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hotchley · 2 years

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look at how his tears ricochet

It's Results Day eve so as you can imagine, stress levels are high. Which means if you have anything negative to say, don't. Anyways, this is that crying in the shower fic that's probably been in the works since last year. There's also a shocking lack of actual crying in the shower. And much like 100, it got very dark very quickly. If any of the triggers may impact you, give it a miss. There's no shame in that. I'd rather you be safe than upset. And yes, the title is from my tears ricochet, it was the only thing better than crying in the shower

Onto the fic!

Trigger Warnings: crimes against children (kidnapping and being held but they are rescued), abuse of power (hotch feels he's crossing a line), intergenerational trauma, discussions of cycles of abuse, intrusive thoughts surrounding caring for children, negative self-image, disassociation, extremely self-destructive behaviour, canon-typical violence, someone injures a person when in a state of disassociation (it is not excused, just explained and help is being found), mentions of parentification, brief implications of potential hypothermia, blood- if I've missed any, let me know!

read on ao3!

It happens in the middle of an interrogation. Like most times, there is no real warning that it is going to happen. It just does, causing his voice to break slightly as he shoves his hand into his pocket so the suspect does not notice that they were shaking.

Emily's eyes dart to him. Of course she has noticed. She always notices. She frowns at him for a moment, and then swiftly takes over, pretending that Hotch's pause was one of anger as she snaps at him before turning to their suspect and telling them everything is going to be okay.

Hotch takes that moment to pull himself together and he forces himself to breathe. It is not the time. He cannot fall apart. Not when there is a little boy out there, desperately screaming for someone to help, and the man sitting between him and Emily is the only one that can do anything about it.

"Tell us where you took him," he says, keeping his voice dangerously calm. It makes him sick, impersonating his father, but it is the only way he can fulfil the role that he has to play.

The only way he can act like he was filled with such anger and hate is if he closes his eyes and pretends he was a fly on the fall when his father would come home after a difficult day at work, ready to take it out on his wife and eldest son.

He just dreads the day where the line between the role he is playing and the person he really is becomes too blurred and he can't tell the difference. Because one day it will come, and on that day, he will kiss Jack's forehead one last time and leave. He will leave, and never return and Jack will eventually understand.

Aaron Hotchner is not a good man. He is a coward hiding behind fancy credentials and a hard stare. There had been a time, only a few years ago, where he believed he was better than his father. He thought he had broken the cycle and saved his son from the same fate he had suffered, but he hadn't. Hotch had only ever known a broken mother and a twisted father, but at least he had them.

What is Jack going to know? His mother is dead, his only memory of her being one of fear and sadness. He will grow up believing she was perfect and beautiful and ethereal- which she had been- but in a way that is unhealthy. In a way that nobody living can ever compare to. And he will grow up with a father that is so afraid of the man in the mirror that most days, he didn't even look at it.

"I've not taken anyone anywhere," their suspect says with a smirk.

Hotch fights to keep a hold of that anger. He needs it, to survive this interrogation, to get through to this case, to go home as the loving father that doesn’t lash out at the wrong people. He needs to hold onto the anger so he can convince himself it isn’t his.

That it is just an act. A ruse.

He tells himself it is no different to the women flirting to gain information. Only it is. It really, truly is.

"If you don't cooperate with us, I swear, I will find you and I will hurt you so badly you'll wish I had killed you when I first found you,” he snarls.

Deep down, he knows this is wrong, and he is bordering on the thin line between getting information and causing fear, but he is a bad person. He does not care. All he cares about is the little boy that is never going to know a normal life. The little boy that he is still no closer to finding. The little boy that he sees Jack and Henry in.

“Will you? I don’t think you have the guts to do that. I think everything you’re saying is a lie that is part of a silly facade, designed to shake me and force me into giving up the location. Which, by the way, I do not have. Because I haven't kidnapped anyone. As I have said, multiple times now."

“You can say that till you’re blue in the face. But you’re lying. You are telling a filthy lie, because that’s the only thing you’re good for. It’s the only thing you have ever been good for. If you’re not going to cooperate with us, then that’s fine. It’s your choice. But we’re going to find the child you took. And then I’m going to treat you the same way I treated the man who killed my wife.”

He’s toeing a line, but he’s spiralling and he needs to hurt someone. None of the management tips are working. He wants to feel blood on his knuckles and bruise the flesh of someone else.

“Are you? What did you do to him? I bet it was terrifying,” their unsub mocked.

Emily opened her mouth to intervene. Things were getting out of hand. And even though she had no idea what she was meant to say, there was a reason her and Hotch were doing the interrogation together. She had always been the best at pulling him back from the edge.

“I fought him, and I beat him to death. I beat him past death. And it still wasn’t enough. Maybe it’ll be enough if it’s you.”

The unsub- no, not unsub, person they’re interrogating, innocent until proven guilty and all that- doesn’t react. They’ve got years of hearing empty threats and having other threats be carried out to react in any sort of way that would give Hotch what he so clearly wants.

But Emily reacts. Barely. But she does it. It solidifies the spiral into the abyss. It’s strange to think about how one single movement can completely change a person’s life. Because again: she hardly moves. All she does is flinch. Ever so slightly. She is scared- any rational person would be- but not of Hotch. For him. And more importantly, she’s shocked and disappointed. Shocked that things had gone so far and disappointed in herself for not realising there was something going on earlier. She is not disappointed in him. She would never be disappointed in him.

Hotch sees Emily react. And for a single moment, he becomes Aaron. Emily morphs into Prentiss because they could use this to their advantage. They could use it to find the child. Convince the unsub that Emily is truly on his side. Convince him that Emily is so disgusted by Hotch that she will sympathise with a man that may or may not be innocent. Build that trust till he lets his guard slip and then sneak in till he tells them everything they could possibly want from him.

“I get it now. You have a son, don’t you? Tell me, Agent Hotchner. What kind of parent do you think your child is going to be with you as a father? You know, since you seem to be no better than your own. I think it’s going to be everything to witness. Who do you think you are, trying to break the cycles when they are present in your blood and all your DNA knows?”

Aaron’s eyes widen and the facade cracks a second time.

Emily focuses on the words and not the emotions they invoke, and she finds the crack in the armour that she was searching for.

“Did you break any cycles?” She asks, as gently and conversationally as she can.

“How could I? He’s still- he’s in my head, and he’s in the people I see in the street, and he’s just so present and I can’t get away from him until I do everything he tells me to do-” The suspect trails off and Emily can’t help the way her heart twinges. This is a man that has only ever known pain and destruction. A part of her wonders if he ever stood a chance, when everyone and everything turned their back on him.

“What did he tell you to do?” She carries on.

Hotch closes the door behind him, but she forces herself to maintain eye contact with the suspect. They’re so close. And someone else needs to be strong.

“Oh god. Oh god. Oh god, I’ve ruined everything. I’ve- I’ve taken something from him. I’ll tell you whatever you need to know, I swear. Just- don’t make me go back to that house. Please. Don’t make me.”

“We won’t. Just tell me where the little boy is, and you won’t ever have to go back there again. I promise.”

The unsub tells her, and then Emily’s the one gently closing the door behind her as she tells Garcia to get as much information on the building as she can, and then follows JJ and Reid into one of the cars. Hotch is nowhere to be seen, and she hopes he’s with Derek and Dave. They’re braver than her and they’ll say the words.

When they find the child, it’s Morgan who wipes his tears and wraps a blanket around his shoulders. Aaron is shaking too much to do it. Emily notices that his gun is still holstered and wonders if it will be like the months following Foyet’s death. They scheduled unofficial arms qualifications randomly, under the guise they wanted help with technique. Just to be sure.

Although the boy is terrified and just wants his parents, they all know that with the right resources, he will have a life. A good life, full of joy and love and sadness and anger. Perhaps it won’t be as normal as it should have been, but he has not been given a death sentence. Each of them are proof of that. Little pieces of themselves get revealed during the course of each case, and it was probably the little details of their childhoods that had been mentioned in passing that allowed his parents to breathe properly.

The father goes to hug Hotch. He steps away, and JJ closes her eyes. Aaron turns and wipes his eyes with such little subtlety that suggests he is more far gone than anyone had initially suspected, then holds his left hand out.

His left hand. The one he shoots with.

They take it gratefully. The mother watches him, a knowing look on her face. She makes no attempt to hug him, but she does smile and say her thank yous. Aaron returns the smile, and says they could contact him if they needed anything.

As they walk away, it occurs to the remaining members of the team that her hair had been the brightest blonde any of them had seen. Maybe she had more in common with Haley than they had initially assumed.

Before returning to the motel, Aaron pulls over at the police station. Nobody gets out with him, even though Emily stops behind him. She wants to get out and ask what is going on- there are some things that cannot be explained through a text message- but it’s too risky. None of them know how long he will be in there for, and if they get caught talking about him behind his back he will retreat into himself ever more.

Aaron’s return to the car is preceded by a woman who looks like a defence attorney. Derek notices that she’s holding a card. Aaron’s hand has ink stains along his pinkie. Lord only knows what they were saying to each other.

“It was a good case,” Dave says.

Aaron doesn’t take his eyes off the road. If he hadn’t been turning so smoothly, Spencer could’ve convinced himself he wasn’t really there. That he was looking without seeing anything. Perhaps he was. They’d been to the town before, a few years back, but Aaron’s memory for roads was unparalleled by all but his.

As soon as they enter, Aaron is walking up the stairs to his room. Upon their arrival, there had been a shared relief that they wouldn’t need to share rooms. Long and back-to-back cases wore on everyone’s tempers and love for one another so it was a relief to have space and time away. But now it feels like a curse because there is nothing they can do to stop him from isolating himself.

“Give him space,” Dave says.

The question remains the same as it always does. How much space do they give before it becomes irresponsible? And how much of a watch can they hold over him before it becomes insulting?

Everyone nods, then starts to go about their post-case rituals. Derek is on the phone to Penelope, JJ and Emily are changing into more comfortable clothes so they can go for a walk and Dave is finding the nearest bar. Normally, Spencer would either join Emily or Derek. Today, something tells him to go upstairs. His room is next to Hotch’s.

“I think I’m going to go for a nap,” he says. The team appreciates being told when plans change.

“Sure, that makes sense,” JJ says. She’s texting Will, so he understands her detachment from the conversation. Emily and Derek nod, also already preoccupied.

“Spencer. Remember. Space,” Dave says. He’s not being unkind.

“I know. I won’t forget,” he says. Of course he won’t. But that’s not what he means.

“You’re a good kid.” Dave calls the people he sees as children that. He’s not used the term with Aaron in at least three months. It’s the third time that case that Spencer has heard it in place of his name. He wonders if Dave knows.

“Thanks,” he says before turning and walking upstairs.

He knocks on Aaron’s door. “It’s me.”

Aaron pauses his pacing. “Spencer, I know you’re just trying to help but I really, really need to be alone now.” His voice hardly shakes, but he can’t tell whether he’s grateful or not. He needs them to know that he’s struggling otherwise there’s no point in screaming, but he wants them to run before they help.

“I know. But I’ll be here if you need me.”

He nods, then remembers Spencer can’t see him. “Thank you.”

Spencer walks away and into his room. Aaron puts the lock and chain on his own one, breath already coming in short breaths. He feels the familiar haziness of a post-case drop and knows that he needs to eat, drink and sleep before he completely crashes.

There’s nobody watching him but Haley’s knowing gaze and Jack’s childish innocence. And they aren’t real, it’s just a moment in time that Jessica had once captured. Haley doesn’t know anything about him anymore, she’s six feet under and it’s his fault. Just like how Jack no longer has a childish innocence because it’s been stripped from him.

Just like his.

Just like the unsub.

Just like their victim.

He reaches into his bag for a water bottle to hold, but his hand closes around something soft instead. Confused, he pulls it out.

It’s a giraffe. The mother had handed it to him when they’d first interviewed her, saying that as soon as they found her baby, he could give it to him and he would feel better. Safer. Like he really did get to come home.

And in between everything else that had happened, he’d forgotten. Now there is a boy that is going to have to trust that nothing bad was going to happen as the darkness closes in, and he would be forced to confront it without his favourite item. He had already lost enough.

It’s stupid, to be getting so overwhelmed by a giraffe plushie. But it isn’t about the plushie. It’s about everything else.

He’s getting overwhelmed. He is starting to feel disconnected from his body, like he’s watching his life play out from someplace else and that there’s a thought he can’t quite put into words, but thinking it will do something terrible.

He drops the plushie as his throat starts to close. Every small detail from the case seems to be coming to the absolute forefront of his mind and there’s nowhere to lock them away because it’s all too present and too much.

The images pile up on top of each other, each more damning the one before. The smirk before the unsub had assessed his character, turning his insides to ice. The dazed expression on the boy’s face, as though he couldn’t quite believe he’d been saved. The gratitude the mother had shown, even though he didn’t deserve any of it because- because

Emily had flinched.

She’d flinched away from him and closer to an unsub because she felt safer there than with him.

He’d scared her.

And he didn’t know if there was anything- words, actions, sacrifices- in the world that would make up for that.

Before he can fully process what he’s doing, ice cold water is assaulting his back and freezing his skin even through his suit jacket and shirt that he makes no effort to remove even though they were a present from Dave and dry-cleaning will be hell.

He’s so unaware that he doesn’t even know he’s crying till he tastes salt. The realisation only causes him to sob harder because this is who he really is. This is what happens when the walls come down and there’s nobody left to pretend for.

He falls apart, and it’s disgusting to see.

His clothes are soaked through. He’s starting to shiver. Hair is plastered to his face and he can’t bring himself to push it off because now he looks messy. The tears falling from his eyes mix with the water that is still cascading with too much pressure. As he stands to turn it off, he slips and bangs his hip against the tub.

Maybe he screams. Maybe he doesn’t say anything because there’s nobody to hear him. But he can’t help but feel as though it’s a sign. He knows he needs to get up and get out of the shower because he is shivering and uncomfortable, but perhaps there would be something good in giving up. If he gave up, he would never scare anyone again.

What Aaron hadn’t accounted for was scaring someone whilst he was still alive, and the response it would create.

Spencer heard him fall from his room. Or more accurately, he heard something from Aaron’s room as he stood opposite the door, debating whether or not he should go in. He understood they needed to respect his space, but there was something uncomfortable about sitting in his room whilst his friend was struggling so close to him.

“Hotch?” He called out.

There had been no response, and he had hovered for a few moments.

Aaron did scream. Spencer heard it. And whilst he didn’t have Derek’s strength, he did have Derek’s technique. Within seconds (and on his first attempt) the door flies open. Aaron isn’t in the bedroom, and he panics for a second.

Then he hears the shower running.

He should have known. Back when Gideon was with the team, he used to set a timer as soon as Hotch said he was going to shower. And if it went over a certain number of minutes- nobody else on the team ever knew quite what the number was- he would go in and make sure everything was okay.

Reid had thought it was strange until he saw Hotch’s suit hanging up to dry.

“Hotch? I’m coming into the bathroom,” he announces. But if his suspicions are correct, Hotch will be too far gone to process his words.

Spencer doesn’t have the words. Hotch is sitting in the shower, hair plastered to his face. His eyes are red, silver lines embedded onto his cheeks as tears continue to silently stream down his face. The water is causing him to shiver, but it’s like he hasn’t even noticed. He’s still talking to himself, but the words aren’t making any sense.

And that strange but familiar sensation, of watching your parent become your child, washes over him.

He needs to do something. Anything.

Again, he doesn’t have Morgan’s strength, but he has the same first aid training as a paramedic. He knows how to lift someone safely. Hotch will likely support some of his own weight since he’s conscious, but Spencer knows he needs to be careful or he risks hurting himself.

“Aaron, I’m going to put my arms on you. It’s just to lift you out of the bathtub. That’s all,” he says.

He doesn’t get a response, but they don’t have time to wait for Hotch to come back to himself. He just turns the shower off, and leans forward. Then it suddenly occurs to him that he needs to make sure that everything is normal, or at least not bad enough to require immediate hospitalisation.

It happens in the space of a second that feels like every millisecond plays out in slow motion. Aaron touches Spencer’s face. With his hand, and a shocking amount of force. Then Spencer’s hand falls away and there’s a sudden surge of pain.

When he presses his hand to his face, it comes back streaked with red. Perhaps it indicates some deeper issue with his relationship to his body and the strain it can survive, but his first thought is not concern for his hearing or his health. His first thought is fear about how Hotch will react when he realises what he's done.

But now he’s back to being himself, and Hotch is still sitting and shivering.

He does the only thing he can. The phone rings twice before it’s answered.

“Spencer?”

“Derek,” he whispers.

He hears movement, and he knows he doesn’t need to say anymore. He’s not sure he’d be able to say anymore either.

“Hotch? Can you hear me?”

Hotch doesn’t reply. Spencer sighs. Until Aaron comes back to him, he isn’t quite sure what he should do. He doesn’t want to try and lift him again because it could be dangerous. His face hurts, and there’s blood dripping onto his shirt, but he can’t turn his back. Not yet.

But he needs to.

He walks backwards, keeping an eye on Hotch. Then he turns, runs into the bedroom and pulls the duvet off the bed. It’s the best he can do, even if it’s not ideal.

“Aaron, I’m just going to put this on you because you’re really cold right now,” he says.

Aaron nods, and Spencer almost cries with how relieved he is by that small motion. And then he starts to panic because it means he needs to hurry up and clean himself up before Hotch starts asking questions.

“The door had been left open. I assumed that meant I was meant to come straight in,” Derek says.

Spencer jumps, and turns around. He’d been dabbing at his face and shirt using the basin that was in the room. “Yeah, I-”

“What happened to you?”

“I don’t- he didn’t mean to.”

“Spencer. What is happening?”

Aaron screams

Derek and Spencer look at each other, then run into the bathroom. Hotch has thrown the duvet off of him, and is back to shivering. His arms are wrapped around his knees and he’s rocking himself back and forth. His eyes are no longer completely glazed over, so it’s clear he’d come back to himself.

“Hotch?” Derek whispers, trying to use something his father hasn’t tainted.

“No, no, no, get away. Get away from me. Get away or else I’m going to- I’m going to hurt you. I’ll hurt you. Same way he did. I’m not better. I’m not better, never have been. Get away. Get away. I’m bad. I’m a bad person and you can’t- you can’t be here,” he murmurs.

Derek looks to Spencer. “Hotch, you are better than your father. You didn’t intend to hurt him. And I know you’re scared. But it’s okay. Spencer forgives you. Spencer forgives you, and so do I. You have made amends already. We’ll deal with everything later, and we will get you help and this will not happen again, I swear. But right now, I need you to do what I say. Okay?”

“He forgives me?” Aaron asks.

“Yeah Hotch. I forgive you. It’s okay,” Spencer says. He knows how terrifying this must be. He knows that Aaron will do everything he can to make sure he learns to never do it again. And he knows that Hotch will never have to learn alone, because he’ll be right there.

“It’s all going to be okay,” Derek says. “You just need to get out of the bathtub and start to warm up. Can you do that? For us and for Jack and for yourself?”

Aaron nods. He stands on shaking legs, and then he takes Derek’s hand with a slight smile.

Spencer grins at him as he walks past.

Aaron doesn’t relax when they get him in the bed. “What if it had been Jack?”

It’s the unspoken question they’ve been asking themselves since the case started and they realised it was only a matter of time before he lost control. But at that time, everyone had assumed that would simply be an emotional outburst. Jack knows how to handle everyone’s tears. Has done since his mother’s funeral.

“It wasn’t. It wasn’t, and that’s what we need to focus on. It wasn’t Jack this time and it won’t ever be Jack because you’re going to get better. I promise,” Derek tells him.

Aaron doesn’t seem convinced, but he’s too tired to fight. “You never break your promises,” he whispers.

Derek doesn’t believe that’s true. “No, I don’t.”

“Do you want us to stay?” Spencer asks.

Hotch shakes his head. Then he hesitates. “Yes. Please.”

“Okay.”

He falls asleep a few moments after that, and the shivering stops a few minutes after that. He looks more peaceful. Younger as well. And like he’s not hurting. Like he remembers who he really is.

There’s no guarantee that it won’t happen again. But there is a guarantee that he will try and make sure it never does. And that’s enough for all of them. Because across town, there’s a boy sleeping in his own bed whilst his mother and father start to forgive themselves and each other.

And in that motel where the mattresses are slightly lumpy, the water never reaches the optimum temperature and the coffee feels more like water with a bit of flavour, there is a man who has enough love for his family to do whatever it takes to get better. Love alone isn’t going to save Jack Hotchner-Brooks, and that much is clear. But his father’s desire to do better and be better and make sure he never knows a touch laced with anger, and the rest of their family’s support to make sure he’s able to find that help, is.

Aaron will wake up in the middle of the night, feeling too cold and disoriented. Derek will ease him back to sleep, and Spencer will be okay despite his injuries. Then the sun will rise on them once more, as it always does, and they will start their own journey to getting better. Somewhere along that journey, Aaron will forgive himself.

And then he’ll suddenly feel warm inside, and it will taste like Haley’s surrounding him with all her love.

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mushroom-for-art · 1 year

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Me writing the most self indulgent shit ever known to mankind lmao, also known as putting May through the pain suffering just because but this time it's Digimon, featuring our favourite horrid REDACTED belonging to @oogaboogaspookyman, he's here to be a cunt really, this is pretty dialogue heavy as lmao its basically just him bullying the shit out of her at her weakest point and rambling about things that would've happened previously in the time line and discussing May's troubled relationship post digimon time lmao, again self indulgent I just had these really specific scenes and gotta get them out lmao

Corruption

Digital energy crackled and pixelated from the unusual vortex in front of them, the crowd hushed and murmured in terror as something from within the blackness pushed forwards through into their world. May put herself at the front of the group shielding her siblings from view the best she could as Lopmon stood by her feet, ears spread to look more intimidating. Dripping dark energy pushed from the portal as sparks of red lightning cracked and whipped around shorting nearby electrical appliances as an unfortunately, familiar grinning maws greeted them, it didn't even try to look humanoid as a mouth closed and opened into a black eye with a frantic white pupil. The pupil bounced around scanning over the horrified faces of the people as its many mouths pulled into delighted grins with teeth large and sharp, a deep echoing laugh coming from each mouth and even the visible eye as it surveyed the terror gladly eating it up before its eye fell upon the three siblings narrowing to a pinpoint before blowing wide in entertainment and excitement.

"How, small and pitiful you all look, my even tinier than you were before."

It's voice mocked from its eyeball, still laughing from its mouths, the eye blinked into a mouth as other mouths closed and opened into eyes scanning around in an erratic manner, though more so to make them uncomfortable, this beast didn't know fear.

"I bet I could splatter you like insects right now, decorate your disease ridden world with your bright gorgeous blood."

"Then why don't you, you Prick." May's voice was cold and sharp as she glared taking a challenging step forward, "oh yea I know why, because you can't interact with this world, your data is too much and you can't fully come through so you just sit there and taunt trying to make us scared, trying to terrify people while you plot a way into this world. It didn't work last time though did it? And I'm not going to fucking let you try again." An eye fell upon her watching her as its other mouths twisted and contorted out of shape.

"Then why don't you come and stop me?"

It asked simply as it started to pull backwards into the portal, the pavement splitting from the ground beginning to float as the portal moved awkwardly into the sky, the slabs of pavement swirling around it as the creature grinned at them.

"Well, digidestine? Can you stop me this time? Or have you already lost too much?"

As its form disappeared, May could only grit her teeth as Lopmon looked up at her for guidance.

"We can't go through that portal May, times synced now in the digital world, we'll lose real time here. Let some other people deal with it, we can't be the digidestine anymore." Her sister spoke behind her and May looked at in confusion and disbelief at what she was hearing, even Salmon looked uncomfortable at the idea they weren't going to do something nuzzling into her sisters leg, May opened her mouth to argue that there was no one else they'd met no other younger digidestine.

"No." Matts voice snapped, "look you might have gotten out of that ordeal fine 10 years ago, but some of us did lose too fucking much!" His voice was a snarl as he moved to touch where his lower arm had been removed from his body, Labramon whimpered against Matt as he crouched on the floor, guilt and shame washing through May making her heart hurt. "You might not be so lucky next time, I wasn't." His words stabbed into her as she looked at him, her sister nodded a bit awkwardly adding.

"We got really banged up last time, I mean, you've seen the scars I got, you've seen what happened to Matt, you got off easy but you're not indestructible." May's hands clenched into fists, their words becoming poisoned jabs, snide hateful remarks for years and years, snipping snapping biting into her over and over as her eyes became wet with frustration.

"Fine. I wasn't even going to fucking ask you to come. I'll fucking deal with this myself." She turned walking away from them quickly, "let the weakest link smash that cunts face in!" Her voice a frustrated yell as she leapt onto a floating pave slab with Lopmon leaping up behind her following.

"May don't be fucking stupid for once in your life!" Her sisters words fell on deaf ears as she leapt and flipped up the platforms with acrobatic precision, ignoring her sister cussing her out insulting her, as she got closer to the portal the air felt static like as Lopmon flew up besides her, digital energy engulfed them both as they disappeared through the dark of the portal.

The local advertising screens came to life displaying the digital island they'd found themselves upon years ago as Dianamon landed gracefully but with force. She walked with a dangerous tremor in her step, "Where are you?! Come out you coward. Let's end this!" May and Lopmons voice overlapped creating an almost new voice as they scowled around looking for the black ink beast. She heard him laughing before she saw him, barely dodging a large black spike that ripped through the ground and would have went right through her.

"My my, all on your own? No siblings to back you up? No lover? Oh yes I forgot, he replaced you didn't he?"

She slashed at him with her moon sickle slicing through the black inky body as the ink fell to the ground with a splat before crawling away to a larger mass of blackness as the creature took form again, still inhuman with eyes and teeth grinning at her. She lunged at him again swinging and striking with her weapon, retreating to draw back her bow and shoot arrows through his inky substance splatting it off and watching it disintegrate. She wasn't going to amuse his games. Despite her attacking he seemed pleased simply reforming lost mass to sustain himself as he dodged or allowed her to slash his form just to pull himself up somewhere else.

"I suppose it does make sense. I mean, you always held them together, you were the link in their chain that strengthened them and how do they respond to that?"

He laughed a wicked laugh as a morphed pale form of her sister pulled through the black slime walking towards her with hollow black eyes. When it spoke it used her voice, it sounded distant like a recording rather than the vocal mimicry it did for its usual voice.

"Why do you always ruin things for me?! You're so fucking selfish you know why are you even in this fucking contest?! You just want to show me up! And are you happy?! I only came second because you fucked with my brain! Why the fuck would you go 'best of luck sis', don't you have any idea how much fucking pressure that puts on me to perform well when I know you're just going to do better?! You're such a shitty person sometimes May, I wish you'd fucking disappear sometimes!!"

Her sisters voice screamed at her even if it felt distant, May leapt back as the fake hollow version of her sister collapsed into black sludge as his voice laughed mockingly before tutting.

"Aw, now that really wasn't very kind."

It doubled over on itself laughing as its mouths snapped with teeth and its eyes rolled around.

"I mean, she was right, you were always better at the gymnast stuff. That must put an awful lot of pressure on her, funny though, you never ever won, not even third."

It straightened to look at her twisting it's head as it leant forward, it's body turned to sludge by another swing of the moon blade but that didn't stop it talking.

"Kind of stupid of her not to notice, why did you never tell her huh? Why did you ruin your own performances with rookie mistakes on purpose to receive worse points when she hated you for even being there? For daring exist?"

She gripped her weapon tightly, not giving it the satisfaction of an answer as it cackled dark ink encircling her and grabbing at her ankles before she slashed it away and flew up to avoid his mocking grabs.

"Oh that's right, because you loved her or something. When was the last time she was kind to you May? When was the last time you felt loved by your sister and not just shame and hatred?"

Dianamon shook her head to rid his voice from her ears, she couldn't afford to think of individual components right now, she was Dianamon now, she can be May later, she couldn't risk dedigivolving and losing her advantage. It seemed to sense her struggling shooting up black tendrils that slammed her back into the ground with a sickening crunch of something and a horrid gasp of pain from the celestial Digimon as she forced herself to her feet before the ink tried to consume her.

"You really struggle and fight so much for people that seem to loathe you, most of the world doesn't know you exist and yet here you are fighting to try to save it, but when has the world ever done anything for you? I know none of you received acknowledgement for what happened ten years ago, doesn't that make your blood boil in rage? That you risked life and well, your brothers limb and all you got was the terror and fear screaming, crying for help as you cradled your unconscious brother as his arm bled new blood."

Its mouth quirked into a wicked smile as her expression darkened knowing it had touched a nerve. She slashed and attacked with everything she had yelling in anger and pain trying to destroy him as his corrupted data mass remained consistent allowing flecks to crumble away to make a form to be slashed to keep her eye to exhaust her as it laughed at her torment. From the ink a pale Matt formed looking at her with bleeding black eyes as it too approached her.

"Look you might have gotten out of that ordeal fine 10 years ago, but some of us did lose too fucking much!"

His voice was distant like a recording once more as it parroted back things that had been said. More and more words came from its blackened mouth phrases that she'd heard throughout the years since coming back, passive aggressive 'good for you's, snarly snapping remarks, and things she hadn't heard, spiteful bitter whispers of 'why me', a cold harsh 'it should have been her,' that made her throat go dry and heart almost clench as though grabbed and crushed, Dianamon couldn't afford to cry and yet her eyes watered and her grip on her weapon trembled.

Once more the pale clone copy collapsed back into the blackness as it taunted and laughed.

"What a cruel thing to say! He said it often as well, oh how he wished you had suffered instead of him, he thinks it's unfair, unjust, that he didn't deserve it, how funny he believes that you in turn did deserve it. Its quite funny actually! I suppose it's because you never told him the full truth did you? I mean, you wouldn't have dared he lost his arm. Who are you to tell him it was going to be worse? And that you stopped it being worse like some savior when he was going through such a horrible affair, you would've looked like quite the dick, I can understand why you kept it to yourself."

Dianamons made more empty slashes at her tormentor, snarling "JUST SHUT UP AND DIE! I'LL DESTROY US BOTH IF IT STOPS YOU FUCKING TALKING!!" But it only cackled at her swirling and forming eyes and taunting mouths as it without her knowledge began to destroy the data around them, disintegrating trees and rocks leveling the area slowly.

"How fittingly self-destructive. You always did value others more than yourself."

Another hollow pale form, this time herself, or well the form of May, Dianamon struggled to maintain its own identity as the voice of May parroted from the past spoke.

"Please god don't hurt him! He's my baby brother, please you can take anything from me, humans, we have all kinds of interesting organs! Yea yea, I'll trade you, you could have my kidney! And you give him back yes? Please, I am begging you please take from me don't hurt him my skin, my hair, my eyes, my lungs Fuck you could take my heart kill me right now just just please, please let him go, please, he means too much to me I will do anything just don't please don't take him from me please"

Dianamons eyes watered uncomfortably at sickening memories from the past, her brother unconscious as an Archnemon regards him for experimentation for devouring planning to hack him apart and then dissolve his flesh. The hollow stared forward and through her before screaming horribly as it was cut open by nothing, Dianamon tearing her eyes away cringing and exhaling a shaky breath through her nose at they remembered the sensation of large hands plunging into her guts and pulling out what it wanted, the carving of her organs and the teeth, the horrid teeth that sank into her wound ripping her flesh away from her body and the sickening enjoyment the Archnemon had taken from the experience, helplessly caught in the creature web, and then the guilt and horror as it took a cleavor and-

Dark tendrils slammed her chest sending her flying backwards hitting the ground and bouncing slightly as she cried out her weapon flying from her hands and disintegrating before it hit the ground as she weakly hauled herself into a kneel.

"That was a dirty move." She snapped, but her component's were struggling, tears ran out of one eye at the guilt of not being able to stop the twisted digimon from taking her brothers arm. It only laughed at her in enjoyment feeling her terror, guilt and pain with great satisfaction. She pulled herself to stand but her body was struggling, the phantom pains still ripping away at her body as she shuddered, she'd never told anyone about what happened, not the truth at least. Dianamon shook her head, May had never told anyone but she was not May right now.

Black ink shot out in the form of a large hand grabbing her body and began to squeeze before she could even move, her armor crushing uncomfortably into her body as the entity pulled itself up out the ink and took on a painfully familiar form, it copied the face and body of, someone May once cared deeply for, another crush from the hand engulfing her body and Dianamon faded. Lopmon fell to the ground with a weak groan as May remained crushed in the grip.

"Lopmon run!" May attempted to struggle as the tired rookie pushed itself to stand stumbling before the ink wrapped around its body dragging the bunny-like digimon by its ankles to the twisted form of May's old crush. They tried to attack, opening their mouth weakly to summon energy before the pale humanoid grabbed its mouth shut harshly with a snarl.

"Behave little one, would be a shame to destroy something that could be of use to me. Besides, i'll kill your human if you're a brat."

Lopmon whimpered but couldn't fight, too injured and tired from being Dianamon, and May was weakening too. It looked over at her and slowly the large hand pulled down into the earth releasing and leaving her standing though with difficulty she swayed and gave a weak glare as it scoffed at her before it was right in front of her with astonishing speeds it's pale hands grabbing her face, Lopmon tossed aside, as it arched over her threateningly, grinning with too many teeth at the wonderful fear from her.

"You've always intrigued me, such fight such love and for what?"

It's grip tightened threateningly on her face as she tried to pull away and shake her head sinking in claws to draw blood making her still as Lopmon was restrained in dark inky tendrils, the surroundings barren now save for his corrupting black ink.

"Don't make me pop out your eyeballs~"

It's tone faked sweetness as his thumbs pressed under her eyes threateningly.

"It's a shame he gave you up the way he did, choosing another woman while you were kept apart by distance, it's like everything you went through meant nothing to him, like he didn't care about the bantering you shared, the stories the company, do you think he thought of you as much as you him? It must hurt knowing you don't matter so much to someone, that they can replace you just like that."

A finger snapped for emphasis on another arm before it disappeared, his tone was quieter than usual it was almost sympathetic comforting as her eyes began to water against her control, tears rolling down her cheeks as she struggled to breathe, all the repressed feelings all the times she made herself be strong crashing down on her so now she was weak, bubbling pathetically under her worst enemies watching gaze as she cried against her control. She was unloved and despised, she wasn't enough for the people she cared deeply about and she couldn't stop him she couldn't protect them she couldn't save the world from his plans to destroy it and now he was going to kill her, and the worst part was she was alone. The people she loved weren't coming to save her. Her breathing choked as her knees felt weak. She wanted to rip his hands from her face to just collapse and cry to pull her eyes away but he held her firm and her eyes were locked to his.

"Sweet little thing, all alone and unloved. You tried so hard to be the best you could be and to be good enough, you sacrificed so much of yourself, didn't you?"

She choked a breath, her head nodding against her control as her knees gave out and desperately grabbing at his arms fearing that she would fall and he would simply pull and rip her head from her body, but the tug never came, his hands didn't move as she gripped to him weakly her body slightly limp as his thumbs wiped against her cheeks in a way that was almost soothing if she wasn't so terrified for why he was acting this way, she was so so tired, every moment her energy seemed to be sapped. Was this his plan? Cradle her till she expired, taking her life energy? Maybe he was going to take her body upon her last breath turning her into a puppet to get to the real world. She could only fear more at every passing second.

She could feel the ink starting to crawl up her body, oh god he was going to turn her into a flesh puppet for his data. She didn't even have the energy to struggle.

"You're so tired aren't you? So tired of not being enough for some people, tired of hurting in silence, tired of thinking, tired of existing, tired of hurting because of other people. You just want to stop thinking don't you? Stop worrying, stop hurting. I can make all that go away, empty your mind of all that aching all that anguish, I wouldn't hurt you like he would. "

As she stared up at him his face began to slowly slide off and melt almost before his face fell and splattered black flesh and liquid right onto her face, she gasped in horror choking on the foul ink as it slid down her throat and up her nose and crawled into her eyes, she tries to struggle but her body couldn't move wanting to cough up the black corruption but only choking further as he threw his body backwards to howl in laughter removing his hands from her face as she collapsed from choking and the blackness already wrapped around her legs. He watched her spluttering on the floor on her back, black liquid bubbling up out her mouth as she choked and her eyes turned black, the corruption engulfed her pulling her down into itself with only a few bubbles as the last of her breath was taken. The creature grinned as its form became twisted once more, despising the humanoid guise it needed to use.

He hadn't been lying, he had always been intrigued by that one, she was just so corruptible, pushed to the edge of darkness by those around her every day, they really did all the hard work for him. Once he was through with her well he could have his fun before disposing of the last of the filth known as humanity, but until then he now held a very powerful ace, a Kelpymon and a digidestine corrupt to his whim. It glanced over to a patch of pixelated space, knowing the human world could see him and could only grin as the fear, they were right to be afraid of him. He slashed his claw through it ending the connection, laughing to himself, he shouldn't have been surprised by the lack of help really, May was the link that strengthened the chain, with her gone well all that was left was the coward and the clown, as for his human guise well he had his own better life now, why would he risk it. What a blight on this world. Selfish creatures. Horrid creatures. Oh well. They'll all get what they deserve.

#My writing #Self indulgent digimon au #Oc May #@oogaboogaspookyman REDACTED #Tw eyeballs #Tw corruption #Tw self destructive behaviour #Me holding my self indulgent crap lmao #Context uh its been 10 years in the time line Mays obviously been saddled with guilt over Matts arm despite the horrors she went through #Her sister hating her for being better at her at gymnastic acrobatic stuff and misplacing blame on her for her own fuck ups #Even as may sabotaged her own success in something she enjoyed making herself miserable and further hated by her sister #And she hasn't seen monochrome as like they live in different areas but did manage to stay in touch #Unfortunately..he moved on in that time and ya know naturally found someone in his area so kinda a horrible discovery for May #Cause they come to visit to celebrate 10 years since saving a thing in monochrome home town and seeing him moved on well..it hurt..a lot #She'd imagined she'd come see him he'd grab her in his arms spin her around and then hold her and kiss her and kiss her #And all she can do is swallow dryly and say its nice to meet the girl he's now with #I'm sorry I'm not immune to heart break angst #And REDACTED rocks up and goes 👀 and wiggles his eyebrows at the camera because opportunityyyy #Hence him just mercilessly ripping into her #He knew shed chase after him and fall for the bait so he could get her alone but oh the deliciousness of her siblings pushing her away more #Also dianamon is a biomerge digivolution alt mega form as a treat I like to give my characters a bio and normal mega lmao.#Dianamon is like a fusion in a sense and like can be broken if one part becomes unstable they gotta be in sync #REDACTED really just *gentle persuasion* on May drowning her in his corruption smothering her sweetly #He probably is sapping her energy as she just weakens into moldable putty for him to play with and mold into a controllable puppet #Idk was feeling some kinda way about it he's mock kind mock sweet a bitter candy poisoned sugar telling her empty sweet nothings #It's only because he knows she's so weak that she's at an absolute breaking point peak vulnerablity. He'll probably tear her apart later #When he doesn't need her anymore just tears her limbs off spills her guts ect #I won't lie briefly a corrupting kiss passed into my mind but I always wanted his face to melt off onto her cause he is the horror lmao #Cause there's nothing more unsettling than someone's face just splatting onto urs. Plus her choking on his corruption #Plus to some degree he knows monochrome can see this probably so he's being mock sweet to jab at him like I'm stealing ur exgf BITCH

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