#dean tortured people and he liked it because at least it wasn’t him anymore

[m1zumono]

i think a lot of people don’t realise that cas pulling dean out of hell in lazarus rising wasn’t cas pulling dean off the rack, it was cas pulling dean AWAY FROM the rack, away from the people he was torturing

the first time cas touched dean he saw the pain dean was inflicting on other people, saw the way he enjoyed it, and it didn’t change how pure dean was to him, it didn’t make him any less good

#spn #supernatural #destiel #dean winchester #castiel #4x01 #dean tortured people and he liked it because at least it wasn’t him anymore #and cas saw this #he saw so much more than sam ever found out #and he loved dean regardless #i’m going insane over them

[antigonewinchester]

EDIT AS OF 8/17: I need to acknowledge a past meta here, “This is What You’re Gonna Become: season 9 as the culmination of Dean Winchester’s thematic roles of identity in SPN,” by swayingwires/deadendtracks as a major influence on my thinking for this post & my meta around the Mark generally. The author does thoughtful & deep work in using Scarry’s The Body in Pain & Harmon’s Trauma and Recovery to analyze Dean & his trauma, and was a major intro to these books for me. I should’ve been more explicit in crediting them and will be so in the future with this & others’s meta.

Intro post here.

My second post in my Mark of Cain meta. For my argument that the Mark is connected to Dean’s time in Hell, I wanted to first establish how season 4 sets up Dean and Hell. This one gets quite long, so a tl;dr of what’s below the cut: I look at how season 4 dealt with Dean’s time in Hell realistically, and then look at both Dean’s Hell arc and Sam’s demon blood arc through a symbolic lens, seeing the genre elements as metaphorical for how Dean and Sam responded to their dysfunctional childhoods. Not particularly covering new ground with Dean here but I do take an angle on Sam and demon blood that I think is pretty compelling & I haven’t seen much before.

In 4x10, “Heaven and Hell,” written by Eric Kripke, the first twist around Dean’s time in Hell is revealed: he wasn’t in Hell for 4 months but 40 years. Dean talks about how the constant torture ultimately broke him and made him accept Alastair’s offer to became a torturer:

DEAN It wasn't four months, you know. SAM What? DEAN It was four months up here, but down there... I don't know. Time's different. It was more like 40 years. SAM My God. DEAN They, uh... They sliced and carved and tore at me in ways that you... Until there was nothing left. And then, suddenly... I would be whole again... like magic... just so they could start in all over. And Alastair... at the end of every day... every one... he would come over. And he would make me an offer. To take me off the rack... if I put souls on... if I started the torturing. And every day, I told him to stick it where the sun shines. For 30 years, I told him. But then I couldn't do it anymore, Sammy. I couldn't. And I got off that rack. God help me, I got right off it, and I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls. [A tear rolls down his cheek.] The-- the things that I did to them. SAM Dean… Dean, look, you held out for 30 years. That's longer than anyone would have. DEAN [Crying] How I feel... This... inside me... I wish I couldn't feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing.

Then at the end of 4x11, “Family Remains,” written by Jeremy Carver, we have the second twist: that Dean “enjoyed” being a torturer.

SAM You okay? DEAN You know, I felt for those sons of bitches back there. Lifelong torture turns you into something like that. SAM You were in hell, Dean. Look, maybe you did what you did there, but you're not them. They were barely human. DEAN Yeah, you're right. I wasn't like them. I was worse. They were animals, Sam, defending territory. Me? I did it for the sheer pleasure. SAM What? DEAN I enjoyed it, Sam. They took me off the rack, and I tortured souls, and I liked it. All those years, all that pain. Finally getting to deal some out yourself. I didn't care who they put in front of me. Because that pain I felt, it just slipped away. No matter how many people I save, I can't change that. I can't fill this hole. Not ever.

My realistic read of 4x11 is that Dean is, at least partially, an unreliable narrator. Dean feels incredibly guilty for breaking and accepting Alastair’s offer, and his understanding of himself as “enjoying” torturing is part of that self-blame. Dean’s agency and autonomy was taken from him in Hell, first through the constant torture and then through the threat of the torture starting up again once he was freed from the rack and under Alastair’s control as his ‘apprentice’. Considering Dean’s sense of responsibility, the cognitive dissonance would’ve been immense: he based so much of his sense of self on being someone who helped and saved people regardless of the personal cost, so becoming a torturer in Hell because he couldn’t take the pain anymore, inflicting that hurt on others, was the exact opposite of his heroic identity. Dean resolved that dissonance by putting the responsibility on himself. If he was a person who would do good no matter the cost, who ‘chose’ to do evil instead, it must be because he enjoyed doing that evil.

Dean’s shame and self-loathing for breaking under torture and obeying Alastair also fits with how confession (in Dean’s case saying yes to Alastair’s offer, “confessing” to wanting to be a torturer) is thought of as a betrayal, even by those who might be sympathetic to torture victims. Elaine Scarry talks about this attitude in her book The Body in Pain:

“Intense pain is world-destroying. In compelling confession, the torturers compel the prisoner to record and objectify the fact that intense pain is world-destroying. It is for this reason that while the content of the prisoner’s answer is sometimes important to the regime, the form of the answer, the fact of of his answering, is always crucial. There is not only among torturers but even among people appalled by acts of torture and sympathetic to those hurt, a covert disdain for confession. This disdain is one of the many manifestations of how inaccessible the reality of physical pain is to anyone not immediately experiencing it. The nature of confession is falsified by an idiom built on the world “betrayal”: in confession, one betrays oneself and all those aspects of the world – friend, family, country, cause – that the self is made up of.” The Body in Pain: The Making and Unmaking of the World, Elaine Scarry, pg 29

Through 30 years of continuous torture, Alastair and Hell ripped apart Dean’s entire world – his body, his self, his humanity – to make him do something that went against the core of who he was, with that act then breaking the first seal and beginning the road to the Apocalypse.

However, I very much think Kripke and the writers intended Dean’s time in Hell to be taken not just literally but also metaphorically. In fact, my preferred interpretation for both Sam and Dean’s darker turns in season 4 is to read them through Kripke’s guiding metaphor of “family is Hell”. Using genre elements, season 4 showed how Sam and Dean were each affected by their abusive upbringing.

To start with Sam, Azazel is his demonic father figure, an evil dad who fed him demon blood when he was just a baby. When Sam learns this secret in season 2, he sees this act as having cursed and tainted him. Sam fears he’ll inevitably turn evil while also hoping if he tries hard enough, he can resist his ‘destiny’.

A great example is Sam and Dean’s conversation in 4x04, “Metamorphosis”:

SAM The way you talk to me, the way you look at me like I'm a freak! SAM walks past DEAN, and then turns around to him, now completely pissed off. DEAN I do not. SAM You know, or even worse, like I'm an idiot! He walks up to DEAN, and almost gets in his face. SAM Like I don't know the difference between right and wrong! He steps back, turns his back to DEAN and walks a few steps. He then stops, hands on hips, back still to DEAN, who's watching him. When SAM finally turns around, DEAN looks down. SAM What? DEAN looks up at him again, and now he sounds a bit angry. DEAN Do you know the difference, Sam? I mean, you've been kind of strolling a dark road lately. SAM You have no idea what I'm going through. None. DEAN Then enlighten me! SAM I've got demon blood in me, Dean! This disease pumping through my veins, and I can't ever rip it out or scrub it clean! I'm a whole new level of freak! And I'm just trying to take this- this curse... and make something good out of it. Because I have to.

Sam is projecting his own fears – that there’s something innately wrong with him, that he’s heading down a dark path – onto Dean in this conversation. Sam’s starting to feel shakier about his actions at this point, especially after Dean revealed Cas “told [him] to stop [Sam],” so Dean’s hesitations and mistrust seemingly confirm all of what Sam is afraid of. I read Sam’s reactions here, and especially his focus on the demon blood as something innately corrupting him, as metaphorical for how he internalized John’s emotional and physical neglect. As Dr. Judith Herman describes in “Trauma and Recovery”:

“When it is impossible to avoid the reality of the abuse, the child must construct some system of meaning that justifies it. Inevitably the child concludes that her innate badness is the cause. The child seizes upon this explanation early and clings to it tenaciously, for it enables her to preserve a sense of meaning, hope, and power. If she is bad, then her parents are good. If she is bad, then she can try to be good… The abused child’s sense of inner badness may be directly confirmed by parental scapegoating. Survivors frequently describe being blamed, not only for their parents’ violence or sexual misconduct, but also for numerous family misfortunes. Family legends may include stories of the harm a child caused by being born or the disgrace for which is appears to be destined.” Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror, Judith Harmon, M.D., pgs. 103 – 104

Unlike Dean, Sam didn’t know about the supernatural until he was almost 9, spending half his childhood in the dark about hunting. He would’ve had no context for why John would leave him and Dean alone for days at a time, or why they had to moved around so much, or why Dean got to spend more time with John than he did. John forcing Dean into hunting was horrible, but Sam as a child himself wouldn’t have understood that: he just would have seen Dean going off with their dad to do something important, getting praise and attention that Sam didn’t get. Is it any wonder that to cope with John not being there when Sam needed him to be, he would have put at some of the blame on himself instead of his dad? If it was Sam’s fault dad was leaving him, then that must meant there was something he could about it to get John to stop leaving. But when Sam did learn about the supernatural, it made him even more of an outsider: within normal society, he knew about the things that went bump in the night but wasn’t allowed to talk it, and within his family, he resisted hunting despite his dad thinking it was the most important thing, and in contrast to Dean going along with what John told him to do. Factor in the implication that Sam’s powers manifested subtly during his childhood, and all of it paints a picture of Sam as a kid who didn’t feel like he fit in anywhere, not with other people or with his family; one might say, a freak.

While Sam pushes back against John in season 1, he becomes much more sympathetic towards him after John’s death in season 2, with this season also being when Sam becomes increasingly afraid of “his destiny”.

From 2x11, “Playthings”:

SAM No, Dean, you don't understand, all right? The more people I save, the more I can change! DEAN Change what? SAM My destiny, Dean! DEAN All right. Time for bed. Come on, Sasquatch. [He leans over and hauls SAM up by the shoulders.] Come on. SAM I need you to watch out for me. DEAN Yeah. I always do. SAM No! No, no, no. You have to watch out for me, all right? And if I ever … turn into something that I'm not… you have to kill me.

From 2x13, “Houses of the Holy”:

SAM I don't know, Dean, I just, uh… [he sits on the bed] I wanted to believe… so badly, ah… It's so damn hard to do this, what we do. You're all alone, you know? And… there's so much evil out there in the world, Dean, I feel like I could drown in it. And when I think about my destiny, when I think about how I could end up…

Even before Sam knew about the demon blood, he worried about his powers, his being a ‘special child,’ and if his destiny meant he’d inevitably turn evil and do monstrous things. Once Sam learns about the demon blood, that becomes the explanation for his feelings of inner wrongness and insecurity, while also giving him a sliver of hope. Sam can’t remove the stain of what Azazel did to him, but he can try to do enough good that it would purify him, erase the demon’s blood’s corruption, and eventually stop him from still feeling like a freak. As he says to Jack, his monster foil in 04x04: “It doesn't matter what you are. It only matters what you do. It's your choice.”

Another aspect of Sam’s upbringing that’s deeply intertwined with his arc in season 4 is John’s decades long revenge quest, with Sam then taking after his father in his own drive for revenge. Both for Sam and John, this impulse is closely connected to traumatic losses: John lost Mary, Sam lost Jess and then Dean. Chasing revenge was a way for John and Sam to regain agency in the face of their traumas. However, the show often frames revenge as a dangerous force, one that hurts both the person driven to revenge and others around them. Sam becoming addicted to drinking human blood isn’t just showing how he’s been overtaken by his (literal and metaphorical) thirst for revenge, but also how he’s getting revenge and power at the cost of other people’s literal bodies and lives, just as John did (for instance, getting Jo’s father killed on a hunt; “Killing this demon comes first – before me, before everything” from 01x22, “Devil’s Trap”).

On Dean’s end, we have Alastair, a demonic father figure who tortures Dean and then takes him on as his apprentice to teach him torturing. Dean feels horribly guilty not only for saying yes to Alastair’s offer but also for “enjoying” being a torturer. This situation is metaphorical for John forcing and teaching Dean how to be a hunter, with Dean complying with what his father wanted and becoming a good, obedient solider. More from “Trauma and Recovery,”

“If avoidance fails, then children attempt to appease their abusers by demonstrations of automatic obedience. The arbitrary enforcement of rules, combined with the constant fear of death or serious harm, produces a paradoxical result. On the one hand, it convinces children of their utter helplessness and the futility of resistance. Many develop the belief that their abusers have absolute or supernatural powers, can read their thoughts, or can control their lives entirely. On the other hand, it motivates children to prove their loyalty and compliance. These children double and redouble their efforts to gain control of the situation in the way way that seems possible, by “trying to be good.” ...She must develop a sense of self in relation to others who are helpless, uncaring, or cruel. She must develop a capacity for bodily self-regulation in an environment in which her body is at the disposal of other’ needs, as well as a capacity for self-soothing in an environment without solace. She must develop the capacity for initiative in an environment which demands that she bring her will into complete conformity with that of her abuser.” Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror, Judith Harmon, M.D., pgs. 100 - 101

Dean’s time in Hell horribly echoes what Dean’s nightmare self – the thoughts and feelings he wouldn’t let himself express outside of his dream – said about him and his relationship to John in 03x10, “Dream a Little Dream of Me.”

DREAM DEAN You are nothing. You're as mindless and obedient as an attack dog. … No? What are the things that you want? What are the things that you dream? I mean, your car? That's Dad's. Your favorite leather jacket? Dad's. Your music? Dad's. Do you even have an original thought? … I mean, think about it … [He begins to walk towards DEAN, whose smile is fading now.] All he ever did is train you, boss you around. … Dad knew who you really were. A good soldier and nothing else. Daddy's blunt little instrument.

In Hell, Dean saw himself becoming what he so feared: an instrument that was only good for hurting others, mindless and obedient, doing horrible things even though he knew what he was doing was wrong, his training in torturing by Alastair darkly echoing his training in hunting by John.

As I quoted in my intro section, Dean uses the same language of “enjoying” hunting to describe how John raised him, just as he talked about “enjoying” torturing in Hell. (Dean “enjoying” violence becomes a prominent thread thru the MoC arc later on.)

DEAN What if we killed things that didn't deserve killing? You know? I mean, the way Dad raised us… SAM Dean, after what happened to Mom, Dad did the best he could. DEAN I know he did. But the man wasn't perfect. And the way he raised us, to hate those things; and man, I hate 'em. I do. When I killed that vampire at the mill I didn't even think about it; hell, I even enjoyed it.

It wasn’t possible for Dean to escape hunting as a child. What was possible was making the dissonance of killing living creatures more bearable by agreeing with John’s dehumanization of them; Dean wasn’t killing people, he was killing monsters, so he didn’t have to feel guilty about it. He was saving people, hunting things, being a hero! Why wouldn’t he enjoy that? It was only safe for Dean to question that mentality after John’s death, both from Sam pushing back against the morality of killing monsters and because of John’s command that Dean had to save Sam from turning into a monster or kill him if he couldn’t. If Sam, his beloved little brother, could be a monster, then where was the clear line between monsters and people?

It also wasn’t possible for Dean to escape Hell. What was possible was escaping the horrible torture he was undergoing (even if the alternative was torture of a different kind) by accepting Alastair’s offer, and then making the dissonance of hurting others bearable by adopting Alastair’s sadistic attitude and enjoying the violence he was inflicting. If this was going to be his fate, becoming a demon and losing his humanity anyway, why not embrace it and make the remaining decades at least a little less painful?

The way Dean talks about his violence (“All those years, all that pain. Finally getting to deal some out yourself. I didn't care who they put in front of me. Because that pain I felt, it just slipped away.”) also has a quasi-revenge element to it. Unlike Sam, who could chase after Lilith, Dean couldn’t go after Alastair or the demons who had tortured him, but he could hurt others in their place, in a hollow, proxy revenge against the pain he’d faced for 30 years. This ‘revenge’  was encouraged by his proxy father figure in Alastair.

I don’t want to downplay Sam and Dean’s violent streaks, because they do both have them. However, I think it’s important to contextualize their violence thru their upbringing, both how they were taught how to be violent by John and then how they used violence as a way of regaining agency and autonomy in traumatic situations. That certainly doesn’t always make their violence right or justified, but it’s not a random lashing out or gleeful sadism, either. Take Dean talking about “enjoying” torturing in Hell in 04x11 with Sam “enjoying” when Lucifer killed the demons who had secretly manipulated him throughout his childhood in 05x22, “Swan Song”. Both of these reactions are Dean and Sam coping with terrible situations – Dean being trapped in Hell under Alastair’s control, Sam being controlled by Lucifer and then learning demons had also tried to control him during his childhood – and finding a horrific satisfaction in violence as a means of payback.

#meta #meta personal #sam #dean #dean & hell #dean & the mark #season 4 #honestly this one was fun even apart from the mark aspect because i love season 4 so much #and every time i look at it the deeper it gets! #cw child abuse #cw torture

[sarah-dipitous]

Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2023 Day 78

Death Takes a Holiday

“Death Takes a Holiday”

Plot Description: Sam and Dean try to find out why people in a small town are having near death experiences with alarming frequency by going into the spirit world

Would I Survive the First Five Minutes??: I suppose. The episode title is LITERALLY Death Takes a Holiday. For a while, just this once, everybody lives!!

I’m starting with the recap because I was thinking about the verbal part of the fight the boys had at the end of last episode on my way into work today. It’s VERY reminiscent of the posts that’s are like “haha. British people say Tuesday like chewsday” “yeah, well at least kids here don’t have to worry about getting shot in their schools” because Dean’s just like “here’s a list of small but very real things you’ve done recently that are causing my trust in you to erode, Sam” and Sam’s like “I’m stronger than you, and you’re holding me back, why don’t you go cry about how you were tortured in literal hell again before you couldn’t even take that anymore because you’re WEAK and leave hunting to me?”

Y’all are not past ANYTHING. Because Dean ABSOLUTELY meant what he said. It definitely wasn’t the siren, no matter what Sam says. And that gets added to the suspicions Dean has. Why would his be true and not Sam’s?

No, the normal rules of life and death haven’t applied to you boys, but OMG that doesn’t mean you are just naturally above them, Sam!!

Love when they don’t actually have a good lie for people…

Of course you have to actually knock Dean out to get rid of Alistair…

Can’t believe Sam just said to Pamela, their friend whose eyes got burnt out from seeing Cas’s true form, “you’re a sight for sore eyes.” Boy, are you kidding me??

So, to save the local reaper (to stop yet another seal from breaking), the boys are gonna astral project onto the spirit world

It does seem realistic that ghost Dean’s first instinct is to shove his fist through Sam’s chest

Come on, Dean… that’s the reaper from the first time you were dying. I love how impartial Tessa is. She doesn’t care about the fight between the angels and demons…she’s just here to do her job

Oh…I hate Sam lying to this kid’s ghost. Sam deserves the hit to the junk for that

Do appreciate a good and funny training montage

It’s interesting to watch the boys get the treatment they usually give ghosts. The iron, shooting them with rock salt

Pamela, bestie, you didn’t have the door locked before???? Come on…

Ooooo, making the chandelier fall to disrupt the digit was so smart, Dean!!

CASTIEL!!! I’ve decided to stop feeling shame at how my brain reacts to his presence on screen.

I dunno how I’d feel as Dean here. Being told that I’m different, I’m special, I’m above the laws of life & death when he just had a fight with Sam about this

Damn, can ANY supernatural beings FINISH a conversation with Dean??? Do they HAVE to just disappear after telling him something cryptic?? Cas AND Tessa did this one right after the other

You know what they say about good intentions, Sam??

Rip Pamela

“Been On My Mind…”: barely but maybe? Eh. Let’s count it…10

#hellsite nostalgia tour 2023

[sortasirius]

Dean Winchester be like:

I hate myself because it’s what my father taught me to do.  I hate myself because it’s a defense mechanism.  I use sarcasm to cover up the fact that I believe I am worthless.  I raised my brother into a good man, that’s the only good I’ve ever done.  I’ve saved some people, they don’t say thank you, but that’s okay.  I wish I could have been the man my father wanted me to be.  I break everything I touch.  All the people I love I end up killing or leaving me.  I am broken.  I don’t do romantic love, it’s asking for me to get my heart broken, more broken than it already is.  I sold my soul to a demon so I could save my brother, because he’s the best thing I ever did, the only good thing.  I’m afraid to go to Hell, but I pretend I’m not, because what’s the alternative? 

Hell proved that I was the person I always knew I was, a bad person, willing to torture to get out of pain.  I met an angel, he’s not like I thought.  He’s a soldier, like me, he’s taking orders from a father he can’t see.  He starts out as an ally, but he’s different than the others, they say he likes me.  He’s awkward, he stands too close to me sometimes.  I started the Apocalypse because I wasn’t strong enough.  My brother is going down the wrong path, and I don’t know how to stop it.  The angels tell me Lucifer has to rise, but the one that pulled me out of Hell disobeys to help me stop it.  I think I should consider him a friend.  Lucifer rises anyway. 

The angel is on the run from Heaven, he’s a good guy, I like him a lot, more than I think I should.  I don’t know what to do, if I say yes to Michael, we can save some people.  Maybe I’ll get to know peace, maybe my father will be proud of me then.  The angel and my brother are angry at me, but I’ve always been a coward, they just don’t know it.  But they know me best, I can’t say yes to Michael if it means disappointing them. 

My brother goes to the cage with Lucifer and Michael, the angel disappears, and I’m left to pick up the pieces, living a life I feel like I stole from somebody else.  I always sleep with a gun and holy water under the bed, even though I know every entrance is secure.  My brother comes back, but he’s different now, he’s not the same, I should have looked for him.  I feel guilty.  We found out his soul is gone, his soul, his soul.  The angel is back, but he’s no real help.  I kill myself to speak to Death, who brings back his soul in exchange for me playing Death, where I learn a few hard lessons. 

I find out the angel has been working with our enemies.  Why does it feel like my heart is broken when he won’t meet my eyes?  I leave him to the demons, but not before one last look.  I’m not sure why.  The idiot, he ends up dying trying to get souls from Purgatory, desperate to win his war in Heaven.  Why does everyone leave me?  The Leviathan are out there, a new threat.  At least I know how to kill, so I won’t have to think about the muddy trenchcoat in the trunk of my car.  I lose the closest thing I have to a father with a bullet to the brain.  I feel like I’m spinning out of control.  My brother loses his mind.  The angel comes back, he doesn’t recognize me, that hurts.  When he does remember me, I tell him we need him, but I really mean that I do. 

I get sent to Purgatory, I meet a vampire turned ally turned new best friend, but I won’t leave without the angel, I can’t leave without the angel.  We find him, he was running from me, why does everyone run from me?  We make it out of Purgatory, the angel gets left behind.  It turns out my brother didn’t look for me.  Why am I so dispensable?  The vampire is the only one I can trust now.  I dream about the angel, about the way I couldn’t save him.  I feel like I can’t save anyone these days.  I see the angel in the air around me, am I going crazy?  But then he shows up behind me, why do I care so much about him?  I don’t even care where he came from, as long as he’s here.  My brother takes on trials, they start to hurt him.  We find a place to call home.  I’ve never had my own bedroom before.  The angel is distant, I wish I could reach him.  He doesn’t answer my prayers.  He and I find the angel tablet, he hits me.  I tell him I need him, never able to tell him that I think I might love him too.  He snaps out of it then walks out of my life again.  I wish I was lovable.  I almost lose my brother to the trials, he has to know I can’t lose him, he’s all I’ve got.  The angels fall, I wonder about my angel, if he’s alright. 

My brother is dying, and I make a deal with an angel to save him.  My angel says he’s a good guy, and I’m too desperate to vet him properly.  I watch my angel, now a human, die in front of me, the angel in my brother saves him, it’s one of the only times I’ve ever put someone else over my brother.  I feel guilty about that.  I have to kick my angel out, it tears me in half to do it, but I have to protect my brother.  I watch the angel from a gas station window, I try to find the courage to go see him.  I use humor to hide how much I miss him.  My brother finds out about the angel, which cost the life of a kid I was supposed to protect, he’s so angry at me.  Well, I deserve it this time.  I take the Mark of Cain to defeat Abaddon, it can’t be all that bad.  I start to lose my grip on myself.  My angel gives up an army for me, and it’s the closest I feel to being me in months. My brother and my angel try to stop it, but it’s too late.  I die in my brother’s arms.

I wake up with black eyes.  I don’t care about anyone, anything.  There’s a tiny part of me that’s screaming to wake up, but I drown him out easily enough.  My brother finds me, says he wants to cure me.  I don’t want it, I don’t want to be me, not feeling is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  They do cure me though, my brother and my angel, and waking up from the blackness is like surfacing from deep water.  For a while, I feel loved.  But after what I did, I don’t feel like I deserve it.  I’m still not me, and when my friend, who I loved like a sister is taken, I go off the deep end again. It’s too easy, but violence is all I know.  The angel tries to stop me.  I have him where I want him, a blade to the heart and this is all over.  But I still can’t kill him, I still can’t kill the angel.  Death tells me I have to kill my brother.  I almost do it.  But killing Death releases me, and I’m me again.  Sometimes I still wish I wasn’t.

I have this connection to this Darkness.  It scares the hell out of me.  I wish I understood it, I wish I could stop it.  Am I pulled towards the Darkness because I, myself, am darkness?  Is it because I am, because I’ve always been bad?  I lose the angel to Lucifer himself, how did I not notice until it was too late?  Why would he leave me like this?  Will I ever get him back?  My head is foggy around the Darkness, but not when it comes to him.  I just wish I could get through to him.  Lucifer taunts me, my heart rips in half.  We get the angel back, but nothing good can last in this life, can it?  God himself returns, I have to sacrifice myself to stop the Darkness.  I’ll do it, because of course I will, if I have an opportunity to do some good, I’ll take it.  The Darkness doesn’t kill me.  She thanks me.

My mother is alive.  It’s everything I’ve always wanted.  I have to learn fast that she’s not what I thought.  That’s hard.  Me and my brother end up in prison for trying to kill Lucifer, and we find out this girl is going to have his kid.  How will we kill someone innocent?  I can’t think about that, I’m a killer, I’ll kill if i have to.   The angel kills a reaper to save me, but what will happen to him?  We start looking for this kid, but do we even want to find it?  The angel nearly dies for me, he tells me, my family he loves us.  I wish I could tell him the same, but the words won’t work right in my brain, so I do what I always do, I look away.  The angel finds the girl, but the kid inside her gets to him, and he runs away from me.  Why does everyone run from me?  We find them just in time to find a rift to another world, and my brother has to drag me away from the angel, who is going to sacrifice himself to kill Lucifer.  He comes back, but before I can say the words I’ve been holding onto for so long, he dies in front of me, only this time, it’s real.  My mom is taken from me too, and I’m left by the angel’s side, staring up at the sky, wondering why, why me?

I bury the angel, my brother insists we can’t kill the kid, even though it’s his fault my mom is gone and the angel is...  I beg God to bring him back, please, bring him back.  You owe me this, please bring him back.  He doesn’t listen.  I’m alone.  We burn the angel, and I try to learn to live with regret and grief and crippling pain all at once.  I hate the kid, this is his fault.  I kill myself again to save some souls, but also because I want to die this time.  I can’t take it anymore.  Death tells me I have work to do, but how much more work can there be?  How much more can I take?  It’s like the Universe reads my mind, because my angel comes back, and it’s like the last few weeks haven’t happened.  I still can’t say the words, but maybe this time I’ll get there.  Maybe this time.  We go to the other world, we save some people, I find my mom.  I let another Michael from the other world possess me to defeat Lucifer, but then I can’t expel him.  Before he shuts me in my memories, I am desperately afraid.

My brother and the angel find me in my own head, the snap me out of it.  I should have known this bar was too good for me, I knew I didn’t deserve it.  I shut Michael in there, but I know I won’t last long. I think I’m too weak to hold him, so I build a box designed to hold me forever.  I dream about it, claw the sides of the wall until my nails are bloody, but if it’s my eternity or Michael’s rule?  I’ll take the ocean every time.  The angel will always try to save me, I still can’t say the words.  The kid, my kid, he destroys Michael, but something is wrong, and I don;t realize until it’s too late.  My mother is dead, at the hands of the kid, and I have never been angrier.  I hate the kid again, I hate the angel too, I hate myself more.  I pull a gun on the kid, but I still can’t pull the trigger.  Sometimes I wish I could put it to my own head.  God comes back, turns out he was the villain all along.  Typical.  He kills our kid.  I can’t let myself feel.

The angel tries to convince me that we’re real.  How can I believe that?  Is everything I am just a story?  Have I ever chosen anything?  Does the angel really care about me?  Do I really care about him?  Another one of our friends dies.  I blame the angel, I push him away, because I can’t look at him if I think what I feel for him might not be real.  I meet up with someone I loved.  He’s a monster now, I have to kill him.  He dies holding me.  I wish I was dead sometimes too.  My brother is sick, he gets kidnapped by God.  I’m spinning in circles.  Me and the angel end up in Purgatory again.  He gets taken from me.  I’m so alone, so scared, I break down in the one place I could get lost in forever searching for the angel, I don’t want to leave him, please, don’t make me leave him.  I have to keep looking, get back to the real world to save my brother.  How will I choose?  Thank god, or, whatever, I find the angel.  I’ll tell him this time, but he stops me.  He must know.  He doesn’t want me, no one wants me.  Why would they?  Chuck has taken everything from me.  I have to kill him, no matter the cost.  The cost is gonna be our kid, raised from the dead by Death.  I guess the one thing we have going for us is we don’t stay dead for long.  I’m ready to let my kid die for my freedom.  My brother stands in the way, I pull a gun on him.  He talks me down, he’s the only one that can.  I decide to take it out on Death, my pain, my anger, my rage.  I take the angel and we find her, she chases us.  Another trap.  I realize that I’ve trapped us both.  Why am I so worthless?

The angel looks at me.  He smiles.  He tells me how worthy I am, that I’m good, that I changed him.  How can I tell him how he changed me.  He tells me he’ll die for loving me.  Then he shouldn’t, I’m not worth his life.  Don’t leave me, please, I can’t lose you, you don’t know what it does it me when you leave me.  He tells me he loves me.  I try to tell him a fraction of the things I feel for him, but it’s too late.  He’s taken before my eyes, and this time I know there’s no getting him back.

I’m left on the floor, unable to move.

This time I know, I’ll never let myself love again, because my heart is so shattered that it’s powdered, there’s no repairing it now.  I’ve always been broken, but this time I’m not just broken: I’m destroyed.

#so uh yeah idk what this is #dean #spn #my writing #supernatural #dean winchester #destiel #im so sorry????? idk where this came from #I have never loved anyone the way I love him

[doyouknowhowtowaltz]

Please, I must know about your Addams Family AU, my curiosity keeps me up nights

Bear in mind there's little in the way of story put together right now, so I am going to throw down the notes for this au, and a lot of really early sketches.

Meet the Addams! (A break for your convenience because this is long as hell)

- Enoch, Beast, Young Lorna, Whispers, and Adelaide Addams make up the Addams family (in addition to Pumpkin (cat) and Turtle (Dog)

- Beast is the only blood Addams in the lot, and is heir to the Addam's fortune, his living relatives are distant, most don't even share the family name anymore, and all immediate family have been dead and dust for at least a decade.

- Both Whispers and Adelaide are sisters that married into the family and have been since widowed

- Enoch is married into the family (Through Beast, who else)

- Lorna's specific relation to the family is never specified, everyone is Auntie and Uncle, as far as the town is concerned, she's everyone's niece. Its also highly debated if anyone in the family actually knows where Lorna came from.

- Enoch and the Beast are exactly in love as Gomez and Morticia,

- Enoch somehow has even less inhibitions about showing it than Gomez

- Enoch is friendly, the neighbors love him, thinking he's the most normal one of the bunch despite his... unconventional dressing. Strangers who are new to the family normally latch onto him when faced with the... oddity of the rest of the family.

- One problem with this, Enoch isn't a man. He's man-shaped... barely. Enoch's eldritch nature is continually hinted at as part of a long running joke in this AU about Enoch being the normal one despite making no secret of the fact he feels terribly limited by two arms.

- (This is the version of Enoch that made me enact the Rat test)

- There's a rumor running around the neighborhood about a black cat that calls itself Providence and will strike up a conversation with you if you greet it politely.

- Enoch, of course, denies any connection.

- Enoch, weird as he might be, and off-putting as he is on second meeting, does actually have a lot of friends in town, some as odd as him and some perfectly normal average humans who are undaunted in the face of his family.

- One such individual is Miss Clara Dean, who is a finance lawyer for the Addams, and while she might have been shaken when she first met them, she's well past gawking at their odd home and traditions now

- His human glamor is tied to his bolo, I will not elaborate

- Enoch runs for mayor every opportunity, he never wins, but its always by thinner margins than should really be possible

- Adelaide never took her husband's last name, making her the only Addams who's not an Addams.

- She's fussy about the night air, dreadfully superstitious, and quite spiderlike, right down to a colorful web she keeps. She would have married Beast if he had shown a flicker of interest in him.

- She can divine the weather and sometimes says strange things about blue birds and curses

- She doesn't get out much, the neighbors don't know much about her, but all the neighborhood kids agree, she's definitely a witch.

- Whispers is very kind, and if you get past the initial shine on Enoch, probably the most normal of the family

- Except that she eats animals live

- And is also a witch (Probably, definitely, the neighborhood kids all agree, she's gotta be they insist.) Between her and Enoch they are the most out and about members of the Addams family.

- Lorna is quiet, shy, very sweet

- And she eats people.

- She also has a drowned ghost routine she likes to practice on door to door sales people by climbing out of the well in the backyard to give them a scare.

- Lorna's teachers are concerned by her behavior and encyclopedia knowledge of anatomy and torture, but are more concerned about calling a parent-teacher conference, since the entire Addams Clan will show up.

- Lorna sleeps under her bed instead of on it, Whispers occasionally frets about her waking up and knocking herself against the baseboards of the bed, Beast waves her off telling her its perfectly natural, at her age he was sleeping in a coffin.

- She of course ends up with Wednesday's classic noose braids at some point, courtesy of her uncles usually

- There's a red-haired girl who's tough as nails and maybe a little rude about Lorna's family who has been steadily hanging out with her, eventually Beatrice's mom invites the Addams over for dinner, it goes well all things considered.

- And that brings us to Mr. Addams himself,

- Beast wasn't christened Beast, but he hardly remembers the name on his birth certificate anyway.

- Sporting a stunning hat-veil constantly, and a floor length dress (Always black, only black maybe some red, sometimes a little blue and yellow), its safe to say no one in the neighborhood knows what Beast looks like, even if he did ever leave the Addams manor.

- Which he doesn't.

- The nicer gossips muse that he's agoraphobic, and the ruder ones say he's batshit and they're frankly glad he stays inside.

- Beast isn't inherently rude... most of the time, but he is incredibly disconcerting, and gives complements like a serial killer. Which does not help the numerous rumors that surround him and his family.

- He sings too, roaming the woods on the Addams property at night, and he's responsible for a fair few ghost stories.

- And his garden, its a bitter grey thing, and its almost artfully... decrepit, decorated by ornamental trees with grey-orange leaves and bark that almost looks like screaming faces. And his rose bushes, they're his pride and joy. They are so high maintenance though, when they bloom, he spends hours cutting their heads off.

- Every now and then, someone comes to the house, a door to doors salesman, a child on a dare, someone chasing stories of the Addams Fortune.

- All's well and good unless they manage to break into the house. Sometimes they get tangled in Adelaide's traps, sometimes Whispers finds them and ushers them out the door with an ominous warning, sometimes Lorna scares them out of the house and works herself into a giggling fit. Sometimes Enoch finds them, and he's all politeness and veiled menace.

- Oh, but heaven help the fool who gets found by Beast.

- I think that about wraps it up!

Something something cats on leashes, they're grossly in love.

#OTGW #over the garden wall #Enoch otgw #Enoch #The Beast #The Beast OTGW #dumb gay eldritch psychopomps #beastnoch #Lorna #The Addams AU #Lorna OTGW #Auntie Whispers #Adelaide #thank you for giving me an excuse to talk about it #I love this au so much

[sapphirelass]

Oh, darling... - Remus LupinxDaughter!Reader, Harry PotterxReader

Hiiiiiii😊

Hey, would you look at that! It’s only been a week since last time! So, this might be a bit confusing if you have read “Deal?” and “I’ll be by your side”, but hear me out: “Deal?” is still part 1, but since “I’ll be by your side” takes place after this one, that will now be part 3, and this part 2. Does that make sense? I hope so :) That means that this takes place between OotP and the Battle of Hogwarts, but I’m sure you’ll understand! :)

Deal? (Part 1) | Oh, darling... (Part 2) | I’ll be by your side (Part 3)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please note:

1: I don’t own any of the gifs used, nor any already established characters, so credit to the authors and original creators - You have done a phenomenal job :)

2: English is not my native language, as I was born and raised in Sweden. I have, however, studied English for almost a decade, so I don’t think it’ll be a problem, I just thought I’d let you know ;)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You probably already know this, but still:

Y/N - Your name

Y/N/N - Your nickname

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Word count: ≈ 5,5k (Ohhh, you’re in for a long one!)

Warnings: Blood, Torture & Capture (Malfoy Manor scenes from DH, not very descriptive, but consider yourself warned!), Greyback (both being violent and... intrusive?), use of the more offensive word for ‘Muggle-born’, angst, Bellatrix

And in case you were wondering, yes I did look up lunar charts from 1998 when writing this XD

Enjoy! :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, darling...

“He’s abroad! He’s still looking for the wand, I knew it!”

“Harry-”

“Come on, Hermione, why are you so determined not to admit it? Vol-”

“HARRY NO!”

“-demort’s after the Elder Wand!”

“The name’s Taboo!”, Ron bellowed, leaping to his feet as a loud crack sounded outside the tent. “I told you, Harry, we can’t say it anymore! We’ve got to p-”

“Shhh!?”

(Y/N/N) had appeared behind Ron and put her hand over his mouth.

“Ron, our chances are gonna be even slimmer if you keep howling!”

The redhead nodded to confirm that he had understood what his friend had whispered, and she removed her hand. For a few *wonderful moments* the four of them thought they had made it! They waited in complete silence - Harry standing protectively in front of the others with his wand in a firm grip.

“Come out of there with ye’ hands up!”, came a rasping voice through the darkness. “You’ve got half a dozen wands aimed at ya’ and we don’t care who we curse!”

Harry turned around slowly and noticed Hermione and (Y/N) coming to a silent agreement. He was just about to ask the others what they thought they should do when Hermione aimed her wand at his face. There was a bang, a burst of white light and Harry buckled in agony, unable to see, as heavy footfalls surrounded the gang.

(Y/N/N) let out a small whimper as someone grabbed a fistfull of her hair and pulled her out of the tent. Harry, Ron and Hermione were wrested outside as well, and all four of them were restrained to prevent their escape. (Y/N) and Hermione both got their wrists bound together, but they stood next to each other while the snatchers questioned the boys.

Harry suddenly let out a distressed shout, because Scabior had smirked evilly and made his way closer to (Y/N/N).

“Don’t touch her! Don’t you dare!”

“Fine”, he said. “I won’t”

He turned back towards the girls, raised his wand and a swift movement caused (Y/N)’s legs to give in. She fell to her knees, her hands still tied behind her back. Harry opened his mouth to say something, but Scabior got there first.

“Ey, like I promised, I didn’t touch ‘er.”

He took a few threatening steps towards the girls and stood towering over (Y/N) as she was forced to kneel by the snatcher’s feet.

“And your name, girly?”

(Y/N/N) swallowed nervously before answering.

“Katie Bell. Halfblood.”

Scabior smiled again and walked over to Hermione. He was just about to ask her the same question when another snatcher approached them from behind.

“That’s a lie”

“What?”, asked Scabior. “What ‘ru on about?”

“I might not remember every single one.”, said the voice. “But when people are bit as revenge, I tend not to forget their name… or smell”

Fenrir Greyback stepped into the moonlight looking absolutely wild. His dirty hair was full of leaves and small sticks, and he had dried blood on his hands.

Scabior grabbed (Y/N)’s hair again, pulled her to her feet and pushed her towards Greyback. Harry struggled ferociously against the snatcher holding him, but it was no use. This gang might not be the smartest, but they were big, and strong. The situation seemed oddly familiar to Harry, and he realized that it remembered him of the few times Dudley’s friends had caught him and held him back while Dudley himself put his boxing skills to ‘good use’. This was worse though, and he kept fighting to get out of the snatcher’s grip despite knowing that it was impossible.

“Don’t touch her! Back off!!”

Greyback didn’t seem to hear Harry’s protests and roughly seized the collar of (Y/N)’s torn, dirty shirt. She tried to push him away, but without the use of her hands that proved to be very difficult, and Grayback pulled her closer instead. He grabbed her by the throat, and, because the werewolf was so tall, her feet no longer touched the ground once he could look her in the eye.

“HA!”

Greyback laughed darkly and threw the girl to the ground.

“Lupin…”, he muttered. “Didn’t know that traitor had a pup. You think daddy would like you to join or… pack?”

He bent down to his knees and dragged a sharp claw along her neck, forcing her to lift her head.

Both Harry and Ron had, at this point however, had enough and were just about to shout again when Scabior spoke up.

“C’mon Greyback. We’re wastin’ time. ‘m sure the ministry will let ya keep ‘er if the others are valuable enough. You take the halfbreed and we’ll bind the rest to the other prisoners.”

Greyback grabbed hold of the rope securing (Y/N) hands behind her back, and Scabior turned towards Hermione again.

“And you, love? A name? And blood status if you’d be so kind.”

“Penelope Clearwater, halfblood.”

“Easy enough to check.”

Someone yanked Harry, Ron and Hermione up by the hair, dragged them a few feet, pushed them down into a sitting position, and started binding them back to back with some other people.

A few snatchers went into the tent, presumably looking for anything of value, and the others kept a close eye on the bound prisoners. The group seemed to be getting ready to leave, but suddenly Scabior approached, a copy of the Daily Prophet in his right hand.

“Ang on a minute, Greyback! Look at this, in the Prophet! ‘Ermione Granger, mudblood known to be travellin’’ with ‘Arry Potter.’”

Greyback lifted Hermione’s head using his boot and said, “You know what little girly? This picture looks a hell of a lot like you.”

“It’s not me!”, said Hermione, “I swear it’s n-”

“Well this changes things, doesn’t it?”, whispered Greyback. Harry could still barely see, but noticed (Y/N) trembling as Greyback tightened his grip around her wrist. She stumbled slightly when the werewolf took a few steps towards Harry and bent down to get a closer look at his face.

“Oi, Vernon, what’s that on ya’ forehead?”

“Don’t touch it!”

“I thought you wore glasses, Potter”

“I found glasses!”

Another snatcher came running from the tent and seconds later Harry’s glasses had been rammed back on to his face.

“It is!”, howled Greyback triumphantly. “We’ve caught Potter!”

“So? To the ministry?”

“To hell with the ministry. I say we take them directly to You-know-who. Let’s take the boy to the Malfoys’ place”

“‘ru completely sure? Cause-”

“Who’s in charge here?”, roared Greyback. “I say it’s Potter, that’s 200000 galleons, and with any luck I’ll get the girl thrown in.”

The prisoners were dragged to their feet.

“I’ll get Potter too”, said Greyback while grabbing a fistfull of Harry’s hair. He wasn’t overly excited about standing so close to the vicious werewolf, but felt somewhat relieved when he was held right by (Y/N)’s side and she carefully leant her head on his shoulder. The small action gave him a sense of comfort despite the danger and seriousness of the situation.

“1, 2, 3…”

They disapparated.

~~~~~

“I know ‘e’s swollen, ma’am, but it’s ‘im.”, Scabior said. “If you look a bit closer, you’ll see his scar.”

“Bring them in.”

Harry and the rest were brutally shoved and kicked up broad stone steps into a hallway lined with portraits. Two figures rose from chairs in front of an ornate marble fireplace as the prisoners were forced into the room by the snatchers. Lucius Malfoy took a step forward.

“What’s this?”

“They say they have got Potter”, answered Narcissa coldly. “Draco, come here.”

Draco approached the prisoners apprehensively, but claimed not to be sure whether it, in fact, was Harry.

“How ‘bout them others, then?”, growled Greyback while pushing Ron, Hermione, (Y/N), Dean and Griphook forwards. “‘tis at least one mudblood, a Weasley and an Order member’s kid - recognize either?”

Draco still didn’t know, however Lucius Malfoy felt sure enough, and was just about to call ‘The Dark Lord’ when Bellatrix Lestrange entered the room and walked up to the captives. She began arguing with Lucius, but stopped abruptly when noticing the sword of Gryffindor being held by one of the snatchers.

Bellatrix went to attack, but changed her mind once Greyback told her that they had found the sword in Harry, Ron, Hermione and (Y/N)’s tent. Narcissa, who seemed increasingly worried as her sister attacked various people in the room, turned to the group of ‘kids’ again.

“Take these prisoners down to the cellar, Greyback”

“Wait!”, screeched Bellatrix. “All except… except the girls.”

“NO!”, exclaimed Harry just as Ron, struggling violently against the ropes that bound him, let out a loud roar.

“NO! You can have me! Keep me!!”

Bellatrix simply cackled evilly and said, “If one of them dies under questioning, I’ll take you next. Mudbloods, offsprings of Halfbreeds and blood traitors - they’re all the same to me. Greyback, take them downstairs and make sure they’re secure. But don’t do anything else. Yet...”

She grabbed both (Y/N) and Hermione by the hair and dragged them into the middle of the room. She let go and they both fell face first into the hard, dark floor with a crack. With a swift wave of her wand, thick ropes wrapped themselves around the girls’ ankles, effectively preventing them from escaping, and she then turned towards Greyback.

“Hurry up! Get them down quickly and you can have the Halfbreed. ‘m sure her screams will be enough to keep you entertained for a while?”

Greyback forced the rest of them into a dark passageway, his wand held out in front of him, projecting an invisible and irresistible force.

“Reckon she’ll let me have a bit of the girls when she’s finished with ‘em?”, Greyback crooned as he forced them along the corridor. “I’d say at least a bite or two each, wouldn’t you, boys? I think I’ll save the Lupin girl for Saturday, huh? I bet the full moon will make her taste even better, don’t you think??”

Both Harry and Ron were shaking in anger, but the invisible force kept them all in place. They were forced down a steep flight of stairs, still tied back-to-back and in danger of slipping and breaking their necks at any moment. At the bottom of the stairs was a heavy door, and Greyback opened it, pushed them all inside and slammed the door shut, but just as they hit the ground, a loud, panicked, heart wrenching scream was heard from directly above them.

“HERMIONE!? (Y/N/N)!?”

~~~~~

“I’m going to ask you again! Where did you take this sword? WHERE?!”

“We found it! - We found it! - PLEASE!!”

“You’re lying, you filthy mudblood, and I know it. You have been inside my vault at Gringotts! Tell the truth! TELL THE TRUTH!!”

“It was my fault!”, cried (Y/N) desperately, hoping that Bellatrix wouldn’t be as harsh on her since she was a half blood. Deep down, she knew that this was highly improbable, but she couldn’t stand watching Hermione writhing in pain. “I found it, Hermione had nothing to do with it! Leave her alone!”

Bellatrix dropped Hermione, and (Y/N) was pulled off the ground for the umpteenth time that day.

“Don’t you worry. You’ll get your fair share too - Ah!”

In just that moment, Greyback walked the last few steps of the stairs and entered the big room.

“Right on time, Grayback! Do what you want with this one.”

She threw (Y/N) into Greyback’s arms and turned back to Hermione.

“See if you can get anything of value out of her first, though. If her father is part of the Order as you say, then surely enough… persuasion… should give us something.”

Greyback dragged (Y/N) by the hair so that they were a few feet away from Bellatrix, and bent over the girl standing on all four. His wild face was merely inches from hers, and she flinched involuntarily feeling his warm breath on her neck. The werewolf stroked his hairy hand across her cheek, and (Y/N) closed her eyes, desperately trying to imagine being somewhere else. She was, however, fully aware of the fact that this was only the beginning. Greyback was famous for his savagery and brutal methods, and her father had once told her the story of their first encounter. Remus had told her how her grandfather, Lyall, had insulted the werewolf, who would later take his revenge by biting Lyall’s son.

Suddenly, a burning sensation spread from her neck down to her waist - causing her to let out a pained scream. She had been so lost in thought that she failed to notice Greyback raising his hand, with nails like claws, and slashing it across her body. Her thin shirt went from light green to red in a matter of seconds and she scrambled to get away from him - ultimately failing when he caught some of her hair between his hand and the floor.

“You know”, growled Greyback. “I told Potter and the blood traitor I’d save my sample of yourself for Saturday but… why choose?”

He grabbed her hands and held them far away from the rest of her body, giving her little to no chance of protecting herself, bent closer and sank his sharp teeth deep into her shoulder.

(Y/N) let out yet another bloodcurdling scream and thrashed violently, which only caused Greyback to scratch his claws across her face before swiftly standing and landing a rough kick to her stomach.

She coughed slightly and tried to get up, but it was then Greyback finally seemed to remember the fact that he owned a wand.

“What do ya’ think you’re doin’? Stay on the floor, where ya’ belong! CRUCIO!”

(Y/N) began writhing in pain, just like Hermione had earlier, but the sheer strength of the curse combined with previous pain, blood loss and the mental trauma of having been bitten by a werewolf - though not transformed at the time - was enough to make her stop fighting. She didn’t fully pass out, but lay limp at the floor.

Bellatrix had bound Hermione to a pillar near the fireplace and was instead questioning a goblin about the Sword of Gryffindor.

“No”, said Griphook. “It is a fake”

“Are you sure? Quite sure?”

“Yes”

“Good”, she said, and with a casual flick of her wand she slashed another deep cut on the goblin’s face. “And now - we call the Dark Lord. I’m sure we can dispose of these two”. She used her foot to turn (Y/N) over and studied her broken being with a sly smile. “Keep ‘em if you want, Greyback!”

“NOOOOOOOO!”

Ron and Harry dashed into the room, Ron disarming Bellatrix and Harry catching her wand while simultaneously stunning Lucius Malfoy.

“STOP OR THEY DIE!!”

Harry and Ron both looked at Bellatrix who held a struggling Hermione in one hand, and used the other to press a silver dagger to her neck - all while resting a high heeled boot millimetres above the throat of (Y/N)’s now unconscious form.

“Drop the wands, or I won’t hesitate to let them both die covered in their own filthy blood. I said DROP THEM!!!!”

The boys threw the wands to the floor and Draco, after being told to, picked them up. Harry could feel Voldemort approaching, and the situation felt quite hopeless… None of them had a wand, he and Ron stood with their hands by their shoulders and wands pointing in their direction, and Bellatrix - who had already taken Sirius from him - had both the girls in her grasp.

“Now, I think we ought to tie these little heroes up again.”, said Bellatrix softly. “While Greyback takes care of Miss Halfbreed. I suppose you could have the mudblood too, if you fancy it. I’m sure the Dark Lord won’t begrudge you that after all you have done tonight.”

Her speech was interrupted by a peculiar grinding noise from above. All of them looked up and noticed Dobby on the chandelier. Bellatrix dropped Hermione and jumped out of the way - the chandelier falling on top of Hermione, (Y/N) and Griphook. Harry took the chance and pulled their wands out of Draco’s hand and then joined Ron in trying to get the girls to safety. He pointed all the wands at Greyback at the same time and shouted “STUPIFY!”, before picking (Y/N/N) up into his arms. They all stood surrounding Dobby who apparated them all out of there.

~~~~~

A soft knock caused (Y/N) to immediately look towards the door, but she breathed a sigh of relief once realizing that it was safe. She had been rather jumpy since their capture, and she hated feeling so… weak? Fragile? Hopeless?

“Hey, you doing alright?”

“Hi, Bill. Yes, I’m good. How’s Hermione?”

Bill smiled. “She’ll be fine. I’m sure it must have been horrifying for her, but trust me, we’ve seen worse. With both Fleur and Ron by her side I can’t find a reason to be worried. Honestly, I’m much more concerned about you.”

“Bill, I’m f-”

“No, see, I don’t think you are. Purely based on what the others have told me, you’ve gone through both physical and mental torture beyond what even the least decent person should consider ‘acceptable’. Your silence, constant twitching and rapid breathing further supports that theory. We just want to help.”

“Look, I appreciate that, I really do bu-”

“Do you want me to send word to your dad?”

“I- Wha- No! No, I’ll manage. A day or two to rest and a chance to process all that happened should get me back on my feet. I don’t want to worry him… Please, Bill, do-”

“Okay, I won’t write”, said Bill hesitantly. “But then you must promise to let us help. And if Remus contacts us asking whether we know anything about the four of you - I won’t lie. He’s done that roughly twice a week since November, though weirdly enough not the last couple of days, and there’s a bond of trust there, (Y/N/N). I trust you can understand that?”

“Of course”, she said, managing a weak smile. “But surely you, if anyone, would understand that you have to move on. I mean, you were attacked in essentially the same way last year and you sti-”

But Bill just shook his head.

“No, (Y/N/N), they’re not ‘essentially the same’. Not at all. When Greyback-”, (Y/N) flinched at the name and Bill put a hand on her shoulder. “When he attacked me, it was quick. Sure, it hurt like hell, but it was over in less than a minute. And I know you won’t like me saying this, but I suspect that was the case even for your dad. What he’s had to endure since that night is a whole nother story, but the actual moment? For the two of us, he was out to kill, and thankfully interrupted before he got the chance, but in your case I wouldn’t call it an ‘attack’ but rather… An intrusion, or violation if you will. (Y/N/N), what you went through, I can’t even imagine.”

Bill could tell the young girl didn’t know what to say, so he simply pulled her in for a gentle hug.

“Do you want me to ask Harry to come up?”

“What are they doing? I don’t wanna interru-”

“Just having dinner. We’d have brought you downstairs too, but you were still unconscious or sleeping half an hour ago. Fleur didn’t feel the need to drag you out of bed then.” He paused and examined her for a moment before standing.

“I’ll get him, give me a minute.”

~~~~~

“Harry, what if Dumbledore wanted us to work out the symbol in time to get the wand? What i-”

“Ron, I-”

Their conversation was interrupted when Bill entered the kitchen.

“Harry? She’s up.”

Harry turned to his best friend’s brother, a look of utter confusion on his face.

“I.. Wha- How is she? Can I-”

“Go. She’s trying to be strong, of course, yet there’s something more there. Her bravery is admirable, but I don’t think it’s very healthy to keep it all bottled up. If anyone could get her to let it out it’d be you. Go.”

~~~~~

Harry carefully pushed the door open, and his eyes immediately found hers. They had been friends for so many years now, that reading each other’s thoughts was considered ‘normal’. Harry was instantaneously relieved when she didn’t jump, flinch or move away from the door. He walked over to the bed and was pulled into a loving hug before even sitting down. That was not what he had expected…! Sure, he had hoped that she wouldn’t be completely broken, but considering everything he - they - had been through, he hadn’t dared to imagine any best case scenario only to be completely crushed by the truth.

“(Y/N/N)? How a-”

But that was all it took - for him to say her name. She wasn’t sobbing, just crying silently - tears falling freely from her eyes.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, Harry. Crying’s not going to help anyone I just-”

“(Y/N/N), don’t apologize, please. Just let it out, you’re safe. I’m here and I’m not leaving you again, okay? You’re safe now. You’re sa-”

There was a loud ‘BANG’ on the front door. Harry grabbed his wand and took a few careful steps down the stairs, constantly making sure that (Y/N/N) was right behind him. He grabbed her hand tightly and watched as Bill, with his wand pointing towards the door, made his way from the kitchen to the hallway.

“Who is it?”

“It is I, Remus John Lupin. I’m a werewolf, married to Nymphadora Tonks, and you, the Secret Keeper of Shell Cottage, told me the address, and bade me come in an emergency.”

“Lupin!”

Bill ran to the door and wretched it open. (Y/N/N) looked over Harry’s shoulder and saw her dad stumble over the threshold before standing up straight and exclaiming “It’s a boy! We’ve named him Ted after Dora’s father.”

“Wow, that’s amazing!”, sad Bill sounding uncharacteristically nervous as he met Fleur’s gaze. Tonks having her baby would explain Remus’ lack of messages for the past few days, and Bill was starting to regret not letting him know about his daughter’s condition as soon as she had arrived.

Remus seemed to calm down slightly as well, and suddenly noticed Ron, Hermione, Dean and Luna at the dining table

“Wha-”, he began, but Bill just nodded towards the living room.

“Remus, look, I think you better sit down and I-”

But the older man didn’t seem to agree with whatever Bill was going to suggest.

“What happened?! When?! And whe-”

He didn’t get to say much more before two arms wrapped around him from behind. He knew, given the current state of the Wizarding World, that he should grab his wand and push them away, but he already suspected who it was. His theory was confirmed by a hoarse whisper:

“Dad.”

It was such a short word, but her voice broke nonetheless. He began turning around, desperate to get a good look at his daughter after over eight months apart, but she struggled against him.

“(Y/N/N), let me look at you?! Stop- NO, stop it I-”

He might just have travelled through a storm, but was still the stronger of the two. Physical strength would, however, prove to be essentially worthless, and the Marauder fell to his knees as soon as he laid eyes on his only daughter. He forced himself to look at her, but it must have been one of the most challenging things the man had ever had to do.

She was covered in deep wounds & scratches from head to toe. Her wrists were bloody and bruised and at least a few, red bite marks stood out against her otherwise pale skin. Her eyes were red, and her face was still covered in wet tears. She was trying her best to stand up straight, but no one knew (Y/N/N) like her father did - not even Harry - and Remus immediately sensed that something was wrong. She was crouching down ever so slightly - almost as if she had been curled up or forced into a fetal position for way too long.

“Oh, darling…”

Those two words were the only ones he managed while his mind desperately worked on processing the sight in front of him. He had come with the intention of sharing some joyful news, but this - what had happened instead - was way beyond his worst nightmares. His boggart had been the full moon for as long as he could remember, but he was quite sure the silvery orb would not glide out from the cupboard the next time he had to face one.

“(Y/N/N)?”, mumbled Harry. “Do you want some help upstairs? I feel like you two could use some privacy..?”

She nodded, and Harry, who had now also noticed her unusual posture, placed her right arm over his shoulders and helped her back up. Her father - naturally - followed closely behind.

~~~~~

(Y/N/N) sat back on the bed from before, her gaze focused on a particularly interesting spot on the floor. Her father sat down next to her and gently placed an arm around her small body, expertly avoiding the many red or brownish lines. She wanted to look back at him. To put her arm around him and return the hug, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Sure, he did promise her not to blame himself for whatever fights she chose, but this was different. She hadn’t chosen this one, and her wounds were far worse than anything Umbridge had ever accomplished. Just the thought of having to tell him who was responsible and what he had said frightened her. Not that she was scared of her dad, but she knew he would claim that everything was his fault. She couldn’t lie, though. Not this time. He deserved to know exactly what happened.

“(Y/N/N)? Darling? Are you okay? What happened?”

His voice was now extremely gentle, which was comforting for (Y/N) too. She took a deep breath and turned to face him. She spoke barely above a whisper, her neck still bruised and sore from the countless times she had been grabbed and held by it.

“Yes. Yes, I’m good. Or fine at least.”

“I assume you understand that I want to hear the full story, but I must ask - when?”

He reached towards her shoulder and gently brought his hand over the bite marks.

“‘round Easter, I don’t know exactly… seventh? eight? ninth? Not the eleventh though, I’m sure of that.”

His facial expression went from terrified to slightly calmer as he rubbed his temple.

“Okay, that’s… that’s good. Given the circumstances, I mean. And you’re absolutely positive? Because sometimes traumatic events can make you forge-”

“Dad, I’m sure! If there’s one part of me that’s in prime condition it’s my memory...I- I remember every second.”

She shuddered at the thought of if all, and quickly added, “He wasn’t transformed…”

Remus looked at her sadly, the truth, or at least parts of it, now clear to him.

“Not Gre-”

“DoN’t! Please...”

She put her head on his torso when he pulled her closer.

“Please, I can’t-”

“Breathe, Darling. You’re safe. I’m sorry I… Blimey I should have guessed. Took me months and I was barely five… C’mere.”

They sat like that for a while, Remus resting his head on his daughter’s while humming quietly. He eventually decided he couldn’t take it anymore and cleared his throat to catch her attention.

“(Y/N/N)? You have to tell me what happened. Have you gotten these wounds treated? They don’t look very good…”

“Trust me, they were much worse back then. I think Fleur did her best to heal them. She’s really goo-”

He looked away and took a deep breath. “You’re avoiding the question, (Y/N/N)…”

“Dad, I do-”

“YOU PROMISED!”

He slammed his hands down on the bed as his voice grew angrier.

“(Y/N), you promised me you’d never hide any kind of pain from me ever again?! I-”

He suddenly noticed his daughter desperately cowering away and lowered his voice.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry, but I trusted that promise! And don’t even try to tell me how ‘you’re fine’ or ‘it’s not really even hurting anymore’. (Y/N/N), I have known you your whole life, let me help. You must te-”

“I know. I will. I know you deserve that, just… I don’t know where to start? A lot has happened… And I also need you to know that I didn’t break my promise. Bill and Harry told me I’ve been drifting in and out of consciousness for days. I only properly woke up an hour or so before you came and haven’t had time to send a message.”

He looked at her, and she moved closer again.

“Sor-”

“It’s good, dad. We’re good, don’t worry about it.”

Then she told him. The entire story - starting with breaking into the Ministry and then everything about Godric’s Hollow, The Lovegoods’ house - but came to an abrupt stop after that. She took a moment to collect her thoughts, but then shared the events of the past two weeks as well. She told her father all about Harry accidentally using You-Know-Who’s name, the group of snatchers surrounding them and their decision not to try to fight their way out.

“We were outnumbered, and had to hide the fact that they had just caught Harry. Hermione used a stinging jinx which, naturally, worked perfectly - they didn’t recognize him at first. They tied us all up and started asking questions about names, blood status and so on. None of us gave them our real names of course, and it worked well until… until he… until he stepped out of the shadows and told the others that the name I had given them was false. It took him a minute or two, but he claimed to… ‘recognize my smell’ - your smell, I suppose.”

“(Y/N/N), it’s m-”

“No! You can’t blame yourself. That was your part of the deal, remember?”

“Well, this time it seem like it actually was-”

“not your fault, exactly. The snatchers found some photographs in the Prophet, Harry’s glasses and a bunch of other stuff and kind of made the connection themselves.”

She explained how they were taken to Malfoy Manor. How Bellatrix had ordered everyone apart from the two girls down to the dungeons. How she had bound them even tighter before taking care of Hermione, and later Griphook, herself and leaving (Y/N) defenceless to deal with Greyback.

“Do you know what the worst part is? I barely even tried to defend myself. Merlin, I just felt so... weak!?! So worthless. He just stood there - right by my face - breathing and”, she shuddered again, “‘petting’. Then he hacked, and slashed, and bit, and kicked and pushed. Eventually realized he was in possession of a wand and… It was unbearable, I-I-I can’t even... ”

“Shhh, breathe, Darling, breathe! Easy there…”

He pulled her, if possible, even closer until she sat in her father’s lap. (Y/N) used to fall asleep in his lap when she was a little girl - the warmth and comfort calming her down - but it had been years since… She was, after all, a young adult now.

“Listen, and I need you to understand this because it is very important - you are not weak! Far from it! In a situation like what you have just described, if you are wandless and unable to practically defend yourself, coming with sly remarks and trying to argue with the one in possession of the wand would not only be dangerous, but also rather careless. If there was anything I could do to change what happened, then believe me, I would, but don’t for a second beat yourself up over your decisions.”

Remus looked at (Y/N/N), but chuckled slightly when he noticed his daughter slowly drifting off to sleep. He decided to shake her slightly and wake her before it was too late.

“(Y/N/N)? Don’t you think it’s better if we go home? You can go to sleep there instead?”

“What?”, she mumbled. “But, dad, we’re not done yet? Harry, Ron and Hermione-”

“-Will just have to do without you for a while. Listen to reason, darling. You are injured, shaken and can barely stand up straight - which is perfectly understandable! I’m just saying, the best thing you can do is probably to rest and let them go on for now. Who knows, maybe you will be able to go back after healing?”

Remus made a mental note to keep his daughter close to him from now on, and NOT to let her throw herself back into the war, but felt like this was the best way to convince her right away. He had missed her every minute since they had parted ways back in August, and dreamt of the day they’d reunite, but never had he imagined he’d find her in such a state. He swore to himself that he would always try to keep her safe.

His daughter

His darling

His (Y/N/N)

Never again…

~ L

Part 3 I’ll be by your side

Masterlist

#remus lupin x daughter reader #remus lupin x reader #remus lupin x daughter #harry potter x reader #harry x reader #lupin x reader #harry potter imagine #hp imagine #marauders imagine #deathly hallows imagine #torture #malfoy #bill weasley imagine #ron weasley imagine #hermione granger imagine #remus lupinxdaughter!reader #harry potter angst #creative writing #harry potter fan fiction

[hekate1308]

Fictober #3

Prompt: I’ve waited for this

Fandom: Supernatural

Pairings: Gen, Crowley & Dean Winchester

As he had pointed out more than once, patience had never been one of his virtues.

So it was probably only logical that he was now forced to wait. And wait. And wait.

Figured he would be the one demon who couldn’t rest in the Empty, not even after he had offed himself to save the boys.

No, here he was, sitting there, with nothing to occupy or distract him but his own thoughts, waiting for –

Well, what, really?

If he was being honest, he didn’t know. If he’d been Cassie, the Winchesters would have moved Heaven (hah) and earth to bring him back, naturally, but he was – well, yes, he had been their enemy.

But if you asked him, for just long enough that he might have been considered a friend.

Oh, who was he kidding. Of course they didn’t think of him as a friend.

But still – he had early on decided that they might at least have wondered what had happened to him after he had stabbed himself.

Not that it mattered. He was still here, still waiting for God knew what, it wasn’t as if anything would change.

Because that was what the Empty was – what angels and demons, much as they pretended they were completely different, both deserved in the end. Just changeless, boring Nothing. They didn’t have the imagination humans needed to survive, so they had never got to picture a better ending for themselves, and it showed.

Not even the Empty itself spoke to him. He’d tried in the beginning, for the simply reason that there was nothing else to do, but it had remained stubbornly silent. When he tried really hard to connect with it, he could have sworn it was… almost angry. At something or someone.

At least he could relate. Not that it helped, since it still wouldn’t talk to him.

Crowley wondered how long he had been here. It felt both like he’d arrived only yesterday and been here forever.

At least when he had first gone to Hell as a human, there had been torture to keep him occupied, to change him into who he had eventually become. But here?

All the others were asleep. Lucky bastards.

They didn’t know.

They didn’t dream.

They didn’t miss – miss anything, really.

Like Craig.

Or Juliet.

Or, worst of all – people.

Even back when he had climbed his way up Hell’s hierarchy, he had never been a proper demon. Damned and angry and full of pain, yes, but he had been all of that when he had been human still, so that had been nothing knew – and of course he had always been open of those who remembered. It had been somewhat of a shock to realize that the other demons had readily forgotten who they had once been. He had never had that luxury.

So, really, it just made sense that he was the one who remembered now, too. The way Dean had looked at him on that last day – the punch – and last but not least that despite all of that, he had still been the one to dress his wounded hand afterwards, because that was who Dean Winchester always had been.

But he normally abandoned that train of thought as quickly as he could because – well, did he really need more pain?

As long as he didn’t feel bored, that was. Once he was desperate enough again to want to feel anything, anything but the hollowness of the Empty, it was easy enough to bring the pain back.

And pain, he had to acknowledge, was all he had, these days.

Would it have been too much to ask the Empty to splurge for a TV, at least?

And then – things changed in the most unexpected of ways.

Or maybe not unexpected after all. Who else would he have been waiting for, anyway?

It wasn’t a sudden change. No, it happened slowly – so slowly he wasn’t even aware of it at first – but the Empty suddenly didn’t seem so… dark anymore.

He would almost have hoped that he was finally sinking into oblivion only it certainly didn’t feel like it.

Instead, he became aware of a pull, something tugging at him –

And then, he was unceremoniously yanked back to earth.

He really could have done without pummelling down onto a field like a stray meteorite, but what could you do?

At least, he thought when his eyes blinked open and he found himself staring straight at Dean Winchester, he had expected this.

“So” he simply stated as he got up and did his best to fix his suit, “What do you need?”

Dean blinked. “What?”

“I’ve been waiting for this” he shrugged. What other reason could the boys have to bring him back? “So, what do you need?”

Only to feel utterly confused a moment later.

For Dean simply shook his head. “Don’t go all dramatic on me, Peaches. Figured it was fair to try and get you back, that’s all. Get in the car.”

#fictober21 #spn #my writings #crowley #dean winchester #if you thought this could work without crowley saving you haven't been paying attention

[finaledenialist]

Not to be that person, but watching season 7 Dean admit that he's suicidal after Cas' death (plus post-cage Sam's issues) really makes you think about his 'chosen' death by rusty nail huh...

warnings: su*cide is discussed here

I must admit I don’t remember exactly how it went in season 7 for Dean: I know he was spiraling and he even admitted to Eliot Ness that he would give up hunting if he could, there was also Bobby’s death and all BUT 

yes, if I, for the sake of this discussion, pretend that the finale exist, then the only way I could make sense of it is Dean jumping on the first case that presented itself after Jack didn’t bring back Cas after bringing back everyone else with maybe not a plan, but a hope? A whatever will happen will happen attitude?

 Because Dean probably assumed that: 

if bringing Cas back was possible Jack would have done this the second he brought back anyone else (because it was Jack for god’s sake, and Jack loved Cas);

if Jack, the new God, the most powerful being in the world, couldn’t bring Cas back then it must have meant that bringing him back it’s just simply impossible; 

if it’s 100% impossible and Cas will never be back... Well we all have seen season 13, right?

So, the case presents itself, some stupid vampires, whatever. Dean kills some of them, sure, but he lacks the spark that he has always had, he lacks motivation because what is there to fight for, what is there to live for anymore, right? What is the point? Add his lifelong issues to that and when he saw the opportunity to just... go AND make it look like an accident (because he knew Sam would have been wrecked if he figured out that Dean did this on purpose), he just let it happen. 

He even went further than that: he prevented Sam from calling help when he didn’t die immediately, he used Sam’s shock and panicked response to focus on him, he gives him a speech about living and you go Sam, live your life, be happy, quit this hunting stuff and all. 

In some tragic, twisted way at the very least that interpretation makes it Dean’s choice (a tragic choice and a terrible wrong message to send to the fans of the show, of course but a choice nevertheless): he stopped believing his life has a point, he just didn’t want to do this anymore, he was tired, he lost faith that he could ever be happy here (or at least the very little of this faith that he started to develop) and he thought that there is nothing worth fighting for anymore. And Sam will be fine, because he is different, he always had more faith and he is a grown ass man who, Dean realized somewhere along the way, doesn’t need him anymore the way he needed him almost all his life. 

In a way Dean broke free from John’s orders to protect Sam with his own life (he couldn’t break free from this in life, on earth - this is established in canon, because 15 years have passed and in Dean’s mind Sam was always his little brother, dying was his tragic way of ending that cycle); and who knows: maybe he also hoped that he will meet Cas in the afterlife, because he surely wasn’t going to reunite with him in this life. But most probably he just wanted some god damn peace and to be free of all the responsibilities and of the life centered around killing and hunting, because this life is beyond miserable and he stopped perceiving himself as his dad’s killing machine because of what Cas said to him, but if he stayed alive he wouldn’t stop hunting and killing, he knew that living without it for him was just impossible, this was another pattern/cycle he wasn’t able to break while alive (he almost succeeded with Lisa, but the life eventually caught up to him, he also didn’t know another way to live than centering it around hunting and helping people).

Plus, he must have thought he was already too old to look for someone new to be in a relationship with and he must have known that 

no one will know him as well as Cas and he wanted to be known, he wanted to be seen because we all want someone to know us and love us despite everything; what’s even more important though, Cas knew him without Dean actually telling him anything (and Dean sucks at talking), he could read him, he knew his soul, he could sense how Dean was feeling and if something was wrong without Dean having to talk about it; Cas saw him at his absolute worst (as a torturer in Hell) and decided to save him and help him and ultimately fell for him and in love with him; like, Dean must have known, even in his repressed 42 year old heart, that no one could ever compare to that, because no one could ever see and know him like that, because it was just impossible. 

meeting someone new gave two options: a) unloading all of his life history to another person, risking being rejected, risking repeating this with a lot of people until he - and that is a maybe - finally found someone, b) pretending he was someone else (even if, hypothetically, Dean would get together with some other hunter who knew the lifestyle and heard legends about Dean), bottling everything up like he did all his life - and that choice ultimately also sucked.

So, having analyzed that he probably thought that it’s just not worth trying, you know. He also probably thought he was already older than he ever thought he would be, imagine how tired Dean must have been, and he just lost his, ‘reason to get up in the morning’. He spent the same amount of time on earth as in hell, in a way his soul was 80 years old. This man was mentally exhausted. But because he was still, somehow, full of love, instead of shooting himself in the head or driving off a cliff he decided, for the sake of his brother, to make it look like a hunt accident, one that he has talked about for years (that this would probably be his ending, it wouldn’t look suspicious, especially after he acts like the happiest person in the world on this Pie Festival or whatever that was), one that would even maybe have the effect of Sam leaving the hunting life and maybe making one more attempt at having a normal life. 

Of course, none of that would happen if Cas was just brought back, because he was Dean’s cure to everything, and after that confession? Dean wouldn’t let go of Castiel’s hand, ever. Cas was his rock, solid. Of course this is a toxic thing to depend your life on someone else (you should learn to be your own happiness, accept yourself and so on, yes), but life is not perfect and we’re talking about a mentally ill person who found his light and a reason to go on in someone else, in someone who loved them unconditionally, which could, for them, be the first big step on self-recovery, and that person was brutally taken away from them. 

For Dean, learning that Cas loving him and him being Castiel’s happiness was what ultimately got Cas dead?! This was one of Dean’s biggest fear, it hit right home, it was ‘I let down every god forsaken thing I care about’ and ‘The moment Cas laid a hand on you he was lost’ and ‘I am poison’ becoming his self-fulfilling prophecy. It crushed him.  

I just hate that this makes sense.

#ask #anon #suicide tw #mental illness tw #dean studies #spn finale #Anonymous

[pastelwitchling]

It’s that time of year again, folks. Goodness, that feels odd to say after so long. Watching this episode, I realized that I truly do not care about anyone except Alex, and occasionally the pod squad 😂 I’ve watched each of Alex’s scenes at least three times at this point, and watched Isobel mention Alex to Michael twice, but I did also watch the rest of the episode, so without further ado, grab a nice cup of tea, maybe a snack, because here are my (mostly Alex) thoughts on last night’s season 3 premiere.

I was bored watching everyone else 😅 I think a lot of it stemmed from frustration. I still cannot get over the fact that this whole narrative is treating Max like the one in the wrong when it’s undoubtedly Liz. I’m also not a fan of the storyline where the female character is just constantly fawned over by every handsome guy she meets. It seems like wherever Liz is, whoever she’s working with, they’re always so in love with her, singing her praises and doing everything for her. I just dislike it because it feels very much like pandering, like the woman would never survive if there was someone who acted like, you know, a human around her as oppose to a worshipper. It wasn’t a big thing, I just had to roll my eyes quite a bit.

Kyle. That man needs a break. Thank God, they were going with what I hoped, and ended his relationship with Steph in a throwaway line. That moment he shared with Isobel was so touching, I couldn’t stand it. Huh. Scratch that, I only care about Alex, malex, forlex, the pod squad, and Kyle. That kylex moment - I can’t. Please, God, let this season have so many more kylex moments. I also love kybel, I love their relationship. More Kyle, Alex, and Isobel please.

I don’t like Maria with Gregory. I want redemption for her, but I don’t think she can get that if they have her with another Manes. Just... keep her away from the Manes men. I do not want her near the Manes men. I’m not mortified by it, per say, but I do strongly dislike it right now. It might grow on me later, depending on how she acts.

I will say though I did appreciate the, “You know, Alex is back. Are you here to invite me to the wedding?” This was what I’d hoped from her from the beginning, supporting malex getting together! So long as they don’t mention an “ex” again throughout the show, I’ll be happy. The best thing they can do at this point is pretend the tragedy of season 2 never happened.

(Side note: I’d really love it if Maria stopped taking every chance she got to insult Michael. That’d be nice. Or if they’re going to do it, let someone call her out on it. Like, it’s okay if you scold a woman or give her a genuine flaw that people acknowledge. She’s not made of glass.)

Max looked so cute, I could die. Isn’t he just gorgeous when he’s all tortured? 😂😍❤ I love him. That moment when he listened to Liz’s recording had me near tears. He’s just so tired and so frightened and I think Nathan Dean really nailed the emotion. Have I said I love him yet? I love him. 

I enjoyed the pod squad moments, I love Michael and Max’s relationship, I love seeing Isobel and Michael work together to save Max, I love the family of it, it’s so heartwarming.

Now. Malex. Y’all. Words cannot express how I felt when Michael stopped in front of that shop window to fix his hair. That is some fanfic stuff I would write, my heart jumped, I had to hide my smile I felt so bashful, like I was suddenly intruding on a private moment. And then the way Michael reacted to Maria? I love how they showed he didn’t want nor could take any comfort in her. Not in animosity towards Maria (well, maybe a little), but in the fact that you just know she could never do that for him like Alex could and he wasn’t going to pretend otherwise anymore. I thought it was a bit of a missed opportunity with malex, as they could’ve had Michael show that he wanted and needed that comfort from Alex, but hopefully they’re just waiting to have a big scene with them in 3x03, since Alex isn’t in 3x02.

Forlex. The kisses, the moment in bed, Alex’s smirk when Forrest asked him if he got in okay (😱), my heart was thrashing. And, well, I won’t pretend my heart isn’t broken that it’s already over. I freaking love forlex, I love Forrest so much, hats off to Christian Antidormi who came in and really just knocked it out of the park. I think the show was made all the better, and Alex all the happier, for having had him. I’m not angry or too upset about it though, because I’ll still be writing the forlex merman  au bonus story, I’ll still love them together, and I’ll keep Forrest in my heart forever. Also, the missed opportunities with Wyatt Long they could’ve had, really emphasizing how both Alex and Forrest are the black sheep of their families -- it would’ve been brilliant.

Not to mention, as a storyteller myself, I do think it was a little rushed the way Deep Sky was explained and then Forrest leaving, but in truth, I guess I’ve just lived with forlex over the whole hiatus, I’ve written about them so often, that I feel like I spent the past year with them so the scene is very emotionally heavy to me, and I could feel and understand Alex’s tears at seeing this one man who had allowed him so much freedom to just be leaving like that for good.

I am, however, very hopeful for malex’s friendship this season. I do think, realistically, it would be much easier for them to get closer without Forrest there, but at the same time -- again, missed opportunity. The way Alex was already being given E Clearance, like the badass he is, I got goosebumps 🤩😍

I am feeling emotional, hopeful, inspired. I want to write like crazy, which -- as anyone who’s been following me lately and read about my mental breakdown may know -- is the greatest gift anyone could give me. And it all came from Alex, Forrest, and Malex. Who’s shocked? Not me.

I genuinely can’t wait to see what happens the rest of the episodes. I am ready for the (hopefully) wonderful and heartwarming surprises. Already, this season looks promising.

#rnm thoughts #alex manes #michael guerin #forrest long #forlex #malex #kylex #kyle valenti #max evans #gregory manes #isobel evans #anti maria deluca #I guess? #though I do feel like this is pretty ambivalent #but just in case #roswell new mexico #roswell new mexico s3 #rnm 3x01

[kalimagik]

Don’t Walk Away

Harry Potter x Reader

Word Count: 2k

A/N: This lil piece of angst was requested by @queenofmankind​, I hope it breaks your heart(?) Harry angst always hits differently when I write for him. If anyone wants Harry fluff, please request it so that I have Harry fluff on my page (ahaha) If you enjoy reading, like, reblog, comment, follow! whatever you’d like! Happy reading, lovelies <3<3

Read Part 2!

Falling in love with Harry was easy. You had been doing it from the moment you met him. All the small glances, shy conversations, and moments of getting to know each other. When you started dating, it became even easier. He would surprise you with picnics next to Black Lake. Leave little gifts of chocolates or sweets on your bed in your dormitory, though you had no idea how they got there. Those late, late evenings cuddling in front of the Common Room fireplace. Even when he grabbed your hand in the corridors between classes, your heart soared.

You loved Harry Potter with all your heart and he loved you too…but only for some time. The changes were small enough at first that you thought maybe it could have been a slump. All relationships go through those.

“Hello, love,” you smiled as you sat down next to him at dinner one day. He seemed to be preoccupied, but school had been hard recently, so you understood. “Hi, Harry,” you repeated when he still hadn’t answered.

“Oh, hey Y/N/N. How has your day been?” he asked, even though he seemed to be looking for someone.

“It was alright. Snape was giving me a hard time, but it’s better now that I can spend some time with you,” you said, laying your head onto his shoulder. You may have needed to initiate it, but you had been craving his touch recently. You couldn’t seem to get enough of him. “How was yours?”

“I’m sorry to cut this short, Y/N. I have to work on this assignment with Hermione. I forgot about it. I’ll see you later, okay?”

Before you could get in a word edgewise, Harry had stood and walked away from the table. As you watched him go, you noticed that he caught up with Cho Chang right before he exited the Great Hall. But you thought that was funny because he and Cho hadn’t talked for weeks. You really didn’t think much of it until Hermione strode through the doors and to where you were sitting.

“Uhhh, why are you looking at me like that?” Hermione asked from across the table once she sat down.

“It’s nothing.” You shook your head, thinking you could put the incident out of your mind. You trusted Harry.

As the days continued, you tried to be with Harry as much as possible, even if it meant sharing your time with him with Ron and Hermione too. You did love to be with the both of them, but part of you just wanted him to yourself for a bit. Something was wrong though. Harry was distant. When he was sitting right next to you, he felt miles away.

The incident at dinner days before wasn’t a one-time thing. Harry seemed to be slipping from her fingers, he disappeared more often than a ghost. It was like he was becoming a ghost.

“Have you seen Harry?” You asked around the Common Room and library. Dean, Hermione, Katie Bell, Seamus, Fred and George, even Neville. None of them had seen him.

“Is he late again?” Hermione looked at you sadly.

You didn’t want your worries displayed for all the school to see. So, you gritted your teeth and smiled, “No. Just curious.” You weren’t just curious. You were supposed to hang out together, as in just the two of you, for the first time in weeks. Leaving Hermione, you wandered around the castle aimlessly. You had finished all of your assignments ahead of time so that you didn’t have anything to worry about when you hung out.

Your footsteps echoed in the hallways. The silence encased you like a sheet. That was until you heard someone giggling. It was soft and hidden. You inch forward to a corner, curious about who is there. Maybe you could tell Harry the gossip when you see him next. Before you could process anything, you flatten yourself against the wall right next to the corner where the two halls intersect. Was that Harry’s voice?

You feel you breathing get heavy as you listen to him joke, joke with…? You're right next to the corner, so close that you could take one step and be in full view of whoever was sitting there. Instead of exposing yourself, you turn your head ever so slightly, one eye able to see who it is in the outer edge of your periphery.

Cho. Cho Chang was sitting there with your boyfriend and she had more of his focused attention than you had had in weeks. You felt the first major crack in your heart, but you could patch it up right? Maybe Harry was just being sweet and found her crying or something. He was thoughtful like that.

You felt the cool stone against the back of your head as you shut your eyes. Maybe you were just torturing yourself at this point. You should probably go back to the Common Room. Yeah, the Common Room. That was good. You took off at a sprint, not caring how loud your feet were slapping against the floor.

You had already rounded a corner when you heard Harry calling, asking who was there. You didn’t want him to think that you were spying on him. That wasn’t your intention. You more like…stumbled upon him.

Out of breath and conflicted, you sank into the grass in the courtyard. The fresh air felt nice in your burning lungs. “Hello.” An airy voice startled you.

“Oh, Luna. Sorry, I didn’t realize you were out here.” You relaxed into the grass again as you picked at the blades.

“Something’s…off about you,” Luna observed out loud.

“I’m fine really,” you smiled. The fake on that graced your lips had been your favorite accessory as of late, at least when it came to Harry. Those three words to Luna made your decision for you. You were going to pretend that you didn’t see Harry and Cho. No one else did. You could work past this.

Your personal decision didn’t stop Luna from falling next to you in the grass. “You see that one?” she pointed up to a star.

“You mean the one who’s light is dwindling?” you scoffed. Realizing that you were lashing out at the wrong person, you turned to Luna. “I’m sorry. Tell me about it?”

“My father says that when that happens, at any day, it could start to burn brighter than all the others around it. It’s just waiting for its moment. Either that or the nargles just make it appear to be so.”

The giggle that left you lips was utterly and completely refreshing. It was happiness.

“Thank you, Luna,” you whispered.

“I did nothing. Just shared a fact.”

After hearing about Luna’s other theories about the stars, you felt better. Not healed, but better. “it could start to burn brighter…it’s just waiting for its moment.” Those words swirled around your head as you moved through the next few days. You saw Harry more and he suddenly seemed to be more attentive. Grabbing your hand in the hallways again, sitting with you through meals. It felt nice, but that image of Cho with him sat in the back of your mind.

Then, things went straight downhill. You felt like everyone knew something that you didn’t. Whether it be the people watching your every move as you walked up to Harry or seemed to be sizing you up.

“Hermione, is it just me, or is everyone acting weird?” you asked one night in the library.

She seemed fidgety and didn’t want to meet your eyes. “What do you know?” you demanded.

“There’s kind of this poll about whether you are the one for Harry or not. I tried to tell everyone to knock it off, but no one would listen. Harry doesn’t know anything about it either.” Hermione spilled in a slew of words.

“They’re what?” You were speechless.

“It was a bunch of Ravenclaw girls. Do you know why they would do this?”

Why, oh why was it in you to keep everything to yourself?

“No…I don’t.” you looked back at your book, not seeing the words but instead Cho and Harry together in your head.

The time he spent with you was gone. There was no more hand holding in the hallways. You wanted to and tried to reach for him, but he was too far out of reach. That break in her heart grew the further away he seemed. It wasn’t until you walked into Arithmancy, which you had with Cho, when you saw the tiny little gift box on the desk. She’d seen that wrapping paper many times before, sitting on your bed. Hope fluttered in your chest.

You confidently walked to the desk where the gift was sitting. No one else was in the room yet, but you didn’t need anyone to see something that was special between you and Harry. Picking up the small parcel, you grinned, grinned from ear to ear. This was the moment that everything would be fixed and get better.

You saw the little tag on it, looking to see your name with that cute little heart. Harry was terrible at drawing them and you teased him for it, but that only made him draw them more.

‘Cho’

Your smile faded slowly. You meant to just sit the little gift down on the desk, but instead you practically threw it. It wasn’t even sitting upright anymore. You backed away slowly, it was as if the gift was a cursed object. But it was cursed, maybe not with magic, but it was cursed. It was the knife that tore her heart in two.

The door opened and shut again. Professor Vector walked in and greeted you. You couldn’t leave once the professor walked in. Then other students started to file into the classroom. You slunk to the back row, knowing that Hermione would join soon, but when Cho walked in and saw the gift, it was too much. You didn’t care what Professor Vector thought, the moment Cho picked up the gift, you rushed out of the room.

You were a blur past Hermione at the door. You didn’t stop when she called after you and tried to follow. You didn’t stop when Filch screamed at you for running through the halls and tried to give you detention. You didn’t stop until you were on your hands and knees next to Black Lake.

The pounding in your head was too much, you couldn’t breathe, you couldn’t hear anything over your heart breaking into a million pieces, but somehow, for some reason, you still loved him. Despite all the hurt and heartbreak, you still loved Harry. Why? That’s what you couldn’t wrap your mind around in the midst of a full blown panic attack. It’s crazy what the mind chooses to hyper fixate on.

You felt another presence next to you, but you didn’t want to look up. You were at a low point and over a boy.

“Y/N?” Harry’s voice carried on the wind. “Are you okay? I saw you running in the castle.”

You could only look at him, dumbfounded. He was playing innocent? You wanted to yell and scream and hit him for being so daft. So stupid!

“What’s going on with you?”

You picked one of your hands up off the grass to wipe your tears before you could speak. You still wanted to scream, but you didn’t have the energy for it, so you conceded to the only thing on your mind. “You had to give it to her during a class I had with her, didn’t you?”

“What are you-” Harry’s eyes grew when he realized his mistake. “I- I d-didn’t realize-”

“You don’t love me anymore, do you, Har? Not the way that I love you…” Your words were softer than a whisper, each one a knife in your own heart.

You watch Harry’s face for a sign or an answer, but he avoids your gaze. The grass is suddenly much more interesting than your distraught figure, still not breathing evenly.

“I don’t want you to walk away from me. I thought for so long that you could be my forever, Har. But, I’m not that for you.” You spoke for him. You wanted him to interject and jump in and tell you that everything you said wasn’t true. “I saw you with her. Joking, making her laugh. I know you heard me too. I was the one who ran away.”

“I don’t know what to say, Y/N/N.”

“Stop, don’t call me that.” You shook your head. He wasn’t going to say what you wanted him to. It was the end, you knew it. You couldn’t let it go on any longer. You couldn’t stand to let your heart break over and over again, hoping he would just fix it. “Harry. Please go.”

He didn’t say anything, he just stood up and walked away and your heart was broken.

#harry potter x reader #harry potter #hp fandom #hp #harry potter angst #harry angst #new fic #harry potter fanfic #harry potter fanfiction #harry potter imagine #harry potter x y/n #ron weasley x reader #ron weasley #hermione granger #luna lovegood #fred weasley x reader #fred weasley #george weasley x reader #george weasley #draco malfoy x reader #draco malfoy

[mittensmorgul]

Hi Mittens! Happy holidays! I love your meta and I had a question: I've seen you make a couple posts about Miracle lately, and while I'm definitely angry at canon replacing Cas with a dog, I was kind of taken aback at some of your comments about Dean and dogs (specifically how much you seem to hate that combination; I've never felt strongly about it one way or the other). Do you have a tag or post about your feelings on Dean and dogs? Or could you explain in a little more detail, please?

Hi hi!

Dean... has never been associated positively with dogs on this show-- up to and including that scene in Scoobynatural where he does the SCOOBYDOOBYDOOOOO! and Cas rolls his eyes and tells him flat out he’s not a talking dog. I mean, even in one of Sam’s heaven memories, he’s effectively replaced Dean with a dog... so while Dean was being implied-harshly-punished by John for “losing” Sam, Sam had been having the time of his life with a dog instead... Sorry, I’ve got a lot of resentment for dog symbolism in the show...

Cas has also been associated with dogs in a lot of... let’s go with derogatory comments, and since this dog in the finale was SPECIFICALLY a replacement for Cas in Dean’s life... I find it particularly insulting, you know?

5.14: We get dog comments about Cas and Dean both in this ep. Famine refers to Cas as Dean’s dog... “You sicced your dog on me, I threw him a steak.” And we see Cas crouched on the ground eating meat. Earlier in this ep, Sam teased Dean about his lack of any “appetite” for anything with the comment, “when a dog doesn't eat-- That's when you know something's really wrong.“

7.21: after being banished, he reappears at a dog track, where the dogs were unhappy. so... Cas was basically just another unhappy dog in this part of the story.

10.22: Rowena compares Cas to a “dog who thinks he’s people” for being an angel who rejected heaven and chose his family with the Winchesters.

10.23-11.03: Cas is literally under a spell referred to as “Attack Dog,” which he fights against but is slowly turning him into a killing machine. He seeks help from Heaven, but they only want to use him, to torture information out of him and then kill him once they get what they want. It’s implied he even kills a dog in 11.01.

11.06: when Cas is in the bunker still suffering from trauma related to the attack dog spell, lying in bed and watching tv, he changes the channel to a news story about a dog riding a skateboard, and the newscaster uses Rowena’s line from 10.22: “Aw, that dog thinks it’s people!”

12.19: Lucifer refers to Cas as the Winchesters’ “purse dog,” and s12 is littered with dog references, especially between Lucifer and Crowley (which started back in s11 when Lucifer was using Cas’s vessel and treating Crowley like a dog... there’s a lot of negative baggage attached to dogs on this show)

13.16: Scooby is obviously the one dog Dean’s okay with, having positive childhood associations with him. But when comparing themselves to the scooby gang, Sam says they don’t have a talking dog, and Dean replies that Cas is sort of like a talking dog... which is interesting because at the end of the episode Cas tells Dean he’s NOT a talking dog. And this, in a scene that was directly foreshadowing Dean becoming Michael’s suit...again, more negative baggage for both of them.

The Dean vs Dogs imagery really kicks in when Dean’s soul is destined for Hell in s3, though.

3.10: In his rant to his dream self, Dream!Dean accuses Dean of being as “mindless and obedient as an attack dog,” just a few lines before he gives the “daddy’s blunt little instrument” line that Cas reminded us of in 15.18. So I do think this is something that the writers couldn’t possibly have been unaware of in invoking that specific line and the specific baggage attached to it.

3.11, one of the MANY deaths Dean suffers is from a seemingly nice dog he tries to pet in a friendly manner. The nice golden retriever mauls him to death, like the hellhounds are due to do to him in just a few short episodes... 

3.16: literally torn apart by hellhounds... don’t know how else to make it clear that Dean Is Not A Fan of this.

4.06: suffering from Ghost Sickness, and being magically forced to experience heightened levels of fear, he runs from a lil Yorkie with a bow in its hair, pausing only long enough to warn another person on the street to run before it kills them. We are invited to see how his biggest fear-- of Lilith, of being tortured in Hell, and having been dragged there by hellhounds-- is literally tied to his feelings toward actual dogs, including nonthreatening little lap dogs.

6.01: When Dean falls under the djinn’s spell, he hallucinates an unseen monster, presumably something akin to a hellhound, but when he thinks he’s caught the monster, it’s the neighbor’s Yorkie. Just like in 4.05, Dogs, Hellhounds, and Things Dean Fears In His Soul are all tangled up together.

6.08: aka that one episode I forget exists until it comes back around on the loop (actually I don’t forget it exists anymore, I’ve seen the show too many times at this point, but meh...). But it does plant this fear, that any dog anywhere might not really be a dog. The “sleeper cell” skinwalker packs in cities all over the world? Yeah, not a happy thought for someone who really doesn’t like dogs. Or at the very least has a low-key fear of them.

7.15: I would qualify this one as just “symbolism,” but since this episode is full of anvils, it feels legit to mention that the spell Jeffrey uses to summon his demon back to him involves using Dean’s blood and a dog’s heart. Not really a dean/fear thing, but Dean AS a dog-- and a sacrificed dog at that.

8.01: When Dean gets back from Purgatory, he gets in the Impala and smells dog. Bringing on the famous rule that he’s quite angry about Sam having clearly violated even when he wasn’t on the same plane of existence at the time-- No dogs in the car. He’s still clearly not a fan. Early s8 becomes a long string of “Sam hit a dog” comments, too.

8.15: for all this episode’s grossness, it does remind us over and over again that Dean really does not like dogs. Even flat out having Dean say he likes dogs, and the woman who literally is a dog familiar tells him that no, he doesn’t.

9.05: Dean... is basically a dog. He bonds with the Colonel a bit, even identifies with the dog while he’s under the spell, but all that good will that built up between them effectively shatters again with the ominous last words he gets before the spell wears off and the knowledge that dogs were not created to be man’s best friend, but had some other-- and in this context seemingly sinister-- purpose.

And then we have every other ep that deals with Hellhounds, Dean’s failure to kill one leading to Sam taking on the trials instead of him, tied up in their mutual discussion of what they see as their respective futures-- Sam wants to live, and he wants Dean to live, too, instead of Dean constantly running toward death and self-sacrifice. So like, these themes are all tied up together, and makes all the dog stuff incredibly not fun when it comes to Dean specifically.

So when Dean does lose Cas-- and everyone else on the planet-- the dog being the ONE living being they’ve found, Dean picking her up and putting her in “Cas’s place” in the car, only to have Chuck snap her away like she was a manipulative trick the entire time? Not even really real, just one more thing to give Dean a tiny bit of hope only to maliciously snatch it away again?

And then for the SINGLE thing Dean asked for from Chuck being to bring Cas back?

And then he doesn’t get Cas back, but apparently kidnaps this random dog instead?

It’s just... indescribably weird to me, and so entirely out of character and insulting to Cas on top of it all. Like this was the only happiness Dean was allowed after saving the universe. No found extended family, no life outside of Sam and hunting, no dream of retiring and finding a beach to sink his toes in the sand for a little while. He just gets a dog, which he canonically doesn’t like and has a lot of issues with for entirely understandable reasons. So like.. .how is this cute or happy or nice?

#dean vs dogs #spn 15.20 #i'm sorry the dog thing is just making me irrationally angry on dean's behalf but dammit it's just gross to me #Anonymous

[crowleys-bastard-angel]

I honestly don't like SPN as a whole much at all anymore.  Like, I don't like the show as a whole, I don't like 90% of the characters, I don't like 90% of the fandom, and I don't like the concept itself("heroic" Hunters going around mercilessly killing "evil" Supernaturals and being praised for it).

Before you ask why I started watching it if I don't like it, I didn't always dislike it.  When I was younger, my sibling made me watch it, I got attached to Cas, and I didn't realize how bad Dean was and how fucked up Hunting was, so for a while I liked it.

And I still like my OCs, of course, and there are still a couple characters that I like and some that I at least have soft spots for, but I honestly hate just about everything else about the show, including the majority the most popular "heroic" and "good" and "neutral" and "not completely villainous" characters in some way:

Dean: this one is obvious, and I've gone through my massive lists of reasons that I hate him before, but the biggest ones are him being abusive as fuck to everyone he's close to, and how he's a prejudiced speciesist genocidal serial killer(a fact which is a major contributing factor to his abuse, as all of the people he treats the worst are/were supernatural in some way)

Sam: Like Dean he is a Hunter, and also he didn't ever get Jack away from Dean, he didn't defend Cas or Jack against Dean enough, he allowed/encouraged Jack to Hunt, and he is so codependent with Dean that he'll let anyone else suffer or die to save Dean or because Dean told him to do it

Cas: I have a soft spot for him, but he is still a Hunter, and still didn't stop Jack from Hunting or get Jack away from SamnDean ever, and he mercilessly killed tons of Supernaturals, including his own siblings, due to the Winchesters' brainwashing.  And it was brainwashing; he was abused and beaten into submission first by Heaven and then by Dean, hence I don't hate him, and I still have a soft spot for him

Jack: He is a Hunter, and almost all of the portrayals of him I've seen have been pro-Hunter, but I let it slide and still kind of like him, because he's a literal child who has been abused into thinking that what he and his "family" are doing when they Hunt is "saving people" and "using his powers for good"

Bobby: Literally wanted to kill a baby for being supernatural(Olivia the shifter), helped Dean force Sam into the torture-detox, and is of course a Hunter

Charlie: is a Hunter, canonically killed a teenage vampire, and doesn't even have a "tragic backstory" to explain why she's a prejudiced serial killer; like, she never lost anyone to an evil supernatural or anything, she literally was just saved from an evil supernatural by SamnDean a couple times and decided she wanted to "fight monsters" too

Claire: is a Hunter, is basically a female Dean personality-wise, her girlfriend was racistly killed for her whitegirlpain(also said girlfriend was a supernatural who teamed up with the people who kill her kind for a living), and I had some unpleasant experiences with rping with a Claire on an SPN rp server, which has caused me to hate her more than I did before

Jody: She's a Hunter and a Cop, and it annoys me how everyone worships her as this "super-awesome mom who adopts all the kids", when she only takes in kids who were hurt by Supernaturals(and never any hurt by Hunters), and she tells them all sorts of good things about Hunters and SamnDean and whatnot.  Those Hunter Stories are likely part of why Claire was obsessed with Hunting and thought that Hunting was the best way to "rebel" and "be independent and badass"

Garth: He's not quite as bad after he became a werewolf, but he's still a species-traitor who befriended and is cool with Hunters, and he, after he became a werewolf might I add, canonically blew up a whole warehouse for of supernaturals to save SamnDean

Mary Winchester: She join the BmoL, a genocidal hate group, who’s members tortured and r*ped her son, because she agreed that their genocidal goals were “good” and “saving people”!

Ellen and Jo, Eileen, Henry Winchester, Samuel and Deanna Campbell, and all one-off Hunter, MoL/BMoL, and Hunter-Ally characters: I don't remember enough about them to truly hate them, but they are all Hunters/MoL, so I automatically dislike them just based on that fact

Donna: Same as the characters above, but she's also a cop, and I remember her being speciesist in the episode with the Pishtacos

Mick Davies: He’s a BMoL Agent, and he killed an innocent teenage girl just because she was turned into a werewolf!

Arthur Ketch: He's a BMoL Agent, and he killed Magda Peterson, an abused teenage girl, just because she was a Supernatural!

Benny: wasn't the worst, but was a species-traitor who worked with Hunters against his own kind

Gabriel: the alien anal probe r*pe thing, and the fact that he sometimes worked with SamnDean(though I understand why he did so during the Michael/Lucifer apocalypse)

Crowley: asshole, bad parent, murdered and tortured innocent people, worked with Hunters/SamnDean

Rowena: asshole, bad parent, murdered and tortured innocent people, worked with Hunters/SamnDean(though I like her more than Crowley, but only because she’s a hot and badass evil woman)

Michael: asshole, tortured Sam and Adam in the Cage, tried to start the apocalypse

Honestly, Adam is the only popular character I can't find anything to complain about; he's not a Hunter, never killed innocents or tortured anyone, or really did anything else wrong, and his life was shitty as fuck; first, he was killed and eaten by the ghoul siblings, then he was dragged out of Heaven to be used as Michael's meatsuit for the apocalypse, and after that he was tortured for literally thousands of years because his worthless "brothers" only cared about each other and didn't even try to save him

#spn wank #anti spn #anti hunters #anti hunting #anti dean winchester #dean critical #sam critical #castiel critical #jack kline critical #ish #anti claire novak #anti charlie bradbury #ellen critical #jo critical #jody critical #donna critical #gabriel critical #michael critical #anti arthur ketch #garth critical #bobby critical #anti bobby singer #eileen critical #mick davies critical #mary winchester critical #anti mary winchester #pretty much everyone critical #supernatural #spn

[deancaskiss]

Tinsel & Tourists Chapter Twenty

Word Count: 1,804 (chapter continued under the Read More - warning for a little fighting gore and angst (last chapter of angst, I promise!))

Dean’s POV

Link to ao3 / Link to masterpost

“Dean? The infamous Dean Winchester? Now that really will be a sacrifice to appease,” the druid said, stepping closer to reveal itself. A monster in a woman’s body.

Dean bared his teeth, putting his arm out to ward Cas; making himself a human shield. “Unfortunate for you but higher powers are at work lately. So I’d love to go sacrificing myself for whatever God you’re so desperate to get on your knees for, but I’m a little busy thanks.”

“You think your God is the only one out there?” the druid scoffed.

“Oh, no. I’ve run into several, and I’ve killed every one I’ve gotten my hands on. You’re just the next in line,” Dean snarked, very casually taking a small step towards Libby, pulling Cas with him.

“You’re a sinner, just like the rest of them. Maybe even more so, despite the fact you’ve been touched by the chosen ones,” the druid sneered in disgust.

Dean huffed out a humorless laugh. “Funny you say that. Pretty sure parading around in someone else’s meat suit qualifies as a litany of sins,” Dean said, carefully drawing the conversation out. He just needed to push Cas and Libby out of the cave. As soon as they were clear of danger, he could rip the bitch apart for coming anywhere near Cas.

Snarling, the druid suddenly morphed, revealing its decrepit body and gnarled face, rotten and sagging flesh. And then it launched itself at Dean.

In a quick move, Dean used his grip on Cas to shove him towards Libby, aiming his gun and firing off three quick shots at the monster's head. The bullets did nothing, sinking in but having no impact as it turned around and let out a sickening howl. “Did you think your bullets could touch me?” it barked.

“No. I just needed time to get this out of my pocket,” Dean said, depressing the aerosol can and flicking his lighter on. A burst of flame jetted through the air, catching the druid across the face in a bright orange explosion. An agonized scream echoed around the cave, and Dean shot backwards, snagging Cas by the waist and grabbing Libby and hauling her to her feet.

“Run!” he shouted, pushing them towards the cave’s entrance. But they weren’t quick enough. The druid propelled itself at them, catching Cas by the leg and hurling him backwards against the cave wall.

Cas let out a cry of pain, and Dean stumbled towards him, spinning at the last second so he was standing protectively over Cas. “Lay a hand on him again, and I will rip you to pieces,” Dean said, voice deadly calm as he realized it was the honest to God truth.

“You don’t have it in you,” the druid snarled.

Dropping into a combative stance, Dean raised an eyebrow challengingly. “Do you not know where I’ve been for the last 40 years? I was mentored by the greatest torturer in Hell. I know ways of ripping you apart that you couldn’t even begin to fathom,” Dean threatened.

The druid took a step back, even though it was still smirking with its twisted lips. “Maybe I should let the girl go, and put you in her place. Sacrifice you and your lover together. Purge the world of your sinful relations.”

“Go ahead and try, bitch,” Dean said, dangling the aerosol canister in his hand.

“That may hurt, but it can’t kill me. You are defenseless, you infinitesimal human.”

Dean shrugged, aiming for casual. “Maybe. But I’m willing to go down swinging if it means protecting him for however long I possibly can,” Dean said, darting his eyes down to Cas before flickering his gaze over to Libby.

Cas must have been helping her with her restraints, because she’d finally unraveled the last of the rope. She was near the entrance. She could escape. He just needed to keep the druid's attention on him.

Locking eyes with Libby, he nodded his head imperceptibly towards the entrance. ‘Go,’ he mouthed, hoping to God she got the hint before he wheeled his attention back to the druid, which was creeping ever closer. Time to piss the fucker off and get it’s full anger on him.

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a piece of mistletoe he’d plucked off one of the trees as he’d been searching for Cas. “Pretty sure you worship this shit, don’t you? You think it fell from Heaven and it’s a sign from your God?” Dean said, flicking the cap off his lighter. A flame flickered up, setting the mistletoe on fire.

The druid went berserk, letting out a blood-curdling scream as it charged at Dean. When he looked up at the entrance to the cave, Libby was gone. Now he just had to hope she’d run far enough already that if he made his move that they wouldn’t run into her.

As the druid threw itself at Dean, long fingernails and sharp teeth gnashing, Dean bolted for the entrance, bursting out into the cold air as the druid chased him.

Thank God. At least it was focused on him now and not Cas or Libby. But no matter how fast Dean thought he was, he knew it was faster. He’d barely made it a hundred feet from the cave before he was thrown to the ground, the druid scratching along his face deep enough that blood burst from his cheek.

"Too far from the altar, but this will have to do," it snarled, fingernail moving down to slice at Dean’s neck.

Dean struggled, eyes wildly casting around looking for something to use against the monster, before finally landing on Sam. Oh God. About damn time he showed up. Dean had desperately been stalling in hopes Sam would find a way to kill the thing, because the fire on its own was just pissing the thing off.

Sam came up from behind, a large branch in his hand covered in a wet liquid that gleamed red in the moonlight. Blood. At the last second, Sam lit the branch on fire and slammed it straight through the druid's chest.

Dean rolled to the side at the last second as the branch impaled the druid and went straight through its heart. The druid let out the most sickening scream Dean had heard in a long time. It snarled, thrashing wildly on the branch in its chest. The fire spread from the wood, bursting out in a massive blow that consumed the creature’s chest and spread down. Dean pushed himself away, back scraping across the snow just as the flames licked their way down the druid’s legs.

Dean heaved a massive breath, taking Sam’s hand as his brother pulled him to his feet. “Thanks,” Dean said. “What was that?” he asked, nodding his head towards the branch that was burning bright orange as they moved away.

“Oak branch from the tree next to the altar, soaked in bull’s blood and lit on fire,” Sam said, shaking his head.

“Do I even want to know how you figured that out?”

“No, you don’t. You can thank Bobby for the fast research on the lore for most of it,” Sam said, patting Dean on the back as he saw Dean’s attention had shifted from him to Cas, who was limping out of the cave. “Go on. Go get your man.”

Dean nodded vaguely at Sam before he made his way back to Cas, relief washing through his body just seeing that Cas was alive and moving. His heart was hammering in his chest, and God, all Dean wanted to do was pull Cas close and kiss him and feel him in his arms. “Thank God you’re okay. Come here, handsome. Let’s get you out of here,” Dean said softly, reaching out to slide his arm around Cas’ waist.

Cas jerked backwards the second Dean’s hand touched him, shoving Dean’s arm away with a force that startled him. “Don’t touch me,” Cas hissed.

Dean felt the air leave his lungs in a sharp punch. “Cas?” he asked quietly. Dean’s heart felt like it was shattering in his chest. No. God no. Please no. He’d managed to save Cas, only to lose him like this?

“Stay away from me. I don’t- what the hell was that? What even are you?” Cas asked, putting another step between him and Dean as his expression closed off.

“Cas, listen, I can explain. There’s- I’m not an FBI agent, okay? I’m a hunter. There’s things out there, monsters… they’re real. Vampires and werewolves and Pagan Gods. And my brother and I, we hunt and kill them, in order to keep people safe. That thing, that was a druid; a Celtic priest that-” Dean tried to explain.

Cas shook his head, cutting Dean off. “Are you even human?”

“What?” Dean gasped in shock. “Of course I am, Cas.”

“Stop calling me, Cas. Stop lying to me. You’ve been to Hell? Actual Hell? And you tortured people?”

Dean winced. Fuck. He shouldn’t have said that to the druid. He’d hoped Cas hadn’t heard any of it. Shit, shit, shit. “I can explain all of it. It’s not what you think, I swear. Sammy was dead and I-”

“I don’t want to hear it, Dean. I just- don’t,” Cas said, tears welling up in his eyes and spilling down his cheeks. “I don’t trust you. I don’t even know you.”

“Please, Cas. Just hear me out,” Dean choked out.

“No,” Cas hissed, shoving past Dean. “I don’t trust you, Dean. If that’s even your name? There’s nothing real about this, about you… about us. It was all fake, wasn’t it? Did you even- was anything between us real? Or was it all an act? Because it was real for me. I fell for you, Dean. Completely and utterly head over heels for you. And now I don’t know anything anymore.”

A sob worked its way up Dean’s throat, and he reached out for Cas again. Everything ached and Dean had never felt pain this strong in his life. It felt like someone had reached into his chest and ripped his heart out; shredding it in front of his eyes. “Cas?” he whispered.

“Just leave town, Dean. You’ve done your job. The monster is killed. Just leave, and don’t come back,” Cas said, pushing past Dean and limping towards Libby, who was leaning against one of the trees a few hundred yards away.

“Cas? Cas!” Dean called after him, instantly moving to follow.

“Don’t,” Cas said, turning his head and looking at Dean over his shoulder. “Just don’t. You’ve broken my heart enough. Please don’t break it anymore,” Cas sobbed, tears streaking down his face as he walked away.

Dean watched in horror and complete heartbreak as the love of his life walked out of his life.

Tag List Part 1 Below- (please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed from the list!)

Tag List: @cas-deserved-so-much-more @hello-x-sunshine​ @bibelphegor​ @likepurplemuses​ @expectingtofly​ @neo-neo-neo​ @shadowywerewolfqueen​ @a-sweet-indisposition​ @feraladoration​ @xojo​

@oganizediguana​ @paintdriesfaster​ @adsp-destielcockles​ @destielangst​ @im-your-huckle-berry @justa-crayon​ @dea-stiel​ @superduckbatrebel​ @destielfactory​ @miluiel-erynion​

@y-yo-a-ti-cas67 @cockleslovesdestiel​ @toxic-nebula​ @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @enchantinghairdoherringwombat​ @proudace​ @galaxymysteryelephant​ @aelysianmuse​ @ramennoodles-dean-cas @you-changedmedean

@gmos-winter-wonderland @deansotherotherblog​ @trekkie24 @geo-val​ @dizzypinwheel​ @hermionevaldez9​ @gimmeprozac @iamsherlockedondoctorwho​ @dickspeightjrs​ @imbiowaresbitch​

@destielle​ @hopefuldreamers-world​ @organicpurplepants​ @dean-you-assbutt-cas-loves-you​ @shut-up-dean​ @sapphirecobalt-1​ @eshaninjer​ @spnobsessed50​ @mishka​ @holygoddessofvictory​​

@jayus-fandom-writer​​ @2musiclover2​​ @rainbowscas @bennedict​ @cassiecasyl​ @jensenacklesruinedmylife​ @can-i-just-stay-in-the-corner​ @chaoticdean​ @destiel-trash-asf​ @tlakhtwritesdestiel​

@bri-winchester​ @50shadesofcockles @trasherasswood​ @spittingpagan @castielstolemyheart @becky-srs @phoenix13 @jiminthestreets-bonesinthesheets @deancasology @top13zepptraxx

@love-neve-dies @good-things-do-happen-dean @tearsofgrace @thedirtytrenchcoat @a-porno-with-the-russian-mafia @on-a-bender @moi-the-bard @one-more-offbeat-anthem @naturallyathief @queen-rowenas

#destiel #dean winchester #castiel #monster of the week #angst

[lottiebillions]

Dean’s Holiday Destination Ratings: Shell Cottage - 2/10

My first ever one shot because I’m procrastinating writing my other fic. Can be found on AO3 . 

Not that it was completely awful, per say, but Dean really would not recommend Shell Cottage as a holiday destination, if only because it contained at least 2 of his ex- girlfriend's older brothers and his ex- girlfriend’s ex- boyfriend. The fact that it was his only safe space in a war did push the rating up to a solid 2 though.

A Shell Cottage Dean perspective.

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Dean didn't hate Harry, as much as he felt he had the right too. 

There was surely some unwritten rule about not dating your roommate's ex girlfriend, especially within a month or two of them breaking up. But he had seen the way Harry had looked at Ginny throughout the year and couldn’t really blame him. And Gin had looked a thousand times happier and more relaxed in those 3 weeks she’d been dating Harry. And really, if Harry really was the saviour who would end Dean’s need to be on the run just to protect his mum and sisters, then he couldn’t begrudge him a bit of happiness. Still, it didn’t make him feel any less awkward, sitting there in his ex- girlfriend’s brother’s house, with two of her brothers and her other ex- boyfriend, along with a woman who was definitely a Veela that he vaguely remembered from his fourth year. 

Unfortunately, Harry didn’t look nearly as awkward to see him as he’d have thought (he remembered those few weeks last year and the way Harry had tried to avoid him as much as possible, as if to avoid hurting his feelings) but Harry didn’t look much like the boy he’d met on his first ever night at Hogwarts anymore. Quite frankly, he looked like shit. He supposed he didn’t look too much better, but Harry was truly unrecognisable as the boy who’d spend the last few weeks of their sixth year unable to stop beaming, and laughing, even when not in the presence of Ginny.

At the time of their break up, he had blamed Harry. Even though deep down he knew Ginny had been honest when she said she didn’t care that Harry seemed to have finally noticed her (Dean had a habit of pointing it out during all their arguments), it hadn’t helped when Ginny had lost her head at him and Seamus when they’d been imitating Harry’s hilarious fall in that quidditch match. That had been an almighty row, but it had given Dean his first insight into the parts of Ginny he could never really understand- and that had been half the problem with their relationship and maybe why he was so insecure about Harry’s feelings for her in the first place. Dean didn’t, couldn’t, know what had happened in her first year that led her to being so secretive around others, but Harry definitely did. Dean didn’t know what had happened in that Ministry battle after his OWLs that Ginny refused to talk about, but Harry definitely did. To him, Harry falling off his broom had been funny, once they knew no lasting harm had occurred but Ginny had not seen it that way and finally let loose some of the things he’d been aching to know. 

“I don’t understand why you’re so mad, it was a joke!” Dean had shouted at her. What Ginny had bellowed back had been far more than he had expected.

“That’s the point- you don’t understand! You’ve never had to fight fucking Death Eaters! You’ve never been trapped, injured and then seen Harry chasing after Bellatrix Lestrange, alone, knowing Voldemort is going to be there soon! You’ve never had to just sit there, useless, knowing that the chance your friend is about to be murdered is too high, while you’re desperately trying to stop fucking brain tentacles from strangling your brother, and your best friends are unconscious! That’s why it’s not funny to joke about Harry falling! I see him falling and it’s like Voldemort’s there all over again; he could have died!” 

That was the most he’d ever heard about the whole Ministry affair, despite having heard even Neville, of all people, whispering about it to Ron. There wasn’t much he could argue back with to that, except that it wasn’t his fault he didn’t know about that since no one ever included him in those conversations! How could he know just how many times Harry had come close to death? But that hadn’t been the right thing to say either, since Ginny had snapped that perhaps he should be grateful he could live his life stressing over nothing but schoolwork and what to have for dinner. Really, he should have seen their break up coming after that. She’d made it clear he didn’t know the important parts about her, and had made it even more clear that he never would. He couldn’t really blame her for that either, he supposed; there were certain things about him that he would never tell her, that only Seamus knew.

Still, none of that mattered now. Ted and Dirk had been killed, he’d been left with Griphook for company, then in what seemed like a whirlwind, had been captured by Snatchers, dragged to Malfoy Manor, along with, it turned out, Harry, Ron and Hermione, who no one had heard anything from in months. He’d heard Hermione’s screams as she was tortured, Ron and Harry’s screams as they heard Hermione, and suddenly Luna Lovegood was there and the man who sold him his wand seven years ago. And then if that wasn’t enough, a random house elf had appeared and taken him to a house on the beach, where a man who had the same hair as Ron had come running out with his wand directed at him. When he’d only just got his bearings, there was a crack and Ron was running into the house carrying an unconscious Hermione while Harry was crying over the house elf, who seemed to have been stabbed. His attention had been stolen away from all of that by a gorgeous blonde vision who had come over to him, to take the goblin from his hold and guide him into the house. He only managed to look away when he saw the wedding band and realised that Ginny’s brother had married the Veela from the Triwizard Tournament at some point in the last 3 years and he hadn’t even known. There had been no room for awkward feelings in those first few hours, but after that, as things had settled down and everyone but Ollivander and Griphook had gathered in the lounge to exchange stories, Dean hadn’t been able to help feeling hopelessly out of place, and had to wonder just how he had managed to find himself in this situation. 

He had yet to exchange any words with Harry, as Harry had spent his days digging the grave for the house- elf he had found out was called Dobby (and he vaguely recalled that name from the D.A. meeting where they’d been caught out), and when he was done with the grave, he had been holed away with Ollivander and Griphook. Dean had gotten some basic details on their time on the run out of Ron, had found out how close they had been at one point but it was Harry he really wanted to talk to. He’d realised last year just how much there was about his roommate that he didn’t know, but while they were in this war together, fighting together, he needed to know exactly what was going on so he could fight for his own survival, and his family’s. Except then there had been that frantic knocking on the door, and Professor Lupin had come bursting in, shouting about his son. Dean had been beyond bewildered at why his teacher, who he hadn’t seen since his third year, had appeared in this little cottage by the sea in the middle of the war, and even more confused about why Harry, Ron and Hermione had looked so ecstatic to see him. Sure, Lupin had been their best defence teacher ever, and it was great to see him again, but he wouldn’t have said he was the person he would be happiest to see. And then he had been astonished even further when he heard Lupin ask Harry to be his son’s godfather - how did he not know that his roommate was that close to his former professor? Luna (who wasn’t even in the same house as Harry or Ginny and yet still seemed to know more than him!) had leant in to him and said how nice it was for Harry to have the chance to be the godfather his never was. Dean had been confused at that, he was under the impression that the only family Harry had left were his muggle relatives, until Luna had continued in her usual, airy tone that, “Yes, his godfather was Sirius Black, that’s why me and Ginny went to the Ministry in our 4th year. We had to go rescue him from You- Know- Who, but it turned out to be a trap and he died in front of Harry, He was really quite upset and grumpy about it, I’m surprised you didn't know. Of course, Harry is very private, and Ginny probably felt it wasn’t her place to tell you either, although she was close to Mr. Black as well and was very sad when he was lost.” 

Dean couldn’t even begin to process that sentence. He was horrified that while he had been celebrating the end of his OWLs so obnoxiously, Harry had been grieving his fucking godfather and how had he not known that? There was also the fact that apparently Ginny had been close to this godfather, the one he somehow didn’t know existed, and yet not once had she even brought up the loss she must have felt. Then the familiarity of the name Sirius Black clicked into place and Dean really had to wonder if he had ever known Harry Potter at all because surely the fact that a mass murderer, who had gone so far as to sneak into their dorm with a knife, was Harry Potter’s godfather was something he thought he ought to have been aware of.

 And it was with a kind of ache in his chest that Dean realised, no matter how angry he had been at that kiss between Harry and Ginny, no matter how much he wanted to blame Harry for the failings in his own relationship with Ginny, he couldn’t ever hate Harry Potter. He couldn’t hate that this boy even younger than him, who had suffered so horrendously in his life, who had lost too much to ever feel supported enough to share his upsets with more than a handful of people, had finally known happiness in those few summer weeks with Ginny Weasley. Maybe he could tell Harry that, let him know that Dean Thomas held no grudges against him, and perhaps in the revelry of Professor Lupin’s announcement, he could learn more about this godfather. 

In the end, he never got the chance to talk to this Harry, the Harry he saw now that he understood he had never truly known him. Not until after that coin had burned hot in his pocket, and he had raced through the passageway behind Bill and Fleur Weasley, Luna by his side; not until after the walls had collapsed, and Harry had died, and then Harry had won, and the dust had settled, did Dean get to finally meet Harry Potter. Not the boy who lived, or the boy who stole his girlfriend, but Harry Potter, Dean’s roommate and fellow Gryffindor since day 1. 

#Harry Potter #harry potter and the deathly hollows #hinny #dean thomas #Ginny Weasley #luna lovegood #shell cottage #introspection #fanfiction #one shot #missing moment

[onlysarah235678]

A Little Bit Part 15

Pairing: Billie Dean Howard x female reader

A/N: This one is longer because I’m trying to finish this story up…I AM SO IN LOVE with this gif by illuminated-blue. Anyways, I hope you enjoy! Mind the warnings.

Warnings: angst, mentions of domestic violence (I put *** at beginning and end as usual), and domestic fluff 

The rest of the day was pretty boring after Erin dropped off Milo. You were still a little tired and spent most of the day lazing around. It wasn’t due to a lack of energy though. You wanted to do something, but Billie kept making you relax. You would get up for a drink or to walk Milo, but she would insist on doing it for you. She assured you that she wasn’t too busy to help out. She didn’t have a lot scheduled for the next couple of days, just a few calls and those didn’t seem to last long. You had stopped trying to argue with her after the third time she told you to sit.

At first it was weird for you to stay at Billie’s house and do absolutely nothing. You didn’t realize how much you weren’t allowed to do until deciding to stay put on the couch. You tried turning on the television and Billie had shot you a look from where she was working at the dining room table. You were going to go stir crazy if you had to keep sitting around.  

The second night you spend at Billie’s was worse than the first. You weren’t as tired this time, so it was more difficult for you to fall asleep. You also had Milo with you which you loved until he would wake up to scratch or wander around the room. Any noise from him aggravated your headache and you ended up kicking him out to go sleep downstairs. You made sure that the laundry room door was closed before going back to sleep. Or at least trying to.

It was 2 am before your headache went away enough to sleep, and you were woken up by scratching at the door around 7 am. Luckily it stopped pretty quickly, and you know you had Billie to thank for that. When you finally woke up, you had breakfast waiting for you and Milo was already taken care of. So, there was nothing for you to do other than eat and sit around.

The only problem was that you’d been doing this for hours. You finally grew tired of staring at the ceiling around 3 in the afternoon and you sit up with a sigh.

You look around the room to see that Billie is still working on something. You sneak a peek at Milo before looking at the clock again. It’s been a while since he’s gone out, so you know you should walk him soon. You sigh before reaching out for him and mouthing the word ‘walk’ with a smile.

He starts to wag his tail and you look back over to Billie to see that she hasn’t caught on yet. You know that the likelihood of you out running the medium is slim to none, but you might as well try. You turn back to Milo about to tell him to get his leash when Billie’s voice startles you.

“Where do you think you’re going, Y/N?”

You turn back to Billie to see that she’s looking at you with a frown and a raised eyebrow that would usually make you cave. However, you are very bored and just want to walk your dog. You don’t even have to go that far. Just to the damn street.

“I was going to walk Milo.”

This is what Billie expected you to say and she starts to stand up. You shake your head as you tell Milo to get his leash with a sigh.

“Billie. No, I can do it. Please. I can’t sit around anymore.”

You watch as Milo flees and Billie gets up and walks over to you. You’re pouting and doing your best to get Billie to give in, but she’s not budging. She moves to sit next to you with a sigh before shaking her head as Milo returns with his leash which he drops in your lap.

“Y/N, you’re really not supposed to--.”

You cut Billie off because you’ve heard this before. You were supposed to just sit on your ass all day and do nothing and you hated it. You are grateful for everything that Billie’s done to help you, but you really needed to get out of the house and get some fresh air. Even if only for a few minutes.

“Please Billie! I just need to get out for a bit. Please?”

Billie stares at you as she contemplates her options. She is actually surprised that you’ve lasted this long without disobeying your doctor’s orders. You had accepted all of the restrictions that she had put in place with minimal argument, so she supposes she should let you have this. It would only be for a few minutes anyways.

“Alright, but I’m coming with you.”

You smile in excitement before nodding a little too vigorously. You remember last second to keep your face neutral so Billie doesn’t have a reason to take it back. She watches as you get Milo’s leash on and move to stand up, but she beats you to it. She’s up and holding out and hand for you and you smile gratefully before taking it with a sigh.

“Thank you.”

Billie just smiles as she meets you halfway for a quick kiss. Your smile widens before you pet Milo and ask him again if he’s ready for a walk. He yips before jumping up on you only to be pushed down quickly. You shoot him a half-hearted glare before telling him to calm down.

“No, Milo. We’re going on a walk, but we’re going to take it nice and slow okay?”

Billie smiles as Milo just pants happily before heading for the door. You follow him and quickly put on your shoes.

You still haven’t gotten Billie to agree to take you back to your apartment to get some of your things. You were wearing the only clothes of Billie’s that fit you, and although they were fine you felt a little weird. You were very particular about your things which is why the next item on your list was getting back to your place to at least get a change of clothes.

That was a battle for a different day though.

“Remember, we could run into reporters, Y/N.”

You of course, hadn’t thought about this and you pause as you consider how you will handle it. Your first thought is to just ignore them, but then you realize that never really works. You sigh as you shake your head with a smile before looking to Milo.

“Milo will scare them away.”

Both you and Billie look to Milo who is panting excitedly as he practically bounces while waiting for you to open the door. You smile as you reach out to pet Milo before turning to see Billie rolling her eyes. She doesn’t doubt that Milo can scare people away, but you didn’t like him doing that. He wasn’t an aggressive dog, and you didn’t want people to see him that way. She knew you were mostly joking, but she still decided that maybe she should hold onto him in case he got a little too excited.

You nod at this before handing Milo’s leash to Billie. You only have to think for a minute about how your dog could easily drag you in the state you’re in before looking to him with a serious expression.

“Be good Milo. No pulling okay.”

You wait until Milo calms down a little before opening the door and following Billie out. You squint as you step out into the sunlight, but you feel better as the heat hits your skin. You don’t usually mind lazing around inside, but not being able to watch or read anything is just torture. You follow Billie down the stairs, making sure to hold the railing as you take careful steps. You smile as Billie leads Milo to a nearby tree and your dog sniffs around for something that he’s picked up on. You frown a few seconds later as you see something small run out from behind the tree and into the bushes. Milo goes to chase after it and you open your mouth to call him off, but Billie beats you to it.

“Milo, no! Leave that poor thing alone, let’s go.”

You can’t help but smile as you watch Milo turn away from the bushes and follow Billie down the driveway. You realize you’re falling behind when Billie stops and waits for you with an expectant look. You meet her with a smile before grabbing her hand because you can already feel your head start to swim as you look around.

“You’ll let me know when you need a break?”

You just smile before nodding in agreement. You really want to get out, but you know better than to push yourself too much. That won’t help you in the long run.

You, Billie, and Milo walk through the neighborhood mostly in silence. By the time 15 minutes pass you are holding tight to Billie’s arm as you walk with your eyes mostly closed. For this reason, you miss the look Billie shoots you, and you’re surprised when you suddenly stop. You open your eyes to see Billie watching you and you blush slightly when you realize you’ve been caught. You just nod when Billie suggests that it’s time to turn around, and Milo leads the way back to the house.

“How are you feeling?”

You shrug slightly before mentioning that your head hurts, but not too badly. It’s not a lie because it definitely hurts, but not nearly as much as when you left the hospital. You smile as you reach out to pet Milo, but he moves last minute and you nearly fall. You groan as Billie catches you and you just let yourself fall to the ground. You sit down and take a second to breathe before you’re tackled by Milo. You sputter and push him away from you while trying to get his fur out of your mouth. You groan again as Billie pulls him away from you before sitting down. You try to wave her off, but it doesn’t really work and she’s down on the sidewalk beside you before you can even get a word out.

“It’s fine, Billie. I’m just a little tired.”

You lean into her with a yawn as you close your eyes again. You could fall asleep here if it weren’t for the fact that you were pretty sure you were sitting at the end of someone’s driveway. Still, Billie lets you rest for a few minutes before Milo starts to whine at you both. Billie sighs and you groan under your breath at your obnoxious dog's behavior.

“Alright, Milo. Let’s go.”

The three of you arrive back to Billie’s without any further issues, and you are quick to move to the kitchen before you’re ordered back to the couch. You sit at the counter and put your head down with a sigh. You didn’t check to see what time it was, but you are really hungry and wouldn’t be opposed to eating now. You hear Billie walk up beside you before placing a hand on your shoulder. You don’t move immediately because the cool counter feels nice against your throbbing forehead.

“Are you hungry?”

You smile before sitting up, not opening your eyes until you turn to Billie. You ask her if you can cook and she shakes her head before telling you that you should rest. You pout but quickly realize that it’s no use. Billie wasn’t going to give in to you again, at least not so soon. You decide to cut your losses before asking if you can order food which of course Billie agrees to. She is all for not cooking if she doesn’t have to. You also offer to pay and look around for your wallet that Erin brought yesterday. You of course have no idea where it is, but Billie doesn’t really care. She is shaking her head before looking around for her phone. She hadn’t taken it on the walk with her and she was just now realizing how that hadn’t been smart. Luckily, she hadn’t needed it, but now she did and it was nowhere to be found.

Instead of wasting time looking, she grabs her computer before returning to the kitchen. She nearly trips over Milo who hurries to join you after finishing his post-walk roll-around on the carpet. He bounds over to you with his tail wagging furiously before sitting next to your chair. You scowl at him before apologizing to Billie who just shakes her head with a smile.

“Sorry about that, he’s a little careless.”

“Don’t worry about it, Y/N. Where do you want to get take out?”

You’re asleep by the time the food arrives, but you’re woken up by the doorbell. You hear Milo bark once before racing towards the door and you sigh as you try to stifle a yawn. After ordering food, you and Billie had moved back to the living room. She had finished her work for the day and you wanted to cuddle, but as always you ended up falling asleep on her.

You’d shifted in your sleep at some point, so Billie was able to get up without disturbing you. She stands up and hurries to shush Milo as she opens the door. Standing there is a brunette who is probably in his early twenties carrying a large bag of food that smells great. Billie hears Milo start sniffing furiously, but she ignores him as she looks beyond the person on her porch.

Down past her driveway there are a couple of cars on the street. They hadn’t been there when you returned on your walk and they definitely didn’t belong to the brunette in front of her. Billie just manages to spot someone in the front seat of one of them before the brunette, Noah, speaks up.

“Uh, Hi I’m Noah. Here’s your food and uh this.”

Billie frowns as she takes the bag but watches as Noah moves slightly so he’s standing between her and the cars on the street. She doesn’t get a chance to question this as Noah coughs slightly before speaking up. He’s holding out his hand to her and she looks to the money with a frown.

“What is this?”

Noah shifts his weight back and forth before managing to look Billie in the eyes.

“So those reporters out there gave me this to ask you something, but I don’t like getting in other people’s business, so I’ll just give you that.”

Billie takes the $50 because she’s too stunned to do anything, but as Noah turns to leave, she finally gathers her wits.

“Noah, wait.”

The brunette turns back to the medium, eyeing her and then her scary looking dog before finding his voice.

“Uh, yes?”

Billie hands him back the money because honestly she doesn’t need it. She doesn’t really want it. The thought of those reporters trying to bribe her delivery guy is ridiculous, and at the moment the only thing she’s grateful for is the fact that he didn’t go for it.

“Keep this, dear. You deserve it. But can you tell them one thing for me?”

The smell of food makes you sit up and you look around excitedly to see Billie and Milo both heading towards you. You run a hand through your hair with a sigh. You’re so glad that you took a shower, but damn your hair was still not behaving. You see Billie smiling in that mischievous way of hers and you can’t help but smile as you tilt your head slightly.  

“Did you have any trouble?”

Billie sits down next to you before shaking her head with a laugh. She has to wave Milo off as he tries to sniff each item that she pulls out of the bag. She figures that she should see if you want to eat at the table, but you look so comfortable wrapped up in your blanket that Billie doesn’t want to make you move. She just finishes unpacking the food that’s honestly way too much for the two of you before shrugging.

“Not at all. Reporters are just camped outside trying to bribe our delivery driver.”

You roll your eyes at this news as you wrap the blanket around you tighter before you start to survey the food you and Billie ordered. You ask almost absentmindedly.

“Oh yeah. What did you tell them?”

Billie smiles as she recalls the look on Noah’s face when she gave him the message for the reporters. She wasn’t sure if he was going to actually do it, but it would be funny either way. It wouldn’t change anything anyway. It was just for her entertainment.

“I told him to keep the money and to tell the reporters to shove it.”

You laugh as you shoot Billie a questioning look. You have a feeling that what she’d actually said was a little more colorful, but when Billie just smiles at you, you decide to drop it. You smile as you grab a container of food before handing it to Billie.

“For you.”

Billie takes it with a smile before leaning in to kiss your forehead. She pulls away and shoots you a worried look that you just nod at.

“How are you feeling, sweetheart?”

You sigh before claiming that you feel better. You smile a little as you mention that your nap helped. You are less tired and your head doesn’t hurt as much. When you say this, Billie realizes that it’s almost time for your medicine again. You were sent home with a couple medications that were supposed to make your headaches better, but so far you’d only taken them a couple of times. You were really bad about remembering to take your meds, and Billie hadn’t realized this until today.

However, now that she knew, Billie was all over it. She was making sure you took them every 8 to 12 hours whether you were feeling poorly or not. You try to stop her as she heads for the kitchen to grab them for you, but it’s no use.

“Billie, I can--.”

“I’ll be right back. Go ahead and start eating.”

You sigh in defeat before just nodding to yourself. You didn’t like having someone wait on you, but you were glad that if it had to be anyone, that it was Billie. She wasn’t mean or condescending toward you, and it wasn’t a power trip for her. She didn’t hold things over your head like others had.

You don’t realize how lost in thought you’d been until Billie is back and handing you two pills and a glass of water. You smile appreciatively before taking them both and quickly downing your pills before drinking some of the water. You realize that you haven’t been drinking enough because you nearly drink the whole thing before Billie speaks up.

“Where did you go?”

You smile slightly realizing you were caught before you shake your head. You had wanted to wait a little bit to talk about this, but you supposed now was as good a time as any. You put your now empty glass down before fixing your blanket with a sigh. You pat the space next to you waiting for Billie to join you, but Milo beats her to it. You groan before snapping your fingers at your dog and telling him to get down. He doesn’t listen immediately, but when you tell him to get to bed he jumps down and moves around the couch. You can’t see him from here but you assume he does as he’s told because Billie just smiles before she sits down next to you.

“Is something on your mind?”

You wait until Billie’s settled before sitting back so you can face her. You nod before trying to figure out what to say first as you fiddle with the blanket wrapped around your shoulders.

“I was thinking about what you mentioned earlier. About filing a police report?”

Billie just nods as she waits for you to continue. She’s not sure where you’re going with this, but she decides to wait and see instead of jumping to what she hopes you’re going to say. She watches as you shift uncomfortably before glancing over to where Milo’s situated in his bed.

“I don’t think I want to do it. I know it’s—it’s probably a good idea, but I just don’t want to get into it.”

Billie frowns at both your explanation and the way you’re struggling to say whatever is on your mind. She doesn’t like the idea of not knowing what’s bothering you, but she starts to nod anyway. She wants to respect your wishes and if you want to drop it, she’ll drop it. She will just try to get a better explanation later.

“Okay, you don’t have to tell me.”

You are surprised by this until you think about what you just said and you curse. You didn’t realize how that sounded and you shake your head quickly before wincing at the action. You move closer to Billie so you can take her hand before deciding to just get it over with. You always worry about someone not wanting to be close to you because of your endless baggage, but you trust Billie and she’s only ever proven that she wants to help you or be there for you. She hasn’t used anything you’ve told her against you.

“Hey, that’s not what I meant, Billie. I don’t want to get into this mess with Doug because it reminds me of the mess I went through with…her.”

It takes Billie a minute to figure out who you’re talking about, but you just wait patiently for her to put the pieces together. You know that you should just come out and say it, but it’s embarrassing and you thought that you’d told Billie enough about your ex for at least the next couple months or so.

You hadn’t expected to be in the situation you were in now, and you definitely hadn’t needed the reminder of how stressful it was to deal with the police.

You groan under your breath before you hide your head in your hands with a sigh.

“God, why do I have so much baggage?”

Your head hurts too much to attempt a joke and you just leave it at that as you plan your next words very carefully. You feel a hand on your shoulder and you frown before turning to face Billie. She’s frowning too, but she seems more worried than you are and you don’t like it.

“You don’t have to tell me Y/N. You know that.”

You do know this, and you also know that Billie means what she’s saying. She doesn’t push you to do anything you don’t want to, unless it’s for your own good, and you love that about her. This; however, you need to tell her about. Especially if it explains why you are letting that asshole Doug get away with giving you a concussion.

“I know, but it might help you make sense of this stupid decision.”

Billie wants to argue with you, but she wants to wait until she has all of the facts first.

***

For the next twenty minutes or so you and Billie eat while talking about your past relationship. It wasn’t exactly your idea of good dinner conversation, but you were at least glad to be getting this off your chest. You reiterate how your ex had been manipulative and controlling and how this eventually turned into physical abuse. You tell her how the other woman had gotten joy from making you feel terribly and watching you become the shy, obedient girlfriend that she’d always wanted.

You realized pretty quickly what was happening and how fucked up it was. You didn’t like to have your voice stifled, but every time you fought against her, she fought back. It got to the point that you didn’t feel safe around her. You didn’t enjoy her presence like you had when you first met, so you tried to leave. You took Milo and you moved back home, and you thought that was the end of it.

“She showed up really drunk one night when my dad was gone, and we got into a huge fight.”

You mention how violent things had gotten and how you’d both ended up in the hospital. You had broken your wrist while she had been bitten by Milo who came to your defense. She’d threatened to sue you and you’d threatened to get a restraining order against her when the police showed up to your hospital room.

Billie watches as you shift uncomfortably before dropping the blanket that you had just been holding to your chest. She waits as you take a deep breath before looking to your dog who had moved back to sit in front of you when you started eating.

“I was going to do it too, but then she came back and threatened to take Milo from me.”

You hadn’t believed that she could actually do it, but when she’d shown you the adoption papers that you’d left in your shared apartment you had panicked. You couldn’t risk losing Milo to someone that you knew didn’t really want him. She had treated him as poorly as she’d treated you, only sometimes you were able to redirect her aggression against your dog to you so you didn’t have to pay for any more bites.

“I agreed that I wouldn’t get a restraining order and she gave me back the papers. I guess I—I considered doing it anyway, but then I got the job out here and then my dad…I figured it would be okay.”

Billie wants nothing more than to hug you, but she sees how tense you are and she doesn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. So she just frowns as she tries to figure out what you’re going to say next. You sigh heavily before you abandon your corner of the couch and move towards Billie. You just sit in front of her for a second before you manage to admit why you really don’t want to think about what Doug did any longer.

“I just—I know it’s not healthy, but I don’t want to think about her anymore. If I try to do this thing with Doug I know it’s all I will be able to think about, and then I’ll get worried again. I’ll become that person again, and I’ll be looking over my shoulder for her all the time and I just--.”

Billie decides to take the chance, and she cuts off your rambling with a hug. She feels you stiffen slightly before you fall into the embrace and wrap your arms around her tightly. You squeeze your eyes shut as you feel tears start to fall and dammit this is why you didn’t want to do this.

“Shh, it’s okay, sweetheart. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, okay?”

You’re not surprised when you start crying harder at Billie’s words and you curse yourself as your headache comes back full force. You hide your face in Billie’s shoulder as you mutter things that you never had been able to say to her face. To anyone’s really.

“How are you this nice to me? How do I deserve this?”

Billie hates how confused you sound and how you seem to genuinely believe that you are not worthy of what Billie believes is basic kindness. She hates how someone wrecked your expectations so thoroughly that you are surprised when people treat you the way you should be treated. She has a lot that she wants to say, but Billie sticks with what she believes to be the most important for now.

“Y/N. You deserve everything anyone could ever give you. You’re such a sweet, caring person and I’m in awe of how strong you are.”

You sniffle pitifully into Billie’s hair before she sighs in defeat. She has no idea how someone could be so cruel to you. She just knows that she’ll do everything in her power to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.

“You’re amazing, Y/N, and you deserve to be reminded of it every day.”

***

You wipe the tears from your eyes as you pull back so you can see Billie’s kind and earnest expression. You smile slightly before you nod thoughtfully. You need to stop thinking so poorly of yourself. You know you do, but some habits, regardless of how quickly they form or how long they last, are hard to break. You sigh again as you kiss Billie in thanks. Your head is pounding, but you smile wider as you play with the ends of Billie Dean’s hair.

“Thank you, Billie. I-.”

You pause as you stare into Billie’s eyes and you feel heat rush to your cheeks as you shake your head. You look away for a second before you’re smiling again, your heart pounding inside your chest.

“That means a lot.”

Later that night, you are nearly falling asleep on the couch when Billie calls Milo to go out for a walk. It’s nearly 10 and if it wasn’t going to be just a quick run outside, you’d insist on going with her.

Since your talk at dinner, you and Billie had been a little off, and it was making you nervous. You aren’t sure what it is but you figure that it has something to do with what you’d told her. You didn’t often divulge the gruesome details of your past, and really only, relationship easily, but you trusted Billie and you wanted her to know about your past. No matter how painful.

Now Billie hadn’t said or done anything to make you feel like she was upset with you, but –you couldn’t explain what it was. It was probably all in your head. You were worried that you’d freaked Billie out with your dicey history.

As you watch her leave with Milo you sigh heavily before looking around the room. You don’t know what you want to do, but you find yourself wandering to the kitchen for leftovers. You aren’t even really hungry, but you need to keep yourself busy or else you’ll get yourself worked up overthinking things. You open the fridge and grab the first box you see.

You’re still standing at the counter eating from the to-go box when Milo and Billie come back. Milo finds you first and he runs up to you with his tail wagging in excitement. He plants himself down right beside you with a pleading look. You just shake your head at him because he’s not getting any of your food. The last time he got into leftovers he had diarrhea for a week. You were not dealing with that again.

Especially at Billie’s house.

You don’t get to cringe at that thought before you hear Billie arrive to the kitchen. You’re standing with your back to her and you smile guiltily as you turn around to face her. You’re not surprised to see her frowning, so you hold your food out to her with a questioning look.

“Do you want some?”

Billie sighs before shaking her head and moving past you to get to the fridge. You watch as she opens it and grabs a bottle of wine. You look to the clock again before frowning.

“Do you have more work to do tonight?”

Billie pours herself a glass before sighing in defeat. She didn’t really need to do anything else tonight, but Michelle had just sent her something that she wanted to look at before tomorrow’s interview. All day she’d been working on preparing for it, but she and Michelle had overlooked a potentially important question that might come up.

Billie tells you that she has some last-minute prep to do and you just nod before putting your food up. You are really tired but you don’t want to go to sleep yet. At least not alone. You were going to see if Billie would keep you company, but it looked like she had work to do.

“Okay, well I’ll probably just get ready to sleep then.”

Billie nods before asking if you want her to go with you, or rather help you upstairs. You shake your head though because you’d done fine on your own since you woke up this morning. You start to head out before you turn back to Billie who is still standing in the kitchen looking a little distant.

“Do you mind if I say hi to the kittens, first?”

Billie smiles before muttering an ‘of course not’, so you take Milo with you to wait in the guest room while you go love on some kittens.

You make it up the stairs easily enough and after dropping off Milo, you head to the laundry room. You open the door quietly so you don’t disturb the kittens. You smile as Bit looks at you before promptly returning to grooming duty and she ignores you as you wander towards her to get a look at Mickey and Co. You sigh as you watch them all shift around and mewl at each other.

They were getting so big and you couldn’t help but want to pick them up and feel on them. You resist however because it was late and you didn’t want to disturb them too much. Instead, you just sit down with a sigh watching from across the room as Bit finally settles back down next to her kittens.

You wonder how Billie was going to part with them all. She had mentioned keeping Mickey, but she’d said nothing about Bit. She would need to be spayed soon, and you could talk about that at your next visit, but for now you didn’t really care. You wanted to take at least one of the kittens, but you weren’t sure how that would work. Milo was okay with Mickey for a limited time, but you had to make sure that this behavior would extend to any cat that you brought home. It was worth figuring out, but you were too tired to consider it at the moment.

You lean back against the washer with a yawn before you close your eyes. You were just going to rest for a minute then you would get ready for bed.

Billie was still downstairs reading through what Michelle had sent her when you drifted off in the laundry room. She was worried about tomorrow. More worried than she’d typically be for an interview. Tomorrow wasn’t just going to be the standard, ‘tell us about the new season of your show’ interview. Now that Billie was seeing someone and they’d been in the media so much, there was no way that this wouldn’t be a topic of conversation. Billie just hoped that it wasn’t going to overshadow the real reason why she was doing this interview.

She had agreed with confirming her relationship with you, before the events of this week had pretty much done that for her. She had been excited to do so, and she hated that she was a little less thrilled about having the conversation.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want people to know about you, or even ask about you. She was proud of you and wanted to show you off. She didn’t; however, want to answer intrusive questions that were really no one’s business but your own. Billie was just lucky enough to be privy to some of your secrets. She could always pretend not to know, but after a long talk with Michelle and Jeff about this, it was decided that refusing to comment about this week’s incidents wouldn’t look good.

It didn’t matter how it was framed, not knowing about what was going on with you, or pretending not to would cause more speculation that Billie didn’t want.

Billie’s goal for tomorrow was to talk about her show that would be airing in just a couple of weeks. She would talk about what viewers should expect, how filming it went, and whether or not there would be more to come.

She had also decided that she would talk about you enough to placate whoever wanted to know, but not too much to make you uncomfortable. That was Billie’s main concern, and after having permission to talk about what happened on Sunday and the first night you spent at her house, she was feeling a little better. She wouldn’t say too much and she didn’t plan on making any of it a big deal.

She just really wanted to promote her show and talk a little bit about her girlfriend.

When Billie finally finished up and decided to go to bed, it was around 11. She was tired and needed to sleep. She needed to get up early to make it to the studio in time for makeup and all of that. Billie was still thinking about how late she could wake up when she arrived upstairs and immediately heard whining from down the hall.

She heads toward the guest room and immediately realizes what the cause was. She could see Milo’s paws appear every other second as he tried to dig his way out from under the door. Billie sighs as she opens the door to let him out before he rips up her carpet. He immediately runs into the hallway and looks both ways for you. Billie realizes quickly that you aren’t in there and she heads toward the laundry room. Milo follows, but she doesn’t let him in when she opens the door and sneaks inside.

She sees you fast asleep against the washer, and she sighs before turning to check on the kittens. They are fast asleep as well, but they look a lot more comfortable than you do. Billie reaches out for your shoulder to gently shake you awake.

“Y/N. You can’t sleep in here.”

You groan in annoyance as you’re awoken from your little nap. You see the kittens first and you realize where you fell asleep. Next, you turn to see Billie standing over you, and you smile slightly before shaking your head. You didn’t even hear what she’d said to you, but you find yourself responding nevertheless.

“I know, I know. I’m awake.”

Billie smiles at you before reaching her hand out to help you up. You grab it with a quiet ‘thanks’ before getting to your feet with another groan. You roll your eyes at the sound of Milo whining from outside, and you are quick to follow Billie out into the hall.

You reach out for your dog smiling as he licks your hand before he follows you and Billie back to your room.

“All done with work?”

Billie nods as you both make the short trip back to the guest room. You hesitate to go in because you really don’t like sleeping alone as much as you like sleeping with Billie. Not that you would be sleeping with her, you just wanted to be near her. You weren’t sure how to communicate this, but apparently just standing in the doorway and staring into the room wasn’t the best way.

“Is something wrong?”

Billie frowns as she watches you just stare blankly into the room that Milo has returned to. He’s sitting at the foot of the bed, but you’re not looking at him. Once you realize that you were just staring, you turn towards Billie with a smile before shaking your head.

“No. Nothing’s wrong, Billie. I-.”

You pause briefly as you think back to the weird vibe you’d been feeling since dinner. You consider just going to sleep in your own room, but your neediness outweighs your paranoia at the moment.

“I was just wondering if I could stay with you?”

Billie smiles before beginning to nod because she had been waiting for you to ask this. She didn’t like having you here for two nights but not sleeping near you for either. She didn’t want to push you though because you were recovering and she was sure that any sounds she made would have irritated you. Now that you were doing better, she had another reason to decline.

“Of course you can, Y/N, but I don’t know if you’ll want to. I have to wake up pretty early tomorrow.”

You frown in confusion until you remember that today is Tuesday, meaning that tomorrow is Wednesday. The day of Billie’s interview. You know that it’s not until 9 and you can’t imagine how early Billie has to wake up. Maybe 7? The earliest 6?

“For your interview, right? How early do you need to be up?”

Billie smiles before she gives you the time and watches as your mouth falls open in surprise. You’re quick to shut it though as you ask incredulously.

“5:00 am? That’s ridiculous. Why do you need to get up so early, Billie?”

Billie just laughs before she rolls her eyes and runs a hand through her hair.

“I have to get ready, Y/N. They need ample time to make me look tv ready.”

You snort at this before you start walking down the hall to Billie’s room. You walk slowly in case Billie really just doesn’t want company before shaking your head.

“Well, that shouldn’t take very long. Come on, Billie. Is that all you got? I can go back to sleep before watching your interview.”

This catches Billie’s attention and she stops in her tracks behind you before shaking her head. Not that you see her, but what she says next makes you stop short.

“You’re not going to watch tomorrow, are you Y/N?”

You turn around to face Billie, shooting her a confused look before you nod. You can’t think of a single reason why you wouldn’t watch Billie’s interview tomorrow. If you had the choice, you would be going to it, but that wasn’t an option. It hadn’t been brought up before your fall, and now there was no way you were getting an invitation.

“Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I watch?”

Billie sighs before she walks past you toward her room. You follow her wondering what’s on her mind, not even noticing how Milo is following you both. Billie retreats into her room before she starts to undress. She pulls her sweatshirt over her head before she responds to you with a pointed look.

“Your concussion? You’re not supposed to be watching television.”

You obviously realize this, but decide to argue anyway because there was no way you weren’t watching Billie tomorrow.

“I know, but it’s only what? An hour? Also! I can just listen!”

You watch as Billie sighs in defeat before she just studies you for a minute. You don’t back down. You don’t even look away when Milo comes up to you and nudges your hand asking for scratches. You wait until Billie just rolls her eyes before giving in.

“Alright, Y/N.  I trust you to know your limits. I just hope you don’t get a migraine watching me fend off silly questions.”

You smile victoriously, but Billie doesn’t see it as she retreats to her closet. You don’t realize what she’s doing until she comes back with some clothes for you. You smile gratefully before you set them down on the bed so you can change. Milo follows you, reminding you that he’s in here and you go to kick him out.

“Milo, come on. You’re going to sleep downstairs.”

You are almost out the door when Billie speaks up, and Milo stops before you do before bounding back into the room and over to the medium.

“He can stay here. As long as he doesn’t bark in his sleep or anything.”

You watch as Milo greets Billie before moving to the foot of the bed. He looks at it for a moment like he wants to jump, but luckily he just lays down on the carpet with a yawn. You realize that you hadn’t answered Billie’s question, so you shake your head before offering a verbal response once you see that she’s not facing you.

“Uh, no. He won’t do that.”

Once you and Billie are ready for bed you follow her lead as you get under the covers and turn off the lamp beside you. You sit in silence for a moment waiting for Billie to get situated before speaking. You don’t want to stress Billie out, either of you really, but you want to make sure that you say this before Billie leaves tomorrow.

“Are you worried about tomorrow?”

Billie can’t see you since it’s dark, but she can picture the frown on your face as you ask this. She knows better than to lie to you because you’d been with her all day, and there was no way you’d fail to notice how much time she had spent preparing for tomorrow’s interview.

She eventually sighs before sitting up again and reaching for the light. She wants to be able to look at you when you have this conversation.

“I’m a little worried that they’ll try to make it more about the two of us, than the show.”

You squint slightly as the light flicks back on before nodding in agreement. You hate that you messed this up. The timing of everything couldn’t be worse for Billie’s interview and you’re feeling really guilty. This was supposed to be about promoting her show and giving everyone a chance to see how amazing the medium was. You weren’t biased at all, but you were going to be so angry if Billie doesn’t get the recognition she deserves tomorrow.

“I’m sorry.”

You say this before you can stop yourself and Billie frowns as she watches you cringe. She realizes it’s not because of a headache as you scramble to explain yourself.

“I just mean—I hope I didn’t mess anything up for you. You worked so hard for this and now no one will appreciate it because they’re--.”

You are cut off as Billie reaches for your shoulder before moving to push away some flyaway hair with a smile. You look to her in confusion because you’re not sure why she’s smiling, but she doesn’t let you wonder long.

“Y/N, you didn’t mess up anything. In fact, you showing up in my life has been one of the best things to happen to me in a long time.”

You feel your heart start pounding at Billie’s words and you open your mouth to say something, but you can’t. You’re speechless. Billie just smiles before she leans in to kiss you.

“I don’t want you to feel guilty about anything, okay? Tomorrow will be fine.”

You find yourself nodding in agreement before you’ve even decided that Billie’s right, but it doesn’t matter. You know she is, and you just have to trust that she knows what she’s talking about. She has been doing this much longer than you have.

“Okay, Billie.”

Billie smiles before she turns off her light again before getting settled. She waits until you lie down too before sighing and she’s smiling by the time you move closer to her.

“I wish I could get you to see how special you really are, Y/N,”

You don’t respond immediately, at least not with words, but you move closer so Billie can pull you into her. Once you’re close enough, you turn so your back is to her before scooting as close as possible with a sigh. You bite your lip so you don’t say what’s on the tip of your tongue. Instead you just thank Billie again by squeezing her hand where it rests on your stomach.

“You’re too good to me, Billie Dean.”

The woman behind you just scoffs in answer, and you chuckle under your breath as you close your eyes. It’s almost midnight, and despite the fact that you know you’ll be woken up in five short hours, you can’t bring yourself to care. You’re convinced that you’ll wake up sleep-deprived every morning if you are able to spend every night like this in Billie’s arms.

Part 16

#american horror story #ahs #ahs fic #ahs imagine #my fic #ahs murder house #billie dean howard x reader #billie dean howard imagine #billie dean howard #a little bit

[sapphirelass]

Oh, darling - Remus LupinxDaughter, Harry PotterxOC

Hiiiiiii😊

Hey, would you look at that! It’s only been a week since last time! So, this might be a bit confusing if you have read “Deal?” and “I’ll be by your side”, but hear me out: “Deal?” is still part 1, but since “I’ll be by your side” takes place after this one, that will now be part 3, and this part 2. Does that make sense? I hope so :) That means that this takes place between OotP and the Battle of Hogwarts, but I’m sure you’ll understand! :)

Deal? (Part 1) | Oh, darling... (Part 2) | I’ll be by your side (Part 3) 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please note:

1: I don’t own any of the gifs used, nor any already established characters, so credit to the authors and original creators - You have done a phenomenal job :)

2: English is not my native language, as I was born and raised in Sweden. I have, however, studied English for almost a decade, so I don’t think it’ll be a problem, I just thought I’d let you know ;)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Word count: ≈ 5,5k (Ohhh, you’re in for a long one!)

Warnings: Blood, Torture & Capture (Malfoy Manor scenes from DH, not very descriptive, but consider yourself warned!), Greyback (both being violent and... intrusive?), use of the more offensive word for ‘Muggle-born’, angst, Bellatrix

And in case you were wondering, yes I did look up lunar charts from 1998 when writing this XD

Enjoy! :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, darling... 

“He’s abroad! He’s still looking for the wand, I knew it!”

“Harry-”

“Come on, Hermione, why are you so determined not to admit it? Vol-”

“HARRY NO!”

“-demort’s after the Elder Wand!”

“The name’s Taboo!”, Ron bellowed, leaping to his feet as a loud crack sounded outside the tent. “I told you, Harry, we can’t say it anymore! We’ve got to p-”

“Shhh!?”

Bree had appeared behind Ron and put her hand over his mouth. 

“Ron, our chances are gonna be even slimmer if you keep howling!”

The redhead nodded to confirm that he had understood what his friend had whispered, and she removed her hand. For a few *wonderful moments* the four of them thought they had made it! They waited in complete silence - Harry standing protectively in front of the others with his wand in a firm grip.

“Come out of there with ye’ hands up!”, came a rasping voice through the darkness. “You’ve got half a dozen wands aimed at ya’ and we don’t care who we curse!”

Harry turned around slowly and noticed Hermione and Breanna coming to a silent agreement. He was just about to ask the others what they thought they should do when Hermione aimed her wand at his face. There was a bang, a burst of white light and Harry buckled in agony, unable to see, as heavy footfalls surrounded the gang.

Bree let out a small whimper as someone grabbed a fistfull of her hair and pulled her out of the tent. Harry, Ron and Hermione were wrested outside as well, and all four of them were restrained to prevent their escape. Breanna and Hermione both got their wrists bound together, but they stood next to each other while the snatchers questioned the boys.

Harry suddenly let out a distressed shout, because Scabior had smirked evilly and made his way closer to Bree.

“Don’t touch her! Don’t you dare!”

“Fine”, he said. “I won’t”

He turned back towards the girls, raised his wand and a swift movement caused Breanna’s legs to give in. She fell to her knees, her hands still tied behind her back. Harry opened his mouth to say something, but Scabior got there first. 

“Ey, like I promised, I didn’t touch ‘er.”

He took a few threatening steps towards the girls and stood towering over Breanna as she was forced to kneel by the snatcher’s feet.

“And your name, girly?”

Bree swallowed nervously before answering.

“Katie Bell. Halfblood.”

Scabior smiled again and walked over to Hermione. He was just about to ask her the same question when another snatcher approached them from behind.

“That’s a lie”

“What?”, asked Scabior. “What ‘ru on about?”

“I might not remember every single one.”, said the voice. “But when people are bit as revenge, I tend not to forget their name… or smell”

Fenrir Greyback stepped into the moonlight looking absolutely wild. His dirty hair was full of leaves and small sticks, and he had dried blood on his hands. 

Scabior grabbed Breanna’s hair again, pulled her to her feet and pushed her towards Greyback. Harry struggled ferociously against the snatcher holding him, but it was no use. This gang might not be the smartest, but they were big, and strong. The situation seemed oddly familiar to Harry, and he realized that it remembered him of the few times Dudley’s friends had caught him and held him back while Dudley himself put his boxing skills to ‘good use’. This was worse though, and he kept fighting to get out of the snatcher’s grip despite knowing that it was impossible.

“Don’t touch her! Back off!!”

Greyback didn’t seem to hear Harry’s protests and roughly seized the collar of Breanna’s torn, dirty shirt. She tried to push him away, but without the use of her hands that proved to be very difficult, and Grayback pulled her closer instead. He grabbed her by the throat, and, because the werewolf was so tall, her feet no longer touched the ground once he could look her in the eye.

“HA!”

Greyback laughed darkly and threw the girl to the ground. 

“Lupin…”, he muttered. “Didn’t know that traitor had a pup. You think daddy would like you to join or… pack?”

He bent down to his knees and dragged a sharp claw along her neck, forcing her to lift her head.

Both Harry and Ron had, at this point however, had enough and were just about to shout again when Scabior spoke up.

“C’mon Greyback. We’re wastin’ time. ‘m sure the ministry will let ya keep ‘er if the others are valuable enough. You take the halfbreed and we’ll bind the rest to the other prisoners.”

Greyback grabbed hold of the rope securing Breanna’s hands behind her back, and Scabior turned towards Hermione again.

“And you, love? A name? And blood status if you’d be so kind.”

“Penelope Clearwater, halfblood.”

“Easy enough to check.”

Someone yanked Harry, Ron and Hermione up by the hair, dragged them a few feet, pushed them down into a sitting position, and started binding them back to back with some other people.

A few snatchers went into the tent, presumably looking for anything of value, and the others kept a close eye on the bound prisoners. The group seemed to be getting ready to leave, but suddenly Scabior approached, a copy of the Daily Prophet in his right hand.

“Ang on a minute, Greyback! Look at this, in the Prophet! ‘Ermione Granger, mudblood known to be travellin’’ with ‘Arry Potter.’”

Greyback lifted Hermione’s head using his boot and said, “You know what little girly? This picture looks a hell of a lot like you.”

“It’s not me!”, said Hermione, “I swear it’s n-”

“Well this changes things, doesn’t it?”, whispered Greyback. Harry could still barely see, but noticed Breanna trembling as Greyback tightened his grip around her wrist. She stumbled slightly when the werewolf took a few steps towards Harry and bent down to get a closer look at his face.

“Oi, Vernon, what’s that on ya’ forehead?”

“Don’t touch it!”

“I thought you wore glasses, Potter”

“I found glasses!”

Another snatcher came running from the tent and seconds later Harry’s glasses had been rammed back on to his face. 

“It is!”, howled Greyback triumphantly. “We’ve caught Potter!”

“So? To the ministry?”

“To hell with the ministry. I say we take them directly to You-know-who. Let’s take the boy to the Malfoys’ place”

“‘ru completely sure? Cause-”

“Who’s in charge here?”, roared Greyback. “I say it’s Potter, that’s 200000 galleons, and with any luck I’ll get the girl thrown in.”

The prisoners were dragged to their feet.

“I’ll get Potter too”, said Greyback while grabbing a fistfull of Harry’s hair. He wasn’t overly excited about standing so close to the vicious werewolf, but felt somewhat relieved when he was held right by Breanna’s side and she carefully leant her head on his shoulder. The small action gave him a sense of comfort despite the danger and seriousness of the situation.

“1, 2, 3…”

They disapparated.

~~~~~

“I know ‘e’s swollen, ma’am, but it’s ‘im.”, Scabior said. “If you look a bit closer, you’ll see his scar.”

“Bring them in.”

Harry and the rest were brutally shoved and kicked up broad stone steps into a hallway lined with portraits. Two figures rose from chairs in front of an ornate marble fireplace as the prisoners were forced into the room by the snatchers. Lucius Malfoy took a step forward.

“What’s this?”

“They say they have got Potter”, answered Narcissa coldly. “Draco, come here.”

Draco approached the prisoners apprehensively, but claimed not to be sure whether it, in fact, was Harry.

“How ‘bout them others, then?”, growled Greyback while pushing Ron, Hermione, Breanna, Dean and Griphook forwards. “‘tis at least one mudblood, a Weasley and an Order member’s kid - recognize either?”

Draco still didn’t know, however Lucius Malfoy felt sure enough, and was just about to call ‘The Dark Lord’ when Bellatrix Lestrange entered the room and walked up to the captives. She began arguing with Lucius, but stopped abruptly when noticing the sword of Gryffindor being held by one of the snatchers. 

Bellatrix went to attack, but changed her mind once Greyback told her that they had found the sword in Harry, Ron, Hermione and Breanna’s tent. Narcissa, who seemed increasingly worried as her sister attacked various people in the room, turned to the group of ‘kids’ again. 

“Take these prisoners down to the cellar, Greyback”

“Wait!”, screeched Bellatrix. “All except… except the girls.”

“NO!”, exclaimed Harry just as Ron, struggling violently against the ropes that bound him, let out a loud roar.

“NO! You can have me! Keep me!!”

Bellatrix simply cackled evilly and said, “If one of them dies under questioning, I’ll take you next. Mudbloods, offsprings of Halfbreeds and blood traitors - they’re all the same to me. Greyback, take them downstairs and make sure they’re secure. But don’t do anything else. Yet...”

She grabbed both Breanna and Hermione by the hair and dragged them into the middle of the room. She let go and they both fell face first into the hard, dark floor with a crack. With a swift wave of her wand, thick ropes wrapped themselves around the girls’ ankles, effectively preventing them from escaping, and she then turned towards Greyback.

“Hurry up! Get them down quickly and you can have the Halfbreed. ‘m sure her screams will be enough to keep you entertained for a while?” 

Greyback forced the rest of them into a dark passageway, his wand held out in front of him, projecting an invisible and irresistible force.

“Reckon she’ll let me have a bit of the girls when she’s finished with ‘em?”, Greyback crooned as he forced them along the corridor. “I’d say at least a bite or two each, wouldn’t you, boys? I think I’ll save the Lupin girl for Saturday, huh? I bet the full moon will make her taste even better, don’t you think??”

Both Harry and Ron were shaking in anger, but the invisible force kept them all in place. They were forced down a steep flight of stairs, still tied back-to-back and in danger of slipping and breaking their necks at any moment. At the bottom of the stairs was a heavy door, and Greyback opened it, pushed them all inside and slammed the door shut, but just as they hit the ground, a loud, panicked, heart wrenching scream was heard from directly above them.

“HERMIONE!? BREE!?”

~~~~~

“I’m going to ask you again! Where did you take this sword? WHERE?!”

“We found it! - We found it! - PLEASE!!”

“You’re lying, you filthy mudblood, and I know it. You have been inside my vault at Gringotts! Tell the truth! TELL THE TRUTH!!”

“It was my fault!”, cried Breanna desperately, hoping that Bellatrix wouldn’t be as harsh on her since she was a half blood. Deep down, she knew that this was highly improbable, but she couldn’t stand watching Hermione writhing in pain. “I found it, Hermione had nothing to do with it! Leave her alone!”

Bellatrix dropped Hermione, and Breanna was pulled off the ground for the umpteenth time that day.

“Don’t you worry. You’ll get your fair share too - Ah!”

In just that moment, Greyback walked the last few steps of the stairs and entered the big room.

“Right on time, Grayback! Do what you want with this one.”

She threw Breanna into Greyback’s arms and turned back to Hermione.

“See if you can get anything of value out of her first, though. If her father is part of the Order as you say, then surely enough… persuasion… should give us something.”

Greyback dragged Breana by the hair so that they were a few feet away from Bellatrix, and bent over the girl standing on all four. His wild face was merely inches from hers, and she flinched involuntarily feeling his warm breath on her neck. The werewolf stroked his hairy hand across her cheek, and Breanna closed her eyes, desperately trying to imagine being somewhere else. She was, however, fully aware of the fact that this was only the beginning. Greyback was famous for his savagery and brutal methods, and her father had once told her the story of their first encounter. Remus had told her how her grandfather, Lyall, had insulted the werewolf, who would later take his revenge by biting Lyall’s son. 

Suddenly, a burning sensation spread from her neck down to her waist - causing her to let out a pained scream. She had been so lost in thought that she failed to notice Greyback raising his hand, with nails like claws, and slashing it across her body. Her thin shirt went from light green to red in a matter of seconds and she scrambled to get away from him - ultimately failing when he caught some of her hair between his hand and the floor. 

“You know”, growled Greyback. “I told Potter and the blood traitor I’d save my sample of yourself for Saturday but… why choose?”

He grabbed her hands and held them far away from the rest of her body, giving her little to no chance of protecting herself, bent closer and sank his sharp teeth deep into her shoulder.

Breanna let out yet another bloodcurdling scream and thrashed violently, which only caused Greyback to scratch his claws across her face before swiftly standing and landing a rough kick to her stomach. 

She coughed slightly and tried to get up, but it was then Greyback finally seemed to remember the fact that he owned a wand.

“What do ya’ think you’re doin’? Stay on the floor, where ya’ belong! CRUCIO!”

Breanna began writhing in pain, just like Hermione had earlier, but the sheer strength of the curse combined with previous pain, blood loss and the mental trauma of having been bitten by a werewolf - though not transformed at the time - was enough to make her stop fighting. She didn’t fully pass out, but lay limp at the floor.

Bellatrix had bound Hermione to a pillar near the fireplace and was instead questioning a goblin about the Sword of Gryffindor.

“No”, said Griphook. “It is a fake”

“Are you sure? Quite sure?”

“Yes”

“Good”, she said, and with a casual flick of her wand she slashed another deep cut on the goblin’s face. “And now - we call the Dark Lord. I’m sure we can dispose of these two”. She used her foot to turn Breanna over and studied her broken being with a sly smile. “Keep ‘em if you want, Greyback!”

“NOOOOOOOO!”

Ron and Harry dashed into the room, Ron disarming Bellatrix and Harry catching her wand while simultaneously stunning Lucius Malfoy.

“STOP OR THEY DIE!!”

Harry and Ron both looked at Bellatrix who held a struggling Hermione in one hand, and used the other to press a silver dagger to her neck - all while resting a high heeled boot millimetres above the throat of Breanna’s now unconscious form. 

“Drop the wands, or I won’t hesitate to let them both die covered in their own filthy blood. I said DROP THEM!!!!”

The boys threw the wands to the floor and Draco, after being told to, picked them up. Harry could feel Voldemort approaching, and the situation felt quite hopeless… None of them had a wand, he and Ron stood with their hands by their shoulders and wands pointing in their direction, and Bellatrix - who had already taken Sirius from him - had both the girls in her grasp.

“Now, I think we ought to tie these little heroes up again.”, said Bellatrix softly. “While Greyback takes care of Miss Halfbreed. I suppose you could have the mudblood too, if you fancy it. I’m sure the Dark Lord won’t begrudge you that after all you have done tonight.”

Her speech was interrupted by a peculiar grinding noise from above. All of them looked up and noticed Dobby on the chandelier. Bellatrix dropped Hermione and jumped out of the way - the chandelier falling on top of Hermione, Breanna and Griphook. Harry took the chance and pulled their wands out of Draco’s hand and then joined Ron in trying to get the girls to safety. He pointed all the wands at Greyback at the same time and shouted “STUPIFY!”, before picking Bree up into his arms. They all stood surrounding Dobby who apparated them all out of there. 

~~~~~

A soft knock caused Breanna to immediately look towards the door, but she breathed a sigh of relief once realizing that it was safe. She had been rather jumpy since their capture, and she hated feeling so… weak? Fragile? Hopeless?

“Hey, you doing alright?”

“Hi, Bill. Yes, I’m good. How’s Hermione?”

Bill smiled. “She’ll be fine. I’m sure it must have been horrifying for her, but trust me, we’ve seen worse. With both Fleur and Ron by her side I can’t find a reason to be worried. Honestly, I’m much more concerned about you.”

“Bill, I’m f-”

“No, see, I don’t think you are. Purely based on what the others have told me, you’ve gone through both physical and mental torture beyond what even the least decent person should consider ‘acceptable’. Your silence, constant twitching and rapid breathing further supports that theory. We just want to help.”

“Look, I appreciate that, I really do bu-”

“Do you want me to send word to your dad?”

“I- Wha- No! No, I’ll manage. A day or two to rest and a chance to process all that happened should get me back on my feet. I don’t want to worry him… Please, Bill, do-”

“Okay, I won’t write”, said Bill hesitantly. “But then you must promise to let us help. And if Remus contacts us asking whether we know anything about the four of you - I won’t lie. He’s done that roughly twice a week since November, though weirdly enough not the last couple of days, and there’s a bond of trust there, Bree. I trust you can understand that?”

“Of course”, she said, managing a weak smile. “But surely you, if anyone, would understand that you have to move on. I mean, you were attacked in essentially the same way last year and you sti-”

But Bill just shook his head.

“No, Bree, they’re not ‘essentially the same’. Not at all. When Greyback-”, Breanna flinched at the name and Bill put a hand on her shoulder. “When he attacked me, it was quick. Sure, it hurt like hell, but it was over in less than a minute. And I know you won’t like me saying this, but I suspect that was the case even for your dad. What he’s had to endure since that night is a whole nother story, but the actual moment? For the two of us, he was out to kill, and thankfully interrupted before he got the chance, but in your case I wouldn’t call it an ‘attack’ but rather… An intrusion, or violation if you will. Bree, what you went through, I can’t even imagine.”

Bill could tell the young girl didn’t know what to say, so he simply pulled her in for a gentle hug.

“Do you want me to ask Harry to come up?”

“What are they doing? I don’t wanna interru-”

“Just having dinner. We’d have brought you downstairs too, but you were still unconscious or sleeping half an hour ago. Fleur didn’t feel the need to drag you out of bed then.” He paused and examined her for a moment before standing.

“I’ll get him, give me a minute.”

 ~~~~~

“Harry, what if Dumbledore wanted us to work out the symbol in time to get the wand? What i-”

“Ron, I-”

Their conversation was interrupted when Bill entered the kitchen.

“Harry? She’s up.”

Harry turned to his best friend’s brother, a look of utter confusion on his face.

“I.. Wha- How is she? Can I-”

“Go. She’s trying to be strong, of course, yet there’s something more there. Her bravery is admirable, but I don’t think it’s very healthy to keep it all bottled up. If anyone could get her to let it out it’d be you. Go.”

~~~~~

Harry carefully pushed the door open, and his eyes immediately found hers. They had been friends for so many years now, that reading each other’s thoughts was considered ‘normal’. Harry was instantaneously relieved when she didn’t jump, flinch or move away from the door. He walked over to the bed and was pulled into a loving hug before even sitting down. That was not what he had expected…! Sure, he had hoped that she wouldn’t be completely broken, but considering everything he - they - had been through, he hadn’t dared to imagine any best case scenario only to be completely crushed by the truth.

“Bree? How a-”

But that was all it took - for him to say her name. She wasn’t sobbing, just crying silently - tears falling freely from her eyes.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, Harry. Crying’s not going to help anyone I just-”

“Bree, don’t apologize, please. Just let it out, you’re safe. I’m here and I’m not leaving you again, okay? You’re safe now. You’re sa-”

There was a loud ‘BANG’ on the front door. Harry grabbed his wand and took a few careful steps down the stairs, constantly making sure that Bree was right behind him. He grabbed her hand tightly and watched as Bill, with his wand pointing towards the door, made his way from the kitchen to the hallway.

“Who is it?”

“It is I, Remus John Lupin. I’m a werewolf, married to Nymphadora Tonks, and you, the Secret Keeper of Shell Cottage, told me the address, and bade me come in an emergency.”

“Lupin!”

Bill ran to the door and wretched it open. Bree looked over Harry’s shoulder and saw her dad stumble over the threshold before standing up straight and exclaiming “It’s a boy! We’ve named him Ted after Dora’s father.”

“Wow, that’s amazing!”, sad Bill sounding uncharacteristically nervous as he met Fleur’s gaze. Tonks having her baby would explain Remus’ lack of messages for the past few days, and Bill was starting to regret not letting him know about his daughter’s condition as soon as she had arrived.

Remus seemed to calm down slightly as well, and suddenly noticed Ron, Hermione, Dean and Luna at the dining table

“Wha-”, he began, but Bill just nodded towards the living room.

“Remus, look, I think you better sit down and I-”

But the older man didn’t seem to agree with whatever Bill was going to suggest.

“What happened?! When?! And whe-”

He didn’t get to say much more before two arms wrapped around him from behind. He knew, given the current state of the Wizarding World, that he should grab his wand and push them away, but he already suspected who it was. His theory was confirmed by a hoarse whisper:

“Dad.”

It was such a short word, but her voice broke nonetheless. He began turning around, desperate to get a good look at his daughter after over eight months apart, but she struggled against him.

“Bree, let me look at you?! Stop- NO, stop it I-”

He might just have travelled through a storm, but was still the stronger of the two. Physical strength would, however, prove to be essentially worthless, and the Marauder fell to his knees as soon as he laid eyes on his only daughter. He forced himself to look at her, but it must have been one of the most challenging things the man had ever had to do.

She was covered in deep wounds & scratches from head to toe. Her wrists were bloody and bruised and at least a few, red bite marks stood out against her otherwise pale skin. Her eyes were red, and her face was still covered in wet tears. She was trying her best to stand up straight, but no one knew Bree like her father did - not even Harry - and Remus immediately sensed that something was wrong. She was crouching down ever so slightly - almost as if she had been curled up or forced into a fetal position for way too long.

“Oh, darling…”

Those two words were the only ones he managed while his mind desperately worked on processing the sight in front of him. He had come with the intention of sharing some joyful news, but this - what had happened instead - was way beyond his worst nightmares. His boggart had been the full moon for as long as he could remember, but he was quite sure the silvery orb would not glide out from the cupboard the next time he had to face one.

“Bree?”, mumbled Harry. “Do you want some help upstairs? I feel like you two could use some privacy..?”

She nodded, and Harry, who had now also noticed her unusual posture, placed her right arm over his shoulders and helped her back up. Her father - naturally - followed closely behind.

~~~~~

Bree sat back on the bed from before, her gaze focused on a particularly interesting spot on the floor. Her father sat down next to her and gently placed an arm around her small body, expertly avoiding the many red or brownish lines. She wanted to look back at him. To put her arm around him and return the hug, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Sure, he did promise her not to blame himself for whatever fights she chose, but this was different. She hadn’t chosen this one, and her wounds were far worse than anything Umbridge had ever accomplished. Just the thought of having to tell him who was responsible and what he had said frightened her. Not that she was scared of her dad, but she knew he would claim that everything was his fault. She couldn’t lie, though. Not this time. He deserved to know exactly what happened. 

“Bree? Darling? Are you okay? What happened?”

His voice was now extremely gentle, which was comforting for Breanna too. She took a deep breath and turned to face him. She spoke barely above a whisper, her neck still bruised and sore from the countless times she had been grabbed and held by it.

“Yes. Yes, I’m good. Or fine at least.”

“I assume you understand that I want to hear the full story, but I must ask - when?”

He reached towards her shoulder and gently brought his hand over the bite marks.

“‘round Easter, I don’t know exactly… seventh? eight? ninth? Not the eleventh though, I’m sure of that.”

His facial expression went from terrified to slightly calmer as he rubbed his temple.

“Okay, that’s… that’s good. Given the circumstances, I mean. And you’re absolutely positive? Because sometimes traumatic events can make you forge-”

“Dad, I’m sure! If there’s one part of me that’s in prime condition it’s my memory...I- I remember every second.”

She shuddered at the thought of if all, and quickly added, “He wasn’t transformed…”

Remus looked at her sadly, the truth, or at least parts of it, now clear to him.

“Not Gre-”

“DoN’t! Please...”

She put her head on his torso when he pulled her closer.

“Please, I can’t-”

“Breathe, Darling. You’re safe. I’m sorry I… Blimey I should have guessed. Took me months and I was barely five… C’mere.”

They sat like that for a while, Remus resting his head on his daughter’s while humming quietly. He eventually decided he couldn’t take it anymore and cleared his throat to catch her attention.

“Bree? You have to tell me what happened. Have you gotten these wounds treated? They don’t look very good…”

“Trust me, they were much worse back then. I think Fleur did her best to heal them. She’s really goo-”

He looked away and took a deep breath. “You’re avoiding the question, Bree…”

“Dad, I do-”

“YOU PROMISED!”

He slammed his hands down on the bed as his voice grew angrier.

“Breanna, you promised me you’d never hide any kind of pain from me ever again?! I-”

He suddenly noticed his daughter desperately cowering away and lowered his voice.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry, but I trusted that promise! And don’t even try to tell me how ‘you’re fine’ or ‘it’s not really even hurting anymore’. Bree, I have known you your whole life, let me help. You must te-”

“I know. I will. I know you deserve that, just… I don’t know where to start? A lot has happened… And I also need you to know that I didn’t break my promise. Bill and Harry told me I’ve been drifting in and out of consciousness for days. I only properly woke up an hour or so before you came and haven’t had time to send a message.”

He looked at her, and she moved closer again.

“Sor-”

“It’s good, dad. We’re good, don’t worry about it.”

Then she told him. The entire story - starting with breaking into the Ministry and then everything about Godric’s Hollow, The Lovegoods’ house - but came to an abrupt stop after that. She took a moment to collect her thoughts, but then shared the events of the past two weeks as well. She told her father all about Harry accidentally using You-Know-Who’s name, the group of snatchers surrounding them and their decision not to try to fight their way out.

“We were outnumbered, and had to hide the fact that they had just caught Harry. Hermione used a stinging jinx which, naturally, worked perfectly - they didn’t recognize him at first. They tied us all up and started asking questions about names, blood status and so on. None of us gave them our real names of course, and it worked well until… until he… until he stepped out of the shadows and told the others that the name I had given them was false. It took him a minute or two, but he claimed to… ‘recognize my smell’ - your smell, I suppose.”

“Bree, it’s m-”

“No! You can’t blame yourself. That was your part of the deal, remember?”

“Well, this time it seem like it actually was-”

“not your fault, exactly. The snatchers found some photographs in the Prophet, Harry’s glasses and a bunch of other stuff and kind of made the connection themselves.”

She explained how they were taken to Malfoy Manor. How Bellatrix had ordered everyone apart from the two girls down to the dungeons. How she had bound them even tighter before taking care of Hermione, and later Griphook, herself and leaving Breanna defenceless to deal with Greyback.

“Do you know what the worst part is? I barely even tried to defend myself. Merlin, I just felt so... weak!?! So worthless. He just stood there - right by my face - breathing and”, she shuddered again, “‘petting’. Then he hacked, and slashed, and bit, and kicked and pushed. Eventually realized he was in possession of a wand and… It was unbearable, I-I-I can’t even... ” 

“Shhh, breathe, Darling, breathe! Easy there…” 

He pulled her, if possible, even closer until she sat in her father’s lap. Breanna used to fall asleep in his lap when she was a little girl - the warmth and comfort calming her down - but it had been years since… She was, after all, a young adult now.

“Listen, and I need you to understand this because it is very important - you are not weak! Far from it! In a situation like what you have just described, if you are wandless and unable to practically defend yourself, coming with sly remarks and trying to argue with the one in possession of the wand would not only be dangerous, but also rather careless. If there was anything I could do to change what happened, then believe me, I would, but don’t for a second beat yourself up over your decisions.”

Remus looked at Bree, but chuckled slightly when he noticed his daughter slowly drifting off to sleep. He decided to shake her slightly and wake her before it was too late.

“Bree? Don’t you think it’s better if we go home? You can go to sleep there instead?”

“What?”, she mumbled. “But, dad, we’re not done yet? Harry, Ron and Hermione-”

“-Will just have to do without you for a while. Listen to reason, darling. You are injured, shaken and can barely stand up straight - which is perfectly understandable! I’m just saying, the best thing you can do is probably to rest and let them go on for now. Who knows, maybe you will be able to go back after healing?”

Remus made a mental note to keep his daughter close to him from now on, and NOT to let her throw herself back into the war, but felt like this was the best way to convince her right away. He had missed her every minute since they had parted ways back in August, and dreamt of the day they’d reunite, but never had he imagined he’d find her in such a state. He swore to himself that he would always try to keep her safe.

His daughter

His darling

His Bree

Never again… 

~ L

Part 3 I’ll be by your side

Masterlist

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