#can you tell how intense my hyperfixation has gotten??

[ato-dato]

Aziraphale please! He’s been through enough!!!

#this took AGES #but I really like it I think #anyway #can you tell how intense my hyperfixation has gotten?? #really intense #I rarely think of something that isn’t these two idiots #anywayyy #have a nice 5 days till season 2 #good omens 2 #good omens #good omens season two #aziraphale #aziracrow #ineffible husbands #crowley #anthony crowley #I Hope this happens on s2 #art #artwork #my art #fanart #digital art #drawing #comic #fan comic

[buckybarnesss]

Lurker now follower here, hi hi, I love your blog and all your insights and thoughts on Teen Wolf and Sterek!! I just finished a rewatch and then immediately started over from the beginning because I am Unwell 😂😂😂

I’m on episode one and I gotta say it’s pretty hilarious how Stiles immediately recognizes Derek. Like, I can only imagine how obsessed he was with the fire and the Hale family, and now Derek is back!!

I don’t really have more coherent thoughts on this, just my brain going BRRRRR so yea lol 😂😂

hi! welcome!

i know we all joke about how stiles immediately knows it's derek hale that he and scott run into because it is funny. like stiles baby. honey. the signs were there.

i've always gotten the impression the fire is something stiles remembers very, very well.

the hale fire changed beacon hills. the hales had been there since the town's foundation. they were a well off, prominent family. there was reason to suspect arson. multiple children died and the only known survivors were two barely adult children and a severely burned, comatose man.

laura and derek were high schoolers. cora was eleven years old and presumed dead.

we're told the only thing left recognizable of talia hale were her claws.

it's the definition of a tragedy.

not to think of the supernatural repercussions to the vacuum left behind.

stiles would've been about 10 when the fire occurred which is young but old enough to understand the severity of such an event. especially as the child of the sheriff.

he probably saw how it weighed on his father and had a healthy dose of morbid curiosity. he may have even have knew cora hale in that passive way you know other kids in your school even if you don't know them personally. one day there and the next dead. for someone like stiles who gets hyper-focused on things and has a lot of anxiety stemming from the death of his mother i can easily imagine how his mind didn't let it go.

meeting derek in person created a hyperfixation so intense and so unhinged it led to him recognizing teen derek hale at 50 paces or less in a mexican desert several years later.

as he got to know derek he unlocked the layered tragic backstory stiles really became derek's secret keeper.

and it is only stiles that gets these pieces of the puzzle that is derek hale. he's the one who goes through the hale fire files, he's the one who pieced together that kate argent preyed on a young derek and he knows about paige.

i find it interesting choice to have only stiles know these things about derek. scott never learns of these things that could possibly make him more empathetic towards derek. the writers don't use it that way.

especially because stiles learning these things never goes anywhere overt. it's all in the subtext of the relationship between derek and stiles.

like, stiles learns about paige and he does nothing with this information but we do see him with tears in his eyes over it. he doesn't ever learn that paige's death gave power to the nemeton either. jennifer only tells derek that.

he knows all of this about derek and never tells anyone. he only ever alludes to knowing about kate one time and it's in the overlooked when he gets in derek's face. i'm unsure derek's even aware stiles knows about paige. stiles carries all these secrets about derek and he never uses it against him. instead he continues to keep coming back again and again and again for derek.

more importantly he understands derek and what is love but the mortifying ordeal of being known.

that all said stiles is absolutely unhinged about derek and derek does nothing to curb this by the way. if it bothered him he'd stop it but they are freak4freak so derek probably finds it charming even if he puts up a few token protests just to bait stiles.

#my blog #thoughts on teen wolf #teen wolf #the hale family feels #stiles stilinski #sterek

[dhmis-autism]

Why do you think there’s such a strong military motif associated with Duck Guy throughout the show? I’ve always thought that it was because he’s the one who cares the most about having a routine/‘order’ in the show (Or at least as close to an order as the surreal world of the show allows them to have). This certainly hit me in the last episode the most where it almost sounds like Duck is nearly brought to tears when Yellow Guy isn’t talking and acting like he typically does. There are other characteristics with Duck that I believe could me closely associated with militaristic ones (Such as his anger and desire to be the center of attention in their lessons), but wanting their world to keep sticking to its routine and not enjoying change at all are the main traits that stuck out to me the most.

OKAY NO INTERESTING QUESTION AND VEEERY INTERESTING TAKE HERE I LOVE ITTT I LOVE THIS ASK I LOVE IT HEREEEE !! OKAY! OKAY!

First of all I do think it’s VERY sweet that Duck sounds like he’s about to cry in episode 6 it’s very sweet and very funny to me.

Second- I’ve seen a lot of takes on his weird little military thing!! The oddest of those takes (TO ME) has been the idea that he somehow served. At some point. In some sort of legitimate puppet war. MY interpretation of his little puppet thing tends to lend a bit closer to what you think!

So, personally, I see all three of them as autistic (big shocker) and his intense military interest (hyperfix maybe...) REALLY reads to me less like someone with actual experience with it, MORE like a violent, weirdo, shut-ins IDEA of what it’s like. Which makes sense to me! It’s a pretty apt combination of a lot of his expressed interests

(violence,

technology,

order/routine thing you pointed out,

repetition,

his recurring thing about respect

it’s like a perfect venn diagram of stuff he would be into! It makes a lot of sense to me, actually. I think he talks about the military the way we talk about the guys tbh like same hat different head type deal. In my head he's like. At his chair like WHO WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THE RUSSIAN MILITARY BEAR FROM WORLD WAR TWO FOR 45 MINUTES and YG is like YAAAAAAAAAY and RG is like you already. We’ve heard this one. We know how it goes. You don’t have to say it again.

I also think the routine thing is a very autistic thing lol! I know me personally, I like knowing what i Have To Do in a day or else I get kind of restless or aimless and I can’t handle myself well. Like, I’ve gone out before and had plans change on me suddenly and gotten so distraught at just the change in what we were Planning To Do that I almost cried and needed to sit quietly for a minute. From what I can tell it’s a pretty common autism thing!

So to me, the military thing is a hyperfixation for him + the strict adherence/ almost reverence of routine is just an autism thing. But that’s my take! :] Thanks for the message!!

#heeheehee i love getting questions about my favorite boy #i love that you guys are always asking me about my fav boy #be hooonest is it bc i have such a solid evidence based approach? i joke! i know it is! im great! #never lost a fight about this boy never WILL #my dhmis postings

[impunkster-syndrome]

I keep trying and failing to write about this over and over because I do have something to say about it but it is hard to put into words.

I'm pretty against "transRAMCOA" in use, as someone finding the evidence of RAMCOA in their system. But, it's more complex than that.

RAMCOA is notably very different than something like organic DID. There's even less information on it and more disinformation than reliable sources publicly available. It is genuinely very difficult to find sources on this. There have been decades-long and very effective disinformation campaigns to discredit RAMCOA victims since the 70s/80s. It's ableism that is so normalized that many people don't even know it is ableism.

When I was in tenth grade, I got a cult hyperfixation. I still check on that on and off for short periods, but has drifted to more deconverting from christianity, which takes years to unpack. It's not something you can just take off like a jacket- it infects you, especially with my upbringing being very abnormal compared to people who didn't experience this. Something felt like I had experienced that but I couldn't place why. At the time, I figured it was the school I was going to, which was a private school that had fundamentalist doctrine and abuse I experienced through the school year.

I believe that what you relate to can tell you about yourself in a deeper way than you yourself might to someone else. My identity as a Junko Enoshima was born from this. I related to the chronic feelings of emptiness and intense attachment to specific people. More, too, but it didn't just turn out to be "I feel this way because I am Junko" but something deeper like "Junko is a pretty good representation of how I feel most of the time and my symptoms of BPD in her make me feel seen."

A "good faith" identifying as transRAMCOA that I have seen talked about in non-tumblr radqueer spaces is when people are not sure of their RAMCOA history. For those people, I can understand the reasoning behind that but do not support the use of the term or framework of "transitioning," instead please talk to a cult or trauma specialist and other victims. People largely don't understand RAMCOA or cults as it is, from both misconceptions and disinformation, so this just adds to that. There's also the fact that denial programs are a thing and this may be the closest someone can get to acknowledging RAMCOA due to the effect of the program.

But, "bad faith" identities like seeing it as a kink, cults as fictional, just a wanting to have that trauma if you know for sure you did not experience it, etc, poison the above reasonings. You can have kink fantasies about cults that would be related to sadomasochism or control (You ever hear of master/slave dynamics? Not my kind of thing but if people are into it of legal age and have the ability to consent, set limits, and negotiate before play, go for it), but the principle of informed consent and safety measures like aftercare and safewords (Yes, even for nonsexual kink) set it apart from actual abuse like RAMCOA. It's very telling how you see RAMCOA and kink itself if you think these are the same thing or even can be.

RAMCOA has infected every part of my life. It's not something I can put away. It's likely what gave me paraphilias in the first place. I have gaps in my memory and I can't exactly recall what little I do have easily, but have to do so through triggers/questions. For years I have never gotten a complete night of sleep possibly because of it. There's people here who automatically tell me that my dreams mean nothing and my suspicions of RAMCOA are unfounded because they are programmed to. All the complex and "weird" things about my system are very indicative of RAMCOA to the point it would hinder more than help to deny it.

I guess having complex feelings on this sucks but you do not want this to happen to you as an experience. The number of times I have seen my own organs and those of others in headspace as well as one guy getting dismembered should be disturbing, but it does nothing to me now. I'm desensitized to most gore at this point. Someone always dies with headspace parties, usually with poison.

If you find yourself relating to RAMCOA survivors, do a deep dive as to why. It could be for a lot of reasons, or it might actually be because you are a RAMCOA survivor.

#ramcoa #anti radqueer

[abbynx]

Marriage with Rohan Kishibe

I love him so so much I was hit by a sudden urge to write for him in the midst of my Riddler Hyperfixation that's how powerful Rohan is

Just a fun bullet point headcanons with a bunch of compiled drabbles because I do so adore the mangaka so I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.

I'd like to think that this can be an expansion of my old Rohan headcanon so yeah

💚 Y/N L/N is the sane roommate of Rohan Kishibe, at least that's what the rest of the neighborhood of Morioh thought due to the fact you display unorthodox manners of how one would assume couples would act. Keep in mind though, this was only the time where Rohan has yet to put a ring on it, but everyone thought you were Rohan's chill roommate that keeps him in check for most of the time if you're not attending to your life outside of Rohan.

But once they found out, some began to at least make sense of how the two of you are together. Koichi pointed out just how you seamlessly complement one another, how you can easily stabilise Rohan's 'Rohanness' just then Josuke and Okuyash started to see it.... That doesn't mean it will stop them from feeling sorry for you.

Sometimes, I mean when you have no one else to fall back to, you may mention issues with Rohan in a passing, nonchalant manner before you move on with another topic as if the information you just dropped was something out of a mundane life. It was Rohan you were talking about and his bizarreness may vary from the ends of extremes.

💚 I'd like to think you had fallen first, but Rohan fell harder. And once he realised his feelings for you, oh he was hellbent on keeping you. He was very determined and had gotten straight to the point when it came to ask you if you would fancy a relationship with him. He was sure you would accept, he wouldn't have any interest with you at all when he knows the sentiment is not mutual anyways.

"I admire you, Y/N."

He dared not to dilly dally the moment you arrived at the arranged venue he asked you to attend. You hadn't even taken a seat yet when Rohan suddenly drops this bomb on you. The mangaka did not feel dread when he was met with your silence, perhaps his sentence was vague and can be interpreted in any way.

"Why don't you take a seat first?" He gestures at the chair across him, before returning to his stance of having his elbows proposed against the table and his chin in his palm. "I've been meaning to tell you that the moment I found out last night."

You soften up. "Oh Rohan, I admire you too—"

"Not that way," he interjects, sensing the platonic interpretation in your tone. He then leans forwards, holding the table, his voice heavy on romantic emphasis. "I like you. I have feelings for you. I have fallen for you. Is that clear enough?"

Rohan was as cool as ever when he was once again met with you silence. Receiving such a revelation at a short period may be less easy for others to process and so he patiently awaits for your response.

"I... The feeling is mutual... Yeah..." you averted your gaze, evading his intense stare.

"Well then. What happens now?"

💚 What happens next, well, firstly he would have always been there by your side but there are times where he certainly falls short-- his manga keeping him from fully pouring his attention to you alone that sometimes he puts his manga first. There was an instance he forgot about an important date you set up for the two of you and he was not proud of that. But since then, he always tries his best to balance you and his works.

"I... I do not know what to say... I am so sorry I forgot about our date, I have no excuses at all. I promise this will not happen again. Let me make it up to you. Please..."

If you want him to kneel, he would in a heartbeat. He was that determined to keep you, but it was a lapse of time that was his mistake that he intends never to repeat again.

💚 Grand gestures of his love can vary at times, but the grandest of gestures are mostly reserved in private. One moment he would be snarky towards you, but the moment someone tries to steal you away, he is going to show them just how much of a simpleton they are compared to him by treating you like royalty. And it wasn't a matter of showing the other person that he is better than them (although, he already knows he is lmao) but the fact he can treat you better, best.

"Really Rohan?" You chuckled when you he secured his arms around your midsection. He just had to pull you in the middle of a circumstance and just before that he had sighed in annoyance when you had told given him a diabetic nickname. Rohan simply buried of face against your back, grumbling incoherently.

💚 Always at a constant need of new experience he can adapt into manga material, he often strings you along these trips because he genuinely wants to experience these new things with you as well. Sometimes these trips were spontaneous decisions, those who are uncomfortable with a sudden shift of schedules are in trouble because of that but once Rohan comes to know that discomfort, he would make sure the next time he intends to take you with him in these trips, was to make it known in advance.

Just so you know, the trips will not be the same without you. But he will not let that feeling be known... Directly, at least.

💚 But if you do come along...

Rohan had said nothing about where would you be heading, but judging by his vehicle of choice, it was just nearby. He said it was a surprise. He takes you on a motorcycle ride by the scenic road by the sea, with you seated behind him, arms wrapped around his waist. You sigh in content, nuzzling your face against the back of his shoulders, unaware of the smile etching within Rohan's countenance, soft from your gesture.

"Where are we going exactly?" Your voice was muffled against him.

"You'll see."

Upon arriving at a certain spot, you were caught off guard when you saw a picnic set up under a shade of a tree by the shore. You couldn't help but to smack Rohan by the shoulder with a smile.

"So this is what your hiding from me?" You lean your head against his shoulder, taking his hand in yours.

"It wouldn't be called a surprise if I told you." He smirks, before leading you by the hand to the set up.

💚 Unbeknownst to you, Rohan had asked Koichi a favour. Something Koichi can't refuse, due to the fact that he finds it adorable but he really doesn't know how to organise a romantic picnic by the seaside so Koichi had to ask help from Yukako, Josuke and Okuyasu. Funny little tidbit, Yukako initially thought Koichi was setting up the picnic for the two of them... Josuke had to explain to the girl bevahse Koichi was stuck on words.

Just so you know, Josuke was not doing this for Rohan, because in a way, he was seeing that he is doing this for you. Koichi is just happy to do favours for Rohan and if Koichi's happy, Yukako is happy. Meanwhile, Okuyasu was merely sulking and begrudgingly helping with the set up.

Once they heard the motorcycle, they hid behind a nearby shrubbery... And now, they are now tasked to take pictures.

💚 His top one love language has to quality time. The knowledge of knowing you're there in the same space as he is grants him a piece of mind to know that there can be people who can stand to exist next to him. Joking aside, he likes your presence lingering beside him, so that there will be someone to respond to what's supposed to be questions for himself asked outloud becomes a question for you.

"Say, what do you think may be the worst pain I can inflict on my protagonist that shall impact them for the rest of the narrative?" Rohan asked, not looking up from his pencil work.

"Physical?" You briefly glanced from your book to look at your boyfriend.

"I was thinking emotional."

"Betrayal?" You suggested.

Rohan seems to take it into consideration from the way his unfocused gaze became analytic, before nodding. "I'll see what I can do with it. Thank you."

Aaaaand suddenly he was winning another award because he decided to follow your suggestion.

💚 He loves act of service. He adores it when you would go out of his way to do things for him, those things being chores, along with the thoughtfulness of you bringing him food while he's working as he does get a little into deep his drawing that he forgets to refuel.

And in his gratitude, he gives you gifts. Not just out of gratitude, really, he just loves giving you things, especially those you love.

💚 When it comes to physical affections, he is like a cat. Not the type of cat that hisses when you lay a finger on them no, he's the type who will just allow himself to be scooped up and cuddled and will fall limp and look as though he does not enjoy it. Do not be fooled, he loves the attention. But when it came to him seeking physical attention, he will shamelessly drape himself across your lap and if you don't dare to stroke his head he will threaten to push a cup off a table and will sulk.

💚 Words of affirmation comes to him naturally, second nature even and he means every single one of it. If it's not snark coming from his mouth, it is his utmost love for you.

💚 A life with Rohan? In Morioh? Oh the hijinks had doubled.

You were calm. You promised to be calm just so you can listen to Rohan explain himself. But the longer he talked, your barely concealed anger became less restrained.

"You failed to notice the house was BURNING?!" You intend to keep your cool, when your voice uncontrollably rises another octave with rage.

"Y/N I assure you, it was more than just a game--!" He flinches away out of fear, something only apparent to you as those who do not know him the way you do appears to be nonchalant.

"YOU LET THE HOUSE BURN DOWN??? FOR A GAME???" You had both hands raised midair, a great sense of control was holding you back from wrapping your fingers around his neck, fingers shaking from the restraints.

"I CANNOT LET HIGASHIKITA WIN! NOT ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE MIGHT BE FOUL PLAY AT HAND!"

"OH SO YOU SUSPECT HE'S CHEATING BUT YOU STILL TRIED TO WIN AGAINST HIM?!"

Or alternatively...

"You sold the house?!"

You supported Rohan in his noble but albeit self-serving task of buying a piece of land, saving the natural beauty of the trees to save them from the grubby hands of a corporation intending to make a resort... But the sell your whole ass residence?

"I have. Along with some properties."

You had to have a double take. YOUR PROPERTIES?!

Before you can ask, he further clarifies. "Except for my wedding band and your belongings, of course. I had them sent to your hometown."

Oh he'd be fucking dead, close casket dead, if he were to sell his own wedding ring for manga material.

"But why did need to you sell the house?"

"For the forest." He says.

"The forest?" At this point, you were manic with madness you couldn't help but to smile widely.

"And two hills." He adds, thinking it would justify him.

"Here, I have saved a couple of funds for you to use. Maybe you can stay over with your friends for awhile." He takes your hand and places a wallet on your palms. "Meanwhile, I'll be staying with Koichi."

"Rohan..."

"Y/N please... This something important to me. I promise this will be over soon."

Eventually, you just sighed. This was the life you accepted and you will be sticking with it. It was just another part of Rohan you will be living with... But he did promise this will not last for long.

"Fine."

Pressing a kiss against your forehead, he pats you by the shoulder before turning away. "Let's not keep your bus waiting, then. I've already packed for you."

"Promise me you'll watch over yourself?"

He scoffs, rolling his eyes. "Oh please, you think of me as a child?"

The way you narrowed your eyes at him, tells him that was not the answer you were looking for. He sighs and nods begrudgingly.

💚 It did not take long for him to board the nearest bus out of impulse when weeks went by and dropped himself off to your friend's house because he misses you. The first thing he does was to play it cool appear civil with your friend before he hopes for you to take him in his arms, because he dare not make the first move to appear desperate. You're aware of this. Do whatever you will with this information. Grant him this chance or watch him squirm.

#x reader #fluff #jjba part 4 #jojos bizarre adventure diamond is unbreakable #thus spoke kishibe rohan #rohan kishibe x reader #kishibe rohan x resder #duwang gang #romance

[metalheadmickey]

it's tag game tuesday wednesday THURSDAY. fandom edition, baby! thank you to our beloved @celestialmickey for kicking it off and for tagging me, and also to @energievie & @tanktopgallavich !! 💛💛

your name: jessie

your age: 33

your first fandom(s): i usually say supernatural, but fuck it, i think it was spartacus. i may have engaged with it in a very different way, but i was hyperfixated as hell. i went to my first and only fan conventions. by myself! i never want to go to fan conventions! so yeah. spartacus.

your current fandom(s): shameless, and to a lesser degree these days, supernatural

how did you first get into fandom? hyperfixated on a show, stumbled upon the fandom side of tumblr, did not make a tumblr but lurked a little bit, decided fic was cringey and that i didn't like reading it (it was a v small fandom with not a lot of quality content), hyperfixated on another show and decided to try reading fic again, had my entire world rocked to its core, made a blog, been around ever since.

how long have you been engaging with fandom spaces? like nine years?

how often do you read fanfics? i'd say every day, usually when i'm in bed.

top 3 characters from your current fandom(s): mickey milkovich, dean winchester, castiel.

have you ever written a fic for a fandom? if so, shout it out! i sure have!

have you ever drawn fanart for a fandom? if so, drop a link! nope!

share a personal headcanon that you feel very strongly about: mickey was thinking about yevgeny when he and ian had the parenthood conversation in 11x12.

you’re trying to convince a friend to get into your current fandom(s) with you. what episode, clip, or scene are you showing them? okay so i actually did this with one of my closest irl friends and she got...possibly more into supernatural than i am, and she reads destiel fic, and has had intense gallavich fic phases as well. and it was actually super easy lol. she just has the same kind of brain that i have, and i just had to tell her to watch the shows because i knew they'd fuck her up the same way they fucked me up. she saw my reaction after november 5th 2020 and wanted to know everything, so i told her everything, and she started watching spn the next day. i watched shameless a couple months later and lost my entire mind, and all i had to do was tell her that she NEEDED to watch it, and she started watching it right away. i think if i had to show her a specific scene though, it probably would've been mickey coming out in 4x11. iconic, legendary. she would've eaten that up even with no context. also special shoutout to this friend, because she's the person who taught me to not be embarrassed about being interested in fic, or fandom in general. i always thought she was so brave for being open about her hyperfixations in her everyday life, like for real lol. i still struggle with it, but i've gotten more open about it because of her.

and finally, what does fandom mean to you? a community of some of my best friends, and the place where i learned that i can actually be a creative person. i'm doing all kinds of fulfilling things with my life because of this space 🥹

tagging @howlinchickhowl @whatwouldmickeydo @gardenerian @gallawitchxx @heymrspatel @whatthebodygraspsnot @you-are-so-much-better-than-that @iansfreckles @squidyyy23 @auds-and-evens @mishervellous @7x10mickey @lalazeewrites and anyone else who wants to play 🖤🖤🖤

#tag game tuesday! 💛 #tag game #if anyone else tagged me to do this and i didn't see it i'm sorry! tumblr hasn't been consistently notifying me of mentions

[catboii]

((just a "little" (ha) update I guess, nothing major, just a note that I'm sorry if I post alot this week with seemingly no regard for my/my muse's vast presence on the dash, or if I end up writing alot of short weird drabbles to vent.... if there's questionable stuff it'll be tagged like always <3

I understand if you need to unfollow me to keep your dash clear for other people if you're mobile etc. or if you need to blacklist my muse's url for a bit if it's overwhelming

After xmas everything may have settled and if you wanna refollow then I'd welcome you back and wouldn't ask any questions. your comfort (whatever that may classify as in the context) is my utmost priority!

normally I try not to clutter, and I try to keep general post reblogs minimal and just queue most of them. I'm just... not doing too good rn

then again it's a 50/50 that I'll be posting nothing at all, just making my muse's presence known if it wants to sorta wave at someone from the depths of my brain hell jail.

I'll still be checking in around xmas stuff bc this muse gives me v happy bubbly vibes whenever I write it and that's honestly what I need rn.

I'm sorry if your muse reblogs/replies to one of mine's posts or smth and I seemingly glance over it. I genuinely just didn't see it. I always try and respond to stuff, or if it doesn't know how to reply I at least acknowledge that my muse saw it by liking it. but I might not have the mental capacity to actually keep up w stuff

...

BASICALLY I'm either gonna be kinda quiet or rly hyperfixated on not being in my own head for the next week or so.

I'm obv stressed anyway bc I need to do xmas shopping still and it's a struggle bc online it probs won't come in time. we're going "late night shopping" on thursday though so hopefully we can get a bunch of stuff then

but mainly an old work friend of mine passed away today. He's been unwell for a few years, and I dunno if he knew what it was and was just keeping it quiet, or if they genuinely couldn't work it out. last I heard he was getting MRIs.

I had a complicated relationship w him (positive) bc he was either bipolar or had BPD like me (although he wasn't diagnosed with either, but it was obvious he at least had bipolar), and if you know anything abt BPD you know what an FP (favourite person) is, and we were sort of each other's when we were working together? I think. like I say he wasn't diagnosed, but it felt like that. we hit it off really quick and were both really comfortable with each other, and he was just the sweetest most supportive person. he was one of my FPs, which basically means my brain was cursed to be in intense friendlove with him. He would tell me that he loved me and appreciated my friendship, was always saying you need to tell people you love them, however you can, however you mean it, because you don't know if you'll ever get to tell them again

he always showed off the little things I made him and made sure everyone knew exactly where he got the silly little origami animals on his desk, or who made his juggling balls that were his favourite thing in the whole world bc I made them for him by hand, and picked the fabric out specifically for him.

One time around xmas, bc of covid, we had these big plastic screen dividers between our desks and I used posca paint pens to draw him a HUGE Robin in a scarf and santa hat (his name was Robin and people always got him little Robin themed things, he loved them) on the one by his manager desk, like a name tag, but Facilities told him he needed to clean it off and chastised him thinking he did it, and you're "not supposed to vandalise work equipment" even though they're literally washable and it was xmas. we were sticking decorations everywhere, how is it any different? but he played along but he was really mad. He didn;t wanna say it was me that did it, because he thought I might've gotten in trouble, but he also wanted to argue that I'd put alot of work into it. I hadn't put that much in, it was just for fun and I liked drawing it, and he got to see it! That was the important part. and I said so. but I cleaned it off and drew him a new Robin on a piece of paper and he kept it at his desk like a retired picket sign, and told the story to anyone who would be polite enough to listen

mostly though, he gendered me correctly (and he was in his 60s so being so passionate abt they/them pronouns was just really sweet, though he was clearly bi but still in the closet, so it was maybe a little projection, in a way, or just straight up quiet queer solidarity), and literally agressively made sure everyone else did too, when he realised I'd been just letting people at work use whatever pronouns, he got really proactive and made sure all my paperwork was marked as "them" officially (with my permission). if anyone misgenered me he would get visably annoyed or disgusted, and there were a couple people who "forgot" (every time) and he actually got angry at them about it and reported them for harassment, which might've been a little extreme, but I honestly felt so validated, and I'm tearing up thinking about it. I don't think anyone's ever fought that hard in my corner, especially after only knowing me for, at that point, less than a year.

We worked together in a couple different parts of the business for a couple years, until some stuff happened that I shouldn't say bc I need my rp blog(s) to stay far away from my professional life, but we were gonna be working together doing something else, but it wasn't his thing, it was stressful and there were other reasons, but he just lost it and walked out.

we had a little joke when we were training before he left, he had this soft toy robin that he let me borrow because I was really anxious, and I gave it a little notepad and pencil and wrote something silly on it for when he got it back each time. usually some out of context joke on what we learned that day, so we could both laugh about it. but when he left I still had it, and I messaged him saying I would get it back to him sometime, but he said to keep it to remind me of him.

I put it away to keep it safe, but I'm gonna have to go and find it, because it's one of the only physical things I have left of him.

#ooc post. #.vat file #rl illness ment- #rl death ment- #readmore. #I think I'm ok for now. I'm sorry about the stuff mentioned at the top but I'm not sorry this post is so long. for once. #you don't have to read it. but if you do? then hey. thanks. we're besties now. #I had a little rant about him and it's cathartic but I'm trying not to break down tbh #I think just expressing how much I loved him helps. he was just. so pure and wholesome in reality. #always showing how much he appreciated people...

[aroaceconfessions]

I have IDd as arospec for a while now (still do, sometimes I feel like specifying and sometimes I don't) and I'm also neurodivergent, and sometimes I wonder if those two are connected for me. A major part of how my brain works is that I am usually thinking, feeling and aware of a lot of things at once. I don't look at them from both sides, I look at them from 4.817.36 sides. However, I have trouble getting an overview over the information in my head, putting it in some kind of order. Basically it's like I'm always in the centre of a tornado and EVERYTHING is flying around me in circles and I see all the different things caught in the storm, and I've gotten very good at taking them all in and estimating where I am and what kinds of and roughly how many items I'm surrounded by most of the time, but it's not like ... exact. And most of the time I couldn't tell you if I've seen more bricks or more branches unless there's an absolutely overwhelming amount of branches, just that I'm seeing lots of bricks and branches so I'm assuming the storm has passed houses and trees, possibly the park because I think I saw one of those park benches and now that I think about it I think I've been seeing more branches in the last few minutes so maybe we actually just passed the park, speaking of the park, I just randomly remembered how I used to -

You get the picture. It's the same with emotions. I'm pretty good at identifying what I'm feeling, but unless there's one very obviously strong emotion, I am bad at telling you if I feel mostly good or mostly bad. It's not that black and white you know. (Which is hilarious because one of my best friends is also neurodivergent and has one emotion at a time and thinks in absolutes way more, so when I recount complex emotional stuff to her she goes back and forth between Things Are Good and Things Are Bad and eventually lands at Things Are Good when I'm done processing and say "But it's fine lol.")

And I wonder if maybe part of my arospec-ness is due to attraction rarely being just one emotion. There's so many different ways to be attracted to someone, and it's different and unique with every person, so how could I possibly just disregard most of my feelings and only focus in on the romantic part. That's just not how my brain works. It feels like cutting a part of myself off.

And sometimes I just wonder if maybe (NT?) Allo people have similar attraction and emotions to me but they're better at and feel more comfortable with doing some convergent thinking and summarising their feelings as "I am romantically in love" and genuinely feel like that encompasses most of their feelings. Then again I do also experience romantic crushes differently because they're not this ... All-encompassing thing, they don't take over my entire life. And I can very much hyperfixate (including on people) and have poorer impulse control than most people, yet romance has never been this intense obsessive thing for me. It's just... One of many feelings I can have for people, it doesn't occur alone with no other kinds of attraction, it doesn't fill up my entire brain, but it's there. It's really just a small part of the whole.

So I still feel more comfortable IDing as arospec, even though I do experience romantic attraction to some degree (and it fluctuates). Sometimes I just wonder if my feelings are all that different from those of an allo person or if I just process, weight and interpret them differently because I don't usually identify a "pain part", especially not long-term. I don't know. Orientation is weird. I'd still rather not label, like, 90% of my relationships.

#aro #aromantic #aspec #arospec #neurodivergent #neurodiverse #questioning

[love-advice-on-call]

hi! I’m a junior in Highschool right now, and this person I’ve liked for a while now asked me out, and I said yes! I’ve like them for quite some time, and we’ve been good friends for even longer. But my issue is that Im not very good at processing my emotions (I think). Whenever I have any intense emotion, wether it be excitement, dread, anxiety, anger, giddiness, etc, i get this tightness in my chest. And this also goes for my hyperfixation, where just thinking about it makes me feel like my esophagus is getting squeezed. I’ve gotten better at determining the “good tighness” and the “bad tightness”, but usually the good leads to the bad because, well the tightness gets worse the longer I think about my partner. BUT I REALLY LIKE THEM HES THE MOST AMAZING PERSON EVER HES SO SWEET AND FUNNY AND HAS THE DORKIEST LAUGH AND THEYRE SO PRETTY!! So I don’t not like them that’s not the problem, but I’m worried that I’ll just think the wrong thing and it will turn sour? I’m sorry this is very discombobulated and scrambled, good luck decoding this if you decide to and thank you in advance if u do ♥️😭

Hello! Sorry for the late reply, I came down with a sinus infection for the first time ever so I needed some time to adjust. I'm OK if you're wondering!

Now I'm no doctor or psychiatrist, but it sounds like to me that you have anxiety.

Feeling that intensely and your feelings being magnified is usually associated with being anxious. But the biggest indicator to me is your esophagus feeling squeezed. I've got a couple of friends with anxiety so bad that they need medication and they usually say they feel that exact feeling.

Being worried about thinking the wrong thing or messing things up is very normal. Especially for new relationships no matter how old you get or how experienced you are, but I can image that it feels even stronger when you feel your emotions so intensely all the time.

For now, what I recommend is that you try to pick up some tools to deal with your anxiety. That means things like reading articles/books on managing your emotions and understanding what you are going through. You can also try mindfulness meditation as I have personally found that it helps to stop me from spiraling when I get too fixated on something. There are videos on YouTube for that and plenty of meditation apps available. I know all of this may be really lame, but it does help in the long run from personal experience. This isn't something that can be fixed over a message on Tumblr and does take time and practice to learn to live with.

Great articles written by mental health professionals can be found here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=anxiety&op=Search§ion=All&page=0

If you are feeling open to it or feel that it may be necessary, then you can always bring up to your partner how you are feeling. I don't mean you tell them every time you feel scrambled or worried that you did the wrong thing because then it is going to happen A LOT. What I mean is that you could tell them that you do feel emotions intensely and that you get the feeling in your esophagus so they can better understand what you go through because it's always important for your partner to know what lens you experience life from. From there, you two can have a better understanding of each other and maybe he can take steps to re-assure you from time to time.

When you get older, you should also look into getting into therapy to dig deeper into why you feel the way you do. I think you may find that the way you feel is more common than you think and more manageable than what you've had to experience so far.

Posted October 3, 2023

#advice #love advice #relationships #relationship advice #relationship help #anxiety #sinus infections are weird and make my teeth hurt

[meepmorpperaltiago]

Slipping Through My Fingers All The Time

I started a marvel binge about a month ago and I’ve been hyperfixating on spideychelle for a while now – so I started this fic and then realised the last prompt of @mjweek fit perfectly! This is a crazy long fic by my standards but I hope you like it!

The first time May hears Michelle Jones’ name is after the Washington Incident. She doesn’t particularly register it, not with everything else happening in their lives at that point. She’s just another one of his classmates, only just edging into the category of “friend”, if something like that can even be categorised at all.

She doesn’t hear the girls’ nickname for a while either.

Until one day, when Peter casually asks: “Would you mind if MJ slept over along with Ned?”

“MJ?”, she questions, turning towards him with a puzzled look.

“Michelle Jones... you know, the new Academic Decathlon Captain? Her friends call her MJ and now I guess Ned and I allowed to call her that since we’re her friends”.

She seems to bond to their group increasingly after Homecoming and then after the Blip. She’s not rude by any means, but she doesn’t really say a lot in comparison to her friends, so May doesn’t ever particularly chat to her in any depth beyond polite greetings and queries about being picked up after late night study -sessions-turned-sleepovers.

But as a platonic trio, the three of them seem to be on good ground.

Looking back, she’s not sure she could pinpoint when exactly when the true shift happened.

Slowly but steadily, Peter mentions her more and more in a way he’s never talked about any other friend before, even more than he used to mention Liz. It reaches a point where she expects to hear about the latest “badass” thing that MJ did whenever she asks him how school was that day, right alongside tales of their gang’s usual exploits and the regular gossip of Midtown. It’s not to an unhealthy or obsessive extent, but it’s enough for her to realise that something must be going on between them, even if it’s just a spark.

Not wanting to put pressure on Peter to talk about it, she waits patiently for her suspicions to be confirmed, because she becomes more and more certain every day that there’s something there.

A few weeks before the big school trip to Europe and what they’re both hoping will be a much deserved break, she comes home to Peter furiously scribbling something onto a scrappy frayed bit of paper, his entire face scrunched into fierce concentration.

“Are you designing a new suit or something?”, she casually asks, that being the only thing she can think of in spite of her nephews’ lack of artistic talent.

“Oh no”, is his slightly shy response. “It’s just... a plan...”

That confuses her even more and she sits down beside him, finally looking at what he’s been writing down whilst asking him: “a plan for what? World domination? Have you decided to go all angsty hero turned supervillain on us?”

He laughs at that and then explains himself. “I really like MJ. I wanna tell her how I feel in Europe and I thought it would be better to just write it down rather than winging it. I tried to just be honest with her earlier today and after I said that I had something I wanted to tell her I kind of froze... and ran... very fast... and elephant like... a lot of people stared, it was very noisy and embarrassing.”

She sits with him for about an hour after that, helping him to develop his pretty loose plan into something more concrete. She also had the sad thought that if Tony was still around he would’ve been all over this situation, helping Peter. It’s yet another figure in his life who will never be there for the big moments, but all she can do is try her best for him, like she has done since he was 4 years old and they all realised his parents’ weren’t coming back from that damn plane crash.

In the end, the trip of course gets derailed by (what else?) more superhero stuff and even before what follows a few weeks later, she feels awful that he can’t take a pause from stress and danger for even two weeks, at the age of just 16. He’s still just a kid, but the weight of the world never seems to lift from his shoulders.

But the one positive is that it looks like he didn’t need the plan. When they’re driving home from the airport, the first thing he talks and talks and talks about is everything that happened with him and MJ. Apparently she loved the necklace even though it was broken, they kissed 3 times on Tower Bridge (and a few more times on the way home) and now they’re going on a date soon. She questions if swinging around New York might be a bit intense, but he shrugs her off, saying that it’ll be fine.

She finds out later that it wasn’t fine, but everything that follows after their date completely crashes into everything and makes that detail anecdotal.

Everything changes after Mysterio’s video – at first he runs for far too long and she’s so worried and it breaks her heart to read all the awful, untrue things that damn Daily Bugle keeps on pumping out. The physical copy would be better off used as toilet paper in her opinion (she can’t think of anything as witty for the more popular digital version, but she’s trying). They all meet with him undercover, sporadically, supporting him in whatever way they can.

After an adventure involving Dr Strange (she’s proud of the fact that learnt his name properly now) and weirdest of all several other Spider-Men, he finally comes home and even though everything is still completely uprooted and unstable, at least she has him back now.

For everything that still comes afterward, for every run in with photographers and crazed fans and every time the danger they’re all in now that the world knows becomes apparent, she’s there to pick him back up. And MJ and Ned are too.

She notices that he comes back from patrols even later and when she talks to him about it he admits with a shy blush that he’s been stopping by MJ’s room every night for weeks now. It all seems very Romeo and Juliet. She also chuckles when it’s brought up in conversation with MJ’s mother, because of course she knows he’s there when they think they’re being so sneaky and secretive. How he managed to keep his identity hidden for so long, she’ll never know.

Over time, she gets to know MJ pretty well too: she learns that she’s smart and fierce and sarcastic and cynical in a way that balances Peter’s eternal sunshine perfectly. They really do fit together like pieces of an extremely adorable puzzle.

Her usually mended heart breaks a little when she realises how well she would’ve gotten along with Ben. But eventually she puts that thought away in a precious mental box, carefully kept and full of now bittersweet memories. She simply allows herself to share in her nephews’ new found and long overdue joy.

She truly realises the depth of their feelings for each other in unfortunate to say the least circumstances. A hammering from the Green Goblin puts him in hospital unconscious for a week even with his advanced healing abilities and MJ won’t leave his side for a second, holding onto the broken black dahlia necklace like it’s the only thing anchoring her to reality even after Ned has finally been persuaded to go home to bed. They sleep in plasticky, slightly sticky and hard hospital chairs right next to each other and when Peter finally wakes up the next afternoon he looks so happy to see the 3 people he loves most in the world carefully watching him.

She’s never seen him more scared than the first time a bad guy kidnaps MJ. They were aware that something like this was likely, the girl even prepared herself with self defence classes and her boyfriend is a literal freakin’ superhero. But still, when he finds her, May can see through the security footage that her and Ned are nervously watching, that he holds her with such relief, like she’s the most precious thing in the world.

They of course go to senior prom together and take the classic photos before they go — it’s incredibly corny but their radiant smiles put a bright grin on her face too.

They go long distance for college and although they’re both worried about growing apart, they seem to just get closer, moving into a cramped apartment in their second year.

She comes over for dinner (Peter has always been a disaster in the kitchen, but MJ’s competent enough to keep them from completely living off take out) and the three of them chat and laugh together and they’re not even out of college yet but MJ already feels like family.

What she doesn’t expect is for him to call her at 2am, in floods of tears, barely able to explain to her what happened except “I’ve fucked everything up, oh my god, I’ve fucked everything up...”

Eventually May gets a bigger picture through his tears (“it’s so stupid”, he hiccups down the phone). Essentially it all boils down to a lack of communication and small things boiling over into a blow out fight. Now she’s walking out in sheer anger and he’s frozen in panic. May feels panicked too, feeling the pressure of giving Peter the right advice when she’s honestly not sure how she would handle the situation. He might be all grown up, at college with a long term living together relationship, but sometimes she’s reminded of how young he still is.

She ends up telling him to run after MJ and apparently he does just that, rushing out into the pouring rain and kissing her through tearful apologies from both of them in what sounds like something straight out of a rom com. After that, they get better at sharing how they’re feeling and their relationship seems all the better for it.

She gives him her old engagement ring just after their two year anniversary of living together, after he comes to her apartment with an excited grin, telling her that he wants to propose. An everlasting symbol of her old love, of the love her and Ben shared, that their child can now share with the love of his life.

“So what’s your big plan?” she asks him excitedly over coffee in the mug he bought her a few birthdays back.

“Well, she hates public proposals, so I can’t do that – I was thinking of doing something at home, something cosy...”

That’s exactly what he does.

May helps him with his plan, just as she did 5 years ago – except this time she’s a little bit more directly involved.

Luckily, May and MJ already have a regular rom com night every few weeks, so MJ isn’t too surprised or suspicious when she invites her ‘round for an afternoon of Bridget Jones. Just as the perpetually single heroine is giving birth to Colin Firth’s baby, she gets a thumbs up text from Peter, letting her know that he’s ready to go.

MJ took the bus here, so May suggests they go back to the apartment together, because she couldn’t bear the idea of not being around for what awaits MJ at home. MJ gives her a strange look but just rolls with it.

When MJ opens the apartment door after saying goodbye to May, the lights are dimmed, except for a glowing structure in the corner, which Peter comes out of grinning.

“I made you a fort!” he declares happily with his arms in the air. As MJ grins and laughs and kisses him as she jumps into his arms, she takes that as a cue to fully leave them alone.

She stands and waits and wonders what’s happening inside. She could see that he’d filled the inside of the fort with fairy lights and she knows that he was planning on ordering MJ’s favourite food (pepperoni pizza) and putting on a murder documentary she’d been talking about for weeks.

After what must’ve been the time for them to eat their pizza and watch the documentary, plus about 7 minutes give or take, they open the door. They both have tears in their eyes as MJ holds up her left hand to show May the newly placed ring on her finger.

They have placeholder seats in the ceremony, for everyone who���s not there, who would’ve been there. Who should’ve been there. Everyone lost isn’t forgotten and it’s as heartwarming as it is sad.

He goes back to May’s the night before the wedding out of superstition and tradition. She wakes him up pretty early and he complains until he realises what day it is. He shares a soft phone call with MJ as soon as he’s awake enough to hold a conversation, but May has no idea what’s being said, as she goes to the kitchen, wanting to give them both privacy.

She makes sure to tell Peter how proud she is of him when she’s helping him tie his tie like he’s back in high school and getting ready for Homecoming.

When he sees MJ walk down the aisle, they both look at each other like they’re being given the entire world.

Peter speaks first, nervously taking cue cards out of his pocket and saying: “MJ, I know that you hate clichés and corny lines, so I’m not going to use any. Instead, I’m just going to make a bunch of promises. I promise to support you and stand by your side, to have your back in the way that you always have mine. I promise to always be there to make you smile when you’re sad. I promise to watch scary horror movies with you, even if they really scare me. I promise not to spoil endings of things. I promise to love you forever.”

An already tearful MJ follows him with: “Peter, a long time ago, I told you that I don’t have much luck when it comes to getting close to people. But that’s not been true for a long time, thanks to you. Sorry to use clichés my vows after you cut them out of yours, but I feel so damn lucky to be marrying my best friend. I promise to stand by you and fight for you even when you’re being really stupid, I promise to support all of your nerdy stuff and most of all, I promise to always love you, dork”

May thinks back on everything her boy has suffered through, everything that has been put upon him for so long. Seeing him brimming with joy, gazing lovingly at his wife, surrounded by everyone who loves and supports them both, she bursts into tears herself.

It’s one of the happiest days of her life .It’s only matched by her both of her wedding days and the days that Benjamin Anthony Parker-Jones and Taylor-May Parker-Jones are born.

#mj week 2021 #spideychelle #peter/mj #mcu fanfiction #MCU #marvel

[shatouto]

“Anakin grips Obi-Wan’s shoulders, barely able to form words through the laughter – and laughter is contagious. They all but collapse against each other in the midst of the near-empty hallway, supporting each other through their laughing fit. Finally, Anakin manages to pull back and gather his breath, his face flushed like a pale dawn. His expression grows serious again, all signs of whimsical mischief fading like ripples smoothing out on the surface of a lake. He goes still as water on a windless day, bathed in the golden sun-glow and caught between light and shadow, the chiseled lines of his face thrown into sharp relief by the contrast. Anakin’s hands are still firmly gripping his shoulders – deliberate and strong, with the determination of a man, not a child. Anakin gazes at him as if nothing else in the universe exists, and Obi-Wan almost shivers.

“What if, as a Knighthood gift, I request to stay with you?”

Obi-Wan has expected a material gift – a rare power converter (he has gotten rather good at hunting those down, after several surprise Life Day gifts for Anakin), a new set of tools that better caters to Anakin’s ever-accumulating skills or even one of those fancy add-ons that automatically generates 3D blueprints from manual sketches. He has expected a trip – a vacation, or perhaps just a brief visit on Tatooine; Force knows how long Obi-Wan has imagined finally being able to accompany Anakin there and seeing the joy on his face. But this? This can’t be.”

For the Director’s Cut asks??? (This is one of my favorite bits from one of my favorite fics of all time 🥰💜)

aaaahh thank you so so so much for your kind words, and the ask!!!! (imma ramble so i’ll put it under the cut)

okay so, a little word about how i go about writing my stuff. i don’t really plan a lot of things ahead; most of the time i just have like One (1) line for each scene – so for the scene to which this snippet belongs, it was just “anakin’s knighting ceremony + gives padawan braid to obi-wan”. which is to say, this segment arose pretty naturally!! i didn’t really plan their conversation at all, i kinda just let the boys do their thing to lead into the padawan braid. it was a head-empty kinda moment where the characters took the lead and i just kinda acted as a conduit lol

i do wanna say though, i’ve always super super loved portraying companionship and camaraderie. it’s even more important to me than romantic elements, even in a romantic relationship. when i write romance, i prefer my characters to be best friends first, lovers second, and it’s just so so damn important to me that they can have moments of comfortable silence together, and banter and laughter. so, this moment, with the boys just lightheartedly fooling around with each other and laughing, is the kind of thing i enjoy seeing in pre-relationship and established relationship content

ah and, of course, there is everything about how obi-wan sees anakin as a grown man and is slowly beginning to fall in love with him as such! i didn’t really think of it in such analytical terms while writing, but now that i retrospectively think about it, i probably did mean for this scene to be transitional. just cutting a braid doesn’t make a boy a man, which is i think this moment is important for showing that anakin is already a mature adult who acts on his own motivations (i mean he has no qualms rebuking obi-wan’s suggestions lmao)!

also i’m a slut for show-don’t-tell so i mean, anakin using his once-in-a-lifetime Knighthood gift request to ask for nothing more than to stay in obi-wan’s quarters is just,,, my goodness. besotted baby boy. he’s such a smitten kitten. i love him. and obi-wan thinking it was a joke? that’s also just,,, trademark obi-wan obliviousness. they’re so dumb i adore them

and finally! the descriptive components… there’s the usual “compare anakin to nature” staple (i can never let go of this), there’s anakin’s absolutely intense gaze (i adore it, i try to incorporate it everywhere), there’s the foreshadowing of them going to tatooine later (lol), etc. i just really like casually yeeting in-universe fake jargon i made up (like the gifts that obi-wan contemplated giving anakin) into stories because, again, i’m a slut for show-don’t-tell and i have an inordinate love for jargon haha

anyway i have to finish this fic soon (bbe emoji) i still have a liiiittle more to go but i unfortunately has been hyperfixating on other stuff (which should also be finished soon, promise!) thank you for your support!

#ask #ask game #lmao i rambled #shatou.txt

[domesticmail]

scrapes

pairing: jj maybank x reader

word count: fuck if i know lmao

requested: nope!

summary: idk how i’d explain this one. reader is frustrated that the pogues keep treating her like a baby, so she takes things into her own hands, and when she gets hurt, things come to a head in the kitchen of The Chateau

warnings: ANGST. cursing, blood, and ANGST BABY ANGST

a/n: starts quick, gets sad/angry, ends content and kinda happy! also for reference the Pogues are all 17 and the reader is 16 here!! might make this a multiple part fic, who knows !!

Your feet hit the ground, rubber soles slamming against pavement. Broken pieces of road and rubble crunch under your feet. The sound of pebbles cracking under your weight is lost in the commotion of noises, your heart throwing itself against your ribcage, the friction of your hand sliding against a wall, cold air blowing in and out of your lungs.

Splinters embed in your skin as you scramble up the fence, wood cutting into the meat of your thigh. As your body hits the dirt, you swear you can feel the wound opening, blood painting the ground. A ringing fills your ears, but there’s not room in your schedule today to worry about that - you’re on a bit of a time constraint here, if you hadn’t noticed. With that in your mind, the panic of falling behind floods your veins, and you’re up again, sneakers throwing dirt and rocks in your wake as you high-tail it away from your bad decision.

Shouts come from behind you, telling you to stop, but clearly they haven’t gotten the message: you’re not sticking around. You round the corner and haul ass down a few twists and turns before finding your final destination, a friend’s house. You burst through the front entrance and slam it shut, leaning back against the front door, chest heaving.

John B. raises an eyebrow at you. “Woah. Hey, Y/N.”

You don’t respond - you’re busy doing that mental-checklist thing you always do.

Shoes? Ratty old converse, several years old, scuffed on the sides - but they were like that before. Check.

Cut on your leg? Not too big, hurts like a bitch, though. Can be fixed with a towel, rubbing alcohol, and some pressure. Check.

Any other cuts? Some splinters in your palms, yes, but nothing else major. Thank fuck.

A pat of your back pocket reveals that your wallet is still there, secure. Your earrings - still there. Phew. Necklace didn’t break or fall off when you hopped the fence? It’s still dangling around your neck, holy shit. Check. 

Aside from the cut and some flecks of dirt dug into the arm you landed on, you’re in remarkably good shape for someone running from hired security.

You shoot a grin at John B., who’s now been joined in his confusion by the rest of the group: Kie and Sarah looking worried, Pope looking exasperated and mildly concerned, and JJ looking very, very confused. Walking past them to the kitchen, you start rooting around for supplies to clean up your leg. Nobody’s said anything yet, and you know why. It’s not common for you to come home like this, out of breath, roughed up a little, bleeding. You can feel them holding their tongues, waiting for you to explain.

The silence stretches into uncomfortable territory. You’re too busy trying to fix your cut to care, really. You know what comes next, anyway - you’ve seen them do it to JJ about a thousand times. The quiet, palpable tension of concern, and then the inevitable eruption.

Just as you expect, as soon as you hop up on the counter and begin your at-home wound treatment, showing no signs of speaking first, everyone explodes at once.

John B. “So no explanation? You’re just gonna walk in here like this is normal?”

Kie. “What the hell, Y/N? We didn’t know where you were! You could’ve died!”

Pope. “That’s a huge cut, what is wrong with you? What were you doing that was so stupid you got a cut like that?”

Sarah. “We were so worried! You weren’t picking up! Are you okay?”

And, of course, JJ. “Who did this to you?”

You’re applying pressure to your leg (fuck, fuck, ow, fuck, shit, bitch, motherfucker no thank you, ow), listening to your friends voice their concerns, when something hits you - JJ thinks someone hurt you?

More importantly, why is JJ so angry about it?

You’d been expecting him to be the least concerned, to give you a high five or a compliment or at least a proud grin, but no, you’re facing anger, frustration, radiating off of him. This is unprecedented - you never thought you guys were close like that.

Don’t get it wrong, you’re close with all the Pogues, just as family as the rest of them - JJ just isn’t really your person. You tend to be glued to Sarah and Kie at the hips, tagging along with them when it’s not a whole-group outing, so their worry makes sense. (You usually tell them everything, like sisters, but a two-day long excursion to do some very reckless shit hadn’t felt like something you should tell them. They’d just try to convince you not to go, and you were having none of that, two mornings ago.) But JJ? If anything, you were each other’s least favorite Pogues. The youngest and maybe the most reckless of the group (excluding Pope), you’re typically the one who reminds JJ of all the stuff that can go wrong with his ideas and schemes. You would think he’d be glad to see you get into a bit of trouble.

But there he is, jaw clenched, those eyes fixed directly on yours. His neck’s gone all tight (you’ve been around him long enough to know that only happens when he’s angry; it’s a little endearing, actually, a little cute), the hand not placed protectively on your knee clenching into a fist laid on the counter. And there’s something in that touch, the way he’s got his hand on your knee - there’s affection there, emotion, something you’ve never felt from JJ before.

All of a sudden, it’s like the greatest hyperfixation in the world is JJ’s hands. They’re not soft, necessarily, not the type of hand you want to hold just because it feels like it’s gentle and kind. Maybe that’s why you’re so drawn to this weird, unexpected touch. You can feel the callouses on his palm pressing into the pink, scraped (oh, you missed a spot in your checklist, your knees look wrecked from that fall over the fence; probably shouldn’t do that again) flesh of your knee, the pads of his fingertips pulling your attention away from the group and to him.

To put it lightly: it’s a very intimate three seconds.

You want to disappear for a second, want to vanish in a puff of smoke and not exist, because the intensity with which he’s looking at you is scary. Not like you’ve done something wrong, but like whoever he thinks did this to you is going to pay, and pay a hefty fee at that.

You don’t like it. Not at all. You would do anything - anything - for him to never look at you like that. Like he’s going to kill someone.

“What - Nobody did this to me, JJ,” you scoff, matching his intense gaze with an annoyed look. “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine.”

He doesn’t look convinced. “You’re covering up for them. What did they say they’d do to you? I’ll do worse to them, Y/N, I swear, just tell me who did it.”

You scowl at him, scooting over to move your knee from his hand. This isn’t about you and JJ - this is about you wanting to prove yourself. This is about you showing them you’re not a baby. That you can handle yourself. Not that you need JJ to get all weird and protective over you. “I did this, JJ, back off. I don’t need you to be weird about it.”

The rest of the group has been quiet, but John B. pipes up. “He’s not being weird about anything. We were all worried.”

“I don’t need you guys to be worried about me. I’m fine.”

“You’re not fucking fine, you have a fucking cut on your leg - “

“I’m fine, JJ - “

“If you were okay you wouldn’t be fucking bleeding, Y/N - “

“Will you stop acting like I’m a child for two seconds? Nobody did this, it wasn’t Topper or Rafe or - “

It’s like a lightbulb goes on in JJ’s head. “It was Rafe, wasn’t it? I’ll fucking kill him, he has no right to put his hands on you - “

“JJ, shut the fuck up!”

He looks at you in stunned silence, leaning back a little as though your words had physically struck him. 

You’re fuming now, blood running hot. This is exactly why you didn’t tell them your plan - they’d start with this shit. The constant babying. You understand, they’re seventeen, you’re sixteen, you’re younger and they want to protect you, but jesus christ, it’s not like they had some worldly experience - they’re seventeen years old, for fuck’s sake. “Don’t use my actions as a reason for you to go beat up Rafe, JJ. I’m not a fucking excuse for you to get in a fight. I did this for a reason, so how about you leave me alone and let me get to it instead of acting like I’m a fucking child?”

Everyone is silent.

The group looks actually stunned, like they’ve all been sucker-punched. Where the hell did this come from? You’ve never yelled like that. You’ve never yelled, period. You’re never the angry one - you’re the quiet one, the one who would rather be helping at The Wreck or on the HMS Pogue than be at the Boneyard at a kegger. 

JJ, after the initial shock, looks even angrier now. He pulls away from you and storms off, running a hand through his blond hair. The sound of his shoes on the hardwood floor echoes through The Chateau, and you sit on the counter quietly, tears filling your eyes.

Not tears of sadness, though. You’re not sad.

You’re fucking angry. At all of them. For bringing you here. For pushing you to this point. For making you feel like a child. 

“You treat me like a kid,” you say quietly, but with force, scowling at your tears.

Sarah’s the first to approach, wrapping her arms around you softly. You want to push her away, to refuse the affection, but you don’t. You just accept the distance, reluctantly hugging her, resting your head on her shoulder and just breathing, breathing, breathing. Maybe the tears’ll go away if you just breathe.

Pope is the next, not Kie. (She’s still surprised that you yelled. The indignation of being yelled at is fading, her initial annoyance becoming gentle concern.) He envelops you and Sarah.

Kie joins next, and then John B., and it’s when you feel his hand on your back that your breathing, breathing, breathing, becomes choked sob after choked sob, cries wracking your body into Sarah’s shoulder. You feel like you’re breaking down into them all, like the anger is pouring out of you like a waterfall, just gushing and gushing and gushing. It’s so frustrating, so difficult, so annoying, you just can’t deal with it anymore.

You don’t know how long you’ve been crying when your sobs recede their way to gentle hiccups. Your face is dry from the tears, and when everyone pulls away, you see tears in Sarah’s eyes. She offers you a weak smile, one you return.

There’s a conversation then, right there in the kitchen. It’s not one full of anger, or sadness, or anything especially negative. It’s just tired. The words float out of your mouth - “I’m sorry” - and it’s like you’re disconnected from yourself. It lasts maybe twenty minutes, apologizing from all ends, promises to do better, and at the end, you feel so full of love that you’re nearly bursting at the seams. We’re family, we love each other, you could’ve just told us if we were being frustrating, reassurances floating their way through your head like water, pushing out all the anger. 

You don’t know how you ended up on the hammock with the rest of the group - excluding JJ - one arm thrown across John B., snuggled in with Pope, legs resting on Sarah and Kie’s, who are laying together the opposite way. The warmth of the sun on your arms and your friends around you is lulling you to sleep slowly, the hammock swinging gently from side to side.

You know you’re going to have to talk to JJ.

But you’re falling asleep now, and you’re losing your train of thought quickly, words floating into oblivion.

You’ll talk to JJ tomorrow.

For now, you’re going to sleep.

#obx #obx x reader #jj maybank x reader #outer banks #jj maybank #kiara carrera #sarah cameron #john b routledge #pope heyward #that's right babes this is ANGST #she's ANGRY #young!reader

[raevenlywrites]

Okay, so. The point I wanted to make earlier was something like this:

TL;DR: Not knowing that hyperfixations were a thing hurt me, and cost me not only enjoyment of a thing, but more serious social and emotional growth potential. More kids need access to a broader range of what Normal is, and Normal needs to be opened up and expanded to include things that are perfectly harmless because the harm of excluding those things is immeasurable.

(Did I just put a tldr at the START of my post? why yes I did. why? because i’m about to drop this entire damned ESSAY under a read more because it’s dash destroying (think of it as an abstract on a scientific paper) ... (no, it is nothing like an abstract on a scientific paper. wtf did I say that) ... (anyways))

(Can you tell its an ADHD night? are there enough parenthetical asides in this yet?)

...

(no)

.

ANYWAYS

When I was a teen, I read a book called In The Forests Of The Night. I’m sure you’ve heard me mention it before, but believe it or not, it was only TONIGHT that it occurred to me that this book and its fellows is my hyperfixation. Because, for the first TWO THIRDS OF MY LIFE, I didn’t know to think of myself as someone with hyperfixations. Hell, I didn’t even know what a hyperfixation was. I am one of the countless adults who has self diagnosed as ADHD or autistic or SOMETHING, and this is the story of how not having a diagnosis growing up hurt me.

So. I read this book. My now-wife-then-unbeknownst-crush gave it to me as part of our ignorant teen courtship. You’ll like this, she said, trying to share an interest with me in order to bond. Thank you, I said, not knowing I wanted to smooch her face. Unimportant, but I like reminding myself when I look at back my teen years how queer I already was without knowing. And this story is mostly for my benefit of getting it off my chest, so smoochy thoughts included.

So I read this book. It’s short, 200 pages or so, and if I’m honest with myself as an informed adult, nothing spectacular. It’s not bad, but its not ground breaking. None of the books are. But they broke new ground in Me, and what grew out of them has literally shaped the course of my entire personality.

Raev, I hear you say, it’s not great to base your entire personality on a bit of pop culture.

Shut up, I said, I’m telling this story and anyways insert-edgy-media-here dudebros have been doing it forever. Anyways.

So I read this book. I read it again, and again. I read all the books that went with it, but I stayed especially hung up on Forests. Why? Partially because it was the first one I read. Partially because the MC and I share a name, and therefore in my little teen head a connection. It was the first time “Rachel” felt like an identity, instead of just an identifier, and one that way too many of my classmates shared. Rachel was a badass, stifled by her Christian upbringing and the expectations of the day on women. I was a badass, stifled by my Christian upbringing and the expectations of the day on women. Rachel became a vampire, spiteful and spitfire the entire way. She did it on her own terms (so my teen reading of the text went), spurning every attempt of her kind to show her the ways of the vampire. She had a nemesis, a clear, concrete reason for her pain, and took charge of that pain and overcame it to be a complete and utter badass by the end of the book (again, so my teen reading went. Part of the problem here was my teenness. Part of it was my neurodivergence, which I will get to (you didn’t think this would be a SHORT story, did you? I warned you I have ADHD and that this was my hyperfixation; how did you think this was gonna go?))

So I identified heavily with the protag, and with its shocking author. This lifechanging book was written by a teen, like me! Holy cats, I said to myself, why, if she can do it, so can I! I had just started writing my own first novel (a shameless retelling of Star Wars, hyperfixation of my grade school years), and immediately trashed it to write my own vampire thing. Because vampires were clearly IT and I was gonna be a cool badass author hero, just like the MC of the second book.

Then the shapeshifter books came out, and so did I.

It’s really unrelated, but that was a fun transition, and as previously stated, author-type. Anyways.

So I came out to my girlcrush, angsted about that a lot, and continued to gobble up the books. Did you know there’s a website, she said. There’s like a whole fan community and everything.

Now, part of the problem here was being part of the first generation on the internet. It was relatively new, and so stranger danger and not being entirely comfortable on the internet and all that had its part to play. But this is also where the hyperfixation finally comes into play.

I liked Nyeusigrube A LOT. A lot a lot. So much so that I made my own conlang, my own mythos, my own entire story universe patterned after this one but not exactly this one. For whatever reason, it never occurred to me to self-insert, just to shamelessly copy. That one I can’t explain, but this one I can now understand through the lens of an adult.

Nyeusigrube was my especially special interest, and I had no idea that was a normal, healthy thing.

So tangled up in all this was my raised-too-conservative freak out about being Not Straight. I had finally figured out I liked girlfriend, if not that I was incredibly bisexual yet, and that was a Big Deal. Super cool author I hero-worshiped was one of those “Do I want to BE her or just want her?” kind of idolations, but again, didn’t know that at the time either. So these two very normal things that I knew NOTHING about were getting tangled together in a rat king of Issues with a generous slathering of Shame glue to hold them all together. Add to it the paranoia/RSD/general not-great-at-social sides of my neurodivergence, and basically I had decided I was Too Weird and liked this book Too Much and if I so much as LOOKED at the websites/forums/etc, everyone would know and that would be Bad.

Did I have a clear idea of how that would look? Not really? I didn’t need to. Just the thought of checking out the fansites was enough to send me into a panicking guilt/shame spiral about how much I enjoyed the books. Everyone will KNOW, I thought, and it will be BAD. The End. It was Not Normal how much I liked the books and I will freak everyone out.

So.

If I had just KNOWN that hyperfixations were a thing, I might have still felt weird, but I don’t think I would have AGONIZED (and I do mean fucking AGONIZED) over how shockingly Not Normal my level of interest went. I might have still felt bad, because I didn’t have a diagnosis, and therefore probably wouldn’t have given myself permission of admit I had a hyperfixation, but at least I wouldn’t have wallowed in ignorance. Now, if I’d had the knowledge and the diagnosis, I probably would have still been too shy to interact, but I wouldnt’ have wasted hours of my life in panicked/guilt/shame spirals. If I’d have a diagnosis and a support group? If I’d had a diagnosis and been raised with the normalization of being queer? If I’d had medication, role models, a safe place to open up and communicate, so on and so on? Like, you get the idea, right?

I consider myself immeasurably lucky that my love of writing and vampires and high school girlfriend survived all this. (My equally intense boy crush of the time did not (not because I don’t like boys but because I fell down another hyperfixation spiral and no PERSON should ever be subjected to that but I digress)). As I said, this is my especially special hyperfixation. I can’t imagine how many hours of enjoyment I might have gotten out of the forums, the fan arts, the roleplaying groups, the FRIENDSHIPS, my gods, can you imagine the friendships? Anyways, what I’m really saying is that it caused me real emotional Pain and Trauma, thinking something was Wrong with me for my level of interest. A lot of people have regrets about like not trying out for the team or not asking so and so out or whatever, but mine is a stupid fansite. I have deep and palpable regrets about letting my fear and shame keep me from something so harmless and silly, and as I said before I don’t think I have a concise or tidy ending, but this was what I wanted to say on the matter so there it is.

TL;DR: (hey, didn’t you already post this part? Yes, yes I did. I’m doing it again, but this time its the In Conclusion bit instead of the summary bit) ...(abstract. they’re called abstracts)...(this is still FAR from a scientific paper) (ANYWAYS) Not knowing that hyperfixations were a thing hurt me, and cost me not only enjoyment of a thing, but more serious social and emotional growth potential. I was stunted and harmed by this lack of education, and I guess my point is I hope no one else has to go through that. If my stupid little story can fix a thing, I want it to be that. More kids needs access to a broader range of what Normal is, and Normal needs to be opened up and expanded to include things that are perfectly harmless because the harm of excluding those things is immeasurable. Thank you for coming to my TED talk

#raev rambles

[cross-d-a]

fic tag game

aaahhh @vishcount thank you for tagging me!!! These are so fun and I adored reading about your fic journey~!  ೖ(⑅σ̑ᴗσ̑)ೖ ❤

OH as a note!! For the ppl I tag at the end I don’t expect you to read all of this bc it’s A Lot!!! but I figured you might want to do this game yourself? haha :)

Name: cross-d-a shortened version of my first ever username. unfortunately stuck with it now haha but i’m fond of it :p wish it was cuter tho!!

Posting the rest of this under the cut so it doesn’t eat up people’s dashes!! 

(｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

Fandoms: 

oKAY YIKES there are....honestly too many too name. I’ve got a short and obsessive attention span so it’s either all or nothing with me usually. When I can stay in a fandom for a long period of time it’s a miracle. I’ll name the bigger ones that I’ve all written fic for! Even if I’ve never posted them haha

Right now I’m very firmly into Daomu Biji (dmbj). It feels like it’s both got a crap ton of content and yet barely anything at all haha. Maybe because the English fandom is so small. But at least there are a bunch of dramas and books!!! I really, really, really adore dmbj so much!! And a large part of that is the fandom!!! It's been a really cool and unique experience! Everyone in it is truly so kind and wonderful, and I’ve made some really incredible friends because of it (looking at you vish!! ❤). I’ve got a bunch of wips, but I’ve only posted two fics for dmbj!

Before this I was very into Guardian and mdzs. MDZS was my first foray into cdramas and Guardian’s Zhu Yilong really suckered me into watching more haha I also have fics for both these fandoms!

My very first fandoms were Fullmetal Alchemist, D. Gray-Man and Naruto. My very old ffnet account has fics for these and I’ve got a bunch of newer wips on my tablet. Then Star Trek, Twilight, BBC Merlin, Sherlock, Death Note, Harry Potter, How to Train Your Dragon, Battlestar Galactica, Avatar the Last Airbender and Marvel were a few of my main ones in high school. Plus a bunch of anime (like Fruits Basket! and Kuroshitsuji and Natsume Yuujinchou). 

Then college hit and I renewed my childhood love of Tolkien (mainly lotr and the Hobbit), and Star Wars. I also found Teen Wolf! Then after college it was Stranger Things. 

I find myself in a cycle of mild fondness and complete obsession with these fandoms haha I go back to Star Wars at least once a year!! Then I’m in the gffa hole for a few months. Marvel also reoccurs, depending on how interested I am in new content! Star Trek I always always always go back to. TOS is my comfort show and it will never fade from my heart ❤

But for now I’m stuck in cdrama hell and I love it

Tropes: 

Time travel, found family, whump+hurt/comfort, fairytale-like elements, resurrective immortality (thanks to a “Nine Lives” Hobbit fic), CROSSOVERS

I’m a slut for all these things so they often worm their way into my plots haha

I also just- love weird premises. I think that’s the anime influencing me haha

Fic I spent most time on: 

My series he leaves sand and stardust in my wake (main fic is hurricane on the edge of oblivion), I have...spent five years on now. I have done so much research for this fic it’s insane. 

The premise is force ghost!Obi-Wan getting shunted back into his tiny 10 year old self. I incorporate a shit ton of legends and I try to stay as canon as possible. I basically want this au to feel like it’s 1000% plausible while still getting all my gay shit. It’s chock full of whump, redemption, found family, minor characters turning into major characters, and I’ve got slavery uprising on the mind, too. It’s just- everything I could ever want to explore in the Star Wars universe basically. 

It’s my first big project. I started doodling and scribbling ideas in the margins of my notebook in my Scottish History class. I adore it so so so much. But, because of my hyperfixation and fleeting intense obsession with things it makes it- really difficult to consistently update. I leave it for months at a time and I am constantly guilt-ridden about it. Because it’s my baby and I have a lot of wonderful readers. I fear I’ll never be able to finish it. Especially since I’ve written so much and I’m still only in the beginning of it. ( ; A ; )

Also, I’ve spent so much time with Xanatos, Feemor and Bruck that they just feel like mine now. I can’t read any fics that involve them, it’s too strange. Which is a damn shame because I love them so much haha OH ALSO!! I think it’s the first really big fic to include those three?? So I’m very proud about that haha (I’ve had so many ppl comment about how they actually Give A Shit about these three and are Invested bc of me haha)

Favorite fic(s) you’ve written: 

hurricane on the edge of oblivion (with nowhere to go) (Star Wars)

My long-term passion project. My love-letter to Star Wars, I suppose. Reading it now I feel like a lot of it is clunky or long-winded, but I think it really shows the foundation of my writing today :) Main characters are Obi-Wan, Xanatos Du Crion, Qui-Gon Jinn, Bruck Chun and Feemor. Eventually we’ll get to Maul, Savage, Feral, Shmi Skywalker, (more!) Ahsoka, Anakin and a shit ton of clones ❤

things we hunger for (Guardian)

My Ye Zun self-indulgent fic. It’s a time travel amnesia Weilanzun! Honestly has some of my fav writing I’ve ever done. It’s so soft and really indulges in the hurt/comfort. It gives Ye Zun the friends and family I think he deserves. Also, he gets to grow into a (mostly!) functional person and I adore him.

the beast that slumbers within your soul (mdzs)

Jiang Cheng centric fic!! I feel like all my favourite fics I’ve written are love letters haha. This is one def my love letter to Jiang Cheng. This fic possessed me for two whole days. I wrote 16k in almost one sitting. I went to sleep at 6 in the morning bc I couldn’t stop writing. And when I drifted off I kept thinking of new ideas so I’d whip out my phone and write down lines and notes. I- have never ever ever felt that way about anything. It was- insane. It felt insane. It was so amazing. I’m still riding the memory of that high.

 Basically Jiang Cheng actually finds Baoshan Sanren and it turns out she’s a fox demon and Jiang Cheng is descended from wolves. It’s- okay I said the fic above this had my favourite writing?? That was a lie. This has my favourite writing I’ve ever done. It’s unfinished bc I am in dmbj hell but I am still excited about the next chapter which features Wei Wuxian’s pov!!

the whispers of spirits (dmbj)

My current passion project. In a way it kinda feels similar to hurricane? Bc multiple povs, incorporating different aspects of canon (we’ll get there!! I promise!), shit ton of research, etc. etc. I really really really love it for so many reasons. I’m basically taking all the things I was unsatisfied with in Reboot and Sha Hai and running with it. Found family and whump galore! It’s also a love letter to the women of dmbj who really deserve so so so much better.

Honourable mention to:

One Day (you’ll have given more of yourself than is meant to be taken) (Marvel)

This fic also kinda possessed me. I just- couldn’t get rid of the idea of a trans!Thor. And I mean a mtf Thor! It’s just? So many people look at Thor and go “that’s a Real Man.” Full stop. They never think there could be anything more, and it really really really bothered me. So I wrote out my feelings. I’m not trans. I don’t have that experience at all. I’ve had issues and confusion about my gender but nothing like this. I just wanted to do justice to this idea of Thor in my head. And I still feel a bit nervous having posted it. But I've gotten so many comments from people who really connected with what I’ve written? So I’m very very thankful I wrote it and it has a very special place in my heart. It’s a very cathartic fic.

Fic I spent least time on: 

Probably we rise (Star Wars) and I think it shows haha. I wrote it in response to Dave Filoni posting a drawing of Ahsoka and Gandalf telling her “People thought I was dead, too, and look how that turned out...” So I incorporated Ahsoka (and Din and Grogu and Ezra!!!) into the ending of Rise of Skywalker, kinda explaining how I think they could all still be alive. :)

Longest fic: 

hurricane is my longest fic (159k) but I’m kinda worried whispers will eclipse that.....

Shortest fic: 

Of my posted ones it’s The Five Moments it Took Tony and Scott to Admit They Were Best Friends (and the first time they ever did), currently clocks at 1.6k. It’s unfinished tho so maybe that doesn’t count.... otherwise it’s we rise which is completed and 2k.

Most hits/kudos/comments/bookmarks: 

hurricane overall has the most of all these. Though I don’t think hits counts as much bc it’s multi-chapter. If you discount multi-chapter stuff, most hits goes to my obikin smutfic Homecoming, bc people are horny af haha

Fic you want to rewrite/expand on: 

If I had energy I’d like to rewrite the beginning of hurricane bc it feels so so wordy. I’d want to expand on One Day bc I really would like to write a whole series with trans!Thor. And like- I’d really like the focus to finish any of my WIPs.

Share a bit of a WIP: I really wanna share my Guardian/dmbj crossover that I started back in August. Bc I adore the idea of wu xie&shen wei&ye zun triplets! Plus time travel!!! I dunno if I’ll ever finish it tho ( ; A ; ) It just feels like a lot to deal with right now.

This scene takes place during the Mountain Awl arc. Guardian crew and desperado fam run across each other at the village! Wu Xie has recently found out that he’s adopted and he’s searching for answers in the area Sanshu originally found amnesiac!toddler!Wu Xie in :) Gonna pull two snippets bc I’m v excited and this might be the only time anyone else sees this fic haha:

“Oh?” Pangzi focuses on Yunlan now, lips twisting. “You think I’ve ‘got the wrong guy,’ huh?” He laughs, but it’s not a nice sound. “That’s rich! Are you that cocky or are you just stupid?”

Bristling, Yunlan drops his hands and scowls. “Excuse me?”

“Sir,” Shen Wei tries. “I think—”

Pangzi’s eyes snap back to Shen Wei, sharp and blazing. “How dare you fucking steal his face!”

What?

Automatically, Zhao Yunlan turns to Shen Wei, but the professor looks just as shell-shocked as Zhao Yunlan feels which- is seriously something. Since everything about Shen Wei is so carefully controlled, kept to the minimum. Except for those delightful little smiles that bloom across his lovely face, or the startled little bursts of laughter that fall from his lips. Or even when anger and frustration spark across his features, cracking his calm veneer open enough that he can see a glimmer of what lies beneath, the fire in those eyes. Zhao Yunlan delights in those moments, makes a game of making Shen Wei’s control slip.

He tells himself it’s nothing more than a game. Nothing more than trying to find out what makes Shen Wei tick.

Zhao Yunlan’s always been very bad at lying to himself. Or very good. Depending on who you’re asking.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Yunlan splutters.

But before anyone can say anything else, a very familiar voice calls:

“Pangzi? What’s wrong?”

Yunlan can feel Shen Wei stiffen, and Yunlan himself is pulled to that voice like a planet in orbit, like the inevitable plummet to the ground.

Another shadow wavers in the doorway before it steps out onto the dirt. Light illuminates shaggy hair, limning it gold, sharply casting everything else in shadow. But as the figure nears, the contrast softens until Yunlan can see the newcomer’s face properly and- and—

“Wu Xie!” Pangzi growls. “We’ve got ourselves an impostor!”

The man wearing Shen Wei’s face steps up to them, brows furrowed and mouth pulled down into a sharp frown. He glances between them, eyes landing on Shen Wei. His scowl deepens. He opens his mouth, but then—

“Wu Xie?” Shen Wei breathes, all trembly and lost and hopeless.

Heart in his throat, Yunlan turns to Shen Wei again. Turns and flinches at that stricken look upon Shen Wei’s pale pinched face.

“A-Xie?” Shen Wei chokes. “Didi?”

and

Pangzi snorts. “Professor?”

“I-it’s true!”

Startled Yunlan swings his attention over to Jiajia who clenches her backpack to her chest, face screwed up in admirable determination. “P-professor Shen took me and Xiao Quan on a field trip to investigate an archeological site around here!”

“Oh?” Wu Xie drawls all slow and amused. “Well, what a coincidence. We’re archeologists, too.”

“With guns?” Yunlan bites out.

Wu Xie raises a brow, grin full of teeth. “Well, you can never be too prepared.”

“Right,” Yunlan drawls right back. “Are you a professor, too, then? You come here with your students?”

Wu Xie outright grins. “You could say that, I suppose.”

Out of the corner of his eye, one of the men rolls his eyes. He’s the one with sharp features, glasses and looped earbuds. Does he think it’s appropriate to listen to music at a time like this? Yunlan admires the man’s gall.

aahhhh vish thanks so much again for tagging me!! This was so fun to relive my fic memories!! I’m gonna tag @alwaysaslutforshakespeare @jockvillagersonly @tehfanglyfish @lichelleme @undyingsunshine @humanlighthouse  @thewindsofsong I’m curious about your guys’ writing and fandom journey!! As always, no pressure to actually complete this!! I just thought it was fun ❤

Wow if you read all of this I am very humbled and impressed, thank you!!

╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

#cross talks #my fic #fanfiction #uhhh what else do i tag this as i dunno #about me #cross posts #wip fic

[og-danny-dorito]

Bucky Barnes SFW Headcanons

a new hyperfixation to avoid my growing anxiety with my personal life? yall already know whats up, and i'm feeling angsty so brace yourself

PUBLISHED :  2 - 17 - 20

S F W : 

- to start off of a positive and happy note (jk you already know thats not how it works) its very likely that upon first meeting, any touch directed towards him is met with an alarmed grunt and/or a slap of your hand away

- anything unsolicited makes him nervous and uncomfortable, so if you really do want to pat his shoulder or hug him or something like that you'd have to ask if it's okay first. now it's pretty easy to see the reasoning behind this but for those doubting it i will explain

- big man has been trained to kill in hand to hand combat and advanced weaponry and countless other things, meaning that he's pretty much wired by this point to have a gut reaction that automatically goes to the fight or flight instinct. it doesn't make logical sense that he wouldn't get uncomfortable and jumpy at loud noises and unsolicited touching since his ptsd has accumulated over the years to MAKE him react like that. he doesn't want to accidentally punch you in the teeth

- like yeah he's all tough and shit and could break the a dude’s neck if he really tried, but the issue is that once his walls are broken down he's sort of akin to that of a regulated killing machine having to redo its wiring to be “normal” again. the transition itself would be traumatic, but the process of initiating it would be even more difficult

- so that means that in the first few months of his recovery, he probably would do a lot of absent-minded staring and just long spells of silence where he just doesn't do anything. it's sort of like a reloading point for his brain, and he starts to pick up the habit of daydreaming a lot. sometimes you'll have to say his name a few times to snap him out of it, but when he does come to he looks a little embarrassed

- it's not that easy to elicit an emotional reaction out of him. you'd have to be fairly close with him to actually get most responses out of him that are more than a word long, and so thus starts my favorite trope; hard depressed kill man falls for person who just Keeps Trying

- it's not that easy to get under his skin, but meeting him somewhere normally and constantly talking to him will probably start to make him feel more encouraged to speak in the sense of making normal conversation

- he's a little awkward so in this case patience goes a long way (as does with pretty much everything with him). it gets to the point where after a month or so he may feel weird if he doesn't talk to you at that specific time of the day. if he's grown that fond of you he'll even go out of his way to ask a few people where you are

- part of him hates getting this attached for a number of reasons. there's that nagging feeling in the back of his mind that his environment is temporary and getting attached to the things and people there will hurt him more than he'd like. while he knows that it's not temporary, that he's not leaving anytime soon and probably won't for a while, it all goes back to the killing machine thing

- when he was under hydra’s control, the only thing that was certain was the base he resided in and it's hard to come out of a state of mind where the only thing you know to be continuous is your continued existence as a tool. the place itself brings back horrible memories, but you get what i mean

- so initially he may resist conversation for that very reason

- he tends to pick up on details more than anything, and most of your smaller traits tend to make him quickly used to you. like for instance, if you're prone to pursuing your lips and narrowing your eyes at something odd you've heard or seen, he might find it cute mentally and then immediately correct himself for it. if you tend to snort a little and roll your eyes when you laugh, he's going to notice that and MAYBE try to pay more attention when something funny is said to hear it again

- i would generally think that he doesn't really have much a type or preference at all. in fact, i'm pretty sure the only thing he seemed consciously aware of that he likes in a partner is ability to understand. cause if you can't forgive him for the things he's done and see why he does what he does now, he can't bring himself to feel like he needs to go through all of his self hatred and doubt more intensely than he already is

- he probably is asexual as well but that's sort of iffy considering he's canon been in sexual relationships so that's a maybe. but he's definitely demiromantic. it's not that easy for him to find people attractive anymore. when he starts to get to know you better he starts feeling some sort of way and picking up on MORE details that you may not even notice yourself

- bucky is also incredibly skilled at remembering things you might've said a month ago and completely forgot about. some find this off putting and that's understandable, but when it comes down to it, its a product of sorta okay memory

- “My cousin almost flipped his car over this week.”

- “Phillipe?”

- “Uh, yeah. How did you...?”

- “You mentioned him two weeks ago... when he almost fell of your roof the week before.”

- “I did?”

- remembers dates, names, eye colors, and a multitude of other things, so sometimes he'll just mention something important you may have forgotten and pretend like he definitely wasn't paying too much attention to you. it's surprising how good his memory is even though he can't remember any of his past. so this most likely means that he has issues with remembering events and how they happened, but not the details of them. like how you can remember your shirt color a few week s back but not what you did while wearing that shirt

- and on that note, he kinda shuts down if he gets a weird flashback in the middle of something. they're mostly triggered by smells and sounds, but sometimes if he sees something while he's walking down the street he'll just stop and stare at it. it's best just to stop and stare at it with him, or alternatively if you don't want stares, act like you're taking a picture. but don't talk to him while it's happening cause it'll interrupt the train of thought and derail him completely

- he tends to talk a lot about things if he's grown very invested in them (he's very good at keeping focus). if you're out walking together or just sitting down he might stare and absentmindedly reach out to touch you before stopping himself at the last minute. gently grabbing his hand and placing it wherever he wanted to touch makes him flustered every time. that and hes super soft but is afraid to be vulnerable around anyone

- just gently grabbing his hand makes him all mushy, and it’s more often than not that he finds himself weak when someone shows pretty much any form of affection or endearment towards him

- probably not into pda though, not that much. he will hold your hand if you want to, but don’t expect to like sit in his lap or like straight upstart kissing in public cause any attention in a public setting makes him nervous

- really likes a kind of homey s/o. someone who likes to cook or bake or whatever makes him feel a little bit like he doesn't have to worry about something for a while. like if he comes home and dinner is just waiting on the table for him or you’ve already drawn a bath for him and/or made the bed or whatever, he literally appreciates that above pretty much anything else

- love language is most likely acts of service. hes not very good with words unless he like thinks it out beforehand, but pretty much buys you gifts all the time because he likes seeing you light up when you see them. he does try to spend as much time as he can with you but either anxiety gets the best of him or hes literally too busy, and so it ends up being more distant with him coming over a few times during the week, even if you live together. and we already know the deal with physical touch so im not gonna restate my strong belief in “big man has trauma no touch big man unless A S K”

- but a lot of the things he does are situational. one day he may be very down to be super affectionate and the other he’ll be painfully distant, but the main issue with all of it is that hes very very bad at communication

- this poses an issue for a number of reasons, but his responses and reactions are more physical than anything. so for instance, if hes uncomfortable with something he’ll start to shift and stare and be very tense the whole time it’s occurring, or if he’s feeling a bit more sad or depressed he’ll isolate himself and consistently stand slouched or look as if he hasn't gotten enough sleep. it’s mostly body language, but after a while he’ll feel safe enough to tell you how he feels about certain things

- this takes a while to actually happen, but when it does he manages to just,,, say things that are on his mind. like you’ll be reading or scrolling through your phone or whatever and he’ll randomly be like “The table has a lot of scratches on it.” it’s just observations he has, but usually it translates to him wanting to change the stated fact. best thing to do is just to roll with it, since hes practically learning how to communicate again and he’s picking up on things socially

- now let's get to the “a little fluffy” and “kinda-already-known” shit, shall we?

-  miscellaneous headcanons;

gets jealous pretty easily in the early stages of your relationship, but only ever indicates this by staring the person in question down and refusing to admit to it later

likes having his hair put up into cool hairstyles and likes colored rubber bands (or hair ties if youre not where i'm from). seriously, he may loose his shit if you just like put cool braids in his hair one day like hes a viking or whatever

kind of tone deaf but his singing is more of like this raspy and slightly more “Misty Mountains” vocals sounding

is touch sensitive, so even doing something as small as like rubbing your thumb on his arm makes his hair raise on end

doesn't like his metal arm at all and quite obviously wears long sleeves all the time to hide it, but occasionally wears short sleeves when he's feeling less insecure

oh, super insecure btw and THATS why he feels all mushy when someone is kind to him because he KNOWS he's a freak and that he's weird but you're not still being sweet??? too pure, must protect

gives great hugs since he practically smothers anyone he meets with them, but is also basically a walking heater

is terrified of the idea of taking care of children or just anything weaker than him, but is good with them since they always hang on his arms and hold his legs when he walks

super strong

likes sweets a whole lot, specifically fruity sweets like apple pie or peach cobbler. never bring those wallmart cakes or whatever near him cause it'll be gone in like an hour flat unless you tell him to leave you some

- in conclusion, he needs therapy and probably won't be very responsive when he's not sure what to do. it doesn't mean he loves you any less, but he may have a hard time communicating it to you. all he really needs is some patience and a bit of understanding, and he'll get better with the whole s/o thing soon enough. cause you mean the world to him, and he doesn't want anyone or anything to make you feel like less than that

#Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes headcanon #bucky barnes headcanons #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes imagines #the winter soldier #the winter soldier imagines #the winter soldier imagine #the winter soldier headcanon #the winter soldier headcanons #Marvel Comics #mcu #mcu headcanon #mcu headcanons #mcu imagine #mcu imagines #marvel heroes #marvel hero #antihero #marvel villains #marvel villain

[gallavichy]

unrelated to anything but — tips for dealing w a depressive episode when you don’t have anybody?

here are some things that have helped me when i’ve struggled with my mental health while alone:

make a list of 3s: 3 things you’ve already done, 3 things you can do right now, 3 things you’ll do when you feel better. if you don’t feel up to it, do 1s. 

listen to podcasts or watch youtubers. i spent my early 20s basically by myself, and i got so into watching youtubers talk about their lives, and it made me feel like i had people around me even when i didn’t.

pick a character you wish you knew irl and write them a letter telling them how you feel about stuff going on in your life right now. bonus: if you like writing fic, write a letter back to yourself from their perspective. think about how they’d react to how you’re feeling--would they relate to it? give you encouragement? tell you about their own struggles?

talk to people online--leave comments, reply, send messages, etc. talk to people about something you’re really into. it’s always helped me to hyperfixate. i think it’s why fandom is so important to me; being super into shows and characters has made me feel safe and not so alone during various periods of my life.

just know that this will pass. a lot of shit i’ve gotten through in my life has been in part due to me offhandedly blaming my weird brain for it and using that as a way to cope. i have panic disorder, and there have been times where i’ve been by myself and have literally felt like my entire world has collapsed and i can’t breathe, can’t concentrate, can’t function, and when i’m not having an attack, i’m nervous and almost have the sensation of being chased, like something’s around the corner at all times. and it feels so intense when i’m not doing well, but something that helps me so much is that when i’m feeling good, i’m really conscious of the fact that my brain is making me feel that way. it doesn’t stop anything, but it helps me put my disorder in perspective, and when i’m having a bad time, i let it anchor me. i got a weird brain. it messes me up sometimes, but i always get through it. you will, too. <33

know that for all the bad things we have to deal with as humans, there are great things, too, even during times in which you don’t have people around you. think of all the fun shit you’ll get to see and do in this life. all the shows you’ll get to obsess over. all the things that’ll make you laugh. all the stuff you get to create or watch or read or hear. all the places you’ll get to go. and when you need to talk to someone, my ask box is open. 💕

followers, if you have any more tips for anon, please reply! 

#anon #ask gray