces. I like the way you can focus so hard on the book you're reading that you don't even notice the world around you. It's like your book is your world. I wish I could do that. Fall into something, the way you do."

"It gets boring after awhile," Vincent offers. "Or sometimes I get too lost and it's jarring when you say my name."

"Well," JFK starts. "I'm sorry."

"Is that it?" Van Gogh asks after a second. "Those are all the things you like about me?"

JFK smiles. He opens his mouth and closes it, trying words out on his tongue before saying them out loud. "I like watching you when you pick at your nails. I know you probably don't mean to do it, but... I don't know. I guess there's this fluidity about it. Your fingernails are so healthy and long, it's just... god, I don't know. This is kind of embarrassing." The taller boy laughs at himself, his cheeks turning pink.

Gogh blushes. "You can keep going, if you want to."

John laughs goodheartedly, but intends to continue nonetheless. He's not done. He won't be done for a while. Every thought he's ever had about Van Gogh rushes back into his head -- they've been best friends since they were in grade school. But they were never really just friends, were they? All those Friday nights that JFK would spend at the boy's house keeping him company while his parents were away; all those times Vincent would call him in the middle of the night, begging him to come over because he couldn't fall asleep in an empty house and how JFK would always going over, no matter how late it was -- none of that is something just friends do. He thinks about every time Vincent's gaze would linger on him a split second longer than normal and how he always pretended not to notice. He thinks about how Vincent's is the only contact in his phone that is a nickname followed by a string of emojis instead of a mundane first and last name. He thinks about how he took books off of Vincent's bookshelf without asking just because he wanted to read the same words the boy had, just because he wanted to know his fingers were grazing over spines that Vincent's had. He thinks about the times he'd let Vincent paint his nails, about the times he'd let Vincent pick out his outfits for school. How both of them had thought their relationship was a friendship that everyone had -- how they'd neglected to pick up on the signs that everyone else had noticed long ago.

"I like the way you wear a yellow raincoat and matching rain boots when it's wet outside. I like the way you always put the pillows on your bed in the same arrangement, and I like the way you dance to music even when it's playing through your earbuds. I like the way you mouth the words to the book you're reading when you're concentrating really hard. I like the way you hold your pencil when you're drawing, like it'll float away if you loosen your grip even a little bit. I like the way you bend over when you're writing -- really writing -- with one elbow bent on the table and your fingers threaded through your hair. I like the way you actually use one of those little plastic hourglasses with the yellow sand in it to time yourself while you're brushing your teeth. I like the way you're the only person I know who actually brushes their teeth for two minutes."

This last part earns a stifled laugh from Van Gogh.

"But most of all, I like the way that you sing along to music in the car, how you keep your voice low because you don't want me to hear you but of course I still can anyway."

"Do I sound horrible?"

JFK shakes his head. "No."

Van Gogh smiles, looking away. He's never felt like this before, like... he's exactly where he's supposed to be. He isn't worried about being left alone on Friday nights, or insecure about the way he constantly reorganises his bedroom. For once in his life, he doesn't feel uncomfortable or like he needs to run away. He wants to fall, fall into JFK, and he doesn't need a rope for security.

"The ocean is freezing cold," Vincent says, because that's the only sentence he can reach for.

Kennedy grins and slides his arms out of his letterman jacket. He pulls his red and white striped sweater over his head next before unzipping his khakis. He stands in front of Vincent wearing only his white t-shirt and underwear. Vincent sighs and takes off his own layers until his outfit matches JFK's, and they walk into the surf, hand in hand.

"Jesus fuck, Jack," Vincent exclaims, a salty wave pushing into his thighs.

JFK wraps his arms around Vincent, pulling the boy close. Van Gogh buries his face in John's t-shirt, now soaked and smelling of salt. He doesn't mind, though. He'll take whatever warmth he can get.

Kennedy rests his chin on Van Gogh's head, kissing the boy's bandage every once in a while. He shivers a little bit, but he ignores the cold setting into his skin. He pulls Vincent closer, and the boy wraps his arms around JFK's midsection. John gazes out across the water as Van Gogh shuts his eyes against his boyfriend's chest.

The world is silent except for the calm lapping of the waves and the fizzing of the sea foam. Except for the temperature of the water, it is perfect -- no freights honking in the distance, no seagulls screeching overhead. Vincent slides his hands underneath JFK's shirt, feeling the warmth radiating off the skin of his back. His pale legs turn even paler as they erupt in goosebumps, but there's nowhere he'd rather be.

JFK lets out a low laugh from his throat, and Vincent draws back from his chest.

"What?" He asks, looking up at the boy.

John's face falls soft, and his bottom lip surrenders to the faintest trace of a quiver. "I'm in love with you."

Van Gogh shifts his bodyweight and leans back, curving his chin up so his mouth meets JFK's. They share a kiss, deep and slow, the salty ocean burning their bare thighs.

"I was hoping you might be."

It's the closest thing to I love you that he's ever given anyone.

#limitless.#clone high #clone high jfk #clone high van gogh #jfgogh

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seaofthemind-art · 4 years

Text

The “Abuse” Trope in MCU Spider-Man Fan Fiction: Part 1

[Edit Note: This first post completely missed my point, and as such is now being continued in "Part 2". I have made several edits and additions to this post for coherence between the two.]

I became interested in these tropes partly due to what seemed to be its abundance within the fandom. Re-reading several stories recently led me to consider how this trope has been handled in the fandom, its variations and ways that it has been turned on its head, as well as stories ideas that have not been explored yet to my knowledge.

Within the "Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)" category on AO3 there are several overarching areas that would come under the trope of abuse.

To put it in context, on the 26th October 2020 there was 28,637 works in the category; this included 626 stories tagged as "child abuse", a total of more than 2% of the stories. Of course, as we well know, tagging on AO3 is not consistent: there will be "abuse" stories which do not use this tag, whilst the tag may also be referring to a range of characters' situations (ie: Tony's childhood, Flash's backstory, OC characters). However, for these posts I'm going to look at stories related to Peter's experiences.

For all the "popularity" of these stories in the fandom, it is just an example of what are wide spread tropes across media. TV Tropes lists several related tropes including Abusive Parents and Foster Kid, showing that it is not only this fandom in which it is common.TV Tropes also makes a good point in its Sliding Scale of Parent-Shaming in Fiction, in that: what one person classes as abusive behavior may be perfectly acceptable to another.

Major Plot Categories

One of the common targets for this trope is "May's Abusive Boyfriend", which seems to have grown in popularity in the last year as Endgame has provided a convenient set-up for this trope:

the second law of thermodynamics by extraordinarythings

"It happens the same way it always does. (It's just discipline. It's not that bad. It's fine, Peter is fine, he'll be fine--). Except he really isn't fine, and Tony knows something's up, and Peter's house of cards is falling apart, and so the story goes."

Who Saves The Hero by CamelotQueen

“May brings home her new boyfriend. Something about him makes Peter feel nervous, but he makes May happy. And if May's happy, then Peter is happy. Then it escalates.”

Fear all else but never me. Please. by Webtrinsic

“May's new boyfriend proves himself to be a grade A-asshole when he decides to abuse Peter. And that doesn't sit well with Tony at all.”

i get by (but it’s eating me alive) by Livinei

““Do you not want to be home?” Tony starts. “No.” Tony considers for a moment. Peter’s never not wanted to be home. Not before… Now that he thinks about it, he doesn’t know a lot about David. Peter doesn’t bring him up a lot, and when he does then he’s not very eager to discuss it for long. Tony hasn’t gotten an impression that Peter’s particularly fond of the guy, though.”

The Homes We Make by iamq

“Peter Parker isn't the type of boy to run crying to Tony Stark because he can't handle a punch. Michelle Jones and Ned Leeds aren't the type of friends to ignore Peter's rapidly declining health. Eugene "Flash" Thompson isn't an idiot.”

to this day by hopeless_hope

“It's months before anyone realizes May's boyfriend abuses Peter. The effects are lasting.”

Promotions Aren’t Always A Good Thing by Agib

“When May gets a new boyfriend, Peter's okay. When Carter moves in, he can deal. When May gets a promotion so she works days and Carter works nights, Peter finds it harder to deal. When Carter starts abusing him, he begins to feel crushed by the weight of it all.”

The Black And The Blue (All That It Takes Out of You) by Buckets_of_Stars

“David wasn't a person Peter would ever want to be around, but with him being May's new boyfriend and all, it makes it harder and harder to avoid him. But it was fine, May was happy and of course, Peter still has Tony. But that was before the hitting started. Before David spit neglectful words in his face and the spiderling begins to question his very worth.Tony, on the other hand, is not having it.”

Vertigo by GalaxyThreads

“Coming back from the dead wasn't nearly as awesome as TV made it out to be. Peter's learning this on the go. And it really doesn't help that May's new husband absolutely hates him. And that May is pretty ignorant of that and him now. But it's all fine. Really.”

Your Heart Changed (mine stayed the same) by @loboselinaistrash [WIP]

"Peter Parker is back but 5 years into the future and the world has changed. Peter goes home with May only to find she had moved on, with a husband and two kids. Peter struggles to find his place in this new family with a strict step uncle, the longer he's there the harder he finds it to stay on his good side, uncertain if May will believe him."

A Peter Parker Problem by @spagbol99 [WIP]

"Peter comes back to find May has a husband and a kid. A new family he has to fit into. But he has done it before, he can do it again. The only thing that feels solid is Tony: the Blip and fatherhood have mellowed him and Peter loves the bond they have now. He knows Tony would be there for him through anything. But Tony needs to focus on his own recovery - not small time Peter Parker problems. When things at home take a turn for the worse, Peter decides that he'll handle it himself. He is Spider-man. He's been to space and fought aliens. He can get through anything. After all, if May is happy, he is happy, right? Right?"

This premise has been turned on it's head by a couple of authors with the straight opposite of this trope in "May has a new boyfriend who is decent (and confused)":

The Secrets We Keep by @euphoric-melancholyy

"May has a really awesome, loving boyfriend who's just a little confused as to why she lets her teenage son stay out til 1 every night and sleep somewhere else every weekend. Also, he’s friends with Tony Stark? Chris - May’s new boyfriend - feels like he’s missing something here."

A Good Kid by kuragay

"Ricky thinks that May's an exceptional woman, and he thinks that Peter's an exceptional kid. But there's no denying that the Parker household is full of mysteries, and most of them are centered around Peter and his supposed internship with Tony Stark."

Then there has also been several stories changing the abuser, such as in the concept of "What if May (or Ben) is the abusive carer?":

Brooklyn by @hailing-stars [part of a longer series]

"After leaving Peter with Tony and months of no contact, May shows up in Peter's life again, interrupting Tony's plans to adopt him. Peter has to decide who he wants to live with, but soon learns the decision may really not be his."

Parker Luck by CreepyLittleLullaby

"He never met one, he got left behind by the other, the next one died, and the only one he had left was pushing him away. And he doesn't know what to do. Peter really has rotten luck when it comes to parental figures. No matter how hard he tries. Parker luck will always prevail."

Please, Understand by jipseebree

"When Aunt May discovers that he's Spider-Man, something inside her snaps. She starts to abuse him and he deserves it, doesn't he? After all, people have died because of him. People who wouldn't have died if he was a better hero."

Spiders hunt alone, anyway by karma_is_a_turtle [WIP]

"Ben’s death hits the Parker family hard, May worst of all. May Parker struggles to cope with her husband’s death and her nine-year-old nephew grows up learning how to pick up her slack."

Always Silent, Peter Darling by LlibLo

“After a traumatic experience at age 6, Peter Parker hasn't spoken a word. Most blame it on the fact that he witnessed his Uncle die in a horrible fire, this is only partly true. Now, almost 10 years later Peter is given the chance to finally speak, but will he take it? Or is the fear of his Aunt to much for him to take that chance? Either way, Tony Stark can tell something's not quite right about the kind hearted May Parker.“

It’s All Just Static In My Head by Blue__Dreams

“And then May was shot. Foolishly, childishly, Peter hoped Iron Man would swoop in and save the day again. He hoped and hoped and hoped. And Ben drank and drank and drank. As Ben grew worse, and their fridge grew empty, as Peter’s face became more bruised, and his powers grew, Peter realized, you can’t depend on superheroes. So Peter created his own hero - Spiderman.“

I told you I had issues by Bergen

“Tony Stark, genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, and right now, a little exasperated. Because some guy is swinging around New York, shooting webs and making trouble, Fury is breathing down his neck, and his latest intern took off with his coupon for a free coffee.“

Another focus for the abuse trope are the "Skip Wescott" stories, which take their concept and the character from a one-shot from the comics. @irondadfics has a good rec list for this. Many of the stories take it further than the comic that inspired them, and within the fandom it has also become common to see it re-mixed in variations of “Abused by Other Person of Authority” AKA: Babysitter/Teacher/Foster Carer/etc.

Although Skip is a common character for authors to use when they need a character as the abuser who isn't a complete original character, both original characters do appear as well as other characters from within the MCU.

The Third Option by Uncertainty_Principle

“Ben and May divorced before Peter’s parents died, so when Ben is murdered Peter goes into foster care. It takes just a tiny taste of superpowers for Peter to decide he doesn’t want to put up with his horrible foster father anymore—the streets are infinitely more appealing. All he wants is to be Spider-Man anyway.“

take a look at me now, there's just an empty space by @lyssismagical

“As much as Peter does want to disappear to his bedroom and avoid the awkward attempts at a one-sided conversation or inquiries about the life Tony’s read about, he craves the closeness to another person. The last time he felt properly close to someone was May. Every home in between had people who tried or people who didn’t, either way, it never felt the same. He was just another mouth to feed, another set of house visits and questionnaires from Elaine, another troubled kid under their roof. He was never treated like a human being, like a kid.“

Like A Flame That Flickered Out Too Soon... by @mysterycheerio

““He did this to you?”. Peter nodded. “And this is why you haven’t been talking?”. Another nod. Tony left the room in a hurry. Peter didn’t know where he went. Pepper knew. Rhodey knew. The whole damn neighbourhood around Stark Mansion knew, his yells were so loud.”

The Education Complication by Buckets_Of_Stars

“When young Peter Stark was diagnosed with Asthma, he was given two very important rules to always follow: 1. No long distance running. 2. Always have your inhaler with you. But when a new Gym Teacher with a hatred toward Iron Man gets hired, the 13 year old is going to find that following these two simple steps has never been more difficult.”

This is just a selection of the stories which can be found on AO3, from which it should be already clear that these cover a wide range of treatments of the subject.

Across all the categories, the reactions of characters to the abuse is varied; as well as some notable omissions in the range of stories.

This we will look at in Part 2.

#fan fiction #fan fic rec #story ideas #mcu #irondad #fanfic recs #spider-man #fan fiction reviews #tropes #now a multi-part discussion #too much time reading fan fiction

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yodawgiherd · 3 years

Text

Thunderspear

>>>Read on AO3<<<

I totally forgot to crosspost the new chapter of my story yesterday, blame the leaks and the memes that those created :D

The hospital was busy, as it always was, yet Eren had trouble focusing. Here he was, back as functioning member of society after having a hedonistic break over the weekend. Sure, he lost the endurance contest to Mikasa but with her being an Ackerman and a professional athlete he would lie in saying that he didn’t see it coming. Then again, who cares who won, when the free time was spent doing what they were doing. Mikasa made even eating fun, and Eren smirked when he remembered licking ice-cream from her defined abs yesterday evening. When she complained about the cold, he apologized like the perfect gentleman before dumping the next scoop right on her left nipple.

No, get these thoughts out, no more thinking about the pretty contrast they made, when his tanned skin rubbed against her porcelain one, or the stark difference between the blackness of the ropes and the whiteness of her body. It wasn’t easy for Mikasa either, half a city away, because keeping your mind away from the memories was nigh impossible. Eren was so good with the rope, he managed to create beautiful patterns while making it look so easy, effortlessly integrating other toys into it too. Among other things, it was the spreader bar between her legs, rope around her torso, and Mikasa remembered being unable to move an inch which put her straight to cloud nine. She tried returning the favor, but her ropework was clumsy at best and while she managed to restrain Eren, it was nothing compared to what he could do. He created art with her body and was damn proud of it too. Wanting to see herself from his perspective, Mikasa asked him to snap a few pictures of how she looked in those intricate designs, and she still had them saved on her phone. Scrolling through them while having a lunch break was far from the correct workplace etiquette, but Mikasa couldn’t help herself.

In the hospital, Eren was guilty of the same sin, sitting in the break room while his fingers gently stroked the screen of his phone. While Mikasa was swooning over his bondage skills, Eren told her that a great deal of the act was her doing too. It was Mikasa’s toned body that allowed him to create these beauties, bend her in all those angles knowing that she could take it. She was the perfect model, the peak specimen, with strong arms and legs, incredible thighs and all the lean muscles that bulged under her flawless porcelain skin, not even mentioning the ass that was to die for. She was so strong, yet so delicate, her trusting Eren enough to let him tie her up was a privilege he treasured. What an amazing experience that was, any time it happened.

God damn it, now he was sporting a boner in the break room. Eren mentally slapped himself with a clear message to his libido - back to work. He had a lot on his plate today, not only the usual but in the afternoon he was expected at Hizuru for a meeting with Kiyomi. Only a tad bit intimidated by the old lady, Eren was very glad that Mikasa promised to meet him in the lobby and show him the way because just seeing her filled him with strength. Other people had lucky charms, he had his wonderful girlfriend.

His shift went fine, with only Ymir and Onya doing some mocking comments when they noticed the bruises on Eren’s neck left behind by Mikasa’s affections, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle. Before long, he was on his way to the agency. Once there, it was the matter of finding a parking spot and going inside, and Eren entered the same world that Mikasa got into.

The lobby was big, much bigger than Eren expected. Luckily, he wasn’t forced to do such a humiliating thing as asking for directions because a familiar figure pushed herself from the receptionist’s desk, where she was leaning, to make a line straight for him. Mikasa looked a bit strange today, her clothes were done in a futuristic cut and the jacket even had small led lights in it. It did fit together with the red stripe in her hair, so whoever made the decision for her to dye it was good at his job.

“I take it that you are working on the cyberpunk thing today?”, he asked when she came closer.

“What gave it away?”, her lips, painted purple for some reason, curled upwards.

“A simple hunch, nothing more.”

She didn’t answer that. Instead, her hands, purple nails too, he noticed, sneaked up into Eren’s collar and pulled down. Yanked down to her height, he was assaulted by a kiss that was most definitely more than the usual “Hello” one. Not one to question his fortune, Eren surrendered to her, letting her tangle her deft fingers into his hair while he anchored himself on her hips. The futuristic jeans she was wearing had little cutouts there, allowing him to stroke her porcelain skin directly, so maybe cyberpunk wasn’t such a bad fashion trend after all. When they finally broke apart, Mikasa was still wearing the satisfied smirk on her lips.

“Any reason for this?”, he asked, getting a firm shake of her head in return.

Eren didn’t need to know about the dreamy look that entered the receptionist’s eyes when he walked in. He didn’t need to know about the “Damn” the woman muttered under her breath while devouring him with her gaze. He didn’t need to know any of these things.

“Nope.”, she thumbed the corner of his mouth, purposely smearing the lipstick stain she left behind even more, “I’m just happy to see you.”

With that, she grabbed Eren’s hand and pulled him behind herself, passing very close to the reception. Petty, but who cares. Together, they made their way up to Kiyomi’s office, with Mikasa effortlessly navigating through the many corridors of the building. Eren was quite sure that he would have gotten lost even after getting the directions, so he was very glad that his fiancé had decided to save him.

Kiyomi was sitting behind a large desk in a throne-like chair, evocating the feeling of a director at the center of her power. What Eren noticed was that there were several pictures of his fiancé over her office, in various clothes, even a framed photo on Kiyomi’s desk. Apparently, he was not the only one bewitched by the beautiful martial artist. Seeing the two of them enter, Kiyomi narrowed her eyes at Mikasa.

“I didn’t realize that you are Mr. Yeager’s mother, Mikasa. Or is there other reason why he needs you at our meeting?”

Taking the hint, the raven let go of Eren’s hand.

“I’ll take my leave, but please be nice to him.”

“When am I not nice?”

Mikasa chuckled at that, pressing one last kiss to Eren’s cheek before disappearing through the door. When he sat down, the first thing Kiyomi did was hand him a wipe, gesturing at his face.

“Your girlfriend left a mark.”

Blood rising to his cheeks, Eren quickly cleaned himself to the best of his ability, getting the purple away from his skin. When he was deemed clean enough, Kiyomi nodded in satisfaction, letting Eren take the word. Free to speak, he decided to straight on tell her what he thought about this whole thing.

“I just want to tell you that I’m not thinking about a career change, this is a one-time thing for me.”

“I understand that.”

“Good, so when do we start shooting?”

“Today? Oh no Yeager, today we talk.”

“What about?”

“You see…”, Kiyomi’s eyes were trained at him, piercing through the mind, “I believe that you should get the most fitting setting for your photoshoot that I can provide, considering it is, as you said, a one-time thing. I want to talk to you and know exactly what is best for you individually, what will help my photographer get the most out of you.”

“The way you say it, makes me think that there is a much more to this job than meets the eye.”

“Most definitely. Anyone can snap a few pictures but what I aim at is to know your soul.”

No, that was not creepy at all.

“Okay…”

Seeing that he was taken aback by her intensity, Kiyomi went on.

“Look at Mikasa and tell me who in their right mind would ever want someone like her to be a model.”

“Are you saying that she’s not pretty enough?”

Kiyomi shook her head.

“We both know that her body was never a problem and her face is flawless - Mikasa is physically perfect. Her mind, that is a different story altogether. She is too rigid to work with, too closed up.”, the old woman tapped the side of her head, “Still, I knew that there was a diamond hidden inside, and I commissioned my best digger to get it out. It took time and effort, I won’t deny that, but the results are oh so worth it.”

Sitting back, the tycoon continued.

“Mikasa is a beautiful soul, and while she has trouble expressing herself when she does the emotions are incredibly powerful. She isn’t my best girl just because of how she looks, but also because of how she can feel herself into the scene, only a few other models can do it so perfectly. I attended several of her photoshoots, and I agree with Dot when he says that Mikasa could be a grade-A actress if she put her mind to it.”

“I don’t think she would be into that.”

“I agree, that is too much exposure for her liking. But this job, this is just the right amount. Mikasa has fire in her, and she can be incredibly creative when she wants to, but she hides it. It’s the same thing as her beauty, she doesn’t flaunt it at all. I don’t think I remember a single occasion when Mikasa came to work wearing something else than comfortable clothes. Also, it doesn’t help that she keeps dressing in that long-dead style.”, Kiyomi pursed her lips, saying the next word as if it would be an insult, “Goth.”

“What’s wrong with being comfortable?”

“Some of us keep up with the fashion trends, it’s more or less expected in this business.”, she sighed, “I won’t lie, it changes so fast that it’s almost a suffering.”

While not so sure about the suffering, Eren was inclined to agree on that first part. Despite her being the ice queen and all, Mikasa could be very playful, if their private adventures were any indicator. Looking back, one could label them as dumb and childish, but he couldn’t care less. He had fun, Mikasa had fun, and damn what anyone else would think about it. They weren’t invited in the first place.

“Here,”, Kiyomi was just saying, “Look at these.”

She placed two photos in front of him, both of Mikasa. In one, she was wearing her workout gear, sports bra and shorts, with her fists raised. In the second, she was in that cyberpunk getup Eren just saw her in.

“This is the first photo we have of Mikasa,”, Kiyomi tapped the workout picture, “And the other is the last one so far. Can you see the difference?”

To an untrained eye, it wouldn’t be that obvious, but Eren was very familiar with Mikasa’s face. In the first one, she was still doubtful about this whole thing, her expression was tight and reserved, even though the clothes she was modeling were something she was wearing practically every day. In the last one, the raven was much more relaxed, leaning on a bike and looking into the camera with a cocky expression, one eyebrow raised.

“I can see that she is really into it now, that you’ve managed to dig out that diamond.”, he told Kiyomi, “But I still don’t know why you are showing me this.”

“So you can see for yourself that I’m not talking out of my ass. I really do want to capture you in your best light Eren, and I am very good at finding it. Trust me with this, I can make this whole thing work. If someone as reserved as your girlfriend could find working for me fun and fulfilling, why couldn’t you?”

The spark that was in Kiyomi’s eyes when she spoke about Mikasa made Eren wonder just how much the old woman loved her leading girl.

“You really like working with her.”

“And who wouldn’t? She is so inspiring! Martial arts were always dominated by men and for an understandable reason. The male body has much higher muscle mass than us women, they are built that much better for fighting.”, Kiyomi ran her hand down the framed picture of Mikasa, almost lovingly, “Yet there she is. Standing in the ring, head held high and fists raised, knocking anyone who tries her on their ass – man, woman it doesn’t matter to her. A female, yet destroying anyone and anything in her way, stronger and faster than a normal human being.”

Mikasa wasn’t lying when she said that Kiyomi can get excited rather easily. Her eyes were full of emotion when she spoke, voice filled with awe.

“She had to work that much harder to get where she is, to overcome the genetic difference, and she did it so perfectly. She is a goddess, Eren, a warrior like no other, and I hope you know that.”, suddenly, her eyes bore into his, “You are treating her with the respect she deserves, aren’t you?”

The chill that ran down Eren’s spine reminded him of the one he got any time Mikasa used her murderous glare at him. God damn it, were these two women related?

“O-Of course.”, he blurted, “She deserves only the best.”

“That’s correct.”

And just as it appeared, the look was gone and Kiyomi was once again an energetic old lady.

“It is very good to see that you understand just how incredible Mikasa is.”

“I know. Sometimes I wake up and wonder why an angel like her would ever grace me with her presence.”

“Would you say that she has a positive effect on your life?”

“I would say that she is the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Good, good. Looks like the boy was exactly as taken with Mikasa as Kiyomi wanted him to be, if there was one thing she despised it was ugly break-ups. Those always generated way too much of unwanted press, because journalists loved jumping at vulnerable young people and profiting from their misery.

“Ah, but don’t sell yourself that short.”

Eren’s brows furrowed.

“What do you mean?”

“You, my dear boy, are also fascinating.“

“Why is that? Last I checked I’m not knocking guys thrice my size down on their asses.”

“No, you don’t, but you have other qualities.”, Kiyomi leaned backwards in her throne-chair, “When I was signing Mikasa up, I had those closest to her checked out, so I know quite a bit about you.”

Eren couldn’t help but wonder at that.

“Checked out? Why?”

“I’m very careful about who I sign up to lead my collections. Any sort of past mistakes that could be dug up could end up hurting my brand. And nobody hurts my brand if I can help it.”

“Understandable.”

Kiyomi rewarded his open mind with a smile.

“Anyway, as I was saying, I know quite a bit about you.”, she pointed at him, the gold ring on her long finger glistening, “You were born into wealth, Eren, with the assets your father left behind you and Carla could have been sipping drinks at the beach while drowning in supermodels.”

“Technically, I have one at home now.”, Eren chimed in, but Kiyomi ignored that jab in favor of her narrative.

“But did either of you do that? No. Your mother started a charity and is working tirelessly for a better world while you chose one of the most stressful professions there is. Why?”

“I like helping people.”

“Because…?”

“The thought of someone being limited by an illness or an injury does not sit well with me. I want to free people from the burden, to help them live to their fullest. If that is not enough, then my father was also an inspiration, I wanted to follow in his footsteps.”

“That’s a noble goal.”

“I don’t see it like that.”

“Doesn’t make it any less noble.”

Eren shrugged, but Kiyomi didn’t mind. She already had all the info she needed.

“Eren, would you mind if we turned your photoshoot into a couple one?”

“What do you mean?”

“I think that it would go better if we let you and Mikasa work together, show some chemistry.”, Kiyomi leaned forward, “From what I’ve heard, I imagine that she is a very big part of your life.”

“She most certainly is.”

“Then would that be a problem?”

“A problem? No, of course not.”, Eren ran a hand through his hair, chuckling nervously, “Honestly, I’m relieved that she will be there with me.”

“Very good, then it's settled.”, standing up, Kiyomi offered her hand “Yelena will get in touch with you about the exact date.”

And after Eren shook it and left the office, she picked up her phone dialing a familiar number.

“Dot? I have the perfect setup for this thing. What? No. Shush and picture this - We are going to create a little apocalypse for them.”

A few days passed. The last preliminary match was done yesterday, and in all honesty it was fairly easy. Mikasa breezed through it and put her opponent on his back in just a few rounds, taking the first spot in the qualifier and solidifying her position in the Vegas finals. She didn’t get hit at all really, too fast for the poor guy, which meant that right the next morning she was back at the gym, working on herself. The door to the office opened and Levi emerged, crossing the distance to where she was. They nodded at each other in a form of greeting.

“Any tips about yesterday?”

“Not really, you breezed through the match exactly as I expected. The thing I came to talk to you about is that technique I asked you to develop, have you been working on it?”

“I did think about it, but I somehow can’t come up with anything I need.”, she sat up on the bench, eyes meeting Levi’s, “Any ideas?”

“That’s the thing, we reached the point where you have surpassed me when it comes to fighting.”

“What, you want to stop being my trainer?”

Levi barked out a laugh.

“Of course not, I’ll keep drilling you for a long, long time. But when it comes to this, I feel like it is something that you have to develop mostly on your own with only some tips from me.”

“Fine.”, Mikasa shrugged, “So, want to throw those my way?”

“First of all, I think that whatever you do, it has to be a kick, not a punch. For obvious reasons.”

It was easy to see what Levi meant. Kicks are inherently stronger than punches, and with the beasts Mikasa was about to face, she would need to deliver the most damaging hits she could do.

“Next,” Levi went on, “It should be aimed to surprise, to stagger and to crack the armor these guys have. Like Reiner, you’ve watched his matches right?”

“Yea, when he turtles, it’s like he’s not feeling the opponent’s hits at all.”

“That’s his thing, he calls it the “Armor”.”

“How does it work?”

“It’s quite simple. He’s a big guy, and with the muscles Reiner developed, he can shrug off anything that gets thrown at him in the ring. As long as he protects his vitals, which he does in that stance, he’s practically invincible. Too heavy to throw, too stable to trip. And don’t forget that he trains with Annie, so he won’t underestimate you. At all.”

“And the more you hit him, the more frustrated you get and open yourself up to counters.”, Mikasa added.

“Exactly. So you need something that will shatter his armor, get through that defense and allow you to do damage.”

A kick, one strong enough to get through Reiner’s armor. Mikasa felt like she could do it, but one doubt kept nibbling at the back of her mind.

“Won’t a kick open me up?”, she asked, “It’s a lot slower than a punch.”

“Not if you do it fast enough. Your speed is your best weapon, there is no way in hell you can match fighters like Reiner or Fahkumram in strength. You are already fast, but you need to be even faster and convert that into the kick – speed is force, after all.”

“All right, I’ll start working on it then. Oh, and shouldn’t a new technique have a name?”

Levi’s eyes that rolled up and the unamused look on his face gave her the answer even before he spoke.

“I feel like you are playing way too many videogames with Eren.”

But Mikasa wouldn’t be deterred so easily.

“How about Armor Cracker? Or…”, she tried a practice kick, the air whooshing around her leg, “Wind breaker?”

“That sounds like a fart.”

“You are not exactly helping.”, she frowned at her brother, “Come on, you must have some ideas.”

“A-really-fast-kick?”

“Levi, you have the imagination of a politician.”

Mikasa kicked the air again, thinking.

“Galeforce! Or Stridebreaker! Or…”

“Thunder Spear!”

Turning to where the voice came from, Mikasa saw Hange standing there with a huge smile plastered to her face.

“I LOVE creating new names, you have to let me have this one.”, she said, a polar opposite to Levi’s attitude, “It fits too, wouldn’t you say?”

Technically, Mikasa could see her legs as spears. And the power of the kick would have to be explosive to crack Reiner’s amor, and thunder was an explosive force. In short, it was a good name, fitting.

“All right, Thunder Spear it is then.”

Hange’s smile got even wider, but it was Levi who spoke.

“Fine, whatever. Now don’t forget to develop this Thunder Spear of yours, or Reiner will have a field day once you two meet in Vegas.”

The finals were creeping ever closer, and the monsters Mikasa had to fight would be all there, the ones she would have to defeat to reach the top. To do so, she would have to hone this Thunder Spear of hers to the highest possible quality.

Armin felt nervous when opening his email lately, the feeling caused by the several ongoing dialogues he had with various publishers. His book was finished, and now it was the time to see if anyone would print it. Eyes rowing over the lines of text, his blues widened when he read the title of his newest e-mail. Re-reading it, just to be sure, Armin felt a wave of excitement wash over him.

“You okay?”

The two words almost made him jump before he realized that Jean was there, looking at him over the rim of his notebook. They were spending a lot of time together lately, and while Armin had a suspicion that the entity of Eren and Mikasa asked Jean to keep an eye on him, he honestly didn’t mind. They haven’t talked much in college, since Armin was busy being the glue that kept his two best friends together and Jean was out doing his own thing. He learned a lot in a few days, about the career Jean made in marketing and the business he had set up, designed in a way that it was more-or-less autonomous at this point. As long as he had access to the internet, Jean could manage it from anywhere on the planet. Which meant that the move he had recently, one that was supposed to be a short-term before the whole thing with Hitch happened, didn’t affect him in the slightest.

Instead of answering the question, Armin turned his laptop towards Jean, letting him read the mail for himself.

“Finally! I knew this is going to happen! Who is that again…”, taking the name of the publisher, Jean ran it through the search engine, jumping a few websites to get an overall picture.

“Looks trustworthy, but their marketing is kinda ass. I’ll get int touch with them and see if they would like any help in that area.”

“You would do that?”

Jean smirked.

“Count on me Armin, I’ll make this thing into a bestseller.”

The moment they shared was interrupted when Armin’s eyes moved down to see the clock in the corner of his screen.

“Oh damn, I have to run, I have lunch with Mikasa.”

“Don’t let me keep you.”, Jean laughed, fingers dancing over the keyboard, “And say hello for me.”

One frantic car ride later, Armin was sitting at the restaurant and telling the exciting news to Mikasa.

“I had an e-mail from a publisher. Believe it or not, people actually want to print my book!”

“Why wouldn’t I believe it? I knew you had it in you Armin.”, she clapped him on the shoulder, enthusiastic, “That’s amazing news!”

“Thanks, I still have to wrap my head around it myself, that it’s happening. I wish I could take it as easy as Jean, the moment I told him he was already planning a marketing campaign for the book.”

“You should let him help, he’s a god when it comes to promotion, both Levi’s gym and the Third Wheel benefited from his work. In fact, I think that I have a gift for you too.”

“Really? It’s not even my birthday.”

“The billboard Kiyomi gave me, I want you to have it.”

“I couldn’t….”

Mikasa didn’t let him finish.

“I won’t take no for an answer Ar. I don’t need my face plastered all over it, it’s kind of strange driving past it on my way to the gym.”

“Can I even use it?”

“Why couldn’t you, it’s mine. I’ll talk to Kiyomi and have her set me up with the people who can change it properly.”

“I-… I don’t know how to thank you.”

“Then don’t. If your story will have success that’s more than enough for me.”

They talked about various things, catching up and whatnot. One question kept dancing in the back of the raven’s mind, the one that wasn’t satisfied, not even when Jean reported that Armin is doing great. Swallowing the food, Mikasa manned up and went for it.

“Have you thought about Annie?”

Slowly, Armin put down his fork and folded his hands, expression tightening.

“I did. But I still have no idea what to tell her once I see her again.”

The spark in Armin’s eyes, the want in his voice, it made Mikasa realize that she wasn’t completely honest with him about everything that transpired. He was one of her best friends, and he deserved to know the truth, despite how ugly it was. So, taking a deep breath, Mikasa pushed it out.

“There’s something you don’t know Ar… That night... I found Annie after saving you.”

“You did what?”

“ I was so angry, so pissed at her, I just had to see her. I found her in a park, we fought and I…”, Mikasa’s eyes dropped back to her hands, unable to meet Armin’s gaze.

“I almost beat her to death.”

“W-What?”

“I couldn’t stop myself. You almost… You nearly… We almost lost you Ar. I almost lost you. The pain in me was too fresh, too deep, I had to get it out.”, Mikasa’s voice was full of guilt and suffering when she continued, “You don’t even know how much I value you, how much Eren values you. You are incredibly important to us both.”, she clenched her fists under the table, “I know that this isn’t the high school, but I will do anything in my power to protect you, I’ll beat any bullies who dare hurt you.”

Despite all this, Armin could feel that Mikasa had more.

“There is still something you are not telling me.”, he said in a soft voice, making her nod.

“She came to the gym, a few weeks after the incident, said that she wanted to talk to you.”, Mikasa couldn’t meet Armin’s eyes, she stared at her hands instead, “I told her to fuck off. You were so vulnerable back then… I-I couldn’t let her hurt you again.”

“Hey, Mikasa? Look at me please.”

She did, fearful of what she will see in those ocean eyes. Armin had every right to hate her for what she had done, she overstepped her boundaries and in her overprotective manner sent Annie away. Yet what she saw wasn’t blame, and it felt like a giant weight off her shoulders.

“I wasn’t ready to see her back then, so I think that you acted right.”, he put his hand on the table in an offering that Mikasa took, covering his hand with her own.

“Thank you.”, Armin said, meaning every word, “Thank you for protecting me, and more importantly thank you for being honest.”

“I’m sorry..”

“Don’t apologize. What’s done is done, and now we can only move forward.”

Even embarrassed as she was, Mikasa had to smile at that.

“Move forward? Did you get that phrase from Eren?”

“He says that a lot doesn’t he. That and the thing with setting people free from their injuries, sometimes I feel like I’m talking to a….”

“Serial killer.”, Mikasa finished for him, “Eren does emit that feeling when he is like that.”

Thumbing the engagement ring on her finger, Armin had an idea.

“Tell me, if Eren was a serial killer, would you still date him?”

“Most likely, if he was as hot as he is now.”

Armin blinked up, looking at Mikasa’s face that was completely serious as she continued.

“After all, killing is probably not even that hard.”, she clicked her tongue, “I’d imagine it’s like slicing meat, and that is my specialty.”

She kept the straight face for another ten seconds, and each felt like an hour to Armin. Mikasa talking about murders was somehow terrifying, the look she had chilled him to the bone, and knowing that she is the strongest person he knew didn’t help. Just as he was about to start being seriously afraid, the expression broke and Mikasa laughed, hiding her mouth behind a hand.

“You should see your face!”, she squeezed out, “It’s so pale!”

Armin grumbled, pulling his hand back and overall acting hurt for about two seconds before Mikasa snapped a quick picture of him and damn, he really was pale.

“Keep the killing out of our conversation and we can have a nice lunch, what do you say?”

She smiled, picking up the fork again.

“Okay, but only because it’s you, Mr. Big-shot writer.”

He groaned, she laughed again but obeyed and kept the murderous references to the minimum. It was a nice day, yet she had no idea what the night had in store for her.

Mikasa woke up in cold sweat, her hand automatically reaching over to the other side of the bed only to find it empty. The rush of fear that jumped up in her heart threatened to overwhelm her completely, to make her scream out in panic before Mikasa’s brain started working. Eren was at work, pulling a night shift. He would come back in the morning. There was nothing to be scared about. Breathing, in and out, she pulled her legs to her chest and hugged them, forming a small ball. Here, hidden inside herself, she could shield her thoughts from the outside world and replay the nightmare in her head.

The dream was terrible. She remembered Sasha being dead, she remembered her grave and herself sitting next to it, quietly sobbing into her scarf. She remembered being on a boat, going somewhere, and she remembered flying, talking with Jean about got knows what. There was an underlying feeling to the whole dream, a terrible dread and sadness, washing it all in shades of black.

Blindly, she reached out, taking her phone and staring at it. Who could she call to make herself feel good again? Eren was at work, and while he would most likely take her call he couldn’t just sit in the hospital talking to his crazy girlfriend after she had another nightmare. Knowing how he was, Eren would probably take off and come home to her, and Mikasa didn’t want that. She hated feeling like a burden. Without thinking, her fingers scrolled until she tapped a familiar name, putting the phone up to her ear.

“Hello?”, said the sleepy voice on the other end, “Miks? Is something wrong?”

“Sasha.”, she said, intertwining her fingers with her toes, “I just couldn’t sleep and realized we haven’t talked in some time. So, want to grab a lunch tomorrow?”

The girl on the other side laughed, and just the sound of it, knowing that she is safe and very much alive filled Mikasa with warmth.

“Sure, I’ll never say no to free food.”

Hours later, they were sitting at the restaurant Mikasa picked. But while Sasha was content with eating, as she usually was, the raven kept checking up on her friend, the remnants of the nightmare still fresh in her mind. It reached the point where she just had to ask, no matter how dumb it did sound.

“Are you feeling okay? Is everything fine?”

Sasha looked up from her food, eyes narrowing.

“Is this about the dreams again?”

Mikasa pressed her lips into a thin line before nodding, knowing that she was acting unreasonably. Of course, Sasha knew about her night terrors, they were roommates for a long time and friends even longer. Embarrassed by her overprotectiveness, Mikasa looked away and was just about to apologize when Sasha reached out, taking a hold of her hand.

“Listen Miks, everything is great for me. I’m good, my pub is doing well, and sometimes I could swear that I feel something in my legs.”

“You do?”

“Yes, although it’s nothing to celebrate yet, my doctor said that it might be just a way how my brain rewards itself for all the physical therapy I’ve been doing.”

She squeezed Mikasa’s hand.

“But the most important thing is that I am very fine, no matter what your dreams told you.”

“I think I needed to hear that. Thank you.”

“Listen, why don’t I cheer you up even more.”, meeting Mikasa’s confused eyes, Sasha went on, “I’ll call the other girls, have a night out, what do you say?”

Well, why the hell not? It has been some time since she was out, and it was always nice to talk to Krista and Ymir, despite the latter’s double-edged comments. You know what, scratch that – it was always nice to talk to Krista. Period. Her preliminary matches were done too, meaning that the self-imposed alcohol ban was over.

“Sure, let’s do that.”, Mikasa agreed, much to Sasha’s glee.

They got quite a band together, with both Ymir and Krista coming. Even Hitch found a hole in her packed schedule, squeezing this event in. The only one who couldn’t make it was Hange, who apologized and said that she is way too swamped at work to be out drinking right now. With few hours to kill, Sasha and Mikasa hit the town. Between the senseless shopping and raiding all kinds of places, Mikasa found herself laughing a lot, the thoughts of Annie and tournament gone from her head. And when they were taking a break, eating ice cream on a bench, she realized that it was way too long since they had done this. Because knowing that Sasha is alive and well, hearing her laugh, that soothed Mikasa’s soul. When the day was ending and the shadows grew tall, it was time to head to the bar and meet up with the others. Which also meant getting bombarded by Ymir’s “tactics” about how Mikasa should fight.

“Can’t you just, I don’t know, blast them with concentrated energy?”

Ymir made the motion with her hands, imitating the sounds too. Mikasa sighed, putting her glass back on the table.

“This is not dragon ball Ymir.”

“Still, I feel like you are making it overly complicated. You want to kick them, just kick them!”

“I need to figure out the best angle, and have my body put enough strength behind it on its own because I don’t think that my mind can keep up, and….”

“Blah blah. As I said,”, Ymir poked Krista who seemed to be listening to Mikasa’s ranting, “way too complicated. Now Eren, that guy had a lot of interesting things to say.”

Mikasa very quickly connected the dots and realized what Ymir was talking about, her cheeks reddening. Ymir wouldn’t talk about that here, would she?

“What things?”, a new voice asked.

The trio jumped up, none of them noticing that Sasha had sneakily wheeled herself close. She was looking at them now, her eyes wide and innocent, sipping on her drink with a straw.

“What interesting thing are you guys talking about?”, she repeated.

Mikasa stared at Krista, Krista stared at Mikasa, Sasha stared at them all and Ymir was the only one who wasn’t bothered by it at all. She took a casual sip of her drink, a smirk on her face.

“We asked Mikasa if she wanted to have a threesome with us.”

There was stunned silence after. Krista was the one who woke up first, punching her girlfriend in the shoulder, a movement she had done so many times that it was practically mastered at this point.

“Ymir.”, she hissed, “What the hell?!”

Mikasa’s eyes ticked between the three faces in front of her, unsure how to respond to such a statement, and it was Sasha who reacted first. She looked the raven up and down before giving a respectful nod.

“Okay, I can see why you would want that.”

“What?”

“I know right.”, Ymir nodded, wise all of a sudden, “And it’s not like you can’t choose, if you are more into guys, I’m sure that Hitch and Jean would take you.”

“Hitch would do what?”, asked the woman in question, appearing from the bar and carrying her drink.

“Have a threesome with Mikasa.”, Sasha explained.

The therapist met the raven’s bewildered eyes before sliding her gaze over her face and down.

“Sure, I’d go for it.”

“Hitch!”, now it was Mikasa who was hissing, her cheeks red, “You too?”

“Of course, have you ever looked in the mirror?”, the light-haired woman gave her a sly wink, “I’d most definitely go for you.”

“Same here.”, Sasha chimed in.

“Us too.”, Ymir added, while Krista was hiding her face in her hands, wishing to be gone.

Mikasa was suddenly very conscious of all the eyes on her, no idea how to react. Since when did all her friends become so horny for her?

“Listen, I-I a-appreciate the offers, but I’m not looking for anything right now. Eren is enough, more than enough.”

“Hey, no one is pressuring you.”, Sasha said, raising her glass, “But if you ever grow bored of the good doctor, know that there’s plenty of us you can call.”

The night continued in a relaxed manner, now that the unnecessary proposals were off the table. Catching up felt good, knowing that her friends were still there and living their best life. Ymir and Krista were the dynamic duo, Hitch was the one with clever comebacks, and Sasha was the life of the party. For once, Mikasa let go and simply had fun. Because it was fun sending drunken selfies to Eren, Connie and Jean, to let them know how much they are missing. The only thing that bothered her was the way Sasha kept checking her phone as if she was waiting for something. When asked, she just brushed it aside, which prompted Mikasa’s protective instincts to act.

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

Sasha smiled at her, pocketing the phone she was checking. Again.

“Of course, we are best friends, aren’t we?”

“Definitely.”

“Well, best friend, if you feel so inclined, how about you grab me another drink?”

Mikasa giggled but took her glass anyway, walking towards the bar. And when Sasha leaned back, a smile playing on her lips, her phone decided that it was finally the time to beep. Checking, she could see that there was a text from Niccolo, just two words, but it made her heartbeat rise. Because those two words, that was exactly that Sasha was waiting for.

“It’s time.”

Every pause must come to an end, and the action will resume. The next morning found Mikasa back at the gym, trying and failing with the new technique. The bag swayed with her kick, leather creaking, but it wasn’t it. The angle was wrong. The power was not enough. It wasn’t finished, far from it. Mikasa groaned in frustration, trying again, but nothing changed. She lacked the spark, the something that would allow her to pump out the power required for the Thunderspear. Her body was capable of producing the kick, she knew she could do it, but it was not happening. Maybe she was feeling lazy, maybe the recent victories gave Mikasa too much of an ego. As it was now, she would never break through Reiner. In her mind’s eye, she saw him standing right there, a smug smile on his lips as he effortlessly shrugged off her attacks. Closing her eyes, Mikasa massaged her temples to stave off the headache that was slowly creeping up. She was frustrated, pissed off, angry at herself.

“Need any help?”

She turned, startled, only to meet the eyes of a tall individual.

“Jean? What are you doing here?”

“Hitch said that you will most likely be training again, and I thought that I could go for a workout as well. It was some time since I flexed my muscles.”, he pointed at the abused bag, “And I can see that you are struggling with something.”

“I’m trying to create a new kick that will break through strong guards. But I can’t get it to work, I feel like I don’t have the motivation or something…”

“Here.”, Jean climbed up, jumping into the ring, “How about you try it on me instead?”

Well, it was better than kicking the bag for no reason. It was probably even better than if Eren would be here to help, because while Levi insisted that he has a very “kickable” face, Mikasa strongly disagreed. Her emotional attachment could block her from going all out. Of course, Jean was her friend, but there is a difference between the love of your life and a good friend. Jean was taller than Reiner and way skinnier, but at least he was a human and it was easier to imagine the German tank standing there.

“Let’s just do some sparring, get pumped up.”, Mikasa suggested.

They did so, trading punches back and forth, while the raven tried her best to come up with the right move for her Thunderspear. Jean did his best, with the basic Krav Maga he knew, but it was not enough to even get her winded. Understandably so, she was the prodigy here. A prodigy who can’t even kick hard enough. Gritting her teeth, Mikasa stared at Jean, imagining the blond head of Reiner. The muscles, the sure and steady legwork, the cold expression, the short yet incredibly well-balanced body, the hooked nose and startlingly blue eyes and… wait. That was not Reiner she was imagining. That was Annie. The familiar cold filled her, the one she felt only once, back in the rain when she almost killed her. On that terrible night when she almost lost Armin. The rage was back, not burning but freezing, filling her with ice.

But the last nudge that happened didn’t come from her memories of Annie, that came from Jean’s face. Watching it, Mikasa’s mind was flooded with those strange dreams, the flashbacks from another lifetime, her headache back in full force. She could smell the burning bodies, she could hear destruction. Jean was next to her, dressed in a black uniform, his mouth moving and forming words she had trouble understanding. Only two were crystal clear – “Kill” and “Eren”.

Kill Eren? No, she wouldn’t do that, no matter what kind of different life that was. She would never hurt the man she loved, her fiancé. If that wouldn’t be enough, her heart throbbed with pain when the thoughts of Sasha resurfaced, claiming that something terrible happened to her, worse than the shooting accident she was in. As if her former roommate and one of her best friends died, and that left a hole in Mikasa’s heart. The feeling was still strong, despite the lunch they had together and the night out. Whatever these memories were, wherever they came from, those combined with her rivalry with Annie and clicked together, sneaking through her brain and unlocking the hidden capabilities of her body.

Was it stupid? Maybe, but it didn’t matter. Mikasa knew that neither of these terrible tragedies happened. She knew that Sasha was alive and well, she knew that there was nothing in this world that was forcing her to kill Eren. This remnant of her past life, or a random thing that her mind made up, it was enough to push her over the edge. Just like that, Mikasa knew exactly what she had to do. And as the headache subsided, leaving only the bitter taste of the memories behind, her body overcame its limitations. Mikasa would do anything to prevent such a terrible fate befalling her friends, to protect them she was willing to go above and beyond. Roused by the nightmares, loaded by the unfair and terrible hardships her dream-self had to endure, the Thunderspear was ready to fire.

Jean must have noticed the change in her behavior too, because he stopped attacking, pulled back and went on the defensive. It was not enough. Mikasa aimed the Thunderspear in the middle of his torso, kicking right into Jean’s block which immediately cracked under the pressure. He was sent flying back, falling onto the ropes and sliding down like a ragdoll, boneless.

The drawback was immediately obvious. The kick was done with her whole body, all muscles working together to create such a strong blow. Once fired, Mikasa was hit by a wave of slight nausea as she swayed on her feet, almost doubling over. This wasn’t an attack that could be used freely - if she went for it and missed, Mikasa was open to any sort of counterattack. It took her a sweet moment to recompose herself, get her body back under control and realize that this wasn’t Annie she was fighting but her friend.

“Jean, are you okay?”, she quickly crossed the distance and fell to her knees, looking over his form.

“I... I think so?”, he grimaced, trying to sit up and failing at that, “Honestly, I sort of can’t feel half of myself. Holy shit your legs are strong.”

Scared that she hurt him for real, Mikasa did a quick checkup but her hands didn’t find any fractures. Jean sat up again, this time successfully, giving her a small nod to indicate that nothing permanent was inflicted. Relieved, Mikasa helped him stand, stabilizing his swaying with a hand around Jean’s shoulders.

“I think I finally managed to find the right angle.”, she said, getting a weak grin in answer.

“Glad I could help, but please don’t kick me like that again.”

“I won’t. And thank you, I don’t think I could have done it without you.”

“Hey, that’s what friends are for.”

“My dad should be around here somewhere.”, Annie was saying, looking left and right.

“It’s nice to have a ride off the airport.”, Reiner pointed out, “Saves on the taxi.”

The prospect of seeing her father again did leave a sour taste on Annie’s mind. She was not exactly sure that she was ready to forgive the man, despite her talk from earlier. The expression didn’t go unnoticed by Reiner, as he poked her shoulder with a grin.

“What’s wrong Annie? Thinking about that Mikasa girl again?”

“Oh my god, are you Mikasa’s fans as well? I heard you talking about her.”

Annie turned to meet the eyes of a young girl with shoulder-length light hair and an expression that was the definition of excited. There was a bag over the girl's shoulder and wheeled travel luggage behind her, indicating that she too had just arrived on the plane. What caught Annie’s attention was a magazine the girl was holding, because right there on the front page there she was. Her nemesis, if you will, Mikasa Ackerman in all her glory, dressed in her fighting gear and with her fists raised, steel-grey eyes staring right into Annie’s. The girl noticed where the blonde was looking, raising the magazine.

“This is one of the earlier issues, I’ve been re-reading them recently.”, she giggled, nervously, “I just love Mikasa so much, I can’t get enough. I watched every fight, every interview, read every word I could find. She’s just so great, isn’t she?”

As if remembering her manners, she finally introduced herself.

“I’m Louise, by the way.”

Annie wasn’t sure how to react when meeting the adoring fan of someone she was here to beat, but luckily Reiner stepped in, leaning over to the girl.

“The only interest we have in Mikasa is how to beat her.”, he gestured towards their little trio, “We are all fighters, here to take the tourney, so Ackerman is just another step on the road for us.”

Louise’s expression turned from an excited smile into a frown and she clutched the magazine close to her chest.

“There is no way any of you are beating Mikasa. She’s going to win because she is the best, you guys don’t stand a chance.”

Reiner grinned, spreading his hands.

“Guess we will see about that.”

Louise huffed, raising her head high and grabbing the luggage behind her. Turning, she walked away at a brisk pace, not sparing the blasphemers any more of her attention.

“Looks like the Ackerman girl is quite popular.”, Bert said, “More than I expected to be honest.”

“It’s not just fighting, she’s a model too.”, Annie remembered, “Appeals to the masses.”

“A model huh?”, Reiner put a hand on her shoulder, “Well, maybe she’ll have to consider a career change once you rearrange her face, isn’t that right Annie?”

But there wasn’t any burning hatred for Mikasa in Annie’s heart. She used the girl to motivate herself, yet she felt deep respect towards her. The raven was the only person as dedicated as Annie herself, the only one that understood the deep need to prove herself in this sport. Reiner and Bert, they were good friends, but they didn’t understand it, they never could. Yet she had to keep her appearances up, so despite herself, Annie grinned at the joke.

“Right.”

In the edge of her vision, a familiar figure appeared, and Annie shifted so she could see it better. Her father was there, waiting, leaning on a cane. He didn’t see them yet, giving Annie the time to study his anxious expression as his eyes scanned the airport, looking for his daughter. Was she ready to face him again? Did she want to? Then again, did she have a choice here?

“Oh look, it's your dad.”, Bert said, taking the choice away from her completely.

“Let’s go.”, Reiner decided for the group, casually throwing his heavy bag over a shoulder and walking towards the old man.

With Berthold following close behind, Annie gave up on her drama queen routine and forced her body to move too, trailing behind her mates.

#eremika #fanfic #snk #aot

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Surveys #431-432

two biggins’ in one, beware the long post.

Do you own any Funko Pop! figurines? No. How many cats and dogs have you had as pets in your lifetime? I couldn't possibly count the cats. A lot. We've had I wanna say eight dogs through my entire life. Can your mom and/or dad play any instruments, or how about anyone else in your family? No. My older sister played the clarinet in school, though. Have you ever colored in an adult coloring book as a stress reliever? I have, but they don't really affect my stress level. Can you crack crab legs without a tool? UGH EW I hate crab legs. So mushy and just... ew. I don't think I've tried to without a tool. How many light sources are in the room you’re in? Excluding the natural light out my windows, three. What’s your favorite thing to put on bagels? Just your usual cream cheese. Who’s your favorite director? Tim Burton. I love his style. Bats: cute or gross? Bats are SO goddamn cute. What was the last really intense pain you felt? I had a sudden pain in my chest the other day that scared me quite a bit. Would you rather vacation by a beach or a lake? A lake, for sure. How would you feel about traveling abroad alone? I'd be way too lonely. What is your father's middle name? John. Where did your last kiss take place? The airport. Which movie villain do you find the most terrifying? Probably Jason. A masked guy just casually pursuing you with a knife is horrifying to me. If you married your favorite celebrity what would your last name be? Fischbach alskdfla;wer;lkwera;wle Do you stick your tongue out often in pictures? No. Which one of your family members are you closest to? My ma. Would you rather have name brand shoes or name brand clothes? Shoes. It's very important for them to be comfy for me. Are you a good liar? Yes. :x Are you proud of your parents? Yeah. If you could get backstage tickets to ANY concert - which would you pick? If Mom was with me, Metallica. She would actually fucking die if she met them. Like she cried and laughed with joy when she found out about the concert in Raleigh some years ago, and we thought we were going to go, but yeah, money. Which is better: orange or grape soda? Orange cream soda. Grape soda is so gross. Was the last thing you ate hot or cold? It was room temperature. Who was the last person in your house who isn’t family? Our landlord/family friend. I think. What color was the last swimsuit you wore? Black. Can you remember the last song you listened to? I'm listening to "Thoughts & Prayers" by Motionless In White right now. Have you ever been dumped really harshly? Ha, that is a colossal understatement... Can you do a back flip, or anything else of that sort? Definitely not. I couldn't even do stuff like that as a kid. Do you have any exes you can’t stand anymore? No. What happened to cause you to feel that way about them? ^ Are you more of a phone or a computer person? Computer, for sure. Do you have a job, and if so, where do you work? No. If not, do you want one? Not right now. I want to focus on the gym and getting in shape. Do any medical afflictions run in your family? A whole lot. What’s your favorite Mexican dish? Shrimp quesadillas. Or rice with cheese sauce. Have you ever been to a professional sports game? Yeah, hockey and baseball. Do you prefer pads, tampons or something else? I'm actually conflicted on this right now. I use tampons, but there are reasons I don't really like them and am considering something else. Have you ever ordered a specially made cake from a cake shop? Not me myself, but Mom has. What months were you and your siblings born in? My two immediate sisters were born in April and June. What did you have for dinner last night? Uhhhhh... I want to say I had a chicken pesto bowl? Have you ever had sex in/on a vehicle? No, that sounds so uncomfortable. Do you do anything to groom your eyebrows? No. I don't care about that anymore. Has your town ever flooded? Oh, for sure. Hurricane Floyd from when I was... I wanna say two or three WRECKED my area. Have you ever played at the McDonald’s play place? Yeah. That was a blast as a kiddo. Have you ever taken a picture of snow? Yeah. Do you cry easily? Very. Are you happy with where you live? No. The suburbs suck. I miss living in the country so much. Do people ever mistake you for being a different race? No. Do you hate the last person you kissed? No, she's my best friend in the whole world. What genre is your favorite movie? I actually don't know what it's considered? It's a kids movie, though. Who was the last person you were in a car with? My mom. Do you like the picture on your license/I.D. card? My permit picture is fucking hideous. When was the last time somebody hit on you? *shrug* Was the last person you met a male or female? A guy - my personal trainer. What brand is your underwear? I'm in my pjs, and only a madman would wear underwear to bed. What’s your favorite Thanksgiving food? Just the rolls, really, lol. I'm not a big fan of Thanksgiving foods at all. Do you have a TV in your room? No, because I don't watch TV. Are any of your electronics charging right now? My laptop always is, though I know you shouldn't do that. I need to charge my phone, too. What was the last video game you played? Video game, not computer, I want to say uh... The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon? What’s the biggest promise someone’s ever made to you? Did they keep it? To never leave me. He didn't. Google, Bing, or Yahoo? Google. What was the last song you had on repeat? The song I mentioned earlier. Who is your favorite person to watch on YouTube? Markiplier. :') How many college degrees do you want? It'd be nice to have a Bachelor's in SOMETHING, but I'm not returning to school. Three tries was enough money down the drain. Can you wink? Yeah. Do you own any jerseys? No. Have you ever tried to snort Pixie Stix as a child, or even an adult? Uh, no. Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? No. The last time Jason and I hung out in any capacity was his brother's wife's baby shower, and it's a bad memory. As well, it just reminds me of what I once wanted with him. I'll go to them and be okay, but definitely not thrilled. Has there ever been a time in your life, you felt sexually undecided? Yes, especially in the I want to say 8th grade. I had an inescapable crisis that literally lasted a whole week (or maybe more) forcing myself to believe I was straight, despite already showing but denying bisexual attractions. I was religious back then, so believed if I wasn't straight, I'd go to Hell. Then I came out as bisexual in uhhhh... 2018 I wanna say, and that was a long examination of my feelings. It felt like a massive weight off my shoulders when I accepted it. I felt legit happy. Do you think tattoos and piercings are sexy on the opposite sex? ugggghhhhh yes Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? No. What color are the headphones you have at this moment in time? My earbuds are pink and white. Ever choked severely on something during lunch at your school? No. Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? Fruits, for sure. My fave is strawberries. What would you say is the color of your favorite bra? I have a pink and black lacy one that is super cute, but it's too small for me right now. It just stays in my drawer. Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? No. What do you usually buy when you go to the dollar store? If I'm stopping there for a snack (which is usually the only time we stop by one), I tend to get a honeybun. Ever peed in the pool? Be honest! No, that is so gross. When you’re older, what kind of house do you want to live in? I want a medium-sized house that's semi-isolated in the woods. I'd love a nice path to walk down and take photos, a catio for Roman or whatever cat I may have in the future... stuff like that. I need lots of nature. Where do you want to get married? In some sort of gothic building, though I'm sure that would be a WILDLY expensive venue, so I doubt that'll happen. Realistically, either in the woods or even a massive flower garden. Do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding? Yes. What is your favorite childhood TV show? Pokemon. Honestly, do you like school? No, I didn't. Last thing that made you cry? PTSD. Honestly, are you keeping a big secret right now? No big secrets, no. Last person you took a walk with? Sara, years ago. Have you ever liked someone who didn’t like you back? Oh, have I... Who was the last person to actually pick you up in the air? Probably Jason, honestly. Does any part of your body hurt? My non-existent abs are killing me from exercising yesterday. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a regret what would you do? While it's tempting, hand me the cash. Can you keep a secret? Absolutely. You tell me a secret, you can guarantee I'll be keeping it between you and me. Your favorite romantic movie? The Notebook. How do you feel about Valentine’s Day? I honestly like it. I love the aesthetic of it, and I know people say "well you should celebrate love every day," and while that's right, what's so wrong about nationally designating a specific day to appreciate it? I think it's a very cute holiday. Who was the last person you took a picture with? My sister Katie. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? I haven't worn jeans in yeeeeaaaarrrrssss. When I did though, I loved jeans like that, especially for skinny jeans. Do you celebrate 420?No. Have you ever kicked a vending machine? No. How do you eat Oreos? I prefer to just dip them in milk. If that's unavailable, I separate the two parts, eat the cream, and then the two cookies. Do you wear your shoes in the house? No. Would you survive in prison? Absofuckinglutely not. It's dark, but just to be entirely honest, I'd probably find a way to kill myself. Ever been to Georgia? I've been through it. Do you get your hair cut every month? Not every month, no. It needs a trim right now badly, though.

Current relationship in detail. I'm single and should be. If you were kicked out of your house, who would you call/go to? My dad. List things you spend money on in an average week. Nothing. Rate each of your sexual partners (if any) from 1-10. He was honestly a 10 lmao like I don't have a lot of experience at all, but yeah. Post the last FB group/page that you joined. I actually don't remember because I've been on break from Facebook for around a month. Would you parents be mad if you were in a relationship? No... Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? I'm sure he has. He dated someone right after me for like... eight months or something? Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to? I think that's very obvious by now. What board games are you good at? Idk, I don't really enjoy board games. Is there a sport/hobby you keep thinking about taking up, but that you’ve never quite gotten around to starting? Definitely no sports, but I've been wanting to get back into video editing. I just... haven't, even though I have the software. Do you think pranks like egging/toilet-papering someone's house are funny or immature? They're incredibly immature. I see zero humor in them. Do you think “sleeve tattoos” are a good idea? They're hot as fuck, man. Is there anything in particular that your parents argue about? What? I'll just say they're divorced for good reasons. Do you ever actually read the “Terms and Services” when you sign up for websites and such? No. If you have a handheld games console (a DS or GameBoy, for example), how often do you use it? Almost never. Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for, what do you say? Realistically, I wouldn't answer because I don't answer numbers I don't recognize. Hypothetically, if I knew it was him, I'd probably say something along the lines of, "Hey J, are you okay?", because something must be seriously wrong if he wants to talk to me of all people. If your best friend was kicked out, would your parents let him/her live with you? Mom absolutely would. Are you afraid of falling in love? I'm terrified of it. Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now? I wish I didn't. Have you ever kissed someone & wished you didn’t? Yes: Tyler. Did you get kissed last night? Haven't been kissed in years. Do you enjoy going through a carwash? Bring out the rainbow soap and it's hype lmao. How did you get most of your scars? My cat, ha ha. He sometimes plays way too rough, and I just scar very easily. Ever had to take an inkblot test? Yes, when I went to a psychologist. Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn’t do? Maybe? Have you ever seriously slapped someone in anger? My sister as a kid on her arm. Safe to say I got in trouble for it. What/who woke you up this morning? Just my body. Who was the last person to be in your bedroom besides you? Mom. What’s one of your locked text messages? da;lsd;fakwer I have one locked from Sara that says something like, "You are so beautiful." I cried. Have you ever finished a game of Monopoly? I think? Jason and I used to play the digital one you could download on the PS3. Is there anyone you know who’s in any way paralyzed? No. I mean, I know of a girl who went to my school who was paralyzed from the waist down in an accident, but I didn't/don't know her personally. She was a MASSIVE deal in my education community. Like you would see "prayers for (name)" on school and church signs. The truth all comes out when someone is drunk, true? Usually true. I sometimes think back on the one time Jason was drunk, and he just told me in the most adoring voice, "I love you, Brittany." It's painful as fuck to remember. I really do wonder if he meant it, given this was in the later half of our relationship. When was the last time you felt disappointed in yourself? Constantly. How about feeling disappointed in someone else? I dunno. For you, do you commonly feel more jealousy or envy? I definitely experience envy more often. Do you rely on the heads/tails flipping of a coin sometimes for decisions? No. Do you have any specific chores you do around the house? I'm supposed to empty the dishwasher in particular. For you, does comfort or fashion come first in dressing? Comfort, 100%. Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? No. Do you like Laffy Taffy? I do. That sounds pretty good right about now. Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? Electric. Are your biceps at all noticeable? Yeah, no. Have you ever seen a walrus? Yeah, at SeaWorld as a kid. Did you ever have one of those Easy Bake ovens as a kid? Yeah. My little sister in particular was obsessed. Does your bathroom have a theme to it? No. From inside of your house, how many doors lead outside? Two. Are there a lot of trees in your yard? No. :/ I miss that. Have you ever liked someone that treated you like crap? No. Have a best friend? Yeah. :') Does it bother you when your best friend does stuff without you? That is so childish. Everyone needs space sometimes. But to answer the question, considering she lives many states away from me, obviously not. Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents? Yes. Does anyone hate you? I wouldn't at all be surprised if Jason does. Colleen might, but I really don't give a shit if she does. What’s the one thing you regret more than anything? The way I spoke to Jason after the breakup. If only I could take those letters back. Do you remember important dates? I am VERY bad at dates, doesn't matter how important they are. What’s some lyrics from a song that means a lot to you? "For such a little thing, you sure are in your own way" from a Mother Mother song. Who gives the best advice? Sara. Who do you usually see in your dreams? :) Jason is nearly a permanent fixture. Jeez, I'm bringing him up a lot in this one. I'm surprised my PTSD isn't dragging me into a pit for it. What type of cake did you last eat? Uhhh I wanna say double chocolate? Mom got two slices from the store for me and herself a long time ago. How many of your friends are gay or bisexual? A large number. I don't feel like counting. What’s your favorite type of sandwich? Just your usual peanut butter and jelly. When was the last time someone asked you out? Did you accept or decline? Years ago by Girt. I accepted. Do you like The Offspring? Sure, I like a handful of their songs. One pillow or two? I sleep with two. Do you like Mad Libs? Sure, they can be funny. Are you suicidal? Well damn, just throw that in there. Anyway, no. I'll admit I've had very brief, passive thoughts very rarely as of the late, just wondering if there really is a point to me being here, but I'm not actively suicidal at all rn. Where do your grandparents live? They're dead. When alive though, they lived in Florida and Michigan. Do you cut yourself? And this one? No, I haven't in many years. What is your pet’s name? Roman and Venus. Have you ever been to Canada? No, but I'd love to visit. Aren’t babies overrated? "Overrated" is definitely the wrong word... I don't particularly find a lot of babies cute and I don't want my own, but they're not overrated. Have a built-in pool in your backyard? Never have. Ever won yourself a stuffed animal? Yeah. Ever had someone else win you a stuffed animal? Yes. Ever been to a circus? No. I wouldn't set foot into one. Ever shot animals? I never, ever could. Do you consider yourself intelligent? I USED to. I think I'm dumb as shit now. School knowledge did not latch onto me well, I guess. Have you ever run away from home? Yes. It was so overdramatic. I came back hours later because I had my phone and Mom texted me threatening to call the cops. Do you put family first, friends, relationships, school, or something else? I will never put my mental health behind anything/one again. What’s something you’ve stood up for in the past? When Colleen and I were friends in middle school, we both spoke before the class in absolute disgust at how our classmates were treating our poor substitute teacher. Colleen had AT them, while I was more tame about it but still wanted to bash into their heads that they were all being absolute trash to the poor man. What’s something you worked extremely hard to get? My mental wellbeing. Granted, I'm not exactly "well" now, but once upon a time I was living in the deepest ocean trench as far as depression goes. Are you satisfied with your body image? Hell no. I really, really, really hope loyally going to the gym will help me with that. Have you ever been labeled negatively or otherwise been called something extremely derogatory? Not that I know of. Have you ever seriously taken advantage of someone or been taken advantage of? No. Have you ever been seriously ill? Mentally, immensely. Physically, not really. I've had some nasty stomach bugs, but nothing truly severe. Have you ever befriended a former enemy? Ha, it's funny, I used to hate Jason's first ex/heartbreak for how badly she hurt him. Like she could've been falling off the face of the earth with only me to save her, and I'd let her keep falling. I hated her. Yet now we're Facebook friends and comment on each other's stuff like it's nothing, ha ha. She reached out to me a few years ago to apologize for high school stuff (she also hated me for Juan - her ex or something along those lines - being interested in me instead of her), we chatted a bit, and now I think she's great. If you’re not religious, would you ever pray as a last resort? If you are religious, do you often pray for other people? I don't pray anymore. That's all I'll say to keep this from becoming potentially very offensive. Have you ever dated someone, then after you dated they came out of the closet or switched (for lack of a better word) sexual orientation? I'm pretty sure my middle school boyfriend Aaron is gay, but I'm not certain. He vanished from Facebook a long time ago. Has a boy/girl ever walked a ridiculous distance just to see you? How about vice versa? I tried doing that the night of the breakup. By car, I know it was a seven-minute drive, but walking there, never mind at night, was ludicrous. I only didn't manage because after a few minutes, Mom came after me and kept cutting me off with the car. When was the last time you felt really uncomfortable? Right now. My abs REALLY hurt, and I'm also cramping like a motherfucker after not having a period for 3+ months because of TMS therapy. I'm still pissed about how it had a physical effect on me, but didn't mentally do what it was meant to. Is there anything that your mom is really known for as to how she is as a person? She is very, very loving and lives to help others. Who have you been talking to the most today? Nobody, really. I've spoken with Mom obviously, but for the most part, today's been quiet. Are you nosy? I can be pretty damn nosy, yes. What’s the meanest thing you have done to a friend? Consistently flirted with her boyfriend behind her back. I was 12, okay? If your ex called you crying, what would it most likely be about? THE ex, I have no idea. I don't know what's going on in his life, besides his mother dying quite a few months ago, but I don't see why he'd contact me about that. Who was the best kisser out of all the people you have kissed? Jason. Have you ever been told that you have an annoying laugh? No, but I think I do.

#survey #surveys #random questions

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