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madwomansapologist · 2 months

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doubt comes in | bg3 companions

Meet Kind!Druid!Tav | More Weirdos | AO3

synopsis: You knew exactly what would welcome you back to camp. The alluring smell of Gale's cooking, the awful noises of Lae'zel working on a sword that don't need to be sharpened, Wyll practicing his dance moves. You clearly weren't expecting to see yourself. Or to be forced into fighting the companions you swore to never harm in order to prove Orin was playing with their minds. [3.4K]

warnings: orin being orin. well, you, actually. "prove who's the real you" trope. i mean imagine the level of anxiety that scenario induces because you want me to act like me? kitten, mommy don't fucking know who she is. bg3 level of violence. a lot of blood. body horror should be a tag? tav suffers slashing damage, but orin suffers psychic damage. angst. happy ending. shadowheart x tav x halsin. companions (lae'zel, astarion, gale, wyll, karlach, jaheira, minsc). camp followers (yenna, scratch, grub). background (orin, gortash, mizora, shar, cazador, silvanus).

Reaching Baldur's Gate didn't made life easier, but Gods did it helped. Danger is near, sometimes closer than a kiss, but this city is still your home. They can try, but no one can take that away from any of you.

Mizora can bargain and dissemble, but no lie coming from her burning lips will ever change the fact Wyll would do anything for this city. He had his first kiss in one of those bars. Gortash is a threat, but did he started counting his days? Karlach is coming for him, and he had it coming. She can still remember the vinegar taste on her mouth after her first spree.

Shar had her time to mess with Shadowheart's memories, to turn goodness into fear and desires into guilty. Shadowheart is learning how to swin. Long ago, before Cazador could even think of looking at him, Astarion walked on those streets. Cazador can see him as a walking corpse if he so desire, something that fell into decay, but Astarion is alive and free forever and evermore.

The world is a freaking mess, but so be it. That won't stop you from living. That won't stop any of you.

"Soldier! Over here," Karlach called for you, up on The Blushing Mermaid's balcony. You dodged the drunkards and ran upstairs to their table. They saved a seat for you. They always do. "What took you so long?"

They're always teasing you for being so controlling with their gold. That was an act of survival, to save for what matters, but now that you reached the city... You're still controlling it, Silvanus knows Astarion would waste it all without noticing, but you can allow your party some luxury from time to time.

You put the bags under the table, careful to not let them see what was inside them. "Just lost track of time," you sat between her and Minsc. "Did I miss much?"

You turned around, looking for a waiter, but a glass was dragged from across the table towards you. Halsin, sitting across from you at the round table, had already ordered your favorite drink. He always knows what you want even before you say it.

Your smile was subtle, the glass already rising to hide your mouth. You didn't use words to thank him, but your foot met his under the table. You dragged it along his leg, a hidden affection. A secret between you two.

"Oh, yes, Boo. Minsc agrees, her smile really seens different," Minsc whispered. Boo moved on his shoulder, sniffing around. "What are you hiding, my gentle friend?"

Perfume of night orchids, clothes fit for a vampire or whatever Astarion means by that, a recently released tome of evocation, instruments to improve weapons, a music box for a dancing hero, owlbear cub plush, new whittling knifes, a book about adventures Jaheira wasn't part of but is still somehow the main character, and stone sculpture of a certain miniature giant space hamster. "Nothing," you answered.

Halsin chuckled. "There is nothing you can't do, my heart. Except by lying, I must add."

"I just bought a few presents," it sounded almost defensive. Alright, maybe you really were a bit too controlling of the gold. Just a bit. "I'll give them after dinner."

Karlach chocked on her beer. "Are you feeling well, soldier? Have anyone forced you to waste your precious gold?"

"There is a hero coming through to help you, my friend," Minsc hit the table with closed fists. Your drink almost fell on your lap. "Tell Minsc who forced you and his boot shall find your wrongdoer!"

Karlach and Minsc tried to see what were in the bags during the walk back to camp, and you protected them with your life. They started a game of guessing what you had bought, never realizing you weren't participating on it.

Halsin took the bags from you, and with his free hand caressed yours. He kissed your knuckles, then your forehead. You melted against his touch. "Is it duck related?"

You chuckled, eyes still closed. "Fuck off, Bear."

Finally at camp, Halsin followed you to your tent .You saw when Wyll walking out of his tent, hair dripping wet, and smiled at him. Karlach and Minsc sat by the bonfire, still arguing about the possibility of receiving an ax as a gift.

You told Halsin to close his eyes so you could hide everything. "Alright, done."

You walked towards the bonfire, but Halsin grabbed your hand and pulled you closer. You linked your arms around his neck, ready to stand on tiptoe. "It's on your black chest, isn't it?"

You sighed, walking away from him. He tried to stop you, but you dodged Halsin easily. "Of course not," you lied. And he could tell.

You used a branch to stir the fire. You had the feeling it would be a cold night. Yenna was near it, stroking Grub's fur, and smiled at you. So young, so innocent. So unfair.

Lae'zel and Jaheira carried pans with food to the large table Gale conjured, and nodded on your direction. "Fifteen minutes, cub," said Jaheira. "Weren't you on watch?"

You denied with a movement of your head. Jaheira isn't the one to get confused with watches, neither are you. After all, you both organized all shifts.

"Are you hungry?" You stroke Yenna's hair, ignoring Grub in order to not scare him away. Kneeled in front of her, you threw the branch far away. Scratch ran to catch it. "I have strawberry and hon..."

"What the fuck is that?!"

You turned to Karlach, your sword suddenly so heavy on your side. She looked perfectly fine. Following her gaze, you understood it.

Shadowheart had her spear on hands, back from first watch to supper. And besides her, with a hand on the half-elf's waist, stood you.

One thing you can't deny Orin: that bitch is creative. You admit, it was smart. Half of the party left with you, half stayed at camp. It was only a matter of chosing the right moment to appear, making sure to say only the right words, and everything would work on her favor.

Smart, until she wasn't anymore. Because instead of aiming your companions quietly without raising doubts, you are back now. She is surrounded by the enemy. Cornered by her own actions.

You smiled to Yenna, her scared eyes shone upon you. "I need you to close your eyes. Can you do that for me?" As she put her tiny hands in front of her face, you raised from the floor. The smile was still there. "Orin."

She was behind you, but you knew Karlach made Nyrulna find a way to her hands. He's not on your vision field, but you promise Silvanus you'll kill yourself right then and there if Minsc and Boo aren't ready to fight and die beside you. The golden light on your periphery in theory could be from anything, but you knew it was Halsin waiting for your command to transform and attack.

The things you couldn't see didn't surprised you. Quite the opposite.

Jaheira's eyes shone, and without hesitation she turned into a fire myrmidion. Wyll, before careless, casted an armor on himself. Lae'zel had her sword on her back, but her movements showed she was nothing but ready.

They were looking at you.

As easy as that you understood. You're always thinking on the great scheme of things, careful about every movement and choice so at the end nothing will stop you from defeating the Absolute, but this isn't a game of Go. Orin didn't proposed a bet, one where all moves matter and any choice could change the final outcome. No. This is as simple as tic-tac-toe. The results depends only on doing the right first movement.

Orin isn't surrounded here.

You are.

Shadowheart hesitated, the spear uncomfortable on her hands, her skin paler. She gazed at you, at that thing, and you could almost see the doubt replacing the new found glow in her eyes.

"You finally decided to show up again," Orin said. She could immitate your voice perfectly. Even the words were something that could've been said by you. "Now we don't need to hunt you down."

You kept on staring at Shadowheart, ignoring her stained words. "Lua, you know who I truly am." You drew your sword, the golden glow illuminating your face within the light of the setting sun. "Fight beside me, my love. Like you have always done."

"Don't fall for her theatrics," replied Orin. If you didn't knew better, even you would fall for her tricks. "She is playing with your mind. Trying to control it like many attempt to before. Don't allow it."

In a quick motion, her spear cut through Orin's torso. Orin, you, stumbled back. You stood in front of Shadowheart, protecting her with your body from the changeling's response.

All Orin did was to add pressure to the cut. "Get away from her!" A necrotic energy came from her fingers, the same you are so used to control. You shouldn't have left your shield on your tent. "My love, she'll only hurt you."

Jaheira aimed at you, lava dripping from her transformed hand, but didn't attack because of how close Shadowheart was of you. Karlach got further away, now with a better view of camp. Minsc had his sword in hands, just as Wyll had a cloud of darkness aiming at him. Lae'zel was in front of Orin, eyes filled with determination.

They moved faster than you wanted to. The board getting new possibilities, and you worst problems to deal with. What strategy can overpower hers?

"On sight, soldier," Karlach screamed from distance. You could picture the spear on her hands, ready to be throw right in Orin's eyes. "One word."

"Ckh. Enough," ordered Lae'zel. "Pull yourself together before I pull you apart."

"That changeling is playing tricks with your mind, Lae'zel," said Shadowheart. Light came from her fingers. "Don't let her fool you."

"I know my leader," was her response. "You should know too, cleric."

"Can't any of you see her true goal?" Your voice echoed through the camp. "She isn't just trying to end me. She could've done this before, we all now she had chances. Orin wants you to fight one another, to break our bonds and divide us. Stay still, stay alert, and she won't have a choice but to end her disguise and attack with her own claws. Patience: that's the only thing she does not have."

With the noise, Gale and Astarion came out of the kitchen. "Who is..." Astarion didn't even had time to finish.

"It's me," you yelled. You had even forgot about them. Just more players for a game that should be won alone. "For Silvanus, I even said goodbye to each and every of you befo..."

You swear you saw a smirk on your duel's face. She fooled you too. "You fucking bitch."

You barely had closed your mouth when red strings of energy passed right beside you. Shadowheart's illuminated fingers were surrounded by darkness now. Gale's work, you knew.

"She is right," Lae'zel's words made you breath easier. It was more than just a smart move, it was a great plan, but Orin won't suceed for a very simple reason: her main goal is to hurt, and yours is to prevent it. Lae'zel stepped closer, her longsword in hands and eyes on Orin. "The wizard shouldn't have aimed at the Shadowheart, neither was she supposed to fight."

A sign of trust coming from her of all people could convince them all. Lae'zel cares, deeply, and wouldn't do something without being sure of it. You glared at the others, hoping Lae'zel's words had calmed them down. And it did. Their eyes were softer towards you. But those weren't the eyes you should've been watching closely.

You didn't saw when she moved. Didn't noticed the smell of danger floating on the air so near you. Didn't heard anything that would've warned you to defend yourself.

But you felt as Lae'zel rip your chest apart.

So much blood. You never would've guessed a mortal vessel could carry so much blood. It stained the silver, dripping from the longsword, splashed her face. It ran down your body, penetrated the ground and its roots, fed the plants..

Red. It was all you could see. All you could think about. Your lungs only had space for it. They burned. Your trembling hands moved towards your ripped belly, your insides staining them, and held the sword. It cut your palms.

"Bloodlust won't solve our problems," someone said. You knew that voice. Was it yours? Lae'zel forced the sword down, then pulled it out of you. "The changeling's is all we need to spill."

You were on your knees. Did you fell? Were you kicked? Are you praying? You must be. You probably were. Who do you pray to? Have you ever prayed before?

Kneeled beside you, a woman talked to you. Her mouth moved, a red liquid dripping from her face and hands. Her touch was warm. She felt like home. Shadowheart. Her eyes reflected a golden light, but they dissapeared so quickly.

"Let me go!" She tried to fight Lae'zel's hold, but the warrior was stronger. "She'll die because of you. She'll die and I will never ever forgive you for that, you damned gith!" The screams turned into cries. "She saved me, let me save her!"

"It's me," the doppelgander said. She held Shadowheart by the cheeks, trying to get her to calm down. "Lua, love, it's me. Just me."

"Get out of me," Shadowheart spat on her face. Lae'zel pushed her away, trying to prevent Shadowheart from doing something she would regret. "Why no one here listen to me?!"

"Stop squirming," Lae'zel hissed. "Look into her eyes. Look and tell me you don't see our leader."

Shadowheart eventually stopped fighting, her body exausted from crying. The changeling was in front of her, you were in front of her. She smelled like you. Talked like you. Felt like you.

"Is that really you?"

"Of course it's me," lied Orin. "Please, look into my eyes. We were together all day. You know I haven't left camp. Please, please, trust me."

Spikes grew, surrounding Orin. She hissed, the ivy twining around her legs and tearing the skin open. Halsin were throw to the ground before he could end the healing spell.

"Halsin!" Shadowheart screamed. She almost escaped Lae'zel's hold. "No!"

"She was with us all day, Halsin," Wyll said as he paralised the druid. "We know it's her. Don't fight back."

That didn't stop Karlach from throwing her spear near the Blade's feet. "You fucking idiot!"

Mizora clapped, enjoying the show.

Jaheira burned Mizora before losing her wild shape. She will come back, she always does, but that never stops Jaheira. At least they will have some moments of respect.

She wandered towards Minsc. He kneeled on the floor, and for a moment she feared something happened to him when she wasn't paying attention.

"She told me not open my eyes," cried Yenna. "I can't open they yet. She told me not to."

"Have you ever seen my miniature giant space hamster?" Yenna didn't react to him. "No, Boo, she nee..."

Jaheira kneeled beside him, her hand resting on his shoulder. "You did well, cub," she forced herself to laugh. "You were so brave. Let's get you and your red cat something to eat, alright?"

A dry sound reached their ears, stopping every and each one of them. You fell to the ground, as firm as an empty sack, whimpers leaving your mouth as you slipped into unconsciousness.

No fighting. No yelling. A quiet end. A peaceful one.

So easy.

Astarion grabbed Gale's shoulders, whispering so the others wouldn't notice. "It smells like her," Astarion swallowed hard. "I know it."

"Are you really sure of that?" Gale watched you, saw all your blood spreading through the ground, and looked into his eyes again. "Because if you're not, if your guess is wrong, then it will be our guts on the ground. Do you really trust your nose that much?"

Astarion gave him a smirk, but Gale could see the fear he was trying to hide. "Will you cover me, darling?"

"What's your plan?"

"Please. If you think I have one, then you don't know me at all."

As the spike dissapeared, Orin held Shadowheart's face again. "Think of everything we faced together. The nautiloid, the grove, the shadows. Wasn't I beside you all this time? Have I ever turned my back on you?"

"No." That Shadowheart knew the answer. "Never."

She looked up to the moon, praying for assistance. When her eyes fell down, she saw the body on the floor. And what surrounded it.

Scratch sad down beside you. He nudged your shoulder with his nose, waiting for you to stop with that game. He didn't like it. It wasn't fun like the others. But as he moved your body, she saw something reflecting the sunset. A flask. Concentrating, Shadowheart saw the contour of something. Of Astarion's body.

Gale had blue rays of light coming out of his eyes.

"Exactly, my love," her cheeks were pinched. The long nails digged on them for so long. "I've never turned on you. Not when you tried to kill Lae'zel. Not when you lied to me again and again. Or when you showed us how low you would go for your goddess. Remember the fear on the Nightsong's eyes? Remember how I pretended not to know all you would do to her if I wasn't there? A cleric who doesn't know where to lay her faith, a torturer so easily deceived, a coward unable to make the right decisions. That's why you never turned on me, right? Because I make the decisions you can't. I carry all the guilty for you. Because it's easier when I control everything. Don't you like it? That you don't need to use your brain when I am around? Wouldn't you give your memories to me if I asked? I know you would. I know you will."

Your head fell. The bone cracking, the skin stretching. They could hear as it moved, as it turned into something else. The shoulders falling, elbows breaking in half, the spine bending until it touches the bloody ground. The last snap, deep and long.

And from a thin cloud of dust, Orin appeared.

"Look at it. Crawnling under my fe..."

Nyrulna wasn't near Wyll, deep on the ground, neither did it came back to Karlach's hands. With accurate aim, the trident pierced Orin's ribs. Her blood joined yours, and the pale body fell where yours once lay.

Taking your time, you walked towards her. Stepping on the changeling's stomach, you ripped the trident from her insides. "I will give you a glorious death," you growled. "I'll make Bhaal wish I was his chosen."

You kneeled beside her, pressing the trident against her neck, then lowered your face until her ear. "I'll make him regret ever settling for you," you whispered.

Her eyes shone. "How... you know," she could barely say anything. "My... sib..."

You squeezed her cheeks, shutting her up. Then you caressed it, getting her skin dirty with your blood. "I know shit about you," you replied. "But I can tell you would never be anyone's first choice."

Orin can believe she escaped, if it's that what she desires. That you were too slow to stop her from teleport to wherever she deemed safe. That you were all bark and no bite. The truth is that she was wrong about you from the start.

You like the hunting.

You dropped Nyrulna to the ground, and threw yourself into Shadowheart's arms. “She lies,” you whispered. "She deceives and hurts and maims. Nothing was true. You're nothing that she said."

Quietly, Shadowheart hugged you. She breathed in your scent, felt your touch, heard your voice. You, you, you. She cried against your body. You.

Looking at the rest of your party, you breathed in. "We need a code," you said. "If we ever get into this sort of situation again, we need to say..."

You bite your lips, trying to think of something. Something you wouldn't use in another situation. Something that would be unique, impossible to confuse the meaning.

"Gold," you chose. "Or the rest of us are allowed to go for the kill."

Lae'zel cleared her throat. "Fair enough."

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BALDUR’S GATE 3 TAGLIST: @citrusbunnies

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icanseethefuture333 · 5 months

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Celestial alignment: Pick a pattern in the sky

Messages to realign you with your soul path

Pile 1:

Shufflemancy -

Replay by Lady Gaga

JMK by Sango ft. Xavier Omar

Dog Days Are Over by Florence + The Machine

Ten of Wands, Eight of Cups, The Magician, The World, & Three of Cups

There is a call for you to let go of thoughts that are holding you back. There is something about repetition here that is preventing you from progressing into the next chapter of your life. You could be taking on the burdens of other people as a way to help them. Your guides are urging you to please stop. You are constantly making sacrifices for others when they aren't doing this for you. Your lesson right now is to focus on making yourself the top priority. You are always putting yourself on the back burner. Some people here take care of their family members or work in the medical field. It's understandable to be worried and to care for your loved ones or other people, but who's be concerned about you? Who is making sure that you are alright or have what you need? If nobody is there for you, then you have to be there for yourself. Start making goals or a list of things you wish to accomplish. You need to realize you are worthy and deserving of what you desire, start dreaming again, pile 1. The universe is waiting and ready for your call and demand. Once you have faith in yourself, the universe will be ready to make your dreams come true. A journey of peace, abundance, and celebrations will be coming your way soon.

Summary:

Change your thoughts & way of thinking.

Practice mindfulness & work on releasing limiting beliefs.

Learn how to include self care in your daily routine

Set boundaries

Think about what your goals or dream are

Make a list or a vision board

Research information on manifestation or spirituality that aligns with your beliefs

Pile 2:

Shufflemancy -

Bruises by Kelela

Brain by Mariah the Scientist

Omega by SAAY

Seven of Wands, King of Wands, Wheel of Fortune, The Aeon (Judgement), & Nine of Pentacles

This pile gave me goosebumps when shuffling - You have a very intense aura and strong presence, pile 2! Something about having to "fight" or the "brain" being significant. I'm reminded of this wounded emoji: 🤕. You could suffer from past trauma or have a mental disorder. I had to rewrite for this pile because it didn't save and I felt so frustrated having to write for this pile again, but it made me realize that this is possibly how you feel in life. You are constantly having to work with difficult circumstances without seeing any progress of the outcome. There were a lot of struggles that you had overcome and I am reminded of movie The Truman Show. His entire life was just programmed for him and he was forced to live a life he didn't want for the entertainment of others just so they could have a TV Show to watch. So I feel like people found joy in your misfortune and suffering, which I am terribly sorry for. The thing is though that was in the past and you don't have to deal with these people anymore. You don't have to pretend to be this character that obviously doesn't resonate with you. You can create an entirely new life, new self concept, new everything for yourself. Think of who you want to be as an individual, not what other people have labeled you as or want you to be. You have to start realizing that you are free to do as you please. Life can be like a simulation and we could all be considered avatars, but we don't realize is that we are able to customize our reality in anyway we wish. You have the inner strength and passion but you are just stuck in this survival mode that is not serving you anymore. It is time for you to move on and your spirit guides are being stern with me right now but they're saying "take this shit seriously". If you have a dream or goal you know you wanna do, take action and stop complaining. Stop with the excuses, the self pity, and the martyr complex. Once you start asking the universe for help is when you can start to achieve your dreams. "It's like clockwork". I am seeing that you feel that you're running out of time in life to accomplish your goals but I am reminded of Maddy from Euphoria when she said "Don't worry, this is only just the beginning". Your "shift" or soul purpose has only just begun and time is ticking for real now. I am getting a vision of someone holding a bright lantern in a dark cave and they are like making a come hither motion with their hands. So I believe this is the universe and your guides saying if you need guidance and you are unsure what to do or where to go or how to even begin the project you wish to work on - Ask them. Once you start asking the universe for help shit is going to change in your life dramatically because your purpose is very significant and it is going to be for the better of society but you have to stop being in your ego and acting stubborn because it is not helping you or anyone else for that matter. I'm not saying you have to be some sort of holy messiah or the rebirth of Jesus Christ himself, but you are going to be someone who will make a difference in this world. As you embark on this journey, it is crucial that you pay attention to the signs the universe or spirit gives you. It is okay if you make mistakes but you have to be careful and aware of people or vices that will sabotage you in the end. So listen to your intuition and notice those gut feelings. I feel like people will be giving you your flowers in the future, that could mean you will be someone who has a certain level of status, or this means people will show appreciation or gratitude for your benevolence and charity. You have this gift or tool that the universe has blessed you with and you have to utilize it for the good will of others.

This is a powerful message I channeled from spirit: "Others who have begun early are merely the matches that were chosen out of indulgence, for candles & waxes, the faster they burn, the quicker their ashes will fall. The last one to be picked, is the match that is the resource for those in need of hope and warmth when faced with the darkness."

Summary:

Use your intuition

Release the version of yourself that is no longer serving you

Embrace change & endings

The end of a chapter means a new beginning

Rely on your inner strength & wisdom

Ask for guidance

Focus on what it is meant for you

"All that glitters isn't gold"

Pile 3:

Shufflemancy -

Lemon by N.E.R.D ft. Rihanna

Starface* by Jean Dawson

Screen Time by Epik High ft. HOSHI

The Tower, Four of Pentacles (reversed), Three of Wands, The Sun, & Four of Wands

The pile's energy instantly chirped me up and made so happy! Its interesting how the piles are always so unique in their own way. You could have been or are currently in denial with your circumstances. It reminds me of Hey Ya! by Outkast. Go take a look at that music video or listen to the song if you're unfamiliar with it. It's a fun happy song, but the meaning of the lyrics are actually quite depressing. You could have this mindset of: "Y'all don't wanna hear me you just wanna dance!". You could be someone who is pessimistic and a downer, always wanting to look at things from a more "realistic" perspective. Although, your spirit guides are asking you to actually change this way of thinking. I actually see that you have a really bright and energizing aura! You could be really funny, pile 3! Your purpose could align with having a good sense of humor or being a source of hope and optimism for others. You could be interested in working in the entertainment field. Once you get past this, you will realize how much fun life can actually be! Your past challenges could also be viewed from a more positive standpoint. For example, the situation might have been unfortunate, but did you learn anything valuable? Or was there any positive outcomes because of that said situation. Reflect on your life experiences and lessons to see where the universe actually might have helped you dodge a bullet or blessed you with protection or love. You could also attract new people into your life who will make you feel a sense of joy and gratitude. This pile just reminds me of a fun summer day, where people eat watermelon or have fun at the pool. Another song I'm channeling is Summertime by DJ Jazzy Jeff & Will Smith. You will be celebrating and having a good time with your loved ones in the future soon. I believe honestly your path for now is to focus on happiness and sharing love and light with others!

Summary:

Have fun!

Make jokes that uplift people's energy

Focus on the good vs dwelling in negativity

Try to make someone laugh or smile!

Make plans for the summer

Hang out with your friends or spend time with family

Your past struggles are why you're still here. You overcame a great deal and should be proud of yourself!

#pac #pick a card #pick a pile #astrology #astro observations #astrology observations #spirituality #tarot #tarot cards #tarot deck #tarot reading #oracle #oracle cards

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eemamminy-art · 19 days

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not obligated to answer this but if you have anymore thoughts about alex sdv (or stardew valley at all) please share. i am obsessed with alex

Oh hell yeah anon you've activated my current hyperfixation 😁 I have a google doc where I'm dropping my headcanons and a bulleted timeline for a Alex/m!farmer longfic I've been writing in my head that's up to about 13 pages now ahaha so here's a few things!!

When he first moved to Pelican Town he was actually really quiet and reserved because he was still grieving heavily, so he never really got close to the other kids. He talks about how he played gridball with his mom so I think once he got the chance to play that in school (in another town no doubt) I think he came out of his shell then and made some friends, but all those friends lived far enough away that after graduating high school he's been pretty lonely and never could connect with the other people his own age in town.

He never goes into the saloon to my knowledge prior to the 10-heart event dinner scene, so I headcanon that it's because he doesn't drink alcohol and doesn't want the temptation to try it. I don't remember if it's said explicitly but I got the impression his dad's abuse stemmed from being drunk so I imagine Alex refuses to touch the stuff out of both principle and fear of becoming like his father one day.

I said it in another post but I headcanon him as gay and suffering comphet. He's built himself up as this cool popular guy, so he tries to emulate the sexist straight guys he's seen in movies but there's absolutely nothing behind it. He says something rude to a girl and then is like uhhh (shit what now) bye! 😅 I want to think that in getting to know the farmer he not only does away with that facade but also gets more comfortable in his sexuality!!

and on a sidenote to the above: I hc most of the town as gay or bi and I am toying with the idea of Abby being transfem! Sam/Seb is a given, and maaaybe they're in a poly relationship with Abby but I'm still undecided!! I like Maru/Penny as a concept but need to marinate on that a bit more, I see them always sitting together and it makes me happy but I need to think more on how they met and what their relationship would be like. I don't have anything solid yet in terms of other characters' gender or sexuality headcanons exactly, other than Caroline and Jodi being bi and desperately yearning to run away together 🥰

But back to Alex!! With how his storyline goes of trying to impress others with his jock persona, then trying to switch gears and be super booksmart, I headcanon that he gets close to the farmer via the farmer tutoring him so he can take a community college placement test. :3 My thought for why he's in the rut he's in is that he wanted to play college gridball but his grades in high school were so bad he has done nothing with himself since graduation and has just been stagnating and becoming more and more bitter (which only amps up his shitty attitude when the player first meets him). So trying to get educated is doubly good for him because he can work toward his sports dream (in a way) and try to impress the farmer. Though of course, the thing that brings them closer is Alex learning to be true to himself 😊

This is getting long, so last thing: he's actually a really well-rounded homemaker but does not even think about it really. George has been disabled for a long time, so all of the handy work around the house has to be handled by Alex, and he's so eager to help out his grands. :3 They put a roof over his head so of course he'll climb up onto it to fix the leaks when it rains! Evelyn is always cooking and baking and Alex is so soft for his granny he has been in the kitchen helping her for as long as he's lived with them, so he's actually got a real talent for cooking and baking too! One of the first things he learned after moving in with them was the proper way to set a table, and the best way to wash dishes efficiently. He's spent enough time at Haley's house having no chemistry with the poor girl, but found Emily's whole sewing setup really fascinating and she taught him to mend the holes in his letterman jacket when he asked so he knows how to hand sew! These are all skills that he has but doesn't recognize as skills, he just inherently has this desire to help the people in his life so he picks up this and that to make it easier!

Anyway! Thank you for letting me ramble 😄 Alex is really sweet and soft underneath the mask he wears, and he's been rotating in my head for the last few months hehe

I had bought sdv when it came out but barely touched it, and started it up again on a whim earlier this year and I'm so glad I did!! I really adore the game and it's bringing me a lot of joy currently 🥺

#sdv #stardew valley #sdv alex #alex mullner #headcanons #replies #anonymous

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redrobin-detective · 1 month

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I keep thinking how sad Quill Kipps' whole deal is. He's brought up as a child soldier and he becomes quite good at it, good enough to work at one of the best agencies. He works hard, suffers, loses people, carries on because it's all got to be worth it. He ages in a system that prioritizes youth and feels everything special about him slowly starting to slip away. He has put everything into being an elite agent and he's about to age out of everything he's ever known.

He gets tangled with an unruly bunch of independent agents. They're annoying rule breakers but god they're amazing. Part of his beef with them is he can feel their talent rolling off them in waves making him acutely aware of how his is almost used up. When it becomes unsafe for him to pretend any more, he does what other agents do and becomes a supervisor. He keenly feels the separation from himself and agents in the field and finds he now can't just sit on the sidelines and watch others put their lives at stake when he can't help.

He's adrift, nothing to his name but his old reputation and a set of skills that are no longer useful. He ends up tangled back with the independents because they trust him - need him - and by god does he want to be needed. He wants so desperately to be part of their world again. They find some goggles that allow him to see visitors again and he's like a kid at Christmas. He can finally be involved again! It doesn't have to be over!

While working with them he learns everything he was taught to believe in was a lie, the prestigious agency he gave his entire being for is causing the rise of spirits. Once his involvement is found out, he loses his pension and privileges. He is cut off entirely from his old support system. With nothing left, the independents take him in. He's useful but he knows it's more out of pity. He works hard, almost dies and fights to dismantle the very establishment he spent his best years serving. The battle is won but things stay the same for him.

He is still a young adult clinging with aching fingers onto his childhood and teen years because that was the only way he had purpose. His closest friends are still young teens, five or more years younger than him. He chastises them for their childishness even as he desires more than anything to be one of them. He is Peter Pan, refusing to grow up because there is nothing for him as an adult in haunted England. He does not even look towards his future because he cannot let go of his shining past where he was actually needed.

#lockwood and co #the more I write kipps the more sad I get for him #I grew to like him in the books but getting in his head really hammers home his inherent tragedy #most 21-22 year olds would HATE hanging with 15-16 year olds #but he desperately wants to be one of them again because thats all he knows #the agent system builds these kids up with power and prestige and then throws them to the curb as adults #youre not special anymore not useful #but what is he supposed to do? He stopped education early and he's aged out of his most useful skills #quill kipps

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pinnithin · 7 months

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enver gortash fascinates me from the perspective of his relationship with the dark urge because like, as far as i know his alliance with them is one of the very few he didn’t actively despise. the guy was sold into slavery by his own parents (who tried to justify it by saying their child was a hateful monster and anyone would have done the same) and spent his formative years employed by a devil who gets off on gratuitous levels of suffering and manipulation. and then once he's escaped that and built himself up so he can never be used and enslaved again he meets this bhaalspawn who also had to adapt and survive a violent and manipulative environment for years by becoming the monsters who raised them.

gortash sees how the dark urge has risen to command armies and slaughter hundreds in the same way he outfoxed raphael and ruthlessly controls the people in his employ, and after earning and owning his reputation as a tyrant heres another person who might actually have like, a shared lived experience. not exactly a friend, because people like them can't afford to have friends, but someone who at least understands. and he willingly works with them on this plan to enslave the sword coast and agrees to share power with them.

and then orin lobotomizes them, puts a tadpole in their head, and leaves them for dead at moonrise.

like, can you imagine. youre working with the first person you see eye to eye with and prooooobably arent plotting to actively sabotage (or, at least would hesitate to do so) and the rug just gets yanked out from under them by their own sister, and now you're stuck with her because the plan still has to move along. and as the days go by a group of adventurers start to screw up your plot right when baldur's gate is within your grasp, and you learn that among them is your old almost-friend who you actually liked and respected - and they have no memory of you whatsoever. oh, and on top of that they're rolling with people you've actively fucked over and want to kick your ass.

did it hurt for him to learn this? did he ever think about how things could have been different? did he think, you were supposed to be my ally, my friend, someone who actually understands that becoming a monster is the only way to keep yourself safe and in control. we were going to rule together. and now you're ride or die with this squad of people you've only known for a few weeks at best, and you want me dead. you don't even remember me. you don't even remember yourself.

#thinking about it from my durge's perspective hurts kinda #because losing their memory is the only thing that freed them enough to trust the people around them #and after meeting gortash and learning their history - and how they used to be friends #they probably thought a lot about how things could have been different if there wasnt a literal elder brain under his enslavement #like man if you werent actively in the way of saving the literal world maybe we could have talked about this #if i can overcome a lifetime of senseless slaughter and learn to love i wonder if you can too #but we'll never know #bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #the dark urge #enver gortash #im sure someone has talked about this already but ive just been thinking about it a lot ig #the what-if-ness of it all #long post #pin talks #bg3 gortash

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groenendaelfic · 2 months

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you know I wasn't going to comment on anything s3 in detail or write a super long divisive post because that's draining and tiring and I just want everyone to have fun and find joy in fandom in whatever way is best for them. And yet here we are. Who'd have thought?

All I wanted from season 3 was for Wilmon to talk to and with each other, to get to know each other (better) and to try to understand and support each other and grow together. To be a couple in love and working on their relationship, learning from each other. Them against the world, facing problems together as a team. I wanted romance and hugs and honesty, and all I got was them being horny. I mean don't get me wrong I love them being horny, but I don't want that to be their entire (positive) relationship and the only thing they have going for them as a couple. Please just have an actual, proper conversation with each other?

This post however is not about that. This post is about Kristina.

I hate what they did with her. I hate her entire character arc (if you can call it that) in s3. I hate what triggered her breakdown. I hate that instead of breaking the circle of abuse and emotional and physical neglect she no doubt suffered, she perpetuated it.

She left her son alone when he needed her most. When all he needed was a hug and a good long cry and the assurance that he's not alone, that she's there for him. That she understands. For someone (his family) to be there and listen and assure him that for them, Wille comes first. (I mean not all, he also needed proper therapy for one, but that'd have been a great and important start)

Wille is a child. Her child. Wille needed her and she failed him. She pushed him away and she sent him away and she left him alone.

(the same is true for Ludvig of course, it'd be extremely sexist etc to not put the exact same expectations and blame on him as well, but alas this post is only indirectly about him as everything always is at best)

However.

Her son is dead.

She's been groomed to believe her entire purpose in life is to be a mascot (which comes with very specific expectations and restrictions she herself said she struggled to adapt to) and to give birth to the next mascot.

I don't pity her for that, but that's still her entire identity and purpose in life. It's always been, and now the next mascot is dead and she has to burden the son she thought would be spared with it all, pun very much intended.

But let's return to my first point first. Her son is dead. Not just the next mascot. Her son.

Yes, Wille's brother died as well and I'll never make light of that. It's horrible and a grief and pain impossible to put into words. Especially as a kid or young teen. Wille needs all the support. Still.

It's not the same.

I know it's not the same because I know exactly what it's like. Both of it.

Granted I'm not a queen, but I did have a cousin who died aged sixteen. We lived in the same house their entire life and shared a bedroom for years. We were like siblings. It was my first time experiencing the death of a close loved one and it was horrible. We all struggled for a long time. Their siblings and I and the entire family, and they will never be forgotten, but it broke my aunt and uncle. Fifteen years later and they're still broken.

I also have two sons and a spouse who are dead (no I didn't lose them, I know exactly where they are) and I promise you it's not the same. A dead sibling is nothing like a dead child. (not that it's a competition)

I'm not going to talk about what it does to you internally, but I will tell you what you'll experience from the outside world when your family dies excitingly enough to make it to the local newspaper. Then feel free to multiply it by a large number of your own choosing when you're royalty and the entire country is looking at you and you've been groomed to never lose composure.

Everyone will call and show up and want to show their support and their condolences (that lasts until about a week or so after the funeral). And they will get two words in and break down and cry, each and every one of them, and then it's your job to console them and be strong and deal with all the arrangements and lawyers and bureaucracy. And it'll have to be you for most things no matter how supportive your family might be, because it's you who needs to sign shit and show the school a death certificate. Everyone will mean well, but it'll be everyone else who'll require reassurance and you who'll have no choice but to function because at first there's so much to do. So much. You won't have time to breathe until after the funeral, and after that there're still so much more to do and take care of you'd never have considered before. For weeks. You can ask someone else to drive you but it'll still be you who's required to show up and do the thing. Some things will drag out for months and more. You don't have time to break down and be weak. You can't afford to, because you also have a job and other responsibilities and a duty to your dead loved ones.

But then the day comes when it's 'over' and there's nothing more to do. Sure people still look at you with pity and whisper behind your back wherever you go and fall quiet, unsure how to react or what to say, because you're now the lady who lost her family in a freak accident, but everything and everyone else moves on. That's normal. It can't not. But it's that quiet after which is the most dangerous.

I hate that they made Kristina's breaking point her son publicly coming out as queer, renouncing following traditions without thought and admitting to having been in the video. I hate it so much, because that was a choice made with an entirely different motive behind the one I'll expound on now and I hate that. Don't instrumentalize grief and the loss of a child and sibling to further prove and underline your political agenda (which I agree with). It cheapens it and was very much unnecessary. We all would've gotten the point without it as well.

But you know what? I can't fault Kristina for that.

You don't know your breaking point until you reach it. It can be anything. There's a reason the saying goes 'the straw that broke the camel's back'. Everyone has a different one and they often feel very ridiculous to oneself (which is a very helpful feeling in that situation, believe me /s). I've talked to numerous people who've gone through something similar. In my support group and in grief counseling and group therapy. No one I've met had a 'logical' breaking point.

Mine came late last fall when I saw a robin outside my window. Yes a bird. We'd have one come every winter to eat the oats and raisins etc we put out for it, and my youngest would spend endless hours every day before dusk looking out that window waiting for the robin to come and eat for a few moments at a time, less if he started clapping out of excitement.

That was it. Boom. I was useless for the next seven weeks.

You don't let your grief overcome you. That isn't a choice. You don't choose not to function when a loved one dies. You don't choose to be depressed or to have the most ridiculous thing be your breaking point. You don't choose to be too strong to not let the grooming break you or to be too weak to be unable to break out of it. And you don't choose to be unable to sit at a birthday party and enjoy cake with a son you know you'll have to force into a role he never wanted, the one your dead son was supposed to fill.

Does that make Kristina any less of a shitty mom? No, of course not. Nor does it change anything for Wille. Kristina's grief shouldn't be Wille's concern. But you don't choose any of that, and the stronger you have to appear the farther you'll fall once you just can't hold it together anymore.

I grew up with a very large, multicultural extended family. There wasn't an hour I was awake at home as a kid when I wasn't hugged or kissed by a younger cousin or aunt or my mom (it was super annoying). We talked and still talk about everything. I married into a family which was a bit less physical and more Swedish in showing their affection, but they are still very open and loving and genuine. I had all the support I could ask for. They're the best and I couldn't have asked for more.

It's not enough. Your child is dead. And Kristina had none of that.

Is Kristina (and Ludvig) super annoying for going on and on and on about Erik and how perfect he was? About always bringing him up when they have a son right there who needs them desperately?

Yes. It annoyed me too. I kept catching myself being furious on Wille's behalf and Simon's with how Wille reacted to the not-comparison between Erik and Sara. But I understand Wille's reaction to Simon and I understand Kristina and Ludvig.

Because once your child / sibling / spouse / dog dies?

They become perfect. My oldest once poured syrup where he shouldn't (it was a Nordic winter night and the car was thirsty) resulting in us being out of our only car, our insurance laughing at us, and us unable to afford a new one. It cost a lot of money, my spouse almost their job and made our life a lot harder for well over a year. He was old enough to know better (and leave the house by himself to go outside and play). He never did anything wrong in his life. He was perfect. They were all perfect.

Erik? What we learn about him is horrifying, and it being normalized and dare I say institutionalized, with him probably not having second guessed his actions, makes it worse instead of better. I do believe Erik was the kind of guy who just didn't (care to) think and merely did what was expected without further thought. That doesn't make it better either, because those kinds of people are the ones who keep corrupt systems running. I might be wrong about his character entirely, but it doesn't matter, because as soon as he died he became perfect.

It's weird what death does to our perception of a loved one. Or maybe not. It's also weird what death does to our perception of everything, because suddenly everything will remind us of that person.

A cloud? A scent? A sound? Toilet paper? Kristina is at the stage where everything she sees and feels and smells and hears will remind her of Erik and his death. Of how he's dead and now Wille has to become him and that is the worst.

Also her son is dead.

No she can't just pull herself together and eat the damn cake. Everything she talks about is Erik because everything she currently is is Erik. Her son who is dead.

There is a reason this is such an often used trope in fiction.

Kristina spent all her life being told that her duty to the throne is her only purpose in life. Be queen. Represent Sweden. Produce an heir. Part of why she's as old as she is is no doubt because Pernilla August is awesome and you can't not hire her when that's an option, but nothing else in this show is a coincidence and done without thought, so I refuse to believe that Kristina hasn't always been meant to be an older mom.

Maybe she had fertility issues. Maybe she for whatever reason didn't want kids and put it off for as long as she could. She's certainly not maternal. Unlike every other woman her generation, no one ever expected her to be maternal. That's not her job.

Quite the opposite. Kristina is old enough to have been raised at a time when royal mothers weren't expected to have any hand in raising their children except for approving (or rather disapproving chosen) nannies and playmates and tutors and the like. She was very likely the first female heir apparent, or maybe she was simply the heir because she had no (male) siblings. Either way her job was always to be a monarch, not a woman or a mother. That's what staff is for. That's not an excuse, but it does explain her as a character.

She was groomed and forced herself to adjust (I do believe forced is the right word, because unlike Erik she seems to (have) be(en) a lot more like Wille than she'd like to admit). She had to be strong and queen and represent Sweden. And then her son and heir died and she failed at both.

I do believe Erik was always the 'easier' child, doing what he was told and taking only the freedoms he knew he'd be granted, while Wille is willful, argues, has a temper and his own head. (that doesn't mean Erik was happier or better adjusted)

And now Erik is dead and Wille has to fit the mold. Wille who got to go to a normal school and clubbing and was let to run wild with little preparation for the role he'd someday have to support his brother with. Arguments can be made that Kristina and everyone else never cared about Wille until they needed him, but I'd like to think she meant well and gave him the freedom she could, and because she is a bad parent she thought she was being kind, and because she is queen no one told her otherwise until it became a problem.

Kristina has never been a good parent, and I honestly believe saying someone meant well is an insult and not an excuse, but I do believe she tried the best with what she knew, the best she could.

It wasn't enough, it was the opposite of enough, but she tried and her breakdown is not a weakness but something which was a long time in coming.

She's not maternal. Her job wasn't to be maternal. Her job is to be a mascot and have other people make sure the next mascot is fed and watered and able to perform. Her being too brainwashed to see how horrifying that is does not make her innocent or any less of a bad mother, but why would she think of acting any other way?

She's ashamed of her breakdown. She can't be weak. Not in front of the nation and not in front of her son and heir. Wille can learn and grow and change. Everyone can and it's never too late, but Kristina here is meant to be what Wille risks becoming if he doesn't, if he gives up and becomes a thoughtless mascot.

Kristina is not a victim and I can't forgive her for being a shit mom, but she's also not the devil. She's a mother who lost her child, and she's spent her whole life being told that the worst thing she can do is to appear weak.

Well guess what? At one point that simply doesn't work anymore.

This post by the lovely @voldiebeth is what motivated me to write a similar one. I originally planned on reblogging and merely adding my own thoughts, and I did talk to her before posting, but then it became something even more personal than originally planned, and considering the difficulty of the subject I found myself more comfortable making this a standalone post. I know that's not proper tumblr etiquette, but please bear with me. Many thanks to @voldiebeth for motivating me to put my convoluted thoughts and feelings in writing and order them a bit. It was very cathartic.

#On an entirely different point #I'll never be able to wrap my head around how Farima of all people turned out to be the best kindest and most functioning adult around #despite representing a dysfunctional system #Followed by Micke of all people?#Every other adult was crap!#Ramirez might get a tiny #hypocritical bonus point #but Boris you too!#what was that?#Your job did not end with Wille giving his speech!#oh and I'm not asking for condolences #that is not the point of this post #yr s3 spoilers #queen kristina #young royals meta #young royals analysis #young royals #random ramblings

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highpriestessarchives · 2 months

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Existentialism and Idealism in the Obsessed Artist Trope: The Role of Destruction in the Pursuit of Authenticity

A/N: this is long (2,455 words) and I’m sorry

Index

Introduction Existentialism and the Obsessed Artist Idealism and the Obsessed Artist The Search for Authenticity The Comfort in the Familiar Hurt So... What Now? Closing Words

Introduction

There is an odd sense of awe in losing one’s sanity for their passions… at least, that’s what characters like Nina Sayers (Black Swan) or Beth Harmon (The Queen’s Gambit) portray.

The Obsessed Artist trope is a prevalent motif in literature, art, and popular culture, depicting individuals consumed by their creative pursuits to the point of obsession. While this trope often romanticizes the notion of madness linked to genius, it also serves as a cautionary tale. The Obsessed Artist character often pays a heavy personal price for their single-minded pursuit of artistic perfection, sometimes culminating in self-destruction. The trope therefore underscores the potential dangers of obsession, illustrating how the relentless pursuit of an abstract ideal can lead to isolation, mental health issues, and even physical harm. Yet, despite these risks, the Obsessed Artist remains a figure of fascination, embodying the human struggle to create, express, and find meaning in a complex universe. Why is that?

In trying to unpack why I was so obsessed with the Obsessed Artist trope, I had to do a little digging into my own patterns. I realized that watching people deteriorate because of something they're passionate about is probably the epitome of tragedy, in my opinion; and it’s not because I like seeing people suffer. It’s more so because it’s cathartic, in a way.

I can see myself in them. That’s the easiest way to put it. I think of what I am passionate about and feel like it would never be enough for a number of factors. To dig a little deeper: I feel as though my work won’t be valid unless I’m hurt because of it, like there’s a semblance of pain that needs to be paid in order for something to be valuable.

Now, as it’s written, that’s not a healthy outlook; but, I thought, “But that’s normal, isn’t it? I mean, nothing worthwhile is ever easy.”

Existentialism and the Obsessed Artist

Now, I want to pose a scenario for anyone reading: If a golden chalice was on the opposite side of a rose bush, would you go through its thorns? And if you were to discover that there was nothing in that gold chalice, that it was left behind for a reason, what can you say about your pain then?

In one post, I talked about Kierkegaardian Despair and how Kierkegaard was an existentialist that talked about utilizing one’s own despair since despair is inevitable. I thought that answered the question as to why I believed I had to suffer in order to achieve things: existentialists argue that individuals must confront suffering and embrace it as an integral aspect of their journey towards authenticity and meaning. This does not necessarily mean seeking out suffering for its own sake but rather acknowledging its presence and learning from it in order to live more fully and authentically.

The trope of the Obsessed Artist often intersects with existentialist themes, particularly in its exploration of the relationship between passion, suffering, and creative expression. The Obsessed Artist archetype typically depicts individuals who are consumed by their artistic pursuits to the point of obsession, often sacrificing their personal well-being, relationships, and even sanity in the process.

From an existentialist perspective, the Obsessed Artist embodies the existential struggle to find meaning and authenticity through creative expression. The artist’s obsession with their craft can be seen as a manifestation of their quest for purpose and identity in a world devoid of inherent meaning. Suffering, whether self-imposed or external, becomes a central theme in the Artist’s journey, driving them to confront existential questions about the nature of existence, the value of their work, and the significance of their artistic vision. We’ll get to more on authenticity later.

To put it simply, perhaps the Artist chooses destruction, subconsciously or otherwise, in order to feel something about themselves. However, I still felt that something was missing.

Idealism and the Obsessed Artist

For me, the relation to the Obsessed Artist trope wasn’t too much in asserting my own agency and knowing myself as existentialist thinkers would say. There was something more, something that had to explain why I believed that “madness” was worth the goal, or why the goal required despair or pain.

In other words, “Perhaps the ‘why’ is answered in the ‘what.’” As in, what we are trying to create. Perhaps another reasoning behind the Obsessed Artist’s descent to madness and suffering is explained in what they are trying to produce. For example, going back to the Golden Chalice scenario, the Obsessed Artist allowed themselves to be cut by the thorn bushes because they wanted the chalice.

Once again, I looked into my own art. My writing projects and most of my art pieces, such as “Resemblance,” has a theme of connecting the mundane with the metaphysical. Idealism, as a philosophical perspective, posits that reality is fundamentally mental or spiritual in nature. It emphasizes the role of transcendent truths and spiritual insights in shaping human understanding and perception of reality.

From an idealist perspective, creative genius is seen as a manifestation of their ability to tap into higher forms of consciousness or reality. A creative’s heightened sensitivity to the world around them allows them to perceive and communicate truths that are inaccessible to others. This notion of genius is closely intertwined with the idealist belief in the existence of transcendent truths or spiritual insights that lie beyond the material world.

A/N: Even though I can resonate with this notion in a spiritual sense, this does not mean that one has to be religious or anything similar along those lines in order to comprehend it. One can still apply this connection to “transcendent truths or spiritual insights” in the sense of understanding other complex natures such as how human nature works or whatever one’s thoughts are about our connection with the universe and those around us

Idealism offers a nuanced understanding of the link between genius and madness by recognizing the Artist’s struggles as integral to their creative process. The Artist’s experiences of mental illness or psychological instability are not simply signs of pathology but are also seen as expressions of their heightened sensitivity and depth of perception. In this way, idealism provides a framework for appreciating the complexities of the Artist’s psyche and the role of mental health in shaping their artistic vision.

The Search for Authenticity

Now, what does it mean to search for authenticity and how does relate to the role of suffering in pursuit of purpose?

Existentialism

Existentialist thinkers such as Jean-Paul Sartre and Friedrich Nietzsche argue that individuals must confront the reality of their existence and make choices that align with their authentic selves. For the Artist, authenticity plays a crucial role in their creative process and pursuit of their dreams. The Artist seeks to express their unique perspective, emotions, and experiences through their art, striving to create work that is genuine and reflective of their innermost self. This authenticity is not merely about artistic style or technique but extends to the Artist’s willingness to confront their own vulnerabilities, uncertainties, and struggles in their creative endeavors. Suffering, within the context of authenticity, becomes a means through which the Artist asserts their individuality and autonomy. By embracing their experiences of pain, hardship, and adversity, the Artist affirms their authenticity and commitment to their artistic vision. Suffering becomes a testament to the Artist’s willingness to confront the complexities of existence and express themselves truthfully, even in the face of existential uncertainty.

Idealism

At the same time, in idealist philosophy, authenticity is often associated with aligning oneself with transcendent ideals or spiritual principles. The quest for authenticity involves seeking to live in harmony with these higher principles and values, rather than being driven solely by material desires or worldly concerns. Idealist thinkers argue that true authenticity lies in recognizing the ultimate reality of the spiritual realm and striving to live in accordance with its principles. From this perspective, the Obsessed Artist's quest for authenticity may involve seeking to express and embody transcendent beauty, truth, or spiritual insight through their art. The Artist’s dedication to their craft and their willingness to confront their own psyche and emotions may be seen as manifestations of their quest to understand higher forms of consciousness or reality. Moreover, within idealism, authenticity may also involve a recognition of one’s own intrinsic worth and value as a spiritual being. The Artist’s pursuit of authenticity may therefore be intertwined with a deeper understanding of their own identity and purpose within the larger cosmic order. Suffering does not have the same sense of inevitability in idealism as it does in existentialism, but idealist aspects can explain why suffering exists. In this trope, it may be used to channel into the Artist’s creative process as a means of expressing and grappling with existential questions, emotional turmoil, and spiritual insights. Art becomes a vehicle for transcending the limitations of individual suffering and connecting with universal themes of human experience, ultimately contributing to the search for authenticity both for the Artist and the audience. Perhaps I can write another post on literary devices that use idealist methods of transcending suffering; but, as this post deals with trying to understand why one can feel the need to suffer in order to have something valuable, it does not quite fit.

The Comfort in the Familiar Hurt

Alright, so perhaps I feel the need to suffer in order to validate my work because there is something authentic in that validity in comparison to art without pain. Whether it’s because there is a strong sense of self-awareness in recognizing suffering as a necessity or in that suffering is a tool that links the mundane with the metaphysical, I will subconsciously await that despair and pain while in pursuit of my own truths and happiness.

So, if the why behind the Obsessed Artist’s spiral is explained by the Artist’s attempt to physically represent their own psyche or mental health and how they view the world and/or their attempt to understand themselves amidst all of that, what does that say about destruction being a manifestation of those attempts?

For that, the answer seemed simple enough: it’s easier to destroy than to create.

After all, the Obsessed Artist destroys themselves, their relationships, their livelihood all in their attempt to create something. They seem to cause more harm to the point where it becomes second nature for the character for a number of reasons:

Catharsis and Release: Destruction can serve as a form of catharsis for the Artist, allowing them to release pent-up emotions, frustrations, and existential angst. The act of destroying their work or their surroundings may provide a temporary sense of relief from the pressures of creativity and the burdens of self-expression. By relinquishing control and succumbing to the chaotic force of destruction, the Artist may experience a momentary respite from the turmoil of their own psyche.

Escape from Perfectionism: The Obsessed Artist may struggle with perfectionism and an insatiable desire for artistic excellence. Destruction offers a way to escape from the relentless pursuit of perfection and the anxiety of never being able to live up to their own high standards. By destroying their work or sabotaging their efforts, the Artist can temporarily alleviate the pressure to create something flawless and unattainable, embracing imperfection and embracing the inherent chaos of existence.

Expression of Inner Turmoil: Through the act of destruction, the Artist externalizes their internal struggles and confronts the inherent contradictions and complexities of their own psyche. This outward expression of inner turmoil serves as a form of self-validation, allowing the Artist to confront their demons and make sense of their existential predicament through the medium of destruction.

Rebellion Against Conformity: The Obsessed Artist may rebel against societal norms and expectations, seeking to carve out their own path and assert their individuality in a world that often stifles creativity and authenticity. Destruction becomes a rebellious act of defiance, a way for the Artist to break free from the constraints of societal norms and expectations and assert their autonomy and independence. By destroying their own work or rejecting conventional notions of success, the Artist asserts their freedom to create on their own terms, even if it means embracing destruction as a form of creative expression.

The Artist becomes locked in a cycle of creating and destroying, each act serving as a manifestation of their ongoing quest for self-expression and existential understanding. The destruction wrought by the Artist extends beyond their artistic endeavors to encompass their relationships, livelihood, and ultimately, their own sense of self.

The belief that it is easier to destroy than to create reflects the Artist’s profound existential struggle and the overwhelming weight of their creative burden. The act of destruction becomes a coping mechanism, a way for the Artist to release pent-up emotions and navigate the complexities of their own psyche. Yet, paradoxically, this destructive impulse only serves to perpetuate the Artist’s suffering, trapping them in a cycle of despair and existential turmoil.

So… What Now?

Again, the Obsessed Artist is a cautionary tale. Hopefully, it’s not a person’s desire to emulate the behaviors shown in these characters. In fact, by learning from the Obsessed Artist and integrating these philosophical perspectives into our approach to art and self-expression, we can cultivate a healthier and more sustainable creative process.

Embrace Authenticity Without Self-Destruction

Recognize that authenticity in artistic expression does not necessitate self-destructive behavior. While existentialist themes may highlight the importance of confronting inner turmoil and existential angst, it’s crucial to find constructive outlets for these emotions rather than resorting to destructive habits. By channeling existentialist ideals of authenticity and self-awareness into positive and productive avenues, we can create art that is both genuine and nourishing to our well-being

Challenge Perfectionism

Challenge the notion of perfectionism and embrace the imperfections inherent in the creative process. Incorporate elements of idealist philosophy by recognizing the beauty and value of authenticity over flawless execution. Allow yourself the freedom to experiment, make mistakes, and learn from failures without succumbing to self-criticism or destructive habits. Embrace the journey of self-discovery and growth inherent in the creative process, rather than fixating on unattainable standards of perfection.

Closing Words

Ultimately, this engagement with the Obsessed Artist trope can potentially furnish us with a roadmap towards a more enlightened and fulfilling artistic vocation, one predicated upon the transcendence of personal limitations and the cultivation of a more profound artistic ethos. In so doing, we may embark upon a trajectory characterized by a fidelity to authenticity, an attunement to self-awareness, and a fortitude in the face of adversity.

Of course, these thoughts are just that: thoughts. All of this is merely my own attempt in understanding my fascination with aspects of literature, art, and life. You may resonate with it or disagree entirely or feel something in between.

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phoenixblaze1412 · 5 months

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( > 3<) >🩷 HAI you already know who i am 😓 but can we get another baizhu x gn!ready fluff? -🎀

You never have to worry about healing your injuries or treating your illnesses because Baizhu has the remedies and cures at the ready.

With Baizhu as your partner, his first priority would always be you, even if he's suffering himself.

Which is why you tend to avoid yourself from getting hurt so you can take care of him instead, even ignoring him whenever he would say that he is fine when he is clearly not.

Changsheng is the one who snitches to you about everything that Baizhu has done that is either embarrassing or worrying.

"Your hussband bought you thiss pair of beautiful braceletss, he wanted you and him to wear each one."

"Changsheng, please... that was supposed to be my gift for them for our anniversary."

"(Y/n), come quick, thiss hussband of yourss got hurt after we encountered a ssmall group of hilichurlss."

"I'm alright, dear. I can take care of myself. I am a doctor after all."

"He jusst lied."

"Hush, Changsheng."

Qiqi would always refer to you as her mother, even before you married Baizhu. Considering how you would always be worrying and taking care of her and how she would see you and Baizhu exchanging forehead and cheek kisses to one another. She learned at that time that when two people do that then that means they're married. And since Qiqi saw Baizhu as her father figure, you are now recognized as her mother.

With Baizhu always cooped up at the pharmacy, you would always come and visit him daily to make sure he takes a break to relax and stretch his legs.

Baizhu memorized your daily schedule of whenever you would come to the pharmacy to invite him out to eat lunch. Hence, he would always inform Qiqi to take care of the pharmacy while he spends time with you.

Sometimes when Baizhu is overworking himself and isn't in the mood to sleep, you can easily change his mind by giving him a peck on the lips before leading him towards your shared bed to sleep. It always works and Baizhu isn't even complaining about how effective it is. As long as he gets to be pampered in your affections then he would gladly accept it.

Baizhu would let you braid his hair when he is too busy to do it himself. He also uses it as an excuse to be able to melt into your touch as your fingers glide through the strands of his hair, it always manages to give him butterflies in his stomach.

He would always prefer the meals you cook than those you can buy from a restaurant or when other people cook it when you're not with him. There's just this homely feeling he gets whenever he eats your homecooked meals. Besides, he always likes seeing you cook, it gives him a chance to stand behind you and wrap his arms around your waist.

You don't have to worry about Baizhu liking another person because his heart belongs to you only. He did marry you after all, he courted you for five years straight, he isn't afraid nor scared to tie the knot and put a ring on your finger.

There was this one time that Changsheng informed you about how a customer confessed their feelings to Baizhu at the pharmacy.

"He only sstared straight through them as if they were blocking hiss view. Ha! Can you believe that man? He even showed hiss wedding ring before rejecting them and telling the customer their bill for consulting him."

Baizhu would always be seeking out your affections. He cannot last a day if you weren't able to give him a kiss on the lips.

This man is a tease. He always like seeing your cheeks puffed up in a pout whenever he avoided kissing your lips. You just look so adorable he can't help it.

What he likes even more is seeing your face flushed red. He would whisper either sweet or suggestive things to you and watch as your face would turn as red as a tomato.

Sometimes you both could be seen cuddling on the couch and talk about random topics that would appear in your mind.

"Would you still love me if I turned into a worm?"

"What gave you such thought, dear? Of course I'd still love you, I'd even make a remedy to turn you back... only if Changsheng hasn't eaten you yet."

#genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #gender neutral reader #baizhu #baizhu x reader

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featherwingfae · 2 months

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Gonna try to make this a "Quick post".

(warning some light swearing)

Maybe, just maybe one of the reasons we're seeing so many new Therians nowadays is because humans have fucked up the earth so bad that the universe just went fuck it and threw in a bunch of nature brains to balance things out. People who wouldn't just be able to look at the devastation of wildlife and their homes and just move on like nothing happened. Because they can see themselves in those creatures, and it hurts them to know that they are suffering. And maybe if there's enough nature brains, seeing themselves in the withering world around them, then more and more people might stand up and say this isn't right. We need to fix this. And maybe in a human world where one of the most lovely traits of humanity is being able to work together a bunch of nature brains with human faces can make a difference. They say animals can't speak human. Well they can, and are. Maybe Therians are the voices of nature coming out from the wilds, to places and bodies where they're not comfortable, where the air is heavy with pollution and trash litters the ground. And they have to learn weird shit like math, and work exhausting jobs that are often just to pay the bills that allow them to keep surviving. All so that they can see the damage from the other side and better understand the problem and together find solutions to stop it.

I'm not saying humans (and others) can't and/or dont do anything. I'm saying it's harder to do nothing when you look at creatures suffering and see yourself. Empathy is a beautiful thing. It helps connect us. But in a world where almost no one can afford the barest minimum just to survive. Where finding happiness feels like a struggle because you're constantly grinding and pushing yourself beyond your mental, emotional and/or physical boundaries, how easy is it to just shut yourself off. To put on the blinders because you're stuck yourself and you don't feel like there's anything you can do, so why upset yourself further by caring. It's sad. Terribly sad. Soul crushingly, heart wrenchingly sad.

Most people nowadays suffer from anxiety, depression or some other mental illness. And yes those illnesses are more known and understood now, and are more easily diagnosed. But I think the reason we see them everywhere now, is as simple as everyone is suffering. The human world in its current state, is not a healthy place. Fun times are often merely distraction from the crushing reality around us. It hurts to accept how much hurt there is right now.

I'm not saying it's all on the shoulders of Therians. I'm not saying you have to quit your job or your school and run off into the wild picking up every piece of litter and chaining yourself to trees. That's not what this post is about.

This post is about the increase of Therians and my personal hypothesis as to why there's so many now. And it's as simple as this. One Therian does not shoulder all the burden of the earth. Just as one human does not. But if there are Therians in schools, going "hey look at this little/big guy isn't he cute/cool" showing their friends and classmates"it's so sad he's going extinct because his home is being destroyed" , Therians on trails, streets, beaches seeing litter and using just a little bit of their time to remove at least some of it. Therians in stores refusing to buy certain products because of animal cruelty/testing, Therians manifesting/praying to help even if it's just a little bit, Therians on the Internet/TV spreading awareness, Therians in government actually trying to do what's best for the environment and the people, instead of just what's best for their bank account etc etc.

In reference to that horrible math stuff, a million ones together doesn't equal nothing. No matter how small an act it still adds up to something. Therians everywhere means more people who can't forget, who can't move on, who can't just shutdown and hope for the best. People who feel like they have to do something. So they don't eventually see themselves disappear (go extinct).

The universe and the earth can sometimes have a funny way of balancing things out. Maybe Therians are one way to at least try regaining that balance.

I'm overjoyed to see more Therians. Because I feel like more Therians means more voices for nature, and more chances to save this beautiful planet ☺️✨🌍🌎🌏💚

Anyway that's my two cents. Sorry this post ended up being longer than I intended 😅

And now my fascinating and fantastic creatures, great and small, furry, feathered, scaled or whatever-ed, and all others of open mind who took time to read my ramblings, I wish upon you a most glorious day/night. May we all follow our hearts/souls to do what we feel we can for this magnificent planet. ✨

👁️🪽✨🌟🌱❄️🪻🍀🌎🍄🌹💚🌍🌵🌈⛈️🌠🦊🐁💙

Till next time

#nonhuman #nature #otherkin #therian #therianthropy #stop therian hate #alterhuman #alterhuman community #kintypes #Therians For Nature #otherkin thoughts #alterhuman things #faerie kin #fae kin #Fae kin thoughts #Therian love

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pinksilvace · 9 months

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A few weeks back, I made a comment to the effect of, "Belos views himself as the single human character in a muppets production." It has since then spiraled into an entire AU in my head that refuses to leave me alone. A few weeks back, I made a comment to the effect of, "Belos views himself as the single human character in a muppets production." It has since then spiraled into an entire AU in my head that refuses to leave me alone.

The basic premise:

Caleb and Evelyn found a weekly children's program ("The Boiling Isles") that features puppets; little Philip is featured as the one human, and since the episodes with him do much better than the ones without, he grows up into the role and eventually becomes a big part of the production staff as well

When Caleb and Evelyn die in an accident, Philip inherits the show

Some of the main (puppet) characters are named Luzura, Willow, Amity, and Augustus (you can see where I'm going with this). Philip would be able to stand these puppets on their own BUT

In promotional materials and interviews, he is ALWAYS asked what it's like to "work with" Luzura/Willow/Amity/Gus. Philip is absolutely INFURIATED by this because they're PUPPETS why can't anybody see that they're PUPPETS don't you care about the STAFF or the ARTISTS or the LIGHTING MANAGERS why does everybody pretend that the PUPPETS are REAL PEOPLE and why does HE have to pretend that the PUPPETS are when he responds??? He's convinced that some of the interviewers genuinely believe that the puppets are alive and tries to patiently explain that, no, they are just puppets. The interviewers always refuse to break the immersion.

Expanded AU thoughts are under the cut.

Caleb and Evelyn meet at an arts college. Evelyn is a film student, and the show's prototype is her capstone project. Caleb offers to bring Philip in as an actor and it sticks. Caleb also helps make some of the first puppets.

Little Philip's identity is protected by 1) the presence of a mask, and 2) the stage name "Belos". The name sticks around for his on-screen appearances.

While sticking around the set, Philip learns a lot about the different areas of production. He especially likes building sets, backdrops, props, and puppets, though he finds the writing process interesting as well. When he's old enough to help out with paperwork, he takes over the logistical side of things because tbh both Caleb and Evelyn are helpless when it comes to that

By the time Philip takes over, he's basically the head supervisor of every single department. His management makes the show's popularity explode

Philip is definitely the best at building and controlling puppets. Every now and then, he makes an extra-large "final boss" sort of puppet that only he is physically capable of controlling, and some of them end up in museums

Philip raises Hunter, but he's sort of the neglectful sort. He's ultra-focused on keeping the show his brother put so much thought, effort, and love into alive, and it makes literally any semblance of life he might have had outside of the show suffer

Similarly to Philip, Hunter grows up on set, but not as an actor. The production staff looks after him. When he's old enough, he also becomes a part of the test audience

The production staff is composed of the Emperor's Coven members in canon; i.e. Darius is in charge of lighting and wires, Raine is the sound director, Eberwolf is the lead puppet master, Hettie is the on-site medic, etc.

Luz and Camila are also a part of the test audience. I'm going to pretend that Philip and Camila are good buds in this AU. Philip inserts Luzura into the show as a character based on Luz

Basically most of the ire that Philip has in this AU is directed toward the puppets because they're not REAL why are THEY getting the GLORY can we PLEASE not pretend that these PUPPETS have thoughts and feelings and personalities???

He also doesn't leave because 1) the aforementioned attachment to something Caleb loved so much, and 2) he's put too much effort into this show already and he knows that no replacement could ever be so proficient at his job

Let's be real, Philip's work ethic is super unsustainable, and it DEFINITELY keeps him from grieving properly

When Hunter reveals that he does not, in fact, want to inherit the company that Philip has built, it's CRUSHING to Philip, who feels like giving it up would be disrespecting Caleb's legacy, unaware that he's staring Caleb's legacy in the face

Ideally Philip's arc (which I have hardly described here) would end with wealthy retirement and him being able to say "goodbye Boiling Isles" and never having to appear alongside those godforsaken puppets ever again

#my art #belmup au #mullet caleb mullet caleb mullet caleb #I'll be honest the art was just an excuse to talk about this au but mullet caleb will forever live in my heart #the owl house #toh fanart #caleb wittebane #philip wittebane #emperor belos #toh au #evelyn clawthorne #also yes all of the puppets are left handed :) that was very important to Evelyn #fernart

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bung3665 · 5 months

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Some Dynamics and Character Lore From GGZ

Given the title, this won't cover everything, especially the dynamics that are present for GGZ-only characters, but I thought I'd make a post for Hi3 characters that are present in GGZ for those of you who like to draw fanart/write fanfiction. As well as the fact that I like talking about GGZ.

Fair warning: this is going to be long, I have a bad habit of going into too much detail on things like this, so please bear with me.

For this post in particular, I was going to focus on multiple characters but this ended up being so long I relegated to it just being about Kiana and Mei, and more specifically two versions of them. I might make a follow up post for Bronya/Seele/Sin at another time.

Trigger warning for attempted suicide below. I feel like I should include this just in case.

Short introduction but that's all I have to say before diving into the material.

Kiana/Mei

It shouldn't really be a surprise that Kiana's greatest dynamic is with Mei and only Mei. The two are a lot more blatant with their feelings and relationship in GGZ. However, their relationship is also more tumultuous than in Hi3. They are a good example of doomed yuri, besides the ending to the Reborn storyline, which is bittersweet at the least and good at the most.

The writing of GGZ carries the same theme as Honkai 3rd, fighting against the fate of the world and for all that's beautiful. GGZ tends to explore the darker aspects to this setting, often times mixing in heavier themes while doubling down on the struggles of the characters. At times, it can be almost over the top, but I think its cohesive and still a finely crafted story.

It should come as no shocker that Kiamei is the primary ship of GGZ, it's outright confirmed that they love each other at points throughout the story. Sometimes it is for lesbian bait, but on the whole I think their writing is good and the way they rely on each other for support is nice.

Kiana and Mei are more grounded in GGZ, if I had to word it. They're still incredibly resilient, but there are times where they crack mentally. It happens to Kiana more than it does to Mei (save for the last arc, where it's all about Mei suffering), but seeing them work through these things does deepen the bond they have.

Now with all that said, let's move on to the actual content of this post.

Retrospective

Retro is the story you play when you first start the game, this is the "first half" of GGZ's story in some regard. GGZ's story and setting is divided into separate eras, with the main two being Retrospective and Reborn. Era Zero, taking place before both of them, was never fully completed unfortunately.

In Retro, Kiana and Mei initially start off on the wrong foot. Mei is sort of hostile towards Kiana (a result of her becoming a Herrscher) and Kiana is a bit insensitive to Mei on introduction, but after learning about Mei's past, Kiana manages to get through to Mei after their battle and the two make up.

Will put it out there that much like Kiana in the Hi3 mangas and early Hi3 story, she's a perv here. Yet her crush on Mei is a genuine thing.

Things calm down for a while, but when Bronya enters the picture and Mei begins to dote on her like a big sister, Kiana gets a little...possessive, and jealous. She's quite immature when it comes to romance in Retro. And while Mei is more serene about things she does care for Kiana too.

The two have their own unresolved matters, however. For Kiana, it's finding her dad who went missing when she was young (note: Kiana in GGZ is not a clone like in Hi3, this is the real and original Kiana Kaslana). And for Mei, it's regarding Ryoma's sentencing and his ties to Anti-Entropy. The two bring it up at points and reassure each other that they will find their dads which is sweet.

Things take a turn for the worse when Cocolia attacks St. Freya with the Moonlight Throne battleship. When the ship crashes into the church where the furnace containing the core of the second Herrscher is (yeah they stored Sirin's core there), Kiana somewhat fuses with the core and has a complete mental breakdown when Cocolia reveals the truth about Siegfried and how Kiana murdered him when she accidentally became a Herrscher while young.

This causes Kiana to become a Herrscher due to the rising amounts of Honkai energy in her body. If you're wondering about Cocolia, she dies by heading into the Honkai furnace and gets swallowed up by all the Honkai.

Kiana kills everyone after becoming the Herrscher of Finality (or Herrscher of The End, Final Herrscher etc), and the last person she kills is Mei.

It's a sad scene through and through, and the CGs are great. Even more so because at the end, when Kiana and Mei are floating above the world, Kiana still cries while the world ends.

See you in the next world originates from this scene. Very good piece of music.

So what happens after? The world ends, Mei and everyone die, but what happens to Kiana?

Kiana became a puppet for the Honkai, even after the initial catastrophe that occurred at St. Freya, small groups of people managed to survive the world-wide Honkai eruption. But they too would be wiped out by Kiana.

She didn't move, she didn't think anymore, and she had no emotion. Only when the Honkai needed her to kill whatever remnants of civilization rose up did she move.

This carried on for hundreds of years, or tens of thousands, but by the end Kiana had killed all of humanity.

And then she regained her consciousness and was faced with the reality of how many she had killed and how much blood she had spilled. To save herself from the suffering she tried to end her life, but because she was a Herrscher, she was immortal.

No one could kill Kiana, not even Kiana herself. When Kiana realized this fact she gave up all resistance. She deluded her mind with memories of the past and paralyzed herself on the spear she had impaled herself with, until the day Honkai disappeared from the world.

Quite the terrible end. I won't be covering Reborn in this post, but I thought it would be cool to write about the Fire Moth DLC side story, since their relationship in that story builds off of Retro.

Fire Moth

To understand Kiana and Mei's relationship in Fire Moth, you first need an understanding of the setting. The events of Fire Moth happen during Reborn's story, during the story chapters as a matter of fact.

But Fire Moth itself technically takes place in a stigma space where the world has turned desolate five years after Kiana became a Herrscher and destroyed everything. It should be noted that this is the world contained in the stigma space, so the setting of the story is not taking place in the real world. The backstories and characters are acting upon how they were in Retro (and were materialized by Kyuushou's memories of them).

This is Kyuushou's stigmata space, and she has the stigmata of both Kiana and Mei from Retro. Hence why this world bears so much familiarity to Retro.

Most life on the surface is dead, and the survivors in Nagazora have banded together to form the organization "Fire Moth", or "Moth Who Chases The Flame", under the leadership of an older Bronya.

Houraiji Kyuushou is the protagonist of Fire Moth, and you play through the story as her amnesiac self. Kiana is still the Final Herrscher, and rather than a being who is carrying out the Honkai's will endlessly, or someone who still has enough emotion and humanity to cry, this Kiana has gone deep into nihilism and has become devoid of most emotion.

This is a Kiana who knows what happened thousands of years ago and guilt has eaten away at her and left her with nothing.

CG of Kiana when Kyuushou first meets her in a dream.

To get a good idea of what Kiana and Mei are going through in Fire Moth, how about this short conversation I machine-translated. Might be inaccurate, I don't know Chinese that well! But hopefully it helps. Some of it has been taken from Guns Girl Z Cutscene Interpreter as well, I translated some of the text that was still in Chinese.

(Mei's text is purple, and Kiana's is blue).

Mei…what would you do if the world didn't fall apart?

If it hadn't collapsed...

I would probably have been like an ordinary girl, studying something I like, enrolling in a university I wished to go to, and then starting my own family, and walking through a happy and uneventful life with the person I love.

Kiana, what about you?

For me…as long as I'm with Mei, I'm already satisfied.

Really…don't say such embarrassing things...If it's Kiana then there must be something more worthy of pursuing.

If it's the old me…I do have hundreds of wishes I want to fulfill...

I wanted to attend the same school as Mei, eat our bento together under a cherry blossom tree, and spend our entire lunch break lazily.

I want to travel around the world with Mei, take pictures of us in beautiful landscapes, and keep our figures in a precious photo album forever.

I want to build a small cabin by the sea with Mei, watch the tide rise and fall together, collect seashells on the sand blown by the sea breeze together, and then fall asleep under the embrace of the moonlight.

There are so many more wishes…well there are so many more plans too..

But now…

I just want to stay by your side quietly like this forever.

Mei...please give me your hand.

Yes...

If it's possible, will you stay with me until the end of the world?

Kiana…thank you.

Thank you for loving me so much. For protecting me so much.

But both of us, no, we all, we all understand.

That this is a long-cherished wish that simply cannot be fulfilled.

Because...because all of it...has been destroyed by your hands.

Every promise has been turned into ash... and we can never go back.

I'm so sorry Kiana...I'm so sorry.

It's time for us to say our farewells...

(Kiana alone with Mei's ribbon).

...

I understand.

In fact, I understand it better than anyone.

This is the mistake I made...I've destroyed our future with my own hands.

Such an ending is the best punishment for me.

Alone in a world without you. Even death is too kind for me.

(There's a little bit more to this scene, but it's not relevant to this post).

During the final battle between Kiana and Mei (they're both in the same nihilistic and existential boat here, so naturally they are the two overarching antagonists), when Mei falls in battle, Kiana bids her farewell and calls Mei her "only regret".

At the end of Fire Moth, Kyuushou manages to reignite Kiana's wish from forty-two thousand years ago, which was to bring hope to the world. What Kiana was chasing all this time was a sliver of hope in a world that gave her none.

Kiana relinquishes her existence after their battle, so she along with Mei disappear from the world entirely. No one remembers them and nobody recognizes their names. Kyuushou remarks that Kiana's dream was to live in a world without Honkai, a sentiment echoed by both Kiana and Mei.

Fun fact: if you 100% all of Fire Moth, you get this wonderful CG of the two.

Conclusion

If you made it this far, thanks. I'm a bit out of my element when writing things like this, so if you have any questions on anything I'd be happy to answer them. I appreciate GGZ a lot, so making this was fun and I hope I can do more of it for the others.

I have a nagging feeling this was a bit too long, so I apologize for that. I ended up explaining a lot of GGZ's lore when this was mainly supposed to be about relationship dynamics...oops.

But to summarize, Kiana and Mei's relationship isn't entirely different from what they have in Hi3, but just like in Hi3 they have their own struggles and nuances. Mostly in the formed of doomed yuri but that's beside the point. I like their relationship in GGZ, at times its as simple as a few exchanges before a battle, and at others its the crux of the story itself.

With all that being said, I hope you enjoyed the read!!

#honkai impact #honkaimpact3rd #honkai gakuen #guns girl z #honkai #kiana kaslana #raiden mei #hi3 #kiamei

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avelera · 11 months

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Some slightly more coherent thoughts about Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (ATSV) now that I've had a little time to process and long to return to the theater to see it again and again and again:

1 ) Go see it. Holy shit, go see it. Re-watch Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (ITSV) before you go if you have the chance but you don't have to, they recap it well enough and I promise anyway, the first thing you're gonna do when you get home after is turn ITSV on and then scream a bunch because it is all so tightly connected from the very beginning.

2 ) ITSV is a masterpiece. ATSV is more of a masterpiece in the same way that 11 is bigger than 10. They took everything in ITSV, which is a perfect 10/10 and made it 11/10 for this film. I shit you not. It cannot be otherwise expressed with words. Everything is just bigger, faster, bolder, more.

Ok, now getting into some of the more spoiler-y thoughts:

3 ) Loved me those themes of connection and loneliness. When you go back to ITSV, you see it's right there from the start. All of the version of Spider-Man are lonely. They are tired. They're isolated and unsupported and they are all suffering. Miles makes their lives better. They make Miles' life better. This becomes such a huge, huge theme in ATSV as Miles literally breaks the canon, he is the ultimate fix-it fanfic character, every Spider-Man he interacts with gets some element of their tragic backstory fixed. Peter B. reunites with MJ and has a child that brings joy back into his life. Gwen gets a friend again. Pavitr doesn't have to watch his girlfriend's father die. They are no longer doomed by the narrative.

4) Another post commented on how tired Peni looks when we finally see her, but she's not the only one. All of the Spider-People in the Spider-Verse look tired and it is, in fact I'd argue, Miguel's fault. He appealed to their sense of martyrdom to put together an organization that helps people and saves the world(s). BUT he made "maintaining the canon" an aspect of this (a wonderful meta commentary on Miles himself, btw, and all the comic book nerds who want to rehash the same story over and over instead of transforming it into something new and hopeful). Because they had all suffered so much, it followed logically for all the Spider-People that all of their parallel universe selves must also suffer.

This is the crab bucket mentality. Miguel dragged all the Spider-People into the crab bucket with him. He taught them learned helplessness. They're all tired and worn down because they have to keep reliving their own trauma by standing by and making sure these awful things that happened to them continue to happen, over and over. It's the mirror too for any marginalized community where the past generation believes the next one must suffer as they did. But it's exhausting for them to see the misery and do nothing. That's why they're all so tired. It makes sense to them that to be Spider-People, the next generation must suffer as they did but they are also, all of them, heroes and so it wears them down to watch this happen over and over. Miles brings back their energy and joy and their hope by refusing to be doomed by the narrative.

It's wonderful fanfic but it's also fantastic storytelling and it works on so many layers of the story, Doylist and Watsonian, all the way down.

5 ) THIS is a tightly knit story. Every. Single. Element. Ties back to the central story, the central themes. Every line either reveals plot, character, setting, or themes. It is so, so tight as a writer I was gaping. In necessary, if brief, moments of exposition they make sure to keep the screen busy and moving. There's no time for boredom. It is literally so fast that even as someone with ADHD I was sometimes overwhelmed as much as riveted. The few scenes that slowed down to simply fast movie pace felt achingly slow as a result and I bet you they were maybe 30 seconds long.

6 ) I AM. SO HYPED. FOR THE ENDING AND THE SEQUEL IT SETS UP? The perfect dark mirror story, not rushed but simply introduced so we can see that the final boss for Miles is himself. Unless they subvert that expectation, which they might! But it is so ominous to see Prowler Miles, it makes so much sense, it is perfect and deep and rich. Literally every time you think, "Maybe they'll rehash old material?" they don't they just keep introducing cool new characters and concepts and themes it's mindblowing.

7 ) They never leave you with one thread. Miles is going to face himself and fight to save his dad from the Spot and fight Miguel, presumably, in the next one. No single line only does one thing. No frame does one thing. And yet everything ties back to the core story of Miles and the Spider-People both on the Watsonian and Doylist level. I want to study every frame under a microscope. It's insane.

8 ) THE ART IT'S JUST. I'm not an artist so I'll leave it at this but THE ART.

9 ) I love Pavitr and Hobie. So much. I gasped when we saw Pavitr's world.

10 ) The Spot's animation was insane just insane and I think he's foreshadowed in the ITSV and it blew my mind on the re-watch.

I need to see it again. I could talk about any single element for hours. But I just can't stop thinking about the mastery embodied in this film. I know a sequel to a superhero movie that's animated will never win Best Picture but I do not exaggerate when I say that in itself might be an indictment of Best Picture. This film deserves Best Picture. It is the best movie I've seen in an unfathomably long time including ITSV.

#spider-man across the spider-verse #atsv spoilers #atsv #itsv #spider-man #spiderverse

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ljnsdump · 10 months

Text

If It's Meant To Be, It Will Be (Jaehyun x F!reader)

Johnny x F!reader

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

When a heart knows, it knows. There's no explaining it. You can only trust it.

Genre: M/F, exes to lovers, angst, fluff, slight smut, suggestive, oneshot

Warnings: light smut, secret/hidden pregnancy, cursing

Word count: 6,187

My third published story! I am so excited for this. This is one of the stories that has always been in my vault for the longest time just like the other three. I hope you enjoy reading it! I apologized for not posting as much, college is too much. But I hope I can post a lot now since it's already the summer break. Also, I'm not the best when it comes to writing smut, please understand that I'm still learning.

Read at your own risk.

------

Before going home, Y/N goes to the local grocery store to get milk for the babies. They're growing so fast and it doesn't take a long time to run out of their milk. She then grabs a bag of candies and cookies as well.

Her 5-year old twins sat on the stairs outside their house waiting for her with their nanny. When they see her car pull up in front of the gates, the two run and the nanny immediately comes after them.

"Mommy!" They yell and jump in excitement. "We miss you so much!"

Y/N pouts as her heart warms at the sight. She immediately gets out of the car and gets in the property. She lowers herself down to level with her kids. "My babies, I love you both so much. I miss you both a lot too." The two hold her hand as they go in. "Helen, can you please grab the things I bought, it's in the backseat of the car."

"Okay." Helen nods.

"Now what have my favourite babies been doing all day?"

"Mommy, I was drawing with nanny! We drew flowers, and coloured them and put the sun and clouds!" Her little girl, Janelle says. "Julien was playing with cars! He hit nanny on her leg as well."

"Julien, did you say sorry to nanny?" Y/N asks with a stern face and her son nods.

"Yes, I hugged nanny because I didn't mean to do it."

She smiles and hugs both. "Very good! I will give you chocolates for being a good girl and a good boy. But let mommy change her clothes first." The two nod and go to play. Helen, who was following them with the groceries, puts them away on the counter. "Helen, just watch them for a few minutes. I'll just change and then once I'm out you can take your break as well."

Helen nods.

Y/N has left the eye of the public when she was forced to break up with her baby daddy. He didn't know she was pregnant. Heck, she didn't even know she was pregnant when his parents casted her away. So she decided to live in a small town away from him and his family. She's been suffering all these years so she's fighting everyone for her kids. She even separated from her parents because of the fear that they might take the kids away because she was earning minimum wage before.

She's working in a small company right now that develops environmentally friendly alternatives for non-biodegradable packaging. She started out as a mere researcher and now she's one of the executives. This year they are planning to expand their business and endorse it to bigger companies for development. And they are doing their first pitch after her weekend off.

They are going on a business trip for two days. That's why she packed the bags for her kids as well because she's definitely bringing them. She has to.

"Helen, remember when I told you about my business trip? We're gonna be leaving on Sunday afternoon. So please make sure you have your things ready before then, okay?" She instructs the nanny. "I'll give you double pay for Sunday since that's supposed to be your day off."

"Yes, I'll be ready by then. I'll come in early as well so I can help you prepare."

Night time came, Julien and Janelle were sleeping peacefully on their own beds. She observes the two as she overthinks about what can happen if she brings them to the city. Well, it's a big city so it's not even sure if they would get a peak of the shadows of the people she's avoiding.

As they are travelling, Y/N plays songs and they sing along to it. Y/N is musically inclined and she wants the kids to adapt that from her. She wants them to have music as part of their relaxation, and bonding time.

They go straight to their hotel which the company already had reserved for Y/N and she just got an extra room for Helen.

She and her colleagues had a quick meeting during dinner just to run through their presentation for tomorrow morning.

They are 5 in total, the president of the company, Y/N, and three researchers who lead the development of their product.

Later that night, she took the kids for a stroll on the streets. They were so amazed by the flashing lights, the huge buildings and the cars passing by. She got them everything they wanted because she just wanted them to have the best time of their life.

Morning comes, Y/N immediately prepares herself. She puts on her formal black trousers and blazer over her white shirt. Simple yet it made her look very elegant and sophisticated. She styles her hair, puts on light makeup before slipping on her stilettos. Grabbing her bags and keys, she doesn't forget to kiss the two who're sleeping soundly.

"Cheer on mum." She whispers at them.

She gets there on time, her team just arrived as well. They are led to the conference room, where it is only them in their first and immediately starts preparing for their presentation. Y/N observes the seating arrangement, and plans on tactics and ways to make it visually pleasing to the audience.

"I'm kind of nervous." One of the researchers, Taeil says as he shakes his hands vigorously.

Y/N just smiles. "That's actually very normal. This is a big crowd and they're the real deal. But I'm confident about our product, so I trust you three to present it with confidence as well."

The executives started coming in, filling in the empty seats. "5 minutes." The moderator of the conference tells them.

Y/N immediately runs out to grab a drink of water on the nearest station. But her path was blocked with someone who had a smug look on his face.

"Found you." Jae says and her eyes widens.

"W-what are you doing here?"

He shrugs. "I'm just one of the board members."

"What?!"

"Don't worry, I'll make them say yes to your pitch." He winks and goes in.

It's like her spirit just left her body. Why is he here? He's a board member? How? He owns his own company so why is he still going around looking for more to acquire?!

She snaps back to reality when one of her teammates calls her. "Miss Y/N! 3 minutes!"

Instead of getting water, she immediately texts Helen out of fear.

To: Helen

Don't ever let anyone in your rooms, watch the kids intently please and don't let them out.

Y/N clears her throat as the introduction begins. Even if she is panicking after seeing his ex lover, she stands there with all the elegance she can give.

"We in Lively Co. had always been researching for the best alternatives for our common packaging in the market. We believe that we developed the best product for food storage considering the materials used, money it costs, and the benefit it gives to the environment." She starts and then it goes on before she introduces their research team to discuss product specific details.

Jae looks at her proudly. He's not even hiding the smile on his face that Y/N can't seem to avoid. He's always had the most gorgeous face and now all his features are more developed, he's more matured. Jawline sharper, eyebrows bushier, undercut hair, ear piercings. God, he looks so good.

The CEO of the company seated in the center smiles and claps after the presentation. "Good. It's very good. As you may know, we don't invite companies to pitch unless we see real potential on their products. We actually have decided about this after we took a look at the research papers, samples and all documents you submitted about this product. We just wanted to see your perception and how you'll present it to us because we also look out for people we work with. And it's a good thing we did this today, you guys are so good and I look forward to working with your company." He shakes hands with the president of the mere Lively Co, while the four behind hugs each other, crying in happiness.

Y/N smiles when Taeil turns to her. "I told you."

After the meeting, they are also invited to lunch and then are given a tour around the company. Fortunately, Jae is no longer with them during the tour.

When she goes back to the hotel after a long day, she sees Jae in the lobby, legs on top of the other, watching her walk in and her heart starts pounding again. He's in the same building as her kids.

"You guys go ahead, I just have to drop by the cafe." She lies to her teammates and watches them take the elevator.

He then walks to her. "Hi."

She grabs his wrist and pulls him out of the hotel. "What are you doing here?!"

"Just wanted to congratulate you. You did so well there, baby." Smiling slightly but she shakes her head.

"You shouldn't be here!"

"Why?"

"I don't know, maybe I don't wanna see you!"

He stops and looks at her face. She can't even lie. "Five years and you still haven't worked on your lying skills."

"I'm not lying, Jae."

"Tell me why you left without saying anything. Why when I went to your apartment, it was already empty and we were just cuddling there the night before that. I should have known that you hugged me the entire night, crying for no reason at all was because you were about to leave me."

"Your parents paid me to leave you." She admits. "Now please go away because I don't have the money to refund them."

Jae's eyes burn in anger all of a sudden. "And you exchanged me for money?"

"I had no choice, you know it's still gonna end regardless of what the reason maybe because it all boils down to me not being the best pair for you."

"Who are they to say that you're not the best for me?!"

"They're your parents."

"It doesn't matter! They don't matter! You know I love you so much, I was so ready to be with you!"

"It's all in the past now. Just go."

Their third and final day, they visit one of the plants of the company then go back to the building to have a small gathering to bid goodbyes. Jae was not able to attend the previous schedules they had the past few days but he definitely is not missing the get together.

As she's going to the conference room, her phone buzzes on her hand so takes a look at it.

From: Helen

Y/N, Julien is having a hard time breathing. He's having an asthma attack.

She immediately replies.

To: Helen

Use the inhaler.

From: Helen

I think it's empty.

Y/N bit her lip, looking so worried and her teammates turned to her.

"What's going on?" One asks.

"I-I need to go." She replies, in a hurry. "My son needs to be taken to the hospital."

Their eyes widen. "You have a son?!"

But before she could answer, she already ran off while dialling 911 on her phone.

Later on, Jae arrives and he notices that Y/N was not there. He goes to ask their president. "Is Y/N not with you guys?"

"She left. She said she has to take her son to the hospital." She replies.

Jae's eyebrows furrow. "Her son?" Then immediately goes out, meeting his assistant outside. "Let's go to the hospital nearest to the Diamond Hotel."

Y/N holds and plays with her son's hand as Julien is getting nebulized. He's scared of the sound it makes, that's why she's holding him.

"Was he always asthmatic?" The doctor asks.

She nods. "Yeah, he got it from his dad. He's asthmatic too and severely allergic to seafood."

Jae hears that and he immediately knows. "Y/N." He calls and she stands up in surprise, trying to cover her son.

"Why are you here?!"

"He's mine, isn't he?"

The doctor quietly calls the nurse over. "You guys can talk outside, we'll take care of Julien."

Jae immediately pulls her out of the emergency room. But before they can talk, Janelle runs to them and hugs her mom's legs. "Mommy! Where's Juls? Is he okay mom?"

The fright on her face is something that you can never compare with anything. Her heart is raging and she knows she's done for.

"Helen, can you take a walk with Janelle? I-I just need to speak to Mr. Jung."

Helen immediately takes Janelle away from them but Jae's eyes never leave the little girl. He can't believe that they have kids together, twins on top of that! The two look so much alike and they got some of their features from him like his bushy eyebrows, and eyes.

"They're my kids, aren't they?" She's on the verge of crying but Jae's eyes remain consistent. This is the only way to bring her back. After all those years he looked for her, wanting her to come back. "Y/N." He calls her again.

She frowns then whines. "They're mine."

He just wants to caress her face, and wipe her tears but didn't. If he shows her any remorse, she'll take advantage of it and talk him into keeping the kids to herself. "You hid them from me."

"Your family hates me, Jae! What was I supposed to do? I loved you so much but they kept pushing me! They kept threatening me!" She cries. "I left the world for Julien and Janelle, Jae. You will never take them away from me. I've sacrificed myself for them and you can't just come back to my life and take them like I don't matter."

"You are my first priority, Y/N." He replies. "I'm taking you and our kids back. My family will never have a say about it. And I will fight all of them who fight you."

She shakes her head. "You can't. You don't know what happens when you turn around, Jae."

"I will."

"No."

"I really don't want to involve my lawyers in this, Y/N." He says warningly.

She always loses. He always gets the better of her. "You can visit the kids then. But they stay with me."

"Love, you live far from this city I believe. Plus you're going back to your home today, aren't you?"

"I can request a leave. We can stay here until the weekend."

He smiles slightly and pinches her cheeks. "Thanks." That's definitely enough time for him to bring her back. "They're twins! How on earth did we happen to make two at once." Y/N couldn't help but cough a laugh at what he said. The happiness he feels knowing he has children with her is beyond the heavens. He can't help but pull her into a hug. "I can't wait to spoil them with everything they want in this world." Resting his chin on top of her head as he imagines all the fun activities that he has in mind for their kids.

She pulls away, still feeling skeptical about all this because she knows that Jae will do everything to get his children. She just knows.

"Miss Y/L/N,, your son is all good now. He was such a good boy the entire time." The doctor says. "Now, I'll go ahead and prepare the prescription for his inhaler, and Nurse Wendy will take care of the papers."

Nurse Wendy smiles at them and says, "Follow me."

They go to their son first who is sitting cutely and behaving on one of the beds as his feet dangle. "Mommy! I'm okay now! I behaved with the doctors." He grins which earned him a hug and kiss from his mom.

"My baby is all grown up now, mommy is so proud."

"And daddy."

Y/N blushes when he hears Jae speak from behind her. "I'm sorry." She mumbles. "Love, your dad is here too."

He pinches her waist first before picking up his son and carrying him in his arms. "Hi, sport! It's good to see you!"

"He's my dad?" The little guy asks and the two nod. "How about Janelle? Who's Janelle's dad?"

Y/N couldn't help but laugh at his innocence. "He is also Janelle's dad."

When finally they're done in the ER, they went out and went to Janelle. Julien stays in his dad's arms and Janelle looks up to them.

"Mommy, who's that?" She points at Jae.

"It's dad, love." She replies briefly. The little girl's eyes widen.

"Really?"

Jae crouched down and stretched his empty arm to his daughter. "Yes, sweetheart." She runs and hugs him and he immediately catches her.

"Careful." Y/N holds Jae's back to stop him from falling. He reassures her with a wink and carries Janelle on his other arm. "Jae, they're heavy." She tries to take Julien but he hugs his dad tight.

"No, mommy. I want dad to carry me."

Janelle butts in. "Me too."

She sighs. "Okay." Helen watched them with a big smile plastered on her face. "Helen, we'll be staying here for a few more days. Jae just wants to bond with the kids. I'll just give you the fare to go home and take a break for now. I'll just call you when we come back." The nanny nods. "But first, please help Jae's secretary get all our things from the hotel because we will be staying in Jae's house."

"No worries."

The kids are cheering and singing while their dad drives the car and Y/N is on shotgun. They are just so excited and Jae can't stop smiling.

"Juls, please slow down. We just got out of the hospital." His mom warns him.

"So, I'm thinking maybe we can make bedrooms one for each of them? They get to choose what design they want to choose." Y/N just nods in whatever he says. Jae notices that she's been quiet, she's really not saying anything nor is her face indicating any feelings. "What are you thinking about?"

She shakes her head lightly. "Nothing."

Jae sighs.

After all day of shopping and playing, they finally go to Jae's house. It isn't any less than what Y/N imagined him to be living in. It just screams luxury.

Helen is waiting there as well to bid goodbye to the family as she leaves for home before them.

Jae takes out an envelope from his pocket he got from the bank earlier and hands it to Helen. "This is my token of gratitude for you taking good care of my family. Thank you so much." She opens the envelope slightly and ses a thick bundle of cash and she immediately thanks him.

When Helen and Jae's secretary are already out, Y/N take off her heels because her legs are about to give out already.

"I'll freshen up the two so that they can go to sleep now." She tells him. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Use the one in my room." Y/N looks at him as if saying seriously? to him. "And what if we find something there that we're not meant to find?"

His eyes squint. "Like what?"

"I don't know, you tell me."

Jae shakes his head as pinches her cheeks. "I don't go fuck around." She immediately elbows his abdomen, making him grunt.

"Mouth." She warns before walking past him.

Jae offers to put the kids to bed because he noticed that Y/N is too tired to move already.

"You okay?" He asks her and then sits beside her on the couch.

She nods lazily. "Yeah, why?"

"Nothing, just wanted to check on you since the two are asleep now." He replies and then pulls her legs on top of his lap. She's about to whine but he says. "Shh. You'll wake the kids up." Then starts massaging her legs down to her toes. "I know how hard you worked for Janelle and Julien. I know how much you tried to give them the best life and you succeeded in doing that."

"My life is dedicated to them, Jae. Everything I do and I will do will be for them."

"Good because I will be the one to do everything for you." He smiles slightly. "I can't believe we made the most beautiful pair of twins on earth."

She just smiles. "I'm tired."

"Yeah, I'll carry you to bed." Jae stands up and carries her to his bedroom.

Y/N immediately punches his shoulder when she sees where they're heading. "Jung Jaehyun, stop right there. I'm not sleeping in your bedroom."

"Yes, you are. Why would I let you sleep on a bed that's not my own when you're in my house?" He asks, as if what she wants is the most ridiculous thing in the world. "And based on how I remember it, we never broke up. Maybe we just took time off but we never broke up."

She laughs. "We took time off for 5 years?"

Jae lays her down on the bed. "Yes, and I have never sought for anyone else because I always knew I'd find you." Then flicks her forehead. "But you did."

"What?!"

"That guy who you hugged during the conference. You were smiling at him."

She rolls her eyes at what he said. She knows that he knows he's just a colleague. "I'll sleep now."

"Good night, mommy." He whispers while planting a kiss on her cheeks.

He then positions himself next to her, nestling under the covers. "Good night, daddy." She mumbles but Jae definitely heard, drawing a big smile from him.

The next day came, they had breakfast and decided to stay indoors since it's raining outside. They're in the living room all bunched up under a big blanket while they watch cartoons. The kids specifically asked the two to sit together with them.

"Mommy, daddy, moms and dads kiss so how come you two don't?" Janelle asks innocently.

Y/N chokes on her own spit after hearing that while Jae nods at her daughter, "I know, right? Mom doesn't want me to kiss her."

The two turn to their mom. "Why not?"

"Because dad did not brush his teeth." She laughs hysterically while Jae's hand sneaks under the sheets to pinch her side.

"Hey." He calls her out. "I did." And defends himself.

She continues to laugh. "You don't have proof."

"I can kiss you right and you'd be the one to tell if I brushed my teeth or not."

"Stop being so childish."

The two little people took their afternoon naps. Jae and Y/N finally have time to clean up and prepare for dinner.

Jae's arms sneak around Y/N's waist as she washes the plates they used for their snacks. "We can have dinner at Sailor tonight. Then we can walk by the boulevard."

"Yeah, that's fine." She agrees.

"Kiss me." Pouting his lips near her face.

"Jae." She warns. "Stop bothering me."

He sneakers and lets her go. "Fine, but after that, while the two are still sleeping, we can go ahead and prepare for dinner."

"Yeah."

So after she washed everything, she went to their room. He sits there shirtless, while reading a book. Her cheeks flushed with heat upon seeing his abs, biceps and arms on display.

She goes to the bathroom to change and prepare. Then comes back a couple of minutes later wearing a maroon, flowy, mini dress that hugs her tiny waistline just enough, showing off her collarbone, and perfect looking cleavage. She just curls her hair, forming big waves and then her make up.

Jae's eyes stays at her for a couple of seconds, raking her body, observing her figure and entire look. "You look hot." He blurts out.

"Thanks, I intended to." She sits on the armrest of the couch, crossing her legs and arms. "So what do you want to happen after this? We will be going back home on Sunday."

"Why can you not stay here?"

"First of all, I have a job." She says. "Second, why would I?"

"Because I want you with me. I want to be able to see my family everyday and take care of them."

She snorts. "That's weird, because based on how I remember before, you were working most of the time and you almost had no time for me. Now if you have no time for one, how much more for three."

Jae groans. "Look, that was before. I'm not leaving you behind now especially after knowing what it's like to live without you."

"We are not getting back together, Jae."

"Why not?"

Scenes from her past with Jae's family come back like they have just been dug out from the grave. "I-I just can't."

"Y/N, what will make you come back to me? I will literally do everything. I just can't let you go after looking for you for 5 fucking years."

"I can't leave my job."

"I can request for you to be transferred here. There's really no point of you working, I'll be the one to work for us."

"I really need to think about it."

He nods in agreement. "No rush, just take all the time you need."

They just stared at each other for a few seconds, observing each other's face comfortably. "Who told you to get piercings?"

His stares linger because of how tempting and vulnerable she looks right now. "You." He replies. "You said I look good with them."

"Well, I was right."

Jae pats his lap. "Come here."

"Why?"

"So we can make out?" She couldn't prevent a laugh at his bluntness. She walks towards him as he reaches both his arms to her. "I can't imagine how you fit two babies in this body, babe."

"You would've been turned off if you saw me pregnant. I was a pig."

He tilts his head to the side, furrowing his eyebrows. "Okay, first of all, never say that again. If one gets pregnant of course their body gets big, because there's a baby in them. They need to eat a lot because they're basically eating for two. So don't say that." His hands hold her by the waist and lift her up to set her on his lap. "I love you." Planting a kiss on her lips and watching her reaction. "I miss you."

Y/N holds his face and puts her lips on his. He holds her waist tighter as he devours her lips, like that's the only thing he's been craving for this whole time. His arms eventually find its way wrapping around her waist and the free hand holding her steady by the nape, turning her in all angles to make sure he tastes her the best way. She’s breathless and her lipsstick is all messed up now but he doesn't really care.

"Jae." She gasps.

He breathes against her lips. "Hmm?"

She doesn't say anything and just puts feathery kisses all over his face as her eyes tear up. Nobody knows how much she wanted this for the last 5 years. This is the only thing she asked for, just him and she can't help but feel like crying when she finally got what she wanted. "I fucking miss you. And thank you for accepting our children, I was honestly worried if you didn't want them. I was scared that when you found out, you'd wish they never existed."

Jae holds her back firmly, looking at her face. "Why? I would never do that. You know that you're the best thing that happened to me and all I ever wanted was to make a family with you."

She laughs. "I know, it's just that there are really things in my head that I wish aren't there."

"Well, it's time for you to stop thinking about those because I am the happiest right now with you, Janelle and Julien." Patting her head lightly. "And I really appreciate you making their names start with the initial of my first name."

Y/N smiles sheepishly. "Yeah, I just can't leave you out of the picture."

The lights of the restaurant shine perfectly on them. Jae and Y/N have gotten sweeter, and intimate. They are almost in sync, attending to both their children.

"What do you want to eat, love?" Jae asks Janelle, showing her the menu book.

Janelle points at the raspberry tart. "I want this."

"Jan, dessert is for later." Her mom reminds her.

"If she wants it--" Jae gets cut off by Y/N's glare and he just chuckles. "Mom's right."

As the waitress is taking their order, Y/N notices her batting her eyelashes to her man, smiling flirtatiously and suggestively. That annoys her to the bones, she holds Jae's hand. He notices it, looking at her with a comforting smile and says, "Love, what do you want?" Slowly massaging her hand.

"The pan seared scallops would do." She smiles.

As they were about to leave after dinner, Jae bumped into one of the people he knows in the industry.

"Jae! It's good to see you, man!" The guy gives Jae a manly hug. "Who are you with?"

"Oh, I'm with my family." He replies. "This is Y/N, my wife." Y/N kinda gets stunned and glances at Jae before offering her hand to the man. "And our kids, Janelle and Julien."

The man, Yuta, gets surprised. "I didn't know you had a family!"

"I actually messed up somehow, that's why I only was able to be with them now." He replies without hesitations. And Y/N has never ever thought she'd be more attracted to Jae. Nothing more attractive than a man who admits his mistakes.

As they drive home, Jae notices Y/N constantly glancing at him so he asks, "Is something wrong?"

"You were so honest telling that man earlier about how you messed up."

"That's because that's something I cannot deny." He shrugs. "And you, were you jealous with the waitress earlier?"

She scoffs. "I wasn't jealous. I was just under the impression that you were not interested in her so I did what I could to save you." Sarcastically, while crossing her arm. "Was I wrong to do that?"

"No, you weren't. I wasn't interested in her. I have you."

Y/N shrugs. "Whatever."

"Mommy, Jan is sleeping." They hear Julien from the back.

"Yes, love." She replies. "Just let her sleep, we're almost home."

They arrive home and Jae carries Janelle to their bedroom while Y/N walks with Julien. Then they prepare the two for bed and stay in there until the two are already asleep.

When they walk out of their kids' room, Jae asks, "How about you, babe? You good?"

She sighs. "Yeah." Then goes to their room.

Jae catches up, pulling her towards him and then locking her in with his arms around her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, Jae. I'm just tired."

He scans her face. "You look really beautiful." Whispers, then his eyes stayed on her lips.

"More beautiful than the waitress?" She jokes.

Jae can't help but cough out a laugh. "You're funny. I didn't even look at the waitress."

"I know, I was watching."

He pins her to the door and smashes his lips against hers. He's got the rough hold on her, and she just went along with the kiss, letting him dominate her. One of his hands slides down her dress and grabs her ass making her moan.

"You like that, huh?" He smirks against her lips. "You've just gotten more irresistible, Y/N. I'm holding myself back from bending you against my bed and fucking you so hard."

She pushes him back a little, locking their eyes together. "Why are you holding back?"

"Because our children are sleeping just a few rooms down the hall and I remember how loud you can get."

Y/N rolls her eyes. "I promise, I'll be quiet."

"You just wanna be railed, don't you?"

Without hesitations, she says "Yes."

He places a quick peck on her lips then starts kissing her neck, sucking on her skin, marking her as his.

When Jae woke up, Y/N was no longer on their bed. He quickly washes his face and brushes his teeth before going out only to find the three in the kitchen. Y/N is cooking while the two watch her curiously, asking their mom constantly about whatever she was doing while munching on some fruits. Of course, Y/N answers them all with patience.

"Hi, dad." Janelle hugs his dad's legs when she sees him walk towards them.

Jae lifts then puts her in his arms. "Good morning, princess." He kisses her cheek then goes to ruffle his son's hair. "Good morning, sport."

Y/N watches him adoringly as he greets their kids. Jae then goes to her with a knowing smirk plastered on his face, snaking his free arm around her waist and kissing her cheek. "Good morning, love." The smell of mint on his breath lingers.

"Mom already allows you to kiss her?" The innocent ones ask.

Her mom pinches her cheeks. "Yes, because he already brushed his teeth." Chuckling at what she said.

Jae scoffs and pokes her side. "I always do."

"Stop, I'm cooking." She tells him. "You guys go prepare the table, this is almost done."

She watches his back as he walks away. He's sexy as fuck.

Jae helps Y/N bring the food to the table. They've been stealing glances, kisses and touches like teenagers again and it filled Y/N's stomach with butterflies and got her heart pounding. She's never been this happy and in love again.

"Jae." She calls him as they eat. "We need to go back home soon."

He looks at her tapping his finger on his fork, deep in his thoughts. "I'll go with you guys. I can't let you go, Y/N. We'll go and get all your belongings then come back here."

Y/N is very hesitant about the abrupt decision. They haven't given it enough thought. She wants to be with him and so do their kids for sure but there are a lot of things to consider.

As the kids are playing, in the living room, Y/N goes to Jae who was cleaning the dishes. She just leans by the sink, not saying anything.

He glances at her for a second. "What's in your head, love?"

"Everything?"

Jae puts the last plate on the rack and dries his hand. "You're worried about moving in with me." He states. "But there's no need to feel that way. I can't say this enough but you and our kids are the only thing that matters to me now. I can't... no, I won't let you go."

"It's just happening too quickly."

Jaehyun bites his lip, looking down as he thinks. Then he nods. "Alright. I'm not gonna force you to move right away but I'm still going with you when you go home."

"I might also change my mind. It's just that right now, it's too scary for me."

He just pulls her into a hug. They were deep into their conversation that they didn't notice their children sneaking up to them, embracing their parents legs because those are the only things they can reach.

Y/N tears up when she sees the two.

"Why are we hugging?" Julien asks cutely and innocently. Jae picks him up while Y/N picks Janelle up too.

Both Jae and Y/N look at each other. He wipes the tears rolling from her eyes down to her cheeks and that's the only time she noticed that she was crying. "Because mommy's just feeling so happy." He tells the kids.

"Isn't this better?" Y/N asks herself.

"Okay, you guys know what we will do today?" Jae asks. The children excitedly respond while Y/N is curious too. "We will go shopping to pick out designs for your rooms."

"Yehey!" The two cheer.

"Daddy, I want purple with fairies and princesses."

"I want cars and airplanes!"

Y/N watches her kids play. She remembers the looks on their faces when she introduced Jae as their dad. They were so happy and excited. Here, they have access to everything. They can have everything they need. Jae had been so responsible and just a good... scratch that, perfect, willing dad.

"Jae." She calls him softly and he immediately turns to her and hums. "We'll move in with you."

His eyes widen and a big smile spreads on his face as he embraces her and showers her with kisses on her face. "I love you so much. I can't wait to be with you forever."

"I love you too." She pouts and buries herself under his embrace. "I hope you know that. My hesitation was never about you."

-----

A little to long, my bad.

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