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with-love-from-love · 10 months

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the desire jellyfish

“Current-borne, wave-flung, tugged hugely by the whole might of ocean, the jellyfish drifts in the tidal abyss. The light shines through it, and the dark enters it. Borne, flung, tugged from anywhere to anywhere, for in the deep sea there is no compass but nearer and farther, higher and lower, the jellyfish hangs and sways; pulses move slight and quick within it, as the vast diurnal pulses beat in the moondriven sea. Hanging, swaying, pulsing, the most vulnerable and insubstantial creature, it has for its defense the violence and power of the whole ocean, to which it has entrusted its being, its going, and its will.

But here rise the stubborn continents. The shelves of gravel and the cliffs of rock break from water baldly into air, that dry, terrible outerspace of radiance and instability, where there is no support for life. And now, now the currents mislead and the waves betray, breaking their endless circle, to leap up in loud foam against rock and air, breaking....

What will the creature made all of seadrift do on the dry sand of daylight; what will the mind do, each morning, waking?”

(Ursula K. Le Guin, The Lathe of Heaven)

Here I am once more, flooding your inbox with my deranged ramblings. Sometimes I feel so ashamed of myself, and I know that is an exercise in self obsession. I need to learn how to simultaneously listen to myself more, and learn how to disregard my internal darkness, my selfish desires of flesh. What would it even mean to be perfect, to be flawless, would anyone even want that. I think in our constant unchanging effort to achieve “good” and “happy” lives, we miss the fact that pain is not our enemy, in fact, she is our dear friend. Time makes absolutely no sense to me, how could I possibly forget all the lessons that I taught myself already? That instead of looking for answers, I should look for more questions. The question, the answer, you who are reading this, and me, writing this, we are all dreams, dreamt by something old, something long ago, yet also sometime in the future, sometime outside this place we inhabit. I constantly feel just like that jellyfish, encapsulating the dark and the light, moved by the whim of the ocean, our mother. I went to the beach this month, I teared up, tears for that reclamation of lost girlhood. I let the ocean pull me, breathe me in, and I felt so safe, knowing that she could take me back, without cause, without effort.

“The flawlessly beautiful were flawlessly happy, weren’t they? To Kirsty this had always seemed self-evident. Tonight, however, the alcohol made her wonder if envy hadn’t blinded her. Perhaps to be flawless was another kind of sadness.”

(Clive Barker, The Hellbound Heart)

Desire is inherently brimming with shame. Desire should not be shameful, so much of it comes from our humanity, our joy of connection, our dark love of pain and degradation. Shame is a prison, a terrible box we are placed in by people who are supposed to love us. I think that shame is inflicted on us, often by people in our own communities. In my experience, we, the dolls, love to cringe at each other, we revel in it. I think, like all things, this originates because of many nuanced factors, but at the end of the day, we all have that darkness, that desire to be accepted, to be a part of the in-group, pointing and laughing at those whose behavior we deem unacceptable. I am, without a doubt, very guilty of this. God this “newsletter” is just turning into a way for me to process my various sins. I'm trying not to engage in too much self hatred or self love, both are tipping the scales of narcissism, and I need to focus more on where these things meet.

Why is it considered “cringe” for a trans woman to just talk about her experiences, her life. I think often we intentionally avoid being the trans girl who talks about trans girl stuff, so as not to make the cis world uncomfortable or alienated. In my mind, this is pointless. You could really get down and dirty, and just say everything we do is cringe, because everything we do is fueled by desire, and I would argue that desire is inherently cringe. We’re so unbelievably cucked by cynicism. The act of showing genuine care, genuine excitement, genuine curiosity, has somehow been twisted by anti-intellectualism. And yeah, taste is pretty inextricably linked to class, but it’s the ruling class that has decided art should be literal and uncomplicated, that complex ideas, emotions, themes, are merely an inconvenience to you, and you should focus on serious things. The life of a doll, how I see my life, the life of anyone really, should be like a poem, an abstract painting, a song that makes you joyful, just as easily as it makes you cry. After all, it is cold in the water, there is no sense in abandoning that reality.

I’m reminded of the second truth of Buddhism. In college I took a bunch of classes on Buddhism, (cringe) and I’m reminiscing on the various ways in which those philosophies affected my life. The second truth seeks to determine the route of human suffering, Buddhists believe it lies in desire and ignorance. Desire, meaning the craving of pleasure, material goods, and immortality, and ignorance being the dissonance of seeing the world not as it truly is, thus breeding envy, greed, hatred, and anger. Now, obviously I am not a scholar of any kind, I am a trashy, transsexual weirdo with a neck tattoo, but I do have an issue with this philosophy. On the part of ignorance, I agree, but I think the denial of desire is rooted in a denial of the self, and of course, the self is a selfish attachment in the tenants of Buddhism. So yes, desire does bring about suffering, but I would argue that suffering, pain, sadness, are not necessarily bad. In fact I would argue that the pursuit of a life with no suffering is pointless and foolish.

And did you know desire's a terrible thing

The worst that I could find

And did you know desire's a terrible thing

But I rely on mine

Did you know desire's a terrible thing

It makes the world go blind

But if desire, desire's a terrible thing

You know that I really don't mind

And it's my life

And though I can't be sure what I want any more

It will come to me later

Well it's my life, and it's my life

And though I can't be sure if I want any more

It will come to me later, ah, yeah

(The Sundays, Can’t Be Sure)

Having sexual proclivities, unconventional interests, or really any deviation from what the straight cis world defines as “normal” is central to our experiences. I don’t want to feel shame, I don’t want to cringe at myself, but my mind has been irrevocably scarred by friends, family, media, art, and fucking Maury Povich. So much of my early understanding of trans identity centered around pity, disgust, humiliation, and fear. I heard this term recently, “humilitainment,” and I can’t lie and say I don’t have this innate fear, that the only reason anyone engages with my work is because, secretly, they are laughing at me. I must conquer this fear however, because it is founded in self obsession. After all, making art is a journey of self reflection, of self refraction. I am not the same person I was yesterday, I am not the same person I was when I started writing this journal, we must all be in a constant state of metamorphosis.

“Sometimes a person starts out resistant but then opens up, or realizes that they are confusing their past with their present, or that they are simply afraid of change. Sometimes one party can see clearly into the future while the other’s vision is obscured by unresolved but ancient experiences. Sometimes someone needs to be courted. Sometimes one party has the wrong impression of the other person, cannot see their gifts”

“While unrecovered trauma is so often a prison of inflexibility, some people do have choices about how to respond. And someone else might make that shift possible by daring to imagine what to us may feel unimaginable. Which can be love.”

(Sarah Schulman, Conflict Is Not Abuse)

I rewatched a couple of movies that have always been very impactful to me this month, and I noticed that these two movies are somewhat a reflection of each other. Andrei Tarkovsky’s 1979 film Stalker, and Alex Garland’s 2018 film Annihilation. Both movies are so steeped in metaphor, and I think they both reflect our desire to understand what is ultimately incomprehensible. How can we ever hope to really grasp our trauma? Why do we spend so much time running from our pain, being suffocated by our mistakes? What do we lose when we refuse to submit to nature, the natural process of all things? Immortality is plastic, it is hard and unchanging, it is the companion of death, her strange relative.

“I didn’t know what going back meant, why would it be safer than going forward?”

(Annihilation)

(Stalker)

“I knew there’d be a lot of sorrow, but I’d rather know bittersweet happiness…than a gray uneventful life. Perhaps I invented all this later, but when he came up to me and said ‘come with me’ I went. And I’ve never regretted it. Never. There was a lot of grief, and fear and pain, but I’ve never regretted it, nor envied anyone. It’s just fate. It’s life. It’s us. And if there were no sorrow in our lives, it wouldn’t be better. It would be worse. Because then there would be no happiness either. And there’d be no hope. So…”

(Stalker)

“The mutations were subtle at first. More extreme as we grew closer to the lighthouse. Corruptions of form. Duplicates of form. Echoes.”

“Is it possible these were hallucinations?”

“I wondered that myself. But they were shared among all of us. It was dreamlike.”

“Nightmarish?”

“Not always. Sometimes it was beautiful.”

(Annihilation)

Our refusal to submit, to be pliable and ever changing, will be our death. We can never return to the people we once were, in fact, it is vital that we don’t. We must be ourselves refracted, light through a prism, that becomes something new, something equally as terrifying as it is beautiful.

I really want to share a poem I wrote this month, but I want to make it clear that it features some very triggering imagery. I normally wouldn’t include a warning like this, but my intention is not to shock or cause pain to anyone.

Let me be insect

Am I human? Am I insect? Am I fragile bone and delicious flesh? Am I chrysalis? Crystal, glistening exoskeleton. I am woman, by ancient, eldritch design. I am desiccated, disintegrating. I am wrapped in every golden web. I am dinner for every spider, I am fodder for every knife held by my sisters. I am debris, seaweed, broken sand dollar. I am penance. I am forgiveness. I am self flagellation, I am selfish. I am hungry, attention seeking whore! A ripe candidate for the devil. A fruit tree in her garden. Pluck me! Pluck me! I will scream, pluck me, devour me, it’s what I’m here for isn’t it, I say through my tears. I look up at goddess. Did you put me here simply to rot on this branch, to fall, to bruise, to be deemed a sunken cost. To melt into the earth, to give in to her strong hands, to give in to strangulation. Please, please, tell me I’m worthless, tell me I’m nothing. Tell me I am just yours to play with. Yours to use how you see fit. Make me fucking beg. I can be chameleon, I can be change. I can be what you want, your desire, your darkness. Your cutting board. I can be your mother, your teacher, the attention you believe the world owes you, your outlet for misery and dissatisfaction. I promise I love it. I promise I love it. We can let the stagnation of summer give way to the yearning of fall, the ache of winter, the titillation of springtime. You could kiss me in the rain, then tell me you never want to kiss me again. I could fall on your sword, tip piercing my breast, and I could pull myself closer. It’s what you want, isn’t it? Isn’t it? Oh please tell me, don’t leave me in stasis. Don’t freeze my cocoon, forced to stew forever in my plasma. Let me refract, let me be prism, shifting light to color, to energy. I can be butterfly, wings with painted skulls. Let me be ugly, I know it’s truth. Let me be perfect, I know it’s fallacy, it’s supremacy is shattered, like glass rubbed against my softening skin. Let me fucking bleed out on the dirty carpet, don’t help me, the only way you could help me, is if you watched, and enjoyed it. Am I human? Am I insect? Am I to be used, or to use. Am I to kill? Am I to take away? Am I to give? To grow seeds in my belly. To succumb to plastic. To be nothing but mirror. A mirror I am trapped behind, my lungs hoarse from unheard screams.

For those of you that didn’t feel the desire to read this poem, I weirdly found a meme after I wrote it that pretty much sums it up perfectly, a moment of digital synchronicity, a strange message from the algorithms that control my life.

I have been writing so much more, more than I have since I was small. A month or so ago, I found some old notebooks of mine from elementary and middle school. I was so surprised to see all the ways I expressed myself creatively when I was young and how, the older I got, the stories and the drawings, the beauty, gave way to a terrible darkness, a refusal of myself. Page after page of uncertainty. I want to understand the benefits of pain, of desire, but I have to recognize my own failings to understand joy.

“The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as something rather stupid. Only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting. This is the treason of the artist: a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain. If you can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em. If it hurts, repeat it. But to praise despair is to condemn delight, to embrace violence is to lose hold of everything else. We have almost lost hold; we can no longer describe a happy man, nor make any celebration of joy. How can I tell you about the people of Omelas?”

(Ursula K. Le Guin, The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas)

So, I don’t want to lose hold, I want to hold on, and I think the best way for me to hold on is to continue creating, to not fall into the trap of blindly embracing the company of despair. I started writing a story, I’m so fucking excited about it, I don’t have much yet, and I’m still very much learning who the characters are, and how the narrative will progress, but it has filled me with so much joy. The story has a lot of darkness, a reflection of my own feelings, but creating a world, a place, that is only accessible through a little doorway in my mind is honestly a fucking trip. I started taking a writing course this month. I got to hear from an author whose work I really admire. I am filled with so many ideas, thoughts of talking bugs and cats that know your future.

Exploring mediums has always been my favorite way of engaging with my heart, and creating art has always represented my future, a way for me to make sense of the bizarre places I find myself in. Not only that, but a way for me to connect, to share myself with other people, I got to do a bunch of tattoos this month and I’m so happy with all of them. The best part was that they were all trades I did with my friends, except for one, but that one was still done on an old friend, so I’d consider it to be just as sentimental. It just makes me so happy, to stimulate creativity in a way that joins people, that brings me closer to people I care for. Obviously you could argue this will lead to a hedgehog's dilemma, the closer we get, the more capable we are of hurting each other, but I think that intimacy is worth more than that, it’s worth more than the fear of potential heartache. After all, heartache lets us know we are alive, that we are capable of opening our hearts to someone, even with the potential of breaking it. Human intimacy is like the Milky Way colliding with the Andromeda galaxy, it’s inevitable, and once it happens, neither will exist as they once were, they will both be scattered echoes of the other.

And of course, there are all different kinds of desires. I spend my life talking to a lot of people, and yet I am always looking for those very few with whom I really want to be in conversation. Such occasions are rare, but when it happens, it is a special kind of love.”

(Sarah Schulman, Conflict Is Not Abuse)

To end things this month, I’m thinking of a piece of advice a friend once gave me. We were standing in my living room and I was pouring myself a cup of coffee, probably my 5th or 6th cup of the day. She looked at me and, authoritatively said, “Sasha, coffee is not food.” Not with anger, not patronizing, but out of care. And obviously she meant it in the literal sense, but now I’m seeing its deeper meaning. It can’t be all pleasure, it can’t be all stimulation, we must allow ourselves moments of quiet, moments of reflection, moments of just being with our thoughts and feelings. We must be kind to ourselves, but honest. We can engage in contempt, but we must recognize when the scale has tipped to hatred. Coffee is not and can never fucking be food. Desire is wonderful, but it is just as intoxicating, and we cannot live on intoxication alone.

With love from love

Sasha Love

Please donate to FOR THE GWORLS, a collective providing mutual aid and support to black trans people. https://www.forthegworls.party/home <3

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nyc-uws · 1 year

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15 Mind-Blowing ‘Shower Thoughts’ Posts the Internet Has to Offer

Within the strange world of Reddit, these little things called shower thoughts are rocking the worlds of countless people online.

By Jade Hookham, UC San Diego

15 Mind-Blowing ‘Shower Thoughts’

Posts the Internet Has to Offer

Within the strange world of Reddit, these little things called shower thoughts are rocking the worlds of countless people online.

By Jade Hookham, UC San Diego

The Internet is weird. Though this statement may sound obvious to anyone under 40 who goes beyond the soccer-mom-infested realm that is Facebook, the phrase “the Internet is weird” doesn’t truly resonate unless you see concrete proof. Whether that means delving deep into an online forum or chatting with random strangers on Omegle <https://www.omegle.com/>, you can find bizarre things anywhere if you look hard enough.

For example, an online haven of random and strange posts has thrived within the sub-Reddit titled /r/Showerthoughts a community where you are meant to “share anything that goes on in your head whilst in the shower.” The theory is that people’s minds tend to wander during tedious tasks like showering, so their most interesting thoughts often occur during this time.

And what better to do with these bursts of inspiration than to share them with the Internet? Though this premise may sound simple enough, the idea of revealing “shower thoughts” online has spiraled into something far beyond what anyone intended.

From funny to gross to dark, shower thoughts are meant to represent unfiltered observations of people’s seemingly mundane life experiences. Posts can literally be about anything and everything, so long as you’re not saying something overtly offensive.

However, the most famous shower thoughts posts are often ones that trigger some kind of revelation for readers, causing a “mind-blowing” effect. And as this quick and easy method of spreading modern philosophical conjectures took hold, shower thoughts became more well known online.

The /r/Showerthoughts thread’s 14 million subscribers prove the popularity of these posts, and the trend has spread beyond any single website;

Facebook <https://www.facebook.com/ShowerThoughtss/>,

Instagram <https://www.instagram.com/showerthoughtsdaily/>,

Twitter <https://twitter.com/TheWeirdWorld?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor>

Tumblr <http://showerthoughtsofficial.tumblr.com/>

So if you’re wondering what all the hype is about, have no fear. Here are 15 shower thoughts, taken from Reddit and Tumblr, just to get your feet wet.

1. Whatever happens inside our bodies happens in pitch-black darkness.

So does that mean when babies are born, they literally see the light? Living for nine months in a dark, wet incubator must be rough.

2. Imagine how amazing a rave in an Ikea would be, like a giant house party in all the fake rooms.

Throw in some Swedish meatballs, and you’ve got yourself a party to end all parties.

3. When you “bite down” on something you’re actually “biting up” because you can’t move your top jaw.

Imagining the action of “biting down” will never be the same.

4. A pet rock is a great pet, until you realized its essentially immortal, and you have damned it to an eternity of watching loved ones die.

Who need immortal vampire stories when you can have one about an immortal rock?

5. If James Bond is the most famous spy, doesn’t that make him the

worst spy?

Sooner or later, the major spy agencies of the world will probably have to get rid of James Bond for revealing trade secrets.

6. There is an uninterrupted tube going from your mouth to your anus. Since your body doesn’t completely close it off. Really humans are just like giant donuts with arms and legs. Food never really goes in you it just touches the walls of your inner-donut until you absorb the nutrients.

So if a person eats a donut, then there’s a donut inside your inner donut, according to this logic.

7. Crabs probably think that fish can fly.

What about flying fish then? Do they just ascend to heaven?

8. It’s said that 1 year equals 7 dog years. Computers age at about the same rate. A 10 year old computer functions about as well as a 70 year old human.

If this is true, no wonder those ancient computers are called “dinosaurs.”

You might also like: Are We Letting Personality Quizzes Define Our Personalities?

9. Your nose smells the outside of your body when you inhale, but it doesn’t smell the inside of your body when you exhale.

Obvious scientific implausibility aside, it would be horrifying to smell the inside of your body. Who knows what’s been lurking in there?

10. Flat Earth society was (probably) a social experiment to prove how many idiot followers could be gathered by giving a totally insane idea enough momentum on the internet…and it’s working.

If this theory is correct, then B.o.B must be an undercover agent looking to convert as many Flat Earthers as possible.

11. A group of squid should be called a squad.

Imagine a group of squid doing a squad pose. That is all.

12. Old people tell young men/women they’re a “catch” despite not getting a lot of attention because they see beauty that young people don’t value yet.

After all those dark and stupid posts, a pure one like this seems the most appropriate.

You might also like:

5 Tips for Using Reddit More Effectively

13. Santa Claus is important because it teaches you that the people in charge are capable of lying to you to manipulate your behavior.

The greatest betrayal of Santa is that parents can eat cookies and say that Santa did it instead. Keeping in mind how many years of their lives kids believe in Santa, that’s a lot of cookies swindled from the mouths

of babes.

14. “Firefly” is the opposite of “Waterfall.”

It’s literally not, but this is clever wordplay nonetheless.

15. Everyone has three voices: the one in your head, the one you hear when you talk and the one everyone else hears.

Who else has difficulty expressing how the voice in their head sounds?

Thinking this much can’t be good for you.

Whether you’re looking to experience a mind-blowing revelation or just get a few good chuckles, shower thoughts accounts are definitely worth perusing a bit. Though they may not change your life in a drastic way, the experience will certainly be a memorable one.

https://studybreaks.com/tvfilm/shower-thoughts-internet/https://studybreaks.com/tvfilm/shower-thoughts-internet/

#Shower #shower thoughts

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creaturebehavior · 1 year

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something about how i don’t care very much about meagan anymore because we haven’t had a real conversation in far too many years

something about how it helps me understand how you may not always be interested in me

something about how i feel always interested in you

something about how i wish i had someone who felt that way about me. and then a whole mix of thoughts like that’s silly, i’m being irrational

mixed up weird thoughts always about that time on acid with Rose when I was completely open and vulnerable, and they couldn’t understand what i meant by what i had said….. The way i said it was very confusing i guess. but at the time it was like. oh. They can’t see me. they don’t understand me. They can’t feel me. It rocked my world. I thought we were on this wavelength…… I felt totally dejected the moment i realized they didn’t understand what i meant when i was in the middle of having a very moving epiphany about how i loved how familiar they had felt to me. like i realized we had known each other all this time, and loved so deeply…. that now they were the person i was most familiar with. The realization moved me to tears because I felt so safe with them, what a relief what a joy what a revelation I have found this beautiful love in my life! But as i teared up and leaned in and hugged them, they froze and pulled away and said they didn’t understand what i had meant. and every emotion left my body. i stopped crying immediately and i stopped feeling anything immediately. Of course they didn’t feel connected. That was the first time i really grasped that Rose was never going to fully let me in. And i couldn’t blame them i understood why. All i did was hurt them in my addiction.

and all these mixed emotions about those times. those years. i was crazy. and sick. and it’s hard to forgive myself even if i was unwell. hurt people hurt people. it sucks. it’s shitty. it’s shitty.

i feel so detached.

i don’t want to get close to meagan again. then i think twice like what’s wrong with me.

i don’t know how to have friends.

the one person i want to talk to i also dread hearing from because then it makes me wish we spoke more. it makes me not want to speak at all. then i think to myself how sick is that?

i am one of the most selfish people in the world. i don’t understand how to soften up.

i was a lot softer and kinder at one point in my life but that literally only got me hurt and i got taken advantage of. i was also still selfish during those times. and unwell

i want friends and immediately ii’m struck by the fact that i don’t know how to be a friend. i’ve never learned and i’m so scared to try again cuz i don’t wanna hurt anyone. at the same time, on a pretty much daily basis i think of possibly never speaking to my two friends again. that’s not right. those people love me and i literally sometimes don’t want us to know each other anymore.

i try to remember any time in my life where i’ve been a good friend and i can’t name one. i don’t know any friendship i’ve ever had where i was a good friend to that person.

i don’t understand how to relate to and connect with people. i’m so desperate to connect with people. and i do it wrong ever time i get an opportunity.

every year of my life i feel like i am spiraling out of control so of course i do not hang onto friends because it’s mortifying to be sick in front of people

yet i hurt people anyway because instead of remaining their friend through my illness i just end the friendship right there. talk to you never.

hurt them by staying or hurt them by leaving

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prometheusinitiative · 1 year

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Ridley & Royce | Chapter 1 Verdict Reaction | You'll Know When It Happens

Royce’s gambit fails. Ridley’s counter ends with the amount it started with.

All it would have taken was one more person to sway things in a better direction. One more person to have doubts and play along with the narrative the two of them managed to stir up despite being separated, all of the obvious flaws in the evidence discovered. If Kezia was someone of poor character, someone would have known by then. Royce wonders to himself if Ridley’s unexpected outburst swayed things too far for any of them to salvage.

And yet… The finger of suspicion went to her from so many for so many obvious reasons. He reads Eden’s moving lips effortlessly despite muting the channel the instant he opens his mouth, feels the caustic fire of judgment igniting in him like it did with Michiya at Eden’s own “death”. Whatever Eden is saying feels as worthless and spiteful as if he’d outright insulted Kezia instead.

Kezia has doomed herself in silence.

He listens as others cycle through everything ranging from apologies and attempts at comforting words, and thinks of them—alive, at the end of all of this—mostly doing nothing. Accepting it because thank God it isn’t any of them in Kezia’s place right now. If Ridley’s not already thinking about what he’s thinking of, she will be soon. The only difference between this slaughterhouse and the other one is the lack of the uncaring sun’s cloudless fury above them. There was never any time to help Kezia. It happened, the worst coincidence possible, and it went unheard, over as quickly as it started.

I must not judge, Royce thinks, watching the recordings, sick to his stomach. It’s hard not to despise Tracy in that moment—guilty or not, to push someone and have to resort to self-defense so extreme. And he should have known. Should have been able to tell from Kezia’s reaction, intimately familiar with what that same level of inexplicable terror looks like.

Hatred radiates from his silence.

The revelation stuns Ridley into her own horrified silence, hands flying up to cover her mouth. She can’t look at Kezia. She can’t look at anyone. There is absolutely nothing the words “I’m sorry” can possibly convey.

They were trying.

“You duped ‘em with the caring friend thing, took advantage of that as soon as they opened up to you?”

Ridley reminisces on their adventure in the woods with Jules, how confident they all felt that there was a solution to find before time ran out, how rock solid that felt with the three of them together, how she and Jules indulged her naming the stupid fucking axe they found after Cher, how some of the best and brightest minds in the world had all come together and would find a way to help not only themselves, but the rest of the world. And she was just along for the ride.

“Don’t take her,”

Ridley croaks, eyes glassy again. She’s not there anymore, transported to another time entirely in her mind.

“Don’t take her, I was wrong. I was mad when I said all that stuff, I wasn’t thinking, I was… It’s not…You can’t. You just can’t, okay, you can’t force someone into circumstances like that and… Not someone who’s never done something like…”

Frenzied, she rushes the wall of TV sets, grabbing any of them to try and pull them closer to her face, screaming, sobbing, beating her hands against each one, pacing the chamber she’s in like a caged predator before lunging back at them again, the entire feed lurching with a violent shake.

“What’s she supposed to do?! Just go along with it? Something she didn’t even choose, something she has no control over? Is she supposed to just take it and die just because someone else decided she has to?! Because they said so?! It’s not a choice you make, it’s a fucking struggle to survive!”

Ridley shuts up when Jules speaks, a spark of hope igniting within her, holding their screen in a white-knuckled grip, nodding along with everything they’re saying, unquestioning. Jules is getting them started, they’re right, they’re smart, if it was someone else’s situation then Kezia would be doing the exact same thing for any of them, they were all working together to solve it, and… She and Royce know each other. He’ll do something. He’ll fix it. He always fixes it.

“Jules! Jules, you have to—Ben, help her!”

Ridley’s knees buckle as Jules finishes, and she looks to Royce’s screen helplessly, waiting for him to back them up. They had an agreement, making a conscious decision that they weren’t going to participate in this stupid game after finding out the circumstances why they were all here.

When Royce finally stands, Ridley’s panicking subsides temporarily. She wants to cheer, encourage him to beat whatever they’re dealing with and figure it out like he’s figured everything else out, even if she doesn’t know what any solution to this awful, sadistic situation entails.

Already prepared with a stack of his latest thoughts, Royce sets it on the chair behind him instead, hands fidgeting restlessly at his sides. His fingers curl and uncurl, thumbs brushing across each fingertip in preparation before he raises his arms, hands on either side of his mask before he lifts it away.

One by one, his eye flicks to each screen, starting with Ridley and ending with Kezia. A corner of his mouth twitches like he wants to speak, but he doesn’t open it, gaze falling to the ground before he’s looking at Kezia again, expression much softer now. The right side of his mouth curls into a crooked smile before he raises the first of several papers.

It’s their first introduction unmasked. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

He gives her a moment to read, then takes it away, underlining the word twice for emphasis before holding it up again. There was no doubt in his mind that at the very least, nothing was premeditated.

Then he is wrath incarnate, exacerbated by the gruesome wounds decorating his face, lips pulled into a frown that is as much disappointment as it anger.

He’s not angry with Encke, but the situation itself, picturing the numb feeling in his hands, the same static they’re all surrounded by. His expression shifts to something pitying, thinking the words in his mind, reaching out into the void.

And then he’s resolute again, fearless with his request for bargaining, one final step away from acceptance.

(CW: Extreme facial scarring & missing eye)

#submission #trial #ch1 #ridley #royce #art

0 notes

solarwonux · 3 years

Text

59. “I’m still sore from last night.”

single dad!jungkook x f!reader

w.c: 2.3k

warnings: fluff, non-penetrative unprotected sex. Jungkook thinks too much lol.

note: hello, first and foremost, THANK YOU FOR 1K. I’m over the moon honestly, I found out while I was on my mini vacation and it just made it 10x better so thank you so much. Anyway, I hope you like this one, it was so much fun to write, let me know your thoughts. Send me a prompt or two if you’d like. hehe <3

sequel

MASTERLIST || PROMPTS

The single ray of light peeked through the slit of Jungkook’s dark curtains, making his eyelids flutter open in discomfort. He sat up on his elbows, looking over at your splayed-out body occupying the usual empty spot next to him. Arm lying lazily around his midriff and leg wrapped around his waist. In a poor attempt to hold him hostage. He could easily slip out without waking you up, but this was a rare sight for him. You in his bed, hair messily fanning out against his dark pillows, and his sheets hanging off your naked body. Your skin glowing under the peeking sun rays of the morning sun, painting tiny sunspots all over your body.

It was a rare sight for him because you rarely stayed over, and he wanted to revel in the quiet and still moment as much as he could. As much as you allowed him to do so. Before you woke up panicking peeling your limbs away from his body in a frantic sleepy search for your clothes that occupied every inch of his one-bedroom loft.

He was outgrowing it in every sense of the word. Last week he had to replace the crib in the far with a twin-sized bed, leaving little room to comfortably move around it. It had been proven to him last night when you accidentally bumped your knee into the corner of his daughter’s bed while you helped him clean up his place, while she was away at her grandparents for the weekend.

It was why you had shamelessly decided to stay over. It was why he was able to wake up next to you. Why he was contemplating on waking you up so the two of you could hunt for apartments together. Why he had been turning the same sentences over in his head, looking for the right way to ask you to move in with him. To marry him. Would asking the two questions side by side be too overwhelming, or will knocking two birds with one stone be the right thing to do?

He didn’t know, this was all new to him. Haneul’s mother didn’t want her, didn’t love her and left her to him before disappearing without a trace. You were the first person he called when he arrived at the hospital to pick her up. Having his daughter in his arms, a daughter he had no idea he had until that morning, was terrifying and in the midst of his breakdown, he dialed your number. You were his best friend back then, now you were his girlfriend and the only mother Haneul had ever and will ever know. He wanted everything to be official but he didn’t know how or if he should.

Frustrated, he lays down again, running his hand down his torso until it reaches your hand. He walks his fingers up your arm in a ghostlike matter, while humming quietly, contemplating the ever-present questions that he always found himself swallowing. It was never the right time, but the right time never seemed to come, so maybe he should just blurt it out and then hide away.

“Good morning,” you croak, sleep still present in your voice. A smile creeps onto Jungkook’s face, his thoughts fleeting to hide in the back of his mind again. He turns to face you, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you close.

“Good morning my beautiful girlfriend.” He hums leaving a gentle kiss on the tip of your nose before burying his head in your neck. You smelled like green tea and white sage; the scent of your body lotion and him. It made him feel calm. Though if he were to ever express that thought out loud you would just say that it was the work of your stress-free body lotion. But no, you smelled, felt like home to him and it made him feel calm.

You twinkle your fingers down his bare back, the gnawing emptiness in the pit of your stomach returns. Your alone time with him was coming to an end and you hated it. “I have to get up, I have to go.” You whisper, planting a gentle kiss on the crown of his head.

Jungkook makes a disappointed sound, tightening his hold around you. “No five more minutes.” He whines kissing down your neck and lifts his head. A smug smile painting his beautiful features. “I can convince you to stay.” He quirks a brow, rolling his hips into yours.

“Babe.” You place a hand on his chest, your head hitting his pillow again, as the pleasure overtakes your body. “I-I can’t, I’m still sore from last night.” You breathe out as he grinds his half-hard cock against you.

He hums, chest swelling up in disgusting testosterone-filled pride. He knows he rocked your world a few times last night. Still remembers how he had you screaming louder than usual underneath him, enough to have his neighbors banging furiously against his wall. “We don’t have to go all the way, we can just stay like this.” He whispers, kissing your temple, grinding his hips against yours experimentally. It was slow and careful. He didn’t want to work himself up to full mast without your verbal agreement. Jungkook always respected your boundaries and he knew your body better than anyone you had allowed to touch you in the past. So, if you were to tell him no as much as he wanted you not to he would stop without a complaint ever leaving his lips.

You smile and push him down, straddling him. “Okay but relax, I could literally hear you thinking while I was still sleeping.” You roll your hips, your clit brushing against the tip of his fired-up cock.

He lets out a pleasure-filled sigh, resting his hands on your ass, “I got a lot to think about.” He winks before moving up his bed resting his back against the headboard of his bed, your chest now against his. “Keep going, I want to paint your pretty lips with my cum.” He mumbles kissing your cheek.

“For a dad, you’re always horny. I thought having a kid would kill your sexual prowess.” You sigh running your wet pussy over his cock harder, your lips fluttering around him, ready to take him in fully.

He laughs, bucking his hips against yours, a whimper falling out of your lips. “It did at first, remember?” He hisses when your clit brushes up against his angry head again. He wants to be inside you so badly, but he knows he’s already pushing it just with this, though, he can’t complain. When it comes to you, everything was euphoric.

You nod, looking down at him with hooded lust-filled eyes, resting your palms against his shoulders to use him as leverage to go faster. “Y-Yeah, you couldn’t get it up for the longest time, now I swear, f-fuck, it doesn’t stay down.” You rest your forehead against his.

Jungkook moves his hand between your bodies, his thumb on your clit, rubbing slow careful circles, making you jolt. “I can’t help it, you’re so sexy, everything you do is sexy.”

“Mmm, don’t stop please.” You arch your back, your hard nipples brushing against his. The bars decorating them still catch you off guard. They had been an on the whim decision back in college during a particularly stressful finals week. You had held his hand throughout the entire piercing process and wiped away his tears as he made you swear not to tell anyone he cried in pain and came in his pants all at the same time. You did and have kept his secret ever since. Now using the ladder against him during sex.

He rubbed your clit fast, his cock trapped between the wet lips of your pussy, quiet pants falling out of chapped lips. The pleasure was building fast against the pit of your stomach, “I’m close baby, are you?”

Jungkook hummed, grabbing hold of your hips and rolling them against him. The change of rhythm was much more intimate and arousing. There was no space between the two of you, your clit was brushing against the short course hairs against his mound, and it was driving you insane.

“Yes, baby, do you want me to pull away?”

“No, no want to feel you close Kook.” You threw your head back, pulling on his hair, letting your desperate need take over your body.

Jungkook moaned your name silently, moving your hips faster chasing both of your highs, “Gonna let me cum on you my sweet girl, gonna let me paint you with my cum. God, I wish I could fuck it into you after, but we can stop here, just let go please.” He bit down on your neck, making you arch your back.

“Oh my-, I’m cumming Jungkook f-fuck.” You whimpered, letting your orgasm take over, moving your pussy harder against his cock, riding out your high. You looked so beautiful and fucked out, the image burning brightly inside the corner of his brain that kept all the dirty versions of you. Your swollen clit rubs over him one last time before he’s cumming. Hot sputters of his sticky white essence coating your cunt and his abdomen, your eyes wide as you watch him spill himself all over you, the immorality of it all, enough to get you going again if you could.

“That was sexy.” Jungkook pants, making you roll your eyes. He leaves a delicate kiss against your collar bone before looking at you with soft doe pleading eyes. You never understood how he could have the dirtiest things spewing out of his mouth one second and the next he’s looking at you the same way Haneul does whenever she wants a chocolate bar before dinner. “Did I convince you to stay longer?”

“Yes, but I might consider it more if you tell me what’s been bothering you since yesterday.” You tilt your head and stand up. Jungkook blushes when he truly assesses the mess the two of you had made, making his cock twitch at the sight. “Join me in the shower?”

“Wait.” He wraps his fingers around your wrist and pulls you down on his lap again. “Not yet, wait a while please.”

“Jungkook as much as I wanted to be covered in your cum, it’s a little gross to just stay here cuddling.” You pout, running your hands through his hair pushing his dark bangs back.

“I know but,” he chews on his bottom lip, the questions from earlier return and he wonders if this is the right time. You sitting on his lap covered in his cum, or if he should wait until after the two of you have showered. This was truly driving him crazy and there was no way to hide from you because you knew him better than anyone else in this entire world.

“Babe, you're thinking again and loud. What’s wrong?” You run your index finger down the side of his, tracing the tiny minuscule freckles on his cheek connecting them.

“This is so hard, I don’t know how to just ask you to marry me and move in with me. It’s been driving me up the wall for like two weeks now. And like I don’t even have the ring yet, because it’s still being made, but they told me it would take only two weeks and it’s been a month because they’re backed up but that’s okay because they're short on staff. But I wish I had everything with me because I want everything to be perfect, you deserve perfect always and fuck, I-I just want you here forever by my side. By Haneul’s side because you make us complete and god, I don’t know how to ask you.”

There was a brief silence before you’re bending over laughing against his chest. Jungkook is left there sitting dazed and confused holding you as you laughed against him. Did he say something funny?

“Jungkook, I think you just asked me?” You lift your head, placing a hand against your chest trying to calm your nervous laughter and the pounding over your heart.

“Fuck,” he hits the palm of his hand with his forehead, his neck flushing red from embarrassment. “I didn’t want to ask you like that please, just forget about it.” He pleads sadly, tears brimming in the corner of his eyes. He wants the ground to swallow him whole.

“I don’t want you to.” You say stubbornly wrapping your arms around his neck, “and I want to say yes I will move in and marry you, will you let me?” Your fingers play with the hair resting on the back of his neck making him shiver.

He’s looking at you wide-eyed and in shock, “are you sure? We can forget about it and I can ask you when we’re not covered in cum and I have everything. I’ll even write a speech.” He says fast, his heart beating hard against his chest, threatening to fall out. The only other time he’s felt this way was when he held Haneul in his arms for the first time ever.

You shake your head, pecking his lips softly, scrunching your nose, remembering that two of you still hadn’t brushed your teeth yet. “I don’t want a do-over, this was perfect, I mean I still want my ring so I can show it off, but this was perfect. It was us.”

He lets out a sigh of relief, his shoulders falling forward, letting the tension leave his body. He was stressed out for no reason. “I love you so much,”

“I love you, now can we shower?”

“Yes, and then we can get breakfast and pick up Haneul together?”

“Sounds like a dream come true.”

#kpopscape #kdiarynet #bts #bts imagines #bts fanfiction #bts smut #bts x reader #bts fanfic #bts drabbles #bts scenarios #jungkook fanfiction #jungkook fanfic #jungkook smut #jungkook drabbles #jungkook scenarios #jungkook imagines #jungkook x reader

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luminnara · 3 years

Text

She Loves Me, She Loves My Knot | Pro Hero Alpha!Bakugou x Omega!Reader (nsfw, 18+)

hii!! i don’t see many people who write ABO for MHA so I’m glad i found you!!

Can we have a scenario where Bakugou’s omega is generally really tough and seems rather indifferent to everything — however she’s a little afraid of taking Katsuki’s knot for the first time and he tries his best to help her through that process? Sorry if it’s a little obscure but I love the idea of Bakugou being soft and caring but only for his spicy little omega.

Fem reader if you can but if you’d rather opt for gender neutral that’s fine too!! Please keep writing ABO, i love all your things! 🥺🤍

Um hi YES, I really love ABO stuff and I also wanted to see more, so I was like...welp, I guess it’s my time to rise and write my OWN haha! I went with a fem reader for this one, because I feel like that’s what I’m best at writing. If you want a gender neutral version too, let me know and I can post an alternate one!

send in a request here!

Warnings: nsfw, knotting, creampies, some breeding kink

Word count: 2,124

You were a spitfire, and that’s what he loved about you the most. His spicy, fiery little omega, who was better than every other omega to ever walk the earth. From the moment he met you, when he had nearly trampled you in the street in pursuit of an asshole villain and you had threatened to kick in the teeth of the number 4 pro hero, he knew you were something special. Nobody ever stood up to him like that, especially not when he was out on the job, but you? A little omega who smelled so sweet and looked so delicious? You weren’t afraid of him at all.

He wasn’t embarrassed to admit that he had scented you immediately, his inner alpha getting possessive already. Bakugou didn’t smell any other alphas on you, and he didn’t want to. With his strong, terrifying scent clinging to you, he knew nobody else would try to make any moves, and as you stood there glaring at him, he had given you a smirk, told you to “call my agency sometime, babe,” and then taken off.

Of course, you didn’t call his agency.

You showed up in person, marching right in and demanding to see him that very evening. Though at first you had seemed angry with him, you quickly told him (with a harsh glare and a snarl that he found absolutely adorable) that he was going to court you, and it was going to start now.

And who was he to deny such a straightforward, cute omega? The two of you were together by the end of the week.

He almost found it hard to believe that you were an omega sometimes. You were so tough, so unbothered by the world. Whenever you were out and about and you caught an alpha leering at you, you were always quicker than Katsuki when it came to snapping at them to fuck off.

You weren’t the kind of omega who let anybody shove you around, and Bakugou loved that about you. It made him puff his chest up with pride, knowing that he had someone who wouldn’t take any shit. Your scent was strong and your will was even stronger, and he knew that when the time came, you would be the perfect, toughest, best mother to his pups.

You weren’t even mated yet, and he was absolutely sure that you were the one he wanted to spend his life with. You brought out something different in him, some kind of gentle, caring side that he never, ever let anyone else see. You were big and bad, yeah, but he was bigger and badder, and he was always going to protect you, no matter what.

“Babe, I’m home,” he called one night, trudging into your shared apartment. You had moved in together quickly, getting a place in one of the nicest parts of the city.

He heard you coming before he saw you, and before he even had his boots off, you were launching yourself at him. He caught you easily, grinning at the way you peppered his neck and jaw in kisses. It was probably the cutest, least tough thing you ever did, and god, did he love it.

“Miss me or Somethin’?” He teased, kicking his shoes off and carrying you to the bedroom.

“I had the day off and it was boring as shit,” you said bluntly. “I’ve been horny all day without you around to help...”

He paused, taking a whiff. “You’re not in heat. You just like me that much, omega?”

“Don’t be a dick.” You nipped at his jaw sharply and he recoiled.

Some alphas would never let their omega treat them like that, but Bakugou? Oh, he loved it.

He grinned, tossing you down onto the bed before you had a chance to take a chunk out of his face. “So needy...bet you spent all day touchin’ yourself, thinkin’ of me...”

“No I did not,” you huffed indignantly, looking up at him. “You think too highly of yourself.”

He laughed. Your arousal was hanging heavy in the air, betraying your words. The smell of it was like a drug, and as he inhaled, you could see Bakugou’s pupils dilate.

The sight turned you on even more, warmth pooling between your legs as your cheeks flushed. Scarlet eyes, calculating and predatory, pinned you down, holding you in place as your boyfriend grinned, exposing his big alpha fangs.

Fuck, he was hot.

“Sounds like you need to be reminded why I’m your alpha, baby.” He growled, crawling over you.

"Fuck, Katsuki,” you whined as he attacked your neck, biting at your scent glands and grinning at the way you squirmed.

He sucked your skin between his teeth, working at it, determined to leave covered in hickeys for the world to see. You didn’t have a mating mark yet, but oh, did he love making sure that everybody knew exactly whose omega you were.

You bit your lip at the dull pain, back arching up off the bed slightly. “K-Katsuki...”

“Hmm?” He looked up at you. “Look at you, so pretty and flustered for me already...what a good little omega...”

He knew exactly how to tease you. You spent all day sassing Katsuki, showing him how independent you were, but deep down, he knew you needed him just as much as he needed you. In the bedroom, he could make you absolutely melt with only a few words, and it was one of his favorite things to do.

“I can smell how much you want me,” he purred. “So desperate, so needy...”

His fingers slipped up under your shirt, pushing your clothing out of the way as his hands found your tits. He gave them a generous squeeze, grinning when you let out a loud gasp. He could play you like a fiddle, and he reveled in the sweet noises you made for him.

Your hands reached for him, tugging at his pants. He took the hint and stepped back, giving you a heated look that said “clothes off. Now.”

A few moments later, you were both naked, a tangled mess of sweaty limbs. Katsuki’s arms were wrapped around you, holding you close, your nails digging into his back. If he noticed the pain, he didn’t act like it, always allowing you to practically shred him to bits while he pounded into you. Secretly, he loved the marks you left, admiring his back in the mirror whenever he thought you weren’t watching.

You felt the head of his cock nudging at your pussy and moaned eagerly, burying your face in his neck.

“What do you want, baby?” He asked.

“Come on,” you whined.

“Tell me what you want,” he grinned, holding himself still.

“Katsuki!” You bucked your hips, trying to get closer to him.

He held you down. “Use your words.”

You dug your heels into his lower back in an effort to push him in, but he was too strong, resisting your attempts with a smug look on his face.

“I want your cock!” You finally relented, letting out a needy whine that you hoped would sway him.

“Good girl,” he growled, rolling his hips forward.

You shuddered at the feeling of him entering you. No matter how many times he fucked you, you would never be able to get over how big he was. It was part of the reason you hadn’t taken his knot yet, always asking him to pull out before it could swell. As he bottomed out inside of you, you were reminded of just how thick his cock was, and how much thicker that knot had to be.

As tantalizing as it was, it was also terrifying.

“Fuck,” he grunted, holding himself above you with a hand on either side of your head. “God damn, you feel so good...I’m not gonna last long at this rate, fuck...”

You were like putty in his hands when he talked like that. His voice was already so deep and rough, but his sex voice was godlike. You whimpered beneath him, tightening your legs around his waist as he pounded into you, clinging to him for dear life as his thrusts grew harder and harder.

“Katsuki,” you gasped, voice muffled by his neck.

“You like that?” He growled, slamming into you hard enough to scoot you up the bed slightly.

“Yes,” you moaned. “Yes, yes, please...more...”

He moved his head, tongue swiping up the side of your neck before he took your lips in a kiss. You whined and moaned into it, your skin heating up as you felt yourself unraveling, and when you finally did, you were seeing stars. He barely even had to try, and Bakugou gave you the best orgasms of your life.

Your walls squeezed around him as he rode it out, trying to milk his cock. It was good, it was delicious, it was too much for him to stand.

“L-let me knot you,” he moaned low in your ear.

You were coming down from your high, head feeling fuzzy. “Hm?”

“I wanna knot you,” he repeated, more impatient this time. “Please.”

You were beginning to snap back to attention again. “Katsuki...”

“What’s wrong?” He panted, trying to taunt you like usual. “You scared or somethin’?”

When you bit your lip, he slowed his pace, looking at you seriously.

“Really?” He asked.

You nodded hesitantly, cheeks burning with embarrassment.

“You’re afraid of my knot? ...why?”

“You’re just...really big...” you mumbled, looking away to avoid his eyes. “It’ll hurt...”

“Hey,” he said gently, rocking his hips against yours slowly now. “Look at me, babe.”

He took your chin in his hand, turning your head.

“I’m your alpha.” He said roughly. “And I’m gonna take care of you.”

The look in his eyes made your heart flutter. “But...”

“I wanna knot you.” He said again, dipping down to nip at your earlobe. “I wanna fill you up...”

A shiver flew up your spine, that familiar tingle returning to your groin. Fuck, just his voice could make you cum, practically...and honestly, you were aching for him to knot you. You wanted to feel full, to be as close to him as possible.

“Be gentle?” You asked.

“Of course, baby.” He kissed your jaw, his hand slipping down to hold the side of your neck as he quickened his pace again. After only a few moments, he growled, leaning back and pulling out, leaving you feeling painfully empty. “Roll over.”

You obeyed, turning onto your stomach. When you moved too slowly, Katsuki pulled you up by your hips until you were on your hands and knees, ass presented for him.

“Gorgeous,” he growled appreciatively, guiding his cock back into you and moaning when he sank in even deeper.

You moaned loudly, burying your face in the pillows as he began pounding into you again. Your thighs were already quivering, and when you felt his fingers rubbing at your clit, you immediately lost it.

“Fuck!” You cried out, clawing at the bed. “More, please, Katsuki—“

“Fuck, I’m gonna cum,” he moaned, teeth sinking into your shoulder as he pushed into you hard.

You felt his hips stutter before he held you against him in his vice grip, breaths ragged in your ear as he let out the loudest, most delicious, breathy moan you had ever heard. He pumped his seed into you, giving a few sharp thrusts as he emptied himself.

Then, you felt it.

“Easy, baby,” he said lazily, leaning against you as he tried to catch his breath.

His knot was swelling, stretching your pussy in a way you had never felt. You whimpered nervously, swallowing hard as you tried not to freak out. You were waiting for pain, but while it was beginning to feel impossibly tight, it...wasn’t terrible.

“That’s it,” your alpha crooned, smoothing a hand up your spine. “Fuck, you even take my knot so well...”

You started to relax as you calmed down, your body allowing his knot to grow to its full size. It was big, huge, even, but as Katsuki guided you to lay down on your side with him, you were beginning to feel smug. Yeah, you had the best alpha, and he had the best, biggest knot.

“How’s it feel?” He asked, pressing a kiss to your neck.

“Mm. Not bad.” You replied. The post sex haze was beginning to set in, and you were growing tired.

“Good girl.” He nuzzled against your scent glands, inhaling deeply. “Knew you could take it no problem.”

“I wasn’t even really worried.” You lied, trying to sound tough.

He snorted a laugh. “Yeah, right.”

You snuggled back against him. “I like it.”

“Yeah? Good. Because I am never going to stop knotting you now.”

#alpha!bakugou #alpha!bakugou x omega!reader #request #bnha x reader #bakugou x reader

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mysticalrambling · 3 years

Note

Hey there😄😄I hope you're doing fine....I love your fanfictionss just too much and *adorable addition* is just my top favorite atory of yours😍😍😍. Yesterday you said i could make a request too so i was wondering if you can take in a request??😅😅 which is a Steve Rogers x reader request, which I had in mind for a long long time...I have made this request to some authors before but some of them never responded or just weren't interested in writing it so you can too decline but hear me out please😅😅... Ok so here goes nothing....

**Steve and reader being in an arranged marriage and steve is very rude towards the reader and would blame her, that due to their marriage he is not with peggy and how she irritates him, but still the reader did sweet things for him, made him food, tried to make him happy and tried to make their marriage work...but one day when she has enough of all the hurt, she stop doing stuff for steve and starts ignoring him..and also steve sees that peggy didn't love him but only his status as Captain America and was happy with someone else..then he realises his mistake and felt bad for treating his wife poorly...he tries to make up things with her but she now ignores him...His team members berate him for ignoring his wife and he gets jealous seeing someone else making a move on her.....and now he has to work his ass off to win back his wife...And can you end it with a happy ending and can it be long also? please🥺🥺

Arrange Marriage (S.R)

A/N: Thank you so much lovely and I loved the plot line. I loved writing about it and I made a few additions to the story. Hope you like it and I am open to more requests.

Steve Rogers Fanfiction (Fanfiction Master List)

Summary: Steve and you are married because the government wants Captain America to be a family ma. Steve is not happy with the arrangement and thinks he is in love with Peggy. You try to make your marriage work but he insults you every chance he gets. However, everything works out eventually.

Warnings: Angst but eventual fluff.

._._._._.

"I prepared some dinner for you," You spoke out when you saw your husband rushing towards his room. That's right, his room. Even though you were married for about a month now, you have never been in the same room for more than ten minutes.

"I am not hungry." He was quick to dismiss you and went straight to his room. You just looked at the muddy footsteps that were the only evidence that Steve was here. He was on one of his missions with your dad, Nick Fury. Your step dad, actually, because he rescued you from one of hydra base camps when you were eight years old. Those times were something that you have repressed in your mind and you would never think about them.

A few tears escaped your eyes when you kept all of the untouched food in the fridge which you spent hours preparing. You understood that you were not your husband's first choice but you both had an obligation to try to make it work. But lately, it was like you were all alone in this relationship and you felt so worthless.

Wiping the tears away, you made your way to the master bedroom because you had enough. If years of therapy have taught you anything, it is that no one had the right to make you feel that way. "Come in!" His pissed off voice filtered through the door and you took a shaky breath before entering.

"Hi. I just wanted to say that I prepared all of your favorite food and you didn't even look at it." You spoke timidly.

"I told you I was not hungry." He said from the changing closet and came out in his sweats. Looking tired was something not new for Captain America now a days and everyone at work was also starting to notice the change. "Why are we pretending to be like a normal, married couple?"

"Why can't we be one? I am trying here." He looked anywhere but at you because he knew that he would see those damp eyes. That was enough to make him feel guilty and he wanted to prevent that.

"You know why. I am in love with Peggy." The most hurtful thing that your life partner can say to you and Steve just did without taking your feelings into account.

"Then you could have said something before we got married." Panic was slowly setting in because you realised that you were stuck in a marriage that is never going to work out.

"The whole government was pushing me towards this marriage and Peggy was still not ready for that kind of commitment. I was stuck with you." Steve knew that the statement hurt you the moment the words escaped his lips. This was a revelation that rocked your world. And not in a great way, might you add. "You could have rejected the proposal."

"Do you think it was that simple for me? Dad has done so much for me and this was the one thing that he asked off me so I did not refuse. I thought that you agreed to this marriage and we could work it out in the future." Those dreams were being crushed right now and you knew that this marriage was doomed. It was like a hit to your gut and you felt caged in this room with your husband.

"Well, we can not." Leaving the room, you went straight to bed and cried yourself to sleep because there was nothing else you could add to that conversation.

After sometime, Steve came out of his room and made his way towards the kitchen. Opening the fridge, he took out the food to heat it up and realised that you made all of his favorite food. He was never going to admit it but he loved your cooking. Every night he comes in to the kitchen to eat all the food that you prepared for him. However, he realised that you didn't eat any of the food so you probably went to bed hungry. The guilt was eating him up and he felt helpless because he wanted to think that he didn't care about you. But sometimes, you don't even realise when a person is warming their way into your heart.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" Steve was home today and you were going out of your mind with boredom so you thought of asking him for some company.

"I am not in the mood." He was quick to dismiss the idea and turned around in the hallway while still scrolling through his phone.

"I just thought-"

"You thought nothing. Why are you so clingy? I told you I do not want to work on this relationship. You are the reason that I can not be with the love of my life. Please just leave me alone.” He rudely interrupted you because he was not in the mood to interact with anyone. Seeing a picture of Peggy on instagram, he became aware of the fact that he could not be with her because he is a married man now.

Peggy Carter had been the first person that he saw when he woke up from the ice after 40 years. She helped him to become Captain America and she was the most important person in his eyes. Those few months were really difficult for Steve but she helped him get through them. Peggy quickly became his girlfriend and when the councilmen wanted him to get married, he was quick to propose. But she told him that she was not ready to take that step and she backed off. He was still pining over her and it was not fair to blame you for everything but he needed to do that to make himself feel better.

“I am sorry.”

“(Y/N)-” You left before he could say anything else. There is only so much a person can tolerate.

Over the course of a few days, Steve noticed that you were indeed leaving him alone. You were not there to welcome him home when he got back from his missions and give him a massage even after he told you not to. You did not cook from him anymore and he really missed it. He loved the fact that you always made his favorites and you never even had to ask him. You haven’t talked to him since the night he yelled at you. Guilt was an emotion that he often felt whenever he saw you.

“So there is a charity event that we both are invited too. It’s black tie optional.” He leaned against the door as he watched you doing laundry.

“Okay, I will be ready.” These were the only five words that you have said to him in the past two weeks and they were not enough. He has missed you and your conversations. The house was too quiet now a days and he didn’t like it one bit. But he was too stubborn to be the one to break the wall.

“You have to wear a dress. Many people will be watching you because you are Captain America’s wife so please do not go with your sense of style.” He wanted to slap himself in the face when he saw you freeze. Why couldn’t he just have said something nice to her? Steve didn’t know how to talk to you without messing it up.

“Okay.” Sighing, he left the room and sulked in his bedroom for the remaining day.

You were never going to say it out loud, but you were really hurt by what he said today and that day. None of it was your fault and you have been thinking about ending this marriage. However, the thing was that you made a commitment and you were never the one to back out from things. You quickly finished doing the laundry and went to take a shower.

“Are you ready?” Steve fixed his bow tie before you opened the room and he was left speechless. You in a red dress with a slit running through the side was a side of you that he had never seen. So bold and outgoing.

“Yes. Just let me quickly apply my lipstick.” Watching you apply a red lipstick left him in a trance. His wife was truly something unique but he just ignored it. Shaking himself out of it, he thought about Peggy and how he loves her. You both left afterwards and the car ride was quiet with the exception of a few stolen glances.

‘We have to go hand in hand and smile for the red carpet.”

“Okay.”

You were always a little scared to walk in to these kinds of events and so you tightly clutched on to your husband’s arm. Steve knew that you were a little bit of an introvert so he squeezed your hand in response.

“I am going to go meet some councilmen.”

“I’ll be by the bar.” Making your way towards the makeshift bar, you ordered a martini and just sat there mixing your drink. On the other hand, Steve made polite talk with the councilmen and then excused himself to the washroom. He heard someone mention his name on his way to the washroom and that piqued his interest.

“Come on, I was never in love with Steve. He was my assignment from the S.H.I.E.L.D and that was it. I had to help Captain America adjust to this life. I love you, Oliver and that is a fact.” Steve quickly left before he could hear anything else.

Honestly, he couldn’t believe that all those months spent with Peggy were just a lie and he was ruining his marriage because of her. He thought that it would hurt a lot but it was kind of a relief. He was now realising that he was never in love with her. It was kind of an obligation for him because he thought that he somehow owed it to Penny. But he didn’t and now he can finally give his marriage a fair try and not feel guilty about it.

“So what is a beautiful girl like you doing at a bar all alone?” Turning around, you saw Bucky with a smile adorning his face.

“Hi. It’s been such a long time since I last saw you.” You hugged your friend because he was one of the people that you were close to. You actually missed him in these past few months and were glad to see him right now. Getting in to a conversation was way easier than you thought.

“Hey Buck. What are you doing?” Your husband was quick to place his hands on the small of your back and you silently choked on his intimate gesture.

“I am fine, Stevie. Just catching up with (Y/N).”

“Oh okay. Would you mind if I take my wife to the dance floor?”

“No worries.” Silently taking you to the middle of the room, you both got to dancing and your breath hitched when he was so close to you right now. His cologne had taken over all your senses and you were drunk on him. God, it was pathetic but you could not help yourself.

“I want to try to work on our marriage.” You didn’t know if you were hearing things right now so you muttered a silent, “Come again.” He silently chuckled and repeated the sentence again. Looking at him, you stopped dancing and left the room.

“Why did you leave?” He found you at the balcony just staring at the stars with your hands wrapped around yourself. “It’s freezing.”

“Why? Why would you say something like that?” You whispered silently.

“I mean it. I want to try.”

“Don’t you love Peggy?”

“I have realised that I didn’t love her. It was like an obligation to me and I like you.”

“I can’t do this. You insulted me every chance you got and you made me think so low of myself.”

“I know and I am so sorry for that. I will spend my life apologising to you for it. Please, give me a chance.” There were some tears in your eyes and everything was becoming blurry.

“I can’t do that. I will always be your second choice.”

“No, you are not. Trust me, I have had feelings for you but I have been trying to repress them from the very start.” He tried to touch you but you took a step back.

“If we try this relationship thing out, will you promise me that you will tell me when you want to get out. We can get divorced right then and there.”

“I don’t want to be divorced and I will spend my life making it up to you.” He was quick to kiss you and it was way better than your wedding ceremony kiss. “I like you, (Y/N).”

“I like you too, Steve.” You went in to kiss him again and were glad that this marriage was going to work.

Hope you guys enjoyed it!!

._._._._.

A/N: I love Captain America and I was happy to write a fanfiction about him. If you guys have any more request, I will be happy to write about them and message me if you want to be added to the tag list.

Tag list: @kalopsia-flaneur, @justile

Like, comment and reblog.

._._._._.

508 notes · View notes

mittensmorgul · 3 years

Text

For anyone interested in long-term residence in the supernatural fandom, please have some observations I’ve made over the decade I’ve been here. Take it or leave it as you will, but I’ve found all of this info useful over the years I’ve been here.

I wrote this yesterday, and it achieved its mission of identifying the sort of folks who would react negatively to it (i.e. a lot of block lists have been updated), so now that it’s been edited for content, it’s going under a cut (because that is how we do things on tumblr in general, unless we have a deliberate purpose for annoying readers with excessively long text posts) for the sake of people who actually do care about the fandom and its history. If that’s not you or your reason for being here, then keep on keeping on with your own thing, I guess. For those who are interested, there’s a lot of fandom resources some of us have been building for years that you might enjoy knowing about.

First off, I’ve been informed by a few friends who’ve read through this for coherency’s sake that it sort of reads like a *shakes cane from porch* fandom grandma complaint, but honestly... I earned this rocking chair and goshdangit imma rock now. So apologies for any “back in my day” vibes or faint aroma of tiger balm this post might give off. Then again, it’s loosely based on a similar post from 2012 so like... time is a flat circle anyway I guess.

1. There is no such thing as “tumblr famous,” unless you’re referring to the hilarious and delightful fic of the same name (please go read it, you will cackle). Posting Hot Takes for imaginary Clout™ on this site is kind of pointless in the long run. Sure you can post solely for the sake of stirring shit and getting notes, but the majority of the folks who do aren’t long term residents of the fandom. They’re just tourists moving through our little beach town for spring break. If you’re actually intent on moving to this corner of the fandom for an extended stay, please bother to really feel out the permanent residents and understand the culture and general mood of the neighborhood. It bears no resemblance to whatever’s going on across town where all the bars and beach parities are happening, and those loud, drunken revelers are, again, gonna disappear back to their regular lives or on to the next party eventually. That doesn’t mean the fandom is dying, it’s just evolving.

(funny how I had several comments implying that I’m just trying to keep the fandom from evolving with this post, because I sincerely do want the fandom to continue on for years to come, and that is impossible without evolution. We can evolve without self-immolating, though. mostly i included point 1 for an excuse to push ancient but hilarious fanfic on you.)

2. Once you post something here, it’s been unleashed to the fandom winds. You never know where it will end up, or who will comment on it or add to it. Remember that time Misha tweeted the link to the Epic Cockles Love Story post? No? It was wild. That was 2012. They all know we’re here, and how to find us if they want to. Please don’t take it to their doorsteps.

Obviously if someone is being a dick on your posts, please feel free to block them, but the whole entire point of this site is to engage people with your posts. Being big mad that someone reblogged your post with comments or supporting evidence, or happy headcanons or “HECK THIS IS GREAT BECAUSE (insert personal story about their experience or whatever else made them Feel Things about your post)” is frankly ridiculous. If your goal is to avoid any sort of engagement with your posts, then maybe try instagram instead. From what I understand, there is a SPN fandom presence there, and nobody can tarnish your original posts with unwanted commentary. But the ability to reblog with additional commentary is a FEATURE of tumblr that builds community through conversation. Otherwise we’re all just talking to ourselves in a vacuum, and that’s what actually kills fandoms.

(and for the folks who just want to blog how they want to blog and don’t want people to engage on their posts at all, please feel free to block anyone you want, as well... nobody wants to step on your toes, but most of us also don’t want to walk on eggshells wondering if this post is one of the “do not add comments for any reason” sorts of posts, either. This is a huge fandom and most people can’t even begin to keep track of every creator and their url du jour, and what their personal rules might be regarding interaction with their content. Including a “please don’t add comments” note at the bottom of your posts-- and not in your tags that won’t even show up on reblogs, but in the actual body of the post-- would sincerely help avoid any awkward or unwanted interactions, too. At the end of the day, you are in control of your own fandom experience and the block button exists.

For the record, I block zero fandom blogs (which is why I posted this, I wanted it to reach a wide scope... refer to the opening paragraphs as to why).

3. Since this post was partly inspired by a tag I left on that post going around about how “previous tags” mean fuckall on this site (which you can read here), just a reminder that if you like someone’s tags or feel they add value to the post, part of the Peer Review structure of tumblr encourages you to PASTE THEM INTO A REBLOG. If you do this, then at least credit the person who actually wrote the tags! Don’t just copy someone else’s tags into your tags on your reblog of the post without credit either. They were not YOUR tags. (I have had this happen to tag rambles I wrote and someone else got credited with them on a subsequent reblog and it is FRUSTRATING). Just... don’t even bother to write “previous tags” because WHAT PREVIOUS TAGS?! Nobody is gonna bother to chase back the chain of reblogs trying to find where the mystery tags came from, friendos. That way lies madness.

(for the record, since some folks seemed to focus on this point solely, writing “previous tags” on a post isn’t inherently a BAD thing, but for anyone who actually is here for more than one-off shitposting, then it’s sort of a pointless thing in the long run. This wasn’t intended to suggest people who ARE here for one-off shitposting are bad or “doing it wrong,” but for people who might actually want to preserve that hilarious joke or insightful comment. People delete posts and entire blogs all the time around here. Links break. I get that the upcoming generation just shrugs at that and moves on with their lives, but heck... you don’t have to accept that all entertainment is disposable if you don’t want to. There’s a bizarre sort of nihilism plaguing us all about the impermanence of pretty much everything that feels like something we should be fighting against rather than buying into wholesale, even in our escapist entertainment. I’m just exhausted by the complete loss of joy in community.

*shouts from the peanut gallery* IT AIN’T THAT DEEP, JUST GET SOME FRESH AIR AND LOOK AT A PUPPY OR SOMETHING

Yes... yes it isn’t really that deep, but bigger picture in the state of reality we’re all entirely disillusioned with, are we supposed to just give up on everything, including the things we cling to because they bring us a tiny spark of hope that we’re not all just trapped in this dystopian nightmare and things might actually be worth living for?

*peanut gallery clinging to burnt husks of peanuts in a barren peanut field* but this is how we have chosen to cope

Okay... you do you... I feel bad for you but if that’s the case then this post is NOT FOR YOU. AND THAT’S FINE. I honestly do not care if you don’t care! I mean, I’m sorry anyone has to live in a world that drives them to that mindset, but I understand. This post is for anyone who might look at their lives and their choices and think “no wait, I unironically enjoy this and want more from the experience of that enjoyment than I’m currently feeling.” Everyone else can continue with their lives as usual.)

4. CONTENT THEFT IS NEVER OKAY. PERIOD. Things like “credit to the artist” or tagging gifs or images you found on pinterest as “not mine” isn’t actually credit. If you can’t source an image or gif set, DO NOT POST IT! We don’t REPOST (i.e. save an image and then create a new post with it as if it was our own creation). We REBLOG (click the little square arrows and reblog from the actual creator). That goes for gif sets, fanvids, screencaps, meta, fic... everything.

(hopefully everyone here already understands this one, but I felt compelled to include some “these are stupidly obvious” reminders anyway, since this is ostensibly some sort of advice column. This is the equivalent of the warning label on your toaster reminding you not to use it in the bath. Like... duh...)

5. Close kin of item 4 is SOURCE YOUR SHIT.

(for 100% disclosure purposes, I specifically discussed this one in this specific way because of an influx of anon ask messages I received in the wake of the finale. Literally the inciting incident for creating this entire post was what I can only assume was a joking ask about a comment Misha made at a con years ago. Someone actually bothered to take the time to type out those sentences to me. I have no idea what they were expecting in reply, or what could possibly motivate them to send this comment about something so entirely random from, again, several years ago. Just a joke? No idea, but whatever... it got me thinking that there might actually be people who are new to the fandom who MIGHT actually care about the fandom history, and maybe they just don’t know where to go for that info, or how to even begin searching through 16 years of history for things they might actually find enjoyment in, rather than just hauling random out of context garbage out on main and pointing and laughing about it now. People are actually allowed to care about things. It’s not cringeworthy to actually care about things, and you are not alone in actually caring, and there’s this whole big room over here full of people who are thrilled to share in that with you. This post is intended FOR THOSE PEOPLE SPECIFICALLY, so if that is not you, please just continue walking by.)

Yes, I know lots of y’all are new around here right now, but dredging up stuff from years ago that fandom has completely debunked and presenting it as TRU FAX again is just exhausting. We’re not trying to be party poopers, but seriously, we have seen it all and are mostly done with extinguishing bags of flaming dog poop on our front porches for the umpteenth year in a row. I’ve seen a lot of posts that have the same tone as “I saw Goody Proctor dancing with the devil” or “I heard kylo ren has an eight pack” and just... the information is there for anyone who cares enough to find it.

This goes double for “why is nobody talking about this thing I just discovered while watching the show for the first time?!” And, oh hon, we have talked it all into the ground over the last fifteen years. We’re happy you’re discovering it again, but I promise we talked about it plenty when the episodes originally aired. We have such a rich meta history that lots of us have worked really hard to preserve. I encourage you to seek it out, if nothing else than as historical artifacts. The way we have discussed the show has been a 16-year evolution. People have written literal doctoral dissertations on this show. Your shitposts are fun! We love reliving our own experience through fresh eyes, and seeing your wonder at experiencing it all again for the first time! But y’all didn’t invent this fandom in the last six months, either.

Meta Sources and Minerals provided by our friendly neighborhood fandom archivist, @lets-steal-an-archive

Academic books and articles about SPN

A collection of Meta Essays going back to s1 and organized by topic (all of this has happened before, all of it will happen again)

SPN Heavy Meta Archive (s1-3)

Mel’s Dreamwidth archive of meta (s1-12)

Oranges8hands Dreamwidth archive of meta (s1-15, with many similar entries to Mel’s... though ymmv on viewpoint in a lot of these too)

Anyone remember Fandom Wank? Not the concept but the actual LJ... No? Okay have a link to SPN topics that ended up there. Through 2013. We have seen so much... including several fandom containment breaches.

for all your art sourcing needs, please see @theroadsofararchive, the repository for so much fandom art.

need to find a gif of something? canonspngifs is a vast repository of gifsets of the entire series. If the gif you want to use in your post happens to be the first gif in the gifset, in the tumblr gif finder thingy just paste the permalink to that post from canonspngifs (which is easily searchable by episode, character, location, situation, quotes, and sometimes even color and clothing items the actors are wearing... it’s really well organized, especially for tumblr >.>) and the first gif will be automatically linked with credit to the gif creator attached. It makes life easy that way. It’s also convenient when trying to remember something specific but can’t remember what episode it’s from. I’ve used the site to jog my memory before going to the superwiki armed with more specific search results to find episode quotes and references. Or sometimes I just scroll through all the nice gifs for fun, too.

Need a screencap of something and know exactly which episode it’s from? Try Home of the Nutty. You might not find the exact screencap you’re looking for, but they have a complete set of caps of every episode, and it’s an incredibly useful resource for quick reference checks and the like. Just give pages a chance to fully load before clicking on the next one. The site is easily overloaded, but it’s still free to use (and again, with credit... Pretty much every screencap on my entire blog is from HotN unless otherwise credited).

As you can see, this is a fandom built on preserving our history. You absolutely are not required to engage with any of this if that’s not of interest to you, but I can only assume that there are people who would be interested in it if only they knew it existed and how to find it. Well, now they do.

6. A few more notes on tags, and how they work on tumblr. The first 20 tags on your ORIGINAL posts are searchable sitewide, so if you want to be able to find something again, tag that thing first before going on general tag rambles. The only place tags on reblogs are searchable is on your own blog. So you don’t have to put 50 tags trying to get a post seen if it’s a reblog. You’re just spitting into the wind at that point. If you have a filing system for finding things again, then by all means add those tags (again, in the first 20, so they’re searchable), but you don’t need to tag a reblog “destiel” and “deancas” and “dean” and “cas” and “dean x cas” or whatever. Pick one for your personal blog’s filing system, that’s all you need.

(this was only added because tagging and searching on this site is so very broken... I get that a lot of folks don’t care about ever searching their own blogs again for anything, so this one only really applies if you do often find yourself trying to find old posts. If not, then it’s not really relevant. It took me years to work out a decent tagging system, and at the beginning of my time here I never thought I’d end up camping out here for a decade and falling this deep into the fandom, and I regretted my lack of consistent tags only years later when I realized I actually wanted to be able to go back and find specific old posts again. So... for anyone who wants to err on the side of caution, working out a sensible tagging system really helps if you’re here for the long term. I personally tag content by episode, because some of my other general tags are so large as to be practically useless as a search term. But whatever system you choose to file stuff on your own blog, it really only has to make sense to you. And again, if this is pointless advice for someone who has no intention of settling here for the long term. Please feel free to ignore it. I just wish someone had explained it this way to me ten years ago and saved me the hassle of retroactively tagging something like 30k posts... especially now that using the mass tag replacer is the fastest way to get your entire blog deleted... oops? so yeah, don’t use the mass tag replacer either >.>)

7. Tags on Tumblr DO NOT WORK LIKE TAGS ON TWITTER. If you @ someone in the body of the post, it will show up in their notifications (if they’re the sort of person who even checks their notifications... not all of us do. For the record, I generally don’t...), but putting actor or ship names in the tags on a tumblr post does absolutely nothing. It’s not the same as tagging the actor’s twitter account in a tweet. Nobody’s getting notifications about you tagging a post about Jensen here as “Jensen Ackles.” There is a difference. Please learn it. (and don’t take headcanons and ESPECIALLY RPF or otherwise explicit art or fic from tumblr to twitter and tag the actors in it. That’s just... not okay.)

(I have seen the pearl clutchers getting all in a huff about the mere existence of RPF or even explicit content of fictional characters if it doesn’t meet their purity standards, but tagging those things allows people who don’t want to see it to actively avoid that content here. Nobody has a right to tell people their fictional content shouldn’t exist at all, or that creators of that fictional content somehow deserve harassment or threats for having dared to create such “immoral” content, won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children... and no... you do not do that here. Don’t be the problematic behavior you wish to ban from the world. Learn to use tags to protect yourself from, as i have attempted to emphasize here, fictional content you are personally upset by. That’s a you problem, not a problem for the creators of potentially upsetting content that they tag appropriately for.)

8. General formatting stuff: If you’re writing long text posts, visually break them up so people aren’t faced with one long wall of text. The enter key is your friend. Also, if you put long text posts under a Read More break and send people to your blog to finish reading, please ensure that your blog is actually visually accessible (tiny text, or light grey text on a dark grey background, or a visually busy background might be aesthetically pleasing to you but nobody can actually read it. Loads of folks won’t even try. Which is great if you don’t actually care whether people are able to appreciate your content or not, but something to at least consider if you *do* actively want to encourage engagement with your work. Confirm how your blog looks on both mobile and desktop and make sure it’s actually functional in both, too).

And since I mentioned that most of my experience on fandom tumblr has been in the SPN fandom, here’s a bit of a reminder for folks who are new around here. With the reminder that I have been here more than a decade and still feel like a newbie myself sometimes...

This is an OLD FANDOM. There are many, many people who have been at this longer than some of you have been alive. The average age for creators in this fandom is older than you think (I think of my friends in their 30′s as young’ins okay? okay). With that understood, you are responsible for the content you consume and are exposed to. Curate your experience. Ship and let ship. YKINMKATOK. Don’t deliberately expose yourself to content you find upsetting for whatever reason. Tags and warnings are your friends, not targets for you to attack in some sort of purity war. People will ship things you do not like (or in specific ways you do not like), will say things you do not agree with, and will find their happiness in things you abhor. That is not your concern. Find what you do like, and support and engage with it, and ignore (or block, or unfollow) the rest. Tumblr has a feature that lets you blacklist tags so the content you’re trying to avoid won’t appear on your dash.

Remember the paradox of tolerance.

It is not your job in fandom to police how other people enjoy the fandom. It’s not *my* job to police how *you* enjoy the fandom, UNLESS your enjoyment is in actively harming other real human beings in the fandom. If you don’t like their take on the character or the show or the plotlines or their ships or anything else, you don’t need to engage with their posts at all! The necessary corollary to this is that clarifying misunderstandings or correcting factual misinformation is not “policing.”

(this is where the peanut gallery reminds me it ain’t that deep, and I plead with them to put down the social media and find just one (1) thing to actually believe in in this godforsaken life, find something other than disdain and cynicism and spite to live for. If those things motivate you to find a larger cause for yourself, then great, use them to your advantage, but use them to find something that makes you a better person or brings you a modicum of joy and connection to your fellow human beings despite living in a dystopian hellscape of a world)

I have seen a lot of posts lately that are founded on the sort of authority that comes with “I watched through tumblr for a few months and then watched the last three episodes of the series” and as such are just... missing the larger context of the entire show, and are unfounded entirely in canon. I 100% appreciate the new enthusiasm for the fandom that we’ve been living in here for years, and it’s wonderful to see new people enjoying the thing we love. Your headcanons are valid, you are valid, but recognize that your headcanons aren’t canon. All of us finale denialists have accepted this in some measure, so we feel you. We truly, truly feel you. But regarding actual canon, we have a resource for that: the Superwiki. Learn it, live it, love it, as Metatron would say.

(which you could discover he said in 10.17 Inside Man, thanks to the superwiki! accept no substitutes!)

(and again, there have been people who have been involved in fandom for years who haven’t engaged with canon in years, either! You can play in this universe however you choose, BUT FOR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT CANON AT ALL, WHICH I AM AGAIN POINTEDLY SAYING MIGHT NOT BE YOU, READER, AND I’M NOT SUGGESTING YOU ARE WRONG FOR NOT WANTING TO ACTUALLY ENGAGE WITH CANON, but if you DO want to engage with canon, please have some useful resources. Why do people feel personally attacked by being presented a list of helpful resources? Absolutely baffling.)

(also: words have definitions. “Canon” is a specific thing, meaning in this case “the finished media product that aired on television.” Anything beyond those limits is secondary canon (think: john’s journal, which is not canon but canon adjacent at best...), word of god (i.e stuff said by the writers and showrunners), or headcanon (which includes actor commentary-- they may have helped create the show with their acting choices and whatever, but they are not in control of the story overall). If there’s something you dislike about actual canon, you can reject it and supplement it with your own theories or preferred outcomes-- that’s basically what fanfic is-- but that doesn’t make your theories canon (much to all our dismay, that’s just not how any of this works. This is not to invalidate how anyone engages with the show or the fandom, just trying to clarify what seems to have been a source of unintentional misunderstandings. Your theories do not have to be “canon” to be legitimate interpretations.)

***I am setting this section apart, and did make a separate post of just this following information, because this is where we go from being relatively chill about different parts of fandom choosing to interact in different ways and you do you and blog however you want, to “hey can everybody please understand that the way you are interacting with this specific material might be harmful for specific legal reasons, and stating that you do not care about the consequences of your actions does actively make you the asshole here...” Okay, now that we have that understood:

The spnscripthunt collective has been steadily acquiring new scripts (which are posted in full on the superwiki for everyone to enjoy, for free). The language around how some folks are talking about these scripts is... concerning. For very real legal reasons, actually, and not because we’re feeling precious about the collection and don’t wike it when meanies use them in shitposts.

-First off, these scripts are not “leaks.” They are all verified and legally purchased (or gifted, in some cases, but still acquired entirely above board. we didn’t whack anyone over the head in a back alley for these scripts, or swipe them out of someone’s trailer on set).

(in case anyone was unaware, these scripts are the copywritten protected property of Warner Brothers. So yes, how we use them and share them with the fandom could have legal repercussions. We present them as a collected resource of fandom history which SHOULD fall under Fair Use doctrine, but this is untested legal water. Insinuating that the scripts are somehow not entirely legally obtained, or that posting them for public access involved less than 100% transparent and entirely legal transactions is incredibly concerning.

Once again for the peanut gallery, if you don’t care about any of that and are just having a good time with it, at least be mindful of the work and expense a large group of people have gone through to acquire and present the content you’re all too eager to exploit for cheap thrills. Some of us do actually care and are not exactly comfortable with the fact that others don’t seem to care about burning it all to the ground. We can’t force you to listen or behave as we’d hope you might, but at least be aware of the potential consequences of your actions. All we’re asking is for you to not be the douchebag who sets the whole neighborhood on fire with your illegal fireworks display. Is that too much to ask for? more on that in a second, first... a psa)

-If you see a script for sale and are unsure if it’s legit (or believe it might already be freely available in our collection), please feel free to ask us for advice. Our goal is to make as much of our fandom history available to the entire fandom, and we absolutely do not want anyone shelling out money for stuff you can already find for free.

(seriously, we’ve seen a bunch of resellers cropping up selling printed versions of the scripts we bought and uploaded for everyone to enjoy free of charge, or scripts that are otherwise of dubious origin. We’ve been at this for years now and know what’s actually out there. We don’t want anyone to fall for a scam if we can help it)

-Also, the usual reminder that the scripts we acquire ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE FINAL SHOOTING DRAFTS. In fact, the majority of scripts in our collection are NOT. Changes are made daily to scripts, even during filming. Comparing a Production Draft (white pages, effectively the first “final draft” of what usually becomes a series of drafts before filming wraps) to a much later revision (say... green or goldenrod revisions, several of which we DO have in our collection for comparison) and how those earlier drafts often differ wildly from the aired version versus how similar a much later green draft is to the aired version, for example, can teach you a lot about the television writing process. The link above to the superwiki scripts page has a nice little explainer about how this process works.

Differences between our posted scripts (many of which are white drafts, aka FIRST complete drafts, which will likely go through multiple rounds of revisions before filming even begins) and the aired version of the show are not all “acting choices” or a director or editor just cutting whole scenes on a whim. It’s insulting to everyone involved in production to suggest that’s the case.

(and yeah, fine... whatever, make any sort of posts you like regarding how those changes came about, but at the very least understand that it’s not actually the truth about how any of this works. Don’t care that that’s not the truth and want to make the posts anyway because shitposting is fun and that’s the extent of your sense of humor? FINE! You’re entitled to do that! But at least you DO know the truth now, and hopefully so do the people who engage with your posts. Deliberate ignorance isn’t cute, smooth lions notwithstanding)

There’s probably a whole other post to be made on fandom tagging etiquette, but again I don’t really use the tags enough to know what’s going on with that whole situation. I’ve also probably left a lot of stuff out, so please feel free to add things I’ve overlooked.

Thanks also to @trisscar368 and @thayerkerbasy for help compiling this, too. They were kind enough to escort me through the park to feed these pigeons. Now I need to take them out for ice cream. :’D

So I guess welcome to the neighborhood. Make yourself at home, but like... try not to trash the place while you’re here. Some of us live here by choice, lol.

#this blue hellsite (affectionate)#fandom problems #kinda wish i'd made this post six months ago but here we are i guess lol #long post #now edited for the people who are actually personally invested in the fandom #thanks for participating in this little experiment and I hope this version is actually informative to those who are interested #meaning there's a lot more links to stuff and explainers and whatnot...#and one last reminder that for folks just swinging through for laughs absolutely none of this applies to you #if you are legit interested in fandom history and preservation as we move to the post-canon world then hopefully this is useful to you

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dollslayer · 3 years

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For the drabble challenge: Bucky Barnes / He took the last treadmill

Gains

Bucky Barnes x Reader, No Powers AU Summary: Bucky Barnes has stolen the last treadmill and with it, the last shred of your patience. W/C: 2k Warnings: Smut, swearing, semi-public sex, unprotected sex A/N: I wrote this for @syntheticavenger's 5k How it started/How it's going celebration/challenge!! I know it's been a minute since I've written anything but if you liked this please comment/reblog! Main Masterlist

How it started -

You heaved a heavy sigh as you finally got into your car. Looking at the clock on your dashboard you noticed it was nearly 11pm. You were fresh off of a late night at the office that ended with you being chewed out in the boardroom for someone else’s mistakes and desperately needed to release all your pent up rage. You can’t run away from your problems but you can damn well try at the gym.

You reached for the door but before you could reach it a large hand was pulling the handle and holding the door for you. The hand lead to a thick forearm with veins trailing up to perfectly sculpted biceps. You peered up at the owner of the sculpted arm and found it belonged to maybe the most gorgeous man you’ve ever seen. He has crystal blue eyes and pillowy lips curved slightly into a grin. Strands of shoulder length hair are falling out of the small bun he’s tied it into and into his face.

You didn’t realize you’d stopped midstep, leaving him waiting on you to walk through the entryway. Quickly looking away with a huff of small embarrassment you muster a small thank you and pick up the pace towards the locker rooms. You were suddenly feeling nervous at the realization that you’d have to work out in front of him but the thought of him in less clothing was appealing enough to distract you.

You’d figured given the hour that the gym wouldn’t be so busy but looking around it was teeming with activity. As if your day couldn’t be any more annoying, one lone treadmill stood open so you hustled to the locker rooms to change so you could claim it.

Just as you were about to put your phone in your locker and head out you were bombarded by a slew of work emails, making you furious all over again. Anger refueled, you set off with new determination for the treadmill. Just as you were about to enter the main gym area the same guy that held the door open for you was headed in the same direction. Smiling, you held the door open for him this time with a small laugh, which he thanked you for before bounding off.

His huge stride was heading in a direction that was giving you a bad feeling. You tried to fastwalk past him, hoping that you could beat him there but before you could touch the rails he was stepping onto the last fucking treadmill. You came to a stop with a look of disbelief and he looked over his shoulder and smirked at you.

“Somethin’ wrong, doll?”

“No,” you scoffed before walking away towards the ellipticals.

With the state of your temper right now you didn’t trust yourself not to blow up on him. You tell yourself that the gym asks people to only use equipment for a certain amount of time, someone’s bound to get off soon. You were breaking a sweat but it wasn’t really releasing all the built up tension you had like running would. Glancing over you spy one open treadmill, but of fucking course the only one open is next to him.

Heaving a sigh you turn up your music and step up to the treadmill intent on ignoring him. His head turns slightly towards you and out of the corner of your eye you spy a smirk. You roll your eyes and up the pace, hoping to block out the rest of the world for a bit.

You let yourself get lost in the workout and finally felt some of your frustrations melt away. When you’d reached your limit and got off you looked around and realized that the man was gone, so was most everyone else. Checking the time you noted it was nearly 2 AM and you figured you’d better call it a night if you were ever going to deal with the shit show that awaited you tomorrow morning at the office.

Walking back to the locker rooms the man from earlier was passing you on his way out and gave you a mischievous grin.

“I steal your treadmill back there, doll?” He asks playfully.

“Don’t let it happen again” You say jokingly with a small smile, still slightly annoyed.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” He chuckles, “Have a good night.”

You wish him a good night as he walks on past you, notes of his body wash hitting your senses. As annoyed as you’d been you definitely wouldn’t mind running into him again.

Another week or so had gone by and another fiasco at work had erupted. You weren’t sure how much more of it you could take but you’d made a habit of running at the gym whenever shit went down at work. You’d yet to run into the handsome stranger again but he’d probably just distract you anyway so it was for the better.

You’d opted for lifting light weights and in doing so, you’d completely missed Man Bun just across the room. You’d forgotten that you wanted to run. You got up and turned towards the treadmills. You had stepped forward just in time for Man Bun to take the last. Fucking. Treadmill. Again. Your jaw actually dropped a little and didn’t try to conceal your scoff.

“Come on!” you even stamped your foot a little. After the time you’ve been having at work all you’d wanted was to let off some steam but here he was again with his cocky attitude treating it like a joke.

He actually stopped the treadmill and turned around, a toothy grin proudly on display.

“I did it again, didn’t I? Don’t worry I’m sure someone else will be off soon”

How it’s going -

Your back met the cold tiles of the shower as he pushed you back with a harsh kiss. His lips caught yours, stealing your moans as his large calloused hands ran their way down your curves. You focused your efforts on pushing down his sweats, his cock springing free from its confines.

“No underwear? How presumptuous” You ask against his lips with a smile.

“What can I say? I was feeling lucky”

He hooked his fingers in your leggings and pulled them down. You hastily stepped out of them and worked to remove your top, leaving you in only a sports bra and your panties. He paused for a second before taking your panties in his fist and snapping them in one go. You gasped, slightly shocked but it just turned you on further.

He was to the point in what he wanted, his fingers finding your core and sinking right in. Your moan turned into a whimper as he curled his fingers inside you, hitting you right in your G-spot. You were feeling small under him, his perfectly toned chest proudly on display and his biceps bulging as he pumped his fingers in and out of you.

The pleasure you were feeling in this moment had you in disbelief that you’d ever been hesitant of him when he cornered you earlier.

By the time you’d finally gotten done with your run you’d realized everyone had petered out, even Man Bun. You reckoned it was time for you to head out too. It was kind of eerie being alone in the gym so you wanted to shower and get out as quickly as possible.

As you were about to push the door open a familiar, large hand covered yours. You could feel his body heat and smell whatever soap he’d used, that’s how close he was. You turned around and he kept his arm outstretched past you, you were practically in his arms.

Your eyes met his and you let out a shaky breath, you weren’t really sure what to make of the expression on his face. You raised your eyebrows in waiting.

“Just wanted to apologize, for takin’ your treadmill and all. Seems to be a habit of mine, huh?”

“I’m starting to think you meant to.”

“I gotta admit, I saw you gunnin’ for that treadmill and I wanted to beat you there. What do you say I make it up to you?”

He was definitely making it up to you now. He was a man on a mission, pressing his palm firmly against your clit and working against your spot, trying desperately to get you to cum. You couldn’t do anything but cling desperately to his shoulders. Your cries were getting louder as he brought you closer and closer to the edge. You finally snapped and came with a shout before nearly slumping against him. His arms caught you and he laughed a little to himself.

“So fuckin’ good for me, you’re gonna take me so well.” He pressed a sloppy kiss to your temple as you tried to get your bearings. You reached down to grab his cock in your hands, he was rock hard and you wanted nothing more than to run your tongue along them.

You shakily began to sink down to your knees but a strong hand grasped you by the shoulders and pulled you up before you could.

“Just wanna feel you” He breathed out before pressing a kiss to your lips.

It was your turn to smirk at him, slowly standing up to your full height. He kissed you again as his large hands grabbed your breasts one at a time, toying with your nipples and making you whimper just slightly. You could feel his cock hard against your thigh and decided you needed him now.

You lifted your thigh up over his hip, which he was all too eager to hold while you grabbed him and positioned him at your entrance. His other hand grasped your hip and he thrusted into you with determination, causing you to let out an obscene moan. He was hitting you so deeply and when he began moving you swore you couldn’t take him.

He hooked one arm under your leg as he pistoned in and out of you at a pace you weren’t quite ready for but you’d reveled in the feeling of. He was hitting you deeper than you’d ever thought possible by anyone else you’d had before.

“Shit,” He huffed, “Gonna fuck you stupid?”

You could only whimper in response as he did just that. He wasn’t holding anything back as he thrust into you over and over. You were quickly becoming overwhelmed but in the best way possible. You couldn’t help the noises that came out of you, couldn’t help the begging for him to continue.

As he pistoned in and out of you while keeping a vice grip on your leg you let out the most wanton little mewls, only spurring him on further. He was dragging every inch of him out of you and then slamming it back in, all the while his thumb toying with your clit. You weren’t sure how much longer you could hold out and you couldn’t tell what was more exciting, the thought of him ruining you or the realization that anyone could walk in and see you two. Right now you didn’t care so long as he kept at it.

You tugged at his tresses, pulling them loose from the low bun they hung in, eliciting grunts and groans from him. You latched your mouth onto his neck and found his sweet spot, sucking a deep bruise into it.

“Fuck, babydoll, I don’t know how much longer I can hold out”

“Then don’t”

That was all the motivation it took for him to slam into you at full force, his fingers working double time to help you reach your high once more. You thought you couldn’t take anymore as he slammed into you harder than he had and bit harshly into your neck as he spilled himself inside of you with one final thrust.

You cried out as you came around him, feeling your pussy pulse in waves as you registered the aftershocks. You leaned your head back against the tiles while you tried to catch your breath, vaguely hearing his own sighs. Finally feeling up to sorts, you looked up at him only to find his hazy blue eyes boring into yours. A part of you can’t believe you’d done such a thing in public with a man who was practically a stranger but the other part was just as turned on by the fact.

“Think I’ve given enough penance for you, doll?”

“Not even close.”

#synths5kfollowerchallenge #bucky barns x reader #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes au #marvel au #marvel fic #marvel x reader #no powers au #smut

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