#bringing her back too bcs part 4 is coming HEHE | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

starglow-xx · 3 years

Note

(About the brother!atsushi) aRE YOU READING MY MIND MISS?! Because that has been on my mind for MONTHS. TYSM For writing it was amazing!! If you don't mind, may I request (if requests are open) atsushi, still an older brother, but with a sister that's 10-13 yrs old? It's totally fine if you don't wanna do it. Keep up the good stories, ily mwuah!

*sobs* you’re so kind thank youu 🤧🤧

i wrote this a bit differently i hope that’s okay anon! at first i planned for this to be mainly abt atsushi and the reader, but i decided to add in relationship hcs with the agency bc i ran out of ideas

if you guys liked this don’t worry! im planning a special part two for this one so be the look out for it hehe

atsushi with a tween! sister

ft. the armed detective agency

like in my baby sister hcs, you’re still the most important thing to him period

the two of you got picked up by dazai and kunikida when he was 18 (obviously) and when you were 12

for a 12 year old, you were a bit small bc of malnourishment (which makes atsushi feel so bad) so both dazai and kunikida thought you were a bit younger than you actually were

they assumed you were about 9-10ish

you and atsushi both share a favorite food !! chazuke :)

so when kunikida treated the two of you, he made sure you got more bowls bc like i mentioned above, he feels really bad that you were malnourished and under weight

(don’t bring this up but kunikida felt bad too hehe)

when dazai went with your brother to the warehouse, you were with kunikida

imagine the surprise of the other ada members when kunikida came in with a little girl dressed in rags that popped out from behind him

kenji was the one who vocalized his thoughts

“kunikida-san you have a daughter?! wow! i didn’t know that! :D”

when you found out your brother was a tiger, you were a bit concerned but you were actually kind of excited

you were even more excited when you found out the two of you were going to be taken in by the agency

anything was better than the stupid orphanage

and besides!

you got a tiger for an older brother and a bunch of other super powered agents to take care of you! who could want anything else?

at your age, you’re very impressionable and can be influenced easily so atsushi makes sure to teach you more in depth of good morals and the importance of kindness

his heart swells with pride and relief when he catches you being kind to others

pride bc he’s proud that even after all the two of you have gone through, you still ended up being a good kid and having a bright view of the world

and relief bc he hasn’t failed as a big brother

pfftt like he could ever fail

but please, from time to time reassure him that he’s perfect and the only big brother that you’d ever want bc he rlly needs that kind of validation

with his salary and savings, he tries to buy nice things for you

what a sweetheart 🥺

he saw you eyeing that one dress at a store window? fast forward abt a week and half and it’s inside a pretty gift bag for you

you wanted to try that dessert from the nice bakery? that’s dessert after dinner at one point

but other than buying you things, he sets money aside for you

like all the time

(y/n), here have this, you might need it”

“but nii-san you just gave me—”

“take it”

#1 spoiler

also your #1 confidant and source of physical affection

you tell him anything and everything (except crushies and those kinds of things)

atsushi loves it when you talk abt your day and he can see the big smile on your face and the sparkle in your eyes

it gives him the strength to keep going 😖😖

the two of you aren’t as touch starved as you’d probably think, but that’s only bc the two of you had each other

in your opinion, no one can match the hugs of your big brother

and it got even better bc YAYY he has tiger arms now ٩(◕‿◕)۶

if you ask, he’d carry you around too hehe

you also get nightmares quite often so he’ll always be there ready to calm you down, talk if you need to, and rock you back to sleep

god i love him 🤧🤧

atsushi will do everything in his power to protect you and make sure you get to grow up happy, supported, and loved

port mafia attack? oop he’s already taking you to the nearest escape route

someone is starting to harass you? they just got suckered punched into the next week

you want to go out to have some fun? he’ll go ask the president for a day off

you’re not feeling well? he’ll take another day off and take care of you

whatever you want to do, he’ll do it with you! (as long as it’s within reason)

will always be your #1 supporter! and he’s the president of your fan club hehe

he loves you so so much and will do anything for you; your life and happiness will always be more important to him

you are his reason to keep going

agency head canons !!

atsushi is your big brother, but kunikida is most definitely some sort of father figure

everyone can see it

except kunikida of course

kunikida scolds you lightly if he thinks your manners need work or if you make a mess in the agency

you listen to him of course and in turn as some sort of a reward, he’ll give you pieces of stationary

he always gives you the nice, good quality kind and you’re over the moon

atsushi adores it when you come running to him showing your new notebook or fountain pen and blabbering what you’re going to do with it

sometimes it isn’t even as a reward for being a good child; he’ll just give it to you and he’ll say smth like “i noticed you’ve used up your last notebook quite quickly, so here’s another one” or “did you run out of ink? here have this then”

he usually has a soft spot for children in general, but he most definitely has a soft spot (or a thousand) for you

yosano is kind of like a motherly figure to you

she gives you the guidance a mother should and goes on shopping trips with you!

atsushi always gets dragged along by you, but he thinks it’s worth it seeing you look so happy

yosano being a doctor also tries to teach the things you should know, or things that would be helpful to you

she’ll teach you the basics of cooking, sewing, how to treat a cold/fever, etc

also gives you excellent advice 1000% of the time

“remember (y/n)-chan if someone hurts you come tell me and then i’ll chop them into—”

“yOSANO-SENSEI DONT TELL HER THAT—”

fukuzawa is like a father to most in the agency but you see him more as a grandfather figure

bi weekly tea and gossip sessions hehe

along with cat talk!

most of the time though, it’s just you talking and him listening to you, but the two of you enjoy it nonetheless

“and then kunikida-san ended up crashing into a pole and dazai-san started to laugh at him and i did too because it was really funny but we ended up getting scolded—”

“hmm i see...”

he’ll let you stay in his office as he fills out paperwork; you’re usually doodling or drawing in your notebooks

sometimes he’ll meditate and you’ll join him, but 4/7 times you’d fall asleep

you always wake up with a blanket over you

dazai is like a cool but a highly concerning and kind of high maintenance uncle

frequently takes you out with him when he ditches work

walks in the park, eating at uzumaki so he has the excuse of treating you so he doesn’t have to pay his tab avoiding kunikida and sometimes chuuya and akutagawa, all that fun stuff

also tries to not talk abt suicide in front of you especially if it’s just the two of you alone

he knows that you mean the world to his pupil and that said pupil would probably hate him for putting suicide inside your brain

he teaches you random but useful things like how to pick a lock, how to steal kunikida’s notebook if you’re looking for some information, how to sweet talk your way out of things, etc.

is also the one to tell you that if you ever get a significant other to introduce them to the agency first

he always wants all of your gossip; some of them work pretty well for blackmail

“dazai-san! dazai-san! did you know that kunikida-san lost his glasses and he was looking for them for nearly an hour when he was just holding them the entire time??”

“woah really (y/n)-chan?! hey hey can you say it again into this recording device so kunikida-kun would believe me when i tell him—”

always ends up giving kunikida a heart attack when he says that you’ve been with him all day

ranpo is also like a cool but a highly concerning and kind of high maintenance uncle

will share some of his snacks, but don’t push it or you might not get anything at all

loves it when you compliment him

if you tagged along with him and your brother on a case, he will show off to impress you

“...and that’s how the crime happened”

“UWAHH RANPO-SAN YOU’RE SO COOL”

atsushi is lowkey and kunikida is highkey stressed that ranpo’s eating habits will rub off on you

“ne (y/n)-chan do you wanna try this highly caffeinated drink and this concerning amount of sugar filled snack?”

“can i really?!”

“rANPO-SAN NO—”

ranpo definitely does stuff like that on purpose

the tanizakis are like siblings to you!

a weird set of siblings but siblings nonetheless

the two of them adore you and think you’re precious

atsushi definitely knows how to do your hair whether it’s long or short but he got even better at it when he asked the two

hehe braid trains are definitely a thing + kyouka and kenji (and maybe even dazai)

sometimes you have sibling swap days

you’re with junichiro for most of the day and atsushi is with naomi

strange i know

each of the tanizaki siblings try to make it fun bc they know that the two of you did not at all have a happy upbringing

junichiro likes spending time with you by taking you out to different places that naomi likes to frequent

like the mall, different stores and restaurants, the park, places like those

naomi does the same thing with atsushi so if you ever bump into them, you go out and eat together :)

besides atsushi, the next one in line who spoils you the most would be junichiro (and yosano & kunikida both coming in at a close third)

he honestly can’t help it; you remind him of how naomi was when she was younger

and besides

he’s always been a sucker when it came to the happiness of a little sister

“would you really buy this for me junichiro-san?!”

“of course! don’t worry about it” :)

wanna talk abt boys/girls/celebrity crushes things like that? naomi is your girl

you feel a bit embarrassed to go talking to yosano or your brother abt that and kyouka does not know a thing abt them either

“uwahh naomi-san look at all these people in this magazine! they look so good!”

“right?! but of course onii-sama is still the best—”

you get along with kenji and kyouka quite nicely being roughly the same age as them; they’re also like siblings!

just pure, wholesome vibes from the three of you

you’re over the moon when she finds out that kyouka is staying with you and your brother

atsushi is twice as happy seeing you talk your mouth off and finally having a girl around your age to talk to

“do you think demon snow can change how she looks?”

“hmm... im not sure...”

you and kenji talk abt anything and everything

he even teaches you how to take care of plants!

sometimes the two of you are kind of in the same boat bc you don’t know much abt yokohoma being stuck in the orphanage and kenji doesn’t know much abt cities in general

“wait where are we again kenji-san?”

“ah we’re close to the ports! but im not really sure how close because i don’t know what the symbols on this sign mean”

“don’t worry! neither do i!”

bonus things!

yosano was kind of too late teaching you abt you know what

“NII-SAN IM BLEEDING IN BETWEEN MY LEGS”

you’re sobbing in the agency’s bathroom and atsushi is panicking trying to get you to open the door

“Y/N?! H-HOLD ON LET ME GET YOSANO SENSEI”

ranpo overhears and cackles making everyone around him confused

suddenly atsushi bursts in the agency basically on the verge of tears rambling incoherent sentences abt the bathroom, you, and blood

it just clicked for everybody in the room

(im going to pretend that kenji has sisters back home so that atsushi is the only one who remain oblivious here hehe)

atsushi is genuinely confused and sort of concerned that no one is freaking out with him

yosano waves her hand saying smth like that she’d take care of it and junichiro pulls atsushi to the side to talk to him

fast forward like half and hour and dazai and ranpo are cackling on the looks of both of your faces

honestly not sure who’s more traumatized, you or your brother

“why does this have to happen” :(

“ne ne (y/n)-chan!~ you’re too young but at some point you’re not going to have it!”

“uwahh really dazai-san?” :D

“yeah! but first you have to have ANFK—”

next thing you know your ears are being covered by your brother and dazai is thrown across the room by kunikida

you know

the normal

you’re twelve and have never gone to school, but the agency takes care of that

it’s too dangerous to go to school so they teach you what’s necessary and whatever else they can

kunikida takes care of math (obviously)

yosano takes care of science/biology/anatomy/health (whatever you wanna call it)

ranpo even dragged poe to help you with english

atsushi even got lucy to help you out with english too!

as tanizaki and naomi used to be students, they give you their old work books and they try to teach you all the other subjects

sometimes kyouka and kenji are there learing with you too!

sorry if there’s some errors! i’ll read through it again later :)

and as always, reblogs and shares are appreciated! i hope you all stay safe! and just in case nobody told you they loved you today, i love you! you are enough! <3

writing belongs to me! please do not plagiarize! the reblog button is there for a reason

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catchmewiddershins · 3 years

Note

Hi🥺

if it's too much trouble, could I request a pt. 3 of the ‘overhearing their crush talking about them’ with oikawa, akaashi and yamaguchi?

Thanks in advance and have a nice day!💕

Haikyuu Characters Overhearing their crush talking about them - pt 3:

Includes: Oikawa, Akaashi and Yamaguchi! 💖 SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG 🥺 I’m so glad you asked bcs I needed a reason to write a third part hehe

Oikawa:

He could barely keep his eyes open. Contrary to popular belief, Oikawa wasn’t a monster, he couldn’t keep pushing and pushing and never feel the consequences. Interhigh was approaching again and he was desperate to win, desperate to see the national court just one time before he left high school, desperate to prove that all of the blood, sweat and tears that he had poured into this sport wasn’t futile. So he’d stayed awake, he trained until late at night and woke before the crack of dawn to practice. And now he was feeling the toll, incapable of focusing on the words of the teacher at the front of the class, he let his mind drift, getting shocked out of his skin when the bell rang for lunch.

Floating down the corridors, he almost fell asleep standing up until he walked into a door frame. Then, as he rounded the corner he heard your voice. Oikawa had been harbouring feelings for you for a while now, ever since you’d been kind to him outside of the usual fangirl devotion - you’d helped him hide from a few of them while he was late for practice, and he’d been trying to work up the courage to confess to you. He was just... worried that you’d assume he was asking in a playboy manner, rather than from sincere feelings. Suddenly, he paused, having heard his name in passing from your conversation.

“Why do you want to go to a volleyball match? Like at interhigh?”

“Because Oikawa’s playing and I wanted to cheer him on!” There you were, you sounded so cheerful, it made his heart flutter and heat sprang to his face.

“Isn’t he that guy who’s really pretty? I hear that tons of people are swooning over him, you’ll have a lot of competition if you wanna blend in.”

“I mean yeah... he’s pretty but that’s not why I like him!”

“What, you’re different from the rest? Why do you like him then, if not his looks? They seem to be the only thing of his that are of note.”

His heart sank a little, there it was again, that focus. His hair, his eyes, his face, people complimented him on them left and right and it made him wonder if that was all he was worth - is that all he is? Just a pretty-boy athlete?

You sounded... indignant?

“I like him because of his skills, for one! Have you seen his serve? That thing looks as if it could turn my face into a pancake! And besides that, he’s such a great leader! His team clearly flourishes with him as captain, I saw one match where he couldn’t make it and they were only working at 3/4 max of the potential that Oikawa is able to draw out of them - it’s incredible! I worked on a project with him once and he was both in charge and so considerate! He’s more than his face, you know.” Your hands moved passionately and he could imagine the sparkles in your eyes as you talked, the way you occasionally did about your favourite media or facts.

He was in deep, and your rant at your friend gave him the nudge he needed to confess immediately... or maybe at interhigh.

Akaashi:

He nodded as you spoke, having been asked to help tutor you for the upcoming exam, as you had a few things that you were stuck on. He’d accepted immediately, since he was absolutely smitten with you. Nobody had been told about this, not even Bokuto, because he would tease Akaashi to kingdom come if he found out - or he’d try to set you up, which would be even worse. Gently correcting a mistake you’d made in your work, he took the time to appreciate being so close to you. Akaashi loved to spend time with you, since you’d become tentative friends due to sitting adjacent to each other in Biology, and since you occasionally came to his matches, but only when you had the time.

There was a slight noise as his phone buzzed in his pocket, and, taking it out, he saw a text from Bokuto, saying that he’d forgotten where the bibs for practice were stored and that he was outside the classroom so that Akaashi could point him in the right direction. Stepping outside with a sigh, he showed Bokuto which way the storage cupboard was, and gave him very clear directions on how to get back to the gym from there, along with another, not really that sincere, apology for having to miss practice to tutor you. However, just before he opened the door again to the spare classroom that you were working in, his ears picked up the sound of your voice, on the phone to one of your friends.

“Yes I am getting tutored by Akaashi!” His curiosity was piqued, was your friend interested in him or something? He couldn’t hear the sound from your phone speaker, but your response sent sparks through him.

“No, of course I haven’t confessed to him - It’s not like he likes me back! Besides, we are actually supposed to be working!”

“...”

“Yes, I’m sure I like him! He’s so considerate, and he explains things really well, and he always knows how to help, and he’s gorgeous.”

Oh. Oh Oh Oh! You liked him! He couldn’t stop the beaming smile that shone across his face as your conversation with your friend trailed off, leaning against the wall outside and trying to quell the ache in his cheeks that came with such a wide, lovestruck grin. His ears were pink and his eyes sparkled, and if anyone had walked past him at that moment, they’d say that he’d never looked more alive.

He walked into the classroom, glowing, and sat back down next to you before clearing his throat. He could see redness in your face as well, and mustered all his courage to do what he’d been wanting to for a while.

“Hey... I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you today and... I was wondering if... you’d maybe like to go out with me sometime?”

Your resounding yes made this the best day ever.

Yamaguchi:

It was a Saturday, sunny, warm, and boring. Yamaguchi had decided to try and pass the time by going for a quick stroll down to his favourite café, passing through a lovely green park on the way, where he walked around, looking at the different species of flower, and the fish in the ponds, throwing a few crumbs of bread to them as he passed. To be honest, the only way for the day to be more perfect would have been a backing soundtrack, then it would have felt like something directly out of a feel-good film.

Coming to a new street, he wandered past a few shops, until he came to where he’d been meaning to come. The sweets sold here were the best, and getting one, plus a lemonade, to take away while he walked was just an extremely relaxing thing to do. He was planning to go and read a book in the park, to soak up some of the sunlight and enjoy the lovely afternoon.

The bell tinkled as he pushed open the door, and his nose was caressed by the smell of baking bread and sugar. However, as he approached the front to order, he spotted you and a couple of your friends sitting in the corner, near the window, all of you nursing some cold drinks and chatting with one another. His heart jumped into his throat, the sound of it pounding in his ears. The lady at the countertop, who had got to know Yamaguchi relatively well, since he came here so often, leaned over and grinned at him.

“Do you know them?” She asked, a twinkle in her eyes. At his nod, she giggled and said to him, “Whichever of them you like, you should say so! I bet they’d say yes!”

He thanked her, quietly, and smiled, knowing that she only meant well, and waited at the side of the counter for his order to be ready. As he waited, your voice drifted over to him from your seat at the window.

“So, do you like anyone?” One of your friends said with a laugh, you appeared to be having one of those lighthearted discussions that good friends sometimes have about such things.

A blush sprang to your face, and you brought a hand to your eyes, “...Maybe...” Leaning forwards, your friend gestured for you to continue. You sunk further into your chair in embarrassment.

“Ok... so you know... Yamaguchi?”

“Yamaguchi?” Your friend replied excitedly.

“Yeah,” smiling, your gaze drifted a little, as if you were lost in thought. “He’s just the sweetest, honestly, so supportive and kind, he helped me out after I tripped over the other day, and, when I missed one of the maths lessons, he talked me through the material... he’s lovely...”

Grinning, your friend patted your hand, relaxing back into their chair, “Well, he’s definitely not the worst person for you to be crushing on, you’ll need to drop some hints though... want a hand?”

“Stop it!” You whined, bringing your hands up again to cover your tomato-red face as your friend laughed.

Yamaguchi left the café with three things, a pastry, a lemonade, and the resolve to ask you out the next time he saw you. He practically skipped down the lane as he went back to the park, joy filling his heart.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 4

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kyber-crystal · 4 years

Text

➳ good enough || s.r.

summary: after a long week you’re left completely exhausted. steve comforts you and helps you unwind.

words: ~1.6k

warnings: slight mentions of violence, angst, angst-to-fluff, a lil friends-to-lovers (i’m SORRY literally all of my oneshots are some variation of this but i just can’t resist), minor age gap? (if you call 5 years a lot). also civil war happened but they resolved it so 2017 au teeheeeeee

a/n: this sucked omg. why is my writing going downhill. also this is a red-room-turned-agent-reader who helped steve adjust when he came out of the ice bc i love cliche love backstories hehe...i tried to be very descriptive here but that failed oops. this is prolly one of my worst fics ever (it’s unedited) but my other one got deleted so i’m uploading this in its place!

Steve knew something was wrong the minute you came back from your mission. You always acted a bit off the first few days following your return, but for some reason, today seemed different. For the past week you'd been blatantly avoiding his gaze, refusing to meet his eye unless forced to.

You don’t even return Sam and Bucky’s sarcastic one-liners - and you always make sure to send a cheesy joke right back at them. It’s not typical for you to be so quiet and reserved like this; frankly, it scared him.

He knows that as a former Red Room assassin, you never had it easy. As the youngest of the twenty-eight dancer-disguised warriors, you were merely eight years old when you were admitted (Natasha was thirteen). At eight, there was much you didn’t know. You were naive, easily shaped to conform to the strict rules they’d set out for you.

But despite all the hell you’d gone through in the past, you managed to find it in your heart to forgive and create a compassionate nature towards others. Especially him. He always wondered what he deserved to get someone like you-- he felt more than lucky to have you in his life.

It was 4 a.m, and his insomnia was at its worst. It had peaked ever since he’d come out of the ice - he was 27, had so much of his life before him before it was abruptly put to a stop. But then he met you, with your warm eyes and kind smile that was such a sharp contrast to the girl you used to be.

The sound of muffled shouts coming from across the compound makes him look up - he sets down his mug of coffee and immediately heads down the hall to see what’s going on.

Steve carefully pushed open the glass doors to the training facility, seeing you standing in front of a punching bag and attacking the hell out of it with an almost murderous look in your eyes - one he’d never seen before. The tape around your knuckles were splattered with your crimson blood. Despite the dim lighting, he could see the outlines of fresh bruises all over your arms and shoulders. The sight made bile rise up in his throat. He felt his heart break.

Every heavy blow of your fists was accompanied by a ground-shaking boom that echoed across the gym, unleashing the monster trapped inside. You pick up the pace and increase your speed, channelling all your pent-up anger and frustration and guilt into what you were doing.

It hurts. You would give anything to get rid of the pain. It hurts like hell, but you would trade living a regret-ridden life for a guilt-free one in a heartbeat if that’s what it takes. Besides, you’ve experienced far worse before-- six-inch knife wounds, bullets to the abdomen and upper arms, broken ribs and noses. This should be a walk in the park.

The concerned super-soldier stood several feet away and observed you, silently watching you murdering the poor punching bag that’s barely withholding all the fury you’ve poured into pummeling it; it was about to burst at the seams.

“Y/N.” You didn’t hear him and kept going, so he repeated himself again. “Y/N.”

“What?” you snapped, keeping your gaze trained in front of you. “What the hell do you want?”

“Shouldn’t you be in bed? It’s late. What’s keeping you up at this hour?”

“Nothing,” you replied plainly, but he caught the brief flash of a grief-stricken look cross over your expression and your eyes glaze over, “I’m fine. Leave me alone.”

“You clearly aren’t. Y/N, talk to me. Please.”

“I told you, I’m,” you increased the force of your fists with each word you spoke, as you felt your eyes stinging, “just, fine!”

“Y/N...” he whispered, so softly, as if he was afraid he’d break you with a single sentence.

That was the last straw. The tears spilled over. Your vision began to blur as you didn’t even bother to wipe them away. The broad-shouldered super-soldier, your fists, and the punching bag and everything insight are turned into blurry, shapeless blobs. You try blinking them away but it was no use; but you keep going.

“Please tell me what’s going on. Tell me what’s wrong...please don’t shut me out. I only want to help.”

“Leave me alone,” you repeated with a growl, arms now aching with the pain of a thousand tiny needles. But he doesn’t, and he stays firmly rooted in his place. You hastily wiped at your nose with your hands. “For gods’ sake, Rogers, leave,” smack “me,” smack “alone.”

Your last punch was so hard the walls shook and caused Steve to take a step back in alarm. But after that, all the fight is gone from you. Your knees buckle from underneath you and your shoulders slump in defeat and you crumble to the floor. A sound so raw and hoarse escapes your lips and it sounds nothing near human.

The metallic scent of blood mixed with your salty tears and sweat overwhelms your senses and makes your head spin. Suddenly the act of taking in a single breath seems impossible and your chest tightens, preventing you from being able to breathe properly.

The ever-so-fragile wall that had been struggling to hold your tears at bay finally broke.

Heaving, wrenching sobs clawed their way up your throat and tore through your already weary heart - escaping in broken, agonized cries and heart-wrenching howls that make Steve feel like his heart is deliberately shattering into a million, tiny fragments of glass. He doesn’t know what to do because for the first time in his life, the woman he’s always seen with her head held high and an unmatched confidence that could almost put the President to shame was vulnerable, letting it all out at once.

Steve doesn’t ask any questions nor does he push to to speak up, but silently comes over to you and wraps you into a tight hug, cradling you against his chest. Your arms find their way around his torso, pressing your forehead against the soft cotton of his T-shirt as his free hand makes a gentle trek up and down your back.

As if you were a delicate flower, he carefully brought your head closer and pressed a kiss to your temple, letting his lips linger for a second longer than normal to reassure you. To reassure you that everything would in fact, be okay. Because he was there.

“Don’t leave me...please don’t leave me,” you choked out as he tightened his hold on you. “Please don’t leave.”

“I won’t, darling, I promise,” he cooed, lips brushing against your forehead, “it’s okay. I’m here. You’re okay, we’re okay. Everything’s gonna be just fine.”

Then, the suffocating pressure is eased off your chest, little by little. You began sinking into the comfort of his warm arms and soothing words. And with his reminder that you didn’t have to go through hell and back alone, because he’d be there, you began to heal.

...

ONE YEAR LATER

“...Joining the Avengers has been one hell of a ride. I went through hell and back, had my fair share of ups and downs and fought in countless wars. But along the way I’ve been blessed with the privilege of getting a built-in second family and making some of the best friends I’ve had in my life. I met my soulmate.” Steve gazed down at you warmly as you spoke, “I honestly had no idea things would ever work out like this but now, I can’t imagine a life without knowing who all these amazing people are.

“It’s been 15 months since the day he saved me.” Everyone immediately fell silent. "I had hit a very, very low point in my life and I was just about ready to give up. It was like I was screaming into a void and nobody was there to catch me when I fell. I felt so helpless and lost. Stuck. If Steve hadn’t come along at the time he did...I don’t know what would’ve have happened instead. So, Steve...I want to thank you...for everything. I can’t even begin to list all the things you’ve sacrificed or done for my sake and I owe you. From this point forward I promise to always stick by your side no matter how rough things get. I promise to love you at your best and your worst; whenever you need me I’ll always be here. No amount of anything I do will ever match what you’ve done, but I can promise you this: I’ll love you until the day I die, ‘til death do us part.

“’Till death do us part,” Steve repeated, smiling through the tears in his eyes. “God, I love you.”

You broke into a gorgeous grin that had him weak at the knees. “I love you too.”

“The rings, please,” Fury nodded over in Peter’s direction, and the teenager handed them over to the two of you. “Agent Y/N Y/L/N, do you take Captain Steven Grant Rogers to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“I do,” you said softly, as you put on Steve’s ring.

He turned to the super-soldier. “And Captain Steven Grant Rogers, do you take Agent Y/N Y/L/N to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

Steve took your hand in his and slid the diamond ring over your finger, “I do.”

“Very well, then,” Fury smiled widely, a rare sight. “You may now kiss your bride.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, Steve rushed forward and pulled you close, dipping you down low before bringing you back up and kissing you passionately.

His warm lips serving as a reminder of all that you still had left to live for, that you had so much of your life ahead of you. A life with him.

...

general tags(this is from my old taglist spreadsheet, including mutuals who might be interested): @rynhaswritersblock @purpleskiesstorm @pies-writes-and-more @wxstedhexrt @captainchrisstan @sandystoriess @naomiiiiiiiiiii04 @patzammit @capcapcapsicle @wheresmyjae @thinkingofbuckybarnes @carryonmywaywardbucky @musicalkeys @buckybarnesthehotshot @tombob2005 @zaddychris @optimistic-dinosaur-nacho @sylvie-writes @sis-it-dont-add-up @tonystankschild @sunstalgia

steve rogers/chris evans tags: @speechlessxx @angrybirdcr @stainedsouvenir @marvelfanatic16

permanent tags<3: @poesflygirl @sandwitch-god

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teawithkpop · 5 years

Text

[M] - PhysCom - Pt 4

pt 1 - pt 2 - pt 3 - bc 1 - pt 4 - pt 5 - pt 6

Pairing: BTS - OT7 x Reader

Rating: Mature [18+]

Length: 8.5k words

Genre: PhysCom AU - smut with dashes of angst, and a shitload of romance and complicated feelings,, uhuhu (porn with plot??)

Warnings: swearing, ehhh lots of angst and fighting oh nooo, and mentions of sexual acts

the plot thickens and there’s no actual smut in this part i’m sorrryyyyyy but more smut is coming!! i pinky pwomise uwu

-------

"Morning, jagiya. Do you have a minute?"

You're practically vibrating with the effort of acting normal as you process Taehyung's question. What can you even say to that? Oh, sorry. Actually, can you guys come back later? I'm kind of in the middle of discovering a secret fucking society of PhysComs who are dating their clients, and I'm trying to see if there's a way I can get in on that sweet, sweet deal. Fuck no. That's not going to work. Anything other than agreeing will sound too suspicious, and you can’t let them know what you’ve discovered. At least, not yet.

"Of course." You paste on a smile as you reply, your mind still reeling as you pull the door open all the way. You’re still wearing only your robe, but it’s silly of you to shield your body when it’s theirs to ogle during work hours anyway.

“What can I do for you, masters?” You ask sweetly, slipping on your persona like a second skin to keep your thoughts safely hidden from view. Your clients should always be your first priority. Not rule breaking, and certainly not any unlikely fantasies of romance.

Something seems off about their body language. They look uncomfortable. You’re suddenly reminded of the weird tension in the air when you last saw them, and just how fragile your position is after everything that happened last night. You need to rid their minds of what they saw at dinner. They need to view you as their eager little toy again, not someone who broke or someone to be pitied.

You instantly thicken the illusion of obscenity, eager to convince them, and maybe yourself, that things are just the same as they’ve always been.

“So… what would you like from me? A blow job? Hand job?” You stretch your arm up and lean sensually against the door, your eyes half-lidded. “Do you both want to fuck my little holes and stretch me open?” You giggle cutely and start to untie the silky belt of your robe, forcing all thoughts of your ComGear out of your head so you can focus on your job, which is pleasuring your clients.

Jimin steps forward before you can pull the robe open, and stops your hand. He carefully ties your garment back together, though he avoids your eyes, his expression grim. “No… actually, we want to talk with you.”

Damn. You thought for sure that little ploy would at least fluster them a little, and maybe get them in the mood for something, but they both remain strangely sober.

“It’s about last night,” Taehyung supplies quietly, looking down to the floor.

Well, shit. What is there to talk about? You used your safe word and ruined everyone’s fun. Are they holding it against you or something? That's not really fair when the two of them are partially to blame for distracting you by playing mind games and messing with each other.

Then it dawns on you. Namjoon probably sent them up to apologize for their fighting. That must be why they’re acting so stiff. After all, he did say that the three of you should work things out together.

You feel a bit relieved and give them a fleeting smile of reassurance. “Masters, it’s okay. Let’s just move on from what happened last night, hm?” You want to take their hands, but you resist the urge. You really shouldn’t initiate contact unless it’s related to their pleasure. You settle for lacing your hands coyly behind your back, making your chest stand out rather provocatively. “I’ve forgotten all about it, really.”

They both still look dreadful. Worried. You finally notice that there's a hint of pity in their eyes and it makes your skin crawl with foreboding. You get the terrible sense that this is about something bigger than safe words, squabbles, and kisses.

“No, we all want to talk to you,” Taehyung explains with a slight clearing of his throat. “In the kitchen. Namjoon-hyung sent us to… come and get you.”

You can feel your heart start to race as your adrenaline spikes from a sudden shot of fear. What could they possibly want? What's changed between last night and today? Sure, logically, they could be calling a meeting for a variety of reasons, but only one scenario is circling through your mind, over and over… and it ends with you packing your bags.

“Do you want to, like... go now, or...?” Jimin mumbles, clearly uncomfortable about the situation.

You blink, feeling dizzy. Your playful aura has disintegrated in an instant and made way for something much more frigid and fearful. “Yeah… um, let me just get dressed first,” you murmur distractedly. “I’ll be down in a minute, masters.”

They nod and thankfully take the hint that you need a moment to collect yourself. The two of them head back downstairs and you shut the door behind them, your whole body numb. You hurry to your closet, trying to retain some semblance of routine despite the storm you feel approaching.

In the daily rotation of things, Friday - last night - was Seokjin’s day for him to do as he pleases with you, and that includes deciding what you wear. The apron you’d had on yesterday was one he had picked out for you beforehand. Your closet is sectioned off into clothes and costumes chosen by each boy for you to don beneath (or in some cases on top of) your utility belt on their chosen days. Some days they request a specific outfit, but most of the time it’s up to you to select from their options. Your favorite clothes to wear are probably either the oversized hoodies with cute panties and no bottoms that Jungkook chose for you, or the crop top and leggings variations that Hoseok loves to see you wear.

But Saturday is for Yoongi, and today’s outfits are what could be considered party clothes, full of strappy leather harnesses, deep jewel-toned mini dresses, and lots of high heels. Not exactly comfort clothing. You love it when they choose what you wear and dress you up like a little doll, it’s hot and everything, but sometimes you just want to wear sweatpants. Or a t-shirt and jeans.

Fuck. You grab a pair of black booty shorts and a busty sequined halter top, the closest thing to daywear out of Yoongi’s choices, and you also elect to go barefoot. If this meeting is as bad as you fear it’ll be, then you don’t know if you’ll be able to stand upright in six inch heels for very long. Sorry, Yoongi.

You blow a lock of hair out of your eyes after squeezing yourself into the tight attire. Credit to Min Yoongi where it’s due, the top does make your tits look amazing, but honestly that should be the least of your concerns right now. You almost laugh at such a trivial thought.

Once you reach your bed, you hastily grab your ComGear, hoping you have at least a few minutes to figure out something before you’re pulled away again. There’s a backlog of messages, but thankfully not too many, as you log back into the chat room.

[ PCsv02_svt ]: oh where did she go [ PCsv01_svt ]: probably got called away [ PCsv01_gt7 ]: probably havin.. sexy times B) [ PCsv01_gt7 ]: wink wink [ PCsv01_svt ]: … [ PCsv03_mtx ]: guys you shouldn’t encourage her about dating :/ [ PCsv03_mtx ]: bad things can happen too [ PCsv06_ast ]: yea sanha is always nice to me, but I know some clients can be... not so nice [ PCsv09_$px ]: yeah, thanks [ PCsv06_ast ]: oh... sorry :( [ PCsv02_svt ]: aww aashi didn’t mean it like that G [ PCsv02_svt ]: we’re all here for you, u know that right? [ PCsv09_$px ]: mm. thanks guys [ PCsv01_svt ]: speaking of which, how are things with you? [ PCsv09_$px ]: uh.. same as always. [ PCsv01_svt ]: has anything happened since last time? [ PCsv09_$px ]: no, but they’ve been out of the house a lot [ PCsv09_$px ]: they have a lot of schedules right now [ PCsv01_svt ]: I see… [ PCsv02_svt ]: oh she’s back!

You stare at the log in dismay. Well, crap. “Bad things” can happen...? What kind of bad things? Is dating clients a thing or not? You have too many questions and not enough answers, and you don’t have time to investigate any of it. The boys are waiting for you downstairs.

[ PCsv01_bts ]: so… my clients just called a meeting with me. I can’t really talk right now. [ PCsv01_svt ]: a meeting? [ PCsv02_svt ]: that’s okay hon! we’ll still be here when u get back ^^ [ PCsv01_bts ]: this is all…fuck sorry, it’s a lot to deal with right now

You rake a hand through your hair, your body and mind are just completely spent from everything that’s happened recently.

[ PCsv01_svt ]: it’s alright, we’re not going anywhere [ PCsv03_twc ]: take your time to understand everything ♡ [ PCsv03_twc ]: it took me a while haha [ PCsv06_ast ]: we’ve got your back! 150% hehe >u< [ PCsv02_svt ]: yeah! don’t sweat it hon~ be kind to yourself, especially when you need to figure things out ^^

All of their assurance pouring in nearly brings a smile to your face. You don’t know most of these people, and you can’t be sure that they aren’t all just really smart bots or spies sent by your network, but… they do seem like a supportive bunch.

[ PCsv01_bts ]: thanks [ PCsv01_bts ]: but what exactly did micha mean by “bad things can happen”? [ PCsv01_bts ]: is dating even safe? [ PCsv03_mtx ]: oh haha… [ PCsv04_blp ]: safe? Oh honey... [ PCsv01_gt7 ]: lolol [ PCsv03_mtx ]: well I just meant that some PhysComs have been… taken advantage of [ PCsv03_mtx ]: so you can’t just jump into it ^^; [ PCsv01_svt ]: i wouldn’t call anything in this line of work “safe” per se [ PCsv01_svt ]: it’s hard to advise anything when we don’t know what your clients are really like [ PCsv01_svt ]: but if you do manage to enter a relationship it can either make or break your employment [ PCsv01_gt7 ]: hell yeahhhhh B)) [ PCsv01_svt ]: for some people it’s a last ditch effort, offering intimacy to idols who are touch starved to begin with… oftentimes breaking those boundaries will changes the client’s perspective, and soon they see you as essential, regardless of any minor misconducts [ PCsv01_svt ]: while for others, the attachment forms naturally and appears to be a genuine connection, such as with sascha and joshua [ PCsv01_svt ]: but of course there’s no way to tell for sure if the client’s feelings are genuine or if they have ulterior motives, so it’s definitely a risk [ PCsv01_svt ]: if things were to turn sour in the relationship, it could lead to termination or worse… you know, hell hath no fury like a lover scorned and all that [ PCsv01_svt ]: people can be duplicitous [ PCsv01_gt7 ]: durr durrr antione smart smart [ PCsv01_gt7 ]: i’m taking notes on ur lecture sir uwu [ PCsv01_svt ]: blake [ PCsv01_gt7 ]: ^-^? [ PCsv01_svt ]: shut the hell your mouth [ PCsv01_gt7 ]: >:D

You sigh. Reading all these names and trying to keep everyone’s identities straight is making your head spin in your already addled state.

[ PCsv01_bts ]: is there a way to change the contact names in this chat? [ PCsv01_svt ]: nope [ PCsv02_svt ]: sorry boo, it’s for protection ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You groan in frustration. Nothing is making sense, you’ve found no answers, and you still aren’t sure you can even trust this chat room. On a whim, you tap on Sascha’s username, and a contact page pulls up for her within the chat app. It doesn’t give any information besides her username and a blank profile photo, but there is a call button.

Shit, what do you have to lose? If this is real and not some elaborate hoax, then Sascha should pick up… right? You could grill her, ask her questions only she would know to prove it’s really her.

A sudden buzz from your ComGear nearly scares you shitless, and you check to see that it’s just a message from Namjoon.

Sweetheart? Could you come down to the kitchen?

You take a deep breath to steel your nerves. Fuck. You can’t put this meeting off any longer. You slip your ComGear into your belt and head downstairs towards what you’re sure will be your inevitable doom.

-------

On your way down the long staircase, you take deep cleansing breaths to combat the growing knot in your stomach. You’re hoping half-heartedly, albeit rather foolishly, that maybe the boys just need your help with something harmless, like making breakfast. They do love your omelettes.

You slow down as you approach the kitchen door, and you can hear many muffled voices arguing on the other side. It sounds like they’re trying to stay quiet, but failing. You stop to listen, your curiosity getting the better of you.

“Just because you got to-” “-not fair-” “I don’t like this-” “-so why should she be punished for-” “I swear it wasn’t-”

Punished? You don’t like the sound of that at all, not one bit. Just as panic starts to swarm your mind, Namjoon’s voice rises above the clamor. You lean against the door to hear his calm cadence, much more gentle than the previous raucous of the others.

"Look! Guys, I know it'll be hard. Okay? I know we've all grown very attached to her, but I think... I think this will be for the best. For all of us."

Fuck his calm cadence.

They must be talking about you, they have to be. You’re the only “her” in this house. You feel like you’re drowning in regret and fear, spiraling as your worries returning tenfold, despite your best effort to keep them at bay.

You’re going to walk through that door and they’re going to fire you, you can feel it. Namjoon’s going to look you in the eyes, and where such tenderness had been last night, now there will only be a steely gaze. It’s just business. You slump against the polished wood and bite back a dry sob, burying your face in your hands. You don’t think you can do this.

“God, you make it sound like she’s dying.” There’s Yoongi’s voice, lilted and matter of fact. “She’s not going anywhere.”

You lift your head. Not going anywhere? As in, not being fired?

Oh, bless Min Yoongi and his slutty sequin tops. But then… if you’re not going anywhere, ergo not getting fired, then what the hell are they talking about?

“Yeah, but what if this thing doesn’t work? What if she doesn’t... want this from us?” Jungkook’s timid question draws silence from the room.

“Then things will go back to normal, right? We just… forget it ever happened.” Jin. He sounds bitter and forlorn, not at all like his usual self.

“How can things be normal after what happened last night?” Hoseok sounds even worse than Jin, his voice choked with emotion. “I don’t think I can even have her as a PhysCom anymore! Something has to change.”

This declaration is met with another bout of overlapping arguments, only to be silenced once again by Namjoon.

“No, Hobi-hyung is right.” Namjoon says, his voice decisive and final. “This is a fork in the road for all of us. At the end of the week, we’ll take another vote. If things don’t improve with her, then… we’ll do what has to be done. There are always other PhysComs who can fill the position.”

What... the fuck…?

Ice crawls up your back, as if someone just dumped you into a freezing pool of water. Numbness seeps through your limbs, into your heart.

Are you really that replaceable in their eyes?

You’ve invested all your time into building bonds with these boys specifically so this wouldn’t happen. How can they be so heartless? It hurts. There’s a wrenching pain in your chest at hearing them talk about you so… so pragmatically.

It hurts because it’s exactly the way that you would handle the situation. With pragmatism.

But you know what? Fuck this. Fuck them. They took a fucking vote on the fate of your livelihood? You owe them nothing.

You’re overwhelmed, and angry, and confused, and you just can’t take it anymore. You want this guessing game to end. If they’re going to fire you, or punish you, or whatever, then you should just go in there and get it over with already. It has to hurt less than hearing them talk about you so callously.

You wait for a break in the conversation, and then ease open the kitchen door, stepping inside and doing your best to keep your expression neutral.

“Oh, there she is! Just the woman we wanted to see.” Namjoon looks up at you with a practiced smile, even though he’d just been rubbing his forehead the way he does when he’s stressed.

“Not for long,” Yoongi mutters, clutching his coffee mug a little too tightly as he takes a sip.

Your gaze flickers to him as quiet, seething anger settles in the pit of your stomach, a burning ache that doesn’t go away. He has the balls to joke about this, when your career is on the line? You’d have thought Mr. Underground Rapper would understand how hard you’ve fought to get here. Does he really feel nothing, sipping his coffee while you face the guillotine?

Namjoon shoots Yoongi a weary look, then comes over to greet you. “Good morning, sweetheart. How are you feeling? Better?” He cups your cheek, his eyes full of gentle concern.

You nearly flinch away from his touch. How dare he act so kind to you when they were just conspiring about whether you’ll keep your job?

You take a step back, out of range to be touched by any of them.

“What’s going on?” You ask them firmly, deciding not to hide your misgivings. Their eyes all seem to wander elsewhere in the room, Jungkook is staring at the counter in front of him like it’s suddenly become very interesting. Taehyung is looking up at the ceiling as if counting the tiles. Seokjin’s gaze is trained straight ahead into nothing, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. Cowards, all of them.

Namjoon takes the initiative and clears his throat. It’s hard to take him seriously when he’s wearing Ryan the Bear pajamas, but you give him your rapt attention. “So, we’ve been discussing things, and after what happened last night… well, it really cemented this for us. It made the decision that much easier.”

Did it? Did it really make it easier for them to fire you after seeing you break down and cry from using your safe word? You half debate throwing a punch at that handsome jaw of his. Might as well go out swinging.

He seems uncomfortable from the severity of your glare. Good, let him be uncomfortable. God knows you’ve put yourself in some uncomfortable positions for them.

“You’ve worked very hard for us since you were hired, and since today marks your official six month anniversary, we think it’s only fitting to end these six months on a good note.”

Oh, how poetic. Come on, just get on with it. Flowery words, especially insincere ones, won’t help you find another job. They won’t help keep you off the street while you struggle to make a living for yourself.

You stare up at him determinedly, your lips pursed as you steel yourself for the blow. You will not cry.

“We want to extend your time off.”

Wait, what?

“Starting tomorrow. It would have been your second day off for this month, but we’d like to extend that to a week off instead.”

They’re not firing you? They’re… rewarding you with vacation time? Doesn’t make sense. Your mind is reeling, trying to figure out the catch.

“You can wear whatever you want, do whatever you’d like.” Namjoon rubs the back of his neck, seemingly thrown off by your wide eyed lack of response. “You’re not obligated to have sex with us…”

Oh. There it is. A sex ban.

Sure, they’ll give you a nice little vacation, free of worries and obligations. What, so they can all play with Secondaries, like Jin did?

Fuck, that’s what this is about, isn’t it? Jin probably told them how good it felt to fuck another cunt and now this is their way of telling you that they want to ‘see other people’, isn’t it?

This is worse than firing you outright. They’re killing you slowly, stabbing you in the gut to watch you bleed out, like a wounded animal in the desert.

Your vision is red, rage stemming from fear and insecurity building up inside of you faster than you can comprehend.

“So you’re suspending me?” Your voice is surprisingly calm, even to your own ears.

“I… I guess you could put it like that.” Namjoon says hesitantly.

“We just want to give you a break, jagiya,” Taehyung interjects, and he does look genuinely torn up about the change. But feelings are of no use, not now that things have come to this. The only protection you have left is your own pragmatism to rival theirs.

You cross your arms in front of your chest, feeling much too exposed in your skimpy outfit. Damn Min Yoongi and his slutty sequin tops. You level your gaze at each of them in turn. “Don’t I get a say in this? I’m an independent contractor.”

Namjoon seems befuddled by your scorching glare, but he nods after a moment, seeming to come to his senses. He’s the one person here that’s best equipped to acquiesce to your sudden formalities. “Yes, of course. Uh… do you want to step into my office? We can work something out. Draw up a formal agreement, if you’d like.”

You see a flash in your mind of the last time you were in Namjoon’s office, not even a week ago, where you had him bent over his desk, cumming all over your fingers and dripping onto the ornate carpet.

You shake your head. They don’t want you to play with them for a week? Fine. You won’t give Namjoon the satisfaction of a home court advantage. “I’ll call my handler. We can discuss this in the lounge in an hour.” You don’t have a lawyer, but Yeji is the next best thing.

Namjoon seems a little surprised at your sudden switch to a cold and business-like demeanor, but he nods in agreement.

“Wonderful,” you look between the other boys, though most of them avoid your gaze. “I hope you all enjoy your breakfast.” You can’t resist hissing the words, and you hasten out of the room before your stone cold facade can crack.

You close the door behind you and lean heavily against it, trying to find your balance again after being thrown so off-kilter. What the fuck just happened?

“Well… that could have gone better.” You hear Yoongi sigh, and the others all break out into loud bickering again from behind the door. Honestly, they’re like children sometimes.

You scoff miserably at their immaturity and inability to see how seriously they just toyed with your life, and you wipe your eyes before the tears can fall, hurrying back to your room.

-------

That could’ve fucking gone better indeed.

You press your face into your hands, trying to stifle the fury and despair bubbling up inside your chest, threatening to suffocate you. Your hard work and years of dedication, all of your training, everything you’ve worked towards, becoming valuable and necessary so you’d never be cast away again, it’s all for nothing. You’ve still ended up in this position.

What the hell are you supposed to do now? Wait around for a week as they slowly lose interest in you? The very thought is agonizing. It tugs at all your buried fears and insecurities, watching them as they each slowly forget about you. Watching yourself become useless.

No. Stop it, you don’t have time to feel sorry for yourself when there’s work to be done. Time is ticking.

When you get overwhelmed in life, you’re supposed to ask for help. But you have very limited choices for who you can ask. You’re isolated and subjective in this case, so what you need right now are some outside opinions. Objective viewpoints and thoughts about the situation that aren’t stuck in the mire of emotional complications, and tainted by your own hellish visions of the worst possible outcome.

Yeji, your handler, would be your first person to consult. She’s probably the most professional woman you know, after yourself, and most importantly, she always has a plan for any situation. You pull out your ComGear and see that it’s still on Sachsa’s mysterious contact page. She could be a second opinion. That is, if it’s really Sachsa and not some network spy.

You shake away the thought. One thing at a time.

You send a brief message to Yeji, letting her know to come and see you as soon as possible. You tack on that it’s kind of an emergency, and could she pick up some ice cream for you on the way, double fudge ripple.

She replies that she’ll be over in fifteen minutes, which gives you just enough time to change clothes and rehearse how to explain what happened.

You shed Min Yoongi's sequined strip of fabric without an ounce of remorse and stare at your closet in dismay. None of their outfits are comfortable, let alone respectable for a meeting. Frankly, your pajamas would offer more coverage.

You feel close to tears at the simple matter of choosing an outfit. This is ridiculous.

No. They may have control over what you do, but you can still rebel, at least in this small aspect of your life. You grab one of Jungkook's hoodies and a pair of leggings from Hobi, combining the outfits into what could be considered loungewear.

Once changed, you feel a bit more like yourself, and wait anxiously for your handler to arrive.

-------

Choi Yeji is an intimidating woman. She possesses the subtlety and sting of a viper, and isn’t afraid to say what she means. She’s never shown you any great lengths of emotion, even under stressful circumstances. So it doesn’t surprise you to see her calm and collected as she walks into your room.

“What happened?” She asks while you shut the door behind her, and she sets down the shopping bag of ice cream.

Her composure helps ease your frazzled brain, and you quickly explain the events of the past twenty four hours. Well, the events she needs to know, anyway. You were stressed at dinner, used your safeword, and now they seemingly think you’re broken and need to rest, but you suspect it’s an excuse for them to distance themselves from you.

“You think you’ve fallen out of their favor?” Yeji inquires, resting the tip of her spoon in her mouth. She claims desserts are her only vice, and had joined you in the ice cream, but still kept a professional distance and had eaten hers seated on your desk chair while you remained flopped on your bed. “Why? They’ve never sent in a single complaint about your service.”

You sigh in frustration. You know, or you at least suspect, that it has something to do with the… feelings that have come to your attention recently.

But the thought of sharing your romantic dalliances with Yeji is just plain awkward. Your relationship with her has always been business focused, monitoring your diet and exercise, your needs and leisure requests. You've never called her over to talk about your love life, or anything too personal for that matter. It’s not really in her job description.

She’s your handler, not your therapist.

But you know that you can't get around telling her the reason why things have been so tense in the house, it's inevitably going to come up. If she's representing you and backing you up during this meeting with Namjoon, it's in your best interest for her to know all the facts.

That still doesn't make it any easier to talk about. “I... think I might know why.” You admit, laying on your back, covering your face with your arm as you prepare to talk about your affairs.

Yeji levels you with a knowing look. “Did the chat room help you figure it out?”

You sit bolt upright. How the hell did she find out?

Your brain struggles to provide an explanation in a vain attempt to cover your tracks, but Yeji eases you down from your silent panic with a wave of her hand.

“It’s alright,” she chuckles, a kind smile gracing her lips. “I was the only person alerted that you’d disconnected from the network and linked to a new one. I know all about the hidden network."

"You do?" You manage to utter, too astounded to say much else.

"Of course." Yeji inclines her head. "I used to work closely with Madame Guillaume, you know."

The tension dissipates from your body to make room for the curiosity that now overwhelms you. Guillaume? That was her last name? You only ever knew her as Madame.

Yeji seems amused at your dumbfounded expression. "Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me."

You don’t know what to say. Honestly at this point, so many shocking things have happened to you that a part of you isn’t even surprised anymore to hear that Yeji knows about the PhysCom dark web. Sure. Why not?

“So is it… real?” You ask, scooting closer towards the edge of the bed.

Yeji sets down her spoon along with the empty pint of ice cream. "Yes. It's most certainly real." She folds her hands in her lap, unaware of the chocolate that's gotten around her upper lip. "But that isn't to say it's not dangerous."

You can't help the snort of a laugh that comes out of you as she talks so seriously with chocolate on her face. She looks at you askance and you wordlessly hand a tissue to her, pointing at your own mouth. "You have something…"

She blinks rapidly. "Ah, apologies." She looks over to your vanity mirror and wipes off the smudges. There's a slight lilt to her voice when she speaks, a result of the fact that Yeji always uses English around you, despite Korean being her native tongue.

You’d mentioned once that it sometimes felt weird to see others’ lips move differently to what you were hearing them say, thanks to your auto-translation chip, and she’d apparently made a note of that. Yeji has used English with you ever since, despite your assurances. It amazes you that she always goes above and beyond to make sure you're comfortable, even when it comes to speaking

Your handler clears her throat to continue. "Anyway, as I was saying. The network does have security, but no measures are foolproof. Anything you send to them has a risk of being seen by other people."

You twist your lips to the side. “Like who?”

“Well, for one, their clients could easily catch a glimpse of the chat,” she notes. “Or the information could be leaked in a security breach. You know all the leading PhysCom networks have heard whispers about this dark web you’ve discovered, and many of them would be all too eager to dismantle it.”

You automatically shake your head. You don’t know why, but the idea of the people in that chat room getting discovered, or being punished for their little spark of camaraderie… it feels wrong. Totalitarian. “But they’re not harming anyone. It’s just a group chat.”

Yeji sighs. Her lips twitch as she considers her next words. “It may seem harmless, or indeed it may even be harmless,” she states calmly. “But the higher up that one is placed, the more scared one becomes of falling. People in the higher ranks of the industry may view the chat room as a threat. Like a… PhysCom mutiny.”

“What? But that’s ridiculous!” You huff out a laugh. “They can’t possibly think we could organize a union against them. We’re illegal workers. We have no rights in society, we can’t even physically see each other.”

Sure, the risk of rebellion would be understandable in companies that employ people in respectable positions. But sex workers? That’s like being worried that drug dealers will rebel against the crooked pharmacies that supply them.

PhysComs are nothing without networks to market them and provide for their basic needs. Your career is forever tied to your network, so each network only wants the best of the best. Your reputation reflects on them as a business. So, if you get fired by your clients… your network might let you go, too.

You sigh, trying to push away such troubling thoughts. “Besides, it’s not like the people in that chat room are the only people who can fill their positions.” Your face falls a little as you continue. “We’re replaceable.”

Yeji picks up on your change in tone. “You were telling me why you think things have changed?” She waits patiently for you to explain.

You hug your knees to your chest, your gaze falling to your comforter. “I think… some of my clients might have developed feelings for me.”

You wait in silence for a beat, not daring to look up.

“Is that all?” Yeji asks, as if you’d just informed her that the toilet paper had run out.

You scoff in bewilderment. “What do you mean ‘is that all’?” You demand, a little underwhelmed by her reaction. Does she just know everything? “That’s a huge deal! Feelings are not a part of my job.”

Yeji tilts her head to the side, her eyes cast upward as though looking for the right words. “Perhaps. You might consider it an… occupational hazard,” she says with a kind look towards you. “You may not be selling your heart to those boys, but you are selling your body, which protects your heart fiercely. After enough time, letting them touch your body… it’s inevitable they might slip through and touch your heart.” She shrugs, taking a sip of the coffee to-go cup she always seems to have on hand.

You feel exasperated, like you’ve been building up all this hot air only to have it slowly leak out of your proverbial balloon. “You don’t have to get all… philosophical about it,” you grouse half-heartedly. Yeji merely chortles.

“The insecure always cast stones at those who speak the truth,” she hums into another sip of coffee, looking over the references she’d brought with her on her phone. “Now that I’m aware of this huge deal of yours, you may want to fill in any details you, ah… forgot to mention?” She gives you a look, and you groan inwardly.

But you comply, spilling all the information of your romantic dalliances since the moment Taehyung kissed you. Yeji doesn’t hold any judgement in her face, she merely nods, taking a few notes for herself, and asking an occasional clarifying question. You also feel compelled to add in what you overheard the boys talking about before you came into the kitchen.

“They said something about a vote… and that they would hold another one at the end of the week ‘if things don’t improve’ with me. Can you believe that?” You inhale, trying to quell the anger in you before it can bubble up again.

Yeji clicks her tongue, a cold clarity in her eyes as she adjusts her glasses. “So you believe Kim Namjoon is the instigator in all of this? He would try to dismiss you, even after you confided in him?”

“He’s their leader,” you say quietly, unable to conceal the hurt in your voice. “His loyalties are to them.”

Yeji doesn’t look at you with pity, but with sympathy. You’re grateful for the distinction. Pity makes you feel worthless, but sympathy makes you feel… heard. Understood. Not something you’re used to experiencing, but it’s still a nice feeling to have.

“Well,” Yeji checks her phone, standing up to leave. “It looks like we’re just about out of time. We’d best be getting downstairs.”

You get up as well, tugging your clothes back into place. “So, you’ll help me change his mind?”

“I must remain impartial, in order to reach a satisfactory conclusion for both parties.” She gives you a look while organizing her papers and clipping them into her briefcase. “But I’ll do what I can to negotiate you out of this so-called vacation,” she says, her voice fueled with that same resolve that she’d shown you whenever she’d been fixated on getting you something that you requested.

“Yeji.” You hesitate, then walk over and take a hold of her arm. “Just please… don’t go easy on him.” You ask, giving her a meaningful look.

She pauses and looks at you for a moment, then finally lets out a sigh with a brief flutter of her eyes. Her job isn’t easy, but then again, neither is yours.

“Alright,” Her voice is reluctant, but resolute. She gives you a brief smile with a touch of fondness, and opens the door for you. “I’ll give him hell.”

-------

You wind and unwind the drawstring of your hoodie around your finger as Yeji organizes her paperwork. The tension in the air is palpable. Namjoon sits across from you both, now dressed for the day in business casual, a white t-shirt under a blazer and slacks. He must have an interview or a photoshoot today.

Your mind wanders briefly to what he usually does when he has a schedule, asks you for a quick blowjob before he leaves. You think of that warm smile he gives you after you swallow his cum, and the tenderness of his lips as he kisses your cheek before he heads out the door.

Lewd domesticity is how he phrased the kink during his interview.

“So, Mr. Kim Namjoon,” Yeji begins, snapping you out of your memories, her voice crisp in the otherwise silent room. She’s speaking in Korean again, to more clearly communicate with him. “You and my client are in a disagreement with regards to her services, is that correct?”

Namjoon frowns. “Not exactly. We just had a… simple misunderstanding this morning.”

Yeji gives him a thin smile. “Well, she called me here, which must mean that she feels the need for professional support concerning this issue,” she continues swiftly. “There are no laws governing Physical Companions, Mr. Kim, because they are not technically legal. A black market business. Therefore, I am the closest thing my client has to legal representation, and I wouldn’t call my lawyer about a ‘simple misunderstanding’, would you?”

Namjoon’s eyes flash with something almost like regret as he glances to you. His mouth opens and closes for a moment, then he briefly shakes his head, his gaze returning to Yeji. “No, I-I wouldn’t.”

“Right.” Yeji raps her collection of papers on the oak tabletop to align them, barely giving Namjoon a glance as she begins flicking through the stack. “Now, then. My client has told me that you wish to put her on suspension, is that correct?”

Namjoon winces. “I wouldn’t say that, uh, Ms. Choi,” he says, wringing his hands together. He looks nervous, his eyes flickering from you to Yeji, and back again. “Does our PhysCom need to be present for this meeting?” He asks her, flashing a smile that would be charming and amiable, if he didn’t look so tense.

Yeji meets his gaze unflinchingly. “Yes.”

“I… um, alright.” He purses his lips with a nod.

It’s weird. In all the time you’ve known him, Namjoon has always been unfazed and collected when it comes to business. You’ve never seen him look so flustered before. Since he’s putting you in this position, it’s satisfying, in a twisted sort of way, to see him uncomfortable.

He clears his throat. “In any case, myself and my members just wanted to give her a break. Simply extend her vacation time.”

Yeji looks to you, her expression almost bored. “Do you want a vacation?”

You shake your head. “No, I don’t.” You throw a glare at Namjoon before returning your gaze to the houseplant on your left, inspecting each leaf as you try to stay calm. You know if you look for too long at him, you’ll start getting worked up again. Your anger and resentment is still there, bubbling just below the surface. You hope he knows how much he hurt you.

Yeji turns back to him, inclining her head, her tone that of explaining something simple to someone who should know better. “It is against her will, so it’s considered a suspension, Mr. Kim.” She slips her glasses on, reading over the fine print on the paperwork. “My client is given two days off each month, is that correct?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Namjoon says. “One day off, every two weeks.”

Yeji raises an eyebrow. “Yet, you wish to suspend her for an entire week. That’s over three months worth of her regular vacation time. I must say, this appears to be much more than a simple extension, as you put it. I wonder why that would be?” She flips a page, skimming the words casually. “It says here that she’s received nothing but glowing reviews from all of you since she was hired six months ago.”

Namjoon shifts uncomfortably. You can tell that he’s trying to keep up his shields, but Yeji is a formidable foe with which to spar, able to find the smallest opening in an opponent’s armor and pierce through with the speed of a rapier.

“No particular reason.” Namjoon seems to settle on the answer after calculating his words.

“No reason?” Yeji’s eyes widen in mock surprise. “Mr. Kim,” She sets her papers on the table, looking at him expectantly. “I’m afraid I can’t allow this discussion to go any further unless you have a good reason for putting my client, your Primary PhysCom I might add, on suspension for an entire week.” She shakes her head with a mild shrug of indifference.

Namjoon tugs at the cuffs of his jacket. "Well, I think we can-"

Yeji interrupts him, her words slow and purposeful. “I think… it would reflect very poorly on you as a leader to make such drastic decisions,” Here, she gives a very brief smile that could be mistaken for politeness, if there was any warmth left in her eyes. “... for ‘no particular reason’. Don’t you agree, Mr. Kim?”

Damn. Hit him where it hurts, Yeji.

Namjoon’s mouth grows slack, his expression dumbfounded. You bite back a smile, eternally grateful for being assigned such a kickass handler. You make a note to request a bonus for her next paycheck.

But now Namjoon’s face has grown dark. His fingers are tented together, and he seems lost in a silent debate within his own mind. “I didn’t want to do this…” he mutters so quietly, you almost can’t make out the words.

He inhales sharply and sits up a little straighter, his composure regained. “Ms. Choi,” he begins. “I must admit, we do have some concerns about her performance.”

Your heart drops like a stone.

“Oh?” Yeji doesn’t look up at him, but starts scribbling on one of her papers. “What might those be?”

“We believe that she’s overworked, since, as you pointed out, she is our only Primary,” he explains in almost a monotone. “Her behavior has been emotional and unpredictable lately.”

At this, your gaze snaps to him, shocked. Why the fuck would he say that?

He looks down to the floor, as though ashamed, as he continues. “She’s kissed two of our members since yesterday, which is not on her list of services. She broke down crying last night during dinner. When we went to use another PhysCom, she had a meltdown. Started screaming at us.”

Your body feels numb and on fire all at once.

"We're concerned about her professionalism."

That motherfucker.

You leap to your feet, your body moving before you can think. Yeji pulls you back from physically assaulting him, but you strain against her grip like a wild animal. “You bastard!” You spit out the insult, hair falling in your face and venom in your voice, still huffing out ragged breaths as Yeji patiently calms you back into your seat.

Your hands clench so hard you dig marks into your palms. You’re shaking with unbridled rage at his betrayal. You didn't think it was possible to be so angry. Of all people, Namjoon knows exactly how dedicated you are to your work, even when you’re exhausted, how closely you stick to your professional boundaries, even when it hurts, how tirelessly you work to please all seven of them, even if it means being used over and over again without a moment to breathe. You’ve always given everything to your job.

Now he wants to turn around and say that you’ve been fucking slacking?

“You see what I mean,” Namjoon states calmly, though there’s something wavering in his eyes that doesn’t quite match the rest of his confident demeanor. He tries to meet your gaze, tries to get you to look at him, but you refuse, twisting your head away from him before you get yourself charged with murder on top of everything else.

Maybe it would be best for you to get fired. You’d rather live on the streets than be treated like this. Tears prick at your eyes but you blink them away. You refuse to cry in front of him. You won’t give him any more ammunition to use against you.

Yeji looks between you and Namjoon, her lips forming a thin line. “Kim Namjoon,” she addresses him, her voice cold. “Do you wish for my client to remain in this house?”

Namjoon seems surprised at the question, his eyebrows lifting. “Yes, of course.”

“Then, I think a recess is in order.” She stands up and brushes off some invisible lint from her skirt.

You stand up to join her, but she holds out a hand. “No. You two need to talk this out,” she says to you, then looks to Namjoon, staring him down. “I suggest you remember why we’re here, Mr. Kim.” After a moment of silence, she walks to the door. “I’ll be back in ten.”

With that, Yeji exits, and the two of you are left alone.

You cross your arms protectively around yourself, adamantly refusing to look at him. The silence stretches between you.

“Sweetheart-” he starts, but you interrupt him.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” you seethe. Proprieties be damned, you’ve had enough. “Don’t ‘sweetheart’ me, you fucking asshole. I have given everything for you and your members, okay? Don’t you fucking dare sit there and tell lies about me, to my face!” You shout, trying to keep your voice from shaking. You know if you keep talking your rage will melt into tears, and you cannot afford to cry in front of him. You simply won’t allow it.

“I know, I know,” Namjoon’s assurance overlaps the end of your sentence. He sighs. Waits a beat.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah! You’d better be.” You still don’t meet his eyes, the betrayal and confusion is just too much. On top of all that, you’ve never lashed out in anger at any of them like this. You still don’t regret shouting at him, but your heart is threatening to beat out of your chest in fear of repercussions. Did you make the situation worse? Is that even possible at this point?

“Look.” His voice is tentative, a little afraid. “I really am sorry, I didn’t mean any of that.”

“Then why the fuck did you say it?” You counter sharply.

“Because!” Now it’s his turn to shout, though he seems to regain himself much more quickly than you. “Because... I don’t know if that woman can be trusted,” he reiterates quietly, as if afraid she might hear him through the door.

Wait, what?

“Yeji?” You squint in utter disbelief. “Of course she can be trusted, what the fuck are you-”

“Not with this.” He sighs again, rakes a hand through his hair. “Listen, you have to trust me.”

You bark a laugh. “Trust you?”

He shakes his head, stopping your objections before you can list them. “This is serious. This is… bigger than either of us.”

His voice is the only thing that gives you pause. Just for a moment. He sounds… desperate. Scared.

You slowly look over to him, and his expression confirms your suspicions. Namjoon is fearful about something, his eyes wide with worry, his hair mussed from being tugged between his fingers. He looks completely different from before, and it has you reluctantly curious.

“What do you mean?” You let him keep talking, though you’re still taking his words with a grain of salt.

“I was… working on something. A better arrangement,” He begins, his eyes reaching out to you, then darting nervously around the room, as if he’s letting you in on his greatest secrets. “But I stumbled onto something bigger. I just… I need you to take some time off for right now, and I need you to trust me that it’s for the best.”

You level your gaze at him, silently weighing your options. He’s being awfully vague.

“What does my time off have to do with anything?” You ask, your suspicion coloring your tone.

“It’s necessary to test my theory properly. If I’m right, then...” He trails off, and you garner that his success would bring about something monumental.

You stare at him. You want to take his words as truth, but he completely undermined you in front of your handler. You can’t let him off the hook so easily. “How can I believe anything you say anymore? You just blew any trust I had in you.”

“I know,” he says, hanging his head. He chews on his lip, then takes a deep breath. “That’s why I’m willing to offer some… collateral.”

He reaches into his pocket and withdraws something small and shiny. “This.” He holds out the object to you, dangling from a short metal chain. “It’s the key to my studio.” His gaze bores into yours as you tentatively reach forward to take it. “The only key,” he adds gravely.

You examine the silver peace offering, and your eyes widen at the implications of such a gesture. His whole life is in that studio. All of his art, his collections, not to mention his computer. His music. His career.

It’s all sitting in the palm of your hand.

He reaches across the table and closes your hand around the key. “You can keep it until I’ve earned your trust again. Okay?” He gives you a brief, dimpled smile, as if to assure you, though sadness and worry still swim behind his eyes.

“Now, sweetheart. Please. I beg of you.” He takes your hand in both of his own, his worried eyes imploring you to trust him. “Please, will you take this vacation?”

#bts #bts smut #bts x reader smut #bts ot7 smut #bts smut fic #bts x reader #bts fanfiction #bts ot7 #bts fanfic #bts ot7 x reader #bts fic rec #namjoon x reader #jimin x reader #taehyung x reader #thank you all for enjoying physcom! <3

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istheresomebodywhocanimagine · 4 years

Text

Everybody Knows (SMUT)

tabseus said: Hi :) First of all, I really enjoy reading your fics! Could you maybe write one with ben hardy x reader where they are a couple and have some kind of fight because Ben overheard reader talking with her girls about hers and Ben‘s sex life. Although all the reader is saying is really positive, Ben does not want them to know about it. Could end with smut maybe :)? (a/n: holy SHIT this only took me 5 years. this is the NYM spinoff piece, where it can be read as a separate piece, but I’d really advise you go back and read NYM if you haven’t!!! i’ll link the previous parts below. this baby is almost 11k, so don’t think you’re in for some light reading rn hehe. get ready for angsty ben and eventual makeup smut bc we all love a good makeup smut)

NYM Part 1 | NYM Part 2 | NYM Part 3 | NYM Part 4

"Yeah, breaker one-nine, this here's the Rubber Duck, you got a copy on me? Over."

"The fact that you have the Convoy theme song memorized so clearly is both impressive and troubling," you teased, letting go of the push-to-talk button and waiting for Joe's response as you sat the walkie talkie down on your counter, reaching up above your head to try and retrieve the bag of white cheddar popcorn. You'd stuffed it in the top of the cabinet after grocery shopping this morning, telling yourself you'd save it for a rainy day and not snack on it all the time. Alas, your attempt to put it out-of-sight, out-of-mind had lasted less than 12 hours before you were scrambling to pull the bag down and devour it all in one go - Joe had just gotten back from an extended filming period and after napping the day away, he convinced you to come over and get fucked up on some shitty liquor while catching him up on the latest NYC happenings. The white cheddar popcorn craving had happened after the fact, as you were coming down from your brief buzz already - the liquor was shitty enough to keep you from drinking much, while Joe was more than happy to pick up your slack. The walkie talkie remained silent, and you furrowed your eyebrows, pausing in your embarrassing struggle for the popcorn to snatch up the small black receiver and press the PTT button again. "Joey? You alive?" More radio silence, then finally a crackling and a slurred response. "You didn't say over. Over."

Staring ahead at the cabinet for a moment, you slowly closed your eyes and started laughing, shaking your head. "You're a fucking dumbass. Over."

"Well, someone's a bitch. Over." "Who is he calling a bitch?" Ben's quiet, gravelly voice suddenly appeared behind you, and you startled a bit as you whirled around to find a very heavy-lidded, scruffy-looking Ben standing there. If you didn't know any better, you'd say he was just sleepy - but he'd also been over at Joe's getting white-girl wasted, and the rosiness of his cheeks betrayed that very fact as he shuffled forward, wrapping his arms around your waist and enveloping you in a warm hug that trapped you between the counter and him. "I thought you were still over there, I was just going to be a second," you murmured, running your hand over the back of his unruly blonde hair and smoothing it down before letting your hand come to rest on the nape of his neck. He shook his head, mumbling something incoherent as he pressed his face into your neck, nuzzling it gently and making you smile. Such a baby. Taking a deep breath, you let out a long exhale before pressing a soft, quick kiss to the side of his head and murmuring, "He was calling me a bitch." Humming in response, he blindly lifted a hand to reach for the walkie talkie, and when he'd clumsily stolen it from your grasp, he lifted his head just enough to speak into the receiver as he held the button down. His chin pressed into your shoulder as he talked, making you smile and turn to press a lingering kiss to his cheek. "Stop bullying my girlfriend or I'll come back over there and wallop you." "You didn't say over either," Joe pointed out snarkily, and you rolled your eyes as Ben chuckled softly and resumed burying his face in your neck, sitting the walkie talkie down. Returning his hand to your back, his thumb ran light circles across your skin just under the hem of your shirt, making a sharp thrill run through your body due to your still-mildly intoxicated state. As much as you wanted to stay there forever and mooch off of Ben's body heat, you remembered the white cheddar popcorn calling your name - so with some difficulty, you managed to start peeling Ben's arms off of you, giggling knowingly when he let out an unhappy groan. "Go back over there. I'll be back in a minute." Pulling away slowly, he didn't look too pleased and grumbled to himself as he shuffled off to Joe's again with his phone charger now in hand.

“Love you!” you called after him, which he reciprocated only after shooting you a playful glare over his shoulder. Grinning, you watched as he stepped out onto the balcony and blew you a kiss before flipping you off and disappearing around the corner with the smile.

It took climbing on the counter for you to reach the bag of popcorn in the cabinet, but you managed to get it down and not sprain your ankle getting off the counter, so you took a minute to participate in a victory dance that would have surely been mocked if you were over on the other side of that wall separating you and the boys. A pleased smile played at your lips as you pranced back over to Joe's, only tripping once or twice. Losing your balance? That was another story. You almost biffed it when you rounded Ben's couch, over-calculating the turn and nearly ending up on your ass. Of course, even sober, you were still just getting used to Ben's couch being there instead of yours. His was nice, a grey microfiber sectional - "For the dog," he'd insisted, even though you told him time and time again that it wasn't a pet-friendly apartment and you didn't have a dog. But he'd brought it anyways, and it had replaced your poor, flaky pleather excuses for furniture. In fact, there were a lot of touches of Ben in this apartment now that he'd moved in. It had been a year since you started seeing each other, and around month ten of Ben constantly being over at your or Joe's place (as in, every moment he wasn't filming), his lease was about up and he was apartment hunting again. Then it hit you - why was he going to get another place if he was just staying at yours all the time? You'd felt so blind, you were almost reluctant to bring it up to Ben in fear that his response might be along the lines of 'took you long enough' - but you had conveniently forgotten that Ben was an even more oblivious dumbass than you were. Instead of a condescending 'oh, you finally put two and two together?', Ben had looked at you, very obviously shocked, then laughed and kissed your head repeatedly between mumblings about you being 'so smart' and 'such a catch.' Humming to yourself, you pulled open the bag of popcorn just as you crossed the threshold into Joe's living room. Ben was sleeping away on the couch while Joe looked one step away from dead, his eyes glossed over as he stared up at an episode of Big Mouth he'd probably seen no less than 5 times already. The dab pen perched neatly on the end table between the two of them said all you needed to know, and you narrowed your eyes a bit as you chomped on the popcorn, Joe slowly turning his bloodshot gaze in your direction and smiling placidly as you spoke. "Wow. You look fucking stoned, dude." "Welcome back.... I see you've decided not to share your snacks with us. Bitch." "I told you to stop calling her a bitch." Ben's voice was muffled - he barely gave the effort to even move his mouth enough to speak clearly, his face squished up against the couch and eyes not even opening an inch as he reached out in your general direction weakly. His fingers did the grabby thing that made your heart do flips as you padded over to the couch, Ben sitting up just long enough for you to get yourself comfortable on the end of the couch, and then his head was plopping down on your lap again. You felt his cheek press a little harder against your thigh as he readjusted so he was comfortable, and then he was back to practically comatose. Sitting your bag of popcorn to the side, you used one hand to keep feeding yourself while the other ran through Ben's hair repeatedly, his breathing slowing down until he was fast asleep. Joe kept quiet, only snickering at crass Big Mouth jokes occasionally and never letting his eyes leave the screen. It was a serene night, an oddly quiet one shared between the three of you - usually, at least two of you were yelling, so the absence of noise was relaxing. As much as you hated to break it, you had to, because the pen between you and Joe was making you curious. Multiple questions were dancing around your tongue like they were on hot coals, urged out by the slowly-dwindling buzz making your head spin a bit as you reached out for the pen. "Did you suddenly come down with some shit that requires the healing effects of THC?" Picking it up, you rolled it around in your hand for a second before sitting it back down. "Shit looks fancy." "Fancy? And I got it from Tori," Joe answered without looking away from the screen, his jaw still a little slack as he struggled to focus on you and the show. "She went out-of-state for some fancy art curator shit and came back with it. Knocks you on your ass, it does." "Okay, Yoda," you laughed, Joe rolling his eyes back in his head and trying not to smile before scoffing. "Can't you buy them in the city anyway? "Yeah, but can you buy the stuff for it in the city?" he retorted. He had you there, and you gave him a grin and a shrug before he rolled his eyes and continued. "Are you even old enough to be making Star Wars references, kid?" "Oh, shut up," you dismissed, not wanting to get in a fight with cross-faded Joe. Rolling your eyes when he mocked you quietly, you decided to reroute the conversation again. "So when are you just gonna bite the bullet and make it official with your favorite art curator? You were all about preaching just doing it to Ben and I last year, where's that energy now?" "Where's that energy now?" he mimicked, clearly at a loss for comebacks, and you snorted at his childishness, but a lengthy sigh from him made you think it was less of a 'fuck you' and more of an aversion. The question seemed to trouble him, and he was deathly quiet for a minute before speaking. "This may just be high me speaking, but I think I'm in a rut right now and she doesn't even know it. So I don't want to trap her if it's not going to work out... in all aspects." "Uh oh, has erectile dysfunction finally set in? I heard that when you get ancient, things like that happen." Joe's clear annoyance couldn't stifle your laughter as soon as you finished your sentence, but he waited for you quiet down a bit before he spoke over you. "If I didn't feel like I was melted into this chair like the wax dripping off of a fine soy candle right now, I'd come over there with a fifty-five-gallon drum of ass-whooping and pour it all over you." "Jesus, it was a joke!" you laughed, tossing one of his smaller decorative pillows at him playfully and bursting into another round of laughter when he threw it back at you harder, acting like he wasn't in the mood for your games even though the smile plastered on his face said otherwise. "I'm sorry, buddy, I'll be nice now. Why do you think you're in a rut?" "I just... I don't think I'm doing it for her, you know?" he sighed, his fingers curling up on the armrests as he seemed to melt even more into the chair. Then, an amused giggle escaped him, almost like clockwork, and he grinned in spite of his words. "Like she seems into it, but my brain keeps telling me that every time we're having sex that she's wishing she was hooking up with someone a lot... younger. And adventurous. Like a young Steve Irwin. Mister Danger." Though Joe wasn't too shy about his sex life, you were still shocked to hear him being so open about such a vulnerable part of it - usually, your conversations about your respective sex lives were just complaints and laments. So, it warmed your heart to hear that Joe was concerned about his end of the game - as much as your friend's sex life through Steve Irwin metaphors could warm your heart, of course. Looking down at Ben, you smiled a bit and brushed a stray hair back from his face, his nose twitching a bit and lips smacking together lazily. For a moment, you thought he was awake, but his breathing showed no signs of speeding up, so you wrote it off as sleepy twitches and looked back up at Joe, still running your fingers through Ben's hair soothingly. "As much as I hate hearing you use Steve Irwin as a sexual comparison to yourself... why did you start thinking that?" "Well, the other day, she brought up the fact that we're both Virgos. At first, I thought that she called us both virgins, and I laughed, but... not the same thing," he admitted in a small voice, but you didn't even attempt to muffle your amused giggles, much to his chagrin. Sighing and burying his face in his hands for a second, Joe let out a long groan before shaking his head and dropping his hands to his lap again. "And I don't completely know what it has to do with our sex lives at all, but she mentioned our compatibility in passing and I just... I feel bad. She was reading something about how Virgo women like to communicate how they're feeling, and I really don't think we're communicating like we should be. Or maybe I'm just overthinking it. Which she also said-" "Yeah, that's a Virgo thing. She's right," you cut in, already knowing what he was going to say, and he narrowed his eyes a bit before huffing at the fact you were apparently siding with Tori. "Virgos are supposed to be so good at communicating! What's the hold-up, Mister 'Talk to Ben or I'm gonna go nuts"? You were all about talking it out last year." "I don't know, I think my mind's just fucking dumb and manic- wait no, not manicure. Manuscript? Jesus Christ, what's the word? Mani-man.... Manifested! Manifested. My mind manifested this block on its own. Do you ever do that? Like, just worry that you're just not doing enough and they're too scared or too pissed off to say anything about it? But then you're too scared to say anything because talking about... your sex life makes you nervous as shit? Because what if she doesn't actually want to talk about it?" Nodding along as he spoke, you considered your life in the bedroom with Ben. Did you have that concern? It was a valid question, one that made your face screw up in thought for a minute before you finally spoke, your fingers brushing Ben's hair back again. "Not really. Ben's pretty open about what works for him and what doesn't work for him, I think. Maybe we both are? I guess we just communicate more than I'm used to, but it really works in the long run." Joe stared deadpan at you, not seeming as if he understood a single word you said, and you raised an eyebrow in challenge. "What? Are you fucking deaf?" "No, I'm just... not sure I was prepared to hear about your sex life with Big Ben. It's so different when it's... well, him." Rolling your eyes, you prepared to stand up, already done with this conversation, but Joe was quick to raise his hands in surrender and stutter out an apology amidst delirious laughter. "No, no no, sit back down! I'm sorry- shit, I'm sorry, I just had to get that out. Keep going, I'm listening." "You need to talk to Tori," you replied matter-of-factly, and the familiar sentiment echoed in your brain, reminding you of a simpler time - a time when Ben was just Joe's dorky, fit friend who came around sometimes and made you laugh at how awkward he could be. Now, he was your boyfriend waking you up in the morning begging you to make almond flour pancakes with him just so he could cover his hand in flour and smack your ass to leave a handprint. At least you knew the 'talk to them' advice was effective. "I know it sounds hypocritical, but you need to ask her about what she's into and what she isn't into. That way you can know what gets her going and what you need to steer away from." "What, like missionary vs. cowgirl?" Joe asked incredulously, and you had to laugh at the naiveté of assuming that sex positions alone would be enough. Were you shocked that a straight cis man was saying this, though? Not really. (Ben was a surprising exception, and you were eternally grateful for it.) "Good god, she- oh my god, I'm sorry I'm laughing. I don't mean to be an asshole, it just happens," you giggled, moving your hand to Ben's back and rubbing relaxing circles into it when he twitched in his sleep again. "You're going to have to get real comfortable here because the only way I know how to explain this is to talk about blondie here." "Fuck, hold on," Joe grimaced, looking straight forward out of the balcony door for a second. His expressions incredibly exaggerated from how high he was at the moment, you could see every step in his process of compartmentalizing all the inner turmoil hearing about his friend's sex life was going to cause before finally nodding slowly, not losing the grimace. "Okay, go." "I think first you need to see if she likes to be in control. Like, dominate." "Um, I don't think so? No, she isn't the dominant one in bed," Joe observed, his words slow as he thought-extra hard, probably just to make sure he was right and not just so high he was imagining things. "But I guess I don't know for sure. What do you mean?" "So like, when Ben and I have sex, I'm the dom-" "Hold on!" Joe interrupted, pretending to gag as he lurched forward dramatically, hamming it up while you watched in unamused silence. When he'd finished his dramatics, he waved for you to continue. "Alright, got that out of my system. You're the dominant one?" "Yeah?" you drawled out slowly, unsure how that wasn't the most obvious thing in the world right now. Ben's face was smooshed up against your thigh, his lips slightly parted as his shallow breathing continued. He was unnervingly beautiful like this, a sweet little soft boy aura to him that always carried over into the bedroom very smoothly - his suave, strong-armed facade hardly held up behind closed doors. Smiling a bit in awe of how precious he looked undisturbed, you stopped rubbing his back and reached for your phone, pulling up Chrome. In the meantime, Joe had narrowed his eyes, still dubious and harboring doubts over whether you were just bullshitting him right now or not. "What's not clicking? Are you forgetting that I literally had to make the first move?" "Yeah, but I figured it was just because he was being shy... like, how does he not dominate when he could easily sit on you and suffocate you with his muscles?" Joe flexed for emphasis, but it did little to drive his point home as you were already laughing at his blissful ignorance, pausing in clicking on a Google link about Virgos and compatibility. In the midst of your fit of laughter, though, he gasped and let out a strangled shriek as he sat up a bit. "Does that mean you peg him?" "No!" You almost choked on the ensuing laughter, feeling like your face was red hot from the exertion of trying to catch your breath, and Joe let out an audible, very exaggerated sigh of relief as he sunk back into the chair. "Why would you even ask that if you knew you wouldn't like the other answer?" "Just.... if you ever peg him, don't tell me. Please," he begged, and with a laugh, you agreed. "Promise. Although I can't promise you I won't suffocate him when I sit on his f-" "Stop! It's gone too far!" Joe shrieked, trying to stand up, but he came to the realization that he was rooted in his place. His eyes widened with absolute fear that his limbs were essentially jello from the concentrated THC ravaging his nervous system at the moment, and you almost couldn't contain your delight as you stifled laugh after laugh. "Oh my God. Oh my Godddd. Fuck. This is my worst nightmare. I'm stuck here listening to you talk about pegging my poor friend." "I'm not pegging Ben, dude!" you refuted, giggling incredulously and pressing your hands to your face in mild exasperation. "I've already told you that. I just... I don't get crazy, but you know, take charge! I subtly control the situation. He's totally a bitch when it comes down to it... and I love it so much! It's not a bad thing." Joe groaned as he sunk deeper into the chair, looking like he wished it would swallow him whole before he reluctantly continued. "So I need to figure out what dynamics she likes." "Yeah, that's the word!" you cheered, feeling Ben stir on your lap a little, and you wondered if Joe's mini-heart attack had awoken him. "Start with that, and then work from there. This website says 'The Virgo male-Virgo female compatibility will include a great love life, if and only if, there is no gap in their communication aspect.'" Pursing your lips, you paused before reading down a little bit and continuing to read out loud. "The Virgo couple has to make sure that they, do not overthink about their problems, are more relaxed, and that they communicate their problems by sharing and accepting each other the way they are.' See? It all comes a lot easier- sex comes a lot easier when you can communicate and be honest about what tickles your fancy." "Please stop talking about tickling anything." Joe's pleading tone was worth a laugh, but you held it back for his sake as you shook your head and grinned widely. "I'll talk to her," he finally resigned, and you felt vindication as you brushed a hand back over Ben's hair, hearing him let out a quiet, happy noise at the feeling. "Damn, this must have been what you felt like when he and I finally got over ourselves last year," you noted, and Joe, though he clearly hated every second of it, nodded slowly. Looking down, you caught Ben just in time to see his eyes open blearily, the glaze over them still evident as he turned on his back to look up at you, blinking slowly. "Hello, Sleeping Beauty." "Hi," he croaked, his voice still gravelly as he offered a smile, and you smiled back before patting his cheek gently, lifting your thigh a bit to coax him into getting up. After stretching a bit, he obliged, sitting up and steadying himself on the back of the couch while you stood up and reached out a hand for him. Helping him to his feet, you let him start shuffling back to your apartment while you turned to give Joe a pointed look. "You better talk to her." "I will!" he whined, crossing his arms grumpily and mumbling a snarky goodbye before letting you usher Ben back to bed, where he passed out quickly, curled up against your side with his head resting on your chest and arm draped across your tummy. A blissful, serene smile was plastered onto his features on into the late morning, where you woke up to find neither of you had moved, and apparently, neither had Joe, according to the texts he'd sent you about an hour ago. jmuzzie: I can't fucking get up from this chair jmuzzie: All I can think about is you pegging Ben jmuzzie: I barely slept. Grinning and shaking your head, you decided to ignore the texts and leave them on your home screen to worry about later, carefully detaching yourself from Ben and crawling out of bed. He grabbed your pillow to snuggle instead, wrapping it up in a tight embrace while you tiptoed to the kitchen to make a quick breakfast - bacon, scrambled eggs, and some coffee to wake up what was sure to be a very sore Ben (which he very much was). You heard a groan from down the hallway just as you were finishing up the scrambled eggs, and after hearing the bathroom sink faucet run for a moment, Ben appeared in the doorway, his hair sticking up in odd places and clothes frumpy from being slept in. Cooing sympathetically, you put together a plate for him as he somehow managed to pour himself a coffee and sluggishly climb onto a stool at the counter. While you made his plate, he stared off into space, not even giving a simple hello as he seemed to try and will himself to wake up, his cheeks still a bit splotchy and feverish from waking up - he always ran hot, especially during the night. "There you go, princess," you teased, Ben only groaning in thanks when the plate clattered down to the counter in front of him. The noise made him wince, so you decided to keep the conversation minimal while you both finished your breakfast, and you could tell he was already getting sleepy again from the methodical, slow pace he was taking to rinse the dishes off in the sink. "I think I'm just going to stand in the shower for a tick and question my life choices," he finally mumbled once he was wiping his hands off on the dishtowel next to the sink, and with a quick kiss to your cheek, he was off to the bathroom. As he trudged back down the hallway, you elected to pour another cup of coffee to take next door. "Joe said he was up, I'll go check on him real quick. You were both blitzed by bedtime, so I'm sure he's hurting too." Ben answered with an almost inaudible grunt, and you rolled your eyes with a small grin before shifting the mug to your opposite hand and shuffling over to your neighbor's apartment, where you found Joe in the kitchen, apparently over his dramatics from an hour ago. The sliding door squeaked a bit as you shut it behind you, and Joe looked up slowly, his red-rimmed eyes narrowing and lip curling up ever-so-slightly when his eyes adjusted enough to recognize you. "Oh, it's the pegger-" "You really are the worst," you immediately laughed, crossing the living room and holding out the mug of coffee, which he accepted with a grateful noise and sipped in silence while you made yourself at home on his bar stools. "Feeling 10 out of 10 this morning?" "Out of 10? I feel like a Mexican 1." Furrowing your eyebrows, you opened your mouth to question whether that was vaguely racist, but he continued before you could confuse the situation even further. "Because a peso is worth less than a dollar, duh?" "The joke isn't funny if you have to explain it, dumbass." You let out a single, pitying laugh at his poor attempt at humor, though, and reached for your phone only to find that you'd left it over at the apartment. "Shit. Must have left my phone back over there." "I'll text Ben," he sighed melodramatically, pulling out his phone and typing away while you propped your head up on your hand. "He said he's on his way because 'the water won't warm up fast enough.'" When he finally locked his phone and set it back on the counter, you looked at it for a moment before giving him a pointed look, deliberately switching your gaze between him and the phone a few times before he scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Do you have something to say, or are you tweaking right now?... Does your eye have a really bad twitch?" "Sooooo," you drawled out, tilting your head a bit more and shimmying your shoulders playfully before wiggling your eyebrows a bit. He didn't seem to get the hint or want to get the hint, and you let out a huff of annoyance as the skin around his childlike hazel eyes crinkled, taunting you. "Have you talked to her yet?" "At 9 in the morning? Yeah, let me just call her." Picking up his phone, he mimed typing in her number sloppily before raising the phone to his ear, putting on a moronic expression as he did so. "Hey, babe. Yeah, I know it's 9 am, but I was wondering if you want to tie me up and spank me because I've been a naughty little-" "Okay, enough, enough!" you laughed, holding out your hands to shield yourself from the invisible antagonism that practically radiated off of him at this point. "I get it. I was just curious, dickwad." Scoffing again, he gave you an irritatingly condescending look before he reached forward and grabbed the water bottle he'd been most likely nursing since last night, which you assumed from the way a foggy sort of condensation had built up on the inside of the bottle. It went away as he swirled the bottle a bit, then he took the cap off and reluctantly took a swig, wincing at the stale, lukewarm water that he forced himself to swallow. "Ew. How can they say that drinking warm water is better for your health? I think these doctors are a bunch of fucking quacks." "They probably know a lot more than you do, dummy," you answered in a deadpan, looking around for a moment and furrowing your eyebrows. Ben wasn't there yet, and you wondered what was taking him so long. "He said he was on his way, right?" you asked, and Joe nodded, seemingly unbothered as he carefully examined the bottle he'd just taken a drink out of, his left hand toying with the cap of it absentmindedly and flipping it between his fingers. "Do you think that I could make a bottle flip if I got some practice? I've seen those videos of all the kids doing it from a couple years ago, and I kind of want some good throwback Instagram content." "Joe, you could literally just post a picture with Ben standing in your general vicinity and your Instagram base would lose its fucking marbles." Frowning, you climbed off the bar stool as Joe grunted noncommittally in response, apparently already on one track as he picked up the bottle and weighed his options. As you turned, you heard him let out a strangled cry that barely even registered as you tilted your head a bit, wondering where in the hell your boyfriend was. Had he fallen back asleep? Was he choking on his vomit like that scene from Breaking Bad where Walter watched Jesse's girlfriend die because she apparently had to? Wait, why the fuck would he be throwing up from a weed hangover? "I forgot it was open! Oh my god, oh my god, where's the god damn dish towels?" Joe panicked, and you looked back to see the bottle from before laying sideways on the counter, but your mind was too much of a mess to make sense of why there was a medium-sized puddle of water surrounding it and dripping down to the tiled floor. Joe scrambled around like a chicken with its head cut off and in his panic, you didn't even have to ask - he blurted it out anyway. "I fucking try to do a bottle flip once and this is what I get!"

"Um, Joe, you have fun with that, buddy," you hummed nervously, worry setting in as you decided you'd come back for the mug later - not that he'd give it back anyway, but you'd try. Joe was too busy cleaning up his mistake to pay attention to you already being halfway out the door, hurrying over just to find Ben sitting on the bar stool with his back to you, sipping coffee and appearing to be fine. Letting out a sigh of relief, you padded back into the kitchen where you picked up the now mostly empty kettle of coffee, feeling Ben's eyes on you as you poured yourself another mug. It was quiet, still like last night, but there was an eerie quality to this silence that made a nearly-paralyzing chill trickle down your spine as you poured the last tiny bit of the coffee down the drain, starting to rinse it out. Ben made no attempt to speak even when you peeked over at him to see him very calmly watching you. He wasn't smiling, though, and there was a distant look in his eyes that you recognized immediately. He wasn't daydreaming, no sir. Something had pissed him off royally - you'd seen this look before on rare occasions, and angry Ben was never a treat. He was a true Capricorn if you'd ever seen one, a calculated son of a bitch who could build up a wall within seconds and take days to bring it back down. If you called him out on one single minute flaw in his argument, he'd also obsess over it for hours, either bricking himself in and giving you the silent treatment or snapping immediately and trading in his cool rationale to show you a temper to be reckoned with; a force you'd never seen before. He was never violent - far from it, actually, but if you stirred the sleeping dragon, you were in for one hell of an argument. There was never an argument you hadn't worked through, though, and you weren't about to lose that streak today. So, you turned around and leaned your hip against the counter, crossing your arms as you took a sip of the coffee. "What's up? Joe said you were on your way, what gives?" Ben nodded, sitting down his mug and licking his lips before pressing them together and shrugging. "Changed my mind." "What changed your mind?" you prodded, his body language telling you everything he wasn't saying as he crossed his arms in front of him and leaned over the counter, his shoulders hunching up a bit after he shrugged again. "Ben, come on, don't do this. What's bothering you? I'm not fucking dumb, you know, you're clearly upset about something." "I never said you were dumb," he responded, and the calm, unwavering tone of voice infuriated you so much you lost your taste for the coffee, sitting your mug down on the counter as well and crossing your arms again. "So are you just going to avoid my question? I really want to know what's upsetting you, bubs, I can't just sit here and guess until you say 'Oh, you got it! Clever girl.' You're acting like I microwaved your tea water, for Christ’s sake!" Ben scoffed, tracing a fingertip around the rim of his mug and shaking his head a bit as you heard the muffled sound of Joe's TV turning on just on the other side of the wall. Your phone vibrated from the counter next to Ben, but you couldn't bring yourself to walk over and go grab it as Ben's annoyingly nonchalant nature perplexed you. "Why do I have to be upset? Can't I just drink coffee in silence with my girlfriend?" "Ben, I live with you, I know your 'looks' like the back of my hand. Can we please just talk about this?" "Talk about what?" Tapping the screen of your phone, which had just locked automatically again, his eyes scanned through the notifications for a second before he smiled sardonically. "Ah, there it is. Yeah, let's talk about it. I get a text from Joe saying you forgot your phone, so I go to grab it and I get to see these beauties. 'I can't fucking get up from this chair, all I can think about is you pegging Ben, I barely slept.'" Leaning forward on his arms again, he gave you a bitter smile and propped his elbow up on the counter, resting his chin in his hand. "Fascinating stuff, really. Apparently, my girlfriend's pegged me and I wasn't even aware of it, and then she's gone and bragged about it to our best friend." Laughing in disbelief, you tilted your head to the side and gave him an incredulous look. "Are you serious right now? You're just going to take that out of context and not even think for a second, 'Hey, maybe there's an explanation to why Joe's-" "Why have you told Joe that you pegged me? You think it's funny? Where do you get off?" "Excuse me?" you choked out incredulously, baffled that he'd even assume that you got a laugh out of this wildly-exaggerated situation as you crossed your arms around yourself, feeling unbearably small underneath his gaze. He was slowly simmering, a single vein in his forehead just barely protruding from the taut reddish skin on his forehead. But there was such a level-headed manner to him it drove you nuts, making you huff softly and press the heels of your hands into your eyes, then shake your head a few more times. "I can't believe this is happening right now, this is ridiculous." "That's fucking rich, considering I'm the one who 'got pegged' and joked about in this situation." Ben's voice was venomous, even, and you shivered again at how easily he spit it back at you, unafraid of whatever he'd say next. "You like telling our friends that I take it in the arse? That really make you laugh, huh? Why are you lying to Joe about our sex life, which is supposed to be private-" "Oh, don't fucking start with me about private sex lives!" you quickly retorted, cutting him off mid-sentence in an impulsive moment of rage. "I've heard you drunk and blabbering on to your fucking 'mates' back in London over the phone about us, don't even start with me!" Oh. You'd done it now - calling him out on something insignificant was one thing, but accusing him of blatant hypocrisy? You could practically see the steam shooting out of his ears. Something flashed in his eyes, and then he rocketed out of the stool he'd just previously been seated so still on. You followed him as he stormed down the hallway - he yelled over his shoulder as he went. "At least I don't tell my mates that I make you take it in the arse, yeah? Fuck you, Y/N. It's bloody different, especially when it's Joe and you've lied to him about something personal!" "Will you just let me explain?" you called after him, exasperated and ready to pull your hair out as he threw open the door to the bedroom, stalking over to the bed before starting to pace in front of it. He looked caged as he walked back and forth, both of his hands running back through his hair in obvious frustration before he finally let out a loud groan and sat back on the bed, looking at you and trying to mask the anger he clearly felt right now with a forced apathetic expression. "Okay, go on. I'm dying to hear how you'll talk your way out of this one." Recoiling a bit at how unwilling he was to even hear your side of the story, you felt tears welling up in your eyes a bit but you blinked them away, refusing to let him win with such a biting comeback. "Seems like whatever I say, you're not going to care anyways. Is this even worth my time, explaining it to you?" He didn't have a response, and that irritated you even more, making you choke up a bit as you continued. "You're like this every time, Ben, you fucking get this idea of what happened in your head and you refuse to even accept the idea that maybe my side of the story is as valid as yours." "What if I did do that?" He paused and let it sink in, as he was always the actor, and then he was on a roll again. "What if I accepted your side every time, and then you took advantage of that? I'm not a toy and I'm not here to be played with, or used for bragging rights when you're talking to your friends- our friends about our sex life, Y/N, I have feelings too! I'm allowed to feel this way too, and right now, I feel like you're just using me as a- fuck, I don’t know, a talking point or something!" As far as the validity of his feelings, he did have a point (as much as you hated to cede to that), but you still pressed your lips into a thin line and persisted, not letting the subject drop. "I'm not going to take advantage of you, Ben! Stop saying that! Not everyone is out to get you, especially not me, and I hate when you're like this, 'protecting yourself'. You think that by being mean to me, it will get your problems to go away so you can keep this wall between you and the issue, but I'm not going to let you shut me out again. You don't have to shut down every time something goes haywire, damn it!" "I'm not shutting you out or being mean to you!" he yelled back, but you only scoffed and crossed your arms in disbelief. "Then what are you doing?" Your question was warranted, and Ben found himself at a loss for words as he stared at you guardedly. The gears were turning in his head, and you could see from the confusion in his eyes that he was starting to question himself now. "I- I'm just tryin' to-" "To protect yourself, yeah, I get it!" you interrupted, Ben's jaw tightening as he snapped his mouth shut once again. The tension in his jaw remained unrelieved as you continued. "I get that you want to protect yourself, Ben, but you don't have to be so shitty to me for no reason when you do it! It's fucking mean and it hurts my feelings that you won't even let me explain myself!" That rendered him fully speechless, so you only let up for a moment before pressing one last time. "Can I explain now? Please." Dead silence hung in the air for a moment as the gravity of your words weighed heavy on both of you, Ben's teeth grinding together for a moment as he considered the accusations against him. "Fine," he muttered, yielding to you despite the conflict still going on behind closed doors in his mind. You could tell it was a raging dumpster fire in there as you approached the bed, tentatively, sitting next to him and wiping away the tears that had failed to escape from your eyes. Between awkward shifts and intermittent sniffles, you explained everything you'd talked to Joe about last night, from Joe's Virgo woes to his mistaken assumption about pegging, Ben, and you. By the end of your story, you'd tucked one leg underneath you and let the other dangle off of the edge of the bed, facing Ben with your hands in your lap despite the fact that they were itching to be running through his hair right now. You wanted desperately to comfort him, but there wasn't much to be done as you finally quieted to let him process all of this new information, his gaze trained on his legs which were just barely crossed over each other at the ankle, one foot shaking back and forth anxiously. It drove you mad as you hyper-focused on it too, so anxious to know what he was thinking that you nearly didn't register when he uncrossed them. Your head lifted as he stood up off the bed and walked over to the other side of the room quickly, your anxious feelings multiplying when his back stayed turned to you and he came to rest in front of the dresser. However, you vowed not to let it be known how utterly freaked out you were at the moment, so you scooted back on the bed and sat criss-cross as you brought his pillow into your lap, needing something of comfort to latch on to. It seemed like eons before he finally spoke, but it couldn't have been more than a few minutes, and his quiet, gentle words were like music to your ears. "So you didn't tell Joe you pegged me?" "No," you almost laughed in relief, though the situation certainly didn't call for it, and you could see his shoulders relax a bit, though his back stayed turned to you. "I actually told him I never had - multiple times, if I'm not wrong." "He was just joking?" he asked a bit louder, elaborating on his previous question, and you could feel the anxiety crumbling away as he turned to you with a genuinely relieved expression on his face. When you nodded, you could see an incredibly guilty look come over his face, and a little whine escaped your lips as you moved his pillow out of your lap and reached out for him. He gratefully obliged, climbing into bed with you, and you scooted over to make a bit more room as he practically laid on top of you, taking you down with him. "I'm such a dickhead, 'm sorry," was all he had to say, and that's all he had to do to make you start laughing before he began to pepper you with soft kisses anywhere he could. It was hard to breathe as he smothered you in wordless attention, and it took several tries for you to communicate that between breathless laughter and attempts to wriggle out from underneath him before he got the message. As he turned on his side and let you breathe again, you tried to make sense of what had just happened. So many questions swirled through your head. When had it clicked? Why were you letting this slide? Why was he so defensive about this? But no matter how long you stared at your boyfriend and tried to make sense of it all, it proved fruitless to try and pin down exactly where he had finally got off of his one-track madness. So, you just smiled and saved that deconstruction for later. Right now, you wanted to savor the fact that things had been worked out, and you watched as Ben took your hand so he could kiss your knuckles, offering one more wordless apology with his eyes. His lips sent another thrill down your spine and you marveled at the effect he had on you even when you were both sober and incredibly sleep-worn. Despite him making you incredibly mad at moments, it was so hard not to love this man and everything about him. His green eyes flickered with an apprehensive yet curious look when you smiled widely, squeezing his hand. “Love you, bubs.” A smile spread across his lips, and he kissed your knuckles once more before murmuring his response.

“Love you too. Thanks for calling me out on my shit.” Laughing, you played with his fingers and shook your head, debating your response for a minute. It was your job, after all, but sometimes it was hard, especially when he was a dick about it like today. But Ben seemed to read your mind, and he continued on, relieving you the responsibility of somehow starting another tiff. “I know I suck sometimes, but I’m glad you and Joe can be mean right back to me if I need it. It makes it a lot easier to see when I’m being a knobhead.”

"Speaking of Joe-” Ben groaned before you even got the second part of your sentence out, and you had to laugh at him before you continued. It was like he knew you were about to poke fun at him. “He did say something about being surprised that you haven't smothered me yet," you teased, and Ben reluctantly took the bait, lacing his fingers into yours as he quirked an eyebrow curiously. "Yeah, no, he said something like 'How is he not the dominant one when he could just suffocate you with those muscles?' I think he has a crush on your muscles." "First off, your Joe imitation is surprisingly poor for having lived next to him all these years," Ben joked right back, albeit in a soft voice. He seemed almost afraid of ticking you off at this point, but he had to roll his eyes when you gasped in mock offense. "Second of all, I'm not surprised that he wishes he could be this fit. And third off, I can be dominant, so I don't know what you were going on about with Joe." "Are you serious?" you laughed, and his attempt at looking dead serious only made you laugh harder as you hid your face behind the hand that was intertwined in his. "Oh, fuck, you're pulling my leg right now! You have to be, right?" The little noise of shock that he let out was genuine, and he moved your hand away from your face as he very obviously tried not to laugh at how hard you were laughing. "Why is it so hilarious? I can be dominant. I've been dominant with you loads of times." "Name one!" you choked out between fits of giggles, and he furrowed his eyebrows as he fell silent at the prompt. 5 seconds, 10 seconds, and then 20 seconds passed with no answer, which made you laugh even harder. "See?" "That doesn't mean that it can't happen!" he offered, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, but you were still too distracted coming down off of the end of your incredulous laughing fit, so he just whined and gently pressed his lips to your jaw. His kisses were soft and quick as he tried to get your full, undivided attention so he could plead his case, but all that did was make you giggle again, so he laughed with you before rolling on top of you again, one of his legs resting between yours as he continued to trail kisses down to your neck. His swollen bottom lip dragged over the skin as you snickered one more time, still amused at the thought of Ben genuinely thinking he wasn't the biggest baby when it came down to the wire, and you gave voice to your thoughts. He keened at the impression of your fingers running over his scalp and dragging through his hair, pausing in his kisses for just a moment when he finally heard you speak. "I hate to say it, but I have my doubts. Sue me." You felt a quick puff of air hit your neck as he audibly scoffed, and then he resumed his kisses without any more delay. And really, you had to say that these kisses paired with his roaming hand that had just came to rest on your thigh - it was beginning to do something for you, so you let him continue as you toyed with the hair at the nape of his neck. You could tell from the way his hips rolled against yours subtly that he was getting just as much from this as you were. When he finally pulled away just enough to look at you, for a second you saw Ben in his true form - all smiles and cosmetic charisma, but still just as rosy-cheeked and painfully unsuspecting as the day you'd met. And he thought he was going to come out the one on top? "As if," you murmured with a shit-eating grin, and then you pulled him into a kiss by the nape of his neck, his lips meeting yours with an eagerness only Ben could fail to contain. For a moment, he'd convinced himself that maybe he could be the one in control, but the way he submitted easily as you rolled on top of him, your thigh brushing up between his legs, said otherwise. You hand snuck up to his jaw, your thumb just casually resting on his chin and brushing over a hint of stubble - it was a subtle move, but nonetheless an effective reminder of who was in charge as it subconsciously prompted him to tilt his head forward eagerly and deepen the kiss. Reaching down with your free hand, you just barely brushed your fingers over the front of his shorts before cupping him through the admittedly-scratchy fabric. His breathing hitched, and then he let out what sounded like the sweetest whimper you'd ever heard as he grinded up against your touch, already desperate for friction and just as predictable as he ever was. Smiling widely against his lips, you broke the kiss and moved your hand away so it was resting just below his navel instead. He groaned unhappily against your lips at the loss, one of his hands finding your hip, and he murmured, "What? What?" as if he didn't want to think about how needy he'd been just moments ago. Letting out a soft laugh, you kissed him deeply once more and roped him right back in, moaning softly in unison with him when you straddled his hips and inadvertently grinded against his growing bulge, Though it wasn't unwelcome by any means, you bit down on the inside of your cheek as your instincts coaxed you into rolling your hips lazily - suddenly, you were struggling to silence every blazing reminder in your head that you were trying to show him that you loved to love him and wanted to treat him like he deserved, and if that meant dominating the fuck out of him, then so be it! But it was too hard to ignore the desire beginning to course through your veins and cloud your judgment - before you knew it, you weren't only chasing that satisfaction of proving your point. Taking his hand, you wordlessly moved it to the front of your pajama shorts and hummed in appreciation when he took the hint immediately, slipping his hand in between fabric and skin so he could rub circles into your clit. Moaning his name at the feeling, you could sense his pace quicken at bit at the positive reaction, and you rutted against his hand with a serene smile decorating your face. "Fuck, this never gets old," you murmured, Ben letting out a grunt of agreement, and your eyebrows furrowed in pleasure as he applied more pressure. Managing to pull your shirt off despite barely being able to focus on anything besides his fingers, you hummed in pleasure when you immediately felt Ben's mouth on your chest, kissing and sucking on every inch of skin he could reach. Meanwhile, he slid his fingers through your slick heat, eliciting quiet moans from both of you at how soaked you were. All of your touches and actions became more fervent as things intensified, kisses getting sloppier, hands roaming even further, and clothes coming off in rapid succession until you were completely naked and yanking Ben's shorts to his ankles as you relished in the fact that he'd conveniently forgotten to wear boxers or even compression shorts underneath. His cheeks were as flushed as ever, and he squirmed a bit impatiently, muscles shifting underneath his skin with each movement and making him look like a marble statue underneath the pale light filtering in from behind the curtains. Proving a point be damned, your boyfriend was hot - and he was very much putty in your hands. Kneeling between his legs, you started to reach out to help him, but he was already there before you could, his hand stroking his cock as he ogled your body and let out short, sharp breaths. When your eyes met his and you raised an eyebrow in question, his hand slowed down almost automatically, his cock twitching in his grasp. The pure lust in his eyes paired with the uneven rise and fall of his chest evoked a visceral reaction, one that made you nearly bite down on your tongue as you fought back the instinctive urge to inhale sharply. Fuck, he was pretty. "I couldn't help it," he admitted weakly, and the appreciation that flickered to life in your eyes only encouraged him as he offered a weak smile, getting himself off as you crawled back up to capture his lips in a quick kiss. Replacing his hand with yours, you continued to pleasure him slowly, each stroke setting off a tremble in his abdomen that betrayed everything you were doing to him despite how hard he was working not to moan into your mouth every other second. "You sound so pretty when you moan like that, baby," you cooed as you straddled his hips, starting to grind down on him again, and he let out a slightly broken noise of delight at your praise while his hands found purchase on your hips. "You like that?" "Yes, yes. Can't wait anymore. Need to fuck you, please," he begged in very obviously fragmented sentences. His head fell back against the pillows in a mixture of frustration and pleasure when you just grinned and traced a finger down the center of his chest, grinding down against him painfully slow. "Then fuck me." You felt a shiver run up your spine when Ben openly groaned, and you fought the urge to just keep rutting against him until one of you got off - as tempting as it was, you instead let him guide himself until the tip of his cock was pressing against your entrance. "Raw?" he asked incredulously as if he hadn't already done it multiple times before, and you nodded slowly as he began to groan and cover his face with his arm, his head sinking back into the pillow. "I'm going to fucking bust before I even get in," he lamented, muffled by his elbow, and you had to grin knowingly before you finally sank down onto him with a soft gasp, marveling as he filled you up slowly. Fuck, fuck, fuck, that was good. You weren’t sure if you’d said that out loud, but no matter how many times you slept together, it still felt like the first time every time you did it. He bottomed out with a loud groan as you rested your hands on his torso, pausing a moment to adjust. When you finally looked down, his eyes were screwed shut in a desperate attempt to keep himself away from the edge as long as he could. "Baby, look at me," you whispered, and he peeked open an eye only to squeeze it shut as soon as he opened it. Letting out a small huff, he began to curse under his breath until you quieted him with a gentle hum and a quick kiss. "I love you." "I love you so much," he choked out softly, his fingers digging into your hips as you started rolling them tentatively. Humming in euphoria, you finally began to ride him, and he helped as much as he could to guide your hips against his between sweet, yet sinful moans. The two of you moved in unison, pornographic sounds of skin on skin intertwining with mumbled curses and breathless moans. At some point you couldn't discern in the chaos, Ben had started to meet your efforts in the middle and began thrusting up into you with a wild abandon. If your upstairs or downstairs neighbors hadn't woke yet, they were sure to have by that point - it was no holds barred as you both neared your climaxes, and nothing was off the table at that point. "Oh fuck, fuck, fuck!" Ben gasped when you began to slow down and roll your hips more deliberately, his hips stuttering as he tried to stave off the inevitable. "Keep doing that, please, I'm so fucking close- Shit!" When you circled your hips a certain way, his cock brushed up against your walls at an angle that made your thighs nearly falter from the wave of pleasure it sent rolling through your body. Goosebumps broke out on your skin, and you cursed under your breath as you repeated the motion with a satisfied gasp. "You that close, baby? You want to cum in me?" you asked breathily, the rhetorical question hanging in the air while Ben's fingers dug into your hips as he tried to meet you halfway with sloppy thrusts, his abdomen trembling with the effort. He looked close to tears as you took one of his hands and moved it to your chest, murmuring some breathless command to play with your tits. Obliging eagerly, he watched with cloudy, lust-filled eyes as you reached down to rub your clit in rapid circles that matched your quickly-deteriorating pace. A fuzziness entered your vision as a combination of touch, sensation, and just the sight of Ben going slack-jawed in his efforts to consciously avoid a surely-close orgasm. "Just let go," you managed to moan out, and holy fuck, did he let out the prettiest sound. His voice cracked as he choked out something between a sob and a groan - it was a noise fit for a porn star, the feeling of him emptying inside of you only that much hotter coupled with the visual of his eyelids fluttering closed. So overwhelmed with sensations, he could barely form a coherent thought as he came. His breaths came out in gasps, hips pressing flush to you as he spilled inside you. It was a mess, a hot one, and the sound that it made as he pulled out with a whimper was downright filthy, but you were too caught up in chasing your own high to think about anything other than the way the last drops of his cum were painting his stomach, his cock twitching as it finally gave way to the last of his orgasm. "God- you're so fucking hot- I'm-" Ben was still struggling for complete sentences when you finally pressed hard on your clit and then you were coming, your head falling back in pure ecstasy as waves of relief crashed over you, cleansing your body of every curse word that came flying out of your mouth following your climax. Ben was there, and then his lips were on yours as you started to come down from the high, a messy kiss silencing any further sins you could have vocalized. His hands slid to your thighs again, and he didn't loosen his grip until you pulled away from the obscenely long kiss, both of you very out of breath and very content with what had just taken place. After a chorus of ragged breathing from the both of you, you let a sly grin peek at the corner of your lips before you rolled off of him, silently cursing the fact that you'd be washing these sheets ASAP so the cum dripping out of you wouldn't irreversibly stain the fabric. A few tissues you snatched from the nightstand temporarily alleviated the situation, buying you enough time to pad over to the bathroom and grab a towel for the both of you. You could barely catch your breath as you did so, and you wondered if you were getting out of shape recently - the brief thought of going to the gym with Ben more often passed by, and you huffed as you reluctantly considered it. When you returned and tossed the towel to Ben, who was still sprawled out on the bed and pushing a few stray hairs back out of his eyes, you had to smirk. "So what was that about you being dom-" You didn't even get the chance to finish your sentence before Ben was laughing out an answer, catching the towel as he sat up to clean himself off. "Fuck right off, you're just gloating at this point." "You're right," you teased, silently preening at your own sexual prowess as you cleaned yourself up and slipped on some old, oversized t-shirt, ignoring the sweat that gave your skin a light sheen. Looking over, you ogled shamelessly as he threw his legs over the edge of the bed, picking up a haphazard pair of shorts from the dirty laundry nearby. His muscles shifted underneath his skin with the effort, and you noted that he looked just as sweaty as you, causing you to let out an inward sigh of relief. Maybe you weren't as out of shape as you thought you were - the sex was just that good. "Such a show-off," he mumbled, but you could hear the smile in his voice as you looked at yourself in the mirror to fix your hair, and it brought a proud smile to your own face. When you finally crawled back into bed with him, he'd pulled some shorts back on and stripped the dirtied sheets off, leaving just the comforter underneath the two of you. Snuggling up together, he rested his head on your tummy and gave it a gentle kiss as you felt his eyelashes flutter closed, the feather-like sensation against your skin coaxing a quiet giggle out of you. "What's so funny?" he asked curiously, though his voice was barely above a mumble, clearly exhausted from the events of the morning. "Nothing," you answered honestly, running your hand back through his mussy, slightly-sweaty hair before grinning and back-tracking. "Actually, I was thinking about how fucking funny I was in the kitchen earlier. What would you do if I microwaved your tea water?" Ben groaned at the thought, and you dissolved into a fit of giggles as he buried his face into your stomach, shaking his head slightly at your clear amusement with yourself. As you laughed, you could feel a small huff against your skin, and then he grumbled in response. "You're sick, y'know. Truly sick." "I think someone's being a little dramatic," you teased, but Ben only scoffed once more before getting himself comfortable and dozing off into a peaceful mid-morning nap, the soothing warmth and methodical rise and fall of his chest eventually lulling you back to sleep as well. A final thought of 'God, I hope Joe had his TV loud enough' brought a mischievous smile to your face just before you were both out like a light. - taglist - @crosmopolitan @just-ladyme @rogerfxckingtaylor @fourmisfitz @shae-is-not-ok @moreinfinite @fruityfreddie @poachedhazontoast @strawberryfields-forever @imladrs @psychoticobsession @killer-queen-xo @rebelrebelyourefaceisamess @destiel-stucky4ever-loki-queen @brownhardyho @stardvstial @iminlovewith-rogers-car @benyeehawdy @mercurys-bike @mazzelloplots @beaaatle @sunshine112 @wonderless-screwup @rogers-sweatbands @whowaits4everanyway @sunflower-borhap-boys @bitemerog @jennyggggrrr @bensrhapsody @xiaoqueencava @discodeacygotmorerhythm @reedusteinrambles @extrovertedwallflower @the-next-one @nouvveau @storiesfrommirkwood @spunky-town @brianprobablywill @elizabwrites NYM taglist - @aridrowse @radiob-l-a-hblah @caborhapch @xtrabroll @myguardianmailman @ultrunning @onceuponadetectivedemigod @neckfruit @borhapbxtch @ixchel-9275 @mamaskillerqueen @queentrashcanfics @sam-mercurry-sixx @kimmietea @whenthe-smokeisinyoureyes @rogmeddows @deacyspatronusisacheesetoastie @woaholland @a-kind-of-magik @darling-egg @ramibaby @orchideax @jazzman-19 @bloomingbetty @hannafuckingsucks @theprettyfandom @the-run-n-gogh @omgitsearly @killerqueenunderpressure @imnotvibingveryguccimrstark @zyanmaik @wehavetofearignorance @itsryn @multisuperbananas @stephanie-everlasting @dancingstan @mercurycrowley @awkwardangelshezza @deadlyaffairs @ken-yee-not @crazylittlethingcalledobsession @loveandbeloved29 @devin-marie @lieblingsmenzch @standing-onthe-edge @annabananawastakenx2 message me/reply to this to be added to the permanent taglist! REQUESTS CLOSED. if your name is crossed out, i can’t find you/tag you!

#nym #ben hardy #ben hardy series #ben hardy imagine #borhap #borhap imagine #borhap smut #ben hardy smut #joe mazzello #ben hardy smut imagine #joe mazzello imagine #ben hardy x reader #ben hardy x reader smut #ben hardy smut fic #ben hardy fic #borhap fic #borhap smut fic

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sunflowerhae · 4 years

Text

Linger

Episode • 1/8

Mobile Masterlist •

♡ ☾ ✐

Authors note• bro this is so long I’m so sorry I’m breaking it into parts for u (I HATE MY LIFE)

Warnings• mentions of death, language

Songs• something - the Beatles/ With love, Vincent - Murray Gold/ she’s so lovely - beach house

•Na Jaemin remembers the exact moment he first laid his eyes on Y/N Y/L/N.

•He was standing by his locker on the first day of sophomore year

•laughing with Jeno and Haechan about their new math teacher

•when she walked past him with two other girls, smiling and holding some books in her arms.

•Jaemin will tell anyone that listens that this was the first time he felt the air knocked out of his lungs

•He remembers thinking that she was the most beautiful girl that he had ever seen.

•He didn’t know who she was; he had never seen her before (he would remember) (sike he’s stupid)

•yet he knew that he would marry that girl.

•he was worried bc he didn’t know who tF she was, but don’t worry bc the second time he ever saw her was maybe 6 minutes later

•he walked into his 4th period Honors English 10 class, and she was talking to the teacher across the classroom, before moving and sitting down in the first empty seat she saw.

•Jaemin didn’t know what to do

•his new mystery dream girl was in his class.

•Should he sit next to her?

•Should he just ignore her and talk to her later?

•what is gonna wear?

•is he gonna cry?

•Jaemin didn’t have much time to decide

• a mere 10 second delay was all it took for three boys (also on the football team with Jaemin) to enter the room and wrap their arms around his shoulder

•ushering him over to an empty table in the back while showcasing their excitement about being in the same class together.

•Jaemin tried not to show his disappointment, and instead gave one of his usual, dazzling smiles (ya know the one!) while joking along with them

•trying to forget about the mystery girl (and the excitement he got when he learned her name during roll call)

•It was then that Na Jaemin’s and Y/N Y/L/N’s rolls in their story were set in stone.

•He would be the popular boy that everyone knew, but didn’t really know

•and you would be the quiet girl that only a few, special people knew of, but those people were your closest friends.

•And over the course of the next two years, it would stay that way. •Jaemin, secretly pining for you

•and you, thinking the beautiful boy as untouchable.

•That would, however, change, on one god forsaken, cloudy Friday.

•A Friday that would forever be ingrained in Jaemins memory as the day he sealed his lonely fate in the world

•and the day he lost his true soulmate

•before he even talked to her.

•If Haechan’s persistent moaning and groaning about school wasn’t enough

•the weather was gloomy and cloudy

•and anyone with eyes could tell that rain was to be expected. •Jaemin, secretly, didn’t mind.

•Although he would never share it, he loved the rain.

•What he did mind, was his friends continuous bitching.

•”Hyuck, shut up,” -Renjun, 2020

•I mean he wasn’t even paying attention to the group, too preoccupied w his sketch book, sometimes glancing up at a girl that sat across the school yard, before looking back down at his sketch book (spoilers for something I’m writing??? Hehe you’ll never know hehe)

•all Jeno did was MenTion that rainy weather meant football practice would be cancelled

•hyucks smile was BaCk

•Jaemin was not impressed

•okay the conversation went something like this

“Damn Na, why are you looking at me like how my mom looks when my report card come in?” -full sun

•You literally insulted football to my face.” -nana

•haechan let out a loud laugh

•at Jaemin’s expense

•“you don’t know the ups and downs of High-school football” -nojam and injunnie

•also at Jaemins expense

•due to an ongoing joke that Jaemin reminded their friend group of the teenage redhead from riverdale

•Na Jaemin was so upset, he didn’t even eat his fries.

•”I wouldn’t care so much if I wasn’t the fucking captain of the team, hyuck. I mean, I gotta hold you responsible to a certain degree, you’re the fucking quarterback!” -Na Jaemin

•someone bully him

•so as that is happening, 2/3 of the missing members of their group come in HOT

•I mean literally

•they’re breathing heavily and everything

•acting like they just ran a mf marathon

•jisung YEETS his bag in the table (covering Renjuns sketchbook, which annoyed the fuck out of the older boy, but really who cares)

•”Guys guys guys! You will never guess who we just saw in the library!” -Mochi

•”lemme give it a try; mark?” -bitch ass Chinese bitch (renjun)

•”No! We saw Mar- wait what? How’d you know?” -child prodigy Zhong Chenle

•“Uhh, maybe because he texted in the group chat that he was gonna be in the library?” -nojam makin a comeback

•”Okay okay, but - can I have a fry? - did hew shay who hedt be wif?”

•”Swallow your fucking food first, le.” -smart boy you guess who

(Whew are y’all getting sensory overload like I AM)

•“He said, did he say who he’d be with, though? No, he didn’t, but guess who WE saw him with,” -jisung bringing the T E A.

•no one answers

•Chenle and jisung give each other the “we’re friends w dumbasses” look

•“Y/n! He was sitting with y/n!”

•oh shit

•Everyone quickly turned their heads to Jaemin

•tell me why this boy was glaring at the table like it messed w his daughter

•Out of everyone ever, the only people who knew about Jaemins secret crush was the 5 boys sitting with Jaemin

•and the one sitting in the library with said secret crush.

•They didn’t even really know, they just knew that they once saw Jaemin slip something like a note into Y/n’s locker junior year

•and Jaemin made up a bullshit excuse that it was something for class that no one

•-not even Jeno, who always trusted his friends -

•believed.

•”why aren’t you mad”

•”you should be angry”

•literally all of the present boys were THROWING it on jaemin

•and naturally -

•he deflected

•”bro I’m not even upset, I don’t like y/n!”

•lmao K

•now at this point

•the boys thought they were helping

•really

•it was innocent they promise.

•really how were they to know what was going to happen

•so hyuck had JOKED and said that if Jaemin didn’t like u, he wouldn’t mind hurting u

•it was super harmless

•unTil

•some other popular ppl walked over RIGHT as Haechan said that

•and he was like oh fuck

•but silently

•bc Haechan knew what Jaemin was like

•if it was just their lil group still, Jaemin would have told hyuck to fuck off

•but Jaemin was terrified to lose his reputation

•he was an insecure boy

•he would have really done anything to keep his position as most popular boy in school

•so when one of his jock friends dares Jaemin to get you to date him until prom, get ur virginity the night before, and then ditch u at prom and tell you it was all a dare in front of everyone and that he never liked you

•well

•he stupidly agrees

•the dreamies agree with it

•only bc they don’t actually think Jaemin will last

•they think he’ll back out last minute and stay w you

•and that Jaemin will finally get u

•wishful thinking

•you were failing math

•it’s not that you were stupid, you weren’t

•you just R E A L L Y hated math

•and your mom was so upset w your grade

•my girl forced u to get a tutor

•good thing u knew mark

•he agreed to meet w you in the library Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s at lunch

•and Thursday’s if you needed it

•thank god 4 mark

•everything was going Super Fine™️

•up until you both look up when you hear squealing and the sound of someone smacking someone else

•and there’s jisung and Chenle,

•staring at you both

•and squealing

•and smacking each other on the arms

•before just plain running out

•”if I don’t go after them, they’ll tell all of our friends that we’re marrying each other, so i should go.” -Mark fucking Lee

•so you’re walking towards your locker to put all of your math work in it,

•and when you open it, a lil note falls out and flutters to the ground

•your smile: 3% -> 95%

•honestly you were kinda having a shitty day

•so you were so happy to see a note in your locker

•you had been receiving love notes since you were in sophomore year

•you don’t remember exactly when during the year

•but one day, they were just there

•you were excited to add another one to your box

•this one wasn’t big, it just said “Your Personality makes me want to be a better person! I hope you have a beautiful day, sunshine!”

•the rim of the paper had squiggly yellow lines, and the bottom had a poorly drawn sunshine, with a heart, like always

•you didn’t know who your secret admirer was

•but you wish you did

•u lowkey loved them

•you’re still smiling about it as you walk into your 7th period math class

•and the note was found at lunch, like an hour ago

•they make you so happy

•you silently sat down in your seat, and stared off into space with a dreamy look on your face

•and THATS how Jaemin knew you got his note

•you always had that look when you read his notes

•not that you knew it was from him

•it made him so happy

•even if you two had never talked before, he still freaking loved that he could make you smile

•Jaemin wasn’t happy for long

•he tried not to let you notice him staring at you in class,

•it was kinda hard, seeing as you two literally sat next to each other

•he couldn’t believe he had to break your heart

•he wanted to die lowkey lol

•but he had to do it

•not really, but really

•so he took a deep breath

•and opened his mouth

Continued here

{taglist}

@ivietea @fiveguysgoodbyeguys @comically-sleep-deprived @woosans-sann @mozartwasajungkookstan @littlefluu @cxcxlxlee @jaesluvklub @uyuzo @sweetie-yoongi7 @marklexleaf

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amaryllisblackthorn · 4 years

Text

mainly dgs-2 spoilers, mention of small dgs-4 spoilers + possible tiny dgs-3 and dgs-5 spoilers [basically spoilers for dgs]

(major) spoilers for episode 2 of dai gyakuten saiban !! (minor) spoilers for episode 4, (even more minor) spoilers for episode 3 and episode 5

so something that I find a little baffling and frustrating is how many people genuinely think sherlock is 100% completely dumb after episode 2 and miss the fact that the end part of the episode reveals that sherlock actually had already figured basically everything out for real and was mostly trolling before that

like I know a lot of people by this point complain that the ending of the episode drags on and they're probably not paying close attention as a result but that means they miss something really really important!!!!

after sherlock says his 'tbh I intended to let Scotland Yard take it from here, the only reason I got involved was to help you out bc I felt bad, but I forgot that the deceased was a dear friend to both of you, so from here on out you should seek the truth with your own eyes' && the epic music (Reasoning Battle - Introduction i think) starts to play, Sherlock is not only on his game but is guiding Naruhodou the whole time.

he guides naruhodou to the realization that the food was drugged, that the whole crew was in on it, that the emergency stop locked the door, and of course that something was in asougi's fist.

sherlock prompts naruhodou with deliberate questions that put him on the path of the truth. 'have you all noticed the throbbing too?' 'by the way as a stowaway how did you come by your meals? ah so last night the victim didn't eat any of the meal?... seriously after saying that aloud you still don't get it?' and, in a way, his theatre of logic and reason is very similar! he guides naruhodou onto the path of the truth by pointing out the significant tells and observations but intentionally gets the logic wrong so naruhodou has a frame to work with to figure it out himself (the theatre also helps naruhodou's confidence in asserting his assertions but that's another thing)

this last part reveals that sherlock was onto the actual truth before he entered the cabin the second time. for one, he did the second emergency stop to confirm his suspicion that it would lock the doors!! not to mention that HE INSPECTED ASOUGI'S FIST AND FOUND NIKOMINA'S EARRING IN IT which probably happened at the very beginning since Asougi's body has been moved when Naruhodo wakes up, meaning that SHERLOCK SUSPECTED/KNEW FROM THE BEGINNING THAT A WOMAN/NIKOMINA WAS IN THE ROOM WITH ASOUGI WHEN HE DIED. so his 'great deductions' about the snake and it being an accident with the cat??? they were a load of bull!! like I'm sure sherlock was actually genuinely shocked about susato's snake facts, but he didn't actually think it was a snake that did it!!!

to reiterate, before Sherlock even gave his great snake deduction:

he knew nikomina was in the room with asougi

he suspected the ship did an emergency stop to lock the door

likely had suspicions that the food was drugged and thus the whole crew was in on it (strengthened when stroganoff reveals nikomina's connection with the sailors & naruhodou reveals the meal situation & others confirm their heads have been hurting)

knew that someone framed naruhodou (the emergency stop, the Russian on the floor)

his great snake deduction and his great cat accident deduction were not serious actual deductions!! he was trolling!! that's what the last part of the ep reveals!! like i mentioned before, his false deductions serve a purpose in helping naruhodou but i’ll prob talk about that more another time.

but the point is, this end part of the episode reveals that Sherlock is a lot smarter than he lets on!! it reveals that he is, in fact, a great detective. he’s still chaotic and distressed about the disillusionment of snakes and impulsive and certainly thinks a lot of himself and stuff, but he’s /not/ actually stupid. he’s a troll; a trickster. and again, this plays into his false deductions sometimes and i’ll prob get into that another time.

but so many people completely miss and overlook this!!! they think sherlock is, while possibly endearing, genuinely stupid and a bad detective; they think he’s all talk, instead of just a lot of talk (bc he does sing his own praises all the time lol). and like, i can kind of see why, because his introduction makes such a strong first impression and when it’s revealed Sherlock’s actually smarter than he’s been letting on near the end, many people are preoccupied with their frustration at how the end seems to be ‘dragging on’. !!!DGS-3 AND DGS-4 SPOILERS!!! and then there’s a whole episode until his next appearance, so it’s kind of easy to forget what happened at the end episode 3 !!!/DGS-3 AND DGS-4 SPOILERS!!!

but it’s honestly pretty frustrating bc so many people miss something that’s really important!

i mean idk it could just be the small sample size i’ve seen that’ve been missing it and it isn’t as big of a thing as i sometimes feel it is, and it’s not like i’m angry at the people missing it or anything -- i just feel like dgs sherlock deserves acknowledgement (altho he acknowledges himself enough to compensate for it and then some, hehe)

!!!DGS-4 AND DGS-5 SPOILERS!!!

like, more than once i’ve seen people go ‘oh so iris is the real sherlock’ when they get to iris’ theatre of logic and reason, and again i can get why bc of the (intentional) stark difference between the theatres, but imo the main difference is that iris plays it straight, not that she’s actually better at it necessarily. and like, i appreciate that iris says that she ‘just mimics the real thing’ bc while she likes giving sherlock a hard time, she does acknowledge his abilities (heh it’s probably good for sherlock that iris likes giving him a hard time, to keep him grounded) -- from what I can recall atm i think Iris ‘put downs’ of Sherlock tend to relate to like his immaturity and impulsivity rather than like dumbery or ineptitude

and im not saying that iris isn’t better/smarter than sherlock bc iris is great and she could be, but my point is the ‘oh so iris is the real sherlock’ bc it’s attached to ‘sherlock is actually dumb but just thinks he’s smart/the best’ which. isn’t true!! it’s ‘iris is smart and sherlock is also smart’ as well as ‘iris is more straight-forward about it while sherlock is often a troll’ and i’m cutting myself off here to prevent myself from writing ten more paragraphs except im going to reiterate i’m not necessarily saying iris isn’t smarter than sherlock and honestly sherlock probably thinks she is and at the very least when she grows up she’ll surpass him and sherlock will be happy

!!!/DGS-4 AND DGS-5 SPOILERS!!!

i’ve gone off a little from my original point so i apologize for that. my main point was/is supposed to be that the end of ‘the speckled band’ shows that Sherlock is a lot smarter than he lets on bc it reveals he’s been figuring out the actual truth before he even gives his great snake deduction which also reveals that his great snake deduction and great cat accident deductions weren’t sincere and brings into question his other great deductions which i will hopefully get into in another post.

OH i forgot to include why i think sherlock was trolling, besides giving naruhodou a framework to work with to figure out what’s going on. it’s nothin super solid but basically it goes back to what sherlock said himself re: ‘the only reason i got involved was bc i felt bad that you were involved but i forgot the deceased was a dear friend to both of you’ and?? again i’m not 100% sure but it’s possible that Sherlock suspected that it was manslaughter and not intentional murder and so wanted to ‘solve’ the case so that the 15-yr-old fugitive wouldn’t have to be repatriated and also so Naruhodou would be cleared of suspicion, but eventually realized that Naruhodou and Susato deserved to know the truth behind the death of their loved one (and was later able to negotiate with the immigrations office on behalf of nikomina). the fact that sherlock went out of his way to encourage naruhodou to check the back of the newspaper he gives them (the one about nikomina) suggests that sherlock suspected nikomina’s involvement before they meet her as roylott in her cabin. take in mind that this is taking into account only what we know as of dgs and not taking into account anything potentially learned in dgs2.

also this isn’t really part of anything, but sherlock also has adhd vibes which i appreciate (i have adhd-i which is a little different than his but still) even if it wasn’t intentional

#dai gyakuten saiban #dgs #dai gyakuten saiban spoilers #dgs spoilers #dgs sherlock holmes #great ace attorney spoilers #great ace attorney #ab analyzes

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surrealsunday · 4 years

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Ok so now that I recovered and processed it, im back to attack your inbox and I already apologize in advance for the potential spam. First of all THE COUCH PART: the flirty and carefree and so clearly in love but in even bigger denial UGH they are killing me!!!! I loved every part of it bc duh! But just the way they were so comfy with each other and messing around as if theyre the only ones in the whole world! And the fact that Lucas knew about the threesome thing killed me😩1/8

Them at work? Idk why but it felt different than other times more carefree (again using the word wow)and i was very 👀🤔 at the Jeremy situation i gotta admit, did lucas tell him off fully or what? Emma being all yeah hes happy and clearly being fucked well and Imane is there all 👀i wonder why hes so happy👀 poor eliott, but then when lucas got him coffee it kinda made me all happy bc he remembered that lil convo in the morning, hes so sweet but trying to act like hes not. 2/8

And Mika knowing about Elu and not even giving them a chance to deny it 😂 OH SHIT how could i forgot Lucas hugging Eliott in the locker room! Idk why but that part had me so warm! Like he really did need eliott in that second! then when he kissed him i really thought jeremy would walk in based on his amazing timing in the past but oh well! But the fact that Lucas showed any affection to eliott felt like such a big step for him! This boy is so in love, we love to see it! 3/8

NOW THE TRIP! I was sure theyd go either with the whole group/friends would “force” them for a trip or maybe theyd visit Claudine BUT THE FACT THAT HE MET HIS PARENTS?! BITCH MY WIG! GONE. I can just imagine Lucas freaking out, especially bc he was all “everyone loves emma!” About her meeting alex’ brothers. I can just imagine him being the same level of nervous if not more! But i was so excited that we met Eliotts parents! Especially since usually we dont get this side. 4/8

And Bas “walking in” on them gave me a tiny flashback to Tempo 😂 AND LUCAS JEALOUS! Hand on his thigh! Boy, its okay you’re all he sees anyway! OH SHIT HOW COULD I FORGET THEIR WEIRD WAY OF DECIDING TO SEND EACHOTHER DICK PICS 😂 idiots! Side note: JAIME THE TATTOOS! ANY PICTURE WITH EVEN A CENTIMETER OF A TATTOO!! MY NEW WEAKNESS AND ITS NOT EVEN REAL!!!!! Oh shit and the reason why he got the tattoos!!!! I teared up! I’m could see them getting matching tats later in life 5/8

Him being afraid of the ghosts and then the next day being “afraid” of eliotts mom and hiding under the covers😂😂 also the (no its not my own YANN) MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD! The dinner scene made me so soft but also feeling upset for Eliott like poor bby no wonder hes feeling like shit when he comes to visit his parents but then LUCAS DID THE HAND THING AND HELD HIS HAND AND IT MADE ME FEEL SO FUCKING WARM INSIDE MY GOD YOU KNOW HOW TO WRITE TO MAKE A BITCH FEEL 60 EMOTIONS AT ONCE! 6/8

honorable mentions: lucas saying eliott is different when it comes to standing up for himself it made me very emo but also it reminded me of the ugly doctor. Im loving the Brat/Average nicknames! Especially average always used so nicely. Lucas being all “you dont have to cuddle me but if you do i wont mind but you dont have to” ALSO ELIOTT REALIZING THAT HES FALLING and the ending ‘im glad i came here with you’ well fuck jaime just rip my heart out and take it. I clearly don’t need it. 7/8

I dont think i need to even try and explain my feelings about the bathroom scene..I think the fact that it took me hours to recover from this chapter speaks for itself.I was surprised that they posted eachother on their social media. I am also surprised that Arthur knows about them which made me a little 👀just fucking amazing! 100000/10 as usual! My new favorite chapter! I am in love! Every week you make me fall more in love with them! And ranting/spam is finished.. sorry🥺 8/8

💜💜💜💜

Don’t apologize for sending me your thoughts! I love them!!!

I love the couch scene too. I love the unadulterated flirtiness of it all. They’re both just super giddy and happy to be together and even though Lucas is still a little bit of his prickly self, there’s just a lot more of that casual comfort than there had been when they first woke up together at Lucas’s place. And of course part of that is how Sofiane treats the whole situation with a lot of ease. Oh and yeah - had to bring up the whole threesome thing because that couldn’t have been kept from Lucas and was also the perfect chance for Eliott to tease him hehe (especially because it’s very clear to them both that neither of them are the least bit interested in the idea).

There’s definitely more ease between them at work too. And yes, Lucas had a convo with Jeremy. He wouldn’t have told him off - in fact he would have been as nice as he possibly could about it (too nice) but this time Jeremy got the message because he’s put two and two together and gets that it’s about Lucas and Eliott.

“BITCH MY WIG” made me lollllll. Yeah, I really felt like they needed to get away from the hospital and everyone they knew to be able to completely drop their defenses and get a chance to really be together, and be a lot more honest about how they were communicating. So a little trip to Eliott’s it was! And that also gave me a chance to give you a lot more depth on Eliott and his background and relationship with his parents. You’ll get more next chapter.

Oh and you ain’t seen nothing yet as far as the tattoo edits go! My faves are in chapter 9 and the epilogue hehe.

I love all of the other moments you mentioned. I love just hearing about the moments that really got to you!!! Thanks so much for sending your thoughts. 💕💕💕💕💕😘😘😘

#long post #mood tattoo chapter 7 #mood tattoo fic

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tslasvegas · 3 years

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Episode 13: “What a depressing trip to Las Vegas” - Jaiden

I just have one thing to say.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! It worked! I didn't expect Joey to vote with us. I feel bad about that, but hey, we couldn't see him being sincere. If he told us who the others were voting for, then maybe we would have changed votes. Jaiden was open to it already. Kailyn is probably the one who voted with John for Liv. Maybe she thought he would play and idol or maybe jury management. Anyway, she should have told us.

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Joey got voted out. Which was not supposed to happen this round. Pat and Jeff are just so naive and easily to manipulate. I’m sure they could be convinced to self vote without any real effort. I don’t even want to bother working with them moving forward because of it. But I might have to. I can’t let grudges get in the way of getting to the end game. Honestly at this point I’d be happy going to F3 with Liv and Kailyn. Xavier is too nice. Jaiden is too... out there? Love him, but I don’t want to sit next to him at the end. And Pat and Jeff i just don’t think they deserve to make it that far

I still can’t believe tribal tonight was real. It’s been like six hours and I’m still in shock that Joey finally went home. Like... what??? I’ve been dealing with that dude for three weeks and I’ve held his little secret in until it finally came of use to me, and... now I’m in the final seven. The game has NOT been won yet and while I feel like cheering and celebrating, I need to maintain my focus and center myself as the game is nowhere close to being over yet. We’ve still got at least four tribals to go, but after tonight I might be able to say that I’m exactly halfway through the merge (assuming it’s a final three... dear god please be a final three). Top eight was a really hard mountain to climb and once I lost immunity I felt a little out of touch with what was gonna happen next. I really felt like my time was going to come, and I’m so thankful that it wasn’t. Tbh Kailyn might’ve gone home today had Jeff not told me about a Palazzo chat still being alive and well. I don’t know how I’m gonna turn this bad situation around again but I need to convince Keegan and Livingston to work with me, Kailyn, and Xavier. It is critical now that Jeff or Pat go home because one of them is going to win. Before Joey left, he told me that there is a rumor that Jeff or Pat have an idol nullifier. While a nullifier won’t affect me right now, it’s not something that I want to see in the game going forward period and I want to use that little piece of information to my benefit and finally get rid of Pat. I’ve been saying for SO LONG that we need to get rid of Pat and now the time is ticking down. He has to go as soon as possible, fuck whatever Jeff says. Tbh I want to fly into the final six with no votes cast against me, still. I wonder if I can get Jeff and Pat to target like Keegan or Livingston and I really just need Xavier or Kaitlyn to bring up Pat’s name first before Jeff.. I doubt they have the smarts to recognize the danger that they pose, but we will see... Keegan is DEFINITELY pissed off at me now too. I made the mistake of telling him that I was “a little annoyed” about how tribal went, which was such a dumb thing to say bc tribal went exactly how I wanted it to. I’m playing off the fact that Kailyn must’ve known abt Joey voting for Livingston because her name was on the chopping block too so that’s why it went 4-2-2 rather than 5-2-1 like it was supposed to. I don’t want anybody to know that I was playing for Joey’s advantage which I’m sure people think I have right now lmfao... Anyways really I need to just make Keegan NOT hate me because he’s still part of my plan long term (I think)... he’s really smart tho and I’m not counting him out to win the whole thing but he hasn’t really done much of anything whereas people like Jeff and Pat and Xavier have kinda done a lot... If Keegan isn’t prepared to be fully loyal to me til the end then there’s nothing I can say to him except adios. All I really need right now is an immunity run til the end. I hope that the next challenge is something that doesn’t require a lot of skill because I am INCREDIBLY anxious just thinking about a competition, live. I need final seven immunity because then I’m guaranteed top five... the furthest I’ve ever been in Tumblr Survivor by a mile. I’ll break so many of my own personal records with that one single immunity win. In fact, if I make it to final five, that will be the best I’ve literally ever done in a Skype survivor org. I haven’t done that good since April and it’s just really affirming to me that this was the right decision for me to come back to Tumblr. Aside from winning challenges and making more moves, I also have gotta start fixing my bad relationships. Like I mentioned earlier, Keegan seems REALLY pissed off at me for how things went down with him being left out of the vote again. I can only apologize so many times before I am simply unforgivable. Maybe say sorry less and work to do better??? Idfk. But if Jeff or Pat can just say Keegan’s name, I’ll do what I can to prove to him that I’m loyal to HIM and not them. I hope that the Palazzos are falling to pieces now and realize that the only way to the end is to stick by us and nobody else. Jeff was also pretty mad at me for pushing his buttons a lot today. But honestly he was feeding me utter bullshit. I don’t buy that he was my savior and guardian Angel today, protecting me from having my name come up. I should honestly tell Livingston that Jeff sold him out to me not too long after Livingston said my name in their little chat. That would be hilarious. Kailyn and I are pretty close, but it could be better. I think I tend to revert all game-conversations with Xavier, so I don’t consider Kailyn my main ally unfortunately. If I want to go to the final three with her and Xavier, I need to really work on building that GAME relationship up because as a person I think we vibe well but it’s gonna come down to a couple factors and if she *has* to be sacrificed for me to get further, I can’t do anything but let it happen unfortunately.. As I just said, Xavier is kind of my main strategic ally right now which is super weird to say. He has definitely stepped it up A LOT in the strategic department and I have a lot of respect for him just as a person and I want to try and pick his brain a little bit more. The only thing with Xavier is that he seems to be playing really “safe” right now - I think had the opportunity presented itself to vote for Jeff with Joey, Xavier wouldn’t have gone for it and would’ve wanted to stick strong with voting Livingston instead. Which I totally get, but this game right now kinda requires we make bolder decisions than just what kinda didn’t work last time, you know? Okay now for Pat - god our relationship is just so weird. I have virtually not ties to Pat except the one alliance with Jeff and I feel like Jeff wants to control Pat rather than let Pat be his own player. It’s weird. I wonder if Pat would be down to vote out Jeff but fuck it’s gonna be hard to pull that off. I don’t want to hold off on Pat BECAUSE if I can’t get him out next, I will need him at final six and hopefully final five to serve as a sacrificial lamb or something. I’m wondering now if maybe Livingston needs to go because people are gonna always view Pat as a huge threat to win, even though he might not necessarily do so if he gets there. Livingston... yeah I really don’t like Livingston lmfao. I think it’s because of his super close connection to Rachael but it might also be because he is like, cool and nerdy and a bit of a try hard “around camp” so to speak. What REALLY gets on my nerves about Livingston is that he possesses zero of the charisma to convince me that he sucks at this game but enough social finesse to make me think that he’s actually gonna win if he gets to the end. He’s like, that cool dork everybody was friends with in high school. Even though parts of his game have been lackluster as fuck, he’s still a massive threat to win and I might just need to kick him off to the jury as soon as possible. :) And finally... me! I’m gonna try hard to be unbiased and self-aware but it’s so difficult to do that bc I genuinely don’t know how ppl are perceiving me this time.. I THINK it’s mostly positive but tonight was definitely one of my most negative episodes bc of how stressful I was being before tribal. Just ask Jeff. I think I’m definitely succeeding in getting votes to go my way and I have had a LOT of things go right for me since the merge. From Stephanie leaving right when I needed her to, to the double removal, to the super idol coming out and getting rid of Joey... It’s been so good so far. BUT I’m not being subtle about it. Subtlety is not a strength of mine that’s for sure.. I think I succeeded in being “subtle” about the Steph thing bc I was not making it overly obvious I wanted her out but otherwise I’ve been very clearly controlling other decisions and how certain votes went. Leaving two people I don’t trust in the game (Pat/Jeff) is tough but at least I worked with them on something, right? Joey was telling me so much that he was gonna lose to me and I think he was right. Now Jeff is saying that he’s probably going to lose if we’re in the end, but he doesn’t want to vote me out. Do I trust that? Not really... But fuck, I don’t even know anymore!!! I think if the game was over right now, I’m going to be grilled to DEATH for being fake as hell to Joey. I think that’s gonna come back to bite me so I need to start talking POSITIVELY about Joey to EVERYBODY. Read him for game, not for personal reasons. And maybe I’ll even talk his game up going forward just so that the person who goes into jury at least relays that I made a “good move” voting for Joey to leave (even tho I didn’t vote for Joey hehe). I wonder if people think I’m just playing tjem as pawns and not as real people.. bc these are definitely real people we are playing with here and I recognize that, but honestly in my mind nobody here wants this as badly as me. If that makes me the villain, I’m fine being the villain. But I’m not a human being that will ever play this game with a passion to play humanely. I want to win so badly. I’m going crazy in my own head, the wheels turning in hyperspeed. I’ve never been hungrier for something like I am for this win... I can hold out another year in this environment if I have to. I can and I will 🤠

Darn third world slow internet connection! Anyway, it made others look like challenge threats more than me, so hopefully that gets me through more rounds if they think other people can win more :)

That was a very stressful and very tense immunity challenge. Jeff was the clear front runner for the first five rounds, being the first person to advance in all of them. He’s a quick typer which made me very worried I wouldn’t be able to pull off a win. However, the last round was “Name That Song” and with the help of Siri, I snagged the immunity necklace! Final 6 here I come! This round presents me with an interesting dilemma. Since I have immunity I can be a little more ballsy. So I could throw Jeff or Pat under the bus, try to sway Jaiden, Kailyn and Xavier to vote one of them out. Or I can stick with the OG Palazzo group that is saying (for the fifth time I might add) that they want to stick together. That hasn’t worked out at all yet this merge and we’ve voted 4 people out. Pat and Jeff seem pretty interested in targeting Xavier for being a social threat which I don’t disagree with. But Jaiden is a very strong player. This is one of those rounds where I’m insanely grateful to have immunity because there’s also a bunch of advantages out there. I know Livingston has a regular idol now. But there’s vote steals and extra votes and idol nullifiers out there somewhere and that’s so nerve-wracking. Also, Jaiden mentioned to me that this is the last round for a lot of those advantages and I just don’t think I buy that. Final 7 is a weird place for that. Regardless, I’m fully expecting this to be a wild and crazy tribal tomorrow. Can’t wait to see what happens because I get to sit there looking pretty with my new bling. Xoxo Gossip Girl

I am terrified of tribal today and I have a bunch of different ideas in my head but I just want to survive. Kind of where I am at is I feel like I am getting 7th no matter what because I have never tasted top 6 in an ORG. I could play an idol here at 7, waste it, and then just get fucked at 6. One thing I thought about was "finding" the idol part of the way through tomorrow and then letting OG Palazzo know to build trust. The only issue with this is that the idol nullifier is in play. It could still be on the board. It was on the board when I got my auction advantage. But if it isn't, and Pat and Jeff turn on me, I could be fucked idol or no idol if the nullifier is played. I suppose that Pat and Jeff have both never voted me as far as I can tell, unless I have miscalculated one of the vote counts for the past 2 tribals. Maybe it'd be safer to hold onto the idol quietly and just hope I don't leave with it in my pocket. This is so stressful because if I leave with it in my pocket, I look like an idiot that had the luck to get two advantages but couldn't traverse the game much past that.

Okay so, Jeff is my closest ally at this point. Voting out Joey was our move and I am very happy we did. I don’t express the anger that I’m feeling and I think that helps keep my relationships good with people. I think I’m good with Livingston and Keegan and also Jaiden and Kailyn. I was Xavier out this round but I feel like something is going to happen. No one knows I have an idol which is amazing and I hope I don’t have to use it til final 5 and I have immunity and can play it on someone else for the fun of it. I can’t believe I made final 7 and am actually kicking up playing the game by voting correctly on Joey. I think so far I have 2 of the 4 votes at final tribal council, Andrew and Steph. I think I have a road there, I just hope I make the right decision because I’m still in I a weird phase of the game and anything can happen.

This tribal feels very weird. Jaiden is insisting he hasn’t heard anything at all about the vote. Which I find very strange considering he’s basically been running things most of this merge. Why would suddenly no one tell him anything? Especially Kailyn and Xavier. Seems like those three are fairly open with each other. I could not be more happy to have immunity this round. No matter what happens, I am safe and have not a thing to worry about. I really really hope that Pat and Jeff are being honest and actually voting for Xavier like they say they are. If they’re flipping and voting for Livingston.... I don’t even want to imagine that. But I’m getting some sketchy vibes. Fingers crossed it’s just me being paranoid, though any time I say that something unexpected happens.

Ok I'm calling it, I'm going home tonight ! Literally nobody is telling me anything and it's really quite pathetic to see Keegan, who says we're super cool and good friends and will be friends once this is all over, win immunity and then not make a single attempt to pick me up and flip me to his side. Unless he's so confident that the Palazzo four will stick loyal to the very end... which they probably will, but Jeff is gonna beat all of them in the end and I think they see me as a big threat or something LOL I guess it's good gameplay for them but I hate it either way. I don't really have a lot to say bc now I just feel dumb. I wish I had an idol, but of course, I do not. Anyways, I'm going to have to stick with the fact that people are voting for Xavier tonight and hope my name doesn't come up at all. I'm going to lie and tell Xavier that I'm certain its me or Kailyn tonight and hope he holds an idol if he has it... or plays it on me heh. We'll see though... What a depressing trip to Las Vegas if it ends like this.

The last Confessional :(

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kebinwooo · 4 years

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quarantine time!!

tagged by @theyoungflexer as you all know! LOL thank you again chelle ^^

rules: answer these questions and tag 5 mutuals

1. Flowers or chocolates? chocolates! i like food LOL

2. Between day and night I prefer: night (i accidentally became a night owl like two years ago and now... well...)

3. My favorite drink: boba hehehehe but i really like tea in general too!

4. Between sunrise and sunset I prefer: sunsets

5. Between dogs and cats I prefer: oooooof hard question but imma go with cats. a cat lived in my flat last year at school and i miss him deeply T___T

6. The vegetable i hate the most: idk brussel sprouts? i had a friend keep trying to convince me they’re good and each time just 🤮🤮

7. My favorite sound: uhhhhhhhh i’m blanking LMAO i kinda like how it sounds when it’s raining? but like only when i’m inside AHAHA

8. The first thing I notice about people: their smile? idk LOL

9. Would you prefer horror or fantasy? fantasy. i read too much ya fantasy for my own good (i say as if i actually read much anymore) also i’m a scaredy cat and cannot handle horror for my LIFE

10. I’d want to be stuck in a lift with: oh uh idk shownu? he’s such a generally calm person that it would (hopefully) balance out me panicking like crazy. plus it seems like he’ll actually figure out a way to get us out LOL

11. What city or town you’d like to live in? i want to live in seoul one day (that sounds so kboo of me oh my god) but like not permanently i dont think. it just seems like it’d be a pretty fun experience. i would also love to live in oxford! i was studying there for a summer and it was just SO beautiful and i loved the town so much and AGH definitely want to go back

12. What I value most in life: love, peace and happiness? LMAO THAT SOUNDS SO CHEESY but i just want a peaceful, secure life surrounded with love and what makes me happy and i also want that for my loved ones too. basically i just want there to be good in the world

13. If I could learn any skill, it’d be: cooking.... i literally can’t cook and that’s something i definitely need to learn at some point

14. Between the beach and the mountains, I prefer: beach but mostly bc i’m afraid of heights and have no stamina to hike LOL aesthetically tho? mountain! i lived in near perfect view of mt. rainier back at college and i MISS HER SO MUCH

15. I’d love to get married in: i’d like to get married period LOL. but no specific place i have in mind tho?

16. My hidden talent: ......i have no idea if i even have one?? nothing’s coming to mind so....

17. If I could bring anyone back to life, I’d bring back: jonghyun ;;

18. Why? i just... miss him ;; i want to be able to tell him he did really well and that many people love and miss him. i’m sure he’s in a better place now but i also just want to show him the amount of love he still has even tho he’s gone

19. Rainy or sunny day? SUNNY PLEASE. i have had enough rainy days living in washington to last my lifetime

20. Who’s the real model of your life? i’m assuming this means role model. in which case, honestly speaking, jun of ukiss. he’s super talented (QUADRUPLE THREAT) and capable and works super hard but is such a down-to-earth, humble guy who easily makes friends and loves deeply (nobody is a bigger ukiss fanboy than jun ;;) and i just admire the amount of dedication and passion he has

21. How I relax after a hard day: melting into the couch and staring into space LMAO i’m only half kidding. i also like to watch stupid youtube videos that makes me laugh and like not think

22. I like the way I look: ehhhhhhh.... i’m not exactly confident but i also don’t hate myself either

23. My most favorite facial features of myself is: ............... :) i don’t have an answer to that

24. My most favorite part of my body is: i have nice fingers hehe they’re long and pretty and i’ve gotten quite the few compliments on them so yeah

25. If I could change anything about my body: MY OILY FACE

26. If yes, what’s it: I’VE HAD A BREAKOUT ON MY CHEEKS SINCE LIKE APRIL AND IT HASN’T CLEARED UP AND I’M ANGRY!!!!!!!!! PEOPLE LIKE JOOHEON WHO ARE BORN WITH NEAR PERFECT SKIN MAKE ME ANGRY!!!!! I WANT THAT FOR ME WHY IS IT SO HARD!!!!!!!

27. If I could change something from my past: i can’t tell? i mean as much as i regret some decisions in the past, i’m fine with where i am now, so i don’t think i would change anything drastic. superficially tho, i wish i could’ve gone to a bap or the rose concert at least once bc i MISS THEM AND I HAD MULTIPLE OPPORTUNITIES TO GO SEE THEM AND I DIDN’T TAKE THEM!!! WHICH WAS DUMB WHY DID I DO THAT

28. How many piercings I have: none LOL

29. I like makeup? no

30. I wear make up everyday: definitely no

31.My skin type is: def oily (see #25)

32. My skin tone: idk how to describe? i do know i got REALLY pale after i started going to college bc i got barely any sun exposure LMAO

33. My hair color: black and leftover red/auburn(?) from my dye job back in january

34. My height: 5′4″

35. My age: 20... BUT I’M TURNING 21 NEXT WEEK AHHHHHHH

36. My birthday: august 21 :)

37. My best friend: if you’re reading this melissa, it’s definitely not you >:( i’m kidding LOL i have several best friends and now that i’m listing it out in my head i’m like oh i have at least five if not a few more... idk what that says about me. i’m a loving person alright?

38. I have a pet or more: not anymore :(( warrior fish i miss you T_T

39. If I don’t, I’d like to adopt: no. imma be honest i suck at taking care of pets and i cannot handle the responsibility of another living being so even if i want a pet, i really know i shouldn’t get one

40. Video games or social media: social media

41. I’ve visited outside my country: yep. i have a major case of wanderlust

42. I’ve an innocent/dirty mind: depends? i have a dirtier mind than some of my friends but also sometimes dirty things just fly over my head and i’m left blinking innocently at the situation like wut o-o

43. Someone proposed me or asked me out? LMAO NO. i’ve been single since birth. i got asked to formal once but like.... it was the world’s lamest/dumbest asking and i didn’t end up going bc it was super last minute lmao

44. If yes, then I liked it and accepted or the opposite: read above

45. Do you follow some celebrities’ fashion: no? i have bought like a thing or two bc i thought a celebrity wearing it was cool but i never deliberately followed somebody’s fashion

46. What do you think about your fashion sense: plain, comfy, really generic LOL

47. You found someone copying your fashion: lmao my fashion sense is too generic for anybody to copy/want to follow so nice try

48. Can you do your makeup properly: uhhhhhhhhhh like the very very very basics: foundation, concealer, blush, eyeshadow. that’s about it

49. You go or used to go with makeup to school: still a no

50. What color suits you best? i wear a lot of gray, black, blue, green, turquoise/teal and purple LOL also a lot of stripes. but i think army green suits me best

51. Finally, how is quarantine going? ehhhhhhh about as good as it can go.

not tagging anyone again but feel free to do this if you want!

#thanks for tagging me again chelle!#your answers were pretty interesting haah #also the question about favorite sound is nagging at me bc i'm sure i have a more interesting answer BUT I CANT REMEMBER ANYTHING ARGH #anyways whatever i'M OVER IT

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kyufiber-moved · 4 years

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do you have any web kdrama recs? I'll do a trade and recommend Banana Actually- the whole series is 20 minutes long (at most) very good, digestible, and has some ~good~ kiss scenes.

i’ll check it out!! i do have lots of webdrama recs hehe ^^ i recommended most of them yesterday but here is a larger list of only webdramas !! it’s kinda long, so i put a keep reading !!

like- a korean webdrama that you can find on youtube starring kim yu an, kim kangmin (maybe, maybe not), yoo jungwoo (love after school), and seo ji hye- about a group of students who create a film club to make youtube videos and the dumb shit they get into, plus there’s some romance, betrayal, and fuckboys.- so so so so cute honestly. the dynamic between the characters of the club is so cute and funny, plus the love triangle has me wheezing. also the asshole fuckboy gets what he deserves which is super satisfying. it hasn’t finished airing yet, but so far it’s really cute

failing in love- korean webdrama you can find on youtube starring son sang yeon (triple fling), yang hye ji, and shin yoon seop- about a group of high schoolers who deal with falling in love, crushes, rejection, etc.- ok so the summary i gave was pretty vague but that’s because any more and i’d be exposing the whole plot. there is humor and fluff but also teenage angst, and the characters are all more complex than they first appear. i would highly recommend this show !!!

want more 19- a short webdrama you can find on youtube starring jung ha joon, sin gi hwan, jeon yoo rim, nam yoon soo, and lee jungha- a story of 5 friends in high school. A mutual crush, a one-sided love, and a rough patch for sweethearts, all taking place right around the end their senior year- OH GOD i can’t breathe this drama is so cute. it had me squealing every single episode, and it’s very lighthearted with hardly any angst

triple fling (s1)- a short choose-your-own-ending korean webdrama on youtube starring jung bomin, son sangyeon (failing in love), themanblk’s jeongyou, and themanblk’s eom sewoong- lee sehee accidentally becomes friends with the three most popular boys in school and ends up in a love square with them- alright im whipped for stuff like this so naturally i loved it. i also really liked how viewers could choose their own ending as for which boy she chose. there is a second season that i haven’t seen yet that focuses on another girl in ANOTHER love square (containing one of the guys from sehee’s love square) in which it shows which boy she actually did choose (and it was my favorite so . yay!)

when you love yourself (s1)- a short webdrama you can find on youtube starring jung mingyu (sweet revenge 2) and saet byeol .- about a girl who is heavier than her classmates who struggles with self-love and self-acceptance, and along the way finds love- god. i can’t even explain how much i loved this drama. the message is wonderful and there’s no moment where she glows up and loses weight and then gets the guy’s attention or anything: he simply loves her as who she is, no matter what weight she is, and is supportive. there’s also an episode that focuses on the queen bee girl who also struggles with weight and self-love and it’s just beautiful

my woofy poofy love / my dog-like dating- a short korean webdrama you can find on youtube starring chae ji an and kim do hoon (your imagination becomes reality)- a girl who has recently been cruelly dumped by her boyfriend brings a stray dog back to her home and wakes up to find that instead of a dog, there is a man! she happens to be looking for a roommate, and so this man (who can turn into a dog) becomes her new housemate- literally adorable. female lead is stunning and the relationship is so cute and fluffy and innocent, but the kiss is steamy as hell.

ok to be sensitive (s1)- a webdrama you can find on youtube starring kim da ye and kim youngdae (extraordinary you) and others im too lazy to put- focuses on feminist issues like sexism and sexual harassment in a college setting, which each episode focusing on one particular incident and the characters dealing with it- listen so like . this show had me emotional at some points bc of how amazing the message was. it dealt with sexual harassment, sexism, how females are expected to act, stalking, pressure to have sex… etc and basically every episode was like . you can stand up for yourself. you don’t have to “take it” just bc you’re a female, etc. also there was really cute romance uwu

ok to be sensitive (s2)- season 2 of otbs, also can be found on youtube, starring yoo hye in and lee shin young, as well as others but again im too lazy to list them all- same thing as season 1, but a different cast of main characters, and set in an office workplace. (original cast makes a cameo at the end)- the issues in season 2 were definitely a bit darker because it was set in a work place, where the main characters were worried about getting fired if they stood up for themselves, but the way things were handled was really admirable imo. also the male lead in this one is ABSOLUTELY adorable

go back diary- a 4 episode webdrama you can find on youtube starring kim ye ji and lee jong won (jaemin’s webdrama how to hate you)- about a boy who sees a girl at a karaoke bar (?) and instantly develops a crush on her. she then transfers to his school, and it tells the story of their love story after 10 years.- i’ll just say it right now. the whole drama was adorable except for the ending, which fucking sucked. literally was horrible. boycott episode 4 pls i was SO UPSET. otherwise, great webdrama

love after school (s1)- korean webdrama that can be found on youtube starring park so eun and yoo jungwoo (like)- about a couple who fell in love in high school and their story, told from 5 years later when they meet again- i love love love this bitch. LOVE. season 2 … we won’t speak of her lol. but season 1 is super cute and the ???? kiss at the end(ish)??? DEAD. literally anything with yoo jungwoo will destroy me but omg. it was fantastic

maybe, maybe not- a webdrama starring kim kangmin (like) and gong yoorim- a girl who can read minds and is an outside bc she knows what everyone is really thinking meets a guy that she can’t read the mind of- so fluffy. so cute. oh god. pls watch it’s so soft and cute

what to do with you- a korean webdrama - that is actually literally an ad for a facemask - starring lee hayoung and kim youngdae (extraordinary you)- saerom and geun are friends, but it feels like they’re something more. will they ever take the next step?- yeah this webdrama is super cute and that’s really all lol. also the bitchy girl in love after school is the best friend in this one oho

your imagination becomes reality- a webdrama that can be found on youtube starring oh se young, kim dohoon (my woofy poofy love), and jin ho eun- soram has a crush on a mysterious upperclassman, and wishes to see him again: she does, soon after. each time she makes a wish, it seems to magically come true. - yeah so like . it’s not a supernatural thing or anything, it’s just a cute college romance that’s basically every girl with a crush’s dream lol~!

crushes reverse- webdrama on youtube starring kim shi eun (miss independant jieun s2) and jung hyojun- yoo somi has a huge crush on her older sister’s longtime boyfriend, and her best friend at school happens to be his younger brother- i find the beginning hard to watch bc of the second hand embarrassment i feel when i do watch it but . it has a super cute ending and the main girl reminds me of shin hye sun so much it’s wack

how to hate you- webdrama starring nct’s jaemin, jim ji in (extraordinary you), lee jongwon (go back diary), and kim yoojin- oh miri meets her ideal type while working as a part-timer, but right before she’s about to confess, she realizes that he is her best friend’s mystery boyfriend. she asks han daekang, her new friend, to pretend to be her boyfriend for the time being. - the summary i gave was terrible but ITS RLY CUTE . also the main girl in this plays dan oh’s best friend / juda’s bully in extraordinary you and THE CHARACTERS ARE SO INCREDIBLY DIFFERENT DUDE . Legend. anyways its a bit cliche and we dont get any actual lip on lip action but its still cute lol

have a nice dessert! / drunk in good taste- drama special / webdrama starring kim hyanggi (sweet revenge 1; moment at 18) and kim mingyu (just between lovers ((as the crippled best friend’s anti fan turned romantic interest)))- chongnam loves desserts, and even has an instagram dedicated to taking photos of various deserts she eats. when her college life starts, she mistakes a classmate as an upperclassman, only to find out they’re the same age, and they become friends- listen . this shit was adorable. as when every single kim hyanggi drama, the kisses are cardboard flat and terrible but ! BUT ! the couple is super cute

a-teen (s1 & s2)- 2 season webdrama starring april’s naeun, shin yeeun (he is psychometric), shin seungho, kim donghee, kim soohyun, and ryu euihyun- about a group of friends who go through various troubles and grow closer as a group, as well as fall in love- ok so ... technically i haven’t even finished season 1 yet but !!! i know it’s a good show bc i did watch a lot of it !! plus in s1 episode 20 at 10:35 there’s a nomin cameo LOL SJKFSD there’s also a webdrama called “the guilty secret” i haven’t watched yet starring victon’s subin and others that is set at the same school as a-teen 1 and 2 and features the original cast in cameos !!

i have 3 boyfriends / boyfri3nds- short webdrama you can find on youtube starring kim ji eun, park sungwoo (produce 101 season 2 [that 30 year old dude who danced to rain’s song OMG], moon jihoo, and lee jungsik- when la hi gets in a car accident and wakes up with amnesia she finds that she has 3 men all claiming to be her boyfriend.- OK LISTEN . this show is so funny and cute. let me just say: you MUST watch to the end. that’s all i’ll say. pLS WATCH

lily fever- a short webdrama starring kim hyeyoon (just between lovers) and jung yeonjoo (witch’s romance)- kyungju needs her passport back, which her ex boyfriend has, but it turns out he left it at a friend’s place. when she arrives, the friend is leaving but says she can go inside: just be mindful of the houseguest inside...- yeah this is lesbian as fuck . it has like . hardly any plot, has a shit ton of crackheadery, and lots of STEAMY AS FUCK kisses. it literally makes like no sense though skdfksjd but if ur in the mood for some easy to watch girl pairing stuff, this is it my dude !

#asks #anonymous #kdrama recs #webdrama recs #drama recs #recs

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certifiedproblemcauser · 4 years

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fuckin uh,,gay wrath shit

gay month is carrying over bitches because i said so

so uh here’s some random stories about being queer because why the fuck not

1. so basically i first realized i. Was Not Straight when I was about 11ish, and i thought i mightve had a crush on a really good friend of mine who was moving away, but i kinda brushed it off. then the next year i met this. Cute Girl at school and kinda just,,,started hanging around with her until we became really good friends, and turns out,,,we both had crushes on each other,,,,,,so my first Full Gay Crush™ was Also Gay For Me (we dated for just over 2 years before breaking up but we’re still good friends hehe)

2. started questioning what the fUCK a gender was when i was about 11-12 too, and tbh i still dont know? idfk man im just trying to exist

3. when i was younger i thought you had to have a crush on guys?? so every year at school id pick a dude and be like ‘okay i like you this year’ and never once did i realize that normal people didnt do that aslkdjfaslkdfjlksd after a while my parents coughmomcough started saying that they’d ‘always love me no matter what’ and i did Not understand what she meant until i realized. people could like girls and i-yeah so technically i came out at like,,,12? when i mentioned to my parents i might like girls (i used bi at the time bc that was the only other term i knew of outside of gay and straight) but didn’t fully come out until about 3 years later--turns out they knew my friend and i were dating but didnt want to make it awkward by asking me about it alksjdlkzsflksadhgkldjghkladfjghalkdendme

4. ended up discovering. God I Love Women like so fucking much they just,,,preddie

5. (currently!) i use the term pan to define myself if anyone asks but technically i always sway towards girls so i could also use lesbian but what the fuck is language and labels let me like people

okay, now on an actually serious note for people who might still be in the closet/struggling with accepting themself or others/in a dangerous place right now: it would be a lie to say that everything went smoothly. i was on the brink of breaking down entirely when i told my parents that i wasn’t sure i was straight because i knew the connotations of it--i grew up in the early-mid 2000′s, gay was and still is used as a negative term, so i always knew it as this ‘bad thing’ to be. it also didn’t help that they weren’t supportive at first, so i was basically thrown back into the closet. i was also in a seriously dark place mentally at the time with no one to talk to about it (i’ve always been horrible at making friends, so even now i really dont have people to talk to about things going on in my life, which might be why im writing this now? i really dont know anymore). i have family that would disown me immediately if they found out about this--hell, they flipped their shit when they found out i wasnt catholic (not my parents tho, they’re chill now)! and yeah. it sucks having to hide a major part of yourself from the people who mean the most to you. the person i was closest to in the world died last year without knowing who i was. so, no, i’m not entirely out, because that would be dangerous for me. i know that ive had it easier than so many people who have stories similar to mine, but it shouldn’t be something thats difficult in the first place. (also sorry mom, i know you’ve said you expect me to bring a girl home at this point and that you. really want me to bring ANYONE home but hehe romance hard)

to end this on a light-hearted note, i just got a giant 1x2m pride flag to hang in my room and i was able to proudly show it off to my parents who supported me wholeheartedly. i know it’s cliche to say, but it does get better. and im still really young--there’s so much more time for it to get even better than this.

#gay #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqa #lgbtqia #lesbian #pan #bi #closet #closeted #out #story #story time #story telling #lgbt story #im gay and its taken me a while to be okay with that but i wouldnt have it any other way #might delete this later lmfao

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gibbyj · 3 years

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check in on me in the sunshine.

think about the terrified twenty-two year old behind the desperate attempts to reach out.

remember how you’ve felt at your lowest, and how often your mind goes to me when you’re there.

i’m nothing special handsome, and neither are you. we are two souls who passed each other and exactly the wrong and perfect time.

do you still have the note? or did you burn it? i deleted the audio message, finally. i couldnt remember how broken i felt on that carride. but you may, and there’s nothing i can ever do to apologize the way my heart wants to.

i will love you until my dying breath, but i have had a lot of practice wanting to be dead. this is me reeling from the idea that i spent so long just waiting for death. not excited by it, but not dreading it either. sitting patiently and waiting to stop existing.

don’t lie to me, or to yourself. you’re still into me handsome. i dont care if u wanna fook or if u want to marry me, i really don’t. but you do deserve some time to yourself. how many days have you been single since 15?

it’s a question that hurts, because we both know the answer is not enough. and trust me, the way you exist in my mind, i WANT to run back into your basement and prove to you i’m a grownup. but look at me, this is clearly not adult behavior.

youre the best man ive ever not slept with. and both parts of that terrify me. bc until i talked to delaney, when i was finally brave enough to just tell her why we never talk anymore, she understood. she told me all i needed to know, which is that you dont seem happy.

thats all i care about my dude. idc if you never speak to me again. and thats a lie, i care too much. but beyond that i need you to stay alive. and to be honest with you, all of my doctors have told me that, sheer willpower, will never be enough.

heres a summary of my last 18 months (fun!!)

1) gm heart attack (remember how important she was to me?)

2) 21st birthday

3) covid

4) abuser left me (thank god)

5) george floyd / my political reignition

6) gm put on hospice

7) abuser wanted to get back together

8) all the stranger sex (v clean v tested dw)

9) gm died (turkey day)

10) MAJOR AND SEVERE DEPRESSION

11) life until

12) you come back

13) graduation (all hs grad was and more i promise)

14) acquired dream job

15) i kick you out

16) i bring you back

17) rinse, repeat

18) severe panic turned manic (hehe) attack

19) 72 hour psych hold.

20) now

ask delaney whats up. better yet, ask ME whats up. im not embarrassed by my brain one bit. i am terrified of yours. because the parts you’ve showed me are perfect and petrifying.

you will always be my one who got away. but i have to live w that, as painfully as you do. i hope i’ve shown you i’m NOT trying to ruin your house of cards, i’m trying to lay a foundation to keep you alive.

if you’re not interested, FINE! tell me. in my defense, you’ve compiled a 8.5 hour long playlist to prove my point, but you told me i misread the intent. some may call that gaslighting, lets call it getting even.

please stay safe, i will ALWAYS be here if you need me

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shytiff · 3 years

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June Small Wins

1 - ecmocard meeting with ppl from aussie to learn to sort out data. Felt better after the meeting cause i didnt feel like doing anything before. Got two season deli box cake from dapur cokelat for nessa. Videocalled w her and ren.

2 - dr eva chatted and gave things to do. I also need to make intern log for dr retha. I just cant bring myself to start. Finally mustered the courage. Im not the type of person for wfh. At least in this house. Finished reading love or hate. I rly felt like shit at night.

3 - started reading positively yours. Had no will to do anything

4 - some more sending spss work for dr eva. weekdays with no “outside work” rly render me useless in functioning. a vegetable

5 - iluni webinar. Lost my attention during electrolyte and fluid stuff. tried to cook ribeye steak lmao (meat from @/fridaymeatshop). Its too chewy and leathery. But its not too welldone. And at least it tastes good. Went to depok by krl. its quite quick since krl arrived just after im at poris and duri. went ahead of silvi devi. satpam on the lobby wont open the access hhhh (i dont have one. i dunno why. mom said she cant find it although we supposedly have 2). but my mood improved once im upstairs. we prepped a bit of deco. conversed in the dark so not to make racheel suspicious. surprisee. had truffle belly chicken cheese for dinner. the cheese was not to cheesy, its more of a gentle taste. mushroom tastes better. we watched sweet and sour from my mobile data. surprisingly, its not that much of data. slept at like 12-1ish

6 - the electric token went out in the morning. we went for a walk in ui. the PLK man across of st ui forbade us from going in. ugh. but it was rly empty. so we went from barel. its empty on the library. there was a dog that walked along with us. talked a bit in front of the lake. went back. i got 2 moon chicken (the basic flavor and not the wings) and spicy jumeokbap. the jumeokbap was nothing like what i had in korea. like the seaweed’s taste doesnt come out that much, and its not that flavorful/savory. the one in korea its good even by itself. went back to jkt nebeng reza silvi with devi. originally planned to go to flavola, but my head kinda hurts, so i finished my moon chicken at the mushola and asked juan to pick me up. still feel healthy and normal after going and staying out, so i started reading a book abt handwriting analysis lmaoo. fell asleep. tried several attempts to figure out my bpjs number and turns out the best there is to respond is BPJS’ twitter. the problem was solved under 5 mins.

7 - woke up, fell asleep again. Adita told me that i might be interviewed today for the ipd intern but theres no info. Did the registration stuff for my bpjs. Registered for npwp. Watched bts x na pd

8 - off to RSF. its audit day today. hiks to phonecall follow up work. i did not do anything inaco related, i just sat there and did dr dafsah’s excel. dr vera bought me pecel ayam hehe yay. went to como park to meet up with indah regen. tried ricotta pizza from pizza place (33k). the cheese is cheese but not that typical cheesy (?) coupled with mushroom. i had to add sauce to withstand the last bites (still kinda full). tried other’s as well, pesto and mushroom. pesto had the most taste. while waiting for doggo to arrive, we bought gelato (S: 35k). apparently their special flavor was ricotta lmao. tried green tea (bitter, which i like) and peanut butter + caramel, which makes you feel thirsty. watched the doggos from the sidelines. after maghrib we went to 1/15. ordered ice mocha (50k). the chocolate taste stood out more. not gonna order again lol. the staff initially recommended pandan flavor. took grab to gbk station to go home.

9 - rsf. second audit day. i hate it here lmao. im not even paid for my time here. excused myself to eat. turns out mbak Ai bought hokben. i almost forgot thanking her since i felt hungry with a bit of headache. talked a bit with dr retha regarding changes of assistant (since internship is soon). went back and immediately laid down in bed. mom bought pizza so thats what i ate for dinner. fell asleep (i can feel it. my face will get consequences)

10 - cant bring myself to do anything. i reread painter of the night lmao. seungho is a prick. inhun is also a prick (a greedy one). ate arirang bone marrow. put the egg-seasoning mixture to the pan since im not confident enough to just pour boiling water into the bowl. felt surprisingly full. went to sbux. green tea latte as usual. but turns out tumblr 50% promo only applies to sbux member. so i had to pay 40k for my green tea latte. at least i got to feel good from outside vibes. did some follow up for INACO patients.

11 - went to rm rsf. Took lots of photos of RM. I was given rujak by the rm staff lmaoo so cute. Didnt do any entry afterwards lmao i just laid down

12 - breakfast is paldo jjajangmen and egg. It tasted like soy. Its good but not in a micin way. Its quite fulfilling. Had some of the beef slices by putting it in a buttered pan (is it pan fried? Grilled? Idk). Had banana and brownies together (makes it rly good). Did a bit of clires work. I drank sbux's caramel macchiato but yall my stomach cant handle it lmao. It hurts so much that i even got a headache. So i just laid down in bed

13 - had arirang again loll. Inserted the egg to the pan still, but quicker this time. Its too salty today. Maybe its not enough water. I was eating it while googling how to remove excess sodium. Ate the rest of beef slices (shared with bros ofc) and mixed some with moms fried rice. Ate banana brownies again. Felt soooo full. Did some clires work accompanied by sbux matcha

14 - i felt like shit this morning. Watched leahs vid. Listened to her podcast while having bfast. I walked from moms car to bougenville while still feeling like shit. It slowly gets better afterwards, thankfully. Did some clires and follow up. Went to gandy steak in dr retha's car (which had anesthesiology textbook inside). Tried aus sirloin steak. The bread tasted ok. The garlic bread also ok. The mashed potato was so so (the one in depok was more creamy and smooth). The steak was good, especially the fat part, the sauce so so. Honestly that depok steak had more value for money compared to this, i think. Nebeng dr rara and husband to busway station. Arrived in ar and i immediately showered, such wow 👏👏

15 - today is no rsf day aka self made wfh day. Moms getting vaccinated today. I just lazed. And read kanej fics

16 - off to rsf. Took care of rm stuff. Tried social affair's croffle since i was so curious (60k [10k tip]). The nutella and cinnamon sugar one. Its crunchy and a bit crumbly inside, but not as fragile as croissant. Its quite fulfilling too. But its basically flour batter variations. (thats what mom would say). randomly chatted racheel and we ended up taking a walk and a bit of jog citra 6 (with my sneakon regular shoes). My left tendon was screaming lol. Picked up by juan who surprisingly effortlessly found the address at night.

17 - mbak aan chatted me today to go to rscm. Met prof murdani at pesc and he gave me ppt assigment for 13:30 THAT DAY. Finished it unsatisfyingly (i wish i couldve done more). Lunch was free bebek bkb yay thankyou Prof c: (he even asked what did i ate) took care of legalisir stuff. Went home by tj. Drank matcha w vsoy and i somehow was not sleepy after maghrib. I also changed my desj layout. Maybe it kinda works to separate my spaces

18 - arrived at rscm at 8-ish. sent updated thibbun nabawi ppt. literature search. and then somehow its 14:30. went to SCI w ara wani rasyid. tried bandeng nyonya, oyster, salmon, cumi lada garam (its crazy good among all the good tasting food wtff), shrimp and pocai telor (veggie stuff). dessert was thailand cassava. spent about 190k. went back by TJ. had wudu at pulomas and prayed ashar on the bus lol. i passed out after playing w my phone lmaoo

19 - spent almost the whole day just sleeping and eating. finally showered in the afternoon. had matcha vsoy latte after maghrib and with enough day sleeping, i did presentation outline. at like 1/2 am i initially planned to sleep but my eyes still have plenty of watts. so i read hold me tight. slept at like 4/5 am

20 - woke up at 9. off to om dokter’s house to ask for healthy letter. we talked almost the entire time im there lol. before u know it mom and dad’s done talking with grandma. om dokter shared some of his experiences in the past. and he said something about making your choice and living with it, and it will all have a meaning even if you might initially agonize about it. girl i was holding back tears. here he was talking about choices, something i never rly talk about at my house. im getting teary just typing this. he talked about it in a way that sounds simple, even though i agonized abt internship choices and sometimes avoid thinking about it. it rly rly was a new experience. i dont rly talk about “choices” with my parents. so hearing how to go through options in life from a person i can relate to regarding this med stuff is. i feel like i would have loved it if i can hear his wisdom earlier. i dont talk with him much if my parents are around bcs they will just meddle and say stuff that wreck my peace. they dont rly know what im going through but can be very opinionated. this peaceful one on one talk rly made me feel relieved and reassured. and i was today years old when i found out he initially wanted to be a psychiatrist. he would have been a great psychiatrist. i feel like we have some understanding thats left unsaid. like he knows how my parents are like. he would probably understand why i dont talk with him much at AR. after what feels super quick, we went back to AR. registered for STR. searched some literature for the topics that Prof is the moderator of. powered by matcha energy

21 - rscm as usual. the Prof did not come. lunch was bread i brought from home. waited for mom to pick me up at kfc so i bought pukis kfc. its like properly made pukis and not the street seller made ones. the chocolate one was good since the toppings generous. felt a bit feverish? like my body felt warm. fell asleep and then suddenly its 6 am in the morning.

22 - Prof still did not came. had amart’s ayam penyet jamur for lunch. turns out juan bought ayam geprek gendut for dinner. night time is diarrhea time lmaooooo. did not feel sleepy at AR but i skipped shower again lmao,,,,,,,, and then suddenly its morning again

23 - jajan from sisterfield today. tried their carrot cake and kopi susu gula aren. the carrot cake has that carrot texture. its different. the icing was fresh cream cheese that made the cake taste good. the coffee made my stomach ache a bit. it has that subtle chocolatey taste. fell asleep again. third time’s the charm (of 1x/day face wash). woke up at 3 am planning to sleep but i ended up washing my face. turns out atikah was still awake due to AZ fever.

24 - this is the bestest sleep i had in this week (?) had a dream about going to bandung and the car falling to water. forgot my headset today. can finally meet prof Mur. talked abt inaco stuff w agassi. reread komugi meruem lmaoo. felll asleep. somehow had the misfortune of hearing dad’s hurtful words to mom. i want to fall asleep again but its difficuly. i went through stages of pent up anger, some sort of selfishness (i will go out from jakarta for internship), amazement to mom, and... (continue 2moro)

25 - lunch was dori rice from kanprim thanks to rasyid’s jastip. watched bts’ butter norebang lolll :(((. arrived at AR the fastest ive been. mom came to me right before maghrib and summed some stuff dad said yesterday. she handled it in a trivial way. like she was unaffected. and that somehow helped me too. stuck around in the dining room for a while after maghrib. talked about internship w mom. i left some chance for dad to yap yap abt whatever related to internship (thankfully songs were full volume through my wireless headset) while im inhaling through my matcha latte. i wont write what he said bcs its lowkey super embarrassing. thank the gods for wireless speakers.

26 - did not do anything productive today. Had arirang salted egg for bfast (wont repurchase). Had the meat cubes i bought online and its rly good. Ran with racil at citra 6. The tendon in my left feet hurt lol. Gmeet with ara et al to discuss internship review

27 - lazed. Wanted to start my day early but couldnt bring myself to. Binge watched twoset videos. Did clires stuff. 1 more RM to wait from IRMIK. No gastro intern work this weekend aaaa im starting to panic.

28 - juan came along otw to rscm. Talked about iship otw. brought tons of stuff to eat, including matcha latte, but i was unable to finish it lol. Discussed research budgeting w Prof. Didnt do anything in home. Starting to panic with my ppt progress.

29 - discussed budgeting revision. Prof thought abt little details i didnt even consider. Didnt do anything while at ar anjengggg

30 - prof did not come to dept today. Listemed to agassi rambling abt intern stuff. Immediately opened my laptop in ar. Watched two set. Played marapets lmaooo i finally managed to gather 3 au for shop pricer. But still didnot wash my face 👁️👄🤦‍♀️ maybe bcs i hate doing what people tells me to do (re: shower due to covid scare). Had a nightmare abt being in a car ride alone w dad and it was rly rly awkward

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