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lebougie · 1 day
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m a r c h d u m p ; ✈️🤍
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terrorandtales · 9 months
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Microworlds and You…
I don’t dream of you often, but when I do, I feel as if you’re preparing me for something. Why did this time feel like a goodbye? Why do I feel like I won’t see you for a while? If not, ever again?
My mom and I drove for miles to reach this church on the side of a dark highway. It was a cold winter evening. Snow was piled up in the parking lot. Grey muddy slush covered the asphalt. I couldn’t place exactly how I was feeling, but I felt like I was preparing to walk into a funeral… We walked through these double doors into the dark church and passed by a great hall where mass was being held. Glowing of candlelight, maybe a midnight mass was being held. I walked down a narrow corridor that resembled our sleeping quarters at school. Each door I passed was open and warmly lit by one single candle.
As I’m writing this at this very moment, I’m remembering each fine detail, but as cold water splashed on one’s face to wake them I’m realizing this was your life celebration.
I’m seeing visions of the moment the people you loved so dearly said their goodbyes to you.
I remember walking into a room. Except it wasn’t a room, but a doorway into an outdoor space. The door frame resembled the outline of a room, a portal into a new Universe, but once I stepped through the world, it shifted into a place that I’d never seen before. Flashbacks to another time filled the space. Years before now. People were dressed in black. Some were celebrating different occasions. Life was moving on within this world. So many moments happening within this space. People I haven’t physically seen in ages whom I know have married, had kids, and entered different phases of their lives were scattered amongst the green pastures. It was all happening here. Life. I was sitting atop a grassy hill, cross-legged, or maybe with my knees to my chest. My head rested calmly on my crossed arms, which were gently hugging my knees. Taking it all in with each breath. Swaying side to side, witnessing all these private events that had dropped into this Universe. Your Universe. All these ephemeral snippets of life simultaneously pass us by. The people in these core memories couldn’t see what you and I were seeing.
You were visiting each loved one. Immersed in their realities. They couldn’t see you at all, but you were there spiritually. Holding them when they needed it most. Celebrating and cheering them on when warranted. Experiencing life amongst them as a ghost, a spiritual guide, giving all your love to each person you’ve loved so dearly. Life was moving on… without you physically, but you remained… moving between moments to share joy, laughter, sadness, and all that needed to be felt and held in those snippets of time.
As you moved from moment to moment, person to person, you started to fade. You looked tired. Your somber expression weighed upon your once jovial spirit. You looked like you aged… or what I imagined you to look at the age of 28…
It’s been nearly 6 years since we lost you. Since your last living breath escaped your once-smiling lips. You made a choice that broke our hearts and left us confused, afraid, and so incredibly sad. I’m reminded of your bravery and your wonderful smile. I can no longer hear your voice. When I close my eyes, I just see your smile and I hear the waves of those old Navy days.
I remember wanting to be swept away by the current. To dissolve into the tears of the Earth. I was too afraid to step into an unknown fate, so permanent. I was too afraid to leave behind the people I loved. I was so incredibly low. Screaming for help, but those screams couldn’t escape my lips. The cold night swallowed me. The stars shined brightly upon my tear-streaked face. I wanted an out of this life. From the stress and disappointment I felt, I couldn’t bear it. You, along with a few people, pulled me out of that darkness. I’d love to believe that even now you’ve helped to place beautiful people in my life who have recognized my darkness and helped to keep me tethered to the present moments of my life. Even in your waking days, you never knew of that night. Those nights, I drifted closer and closer to the shores of permanency. I knew you could feel my pain. You’d listen to me for hours. Make me smile and laugh. You truly were the sun to a lot of my darker days, and I never got the chance to properly thank you for our friendship. It didn’t hit me until a few days after hearing about your passing. I knew I had lost pieces of you along the way when our journeys went separate ways. Physically, you are gone, but we remain connected in different realms. Tethered together spiritually.
You exist in the ether. Supporting, loving, and caring for us all. Walking alongside us on our journeys. I want to say that I knew you felt my presence… Of course, you did. You brought me here. For a reason…
You allowed me to witness you being a part of all these precious moments. I sat patiently and watched in awe. Mystified by your grace.
Eventually, you made your way towards me. You walked up the mossy hill, and our eyes locked. I didn’t notice myself standing up and being pushed toward the door. You were lifting me and moving me with your gaze. Effortlessly, my body was being pulled back into my world and further from yours, from you. The gravity of my Universe pulling me back into my person, my soul. You couldn’t speak. You haven’t spoken to me in years. I haven’t heard your voice in so long, but your eyes, your eyes said it all… Tears fell from your sad eyes. You were pushing me out of your world, and I wanted to stay with you a little while longer, but I didn’t belong here. I begged you to stay with me for a moment more. We stood face to face. Our eyes never broke contact, and within the depths of your brown eyes, I saw our pain. Melodically intertwined. Blending within our worlds. I felt your loss all over again. Washing over me, between us, around our spirits. I was crying and asking you not to go. I hugged you, but it didn’t feel like I was holding you at all. I couldn’t feel you within my embrace. You didn’t feel human. I don’t know how to explain it exactly. I knew I was hugging and clinging to something that I needed to let go of. Something both foreign and familiar. Heavy and fleeting. Dispiriting eyes gazing into my tearful brown pools of sadness. My spirit was beyond the doorway. Taking in this moment. Seeing our embrace, us holding onto each other within the doorway of our Universes’. Time stood still, but only for a second, and as quickly as you came, you vanished within my grasp… The glimpse within your world melted away. Slowly dissipating before my eyes. All that was left was a dark room. Empty and hollow… I turned away, fresh tears falling from my dull eyes. I walked through the lonely, narrow hall, stepping within my reality. Peering into the once warmly lit rooms, and I saw our friends in pain. Hunched over in agony because of your loss. I kept walking until I passed the great hall. Stepped through the double doors of the church out into the frigid cold. My mom reappeared on the steps. Waiting for me. I was crying uncontrollably. Frantically searching for my car keys. Once I found them, I slid into the driver’s seat and wept. All my fears, disappointments, and traumas fell out of me. My shaky hands couldn’t start the car. My mom didn’t understand at all. She had not witnessed our moment. My moments of despair. She became frustrated and made me switch seats with her. I was in no condition to drive. I got out of the car and made my way to the passenger side. The air was cold. Each inhalation burned my lungs. The sky was as black as the hallowed room you once occupied. All was still, quiet and unbothered. I opened the passenger door. Climbed into the seat, took a deep breath, and woke from this dream. My sheets were pooled with sweat. My mind was disoriented… My body was exhausted from the trip… When my eyes opened all, I could see or wanted to see was your face.
The alarm rang… Time to get up… Time to keep living…
Was that your message to me? Keep living… The longer I think about your visit, the more I start to see our similarities… I have these moments in my waking life where I’m aimlessly drifting from moment to moment. Depression capturing the essence of my presence. I’m fading within reality, and I no longer want to live this way. I need to let go… Let go of the things that don’t bring me joy. Let go of the pain. Let go of the trauma. Let go of it all and step into my life. It’s not enough to be faded and ghostly amongst the living. Was this your message? Was this our final goodbye? Will I see you again? I’m not so sure, but I think this is a good start…
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iamrubykhan · 2 years
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For as much as I travel, I am always told nobody ever knows when I’m back home. 😂 My friends and family consistently tell me they have to try to catch me while they have the opportunity. I’m not always disappearing 🫥 guys, I’m always coming back home. I love NY too much to not come back. ……………………… There are so many things about NY that make it so dynamic. There is literally something happening every day - especially when it comes to food and entertainment. I must say though, I’m a huge foodie! I got lists of some of the hot spots in NYC to dine and boy do I take pride in my lists 🤣. Like this one: 🥘 The Fulton by Jean-Georges Some Fun Facts : ⏺ Michelin star 🌟 ⏺ Sea food restaurant 🐟 ⏺ Located in: 📍Pier 17, in lower Manhattan This place is beyond lovely. Aside from their notable cuisine, their true claim to fame is likely their waterfront views, facing the Brooklyn Bridge 🌉. I took my girl @withlovesophiella 💕 to brunch there when she came to visit NYC. The experience was 🔝 tier! Definitely a place you want to see when pulling through in NYC. #beyondeden🌺 . . . . . #nycbloggers #newyorkbloggers #nycprimeshot #what_i_saw_in_nyc #nyc_explorers #visitnyc #cornersofnewyork #nycityworld #SouthStreetSeaport #NYtimestravel #theblackexpeinceinNYC #pier17 #NYCgo #theblackexperience #thefulton #brooklynbridge #seafood #brunch #nycbrunch #newyorkarea #whyilovenewyorkcity #blackgirlstravel #blackgirlsblog #blackwomentravel (at The Fulton) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cj2sP7Qu4do/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
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nastybbyy · 3 years
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gg-the-introvert · 3 years
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#thoughts #thoughtful #mindset #change #mind #truth #observation #time #meaning #humble #power #control #growth #lifelesson #life #lesson #lessonlearned  #knowledge #lessonslearnedinlife #blackgirlsblog  #blackgirlmind #blackgirlmagic #growth #blackgirlswhoblog #growthmindset #elevate https://www.instagram.com/p/CRBlVEjByxbmvs9V4LMRfZXjrXcIysxzhCw4Bk0/?utm_medium=tumblr
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asriviva · 3 years
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I would like to NOT
Holy fuck buckets. I feel like this might be a mental breakdown happening. I could absolutely be going overboard, but I just.. it's just a lot. I have all of these thoughts rushing to me, and of course, that means I need to post to social media. I am just overwhelmingly emotional. I absolutely use humor to deflect what's really going on, but also need to make sure I stay strong through whatever I'm going through. It's almost like a manic episode of a million thoughts at once aka word vomit. The way that people are being traumatized all over the world, mainly people of color. How most of the time we don't hear about it until some hidden agenda needs to be addressed as if it hasn't existed this whole time. I am just tired, ( read exhausted). We are literally fighting for basic human rights, and there are literally people trying to justify why we shouldn't have them? The thought of people returning to work in the world right now is extremely overwhelming to me. I am at work right now and clearly should probably not be, but CAPITALISM. What can ya do? I'm really sad, and really tired. I am also concerned that maybe this is what takes me overboard. Is this what drives me to my limit?
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queen-ess · 4 years
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this pic was a serious diddy crop
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dmani1 · 3 years
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Yeah I'm pretty and he like dat ✨ . . . #locs #makeup #makeuplooks #juviasplace #womenwithlocs #blackgirlsblog #blackpodcaster https://www.instagram.com/p/CJ-DMnunPUN/?igshid=mxzkywniql8w
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2frochicks · 4 years
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🤎COFFEE ☕️ @nickysaysyolo • • • • FOLLOW ☕️ @2frochicksofficial 🤎 #sundayvibes✨ #happysundayeveryone #coffeelover #coffeeinthemorning blackgirlswhoblog #blackgirlsblog #browngirlswhoblog #blackinfluencers #melaninbloggers #blackgirlblogger #kellyrowland #kellyrowlandcoffee #brownskingirl #browneyes #brownskin #brownfro #kinkyafro #4cafro #4chair #4chairchick #2frochicks #blackgoddess #miamibloggers #explorepageready https://www.instagram.com/p/B_dL9JwJU7i/?igshid=1jynkknnmjx2v
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toyosionabamiro · 4 years
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youtube
Click on the link to check out my review of the new @patmcgrathreal #rosedecadence pallette with the #lipfetish in#belleamour! Enjoy! #newvideo #newvideoalert #melaninpoppin #supportblackbusiness #supportblackcreators #contentcreator #makeup #beauty #blackgirlmagic #beautybloggers #makeupartistsworldwide #colourpopmeblack
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moniqueyelias · 3 years
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lebougie · 1 year
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30th b’day festivities.
- selfLOVE day. 🎂
ariesszn
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terrorandtales · 1 year
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15 Minutes
I have big feelings. So many of them take up space in my heart and mind. They consume me from the inside out. When I look at you, they melt away slowly. When I cry out, unload, and worry myself into oblivion you listen calmly. You let me exist in the chaos because you know it’ll pass. You don’t always understand and know how to react, but you’re always here. That’s what means the most to me. Your presence. Your hand on my back. Rubbing away the anxiety. Your fingers getting lost in my curly hair and scratching away all the excess energy I don’t need. You help to soften my anxiety.
Meanwhile, I need to be better about hearing you too. Especially when you say no or don’t want to do something. I was triggered last night, well before you came to pick me up. My past has been playing footsies with my present, and yesterday I was feeling the weight of my fears. You were exhausted and just wanted to be back home. I appreciate you walking those fifteen minutes to get me. I didn’t want to be alone. I’m afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of someone taking me; of him taking me. Your presence calms me. Holds me steady and brings me peace. We were in two different bubbles last night. I was eager to fall into the safety of your presence and you were eager to get us back home quickly. I wanted to bring you inside to share you with everyone and you wanted to make a quick u-turn. In hindsight, I see where I missed the mark, and I apologize for not seeing your reality. I was so consumed in my own undoing that I didn’t empathize with your feelings. I ignored your request to leave because I was so excited to see you and, in some way, wanted to show you off to our friends. I was so thankful that you came to get me, and I explained the importance of your presence to the group. I also didn’t want to leave you outside because it was a bit nippily out, but I forgot you’re a Northman. The cold runs in your veins. You live for chilly spring evenings. So naturally, you became impatient and reacted with exhaustion.
“You’re so annoying.”
When you said these words, it truly hurt my heart. At that moment I felt like I became a burden to you. I was taken back to a different me. I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings. So, I fell into silence, and you let me be. You walked me to my favorite shop to buy food. You remained by my side and protected me on our walk home. You let me be so I could sit in my thoughts. Once we got home, I sat quietly. Consumed by this internal fight I was trying to win against my past self. Within that silence, I had some things I needed to sort through. At some point, I wanted to lash out and make you feel as badly as I felt. I knew that wasn’t how I wanted to be with you. So, I chose to remain silent. I knew I had grown from those past traits, but I felt ashamed for thinking about it.
Throughout the night I felt so guilty for my silence. Ashamed of what I thought was weakness. Meanwhile, your subtle touches reassured me and brought me back to reality. You never forced me to speak, but you remained by my side, all night. Tossing and turning I searched for you in my sleep. Waking to make sure you were still there. Feeling reassured that you remained close to me, and by the time the sun rose I was in your arms. Cuddling and needing your touch. I felt so silly for not holding you last night, but I realized in those moments you knew what I needed. You knew I needed space to work through this trigger. You didn’t know I was triggered, but you felt what I couldn’t articulate. You remained patient and kind.
This morning, we woke up together and started our morning routines. I turned to you and told you how I was feeling and that my feelings were hurt. Within those busy moments, you paused and looked me in the eyes. You apologized for how you communicated with me but explained why you felt the way you did. It was the most tender moment. I appreciated your grace and our safety within each other. We both admitted our feelings and extended our understanding toward one another. I’m sorry I didn’t empathize with your reality, honey. I’m sorry it took me a bit to realize it.
Now that I’ve had time to process these feelings and feel your reassurance, I’ve come to understand the deeply rooted wound that still aches. I’m afraid to be abandoned. I’m terrified of not being worthy of love, patience, or grace. By the grace of God, The Universe, Angels, and Guides you have been placed in my life. You see me. All of me. The darkest shades of my sadness and grief. You love me through it all, and we may not understand why we feel the way we do, but we listen to each other.
Love isn’t enough. I say this often because I’ve been a product of discarded love.
This right here… You showing up, extending your grace, patience, kindness, and friendship surpass the superficial façade of “love conquers all.” Love is the start, but the foundation we have built will carry us through a lifetime; God willing. I’m deeply appreciative of you. Your generous heart and willingness to meet me where I am presently. Thank you for seeing past my huge personality, wild curly fro, and bright smile. I know you appreciate those things, but I know I can’t hide from you, nor can you hide from me. You see through all the surface-level fluff and gaze deeply into my soul. You’ve settled into the softness of me. You help to heal the parts of me I’ve hidden from and struggled with for years. I know I’ll continue to struggle and heal, but I feel like I no longer need to feel alone. Even when I’m scared I know deep within that my soul, my spirit, my mind, and my heart are safe within your presence.
I cherish you and these tender moments. Thank you for speaking the language of my soul.
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I decided to write my blog because it was so many things I didn’t know. Things that would have made my transition smoother. Things that would have allowed me to be a Dr way before 29. . But I don’t want anyone to struggle when they don’t have too. I’m here to help, inform, and inspire individuals on their journey. . Real Talk with Dr. Bee covers topics about, higher education, business, and self-care. I give my readers real insight and real talk straight no chaser! . Oh you enjoy and stay tuned for what’s to come www.brittanyaholloman.com . #drbee #realtalkwithdrbee #blackbloggers #blackwomenwhoblog #blackgirlsblog #blackdoctors #blackwomenphds #blogger #bloggerlife #hsvbloggers (at Huntsville, Alabama) https://www.instagram.com/p/CBWn85VpXVu/?igshid=2yqwr1j17y7x
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pinkrucha · 4 years
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msxmoons · 4 years
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M E S S Y — It doesn’t have to be perfect. We’re just gonna show up and enjoy the messy, imperfect and beautiful journey of our life ✨
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