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iwaisuke · 3 years

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confessions; but not remembering it

ft. kita shinsuke, sakusa kiyoomi x sick fem!reader

genre: fluff

masterlist

a/n: this has been sitting in my drafts for a while and then i rushed bc i was getting tired 🙃 also. sakusa's is a little ooc. sorry ab that

-» ˚⸙͎۪۫⋆

» the clean yet musty smell of rain filled the gym as the boys practiced. it was a surprisingly humid and rainy spring day today here in the country side of hyogo

» "achoo" you had been sneezing and coughing all day. you also had a terrible headache but took some medicine to see if it would help. the spring allergies really getting to you

» you didnt reay have the time to be worrying about yourself. As a 2nd year manager of the inarizaki team, (recommend by suna) and the boys working so hard practicing for nationals there was no way you'd let this little cold get in the way. you had to work just as hard as everyone else!

» "hold on, im about to hang up your jerseys to dry"

» "i got you guys some fresh towels!"

» "i can run and grab that coach. im headed that way anyways"

» the coach called for a short break to rest up for a bit. everyone was sore and exhausted from practicing every day. "here. i filled your water bottles up!" handing them to all the boys. "y/n you're all wet" akagi sounded concerned.

» "hm? oh its alright. I'll dry off in a minute. i took the shortcut to the drinking fountain to refill your waterbottles instead of taking the long way" you nonchalantly said. "so you ran through the rain like an idiot?" suna threw a clean towel over your damp hair and ruffled it. "suna!! stop!! you're gonna ruin my hair"

» "like i said. its alright" you reassured the boys.

» kita, on the other hand had noticed your fatigue. although he wasnt as perceptive on peoples feeling and thoughts as well as others, he could easily pick up signs like yours. he admired you dearly for how hard you always work for the team. how you willingly did anything to make them smile. how you always put others first before yours. needless to say, he had a bit of a crush on you.

» "l/n san. i think you should take a break too. there's no need for you to be running around for us while we're resting" kita assured you. "i still have a few things left on my list to do.. but afterwards I'll take a break!" kita let out a sigh. you were stubborn sometimes and kita knew you were the kind of person to not stop until you're finished.

» "I'll be right back. i gotta grab the laundry"

» making an excuse to leave, your heart was beating fast. you knew kita's words were the kind he'd say to anyone, but it made your heart feel fuzzy when he'd look out for you.

» the stone cold captain who you thought he was, actually was so kind. he was just a little awkward like you, and a little blunt with what he said sometimes. but you learned the great qualities he carries and how much he actually cares about others well being. he was a hard worker and you couldnt help but absentmindedly fall for the captain.

» running up the stairs to the second floor of the gym, you felt a shift in your step. head becoming dizzier than it was just 5 minutes ago. legs trembling, you started falling before feeling a presence behind.

» kita's arm wrapped around your waist, supporting you in efforts to not letting you fall over. "i told you to rest l/n san" kita said sternly. "you wont benefit anyone if you keep overworking like this."

» you knew kita was right, but you really didnt want to rest knowing you'll be letting the team down by not working hard.

» "i promise I'll rest as soon as im done with this one thing" pleading with kita. he let out a sigh, knowing you really wouldnt until you did finish so he allowed you to do so.

» finishing grabbing all of the dry jerseys and bringing them downstairs to pass out to everyone, you didnt really notice atsumu and osamu spiking volleyballs at each other until aran yelled

» "y/n! watch out!" honestly, you were too tired to move out of the way so you figured, it do be like that sometimes, and allowed the ball to hit you.

» or... so you had planned the ball to hit you.

» kita stood in front, blocking the impact of the spike that you had prepared yourself for. there was agitation in kita's eyes. more than you usually noticed when then twins were miss behaving. concern washing over, he looked you straight in the eyes

» "... is there something wrong kita san?" lifting up his hand to your forehead, he let out a sigh. "why didnt you tell me earlier you had a fever", then walking over to the coach meanwhile atsumu and osamu come over to apologise for being reckless.

» "get your stuff. we're going home" kita said bluntly.

» "huh? but practice is-"

» "please l/n san. for me"

» kita would only take yes for an answer this time. no if's ands or buts. so here you were, walking home with kita. only the sound of raindrops hitting your shared umbrella being heard.

» muscles starting to ache a little more and your legs becoming more tired than they were when you left the gym, you began to walk a little slower every step

» "get on my back l/n" "its ok kita san, i can walk. its already enough that you're walking me home" "i didnt ask if you wanted to. im telling you to"

» you couldnt tell if it was the fever that made your face warmer or if it was kita's words. nonetheless, you got on kita's back. he was a lot stronger than he looked and you couldnt help but stifen at being so close to your own crush like this.

» "relax. I'll make sure you get home." he reassured. you leaned into his back, warmth seeping in, your eyes began to feel heavy.

» "kita san" "yes?" "thank you for always watching out for me"

» a comfortable silence was met as the sound of rain filled your ears.

» "kita san" "hm?" "did you know..." your voice softened "i like you a lot kita san"

» did he hear you correctly? if he wasnt paying attention he wouldve missed what you had said, being drowed out through the pitter patter of water. now his heart thumping louder than ever before.

» "l/n san-" he was about to go on but was met with the gentle rise and fall of your chest and the soft snores of you on his back, knocked out from exertion. kita let out a light chuckle, finally relieved you were resting.

» you had missed the next day of school, but when you came back the whole volleyball team bombarded you with love.

» "WE'RE A FAILURE TO NOT NOTICE YOU FEELING SICK" atsumu cried. "how could we let our one and only precious manager get ill for taking care of us" akagi, clearly dissapointed in himself. "please let us know when we can take care of you too y/n" aran said.

» "its no big deal. really!" waving your hands in defense. "it was just a small cold. but i do have a question though"

» all the boys gathered around to hear what you had to say

» "how did i get home?? i really dont remember what happened after i almost got hit by atsumu"

» it shocked the guys honestly. you genuinely didnt remember a single thing due to your fever. "wait? you don't remember kita taking you home?" suna replied, your face becoming red. "k-kita san took me home-?" "yah. he left in the middle of practice to do so" osamu added.

» immediately, you got up to find the captain that apparently took you home the other day. he was in the storage closet cleaning and grabbing the equipment for todays practice.

» "kita san" "oh. l/n. glad you're feeling better" his smile brightened the musty closet. "about that, im sorry for troubling you and having you take me home the other day. i honestly dont remember what happened after i almost got hit by atsumu. my mind was really fuzzy that day, but im truly thankful for you going out of your way for me. it really means a lot"

» kita was dumbfounded. you really dont remember? "no need to apologize l/n. it was my responsibility as a captain. and afterall, what good would i be if i couldnt even take care of the person who means the most to me"

» your heart raced. 'person who means the most to me' ? cheeks blushing a rosy pink, you were internally thanking the musty store room from being dim.

» with arms full of equipment, kita walked by you and stopped.

» "by the way l/n san. did you know?"

» ears perking up at the vague yet familiar line

» "i like you a lot too l/n san"

» now we all know sakusa HATES germs and for the past week and a half, he's been telling you to keep up with washing your hands, wearing a mask at all times even when you eat omi it doesnt work like that. pls especially since you are prone to getting sick easily no matter how hygenic you are. your immune system just hated you. PERIODT

» you remembered sakusa scolding you for running out of hand sanitizer and then the next day you were out of commission. bed ridden with laryngitis, cough, slight fever, the whole works. it was like your body was making fun of you or something

» you texted komori, asking him to take notes in class for you and relay homework information while you were at home resting up. but there was one request you had and made komori PROMISE.

» DO NOT TELL SAKUSA YOU GOT SICK

» "he's probably gonna notice your absence y/n. he'll find out about it either way"

» "well if you dont tell him then he wont know. its not like he even cares about where i am like that"

» "thats what you might think. but i know he's gonna say something i can garuntee it"

» the next day at school, sakusa did notice your presence missing. it was quieter not having a 3rd person in the group of friends. not having you around to talk to him when komori was gone.

» pulling out his phone to text you, he asked where you were that day.

» "on a family trip :D !!! forgot to tell you, but I'll tell you all about it when i come back!" you wrote, attaching an old selfie of a different trip you went on to make it more believable.

» you had hoped this silly cold would get better in a day, but soon that day turned into 2 and then 3 and then 4... you pretty much missed the whole week of school at that point

» Friday rolled around and komori was on his phone all day. sakusa noticed his cousin fidget in his chair more than usual and it irked him to see him like that

» "what's with you today?" one eye raised, sakusa finally asked. "uhhh nothing really" komori wasnt very good at keeping secrets lets just start off with that, but he was trying his best.

» "well clearly somethings wrong. you're fidgeting." "well haven't you noticed somethings been different all week?" komori hinted

» sakusa sat there in thought. nothing's been different? he ate the same breakfast he usually does every morning. all his studies have been well. there were no tests this week so there was no reason to be anxious like komori was and even if there was, he would've done well anyways.

» "just tell me what it is." sakusa was starting to get annoyed. "y/n..." komori started. "y/n?" "do you know where she's been this week?"

» did you not tell komori about your family trip? you usually told komori everything, but then again you didn't tell him either until he asked you about it.

» "she said shes on a trip?" he nonchalantly said. komori's eyes started watering. "A TRIP TO THE HOSPITAL THATS WHAT IT IS" he blurted out. komori didnt mean to let it slip , he was just so worried about your well being.

» "hospital?? what are you talking about. did she get injured on her trip?" "no omi. shes been sick all week and her mom just texted me saying she went to the hospital today because shes had a fever for 3 days straight. there is no family trip"

» sakusa's heart shattered. you were sick and didnt even tell him?

» before both he and komori knew it, his legs were running faster to get to the hospital than he had ever imagined he could ever run.

» and there you were. fast asleep in a bed with an IV drip. your face flushed, forehead sweaty and shallow breaths escaping your chapped lips. you were a hot mess but sakusa didnt care. stepping to your bedside to greet your mother she explained to him that she had to go to work and asked if he could watch over you until she gets back.

» sakusa said yes without even hearing the whole thing. his heart and mind saying yes to whatever it took to get you to feel better.

» gosh how he hated hospitals, but what he hated even more was the fact that you were in the hospital and he didnt even know.

» the doctor came in for their evening round and ensured sakusa that you were indeed getting better! your fever had broken not too long ago and your body was working extra hard to heal itself up!

» "is there anything i can do to help?" sakusa asked. he felt helpless in this situation just watching your face distort in uncomfort every now and then, and coughing your lungs out.

» patting sakusa's shoulder, the doctor told him that just being here for you is enough. "you gotta be a strong boyfriend for her alright son? she'll be able to go home tomorrow first thing in the morning if her fever doesnt come back"

» sakusa slumped in his chair at your bedside, the doctors words ringing through his head. 'boyfriend huh?' he thought to himself. "if i was her boyfriend..." he whispered to himself, "i would be a failure for not even knowing my girl was sick..."

» to kiyoomi, you were beautiful. even now in this sad state you were in. deep down he locked these growing feelings he had for you inside of him because he always felt like you were a better match with someone else and after this stunt you pulled of lying to him about going on a family trip, it only made him feel worse.

» it was now night time and you finally began to stir in your sleep, the fever finally gone. sakusa reached out to move some hair that was stuck to your face, fingers tracing the outline of your jaw. your eyes slowly opened and met with his dark orbs.

» "y/n?" "saku- wait this is just a dream. omi wouldn't be here. he hates hospitals" you let out a forced laugh and then a sigh through your sore throat.

» you reached out to sakusa's hands that were resting on the side of your bed. "omi would never let me hold his hand because he'd say im passing germs to him so hopefully dream omi wont be the same" you were aimlessly talking to yourself, not even realizing that this really wasnt a dream.

» he squeezed your hand in return. hoping that you wouldnt let go any time soon. a funny smile appeared on your face just at the thought of him. "even if you're stupid for not realizing how much i like you... i cant wait to see you again omi" you whispered before falling asleep again.

» sakusa didnt know what to do. he sat there frozen in his chair. it was his first time hearing you call him omi. heck. you literally just confessed to the boy. his brain was running wild. groaning in distress he let go of your hand to step out for a breath of fresh air now that you were back asleep.

» it was 5am and your mother came back to the hospital and thanked sakusa for staying by your side. He left in a hurry to make sure you didnt see him there.

» Monday rolled around and sakusa was waiting outside of the school gates for you. he had planned on asking you about your "trip"

» "good morning sakusa!!" your bright and cheery voice rang through his ears. honestly he was trembling inside. the memory of you confessing to him still fresh in his mind.

» "how was your trip?" you stopped dead in your tracks. "haha... it was good !! sorry i forgot to get you a souvenir" you were trying to play it cool but sakusa could tell you were forcing yourself. "i wouldnt want a souvenir from where you came from so its fine" sakusa's words threw you off. "i - im not sure im understanding what you're saying sakusa?"

» you felt a tug on your hand. "dont you mean omi?" his voice husky as he whispered into your ear. cheeks flushed, your brain felt like it short circuted. you've always tried your hardest to not let it slip that you want to call him omi since he hated when people called him that.

» sakusa smirked at your cute reaction he got out of you. letting go of your hand he began to walk into the school leaving you at the gate dumbfounded. "and by the way. you're just as stupid for not realizing how long ive liked you too"

-» ˚⸙͎۪۫⋆

thank you for your order! enjoy~!

#haikyuu x reader #hq fluff #haikyuu fluff #yinny!drabbles #sakusa kiyoomi #sakusa fluff #kita shinsuke #kita x reader #kita fluff

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hello-yue-here · 3 years

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thank you @chiptrillino for tagging me in a wip game!

not quite sure what the rules are but based off of your AMAZING POST OF ART WIPS (check it out here yall chip is so talented) ive decided to just share some parts of my writing wips that i rlly like because i cannot draw whatsoever lmao

enjoy some lil snippets hehe

from heart don't stand a chance:

"Zuko couldn’t get over her eyes. She was looking past the camera towards the man who took it. Zuko could see clear as day the love she held for Sokka in her gaze.

It was a perfect moment that Sokka had captured. No wonder held it with him at all times. If someone had looked at Zuko like that, he’d never want to see anything again.

As he took in the photograph, Sokka sat next to him in silence. His hand was clutching the ring around his neck again in his fist, pressing it close to his mouth as he peered over Zuko’s shoulder to look. Zuko turned to him to compliment the picture and saw a sad fondness lingering in his eyes."

this is a scene i wrote a while ago thats gonna appear in a much later chapter. but yeah. more yue angst for you guys im so sorry.

from i love you (and that's all i really know):

"Mister Sokka," a little voice wishpered in his ear as he felt tiny pokes on his cheek, "Wake up Mister Sokka."

"Good morning to you too Izumi," Sokka responded wearily as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He looked towards the little girl who was standing on her tippy toes to see over the edge of the bed and poke his face until he rose.

She smiled at him once she realized he was awake.

"Can we have pancakes?" She asked shyly, hiding her mouth just below the edge of the bed as she looked up at him with hopeful eyes.

That look was going to be dangerous for him later on, he could aready tell.

"Sure thing, Izumi, just let me sleep for five more minutes, mkay?" He asked as he shut his eyes again. He was exhausted from last nights events, and the sun had barely risen. How did Zuko do this?"

this is a scene from the next chapter of this fic. so much sokka and izumi bonding you guys are gonna explode hehehe.

from cherry (the mailee fic i wont shut up about that is now a whopping 19 pages):

"Mai never had to guess with Ty Lee. She always knew when Ty Lee was happy about something because she would use an obnoxious amount of exclamation points. She would send gifs of people or cartoons making outlandish expressions whenever she wanted to react to Mai’s text with a specific facial expression. Sometimes Ty Lee would even send voice memos whenever her thoughts became too long, or she got too excited about a story that her fingers couldn’t type as fast as she could speak."

hehe i love mailee.

from yours (the mailee sorority fic that i promise i did not forget about):

"Mai lifted her head off the pillow again and met Zuko’s eyes. She studied his impassive expression, trying to figure out if he was joking or not. He did seem like he missed Mai and Azula, so maybe he did really just want to catch up with them.

But Mai wasn’t going to give up a golden opportunity like this.

“Tell us everything about the boy toy as well and you’ve got yourself a deal,” Mai said.

Zuko rolled his eyes and sighed, “Ugh, fine. And his name is Sokka by the way.”

“Nuance. You also have to wake up Azula.”

“No chance in hell,” Zuko scoffed, “You’re the roommate and her fellow ‘pong princess,’ wake-up duty is all yours.”

“If she murders me, it’s your fault. She’s a bitch when she’s hungover.”

“Whatever you say, Mai,” Zuko grinned before returning back to his phone."

i have decided that zuko is a little shit for this fic and no one can stop me.

from Where'd All the Time Go? (the yuekka fic that i have severe writers block with that i also promis i have not forgotten about):

"“Sokka I really think you need to take a moment and-”

“I am fine Aang, I don’t have time for a feelings talk right now. Right now I need to find the fucking chief of this damn place.” His words came out harsher than he meant, but he didn’t have the time to dwell on that.

Before Sokka could run off again to continue his search, a hand grabbed his arm. One of Arnook’s advisors, Malina, had started dragging him towards the podium.

“Do you not realize how late you are for this Sokka? The ceremony was supposed to begin with your speech nearly an hour ago-” she hissed at him as she pulled him along through the crowd.

“Malina I’m sorry but I really need to speak with Arnook it is urgent-”

“This damn speech of yours is what’s urgent right now Sokka, you can speak with Arnook later but the guests are getting antsy so you need to give your speech right. Now.”

“But-”

“Now.”

Maline shoved Sokka towards the podium and suddenly all eyes were on him. Every guest in attendance had their focus solely on Sokka."

homeboy is stressed in this scene. things are slowly going to shit in this chapter. i promise i will update this before the end of the year. i swear. im so sorry.

from a currently untitled jetko/sukka boiling rock fic:

"“Oh good, you survived after all,” She said in a mocking tone.

Jet didn’t answer. He knew anything he said would be used against him. He didn’t know where he was. He didn’t know what was happening. But he would be damned if he showed that weakness in front of the fire nation.

“I was told you were more talkative than this,” the girl mused. There was something familiar about her, “my informants were very detailed when discussing your little teashop romance.”

I knew it. Jet snarled in his mind, That bastard betrayed me."

i want this fic to be a little darker but idk how good i am at writing darker fics because i love fluff and humor too much. this could be good angst practice for me.

from a toph and sokka fic that i wrote a while back to help me cope w some shit that i dont know if ill ever post:

"“Sokka? Are you still there?” Toph asked, the slightest hint of concern began to slip into their voice

“Tell me a story,” he was trembling. Despite all of his efforts to sound calm, he knew his voice came out trembling and scratchy and pathetic-

“Is everything okay? You don’t sound too hot,” Toph said through the phone.

Breathe, Sokka, breathe. You don’t want them to be worried, you just need to calm down.

“Please, Toph, I just,” he said through shaky breaths that weren’t nearly deep enough for him to be getting enough oxygen, “I just need a distraction. I just need to hear your voice okay?”"

nonbinary toph anyone?

from a 10 things i hate about you kataang and zukka au:

"“What? Something on my face?” the guy asked deadpanned. He rubbed at his scar as if he were wiping off a smudge of mustard, and Aang’s face went pale.

“Stop scaring the sophomores Zuko, this one’s new. He won’t get your… humor… just yet,” Ms. Wu said as she waved Aang off again.

“I’m hurt that you’d imply I’m not funny, Wu. I’m hilarious,” the senior, Zuko, said as he walked past Aang.

Aang let out a sigh of relief knowing that this Zuko guy didn’t seem all that offended by his awkwardness, and darted out of the room."

zuko is a little shit part 2. the amount of sarcasm i have dripping off of heath ledger zuko is glorious. let zuko be a little shit. i havent added to this in months but when i finish some of my other wips i cant wait to get back to this.

i have more wips and drafts saved but none of them have anything juicy or funny or interesting yet because all of them are like less than three pages so far

but yeah, heres a good chunk of sneaky peakys from my wips!

I hope you liked them!

anyone who wants to do this can totally go for it. imma tag @ambykinns @lumities and @flowers-inthepieshop (only if you all want too!!) because this was fun :)

#liv talks about writing #liv talks ab fanfic #liv wips #liv fics #i love sharing my writing #especially when i have a bit of a block going on with well.... every fic #maybe this will give me inspiration!!!#i love sharing my writing im proud of these little snippets and i hope you all likes them as well :)#atla #avatar: the last airbender

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shattered-catalyst · 3 years

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OCD Subtypes for the RPC

Part 1 is here

Well well well, we are back for Part 2 of the Roleplayer’s Guide to OCD.

Fellow Ocd Folks, I see you in those tags and I'm going to do my best to ensure those obsessions are represented here- BUT understand that physically it is not going to be possible to list every single one because I am one person. Regardless its incredibly brave of you all to rb and add things in the tags, I know its hard to talk about this shit and I see you. I see you.

Resultantly I typed this out and posted it in formatting to assist with accessibility in mind; if you cannot read it still ( I tried Im sorry!) i recommend the copy and paste method or getting the chrome extension bee-line reader.

There will be grammatical and spelling mistakes. Im sure spacing is odd some places, but you have to understand doing this is extremely anxiety provoking for me so Im just getting it done when I can.

Remember to use your critical thinking; not everyone has the same symptoms/compulsions/triggers and all that.

OCD is fluid. Its like liquid mercury. One day its a handful of subtypes another day its another different serving.

If you are in general squicked about certain topics even by mention read ahead with your own judgement. Remember us folks that have OCD have many disturbing and distressing experiences so if you are writing a character who has OCD and you can’t read about it just don’t give them that obsessive thought/ compulsion. Make sure writing is still a safe and enjoyable hobby for yourself first and foremost.

But ethically and morally I cannot and will not leave out the more disturbing bits. You have the ability to scroll by, I and many others do not get the chance to escape triggering content that our own mind creates.

So read ahead with your best judgement or at least skip around the squicky parts and educate yourself on what OCD is so people quite using it as a Obsessive Christmas/Corgi/Cat Disorder thing. Alright? Cool beans.

Okay so you made it passed post 1 and got under the read more. Give yourself a gold star for diving into this monster of a document.

Below is a crash course it is not meant to replace actual psychoeducation, personal research, or google. Honestly most of us do our research extensively but because OCD is treated so horribly by social media, media, and society in general.

I wasn’t sure where to throw these together because the education tools to learn fully about OCD are very specialized and thus very restricted. I found that many people DO have these experiences with OCD though so I will represent them throughout. I’ll also sprinkle some of my own experiences so you can get a good reference of a person who has the disorder and not just a randomly generated person.

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So OCD is made up of Obsessions, Trigger, Intrusive thought, Misinterpretation/feared consequence,Somatic and Psychological Anxiety, and Compulsions/Rituals.

Your character may not be able to list all of these. In fact if they aren't in ERP therapy they may not be able to puzzle these things out. But YOU as the writer should know them. Your character won’t be walking around talking to just ANYONE that they have OCD. Remember a huge aspect of OCD is it’s Shame. The disorder makes us feel intense shame regarding our intrusive thoughts, as a result OCD goes undiagnosed for years especially if it has pediatric onset.

We won’t tell anyone what we are experiencing or why we are doing x y or z. We act like nothing is wrong because to emotionally react is to admit to yourself- and therefore the world- that you have had this intrusive thought and are therefore by virtue a horrible person.[For further information I would suggest also researching PANDAS].

It may be noticeable if your character has an intrusive thought. They may wince or grimace or roll their eyes certainly, but they won’t open up to Joe at the cafe about how their brain is constantly torturing them. I apparently have a very noticeable eye twitch.

Depending on the nature of the intrusive thought it will get more or less of a reaction out of me. Its usually dependent on how distressing the intrusive thought is and/or if its a new one.

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You see OCD doesn’t sit still. It never looks the same. You’ll have your long haul intrusive thoughts that are with you for years but then you’ll have weird ass ones that just appear and demand their voice be heard yelling about cars hitting people or squirrels getting eaten.

Some people have similar ones! So while everyone is different there will always be someone out there with an intrusive thought similar to yours.

For instance; I bonded emotionally with a lady on reddit because we both have intrusive thoughts during storms that animals and the homeless are dying. We were both horribly relieved to find another person and also distressed that every snow or rain storm brings horrible images and whispers to your mind that while you are warm and snug in bed someone is freezing to death. And its all your fault.

Some days are better than others. As with all mental illnesses it isn’t CONSTANT ALARM BELLS. Some days it will be all alarms and other days it will be like a gentle whisper on the breeze. You can almost not notice it. Almost.

Obsessive thoughts run the gauntlet from ‘i will/could have/may/may accidentally harm etc’ something that you hold of value. This is any obsessive thought that you have: you think about repeatedly and not by choice, it is very anxiety provoking, it is unwanted, and unwelcome.

Mine run the scale from ‘squirrel will be murdered’ to ‘being responsible for harm’.

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. In short, compulsions and rituals are not fun. they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder.

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To emphasize from post 1: magical thinking and the faulty link between thoughts and actions are hallmarks of OCD. Magical thinking can be anything from contamination to if I turn around three times or stare really hard at something the bad thing wont happen. Sounds weird and is weird and we know it is thats why its a disorder and not a delusion.

The faulty belief that thought=action is the biggest hurdle it is incredibly difficult to grasp, at least for me maybe some of you that have done further ERP can attest, that the mere concept of a thought not being the same as an action is completely and totally mind blowing.

Free will? Yeah thats terrifying. IDK about anyone else but free will is absolutely terrifying; what do you mean i could do anything i wanted?

Thats how you face OCD(WITH A TRAINED THERAPIST). You give in to ambiguity and the unknown. Its breaking that link between thought and action. Its incredibly difficult and draining. A five minute exposure leaves me in shatters for a week and two five minute ones had me ripping my nails past the nail beds with anxiety.

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Just a reminder: Do not have your character expose themself or expose folks with OCD to a trigger to “ help us get over with”. That is literally forcing someone with a mental illness into a break down and is not helpful. In fact its worse because a person knows about this intrusive thought and they tried to make it real. More shame and some trauma.

If you have OCD, more likely than not a family member or significant other has tried this with the purest of intentions. But it never works like that. Theres a reason that therapists get special training for this. If people want a post on ERP I can make one at some point.

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Actually let’s drag me with the squirrel thing as the example- fellow OCD Folks get out a pen and paper and try breaking down one of yours;

Obsession:Squirrel will be murdered

Trigger: seeing a squirrel

Intrusive thought: Graphic images of a squirrel being murdered by a hawk/ impaling depending on the day

Misinterpretation/feared consequence: Squirrel will be killed and its all my fault

Somatic and Psychological Anxiety:intense anxiety, palms sweating, heart racing,

Compulsions/Rituals: Must stare at the squirrel to prevent bad things from happening,

Now imagine if that is every time you see a fucking squirrel. You have somehow become completely and totally transfixed on a squirrel and nothing is going to pull your attention away or the squirrel dies- which your mind is giving you lovely images of btw.

Cute right?

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Below are the subtypes with general information/example thoughts/ and how some of these have impacted me socially because apparently some people dont understand that mental illnesses impact their social lives?? yall...

Social: This can range from ‘ i am constantly thinking i did something wrong so i have to ask for reassurance that we are still friends’ to completely unrealistic worries. Maybe its an intrusive thought that ‘ your voice is annoying them’ . There’s reassurance seeking, internal and external checking.

It makes friendships extremely difficult and exhausting. You’re not trying to get to know someone with an annoying frat boy egging on anxiety in your brain. This can also manifest as having strict rules for yourself and ethical codes.

My therapist likes to say she could give us (folks with OCD) a pile of hundred dollar bills and come back and they’d all be returned. Because OCD makes you so strict and morally confined. Which ISNT fun. Like I dont get pleasure over having to memorize the entire Code of Conduct!

Social Media: Its the bane of human existence some days and a lifeline the next. But what if everytime your follower count was an odd/even number it sent you into a panic attack. What if you spent all your time with intrusive thoughts that somehow someone misinterpreted a post or that someone is going to be harmed by a post you made about tapirs.

You may be forced to block people to get your number down or keep pornbots on your blog to keep your number what you like (see there is a use for them! We sacrifice those before actual users!) You may be refreshing your page every second because ‘what if you miss a message’. It's going to look a lot like ‘check check check check reassure yourself double check your posts check check check reassure check check FALSE MEMORY check your post etc’

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Clothing/Body Image: When its not Body Dysmorphia it can be OCD. Sometimes this looks like I obsess about a body part and therefore I choose my clothes/hairstyles to hide those. Some personal examples: as a kid I was sure that mind readers exist ( THIS IS AN OCD THING TOO I was so relieved to find that out) and that if i didnt wear a particular hat they would see all these horrible thoughts and it would be revealed what an awful person I was. So I wore the same dumb ass bucket hat for a year (or more I cannot remember but it was a long ass time).

I was once so fixated on being given a compliment on my eye color that I wore sunglasses (even at night) to a summer camp. And if any of those teen girls in that cabin that stood up and mocked me in a crowded lunch hall by singing ‘i wear my sunglasses at night’ you all owe me 40$.

Even younger still I had intrusive thoughts. Like say, if anyone noticed I was female that i would be kidnapped so I chopped my hair very short. I altered my appearance to be very androgynous and even switched to walking more masculine. Because omg if your hips move someones going to kill you thats just how it works. ( It doesnt help I later figured out I was a lesbian)

Your wardrobe may be impacted by OCD and yes so can your body image.

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Also yes the fear of mind readers is also a thing; i always thought I was somehow faking OCD because yes that is also a…..

Faking: Do you value telling the truth? Do you detest lying ? Boy Howdy do I have some news for you. OCD is going to try and convince you that YOU LIED. Whether it was on a chastity pledge to get a free sandwich or in a conversation you just HAD. This links a lot with false memory OCD.

Another aspect is OCD makes us doubt we have OCD and tries to convince us we have any other diagnosis under the sun and we are obviously faking our OCD.

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Sexual Orientation OCD; It is as it is called. Sexual Orientation OCD is what happens when your brain goes ‘hold on what if you’re not this orientation what if you are THAT’. It doesn’t matter where on the LGBT umbrella you fall you will have OCD trying to convince you otherwise. From compulsive staring at members of the same/opposite gender to compulsively reassuring or checking with yourself to ensure that ‘ no no you are in fact THIS orientation.’

This can range in behavior from binge watching porn, staring compulsively to check that there is OR is NOT attraction,self checking past experiences and memories, analyzing your clothing and your lifestyle in painful and intricate methods.

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False Memory OCD; False memory OCD is basically your brain sitting you in a noir interrogation room, handcuffing you to a chair grilling you. It demands that you did *insert bad thing here*. This can range from anything from something Harm based to pretty much *anything* from other OCD subtypes. Which is quite delightful really.

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Sensorimotor OCD; Sensorimotor OCD is obsessive body responses. These can be ‘ I have to cough really hard and really feel it right in my chest and if I can’t get it right I have to cough until I do’. This can be counting your heartbeats. Trying to check yourself that you in fact have a heart and checking and reassuring that it is still beating. It can be hyper-awareness of swallowing or even swallowing repeatedly. It is anything with selective attention; ie its an automated process but your OCD is forcing you to be aware of it.

Your OCD makes you aware of the sensation of, say, breathing, and then it convinces you that if you stop paying attention to it you will stop breathing. So now you’re horribly aware and focused solely on breathing and breathing alone. It keeps me up most nights with the pounding anxiety fueled by the pressure of ‘if you stop focusing on breathing you will stop breathing completely’ or waiting to feel that last heartbeat in your chest.

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Existential OCD; You ever feel existential ? Existential OCD is like having a very aggressive existential crisis that turns you into NEEDING answers IMMEDIATELY. This can look anything from hours panic scrolling the net to panic inducing anxiety because you don't know what happens after death. The thoughts are like foghorns on a misty sea.

This sounds basic and the only example i can give is as a teeny tiny 7 year old I had a panic attack in bed screaming that ‘ what if im a dinosaur and im asleep and i wake up and my whole family is GONE’.

To be fair I did like dinosaurs a lot.

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Harm OCD; This is pretty self explanatory but I will give more details. Harm OCD is OCD demanding that you will/could/can/may have/might harmed yourself/others/any living creature and that you alone are responsible.

This means anything from getting anxious driving over crosswalks because ‘what if you dont see one and hit someone and its all your fault and you hit someone go back and make sure you havent hit anyone’ to ‘im holding a knife so im going to accidentally stab someone’ to ‘ i didnt see my cat this morning and now im at work and think she must be dead and i am responsible for her demise.’

It can be as simple as ‘if i use a pencil i will stab myself in the eye’ or as complex as ‘ i may accidentally say a slur’/ ‘ i am going to say this horrible thing out loud if i cannot control myself.’ It can also be images of terror or racist/sexist/ableist jokes in your mind that repeat like a broken record.

(Please note from section 1 that this is extremely anxiety provoking and not something you would do. OCD preys on what we respect the most.)

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pOCD; Tumblr listen the fuck up because I am tired of seeing people get called shit on this website for having this mental illness. People who experience pOCD are not pedophiles, they do not get any pleasure or benefit. The thoughts and images are meant to induce harm to the person experiencing them. Children are normally the trigger for this and the resulting images can be very graphic. Again you aren’t attracted to children- thoughts of them getting harmed hurt you so your OCD makes you see them.

Know this so you can advocate for folks with pOCD in real life. Remember we are here. We are suffering and we are terrified of your children.

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Poisoning others/or in your food; Life isn’t medieval anymore but sometimes OCD demands we have a food taster or that we obsessively worry that we may kill someone with our cooking. Personally I struggle with colorblindness so I am constantly fretful over cooking any sort of meat so it’s difficult for me to cook it.

However this also comes as; obsessive horrible thoughts of your cooking kill someone or that you have somehow/accidentally poisoned someone’s food (even if you haven’t touched it or been within a foot of it ) or that someone has poisoned YOUR food even if no one has touched it except you. You’re going to be picking apart your food or unable to eat out at all.

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Emotional Contamination: It’s similar to magical thinking and this terrifying prospect of mind readers. Emotional contamination can manifest as anything from intense worry over somehow gaining someone else’s negative personality traits.

Or that somehow by interacting with any role of someone horrible will make YOU somehow also responsible for the horribleness. There is usually a person or a type of person that is a trigger, but it can also be location based.

This is one subtype where magical thinking and superstition are apparent.

For instance; as a teen if a male was in my space or had physical contact;like shaking hands,giving a high five, being in my room etc. I would have to go around and physically touch all the objects that I perceive they may have also touched as a way to cancel out their presence.

This includes wiping off myself to negate even the touch of family members. It really hurts peoples feelings, my father was especially hurt by this.

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Physical Contamination: This goes beyond physical dirt and grime. Most of us dont have spotless homes because if you’re having a fist fight with your brain everyday cleaning falls by the wayside just like it would for anyone else. Physical contamination holds 2 things: physical contamination obsessions AND compulsive cleaning behaviors/rituals. We believe that a small amount of a contaminate can cover large surfaces.

Oh, and did I mention its not JUST dirt/germs/viruses. The list is expansive but heres a mixed bag of what they can be: sticky substances,dead animals,glitter (FUCKING GLITTER),negative words or language,colors, numbers, surfaces in general, food, people, and activities. There is also a hyper responsibility to protect yourself and others from ‘contamination’.

Strangely there is a magical separation between the contaminated world and the ‘clean’ one. Spaces designated as clean would be a bedroom/bathroom/workspace where you are most active. That space is where the compulsions and intrusive thoughts occur. Its not I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Otherwise I would be working cleaning houses because why the hell not amiright?

A real world example from a colleague would be a young man with physical contamination OCD is struck with such intrusive thoughts about cleaning that they refuse to allow anyone in their room or any animals in their home. But they are not able to even flush the toilet, take out the trash, wash dishes, or do garbage because of their intrusive thoughts.

The most famous would be compulsive hand washing but I feel it is important to also note OTHER aspects of physical contamination because everyone sees the hand scrubbing stereotype.

Other compulsions include intricate rituals, not touching the floor (i played X-treme the floor is lava during college. I couldnt let my feet touch the floor because it was ‘dirty’),excessive showering (2-8+ hour showers guys, 8 hour showers. Thats what we’re talking about.)

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Relationship OCD: This comes as no surprise that yes you will have intrusive thoughts that you are somehow harming/ will harm/ may accidentally harm your significant other. Whether that be by physical or emotional means. It can look like ‘ I may have lied to her about how much I love her’, ‘ i may not actually love her and I may be leading her on’, and ‘ I must be corrupting her’. These can extend to certain physical activities with false memory OCD as a cherry on top. A great finishing garnish to leave you feeling absolutely dismayed and unable to trust your own perception.

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Scrupulosity: Religion! Whatever that may be! Its a thing with OCD. With Scrupulosity obsessive thoughts run all over the board from; you committed a sin and forgot about it you monster to having to pray continuously/ a certain time/ until its right. What is right?Ask OCD that’s the only person who knows.

We are fairly certain my grandfather had OCD because he went to church for every single Catholic Mass. Every single day. Every. Single. Day. That’s not a healthy amount of attendance(I'm calling you out posthumously because I care Robert!). This can also look like: praying a certain amount of times. Praying until you do it ‘right’. Confessing every single potential sin. Cataloguing and dwelling over ‘sinful’ things.

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Symmetry or Just Right OCD: Symmetry OCD is the runner up for ‘most likely recognized on tv shows’ award.

Symmetry OCD convinces you that if *insert thing here* isnt symmetrical or ‘just right’ (a magical position or number of objects that makes 0 logical sense) that something bad will happen.

This can range from the known; rearranging things. But it also looks like buying more objects until you reach the right amount and even throwing out objects if theres ‘too many’.

It can range from ‘the walls are percievably not straight so now i avoid that room at all costs otherwise i will be trapped traveling the edges of the wall with my eyes otherwise it will fall in and murder us ALL.’ to ‘ this historical bust is one inch off to the left and now all i see is visions of it breaking against the ground.’

So that is what I have time for. 9 pages on subtypes and basic information. If you find yourself wanting me information all of this is easily accessible online. So go, be free and dont ever compare people to Monk again. Write Batman and Scott Summers with OCD. Give us ACTUAL representation and not throw away joke lines. We are here. Our suffering isnt funny. We deserve representation too.

#OCD #writing help #OCD resources.#*drops 10 pages onto your dash* whoops

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barsformars · 4 years

Text

reaction: you flinching during an argument

req: ateez reaction to their gf flinching thinking he’s gonna hit her (he isn’t) during an argument

Seonghwa

"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE IN THE RIGHT?" seonghwa had just lifted his arm to gesture when he had yelled that and you had thought that he was going to swing it back down onto your face and so you flinched, backing away from him.

"wha-" when he saw the fear in your eyes as you looked at him, he almost immediately softened his gaze, asking, "you didn't think i was going to hit you.....right?" and you had burst out into tears at that question and seonghwa would just hug you and reassure you that he will never ever be like the ones before him.

Hongjoong

"CAN YOU STOP COMING INTO MY STUDIO? IT'S PISSING ME OFF!" hongjoong shot up from his seat and slammed his headphones onto the table before approaching you. afraid that he was going to hit you, you immediately ran to hide behind the couch and you crouched down, burying your face in your knees.

"please don't hit me, im sorry im sorry im sorry, please don't hit me...."

"baby i-" seeing you curled up into a ball, so vulnerable and weak, made his heart shatter and he regrets venting his frustrations you. he slowly sits himself down beside you and caresses your hair "im not going to hurt you....im sorry."

Yunho

"IM JUST TIRED! CAN YOU STOP ALL THIS NONSENSE?" you had noticed that yunho was feeling down when he came home and it was out of the norm since he rarely gets upset. so you decided to try and cheer him up, talk to him about it or offer him ice cream but he just got mad at you.

yunho's already so much bigger and taller than you so when he had raised his hands to tug at his hair, you thought that he was raising his hand to hit you and you flinched, bringing your arms up to block.

"y/n.....i promised I wouldn't be like him. do you not trust me?" yunho asked through gritted teeth, clearly disappointed at himself that he couldn't gain your trust.

Yeosang

"I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO BE MY MAID, GET OUT!" you had decided to tidy up yeosang's room so that he could come home to a clean environment but it really irked him to see you ruffle through his things and he didn't like seeing you do chores for him either.

yeosang reached out to grab the dustpan but you thought that he was going for your wrists and you automatically jumped away from the table, hiding both wrists behind your back.

"y/n....?? are you afraid of me?" yeosang's facial expression just became even more gloomy, not because of you but because he was mad at himself.

San

"GO HOME IF YOU'RE TIRED, STOP WHINING!" san raised his hand to gesture at the door of the dance studio but you were tugging at his sleeves so you thought that he was going to hit you for bugging him and you fell to the floor immediately, clutching your head with your hands.

san would be in shock when he saw you look so afraid and he would squat down beside you and remove your hands from your head gently. "baby, im sorry i scared you. but trust me, ill never hit you, never ever ever."

Mingi

"IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP NOW, IM GONNA-" mingi paused the game and held the controller with one hand, pointing it towards you and you flinched, your hands pushing the controller away from you. mingi had had a really bad day and you rambling on and on about meaningless things while he was trying to play games to destress just made his blood boil and so you were scared that he was going to hit you with the controller. when he saw that you flinched, his voice became softer immediately.

"im gonna lose....." he would get all teary eyes when you peeked through the gaps of your fingers, your whole body shaking. "baby, did I scare you? im sorry....."

Wooyoung

"I DONT WANT IT!" wooyoung slapped the bowl of food out of your hands, causing it to spill all over the floor. he had been dieting for an upcoming photoshoot but you could tell that he wasn't doing very well with it. yes he was losing weight but he was also getting more irritable and so you decided to cook him some of his favourite food. wooyoung regretted his actions right away and took a step closer to you to apologise but you stumbled backwards in fear, causing you to fall to the ground.

he had extended a hand to help you up as he repeated the words "sorry" but you balled up and started crying as bad memories flooded back into your mind.

"y/n....please don't cry....im really sorry."

Jongho

"YOU'RE SO ANNOYING!" jongho was exhausted and was having some personal problems that he didn't tell anyone so you thought that nothing was wrong with him. until you were laughing so hard at a funny video on youtube that Jongho got so irritated he yelled at you, causing the whole atmosphere to turn ice cold. he groaned as he stood up from his seat and walked over to you and you immediately balled up at the corner of the couch, afraid that he was going to hit you.

"y/n....i just wanted to ask you to have a talk with me. im sorry if i reminded you of him, but i promise that I'll never be like him. i love you too much."

#ateez scenarios #ateez reactions #ateez imagines #ateez writings #ateez #ateez ot8 #requested

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thoschei-rights · 4 years

Text

A collection of Who fic ideas I cant be motivated to write

SEASON 12 FINALE SPOILERS INCLUDED.

some of these are really shit half-ideas and some are just so bad, im sorry but i need someone to write these bc i suck at writing- ilysm

1. So Clara can’t get back to Trap Street because Gallifrey is gone and I doubt its coming back this time, because they don’t deserve it- but imagine if Clara unknowingly arrived on Gallifrey, saw the destruction and then saw a small gaggle of humans making their way towards the broken citadel and she’s like oya oya I smell a conspiracy- and thus we get Clara there, and are you telling me when she finds out the truth, she isn’t going to smack The Master round the face because he’s the only Time Lord left in the Universe and she needs to get her anger out at them somehow- idk where it goes from here but I think about Thirteen and Clara a lot.

2. The Master is that child on the cliff with the Timeless Child, I’ve seen this idea around and I love it but I have no idea how I’d really write it, I just love the idea and want more people to write this thanks??

3. Angsty plot but imagine if Yaz, Graham and the other two humans got into the Cybersuits and couldn’t get back out? Like the suit took them? Thought oh hey new flesh yum good stuff?? And woops Graham you doylum you accidentally converted the four of yall into Cybermen while thinking yall clever.

4. Someone needs to write Thirteen finding out where she’s from though, and hopefully she finds out her original race aren’t all assholes and she has somewhere she actually belongs. Make it Madagascar 2 style like at first she feels like the odd one out, doesn’t fit in, does something wrong and feels outcasted, scared to be alone again but bOOM she isn’’t and someone is there for her, heck even give her parents or smth, i just want her to belong, to have a family she knows wont leave her after only a few years like all the companions do, someone of her own species who dont age in the blink of an eye like humans- :’) am i trying to redeem myself for all the torture i put thirteen through

5. The prison is Stormcage and River hears about the fact they have a new maximum security prisoner and they are really rare bc sure the universe has lots of psychos but only the worst of the worst land themselves in the block the doctor is in and she’s like hmm I wonder- and boom prison break happens as soon as River finds out who it is and whats just happened to her :’)

6. Dhawan!Master barely escaping Gallifrey with The Doctor, the two forces to escape in the same Tardis since its the only one in range, but he’s been hit ever so slightly by the death particle, enough that his body is forced to regenerate and he becomes Missy and Thirteen is just on shock because OH it all makes sense now- Missy didn’t revert to her old ways, she’d not BEEN Missy yet, and finally there’s some hope in the Dark for Thirteen. Also Thrissy because I’m gay for Thrissy.

7. That 12.9 ending scene but instead of just standing in shock and fear and anger, the Doctor paces over to the smug bitch who just yeeted out of that boundary, slaps him across the face and then snogs the fuck outta him. Thoschei rights. Preach.

8. When The Doctor blows the Matrix, her wiped memories start coming back to her and while in prison she has to experience some of these returning terrors alone, with no comfort. Lots of angst. Make it really dark and sad. Make me sob my heart out.

9. The Matrix takes more energy from Thirteen than she thought and when yanking from Yaz’s hold to go blow up the Master and the Cybermasters, she collapses from exhaustion and is unconscious while Yaz takes her place and sacrifices herself. When Thirteen wakes, its too late and she has to live in a Universe with no Yaz, just even more shit for her to try and process, its all too much.

10. Somehow rumour of the true creation of the time lords gets out among the stars, it suddenly becomes common knowledge, “did you hear about the doctor?” “the time lords experimented on her, as a child, stole her dna for themselves” and “they wiped her memories, forced her to revert to a child” and maybe even “i heard they trapped her in a confession dial for 4.5 billion years-” “wha- 4.5 BILLION years?” and suddenly everyone knows the time lords dirty secret but they also know the fragments of the doctors past, and eventually these rumours reach people who know her well, her friends whom are still among the stars, Bill, Clara and Me, Jack, River, hell anyone you wanted, and these companions are like shit we need to find the doctor?? maybe some of them break her outta prison or?? maybe some stumble upon her after shes reunited with the fam and the fam end up finding out too, after thirteen tries not to let them know too much?? idk?? this one is very ambiguous on details so go with it as you want

11. any form of feral baby thirteen. just anything where she snaps at any point will make me happy. just give me. give. me.

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blue-eyedangel21 · 4 years

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I’m sorry..

So I wrote a whole essay yesterday only for tumblr to be really stupid and I lost it. Anyways, I came to write out my feelings and my thoughts before being done with this tumblr. I've mentioned this tumblr to you before and you didn't care enough to even look at it for yourself. So I'm sure me typing all this is a huge waste of time but its worth losing this amount of time to let out everything I need to, to move on. It's time I put this all in my past. So we tried again recently. And I fucked it up. Because that's all I've been doing for years now. I'm really sorry, truly, for how i behaved and lashed out on you. It's not okay how I handled that situation. But I have told people time and time again that I am NOT doing well mentally or emotionally. And I was not kidding nor exaggerating, as you had to find out the hard way. I did try to calm myself down when I was mad and said how I felt and what I thought at first in the most calm way I knew how then you proceeded to be an asshole and talk to me sideways. So I lost my shit. You had the opportunity to see my ugly"asshole" side. You say I can't handle yours when I dealt with it for a year, but you couldn't handle mine after ONE time of lashing out on you. I did NOT ghost you. I told you in the voice clip, that I was done. YOU said you weren't listening to it. So therefore it was your fault that you didn't know i was done. Your fault that you didn't take the time to hear what I had to say and went around saying I ghosted you. In that moment of anger, I was done with you. But of course like always after my anger and feelings have calmed down, I felt like shit and regretted how I behaved and the stupid decisions I make when I'm upset. So in all of that out of control emotion, I lost you. And IT IS MY FAULT. And yes I do regret it. But what is done is done. I admitted to being the problem. But im not all of what was wrong in that relationship. You too had issues of your own that you did not hold yourself accountable for. And I dont find it fair that I had no problem admitting I was the issue and holding myself accountable for that and my behavior. However I rarely ever heard you own up to your shit. So I'm not taking all the blame but I can take most of it because some of it was me too and not just you. But I bet you are okay with me taking the blame for all of it. The constant leaving you was not because I wanted to but because of how you made me feel. Yet I felt like I couldn't live with you, I also couldn't live without you. And that was the confusing part. Why i probably kept going back and forth. I never felt this way about anyone . I never felt like I couldn't live with them but I couldn't live without them either. You have disrespected me many times and I bit my tongue and said nothing. My whole life I've been around drama and bullshit and narcissistic abuse.. so I dont know how to be confrontational in a healthy way or how to communicate effectively without feeling like im always the problem or im wrong or my feelings are wrong. And etc. It's hard to explain but a lot of that has to do with what I had to deal with growing up and still somewhat dealing with it as an adult. So im trying to break myself from bad, unhealthy, toxic behaviors and habits. So thats why im still doing and reacting the way i am. I am 25 years old and still dealing with that shit, its not part of my past yet, but it will be. So thats just explaining why I'm like this, not excusing it. So the times I left were mostly YOUR fault. But you also left at least 2 times too..so it isn't all me. Every time I would for sure leave you alone, youd come running back. Just when I thought I could move on here you were. And sometimes I was the one running back. Like I said i was confused. But im not running back this time. I'm not gonna reach out to you. I dont hate you nor do I love you any less. I still love you with all of my heart and that hasn't changed nor will it ever even if that has changed for you because of how I've hurt you. But for me this is speaking my truth. And thsts the truth. I'm sorry that i threw everything we were trying to build together, in the garbage over an argument and because of my emotions and my mental health being so terrible. If I could go back and change that I would but we are better off going our separate ways. I'm sorrh I had to block you but I had to block Sierra too. I do not appreciate her posts. Feel what she may but what I wrote was honest and wasn't just about you but about others I've hurt along the way. You are not the only one. I don't care that she feels that way or if she doesn't like me anymore. She's not in my shoes nor are you, to understand or try to understand. I already admitted to being the issue so if she didn't like what I posted on my fb she could've just deleted and blocked me. But instead of reacting in a bad way i deleted and blocked her because i dont need negativity when im trying to heal and move on. I dont need her judgmentYou sent19 minutes agoNor do I need yours. You are always gonna see me as the bad guy and that's fine. But im no longer looking at myself that way. I'm seeing a woman who is trying to break herself from toxic ways and toxic behavior but is struggling to do it while also going through a lot of shit. Im flawed just like you..I'm not perfect. Not even close to it. I've been understanding and patient and always trying to see your perspective and its never really been a two ways street with you. You expect that from me but don't expect to give it back. And I'm tired of that. Been tired of that. I put it in alot of effort to make shit work when I was trying to fix things but I got tired, Bee. I didn't take you seriously because every time I tried to i didnt feel like you were taking it seriously enough to change your ways and your lifestyle. I wanted you to work so you had an income to better yourself and your future and also to help tatianna with Julian. As a single mom it is hard to take care of a kid by yourself and I wanted you to try to help her financially at least. And not only a job but to stop drinking because I don't want you to end up in a coffin at such a young age. And to leave behind your son. How fair is that to Julian? I love you, bee. I never want anything bad to happen to you even if you don't believe that. You're the only one who doesn't see how much i love you or how bad you have had an emotional toll on me. For some reason you're blinded by all of that. You say i didn't love you but if i hadn't I would've been done with you the very first time we broke up in November . But no I fell hard for you and put a lot of effort and love into us only for us to fall apart. So.. I hope you know i wanted a family with you too. I wanted to wake up next to you and my daughter, and one day maybe. Not just my daughter. But a child of our own. With big blue eyes and curly hair.. that looked like you. I wanted a lil boy that looked like you with my eyes and hair and your face. I wanted that more than i could tell you. I never could tell you that because i got embarrassed. But I wanted that, with you. Not anyone else and now i feel like that I don't want another relationship. Nor do i want to even bother starting over with someone else and feeling like this again. I don't even care anymore. Im so drained and exhausted. You were the love of my life. I fucked it up and now the bed I made, I have to lay in. So yeah you get the satisfaction of knowing I'm hurting and regretting what I did. But I get the satisfaction of never allowing myself to make this mistake again with another person and to focus on my issues with myself so I don't bring this kind of baggage and problems into my future relationships. So maybe it's for the better that we move on. Maybe one day you can forgive me enough to not hate me and maybe if I'm lucky enough to at least call you my friend. I loved you like I've never loved anyone and it is hard to write without crying but I know that sometimes life is pain and heartbreak and that if we were ever meant to be than maybe somewhere down the road we could rekindle a friendship or more but maybe the timing is off and you were my right person but wrong time. . Maybe you'll come back...maybe you won't but please know you had my heart like no others. I felt that in my soul. I felt it when I looked at you. When I thought about you. When i talked about you. When I looked in your eyes. When you smiled or laughed. When you were doing whatever and I was just staring at you. With every kiss. Every moment in your arms. When you were sleeping so peacefully. When you were being you, I felt like i was home and I cant tell you the last time i felt that way. It was when my grandma was alive. So to find someone who was even close to feeling like home is a serious misfortune to lose like this. And losing you and this relationship will be a grieving process for me. I had to lose the one thing that brought me happiness, wholeness and love. So I'm heartbroken it has come to this because of my actions. But I love you Bee. Please take care of yourself.

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bluubard · 4 years

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just a little vent because im really, really tired, my anxiety’s been kicking my ass hard for the last few weeks, and i just feel on the end of my rope dealing with shit even though i literally said i was doing fine in therapy today (spoiler: im not fine)

i feel like i need to preface myself. let it be known. i do not hate my friends. in fact, i care for them quite a bit. i care about their wellbeing, their happiness and health. i enjoy their friendship, and presence, and spending time with them. what i do hate is pity, myself, and the fact that trauma has made my brain so fucked like this to begin with.

so, long story short, its sad boi times, i’m super fuckin’ lonely and isolated, and the grand idea that i’m always gonna be that way - that i’ll never have a partner or a best friend i can just... lean on, bar nothing, nor a happy fulfilling life really rears its ugly head and hurts like a motherfucker sometimes. nothing new.

a long story long...

so i’m a pretty fucking depressing person in general, right? i’m not pleasant and i know it. i bitch a lot, i’m salty, i’m absolutely not the nicest, and a lot of the time i come off a lot meaner and more bitter than i’d like. i don’t mean to. i try to be positive or to look out for others, y’know? at the end of the day, i’m just like every other person. i just want to be liked. to be wanted. to belong.

most of the time... i never feel that way. and like, y’know? its nobody’s fault, really. i know it’s past abandonment and abuse that makes my brain think everyone actually hates me. but sometimes that feeling is founded, which is i suppose how my brain gets away with still feeling like that to begin with.

i’m forgettable. i’m nobody’s best friend, i don’t think i’m lovable - not likeable either, really - nor partner material though i wish i was, and im so sick of being so fucking lonely all the time. i don’t even think my friends consider me friends generally. i’m not really anyone’s friend, yeah? i’m an acquaintance they have to put up with and tolerate when i inflict myself on them.

you know those memes, that are like always making fun of the weakling, the friend who walks behind everyone or who gets picked last in the group (if they’re included at all), that friend who’s never invited to things, or gets pitied? that’s me.

or debatably worse, means so little that if i just disappeared, it wouldn’t matter even a mote. that one really stings. that one i know for a fact is true, and i don’t mean that in a guilt tripping way. just that it’s the way it is. it really kills me.

and like..... i don’t have any irl friends. i didn’t come from a great background anyway, but i attracted a lot of trouble and negativity and in my own pain i pushed away a lot of people and hid until i didn’t know how to be human anymore, and now i can’t, and im alone. there is literally nobody that would actively come check on me or drag me out of my house if i was feeling down. and i’ve tried. i really tried. it’s hard sometimes, to try. maybe being a narcissist or a serial abuser’s playtoy is the only thing i am good for. and this is even before covid, much less now where everyone’s isolated or else.

the people i can genuinely say i love with all my stupid little heart are all across the country and the world. even people i care about in the same state are hours and hours away across literal mountains. that’s all i’ve got. long distance internet friends. and i feel selfish and terrible because i want more and i hate it.

all of those friends have partners. and if they don’t have partners, they already have their best friends. their irl pals. their communities, and groups, and friend-families and companions and lives and just.... i don’t mean that badly. everyone is more than entitled to their life and happiness and i guess i just....

i wish i was part of that. for someone.

i don’t want to be an obligation to respond to, or just..... someone on the edges. the fringe friend. and with online friends i am, i absolutely am, worse than anything. im something to pity and tolerate when the real time is spent having fun with their actual friends and loved ones. i’m nothing to anybody. i know if i just walked away, just closed down discord, blog, wherever else and vanished, nobody would ... i dont know. they’d just shrug, go ‘eh, whatever’ and move on easy and simple. no worry. no concern. and that’s great for them, but i just... want someone to care on principle. its not the guilt trip of the action. it’s the idea of i wish someone would care if something happened to me.

i hate internet friends because i don’t want them to be internet friends. some of the amazing people i know i just wish i could see, whenever i wanted. that i could hang out with them, bring ice cream and bad movies when they’re sad, see and hear them laugh, and have fun, and care. i wish i could just have a big house and my friends could be housemates, or live in the same apartment block, or a fucking little cottagecore farm commune out in the woods where we can all live off the land and each other and grow crops and animals and just be happy. or just... something. something. but i know i’ll never be included in that. everyone else would go. be happy to see each other. just... without me, the ‘not really a friend’, the fucking acquaintance, the stupid, stupid naive little idiot.

i’m so touch starved and sleep deprived and exhausted. my heart always hurts and i’m so full of anxiety and i just. just desperately, DESPERATELY need a hug, and just to be told “bluu, it’s gonna be okay, you matter to me and i care” but you can’t do that when it isn’t actually true. you just can’t. you can’t fake that.

i know nobody would go to bat for me. i’m alone in my own corner. if i have a breakdown, i have to have it alone and shoulder myself because nobody’s gonna be there at my side. i know i’m always gonna be watching from the sidelines, as everyone else is happy, and doing their thing, and has their family and loved ones and i...... shouldn’t even fucking exist.

and i dont want pity. i dont want platitudes or ‘i’m sorry’ or guilt, or ‘i would but...’ or any of that shit. nobody’s supposed to feel bad over this. i’m not in the business of toxic guilting, and im not in the business of fake friendships. that would defeat the purpose of literally anything.

i just...... really wished i had someone who would hold me up and (platonically or romantically. anything.) go “this one! This is the one I want to keep around for as long as possible, please. i want this one.”

and no matter how hard i wish and pray, that’s just something i’ll never have, and i know it.

#bluu babbles #negativity #vent #im not... like. suicidal by the way. i know some of this wording is a little alarming #fuck i dont know like passively suicidal or whatever they call it idfk. i have no plans nor am i a danger to myself is the takeaway here #im just some big huge level of emotionally tired stressed and being so isolated is once again starting to get to me #it's stupid #anyway its not important #carry on with yalls day i apologize for clouding up anyones timeline with my inane bullshit #or feed or....whatever #this was hard for me to write and i started crying while writing it how pathetic lol

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ravenaveira · 4 years

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Just wanna clarify a few things after my long review/rant at the end for KH3 Re:Mind

My comments about the Sokai stuff I stand by, but I wanna be clear because I see Sokai shippers claiming antis complained about the lack of Sokai for it to be a believable relationship and now that Sokai has more moments we’re complaining about them shoving Sokai down our throats.

I cant speak for all antis on this, so I’ll be strictly speaking for myself on this issue and anyone else who feels similar to me. Warning it gets long again so be ready.

Yes Im one of those antis who complained about the lack of Sokai which made it underdeveloped and unbelievable, and yes I am also complaining about them now shoving Sokai down our throats.

Why? because Kingdom hearts is not a romance, and throughout every single game so far romance has taken a severe back seat and handled very subtely. For example Sora’s drawing in the cave of him giving Kairi the Paopu fruit, Riku teasing him about wanting to give one to Kairi, Sora saying hes always with her and promising to come back for her, Roxas calling Kairi ‘the girl he likes’ etc

All these moments were very short, subtle, and to the point. It was not a primary focus nor was it blatantly shoved in your face like

youtube

I mean in almost EVERY shot they were together Sora was holding her hand, which isnt something he usually does? keep in mind Sora and Kairi’s feelings have been known to eachother since KH2 and Sora still didnt behave the way he is now. He was always very awkward and uncomfortable/shy when it came to romance.

In KH2 Sora didnt hug Kairi, nor did he hold her hand, it was KAIRI who initiated the hug out of relief and happiness to see Sora again and that hes ok. Sora did not show the same sentiment and treated her like he always has, just casually walking up to her and just nonchalantly saying ‘You are different Kairi, but Im just glad your here’ as if she wasnt kidnapped and being held hostage this entire time. He should have showed the same concern for her as he did for Riku and Kairi for him but he did not, he just said that and then turned away and apologized.

But in KH3 Sora/Nomura pull a complete 180, Sora hugs Kairi to shield her from Terranort with his body instead of pulling out his keyblade and blocking his attack. Him hugging Kairi there was not only stupid, but it doesnt even defend her, Terranort will just kill Kairi AND him now. That was just a forced out of place Sokai moment for the sake of shoving a Sokai moment that was completely unnessecary and could of easily had the same impact by having Sora do the common sense thing and BLOCK with his keyblade like he did for Riku when they were in THE EXACT SAME SITUATION.

See the difference? good, then I need say no more.

This is only one of many situations where they would shoehorn in a Sokai moment that was completely out of place, didnt make any sense, or just forced in trying way too hard to convince you how much Sora cares for Kairi and how much they love and want to be together forever etc etc

Another example being when everybody ‘dies’ in the keyblade graveyard being swept away by heartless. Sora only loses his mind and breaks down emotionally after Kairi is the last one swept away, he then says the most inconsiderate line he could have ever said.

He says this while RIKU IS RIGHT THERE BESIDE HIM, even if you were arguing he was just speaking figuratively thats still no excuse, he was NOT alone but at that moment he just completely disregarded Riku as if his presence there was the same as being alone.

Not only that but seconds later he does one of the most out of character things for him.

Sora just WATCHES Riku risk his life holding back the heartless to protect him and Sora just WATCHES him fighting off this huge horde of heartless BY HIMSELF and not ONCE does Sora make ANY attempt to get up and help Riku despite knowing his life is at risk trying to hold them back alone.

Even if you wanna argue Sora was in shock, when has that ever stopped him before!? when have you EVER known Sora to just sit back and watch his friends put their lives in danger and NOT help them?

What makes this worse is thats not even the first time he does it, he sits back and watches AGAIN as Axel gets bodied right infront of him just to have him exhausted next to Kairi because you know, Sora’s never fought strong opponents and gotten right back up to protect his friends before.

Remember Terranort? Sora was overpowered by him and still made the effort to run over and hug Kairi to shield her from his attack, but Axel and Riku? nah just gonna chill and watch. This is BEYOND out of character for Sora.

When Axel told Sora to hurry and save Kairi, who was being held hostage by the organization and was in danger, Sora refused to leave him and stayed behind to help him fight. Sora chose helping Axel over Kairi, he put saving his enemy before his own friend/love interest.

When Neku betrayed him, Sora still helped and protected him when he was in danger

When Riku stole his keyblade and Donald and Goofy followed him and left Sora behind, yes Sora was discouraged but when he saw Beasts determination to save Belle no matter what, it encouraged Sora to do the same for the people he cared about

I could go on but you get my point, Sora saw Riku risking his life, literally dying and he did NOTHING, try to justify that all you want but that was incredibly out of character and was obviously put there to show how losing Kairi broke him.

I know your probably gonna argue it wasnt just Kairi it was everybody, and to that I say this, if it wasnt just about Kairi why didnt Sora snap when Ven and Axel got bodied? he froze for a few seconds but then snapped out of it thanks to Riku. After that everybody gets swept away, but the game made sure to put EXTRA emphasis, slow motion and all, to Kairi and Sora reaching out to eachother and then Kairi being swept away by the tide.

THATS when he snaps, if it truly werent just about Kairi they wouldnt have made sure to put emphasis on her being swept away, EVERYONE would have gotten the same treatment if it were truly their deaths also that made Sora fall apart. Im not saying he wasnt upset or heartbroken over them, Im pointing out how they made sure to single out Kairi as the most DEVASTATING loss out of all of them.

Yet again, he has Riku one of his closest bonds if not the closest right beside him yet he doesnt even acknowledge him? he says hes alone even though Rikus right there? you cannot justify that as anything other than downplaying Riku to boost Kairi up.

You do not see the other trios treated this way, every trio has equal focus for ALL of them and even the romantic hints for some of them [Roxas/Xion, Terra/Aqua, technically Namine/Repliku] have all been treated equally and did not feel forced or out of place but very natural and they still made sure to focus on the friendship bond between them overall.

Axel doesnt get played down in importance to Roxas just to boost Xion up, their friendship and bond with eachother are equally important to one another despite whatever ‘romance’ there might be. Same applies to Terra and Aqua, Ven is not played down in importance to them. As for Namine and Repliku they arent a trio but their romance was still handled well and it didnt overshadow their platonic bond or attempt to play down the real Riku or vice versa to boost the other, Namine was equally important to both of them.

So balancing romance and friendship CAN be done in their trio, but for some reason Nomura insists on pitting one against the other and playing down one over the other, in Sokai’s case thats Riku, which is an insult to his and Sora’s bond. The same way Sokai shippers felt the over-focus on Sorikus bond was a disservice to Sora and Kairi’s bond, its the same issue.

But lets get back to Re:mind because besides a few bad moments, overall KH3 was atleast passable with the Sokai nonsense. Then comes Re:Mind and oh boy...the damage control was strong in this one.

Again as I said earlier the Sokai moments in this game were very forced and out of place and in many ways out of character for Sora.

For starters the excessive hand holding, why? to convince us their a thing? but Sora suggests otherwise

Even after all the excessive hand holding, the hugs, the forced moments etc, in the end Sora still calls Kairi a friend. After aaaaall the forced Sokai bs they shoved down our throats Sora still friendzones her, which is it Nomura? you either want them together or you dont, stop playing games and pick a side already.

Dont get me wrong Im glad he hasnt made it official yet but after all this its like enough is enough, either follow through or cut this shit out and go back to being subtle like before.

Another huge insult was Sora constantly saying how his journey started with Kairi, since when? I remember Sora losing Kairi AND Riku that day not just her. I recall Sora not going back to Destiny Islands with Kairi BECAUSE he wanted to continue his journey to find Riku, but apparently in Re:mind it was just all about Kairi, nothing about his journey involved Riku no it was only Kairi that was his main motivation, gtf outta here man.

You can say something over and over but that doesnt make it true, Sora’s journey started with BOTH of them, lets stop playing down Riku’s importance to once again boost Kairi up.

That hug when Sora finally reunited with Kairi after restoring her was so obviously trying to make up for all the years of people complaining about Sora’s lack of reaction to Kairi in KH2 in comparison to Riku, so having him hold her for several seconds floating in the sky should rectify that right? you believe he cares about her now right? fuck off man. If your gonna do damage control than atleast dont make it so obvious that thats what your doing because then it comes off disingenuous, forced, and fake.

But my biggest issue is the ending where they really shoehorned Sokai where it didnt belong, literally stalking everyone else with the exception of returning Namines heart and Sora helping to reunite Chirithy with Ventus. But in Twilight town, why were Sora and Kairi there? they werent with Roxas but just sitting above them

Why were they at Mickeys castle? again their just in the background sight seeing.

These scenes were completely unnessecary and completely out of place and made the ending WORSE rather than better. Why? because these are Sora’s final hours ALIVE whether you argue only for a day or a couple days, in all of these ending scenes only one thing matters to Sora and thats Kairi.

Before we assumed everything that was shown all happened the same exact day and we didnt see Sora with any of them. But now we have confirmation Sora WAS there yet he only spent his last remaining time with Kairi in the background while quietly stalking everyone else? even if he didnt spend time with anyone else, he should have spent his last remaining time with Kairi AND Riku, after all hes his best friend and would like to spend what little time he may have with Sora too but we dont see any of that. Hell this contradicts Soras own danm words to Chirithy prior to this.

Instead of just shoehorning a bunch of Sokai in the background why not show the three of them FINALLY all together again like the old days? this is wtf Im talking about. We saw ALL the other trios together but the Destiny trio? hell naw fuck Riku lets have Sora spend all his remaining time with Kairi, thats the only one who REALLY matters here. After being separated from eachother constantly, now they finally have the chance to be together again and spend time together as friends and they DONT.

Instead Sora decides to take Kairi around the worlds hes visited, something he said he wanted to do with Riku as well, and just spend all his remaining time with her, even though in the base game before the final battle Sora was concerned why Riku was all alone and not spending time with them together. But here? nah fuck Riku. I remembered how important it is to share moments with friends only applied to Kairi.

So personally idc that theres more Sokai moments, my problem is the execution. It doesnt feel genuine, it feels forced and awkward and just doing damage control to pander to the rabid fanbase thats been screaming for this type of content for years, well congrats, you got it.

My problem is Kingdom Hearts was never about romance, it was always subtle and not shoved in your face, it felt natural and not forced and like there was atleast SOME heart behind it, but this? just felt hollow and forced.

Just stop, Im glad in the end Kairi just sleeps for a whole year and probably still will be sleeping when the next game comes out and the focus will shift to Riku and his search for Sora along with the other keyblade wielders doing their part as well.

So Im thankful it seems like we’re done with this crap and getting back to what ACTUALLY matters and what people really wanna see from this series.

Notice how nothing in either of my posts had to do with Soriku as a couple but about their bond as friends, enough said.

So dont try to twist this into just being about pairings because its not, its about what this series has always been about being forgotten for the sake of a fucking trash ship that nobody cares about besides rabid shippers and Sora’s bonds with his other friends being completely thrown out the fucking window to shorehorn in a bunch of unnessecary Sokai moments as a desperate attempt to convince people that these two love eachother which at this point if you have to try so hard to CONVINCE people of your pairing its obvious your doing a very shitty job at it.

Im done, this is my last long post about this for a while but I really needed to get that all out there since nobody else seems to be calling it out for what it is. My anger and frustration is still very fresh and it shows so I really need to stop talking about it because at this point? Re:Mind just ReMinded me why the Destiny trio is the worst out of them all, it is the most unbalanced and quite frankly feels more like Riku is a third wheel at this point and not even a part of the trio anymore. Before Kairi, it was always Sora and RIku yet hes the one whos being pushed aside and forgotten about in all this. That pisses me off.

So Im done with this topic, I need to cool off for the next couple of years till the next game comes out where hopefully Kairi stays asleep the entire time and NOT ruin another game.

#kh3 remind spoilers #kh3 #kingdom hearts 3 #anti-sokai #anti-kairi #FDB-kairi

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missjackil · 4 years

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My 15x07 Opinion

Last Call

Personal discomfort aside, I thought the episode was overall pretty good. I can be objective and understand that just because I don't like something, doesn't make it bad. Sometimes, it's really just personal taste. Me being “anti Saileen” has nothing at all to do with Eileen herself. I like the character, I like the actress I even like hers and Sam’s friendship, and think it's adorable that Sam is learning sign language. What upsets me is adding the romantic-potential sex element to it. It isn’t needed, it changes a sweet pure relationship into meaningless sex at least, and potential separation of the brothers at worst, and a new way to break Sam’s heart all in the middle. Call me old fashioned but meaningless sex is never good for anyone. It’s never truly meaningless, someone WILL get hurt. Sam is also completely over wanting to leave Dean for a “normal life” even if all the monsters are gone. But that all being said, let’s have at it.

Dean really needs to clean his room! Well, he manages to find a case, goes to gather up Sam and finds him and Eileen making a big breakfast in the kitchen. Now I dont know what Supernatural hangovers are like but even when I have had a hungry hangover, I was not in the mood to make the food myself. If no one was making me bacon and eggs, I would eat potato chips LOL but Dean seemed like a lot of alarms went off in his head when he asks “Are you two hung over?” and as much as he was trying to be supportive of Sam “gettin some” I think he seemed uncomfortable and even a little sad about it. But he’s got to be the big brother and tell Sam to have fun 😀as he is screaming internally. 😱

Dean sets out on his own to Texas and meets up with some random creepy Sherrif that thinks Dean should go to Hollywood because he has “the look”. (???)

Dean rolls into Swayze’s bar where you can carry your gun but not your cellphone (rut roh) and meets up with an old hunting buddy, Lee. Now I know many of you were beside yourselves on a cringe-fest about this but seriously it was fine. I like the Yellow Fever throwback, and I always like when the boys talk about pre-series things and how John was. Dean and Lee were apparently friends as teenagers if John was pissed they had gotten trashed, and Dean said “I havent seen you since Sammy was in Stanford” so Im getting the impression they knew each other for several years.

Meanwhile back at the ranch.. errrr,, um... bunker. Sam and Eileen are researching and oh my... Eileen is just mentally exhausted and needs a break, as does Sam, but whatever will they do in this huge fortress equipped with about 20 random beds, a shower room, dungeon etc?? Well, Eileen can think of a few. but now here’s Sam, with about half a teaspoon of a smile, and then a face of “Oh my dear friend.... you dont know how terrible an idea that is” And upon my first watch, it looked to me like Sam was about to kiss her when he took her hand, but on the second watch, he looked like he was sad and about to let her down easy.

But here comes Cas, who I was never so happy to see in my life!! Great cock block Cas!! But not so fast! He needs to probe Sam a little (snicker) Okay but I have to say something... Im not complaining about seeing Sam skin, i wont ever do that but how much dramatic skin revealing is necessary for this little booboo? I tried it out myself as I sat here in a flannel and tshirt, like Sam and I only needed to pull my shirt over 2 inches to show the same spot he was showing LOL yes sometimes I do appreciate “a little something for the Sam girls” fan service ;)

Okay so Cas’s probing of Sam’s wound got him slammed against the wall and knocked out. Dean is going to just forbid Cas to be in the same room as Sam pretty soon right? Cas cant get a hold of Dean, why? Because they collected his cell phone at the bar that he is now on stage singing at!

I thought the singing was pretty great. I love how nervous Dean was and there is no reason on Earth why anyone thinks “canon was broken” because Dean sounded good, because 1) It was an easy song with no difficult voice range or harmony and 2) Every single one of you, yes all of you, can sing better when you’re actually trying, than when you're goofing around singing in the car. Y’all just sound like bitter wet blankets. Just chill and enjoy what we have left. 😜

Meanwhile, Cas can’t heal Sam so he calls on good ole Serge from last season. Serge not-so-subtly drops the existence of the key to Death’s Library on our laps. Im not speculating yet as to what that would be for, but I do know we don’t know what Sam’s “true forever” death is caused by, though I think he has to be killed by Dean.

Serge can help Sam, then Sam is dying, then Cas is threatening Serge’s niece (savage!) then he’s healing Sam but Sam is freaking out, seeing Chuck’s memories and then he’s back!

Dean, of course, finds out the hard way that his old buddy is a killer feeding a monster in his basement, typical Thursday. I thought the fight was kinda cool and the dialogue was pretty good. Glad to see Dean coming back to caring because somebody has to.

Now Dean’s home, Sam is okay... Cas and Eileen sorta fade into the background. Sam explains his link to Chuck or as much as he knows of it, and optimistically tells Dean he believes they can beat him.

So yeah, I liked this episode and will even moreso if next week we find out Sam let Eileen down easy and she went about her way. It lacked bromance so it will lose points for that. It is rewatchable yet won't make my top 50.

So on a scale of Bloodlines to Lebanon Ill give Last Call a 6.5.

See you next week for the Mid Season Finale!!

#15x07 spoilers #last call spoilers #my opinion

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cbocstar · 4 years

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update update of my feeelings

i need to really use this blog as a way to write my feelings down instead of ...overly emotionally exhausting my friends with my emotions LOL. i guess because of the messages box it feels safe so i can unwind my thoughts to the point when it should of just been placed in my blog instead. I think that’s something i need to work on as well... to maybe seek therapy or seek help of jus talking to someone professionally on how to get my emotions out. anyway. heres to he update of the nitty gritty. There were a lot of red flags with steven. And i may have ignored them because I was being hopeful that he would wake up and realize that his actions were dangerous and harmful. But it was only until valentines day which was our last day together that hit me with the realization that he’s not going to change and that i deserved better, and to be FAR away FROM HIM. he drunk drive and blamed me for why he was driving recklessly even though. i didn’ have a curfew. And i didnt know he was drunk. i gave myself time to heal anyway i tried out the dating apps

i was talking to someone on the fb dating app. his name was nick.he seemed like a nice guy. So i sent him a message after we matched and he got so shocked that i sent a message and then we just were talking about disneyland bc his photo he had was a picture of him pulling out the sword in the sword in the stone and it was a fun conversation. it was only the first day and i was just like wow we clicked so fast. I felt like i could be myself already. It was nice. So we were talking for a few hours of that day during my breaks at work and just getting to know him and his likes and dislikes. Third day he was getting extremely loveydovey and I ws a bit cautious of it. because its only the third day. lol like it was extra flirty. But i didnt really know if it was like because i was enthusiastic with our conversation and he enjoyed that. Idk I try to channel or reflect myself personality via online as well through the dating apps bc of covid we cant meet ya know. anyway we were talking more and more and then we did webcam on the fifth day and it was nice it was fun. Then a week pass and he kept talking to me and telling me how he’s not talking to anyone and only me and how he had plans for us and i was just like wait a minute. we are still getting to know each other. lAnd then he started to talk to me sexually and ask my likes and dislikes and experiences so i was just upfront to him telling him that im demisexual and i dont have much experience and not really interested in sex until i feel emotional connection with someone. and stuff and hes just like “WHAT do U THINK OF ME???? and sent a a dick pic and im just like uhhh And hes just like “ DOES THIS AROUSE YOU?” and its like “ uhhh no? lol ii dont even know what im looking at. anyway a week passed and now its two weeks and he kept pushing me and i felt like it wasn’t fair for the both of us so i ended it. and then blocked hiim because i honestly felt likt it was for the best then he stalked me on his other account which i didnt know he had one lol so its like oh ok lol i guess ill block that ttoo and he just msgs me with somet manipulation gaslights shit asking me how i could be so hurtful to block him. And idk I guess yeah blocking is hurtful but i dont know after experiencing lovebombing in my past relationship. LOL anything similar that throws me back tto that is a red flag in itself. and like my gut feelings were off about something and i didnt know what exactly. I didn’t like it when he was condescending with me and would try to put me down for refusing to meet up with him because of covid. lol idk I just i dont see the point lol. its not safe. anywayyy Told my friend about the nick thing and she said I’m a heartbreaker. and that somehow scientists said that people can fall in love with someone within 24 hours bc of a connection so that 2 weeks is real. And how he deserves a hug lol and a pat on the back for getting his heart broken by me. And I’m just like lol where’s your source. Bc that doesn’t seem true to me. And 🙄 yeah poor nick blah blah blah guys have feelings yes blah I’m the bad guy blah blah blah I'm just like lol it wasn't intentional of hurting him. I didn't lead him on or anything but something didn't sit right. I didnt like the off balance of it. I told him that i am demisexual and that i dont immediately attach to someone and that it sometimes takes years to build a bond with someone and it being emotionally attracted to even be sexually attracted. and he kept pushing it with the lovey dovey overdrive and would gt upset with me ifi or just disappointed if i didnt reciprocate or say anything sexual and i just felt so awwkard and i didnt want to lead anyone on lol so i was just honest everytime and would hange topic about something i felt like we both can get excited on which was disneyland and he kept talking about wanting to take me there and stuff and it slike uh maybe? like we dont really knwo each other yet so its like youre still a stranger lol you could bea psychopath or a sociopath for alli know. lol and just the back of my head the amorous feeling thing just felt so scary familiar that it terrified me.

i mean

For all we know he could have been a really nice guy. But still lol I think there were some red flags 🚩 my feeeeelings matter and are important and they should come first

#personal

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turning-the-kaleidoscope · 5 years

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10 with whoever youd like ;w; i only ask that serizawa be in there somewhere

OKAY I KNOW THIS TOOK ME FOREVER TO GET AROUND TO BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MY FACE LIT UP WHEN I SAW THIS BECAUSE I IMMEDIATELY KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GOING TO WRITE.

HERE WE GO–

Edit: YOU CAN LISTEN TO IT NOW TOO OH MY GOODNESS

PHOENIX I’M STILL SCREAMING OVER THIS A A A A A A A your reading voice is so freaking gOOD JDKLSDF A A A A A,,,

im just gonna,,, listen to this like 10 more times,,, dont mind m e ,,,,

Reigen lived with the belief that everyone held an equal measurement of potential, psychic powers be damned. He believed that psychics were not above humanity; that they were not some “better form” of human, and rather, humans with only somewhat different capabilities. In fact, Reigen seemed to envy runners more than he envied psychics.

They come from entirely different worlds, Serizawa and Reigen. Serizawa doesn’t believe he could ever truly understand him.

Except it’s Reigen’s belief—the belief that all people are equal, that no one is more special than anyone else, that everyone is unique in their own way but in no way more important—that leads him to a perilous downfall.

And, in hindsight, Serizawa should have known.

Because Reigen sees everyone the same, but one. He sees everyone as having worth, as having importance, as being special, with one exception.

Serizawa is not used to exorcising spirits. In fact, Reigen probably has more experience than him. But with Shigeo so swamped with entrance exams right around the corner, it had to be Serizawa. Reigen told him he’d be fine. He’d even gone so far as to jokingly ask “What’s the worst that could happen?”

He has an answer now. An answer and clarity he wishes he didn’t have.

The spirits aren’t very strong, but there are a lot of them. Enough to have Serizawa overwhelmed within the moment they stepped down into the canyon. Spirits with varying strengths and weaknesses, with varying skillsets and tricks up their metaphorical sleeves.

Reigen has literal salt up his sleeves, which doesn’t do much of anything at all. But it does distract some of them while Serizawa takes them out, two by two, unable to exorcise more than that at a time. And a part of that is his fault. Or, rather, his nature. Because he wants to be careful. Because he isn’t used to this at all. Because he wants to make sure the spirits are thoroughly taken care of and can’t hurt anyone again.

There are too many spirits. Too many spirits and not enough exorcists to deal with them.

“Katsuya, there’s–!”

It was bound to happen. But Serizawa still couldn’t have predicted it actually would.

He’s just exorcised spirit number who’s-keeping-count, and is turning to look over his shoulder towards the shout of his name, but he’s bodyslammed before he can see anything.

His shoulder collides with the dirt and the air is knocked from his lungs. His throat closes in on him, but so do the spirits, and he forces himself into gear and swings an arm, exorcising the two nearest ones.

“Arataka,” he gasps, struggling to get his feet underneath him, “why did you–”

That was the worst case scenario.

That was the worst that could happen.

Because while Reigen was just as human as the rest of them, he was no psychic.

The rest of it happens in a blur, for a time. Not nearly for long enough, but for a time. Serizawa didn’t mean to, but his aura took the reins of the situation and tore through every spirit like a knife through butter.

And it somehow overrides his panic and knows what to do, too, because he presses hands over the gaping wound in Reigen’s side and his aura, trembling and scared, winds tendrils around it and seals it. Temporarily seals it, but seals it nonetheless.

The outburst upsets the sides of the canyon. He barely gets his barrier around them in time before it comes crumbling down, burying them beneath rocks and dirt and dust until no trace can be found.

And now they’re huddled together, occupying as little space as they can beneath the dome of the barrier. Serizawa has an arm wound tight around Reigen’s shoulders and lets him lean into his side and rest his head on his shoulder, because he’d been struggling to hold it up on his own. The front of his shirt is bloodied, with a giant tear in the side of it where the spirit caught him. If the spirit had been aiming for him, he’d probably be dead.

“I wish I could take you to a hospital,” Serizawa says quietly, a pit in his gut. “I don’t know how much blood you lost.”

“Prob’ly shouldn’t mess with it,” Reigen slurs, eyes barely open. His head is a dead weight against Serizawa’s shoulder, and his hands lay loosely threaded in his lap. “I dunno how… precarious it is up there. Don’t wanna risk… bringing down the rest…”

“What else do you suggest we do, then? We aren’t going to have oxygen forever, you don’t have service on your phone–”

“Someone’ll find us,” Reigen answers shortly, and something tells Serizawa that the promise is more than desperate delirium. Even if he is struggling to keep his eyes open. “Someone’ll find us, I know it…”

Serizawa bites his lip, but Reigen doesn’t have the strength for an argument and he doesn’t have the heart to push one.

So they sit, and Reigen breathes. He isn’t very awake, but he’s awake enough to know falling asleep is the last thing he should do. Just before Serizawa shakes him, Reigen has snapped himself awake all on his own, usually with a barely-audible reminder to himself not to fall asleep.

Time passes, and with each painstaking second, the gnawing hole in Serizawa’s stomach grows and continues growing. Reigen’s skin is a shade it shouldn’t be, a pasty color like old white paint. His breaths are measured, but never steady, nor even. He’s never looked more exhausted. Or drained.

The arm around him doesn’t feel like enough, and with minimal hesitation, Serizawa brings his opposite hand to settle over both of Reigen’s. His fingers are cold, and that’s not a good sign.

“… Are your hands really warm or did I just lose a lot of blood.”

Serizawa’s chest is tight. “You lost a lot of blood.”

“Ahhn, makes sense.”

Serizawa nods, but as Reigen’s head becomes more and more of a weight on his shoulder, his mind wanders elsewhere. Relives the previous hour once, then twice, before he squeezes his eyes shut in a sorry attempt to block it from his mind.

It doesn’t work.

He inhales, then swallows, then draws Reigen just a little closer. “You didn’t have to do that.”

Reigen doesn’t ask what he means. “Mmn, yeah,” he slurs, nodding weakly. “That is true.”

He doesn’t seem to get it. Serizawa struggles onward. “You should’ve just let it happen,” he says, voice somewhat sharper than he would have liked it to be. “The spirit wouldn’t have been able to do much of anything, definitely not something like—like this.”

“I knew that,” Reigen says, and his voice is sharp, too, out of nowhere, “but my body reacted on the off-chance that I’d be wrong. I didn’t really… have the chance to… think about it. Y’know. Before it happened.”

And Serizawa should have known, because that’s just how he is. He thinks things through, he can talk himself around just about anything, but when it comes to other people, he often acts before he thinks. Usually he gets away with it. Usually his impromptu plans work to his advantage.

But not always.

Serizawa decides to fight him on it later and instead asks, “How’s the pain?”

“Not as bad as it should be,” Reigen says. A pause. “… That… might not be a good thing.”

“It might be my aura,” Serizawa muses aloud. “I’ve never been good at healing wounds completely, but I’ve learned enough. You still need a hospital as soon as we’re out of here, though.”

“Mm, yeah.” Reigen cracks a weak smile, then smiles and leans into him again. “M’not sure home remedies are gonna be nearly enough this time.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so either.”

“But I’ll be fine.” Reigen shuts his eyes, not to sleep, but to rest. “Thanks for the… aura, stuff.

Serizawa manages a feeble but genuine smile in return. “Don’t mention it,” he says, and lets himself rest his cheek on the top of his head. “It’s the least I could do. Thank you.”

“Mm, for what?”

So much, really. So much Reigen doesn’t know. So much that it’d be hard to pin it down with words of any sort, of any magnitude. So much. Everything.

But that can be saved for later, too. When he has time to express it. For now, he shakes his head and murmurs, “Y’know, stuff,” and somehow, Reigen understands.

It’s Shigeo who finds them not too long after, calling their names and finally lifting the fallen rocks and debris with barely a flick of his wrist. He’s clearly distressed, and Serizawa only realizes now that it’d been the outburst of his aura that led him here, but he can explain that later too, now that he knows “later” will indeed come.

For now, they bring Reigen to the hospital.

#I'm not happy with the ending but everything else?#*''okay hand''*#THANKS FOR THE PROMPT AAA #ive been super excited to write this one ever since I got it jksdjflksdfdfdf #:DDDD #prompt fill #mob psycho 100 #mp100 #cloud writes #serizawa katsuya #reigen arataka #unedited i'm sorry djfkgljdlkgdfg #if I re-read it too many times I'm gonna be nitpicky where nitpicks are unnecessary #so i'm just crossing my fingers and hoping my hands and brain knew what they were doing jdkfjsldfdf

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afewmarvelousthoughts · 5 years

Text

Only For A Moment (Prologue 1)

“Hi darling muffin! As you already know, I think about OFAM a lot...like ALOT. And I have a question. Bucky was obviously trailing the reader for a while before he let himself be seen/known by her. What was he possibly thinking or feeling when he first saw her? What was going through his mind during that time before he revealed himself?”

I fucking love you. Have I made that clear recently?

So. Tumblr ate @wonderlandmind4 ’s asks to me like 3 fucking times. But it may be for the best because instead of just answering you normally I’m gonna write a little prequel fic instead.

Hope this answers your question babe!

Bucky stares blankly at the ceiling of his small apartment. He can hear the traffic outside and the families in the apartments around him far better than any normal person ever could. For hours he lets those sounds wash over him, ground him, distract him from the ghosts in his head.

This was the benefit of being here rather than the farmhouse he’d stayed in for a couple of months after getting to Romania, the noise. Growing up in Brooklyn quiet was a hot commodity. Some part of him remembers seeking it out on rooftops and nighttime beach treks. Solitude away from city sounds, his parent’s arguing, his sister’s pestering. Now… he’d give anything to be annoyed by his family’s noise.

Sighing he finally sits up, leaning against the wall. He hadn’t left here in four days. The nightmares had been so bad. Flashbacks, the psychology book he read called them. Dreams so real they seeped into reality, distorted things to the point that a person couldn’t tell what was real. He was exhausted, on edge, and truly beginning to wonder why the fuck he was even trying.

Absently his fingers wander to the journal laying by the bed. That was why. He knew it in his bones. He wasn’t going to let go until he got it all back, everything they took from him, and he couldn’t go before telling Steve he was so sorry… How could he have done that-

His right fist slams into the mattress, the springs groaning in protest. This wasn’t doing him any good, hiding out in here. Being in the city was stressful sometimes but he wasn’t about to fly off the handle… he needs the distraction.

The October day is bright, a little warm even. Blue skies with perfect puffy clouds floating languidly about. It was beautiful. The perfect day to go to a park. He’d been meaning to check out Cișmigiu Gardens, so he sets off in that direction.

It’s barely noon when he gets there and seeing that it’s Thursday, the park is fairly deserted. There are enough people to serve as the distraction he needs, plus the park is beautiful, some flowers still blooming and foliage still fairly green despite fall being here.

“Alice!” Bucky spins on his heel toward the sound of the woman. She’s a few yards away running after a giggling toddler who’s heading straight for the water.

He moves to chase down the kid but a boy bolts from his sunny spot on a bench, fast, very fast. Something about the way he moves gives Bucky pause.

The toddler has a head start on everyone and is just about to the water. One pudgy leg goes to take a step into the water and by some sheer force of luck, they fall back… somewhat unnaturally, as if they were pulled. But…

The boy snatches the baby up, who immediately starts to wail, their master plan thwarted. From his place, he can just hear the boy coo to comfort the child. He must be very young, voice still soft and feminine.

Panting the mother catches up. Thanking the young man profusely. As he hands the toddler to its mother Bucky see’s his face… except… he knows this face somehow.

Suddenly he can’t breathe but he can’t look away. Despite appearances, he knows this isn’t a young man. You’re a woman… it feels like someone’s digging an icepick into the front of his brain. He grits his teeth trying to focus.

Quickly he sits on a bench, diagonal and down a bit from the one you got up from, pulling a book from his bag to hide his gawking. Thankfully you’re not paying any attention at the moment. You head back to your sunlight drenched bench.

Fuzzy images flash through his mind. You look so different, he remembers thick hair, falling loose into your face. A face that’s crying, bloody, scared… of him? Of course of him… You look just past him, he freezes, but you don’t notice him before you lay back on the bench, eyes on the blue sky.

Could you really be Hydra…? Because surely that’s why he knows you. A Hydra trainee… someone he was supposed to break…

There’s something else there though. He knows it he just can’t touch it.

For hours Bucky watches you. Strangely you don’t do much but look at your phone from time to time, drink out of your large paper coffee cup, and stare at the passing clouds, or the water or the people. Much like him, you seem to fade into the background. No one paying you any mind at all. It makes his chest tighten just a bit... the melancholy that settles around you despite the beautiful day around you.

When you finally get up he can’t help it. He has to follow. In all this time he hasn’t seen one Hydra agent, not one face he recognizes. Bucharest should be safe, it wasn’t a hub for any of Hydra’s active bases, off the radar entirely… So why…

You slip into a store and exit with a bottle of whiskey, snacks, and cigarettes. From there he tails you to a rundown block just near Lake Floreasca. It’s the first time you seem to pay attention to your surroundings before you go into a dilapidated building and don’t exit again.

That night he dreams of hitting you… with his left fist. He remembers them briefing him, he was to go until you stayed down. They preferred he didn’t kill you, too valuable, too unique for some reason. All he saw was a woman, a target… But then… He wakes up drenched in sweat, his head feeling like it’s going to crack open.

Bucky spends the next eight days following you. He knows he shouldn’t. A part of him thinks you could be a threat, an agent sent here to flush him out, bring him in… his gut says something else… even though he doesn’t know exactly what that something else is.

What he does know is that an active agent or asset usually eats regularly, something you don’t do. They don’t go out for multiple coffees, chain smoke, and go through handles of liquor a day… No, his gut says you’re not an active agent at all… You look like someone who’s hurting and lost… just like him.

It’s stupid. He knows it’s stupid. If you are someone he hurt you won’t have any interest in speaking to him, why would you? But there’s that little nagging thing he can’t reach. Something different… Something special… He fucking hates that he can’t get to it. And it’s that little something paired with his crushing sense of loneliness that makes him finally decide to let you see him.

The day is bright again as he waits just down the way from what appears to be where you’re living. He doesn’t even register it though. His heart is thundering in his ears, breath ragged.

There are so many things that can go wrong here. Not least of which being that you could lead them to him… he’d rather die than go back but… he needs this. And maybe, just maybe you do too. Though he can’t allow himself to hope that he could do something, anything good for someone else. Still...

You’re eating breakfast, that’s good, he doesn’t think you ate at all the day before. While he doesn’t want to interrupt you the busy morning street is as good a place as any for him to get in your line of sight, to see if you even know him. Strategically he stands by a newsstand just down from the Starbucks you’re in front of and waits.

To anyone else, he’s just a man looking at the paper, but his eyes are glued to you. After a few minutes, you seem to sense that you’re being observed. Maybe you do have some self-preservation skills… He feels your eyes lock on him.

It happens quickly, so quickly that no one around you catches it. But it looks almost like your table and the items on it begin to float just slightly before settling, spilling your coffee. He takes the moment of distraction to disappear, his heart threatening to beat its way out of his chest.

You knew him… That much was clear. Now he just had to find out how you fit into his story… why you’re different… whatever came after, he was ready for.

@bluegirlusa1 @l0kisbitch @tazzi-baby @disagreetoagree @woodyandbuzz20-01 @mooniightbucky @saundrasays @breezy1415 @alyssaj23 @mywinterwolf @wonderlandmind4 @fairislesheets @anamcg317 @buckaroo-barnes @jazztherebel @peachthatdrinkslemonade @regulusirius @auskitty @babyimp1967 @katecolleen @handplucked @piensa-bonito @darkdragonphoenix @issanitydead @thestorydetective @buckysstar @wintersoldierswhore @greyeyedsmile14 @watchoutforfrostbite @for-the-love-of-the-fandom @jewelofwinter @siriuslycloudy2 @hardygal69 @marvelousmeggi

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes #bucky #bucky barnes x reader #ofam prologue

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slapmehoseok-blog · 5 years

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Jungkook cheated on you.

╔═══════════════╗

Info:

• one shot

•2,185 words

•Jungkook X Reader X Jimin

•Jungkook’s cheats on you

╚═══════════════╝

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚　　˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

You and jungkook have been dating for 3 years. You’re guys anniversary is supposed to be in 3 days. You have never loved anyone as much as you loved him.

You took the day off work and were sitting at your local café with your best friend jimin. You always suspected he had a little crush on you, but he knew his boundaries. You guys were discussing Jungkooks and your anniversary. Last year Jungkook planned the date for you guys, so this year you guys agreed you would to plan it this time around. As you and Jimin finished looking up local restaurants to find the best one and then calling to make reservations, you decided to head out to the mall to find a cute outfit.

As you reached the mall you and Jimin went to look for the perfect dress and shoes for your date. You picked out 3 outfits and asked Jimin to pick the best one (since you couldn’t decide). He liked the second one the best. To be exact he said “ oh my god, you look beautiful” with his jaw dropped. So you thought that was the best pick. It was a skin tight silky red dress with a pair of plain black strapped heels.

After finding the perfect date night outfit you thought you would part ways with Jimin since it was around supper time and you were getting hungry. You and Jungkook usually works late into the evening and end up getting take out most of the time, so this time you thought you would make supper for him.

You arrive home and open the door, however your gut feels weird. Like something is wrong. You go to take your shoes off when you notice a pair of pink flats.

You dont own pink flats.

your heart and mind start racing

“maybe my mom or sister came for a visit and let themselves in” you said to yourself in a hushed voice

you proceed into the living room to look for them but find nobody. Weird.

maybe they’re just in the bathroom

You then decide to go to your room to drop off your shopping bags because they are getting heavy and you want to hide them before Jungkook gets home. Thats when u hear it. A female voice, you have never heard before coming from your room. You slowly push the door open not expecting what you were about to see.

frozen. Thats what you were, frozen.

You see a girl on top of Jungkook in your guys bed half clothed. You drop your shopping bags on the floor making a thud. Both Jungkook and this random girl eyes shot in your direction. He pushes the girl off him and says “ Y/N this isnt what you think”

“What is this....” you said in a quiet small voice as tears formed in your eyes. Thats all you could say before you’re heart began to race and you then began to panic. You turned around and ran for the front door. All you had on you were your car keys and your cell phone. You couldn’t believe what you just saw. Theres no way. There is no way Jeon jungkook cheated on you 3 days before your 3 year anniversary.

Not know where to go or what to do you got in your car and just started driving, and called your best friend. Jimin picked up on the 2nd ring

ring ring ...

“missed me that much already huh?” He said in a jokingly voice

you couldn’t speak. You just sobbed uncontrollably.

“Y/N?! Whats wrong? Calm down, are you okay?” He knew something was wrong.

“ Ji-Jimin...” is all you could say through your cries.

“Y/N where are you? Im coming to you.”

“at-at the park near-r my house” you said with an unsteady voice through your tears

“stay put ill be there in 5 minutes“ he said with slight panic in his voice

You hung up and looked down at your phone. 12 miss calls and 4 unread messages from Jungkook. You just cried as you opened the messages:

•Come back

• im sorry, come back baby

•i love you, im sorry please come back to me

•come back, let talk this out. I love you, i cant loose you

As you finished reading the messages you heard a knock on your car window. You look up to see Jimin with a worried face. You unlock the door and let him in. “Y/N whats wrong? What happened!?”

“h-h-he cheated on my Jimin, he cheated on me” you lost all control of yourself and sunk into Jimins arms as you started to shake because you were crying so much. Jimin just stayed there holding you for the next 30 minutes without saying anything. He couldn’t believe the words that just came out your mouth. Jungkook cheating on you? But he adores you? He would have never thought he could do something like this. Jimin was furious, so many thoughts were running around in his head.

as you finally calmed down a bit you look into Jimins eyes and thank him for coming to you so quickly. He was a true friend. You tell him everything that happened and he just looks at you with the widest eyes not knowing what to say. You show him the texts and miss calls from Jungkook and he mutters something under his breath but you couldn’t hear it. However, you could tell he was angry

Now not having anywheres to stay for the nights to come, Jimin suggested his place to you. You took the offer because you didnt really having anyone else. Plus you really didnt want to have to explain anything to your family just yet. You guys arrive at his place and he immediately goes to the bathroom to run you a bath. “maybe a warm bath will help you relax a bit? Ill get you some of my clothes for when you are done” he said so innocently. You didnt say anything but nodded your head yes.

once you were done with your bath you put on Jimins clothes. They smelled like him, which was kind of comforting. You slowly push the bathroom door open to see Jimin making you a tea. He brings it to you with a small smile (trying to cheer you up a bit).

“um, you can have my bed and ill sleep on the couch tonight. Does that sound ok?”

you still didnt really feel like talking. You felt so small right now. You just slightly shook your head and said “thank you” almost in a whisper.

You sat Jimins kitchen table with him in silence until you finished your tea. You started to yawn. You were exhausted from the excessive crying and taking a warm bath. You simply told jimin that you were going to lay down now since it was getting late. He took your tea mugs to the sink and followed you to the bed room. He took some pillows and a small blanket from his bed and brought it out the sofa in the living room. After laying them down, he peaked around the corner and asked if there was anything else he could get you before you went to bed. You replied with no thank you.

you both then went your separate ways. You laid in his king size bed curled up in a ball realizing how lonely you were and fell asleep without even trying. You started to have a bad dream remembering everything that had happened early that day which made you wake up from your sleep crying. You just laid there in silence crying. Tears just slowly falling down your face. You looked up to see the clock on Jimins wall, it was around 2:30am. Thats when you realized you heard the living room tv still on. Knowing you wouldnt be able to fall back to sleep for a while you decided to go out into the living room to see if Jimin was awake.

to your surprise he was still wide awake looking at the tv. Although he didnt really seem like he was watching it, he looked like he was thinking about something. You made a little coughing noise and it startled him. He looked in your direction

“ Y/N, you’re awake, are you ok?”

“ i just woke up from a bad dream, is it okay if i come out here for a little bit ? I dont want to be alone” You pouted

“of course you can y/n” he sat up instantly making room for you.

you guys sat and watched tv for about an hour when you started to feel sleepy again. You moved a bit closer to Jimin and rested your head on his shoulder. He leaned his towards yours and stroked your hair for you. You thought about how lucky you were to have him as a friend and dose off to sleep.

Jimin sat there silently looking at your face stroking your hair as you fell asleep. He just thought to himself about how beautiful you were and how sorry he felt for you. He kissed your forehead once he knew you were asleep and carried you to his bed. He pulled the sheet over your innocent body tucking you in. He wanted to be there for you every step of the way. He loved you, he never told you that but he truly loved you. He wanted to take care of you the way Jungkook never could . He would never hurt you the way he did. He just wanted to hold you tight and tell you everything was going to be alright.

the next morning, you woke up feeling better. Everything about the events that took place the day before settled in your brain. You felt numb, but better. You walked out to see Jimin passed out on his couch half hanging off. You slighty giggled to yourself at the sight of it. You then decided to look at your phone to see tons of missed calls and texts from Jungkook once again. You got an instant headache. You opened the texts and read all the bullsh*t he said to you. After finishing you simply replied “Goodbye Jungkook” and blocked his number.

you didnt want to wake Jimin up so you went to his kitchen to make yourself some breakfast. Cereal and toast. You ate silently until you heard Jimin groan and get up to go to the bathroom. Once again you giggled at the sight. He came back out and saw you sitting at the kitchen table with a slight smile.

“whats so funny” Jimin asked

“ oh what, um nothing.. nothing at all” you said

“okay weirdo” was all he said laughing to himself

you never really realized how much you cared for Jimin until the thoughts about the night befjungkookore came flooding back. You were so grateful that he was there for you. If it wasn’t for him you would be all alone probably still crying your eyes out. He made you feel better, his presence made you feel better. He made all the hurt go away.

~3 months after jungkook cheated on you~

Life has been better, you’re still not fully over Jungkook, but you are trying. You have only seen him once since that day to collect your belongings but didn’t speak a word to him. He watched you while tears flowed down his face. How dare he?! HE did that, not you. Disgusting was all you could think...

Anyways,

You spend most your days with Jimin now, he has been so kind to you and you never will be able to thank him enough for that night when he was there for you when you needed someone the most. However, he has been extra flirty these days but you don’t really mind. He is overly handsome and it puts you in a good mood. You got your own apartment in the same complex as Jimin so you guys are always together. He keeps you happy. He makes you feel certain ways that jungkook was never able to. He is the only person who allowed you to be your own person. Plus he is the one who can make you laugh and smile instantly whenever you’re sad. He has always been there for you.

You never thought you would feel this way about Jimin, but you think you may have feelings for him. You thought about telling him but are scared of ruining your relationship you have with him now. Should you tell him?!

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚　　˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

Authors note:

okayyy, thats all for this one shot fanfic. Ive never done this before so please dont be too harsh on it lol it took my a while to do too.

please let me know what you think! It is very unedited, i know 😅

should i do another one?

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚　　˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

#bts fanfic #fanfic #jimin fanfic #reader fanfiction #jungkook fanfic #bts jungkook #jungkook #jimin #bts jimin

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one-good-day · 5 years

Text

Panic attack?

Hello long post but wondering if the symptoms I have is actually a panic attack and not just general anxiety since I havent seen this be discussed. Not sure what it is, just call it an episode for now. I didnt find a strict difference btwn panic and anxiety attacks so Im gonna go with the more well known name.

Tw: pretty graphic descriptions of fear panic and light but specific household chores abuse. Please stay safe.

I have these often, the worst months would be a couple hours a time a day. I have read the symptoms of a panic attack but one thing I noticed is that they are mostly short? Like around 10 minutes? Which makes me feel like mine aren't really?

And it isnt like I cannot think during my episodes and I clearly can reason, its just it won't stop and I feel like Im reduced to animal brain, I can't do anything other than mindlessly listen to music or draw to cope. (I cant even stop and sometimes hours pass before I realize the time again)

Some symptoms:

-intense fear and dread, like it claws up my throat and my throat closes and I have trouble speaking (feels like Im near tears though Im not sad, its more like fear?)

-buuut I know the world is not ending and Im not dying and im not having a heart attack.

- stabbing chest pain for no reason. Maybe my heart is beating fast? But when I measure it, it is not that much faster than usual.

-trouble inhaling air since my throat closes or breathing too fast ( but not hyperventilating or feeling light headed)

-sweating and hot flashes where I feel too hot although I felt fine or alternatively being too cold and (dread or cold shivers? This can make the fear feel worse)

- pacing with music ( to distract myself, also I cant stop cause my fear is too overwhelming)

- snappish and furious at others ( sudden anger and defensiveness out of terror, worse when abuser is talking to me) or if around friends and valued/authority, wanting to escape, go home, withdraw, isolate, stop talking and overall shutting down because I dont want them to feel bad for me and I feel like a fraud or im over reacting (since my face is stone or smiling they cannot tell). Wont reveal any personal problems or "weakness" or negative emotions even more than usual.

-freezing and not able to anything that requires thought or energy. For me, I can only listen to music (cant even stop(takes a huge effort of will which I do not have (even though I want to? Probably executive dysfunction)

- and most importantly, since mine are really silent and I sit or pace stone faced ( I really have trouble expressing emotions since I have been trained to not show negative ones no matter the cost) through the thing, even when Im alone, nobody notices and thus continue to harass me with triggering tasks/demands of my time, just making it worse and last longer.

I noticed that my "normal" anxiety feels more like something I could pretend as nervous excitement if I tried hard enough? So it is hard but not all comsuming? But I cant really even delude myself when I have an episode so maybe it is a panic attack? I dont know since most descriptions are vague and panic attacks in media seem very noticible and the person curls in on themselve or flat out runs away or starts repeating mantras (which is perfectly valid) mabye this is just a lack of representation but I havent seen anything like mine?

Tiggers include but not limited to:

Note: Now the dishes trigger warning applies. Stay safe.

-Dishes (my exrcutive dysfunction means that it can take me hours to finally start although it is an "easy task") during this time, I would get the side eye and irration from my abuser and that constantly increase my anxiety until I cant focus on anything else even though my brain still blocks me from the dishes so I feel trapped and the impending screaming and yelling created so much terror that I cannot not do dishes when asked without having a two or three hour long episode in which Im panicking that Im wasting time and being lazy and berating myself for not getting it done even though it is so easy. And the worst part was doing the dishes was my daily task. Which meant once dinner was over I was paralyzed and unable to do homework or the dishes. (This applies to any household task, now that I have some control, I flat out refuse due to fear and knowledge that I will never do it right away(executive dysfunction) or not before the episode)

- events or tests or important presentations where I need to prepare in advance, three guesses Im unable to start when I feel I should no matter how hard I tell myself and then I slip into an episode.

-music makes it worse actually because the beat keeps me excited and since my mood is easily influenced.... terror! But with a tempo and smattering of pop music! Also ear buds feel suffocating since I cant hear outside noise which drives my hypervigilance and paranoia crazy which makes me terrified which makes me listen to music. Sheer will power is not enough, i usually can only stop when Im beyong exhausted from pacing and being terrified.

-I still need earbuds to drown out the world and my abuser's voice though 😓

-needing to talk to someone about something (taking up emotional real estate, telling them they hurt me accidentally or voicing a request or apologizing for something hurtful (may not even have hurt them) my mind tells me I did) *for this one I usually have trouble speaking and stammer or repeat myself, my mind tends to go blank and my logic is bad even though I could be very well spoken if only I was not scared or I really have trouble getting words out cause my throat closed due to sheer terror. (this is the only circumstance besides housework where Im panicking while doing the thing) (symptoms the same though)

My guess:

My guesses are that this is a symptom of ptsd and I was triggered into an emotional flashback which caused a panic attack but Im not sure what to call this since it lasts so long and is probably multiple mental illnesses crammed into one. So far I know I have anxiety, depression and cptsd so a lot of choices to choose from.

If anyone knows or has a guess, I would love to hear in the comments. I think I'm not the only one feeling this so...yay representation?

#abuse #child abuse #abusive parents #emotional abuse #cptsd #ptsd #trauma #anxiety #depression #actually cptsd #actually traumatized #anxious #panic attack #anxiety attack #triggers #tw panic attack #actually abused

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fatrainbowmermaidunicorn · 6 years

Text

If You Ever Come Back (Yoongi x You ONESHOT)

A/N: Yes, yes I most definitely know who you are MRS MIN YOONGI! ahahaha. I dont know if this is up to your expectations but I hope you like it <3

and requests are still open guys <33

MASTERLIST

f you're standing with your suitcase But you can't step on the train Everything's the way that you left it I still haven't slept yet

"Y/N!"

She turned around to see Min Yoongi running towards her, stopping only a few feet away. His clothes and hair disheveled, maybe from running all the way to the train station. Y/N has been standing at the platform for quite sometime now, tears running down her beautiful face, hand holding the handle of her luggage tight, her mind contemplating her next move.

She dont know if she can do this.

If she can leave him.

If she will be able to live without him.

Without Min Yoongi, her first love, the love of her life.

"Y/N, please... dont go," the wind bring his soft voice to her ears, his sad eyes looking straight at her. "Please, just... just come back to me,"

Y/N kept quiet, not knowing what to say other than staring at his beautiful face. Memorizing every inch of it as if its the last time she will be able to do so. It would most probably be the last time and the thought make her heart hurt.

"Come back Y/N. Dont leave. Dont leave me. Lets just go home," he pleaded. Y/N almost nodded at his plea. Almost gives up everything and ran back into his arms, there nothing more that she wants other than to just hold him tight. "Just come back baby. Everything is still the same. We will forget everything, it will be just like you were never gone,"

She raised her eyes from roaming all over his face to stare deep into his eyes. His last words pushing her feet to finally make the decision that she had been contemplating about for hours.

"Everything is still the same,"

"That's exactly why I have to leave Yoongi. Because everything is still the same. You will always be the same. We will always be the same... And I... I cant do that anymore," she whispered between the tears that starts to fall even faster down her cheeks and turn around to board the train that just arrived in time, as if knowing how much she needs her escape right now.

Still setting two plates on the counter but eating without you I'm sleeping on your side of the bed Goin' out of my head now

Yoongi tossed his keys on the side table, his whole mind and body tired and exhausted from what just happened. Y/N's tear strained face as she said her goodbye and board the train, her last words, everything is tattooed clearly in his mind.

He had make it his mission to bring Y/N back with him when he stepped out from the house to chase after her esrlier. But why is he alone in the dark house that still smells like her right now? Feeling weak and defeated?

Yoongi slowly peeled himself off the sofa and tried to make something edible enough for him in the kitchen, hoping food would help to distract him, but it was hard. Everywhere he look, all he can see is Y/N's shadows haunting him, taunting him. He moved towards the cupboards to take out a plate but stopped immediately as a rish of memories took over.

"Yoongi, stop. Im going to drop these plates if you keep doing that!" Y/N squeal as Yoongi hug her from behind while she is reaching for the top shelves.

"Then drop the plates and give me a kiss instead," he pouted and turned her around to face him.

"You are so clingy sugarplum. You are really soft arent you? Not as bad ass as people thought you are," she giggled as she pecks his nose.

"Im only soft for you baby," he nuzzled her neck. "And I hate how you always calls me sugarplum. I'm a bad boy remember? You are really ruining my image here baby,"

"No matter what you say, you will always be my sugarplum. And I love my sugarplum so very much," she giggled again before Yoongi cupped her chin in his grip and leaned in to kiss her deeply.

Yoongi shakes his head, making the memory dissappear and urgently wipe his tears that is trickling down his cheeks without his permission. He silently swears to himself that if he ever get to hold her in that way again, she can call him anything she wants and he will gladly answer to it. Anything as long as she came back to him again.

He sighed and start to set the table, finally sitting down to eat whatever he managed to muster in his dazed mind when he realized he had prepared the table for two oit of habit. His eyes drift to the empty plate and empty chair opposite from him, knowing that it wont ever be occupied again with someone that he really wants and he suddenly lost all his appetite.

He shoved his food away and dragged his feet to his bedroom, throwing himself on the bed. The once crowded bed suddenly feel too empty, too cold without Y/N there. He looks up into the ceiling and blinks back the tears that has threathen to fall as her scent that is still left on the pillows filling his nostril.

"Roll over sugarplum! Stop sleeping on my side of the bed you hogger," she playfully nudged him away but Yoongi pulled her by the waist instead, making her fall on top of him.

"I told you we can both fit on this side of the bed," he grins and lift his head to give her a quick peck. "I love you Y/N... I really do," his eyes looks softly at hers, showing all the affection he have for her. Affection that he never felt for anyone else.

"And I love you too Min Yoongi," she kissed him back. "But I love my side of the bed more!" She giggled once she broke the kiss and pushed him away, catching him off guard.

Yoongi nuzzled his face into her pillow, stopping the tears from falling once again, hoping to feel her warmth from the cold unattended pillows.

"Im sleeping on your side of the bed Y/N. Do you hear me? So you have to come back home now and kick my ass for that..." he mumbles softly. "Just please... come back Y/N. I miss you so much... too much,"

If the truth is you're a liar Then just say that you're okay And if you're covering your face now But you just can't hide the pain

"Hey... its okay. Just cry. Just let it out. You need to let it out Y/N," Jin Hee looks at her friend who is solemnly staring outside the cafe glass window, her eyes glassy but no tears are coming out.

Y/N and Yoongi has been together for years, been together for as long as Jin Hee could even remember. They are in love and happy but things started to go south when Yoongi starts to get more recognition and getting busier. Y/N can understand his busy schedule, not being able to see her as often as before. She even understands that he spend most of his free time in his studio instead of with her, leaving her alone at home, missing him and yearning for him. She's fine with everything. Its the price to pay for being in love with someone as talented and obligated to his work like Min Yoongi.

But what she couldnt understand is how Yoongi would let out his anger on her. Acting cold towards her whenever he hit a road block on his music writing or when something happened to one of his songs. Yoongi would come back on the rare days that he would actually be home being all angry and screaming at her, slamming the bedroom door shut in her face. She understands it all. Music is his life and its hard for him when he is faced with pressure and datelines, sometimes even being short on ideas, but cant he rely on her for comfort instead of turning her into his anger punching bag?

Countless nights were spend crying on the living room couch only to be woken up inside Yoongi's warm embrace, giving butterfly kisses all over her face as he repeats his sorry a million times. Y/N loves him. She really do. But how long can she take it? How long will she be able to stand being second to his music?

"I'm okay Jin Hee," was Y/N short reply. Jin Hee shakes her head and gave her a sad smile.

"You are not okay Y/N. And you are also a very bad liar," she chuckle. "I know its hard. I know you miss him. You miss Yoongi dont you?"

Y/N turned her face to look at her friend, trying hard not to show the pain she's feeling but knowing she fails anyway. Jin Hee knows her too well.

"I..."

"Stop trying to hide it. You are in pain. You and Yoongi are meant to be. Are you sure leaving him is really the best way?"

"I dont know what else to do. Things will never change Jin Hee. Even if I go back to him... wouldnt things would still be the same? Wouldnt I be hurt again and again?" She sighed, remembering their endless fights and tears, but also all the good times filled with kisses and hugs they shared.

"I dont know Y/N. But what you had with Yoongi... I feel like its too special for you to just throw it away. Just... think about it, okay?" Jin Hee gave her one sad smile before standing up to attend to some of the customer who just came in.

Y/N played with her hands as she stare out the window again, looking at the happy couple walking and laughing together. She miss Yoongi. Its only been two days but she miss him like crazy. It kills her to be apart from him. To not be talking to him at all.

No matter what had happened in their relationship, the fights, the pain and the hurt, she still loves Yoongi.

She loves Min Yoongi.

And just like he knows exactly what she is thinking at this exact moment, her phone rings, flashing his name bright and clear on the screen

Min Sugarplum ♡♡

And I wish you could give me the cold shoulder And I wish you can still give me a hard time And I wish I could still wish it was over But even if wishing is a waste of time Even if I never cross your mind

Yoongi woke up sweating like crazy, his breathing short and ragged from the nightmare he just had. He dreamt that Y/N left him for good. He turndto the other side of the bed, hands reaching out, expecting for her warm touch and easy smile telling him its all just a dream but reality hits him hard when all he felt is the cold untouched sheets on her side of the bed.

He was not dreaming at all. It really happened.

Y/N left him.

She finally gives up on them. She finally had enough of the bullshit from him, the shitty way he treats her and left.

And she's not coming back.

Yoongi blinked as he stares at the ceiling, the chilly morning air sending shivers to his skin. He remembers later through their relationship, the days when Y/N would just ignore him after he came back exhausted from camping out at the studio for five straight days. Yoongi understands she's mad at him for shutting her out everytime he's working. He should apologized the moment he walked into the apartment but he's too tired, too oblivious, too exhausted to care, and he just shrugged off her cold shoulder and make his way to the bedroom, giving his tired body its well deserve rest. He had hoped for her warm smile and embraced to heal his tired mind but he should have known better. He dont deserve that after leaving her high and dry for days with no calls or texts.

If only he knows then what he knows now. If only he knows then that Y/N was never petty. She would never hate him for being so passionate for his music. If only he knew then that he had missed her birthday that night. The one he promised to celebrate together. The one Y/N has dressed up for and waited for him for hours. Him always rejecting her calls all night when she tried to reach him.

If only he knew.

If only he knew then that he should have just said sorry and Y/N would have happily accepted his apology and ran back into his arms, wanting nothing more than to spend what little left of her birthday with him than fight.

But he didnt know. And he didnt bother to know.

So he slept on the empty bed alone as Y/N cried herself to sleep on the couch that night.

He also remembers when Y/N starts to be difficult, giving him a hard time. Always complaining how he never make time for her anymore. Instead of talking it out with her, he chose to spend the whole month in the dorm and studio, again leaving her with no explanation.

If only he realized then that the only reason Y/N would even start complaining is because he didnt even spare her a minute in a week. He always left early and came back late and she didnt even get a chance to even catch a glance of his face.

If only he knew then that with just one quick hi from him between his busy schedule would return back the smile on her face, he would have done it without a doubt.

But he didnt know.

So their fight just got bigger and bigger, Yoongi, trying to a ood the fights and confrontations keeps spending more time in his studio rather than at home and tears just wont stop leaving Y/N's face in this point of their relationship anymore.

If only he knew.

He remembers sometimes during their relationship that he wishes it was over. That he was never involved in a relationship in the first place. Then he would be free to work on his music without thinking about anything else. Without the guilt, the pressure and the fights.

But then he remembers the moment Y/N told him she has given up on them, that she's leaving. He remembers when she said, with tears running down her face, that Yoongi is free from her now. Free to do his music without her as a distraction. Her face when she is walking out the door with some of her things, only the things that she could get her hands on in order to get away from him as fast as she could.

And suddenly he yearns for the cold shoulder Y/N used to give her when they fight, the hard time she gave him when he had a new project coming up, whining and demanding for his attention. He finds himself yearning for the times he is still able to wish that he was not in a realtionshiop, to be able to wish that his relationship was over.

Because at least then, it means that Y/N is still here with him.

Because it means that Y/N is still his.

No matter how he thinks about it, he decides that he would go through the bad times again and again as long as he knows that by the end of the day, he still can call Y/N his.

With new found courage and determination to get back what's his, he finally picks up the phone and dial the number he remembers by heart.

And if you're out there tryna move on But something pulls you back again I'm sitting here tryna persuade you like you're in the same room

"Yo...Yoongi?"

"Y/N..."

Silence enveloped the conversation, no sound were heard from both lines.

"I... I miss you," Yoongi breath out, making Y/N gasps. She is trying her best to move on from him. To start anew, to start living in a world without him. But hearing his voice again kills her.

Hearing him say he misses her... it just breaks all resolve she had work hard to build for the past days.

"Yoongi...please. Don't do this,"

"No, Y/N. Its me who cant do this. I cant do this. I thought I can. I thought I can give you what you wanted. A happier life without me. I thought I will make it without you. I'll be fine without you. But I cant," he sobbed through the phone. After all the times he tried to held it in, his emotions finally broke loose. People who knows him knows he is a man of little words, he is not a man who show his emotions to anyone. He seldom cry or get angry. He minds his own business, avoiding any drama surrounding him. He lets out his emotions only on lyric papers, in a beat somewhere late in his studio. But this time, this time even his songs cant save him. He needs the love of his life to hear him. To understand the pain he's feeling right at this moment.

He's crying.

He's begging.

For the love of his life to just come back to him.

"Y/N..." he chokes out. "Please... please come back to me,"

"Dont do this. Please dont. We had so many chances to fix our relationship Yoongi. We tried everything, but nothing works. We dont work..." she sobbed.

"No. No Y/N. Dont say that. I love you. I love you Y/N. And I know you still love me too. Dont you Y/N?"

"Yoongi..." Y/N can only say his name. There is no way she can deny what he's saying. Even a blind man can see how much she still loves him.

"Love is enough baby. I promise you we will work things out. Because we love each other. Please Y/N. Give us this one last chance. Come back. Come back to me and we will work it out,"

"I cant Yoongi. I'm tired. Im tired of fighting for something that will never work. I'm... I'm sorry,"

And the line went dead.

If it's the fighting you remember or the little things you miss I know you're out there somewhere so just remember this

Ever since that phone call, Yoongi has been relentless, bombarding Y/N's phone with non stop phone calls and text messages, ranging from casual hi's and desperate begging.

Y/N tried her best but her love for Yoongi makes her heart beats faster whenever his name appeared on her phone. It also breaks her heart when she heard him begging and sobbing. The Min Yoongi that she knew was never this weak. No one was able to make him cry or even worse beg. Did she hurt him this much? It didnt sit well with her to know that she is the cause of his pain. She thought leaving will only make it easier for the both of them.

Not being able to take it anymore, Y/N takes a deep breath to find some courage for herself and slide her phone, finally picking up his calls after his millionth time trying.

"Y/N. You finally answered me!" Yoongi's sound happy, relieved and sad at the same time.

"Stop calling me Yoongi! Please,"

"I cant do that Y/N. I wont do that," he said full of determination in his voice.

"Yoongi please. There is nothing for us to talk about. There is nothing left in our relationship to salvage Yoongi!" Y/N is frustrated. She still loves him and is desperately trying to forget him, but his constant phone calls is not helping her even a bit. "All we do is fight Yoongi. We dont even have time for each other..." her voice turned sad at the memory.

"You still remember Y/N. That means something,"

"What? What are you talking about Yoongi. Stop saying nonsense,"

"Even if its just the fights that you remember, it still means you remember us Y/N. Every moment spend with you, good and bad, everything is worth remembering, both wonderful because I'm with you. And I know you feel the same way Y/N,"

"Yoongi. Stop. I-"

"No. Listen to me," he plead. "Even if its just the fights that you remembered. Or the little things like me always hogging your tv and never putting the toilet seat down," he heard her chuckle between sobs, "its just means that you still remember us Y/N."

Yoongi kept quiet for a moment, only the light sound of breath can be heard from both sides.

"I dont know where you are Y/N. But I swear that I will find you again. Things will change this time. I will change. We will make it work no matter what. We love each other and nothing is going to beat that,"

"Yoongi... love alone wont be enough,"

"Yes it is baby. Dont you ever wonder why you still remembers everything we had together? Doesnt bad the good or the bad? Why you still bother to even pick up my phone calls if you hate me so much?" Yoongi smirked.

"Its because you love me Y/N. And your love will bring you back to me someday,"

I'll leave the door on the latch If you ever come back, if you ever come back There'll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat If you ever come back There'll be a smile on my face and the kettle on And it will be just like you were never gone

Another one of his endless phone calls and another one of his begging which Y/N is listening too with tears in her eyes.

"I will wait for you Y/N. I know you still love me. I know you do," his voice defeated, barely above a whisper but he feels the need to convince her one last time. "What we have is real. We will fix everything. We will. So I will wait for you to come back,"

"Yoongi. Dont do-"

"No. I will wait. I will leave the hall light open for you. Just the way you like it. Your book is still on the coffee table, I never touched it because you dont like when I do that. Your flowers by the window are still blooming because I watered them everyday. I know how upset you will be if they died. Your clothes are still in the closet. And our room... our room still smell like you Y/N. I didnt sleep on your side of the bed. Okay maybe once but that's only because I missed you too much. But everything is just waiting for you to come back Y/N," he rambled on like a mad man, not giving a chance for Y/N to cut him off.

"Everything is still the same. Everything is just like you are still here. So come back. Come back to me. I'll be here waiting for you, smiling when you open the door. We dont even have to talk about this. We can just pretend like you never left. Just as long as you come back. Okay baby?"

"Yoongi..." Y/N whispered his name, he can hear the sobbing on the other line, harder than any other days and he felt his heart clenched. Something is not right. He feels like he is losing her all over again.

"Its not going to happen Yoongi I wont come back. I do love you. I love you so much Min Yoongi, but dont wait up for me. Because I wont ever come back to you. I'm... I'm so sorry,"

"Y/N..."

She has already hung up the phone.

Now they say I'm wasting my time 'Cause you're never comin' home But they used to say the world was flat But how wrong was that now?

"Its been a month since your last phone call Yoongs. How long are you going to mope around?" Hoseok looks at his friend worriedly.

"Why dont you come back and stay at the dorm with us? I miss my roommate," Jin tried to persuade the moping Yoongi back. Truth is, they are worried. They knew the break up has left a big impact on him but he didnt seem this... weak before. Yoongi even look a little cheerful the past weeks and suddenly bam, he turned into a living zombie.

"No. I have to be here. She might come home," he shakes his head and slumped back on the couch, covering himself with the blanket.

"Yoongs... its been months. I dont thinks she's coming,"

"She will hyung. I just know it. We have been talking for the past weeks..." his voice trailed off, sadness suddenly engulfing him. So Yoongi and Y/N has been talking. Is that why he seems happier the past weeks? But what happened suddenly to turned him into this breathing lump of a man? Jin thought to himself as he observed the man wrapped in a blanket burrito in front of him.

"You two talked? Thats great! Then what happened?" Jin carefully tried to dig deeper into what could actually happened.

"She said she wont ever come back to me...," Yoongi's soft voice muffled by the blanket but loud enough for the two to hear, making them exchanged looks. "I know she said that a million times, but there's something different in her voice this time... and I think... I think Y/N really mean it," he peeks from the blanket and the two males can see how glossy his eyes are from unshed tears.

"Oh Yoongs..." Hoseok immediately lurged forward and gave him a tight hug. Jin stood up and sat on the other end of the couch, his hands patting Yoongi's legs.

"Then... why dont you come with us? Maybe just for a little while? The other boys miss you too you know. We dont want you to be sad alone Yoongi. Y/N might never come back for real," the eldest man whispered carefully, hoping it wont trigger Yoongi into extreme rage. He knows his words hurt but someone has to tell the truth to this hear broken man.

Yoongi only weakly shakes his head as a sign of rejecting the offer. "As good as that sounds hyung, no. I will stay here. This is our home. She will come back. Later if not sooner. And I need to be here when she does,"

"Yoongi..." Jin sighed.

"Im sure of it,"

"What if you are wrong? How long are you going to torture yourself like this?"

"But what if you two are the one who are wrong and she did come back to see that I didnt wait for her? You might say that Y/N wont come back, but people also used to say that the earth is flat and ended up wrong anyway. So who's to know which one of us is wrong or right?"

Both Jin and Hoseok sighed. There is no point in talking some sense into Yoongi right now. There is nothing they can do other than wait and hope that he will get a grip of reality.

"Okay Yoongi. If that's what you want then, we wont force you,"

"But one of us will come often to check on you okay?" Hoseok flashed him a worried look.

"Yeah. Whatever," was the only mumble they heard before Yoongi pulls the blanket to cover his face again.

But even if wishing is a waste of time Even if I never cross your mind

Yoongi crumpled another piece of paper and threw it to the corner of the living room, making it join the stack of paper that shared the same fate.

He tried his best to get over her. To not think about her. Its been more than a month now. Maybe she really isnt coming back. Maybe waiting and hoping is really just a waste of time and another way to hurt his already broken heart. Maybe Y/N has really move on and didnt even think about him at all. He tried to pour all his emotions in a new song but nothing seems to work. Everything he wrote doesnt seem to work. He kept crumpling paper after paper in frustration and finally giving up and lay flat on the cold floor.

I miss you Y/N. What are you doing right now? Are you happy? Did you find somebody new already? Someone who loves you right?

A soft knock reached his ears and he groaned out. True to their promisse, one of the boys would come everyday to check on his condition. Mostly trying to see if he is still breathing or not. But Yoongi usually doesnt mind since they will bring him food and gives him some company.

But not today.

Today he just wants to be alone and mope. He wants to be alone and think about his stupid mistakes. To think about the ways he could have fix his relationship before everything gone down to shit.

Today he just wants to sit and think about Y/N.

"Go away," Yoongi yelled half heartedly towards the continuous knocking on the door. He is drained of all energy as he laid down flat on the cold living room floor. But the soft knocking still continues, making him extremely annoyed now.

"Go away Hobi. I know its you. I'm fine. I'm still alive okay! I dont wanna see you. I dont wanna see anybody today. Can you jist leave me alone? Whoever you are?!" he yelled again with all the strength he has left, thinking it might be one of the other boys and not Hoseok who came today, but the knocking still wont stop. With trails of dry tears all over his face, swollen eyes and disheveled hair, he peels himself off the cold floor and make the short distance to the door.

With an angry forced he swing open the door, ready to bite off whoever's head that is standing there.

"Hobi, I said-" Yoongi stop midtrack as he stares at the tear strained face looking back at him. Tears are rolling down her cheeks but a smile still graced her lips as her body shakes to control her cries. This is definitely not his smiling best friend.

Yoongi blinked, hoping he is not dreaming as the beautiful face that he has been imagining in his dreams all these months stares back at him with wide eyes.

"I-"

"Hi... sugarplum. You were right... Your love... it brought me back to you,"

And it will be just like you were never gone

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