#and i know its stupid but i have anxiety and nighttime is really hard for me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

anystalker707 · 3 years

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I'm here, love

Pairing: Ray x [fem] Reader Word count: 1 916 Genre: Comfort / Fluff Summary: Reader isn't handling it well when she goes with MCR for a tour for the first time, but Ray is always there for her. TW: Anxiety attack

Requested by anon

Tour has been going on for some time already, almost a month, but it actually feels like forever. All the agitation can be really immersive, turning the attempts of keeping track of time difficult, even more since we mostly follow a nighttime schedule due to the concerts. We’re almost always heading to a bar or club after the concerts, so it’s basically falling asleep at two in the morning to wake up at noon or something in the best days. Certainly not the best thing.

Today is thankfully one of the break days in which the guys don’t have any concert and we arrived to the next city earlier than usual, what means we’re lazing around for most of the time.

“…because he’s not here, duh!” Ray’s voice becomes audible as he leaves the bus, grinning as looking back at it and shaking his head after Mikey says something, though I’m not able to understand any of it. Only a small smile remains on his face whilst he approaches me, taking a seat on the ground with me. “Hello, love,” he says softly, pressing a kiss to my cheek.

“Hi.” I smile, pecking his lips, and put my phone down.

“What are you doing?” He raises an eyebrow, looking around for a moment like if trying to find what kept my attention until now.

“Nothing, really,” I say softly, leaning my head against his shoulder. “Do you want to go do something? I wanted to, but didn’t want to ask while you were busy with the others.” The thought of interrupting the four’s talk and probably attracting all that attention wasn’t exactly appealing, I’m secretly thankful he finally left the bus.

“Aw, you didn’t have to wait for all this time.” Ray’s eyebrows furrow lightly as he pecks my cheek. “And we could go look for a café or a restaurant, how does that sound? It’s almost lunchtime, after all.”

“Sounds good!” I smile, liking the opportunity of spending some time alone with Ray.

He seems just as happy as standing up and offering me a hand, which I take to help myself standing up. “So, how are you feeling? With the whole tour thing, I mean.” Ray wraps an arm around me when we start walking down the parking lot, concern laying under his apparently normal expression.

I hum, looking away for a moment. “Oh, yeah, I’m alright. I’ll let you know if I need anything, thank you.” I press a kiss to Ray’s cheek, trying to demonstrate my appreciation despite the subject making me tense up a bit.

Ray is more than aware of my problems with anxiety, already having helped me through its ups and downs, and both of us already predicted how the whole tour thing would interfere on it, mainly because it’s my first time tagging alone during one. We already had a hard time before the tour itself – I got too panicked at the whole thing since I barely knew how it would work –, hence he’s been worried and making sure of always checking on me.

Truth is that I’m not as alright as I’ve claimed to be. The tour has already reached my nerves and I can already feel this familiar buzzing under my skin, threatening to intensify, making me lose it yet again. It, however, won’t happen; I’ll not let that happen. Ray won’t even know.

We’re soon walking into a restaurant, the smell of food filling the ambient and, somehow, it feels good and bad at the same time. Not a surprise, since the anxiety usually has me either eating compulsively or not eating at all, so I think my body decided it’ll be better if I stay inside that bus for hours with an empty stomach, right?

We take a seat and place our orders – I balance my choice between something that my body won’t reject and Ray will not complain about, what seems to work.

“Y’know,” Ray breaks the silence between us, “what have you been thinking about watching us live?” He glances at me, expectant. His question doesn’t fail in making me smile since he’s probably referencing how I used to keep bugging him with questions about the tour concerts.

“Awesome, of course!” I grin, letting my eyes fall to my plate as I drag the food around for a bit. “It’s just amazing, I love it, seeing you playing is just…” I shrug, feeling my cheeks heat up whilst Ray breathes a chuckle, but I’m unable to look at him just yet. When I do glance at Ray, he’s grinning. “You know how much I like it.”

“I just wanted to check,” he says smugly – I snort, shaking my head playfully.

“Already regretting bringing me with you, tho?” I raise an eyebrow, finishing to eat and leaning back on the chair.

“Never!” Ray says indignantly, shooting me a look. “I’d have taken you with me before if I knew you wanted it that bad!” He pauses to take a sip of his drink. “Like, I missed you an awful lot and the tours tend to be fun. Though there are a few problems, but…”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed.” I press my lips together and nod as he does the same.

We sit in silence for a moment, only until Ray finishes eating and soon calls the waitress. She grins as coming closer, a block of notes in her hand and a pencil on the other. “Well, you two have ordered for…” she trails off, mumbling under her breath as scribbling a few things down on her paper before grinning and handing Ray the bill; he nods, reaching for his wallet. Meanwhile, the woman looks at me, wide eyes looking at me from up to down with that fake excitement. Okay. What’s wrong? Maybe she’d judging my clothes? Or that I’m with Ray?

I try to ignore the woman, turning to Ray. “Hey, I was thinking we could—”

“Keep the change,” Ray tells the woman as handing her the money, ignoring me. Fuck. “And do you know any convenience store or café nearby?”

The two engage into a conversation and maybe it’s the instability and stress due to the whole tour-anxiety thing or whatever, but I can feel my heart heavy due to it. My plan is to continue there, of course, leave with Ray so we can spend mor time alone with each other, a plan that I give up on as soon as feeling a sting in my chest. I just stand up and leave.

Why did Ray ignore me? What did I do wrong? He got tired or annoyed, perhaps. …Or, yet, I’m just overreacting. Hell, I know Ray wouldn’t do that to be in purpose because he is usually so loving.

A sigh escapes my lips as I glance back and I really want to come back – I would, if I wasn’t so far from there already. It’s the best to just give him some random excuse later.

Holy fuck, but, honestly, everything only went downhill from the moment I decided to tag along.

First of all, I panicked at the sole fact I was going to come with them to the tour then got extremely awkward during a whole week and half, barely talking with anyone asides from Ray – what got Mikey annoyed at some point, what I’m sure of even if everyone denies it. And then we went along with all the minor events, like me being the last one to get back to the bus, almost getting lost in the venue and simply being unable to talk to anyone asides from the band and the staff, among other inconveniences.

Everyone must be more than done with me, to be honest. And there’s still a whole other month before we can go home, I don’t think I’ll be able to go through all of this with the mess I am.

I sigh in relief at seeing the bus and am about to walk inside it when Gerard show ups out of seemingly nothing, looking around, but his attention quickly falls on me. “Oh, (y/n)— Hey, were you crying? Something happened?”

The question makes me freeze, just now noticing the tears threatening to slip from my eyes and consequently making me feel like all of my blood instantly drained to my feet. “I-I—” I stutter, unfortunately simply unable to finish the sentence, and end up just running away from there, going to an isolated spot of the parking lot to calm down. I don’t want anyone seeing me having another attack, make them even more annoyed and attract all that attention.

Air just escapes my grasp, seemingly impossible to continue in my lungs for longer than a few seconds whilst the tears simply do not stop, even if I don’t even want to be crying or anything, fuck off.

I take a seat on the grassed area, under a tree, and bring my hands up to my eyes.

Cleaning my mind is just impossible, I just keep thinking about how everyone is going to be shooting me these stupid concerned looks when I’m back to the bus and how I’m only going to continue being another source of stress to them during the rest of the tour. Ray should’ve just left me home as usual and—

“…(y/n), listen to me, (y/n)! I’m here!” Ray’s voice cuts through my thoughts and I can feel his hand around my wrist, the other one on my back. “Hey, baby, it’s okay. C’mon, breath with me,” he says softly before starting to set a breathing pace I can’t help but to stick to.

Hell, when did Ray even get here?

I’m getting better when my breath hitches in my throat at the thought I’m only annoying him and I can’t help but to let out a weak sob his time. Ray only starts to rub my back. Even if I’m crying, I do feel better than I did earlier, now slowly becoming more aware of my surroundings while all that filled my mind moments ago were these awful thoughts along with all the panic and worry.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper shakily, bringing my hands down to bury my face in the crook of his neck, trying to synch my breathing with his.

“You don’t need to be sorry, love,” Ray says softly, thumb running along the back of my neck in a weirdly soothing manner. “Don’t be ashamed of it or anything, this whole thing is really stressing. Even us had problems with it at first, so everyone understands how you must be feeling.” His voice helps me calming down, giving me something to hold onto to keep myself in reality asides from his touches.

“Thank you, then,” I reply, my voice still tight.

“It’s okay. I do it because I love you.” Ray pulls away lightly and smiles at me. His hands cup my cheeks, warm against them, whereas he wipes my tears away with his thumbs. “And I want to see you fine, okay?” He presses his lips against mine in a light kiss I’m thankful for. “Let me know about it the next time you feel like this, please.” A quiet sigh comes from him as he furrows his eyebrows at me, worry obvious there. “Are you feeling better now?” I nod. “Really?” he asks and I nod again, pecking his lips like if to prove it. “Okay…-“ he smiles, relieved, “-…how about a coffee now, hm?”

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fonulyn · 3 years

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fonulyn’s 2020 in fics

this is kind of exciting since in 2020 I did get a lot writing done, and it marks the second year in a row that I’m able to actually make one of these posts after that horrible not good at all terrible disastrous three and a half years when I wrote absolutely nothing. so it’s a triumph to get another one of these up! personal victory haha.

in total, in 2020 I wrote 148 fics, ranging from like 200 words to 34k (idk if those short things can be called fics but i just did). by pairing, there’s

13 of Joe/Nicky

58 of Piers/Leon

56 of Chris/Leon

(1 with Piers/Leon and Chris/Leon)

5 of the ot3 (Chris/Leon/Piers)

11 of Krauser/Leon

3 of Wesker/Chris (lmao still can’t believe this)

1 of Chris/Leon/Krauser

so. in retrospect, i did okay.

it’s over 300 thousand words and I am kind of. surprised. and that is not counting the approximately 50k of wips i’m ignoring :’D

I’d also like to take a second to thank everyone who has ever sent me nice messages, commented on the fics, left reblogs or kudos, and the like. you’re what kept me going, I wouldn’t have gotten even half as much done otherwise.

without further ado, links to all of the fics under the cut! they’re organized by pairing, and the links take you to tumblr posts (bc I’m lazy) and a lot of them have a link in the post that takes you to ao3. (also can you see I put ~~so much~~ effort into naming the tumblr ficlets :’D feel free to laugh at me)

Joe/Nicky

a dog by any other name | 1,5k | The one wherein they end up owning a dog.

within the heart a flame of desires | 5,0k | Nicolo watches Yusuf have sex with others, desperately wishing he was with him instead. Until things change. He much prefers having Yusuf all for himself.

the world will wait | 2,4k | The one wherein Joe takes a lot of naps and the whole team gets to relax.

catch this | 650w | Every time Joe gets distracted (by Nicky), Andy tries to take him by surprise.

nobody’s perfect | 1,9k | Even immortal warriors have their weaknesses, Nile learns. Those just aren’t what she expected.

only in these arms | 780w | Nicky has trouble sleeping alone. Andy is a decent substitute, but only when Joe returns so does Nicky’s ability to get a decent night’s rest.

(please don’t explain) that time in Malta | 580w | Nile doesn’t think at first it would even be possible for Joe to be embarrassed. By anything. Until one evening, they talk about Malta.

cool it down boys | 400w | Andy gets no sleep. She gets revenge, though.

cowboy, baby | 340w | Nicky has the fashion sense of a sack of flour, and he is fine with that.

that day is not today | 4,9k | They struggle through the whole lab-experience. It isn’t the time yet to forgive Booker.

tea, soup and tlc | 2k | The one wherein Joe is not sick. At all. Nope. He isn't.

two drinks too many | 770w | Nicky is a little drunk. Joe loves him anyway.

safe haven | 3,9k | The one wherein everyone gets quality cuddles from Joe.

Piers/Leon

it was you that I found | 23,4k | Leon doesn’t really do relationships. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because he always seems to be so bad at them. Of course entirely by accident he manages to build one without even realizing it.

unexpected visitor | 690w | Piers is forced on bed-rest. At least Leon stops by.

got me all tied up (never let me go) | 4,0k | Piers doesn’t like suits. Leon loves Piers in a suit.

not so subtle | 210w | “Soo, were you checking me out all night, or was that just my imagination?” Leon asks suddenly, Piers chokes on his drink in surprise.

nighttime fools | 4,8k | Piers and Leon get arrested for public indecency. It’s not their fault, honest.

piers isn’t sick, really, he isn’t (he is) | 670w | “Oh, hi,” Piers said immediately, a goofy smile slipping onto his face. Man, he was happy to see Leon. So happy to see him.

so you’ve met Xena | 620w | “Xena?” Leon turned to look at Piers, decidedly unimpressed. “You named your dog after the Warrior Princess?“

you’re cute, you know | 680w | Piers took the opportunity the second their gazes met. He grinned, as charmingly as he possibly managed, and said “You’re cute, you know that?“

kiss the nightmares away | 470w | Sleepily Piers blinked, trying to make his eyes work properly. He squinted at the digital clock on the bedside, and its harsh red numbers that told him it was 3:30, and confusedly he turned to frown at Leon. “Why aren’t you sleeping?“

smooth talking, Nivans, very smooth | 1,4k | Piers can not control what comes out of his mouth.

dream a little (dirty) dream of me | 1,3k | Piers wakes Leon up. That's it.

your shirt is my shirt | 950w | With a sigh Piers grabbed the only shirt available that wasn’t battery operated and obnoxious. It was Leon’s, so old that the print had faded completely, leaving only faint outlines behind. And when Piers pulled it on he grumbled again, realizing how tight it was.

here for you | 620w | Leon can’t sleep, but somehow Piers makes his anxieties bleed away.

grand plans | 260w | “Are you seriously going to wear that?”

new puppy | 430w | “Hey there little guy.” Leon bent down to pick up the little puppy, straightening again to hold it against his chest. His hands looked almost comically large as the dog was so tiny, and carefully he cradled it close.

a little bit funny | 850w | So maybe Piers hadn’t slept properly in days, and the sleep deprivation was making him a little hysterical, but he didn’t even remember when a stupid comedy would’ve made him laugh so much.

for now our time is here | 4,4k | When Chris had told them to wait up and left them alone for a while, this probably wasn’t what he’d been expecting, but the second he’d closed the door behind himself the tension that had been brewing between Leon and Piers had snapped like a cord.

wanting too much | 1,1k | “Fucking hell, never do that to me again,“ Leon huffed out, clearly relieved beyond anything.

the prettiest agent with the prettiest hair | 1,2k | Piers stress-braids. Leon doesn't mind. And besides, Piers always undoes the braids whenever he's done with them. Until one night he forgets.

you can be the air that i breathe | 1,0k | It wasn’t the first time Piers got punched in the face by a gigantic BOW so hard that the hit sent him flying. It was, however, the first time he was sent careening off a bridge and into the river below. And it was, definitely, the first time Leon saved his life.

before I found you | 890w | The second Piers realized that the spikes covering the monster actually came off, and it was able to shoot them towards its attackers, it was already too late for him to react.

you don’t need to stay | 950w | Piers did his best to take care of Leon. And as much as Leon appreciated it, he didn’t want to be a goddamn nuisance.

need me, baby, just a little stronger tonight | 2,1k | Leon really has to practice perfecting his poker face. At least he gets what he wants in the end.

be my valentine | 920w | “Are you sure?“ Piers asked for the tenth time, frowning down at the bar of Fazer blue chocolate. “I still think it’s… not a lot?”

you're the world that I wanna discover | 7,5k | The one wherein they buy a house, fall even more in love, and Leon reaches a breaking point.

call me (tell me what you feel) | 1,7k | Leon is stuck at the airport. At least he gets a nice phone call with Piers.

incentive to stay alive | 1,0k | "Hey, Nivans, wake up,” he tried, but there was no answer, and he couldn’t help but let the worry in his voice. “Piers. Don’t you dare die on me. Chris would kill me if I let anything happen to his best sniper.”

blanket hog Leon | 880w | Grumbling, Piers turned around, and as he’d expected Leon was cozily wrapped in at least four blankets, leaving nothing for Piers, who was currently freezing his ass off.

I give you all I am | 2,0k | “Leon?” Piers approached in quick steps, watching recognition flicker in Leon’s eyes as he lowered his own weapon too. Leon was slumped against the wall, hunched over and holding his side, and there was something feverish about his eyes. Yet as soon as he realized it was Piers he gave a shaky grin, even if that was all he managed.

why are the gorgeous ones always taken | 810w | Piers blinked his eyes open slowly, expression scrunched up, and it took a long moment before he managed to actually focus his gaze on Leon’s face. When he did, a smile immediately bloomed on his face, and he even tilted his head a little. “Have I died and gone to heaven?” he croaked out, his voice rough from lack of use.

still intact | 1,1k | It took a week before the level of painkillers was correct and Piers woke up with a gasp instead of a scream. And the first thing he asked was for someone to kill him.

of guns and ...guns | 270w | Leon likes the way Piers handles his rifle. There’s drool involved.

always fashionable | 540w | Apparently having a crush on the well-dressed, professional Leon translated into being absolutely fucking in love with the sleep-mussed and squinty Leon.

misplaced phones and revelations | 660w | Chris finds Piers’ phone. Which turns out to be Leon’s phone. The two turn out to be dating. Chris feels kind of blind.

yee-haw! | 1,0k | Leon rides Piers. Wearing a cowboy hat.

you’re cute when you’re angry | 620w | When he’s stressed, Piers washes the dishes. Angrily.

want to drink (with) you | 1,1k | Piers is an embarrassing drunk. Leon loves him anyway.

and each one of us is a path somewhere | 22,2k | Piers gets thrown twenty years back in time. Into Raccoon City, 1998. He’d heard about what Leon went through that night, but he never thought he’d have to actually experience it himself. Together with bright eyed rookie Leon.

hold me close | 560w | Leon falls asleep against Piers’ shoulder.

goatee man | 890w | Piers thinks growing a beard might make him look more manly.

promises kept | 2,9k | Leon finds out Piers isn't dead after all. He's just locked up in a BSAA research facility with no one allowed in to visit.

stay with me tonight (stay until the end of life) | 2,2k | Leon doesn’t know I’m contacting you, but a fair warning, because I’m worried. He was found unconscious on the bathroom floor at 10AM. They took him to the hospital, but he checked himself out. Look after him, okay?

4am | 760w | “What can I say,” Piers grinned against Leon’s neck, “I was dreaming of you.” He had no reservations about moving his hips, letting Leon feel just how nice the dream had been.

caffeinated | 550w | Someone gives Piers coffee. Leon knows what to do with that excess energy.

and i'm you and you're me | 7,0k | The one wherein Leon and Piers accidentally swap bodies.

girls’ day in bed | 780w | Piers and Leon wake up one morning with boobs and other assorted lady parts. It’s a fun day. (Spoiler alert: they have a lot of sex.)

worlds apart | 3,2k | Krauser kidnaps Piers to lure Leon to him. (feat. past Krauser/Leon)

not again | 530w | Watching Piers’ mutation brings Leon some very unfortunate flashbacks. (feat. past Krauser/Leon)

gorgeous | 300w | Piers calls Leon gorgeous.

the most comfortable pillow | 350w | Leon falls asleep with his head on Piers’ lap.

beautiful | 840w | Even after losing an arm and ruining half of his face, Piers is the most beautiful thing to Leon.

as seen in adult films | 580w | Piers doesn’t know one damn thing about dishwashers. He volunteers to fix one anyway.

never letting go | 260w | Leon is goddamn comfortable right here. He isn’t going to move a single inch.

nose kisses | 390w | Piers is cute when he’s cranky. Just ask Leon.

no other half could ever make me whole | 6,3k | The one wherein they get a scare and there's a proposal.

the luxury of being held | 690w | The fabric of Piers’ hoodie is the perfect place to hide. (feat. Theo’s amazing art)

just one step from heaven, one step from paradise | 2,7k | The one wherein Piers makes sure Leon doesn’t freeze, and they enjoy their vacation.

all is fair in war, love and Mario Kart | 600w | Piers sucks at Mario Kart.

Chris/Leon

if i never see all my dreams come true, the one that mattered the most was you | 5,9k | Chris enlists Leon’s help on a mission as a clever ruse to make the man take a break he so obviously needs.

and I don't want to know how slow the time must flow | 11,1k | Chris and Leon try to fight their way out of a castle and feelings take over.

you are my heart, you are my home | 3,2k | Chris is sick, and he’s being extra dramatic about it.

from the gates of longing | 5,5k | Chris volunteers to take Leon home, but ends up getting a lot more than he bargained for.

how to accidentally get adopted - a guide by Piers Nivans | 2,3k | Piers accidentally keeps calling Chris dad, and Chris and Leon sort of unofficially adopt him.

right here by your side | 1,9k | When Chris shows up to check up on Leon, four days into his self-imposed flu-exile, at first Leon wants to just throw him out. But then it turns into a relationship-building moment and suddenly he can’t mind all that much.

about time | 1,8k | Leon is freezing. Chris warms him up.

yet you'll lose yourself in me | 3,3k | The one wherein Chris is generously proportioned and Leon kind of loves it. (whispers: size kink)

beyond tomorrow | 1,7k | Leon ends up in the hospital after a mission, Chris hurries to see if he’s okay. Claire is already there.

look at those heart-eyes | 180w | Quickly Chris shook his head, reluctantly pulling his attention away from Leon.

there’s a cat in the sink | 220w | “There’s a cat in the sink, and we don’t own a cat.”

from the future | 300w | It’s 1998 and Leon comes face to face with himself, from 2017.

surprise redfield | 250w | “Don’t worry,“ Chris says, nonchalantly as if it’s an everyday occurrence that he’s standing in Leon’s kitchen.

need this feeling to last (there's no denying) | 2,4k | “Why don’t you fuck me yourself, you coward!“

something solid, something good | 520w | Chris was so warm, and that together with all the glorious skin-on-skin contact made Leon happily sink back into the embrace.

come closer | 520w | Leon is done with Chris being so careful around him.

your arms around me | 690w | Chris woke up cold and alone.

a needed break | 440w | Sometimes Chris got so single-mindedly stuck on a task that he forgot everything around himself.

the iron maiden | 820w | Suddenly it was hard to breathe, like he couldn’t fill his lungs with oxygen no matter how much he tried, to the point that his vision started to get blurry.

robin hood: chris in tights | 480w | Chris’ face was twisted into a theatrical grimace as he tugged a little on the green tights we was wearing. They were like painted on and although he didn’t really have body issues in general, he couldn’t help but feel self-conscious about it.

luckless romance | 4,0k | Leon and Chris turn a drunken argument into something better. (Please note: The link takes you to the last part of six.)

take my hand | 920w | The worst part, by far, is not seeing anything. There are sounds, people talking like he isn’t even in the room, machines beeping and doors opening, quick busy steps against the floor.

let me take you to the edge of the stars and back again | 3,0k | Chris takes his sweet, sweet time before he gives Leon what he wants.

I’m going to seduce you | 1,1k | Jesus Christ, they’d had sex. Leon groaned again, this time less because of the headache and more because he felt so unbearably dumb. He’d probably had the best sex of his life, and he couldn’t remember it.

a little help | 430w | Those fucking idiots, Claire thought for the millionth time, as she watched her brother give the biggest dumbest heart eyes at Leon, who was blissfully oblivious about everything going on around him.

the way to anyone’s heart (the answer is food, good food) | 2,4k | Chris asks Leon to teach him how to cook. (Spoiler: Leon doesn't know how.)

oh the horror | 270w | “I seriously don’t understand why you want to watch this shit,” Leon groaned, pressing his face into Chris’ chest.

jealousy | 670w | Chris swallowed hard, downed the last of his beer, and took the leap. “I’m jealous okay.”

twist me up | 510w | Sure Chris had always known that Leon was flexible. Sure he had seen him even do these weird-ass yoga poses more than once. There was nothing new to it.

meet the parents | 600w | Leon brings Chris home for Christmas.

precious cargo | 930w | Chris lugs Leon around like luggage.

it's always been you | 870w | The hardest thing for Leon was when someone he cared about was in danger but there was nothing he could do about it. And then Chris fell into a ravine.

come away with me (to another world) | 2,0k | Leon finally gets a vacation.

first time sucker | 930w | “I don’t know, because it’s fun?” Leon said. “I promise you, you’re missing out.”

read my scars | 1,9k | Chris learns about Leon's scars.

battered and bruised | 650w | Ignoring the bruises and scrapes he had, Chris turned around and sprinted towards Leon, gritting his teeth against the strain moving put on his side.

a different kind of proposal | 500w | “If you keep fucking me this good,“ he breathed out, unsure if Chris even heard the words, “I’ll have to marry you.“

welcome home | 370w | The door had barely fallen shut behind Chris when Leon was in his personal space, grabbing him by the lapels of the trench coat he was wearing so he could pull him in close for a kiss.

I’d always choose you | 280w | Ada was something they didn’t talk about. When someone, anyone, brought her up Leon clammed up and changed the subject. And Chris had tried to be understanding, had tried to be patient, had tried his very best to respect Leon’s boundaries with this. But Chris was only human.

fuck or die | 1,7k | Chris gets hit by a weird plant, and his hard-on just will not go down. Until Leon takes matters into his hands.

i need a hug | 470w | “I think,“ Leon sighed, but then it was like all fight bled from him and he slumped a little forward. “I need a hug.“

oh no there’s only one bed | 990w | “Don’t be ridiculous. It’s just one night. I’m sure you’ve slept with worse persons than me.”

the butt that became a pillow | 420w | Chris falls asleep on Leon.

like father like son | 2,8k | Leon finds out he has a son.

monster magnet | 1,1k | Leon didn’t know when it had become something he recognized so easily. When had it become so normal for mutated creatures to look at him with such unadulterated lust.

please be okay | 620w | Leon faints from sheer exhaustion.

like father like... grandson? | 4,1k | Liam proposes to a girl but ends up with Piers anyway. Chris and Leon are the friendly neighborhood grandpas. Their grandson is adorable, and Leon thinks he takes after him. Obviously. (feat. Piers/OMC)

black lace | 790w | Chris gets to come home to Leon in thigh high black lacy stockings and matching lingerie, instantly sending Chris’ brains into an overdrive.

at least let me help | 790w | Leon opens the door an inch, Chris uses the given opportunity to slam it wide open. Metaphorically speaking.

bridal style | 200w | Leon refuses the medical check up. So Chris carries him.

dance with me | 1,0k | Wedding planning with two schmoopy idiots in love.

drunken cravings | 480w | Chris and Leon are drunk, hungry, and incapable of cooking.

blow me | 650w | Chris gets his brains sucked out through his dick.

Claire knows best | 610w | Chris tries to set Leon up with Claire. Then Claire does set Leon up with Chris.

chase the demons away | 940w | Chris struggles with nightmares, Leon is there to hold him through them.

dance me to the end of love | 550w | Leon struggles to learn to dance.

Piers/Leon, Chris/Leon

fate changed (we keep loving as if the story isn't over yet) | 34,3k | In hindsight, Leon knew the second he opened the door and saw Chris standing there, dressed in his service uniform, mouth pinched to a grim line and unable to meet Leon’s gaze straight. There was only one logical reason for it, only one way to explain why he was standing there like he would rather be anywhere else, and Leon almost slammed the door right in his face. -- Or the one wherein no one really knows how to handle their grief, but somehow life goes on anyway. (I’m still so proud of this one negl)

Chris/Leon/Krauser

hearts beating fast (let's make this moment last) | 5,7k | Chris gets invited in for a threesome. The clever thing would’ve been to refuse, knowing his unrequited, helpless feelings. But then again, he’s just a man.

OT3

double the fun | 3,1k | Truthfully, Leon hadn’t thought his day could get this much better. Everything had gone wrong from the second he’d woken up and he’d already written the day off entirely, until the moment Chris had looked him dead in the eye and asked “How do you feel about two at once?”

of cuddles and blanket forts | 620w | Piers and Leon build a blanket fort. Chris would think they’re idiots, but they might actually be kind of brilliant.

hair straightener or waffle iron? | 310w | Chris and Piers break Leon’s hair straightener.

the last piece of the puzzle | 2,7k | The one wherein two becomes three.

not alone | 2,3k | Completely on accident, Piers and Chris happen to be there to save Leon from a tight spot. Cuddles ensue.

Krauser/Leon

drive me crazy (your eyes made me crave for this) | 2,3k | It was the best sex Krauser had ever had in his life. That’s why he kept coming back to Leon, kept saying ‘yes’ every single time the man as much as hinted that he might be up for meeting. He was getting off, and he was enjoying every second of it, and that was the extent of it. There certainly weren’t any feelings involved. None. None at all.

enjoying the view | 200w | Krauser likes ass-watching.

carry me to bed | 440w | Slowly Leon was coming back to his senses. Sweat was cooling on his skin, the hard surface of the table underneath him starting to feel uncomfortable.

and I lied that we would be fine | 1,1k | Leon knows he isn’t supposed to be doing this. There’s a vague recollection of something more important, something he should be focusing on, but the vast majority of his world has narrowed down onto the slick slide of their bodies, on the cheap scratchy sheets on his skin, on the sound of Krauser’s voice in his ear, and he can’t bring himself to care.

yet never enough | 1,9k | Krauser likes mirrors.

of wanting | 400w | Leon’s laughter echoed in the room as Krauser pinned him against the wall, before shutting him up with a ravenous kiss.

better with you | 590w | Despite knowing Krauser had his back, Leon was genuinely surprised when the man sat down right next to him instead of telling him to suck it up and get moving.

breakfast | 530w | Lately things had slowly begun to shift. And Leon wasn’t sure yet what was going on. Or how he felt about it.

kill me now | 900w | It was more than clear how much Krauser enjoyed their frantic attempts to kill one another, and Leon’s traitorous body shivered in response, the memory of times long gone returning like no time had passed at all.

lust that I've already spilled | 1,4k | “C’mon, Leon,” Krauser taunted, grinning as widened his stance. “This cock isn’t gonna suck itself.”

will you just look at me | 650w | Krauser refuses to do feelings.

Wesker/Chris

I am the light that shall lead you to darkness | 1,8k | In all honesty, Chris wasn’t entirely sure how he’d ended up here: a panting mess, bent over a massive wooden table with Wesker holding him down laughably easily.

the light to drown in darkness | 2,0k | Wesker craves Chris. So Wesker takes Chris.

love-hate-(obsession?) | 470w | Wesker is a lovesick fool. If he wasn’t also a homicidal maniac, Jill would almost feel sorry for him.

#the old guard #resident evil #kaysanova #chreon #metaltango #nivannedy #chrisker #kreon #idk what i'm forgetting it's 2 am and i've spent seven hours on this #have pity on me :'D #my fics #2020 #this was so much work #i am praying for the links to work properly #so i don't need to touch this again nnhhh

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watching-pictures-move · 3 years

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Movie Review | Mulholland Drive (Lynch, 2001)

This review contains spoilers.

David Lynch's Mulholland Drive was released in recent years by the Criterion Collection, that great home video company that's probably the OG of boutique labels, known for putting out acclaimed, significant or otherwise interesting films in really nice packages. (For some reason I had been thinking they put this out only last year until I actually looked it up. I guess my sense of time has been a little warped as of late, and as much as I'd like to tie this review into pandemic-era life, the fact is other labels have captured my attention lately, as can be evidenced by my embarrassingly large and extremely shameful Vinegar Syndrome haul from their Halfway to Black Friday sale from a few months ago.) Now, nobody in 2021 is going into this movie truly blind, but if I happened to pick up the Criterion cover and perused the back, aside from the list of special features and disc specs, you'd see the below (which I grabbed off their website):

Blonde Betty Elms (Naomi Watts) has only just arrived in Hollywood to become a movie star when she meets an enigmatic brunette with amnesia (Laura Harring). Meanwhile, as the two set off to solve the second woman’s identity, filmmaker Adam Kesher (Justin Theroux) runs into ominous trouble while casting his latest project. David Lynch’s seductive and scary vision of Los Angeles’s dream factory is one of the true masterpieces of the new millennium, a tale of love, jealousy, and revenge like no other.

Now, this is a tough movie to evoke with only a blurb, but I'd say that does a pretty respectable job. I however do not own this release. What I do own is the barebones Universal DVD that was released a few months after the movie, back when going into the movie blind would have been far more likely. This is the description on the back:

This sexy thriller has been acclaimed as one of the year's best films. Two beautiful women are caught up in a lethally twisted mystery - and ensnared in an equally dangerous web of erotic passion. "There's nothing like this baby anywhere! This sinful pleasure is a fresh triumph for Lynch, and one of the best films of the year. Visionary daring, swooning eroticism and colors that pop like a whore's lip gloss!" says Rolling Stone's Peter Travers. "See it… then see it again!" (Time Out New York)

Now, the previous description probably couldn't fully capture the movie's essence, but this one makes it sound like an erotic thriller. (Could you imagine somebody going into this thinking this was like a Gregory Dark joint? I say this having seen none of his thrillers and only his hardcore movies, although I must admit an MTV-influenced Mulholland Drive starring, say, Lois Ayres is something I find extremely intriguing.) But you know what? Good for them. Among other things, this movie, with its two all-timer sex scenes, feels like one of the last hurrahs from an era when mainstream American movies could be unabashedly horny, before we were sentenced to an endless barrage of immaculately muscular bodies in spandex (stupid sexy Flanders) somehow drained of all sex appeal (god forbid somebody pop a boner...or ladyboner, let's be egalitarian here). I apologize if I'm coming off as a little gross, but having been able to barely leave the house for practically a year and a half, watching sexy movies like this is one of the few remaining thrills at my disposal. Please, this is all I have.

Now I suppose I should say something about the movie itself, but it might be a challenge given how elusive it is in certain respects (Lynch is notoriously cagey about offering interpretations of his movies) and, as a result, how heavily it's been scrutinized over the years. No doubt any analysis I offer as to the movie's overarching meaning will come off extremely dumbassed. What I will note however, is that for whatever reason, the scene I remembered most vividly is where Justin Theroux walks in on his wife with Billy Ray Cyrus, particularly the candy pink paint he dumps on her jewellery as revenge. We've been following Theroux, a movie director, as he's been having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, having had control over casting his lead actress taken from him, which he proceeds to process by taking a golf club to a windshield of his producers' car and then reacting as above when he finds his wife with the singer of "Achy Breaky Heart".

With his Dune having been notoriously tampered with by producers, I suspect there's a bit of Lynch's own experience in the scene with the producers, which plays like an entirely arbitrary set of rituals deciding the fate of his movie with no regard for his opinion or even basic logic. While I don't know how particular Dino DeLaurentiis was about his espresso, I did laugh. Now, taking the reading that the first two acts of the movie are a fantasy of Naomi Watts' character, who is revealed to be miserable and ridden with jealousy in the third act, the amount of time we spend with Theroux is maybe hard to justify. Is this perhaps her "revenge" on him, his romantic and professional success having been flushed away while he flounders in search of greater meaning to his arc? Aside from possible autobiographical interest, these scenes do play like a riff on the idea that everyone is the main character in their own story, and if the Watts and Laura Harring characters can be thought of as having merged or swap identities, then perhaps Theroux's arc is the remainder of that quotient. (Now, it's worth noting that aside from being insecure and arrogant, Theroux in this movie is a less stylish than the real Lynch. If Watts conjures the best version of herself in her dream, Lynch maybe doesn't want his dream avatar outshining him.)

Now why did the Cyrus scene stick with me all these years when other details had slipped? Mostly because I'd found it amusing, partly because of the extra specific image Lynch produces, and somewhat because of the casting of Billy Ray Cyrus. Now, I don't have any special relationship to the Cyrus' body of work, but Lynch's casting of him, with his distinct mix of bozo, dudebro and hunk, results in a very specific comedic effect. This is something Lynch does elsewhere in the movie, like when he has Robert Forster show up as a detective for a single scene. The Forster role is likely in part a leftover from the movie's origins as a TV pilot, but the effect is similar (albeit less comedic). Melissa George appears as a woman who may or may not be a replacement for Watts in some realm of reality. Other directors obviously cast actors for their screen presence and the audience's relationship to their career, but the way Lynch does it feels particularly pointed, as if he's reshaping them entirely into iconography. The effect is particularly sinister with the presence of Michael J. Anderson, with whom he worked previously on Twin Peaks, and Monty Montgomery as a mysterious cowboy who dangles the secret of the movie over Theroux's character.

Cowboys in movies are frequently heroic presences (see any number of westerns) and are otherwise innocuously stylish (I confess I've come dangerously close to ordering a Stetson hat and a pair of cowboy boots), but the presence of one here feels like a ripple in the movie's reality. A dreamy, brightly lit mystery set in Los Angeles should have no place for a cowboy. It ain't right. (It's worth noting that Lynch at one point copped to admiring Ronald Reagan for reminding him of a cowboy. Is this his expression of a changed opinion? I have no idea, but Lynch has never struck me as all that politically minded.) Neither is the hobo that appears behind the diner. Certainly hobos have made their homes behind diners, but this one's presence and the way Lynch produces him feel again like a ripple in the the movie's narrative. Jump scares are frequently knocked for being lazy and cheap devices to generate shocks, but the one here gets under your skin.

Now about the movie's look. This starts off like a noir, and the mystery plot on paper would lead you to think that's how the whole movie plays, but the cinematography is a lot brighter, with almost confection-like colours, than that would lead you to believe, at least during the daytime scenes. This is another element that likely comes from its TV origins, but it does give the movie a distinctly dreamlike, fantastical quality that a more overtly cinematic look, like the one Lynch used in Lost Highway a few years earlier, might not capture. This is one of the reasons I think this movie works better than that one, and there's also the fact that the amateur sleuthing that drives the bulk of the plot here serves as a more pleasing audience vantage point than the male anxieties that fuel the other film. I also would much rather hang out with Naomi Watts and Laura Harring than a charisma void like Balthazar Getty.

The manufactured warmth of the daytime scenes also results, like in Blue Velvet, in the nighttime scenes feeling like they're in a completely different setting, one which perhaps offers the key to unlocking the mystery, or at least revealing the phoniness of the movie's surfaces. I think of the evocative Club Silencio sequence, which comes as close as anything in the movie to laying its illusions bare. ("No hay banda.") But at times Lynch will throw in disarmingly childlike, inexplicable imagery, like the dancing couples against a purple screen in the opening, something that would seem tacky and amateurish elsewhere but feels oddly cohesive here. There are a number of directors whose work I admire for being "dreamlike", and putting them side by side they all feel quite distinct (you would never mistake a Lucio Fulci film for a Lynch), but they have the unifying idea of imbuing the tactile qualities of film with the truly irrational to really burrow into your subconscious. Other directors have made movies with some of the same elements as Mulholland Drive, but none have put them together in quite the same way.

#film #movie review #mulholland drive #david lynch

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mcrmadness · 3 years

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I’m just wondering about ADHD again and how the doctors here say that there’s no need for testing me for ADHD because I had “no signs of ADHD in my childhood”. Well, I was born in 1991. The whole terminology and the knowledge over ADHD was different back then.

I was talking about this with my mom a couple of days ago and she said that I had troubles with homework - not that I would have not understood them, I just had such a hard time focusing on them. She said that she constantly had to remind me that I need to focus on the homework and not draw doodles or do other stuff. She sais she asked even from the school how deal with a child who cannot focus on their homework and from school they just said “Make sure the table is completely empty so there is no distractions.” but my mom told them “Do you really think that helps? All they need is a piece or paper and a pencil.” and those were the tools I had - my school books and pencil. I didn’t need distractions on the table in order to get distracted from homework.

She then also said that back then no one even talked about ADHD. It was still known as MBD aka Minimal Brain Dysfunction Syndrome and since I was not “stupid” and definitely did not show signs of learning/developmental disabilities - in fact I was learning faster than other kids - there was no need to worry about this syndrome. (Nowadays it’s apparently removed from the Finnish list but can still be used as an umbrella term for things like ADHD etc.)

I was trying to google this term now, to understand when was the term replaced by “ADHD”. I only found that this was done in the US already in the late 80s but I could not find anything about Finland, but I know for sure that what comes to things like mental disorders and neurodiversity, Finland has always been running late when compared to e.g. the US... I could only find some sort of Finnish ontology and thesaurus website and it says that the article about MBD was created in 1986, but the article about ADHD only in 2000. That would mean I was 9 years old (and my social anxiety and selective mutism were starting to really grow), and ADHD was still considered very much the “disorder of hyperactive boys”. This website does not even know the term ADD so I have no clue when did they start using it for the first time (in Finland). I just know that my sister got the diagnose along with an Asperger’s Syndrome somewhere in the mid 2000s. Now I’m starting to feel like I want to go find some old books about psychiatry just to see when did they start talking about ADHD and ADD in Finland and how did they describe it as BEFORE they discovered it exists also in girls (and since I’m afab, I most likely have the inattentive version), because this is just driving me so crazy.

I just... I don’t know. I just feel stupid because why is it me who needs to read about the history of psychiatry? Shouldn’t it be the psychiatrists doing so? But I do wonder what would he say if I went to him and really said that “no wonder they never suspected AD(H)D in me as a child when the term literally did not exists in Finland yet”. I just feel like I need to start writing down something like a book about my experiences. Collect EVERYTHING I can find that I have written over the past 15 years in the internet and copypaste them into a file and print this out to him. My brain just empties itself when I’m supposed to talk to a doctor but then I just face these things in everydaylife 24/7. And he just wants to give me antidepressants for anxiety. Okay, he did offer me occupational therapy too but I am afraid that it will just... kill my creativity again. I mean, look at my “timetable” for one week if we think I’d have a random person visit me once a week, let’s say e.g. on Tuesdays:

Monday: Nothing - the resting day after weekend aka no way I’m gonna get anything done. Know that there will be occupational therapy next day - don’t get anything done because mentally trying to prepare yourself for that. Tuesday: Hypothetical occupational therapy. Not possible to get anything done beforehand. Afterwards you’re so tired and the day is done so just sit around the flat and feel like going crazy from bored but be unable to do anything because TIRED. Wednesday: Nothing - the resting day after the therapy. The next day is a grocery store day. Start mentally preparing for that. Can’t do shit because of that. Thursday: Grocery store day. Can’t do shit before or after. Before because can’t start anything in case unable to stop in time - and when having to force a hyperfocus to stop when it’s not stopped on its own, it makes me so irritable and absent minded because can’t think of anything else but that one thing I was hyperfocusing on. Friday: Nothing - rest day after grocery store day. Mentally prepare for the weekend on which I usually always visit my parents on both days. They live in the same city, just less than 2km away but I still can’t start anything before that really, and I come back home so late I won’t be able to do much. Weekend: Visit parents on both days.

And then repeat. So when am I gonna draw? Edit videos? Write? I always do the creative things at night because PEACE and because my brain just works better at nighttime - ALWAYS has. I even found a diary entry I had written when I was 13 or 14 and I had been fighting with my parents because I always did my homework so late and my dad didn’t understand that, and I was then screaming in my diary that they just don’t understand that I am not ABLE to do my homework earlier than in the evening/at night, it’s just not possible to do them right after school.

Already now as I have about 3-4 free days in a week, sometimes even 5, I feel like I need more free time from my free time. I’m constantly thinking about how I want to do this and that, like I want to draw, write, edit videos, write... they are on the top of my mind 24/7 but still it takes weeks or months to get anything started. I just wrote about this yesterday that I feel like I have two moods: either too little time AND energy or too much time but a plenty of energy. There’s no in between. Now I am lucky to have too much time for myself but it also means I have all the time in my hands so I can always procrastinate and do everything the next day because I have time. Which means I won’t do shit, because I have no deadlines, and I start doing those things only when everything lines up perfectly. It’s never a decision to take my sketchbook and start drawing. It’s more of an impulse - I just feel like now it’s the day for drawing and suddenly find myself holding the papers and pencils in my hand.

Same happens with chores, chores just never make me feel good unlike doing one of these fun things. Oh and chores are also something that will make it hard to do the fun things because I kinda... don’t let myself start doing the fun things if I have the not-so-fun things undone. Which means again procrastinating and postponing something like dishes for days. I am not sure where have I got this mentality. Because like... wouldn’t it be a lot smarter to let myself to draw instead when I KNOW I can’t start doing the dishes, instead of punishing myself with “no washing dishes, so no drawing either”? Because as a punishment it does nothing. It does not motivate me with the dishes. They will be there for days or weeks anyway and they will be done only when I get that impulse to finally do them. Or, usually it’s not an impulse even. It’s just me needing food and in order to get food, I need to cook and in order to cook, I need clean pots and pans and in order to get those, well, I need to do the dishes.

I think this mentality partially comes from my school time. I aways knew how to prioritise my homework so that I get them done the most efficiently I could. Which meant that I always made the less-interesting homework first and the homework from subjects I liked, the last. I did this because when I started with the stuff I had harder time focusing on, it made it easier to focus on the interesting stuff. If I had started with the interesting stuff, I’d have had a lot less concentration and energy left for the less interesting homework and the chances of understanding a word of what I read would have been very minimal.

I still pretty much use this with everything I do - work first, fun later. I guess for neurotypicals this is not a big deal and probably something they all do, but my brain really wants to do the fun first and the work never. (By work for myself I mean things like chores etc. When I was actually working, it actually went: work first, fun never - because I was so tired after work I could not do anything that involved brains.) If I start with the fun, I literally will never do the work part. So I have to have the work first, even when it means I will procrastinate with EVERYTHING else too. But that is the only way to get it done at least at some point. It’s just that I feel like my life is nothing but work. I always have to shower, do the dishes, clean the kitchen table or start cooking. (Let alone the rest of the stuff like cleaning the HOME.) It’s a neverending worksite. I barely have time for fun because I don’t let myself to do that because the work is not done yet. But it just... never ends.

I think the reason why I hate chores is because no matter how many times I do them, I still always have to do them again soon. I shower, but I need to shower again in a few days. So it feels like it’s a waste of energy and time! Why to shower now when I have to do that after a couple of days anyway??? I do the dishes but there they will be again in a few days as I keep eating from them! Washing a plate after every use is also not an option - then “it’s just one plate” so it’s easy to put it in the sink because it’s not a big deal to wash it with other plates after a couple of days. Until it’s been 2 weeks and there’s again the rest of my plates in there and I hate my life again because I never remember how much washing the dishes also makes my back hurt but I need clean utensils because food.

But when I create something or play a video game, there is always a finish line and once you get past that, you don’t need to start over UNLESS you want to! When I draw something and it’s finished, it will stay like that! It’s not going anywhere, it won’t fade, I don’t need to draw it ever again if I don’t want to! So it’s not waste of my time, it’s something that will last almost forever. And I love the dopamine rush I get when I look at a finished product, but I don’t have the dopamine rush when I look at my cabinet with clean plates because I know they won’t stay like that forever. They won’t stay like that even for a few days. And that literally kills my motivation with every chore I need to do.

#mcrmadness' deep thoughts #adhd #adhd inattentive #long post

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writemywaytoyourheart · 4 years

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Onsra- Chapter 16: The Hunted

Pairing: vampire!jungkook x female reader

Genre: horror, angst, drama, romance

Word count: 2k

Warnings for this chapter: nothing~

Tag list: @jjungkook99 @ditttiii

Onsra: ML, Previous

Enjoy :)

All you can focus on is not letting your legs give out underneath you as you charge for the trees; blocking out the sound of someone shouting for you to come back. You're not going back anywhere without Ga-In and Yuri.

When you're a little way into the forest you look around blindly, the voices having faded away by now. "Ga-In?? Yuri??" You scream into the night, praying that someone will answer you. Then, you hear a voice call out your name, but your heart sinks in your chest when you turn and see who it is clambering through the branches.

"Y/n, what the hell are you doing?" Jungkook hisses at you through clenched teeth when he sees you crouched on the forest floor, trying to catch your breath.

"I heard Ga-In and Yuri! I think someone took them." You cry breathlessly when you feel Jungkook come up beside you. Jungkook sighs heavily and grabs your arm, roughly yanking you to a standing position. Your mind is in a flurry, trying to decide which way to run to find them. You push out of Jungkook's grasp and take off further into the woods, ignoring Jungkook's string of curses as he follows you.

"Ga-In! Yuri!" You scream again, then you hear a twig snap somewhere to your right. A dead silence follows, and suddenly you feel like something isn't right...

You look around, then go to whisper shout their names one more time, when a hand clamps down over your mouth.

"Ga-In! Yu-mmmf!"

You reach up to claw at whoever has their hands on you, but you're not nearly strong enough to resist them when they wrap their arms around your torso. The cold hand is still pressed tightly to your mouth as you struggle to break free from their grasp. Your captor easily wrenches you into the air and carries you into the undergrowth, where a huge patch of leaves and bramble are your cushion when they throw you onto the ground. You try to scramble away but you get yanked back and your mouth is covered once again. Then, you feel warm breath on your neck when they whisper harshly into your ear.

"Stop moving unless you want to end up dead."

Jungkook?

You freeze at his words, your breath going in and out of your nose slowly. You're trying desperately to calm yourself down.

"Nobody took them."

What?

You make a confused sound against his palm and feel his breath against your ear once more, "I said nobody took your friends. It was a trick, and one you fell for so easily. Stupid." He sounds out of breath as he whispers so lowly you can barely hear him. "Don't make another sound."

You steady your breathing as much as you can and then give him a small nod. Jungkook slowly removes his hand from your mouth and you take another deep breath as quietly as you can. You turn to see Jungkook's face extremely close to yours, so you scoot a little to the side, giving him a questioning look as he just glares at you, slowly shaking his head side to side. That's when you hear another twig snap somewhere off to your right.

Oh.

It's nighttime, isn't it?

Dread flows through you and your heart stops in your chest. It was a trick? What kind of trick? Why? Then you remember Hoseok's words, 'It's a diversion! Nobody leave! Stay close to the house!'...You mentally facepalm yourself for behaving so rashly.

So that means.

Jungkook leans over and whispers into your ear so quietly you almost miss what he says, but you catch it, "You're being hunted." Goosebumps break out on your skin as he moves back, putting a finger up to his lips.

The two of you sit there in dead silence, hardly daring to breath. A few times you hear branches snap and footsteps running past your hiding spot, but no one ever finds you. After a good half hour of sitting quietly, Jungkook looks over and sees you curled in a ball, your hands over your ears and your eyes pinched shut.

A hand touching your shoulder makes you jerk your head up in fear, but it’s only Jungkook. He just stares at you blankly while you look around the quiet forest, the only light is coming from the moon as it seeps through the branches of the trees. You look over at Jungkook again and see him staring out of the bushes at the open forest, his eyes unblinking as the moon illuminates his pale skin. You’re not sure how long the two of you sit there, but eventually your feet start to tingle. You’ve been sitting curled up with your feet under you for so long that they went numb a little while ago, apparently they’re waking up again.

The vampire next to you looks almost bored as he stares out into the dark forest. Then it’s like he snaps out of some trance when he suddenly looks at you. You wonder if he forgot you were there for a minute.

“Ok, let’s get out of here.” Jungkook stands up and you stumble over your tingling feet trying to follow suit.

“Are you sure it’s safe?”

Jungkook whirls on you angrily at your quiet inquiry.

“Does it matter? You don’t seem to give a damn about safe. You’re constantly getting into stupid situations because you don’t think! So tell me y/n, do you really fucking care if it’s safe? Why don’t you go run off and try to be the hero again and let me know how that works out for you.” You bite your tongue before you lash out at him, you know he’s being an ass just to be one. You’d rather not start crying right now though, so you swallow the lump in your throat and stare at the trunk of a tree, trying to memorize the pattern of bark while you blink back the angry tears.

Jungkook just laughs in disbelief and starts to walk. Following him reluctantly, you wipe at your eyes to make sure there’s no trace of how he made you feel. It’s only a matter of time before you hear his footsteps cease. You bring your head up to see why he stopped but run into his hard back before you can catch yourself. Stumbling back a bit, you catch yourself, then your whole body tenses at the sound of something rustling behind you.

“Run, go go go.” Jungkook shoves you in front of him and you blindly take off. You’re not sure where you’re going, but as long as it’s away from whatever is lurking in the bushes behind you, it’s good with you. You stumble over the branches and logs; your arms stretched out in front of you in case a tree decides to pop out of nowhere and clock you. You can hear Jungkook jogging behind you, when a sudden burst of anxiety makes your legs pump faster. Jungkook’s heavy breathing makes your heart leap to your throat when you realize he’s speeding up too. Now you’re in full on sprint mode as you pray that you don’t trip, don’t trip, don’t trip.

Your lungs are starting to constrict as you feel an asthma attack coming on, you push through it. Your legs are aching now, but the sound of something behind Jungkook crashing through the trees gives you a newfound will to keep running as fast as you can. The panic in your body right now could make you freeze up and collapse on the ground, and you’re contemplating on just curling into a ball and giving up at this point. Nature makes that decision for you though, because in the next second, your foot catches on a log and you crash to the ground in a terrified heap. A horrible stabbing pain flares from your ankle up through your leg and it’s all you can do to not scream. You reach down to touch your ankle and pull your hand away when you feel something wet and warm.

What am I supposed to do now? Oh, just let them take me. You think miserably before Jungkook almost trips over you as he comes barreling through the forest, but he stops himself just in time. The ebony haired vampire looks at you, then behind him, then back at you before it seems like he comes to a decision.

Jungkook sighs in irritation at the lump of pathetic pain you are, then he easily picks you up and quite literally tosses you a couple feet into another bunch of bushes before you can even comprehend anything. You land on the ground hard and hiss in pain, then quickly clamp your hand over your mouth when you see something approach Jungkook in the darkness. A couple somethings, actually.

“Well, lookie what we found here.”

A mocking voice comes from one of the two figures as they stand only about five feet from where you lay in cover. You hear Jungkook chuckle darkly and see him cross his arms over his chest.

“What do you want?”

“Aww, is the little boy lost? Wander too far from mommy?” A second voice pipes up and the two silhouettes start moving around as they laugh. After they get no reaction from Jungkook, they straighten up and the first voice clears its throat, “We almost caught some dinner. Unfortunately, it seems to have gotten away from us. Have you happened to see anything?” You see Jungkook shift a little before he responds cockily, “If I had, you think I’d tell you?”

One of the figures steps towards Jungkook, but he doesn’t budge an inch.

“You think you’re brave, kid? Just be glad I’m in a good mood or you wouldn’t be able to open that sassy little trap of yours ever again.” You hear Jungkook scoff and he’s about to snap back when the second vampire hushes everyone.

“Do you smell that?”

What.

No.

He cannot smell you right now.

What the hell are they? Dogs? Since when could vampires sniff out their prey? You cover the gash on your ankle as best you can while still trying to hold your breath.

“What is it? What do you smell?”

“Blood.”

Please no.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I am. Shut up.”

You peer through the bushes and see one of the figures has crouched closer to the ground and is sniffing, moving his head up and down almost like a dog looking for a treat. Your stomach twists into a knot of anxiety as you keep one hand clamped over your mouth, the other gripping your ankle like a vice.

Then something snaps somewhere to the right and the three vampires’ heads shoot up at the sound. You can almost hear the smirk in his voice when the first vampire whispers, “Gotcha.”

Eyes clenched shut and both your hands squeezing your mouth and ankle, you almost scream when you feel a hand grab your shoulder and yank you to your feet. But, once you look up, the fear fades away and is replaced by something you don’t understand when you see Jungkook’s red orbs staring back into your eyes.

"They're gone. Let's go."

The second he roughly lets go of you and you grunt in pain at the soreness in your ankle, you realize the feeling in your stomach.

Shame.

You hate that he makes you feel like this.

Your cheeks turn hot at the glare he sends your way before he’s stalking back through the bushes. It’s not like you care what he thinks of you, but you realize that the two of you never would have been in this situation if you hadn’t acted out so rashly. You just wish he wouldn’t act like you were a useless idiot.

“Are you coming or did you plan on spending the night here?” Jungkook grumbles ahead of you as he makes his way through the brush.

“My ankle…”

“Your ankle, what?”

“It hurts, I don’t know if I can-“

“Too bad. Get moving now unless you want to be killed and eaten for a midnight snack.”

Your eyes sting with tears that threaten to spill at the tone of his voice. You start to limp after him, wincing as quietly as you can. The blood on your ankle still feels a bit wet as it brushes against leaves and brambles in your path.

It’s so quiet in this forest apart from the sounds of your hushed footsteps that you can’t get rid of the pit in your stomach, wishing you had someone to talk to.

Even talking to Jungkook right now would make you feel better, his rude remarks aside. At least it wouldn’t sound like not a living soul but you was left on this earth. You clear your throat and whisper cautiously.

“J-Jungkook?”

Immediately, a growl leaves his throat and you bite your lips; stopping yourself from continuing. Instead, you start to fiddle with your fingers anxiously; tapping them in a certain beat to distract yourself. You focus on the rhythm you’ve created for your hands and the way Jungkook’s shirt moves as he walks. The moonlight barely seeping through the trees as you desperately try to keep an eye on him, seeing as he’s wearing all black and his hair is dark as night. The little sliver of moonlight is the only thing keeping him in your sight as he moves ahead of you stealthily.

It feels like an eternity since you started walking, but Jungkook is showing no signs of slowing down or that he knows (or doesn’t know for that matter) where the heck you two are and how far away the house is. He just keeps walking, not making a peep. It has to have been at least an hour since you left the spot where the two vampires almost found you. You should be home by now, right?

…right?

A sudden dread fills you as you watch the vampire ahead of you, walking as though he has a destination in mind. He’s not like…leading you away to get revenge for your stupidity…is he?

You accidently let the anxiety of that being the case seep into your chest just before he abruptly stops in front of you. Your heart stopping right along with him as you pull yourself up to a halt, frozen and still staring at his back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a/n: sorry I was gone for so long. I'm back now and hopefully I'll have some reactions out soon, people seem to like those more anyway haha

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thetvmoviefan · 5 years

Text

Nabrina Fanfics Part 5

Sabrina Spellman & Nicholas Scratch (Nick Scratch) Fanfics MASTERLIST

Updated 8/19/2019

Made a new list of Nabrina Fanfictions for anyone who’s dying for Nick/Sabrina content and waiting for Part 3 and 4 for our very own Power Couple to come back. Some fics are from the old list and some NEW!!! All worth the read and re-reads.

Anyways ENJOY!!!!

Fics In order by last Update since 8/19/2019

1. “Lessons in the Unseen”

Author: bunivy

Summary: Academy Teachers AU. Sabrina Spellman lives as simple a life as a half-mortal half-witch can. Despite her dislike for the headmaster, she enjoys spending her time teaching Ritual Magic at the Academy of Unseen Arts, hoping to positively shape the minds of young witches and warlocks. However, the sudden dreadful announcement of her aunt Zelda's engagement paired with the appearance of one mysterious - and strikingly handsome - Nicholas Scratch, Sabrina finds that her life is not so simple anymore. Or all that safe. AU - Rated Mature - Chapters 10/? - Last Update 8/19/2019

2. “But The Greatest Is Love”

Author: sarahkwut

Summary: The acheron captured Lucifer Morningstar, but their problems are far from over. The coven is decimated, the Church of Night is no more, Father Blackwood is on the run, and Nick and Sabrina's relationship is in ruins. How do they pick up the pieces and move on? There are more questions than answers and the consequences could be of biblical proportions. Rated Mature - Chapters 5/? - Last Update 8/18/2019

3. “The Institute for the Divine Craft”

Author: rayo aka @its-nabrina-bitch

Summary: After a humiliating spat with Father Blackwood pushes Sabrina away from her witching life and the Academy, Madam Satan crafts an alternative solution to move Sabrina Spellman further down the path of night. Ultimately leading her to the Institute for the Divine Craft. A handsome Headmaster with mysterious ties to her father, convinces Sabrina to abandon her mortal life, and cultivate her abilities as a child of the Church of Lucifer. AU - Rated Mature - Chapters 15/? - Last Update 8/10/2019

4. “The Jock”

Author: mikaila_ealum

Summary: An Alternate Universe where Nicholas Scratch is Baxter High’s quarterback along with one of the most popular boys at school. With few knowing the truth, Scratch is living a double life as a warlock at the Academy of Unseen Arts. Sabrina takes a hiatus from the Academy to get more in touch with her mortal side. When Sabrina gets back she becomes partners with Nicholas for a project in theatre class. AU - Not Rated - Chapters 8/? - Last Update 8/7/2019

5. “act 5, scene 2 (thou and i are too wise to woo peaceably)”

Author: ghostemo aka @wickedscratch

Summary: When Sabrina Spellman rose to a challenge issued by Prudence Night, she never imagined she’d actually make the varsity cheer squad - or that doing so would upend life as she knew it. Now she has to navigate her new role within the social hierarchy of hell -er Baxter High as well as trying to get her boyfriend to actually communicate. It certainly doesn’t help that she’s been paired up with the annoyingly handsome Nicholas Scratch, captain of Greendale’s beloved football team, for a project in her theater class. It’s exactly as, if not more so, cliche as it sounds. AU/AH - Rated Teen - Chapters 3/? - Last Update 7/25/2019

6. “Off The Record”

Author: sarahwut

Summary: AU. Detective Nicholas Scratch left New York for Greendale in desperate need of a change of scenery. The small town takes some getting used to, but local reporter Sabrina Spellman quickly grabs his attention. It's the fresh start he needed until Greendale's residents start turning up dead. With a murderer on the loose, no one is innocent - and anyone might be next. AU/AH - Rated Mature - Chapters 29/29 - Completed 7/22/2019

7. “Bring You Close To Me”

Author: BridgetMcKennitt

Summary: Sabrina and her friends managed to bring Nicholas back from Hell. There was a lot the two of them needed to discuss, but tonight, they had this. Rated Explicit - Chapters 1/1 - One Shot - Last Update 7/13/2019

8. “Be True To Your School”

Author: rayo aka @its-nabrina-bitch

Summary: Nicholas Scratch is the Golden Boy™ of Baxter High; star athlete, top of his class academically, and devastatingly handsome. Sabrina Spellman sees Sophomore year as an opportunity to expand her horizons; joining the cheerleading squad, running for student council, and making new friends along the way while working to maintain her relationships with her old friends. What Sabrina Spellman doesn't know: sophomore year is about to turn her world upside-down. AU - Rated General - Chapters 3/? - Last Update 7/09/2019

9. “A Brief Moment”

Author: bunivy

Summary: Ever since he's returned from Hell, Nicholas Scratch has been having nightmares. With help from Aunt Hilda, Sabrina unknowingly shows him a light and for a moment, Nicholas knows everything will be okay. Rated General - Chapters 1/1 - One Shot - Last Update 6/24/2019

10. “Jealousy is a Killer”

Author: Melissa1226

Summary: Will Sabrina and Nick Start something new? and who is watching them from the shadow full of jealousy? Rated Mature - Chapters 7/? - Last Update 6/09/2019

11. “To Hell and Back”

Author: swtnerdgirl

Summary: A year has passed since Sabrina and her friends rescued Nick from Hell. No one came back the same. They all had their scars. Some emotionally. Some physically. In the days leading to Hilda's wedding, they all prepare for their lives to change and heal their wounds. Rated Mature - Chapters 16/? - Last Update 6/06/2019

12. “Dead Witch Walking”

Author: rayo aka @its-nabrina-bitch

Summary: Faced with the possibility of being harrowed to death by her classmates, Sabrina finds an escape Rated Explicit - Chapters 1/1 - One Shot - Last Update 5/26/2019

13. “The Hunt”

Author: OnlyInAutumn

Summary: Nick howled into the night, up at the stars to signify that he was ready on the eve of Lupercalia, the darkness of midnight around them. The first sound of the horn sent them into the forest.The hunt had begun. Rated Explicit - Chapters 1/1 - One Shot - Last Update 5/11/2019

14. “Secrets, Secrets are no Fun”

Author: filmharlot

Summary: Sabrina is the new kid for the first time in her life. Choosing to go to the Academy full-time seems to be a hard transition than she was expecting. With the Weird Sisters harassment at an all-time high, dealing with leaving her mortal friend's and condescending teachers, Sabrina is suffering. She's not even allowed to have Salem for comfort.It's not all bad though. She is finally free to do magic whenever she wants, and there's a charming warlock who is being particularly nice to her. Plus, someone is leaving kind gifts on her bed at the end of the night. She just wishes she knew who it was. Not Rated - Chapters 1/? - Last Update 5/06/2019

15. “My only love sprung from my only hate”

Author: filmharlot

Summary: High School AU where Nick is based on the version of him that Sabrina creates in her dream during the Batibat episode. Harvey and Sabrina have broken up and don't want to work together on the Romeo and Juliet assignment in Drama class, so she ends up being partners with Nick. AU - Not Rated - Chapters 7/? - Last Update 5/04/2019

16. “Ground Beneath Her Feet”

Author: mindlesshappy

Summary: Sabrina is born out of a miracle - one that she wishes would repeat for her, but when she is destined for someone else, how much can she resist before her heart decides to give in. Alternatively, Nick is Sabrina's soulmate, but she really just wants Harvey to be it. Also, in the backseat are all the other possible ships, getting their own soulmate glories. AU - Rated Teen - Chapters 2/? - Last Update 4/30/2019

17. “Unsettled Nighttime Creatures”

Author: mindlesshappy

Summary: We all know Sabrina is going to save Nick. This is how Nick reacts to being saved - which, spoilers alert - is like a very stupid warlock. Rated Teen - Chapters 5/5 - Completed 4/25/2019

18. “Selfless”

Author: sarahwut

Summary: Sabrina Spellman dragged Nicholas Scratch back from Hell. But Hell might be better than a world in which they aren't together. Rated General - Chapters 1/1 - One Shot - Completed 4/23/2019

19. “Homecoming”

Author: cherrystems

Summary: After several months Sabrina is able to get Nick back from Hell with the help of her family and friends. However, Nick has to adjust to Earth again while dealing with PTSD and anxiety. This tells the story of the growth of Sabrina and Nick's relationship over the recovery time. Not Rated - Chapters 3/? - Last Update 4/20/2019

20. “Under Your Spell”

Author: londonmarie

Summary: Sabrina doesn't hesitate to have her Dark Baptism and things go differently. Rated Teen - Chapters 10/? - Last Update 4/18/2019

21. “Photographs”

Author: Greyowl9831

Summary: It's been at least 150 years since Sabrina signed her name in the Book of the Beast. One day she finds an old photo album. Will the memories it contains be a great walk down memory lane or will it be more than she can bare? Not Rated - Chapters 4/? - Last Update 4/14/2019

22. “An Itch That Needed Scratching”

Author: umbrellacorp

Summary: What if Nick slayed his familiar and Sabrina and Nick got to experience the last night of the Lupercalia festival alone. Tonight, Sabrina would be transformed. Nick was going to show her power that she never knew she had, an innate carnal power. They were about to become the most powerful union of the Church of Night. Rated Explicit - Chapters 1/1 - One Shot - Last Update 4/13/2019

23. “and I keep waiting (but I won’t say I’m waiting)”

Author: lost_n_stereo aka @lost-n-stereo

Summary: You would think that it would hurt less as the days go by, since it’s been nearly two years since Nick sacrificed himself for the greater good and Lilith took him to hell. Except, he didn’t sacrifice himself for the greater good, he sacrificed himself for her. And that makes it a hell of a lot tougher to let go. Rated General - Chapters 1/1 - One Shot - Last Update 4/10/2019

24. "The Four Pictures”

Author: Copper_16

Summary: It’s been 10 years. Nick and Sabrina are teachers at the Academy along with some familiar faces. It’s been a decade there can’t be that much chaos anymore, right? Wrong. Rated Teen - Chapters 3/? - Last Update 4/09/2019

25. “Fire”

Author: OnlyInAutumn

Summary: Their power—together—was overwhelming. It was something that she had not felt either, the consuming feeling of expanding power.It was entirely addicting. Rated Mature - Chapters 2/2 - Completed 3/24/2019

26. “something I can believe”

Author: Anry

Summary: Missing scene after Sabrina's baptism. I wouldn't say that it's really a relationship here, just conversation. Rated General - Chapters 1/1 - One Shot - Last Update 1/25/2019

AND THERE YOU GO!!!!!!

Make sure you leave love through comments and kudos to these amazing writers for giving all these amazing Nabrina Fics, because without them the hiatus would be much harder.

So make sure to say how much you love their writing by giving them all the encouragement they deserve through comments or just sharing their stories. If anyone has any other suggestions for the list feel free to message me :).

ENJOY!!!!

#Nabrina #Nicbrina #CAOS #Chilling Adventures of Sabrina #Sabrina Spellman #Nick Scratch #Nicholas Scratch #CAOS Fanfiction #Nabrina Fanfiction #CAOS Fanfic #Nabrina Fics

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believingbrook · 6 years

Text

It’s late and still, the sort of stillness in which Kravitz doesn’t want to sleep.

He can, now. Every day he spends on the Prime Material plane with his newfound body, he can feel himself becoming more and more real - his heart to Taako, his head to Lup and Barry, his lungs to Angus, his lips to Magnus, his hands to Merle. He finds more and more often that he needs it, is discomfited without it. After so long not needing to sleep, once more requiring rest is a change, and a change for the unwelcome, especially when his dreams are so plagued with nightmares.

Taako has taken up meditation. Where Kravitz sleeps more he sleeps less, meeting in the middle in a surprisingly well-balanced combination of rest and life.

For Taako’s sake, he closes his eyes and pretends to sleep. It’s short work to even his breathing, to settle his limbs into stillness, and let his husband read uninterrupted by the dim light of the moon. But even as the calming rhythm of a waft of magic turning the page every few minutes, Kravitz can’t find sleep.

It’s not often he feels like this. It’s not often his doubts accumulate until he has trouble breathing. The worst is - he knows it’s not logical. He knows he’s loved and that he loves, because he has physical proof thrumming inside his ribcage. He feels it every time he closes his eyes and dreams. But during long weeks like these, weeks where his is the last face his targets ever see, struggling children and desperate parents, weeks so desolate he asks the Queen to send their newest reapers toward kinder missions, he doubts.

Who is he to claim a life so brilliant as Taako’s? Who is he to place a damp hold on the whole of the IPRE, heroes of a hundred realities? He is despair and death given true form, instilled with false life and the false hope of love.

His breathing hitches, and Kravitz hastily quells it, praying Taako does not notice. For several long moments Kravitz lies in the dark, waiting for Taako to say something, but after several minutes a page flips again and Kravitz allows himself - well, not a sigh of relief, but a brief relapse in that at the very least, he didn’t mess this up too.

What is he but a failed bard? He’d had dreams, once. Aspirations. Things he’d wanted, things he’d pursued with a passion, and all of that had evaporated in death. No - he’d let it evaporate. He’d let go of his dreams. Practically waved them goodbye. Before this year Kravitz had spent centuries without so much as touching a piano and he’s painfully out of practice, painfully out of tune and painful to listen to.

And Taako - gods, Taako could have his pick of anyone. There had been no deceit in his voice when Kravitz had promised Taako that everyone in reality would love him. They do - this plane, the Prime Material plane, even the Celestial Plane that houses his goddess, filled with admirers of Taako and his entire family. Kravitz is...next to Taako, Kravitz is nothing. So what if he is a Reaper? So what if he is one of the oldest, most powerful of his kind? Next to Taako - bright, alive, brilliant Taako - he is cold and dead.

Sometimes he fears he’s draining that life. And now, feeling Taako sitting in the dark, for - gods, just for Kravitz’s sake, he knows it’s true.

Kravitz curls desperately in on himself, clenching around his core, where that thought settles over him like the weighted truth. He’s draining the life from Taako, and soon there will be nothing left, and that above all else terrifies him. He can’t, he can’t see his husband like him - see him cold and lifeless and dreamless, without aspirations and cut off from the rest of the world, bonds severed and only artificial life flowing through his veins. How - how can Taako stand to be around him?

He doesn’t even realize he’s made a sound until there’s the muted thump of a book closing. For the second time that evening, Kravitz freezes, but he can feel himself shaking and he curses his husband’s darkvision. Maybe - maybe Taako will let it go, and tomorrow he can - he doesn’t know, do something -

“Krav?” whispers that voice, the beautiful voice that conceals and needles and cares. “You awake?”

No, he thinks. No, I’m dead.

And he nearly jumps out of his skin when a hand lands on his shoulder. “Krav?”

Kravitz swallows, hard. “Taako? You, uh, you woke me up.”

In wordless response, Taako lifts a hand and brushes it gently along Kravitz’s cheekbone. Only when Taako’s fingers trail across his skin does Kravitz realize that oh, he’s been crying.

“Shit,” he says, heart dropping. This is it, this is what he does, he takes the joy from Taako and just fucking drains it. “I’m sorry, Taako, I - it was a nightmare. I can go back to sleep.”

“It wasn’t a nightmare, babe,” Taako says, and even in the dark of their bedroom Kravitz can see the horrible concern creased along his face. He wishes Taako would stop looking at him like that.

“It was,” Kravitz insists, because he’s always been terrible at lying, but maybe if he insists hard enough Taako will believe him and he’ll go back to reading, peacefully, not worrying about his husband and his stupid, cold self. He musters the best smile he can, shooting for bright and changing it to gentle at the last moment, because that’s what people do, right, they smile gently during the nighttime, and says, “I’m fine, Taako. Don’t worry.”

“Ain’t nobody tellin’ Taako what to do,” Taako huffs, but his expression doesn’t change from the quiet worry that stretches across Taako’s features. “I’m stayin’ nice and awake until you tell me what’s goin’ on, okay, bubbeleh?”

“Nothing,” Kravitz insists. “Nothing, Taako, I - it was nothing.”

Taako studies him for a long moment, those bright eyes roaming over his face. Whatever he finds it’s certainly not honesty, but he must deem it passable, because he nods. Then he says, “If you don’t wanna talk about it, Krav, that’s cool. Gods know I’m not one to judge you for that.”

Kravitz exhales. “Right,” he says, and then adds, “please don’t worry.”

Taako looks at him strangely. “You’re crying in the middle of the night, my dude,” he says. “Of course I’m gonna worry.”

“That - don’t,” says Kravitz, almost pleading. “I’m not -” worth it, “don’t do that. Just, go back to reading, okay?”

“You’re not what?”

“I’m not upset,” Kravitz lies, surprising himself with the ease with which it comes out.

“Okay, now there’s some real worry up here,” Taako says, the anxiety growing on his face. “Normally you’re, like, good at talking shit out.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“That’s horseshit, Krav,” Taako says, but his voice isn’t exasperated it’s gentle, still, and Kravitz winces at it because he doesn’t deserve it, he’s not worth it. “C’mon, you know you can talk to me, right?” he says, and reaches out a hand toward Kravitz’s shoulder, and Kravitz -

Kravitz recoils, because he can’t stand the thought of Taako touching him and becoming a little more lifeless, a little more dead, a little less Taako.

Then he realizes what he’s done, and that Taako’s staring at him. “Sorry,” he apologizes, “I didn’t - I love you, I just, not right now, okay? I’m gonna go back to sleep and you can keep reading, and please don’t worry, I’m fine. I mean it, I’m okay - ”

Before Kravitz can pull away, before he can do much of anything, Taako has two arms wrapped around his shoulders and one palm pressed against the back of Kravitz’s skull. For a moment Kravitz flinches away, because no, this is bad, he’s cold and Taako’s warm and Taako’s going to wither Kravitz is draining him but his husband is strong and Taako does not let go.

“Krav,” Taako says, voice quiet. “I love you.”

“I - ” Kravitz chokes, hands hovering awkwardly behind Taako’s back, torn between returning the embrace and fleeing, far away from Taako and everyone else he could hurt by being himself. “I’m sorry - ”

“Stop.”

“I - what?”

“Stop apologizing. Fuck, babe, just stop it, okay? I don’t - you don’t have anything to apologize for, far as I can tell.”

Kravitz can’t help it - he laughs, first a snort, then a gasp, and then a sob that he buries in Taako’s shoulder because he hates himself, fucking bleeding sorrow over the most brilliant man in the world, and he doesn’t understand why Taako is here, why Taako is still here after all these years. His shoulders shake but Taako’s arms are warm and steady around him, holding him close. Behind his own ragged inhales Kravitz can hear Taako murmuring quiet nonsense, but more than that he’s humming, and that’s what breaks Kravitz - he’s humming.

He’s humming a song that Kravitz wrote, voice drifting gently over the melody, a perfect complement to the warm hands rubbing soothing circles into his back.

Kravitz clings tightly to Taako and cries.

And Taako, chest vibrating as he sings in a voice far deeper than the one with which he talks, lets him.

This should make it worse. This should drive the point home, really, that Kravitz is leeching off of Taako, an unfillable tap that will just keep taking, but somehow it’s harder to believe with his face buried in the crook of Taako’s neck and two hands clenched tightly in his nightgown, feeling the strong heartbeat underneath. Somehow, the rhythm is soothing - a reminder of what still is, rather than what Kravitz might have taken.

With every breath he feels less like drowning. Taako presses his cheek against the side of Kravitz’s head, like he’s trying to hold as much physical contact as possible, and of course he is, he knows Kravitz and he knows that makes Kravitz feel better, and he drops his own personal bubble for Kravitz because that’s who Taako is; cold to the world, but to a select few, warmer than the sun. And he is so, so lucky to be one of that number.

“What’s wrong, love?” he says, and Kravitz almost breaks down again, because that’s - that’s his pet name for Taako, one he uses because Taako needs to hear how much he’s loved, and Taako only uses it for Kravitz when something is wrong, when he’s at his most concerned, and it does its job: it reminds Kravitz that he’s loved.

“I don’t understand,” Kravitz whispers against Taako’s collarbone, not daring to look up. “I don’t understand why you’re here.”

Taako tries to pull back, to lift Kravitz’s chin, but Kravitz presses his face harder into Taako’s shoulder, silently begging to be allowed to hide, just for a moment longer. There’s a brief pause, then Taako’s arms encircle him again, shielding him from his own dark for just a moment.

“You’re wondering why I stick around,” he says, and Kravitz nods.

Taako is quiet for a long moment, still rubbing absent circles along Kravitz’s spine. His fingers are pads of warmth against his vertebrae. Kravitz squeezes his eyes tight, focuses on the heat from his husband’s shoulder against his forehead, and tries to rope his breathing back under control. That anxious, loathing warning against burdening Taako with his own inadequacies is muted, made quieter by the bubble Taako has created around him.

“There’s not a short answer to that question, love,” Taako says. “Let’s start from our happy middle?”

“Okay?” says Kravitz, not really sure where he’s going with this.

Taako chuckles, quietly, fondly. “It’s something Lup and I used to say, back before the IPRE,” he explains, and Kravitz stills, because Taako doesn’t often talk about his time before the Starblaster. Those are not happy memories for his husband. “We used to say: give us an unhappy beginning, a happy middle and a very happy end.’ It was either a game or a prayer.” Kravitz can hear the small smile on Taako’s face. “We haven’t decided which yet, but I think Lulu would agree it was more a prophecy than anything.”

“This....”

“This is our very happy ending,” Taako says. One of his hands raises from Kravitz’s back to run through his hair soothingly. “You’re my very happy ending, Krav.”

Kravitz squeezes his eyes shut again, denial forcing to the front of his mind. What is he against the heroes of a hundred realities? Gods, what is he against Taako’s family?

If Taako notices the resurgence of tension in Kravitz’s body, he doesn’t mention it. His hands are unceasing against the nape of Kravitz’s neck. “So,” he says musingly, “our happy middle. Let’s talk about the sapphire mirror. Krav, gods, I...” Taako says, and his voice cracks a bit. “The first time you told me you loved me I was so, so happy. You make me happy, Krav. I know you think you don’t, but you do. At the time I didn’t know I loved you too, and it took a little while for me to come around,” he says, snorting, because it took a year and a bit for Taako to say I love you, “but you were fine with waiting. All those months I was just trying to screw my head on right and you didn’t complain once. You never stopped telling me how much you loved me, and it was sappy as shit, but that’s who you are, Krav. Patient, and sweet, and kind, even - even with fucked-up elves who’d lost their entire heart.

“And now,” he says, voice softening further, hands coming to rest on Kravitz’s cheek, “we’re in our very happy ending. And, gods, Krav, I mean this - I’m so glad to share it with you. I love you, Krav. No - no, I’m in love with you, and that’s not gonna change. I know you hate being the last face people see and I know you think you’re - that you’re drainin’ me or some shit, but you don’t. You make me so, so happy.” Taako releases Kravitz and taps his other hand under Kravitz’s chin, forcing his gaze upward. “I want you looking at me when I say this, love, because I mean it. I’m in love with you, Kravitz. And I think I always will be.”

He presses his lips softly against Kravitz’s forehead. For a moment Kravitz sits, entirely still, and then he starts to smile.

“Thank you, Taako,” he says. “I - this is a bad time, I know, I’m sorry - ”

“Nope.”

Taako flicks the bridge of his nose. “Right,” Kravitz says. No apologies. He smiles despite himself, because Taako’s in love with him. He’s so lucky that this brilliant, amazing elf is in love with him. “I’m in love with you too, Taako.”

“I know,” says Taako, and pulls him into another hug, this one less desperate, this one calm and content, the horrified strain of earlier dissipating around them. “Anything else you wanna put on the table, homie?”

“I’m not sure I did much putting in the first place,” Kravitz says, surprising himself with a full-blown grin. “But I am feeling better, Taako,” he says, and is surprised by that too, that it’s true. That his husband has taken those loathing thoughts and beaten them away through the sheer force of his love. Gods, Taako is incredible.

“Good. Can’t have a mopey reaper around the house,” Taako sniffs. “Bad for, like, plant morale and shit.”

“If Merle’s gifts were affected by me they’d be dead long ago, babe,” Kravitz laughs, swipes at his eyes.

Even as Taako says, “Well, we’re lucky he made these things hardy as fuck then, my man,” he cradles Kravitz’s face in his hands one more time. He swipes his thumbpads along Kravitz’s eyes, two smooth swathes of warmth that bring another smile to Kravitz’s face. Kravitz reaches up both hands and holds Taako’s wrists, lightly, reveling in this moment, then turns and kisses the palm of one of Taako’s hands.

“Sap,” Taako says with absolutely zero malice in it. He also makes zero move to reclaim his hands.

They sit like that for a long moment, just watching each other, before Kravitz’s jaw cracks in a yawn.

Taako laughs. It’s still as beautiful as the first day Kravitz met him. “Time for reapers to take a nap, I think,” Taako says, jabbing him in the side.

Kravitz concedes, flopping back down on the bed. Instead of levitating his book again, Taako tucks himself right beneath Kravitz’s chin, letting the reaper curl his arms around the small of his back and hold him close.

So Kravitz drifts, his husband in his arms and the quiet sound of a gentle breeze outside, a warm patch on his neck where Taako’s forehead is pressed up against his chin. He’s almost asleep when Taako says, quietly, “Kravitz?”

“Hmm?” he hums.

“You gotta - Krav, next time this happens, just talk to me about it, okay?” Then, quieter: “I don’t like seeing you get this bad. It scares me.”

Kravitz nestles his hand in Taako’s hair in response, a gentle pressure on the back of his head. “I will,” he promises.

And he does.

#taako #kravitz #taakitz #taz #we call these types of fics: projection central #warning for mental health bullshit

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inhalareexhalare · 6 years

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Hung out with Nynaeve today. The whole afternoon we watched and commented on a bunch of colorful, adventure and psychological anime.

At night we talked about our fears. She said that she used to fear making mistakes most when she was a kid. Now it might be that she fears being alone most. She said she can only envy people who are capable of feeling tired of having too much company.

I shared about my nighttime anxiety to her, and I found out it was news to her. I seem to really not talk about these things at all. No wonder Karu thought I was a whole different person that one anxiety-attack night. Also told her about this blog and the other day-time blog I discontinued (because I generally am busy and more motivated in the first half of the day, which tends to be a pain sometimes because I’d have too many things I’d like to add in the blog that the content ends up small. Make sense?).

She told me to give her the link so she can add me, and I’d like that, but this is a private blog. I am not yet comfortable sharing this with people that are emotionally involved with me, especially mutually. (Because anxiety yes?)

I'm glad to have hung out with my beloved younger sister and best friend, Nynaeve. She was troubled by our relatives who live in a toxic environment. Their stress have found their way to her. It's also sad how most churches of today force their version of the truth into its people (which should have been the church in the first place). I believe that people should be allowed the freedom to explore. The freedom to make mistakes. The freedom to learn. The freedom to find God personally.

How else do you find yourself?

Other people can't do that for you.

But I do understand why this always happens. Even small-scale. In families, parents and elders (everyone, really, depending on which perspective you take) are always compelled to control things beyond their control, to protect the people they love. The intent is good, but the heart is wrong.

All life is equal. What right do we have to impose our truths to another?

On that note, I'm still stubborn about one for all and all for one.

All life is equal. It's not a better world if one person has to suffer for everyone else's "good". We're not doing things “for the good of the world” until we're doing it for everybody.

Karu's resting on his own by the way. Nynaeve and I have been hanging out in the living room.

I hope he hasn't been lonely, but he needed solitude for rest. I love him.

2018-10-21 20:20 Philippines

_________________________________________

I hate people.

I hate people some nights. I'm not sure yet if it's all nights.

Took a really long walk outside, and Nynaeve willingly accompanied me. She didn't want to go home because of the emotional lashing of our two uncles at her for eating dinner late (which was overly emotional by the way. There’s nothing Nynaeve could have done with the conditions of working midshift which ends at 23:00).

We went our separate ways sweetly. I love my sister.

I met Karu outside the apartment. I apologized for forgetting to bring my phone, and worrying him.

I hate people. Ira's drinking friends are still at our unit.

It’s nothing personal. I’ve talked about this with Nynaeve too. I don’t hate them as persons; but I somehow “hate people” (in a general sense perhaps. It’s not very logical) at times like these.

I'm here now inside the room so it's relatively peaceful and quiet.

I thought I'd watch some stuff with Karu to make up for the whole afternoon I was emotionally away (yes I usually can only accommodate one person at a time), but he seems to feel the need to entertain the guests.

For now, I should rest. I am so Dead.

Must. Rest.

2018-10-21 22:21 Philippines

_________________________________________

Ends up Karu and I continue Boku Dake ga Inai Machi.

I cry somewhere in the middle though, after I opened the second bag of chips and he jokingly exclaimed, "there's no use being sorry about it, it won't reseal the bag!"

And I put it down and almost immediately start crying mad. It wasn't noisy, just gaspings for air and irregular breathing and tears of what I felt was like non-stop pouring streams from cracks and cracks of breaking glass.

Karu embraced me as quickly as he sensed something off when I put the bag down and asked what's wrong or what he did wrong.

I shook my head to say it's not his fault. I only said, "I'm stupid. I'm useless."

He insisted gently as he can that that can't be it, but that's all, I said. It really is all.

Even I know I'm being illogical. That's the frustrating part. I hate myself. I hate it when I ruin things for other people. Why do I do these things?

Why do I cry?

2018-10-22 01:00 Philippines

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He stayed with me until I calmed down.

It'd be bad if this goes on. Karu was still recovering too. And his head hurt. Also, he took too many shots of tequila.

Goal #3: Take a deep breath, and hold the heart, exhale "Focus."

(Let's try creating a calming prompt/routine/cue word)

It was getting deep in the early morning so we decided to cut off the anime marathon.

I love to caress him when he feels shocked or worried (my alarm woke him up. It was strangely louder than usual). But I don't like it when he gets worried.

I love him.

I can still feel the heavy sensation of my eyelids from all that crying and from sleepiness. We went to lie down on the floor at 2 in the morning I think.

We should get decent sleep later tonight. Now I remember that he'd planned the day before yesterday to get a long good sleep last night.

Must rest properly!

I should get ready for work now.

I think we should set an activity curfew at night so our bodies can adjust to an earlier sleeping time.

It's too hard on the body to not sleep on time, and to not sleep enough hours.

2018-10-22 05:30 Philippines

#sleep #rest #cry #hate #goal #freedom #toxic #relatives #boku dake ga inai machi #blog #private #curfew #chrono1

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onestowatch · 3 years

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The Happiest Accident: a Conversation With Motel 7 [Q&A]

Photo: Paris Brosnan

Anton Khabbaz and Dylan Jagger Lee’s collaborative project, Motel 7, is nothing short of a happy accident. Developed from an allegiance to authenticity and a genuine love of creating music, the two writers and producers have given themselves time and space to evolve their ever-changing sound. Their most recent single, “Things I Hate,” arrives as a young adult’s exposé on the chaotic moments we are so heavily consumed by, regardless of their regretful outcomes. We had the chance to sit down with Dylan and Anton of Motel 7 to discuss the duo’s formation, their latest single, and striving to create timeless music without thinking too much.

Ones To Watch: OK, let’s start from the beginning. Dylan, why don’t you tell us who Motel 7 is and how the duo came to be?

Dylan: Ok, well Motel 7… The way we always describe it is, “the biggest happy accident of all time.” So, essentially we both were working on music, separate projects, both in the EDM space, like making dance music, so we went to school and met each other at this place called Icon Collective and we connected over a different style of music than everyone else was doing. So, we were like, “let’s hang out, let’s make some music.” One day, we went to my house and sat in the living room, had no idea we could sing and just said, “yo, let’s turn some autotune on,” see what it sounds like… see if we can sing, see if we can even do this. Then we wrote this one song, we put it up on Soundcloud and we forgot about it. So two months, three months later, we were like, “what the fuck? The song has 100,000 plays, what happened? This is so weird.” So, I said we have to call it something and Anton said, “let’s just call it Motel 6.” Or maybe I said Motel 6 and he was like, “No, it’s already taken. There’s already a Motel 6… what about seven? Motel 7?” And so we were just like, “OK, it’s called Motel 7.”

And then we [decided] we should take the song off of Soundcloud, let’s put it on Spotify since it’s working, obviously. You know, something’s happening. Then we came back, and it had 100,000 plays there. Then we just started putting out more music, started taking it more seriously. It just became a creative outlet for us, because we were both doing different music and no one knew who we were. It was just fun to do whatever we wanted with no pressure. And then, all of a sudden, it started actually working and then labels were hitting us up, management were hitting us up. We never expected Motel 7 to even be a thing and here we are. Motel 7 is just a creative outlet, a happy accident, that turned into this.

So it’s been two years since you first put out that track on Soundcloud?

Anton: I think it was 2018 actually, but we didn’t start taking it seriously, or kind of seriously, until two years ago.

Dylan: I mean, realistically, we didn’t have a team behind us until, like…

Anton: Like months ago.

Dylan: It was really just a… let’s make music for fun, forget about it, put it out. Motel 7 wasn’t going to come and catch us one day… I mean, we’re just so happy to do it now, and it's really exciting because this thing that felt so organic and natural is now something we get to pursue.

Anton: We always felt like it had potential to do things and we were kind of, like, scared of it. Like, shoot, we’re kind of just doing this for fun and not telling people we’re singing on these tracks, so if it does go somewhere, then we’re going to have to go play shows and like, now we’re kind of in that situation. We have a manager and it’s just kind of crazy to be making music and then taking Motel 7 very seriously as our main thing right now.

Your new single, “Things I Hate,” follows your singles, “Messing with Fire” and “Are We There Yet,” so tell us about the progression of your sound. What was the movement, in terms of production, from past singles to this one?

Anton: Me and Dylan just send stuff back and forth via email. Through the pandemic, it was hard to be in the same room. That song [“Things I Hate”] kind of came about with Luke in a studio session… and Dylan had the idea. Dylan, you had the original demo on your laptop...

Dylan: Yeah. I mean, our sound, the reason why you would assume there’s progression would be because we would probably never make a song that sounds the same. Motel 7 has always been no boundaries. One day we’ll come out with a rap song, the next day we’ll come out with a rock song, the next day it’s this and that. There’s no, “this is what we are.” It’s just… “This is a Motel 7 record.” We always thought about it like that, not pop, indie, rock, rap.

Anton: I know for a fact we go into every single session being inspired by what we’re listening to in the past week or two, not like, “Oh, we’re going to have to stick to this genre because this is what’s working.” We’re open to new ideas and creatively inspired to challenge ourselves.

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When you’re making music, what is the one thing you come back to as the most important? A motto or mantra that you stick to when you’re creating?

Dylan: Our first project ever is called, A Reminder Not To Think Too Much. So we wrote all those songs super carelessly. None of those songs, if you listen to them one by one, really make sense. But when you put them all together with a title like that, it just puts it together. Like, wow. Those two years were a time period where we sat there, wrote music, did not care what it sounded like, if it was good, if it was bad. We just put it out. They all ended up working, people loved them, everyone connected with them. We just wanted to put a stamp on it so we called it, A Reminder Not To Think Too Much, because whenever we write music it’s just like, let’s write the song today or it’s not a song. It has to just come naturally. So, I assume that is the motto, A Reminder Not To Think Too Much. It’s what we always look back to.

Anton: Yeah, also, our lyrics are so honest and maybe, sometimes, being super honest could confuse us as being too cheesy or too on the nose… and going back to not thinking too much. That always plays again in our heads. Trust your gut and move on with it. Not like, spending three hours on one verse line or something. We’ve always been so good at embracing the imperfections of our writing and our production, because that kind of gives it its character.

If you could assume the music and the career of any artist, past or present, who would it be and why?

Anton: So many… one artist? Wow...

Dylan: Probably Jack Antonoff. He’s just so creative… like how do you even, I don't know. You just watch him and then you watch him talk, and I just want to write music with that mindset. It’s just crazy, so probably him. He’s so versatile, he’s writing the Lorde record, the Lana Del Ray record, and then he’s writing Pharrell… I don’t even know. He’s doing everything. Like how do you write a Bleachers record and then you write… it’s just so insane. He’s just a genius.

Anton: Producers like Pharrell, like, starting from the good ol’ days of Justin Timberlake. I feel like those types of records, you hear like right now and sound way better than anything else on the radio, Spotify, Top 10, Top 40, whatever. Timeless music like that is so special, and if someone, like a producer now or from years ago, was able to pull that off, that’s one of the greatest things ever. You rarely hear a song that’s timeless these days. I think Pharrell has been one of those guys that has had that under his belt from the get-go.

Dylan: And probably Paul McCartney, because he’s just a legend.

Anton: There’s so many legends, you know. Like, let’s go down the list!

“Things I Hate” has this edgy, electronic, pop sound. Tell me the story of the song, what does it have to say?

Anton: It was an ode to going out and those nights were you party and make bad decisions and regret it the next day… or see your friends do stupid shit and I’m pretty sure everyone has been there, right? Like, you’re on a night out in town and your buddies doing drugs or drinking way too much and passing out on the floor. And in your head, you’re like, “Fuck, what am I getting myself into? What am I doing?” I guess you get anxiety sometimes in situations like that or get in your head. It’s LA and nightlife and partying and the idea of going out as the young adult.

Dylan: Yeah, just like falling back into people and places and things that I hate. Like that line…

Anton: Yeah, you just keep on going back to it.

Dylan: You’ll hang out with the people you don’t really like, always go back to the places you don’t really like. Even if you don’t like them, you’re still going to end up going. It’s the way our brains are programmed nowadays. I hate the club, but yeah, every once in a while I’ll go, I see people I don’t like but I’ll still say hi to them. I mean, you’re programmed to be a yes man.

Anton: It’s the same thing when you’re drunk and then you’re hungover the next day and you say, “I’m never drinking again.” And then the next day, you do it all over.

What would be the ideal spot to listen to “Things I Hate?”

Anton: It kind of feels like a nighttime song, the song you would blast in the Uber on the way to the club. I’m not sure if I see it as a sunset drive on the coast kind of song, but, I could also see it as a song you play in bed, just on your headphones casually, too.

Dylan: Or listen to it on the way home from a party, while you’re like, “fuck…” When you’re in those feels, like, “Damn, I shouldn’t have been there tonight.” Then, turn it on. When you want some reassurance of your thought process after a party, turn it on.

What would be three words you would use to describe Motel 7?

Anton: I just want people to feel like that rawness, like how we felt making the music. I want people to feel that... when we play it live. That’s probably the first thing. Second, I want the brand to feel authentic and unique.

Dylan: Raw, authentic…

Anton: That’s second, and then third… hmm. I always want to feel challenged with what we’re making, not staying in one place. I always want to keep things moving and step out of our comfort zone and challenge ourselves to be better and to grow and learn… and also to make mistakes.

Dylan: I would also say Motel 7, we want it to be very unique, raw, and authentic. Those three words probably put Motel 7 in its best category. When we’re working on music, we try to keep it as raw as possible. We don’t spend so much time on the tiny, tiny details, but at the same time, we want it to be how we made it in that moment, and that’s it. It’s just, how it is in that moment, is just how I assume everything should sound. I don’t spend too much time on the finer details, Anton’s definitely the guy who loves the little, tiny details but like from my side of things, I love to just…

Anton: You love to just get the idea down, vibe with it, and then I carry it through the details of like song stuff and other little things that no one will ever notice.

Is there anything else you would like to say, as Motel 7, either pertaining to music or something you just want to get out into the world?

Anton: I just feel like we’re always going to be creating. Like Dylan said, Motel 7 is a creative outlet.

Dylan: Pretty much, Motel 7 is an endless and endless hole. We’ll just keep falling until the time comes. I just feel like when we’re creating music, as Anton said, it’s like the next song is always better, the next song is always better. It just feels like we’re forever growing and I feel like Motel 7 isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, so people should just keep an eye out. There you go. Ones to watch, baby!

#motel 7 #interview #things i hate #pop #alternative pop

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kayliemusing · 3 years

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Are you going to be a hundred percent honest? Yes, I’m usually an open book.

The shirt you’re wearing, where did you get it? My mom’s drawer hahaha.

If your girlfriend/boyfriend broke up with you tonight, what would you do? I don’t have one, but I’d probably cry, write about it, and listen to Taylor Swift’s entire discography.

What are you looking forward to? I’m looking forward to developing my book a little more and understanding it a little more, too. I was having trouble planning it out so I’m starting to just write it out and I’m excited to see where it goes and what happens. On a smaller scale, I’m excited for Spring.

Last movie you watched, with who? Right now I’m watching Ratatouille with my sister.

Has anyone gotten on your nerves lately? Oh yeah lol. Someone who is on my nerves lately more than ever is one of my managers. I just find her hard to work with. She’s okay somedays, but mostly I find her a little unfair and a little mean.

Someone knocks on your window at 2am, what do you say? My window looks out into my backyard which is fenced so I’d probably be really scared because there’s no one I know who would be knocking on my bedroom window unless it was to murder me.

Does it bother you when someone lies to you? Yes, but I guess it depends on the lie. If it’s a big lie, that’s a no brainer. But I can offer leniency if someone lied, for example, about having plans because they didn’t feel like hanging out or something. Context is everything.

Do you feel awkward when strangers say hi to you? Not really awkward, but I get shy.

Do you hate being alone? No, I like it mostly. Sometimes being alone at night bugs me because it’s lonely, but for the most part I’m okay with it.

Are you a morning person or a night person? Morning. I’m usually sleepy by 10 pm.

Are you a forgiving person? I don’t really know. I feel like, yes, depending on the person and situation, but I tend to hold grudges too, even though I wish I didn’t. But I’m usually forgiving if I understand the person and where they’re coming from, opposed to if I think they’re just a mean person.

What do you usually do first in the morning? Check my phone for the time and notifications.

Are you excited about this weekend? Not really. Nothing special going on. I work Saturday so that’s a bummer.

Does it bother you when someone says they will call you and they don’t? Yes because I don’t like feeling like I’m waiting on them and that I might miss their call, especially because phone calls make me nervous so I feel like I wasted my day with anxiety.

What are you wearing on your feet? Pink socks.

What happened at 3.00pm today? It’s only 1:30 pm right now so I don’t know!

Do you miss the way things used to be? Yes, in many different ways. Obviously we’re living in a pandemic and I miss the normalcy of life without the masks and the precautions and regulations. But other things I miss right now is being a kid (something I always struggle with and miss) but also in my job, I don’t feel like my managers like me anymore and that they don’t want me there so I kind of miss feeling like I belong because I just feel like I don’t.

Do you care about what people think of you? So much - I hate this about me. I find it very all-encompassing and it makes it hard for me to be myself because I’m always worried I look stupid or that no one likes me or wants me around. I’m working on it, but it’s hard.

Has the opposite sex ever written you a poem? No, but I would love this because I’m a writer too! It could be the worst poem ever and I would literally treasure it forever. Unless it was mean lol.

Did any particular thing brighten up your day today? It’s so warm today! It’s late February so I think it’s going to start being warmer and feeling more like spring. Last week it was freezing and I mean -36 C with the windchill. So waking up to the sun and warmer air was so refreshing.

Are you easily scared at horror films? Yes-ish? I don’t like gore or anything demonic, but I don’t mind suspense and thriller.

If there was a large spider in the room, what would you say? I probably wouldn’t say anything. I would probably scream and then start crying.

How important is trust? So important, but it’s very hard too. I feel like you can’t have much of any kind of relationship without some semblance of trust.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? No and I think that’s such a cheap thing to say. It’s almost like a way to invalidate an experience or to water down the pain of it. I think things happen and good things can come of it, but I don’t think it’s for any specific reason. I can’t look at someone who, for example, has lost their child and then have the audacity to shrug my shoulders and say “Well, everything happens for a reason”. It feels uncaring. Good things can come out pain, but not because it was pre-destined to happen in order for you to get from place A to place B.

Do you miss anyone right now? Yes, always.

Do you have good memories with old friends? Of course. Some friends were better than others, but there are good memories with all of them, I feel like.

When do you blow out the candles? March 1 - next week! I’ll be 23.

Do you give out second chances too easily? I’m a very black and white thinker and I think I’m very careful and intuitive with others so if I feel it’s deserved, I’ll give it and if I feel like there’s no point, then I won’t so I don’t think so.

If you died today would your life be complete? No, because I haven’t done anything I’ve wanted or needed to. It would feel meaningless.

Has anyone licked you in the past week? My cat, Archer.

Did you kiss or hug anyone in the last 48 hours? No

Do you get along with most girls? I think so, yes. I don’t like the idea that girls have to be pitted against one another or threatened by each other. It’s such a weird and toxic mindset.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night? No.

Has someone ever sang a song to you? Not really, I don’t think. I’ve had friends sing to me showing me their singing voices and I think my mom used to sing to me when I was really little, but not really *actually* singing TO me.

How are you feeling right now? I actually feel really good right now. I think it’s the weather hahaha.

Who did you sleep with last night? My cat slept next to me lol.

Do you straighten your hair? Sometimes! I have naturally straight hair but the ends flip out which is really annoying lol. So if i’m not putting my hair up, I straighten the ends out. It also makes it look just a little nicer.

Do you need to say anything to someone? Not really.

How many friends do you have that have never smoked? I don’t have very many friends anymore - there’s just my best friend and then old friends from school I don’t see anymore, but I don’t think most of them have smoked. My best friend definitely hasn’t. (To my knowledge).

Think of the last person you said I love you to, did you mean it? My mom and I absolutely meant it. You should tell everyone you love them. The person who took this survey before me said if you say it to much it can lose its meaning and that’s so untrue. I love you is always a full phrase and you should never regret saying it and you should tell the people you love that you love them as many times as you want to. For me, I could say I love you to the same person eight times a day every day and I’d mean it every time.

Do you think a lot of people think bad things of you? I feel like my brain tells me that, but it’s probably untrue.

Are you an emotional person? Yes, very.

Is there someone you used to talk to every single day that you don’t talk to? Yes. I felt like we were drifting apart and I wasn’t a fan of the choices she was making so I ended the friendship. I really regret how I went about the situation. I wish I would have just let us drift instead of just cutting it off. I think I was just annoyed and angry with her, but I shouldn’t have gone about it the way I did.

What is the highlight of your week? It’s the beginning of the week right now, but last week I wrote and submitted a short story into a contest and it was approved. I don’t know if it won or was shortlisted yet though. I was proud of myself though because I have intense perfectionism and it sometimes stunts my writing, so I was proud of the accomplishment.

So the last person you kissed asks you to marry them: you say? I’ve never been kissed

Same person tells you you’re beautiful; you say? N/A

What are you listening to right now? No music right now but I’m watching a movie so I guess I’m listening to what’s happening in the movie lol

Do you like nighttime or daytime better? I kind of like both. Mostly, I prefer evening or early morning tbh.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? No

Do you mind sleeping on the floor? I can never sleep on the floor - it’s uncomfortable!!

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My mom

Do you crack your knuckles? Sometimes

Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something? No

Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy? I’m mostly really comfortable with my mom, but I don’t know about spending every minute with her. I’m very introverted so I need my quiet and my space.

Spell your name without an E. Kayli

In the last 24 hours have you done something you regret? No

What did you do today? I went for a walk and now I’m watching a movie.

Ever been lied to by someone you thought would never lie to you? See, this is a hard question because the person lied to me but also lied about me and I knew this person lied. We’re not friends anymore because of this situation, but I never had the expectation that they would never lie to me because I was kind of like “Oh yeah sounds about right for them to say something like that”

Have you ever liked someone older than you? Yes.

Do you think you have made a difference in someone’s life? I don’t know. Probably, but I don’t know for sure.

How late did you stay up last night? Only until midnight.

Do you believe that high school relationships ever make it? I’m sure there are some that make it, but mostly it’s hard because people change as they grow up. I guess you’d have to grow together rather than apart.

Do you drink tea? No, I don’t care for tea.

Are you a vegetarian? No

Do you enjoy being single? For the most part. No one has ever showed interest in me (that I liked back anyways) and so I’ve just never not been single. It just feels normal to me? I don’t have anything to compare it by.

Do you believe there is a difference between love and lust? A big difference.

Is there anyone you couldn’t live without? My mom. She’s my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without her.

Who is the last person you slow-danced with? No one lol. I was the 12 year old sitting on the bench during the awkward middle school dances hahaha.

Would you like to get married? I would like to someday but I don’t know if it’ll ever happen.

Do you get shy around guys/girls you are crushing on? Yes very.

Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you? My mom lol

What’s wrong with you right now? Things lol. There’s kind of a list. Mostly, I feel unsatisfied with my writing (although it’s starting to come along now) and I feel unsatisfied or disillusioned with my life. I’m struggling with perfectionism and never feeling good enough, and also depression, so things have been difficult and the good days feel few and far in between.

Do you truly hate anyone? My sister’s ex tbh.

Would you share your drink with a stranger? No.

How often do you hold back what you want to say? A lot, because I’m quiet so I’m usually thinking it and not saying it, but I guess I make up for it through my writing.

Would you ever get a tattoo? Yes, but I’ve never been brave enough to actually get one.

Do you know anyone who has messed up your life? No

Can you read other people’s expressions? Yes

Will tomorrow be good? I hope so. I work tomorrow and I’ve been feeling like I don’t belong there lately or just lonely while I’m there, so I hope it’ll be better tomorrow.

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I can’t remember. I was reading so I don’t think I was really thinking.

What’s your favorite drink? Hot Chocolate and I really like Diet Coke too

What’s the last thing you had to drink? Diet coke

Does it bother you when people spell/type your name incorrectly? No. Pick your battles. It’s not that big of a deal.

Would you have sex with your ex for $1,000? No.

If you could have one thing right now what would it be? Money probably so I could get the Hyundai Venue which I’ve wanted since I saw it on the commercial last year lol.

What are you currently listening to? Still watching a movie.

If you see a girl with big boobs do you automatically think she’s a slut? No, because that’s an awful thing to think about someone you don’t know and only based on their body type which they can’t control. I think we call that internalized misogyny.

When you and your friends are out and about do you usually get dirty looks? No

What color is your hair? Dirty blonde but I usually get highlights to make it a little brighter.

What’s the last thing that made you laugh? My sister

Have you ever kissed someone named Dylan? No

Why did your parents name you your name? They really liked it. They were going to call me Jaycee and then Erika, but settled for Kaylie.

What would you do if you’re pregnant? I don’t really know lol. I would keep it, but that’s as far as I know.

Are you texting anyone? No

Last person you hugged? My cat lol

Do you regret anything you’ve done this year? Nothing that I can really think about. I’m sure I’ve made mistakes, but nothing to a large scale.

Do you have a bad habit? Yes, I bite my nails.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? No

Would you rather have a smoothie or milkshake? Milkshake except I’m lactose intolerant so it wouldn’t be a fun time without some meds.

Do you have any older siblings? Yes, my sister.

Do you hate it when you go over someone’s house and do absolutely nothing? Yes!! A lot of the times my friends always want to watch tv when I go over and I find it so boring. I prefer if we go out and do something, like go to the mall or something. I always like it when we go to the corn maze in the fall.

Do you get easily embarrassed? Yes, and that’s on social anxiety!

You doing anything fun today? No :/

Do you put ketchup on your fries or on the side? On the side

Do you ever write in pencil anymore? No, I hate it! I don’t know why, I just prefer pens. They write smoother.

Is anything bothering you? Not right now.

What’re you doing Sunday? Nothing that I know of.

What cheers you up no matter what? Taylor Swift music or a good book. My mom does too.

Got feelings for anyone? No

Do you ever watch anime? No

What time in your life would you like to put on repeat forever? My childhood, but only until like second grade lol.

Do you know what it’s like to be truly happy? When I was a kid, I think. That was truly my most happy and it was a naive and carefree happiness that I will never achieve again. (And that’s not to be negative - I don’t think we’ll ever have that level of carefree joy again. Not after everything we learn as an adult,)

What alcoholic beverages have you had in the last 62 hours? Last night I had some Boone’s Snow Creek Berry Wine which is my favourite right now because it doesn’t taste like alcohol lol

Ever really cried your heart out? Oh yeah

What is on your bed right now? Nothing. Just my blankets and pillows.

Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? Yes

Is there someone who instantly makes you smile when they send you a message? Sort of. My best friend usually and my mom. But I smile more when I see notifications for a book update or a book release lol.

Do you believe in love? very much.

Do you have trust issues? Not overly. I think there are some places where I do, but not on a whole.

How did you get your last bruise? This is weird but the wire in my bra bruised my boob. Yeah I know.

Think back in February, how was your love life then? Wow! It IS February! Hahaha. Between last feb and this feb, still non existent.

Are you currently frustrated with someone? No

Is there someone you will never forget? Yes. A few people!

Did you ever waste too much time on a certain boy or girl? No

Last time you felt bad about something? I feel like I have a lot of false guilt about things, so I feel bad a lot of the time.

Do you like cuddling? Yes

Are you anything like you were at this point last year? No, I’m different. Both in good ways and bad ways.

Do you drink water? Not as much as I should.

What’s today’s date? Feb 22 2021

#survey

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homestuck-good · 7 years

Text

Coming Home - Lin X Reader

Prompt: Uh... None. I'm still new to this whole thing.

Warnings: Like, two curse words. Lin curses a lot in his interviews, so he curses here, too. Summary: You and Lin have grown distant over the years, leading to unfortunate feelings of loneliness. After returning to New York for a job interview, an unexpected encounter leads to a surprising reconciliation. Word count: 1,900 (Wow. 0.o) Notes: This is my first posted fic, so I really hope you all like it! Please give any and all feedback, I would appreciate it very much! I know @secretschuylersister said that what she got to read was good, so I hope the rest of it lives up to her expectations!

OH GOSH I AM SO NOT READY TO POST THIS

HERE WE GO

The window's view flashed by faster than your eyes could follow, mixing into a blur of pictures and scenes of local life. Huge buildings towered on the horizon, nearing closer every time you looked up. A deep breath in. A deep breath out. There were few things you had experienced more nerve-wracking than this particular train ride back to your hometown. Even with a very promising job on the line, (y/n) was reluctant to travel home. She'd eventually end up running into an old family friend or schoolmate, which wasn't all that nerve-wracking. What made this journey anxiety-inducing was the prospect of meeting him.

You hadn't seen him in over a decade, and conversation had obviously not been much of a priority to him since you left. The two of you had been best friends at one point, and you still had no idea what happened between you.

Oh yeah, fame and fortune happened.

You and Lin had grown up in the same neighborhood, and your parents were close friends. It was inevitable that the two of you would be forced to spend time with each other, no matter how much both of you resisted. After nearly a year of the two of you avoiding one another, a mutual love of theatre brought you into a careful friendship. From there, the relationship blossomed. The two of you had spent every moment possible together, reenacting scenes from Rent or singing a very out-of-tune rendition of Wicked. You would trust Lin with your life, and he would trust you with his. Of course, while Lin fell deeper into camaraderie, you had fallen deeper into love. Despite your best efforts to suppress it, a fluttering and delicate crush began to take root in your mind, until all you thought about was his goofy smile and stunningly kind words. Your years of schooling past by quickly, lost in a blur of tests and exams. The end of Senior year arrived faster than either of you could ever imagine.

Much to your dismay, Lin was going to Wesleyan, a liberal arts university in Connecticut. You, however, had been accepted to Phillip Merrill, a journalism school in Maryland. You would be far from your best friend and your hometown, leaving you feeling alone and helpless. Lin, of course, promised that he would talk with you whenever possible, updating you on the nature of his life. You pledged to do the same.

First semester went smoothly. Constant conversation, and good grades. Eventually, 'whenever possible' turned into 'whenever convenient'. You talked less and less, seeing as both of you were drowning in heaping piles of schoolwork. That never deterred your friendship. Lin's creative genius never ceased to astound you in every way. He would share ideas with you when he could, looking for your approval before he deemed the idea worth acting on.

It made you feel good, to know that you were still an important part of his life.

Slowly but surely, your small role in his world diminished until you were nothing but a fond reminder of childhood that was off in some other part of the country. Your unrequited feelings began to flicker out as well, but you still smiled every time you saw his name in the news.

He was in the news quite often, after all.

In The Heights, a work of genius, had finally made its way onto Broadway. Journalism jobs were few and far between, so when the opportunity to write an eight-page cover story on a hit Broadway musical popped up, you took it without second thought.

That second thought, however, probably would have been that you would have to interview a certain Lin-Manuel Miranda to get the story done.

Shaking yourself out of reminiscence, you looked up to find the dreary view quickly changing to the busy hubbub of a train station. Gathering the bag you had packed for your week's stay, you merged into the crowd streaming outside. A cacophony of sounds hit your ears almost immediately, but you knew from experience it was nothing compared to what awaited you in the streets of New York. You took another deep breath in. Out. Although nighttime was fast approaching and you had an early morning ahead, muscle memory guided your feet to your favorite hole-in-the-wall.

It was a little book shop that had survived on you and Lin's purchases alone for a few years, and the owner greeted you warmly when you stepped into the familiar room. You returned the welcome with a kind smile and a hug, telling him that you were back home for a week on a business endeavor.

The two of you talked for a bit, discussing books and catching up on a decade of missed conversation. He was talking animatedly about a recent encounter with a rather rude customer when the bell that signaled a new arrival chimed. You turned around, ready to greet this stranger with a smile and a firm handshake. You were instead faced with a scenario you hadn't been prepared to struggle through until tomorrow.

A disheveled and sleep-deprived Lin stood in the doorway, staring at you in shock.

The owner, who's name was Luis, called for Lin to shut the still-swinging door. He did so with robotic movements, face still frozen in a mask of surprise. Time seemed to freeze. You had trouble drawing in a breath deep enough to merit proper brain function, which wasn't very helpful in this current situation.

Scenes of your childhood began to play through your mind, memories of Lin rushing forward with a fresh wave of pain. Seeing his face reopened a wound you weren't ready to address yet. You drew in a deep, very shaky breath.

Luis, bless his soul, was able to detect the tension and scurried safely into a back room to escape the awkward conversation that would inevitably take place. You, however, did not have that luxury. Deciding to break the enveloping silence, you offered a very unsure-sounding "Hi."

Lin was still in a state of shock. "Hey." His eyes began to shift around the room, looking at everything but you.

"So," you began. "Ready for your interview tomorrow?"

He laughed and loosened up considerably. It took him only a few seconds before he stiffened up once again. "How did you know about that? It's going to be for a small magazine, and it's not anything..." He trailed off, finally understanding that you were the interviewer. You surmised he had forgotten that you had gone to get a degree in journalism. You assumed he had forgotten a lot of things since you left, actually.

The awkward atmosphere having made its return, Lin started averting his eyes again. You sighed in frustration, clearly fed up with his dancing on eggshells.

"Look. We stopped talking. I get it. You were too busy with fame and fortune to talk to an old friend. That's alright." You sounded bitter and resentful, despite the thousands of times you had imagined this exact encounter. Another breath and you had enough emotional integrity to continue without crying. "Let's just get this over with, okay? I'll pretend I'm the interviewer, you're being interviewed, and we don't know each other. It'll be fine."

You didn't know if you were assuring yourself or Lin, but it wasn't working. You muttered another "Yeah, It'll be fine..." underneath your breath, even when you were clearly not fine. When you looked back at him, he was slack-jawed and open-mouthed. You had tears in your eyes. "Look, I'm sorry. Taking this job was stupid. I'll go back and have them send someone else. Tell Luis I said bye." You nearly jogged to get past Lin and out of the store, tears threatening to spill onto your cheeks. It took less than a moment for him to spring into action, and before you knew it warm arms were holding you back from the door, clutching you close.

You cried. Hard.

He wrapped his arms around you in a tight hug, holding you despite your efforts to get away. You finally gave in, leaving tear stains on his shirt. Lin held you even closer, rubbing your upper back in a gesture of comfort. It wasn't very comforting. When you looked at his face again, he smiled. You began to profusely apologize and tried to dislodge yourself from his arms. He, thankfully, held on. Quieting your apologies, he almost giggled.

Lin. Giggled. He giggled.

You, probably more out of delirium than hilarity, began to giggle too. He erupted into a full-blown laugh, making you giggle even harder. You might have even snorted once or twice. He quieted and stared at you with adoration.

"God (y/n), you really thought that was why I stopped talking to you? Did you really think you would ever become unimportant to me?" You nodded sheepishly, temporarily assured that a lack of three years correspondence was nothing more than a mishap. He put his hand to his forehead, mumbling a string of curses under his breath. The only one you heard clearly was "I can't believe I'm actually gonna say this out loud..." Which didn't sound very reassuring at the moment. He sighed and looked at you, still smiling.

"Look, (y/n). I have fallen hopelessly in love with my best friend. She is funny, smart, kind, and beautiful in each and every way. I put off talking to her for three long years because I was so fucking afraid that she'll reject me. I'm still really fucking afraid of that." Lin shook his head, losing his smile. "Shit. Just, forget that. I'll, uh, leave now..."

You didn't think. You probably should have. The last thought running through your mind was 'Screw it.', or something along those lines. Then again, most of your decisions have ended with a defeated 'Screw it.'

Instinct caused you to tug on his arm, pulling him back around to face you. It was probably recklessness that made you grab his face and pull him in for a kiss.

He stood in shock, unable to move. You continued nonetheless, confident now that you were sure of his feelings. Lin's hands quickly found their way into your hair, pulling you closer to him.

This was nice. Unexpected, nonetheless, but nice.

After a minute of this wonderful experience, the two of you were forced to part because of humanity's unfortunate need for oxygen. Right now, you needed him. Lin was still in shock, breathless despite the kiss's chasteness. You laughed. So did he. It felt like you were teenagers again, laughing off a blunder in class with books and show tunes. It felt good. So, so good. So, so right. The two of you migrated to your favorite chairs in the corner of the store, comfortably sitting in your childhood thrones. Grinning like an idiot, you posed a very important question.

"So, ready for your interview yet?"

"Definitely. That is if you'll be there to see me?" Lin responded playfully, knowing very well that the two of you would probably arrive at the meeting place together, coffees in hand.

"Hm, that depends. I'll have to rearrange my schedule, but I'll see what I can do." Awkwardness long gone, the two of you engaged in comforting banter. Of course, you each snuck a few kisses in between sentences, but that's beside the point.

It felt good to be home.

#how do i make words word??? Guys?? Help???? Am i official hamiltrash yet or nah

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astreakofgay · 7 years

Text

Today sucked. Absolutely, 100% sucked. Like I cannot believe everything that went wrong. Nothing super bad happened, it was just a bunch of really little things that conspired together to ruin my day. The only reason I didn’t start sobbing at school was a couple of good points that made me feel a little better. I really need the weekend to be here. Tomorrow’s my last day of school this week, but it’s packed and I’m concerned about some things I have to do and they’re making my anxiety spike.

Personal rant under the cut

It actually started yesterday when my bad foot, which just healed from its stupid break, slipped off of the sidewalk into a patch of dirt and grass. My dumb weak ankle is back at it causing injuries. I didn’t rebreak my foot, thank goodness, but it does hurt and I think I may have pulled something.

I woke up in the middle of the night with cramps and nearly panicking. During break yesterday there was a Phi Theta Cappa metting and I had told the lady in charge that I might like to be an officer. Well my anxiety thinks that’s a terrible idea and really wanted me to know it, so I was wide awake until I finally got my mind to calm down by deciding to tell the lady in charge that I changed my mind. I got back to sleep.

I then woke up on time with bad cramps and feeling quite drowsy. I got ready for school and put on my ankle brace that I just found this morning, but my foot and ankle were still hurting and I had trouble making breakfast. I then went to take my morning meds and accidentally took my nighttime meds too, which make me really drowsy. I proceeded then to knock over my full water bottle, drop my backpack, and nearly fall because I stepped on my foot wrong. Just as I was about to leave, I realized that my sweater wasn’t washed last night and since my M/W classrooms are cold, I knew I was going to freeze. I grabbed a too-small jacket from my mom and we headed out the door.

My first class, Western Civilizations II, went fine though I was cold. I even paid better attention than usual because I was expecting my meds to kick in and make it very difficult to concentrate, but they didn’t! Hallelujah for small mercies! At the end we were offered 2 bonus points if we could answer 2 questions right. We were allowed to talk to each other about it, and a couple girls from the back called my name and asked me. I checked my notes and gave them the right answer, and then after class ended, they came to me and asked for advice on their notesheets that we’re allowed on the test. That was actually really sweet and it made me feel much better.

Then, my mom came to pick me up and I decided that since my meds hadn’t kicked in as hard as I expected that I would rest at home for a while and try to make it to psychology. Everything went alright from there until the end of psych, which we were let out of really early because it was just a review day. I voice record all of my classes and apparently didn’t fully turn off my recorder because next thing I knew, I heard beeping and frantically checked my recorder. When I went to turn it off after psych, there were 14 recordings. When I checked it a few minutes later, there were 12. Then my hair got caught in my backpack zipper, which hurt and I think it ripped some hair out. I was on the verge of tears when I called my mom and she came asap to get me.

I came home, tried to figure out which 2 files had been deleted and tried to recover them. I figured out which ones, but couldn’t recover them. I talked to my mom and realized that there’s another person who records the wesciv lectures and I can ask him to send me the one I’m missing. The other missing recording I don’t need. YAY!

Finally, after I took a nap and calmed down, I woke up just after my sister had left for work and she had apparently had a minor fight with mom and mom was left offended and pretty upset. We talked and calmed down. Now I’m making brownies to try to make the day end on a good note. Here’s hoping I don’t burn anything!

And the whole day I was cramping really badly and my back is aching.

So yeah, today sucked.

#personal #bad day #i just really needed to tell someone else about this #me

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liebeztod · 7 years

Text

cheap sex and sad films

Once again, the overwhelming sense of inadequacy inhabits the pit of my stomach. There’s something about your best friends being in love--and happily so--that really puts a sour spin in every sunset and song. Suddenly... it’s hard to sleep again... even when fatigue weighs at my eyes with the day’s worries. My irrationality serves as the best caffeine; keeping me up at night with its usual doldrum anxieties...

Tonight is no different, as I mull over the same insecurities while listening to my own infamous playlist chock-full of songs of self-loathing and/or melancholy.

How do I always end up here? Well, I have wonderful friends, and of course, I want them to be happy. But there was a comfort in not being single alone... what I mean by that is... since Nat and her boyfriend broke up earlier last year, suddenly it was nice not to be the odd one out. However when she started dating again, and we all got together for brunch with she and Juby and their beaux--I the only one without having brought “someone”--suddenly the empty chair to my side felt very noticeable.

Not to mention the comments made a little while later... when Juby’s boyfriend mentioned how he felt sorry for me when I didn’t have anyone to bring to functions, and how setting me up with some mutual friend was the best possible option... suddenly I felt like that Old Maid I always read about in books like Gone With The Wind or Pride & Prejudice... this undesirable old hag who needs her matches made for her...

The thing is, it’s a thought that crosses my mind more often than naught ever since it’s been brought up. I think about it all the time. And I mean this... all the time. I have conversations with myself daily... imaginary, silly discussions about whether it’s an inability of mine to find a SO, or a deep desire of just not wanting one in general.

I entertain both notions.

On the one hand, where’s the good in having a boyfriend? When I think of the men I have been with, or the type of men I attract, I am... disgusted. In my last physical venture, I felt sick to the stomach. Not that the guy I slept with was absurdly unattractive or a bad person, but because I knew I was. Because he mentioned dating, and I was just in it for the meaningless sex.

And then there are all the other men I’ve been with (excluding my darling Martin from Munich) who all had to make some kind of disclosure about my weight... like “you’re pretty for a chubby girl,” or “I like bigger girls” yadda yadda. As someone who still struggles with the comments made to me in my adolescence about my weight, it’s still very hard for me to unlearn the “conventional” body ideals I grew up coveting; and with friends like I had in high school, the jokes made at my behest have made their mark rather permanent.

And then there are the moments when, if I do want to engage a man in what my generation calls “talking,” I am put off by the “busy” trope. Of course, men are always busy when *I* want to start a conversation, or they are short--can’t be bothered. But when the night hours are in session, when a guy has a boner he wants to rub out with the help of my textual expertise, then suddenly they’re Charles Dickens, getting paid by the mouthful.

They’re all the same.

Which brings me to my next point: has my loss of desire in the opposite sex evolved into a straight-up inability on my part to find any necessity in finding an SO? Suddenly I find that I am no longer in want of the occasional hookup, nor do I get the itch to download a dating app, or talk to random men when going out with my friends.

In the now WEEKLY events that my friends suggest introducing me to someone, I panic. I become drenched in dread, and talk my way out of it. Truly.

There is something about the incessant dredge that is “talking” to a guy that feels like I’m going through an embalming process; like when I have to sit through a conversation that sounds like ALL the others, it’s as though my blood is being drained from my body. Every attempt a man makes at flirting makes me roll my eyes; every winky emoji boils my blood, and any indication of “kicking it” or “chilling” is all it takes for me to put down the phone and quit replying.

And I am just tired. When my friends find their weekly opportunity to pitch a new beau to me, it is hard to respectfully decline. Each man I have encountered all seem to be working from the same script... the same stupid jokes they think I’ll find funny... the same nighttime schedule which prompts them to only text me at night when they’re horny and bored.

Love has eluded me.

Life has dealt me the blow of meeting the love of my life at the premature age of 13. It has also added insult to injury by putting him on a completely different continent, ensuring a personal meeting ten years after the fact, and once again separating us by the sole reality of different nationalities, families and incompatibilities.

I think... what did I do in my past life to deserve this? I am being punished for something I cannot remember doing, and to make it worse, I am very much alone in this lifetime sentence of unrequited love.

If I am the villain, and it sure feels that way, I wonder if “tragedy” is inapplicable to my plight. I feel neurotic at times, feeling the way I do for someone I spent a whole of perhaps 30 hours with. But when I psychoanalyze the phone conversations, and try to find hidden meanings in what he says... I chock it up to us being one in the same; beating around the bush, being afraid of saying what we mean, etc., etc.

But, in my momentary laps of sanity, like this moment, I know I am alone in this. P does not work from the same script as all the other idiot men I have let try to woo me; however it is similar, in that he has his own schedule. And similar to my own script, he ignores me, as I ignore the other men.

It is infuriating as much as it is deflating when my text messages and calls to P go unanswered. Especially so this week... now that Nat has found someone new, it feels a bit like salt in the wound; of course, I am happy she is happy. But naturally, there is a envy I do not know how to detach myself from.

It’s one thing to be kept up by my sorrows. But to hear her gush about her insomnia brought on by her happiness and excitement of this new guy is... distressing to say the least.

There is a worry that this feeling will elude me indefinitely, as much as I want it, and as much as I have tried in the past to move on from P. My friends tell me I need to open up, and that I will find someone who is “great,” but hard as I try, I cannot see anything but a man’s ulterior motives, their insincerities, their comments about my weight, their disclosures and disclaimers.

I feel brash enough to say I feel trapped in my love for P; I am a prisoner of my own dissatisfaction for what life has dealt me, and because I am either in love with being sad, or just stupidly devoted for P, or both, I refuse to help myself.

And yet, like some caged bird staring out at other birds, flying free against the blue of the sky, I am jealous of it. Hearing Nat smitten by this new player has me so curious; when was the last time I felt butterflies? At what point did cynicism invade every fiber of my being? I would like to be like my friends who are excited after meeting a nice boy who wants to talk to them, and take them out.

The butterflies in my stomach are lifeless, and are only revived after a word or a ring from P. And when a week or two passes by of not hearing from him, they die again, which is time’s way, I suppose.

The thing is... I do not find other men to be nice. And when they are, they are not. And I know I am not nice. And through my P-tinted glasses every suitor just looks like a poor substitution. And when the humiliation of being single gets to be too much, I will finally do just what I am most afraid of doing: settle.

It is just hard going on three years of this accursed want for P, feelings that have only gotten stronger with the distance and time and the reality that I will most likely never see him again. In being denied the only person I have ever wanted, you would hope this makes me a better person but I doubt it can.

In lieu of the the melancholy that keeps me up all night, I will reside in the memories where he felt attainable and hope they will suffice.

#lwta #dating #personal #drea diaries

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