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youneedsomeprompts · 29 days
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~ IN A VOID ~ FORESHADOWING DEPRESSION PROMPTS
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requested by: @crochet-cafe request: How can I foreshadow or hint that my character has severe depression? I want to make the reveal a big deal when it happens and catch readers off guard
Feel free to use and reblog!
having other characters associate the person's mood with their character traits ("they're always grumpy")
masking their depression really well but being absolutely drained and a lot worse as soon as they're alone
appearing as a 'neutral' person, when their neutral mood actually indicates the emptiness they feel inside
their growing passivity makes them fade into the background
the more excited other people get the more downcast the person becomes (they get perceived as a killjoy)
they don't accept invitations anymore
they always say they're busy but can't answer the question what exactly they're doing
they show no emotional reaction in a fight
everyone says about the person that they have such a hard shell
they usually have been very caring and sensitive to everyone around them but suddenly they seem like they couldn't care less
for more inspiration/how to help: ~ SHOWING SUPPORT FOR SOMEONE WITH DEPRESSION ~ WRITING PROMPTS
note: If you or someone you know feels that way and really needs help, please seek professional help <3
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promptful · 2 years
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105 Comfort Prompts
As usual, my requests and asks are open! if you do request, no smut please :)
WARNINGS: PANIC ATTACK, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION. ALCOHOL MENTION. CHEATING MENTION.
DIALOGUE: 
GIVING COMFORT:
“Hey, tell me what’s wrong?”  
“I’m here for you.”
“It’s going to be okay.” 
“Are you all right?” 
“You’ll be okay, I promise.” 
“What’s going on?” 
“Come here, let me hold you.” 
“Please, don’t cry.” 
“I have you.” 
“Take a deep breath.” 
“Tell me what you’re feeling.” 
“I’ll take care of it, don’t worry.” 
“I won’t leave.” 
“Why don’t we go on a drive?” 
“Let it out.” 
“Everybody makes mistakes.” 
“You’re all right.” 
“Shh, shh, it’s okay.” 
“Can I hold you?” 
“Do you-- can I-- do you want to be held?” 
“Do you want solutions, or comfort?” 
“I have chocolate/flowers?” 
“Do you want to watch a movie with me?” 
“Tell me what I can do for you.” 
“...Who do I need to punch?”
 “Come on, breathe with me.”
“You don’t have to be perfect.”
“You’re perfect just the way you are.”
“How can I help you?”
“Can I touch you?”
“Where does it hurt?”
“You’re allowed to be weak, you know.”
“You have this.”
“You’re never a burden.”
“You aren’t weak.”
“We’ll get through this.”
“Relax, I got you.”
“Please, just open up. I don’t want to leave you alone.” 
“They’re not going to get to you, I promise.” 
“Follow my breaths.” 
NEEDING COMFORT:
“This is stupid--I’m stupid.”
“‘M so weak.”
“I’m sorry I’m not strong enough.”
“I’m a burden, aren’t I?”
“I-- please, help.”
“I can’t breathe, I don’t know what to do-- I can’t--“
“I feel lightheaded.”
“I’m sorry. We were supposed to have fun today.”
“I’m getting your shirt wet...”
“Are you sure this is okay?”
“I should be stronger.”
“I don’t want to get out of bed today.”
“Hold me, please.”
“Why won’t you let me apologize?”
“Thank you for this.”
“I feel safe with you.”
“...You bought me chocolate/flowers?”
“Did you really drive all this way just for me? It’s two in the morning.”
“Is that my comfort movie?”
“You came all this way? For me? 
“I’m not worth the time you spent coming over here.” 
“Please, leave. I’m--” 
“...Why are you here?” 
“My problems are mine, I don’t want to be a burden on you.”  
“You’re too nice to me.”
“I’m a mess…” 
“I’m broken, don’t you understand?” 
“It’s raining. You should be inside. I’m fine.” 
"I'm sorry."
"Why can't you understand? You're too good for me!"
"I can't do this. I can't-- I can't-- I can't--"
"Just shut up! I'm not as good as you say I am!"
"Why do you care so much?"
"Am I really worth it?"
"Thank you for being here."
"I thought I'd be alone today after what happened... thank you."
"You don't know how much I appreciate you."
"Do I really mean that much to you?"
"Stop banging on my door!"
"I love you."
SCENARIOS
Your lover isn't feeling well, and even though it's probably dangerous to drive this late at night, you have to make sure they're all right.
Head between their knees, your lover has their back against the wall, and you're by their side, and trying to help them through whatever is troubling them.
Your best friend's lover broke up with them, and despite having no idea, you supply them with snacks and horrendous movies. At least they smiled at the end of it all.
Trying to keep a smile on your face through the weight of the world to not worry your lover. They figure it out anyway.
Standing in front of a mirror, hands against the counter, with tears dripping down your cheeks, struggling to get everything under control. Everything’s going well until your lover cracks the door open and asks if everything’s okay. It isn’t.
Seeing your lover break down over work/school/family, and trying to comfort them to the best of your abilities, heart breaking with every sob out of their lips. 
Struggling to sleep in you and your lover’s shared bed because they’re working in the living room/kitchen/their office and the bed feels far too cold and empty. Seeking their comfort, you curl up on their lap/beside them/around them. 
Knowing from the moment they said good morning that something was wrong, and trying to schedule your day to spend the most time with them; arms around their neck, waist, shoulders, to provide comfort.
Your lover’s back against your chest, you curled around them. Every agitated breath and erratic heartbeat pulsing through your skin, but slowly, it starts to fall over time. 
Your back against your lover’s chest, their slow heartbeat stark against your stressed one. Gently, the rise and fall of their chest lull you back to safety. 
Sitting in the car, your head against the headrest and mind spinning, but your lover’s hand firm against your thigh keeps you grounded to reality. 
Your ex is trying to embarrass you in public, but your lover steps in as a shield, eyes ablaze in a fury.
Your head against your lover's chest, tears drenching their shirt, they don't care about the wet fabric and just rub your back.
Lungs squeezed to death, you try to breathe through the overwhelming suffocation on your shoulders. Patiently, your lover holds your hands and squeezes them in time with their breaths, eyes gentle.
Your lover made a small/big mistake and they can’t get it out of their head. To everyone else, it was just a small mishap, so you spend a few minutes/an hour/the rest of the night holding and comforting them.
Done with the feeling of being an burden, you try to push away from your lover's comfort, only for them to drag you back into a firm hold.
Something horrible happened, but your lover won't answer the phone/any texts. Standing outside of your door, you threaten to start throwing rocks at their windows/slamming on their door if they don't give any proof that they're all right.
You found your lover on a cold metal bench, hair and clothing drenched, tears pooling down their cheeks. Instead of asking what's wrong, you put your jacket over their shoulders and open up an umbrella.
Your lover's burning up and for some reason keeps bursting into tears at the smallest things. You're a little bewildered, but stay near them all the same.
After an all-nighter, your lover's brain is scrambled, and they keep shedding tears when they think nobody's looking. After coaxing them into your arms, you curl into one another on the couch.
Your lover wakes up to you gasping for air, eyes wide as you just saw horrors beyond your own comprehension. They sling an arm around your waist and pull you close, face tucked against your neck. 
Underneath the blankets, you refuse to get out of bed. Despite feeling horrible about yourself, your lover refuses to leave you be and makes you breakfast, all with a gentle smile.
Your best friend's spouse cheated on them right before valentines day, so as their best friend, you spend the rest of the night trash-talking over bad rom-coms.
Your lover right beside you, comforting you as you weren't able to get the job you wanted/into the university you applied to. Their encouragement makes one more attempt seem not so bad.
Your best friend's drunk and wailing, and you're trying to both comfort them and stop them from climbing into the washing machine.
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demiboydemon · 2 months
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My new therapist: your mental health isn’t perfect, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of :) if you broke your arm, you wouldn’t be ashamed of that
Me, internally: bold of you to assume I would be unashamed of a broken arm
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hmshermitcraft · 2 months
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i have the whole au where scar meets grian in depression and he takes care of grian while the guy is having deserved rest. combs his hair, remind him to take meds, brings him his favourite sweets and scar's support and help makes him go to therapy and they live happily
It's not perfect. There's ups and downs. Scar messes up sometimes, Grian messes up sometimes. Sometimes they both mess up (more often in funny ways but...) Scar attends therapy himself, because he loves Grian, he loves him so much. But sometimes it's hard to carry them both through the rough patches without support.
Yet, despite all the difficulties they face, they carve a place out for themselves where they can be happy. They love each other, and they've made a home.
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pansyfemme · 3 months
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i understand that being inactive can worsen mental health but the way a lot of mental health ‘recovery’ discourages rest makes me so fucking angry. like. age 12 i used to get dismissed from the er because they couldn’t find me a bed to admit me and then like. go back to school. not like the next day, i mean i used to be driven straight from the hospital back to classes and be in history class an hour after nearly being admitted because the doctors told my parents that the last thing i should be doing is missing school. In highschool, at the theraputic program i was at, missing any school at all, even for sick days and medical reasons could make you lose all the points you earned towards like. stupid glitter stickers and all that shit that made us forget why we were there. And as a fucking adult in college now i never miss anything ever, the thought of missing class sends me into a panic attack. When i’m sick and can’t go, i call my parents sobbing because i feel terrible about it and i can’t help but feel that maybe theres a corralation there. That the discouragment of time off may not be a genuine effort to improve my mental health and maybe just another sneaky ploy to stamp out my mental illness to make me a better worker, yknow.
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“Maybe it’s a good mood. Maybe it’s a manic episode.”
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two-red-lungs · 2 years
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Listen I MAY be projecting but. I think Eddie would be able to help you with depressive episodes really well.
Something tells me he had a rough go of it when he was younger. And maybe the first time he didn’t graduate, it hit him hard. He’s very familiar with that void.
And sometimes you fall into it. That black, gut-wrenching, painful nothingness, so cold and empty it’s fucking excruciating and nothing is fun and there’s no point to anything and you can’t even summon up the energy to wake up some days.
He sees your heart go limp and defeated from a fucking mile away because he’s swum in that swamp of sadness. He knows the signs.
And he brings you back. He brings you back because, despite how so many people seem to fucking despise him, you like him and he likes you. Which basically means he’s loyal to the death now.
He shows up at your home. Several times a week. Sits on the edge of your bed, in your dark room. He doesn’t do the fake cheerful, chipper “life is great” bullshit other people try to feed you. He just… talks. Treats you like a person. Says he cares.
He lets you cry.
Eddie reads comics outside in the hall while you take your first shower of the week. He cooks you burnt mac n’ cheese and actually gets you to smile at his incompetency.
Eddie takes you outside, and it’s nice, because instead of staring at your disheveled self people are staring at the constantly-talking loud-mouthed whirlwind jingle-jangling around like a court jester.
He’s doing it on purpose.
Eddie smokes a joint with you up on a hill, looking at the stars. And when you cry into his shoulder again he tells you that shit doesn’t have to be perfect. It just as to be enough to get by until things are good again.
And that void is still empty and black. But now it’s a little smaller than it was yesterday.
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anetteslife · 1 month
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I have a very nice, but pushy customer who invited himself to my house tonight and now I'm anxious as hell
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artsyjesseblue · 6 months
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Slowly Going Mad - Part III - Lotor
This is the third installment of my meta series discussing three essential characters of Voltron:Legendary Defender (Zarkon, Honerva and Lotor) and their gradual mental state transitions throughout the show. After writing the first two parts, I’ve debated whether to publish Lotor’s segment or not, due to the emotional triggers this analysis might raise. I decided to go ahead and post it, because I’d love to create a coherent, complete set of essays, but…
We will descend into some sensitive issues (trauma, mental illness) regarding a controversial character, so if you would prefer to steer clear of it, please do so, for your own peace of mind. I know it has been almost five years since the show ended and many of us prefer to leave certain subjects behind. So, if you consider best to scroll past, do so. Hopefully, the warning tags will also provide a firewall around it.
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Alright, if you clicked past the stop sign, hop along! And thank you for reading!
The purpose of this analysis is to demonstrate that Lotor’s trajectory towards Season 6 follows a mental illness arc, slowly built up, although the reveal of his backstory arrives to us pretty much… backwards. I will enter into subjects such as developmental psychology, coping mechanisms, transactional analysis (TA) and what it means to reach the dam breaking moment.
His sudden, shocking descent into madness in S6 is achieved through subtle context throughout S3-S6. Couple that context with the backstory dropped in S8 and a larger picture will form. This analysis intends to get granular at times, because the psychology of his path lies in the sum of many details.
Here are a few highlights that define a madness arc:
the originating point of the mental affliction: it can be a defeat, a failure, a loss, grief, a dark influence.
recurrent traumas and/or abuse throughout the character’s life, slowly building up.
the traumas and losses of the past haunt the character.
deterioration of connections with family, friends, community, and finally self. Broken connections lead to paranoia and isolation, which feed the vicious cycle.
as the story progresses, the character’s arc reaches a boiling point.
at this critical point, the individual faces a moment of agency and in a tragic mental breakdown, chooses madness. Whatever breaks the dam is a world-shattering event: extreme grief, total loss of loved ones, closest allies and friends, the breach of trust towards the world, or a combination of these. The character will try to fix the world and/or revenge against the ones who did this.
I’ll approach Lotor’s story the same way I did with the other two: chronologically, which means I’ll jump back and forth among episodes, because Lotor’s backstory is also scrambled across the seasons.
Similar mention as with Honerva and Zarkon’s metas:
1) The distinction between the entity and quintessence. The entity is a creature capable of magical stuff, whereas quintessence is a substance (highest known potency in the universe).
2) Shiro’s statement: “Zarkon fell prey to his own evil instincts. The quintessence field didn’t create them, it revealed them.” - it basically casts the responsibility on the character, not on external factors.
BIRTH AND CHILDHOOD
We’ll begin with the days of Honerva’s pregnancy. I already analyzed these parts in Honerva’s meta, so I’ll summarize. Pregnant Honerva shows distorted cheek marks and visible changing of her appearance: gray, unkempt hair, aged countenance, sagging shoulders. Parallel that to Kova, whose appearance changed after the rift entities attacked, and we deduce that Honerva’s metamorphosis might be due to the same kind of illness.
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When Honerva falls ill and starts having what seem to be withdrawal symptoms, she demands to go into the rift to get quintessence, because “we must have it” / [we must] “get back into the rift”. The deduction I made was that the entity was actually the one speaking, because - other than the entity - nobody had ever been into the rift before, so “going back” into the rift is something that only the entity could have asked for. Logically, that means Honerva was possessed/infected with the entity.
—————————————————
And this turns our attention to… baby Lotor:
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S8E2 “Shadows”: “Sire, the birth was difficult, but successful. Your son is healthy and in good shape, though we seem to be getting some strange readings coming from him directly. Similar to those that, well… Similar to those of the empress and… yourself.”
And voila, I think that makes quite a strong argument that Lotor was born with the entity, which gives him a unique position among other characters. In the same scene, the doctor talks about Honerva’s state: “She only seems to become aware when we administer her quintessence. I’m hopeful her condition will improve with time, but… Sire, we’re gonna have to face the fact that our quintessence supplies are finite. The empire cannot continue to run on what we have. And you, and the Empress, without it… you’ll—”
I’m circling back to Kova, which was also revived only after administering him quintessence, and now it’s clear that these “space vampires” cannot survive without the Q life juice.
Which leads me to an interesting question: did Lotor also need quintessence to survive? The answer seems to lead to a no. For the extended period of time when he stayed in Allura’s castle, either as a prisoner or working together with the Paladins, he did not show any signs of… quintessence withdrawal. As the EPs described him, quintessence is part of his DNA. Without divulging anything about the entity, since this interview took place right after S5, here’s their description (Source: AfterBuzz TV S5 interview - link in comments, since external links here seem to affect the visibility of the post):
JDS: It’s pretty safe to say that Lotor’s got that Daywalker kind of thing going on.
Interviewer: Little Vampire.
LM: Being in…in her womb, as [Honerva] was being exposed to all of this quintessence - it’s part of his DNA. It almost puts him on a level with Allura, pretty much how her quintessence is a part of her DNA. So it’s interesting to see.
Armed with this information, let’s move through the buildup of events that show us Lotor’s backstory, before we see him for the first time in Season 3.
In S8E2, which I’ll quote for a while, because it holds the bulk of Lotor’s early years, we first see baby Lotor right after his birth, rejected by Honerva. Similarly, Zarkon’s paternal instincts are almost abolished. He abruptly orders the doctor: “Take him away.”
The complete lack of empathy for the little nugget gives us just a hint into what this child will go through as he grows up.
——————————————
The next time we meet him, he’s an adorable, tiny school boy, whose stature is below Galra lineage expectations, but as a counterbalance, Dayak points out his remarkable skills and intelligence: he completed the Agotian trials successfully, even though they were advanced for his age. Also, his tactical scores are they highest they’ve ever measured. (Tactical scores, hehe. We know he’s going to become a good tactician later in life; it’s his natural inclination, clearly.)
As Dayak proudly finishes the short account of her pupil, little Lotor speaks up: “All I do, I do in the name of Galra.” I found this little statement quite significant, especially in the context of his education. It comes to show how deep the Galra values are ingrained in his character. It is his pledge of allegiance, something that he must have repeated over and over along his school years. Repetitio est mater studiorum.
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It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see the innocent boy with big, amethyst eyes and a burning desire to connect to his family be coldly dismissed by his own father - an expressionless, emotionless parent who wants to remove his “impurities”, simply because the little boy desires to know more about his mixed race genealogy and he dares to “speak out of his place”. The dynamic between father and son is revelatory not only for the brutality with which the little boy is treated by his own family, but, in contrast, we also get to see the enthusiasm and positive energy exuding from little Lotor, who, despite his father’s lack of empathy and mercy, still holds hope that he can somehow reason with him.
Dayak’s last reply to Zarkon feels painful on many levels: “He will be punished accordingly. We will sear him down to his inner fire so that he may burn the universe.” Whether she wants it or not, Dayak’s crop must inflict pain, lest she loses her job and probably her life.
Let’s shortly bring into focus the apparently hilarious moments between Dayak and Hunk.
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The training is about pain, and what pain teaches an individual. “For the mind to learn, the body must be broken.” Palen-bol, meaning “the enlightening pain”, is the Galran way of learning. “The Galra believe combat is the searing light that burns imperfections of every level, from personal to societal.”
Now, imagine Lotor going through the “enlightening pain”, day by day, year after year, palen-bol after palen-bol. My smile upon seeing Hunk’s comedy soon fades away into a desolate expression. What Hunk basically learns is to contort himself into various unnatural poses, to avoid the painful whips of Dayak. When he finally gets it, she congratulates him: “very good”. In order to avoid the searing pain, he must find creative solutions out, solutions that are not always straight paths. Like a tree that grows distorted shapes in a hostile environment, so does one who lives in constant fear and pain.
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TEEN LOTOR
The next significant moment in Lotor’s evolution is somewhere during his early teenage years.
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Pay attention to certain verbal repetitions, as Lotor borrows from his father’s language. Also, the Kova scene leads to some interesting conclusions. I’m quoting the entire scene, for better understanding.
Officer: “Sire, your audience is requested in the Kandar wing.”
Lotor: “Father, may I accompany you?”
Zarkon: “You will stay here.”
Lotor: “But I want to join you. I have learned much of our—”
Zarkon: “You are an insolent boy. You may be the prince, but I am your emperor.”
Lotor silently yields, saluting solemnly, but casting a contemptuous look in his wake. After Zarkon has cleared the room, Lotor refocuses on Kova and instantly cheers up. As the boy is leaning over to pet the cat, Haggar suddenly speaks:
“Do not touch him. He will hurt you.”
With a sneer, the boy ignores her. After petting the cat, he asks: “What is his name?”
Haggar: “He has no name.”
Lotor: “Then I shall name it. Your name will be…”
Haggar: “Kova. His name is Kova.”
Lotor, giggling, watching Kova climb over his shoulders: “This creature pleases me. It will be mine.”
Haggar, attempting to protest: “My lord…”
Lotor: “You may be the high priestess, but I am your prince, and you will do as I say. Isn’t that right, Kova?”
Haggar acquiesces: “Yes, my lord.”
So, although years have passed since the scene with Dayak, Lotor is still speaking “out of his place”, which earns him the title of an “insolent boy”.
Despite (most likely) repeated physical punishments along the years, notice how his enthusiasm for life and learning new things is still there, brightly sparkling in his eyes, as he offers to go with his father at important meetings. He is jovial towards his father, as if expecting him to - one day - reciprocate that cordiality, perhaps? This little soul harbors a lot of love and forgiveness, that is for sure!
Despite Zarkon’s stony-hearted reaction towards him, he pouts only as an immediate reflex, but then he cheers himself up by petting Kova.
His impish pout and little frown behind his father’s back foreshadow a future scene - when Zarkon will return to the throne, sending Lotor away. A more refined smirk will cross his face as he’ll depart, hiding behind it a more complex scheme than a teenager’s little mischief, but that scene shall be discussed further when I’ll get to it.
This little detail in child-Lotor’s life is an interesting inflection point that shows us how he learns to conceal his inner thoughts and his ploys from Zarkon, and by extension, from the world (remember the comparison with a distorted tree?). We know that adult Lotor is a master at scheming behind people’s back, working from the shadows, hiding himself - something that even Haggar reproaches him: “You say you rule, yet you stay hidden.” It’s something that he learned over and over again as a kid.
“You may be the high priestess, but I am your prince…” Didn’t Zarkon just utter the same thing? “You may be a prince, but I am your emperor…” Little Lotor learns very fast, his mind is a sponge absorbing everything from his father. With this you can pretty much tell how in awe he still is with him, imitating his vocabulary and trying to emulate his demeanor. The attitude is there: he’s proud of what he’s learned so far, he’s self-confident, and begins to have leadership traits: “you will do as I say.” All he does, he does in the name of Galra…
As for the interaction with Kova, here’s how I see it:
When Haggar says, “Do not touch him. He will hurt you,” I believe the meaning is more than just “Kova will scratch you.” Since Kova and Haggar both are infected with the entity, what are the chances that Kova might possess the same potential of sucking out the life of other living beings?
So in this context, I think that witch Haggar presumes that the prince might get injured. She’s unaware that Kova will not cause him any harm, because… what do you know? Lotor also has a little entity; he was born with it. And Haggar has no clue.
The bond they will form for the next ten thousand years perhaps goes deeper than we think. We know from S8 that Haggar was able to get into the minds of her Altean followers, because she infected them with the entity. There is a telepathic communication that forms, and maybe Lotor and Kova form a similar… mental bond? I’m inclined to believe this theory for several reasons: 1) in S8, Honerva is able to find out Lotor’s location only after probing into Kova’s mind. 2) Narti was also mentally bonded with Kova, and she could see through the cat’s eyes (which stirs the question: did Narti have the entity as well?)
Deep breath.
Are you ready for one of the hardest scenes in VLD?
YOUNG ADULT LOTOR
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“Are you nervous?” asks Ven’tar.
Lotor replies with a confident, affected voice, looking up and proudly surveying the grand plaza, filled with thousands of people cheering him. “No, Ven’tar. This is my chance to finally make a difference. To show my father what we are capable of.”
Besides the fact that he nonchalantly displays his cat at the edge of his balcony, for the masses to see, notice the expression on his face, his eyebrows. He is pleased with himself, proud of his achievements, proud of the people in front of him.
What he says is also very significant, because it comes to show that Lotor, despite a lifetime of abuse and trauma from his father (and neglect from his mother), still believes there is good in him. He wants to “show” him what he’s capable of.
Oof. The need for validation. Why do people seek validation from others (especially from their family)? You guessed it: mainly because during their childhood, they did not receive enough praise or encouragement.
Overachievers are, oftentimes, love-seeking people who try to compensate for the lack of approval by trying to reach even higher goals, in the hopes of getting the love they need. In that note, here’s what Lotor tells his father:
“Our quintessence yields are some of the highest in the empire, and we’ve been more efficient than any other. By working alongside the denizens of this planet, like Ven’tar here, we’ve outsourced—”
“We’ve outpaced even the most generous projections.”
Poor Lotor!
The most horrific introduction into adulthood is about to drop. The hopeful, optimistic, love-seeking prince will see the true face of his father, and it is not a beautiful one.
We don’t know the details of Lotor’s relationship with Ven’tar, but from the fact that she addresses him without any royal titles, we can infer that they are at least friends. He loves the people of this planet, and he enjoys having her around him, so much so that he actually brings her with him to his father. Meet the parents?
Tragically, his father is utterly offended by Lotor’s introduction to such friends. “You dare work with this pitiful race as if they are your equals? […] The heir to the Galra throne should not sully our honor by working with his subjects!”
Yet Lotor has not learned his lesson yet. He raises his voice at him, like an outraged child that believes there is a way to reason with Zarkon.
Transactional Analysis psychology at its best, this scene provides us with a “game” between the critical, persecuting Parent ego and the rebellious Child ego. Enraged that things are not going his way, but hoping there is still a chance to shake his father from his insensitive state, Lotor takes it up a notch (in a game of “I’ll show him, he’ll see!”):
“It is the way my mother’s people would have done things.”
Lotor knows exactly how sensitive this subject is. All his childhood, he has been banned from researching anything about Honerva. Yet here he is, openly and rebelliously admitting it:
“You thought I couldn’t find out about my own mother? About her people? You thought you destroyed every remnant of Altea, but you cannot unless you destroy your own son as well!”
Lotor is now playing a very dangerous game. What he still does not realize is that his father’s reason is gone, his madness is pushed all the way to the dark side of the spectrum. He bargains with his own life, betting that Zarkon won’t harm him or his subjects. What’s worse, he unwittingly bets an entire planet against his self-assured comments (“unless you destroy your own son as well”). Actually, Zarkon will destroy him too, alongside Ven’tar’s planet. Not physically, but psychologically, he sure does.
“Enough!” Zarkon roars back at him.
Yes, enough, because it’s unbearable for Zarkon to even go there. The madness that clouds his mind has abolished any rational Adult from the picture. There is only the Tyrant, and he’s made up his mind.
“You are to crush this planet beneath your heel!”
The rebel child fights back: “Never!!”
Zarkon’s answer completely takes Lotor aback: “Then I will!”
Lotor is still in denial. The most cruel, dark, ugly face of his father is finally revealed to him and he cannot fathom it out. His father is truly capable of the most abominable acts.
Incredulity and desperation drips from his lips: “You wouldn’t. You can’t! Father, wait!”
Father, wait… Maybe, maybe he can fix this… Maybe he can soften his heart with one last plea, maybe he can twist himself one more time to his father’s will, if only he could to save his beloved planet:
“No, please do not do this, Father. Do not make these people suffer for my actions.”
The rebellious child shrinks into a penitent little being who bends to his abusive parent. How can he save them, now, in the last moment?
Alas… “It is already done.”
“I will do as you ask. The people will serve the Galra.” He will bend, he will bow to his father’s will, he will endure once more the whipping and palen-bols, he would do anything to save them! (Isn’t just this scene enough to reveal Lotor’s true character?) Utterly desperate, he runs after him, begging.
But we all know how it all went down...
Waking up to face the image of utter destruction, the fire outside reflects the scorching pain and horror inside him.
“You are hereby banished from the empire. Forced to live out the remainder of your days remembering your failure here.”
Indeed he will remember it for his entire life. After thousands of years, it will be his first and only confession to Allura, spoken, of all places, at Oriande, the most beautiful, celestial site in the universe.
“Have you nothing to say, witch? Surely even you can see the folly of your master’s actions,” utters Lotor through gnashing teeth, back at Haggar, who watches him impassively.
After a tragedy of this magnitude, I’m quite sure many would lose their mind. How did Lotor find the strength to go on after this? How did he preserve his sanity? Or maybe he actually… didn’t?
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We know a little bit about Lotor’s life in between this event and the first time we actually meet him, in S3E1, in the gladiator arena. From what he told Allura, after the harrowing event on Ven’tar’s planet, he spent the next few centuries searching for clues about his Altean heritage. We also assume it was within that time frame when he gathered the Alteans scattered across the corners of the empire, and brought them to the hidden colony in the Quantum Abyss.
But why his Altean heritage, you ask? He could have simply tried to find his inner peace in other ways… like, I don’t know, let’s say meditating, getting mental treatment, finding an occupation that would give him a different purpose. No, he spent centuries diving into the lost history of Altea, “another culture destroyed by Zarkon.” This was the only occupation that could give meaning and purpose to his life.
Why Altea?
Because it was the culture of his mother, whom he idolized. So much so that he defied his father’s interdictions and followed the Altean customs when ruling Ven’tar’s planet. So much so that when Allura dares to suggest that Haggar might be his mother, he snaps at her.
A child rejected by his father, mistreated, beaten, abused, tries to find refuge and comfort at the bosom of his… mother.
After Zarkon destroyed his heart, Lotor ran straight into the arms of Mother Altea. I believe that as much as the lost Alteans needed him to provide them a safe refuge, he needed them even more. He needed them as a child would need a mother to turn to, a safe place where he could heal his wounds.
I think herein lies the key to understanding Lotor’s mental trajectory and giving a true meaning to his mental breakdown and to the words he utters during the S6 tragic events, as I’ll discuss when we’ll arrive there.
Take a few deep breaths. Stretch your legs.
ADULT LOTOR BEFORE ALLYING WITH VOLTRON
Let’s see what he’s up to, thousands of years after all is said and done, during the new Paladins’ era. Haggar summons him to return as pro tem, and we first meet him in the gladiator arena.
We learn a bit about him from the little gossip murmured between Throk and his crony, watching the show. The “exiled brat”, how they call him, likes to “fight alongside his enlisted men, like a lowly private.”
“Worse than that, his top generals aren’t even pure Galra. They’re half-breeds at best. He has no honor,” Throk continues.
“Some say he allows the planets he conquers to continue to rule themselves. Can you imagine?”
“Clearly he’s a dangerous lunatic.”
This is the general atmosphere in which Lotor enters as emperor pro-tem, but now we know what kind of “lunatic” we are meeting.
His combat skills show his great talent for evasive maneuvers, using the opponent’s size to his advantage. He has adapted perfectly to the hostile environment in which he grew up. Like Hunk learned to avoid Dayak’s stinging crop, Lotor masters the art of evasive maneuvers to the tiniest detail. He easily defeats the big guy, then, with a theatrical gesture, reveals Throk’s hidden agenda to the public (courtesy of Ezor spying around - so we also know he’s got some good tactics to stay ahead of the game).
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During his fight with Throk, Lotor makes some interesting remarks:
“You have flawless technique, that I’ll grant you. Still, you must realize at some point, that your repetitive attacks are getting you nowhere.”
“Your tactics are stale. And in the end, your own aggression is your undoing.”
The easy win that Throk provides, along with the dramatic effect it has for the audience, gives Lotor the perfect opportunity to win the public’s heart, by sparing Throk’s life. A novel approach.
“My father built our Empire on the bones of his enemies. But the time has come to change the old ways, and inspire not fear from those we rule, but loyalty. We must not waste our energy fighting to keep our subjects down, but rather multiply it, by allowing those worthy to rise and join our ranks. The Universe can no longer doubt our strength. Each ally gained only makes us stronger, while those who continue to stand against us… will be crushed.”
Wise words of a visionary man with a progressive agenda, he seeks to dislodge the old ways of the regime.
“The masses are easily manipulated,” he tells his generals as he returns victorious. “Have Throk transferred out to the Ulippa system immediately. Let him rot with the ice worms,” he beams a wicked smile.
So where’s the “each ally gained makes us stronger” promise?
Well, Lotor is intelligent enough to weigh the quality of his so-called “allies”. Would Throk really be someone “worthy to rise and join his ranks”, after he just plotted against him? There is a Latin proverb - “viperam sub ala nutricare”, or “to nurse a viper under your wing” - a caveat that you may not want to keep vipers too close to you. And Lotor’s survival instinct keeps him far away from such vipers. Actually, he is constantly on the watch for vipers - a trait that I shall repeatedly point out, because it reveals his paranoid tendencies, born of his turbulent and traumatic past.
From this episode we learn that he is a calculated man, who sends spies ahead of him to assess the territory, who knows how to win the public’s heart through inspiring speeches and amazing warrior skills, and who has a keen eye for discerning friends from foes. Bottomline: a very guarded man. Does he seem duplicitous and a bit suspicious? He sure does, but does he really hide evil intents? As a first-time watcher of the show, that would be the instinct. But reading the story backwards - meaning, starting in the true chronological order, from his childhood - we begin to comprehend the true reasons behind his exploits.
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The following episodes reveal his brilliant tactics (of course, he practiced since he was a kid):
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He easily lures the Paladins into multiple traps (Planet Puig, Thayserix), manipulating the battles in order to learn more about his opponents, all while enjoying himself. Not even looking to take them down, he simply wants to test their aptitudes and capture them if possible.
Ignoring his more impetuous generals, he knows when to retreat. “A leader must know when to leave the field of battle.” Something that Keith, as the new leader of Voltron, learns just now, for the first time. In many ways, the Paladins are learning new things via Lotor, and they’ll continue to learn from him throughout the seasons. As the EP’s also mentioned in multiple interviews, at their core, Lotor’s intentions are good, but his methods are not always as clean as Voltron may desire. He is operating not only from how he was raised, but also from the experience of his traumas, and we are given plenty of examples throughout the following seasons.
Lotor learns form every occasion, turning it to his advantage. The fact that the Lions can still form Voltron is “an opportunity”, which he fully wields, in S3E4 “Hole in the Sky”. Another trap for the Paladins, he effectively uses them to ‘pull his chestnuts out of the fire’. As he states, “If Voltron disappears from our world, then we win. If they make it out with the comet, we’ll take it from them. It’s a win either way.” Put that against his more tame clarification given to the Paladins, and you can see why it’s really a gray area where this man actually operates: “I’m afraid I had to be a bit duplicitous in effecting its retrieval. […] It was a calculated risk, I admit that. But I knew they’d come through without a scratch.” The high purpose he pursues (entering the rift) is worth the risks and the prices he’s willing to pay.
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In S3E5 “The Journey”, we learn something extremely valuable about him - how he has trained himself to be on constant alert about spies (remember the vipers mentioned earlier?). Swiftly apprehending general Raht, Haggar’s assigned secret agent, he decides to pay the witch a visit and confront her directly.
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Haggar makes no gesture to deny the allegations, rather twisting the knife in his wound: “I know many ideas float through your head, just like your father, but the Galra Empire needs your leadership in these troubling times.” It almost resembles a domestic scene (I honestly chuckled), as if without realizing it, Haggar talks to him like a mother scolding her child. I find his reply equally entertaining (yet tragic), even his expression taking after that of a child desperately trying to rebel against his family: “I am the leader, but I am not my father!” It won’t be the first time when Haggar reproaches him that he’s not getting involved in imperial matters, only hiding in the shadows. That is his modus operandi - and we’re just beginning to understand why.
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The next episode, “Tailing a Comet” holds some keys about what Lotor is up to, but also carries some mysteries which have not been unlocked to this day. We learn that he already used some of the comet ore to manufacture a ship, but we also learn that he attacks a Galra base, in order to retrieve a teludav lens. Again, he’s operating from the shadows. As Pidge rightfully points out… “I thought Lotor took over for Zarkon. Why is he attacking a Galra base?” Because - Haggar, that’s why. We know she’s tailing him constantly and she is the last person in the universe that he’d team up with. In fact, if I get to think of it, Haggar stalking Lotor is the underlying thread of the entire show.
But what of the teludav lens? Clearly, a link must exist between that and the fact that Acxa was sent to retrieve scaultrite from the belly of the weblum, where Keith found her in the first place. Allura rightfully infers that an Altean must be employed to operate it, but she guesses Haggar wrong. Yes, Haggar is Altean, as Allura discovered in direct combat with her, but it’s clear that Lotor does not want anything to do with the witch.
That leaves us with only one alternative: someone in his hidden Altean colony. (Lotor himself seems to not possess Altean alchemy powers to operate a teludav, at least none that we’ve seen). This loose thread has never been elucidated. To spread even more mystery around Lotor’s aura, even his generals have no clue about the true purpose of all these shenanigans. As Shiro says, “something strange is going on here, and we need to figure it out.” Um, actually, we never fully figured it out, courtesy of the garfle-warfled S8.
I found an interesting parallel, and again, a lesson that Keith indirectly learns from his interaction with Lotor: the advice that Shiro gives Keith at the end of this episode: “You need to pick your battles. Sometimes you have to make hard choices.” Similarly, every choice that Lotor makes throughout his life is a battle he has to pick - behind Haggar’s back, as we learn right at the end of this episode, when the witch attempts to pry relevant memories about the teludav theft out of Throk’s mind, while Lotor eavesdrops, behind the corner.
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In S4E3 “Black Site” we get a multitude of new details about Lotor’s relationship with his family. When he is called to the imperial court to have his pro tem title dissolved, the first person he encounters as the doors hiss open is Haggar. For a very short moment, Lotor looks startled, and he casts a glance at the witch. Premonition?
As Lotor relinquishes imperial reigns back to his father, the interaction gives a quite fascinating subject of analysis. Lotor is no longer the naive youngling; he has completely abandoned the sincere vocabulary, instead glib words rolling off his tongue. He knows very well that Zarkon and him are never going to see eye to eye, but he did not come there to seek a fight. He’s not (yet) powerful enough to take him down, so the smooth-tongued approach has to be the way. He theatrically attempts an ingratiating offer to stay by Zarkon’s side and “learn” from him, knowing full-well that it will never happen. As expected, Zarkon dismisses him disdainfully.
And here’s the smirk I was talking about earlier:
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It’s a rehearsed attitude, it’s the grown-up Lotor, like the tree grown under harsh weather, the prince whose childhood innocence and optimism have been replaced by a cynical, calculated demeanor, carrying out ploys behind his father’s back because the front door was closed a long time ago.
What a confident smirk.
He worked for so long on this plan.
He’s getting closer and closer to achieving his dream. He snatched the comet ore and he’s making his own Voltron. Soon he will be able to enter the rift and get as much quintessence as he needs, for his grand plans.
Unfortunately, his confidence becomes his blindspot, as Haggar taps into the mind connection with Kova.
The sad irony is that he thinks he has Haggar all sorted out, when, upon his departure, he runs a thorough scan of his ship for trackers. The scene screams “paranoia”, except this paranoia is indubitably justified. When you’ve been stalked for millennia by a family who seeks to destroy you, all your senses are sharpened, survival instinct ready to spring in action at any second, adrenalin ready to kick in.
Killing Narti, a huge blow for the team, does not ensue as a mindless knee-jerk reaction. It is a hard choice he makes, for their own survival. He learned throughout his life to decide on the run, and you can see it on his face that he takes no pleasure in killing. Narti falls victim, just like he later admits that he had to sacrifice a few Alteans to preserve the future for millions.
We do not know the circumstances in which he had to sacrifice “the few”, but if they resemble in any way the tough spot he found himself when slaying Narti, we begin to see the trail of tragedies that haunt his life.
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In S4, Ep3&5 we witness the growing mistrust of the generals towards Lotor. Ezor tells Acxa: “What about Narti? She trusted him. You saw where that got her.”
Notice that Lotor didn’t share some essential knowledge with his generals. The reason why he slayed Narti was because of the connection with Haggar via the entity inside Kova.
I believe none of the generals (except maybe Narti?) knows about the entity, his Quantum Abyss colony and his secret team building the inter-reality gate, based on their behavior along the show. Yes, Acxa might have a stronger loyalty, switching back to siding with him just from a few glance exchanges, but eventually she also renounces him.
In S8E5 “The Grudge”, Acxa explains to her friends in the gym room that “…we had to abandon the animal [Kova] on our destroyed ship so we could escape without being tracked.” This simply implies that she knew about Haggar controlling the cat, but not exactly how she controls the cat.
The rift gate scene also proves that Lotor runs secret operations that he obscures even from his generals (NB: when he deems appropriate, he discloses them). This is his dynamic way of existence: juggling with secrets among people who put their trust in him, in order to protect himself and those dear to him from his corrupt family. The trauma that he endures for millennia force him into wearing these many masks.
After his attempt to enter the rift between realities fails, his generals betray him. Most likely not the first time when people double-crossed him. The difference is that stakes are getting higher and higher, now that he has his own comet ore ships, and will continue to get higher as he’ll discover Oriande, all the more reasons for him to be extremely cautious.
But he’s used to traitors. As a matter of fact, when he wakes up, he says, with a bitter expression, “You plan to give me up. I understand, Zethrid. You do what you must, and I’ll do what I must.” This scene also foreshadows the larger breach of trust, between him and the Voltron team in S6.
Is he justified in keeping secrets from his team? Hell yes. The risk of losing Altea is so great that he has to.
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When Lotor flies too close to the sun (literally), his comet ore ship proves to be more resilient than Zarkon’s cruisers. As he dives deeper into the plasma, his expression - of desperate survival, of hate against his assailants - borders madness, resembling his turn in S6
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Trauma and disintegration of his social connections, two major factors in describing a madness arc, converge right in this chapter.
If trauma from the past is not enough, being hunted by his own father is another straw atop the camel’s back. Not the last one, though. Not yet. More potent factors need to converge, to throw him off the cliff, as we’ll see.
By witnessing him completely alone, we also get a glimpse into his true character.
The moment he learns about the imminent explosion of the Naxzela planet, Lotor heads right into the heart of danger. Why would someone who, all this life, fought for his own survival, fly directly into the range of a galactic ticking bomb?
Because this is how we learn who he truly is. Alone, no external influence or circumstance, no pretend smiles or smirks behind one’s back, he takes decisions based on his true moral compass. If he were the monster the story would seemingly lead us to believe in S6 and beyond, he’d run to cover his own skin. Instead, the worry across his expression reveals just that: genuine concern.
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The same genuine concern sits atop his brows as he enters the battle scene, effectively disabling Haggar’s weapon. Finally, after a long string of tragic mishaps, he secures a win. A win which he wittily and swiftly takes advantage of: “Attention, Paladins of Voltron and rebel fighters, I know we’ve had our differences in the past, but… I think it is time we had a discussion.”
BECOMING VOLTRON’S FRIEND
With S5 come Lotor’s brightest and most glorious moments, and along with them, the complexity of his character further augments.
Before I begin, I can’t help posting a side-by-side Loki-Lotor screencap, because Lotor’s prison cell screams the same design concept and I love it, for many reasons.
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Also, let’s not forget this sassy first portrait of Lotor as he begins his adventure alongside the Paladins:
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His discussions with Allura and the Paladins while serving prison time in the castle provide us with new details about him, but also lead the viewer into a skewed picture of the events.
#LotorWasFramed, shared by many on social media at the time of S6 and beyond, including by some of the VLD cast members, hints precisely at this skewed view of Lotor:
Allura says to her friends, in S5E1 “The Prisoner”, “I’m still not comfortable with this. It just doesn’t feel right.”
Later in the episode, she reiterates, “I can’t stop thinking that we might be an unwitting part of a much larger ulterior motive.”
Yes, her intuition is right, there is a much larger ulterior motive, but what is the ulterior motive? Is it truly an evil plot?
Well, take Allura’s final words about Lotor, in S8E13 and there you have it, canon-compliant: “Lotor may have been misguided, but ultimately, he wanted to preserve life. Honor your son...”
Highly frowned upon by fans as a meager redemption, truly lacking the complexity that should have reflected the richness of his character, it is, nevertheless, an exoneration, stating in clear that his ultimate goal was to preserve life - and to be more precise, Altean life, the Altean colony. We have to honor his work, because, ultimately, even though his methods didn’t feel right to Allura, even if his methods obscured ulterior motives, those motives were righteous. And Allura’s final statement is canon - one cannot deny that. The end justified the means - it truly fits into how he operated, and we can see why he had to operate that way - not only because he didn’t know of another method, but because the social and political circumstances forced him to.
So, armed with this information, we begin to see how his “ulterior motive” is plotted. He reveals to the Voltron team that his goal is to enter the rift to get quintessence, to flood the empire with a fuel currently deemed a luxury, to effectively “drop the price of oil”. A paradigm shift, a new dawn for the old empire. No more need for blood in order to obtain quintessence. A peaceful era for everyone. And he doesn’t lie. This is his intention. But not a complete picture of it.
What he doesn’t reveal is his precious Altean colony, the one that he hopes to finally be able to release from hiding, once peace has been established within the empire. In a future dialogue, he will state precisely that: “I’ve dedicated my life to preserving Altean culture. Now that we’ve unlocked the quintessence field, all of your people, who would have been hunted long ago, had it not been for my intervention, can live in peace.” Can we blame him for not revealing this to the team? Absolutely not. Knowing that Haggar can plant spies in the most inconspicuous locations, Lotor is constantly on the watch, protecting at all cost what is dearest to him - Mother Altea. And wasn’t he right? There was a mole in the Voltron team: Shiro’s clone.
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Returning to the scenes with imprisoned Lotor, let’s tap into some subtle psychological hints at his traumatic past.
When Allura calls him “the leader of the most bloodthirsty race of murderers this universe has ever known,” his reply does not arrive in anger, but with a surprisingly calm and pacifying tone, as he continues to sit down: “Can people not change? Is it so hard to believe that I wish to return the Galra empire to a bygone era of peace?” This is not the first time his mixed lineage has been the subject of spiteful remarks. For ten thousand years, he must have constantly heard the “half-breed” denigratory comments. Why would an Altean comment about his Galran blood strike him differently? He surely has grown thick skin by now.
But if these words don’t pierce the thick skin, this comment surely does: “Sounds like you are your father’s son,” says Allura with enmity, after he explains that his sole purpose has been to enter the rift.
This. This hurts. His weak spot. To have him compared with the tyrant who terrorized him for his entire life, what a blasphemy! He snapped at Haggar when she dared utter such words, and he snaps again now.
He stands up, aggravation in his expression, tone raised at Allura, attacking her with a similar family comparison: “It was your father who led the scientific exploration that discovered quintessence. An exploration, I might add, that resulted in the creation of Voltron. This isn’t a zero-sum game. Meeting the needs of the Galra empire means bringing peace to the universe. That is the future enlightenment brings us, one of prosperity for all. […] All I ask is to be judged by my actions, rather than your preconceptions of my race. If that is beyond you, then perhaps you should just finish me and get it over with. Clearly, Princess, you are not ready to end this war.”
This is obviously a subject of deep pain for him, and we don’t need any clarification as to why.
How painful?
World-shattering painful.
Maddeningly hurtful.
At this point Allura is someone he just met. He takes it personally when she compares him with Zarkon. What will happen when he’ll fall in love with her and then she’ll… revisit the same comparison?
Let’s refocus on his conversations with Allura and the Paladins:
Notice how skilled he is in dodging their questions regarding his ploys.
He admits to being “a bit duplicitous”, framing it as a means to a higher purpose - which is not a lie.
He’s not afraid to defend his political beliefs, and even fight back, ending his speech with a comment that emphasizes the maturity of his agenda, while pointing out her inexperience: “Clearly, Princess, you are not ready to end this war.” He does have a ten thousand year advantage over her, that’s a fact. (I also found it quite amusing that the very next scene depicts Allura being nervous about her lines when addressing the Coalition, while Lance advises her to… jot notes down on her palm, because… he does it all the time. Talk about inexperience!)
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While the plot revolving around saving Commander Holt still holds a degree of uncertainty whether Lotor and Acxa were working together, it does seem plausible that Acxa acted in line with his interests, offering Holt to Zarkon, so that Lotor could have his one-on-one battle with his father.
Lotor attempting to convince the Paladins not to hand him over to Zarkon shows once more his tactical skills. He plants the idea of a “royal alliance” into Allura’s head (to Lance’s vocal dismay), and, perhaps due to his attraction to her, or simply as an intent to charm her, he goes as far as saying “You and I”. There is clearly chemistry between them from the start, and it’s savory to watch it unfold. Even as enemies, Allura watches him speak with mesmerized attention, absorbing his every word, and I believe it does not go unnoticed by him, which explains why he brings his focus on the unity aspect, stroking her ego with comments about their parents’ glorious past. His speech is so convincing that Allura already ponders on the “royal alliance” possibility.
The fight between Zarkon and his son is another source of precious details about Lotor. Now is the time for Lotor to speak his mind. When Zarkon calls him “weak” and “darkest shame”, Lotor doesn’t flinch. He’s grown thick skin for such insults. No longer the helpless child, Lotor sees the corrupt Zarkon exactly for who he is, and in this final moment between them, he points out all his weaknesses, especially his obsession for getting back the Black Lion.
The fight, spectacular (and magnificently rendered through animation), displays Lotor’s talent in evading direct blows and his keen eye for his opponent’s weak spots.
I found it so significant that Lotor kills his father not with a bayard, not with a sword, but with a shard of metal lying around on the ground. His desperate yell - “No!” - seeing as Zarkon points his deadly weapon at the Lions, proves once more his genuine concern for the Paladins. He kills his father to protect his allies.
His immediate facial expression is not of joy, not of jubilation, but of deep grief. I’m reiterating this: he does not take pleasure in killing, even his worst enemies. A positive trait that seems to contradict his portrayal after S6, which ties back to the #LotorWasFramed point that I made earlier.
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The symbolism of the post-battle imagery conveys the suffering on his expression. As the light, emblematic of the new era that is to come for Lotor, crosses his face, we see the traumatic burden of his past, a burden he carries forward. Even if he killed his own father, the act itself does not erase the multi-millennial painful past.
And we continue to see that trauma etched into his expression on many occasions, including this scene, in the “Postmortem” episode.
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When Allura asks him, “Are you alright?” his dry answer reflects the emptiness inside him, “I’ll be fine.” Someone who wants to bury their pain would resort to similar affirmations. I’m fine. Or… Everything is fine. Or… I’ll be fine.
No, sir, you’re not fine, you won’t be fine until you address that deep level of trauma.
Instead, Lotor pushes forward, because his work is not done. In fact, he’s just beginning.
First, he must take the throne as legitimate emperor.
Then, all his attention will focus on finding a way to obtain quintessence from the rift.
And lastly, his dream of freeing Altea would come to life.
Only after that, he can, maybe, maybe, relax (does an emperor of such a vast and violent empire ever relax?).
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So let’s begin with Kral Zera. Firstly, Lotor has to convince the Paladins to fly him into the danger zone, and the only one who stands by his side is Shiro, whose tactical experience aligns with his. The tension that ensues among the Paladins makes Shiro walk out of the room, while Lotor casts a regretful look in his trail. He clearly doesn’t enjoy being a source of discord among the Paladins.
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So here it is: his genuine desire for peace and amity. Which lines up with his statements about bringing peace to the empire. And we see it once more as he comments about the Galra forces fighting amongst each other at Kral Zera: “This is exactly what I wanted to avoid. I knew they would all turn on each other.”
This is the true Lotor, underneath the many layers and facades he wears around everyone.
But he is also the wily prince who sneaks out of the castle behind Allura’s back, along with Shiro and the Black Lion. Also, the way he spins the narrative in front of the Galra, boasting about returning the Black Lion to the empire? Genius.
When Haggar insults him about his Altean lineage, he dismisses her with a few words, but we can see the aggravation in his narrowing eyes. Drop by drop, all these upsets and tribulations add up to his already heavy mental anguish that he carried across the eons.
The clash between him and Sendak puts emphasis once more on his fearlessness and deft swordsmanship.
The lighting of the flame carries a solemn, uplifting, yet tragic air to it.
He ascends the battered, collapsing steps of the Kral Zera, perhaps the steps of his destiny, while explosions flare up the skies. He takes the throne of an empire in complete disarray. While he lights the flame, he harbors a stark, but also angry expression, because… why should he be joyful? He’s taking reign over a civilization that has perpetuated his traumas for so long.
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S5E5 “Bloodlines” provides a respite from all the anguish we’ve seen so far. He spends time with Allura, searching for Altean clues in Haggar’s lair, and we see the growing attraction between them bloom.
But watch for hints about his past traumas.
When Allura discovers that he is half-Altean, we get Lotor’s direct depiction of his status in the eyes of Galra, as well as his self-confidence in regards to his mixed genes: “It was something the Galra considered a weakness, but I considered it a strength.”
Also, his next words reveal his deep admiration for his mother. He venerates her, and he adores the Altean culture. As much as I want to emphasize the level of trauma that this man has gone through, I also want to bring under spotlight his awe for the mother he never knew, and by extension, of the entire Altean race. Pay attention: “The union between Zarkon and Honerva sparked a technological revolution within the empire. Even back then, Altean culture was remarkably advanced. The kinds of experiments she was conducting… she advanced science by eons.”
Something that always caught my eye was Honerva’s science log itself. Lotor scrolls through her research and we can clearly see the comet ore in one of them, a sphere in another and… the entity inside the tube in a third slider. It’s clearly the entity, compare it with the original image from S3E7:
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The fact that Lotor casts a long look at the slides makes me think that he might be aware of the entity. Perhaps this science log will make him understand even more about it?
When Lotor makes a few comments, frowning while inspecting his mother’s science logs, we conclude a few aspects about him and his mother. “By the end of these logs, it’s like they’re written by a different person. She’s frantic, paranoid, erratic. Her reason and intellect are gone, replaced by fear and paranoia.”
This confirms exactly what happened to Honerva (and foreshadows what will happen to him as well). Due to her obsession for power and knowledge and enhanced by excessive quintessence demanded by the entity inside her, Honerva lost her reason, became… a different person. Does that not resonate with how Lotor underwent an apparent abrupt change in S6? The comparison might come across as superficial, but I promise I’ll go deeper when discussing the S6 scenes.
Also, this reveals a much deeper truth about Lotor. He is in denial about what happened to his mother. Pay attention to the scene where Allura suggests that Honerva might have turned into Haggar.
“That witch is not my mother!” snaps Lotor, taking Allura by surprise. Not only he raises his voice at the princess, but he instantly turns his back on her, leading to an awkward moment. I found this instance extremely telling. Suggesting to Lotor that his mother turned into a witch?? Unconceivable!
I’m reiterating this: he ADORES his mother, and he adores Altea. He wants to protect his mother’s image as much as he wants to protect his Altean colony, at all cost. Even if that means keeping the colony a secret from Allura - the princess of ancient Altea - who slowly conquers his heart. Was there a conflict inside him about this? I’m absolutely sure there was.
Another relevant aspect about Lotor is that he’s an Altean culture nerd. Especially the alchemy part. He’s been hunting high and low for Oriande, because his sharp intelligence guided him in the right direction. And with a bit of persistence, he guides Allura in the right direction, too. Together, they unlock the compass stone, and, despite the Paladins’ and Coran’s doubts, Lotor convinces them to “navigate by cave poetry”, eventually discovering Oriande.
—————————————
Lotor has Altean marks? The Marks of the Chosen, no less. I love the attention to the shape of the marks, too. Uncorrupted Alteans display half-moon marks, while Haggar’s look completely distorted, like scars dragging across her face. In between them is… Lotor. His marks are neither half-moons, nor disfigured shapes. Daywalker?
In any case, the fact that he is accepted in the realm of Oriande clearly means that he has potential for alchemic powers.
Even in the celestial beauty of such a place, his mind flies into dark corners, recalling the destruction of Ven’tar’s planet. This should tell you how deep his wounds go, and how desperately they need healing. With such unspeakable beauty around him, his miserable expression only underscores the level of internal trauma.
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“You know, I envy you growing up with King Alfor. I always wanted to be an explorer and learn about the universe. My father was only interested in conquering it. He once put me in charge of a planet for a year, running the quintessence mining and getting to know the local population. Rather than employ the usual Galran methods of subjugation, I worked alongside the leadership of the planet, learning their customs. We would only extract as much quintessence as could be replenished. And I enjoyed my time there quite a bit. When my father found out what was happening, he ordered me to destroy the planet. I refused, and he sent me away.”
“At least you stood up for those people,” replies Allura.
“He destroyed them all. I was powerless to stop him. I spent the following centuries searching for clues about my Altean heritage, another culture destroyed by Zarkon.”
“I’m glad you’re here to help me now. I never would’ve gotten here without you,” Allura smiles back.
Notice how Allura brings lightheartedness into the conversation, always aiming his attention to the full side of the glass. When he turns around to face her, this is one of his most iconic, beautiful, gentle, hopeful, yet heartbreaking expression in the entire series:
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Allura infuses him with optimism, like no one else did before. She is the soothing salve over his old wounds, arriving into his life to open up a bright future. Oriande awaits them, the future awaits them. Hope and love bloom in his heart, and you can read it on his face, overlayed with the fatigue lines etched under his eyes. I know I’ve said this before, but I’m absolutely in love with Studio Mir’s clean drawing style, yet capable of rendering a vast array of emotions with just a few pen strokes.
Inside the pyramid, Lotor makes a few remarks, which reflect his curiosity but also his relative lack of instincts about what to do next. He relies on logic and educated guesses.
“The mysteries we seek are hidden somewhere deep inside.”
“We may yet to prove that we’re worthy to be here.”
“There must be a clue. Something a trained Altean would recognize.”
Similarly, when the Sages attack, his training guides him to apply known and well-rehearsed battle tactics - he’s ducking away from their spears. Allura has the presence of mind to pull out the compass stone, addressing them reverently, and Lotor - behind her - instantly mimics her gestures. Yes, he’s a fast learner, but it’s a bit too late for learning. The trial time is near.
The trial itself provides us with a head-to-head comparison between his tactics and Allura’s. They each apply themselves according to their upbringing, and therein lies the tragedy of his failure.
When he finds himself alone in the celestial domain, what do we see first, glowing in his enlarged eyes?
Fear.
He gasps as he opens his eyes, looks around warily, then calls for her, “Allura?” Without her, he is insecure, because he is not prepared for this; it’s a kind of trial he’d never attended before. (He aced the Galran Agotian trials, yet he clearly struggles here).
Of course calling out for her suggests he might also be worried about her, but I believe - from the hints given so far from their adventure inside the pyramid - that he is genuinely lacking confidence. He even stated so, as they began their journey: “None of my research or travels have prepared me for this. From here, we are on our own.”
And what do Galrans do when faced with their own fears?
Victory or death.
“I will never yield! I will gain your secrets!”
Here, I read pride, anger, determination, unwillingness to give in.
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He doesn’t even consider another method; the emotional domino of fear-aggression is ingrained into who he is, from a young age. And in the end… his own aggression is his undoing.
If you take a look at Allura’s demeanor, she does not gasp in fear as she takes in her surroundings. She does not call for Lotor.
“I do not wish to fight. I come here seeking knowledge,” she addresses the White Lion.
“What can I do?” she continues, humbly.
“No. This isn’t the way. I seek the secret of life. I give my own.”
Notice the requirements of an Altean trial:
humbleness in the face of unknown;
non-aggression;
willingness for self-sacrifice.
Lotor, unfortunately, does not display any of these.
In the meditation practice, there is one particular method that helps ease anxiety, worries and fear of unknown. It involves staying with your own emotions, allowing them to unfold, simply noticing and embracing them. Fear becomes a friend which does not need to be battled, but acknowledged.
What Allura did was to basically embrace her fear of the White Lion, to allow the fear to manifest, and in doing so, she conquered it.
Conversely, by fighting with your own emotions, you only prolong your agony.
When the Life Giver tells Allura, “You are home, and the secret is already within you,” we finally understand why Allura passed this trial, and why Lotor failed. If the secret is already within her, she instinctively directs her actions according to the ancient practices and wisdom of Altea, where she grew up. At Oriande she is home.
On the other hand, Lotor is hard-wired into the victory or death philosophy, which guides fear in the opposite direction, that of aggression. At this time, Oriande is not his home, unfortunately. He yells, “No. No!” realizing his failure. It’s a cry of desperation, he’s angry with himself for his defeat.
It’s ironic though: he knows that aggression is not the way, yet he himself cannot overcome it. It’s also paradoxical, because he is searching for ways to bring peace to the universe. He preaches peace and prosperity, but he lacks the deeper understanding of how to fully achieve it. Living in such a hostile environment for millennia, we cannot but recognize that this is the way the environment shaped him. Nature versus nurture, exactly the words of one of the EP’s. Also, from the same interview: “It was a very bad hand. That deck was stacked against him in every way in his upbringing. If he had this amazing accepting family that Allura had, he probably would have been a magnificent person. He had to live his life the only way he could, and a lot of that was through manipulation and doing things the only way he could get them done. It’s tragic.” (Source: Den of Geek - The Ultimate Downfall of Lotor, June 28, 2018 - link in comments)
Despite his defeat, I found it admirable that he does not bear jealousy on Allura, honestly acknowledging her magical powers: “You are a true Altean alchemist. Oriande was for you, not for me.”
One thing I’m wondering though: did Lotor ever learn anything from his defeat? He is a fast learner, so how did he internalize this event? I’m sure Allura recounted to him how she came to pass the trial, so did he ever put the pieces together, to figure out where he went wrong?
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After Oriande, Season 6 warms us up to his character even more. The encounter with Dayak in S6E1 provides us with precious comic moments that further humanize his character. Suddenly, he is not the stiff emperor with a royal demeanor and parlance, but the teenager who’s embarrassed about his mom, while trying to look cool around his buddies, which subsequently suggests that he cares about his relationship with the Paladins, also proven by the way he introduces them to Dayak: “These are my colleagues. They have more than my permission to speak.”
In addition, their dynamic gives us a moment to ponder on the type of Galran education he received. Now that we are fresh from the Oriande experience, learning how Lotor grew up - under the constant threat of the whipping pain - provides a better perspective into the kind of cards life handed him.
In the same time, let’s not vilify all his upbringing. As a prince, Dayak offered him the highest kind of education one could receive: “The history of our conquests, our customs, battle philosophy, the art of war.” Yes, they are all veered towards war-related matters, but those are subjects of vital importance to any nation, even in times of peace. The end of S8 will have Allura basically learn to navigate this dark side, guided by ghost!Lotor and the entity. As much as Lotor needs to learn from Allura, she also needs to understand and absorb his wisdom.
If one needs a summary of Lotor’s past, find it right within Lotor’s speech, broadcast across his empire: “Slayer of a tyrant, child raised in the void and taught on the battlefield.”
From the conversation between Lt. Lahn and Commander Bogh, it’s clear that Lotor’s dream of peace is too abstract for his subjects. There are prejudices against him that are hard to tame. Lotor is well aware of them; even his empyreal address reflects this issue.
But one particular conversation raised a red flag to me. At the news of Sendak’s attack on a mining planet, the Paladins offer their immediate assistance. Lotor says, “Sendak would have me respond to his attack and neglect my empire.”
Allura replies with determination, “Voltron can handle this, while you continue to rule.”
Lotor insists, “But Princess, I need you here. Without you—”
“Your plan has waited this long. It can wait a tick longer. We must protect your innocent subjects,” says Allura.
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“Of course. You’re right,” Lotor acquiesces in Allura’s decision.
This, right here, introduces a major hint at a future reveal. Is Lotor going to allow an entire mining colony to perish under Sendak’s attack? (“sacrifice a few…” - rings any bell?) When Allura emphasizes “innocent subjects”, I read frustration, impatience… and something more on his expression. He’s obviously annoyed that his plans are being delayed. As he told Allura, “it is paramount” that they focus all their energy on infusing his ships with alchemy. He’s getting so close to his dream, and now Sendak comes to derail him.
This askance look suggests he is hiding something. And we read a conflict within him, in the way he presses his eyelids closed under a slight frown, then reopens them into a forced-amiable expression.
There are many ways to interpret his internal conflict:
which innocent subjects should he focus on first? The Alteans - his most precious people - with whom he hasn’t been in contact for a while, or the mining colony attacked by Sendak? What if the Altean colony is in danger of peril as well, and he’s tied up with empyreal matters?
maybe he is simply embarrassed that he let a “little” mischief slip past his mask? He’s never been put in a situation like this, working alongside honest, compassionate people, who care for the lives of others. Not that he doesn’t care overall - on the contrary, all he does is because he desperately wants to pacify the empire and ultimately free his Altean colony, but the way he goes about it requires cutting some… corners; translation - sacrifices.
maybe time is of essence; perhaps he knows things we don’t know about his colonies (there are many unresolved things about the Altean colony plot, so here I can only speculate).
all of the above?
In any case, this little detail adds an extra tint of gray to his character.
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S6E2 and E3 elevate the relationship between Lotor and Allura to a level of trust and fondness for each other that we haven’t seen them develop for others. Lotor genuinely loves Allura, something confirmed in interviews with EP’s. He is not simply using her for his secret agenda. What is blooming between them is real, and you can see it in the way he behaves around her, the gentle hand touches, the almost-kiss interrupted by the Paladins, their discussions while working on his ships, his excitement to share the “grand news” about the progress he makes on his Sincline. Allura is beginning to be the soul-healer of his past traumas; his optimism is soaring. He is able to relax more around her, as he truly trusts her.
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S6E4 (“The Colony”) begins with Lotor, facing his Sincline ship, ready for the trip to the rift, telling Allura: “I’ve waited an eternity for this. […] It means so much to me to share this with you.”
The moment of his life. He’s waited for this for thousands of years. Thousands. Not decades, not centuries. The anticipation, the emotion, it must be like nothing he ever felt.
I loved the reference to the DotU little technical terms, as they prepare for the trip of a lifetime: “Infracells up. Dynotherms connected. Mega-thrusters are go.” It gives their relationship even more meaning and legitimacy in the audience’s eyes.
Pay attention to the comments the Paladins make, as Lotor and Allura enter the rift:
Lance: “Last time anyone got in there, it turned Zarkon evil.”
Shiro: “Zarkon fell prey to his own evil instincts. The quintessence field didn’t create them. It revealed them.”
I’ve used Shiro’s comment in the analysis of Honerva and Zarkon’s arcs as well, but the fact that the writers chose to insert it right before Lotor’s trip to the rift is a clear enough hint (albeit “evil” and “instincts” have nuances, just like Lotor’s numerous character shades).
When they enter the rift, there is a moment where Lotor’s eyes narrow a bit…
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That, right there, is Lotor’s cunning expression he often displayed in the episodes before befriending the Paladins. It clearly points out to us that there is more going on in his mind.
An evil plot? This would be the immediate thought, right? Especially immediately after Shiro mentioning “evil instincts”.
Or maybe it isn’t an evil plot, but its execution is… less clean (“Lotor may have been misguided, but ultimately, he wanted to preserve life”). Hence, the evil-looking smirk. #LotorWasFramed?
“What we do here today will change the course of the universe forever,” says Lotor, while measuring the energy readings inside the rift.
Allura ponders over the quintessence effects, “In the hands of the wrong person, this power could easily corrupt.”
“Together, we’ll see it never does and continue the work your father started so long ago,” Lotor replies.
Two things:
Another warning: Quintessence in the hands of the wrong person…
“Together”: Yes, if they split up, things will go sideways.
“I can feel the quintessence coursing through me,” says Lotor euphorically, as they travel through the rift.
Allura, ecstatically sighing, replies, “It’s like my spirit, my whole being, is more alive.”
Quintessence is the space-drug of the series, it’s no doubt about that, even the EP’s have made the comparison. A double-edged sword, capable of conferring supernatural abilities and sensations, yet destructive enough to turn you into a Zarkon.
Not only Lotor is feeling its effects, Allura does too. Keep this in mind as I’ll discuss upcoming events.
For the first time in eons, his stars are aligned in the best possible way. They “accomplished something amazing” - entering the rift and collecting quintessence. He has the most powerful princess in the universe by his side, the gifted alchemist he so sorely needed for millennia. His plan is coming along fabulously.
But I think the most amazing accomplishment is that they finally confirm their feelings. The kiss happens. The bond that forms in their hearts is a potential catalyst for extraordinary changes, within themselves and to the universe around them. Double, triple euphoria for him.
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Can this man’s life turn any more tragic?
The moment of… (alleged) truth happens. The moment we find out, through Romelle’s story, that Lotor has been harvesting Alteans for their quintessence, for generations. The conclusion of her accusations is that he has been draining the Alteans for his own power and glory.
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(Notice the general expression of guilt: self-hugging, chin dropped to the chest, peeking from underneath his frowned eyebrows)
DESCENT INTO MADNESS
Let’s see, from Lotor’s perspective, what shocking events he goes through, to understand the underlying cause of his mental breakdown in S6E6.
1. Physical rejection by the woman he fell in love with.
Right after the high of their kiss and their rift breakthrough, he finds himself at gunpoint, accused of mass murder.
In reply to their accusations, Lotor says, “You know nothing about what you speak. […] Allura, listen to me. I’ve dedicated my life to preserving Altean culture. Now that we’ve unlocked the quintessence field, all of your people, who would have been hunted down long ago had it not been for my intervention, can live in peace. Were some lives lost in the process? Yes. But they were martyrs to a noble cause. I sacrificed a few to preserve the future for millions. Allura, do not let this ruin everything we’ve worked for. Think of what we experienced in the quintessence field.”
From what he says, we can deduce exactly what I’ve pieced together so far: that he was deeply preoccupied with preserving the Altean life and culture - he “dedicated” his life to it. This was his purpose in life, it was what he cared most about, and every action, every little or grand mischief that we’ve seen so far along the seasons, they all point to one sole purpose: pacifying the universe so he could bring his Alteans out of their hideout, so they can “live in peace”. They were his Mother Altea - metaphorically, the mother he never had.
His explanation is vague enough that we don’t understand some essential aspects about the “martyrs”, but also, his approach to Allura, right after such horrifying news, touching her hand while reminding her of what they “experienced” in the rift, obviously rubs her the wrong way.
Fresh from the rift with a dose of ultra-pure emotional enhancer called quintessence, Allura reacts violently, without seeking more answers. From here, things quickly roll downhill.
2. Being taken hostage.
3. Facing the truth about his mother, Haggar/Honerva.
For some reason, this event in his life never seems to be a subject of much discussion. I believe this holds a large role in his traumatic rollercoaster before the battle with Allura. The discussion with Honerva reveals the fact that he is still in denial about his mother’s downfall. His fists tremble in anger - another sign of emotional gravity.
According to him, his mother “ceased to exist when Honerva drew her last breath”, while Haggar represents an “abomination”, “a twisted perversion of what was once so pure and beautiful”. If you want a little Transactional Analysis (TA) parallel, this is exactly Child-Lotor from the other reality, saying: “No. My mother is dead. And you cannot replace her!”
What I find even more dramatic is that his entire life he’s been compensating for his lack of maternal love by completely immersing himself into the Altean culture, while his biological mother did everything to thwart his efforts to connect with his maternal legacy.
This is a huge blow to his internal set of values, and the fact that he reacts with total denial suggests (again, applying TA) that, with his fears confirmed, Child-Lotor feels cornered, afraid, trapped, thus his reaction of rejection towards her.
Bear this in mind, because I believe at the core of Lotor’s tragic turn in this episode resides a wounded Child.
4. Attempting to fix it, under pressure.
He is being punched from ALL directions.
Yet he persists.
His urgent priority? Finding Allura.
Even though Acxa explains that it will take a while to get back to the castle of Lions, he replies: “Then what are we waiting for?” I read desperation, a rush to try to fix things.
Although Allura tossed him to the ground, he holds no grudge against her.
Why does he return to her?
Why not the colony?
After all, it was his most precious planet in the universe! Oh, but this is not a tactical decision… It clearly stems from his emotions - he will soon confess it as well - because he truly loves Allura.
The fear of losing her is greater than his fear for the colony. Now that the secret is out, now that he knows that clone-Shiro was Haggar’s spy, it must be clear to him that his colony is completely exposed. The Altean civilization that he worked so hard to protect from the evils of his parents is inches away from being overtaken by Haggar, yet he flies right back to Allura! How telling!
Oh, but the way the story frames it leads us to believe that he wants to get back to the rift due to his greed for more power, because that was Allura’s conclusion about why he was returning: “He needs to get back into the quintessence field.”
No he does not. His Sincline can jump in and out of the rift at his own will, so he can access the rift from anywhere. He explicitly said to his generals that, “We’re headed to the Castle of Lions’ last known location.” (S6E5) He’s not headed to the rift, he is headed towards ALLURA.
“Accessing the quintessence field has been Lotor’s singular drive for millennia. He wants to harness the power for himself, but we cannot let him,” says Allura in S6E6. Wrong. What did he just explain to her earlier? “Now that we’ve unlocked the quintessence field, all of your people, who would have been hunted down long ago had it not been for my intervention, can live in peace.” Accessing the quintessence field does not reflect his final goal, it is a means to a higher purpose: freeing the Alteans.
5. The fallout. The dam-breaking moment.
Let me start by saying that Lotor is generally a calm and composed character - a mask he has built into his persona and practiced it for millennia, because he needs to display confidence, not weakness, around both his subjects and his enemies. It is the way of the Galra. Also, the attribute of a leader.
That doesn’t mean he does not show moments of panic or outbursts of anger. On the contrary, we witnessed them along the episodes: when killing Narti, when flying into the solar flares, the moment he kills Zarkon, when snapping at Allura… These little slips hint at the true emotions roiling underneath his mask. Most of us understand this mechanism; think of school exams and how anxious we felt inside, despite displaying a relatively calm expression while entering the test room.
Given the extraordinary tension of the negative events that befall right after his most triumphant moments, what are the odds that behind this façade, Lotor’s anxiety is at an all-time high? The fact that he does not show it yet doesn’t mean it’s not there. But we’ll begin to see it, as soon as he starts talking to Allura.
En route to Allura, Lotor tells his generals: “Zethrid, Ezor, my deepest apologies for lying to you both, but in order to gain the princess’ trust, and make the Paladins of Voltron believe we were truly at odds, it had to be done. […] Today we will gain access to unlimited quintessence, and together, we usher in a new era of power.”
Did he just slip back under another one of his facades? Did he truly trick Allura and the Paladins? Perhaps yes, but not in the way we are led to believe.
What he says is true - he did have to pretend to be at odds with Zethrid and Ezor in order to gain the Paladins’ trust. Imagine the chaos (not that we wouldn’t have enjoyed it) these ladies would have brought to team Voltron. Would Lotor risk his reputation with such “scoundrels” around the innocent Paladins? I mean… Zethrid replies, “As long as I get to blow something up, I’m good.” That wouldn’t fly with Allura.
Lotor basically gave each side what they expected to hear, while he pushed forward with his agenda. In order to gain Ezor and Zethrid’s trust again, he had to explain himself, and he doesn’t really lie, does he?
But what’s up with ushering “a new era of power”? Hehe, this is where we all get tricked into thinking he wants all the power of the quintessence for his own glory, thus we’re mentally confirming what Allura just said: “He wants to harness the power for himself.” Wrong again, and I’ll link this up to his next statements.
After the Paladins destroy the inter-reality gate, they ready themselves for a confrontation. They expect Lotor to come with guns blazing. Hunk even calculates the odds of three Sincline ships to four Lions. Lance, the team lead in Keith’s absence, orders: “Hold your positions. Let Lotor make the first move.”
Well, Lotor’s first move, even after seeing the gate destroyed, is to seek peace. He does not lie in any of his statements; these all tie in together with what he’s been saying so far. “We need not fight today. We are all on the same side. I know what you all must think of me now that you know my past. It doesn’t have to change our future together. The truth is, I want to harness the power of the quintessence field to better the universe, just like I said. Nothing has changed.”
Allura, raising her voice, replies, “You enslaved countless Alteans. Harnessed their life source for your own personal gain. How many innocent lives did you destroy?”
Lotor calmly attempts to explain: “Allura, I—”
“How many?” she roars back, without allowing him to finish.
(What was he going to say? He was clearly going to divulge exactly the key detail we are missing from the colony story, but Allura, whose temper is out of control, diverts the subject.)
After a deep breath under closed eyes, Lotor replies, “It’s true. Many Alteans perished in my quest to unlock the mysteries of quintessence. But I protected thousands more, and I rescued their culture, our culture.”
Comparing Allura and Lotor’s demeanor, it’s clear that Allura is the fire-starter. Not without reason though; from her perspective, one of a victim of mass-destruction, she has every right to be mad, and we, the viewers, sympathize with her.
On the other hand, Lotor seems to keep it together. He truly loves her, otherwise he wouldn’t try so hard for a peaceful solution. Even Zethrid asks, confused: “Why is he pleading with the Paladins? Why are we not opening fire?”
Ezor says, cynically, “I stopped trying to figure out Lotor’s master plan long ago. Too complicated!”
The only one who seems to comprehend what’s going on in Lotor’s heart is Acxa, who casts a worried glance towards him. Worrisome indeed, because heartbreaks are most terrifying, if things go out of control.
“Allura, you must understand I’ve given everything I have to plumb the depths of King Alfor’s knowledge, to unlock the mysteries of Oriande. Please, Allura, we’ve come too far together. Surely, you can see the greatness we’ve already accomplished. There’s still more to come. Join me. We’re on the same side.”
“No, we’re not!!” Allura screams at the top of her lungs, blasting her Lion’s canon at him.
Notice, Allura fires the first shot. Lotor, in response, yells at his generals: “Hold your fire! Hold your fire!” Acxa is sweating in tension - because she intuits how bad this could go. Zethrid is frustrated, while Ezor looks completely confused.
Lotor, keeping it together with his last emotional energy, is desperately trying to reach Allura. His voice trembles from the emotion, from the utter despair and anguish. His pupils have narrowed, eyes wide open. He sees his most precious relationship falling apart, he’s clinging to a last thread of hope. Allura is the one true love he met after ten thousand years of traumas and the most gifted alchemist. He has given everything he had to arrive here.
Altea awaits them. Together they could bring their people out of the shadows, they could rule a New Altea, “a new era of power” as he told his generals.
“Allura, stop! You and I hold the ancient knowledge of our Altean culture. We were meant to be together. My feelings for you are true - and I know you have feelings for me as well.”
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Cry as many rivers you need to, because this is the most tragic declaration of love.
Lotor, right here, wears his heart on his sleeve in front of everyone to see. Vulnerable, open-hearted, sincere - perhaps the most sincere declaration of his entire life, he opens himself up to Allura, he puts his trust in her, with all his wounds and unresolved traumas of the past.
Remember the “I’ll be fine” reply after defeating his father? No, he is not fine, his wounds have never healed.
This is why Allura’s reply falls like a guillotine on his already ravaged soul.
“You betrayed and used me. You’re more like Zarkon than I could have ever imagined!”
Comparing him with Zarkon? The one man who destroyed his life, who terrorized him for eons? We’ve seen his irked reaction to this comparison in the past, but now? Now the emotions are at all-time high. His bleeding heart is out for her to see, and she slays it, full-force.
Every trauma from his past converges here. This is the boiling point, the dam-breaking moment. This is where his hope dies. The moment of agency. (As I said in the beginning, at the critical point of the madness arc, whatever breaks the dam is a world-shattering event: extreme grief, total loss of loved ones, closest allies and friends, the breach of trust towards the world, or a combination of these. The character will try to fix the world and/or get back at the ones who hurt him.)
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The shrilling noises of the soundtrack make us cringe, like we could feel the shiver that runs down his spine as his heart suddenly grows cold. He replies with a stark voice. “What about your father? He may have been a master engineer, but Alfor was too weak to defend his home world. I’m the one who had to step up and save our entire race. Who are you to question my tactics in bringing peace and prosperity to the universe?”
Remember his similar reply when he was a prisoner in her castle? It’s his gut reaction to a most sensitive subject: his father. She wants to talk family? He’s punching back with brutal opinions on Alfor, because at this point he desires nothing more but for her to feel the same kind of pain.
“Who are you…?” She’s a stranger. Someone who doesn’t have a place in his heart anymore.
“Destroy the Lions,” he orders his generals over a cold expression. He’s made his choice.
Hell breaks loose.
If you think that the negative effects of the rift trip applied only to Lotor, let me put this in perspective:
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Allura is equally overloaded with adrenalin. And from the battle scene, we can see that she is the one attacking him first, her roar as loud as her Lion’s. As the fight continues, Lotor perfectly executes evasive maneuvers around her, continuing to keep a blank expression, until… he erupts, like a volcano of unresolved, under-pressure turmoil:
“Once I wipe out Voltron, I’m going to start a new Altea. An Altea that will never know of Princess Allura or King Alfor. Nor will they know of the Lions of Voltron. All they’ll know is me, their great leader! Hahaha, I’m ready to wipe the universe clean of all my enemies. Voltron, Haggar, and the rest of the Galra!”
Here’s where many of us got him wrong, thinking that this has been Lotor’s real intention from the get-go: to destroy Voltron and rule a new empire for his own glory.
The only way I can properly explain this is through the psychological mechanisms - not only what goes on in Lotor’s mind, but in our mind as well.
1. Let’s start with us. The script so far played to convince us that Lotor planned this evil plot all along. How did we get tricked? Through all the little hints dropped along the way, which I already pointed out. Our knee-jerk reaction naturally ensues as “A-ha, I told you so.” However, many of us began to have doubts.
2. Shifting the focus back on Lotor, here’s what I said right after the scene with the destruction of Ven’tar’s planet: “after Zarkon destroyed his heart, Lotor ran straight into the arms of Mother Altea”.
I remember, earliest childhood memories, that if I was mad at my dad, I would run to my mom. If I was upset on both of them, I’d cry for my grandparents. It’s only natural that the child seeks love, affection, protection, and as we grow older, that Child within us, with all its basic emotions and needs, continues to coexist underneath our Adult.
The bigger the wounds of the past, the larger the needs of the inner Child.
What happens when the Child within us loses all emotional contacts, all the love and support it sorely needs? When all our friends and allies are gone, when we lose contact with reality, when the closest friend and lover stabs us in our deepest wounds… where do we go from there?
Where did the wounded, cornered Child-Lotor escape, away from the cruel reality around him?
What was his last refuge? His last place where he he would always be received with unquestioning devotion by the masses?
ALTEA.
The Alteans praised him as a god, a messiah, their savior. His statue dominated their landscape.
Altea was his life-long project, the only heritage from his real mother, the place where he poured all his passion (“I’ve dedicated my life to preserving the Altean culture.”). Until he met Allura, that had been his only source of love and joy.
Altea was the family he never had.
Who we see here, screaming and kicking, is the wounded, cornered inner Child, irrational, filled with pure negative emotions. There is no reasonable Adult in the picture, no normative Parent, just pure madness. Fear leads to aggression (the Galra way), similar to his reaction of slaying the Lion at Oriande. He screams about becoming the great leader of a new Altea that will never know of Allura, Voltron, Alfor, etc, because ALTEA IS HIS LAST PLACE OF REFUGE, where he hopes to forget about this painful past. Child-Lotor is hurt, deeply hurt, he wants destroy all who wounded him, then run away into the arms of Mother Altea. He descends into madness with guns blazing, ready to get back at those who hurt him, and in an ultimate irrational cry, he includes the Galra in his list of mortal enemies, because they, too, hurt him when he was a child.
He bitterly comments: “Even my generals betray me!” A self-fulfilling prophecy, as he becomes disconnected from literally everyone.
Acxa yells “Lotor, don’t do this!” as he ejects them one by one from the ships. She knows what he’s about to do - form the Sincline robot, because she worked on building the ships. She knows how powerful it can become and realizes how far Lotor is gone.
Sprinkle quintessence atop the irrational, negative emotions and the cocktail for disaster is right there.
Quintessence “reveals evil instincts” indeed, because
negative emotions are evil,
and emotions are instinctual (the definition of emotion is “a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others”).
Allura recognizes it during their battle inside the rift, when the Paladins begin to drift into rage. “We have to get out of here,” she yells. “This is exactly what happened to Zarkon. Exposure to all this quintessence turned him into a monster!”
—> So, did Lotor harbor “evil instincts” all this time? Well, we all carry negative emotions. The Paladins did too, when they screamed “Let’s destroy that guy!”, “Finish him!”, except that Allura pulled the plug before they could all become corrupted (the best way to prevent drug dependence is to not get exposed in the first place).
—> Does this confirm that he’s been planning this plot all along, that he truly wanted to become the all-powerful, “great leader” of a new Altea that would obliterate Alfor’s legacy? ABSOLUTELY NOT. It only proves that what happened to Lotor was a tragic descent into madness, a resultant of unresolved mental illness accumulated along the millennia, enhanced by a series of misfortunate events and misunderstandings between him and team Voltron, and blown out of proportions by quintessence (and maybe the little entity inside him, too).
After S6 dropped, viewers were complaining that they did not recognize this Lotor, that this was a different person. Well, remember what he said about his mother, when inspecting her science log? “By the end of these logs, it’s like they’re written by a different person. She’s frantic, paranoid, erratic. Her reason and intellect are gone, replaced by fear and paranoia.”
Voilà.
So then, what did Lotor want when he was in his right mind?
Exactly what he said: to bring Altea out of the shadows, into a universe free of violence. Bonus: having Allura with him meant that together, they made sure the quintessence never got into the wrong hands (idealistic, I know, but the man had a dream). Ruling alongside Allura, the “royal alliance”, would have been his most blissful destiny.
Did he plan on destroying all the Galra? I don’t believe so, because he told Allura that he wanted to “meet the needs of the Galra”.
Maybe get rid of some inconvenient warlords? For sure, they’d all rot with the ice worms.
Maybe install an Altean leadership instead? “A new era of power?” It’s quite possible that might have been in the back of his mind. Who knows, maybe it would have turned just like the alternate reality where the Paladins traveled, where the enemies of Altea were turned into “non-cogs”. Anything is possible, we’d have to ask the writers what they had in mind.
Did he dream of becoming the “great leader”? Maybe not in a megalomaniac way, but he probably envisioned himself as a benevolent emperor, since he had a huge need for validation and love. His giant statue is a testament to that.
Did he want all the power for himself? No. All evidence points to the fact that he was willing to share it with Allura (“royal alliance”), with Voltron, with the Coalition. He even tells them, through boiling wrath: “It didn’t have to end like this.”
Some voices insist that Lotor could have told Allura (at least Allura, not the others) about his secret colonies, but because he was hiding that, it meant that he was hiding evil intents. No, he couldn’t tell anyone, his hands were tied because of Haggar stalking him. When Allura was piloting Voltron, her mind was connected with the rest of the Paladins. If Haggar had access to clone-Shiro’s mind, what would prevent her from tapping into the others’ minds?
“Now we will see how Alfor’s legacy stands against the new Altean defender!” screams Lotor during his clash against Voltron.
Altean… DEFENDER? I know this is irrational Lotor talking, but maybe this had been his plan all along? To create defenders for Altea, machines capable of fending off Galra invaders? If this is what his second colony was all about, then Allura’s visions in S8 also make sense - her mother telling her about protecting Altea against the Galra. Speculating.
As the battle heats up, Sincline jumps in and out of the quintessence field at will. Along with that, we begin to see him turn more and more rogue, as the quintessence gradually poisons him.
“Unlimited power is mine. All realities will fall to the new Altean Empire.”
A new Altea, a new Altean defender, and now… a new Altean Empire. At the peak of his madness, new delusions of grandeur emerge - yes, now he wants unlimited power - but perhaps we can also take a little peek into his secret wishes? He’d dream of replacing the Galra ruling with an Altean leadership? It would make sense, since he loved Altea so much.
These are 100% madness tantrums: if nobody loves me, I’ll destroy all of you and rebuild my own world.
It very much resembles Honerva’s peak of madness: “If I cannot experience the simple joys of life, why should anyone else?” (Translation: If nobody gives me what I want, then screw you all.)
-----------------------------
We know the rest of Lotor’s arc, or what remains of it. Left in the quintessence field, then recovered by his mother in S8E6 “Genesis”, and, for the following episodes, Sincline is dangled in front of the audience like a carrot, only to wave goodbye to his ghost in the end, with a short “he deserved better” conclusion. Oh, let’s not forget about the cOrPse.
—————————————
Earlier I talked about the “alleged truth” that Romelle brought to the story, because up to this date we don’t know exactly the entire backstory of the colony, yet…
A. We were told all along the remaining of S6, entire S7 and almost all S8 that Lotor was
“a monster” (Romelle, S6E4),
“a murderer” (Pidge, S6E4),
someone who “fooled” everyone around him for his own power (Allura, S6E6),
who harnessed the Alteans’ life source for his “own personal gain” (Allura, S6E6),
a man who “preached unity, but in the end he only sought power” (Acxa, S7E3),
who “used” his allies, leading them down “a painful path, a never-ending cycle of destruction and loss” (Acxa, S8E5)
B. Out of nowhere, Allura exonerates him in the last episode of the series, asking Honerva to “honor” her son: “Lotor may have been misguided, but ultimately, he wanted to preserve life.”
So which one is it: A or B?
You don’t suddenly honor someone after you called them “murderer”, power-seeking “monster”, unless… something of extraordinary importance has been unveiled, to properly provide an exoneration of his character.
Was it ever unveiled? No.
Then, rational deduction… #LotorWasFramed?
I think so.
It started as writers’ deliberate story framing (proof provided in my above analysis), leading the audience to believe in a “he-was-evil-all-along” nature of Lotor, with the clear expectation of a much larger reveal later down the series, that would subvert the “villain” trope. In my opinion - based on logical deductions and supported by evidence of altered animation circulating in the fandom extensively, the big reveal was excised from S8, the only clues left residing in… metaphors and visions - Allura’s visions.
Reason of such excision? Just like the tragedy of Lotor’s arc, the tragedy of VLD lied in the conflict between the IP owner’s commercial target (toys for boys aged 6-12 and robot cartoons with classic, simple tropes such as good vs. evil, boy-hero gets the pretty girl, etc) and the actual execution of the story, which deployed complex characters like Lotor, Allura, Honerva, the Paladins, and so on, embraced by a different audience niche. Yet, even if the finale of S8 attempted to erase such complexity in order to realign the series with the aforementioned commercial intent, the creators nevertheless managed to insert their concluding message into the final episode - Lotor ultimately wanted to preserve life - thus, he deserved better.
———————————————
Season 8, although I consider it incomplete in regards to Lotor’s arc (and other arcs as well), does provide us with some interesting hints at what could have been, if the story hadn’t been altered, which would have further elucidated Lotor’s overall arc, because these hints contribute to showing us his true nature.
—> In S8E6 “Genesis”, Sincline has the target locked onto Allura, yet it does not open fire. We clearly see through Lotor’s eyes, as he readies his aim.
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There is no doubt that a sentient soul coordinates the decision not to shoot. This reminds me of Zarkon’s singular confession to his son: “She was my only weakness.” Similarly, Allura is Lotor’s only weakness.
This scene begs a series of logical questions (*cough*, I love logic): if a sentient being operates Sincline, how can Lotor be dead? A dead man cannot operate Sincline.
If Honerva uses the entity to remote-control her living subjects and she also remote-controls Sincline, then logic would suggest that… a living subject, infected with the entity, inhabits the cockpit. Not a corpse.
Honerva tells Allura: “I am the only thing keeping my son at bay.” Um, she can’t really keep a dead son at bay, can she?
If he’s alive, then why are we shown the suggestion of a corpse, in S8E10? Or was it another altered scene? NB: static images are easy to redraw.
Also, motes of purple quintessence effuse from the “corpse”. We’ve seen these before, with Zarkon and Honerva right after coming back from the rift.
If the assumptions above are correct, then this scene would further align with what I have said in my previous metas regarding Zarkon and Honerva: the entity’s takeover happens as a gradual progression towards complete disconnect from self. At this point in the story, Lotor would be at the far end of the madness spectrum, completely possessed by the entity and overloaded with quintessence. This would create a coherent story, paralleling those of Zarkon and Honerva.
This theory about Lotor having the entity would also justify the next point:
—> Allura’s visions in S8E8 are a rich source of information.
Just like Honerva can telepathically connect with her subjects via the entity, if Lotor has the entity and he has a strong attachment to Allura, then he is telepathically causing her dream.
Since what Lotor tells Allura about the entity turns out to be true, why wouldn’t the other elements of her dream be true, too? (“nothing ever truly goes extinct” = he’s not really dead; “we both seek to destroy Haggar” = Lotor has been fighting Haggar all along; he’s showing her how to fight Haggar, because that’s how he did it in the past - and that can be seen as an explanation for his second colony, because it clearly implies that sacrifices have been made).
If Allura’s dream provides an allegory to Lotor’s second colony, it would justify the meaning of Lotor’s words: “they were martyrs to a noble cause.”
Also, this statement would provide backup: “Many Alteans perished in my quest to unlock the mysteries of quintessence. But I protected thousands more…” If he was looking for a way to use the entity and the quintessence to defend his colony against the Galra, then he was definitely on a quest to unlock their mysteries, to protect the thousands more.
In this context, the heist of the teludav lens in S3E6 has a justification, as he may have intended to use Alteans to operate it, in another one of his “quests”.
Although the origin of the clandestine, pure white vats of quintessence was never fully explained (the quintessence allegedly extracted from the second colony Alteans actually looked quite purple), the story made it clear that Lotor was using the ultra-pure variety to infuse at least his Sincline ships with it. If he calls his Sincline the new Altean Defender, perhaps he tested other vehicles as well, using that pure white quintessence?
These would all tie together his arc, and the last statement of the story would make absolute sense: “ultimately, he wanted to preserve life.”
—> Aside from these remarks, there are many other metaphorical takes to Allura’s vision.
Ghost!Lotor visiting Allura in her bedroom immediately sent my thoughts to a folklore myth that is common to many cultures, from South America to Africa, to Northern and Eastern Europe and beyond. The “incubus” is a demon or a soul that visits sleeping women, in some traditions thought to be a man who was rejected during his lifetime by a woman, seeking to get back to his lost love. A symbol of unrequited love, erotic temptations or female desires, the incubus bears many names, according to each folklore. “I thought you’d be happy to see me,” says Ghost!Lotor, perhaps reading her mind?
“The ancients believed that all of life began with a single juniberry flower.” Foreshadowing the last episode’s rebirth of the universe, perhaps Lotor was supposed to accompany her in the grand restoration?
————————————
Even without S8, my point is that Lotor’s story followed a madness arc, slowly evolving along his multi-millennial life, and subtly hinted at throughout the show. Despite arriving at the same level of insanity as his parents, the reasons for his downfall were truly tragic, and, had the last season been allowed to develop as intended by the writers, Lotor would have been vindicated through a fully-fledged arc, just like his parents - thus, he deserved better and, in my opinion, the writers deserved better. The proof is in the details, and I’ve zoomed in quite a bit during this analysis. VLD gave us an amazing show with complex characters and most inspiring animation art.
This is probably my last meta on VLD. Going forward, I’ll focus more on the bright side of things: fan art and fanfics. See you on the other side! 😘
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youneedsomeprompts · 1 year
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~ SHOWING SUPPORT FOR SOMEONE WITH DEPRESSION ~ WRITING PROMPTS
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requested by: anonymous
Feel free to use and reblog!
offering hugs
helping them with simple life tasks without judging
bringing them food they like
"I'm here for you."
trying to give them as much comfort as they can
telling them stories from the outside world to distract them
accepting that not every attempt to help actually does something for the other
just sitting in silence with them & being there
"Do you want to talk?" "No." "It's alright."
wrapping them up in a blanket
reading to them
talking them into going out into the green for recreation
being patient
not having expectations but being happy about every sign of recovery
making sure that they're staying hydrated enough
"I made this for you."
showing them they're happy to see them even if the other isn't in a great state ("I love you regardless")
gentle gestures of affection (brushing through their hair, caressing, etc.)
giving them soft smiles
holding them when they need to cry
note: I'm not a professional, and this is not a list of perfect ways to help a depressed person but a list of ways people would maybe try to help. If you or someone you know really needs help, please seek professional help <3
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theh3artcrew · 4 months
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Norman hated these kinds of things. Galas. Norman hated lack of authenticity. They all smiled, waved, and talked as if they cared about what the other had to say so much, but Norman knew the real reason these people came. It was all about ensuring that they could be talked about. They wanted to be seen. They wanted to ensure their positions in the city were not hurt by not appearing. Which begs the question, why Norman was here? Honestly, because a assistant, who no doubt would be a former assistant come tomorrow, told him it was good for the Secretary of Homeland Security to make appearances sometimes as well.
Then suddenly, he got the feeling again. The feeling of something quite not right. Not here, not now. He quickly took a seat rubbing his temples. How long can you keep this up? Norman then spoke aloud , "Leave me alo-..." Before he could finish his sentence, he had realized someone was also sitting at the table. "I'm sorry about that. I-.. I mistook you for someone else."
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@hiddenstarters
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sermna · 1 year
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I sometimes still can't believe that mental illness robbed me of my early twenties. I'm loving my late twenties, don't get me wrong, but it took 5-6 years to get my mental health in a decent place and that's time I'm never getting back. I didn't get to go to school like I wanted, I couldn't start a career, I was basically just surviving. Dozens of medications, dozens of side effects, hospitalizations, finding literally anything to keep me wanting to live life, huge dissociative episodes, voices, self harm... and I'm okay now. I'm more than okay! And I'm building my life now.
No real point to this, I'm just feeling proud of myself as well as bittersweet :)
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hmshermitcraft · 1 year
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Grian is really thin and bony under his sweater. The hermits don’t suspect anything until an unfortunate “incident” (sideeyes scar) with water balloons, in which the avian’s sopping wet sweater is taken off immediately leaving grian in his undershirt, none the wiser to what he has revealed.
Cue the hermits researching avian health and finding that their resident bird is supposed to be far more plump than he currently is.
-TeratoTomato
They start off slow, giving him food to snack on, in front of him, offer to cook meals for him, but not as often to make it obvious and to make sure he won’t get sick from overeating
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cobawrites · 1 year
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A Gust of Wind (Vash x Reader), Chapter 1
Vash x Reader, GN! Reader, Mutual Pining, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn Romance, TW: Mental Illness, TW: Suicidal Ideation. Reader awakens to an unfamiliar world, left alone and struggling with mental illness from before the crash. Vash emerges as a guiding light for Reader, and vice versa.
Chp. 1 >> Next
Hello all! This is my first Trigun fic. My first fic in a long time, actually! I’m probably in for the long haul with this story, so I wanted to be careful about how I construct (Y/N)’s history and stuff. Can’t have any pesky plot holes! Because of this, Vash doesn’t appear until the later half of the first chapter, but worry not! He’ll get way more time to shine in the coming chapters. And I have several sweet and fluffy scenes planned out hehehehe~!
But before we get to those scenes, I have to give you guys a fair trigger warning: this fic is going to deal with some potentially triggering topics. This includes descriptions of suicidal ideation, attempted suicide, and heavy themes of anxiety and depression. Mental illness stuff in general. This fic goes out to all my peeps who struggle with these things. I poured a lot of my personal experiences into this, and I’m sure many of you will be able to put yourself in (Y/N)’s shoes as well. Expect Vash and (Y/N) to butt heads over this stuff as their ideologies mix like oil and water.
Oh, and I am going to try to keep things as gender neutral as possible. If I slip up anywhere, do let me know and I’ll fix it!
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                    By clicking “Keep Reading”, you agree to the warnings.
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                                                    A Gust of Wind
                                                        Chapter 1
Hollow footsteps echoed the walls of the now empty ship, the remains beaten and weathered by who knows how many years. Just how long had it been since the accident that stranded you and your loved ones on this desolate planet? Having been sealed away in a cryo-chamber since before the crash, it was hard to tell. Eventually, the chamber failed, and you had awoken to… this.
Kneeling on the ground, you carefully placed down a bouquet of handmade paper flowers. Wisterias were your mother’s favorites. You’d spent all day trying to get them right. It was the least you could do for her, and for the rest of your family that was not quite as lucky as you were.
Lucky… what a funny word.
How you wished you could have been there. How you wished you could have shared in their final moments together. How you wished you could have ended it all with them by your side…
Instead, here you were. Each tap of your soles echoing louder and louder against the metal floor as you descended these lonely halls once again. Blurry memories, although clouded by years spent in a failing cryo-chamber, still managed to haunt your every step like lucid dreams.
Your hand tightened on the strap of the bag slung over your shoulder as you took once last look back at the ship. It might have made more sense to stay. There were a number of unexpectedly well-preserved supplies aboard the ship. Still, part of you simply couldn’t bear it, and part of you knew that you didn’t deserve to intrude on the scene you were leaving behind: your family’s bones, intertwined in a timeless embrace. A still life painting of what looked to have been a quick and painless death. One moment, holding each other with tender love. And in the next, their souls freed like a gust of wind.
Not here. You wouldn’t do it here. You couldn’t do it here.
And so, you took your first step out into the harsh new world that awaited you.
On a planet with two suns, it was hard to keep track of how many days had passed. Not only was the drowsy heat impairing your judgement, but the days seemed to stretch on forever. Whatever semblance of time you had was lost to the wind.
Wind… Now that was something. One of the few things on this planet that gave respite from the blistering heat. You lifted the edge of your shirt to feel it swell up underneath, your sweat cool against your skin. This place would do just fine. The cliffs were tall, and the wind was strong.
Slowly, your weary limbs carried you to the top of the tallest cliff. The way the ground crunched underneath you. The way the breeze peppered light kissed across your face. Everything was just right. It may not have been the way you’d imagined it would be, exactly, but it was better this way. With no one left to weigh upon your shoulders. With no one left who would miss you when you were gone. With no one left to stop you and force you into that god forsaken cryo-chamber.
Anger pulsed through your veins for a second, and the resentment you held for the ones you were supposed to love came crashing down on you like the ocean waves you’d only ever read about. Who were they to decide who lives and who dies? If you wanted to kick rocks, that was your own goddamned choice.
But just as quickly as it came, it was gone again. Images of your mother’s face surfaced from the torrents in your heart. Who were they? They were your family, of course. You just wished… You just wished they understood. Some of us are just born that way. And not everyone is strong enough to power through it.
But now you didn’t have to be strong. When you first came across their bodies, with the belongings in their pockets as the only identifiers, you didn’t know how to feel. Every emotion you had was bottlenecked on its way to the surface, and so you stared. You sat there, and you stared for hours. Was it sorrow? Loneliness? Fear? Or was it a sick sense of relief? A mere glimpse of their newfound freedom that reinforced your longing for the same.
A steep cliff laid before you. Dust crumbled out from below the rocks and down a deep chasm, one that didn’t seem to be carved by a river of any sort, but by something else. Whatever that something was, it didn’t matter to you. Closing your eyes, you took one step forward.
“MAMA! HELP!”
A child’s voice rang loudly across the cliff walls. Startled, your eyes fluttered open, frantically scanning the cliffs below you for the source of the sound. By god, you were about to commit suicide in front of a child. A fucking child.
Heart now pounding in your ears, you spotted a small boy of no more than seven, surrounded by what looked like giant… silverfish? Crayfish? What the hell were those things?
With the speed at which they were closing in on the boy, you had no time to mull it over. Quickly, you picked up a large rock and flung it as hard as you could toward the largest aggressor, your tired muscles reinvigorated by the sudden burst of adrenaline.
It was no good. The beasts paused for only a few seconds, then continued closing in on their prey. You lunged more rocks down at them to stall for time, and bolted down the most leveled side of the cliff, eating dirt a few times as you went.
As you hastened to close the gap between you and the boy, you opened one of your bag’s pockets to pull a large knife. Those creatures’ shells looked awfully hard, but the knife would be better than nothing at all. Casting the bag aside, you lunged at the smallest of the pack with reckless abandon, stabbing it between its armor-like plates. It writhed underneath you, trying to shake you off. Half of the beasts turned away from the boy and rushed in your direction.
“Run, kid!” You yelled at the top of your lungs, clinging desperately to the creature’s back as the others tried to claw at you. The boy, panic written all over his face, stared in horror with tears in his eyes, and glued hopelessly to the floor. The beasts that were still trained on him dragged jagged appendages across the rocks as they drew closer, as if sharpening them in anticipation of their next meal.
Frustrated, you stabbed another beast in its soft belly as it lunged forward, and rolled out from underneath it just in time. That move, however, left you without a weapon, as it stayed lodged firmly in the wound.
“Oh, screw this!” You grunted as you dodged another beast and bolted toward the child. You vaulted over one of the creatures surrounding the boy, extremely grateful for the immense amount of cardio you did whenever you needed an emotional outlet. Not that you were grateful for the crippling anxiety that made you run yourself into the ground just to sleep at night. But at least your dreadful lot in life could finally be put to good use.
Light on your feet, you made a mad dash toward the boy and scooped him up, not looking back. There! You spotted a way back up the cliffs where a woman stood flinging rocks at the beasts behind you. The path was rather steep and it still had indentations where rocks had likely come loose mere moments ago. It was unsafe, but the situation behind you was even less so.
“Hold on tight, kiddo!” You said, leaping up to the first foothold. The boy clung desperately to anything he could get a hold of, stabbing his small little fingers into your flesh like needles. Good. At least you could be certain he wouldn’t fall.
Scrambling up the cliff by whatever means necessary, lacking any grace at all, you climbed as fast as you could. The scraping sounds of their armored claws were getting closer and closer. Your heart felt as though it was about to burst out of your chest.
With the top of the cliff in sight, you tried your best to focus on the final stretch, but a pincer suddenly crashed into the cliff wall beside you. The child screamed and cried. It had grazed his arm and drawn blood. Not good. They were hot on your heels. Light-headed from exhaustion, you pried the boy off you and tossed him up into his mother’s arms with the last of your strength. The woman quickly set him down, instructing him to run, and she reached for your arm next. But she missed.
A pincer closed around your left leg and began dragging you down the cliff, knocking the wind out of you with a heavy thud. With no strength left to fight, you let it happen. Half from exhaustion, but half from a sense of relief. Your family couldn’t be mad at you now. You’d made your death count.
But from the corner of your eye, you noticed that some of the beasts weren’t satisfied with just you as their meal. They continued past you and up the cliff toward the woman and the boy. This couldn’t be happening. Not after you tried so hard to save them.
You struggled against the beast’s claws, flailing to free your leg, and clutching at the rocks to prevent it from dragging you further down the cliff. Frustrated tears pooled in your eyes, the boy’s panic-stricken face flashing vividly in your memory.
Suddenly, you heard several loud bangs in the distance. Some of the creatures fell off the side of the cliff, and some scurried off. A blond head popped out from above the cliff and pulled a revolver on the beast dragging your leg. With skilled gunmanship you’d never seen before, he hit the pincers dead on, missing your leg by a hair. The blond man hopped down to the foothold closest to you and pulled you up. You tried muttering a thank you, but you were so winded that nothing came out but a dusty cough.
“Are you okay?” He asked, holding you steady. You nodded to save your breath, legs still shaking uncontrollably. He smiled and pulled you flush against his chest with one arm and scooped up your legs with the other. If you weren’t so dizzy, you might have blushed.
“Don’t worry, I’ll help you up.” He said, and with a single, elegant leap that made him look not quite human, he landed on the clifftop.
Carefully, he placed your feet on solid ground. “Can you walk?” You nodded, and tried to take a step, but your jelly legs betrayed you.
He tutted and took you into his arms once again. “I guess you’ll just have to be my little prince(x) for the time being, yeah?” He teased with a wink. This time, a furious blush spread across your face. No way. You were not about to be carried bridal style by a stranger.
“No, I can walk! I swear!” You insisted, and wiggled out of his arms, cheeks scorching hot. But your legs betrayed you a second time, and you collapsed on the floor.
“Goodness, Vash, they sure are a stubborn one!” Said the woman, coming your way to check up on you after having wrapped a bandage on her son’s arm. “A real fighter in more ways than one!”
They both chuckled, and the woman kneeled beside you. “Thank you both for coming to our aid. And Vash, I can’t believe we’ve had to rely on you twice now. You must think I’m a terrible mother…”
“Not at all, Marlene. But you two really should be more careful. It’s not safe to scavenge in this area. There are more worms here than usual, and they grow bigger, too.” He explained as he kneeled down to get a better look at your leg. Vash’s hand brushed over your ankle to assess the damage, causing you to wince in pain. He glanced at you apologetically, before pulling some first aid supplies from his bag.
“I know, my boy. But we hardly have any food in our town to go around. No plant to rely on…” She responded solemnly. “I only wish I could convince the little one to stay behind, but he insists on coming with me. Says he needs to learn how to be the man of the house now that his father is gone.”
Vash furrowed his brows, a regretful look on his face. “Admirable, but little George’s got some big shoes to fill. There’s nothing wrong with recognizing that.” He said, offering a kind smile in his direction.
George, now awkwardly nursing his bandaged arm a few meters away from everyone else, averted his eyes to the ground. “I’m really sorry, Mr. Vash,” he whispered. “I… I’ll be more careful next time. I promise.”
Together, Vash and Marlene got to work on your injured leg, cleaning off the dirt and grime left behind by the worms, or whatever those disgusting creatures were called. While they worked, Vash glanced at you all over with an unreadable look in his eyes, spending longer than normal on the logo on your chest. With your ankle now bandaged snugly, he moved to pick you up again, but you scrambled away. This earned you an exasperated look from Vash.
“Listen, I’m not going to pull any smooth moves on you, okay? So you can just relax.”
“No, it’s not that! It’s just –,” you started, but he cut you off.
“I don’t want to hear it,” he said, and picked you up from the ground as if you weighed no more than a feather. This guy was something else. “You’re injured. I’m taking you back with us. And we’re doing this the right way so you don’t get hurt any more than you already are.”
You shook your head feverishly. “I’m actually fine, just shaken,” you insisted, pushing against his chest in protest. “It’s more nerves than anything else! I just need to sit down for a while, that’s all.”
Vash stared quizzically into your eyes. “Hmmm… Okay then. If you’re sure,” he finally agreed, setting you down gently. Mustering all the strength you had left, you steadied your legs and bit back the pain as you walked over to find a seat on some rocks.
“But aren’t you coming back with us, sweetheart?” Marlene asked. “It will be dark soon. It’s dangerous. We should really be going.”
“I… I have some business here,” you said with a smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes. “Don’t worry about me. I’m just glad I was able to help at all.” At this, Vash chewed his lip, not once taking his eyes off yours. The weight of his gaze was too much to bear. Unnerved, you looked away.
“And what’s your name, sweetie? If you won’t let us treat you to a good night’s rest back in town, at least give us that.” She said.
“(Y/N),” you replied, rubbing the back of your neck sheepishly.
“Well, (Y/N), you are always welcome in our village. It is just west of here, in case you change your mind.
You nodded with a smile, and with that, they were off. You were alone again, and you had a late nigh rendezvous with the cliffs. The nearest cliff wasn’t nearly steep enough to do the job. You sighed. Getting back to your spot… was going to take some time. Best get moving.
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inloveandpoetry · 2 months
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can i be honest about something personal
i really truly think i’m autistic, and it’s not just bpd
i got tested when i was like three but i’ve always felt so different than my peers growing up and not just bc i was sensitive
and idk what the fuck to do because my parents refuse to help get me tested again and i don’t want to trust an online test butttt that seems like the only feasible option rn but also i don’t want to self diagnose??? but what else do i do lol
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knownoshamc · 6 months
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let's appreciate how Ed here looks (the hair bun, the earring, the beard) like he is out of a flowerist AU
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and he is a man is in a full manic episode, about to kill everyone on the ship, including himself
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