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danielxricciardo · 3 years

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Can you do one with Max, with 46 and 55 from angst list?

Summary: You are suffering from depression and Max tries to be by your side

Warnings: angst, swearing, mentions of suicide, depression

Word count: 3.6k+

46. “I’ll leave, and the world will move on. I just wish I could see it. See how much better everything is when I’m gone.”

55. “You’re good at finding things. Find me a reason to stay.”

Depression feels like a lot of things.

It feels like sadness, which is what everyone will tell you. It's a pretty common thread.

"I'm worthless."

"Everyone thinks I'm a horrible burden."

So on and so forth.

Everyone in the world is happy but you, and in the end, you are a worthless piece of shit that doesn't belong in this otherwise glorious and happy place. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you are lying there on your bed in the same unlaundered pair of pajamas, wondering why you are even allowed to keep living any longer. Some meteor strikes or lightning bolts should be reserved for people like you because you are taking up space and oxygen and food and other resources that real, happy, productive people need.

It feels like emptiness. You have all these possibilities and none of them seem interesting. You could do some art, or play some music, but that just doesn't feel right. There's no joy in it. You could have sex with your significant other, but you can't muster up the desire. You could play video games, or read a book. But what's the point? There's no real benefit to all of it but passing the time. You could get up and make lunch. But no, you're not that hungry, and if you close your eyes, time will pass a little faster. You can lie there. That works. It doesn't require active effort to do something fruitless. Everything is as empty and fruitless as lying and staring out your window at the clouds and the shifting shadows of tree branches, and so why do anything else?

It feels like fatigue. Standing up out of your bed requires the same amount of bodily effort as climbing several flights of stairs. Managing to get dressed and walk outside is like running a race. Heaven helps you if you try to go to the store or a friend's house -- that may as well be on the other side of the continent. Every step is heavy. Every muscle motion requires ten times the work it used to. Exercise becomes difficult, and control over your body expires quickly. You become clumsier, so heavy lifting is right out. You daze out randomly, daydreaming, even dozing, so biking or running is hard. You feel most at home when you are entirely relaxed, so you lie down...and don't get up again until something like your bladder compels you.

It feels like a loss of control. You have no idea why your brain and body are doing this. You don't want to feel sad. Nobody wants to feel shitty and tired and empty all the time. People will look at you and say, "It's like you don't want to get better." Those people are idiots. You truly, deeply, from the bottom of your soul, have no idea why this has happened or what to do. It's not logical. It makes no sense. You woke up like this, or it crept in overtime or something like that. It's like a fog, a force of nature that sweeps in, occludes everything, and there's not one thing you can do about it from where you stand. Trying feels like taking a paper fan outside and trying to blow away the morning mist. Someone has tied puppet strings to your brain and is playing this hideous dance with it, and you don't have the scissors to cut them away. The dance doesn't make sense; it's arbitrary and rhythmless. If you had any sort of reasoning behind it, you could take control. But you don't.

It feels like desperation. You can't find a way out. You lie there at night, keening into your pillow like a wounded animal, making all sorts of noises that no human being should be able to make. You claw and scratch at the sheets, or at yourself, as the pain wrings itself out through bodily expression. The tears won't stop. You don't know why. All you know is that it hurts, it really and truly hurts, and you think if it goes on any longer, you're going to die. Right there. Bleed out on the floor. So you grab up your phone, and you call someone at 4 AM, and you beg them to please just make it stop. You bury yourself in books and movies because at least then you can imagine something else than yourself. You read nonstop. You have to have your fix. It's like an addiction, no, more like a life support machine. Otherworlds, fantasies of happiness, and real experiences that aren't your horrible existence become the iron lung keeping air flowing in and out. You are alive because you can stop thinking for a while. Your friends come over to comfort you. Their stories keep you sane and well, like dialysis for all the toxins in you. Your mind has failed at being independent, and now it relies on a thousand little machines to keep itself running. You rely on one machine until another comes to save you. You read books until your friends come by. You stretch out your time with friends until you have to bury yourself in a movie again just to keep the thought of real-life away.

It feels like untamed anger. Your friends can't keep this up forever. You fall further and further, and you eventually start dropping commitments. You have become That Person, the flake that everyone knows will back out. People start getting annoyed at you, annoyed at how they have to spend so much time just keeping you afloat, annoyed at how often you're causing them trouble by constantly disappearing and backing out of appointments, and so on. Your workplace gets annoyed at your lack of productivity. And then you can't take it anymore, and you want to scream at them, grab them by the throat and shake them because IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! You start having twisted fantasies, the ones where you walk up to that person who keeps telling you he can't do this anymore, you're just too unreliable, putting a gun to your head and pulling the trigger. Just to make him know, for once, that FUCK HIM, your problems are REAL, DAMMIT, REAL, and he better FUCKING RESPECT that. And when you're gone, he'll fall to his knees and cry, and he'll say, he wishes he had understood, that he didn't mean to be so unkind, and the scar on his heart from his own failure will remain fresh and knotted for eternity. And then you shake yourself out of the daydream, and you wonder why you have turned into such a horrible person, someone who even considers ending their own life just to spite another human being. Then it creeps back in, the knowledge that the world is getting fed up with you...and the cycle begins again. You start thriving off these daydreams, because at the very least if you can't be happy, you can throw caution to the wind and get the petty, oddly satisfying revenge buried under all those layers of morality that are becoming worn and flaking away. It's just a fantasy, right? And it helps pass the time...

It feels like forever. You have forgotten what it's like to truly be joyful. You can imagine it, but it's not really you in those thoughts. This is who you are. This is your life. This is you.

It feels like you have only one thing truly under your power: your existence. You cannot choose what life throws at you. Your brain and body have betrayed you. Your friends have worn away, and you've fled from your job and any commitments you have.

It feels empowering. You can jump whenever you want.

But he accepted you the way you are. He never reproached you for negatively influencing his mentality or life, even though you knew he felt it too. He always listened to you, he was with you even at 2 in the morning when you were crying on the bathroom floor with your knees to your chest, and you knew it wasn't right. It wasn't right for him to go through, basically, what you were going through. But no matter how much you told him you could do it without his help, Max was coming back more insistently than ever.

He came up with the idea to start therapy. "You have to find out why you feel this way. Go at least once, see how it is, if you don't like it or feel that it doesn't help you, you will give up, okay?" That was a year and a half ago.

The psychologist gave you a diagnosis from the first session: Major Depressive Disorder. Sure you knew what the three words meant, but you didn't know what it meant to have a label on your condition.

"A major depressive disorder is characterized by one or more of these depressive episodes. the diagnosis of major depressive disorder requires depressed mood or anhedonia which is the loss of interest in pleasure and five or more signs or symptoms for the SIGECAPS mnemonic for a 2-week period. (SIGECAPS) Sleep Disturbance, loss of Interest, feeling Guilty, feeling fatigued and low in Energy, having decreased Concentration, decreased or increased Appetite and been agitated and slow and having Suicidal ideation."

It sounds incredible to you. Suicidal thoughts? Not everyone has a thought, somewhere, behind their mind 'What if I disappeared?'

You were prescribed Prozac and Zoloft and it helped. You weren't always sad anymore, you could go to the races with Max and support him as a normal girlfriend does. You apologized to my friends who tried to help me and whose lives you made impossible and you managed to get back to work, from home anyway. Sure, you still had moments when you felt like you weren't 100% yourself but not like before. You did therapy twice a week and the psychologist was happy with your evolution.

But being the stupid ass that you are, you stopped taking the medication. You took the last pill on Friday. Because you were fine. You felt ok, everyone around you told you you were better, you were doing amazing, so you were cured, right? Or so you thought. Saturday was normal. Sunday was not. Your mood and energy were very low. You woke up at like 2 in the afternoon. That is not unusual for you. You’re used to it. You were sad. You were exhausted. You knew that feeling like this was “no excuse” so you tried to force yourself to do it anyway. Typical of your life. You feel like you had already taken so much off work because of the triple-header, you were for three weeks attached to the hips with Max.

The only thing you thought of was dying. And that terrified you. And Max senses something was wrong. But he didn't want to tell something and ending up being wrong and you being upset by his misinterpretation. But, yes, he sensed that you were becoming your old self.

"Hey, babe," he snapped you out of your daydreaming. A tragic one, where you were finally at peace and Max was crying for you. You were on the verge of crying yourself at the mere image of Max in your head. But you pushed it far from your mind, somewhere in a dark corner for you to find it at an appropriate time to fantasize about your dying. "How about we go to a picnic? It's sunny outside."

Yes, the wheater was amazing. It was finally summer and you could go outside and spend some time with Max. But your brain literally is tricking you into thinking you don't deserve to enjoy the sunny day. Why? You don't have an answer.

"I'm not really in the mood, Max. Sorry."

You are not in the mood. That was his affirmation. You are not ok.

"You feeling good?"

"Yeah. Just tired I guess."

"But you just woke up."

You shrugged. He was right. You just woke up, so why do you feel like you were carrying a ton of bricks on your shoulders? You couldn't walk. You almost felt like 18 months ago. And that is when it hit you. And Max, at the same time.

"Still taking your meds, I hope."

Silence. Your mind was like overcrowded and you couldn’t take it anymore. You grabbed your head and pulled your hair because you wanted it to stop. You were thinking that you didn’t know what to think. You didn’t know how to think. You didn’t know how you felt. You were like anxious-depressed-angry-miserable-irritable all in one. Your head was spinning with thoughts. Thoughts were talking over thoughts. So fast that you couldn’t even make out one complete sentence. It was just too much for you to handle. You just wanted someone to kill you.

Max came to you and he hugged you so hard you thought he could crush your bones right there and then. You calmed down eventually. But now you were embarrassed. Because Max saw you, again, at your lowest. Because you promised you'll get better, and for a while, you were better, but now you are fucked and back into square one. All those money on therapy and your pills, for what? For you to stop taking them because you thought you were feeling better? Well, you definitely were not ok, nor you'll be. So, yeah, being fucked sounded good.

Max brought you the medicine and a glass of water. Taking the pills again? For what? The pills only fuel the feeling that everything is fine and that you are a normal person. Nothing was good and you were not a normal person.

But you took the pills. And you looked Max in the eyes and you wanted to die. He seemed crushed. He was sad, devastated, maybe angry but definitely disappointed. In you. Because maybe you don't realize this, but while you were doing good, he was doing great. He knew you could be on your own so he stopped worrying that much, and that could also be seen in his driving. He was winning more races, he was at his best and now he was at his lowest. Because you were at your lowest; co-dependency and shit.

"I'm sorry, baby. I thought I was doing well enough to stop taking the meds," you say in a broken voice but the tears are yet to appear. He stroked your hair and kissed you on your forehead.

"You should have told me. You don't have to go thru this alone. I am here."

"Yeah, you are here. But you don't have to be!" you snapped. Irritability, one thing your depression came with. "I am just a burden for you. And no, this does not come from the fact I stopped taking my pills. You took care of me like I was a child, and, fuck it, you don't deserve this."

"Stop talking like this, alright? If I would suffer from depression you would have done the same thing. You would have taken care of me. Or am I wrong?"

"You are not wrong. To be honest, I don't think I would be here if it wasn't for you, but I don't want you to be. It's obvious that I would never get better. This is me. I am fucked in the head, half wishing I was dead and I am just bringing you down."

"Don't tell me this is a fucking break up, Y/N." he narrows his brows and looks at your features to make sure you were being serious.

“I’ll leave, and the world will move on. I just wish I could see it. See how much better everything is when I’m gone.”

"What the fuck are you talking about? Is this a break-up or a suicidal vocal note?"

You broke down. Crying can be cathartic and healthy, but if it goes on too long it can lock your body in a feeling of despair. Even if your mind works through the problem that caused the crying, because your body is still feeling the physical effects it will cause your mind to revert to the negative state. It's not sadness. It's dread and paralysis. You had a certain feeling of emptiness and purposelessness.

“You’re good at finding things. Find me a reason to stay,” you say between sobs.

"You want me to find you a reason to stay alive or to stay in this relationship? To be frank, I can name a thousand reasons, but it all depends on you."

Max hugs you from behind and you lay your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat that was stronger than ever. You allowed yourself to inhale Max's scent, a soothing scent you could get drunk on.

"I want to believe you love me. I mean, I love you and I consider you the love of my life, you know? We are so young and I know it doesn't feel like it, but I promise you, I'm gonna marry you someday, even if right now you don't think you're gonna make it till tomorrow. So, yeah, this is reason number one," he said and pressed a kiss to your cheek. "This is not the worst you have been through in life. Remember where you were 18 months ago; you had no idea what was wrong with you. Now you know and you know you can be better. I know you get sick of those pills, but maybe, in the future, you won't need them. Isn't that exciting? This was reason number two," he said and pressed another kiss to your cheek. He was going to do that every time he would give you a reason. "Have you been to all the beautiful places around the world? Sure, you came to a few Grand Prix, but you never saw Great Ocean Road in Australia, you know Daniel promised he would take us there someday. You never saw Pamukkale in Turkey or Japan in Cherry Blossom season or the Blue Lagoon in Iceland. There are many places you need to visit, baby. So, yeah, this was reason number three. I don't know if you want me to continue but I can give you one more reason. Reason number four. Do it for you, baby. You deserve to live and be happy. I know you can be happy and I promise you I will do my best to help you. You just have to take it one step at a time. You just have to let me in. Let me help you, baby."

You turn around, facing him now. You loved him, with all of your heart. You love him for who he is. You love him because he literally came into your life as your lifeline. You love him because he helped you crawl up the deep bottomless abyss of depression. You love him because he had the patience and the audacity to bear with your depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, your phobias, your mood swings, your temperamental and short-tempered nature, your overthinking, your being overprotectiveness, and possessiveness. You love him because never once he thought of giving up on you in your hard times. You love him because he stands by you like a rock of unwavering support and he’s someone you can fall back on. You love him because he listens to you talking non-stop about your past, your pains, your fears, and your losses without complaining even once. You love him because he rediscovered you and helped you find yourself again when you were lost in darkness. You love him because he filled you with confidence and hope and strength and belief and determination. You love him because he believes you are the best when you set your mind on something and no one can stop you from achieving your goals. You love him because he is protective, caring, understanding, loving, and easy to be with while never being too suffocating or taking up your space. You love him because sooner or later he does everything you ask of him and does with his whole attention. You love him because whatever endeavor he engages in, he likes to give his 100% and hates doing half-hearted things. You love him because he can decode the nuances in your voice and judge your mood just perfectly. You love him because he read you like an open book and he can hear your silence. You love him because he never doubts your loyalty, your intentions, your hard work, and your million issues. You love him because no matter how busy he might get he never forgets that you are waiting for his message or his call. You love him because he keeps you in his priorities. You love him because he gave you a passion you never knew you had. You love him because he very strongly believes that you deserve the best of everything. You love him because he is empathic, kind, magnanimous, thoughtful, and down to Earth. You love him because he has eyes for no one but you. You love him because he wants to see you healthy, wealthy, prosperous, famous and he wants you to hold back at nothing, for no one, he wants you to be a Go-Getter. And most importantly you love him because no one ever loved you like he did.

"I will let you in," you say and you kiss him hard. "I'm sorry for the scene I caused."

"Don't be. It happens."

#max verstappen imagine #max verstappen oneshot #max verstappen #f1 fanfiction #f1 oneshot #f1 one shot #f1 2021 #f1 #f1 fandom #f1 x reader #f1 imagine #formula one oneshot #formula one imagine #formula 1 oneshot #formula one #formula 1 #red bull racing

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pepperpills · 3 years

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karl caught s/o masturbating

jeez, i got so excited for my first request that i may have made it a bit too long hehe hope u enjoy it

once it is said "s/o", i chose to do it karl x female reader because it is easier for me, but i'm sorry if that is not what you wanted .-.

here it is (needless to say it has NSFW content, so kids, skip this one):

Saturday Surprise

It was still Saturday. Usually, it would make you happy, because that meant you would have some time alone with Karl, he would take a break from work and his obsessions just to find himself cuddling your hair as you two watched one of the marvellous Romanian sunsets on the factory’s ceiling. But not this Saturday. He was gone for the weekend for “fixing those bastards, kitten” he said when he told a gloomy you about his soon-to-happen absence.

He left on Friday morning after a snoring heavy sleep due to the tiredness you gave him with your goodbye. Heisenberg kissed you on the forehead and told you he wouldn’t be long, but any time away from him felt like eternity to you.

You wandered the factory corridors – the ones you found safe -, ended up in a room full of his records and played a little music, dancing alone. It wasn’t bad, but at night, when you laid on that queen sized bed, oppressed by that sea of pillows unused, you missed him hard and could only fall asleep after putting on one of his explorer’s-like shirts. It has his smell all over it: metal, burned wood and a bit of oil too. It was infinitely reassuring and made you sleep tight.

The thing is, when you woke up on that lazy Saturday, not much later than the sun, lycans’ roars and crows’ croaks, that scent had you, well… wet, as if you had wet dreams with Karl, and maybe you had. The scent was like waking up to him, and as you wake up, you close your eyes and imagine him hugging you, sleepy mumbling into your hair, holding you to that position, trying to convince you to go back to sleep; you knew, on days like that, you would have to convince him to get up, he would hold you even tighter, let out low curses, harmless ones, and when he was lastly wakeful, he would attack you with tickles and fondness.

You snort in frustration and get up. A heavy breakfast would drive your mind away from it, you think. Anyways, you just have to hold it until he is back as you knew how teased he gets when you have a little fun without him. On your way to the kitchen, though, something else attracts your attention. His office door is opened. It wasn’t a secret, you could come in and out as you wished, just making sure not to disturb him on his work, but you never really pocked around there as he was always nearby. And there it is: a unique opportunity.

You sneak into the room as if you had bad intentions, you even imagine a cartoonish version of yourself rubbing hands, maliciously smiling at nothing in particular. His office has some filing cupboards on a wall, where you find nothing but his journals, notes on tests he applied and pictures of his experiments, some of its drawers have junk too and it is more or less disorganized. The right part of the office has a surgery bed and some tools, as you are not really interested in that, you don’t take a closer look.

Instead, you go directly to his chair. It is one of these quilted black director’s chairs with a tall backrest. There is a small, mahogany chest on the table in front of it, along with some minor metal parts, a lamp and some papers. You try to open it, but it is locked. You sigh, imagining what is inside. Maybe a gift? You wonder. Anyways, that morning laziness starts to get to you again and you feel comfortable in his chair. You close your eyes and can’t help yourself, but to remember all those memories of you two having fun in that exact spot. It arouses you instantly.

You were already wet, but now you are desperately needy. You recall getting on your knees one night when he refused to go to bed, even though he was restless, so, to convince him, you started kissing his waist line, going down, slowly, touching his strong, thick thighs, his moans like opera to your ears. Your hand slips into your pantie, automatically starting to stimulate your clit with your pussy soaked. You moan imagining it was his firm scarred hand rubbing you roughly, trying his best to satisfy you intensely on his steadfast manner.

You picture him coming from behind the chair, he touches your shoulders, put a little pressure on them, then let his fingers reach your breast through his shirt you are wearing, playing with your already hard nipples. You let low moans out, getting more and more turned on with that thought.

“Karl…” You whisper in pleasure.

“Yes?” A leonine voice responds from the door.

You open your eyes on a rush, turning fast to look a savage Heisenberg in the eye. He is framed by the door frame, looking like a man who just finished a mission, a hard day of work, but still has the energy. He still has his glasses on and is holding his hammer.

He walks in, saying nothing, which disturbs you deeply. He lays his hammer on the wall by the door and walks towards you. You can see his annoyed eyes because of the angle, he is too close, staring down at you.

“Having fun, ain’t you?” He asks, maliciously. “Hope you left enough for me.” Karl, then, smiles, not a sympathy smile, but a vicious one, one that tells you he will have you until the last drop of cum drains from him.

“Karl… I’m sorry. I’m gonna make it up to you.” You promise, almost on your knees.

“Oh, I bet you will.” He tells you. “Lean on the table.” It is an order.

You don’t have enough time to be confused, you don’t care anyway, your heart is beating fast, both because of fear and lust. You do as he says, leaning on the table so he has a privileged view of your butt. He spanks it one, two, three times, making you scream, getting even wetter than before.

“Tell me how much you like it, kitten.” He whispers fiercely in your ear.

“I-I love it, Karl, please…” You say in between moans as his hand grips your butt firmly.

His fingers touch your skin down the pantie, never penetrating your pussy, just messing around with your juice, pressing your butthole, entering just a little. You are hotter than ever, feeling tempted by this anal play, wishing for more.

All at once, the mahogany chest on the table spreads open – it has inner metal parts after all - and you see a shiny metal thing in there. You don’t recognize it at first, but when it starts flying to your back and you notice a black ornamental rose pinned to a drop-shaped object, you realise it is an anal plug. You groan to it as its cold metallic surface touches your hole. So Karl had a new toy hidden from you. That excites you even more.

“I don’t know if brats like you deserve this…” Heisenberg teases you, defiance sounding all over his tone.

“I will behave, I promise.” You promise again, willing to do whatever the hell he wants you to.

“Very well.” He says and you feel it slipping into you, making you feel so damn good.

You move your hips like crazy, feeling both his hand on your pussy and the plug in your ass. It feels good. Feels terrific.

“Argh, kitten, if you keep like that…” He groans and you know you have him hard, oh, you bet he has a major boner pulsating on those pants.

And you are absolutely right. Heisenberg is almost melting with the vision of your butt. Every time you move your hips you touch his delicious rod on. He has to bite his lips not to give you the satisfaction, but God damn it! you know how to make things hard for him. He can’t take no more of that.

Karl sits on the chair and pulls you straight to his lap, you sit on his cock and moan now knowing how you made him feel. He pulls it off, not even minding the rest of his clothes, just yours as he realises you from his shirt, having you completely naked for his gaze.

You don’t think much before hooping in his cock, feeling it all inside you at once, pressed by your very stimulated pussy and the plug. Both inside of you, giving you so much pleasure you could faint.

He is moaning savagely, griping your waist, making you shake for him, coming up and down like a happy rabbit, his happy pup.

He can’t stand the vision of your boobs jumping right in front of his eyes, so he grabs one and bites it. You scream due to surprise, but a wave of pleasure flows through your body. You are close, very close.

“Karl, I think I am gonna come.” You tell him, spoiled, moaning.

“I am too, buttercup.” He answers, sucking your neck, leaving a mark for sure, just to visually state that you are his.

You intensify the speed feeling as he tightens his grip. His cock is pulsating so much right now, you feel it all inside of you, you feel his cum being released deep down, filling you entirely and it is all for you and because of you.

You both are panting, completely weary because of so much exercise and pleasure. You hug him and burry your face on the curve of his neck and his collarbone, smelling the smell of metal, burned wood and a bit of oil too.

“I missed you.” You whisper in his ear.

“I missed you too, kitten.” He answers, cuddling your hair.

#resident evil #re8 #karl heisenberg #re village #karl heisenberg x reader #resident evil 8 village #heisenberg #heisendaddy #heisenberg resident evil #resident evil viii #resident evil 8 fanfic #resident evil village #re8 karl heisenberg #resident evil heisenberg #fanfic #re fanfic #heisenberg headcanon #lord heisenberg

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exovapor · 3 years

Text

The Adventure - TMNT Bitches: chapter 10

CHAPTER 10: Through the Looking Glass

· The four brothers exit the parking deck and are immediately overwhelmed by the steady stream of people walking to and fro. Donnie has his eyes glued to his virtual display while Leo and Mikey each take up flanking positions on either side of him to guard his shoulders so he doesn’t trip over the crowds walking past.

· “Oh no-no-no, this is not good!”, Donnie exclaims while panning left and right with his display, trying to find the trail that is quickly disappearing right before his eyes.

· “What is it, Donnie?”, Leo asks, the concern thick in his voice.

· Donnie frantically pans in a wider arch, but the trail is fading too quickly. The flow of the foot traffic is causing too much interference and the particle stream is all but faded away, “Leo, I think we have a problem here. The portal residue isn’t as clear down here on the street as I had hoped. I’ve lost the trail”.

· “Great! Now what?”, Raph’s towering figure grumbles from behind them all, where he has taken of the posterior position to keep people from walking dead-straight into Donnie as he stands stationary in the middle of a river of people.

· “Give me a minute to think, Raph”, Leo chides but he’s feeling his own sense of panic rising. He’s never been claustrophobic, after all he lives under ground, but here with all these bodies pressing in around them, jostling past them, the serum keeping them in human form already on its count-down clock, and their one clue to follow Shredder is literally disappearing before their eyes, he’s never felt so out of his element…so not ready to lead. However, he doesn’t have the option to quit, to flake out, his brothers are looking to him for guidance.

· Leo studies their surroundings, the people, the activity….and then he sees it, the thing that gives him a new idea, a new possible solution to their dilemma. He’s watching people all over pulling out their cell phones to take pictures of each other’s costumes, to stream and vlog about their adventures as they walk down the street, “Donnie, can you search through the media flowing around this event? Maybe we’ll get lucky can catch a glimpse of Shredder in the background of someone’s post.”.

· “Can I? Psssshhh. Does Mikey like pizza?”, Donnie throws Leo a sassy glance before flipping through his virtual screens again. Almost as soon as he starts flipping and searching the data streams, a ping comes from his computer, then another, and another, “Oh boy, BINGO!”, Donnie exclaims.

· Mikey leans in close from Donnie’s right shoulder, omitting the concept of personal space, and nearly blocking Donnie’s field of vision of the display, “Dude…that’s Shredder!”.

· “I KNOW, Mikey”, Donnie says and grabs Mikey’s cute little human face with his large left hand and pushes him back a few inches in order to have some breathing room, “it’s a video that’s quickly going viral of an altercation between Shedder some human kid”.

· “What’s he saying?”, Leo asks, leaning in from the left.

· “Hm…not good…he’s looking for fighters but at least we know where he’s going, according to my search this ‘Marriott’ that the guy mentions is a hotel just down the street…the Atlanta Marriott Marquis.”

· “Then let’s get movin’, Don, lead da way.”, Raph shoves Donnie from behind, where he’s still acting as a barricade between his lithe brother and the crushing public. He’s eager to get moving, standing still when Shredder is out there hunting for a new army is grating on his nerves.

· The quartet of disguised mutants walk along in the crowd, still in more shock and awe of being able to walk so freely among the general masses. The laughter, the smiles, the excitement, and comradery are palpable in the air. Everyone is high spirts and the four brothers are right in the middle of it. This is truly a new and welcomed experience for them.

· For too long they have watched from the shadows as people had fun. They would watch club goers and weekend warriors living it up on Friday and Saturday nights in New York while they stood on roof tops patrolling and keeping watch…from a distance. They often wondered, and in some of their cases daydreamed, about being part of the crowd below. And, now, here they were, walking in soft human skins with the rest of the world. Would they ever be able to go back to the shadows and not feel empty inside?

· As they each ponder the experience quietly and the implications of these experiences on their future selves, they follow the flow of the crowd as it passes under the carport awning of the Marriott Marquis. The voices and sounds of laughter echoing and bouncing back under the marquee, adding to the energy of the atmosphere.

· They enter the establishment through the double sliding doors and are immediately stuck speechless by the activity and the setting. The hotel was architecturally beautiful, it’s 47 stories visible in the main atrium with a cluster of stylish elevators quickly running crowds of people up and down the inside column of the atrium. Hundreds, no, thousands of people, most of which that were in some form of costume milled about talking, taking pictures, and celebrating as one.

· Donnie was sure that he had died and gone to nerd heaven…nerd nirvana…nerd-vana. A small tear rests at the edge of one of his eyes. Mikey’s hyperactive mind starts to short circuit as his eyes jump around the celebratory scene in front of him…’now THIS is a PARTY’, he thinks to himself. Raph bringing up the rear, is stunned into silence himself. There are women…EVERYWHERE…WITH VERY LITTLE ON…AND WITHIN TOUCHING DISTANCE!

· Leo quickly assesses the scene and the effect that it is having on his brothers’ attention span, he’s got to set down the rules quickly and keep them focused on the task of finding Shredder. “Ok, guys, let’s split up and find Shredder quickly as possible. There are a lot of people here, so he’ll have plenty to blend in with, or use as victims against us, we NEED to find him quickly. Raph, you’re with me, we’ll down those escalators and search there. Don you and Mike take that upper level. If you see Shredder call for backup, don’t engage until we can be sure that we can keep the area clear and ensure that people won’t get hurt.”.

· Leo and Raph descend to the lower level via the escalator. The level is one large arching circle with various wings and ballrooms off its center. There is a back entrance where other vehicles are making pit stops, picking up and dropping off of party-goers. Leo doesn’t like this scenario, it’s going to be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. “We need to move through these wings to make sure he hasn’t made it to some of the maintenance areas.

· Raph doesn’t hear Leo’s directions as he is fully distracted by a group of women cosplaying as a Sailor Moon group standing around the lower level posing for pictures. He grins devilishly at them as they wave teasingly at him. Leo lets out an alpha snort, which doesn’t have much impact coming from his smaller human lungs, and he punches the oversexed behemoth in the arm, “Raph, focus!”.

· “I am focusing, Fearless, I’m focusing on dat real hard”, he replies slyly while his eyes haven’t left the group of short-skirted women.

· Leo shakes his head, “I knew I should have brought Donnie with me, but I couldn’t trust you and Mikey together.”.

· Raph’s eyes finally leave the group of cosplayers to stare pointedly at Leo, “I don’t need ya ta babysit me, LEO. I’ll find Shredda and kick his ass all da way back ta New York”, he snarls aggressively.

· “Fine, prove it, let’s move”, Leo challenges and starts leading the way down through the bowels of the hotel.

· As Donnie and Mikey crested the escalator, their eyes saw even more of the festivities taking place on the main level. People crowded around the bar and the dance platform, one story up overlooking the main level lobby, was packed to the brim with people grinding and gyrating to the beats from the house DJ.

· “Don, I think I’ve died and gone to heaven”, Mikey whispers out reverently.

· “We need to find Shredder, Mikey, we don’t have time to play around”, Donnie says, even though his own eyes are wandering the crowds appreciating the costume designs, period replicas people are carrying, and the….uhm….nice outfits of the ladies. Donnie subtly adjusts the crotch of his cargo pants. He may be slightly smaller in human form, but proportionally still quite sizable and too many ‘happy thoughts’ still cause an uncomfortable tightness down below.

· “Ok, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think we need to split up to cover more ground. There is just too many going on and Shredder will be able to hide among it. Mikey, PLEASE, don’t get lost and stay focused.”, Donnie negotiates with his younger brother.

· “Don, you can count on me, bro! Detective Mikey is on the case!”, he clasps Donnie on the shoulder before starting to walk off to circle the atrium from the left.

· “We’ll meet back up by the bar”, Donnie yells at him over the crowd before he moves off to the right, searching the crowds for a villain but appreciating the other visual interests as well.

@turtle-babe83 @tmntspidergirl @kokokatsworld @nittleboo @the-second-circle-of-shell

#tmnt #tmnt bayverse #tmnt smut #tmnt x reader #tmnt fanfiction #tmnt donatello #donnie #tmnt leonardo #leonardo #tmnt leo #raphael #tmnt raph #tmnt mikey #michelangelo

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jackfrostsander · 3 years

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youtube

Wednesday 16:36

This truly is one of the sweetest and softest scenes ever! 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

They are so in love and everything shows that. Their chemistry is undeniable… Another masterpiece of film history!

Sander who prevented that Robbe’s head would hit the side of the bed by gently putting his hand behind it. Foreshadowing Friday 21:21 🤯

Sander wearing his Bowie shirt ⚡️ I definitely think that despite being a disaster in the kitchen Robbe will bake lightning bolt cookies one day… And even though they might not be perfect, Sander will enjoy them like no other food he ever ate. Because he knows that Robbe made these specially for him…

How Robbe was smiling when Sander showed him that drawing. But he probably never believed that Sander would actually fulfil his promise to paint it on a wall…

Robbe bumping Sander’s nose… So cute… And then Sander feeding him crisps… Just like he fed Robbe a croque at the sea… Also a nice parallel to this is the cafe scene in which Sander acts as if he’s going to feed Britt but then eats it himself… A bit symbolically saying that he cares and loves Robbe but not Britt. Then Robbe playing with Sander’s hair 🥺 After Sander yesterday hold on to Robbe’s hair 🥺

Them playing with the camera… Robbe trying to hide… Brings back memories of my childhood and trying to film my granny… 🥺

I agree with Sander’s theory. Sorry Robbe. I think we all have the ability to shape our own lives as we want… Due to external factors this may be harder (sometimes significantly so) for some people to accomplish than others but we all can do this! Nothing is predetermined. Robbe’s multiverse theory might sound more “sciency” but in reality it lacks any empirical evidence. That said, I am still getting crazily emotional when I think of Sobbe in all universes 😭 Robbe also gets the physics a bit wrong but ok that’s not of importance here…

Yellow curtains… Another iconic one-liner from Sander. Seriously, how many iconic one-lines did we get from Sander? 🥺

Sander briefly got a bit hyper as he was talking about tracing his thoughts back… Notice how Robbe calms Sander down by saying “hey” while touching his hair 🥺 Here Robbe demonstrates why he’s Sander soulmate. Even though he doesn’t know anything about Sander’s MI he reads the boy like an open book and knows instinctively what to do. Just like in Monday 11:03 where he knows exactly how to reassure and comfort Sander… Soulmate energy!

I love how Sander panicked a bit at Robbe’s surprising action of sitting on top of him… And Robbe giving a playful slap on Sander’s cheek as he knew Sander was having dirty thoughts 🤣

Sander answers with another iconic one-liner to Robbe’s question of when he first fell for him… The moonlight was shining on you and I immediately knew: he’s the one! Stop! Soon we’re able to fill a book with your one-lines… I am sure Robbe already could… 😉

A ping on Sander’s phone interrupts them. While Sander goes up to read it, Robbe turns into a total baby koala who hangs from Sander’s back. Something he’s going to do often in the future… Like after their date and at the sea in s05… Imagine how often Robbe does this??? I am sure Sander loves every second of it…

It’s Britt and the happy atmosphere is immediately ruined. I believe that Sander is honest with Robbe when he says that he has told Britt. But we know how Britt is… She doesn’t seem to take anything that Sander says seriously. To be honest, I really think the first thing she asked after Sander said that he wanted to break up with her was: “Did you take your pills this morning?” In Britt’s mind it’s unthinkable that someone would want to break up with her and so she must have blamed his MI… This is confirmed by the fact that even weeks later at Saturday 00:57 she still remained convinced that Sander was her boyfriend…

Robbe is annoyed but notice how sweet Sander is as he puts his head on Robbe’s shoulder??? I love that soooo much. And the way Sander looked at Robbe with such love and conviction! There clearly is no doubt in his mind about the choice between Robbe and Britt. He’s happy that he lives in this universe! 🥺

#happy 2 year anniversary #rewatch s03 #wtfock s3 #s03: robbe #robbe ijzermans #sander driesen #sander ⚡️#sobbe #robbe x sander #wtfam #wtfock #perfect love #soulmates #Youtube

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bellaireland1981 · 3 years

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New Beginnings: CH 6

Characters: Andy Barber x Single Mom! Briella James (Named Reader), Jacob Barber, Ava James

Summary: Briella James is a HS teacher and has Jacob in her class. Jacob meets Briella’s 5 year old daughter and they form a bond. Andy is interested in Briella but her ex (and Ava’s dad) is becoming a problem!

Warnings: Mostly fluff, some angst, jerk of an ex that harasses Briella, kissing… will update in future chapters.

Word Count: 4084

A/N: I do Not own Andy Barber or Jacob Barber, they are fictional characters. I do not give permission for anyone to repost my work or translate it to another site. Reblogs always welcome! This is my FIRST EVER attempt at writing for Andy…or any character, so be gentle! THANK YOU to my friends for supporting me and encouraging me! I’m my own worst critic so I love their feedback! @denisemarieangelina @fluffymisha97 @jamielea81

Chapter 5

Thankfully the rest of the week went pretty quickly. Friday morning, Ava was a ball of excited energy for dinner with Andy and Jacob. She wasn’t the only one. You couldn’t wait either.

Unfortunately, throughout the day you were inundated with texts and calls from your ex, which set you on edge. You managed to make it to your lunch before you broke down and actually called Andy. You planned to just leave a voicemail, as you were sure he was busy. You were happily surprised when he picked up.

“Hey, Sweetheart.” He said, “Are you on lunch? How’s your day going?”

“Yeah.” You said, “It’s much better now that I’m talking to you. I was just going to leave you a voicemail, but this is much better.”

“Everything ok?” He asked, concerned, “And unless I’m in court, I’ll always answer for you.”

“I’ve been getting a lot of texts and calls today from the ex.” You replied, shakily, “It’s just getting to me. It’s exhausting.”

“Forward me the messages,” he said, “I promise you, this will be over soon. In the meantime, we have tonight and tomorrow night together to look forward to.”

“That’s what’s getting me through.” You replied, “I can’t wait to see you. Ava is beyond excited as well.”

“Only a few more hours.” He said, “I can’t wait to see you and Ava either. How about you both come over at 4:30. Gives you time to get her picked up and I’ll leave work early and meet you at my house.”

“Sounds perfect.” You agreed. “I’ll let you get back to work, and I’ll see you soon.”

“I’ll see you soon.” He said, “And you can call me whenever you need to.”

The rest of the day went smoother. The calls and texts tapered down so you were at least able to focus. Once your last class was finished, you wrapped up some last minute emails to parents, then shut your laptop, grabbed your stuff and headed out of the building.

You got Ava picked up from school and headed home to change before going to Andy’s. Ava insisted on wearing her Elsa pajamas, even though you repeatedly told her it was not a sleepover. One thing you were sure of, the child was headstrong. You changed into jeans and a lighter weight sweater. It was starting to get cooler, especially at night.

You arrived at Andy’s and parked behind his black Audi. Getting out of your car, you made your way around to get Ava out and the two of you walked up to the front door. Andy was already there waiting with the door open, smiling at the two of you.

“Hi Andy!” Ava exclaimed, bounding up the step and throwing her arms around him. He hugged her back, smiling at you over her head.

“Hey, Princess.” He said, “I hope you’re hungry. We’ve got lots of pizza on the way, and enough snacks to rival the movie theater.”

“I’m starving.” she confirmed, beaming up at Andy. “Where’s Jacob?”

“Right here” He said, coming up behind his dad. “Come on, let’s steak out the best seats for the movie.” Jacob reaches for Ava’s hand, helping her into the house.

“Hey, Beautiful.” Andy said smiling at you, “Come here.” He gently pulled you up the step into the house and into his arms. You felt your whole body relax into his embrace. The stress of the week and everything with your ex melting away.

“That was exactly what I needed.” you said smiling up at him, “Thank you.”

“If I’m being honest, I needed it too,” He replied, “It was a long day. I was more than happy to leave it all behind. Come on, let’s go inside, I’ve got wine or beer. You’ve earned it.”

Andy led you into the house and to the kitchen. It was a very nice house from what you saw of it so far. It was definitely larger than yours. Surprisingly, it looked very homey, not the bachelor pad you were expecting with two males living there. Jacob and Ava were seated in what looked like oversized bean bag chairs on the living room floor flipping through Disney+, deciding on which movie to watch. It was cute that Jacob was patiently flipping through them all, even though everyone knew the choice would be Frozen.

You’d decided beer sounded better for the evening, especially with pizza coming. You and Andy sat at the island in the kitchen sipping your beer, enjoying each other’s company while you waited for dinner to arrive.

“I wasn’t sure where you’d like to go tomorrow night, but some of the other lawyers at the firm suggested the new sushi and steak restaurant KoFusion. I made reservations but we can always go somewhere else if you’d prefer.” Andy said, taking a sip of his beer.

“That sounds perfect.” You replied, smiling. “I’ve actually been wanting to try it, but Ava isn’t really open to trying sushi or steak.”

“I don’t think I would have been much for them either at her age.” He laughed, “Jake may eat steak now, but I doubt I’d ever get him to try sushi.”

“I was planning on making them a mini taco bar for dinner.” You said, “It’s easy to make.”

“I know Jake loves tacos so he’ll be happy.” He replies.

The doorbell rang, signaling dinner’s arrival. Andy grabbed the pizza and paid the delivery person, bringing the pizza back to the kitchen. We loaded up plates for everyone, grabbed drinks for the kids and brought it all to the living room.

“We’re going to watch Frozen!” Ava declared, “Jacob said they haven’t seen it yet!”

“We were just hoping to get to watch it with you, Princess Ava.” Andy said smiling and winking at Ava, while handing Jacob his pizza.

“Be careful, Monkey.” I told her, handing her a plate.

“Mommy, I want a Princess party this year for my birthday!” Ava said, “And I want Jacob and Andy to come to my party!”

“When is your birthday, Ava?” Jacob asked.

“November 6th!” Ava said excitedly, “And guess WHAT?”

“What?” Jacob humored her smiling.

“I’ll be 6 years old!” She replied, “Mommy said it’s special because it’s my golden birthday!”

“That is very special, Ava!” Andy said, “We’d love to come to your extra special princess party.”

“We’ll go get the invitations next week and fill them out so you can pass them out to your friends.” You told her, “

Jacob starte the movie and we all watched while eating our dinner. Once everyone was finished, you stacked the plates on the coffee table until the movie was over. Andy scooted closer to you on the couch, pulling you into him. His arm was round you and relaxed against him, enjoying just being with him.

Halfway through the movie, Andy paused it and declared it was ice cream sundae time. Everyone went to the kitchen and built their own sundae before carrying it back to the living room to resume the movie.

After the movie was over you helped Andy to carry all of the dishes to the kitchen. You offered to help him with the dishes but he said he’d have Jacob help later. Ava was starting to get sleepy, so you got her tucked into the car and said goodnight to both Andy and Jacob. You were definitely looking forward to your date the next night.

“Drive safe and text me when you get home.” Andy said leaning in to kiss you gently through the driver’s side window.

“I promise” you replied, smiling.

By the time you got home, Ava was fast asleep. It was a good thing she’d worn her pajamas afterall. You didn’t want to wake her enough to brush her teeth, you figured one night wouldn’t hurt. Thankfully, she was still light enough you were able to carry her into the house and get her tucked into her bed. Once you finished that you text Andy to let him know you made it home. You exchanged a few more texts back and forth and then you too, decided to call it a night.

You spend most of Saturday getting errands run and household chores you’d neglected over the week completed. Ava spent a few hours with your parents while you got everything done. They were used to getting to spend time together on the weekends. Later afternoon you swung by to pick her up so that you could go home and get ready for your date.

“She’s welcome to spend the night here if you want, Sweetheart.” Your mom said, “That way you don’t have to rush home from your date.”

“Jacob is coming to the house to hang out with her while Andy and I go out.” You replied, “Those two are thick as thieves already.”

“All we heard about today was Jacob and Andy.” Your mom said smiling, “I can’t wait to meet them. Just be careful, Bri. I’d hate for Ava to get attached just to get her heart broken. You too for that matter.”

“I wouldn’t let her get attached if I wasn’t sure about this, Momma.” You reassure her, “I know it seems fast, and really, it is, but the connection is there… and it’s strong. Wait until you meet them, you’ll see.”

“How about you bring them over Sunday for a family dinner.” Your mom suggests.

“I can ask him.” You replied, “If this Sunday doesn’t work, we can always schedule for next week.”

“Just let me know.” she said.

Ava came in with her jacket already on, bouncing in excitement.

“Come on Mommy! Andy and Jacob are coming over soon!” She said. She ran and gave your parents hugs, “Bye Nana and Papa! I love you!”

“I’ve ever seen her in such a hurry to leave us before.” Your dad pouted, “We’ve got competition now, Honey.”

“That we do.” Your mom laughed, “Have fun tonight Baby doll! You can tell me all about your fun night with Jacob tomorrow, ok?”

“I will! And Mommy can tell you about her date with Andy!”

“I can’t wait.” Your mom said, winking at you.

“Love you both” You said, “I’ll call you about dinner.”

“Have fun, Sweetheart,” She said,”I’m really happy you’re getting back out there.”

Ava was already in her seat and buckled when you got to the car. On the ride home you glanced in the rearview mirror to look at Ava and noticed the same car had been behind you for several blocks. You shrugged figuring it was nothing and continued on your way home.

Once you pulled into your driveway and parked, you got Ava out and the two of you headed inside. She immediately started setting up the living room for a movie and game night. Poor Jacob would be kept busy for sure.

You decided it made more sense to get the taco meat cooked up and veggies chopped before getting ready, so you got to work on that while Ava was setting up the living room. She finished before you and came into the kitchen while you were getting everything ready.

“Mommy, can I have a snack?” She asked.

“There are apple slices and grapes in the fridge,”You told her, “Grab a bowl and you can put some fruit in it.”

“OK!” She carefully grabbed one of her bowls from the cupboard on the island and went to the fridge.

Twenty minutes later, all of the food was prepped and the taco meat was finished. You settled Ava on your bed with her tablet geared up to one of her learning games and you started looking through your closet to decide what to wear.

“Mommy,” Ava said looking up from her tablet, “You should wear the pretty blue dress you wore to Nana and Papa’s party. Andy wears blue lots, I think it’s his favorite.”

“You think so?” You asked, smiling, “I like that dress a lot too. I think I will wear it! Thank you my sweet Monkey!”

She beamed then went back to playing her game as you quickly changed into the dress. It was a short sleeved, chiffon fit and flare dress, simple yet elegant. Most importantly, it was comfortable so you wouldn’t be readjusting it all night. You chose the diamond pendant necklace your parents gave you when you graduated college, and a pair of silver drop earrings to match. Once you were dressed, you went into your bathroom and did your makeup. You decided to leave your hair down, but quickly took the curling iron to it give it a little bounce. Finally you were as ready as you were going to get.

Satisfied with the end result, you finally stepped out of the bathroom.

“You look pretty, Mommy!” Ava said, “Is it almost time for Jacob to come?”

“Almost!” You confirmed, “And thank you, Monkey. Let’s go downstairs, I need to check my phone.”

Ava made herself comfortable on the couch, while you went to your phone. You had several messages from your ex. You chose to ignore them for now. You didn’t want anything to ruin the night with Andy. You had one message from Andy, which you tapped to open.

Andy: We’re leaving now, be there shortly. See you soon. XX

You checked the time stamp and the current time and realized they’d be here any minute.

“Mommy! They’re HERE!” Ava exclaimed, launching herself off of the chair by the window where she’d apparently taken up watch.

“Give them a moment to get to the door, Monkey” You laughed, “Don’t go flying out of the house.”

You started to head to the door to open, but Ava flew past and beat you to the door. She remembered to look back and check that it was OK for her to open the door. Once you’d given permission she quickly pulled the door open. Andy and Jacob were just getting to the door.

“Hi Jacob!” she greeted him, happily, before launching herself at him to hug him. Jacob chuckled, bending down a bit to hug her back.

“Hey Ava!” He replied, “Ready to watch movies, eat junk food and stay up past your bedtime?”

“YES!” She confirmed, “Can you always be my babysitter? Not even Nana and Papa let me do all that!”

“I’m not sure you’re supposed to reveal your master plan while the parents are present, Jake.” Andy laughed.

“Hi Andy!” Ava said, breaking away from Jacob to hug him, then looking at the button up dress shirt he wore, added, “I knew blue was your favorite color! I told Mommy to wear the blue dress because she would be pretty and it was your favorite color!”

“Blue is my favorite color,” He confirmed smiling at her, then looking up at you, he said, “And your mommy looks beautiful.”

“Told you, Mommy!” Ava beamed, happy having helped you out.

“You did tell me, Monkey.” You replied smiling, then to Andy said, “You’re looking pretty handsome yourself.”

“Ok, Ava,” Jacob said, playfully rolling his eyes, “Let’s get away from these two.” The pair headed into the living room, Ava already chatting a mile a minute.

“Hey, Sweetheart.” Andy smiled, stepping into the house, and closing the door. He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you in close and dropping a quick kiss onto your lips.

“Hi.” You replied, smiling up at him, “Looks like we’ve learned how to clear the kids out of a room.”

“That’s going to be a handy skill to have.” He agreed, laughing. You both made your way into the living room where the kids were.

“Ok, the tacos are all ready to go, although you may want to reheat the meat. There are drinks in the fridge. Ava knows where all of the snacks are. Just make sure she isn’t bouncing off the walls from too much sugar.” You laugh, “There are emergency numbers on the fridge. If you need anything, just call or text.”

“We’ll be fine” Jacob assured you, “I’ve got this. You guys go have fun and don’t worry. We’ll be having too much fun here to even miss you.”

“I’m feeling the love here.” You teased him. “I know you’ll be fine, I’m not worried in the slightest.”

After hugging them both, they pretty much shoved you and Andy out of the house.

Once you arrived at the restaurant, Andy quickly came around and opened your door. He held your hand as the two of you made your way into the restaurant, only separating for him to open the door and then his hand landed on your back, gently guiding you into the building. Once inside, he took your hand in his own again.

You were seated at a semi-private table toward the back of the restaurant. Your waiter took your orders for drinks and then left you to look over the menu.

“This all looks amazing.” You said, “How is anyone supposed to make a decision?”

“I was thinking the same thing” he laughed, “How about we get a variety and we can try it all?”

“That’s a brilliant idea.” You agreed.

The waiter returned with your drinks and you placed your orders. You took a sip of the wine to help calm your nerves. You weren’t nervous around Andy, just being on a date after not dating for over 5 years was causing a little anxiety.

“I haven’t been on a first date since college.” Andy said, as if reading your thoughts. “I have to say, this one is already far better.”

“I haven’t been on any date of any kind since before Ava was born.” You replied, “But I can say with certainty that this one is already better than any date I’d been on before that.”

“Here’s to many more dates together.” Andy said, raising his glass to you. You raised yours toasting.

“And possibly to last first dates.” You said, smiling.

“I’ll definitely drink to that.” He agreed, smiling back at you.

“Ava spent the morning with my parents while I was running errands and according to them she didn’t stop talking about you and Jacob.” You told him. “They offered to keep her tonight but she wasn’t trying to miss out on time with Jacob.”

“I think Jake would have been bummed to miss out on time with Ava too.” Andy said, “I think he really likes having someone look up to him.”

“They’re good for each other.” You agreed, “My mom invited you and Jacob to dinner tomorrow, I told her I’d pass along the invite. It feels weird to say that on a first date. You don’t have to accept, I know it’s really soon.”

“We’d love to.” Andy reassured you, “It might be soon by others’ standards, but I’ve had enough of living by others’ standards. I think we just need to do this our own way.”

“I like the sound of that.” You agree, “We can make our own standard.”

The waiter brought the dishes to the table. You and Andy enjoyed the variety of sushi, trying different kinds. Conversation continued to flow during dinner. It honestly felt like you’d been on many dates by the time you were finished eating.

“I don’t think our kids want us home yet, and I’m not ready for this date to end.” Andy said, “Do you want to go for a walk by the lake?”

“I’d love to.” You said, “I’m not ready to go home yet either.”

After paying the bill, Andy leads you out to where the car is parked. He opens your door for you, and you slide into the passenger seat. He quickly walks around to the driver’s side and gets in. The drive to the lake doesn’t take long and being pretty deserted, it’s easy to find parking. Andy once again comes around to open your door and offers his hand to help you out of the car.

You’re glad you thought to grab the lightweight sweater to wear with your dress. It provides enough cover to where you’re not going to get cold while enjoying time with Andy.

You make your way to the path that leads along the lake, Andy taking your hand in his, your fingers intertwining.

“I’m really enjoying the milder fall weather this year.” You said, “It’s been really nice to be able to be outside longer. I’m hoping it holds through Ava’s birthday before it gets cold.”

“I imagine it would be easier to hold the party outside as opposed to all of those kids inside the house.” He chuckled, “I’ve really loved the weather being so mild too. It allows me to go for walks by a lake with a beautiful woman.”

“Smooth, Mr. Barber.” You laughed, “And yes, holding the party outside would be much less of a headache.”

“I’m only stating facts, Sweetheart.” He smirked, “And whether the party is inside or out, Jake and I can help wrangle kids.”

“That would be most helpful.” You said, smiling.

The two of you continued to walk along the path, stopping when you arrived at a pier. Andy led you to the end where there was a bench and you both sat down, close to one another. He wrapped his arm around you, pulling you in close, and you relaxed into his side.

“I haven’t been this happy or relaxed in a long time.” Andy admitted. “Even before everything exploded with Jake and then after...with the accident… I wasn’t happy. I was trying. I wanted to be happy and to want the life we had, but it felt too forced. I can’t remember the last time I was happy. Meeting you and getting to know you better, has changed everything. I don’t know if I deserve to be happy, but I’m going to hold on to this.”

“You deserve to be happy, Andy.” You said, turning slightly so you could look into his eyes. “I thought I was happy with my ex, I thought I wanted to marry him, but once he walked out when I got pregnant, I realized that I wasn’t actually happy with him. I don’t know that I ever really loved him. Being with you though, makes me happy.”

His hand comes up to cup your face, his head lowering to yours. His lips connected with your own, his beard rubbing against your face. His tongue licked at the seam of your lips, asking for entry. You allowed him access, your own tongue snaking out to meet his. The kiss deepened, he pulled you closer into him, your arms wound around his middle. You continued to kiss until you finally had to break apart for air. His hand stayed cupping your face, his thumb brushing against your kiss swollen lips.

“Maybe we should have had your parents keep Ava,” Andy teased, his voice husky, “We could have continued this without a curfew.”

“Maybe next time,” You smiled, “Depriving Ava of Jacob wouldn’t have won you any points.”

“I wouldn’t want that.” He agreed, “I need her on my side.”

“I think you’re good on that front.” You assured him.

“As much as I would love to stay out here with you, we should probably start to head back.” Andy said, reluctantly.

“We probably should.” You agreed.

You walked back towards his car hand in hand. On the drive back to your house, Andy kept your hand in his own, driving one handed.

Once you arrived back at your house, Andy parked and came around to you. This time when he helped you out of the car, he pulled you into him and kissed you again.

“I can definitely get used to that.” You said, smiling.

“Me too.” He said. “Shall we head in to see what the kids are up to?”

You nodded, turning to head to the front door. As you turned, movement caught your eye on the street. You turned your head to investigate and felt your stomach drop. In the street light, you were able to see the same car that you’d thought had been following you yesterday. With the light, you were able to see the driver.

“Andy” You said shakily, “It’s him. That’s my ex in the car.”

“Are you sure?” He asked, turning quickly to see the driver before he drove off down the street.

“Yes.” You confirmed, “I think he followed me yesterday too.”

“Let’s go inside.” He said, guiding you up to the door.

@nickysurfer28 @waywardodysseys @thesecretlifeofdaydreamss

#andy barber fanfiction #andy barber x oc #chris evans fanfiction #Chris Evans

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barnesandco · 4 years

Note

Plzplzplzzzzz can you write a buckyxdeaf reader imagine, I just got my hearing aids after being diagnosed as moderate deaf a few months ago and there’s not enough of them imagines!!🥺 where reader gets her hearing aids or gets insecure about her deafness

Relearning

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: One very short allusion to the Winter Soldier. Insecurities about disabilities. Brief mention of a supporting character’s nightmares.

A/N: Thank you again for thinking of me for this request, nonny. I hope I was able to provide what you wanted.

They day they arrive, your face falls like a confirmation of your worst anticipations. Hearing aids, as small and inconspicuous as possible, hidden if you close the fist you hold then in, lie on your palm, unassuming. Bucky's the only one who reads the tension in the hard way you've set you shoulders, and makes some indications to Steve that he picks up on immediately and clears out the common area. Nobody was staring in the first place -- only Tony had come up to the two of you at the chess table with the case in hand -- but Bucky knows you need your space, your time. He doesn't expect you to seek that distance away from him, too.

When the area is empty, you sit with Bucky's hand over one tightly clenched fist laid on the table, almost drawing blood, the other shaking furiously. He rises from his side to make his way to you, and you stand, too. But before he can get to you, you leave. Hearing aids in hand and tears barely held back, while Bucky feels as helpless as he ever has.

-----

Going back to his room, he thinks of when it all began. The explosion in Belarus a year ago, just before he could work up the courage to ask you out. The blast impaired your hearing and you started lip reading, made sure nobody approached you from behind. Refused to let Bucky learn sign language for your sake because you were convinced it would get better soon, even though he knew you were learning it yourself. Only, it didn’t, and the doctor’s appointments reinforced that idea, wrote it in concrete, and you tried to live with it regardless.

Naturally, you had to relent to medical opinion at some point, and you underwent further testing and Tony starting working on your hearing aids alongside a biomedical engineer from MIT named Hailey. This was the destination, and he suspected it would be hard to come to terms with, but he wished he had prepared for it better. If only he knew what to do.

-----

It takes you a full day to leave your room. The only reason Bucky doesn't break down your door is because Friday told him you're still eating.

When you emerge, it is a Saturday morning. Exercise hour. The morning is golden and yellow-green against the backdrop of the grounds the Sun has just risen over. Summer has sunk deep enough into early May's bones that the temperature is lukewarm.

He's hidden in the breakfast nook in the kitchen wearing ridiculous sheep patterned sweatpants -- Wanda's idea of a gag gift -- having opted out of the gym in hopes that you might reappear, and you do. Eyes bloodshot and red-rimmed, ethereal radiance dimmed but he accepts you to be the most wondrous person he knows even now.

Especially now, when you are hopefully able to utilize the sense that used to be impaired. The hearing aids look unusual on you, but only the way in which new things do. Something you do not recognize but are prepared to learn.

He watches you ready your breakfast. A couple of Wanda's blueberry muffins and jasmine tea. You love tea and he loves you. The crinkle in your nose, that he has missed so, as you wait for the water to boil. An itch behind your ear -- a new gesture, but just as endearing -- while the kettle simmers and hisses.

Still unaware of his presence, with your eyes focused elsewhere and ears not quite tuned to their aids, you sit at the kitchen island facing the window, the grass lawns, the fresh air seeping in through the opening. He watches you relish the morning on your face, your closed eyes and the curve of your lips loose and relaxed instead of in a frown like he last saw it. The moment is as still as ice, your forms frozen in glacier time, and Bucky, for all his hatred of the cold, would gladly stay in it if you'll let him be this close to you.

His own limbs release the stress in his shoulders slowly, springs unwinding in his marrow with creaks audible to his mind, and he breathes a little slower, more naturally, more at ease now that you are here. His life vein, his gentle love.

The muffins are consumed slowly, your tongue peeking out to lick the last of their taste from your lips, the way Wanda's baking deserves to be savored. You nurse your tea in your hands for a long time, trying to take all the heat you can through the porcelain. Your fingers are always cold, Bucky knows. He has had too many tangled-bedsheet mornings, with your hands offering enough weight for him to feel but never enough for his skin to warm yours.

For a second, in between one rustle of the leaves in the border trees and the next, he forgets where he is, and loses himself in the memory of pressing your hands to his neck, letting you warm yourself by his collarbone and relishing in the hot goosebumps elicited by the movement of your hands down his abdomen.

But then you put your mug in the sink, and on instinct, Bucky rises and calls your name. Loud enough that he knows you'll hear him, but soft enough not to startle you. Everything is a delicate balance with you, a see-saw he is more than happy to keep in the air for you.

You're surprised to see him there, and you start to turn away, but Bucky speaks again.

"Please. Please, honey. Don't turn away," he pleads to your crestfallen expression, heart tearing at the seams. You need to understand that he is not going to give up on you for this, just like you've never turned away his metal arm.

Your hoarse voice, tired and sad in equal measure, says "Sorry." And you leave, again.

-----

Bucky does the only thing he can think of. He goes to Clint. The archer’s Bed-Stuy apartment emits sounds of vacuum cleaning and Bucky rings the bell twice before calling him. His phone bell is paired with his hearing aids, so he answers quickly, and lets Bucky in.

“You’re... cleaning,” Bucky states in a questioning voice, looking around at the apartment he has never seen in such a clean condition previously.

Clint clears his throat uncomfortably as he heads to the kitchen. “Yeah, Nat wanted to stay over for a bit and you know her...” he says with his face in the fridge, rummaging for Coca Cola, and indeed, Bucky does know. He knows of her clean-freak tendencies and the spate of nightmares she’s been having that might induce her to seek Clint’s comfort from the new, bad memories a mission in Moscow last month dredged up.

“So, to what do I owe this pleasure?” Clint asks pleasantly, forcing away the sympathetic sorrow in both of their minds.

Bucky blanches. He isn’t here for pleasantries, but he’s sure Clint will understand. “Could you teach me sign language?” Bucky asks back, and watches Clint consider the question. Clint knows about the recent arrival of your hearing aids, and your consequent insecurities.

“Of course,” is the answer, and Bucky breathes a sigh of relief. Looks forward to learning something new. Something to bring him closer to you again.

-----

Bucky spends a month with his heart aching whenever you pass by him, thankfully no longer hiding away but still refusing to let him in, and he tries to invest his energy into showing you he loves you still, loves you always, and he does not think any lesser of you.

Clint is patient. It takes Bucky’s hands a while to get used to the smooth, elegant flow of fingers to fist, to shape, to mold into meaning because he is so used to using his words. All that time with the mask has made him grateful for every letter he gets the chance to utter, but he will gladly give it up for you. If this sacred tongue that involves no tongue at all, that relays meaning through the extension of his forefinger, thumb and pinky from a fist -- love -- and the hand over his face -- beautiful -- and two peace signs joined at the top -- partner -- is what it takes to be yours, he’ll practise till you smile again.

-----

It takes another month for you to sit across from him at the chess table he has been waiting at since your hearing aids arrive. You hesitate by your chair. Bucky lifts his hands.¨

Flat right hand over the center of his chest. Clockwise arc. Please.

Thank you. Your fingers go from touching your lips to bringing your hand forth in a flat palm in front of him. Once you’ve sat down, Bucky rolls out the chess pieces, and you set them up.

Bucky watches you with scared scrutiny, praying for no wrong moves. Once the pieces are set up, you make your move, and then wait for Bucky. I love you, he signs, while the hubbub of the common area falls away. The world is silent save for the screaming brightness of your face. His only melody. His quiet choir. His silent muse.

I love you, too, you sign, and reach across the table to take his hand. Your smile is shaking, like it’s holding the weight of worlds, and Bucky takes the burdens away, leaning across to kiss your lips. The moment is a bubble of wonder, of marvellous adoration, where the air holds its breath. Your hands find Bucky’s hair as his come up to cradle your jaw gently. A metal finger traces over a hearing aid while his thumb strokes over your cheekbone. Stronger smiles form against each other’s lips. This is what home feels like.

#ayesha writes #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader fanfiction #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes angst

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beetles-and-rock · 3 years

Text

Mixology Gone Wrong

An X reader about pre-musical Dewey Finn.

As an aspiring Mixologist, you work in a run down dive bar where local bands come to play their music in attempts to get their names out there. You're pretty used to getting hit on by the many self proclaimed "musicians" that play there. You don't expect any different when Dewey Finn comes to flirt with you, but things start to go very differently indeed.

18+ ONLY, DON'T INTERACT IF YOUNGER

TW: Heavy Intoxication, Blood, Vomit, Attempted Sexual Assault (Not from Dewey though. He too believes consent is sexy), Mild Language, Suggestive Comments

As you can tell this is a very different fic for me. There is a lot of Angst to it.

Mixing drinks was still something you were new too, but you knew enough to work at a local bar. Evening shifts were long, and the music was always blaring super loud. You hadn't been working there long, but was pretty sure you'd gone a bit deaf already. The bands that came to play were mediocre. A lot of them were hopeless dreamers, waiting for their ship to come in. Many of them would drink themselves halfway to liver failure after their set, which made you super busy.

It was pretty sad really, to see so many of the ones who actually had decent voices order so many drinks you knew were going to ruin their vocal chords. Still they didn't care. They performed and now they were going to drink like the apocalypse was coming. As was a typical Friday or Saturday night.

It was also not unusual for the drunks to flirt with you or the other bar tenders, so when the lead guitarist for some local band called "No Vacancy" stepped up to the counter with that look in his eye after their set, his forwardness didn't phase you in the least. He had quite some character, that was for sure. Anyone could easily tell that from the way he performed, energetic, ecstatic, and all around sticking out like a sore thumb among the rest of the band. He was a little on the chubby side, wavy untamable hair ridden with grease. He smelled of sweat and beer, along with Axe body spray which he probably considered to be close enough to a shower, and a hint of BO. He may not have looked like a rockstar, but he certainly smelled like one.

"Hey there." He said with a cocky smirk as he reached the bar. It was and old approach, but at least it wasn't some dumb pickup line. he didn't cock an eyebrow or even try to smolder. Every expression that came upon his face was, in a word, lazy.

"Could I get a beer?" He asked. You held back a sigh knowing once again you weren't going to use the skills you'd learned as a mixologist, but by the looks of this guy you knew there was no way he was going to be able to afford a cocktail. You were pretty sure his band played for free here tonight, so that pretty much confirmed how broke he was. You poured the beer and handed him the mug.

It was both disgusting and impressive watching him guzzle the beer. He simultaneously patted the counter of the bar to the beat of the music as he drank.

"So did ya like the set?" He asked you after a long swig. Oh great, here came the flirting...

"It was. . . pretty interesting. You guys have a good sound." You searched for kind things to say about the performance, but in all honesty it really didn't particularly stick out to you among all the other groups of wannabe rock stars they played in this run down shack of a dive. Well that wasn't entirely true. He certainly stuck out. You did your best not to use the word obnoxious when describing his part of the set.

"Your harmonies were pretty good, and your ad libbing was. . . creative. You've got a lot of energy."

"Yeah!" He replied after taking another long swig. "You gotta have the energy when it comes to rock and roll. I've been trying to tell the other guys that for years now. They just kind of stand there."

"Uh-huh. . ."

"I mean I brought the band together. The least they could do is listen to me."

In that moment, it dawned on you how clueless he was. Anyone else could see that the other band members were not very big fans of his antics onstage. The audible sigh from the lead singer into his microphone was very

clear as the man who now sat in front of you had started jumping around and ad libbing perhaps a little too much. He was now polishing off his mug and set down the money for another one. You poured more beer into the mug, almost feeling sorry for him.

"Been thinking about changing my name. . . I don't know though. It's not really a rock-star name, but the thought of a crowd screaming the name Dewey Finn inspires me. Kinda like an underdog story." He said.

"Dewey Finn?“

"Yep! That's my name, and you'll want to remember it cause one day it'll be famous." He set down the mug pointing to it "More please."

You were unable to hide a slight look of disgust at his rudeness, but poured another glass anyway. Dewey took another long drink and belched.

"Y-yep! someday people are gonna be screaming that name, Dewey -hic- Finn." He held his belly momentarily after the hiccup looking like he may be sick for a minute. Unfortunately, he continued. "You ever thought about being a groupie? Maybe I could make you scream it too."

You raised an eyebrow. It wasn't an old crappy pick up line, but he was still one more stupid sentence from getting slapped. You had to admit you did think this guy was kind of cute, and some parts of him were even adorable, but not so cute or adorable that you wouldn't remind him he was talking to a human being.

You shook your head watching him become more and more drunk, and knew he was likely to keep making conversation. Since it was clear to you he was not going to stop speaking, you decided to change the subject instead of letting him dig his own grave.

"So who was your inspiration?" You asked thinking it would be an appropriate question. Little did you know you'd soon be enjoying yourself talking with him. His eyes lit up and he listed a number of musicians and bands that he had been inspired by. How he'd listened to all eras rock music from a young age, and had gotten his first guitar for his tenth birthday. That sparked his dreams to become a rockstar. He talked about how he would spend every moment of free time learning to play. How he played with a band called Maggot Death in Highschool and has been living with one of the members ever since his father kicked him out.

You found yourself laughing, smiling and even coming close to tears at some points as you watched him do so himself. Perhaps the most surprising thing though was that familiar warm tickle slowly spreading on your cheeks. He was certainly no gentleman, but at this point you knew there was some tenderness underneath all the cockiness. Still even in his near-stupor, you could tell he was definitely still keeping most of his walls up. Not that it was your duty to take them down. It was about that time one of his band members came over, and reminded you that you were just a bartender this wannabe rock star had been talking to for the first time.

"Excuse me, Is this guy bothering you?" The man asked. He was thinner, and had longer, straighter hair than Dewey. He wore a leather jacket that left his torso bare showing off a set of abs that clearly he was proud of.

The man's tone surprised you. He spoke as if Dewey had been trying to fondle you over the counter or had been relentlessly trying to pick you up.

"Uh-um. . ." Was all you could manage. Not only had you snapped out of the happy daze of the conversation, but you realized you hadn't been keeping track of just how much beer you'd been giving him. Now the poor guy was drunk out of his mind, you had no idea how much money he owed the bar, and you were pretty sure this could get you fired. The troubled look on your face must have given the guy the wrong idea, cause he smacked the back of Dewey's head.

"Heeeeeeeeeey!" Dewey uttered as he slowly rubbed the back of his head.

"They're not interested, Dewey. Leave them alone." Said the band member.

"I wassssssn -hic- bothering nobody."

The other man looked at you, and sighed. "How much does he owe?"

You just stared at him a full minute before gathering your thoughts.

"Oh. . . um, I think he drank the equivalent of a pitcher." You knew it was more likely two or more, but you didn't want to cause any more trouble. The man slapped several dollar bills down on the counter, before turning to Dewey.

"You owe me."

"Th-thanks -hic- buddy." Dewey said with a goofy smile.

"Come on. We're over here." The guy said, turning to lead him to the rest of the band. Dewey went to follow him stumbling as he got out of the chair. He fell clumsily to the ground. The band member turned and laughed at him, soon joined by the others as well as many people in the bar. Dewey looked up very dazed, but smiled seeing that everyone else was.

"Whoops!" He giggled.

You might have been the only one not laughing though. You felt sorry for him.

"I've changed my mind Dewey. You better call Ned." His bandmate told him.

"Wait!“ Dewey scrambled on the floor trying to stand or at least sit. It was obvious from the way he teetered on the support of his arms his judgement was way off. He managed to sit on his knees. "Wait! I-I -hic- can't! Patti will lose -hic- lose her crap if shhhheee finds out I. . . ca-called Ned to come -hic- come get me. . .

Another band member cut in.

"It's nothing personal, Dewey. There's just no telling what your fat ass is gonna vomit in his car."

Even though the remark wasn't even all that funny in your opinion, the band members laughed. Dewey laughed too, but it was an uncomfortable laugh. The laugh that comes from the person being joked about trying to seem unoffended. Still watching this all play out, you could tell Dewey was hurt and scared of whoever Patti was. Regardless of your sympathy toward him, you had a job to do.

You continued to pour people's drinks, almost too busy to watch as Dewey's band left him. You didn't see where Dewey himself went until after the evening rush had gone. It was about fifteen minutes to closing. He was sitting in a booth with his head down. There were a few tipsy stragglers at the bar, which was nothing the other bartenders couldn't handle. You decided to go over and check on him. You walked over and sat across from him.

"Hey, you okay?" You asked.

He lifted his head. His eyes were red, and his face puffy and tear streaked. He looked sick and exhausted. He made a sad attempt at a smile.

"Jussss fine." He slurred before another hiccup escaped him. An all too familiar panic flashed through his eyes and he clutched his stomach. He covered his mouth and sat back for a moment until a nasty sounding burp escaped him. He moaned and stared miserably at the wall above your head.

"Are you sure? Do you need a bucket?“

His eyes lowered back down to you. "Jusss go away. . ."

You wanted to do what he asked, but with it being so close to closing, you needed to make sure he had a way to get home.

"H-have you texted your friend to ask for a ride home yet?"

“No. . ."

"Why not?"

"My nightssss -hic- been b-bad enough without my roommate's -hic- girrrlfriend yelling at me. . . and threatening to kick me out."

You couldn't disagree. That would be a worse ending to an already ruined night. Still you had to close up soon. You had to get him out of here, and hopefully home somehow.

"W-What about earlier on stage? You were really good."

He looked up at you, a slight smirk had returned to his face. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, you looked like you were enjoying yourself up there."

"I alwaaaays enjoy my-myself -hic- onstage. Rock. . . isss what I wass meant fffor. The mussssic sp-speaks to me.

You smiled, seeing that little smirk gave you hope. Clearly he was very passionate about Rock. You decided to try to keep him on the subject.

"When did you first get into rock?" You asked.

"I've pretty much -hic- been Inta rock my whhhhhole life."

"Oh?"

"Y-yeah. I'vvve been singing -hic- since I can. . . m-member. . . It's great for expression. . . a-and sex appeal. . . You think so too, don't you." He was looking you in the eyes now. His expression made your heart skip a beat. You were having second thoughts about this now. Maybe you should have had one of the other bartenders come with you. You nervously backed up in your seat.

"W-what?" You stammered.

"Well yyyyou do keep talking about -hic- the way I looked on stage."

You blushed. It was a big misunderstanding. You just noticed how he stood out from the others.

"O-oh, no I wasn't meaning-"

Dewey chuckled. "Ssssure, you didn't. You even r-risked your job to -hic- over serve me.

You raised a brow. "Excuse me?"

"Speaking of -hic- whaddaya say . . . to another r-round?“

Your voice came a little more stern. "No I think you've had enough.'

"Come. . . Come on, baby. Jusss -hic- a few more?"

Baby!? Who the hell did he think he was? “No!“

"Wwwwann me to take my sh-shhhirt off?"

"No thanks!"

“Kiss you?" He grinned.

"Absolutely not!" You stood to get up from the table. He stood too, leaning forward. He absolutely reeked of alcohol. You could tell from the look on his face he wasn't done, but if he wasn't careful he was about to be.

"What if I sign a tit?" It was then that you noticed he was gawking at your breasts. That was it. You reared back your hand and sent it flying into the side of his face. He yelped, sitting back down in the booth. His eyes were wide with shock. He touched the red mark that was now forming on his cheek. His bottom lip quivered. For a moment, you thought he might burst into tears. Unfortunately, what came next was worse.

Once the look came over his face, you knew what was coming, and there was no stopping it this time. Dewey held his gut as vomit poured from his mouth all over the table, and even down your skirt. You were really pissed now.

"GET OUT!" You screamed at him. He sat there wide eyed, embarrassed, scared, and still pretty sickly.

"I-I'm so sorry-"

"OUT!" You pointed to the door.

He scrambled to get up from the booth, and stumbled across the floor. He stopped suddenly leaning over a booth retching again. He wasn't going to make it very far if he left now. You sighed handing him a bucket.

"Just sit down, and text your friend to come get you."

Dewey hugged the bucket and nodded. You watched making sure he texted his friend Ned, while thinking about quitting your job here. It wasn't bad money, but you certainly didn't sign up for babysitting sick, horny, drunks. Dewey retched into the bucket causing you to look away. It was then that you noticed another man walking towards you.

"You okay?" He asked.

You brushed your hair back out of your face looking up at him. You could tell your expression was still harsh, but had no interest in changing it. After all this, you figured you were justified in a little rudeness despite the bar's policy.

"I'm fine.“ You snapped.

The man chuckled and grinned. "Easy sweetheart, I'm just trying to help."

You rolled your eyes.

"Just leave me alone."

The man stepped closer. "That skirt is looking a little messy. Let me help with that."

Your eyes widened, but you didn't have time to react before the man attacked you yanking at your skirt. You screamed. You could barely register the next movements in your shocked state.

A fist flew into the man's face. He staggered backwards letting out a muffled scream from behind hands covering a bleeding nose. Dewey was now standing next to you staring at his blood soaked fist. You wanted to say something like "thank you" or "sorry for screaming at you earlier" but the man who tried to assault you had regained his composure, and grabbed Dewey.

The angry drunk slammed Dewey into the side of the booth, which backfired because instead of a scream of pain, Dewey regurgitated all over his attacker. The disgusted stranger screamed obscenities at him before throwing him to the ground and pinning him there. His messy knuckles slamming into Dewey's head again and again. You screamed for the man to stop it, almost certain from the blood he'd killed Dewey. Your assumption was confirmed false when a fist with a mug in it shot upward and was slammed against the attackers head. The mug shattered and the man fell to the ground unconscious.

"Oh my god!" You knelt next to Dewey, who now had bruises forming on his face and blood dripping from his nose.

"Are you okay?" You asked, looking him over for anything else. "Do you need me to call an ambulance?"

He just moaned in response, his eyes unfocused.

"Can you sit up? I can help you." With your help he was able to sit up. He leaned back against your arm limp and dazed. A tall thin man in glasses came running into the bar.

"Dewey!? Oh God! What did you do!?" He panicked rushing over to him.

"N-Nehhd. . ." Dewey managed.

"Are you alright?" Ned asked him. He looked at you. "What happened?

"It's a long story." You answered. "But, he helped me." You looked between the two of them. “I'll call an ambulance. He needs to get checked out."

"Wahnna. . . go home." Dewey whined.

"Not yet, Dewey. They're right, we gotta get you checked out first."

You pulled out your phone and dialed nine-one-one, and though Dewey really didn't feel like getting looked over, and was less than cooperative, he ended up being pretty lucky. His back was bruised the worst, and he had a minor concussion, but other than that he was mostly okay. The medic really seemed to prefer he get checked at a hospital, but since Dewey was likely to be less cooperative there he let Ned take home. He was given instruction to stay with Dewey to make sure nothing got worse, and to make sure he stayed in bed if he felt dizzy.

Before taking Dewey home Ned thanked you for taking care of him. You shook your head.

"Taking care of him was an occupational thing. I should be thanking him for taking care of me."

#dewey finn #school of rock broadway #beetlejuice musical #beetlejuice

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theaspiescribe · 4 years

Text

The 21st Night Of September

Do you remember the 21st night of September? Well I most certainly do! A night when I made one of the biggest breakthroughs of my life. In virgo season, obviously.

There was a period of my life when I struggled to leave the house. If I did have to do it, I would incur a great physical toll. Panic attacks, exhaustion, stomach pain and the like. It would take days to feel normal again. It was not fun.

It’s a curse to feel trapped inside your own home, inside your own mind. You see other people going out like it’s nothing, you remember a period in your own life, when it was nothing. You wonder how this is what has become of your life. You ask yourself why can’t it be different.

My despair was amplified by the fact I couldn’t see a way around this. How are you supposed to overcome a phobia of this sort when the phobia itself prevents you from getting the help you need?

For so long, I felt helpless and because I couldn’t go out, I couldn’t make friends, so I was alone too. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that this was my reality.

In addition to this I was dealing with a myriad of other issues both mental and physical. Now, when I look back I realise I was fighting hard to survive, that I was a lot stronger than I ever knew.

The turning point was a storm from the east, you may remember that they called it the Beast From The East. A snow storm of epic proportion, and as an admirer of snow, I was marveling at the intensity of it. I was electrified by the prospect of it.

We had another storm called Ophelia a few months before, but there was no snow and it was quite dangerous. This was a lot more exhilarating.

Snow like this hadn’t been seen for years, since before my biggest issues emerged. It reminded me of a time in my life when things were peaceful and I lived a relatively happy life.

I had always been mesmerised by how serene everything feels when it’s snowing. Looking up at the sky seeing the little snowflakes falling is always a soothing sight to behold. Everything just looks better with a thick blanket of pure white snow covering it, it looks cleaner, it looks neat. It sounds quieter, and in fact snow can absorb sound because it is so porous.

That whole week I felt reinvigorated by the beauty of the snow, as if a whole new world was still within reach.

As Elsa from Frozen once said:

Let it go, let it go Can't hold it back anymore Let it go, let it go Turn away and slam the door I don't care what they're going to say Let the storm rage on The cold never bothered me anyway

In a way, the snow storm was like a dimension between two worlds: An old one where I felt powerless to overcome my fears and a new one where I felt a surge of determination to fight back. No more moping or quitting, I whispered to myself. I knew the extent of the challenges that were ahead of me but I kept reminding myself to take it one day at a time and to just try my best. I will forever remember that storm, a beast in more ways than one.

Mother’s day was very soon after The Beast and it provided the perfect opportunity to make my first foray into the wild. I wanted to buy her this specific laptop but it could only be bought in Navan. Even though this was truly uncharted territory for me I felt a calm and confidence at the prospect of going to do it. So, on that fateful Friday, my Dad and I embarked on a journey that would mark the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I had many false dawns before, but this time felt different, like there was actual substance behind it.

Getting the laptop and interacting with the nice computer man was fine even despite his persistence that I buy anti-virus software. Anyway, what a resounding success I thought. Mission accomplished. But much to my chagrin, the drive had taken so long, I now had to use the bathroom. This was certainly not part of the plan because there was nothing more I hated than using public bathrooms, especially being trans. But again, instead of looking at this from the perspective that it’s an issue, I tried to look at it as another chance to make a breakthrough.

McDonalds was the obvious choice. But the timing was far from ideal. It was a Friday evening, kids had just got out of school and it was busy and noisy. The beginning did not go well, there was this kids outdoor play area and I thought this was the entrance, but it in actual fact was not. In the past, I would have panicked, but I tried so hard to just roll with it. Anyway, thankfully the bathroom wasn’t an issue apart from some disconcerting roaring. Then I queued for food. Fuck I hate queues, absolutely loathe them. There was also a lot of very rowdy kids around excited about getting their food. My mind was in a state of panic by all the noise and movements. But I was struck by how calm on the outside I was, as chaotic as it felt inside, I could keep control on the outside.

On the journey home, as I sipped my ice cold beverage, I realised that I had shown an ice cool temperament to get through this first test. I felt a sense of pride and I told myself that the most difficult part was over now. I had taken the first step. Something to build upon.

In the subsequent months, I did indeed go on more adventures, to supermarkets and other shops. Gradually, it got easier but as with anything there were setbacks. Progress is never linear, I knew that better than anyone.

Then in July, I had stumbled upon an advertisement for Saturday Night Fever in the Bord Gáis Energy theatre. I had seen this musical with my sisters as a child in the Gaiety theatre and I had great memories of visits to the theatre with them. Of all the great things taken away from me, trips to the theatre ranked quite highly on the list. Was I really ready for something as overwhelming as this, I pondered? Probably not, but feeling bolder than usual, I decided to go for it, and got the tickets for my sisters birthday. The date? The 21st night of September.

As the day approached, I was overcome by trepidation and was not feeling great physically. My migraines were making sleep difficult and I was worried that I wouldn’t feel physically able to do it. On the Friday morning, I felt okay, not great but okay. I’m going to do this, I told myself.

And so the time came, and I was a bundle of nerves. This was probably the equivalent of a football player before a world cup final, or someone performing on broadway for the first time. My heart was beating so fast, my mind was going through a million different scenarios and I was having a hard time thinking straight. But on the surface, I looked calm and ready. Once again, I was impressed at this capacity to keep everything under control externally despite everything happening internally.

The hard part of course was still to come. As I walked into the theatre, I wondered to myself would I make it out again in one piece. The beginning did not go too badly at all, there was quite a spacious waiting area which I appreciated and the glorious view of the grand canal took my attention away from intrusive thoughts. The calm before the storm, I joked to myself.

And then it was showtime. This was my first time in the Bord Gáis Energy theatre, and my overall impression was a positive one. Thankfully we were seated near the back of the theatre. This was a strategic decision on my part, so I could make a quick getaway if it was necessary. Once the show started, it did indeed get a bit overwhelming, the noise and flashing lights were as jarring as expected, but I was enjoying the music a lot so I could put up with it. The most challenging bit was actually the sitting, I find it almost impossible to sit for extended periods of time and I was getting restless after about 10 minutes. By the end of the show, I had felt like I had aged 50 years but I made it. I came, I saw, I conquered. There was no sense of pride this time, just sheer exhaustion but once I had recovered, I realised what an achievement this was. I never thought I would have had the courage to do something like this again, but from somewhere I found it. What else could I do, I wondered to myself?

But this is why I will always remember the 21st night of September, my soul truly was singin’ on that unforgettable night. You know it's alright, it's okay, we’ll live to see another day.

#21st September #September #Bee Gees #Saturday night fever #earth wind and fire #Autism #actuallyautistic

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dansnaturepictures · 3 years

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My eighth wildlife and wildlife and photography highlights of 2020 blog-Our trip to Devon and Cornwall in August

Dipper, Chough, Manx Shearwater and more

You may recall that a permanent fixture in these highlights blogs every year has been our trips to Rutland Water to attend the British Birdwatching Fair. The organisers took a correct, timely and classy decision to cancel it this year due to the COVID-19 pandemic. It would have not been possible to do safely this year given the nature, popularity and international scope of the event. I did miss going to Rutland it was my first summer since 2007 I didn’t go to Rutland or the wider East Midlands, but I enjoyed where I could getting involved and also donating to the virtual Bird Fair they held instead which by checking the schedules and watching talks and things I felt very much the same exciting vibes I got going to the Bird Fair every year since I was kid.

But I still had the Friday and Monday booked off work for when it would have been on. So as restrictions allowed us at that stage we booked to go to Devon for three nights to visit certain West Country wildlife rich and beautiful locations we knew. Something I felt very excited about I do love this area of the country what a bonus to get to go back after doing so last September going to Cornwall and this and last January in Gloucestershire my last trip away. It was nice to just stay somewhere else other than home for the first time in five months for me safely. On the way on the Friday in and out of sunshine we took in wonderful views of the countryside, most notably seeing the famous Stonehenge in Wiltshire a place I had seen before from the car but I had never managed or even really tried to photograph it so I did that that day I just managed to get my camera ready in time to take pictures of it through the car window including the first in this photoset a fun moment making me excited for my next West Country adventure it’s such a great staging post in any journey there.

When we arrived and settled into the lovely cottage we stayed in in a working farm environment, we ventured to three lovely lakes in a nice light evening they have here. It was such a beautiful walk, I took in brilliant views over this typical Devon countryside which I love. It was particularly a very nice night of flowers and insects a botanist’s dream a little bit, we saw so many wonderful flowers including late foxgloves in the rain, lovely rosebay willowherb, some striking orange and pink ones nice to see them with raindrops on and insects flying around. The orange ones I found out later on were montbretia. As we drove in on a day that had its fair share of rain it was comical to see little makeshift “rivers” flowing along the roads and lanes so it was nice to capture this in a photo too. During the walk it rained that night just a bit and the sun shone, I looked over the fields seeing the dark clouds behind and thought to myself that’s where the rainbow will go and I said that to my Mum and like happened earlier this year surely enough a rainbow did then appear right on that patch and it looked glorious I took the second picture in this photoset of it. A nice addition to my best ever year of rainbows fittingly given what they came to mean in 2020 and a beautiful start to the holiday I felt very relaxed that day especially compared to weeks that proceeded it. I also saw a couple of Wrens that night which was very nice as I felt in the heart of Devon countryside I really tasted that in a sense and embraced by it. A lovely moth a Yellow-barred Brindle came in that night showing good continuity from them coming in at home the weeks leading up to the trip away.

We started the Saturday away with a walk up the lane from where we’re staying, it started rainy and then got sunny, we enjoyed some stunning Devonshire views of lovely countryside which was a great start to the day alongside being very relaxed at being away and excited. On this walk like I did throughout the day I saw more rosebay willowherb. As the sun really came out I was delighted to see beautiful Swallows flying very close overhead and landing on the wire, a special moment with a great bird. A young Robin outside the cottage was very lovely to see and I saw and photographed one at Fingle Bridge later on that day which was memorable. I also saw nice butterflies Speckled Wood and Large White on this walk. I took third picture in this photoset of a view on this walk.

We then went to Fingle Bridge the main place we wanted to come this trip away to search for one of my favourite birds the Dipper. Here it was nice to see Grey Wagtail, Red Admiral, Large White and Southern Hawker as we took in stunning views of a beautiful habitat I love so much gushing water flowing over rocks through a valley in the woods a habitat I find very delicious. I also felt I went back in time and saw some Silver-washed Fritillaries strong butterflies for the habitat one who’s season had long since ended at home in Hampshire. Whilst in Hampshire as I said in my last highlights blog at this stage I was taking in lots of sights and signs of autumn there were only some with one tree in autumn colour here. The flower sightings the night before and that day showed the season in Devon was slightly behind and a little more how the year normally unfolds actually.

Our quest to see a Dipper at Fingle Bridge after walking around was beginning to look a bit fruitless, but I kept saying we must never give up and all we needed was a moment of magic to see one. Luck changes in seconds with these birds. We came across an angler who we spoke to at a safe social distance as we were eating one or two wild raspberries and he had some too and I had some blackberries further on. We asked if he’d seen a Dipper on his travels and he had as well as Kingfisher too the Dipper recently and he told us roughly how far along. It was a very pleasant chat. We walked on checking the river at all times and we saw a Dipper! Very likely the same one. That one moment had happened and I felt so happy. We got brilliant views of it on the rocks in the water and it was very interesting to see it flying as I had done before and see it swimming a bit which I never had before really in the flesh. I got my first photo of an adult Dipper since 2014 the fourth in this photoset, we had seen the bird we had come for as we had here in 2015 which meant it was mission accomplished and we could feel anything that happened on the trip now was a bonus and it was a relief to see this my 12th ever occasion of seeing a Dipper.

It was quite an emotional moment really. 2020 looked like a year we could possibly see a Dipper when we went to North Wales in June we had the right habitat and had locations where we looked for them there in 2016 but that was rightly postponed due to the virus at that stage. I then thought and even said I would not see a Dipper this year and I accepted that. But then the Bird Fair was also cancelled and we managed to sneak a staying-away trip in to this area we love so much and Dipper was the bird we’d come for and we’d managed it which I loved. It was very thrilling to see this bird. 10 years on in very similar habitat (My first ever Dipper was at Exmoor’s Watersmeet which Fingle Bridge is like a Dartmoor version of) from seeing my first Dipper I was reminded why they are one of my favourite birds and how much I love it. Interestingly during my last time off work for more than one day before this my hot week off of day trips in Hampshire and most notably surrounding counties to it in June, on the Friday I watched Julia Bradbury’s ‘Walks with a View’ programme I think repeated where she walked Lynmouth to Watersmeet as part of her walk that episode and saw Dippers which made me very nostalgic this before I knew we’d get to go to Devon so it just made me feel very nice that. Year list wise it was a very important milestone being my 170th bird of 2020. A worthy bird to be the milestone which made me very happy. Equally I didn’t know if I’d reach 170 birds this year it’s been a crazy and restrictive (for the best for us all of course) year a figure it always feels smashing and I am proud to reach I’ve only achieved it six times so I felt happy. I came away once again with a very good impression of Fingle Bridge what a fantastic place it is, the woods and river habitat I just love so much. There’s also lots of nice picnic areas it’s a typical National Trust place so it was nice to see lots of people safely enjoying time outside this August it gave me great holiday vibes.

We then moved into Meldon Reservoir. At Fingle Bridge I had some therapeutic moments listening to and watching the water gush over rocks and falls, and I had very much the same here but in a different more open setting perhaps. Here I simply took in some of the greatest views I’ve seen this trip and this year so far it was exceptional. Typical national park views within Dartmoor. I had never seen anything like it being at a reservoir and dam really and walking along it. It was a wonderful walk through breathtaking countryside. I took the fifth picture in this photoset from here I enjoyed taking pictures there so much. I even managed a dip in the river myself when it turned out the circular route we did meant we had to cross a tributary to the stream a lovely holiday moment for the weekend. I saw Dartmoor ponies here and some Jackdaws which was nice. Being at a dam was so good also as I have seen in my previous visits especially north/mid Devon ones we can learn a lot from the South West about how to use renewable energy and put it into the landscape a wind turbine was visible in the distance too. Its landscape features so good for this. I know there are other uses for the reservoir obviously. So I really saw that up close and personal it’s something that has interested me since school renewable energy use and obviously we should all be interested in so I found that great that day. This was a walk at Meldon reservoir that really allowed me to take in great views and absolutely tire myself out which is what it’s all about for me. That day I also set my record for photos produced in one day producing over 60 which I would emulate the next day and in my Norfolk and Bushy Park trips this year.

On the Sunday we did something that was a surprise idea and something we did not expect to at all this long weekend, and made the trek from where we’re staying near to Oakhampton, Devon to Cape Cornwall and Botallack in the vicinity of Land’s End in Cornwall two standout locations of our wild Cornish September 2019 holiday to see if we could see two star birds there that we did last year which I wouldn’t see anywhere else this year another of my favourites the Chough and a favourite bird B lister for me the Manx Shearwater. Since 2016 the beginning of my working life holidays particularly as well as all time off have increased in importance for me with long summer holidays and the like no longer something I can enjoy. And the lineups in each year since, particularly 2018 and 2019 although 2017 taking in locations we already know well was good too have been amazing with so many memorable trips away from home and smashing stuff happening in them wildlife and landscape dominated and mostly both. In my 2019 holidays particularly the last to Cornwall I really realised how content I was going away to different locations in my own country and doing what I love wildlife watching and photography. So places like these I took to my heart. When we left Cornwall, doing a second trip to Cape Cornwall mostly to walk the dogs before we left due to practicalities and because we loved it so much, I sort of thought I treasured these places so much and I wouldn’t see them again for another three or four years if I was lucky. I said to my Dad before coming away at the possibility of if we didn’t see a Dipper the day before which we did in the end at Fingle Bridge in Devon our main bird target, maybe crossing the Cornish border to go to Boscastle where we’ve seen them before a little bit into Cornwall that would feel strange in a good way returning to Cornwall so soon. But to actually be going to the places we were at last year right at the end of Cornwall, in this crazy rollercoaster of a year was something else.

The day started in a wild way as I saw and photographed a spider in the bath in the cottage we stayed in a similar one to one I got a memorable photo of in my en suite at home on the second May bank holiday Monday. After a nice journey there as the sun came out which felt like going to Anglesey when we stayed in Snowdonia in 2016 for scale of a big journey within time away, in which we saw lots of birds of prey like Buzzard, Kestrel and maybe a Peregrine, we got here and took in stunning views of the dramatic coast in the sun and peak purple heather everywhere and reacquainted ourselves with the beautiful place Cape Cornwall. We did the same with the wildlife, seeing scores of Gannets young and old, Fulmar, Shag, Oystercatcher, Turnstone, get intimate moments with Herring and Great Black Backed Gulls, see another Buzzard and also see a little moth and a cricket which was nice. I enjoyed nice flowers there that day too.

I also saw a decent few butterflies at Cape Cornwall in perhaps the hottest weather we had all trip. It was nice for it to be and feel so hot and sunny after a wet start in Devon for us that day. This included Small Tortoiseshell, some Common Blues and most notably a smashing view of a Wall Brown. I finally got to see one and really make out its features this year one I had had two occasions of quick and flighty and quite distant views of prior to this point in 2020. I very much enjoyed seeing this beautiful mostly coastal butterfly for us up close and I liked taking a picture of it with my big lens with its wings closed.

At this stage in the walk like the Dipper the day before we had not seen a Chough and we were rather making hard work of doing so. I joked we were chuffed to see a Dipper that day’s yesterday but were we going to dip (out) on Chough today (to those who don’t know, “dip out” is a birdwatching term to mean you have missed seeing the bird you are looking for). But I kept the same motto as the day before, we must stay positive and focused as it only took one moment for it to happen.

On the way back to the car at Cape Cornwall that day we got that moment. The one thing had concerned me compared to two visits here last September was we had not heard the distinctive call of this scarlet-billed crow at all which we had a lot here last year. The Chough is a bird you’ve really got to be hearing before you can even think about seeing one. As we walked up the hill I heard two finally, and turned around and there were two black birds flying from where the call was made. I got them in the binoculars but could not quite see their beaks properly. My Mum had just about seen the shape of them but not the red colour and thought Chough. I needed that little bit more convincing as similarly sounding Jackdaws were by the shore to the left of where we were looking moments before so could have easily rose up. They looked more right for Choughs though and we walked back in the direction of the lower reaches of the hill where we’d seen them last year. Here we managed to see them again sitting on the cliff and the pair flew frequently, but we saw their red beaks and were in no doubt now they were Choughs. We enjoyed a glorious few minutes with these precious birds we really did get so close to them, I felt very happy to see and hear them. Once again this weekend away patience had paid off. I took the sixth picture in this photoset of one of the Choughs at Cape Cornwall that day.

As bird 171 in my year it did make me happy and made my year list at that stage my third highest compared to what I had seen on this date in previous years behind 2018 and 2019 my two highest ever year lists. It also marked the first time I saw one as one of my favourite birds which was nice, I had always been fond of them throughout my birdwatching but last September after the holiday I added it to my list of favourites. There’s was only at that stage six of my current list of favourite birds I was yet to see as I mentioned in my favourite birds highlights post in this thread, six I know I have not visited any locations I could see them or are just very hard ones to see so I did very well for seeing them this year. We left Cape Cornwall once more feeling very satisfied indeed. I also enjoyed seeing more great rock samphire at Cape Cornwall that day alongside other nice flowers.

We then moved onto Botallack and had a lovely covid-secure takeaway cream tea to eat on benches I always say you have got to have a cream tea if you come to the West Country and between this and a Devonshire one waiting for us when we arrived at this cottage on the Friday we had a Devon and Cornwall one ultimately. It was amazing how the National Trust made it so safe to enjoy their facilities in terms of the pandemic I was impressed. At Botallack it started to cloud over as the weather forecast suggested but as the visit went on we saw quite a bit of the sun as well. It also looked very purple here perhaps compared to when we came last a few weeks later in the year last year into September thanks to the flowering heather. This meant three of favourite habitats were combined this weekend away, heather, coast and water flowing through a rocky valley in woods over steep gradients and three of my most beautiful places to be. It was more of the same bird wise at Botallack with Choughs delightfully seen again over the café’s area and over the sea, Jackdaws, Buzzard again showing well and a Raven seen sitting on the central chimney for a very long time which was great to see it’s always a great spot for different types of crows here. I took the seventh picture in this photoset of a nice heather and coastal view here today.

We were here mostly to try and sneak in seeing a Manx Shearwater as we did last year and my Mum and her partner has the last two years here, a bird we did not expect to see at all this year. We studied Gannets flying right to left across the sea as the day rolled on; we did wonder if we were too early to see a Manx Shearwater and we would have had more luck in September as we did all across this part of Cornwall las year. But we did just manage to see a few Manx Shearwaters flying over with the Gannets, making out their features. It was not my best ever views of this bird but it was good enough and meant I could tick them and enjoy seeing them a little. Whilst looking at the Buzzard and more Choughs it was a really nice atmosphere of arriving here and waiting until a point in early evening to see if we could see any quite magical really. The sea remained calm but perhaps the day got a little rougher and it was a weird sensation after weather at this stage after hot days being a bit cold this evening. I ended the day on 172 birds seen in 2020 something I reached in July the last two years so I am not too far behind really. I took some interesting photos of the views of the sea and cliffs through a makeshift window which stood out– a gap in the buildings of the distinctive old tin mine fixtures which define this area and make it quite charming.

I took the eighth picture in this photoset of a lowering sun behind trees visible from the cottage when we returned that evening. This ended two really packed full days away that weekend and I loved being away so much. A perfect substitution to being at the Bird Fair, what a way to spend a summer weekend it did feel so hot and summery that weekend with okay some rain in places and I felt very happy and relaxed. I saw some top-class wildlife birds especially but butterflies and flowers too alongside other things and took in some varied and breathtaking views. Meeting some great people at a safe social distance along the way! So many photos produced again possibly some of my highest amounts ever each day and so many top memories made little and big.

With these memories strongly in my mind as we prepared to return home on the Monday I took one last walk around the area the cottage was in that had three lovely lakes where we had walked on the Friday evening. Like that walk I enjoyed seeing flowers (Yellow dahlias different colour to the ones I enjoyed in our garden so much this year, foxgloves, rosebay willowherb and some other lovely orange summer flowers we saw all over the south west that weekend I believe montbretia), insects some horsefly type things and a common blue damselfly and a nice view of a Wren and Swallow before we left.

We had a bit of a disaster leaving when the roof box for our luggage on the car’s key section broke so it could not be locked. With the help and advice of some very kind people at the farm we stayed, the postman who happened to come by quite charming for a rural area and in the post office at Bridestowe a local village we managed to arrange a makeshift tie down of the box using some rope ties and some newspaper ties and parcel tape from the post office shop there. We had to be resourceful but this type of thing can be what holidays are all about in terms of memories. I took in some views of this picturesque village of Bridestowe and saw a Woodpigeon, Collated Dove, Jackdaws and House Martins whilst there. Quite an adventure.

What followed was effectively a safari through the beautiful Dartmoor National Park as it was one of those sunny and rainy days getting a fair amount of each. We took in the stunning and uniquely carved out landscape, I took pictures of it from the car and at a little stop. On the stop we saw some of the hardy Dartmoor ponies of different colours too which was great I took the ninth photo in this set of one I enjoyed this. We then arrived at a planned stopover point to have a little walk from before travelling home, Dartmeet on the banks of the dart where we’d come in 2015 another very nice river through woods habitat similar to Fingle Bridge where went on the Saturday. We walked one way through rain and sun taking in stunning views along the river and were happy to find Dart Valley nature reserve and we walked along there. I took the tenth and final picture in this photoset there.

After eating lunch in the car park area through sun and rain once more we walked the other way through a heath. More stunning views were on offer here and then the walk came alive for wildlife sightings. We saw a Sparrowhawk chasing a Swallow which noisily tried to see it off, when looking at it I noticed a lovely common lizard sat on a little rockface it gave a great view but I was not quite fast enough for a picture. I noticed loads more of the little things of nature on the walk like a lovely spider on a hard to see web that looked as though it was skating in the air to get from bit of heather to heather therefore. Bees and Beautiful Demoiselles as we had seen the other side of the river completed this. Perhaps the stage was stolen though by another of my favourite dragon and damselflies when a Golden-ringed Dragonfly flew along flying right at us and then along we got a cracking view of this. Then a Buzzard a star bird of our weekend flew over too. On the way home we drove past the beautiful Postbridge in Dartmoor in the lovely cottage we stayed in there was a homely picture of this hung up.

This made a pleasant end to the journey of this weekend away for us taking in some of the key habitat of this weekend that breathtaking river through woods over steep gradients in the land area and the Dartmoor landscape. What a fantastic weekend away we had, some of the best, most enjoyable and memorable times this summer and year for me for relaxing, walking, wildlife watching and photography. As I said we did and saw so much and I loved every minute of it well worth how excited I was for the weekend away it lived up to it well.

We had a fun moment on the way home still in Devon seeing some lovely Cattle Egrets in a field! A year tick on my birthday at WWT Slimbridge the last time we came to the West Country so this was very nice. In Dorset on the way home we went a different way to when we came we had a smashing view of some adorable Roe Deers on the roadside so the journey there and back had great points of interest.

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sunflowerstrays · 5 years

Text

starry night ➳ l.f

lee felix x kim seungmin x reader.

words: 3.5k.

genre: fluff.

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“So, I’ve had a lot of roommates,” you say, pushing your glasses up your nose as you sit opposite Felix and Seungmin, “and a lot of people applied to be my roommate. I’ve known both of you for a sum total of… three days? And you guys have already won me over.”

“Hell yes!” Felix shouts, fist pumping the air as he launches himself towards you for a hug. Crushed beneath him, you barely hear Seungmin thank you repeatedly in his soft voice. The contrast between these two boys was almost the deal breaker for you. They were perfect friends to have; loud and quiet, outgoing and introverted, bold and soft. Polar opposites attract.

According to their story, Felix and Seungmin knew each other last year at the creative arts school the three of you attended. They were roommates before, but applied for accommodation too late this year and this was their last option. School starts again tomorrow, and you’d be back to your art course all guns ablazing, whilst Felix was continuing his musical theatre course and Seungmin his creative writing course. You wondered how you’d never bumped into either of them before.

Felix, with his ever changing hair colour, was pretty unmissable after all, and you worked with the creative writing team last year in designing the stage that the theatre students performed on in last year’s play.

“This is incredible news,” Felix finally says, wedging himself between you and the rest of the small sofa in the tiny apartment you were now sharing with these two boys. You smile, pressed up besides him as he continues chattering about how excited he is. “Just wonderful.”

“It’s going to be a bit… loud, with him around,” Seungmin sighs, making you giggle. “Trust me, an average of three hours of sleep a night is good with Felix.”

You soon learnt this to be true. Later that evening, after the three of you had gone out for dinner at the nearby fried chicken restaurant, you were curling up on the sofa sketching in a rough book and enjoying the last evening of summer. Seungmin was sat at your feet, mirroring your position with his feet resting on top of your fluffy socks, sharing a blanket with you whilst he was working on something on his laptop. Normally, this would be the perfect scenario for you to fall asleep in.

Only Felix was chatting away to himself through some rehearsal notes he had for plays that he had coming up this year. You didn’t mind, as you could see how passionate he was for the subject, and sometimes the random lines he would say would make you and Seungmin giggle. But every time you felt yourself beginning to nod off, Felix would announce a passionate love line from something that sounded Shakespearean, and you were jerked awake again.

You understood Seungmin’s complaints, but found Felix’s outbursts cuter rather than annoying. Finally Felix retreated to shower and bed, and as you could faintly hear him singing in the shower, Seungmin seem to relax.

“Felix may be older but boy is he chaotic to look after,” Seungmin says to fill the silent air between you, making you burst out laughing. You never imagined living with two boys to be quite this loud - you knew it would be loud, granted, but not this much noise from one person. “But I love him a lot so… These things happen.”

“You guys have such a cute bond,” you grin, putting down your book and smiling at Seungmin. “And to have stuck together all this time? I had eight different friendship circles last year alone. And now, they all hate me.”

Seungmin laughs, but is wary of whether you meant it as a joke or not. When questioned on it you explain that the situation was funny rather than sad, and in retrospective was quite ridiculous. Most of the friends you ended up falling out with was because their course was very dissimilar to yours, and they didn’t understand why you spent all your time painting or drawing or taking photos. That, or they were jealous that you were so open and friendly to everyone, they wouldn’t trust you.

“Well, now you’ve got us,” Seungmin says with a bright smile, “and we aren’t like that. Felix generates enough energy for himself and both of us, I don’t have enough friends to ditch you two and you are housing us so… I think we will get on quite well.”

Seungmin wasn’t wrong. The three of you got on like a house on fire. On Tuesday night’s when you had a yoga class, Seungmin and Felix would meet you afterwards for Takeout Tuesdays and to make sure you were safe. When Felix would have swimming classes during lunch hours, you’d always bring the food that Seungmin bought him during lunch to ensure he ate well. If Seungmin visited home any weekends, you and Felix would spend all of Friday night and Saturday together, watching movie marathons and waiting for your best friend to return.

And you couldn’t be happier. In fact, everything was perfect. For a few smooth months you grew especially close with the two boys, and you wouldn’t change it for the world. Everything fell in place like you wanted it to; school was going well, you were feeling happier about life, and you had two friends who meant the world to you, and who you meant the world to.

That was until one Tuesday, it was only Felix waiting for you on the purple plastic chairs in the foyer of the gym where your yoga classes were held. The smile on his face was as bright as ever, but didn’t meet his eyes like it usually did. Confusion had grabbed at you as you approached the currently red headed boy.

“Where’s Seungmin? Did something happen?” You ask worriedly, waiting for Felix to stand up. His face is sad, soft at the edges and the smile has completely disappeared now. “Felix?” You call after a long period of silence.

“He’s on a date with someone else, y/n,” Felix shrugs as he offers you a hand. “I’m really sorry.”

You take his fist but raise a confused eyebrow. “Why are you sorry? That’s good for him! He shouldn’t have to feel bad about dating other people because of us, should he?”

“I thought- but- what?” The Australian boy lets your hand drop and stops just outside of the gym. People from your class bustle past, tutting at the obstruction that the small Australian boy had caused. You take his elbow and lead his confused figure to the side, where you were hidden in the darkness of the night and not at risk of being run over by a gym hulk.

“What’s wrong Felix?” You ask, dropping his elbow now.

“I thought you liked Seungmin,” he says, pouting. “Like, fancied him. Wanted to go out with him. I don’t know how you say it.”

“Seungmin? Oh, dear no,” you say, bursting into giggles in front of the confused boy. “No, what gave you that impression?”

Felix takes your hand again and begins leading you to your local restaurant. He explains his thoughts, and most of them make you laugh. The fact that Seungmin and you would stay up to chat about philosophical things that Felix didn’t care for, or that you’d always sketch him if bored, or that whenever he went away at the weekends you’d be forlorn until he returned Sunday night.

“Oh,” you say when Felix says that he thought there may have been something between the two of you that he didn’t know about. “I mean, there clearly isn’t if he is dating someone else. I- I didn’t realise that is what you thought.”

You and Felix manage to laugh off Felix’s poor judgement of your relationship with Seungmin. After the giggles have passed and you are both tucking in to your food from your favourite take-out on the couch, you forget all about the conversation. The remainder of the evening is spent on Minecraft with Felix, who was insistent he had something cool to show you. Instead the two of you end up designing a huge castle that you leave him to build when there is knocking at the door.

“Seungmin?” You ask, confused, when he knocks on the door later that evening. He stands, cheeks flushed and smile bright when you answer.

“Forgot my keys when I left early. Glad you guys were still awake, I thought I was going to have to holler at the door until someone answered,” he grins as you step aside and let him through. “Minecraft again, Felix?”

“Well, seeing as you ditched us for Takeout Tuesday’s, y/n said they would play with me,” Felix says rather sulkishly that makes you giggle. Seungmin doesn’t seem to notice his tone though as he glides through the apartment on cloud nine, a grin on his soft cheeks and a happy haze in his eyes.

“That was today? You guys should’ve said,” he replies, oblivious to Felix’s apparent sadness. You take a seat beside the blond boy again as Seungmin leaves for his bedroom in a daze. Saddened, Felix drops the controller for Minecraft and turns off the games console.

“I don’t like it, y/n,” Felix says, letting his head drop on your shoulder. “Seungmin has always been… mine. And, in the most selfish way possible, I don’t want him to find someone else. Because who will love me?”

“First of all, Felix,” you say, taking his hand and interlocking your fingers with him, “Seungmin isn’t going to leave you. You know what he is like; he’s very loyal, and wouldn’t just ditch you for someone who he may or may not be romantically involved with,” you choose your words carefully as you try to comfort the boy, not wanting to do more harm than good. “Also, you’ve got me! And seeing as you are living in my apartment for the next year, I don’t think I’m going to be leaving anytime soon, okay?”

“Okay,” Felix says, although he doesn’t sound convinced. Seungmin returns from his room ten minutes later in his pyjamas, ready to talk all about his date, but Felix remains curled in your side as the two of you watch the television show, letting Seungmin talk himself into a daze.

This is what your life had become all of a sudden. From blissful friendship dates out with your two best friends, to it being just you and Felix and Seungmin coming home with more fantastic news about his wonderful partner. You were happy for him; he deserved someone who could love him after all, but what upset you was that he had no regard for Felix’s feelings. Whether it was that he didn’t notice, or didn't care, you weren't sure. But you knew that you didn’t want Felix to feel even worse about the situation than he already did, so you made an effort to cheer him up whenever possible.

That meant you’d sit with him through all of his swimming classes, eating your lunch and quietly drawing at the side of the pool whilst he stormed through the water. Soon after you began attending him at the pool, he joined your yoga class, and whilst he was nowhere near as flexible and calm as you were, he enjoyed them a lot; and would tell you this frequently, although you were sure he just liked your instructor more than the class itself.

The weekends when Seungmin was away were even better now that Felix and you were used to being alone; each weekend one of you would have to find something new to do in the city that the pair of you could do. This resulted in some really successful trips, such as the art museum that you took Felix too and he loved, and the theatre that Felix brought you to that was showing his favourite musical, with a comedy twist to it.

Between the good weekends, there were some that were less fortunate; for example, when you took Felix to a food market, but he had been stung by a bee and had a bad reaction to the insect, or the time when Felix had decided to take you to a cinema showing, left the tickets in the taxi the two of you took to get to the cinema, and couldn’t get into the screen.

Despite the good and bad times, you loved hanging out with Felix. Spending all of your time around the boy that reminded you of the sun and the stars was quickly becoming your favourite thing to do. Whether it was the silly trips the two of you would take, or the yoga classes, or even lounging around in your lazy clothes in your apartment, you loved it.

It was why you were sitting on your couch at the minute, Felix’s head in your lap whilst the two of you curled up for a Christmas movie. Felix would be travelling back to Australia for two weeks, and you were visiting your family for a short time as well. You knew you were going to miss the boy incredibly over Christmas, and so was aiming to spend as much time with him as possible. Seungmin was also spending Christmas with his family, yet you weren’t sure whether he was going to join you and Felix for your last few days together.

Regardless of that, Felix was planning you an Australian style Christmas dinner, which you were incredibly nervous for because you had no idea what to expect. The young boy was interesting when he was cooking anyway, so a meal entirely prepared by himself was something you weren’t sure you were prepared for.

“Hey guys,” Seungmin says as he walks through the door. “Did you not go to yoga class tonight, y/n?”

“It’s finished until after Christmas,” Felix answers, making Seungmin raise an eyebrow. “Yeah, we started going together seeing as I didn’t have anything else to do on a Tuesday night.” You place a hand on Felix’s soft hair, the other locking his fingers with yours. You are subtly telling him to go easy on Seungmin; you had noticed a change in his demeanour immediately, and wanted to make sure the red haired boy was okay.

“How was your evening, Seungmin?” You ask, and he frowns.

“Well, I think I got stood up. But I’m not sure. Hyunjin said that he was going to be late to the dinner reservation, but he never showed up,” Seungmin shrugs as he drops into the empty seat. “Do you think he hates me guys?”

Hyunjin was the boy Seungmin had been seeing for months now. They had been dating for a little over a month, but you hadn’t expected bad news to come so soon. You’d only met the boy a handful of times, but he seemed very sweet; tall, quiet but had the most beautiful laugh, and made Seungmin. As long as he made Seungmin happy, you were happy.

“Of course not,” you said with a smile. “Try calling him later. Maybe something came up?” Seungmin makes a ‘hmm’ sound, pulling out his phone and beginning to scroll through it. “There is some food left in the fridge from the takeout if you didn’t eat, by the way.”

“Oh you guys are the best!” Seungmin says, his voice happy. The divided attention from the Hyunjin situation has him looking at you and Felix properly. “Wait- Felix?”

“Wassup?” Felix says, not taking his eyes from the movie in front of you. “I promise I didn’t eat all the chicken.”

“That’s not- never mind,” Seungmin says, giving you a raised eyebrow. You mouth that you’ll explain later, and with that Seungmin goes for his food. Felix finally turns his attention up to you, staring at you with beautiful, star filled eyes that are look so sad you want to weep for him.

“I don’t want him here,” Felix says quietly, squeezing your hand with his. With his soft hair between your fingers, you smile sadly at him, understanding how he feels. You were hoping that you were going to be able to enjoy the rest of the evening with Felix alone, because that was the company you had grown to love the most.

“You don't mean that Felix,” you feel compelled to say it, just for your own conscience. “It's been a while. Give it a minute and it'll be just like it used to be.”

Seungmin returns to the living room with food in hand, taking a seat and chatting with you quietly about the movie thus far. He finally catches up with the plans for Christmas, and for a short few hours, it feels like it did at the start. Eventually though Felix grows fed up of the interaction, wishes you a goodnight and drags himself off to bed. You are left in silence with Seungmin, unsure what to say to fill that void in your friendship.

“So you and Felix..?”

“Nothing like that,” you state, although your voice shakes as you say it. “He just… He misses his best friend, Seungmin, and I’ve had to fill that gap.”

“Misses me?” Seungmin’s voice is pure confusion; he has no concept of how much he has ignored his responsibilities as a friend recently. You feel bad for thinking so, but that was how you felt; whilst you loved Seungmin, he had been very distant recently, and that was beginning to wear on both Felix and you.

“You do spend all your time with Hyunjin,” you shrug, picking at the blanket you had been sharing with Felix. “Which is great, because he makes you happy and that makes me happy, Felix as well. But we just miss you hanging around with us; Takeout Tuesday’s and movie marathons and those stupid board games we would stay up all night to finish.”

Seungmin looks truly distraught, which makes the situation even worse. He hadn’t realised how much he had neglected Felix and you, and you could see that burden taking him on suddenly. His red head drops into his hands as he looks at the floor, reminding you of a child that had been scolded.

He begins apologising, but you shrug it off, explaining that it didn’t bother you. It was Felix he ought to apologise to, but the blond boy was too upset with it all still to speak with him. You suggest that it is probably best if the two friends take a few days out to hang out and sort any disagreements between them, before resorting to bed yourself.

What you didn’t expect to see lounging in your bed was Felix, stretched all across the sheets with the moonlight highlighting the beautiful features of his face. He was fast asleep, small snores fanning the hair that had fallen over his eyes gently with each shallow breath. Seeing him like this, this vulnerable and calm, made you happy; all you wanted was for him to be happy, you realised, and this was one of those moments you wanted to treasure forever.

After changing quickly in the bathroom you curl up in your bed beside Felix. Without waking him you roll on your side and watch him sleep peacefully, mind racing too fast to think about anything else. What Seungmin had said tonight brought you back to that first conversation Felix had had with you a few months ago regarding you and Seungmin.

He had suspected Seungmin and you had some secret relationship that he wasn’t aware about, yet it had turned out Seungmin was seeing Hyunjin, the boy from his creative writing course. However you had never given Felix reason for him to think Seungmin and you were in any sort of relationship, and Seungmin had never given that impression either. But now, Seungmin was wondering the same thing about Felix and you; and as a result, you were starting to think about that too.

All of the countless hours you had spent with Felix in the last few months must have counted towards something, you were sure. There was nothing else that would explain that fluttery feeling in your stomach whenever you hung out with him; it was so often now that it had become a part of you. The thought of being away from him for two weeks was making you so sad that you figured that must have been it.

That night, you didn’t sleep. When Felix woke up the next morning and saw you awake, he questioned whether you had slept as well. You had lied easily, and laid with him until it was time for you to leave for your art class in the morning. Felix and Seungmin were going to spend the day together, rebonding the friendship that had faded with time, and you were terrified about what you would come home to.

---

so i’ve had exams at school and i’m writing to relax. this was something i had in my drafts for months and now i’m finishing it. might have part two up sometime this weekend, and if not definitely some time next week :)

113 notes · View notes

cheekytorah · 5 years

Text

Muggle AU | Drabble

But is anything I write truly a drabble? I can never just stop at 200 words. So here's to a long(ish) drabble(ish) muggle au wolfstar! Cheers!

The pleasant laughter that filled the modest country home, in the small town they lived in, always put a smile on Remus Lupins face. His son was already 11 years old, but still found the most pleasure in little things like playing with their Huskey and watching ants carry crumbs ten times their size. Teddy Lupin was a wonderful child: smart, honest, kind. All the things Remus had raised him to be. He gave his boy everything he could. Teddy wanted for nothing. Except for his father to find love again. Of course, Remus knew this and always told him that he was very happy with his life as it was.

Dora Lupin had passed away when Teddy was but one year old. She had been in an unfortunate place at an unfortunate time and was caught in the middle of a thief and his escape route. It had been devastating losing her, and he had from then on dedicated his life to making a great life for Teddy, making sure he felt as loved as possible despite the loss of his mother. And loved he was. Teddy was surrounded by family; a cousin who doted on him, a grandmother who adored him, Remus’ closest friends who were family in every way that mattered, and a godfather who was at times the best help Remus could have asked for.

It was Friday, the regular night that Harry Potter arrived to care for Teddy while Remus went out with Peter and Marlene.

“Teddy! Your godfather is here! Come say hello!” Remus called up the stairs. It was seconds later the young boy was charging down the stairs screaming hello and throwing himself at Harry.

Harry’s mother Lily had been one of Remus’ closest friends growing up, his father James was another close friend. Time and life had taken its toll on the group. Though they were all still friends and considered one another family, it hadn’t been the same between James and Remus after highschool. He made other friends and Remus just didn’t fit in with them. Lily on the other hand, had coffee with Remus every Saturday afternoon when she came to pick up Harry.

“Hey there, pup! Missed you!” Harry said fondly and squished the boy in his arms. “What do you want to do tonight?”

“Dad said I can finally dye my hair blue! can we can we can we?” Teddy begged, his eyes light brightly with excitement.

Harry gave Remus an amused look, because yes Teddy has finally worn him down. Remus nodded sheepishly and grabbed his coat.

“There had better be no mess when I get home, if I find any blue anywhere young man, I’ll dye your hair back to brown myself.”

Teddy nodded frantically and pulled Harry towards the bathroom that he had set up perfectly for an evening of bleaching and dyeing his brown locks. Remus shook his head and smirked before heading out the door to meet his childhood friends.

~*~

“We are too old for this!” Peter complained as he usually did when Marlene ordered a third round of whiskey shots for the table.

It was the same every weekend. Marlene would have them drink too much, they’d all stumble back to Remus’ where the couple would crash into a guest room and in the morning they’d all have bacon sandwiches while watch morning cartoons with the minor. They may be too old for it, but Remus lived for Friday nights, adult conversation and letting loose a little after a week of suits, ties and keeping his kid alive.

“40 is not old, Peter. I resent the accusation that it is. You’ll pay for that tonight,” Marlene glared at her husband as she shot another drink down her throat.

“Yes, dear,” he smirked over his own drink before he too downed the amber liquid.

“No one is paying for anything in my guest bedroom,” Remus groaned.

“Prude,” Marlene coughed.

Remus glared at her but smiled happily anyways. He was happy. It had taken a long time, but here he was enjoying time with people he loved. Happy.

Loud, barking laughter broke the silence at their table and the three turned their heads towards the sound. Remus prickled in annoyance, eyes narrowing at the figure laughing happily in a group. Sirius Black, a coworker at his office, and a complete jerk. It probably didn’t help that the man was James best friend, and the reason he and James hadn’t spoken properly in 8 years.

He was also a slag. It was well known at the office that he had worked his way through the beds of half the female employees and he was constantly pulling idiotic pranks on some of the employees on the floor down from them. He was worse than Remus’ 12 year old child. He had the maturity level of a 6 year old and the attention span of a 3 year old.

“What a prat,” Remus muttered.

“You don’t even know him, anymore,” Peter said pointedly.

“Oh come on, that guy is a menace!” Remus insisted.

“Is that why you stare at his arse when he walks past your cubicle?” Marlene says in a (not so innocent) innocent manner.

“I’ll give you that he’s fit, but he’s still a prat!” Remus sighed and trailed his finger around the rim of his glass.

Marlene hummed quietly looking intently at Remus’ expression before turning and-

“Oi! Black! Did you know you got a fine arse but your annoying as all hell?” Marlene yelled across the room.

Remus froze and all the colour drained from his face. The liveliest group in the pub fell silent, Sirius turned with a bright smile lighting up his face and winked at her.

“Of course, McKinnon! Second finest ass in the company,” his brows waggled suggestively at her.

“That’s my wife, Black.” Peter called in a half hearted frustration but mostly amusement.

“Not who I was talking about,” Sirius yelled back with a suddenly soft smile and then turned back to his friends to continue his animated storytelling.

“Hmmm. I wonder who he could possibly have meant, love,” Marlene said to her husband but looking right at Remus.

“Yes. A complete mystery,” Peter grinned.

“I think it was Janice this week, or was it Linda? I can’t keep track.” Remus muttered under his breath. But not quietly enough it seemed.

“Oh but it seems you are,” Marlene smirked. “I want poutine! You boys done nursing your drinks, or can we get out of here?”

Remus nodded and downed the last of his whiskey and followed his friends out of the pub and into the night.

~*~

Remus was exhausted, the week had dragged and by Friday he wasn’t even sure he had the energy to go to the pub. He had worked on a merger for the first half of the week, pulling over time nightly. Thursday and Friday was full of lawyers meetings with clients and a whole lot of back and forth that made remus’ head spin.

When he finally got home on Friday afternoon, he had managed to settle the case and make his superiors happy, but he was just ready to curl up with Teddy and Harry to watch a film. Of course Marlene and Peter wouldn’t hear it, and soon his phone was ringing constantly till Remus had no choice but to meet with them.

“Go on, you deserve it! Have a nice night, I’ll see you later,” Harry smiled.

Remus nodded with an apologetic smile on his face as he left the house and made for the pub a few blocks away.

The room was oddly quiet when he arrived, and he quickly found Marlene and Peter sitting at their usual table. The usually rowdy group wasn’t in their regular booth it seemed and it dramatically changed the atmosphere.

“I say we have a couple drinks and head over the matinee in the park down the road! I even brought something along,” Marlene grinned cheekily and pointed to the two large thermos’ in her purse.

“The fresh air could do you good Remus, you look wiped,” Peter said after searching Remus’ face.

“The merger is over, that’s all that matters. I’ll catch up on sleep this weekend.” Remus sighed running his hand over the back of his neck.

They chatted about work a little more and then, their drinks finished, they headed towards the movie that was playing against a large building in the park. It wasn’t overly crowded with people, just a few sparse individuals and a couple large groups chatting with eachother while an image of David Bowie clad in tights and 80’s metal hair paced around a room filled with little goblins played on the wall.

“Damn you, Padfoot! My shirt is soaked now!” A familiar voice yelled to their right.

Marlene passed the thermos and they watched as Sirius fell over laughing and James Potter was covered in some kind of purple liquid and gel. Remus smirked, forgetting his annoyance with Sirius Black, and appreciated the amusing scene in front of him.

He found himself watching Sirius again. As if he could ever really get the infuriating man out of his head to begin with. This week alone Sirius had walked by his cublicle 8 times a day, that’s 40 times in a week. Way too many times for Remus’ sanity. Sure the work week had been hectic but forcing himself into a state of indifference and calm after each time Sirius walked by was what really exhausted him.

The long black hair that fell to just above his shoulders in a sexy shaggy way, the piercing grey eyes and the sultry smirks that were always decorating his aristocratic features. Remus was done for, and he knew it too. Of course, he’d never admit that to anyone. Least of all his so called best friends.

He chugged back the sweet drink, and turned back to the movie. Soon he’d be at home in his soft bed, no longer thinking about a certain man. No. Because he never thought about Sirius Black at home, alone. In his bed.

Fuck

~*~

TBC

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flyswhumpcenter · 4 years

Text

Nurse Café - Chapter 6/6: “Back to Normalcy, If Normalcy There Is“

PREVIOUS CHAPTER

Fic Summary: Life could have honesty been simpler than that for Hokuto, a second-year Liteature major. There’s, however, someone out there willing to just make it easier on him.

Fandom: Ensemble Stars! (College/Coffeeshop AU) Ships: HokuAn (Anzu/Hokuto)

AO3 version available here.

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Chapter Summary: After recovery comes coming clean to your friends about where on Earth you've been lately.

Chapter Wordcount: 1.7K words

Chapter Notes: Let Subaru Enstars Say Fuck. Writing Hokuto and Subaru banter has no rights to be this fun, I swear. Anyway! I started work on this chapter right after finishing the very first chapter in, what, July? I believe the first paragraph of this is older than the entirely of chapter 2, in fact. More on NC's origin story in the end notes. Because of how long this chapter has actually been in the works for, I'm afraid it sounds a little reconstituted and mashed together. Y'know, casual "I spent 6 months on this" issues and whatnot. I'm still terrified this is OOC, as I've honestly not watched Enstars in months by now and got carried away by my headcanons and AU-ing, but oh well. I hope you'll like

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Hokuto was walking down to his first class of the week, the one whose presentation he had eventually surrendered to and asked to postpone (not his proudest achievement), when he heard a very familiar sound: Subaru Akehoshi’s signature high-pitched voice resonated through the corridors, accompanied by ferocious-sounding footsteps rushing in his direction, lacking any kind of discretion or concern for whomever else may have had the misfortune to be sharing this very corridor with him.

“Ho-kke!!”

Akehoshi jumped on him, wrapping his arm around his shoulders and almost making him tumble and fall. If his face wasn’t so naturally inexpressive, someone else would have noticed the panic suddenly enlacing his mind.

“Back off, Akehoshi,” he responded to the assault, watching his friend get down and walk next to him.

“You usually bite harder than that, Hokke! What’s up? It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other!”

“…it’s been, what, a week at most? I wouldn’t call that ‘a while’.”

“It’s just not the same without you, Hokke! I’ve missed you friend!”

To be fair, he had missed Akehoshi and simply didn’t want to admit it to the latter’s face. Doing that was like yearning to be discredited. He’d have to work on that dishonesty of his later.

“I suppose so,” he replied with some doubt lingering (truly, someone as much of a social butterfly as Akehoshi couldn’t have missed him that much, right?).

“Hey, Hokke, tell me something! What’s happened to you? You’ve disappeared from the surface of the planet, Ukki and I got worried, and Sally wouldn’t tell us anything about your whereabouts! Anzu seemed really worried about you too…”

Oh God, was this guy really going all out on him? Was it legally allowed to embarrass someone in public like that?

“It’s a long story,” he half-heartedly replied.

Akehoshi’s glaze didn’t let up. He was coming for actual answers and Hokuto wasn’t all too keen on giving it to him in public like that. He had somewhat of an image to keep as a student representative in the university, he found that important to keep for himself, and this excitable boy wouldn’t do that. Not while he was alive, at least.

Suddenly, more footsteps came in their direction, prompting them to both turn around. Coming towards them were Anzu and Isara with Yuuki trailing not far from them. All shone a smile, to which Akehoshi replied with more excitement. Truly, this guy seemed unstoppable and always full of energy. Hokuto suddenly found himself somewhat envious of this, before focusing back on the incoming conversation, wondering how he’d unbury himself from having to reveal why he had gone missing for an entire week.

“Hello everyone!” Anzu said in their direction, her lovely smile as on point as always.

“Hi everyone!” Yuuki continued, waving at them, Isara doing the same right afterwards.

Akehoshi rushed towards them. Well, there was nothing better to do than follow him, he supposed… At least, it’d be a good way to begin returning to normalcy.

As they walked back in the direction to their classes, questions rose up.

“Ah, Hidaka, you’re back!” Yuuki noted with a bright smile. “Where have you been all that time?”

“Yeah, Hokke, where in the world were you?! Our routine doesn’t work the same if it’s without you, y’know!”

He didn’t know if he should have been flattered or offended to that remark.

“I had…” How was he supposed to lie about the reason without actually lying about it either? “I had a lot of things to take care of.”

“Still,” Yuuki makes another note, albeit his tone drops in happiness, “you weren’t there on Tuesday for your own presentation! The prof didn’t know what to do with you missing, he hadn’t seen that coming.”

“Frankly, never did I,” Akehoshi added. “A day without Hokke around isn’t a normal day!”

They were pushy, but he couldn’t hold it against them. He had vanished for an entire week, after all, of course they’d ask about it.

“Hokuto, I think it’s time you tell them what’s actually happened. We’ve respected you not wanting us to do that on our terms, but… These two were worried sick you know!” Isara finished to convince him.

Despite the embarrassment already piling up in the back of his mouth, Hokuto nonetheless cleared his throat and tried finding the exact right words. He’d have liked to keep that awkward week in the sands of time, but alas, the peer pressure happened to be a little too strong to withstand.

“I, hmm…,” yeah, no, that remained hard to put into words, “may have collapsed last Friday night.”

A thick silence settled. While Isara and Anzu exchanged slightly awkward glances, Akehoshi and Yuuki had be shut for good, the former blinking furiously and the second staring with a distraught expression and agape mouth.

“W-wait, really?! L-like, collapsed-collapsed?!”

“Yes, that kind.”

“What the fuck Hokke.”

“Huh… Y-yeah, what h-he – what Akehoshi said,” Yuuki added with a tiny, clearly confused laugh.

He scratched the back of his head. This was making him maybe more nervous than the entire process of making that cancelled presentation…

“I don’t exactly remember much from it.”

“Let me do that recap for you then,” Isara suddenly chimed in. “Friday night, you went into a café, realized you picked the wrong one, ordered an espresso at eleven in the evening, passed out on Anzu who was supposed to close the shop, and she tended to you for most of Saturday afterwards.” (Did he have to mention that? He could see Anzu growing red as he said that). “I think that’s all you need to know guys!”

Hokuto wanted to bury his face in his hands and disappear right here and there; alas, miracles didn’t exist, did they.

“You do look much better than when I last saw you, though, Hokuto!” Isara resumed the conversation.

“Mao is right! You really do look better, I promise,” Anzu added, and if it wasn’t his fever coming back, then he didn’t think he’d like to acknowledge what it was. “You still look a little tired though, are you sure you should be attending class right away?”

“It’s only a couple of lectures, nothing I can’t pull through.”

“…Do I need to remind you that you said that about your presentation too, Hokuto…?”

That made Yuuki jolt in place.

“Wait, you ran yourself sick just for that presentation?!”

“Unlike what Isara is saying, it’s not just that presentation.”

“Speaking of that presentation, Makoto, do you remember for what subject it was?”

“I think it was for the History class. I mostly remember the prof looking kind of pissed…”

“So that was the subject this was for! Hokuto didn’t quite remember it and I was curious.”

“Wait, Hokke, you didn’t remember that when Anzu asked?!”

“Man, Hidaka, you really must have been exhausted to the bone to forget something like that…”

Everyone was trying to kill him, especially Akehoshi’s barely contained amused giggling.

“Anzu, why did… That didn’t amuse you back there!”

She gave him a glance, suddenly much calmer, her smile dropping.

“That was because it meant there was a ton of problems on your end, Hokuto. Come on, do you think that was a normal thing?”

“I never said the opposite…”

“I know. I just try to make that amusing because, frankly, you scared us all to death, not just Mao and I.”

“Oh, yeah,” Akehoshi added, “you don’t even know how much Ukki and I asked about you for days! These two really wouldn’t tell us much even if they did!”

“Sorry for that again, guys. Hokuto really insisted on us not telling, or at least, he mumbled about that in his sleep…”

“I actually remember asking you that, Isara. I wasn’t entirely braindead.”

Akehoshi and Yuuki looked thoroughly confused. This was at least proof that they had successfully been kept out of the loop.

“Still,” Yuuki asked, “why didn’t you want us to know? We’re friends, aren’t we?”

“I don’t think you’d ever want to see what unfolded there.”

“Well duh! Of course we don’t wanna see you be sick beyond your mind or somethin’ Hokke! Anzu and Sally talk about it as if you were gonna die!”

“Plus, we’re friends. Isn’t the whole point of friendship to help each other out in times of need?”

“They’re right, Hokuto,” Isara completed their argument. “You were also helping your grandma at the time, right? The poor woman looked worried for your life back there!”

“This was merely me fulfilling my obligations as her grandson. Still, I suppose you are right. I obviously couldn’t have survived that alone.”

“I think we can all testify to that…” Isara seemed a little jaded, but nonetheless smiled again as he put his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “So, next time, don’t hesitate to call for us when you need help, ’kay? We really don’t want you to run yourself to the ground like that again!”

The three others hummed and nodded almost in unison. All he could react with was a sigh and a tiny smile (that was most likely not even visible on his stiff face).

“Lesson learnt.”

Their conversation eventually took its usual course, deviating (to his relief) to other topics. By the end of the main hallway, he found himself with only Anzu, the both of them heading towards different rooms almost facing each other.

“Ah, before I forget. Thank you very much for… all of this, Anzu. I don’t even want to know where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for you.”

“As much as I also don’t want to imagine that, I’d have said an ER. Again, really, Hokuto, you don’t need to thank me so politely! It’s a normal thing for friends to do. You’ve done that for me before, haven’t you?”

“That’s true…” (And these weren’t such good memories, as it mostly reminded him of bitter concern).

“Just avoid doing that next time you feel in a pinch, okay? I’m sure we’ll all be glad to help. I know I will…” Her voice trailed off and so did her eyes, looking in the distance. He naïvely started doing so as if someone or something would arrive.

“I’ll make sure to, then.”

They stared at each other, red, for a couple moments before Anzu snapped out of it first.

“Ah, sorry, my class starts real soon! See you around, Hokuto!”

“See you later then.”

As they went on their separate ways, he could only confirm something: if his heart was beating this profusely, it had to mean he had very clearly come down with another illness altogether. In hopes that, just like his collapse, Anzu could help him fix his own issues…

#enstars #hokuan #anzu (enstars)#hidaka hokuto #akehoshi subaru #isara mao #yuuki makoto #hurt comfort #humor #fluff #recovery #au: college #otp: konpeito chou cream #brotp: shining ensemble #fic: nurse cafe

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aeneidpdf · 5 years

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ballpark au (3/?)

title: go home happy

chapter: 3/?

word count: 2.8k+

summary: au where the long walkers work at a ballpark. in this chapter, ray finishes up his first homestand and works his second. he wonders where he’ll fit in at the ballpark.

link to previous chapter: here

ao3 link: here

The next morning, Ray’s feet had hurt. Davidson was right about that. As he had gone to sleep the night before, his feet had been throbbing, and now he could barely put any weight on them as he tried to get out of bed.

Despite the pain he was feeling, Ray was feeling good about the job. He finished up that first three game series at Gate C. The second game, he scanned tickets, and he didn’t enjoy it. Scanning paper tickets was one thing, but scanning tickets on people’s phone screens was next to impossible for Ray. He kept on asking Davidson for help, which he happily provided.

The third game, Ray did traffic cop. Traffic cop really was more difficult than bowls, but Ray would never say that to Pearson. Controlling the crowd was hard, and Ray didn’t think he’d done a good job, but Scramm seemed pleased with him.

When he sent him home that night, Scramm had clapped him on the back. “You fit in nicely here, Ray. I hope to see you around,” he had said as he wrote Ray’s dismissal time down on his clipboard. It meant more to Ray than he thought it would.

On Thursday, they had the day off. Ray appreciated the break. His whole body hurt. His feet throbbed and his back ached from standing for so long in one place. Three games at Hadlock Park had turned him into an old man.

When he went back in to work on Friday, it was the start of a new series. The Sea Dogs would be playing on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday before heading off for two series in the midwest. Ray knew from experience that these weekend series were when the ballpark got the most busy. He had frequently come to Friday and Saturday night games with his friends in high school.

As Ray headed to the locker room, he already found that he recognized some people. People from Gate C, people he had seen as he took his break in the picnic area, people who had waved to Pearson and Harkness as they walked by the gate before the game had started. It felt good to know people. They didn’t know Ray now, but maybe soon they would. He wanted more than anything to find a place in the ballpark where he belonged.

After putting his things in his locker, he went to the office, like he had on Monday. “Ray Garraty,” he said, holding up his ID badge so the man could see his name.

It was the same man from before, with the light blond hair and funny purple sneakers. He scanned the list before him, flipping through the stapled packet before he found Ray’s name. “Upper two,” the man said, and Ray left to go to his position. Upper two was on the upper deck. Section 340 to Section 380. He was excited as he took the escalator up. Upper two meant he would be an usher.

Ray had wanted to be an usher when he first applied to work at Hadlock in January. Most of the questions in his interview had seemed to be geared towards him becoming an usher. They had asked if he was scared of heights and how he would handle disputes between fans. Ray had admittedly been a bit disappointed when he ended up at Gate C for his first series.

But now he would be an usher. Ushers seemed to have the most fun. When he had come to games in the past, he hadn’t paid much attention to the ushers, but they had always been smiling and friendly, ready to help out. As an usher, he’d really get to feel like he was a part of Hadlock.

He wanted to wipe down seats and talk with the fans and watch the game. He wanted to feel the anticipation leading up to first pitch. He wanted to watch the sun set over downtown Portland and to feel like he really was part of putting on something special. He wanted his own section.

His assignment in upper two was not what Ray had anticipated, however. They already had all the ushers they needed, and Ray was in fact the only member of the flex staff working there for that series. So the team leader assigned him to work the escalator. He greeted people as they came up the escalator to the upper deck, pointed them in the directions of their seats, and made sure no one fell. He got a radio, in case he needed to call for first aid.

It was a Friday, and Fridays were student nights. With a student ID, they could purchase $7 tickets in section 370 to 380. Some of them stumbled up the escalator steps, clearly already having had a couple of drinks. Ray kept his hand near the button that would stop the escalator, fearful that someone may fall. They talked to each other in loud voices, shouting and laughing uproariously. Despite the chill in the air, many of them wore short sleeves and the girl wore denim cutoff shorts. They hardly acknowledged Ray as they got off the escalator and went off to find their seats.

Ray panicked for a moment, wondering if he would see anyone he knew coming up the escalator. A lot of the people that went to his college hailed from either Portland or Bangor, and most of the people from his high school would be back in town after the end of the spring semester. It wasn’t that he was ashamed to be working at the ballpark- in fact, so far it was probably the coolest thing he’d ever done- but he felt a little embarrassed about working the escalator.

This thought slipped out of his mind as he refocused on greeting the fans and helping them find the direction of their seats.

After two and a half hours at the escalator, the crowd thinned out and Ray was mostly alone. The chatter on the radio kept him alert- missing kids, calls for first aid, communication between the gates. A couple times he heard Scramm’s voice.

It was hard not to feel disappointed, though. There was a TV nearby playing the game, but no matter how hard Ray strained to see the screen, he had no clue what inning it was or what the score was. The team leader had come to check on him a little bit in the beginning, but Ray hadn’t seen him for awhile.

When he looked behind him, Ray could see the skyline of downtown Portland. The sun was going down- it had disappeared behind a building. The sky above him was still a light blue, but in the distance, out over the water, it was turning a mix of pink and red and orange. The intersection of blue and pink reminded him of the cotton candy the ballpark vendors sold. Even from out here, the ballpark was beautiful.

Ray wanted to be in the seating bowl so bad, though. It felt like high school sports and being stuck on the bench when all he wanted was to be in the game with his teammates. Ray had always been the kind of person who hated to miss out. In high school, he’d beg and plead with his parents to let him go hang out with his friends, because he was afraid they’d have too much fun without him, or he wouldn’t understand any of their inside jokes the next time they were all together. In college, he’d put off studying to go hang out whenever his friends invited him. He’d gotten himself into trouble this way, but he couldn’t help that desire to be at the center of the action.

So far he hadn’t seen the field during game time. He’d only seen the stripe of green through the hallway that led out to the seating bowl when he’d been up at Gate C. He thought of Pearson and Harkness. Surely they were out in the bowl by now.

He wondered why Davidson never went out into the bowl. He wondered if he liked to stay at the gate for the entire game, or if he felt the same restlessness that Ray was feeling. It felt like hitting a wall.

The rest of the series passed in a similar fashion.

He came into work, feeling that gameday energy building and blossoming in his chest. When we walked with his coworkers to the locker room to clock in and when he headed to his post, listening to the music resounding around the ballpark as the team warmed up, he felt like his energy was too big for his body. But then his team leader would assign him to the escalator, and the rest of upper two would head into the seating bowl, and Ray would feel himself deflate.

Occasionally his team leader would come out to chat with him, and one of the ushers would come and cover for him while he took his break, but working the escalator was lonely. In the first couple of hours between the time when gates opened and the second inning, he kept busy with greeting fans and pointing them in the direction of their seats, but as the game dragged on, it grew dull.

It did, however, give him time to think. He reflected on his time at Hadlock so far. By this point, it was Sunday, and he had worked six games. He was about to finish up his first homestand.

He thought about the advice Davidson had given him on his first day, about how it was best to find a permanent position early. About how it was no fun to be on the flex staff in July. So far, Ray really did like his job, but he hadn’t found a place that truly clicked for him yet. He wondered if he truly liked it, or if it was just the novelty of coming to work at Hadlock Park. Maybe he only liked it because it was new and cool and exciting, and after he spent some more time here and it got hot he’d be miserable. He hoped that wasn’t the case.

He wondered if he would ever find the job in the ballpark that he truly enjoyed. How did Harkness and Pearson realize that Gate C was the right place for them? How did they find out that traffic cop and bowls were what they really wanted to do? Ray supposed he should have asked them.

During the seventh inning stretch, the escalator switched from going up to going down. The guy working at the bottom of the escalator gave him a thumbs up, and Ray started letting fans down. He guessed that the Sea Dogs were losing- he hadn’t heard many cheers, and a lot of people were lined up at his escalator to return down to the lower concourse.

It was still early May, and even in the afternoon it could be pretty chilly. Most of the fans were wearing long pants and light jackets over their Sea Dogs gear.

“Thank you for coming. Have a good night,” Ray said, repeating this script over and over as fans passed him to leave the upper deck. On Sundays, there were a lot of kids at the ballpark- more than any other day of the week. For most, the school year hadn’t ended yet, so there weren’t too many kids on weeknights, and on Fridays and Saturdays it was mostly adults and college kids coming out to the ballpark to drink and have a good time.

Ray spent a lot of time asking parents to take their kids off their shoulders before getting on the escalator, and telling them that their child couldn’t ride down the escalator in a stroller. Some of the kids were asleep, cradled against their parents’ chests, and some were full of energy, running circles around their parents in line and begging to stay for just a few more innings. Some of the kids waved to Ray, and he smiled and waved back to them.

It continued like that for awhile. From the bottom of the seventh inning to the time the game ended, there was a steady stream of fans leaving the upper deck. Before he knew it, the team leader and the rest of upper two were convening at the escalator, and it was time for them to go home. “Alright team, good homestand, I’ll see you back in a week.” They started down the escalator. As an afterthought, the team leader added, “And thanks, Ray.” They all talked amongst themselves as they walked to the locker room, sometimes including Ray, but oftentimes not. As Ray clocked out and walked to his car, he was hoping he’d never work in upper two again.

It was another week before the Sea Dogs were back in town. This time, they’d be in town for seven games, and Ray would be working seven days in a row.

The first series was three games, and for this one Ray worked at Gate E. It was on the other side of the ballpark from Gate C. At Gate E, Ray only scanned tickets. He got a little bit better, but it was still difficult. The fans would approach him, and Ray would say, “Hey, how are you doing?” and pray they didn’t have an electronic ticket. He would scan their ticket- getting it on the first or second try if he was lucky- and he would tell them “enjoy the game!” It was a routine he fell into comfortably over the three games at Gate E.

The boy scanning tickets next to him was named Percy. He looked like he was still in high school, but his name tag said “Team member since 2017.” This was his third year, and he scanned tickets like a pro. Ray oftentimes asked him for help. They would talk a bit when the crowd lulled, but Percy was shy, and it felt a little weird to ask for advice about Hadlock from a high schooler.

After his break, he would either hang out by Gate E and scan tickets for late comers to the ballpark, or he’d be sent on smoke patrol. Smoke patrol meant he’d walk around the entirety of the lower concourse and look for people smoking. He’d then ask them to put their cigarette out and go to the smoking section. He didn’t mind smoke patrol too much. It felt good to walk around and stretch his legs after standing in one spot for so long, and he was freed from the anxiety that came with scanning tickets. As he made his loop he would walk past Gate C, and one time he could see Davidson standing by the gate, chatting with Scramm. Neither of them noticed him, but it made him feel a little lighter just to see them.

For the next four game series, he worked at the smoking section. The smoking section was technically outside of the ballpark, and blocked off from the outside world by red bike racks. Working at the smoking section, Ray just had to stand around and make sure no one without a ticket snuck into the smoking section and walk around to make sure no one was smoking weed.

The cigarette smoke tickled his nose and made him sneeze. After each game he worked at the smoking section, he’d go home, and the smell of smoke on his clothes would scare his mother. She’d become worried and frantically interrogate him about whether he’d been smoking cigarettes. His father would be sitting in his armchair drinking a beer, saying he knew Ray would fall in with the wrong sorts, working at the ballpark. Ray didn’t even know how to begin unpacking that statement, but he’d calmly assure his mother that he hadn’t been smoking, and he’d give her a kiss on the cheek, and he’d go up to bed.

The rest of the workers at the smoking section didn’t seem to mind the smell and the smoke, or maybe they were used to it. They all stood together in a clump and talked, occasionally separating to do a loop through the smoking section and check in on the fans. Ray stood with them, listening to them talking and laughing along at their jokes.

They had that same kind of camaraderie that he had admired in Pearson and Harkness. Maybe working at the ballpark wasn’t about finding a job you loved. Maybe it was about finding the right place and the people that made you feel at home. Working in the smoking section wasn’t anything particularly fun or glamorous, but all the core people seemed to enjoy it. Maybe they loved each other, and that’s what made them love the job.

#ballpark au #the long walk #my fic #ray garraty

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devinclaire · 5 years

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Cancer New Moon Solar Eclipse Horoscope

All Times Are Pacific Daylight Time

Cancer New Moon Solar Eclipse, Tuesday, July 2nd at 12:16 pm

Happy birthday season to you! This is going to be a big birthday year. No matter what age you’re turning when an Eclipse takes place in the same zodiac season as your birthday, prepare for things to change!

Fast forward to birthday season 2020 for a moment. You’re going to be a completely different person than you are currently. The process begins now. The best thing for you to do at this time is to embrace the change. The Eclipse energy is taking you with it whether you’re ready or not (hint: you’re ready even if you don’t feel like you’re ready).

There’s a very good chance that this change has something to do with the love department as Venus travels into your sign the day after the New Moon Solar Eclipse on Wednesday, July 3rd. You can’t beat the Sun, Moon, North Node, and Venus all in your sign at once. If love is coming into your life it will feel warm and comforting, like a fuzzy blanket that’s cozy yet decadent because it’s trimmed with faux fur (I like to keep it animal friendly with these horoscopes!).

If it’s not romantic love that you seek, still go toward that warm fuzzy feeling. It can still serve you well in matters of business and wealth.

Virgo Waxing Crescent Moon, Saturday, July 6th at 9:49 pm

This is a lovely Moon for planting details. Watch them grow into full functioning concepts by the end of your birthday Moon cycle. The more specific you can get the better.

Don’t be intimidated by the upcoming Mercury Retrograde. Mercury is Virgo’s cardinal planet. The more you honor Virgo with details and plans of how you will reach your desires, the more you appease Mercury and therefore ease the Retrograde energy. Sometimes when you’ve been struggling with something during a direct Mercury, the Mercury Retrograde energy is exactly what you need to find solutions.

Mercury Retrograde officially begins on Sunday, July 7th. Taking place in your House of worth and wealth. This is a prime time to reflect on things you feel obligated to do that don’t bring you joy- your job, family, and love life, perhaps? Things that currently don’t make you feel warm and fuzzy. What are the reasons behind this? What can you do differently to change these situations?

Mercury Retrograde is a great time to try on different versions of your own life and see how they fit. It’s especially opportune for you as your birthday season is a wonderful time for new beginnings.

No matter what your actual birth date during Cancer season make a wish on Monday, July 8th. Uranus blows Venus a kiss from your House of hopes and dreams creating a potent atmosphere for lovely things to happen.

Libra First Quarter Moon, Tuesday, July 9th at 3:55 am

Today the Moon floats through your favorite House of family and things that happen in the kitchen. It’s a nice day to bake yourself a birthday cake, just please don’t stop there, it’s also a day of destiny. The Sun is right next to the Node of Fate. You won’t have this energy again for another 19 years. Use it to your advantage. This has something to do with the reason why you came back to live this lifetime. If there was ever a moment to listen to your soul and walk in that direction, this is it!

Take note that this destiny may involve making a commitment to your partner. Don’t be surprised if you move in with a lover, or there’s a surprise proposal after your dinner date tonight. Congratulations!

However, you may want to keep quiet about it until the last day of the month when Mercury goes direct before you tell too many people. It will be like you’ve been proposed to twice which will satisfy the Retrograde energy.

You may also finally step away from someone who’s been too controlling of your life for too long. Keep in mind they may rear their fangs come Leo season next month, but by then you’ll be rested enough, having released their fangs from your neck, to take on this lion. You’re a gladiator with an exit strategy out of the Colosseum onto to a road of adventure of your own choosing.

Again, love is going deep on Wednesday, July 10th. This may be a night where you decide if you’re in, or you’re out of a torrid love affair. Is there depth to this affair, or is it just fire? This is a good time to do deep soul work either together, or apart, to eventually soulfully come together in August after Mercury Retrograde.

You’re switching to the theme of abundance on Thursday, July 11th. You may be struck with an anger from the way you’ve been treated in the past, and how this wounded your sense of self. You’re sick and tired of being sick and tired, and you’re willing to fight for a sense of self that makes you feel light. This also may come as a flash of money from a business deal, especially if you’ve recently presented to a group on something you enjoy.

Scorpio Waxing Gibbous Moon, Thursday, July 11 at 12:33 pm

Something to keep in mind- while others may see you as floaty and full of fun, you’re actually a person who enjoys deep conversations on the daily. Being that it’s Mercury Retrograde it’s a really good time to have a deep conversation with someone who usually avoids going deep. Perhaps an Aries or Libra you’ve been meaning to talk to?

On Sunday, July 14th you’re being asked to transform in the name of love. It’s tricky, your birthday season is about you, but with the energy in your sign versus the energy in Capricorn you’re finding that the ones you feel closet to make a big difference in who you are as a person. Go toward this new version of you where you incorporate the type of love, family relationships, and best friendships that feel transformative. Let go of the rest.

Capricorn Full Moon Lunar Eclipse, Tuesday, July 16th

A night to let go of those people and things you consider your enemies. While you can’t go out under the light of the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse and slay these people in the streets, you can let them wither in your mind.

Really focus on those who bring you love and joy rather than those who try and steal it away. Vicious attention seekers are so incapable of tending to their own souls their only respite is to nestle in the minds of others as squatters. When you focus your mind on things that bring you joy- friends gathering in a living room recently decorated with crystals, being in the kitchen making dinner for someone you love while they sip a beverage at the counter and tell you about their day, it leaves little to no space for the intruders.

Does this positive thinking sound like hard work? It is! The best things aren’t always easy. This is why you use the power of the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse to release the things that no longer suit you. The Eclipse energy adds an oomph that you don’t want to waste. The Moon is cheering for you to nurture yourself.

Dreams of a faraway place may be coming more into focus on Thursday, July 18th. Plan a trip that you can take at the end of January 2020. It would be an excellent time to go and see family for Chinese New Year, or go to get a deal on tickets as it’s after the December holiday rush and Martin Luther King Jr. weekend.

The next day, Friday, July 19th Mercury who is still Retrograde travels back into your sign. You may start spitting prophecy. Try and write it down for your own use, or speak it to those who you know will contemplate your words and put them into action in their own lives. This is also a good time for reflection for you.

How appropriate that on the last day of your birthday season on Sunday, July 21st, you’re invited to complete a spiritual transformation that’s been developing this entire year and only intensified this past month.

Think of yourself as the butterfly pushing out of the chrysalis. It may be scary to emerge as a new being in the world, but so most definitely worth it. We all want to bask in your beauty.

Pisces Waning Gibbous Moon, Monday, July 22nd at 1:34 am

The waning Moon encourages you to make a final birthday wish.

The Sun then travels away from your sign and into Leo. This isn’t a bad thing, all the inner work you’ve done is finally working as the Sun warms up your House of self-worth and abundance. You’re feeling better about becoming more and more of yourself.

The upcoming Leo New Moon is a great one for beginning a business venture, especially when it has something to do with your passions. If you’ve enjoyed the Mercury Retrograde energy, start it the day after the New Moon. If you’ve been less than thrilled with the Retrograde energy wait for few more days until you feel the energy cool down.

Taurus Last Quarter Moon, Wednesday, July 24th at 6:18 pm

It’s a nice day to cuddle up with a good friend, go out for a low-key birthday tea to spill the tea and get caught up. You’re feeling good about yourself and find that you can connect, get the dish, and still leave the meet-up with your integrity.

You’re expanding in some way in the workplace on Thursday, July 25th. It’s something that’s been overdue for some time now, and it’s finally coming to you during Mercury Retrograde. If you do get a “no” where you wanted a “yes”, try the question again in late September. The energies at play will have brewed for you to get what you desire at that time.

Gemini Waning Crescent Moon, Saturday, July 27th at 7:16 am

You’re feeling extra psychic, and definitely able to hear the thoughts of others today. You notice the duplicity of when they speak and what you know they’re thinking. The Moon floats through your sign and everyone’s feeling chatty. This might be a nice time to listen and get a sense of what’s on everyone’s mind.

Venus also dances toward the fire, entering Leo. If you were feeling abundant during your birthday season, watch out now! This is abundance mixed with passion. If this manifests quickly into your life, be grateful, if this is already your current state be grateful, if you’re hoping to use this energy to manifest hold how grateful you’ll feel for this abundance when it comes in, keep your heart steady and watch all this goodness fall into your lap. Be grateful, be grateful, be grateful.

Keep this feeling fresh by stoking the flames often. Do your upcoming Leo New Moon ritual around this feeling of abundance. With the Retrograde energy it may surprise you in what form it appears to you. Just know that it’s coming.

#Horoscopes #Cancer Season #Solar Eclipse #New Moon Social Club #Cancer

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thinkingback-movingforward · 5 years

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2017

Sunday. May 21, 2017.

I'm here again. I'm finally here, it took a while, but I'm back. I've felt alright a few times, but this time it's different. I honestly feel good vibes emitting from my personal aura. There's no exact reason for it either. I can't pinpoint a moment within the past two days that changed my mood around drastically, but I'm not complaining. I want to stay like this, if not forever, at least for a little while longer.

Monday. May 29, 2017.

*news update

This past week I reconnected with Jean Urbano. It's honestly been a great week. The best week of the year, by far. Fun. Laughs. Drinks. Bikes. Sweet. Drunk. Bittersweet. These are the words that come to my mind right now; also, "strictly platonic".

I keep thinking to myself, what if? What if I wasn't being weird and stupid and we became close before? We're literally neighbors, like 4 houses down. I probably would've seen her every day or every other day. I regret that. Maybe we could've been something. Maybe not. Maybe she would've pushed me to be someone great. Maybe not. Maybe she would've ended up being the one. Maybe not.

But she is a catch. If you have someone like her, keep her.

I've always had a crush on her. I've always liked how she dressed. Her laugh is cute. She fucking bikes, like come on fam. She's still the same as before. Just better, obviously.

At least we're friends again.

Thursday. June 1, 2017.

You're the only reason I'm regretting this move. You're the only reason I want to stay on this block, three houses away. I've had all these years, but only realized how good I could've had it, now that's it's too late.

Friday. June 2, 2017.

I'm trying to find solace in romantic films, but I think it's having the opposite effect.

*update*

After hearing Jean's amazing surprise story, I'm starting to feel a bit better. She is an amazing woman, and an amazing girlfriend and Jose is lucky to have her. They are both lucky to have and, they definitely, deserve each other.

Wednesday. June 7, 2017.

Technically, it's the next day as I'm writing this.

She came over, exhausted from the night before she rested after we talked a little bit. We were supposed to do work.

She said she could feel herself starting to get sick. Her throat hurt and her body ached. All I wanted to do was take care of her. I wanted to cuddle with her and rest with her, but I can't.

I made her some tea, got her water, and put on music. I thought listening to her favorite band would make her feel better. And as much as I tried to, I couldn't sleep.

As we lay, at one point she woke up. We started talking again. About life and us and little jokes here and there. When I'm with her, I have all this energy. I have to be completely exhausted to fall asleep with her there.

I tried my hardest all night. I didn't touch her. I didn't comfort her. I stayed my distance. She would turn to her side, head rested on her arm and look at me as I did the same. I can't help but smile when I look at her. That image, what I would do to wake up to that very same image of her every morning. If she could be the first and last thing I see every day and night, I would be the happiest guy in the world.

If I could ever have her, I would never let her go.

At the very last half hour before she left, it happened. Nothin wild or sexual, she moved closer to me and as our elbows overlapped, we got closer and I spooned her. I was trying to contain myself all night, but I'm glad I got to embrace her again.

I finally got to feel the warmth of her body again. I got to feel our fingers, intertwining and mingling. I could feel my heart race, just by being closer to her. I wonder if she could feel my breath on her neck, or how nervous and excited she makes me feel. I wanted to kiss her so badly. I don't even think she knows I didn't particularly mean on the lips either. That whole night, I was thinking when would be a good time to kiss her forehead, but I never got to do it.

I wonder if this is real. Is this love?

I've only ever felt like this one other time.

Then why do I feel like I don't fit in to her story.

I want to say, I love her. But how can I even say that? I wonder if she feels the same way... how can I love someone when we just reconnected two weeks ago. Why is this so natural. Why do I feel so at ease around her. Why is she so fucking awesome. Why am I not?

It's hard for me to feel confident when she is an adult, has a degree, and a career? I don't even have my license... I haven't graduated... and I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

I feel I need to up my game a lot, even though I know deep down she doesn't care about all that, and she does care about me. Obviously she would want what's best for me but you know what I mean.

She never judged me.. how did I lose such an important person? I'm glad she's back. I'm glad she's back in my life, regardless of how bittersweet she makes me feel at times. I like grabbing food, and drinking, and playing games, and staying up late with her. I like her presence. I like her petite body, and thin hair. I like that she bikes and can keep up, or even be way ahead of me. I like how adventurous she is, although she is sometimes reckless. I like her awkward turtle posture, and her cat smile; which is funny because she has turtles and cats as pets. I like her banged up legs, she works hard and goes hard. I like that she's so charming, as you can see from all the people around her. I like her.

I love her.

Thursday. June 8, 2017.

How did she quickly become one of my favorite people? 10 years later, how everything has changed, yet nothing changed between us.

Saturday. June 10, 2017.

I hate you.

I love you.

I hate that I love you.

I HATE YOU

is what I want to say,

But I love you. Fuck me. I actually do love you.

Friday. June 16, 2017.

She dropped me home after a long day and had a great dinner. We were so full. I want to throw up.

But, she dropped me home and we stayed in the car a little bit. I stared at her as she stared at me. It sucks. I felt like she wanted to kiss me. I felt like she actually wanted me to kiss her, but I knew it wouldn't happen. I would've loved to kiss her. I wanted to brush her hair back and grab her head and kiss her. I wish she was mine, but at the same time I don't feel she belongs with me. Maybe it's my lack of self confidence. I feel like I'm not good enough for her. I wonder what she even sees in me, if she sees anything at all.

Regardless of everything, I love her, and I want her to be happy.

Saturday. June 17, 2017.

I'm not mentally strong. At all.

Why am I sitting in my closet, surrounded by darkness and faint music, tearing up at thoughts and feelings that I chose myself.

I'm hurting myself, actually. I can't blame her for anything.

I'm crying and I can't really pinpoint the exact reasons why.

"No matter what lies you tell yourself, you can't fool your own heart."

Sunday. June 18, 2017.

I guess, who I want is, someone that can make me be goofy and carefree and not care about what everyone else is thinking of me, as I laugh with her and we're caught between each other's gazes, living in the moment.

*update

I invited Jean over to a family friend barbecue. I'm not really sure what I was thinking haha. Obviously the only reason you invite someone else over of the opposite sex is if you're seeing them and that's not what is happening here. I see her, a lot actually, but I'm not dating her. I would love to though. I maybe even love her. I just know I can't deny how I feel when I look at her. I feel bittersweet, parts of happiness and parts of sadness.

Monday. June 19, 2017.

It suddenly started pouring and thundering. All I'm picturing is us running through the rain, laughing and having fun; then showering together, and then getting all cozy on the couch wrapped up in a big comforter.

You. I wish I could do that with you. I wish you would have these thoughts of doing cute shit with me also, but...

I'm starting to reach that point where it does bother me when she mentions his name and shit, but that's her boyfriend so.

Tuesday. June 20, 2017.

It's technically Tuesday, it's 12:37 AM.

I wish you would call me, and even if we run out of things to say, you would lay there in the silence as we fall asleep.

Jose is lucky, or maybe I'm unlucky, or maybe this is God's plan. Maybe he thinks she can impact me in a non significant other type way, or maybe he is cynical and wanted to show me what I missed out on.

I hate you because I love you.

Thursday. June 22, 2017.

I didn't get to write about it, but Tuesday was an awesome night. I think it was greatly contrasted by my terrible day, leading to a more awesome night.

My friend, Juan, invited me to be part of ENI's entourage. ENI is an upcoming star! Her single Kissing in the Dark Is already so popular, but I digress.

By going to the event, I met a lot of cool people, such as Laura, Arthur, Pat, and ENI herself. I think it's cool what creatives do and how they're all so different, but all hustle to do something more with their lives. I want to be like them. I want to be part of the creative world. All I need to do is act upon what I want to do.

Tuesday. July 18, 2017.

It's been a while. I guess things are okay. I still love her. My feelings are there. Every time I see her. Every single small conversation we have, even the meaningless ones aren't meaningless at all.

I guess I'm more understanding and I just don't want to be hung up on someone that I can't end up with. But I love her, and I love that she is back in my life. She's a great person, and an amazing friend.

Thursday. July 27, 2017.

Jean. Why are you at my house?

Why did you call me and drive to me just because Jose was already asleep? Why didn't you just go home? Why did you sleep here? Maybe because to 'get some work done' which you didn't do since you were drunk from Angelo's birthday dinner.

I just want to know why.

Why am I not trying to lay down in bed with you right now? Why am I forcing myself to not kiss you right now? These are questions with answers. I don't have any for my questions. (Well, I'm lying. I know you said if you went home you would not have gotten the papers graded, but to be fair, I wrote this whole thing before we graded the papers)

Do you like me? Do you like our friendship? Do you like taking care of me? Do I love you?

I do. I love you.

Sunday. July 30, 2017.

Party. Biking. Fountain. Ticket.

I love her.

I kind of know she doesn't, and I can't help but think I'm fucking weird.

It hurts.

It's been a while since I laughed and had fun in a fountain, I think two years. Was it worth freezing afterwards and getting a $30 ticket because I didn't realize I was supposed to say no to having my ID? It was worth every second and every cent.

*update

"Everyone has had hard experiences in their life. We have to go forward, loving ourselves as a whole, including our weaknesses."

Wednesday. August 9, 2017.

It's been a while since I wrote anything. As of right now I'm currently facetiming with Jean. We do this from time to time, just facetiming whenever she has the time to; either when she's driving or late at night or shopping at Walmart.

I enjoy these times with her. It's hard not to look at her and just want to smile.

Bury these feelings deep down, and love her as a friend.

Thursday. August 10, 2017.

24 inches. 18 inches. 6 inches. Those are the different amounts of distances between both of our lips as we lay on the couch watching the movie.

I so badly wanted to just grab her hand, or grab her face and kiss her. I want to so bad. But...

She just left. Last night was great. It was the first time we rode our new bikes together. I missed biking with her. I miss the feeling. I miss living closer to her.

We saw The Lobster, which was a lot more surprising than I thought. It was definitely an unexpected movie in a good way. I like sharing a couch with her, there's something about having her next to me.

I am lowkey, probably not lowkey for her, trying to win this challenge. I want to go out with her for dinner and drinks, if she lets me redeem that prize.

I wish I could at least have the drumroll. When the mood seemed alright, I would grab her and look at her and go for it, but slowly, as I approach closer and closer to lips, and right before they touch, we stop.

Friday. August 11, 2017.

It happened. I didn't expect it to be like this or for it to happen like this, but it happened. We need to stop talking.

Jean told Jose I was in love with her, which after reading my previous notes, is fair. I am in love with her.

But now we can't talk. I'm not really sure yet how I feel about it besides that it's shitty, and this sucks and I FUCKING HATE IT.

I love talking to her, even about miscellaneous things. I like telling her about my day. I like hearing about hers. I like being emotional with her. I love that I'm about 97% always smiling when I'm with her or talking to her. I feel like I'm losing a big part of me, and our silence hasn't happened yet.

I don't know if I'll last. I don't think my feelings for her will ever go away. They will always be there. I wish my feelings weren't an inconvenience, but to be honest, I like that she knows how I feel about her.

I shared my notes about her over the past two and a half months, after some

nagging and persuasion. I don't regret sharing them, although I thought I would at first. I simply watched her as she was reading through my notes. I'm not entirely sure how she feels about all of them. All I saw were tears and that it's all so heartbreaking.

I'm currently facetiming with her, but she fell asleep. Honestly I'm surprised she even lasted this long. She deserves a good night's rest.

She is beautiful. She always looks beautiful. It's not even my skewed vision of how I see her, she is just naturally beautiful.

I know she feels Jose is her grand finale, but then why do I feel like she's mine? Is is wrong to feel that way? If I ever, ever, EVER, had a chance to be hers. I WOULD NEVER FUCKING LET GO.

I feel like this is all just my bullshit selfish brain talking now.

I'm glad she's happy. I'm glad she feels Jose is her 'one' because it's not everyday that people feel that. If you're ever lucky enough to have that feeling, go for it. I want her to be happy and I know she wants me to be happy, which is probably why she blames herself and she feels selfish and sort of an asshole. I don't blame her at all, for anything. These feelings are my feelings and I love her.

But what can you do?

Also, since I shared my notes with her. I kind of want to move them back, but I kind of also want to leave them there, incase she wants to go back and read them anytime, during our silence.

I don't think she knows the power and effect she has on me, not only physical and emotionally, but mentally.

I don't think anyone that I truly care about knows how much they affect me.

I have no energy. I had no real appetite earlier. I had no motivation to go to the gym. I hope it's just today. I don't want to let Jean down, but I also don't want to let myself down. I want to prove that she has made a positive impact. She won't be like everyone else in my life. I knew she this would have to come eventually, not being able to talk all the time, I just need to try my best and not let it affect me too much.

I'm stronger now, and I'd like to think she has affected me within these past few months.

Saturday. August 12, 2017.

I got a photo from Jean. That surprised me, but I was so happy. First of all, I don't have any pictures of her, like at all. Second, she looks so bomb! Oooo that blue velvet (?), I always forget what type of material that is, dress is fire! She got cuuuuurves!

*update

I wake up and get a text from her saying, "I broke my arm."

LIKE, WHAT? YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT AND NOTHIN ELSE.

I hope she's okay.. how did she break her arm?! What..

I hope she's okay...

*update, she's fine

*update

I just left Nina's Body and Pole party. It was great, and definitely a different experience.

I don't know why I'm like this, but so can't seem to be normal. I tried, but I felt like I was trying to avoid Jean and Jose. I hate when I can feel and notice what I'm doing. She probably feels the same way, knowing that I was kind of avoiding them.

It's hard. I knew it was hard before, but I guess I didn't reallly see them together, that much, before. But it makes sense, the two don't really know Nina so it's obvious they would stick together.

(Side note: Jose and Jean were killing it out there to be honest!)

I kind of wanted to stay with them and have fun, but I also kind of wanted to leave the group. But here I am now, on a train to Edison.

Monday. August 14, 2017.

I don't feel all there, I feel like I'm mentally regressing again...

I feel like I'm struggling, with something inside me. I just don't know what it is.

P.s. the rug was obviously sold out. I'm stupid.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm here in the middle of the food court in Jersey Gardens, eating this combo that I shouldn't have bought, and I feel like crying.

What is wrong with me..

Tuesday. August 15, 2017.

Yesterday was a great night. I actually had a heart to heart with Alfredo, finally. I also opened up a bit more to Jean, I feel like, emotionally. I feel that she's getting to know me more and more on a personal level from all our interactions, talks, and my notes. I'm not the best at confrontation, but it does feel nice to be bare and vulnerable, especially to someone that truly cares about you.

I cried, a bit much actually. I truly do appreciate my friends who let me cry, because sometimes I just can't hold it. I was always made fun of by my dad about how easily I cried when I was younger, so I try not to. Sometimes I get deep in my thoughts and they just come out.

We went out for drinks, and it was great to hang out with our trio again. I did miss Alfredo. We also met some cool people throughout the night. The rain killed our bike adventure, but I don't know if Jean would've lasted to be honest. (lol)

But she dropped me home, and I always like it when she stays over. I love when we're gazing at each other. I never know what she's thinking as she does, but I enjoy the moment.

I also got to hold her hand while we layed, not together obviously, I'm on the ground, but that got me happy as fuck.

Any physical touch we share, I appreciate. Whether it's a light hit when I mention her white frames or olympics, to her light caress of my face.

Sometimes I feel she's so close to me, yet so far away.

Wednesday. August 16, 2017.

I'm so impulsive lol.

I just bought a Saturday Afropunk ticket for Jean. This time I get to be with her the whole time! I'm excited.

Saturday. August 19, 2017.

I miss her.

I wonder if she misses me too.

It's only been a few days though.

What qualifies as needy?

I wish she would've just said to come downtown at 12. I would've gotten ready and came downtown so fast. Then she says she was denied permission...

Whatever that means.

I want to see her. I want to be in her presence right now. Not some awkward small talk presence, but our regular good vibes presence.

*update

Why don't I feel good right now?

I feel kind of...

I'm losing energy. I feel weak. I need a recharge.

*update

Who would have thought a nail cutter would make me upset? I guess it's just my low energy and stress right now contributing to the situation.

My dad was cleaning and I thought he put everything in my room, even this nail cutter, but it wasn't the right one. I ask him where's the nail cutter with the giraffe part and he says he didn't see it.

I get upset as I'm looking everywhere for it. Why do I even get upset? I would say it's because it's Jean's. She let me borrow it before, and I just never returned it. I guess, seeing as I don't have her, I like to hold on to anything that's a part of her.

At least I found it.

Am I going crazy?...

Sunday. August 20, 2017.

I'm eating McDonald's... I guess it's fine to back track once in a while. If I had a choice I wouldn't have but it's fine.

I hope she's having a fun time upstate! It sounds like a really fun time.

*update

I still think about her all the time. I wish we could go out into a sunflower field and dance under the sun.

Monday. August 21, 2017.

I don't know how to express into words how I'm feeling.

Wednesday. August 23, 2017.

I biked home in the rain, again. This time was a bit harder than the previous one. I hope I don't get sick again.

The thing is, I don't even mind the rain. I guess it's the fact that I'm still alone under this rainfall. It feels cold, and even colder when I know I'm coming home to nothing.

But one day, she'll be there. Whoever she may be. Making every trip under the rain full of laughter and smiles, and we'll find comfort and warmth in each others' presence.

My dad.. I feel like he has no care for anything that's ours anymore, as long as the house is fucking clean. I'm not missing anything major, but they are things I fucking use. I hate not knowing where my own shit is in my own house.

My parents didn't fuck up or anything, I'm just not mentally strong enough.

But I do promise, to my future children, I will do such a great job, along with your mother. Love will flow throughout our family, along with honesty and forgiveness. I promise to do my very best.

Thursday. August 24, 2017.

She is so beautiful, and she doesn't even know it, or at least doesn't want to accept it.

I know, whoever I marry, when I see my future wife come out and walk down the aisle. I will cry, without a doubt.

And whoever she ends up with, if not me, then I would like to be invited to her wedding to at least be able to witness her in all her glory. She will be so beautiful, and happy, god she better be happy.

No matter what, I'll love you. I'll always love you.

Friday. August 25, 2017.

I think, I'm starting to get over my feelings; or at least just realizing that I shouldn't have them and it's stupid hurting myself.

I can't rely on her for happiness. I should create happiness within myself. I don't even know who I am.

I'm sorry. Do I regret everything that has happened this summer? Not at all, but I'm sorry.

They look great together.

I don't even want to feel hopeful. I'm not even trying to, but part of me still is. I just want to not be hopeful and forget those feelings and just be okay with them two. I want to be able to hang out with her without it being a problem, on like some gay best friend type shit.

Plus, like I said to myself, I don't FIT IN with her life. I just don't. Things should stay how they are now, except with maybe a bit more talking lol.

Saturday. August 26, 2017.

Afropunk: Saturday was a success! If I do say so myself. I'm hella lit right now, she's knocked out, and definitely full as fuck lol.

My dad loves Jean, (why wouldn't he?!) and I have other relatives over too, what a great situation lmao.

She's amazing. I'm glad she spent the day with me. Even though she couldn't say no anyway.

I'm happy.

Part of me was like, I want her so bad right now. Part of me was like, come on man what are you doing? Part of me was like, ah I'm sorry. Part of me was like, kiss her, KISS HER!

It's been a while though, since I got to sleep next to her, or since I got to embrace her body. I could feel the warmth of her breath, as I inhale her air. I spooned her, and it was great. I miss the feeling of our bodies touching.

I don't even know if I mentioned that we ate $40 in churros at Afropunk, 15 churros each, 30 total. I'm pretty sure we spent a lot of money, but I'm reckless. I don't even think about money when it comes to her.

THANK YOU FOR AN AWESOME TIME ❤️

I'm not ready to give her up. I don't know how that sounds. I'm not ready to give up these feelings for her. I want these feelings to remain as strong as they can be for as long as possible, to be honest. Am I crazy? Yes. Am I stupid? Yes. But that's me.

Sunday. August 27, 2017.

WORTH IT. EVERY SECOND OF THIS WEEKEND WAS WORTH IT. EVERY FAT INCREASING FOOD AND DRINK, THE SORE KNEES AND FEET, MY LOSS OF VOICE, EVERYTHING WAS WORTH. THANK YOU.

Monday. August 28, 2017.

Sometimes, I'm up at night and I don't know what I feel like doing. I don't feel like sleeping, I don't feel like watching YouTube or a movie, and I don't feel like eating, so I waste time doing whatever, and I don't even really know what I'm doing but actually wasting time.

I should just sleep.

I wish I had a recording of her voice. Not of even anything specific, just talking. She should record herself reading a book. Just the audio would be fine too. I would love to listen and fall asleep to her voice every night. It would be awesome if she did some ukulele covers too. Hearing her sing every night, I would sleep great all the time.

I hope when she reads this note, whenever that is, this gives her some ideas. Wink~

Please?

lol

I laugh because I already know your answer

*update

... nevermind

*update

I can't wait to reach that point where I fully understand Jean and I are just friends and Jose let's us hang out and she can come over whenever she pleases, and she'll be my best friend.

If that could ever happen. I wish.

Tuesday. August 29, 2017.

I want to do random or spontaneous things with you.

A DIY succulent date, how awesome does that sound?

But what are the chances, we can't even play tennis together...

I'm sorry that every time there's an event or I want to do something, I want to experience it with you.

Thursday. August 31, 2017.

Note to self

Jean's first day/night in Miami. She said "Craziest thing ever happened I gotta tell you the whole story".

Nevermind, she just told that crazy coincidence of a story. It just seems like she's always lucky. Gods are shining down on her haha.

I haven't slept yet, and it's 6:00 AM.

I highkey wish you were here with me, just staying up, smoking and laughing, while helping me fold my clothes.

*update

God! I'm just trying to see this fire ass two piece picture of Jean. LIKE COME ON GIRL, SEND IT TO ME. You read all my notes and my vulnerable side. I'M TRYING TO SEE THIS SEXY MOTHAFUCKIN' PICTURE OF HER!!!!!

Just send it to me so I can heart eyes emoji all over that motherfucker and drool a little bit.

*quick update

She sent me the photo. For some reason, I thought it'd be more scandalous lol.

I find her extremely attractive. She's like a perfect mix of cool, sexy, and derpy.

Wednesday. September 13, 2017.

I'm sorry. I'm so selfish...

Saturday. September 16, 2017.

Arveen and Thai are going to Surf City tonight for the last night of it's opening.

I only want to go because of the small chance that I may see you after your baseball game, but I have a feeling he'll just give you a ride home or both of you will come down and I won't be able to talk to you.

I ended up going downtown to hang with the boys anyway. It's 12:23 AM and I am currently in an uber. I also have a double shift at work later today. Kill me.

I lowkey highkey hope I run into Jean downtown. That would be the best added bonus of my night.

Thursday. September 28, 2017.

I've actually been meaning to write for a while now. Things like, what I'm stressed about, how I feel physically and mentally, being sick and small anxiety moments, and feeling unfocused and unmotivated.

I'm not going to tell you I loaned Joe $160 so his wife could buy a nice dress and shoes for his sister's wedding on Friday.

I'm not going to tell you that I bike home with him because, timing wise, I missed the train and I had a lot of energy from winning those Vic Mensa tickets.

I'm not going to tell you I biked to our block because I honestly miss it. I miss Alfredo, I miss you, I miss being close by.

I'm not going to tell you that your latest Instagram post was super sweet, and that I feel some type of way.

I'm not going to tell you that I'm going to try hating you. It's probably for the best. I won't really text you for a while or maybe I'll be bland, and this should help. I lied. I probably will tell you this part, maybe, if it comes up; or I'll play it off and just keep saying "nothing's wrong", or "I'm fine". Which, technically, aren't lies, because I am fine, and nothing is wrong.

I'm happy for you, but I want to be truly happy for you. I want it to reach that point where we can hang out together with no problem or I can hang with you guys and me and Jose are actually friends, as much as you don't want that.

P.S.

I didn't meant to write this much.

Thursday. October 12, 2017.

I should've just stayed on the couch with her downstairs. The whole upstairs got me confused on what to do and I just can't fucking sleep. I mean I shouldn't do anything. Why am I so fucking weird? I don't fucking know.

Sunday. December 3, 2017.

I'm kinda sad

and I want a pizza.

I miss Jean.

I feel like I'm losing her

as a friend, again..

I know I'm not

a priority,

But I wish I was;

even a little.

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