#and she knows how much shit ive been through and how hard i’ve worked
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okay i was wondering if you could a joel x fem reader maybe even dbf joel where it’s loosely based on the song diet mountain dew by lana del rey? like the pining part of it and also the lyric “let’s take jesus of the dashboard” THATS SO HOT TO ME SO IDK
ive never requested anything before soo hope this is okay 🫣🫣
ahhhhhh, this one is a doozy
Ride It
pre-outbreak!Joel Miller x f!reader
joel milller masterlist
She calls her dad's co-worker for a ride and gets a little more than she was expecting.
warnings | 18+ SMUT, age gap, DBF!joel, and not much else y'all
............................
“Hello?”
“Mr. Miller?” She can hear sheets rustling, his gruff sigh over the crackling receiver.
“It’s late, honey. What’s wrong?” Her heart stutters at the sweet name he calls her, the same name he’s called her since she first met him when her dad started working for Miller Construction four years ago.
“It’s my car. I think I have a flat tire and I can’t drive on it.” A long sigh filters through the phone.
“You should call your dad. He’s probably worried sick about you.”
“No! I can’t– he’s gonna be so pissed. Please, Mr. Miller. Would you– would you come get me? I know you’re good with cars and all. Please?” Another long sigh.
“Alright, honey. Will you tell me where you are?” She does, pulled over on the shoulder of the highway, a little ways out of the city but nowhere near home.
“Hang tight, I’m coming.”
“Thank you, Mr. Miller.”
“I’ve told you a thousand times– just Joel, honey.”
“Thank you, Joel.”
“I’ll be there soon.” She clicks her cell phone shut with a sigh, slumping back in the driver’s seat of her car. Her stomach swirls in anticipation. Normally, she’d try to tamp down the crush she’s had on Joel for quite some time, but after a night out in the city with a few of her old high school friends, she’s just warmed up enough to let her mind race with thoughts of him. It’s silly, something that could never really happen, seeing as her dad has been best friends with Joel for years. But it wasn’t impossible, was it? After all, he’s younger than her dad, and only fifteen years older than her. Jesus christ, get a grip. She huffs, shaking her head to still her thoughts as she looks out at the pitch-black Texas night.
It isn’t long before headlights are brightening up the inside of her car and she turns in her seat to see Joel’s familiar pick up truck pulling up behind her.
….
The rosary that hangs off her rear-view mirror is swaying harshly, the only sound beside their harsh panting and the sticky slap of skin is it clinking into the windshield over and over again. She’s not entirely sure how they got here, a mixture of late night talking and boundaries being flirted with until they both gave in to something they couldn’t have in the light of day.
“Shit, honey– fucking squeezing me– bit of a stretch for you, huh?” A high-pitched whine falls from her lips, her nails digging into the fabric of his unbuttoned flannel. Joel lets out a breathy laugh.
“That’s it, bounce on it for me, there you go– fuck– boys at school just not cutting it, are they? Need someone with a little more skill.” He punctuates his last word with a jolting thrust up that has the swollen tip of his cock grazing a spot so deep inside her it makes her crumple up against him, his rough fingers digging into her ass to support her as he starts a jagged rhythm of his own.
“C’mon, miss college. Use your words. Who’s making you feel so good?” She hadn’t been expecting it, a surprised yelp leaving her lips when he smacks the curve of her ass, hard, broad palm sure to leave a mark. There is nothing comfortable about the position they’re in, her straddling his lap, scrunched over him in the driver seat, one hand pressed up against the car door window while the other digs into his shoulders for stability. But all she can focus on is the sweet snap of pain and pleasure licking up her spine with each of his thrusts.
“You, Joel– you feel so good– want more– please, please–” Her words die in her throat when he thrusts up particularly hard, pressing her hips down to meet him and holding her there in a deep grind. She lets out a choked sob of his name, cunt clenching hard around him and coaxing a low moan from the back of his throat.
“Been wanting this for a while, haven’t you, honey?” His words are a smear against her bare chest where he had tugged down the front of her dress and bra, leaving harsh grazes of his teeth to the swell of her tits. He chuckles when the only response she gives him is a preening whine.
“Fucking knew it. You think I didn’t see how you were looking at me? Practically begging for it– shit– dirty little thing, aren’t you? What would your old man say, huh? Does he know his daughter’s just a little slut?” His voice is a southern slur stamped hotly into her skin, low and drawling and all melted together, pushing her even closer to the brink as her wetness starts to smear down hers and Joel’s thighs, the sound of skin slicking and sticking with each thrust becoming impossibly lewd. It’s almost too much when his one hand dips under her rucked up skirt, fingers harshly toying with her clit.
“Give it to me, honey. Make a fucking mess, c’mon.” The pleasure floods over in an instant, the only sound she can make is a breathy chant of his name as her hips seize up and she spasms around him. He’s not far behind as he thrusts into her a few more times before his hips stutter to a stop and she feels his warmth spreading inside her. She clings to him, both of them breathing hard and flushed with pleasure.
“Jesus christ, I’m sorry– I should’ve–”
“S’fine, I’m on the pill.” He throws his head back into the headrest at that, chest still heaving. But he doesn't stay still for long, jostling her in his hold as he suddenly leans forward and yanks the rosary still clinking into the windshield clean off the rearview mirror, tossing it haphazardly onto the passenger seat. She quirks an eyebrow at him as he settles back into the seat.
“Damn noise was driving me insane.”
#joel miller smut#joel miller fanfiction#joel miller x you#joel miller x reader#joel miller#joel miller au#joel miller imagine#tlou#the last of us#tlou fanfiction
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when do you stop feeling like you're waiting for your life to start? im 22 and ive accomplished nothing, it feels like im at a standstill.
Well, for starters, I had a breakdown in a meijer parking lot at 8:15pm yesterday, sobbing to boygenius as I was telling myself that I’ve paused my life for the past four years to try and heal from crippling childhood trauma and therefore I haven’t really had the chance to truly have fucking fun and live life man.
My 20s have been a lot of healing and slowing down as life continues to move past me so fucking quickly. I told myself I was gonna have fun this year and instead I got my heart broken, I relapsed in my OCD, I cut ties with a shit therapist who invalidated me time and time again and I played far too many video games. Through out it all I also lost so many friendships who don’t fully understand how debilitating OCD truly is and my current social life consists mostly of imaginary conversations I have inside my head. But hey, we’re still fucking kicking! What really defines an accomplishment man? Whose timeline are you comparing yourself too? Most of the lives constantly being lived so publicly are led by neurotypical people with such big opportunities very different from lives like ours man. Therefore you’re doing yourself a disservice to try and compare your life to theirs. Acceptance is the hardest pill to swallow. I truly despise patience. Yet I also have to come to terms with the fact that I move at a much slower and methodical pace than everyone else around me. I know in the long run I’ll be grateful I decided to heal now as opposed to later but I still feel so fucking robbed man. Of time. And opportunities. And life. Time that I may never get back. Time in which others my age spent developing their careers or social relationships, I was stuck in my little room listening to sad lesbian music and having no one around but my dog and the obsessive thoughts that felt intensely unavoidable. I’d say life, or at least the life you’re talking about, will never truly start man. That life is just a piece of fiction. I guess what I’m trying to say is that life has already started, it’s just waiting for you to notice. Your perception is just warped, much like mine, but I know that although I can list all of these awful things that have happened over these past four years, I know that nudged somewhere in between it all, I’ve still lived. I saw some sick ass concerts, I gave myself my first stick and poke, I got drunk and shared to much, I allowed myself to question love and it’s mechanisms and meaning, I started a photo blog and have steadily worked towards creating what I see everyday in to something others can relate or come back to, I got punched in the face, I busted my lip trying to open a bottle of vodka, I drank to much caffeine and felt like I’d ascended to a higher state of consciousness. After I relapsed, I felt broken man. So much new trauma I’d have to go back to and stitch up all caused by trusting a professional who only made me believe that my own personal experience of the things I’d gone through was actually wrong. Yet somehow, it ended with me finally believing myself once more. And vowing to never let anyone make me feel like she did ever again. 11 years of trauma and hard work doesn’t deserve to be so easily destroyed just because you have a degree and I don’t. Still, I believed myself again. I believe myself now. And I know going forward that if we continuously compare ourselves to lives being lived that will never cross paths with ours then all we’re gonna do is spend eternity wondering when it will ever finally fucking begin. I promise you, it already has, and although I don’t know you, and you might believe that it’s been more bad than good, or that it’s not as valuable when compared to others achievements at your age, it’s still yours, and there’s still time, and it’s always been there, it’s just waiting for you to notice.
#one of these days I’m gonna just reply lol I don’t know to everyone’s asks lol#just kidding#if I have something to say you better believe im gonna say it#anyhow#asks#revelations
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I'd love to request some Junkrat dreaming about his parents, especially his Mum
And how proud they are of him
Give me the feels!
started writing this fic the second u sent it (sorry tf2 fans) cos ive been brainrotting on my sweet boy augh anyway, made this junkrat/you fic just so i could work it into my sleepy time fics and also cos .. youll see
tags: fluff, light angst, sleepy time fic number 3, comfort,, heavily based off shit i grew up w as a kid in australia, paranormal ghost shii, genderneutral reader, open interpretation,, weird pov thing oops
heavily inspired by these 3 clips just in case ur interested :-)
(spoiler warnings obv)
[game of tones] [bobs burgers] [tf2 comic #5, old wounds]
<3<3<3
He woke up in his childhood home, he furrowed his eyes at the surroundings and sat up, confused at how he fell asleep on the couch, and the TV buzzed from the heat. The kids channel was inactive as it tended to be late at night. He was remembering things that he hadn’t seen in years. He sat up and went to wobble his way around the building before both feet landed on the carpet.
He paused, noticing both legs in tact, then realising his arm was too. “It’s a dream.” He said plainly, realising what was happening. He began to make his way towards the kitchen, the bright light seeping down the hallway and into the dark lounge room.
“Jamison!” The tall blonde woman called out to him.
“...Ma?” He looked at her confused and she handed him a plate full of meat and vegetables.
“I was wondering when you’d wake up, tea was about to go cold.” She smiled warmly at him, all he could really do was smile weakly back. “Something the matter?”
“Uh.. Nah, nah.” He hesitated.
He’d dreamed of his mother before but not quite to this much extent. Not this much detail, it was uncanny how real it felt.
“Dinner looks good.”
She placed her plate of food on the bench and put a hand on his face. “You look so grown up.” She frowned at him slightly.
“What?” He was taken back and put his plate on the bench too.
“How long has it been?”
He froze for a minute. “Close to fifteen years.” She kept rubbing her thumb over his cheek before he pulled her hand away.
“That’s a long time.” She laughed softly. “What’s happened?”
He furrowed his eyebrows and shrugged casually. “Not much.. Lost my leg.. Lost my arm.. Survived the Omnic Crisis.”
She grabbed his now in-tact amputated arm and ran her hands over his forearm. “That must’ve been hard.”
“It was.”
He was a little uneasy about how she somehow knew which arm was gone. They just stood there in silence for a long period of time.
“Is this real?” Jamie laughed awkwardly. “It’s just a dream, right?”
She looked up at him and a moment’s silence passed over them and a sense of knowing filled the air.
“I’ve missed you.” She said softly.
“I’ve missed you too but how.. How are you..?”
“I bet you’ve done great things since I’ve been gone.”
He pressed his lip into a fine line at her changing the topic but then frowned at the knowledge that she would not be proud of her son if she knew of all the awful things he’s done.
“I don’t know about that..”
“What have you been up to?” She responded casually, as if making small talk with a friend you see once a month.
“I’m a criminal now.” He shrugged with a nervous laugh. “I make a lot of money and.. It makes me happy, I’ve met a lot of good people through it. I’ve travelled the world.” He rambled a little, almost like he was trying to sell a product.
“If it makes you happy, then I’m proud of you.” She sounded faintly disappointed yet still felt genuinely proud of him for finding what makes him happy and finding people that he loved.
“You’re not.. Upset?”
“I think I can understand why things happened the way they did.” She placed a reassuring hand on his arm. “You’ll always be my baby, no matter what. I don’t think it makes you a bad person for trying to survive.”
There’s another long gap of silence, both not sure what to say next.
“Tell me about your friends.”
“Ah, my friends?” He hesitated. “Where do I even start?”
“Tell me about the big one.” She smiled.
“Roadhog? His names Mako but he don’t like when we call him that. He’s my best friend, he’s basically like a brother. He’s been there for almost everything, thick and thin, y'know? He's the only person who I can really count on.”
“And the other one?”
“Y/n.. They’re.. Well. I'm lucky to have ‘em, I think you'd love ‘em too. Y’know, in a strange way, they remind me a lot of you. They’re both really important to me and I’m grateful to have them.”
Silence lingers in the air once again, an awkward stillness of uncertainty. What do you even say in this situation? What could you possibly talk about?”
“So.. There’s an afterlife?” She stayed silent. “Why’d it take you so long to visit? Why are you suddenly visiting me now?”
“I think you know why.” A lot of ideas raced through his head, so many possibilities on why. She spoke plainly with a slight sentiment of sadness at the end of her words. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
She wrapped her arms around his torso and pulled him into a tight embrace. He hesitated but hugged her back, savouring the moment.
“I think it’s time for you to wake up.” She said softly.
“I don’t want to yet.” He said as she pulled out of the hug and kissed his forehead.
He jumped awake with a loud gasp. I was leaning over him with my hand resting on his shoulder. “Jamie? Are you okay?”
“Huh?”
“You’re crying.”
He wiped his face in a hurry with his hand and attempted to with his bicep.
“I’m fine just.. Realising some stuff.” He smiled up at me warmly though it was clear something happened to upset him.
“You can talk to me, you know?”
“I know.” He continued to smile. I handed him a water bottle and smiled back at him. “I’ll tell you about it later. Just gotta think on it.”
#asks#fluff#junkrat#jamison fawkes#overwatch#jamison fawkes overwatch#junkrat overwatch#overwatch junkrat#overwatch jamison fawkes#junkrat x you#junkrat x reader#jamison fawkes x you#jamison fawkes x reader#overwatch x you#overwatch x reader#overwatch fluff#angst#overwatch angst#junkrat fluff#junkrat angst
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watched the first two episodes of oshi no ko a while back (REALLY FUCKING GOOD, ive been a manga reader for a while but i stopped reading the recent chapters and basically forgot everything except for the major points and god it’s so satisfying to have the adaptation remind me of what i’ve forgotten in the most beautiful way possible)
but this post isnt about onk, it’s about izaya!! izaya orihara!! lets fucking goooooooooo izaya idol au!!!! i cant get this flea out of my BRAIN
i was about to open a new canvas to draw some more shizaya stuff for my animatic that im never gonna finish and i was like huh. maybe i should draw onk fanart. and then i remembered this art of venti genshin impact with ai’s eyes and i remembered thinking man i hope this becomes an artist trend for people to do with their art blorbos! and then i was like OH. guess i could contribute to the trend by drawing izaya with ai’s eyes
and then i started thinking and i was like huh. Ai’s never experienced love from her parents, doesn’t think she knows how to love or how to express it, doesn’t get attached to others easily, is a perpetual liar, became an idol because she hoped she would learn how to love - oh hey doesnt. that. sound like izaya. just a little bit. not exactly, her character goes into more learning how to love/that she can love while izaya’s character is i can love but only impersonally because i’m afraid of getting hurt and his arc would be learning to let his walls down for his own good
SO for izaya idol au, izaya would become an idol because he wants to experience love, or something along the lines of “there’s no greater demonstration of parasocial love and foolish decision making than in the idol industry! ahaha~” and probably “idols are perfect liars and i need to put myself into their shoes so i can become an even better liar and close myself off to any possibility of falling in love that could ever exist”
there’s a lot of reasons he might want to become an idol, really. there’s so much corruption and behind-the-scenes dealing and lies and facades and shit in the entertainment industry that i think izaya would eat for breakfast. he would LOVE witnessing that shit and making his own shady deals and stuff and occasionally ruining lives and watching people rise and fall down the rankings and tear each other down. plus the people who are in it for passion rather than money are fascinating as well. psychology student’s dream really- i mean what this is definitely about izaya and not me projecting
plus he definitely has the looks for it (narita would hard agree given how many times he’s indirectly called izaya attractive through other characters. we love a canonically hot king)
now i need to make everything shizaya because i’m not okay but i have no idea who shizuo would be lmao
like you could make him some up and coming manager (no age difference stuff here sorry lmao) or a fellow idol (doubtful. shizuo can act cute but i dont think he could dance) or an actor like akane/kana or a streamer??? like memcho (my favorite character)
a mangaka/screenplay writer/writer in general could also work but i feel like you’d have less reason to interact with idols that way
idk how japanese idol groups work for men in particular or if there’s even like a market for that :sob: id have to look into that if i actually started making stuff for this au
alternatively izaya crossdresses as a female idol and somehow no one realizes. except for shizuo. that would be hilarious actually. he refuses to do swimsuit modeling or other provocative stuff and his fans are like “oh?? the brazen kanra-chan is unexpectedly shy?? how cute” and he plays into it but inwardly he’s like. god i know exactly how im gonna go out with a bang when i retire. and shizuo watches him playing at being shy on tv knowing that that motherfucker is planning to strip on his last days as an idol
anyway this is just me spitballing ideas but ill definitely write at least a concept/intro fanfic of this at some point so stay tuned lmAo im just about to run out of writing juices on ABAON so i gotta transfer my energy somewhere else and where better than the idol!izaya au
#shizaya#idolzaya#ill be using that tag for whatever idol au stuff i come up with#i drafted this like. five days after the onk anime came out#this has been drafted for way longer than i wanted it to be#this was also sorta inspired by the idol!kim dokja au fic that’s really popular#i think the male idol industry is way stronger in korea than japan thiugh#that said i dont interact with idols at all personally lmAOO so i have no idea#i will do research later i promise#and read more of more more jump!’s stories for inspiration PFF#i wonder if izaya’s group should be a bunch of drrr girls or like. mostly irrelevant side characters#or if he should just go solo which again. i need to research how hard that would be#i feel like he might want to blend in a bit inside a group#would be fun to observe the jealousy and drama and group dynamics up close too#because if they get jealous of HIM at any point he might just laugh until he dies#i have more ideas but i should save those for the fanfic….#anyway#izaya orihara#shizuo heiwajima#durarara#im excited for this one bro oshi no ko is one of my favorite series ever#but like. not for the romance just because i really like learning about the entertainment industry LMAOO#i dont ship aqua with anyone tbh#can he just be besties with everyone pls#i loved his and kana’s relationship in the beginning where they’re like two good actors in a room full of mids#that was a fun dynamic but it just went downhill for me personally#oh well i can talk about this in my author’s notes pff
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im midway through the island as im typing this but ive watched streams before playing so i kinda know what happens!!! okay so like i know the scars are... Not So Great, but their gAFF???? impeccable. as a certified Forrest Bitch, this shit fucks.
the extras too??? the MODEL VIEWER??? every time i load up the game i have to look at alice, shes so precious and i feel so bad that ive most definately killed her as ellie :( and the concept art??? incredible!!! i love this kind of thing, i think its so cool to see how a game develops!! the woman dancing with joel intrigues me, like i know a lot of people see her as a potential love interest and yeah thats probably it but what if, wHAT IF- its tess. i know that sounds so stupid but i picture him missing her in jackson and reminiscing, like what would it be like if she were here?? would she have liked it? because i really dont see him being with anyone else DO YOU GET MY VISION (tess x reader?????? yeah the vibes fuck)
the IMAGERY????? the SYMBOLISM??????? i could talk about it forever and a day!!! the reoccurring theme of open windows is my favourite i love it so much, the autism bestie... its autisming!!!! thank you so much for listening to me rant about this
The island is the me of my FAV sections of the game. Tbh all of Abby’s gameplay is better than Ellie’s SUE ME. And I am a mega stealth bitch I love stealth play and the stealth on the island? AMAZING.
The scars are tbh one of the most interesting game villains I’ve come across. Like they’re high key crazy but they’re so interesting.
If you love concept art I really suggest getting the ‘ the art of the last of us ‘ books! I have them and they are literal masterpieces and have so much additional text/ Info explaining everything. I’m the same and am a sucker for seeing how games are made and admiring the art. Even in game I love exploring everything cause I’m like ‘ PLS LEMME LOOK AND APPRECIATE ALL YOUR HARD WORK ITS SO PRETTY’
I’m really glad they didn’t go with some of their early ideas like the Joel’s love interest route and the Abby infiltrates Jackson route. But especially the Joel one like, I already get annoyed by the fact that Joel kinda doesn’t mention/ have a reaction about Tess even once after she dies so seeing him move on would’ve made me incredibly salty 😂💀 I am a Tess x reader girly out of canon we been knew. But in canon I am such a Joel x Tess girlie.
I love rambling about this game so you’re so welcome lmao pls rant to me whenever! I will happily rant back
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Dear Journal,
I need to manifest. So i’m back again and Im finally going to air out everything that i’ve been thinking, or have been thinking about. I don’t even know if any of this shit is going to make sense but it doesn’t even matter. just type h0w you feel. now lets start with why i feel like i’m stuck. in the same spot. I feel like everything is just so mundane. when I wake up in the morning I get ready and immediately have to do a video. Most of the days I don’t even want to do that, but i promise you im not being ungrateful. It’s just., i feel like ive finally reached the point of no return when it comes with “creating content.” i don’t have the drive for it as much as i used to because I finally have what ive been wanting for my whole entire life. I have a record deal! and it just sucks because now that i have what ive been longing for, i don’t have the money to keep up with it. why is it that talent doesn’t matter anymore? Its all about how much money you have and how you can pay your way to the top. I hate that shit. Like??? not everyone has fucking money to do that. but its okay, because I know my angels have been sending me signs thru my angel numbers. So they’ve been letting me know in their own ways that i need to just keep going. And i will. IT’s just hard sometimes and thats exactly why i had to get my journaling out. In any way that I could think of., Anyway i really do hope and pray that some more money comes in. I’m very grateful and happy that the angels sent me that gift from wells fargo. So a few years ago I had a wells fargo bank account, and then i closed it. but for some reason they sent me a check TODAY and told me that theyre sorry for their inconvenience. Kind of wild, but i’m not going to ask any questions. So I am happy .,.thanks angels. I hope that I can land a brand deal because I reallllly need one. The livestreaming thing for “gifts” isn’t the only thing i should be doing. I need to find ways to bring in more money. I’ll have to start trying to reach out to brands with a full schedule on how I think we should work together and the budget they could give me. I’ll figure this out. because I always do. I’m strong, I’m resilient, and I am that girl. I’ve got this. But now that I’m done going over that, I have another thing I’d like to talk about. And that is my “friend”. You see i put that in quotations because she’s literally starting to annoy me. I feel like I’ve checked out of that friendship for a while now because all she does is talk about her boyfriend. It’s like she wants to put our men in a competition again her boyfriend ., i promise you girly.. nobody wants your man. first of all hes not even cute. you send him into the group chat saying hes so hot like we’re all suppoosed to agree with you?? why?? why would you do that? none of us do that in the chat. and also, none of my friends talk about their boyfriends as much as you do. its literallly the most annoying thing she does. this girl literally talks about her boyfriend every second of the day and if we’re not talking about him, she literally finds a way to sneak him into the conversation and im literally done with it. i want to tell her about herself but i dont want to be the bad guy in chatt. but im serious. ive had enough. and lets not forget the fact that he cheated on her.... and the worst part is he did it ONLINE. how you gonna cheat on ur gf on the internet bruh... first of all how did she find out??? going through his phone like an insecure girly... im cant relate and im so glad. but i need to figure out why im so mad when she talks about him. it cant be because i want her man because i dont... so cross that off the list. i dont like her ...you know..more than friends.. because thats just weird. although i thought about it beofrre. idky. but i regret that. and im startting to think that maybe its because im too afraid to show my man in the chat? mostly because i don’t want them to judge him. hes so cool and hes so cute to me. so im not about to sit here and let some girl who i dont even like that much talk shit on my man when hers cheated on her, so im not even going to risk it. shes so annoying bruh...she talks shit just like me, but is worse. she said she will never date someone fat. just shallow. its the worst type of person. my man is so good to me, and hes doing everything in his power to make sure he gets to keep me. because i am a prize. hes literally bettering himself and getting healthier because he wants to make sure hes around for a long time (health wise) and he probably wants to make sure he looks good for me. just like i make sure i look good for him. but anyway im so close to cutting that “friend” off but then she comes in the chat being nice to me on other days and starts talking about things that WE CAN ALL CONTRIBUTE TO in the chat and that makes me not want to cut her off. so i don’t really know what i want to do. but i do know that i feel better. and i also know that nobody in the chat wants her man i promise. so stop showing him and talking about him to us. just leave that between YALL. i promise you’ll be okay. shes just afraid of having a boring life or something. idk but im not the one. and i actually do feel better now that i’ve typed this. wow. journaling actually does help. lol i’ll try to be back tomorrow ;) xoxoxo <333333333333333333333333333
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lol im not sure my mental and physical health has ever been this bad.
im kinda suicidal again instead of just being numb, empty, and having depersonalization/derealization but I don’t even know who to tell. my friends are probably getting overwhelmed with me/tired of me doing so bad all the time. it’s gotta be a real bummer. can’t tell my family bc they freak out or the complete opposite just tell me it’s gonna be ok. my girlfriend has DID and hasn’t fronted in several days because she’s been having a hard time mentally and physically so one of her alters (who I am not dating) has been in control. this alter doesn’t really talk to me nearly as much as my gf usually does so my bpd (and general shit mental health atm) is having a fucking field day with that. i miss her a lot. Unrelated to her but I don’t sleep or eat enough. my house is disgusting and I can’t get myself to clean it. the stupid lexapro my psych made me try gave me so many fucking side effects and I stopped taking it days ago and I’m still having the worst fucking time. i have so many bruises and scabs from how bad my skin picking has gotten from the medicine. my jaw hurts so bad bc the med made me start clenching it/gritting my teeth all the time now. my teeth feel so weak and sensitive like I’m scared they’re gonna fucking break into pieces when I eat. my acne got worse too but idk if that’s bc of the medicine or bc my hormones are crazy OR bc I’ve been on my period for basically two months at this point. i have sores on my tongue that are painful and overstimulating just to feel and i want to bite them off or something. my wisdom teeth are hurting too. im so tired. I have no excitement. im just detached from life. I’m not enjoying anything. people’s concern for me is not even fucking hitting me like it should be. I’ll be like “I want to kms” and they’ll be like “holy shit I’m worried about you i love you don’t die” and I’m just like “🤷”. it’s very frustrating. everyday feels like a shitty dream. but i never wake up. ive barely even been listening to music. which is fucking wild for me. I just listen to YouTube at work. and it’s mostly like videos on disturbing/scary shit lately. like shit I’ve barely even touched before the last few weeks. I don’t know why I’m suddenly so interested in really fucked up stuff but nothing else hits the same. I guess I subconsciously just wanna feel something. so fear and discomfort is my go-to. I’m always in pain. I have the desire to abuse drugs or drink or SOMETHING to make myself feel better. but I still really don’t even do that. oh yeah and I relapsed twice this week. once wasn’t that bad but the second time was pretty fucking rough. it’s even worse bc I literally broke apart someone’s fucking shaving razor at my friend’s house and used one of the blades. then had to wake my friend up bc the cuts wouldn’t stop bleeding. I need serious help. I don’t want to be hospitalized though. I did that earlier this year and it was a complete waste of time. I wish I could just die. I’m so tired of pushing through this hell. And I can’t help but think “well i guess it could be worse” which is true but also every time I think that something else happens. I want out. Please. I wish I had the fucking balls to kill myself like ive wanted to for the past like 12 years. No one can help me. I can’t even help me. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I take the medicine. I go to therapy. I reach out to loved ones for help. I try to live my life. But it’s not fucking working. I’m so miserable.
#stfu lexy#text#very heavy stuff I’m ranting about please be warned#these are just for people’s blacklists btw#self harm#suicide#suicidal thoughts#medication#dermatillomania
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Dear Diary.
After working so many hours in the past few weeks, I’ve a moment to catch up.
I work at a store where it is absolutely amazing that the store remains open. People don’t follow the rules and literally run amok as employees, is mid boggling to me.
Some people actually steal shit. In the world of retail, if you open and consume a product before purchasing it then that’s considered stealing. I don’t give a flying fuck on a rolling doughnut that you can eventually pay for it, you did willingly with afore thought consumed said item and NOW YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR IT AFTER ITS GONE??!!
Then I had to fire three people. One was notorious for being a No Call No Show and then in a group text admitted that he was drunk and he had allegedly gone to hospital for an IV treatment for allegedly having alcohol poisoning.
Then there’s the problem child. He admits that he has been homeless for allegedly six years now. How his family abandoned him and kicked him out. I understand that he’s angry at the world but it’s also sad and obvious that he’s refusing to take responsibility and ownership for his actions.
I can speak to this. In the late 1970’s, 1978-1980, I was homeless because I was a junkie and I was actively using. A few people helped me but I eventually fucked it up due to my own personal reasons and I wanted to make it clear that I was there and that led me down a darker path. I ruined my own life and I also ruined their lives by telling their parents or whomever that I was a part of the problem. It didn’t matter what their families thought of them but I was just going to eradicate them. I poisoned them and myself no matter the consequences.
One example, a phone call. “Mrs. Blank, ever since your son, Blank, has been coming here to do this thing, he’s been having affairs with men and I’ve been one of them. I also know that he may have gotten some girl, Blank, pregnant since she told me she had an abortion.”
Then there’s my poison pen letters. I’d write them all down and go into excruciating detail about what I did wrong and how their child was in this situation. Don’t believe me? Then ask these people (names and numbers) who are in their lives. Some are friends and some are at the university.
I own my shit. I also know that I don’t flush Haagen Dazs French Vanilla. I don’t sleep on a bed of rose petals. I snore. I also have fits of rhinotillexomania when driving. I also have had a bout of flatulence at inappropriate times.
However the aforementioned problem child is playing the angry game of how he was wronged and the entire world is out to get him. When I went to the police station, I told them that I was sitting at home plotting to destroy his life even though I had only met a few weeks prior.
He rolled up on me on his scooter (everyone knows the sound it makes) and started hurling insults at me because that person hadn’t been fired even though they were selling drugs, involved in robbing the cradle (she’s in 50s and her boyfriend is 27) and stealing from the job. He called me retarded and I was a fucking faggot. He spewed a few more choice words and insults at me and then proceeded to leave.
I then promptly took to my narrow behind to the police and asked for a no trespass warrant. I added, I’m 64 years old and with out and about I do fear for my life.
Then after that, it went pretty much straight downhill from there and there I was at the job crying in front of customers.
Up to that point in time, I had been thinking I was doing a good job by being the acting manager (Meryl Streep acting manager) and with a few exceptions I had been working diligently and really hard on getting things done. It fell apart. As usual I eventually got it together and went through the remainder of the day. It had gotten ugly via text messages because no one was answering me. Some time later, I had gotten a text message from someone who knew I was going away to Palm Springs, if I was going to change my tickets and stick around to get it done.
FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER!! I PAID FOR THESE TICKETS BACK IN EARLY AUGUST AND I AM GOING TO FUCKING PALM SPRINGS YOU FECKLESS CUNT!!!
As I am writing this, I’m in the desert about a mile away from the actual town of Palm Springs but I’m here and they’re all flailing about.
The sun is shining. The wind is blowing. It’s currently 75 degrees. I’m now going to finish my coffee and have a cigarette and then I’m heading into the pool.
#dear diary#no your not the only one#i wrote this for me#inside my mind#my words#ramblings#my writing#pity party#bipolar depression#lgbtq#feckless people#its not fair#suck it up buttercup#ownership#responsibility
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i’m begging for you (take my hand)
this fic has 18+ content! MINORS DO NOT INTERACT. this is for your safety and mine! please respect that.
by continuing to read you are stating that you are over eighteen and understand this content is not meant for minors.
summary // bucky doesn’t do love, you love bucky. being friends with benefits makes sense, right? [bucky barnes x female!reader]
words // 19.0k (BUCKLE UP IT’S A LONG ONE)
warnings // modern!bucky, fwb! trope, brief love triangle (steve x reader x bucky), overall toxicity, cursing, daddy issues (bucky’s dad left), drinking, excessive use of nicknames (sweetheart/sweets/baby), oral sex (f! receiving), penetrative sex, unsafe sex (do not have unprotected sex!), spitting, thigh riding, bucky has a metal arm but it’s not explained why (it was a car accident & that is already known by reader)
notes // title from willow by taylor swift (this fic was originally titled heartbeat and inspired by childish gambino’s song of the same name) i just could not get modern bucky not knowing how to deal with feelings out of my head & it became this catastrophe [ive never written 18+ before so pls be gentle in your judgement of those scenes omg] happy reading!
if you enjoy this, reblogs & replies are greatly appreciated (especially when pieces take this much work)
》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《
“To Bucky Barnes, my now forever lawyer.” You hold out your wine glass and he meets you halfway in a cheers. Bucky laughs brightly as you praise him. “And now my sugar daddy, since he makes an insane amount of money as senior associate.”
The two of you are halfway through your second bottle of wine. “I’ve been a lawyer for four years. I’m just now becoming your go-to?” He holds a hand to his chest in faux hurt.
You lean towards him as you laugh. “I needed to make sure you were a good lawyer. Get me off murder charges good.” It feels like the two of you have been scooting closer to each other all night.
“Sweetheart, you know I’d be there to help you hide the body if you needed me to.” He leans towards you in a conspiratorial whisper. Your eyes move from his eyes to his lips before snapping back up. “Then get you off the charges.” He breathes out.
You can feel his breath on your face. The scent of red wine hits your noise and you can see it staining his lips. You want to kiss him so desperately, but you just can’t make the first move. You don’t think you could handle that rejection.
“I’m gonna kiss you.” He says quietly, his eyes scanning over your face for any sign of rejection. You swallow thickly before nodding. “Okay.” You whisper back before letting out a nervous giggle.
Bucky’s hand comes up to rest against your cheek. Its coldness relieves some of the heat that’s risen to underneath your skin from his proximity and the wine you’ve consumed.
Your eyes slide shut as he leans in. His nose nudging against yours before you feel his lips. You bring your hand up to rest on his chest. His lips are softer than you expected and taste like the wine they’re stained with. It’s everything you’ve dreamed of when dreaming of kissing Bucky.
He pulls away and looks at you with half lidded eyes. “You’re so pretty.” He mumbles. You feel heat crawl up the back of your neck at the honesty in his tone. He presses a kiss against your jaw. Then your neck. Your head falls to the side to allow him better access.
It’s easy to move into his lap when his hands grip at your hips. “Fuck.” Bucky moans as you grind down against him. You throw your head back in a moan as his lips trail down from your jaw to your neck.
“Shit.” You say breathlessly as his hands run up and down your sides. Your hands drop down and begin to work on his jeans button and zipper. Bucky lets out a groan when they brush against his already hard dick.
You stand from his lap and he pulls his jeans off while you move to unbutton your top. As you work on the shirt, Bucky’s hands reach out to undo your own jeans. When you’re standing in nothing but underwear in front of him, Bucky isn’t doing anything but staring. The heat in his eyes makes you feel flush and goes straight to your core. “Fuck. You’re gorgeous.” He says quietly.
You crawl back into his lip and Bucky’s hands find you again immediately. You rub against him and both of you moan at the slight relief it offers. Bucky’s hand drifts down between you two and he begins to rub over your clothed clit.
You grind down on his hand and let out a whine. “More. More. Please.” You whisper. Bucky laughs softly at you before slipping his hand into your underwear and running a finger over your slit. “Oh my god.” Your head falls to rest on his shoulder.
“That’s it. You look so good like this, sweetheart.” He murmurs into your hair. The praise makes you moan as you grind down against him again desperate for more.
You pull back to look at him, one of your hands tangled in the hair at the back of his head. In a breathless tone you say, “Fuck me.”
Bucky groans. “Oh shit.” His hips buck up against you. “Yeah. Okay.” He pushes you off of his lap gently and moves to pull his briefs off. You follow suit and pull your underwear off.
“Come here.” He groans as he pulls you back over his lap. You giggle as he presses a flurry of kisses across your chest. He holds a hand out in front of you, “Spit.” He orders.
You glance at him in shock before following the order. His eyes roll back as he watches you before he moves to use the spit to lube himself up. “Fuck me. Please.” You whisper to him as he teases your entrance.
“Don’t have to ask me twice.” Bucky slips into you and you both let out loud moans. “Fuck. Fuck. You feel so good.” His forehead rests against your chest as both of you relish in the feeling for a moment. After a few seconds of shaky breathing, you yank at his hair gently so he’s forced to look at you again. A smirk spreads across his face at the feeling and you smile down at him, “Gonna fuck me? Or are we just sit here?” You tease.
Bucky’s hands grip your hips tightly and he steadies his feet on the ground. “Yeah, sweets. ‘M gonna fuck you.”
》•
Your eyes focus in on Wanda as she waves a hand in front of your face. You can feel your body grow hot at the memory of Bucky and you. “What’s on your mind? You’ve been zoning out all night.” She laughs softly.
“Bucky and I had sex last night.” You blurt out, unable to keep it to yourself any longer. You swallow tightly when Wanda’s eyes brighten in excitement before confusion takes over.
She watches your face, like she can tell something was wrong, and doesn’t move to do anything for a second. When she does speak, it’s hesitant. “You’ve liked him since we were in school. Is this good or bad?”
You frown. She was right, you had liked Bucky since he had come barreling into your life senior year of college with bright eyes, mischievous smiles and maybe too many issues to ever be in a real relationship. You had sat through his flings and tried to move on with you own, but every guy had ended up being jealous of Bucky or too boring compared to him.
“He doesn’t-” You suck in a deep breath. “He doesn’t want a relationship.” You say quietly. You take another sip of your wine when Wanda reaches over with pity filled eyes and grabs a hold of your hand.
She shakes her head like she doesn’t understand what you’ve just said to her. “What do... What do you mean?”
You run your hands over your face in despair. “I don’t... We had like two bottles of wine and we hooked up.” You look up at her with tearful eyes. “When I woke up this morning, he went on about how he loved me and he didn’t want to hurt me.”
Wanda’s watching you with wide eyes. “Start from the beginning. What did he say? Are you sure he said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship?” She’s shaking her head in disbelief.
You take a deep breath before launching into the story.
His bed is empty when you wake up. Your stomach sinks as you stare at his bedroom door left ajar. You can hear him in the kitchen talking, but you can’t quite make out what he’s saying.
You take a deep breath before getting up. You had hoped he would sleep in with you. That cuddling in the morning would lead to confessions of hidden feelings. Your hopes diminished as you creeped down the hallway towards the kitchen.
“No.” Bucky sounds anxious as he talks into the phone. “I’m telling you. I fucked up.” You step in the kitchen and he glances over his shoulder with wide eyes. “I’ve got to go. Bye.” He hangs up abruptly and turns to you with a tense smile.
You give him a small smile in return. “Morning.” You tug at the hem of his t-shirt nervously as he stares at you. “We should-”
“I wanted to-” The two of you laugh awkwardly as you speak over one another. You hold your hand towards him. “You go first.” You move to sit at one of counter’s barstools.
Bucky’s watching you with wary eyes and if his words to whoever was on that phone weren’t warning enough, this new demeanor around you certainly is. “You’re my best friend.” He comes to stand directly across from you. “And I care about you a lot. You’re one of the most important women in my life. I don’t want to ruin our relationship.”
You nod slowly as he attempts to reject you kindly. If it weren’t so painful, you might laugh at how awkward he looks. “It’s not...” You trail off unsure of what to say. “Bucky, it’s not that serious. We’re fine.” You reach your hand across the counter palm up for him to take.
His brows furrow. “You’re not mad at me?” He asks in confusion. “I thought-”
You shake your fingers and he smiles before holding your hand tightly in his. “It was consensual. With a guy I trust with my life. And it was great sex. I’m not mad at you.” You smile reassuringly.
It’s not a lie. Not at all. Everything you said was true, you had just left out the part where you had been hoping for more. But you could get over this. A one time fling. You could survive it as long as you didn’t lose him.
“You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that.” Bucky’s shoulders relax. The tension on his face transforms into a cocky smirk. “Great sex?”
“That’s...” Wanda trails off as she digests your words. “Why didn’t you tell him how you feel?” She asks.
You look at her with wide eyes. “What do you mean why didn’t I tell him? Should we start with me overhearing him telling someone how much he fucked up or his rejection for dummies speech?” You laugh sarcastically.
Wanda gives you apologetic eyes. “How can you be sure he was talking to the person on the phone about you?” You scrunch your nose up at her and she sighs. “Okay, whatever. At least now you know he doesn’t want a relationship! You can move on and find someone with a bigger dick.”
“Wanda!” You can’t help but laugh. You give her an appreciative smile before letting out a sigh. “I don’t know... I guess I just always thought we’d end up together. It’s stupid.”
You trace your finger around the base of your wine glass. Wanda watches you for a moment before flagging down a waitress. She looks at you with a twinkle in her eye. “Can I get a round of tequila shots, please?” She asks.
The waitress nods before walking away. “We’re going to get you drunk and make you forget all about Bucky Barnes.”
You laugh softly. “Yes please.”
》
Four glasses of wine and two rounds of shots leaves you struggling to get the key into your apartment door’s lock.
“Fuck.” You mutter when you push too hard and the keys clatter against the floor. You sigh deeply before bending down to pick them. You lay one palm flat against your door in an attempt to steady your shaky feet as the other reaches for your keys.
Then you’re falling forward and your shoulder hits the floor harshly. “Jesus, sweetheart. I thought you were some weirdo trying to break in.” You groan as you look up and see Bucky staring down at you with furrowed brows.
He’s wearing nothing but sweatpants, his metal arm and abs on full display for you. You give him a dopey smile. “Hey, handsome.”
He laughs loudly. It’s bright and contagious and makes you giggle as he bends down to lift you to your feet. “Missed you tonight.” He says softly as he wraps his arm around your waist.
You allow yourself to rest your bodyweight on him, knowing he’s strong enough to lead you to your room. His soft words leave you feeling like you’re floating. It’s like the night before had never happened.
“Missed you too.” You whisper. Your words are slurred, not that you can change that, but you know he understands them. He presses a kiss to your head in response as he leads you down the hall and into a room.
The room is spinning around you, but you know it’s Bucky’s from the blank walls and dark furniture. Bucky sits you down on the edge of his bed and your fingers immediately grip his comforter tightly. “Why’d you bring me here?” Your grip is the only thing that keeps you from falling backwards onto his bed.
You try to focus your eyes on him, but he’s moving around the room too fast. From what you think is his dresser then his closet. “I’ve got to make sure you don’t choke on your own vomit tonight.”
“‘M not gonna get sick.” You mumble as he comes to a stop in front of you. He holds out a pile of clothes to you. “I have my own clothes in my own room.” You stare up at him defiantly.
You can see Bucky push his tongue against the inside of his cheek, a tell that he was getting a little annoyed. “C’mon sweets. Just put the clothes on and get in bed.”
He’s still holding the clothes out in front of you. His earlier rejection running through your mind. “I’m not having sex with you tonight.” You blurt out. You would have never said the words sober, but you didn’t want him to think it would become a recurring thing.
Bucky laughs awkwardly and drops the clothes on the bed beside you. “I’m not trying to have sex with you. I’m trying to take care of you and make sure you don’t die in your sleep.”
Your eyes narrow, but you feel far too dizzy to actually get up and move to your room to prove a point. You lift your arms and look up at Bucky, “Help?”
He smiles victoriously and reaches for the hem of your shirt. You can see his eyes trail over your bralette and feel your cheeks warm, but you blame that on the alcohol.
“Do you want to sleep in this?” He whispers as his fingers trail over one of the straps. You shiver as one of his cold fingers presses into your skin and leaves goosebumps in its wake.
You bite down on your lip, but nod your head. “I’ll be fine in it.”
He nods and you raise your arms again as he slips one of his black t-shirts onto you. It’s soft and smells like him leaving you warm all over and suddenly tired. Your head falls so your chin is resting against your chest.
Bucky kneels down in front of you. “Is it okay if I take your jeans off? So I can put sweatpants on you?” He moves his head so you’re forced to make eye contact with him as his hands come to rest on your stomach. He fiddles with your jean’s button, but doesn’t move to actually undo it yet.
You nod softly before falling backwards onto the bed. Bucky’s hands move quickly as he unbuttons and unzips your jeans. There’s a sharp inhale once he gets your jeans off, but you ignore it.
“Sweetheart.” You lift your hips when you feel his sweatpants get stuck underneath you. “Thank you.” He says quietly.
“What did you do tonight?” You mumble as you move around his bed to crawl under the comforter. You wait until he’s situated beside you before pulling the blanket up to cover the bottom half of your face.
He pulls the blanket down and holds out a wipe. “You complain when I let you fall asleep with the makeup.”
Your eyes flicker to his in brief shock, unaware of how much he actually listened to you. “Than...Thank you.” You begin to wipe it across your face. It’s not your normal routine, but it was better than nothing. “Tell me about your night.”
Bucky moves so he’s sitting against his headboard. “I just waited for you all night.” He shrugs.
You drop the wipe onto the side table. “Shut up. What did you really do?” You shove gently at his shoulder. Bucky’s hand wraps around your wrist and he pulls you into him.
He’s stronger when you’re sober, so your drunk body falls into his side easily and you wrap an arm around his waist. “I’m telling you the truth, sweets. I just waited all night for you.” He presses a kiss to your temple.
You look up from his chest to find him looking down at you with soft eyes. He’s being kind and you’re sure all that he can think of is how happy he is that your friendship hasn’t been ruined.
But all you can think about is how no matter how soft he is with you, he still doesn’t want to be with you. No matter how much he says he loves you and misses you, it’s not the sam way you mean it. It leaves a crack in your heart that you’re unsure will ever be healed.
》•
She’s pretty. You think bitterly as you watch from across the room.
Bucky’s firm had a party every few months for donors. Bucky hated them. He always complained that schmoozing wasn’t his specialty, law was, so you were usually dragged along as his plus one to “Keep me from dying of boredom, please.”
You usually didn’t mind. Bucky flirted for money, you got to enjoy to open bar to cope with his non-existent feelings for you. Tonight felt even worse.
You force yourself to look away and look back down at the drink in front of you. You’re glad Wanda isn’t there to look at you with the same pity filled eyes that you had been getting since revealing the details of your hook up, but you wish you had someone to turn to.
“You look great in that dress.” Your head whips up at the familiar voice. Steve is smiling at you sweetly and you can tell he’s keeping his eyes respectfully on yours. “Definitely your color.”
You laugh. You and Steve weren’t particularly close, he was a childhood friend and you were college. The two of you really only spent time together in groups or with Bucky there. “Thank you, Mr. Rogers.” You tease.
“Please.” He throws his head back in an over dramatic groan. “Steve! So many people have called me Mr. Rogers tonight I’m going to fall into an identity crisis.”
You give him an ill-suppressed smile. “Thank you, Steve.” He sits down in the barstool next to you and waves the bartender over.
“Water for me and…” He glances at the empty glass in front of you, “another glass of wine for her?” His voice ends in a question and he smiles brightly when you nod.
“I could be wrong, but aren’t you supposed to be flirting with rich women to fund your pro bono cases?” You run a finger around the base of your glass.
Steve’s eyes trail from your manicured nails up to your teasing smile. He swallows and forces out a soft laugh. “I’m not too good at the flirting that’s uh-.” He looks over his shoulder before looking back at you with kind eyes.
You ignore his insinuation. Ignore the idea of Bucky and Steve feeling pity for you over Bucky. “Everyone deserves a break.”
The man in front of you gives you a relieved smile. “And what better way to take a break than talk to a pretty girl?”
You smile sweetly. “You could get 100k easily with that charm.” Steve throws his head back in a laugh and his arm lands on the back of your seat when he leans back in.
You find yourself leaning in too. He’s got a nice laugh and sweet personality. You can feel the warmth radiating off of him and it’s relaxing.
For a moment, Bucky is forgotten as Steve gives you all his attention, the first person to do so all night.
》•
Bucky stops to stand next to Sam as he takes a sip of his drink. His eyes scan over the party in search of you.
“Good for Steve.” Sam says into his glass before taking a sip of his drink. Bucky’s eyes cut to him in question. Sam nods in front of him and Bucky’s eyes settle on you at the bar. With Steve.
“What do you mean good for Steve?” Bucky asks. He can’t take his eyes off of you as Steve slides a glass of wine towards you.
Sam shrugs nonchalantly. “He’s had a crush on her since that Halloween party last year.”
Bucky’s mind drifts to you in your skin tight superhero costume. He wasn’t blind, he had seen the guys who had come up to you and their eyes that had trailed after you.
“He hasn’t said anything to me.” He feels a surge of pride at the fact that he can’t explain when he thinks of how at the end of the night, you had come home alone with him, content to sit on the couch and watch horror movies. “He’s not her type.” He adds on after a moment of silence.
Bucky isn’t too confident in his words though. Steve seemed to be the perfect kind of guy for you. Kind, funny, made good money, and was always the guy who listened with open ears. Bucky just couldn’t fathom you with anybody that… He doesn’t know, but he knows Steve doesn’t feel right.
Sam snorts. “Yeah. Try telling you about wanting to take her out? He’d rather live.” Bucky watches as Steve leans in closer to whisper something into your ear.
He feels rage surge through him, but forces himself to stay in his spot. “Not like we’re dating. He could have told me if he wanted to. Or made a move.” He wasn’t sure why he felt so angry about you and Steve. It wasn’t like you two were dating, he hadn’t lied to Sam.
Sam looks at Bucky like he’s grown two heads. “Come on, Buck. Not dating? You call her all these nicknames, never let other people flirt with her, always take her home.”
“We live together.” Bucky defends weakly. His mind drifts to kissing you while wine drunk. He shakes his head. “Of course I take her home.”
Sam looks a little bemused as he asks, “Are you two seriously not dating?”
“Of course not! She’s my best friend.” He glances at Sam before looking back over at Steve. You’re leaning in too. It’s not like he was lying, the two of you weren’t dating. But he had brought you as his date tonight and he’ll be damned if Steve weasels his way into your heart.
“I was just cur-“ Bucky shoves his empty glass into Sam’s hand before beginning to make his way through the crowd towards you.
He can vaguely hear Sam shout a goodbye, but all he can focus on is getting your attention onto him and off of Steve.��
》
You feel him before you see him. His hand trailing up your back before landing on the spot where your neck meets your shoulder. His grip isn’t tight, but it makes you shiver.
“What’s going on here?” His voice is a possessive drawl and you look up at him with a confused smile.
You sit up straighter and Steve immediately pulls away. His blue eyes follow Bucky’s arm to his face and they narrow. “Just keeping her company. Noticed you were busy, so…” Steve trails off with a shrug.
Bucky’s grip on you tightens. “Well, I’m here now. You can go back to schmoozing.” He nods his head in the direction of the party, but Steve doesn’t budge.
You’re extremely confused by Bucky’s sudden possessiveness over your attention and turn to him with an annoyed glare. “Actually, Steve was telling me about how that’s your specialty. He’s far too sweet to mindlessly flirt. ”
You feel Steve’s shocked gaze on you, because he had definitely not said that, but you don’t look away from Bucky. His glare melts into a sickly sweet smile as he turns to look at his childhood friend. “That so?”
Part of you feels bad for pushing Steve into the middle of whatever this tension was between you and Bucky. But you can’t ignore the pleasure that rushes through you as Bucky’s grip tightens and his attention focuses solely on you for the first time all night.
Steve looks back and forth between you two before he stands from his seat. “It was nice seeing you.” He leans down and presses a kiss to your cheek before slapping a hand against Bucky’s back. “See you later, punk.”
You swallow as Bucky moves to take Steve’s now unoccupied seat. He orders a drink and you can only watch in shock as moves around so casually. When he finally looks back at you he just looks confused by your silence.
“What’s up?” He asks with a smile.
You roll your eyes at him. “What was that?” You gesture in the direction Steve had gone before looking at him with wide eyes.
Bucky looks down at his drink and shrugs. “Didn’t want anyone bothering you.”
“Anyone bothering me? That was Steve!” You laugh incredulously. “I know Steve. You know Steve. He was keeping me company.” You can’t wrap your head around his random behavior.
Bucky shakes his head like you’re the one who’s being confusing and acting weird. “You just looked a little uncomfortable. I came to your rescue.” He gulps down the rest of his drink.
“My rescue?” You shake your head at him. “Buck, it was Steve. Steve Rogers is one of the most polite men in New York.”
Bucky shakes his head. “He likes you. Sam said he was definitely trying to make a move on you.” He immediately feels bad for blurting out Steve’s secret, but he just can’t let it go.
You scrunch your face up in confusion before letting out a breath. “That’s not your secret to tell.” You grab your clutch and stand up quickly. “Why would that even matter anyways?” You look down at him now, he’s still sitting on the barstool. He won’t look up at you.
“Can we just go home?” He asks quietly as he taps his fingers against the bar counter. You bite down on your lip before finally nodding. “Fine.” He lets out a sigh before standing to follow you.
You’re shocked when you feel his fingers slip in between yours as the two of you walk towards the elevators. Holding hands with Bucky wasn’t new, per say, you’d done it at bars to get out of creepy guys flirting with you, amusement parks so as to not lose one another, but this… This felt different, softer and more insecure.
You swallow before squeezing his hand in return. You hear the relieved breath he lets out as the two of you stop in front of the closed elevator doors.
He whispers your name with a tug of your hand. You turn to look at him as the two of you step into the empty elevator. “I didn’t… I didn’t mean to screw things up with Steve. I just… I don’t know.”
Your heart breaks a little. You weren’t sure what you expected. Maybe an admission of jealousy, that Bucky realized he didn't want you with Steve or any other guy, he wanted you with him. But the words never came and you feel stupid for letting your hopes get the best of you.
You shrug. “It’s fine, Buck.” The elevator is slow in its descent. You almost groan when you see how high you are and the fifteen floors left to go down. “I don’t like Steve… I just… It was nice to have some company. You were busy all night.”
You try to hide the emotion in your voice, but Bucky can hear it. He can see it too, written on your face as you try to keep your eyes on the descending numbers.
Your words cause a wave of relief to crash over him. You didn’t like Steve. You didn’t like Steve. He felt bad for his friend, but not bad enough to stop his next move.
He tugs at your hand again. The elevator is almost all the way down if you could just ignore him for a few more seconds-
His lips are on yours before you even have a chance to think about why he’s pulling you towards him. You’re still with shock, your hands clasped between you two, as Bucky kisses you.
You don’t kiss back, too stunned to. Bucky pulls back when the elevator finally dings and you try to rush out only to be stopped when you realize you’re still attached to Bucky’s hand.
“What the fuck was that?” You hiss. “You can’t just… Just flip out about Steve flirting, tell me you’re not jealous and then kiss me!” You yell.
Bucky swallows thickly and glances around the empty lobby. “I… It…”
You stare at him with lifted brows waiting for an explanation. “You need to figure your shit out, Buck. I said I was fine if you wanted it to be a one time thing but I’m not here for you to yank around.”
“I’m not trying to yank you around!” Bucky defends. “I just… What if it wasn’t just a one time thing?” He asks quietly, his voice almost a whisper.
You want to cry. “Wh...What?” You ask with a shake of your head.
“I feel like such a dick.” He admits taking a hesitant step closer to you. When you don’t move away, he places a hand on your cheek. “Stuff with work has been so stressful lately and… and I never have the time or energy to do anything. The other night, with you, was the most relaxed I’ve been in a while.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’ve been thinking of us helping each other out.”
“Like a friends with benefits thing?” You blurt out when you realize where he was going with this.
He nods. “I just… Got to thinking after you left that morning. It was great sex, best I’ve had in a while.” You swallow and your eyes dart away a little embarrassed. “And I know you and don’t have to worry about you giving me some disease. We live together and we wouldn’t have to go out or wait for some random hook up.”
You can’t really wrap your head around his words. “But you don’t want… You don’t want to have a relationship?”
“You know me.” He laughs tensely. “Not a relationship guy. I love you, you’re my best friend, but-“
“That’s good.” Your blurt, already regretting the words. “I mean, I love you, you’re my best friend too, you know? Neither of us really have time for one anyways and… Life is stressful.”
“You… You want to? Do the benefits thing?” Bucky looks like he can’t believe that you’re agreeing. Quite honestly, you can’t really believe the words coming out of your mouth either.
Because you liked Bucky. You had for so long now it felt like it was a piece of you. You were sure you loved him. You were sure he didn’t feel the same way and this… This was a way to be with him, no matter how fucked up it may be.
And life was stressful. A full time job with New York City rent and bills. You hated going out. You hate hook ups, they always left you disgruntled and disappointed. Bucky had… Bucky had been good. The best, probably. And it would be nice to have someone other than yourself every once in a while.
“Yeah.” You whisper. “I… I want to. I’m kind of sick of my hand.”
Bucky snorts then laughs and it immediately calms you down. He was still your Bucky. Just with the added bonus of sex. “Me too, sweets.”
He presses a kiss to your forehead and pulls you into a hug. You suck in a deep breath. “I think you said something about going home.” You mumble into his suit jacket.
“Yeah.” He whispers back, tilting your chin up to look up. He smirks down at you. “I did.”
》
“Fuck. Fuck.” You moan as Bucky kisses down your chest. “Please, Buck.” You whimper when his right hand comes up and begins to play with your nipple.
He doesn’t respond, his tongue flicking over your other nipple. You’re arching your back into him, it feels good, but you want more. His left hand is settled on your hip and you want it on you in a different way.
You groan when he pulls away to look at you. “What do you want, sweetheart? You gotta tell me or I won’t be able to give it to you.” His tone is sweet, but he’s looking at you with blown pupils and a cocky smile.
“Your fingers, Buck, please.” You try to lift your hips up a little, but his left hand keeps you pressed against his mattress. You look at him pleadingly when he still doesn’t move. “Please, James.” You murmur.
You didn’t call him by his first name often, he had introduced himself as Bucky and you hadn’t even learned it until a few months later. Sometimes you pulled it out to tease him, but tonight… You wanted to see if it would push him.
“Fuck.” He mutters, leaning over you and beginning to press a line of kisses down your stomach all the way to your pelvic bone. “Fuck, that’s hot. Say it again.”
You throw your head back in a moan when his hand begins to rub you through your panties. “James. I need you to-“
“Gonna give you more than my fingers, sweets.” He hooks fingers in the waistband of your panties and yanks them down. “Finally gonna get a taste of you, if that’s okay.” He glances at you and you nod hastily.
“God. Yes, please.” Your eyes flutter shut as his hands force your thighs open. His grip on you is tight and harsh and makes your entire body tingle.
“So pretty.” He murmurs just watching you. If you weren’t so turned on you would be embarrassed by his stare, but his words just make you even more desperate for him. He settles on his stomach, head between your thighs. He begins to bite and kiss his way up your inner thigh. “Been thinking about this since you let me fuck you, sweetheart.” He admits in a murmur before finally putting his mouth on you. “Thinking about how you taste.”
“Oh shit.” You moan, a combination of the pleasure of his tongue and his words giving you butterflies. “Yes. Fuck.”
“Knew you’d taste good.” He moans, the words go straight to your core and he knows it. He knows what he’s doing. His hands gripping at your hips tightly, thumbs rubbing calming circles into your skin. He flicks his tongue over your sensitive spot and your back arches. “So good.” You murmur breathily. Your hands are clutching the bed sheets as you try to grind your hips up.
Bucky pulls one hand away, it gives you a little more freedom to move but not much, and begins to tease you with a finger.
“Yes. Please, your fingers.” You beg him. Bucky chuckles against you, sending hot breath and a small vibration straight to your core. It feels good, he’s good.
He pulls away slightly and you whine. “Come on, sweets.” He urges, pushing his finger into you. You moan at the feeling. “What happened to calling me James? Said I liked it.” He adds another, your slick heat allowing them easily.
“James.” You look down at him with blown pupils. Bucky almost comes right there, his fingers inside of you, your chest heaving and you looking at him like that. “James. Please. Want your mouth on me again.”
Now that you’ve started saying his name, it’s like you can’t stop. The name tumbles out of your mouth like a prayer. He rewards you for it though, his mouth is back on you, licking over you steadily, and you can feel the tension in your stomach the closer and closer you get.
“So good.” Bucky murmurs into your skin. You moan out again. “Gonna come for me, sweetheart?” He pulls away to ask, his breath fanning across your skin. Your hips buck up towards him in desperation and Bucky groans. “Come on, sweets. Can you come for me? Please.”
He curves his fingers and flicks his tongue over your already sensitive bud again and your back arches. “Fuck. Fuck.” You moan as your orgasm washes over you. Bucky works you through it and your legs are shaking by the time he pulls his mouth away to smile cheekily at you.
“I like it when you call me James.” He whispers as he crawls up towards you. You roll you eyes with a tired smile. He fingers trace circles over you stomach. “You tired?”
You nod your head. Your eyes trail over his body, his hard dick making an obvious tent in his briefs. You smirk at him, your hand moving to trail down from his stomach to his dick. Bucky moans as your hand grips him.
“Still want you to fuck me though.”
》•
Bucky thinks maybe the two of you should establish some ground rules. No dates, if you sleep with somebody else let the other know, use protection, don’t fall asleep together.
But he can’t imagine the two of you not having your regular Sunday breakfasts together after his runs or forcing you out of his room when the two of you had shared beds long before this ever happened.
So, he ignores it. He decides to enjoy your warmth in his bed and assumes you’re not seeing anybody else. It’s good. It works, even if his friends think he’s being an idiot.
Steve is on one side while Sam is on his other and they’ve both been standing in silence now that Bucky has finished explaining what happened when the two of you left the party.
He feels bad when he sees Sam’s eyes flicker to Steve in confusion, but Steve’s face holds more pity than annoyance. It makes Bucky feel uncomfortable in his spot as he takes a sip of water.
“I don’t understand why you’re not calling her your girlfriend.” Steve finally says.
Bucky rolls his shoulders with an annoyed sigh. “I just said. We’re both busy with work and friends, there’s no time for relationships. This works for the both of us. We don’t have to rely on shitty hookups and we trust each other.”
Steve gives Bucky a look that screams you’re an idiot while Sam just laughs loudly. “You have to know how ridiculous that sounds, dude.” Sam slaps a hand against Bucky’s back. “You guys live together. You have all the time in the world to actually date each other. I thought you guys were dating each other with how you act. you’re having sex now and you still won’t call her your girlfriend?” He asks incredulously.
“I...I don’t want a relationship. It leads to marriage and kids and fights.” Bucky shudders. “No thanks. This way I get great sex and my best friend.”
Steve sighs heavily. “She deserves better than that, Buck. You know that.” His voice is full of disappointment. The same tone Bucky has been getting for years when it came to his relationships.
“Like you?” His tone is defensive and his words are meaner than they should be. Bucky knows all Steve wants is for his friends to be happy. “She’s a grown woman. She can decide who she wants to have sex with.”
“Come on, Buck. You’re not an idiot. She’s had a crush on you for years.” Steve lets out an exasperated sigh. “This is a great way to drive her away and lose her for good.”
“I’m not-”
“All,” Steve raises his voice to cut Bucky off, “I’m saying is she’ll figure out this isn’t what she wants and find someone who can give it to her. Then you’ll be left in the dust realizing what an idiot you were for letting your irrational fears talk you out of being with her.”
Bucky runs his tongue over his lips. “Who? Are you gonna steal her?”
Steve rolls his eyes. “Will it be stealing when you’re the one who drives her away?”
》
His bed is empty when you wake up, but that’s no surprise, you knew Bucky ran Sunday mornings with the guys. You almost expect to feel more shame or pain over falling into this friends with benefits thing. But, you feel okay. Bucky was still your best friend. Just with mind-blowing sex. He didn’t kick you out at night and didn’t seem put off by you.
Your phone vibrates somewhere in his room from the inside of your clutch. You groan and finally move to sit up. Bucky has picked your things up and folded everything into a neat pile on the top of his dresser. Your clutch is sitting on the top of the pile and you can see the vibrations of your phone shaking it slightly.
You pick his shirt up from the floor and slide it on before reaching for your underwear underneath the clutch.
When you pull your phone out you see a few missed calls from Wanda, one last night the one you’ve just missed. You crawl into Bucky’s bed again and call her back.
“Hey!” You smile at Wanda’s voice. “I called you last night, but I forgot you had that lawyer thing.” You can imagine her nose scrunching up in disgust at the idea.
You mess with a loose thread on the comforter. “Yeah. Buck dragged me along.” There’s silence on the other end. You sigh heavily. “Shit. Wanda. You’ll never guess what I did last night.”
Your eyes take in the room. Bucky doesn’t have many decorations or knick knacks, but he has a couple pictures sitting on his nightstand. You move to his side of the bed and pick one of them up.
“You go home together?” Wanda doesn’t need to guess, there’s a twinge of disappointment in her voice but all you can focus on is the sadness you hear. Like she’s just hurting for you at this point.
You stare down at the photo in your hand. It’s from Bucky’s last birthday. “We live together.” You defect. The photo is the two of you sitting at your kitchen counter with two glasses of wine in front of you. The wine is red and you can faintly see it staining both of your lips. His arm is wrapped loosely around your waist and you’re pressing a kiss his cheek. The photo makes your heart ache. “You sleep in your room?” Wanda laughs. You drop the photo on the bed in front of you. “You’ve gotta tell him. Tell him how you feel, really.” She urges you.
You’re shaking your head even though she can’t see you. “It’ll ruin everything.” You say quietly. Losing him would be worse than loving him like this. “We... We agreed on a benefits thing last night. I think it can work.”
“That’s a great way to get hurt.” Wanda says. You glance at the other picture he has sitting on his nightstand.
It’s a photo of him and Steve. The two of them are children standing with hands wrapped tightly around the straps of their backpacks and they’ve got bright smiles on their faces. You smile at the sight, both boys happy, carefree and full of life.
Bucky’s left arm is still flesh in the photograph. He doesn’t talk about the accident much, he had come out with one arm and a completely changed person. Sometimes you wonder if things would be different if it had never happened.
You hear the front door slam shut. “I’ve gotta go! I’ll talk to you later.” You hang up before Wanda can say anything else. You leave the picture frame sitting in the bed, moving quickly from Bucky’s room to your own.
》•
Bucky’s bedroom door is open when he gets home, but you’re nowhere to be found. Your clothes still sit on his dresser and there’s a picture frame partially covered by his comforter that makes Bucky pause.
It’s his favorite picture of you two, wine stained lips and happiness radiating off of you. He wonders what had made you grab it and what had made you drop it. Steve’s words come to mind she’s had a crush on you for years.
Bucky wasn’t an idiot. He had seen the nervous smiles and bright eyes in college, he had done everything he could to stay just friends with you and it had seemed to work. You had moved on. Boyfriends and flings had come and gone, your eyes had shifted into a caring stare and you stopped nervously fidgeting with your hands around him, so Bucky had assumed your crush went away. Even now there was nothing that really stood out as you liking him. It sounded like Steve was making assumptions to mess with Bucky’s head. And it was working.
He stares at the picture for another moment before placing it back on his nightstand. Bucky wasn’t afraid of relationships, Steve was wrong, he just hated how they ended. He wasn’t afraid of holding hands or expensive dates, he was afraid of the unavoidable hurt and falling out of love that would cause him to lose you.
He couldn’t lose you.
“Bucky?” Your voice jolts him from his thoughts and his head turns from the photo to you, standing in his doorway in nothing but his t-shirt and a pair shorts. “What should we order for lunch?”
Bucky lets out a deep breath before smiling up at you. “We should get some wraps from that cafe down the block.”
“That sounds good.” You smile. Your eyes move over him and Bucky has to look away. You’ve always been good at studying him and knowing if something was up. “Everything okay?”
Bucky shakes his head. “I’m just thinking.” He offers a tense smile that makes you step further into his room. Bucky’s eyes move from your bare feet up your legs to your face that’s watching him with concerned eyes.
“That can’t be good.” You tease as you take a seat next to him. You rest your head against his shoulder and Bucky feels a little calmer with you next to him. “What’s got you spacing out like that, Buck?” You ask gently.
“You’re not…” Bucky swallows thickly and looks down at his lap. “You’re not gonna leave me, right? This isn’t gonna fuck us up?”
He feels you tense against his side and begins to panic until your hand intwines with his. “Not if we promise not to let it fuck us up. You’re my best friend, Buck. I don’t wanna lose you either.”
“I promise.” Bucky squeezes your hand. “Do you?”
You squeeze his hand in return, but don’t say anything. Bucky takes the action as promise enough.
》•
Days turn into weeks which turn into months and suddenly it’s November, fall in New York becoming winter much sooner than expected. The cold bites at your cheeks and seeps into your bones. Bucky becomes your warmth despite the constant ache in your heart at what you really are to him.
Bucky comes into your room or you sneak into his. You ignore the looks from your friends when you all go out and don’t heed to any of Wanda’s advice.
The lines are blurred to you, because it feels like you’re in a relationship. It’s almost like you’ve fallen into one naturally. It’s not just secret sex in the middle of the night. It’s all your normal things, reading together on Sundays and watching your favorite show together Saturday nights. Only now it’s started to include footsie and make-out sessions.
There are some nights the two of you go out, whether it to be to dinner or to see a new movie, and they feel like dates. Bucky never lets you pay and holds your hand in the theater.
You almost want to ask him Why. Why aren’t we official? Why can’t you call me your girlfriend? But you’re far too afraid. For every small gesture that feels like love, there are nights out with your friends where Bucky ignores your existence or awkward introductions to coworkers you run into at the movie theater.
Life moves on though. Day by day. Even if feels like you’re on a train moving full steam ahead towards a wall and impact is inevitable.
It’s nice to have a taste of what it could be like to have him.
》•
It blows up on a Thursday night, at eight thirty-two pm, to be exact.
Bucky didn’t feel like cooking, he was relieved when you had suggested going out to grab dinner, but now he just wishes the two of you had stayed home.
There’s a tense and awkward silence as the two of you walk home. You’re about ten feet in front of him and not talking at all, it honestly looks more like he’s some creep following you home at this point. If he weren’t so upset he would probably laugh at the scene.
If Bucky had just kept his mouth shut.
“Oh my god.” You groan, slouching down in your seat and covering your face with your hands. “Fuck.”
Bucky looks between you and the entrance of the restaurant confused by your sudden annoyance. “What’s wrong?” He asks leaning towards you.
“I went to high school with that girl.” You whisper. “We were friends until I stole her boyfriend.” You roll your eyes.
Bucky chokes on his drink mid-sip. “You stole her boyfriend? Right on! I didn’t know you had that in you.” He laughs, completely shocked by the idea of a you in high school who steals guys when all he’s ever known is the sweet, loyal girl.
“I didn’t actually steal her boyfriend!” You hiss. Bucky notices the girl do a double take when her eyes catch on you. “He broke up with her and asked me to prom two weeks later so she assumed I stole him. She hated me and made the last few months of senior year absolute shit for me.” You explain slipping further into your seat before taking a heavy sip of wine.
“Incoming.” He chuckles as she makes a beeline for your table. You sit up ramrod straight when her hand lands on your shoulder and your name comes out in a fake giggle.
“Eliza.” Your smile is equally as fake as you stand up to offer her a quick hug. “How are you?” Bucky watches with amused eyes as Eliza launches into a story about her boyfriend, who’s watching the scene with bored eyes from across the restaurant.
He smiles awkwardly when the two of you turn to face him. “This is my boyfriend, Bucky.” You smile tightly at the woman and Bucky watches uncomfortably as she trails her eyes over him. “Really?” Eliza asks.
“Just friends, actually.” Bucky can’t stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth with an awkward laugh.
Your eyes narrow at him before they flicker away. Bucky watches in what feels like slow motion as your shoulders hunch in and you close yourself off, absolutely embarrassed as Eliza turns to you with a proud smirk. “Is that right?” Her tone is nasty and Bucky is filled with regret immediately, but there’s nothing he can do because you’re grabbing your purse and jacket and storming away.
Eliza smiles at him. “She’s always been one for the dramatics.” Bucky shakes his head as he pulls out some bills and leaves them on the table, moving the chase after you. “Thanks.” He says to the woman sarcastically as he pushes past her.
That had lead him here, trailing after you silently, as you fume from a distance. “Sweetheart, come on.” Bucky pleads. The words make you freeze and spin around to face him.
Bucky stumbles backwards as you walk towards him with fury in your eyes and your finger pointed at him accusingly. “Don’t call me that.”
“I’ve always called you sweetheart,” Bucky frowns. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I just-”
“You didn’t embarrass me, James.” Bucky flinches as you spit out his first name like it’s poison. “You humiliated me. Was it really that big a deal? That I introduced you as my boyfriend? Does the idea of dating me disgust you that much?”
Bucky throws his hands out in front of him in a defensive gesture. “No! I just... We’re not dating. You know that!” He shakes his head. “I mean, dating you doesn’t disgust me... I just... You know?”
You raise your eyebrows at him. “No. I don’t know.” You say coldly. “It’s not like we’re not dating. You have to see that.”
“See what?” Bucky asks, completely exasperated. “We do everything we used to do and sometimes have sex.”
“Oh my god!” Your laugh sounds manic as you pause and look up at the sky like you’re searching for an answer. “Have you ever thought that maybe we weren’t ever just friends, Bucky? That we didn’t act like normal best friends do?” You cross your arms and look back at him.
Yes. Bucky thinks immediately. “No!” He swallows. “I’ve always seen you as my best friend! Never... Never...” He’s dug himself a deeper and deeper hole every time he’s opened his mouth, but this is the nail in his coffin. He says your name gently, but you’re already backing away, hurt all over your face.
“I guess I read everything wrong then.” You say quietly. “These stupid dates and us falling asleep together at night. All the holding hands and cuddling, right?” Your voice is filled with wet emotion and Bucky is sure if it wasn’t so dark outside he would see tears brimming your eyes. “You do that with all your friends. I mean nothing.”
“That’s not what I said!” Bucky exclaims. “You know you’re one of the most important women in my life. Please. Don’t do this.” He pleads.
“I’m done. Okay? This stupid benefits thing? These friend dates, Sunday mornings together, movies? Done with all of it.” You hiss. You suck in a deep breath, like you’re preparing to deliver the final blow. Bucky braces himself. “You wanna be just friends? I’ll do you one better, we can be just roommates. That way there’s no confusion.”
Bucky can only stand still, watching as you walk away.
》
Wanda has a kind enough heart to not say I told you so, when you show on her doorstep with mascara running down your cheeks. She just pulls you inside by your arm and wraps her softest blanket around your shoulders.
“What happened?” She places a cup of tea on her coffee table in front of you. You can vaguely hear Vision trying to move around in the kitchen as quietly as possible. There’s an unspoken question that lingers in the air. What did Bucky do?
You sniffle. “We ran into Eliza tonight.” Wanda’s eyes widen and you nod. “I… I introduced Bucky as my boyfriend. It just slipped out, but he totally panicked and corrected me right to her face. I was so humiliated, I bolted.”
Wanda takes the seat beside you on the couch. “That’s awful. I can’t believe that idiot,” she hisses the word, “couldn’t put aside his dumb fears for five seconds and just have your back.”
You rub your eyes harshly. “That’s not the worst part of the night. I think the worst part was when he reiterated we were just friends and that he’s never seen me as anything more than that.”
Wanda’s mouth drops open in shock and you can even hear Vision murmur something along the lines of oh shit in the kitchen.
“Good way to get hurt, huh?” You reiterate Wanda’s words from weeks ago and her face falls into a look a pity. “I’m so stupid. Why did I even agree to doing benefits with him?”
“We all do dumb things when we love someone.” She says soothingly as she rubs her hand across your back. “I know this hurts, but look at the silver lining. Now you can move on, for real. Bucky’s made his intentions clear and you can find someone better.”
You look at her sadly. “What if there isn’t someone better?” You almost choke on your own breath as you talk through your tears. “What if no one makes me feel that way?”
Wanda shakes her head and reaches up to grip your chin between her fingertips. It forces you to look into her blazing eyes. “Bucky’s nothing more than a man with commitment issues. We’re in New York City, there are millions of them. And for every Bucky, there’s a…a…”
“Vision.” You offer up with a teasing smile. Wanda blushes, but nods. “There’s a Vision. And yours is out there, he was just waiting for Bucky to fuck up.”
You let out a choke laugh. “Yeah…” You trail off. “Can I crash here? I don’t think I can-“
“-Of course.” Wanda cuts you off. “For as long as you need.”
》
Bucky doesn’t even want to go inside. He just stands outside his apartment door staring blankly at the lock. It doesn’t feel like home without you there.
You haven’t been home in three days and if it weren’t for your instagram stories with Wanda and Vision, Bucky would think you were dead.
You haven’t reached out at all, he isn’t sure if you had come by the apartment to grab personal things and when he had asked the guys if they had heard from you, Steve had just given him an I told you this would happen lecture.
Bucky feels like a fucking idiot. Bucky is a fucking idiot. He shoves his key into the lock with a sigh.
“Bucky?” A voice calls out. It makes him freeze in the doorway. It’s your voice. He’s sure it is. Nobody else had a key to the apartment. You pop out of the kitchen with a smile. “It is you!”
Your demeanor has done a complete flip. There’s no harsh stare or fiery eyes, just smiles. It leaves his head spinning. For the past three days he’s been trying to figure out how to make things better and you’re…fine?
“He…hey.” He pushes the word out. “Um. What are you doing here?”
Your brows furrow. “I live here?” You laugh softly before turning back into the kitchen. Bucky follows you dumbly, completely awestruck by your sudden reappearance.
“I thought… I thought you were mad at me?” He asks hesitantly.
“I was. Now I’m not.” You shrug. You move around the kitchen easily, putting groceries away that Bucky hadn’t even noticed with his entire focus on you.
He moves towards you. “Sweetheart-“
You interrupt him with your name and suddenly the fire is back in your eyes. Oh. This isn’t Bucky’s best friend coming back into his life.
It’s his roommate coming back home.
Just like you had promised.
》•
Bucky tries to catch you some days. He’ll tilt his head in an attempt to force your eyes to meet his while you talk about nothing after he gets home from work.
You always avoid them, terrified one look into the blue you’ve loved for so long and you’ll crumble at his feet. You chatter about nothing important, the weather outside and your neighbor upstairs who always stomps around at four in the morning.
Bucky always listens intently and you begin to feel a little guilty for cutting him out completely. You just needed some time to get over him, then one day you could come home and watch Law and Order with him again and cook dinner together.
But for now, you pretend he’s nothing more than a roommate and like you’re not desperately in love with him.
It’ll work. It has to work.
》
Your name is like honey coming from Steve’s lips. He’s got a kind smile on his face as he hands over your coffee. He had slipped behind you in line at the coffee shop with a sheepish hello.
“You didn’t have to do that.” You say softly as you take it from him. “I can pay for my own coffee.” You can see the ingredients scribbled onto the side of his paper cup and it makes you smile into your sip.
Steve Rogers had a sweet tooth.
“Day off? Or just a break?” You hold the coffee shop door open for him to follow you out onto the street. Steve gives you a thankful smile.
“Break. I’m heading back to the office now.” He takes a sip of his drink. There were two weeks left of November and the streets of New York were doing their annual flip. Christmas lights going up too early and gloomy skies overhead.
You walk beside him, one hand shoved into your pocket. “Mind if I walk with you? I’m off today and I am so bored just sitting around the apartment.”
“Not at all!” Steve answers quickly. There’s a slight flush on his cheeks that you attribute to the wind nipping at both your cheeks. “I could use the company of someone other than corporate lawyers.”
You laugh at his dramatic eye roll. “You know most of your friends work at that firm.” Steve gives you an unapologetic smile. “Two friends and I can admit they can both be dicks sometimes.”
He looks at you like he knows something and you swallow, turning to look straight ahead of you. “I disagree.” You finally say after a moment. He looks down at you with furrowed eyebrows. “Sam is always a sweetheart.”
That startles a laugh out of Steve, who looks at you with a shine in his eyes. He shakes his head and looks down at the sidewalk in front of him. “You okay? I know that-“
“-I’m fine.” You cut him off. You look up at him with a half smile. “And we don’t have to talk about it. In fact, let’s not.” You force out a laugh and Steve nods slowly.
You end up walking the rest of the way in a comfortable silence. Steve has a reassuring presence, something you don’t think you’ve ever even realized until now. Warmth radiates off of his body and his eyes give everything he feels away. Steve is a good apple. At least that’s what your grandmother would say if she had met him.
“This is me.” Steve says softly as he slows to a stop outside the corporate building. If you look around you’ll notice every building near by looks almost exactly the same. “Thanks for walking with me.” He says softly with a nervous smile.
You smile back. “Thanks for buying me coffee.” You hold it up towards him as if to show him. “And for letting me tag along.”
Steve shakes his head. You’re sure he has to get back to work soon, you know their days are usually full and small breaks like this were just that - small. “You don’t have to thank me. I… I like hanging out with you. You’re cool.” He scrunches his nose up when he realizes what he’s just said but you giggle.
“Cool?” You ask with a teasing smile. Steve looks down at his feet with red dusting his cheeks. “I think you’re cool too.” The words are soft as you nudge his boot clad foot with yours.
Steve looks up with bright eyes. “Yeah?” You nod and he smiles to himself. “We should… We should hang out more.” He suggests hesitantly.
Your eyes widen as you look at him. Steve looks about two seconds away from being sick with nerves and it’s sweet. Completely and utterly tooth rottingly sweet that someone is this nervous around you. Your heart picks up at him wanting to hang out more.
“Like dates?” You question quietly. Steve turns a bright shade of right and you’re reminded of Bucky blurting his secret out weeks ago. “I would like that.” You don’t give him a chance to respond to your first question.
He smiles so bright that you’re blinded by it. “Yeah?” You nod with a small smile. “Yeah. Now go back to work!” You shove his shoulder lightly which makes him laugh. “You have my number.”
He’s nodding happily as he backs away. “I do! I’ll text you?”
“Please!” You laugh as he pushes through the glass doors backwards, almost running over a women. He smiles awkwardly at her before facing you once again. You wave as he disappears into the crowd of people.
When he’s out of sight you let out a sigh. He was kind and incredibly endearing. Steve was a man every woman would be lucky to date. Why did you feel so guilty for flirting then?
You know why.
You ignore it.
》
Bucky watches with pursed lips from his spot by the front desk as you and Steve chat outside. He tries his best to read lips, but your both standing at an angle that makes it near impossible.
“You’re not creepy at all.” The voice makes him jump and he turns to look at Sam, leaning against the opposite side of the reception desk. Martha, the woman who runs the desk, looks between them in amusement. “Steve is some kind of psychic, huh?” He snorts.
Bucky turns his glare onto Sam. “It’s not my fault they’re out there for everyone to see.” He snaps before turning his eyes back on the scene in front of him.
Sam laughs loudly and Bucky watches his Steve embarrasses himself by running into a girl leaving the building. He would feel better about it, if he couldn’t see you smiling brightly at the man.
Bucky loves Steve, but he wants nothing more than to punch him in the face for not staying away from you. Even though Bucky is fully aware you’re both adults with minds of you own, he had never imagined Steve would actually sweep you off your feet.
When Steve makes his way towards Sam and Bucky, Sam has got a cheesy smile on his face and Bucky can do nothing but glare. “Got myself a date, boys.” He smacks a hand against Bucky’s back.
“It’s like… She was run right into my arms.” He smirks before making his way towards the elevator. Sam follows behind Steve with another loud laugh.
Bucky is left standing in the lobby alone. He watches your form retreat across the street and sighs. He had made a mess of things, huh?
》
You can’t get the dress to zip up all the way. You’ve tried a multitude of angles, from pulling the dress up and trying to reach it over your shoulder to almost breaking your arm at an awkward angle.
You sigh in defeat as you stand in front of your mirror. You can hear Bucky in his room across the hall, music playing a little too loud and his footsteps around the room. He’s got his cleaning playlist on, it forces a small smile to appear on your face.
You suck in a deep breath. Roommates helped each other with zippers. It was normal, Bucky could help you with a zipper.
“Bucky.” You knock softly on his door. There’s no answer, he probably can’t hear anything over the music. You knock harder. “Bucky?” The music stops and you suck in a nervous breath.
His door flies open and his eyes widen when he sees you standing in the half zipped dress. His eyes narrow. “What’s up?”
Your fingers fidget in front of your stomach as you look at him nervously. “Can you… Can you help me zip the rest of the way? I just can’t get it.” You admit sheepishly.
Bucky nods. “Turn around.” He orders softly and you do as he says. His fingers find the zipper stuck halfway up your back and your breath hitches. You think you hear his do the same as he begins to pull it up slowly.
It’s a tense silence as his hands rest on your back for a second too long. When he drops them back to his side, you turn to look at him. He shuts his eyes tightly and sighs. “Listen. About what happened-“
There’s a knock at your door that makes you step away. You look at Bucky apologetically. “I’m sorry. I’ve got to go.” You take a few stumbling steps away.
You feel his eyes on you as you move through the apartment and collect your purse and jacket. When you open the door, Steve is standing there with flowers and it makes you pause.
Bucky’s bedroom door slams shut when you pull the flowers into your own hand. His music starts playing again as you get them into water. You and Steve smile awkwardly at each other.
When Steve’s hand lands on your lower back to guide you out of the building, all you can think is Bucky’s hands there earlier, warmer and somehow softer, you try to ignore how wrong it feels.
You were moving on. It would get better.
》•
Bucky’s pathetic. That much he knows. Four drinks in and he’s missing you desperately. All he can think about is Steve’s hand on your back and how you look in that red dress.
Did you know it was Steve’s favorite color? Is that why you had worn it? He had seen the black lace of your bra underneath when zipping the dress for you, had you worn that on purpose too?
He feels like he’s hit rock bottom. Like it can’t get worse than this. His best friend on a date with his other best friend who he wasn’t talking to anymore because he wanted a friends with benefits thing.
I had other friends, he thinks. Friends who I could stand to lose. Why did I want her? Why did I do that?
Annoyingly enough, Steve’s voice is what answers him. You’re in love with her. The words make Bucky jolt up in his seat because, well, he’s never thought that before. He’s always known he loved you in a platonic sense and that he cared for you deeply, but being in love with you?
That can’t be it. Bucky didn’t really do being in love. He’s seen what that does to people. He saw what it did to his mother, heartbroken and left with two kids to raise on her own. He’s seen what heartbreak has done to Becca, who used to lock herself away in her room and spend hours crying over boys who weren’t worth it.
He snorts to himself, taking another sip of his drink. They say you can only go up from from rock bottom. Bucky thinks he’s got some kind of special ability to go lower though as he stares at his phone.
He wants to text you and beg you to come home. He calls his mom instead. “Ma?” He asks quietly when she picks the phone up. “It’s Bucky.”
“I have caller ID. I know.” She lets out a laugh. “What’s up? You sound upset, my love.” She asks gently.
“I fucked up, Ma.” Bucky admits after a moment of silence. “I…”
“What’s wrong? What happened?” She sounds panicked and Bucky immediately feels bad for worrying her.
“No I mean, like, with Y/N. I fucked up with her.” He explains. His mother inhales sharply at the sound of his best friends name.
“What happened?” She asks softly, almost knowingly.
“We… I… I’m not meant for relationships? You know? Love? It always ends bad so I told her we could just be friends with some benefits.” He feels a little embarrassed sharing this with his mother, but he doesn’t have anybody else to turn to. “And I fucked it up. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.” Bucky can admit that he blurred the lines. That he didn’t treat you like just a friend, but when had he ever? You’d always been a little closer than normal friends.
“Oh Bucky.” His mother murmurs, her tone isn’t disappointed, just sad. “I’m so sorry your father did this to you.” Bucky rubs a hand over his face. “Ma-“
“-No, Bucky. I’m sorry you didn’t get to see the value of romantic love. Of love that keeps you warm and love that makes your heart race.” She says quietly.
“It always ends in heartbreak. I don’t need it.” He says defensively. It’s silent, Bucky listens to his mom breathe before finally whispering, “What if I’m like him? What if I ruin her life?”
“Oh sweetheart, you’re nothing like him.” Her voice cracks. “You’re good. You’re a good man. You’re empathetic. You care deeply. You don’t have to be afraid of ending up like him, you’ve already proven you won’t.”
“Doesn’t feel like that.” Bucky lets out a short laugh. “Feels like I already am.”
“James Buchanan Barnes. I am not going to sit here and listen to you talk about yourself like this. You’re not like him because you see what you’ve done wrong. Because you feel remorse.” She says heatedly. “Your father never felt bad for what he did or who he hurt, that’s what makes you different. That’s what makes you better.”
Bucky wipes hastily at the tears that he hadn’t realized were falling down his cheeks until now. Has he always been this much of a light weight? Full of emotion and regrets that are only amplified by his drunkenness.
“I love that girl like she’s my own.” His mother’s voice brings him back. “So, what are you gonna do to fix this? I already bought her Christmas present.”
Bucky laughs. His chest feels a little lighter. “Leave her alone.” He answers genuinely. He can almost see his mother’s mouth open in protest. “She’s on a date with Steve. I can’t ruin that for either of them.”
There’s a sigh on the other end of the line. “You’re a good man, Bucky. Every good man makes mistakes. It’ll all work out.” She says vehemently.
“I love you, ma. Thank you.” Bucky looks at the bottle in front of him. “I love you too. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” She asks gently. “Okay.” He nods as she hangs up.
Her words help, but he’s still filled with guilt as he thinks of you. He had never wanted things to become this messed up with you. The last thing he wanted was for you to hate him.
Then why’d you do it? Bucky pulls at his hair. Since when was his subconscious so annoying? Was it the drinks? It’s your voice next. I mean nothing to you?
“No. Shut up.” Bucky says to himself before standing up, his knee knocking against the coffee table painfully. He groans, but doesn’t stop moving. He feels like he’s going to be sick. He is going to be sick, he realizes as he forces the bathroom door open.
He throws up. He’s not sure if it’s from the drinks or this overwhelming feeling of pure angst in his chest. A feeling that makes his lungs constrict and his heart ache.
He briefly wonders if this is heartbreak. And if it was, did that mean Steve was right? Bucky loved you?
He makes it back to the couch and starts a random movie in an attempt to stay up and wait for you. To talk or something. He was so, so sick of not talking to you.
But he falls asleep less than fifteen minutes later and he doesn’t hear you step into the apartment.
》•
“I had a really nice time tonight.” You say quietly. It’s almost midnight and you’re sure your neighbors wouldn’t appreciate you waking them up. “Thank you for taking me out.”
Steve stuffs his hands into his jacket pocket and gives you a grin. “Thanks for letting me take you out.”The two of you look at each other before breaking eye contact with awkward laughs. “We should do this again.”
You nod. “We should!” You lean up and press a kiss to his cheek before turning towards your door. “I’ll see you later, Steve.” You say softly before pushing the door open.
Steve gives you a short wave with a happy smile. “See you.” He begins to back away, down the hallway. “I’ll just.” He jabs a thumb over his shoulder before spinning around to walk straight.
You laugh silently to yourself as you finally step into your apartment and shut the door behind you. With your eyes shut tightly, you lean your back against the door and let out a sigh.
Your silence is disturbed by a groan and your eyes shoot open. Bucky’s laying on the couch, one arm hanging off and a bottle of whiskey sitting almost completely empty in front of him.
“Oh, Bucky.” You let out a sad sigh as you drop your purse and keys on the entryway table. His eyes are squeezed shut, you can tell he’s in a deep sleep.
When you stand in front of him, you push the stray hairs that are stuck to his sweaty forehead back. He’s flushed and you don’t know exactly how much he’s had to drink, but he was definitely drunk. You allow your nails to trace over his cheekbones and jawline in admiration.
You move away, suddenly aware of what you’re actually doing. You move quickly, picking up the empty glass and whiskey bottle and moving towards the kitchen. You leave the glass in the sink and stuff the bottle back into your drinks cabinet.
You think of just going back to your room, but you know you can’t leave Bucky shivering on the couch. You grab a clean glass and fill it with water before placing it on the coffee table in front of you. You pull out your travel Advil from your purse and sit it next to glass. His favorite blanket is draped over the back your lounge chair. You pull it off and drape it over him gently. Bucky snuffles then turns so his face is pressed into the couch.
You look down at Bucky again before leaving him in the room.
》
It’s like there’s a shift between you and Bucky after your date with Steve. You’re kinder and you seem to be more open with him again, while all Bucky wants to do is hide away in his room.
Every time you sit across from him in the living room or join him for dinner, he feels panic rise in him like vile and he ends up sitting tensely beside you.
Because you’re figuring your shit out. You want to be friends with Bucky again while Steve takes you out every weekend. It’s perfect. Going swimmingly, really.
Except, Bucky is falling apart. Every time you go out with Steve he makes himself sick thinking about what you’re doing. He’s stuck in this constant cycle of why does it hurt so much and you love her you love her you love her.
He just wants to scream so what? Even if he did love you, what did it matter? It’s not like it would change anything. You had never told him you loved him, you had only been angry because he had given you mixed signals. Now, you had moved on to someone easy, someone without commitment fears and who didn’t give you mixed signals.
So, even if he did love you, why would he say anything. Why would he ruin something good for you? He wanted to prove his mother right. He was better than his father, and he wouldn’t ruin something good for you. Not when he was the one who had driven you away. Sick sense of irony, the way this worked out.
》
You’re trying. You can tell Bucky is too. As you come further out of your shell again, he sticks to staunch boundaries and has ceased all of his old affectionate gestures. You know it makes sense and it’s for the best. Even if it does nothing but remind you of what you had grown used to with him before all this.
Besides, you couldn’t blame Bucky for not feeling the same way you did. Not when you had agreed to just benefits and not when you had never told him the truth.
And Steve was sweet. Steve was gentle and kind and kissed you like you mattered. He held your hand in public and introduced you as his date when you ran into people he knew.
He was good. You cared for him, a lot, and you were desperate for it to work out. For it to work out with Steve and for it to work out with Bucky.
That’s how this night started. These thoughts and a plan. A stupid fucking plan for moving on. Drinks with everyone. Wanda, Vision, Sam, Steve… Bucky.
Bucky who was talking to a redhead at the bar. Bucky who you couldn’t stop staring at as he smiled and charmed her. Your fist tightened around your glass as you watch her nails inch towards his hand.
“Another round of drinks?” Sam’s voice pulls you from your stare. You shake your head to yourself and glance around table. Everybody’s glasses are empty except yours. “I’ll go!” You offer as you drain the last of your drink quickly.
You stand up before anybody at the table can question it. “I can help you.” Steve goes to stand, but you place a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“Bucky’s up there. I’m sure he’ll help!” You give him a big smile, one that he answers with furrowed eyebrows. You don’t think much of it as you spin on your heel and make a beeline for the bar.
You don’t see the look Wanda shoots you or the glance Sam and Steve share. You stop right behind Bucky and lean on the counter as you order then you tap him on his shoulder.
He spins quickly. “What’s up? Everyone okay?” He asks, his eyes shifting between you and the table of your friends.
“Yeah!” You give him a small smile. “I was sent for drinks and I didn’t realize how many there were. Think you could help?”
He glances between you and the redhead, who’s giving you a kind smile as she waits. You smile in return before looking up at Bucky again. “Please?” You tack on with a pout.
Bucky laughs. “Yeah. Whatever.” He looks down at the woman again. “You wanna join us? Promise everyone is super cool.”
Your eyes widen as the drinks are placed in front of you. She wasn’t supposed to come. This was supposed to… You pause.
This was supposed to get him away from her. Back to your side.
“Yeah!” You give her a fake smile. “You should join us, we could always use more girls.” You chuckle as you lift three glasses.
Bucky grabs the other three before looking at the woman in question. She shrugs before grabbing her own glass to follow after you two.
You hand out the glasses before taking your seat beside Steve again. He arm comes up to rest behind your chair and you can’t shake the urge to push it off.
“Guys, this is Natasha.” Bucky gestures to the woman besides him before pulling a chair out for her. “Natasha. Wanda, Vision, Steve, Sam.” He points everyone out before finishing off with you. She smiles politely at all of you. You grind your teeth as he sits beside her.
The group seems to take a liking to her right away. She laughs at Sam’s jokes and compliments Wanda’s engagement ring. You’re burning with jealously as Bucky flirts in front of all of you.
It’s wholly irrational, a sober you would know that this jealously doesn’t really make sense. Three mixed drinks in though and it feels like Bucky is doing this to hurt you.
It feels like he’s showing you what he could never do with you. He never flirted with you in front of your friends or allowed his hand to inch towards yours on the table in front of them.
Bucky was secretly affectionate with you. It was tangled feet on Sunday mornings and cuddling Saturday nights. Sex in the middle of night and… heartbreak the next morning.
So his drifting hand and charming smile directed towards Natasha is suffocating you with insecurity. What did she have?
“I’m going home.” You stand abruptly when Bucky leans towards her with a laugh. Your shaky on your feet and Steve reaches a hand out to stabilize you. Everyone looks at you with confusion. “I… I don’t feel good.”
“I’ll walk you home.” Steve stands immediately.
You shake your head. “No!” When he freezes and looks at you with hurt eyes you smile tightly. “I mean, I’m going to take a Lyft. You stay here, have fun.”
“At least let me wait with you. So you’re not in the cold alone.” He insists and you nod slowly.
You really want to be alone, to wallow in this feeling, but Steve was nice and of course he wouldn’t let you go alone.
You watch Bucky for a moment, like you expect him to say something, to offer to come with you. Like he always did, but his attention shifts back to Natasha as Steve’s arm wraps around your waist.
It’s silent as he guides you out of the bar and tense as you order the Lyft. “Fifteen minutes.” You say softly.
Steve nods and looks around the almost empty street. You open your mouth to break the awkward silence, but he beats you to it.
“What happened between you and Bucky?” He asks quietly, his hands stuffed into his jacket pocket, and his teeth gnawing on his bottom lip.
You swallow thickly. “He didn’t tell you?” You ask instead of answering the question.
“He told me you guys had a friends with benefits thing going on. Then he told me you didn’t.” He doesn’t look angry, just sad as he stares down at you. “You know Bucky, he doesn’t share a lot.”
You look down at the sidewalk, your heel scuffing against it nervously. “I don’t know. I read things wrong, I guess. I… I thought we had a chance?” Your tone is questioning and you let out a laugh in a self-deprecating manner.
“You still love him?” You eyes shoot up to meet Steve’s. You open your mouth to say something, anything, to turn this conversation around but the door opening takes your attention off of the conversation.
It’s Bucky and Natasha, laughing softly with one another. You turn away quickly and feel the vomit rise in your throat. “I’m gonna be sick.” You murmur before throwing up all over Steve’s shoes. He grimaces and takes a step back as the couple turns around at the sound of you.
Bucky calls out your name. You can’t look up, instead you drop to the ground and sit on the sidewalk ledge.“Are you okay?” Bucky kneels down beside you as you cough.
“I’m fine. You can go. Go.” You urge, unable to look up at him. Bucky doesn’t budge though, his hand coming up to push back the hairs stuck to your forehead. “Bucky. Please.” You groan.
“I’ll walk her home.” Bucky says to Steve, ignoring your pleas. “The air will do her some good and the car moving will only make her feel worse.”
Steve looks between you two hesitantly. “I don’t know, I can take her.” You still feel nauseous, especially at the idea of Steve who you’re pretty sure just broke up with you wanting to keep you away from Bucky for your comfort.
When you look up, Natasha is standing behind Bucky with worried eyes. You feel tears gather in the corner of your eyes as they move to Bucky. He smiles gently, his hand still resting against your cheek. “Let me walk you home, sweets.”
The nickname makes your heart soar. Months of nothing but your first name and you feel like you’re floating at the sound of it. “Okay.” You nod, your hand coming up to rest on his. “Okay.” You pull out your phone to cancel the Lyft.
He helps you stand. “I’ll see you.” He says apologetically to Natasha. She doesn’t look upset, in fact she smiles at him like she knows something you two don’t. “I’ll let you know when we get home.” He says to Steve, who nods before following Natasha inside.
You feel flushed and hot all over. A horrible mixture of drinks, jealously and nausea settling in your stomach. It makes you horribly dizzy and you’re forced to lean against Bucky heavily for support.
“One step at a time, sweets.” Bucky says softly, his metal arm wrapped tightly around your waist.
》
“Almost there.” Bucky exhales a deep breath as he all but carries you towards the couch. He’d given up on getting you down the hall, you had pretty much become dead weight and getting you down the hall to the apartment had taken a lot out of Bucky. “Few more steps, sweets.”
Bucky’s cheeks are red and his entire body is warm. It’s been so long since he’s been this close to you and he can’t help but feel his heart grow as you latch onto him.
“Easy. Easy.” He murmurs as he sits you down gently on the couch. You mumble incoherently as you head lands on the back of the couch.
He pulls away from you and pulls his phone out. Sorry to leave you, maybe we can catch up another time?
Maybe. As friends, of course.
Bucky glances at you before looking back down at his phone, he begins to type but another message pops up quickly.
I saw the way you looked at her, I don’t think you’re looking for a girlfriend! It’s okay :)
Bucky leaves the phone sitting on the coffee table as he focuses his attention back on you. You open your eyes and look at him sadly. “What’s wrong with me?” You ask quietly.
“Nothing.” Bucky responds immediately, his hand reaching out for your cheek. The moan of relief you let out at the coolness of his metal appendage goes straight through Bucky. “Nothing is wrong with you.” He forces his voice to stay steady.
He takes a seat next to you on the couch and drops his hand back to his lap. While you stare at the carpeted floor, Bucky’s eyes trail over you. He takes in the skin tight pants and soft sweater. The way your legs look makes him swallow thickly. You were beautiful and Bucky loved you.
The thought makes him pause, but it doesn’t scare him nearly as much as he thought it would. He did. He loved you. He knew looking at you now that the months of questioning it and then trying to make himself believe it was just as a friend as you dated Steve, was all in vain. He loved you. Maybe he had loved this whole time.
You look up at him suddenly, like you can hear his thoughts, and Bucky is frozen in his spot. You move towards him slowly and he can’t do anything but watch.
You crawl into his lap and Bucky’s hands immediately rest on your waist to hold you steady. “What… What’re doing?” He can’t hide the shock in his tone. He has to hold back a moan as your hands come up to run through his hair. You left yanks gently at the hair on the back of his head to force him to look up at you and Bucky is unable to stop the moan from slipping out then.
You smile down at him cheekily. “Want you to fuck me.” Your already slurred words are murmured, so Bucky almost doesn’t understand you. “It’s been so long, Buck.” You grind down and he chokes on his own spit, not expecting his night to end like this.
“You gotta stop, sweets.” His grip on you waist tightens in an attempt to halt your movements. “You’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re doing.” He says, looking back up at you.
Your hands rest on his shoulders and you shake your head. “I know I hated seeing you with her. I hate not having you. Please, I miss you.” You whisper pleadingly.
The words pain Bucky. “I miss you too, but you don’t want this.” He gently pushes you off of his lap and back onto the couch cushions beside him.
Your head falls to your hands while your elbows rest against your legs. “Why don’t you want me?” You look back up at him with wet eyes. Bucky freezes. Is that what you thought? That he didn’t want you?
“Sweetheart, you have no idea how much I want you.” He admits, reaching out to pull your hands away from your face completely. You shake your head and pull yourself away from him.
“If you wanted me you wouldn’t have flirted with her all night. In front of me. In front of our friends.” Bucky looks at you with wide eyes. How could you be upset with him over that when you had gone with Steve? When you had been dating Steve?
“You’re with Steve.” He reminds you. “Am I supposed to not flirt with other people? You told me we were just roommates. We’re barely even friends!” He exclaims.
“No! I told you that because you hurt me.” You wipe tears off of your cheeks. “You… You made me feel like I was something to you then told me I was just a fuck. I was hurt.” You explain. “God, you- I loved you so much and you just - just-“
“You love me?” Bucky cuts you off. He knows you’re drunk, but the words make his heart race. He feels his eyes soften as he stares at your form.
The tears gathered in your eyes begin to fall down your cheeks as you shake your head hastily. “Loved you. I loved you. But you didn’t love me, so I moved on.”
Bucky didn’t know it was possible to physically feel your heart break, but here he was, his heart cracking painfully as you look away from him.
“I’m so tired.” You whisper. “Why could you flirt with her in front of all our friends? Why… Why was I a dirty secret?”
Bucky doesn’t know what to say to you. Doesn’t know how to explain to you that he wasn’t afraid of losing her the way he was you. He didn’t know her at all, he certainly didn’t know her the way he knew you.
“We should get you to bed.” Bucky stands abruptly. His hands come down to hold your arms gently as he helps you stand. “We can talk in the morning.”
You allow him to pull you up, it looks like you’ve given up on furthering the conversation. Bucky picks you up bridal style to carry you down the hall.
Your arms rest loosely around his neck. “Steve broke up with me.” You say as Bucky drops you onto your mattress. “He knows about us. He doesn’t want someone who… who…” You trail off before falling into a fit coughs.
“We’ll talk in the morning.” Bucky says softly, his fingers trailing over your cheeks. “I promise, sweetheart.” You already have a water bottle on your nightstand, so Bucky searches your vanity for Advil.
He leaves two pills beside the bottle. You’re already dozing off, your eyes fluttering shut, so Bucky leans down to press a kiss to your forehead. When he goes to pull back, your hand shoots out and wraps around his wrist. “Stay. Please.” You whisper.
Bucky hesitates for a second before nodding and sitting beside you on the bed as he pulls his shoes off. His heart races as he moves to lay beside you and he feels flushed as you curl into his side.
He allows himself to relax with you in his arms. It had been so long since you’ve been beside him like this and Bucky lets himself feel love as you do.
Is this what he had been afraid of the entire time?
》
You wake up hot, nauseous and with a pounding headache.
And something wrapped tightly around you. When you open your eyes fully, the first thing you see is a metal arm wrapped tightly around your waist. You groan when your eyes trail up and the sunlight streaming in from your window hits you.
A deeper groan is returned and it makes you freeze. You rack your brain for what happened last night, but all you could remember was getting sick outside the bar and Bucky taking you home. Had you said something? Had he?
You turn over in his arms and look up at him. His eyes are still closed and he’s letting out steady, soft breaths.
“Bucky.” You whisper, your hand coming up to rest against his chest. “Bucky, wake up.” You say a little louder.
His eyes snap open and immediately he pulls away from you. “Shit. Sorry. I’m sorry. You… You…” He sots up and rubs a hand over his face.
“I don’t… What happened? I just remember you walking me home.” You sit up slowly. You’re still wearing your leggings and the sweater from last night. You groan. “I’m sorry I took you away from…” He shakes his head.
“It’s okay. I offered. You asked me to stay when I got you into bed, I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable.” His apology is sincere and you suck in a deep breath.
“It’s okay. I don’t… You know I don’t mind falling asleep with you.” Neither of you move or say anything, just sit on opposite sides of your bed in awkward silence. “I-“
“I love you.” Bucky blurts effectively cutting you off. Your eyes widen and your pulse quickens as you stare at him. You had not been expecting that. “And… I’m sorry it took all of this. Not being friends, Steve, drinks, for me to realize, but I do. I think I’ve always loved you, I just… I didn’t know it.”
You shake your head as you try to process what he’s saying. “I don’t… I don’t understand. Where is this coming from?”
“I… Seeing you with Steve. I didn’t… It killed me inside.” Bucky admits.
“And you think that means you love me?” You spit out. “You said it yourself, Bucky Barnes doesn’t do relationships.” You shake your head. “You’re just jealous because you don’t have my attention anymore.”
“That’s not true.” Bucky says adamantly. He turns his body on the bed so it’s facing you. “It made me realize I love you. It made me realize my favorite time of the day is when I get to spend time with you. That our Sundays spent reading and Saturdays watching Law and Order were always better than bars or parties because I was with you. I… I want to do the relationship things with you. Holding hands, just sleeping together. Telling people you’re my girlfriend.”
You stare at him tearfully. “How do you know it’s love? That you didn’t just miss me?”
“I know what it’s like to miss you. This feeling? This warmth in my chest when you’re around and the ache there when you’re gone? That’s not missing you. I...” He pauses. “I love you. And It’s okay if you don’t feel the same anymore-“
“-Anymore?” You question. Your eyes squeeze shut as you headache gets worse. “Bucky, what-“
“You told me you loved me last night. You were drunk, I know, but-“
“Fuck.” You laugh to yourself as you take in everything he has said. Pieces of last night come flashing back to your mind. Crawling into Bucky’s lap, crying, admitting you had loved him. “Oh God.” You groan, rubbing your hands over your face.
“Bucky you don’t have to-“ You shake your head. “You don’t have to try and make this something it isn’t because you feel bad.”
“I’m not.” Bucky reaches a hand out to rest on your back. “What can I do to make you believe me?”
You look over at him. “Prove it.”
》
Steve meets him for coffee later that morning. You’re out with Wanda for Sunday brunch and Bucky is on his final stop of his apology tour.
“Hey.” Steve looks up from his phone and smiles at Bucky. “Can I sit?” Bucky motions to the chair across from him and Steve nods.
Steve pushes a black coffee over to Bucky, whose nose scrunches up at the scent. Fair, Bucky thinks. “What’s up?” Steve asks quietly. “You missed our run this morning.”
Bucky looks down at the table. “I had some stuff to deal with. You know with-“ Bucky cuts himself when Steve nods. “Listen, I wanted to say I’m sorry. Shit was never supposed to get this messed up.”
Steve shrugs. “You tell her?” He gives Bucky a knowing smile. “That you love her?”
Bucky gives him a small smile in return. “I did. Yeah.” He taps his fingers against the table. “She’s got some, uh, trust issues with me. But it makes sense. We’re gonna take it slow.”
“I’m happy for you, Buck.” Steve admits after taking a sip of his drink. “I was never mad or angry with you. I always knew she still cared for you and I think I always knew it would never be anything serious.”
Bucky nods. “Thanks, Steve.” He looks down at his coffee with an appreciative smile.
“Besides,” Steve smirks, “Natasha is super cool. We exchanged numbers last night after she asked about what was going on between you two.”
》
Bucky invites you to spend Christmas with his family. You don’t even have to think about it before you say yes. Christmases with his family were always full of warmth and love; You absolutely loved it.
You’re more excited to be here this year too, to celebrate with him in this way. As his girlfriend, you had heard him tell Rebecca over the phone when informing her of his plans to drive up to see them Christmas Eve.
You had the perfect gift for him too, well, you have a few gifts for him. Most of them could wait for Christmas with his mom and sister, but there were two you were just desperate to see his reaction to.
That’s why you slip out of his room in the early hours of the morning when the sky is still dark and everybody is asleep.
That’s how Bucky wakes up, a small, wrapped box sitting on the nightstand and you nowhere to be found. Bucky eyes the box warily before looking around the rest of his bedroom. Your suitcase is unzipped and he can tell it’s be riffled through before being shoved back into the corner os his room.
His door is pushed open quietly. “Why are you up?” His voice makes you jump and spin so your back slams against the door. Bucky has to bite back a laugh as you take a couple deep, calming breaths.
“I...I was going to wake you up.” You tip toe across the room and crawl into bed beside Bucky. You suck in a deep, nervous breath. While you and Bucky had been dating for the past few weeks, you had also been taking it slow. “For gifts.”
Bucky’s eyebrows furrow as he sits up a little straighter in bed. “Gifts? It’s five in the morning, I promise Becca and my mom are in such deep sleep we couldn’t wake them if we tried.”
Kind of what I’m banking on, you think. “No. I mean.. Our gifts, for each other.” You explain in a soft voice, before reaching over to pick up the small box you had left sitting on the nightstand. “I didn’t want to give you this in front of your family and I don’t think I can wait.” You admit a little sheepishly.
Bucky looks down at the box with a soft smile. “Just let me get one of your gifts.” He sits it down on the comforter before crawling out of the bed and moving to his suitcase. He picks up a small box, wrapped in the same gift paper his is because he had stolen your roll, and smiles up at you.
He hands it over and the two of you just stare at each other with bright, happy smiles before tearing into the wrapping paper at the same time. Your mouth drops open in shock when you open the box.
A bracelet is staring back at you. A silver band filled with charms that make you smile as you run your fingertips over each one. Your alma mater’s mascot. The Brooklyn Bridge. A bottle of wine. “Buck...” You trail off in awe. “This is beautiful.”
“Sweets.” He says the nickname gently and you look up to watch him pull the watch out of the box with a small smile. “This is...” He flips it over in his hand and his eyes widen when he notices the engraving on the back.
the best lovers start as friends.
“I love you.” He runs a finger of the engraved metal as you whisper softly, “I... I’ve loved you for so long, Buck, and having your love in return is unlike anything I could have imagined.”
Bucky drops the watch on the bed between you as he reaches across to pull you into a bruising kiss. You drop your own gift onto the bed and reach up to rest a hand on his chest.
“I love you.” Bucky pulls away to whisper the words. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” He punctuates each sentence with a kiss to your skin. You giggle softly as he moves towards you and his hand settles on your waist.
“I have something else for you.” You pull away to remove the bracelet and watch from the bed. Bucky watches as you move so you’re on your knees with intrigued eyes. You smile coyly as you move to pull his shirt over your head.
Bucky lets out a low moan as his eyes trail over your body, covered in dark green lace. “What’s this?” His fingers come up to trace over the lace and leave goosebumps in their wake.
“Your second gift.” You murmur breathlessly as he fingers drift lower and lower. Bucky smirks as he leans towards you and presses a kiss to your neck, then across your collar bone until he’s trailing kisses down the valley of your breasts.
He pulls away after a moment and looks up at you questioningly. “Are you sure?”
You smile down at him and wrap your arms around his shoulders. “I wouldn’t have dropped this much money on lingerie if I wasn’t sure.” His arms wrap tightly around your waist as he pulls your body flush against his.
“What did I do to deserve a gift like this?” He looks up at you with a bright smile. You run a hand through his hair. “Love me.” You answer genuinely. Red dusts Bucky’s cheeks at your words as you lean in to kiss him.
You shift so you’re straddling Bucky’s lap. “Gonna fuck me?” You murmur in question against his lips. Bucky moans against you and his hips buck up involuntarily. His hand drops from your waist to your thigh and he trails his fingertips up.
“You look so pretty, sweets.” He smirks up at you as his hand pushes the lace aside. He runs the tip of his index finger over your wet folds and you push down already wanting more from him. “Patience, sweetheart. Let me take you in. I wanna enjoy my gift.”
You moan as he begins to rub slowly against your clit. “Want you to ride my thigh first, sweets.” Bucky shifts you so your legs are straddled over his left thigh.
You moan as your clit rubs against his thigh. You pull at the waist band and his sweatpants and he helps you pull them off of his legs before situating your body back over him. “Fuck.” You let out a deep sigh as his hands land on your hips.
His eyes are dark and pupils blown as he stares at you above him. Bucky’s already hard, you can see his dick straining against his briefs. He doesn’t do more than lightly guide you by the hands on your hips, but his eyes watching you intently as you moan is enough to make your stomach twist in pleasure.
“Fuck, James.” He groans as his first name tumbles out of your mouth in a breathy moan. “You look so pretty on my thigh, sweetheart. I love watching you.”
He leans forward then, to press kisses across your breasts as you move back and forth against him. “Feels so good.” One of your hands twists in his hair and Bucky moans against your skin.
You move faster against him as you feel yourself get wetter. You moan his name like a mantra as Bucky’s hands grip you tighter and tighter.
Bucky’s hands force you to a stop. You whine at the lost of pleasure, but it’s not long before Bucky has you flipped so you’re laying on your back beneath him.
“Gonna fuck you, is that okay sweets?” He leans back to pull his shirt off and you nod hastily as your hands come up to pull at his briefs. It’s not long before you’re bare underneath him, the lace garments discarded to the floor of his bedroom.
“Gotta be quiet.” He runs his tip over you folds in a teasing manner that almost makes you moan out. Instinctively, your hips buck up with a quiet whine. His hand comes up to cover your mouth. “Don’t want Becca to hear. She’s just down the hall, sweets.”
It’s a warning and it makes heat spread through you. You’re not sure if it’s the idea that you could get caught in his childhood bedroom or the way Bucky’s voice deepens, but it makes you tired of waiting. “Please.” Your beg is muffled by his hand, but he hears it. He doesn’t wait any longer, he pushes himself all the way in and you both let out relieved moans at the feeling. “Fuck. Fuck. You always feel so good, baby.”
Your back arches into his body as he begins fucking you at a slow pace. When he seems satisfied that you won’t make too much noise, his hand moves from your mouth he rests his forearm on the pillow beside your head. “James.” It’s a whispered moan that makes his hips stutter. “Faster. Please. I’ll be quiet.” You promise, your legs wrapping around him. Bucky leans down to press a bruising kiss to your lips as he fucks into you faster. You moan into his mouth as pleasure rushes through you.
There’s something extremely intimate about the way he fucks into you, one hand holding onto your hip and another resting beside your head. It’s love, you realize when he pulls back to look at you with soft eyes. It does something to you, makes want rush through your veins and pulls the air from your lungs. “I love you.” You whisper into the space between you two, Bucky still pushing in and out of you.
“I love you.” His eyes slide shut and his head falls to nuzzle into your neck. “You look at me like that again I’m not gonna last, sweets.” He press a gentle kiss to your neck before beginning to suck harshly. You’re sure there will be a mark there tomorrow that you’ll never live down, but you can’t bring yourself to care when his tongue runs over the mark and your stomach clenches in excitement.
“Fuck. I’m so close, Bucky, please. I- I need-“ His hand is reaching between your bodies before you can spit the sentence out. His finger rubs against your clit as he quickens his pace. “Yes. Yes.” You moan, and you can immediately tell it’s too loud when Bucky freezes. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” You mutter, so close and desperate for him to resume his pace.
“I know, I’m close too, but we can’t wake the house up.” You throw your head back and bite down hard enough to draw blood when he resumes his movements. He’s rubbing at your already sensitive clit and fucking you quickly, it’s all too much as your stomach tightens in pleasure. “Yeah. I can feel you, baby. Come for me, please. I need to feel you.” His tone is deep and possessive in your ear.
When he slams into you hard, your orgasm washes over you. Your mouth opens in a moan that Bucky catches with a messy kiss. You can feel his hips stutter against you as he reaches his own high and releases into you.
The two of you stay like that for a moment, just breathing with each other. “Merry Christmas.” You laugh softly as Bucky pulls out and moves to grab a towel from his desk chair.
Bucky smiles as he comes to lay beside you again and wipes gently at your thighs. He pulls the comforter up so it’s wrapped around both of you again and pulls you so your head rests against his chest. “Merry Christmas.” He whispers in return.
You glance out the window and find that it’s snowing again. You’ll probably be snowed in for the next few days, but you don’t really mind, not with Bucky here and in your arms the way you’ve always wanted.
》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《
notes // this took weeks to finish and i truly hope whoever reads it through enjoys it!
my writing is free & will remain free. if you enjoy it and you have the resources, consider donating to my ko-fi :)
#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes#bucky barnes x female reader#bucky barnes x fem!reader#bucky barnes imagine#bucky barnes smut#bucky barnes oneshot#steve rogers#james bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes x you#bucky barnes x y/n#steve rogers x reader#bucky barnes fanfiction
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Break up prank on the sk8 boys
➯ Characters: Reki Kyan, Langa Hasegawa, Cherry, Joe, Miya and Shadow x gn reader
➯ Warnings: none, just some angst to fluff. Enjoy!
Reki:
He thought it was a joke at first
Like you, he watched his fair share of videos, and had seen the trend going around already
But you weren’t discouraged, you were going to try and make him believe it no matter what
He laughed it off the first time, but after you simply gave him a puzzled look and a “huh?”, he felt his heart pick up significantly. Maybe you weren’t joking??
Instantly he was running back in his mind where he could’ve possibly gone wrong, where he could’ve messed up so badly that you felt the need to leave?
After his nervous laugh died down, he went deadly silent
“You’re serious?”
You were starting to feel awful, like maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all, but you decided to persist
When you nodded your head slowly, you could’ve died when you saw how quickly his face dropped
Even though he had a small smile on his face, you could see the tears pooling at the corners of his eyes. He was running a shaky hand through his hair, and when you were ready to take him into your arms, to tell him you were only kidding, he wouldn’t let you get a word in edgeways
A flood of questions was suddenly leaving his moth, all his unvoiced questions coming out in one go. He was holding your hand now in an almost death grip, asking you why you were unhappy, why you wanted to leave
Why he wasn’t good enough for you
That’s all you needed before you were pulling him into your arms, sobbing yourself. This shut him up, he was completely speechless as your tears pooled on his shoulder, telling him you were so sorry, that you were only joking. You just wanted to see him get a little panicky, you never expected the outcome to look like this
As soon as the words left your mouth you saw his shoulders visibly drop, pulling you impossibly closer as he let the last of his tears out. He chuckled shakily, running a hand up your back.
“I thought I lost you for a second there”
That was when you pulled your head out of his shoulder, grabbing his face between your hands and pulling him closer to you. Eyes wide, he simply watched as you declared he could never lose you, that you weren’t going anywhere. You were stuck to him like glue, whether he likes it or not
He gave you one last relieved smile, before he was pulling you close again for a desperate kiss. He kissed you like it was the last time he ever would, because now that he’d thought he lost you, he was never going to take anything about you for granted again
Langa:
Was fully convinced you were serious right off the bat
Right as the words “I think we should break up” were leaving your lips, his brain was doing overtime trying to figure put how he hadn’t realised how unhappy you were. Sure, he was kind of bad at reading emotions, but surely he wasn’t so terrible he couldn’t figure out how his own s/o was feeling?
Was he really as bad at communication as people told him he was?
You instantly regretted your decision as you watched his mouth hang open, saw his eyes scrunch slightly as he wrung his hands quietly at his sides
He nodded, and you couldn’t seem to swallow the lump in your throat as your eyes locked on the small tear rolling down his cheek, which he quickly wiped away with a small smile
“If thats what will make you happy”
You couldn’t seem to collect your thoughts as you watched him step closer to you, dropping his head to your level as he grabbed your hand. It was soft, as if he didn’t want to hurt you any more than he thought he had. He stumbled over his words, trying to find the right ones to say. Eventually he just took a deep breath, and looked into your eyes
“Were you really that unhappy?” Your heart broke when you heard the crack in his voice towards the end. “How did I not notice how sad you were?” Tears were falling down his face again and he didn’t even bother wiping them away this time. Suddenly you were shooting forward, grabbing his shoulders as you began to cry
“You’ve never made me unhappy Langa, not once.” You saw his wide eyes stare at you, not even attempting to reply as he watched you continue. “It was a joke, Langa. I wanted to see how you’d react, I didn’t think you’d take it this seriously. Did you really think you made me unhappy? Ive never been happier than when I’m with you-“ you barely got to finish before he was wrapping you in his arms, his grip vicelike. His face was digging into your shoulder, clinging to you as if you’d disappear any second.
His breath was ragged and shaky as he pulled you even closer, making sure there was absolutely no room for you to escape. You ran your hand through his hair in an attempt to calm him down as he slowly emerged from your shoulder
With a small chuckle, he rubbed the side of your face with his hand, letting his head drop slightly as he let out a sigh of relief
“I really thought I was ignoring my own s/o’s feelings.” You laughed, pulling him into another hug
“If I’m ever upset, I’ll let you know. Just know it wont be for quite a while” you grinned, grabbing his collar to pull him into a kiss. It was sweet, and gentle, and you felt all your previous problems melt away as Langa pulled you closer, smiling into the kiss
Cherry:
You and Kaoru rarely fought, and when you did it was over minor things that were reconciled within a day. So when you were sitting him down, asking if he’d be okay with breaking up, the only thing he could feel was complete confusion.
What happened? You’d always been so happy, never expressing much discontent. And besides, whenever you did it was resolved as soon as possible. What was so different today?
What was making you so unhappy that you felt the relationship was beyond saving?
Or worse, what outside your relationship was making you happier than him?
He kept these thoughts to himself, coughing quietly to try and open up his throat that seemed to be impossibly tight at that moment. He held your hand, stroking it softly and nodding before looking up at you
“Why the sudden change of heart, hm?”
The small smile on Kaoru’s face that was slowly diminishing by the second made you want to melt into the ground. Even when you were asking him to leave, he was still so caring, still so loving. You could only watch, feeling your heart break as he looked at you, his eyes glassy as he quickly plastered the fakest smile you’ve ever seen onto his face
“Well, if you’re unhappy when you’re with me, surely we shouldn’t be together.” He let out a small, breathy laugh that was almost missed by you, if you hadn’t been watching him with such avid horror. “I dont know why you feel you aren’t happy anymore, sweetheart, but I’m glad you realised what you want.” You watched him stand without a word, as you slowly realised that this is real.
He thinks this is real
That was all you needed before you were leaping off the couch, practically turning it over with the force you’d pushed off it. You were shouting his name, grabbing him by the arm and absolutely dragging him to face you. With the sudden turn and shock, you both ended up on the floor as you began to babble, words pouring out of your mouth and tears streaming from your eyes
“Kaoru, of course I’m not unhappy, you always know just how to make me happy, I could never leave you!” You were jumping on top of him, wrapping your arms around his neck as he sat up, a hand on your back and the other pulling your hair back from your face, trying to find any trace of a lie on your face
“Are you serous? It was all...” he was speechless. He didn’t realise you would even pull something like that, much less go so far with it
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” you sobbed. “I never meant for it to go this far. I just wanted to see you get a little worked up, pull a funny prank, nothing else, i prom-“ you were cut off when Kaoru pushed his lips onto yours, breath shaky as he ran his hand through your hair, as if you were going to disappear any second and he was making sure you were still there
When you finally pulled away, he pressed his forehead to yours, letting out a small laugh
“Don’t ever pull that shit again”
Joe:
When you first brought it up with him, he felt his heart drop into his stomach. Surely you weren’t serious, right?
He kept a smile quirked on his lips, a questioning look in his eyes. Still, you kept a face of steel, as if challenging him to ask if you were joking
As worried as he was, he wasn’t sure you were being serious. Something about it wasn’t..genuine? You looked too straight-faced, your expression staying neutral the whole time as if to not give something away. He was certain he hadn’t done enough to make you this delighted about breaking up, so why were you so unaffected?
The cogs were turning in his brain, all arrows pointing towards one of two directions: either he was a massive dick, or it was a prank
Oh. A prank
Of course, he wasn’t certain, but it would certainly explain quite a bit
So he decided on a plan. It wasn’t exactly the nicest thing to do, but if it was a prank, it was a nice way for him to get you back for the little skit you pulled. And if it wasn’t a prank, well, maybe it’ll take the sting away a little
His mouth quickly dropped to a frown, ready to put his plan into action. “Oh yeah? Well, thats a bit of a relief.” He had to try hard to hide his grin when he saw your eyebrows furrow, saw the frown begin to spread across your face. So maybe it was a prank. You could only watch as he continued his speech
“You see, I’ve been thinking about ending things for a while now. There was a girl at S I met a few weeks back, and man, you should’ve seen the eyes she’s been giving me. Anyways, I’ve taken a real liking to her, and Ive been thinking about giving things with her a shot. Of course, now it shouldn’t be a bother, right?”
When he saw your face contort from confusion to anger, he knew he’d fucked up severely. Suddenly you were getting up close to his face, prank forgotten, poking him in the chest as you began to shout
“Are you serious!? After all we’ve been through together, you’re just gonna leave me for some bitch you met a few weeks ago??” You were fuming at this point, while Joe watched you with with a look of mock confusion
“What’s your problem? You were the one who wanted to “break up”, right?” Something about the way he said ‘break up’ made you freeze, looking up at him as you watched a grin begin to form on Joe’s face. That bastard
“You...you asshole!” You were lost for words. He knew this whole time? And instead of enlightening you, he decided to play along? You watched with a blank expression as Joe laughed, pulling you into a hug
“I knew it” he let out a loud laugh, but it almost seemed forced. You pulled away, and when you tried to look at him his eyes seemed to be everywhere but you. You grabbed his jaw, forcing him to look at you
“You didn’t think id actually want to break up, did you?” When he simply frowned, pulling his eyes away again you cooed, pulling him into your chest as you stroked his hair, feeling his arms slowly wrap around your waist and hold you close
It’s safe to say the two of you stayed like that for quite a while
Shadow:
When you asked him to break up as a joke, you simply wanted to see if you could piss him off. Hiromi was prone to getting mad at the smallest things, cursing up a storm when he did something as small as mess up his makeup
So when you saw his face break, felt him shrink in on himself as he asked you why, what had he done that made you want to leave, your face was frozen with shock
Now this was completely new. Of course, you knew Hiromi wasn’t just some big angry man, but you didn’t think he’d get this worked up
Brows furrowed, he brought a hand to his forehead as he let out a long breath
“What happened?” Those two words held so much emotion it almost made you break. You didn’t realise how much this would affect him, just how upset it would make him. But here he was, an emotional wreck as he wiped an almost-tear away from the edge of his eye
But soon after, he was stepping close to you, grabbing your hand and looking at you with all the sincerity in the world
“Please, give me another chance. I dont know what I did, but I do know we can fix it. I know we can, please y/n. I cant lose you”
His heartfelt speech was all you needed for the tears to slowly fall from your eyes, Hiromi looking at you with a look of concern, and confusion. You were stepping into his arms, crying silently as he hesitantly put his arms around you, not quite sure what to do. So was that a yes?
You picked your head off his shoulder, not moving from his arms
“Oh, Hiromi” he looked down at you, concern washing over his face once more. “It was only a prank, I’m so sorry.”
Now he wasn’t just upset, but relieved. A bit of anger was in there somewhere, but that could be overlooked for now. He let out a loud laugh, hugging you so tightly you could’ve sworn you felt at least 3 of your ribs break
“And what made you think that was a funny thing to do?” His voice was dripping with sarcasm, not letting you out of his death grip. You simply shrugged, burying yourself deeper into his chest. He smiled, his knees practically buckling after the whole ordeal
He held you at arms length, a frown on his face. You felt a twinge of panic, maybe he wouldn’t forgive you?
This thought was quickly forgotten when he barked out a loud laugh. He dropped his face to your level, putting his hands on your shoulders
“Pull something like that again, and I swear you’ll give me a heart attack”
Miya:
Miya has never been one for properly expressing his emotions, so when you walked up to him one day and asked him to break up, he simply frowned. He didn’t let it on, but his world was very quickly caving in around him
Keeping a neutral expression, he sighed and nodded his head. He didn’t trust himself to speak right now
When you gave him a confused look from his lack of a verbal response, he really had to try to not walk out of that room there and then. You break up with him, and then expect him to just take it and walk away with a smile??
When you continued to look at him expectantly, he just let out a breath, turning away from you. “Fine. Whatever. If thats really what you want then so be it” he was kicking himself for being so blunt, but what other choice did he have? He couldn’t think, his lungs felt too small, too cramped
And now you were going to leave just like everyone else had
You tried to put your hand on his shoulder, calling his name quietly. He simply shrugged you off, dipping his head so you wouldn’t see the tears that were quickly collecting in his eyes. You’d just dumped him, the last thing he needed was you seeing him cry. You didn’t give up, asking him why he wouldn’t just look at you. Still not facing you, he attempted to talk again
“What more is there to discuss? You want to leave, so go. I’m not going to stop you if its what you want.” The crack in his voice at the end of his sentence broke your heart, and you were quickly turning him around, with more force this time, so he was forced to look you in the eyes
“Do you really think I’d leave that easily? It was a prank, you dumbass.” His head was buzzing with thoughts, why the hell would you do that? So you dont actually want to leave? You’re still gonna stay with him? You-
His thoughts were interrupted by you flicking his forehead. His hands flew to his head, letting out a cry. First you pretend to dump him, and now you have the audacity to flick him?
However, it did serve its purpose of pulling him out of his thoughts, and you were quickly pulling him into a hug while you stroked his hair. Before long you felt your shoulder grow wet with tears, the occasional sniffle leaving him. You laughed, holding him close as you tilted his chin to look at you
“I’m not going anywhere, as much as you might like me to. You’re stuck with me for a while longer, Miya Chinen.” He looked away from you, clicking his teeth
“Shut up..” he was mumbling, but there was so mistaking how hard he was gripping your clothes, as if you might try to leave again. But like you said, you weren’t going anywhere for quite some time
#sk∞#sk8 the infinity#sk8 the infinity x reader#reki kyan x reader#langa hasegawa x reader#kojiro nanjo x reader#kaoru sakurayashiki x reader#hiromi higa x reader#miya chinen x reader#reki x reader#langa x reader#cherry blossom x reader#sk8 joe#sk8 langa#sk8 reki#sk8 miya#sk8 shadow#sk8 cherry blossom#langa hasegawa headcanons#reki kyan headcanons#kaoru sakurayashiki headcanons#kojiro nanjo headcanons#Reki kyan#langa hasegawa#kojiro nanjo#kaoru sakurayashiki#miya chinen#hiromi higa#break up prank#sk8 the infinity fic
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It’s Been a Long, Long Time | Ch 6
Summary: When HYDRA had their prized asset, the Winter Soldier, they did something no one ever thought was possible: they gave super soldier serum to an omega. With the sole purpose of tending to him during his ruts, she spends decades living in HYDRA facilities, denied her humanity and her life. Now, years later, Bucky Barnes has his mind and his own life back...and the last thing he ever expects is to see a familiar omega again. Bucky/OC, a little angsty but mostly smutty/fluffy/romantic!
Part One | ... | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven
Tags: @kyrah-williams @oceanmermaidwitch @shawnie--jo @super-cape @ferxaniti @namjoonwatcheshentai @fandomsstolemylife00 @youngblood199456 @nightlygiggless @darlingely @ bluemoon-icecream @kaz11283 @jenjen8675309 @dollfacev8 @witchinpractice @mystical-b3ar @sukeraa
Bucky refused to leave the omega’s side while she stayed in the lab. Bruce had to stop him from trying to crawl onto the bed with her, and after about the third time, he convinced the super soldier to just pull up a chair like a civilized person and hold her hand while she drifted off to sleep again. Now that she was with her alpha, she had settled down for another nap, more interested in resting than answering any more questions so long as Bucky stayed and kept an eye on her.
Steve had to admit, it was endearing. He had never seen his friend so absolutely enraptured like this. Whenever the omega, or Ten, as Bruce was still calling her, shifted in her sleep, Bucky’s eyes were snapping over to make sure that she was okay. Whenever she let out a little whimper, he was purring and stroking her hair. Whenever she seemed like she might wake up again, his attention was completely on her.
“So...sure you don’t remember her?” Steve asked, pulling up a chair. He had left for a few hours to work out, and after a lack of updates from FRIDAY, he headed back down to check on everything. They were exactly as he had left them, which was a good sign. At least nothing was getting out of hand.
Yet.
Bucky shrugged, rubbing the back of the omega’s hand with his thumb. “I dunno. It’s...foggy.”
“Well, it seems to me like you’ve either got a history together, or she’s mistaking you for someone else.” Steve said. “Quite frankly, it’s hard to do the latter.”
“I’ve dreamt of her.” Bucky said quietly.
“...what?”
“It’s not much, but...I’ve seen her face.” Bucky looked down at her. “I think that no matter how many times HYDRA wiped my memory, she’s always been in there. Kinda like the one constant that was always around, the one thing I could always count on being in the base with me.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Steve asked.
“Never knew if she was real or not.” Bucky sighed. “I thought...maybe she was just something my mind made up to fill some of the gaps. But she smells exactly like I remember.”
Steve sat back in his chair, his arms crossed over his chest as he watched his friend. Bucky wasn’t snarling anymore, most of his attention trained on the omega while she slept. Now that he was close to her, he had calmed down significantly, though he still wouldn’t let Steve within five feet of her bed.
“Just got off the phone with Tony,” Bruce announced, walking in. “He and Pepper will be back tonight. Pepper’s having some clothes and personal items delivered for our new omega friend here. They also asked about renovating a more permanent room for her, but I, uh...told them I wasn’t exactly sure what the situation would be.”
“She’s staying with me,” Bucky said immediately.
“Now hang on, hang on,” Steve leaned forward.
“Steve,” Bucky growled. “I want her with me.”
“Buck, you don’t even know her—“
Bucky interrupted him with a loud snarl, the omega in question whining and squirming in her sleep at the sound of it.
He immediately shut up, brushing a thumb over her cheek and shushing her until she was sleeping soundly again. Fuck, he felt so stupid. What was wrong with him? She could have woken up, or been scared, or upset, all because he couldn’t keep his big mouth shut. She needed her rest, and he needed to stay quiet.
Steve almost couldn’t believe what he was seeing.
“Oh, Buck,” he shook his head. “You’re in deep.”
—
Amoretta woke feeling well rested, and it wasn’t until she tried to stretch and felt the tug of her IV drip that she remembered where she was. Opening her eyes revealed the bright lights of the lab, and as she started to sit up, a few faces came into view.
“Welcome back, Sleeping Beauty,” Bruce said. “How are you feelin’?”
She licked her lips. “Juice box. Now.”
“Way ahead of you. Had this one waiting as soon as you started waking up.” He tossed one to her and was pleased when her hand shot up to catch it. “Reflexes look good. Vitals are all reading normal. I’ll have to run another test to see what’s going on with those suppressants, but I’m willing to bet you’re metabolizing them fairly quickly now. How are you feeling?”
She pulled the little straw off the back of the carton and jammed it into the top. “Nauseous. Like usual.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Side effect of the suppressants?”
“Always has been. Other than that...I feel great, actually.”
“Well, as soon as these wear off, we can figure out something nicer and more modern for you. If you want to use them, I mean.” Bruce shrugged. “Your choice.”
She smiled. “Choice. I like that.”
“Hey, we’re all about independence here,” Steve said happily. He was glad to see she was awake, even though Bucky wasn’t.
The other alpha was still at her side, but, as of about half an hour ago, he was napping. Steve made a mental note to never let him forget the way he slept straight through the one moment he had been waiting for all day.
“What time is it?” She asked. “There’s no windows in this damn place.”
“Just after dinner,” Bruce chuckled. “You slept most of the day. Bucky hasn’t left your side.”
She looked over to her soldier, smiling warmly at the sight of him sleeping. He was even snoring softly. “I haven’t gotten to see this in forty years.”
“Did you two, uh…” Steve cleared his throat. “Spend a lot of time together?”
The omega laughed. “You always this awkward around girls?”
“That’s not—“
“Relax, I’m just giving you a hard time.” She sucked on her straw. “But...yeah, we did.”
“So...you were just kept for his ruts, or…” Steve was so awkward it was almost endearing. “I’m sorry, that came out wrong. I think.”
“It’s okay. I know my lot in life.” She kept her eyes trained on Bucky as she spoke. “But if I’m going to answer more questions, I want to get out of this bed. And I want real clothes. Then I’ll talk.”
And so, only several minutes later, Bruce was handing her a sweater and some shorts he had grabbed from a little stash of extra clothing, and Bucky was startled awake by Ten stepping past him. She was finally free from all the tubes and cords that had been sticking out of her during her little hospital stay, and she was all too eager now to explore the tower.
She stood on wobbly legs, almost falling onto him when she tried to take a step. Bucky was up in a flash, ready to catch her, and as she fell against his chest, he wrapped his arms around her. Despite just waking up, he felt fully alert, completely ready to tend to his omega’s every need.
His omega...he liked that train of thought.
“We can head up to the common area. It should still be quiet.” Steve said, leading the way out.
Bucky kept an arm around his omega’s waist as they followed, Bruce bringing up the rear. He wanted to be touching her at all times, constantly in contact so that he couldn’t lose track of her. His instincts were roaring to life, demanding that he do everything in his power to make sure that she was safe and in his line of sight. The elevator ride was tense and full of possessive growling, Bucky constantly shoving Ten behind him to keep her in the corner and as far away from Steve as possible, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief when the doors slid open and they could step out of the cramped space again.
The common area was empty, thankfully, FRIDAY informing them that the other Avengers were all either working out or in their private quarters.
“Good,” Steve said, heading towards the couches. “No interruptions. Got it, FRIDAY?”
“Understood, Captain Rogers.”
“C’mere,” Bucky mumbled, pulling his omega down to sit on one of the couches with him. Part of him was feeling a little sheepish and self conscious of his behavior...but the rest of him didn’t give a shit. The others could stare and shake their heads all they wanted, but he’d be damned if he let Ten slip through his fingers again.
Or whatever her name was.
Steve and Bruce sat across from them, making sure that they left as much space as possible between themselves and the new omega. Neither of them had ever seen Bucky behaving quite like this--he was on guard, hyper aware of everything around him. He made sure that she was pressed up against his side, an arm draped possessively over the back of the couch so that it was unmistakable that she was with him.
Christ, what had gotten into him? He couldn’t remember ever acting this way about an omega before.
“So…” Steve cleared his throat, sitting with his elbows resting on his knees.
Bucky didn’t really like the way his posture made him lean forward towards his omega, but he could deal with it for now. “So.”
“What do you wanna know?” Ten asked, plucking at Bucky’s shirt. She seemed to be even clingier with him than he was with her, perfectly happy to be hanging off him or tucked up against his side. “You met my demands. I guess I’m an open book now.”
“I don’t want to overstep my bounds,” Steve said. “We just need to know as much as you’re willing to share.”
“Then ask a question.”
“...Alright.” he cleared his throat again. “You said HYDRA used you to help with Bucky’s ruts?”
Ten nodded, her expression remaining even and cool.
“Could you tell us more about that?” Steve glanced at Bucky. “Were there ever any other omegas, or anyone we should know about?”
“There were omegas before me.” she answered. “When I first got to the compound, there were a lot of us. They kept us all in big cells, so everyone talked. People said things about how HYDRA was grabbing omegas off the street for their super soldiers, and how the one at our base was the biggest and scariest.”
Bruce raised an eyebrow at her tone. He wasn’t exactly sure what he expected her to sound like while she regaled them with her life story, but he definitely thought there would be a tad bit more apprehension in her voice. She seemed proud of herself, and more matter-of-fact than a lot of omegas would be while talking about their alpha’s previous partners. Or...whatever you called prisoners whose only purpose was to help during ruts.
“And I bet he was,” she sighed, leaning her cheek on Bucky’s chest and looking up at him adoringly.
“Well, I don’t know about that…” Bucky said, an almost shy smile on his lips. And...was he actually blushing?
Steve was going to lose his mind.
“You said the other omegas couldn’t handle it? That’s why you were given the serum?” he prompted, trying to keep them on track before he drowned in the sticky sweetness of her happy pheromones.
“Right.” she turned her attention back to Steve and Bucky let out a quiet huff. “HYDRA didn’t really like to take care of us. And the soldier--I mean, Bucky--would wear them out. So...HYDRA would just kind of let them go. Or put them down, maybe. I never saw it.”
Bucky’s expression dropped. His blush was gone, and he almost looked like he was going to be sick as he listened to her talk.
“But it wasn’t his fault,” she said quickly, glancing between him and Steve. “I don’t think it was ever on purpose, you were just...demanding.”
He gave a groan, leaning his head back against the couch. “You don’t have to sugarcoat it, doll. I’d rather know what I did, at this point.”
She offered a small shrug. “I don’t really remember it being that bad, but I don’t think I ever met you before they gave me the serum.”
“That’s something, at least.” he mumbled, dragging a hand down his face.
“Why you?” Steve asked. “Did you have any prior military experience, any ties to something the others didn’t?”
“No.” she laughed. “I never even got in fights before HYDRA.”
“Then why’d they use such an important resource on you, specifically? Not trying to take a dig at you, it’s just...well, omegas don’t usually…”
“I know,” she said. “Omegas aren’t supposed to be tough, right? That’s why they only ever let alphas become super soldiers.”
“That’s not what I…” Steve trailed off and then sighed. “Sorry.”
“I told you, they gave me the serum so that I would be strong enough to hold my own. It also ensured I would always be around, no matter how many years passed.” Her fingers found Bucky’s free hand and she took it, absentmindedly playing with the smooth vibranium knuckles. “Having me as a constant meant they could stop spending so much time and effort on always having a new omega around for him. Plus…well, I wasn’t really there, but I heard something about it once…”
“What?” Bucky asked.
“They let you choose who was going to become your omega.” She said, looking up at him. “They gave you a bunch of scents, and you chose mine. I guess it was the only reason they didn’t, uh...humanely euthanize me.”
His eyes were wide. The thought of HYDRA killing his omega brought a low growl to his throat, his chest rumbling with the vibrations of it. “No.”
“Well, clearly they didn’t!” She said brightly. “My file said I was a kicker.”
“So they gave you, an already aggressive omega, the serum, but never gave you any trigger words or fished around in your brain?” Bruce shook his head. “Surprisingly sloppy, considering who they are.”
“It’s not like they ever sent me out into the world. I stayed in my cell all day, unless I was needed for a rut. Then I went and stayed in a different cell.” She sighed. “And if they ever needed to, they could just use the alpha to grab me.”
Bucky clearly didn’t like the thought of that. He made a frustrated sound, leaning his head back again. “Great.”
“It was never bad.” She let go of his hand, moving her fingers to cup his jaw. “You never hurt me. You wouldn’t. Sometimes, when I acted up, they would make you go retrieve me, because they knew you were the only one who could do it. If they didn’t send you, they would just knock me out.”
“So...that was it?” Steve asked. “Ruts, serum, cryo?”
“For thirty years!” She chirped. “The last time they froze me, they were freezing him, too. They always tried to keep us in cryo at the same time so that I could be thawed out and ready when he needed me. But...I guess they just...left me there?” She frowned.
“See, that’s what I’ve been trying to figure out.” Steve said. “I didn’t see any signs of a struggle at that base. I’d say they left in an orderly fashion, but the fact that they didn’t take you along makes me think they were in more of a hurry than they made it seem.”
“Natasha might have a better idea,” Bruce suggested. “We can talk to her, try to figure out—“
“FRIDAY, open the damn door or so help me God I will rewrite your entire personality.” A voice interrupted from the other side of the door.
“I’m sorry, Tony, but Captain Rogers asked me not to.” The AI said.
“Well, is it an emergency?” The man scoffed.
“No emergency measures have been executed. No security breaches have been identified.”
“Then I’m sorry, but Captain Rogers does not outrank me when it comes to my own robots. Open the door, beautiful.”
She seemed to sigh. “Very well, Mr. Stark.”
Ten perked up, leaning forward slightly. She was watching the door curiously, tilting her head a little when she heard it slide open. Bucky rolled his eyes, grumbling to himself quietly and pulling her up against his side as another alpha strode in.
“Really? Having a party without me?” the man asked, a smooth, casual air about him as he walked in and looked at everyone on the couches. When his eyes landed on the omega cuddled up next to Bucky, he stopped. “Ah, is this our new guest?”
“Go away, Stark.” Bucky growled. He didn’t like how long the other man’s gaze was lingering on his omega, not when there weren’t any scars on her neck to show who she belonged to.
“Always such a charmer, Barnes.” Tony said, flopping down next to Steve. “Lovely to see you, too. Care to introduce me to your friend? ….No, you’d rather just snarl and forget your words? I knew you were old, but I didn’t realize you were actually a caveman.”
“Tony,” Bruce groaned. “Don’t aggravate him. Please.”
“Why not?” Tony leaned back against the cushions, completely at ease and totally happy to be pressing every one of Bucky’s buttons.
“Are you Tony Stark?” Ten asked, wiggling out of Bucky’s grip to sit on the edge of their couch.
Bucky caught her around the waist before she could get very far, though, and dragged her onto his lap. He loomed over her, sneering dangerously at Tony as the other alpha flashed a smile.
“Bingo.” he said.
“I never thought I’d meet a Stark,” she admitted. “I always heard about Stark Industries, but I lived too far away from any big cities to ever get to see any of his exhibitions.”
“Ah. You’re from my father’s time. Of course.” Tony shot a pointed glare in Bucky’s direction. “Seems like Bruce left out a few teensy weensy important details on the phone today.”
“Well, it’s been, uh...an ongoing learning experience.” Bruce said sheepishly.
“Lots of developments, huh?” Tony raised an eyebrow.
“You could say that.” Steve said under his breath. “We came up here so Ten could be more comfortable while we talk.”
“Oh yeah? What’re we talkin’ about?” Tony asked.
“They were asking about my time with HYDRA,” she answered, cutting in before anyone else could. “And with...Bucky.”
Saying his name felt odd. Her tongue wasn’t used to it, and her mind wanted to call him alpha, or Winter Soldier. Bucky just seemed so…casual, such a strange thing to call a deadly super soldier. When she heard herself, though, she decided that she definitely didn’t hate it.
Bucky’s heart gave a little leap at the sound of his name falling from her lips. He wanted her to say it over and over again, in whispers and in screams, for nobody else’s ears but his.
“...Buck?” Steve asked, pulling him away from his thoughts. “You, uh, kinda zoned out there.”
It wasn’t until Bucky looked at Steve that he realized his eyes had been trained on the omega in his lap. “Yeah?”
“...Is this seriously how you’ve spent the past day and a half?” Tony asked. “Steve, I’m sorry, and I’m sure you’re just trying to be as helpful as you can be, like always, but I think you should let these two get a room.”
Steve looked at him incredulously. “Tony, really? I’m trying to get to the bottom of why exactly HYDRA would abandon the omega they pumped full of super soldier serum. They can get a room later—“
“Yeah, uh, wonder boy? I don’t think your pal is gonna last much longer before he tries to rip our heads off.” Tony nodded towards a very disgruntled Bucky. “You can resume your interrogation tomorrow, Cap.”
Steve looked to Bruce for help, but he only offered a small shrug and stood, heading towards the door. “He’s right, Steve. They deserve some alone time.”
“But—hey!” Steve protested as Bucky picked his omega up, striding past the two alphas sitting on the opposite couch.
“Thanks for everything, Steve.” Bucky said over his shoulder.
Ten squirmed, peeking around Bucky’s arm as she was carried away. “Bye, Mr. Stark!”
“Don’t look at him,” Bucky growled as they walked out the door.
“Did his father really make hoverboards? I heard once that Howard was promising hoverboards—“
“No.” He said flatly.
“...oh.” She huffed, slumping against him. “Where are we going?”
“My apartment.” Bucky stepped into the elevator, his grip still tight around her.
The omega perked up. “You have a whole apartment?”
He puffed his chest out a little. “Course I do. Gotta have a nice place for you, don’t I?”
“So I can stay?” Her eyes were bright and happy. “I can stay there, with you, all the time? Not just when you rut?”
He felt a sad little pang in his heart. When he spoke again, his voice was low and soft. “Of course, sweetheart.”
Then, his eyes widened as he realized what he was saying. “I mean, uh...i-if you want to, that is. I know it’s fast and all, and maybe...would you rather have your own room? Or I can stay on the couch—“
“Bucky,” she cut him off with a laugh, a soft hand cupping his jaw. “You’ve been my alpha for seventy years. I’d say we’re actually moving pretty slow.”
His expression relaxed again, lips stretching into a small smile. “Right. Yeah. You’re right.”
They spent the rest of the elevator ride in comfortable silence, Bucky rubbing his scent glands all over her hair. He wanted to make sure that the next time they encountered anyone else, she smelled exactly like him.
Like her alpha.
When the elevator came to a gentle stop at Bucky’s floor, the doors opened, and he stepped out in front of his apartment door. It opened for him, having already scanned his biometrics, revealing a small, but cozy, living room.
He set his omega down on her feet, watching anxiously as she stepped into his quarters. Did she like it? Fuck, was it too small? It was too small. She probably hated it. Fuck, fuck, fuck...he had to salvage this somehow.
“Well, uh…” shit, he sounded too nervous. He wanted her to think he was a strong, capable alpha.
He cleared his throat for another start. “Welcome home, Omega.”
Wait. That wasn’t right. Should he be calling her that? No, probably not, it sounded too possessive, too uncaring. He wished he just knew her fucking name, or something.
“I mean…Ten?”
Shit, he sounded so stupid. He wanted to impress her, not...do whatever this was.
She just laughed, though, turning and looking at him with those eyes that sparkled like starlight. “Amoretta. My name is Amoretta.”
#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes x oc#abo#omegaverse#alpha bucky#alpha bucky barnes#it's been a long long time#avengers x reader#avengers x oc
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Hii :)
Could I request a Marauders x Reader where the Marauders spent a lot of time without her and she feels like they don’t love her anymore or like they are just using her for sex.
But with a happy ending :)
Have a great day !!!
always love you || r.l x j.p x s.b ✧˖*°࿐
summary: the boys have been ignoring you for the past few days, making you wonder what you did wrong.
a/n: my first marauders imagine, IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE TURN IT UP
warnings: poly!relationship, fem!reader, pet names, little angst, mentions of sex BUT NO ACTUAL SEX, crying, lots of fluff, feeling sad??? man idk
word count: idk a lot of words. LMAO SORRY it’s 1,468
you sat at the gryffindor table with wondering eyes, trying to find where your boyfriends could be as you nibbled on a piece of toast.
they’d usually meet you at breakfast, remus being the first one up, followed by james and then some time later sirius.
but when they never came, your stomach dropped and your mood soured. this was the third time they’ve skipped out on breakfast, and you couldn’t help but think that maybe this was your fault.
the boys loved to eat, no matter how busy or stressed they were, they would always join you for a quick snack.
but not recently.
recently you’ve felt like they’ve been avoiding you.
it was a crazy and paranoid thought, but these past few days have just been proving your suspicion.
“james!” you called out, the speckled boy snapping his head towards you with wide eyes, he looked just like a dear in the headlights.
you made your way through the sea of students, pushing lightly past students to get to the boy.
“hi jamesie” you smiled once you finally got to him, your arms wrapping around his torso out of instinct.
“h-hi” he stutter out, your eyebrows knitting together at his voice change. james never stuttered, unless he was hiding something.
“what’s wrong?”
“i just, havetogo” he rushed out, your arms dropping from his waist as he spun on his heel and walked off.
now you really felt like shit. why was he so jumpy? why was he so nervous? especially around you.
you couldn’t help but think back to the last time you hung out with the boys, the three of them fucking you in a broom closet after classes.
your stomach seemed to sink, not flutter when you thought about your last interaction with them. usually you’d be flustered, a little giggly maybe, but you just felt disgusted.
did you do something wrong during that intimate moment? maybe you did something they didn’t like, or said something that turned them off.
oh my god, did you turn them off? were they no longer attracted to you? is that why james tensed up when you hugged him?
you hadn’t realized you were crying until you felt your face get wet, your hands quickly and aggressively wiping under your eyes.
you didn’t want to jump to conclusions, and decide right there and then that the boys didn’t love you anymore. but it was hard, hard to see anything other than that.
throughout the day you kept yourself busy, going to your dorm to eat and hiding in the library to do your work—not like anyone was looking for you anyways.
“i saw her go in just minutes ago!” sirius whisper shouted, the boys standing outside your door debating on what to do.
they saw you brush past them in the common room without saying a word, no kisses or hugs, no anything.
which was extremely unusual of you. you were always affectionate with them, asking them how their days were while cuddling them in bed, something the boys loved and always looked forward too.
“are you sure?” james asked, sirius thumping him up side the head with a scowl, “of course i am!”
“sirius! knock it off” remus scolded, your boys bickering back and forth with each other—only waking you from your nap.
“i’m going to go in, stay here and don’t kill each other.”
you quickly turned on your side and closed your eyes, pretending you were asleep to avoid any type of interaction.
the door creaked open slowly, making you cringe to yourself as footsteps entered the room.
“y/n? love, are you awake?” remus’s soft voice spoke, the door closing behind him as he made his way over to the bed.
“pup, i know when you’re sleeping” he said, the mattress dipping as a hand cupped the side of your face.
“i’m sleeping” you mumbled, sarcasm laced in your words as you turned to stuff your face in the pillow.
remus’s face twisted in confusion, surprised by your sudden attitude towards him. you never acted like that towards him. james? somethings if he got on your nerves but it was rare. sirius? all the time.
but you never dared to with remus. he was the more gentle and soft one of the three boys, always giving you the opportunity to explain yourself and tell him what’s going on.
“what’s the problem, pup? why the attitude?” he asked, not wanting his temper to get the best of him.
something was obviously bothering you, he needed to comfort you, not snap at you for the way you were talking to him.
“do you love me anymore?”
your voice was muffled by the pillow but remus could hear you clearly, his heart dropping as soon as those words had left your mouth.
“do i love you anymore?! of course i do, i’ve never stopped. what made you think i didn’t?”
his hand dropped to your arm, urging you to look at him. but when you did, his stomach dropped when he saw the tears clouding your glossy eyes.
“oh baby” he cooed, not wasting anytime in bringing you into a much needed hug, his warming embrace comforting you immediately, “don’t cry, darling. just tell me what’s been on that pretty little mind of yours, tell me how i can help.”
“you’ll think i’m stupid...” you mumbled, hiding your face in his chest as wet tears stained his school shirt.
“you aren’t stupid, puppy. and neither are your feelings” he assured, his large hand resting on the small of your back while the other stroked your hair, something that always calmed you.
“i just...i-i thought you fell out of love with me because you’ve been avoiding me. not intentionally i guess, but james was definitely odd with me, l-like he didn’t want to be around m-me” your voice cracked, the thought of your boys not loving you back clouding your thoughts.
remus sighed lowly after your mini rant, your heart clenching as you couldn’t help but look up at him.
“w-what?” you asked, really not wanting to know what he had to say, as you only feared for the worst.
“james wants to be around you, everyone does. but i told him to stay away” he said, your eyebrows knitting together as your mouth opened slightly, but remus had cut you off, “you know jamesie can’t keep a secret for the life of him.”
“mhm” you nodded, “b-but what secret?”
“our anniversary is coming up—me, padfoot and prongs wanted to surprise you with a nice, relaxing dinner in the astronomy tower. i just didn’t want james accidentally ruining the surprise—but, i guess i just did that, didn’t i?” remus laughed to himself, his explanation making your heart swell but break at the same time.
they were planning a dinner for you? you felt like shit, instead of letting them do their thing without question, you assumed the worst. you assumed they didn’t love you anymore and were only using you for one thing, sex.
“i’m sorry, remus” you whispered, his eyes widening as he quickly comforted you. “no, pup. you have no reason to be sorry.”
“b-but i-”
“did nothing wrong. you had every right to get upset, i should’ve taped prongs mouth shut instead of keep him away” he said, half joking as you giggled stiffly.
“so...you aren’t mad?” you asked, your boyfriend tucking a piece of lose hair behind your ear before kissing the tip of your nose.
“i could never be mad at you, pup. i love you so much.”
“i love you too, remus” you smiled, cuddling into his chest as he hugged you tightly.
“can we come in now?”
“almost forgot about those knuckle heads” remus mumbled, another giggle leaving your lips as your two boys entered the room.
“everything okay in here, pup?” james asked, a pout on his face when he noticed the tears stained into your cheeks.
“now it is” you smiled assuringly, ushering for him to join you along with sirius.
“although i think you look hot covered in tears, i don’t like you feeling unloved” sirius said, speaking up as he sat next to you, his hand column to on your back.
“i never said unloved...just-”
“hey, it was only a few days” remus cut off, the pad of his thumb running under your eye softly, “but i promise you we’ll do everything for you to feel included. even if that involves planning a date for our girl.”
“which, just by the way, i didn’t spoil this time!” james pointed out, a smile on your face as remus shoved him playfully.
“you all owe me kisses from the last three days” you said, turning around in remus’s lap so you could toss your legs over sirius’s thighs, a warm smile on his face.
“we’ll do more than that, pup. don’t you worry.”
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Foolish Games Part 2
Masterlist
A/N: Introducing new characters and some drama! Percy is still sexy as ever :'(.
Warnings: BJ
I woke up to a door slamming so hard it joined the symphony of my pounding headache. I groaned, hoisting myself over the back of the couch to investigate to intrusion. A brunette head of long sweeping hair rushed through the foyer, barreling towards the kitchen. A familiar mop of black hair hurried after.
Reyna was speaking so fast in Spanish my brain scrambled to keep up. I noted lots of curse words followed by a series of sentences too fast I was surprised she even knew what she was saying. Percy was answering in slow measured words, probably fighting a hangover of equal measure. I ducked behind the back of the couch, reaching for my phone plugged in on the coffee table.
It was noon. 2% battery and a couple messages from friends. Nothing from my ex thank gods. Five from Annabeth being nosey. I opened my uber app, squinting in the sunlight breaking through the cream curtains. I managed to get my driver secured.
A door slammed and I winced, peaking to check that they were in another room. I did not immediately spot my dress in the chaotic. I grimaced remembering the midnight swim. When I sat up I finally noticed the white tshirt I wore and the basketball shorts. And then I went rigid remembering what happened after the swim.
“Motherfucker,” I whispered.
Now I really had to get out of this house. I checked the arrival time of my driver. Three minutes away. Great. I made my way on shaky knees to the large wooden front door. My keys were still in the collection dish. I grabbed them quietly and turned the door handle a fraction of an inch before another door slammed open and Reyna came barreling back into the foyer, brown eyes landing promptly on my guilty ass. Behind her, Percy pursed his lips into a thin line and raised both of his hands to lay on top of his head. His biceps strained nicely against the thin t shirt.
“The fuck is this?” Reyna whispered.
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing,” I babbled.
“It’s just Noa, Rey. Gods,” Percy said.
“I can see that, Percy!” She snapped. I was glad her spear was not strapped across her back this morning. “Why is she sneaking out of my house in your clothes?”
“People were swimming last night. Her clothes got wet.”
“I’m sure the fuck they did.”
“Zeus, Rey! You ended it with me. Why does it even matter?”
“Because I still fucking love you! I’m sorry, okay?” She burst out crying and Percy instantly pulled her against his chest. The memory of being in those arms drove me out the door like a nest of hornets.
~~~~
“I’m just saying. You have nothing to feel sorry for,” Annabeth paused to sip her iced coffee. “Unless they get back together and then you sleep with him. But as of right now, you’re good. Trust me. Been on the Percy train. We’re still friends. You’ll get over it. Just a harmless rebound for both of you.”
I groaned, laying my chin on the cool metal table parked outside our favorite coffee shop positioned between our New York apartments. Just two Manhattan women enjoying their Sunday afternoon. The air was cooling as fall neared. I pulled my baseball cap closer to the top of my sunglasses.
“Should I call him?”
“Maybe tomorrow. Let him deal with his relationship drama. Reyna is a lot to deal with. Still nothing from fuckface?”
“Nope and that’s fine.”
“Good for you. We will hydrate you, get you a good dinner, hit the gym before work in the morning and then get back on our bad bitch mental track. Agreed?”
~~~~
“Good Monday, yogis,” I chirped from my desk at the corner of my studio.
The third class was beginning to trickle in and I was settling into my rhythm. Hot yoga was next and hopefully I would sweat out all the negativity I’d allowed lately. I was in the middle of emailing back a potential client when someone rapped at the wood of my desk. I glanced up to a blonde male who waved gently.
“Heya, sansei Noa,” he said.
“That’s karate. Can I help you?”
“Do you do trial classes?”
I hit send on my email and closed my laptop. The guy was built like a poser with the defined muscles and chiseled jaw but his voice was soft and tempered. He was clean shaven and dressed like a basic gym bro.
“Normally you have to schedule them beforehand because of class size,” I gave my standard answer.
“Right, my bad. Sorry. I was just passing by the front and it looked like the kind of place I needed right now. Can I go ahead and pick a date then?”
I was staring too long into his pale blue eyes, honed in on the polite response. A nice change from the daily demanding consumers. “You know what? Ive got space right now if you like? Have you ever done hot yoga?”
A brilliant white smile showcasing sharp canines. “My favorite.”
“Perfect. I just need a name, number and email to get you a file started.”
He leaned large hands on my desk. “It’s Luke Castellan.”
Before he could give the contact information, I cut him off. “Wait. I know you.” His tanned skin paled significantly.
“I…”
“You’re supposed to be dead!” I blurted out.
His eyes skated around the room and he leaned in closer. “That’s not supposed to be public knowledge. I assume you’re a demigod?”
“Luke, you trained me. We took fucking sculpting together. The Apollo table was right next to the Hermes one for fuck’s sake.”
He winced. I heard a murmuring from the rest of my class I was disturbing with my volume. I collected my shock finally. “Take a seat if you want. We should talk after class. I need to start.”
“Okay. Thank you. I’m sorry Noa.”
I waved him off and walked over to my yoga mat. I sat cross legged and drew in an even breath to smooth out my emotions.
It was a slow 30 minute class. Each pose and movement dragged on. Finally, I dismissed the group and nodded Luke outside. He was waiting on the bench outside of the studio I split renting with a few other instructors. I sat next to him, wiping sweat from my face with the towel slung over my pink sports bra.
“Alright, talk,” I said.
“Not much to say. I was given a second chance at my hearing. Here I am. Starting over.” A shrug of well-defined shoulders. The muscles flexed beneath his gleaming sweat. His red tank top stuck to his chest and stomach. “I wish I remembered you, truly. That time is such a blur in my life.”
“It’s ok. You were a lot older than me and to be honest I had a massive crush on you so I probably hid most of the time.”
A surprised smile slipped across his lips. “I’m assuming the betrayal helped you get over that?”
I laughed outloud, slapping his knee. “No shit! So where are you staying these days?”
“Just around the corner actually. Got a job at the local gym.”
“Yeah I bet the fuck you did.” I squeezed his forearm between both of my hands. I wanted to roll my eyes at me falling back into my school girl giddy at him. Betrayal of the gods aside. He was even more gorgeous than ever. The scar down his face gave him a dark sexy vibe. Like a bad boy even though he claimed he was rehabbing himself now.
“So how, did you feel about the class?”
“I mean, I’d like to sign up for it a couple times a week, that’s for sure. And I’d like to take you out to dinner to make up for not remembering a beauty like you.”
I almost bit my cheek biting out the response of “Yes!”
“You’ve got my number,” he said, chuckling quietly. “I’ve got to get to work.” He shouldered his gym bag and excused himself.
The bike back to my apartment was spent reliving my tween fantasies about bad boy Luke. I opened my apartment door and screeched seeing a man sitting at my kitchen counter. Percy turned to face me.
“You know you live in New York? You should really lock that.”
“It was!” I snapped.
A quick grin. “Yeah. But it was easy to break into.”
I dropped my bag onto the floor and brushed past him to get a protein shake from the fridge. “I have to shower and get prepared for my night classes.” I told him.
“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier.”
I shrugged. “I didn’t either.”
He paused, studying my face in the shitty lighting of the single bulb hanging between us over the counter. “Are we good, Noa?”
“Of course. What’s a little head between friends?”
“Okay…I can’t read you. Can you not play tough just for a minute?”
I chugged the shake and set the bottle down between us. I leaned my arms on the chilled counter, bun knocking against the light. “Honestly, Percy. I’m fine. We are good.”
“Reyna moved back in.”
“You’re engaged again?”
I drank from the empty bottle to give myself something to do. He watched me with those green eyes. He’d known me for far too long. He was nearly impossible to deceive, but I was determined today. The fact that I had dreamt of fucking him two consecutive nights was irrelevant if he was off the table. Even if his lips did look incredibly juicy tonight. Even if they had done near illicit things to me just nights ago.
“I don’t know. She said she wanted to work on things. And it’s her dad’s house, so I can’t ask her to go and I don’t want to go to my mom’s and admit defeat.”
“You know you could stay here, Perc.”
He worked his jaw silently, then rubbed his hands over his face. “Thanks. I do know. Even if we aren’t officially back together, I think we should work on it…” he trailed off.
“And not tell her about you eating me out?” I leaned closer because I was mean to both him and myself. Because I knew this top combined with this angle gave him a simple opportunity. And he took it.
His tongue slid out between his lips as his eyes flicked down, stayed, then dragged deliberately back up. “Probably not,” he agreed.
For a long moment neither of us said anything. He had more to lose now than me. We were no longer on equal playing fields. So, I left the ball in his court. “I’m going to go shower.”
I was done washing in the first ten minutes. The second ten was giving him a little wiggle room to decide. I had my hand on the faucet to cut off the water that was beginning to go cold when I heard the door creak open. I watched through the fogged glass, catching a hold of my breath. I watched as he tugged his shirt off. My stomach flipped over itself when he reached for his jeans. What had I done?
The opening door let in a rush of cool air, perking my skin to attention. My eyes raked unapologetically over his naked, aroused body. His dark hair quickly slicked against his stubble covered jaw. His eyes were no longer the sea green but murky like the deep water of the ocean.
“Hey,” he said quietly, cautiously.
“Hey,” I giggled, reaching out to touch his rough jaw. He winced, catching my hand with his. “We probably shouldn’t kiss again.”
“Sure, whatever you want, Percy. What can I do to you?”
He groaned, turning his mouth into my palm, scraping teeth against the vulnerable skin. “Touch me,” he said.
My free hand instantly planted against his chest, scraping at the muscle. His eyes fluttered closed, head tilting back to expose his throat. I slid my other hand into his thick hair, tugging it tightly between my fingers and pulling to grant myself more access to the strong column of his neck. I bit it first, backing him into the tiled wall when he shuddered. I kissed over the reddening skin and moved my hands to his flat stomach, feeling the shuddered breaths beneath my touch.
“Like this?” I asked.
His reply was unintelligible. I kissed down his chest, moving my hand lower still as I went. When my fingers brushed over the v-line of his hips, I shifted my route away from the center and to his thighs. An annoyed grunt escaped his lips. “Hush,” I scolded, getting my knees under me. The now cold water was hitting the back of my neck and flowing down my body. I placed my hands on the inside of both his thighs, trailing them upwards and upwards until he nearly contorted when I gripped him. He let out a scandalous string of curses that quickly turned to moaning silence when I took him into my mouth.
He unraveled in minutes and I let him cum all over the breasts I had teased him with earlier. I rose in front of him, my own rosy cheeks mirroring his. “Now we’re even.”
#percy jackson smut#percy jackson fanfiction#percy jackson#logan lerman smut#logan lerman fanfiction
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