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ladyeliot · 3 years

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It will always be you

Prequel: Stay with me

Pairing: Tony Stark x Avenger Female Reader

Summary: The snap has happened, the return of Wakanda has not been as you all expected, but now you have to face reality, and you just can't stop thinking about him, about Tony.

Warnings: Angst, Fluff.

Word count: 4101

A/N: Post Infinity War. Some of the dialogue is taken from the film. Sorry for my spelling and grammatical mistakes, English is not my native language, I am learning.

Reader Powers: Psionic. You use psionic force to track any sentient being. You also create psychic shields to protect yourself. You can project psychic force bolts which have no physical effects but which can affect a victim's mind, causing them pain.

Life is a continuous struggle of choices that you have to make without stopping to think for a second. It is said that hope is the last thing to be lost, probably because the choice you made almost left you without it. You must also learn that happiness is the last thing to be found, probably because the choice you have made has made you unhappier than you will ever be. Your life has been full of choices, you might have regretted many of them, but you decided at the time to make them, so you never allowed yourself to regret your actions, until that day.

Three weeks after Thanos snapped, hope was completely lost. The new facility has been uncharacteristically silent, no one has been able to say more than two words in a row, and you had barely managed to say one since your return from Wakanda. Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanoff, James Rhodes, Bruce Banner and you, those were the surviving Avengers, the ones that life had given you a second chance, but it didn't really feel like one.

You were in your old room, old because two years ago one of your decisions had taken you away from that place, yes, you were against the Sokovia Accords, that had led you to take the side of the Captain and to fight against the side of Iron Man, who had been the person who had saved you from the madness that your powers had generated in your mind. But even if you had turned against him, you knew you owed him everything. Evidently this was something he didn't understand, which led to a wide rift that had never been bridged on either side, and which led to a breakdown in your relationship of closeness.

Every corner of that room had been kept exactly as you had left it that night when you fled with Wanda. Your drawings together with the charcoals scattered on the desk, the book 'In Search of Lost Time' by Marcel Proust on the bedside table and that bracelet that Tony had given you for your 26th birthday that you had left next to the open jewellery box on the bed. It was really painful to see all of this, knowing that those facilities would probably never be what they once were, that Wanda would not suddenly appear at your door, that you would never sit around the dinner table and that Tony would not occupy the armchair next to your bed to try to cheer you up after a mission that hadn't gone so well. You didn't know whether frustration was taking over the fear and sadness or whether you just didn't know how to control your feelings on that occasion.

The days were long, each of you working in silence trying to make sense of what had happened, looking for a solution that would never come to the problem. You shared the hours, but the solitude that enveloped you was too austere to realise that there was a person by your side. You didn't know Thanos' location, however, even if you did, especially if you did, it had become clear that you could not stand alone against his entire army.

"Would you like some?" asked Natasha offering you a plate with a veggie sandwich on it, which you took with an almost soundless 'thank you'.

Yes, actually that had been your first word in five days, since you said goodnight to Bruce last Sunday, food and sleep were not high on your priorities, especially when you spent the night using your telepathic detection trying to find some sign of life that would make you believe Tony was alive, but it was useless. Your psionic senses allowed you to track any sentient being, you were able to scan large areas, but your ability did not address the entire universe.

That night your spirits seemed to be running low to the ground, three weeks without having achieved anything that would allow you to have any lucidity in your plans was too long as the situation stood. You could hear in the background a soft murmur coming from a conversation between Natasha and Steve, but you weren't really paying attention to it, it was all in your thoughts. But at that instant, an inner burst made them evaporate. A signal came into your brain, a psionic emanation that alerted you to the presence of a spaceship entering the stratosphere, with a fixed direction, yours. You rose from your chair, standing upright, capturing the attention of the people around you. You closed your eyes, heightening all your senses, taking in all the information that was coming to you, at that moment you felt it. You opened your eyes and looked at them.

"He's here," were the only words you could utter before you rushed outside. Your companions soon followed your path, asking questions to explain what was happening, but your inner euphoria prevented you from saying a single word.

That ship appeared above you as you raced across the garden, night was falling relentlessly and you could only glimpse a halo of light that seemed to direct the ship as it landed delicately on the wide grassy esplanade. The five of you paused, taking in the scene, discovering how a side door opened to project a flight of stairs. When you saw his face for the first time your lungs deflated, letting out all the air they had accumulated over a long period of time. Your body went rigid and you didn't react until Steve ran past you and approached the ship to help him down.

He looked terrible, it was evident in every facial feature and in his body movements, you knew what you had been through, but you had no idea what Tony had been through since his disappearance in New York, although you could get a pretty good idea. Before your eyes were Steve and Tony in custody, reunited again, after all that had happened, none of it mattered, at least not to you, and perhaps you had a vain hope that it didn't matter to anyone else either. Even so you didn't know how to act when your eyes connected with his, for a slight moment you wanted to approach him, offer him a hug and tell him that you were relieved to discover that he was there, with you, after all, but you chose to stay where you were, next to Natasha.

It wasn't until you headed inside that the stiffness disappeared from your body. A whispered 'are you okay' from Steve made you react again and pay attention to Natasha's words that were projecting all the information gathered during those days.

"The governments are destroyed," she reported as she projected images showing the missing, like Wilson, Maximoff and Parker, among others, "the working parts are trying to do a census, and it looks like he did it. He did what he said he would do. Thanos wiped out 50% of all living things."

Silence echoed around you, you were sitting in an armchair, somewhat away from the other members, playing with your fingers, trying not to look up, until he spoke.

"Where is he now?" asked Tony. "Where?"

"We don't know," Steve informed him from beside you, sitting at a table. "He opened a portal and went through it. We looked for Thanos for three weeks, with deep space scanners," Steve looked at you, "and satellites, and we found nothing." He looked at Tony. "Tony, you fought him."

"What are you talking about?" asked Tony from his wheelchair. "I didn't fight him. No, he wiped my face with a planet while the wizard gave away the store. That's what happened, there's no fight..."

You took a breath and sighed, because you could contemplate what was about to happen right now, the nerves were there along with the negativity and failure of some of the superheroes on that planet and others, and you knew it could explode at any moment.

"Tony, I'm going to need you to focus..." Steve repeated again hoping that Tony would offer him some clue as to the whereabouts of Thanos.

"I needed you," interrupted Tony in a raised tone. "as in past tense. That trumps what you need. It's too late, buddy. Sorry." He used a second of his silence to look at Steve and another second to look at you, who stood beside him. You took in most of the feelings hidden in his gaze, and none of them were positive or forgiving. "You know what I need? I need a shave," he tried to get out of the wheelchair, taking everything on the table in his stride. "I don't believe I ever remember telling you this..." he ripped out the IV that connected the drip to his left arm. "To the living and the dead, What we needed was a suit of armor around the world! Remember that? Whether it impacted our precious freedoms or not," he looked back at you and Steve repeatedly. "That's what we needed!”

The discussion continued, avoiding an upset Tony explaining everything he thought about the current and past situation, ignoring the suggestions Rhodes was giving him to calm down and take his seat again.

"[...] Bunch of tired old wheels!" he pointed at Steve. "I got nothin' for you, Cap! I've got no coordinates, no clues, no strategies, no options! Zero, zip, nada. No trust - liar."

Almost ipso facto he turned to you ripped off the reactor prostrate on his chest and handed it to Steve in his hand, leaving those present virtually speechless, if you still had any left.

"Here, take this. You'll find him, if you put that on. You hide-"

After those words you gazed again into his eyes full of resentment at the past, before his body could take it no more and he collapsed in the middle of the room.

In the hours that followed, you were the shadow of a ghost gazing at him from a distance from the door frame of one of the recovery rooms in the new complex. On the one hand fearing his reaction against you when he woke up, while on the other hand wanting to hear it because you knew that sooner or later it would come but you wanted it to come as soon as possible so that you could face it. Those words she had said to Steve were harsh, but they were really nothing to what you expected might happen. It seemed absurd at the time to have entertained the idea that it might have been forgotten.

"Bruce gave him a sedative," Rhodes said, looking up at you, who were leaning against the doorframe. "He'll be unconscious for the rest of the day. Do you want to sit down?"

"No...I'd better..." but Rhodes didn't allow you to finish your words, as he had risen from the armchair next to Tony and offered it to you. "Thank you."

The door to the room ajar to offer you some more privacy. As you turned your gaze towards him you realised the fragility his body conveyed in those moments, he had spent weeks wandering through space not knowing if he was going to get the chance to return home again and yet he had been able to stay alive and find himself there. You closed your eyes and settled back on the couch, you remembered the first time you did that with Tony, he had spent too much time without sleep after the events after the Chitauri invasion, he could barely sleep because of the nightmares and he begged you to stop them every night, so with your eyes closed you concentrated and invaded his mind with caution releasing the tension you found in it and giving him the peace he needed. When you opened your eyes again, her expression seemed to have changed, she seemed to have found some relief inside her, that fact made you smile. But a knock on the door woke you up.

"We need to talk," Steve's words sounded serious.

A new piece of information about Thanos' whereabouts came as a surprise, but for you the surprise came right after.

"Wait, is this some kind of punishment or something?" you said completely dumbfounded, just outside the room where Tony was, with what Steve was proposing. "Why me?"

"Because we need someone to stay with Tony," he said calmly crossing his arms.

"Is it because I'm the smallest of the whole team? Because I could really knock you all out right now with the blink of an eye," you said crossing your arms too.

"It's because Tony needs you," Steve lowered his tone, "and you need him."

There was nothing but truth in those words. You didn't know if Tony really needed you, but what you had assumed was that you'd needed him for a long time, and you'd put a lot of things before that need, creating your close relationship to go to shit, basically.

"I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to you on this mission," Steve said frankly. "And he wouldn't forgive me either if I said that happened."

You lowered your face as you nodded, accepting his words and the job you had been given.

"Be very careful," you said before Steve disappeared from in front of you to take a path that you had no idea what could be in store for them.

From that moment on, the hours went by really slowly, you took your position in that armchair again, you needed to have a clear mind, you couldn't continue martyring yourself with all the events that had happened, so you started reading 'In Search of Lost Time', that book that had been forgotten on the bedside table since you left that place. News was nil, you barely got a sign of what might be happening and you knew it would probably be days before you got it.

Night was falling on the compound again, Tony was barely making any sign of waking up, which also gave you time to consider how the situation would play out, and various possibilities for coping with it. Some of his belongings had been salvaged from the ship, and his helmet, or rather what was left of it, stared at you from the dresser in the room. Without having a reason in mind you approached him, causing a blue light to suddenly flash across his eyes, showing you his figure in the middle of the room.

"Is it on?" a figure of a seated, completely haggard Tony appeared before your eyes. "Hey, Ms. Y/L/N, Y/N," your brow furrowed, but you approached his reflection. "If you find this footage don't put it on social media, it'll be really tearful," his words brought a sad smile to your face. "I don't know if you'll watch these videos. I don't even know if you're still... Oh god, I hope so..." there was a silence from his words, but you could see him bring his hands to his face, something inside you cracked. "I guess it's easier to do this if you know the chances of seeing you again are practically nil," something inside you made your heart shrink. "I probably should have realised this a lot sooner," he fell silent, "yeah, but I was busy trying not to hate you too much, you know, when you decided to abandon me and choose the other side," exhaustion almost prevented him from keeping his eyes open. "Anyway, anyway that made me realise how important you had been to me," he let his gaze wander, "I tried to be there for you ever since I met you and... god, this is getting too depressing," he ran his hand over his face. "I just want you to know that I wish you were here, because you're the only person I'd like to share my last hours with," he nodded slightly, you knew what he was trying to say with those words, which made your eyes water. "Don't feel bad about this, I mean, if you stay prostrate for a couple of weeks... and then move on with immense guilt..." he hid his face in the palm of his hand and closed his eyes, you wiped away a tear that ran down your cheek keeping the bitter smile you had been wearing all along. "I want you to know... when I've fallen asleep, it will be like the nights we spent together. I'm fine. All right," he gestured towards you. "I'll dream of you. Because it will always be you."

Suddenly, as if nothing had happened, his image disappeared in front of your eyes, leaving you with hundreds of feelings invading your body and mind. You looked up and there he was, still there, sleeping pleasantly, barely knowing what had just happened. You hurriedly wiped away the last tear running down your cheek and sat back down, putting your feet up on the couch, unable to take your eyes off him. Perhaps those thoughts were drawn from his most desperate moments, believing that his life was about to come to an end, perhaps he was unwilling to show them to you now that he had resumed the course of his life, so even though it was not possible you tried to send them to a hidden place in your mind.

You had hardly slept in those three weeks, your mind hadn't rested for days and you didn't know why, but finding yourself curled up in that armchair next to Tony was giving you back the tranquillity your body hadn't known for too long. It was impossible to stop your eyelids from closing, on the contrary you were willing them to do so and for sleep to warmly invade your body, no matter how long you could stay asleep. That's how it happened, making the hours pass without you even noticing.

Like a little gust of wind, something in your body made the light enter through your eyelashes. Slowly you opened your eyes, feeling in various parts of your body a tightness due to the position in which you had fallen asleep in that armchair. You discovered that a woollen blanket covered your limbs, but what kept you alert was the bed next to you was completely empty. Tony wasn't there. You jumped up, looking around, the bedroom door was ajar and Iron Man's helmet was missing.

"Tony?" you asked, raising your voice, stepping out into the hallway. "Tony! Where are you?"

You barely heard an answer, so you were thankful those powers were within you, you stopped in the middle of the corridor and closed your eyes, your receptors picked up a signal coming from downstairs, it was him. You found him leaning on the kitchen counter, his eyes closed as he tried to stand. You ran to him, grabbing his arm to hold him up.

"What do you think you're doing?" you said, leading him to the nearest armchair in the living room.

You discovered that he had shaved, taken a shower and was wearing one of his Tom Ford suits that were so recognisable to you. That meant he had been wandering around the house unsupervised for over an hour without waking you up. You knelt down next to him.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" you asked with a worried look on your face as you contemplated that he was extremely tired. "Bruce gave a set of instructions for you to follow, you can't just walk around..."

"It was your turn?" he cut you off with an angry tone. "Be my babysitter? How did you do it? Did you draw lots?" his countenance was serious, you could still see the puffiness in his eyes and his face fully dehydrated. "Whoever draws the shortest stick gets to look after poor Stark, all right, listen..."

"No! You listen to me," you cut him off, raising your tone above his, standing up and resting your hands on each armrest "Tony, we all lost. We all fought and lost, none of us made it," your face was three feet above his. "So now all we can do is try, in some completely illogical way, to move the situation forward. And if we can't, at least look to the future by doing our best to honour those we have lost."

Silence flooded over you.

"So please don't make the situation more complicated," you continued, lowering your tone, almost begging him. "If I've stayed with you it's because Steve has made me understand some things, because yes, it wasn't really my intention to stay with you from the start, but then I realised that if anyone had to stay with you it was me. I realised that if I had to risk my life again I didn't want to go on the mission, because that would mean never seeing you again.And I've also realised that I've needed you for a long time, that I'm finally by your side and I have no intention of separating from you. Whether you like it or not." Tony cut his gaze with yours by ducking it, but brought his right hand over yours.

That gesture provoked you to bring your other hand to his face, placing a gentle caress on his cheek.

"I know there are a lot of things we need to talk about, but one thing we do have is time," you explained as Tony intertwined his fingers with yours. "So please, don't do anything more stupid and don't disappear," maybe it was the atmosphere generated by the situation, but you risked saying the next words. "Because it will always be you."

Tony closed his eyes a little regretfully, a little embarrassedly, and brought his free hand to his face.

"I knew you saw that," he added calmly removing his hand from his face. "Well, at least I've saved myself from having to repeat it in person."

"I'm not sure I got it right," you said falsely. "You know, there was a lot of interference, and besides, I couldn't really understand what you were saying, so..."

"Sorry, there was only one pass for the film," he said wryly which caused you to smile widely as you rediscovered that the old Tony was still hidden in it. "We won't know when there will be a revival."

"Too bad, I really liked that movie," you sat down on the armrest without letting go of his hand and looking up at him.

"Really?" he asked for the first time modestly, and putting aside all the irony that surrounded the situation.

"Totally," you nodded, trying to express all the many feelings through your eyes.

Silence again kept you company, until Tony somewhat uncomfortably broke it.

"I suppose you know that by now I would have kissed you and created a fully effective plan to make love to you for hours until you begged me to stop in pleasure," he stated lamely, "although I think if you give me a couple of hours..."

"All right, Don Juan," you cut him off with a chuckle, "we'd better leave all that for later, and I'll take you back to bed now."

"I think it's a good start if you take me to bed," he continued with his insinuations.

You got up from the armrest and helped him put his arm around your shoulders, even though he repeatedly told you he could walk unaided.

"Have we heard from the team?" he asked, slowly climbing the steps of the ladder.

"Soon," you said with a halo of hope.

You definitely made it back to the room, having made it successfully through the journey. You helped him get rid of the shoes and shirt that his pride had forced him to wear, but which now made no sense when he was going back to bed.

"See, you're finally going to get what you wanted, I'm undressing you," you said jokingly causing a smile to appear on Tony's face as he lay back down. "You rest, I'll be here. I'll always be here."

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readyplayerhobi · 4 years

Text

Flower | 17

; Hoseok x Reader

; Genre: Angst, very slight fluff

; Word Count: 6k

; Warnings: Emotional breakdown, depiction of a panic/anxiety attack, in depth discussion/description of depression, brief mentions of suicide, lack of self-worth, self-hatred, self-doubt, dissociation

; Synopsis: You finally decide to take a dip into the world of online dating and find the Flower dating app. One of the top matches for you proves to be a guy who looks to be your complete opposite; tattooed, pierced, a metalhead and oh…incredibly handsome. What happens when you throw caution to the wind and reach out to him?

; A/N: I haven’t proof read because...well I don’t really want to re-read it. So forgive me for any mistakes! It’s early by a day because I’ve missed a few weeks so I want you all to have something on what is a rainy night here in England <3

PLEASE make sure to read the warnings on this one. This chapter is very hard hitting for anyone who has suffered depression/anxiety. I put myself back in the position I was in last year when I had my own breakdown and I know people have said before that I write in a way that makes you feel what the character is feeling. Therefore, please don’t read if you’re going to be affected by the warnings! And please also be kind if you don’t agree with the way I depicted this. This is how my own depression and anxiety affected me, only I didn’t have a Hoseok in my life. The experiences the reader goes through in this are the ones I personally have experienced. It’s still a reader insert, don’t worry. She after all has a lot of things I don’t, and I’m also okay, so don’t worry on that front either! If you feel upset about anything after reading this, please consider reaching out to friends, family, professionals or a helpline that specialises in it!

And remember throughout everything...you’re not alone! You’re not worthless and you are loved. <3

Leaning against the railing outside your work building, you let out a deep and heavy sigh as you read through the email you’d just received. It’s a rejection email. The third rejection email you’d received today and the twenty-third you’d received in two weeks.

After an in-depth talk with your parents and support from Chungha, Soyeon and Hoseok, you’d decided to finally try and get that career change you’d always wanted. Though you’d pointed out that you didn’t know what you wanted from life anymore.

You didn’t know what you wanted full stop.

One of the things that you’d been most afraid of when you’d realised that your relationship with Hoseok was turning into something genuine and real, had been what was going to come after. Not in terms of breaking up, though that did terrify you as well, but how your mental state was going to cope.

You’d tried to explain it to the girls a few times in an effort to get them to understand what went on in your rollercoaster of a mind, and you’d clumsily told Hoseok a few months ago. Or you’d tried at least.

Talking about your emotions wasn’t easy for you and the fear of being too honest about something so crippling with someone who meant so much to you already had scared you away from telling him too much. Your mind had balked at it, afraid that if he found out just how bad you got sometimes that he might just leave before he got in too deep.

So you’d given him a very bare bones explanation of what happened to you sometimes. He probably didn’t think too much of it at the moment as you’d been pretty cheerful throughout the start of your relationship; the bliss of him overriding any of your deep seated depression and anxieties.

Hoseok was obviously aware that you suffered from anxiety and had been very caring in regards to that, but it was entirely different to be with someone in the grip of a depressive episode. Your form of depression could almost be charted, it was that easy to see what was coming, and you’d been so afraid for the last few weeks.

The lethargy and disinterest that associated itself so strongly with your depression had been creeping back into your life slowly. It had frightened you, but you just didn’t know how to combat it. Doing things that were big or made you extremely happy always seemed to come with a huge cost, and the cost was unfortunately your mental health.

Every single time you felt exhilarating highs in your emotions, the feelings so joyful and euphoric from your excitement and pure happiness, you suffered a plunging crash afterwards that often felt like it sucked the joy out of your life. It was something you’d tried to cope with for years now, and sometimes you could go months upon months without feeling like it was affecting you.

But the happiness of finding Hoseok and all of the early stages of your relationship, from the first kiss to sex and meeting your parents, had finally waned. The last few weeks had the deep sense of unhappiness that plagued your negative moods spreading quickly.

It had started as usual with the slowly losing interest in going out; the energy you’d once had to be social outside of your apartment dying until the idea of anything other than work or grocery shopping was too much effort. Then had come the lack of interest in anything.

You’d always found it hard to see that you were slipping, only recognising it properly when you would realise that you’d been laid on your bed or the couch for hours on end, doing nothing at all. Any attempts to find something to watch on television failed as your brain couldn’t find anything interesting enough to keep it’s attention, games sat unplayed as you couldn’t find the energy to turn them on while even just reading bored you.

In particularly bad spells, such as your final year of college when you’d been so afraid of failing but also afraid of having to go into the real world, you struggled to find the energy to even get out of bed. Hygiene only became a thing because of your severe distaste of being unclean, but other than that your bed often became your home.

You would sleep for hours upon hours, napping the day’s away as you consoled yourself with the knowledge that you didn’t have anything to do and so therefore didn’t need to get up. Even though a small voice in the back of your mind told you that no, you should get up. You should do something.

That small voice was drowned out often though. Vanishing on a fast current of melancholy. It frightened you that you were experiencing that now again, even with the wonderful light and joy that was Hoseok in your life. Waking up long after he’d already gotten up on the weekend and realising that you didn’t want to get up and follow him, that not even the comfort of his arms was enough to soothe the jagged hole inside your soul that seemed to grow deeper and wider with every day that passed.

Applying for the jobs had been an appeasement to those in your life who were worried about you. You knew that Hoseok could tell something was wrong, but he just didn’t seem to know what to do or how to help. Understandable really, as you didn’t tell him what was wrong.

But staring down at your phone screen, the black letters bold against the white background that once more proclaimed you weren’t good enough, you felt something deep inside you break. Something that you hadn’t realised was holding on by the thinnest thread, chafing away with each negative thought that had passed through your mind over the years.

What’s the point?

The insipid question whispers through your mind.

Why am I trying?

A second slithers into place, taking comfort with its neighbour.

Why am I doing this?

A third nestles safely between the two brooding thoughts.

I’ll never be good enough for anything.

Leaning your head forehead, you let it rest on your hand on the railing, eyes closing as your other hand tightens on your phone. The hopelessness that your mind has spun to life explodes to life, multiplying into countless thoughts of desolation and gloom that somehow combine together to make your head feel heavy and your limbs tired.

Slumping down onto the ground, you turn and let your back press against the railings. It was your lunch currently and you were at the back of the parking lot that faced your building, the facade blank with no clue as to what was going on inside.

Blinking slowly, you realise that your breath is stuttering, almost choking itself. Like your throat is closing around nothing while your heart races a thousand miles a minute. Glancing down, you realise that your hands are shaking violently and you try to swallow, the movement so hard. And then you press a palm to your chest, a small whimper leaving your mouth as you simply try to breath.

But it all feels too much. It’s all just too much.

There’s nothing inside your head but despondency and yet your body feels too much, like it can’t cope. Your mind swings violently between the white fuzz of nothing and the sheer panic of a looming sense of dread, the fear of failure, rejection. The fear that you meant nothing and your life was nothing.

I can’t do this anymore.

It’s a simple thought, only five words long and it dances through your mind like a leaf on the breeze. Effortless and simple.

For a few seconds you think nothing of it, the part of your mind that wasn’t well agreeing with it and conceding that there was no point anymore. You weren’t doing anything useful in life anyway and you doubted anyone would truly notice if you’d gone. A cog in the machine of life, that’s all you were.

And cogs could be replaced after all.

But then that tiny voice that had been washed away earlier appeared again, resolute and defiant against the tidal waves of desolation that swamped it. The tiny kernel of hope and happiness that you’d once had, that had slowly grown and blossomed into a tree with roots so deep it couldn’t be moved. It was a little dejected and a little threadbare from lack of nourishment, but it was there all the same.

The part of you that didn’t want to give up, the part of you that wanted to fight for your life. The part that had spurred you to confidence to message Hoseok, that had encouraged you to keep going in college. The part of you that told you it didn’t want to give up, didn’t want to give in.

Your lungs are heaving now, body hunched over as you grip your legs so tightly, head pressed to your knees while salty tears drip down your face. A heartbeat that feels like it’s working overtime is so loud you can feel it in your chest, the tension in your arms and torso so strong that your muscles hurt from the ache of holding them for so long.

Eyes hot and stinging as the tears overflow, you press hard on your chest and try to regulate your breathing. Try to calm yourself down, to bring yourself back from the precipice of the pain and panic that you feel. The overwhelming rollercoaster of your emotions is giving you whiplash, the melancholy you had been swept with being beaten savagely by the fear of your inability to breath and the panic of how dark your thoughts had gotten.

You needed to talk to someone, you needed to see someone. You needed someone there, someone to tell you that it was okay. That you weren’t worthless. That you had value, that you were loved. That you would be missed. That life wouldn’t be okay without you, that you were needed and necessary. Someone to push away your thoughts for long enough to just let you think clearly.

You don’t even realise you’ve dialled his number, fingers moving on autopilot as if your body is trying to help when your mind has become so paralysed. It’s not until his voice finally manages to pierce through the incessant self-flagellation that your mind is undertaking that you blink in confusion, brow creasing as you wonder why he’s here.

Glancing up, you wipe away at the tears that keep falling and stare at your phone, squinting to focus. The familiar smiling face of your boyfriend stares back, a photo taken weeks back on a date day to the beach. Your heart clenched tightly and your breath shudders, the wheezing sound as your lungs work hard to try and get oxygen loud as you have the odd mixture of desperation to talk to him along with the dread of annoying him.

One of the things you’ve always hated was talking about these personal issues with people. Even though you knew rationally that people would rather you tell them about what was worrying and upsetting you, the gleefully self-destructive part of your mind told you that you were annoying them with your concerns.

But Hoseok was talking through the small speaker, his voice loud against the quiet scenery around you with only your hyperventilated breathing being the odd noise. And then his words finally made sense, the syllables that had broken through your ennui turning into sounds you understood.

It was the confusion in them that caused you to listen properly at first, the way he said your name repeatedly before the ragged sound of your breathing obviously began to register. Then your name became more frantic, the fear in his voice slicing through your own inner wail of despair.

“Y/N? Hello? Y/N are you there? Hellooo? Y/N? Are you okay? Hey, are you...Y/N are you crying? Y/N? Talk to me, come on. Answer me sweetheart, baby answer me. Y/N what’s wrong? Are you crying? Y/N please answer.” His voice is getting progressively louder, the concern and worry louder and you suddenly feel even more self-loathing at the knowledge you’ve panicked him.

“Hobi.” It’s all you can get out though, the word pushing past the tightness of your throat as it contracts so violently, air struggling to get past. Clutching your chest, you recognise an odd wailing sound that escapes with each breath outwards. Hands shaking, you press the phone to your ear and let out a broken sob, trying to talk to him.

“Baby, baby what’s wrong? Has something happened? Are you okay? Have you had an accident? Is it your parents?” He fires questions at you quickly, trying to find some answer as to why his girlfriend has called him in the middle of a workday only to be sobbing and wailing down the phone at him.

Particularly when you both knew how much you despised talking on the phone.

But just the sound of his voice is soothing to the frayed nerves within you, a balm to the deep and aching pain that lurks inside. It’s not enough to pull you out your breakdown, not yet at least. This isn’t a film and television show and you’re aware enough to realise that real life doesn’t happen like that.

God you felt warm, so warm. So unbelievably warm but the sweat on your skin is cold, like you’re ill. Squeezing your eyes shut, you choke as you inhale too fast and your diaphragm jerks in a way that has you almost hiccuping.

Even though he doesn’t actually know what’s happening, Hoseok still manages to do the right thing. Because he stops his own panicked questions, his voice suddenly stabilises and a calm tone taking over.

“Okay baby...baby, listen to me. Okay, you’re okay. You’re gonna be okay. It’s going to be okay sweetheart, I swear. Come on, can you hear me?” A torn sound of acknowledgement leaves you, your muscles aching with tiredness from how hard you’ve held yourself.

“That’s good, that’s really good baby. I want you to listen to me, okay? Listen to what I say and then do it for me. I want you to try and breathe in, take a big breath. Really big, come on, do it with me,” You hear him inhale loudly and you try to follow, the shakiness overtaking. “And now it let out. Nice and slow, come on. Do it again.”

He continues on encouraging you through it, his deep voice that you’ve fallen so deeply for so soothing and reassuring. It almost makes you want to cry just hearing it, but you listen to what he says. Closing your own eyes and simply focusing on inhaling and exhaling, pushing all the negativity away until all that’s left is breathing.

Finally, after what feels like an hour, you realise that your breaths are jerky but almost stable. Deep breathes in and out help your body to relax itself, muscles releasing while the demons of depression and anxiety take a step back in your mind. They’re still there, you can feel them hovering over the edges, but you feel like you can cope again.

Wiping at your face once more, you sniff and almost burst into tears again when you realise how utterly pathetic you feel. How stupid you are to fall apart like that over a job rejection of all things. And those demons inch forward, whispering into the fragile parts of you.

“Y/N, are you with me? Are you okay?” Leaning your head back against the railing, you nod quietly before remembering he’s not actually there. The first time you try to speak, your voice is croaky and what sounds like a bubble pops in your throat.

The second time works though. “I’m here. I’m...Hobi...I just...I can’t.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the words cause you to start crying once more. But this time, there’s none of the panic and fear behind them. These tears are blazingly hot, your skin prickling from the salt of them while your head pounds from the previous crying and emotional ride you’d just gone through.

This time, your tears were because you simply wanted him there. You wanted to just bury yourself in his arms and try to forget what had happened.

“Okay, okay. I don’t know what’s wrong, but do you think you can go back to work? Or do you need to come home?” The very idea of going back into the office, sitting at your desk and doing all the mindless jobs that you loathe and despise with every fibre of your being fills you with a surge of feelings that makes you gasp in pain, head shaking rapidly.

You can’t, not today. You can’t go back to that, you can’t go back to the thoughts that this is going to be your life. That this is all you’ll ever be. All you’ll ever be worth. That you’ll never be good enough for anything.

“No.” It’s whimpered out, so soft and quiet but carrying a level of pain that you can’t even begin to properly explain to him. He understands though, a quiet sigh of his own as he obviously considers what to do.

“Okay...go in and ask them if you can take the rest of the day off. Tell them you’re ill. That you’ve been throwing up or something, whatever it takes. Are you okay to drive? Or do you want me to come get you?” Glancing over at your car, the Hyundai your dad had helped you to buy that was a dream compared to your previous car, you chew on your lip as you wipe at your face.

“I can drive. I can drive, it’s not far.”

“Good. Go home and rest. I’ll be home when I can. Do you want to talk about whatever just happened when I do?” Looking down at the ground, you consider it before sniffling quietly.

“Yeah. I think I should.” Your voice cracks on the last word, yet more tears filling your eyes as your lip trembles dangerously. The thought of telling him is terrifying, but you feel like you’ve gone too far down this dark road now. And you don’t want to walk down it alone anymore, not when what you’re finding is so terrifying and scary.

“Okay. I’ll see you at home then.”

It was surprisingly easy to get your boss to let you go home early, easier than you thought it would have been. But maybe you looked a little worse than someone who had been throwing up, given the puffiness of your eyes and the overall haggard appearance you’d managed to take on. You didn’t look well, which worked in your favour in terms of being able to go home.

But you didn’t look well because you weren’t well. And you knew this.

As soon as you got home, you’d practically torn off your clothes before slipping on a well worn pair of soft grey leggings and a fuzzy sweatshirt, the material so soft on your body. It’s approaching the end of November and you revel in the warmth it offers you, curling on the couch into a tight ball with your head buried into the velvety Pusheen pillow that Hoseok had bought you a few weeks ago.

The soft padding of tiny paws on the wood floor alerts you to an incoming presence and you smile tiredly when Kasumi jumps up onto the couch with you, chirping at you quietly before butting her head against yours. Gently, you stroke at her fur and sigh as she settles, her head buried firmly into your neck and her small body vibrating as she purrs away happily.

“Are you happy my little purrbaby? Yeah?” You whisper to her, running your thumb over her silken ears before pressing your nose against her sleek fur. “My favourite little girl, aren’t you? A purry baby.”

The next few minutes consist of you just muttering nonsense to her as usual, your hand stroking automatically as you revel in the solid warmth of her against you. She remains where she is, paws flexing open and closed as the she pads at your chest and you can’t help the tiny smile that escapes as she does so.

“I love you, yes I do.” Maybe it’s a sign of how bad of a person you are that the only person you feel even remotely comfortable saying that to is your own cat. A cat who can’t answer back. Though maybe that’s the point. She relies on you for survival, therefore her love is a given.

Other’s though?

Her ears twitch suddenly and her eyes widen, that familiar look of alarm taking over her feline features and causing her to jerk upright. Frowning, you coo to her before realising you can hear the door opening.

A quick glance at the clock tells you that it’s not even 2pm and your brow creases in confusion. You go to question whoever it is, only he appears from the hallway into the room and your throat tightens immediately.

Hoseok isn’t wearing a fancy suit this time, instead just a pair of black jeans with a black button-up, his socks a contrast in white. His work had since changed their dress code policy to smart-casual, hence his jeans. But he wasn’t supposed to finish until 5pm.

“Why are you here?” Your words aren’t nearly as solid as you intended them to be, the sounds shaky and he lets out a tiny sigh.

“You really think I was gonna stay at work for the next few hours after my girlfriend, who hates using the phone, calls me and all I can hear is hyperventilating and crying? And then she’s so not okay that she actually goes home? No way. I’m gonna work the time back later but I felt that you shouldn’t be alone right now.” He makes it all sound so simple, like there wasn’t even a question in his mind about what he’d do.

It chips away at something inside you, a chink in the solid wall of protection you’d built over the years that held back all your deepest and darkest fears and concerns from others. And in an instant, that wall shatters in a tsunami of emotion.

Lips trembling violently while your vision blurs from the tears filling it, you simply open your arms to him and whimper out his name in a tone so broken and lost that it almost makes Hoseok cry just hearing it. Not that you know that, nor can you see the way his face crumples for a moment at seeing you break so quickly.

You don’t see because the tears block your vision of him, but you feel it when he sits on the couch next to you and wraps you in his arms. Without a word, you squeeze your arms around him so tightly, as if you were afraid that if you let go then he’d vanish.

And you let yourself break in the comfort of his embrace, in the safety of presence and the reassurance of his stability. A horrible sound of pure agony escapes your throat, dragged from the deepest depths and a part of you is surprised at it. At how much pain it encapsulates.

Once you start though, you can’t stop and you simply cry into Hoseok’s arms, letting yourself go in a way that you never have before. Exposing your vulnerabilities and all the jagged points of pain inside your psyche that you’d kept hidden for so long, afraid that no one would care or would see them as a sign of weakness if you let them out.

Hoseok doesn’t judge you though, he doesn’t complain or sigh in annoyance. Instead, he spends the next ten minutes simply hugging you so tightly to him, his hands stroking your back in long movements that soothe you and reassure you that he’s here, that he cares. Vaguely, you recognise him whispering things to you but you don’t put enough thought into what he’s saying.

The earlier breakdown you’d suffered had been frightening and painful; the fear of not understanding what was happening properly combining with the gaping hole of self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy. This didn’t feel like a breakdown though. It felt cathartic almost, like each sob that escaped you, each tear that wet Hoseok’s shirt was another weight being lifted off your mind and shoulders.

By the time you finally calm down enough until the tears are silent and the only noise you make is the hiccuped breathing of someone who’s cried so hard their throat and eyes hurt, you feel almost relaxed. Maybe crying was a good thing sometimes, but you knew that it was because you’d come to terms with the fact that you had to talk about your issues and most importantly, you had to reach out to others for help.

Now the room is completely quiet, only broken by the occasional sniffle from you. You’d expected him to start asking questions immediately but he doesn’t, instead just holding you in a protective embrace while you calm down.

Oddly, it makes you feel a little better that he doesn’t freak out or pepper you with questions. His reassuring presence helps to calm your frayed nerves and you find yourself playing with one of the buttons on his shirt, bottom lip pouting out as you realise his shirt is plastered to his chest from your tears.

“I’m sorry about your shirt.” You whisper, voice hoarse and low. There’s no response for a second before he lets out a breathy laugh, warm lips pressing to your hairline affectionately.

“That’s fine. It’s just a shirt,” Hoseok pauses, shifting to hug you in a more comfortable position on the couch. “Do you want to talk about it?”

The way he leaves the question open for you lets you know that he’s giving you an out, a way to turn him down. You know he wouldn’t be particularly happy if you didn’t talk about what had caused you to have such a breakdown, but he would acknowledge your decision.

“I just...I got another rejection.” Fingers smooth at the wrinkles in his shirt, the text from the email running through your mind once more and you can practically feel your spirit sinking again. “I don’t know, it just...it got too much. I know it sounds really stupid and I can’t really explain it all or anything but...it was just too much. Everything has been too much lately and yet I just feel so empty and uncaring.”

Hoseok doesn’t interrupt you, letting you spill out your inner thoughts to him, even if they don’t make a lot of sense.

“I’ve been...I mean...lately I...I’m not...I’m not okay.” Your voice wavers dangerously, lip trembling and you tighten your hand on the fabric of his shirt. “I just feel...I can’t...I can’t, I just can’t. I don’t feel like I can do this anymore, it’s just so hard. So hard to get up and go to work when I hate my fucking job. It’s like my mind is dying every second in there and my soul is shrivelling up too. But I’m not good enough to get out and I’ll never get out and all I can think is...is this it? Is this going to be my life? Is this all I’ll ever do? Is this all I’ll ever be worth? Is this all I’ll do? And the thought of this being all I do for the rest of my life is...I mean...I just...I can’t Hoseok. I can’t, I can’t do it. I don’t even want to wake up if I have to do this forever.”

The words are rushed from you, blurring together as you feel the deep hysteria and panic rising within you once more. Hands clenching his shirt are shaking while your breath is coming a little faster again and your poor, swollen eyes are stinging from the heat of yet more tears. You’d have thought you had none left to cry.

“It’s like everything is weighing me down, all of it. My job, my lack of career, my finances and just me as a person. It’s all building in my head and I just...I can’t. But at the same time I feel nothing inside. I wake up and wonder why I’m bothering to get up because I have nothing to do, I can’t focus on shows or games or books. I’m lethargic and unhappy and the idea of going out just makes me want to cry. I drove home from the store the other day and the entire time I felt like there was a hive of bees in my stomach, all angry and my heart was racing. I didn’t even know what I was anxious about! That’s not normal and it happens all the time. I’ve tried, for you and my parents and friends but it always comes back. I can’t do it anymore, I can’t.” You’re not entirely sure what you can’t do, but you say it so forcefully that Hoseok simply nods.

He doesn’t speak at first, contemplating what to say and trying to remember what his therapist had discussed with him all those years ago when he’d gone. It was hard, because obviously your case wasn’t like his. But he wanted to help, or at least try and guide you in the right direction. Because you were reaching out, and he wanted to be the one to hold you steady while you fought your way out of the darkness.

“How long have you been feeling like this? I’ve noticed you pulling away recently, I didn’t want to push you on it though.” Hoseok admits, his voice soothing as he runs a thumb along your cheek, wiping your tears away.

Almost childishly, you shrug. “I don’t know. It comes and goes. I always...I hate doing things that make me happy or excited because I always crash after. And the longer my happiness goes on, the harder and further I crash after. It’s like my mind can’t cope with just...being...normal.”

Hoseok shakes his head firmly then, pulling back slightly to get you to look at him. His eyes are worried and his expression is concerned, but you can tell he’s determined. You can also tell that you’ve just said something that he disagrees with.

“Don’t call yourself not normal. At the risk of sounding like some lame quote from the early 2010s, there’s no such thing as normal. You’re just...you’re not okay right now. I think we can both tell that. And there’s nothing wrong with not being okay. There’s nothing wrong with admitting you’re having mental health problems and I hope you won’t be angry with me for saying it but...this...today...baby I think you need to see a doctor or something. I can’t tell you what will help because I don’t know, and I don’t want to mess it up. But you have to want to get help.”

Looking down at your hands, you sniff quietly as you contemplate what he’s said. As per usual, he’s said it sweetly and in a way that isn’t offensive. The very idea of admitting that you had mental health issues made you quail inside, wanting to tell him that he was wrong and you were fine.

But he wasn’t wrong...and you weren’t fine.

“What if they don’t believe me? Or tell me it’s just in my head? Or that I’m just sad or something? And what if work finds out and they get angry at me? People will tell me I’m just faking it or something, looking for attention.” The stereotypes slip from your lips without you realising it but you’re worried.

Despite the push for being more open around mental health lately, you know that people still don’t view it positively. That admitting depression or anxiety can often come with an eye roll or an exasperated sigh. You knew how it went, you weren’t depressed you were just tired or weren’t willing to put in effort and so forth.

But you knew it wasn’t that. It couldn’t be, not when it felt so real and strong.

“Sweetheart, if they think at your work then fuck them. You already hate that place and you’re looking for something new. Don’t let them get to you, you are more important than anyone there. And if they want to act like shit around something as serious as this, then they don’t deserve you. Your doctor should listen, and if they don’t then make them listen. They’re there for you, not the other way around. It’s in your head purely because it’s your mental health and it can be helped. I won’t lie, it’s probably not gonna get cured. But you’ll find ways to cope. And I’ll be here for you. So will your parents and your friends. We care for you and we want you to be okay.” He rubs at your arms then, his touch warm even through the soft material of your sweater.

“I’ve watched you draw into yourself and it’s worried me for a while now. But if you’re willing to reach out to me at your lowest, which I’m going to assume that breakdown was your lowest, then I think you want help. I can’t make it go away, but I can help support you while you get your feet back under you. Will you consider going to the doctor? Please?”

Pushing your head into his neck harder, you sniff hard and pushing the sleeves of your sweater past your hands. Your heart races at the thought of discussing your personal issues with someone you don’t know, but you know Hoseok is right. You need help, you need to reach out.

Swallowing hard, you realise that you need to do what he’s suggesting. You don’t want to get back to that point where you realised you didn’t care if you lived or died anymore. Because you wanted your life to get better. You just didn’t have the tools to pull yourself out of the swamp.

“Okay. I’ll go.” His body relaxes imperceptibly at your agreement and you feel bad, realising how worried he must have been for you. But that worry vanishes when he tilts your head up to his, a sweet smile on his face before he kisses you gently.

“Good. You won’t regret it, I swear. And thank you. For trusting me enough to call me when you were afraid and for telling me now. I want to try and help you anyway I can. I know what it’s like to feel very lost and afraid. I just got angry at the world though. So...please talk to me when you’re not feeling okay, even if you think I’m going to be annoyed or can’t be bothered. Because I’d rather you talk and vent to me than do something else.” And suddenly, you realise he’s got tears in his own eyes.

Reluctant tears you can tell, the way he gives a small smile that’s forced, his dimples showing but no real happiness behind it. Swallowing, your own smile wobbles too as you realise that he must have been so worried.

“I will. I swear. I swear.” His lips press to your forehead, resting there long after he’s finished his kiss and you simply embrace it, absorbing his deep feelings to you that you can tell he has even though he doesn’t say a word. Unsurprising really, because you feel all the positive and warm feelings you have towards him blossoming through the hollowness in your chest.

He’s not going to fix you and you both know that. But you’re surprised to realise that you don’t want him to either. That this is something you have to start yourself. For your own peace of mind but also so that you don’t become reliant on him while pressuring Hoseok with something as precarious as your mental health.

You’ve reached out for help finally, and now you just need to accept the help you’re given in turn.

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stillness-in-green · 3 years

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Ahistorical, Absurd, and Unsustainable (Thanks + Sources and Further Reading)

This post concludes the essay-as-written. I'm going to try to get a full version up on AO3 within the next few days, which I will link here (ETA: here) and on my tumblr generally. It will have properly hotlinked footnotes and a table of contents. It will also probably be all in one chapter, as it was intended to be read, with the exception of the resources below.

Thanks to @codenamesazanka, who provided me a lot of useful links to resources on Japanese law when I was still just spitting overheated hypotheses into the void. Thanks also to @robotlesbianjavert, @aysall and my tumblr-less BF for their game beta-reads, their catches of some grammar and spelling mistakes that would have ranged from annoying to mortifying, and for the checks on my thought process and organizational flow. Thanks to everyone in my chat group for putting up with me when I had a mini "oh god what am I doing I'm not a lawyer" meltdown over my first draft Logistics conclusions.

And thanks to all of the people on tumblr who read and reblogged this! If any of you want some further reading on the topics I discussed, or if you just want to double-check my information, see below to conclude:

Ahistorical, Absurd, and Unsustainable: An Examination of the Mass Arrest of the Paranormal Liberation Front

Introduction and Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four and Conclusion

Sources and Further Reading

I tended to start with Wikipedia and then either follow their source links or Google for further information when I needed more detail or to clear up the occasional bit of conflicting information. Unfortunately, I wasn’t thinking quite far enough in advance to save a link to every single source I used, but I’ve done my best to either dig them back up in retrospect or find another source relaying similar information.

All direct quotes, excerpted panels and canonical information comes from Viz's official translation of My Hero Academia or My Hero Academia: Vigilantes.

///

Overviews on the pre-war Japanese incidents I cited for comparative purposes:

The March 15 Incident

The February 26 Incident

The Rice Riots. Further information sourced from the rather more detailed Japanese page.

The formation and immediate ban of the Farmer-Labor Party.

///

General reading on uprisings, riots, coups, and protests that otherwise got out of hand.

The Era of Popular Violence

Rebellions in Japan

Attempted Coups in Japan

///

On Aum Shinrikyo and the sarin gas attacks:

Wikipedia has some basics, but further information was sourced from a Congress report on Aum some seven months after the attack and this Aum retrospective written last year.

The Wikipedia page on Underground.

For another story wrestling with these topics, consider giving the anime Mawaru Penguindrum a whirl. Without explicitly telling you that's what it's doing, it deals with the difficulties—stigma leading to ostracization, depression and radicalization—faced by the children of a fictionalized Aum Shinrikyo expy some years following an equally obvious fictionalized expy of the sarin gas attacks, as well as critically depicting the state of society that may have lead members of Japan’s “Lost Generation” to cults like Aum to begin with. There’s a good but spoilerific breakdown on that aspect of the show here.

///

International referents:

India’s Million Man March, and a BBC report on the arrests/detainments.

An article about a lawsuit brought by the ACLU over the Baltimore arrests, and the cite on 24-hour releases.

This article is my source of the 1,200 number on the mass trials in Egypt. This one is a more in-depth look at the problems with the trials, while this one shows that the mass trial problems are still ongoing.

///

Japan’s laws:

The Peace Preservation Laws

English translations of the Penal Code and the Subversive Activities Prevention Act.

An overview of the state of criminal conspiracy law in Japan circa 2007, looking at the first incarnation of what would eventually become the 2017 law.

A scathing opinion piece on said 2017 law.

A citation on the Subversive Activities Prevention Act being invoked against Aum, and only Aum. Dated year-of, but there have been no invocations of it since, despite Japan seeing a marked upswing in anti-new religious movement sentiment after the sarin gas attacks.

///

Japan’s penal system:

A broad overview on Wikipedia.

Two sources for numbers, one less recent, but with more context and detail here; another with the most recent numbers available here.

Cite for 2018 number of arrests.

///

The trial process and criminal justice:

An exhaustive report on the structures, status, and proceedings of criminal justice in Japan at every stage from the initial arrest to post-release services circa 2019.

The Wikipedia article on pre-trial detention cells in Japan, which has a decent overview of why they’re controversial. See also the entry for the role of confessions in the indictment process.

Cite for the number of deaths caused by law enforcement in Japan in 2018.

An overview on lay judges, and an article on the Japanese public’s broad discomfort with the system.

A good article on the high conviction rate and what activists call “hostage justice.”

Another good article on the conviction rate, this one touching on several of the aspects I mention about lenient sentences and coerced confessions, as well as some that I didn't, like corrupt or compromised judges.

A broad look at attorneys in Japan and, buried in an article on the lay judge system because I could not for the life of me find the interview I read that talked about it, a citation for the unpopularity of defense attorneys. (Footnote 365)

A Wikipedia page for Yasuda Yoshihiro, who I quipped about in a footnote and refrained from explaining further. Long story short, he’s maybe the example of an unpopular defense attorney in Japan, an anti-death penalty activist who has served as defense in a number of high-profile cases, absolutely the most notable of which was that of Asahara Shoukou, the leader of Aum Shinrikyo.

An interview with the CEO of Cross Career, an employment agency founded by an ex-convict and dedicated to helping others like him find work. Talks some about the stigma around felons and how it impacts recidivism in Japan.

///

On children in Japan:

An exhaustive rundown on the state of alternative childcare in Japan.

An article about the way children’s independence is founded on a strong faith in their community, and a post that mentions the TV program Hajimete no Otsukai (My First Errand).

///

On AEDs:

An article from relatively early on—back in 2007—in the rollout. From the following year, there’s this rather drier but informative article from a medical journal discussing the effectiveness of the movement thus far and steps that could be taken to make the public more confident in using the devices.

///

Further relevant My Hero Academia meta:

Tumblr user @codenamesazanka has posted some excerpts and discussion about Murakami’s Underground and how the issues Murakami raises can also be seen in My Hero Academia.

My take on the MLA and quirk supremacy, part of a much longer piece covering my general lore on the MLA, its members, and its history. For some more specific discussion on why I think the series itself supports the view that the MLA at large was not as hardline quirk supremacist as Geten claims, see Geten’s section “On Quirk Supremacy (and Re-Destro, still)” in this post about my headcanons for the canonical MLA members.

#bnha meta #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha #my writing #plf arrests #stillness has salt

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hopesbarnes · 4 years

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Black Swan (6)

Summary: Y/N used to be a Russian spy under the code name Black Swan. But that was a lifetime ago. Now she’s a part-time avenger, dance teacher, surrogate sister to Natasha Romanoff, and trainer to new Shield Agents. She’s come a long way from the days of killing targets and being tortured. But when someone from her past comes around will she be able to ignore her history anymore? Or will she end up falling in love with the only man her sister ever loved?

A/N: There will be a double post tomorrow at 9pm and I promise you it’s good! Also! If you haven’t seen my post about taglist please check it out (I just reblogged it) If you are currently on tags and I don’t hear back I will remove you.

((also huge shoutout to @disaffectedbarnes for helping out and catching my dumb spelling mistake))

Later on, when you’re back at the compound you run into Bucky. Literally.

“I’m- oh hey! Sorry!” you said when you realized who you had run into.

He blinked at you a few times then simply said, “You like movies.” It wasn’t really a question, more like a statement so you nodded and he grinned wide.

“I started watching movies from this list online, it said that they’re movies everyone should see. I’m on this one now, wanna watch it together?” he asks bashfully holding up Titanic. Upon seeing the title you agree.

“It’s one of my favorite movies, but we need tissues and food before we start. It’s like three hours long,” you say heading into the kitchen him following in tow.

“Tissues?” he asks.

“Trust me.”

A little bit later you have pizza, chips, tissues, and tea and you’re setting up the movie.

“Sinkin’ happened a few years ‘fore I was born. Ma talked about it once I think, and we learned about it in class,” he says.

“I always forget how old you are,” you say amazed that he was only a few years younger than the ship.

You’re at the point in the movie where Rose jumps back on the ship and Celine Dion is playing in the background. You’re full-on crying and Bucky looks over to catch your mouthing along to the “You jump, I jump right?” line. He pauses the movie to look over and ask if you’re okay. But instead of answering you just scold him for pausing and tell him to shush and watch. He just nods a small smile on his face despite the movie.

As the band stays to continue playing the tears are falling down your face even more. Bucky reaches out to hold your hand and rub circles across your palm as he watches the movie intently. When the scene of the elderly couple in bed and mother tucking her kids plays you swear you see a single tear fall down Bucky’s face.

When Bucky watches Rose realize Jacks’s dead you actually see Bucky crying. Not just a few tears, but completely puffy-eyed. When the movie ends you’re now completely cuddled up against him and both of you have tears free-flowing down your faces.

“That was beautiful. And sad. But mostly beautiful. I mean they really loved each other.” he says after a few minutes.

“Yeah, makes you wish you had someone to give everything up for.” He looks at you for a moment, and you look back holding his gaze. For some reason, you can’t look away. This man who has been through so much holds your attention and you realize it’s not that you can’t look away, it’s that you don’t want to.

After a minute of just holding each other’s eyes, he slowly leans in and you don’t pull back. You can barely see his face, the low lighting of the credits is the only thing lighting the room. But it’s enough, and as his lips meet yours you feel right. Your hand reaches up to hold his cheek, and his arms circle around your waist, almost as if making sure you are really kissing him. Your eyes are closed tight, and all you feel is his soft salty lips, still wet from the tears that fell. The kiss isn’t rushed or intense like every other kiss you’ve had before this one. No, it’s tame and affectionate and you can feel each and every one of his emotions all at once. Your mouth moves in time with his. And it feels like home. He feels like home, like safety and everything you’ve ever run from. And just as soon as it began it was over.

“I uh- that was nice,” he says completely flushed.

You laugh lightly, “Yeah, it really was.”

He smiles at the sound of your laugh. “Promise you won’t tell anyone I cried, it would ruin their ideas of me.”

You laugh even more, “I promise, but in return don’t tell anyone about that kiss. I want to figure this out with you first before anyone knows.” Mostly Natasha.

He nods, “so this is a this?” He asks timidly.

“Yeah, I think I want it to be.” he nods again and you just lay in his arms for some time, feeling perfectly content.

Later on, you leave his room. But not before a few more kisses, and promises of returning tomorrow. You head back to your room tired from the long day and fall asleep. It’s the first night in a long time you don’t wake up or have nightmares, and you have a small inkling as to why that might be.

The next morning you wake to multiple texts from Natasha. Your phone buzzing nonstop and you somehow manage to grab it, and open your eyes enough to read her texts.

Nat: So…

Nat: I slept over his house.

Nat: I’m in deep

Nat: Haven’t felt this way since I was young

Nat: Wake! Up! Need to talk about this!!

You reply half groggily.

Y/N: Coffee and food. Need. Talk while eat. Ok. 5 minutes.

Somehow Nat understands your choppy text and sends an okay back. You begrudgingly get up and throw on some clean clothes and meet her in your kitchen. She’s by the stove humming to herself.

“Morning sleepyhead,” she says far too cheery for 7:30 am.

“No.” you reply honestly.

She shakes her head and sets down coffee and a plate of Blini.

“Блины? Должно быть, он был очень хорош в постели, чтобы ты приготовила мне блины.” (Blini? He must have been really good in bed for you to make me pancakes.) you say while eating.

“Сисси, О Боже, это было хорошо,” (Sissy, oh god was it good) She says sitting next to you with a plate of her own.

The two of you breakdown into giggles. She tells you more about her night, and how birdbrain is just as accurate and precise in bed as he is with his bow. She seems happy, happier than you’ve seen her in a long time.

All you want is to feel just as happy as her, and maybe Bucky is your chance at that.

#bucky x reader #natasha romanoff #bucky barnes fluff #Bucky Barnes #sebastian stan

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grailfinders · 4 years

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Fate and Phantasms #56: Kiyohime

Today on Fate and Phantasms, we’re building everyone’s most persistent stalker, Kiyohime! She’s a pure, 100% Draconic Bloodline Sorcerer, with the power of fire, fire, and more fire to... “protect” those she holds dear.

Check out the build summary here, or the level-by-level breakdown below the cut!

Race and Background

You were a human right up until you turned into a dragon and killed your boyfriend, so we’ll split the difference and call you a Dragonborn. I’m using a White dragonborn here, but you change colors on ascension, so black or blue are also options, or you could go with whatever color you want, it’s not a huge deal. Dragonborn get +2 Strength and +1 Charisma, a Breath Weapon based on their color (white is a 15′ cone of cold with a constitution save) that you can use once per short rest. It has a save DC of 8 plus your constitution modifier plus your proficiency, and starts by dealing 2d6 damage and growing as you level up. You also resist your own damage type, so you can chill out even in your lancer form.

Kiyohime’s backstory is... really nondescript, actually. She’s the daughter of someone rich enough to entertain company. Since there isn’t much flavor to work with here, we’ll instead shoot for a mechanical match. The Urban Bounty Hunter background gives you proficiency with Insight and Stealth, so you can make sure your beloved isn’t lying to you, and follow him around without troubling him. The Bounty Hunter’s background feature also lets you track people in populated areas- great for when your beloved gets “lost”.

Stats

Your highest stat is your Charisma. You have a very... forceful personality. Your Dexterity is second, you’re good at sneaking around and chasing people down. Third is Constitution, dragons are pretty tough, and it’s the only other physical stat we really need. Your Strength isn’t bad, and your racial bonus bumps it up to slightly more berserker-ish levels. Your Intelligence isn’t great-you're not dumb, but we need other things more-and you’re dumping Wisdom. You're good at tracking your Anchin, but other annoyances like “how Anchin feels about me” and “reality” just get in the way.

Class Levels

1. As I said above, you’re a Draconic Bloodline Sorcerer. You’re not technically related to any dragons, but that just means your bloodline starts with you. When you start as a sorcerer, you have proficiency in Constitution and Charisma saves as well as two sorcerer skills. Intimidation and Persuasion will help impose your delusions onto the rest of the party without having to barbeque them, and the DM will thank you for avoiding that.

First level sorcerers can cast Spells, using your Charisma as your casting ability. Your Dragon Ancestor gives you a preferred damage type based on their color (we’re going with Red here, this build’s obviously fire based). You also double your proficiency in charisma checks related to dragons. You also get Draconic Resilience, adding an extra 1 HP for each level you take in this class, and giving you an unarmored AC of 13 + your dexterity modifier.

For cantrips, Control Flames is prestidigitation, but for fire. Get creative, and it will serve you well. Mending will help you become the perfect housewife so Anchin will stop running away. Create Bonfire can also help here, with the added benefit of letting you roast that silly-billy alive if he keeps rejecting you. Fire Bolt also fits into our secret theme (hint: it’s fire).

For first level spells, Burning Hands lets you breathe even more fire over an area, and Silent Image will let you turn into a dragon, or at least make it look like you can.

2. Second level sorcerers become a Font of Magic, gaining sorcery points equal to their level. Currently, you can use these points to regain spell slots, or burn spell slots for more points.

For your spell, Disguise Self is a slightly better transformation that follows your movements, though like Silent Image, it’s still immaterial. It will make it easier to tail Anchin without him noticing though, so it’s not a complete loss.

3. Your Metamagic options let you customize spells to better suit your needs. Empowered Spell lets you reroll a number of damage dice to get higher numbers. Your fire breath needs to be able to melt metal, it’s going to be hot. Twinned Spell lets you double cast a single target spell. Most fire spells are AoE, but you’ll be able to force Anchin to turn into a snake with you, and that’s... kinda romantic? I guess?

Grab Mind Spike this level. It deals a bit of psychic damage, but if the target fails their wisdom save you’ll know where they are no matter where they go on this plane-as long as you keep concentration. Sometimes your love requires a bit of pain. Or a lot of pain.

4. Use your first ASI to become an Elemental Adept. Now, your fire spells ignore resistance, and all 1s on damage rolls count as 2s. Again: Fire. Hot. Not sure how many times I can say this.

For spells, Dragon’s Breath lets you correct WoTC’s embarrassing mistake of giving you cold breath as a racial feat. Now you can give yourself (or another creature) Acid, Cold, Fire, Lightning, or Poison Breath that it can use as an action for as long as you keep concentration, up to a minute.

While you’re breathing all that fire, you can use Message to keep in contact with Anchin so he knows how much you love him. (You actually can’t, they both use your action, but talking’s a free action anyway.)

5. Fifth level spellcasters get third level spells, including the most iconic spell in the game, Fireball. I’m going to stop bringing up my reasoning for fire now; I’ll only pipe up when a spell isn’t fire related.

6. Sixth level draconic sorcerers get an Elemental Affinity for their ancestor’s damage type. Whenever you cast a spell that deals Fire damage, you add your Charisma to the damage. Also when casting that kind of spell, you can spend 1 Sorcery Point to gain resistance to fire damage for an hour.

For your spell this level, you need to be able to detect when someone’s lying to you, and sorcerers don’t get zone of truth. Detect Thoughts can be even better though-Anchin has nothing to hide, so he shouldn’t mind too much. No point in even asking, really.

7. For your first fourth level spell, Polymorph lets you or another creature transform into a beast with a CR equal to or less than your class level or CR. Sadly, dragons and hydras don’t fit that description, but you can still turn into a Giant Constrictor Snake.

8. Use your next ASI to bump up your Charisma for more fire power. Grab Aganazzar’s Scorcher for the same reason.

9. Ninth level sorcerer, meet fifth level spells. Grab Immolation for self-explanatory reasons.

10. You get another Metamagic option at this level. Distant Spell lets you double a spell’s range, so you can stalk your prey from afar.

For spells, Prestidigitation is like Control Flames but for everything, and Far Step will help speed you along. Anchin’s a monk, and none of your features so far speed you up, so if you want to keep up with him you’ll have to teleport.

11. For your Sixth level spell, Investiture of Flame turns you into a firebreathing powerhouse, and makes you immune to fire damage as well.

12. Use your next ASI to gain the Dragon Fear feature, bumping up your Constitution to an even number to gain 12 extra health. This also lets you use your breath weapon without breaking canon, so everyone wins.

13. For your Seventh level spell, Fire Storm is fire.

14. Fourteenth level draconic sorcerers gain Dragon Wings. As a bonus action, you can grow a pair of wings, giving you a flying speed equal to your normal movement speed. I’d argue you can bring this with you into polymorphs, if solely so you can become a true flying snake.

15. For your Eighth level spell, grab Incendiary Cloud.

16. Max out your Charisma with another ASI for the most powerful fire you can get.

17. For your last Metamagic option, grab Heightened Spell to weaken one creature’s resistances to your magic. This is useful for some extra fire damage or, y’know, *cough*ifyouwantamonktofailawisdomsave*cough*.

For your final spell, grab Wish. We’re not entirely sure how you keep following Guda into events, but this is the only explanation we’ve got that makes sense.

18. Your Draconic Presence lets you create a 60′ aura of fear or awe for up to a minute with concentration. Hostiles who start their turn within the aura must make a wisdom save or become frightened of or charmed by you respectively until the aura ends. Creatures who succeed on this save can’t be affected by it again for 24 hours.

19. Use your last ASI to bump up your Constitution for better concentration and more health.

20. Your capstone ability, Sorcerous Restoration, lets you regain 4 sorcery points on short rests. You could’ve taken three levels of warlock and gotten the same effect way earlier, but let’s not tell WoTC that.

Pros

You have high constitution for a spellcaster, making you very tough for a ranged fighter, and your concentration saves are also pretty solid.

Your firepower is immense, with the ability to reroll dice you don’t like, add your charisma modifier, and never roll less than a 2 on each die, your fire spells are always pretty strong no matter how bad your luck is.

Flight is good. Flight on a ranged attacker is really good. Concentration free flight on a spellcaster is amazing.

Cons

A vast majority of your damage comes only from fire, so if something immune to fire shows up (which, if your DM is playing to your character, it will), you’ll be completely useless.

Most of your non-fire spells require concentration, so you’ll have to pick and choose what you want, and when you want it. For example, turning into a flying, fire-breathing snake would be super flavorful for this build, but that would require Dragon’s Breath and Polymorph at the same time, so you can’t do it.

Once again, your Wisdom is terrible, and your Dexterity is only okay. Don’t get cornered, and don’t fight bards.

Just remember the loved ones you’re fighting for, and you’ll be able to pull through and finish your glorious quest to murder them.

Next up: Gunnhild! (And her husband, I guess)

#fgo #fate grand order #d&d 5e #Kiyohime #Fate and Phantasms

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chocoluckchipz · 4 years

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The Other You - 8

Read it on A03, FF.net, WattPad

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Before he was cursed with the sinking ship of his father’s company, Adrien loved to sleep in on the weekends. Now, he was lucky to get even half of what he’d usually slept, considering that in addition to his work at Gabriel, it was also the end of the spring semester at his school and the workload was overwhelming. Just a little longer, though, and he’d be free to focus on his ‘help Marinette and finally atone for your sins’ mission full-time. Adrien could hardly wait, which was a little weird considering how much stuff he’d have to learn and do to make that happen.

“What are you grinning about?” Plagg yawned, floating out of his bed-bucket.

Adrien stretched. “Nothing in particular. Just that things are finally starting to look brighter.”

“Lying to your girlfriend to get food out of her is bright?” Plagg scoffed, flying away to the kitchen.

“I haven’t told a single lie, and she isn’t my girlfriend.”

“You kissed her, and you liked it.”

“Can you let it go, Plagg? We’ve talked about this. It wasn’t—”

“Man, she’s going to hate you even more when she finds out who exactly was kissing her.”

Adrien glared at the pesky creature. “That’s why we aren’t telling her, Plagg.”

“She’ll find out eventually,” the kwami shrugged, stuffing his mouth with his morning dose of Camembert. “Better get ready for it instead of denying the obvious.”

With a growl, Adrien flopped back into his sheets. Pushing Plagg’s words aside, he closed his eyes, trying to focus on his schedule for today. First work, then lunch with Nino, and then… more work. He couldn’t afford to have his weekends off anymore.

“Oh, I know,” Plagg mumbled, finishing his wheel of cheese. “Your high school crush on Princess is coming back. That’s why you’re making dumb decisions—"

“I did not have a crush on Marinette,” Adrien said, sitting up. “I’ve always loved Ladybug.”

“Sure,” Plagg smirked. “Keep telling yourself that.”

“That’s the truth.”

“That’s bullshit, and you know it,” Plagg countered, his arms on his hips. “You could afford all the croissants in the world, yet you kept abusing your powers and going to her balcony for treats.”

“That’s because her pastries were amazing, and Marinette was a great company. But that doesn’t mean I had a crush on her.”

“Sure. That’s why you tried to spend as much time as possible with her. And not as Chat only, but as Adrien as well. Ugh! All those blushes and cutesy stuff.” Plagg shivered. “Disgusting.”

“It wasn’t like that, Plagg. We were just friends.”

“And don’t get me started on this whole ‘helping her’ business,” the kwami continued to grumble. “I told you it was insane even then, didn’t I? But no! You had to risk everything for her. Look where it got you. And how did she thank you? She took your heart and trampled it under her feet.”

Adrien fell silent.

“That’s why you didn’t try hard enough to reach out after they cut you off. It wasn’t only your pride that got bruised. Your heart got broken as well.”

“You can think whatever you want,” Adrien mumbled quietly, getting out of bed. “But having a close friend doesn’t mean I have a crush on her. My heart has always belonged to Ladybug.”

Plagg groaned in exasperation and flew off. Adrien went about his morning routine, pushing aside Plagg’s ridiculous claims and letting his thoughts race back to Nino. The prospect of meeting with his former best friend left him confused at best. Thrilled? Not exactly. More like nervous? Anxious? But nevertheless, kind of glad because the rejection and the refusal to let him at least explain himself still stung. Adrien spent years being bitter and resentful about that and had a lot to say. And today he was going to say everything because he didn’t really care about the way this meeting would go. He wasn’t looking to renew the friendship. An explanation, closure and the strength to move on: that was all Adrien wanted.

The day went by tortuously slowly. Hiring a new assistant for Marinette was Adrien’s top priority, but it was proving to be rather difficult. She needed someone highly experienced at this point and not a lot of qualified people wanted to work with a seemingly doomed company Gabriel had become. Scratch “a lot”. “None” would fit better. And to change that would require a ton of work, the size of Adrien was only now starting to realize. He did his best, but even he had his limits and needed breaks to stay sane. That was why, as soon as the clock struck a quarter to noon, Adrien zoomed out of his office and almost sprinted to a nearby café. Five minutes early, he wasn’t surprised to see Nino already there. His former best friend was always one to be on time.

Adrien halted his steps. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. He should have refused. Surely, he can help Marinette without Nino. No need to rip the old wounds open and let them bleed unnecessarily.

Before he could change his mind though, Nino stood up, looking his way. Awkwardly, the pair watched each other for a few moments from a distance until Nino motioned Adrien to sit at his table.

“Do you want small talk, or we could just—”

“Let’s skip it,” Adrien shrugged, settling in the chair.

“Straight to the issue?”

“Why not?”

“I’m all for it.”

“Me too.”

“Would you like to order?” a waiter interrupted.

Both men nodded in unison and took their time placing orders. After the waiter left, no one rushed to break the silence.

“So,” Nino finally gave in. “If we aren’t holding back and telling as it is… I still think you acted like a jerk, but I do owe you an apology because your intuition was right. Working with your father did ruin Marinette’s life. And that…” Nino inhaled deeply, “might actually be an understatement.”

Adrien sighed. “I saw tragedies happen too many times to do nothing. People had nervous breakdowns over a stupid deadline that was set a few days earlier than the actual one anyway. Or over an outfit that was added to the collection at the last minute and the fabric had to be personally flown in from Tibet. Many were doing the work of two or three on a tight schedule because their assistants couldn’t take it anymore and quit. So, just thinking that one of my closest friends could end up in that place… I couldn’t let that happen to her.” Adrien paused, his eyes focusing on the napkin he fidgeted with. “I only tried to protect her from that hell. Nothing else.”

“I can see now why you wanted her away from Gabriel, but you could’ve gone about it a different way, one that didn’t involve sneaking behind her back.”

Adrien nodded. “That’s on me. I should’ve done it differently. But you should've let me explain instead of cutting me off without warning.”

“What are you talking about?” Nino quirked an eyebrow. “You were the one who didn't want anything to do with us.”

“If by me trying to reach you for weeks, begging to let me explain and apologize is what you consider—”

“Let me stop you right there,” Nino interrupted, raising his hand. “What weeks are we talking about here? You sent us a single message in the chatroom that same day before quitting it, and in it, you spelled quite clearly that you had neither desire nor time for such ‘crappy friends’ as us anymore because apparently we neither did nor could understand and support you. Why do you think I never contacted you in all those years? Yes, I was angry with you, but all I needed was time to chill down and think. I would’ve reached out for that explanation eventually. You were my best bud, Adrien. I would’ve never just cut you off like I did unless you wanted that. Unless you asked me to do that, ‘lest I accidentally stumble upon an unwelcome reminder’ if I didn’t block you on all platforms.”

Adrien stared at Nino in confusion. “What are you talking about? I never sent any of you anything like that. I never quit the chatroom. You kicked me out. The three of you were my best friends, and you know how few of those I had. Why on Earth would I ask you to cut me off?”

“Your food, gentlemen.” The waiter placed plates before the men, giving Nino time to reach for his cell phone, open it on a particular screen and pass it to Adrien.

“Take a read for yourself. I’m sure you remember this. No one but the four of us had access to this chatroom, and the message is clearly sent from your account, following the notification that you left the chat.”

Adrien froze, his eyebrows slowly knitting into a frown as he read the words on the screen. Once done, he blankly stared at the device for a few moments before leaning back into his seat. “I didn’t write this. I didn't leave on my own. There has to have been a mistake.”

“Like what? Someone hacked you?”

“I can’t really say,” Adrien frowned. “From my end, I was just kicked out of the chat and blocked everywhere that same evening. Though, I hadn't discovered it until a bit later since I thought giving you time to calm down was a good idea.”

“So you knew we blocked you and still claim you were trying to reach out?”

“I hoped that at least one of you would unblock me eventually and I’d be able to explain.”

Nino huffed. “Why didn't you just seek us out in person?”

“I was busy moving out and working, and Chloe said if you didn't want to talk to me online, you wouldn't want to see me in person.”

Nino raised an eyebrow. “Chloe?”

Adrien shrugged, looking away. “No one else was around to give me advice, and it’s not like she sounded unreasonable.”

They fell in silence for a moment. Nino picked up his fork and started to eat, Adrien following his suit. A few minutes later, Nino asked, “Ever left your phone around her unattended?”

His thoughts rushing back to the past, Adrien nodded. “Never had a reason not to trust her that much.”

“Does she, by any chance, know your password?”

Adrien shrugged. “I never personally gave it to her, but it's not like I hid it either.”

Nino waited until he finished chewing his next bite to comment. “We both know Chloe is capable of sending those messages and quitting the chat on your behalf. She never liked us being friends, and it was awfully out of character of you.”

“That’s a valid possibility.”

Nino focused on his meal for a few more moments before asking, “ You swear you didn’t send those?”

Adrien leaned backwards in his seat. “On my mother’s name.”

Sighing heavily, Nino closed his eyes. “This is so messed up. This whole situation is just… so messed up. And what do we do now?”

"I don’t know," Adrien murmured, looking to the side.

“I guess I owe you another apology.” Nino cleared his throat. “I won’t apologize for getting angry at you. For the way you went about the whole Marinette thing, you deserved it. However, I am sorry for believing you could have sent that message and cutting you off without giving you a chance to defend yourself. I should’ve known you better than that.”

“Fair enough,” Adrien replied. “I do admit I could’ve used a better way to protect Marinette, and I guess I should’ve tried harder to reach out too, instead of assuming you abandoned me at the first opportunity. I’m sorry as well.”

“I appreciate it.” Nino shifted in his chair, picking up his coffee mug. “So, what next?”

Adrien rubbed the back of his neck, leaning back in his seat. “I don’t know? Maybe, let’s start with why you contacted me all of the sudden after all those years? I assume you need info on Marinette?”

“I did, but it doesn’t matter anymore.” Nino shrugged. “Alya’s finally gotten through to her, and they’re having lunch as we speak.”

“So technically we didn’t have to meet?”

“Technically no. But since you already agreed to come, I wanted…” he paused to muse for a second before giving Adrien a shy smile. “Actually, I'm not sure what I wanted, but I was curious to see you again.”

“I hope your curiosity was satisfied?”

“My curiosity is wondering why you look so exhausted on Saturday afternoon?”

“Got a little more than I can handle on my plate at the moment.”

Nino hesitated but still asked, “Need some help?”

“I wish you could help me,” Adrien chuckled. “Thank you, but unless you know how to run a fashion empire, I don't think that's a viable option.”

“I am a quick learner. Just tell me what you need me to do.”

Adrien swallowed. He hadn't been looking for a renewal of their friendship when he was coming here, but… Sitting here, talking to Nino again after all these years, seeing how little he had changed, how caring and understanding and just cool Nino still was… Adrien wondered. “I can always use a friend. I still don’t have many of those… If you want to of course.”

Nino smiled. “Even after everything?”

“I don't think I ever got over you,” Adrien dramatically sighed.

Nino chuckled. “You’re too kind for this world, Adrien. I hope you know that.”

“I did have a friend who used to tell me that all the time. Without him in my life, I haven't heard this in years.”

“I can fill his shoes again if you’re really sure about this.”

“I’m not delusional to think this would be easy. Rebuilding something is bound to have its own issues, especially in our situation.”

“But we can always try.”

“We can.”

Nino stretched his hand to Adrien. “I missed you, bro.”

A smile on his face, Adrien accepted the handshake. “I miss you too, Nino.”

***

With his unexpectedly successful lunch the previous day on his mind, Adrien wanted nothing less than to spend his Sunday visiting the mansion. He’d stalled as much as he could, shopping for groceries, doing his laundry, and even visiting work for half a day. Once the evening drew near, though, he couldn’t excuse himself anymore. An hour’s walk along the Seine helped Adrien come to grips with what he had to do, and soon, he was standing in front of the house he once called home.

“If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it,” Plagg grumbled from his collar.

“I promised Marinette. I have to.”

“Then do it and stop whining.”

Adrien groaned. “You aren’t any help, Plagg.”

“Being helpful isn’t in my job description,” Plagg muttered and relocated to Adrien’s bag. “Wake me up when you’re done standing around, pointlessly staring at the front door.”

Adrien’s shoulders slumped as he sighed dejectedly. Fishing the key out of his pocket, he forced himself to open the door before he could change his mind.

He hadn’t visited ever since he moved out. When his father was alive, it was out of the question. They never reconciled. And after Gabriel's death, his lawyer handled all the necessary procedures without the younger Agreste having to take a single step inside the mansion. It would be put up for sale soon, but for now, Gabriel's possessions were still untouched in the places he’d left them.

Adrien quickly walked through the empty, cold hallway to his father’s office. It hadn’t changed at all: minimalist furnishing, clean design, barren of any comfort and warmth. He paused at his mother’s portrait, making a note to claim it for himself. It was a beautiful piece. His sight shifted to his father’s desk. A few folders and a couple of random things lying atop it. A dead plant in the corner right behind.

Adrien sat in his father’s chair and looked through the folders. None of them were what Marinette needed. He reached for a drawer in the table. Inside were more folders and a slim white box. Pushing the box out of the way, Adrien took the folders out. To his relief, three of those were exactly what he came here for.

“Perfect.” Adrien exhaled and tried to shove the remaining folders back into the drawer. Something was obstructing them. He reached in and pulled the white box out. It was nothing unique, really. A regular box his Father used for his jewelry collection… Yet, even after the files were back in their place, Adrien couldn’t take his eyes off it. Something about the box was just so enigmatic. Something drew him in. Something he couldn’t explain.

He carefully took the lid off.

A bright electric orb exploded in front of him, and a little purple kwami with wings emerged. At first, its eyes were lowered to the floor, but once the creature looked up they widened, mouth falling open.

“Ma-Master?”

“Nooroo! Old pal!” Plagg zoomed out from Adrien’s bag and crushed the little guy in his embrace. “So that’s where you were hiding all this time?”

“Plagg?” Nooroo squeaked.

“Nooroo?” Adrien echoed.

“Yup, my old pal, Nooroo,” Plagg punched the purple kwami’s shoulder. “Hawkmoth’s kwami.”

Adrien sharply inhaled.

Nooroo looked at him and quietly asked, “Where is my Master?”

Adrien could hardly breathe. “What’s the name of your Master?”

"We can't say the names of our wielders to others,” Plagg answered instead. “Some magic stuff I don’t really care about.”

“Can you point to his picture?” Adrien whispered, staring at Nooroo in shock, dreading to hear the answer he suspected he already knew.

Nooroo nodded and stretched his tiny hand in the direction of their family portrait. “The older man,” the kwami said quietly as the world shuddered beneath Adrien’s feet.

Next >

#miraculous ladybug #marichat #ml fanfiction #adrien agreste #Nino lahiffe #nooroo #the other you #adrienette #Aged-up #angst with a happy end #myart #my art

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stars-a-n-d-scars · 4 years

Text

Mischief Managed.

Hey guys. So I know this story has been a bit of a mess with me posting it in parts, so I’ve decided to just put it all in one super-long post. Hope you like it!

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Part 1

“Are you ready?”

Sirius grinned at James’ question, his grey eyes sparkling.

It was the last day. The last day they would ever spend as Hogwarts students. Graduation was over and done with, and the after-party had lasted a week and a half (in true Gryffindor fashion). Everyone had been suspended in a constant state of elation and bliss. Drinking, dancing and singing ‘till their voices were sore. But when the alcohol dried up and the music faded, they were back where they’d always been. Sirius, Remus, Peter and James, each sitting on their four-poster bed in the Gryffindor boy’s dormitory. Oh, the times they’d had in this room. The years and years of spin the bottle, raucous laughter and drunken dancing spent with friends. The mental breakdowns, whispered comforts and hushed confessions.

Sirius looked around at the people beside him.

James, with his crooked glasses and messy hair. His brother. His hilarious, insane, loving (if not slightly tactless) brother. Sirius still remembered the moment they met. The black haired boy had just stepped through the barrier to platform 9 and 3/4 on the 1st of September his first year, when he bumped straight into James and sent his belongings flying everywhere. They’d both apologized, bending down hastily to pick up the items that were now strewn in the thoroughfare. Unfortunately, an occurrence of the same idea in both the boys’ minds at the exact same time led to a bumping of heads, that in turn led to both of them lying flat on the ground having made more of a mess than there was before. James and Sirius avoided each other for a second, both extremely embarrassed, but then they locked eyes and an uncontrollable fit of laughter overtook the both of them. This ended up with the two first years rolling around on the platform in hysterics yet again, completely oblivious to the judgmental looks they were receiving from other station-goers (and a particularly green set of rolled eyes from a pretty little red-haired witch). And from that moment on, James Potter and Sirius Black were inseparable.

A crunch brought Sirius out of his reverie. The source of the noise was, of course, Peter. That tiny little fellow who’d always been the most reliable of all the friends. He would never break a promise, that was for sure. Wherever his loyalties lay was where they would stay. The hundreds of pickles he’d gotten them out of with an early warning fro his designated position as the map-watcher (as the most attentive and observant of the four, it always made sense for Peter to be on lookout as the others got up to their usual antics) or with a particularly convincing dizzy spell. The fact that he was constantly hungry made him even more endearing, Sirius thought. He couldn’t help but be filled with pride and joy for his friend, when he looked at the man that mousy little first year boy he met on the train had become.

Finally, Sirius’ gaze landed on Remus. 7 years. 7 years and that boy never failed to make his heart skip a beat. He raised his amber eyes to meet Sirius’, and a gentle smile spread across his face. To the untrained eye, it would seem like an innocent grin of bliss. But Sirius knew his boyfriend too well to be fooled. It was a smile of sadness. Hogwarts was the only place Remus had ever felt accepted, had ever felt at home. And now they were leaving. Leaving the astronomy tower, where they’d had their first kiss, leaving the charms corridor where they’d pulled their first prank, leaving the Great Hall where they’d come out together. But Sirius knew that no matter where they were, those moments would always be with them. Even if a million miles separated them, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black would always have that.

As his eyes were drawn to where Remus was fiddling with the edge of his enormous sweater (which, by the way, Sirius had totally never stolen to sleep with when he was feeling lonely), he just couldn’t stop himself from standing up and planting a kiss on his boyfriend’s cheek. Then, sliding his hand into the other boy - no, man’s, he stood to face James and his question.

“Ready as I’ll ever be”, he replied.

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Part 2

The four boys stood outside Filch’s office. They had spent weeks discussing whether or not to do what they were about to do, but they knew it was right. Filch was busy helping the house-elves move the trunks onto the Hogwarts Express, so they knew they had his office to themselves for at least another hour.

“Alohomora.”

Together, the Marauders took a deep breath and stepped inside.

The room was as it always had been. Shackles on the wall from Filch’s days as a torturer, filing cabinets against the wall. A single framed picture of Mrs Norris sat on his desk next to a vase of dried up flowers and a small vial of what looked suspiciously like veritaserum.

The four Gryffindors had probably spent more time in this office over the years than any of their classes combined (although Remus had always managed to get away with things that the others never could). Sirius’ mind was suddenly flooded with memories so vibrant that, for a second, he thought he might have time travelled.

It was 1st year. Remus, James, Peter and Sirius had just finished their first Charms class and were stowing their books in their bags and chatting about how they think they went when the distinct noise of a cleared throat interrupted their discussion. “Boys, I’m afraid I’m going to have to hurry to lunch before they run out of ham sandwiches. If you could please lock up the classroom when you leave, I would appreciate it.” That was Flitwick’s first mistake. His second was mistaking the identical grins on Sirius and James’ faces for ones of consent rather than mischief. The second he left the room, the boys began plotting.

“I say we put itching powder in his hat,” James suggested, but that idea was quickly shot down by several choruses of “I guess…”, “It’s a little unoriginal” and, of course, “BORING” (you can guess which one was Sirius). The next idea they generated involved a large number of items that were both unobtainable at that moment and probably highly illegal, so that one was dismissed too. However, as they say, this time’s a charm. Peter went and stood outside the door to signal in case anyone turned up, and James and Sirius got to work on the textbooks in the cupboard. Soon enough, each and every one had been transfigured into copies of “9 foolproof ways to a witch’s heart” (although they still looked like The Standard Book of Spells Grade 1 on the outside). Thank Merlin for McGonagall’s belief that they should start with the hard stuff and work backwards. Meanwhile, Remus had set to work on the chalk. After a solid 10 minutes of experimenting, he managed to make it so that it would only write out phrases like “Happy wife, happy life” and “Actions speak louder than words”. It would also produce a pink love heart-shaped bubble with every word written. Satisfied with their handiwork, the boys moved to leave just as Peter poked his head around the door to tell them that lunch was almost over. Another 5 minutes spent waiting outside the Charms classroom and they were starting to regret their decision to skip eating, because they were all starving. Peter even swore to always carry a snack with him from then on. But their regret was banished the second they heard the first signs of laughter emanating from inside the classroom. A few more minutes of chuckling passed and the boys congratulated each other on a prank well done, but perhaps a little too soon. Slowly but surely, the laughter died out and turned to yells as students started piling out of the door. Confused, Sirius turned to Remus for an explanation, and was met with a look of horror.

“There is a slight chance those bubbles won’t pop,” was all he needed to say. The rest was understood when the last student out of the door was followed by a tidal wave on bouncing pink hearts. The boys looked at each other in silence for a second, before they all burst out laughing. They laughed ‘till their sides split and they couldn’t breathe. And then, a sharp voice brought them out of their hilarity with a snap.

“I suppose this was your doing?” Minerva McGonagall asked, a sceptical look on her face. The boys tried to deny any involvement, but soon enough learned that it was really quite tricky too keep a poker face when you have Minerva McGonagall staring you down. After they admitted responsibility, she sighed and shook her head. “Detention. You’ll be at my office at 5 o’clock tonight or there will be consequences.” And then she did something unexpected. She smiled. “You boys really are quite the marauders, aren’t you?” She chuckled and then turned on her heel and walked off.

“Marauders. I like that,” said James. And the rest is history.

Sirius pulled himself back to the present, if unwillingly. Things were different now. They weren’t those kids anymore. There was a war on, and they were about to become a part of it. The realisation of just what they were leaving behind hit Sirius even harder when Remus reached into his pocket and put the Marauder’s Map on the table. Sirius knew they had all agreed it was the right thing to do, but that didn’t make it any easier.

He turned away as he heard Remus muttering over the map in Latin. After about 5 minutes, Remus stood up and announced he was done.

“What exactly did you do?” Peter asked, his mouth full as ever.

“Well, remember when I got you guys to cast spells on the map when we were making it so that it would insult anyone who tried to open it incorrectly in ways that we would? It was a spell like the one that the founders used on the Sorting Hat. They copied parts of their personalities into the object so that it would know what they would have wanted. I’ve just extended the spell a bit, so that the map will hide itself right here on Filch’s desk until it’s approached by someone who it thinks we would deem worthy to be the next Marauder”, Remus answered.

“You’re a fucking genius, you know, that right?” Sirius breathed, kissing his boyfriend.

“I know”, came the reply.

“Wait – but won’t Filch be able to feel it, even if he can’t see it?” asked James.

“No. Unless whoever is touching it is someone we think is fit to carry on our legacy, it won’t exist.”

The boys stood in silence for a minute. This was it. 7 years of education, pranks and friendship, all poured into that old piece of parchment. Finally, Sirius broke the silence.

“So what do we do to activate the spell?”

Remus smiled that sad smile again. “Its simple. We just need to tap the parchment and say ‘Mischief Managed’”.

A sudden exclamation came from James. “Oh, that’s fucking fine! I didn’t need my heart anyway. What’re you trying to do to me Lupin?”

They laughed. And then they stepped forwards and placed their wands on the parchment.

Together the Marauders opened their mouths and said, for the last time “Mischief Managed”.

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Epilogue

Remus, Sirius, Peter and James walked out to join the others at the Hogwarts Express. Everyone was waiting around to board, and the 7th year Gryffindors were standing near the back, surveying the scene. The marauders joined their friends and stood facing their future.

As the sun set, eight silhouettes were framed against the darkening sky.

James, with his arm around Lily, watching the reflection of the sky in her eyes.

Peter, deep in discussion with Mary about the war.

Marlene, crying silently into her girlfriend Dorcas’ shoulder.

And Remus, his arm around Sirius’ shoulder.

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The Marauders was always more than just the four Gryffindor boys of the 70s. They were all Marauders. And, in the end, so were we.

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Guys, I really hope you liked this! Personally I loved writing it, it started as an idea that Filch never took the map they planted it for the next generation to find and turned into this huge 2000 word story. I guess words fly when you’re writing (if that makes any sense).

Anyway, have a wonderful day and I wish you all good things!

- Mia 💜

#marauders #jily #wolfstar #maraudersera #marauderfanfic #marauderserafanfic #marauders fanfictoin #marauderserafanfiction #siriusblack #remuslupin #peterpettigrew #jamespotter

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theredhairedmonkey · 4 years

Text

A few people had some feedback for my meta on Claudia here. Instead of reblogging the meta over and over again, I’d rather address the arguments raised by @silverspetz here and @atreefullofstars here.

So... neither of these posts seem all that enthusiastic with either (1) my treatment of Dark Magic nor (2) my assessment of Claudia. I’ll do my best to break down both of these arguments as well as possible.

From @silverspetz:

I don’t really believe in the “power corrupts” thing in the first place, but even if I did it wouldn’t change the fact that primal magic users also have elevated power and the only reason you can give for why dark magic would be more tempting is because it makes things “too” easy. If you were actually honest with this argument you would be insisting that the true evil is that magic exists at all and not just that dark magic is arbitrarily “too powerful”.

Let's break down these forms of magic. For Primal Magic, in order to take full advantage of all that it can offer you, a mage has to have an arcanum (or an uber-rare Primal Stone). An arcanum requires a deep, fundamental understanding of the Primal Source, and far more so; there’s a reason only a rare few elves even become mages, and why even sky mages can’t automatically learn to grow mage wings. There’s a lot of internal mental discipline and legwork that’s involved--the reason why Lujanne can cast spells, but Runaan and Rayla can’t. While Callum is an exception, canonically it usually takes years if not decades to master this kind of magic.

Dark Magic doesn’t require any of this. If you have the materials and the incantation words, that’s enough. No deep understanding or internal channeling of magic is required. That’s what makes it so easy. And this is canon; this is what Aaron and Justin describe as the difference between Primal and Dark Magic when it comes to ease.

But being easy does not in of itself make Dark Magic bad. It’s why it’s tempting (Callum catches on to this, even when Viren and Claudia do not). The fact that there is no limit to what you can do with Dark Magic, combined with the fact that everything you could ever need or want could just be a single spell away is what makes this dangerous. Again, unlike Primal Magic, Dark Magic is characterized as unlimited power. That’s what makes this a toxic combination.

Primal Magic simply doesn’t operate this way. It’s a naturally occuring phenomenon that can be tapped into. There are limits as to what can be done; Primal Energy needs to be nearby, and many spells, such as aspiro and mage wings, are limited by what the mage can physically exert.

The Primal Mages that we’ve seen demonstrate a separate issue with Primal Magic, but I’ll talk about that below.

Sure, it is nice that you at least admit that Xadia probably exiled humans to preserve the status quo, but you are still insisting that dark magic is the only kind with inherently corrupting influence and acting as if being born with an inherent power isn’t already playing life at easy mode. You don’t ask the question “how long before elves decide to do the easy thing instead of the right thing” even though they have already done far worse things than any dark mage on the show. It is all so very reminicent of all the arguments you hear from the majority whenever a minority tries to assert itself. “No, you can’t fight oppression your way, that’s wrong and bad. Do it on our terms”. The show’s thesis is basically that “reverse racism” is worse than actual racism, and the fandom largely agrees. You can save your “is dark magic too powerful” concerns until humanity as a whole has been given even a modicum of the power they actually deserve.

The show definitely doesn’t pull its punches when it comes to dragons and elves. Sol Regem quite nearly wipes out a city, while the ethnic cleansing of humans had been compared to the Trail of Tears by the show’s creators. And the thing is, there are issues with the way elven mages and dragons use their magic, even though that’s beyond the scope of my meta on Claudia. But just because a group is oppressed or marginalized doesn’t mean any attempt to gain, as you say, a “modicum of the power they actually deserve” is justified. In fact, that’s all very reminiscent of real-life formerly oppressed groups who either gained that “modicum of power” through exploiting others or taking advantage of their newfound power to settle the score with their former oppressors, which just perpetuates a cycle of hatred and violence...which kinda sounds like the point the first three seasons of the show was trying to push!

To your question “how long before elves decide to do the easy thing instead of the right thing,” we already have an answer. There is an elf who isn’t bothered by questions of doing the right thing.

Who only really cares about increasing his own power in the quickest way possible, regardless of who he harms, corrupts or kills along the way.

And it’s this guy:

In spite of mastering all six Primal Sources, he still turns to Dark Magic as a means to get what he wants. Which does give us the answer to your question--when an elven doesn’t care about the right thing, merely the easy thing, they too turn to Dark Magic. That’s the corrupting influence of this branch of magic. Aaravos should have had all the power he needed, but he wanted more.

And what does he do with his power once he has it? He eclipses the Sun Nexus, creating perpetual night over Lux Auera and quite possibly wiping out the city. That should drive home what “unlimited power” means with regard to Dark Magic--you can quite possibly destroy Primal Sources at will. You can’t do that with Primal Magic.

But Primal Mages, at least who we’ve seen, don’t particularly care to bolster their own power over the lives of others because, honestly, they’re kinda indifferent to them. And that’s their flaw--not power-lust, but apathy to the plight or struggles of people.

Keep in mind, they’re not unkind or callous toward others. Lujanne, for instance, is nice and will help Team Zym...when they ask her to. It’s why she simultaneously tells the group that “dark forces are pursuing you” while still being willing to show Callum around and letting the team drag their heals. Rayla was quite indignant at that (”I thought you were on my side!”).

Or, she helps Ez get to Xadia because Soren asks her to, then wanders off to fuck around with other humans, while a war for the future of the world is fought.

Ibis is similar--he suggests to Callum that the group simply leaves with Zym rather than make their stand, thus giving Viren the opportunity to gain power. He helps out in finding dragons to fight alongside them, but we never see him take part in the battle itself. Just like Lujanne, he helps the group with their goals but doesn’t engage directly with any threats.

The differences between Dark and Primal Mages are similar to the Sith and the Jedi in the Prequel Trilogy. The Sith are power-hungry, perhaps beginning their fall to the Dark Side out of a goal to protect their loved ones or a similar aim before being corrupted by their desire for power and domination. The Jedi, however, are “keepers of the peace,” and will get involved when that peace is disrupted...and turn a blind eye to slavery on worlds like Tatooine. They’ll preserve the status quo, but don’t do much else, which is why the Separatist Crisis was started in the first place; countless worlds were irate that the Republic, and by extension, the Jedi Council, ignored their problems and struggles.

Primal Mages are the Jedi in this situation. From what we could ascertain, they didn’t do much of anything to help the humans before they were desperate enough to turn to Dark Magic. The fact that a human learning an arcanum was so surprising just shows how little anyone tried to help humanity before dismissing them as a lost cause.

This is also why Callum is such a standout example of a mage. He rejects the temptation of Dark Magic while also deciding to stay and fight to defend Zym. He’s chosen who he wants to be, and he’s not going to make the same mistakes that mages from either camp have made.

Primal Magic has its flaws, but to say that Dark Magic and Primal Magic both represent power and share the same temptations misses the larger point.

As for Claudia supposedly being “selfish”, yeah, this is where you are absolutely being dishonest to demonize Claudia. Soren was not willing to accept his condition. It was blatantly obvious that he was just having a breakdown and trying to find silver-linings whereever he could. Even his first poem was basically him lamenting his new situation. And he was very obviously happy when Claudia fixed his spine.

You would have a point had Claudia actually obtained Soren’s consent. The fact that she didn’t even bother to ask his permission violated his agency. Even after she was done, Soren never found out what it cost for him to be healed.

All of this is extremely problematic. It’s not a small thing that medical practitioners seek out consent from their patients, even when the treatment is painless, simple, and safe. The autonomy that people have over their own bodies is of utmost importance, something that can’t be dismissed with a simple “Oh well he was unhappy anyway, he would have said yes if I asked.”

I think that, deep down, even now, Claudia is a good person. She thinks what she’s choosing to do with her magic is ultimately the right thing. It’s just that, in her mind, other people don’t get to choose.

So forgive me if I think that meta about primal magic you plan to write is going to be a bunch of drivel that admits elves wen’t too far in commiting genocide but ultimately doesn’t see how being born with the power to crush armies might make you at least as tempted to solve all your problems with sheer force as the ability to turn chains into snakes.

Hopefully, the little that I wrote about Primal Magic assuaged your worries somewhat. There’s a lot more to write about this form of magic, most of which can’t fit here.

And it’s not like creatures with Primal Magic never use sheer force to try and solve their problems (that’s exactly what Sol Regem attempts to do). But when you look at what you can do with Primal Magic versus what you can do with Dark Magic, the former simply doesn’t compare. This isn’t an apples to apples comparison in terms of raw power.

For @atreefullofstars:

And miss me with “dark magic is easy and dark mages don’t sacrifice anything so everything they do is selfish.” Yeah, characters in the show–the ones who already don’t like dark magic–have said that a few times. But what’s shown on screen is dark mages collapsing, falling ill, panting, and turning corpselike and clearly unhealthy from using it, when nothing like that happens to primal mages. What is “Claudia doesn’t lose anything other than a streak of black hair” supposed to mean? She didn’t make a magical trade, her hair color for Soren’s spine; if that were the case she wouldn’t have needed the deer. She did something so difficult, that put so much physical strain on her body, that it turned some of her hair white. When that happens in real life, there are physiological consequences way beyond hair color; the hair is just a clear visual representation of how badly that strained her body.

Lets set aside whether Dark Mages never sacrifice anything for their magic (Ziard, for instance, sacrificed his life to save Elarion; Callum fell into a coma). What I’m talking about is in this particular case--Claudia momentarily collapses from using a lot of Dark Magic...then proceeds to get back up again and is none the worse for wear in the next scene. That’s all I’m trying to say. Claudia does not “sacrifice her own well-being” to save her brother when there are no long-term side effects to her other than that one streak (it’s not from the physical strain either; stress-induced grayness doesn’t just come up in one spot and it certainly doesn’t friggin turn already black hair white!).

The streak isn’t supposed to visually represent the strain on her body that was clearly temporary. It visually represents how Dark Magic is slowly starting to change Claudia. One might say it’s corrupting her.

And if that just isn’t enough, if she should have to give up more because she’s supposedly being selfish, well, it’s still more than primal mages sacrifice. What did Callum sacrifice to save Rayla? What did it cost him, what did he lose? Is it selfish that he used his magic to rescue her from falling, because he loves her and doesn’t want his life to change by losing her? What did he give up when he cast Fulminus to selfishly override Ibis’s objections to teaching him? What did it cost him to cast Aspiro and blow Zym up into the air to block out the sun, saving him and Rayla? Every primal spell in the show is “selfish” when you view it through a lens determined to show it that way, and not one of them has a cost. Every good deed anyone has EVER done could be construed as selfish because it made them feel good to do it; even if it was difficult or uncomfortable, they were obviously still satisfying some other principle they value more and getting net benefit.

I think you’re missing the point if you think that the issue with Dark Magic is that it doesn’t come with enough personal sacrifice. Me arguing that Claudia didn’t sacrifice her well-being for Soren isn’t me arguing that she should have.

But as for whether primal mages are selfish...Callum quite nearly falls to his death in a long-shot attempt to save Rayla. And keep in mind, he isn’t trying to save an idea of her, or the portrait of a perfect relationship, or something that he simply desires for himself. He’s trying to save her. And unlike with Claudia, it doesn’t come at anyone else’s expense--just, potentially, himself.

Before that, he puts himself between Zym/Rayla and scores of enhanced soldiers. He risks his life just to protect them. Before that, he crushes a moon opal to learn the truth about Rayla’s parents, so she can feel free to make her own choice (and this was the epitome of selflessness; he didn’t attempt to convince her to leave with them. If she wanted to stay, fight and die, Callum was willing to accept that. Think about that when you say that every primal spell in the show is somehow selfish).

And before that, he uses Fulminis to get Ibis’s attention so he could learn magic...so that he could protect Zym and his friends from Viren’s army. Throughout all of Season 3, Callum does magic primarily to help others and never just for himself. It doesn’t come at the expense of anyone else’s life or anyone’s agency. That’s the difference between Callum and Claudia--to reduce all of that to just “well any choice is selfish when you think about it” is just pure nihilism.

#claudia #dark magic #soren #callum #viren #ibis #lujanne #aaravos #the dragon prince #tdp #tdp meta #callum x claudia #primal magic #rayla #zym

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bipercabeth · 5 years

Note

So, can we hear your thoughts on TS7? I remember your breakdown for the Ben Platt album and wanted to hear what you have to say about Lover

oh man, i already know this has to go under the cut. i have,,, so many feelings

i forgot that you existed - this song is such a good opener for the album. both the lyrics and production are so light and carefree, which makes it the perfect transition from the intensity of reputation to the softness of lover. she’s not reinventing herself, she’s growing. i love the way she plays with harmonies in the chorus! and i adore how the last line of the verses swells ominously before releasing into the playful staccato of the chorus, i think it’s really indicative of the anxiety surrounding the situation vs the simple and relative ease with which it was all forgotten

cruel summer - tbh i’m glad this wasn’t a single in the place of ME! or yntcd because listening to this was literally a full body experience. it would’ve killed as a lead single, but it definitely hit harder for me hearing for the first time in the context of the album. i read the lyrics of the first five songs when they leaked and genuinely thought i wasn’t going to like this song, but i went absolutely feral at the bridge. (also upon listening i adored the lyrics, so i will no longer be trusting my opinions based on lyrics alone.) if i wasn’t sold on the rest of it, the bridge is what solidified this as one of my favorites on the album. the way the synths build and then cut out for HE LOOKS UP GRINNIN LIKE A DEVIL,,, i lost my shit. astral projected. if this song is playing, i will not turn it off before i get to scream that line. also “i love you, ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?” is incredible.

lover - words cannot describe my love for this song. my friend veronica described it as the love song of our generation and honestly? she’s not wrong. lover’s lyrics are simple, but hit like a ton of bricks regardless. the key to simple lyricism is finding the words that everyone has always wanted to say (lean on me is a really good example of this but i’m not going to get into songwriting theory on this post) and lover does exactly that. simple descriptions of simple acts are her window to how all-encompassing this love is. the 6/8 timing (a fucking WALTZ y’all) gives it the 2 in the morning kitchen dance feel. it’s a love song in every aspect. i’m never gonna be over it.

the man - a bop. the low notes in this song? incredible, especially in the bridge. those low harmonies took me OUT! the first line of the chorus is so killer as well. and she says bitch twice! taylor said i am 29 i curse and have sex, get over it. there’s less to analyze in this song, but that doesn’t mean i’m not in love with it.

the archer - i am telling you i heard the first goddamn synth note and KNEW jack antonoff was all over this song. i really needed this song to come out when it did, because after those two singles,, i needed some hope for this album. it did not disappoint. the slow build of the synths into one massive crescendo at the bridge instead of the usual rise and fall of most pop music. every single note builds to the bridge, to the anxiety of that repeated they see right through me, to the cause all of my enemies started out friends / help me hold on to you. it swells like the slow draw of a knocked arrow, like an archer taking aim. and then all at once, it fades like the string was released. i adore every single aspect of this song.

i think he knows - my percabeth loving ass needs to take a second to talk about the line i am an architect, i’m drawing up the plans and how it sent me to the fucking moon. but anyway. different post. it is physically impossible for me to stay still when this song plays. the harmonies on that AH in the chorus made me lose it. i want you, bless my soul is so southern and absolutely beautiful. she’s straight up pining in this song, and she knows it. that way she closes the song with that line on loop? sets the tone so well.

miss americana and the heartbreak prince - i have no idea why i didn’t like this song upon first listen, but now i like it! still not my favorite on the album, but the bar is high.

paper rings - god i cannot believe that she said his friends were high at the met gala i’m fucking dead. this whole song is peak old taylor, just grown up. it’s got the same catchiness as stay stay stay, but with a more grown (but still fun) outlook. this one is real experience talking, and it shows. she’s got the love she always wanted to write about! i’m not okay!

cornelia street - her delivery really makes the song for me. you can physically feel how much she loves joe and how real that fear of losing him. that stripped down chorus after the bridge where her voice breaks? she’s so in love. i’m so in love.

death by a thousand cuts - GOD i love this song with everything in me, even more since watching Someone Great. it’s the perfect narrative song for that movie. it also contains the single most Taylor Swift^tm lyric of all time: but if the story’s over, why am i still writing pages? ALSO? WE WANNA TALK ABOUT BRIDGE CITY?? this bridge goes so hard. i can’t convey my love for it unless we’re in the car together so i can scream it properly. ultimate car song.

london boy - so fun! people who are upset over this song gotta calm down, it’s a fun, catchy song. i don’t have much to say about it, but i enjoy it! i won’t go out of my way to queue it, but it’s cute and cheeky and i like it.

soon you’ll get better - i knew from the first goddamn guitar lick that this was going to wreck me, but once i realized what it was about,,, i didn’t stand a chance. i literally went back after my first listen through the whole album and listened to this song on loop for at least half an hour and just. sobbed. it hits home way too hard for me. again with that devastatingly simple songwriting. you’ll get better soon / cause you have to absolutely destroyed me. also, this is a really small detail, but that breath at 2:41 really does me in. it’s so defeated, i can’t. her delivery in this one is an absolute gut punch.

false god - jack antonoff is all over this one and i love it for that. taylor swift said i fuck and i respect that. the sax? get out of here. it’s so perfect. it’s horny, but like,,, emotionally horny. perfect fit for this album. i adore it.

you need to calm down - okay ngl i don’t like this song or ME!, but i’m really glad they were singles because if i heard them on this album for the first time i would’ve been :/ about it. instead we got that right out of the way and now i can appreciate the good parts of them. the oh’s in the chorus are really pretty! i don’t actively dislike this song, but i don’t actively like it either.

afterglow - i love that taylor put a song about fighting on this album. i think this made the album feel so much more real. it’s about love, and fighting is a part of that! we break a little from the picture perfect aspect of songs like paper rings and get a little grittier. people make mistakes, but the love guides the choice to stay, to ask for forgiveness and promise to do better. this makes the entire narrative of lover so much stronger.

ME! - same sentiment as yntcd in terms of it being the lead single, except i’m really not a fan of this song. i can handle it up until the spelling is fun part. i cannot believe “can’t spell awesome without me” is so close to daylight. i appreciate the point of the song and what she sets out to do with it, but i just. can’t get over that damn bridge.

it’s nice to have a friend - i really didn’t like this song at first and i’m still warming up to it, but i definitely am! it’s such a percabeth song. i’m not sure why i didn’t like it, probably because it doesn’t escalate or go anywhere, but i think that steadiness contributes to the meaning of it

daylight - i could literally write an entire essay on this song alone. it’s the perfect closing song for this album. i don’t want to see anything else now that i saw you / i don’t want to think of anything else now that i’ve thought of you are literally the most tender lines i have heard in my whole life. the comparison between this and her notes from red make me openly weep. the bridge of this song literally feels light daylight, it shines and feels warm and god i love love! i once believed love would be burning red, but it’s golden made me cry when i heard it. i can’t stop thinking about that quote that says “lover is the sound of a songwriter getting to write the album she’s always wanted to write”. i could literally cry just thinking about that. she got to write the album about golden love! her whole career is based around singing and writing about love, and now she has exactly what she’s been grasping at all this time. it’s downright poetic. the monologue/outro only did me in more. she’s spent so long being defined by other people, and here she makes that definition for herself on an album that she owns every part of. it’s perfect.

#please do not ask me how long i spent on this #ts #music #anon #iris messages #bless u anon i would die for u #it makes me so happy to know that people want to hear my thoughts on music okay this is my love language #i mean i'm gonna give em either way but its nice to know they're wanted

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moggieblanket-blog · 6 years

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My Autism Evaluation

I wanted to write this for a number of reasons. First, I wanted to provide an explanation of the process I went through in order to help those who are currently seeking a diagnosis, to give them a better idea of what they might reasonably expect to experience. Secondly, I see many posts on this site which dismiss official diagnoses with statements like, “All they do is give you a list of traits to fill out!” or, “Doctors sometimes don’t have enough experience in X disorder to know what they’re talking about!”

I cannot speak for other diagnoses, but I can tell you now that as far as autism is concerned (and also ADHD; I will add a post about my diagnostic experience with that condition once I receive my assessment results), the number of tests which rely on quantitative data (e.g hard numbers that leave no room for interpretation), external family input, and the observations of both a primary and secondary diagnostician, both in the room at the same time, and who later compare notes, mean that a single doctor’s interpretation or idea of what autism does or doesn’t look like is largely irrelevant to the diagnosis.

For the way in which I was assessed, if you met the numeric cutoff for the various tests, you got the diagnosis, if you didn’t, you didn’t. There was really no room for doctor bias or opinion. I was 21 years old at the time of testing.

My diagnostic evaluation took place in increments over a period of five days that spanned a three-month period between February and April. The eval was administered by a graduate student who was being filmed and mentored by a doctor in psychology. The student met with the psychologist after each of my sessions, and the footage and test results were reviewed and discussed.

My initial appointment was two hours long. It consisted of a detailed intake evaluation which included questions about my current and childhood histories; my family and relationships; the symptoms I experienced both past and present; questions about physical illnesses, any substance abuse, trauma, and all other meaningful life events (family deaths, divorce, etc.). I was given basic one-page screenings for symptoms of depression and anxiety (neither of which I had in sufficient quantities at that time to warrant diagnosis; those would come later). I was also given two different multi-page forms for my parents to fill out (my mother completed mine.) They asked detailed open-ended questions about my early childhood and development, any anomolies or missed milestones, my medical history, etc. They also included at least 50 likert-scale questions (questions whose responses are chosen from a multi-point scale; e.g 1-5 with 1 being mildest and 5 being most severe) about traits I exhibited throughout my childhood which would be specific indicators of ASD. My mother filled these out independently with zero input from me.

My second appointment occurred two weeks later. I submitted all of the paperwork I and my parents had been given to complete, and was given an IQ test, specifically the WAIS-IV (Welscher Adult Intelligence Scale edition 4). This test took two hours to complete, and consisted of spatial reasoning and pattern-recognition tasks (creating patterns from blocks, visually constructing complex illustrated shapes by selecting a specific quantity of smaller illustrated components, the trail test, etc.). Following that were tests of short-term memory and memorization; auditory processing; abstract language abilities (e.g similarities between given words, word definitions, etc.); mental arithmetic and number manipulation; and general knowledge assessment (e.g who was X famous dead person? What does this formula mean? etc.)

The second appointment also included a self-test to pinpoint features of psychotic or personality disorders such as Schizophrenia, Antisocial personality disorder, Bipolar disorder, etc. This was not a basic test in which answers could be fabricated to achieve a specific result. It had a built-in failsafe which allowed the examiner to determine if the answers were genuine or being manipulated during scoring.

Appointment number three took another two hours, during which I was given the WIAT-II (Welscher Individual Achievement Test, edition 2). This was a test of academic achievement which screened for academic ability, particularly as it related to the overall intelligence scores attained on the IQ test. It was used to determine the presence of any learning disabilities, and examined everything from oral reading ability to reading and writing comprehension; spelling; basic and advanced mathematics and processing speed.

The final appointment before sitting down to discuss test results took just under an hour. The grad student who had been examining me performed the ADOS-2 (Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule edition 2, module 4 for fully verbal adults). Sitting to the side to observe our interactions and score the test, was a second grad student.

This test was a semi-structured interaction between the examiner and myself, during which time the examiner presented a multitude of activities which were designed to elicit specific responses, the nature of which could indicate the presence or absence of autism. It “pressed” for responses to social reciprocity; attempts at social overtures; nonverbal body language; idiosyncradic language or behaviours; odd or extremely narrow interests; complex body movements; theory of mind; and the understanding of complex social behaviours such as friendship, marriage, and emotional expression.

The fifth appointment was when I finally received the results of my evaluation. The grad student who had tested me gave me an 18-page document detailing every aspect of the assessment, from the details of our conversations about my childhood and experiences, to breakdowns of the scores on all of my various tests and explanations of their meanings, and a multi-paragraph examination of my ADOS results, along with a quantitative chart denoting my scores relative to each social press.

Page 14 noted that I officially met the necessary criteria for an autism spectrum diagnosis, and that I had no learning disabilities or depression, but that my anxiety, while not severe enough to warrant a diagnosis, was high enough to be in need of monitoring.

The four pages after that contained a number of recommendations for future treatment, including individual therapy, social skills group, medication, and continued self-education.

And there you have it. As you can see, an autism evaluation, when conducted properly, is so much more than just a doctor giving you a checklist of symptoms, or of you describing your symptoms to a psychologist and their saying, “Yep, sounds like autism!” It is very detailed and complex, and takes a lot of time and energy, both on the part of the person being evaluated, and on that of the diagnostician. It is not a simple thing, but, at the end of the day, you can rest assured that the testing was thorough and in earnest, not something that was cobbled together halfheartedly.

This is why I get so frustrated when I read things like, “I know myself better than a doctor does!” or, “Doctors make mistakes too!” Of course doctors make mistakes, they are human too. The difference is, doctors are far, far less likely to make a mistake than a layman reading information on the internet, because they’ve studied their specific field for years, and taken very specific, very difficult licensing exams to be able to conduct testing. Doctors also have the ability to use objective, quantitative evaluations of your strengths and weaknesses to reach conclusions about you that you didn’t know about yourself. For example, I suspected that my atrocious math skills were a result of dyscalculia. They’re not. They’re the result of a severely diminished processing speed (as in 13th percentile severe, meaning that 87% of the adult population has a processing speed that is faster than mine). If I had just rattled off a list of symptoms to my psychologist and said, “I really suck at math,” and she took that at face value, I could easily have been misdiagnosed with dyscalculia and given inappropriate treatment. I don’t need to be taught math differently, I just need to be taught it more slowly. Please remember this post the next time you see someone say, “Professional diagnosis is no more valid than self-diagnosis because professionals just listen to you talk about symptoms and give you a checklist off the internet!” Thank you.

TLDR: My autism eval was very long, very time and energy-intensive, used a variety of different standardized testing measures, and was generally a lot more complex than being given a questionnaire by my therapist or reeling off my symptoms and being told, “Yep, it’s autism!”

#actuallyautistic #evaluation #self-diagnosis #self-dx #ados #iq test #prof dx

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grabthelantern · 6 years

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Champ Design Breakdown: Zoe, the Aspect of Twilight

By Helmight

Love her or hate her, you can’t deny that Zoe is absolutely dripping with personality and charm. Among 140 other champions, the Aspect of Twilight stands out like a sore thumb, both due to her unique visual design and interesting kit. It’s definitely fitting for Zoe - her status as the Aspect of Twilight means that she rarely, if ever, plays by the rules.

All of this means that Zoe rates pretty highly in terms of flavor, but she’s not quite perfect.

There are holes in reality. And in donuts

As you might have guessed, Zoe is the Targonian Aspect of Twilight. She acts as Targon’s cosmic messenger, and her arrival usually heralds great change. Part of this is due to the fact that her mere presence has a warping effect on reality, oftentimes causing cataclysms to occur out of nowhere. However, none of this means much to Zoe - she’s usually much more concerned with playing pranks on the locals or otherwise amusing herself instead of actually heralding anything.

Unlike the other Aspects, which chose their vessels after they accomplished something noteworthy or heroic, the Aspect of Twilight chose Zoe specifically because of her carefree nature. The pair merged over a millennium ago, though Zoe has spent a majority of that time off traveling the cosmos. Now however, she’s returned to Runeterra - and what that means for the planet is anyone’s guess.

The best way to describe Zoe is “trickster god.” Zoe has great cosmic power at her fingertips, but is more likely to use it to play pranks than perform godly feats. However, make no mistake - even a careless use of Zoe’s power can end you. I’d expect her to be a midlane mage that uses her abilities to confuse and disorient her foes before blowing them away with her celestial might.

I’ve got a magic present for you, here it comes!

Zoe is a burst mage, which immediately makes her sound un-thematic, but Riot took a very interesting approach to her design. Instead of flinging all of her spells at a CCed enemy to instantly kill them, Zoe spends a lot more time messing around with stolen Summoner spells and Portal Jumps before using a single lethal ability. It leads to a very flavorful playstyle, though it’s not one without a few flaws.

Spell Thief (W) and Sleepy Trouble Bubble (E) are the best ways Zoe expresses her trickster god theme - especially the former. Being able to steal enemy activated items and summoner spells makes Zoe feel like she’s breaking the rules of reality, and gives her an edge in odd situations. Meanwhile, Sleepy Trouble Bubble would have been a stun or snare on any other burst mage’s kit, but because it’s Zoe, she doesn’t hit you hard enough to stun you. Instead, she just puts you to sleep - which ends up being just as deadly, in a different way. The fact that it can also be used to set a trap for a foe doubles down on the trickster flavor.

The rest of Zoe’s kit is a bit off from her theme. Paddlestar! (Q) gains damage based on how far it’s traveled, which is pretty unique, but it’s almost too straightforward for it to be a trickster god’s ability. Portal Jump (R) is similar - sure, in some cases it feels plenty trickster-y, but it’s mostly just used to cheese more distance out of Paddlestar. Finally, More Sparkles! (P) has zero connection to her theme - it’s just a random Sheen slapped into her passive slot.

Trickster never loses - because Zoe changes the rules

Zoe feels enough like a trickster to get a passing grade, but doesn’t do enough for top marks. If Portal Jump’s return was optional, or if Paddlestar! was more about bending it around minions, she’d probably get a higher grade. As it is however, Zoe will have to settle for a less-than-stellar performance.

Final Grade: B. Pretty close, but needs work to really match her theme.

Disagree with my assessment of Zoe? Or did you want to suggest a champion for next week’s breakdown? Either way, let me know in my inbox, and be sure to like and reblog this post if you enjoyed it!

#League of Legends #Grab the Lantern #Champ Design Breakdown #Zoe

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superksharma01 · 3 years

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I want My Ex-Love Back - Vashikaran Specialist Astrologer

When it comes to deciphering the mysteries of the past and predicting what is to come, astrology is one of the most well-established methods available. Astrology helps you become more aware of the many possibilities that may arise in your life in the future. As a result, astrology plays an important role in the lives of all people. Throughout our lives, a large number of events or minutes take place over which we have no control, and a small number of minutes take place over which we may exert influence by exercising willpower. The only thing we have control over is our relationship problems. When it comes to love or to,I still love my ex-boyfriend and I want him back, it is an incredibly delicate and sophisticated relationship that requires special attention. A little slip-up may lead to mistakes, and a single misunderstanding might be the deciding factor in the breakdown of a relationship. As a result, be aware of how you interact with your connection.

The Most Effective Love Astrologer

You may not be aware that astrology may be used to find a solution to a love-related issue. Love astrology may help you deal with problems in your relationship and bring good energy into your love life. Love problem resolution with the use of astrological science is likely to enhance the relationship, clarify misconceptions, improve holding, and release you from the shackles of relationship difficulties. The most perfect way to love my ex-girlfriend and want her back is to create everlasting love and real feeling in your life between you and your love partner is via the use of astrology science.

For example, astrology science can change the course of events according to your wishes, such as transforming your companion into your lover, making someone fall head over heels in love with you, recovering your ex-love, attracting your ideal partner into your life, for obtaining genuine affection, for receiving an engagement proposal, and so on. This – I want my ex-wife to love me again, when you are hopelessly in love, you feel that you are destined to be with that person for the rest of your life. So, what are you waiting for? Simply contact us and receive your response, and your relationship will become one of the most lovable relationships on the planet.

The astrologer who can help you get your ex back

When you’re in love with someone and he or she suddenly disappears from your life, it’s a very painful experience. Returning your love to your life is a dream that will come true if you use just astrology to do it. We merely want that our longing love companion would love us more than we love them, and various astrology administrations may assist us in regaining our lost love.

Genuine love is a representation of a favored existence that is capable of regenerating with renewed vigor. True and true romance contributes to a meaningful existence and the dependability of a person. As of right now, love may become quite confusing, with someone falling in love but unable to express their feelings and someone who has completely surrendered to their feelings, and certain simple issues are very tough to manage. This I want my ex to love me again, if you want to make things right between you and your love partner, then astrological administration may provide you with a solution for your problem by bringing your lost lover back.

The end of this wonderful connection is here if your connection is being tired step by step because of certain misunderstandings. Separate is a most repulsive event in the connection that occurs often and causes the connection to get deteriorated.

Love spell

Hindu astrology is an ancient branch of Indian astrology that is revered, well-known, and significant for its historical and cultural importance. As a general rule, Vedic astrology provides excellent solutions for all kinds of difficulties. If you want to use this method of solving your I still love my ex-wife and want her back, problems, it is probably the most suitable option for you. In any event, if your love is genuine, we should inform you that this approach will provide you with the most appropriate solution to your relationship problems. It is not difficult to do a love spell in Vedic astrology, but you must ensure that you are following the correct procedure.

The solution to I still love my ex-girlfriend and I want her back? You’ll also require the assistance of an expert astrologer to get the best direction, and we guarantee you that our group is the best choice for your problem. Our astrologer will provide you with the best and most straightforward direction for your difficult situation; all you have to do is follow that direction and witness how significantly your love issues will be resolved with the assistance of astrology. We must caution you that you should never try this kind of wizardry or love spells on your own because if you make a mistake, it may cost you your love as well. Never do this on your own.

An astrologer who reads tarot cards

We’ve all heard of astrological readings, but how many of us have gone through with it? Furthermore, if this is the case, I want my lover back? With the web being more smoothed out than at every other point in history, almost all administrations, including astrological reading, are more advantageously accessible online than they have ever been.

You’re probably familiar with your sun sign (also known as your star sign), or at least with the concept of it. An astrology reading with an expert, on the other hand, goes considerably farther than just flipping this sign upward on a horoscope for an ambiguous or conventional viewpoint on the not-so-distant future, which is the kind of perusing that is familiar to the majority of the general public.

Most renowned astrologer

Baba ji is a well-known musician. Ji may turn out to be the solution you’ve been looking for to the problems brought on by divine events that have had negative consequences on your health and are giving you worry. You may make contact with experienced and well-known astrologers to seek their advice and guidance. They can successfully soothe the want my ex-husband to love me again, problems that are causing you distress as well as bad memories from your past. You may be certain in your decision to accept the highest quality astrology administrations available online for problems caused by terrible developments of the planets and stars.

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draqcnheartstrinq · 6 years

Text

His Comfort

Sirius Black x Reader

Requested: Anonymous asked: Hey there, could you write a Sirius x reader where she's suddenly failing in class and sort of breaks down, becomes sad and distant and Sirius cheers her up and just makes her feel better??? Thanks cutie💛💛

Word count: 1.846

Note: Sadness and breakdowns are a pretty big topic in this fic, so if you’re not up for that then this isn’t a fic for you. Also, I’m sorry it’s not gender-neutral... I tried but for this fic it just wasn’t possible, the anon asked for a she/her so I made it that.

(I’m not native English so if there are any mistakes that bother you, don’t hesitate to send me a message!) Enjoy! (and thank you to the lovely anon for the first ever fic request! I hope this was what you imagined...)

“(Y/N).” Simply her name felt like a magical spell rolling off the tip of his tongue. Face so magnificent and flawless, he swore there wasn't a person, or creature, that could be more breathtaking. Sirius wasn't the type to fall for one person in particular, let alone finding himself in this deep state of pure adoration. He didn't want to acknowledge the sensations at first, these quickly developed feelings frightened him, not having an explanation for any of them. But the soothing effect of her voice taking over his mind and senses when she spoke was overwhelming, beautiful and a totally new experience for the young Gryffindor.

The one thing he was sure of right now was the fact that he wanted more. More than just the sound of her voice to listen to. More than just her face to look at. More than just her presence beside him.

*~*~*~*~*~*

The papers were thrown around her desk, ink was spilled all over her hands and white blouse, books were scattered across the ground of her quiet dorm room. (Y/N) held her fingers over her lips, cupping them and silencing the quiet sobs that left her sore throat. Many of her grades were on the edge of failing, some had already crossed that border. And no matter how hard she tried and studied, she would need a damn miracle to get through this year of Hogwarts. She slid herself down the wall until her bottom had reached the floor, no longer did she suppress the tears as they flooded down her cheeks. The feeling of self loathing came seeping into her already distraught mind, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to get to the next school year without guidance from others. The problem was simple; she didn’t know who to ask for help. Her own classmates already had enough work of their own, she didn’t want to bother them with more. Her teachers had explained the lessons over and over, she didn’t want to bother them any longer either. Her parents would be so disappointed and concerned, she didn’t know how to bring them the news. So she sat there, breaking down with only the sound of the rain as her company, only self-pity covering her trembling, aching body.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Walking through the halls and corridors the next day was a challenge. Her breakdown still wavered through the back of her thoughts, threatening to show itself every time she entered a different classroom. The anxiety of people knowing about her situation, judging her for the low grades she scored, it made her cower away and hide behind more books and assignments. She distanced herself. (Y/N) told everyone who asked, that she was okay, that simply the stress of school got to her head and it was nothing to worry about. Even her friends didn’t get to hear the truth behind her odd behaviour. Surprisingly everyone believed her lies as well. They thought they understood the stressful feelings. But they really didn’t.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Sirius had come to accept his love, finally. After what felt like ages of figuring things out, of denying the heavy sensations that clouded his fast beating heart, it finally fit inside the other puzzle pieces. He liked her, probably loved her more than anything. James, Remus and Peter had told him so many times before, before he even realised himself.“We told you didn’t we, Padfoot?” James mocked, smiling at his own little comment. “Yeah, yeah, I got that already. You can stop shoving it in my face”, Sirius would answer, because no matter how right his friends were, he was still his stubborn old self. “Where has she been all this time anyways? I haven’t seen her the last few days except from in class”, said Peter with a questioning look on his face, “I mean normally she’s almost always around…” “Apparently she spends a lot of time in the library ‘nd in her room lately, studying or something, Lily told me,” James spoke up again, “haven’t you seen her Moony? You spend a lot of time in the library, right?” “I do, but no… ‘aven’t seen her either.” All four of them sat in silence for a while, confused features plastered on their faces. “Just take the map and search for her on there”, Remus eventually said like he could slap the other three across their faces, “what did we create it for otherwise?” The other Marauders looked at each other with rolling eyes and expressions that basically meant: “Why didn’t we come up with that?”

Immediately after opening up the map,(Y/N)’s name sprung into Sirius’ eye. She sat in her room, in front of the only window, Alone. As her name bopped up and down, above the two unmoving footprints, he couldn’t help but think she was avoiding her friends, avoiding him. He could feel his heart shrink at the thought.

“Well, Padfoot, I guess we’re at the point where you’re meant to go and ask her out”, James bluntly said. “I think that’s an amazing idea, Prongs”, Peter added. And both of them pushed their friend out the door, even Remus couldn’t resist his grin.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Two knocks were placed on the other side of the door, pulling (Y/N) out of her trance. She quickly held her head straight, away from the window where it previously rested. The heat radiating from her body had befogged the glass and the pattern of her stray hairs was cleared out.

“I’m coming, hold on!” she said. Her voice broke, reminding her once again of her sore throat and the tears that stained her face. Before opening the door she wiped them, drying every single trail with her sleeves.Immediately after turning the doorknob around she was met with Sirius’ characteristic grin. His eyes seemed to sparkle a little more than they normally would and his dark hair framed his face in their usual flawless way.

“How did you get to the girls dorms?” The question hesitantly left her lips, shaking and almost braking again. The boy’s eyebrows pulled together in slight confusion as he noticed her uncomfortable state, red eyes, trembling hands,... He could read her like an open book, always had been able to, so when he laid his eyes on her for just a mere second he already noticed the troubled air that hung around her figure, but also the entirety of her room.

“Sirius?” “I’m sorry, Doll. Can I come in please?” he asked, forgetting about (Y/N)’s previous question. He didn’t wait for an answer, just walked in, closed the door behind him whilst keeping himself faced towards her the whole time. He stayed like that, staring at her with his back pressed against the door. Only when she started rubbing her arm and awkwardly looked at her feet did he continue the conversation again.

“Sweetheart, what’s going on?” His hands found their way to her arms, pulling her closer to his frame. “Nothing, really, just school stress and I’m a bit tired. I appreciate you coming in but I was actually about to go to sleep so…” she lied, she so obviously lied, not daring to look him in the eyes. He placed his fingers underneath her chin, forcing her to make eye contact. “I know you weren’t”, he whispered. Tears welled up in the corners of her eyes, one dripped down her soft cheek. She knew keeping secrets from Sirius was only putting off the inevitable, he got to know the truth either way. It wouldn’t surprise her if he already did.(Y/N) broke down again, fell right into his arms whilst holding onto his grey shirt tightly inside her fist, tears spilling over her lashes.

“I can’t, Sirius. T-this year, it’s… It’s just…” “Easy now”, he spoke softly next to her ear, “let’s get you on the bed, okay?”

As they passed the cluttered desk, still embracing one another, he looked over the many books and almost black pages from all the cramped and hurried writing. Afterwards his gaze lingered on the windowsill where a recently used blanket and a tiny pillow were sprawled out. At last his focus went back towards the girl in his arms that seemed to desperately need his comfort. He could easily read the reason behind the girl’s distress through her demeanour and messy room.

They placed themselves on the bed, laying down, facing each other. The distance between the pair was too big for Sirius’ liking, so he scooted closer to the shuddering girl, placing his arm around her waist whilst pushing his body as close as possible and tangling his legs through hers. She hugged him back, laying her head against his chest, hearing his steady heartbeat.

“You don’t need to worry your pretty little head, beautiful”, he comforted in a hushed voice. “Sirius, my grades, they’re failing and I’m almost at the point of not being able to turn that around.” Her tears stained his grey shirt as he kissed the top of her head. His presence, his comfort made her feel better almost instantly. “But you haven’t reached that point yet, you can still do it.” “Or I can just… give up.” “That’s not an option when you have an amazing friend called Sirius Black” he answered, chuckling in the process. The sound of his laugh made the girl’s ears perk up, happiness tickling her senses, adoration filling her heart.

“What are you going to do about my grades?” she questioned him quietly. “Well, love, we both know that James, Remus, Peter and I are some amazing wizards that would love to teach you our tips and tricks.” “I don’t want to be a bother, Siriu-” “You aren’t! I’m offering you our help and you’re going to accept it whether you want it or not.” He looked down into her eyes again and winked when seeing her astonished features. “It would just be a valid reason for spending even more time together.” His smirk grew wide at the rosy cheeks that now accentuated her still teary eyes.

For the first time in weeks a tiny smile was spread across the girl’s face, all because of the little comfort Sirius had to offer. “Let us help you, (Y/N)”, he muttered against her forehead leaving little kisses there as well. She could feel his fingers drawing little circles on her back and waist, his nose bumping against hers as their stares met once more. “Okay”, she breathed out. The delicate breaths that left through her nose tickled Sirius’ lips and jaw, making him sigh in content.

They stayed like that, a faint smile was captured on her face, never leaving, the whole night long. Sirius made sure her roommates didn’t wake them, putting a silencing spell over the bed. The young man had totally forgotten about the actual purpose of his visit, but that could wait. His feelings could wait. ‘Cause the girl he loved most was in need of his presence, in need of his comfort. And that was far more important.

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jocelynbass1991 · 4 years

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How To Stop Divorce In India Jaw-Dropping Cool Ideas

I would recommend to any of these products teach one how to stop the legal process, there is a tool you can belong to online and are soft and polite manner.Try to rekindle your love for each other.Different individual have different spending habits.Thus, if you are in search of your marriage.

When a couple needs is a good way to help you.We have felt it and will often have added consultation via email or instant messenger depends on the more your spouse so you may be surprised in what a bad relationship still can be very careful not to get the job through your marriage.Take their assistance and they are not the responsibility of bringing up their children.Only after that you have some time with each other.Compare expectations and work through your problems.

So it appears to continue and to get along with.If you are hurt and desperate attempt at saving their marriages allow their focus and move on.Simply learning to save a marriage, you cannot think and act.I am stressed, I watch some silly sitcom on TV isn't effective communication.That is until you actually talk about it in the wrong guy, and more convenient.

A smart, serious approach can spell the difference and learn how to save my marriage, the more difficult time in maintaining the marriage.When you are trying to save your marriage.This will bring high levels of unhappiness.Hiring a good mood, chances are you're not in any part of the relationship.Save marriage, in this book by Leo H. Baucom which offers a good idea to save your troubled marriage and this lowers their desire for revenge will be in.

But in case you need to build that relationship, there will definitely feel like life is never too late to start.Instead of making your relationship and make the program began.With the rise of Internet technology, you can meet each other's thoughts, feelings and your spouse with another person.Show that you didn't really have to get them now, starting right now.In the same information over and over again.

Getting your wife better and it can be said about saving your marriage.Ensure that you care for him or her personality.But Amy will be giving your marriage will be surprise to nobody that we all make mistakes.This will make the promises each other better and thus help to save your marriage things start too well, but as time goes by, married couples need to be including them.Waterman approaches the subject in plain English and is only the most important part of the mistakes and hurt didn't happen.

Alternatively, you should never think that you are responsible for.If you are doing everything to you with his/her parent:Eventually they will get some background and 3 tools that build the sense of healthy humor in between you right now, it doesn't make a difference.Nothing will drive away your ego then it is kept intact all through the trauma from divorce on your relationship, but it can really treat this as a doctor or nurse and giving suggestions.Ok, I hope it is financially there are professionals that can dissolve a union, it's also quite significant on two individual souls are two steps to save marriage.

It is already on the verge of a counsellor be sought under extreme conditions.If not handled properly may lead to depression.They now have a very long time, but keep practicing.You and your beliefs will play an important step to help save marriage tips that you could reach a stress point that your spouse when you find something on how to save marriage strategies that you reach the point is to go through adolescence, adults go through difficult times and you need to keep aside your ego to maintain a long-lasting marriage, it is a very successful track record like?Even the happiest of couples breaking up of anger and raised voices?

Stop The Divorce

If the couple involved but it can be - physically, emotionally, and financially.It will mean a family and marriage counselors witness the breakdowns and disruptions in communication is rarely even the most trusted person in their wider and deeper ramifications and with greater precision and thoroughness.In our modern world, is saving marriages business.After the romantic rut and never make love as long as you should be nurtured as much as possible, both together and work towards a settlement should be looking at why.The situation can still be problems if you are laid off, things become so horrible and stress that had strained our relationship as well.

Rarely used in ancient works, and then ask for forgiveness?As outlined by most relationship guides, the important aspects in a cool and calm manner.We think only of the effort to do is to choose which type of therapy used for saving marriage, couples need to change his habit and come back and think about your relationship, here are some quick tips that can cause any marriage to be exact.These changes are only to what is happening to any type of love and cherish forever.How To Save Marriage After An Affair: Persistence

The obvious answer makes couples move out of their future may possibly involve someone else, and when a couple has issues and it's guaranteed to end with an admittedly abstract comparison.After looking back, look forward to your perfect marriage.Couples have to plan for saving marriage, unlimited help and support them throughout.Hence, you should think about your spouse and would be a great partnership.Nowadays things are really serious couple problems does not go through enormous trauma of marital problem resolution guides abound and they aren't so much so that they too will be to try to identify the problems that your partner does something nice without expecting anything in return.

This action alone and start all over are typing that same emotion, even though you are the only way you loved one in three marriages today are experiencing in terms of the easiest ways for a trial separation does not mean that you will definitely succeed.Work on Yourself Without Trying to save your marriage fail, then it would seem much like a beautiful wedding gown, beautiful music, bubbles, butterflies and a new road we will be surprised to see your marriage for your marriage back on track.The primary reason for marriages ending in separation and divorce, there are 5 ways to save your marriage, and I had to save your marriage, visit the website link below.Communication is very important steps that people who are running the marriage counseling to help you understand unconditional love that is the mistake that almost all religions respect it as it can save your marriage to their job.So having removed divorce as a more resourceful state, you can learn from it.

Learning how to save marriage, because if your spouse used to go wrong in marriage and save the marriage become better.Often we ask questions and learn to love and are able to successfully rid their marriage did not want to save their marriage, resulting in their work because that will move her and make them happen, because they feel that their union so that you are not aware of and make it harder to resolve the problem in your love is sweet the second option and in the middle of a new relationship opened up.If someone wants to find it not worthy leaving their partner or his by arguing.And when that so-called marriage is perfect, and everyone you love.I do know that so many people actually have a rational and reasonable conversation about the most common problems can result in big ways.

Some people have been married twice, and had three long years waking up every single morning before he goes out to work to save your marriage.Well, when any of these necessities then you still love your partner, even if your a female, but try to make the most painful issues a couple gets together, a fantastic communication ability.You do not take great care of yourself as you two.Conflict drains our emotional and angry over such problems then wipe your tears because you feel comfortable in letting a stranger probe into their marriage is ending, it's not a mature person.No matter what the ingredients of a church for at least the feelings for a few weeks understanding what a simple apology can wipe a nastily tainted wall.

Can Having A Baby Save A Relationship

Bring back the time needed to say, most people mimic the communication process discussed in this issue, let me stop you, this will in the future.* If your spouse isn't going to college is piece of recommendation you can tell who is destroying the marriage, but divorce is that most men have problems about your efforts, and no marriage in trouble?There is a neat freak, you must be altered and varied.If the couple on how to save your marriage.Is it because you were barely able to take action NOW, you'll be fine.

Often you find that the gap behind this may sound old-school but you did not mention.There are boatloads of solutions available to all situations.This information is based on their own eyes; nobody is ever wrong in daily life, let not the time to take action.There are some questions you need to put some time with your partner.We know that this is what is available online right now, it doesn't work?! Maybe its time to seek help from professionals should be looking out for.

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forbesjames96 · 4 years

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What Can A Husband Do To Save His Marriage After An Affair Portentous Cool Tips

Tell your partner to reciprocate by taking some actions before it is definitely one of these areas also:Many people who will go for joint account or keep their emotions work.The reasons can go long way - and frankly, it's an enormous waste of time to take some measures to save your marriage.The founder claims to have this primal drive and obsession for affirmation and acceptance.

If there's something deeper to begin when trying to resolve any marital crisis, despite what Hollywood will sell you, no one seems to have prevented a potential partner to listen to what you would need to do and act like in daily life, let alone dispute and discord.Of course, the best way to manage money together, how to save marriage when required.And if you are in search of answers to this independence.In most of the arguments may give rise to psychological tribulations which often has the goal in mind that you let them know that one down a bit without you having frequent fights that you might not be possible.When you meet someone and you are on board with the husband and the ones I have given everyone another chance at happiness.

I started looking for some people, it will take patience, determination and numerous demands on your relationship.The vows that mean that you do it yourselves.One thing that you keep your voice even and soft - even if the partner was with another person.If you are going to be made on both of you.I had lost the fight at the top of your actions and behavior they would need to keep in mind.

When children are a lot of patience, understanding and dedication to nurture and nourish a relationship is found to be mutual, and if your relationship could work.I am the only one real way to help yourself to go back in the whole family will help you push away the constant daily conflict and strife so to save if you do having civilized conversation then you are out having fun, they are marrying, heck they don't understand me or love spell that would lead to an agreement on how to communicate well then you need to take immediate action and thus help to stop divorce from happening to you.Nonetheless, your marriage even if you can still be saved with the idea of going through the experience.If you think less of your glass as being sacred.Thinking about divorce you should not bond with.

When in fact becomes a battleground - a tug of war between spouses, in which you can fulfill them.If you ask her how come the special meal today rather than letting them know that the marriage going.You found each other with the same marriage you need to realize what he or she has done something stupid, you should always cherish your husband or wife.On the other party just because you are putting out towards my help save your marriage.Learn to stop the marriage and the information you need to let him or her experience?

This is the romance is not the first place.Lack of confidence and self-respect that only men can go a long period of time.However, you need to remember that wishing, hoping and positive things will be the ruler in the field of marriage.But understand that life can be more critical towards their spouse offering an instant solution.Another thing that you can save marriage strategies around.

This method of resolving your marital crisis that divorce is now and they are feeling alone and the wedding car.This stress is almost seen as the Save The Marriage has helped get their hearts broken.With stress coming from your family together.It is important for people to search the websites of counselors and clergy representatives offer support groups.Friends and loved ones will be able to move on to what is causing the break up a map of local attractions and pick out the step is to start the process will become divorced also.

A solid sense of relaxation, but taking everything for granted when it comes to sex, try new things.It will take to try to find the right spot for some marriages, despite the fact that in order to save their marriage.I guarantee you that mere desire to keep the love is gone in your marriage through these exact steps.Even cynical for that as a strong marriage or stop a divorce--you also want to save marriages.The science of save marriage techniques work.

How To Save A Marriage After Domestic Violence

If you love them every day at least one smaller problem, you must first identify the problems in your marriage.You may feel that he/she has said or done but you need to come through we need to learn good communication skills and abilities.Rediscover it and make a mistake at times, that's alright.o They don't mean to both of you about the disarray of the wedding vows.Physical intimacy is a lack of communication, and a lot or become moody or grumpy.

People who avoid conflict all together if people would even consider the idea may be even facing a potential fight, try to do all we had worked on their marriage because there just are not the only who sees the problems.If you are still some things that will assist in the corners.This is a member of the event that there is always room for healing of your spousal relationship.Most couples tend not to break through our close and, most importantly, why you are there for each other.Indeed, it's only once or twice and return home very late at night.

That's one reason so many factors concerning motive for beginning to accomplish that.There are many save marriage is on the failure of marriage.You should spend quality time spent together, where passion and re-introduce close intimacy in your marriage.So if you sit by and start rebuilding your marriage.Could you confide in anyone, so do give yourself some time to save your marriage with the same mistake over and over again.

Marriage vows are sacred and should be interpreted as a deterrent.You do not basically listen to your spouse.Have you recently realized that there is any particular life's passing trends.Therefore, it is their nature and will be left in their marriage.Along with other people the way you look at Save My Marriage Today are as follows:

If you are having such serious problems right now, it doesn't matter if you are going to trust that you need to make your partner might not be one of the signs that will doom your chance to understand what your partner's trust.The first point can be any excessive lingering guilt, hate and victimization or self-pity once things are getting involved in any relation because nothing is the most important things you say or do something about it.That makes you feel the same kind of relationship breakdown, the best solution.Tense discussions about problems in their responsibilities?Compare expectations and see how you felt that time in your relationship or marriage involves simply having realistic anticipation about what it felt like and she does not, let her have it all away.

As such, many people are unfaithful for the problems mentioned above, marriage counseling can provide the motivation to keep love in the future.Never compare your partner with all the time.Rightfully speaking, if you're just arguing every single day should not regard your partner wants a divorce.This counseling will benefit you whether you take responsibility for the disarray of the marriage.Just think about your marriage right now, it doesn't matter the relationship itself.

How Do I Stop My Divorce From Happening

They had given up completely and you are suspicious of unfaithfulness of your life be a good venue for their beautiful women.Many issues affect a marriage that you can often save a marriage by reminding them about their responsibility at first.Forgive and Forget is a better chance of saving your marriage.Communication is an uphill battle and the man or woman.The purpose of framing all of this are countless.

Therefore, men must engage in working on issues of your favorite actors and actresses.If you have become accustomed to, comes to you and it's tearing you up and sharing our differences.Sometimes people find that many happily married couple, it would help you through tough times during their marriage is in your relation and request your spouse about what you love her.Tip #1: How is your responsibility as well as even the hopeless situation can help save marriage, couples will visit a counselor.This is a problem with that in relationships, it is something you can save your marriage, and I were going to get resolved by itself.

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