#at a weird point where he/him makes me feel dysphoric but in a different but equal way than she/her does

[brothersonahotelbed]

kind of. thinking about putting he/him pronouns away on a shelf for a later time when i can truly embrace masculinity without feeling like im pretending at it.

#this Might involve picking a new & less traditionally masculine name to go by for the time being #idk #going on T is not going to be possible for me till i move out and bitch thats not going to happen for at least 2 more years #at a weird point where he/him makes me feel dysphoric but in a different but equal way than she/her does

[genderflu1dwh0r]

Dysphoric (I could barely focus while writing this)

When Tori walked into school, she didn't look very like herself, she had a blank stare, she was wearing a black hoodie and some grey sweatpants. Her usual bright doe eyes were dark, filled with sadness and dread. Beck, was the first one to point it out, making the others look over. "Hey Tor, everything alright?" He asked, leaning off of the locker above his. Tori just hummed as a response and made it over to her locker. Jade raised her brows, taking this chance to make a snarky comment. "Woah, you don't look too good, Tori." She said following her, coffee in hand, smirk in place. Tori ignored her, unlocking her locker and opening it, putting some books away inside. Jade didn't like being ignored, she stepped closer, tilting her head. "Awe, is someone upset?" She teased, going wide eyed when Tori grabbed her coffee from her and threw it across the hall.

The group backed away a step or two, Jade stayed in place, glaring at her. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" She raised her voice, getting in Tori's face. Tori's eye twitched, her jaw clenching. Jade got a little worried, her expression turning from anger to concern. She took a step back, biting her tongue. "Forget it." She mumbled before looking back at her coffee all over the hallway floor, she now really needed that coffee, knowing it would be a long day. Andre stepped over with a concerned face. "Hey, uh- did you finish your part of the project we had?" He asked, trying to change the topic. Tori looked at him, frowning a bit. "No, but I can probably finish it if I go to the library for first period." She said shutting her locker, sighing softly.

Andre nodded, smiling. "Totally good, if you need my help, I can go with you." He said trying to comfort her, Tori looked at him, nodding. "Thanks, but I got it." She said walking off, turning the corner. "Now what the actual fuck was that?" Beck asked, smiling a bit at how weird that situation was. Everyone interrupted each other, saying "I don't know" in different variations. Jade sighed. "I needed that coffee." She said pouting. Beck patted her shoulder. "I'll get you a new one." He said walking away, doing a thumbs up when Jade yelled "Two sugars". The day went on, when they got to Mr. Sikowitz class, they all sat down. Tori was the only one not there on time, Sikowitz got to class before her. "Where is Tori?" He asked, jumping on to the stage, throwing his bag against where the wall and floor met.

Everyone shrugged, not knowing. Jade had her new coffee in her hand, she sipped from it before speaking. "She has been acting weird today, she fucking threw-" "Jade, language." Sikowitz interrupted. Jade rolled her eyes, continuing. "She threw my coffee down the hall, Beck got me a new one, but still." She said sighing, turning her head with the rest of the class as the door opened. Tori walked in, sitting in a chair at the back. Mr. Sikowitz crossed his arms, stopping his movements. "Tori, you're late." He spoke, watching the girl who just came in. "I know." Tori said crossing her arms, not looking up at anyone. Sikowitz very quickly furrowed his brows, feeling something was very wrong. "Alright, we'll talk after class." He clapped his hands, making everyone look at him. "Anyway-" Class went on, Tori not interacting with anyone.

After class, Tori stayed back, Sikowitz making the others leave. He jumped off of the stage, grabbing a chair by her and sitting in it. Tori didn't look up, keeping her eyes on the ground. "Tori, what's wrong? Jade told me you threw her coffee, you showed up late, you didn't interact with anyone in class today." He spoke softly, watching her. He could see the cogs turning in her head as her face changed into a frown, her eyes filling with tears. She really tried to speak but could only let out a quiet sob, everything felt too much. Sikowitz frowned, feeling really bad for this girl. "I just-" Tori started, sniffling. "I don't feel comfortable in my body today, I didn't want to get out of bed." She choked a bit, trying to stop herself from crying too hard. She was dysphoric, she tried her best to change her appearance, her parents and sister were accepting, she had managed to voice her concerns from a young age. Everything was almost perfect, but some days were just harder than others.

Sikowitz listened, nodding, letting her talk. Tori managed to get her crying under more control, she cleared her throat, sniffling. "Some days are just not easy." She spoke, grabbing her bag from the ground. "Can I leave now?" She asked, not looking him in the eyes. Sikowitz nodded, patting her shoulder. "Yeah, kid. If you need to talk or be listened to, I'm here." He said softly, quickly turning his head to the window when he heard a noise. There stood Jade, Cat, Beck, Andre, and Robbie, they were worried for their friend, they couldn't just leave Tori alone. Sikowitz walked over to the window, he genuinely upset. "Hey, I told you kids to leave so Tori and I could talk, I find it very disrespectful that you can't listen to simple instructions." He scolded, making the group frown. "All I asked for was one on one time to talk to Tori and none of you can listen to that. Leave. Now." He demanded, making the group quickly scatter.

He turned to see Tori leaving the class, he sighed softly before going back on the stage. Tori walked quickly to her locker, not caring who she ran into. She unlocked her locker and started to pull out the books she needed. The group slowly made their way over to her, Tori ignored them, trying to focus on her books. Cat was the first to speak, stepping closer. "Hey Tori, are you going to have lunch with us?" She asked, flinching when Tori slammed her locker. Tori stared at her now shut locker, nodding. "Sure, why not?" She said looking over. "Why shouldn't I have lunch with people who don't respect boundaries?" She said walking off, Jade quickly grabbed her wrist, dragging her back. "Hey, we- they... were worried about you..." She muttered, looking into Tori's eyes, coffee in hand. Tori chuckled, but there was no humor in it. "Yeah, alright." She said glaring at Jade.

Jade sighed, trying to protect her image of being cold and mean, but also trying to help Tori. She gave up on that when Tori started to shake, she couldn't help but pull her into a hug. Tori pressed her face into Jade's shoulder as she held on to her. The goth rubbed her back, softly hushing the girl in her arms as she cried. Beck gently took Jade's coffee so she wouldn't drop it. The two held on to each other, Jade running a hand through brown waves. It felt like hours, before Trina interrupted them. "Woah- what is happening?" She asked, making her way down the staircase. Jade glared at her, making Trina even more concerned. "Hey, I'm her sister, let me fucking know what happened." She demanded, looking at the others. Robbie sighed softly before speaking. "Tori is having a bad day, like, a really bad one." He mensioned.

Trina watched the two, nodding slowly. "Tori, do I need to drive you home?" She asked, Tori sniffled, pulling away from Jade. "Yeah." She said softly, ignoring everyone and heading towards the front doors. She walked out and Trina followed quickly. Jade stood there, staring at the now closed doors, frowning. Beck handed her her coffee, patting her shoulder. "You did really good, Jade. Good job." He said softly before putting his hands in his pockets. Jade held her coffee with both hands, standing there for a few more seconds before quickly leaving.

#victorious #jade west #tori vega #jori #beck oliver #cat valentine #andre harris #robbie shapiro #sikowitz #jamie writes

[gothamslostboy]

Matchmaking for The Lost Boys for me???

Physical appearance: I have dark brown/black hair that nearly goes down to my neck, brown eyes and i have little small earrings. Idk how else to describe my appearance sorry

Style: I usually wear more comfortable clothes like hoodies and baggy pants. I also wear some band shirts. But if I really have to dress up, leather jacket

Favourite food: I'm not picky when it comes to food but if I had to pick a favourite, fried chicken sushi, especially with soy sauce

Gender preference: I like all genders so I don't really mind but I do lean mostly more to men

1-2 hobbies: I like to draw and practise playing my drums. I find it all fun!

Music tastes: Rock and metal all the way. It's just the best music out there in my opinion

Favourite animal: Now this is a weird one but it's a tie between tigers and axolotls. I don't know why but I like them

Favourite movie/genre: For my favourite movie, it's a rough tie between This is Spinal Tap and Bill and Ted. For my favourite genre, comedy, you just gotta have a laugh sometimes

1-2 personality traits: I'm usually pretty quiet but much more talkative when you get to know me. I'm also basically the peacemaker type

Gender: I'm male (ftm)

Zodiac sign: Sagittarius

1-2 traits you look for in partner: I want someone who's like affectionate and likes similar things. It's just my type

A/N:Hey dude! This too way to long for me to post and I’m sorry, hope you can still find it

I SHIP YOU WITH…

Dwayne:] you two have plenty of things in common and your differences complement eachother very well

He’ll ask to borrow one of your earrings, and give you one of his as a subtle way to let others around Santa Carla know you’re both spoken for. He adds a painting of a tiger to the other sleeve of his jacket as well, but that’s more to help with him missing you while you guys are separated. He asks for your permission to paint his favorite animal on your jacket, but if you prefer to have it plain he steals you a hoodie and paints it on there

He himself wears mostly hoodies and baggy pants (his preference is sweats) when lounging around the cave, unless it’s a night he feels like being shirtless, and leaves them around hoping you’ll decide to wear one. (He doesn’t want to ask you straight up, he wants it to be something you do yourself) if you guys share the same taste in bands, which given your music taste I’d say you do, he takes two matching shirts in your guy’s sizes after every concert he sees

He listens to you playing drums everytime you play, which eventually leads to you guys forming a band with Paul(he plays guitar while Paul sings)

One of his favorite date ideas is recreating each other’s previous drawings, though other than this the only art experience he has is painting clothes. He keeps every piece of art you’ve given him in a binder and guards it like it’s a million dollars

He’s a supportive person to lgbtq+ in general, so he knows how to help you. Whatever you want to do he’s there to help. Want to start hormones? He’s making you a list of every specialist in California and helping narrow it down, same with top surgeons. If you’re feeling dysphoric he does whatever he can to relieve you of some of it. Even though hes not normally a big words of affirmation guy, he tells you how handsome you are whenever he realizes you’re struggling. Also points out your masculine features and compliments them.

When you first meet it is a little awkward, both of you are quiet around people you don’t know, but once you warm up to each other there’s never a moment where you two struggle in a conversation with each other. There are still many times you guys sit in a comfortable silence though.

It’s not his favorite genre, but he does enjoy comedies, especially if it means he gets to see you laughing and enjoying yourself. He spends more time watching you than he does the movie tbh

#the lost boys #matchmaking #matchmaking you #shipping you #glb match making #tlb #anonymous requests #tlb 1987 #anonymous match making #the lost boys 1987 #the lost boys dwayne

[interwebois]

Dissociative Identity Disorder/ Other Specified Dissociative Disorder

In October of 2022 watching Moon Knight because Cinema Therapy did a video about it saw a bit and was like well I have Disney plush and its Oscar Isaac, (Poe) so let’s watch it. Little did I know our life will change after that. I Alice don’t remember watching Moon Knight the first time or watching The Making of before watching the Series. The only think I Alice remember is episode 2 but it’s a 3rd person prospective. I remember right before and after watching the series and for 2 weeks having non stop panic attacks and not know why. Some of the thoughts I do remember like, “this happens to me all the time”, “Other people experience this” “I don’t have DID because I don’t have Amnesia but other than that it’s all relatable” “This is how I experience being Trans or having an OCD voice” (being Trans is real what I’m referring is the body looking like someone else and me thinking that’s what it meant to be Trans, only time feeling Dysphoria) and searching “Is it possible to have DID and no Amnesia” “Is it possible to be Autistic and have DID” “How Steven and Marc interacts with each other, well that’s too relatable” “Have to show this to my mom because I can finally explain what I experience” watching DID channels to look more into it and every video, every article, every post. The more and more I read, the more and more was like umm “So all those weird things that happens, and I don’t tell anyone even my therapist at that time because If I say it out loud what’s happing they will think I’m weird and the fact that we brushed it off all as having Autism, other people experience theses, what?” but still being like “I don’t have this because I don’t have Amnesia” (Later in November finding out OSDD-1b and still being like nah TW: my trauma isn’t that bad, now knowing more about it and being like that happened what ohh:) and in October started to look like Steven Grant and me being like “Well this is normal, It’s the phase where I look like someone else”, (because this happens with different people) it happened in July of 2022 with Neal Caffrey from White Collar, felt like was about to happen but didn’t (Now we understand that Steven is either was a Fragment that turned into an Alter as he was figuring out his identity or he was an Alter but didn’t really identify with a particular look yet and was trying figure himself out, because this reminds me especially of high school, well I couldn’t control what I was saying when getting excited (but now with a British Dialect, which I Alice can not control, or feeling things for guys but at the same time not since young) and it happened with Isaac Kalder in high school and he was the first Alter that I Alice was able to see and similar things happens with him, rewatching The Devil Inside and My Virtual Escape from McJuggerNuggets on YouTube later after knowing DID/OSDD being like “Oh my, did not realize, how much Isaac was Passive Influencing us” Literally how he talked, walked, songs that he listened to how he handled his depression or when someone triggered him. In 2019 I Alice feel bad about this now, threw all of the clothes that he bought (except one), stopped listening to songs that he liked, stoped watching TDI and MVE (even though gave us comfort) because was like every time I look like him. I’m sad, I feel dysphoric, I want to look like him, to the point I Alice was forgetting what the body looked like and forgot the body’s biological gender or forget that Alice is a thing, depression, which caused him to go dormant until 2021 where I started to hear him from the inside but with his voice) (Sorry🙁). and also TDI is like an accidental representation of DID because I remember now rewatching (the first time I Alice do not have those memories just remember right before and after, when TDI was out but not MVE, just like Steven absorbed those feelings) TDI when the split happened because a lot of stressful thing happened at that time, being like well I can relate to Jesse because he switches with his characters that he has from his childhood and can’t control what’s happening.

And in December still not think I have OSDD-1b but thinking maybe I’m just really autistic so I don’t understand my emotions at all, “Is there any similarities between TDI/MVE and Moon Knight” and the amount of things that are similar was like “wtf”, and later rewatching Moon Knight and getting told why they related to Moon Knight other than the DID symptoms and well yeah. The amount of things in Moon Knight that tides into our childhood is actually astounding especially Steven, which make sense, when watching a movies, series your brain lights up the same way as if it were happening, (TW: my leading theory before I knew this was a thing was, the stuff that happened when younger that’s how we reacted, felt and those same brain frequencies were getting turned on:)

Difference and similarities

btw there are other Alters just talking about Isaac and Steven and well Alice/Ashla.

Isaac Kalder

Similarity: Identifies like 90% with his source

Difference: His age is 19 and the source he’s 18, I think it’s because I Alice always wanted an older brother and now the body is 19 so he’s like a month older, I always saw him as an older brother even before knowing about the System)

Steven

Similarity: Identifies with the look, name, dialect, how he carries himself, body cadence, just more romantic (finding these thing along the way being like why do you do that, I guess that’s a different thing from your source that’s cool and rewatching it being like oh that’s where that quality cam from)

Difference: He’s more like Episode 5 when Steven (MCU) is comforting Marc and now he’s more confident in himself, basically after Season 1. It’s like instead of (TW warning: the trauma that happened to Marc, Steven and Jake it’s replaced with what happened to us. also he’s a Subsystem (For us an Alter in a Alter) mostly because of flashback that happened fair recently and yeah, all those flashback kind of went to Steven and he kind of split with Llewyn Davis from Inside Llewelyn Davis, that was confusing when it was happening, now Steven is more bi they kind of passive influence each other sometimes but when triggered Steven kind of goes inside and Llewyn kind of comes out. DEPRESSION, Steven and Llewyn are kinda figure things with Isaac where if Llewyn feels more the same way which when the split happened Llewyn did absorb the liking guys thing more:) (our Steven is more Romantic I guess the feeling of love)

Alice/Ashla (Biological Female but doesn’t really identify with that mostly so I guess I’m Non-Binary, still figure things out, I do like woman though no question about that)

Love Star Wars and Moon Knight and Disney and McJuggerNuggets content. It’s rare for me to feel like Alice but when I do it feels weird, higher voice etc so kind of go by Ashla just like that name mostly because it’s a SW thing.

It make sense that we have a lot of fictives, Autism and because of it have hard time connecting with people and understand peoples actions and only able to relate, and understand fictional characters, or since younger only having emotional comfort from fictional characters, and love everything about film from filming it, acting, voice acting editing, sound design and want to do those things we want to do, we all like different aspects of the Film process

Consent forms:

Alice/Ashla: I agree to publish this

Steven/Llewyn: Yeah sure. We agree to this s***

Isaac: Okay

#did alter #osdd system #fictive #mr knight #introject #otherwise specified dissociative disorder #system things #insidellewyndavis #other specified dissociative disorder #did osdd #osdd 1b #dissociative identity disorder #system fictive #plural system #did #steven grant #steven grant of the gift shop #autism #autistic system #mcjuggernuggets #Isaac Kalder #dissociation #moonknight #Youtube

[twilight-blaze]

having a lot of weird gender feelings today and needed to get them out. not sure if I'll hit post on this one. messy and disorganized personal thoughts follow

today is a masc-leaning day for me, which has happened before but it's somewhat uncommon

or I thought it was uncommon, anyway. more than once I've realized my gender is more fluid than I'd previously been aware of, and it's entirely possible this is just another case of that, and my hesitation to explore my agab might be making it harder to notice? which is something I'm still trying to unpack; I spent ten years as a trans woman (and some days still consider myself to be one) and having my transness called into question for not being feminine enough and especially for being masculine in any way unfortunately comes with the territory, and that sort of thing sticks with you

and like. the way I've personally conceptualized my gender fluidity for the past year or two is as two separate components: what my gender is at any given point, and how strong that sense of gender is. most of the time nowadays it's usually not very strong (and that can make it hard to know where I am on the gender side of things), but there have been times where I know damn well I want fuck all to do with gender that day, or days where I feel just as strongly about being a woman. there have also been days where I don't have a strong sense of gender but it definitely leans masculine

and as it turns out, there's also days like today, where it's not only a masc-leaning day, but I have a strong sense of gender about it

and that is definitely uncommon for me

I tend to favor a feminine presentation most of the time, even when I'm strongly not feeling any sort of gender, but there have been occasions where that makes me uncomfortable and dysphoric. either I'll wake up and realize I'm not feeling that look that day, or it'll sneak up on me in the middle of the day, or, rather, slowly come on over the course of an hour or two until I finally realize that the sense of discomfort I'm feeling is dysphoria from the skirt I'm wearing or something. (I am not good at recognizing my emotions)

today's definitely the former, where I knew right away, there's just more of it. it wasn't hard to tell at all; in some ways it's a really familiar feeling—I'm well acquainted with dysphoria after all—but I will say it is incredibly strange to be feeling dysphoric about my chest after spending nearly three years on HRT to make me less dysphoric about it. it's happened a few times before, but never intensely like this

masc nicknames usually bother me too, even when my gender isn't particularly feminine, and even on previous masc-leaning days they're more neutral than anything, so my usual request has just been that people don't use them for me at all

today they feel downright euphoric

so I think it's not just a masc-leaning day but a full-on guy day for me. and that's. not something I really know what to think about? because I don't think I've had one of these—or at least I didn't notice it if I did—for literally almost thirteen years. oh, and I would've still thought I was cis at the time. anyway.

but the tricky thing, and this is the part I'm not sure what I do about, is my pronouns and also my name? because like. if I change them again, won't I just want to change them back when my gender feels different again? that said, even what I use right now, both of which were specifically chosen because of a lack of clear gendered associations, doesn't quite feel right.

I've changed my pronouns a lot since I first came out as trans, but I haven't once used he/him since then. out of curiosity I tried that today, while talking about myself in third person, and. it felt fine. felt right, even. it didn't have the same euphoria as, say, the first time I switched pronouns, but it does feel better than xe/xem right now. (which is also weird, because using xe/xem for the first time just clicked in a way pronouns never really had for me before.) and like, I could change my pronouns with the day, or the moment if my gender decides to do something else partway through the day (it wouldn't be the first time), but. that is effort. and it's not like xe/xem feels wrong but actually on second thought, yeah, it kind of does feel wrong. fuck.

and I'm having the same problem with even the gender neutral nickname I've been using, it's just not. I don't fucking know. still mine, not right, doesn't fit the gender

so I've previously changed my name twice (two and a half times, in a way), and both my chosen names were specifically girl names on account of strongly seeing myself as a trans woman at the time, though the second time I had the sense to pick something with a gender-neutral nickname. and then started going solely by that nickname? which was a pretty big clue about some aspects of my gender I still hadn't thought about at the time. but. just like the pronouns, gender neutral doesn't feel right. not today, not with this gender

something does, though, somehow despite the fact that I haven't been okay with that name since before my fucking egg cracked. but I don't think I want to go by that name to other people, even if it does feel right. even if nothing else does. because I know that some point in the future when my gender's different again, I'd hate the idea that more people knew my birth name

there's no good option here, because what else do I do? not go by anything at all today? go by a name that feels off to me when I hear or see it?

apart from the words issues, though, this is really just a whole lot of new flavors of a bunch of thoughts and emotions I know I've had before. am I overthinking things here? almost certainly yes, but that's kind of the point, since this is pretty much just me needing to put a familiar-yet-unfamiliar experience into words so I can get my thoughts straightened out

I think it's helped

anyway, that's where my brain's been at today

#ash.txt #I was expecting maybe 10% of this when I started writing out my thoughts #but it turns out gender is complicated! who knew? #this is very much just stream of consciousness where I just follow one thought to another #and not an attempt at a cohesive or thoughtful post

[what-if-nct]

also as a skinny person i’d read that fanfic in a heartbeat not because i like to see fat people suffer but because it’s something different from what i normally read and i love it.

if i have to pick between two jonghyun fanfics where one is a normal, kdrama-like story and the other where the plus sized reader literally suffocates and killed him after accidentally rolling into his side of the bed, i’d definitely pick the plus sized reader. at least it would make me feel much better about my ass since i hated how big it looked 😭

i think it’s because i could see myself in these fics, despite not even being plus sized myself. i think a great story is about connecting people together and seeing that we could all relate to each other in different ways, just like how “Turning Red” was like. I may not be Chinese, female identifying or even 13, but it was the fact that i could relate to the other things that makes her, her. like the obsession with 4Town was just like how i was with SHINee, i could understand the talk because… i went through it and yes it did made me feel a little dysphoric the way the mom said it and especially the whole point of the film where her family expects her to be a certain way by (in this case) removing that red panda off herself.

not me turning this into a vent about how much i love stories like this lol

I think despite not fitting into the description of the reader sometimes a story is just really entertaining and feels more relatable then a kdrama-y one and i love unusual and weird stories, they're the best one. Like theres a lot of usual fanfic themes that i don't like but fucking Yuta while he's in clown make up? sign me up. I also love stories with a snarky tone to it, one of my absolute favorites is a stray kids hybrid series written for a plus size reader, i love it so so much, it's so good. also i can only read smut one shots, cause my attention span sucks but here's one of them 🌸🌸🌸 I love this so much. And you know a story is a great story when everyone can identify and see themselves in the characters like with turning red.

[kelinkysama]

how kurapika turned me enby

(Because it’s Pride Month, I want to ramble, and I think it’s a good story)

Okay so, Kurapika didn’t actually turn me into a gender liquid, but he’s the character that made me realize I was genderfluid. I also ID as genderqueer, nonbinary, and transmasc. Well sorta, “transmasc” ebbs in and out. They all overlap a fuck ton anyway.

I started IDing this way about a year ago. In case my Tumblr blog hasn’t made this clear, Hunter x Hunter is a huge hyperfixation of mine right now, and I was in the middle of rewatching it back then. This made it fresh on my mind. I wound up having a dream one night where I was Kurapika, but the whole plot of the dream’s irrelevant here. Mostly it just made me wake up thinking a lot about the edgy femboy.

For whatever reason, I started wondering whether there were any fandom headcanons about Kurapika being trans. At the time, I thought Kurapika was 19, so it seemed weird to me that in numerous different iterations of the show, he was voiced exclusively by women. Dub and sub, in both the 1999 and 2011 anime. Like, surely he’d be voiced by a dude at least once, right? I mean, he’s a grown adult, not a teen. (Well, this was an error on my part, but the mistake got me thinking.)

Mind, I didn’t actually think Togashi had any intention of making Kurapika trans. But maybe there were fandom headcanons about this? So I looked it up that morning, found out there were, and eventually fell down the fanfic rabbit hole. One of the ones I found, and really liked, was this soft story about him binding for too long, then Leorio chews him out and patches him up. It was sorta edgy, lots of dysphoric brooding and whatever, but I still liked it. It also made me ask myself, “Would I like wearing a binder?”

After that, I fell in a deeper rabbit hole. The “gender hole” or something. I thought wearing a binder sounded cool. Though this is funny thinking back on now, since I own a binder and don’t wear it much because I’m not really prone to top dysphoria (my boobs are small so pretty ignorable most of the time... and also squishy which I like).

Anyway. I started researching stuff like HRT and reassignment surgery, found a lot of stuff that was euphoric and a lot of stuff that sounded scary (mostly surgery). Things like facial hair, having squarer features, a deeper voice, coarser body hair, etc. sounded fucking amazing though. Of course medical stuff wasn’t the only thing I thought about. Wearing masculine clothing, being called a boy and “he/him” sounded really incredible too.

And then, to press this point, after talking to a friend I went out with her to the mall to buy clothes. I remember finding a plaid flannel button-down at an Old Navy, and trying it on in the changing room with some dude khakis. And like... I came to this realization that for like, my whole damn life, I’ve always looked in the mirror and not really associated the person there with me, like I’d been shunted into the body of some random-ass NPC. But in that moment, this did look like me, and it felt like me.

That’s not to say I never have these doubts anymore. I say I’m genderfluid, and not a trans guy, because there are times when female is okay. And there are also times when “male” isn’t okay. My gender’s more this Cthulhian horror than any one thing, and that makes expressing it frustrating for me. It seems weird that one day a thing can make me so fucking comfortable, and the next it’s horrible and I hate it.

I sometimes hear people say that enbies don’t experience gender dysphoria. This is just blatantly untrue. For me though, dysphoria stems from being locked into one gender than anything else. I feel like for me, my sex fluctuating is what’s most natural. Like being able to wake up and choose between masculine and feminine body features, or else getting to mix and match them. Making shit up. Being shit that doesn’t exist. Toeing the line of androgyny with my anatomy, things like that.

Unfortunately for me, that’s not actually possible. The gods have placed me in a single body that is -- for the most part -- unchanging, and in consequence, most of the people I know will only ever see me as that one thing. I genuinely don’t hate being born female and again, sometimes that’s what feels most natural. I firmly believe if I’d been born male, I’d feel the exact same way: happy with my body sometimes, frustrated with its immutability others. Female is a part of me, but when it’s the only part that’s recognized, it can be disheartening. There are many other important parts of myself I want to share with people, too.

Anyhow uhhhhh that’s my dumb gender rant. Currently inb4 I’m on testosterone and gain the ability to shapeshift :PP

#kurapika #hunter x hunter #hxh #genderfluid #personal #rant #gender dysphoria #archive

[jsandrs]

if i'm completely honest i've felt a little out of place while pregnant. like it's something i've dreamt about since a young age and is obviously a complicated thing bc it doesn't align with how i identify, and it evolved from me being attracted to other people being pregnant, to liking the idea of being pregnant myself and it's just a complex thing but it's complicated now that i am pregnant too. it goes between feeling very warm inside to feeling pretty yucky and i think it's partially dysphoria since it doesn't align with my identity. like a good example of me feeling both simultaneously is with ryan's family. his mom is SO excited to have a grand baby. ryan is an only child and he's almost 40, and his parents have said repeatedly they never thought they'd ever have any grandkids, so they're both really excited and happy and his mom especially is always like super into talking to her and of course, touching my belly a lot. she doesn't do it without permission or anything and i am happy to allow her to do that especially because she is respectful of me and treats me exactly how i'd like to be treated but there's something about it afterwards that makes me feel off. like almost like part of me feels like i'm not passing at all bc i'm pregnant but i know i do pass still and everybody in my life literally treats me the same as they did before, which is how i want to be treated. so it's like i get really happy and feel proud and loved but then after i get a weird feeling. idk. i knew it would be complicated but being in the throes of it is different than just thinking about it. im at a point now where i'm really excited to get bigger bc 1. it turns me on and 2. it means we are closer to meeting our baby, but simultaneously i'm afraid that i won't actually enjoy it as much as my mind does.

a positive is that i don't really ever feel dysphoric with ryan. like when he touches my belly or we talk about me being pregnant, i don't feel bad at all, i'm also very transparent with him about all of this so he knows that i need reassurance and like extra support so he gives me that, he always says i'm going to be a great dad, i'm a strong daddy for carrying her, etc, and that does help because it better aligns with how i feel. so maybe it's just something i have to get over or come to terms with. especially because we've talked about having another baby but obviously we won't get ahead of ourselves and see how we do with just one lol but idk rn i'm feeling pretty good about everything but i know i'm about to hit a growth spurt so i'm thinking more about it.

#js talking

[laurents-laces]

Notes on Pacat's livestream for this month! It's not a complete summary but you can watch the video on instagram if you missed it. I'm starting with one quote that I thought was important and the rest will be divided by fandom/topic. The part that's under the cut isn't spoilery, it's just cut to keep the post shorter.

“So I use she/her and he/him pronouns. And I guess just to speak really honestly about where I’m at with gender stuff, I identify as genderqueer- at least that’s the term I use when I’m asked publicly about this- but the truth is that, like a lot of people who are not cisgender, I struggle a lot with gender dysphoria. I’m probably trans masculine and it means that in a lot of ways the pronouns decision can feel very fraught for me. When you’re dysphoric, you know, sometimes even thinking about what your pronouns are can be a little bit traumatic. I absolutely love this new era where we are asking people their pronouns and people are free to have whatever gender expression they want. But for me I guess I choose “he” and “her” both together because it alleviates something of that dysphoric pressure for me. But I’m equally fine with either of those. So I just go with the flow there.”

Fence Comic:

Fence volume five is not supposed to be announced yet at all but it’s in the works. Pacat has already seen some of Johanna’s art for it and he feels like she’s gone to a new level with this volume. Pacat is excited for volume five because the boys’ storylines are really starting to take off

Pacat’s favourite Haikyuu character is Kageyama because he likes that character type that appears in nearly every sports drama. Seiji is that same character type. (There’s a character from Hikaru no Go that he compares to Seiji too but I didn’t catch the name)

Fence is written in a “shounen level up” structure

Pacat wants to read The Foxhole Court because it’s a seminal m/m romance and a lot of people brought it up after Fence got published, but he’ll probably wait until after Fence is done because he doesn’t want to be influenced by any similarities

Captive Prince:

We’ll find out what The News is “soon”

The Laurent’s hair debate is funny because his hair length is described in the books, but nobody cares about Damen’s hair length even though it isn’t described at all

There’s going to be a Japanese box set for capri in December, it looks spectacular

The funny thing about the Japanese version is that when capri was first published, western publishing didn't know what to do with it. It was published as a different genre in every country. But Japan was like “this is a BL light novel.” That's exactly what it is, you've nailed it Japan. Pacat loves the Japanese covers

Capri got a lot of weird western covers because people didn't want to telegraph that the book was gay. The Brazilian covers look like such a male het dude fantasy, and the Australian cover is so enigmatic that you can't tell what it's about. One time at Comic Con there were a lot of US marines there, and they came over to Pacat’s booth and picked up captive prince. Pacat could tell that the cover wasn't telling them everything they needed to know.

About why Laurent didn’t ever get help from Kempt: What Pacat tried to do with the map in capri was make Kempt so inaccessible through the Great Northern Forests that it was hard to get help from them in time, but that's a bit of a questionable part of the plot

Pacat’s pronunciation of Laurent’s name isn’t the most accurate because no one in Akielos and Vere is saying it with an Australian accent, so you really want to get a French person to pronounce it

Pacat might change his mind at some point, but the story of capri is complete for the moment. He likes stories that have an end. Additional material can act as a series killer when the story overstays its welcome

Pacat learned a lot about the structure of the hero's journey while writing capri. He thought it was a really easy, simple structure but it's actually really hard and unforgiving. If you mess up a single step the story feels broken

Captive Prince has elements of a hero's journey but really the A plot is a romance. Pacat did his best with the hero’s journey in Dark Rise but it was a huge learning curve, it was the hardest thing by far about writing the book

Dark Rise:

The Dark Rise trilogy is completely planned out, Pacat knows what will happen down to the last word

Book two will delve more deeply into the past, history and backstories of the characters; we're gonna learn a lot more about the old world. The romance will be explored a little more deeply. It's more “on page gay” than book one. Pacat is two thirds of the way through writing the manuscript. The book doesn’t have a release date yet but the manuscript is due in June

It’s been hard to get Dark Rise in the UK because they have to import the books, but Harpercollins US just agreed to do full distribution to the UK so Dark Rise should be in stores there soon

Dark Rise is in its second printing in the US and Australia but if you pre-ordered you'll get a first edition even if you haven't received the book yet. There have been a lot of COVID-related shipping delays

Pacat chose the names Will and James in two different ways. The first way was that he looked at a lot of censuses from the 1800s because he wanted to choose names people would actually have had, and the two most popular boys' names were Will and James. A lot of people tell him that the two main characters in Clockwork Princess have the same names. He hasn't read that series because it's set in the same time period as Dark Rise and he doesn’t want to be influenced by it but he wonders if Cassandra Clare chose their names the same way he did

The second reason for their names was that Pacat had something to say about pastoral English fantasies. We're so colonized by the idea of Englishness, England is the cultural true North. Australia doesn't have a lot of typical fantasy things like a medieval period, a cold north, a thick forest, castles, sieges, or walls. Those things don’t resonate with Australians but they're still colonized by those ideas. Those books taught what a hero was and Dark Rise is a push back against all of that. Those heroes are always called Will, it's a heroic name. “I wanted to take that Will and *smiles and makes a ripping apart motion with his hands*”

Pacat pronounces Sarcean like Sar-see-en but readers are free to choose the pronunciation they like best because it's not like people in 1800s England had an Australian accent

The scenes he most enjoyed writing in Dark Rise were the ending and both of the unicorn stabbing scenes

Most of the stories about unicorn horns say that they have truth-telling properties when they’re ground into powder, but Pacat thought it would be much more interesting if you had to stab someone with it

He had appointments with historians in Castleton where the inn is in Dark Rise

He often hires a historian to start background research on certain topics because they have an easier time knowing what to look for and where to find primary sources

Personal Things:

When Pacat lived in Tokyo he had an apartment in Jingumae in Harajuku

His family immigrated to Australia from Calabria, Italy after WWII when his mom was eight. He can speak a bit of dialect but he would sound like an old lady because he learned from his grandma

Pacat used to be really into Chinese dramas like the Legend of Fu Yao and Legend of the Condor Heroes. He hasn't watched a lot of the new danmei dramas but he really liked the Untamed

He enjoyed The Cruel Prince by Holly Black, he’s loved her stuff since Valiant and Ironside and the Spiderwick Chronicles

Pacat used to write fanfic for a lot of obscure Japanese fandoms like Hikaru no Go and Utena. He wasn’t a very popular fic author, he wrote gen character vignettes that no one read. The first romance he wrote was capri. He never wrote Harry Potter fic

#can't believe i thought badly about laurent's kemptian family this whole time for no reason 😂 #i still think they should visit more #captive prince #fence comic #dark rise #cs pacat #instagram livestreams #oh yeah this is gonna be a monthly thing for anyone who didn't know #my post

[heyitsmerose]

Ateez Reaction to their s/o having pmdd (Maknae Line)

PMDD - (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder) Is a menstrual disorder that many women have that causes extremely painful period cramps, nauseousness, sever mood swings and is overall quite frustrating to deal with. I am writing this imagine from my experience of pmdd, however remember everyone’s body is different, and in no way do I want to generalise any illness. Okay thank you, happy reading! :)

Word Count: 2.5k

Mature Language*

Smut content

San: 

It was a normal day at the dorm, and you and San hadn’t seen each other in a while. Deciding to pay him a visit, you made your way to their dorm to surprise him. You packed some dinner and made your way to the dorm. Upon reaching, you were greeted by Seonghwa and Hongjoong, who were also at the dorm at the time, the rest had gone out, either to practice, or just to do something else. You entered San’s room and sat on his bed waiting for him. He was in the washroom taking a bath, and so you just simply waited for a bit. 

About 10 minutes later, San emerged from the washroom with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. Once he saw you asleep on the bed, he chuckled and got changed as quietly as possible, trying not to wake you up. After he was done, he decided to sit next to you wake you up gently.

“Babe, it’s me, wake up now please, I wanna see youu” He whined. You readjusted in the bed and got up feeling a little dazed.

You got up and just observed him. The way he was smiling so lovingly at you, the way he had both arms under you, holding the small of your back, lifting you up, his sweet yet husky scent, the way his wet hair was pushed back, the way the thin black fabric of his full sleeved button up allowed you to see all his defined muscles, and you couldn’t help but think about how perfect he was. Still in a daze, you just whispered a hello, and being the affectionate person San was, he immediately took you in his lap and sat you down facing him. He tucked a piece of your hair behind your ear and you hugged him tighter. You hid your face in his chest as you tried to work out and process these weird emotions. You felt bubbly and weird, with a lump forming in your throat. 

“Hey, look at me hun!” He teased, laughing and giggling, while lifting your chin up. He pressed a kiss to your nose and that sent you off the edge. Soon, warm tears started pouring out your eyes and you couldn’t form any words. 

“Y/N, Y/N, Babe, are you alright, did I hurt you?” He panicked taking your face in both of his hands. You couldn’t get any words out and simply sobbed. You didn’t know what you were feeling and why you were feeling these feelings and tried to stop, but to no avail.

“I-, I-,” You tried getting out, but unable to take in enough air, you weren’t able to speak. 

“Hey, hey, hey, Y/N, take it easy, breath in and breath out, I’m sorry if I did something to upset you.” He pouted and looked at you.

“No!” You suddenly interrupted taking him by surprise 

“I just love you so much, and I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m an emotional mess, why are you so perfecttt” You rambled, whining your words at the end, and crying again. By this point you had gotten the attention of Hongjoong and Seonghwa too, and they were watching the both of you secretly through the doorway.

“Wait, what?” San asked a little confused.

“I said you’re so perfect, you’re just so fucking amazing and you make me feel these emotions that I’ve never felt before, I just feel so lucky and happy that you’re mine, it’s overwhelming.” You said finally, getting that off your chest. 

“Well, I love you too Y/N, and I bet I love you more” he said with his eyes full of tears too. It was overwhelming to him too, how much you loved and valued him.

“Yah, San-ah I’m on my period I’m allowed to act all sappy and moody, you’re nott” You both chuckled and laughed at each other.

“Well, what can I do, I just love you so much” he replied and you wiped his tears. You heard whistles from the doorway and knew it was Hongjoong and Seonghwa. 

You stayed as close to each other as possible for the rest of the evening, not even leaving one another to go anywhere.

Mingi: 

You were on your period and Mingi was well aware of it. A few days before your period you always felt a little needy, and by now Mingi was used to your mood swings and weird behaviour. What he didn’t anticipate however, was you having pmdd. Neither did you. He’s had girlfriends before, and although he didn’t mean to compare, he noticed your symptoms were a little more extreme compared to everyone else. In fact, he was the one that suggested you go to the doctor, and thus here you were.

You had come to the OB/GYN with your boyfriend Mingi, since he was concerned for you. You always went through this, and been doing so for the past 10 years, so you didn’t think much of it. However when Mingi once came across you throwing up and crying in pain, he knew something was wrong. He found that you had been hiding your symptoms to not bother him. As you had expected, the second he found out, he freaked out and booked an appointment with the doctor. At the moment, you were answering a few questions about your symptoms and were surprised to find that every single symptom matched yours. You just assumed that everyone went through this every month, apparently not. You were starting to get worried. What if you weren’t normal, what if there was actually something really wrong with you. You interlaced your fingers with Mingi, and filled out the rest of the forms, describing your symptoms to the nurse. The nurse noted down your symptoms, sighed and left the room. You started biting your nails and bouncing your knee, your were getting nervous.

“Hey, Y/N” Mingi called to you lovingly “What’s wrong, you seem nervous”

“Mingi, what if it’s something serious, like what if I have cancer or something?” You suddenly blurted out. Mingi frowned and took both your hands in his.

“Hey, don’t say that, for all we know, it could be normal and you would just need a few meds, I promise It won’t be as bad as you think” He assured you, but inside he was just as nervous and scared, if not, maybe even a little more than you.

A few minutes later, the nurse arrived inside the room with your results printed on a piece of paper. She handed it to you, and you read through it while also trying to pay attention to what she was saying.

“Miss, Y/N, you most likely have, what’s known as Premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Its similar to PMS but is a little more severe. It won’t cause too much trouble to your life however we’d suggest taking birth control to help reduce the symptoms slightly” She suggested looking at the both of you. She proceeded to leave to room to give you both some space. You looked up at Mingi, and he smiled back down at you.

“See, it’s nothing too serious, besides, birth control gives us an excuse to have more sex” He laughed at you while you playfully shoved him.

You were thankful to have such a caring boyfriend like Mingi, who always looked out for you. For the months and years to come, he always made sure you took your medicines and eased the pain and helped in whatever way he could. 

Wooyoung:

You and Wooyoung were such a power couple. Both of you being complete crackheads, there was not one day that was boring in your relationship. You always knew how to match each others energy and took risks together. That’s what you loved about him, his ability to keep up with your crazy personality. In fact, it’s quite cheesy, but you truly completed each other, he knew you inside and out and you knew him completely too. 

You had come out to a restaurant to just spend some time with one another and were enjoying each other’s company. It was rare to have moments like these, where it was just the both of you, and you loved spending time with each other.

You were halfway through dinner, eating your appetisers, when all of a sudden, you felt a wet feeling down your leg. You cursed realising you could have potentially leaked out of your tampon, and excused yourself to go use the washroom. Once you left, you quickly wobbled to a stall and pulled your underwear down to check. As you predicted, you had in fact leaked, but it was worse than you thought. The bottom of your dress was completely stained red, and your underwear was completely soaked in blood. You tampon was lost somewhere in the red ocean of blood and you had no clue what to do. You realised you left your phone on the table, so you couldn’t do anything. You sat on the toilet, with nothing to do just contemplating what you should do next. 

Meanwhile, Wooyoung was just waiting for you on the table itself. After around 20 minutes passed, he started to get worried and checked his phone to see check if he got any messages from you. He then glanced to your side and noticed your phone still there on the table. Looking back at his phone he checked the time... and the date. Cursing to himself quietly, he realised that it was that time of the month, and knowing you had pmdd, he knew something must have probably happened. Without another thought, he ran to the washroom slamming the door open.

“Y/N? Babe? are you there?” You heard Wooyoungs voice call out. 

“Wooyoung? Thank god, I’m like stuck here and I don’t know what to do.” You said relieved that he finally noticed you were gone. 

“Okay, no one’s here in the washroom, I’m locking the washroom door, could you open your stall door?” You obliged and opened your stall door, greeting him with a bunch of blood on the floor and completely destroyed underwear. He snickered at your situation began removing him pants.

“Woo, what the fuck are you doing?” You asked him thinking he was going crazy.

“Calm down, just take my boxers and like wrap them in some tissue paper, it should work as a makeshift pad. Also I’ll give you my denim jacket, just tie it around your waist or something” He said removing his underwear. You quickly agreed and wore his underwear after stuffing it with tissue paper. He then gave you his jacket and you wrapped it around your waist. He pulled back up his pants, threw your underwear in the dustbin and cleaned up after you. You were in that point of your relationship where both of you were completely comfortable with eachother, so this was nothing major. Once he was done and walked in front of you, you took the opportunity to smack his ass. 

“Wow, maybe you should just not wear underwear” You laughed at him

“Very funny” He sarcastically responded back. 

Jonho:

You were at Jongho’s place and were just laying on his bed. You both had been dating for not too long, around 1 month at max, and you still always felt a little uncomfortable, or rather self conscious and insecure around him. Besides, he was everyones dream guy, with a voice sweeter than honey and not to mentioned those muscles, while you were just, you. You tried your best to always act as nice and proper as you could, and still hadn’t completely opened up to him yet. Jongho on the other hand, was falling for you, hard. He was absolutely smitten and no other person had ever made him feel this way. He loved when you visited as you got to spend time with each other.

You were just on your phone, while he was downstairs getting something to eat. You popped a breath mint in your mouth, and readjusted your position to get more comfortable. After laying there for a few minutes, Jongho came back with some strawberries and chocolate, the perfect, lowkey yet romantic food ever. You made sure to eat them slowly and properly, too scared you’d scare him away by scarfing them down. Jongho on the other had, had no problem eating them quickly. You just laughed at him and looked at him lovingly. He noticed you staring at him and a bright smile spread across his face. Wanting to get a little closer, he took the first step and decided to pull you closer to him by your waist. You jumped a little at the movement, but soon scooted towards him, and laid your head on his shoulder. Trying to ease the tension and make the situation a little less awkward, Jongho put his hand on the bed, around you. What he didn’t anticipate however was for there to be a wet spot, of blood. He quickly peeked behind you and saw a giant spot of blood, where you were sitting before. Not wanting to embarrass you, he calmly said...

“Hey, Y/N, you seem to have had a little accident, don’t worry, I’ll clean it up, I have a hoodie you can wear, and you can borrow my boxers too, if you’d like. I’ll just get some pads from the nearby pharmacy too, just a sec” He said smiling at you and getting up. However for you, this was your worst nightmare. 

“Wait what?” You looked to your side to see a giant red patch of blood on his light blue sheets. You gasped and to your horror, he had already gotten up pulling the bedsheets off. 

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry, I’ll deal with it, please come back in a few minutes or something, I don’t want you to see me like this, please” You begged him tears leaving your eyes from panic and embarrassment. He didn’t move however, continuing on with what he was doing.

“No, no, no, Jongho, please, this is so embarrassing, please, I’ll clean it up” You said, your voice cracking multiple times. Jongho immediately left what he was doing and walked to you holding your chin with his fingers.

“Hey, hey, hey Y/N, you have no reason to be embarrassed, this is natural and I love you, it’s alright.” He said, not realising the impact of his words

“You love me?” You asked clarifying, maybe your ears had deceived you.

“Um, well, yeah-” He said stuttering a blush growing on his cheeks. You took the opportunity and for the first time in your relationship, you kissed him softly and responded...

“I love you too”

#Ateez x reader #ateez fanfic #ateez ff #ateez fanfiction #ateez jongho #ateez san #ateez mingi #ateez wooyoung #mingi #jongho #wooyoung #san #ateez whump #ateez angst #ateez fluff #ateez sad #ateez bad period #pmdd ff

[kcatta-wodahs]

Trans, Enby, or anything not Cis MC + OM Demon Bros!

TLDR; they all fuckin love you okay you’re wonderful

Lucifer

It happens right away honestly, as he is your introduction to Devildom 

You arrive suddenly in the student council, with no fucking warning, and with a bunch of people who are saying they’re demons. And like yeah okay sorcery obviously exists in your world so we can work with this but

He looks at a file, and states your deadname, and in a fit of bravery or just “i guess im here now” you correct him. 

The silence after that is palpable and every negative emotion you’re feeling as you wait shows up on your face. 

Lucifer only has a slight frown, looking at the paper, and at you, before it clears.

“Oh. Humans. I understand.” He marks something on the paper, and repeats your name. Your real name.

“Should I assume that the pronouns listed are incorrect as well?”

He calls for a RAD uniform that you’re most comfortable with, while Diavolo gushes over “HUMAN!!!”

Okay, cool, you’re hanging with demons now but at least they respect your pronouns? Guess this is your life. Your next question is whether you’re dead lol

So he knows the whole time, but it doesn’t change a thing! He loves you the same.

When you’re closer, he is very to-the-point about caring for you when you’re feeling dysphoric.

He offers you tips, makes sure you maintain your voice training even if you’re embarrassed about it, and always pushes you to express yourself how you want.

Hell maybe they use that princely riches to get you whatever surgeries you might want!

And he will *very clearly* show you how much he likes your body, however it is. 

After all, by the end of the game you belong to him, don’t you?

Mammon

When he's first assigned to be your guardian or whatever in Devildom, he didn't get the memo. 

Didn't read the paperwork, cause he's just like me and puts off homework for way too long.

So he doesn't know these pronouns of yours that Lucifer has fixed in the documentation.

Which means, unfortunately, you have to correct him when he first speaks to Levi about you.

What's funny about it is that he'll complain about LITERALLY EVERYTHING having to do with you and you being a human and UGH he has to take care of a FRAGILE HUMAN

But when you correct the pronouns he doesn't even fucking blink.

You don't even explain.

You just say the correct pronoun after he messes up, and then he repeats you and *continues complaining about you* but this time in the correct pronouns.

This is the first moment out of a million of "hidden endearing things about Mammon" that you will come to learn.

Later, when you're closer, he will always be there to stand up for you and put up a fight if anyone wants to give you shit.

He will defend you to the end of time. 

And he adores you. If he -- The Great Mammon -- adores you, then you must be perfect. So you can tell your stupid human brain to stuff it with the negative talk.

Leviathan

This one is written as AFAB

When you deny wearing the Ruri-chan dress for him, he's sad.

He KNEW you thought he was weird… and his thing for Ruri-chan was weird… and weirddmmm

So, you hesitantly tell him that… no, truly its not because of Ruri-chan

You just.. feel so sick when wearing dresses.

Something in you physically hurts, and you feel so *wrong* when in a situation where you're supposed to act "girly".

And you tell him that you don't really identify as female. You try to avoid that image whenever you can.

Levi is so touched that you would tell him and be honest with him.

He hugs you tightly and then turns beet red.

"D-Does that mean that you m-might.. kabedon… as Henry….?"

Cause he has that costume too and has never told anyone that he def would be seduced by his TSL hero.

You can get behind that one, and seeing how flustered he gets around you being yourself (through Henry?) has your confidence skyrocketing

This makes way to you flirting with ya boi 100% more often to see his adorable face.

Beelzebub

You go with him to work out, which is nothing really new, but this time he's looking at doing endurance training

...by swimming.

You have no idea what to do. 

He didn't think twice about it, either. He didn't assume there would be any problem at all. 

But for some reason your brain decided that his helpful and loving attitude wouldn't extend to this? Brains are silly when scared.

You try not to tear up when he questions why you've frozen in the doorway when he told you his plan.

You have no reason to be ashamed, or fearful, but the suddenness of the moment overwhelms you.

"I can't wear a swimsuit," is what comes out.

He pauses and then just looked vastly confused. He thought humans could swim..? Anyone could wear a swimsuit. You were wearing clothes right? What's the difference?

You wrap your arms around yourself, tryiing to soothe your nerves. "It's.. It shows too much.."

Then he looks you over, causing you to blush further, and he tips his head. "But you look nice."

Well if you weren't blushing before, now you definitely were. But it's not that. You hold your breath.

You try to explain without actually saying it, almost as if the word transgender has been blocked from your internal vocabulary. 

But this babe just insists that you look great no matter what. Is it scars? Like everyone here has scars, it's okay. Weird toes? You should see Belphie's. There's a reason he wears socks all the time. 

That almost makes you giggle, and you use that courage to say that you're trans.

He pauses for just a seond to blink. "Oh... nobody cares about that here."

He pulls you into a hug while you struggle for words. He tells you that you don't have to go swimming if you don't want to.

But he makes sure you know that he thinks you're wonderful. You're strong and brave and amazing. He will fight anyone who makes you feel differently. 

Asmodeus

This one is AMAB

It’s seeing Asmo be unequivocally himself that gives you the courage to do it.

You haven’t even told your human friends yet. Your human family.

You’ve known for ages, but..

Seeing Asmo flounce over to you wearing the most STUNNING evening dress has you weak at the knees, for reasons other than he assumes.

He assumes that you’re wildly in love as you duck your head and try to mumble something through your shaking breaths, and of course, who wouldn’t be?

But when he coaxes you to speak up for him, delight of a whole different kind lights up in his expression.

“Could you… make me as pretty as you?”

Oh, darling, he wouldn’t even need to try.

He dolls you up, hosting a lovely makeover session in his room. What he doesn’t expect is for you to start crying when you look at yourself in the mirror.

Asmo’s unshakeable confidence is shaken. He rushes over to you, trying to brush away tears and learning what’s wrong.

That’s when you tell him what you’d been hiding for so long.

The adoration in his eyes catches you off guard, and he takes your hands lovingly. “Oh, honey..” he mumbles, affectionate and sweet instead of seductive. “What’s your name?”

He takes you out shopping the next day, and is always ready to help you be yourself. 

He makes the switch almost instantly, and calls you the prettiest thing he’s ever seen even when you’re just waking up in the morning and kind of feel like a toad. 

(You blame him for those mornings, though, since he’s the one working so hard to *thoroughly* exhaust you the night before.)

Satan

This one is AFAB

You and Satan have begun meeting rather often for tea. 

It’s even gotten to the point where you’re both perfectly happy to sit in silence around each other. You’ve never been more comfortable.

But today, chaos reigns, and it has decided to make you clumsy today. Not even like, oh “that’s reasonable” clumsy.

No, you were enthralled in your fucking book, and you MISSED. 

Tea, all down your chin and neck, and you hear a snort of derision.

Satan is looking at you, very clearly amused. “Very graceful.”

You huff and puff out your cheeks at him to prevent from blushing. “Shut up. Do you have a towel?”

Looking no less amused, he just pulls a new shirt from the dresser behind him and offers it to you. 

You guys are chill. Good friends. Like. You don’t want to get up to go find a bathroom to change in. Your book is good and like Satan’s not about to be a creep, so you ask if it’s cool if you just change there, and he shrugs in response.

So, you swap shirts quickly, but when you’re dry he’s looking at you curiously.

“You have battle scars.”

You realize that you’d never told him. About your past, or your surgery, and you suddenly feel very self-conscious. 

“It’s- .. Not exactly,” you fumble out, realizing that now, instead of finishing your amazing book, you have to deal with *coming out?* Ughhhhhh. “They’re from a surgery.”

Satan’s eyes don’t leave you. “I’ve read enough about the human world to know what they are,” he said, then he nods to himself. “I didn’t know you’d had such a fight.”

You are either very, very impressed or very, very confused and you really don’t know which to lean towards just yet. 

“I’ve never been in a battle, Satan.”

“You fought to become yourself,” he answered, a small smile tracing his lips. “You never cease to impress me.”

Belphegor

The best part about becoming best friends with Belphie is the snuggle naps. It's the sweetest, calmest thing.

He is a little confused about why you insist on hugging a pillow when you nap with him, though.

He admits, its adorable. When he's big spoon he loves looking at you as you snuggle the big fluffy pillow. 

When he wants to face you, though, he wants to be closer, he doesn't really understand it. He doesn't want to make you uncomfortable but also.. why?

Eventually, he tries to get answers out of you by teasing you about getting closer *intimately*. 

He does expect the blush.

He doesn't expect the look of despair that you hide from him.

He's stunned for a moment before demanding to know why the hell you would look so sad about that.

You try to shake it off, but Belphie's nothing if not persistent and annoying when he wants to be.

He learns that you have been trying really hard for months now to hide your body from him. To keep your personal info private, even while snuggling. 

You didn't know how he would take it, after all. 

What if he got something he wasn't expecting?

Honestly, Belphie sulks after hearing this. He flicks your forehead and glares at you for doubting him. 

But he looks you dead in the eyes and reminds you that you could never convince him you were anything less than perfect.

If you expected him to be disappointed by whatever you hid during snuggles, he would never be. You would never be a disappointment to him.

Your next nap together doesn't feature the pillow between you, which makes your heart feel fit to burst while he snuggles you closer. 

#hhhhh i posted this to the wrong blog at firsttttt #it took me fucking forever to finish this agh #it was so hard to come up with prompts that were unique and fun while not embarassing in any way #or well #not like bad bad embarassing? #i headcanon that all of them are some form of gender fluid or nonbinary anyway so like the demon bros just love you okay #bast babbles #my writing #obey me headcanons #obey me #obey me! #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me beelzebub #obey me asmodeus #obey me satan #obey me belphegor

[spockandawe]

Shen Jiu/Tianlang-jun

Or, I came here for the dunking on binghe vibe, lingered for the aesthetic, and then tripped accidentally into an au that’s actually really compelling me hard that I want to figure out more

(yes it’s the 2k thing that hit me out of nowhere, but i wrote that out and it didn’t scratch the itch, so here we are)

(I always use so many words, let’s just have a cut now)

My general premise as, theoretically, an author: This is set in the canonverse timeline, after Luo Binghe merges the demon realm and human realm. Probably not long after, because things are still VERY much in confusion, both societies are still reeling, unrest is rampant, and Luo Binghe is only just just just starting to figure out that no, he still doesn’t feel very fulfilled. Turning two realms upside down gives Zhuzhi-lang an opportunity to finally get his hands on a dew flower seed to grow a body for Tianlang-jun (he is a patient boy). Shen Jiu is still alive, though honestly, I don’t know how much Luo Binghe bothers keeping him conscious anymore, and there’s my stage.

What I arrived here from was thinking about how I characterized Tianlang-jun for my Shen Yuan/Tianlang-jun fic, and how I’m really leaning into his romantic nature and fond, un-pushy approach to relationships. When I thought about writing those two characters dunking on a stallion novel together, I was like ‘oh noooo, he would have been so disappointed in bingge’ (which adds to an already emotionally complicated situation, what with him having a son at all) and then I was like ‘haha, being disappointed in bingge, something for him and shen jiu to bond over’

And then I was like ‘wait, but seriously--’

So, I keep seeing those shipping memes going around where people describe their favorite dynamics, and I probably won’t ever draw one myself, but a shipping vibe I love is a character in a lonely downward spiral being pulled out of the disaster zone and emotionally reattached to the world. That’s what I’m writing in the sy/tlj, honestly. A vibe I love even more, but which is even rarer, is when two characters are in those downward spirals, and latch onto each other in an intense, codependent, unhealthy way.... and somehow manage to salvage something beautiful from the situation.

Anyways, Shen Jiu and Tianlang-jun.

When I was trying to figure out how to ship them, one of the first questions when I’m sussing out an unusual pair without other fanworks is: Why do they care about each other? And the more I thought about them, the more I realized that they’re each really, really strongly in the mold of the other one’s Favorite Person, who they’d since lost. Shen Jiu is a cold, aloof, untouchable, beautiful person. Tianlang-jun is a quieter person, very pleasant, but terrifyingly strong in some ways, and soft and ruthless at unexpected times. But neither one is exactly a replacement goldfish, which is good, because losing their favorite person was pretty traumatic for them in different ways. Shen Jiu plays more mean than Su Xiyan did, and Tianlang-jun is more eccentric and romantic than Yue Qingyuan was.

Logistically, the idea that Tianlang-jun hates his son made it easy for me to bring the two of them together. In this universe especially, Tianlang-jun feels a lot of scorn towards Luo Binghe, but Luo Binghe is still very strong. He doesn’t have much in the way of weaknesses, and I think even super-traumatized, super-bitter Tianlang-jun would turn up his nose at the idea of attacking Luo Binghe through his wives. But stealing away Shen Jiu, that’s a person who Luo Binghe is almost as ““close”” to as he is to the harem, this is a person with pretty significant knowledge of Luo Binghe’s childhood, and it’s a powerful person with a major reason to hold a grudge against Luo Binghe himself. 

(I don’t think Tianlang-jun has much of a plan, necessarily, when he kidnaps Shen Jiu, the same way he didn’t have much of a plan when he was aiming to merge the worlds together. Like, yes, there’s this big goal, but why? and then what? I’m not going to go off on a digression about this, but I think it is very much a shitty, shitty plan, and that Shen Jiu is not going to be stoked once he figures out he was kidnapped from Luo Binghe because *shrug?*)

So what I want. Emotionally. Is where the two of them do kind of latch onto each other in a replacement goldfish sort of way, but where that kind of closeness really pulls them into sync in a way where they end up attached WAY more strongly than they ever intended to begin with. And also, both of them are dealing with some weird dysphoric feelings (one with four new prosthetic limbs, one with a decaying body) and are trying to power through them by using their bodies as a tool they use, not as residences they inhabit. And I think that Shen Jiu in particular is leaning into his time in the Qiu household in a bad way, and using himself as an incentive to try to nudge Tianlang-jun into doing things he wants. Love me some dysfunction like that, especially if people start having Regrets and/or Feelings later.

I think.... part of the reason I cut off my fic where I did was that Shen Jiu getting his tongue back is going to really, really, really start reshaping their dynamic. In the fic, Tianlang-jun is reading things into his deliberately-vague gestures that aren’t necessarily there, or just seeing what entertains him to see, but with a voice? Shen Jiu is a man with opinions, and he’s so, so, so completely out of fucks to give. When they start engaging with each other for real, they have to start recognizing each other as people, and not as proxyfucking substitutes for Su Xiyan and Yue Qingyuan.

Now, why I didn’t write that whole fic from the beginning is because it’s almost gotta be plot-intensive. Luo Binghe is not going to be happy that Shen Jiu is gone, he’s going to be very interested in getting him back, and if he gets his hands on him, it’s going to be... ugly. Shen Jiu is aware of that, and makes Tianlang-jun aware of that, but Luo Binghe is so hilariously overpowered that it’s going to be HARD to keep them both out of Luo Binghe’s hands without just making them quiet hermits in some corner of the world. And they can’t be quiet hermits, because otherwise Tianlang-jun would never have stolen Shen Jiu in the first place :P 

I am still really, really, really tempted to write it, because like, just imagine Luo Binghe coming for Shen Jiu in his dreams, and all that trauma crashing back into him, and Luo Binghe digging into every old emotional wound, and Shen Jiu trying to cope. And if dream abilities run in the blood, then Tianlang-jun isn’t completely useless either, and I do very much like the idea that protagonist or not, Tianlang-jun is capable of going toe to toe with his son. The picture of them fighting a battle across Shen Jiu’s dreamscape is just... *chef kiss*

(especially because if luo binghe gets into shen jiu’s head, he’ll totally use yue qingyuan against him, and if tianlang-jun gets involved, he’ll use su xiyan against luo binghe, and luo binghe will probably try to use her against him, and shen jiu is perfectly happy to try to make binghe hurt over how binghe’s dad chose him instead of binghe, and it will be so, so ugly all around)

The trouble with this would be knowing where it was heading :P The quiet hermit ending wouldn’t be a bad fit for what I want for the characters at all, but it would be hard to achieve with Luo Binghe still alive, and I still don’t know if I want him dead, or how I would even make that happen. 

But what I do want, even if it only takes shape in one-shots of scattered scenes, is two exhausted, traumatized characters curling up into each other, without any emotions, no emotions involved, definitely not, and accidentally getting super entangled in each other’s hearts. The kind of relationship with a lot of intensity and need and passion, and virtually no healthy coping mechanisms to be seen. I want ‘Separation Anxiety: The Musical.’ I want Shen Jiu with angry clinging, and extra anger if anyone mentions the clinging. I want Tianlang-jun deflecting and deflecting away from his past and his emotions. And part of the reason I’m not sure if I want Binghe dead, is that I want to see if I can get them to a point where one or both of them has a choice between hurting Binghe or helping their partner, and they choose their partner instead.

#tianlang jun #svsss #shen jiu #tianlang jun x shen jiu #shen jiu x tianlang jun #long post/ #okay i am tired now #hopefully i can actually translate that into. you know. sleep. #those are the days that bind us #tianjiu

[imaginejamesandsirius]

this is like, a super weird idea i've have had in my head for a long time: So, trans Sirius and James are both famous singers (they are together) and Sirius is outed as trans, maybe someone posts and old picture or his dead name, and James is the best boyfriend ever comforting him:) (sorry if i had mistakes, English it's my second lenguage)

((A/N: Warning for forced outing and some mild transphobia- aka people see old pictures of Sirius and assume he’s a woman))

Sirius had made a career out of being a bloke that dressed feminine at times. Technically, he'd made a career out of singing, but more people talked about his outfits, his makeup, and his hair, than his songs. Which was fine by him. He wrote all of his own lyrics, but it's not like he thought they were anything groundbreaking. He'd done three albums so far, and each of them had a single, poetic song that was basically a love letter to James. The rest of the songs on the albums were pop. Maybe pop rock, if the reviewer wanted to be generous. Incidentally, his poetic songs were always the least popular ones, but again, it didn't really bother him. He was a pop artist. He was successful at it in large part because people thought he was gorgeous. It was a nice stroke to his ego, which he always appreciated. 

James had made a career out of actually being a good singer and songwriter, which Sirius thought was hilarious. They were quite a pair. Every time a fan discovered that they were married, they expressed shock at how different their styles were-- usually followed by wondering how the hell they were together; Sirius didn't understand how different musical styles were supposed to make them incompatible life partners, but he thought that was pretty funny too. 

"I don't want to go on tour again," Sirius said with a frown-- not that Benjy could see it. The beauty of phone calls was also the biggest drawback: Benjy couldn't see what Sirius looked like. It meant that he could stay in his pants while talking, but it also meant that Benjy couldn't see his expression and react accordingly. 

"I know you said that, but-" 

"But nothing, Benjy. I've got a husband that I do like seeing every once in a while, and I can start on the next album like you wanted." 

"It's an over exaggeration to say that you starting on the next album is what I want," Benjy, Sirius's manager said. "I offered it as an alternative to going on tour." 

"And I've accepted, so what's the problem?" 

Benjy sighed. "Nothing, I guess. Tell James hullo for me." 

"Will do. And thanks." Sirius knew that he was a pain sometimes, but whenever he was too nice to Benjy, he never ended up getting what he wanted. He once hadn't seen James in person for three consecutive days for a year and a half because he had kept telling Benjy that it wasn't the end of the world if he stayed on the road. 

"Uh-huh. I know it's your time off, but keep in touch, yeah?" 

"Yep. Bye." 

Benjy echoed, "Bye," and they both hung up. 

"Hey sweetheart," James said, putting an arm around Sirius's waist and pressing a lingering kiss to his cheek. 

"You're cuddly," Sirius noted. 

He hummed, not denying it. "Just love you is all." 

"Aw, you love me? How embarrassing." 

"I've always been in love with you, and not once in my life has it embarrassed me." 

Sirius flushed a light pink but pretended like he hadn't. James saw it anyways but kept his mouth shut. There had been times where Sirius didn't like himself in the slightest, but James had always liked him. Every inch. When he had his dysphoric days, James loved him just the same; it helped. 

*

James was plucking tunelessly at his guitar as he frowned at his music notebook, and Sirius was laying on the ground with his feet propped up on the armchair in front of him. Ah yes, the glamorous lifestyle of popular musicians. 

Sirius was having a pretty good time of it. Doing nothing was quite a bit of fun. It was one of the only things he really missed from their school days. Even on his days off, where he purposefully sat around doing nothing, it felt like he had been run ragged. Sirius loved his life, and he liked performing, but a part of him couldn't wait for the day when he got to retire. They'd be able to sit around like this all day, every day. 

It was as he was having that thought that his life decided to take a dip. His phone was sitting on the coffee table, and it buzzed several times in quick succession from new messages. "Can you kick me my phone?" Sirius asked, not wanting to get up to see if it was important. 

James paused playing, then did as Sirius asked and kicked it off the end where it landed near Sirius. 

He picked it up and unlocked it, then frowned. "What's Benjy texting me for?" 

"Well, he's your manager. I'm sure he has lots of reasons." 

Don't panic. 

Well that was comforting. 

I'll take care of it.

People might say some shite, but your #1 defence is to just not look at it. 

Sirius itched to get on twitter and see what he was talking about, but to date, Benjy hadn't given him bad advice. If he said that Sirius didn't want to see it, then it was probably true. Still, he needed to know what the hell he was talking about. 

What's going on?, he texted back. 

Someone found an old photo of you and James at school. 

Oh. Sirius swallowed. If it was from Hogwarts, then Sirius hadn't come out, and he sure as hell hadn't transitioned yet. James was back to plucking at the guitar strings, evidently coming to the conclusion that if Sirius hadn't told him what it was about, then it wasn't important. It's not like Sirius was going to keep it from him, but he wanted to know what was going on, and James would tell him not to bother with it. He'd tell James what was going on-- as soon as he figured it out himself. 

You're gonna get pissed at me for looking, aren't you? 

DON'T. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SIRIUS DO NOOOOOT. 

Sirius read the text and didn't reply. He wasn't going to look at all the comments-- really, he wasn't. He just wanted to know how this had started. 

It wasn't hard to find. 

Some fan of James's was attending Hogwarts and had recognised him in an old photograph. They'd snapped a picture on their phone and uploaded it. Guys, teenaged James Potter!!! I guess that's his girlfriend before he got married :P Sirius had hair down to his shoulders now, but back then, he hadn't cut it once and in the picture, it was in two low pigtails. He'd had to wear the girl's uniform back then, which meant a pleated skirt and a blazer in red instead of trousers and a yellow blazer like the boys had gotten. He'd hated that uniform. He'd gotten more detentions for wearing the wrong uniform than he had anything else, which was sort of amazing considering how often he'd acted out in other ways. 

Someone else had said that the girl in the picture looked an awful lot like James's husband. 

Someone new put that picture side by side with one of Sirius's current ones. Dude, does @siriusblackpotter have a twin sister or smthn?? He has mentioned "family issues" before... 

It went from there to someone unearthing the names listed for the original picture, to someone pointing out that he never took his shirt off for photoshoots, to someone finding both records of him changing his name. That shite was on public record. The only reason he'd gotten away with it up until now was that no one had thought to look for the first one. 

Sirius exited out of twitter and crawled over to James's chair, leaving his phone where he'd been sat before. 

James stopped playing, peering at him curiously. "You alright, love?" 

"Mph." 

"Benjy trying to get you on tour again?" 

"Nah." 

James threaded his fingers through Sirius's hair, scratching lightly at his scalp. "Then what's up?" 

"Someone found an old picture of us in Hogwarts." 

There was the briefest pause in James's hand before he resumed. "All over social media?" 

"Yeah." 

"What did Benjy say? That was Benjy texting you, right?" 

"Yeah. He said he'd come up with a statement or summat, and I should just wait it out." 

"Good advice," James said mildly. 

"You disagree?" Sirius asked, tilting his head back to look at him. 

James gave a small shrug. "I dunno. I'm sure from a PR point of view, that's the smart thing to do." 

"But?" 

"But all I want to do is... I dunno. Something mushy. Let everyone know I love you." 

"Pretty sure they already know that. I think the marriage might've tipped them off." 

"Might've," James agreed with a small smile. With the hand still holding the guitar, he held it off to the side and leaned forward to kiss him. They kept it short since it was an awkward angle, and if James tried to stay that way for very long, he'd probably fall off the chair entirely. It did Sirius a world of good to feel it, brief as it was. Feel him. He leaned back in the chair again, but he kept the guitar away. Evidently, the time for figuring out a new chorus line was done for the moment. 

"I love you," Sirius said. He knew that James knew that. But he liked saying it, and he knew for a fact that James liked hearing it. 

James's eyes lit up like Sirius had given him the world-- just like he did every time Sirius said it. "I love you too. You want to do something fun?" 

"Fun how?" 

"Eh, dealer's choice. We could watch a horror movie and eat ice cream." 

"I hope you realise the only part of horror movies I like is the part where I cuddle up to you." 

"Liar," James said with a grin. "You also like the blood sprays." 

"I just think they're funny is all," Sirius said. 

"Thinking it's funny counts as liking it." 

"Hm, disagree." 

James rolled his eyes. "Does that mean we're on for a horror movie?" 

"Absolutely." 

#prongsfoot #marauders #fanfic #james potter #sirius black #filled #established relationship #married #no magic au #post hogwarts #siriuslystarbucks #Anonymous

[saifey]

i wish i was as confident as u i got bad dyshphoriaaaa like. do u have any self love transmasc advice 🥺🌈♥️

if you want help with just being more confident i'm going to go out on a limb and say you should be listening to a lot more rap than you are already. re:dysphoria, my kneejerk was to go ‘you’re asking the wrong guy, dysphoria is the only insecurity i really have, it’s sucking the life out of me constantly and i have no idea how i deal with it’ but that’s not even true and it's just going to feed into the whole idea that being transgender is about suffering which isn't true and not fair to you or me so. i am going to /actually/ answer this but i cannot answer simple questions without being really detailed and i just had my coffee so g-d help me if readmores don't work

(caveat that my dysphoria is weird because i was naturally high-ish T before transitioning, and even though i grew up in a mostly conservative southern town i also wasn't forced to be feminine so much as i was just left the fuck alone)

i don't know how old you are, or where you are in your transition, so i'm sorry if any or all of this is telling you what you already know, but:

i'm guessing if you're asking /me/ of all people how to deal with dysphoria you've seen other people answer this first and they've said something like 'well just do whatever you want and don't care what anyone thinks!' which you can't do, or something like 'what helps me is realizing that cis men can also have all the same features that make me dysphoric as i do,' which is true, but it also isn't helpful to me, at least. when people say that i think even the well-meaning ones mean something like 'cis men can look womanly too so there's no reason YOU can't.' but instead of trying to find otherwise cisnormative looking men with, say, wide hips, what's going to make the difference is knowing that Trans Men Are Men and for every one thing you might have in common with a cis man, you have a billion things more in common with other trans mascs.

you probably already know this. but it's something you have to Make yourself think about, because it's probably not your default, because even if you are trans your internalized responses are 'but only cis men are real men' and your dysphoria reaffirms this, it wants you to make you think your default responses are just being realistic, just like how being suicidal feels natural when you're depressed. it's silly but what's helped me is headcanoning characters i like as trans, not just flippantly going 'well i like him, so he's trans,' but imagining him going through the actual specifics of transitioning. them doing their shot, or picking out a shirt specifically because they like how it makes their chest look, or how they chose their name. fictional characters are basically dolls you can do whatever to anyways. by that same token, watch how you compare other men to you. it's futile to look at, like, orville peck and think 'man, i'll never look like him,' because guess what? no other man is going to be like orville peck either. chances are if you want to look like him (and this can be anyone, i'm just using him as an example) it's because of how he presents himself more than how he looks. he lives a life without the mask, without the costume, outside of photoshoots and offstage, and when he's not consciously being orville peck, he probably doesn't look a lot like himself either. it’s all a show babey

so. like, this might not be Your struggle but i'm a very fem-y gay guy. i'm at the point in things where i get roughly the same feeling wearing a regular man's button down shirt (as opposed to, like, one of my fun sequin things) as i do having breasts vs. having a flat chest. you'll have a more complete identity if you don't think of your body as a series of disparate parts all separate from you, but as one big whole acting in tandem with you. this is really hard to do if you're trans and you're used to going 'well, i like my legs today, but i hate my neck' or 'my chin looks masc but my eyes don't,' but it's literally so vital. what really helped me get over this was genuinely? just like, studying medical anatomy semi-academically and realizing how the health of my teeth affect my heart, or how the nerves in my back affect my fingers, and being able to really Make myself look at the body as one big organ was profoundly helpful. like after realizing how the circulatory system works i stopped cutting. i realize that might not be a solution for you, but okay, what's helped me in recovering from bulimia is realizing that i don't want even want to be thin, i just want a flat chest, and i don't want a flat chest, i just want to feel glamorous, like a model, yknow? so now when i dress up i play up my curves in a pretty campy way, and that feels a lot more true to the man i want to be than just wearing a baggy hoodie. when i get top surgery (because even though i've accepted my breasts, i still want them Gone) it's going to be like rock lee dropping the training weights. please understand this.

my advice here is that, like. say you want a beard but can't grow one... interrogate why you want a beard, what having a beard means to you. if it's because, say, you want to give off outdoorsy vibes, cultivate that. i don't know how to word this but you can be the bearded man you want to be even without a beard. and making a conscious effort to Be the person you want to be instead of just coasting off the aesthetics of it is going to make you much more actualized as a person. now, okay, i want to have professorial, tweed-jacket-with-elbow-patches vibes, but i'm a broke undergrad at a public university who lives somewhere where sweaters are impractical for all but two months of the year. so instead of just waiting for those two months to let myself be myself, i study and learn new things constantly, and i've made myself a harder working student than anyone else i know. so yeah i'll go as far as to say i'm better at the professor thing than someone who's only about the aesthetics of academia and doesn't actually read. this is a symptom of having a personality. interests. that stuff. if you have those, you're not just going to be a better (than who? i don't know, i guess you-right-now) man, you're going to be a better person. everything will follow from that. it's not enough to just say 'do what you want!' imo, you have to be deliberate about it.

but the people who say 'just do whatever and don't care' aren't wrong, either. they aren't saying 'there's no wrong way to be a man' they're really saying 'man-ness is so fraught that even if you were a cis man you'd either be completely miserable and paranoid trying to make sure you're doing everything right, OR you still wouldn't be seen as wholly a man according to other men (if you're not white, disabled, gay, obviously, but hell--look at the way that trad men talk about guys who aren't conservative: if you were to try and avoid getting misgendered ever, some people would insist on you being a nazi!), and all that stuff is completely arbitrary and can change at any time (facial hair goes in and out of style every season, it seems like), so rather than base your embodiment on other people, it's better for your own sake if you do your identity and your gender for yourself. again, this is something that's also common sense, but it's also probably something you have to Make yourself think about, too. the biggest gift transness gives you is being able to reclaim yourself for yourself wholly and fully. it's like spring cleaning.

i'm going to end this with a lot of links to things that give me comfort when i'm dysphoric and hope that they help you some:

-’though the torah doesn’t portray jacob as transgender,’ -timtum, a trans jew zine from 1999 -this post is a good salve for nb-specific stuff

-this post is like very entry level basic transmasc positivity but it’s still a good one and moreover It’s Right -my tag for things that have given me gender euphoria (and a few joke-y things in there too, i trust you can sort those out yourself): https://saifey.tumblr.com/tagged/gender -dorian electra- flamboyant

-the drag xing moodkiller who used to turn a lot of really inspiring looks -this isn't a thing i can link to but i will just go ahead and say that modern masculinity SUCKS did you know that in the 1700s the ideal figure for men included a prominent chest so they specifically tailored clothes to give men the appearance of a fuller chest. like the seams that are on your shoulders right now were pulled further back to make you stand up taller and push your chest out. also because everyone rode horses breeches were cut fuller in the hips and back. jesus christ someone please gofundme an 18th century court suit

-also i have a love for those ‘am i gay?’ books from the 90s and even though they’re obviously extremely cisnormative and very heavy on the ‘yeah you can be gay even if you’re a republican with swamp ass!!!’ thing they do reaffirm im doing something right. jesus christ i love this guy

and hey on the off chance you're still reading and you don't already have a binder, it's early in the month so i've got a little bit of throwing around money, if you'd be willing to come off anon i wouldn't mind floating you some money for a gc2b

[hatsukeii]

hi hi, i have a levi scenario request! so, the reader is known to act on an instant, driven by intuition, which makes her valuable soldier. but when she meets her crush levi at night while they both can't sleep she just suddenly kisses him without thinking about whats driven her to do that. and idk, levi's just perplex but he didn't dislike it. dk how to wrap it up, so u can choose! i hope this is alright! :)

Yoo that’s acc a really good prompt thank you!

I’m naming the fic after a song and YOU CAN’T STOP ME-

Scrawny// Levi x reader

Word count: 1900+

Warnings: Mild swearing

Summary: Due to severe insomnia, you decide to wake your captain up and make him spar with you.

“Captain. Caaaaptainnnnnn. Leeeviiii. Levi Heichouuuu. Captain Leeeeeeevi-” An irritated grunt sounded from inside the room. “Name and business. Make it quick.” You gave yourself a little victory pump, an idiotic smile now plastered on your face. “(Y/N) sir! I need some help!” The door was whipped open by none other than your fuming captain, his permanent scowl looking extra pissed. “What in the actual name of hell are you doing here? It’s past midnight, get your ass back to bed, and out of my office.” The wooden door was slammed in your face, startling you a bit as you let out a yelp and jumped. You huffed out, pouting a bit as you placed an elbow on the door, continuing to knock relentlessly. “Heiiichouuuuu. Pleaaaaaase help meeeeee. Levi heichouuuuuuuuu. I can’t do it aloneeeee, it’d be pointlessssssss.”

How did you get into this situation?

Well.

You were initially going to stay put and just roll yourself to sleep, or at least try to. But the boredom became way too much for you to bear very quickly. Your mind debated between the sensible option, which was to just wait for the sun to rise, or to just get some training in. Specifically, get someone to spar with you. Everyone in your cabin was fast asleep at this ungodly hour, soft snores from the girls filling up the cozy space. You continued to toss and turn, forcing your eyes shut and trying to relax. You stayed still for about five minutes or so, before a loud snort resonated throughout the room, jolting you awake from your short lived peace. Groaning in annoyance, you glared towards the direction of the unwomanly sound, landing your eyes on Sasha, who was sound asleep in a weird position. It was already 1am. You had to wake at 5am. You weren’t about to get any sleep anytime soon. Insomnia’s an actual bitch. Following your thoughts, you practically rolled out of your bed, trying to comb down your terrifyingly disheveled hair, before changing into some workout clothes, slipping on your shoes, and waddling towards the office of one person you were certain would be awake at this time- Captain Levi. Everyone in the Corps knew of his terrible sleep schedule, so you were positive he was still awake and working. In addition to that, you would rather die than admit it to the other cadets, but you were completely whipped for Levi, so just getting any form of time alone with him would be a blessing to you. Even if it was just to spar.

“Heichou please help me, I can’t stand it any longerrrrrr, I’m gonna die of boredom, do you feel me Levi heichouuuu-” The door you were leaning on so comfortably swung open, catching you off guard. You started to fall, nothing around being useful in supporting you. All Levi did was walk out of the way and watch your tiny body fly towards the hard wooden floor. “Jesus brat, what the hell do you want from me?” You stood up rapidly, dusting yourself off, before scratching your head. “Can you spar with me?” Levi’s eyes widened, his mouth hanging open. “Are you serious right now?” You timidly nodded, chuckling dryly in a terrible attempt to alleviate the tense and awkward vibe of the situation. “(Y/L/N). You disturb me, at 1am, while I’m doing paperwork, to spar? Couldn’t this wait for tomorrow? Go back to sleep, this is an order.” He proceeded to walk back into his office, hand reaching out for the door handle. You laughed lightheartedly, keeping the door open with your foot. “Levi heichouuu, I’m sure you know how big of a bitch insomnia is, will you help a fellow poor sufferer out? Pretttty pleaaaase?” There was no way Levi was about to reject that request. How could he when you were acting so cute? Your whiny ass could melt even the coldest of people, himself included.

The minute you joined the Survey Corps, Levi already had his eyes on you. According to the information Shadis gave him, you were an extremely valuable asset when it came to scheming and fighting. Your intuition was like none other. It was impressive. Perhaps even more impressive than Sasha’s. During battle, your pure gut instincts have saved many soldiers. Most of them knew the name (Y/N) as the insanely accurate fortune teller. You knew exactly where titans would be, and how they would attack. That combined with your logic, made you an excellent tactician. What brought you down, were your physical skills. You were never the fittest person, often times collapsing after only five laps around the training area. You barely passed the ODM gear test, and almost broke a bone sparring with Connie. CONNIE. Since then, Levi has noticed you skipping dinner and training in your free time, whether it was just normal working out, or practising punches and kicks. He had initiated conversations with you before, usually starting off serious, but those talks usually turned into dumb arguments over questions like whether you could eat medicine with tea, or whether Eren was actually dysphoric. As months passed by, you became one of the few people that managed to get close to Levi. Although the captain may not show it, he had to admit, he has grown quite fond of you with time too.

“Good lord, fine, you scrawny ass brat. I’ll spar with you for an hour and an hour only. No buts. Consider yourself lucky I’m actually giving into your ridiculous request.” You beamed, jumping up and down like a child seeing a cotton candy machine, then crossing your arms over your chest, giving Levi a fake pout. “Thank you so much cap! For the record, I’m not scrawny!” He only grunted in response, letting you drag him to the training grounds. On the way, you sensed something off. No, scratch that, there was just a weird vibe. It was like something waiting to happen, but you couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was exactly. You were skeptical for a bit, before you let it go and took it as sheer paranoia.

“(Y/L/N), you’re getting better.” You were completely drenched in sweat at this point, your muscles aching like crazy. You two had been sparring for about thirty minutes only, and somehow you were already worn out, whilst Levi was still completely fine, not a single drop of sweat evident. “C’mon cadet, you can do better than this. You asked me to spar with you, bring it.” You huffed out, panting like a thirsty dog, arms on your knees. “Yeah, hold on, just give me one second to just-” You took in a few deep breaths, before stretching your arms and legs, getting into a fighting stance again. “Okay, I think I’m all good captain.” Levi sent out a tiny smirk, charging towards you without warning. He sent a punch toward your jaw, missing by mere centimetres as you dodged it, grabbing his arm, knocking him off his feet, and throwing him to the ground. “Whooo! I finally won! Once!” You cheered a bit too early. Within seconds, you were flipped over again, the captain’s lean figure now hovering over you in a straddle. “Guard up until the opponent either passes out, dies, or surrenders. That’s rule number one of fighting. That was a pretty impressive throw though, I’ll give you that.” You sighed in defeat, tapping out quickly. “Seriously? You’re going to give up like that? That’s not the (Y/N) I know.” You thought about that for a second. “You know what captain? You’re right.” Smirking evilly, you got into a guard position, kicking your legs up to wrap around his chest as you rolled over, hovering over him in a mount.

Maybe you were dumb. Or maybe you were too immersed in the fight. But you didn’t realise how close you and Levi were until then. Your face burned multiple different shades of red as you went silent for a few moments, Levi staring at you in confusion. “Oi, what did I tell you about not being distracted during a fight?” He tried to shift into a better position, when your hand came down onto his collar. Should I do this? You were about to take a huge risk. Your brain was desperately trying to stop you from doing god knows what next. However your heart was throbbing, messing with your thought process. You felt that weird, tingly vibe in the air again, this time paying close attention to it instead of just ignoring it like the last time. Maybe this is the world’s way of telling me to do this thing? Is it? You pondered over the thought, staying as still as a statue. “(Y/F/N)? Did you listen to a word I said-”

You know what? To hell with your doubts and worries.

Grabbing the soft fabric of his shirt, you harshly pulled him towards you, attacking his lips with your own as you refused to let go, squeezing your own eyes shut. He was audibly shocked, giving out a tiny yelp as you continued to kiss him. His hair tickled your forehead, his breaths tickled your face, the fact that you were kissing your captain tickled every single little thing inside of you. For a few moments, you could hear your embarrassment buzzing in your own ears, before you finally pulled away, lowering Levi back down to the ground as you let go of his shirt. Your eyes widened at what you just did, your entire body going hot as you took your time to let the fact that you just kissed your hot, badass, midget captain sink in. Your hand went up to cover your mouth as you gave a muffled scream, getting off of him immediately and apologising profoundly. “U-uh I think that’s probably enough sparring for tonight, I’ll go see if I can go back to sleep now. Goodnight cap!” You screamed as you ran back to the cabin, completely flustered and feeling very hot. Slamming the cabin door close, you looked around, to see a tall figure sitting up from her bed, turning on a lamp. “(Y/N)...? What are you doing in workout clothes? And… why are you all red and sweaty?” You jumped, cursing a bit at Mikasa’s question as the other girls started to wake up from the noise that you made. “I- uh, it’s a long story….” Ymir smirked, before placing an arm on your shoulder. “Don’t worry. Get changed, and we’ll have all night to talk about it.” The other girls agreed, sending you evil looks as you grabbed your sleeping clothes and proceeded to clean up and change, your risky move from just now still circling your mind like a hive of annoying ass bees.

Meanwhile, Levi could not comprehend what the hell just happened. Did she just kiss me? He fixed his collar, which was now dirtied and wrinkled as he scrunched his nose at the disgraceful sight. “Tch, that brat, running away as if I would be on her ass for the rest of her life as a soldier after she did that.” He let his hand go up to touch his lips, seemingly fascinated by how he didn’t resist or anything. He was beyond confused. Never in a billion years did he expect to be kissed by someone in the military, let alone someone in his own squad. He tried to ignore his cheeks that were feeling warm as he dusted himself off, standing up and walking back to his office, mumbling to himself.

“Why’d you run away so quickly (Y/N)? I didn’t say I disliked that or anything.

Hoe hoe hoe I have finally finished this req! This was so fun to write oh lord I was laughing to myself-

This one goes into the short kings clan👑👑

Hope you liked it anon🥺👉👈💕

Tags:

@burnt-tomato @lydzisanerd @bokutokoutarou @trashcanweeb @izzyphantomgamer @artsamber @ewfilthymundane @macaronnn @sunshines-and-tatertots @for-ests @inlwlevi

Idek why I can’t tag @ewfilthymundane but I’m soRry

#levi scenario #attack on titan headcanons #attack on titan #aot #aot x reader #attack on titan x reader #attack on titan scenario #attack on titan levi #levi ackerman #levi x reader #levi imagine #snk #shingeki no kyojin #eren jaeger #jean kirstein #mikasa ackerman #sasha blouse #connie springer #annie leonhardt #reiner braun #bertholdt hoover #aot imagine #short kings clan

[raineydaywrites]

Nesting Chapter 13

on ao3 (x)

Fic Summary: Taako and Lup are determined to kick ass at going to university, even though their childhood education was anything but traditional.

Then, Taako finds himself in a situation that threatens to undermine all their hard work.

But there's plenty of university students that have kids! Really, this is just another chance to show how much better they are at everything they do- they can definitely manage to graduate and raise a kid at the same time.

Chapter summary: The IPRE crew is starting to come together!! This is pure fluff.

Chapter: Once he'd started showing, it didn't take long for stretchy and flowy clothing choices to be his only real options. He wasn't yet stuck with only pregnancy clothes, would be able to fit into some of the stuff he'd already owned for a little while yet, but he was getting there.

By now he'd basically stolen a good percent of Lup's stretchy and flowy clothes as well, finding himself frustrated with the decrease in his wardrobe options. She'd let him for the most part, with only the occasional annoyed look instead of any confrontations about the matter, which he was very grateful for. He didn't want to feel self-conscious about the way he looked now, but every once in a while the thoughts popped up and being able to wear mostly clothing that he'd already liked instead of generic pregnancy clothes all the time was helping with that.

Random people around him were starting to notice. He could tell. Very few of them had said anything quite yet, because it was rude to assume and all that, but he noticed the way that people's eyes would catch briefly on his stomach, or they would offer him a seat or whatever without saying anything.

He appreciated the seat thing, honestly. His feet and legs had hurt a lot recently, which he hadn't expected so early in. He still had so much time to go; both he and the baby still had a lot of growing to do, so the discomfort was sure to only get worse from here. Sitting down as much as possible made that a lot better.

Being clocked as a pregnant person by strangers wasn't making him as dysphoric as he'd feared. It happened sometimes, but he could handle it for the most part. He could accept being seen as feminine at times, as long as it wasn't the only thing people saw him as ever. So he was getting by.

No, for the most part, it was just weird. This whole thing was so personal and private, and yet so many people knew about it without knowing a single other thing about him. Taako had always been a bit showy, but that didn't mean that he wasn't also a very private person. He liked being the center of attention when he was in control of it.

He wasn't in control of almost any of this.

Wasn't all bad though. Kiddo had started moving around a lot more- they weren't really kicking yet, which Lup was incredibly disappointed about, but Taako appreciated the fact that the movements weren't hurting him, so as far as he was concerned, baby could wait on that as long as they liked.

It was weird to feel someone moving inside of him like this, but it was nice too. A reminder that he hadn't messed them up. They were here, they were alive, and they were active.

The morning sickness wasn't completely gone, but it had diminished severely and now his biggest appetite problem had jumped to the opposite side of the spectrum. He was hungry all the time, and sometimes for really weird stuff, but at least that problem was one he was more comfortable handling. Now that he could cook again without fearing that he'd quickly lose anything he got down, he had this shit taken care of. And if he didn't have whatever he was craving, he could just transmute it from something else. He pitied the poor fools who couldn't, who just had to deal with it some other way.

He and Lup had turned in their applications for the planar exploration expedition a little bit ago, and now the only thing to do was wait. Taako had wondered if he should disclose his pregnancy in the application. The only thing worse than getting turned down for the expedition would be to be accepted, only to be told that they wouldn't send someone pregnant on a mission like this.

But in the end, he decided not to. There wasn't a set date for the mission yet, at least, not one that they'd revealed to the applicants or the public, so it might not even be an issue by then. It would definitely take months for them to make their selections, and probably a fair amount of training time after that, so there was no point in giving them a reason to doubt his capabilities before they even really considered him.

He really hoped that Lup would get the opportunity at least. If he couldn't go, the next best thing was for his sister to get the chance. She had insisted that she wouldn't go without him, but he refused to be the reason that she missed out on an opportunity like this.

But Lup had equally refused to leave him alone when he was heavily pregnant and soon to give birth.

They'd ended up managing to compromise that she would stay if the mission date would overlap his due date, because he didn't exactly love the idea of going through those experiences alone either. He'd really been trying to avoid thinking about the entire idea of labor, because he knew it would be one of the most painful experiences of his life, and that was both terrifying and unavoidable.

"The shit I'm gonna go through for you..." Taako mumbled to himself- mumbled to the parasite, more specifically, because he wasn't normally the type of guy to talk to himself when no one else was around. If only because he had very rarely been in a situation where he had no one else around.

He was sure he'd heard somewhere that babies could hear stuff at some point, but he had no idea when. He'd thought about looking up stuff like that, but it kept slipping his mind.

He'd only ended up looking up one of those 'how big is my baby' sites once, because it had made his hormones go absolutely wild and he'd turned into an absolute mess, crying about how tiny the little guy was. He had been very glad that Lup had not been in the room with him, because even though he knew she wasn't going to judge him, especially right now, she still would have found it very funny, and he'd have felt embarrassed about it.

He was a stone-cold bitch, not a sap who cried over cute things!

It was different though, when his hormones were acting different than usual,- when it was his cute thing.

He was allowed to think his own child was cute! He just didn't want anyone to think that he couldn't still be a badass while also loving his kid! He's a multidimensional being, he's allowed to feel both things!

He let one hand rest on his stomach over where the baby was fluttering around while he checked the mailbox.

He hadn't expected anything interesting, so he went still with surprise when he pulled out two envelopes from the Institute- one bearing his name and the other with Lup's.

He would wait for Lup to get back before he opened them. They should do this together- he didn't want to do it without her anyway, no matter what the results were. If they were good or if they were bad, he would figure it out with his sister by his side- as they always had been.

Still, despite his determination not to open the letters without Lup, he couldn't stop his mind from thinking about it.

The envelopes were rather thin. Was that a bad sign? Would they have sent more information if they'd been accepted? The two envelopes were about the same width, which could either mean that they'd both gotten the same results or that there was no extra info for people who had been accepted to the next phase.

Which basically meant, he still had absolutely no idea of what the results were, just as he always had. The only difference now was that he couldn't stop thinking about it.

He tried to get some homework done, but it quickly became clear that that was a lost cause. But he couldn't seem to get invested in anything else either- nothing fun, nothing productive- he just sat at the kitchen table, one leg bouncing anxiously as he waited for his sister to get home.

Her class should be done by now, what the hell was she doing?

When the front door finally opened, he shot Lup an exasperated look, and asked exactly that.

"I went for coffee with Lucretia," Lup said, frowning in mild confusion.

"Ugh, gods, of course you pick the absolute worst time to go on your first date with her," Taako groaned. He may have been low-key encouraging them to spend time together, but he hadn't expected it to backfire on him like this.

Lup blushed at his words, and Taako rolled his eyes as she sputtered, "It's not like that! We're friends!"

So apparently, even the silver lining he'd thought he spotted for a second there was taken from him.

"Did something happen?" Lup asked, putting away her bags without even looking at him. She had gotten used to the fact that Taako could be extra irritable than usual with his mood swings, and since he didn't look hurt or sad or scared or anything, she figured it was probably no big deal.

"We got the results from the Institute!" Taako announced, and Lup spun to face him, her eyes going wide.

"What? Oh my gods, gimme!" she said, reaching grabby hands out towards her brother.

Taako handed it over to her, already ripping open his own, finally.

His eyes quickly skimmed the letter, past the formal niceties to figure out what he actually wanted to know.

 You are invited to the next round of selections. An interview-

Having parsed the relevant part, he looked up to Lup with a huge grin on his face, and felt it grow bigger when he realized that she was giving him the same smile.

"You got into round two, right?" he asked anyway, needing to make sure.

"You know it!" Lup said, delighted, holding up a hand for a high five that Taako immediately returned.

"Me too, natch," Taako said, casual, as if he'd never doubted it for a second. He pulled Lup into a hug, even though that had been getting harder to do recently.

Gods he hoped they'd planned this thing for a time when he could actually go. He was already starting to show by now, and it would only get more obvious as the interview date neared, so he could hardly hide it from them.

Not that he'd ever try to keep it from them completely. He couldn't hide it forever, and it would only piss them off if they found out after they'd actually offered him a spot. And for all he knew, it could be hella risky for the baby to leave the planar system, and he really ought to ask the experts first instead of crossing his fingers and hoping for the best. He couldn't risk hurting the kid for an opportunity that he knew he was good enough to get again in the future. Going on the very first expedition would be a dream, but it would still be amazing to go on any expedition.. It would be a disappointment if he had to wait, but not one worth hurting his kid over.

Still, he'd have preferred to get in at least a good first impression before breaking that bit of news to his hopefully future employers. He knew that he could be a bit of an acquired taste, but he could do a good first impression when he tried. This wasn't going to help with that. They probably had a tone of applicants who weren't PR nightmares in the making. Taako was good, but he wasn't sure he was good enough to convince them to risk the press tearing them apart over sending a pregnant person on a potentially dangerous mission.

Nothing to do about it now though. He'd go, and he'd make his best case for himself, and they'd make a decision. All he could do was try his best to convince them that he was absolutely irreplaceable.

-

Lucretia had asked to come visit the weekend before their interviews were scheduled. She'd seemed really excited about something over the call, and Lup and Taako had news to share as well, so Lup told her she could come over now if she wanted to.

Taako had rolled his eyes at that, as if he wasn't also excited to boast about being invited to the next round, just as much as she was.

Even if Lup had admitted to herself that okay, maybe she had a bit of a crush of Lucretia, that didn't meant that everything she did around the other girl was a sign of that! She wanted to hang out with a friend and get praised for what a good job she and her brother had done! That's it! She just liked having friends and being complimented!

When Lucretia arrived, she was wearing a bright yellow sundress, and Lup couldn't quite take her eyes off of her. She looked really good in it.

See, now that was the kind of thing that Taako had a right to tease her about- even if she really hoped he'd ignore it instead of tormenting her with it.

Didn't seem like that was all that likely though, given the shit-eating grin he gave her at the look on her face, before greeting Lucretia with, "Looking good, Creesh!"

"Thanks!" Lucretia smiled at him, tossing her hair a bit and posing cutely, which was absolutely unfair. "It's finally getting warmer out so I couldn't resist."

"Hey, when you look that good in something, why try to resist at all, right?" Lup said. That was probably too strong a compliment. "That's my attitude, at least," she added. It was true- Lup knew she was hot and she enjoyed showing that off- and hopefully it would make the first thing she said less incriminating.

A slight blush had taken over Lucretia's face at the continuing compliments, and considering how hard it was for a blush to show on her dark skin, she must have been pretty affected by it.

Gods, Lup had to do something about that. It was weird how Lucretia could be so confident in some ways and so insecure and withdrawn in others. She was clearly proud of her work and her skills, but in social situation, she turned into a nervous mess. Lup found it equal parts endearing and exasperating.

"So what's this big news?" Taako asked, breaking the silence and prompting Lucretia to perk up in excitement, back to confident once again.

"I've ghost-written a few biographies before- I don't think I told you guys that, but anyway- and so I earned a reputation, of sorts and I was invited to apply as a chronicler for a really interesting project soon, and I just got the news that I've been officially chosen!" Lucretia announced, giddy with excitement.

"That's awesome!" Lup said, high-fiving Lucretia, and Taako echoed the sentiment and offered a thumbs up from his position on the couch. "What the project?"

"I'm not supposed to give out too many details, but it's a kind of exploratory mission for the Institute," Lucretia explained.

"Wait- you mean the one to explore other planes, yeah?" Taako asked.

"Yes- how you do you know about that?" Lucretia asked, tilting her head like a curious bird.

"We applied as arcanists for the mission," Taako said, voice trying to project 'casual and sure of himself,' but slowly getting more and more excited too. "Got past the first round of approval and we're going in to interview next week."

Lucretia's mouth popped open in surprise, before splitting into another wide grin. "Are you kidding me?"

"Nah, babe, totally serious," Lup said, bouncing on her toes eagerly. "They haven't made final selections for arcanists yet- obviously- but it would be so cool to go on the mission with you!"

Lucretia nodded eagerly. "Of course. I hope you get it!"

Taako stood up from the couch with a tiny bit of difficulty that Lup and Lucretia pointedly didn't comment on to give Lucretia another high five, and then offering another to Lup as well, just for the hell of it.

"How come you get to know already?" he asked, mock annoyed. "Must be saving the best for last."

Lucretia just giggled, too happy to take any offense to that. "I think probably there are fewer writers who even applied than there are arcanists. Like, a lot of writers are probably much happier not going out on brand new ships with experimental technology into places we've never been to before. Not that I can understand that at all. So it's easier to narrow us down than the narrow down all the people who have literally been studying to do exactly this."

"Okay, we have to get chosen now, Ko. This whole setup is just getting better and better," Lup said.

"For sure. I am not going a couple months without either of my best babysitters," Taako said.

"You think I'm gonna be super good at babysitting, Koko?" Lup raised an eyebrow. "You realize I know jackshit about babies, right?"

"My cheapest babysitters," Taako amended.

"I am not watching your kid for free, even if they are my nibling," Lucretia immediately denied, shaking her head. "Knowing you, they're going to be a handful, and I demand payment in food, at least."

"Yeah, my cheapest babysitters, like I said," Taako insisted. He paused a moment, as another thought occurred to him. "You think they'll let us bring the kiddo if we promise not to let 'em bother everybody else? Like, they'd have three separate family members to wrangle them; I'm sure we could work something out."

"No?" Lucretia said. "I mean, like, that would be ideal, I admit, but I don't think the people arranging this mission are insane. No offense."

"I mean, totally worth a shot though, right?" Taako turned to Lup. "Worst they could say is no! You miss 100% of the shots you never take!"

"That is never gonna happen, but yeah, we can ask," Lup said. "You never know. I mean, Creesh, you say they're not insane, but isn't this whole concept a tiny bit insane? If you think about it?"

Lucretia shrugged, grinning, not letting any worries that this wouldn't work out dampen her excitement. "You know, I suppose you have a point. Ideally, this mission isn't being led by people with such poor decision making skills, but if it is- hey, silver lining, we all get to go together!"

"Yeah!" Taako cheered at her willingness to go along with the goof. "That's the spirit!"

Lup laughed so hard she thought she might fall over. Gods, as much as she loved Taako, she was realizing that having more people than just him around was even better. She hadn't realized how isolated they were until recently. She didn't actually need anybody but Taako, but it was kind of nice to have them anyway. Her family was getting bigger with at least the addition of the baby, and maybe she could even count Lucretia as family too, indirectly at least.

It had always been her and Taako against everyone else, and they could handle that. But getting a few more people on their side wasn't a bad thing. Far from it. It was the best thing.

#taako adventurezone #lup adventurezone #lucretia adventurezone #taz balance #my writing