#and i feel so down and hopeless. i can't make myself feel excited about things. i have hardly any motivation

[lovelaceisntdead]

i think i just need to rewatch lost.

#that will fix me i think. #because i am doing. bad. i know i have not been keeping this a secret but i feel very stuck and i don't really know what to do. #my general anxiety levels are much higher than they usually are and um. i don't really know why. which then just makes it worse. #and i feel so down and hopeless. i can't make myself feel excited about things. i have hardly any motivation #and no energy to do anything even if i did #like yellowjackets s3 starting production and i just don't feel excited about it and it's making me really sad #and I'm getting upset about things that i feel silly for getting upset about and i can't say anything because I'm embarrassed #for being upset in the first place #i feel so incredibly disconnected from everyone around me it's so hard to talk to anyone #I'm running on autopilot most of the time at the moment #and I'm finding it so hard not to push people away. but at the same time i feel so out of place and I'm dissociating a lot so. #idk whay I'm saying with this #i just feel like i need to get stuff out because i feel so anxious i might explode #and with the weather getting warmer a lot of my physical symptoms are flaring up. anf being in this house is so suffocating #i feel like i can inly exist in this perpetual state of fine. can't be any worse can't be any better #I'm just constantly pretending that I'm just Okay because it's easier than having to deal wirh anything else. but i know I'm really just #causing myself more harm. #I'm done now. just trying to relieve some of the pressure i am feeling in my whole entire body.

[gyunmiraculous]

If You Would Stay

Fandom: Miraculous Ladybug

Pairing(s): Luka Couffaine/Reader, Minor Background Juleka/Rose

WC: 1.2k

Genre: FLUFF. pure fluff, that's it~

A/n: Okay, I haven't written in 1st pov in YEARS now but I really really love Luka and I wanted to write something for him! This is not as good as usual for me but I still hope you enjoy it :) I can't believe this is the first thing I wrote for this fandom ㅠㅠ

Also readable on ao3 here!

✿

Clear strums of the guitar echoed around the deck of Liberty the moment I stepped on it. My eyes immediately flitted to where a familiar tall figure was sitting, his instrument gently held like one would do a lover. Luka's eyes were on the fretboard but his smile spoke that he knew I was there.

The thought of him smiling because of me made me flush, even if it was merely wishful thinking. Before I could make my way over to him, I felt a hand slip around mine. Rose looked at me with a bright smile as she dragged me to where she had kept her lyric notebook open.

"You have to read it and tell me what you think!" She said, buzzing with excitement. I looked around but couldn't see Juleka, which Rose noticed and leaned in to say in a whisper, "I made her go away so I could show this to you in secret. It's a song I wrote for her…"

"Oh!" I gasped, my face lighting up. There was really nothing more romantic than having someone write a song for you, in my opinion. To see Rose do something like this for Juleka was very heartwarming. "That's such a lovely idea, Rose! I'm sure she would absolutely love it."

"I hope so too," Rose giggled through her nervousness and pressed her notebook in my hand so I could give her my feedback. I read through the words on the paper slowly, building their story in my head based on them.

"This is so good, Rose," I said in awe once I was done, looking around to check that Juleka still hadn't come back. "She will cry. I know I would if someone wrote me a song like this. I shouldn't have expected any less of our resident hopeless romantic."

I nudged her playfully but Rose, in her excitement, swatted at me harder than I expected, making me lose balance and falling down on my butt. I mumbled a small "ow!" of pain at that. Rose gasped and leaned down, apologising over and over as she helped me stand up.

"It's okay, Rose," I reassured her as I dusted off the back of my jeans. A warm hand suddenly rested on my shoulder, making me flinch in surprise. I turned around to find Luka staring down at me in concern from a very close distance. Too close.

My face flushed at the proximity and panicking, I flung my arm outward but instead of getting pushed back, Luka caught my arm in time, as gentle as ever.

"Easy there," he said softly, lowering our hands but not letting my wrist go. My brain malfunctioned at the prolonged contact and I just let out an incoherent, "huh?" before realising that I was being weird.

"Uh, I mean, I'm sorry Luka!" I blushed, embarrassed at myself. He just laughed, waving it off.

"Are you okay though?" He asked, features contorting into an expression of concern again. "Does it hurt anywhere?"

"Why would I get hurt, silly, I almost hit you!" I laughed nervously.

"I meant your fall, (y/n)."

Oh.

"Oh that," I said sheepishly, feeling foolish again. Ugh. Why does this always happen around Luka?! "I'm fine. It… doesn't hurt."

Luka studied me carefully for a few seconds then nodded, a smile taking over his face again. Someone cleared their throat in the background causing the two of us to startle. He dropped my hand in the process but I was too swamped looking at the now present Kitty Section to fully let the disappointment sink in. Juleka looked amused while Rose looked positively aglow, like she had discovered a mine of treasure. Oh no.

"Oh, hey guys," I said in panic, not wanting her to even blurt out about my crush on Luka. No, nope. We are not going to touch uncharted territories. "Juleka, did you hear the song?"

"What song?" She asked, confused. Rose's smile dropped in alarm and she grabbed her notebook real quick.

"Why don't you ask Rose?" I said with a teasing smile, relaxing now that the attention was off me. Juleka looked inquiringly at her girlfriend who blushed. The blond held her hand for a second before tugging her inside to where her room was. Ivan just shot me and Luka a small smile before settling down where Rose was sitting and getting his phone out. Probably to talk with Mylene.

"Hey, (y/n)?" Luka's voice sounded hesitant and I looked up at him curiously through the corner of my eyes. Upon closer inspection, I realised his cheeks seemed to be dusted with pink. But, it couldn't possibly be because of me… right? "There's… something I want to show you. I mean, something I want you to hear."

"Yeah?" I smiled encouragingly. He rubbed the back of his neck and I realised that for the first time, I was seeing Luka Couffaine being nervous. It evoked a bit of hesitancy in me too; because what could make Luka nervous? Calm, kind and mature Luka? Was it something bad?

Before my thoughts could spiral into more worrisome concerns, he picked up my hand that he had dropped and gently tugged it to beckon me over to where he was sitting before. We crossed over there and he immediately picked up the guitar he had been playing when I had appeared. My mind cleared the doubts; Luka wanted me to listen to a song.

"W- well," he lightly scratched the tip of his nose, cheeks flushing more. His eyes flitted around everywhere except my face. "I guess Rose and I had the same idea…"

Huh?

I stood there dumbfounded as Luka started playing the guitar. The music was soft but clear, and the words spilling out of his mouth tugged at my heartstrings.

"...You are the song stuck inside my head,

You are the one, that's what my heart said,

The tune I hear at any time of the day,

You are my song, so if you would stay…"

If he had the same idea as Rose… then did that mean Luka wrote a song for me? Were these words for me? My brain went into overdrive just as Luka finished the song with one last strum. He looked up at me hopefully, lips pressed into a nervous smile.

"...you wrote this for me?" I asked quietly after a few seconds of silence. He nodded shyqly, cheeks heating up even more than before. I could feel my own cheeks mirroring the action. "Luka, that was such a sweet song! To say that I'm the song stuck inside your head… Oh, I am not as good at making music like you to tell you this, but Luka. You are the music that my heart beats to."

"(Y/n)," he placed the guitar aside and stood up, arms coming around to wrap my waist in his hold. He brushed away the hair that was whipping onto my face from the wind and placed a gentle kiss on top of my forehead. "Will you do me the honour of having you not just in my heart and head… but also in my arms to hold?"

I smiled and got onto my tiptoes, sneaking in to press a butterfly kiss on Luka's lips. The action made him close his eyes and the blush on his cheeks rose again. I giggled.

"Only if you do the same to me."

#miraculous ladybug #luka couffaine #luka x reader #luka couffaine x reader #juleka couffaine #rose lavillant #juleka x rose #fanfic #mlb au #miraculous fanfic #gyunmiraculousau #oneshot

[unmaskingdisability]

So you want to die (but shouldn't do that)

A list of ways I force myself to keep going even when my entire body is on fire & my brain feels like it's going through a cheese grater

MAKE A PLAN WITH SOMEONE YOU ACTUALLY LIKE - Not a friend you have to gear yourself up to hang out with. A good friend, that will cost low spoons, and plan to do something you enjoy. Nothing extravagant that requires a lot of energy, and it doesn't even have to be in the imminent future. Make a dinner plan for next week and think about that lilac lemonade you've been wanting to make for them. Make a plan to hang out later this month and watch anime with your friend that's good at bullshitting and making you laugh. You won't want to do this when you can't imagine leaving your bed. Do it anyways.

DRAG YOUR EXHAUSTED ASS OUTSIDE - Dress in as many layers as you need or just wrapped in a blanket. Wear sunglasses and headphones if you need. Don't force yourself to do anything, except being outside for at least a few minutes. Sometimes it's cold and wet and all I can handle is walking out for a minute. Sometimes it's warmer and pleasant and now I'm exhausted slumped in the sun or under a pine tree instead of in a dark dirty (mine is anyways bc of the wanting to die and pain) room

VENT - Look I'm the master hypocrite. I run a disability group and I still haven't told pretty much anyone in my life I had to quit my job after my body broke down too far too fast. I advocate emotional vulnerability all day and will legitimately enact it constantly, about everything except how fucking miserable and hopeless and depressed and in pain and scared I am. You don't want to tell anyone because you're convinced they already hate you or are about to leave. I'm not gonna say you need to get over that tonight. But you gotta get it out of your head and your muscles and your body. You've gotta write or draw or splash paint (I will literally fingerpaint just colors sometimes) or hack up invasive plants or make poetry or cry to the person you do feel comfortable talking to. You've gotta get it out You've gotta get it out and also! If being honest about your life and difficulties does push people away fuck them!! Community is everything and that's something they never were, so it's space for something real

GO SOMEWHERE NEW AND BEAUTIFUL - This is one of the hardest things to do when depressed, but if helps so much when you can get yourself somewhere new & exciting and show your brain good things are still happening. For me, this looks like going to a new park, or science/art museum, or to see some pretty lights strung up for the holidays. Nowhere so crowded or busy it'll be too overwhelming, you just need to show your brain everything isn't awful static and get some dopamine pumping.

I'll keep adding to this because I'm full of too much spite and exhaustion and reluctant extreme caring so much to leave you all alone in this shithole

#depression #suicide #suicidal #chronic pain #disability #fatigue #cripplepunk #cpunk #i cant fix the body or mind being on fire but i can tell you the ways i pull myself #white knuckled and resentful and exhausted #on to the next day that isnt so fucking awful #madpunk

[peach-and-bugs]

To celebrate Taylor Swift releasing her international tour dates (which I personally am super excited for, and have every intention of going), would like to ask (if you want to of course), who out of all of the Yellow Jackets (modern day and/or 90's, it's up to you) would be Swifties?

Maybe as a bonus, what would there favourite song or album be?

-🐝

oh, this is another fun one! I love assigning random things to the girls, lol.

Honestly, I think all of the girls would enjoy/casually listen to Taylor, but if we're talking about who is a Swiftie:

it's Jackie, Misty, and maybe Shauna. But the ultimate, head Swfity of the group is definitely Laura Lee

But let's do albums and songs! This is solely just based on my taste and how I view things. I'm not really on the level of being a Swifty myself, but I am a causal Tayler enjoyer if that makes sense.

All of these are with the teen/1996 version of the girls in mind, btw. you can think of it as a modern Au if you like

Yellowjackets Favorite Taylor Swift Albums & Songs

Jackie - 1989

✰ 1989 is probably one of, if not my favorite album because I got it for Christmas the year it came out on cd, which I still have actually! I used to blast it on the vintage boombox I had growing up

✰ but back to Jackie! 1989 just has this vibe of "I'm really going out and I'm starting my life! I'm an adult!" and that was kinda the stage Jackie was at when the plane went down. She was planning for college with big dreams and ambitions behind her

✰ I really think every song on this album fits her for different reasons, but I think her favorite song would probably be How You Get The Girl. I like to think she imagines the song with Jeff, but then one day, Shauna slips into her daydream instead of Jeff, and then very gay thoughts ensue

Laura Lee - Debut & Fearless

✰ I feel like Debut for Laura Lee might be a bit of a copout, but come on! I'm not wrong. It's got that kitschy, country vibe that I can imagine Laura Lee just singing her heart out too

✰ Her favorite song is Teardrops On My Guitar because its the best and girly deserves her pining main character moment just like we all do

✰ Fearless always kinda goes hand in hand with Debut to me since it's when she was still kinda in her country era, so I think Laura Lee would also adore this one. It was actually tricky for me to choose what her favorite on this album would be, but I settles on Tell Me Why because I think it's funny for her to love breakup songs, because let's face it, our girl hasn't gone through a breakup, but she can't help resonating and loving them anyway

Lottie - Evermore

✰ Evermore just felt like another given. It's got that vintage yet whimsical vibe that I like to associate with Lottie that's also got this sad warmth to it I guess. It's also probably one of my favorite albums so of course I give it to one of my favorite girls

✰ I think her favorite song is a tie between Ivy and Long Story Short. I'm not really sure why. They just both fit in my head I guess

Misty - Lover & Midnights

✰ Oh, my sweet hopeless romantic. Misty is the embodiment of both of these albums and no one can argue with me (of course you can, I'm joking). But poor thing just wants to be seen and loved, and I think that's what these albums embody when paired together.

✰ Lover perfectly fits how Misty wants to be loved so bad and the sweet, innocent positive face she forces, but really she's hurting inside. I think from this album her favorites would be The Archer because come on, it's her, and Paper Rings because again, it just fits her so well (it's also got quite a few lines that are definitely what she's doing when she's got a crush)! She's definitely one of those girls making little origami things in class, like those puffy paper stars and of course, paper rings

✰ Then you have Midnights, which imma be real, I only picked because of Mastermind, because it's also her song!

Natalie - Reputation

✰ Yeah, this is another given. I mean, what else do I choose for her? modern teen Natalie would love this album but she wouldn't want anyone to know about it. I think she could also be a Swiftey, but she's very secretive about it. Maybe only Laura Lee knows she's a fan and it's their little secret together

✰ Her favorite song was kinda hard to pick for her, but I settled on Delicate because it's actually extremely fitting for her character, which surprised me when I listened to it again. I personally see teen Natalie as being pretty self continue under the surface, so realizing that she likes someone and they like her back would actually be pretty nerve-wracking for her, which feels fitting for "delicate"

Shauna - Folklore

✰ I went back and forth between Evermore and Folklore for Shauna, but ultimately Lottie is Evermore and Shauna is Folklore in my mind. They both have this sad, old aesthetic to me that fits both albums but in a different way, I guess

✰ but for her favorite song, I picked Cardigan because that felt like another given. I mean, we all saw the way she was watching Jackie at that part pre-crash, right? It was full of that longing you feel In Cardigan

Taissa - Red

✰ I feel like Tai would enjoy early Taylor, but she's more into her kinda pop era, which would make Red the perfect album for her. It's got its up songs as well as its down songs and it fits her ever-changing vibe, which I think is good for her

✰ Choosing a favorite song was another tough one to think about, but I ended up picking State of Grace. It's another one that I don't have a lot of reasoning/explanation for, but it just kinda felt right, y'know?

Van - Speak Now

✰ Van has always felt somewhat country to me and I'm not sure why, so I guess that's fitting for Speak Now. Speak Now kinda gives a nice transition from country into Taylers more pop-ish era, and that just kinda sounds like Van to me. Like, she grew up in the Midwest, but she still somehow has a little Southern charm about her. That could totally just be a me thing though

✰ Her favorite songs have got to be Mean and The Story Of Us. I can imagine Van blasting both of them in the car, singing at the top of her lungs with the windows down, and a huge smile on her face when she's driving around with her friends. We know Van likely doesn't have a car in her teen years, so she's probably driving with Tai and probably Laura Lee. they like singing together to annoy Tai, though she actually enjoys listening to them

#◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ kay's at it again♡ #◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡chit chat with kay♡ #ask box #yellowjackets fanfic #yellowjackets #yellowjackets x reader #yellowjackets thoughts #yellowjackets headcanons #Taylor swift songs #taylor swift yellowjackets #jackie taylor #jackie taylor headcanons #laura lee #laura lee headcanons #misty quigley #misty quigley headcanons #natalie scatorccio #natalie scatorccio headcanons #lottie matthews #lottie matthews headcanons #shauna shipman #shauna shipman headcanons #taissa turner #taissa turner headcanons #vanessa palmer #vanessa palmer headcanons #van palmer #van palmer headcanons #🐝 anon

[starberrywander]

I recently figured out that my enneagram type is actually 9w1 and not 1w9. Idk how many of my followers actually care about the Enneagram but this is big news for me because I've been realizing so much stuff from this. It's so exciting!

I started looking into the enneagram as a writing tool, but the podcast I found to learn more about it is focused on personal growth so I've been learning so much more than I expected. One of the things it motivated me to do when I actually narrowed down what my type is and why, is start using a diary.

I'm mainly doing it to become more aware of my own thoughts and emotions. I'm only two days in and I accidentally started writing with the book upsidedown, so now the ribbon bookmark is facing up and I think that's funny. But anyway I wanted to share something I wrote today that just really hit me in the heart,

"I think my discontent with life comes from the fact that I've convinced myself that I want to achieve, but my actual fulfillment comes from being, from experiencing, from connecting. Contentment always feels so far out of reach because I've convinced myself that I am chasing after the completion of goals when I'm actually chasing a state of being."

And just. Wow. That's paraphrased because I don't have my diary with me right now but it made me realize something soo big. I've always been trapped in my imagination, thinking of all these things I wish I could experience but feeling incapable of creating the reality that would bring them to me. And as a result I get into cycles of feeling down and hopeless, sleeping until the emotion goes away, distracting myself with entertainment, remembering injustice and wanting to push back against it, then getting burnt out and depressed by my inability to change anything without sacrificing my connection to the people who are my anchors, and repeating the cycle.

And this time when the depression hit me I decided to just explore it. Write what I was feeling and everything that came to my mind without analyzing it and see where it went. And it just told me right away that I need to stop chasing goals. They aren't fulfilling me. They aren't helping me. They're just distractions and I need to practice just being. Just existing. I can't rely on the external to bring me contentment, that has to come from within. It is impossible to bend reality into perfection to make me happy, but it is possible to change my own patterns to become happier.

This is huge. And it will take time to break my habit of disconnecting. But now I actually am aware of it and of what's going on inside me and that's huge. I wanted to share because this means so much and I need to get it out there. I use my blog as a way of releasing my thoughts into the world and while it may not be as vulnerable as my actual diary this feels like exactly the right place to share this.

#enneagram #personality types #typology #personal growth #enneagram 9 #type 9 #9w1 #journaling #diary #vulnerability #mental health #emotional

[mambalae-s]

hi hi mamba, i want to start this off with a congrats and a thank you so much for putting in the work and the energy to do this event. i really appreciate it so much and i'm so so proud of you. you're doing wonderful, darling !

for your event, i actually can't decide myself so i'm going to give you the choice to pick for me between toji and satoru from jjk - (i really really hope you're not indecisive and are able to work well under pressure ! but you can let me know if you need me to choose one);

this might need a bit of a trigger warning, but something i'm still learning to love about myself is my weight and my body. i kinda struggle with my eating habits a little bit sometimes and i won't go into detail but it's something that i'm working on :)

as far as my personality goes, i would describe myself as someone who speaks her mind and usually doesn't hold back from doing so (mostly bc i think honesty is the best policy in any kind of relationship). and um this might be kind of contradicting, but at the same time i also isolate myself from loved ones when i'm feeling down or pressured and keep everything to myself bc i don't like arguing/conflict. my friends describe me as having a sarcastic sense of humour and say that i roll my eyes a lot but they also think i'm very very sweet because i flirt with them often just for fun hehe. i'm mostly an introvert because i need to have my alone time but when i'm feeling charged then i'm able to make friends very very quickly. and my dad says it's because i'm empathetic and always know what to say when it comes to ppl hehe. (ahh this is getting too long... i just love talking about myself. i'll try wrapping it up quickly!) some other things you should know about me: i'm a hopeless romantic, don't like horror, am a total daydreamer, i write romance, fanfiction, and poetry, pink is my favourite colour, i'm a lipgloss/lipstick addict (and collect them for fun even when i don't need them), spring is my favourite season, my love language is physical touch, i'm an infp, and if it's important for the moodboard i'm south asian!

let's keep this sfw for ease, so i'll end it by describing my dream date with both men. you can then choose which one you'll do!

1. i know satoru's really really tall, but i just picture toji being taller and bigger in my head so i have this headcanon that i'm like half his size (for reference, i'm 5'3-ish) and in my head we are just grumpy x sunshine couple all the way. dream date with toji would be us going to the amusement park (my fav place on earth) and just being kids tbh. i'd force him to wear cutesy animal headbands and ride the rollercoaster and the ferris wheel with me and we'd stand in long long lines just talking and he would probably whine and complain about everything but he'd put up with it for me (also i'd probably manipulate him with my big eyes and my own bratty attitude ^^)

2. with satoru, i feel like since he's pretty childish in a relationship, i'd definitely act more bossy/mature with him as a result. (he'd look so pretty taking orders, wouldn't he?) dream date with satoru would just be a stay at home date. we'd start off by cooking dinner and dessert together, then have a spa night, and end it by doing a disney movie marathon together. he's so money i just have the urge to show him that we can do things without spending so much or going out to fancy restaurants and stuff.

anyway, i'm sorry for making this so long. as you can tell, i'm a talker. i'll leave the choice up to you for which boy to pick, but i just want to say thank you in advance. i love u sm mamba. congrats again baby doll <33

my beloved safi!! my dearest angel!! i’m so so soooo excited to do your request!! genuinely kicked my feet and did a little dancy dance when i saw your ask and i started searching for your pics as early as 4am before work! as soon as you mentioned sunshine x grumpy, you’d gotten me on team toji! im gonna make the prettiest, cutest, sweetest boards and scenarios for you, because you truly are as bright as the sun and you deserve the world! hugging you sooooo warmly!

also please don’t feel bad for telling me as much as you did!’ it makes me happy to learn about you all during these little events!

╰┈➤ cherry blossom lips — safi x toji

╰┈➤ song — pov by ariana grande

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 one of the first things that really drew toji to you was your smile. he finds the way your eyes light up and crinkle ever so slightly ever so enchanting. he’s so entirely enraptured, you have no idea just how much!

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 i’ve said this for others as well, but toji’s also the kind of lover who is very attentive to you and your likes. i also think that he spoils you quite a bit! he’ll take note of your collection of lipglosses and lipsticks and whenever he’s out, he always keeps his eyes open for ones that he thinks you’ll like.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 if you only ask him once, he’ll help you pick out a lovely combination for your days and contemplates very intensely on what look he thinks would work well! he’s very involved surprisingly and loves to see the way you switch things up every now and then, and finds it really cute when you keep returning to favourites time and time again.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 i also think he’d be very playful and loves to kiss your glossy lips, if only to taste the sweet flavours as he licks the tint from his own lips, keeping his eyes locked on yours with your chin between his fingers as he tells you how sweet you taste.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he’s very perceptive to you and your feelings and always looks out for you as best as he can. he knows just how much you care for others around him, and him especially, always making sure that he’s alright, asking him about his day and of anything that he may have on his mind.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he might not be very vocal about it, but his way of reassuring you is at first to pull you in for a long hug. he rests his chin on top of your head and just holds you close to him, hands stroking your back and waist and taking slow, deep breaths so that you’ll follow his lead. especially during moments when he notices you quietly hurting, he’ll always mutter loving reassurances that he’s here for you, and that you don’t have to push yourself to talk to him until you’re ready — just know that he’s there for you

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he also knows how much you try to show yourself love, especially when it comes to your body. toji can tell whenever you’re having a hard time showing yourself the love he feels for you, and his way of reminding you of that love is by initiating physical contact in very intimate ways!

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 not intimate as in sexual, but he’ll lay down with you and shower your entire body with kisses, reaching beneath your clothes with his fingers and taking his time to let each kiss linger, with little whispers of everything he loves, every part of you that you’re still learning to love on yourself. like i said, he’s extremely intentional, so know that all of those kisses and light touches are overflowing with love he feels deep inside his heart, because he’ll be there to love you until — and even after — you’ve fully grown to love yourself the way he does

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 when you ask him one day to visit an amusement park with you, he doesn’t think twice about saying yes! sure, he might act like he has zero interest in wearing those cute headbands with you, but he’d do anything just to make you happy!

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 sure, he’ll say that it won’t look good on him and that it’ll make him look silly, but how can he say no to those pleading eyes and pouty lips of yours? in the end, he’ll let you stuff his mouth full of cotton candy and grumble as you set cute mickey mouse ears atop his head — and don’t tell anyone, but he melts like putty at the way you light up and boop his nose, a little red faced as you tell him how cute he looks

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he’ll even match with you to wear pink themed outfits! if it’s a colder time of the year when you both go, he’ll buy you both pink lilo onesies ahead of time so that you can wear them together! absolutely loves the pictures you both take and sets them as your contact photo, his wallpaper, all so that he can see the way you smile at the camera while his soft gaze is trained on you

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 now this is a secret, but toji gets a little squeamish in high places, so he’s a little nervous at first about going on the roller coasters and ferris wheels, but it’s all so worth it as he gets to hear your joyful squeals and laughter, watching your eyes crinkle as you belt out all these happy noises. the fact that you’re enjoying yourself makes him all the more pleased and he takes his own enjoyment purely from you.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he knows how you love the romantic things in life, so he takes you to the biggest ferris wheel in the park at night when all the lights shine like colourful stars. he wraps his arm around you and admires you admiring the scene around you, leaning into his embrace and just taking in the moment. he can’t stop himself from thinking just how precious you are to him, how much he loves you, and would absolutely tear the world apart to keep you safe.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 when your cart reaches the highest point of the ride, he lets himself go and pulls you in for a sweet kiss, letting it last for seconds that feel like years and mere moments to him as he drinks you in for all that you are, pouring into you every poem he’s secretly written in his heart for you. he whispers to you how much you love him, “until the end of time, safi… i’ll always love you, even after then.”

mamba celebrates 100 followers — jjk and haikyuu selfship event!

#olympia. #jjk x reader #jjk imagine #jjk selfship #jjk fluff #ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ safi! #i adore you safi! #you deserve the whole world and all its joys!

[pellelavellan]

life things that aren't positive under the cut that i may delete later

i want to try to take a stab at being better about writing replies and doing things with my free time that aren't just laying around existing but things have been like....really rough for like the last six months like the entirety of the year and it has been a process just trying to not feel like hopeless, insane, or like a burden to everyone around me emotionally, mentally, and financially.

The current things that are draining me is I'm in the middle of moving and it is terrifying. I am supposed to be moving in with a friend ad I've been trying to speak that into existence as much as possible because the truth is I need it to happen. It isn't a life decision made out of strong desire or excitement it's purely survival. The last few years livig alone have been constant stress, not having enough money for anything, and the very real fear that if i ever fell into an emergency I have no safety net. The lack of communication or organization of this move preently y no fault of my own is stressing me the fuck out, and trying to cooperate with other people on something as important as moving is really just bringing to light how little I trust people/feel i hold any value in people's lives and that's just an ugly thing to stare in the face everyday.

The second thing is actually difficult to write and has been for MONTHS because I hate that I either deep down still care and don't wanna fuck someone over or don't think I'll be believed issss June is kind of difficult for me this year.

In January-February I was the happiest I've been in a long time and that quickly changed to me being kind of the worst I've been mentally in years. The three words 'I was abused' have been so hard for me to say and I simply just keep talking about my ex in a way that is like oh yeah my ex was weird or mean or just sharing stories about her without specifying who she is. It actually feels really bad that I feel like I can't talk about how i was in an abusive relationship that while short lived has done so much damage.

Maybe it is my fault that I fell so fast and so hard and believed every lie she told me, maybe it's hers for lying to me. I don't know. The point is this relationship ruined my life in more ways than one.

My trust in people being nice to me? huge decline

Being told by someone they love you just for them to berate and tell you no one could ever actually love you, and just generally being a hateful person? Yes I acknowledge she was hateful and cruel in the way she lifted me up and then pick out every single thing I'd ever told her I didn't like about myself and spit it back in my face. The damage is still there.

Feeling so safe with someone and so seen for the first time in a dating relationship just to have that ripped away feels horrible.

Lovebombing, emotional abuse of silent treatments, manipulation, and gaslighting. Bad time. Harassment post breakup for weeks that carried on all the way to emails once she ran out of ways to contact me that had me double locking my doors for week? all very bad.

Financially wise, she moved in with me very quickly even before we dated cause I felt sympathy for her breaking up with her boyfriend and not feeling welcome at home. She was very hard on with bringing all her belongings over and wanted to talk about making a little home together. I let her. She wanted to help pay the bills and did and made me feel safe enough to quit my second job and let her take some of the burden off.

We had a disagreement once. I wouldn't even call it that. She got upset with me once and moved out with no explanation and left me entirely unprepared to have to pick up all of the bills alone again. It put me behind and I still several months later have not bee able to catch up. There was a period of time I had no insurance, could not really afford food, had a hard time being at work cause we worked together so I called in a lot (she also stole from me at work).

Where June comes in is we talked a lot about going to pride together. She had never been and was recently out to her friends. I was excited to finally be able to go with a partner I really loved and cared about (mind you I had a crush on her before we got together for months), and she was excited to get into being queer out loud.

Now it is June, she is gone, she abused me, I have not recovered from her abuse emotionally or financially tbh, and the thought of going to pride between her, and just knowing people in the queer community here who haven't been kind to me over the years has put a bad taste in my mouth about even being present in the queer community here. I couldn't even afford a ticket anyways but I just feel a way about going. I don't really feel like I belong, not really.

I'm at a point of like if anyone locally cares about me it would be really nice if they told me so. I feel very alone most days, hopeless, not worthy of love or friendship, and like I have to keep the amount of pain or things I feel to myself and just downplay the current state of mind I've been in for a while if only to not garner pity, not be believed, or have my feelings invalidated or downplayed by someone else.

TLDR I need a vacation and a break from living because I'm exhausted and the stress of moving and the crippling desire to be someone to someone is exhausting.

Probs will delete this later. Thanks for reading if ya did. Still hesitating to press post. dunno why talking about abuse makes me feel annoying or like a nuisance or like I'm bad mouthing someone but here we are.

#ooc #out of quizzy #cw negative #long post

[ed1999e]

Bipolaria

I feel dirty and broken when I open my eyes in the morning. Physical nausea and hateful feeling running like cold water on my shoulders. The weight of the wave of hopelessness that hits me gives my body physical and I get physical symptoms such as currents in my back, nausea, stiffness in my neck and shoulders. I can feel my ribs move when I breathe. The nights feel like I'm sailing on a boat that has rocked all night. Waking up tired. If I have had dreams that are visual I wake up exhausted. Drenched in sweat in the middle of the night. I dream so intensely that my soul feels empty in the first hours of the day, which means that both I and other strangers around me can notice that I am down. I feel helpless. When I look in the mirror I get tears in my eyes. I hate the mirror. becomes dizzy. Everything around me is messy, unsystematic and insanely oddly sorted. I get anxiety. Can't find anything. I panic and my thoughts are at such a speed that I freeze. Eyes hurt. The dark thoughts and visions flash before my eyes. Wants to go to the bathroom to pee, but can't. Everything is locked and I freeze with my gaze while my eyes tremble.

I can't stand the taste of toothpaste and my body gets goosebumps from putting the toothbrush in my mouth. Flashbacks of mucus and saliva, of being spat on and I vomit. My hands are dripping with sweat, I can't draw my brows. I CAN'T DRAW MY EYEBROWS. My sins! The wounds I have scratched on my face from anxiety show through the makeup. Descending into a spiral of stress and anxiety taking over my muscles. The wound is so deep that yellow pus drips from it. The negative voices in my head are so brutal that I want to scream as loud as I can. Walks around like a badger. I feel a sadness that cannot be described in words and a lump in my throat that cannot be swallowed. Disconnect baby, we're not real. Bury me.

Then one day I wake up and feel like a strong person. feeling excited and horny. Intense feeling of having to take care of myself. I shop more. I plan more, I write long notes in my journal. We are talking about big plans here! Let me open something, create something. Give me a task and I attack the target like a hungry tiger. Don't think about it, I'll fix it! I am your strongest supporter, dear friend! My heart is in this. Everyone is welcome on my team. I direct the energy in the room. Everything I look at is so beautiful. Humans are so beautiful. I synchronize with nature, energy and atmosphere. Has been gifted to be in touch with an extraterrestrial frequency and born with the "how hard can it be" gene. Insanely quick to learn new things. Talking to strangers is zero problem. As others have described me - salesman, persuasive, intelligent. Can you feel my heat? I see you, I hear you. Join me in taking over the world, friend. Head up, see such nice trees! I can physically and psychologically feel the butterflies in my stomach explode. Deeply romanticizes the music, obviously it's me they're singing about as I walk through the painfully gorgeous concrete floor someone decided to make. but if I could decide

I hadn't felt anything

at all

for the lovely stone cold concrete floor and for you. Imagine that someone could decide how much they should pour in to create such a beautiful, even, balanced, stable road as this. if only I could decide how much to pour into everything like that

#bpd #living with ptsd #bp2 #manic depressive #short poem #poem #depressing quotes #tw depressing thoughts #anxienty #sadbeautifultragic #sad poetry #sad poem #poems on tumblr #anxiety disorder #disordered eating thoughts #ptsd problems #abuse recovery

[blessed-her-like-achoo]

Fall nights.

Daydream believers.

Young love.

I call her by her first initial.

She calls me babe & it's so cute.

Soft rain.

A cool breeze.

Loud city streets.

She sits for hours doing crosswords while I listen to music and just watch her.

This must be what marriage feels like.

Non-complacent.

My Kind of Blue by Miles Davis.

She's my kind of happy.

Oh, how things change.

Seems like forever since I felt anything, but especially since I felt this way.

We hold hands, fingers intertwined while we walk down sidewalks.

She moves me with her eyes the way people can't even reach me with their words.

I have spent years building these walls as sturdy as pyramids, that she so boldly and bravely removes brick by brick.

Easy.

She doesn't do things to appease me.

She does things on her own time with her own heart in mind.

She tells me when I'm wrong, she even tells me no.

And I don't take it as rejection, I take it as acceptation that things aren't always gonna go my way.

Not right now, but maybe the next day.

She's a hopeless romantic and not in the sappy way.

She doesn't plan our life together instead she prays that we have one, and lives everyday to the fullest.

She doesn't send mushy text messages.

She doesn't stalk me via Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.

She doesn't say things like 'I trust you' because when it rains you don't need someone to tell you, you can just feel it.

She is sincere and within that is the beauty of us.

We sword fight with light sabers when reality is all too much.

We build forts and cuddle while talking about all of our dreams.

She makes sure that I don't allow myself to get too black and white because she knows how beautiful my colors shine.

She likes to turn the living room into a ballroom.

She likes to make our bedroom into a sanctuary.

Shake all the bad of the day away and let it go down the shower drain.

She likes to cook together even if the kitchen is too small.

She stumbles past me towards the refrigerator giving details about her day.

And just when I think I'll move out of her way she pulls me in for a kiss.

We end up making love on the kitchen counter only to be stopped by a pot of boiling water that begins to overflow with noodles.

She laughs as she cleans up the mess and I just stand back and smile.

We invite our friends over.

I find myself watching her interact with them.

How breathtakingly beautiful she is.

Her laugh.

The way she says my name.

Her voice.

The way she growls out her words sometimes or gets real high pitched when she's excited.

Sometimes this is all too much.

Sometimes it all feels like a dream but then I wake up and she's still here.

So instead of run or push her away..

I latch on like this is the first...

The last...

The only time I'll give all of myself to someone.

Because in the back of my mind

And with every beat of my heart I hope it is.

[a-moth-to-the-light]

Fruits Basket Diaries, #7: Conclusion

[see part 1 here]

[see part 6 here]

I mentioned in part 2 that I was planning to do an analysis on Shigure somewhere in this series. Well, I've tried drafting it a few times now, and I still have no idea how to string my thoughts on him together. I think that writing about him would require another reading of the series, so that's something for me to look forward to! A note on why he's my favorite character (tied with Ayame, of course) for curious parties, though: suffice it to say that I get very anxious when I feel like I'm being controlled, so Shigure, with his air of uninvolvement in, well, pretty much everything, is my ideal parental figure.

I'll start with a story, one which, if I had bothered to write it down at the time, would have been a poem a few months ago. I used to say I grew up in Texas; that's where I fell in love with writing, after all, and made friends closer than any I had before. But a few months ago, I was walking through my old neighborhood in the state I currently call home, the place I lived throughout middle school and most of high school after moving away from Texas, and I felt a burst of nostalgia for what I can only describe as a second childhood. This, I decided, is where I grew up, too.

I imagined, for the longest time, a lost youth in Texas, a time pre-abuse where I was an ambitious, outgoing person now lost to mental illness, someone who, though I can logically understand her as me, I cannot claim the experiences of because of our disconnection--I feel a gulf between us, a two-year void of pain I still struggle to name. I grew up once, and it ended with flashbacks and panic attacks, my willingness to explore having been brutally burned away, I believed. Now I'm stuck this way, with not even memories of childhood to go back to. But I suppose I've proven myself wrong: PTSD and all, I grew up again in a new place, post-abuse. In my new home, I picked up new kinds of writing with an obsessiveness befitting my younger self; I discovered romantic love, supposedly a staple of coming-of-age but something I had never felt in my first childhood. When I lived in Texas, my life began to branch out, opening up to a thousand possibilities for beauty. Then it all burned down, and then, against all my expectations, the growing started again.

I can see Fruits Basket, now that I've finally finished the series, as a manifestation of this change. During my first read, it was just a coping mechanism to deal with depression; during the second, a window into the mind of the haunted self who had read it the first time around. This time around, all hell broke loose, but in the best way possible--I've written about all sorts of topics in Fruits Basket, left a thousand sticky notes throughout the 23 volumes, surprising myself with how much of this writing is about, well, not-abuse. PTSD often makes me feel like I'm living the same few years on infinite loop--recreating the same relationship dynamics, feeling the same intense emotions, shutting down in the same way I did all those years ago. But these days, I have so much more to say than I thought I did--I grew up again, and that means so much has happened in my life that trauma hasn't stolen from me. I have so much to talk about--years' worth of varied, vibrant life. I had my second childhood, years spent in a new, colorful world just waiting for me to explore it. Don't get me wrong, my worst years will probably have me in a stranglehold for a good long while, but I realize there is so much more to me. I'm a lesbian genderqueer-being-thing who loves talking about all things queerness; I'm a hopeless romantic who, while tired of love, can't quite bring myself to erase it from my life; I'm a childish adult who sees my mannerisms reflected in Tohru, Momiji, and Ayame.

In short, Fruits Basket was exciting. Throughout the time I spent reading the manga this summer, I was vivid, constantly chattering and giggling to myself about some idea or other in the story. I never feel more like myself than when I'm bursting at the seams with a thousand things to say, so Fruits Basket, with its buzzy, energetic plot and dedication to developing its ensemble cast, made me feel more human than I've felt in a long while. I'm so glad I finally got to finish reading this series, a project five-ish years in the making!

From the start, the characters from Fruits Basket have been a family for me, models for the messy but also loving and colorful life that I so badly craved back in 2017, when I first encountered volume 1. And now--now I have that life. I grew into it, growing up again, throughout high school, and now some of the newness is gone--I'm more settled at my writing desk; my tastes in music, books, and people are much more established; all my future loves will emerge, likely more successful, from my experiences with my first ones. Though there will always be new things, I now have a home, both metaphorical and physical, I can call my own and return to after a long day of the chaos that is this world. Fruits Basket was once the only family I felt connected to, a source of warmth and light I couldn't find elsewhere; today, I'm blessed with more than one family, and my mind is a source of warmth all on its own. I'm proud to say that I became what I loved so much about Fruits Basket back in 2017: messy, loving, colorful.

So, um, wow. Yes, Fruits Basket holds up; I think it actually got better for me over time, my more experienced self able to find even more richness in it than I did before. In chapter 69, Haru tells Yuki that he thinks the unknowns of student council are good for Yuki, and I love how, in Fruits Basket Another, Natsuki Takaya gives only limited glimpses of original main characters, obscuring their faces and making few references to their current lives and personalities. She leaves her original characters to their unknowns; for the longest time, characters like Tohru, Yuki, and Kyo had very limited agency, but once we let them go at the end of Volume 23, she respects their ability to be whoever they want now that they're free. So, for the time being at least (believe you me, when I decide I want to reread this series no library can stop me), I'll leave everyone from Fruits Basket to their unknowns, to lives that get to be completely theirs, and I'll face my own. If I can become chock-full of words and experiences in just a few years, able to blabber on and on about all sorts of things in Fruits Basket that I never would have thought deeply about before, I can only imagine the range of possibilities for the rest of my life. Right now, I'm thinking a walk sounds about right. It's sunny out!

#six grows up #thanks for joining me during this series! tracking my reading in this way was really fulfilling and i can't wait to do it again :) #overall fruits basket has officially earned a place on the faves list!!! #have i known this since i first read volume 1 five years ago? yes. but i felt like i needed to finish it before i made anything official-- #fruits basket diaries #fruits basket manga #fruits basket #cw abuse #cw child abuse #cw ptsd

[afterglow-tommylee]

Chapter 7. Please Allow Me To Introduce Myself

Hey my dudes! 

Ok maybe I shouldn't have started with that but I'm sorta just jumping in here. Oh it's Tommy by the way. What’s up fuckers!?

Ok fuck, where do I start? I know it's a little early but I feel like I need to properly introduce myself. So, I guess you've all heard by now that Andi and I ... well I guess you can tell by now that...

We kinda have a bit of a thing for each other. Ok I'm totally fuckin' in absolute pure... fuckin' love with her man... fuck - but don't you tell her yet - I gotta tell her, and you'll see when I do... damn...

Ok, ok,  so I know what you all are thinking, who the hell does Tommy think he is taking sweet, gorgeous Andi and corrupting her...? Hahaha ok no seriously, before anyone gets their panties in a bunch - though I prefer no panties at all, or like those tiny black lacy ones that show off the ass so... ehem - Ok focus T-Bone, focus. 

I know what you all have heard about me so far, that bad boy drummer from Motley Crue, former junkie and convicted felon that married an actress, then divorced an actress then married playboy bunny, then divorced a playboy bunny - er wait no, married a playboy bunny who turned actress, had a sex tape stolen, had two babies back 2 back, then was a convicted felon, then divorced a playboy bunny - who turned actress...and has a woman practically every other week. 

Is that about right?

Well that's not true at all - the whole having a woman every other week thing I mean.  Yes I have had few women over the years but it's not at all what you think. When I'm single, it's a totally different story. It's on at that point,  but after a while I start to miss the whole relationship part y'know? Falling in love, wanting that person every single second, and feeling like you can't live without them. Fuck, do I ever miss that. 

I'm a hopeless romantic, and that will never change. I love making a woman feel like she is the only thing in the world and I mean it too. If she's havin' a bad day, I'll throw rose petals down from the front door leading up to the bedroom so that as soon as she walks in, she knows it's all about her. Ever smell rose petals while you're makin' love? With them all over you and your girls ass, fuck that's the best shit let me tell you.  When I'm in a relationship, I am faithful, trust me. I know everyone thinks I'm not but I am. 

I had no idea that I was hiring a woman manager either. I had a falling out with my previous one and so I called my lawyer to get me out of that contract and see if he could find me a new one. One that would actually understand me, one where I could trust my finances and all that shit. But let me tell you when Andi walked in that office, jeezus I thought I was going to fall off my chair. She was gorgeous! Man, she has everything in all the right places, boobs, ass, cute little lips... the darkest eyes I've ever seen and I lose myself in them everytime I look at her. Damn, I'm gettin' all excited just thinkin' about her. 

I have just one question though. How the fuck did Chris Cornell ever let her go? I mean c'mon is he fuckin' crazy or somethin'? Dude...

Anyways, I was surprised she left so quickly after that meeting. I wanted to get to know her so goddamn bad, but she like, totally ran like a bat outta hell. I mean I'm not that scary am I?

I gotta tell you I'm one lucky dude sometimes. That night at the club - a club that I actually own in fact called Venus and when I told her about it later she was all like 'why didn't you tell me that, cause now I feel bad that we bailed to go to the Whiskey' and you know me, I'll do anything to make the girl I'm with feel relaxed and comfortable -  so I was just chillin' with some of my dudes over on the far end of the club and I see her with her girl. I was like no fuckin' way! How the fuck did I end up seeing her here? I had to talk to her, I had to. There was no fuckin' way I was lettin' her  run from me again so I waited til her friend left and made my move. 

I fell hard for her, let me tell you. I fell hard and fast. Some of my most intense relationships always start that way I know, but when I have that instant connection with someone, I want to grab a hold of it and never let go.

When she told me about touring when she first started out, and just knowing what it's like to be on the road all the time, especially with like, fuckin' Pantera? what? I was like, dude this is it. This is my kinda girl. One that completley understands what this fuckin' crazy life is all about AND also keep up with those dudes? Like, how did I get so lucky? 

I swear to you, I was not intending for anything to happen that night. All I wanted was just to get to know her. Ok, ok, that's a lie. I thought about just taking her home and placing my lips all over every inch of that gorgeous body of hers a thousand times that night. 

Dude... the smell of her, the way she smiled at me, the way she tried to blow me off at the begining but was totally flirting right back... fuck... and once I kissed her it was like fireworks and lightning all at the same time. I hadn't had that feeling in so long. I got caught up in the moment and those soft sweet lips of hers, and how she was so cute and so shy leaning against my bedroom door.  It was so unexpected and that's exactly what I love about it. Pure intense chemistry and instant attraction, and I'll be damned if I ever let that go. 

So that's the intro to me so far. I don't know if Andi wants me to pop in every once and a while but I'll ask her - hey babe! Babe?!  Hello?!  - ah figures she can't hear me. Well she can take over from here then. Don't worry I'll be back.

See ya!

#tommy lee #motley crue #motley crue fanfiction #tommy lee fanfic

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

Tuesday May 14, 2024. 10:03pm

i don't remember the last time i had a connection, a true genuine connection with another human being. The feeling you get in your stomach when you hear their name, or how your heart drops down to your feet when you seem them approaching from the distance. The excitement and impatient feeling when you know that they're on their way.

i don't remember the last time i had a connection. To look at someone and feel so safe and secure, like nothing or no one can hurt you. Being able to be in your presence, even in complete silence but feel so comfortable, it feels like I'm at peace. To feel like you're home to me. To be able to calm down instantly from having a panic attack just by hearing your voice.. "baby, I'm right here my love."

I don't remember the last time I had a connection. Someone being the first thing i think about when i wake up, and last before i go to sleep. To be able to wake up to corny but sweet "Goodmorning beautiful". texts. Being so excited to facetime someone to talk about everything and absolutely nothing. To listen to our favorite songs and jam out without a care in the world or worried about who's listening.

i remember..

thought i remember, how i have felt. The feelings have never been reciprocated. I love and love to the fullest and best of my ability. I put my all and i love so heavy. I love.. but i am not loved. Yes, i remember. Being able to say this person is mine, my person. The love is indescribable. It felt warm and cozy, beautiful and correct. Because i loved.. but was never loved back.

I remember..

finding out what was real, which was nothing. I remember the terrible heartbreak I endured. The constant aches and pains just saying your name. My appetite leaving when you crossed my mind. The feeling of loneliness and hopelessness consistently making it's way around.

i say i healed..

Because i don't love you, anymore. But am i truly healed? I have constant thoughts of how i'm never loved, only lusted. Am i truly healed? i don't have the self confidence, who's going to love me when i can't love and appreciate myself?

I say i'm healed..

i constantly self destruct and degrade myself by surrounded myself around men that like my body.. but don't desire me on the inside. Am i truly healed? i've shot down people that were the sweetest, and so genuine to me. But i no longer trust a soul to have the ability to have so much control over my feelings and emotions. I refuse. Am i truly healed? i have a constant fear of being left and dropped as if i never mattered.

I say I'm healed..

i crave a certain love i never truly experienced. I haven't had a singular soul that i've held so dearly in my heart, want me the way i wanted them. To be able to have someone just as scared to lose you, to be able to have someone just as in love, excited, emotional, determined, Ect. To be able to go to my person when the world isn't being so kind, but nothing matters because they're your world. Everything else doesn't exist when you're with them.

Maybe.. I'm hurting.. I'm not healed. But, that's okay. Those are capable of giving more love than they've ever received, are given what they deserve back to them 10x more. I know I'm deserving of love, and it's amazing i haven't turned cold hearted just yet. All i want to do is love, with the same given back.

[petrichoraline]

hi petri i'm here just to vent and you can totally just ignore this but last week i finally had a job interview (after so many soooo many days of being rejected or straight up ignored lol) and even though it wasn't a job a really wanted to do i was ready to go, excited even, but then the day before anxiety started getting to me, like from 0 to 100 i started getting these horrible thought about how everything was gonna go wrong and how i always fuck everything up and how i have no future so who fucking cares etc etc (so self depreciating it makes me wanna throw up and hide from shame tbh) (also i'm on antidepressants and anxiolytics in general since a couple of months now and even though at first i noticed nothing i thought they were begining to work on me... i've been in an extremely scary dark place and i really don't wanna go back to that) and i thought i got this interview i thought this was things starting to change but on the day i was supposed to go i literally shut down, idk how to explain it i just couldn't bear getting out of bed or seeing anyone the thought of even interacting with someone paralized me................ i didn't go and it was a bad day, a really bad one, i feel like i'm on square one once again, i couldn't even phone them i'm so embarrassed and disappointed in me and just... i hate myself... i hate this i hate how much it takes from me to do normal fucking things i hate how my body and mind fuck me up all the time and work against me and i'm so weak i can't fight them i just so hopeless and bad and not worthy anyone's time, this illness is taking so much from me, it's been years and it keeps happening....... sorry for this i needed to let it out and you seem like an honest kind person....... sorry

hey love 💕

now, excuse me if my response is a bit all over the place, i am tired but i insist on answering this as soon as possible <3

first, i am touched that you find me a safe enough person to go to and your words mean a lot to me, thank you for that 💓 sometimes it feels like you can't share with people around you and you need an outlet so i understand. i have welcomed similar messages in the past so i see why you would come to me :) you say you want to vent but i will express my thoughts and advice which you can feel just as free to ignore.

i get that feeling that comes with failing an agreement and then dreading the consequences, wanting to own up to it but not feeling able to pick up the phone. it's an awful awful thing to go through and i feel for you. it is something that you must do, though, at least that's how I see it. even aside from possible benefit for yourself, you have to express respect towards the team for their time and the opportunity. i know it sucks, I know you're contemplating all the possible responses but trust me, it's one call that can make a big change. even if the offer is off the table, you will be more at peace, I guarantee it. they can be mean about it (though professionalism will make them snarky at best) but chances are they have no clue why you didn't show up so they could just as easily just be worried and confused rather than angry. you have the chance to sincerely apologise and thank them and you will not know what they think unless you talk to them. for such calls i get myself some water, breathe a lot, chant encouragements and dial the number. one way you can prepare yourself is writing down what you want to say, don't rush it, you can do bulletpoints or write down the whole thing from start to finish - just have something to give you some security when you're afraid you can't find the words. going through the script beforehand will also make you more confident in what you want to communicate.

aside from this particular employer and your relationship with them, making a call would boost your assurance and you'll be a bit more confident next time you need to do something unpleasant. I am more than sure you can do it and I believe in you.

another very very important point- no such thing as back at square one. healing and growth are never linear, messing up along the way is only natural and DOES NOT erase all the time you've spent moving forward. you are not back anywhere, you're just at a crossroad. you need some time to reasses and give yourself time to breathe and that is okay. you are trying, you are thinking, you are feeling, you are moving but only forwards because life goes forwards and it isn't leaving you behind. a pause may feel scary because you shift your focus to things that didn't work out instead of exciting things that are yet to come. it's okay to pause though. it really is. you are NOT failing, if anything I find it admirable how much you want to make things work. and I truly believe you can and you will and it will all work out.

I am sorry you are going through this, I cannot replace a professional, I cannot be the tools and person to make it better but I feel for you and I hurt for you and you are not alone. there is a person who knows how far away from you who is shedding tears because they want you to feel better so strongly. I'm not saying this for you to go all "oh no I made her cry" because it is possible your mind will say something stupid to you like that - I am saying it because I want you to know you are not alone. and you are very worthy. of love, of success, of every little thing you think is unreachable right now because you've been tired for so long. you are loved and there are people out there who want you to be okay. you are not at fault for what your mind does. it's your body, it's processes you are not at fault for and you have to be more gracious towards yourself. no reason to hate yourself, genuinely none at all. you are in pain and you are dealing with it as best as you can and that is something you deserve credit for, it's commendable.

the job market is stressful as fuuckk even without facing what you're going through, be kinder to yourself! i am so scared of interviews but talking to people with stable jobs you'll know - sometimes you have to do over dozens and dozens of interviews and just grow a thick skin for it, it's an actual skill. you have to understand these people have so much on their minds that aside from considering you for the position they don't pay you much mind (one of my problems is contemplating what interviewers think of me as a person - they don't. they clock out and im out of their thoughts); they're just people doing their jobs, you are not failing their expectations nor are they some superior beings you have to show fear in front of. you're just participating in a waltz they dance with others and you should dance with other employers. you will not get certain jobs and that is fine, every interview is practicing for the next which is also very valuable.

I understand right now you may need some time but I think keeping it moving could help you grow accustomed to the whole thing that is job hunting and not setting your focus on this one instance and self-pitying. and that's why i think you should go for that call, you could get a second chance but even if you don't clearing things up will help you moving on from it rather than thinking of it each time you apply.

things can go wrong but things can also have the amazing ability to go right. and you can stumble but you can also do really really well! because people are fluid and are capable of more than they think, you can move in either direction so as you consider how things can actually go absolutely fine :)

I will always always recommend professional advice and help, though i have my experience I base my comments on, i cannot provide you with the needed expertise that you deserve. please talk to someone, considering you are on prescribed medication right now I assume there are means by which you could talk to someone more competent. I know what things coming back again and again for years is like, it's torture. and i need you to keep fighting because it truly is a fight, it's tiresome and it's lonesome but you have to. you owe it to yourself and you deserve to keep your head above the water until you don't have to strain to do so.

but you have got to realise people don't hate you for it and if they do they are ignorant and you don't need them, let alone their approval. i was considering answering you without publishing the message itself but I believe it will resonate with more people than you think and there will be more people out there keeping you in their thoughts and there is so much beauty and power in that.

again, I apologise for the messy reply, I feel like there are many more things I want to say and maybe better and kinder ways to put them but this is all I can muster up right now. I am sending you so much love and a warm hug. i am proud of you. you have so much power and strength and i hope you get comfort to accompany them.

#i am hugging you #please breathe and trust yourself more #i trust you #petri replies #anon mailbox

[bunchezofroze]

I Have Decided to Start Posting My Short Stories, So here's the First One

"Haunted Computer"

By Rozetta Stone (Prompt from GeneralBug)

Alright, this is getting tiring. I have been watching this girl attempt, and fail, to ask out her crush for like two weeks now. I'm here because I was just passing through her apartment when I saw her giggling at the computer and decided to let my curiosity get the better of me.

I found out from the other person's messages that this girl's name was apparently Carmen, and I learned from Carmen's messages that her correspondent's name is Trea. Now something I know about Carmen, that Trea doesn't, is that Carmen really likes them, like way more than is reasonably expected from "platonic" feelings.

At first, I was really quite amused, watching the girl write out a long winded confession of her oh so eternal love, only for her to fumble with the backspace key as she deleted any trace of it. But after two weeks of it, it's honestly just a bit sad at this point. I mean, she clearly finds this person very dear to her, but just can't get over the hurdle of actually expressing those feelings.

Today she and Trea were talking and joking about some show about paramedics or firefighters or something, and some ship called "Beckie,"or whatever that was never going to happen. I wasn't too worried about it. Then her expression changed in a way I was familiar with at this point, and typed out a string. "we could totally be like them, but like... actually set sail haha. but only if you really want too cause li..." And then she deleted it all while shaking her head.

I'm done. I can only watch this for so long. I decided a bright idea would be to try and help her. Of course, the whole wandering spirit thing makes helping her a bit challenging. Wait, did I mention that? Oh well, suffice to say I needed a way to get her attention. So, I decided that the best plan of action... was to possess her computer and try to talk to her... yeah, not my smartest move.

It was decided though, so I did a couple stretches, and then dove head first into greatness. Of course, saying that you're going to possess and communicate with the living through a computer is one thing, while actually doing it is another. But I was determined, so I decided to take control of the mouse. She seemed a bit startled when all of a sudden her mouse had a mind of its own beneath her hand, but I mean, rightfully so. I went down and opened her sticky notes app - yes people actually use sticky notes don't question me - and started typing.

I've seen enough

I can only take so much of this!!

So now, I'M GOING TO HELP YOU!!!

Adding exclamation marks will surely get my point across. She sat there for a while with her mouth agape, and then finally moved it, "Wh.. who... who are you? An.. and what?" Ah yeah, I should probably explain myself a bit better huh?

My name is Mirriad; I am what they call a ghooooost

Spooky, I know

But honestly, I may or may not have been spying on you for the past two weeks

"Excuse me, YOU WHAT??" Whoops, that was way too forward.

Don't take it like that

Look, I've been watching you chat with Trea, and I think it's all really cute

But you are completely hopeless girl

So I wanted to try and help you out is all

She sat there for quite awhile in thought, hands in her crossed legs, before finally speaking, "I really wanna tell them, but I just can't. Every time I get excited that I'm finally gonna do it, and then... Then I get this gut wrenching feeling that it'll all go wrong, and I chicken out." She turned her head, as if I was actually there looking at her, and then added, "I'm sorry."

Carmen...

You don't have to apologize for being scared

You just have to overcome that fear and do what you know your heart wants

Look, I'm gonna be your wing ghost

With my help, everything will be a-okay

She looked back over, "Alright, but what do I say?"

Tell Trea the truth

What you want them to know

I would say the worst that can happen is a no

But let's be honest, there are way worse things she can say

So good luck!! *thumbs up*

And now she looked mortified, "That doesn't help! What if they think I'm weird? Or gross? Or overwhelming?!" At this point she had her head in her hands and was very clearly panicking.

Listen

Or read I guess, I don't know...

Doesn't matter!

My point is that it'll be okay as long as you're yourself, I promise

"A.. alright, but what do I say, like, specifically? Can you like, type up a love letter or something?"

Sorry, but I'm not a computer

So I can't write anything for you

But just try and keep it simple, alright?

She looked down at the keyboard, "Okay, then here goes nothing I guess." She tentatively moved the mouse over to her chat with Trea, and started typing,

UselessLesbian: |

UselessLesbian:

UselessLesbian: |

UselessLesbian:

UselessLesbian: Do you wanna go out sometime? Like on a date? Like a date-date?|

She looked over it, shook her head, and went for the backspace key. But before she could even reach it... *enter*. Sorry Carmen, but it's for your own good. She let out a little eep, and sat there startled, waiting for something. And then...

BuckIsBae: is typing...

BuckIsBae: Oh... That was unexpected.

BuckIsBae: But yeah! I'd totally be up for that. Just let me know when.

Carmen's eyes widened, as if she couldn't believe what she was seeing. She then launched out of her chair and started jumping up and down, cheering, "Yes! Yes! Eeeeee!"

It seemed that my job was done, so I went ahead and vacated the computer. After calming down, she went back to her computer and started frantically typing, making plans for her newly acquired date.

When the weekend rolled around, Carmen was quickly getting ready. Her and Trea were going to some fancy schmancy cafe in town that seemed nice. She was rushing to the door when she stopped and turned on a dime. She looked around the room a bit before saying, "I don't know if you're still here, but thank you Mirriad." And with that, she turned and left through the door, ready for what was sure to be a time of wonder.

Why did I do it? I mean, I could say I did it because I was sick of seeing her struggle, but if that was really the case, I guess I could've just left. So I don't know. Maybe I did it because I have some pent up emotions about being hurt and losing out, so I did this to hopefully free my soul from this mortal plane. Or, ya know, maybe I'm just a fan of sappy romance.

#writing #writeblr #writers on tumblr #short story

[queenofthieves]

.

hopeless. drowning. i just want it to end. i'd tie myself here if i could. i'm so fucking tired. i wish there was anything left to hopef or except ... idk it'd at least be soemthing. even if i could ask for help everthign is impossible. even getting close to it it's not...

i would give anything for any of it to feel different. give anything to know how it woulf feel if it was different. but i have to have to have to go away. that's the only difference i can make. it feels like the only thing i can do to make anything better.

i don't really know what i think about an after. kinda just wish that i'll be somewhere different. that i'll at least be with the reason i made it this far and lived an extra 9 years. i'll at least be in one home forever that way.

tuesday will be three montsh since i wrote,.. isn't that enough time? more than enough to have given myself? how do i force myslef to take anymore time? i had considred... idk how to say i don't want to be alone that day but i'll also probably be distant.

i'm so miserable. it's crushing me. it's killing me. i just want anything. everyday just feels more hopeless. more like i hve to. and i'm so scared. i don't want to. there's just nothing. if i could bear it i would, i would stay. i need anything to hold on to, or to hold on to me. if my brain would allow it, i'd ask for help please help. if it didn't feel too much like pressure or guilting i would ask. i wish i could. i can't. i can only accept help if i don't asak.

i feel so alone. right now i only want to withdrawal and isolate more. easier to... and easier for everyone else i think. it's impossible to fight my brain when it says that iti'll be better after i'm gone. if i reach out my hand will miss. it's okay. it'll be okay after.

i don't know how to stop sinking. i'm so tired. i don't see any other end. if i did i'd grab it and hold on.

i've been thinking a lot about life. had a good three..e three and a half years. that's the only amount of time i wanted to be alive out of 29 years... during that time i thought so much of how excited i was to make it to 30 how that would be unbelievable to a past me. i don't really know how to wait and drag myself on again. the only thing i hope for is that i don't fail again.

all i want is for it to stop. i think there's only one way i can... all i want is to feel a tether here, all i want is something that feels good. a light. it's killing me. i reach. i can't reach further than this. i try. but i can't. i just can't get far enough. i wish something could reach me. i ruin. if i'm gone i can't do that.

i feel this huge terror in me right now that i can't express... i won't... it feels too much like if i say it then it's more solidified than it already is, every day it is more clear and if i express anything then it feels a lot more... final. the closest i can get is that it deals with lasts, like... when i tired to go to the museum last week there was something very... 'last' that it evoked... i wish my big baby boy was still here to lay on my chest, hold me down. i don't know how to keep moving when each day has been gotten darker than the last and light slips through my fingers.

i might look up spoilers to games and things i wanted to wait for and finish. just to know i guess.

#i’ve hated having good dreams lately only to wake up still here

[13-frinfransstudios]

Writing again after four months: a rant diary of a hopeless dreamer

Hello, Tumblr!

It's been a long time since I made a post here. I want to let out a few writer thoughts.

June-July are my last active writing months. I joined in NaNoWriMo events and talk to few writers. It's been awesome really.

But then college happened, so I have to postpose making my stories. During October throughout November, I felt drained from the school works and I just want to take a break. school can't give me that chance. Even now, I still have two projects and one research to do.

But I decided to take a bit of a break from it and rewind by writing. yesterday, I feel excited. My heart race as I open my writing station in Wattpad. Finally, I'm gonna write again. But nothing comes out of my head.

I have an idea for my short story collections, but I barely feel my heart in it. I feel like every words I type seems poor and not like how I usually do.

I was devastated. I'm thinking to myself that I'll never get to do this thing I so love again. I guess I should just give it all up. As my parents said, there won't be anyone who would want to hear my story.

Because who would want to read a stupid cringy story about sapphics finding a place in this world through each other when there's so many versions of that published--and written better than me!

I just feel so down and hopeless but I really wanna write so bad. This feels like the only thing that I have in this world that keeps me going and I don't want this to disappear from me.

I just have to keep going, no matter how shitty my words seems to be. Maybe someday I can get to the point where every letter I type out will become a galaxy.

#writing #thoughts #writers #writer #writers on tumblr #writerblr #my writing #being a writer #sapphic writer #sapphic #writing stuff #on writing #am writing #romance writing #story writing #the writing life #writing blog #writing is hard #writing life #writing problems #writing struggles #writing thoughts #writing things #writing wip #writingcommunity #writer stuff #writeblr