#I tried to sleep again but every time I’d start to drift off I’d feel this immense pressure on my body like I was slipping away or somethin

[yoojinluv]

#I keep having these sleep paralysis symptoms (?) #the other day I woke in the middle of the night and I was so sure that someone had been whispering in my ear #saying my name and something else #when I shook that off and tried to fall back asleep I suddenly felt that someone was grabbing my arms and holding them down #and just last night I woke up because I was so sure there was someone running down my hallway toward my bedroom #and so I try to fall back asleep but I hear footsteps again #then I’m awake again #so I try to get to sleep once more and as I drift off I hear someone barreling down the hallway and they get in bed with me #in my dream (?) state I fugue it’s my ex bf and I say ‘you scared me’ #but I fully come into consciousness and no one’s there at all #after that #I tried to sleep again but every time I’d start to drift off I’d feel this immense pressure on my body like I was slipping away or somethin #something horrible would happen #. I had to scroll on my phone for a bit before I could actually get back to sleep #but anyway #all of this has had me thinking #I am currently living (still) with my ex bf at the moment #I need to decide if I’ll get a place for myself or if I’ll move back in with my parents #but idk how I’d cope dealing with this sort of thing in an empty house all by myself #honestly sleeping in my own empty house has always scared me #part of me is excited by the idea of having my own place #since I’ve never had a place just for myself before #but another part of me is frightened by the challenges I would face #I do get lonely #and I’m a bit scared of how I’d cope with that #choosing to stay with my parents would be a safe option #but I’m not sure id be too happy with myself if I decided to do that… #definitely at a crossroads here

[sunshine-theseus]

That One Cat Meme | Ona Batlle x Reader

Words: 1.6k Summary: Ona gets angry when you randomly disappear but it’s hard not to find her adorable Warnings: idk overstimulation? Hints of being neurodivergent – based on my experiences as someone who gets very overstimulated and loves routine/thinks they’re ND but isn’t diagnosed with anything. Requested by - @dandelionlibrary - i really hope you like it!

It was a mistake. A very, very big mistake. There was so much noise and light, and people were basically stuck together like glue. It was hot too. How is anyone supposed to survive in this place?

The team had begged me to join them, just once, for a celebratory drink at a club in the heart of Barcelona. After months of refusing, always coming up with excuses and waiting for Ona to arrive home in the sunless hours of the morning, I finally caved. I regretted it the moment the uber turned onto the street. Lights were flashing through the windows and the music could be heard down the block. People were lined up as far as the eye could see. There was no way I was going to have fun.

But I went.

In the beginning it wasn’t so bad. Ona was with me at all times, and we spent a lot of time in our reserved, spacious corner of the club. Until Lucy and Keira grabbed us both by our hands and dragged us onto the dance floor. I tried to wriggle free, but their determination was enough to overpower a tipsy Ona and a vulnerable me.

“Isn’t this fun!?” Ona yells into my ear. I try not to flinch at the additional noise as I nod my head.

A lie.

“Muy divertido!” (very fun)

There was a small moment where I managed to slip away into the bathroom. By some miracle it was empty and seemed rather clean for a night club, so I locked myself in a stall and just sat on top of a toilet lid. I tried to monitor my breathing and block out the bass that travelled through the floor. I couldn’t survive much longer. I needed to come up with an excuse to leave.

I slowly emerge from the bathroom and go find the group of girls huddled in the corner. I had an excuse fully prepared but as I’m making my way, someone grabs me by the waist and starts kissing my neck. I’m about to turn around and wack them with my purse when they begin to talk.

“Mi vida! Where did you go?” the familiar deep voice of my girlfriend echoes from behind me and I relax.

I stop my shaking hands by placing them over her own that rest on my hips.

“Just the bathroom. I think I’m going to head home.” I turn and give her a smile that clearly doesn’t reach my eyes.

She says something else to me, but I can’t focus on anything specific, everything was too overwhelming. Eventually Ona walks off and I’m left in the middle of a crowd again. I can feel every place on my skin where someone makes contact with me, my clothes aren’t sitting well anymore, there are too many sounds, the lights hurt my eyes. I had to get out.

-

That’s how I found myself curled up in a ball on the rather small balcony of Ona and my apartment. My noise cancelling headphones were securely on my head and I’d successfully rid myself of the horrendously tight and itchy club clothes, switching into one of Ona’s oversized jumpers and some shorts. My phone was turned off and I was just embracing the small bouts of wind and the barely visible stars in the dark night sky.

I don’t expect my girlfriend to be home until much later, so I eventually tuck myself in under the blankets. I loved our bed; it was a lot less overstimulating than a club and usually had the girl of my dreams to hold me tight. Despite the missing final aspect, I drift off to sleep.

I wake up late, Ona by my side as expected. The day off means that my schedule is simply pushed back a few hours and I have spare time to fill.

9:30am – wake up

9:36am – have breakfast + talk to Ona

10:05am – shower and get ready for the day

The middle of the day’s schedule on days off changes depending on who I’m meeting or what I plan on doing. Most of the time it involves Ona.

But Ona didn’t emerge from the room at 9:40am like she usually does, instead showing her face at almost 10. I decide I can push back my day just once to still fit our morning talk. She doesn’t greet me first. Perhaps it’s the hangover, they often mess with our order. She also doesn’t kiss me on the cheek or offer me the glass of orange juice she does every morning, despite always already having a glass in front of me.

“What’s wrong bebé?” the older girl says nothing as she sits down at the table with a bowl to fruit and a glass of water. Odd. Not her normal hangover cure.

“I don’t have anything planned for today so we can just turn the lights off and watch a movie? If your head’s hurting.” I can see her lips twitch at the suggestion, but her face remains stoic.

“Okay, I’m going to have a shower. Maybe we can talk about what’s bothering you afterward?” once again, no reply.

-

I do just as I tell Ona. The shower is set to the correct temperature and my clothes don’t make me feel like I’m suffocating once I get out. I grab some pillows and blankets to lay out on the couch and turn off the lights, settling for the small lamps on either side of the living room. The curtains help block out the sunlight that would be streaming through the windows.

Ona is still sat at the table, fruit and water finished, scrolling on her phone.

“Coriño? Con qué película quieres empezar?” (Honey? What movie do you want to start with).

Usually, I would avoid encroaching on someone’s personal space when they are upset without them asking, but Ona made it very clear physical touch was something she embraced at all times. That’s what lead me to wrap my arms around her shoulders and press kisses to her cheek gently. Hoping for some reaction.

The only thing I get in return is her arms stubbornly crossing over her chest and her lips forming a pout.

Adorable.

“Are you mad at me coriño?” another kiss is placed at the curve of her jaw.

Her lips pull taut and her cheeks flush pink. It’s hard to be intimidated by someone so cute.

“Sí.” She stands abruptly and the sound of the chair scraping against our wood floor makes me feel sick.

“You disappeared last night without telling anyone. And then you didn’t answer any of my texts! Or the girl’s! Yes, I am angry because I was worried mi vida!” Ona’s arms once again cross over her chest and her foot stamps against the ground.

Despite the sight, I begin to feel bad.

“Ona… I didn’t mean to make you worry. I got overstimulated. Everything was just too much. But I told you I was going to go when we talked outside the bathroom.” A look of confusion is clear on her face, and I sigh, approaching her again.

“You asked me where I had been, I told you I went to the bathroom and that I think I needed to go home. I don’t blame you for forgetting, you’d had a few drinks, no thanks to Mapi.”

“Yo soy estúpida. I am sorry for being angry and ignoring you. And I’m sorry I forced you to go somewhere I knew would probably make you overstimulated.” (I am stupid). Ona’s head dramatically falls forward onto my chest as she groans.

“It’s okay. You’re very adorable when you’re angry.” I press a kiss to the crown of her head.

“No I am not!”

“Sí! Yes you are! You pout and cross your arms and you even stamp your foot. Tu tambien eres muy pequeña.” (you’re also very small). I pull away from Ona and smile at the blush that still radiates from her cheeks.

“You remind me of that little kitten meme.”

“What?” I pull out my phone and search for the photo I have in mind.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“Just that you look very cute.” Another groan falls from her lips, and I laugh as I drag her to the couch.

She falls on top of me and I wrap my arms tightly around her, pressing kisses all around her face.

“You have to watch that silly adventure man movie with me.”

“Indiana Jones? You know I hate that guy. He’s so stupid.”

“But I like him, and you caused me great distress!” her laugh slips past her lips and I can’t help but smile and oblige with her request.

“You can only milk that so many times.”

“Mmmhmm.” Her head props up by her chin resting on my chest, and I lean down, pressing a kiss to her lips.

“Te amo coriño.” I smile brightly down at her as the opening music plays.

“Te amo mi vida.”

Ona turns her head to watch the silly movie, but I can’t look away from her. Her freckles seem to shine brighter despite the lack of light and the slope of her nose is so delicate. The way her eyelashes kiss her cheeks and lines appear by her lips when she laughs at some stupid joke. Her hair is in a messy bun, yet she still looks put together.

I can’t help but fall in love with her all over again.

@Y/N_L/N

@Y/N_L/N do you guys see the resemblance?

ona.batlle there is literally no resembilence stop marialeonn16 i see it

#woso x reader #woso #womens soccer #woso fanfics #barca femeni #barcelona femeni #ona batlle #ona batlle x reader #ona batlle imagine #la liga f #spain wnt

[goosefruit]

healing

vanessa shelly x reader

tw: smut, vanessa’s stab wound, fingering, squirting, bottom!vanessa, basically trying to navigate sex while she’s recovering from an injury

a/n: not my best work but i’ve had this idea in my head for so long so i wrote it

================================================

‘Grateful’ didn’t even begin to describe how you felt when Vanessa was finally discharged from the hospital. 

She was there for roughly a month, half of which she spent in a coma. You stayed by her side the entire time, only leaving to use the bathroom and shower. There were times when you were afraid that she would never wake up again.

But now that she was back home, you took care of her like a princess. You brought her breakfast in bed every day (though she insisted she could walk, you knew it took her a great deal of effort), prepared baths for her, and sang to her when she had trouble sleeping.

Two weeks into this recovery process, you had woken up to her whimpering and writhing in the middle of the night.

Thinking she was having another nightmare about her father, you wrapped your arms around her, carefully avoiding her still-tender scar. However, upon getting a closer look, you realized that she was wide awake.

“Is the pain keeping you up?” You were already reaching towards the nightstand  where a bottle of painkillers was readily available. 

“No, baby,” she choked out. “It’s my pussy. It won’t stop throbbing, and I can’t fall asleep.”

If it weren’t for the agony in her voice, you swore that you would’ve made fun of her for acting like a bunny in heat.

“Have you…orgasmed at all in the past two weeks?” 

“I tried! So many times. But every time I got close, my abs would tense up, and then I’d be too busy worrying about the pain from my wound to finish.”

“Nessa, my love,” you positioned her so that she was sitting up with her back to your chest. One hand drifted down to her inner thigh, rubbing it through her pajama pants. “May I?”

She nodded eagerly as she wiped at a tear that had formed in the corner of her eye. The both of you had missed this so much, but you promised yourself that you would only make love to her again once she had completely recovered. 

Was this breaking that promise? You didn’t want to hurt her, but she seemed like she would be hurting more if you didn't start touching her soon. 

So you allowed your hand to move closer to her center as you captured her lips in a kiss. She gasped into your mouth when you ran a finger down her clothed slit. Her pussy was soaked to the point where you could easily feel the wetness through her pants. 

“Aw, my poor baby,” your middle finger traced the slightly protruding shape of her clit. “I’m going to make you feel so good, okay? You just try to relax every muscle in your pretty body.”

With your help, she slipped out of her pajamas so that she was completely naked, patiently waiting with her legs spread as you took off your own clothes. Since this was the first time you were having sex in a long while, you wanted to do it unclothed and properly.

You were on top of her now, trailing kisses up and down her body. Upon reaching her abdomen, you took the time to press your lips all around the bumpy red patch on her right side. She had been afraid to let you see the scar when she first woke from her coma, thinking it’d gross you out. Now, all you wanted to do was show her how perfect you thought every inch of her was. 

“Fuck, yeah…” she let out a blissful moan as you circled her entrance, dipping your fingers in just far enough to rub against her sweet spot. 

“Breathe, baby, breathe.” You whispered as you slid two fingers all the way in. Vanessa thrusted her hips up out of habit and cried out from the strain on her injury. 

“Shit!”

It ended up taking you several different positions until you found one that she was comfortable in. She laid on her back with her hips propped up on a pillow while your fingers pumped rhythmically in and out of her. 

“You tell me if it’s too much, my love.” Your free hand squeezed her breast, mouth leaving little marks on her neck.

“I’m gonna cum, Y/N. Fuck, it feels so good. I missed you so much.”

The hand that was playing with her nipples reached down to gently rest on her hip, reminding her to relax. At the same time, you went up to kiss her passionately. Her favourite way to cum was with your tongue in her mouth, so that was how you were going to do it tonight.

When you finally felt her walls tighten around your fingers, she whimpered as her muscles spasmed. The relief that she had been seeking all week long was so overwhelming that tears rushed to her eyes. 

“You okay? Did I hurt you?” You checked her face for any sign of pain. 

“No, no, don’t worry. I’m fine,” she panted, eyes closed as a few aftershocks washed over her. “But…I think I squirted.”

The wet patch on the pillow below her confirmed her statement. How cute.

“Give me a second, I’m gonna clean you up.”

You brought a damp washcloth from the washroom to wipe away the stickiness on her thighs. By the time you were done, she had already passed out on the bed.

Spooning her, you whispered sweet nothings in her ear. You told her how strong you thought she was, and how afraid you were of losing her. You must’ve whispered ‘I love you’ a hundred times by the time sleep overtook you.

#fnaf x reader #vanessa afton #vanessa fnaf #vanessa shelly #vanessa shelly x reader #vanessa shelly smut #wlw nsft #wlw smut #vanessa monroe

[the-book-gnome]

Confession

Word count: 1.2k

Pairings: Tamlin x reader

Warnings: Drunk Tamlin, fluff

Summary: Tamlin confesses a secret to you in the middle of the night

It’s been a hundred years since the fall of spring, and about 50 years ago the high lord of spring decided to start rebuilding.

You had known Lucien for over a century. Meeting him during the war with Hybern. You helped him with the task he was put on and continued to do so during the war. After that, you didn’t have anywhere to go. Lucien had offered you a place with him and his friends. He called them the “Band of Exiles” at first you thought it was a stupid name, but now you understand it more. Lucien didn’t belong in any court, Vassa was tricked out of her home and Jurian hasn’t had one in over 600 years.

When Lucien told you about how he was planning to help Tamlin rebuild the spring Court, you volunteered instantly, having nothing to do all day was getting boring. It was hard at first, while Tamlin and Lucien went out to see how many of his sentries would come back, you were tasked with cleaning the house. It was annoying but once you started it was somewhat calming.

Now spring was back to how it was before Amarantha, the sentries who refused to come back were replaced. The servants were the first to come back, helping with the cleaning without any complaint. After a few years, everything was stable again. Tamlin had offered you a room, thanks for helping out with everything. Most of the time you were here, on holidays you went and stayed at the house with Vassa and Jurian, Lucien always came with you as well.

You were currently sitting on your bed reading a book, you couldn’t remember what it was about, every time you read a page you’d have to restart since you didn’t comprehend what you read. You decide you were just tired and get ready for bed, after you put on a silky light blue nightgown you cover yourself in blankets and drifted off to sleep.

A loud banging jumped you out of your sleep. You groaned at whoever it was to go away but they just banged their fists against the door again. You threw the covers off of you in anger and stormed to your door, throwing it open to yell at the intruder. You were shocked when you saw the high lord leaning against the wall opposite of you. “What do you want, Tamlin? It’s the middle of the night, I’m trying to sleep,” regardless of his station you were still pissed off.

“Gods, you look so beautiful when you're angry,” Tamlin's eyes were roaming your body, occasionally narrowing in on your chest and thighs. When he stepped closer to you he stumbled and hit your door frame. You caught him from falling on the floor.

“Lovely, you're drunk, you need to get to bed,” Once he was leaning on your door frame, hardly holding himself up, you went to close your door, hoping to get more rest. He slid his foot in the way, the door bouncing back open. Tamlin walked in and sat at the end of your bed, his hands petting the blankets, murmurs of how soft it was left his mouth.

“I don’t wish to leave, I’d like to stay in here with you,” He looks at you, your eyes meeting. He looked hopeful, and from his behavior, you had a feeling no matter what you said, he wasn’t going anywhere.

Your head fell back on your shoulders, groaning in frustration as you looked at your ceiling. There was a sudden pull on your nightgown, forcing you forwards. Tamlin caught you as you fell and easily placed you on his lap. When you tried to get up he just held you tighter, burying his head into your neck. “Tamlin let me go, I don't want to deal with this right now, if you want to bother someone go find Lucien,”

“We drank together and he went to bed, I want to be with you right now,” one of his hands was rubbing your back, and the other was pulling your nightgown down so it didn’t rise. “Can’t I sleep in here tonight? Please, I promise I’ll be quiet,” You relaxed into his touch, he was large compared to you so you easily fit on his lap. You felt bad for him, he was probably lonely and you didn’t want him to be upset. You moved a hand to his head. Threading your fingers through his hair causing him to groan. It was almost like he melted into your touch. “Please,”

Giving up, you said yes, but only if he didn’t hog the blankets, and to that, he gave a small laugh. When he finally released you from his arms you helped him out of his shirt and boots. Walking him over to the other side of the bed he plopped down. After you covered him in the blankets you made your way back to your side and did the same. Having to carry a male over two times your size was apparently difficult. “Get some rest Tamlin,” you moved his hair out of his face and turned your back to him.

A warm arm wrapped around you and pulled you into him. You felt his bare chest against your back, a slight blush rose on your cheeks. “I think you're the most beautiful female in this world. No one can compare to you,” Tamlin mumbled into your hair.

You smiled at his drunken antics, you were sure he’d say that to any female while he was drunk. “Get some rest,” you repeated hoping he would listen.

Tamlin groaned at you and propped himself on his elbow. He turned you on your back and you were looking up at him. “I mean it. I’m not just saying it because I’m drunk, I’ve always thought that” he looked annoyed like he needed you to know this.

“Alright I believe you, can we please just go to bed though?” You brought your hand up to his cheek. Rubbing it gently, soothing him. He closed his eyes at the gesture.

“I’ve been in love with you since the day I laid eyes on you. But you’re not allowed to know that, okay?” Tamlin laid back down and wrapped himself around you again.

You were shocked, to say the least, you couldn't tell if he was just saying that because he was drunk. But with how serious he looked when he said it, you had a feeling he was being truthful. “Okay,” you murmured, and after a few minutes, you heard his breathing slow. Were you supposed to pretend he never said that? Would he even remember it or was he too drunk? Your mind was racing, and your heart was pounding.

You didn't know how to feel about this. Over the years you had slowly started to admire Tamlin, not in a way where you looked up to him but

More in a way that you thought he was absolutely beautiful. His hair and eyes, the way he protected you, how he always asked how you were doing and how he listened to all of your nightly rambles.

Deciding you'd talk to him when he was feeling better tomorrow you let yourself close your eyes. It took a while for you to fall asleep but when you did there was a smile on your lips.

#tamlin #acotar #acotar x reader #acotar fluff #tamlin fluff #tamlin x reader #drunk!tamlin

[verybadatwriting]

Hair (Buzzed Version)

Summary: Reader learns how to express themself through their hair. Part of my Healer series.

Warnings: Bad memories

Notes:The Medium/Long Hair version is here.

Gn!reader

Word count: 671

The knotted lump on the back of your head always bothered you, but caring for it… You couldn’t even start to tackle that. You’d tried in the shower one night, you started to shampoo it, but the feeling of hands on your head brought back horrible memories of your time in HYDRA. Now you were stuck in a limbo of sorts, and the lump of hair just grew and grew.

You lay in bed one night, again thinking about your hair, which inevitably led you to the memories. For most of your time in HYDRA, your hair was much like it is now, hopelessly knotted. Very occasionally –the night before one of the top brass paid the prison a visit– you would be dragged out of your cell and they’d tug a comb through your hair for hours and slather it in products until it was deemed acceptable. 

The smell of those hair care products made you want to throw up, even now their smell was burned into your memory. You sat up and glanced at the clock. 

3:14 am.

If you did not fall asleep soon, you would get no sleep tonight. 

You slipped out of bed, and walked aimlessly around your room. You passed your arts and crafts drawer, and suddenly knew what to do. Reaching inside, you pulled out a pair of safely scissors. You went to the bathroom, stared in the mirror, and started chopping off chunks of hair. They fell at your feet, and you smiled. 

The weight from years of control fell away, leaving your scalp gloriously free. Your breath flowed evenly, and the memories of HYDRA faded ever so slightly. After you scooped up the hair and deposited it in the trash can, you slid back into bed and drifted off to sleep.

When you awoke, you had a smile on your face, remembering that last night you had freed yourself from another way HYDRA had controlled you. You skipped downstairs to grab some breakfast, and ran into Nat on your way. 

“Morning, Y/n.” She said, barely glancing up from a report she was reading. “You slept late, I was beginning to think I’d have to go wake you up.” She paused, then smiled as she took another look at you.

“You missed a spot.” She motioned to the back of your head.

“Yeah, well, I only had one mirror and I did this at, like, three AM.” You smiled, “D’you like it?”

“Yeah,” She said. Then – even though it should have been completely obvious that you loved your new hairstyle– she asked, “Do you?” 

“Yes!” You enthusiastically said, “But you’re right, I did miss a few spots. I was wondering if you could maybe help me fix it up today? After I eat breakfast, of course, and only if you have the time.”

“I’d love to,” She said, “If you want, we could make it an outing. Go to a hair salon, grab some food, too.”

“That sounds fun,” You said, “But I’d prefer if the only people changing my hair are those that I know.”

Natasha nodded in understanding. 

Later that day, the two of you were sat in the bathroom, laughing and listening to music. You had to turn the volume all the way up to be heard over the sound of the buzzing clippers in Natasha’s hands.

“Stop wiggling!” She laughed.

“I’m not wiggling.” You claimed.

“Yes you are!”

“No, I’m dancing to the music.” 

“Whatever it is you’re doing, I suggest you cut it out.” She laughed, “I’m gonna end up nicking your ear!”

You sat as still as you possibly could, but it seemed that every song was better than the last, so you ended up dancing quite a bit.

Finally, Nat set the clippers down, and held up a mirror behind you, so you could see the final product. The hair was cut so short that when you ran your hand through it, it felt like tiny bristles poking your skin.

“I love it.” You smiled.

#marvel #natasha x teen reader #nat x teen reader #natasha romanoff x teen!reader #hair #buzz cut!reader #buzzcut #hairstyles

[goddesswithin111]

Personal void journey - Signs

This post is related to my previous one (48HC update), and I will write about the signs I’ve been asking for & receiving during this journey. Sometimes I ask for guidance & signs from my spirit guides and it’s fun! I learned about the void in late June and took a break from it. For those interested (if you believe in signs) you can try talking to your guides, or spiritual team in general, or the universe, or anything you believe in, for signs. I started asking my guides for signs in July and here’s a timeline:

July 20: asked to receive signs of Aliens👽 if I’m close to getting into the void. I was focusing on other manifestations at that time, not really the void. So I’am just going with the flow knowing that I will enter the void one day. I was open to receiving the sign anytime & I let it go.

July 29: days later, I saw the word “alien” on twitter, the day Beyonce’s Renaissance album was released (Alien Superstar song). I’ve been seeing/hearing alien👽 since then, even today my sister was talking about aliens lol.

August 4: I like asking my guides for confirmations, so I asked them for signs of Cactus🌵 just to confirm the alien signs. I saw the word “cactus” that same day. From then, I started affirming things like “I can easily enter the void state” “I’am the void, the void is me” “I'am a Goddess, a powerful manifestor”

Aug. 7: I know we can get into the void through different ways/methods, I was just curious about what my guides think & would recommend I try doing. I asked to receive Pineapples🍍 to sleep & wake up in the void, or Strawberries🍓 to simply enter the void. I saw strawberries hours later and I thought “okay, let me try entering the void when I meditate or go to bed”. I also started the 48 hours challenge the next day.

Aug. 9: you know me, I like asking for confirmations😄. Again, I asked to receive signs of Crocodile🐊 to wake up in the void, or Ostriches𓅦 to enter the void. This time I didn’t receive any signs and I thought maybe my guides were testing me (they do that sometimes lol). I was like “maybe they are trying to tell me that any method works because we are literally the void”. I just have to keep going. That’s when I changed my mindset/assumptions to I can enter the void by waking up there, or through meditation or sleep paralysis.

Aug. 11: That morning, I had sleep paralysis when I was dreaming. It’s interesting that this happened after I changed my assumptions about the void. If I had been aware of this sp, I would have tried affirming for the void.

Aug. 12: Around 3am, I couldn’t really get back to sleep so I thought I’d affirm for another sleep paralysis. I was on my back but changed position at some point, I also decided to sleep since I had work in a few hours. I was slowly drifting off to sleep and then I saw specs of light behind my eyelids & I felt like I was being lifted upward/floating. I was scared🙈 but I was like “wait, is this really happening now?!” and as I was about to affirm for the void, the feeling/symptom stopped😩. It lasted a few seconds. I was sad but happy! That’s another achievement for me!

Later that day- I was on a lunch break from work. I was watching a video on Youtube and heard “crocodile,” that’s days after I initially asked for the sign from my guides lol. This sign is to “wake up in the void” which practically almost happened this early morning. It’s almost like my guides wanted me to experience this and sleep paralysis to show me that I can do both.

Aug. 13: because of yesterday’s experience, I decided to add a new affirmation- “I always enter the void state once I drift off to sleep” “I will enter..etc”. Later, I saw a picture of an ostrich, the other sign that indicates “entering the void” which I forgot about. I laughed because I knew my guides were confirming my thoughts that any method can work and I don't need to overcomplicate things.

Update: I just saw both strawberries & pineapples in a music video. My guides are just sending me every sign at this point to make their point clear😅

That's all for now but I think I’am done asking for signs lol. My guides were helpful and I’am happy that I was able to experience sleep paralysis and the feeling of being lifted/floating. What’s interesting is that they happened naturally, I simply affirmed and visualized whenever I thought about the void & when I go to bed. I will keep going and I’am sure I will get into the void soon 😊. I also want to add that I believe this subliminal video link has been helpful to me.

#law of assumption #loi de l'assomption #law of the universe #manifesting reality #manifestation #neville goddard #affirm and persist #desired reality #48hc #subliminals #the void state #void state #spiritualjourney #spiritguides

[galactic-star-bruiser]

Savior Complex

I will ride the Phoebe x din train until I die on it.

Din x f!reader

angst, fluff, confessions, anxious Din <3

Savior Complex

Emotional affair

Overly sincere

Smoking in the car, windows up

Crocodile tears, run the tap 'til it's clear

Bruises littered my tired body as I slunk into the crest. 

He trailed behind me, heart and hurt hidden behind armor.

My own name rang in my ears in the sound of his modulated voice.

He had always been so quick to protect me, quite literally throwing himself in front of danger if he had to. 

It was sincere, honest, and brave.

Those adjectives couldn’t exactly describe his emotional output though.

He touched me like he cared and somehow made his gloved hands feel gentle as they healed the wounds that found their way to all parts of my body. 

He grazed his thumb against my bruises, and lingered on them a little too long, staring. 

Though, he’s never been as gentle with his words.

Drift off on the floor

I drag you to the shore

Sweating through the sheets

You're gonna drown in your sleep for sure

The endless nights of screams that came from his sleeping body found me most times sitting on a crate outside of his door, whispering to him that it was ‘okay’ until he had been lulled back to a restless sleep.

I never dared break the barrier between myself and his door... and he never asked me to. 

A few times I found him in the pilots seat, crouched and asleep. 

I always but a blanket over him... but he never mentioned it. 

Wake up and start a big fire

In our one room apartment

But I'm too tired

To have a pissing contest

One time he snapped at me and it felt like something broke inside me. Any part of my child self that was left in me began bursting into tears at feeling chastised.

He yelled because I had misplaced an old blaster of his. 

I felt the strain building over weeks, but it hurt none the less.

“Okay” was all I said back to him before moving to leave. 

He stopped me. Apologized. But it felt cold. 

All the bad dreams that you hide

Show me yours, I'll show you mine

I could’ve been vulnerable with him. 

I haven’t even been able to scream out in my own nightmares because every night I was outside of his door, like a child.

Call me when you land

I'll drive around again

One hand on the wheel, one in your mouth

Turn me on and turn me down

Even though it hurt to be around him and I couldn’t read the signs anymore... I stayed. 

Everyday we were together the tension grew. I couldn’t tell if it was contempt or sexual. 

He was impossible. 

One moment he would be holding the small of my back as we walked side by side, but the next he’d be ignoring any attempt I made at conversation.

////////////////////

Baby, you're a vampire

You want blood and I promised

I knew how much I was screwing over what I wanted. 

I knew she wanted me to speak; to say anything back to her. 

I couldn’t. 

Sometimes id fake a scream just to feel her near to me. To hear her voice. 

I knew it was selfish... but she was the only thing that made me feel safe enough to sleep anyways.

So, I tried showing her how much I cared, how much I wanted her , through my actions,

I guess we aren’t very good at picking up each others cues.

It felt like being drained anytime I even attempted to make conversation with her. 

I was used to being willfully alone, or feared, or just simply left to be by myself. 

I didn’t want to be alone anymore. Not with her around. 

Words failed me unlike anything ever had. 

But I’d give her the world and murder anyone who even looked at her the wrong way. 

I'm a bad liar

With a savior complex

It was hard to control myself around her, with my hands and actions at least. 

It wasn’t even like I was holding back my words... they just never came. I just had the feeling to hold on to. 

Anything I wanted to say to her felt tainted, dirty, and like it would land against her skin and bruise it.

All the skeletons you hide

Show me yours and I'll show you mine

I was sick of myself. Sick of everything. Sick of hunting. Sick of not being able to touch her.

I snapped at her over something stupid that I don’t even remember and the look on her face made me feel like I was crumbling from the inside. 

She never left my side. I wish she was kind or maybe cruel enough to leave. 

I didn’t actually want that, but pushing away from what I wanted helped me to not feel the pain that love or desire wrought. 

I saw her leaning on the crest, waiting for me, with tears in her eyes. 

She shot me a pained smile, ducked her head, and walked in once she saw me, knowing I was there now and it was time to go. 

I’ll never understandd why she stayed with me... but I was grateful. 

I called out her name and it seemed as though it hit her somewhere deep. 

“Yes?” She replied as if I were a stranger 

“I’m sorry I snapped at you-“

“It’s over, you apologized. Its okay now”

why was she always so kind to me?

“No... it’s not” I walked up to her, grabbing her small hands and held them to my armored chest, “the apology was half-assed and we both know it. I genuinely am sorry, cyar’ika, I never want to hurt you.”

She didn’t pull back her hands, and she just stared into the T shape of my visor. 

“Thank you.” She said, but I could see in her eyes that she was hung up on the word I uttered in Mando’a,

“It means darling... sweetheart. Thats what you are to me and I’m sorry for not showing you that. I don’t know if I was scared... or, I guess I just couldn’t think of the words.”

My breath hitched in surprise as she wrapped her arms around me.

“It’s okay.” She said, arms never faltering in their embrace. 

I wrapped my arms around her with a hand on caressing her head, leaning it further into me. 

“You’ve said that every night... that it’s okay, from right outside my door.”

“I almost stopped, unsure if you even heard me or if it even did anything. You never brought it up.”

“I heard you, Cyar’ika. I always listened.”

#din djarin #fluff #din djarin gif #mando #the mandalorian #angst #din x reader #mandalorian fic #mandalorian #Phoebe bridgers #star wars #savior complex

[heretic-altias]

FFXIVWrite Day 18 - A Fish Out of Water

As good of an Altais prompt this is, I've touched on her general out place feelings multiple times already so I decided to go back to Kito's early time on the First a little more with this one.

Don’t know my characters? Here’s a basic breakdown to help you out!

~

Kito could not sleep. Others would be quick to blame the unnatural light slipping through the cracks in his window shutters even in the middle of the night. But Kito knew the real reason.

It was too quiet.

Not in a way anyone else would understand. It had nothing to do with the actual sounds of the city. It was all in Kito’s head. Most people were used to silence accompanying their thoughts. Once, long ago, he would have even been grateful for it himself.

But Kito’s bond with Twintania had given them something unique. A constant sense of each others’ presence, feelings, and thoughts that was hard to explain in words. Their souls were connected, their minds shared one space for two identities. It was never silent in Kito’s mind. Even when they pulled as far apart as possible, Twintania’s emotions were always there on the edge of his mind. The ancient wyrms idle thoughts tended to drift slower than his own, the dragons’ different sense of time showing in her very thoughts. Kito had taken comfort in slowing down his own racing thoughts by matching the pace of his mind to hers.

Now though, his thoughts ran free without restraint. And there were so many of them with everything going on. He had been dragged off to an entirely different world, disconnected from Twintania by the distance across the rift, and his brother was here too somehow. Kito had expected the Scions. Not his insane brother Kotah.

Except Kotah wasn’t insane anymore? If that could be believed anyway. He and the Exarch both insisted he wasn’t like that after spending a couple years on the First. Kito found it hard to believe.

“Can’t sleep?” a voice interrupted Kito’s thoughts, causing him to yelp and fall out of bed in alarm.

Once he freed himself from the tangle of blankets that had come down with him, Kito was finally able to look up to see Ardbert watching him.

“Are you going to haunt me when I sleep every night?” Kito demanded with a hiss.

“You didn’t look very asleep to me. You had the look of a man lost in thought” Ardbert pointed out.

“My thoughts are a little lonely these days, is all” Kito admitted, climbing to his feet and remaking the bed.

“Ah yes, you share them all with that dragon don’t you?” Ardbert nodded as he remembered.

“Can you just leave me alone to sleep now?” Kito demanded.

“What’s really bugging you? I can’t do much these days, but I at least can listen” Ardbert tried again.

“Everything, alright? I’ve been dropped into an entirely different world, and for some reason of all the accidental summons the Exarch managed to pick up my crazy evil brother and everyone insists he isn’t evil anymore! And somehow Twintania was left behind despite him being here! The Exarch thinks she only wasn’t brought here because he was targeting a human, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with this mess”

“I think I get it. Not all of it, but some of it I get. I was in the same situation when I traveled to your world. Everything was strange and unfamiliar. Had my home not been threatened, I might have enjoyed the adventure. I think all of us would have if we had the chance to” 

“Yeah, that I get. It’s exciting. I think I’d be more excited about this if it hadn’t come with a thousand problems” Kito sighed in agreement.

“Try to enjoy the journey anyway if you can. It’s what we adventurers do after all” Ardbert suggested.

“I plan to try. There were some interesting flowers I wanted to collect, so I might as well start with that. Are you able to leave me to sleep now? I do have a lot to do in the morning you know” Kito smiled.

“I’ll try not to haunt you in your sleep too much in the future” Ardbert agreed warmly.

Kito turned to adjust the bed one final time and when he glanced back over Ardbert was gone.

What a strange situation he was in. On a new world, being haunted by a ghost. 

Ardbert was probably right to suggest looking at it as an adventure. If Kito could slip the extra circumstances to the back of his mind a little more, he might just enjoy this visit to another world.

#ffxiv #final fantasy xiv #ffxivwrite2023

[osakunt]

I can’t sleep so here’s a self ship Ft - Sakusa.K

I smile lightly at my child when Kiyoomi picks him up for his turn of 2 weeks. His father tries stealing a smile from me for himself, only for me to avoid eye contact suppressing the urge to close the door.

Not because I was looking at him but because his now partner was in the car waiting for him. Something about her always seemed off. Call it crazy but there are times when you simply don’t like someone by the vibes you pick up from them.

I close door behind me when they the car pulls off the drive way. Wondering why the hell id even let my son around her. There was just this feeling - not jealousy but a feeling that she was king to slip up and I’d have to step in if she were to disrespect my kid.

Why are we no longer together ? Our son is close to turning three - he’s soon to then turn to an older age to when he’ll start asking why his mother and father aren’t together like how some of his friends parents are. It’s my fault, really. I started not giving Yess the time of day, one day and it slowly became every day.

I guess she got tired of me no longer being home. Not there for for our sons first step or first word. Not there to help her out, be there when she was going through it at home and at work. It’s my fault for letting her just leave - I should have begged her to stay - to make her understand that I loved and still love her - that she’s all that matters to me along with the curly headed little boy that resembles her in so many ways.

Every time I see her when we either pick up or drop him off, she looks stunning. Yess never kept anything toxic for us. I’m thankful she treats me as she always has - now less as partner but now as friends. Back at square one I guess.

A wave of sadness hits me when I sit down on my couch, in the house that him I used to share. The family home that we had always dreamt of when we first had gotten married. Now all of that was no more.

Just hollow walls where the silence bounces off of them. Sorrow eating up at me when I think about the occurred.

-

-

Opening my eyes in the dark all I hear is the sound of the a/c running. I sit up rubbing my eyes and sighing at the nice cool air in the room.

I move to the side trying to stretch a bit. I’m aware that someone is by my aside.

“Yess****” I whisper out her full name thinking that I was still in my dream state

My body gets engulfed my warm arms - her head rested atop of mine when she brings me down to the mattress with her.

“We’re going to have to stop watching sad ass romcoms. Had me dreaming that I was dating some random and that I was picking up our spawn because we had split custody

She lets out a chuckle. The sleep in her voice is heard when she continues.

“Go to sleep, if you were to leave me and date someone else - they better be 6’2 with grey eyes, owns Onigiri Miya and has bigger tits then I do - now that’s an up grade ”

“Don’t get any ideas, sweetheart. I’m not leaving you anytime soon.”

“Yea cause I know for a fact I’d scoop up Osamu before you do, if you ever leave me” she murmurs

I’m falling asleep until my head processes what she said.

Next thing I know I push her off me and she lands on the floor from losing her balance on the edge. I didn’t even push her that hard then again she is clumsy.

“What was that for ?…..actually no…..it helped my back. My lower back popped and my bones feel good …… again !!” She lazily let’s out.

“What -no !! You said you’d date Osamu if I ever left you.”

“So what” she shrugs still laying on the floor

“Just no. That twin is capable of actually latching on and not letting go. Not just that but it’s the fact that you have a back up plan … and it’s the fact that our son is actually cool with him”

Silence…..

“Yess……yess…baby”

“Shut up, I’m sleeping”

I go to her side of the bed and pull her back into bed. Her arms once again find their way around me to cradle me as if I were some huge baby. She plays with my curls as she drifts back to sleep

“I’m serious, Yess”

“Yea, yea. Osamu, big tits, dream - I’m right here - go to sleep” her embrace tightens. After so long it’s still hard to believe that a person who takes everything as a joke can be this loving.

Her arms is where I want to stay. No matter when, what age, or where - in her arms is what I call home.

Damn I was so into the angst at the beginning 😵‍💫 you can just tell this was written at 4 am.

#sakusa x reader #x reader cause I’m the fucking reader #sakusa x yess #sakusa kiyoomi #haikyuu kiyoomi #haikyuu sakusa #Osamu miya

[blorbo-from-the-cosmos]

Blorbo’s Shifting Log 21.11.2022

* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚ * ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ

Spoiler : mini shifting, lucid dreaming, & astral projection! progress since my recent successful shifting attempt :) WARNING!!! Long post ahead!!!

* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚ * ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ

Hello lovely people of the internet!! First and foremost,, ??

Uh,, THANKS?!??!! FOR 100 FOLLOWERS??!?!

I honestly want to say that I’m super grateful for everyone who follows me or just generally interacts with my posts. I started this blog as a private outlet for my shifting journey and never anticipated I’d keep up with it this long, let alone that other people would find my little adventures interesting enough to want to stick around so?? Thank you so much I genuinely consider you all friends and I’m just touched so many of you are with me on our own little journeys around the multiverse 🤧🥺💖

Anywho 😌🤝 onto the post!

* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚ * ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ

So I’ve been having more and more semi-lucid dreams since my successful shift a few weeks back, and on top of that I’ve been either dreaming about or actually experiencing out of body sensations?? Which is super interesting and fun in its own right, but it’s been encouraging me more and more every time I go to bed and attempt shifting one more time :)

Last night, I had a semi-lucid dream about one of my dr’s and on top of that I think I astral projected?? It actually might’ve even been a memory of my dr self now in retrospect?? But I can’t remember which came first so I’ll just generally go over them so you can see what I mean.

In my dream/memory, I was at a football game in my Stranger Things DR. I scripted myself as new to the town, and in this dream it was apparent as I was sort of at the game half heartedly while talking to Steve Harrington, who was joking around with me since he and I were just getting to know each other (in my dr I meet him first and through him, I’ll meet everyone else). I remember the event so vividly and detailed that this might’ve just been a memory?? Because I’ve never in my cr life been to a football game, nor did I script any interests in football in my dr so it seemed super out of character for something that was just a “dream.” According to Steve, watching games is one of the few events there are in town, which is why so many people who are not students attend them anyway.

So, as the dream goes on and Steve gets caught up with some old friends, I wander off nearby the fence on the other side of the field as I’m looking around and kind of ignoring the game. I notice some kids I don’t recognize playing football themselves in a corner through the fence and they’re all bickering about something, when all of a sudden Eddie freaking Munson rolls up on his motorcycle and I guess breaks up the kids fighting.

He’s so funny and easygoing tbh, the more I think about it the more I’m sure this was definitely a dr memory. I actually even remember myself going “oh! that’s Eddie! okay cool just act normal, he’s just another person and he doesn’t even know me here, so don’t act like you know him either!” I do believe we chatted for a while before Steve caught up with me and we all hung out for a bit, but that’s as far as my memory goes before I woke up in my cr bedroom again.

However!

This was definitely some sort of dream— or at minimum an alternate reality of my cr— because I could tell by the way I was sleeping and the things on the walls that something was off. I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open and my body was heavy as a rock, I could barely feel it. I started drifting off, but that’s when I noticed I was actively floating. I tried to move around and I was almost flying as I lay flat on my back around my room trying to maneuver myself around lol. I was doing my best to breathe and keep calm, and I tried to lightly paddle around by kicking my legs and moving my arms. However, I guess I was a little too aware because I kept telling myself if I moved too much I’d move my physical body and wake it up since I’ve experienced similar sensations of floating while meditating and assumed this was the same.

I was soooo upset yet excited when I woke up and realized I was not only lucid dreaming, but having an out of body experience that I was in total control over??!?? Gosh it was so exciting and I can’t believe I would have definitely shifted then and there if I just trusted myself enough to move my spirit body since my physical body was heavily asleep and I’m pretty sure now that I was in a dream!!

All in all, I’ve been doing amazingly on my shifting journey and it’s honestly been so long since I’ve felt this motivated and encouraged about it. It’s been about 3 or so years since I learned about shifting, and in those years this is the first time I’ve ever really had such promising success— especially in such a short span of time. Im so excited to continue my journey because I know with my entire heart and soul that I’m in my desired reality right now and, with enough persistence, I’ll see it with my eyes some day soon <3

* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚ * ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ

I hope these posts are encouraging and motivating to those of you still on your journeys as well. Don’t you ever ever ever give up my loves!! Three years or three months are nothing compared to a lifetime of shifting and experiencing reality exactly as you would like it to be! Keep persisting, keep believing, and most importantly, keep loving your journey through the stars. I promise you that one day you’ll see your reality come through and you’ll realize it was a journey worth taking after all <3 :)

It might not mean a lot coming from a stranger on the internet, but you got this !! I believe in you!!

#blorbo from the cosmos #shifting with blorbo #blorbos shifting attempts #blorbo’s shifting stories #law of assumption #manifestation #reality shifting #manifesting #shifting #shiftblr #desired reality #stranger things #stranger things dr #steve harrington #eddie munson #astral projection #lucid dreaming #out of body experience #shifting stories

[late-nite-scholar]

TES Shiptober Day 7-9- Flowers

Well, here’s me late on the ball. I’ve been not feeling good lately and it’s wiped me right out. So here’s the prompt ending yesterday, featuring Farkas and Besharat. Here we have a little story about our desert-born LDB getting an unfortunate introduction to the cold. Prompts by @hombrediablo

Warnings- none

Length- about 1200 words

***

It had been raining almost all day. Rain, in theory, is amazing. Or at least it is when you’ve grown up in a desert and it’s a rare occurrence. But after a while, it was even testing my patience. I also didn’t know that rain could be so cold. I shivered in my sopping clothes, wet to the skin. My cloak had held out for a while, but eventually the constant downpour had penetrated through every layer. But we’d found no place where we could shelter, so we’d doggedly kept going. The horses were no happier, walking with their heads low and snorting in irritation.

“How’re you holding up?” Farkas asked beside me.

“Cold.”

“First place we see, we’ll stop. Just hold on, love.”

We plodded on miserably. I had no idea how long we'd been riding like this; it’d been nothing but grey and wet for so long I’d lost all sense of time. My hands had started to fumble with the reins and had a hard time keeping hold of them. Along with this, I’d become increasingly tired and sluggish. It had to be the depressing weather sapping me. But I’d stopped shivering, at least.

Finally, as we came over a rise, we saw a small farmyard. There were no lights in the windows of the house, but it would be a place out of the rain and that was all that mattered.

We led the horses up to the barn. As I swung out of the saddle everything spun. The moment my foot touched the ground, I fell into a heap. Farkas was right there and pulled me up, asking me questions. But none of them made sense, and nothing I tried to say in return did, either. My mind had gone muddled and funny. My eyes closed…

I was moving now, and suddenly out of the rain. Now I was lying on something hard. Around me I could hear noise, crashing and banging. Then heat began to drift toward me, and something was pulling off my clothes. I moaned, but couldn’t do much more than that. Once out of the wet clothes I was wrapped in a blanket and set on something soft. I opened my eyes a crack. A bed. A bed that soon began to move. It made an unholy amount of noise scraping across the floor, but it didn’t stop until it was close enough to the fireplace that I could feel the heat. I heard movement, more wet clothes slapping onto the floor. Then he was getting in beside me.

“What…? What’re you…?”

“We need to get your body temperature back up. Blankets, fire, body-heat. I’ll make you some tea in a little bit. I don’t want to shock your system with too much too fast.” He was laying right up alongside me, I could feel the heat radiating from his bare skin. He pulled me into his arms and close to his chest.

“Now what?” My head still felt fuzzy, but the warmth was nice.

He replied gently. “We wait. We get you warm again. Damned rain. I should’ve been keeping a closer eye on you. I’m sorry, love.”

I only murmured in reply as I drifted off to sleep.

***

When I woke up again it was daylight and the rain had finally stopped. I was alone in the cabin, but my weapons had been placed close to hand. The fire had burned down in the hearth but it was still giving off lots of heat. I stood, a little shakily but much better than the night before, and got myself into a shirt and some breeches. Not willing to risk it further, I got back into bed. It was then I noticed a wine bottle had also been set beside the bed. Stuck in the top were three sunflowers and a handful of blue mountain flowers. They weren’t just stuffed in there, either. Someone had taken the time to arrange them carefully.

I was about to reach my hand out to touch them when I heard the door handle rattle. I grabbed my sword instead, just in case. Farkas came in, a couple of rabbits and a wild chicken in his hands. When he saw me awake and armed, relief washed over his face. “You’re awake! How do you feel?”

“Better.” I put my sword back down. “Still a little weak, but better.”

“That’s to be expected.” He held up his catch, before setting them down on the table. “I’ve got some more food to help you recover.”

“Thank you. So much. What… what happened to me?”

“You were starting to get hypothermia. Your body got too cold. But we caught it before it got too bad.” He looked at me carefully. “You were shiverin’ yesterday while we were riding. Did you stop at some point?”

“Yes… I thought I was just getting used to the cold…”

He came and sat beside me, face serious. “If that happens again, tell me. Okay? If you stop shivering when you’re cold? That’s a bad sign.”

“Oh! I didn’t know that.” I dropped my eyes. “I'm sorry.”

He pulled me into a hug. “And how were you supposed to know what that meant? Look, before we leave here, I’ll tell you everything to look out for. Just in case.”

“Okay,” I replied, hugging him back.

I could’ve stayed like this forever.

Eventually though, he sighed. “Okay, I need to get to that meat. You aren’t going to get better any other way.”

“I feel so much better!”

“Feelin’ and bein’ are two different things, love.”

“Can I help, at least?”

He kissed the tip of my nose. “Stay here and rest. That’s the best thing you can do right now.”

I watched Farkas skin and dress the rabbits. He did everything with the deft efficiency of practice. And then the same with the chicken, which he also cut into pieces and tossed into our cooking pot. Soon the rabbits were spitted and cooking slowly and the chicken in the pot was cooking in preparation of a stew.

“I feel a bit useless right now,” I half-complained from my spot on the bed.

“You’re recovering.” He reminded me yet again.

I blew at a loose strand of hair in my face. As I looked over, I saw the flowers again. I brightened. “I forgot to say it, but thank you for the flowers. They’re really pretty.”

“I was hoping you’d like them.”

“I don’t think anyone’s ever brought me flowers.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Not many flowers, where I grew up.”

“Hmmm. Maybe someone should bring you more.” He looked over from cutting potatoes into the stew. “If more were wanted.”

“They would always be appreciated.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

A little while later we sat on the bed, eating our stew. I leaned my shoulder into his. “Thank you, for all of this.”

“I’m just glad you’re feelin’ better. I just need to remember you have no resistance to cold.” The tiniest bit of teasing threaded through his words.

“Oh, yeah, well how bout I take you back to Hammerfell and see how you do in the desert?” I countered.

“Oh, I’d die for sure. Heat would be too much.” He kissed my forehead. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

“Me, too. I’m glad you were here with me.”

The fire crackled in front of us, and we sat, enjoying its warmth.

#TESshiptober2022 #tesshiptober #flowers #skyrim farkas #redguard ldb #farkas x besharat #writing prompt

[melloaloe]

SP Success Story~~~

I just want to document this and let y’all see my journey with the law of assumption

So the first thing/major thing I wanted to manifest was my sp. We were sort of friends at the beginning of this past school year. Long dramatic story short, I was struggling with jealousy and had a really hard time believing that he would like me. There was a lot of hot and cold behavior throughout the school year and I genuinely thought that he didn’t like me. He never straight up rejected me, but I never asked him. I wanted him to be the one to ask me, that way I knew that this was because of the law.

During the school year, it was really the only thing I could ever focus on, so affirming was sort of easy for me. I dabbled a bit in a lot of different ‘techniques’, such as scripting, affirmations, visualizing, rampage,telephone technique, etc. It wasn’t until we finally got to April, and I had the grand idea to start listening to subliminals again.

This time I did a little more research into subliminals and made a simple playlist consisting of two boosters, beginning and end, and the actual sp subliminal. If anyone is curious or wants to know specifically what I listened to, go check out moza morph, I really like her subliminals.

Anyways, after I started listening to these subliminals, mainly on my way to school and throughout the night, I really started to see a shift in my reality regarding my SP. He started becoming obsessed with me and we got pretty close. Many of the things that I had scripted were coming true; talking everyday, can’t take his eyes off of me, loves talking to me, I’m his favorite person, constantly texting me, etc. Finally, May 5th was the day that he confessed to me that he liked me and we’ve been together since. He is literally the most perfect boyfriend and my manifestation played out better than expected. We’ve also had many discussions about the school year and what we thought of each other before the relationship and he swears to me that he’s liked me for a long time now and that he was just intimidated by me. I don’t know if that was revision but it really seemed like it. It’s like we had different versions of the past. But idc because I have my boyfriend and we love each other very very much❤️

So what are some tips or key take aways from this?

BE CONFIDENT!!! Okay I had just gotten over my depression and self hatred prior to discovering the law, so I didn’t necessarily struggle with self concept. I would hype myself up every morning and remind my self of how amazing I was. Somewhere deep inside, you just have to know it. Know that you are perfect. Know that you are going to manifest your desire, regardless of anything.

If you like to script, do thissss. Every night before going to bed (or whenever honestly, I just like to do it before I go to sleep so I can think about it as I drift off), write at least a page about how happy you are to have your manifestation. It’s already done, you have it. By writing it down, you are just accepting that it’s true and affirming that it’s true. Almost every night, I would just write about how happy my boyfriend makes me and how sweet and loving he is. I would write in detail so that I could really feel the emotions. Sometimes I would have moments when I would just smile uncontrollably because I was so happy that he was mine. I accepted it and just had to trust and know that it would happen eventually, and it did!

Lastly, it’s okay to cry. It’s totally okay to just cry and be upset. It’s not going to ruin your manifestation. Now if you do it frequently, then yeah, you’ll fall back into your old story. But every once in awhile, things get hard and you just need to let all of these feelings out. Whenever I had a bad day or I felt like it just wasn’t working, I’d affirm or rampage, and then move on to something else like homework or personal projects. I always tried to make sure I never left off on a bad note. It sucks and sometimes it’s not what you want to do, and obviously you don’t have to, but just affirming for what you want while you feel horrible is going to help build in your mind your new reality. Also, if you are really worried about ruining your manifestation, just use and believe the affirmation, I always get what I want no matter what.

If you have any questions or want more tips and tricks, I gotchu. I’ll have more success stories on the way 😉

#law of assumption #loa #manifesation #manifesting #affirmations #success story

[empress-of-hugs]

Breakaway - Domaystic day 28

Criminal Minds, Gen

Elle Greenaway

Also available on AO3

Trying hard to reach out

But when I tried to speak out

Felt like no one could hear me

Wanted to belong here

But something felt so wrong here

So I prayed 

I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

She sighed softly and turned into the warm blankets once again. She closed her eyes and allowed her mind to drift off. There were faint sounds in the hallway, but she didn’t pay attention to them. Outside the window, birds chirped. They tried to remind her of someone, but she refused to allow it. Elle huffed a mildly annoyed breath when she realized she couldn’t fall asleep again. She reached out to the alarm clock and smirked. Of course she couldn’t sleep anymore, it was already past lunchtime. 

She rolled out of bed, her hand instinctively protecting the scars on her chest as if they still bled. Elle frowned dismissively and told herself for the umpteenth time that she had to stop doing this. 

She didn’t feel like taking a shower, not wanting to get confronted with the very real marks Randall Garner had left on her body. Every time she saw those scars she was reminded of how it felt when he pushed his fingers deep into those wounds. She could feel him prodding around inside her, she could still hear his heavy breath as he leaned over her. Nausea started to creep up in the back of her throat and she quickly shook her head. She moved into the bathroom with large strides and filled the glass she’d left there with water. After a few slow sips, Elle felt a little better and she turned away from the sink without looking in the mirror. She couldn’t stand to look at her own reflection anymore, not since that day. 

She left the bathroom without caring about the towels on the floor and reached for her ready bag by the door. As she leaned over, Elle froze. Her ready bag. She hadn’t even thought about it when she left the office, but now she found herself staring at the very thing she’d walked away from last night. Or at least, a symbol of it. She shrugged to shelf the feelings and walked the bag over to the bed. Without thinking too much about it, she got dressed and stuffed her pajamas and toiletries back into the ready bag. Before she left, Elle took one last look around the hotel room. She had gotten more used to them during her time at the BAU. It had gotten so bad that hotel rooms now felt more like home than home did. Although, she reminded herself with a humorless smile, her home wasn’t hers anymore. And it wasn’t a home anymore. The walls were clean, the window seat replaced, but it still wasn’t a home anymore. It wasn’t a place she would ever go back to. 

She left the room and headed straight down to the front desk. The young man working there gave her a cheerful smile. Elle wasn’t in the mood to smile back but forced herself to do so anyway. “I’d like to check out, please. Room 107.” 

“I’m very sorry ma’am but checkout ends at eleven. If you want to check out, I’ll still have to charge you for another night.”

“I’m aware.” She pulled out her credit card and tapped it on the desk impatiently. “I don’t care.” 

He nodded. “Very well.” 

She completed her checkout without further issue and walked out the front door no more than five minutes later. Standing under the canopy she could just about make out the signage for the Megamart on the opposite side of the large parking lot. Elle nodded to herself. She quickly walked over to her car and tossed her ready bag on the floor behind the driver’s seat before driving off toward the blue-and-yellow logo.  

Her stomach growled as she walked into the store, but she ignored it. She’d get something better to eat after this. She followed the signs until she got to the suitcases where she spent roughly ten seconds picking out a small floral hard roller case. After, she moved to the clothes department where she grabbed a few pieces that should be about the right size. Comfortable T-shirts, a sweater vest, and a package each of socks and underwear were on the list. She hesitated for a moment but then grabbed a couple of sweat pants too. Before heading to the checkout, she picked up a small cooler and some milk. Then, too tempted, she picked out a few candy bars. Elle didn’t want to bother with trying to be civil and decided to go through the self-check. Back at her car, she quickly searched through the contents of her ready bag, dumping the items she wanted to keep into the suitcase she just bought, together with the new items. Her bag and most of her formal clothes ended up in the donation bin. The cooler was carefully placed in front of the passenger seat. 

There was a taco place right across from Megamart and she figured that would do as well as anything for lunch. Drive through, because she didn’t want to deal with people more than she had to. She ordered the first thing on the menu, not really caring what it was. All things  considered, Elle pondered as she waited a moment for her order to be done, Tappahannock, Virginia was nothing but a smudge on the map, but it had been a good place to be for the night. Behind Megamart she could just about see the trees that were most likely the home of the birds that had chirped so happily at her to wake up and seize the day. She shook her head. That sounded like something Gideon would say. Gideon. That’s who the birds reminded her of. She let out an annoyed breath. She didn’t want to think about it. After receiving her food, Elle drove off, following the highway that led her away from Quantico, away from the BAU. 

She was done. She was free. She was finally alone again. Elle smiled. She reached over and rumaged through her purse on the passenger seat. She grabbed her phone and her earbuds, connecting the two before dialing. “Hola mama,” she said with a smile, “I’m coming home now. Yes, I’ll stay a while this time.” 

Wanna feel the warm breeze

Sleep under a palm tree

Feel the rush of the ocean

Get onboard a fast train

Travel on a jet plane, far away 

And breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes ‘till I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

I won't forget all the ones that I love

I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

Fin.

#domaystic2022 #sfw #Prompt: Waking Up Late #Criminal Minds #Criminal Minds fanfic #AO3 fanfic #elle greenaway #melanchonic #traveling

[hopelessromanticstrawberry]

obscure memories

when we watched scarface together, u me and ur friend, it was like a cocaine game. every time this or that snort a line. then it became a competition bc coke was ur drug of choice, and i wasn’t even paying attention just lost in the sauce bc we had so much blow it didn’t matter. then my palms started sweating like crazy, i was shaking, i felt my breathing switch to manual and my heart palpitated so loudly it echoed against my skull. i tapped out first and sat trying to focus on the movie while quietly wondering if i was about to overdose, id just gone line after line after line without stopping to let it hit. it was terrifying and exhilarating. I thought after about people who get addicted to the feeling of almost dying.

triple pressed 6mg xanax. your roommate gave it to me as a way of asking if it was cool to take u to the casino 2 hours away. I was supposed to be sober-ish, xans weren’t really allowed atm bc I had almost OD’d at a party and took like 8 when no one was watching me. I got so excited, tried to play it cool, but he knew I was feening. You looked pissed off but tucked me in and put on Blue Planet as I started to get high. Drifting off was so peaceful and blissful. I woke up hours later when you got home, I was still high and when you crawled into bed it was so warm and felt so safe. I smiled like an idiot and passed out again.

The first time I tried cocaine I was 19. The plug came over, it was super lowkey and felt like I was intruding but he was really gentle spirited despite how scary he looked. You let me snort coke right from the brick, it was to date the purest blow I’ve ever had and nothing will ever compare to it. I was instantly euphoric and horny to the point I could’ve had a girls gone wild moment I didn’t even care. You had a rule to not fuck on drugs so we didn’t but I wanted to so badly I could barely act normal, it was almost embarrassing. I was numb for hours, tingly and happy… like a straight shot of serotonin right to the brain. Funny how in less than a month we were doing blow again to go grocery shopping

The first time I smoked weed I was between 2 of my guy friends smoking me up for the first time, ironically both of them were trying to court me. I was supposed to go to the other guys house but something came up and I was bitching about wanting to smoke to the other one, he says fuck it come over right now and we can smoke. I remember hitting the bowl and it was instantly like the rising feeling of being at the top of a roller coaster. I was immediately giggling about everything. We sorta hangout and I can’t stand to look at him because he’s honestly scaring me while I’m high, but everything else is amazing. He had these bricks at the front door and I dumped out a cup of water on it “as a joke”, honestly he got pissed and it was really confusing for me when I was stoned. I went home with bloodshot eyes late late at night, avoided my parents and went upstairs put my headphones on went to sleep. It was a school night but I didn’t come home till late most nights anyways. We started smoking every day after school and I’d smoke with my neighbor otw to school. Another friend brought edibles in and shared them with the lunch table. It was unfortunate because if I hadn’t gone and smoked at that guys house I wouldn’t have been r*ped by him later on, I wouldn’t have been his girlfriend. I made the wrong choice smoking with him so often and letting him learn how to manipulate me. The second I gave in I lost all my power. Could have avoided so much mental illness if I’d never moved in with him.

Painkillers… so weirdly the first times I got high on pain pills I was only 12 or 13, I was still at the age where I played sims on the family computer for hours… I was on my period and it was so severe (and they are so severe) my dad gave me Tramadol, im allergic to all nsaids except Tylenol so he really did me a solid there. I didn’t really react in any type of weird way but zoned into the games happy and chillin, my period cramps came back 35 minutes later but I was still a little litty. I ended up taking a nap on the guest bed with my cat. Later I’d do them a few more times but as an adult, my dad was addicted so it was a mental block where I was actually nervous to take them as an adult. I remember taking Vicodin and Percocet in the summer at your friends house, I always wanted to get more after and you always told me no. I don’t have strong recollections of what happened when I was high maybe I nodded, but I liked the euphoria I felt so at ease and like I understood the world. I felt childlike wonder again. We watched all 3 Austin Powers movies smoking blunts to the face high as fuck, I was so giggly and happy and felt so good. I literally at one point thought “ I get it dad this shits awesome “ I looked at u guys and loved u guys, felt like u were the best friends I’d ever have in that moment. Everything was fuzzy and bright, colors were so vivid, I felt fuzzy n warm inside … I loved it sm

#diary

[allyouneedisbuck]

i’m begging for you (take my hand)

this fic has 18+ content! MINORS DO NOT INTERACT. this is for your safety and mine! please respect that. 

by continuing to read you are stating that you are over eighteen and understand this content is not meant for minors.

summary // bucky doesn’t do love, you love bucky. being friends with benefits makes sense, right? [bucky barnes x female!reader]

words // 19.0k (BUCKLE UP IT’S A LONG ONE)

warnings // modern!bucky, fwb! trope, brief love triangle (steve x reader x bucky), overall toxicity, cursing, daddy issues (bucky’s dad left), drinking, excessive use of nicknames (sweetheart/sweets/baby), oral sex (f! receiving), penetrative sex, unsafe sex (do not have unprotected sex!), spitting, thigh riding, bucky has a metal arm but it’s not explained why (it was a car accident & that is already known by reader)

notes // title from willow by taylor swift (this fic was originally titled heartbeat and inspired by childish gambino’s song of the same name) i just could not get modern bucky not knowing how to deal with feelings out of my head & it became this catastrophe [ive never written 18+ before so pls be gentle in your judgement of those scenes omg] happy reading! 

if you enjoy this, reblogs & replies are greatly appreciated (especially when pieces take this much work)

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

“To Bucky Barnes, my now forever lawyer.” You hold out your wine glass and he meets you halfway in a cheers. Bucky laughs brightly as you praise him. “And now my sugar daddy, since he makes an insane amount of money as senior associate.” 

The two of you are halfway through your second bottle of wine. “I’ve been a lawyer for four years. I’m just now becoming your go-to?” He holds a hand to his chest in faux hurt. 

You lean towards him as you laugh. “I needed to make sure you were a good lawyer. Get me off murder charges good.” It feels like the two of you have been scooting closer to each other all night. 

“Sweetheart, you know I’d be there to help you hide the body if you needed me to.” He leans towards you in a conspiratorial whisper. Your eyes move from his eyes to his lips before snapping back up. “Then get you off the charges.” He breathes out. 

You can feel his breath on your face. The scent of red wine hits your noise and you can see it staining his lips. You want to kiss him so desperately, but you just can’t make the first move. You don’t think you could handle that rejection. 

“I’m gonna kiss you.” He says quietly, his eyes scanning over your face for any sign of rejection. You swallow thickly before nodding. “Okay.” You whisper back before letting out a nervous giggle. 

Bucky’s hand comes up to rest against your cheek. Its coldness relieves some of the heat that’s risen to underneath your skin from his proximity and the wine you’ve consumed. 

Your eyes slide shut as he leans in. His nose nudging against yours before you feel his lips. You bring your hand up to rest on his chest. His lips are softer than you expected and taste like the wine they’re stained with. It’s everything you’ve dreamed of when dreaming of kissing Bucky. 

He pulls away and looks at you with half lidded eyes. “You’re so pretty.” He mumbles. You feel heat crawl up the back of your neck at the honesty in his tone. He presses a kiss against your jaw. Then your neck. Your head falls to the side to allow him better access. 

It’s easy to move into his lap when his hands grip at your hips. “Fuck.” Bucky moans as you grind down against him. You throw your head back in a moan as his lips trail down from your jaw to your neck. 

“Shit.” You say breathlessly as his hands run up and down your sides. Your hands drop down and begin to work on his jeans button and zipper. Bucky lets out a groan when they brush against his already hard dick. 

You stand from his lap and he pulls his jeans off while you move to unbutton your top. As you work on the shirt, Bucky’s hands reach out to undo your own jeans. When you’re standing in nothing but underwear in front of him, Bucky isn’t doing anything but staring. The heat in his eyes makes you feel flush and goes straight to your core. “Fuck. You’re gorgeous.” He says quietly.

You crawl back into his lip and Bucky’s hands find you again immediately. You rub against him and both of you moan at the slight relief it offers. Bucky’s hand drifts down between you two and he begins to rub over your clothed clit.

You grind down on his hand and let out a whine. “More. More. Please.” You whisper. Bucky laughs softly at you before slipping his hand into your underwear and running a finger over your slit. “Oh my god.” Your head falls to rest on his shoulder.

“That’s it. You look so good like this, sweetheart.” He murmurs into your hair. The praise makes you moan as you grind down against him again desperate for more.

You pull back to look at him, one of your hands tangled in the hair at the back of his head. In a breathless tone you say, “Fuck me.”

Bucky groans. “Oh shit.” His hips buck up against you. “Yeah. Okay.” He pushes you off of his lap gently and moves to pull his briefs off. You follow suit and pull your underwear off.

“Come here.” He groans as he pulls you back over his lap. You giggle as he presses a flurry of kisses across your chest. He holds a hand out in front of you, “Spit.” He orders.

You glance at him in shock before following the order. His eyes roll back as he watches you before he moves to use the spit to lube himself up. “Fuck me. Please.” You whisper to him as he teases your entrance.

“Don’t have to ask me twice.” Bucky slips into you and you both let out loud moans. “Fuck. Fuck. You feel so good.” His forehead rests against your chest as both of you relish in the feeling for a moment. After a few seconds of shaky breathing, you yank at his hair gently so he’s forced to look at you again. A smirk spreads across his face at the feeling and you smile down at him, “Gonna fuck me? Or are we just sit here?” You tease. 

Bucky’s hands grip your hips tightly and he steadies his feet on the ground. “Yeah, sweets. ‘M gonna fuck you.”

》•

Your eyes focus in on Wanda as she waves a hand in front of your face. You can feel your body grow hot at the memory of Bucky and you. “What’s on your mind? You’ve been zoning out all night.” She laughs softly.

“Bucky and I had sex last night.” You blurt out, unable to keep it to yourself any longer. You swallow tightly when Wanda’s eyes brighten in excitement before confusion takes over.

She watches your face, like she can tell something was wrong, and doesn’t move to do anything for a second. When she does speak, it’s hesitant. “You’ve liked him since we were in school. Is this good or bad?”

You frown. She was right, you had liked Bucky since he had come barreling into your life senior year of college with bright eyes, mischievous smiles and maybe too many issues to ever be in a real relationship. You had sat through his flings and tried to move on with you own, but every guy had ended up being jealous of Bucky or too boring compared to him.

“He doesn’t-” You suck in a deep breath. “He doesn’t want a relationship.” You say quietly. You take another sip of your wine when Wanda reaches over with pity filled eyes and grabs a hold of your hand.

She shakes her head like she doesn’t understand what you’ve just said to her. “What do... What do you mean?” 

You run your hands over your face in despair. “I don’t... We had like two bottles of wine and we hooked up.” You look up at her with tearful eyes. “When I woke up this morning, he went on about how he loved me and he didn’t want to hurt me.” 

Wanda’s watching you with wide eyes. “Start from the beginning. What did he say? Are you sure he said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship?” She’s shaking her head in disbelief. 

You take a deep breath before launching into the story. 

His bed is empty when you wake up. Your stomach sinks as you stare at his bedroom door left ajar. You can hear him in the kitchen talking, but you can’t quite make out what he’s saying. 

You take a deep breath before getting up. You had hoped he would sleep in with you. That cuddling in the morning would lead to confessions of hidden feelings. Your hopes diminished as you creeped down the hallway towards the kitchen. 

“No.” Bucky sounds anxious as he talks into the phone. “I’m telling you. I fucked up.” You step in the kitchen and he glances over his shoulder with wide eyes. “I’ve got to go. Bye.” He hangs up abruptly and turns to you with a tense smile. 

You give him a small smile in return. “Morning.” You tug at the hem of his t-shirt nervously as he stares at you. “We should-”

“I wanted to-” The two of you laugh awkwardly as you speak over one another. You hold your hand towards him. “You go first.” You move to sit at one of counter’s barstools. 

Bucky’s watching you with wary eyes and if his words to whoever was on that phone weren’t warning enough, this new demeanor around you certainly is. “You’re my best friend.” He comes to stand directly across from you. “And I care about you a lot. You’re one of the most important women in my life. I don’t want to ruin our relationship.” 

You nod slowly as he attempts to reject you kindly. If it weren’t so painful, you might laugh at how awkward he looks. “It’s not...” You trail off unsure of what to say. “Bucky, it’s not that serious. We’re fine.” You reach your hand across the counter palm up for him to take. 

His brows furrow. “You’re not mad at me?” He asks in confusion. “I thought-”

You shake your fingers and he smiles before holding your hand tightly in his. “It was consensual. With a guy I trust with my life. And it was great sex. I’m not mad at you.” You smile reassuringly. 

It’s not a lie. Not at all. Everything you said was true, you had just left out the part where you had been hoping for more. But you could get over this. A one time fling. You could survive it as long as you didn’t lose him. 

“You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that.” Bucky’s shoulders relax. The tension on his face transforms into a cocky smirk. “Great sex?” 

“That’s...” Wanda trails off as she digests your words. “Why didn’t you tell him how you feel?” She asks. 

You look at her with wide eyes. “What do you mean why didn’t I tell him? Should we start with me overhearing him telling someone how much he fucked up or his rejection for dummies speech?” You laugh sarcastically. 

Wanda gives you apologetic eyes. “How can you be sure he was talking to the person on the phone about you?” You scrunch your nose up at her and she sighs. “Okay, whatever. At least now you know he doesn’t want a relationship! You can move on and find someone with a bigger dick.” 

“Wanda!” You can’t help but laugh. You give her an appreciative smile before letting out a sigh.  “I don’t know... I guess I just always thought we’d end up together. It’s stupid.”

You trace your finger around the base of your wine glass. Wanda watches you for a moment before flagging down a waitress. She looks at you with a twinkle in her eye. “Can I get a round of tequila shots, please?” She asks. 

The waitress nods before walking away. “We’re going to get you drunk and make you forget all about Bucky Barnes.” 

You laugh softly. “Yes please.” 

》

Four glasses of wine and two rounds of shots leaves you struggling to get the key into your apartment door’s lock. 

“Fuck.” You mutter when you push too hard and the keys clatter against the floor. You sigh deeply before bending down to pick them. You lay one palm flat against your door in an attempt to steady your shaky feet as the other reaches for your keys. 

Then you’re falling forward and your shoulder hits the floor harshly. “Jesus, sweetheart. I thought you were some weirdo trying to break in.” You groan as you look up and see Bucky staring down at you with furrowed brows. 

He’s wearing nothing but sweatpants, his metal arm and abs on full display for you. You give him a dopey smile. “Hey, handsome.” 

He laughs loudly. It’s bright and contagious and makes you giggle as he bends down to lift you to your feet. “Missed you tonight.” He says softly as he wraps his arm around your waist.

You allow yourself to rest your bodyweight on him, knowing he’s strong enough to lead you to your room. His soft words leave you feeling like you’re floating. It’s like the night before had never happened. 

“Missed you too.” You whisper. Your words are slurred, not that you can change that, but you know he understands them. He presses a kiss to your head in response as he leads you down the hall and into a room. 

The room is spinning around you, but you know it’s Bucky’s from the blank walls and dark furniture. Bucky sits you down on the edge of his bed and your fingers immediately grip his comforter tightly. “Why’d you bring me here?” Your grip is the only thing that keeps you from falling backwards onto his bed. 

You try to focus your eyes on him, but he’s moving around the room too fast. From what you think is his dresser then his closet. “I’ve got to make sure you don’t choke on your own vomit tonight.” 

“‘M not gonna get sick.” You mumble as he comes to a stop in front of you. He holds out a pile of clothes to you. “I have my own clothes in my own room.” You stare up at him defiantly. 

You can see Bucky push his tongue against the inside of his cheek, a tell that he was getting a little annoyed. “C’mon sweets. Just put the clothes on and get in bed.” 

He’s still holding the clothes out in front of you. His earlier rejection running through your mind. “I’m not having sex with you tonight.” You blurt out. You would have never said the words sober, but you didn’t want him to think it would become a recurring thing. 

Bucky laughs awkwardly and drops the clothes on the bed beside you. “I’m not trying to have sex with you. I’m trying to take care of you and make sure you don’t die in your sleep.” 

Your eyes narrow, but you feel far too dizzy to actually get up and move to your room to prove a point. You lift your arms and look up at Bucky, “Help?” 

He smiles victoriously and reaches for the hem of your shirt. You can see his eyes trail over your bralette and feel your cheeks warm, but you blame that on the alcohol. 

“Do you want to sleep in this?” He whispers as his fingers trail over one of the straps. You shiver as one of his cold fingers presses into your skin and leaves goosebumps in its wake. 

You bite down on your lip, but nod your head. “I’ll be fine in it.” 

He nods and you raise your arms again as he slips one of his black t-shirts onto you. It’s soft and smells like him leaving you warm all over and suddenly tired. Your head falls so your chin is resting against your chest. 

Bucky kneels down in front of you. “Is it okay if I take your jeans off? So I can put sweatpants on you?” He moves his head so you’re forced to make eye contact with him as his hands come to rest on your stomach. He fiddles with your jean’s button, but doesn’t move to actually undo it yet. 

You nod softly before falling backwards onto the bed. Bucky’s hands move quickly as he unbuttons and unzips your jeans. There’s a sharp inhale once he gets your jeans off, but you ignore it.  

“Sweetheart.” You lift your hips when you feel his sweatpants get stuck underneath you. “Thank you.” He says quietly.  

“What did you do tonight?” You mumble as you move around his bed to crawl under the comforter. You wait until he’s situated beside you before pulling the blanket up to cover the bottom half of your face. 

He pulls the blanket down and holds out a wipe. “You complain when I let you fall asleep with the makeup.” 

Your eyes flicker to his in brief shock, unaware of how much he actually listened to you. “Than...Thank you.” You begin to wipe it across your face. It’s not your normal routine, but it was better than nothing. “Tell me about your night.” 

Bucky moves so he’s sitting against his headboard. “I just waited for you all night.” He shrugs. 

You drop the wipe onto the side table. “Shut up. What did you really do?” You shove gently at his shoulder. Bucky’s hand wraps around your wrist and he pulls you into him. 

He’s stronger when you’re sober, so your drunk body falls into his side easily and you wrap an arm around his waist. “I’m telling you the truth, sweets. I just waited all night for you.” He presses a kiss to your temple. 

You look up from his chest to find him looking down at you with soft eyes. He’s being kind and you’re sure all that he can think of is how happy he is that your friendship hasn’t been ruined. 

But all you can think about is how no matter how soft he is with you, he still doesn’t want to be with you. No matter how much he says he loves you and misses you, it’s not the sam way you mean it. It leaves a crack in your heart that you’re unsure will ever be healed. 

》•

She’s pretty. You think bitterly as you watch from across the room. 

Bucky’s firm had a party every few months for donors. Bucky hated them. He always complained that schmoozing wasn’t his specialty, law was, so you were usually dragged along as his plus one to “Keep me from dying of boredom, please.” 

You usually didn’t mind. Bucky flirted for money, you got to enjoy to open bar to cope with his non-existent feelings for you. Tonight felt even worse. 

You force yourself to look away and look back down at the drink in front of you. You’re glad Wanda isn’t there to look at you with the same pity filled eyes that you had been getting since revealing the details of your hook up, but you wish you had someone to turn to. 

“You look great in that dress.” Your head whips up at the familiar voice. Steve is smiling at you sweetly and you can tell he’s keeping his eyes respectfully on yours. “Definitely your color.” 

You laugh. You and Steve weren’t particularly close, he was a childhood friend and you were college. The two of you really only spent time together in groups or with Bucky there. “Thank you, Mr. Rogers.” You tease. 

“Please.” He throws his head back in an over dramatic groan. “Steve! So many people have called me Mr. Rogers tonight I’m going to fall into an identity crisis.” 

You give him an ill-suppressed smile. “Thank you, Steve.” He sits down in the barstool next to you and waves the bartender over. 

“Water for me and…” He glances at the empty glass in front of you, “another glass of wine for her?” His voice ends in a question and he smiles brightly when you nod. 

“I could be wrong, but aren’t you supposed to be flirting with rich women to fund your pro bono cases?” You run a finger around the base of your glass. 

Steve’s eyes trail from your manicured nails up to your teasing smile. He swallows and forces out a soft laugh. “I’m not too good at the flirting that’s uh-.” He looks over his shoulder before looking back at you with kind eyes. 

You ignore his insinuation. Ignore the idea of Bucky and Steve feeling pity for you over Bucky. “Everyone deserves a break.” 

The man in front of you gives you a relieved smile. “And what better way to take a break than talk to a pretty girl?” 

You smile sweetly. “You could get 100k easily with that charm.” Steve throws his head back in a laugh and his arm lands on the back of your seat when he leans back in. 

You find yourself leaning in too. He’s got a nice laugh and sweet personality. You can feel the warmth radiating off of him and it’s relaxing. 

For a moment, Bucky is forgotten as Steve gives you all his attention, the first person to do so all night.

》•

Bucky stops to stand next to Sam as he takes a sip of his drink. His eyes scan over the party in search of you. 

“Good for Steve.” Sam says into his glass before taking a sip of his drink. Bucky’s eyes cut to him in question. Sam nods in front of him and Bucky’s eyes settle on you at the bar. With Steve. 

“What do you mean good for Steve?” Bucky asks. He can’t take his eyes off of you as Steve slides a glass of wine towards you. 

Sam shrugs nonchalantly. “He’s had a crush on her since that Halloween party last year.” 

Bucky’s mind drifts to you in your skin tight superhero costume. He wasn’t blind, he had seen the guys who had come up to you and their eyes that had trailed after you. 

“He hasn’t said anything to me.” He feels a surge of pride at the fact that he can’t explain when he thinks of how at the end of the night, you had come home alone with him, content to sit on the couch and watch horror movies. “He’s not her type.” He adds on after a moment of silence. 

Bucky isn’t too confident in his words though. Steve seemed to be the perfect kind of guy for you. Kind, funny, made good money, and was always the guy who listened with open ears. Bucky just couldn’t fathom you with anybody that… He doesn’t know, but he knows Steve doesn’t feel right.

Sam snorts. “Yeah. Try telling you about wanting to take her out? He’d rather live.” Bucky watches as Steve leans in closer to whisper something into your ear. 

He feels rage surge through him, but forces himself to stay in his spot. “Not like we’re dating. He could have told me if he wanted to. Or made a move.” He wasn’t sure why he felt so angry about you and Steve. It wasn’t like you two were dating, he hadn’t lied to Sam.

Sam looks at Bucky like he’s grown two heads. “Come on, Buck. Not dating? You call her all these nicknames, never let other people flirt with her, always take her home.” 

“We live together.” Bucky defends weakly. His mind drifts to kissing you while wine drunk. He shakes his head. “Of course I take her home.” 

Sam looks a little bemused as he asks, “Are you two seriously not dating?” 

“Of course not! She’s my best friend.” He glances at Sam before looking back over at Steve. You’re leaning in too. It’s not like he was lying, the two of you weren’t dating. But he had brought you as his date tonight and he’ll be damned if Steve weasels his way into your heart. 

“I was just cur-“ Bucky shoves his empty glass into Sam’s hand before beginning to make his way through the crowd towards you. 

He can vaguely hear Sam shout a goodbye, but all he can focus on is getting your attention onto him and off of Steve. 

》

You feel him before you see him. His hand trailing up your back before landing on the spot where your neck meets your shoulder. His grip isn’t tight, but it makes you shiver. 

“What’s going on here?” His voice is a possessive drawl and you look up at him with a confused smile. 

You sit up straighter and Steve immediately pulls away. His blue eyes follow Bucky’s arm to his face and they narrow. “Just keeping her company. Noticed you were busy, so…” Steve trails off with a shrug.

Bucky’s grip on you tightens. “Well, I’m here now. You can go back to schmoozing.” He nods his head in the direction of the party, but Steve doesn’t budge. 

You’re extremely confused by Bucky’s sudden possessiveness over your attention and turn to him with an annoyed glare. “Actually, Steve was telling me about how that’s your specialty. He’s far too sweet to mindlessly flirt. ” 

You feel Steve’s shocked gaze on you, because he had definitely not said that, but you don’t look away from Bucky. His glare melts into a sickly sweet smile as he turns to look at his childhood friend. “That so?” 

Part of you feels bad for pushing Steve into the middle of whatever this tension was between you and Bucky. But you can’t ignore the pleasure that rushes through you as Bucky’s grip tightens and his attention focuses solely on you for the first time all night. 

Steve looks back and forth between you two before he stands from his seat. “It was nice seeing you.” He leans down and presses a kiss to your cheek before slapping a hand against Bucky’s back. “See you later, punk.”

You swallow as Bucky moves to take Steve’s now unoccupied seat. He orders a drink and you can only watch in shock as moves around so casually. When he finally looks back at you he just looks confused by your silence. 

“What’s up?” He asks with a smile. 

You roll your eyes at him. “What was that?” You gesture in the direction Steve had gone before looking at him with wide eyes. 

Bucky looks down at his drink and shrugs. “Didn’t want anyone bothering you.” 

“Anyone bothering me? That was Steve!” You laugh incredulously. “I know Steve. You know Steve. He was keeping me company.” You can’t wrap your head around his random behavior. 

Bucky shakes his head like you’re the one who’s being confusing and acting weird. “You just looked a little uncomfortable. I came to your rescue.” He gulps down the rest of his drink. 

“My rescue?” You shake your head at him. “Buck, it was Steve. Steve Rogers is one of the most polite men in New York.” 

Bucky shakes his head. “He likes you. Sam said he was definitely trying to make a move on you.” He immediately feels bad for blurting out Steve’s secret, but he just can’t let it go. 

You scrunch your face up in confusion before letting out a breath. “That’s not your secret to tell.” You grab your clutch and stand up quickly. “Why would that even matter anyways?” You look down at him now, he’s still sitting on the barstool. He won’t look up at you.

“Can we just go home?” He asks quietly as he taps his fingers against the bar counter. You bite down on your lip before finally nodding. “Fine.” He lets out a sigh before standing to follow you. 

You’re shocked when you feel his fingers slip in between yours as the two of you walk towards the elevators. Holding hands with Bucky wasn’t new, per say, you’d done it at bars to get out of creepy guys flirting with you, amusement parks so as to not lose one another, but this… This felt different, softer and more insecure. 

You swallow before squeezing his hand in return. You hear the relieved breath he lets out as the two of you stop in front of the closed elevator doors. 

He whispers your name with a tug of your hand. You turn to look at him as the two of you step into the empty elevator. “I didn’t… I didn’t mean to screw things up with Steve. I just… I don’t know.” 

Your heart breaks a little. You weren’t sure what you expected. Maybe an admission of jealousy, that Bucky realized he didn't want you with Steve or any other guy, he wanted you with him. But the words never came and you feel stupid for letting your hopes get the best of you.

You shrug. “It’s fine, Buck.” The elevator is slow in its descent. You almost groan when you see how high you are and the fifteen floors left to go down. “I don’t like Steve… I just… It was nice to have some company. You were busy all night.” 

You try to hide the emotion in your voice, but Bucky can hear it. He can see it too, written on your face as you try to keep your eyes on the descending numbers. 

Your words cause a wave of relief to crash over him. You didn’t like Steve. You didn’t like Steve. He felt bad for his friend, but not bad enough to stop his next move.

He tugs at your hand again. The elevator is almost all the way down if you could just ignore him for a few more seconds-

His lips are on yours before you even have a chance to think about why he’s pulling you towards him. You’re still with shock, your hands clasped between you two, as Bucky kisses you. 

You don’t kiss back, too stunned to. Bucky pulls back when the elevator finally dings and you try to rush out only to be stopped when you realize you’re still attached to Bucky’s hand. 

“What the fuck was that?” You hiss. “You can’t just… Just flip out about Steve flirting, tell me you’re not jealous and then kiss me!” You yell.

Bucky swallows thickly and glances around the empty lobby. “I… It…”

You stare at him with lifted brows waiting for an explanation. “You need to figure your shit out, Buck. I said I was fine if you wanted it to be a one time thing but I’m not here for you to yank around.” 

“I’m not trying to yank you around!” Bucky defends. “I just… What if it wasn’t just a one time thing?” He asks quietly, his voice almost a whisper. 

You want to cry. “Wh...What?” You ask with a shake of your head. 

“I feel like such a dick.” He admits taking a hesitant step closer to you. When you don’t move away, he places a hand on your cheek. “Stuff with work has been so stressful lately and… and I never have the time or energy to do anything. The other night, with you, was the most relaxed I’ve been in a while.” 

“What are you saying?” 

“I’ve been thinking of us helping each other out.” 

“Like a friends with benefits thing?” You blurt out when you realize where he was going with this. 

He nods. “I just… Got to thinking after you left that morning. It was great sex, best I’ve had in a while.” You swallow and your eyes dart away a little embarrassed. “And I know you and don’t have to worry about you giving me some disease. We live together and we wouldn’t have to go out or wait for some random hook up.” 

You can’t really wrap your head around his words. “But you don’t want… You don’t want to have a relationship?” 

“You know me.” He laughs tensely. “Not a relationship guy. I love you, you’re my best friend, but-“

“That’s good.” Your blurt, already regretting the words. “I mean, I love you, you’re my best friend too, you know? Neither of us really have time for one anyways and… Life is stressful.” 

“You… You want to? Do the benefits thing?” Bucky looks like he can’t believe that you’re agreeing. Quite honestly, you can’t really believe the words coming out of your mouth either. 

Because you liked Bucky. You had for so long now it felt like it was a piece of you. You were sure you loved him. You were sure he didn’t feel the same way and this… This was a way to be with him, no matter how fucked up it may be. 

And life was stressful. A full time job with New York City rent and bills. You hated going out. You hate hook ups, they always left you disgruntled and disappointed. Bucky had… Bucky had been good. The best, probably. And it would be nice to have someone other than yourself every once in a while. 

“Yeah.” You whisper. “I… I want to. I’m kind of sick of my hand.” 

Bucky snorts then laughs and it immediately calms you down. He was still your Bucky. Just with the added bonus of sex. “Me too, sweets.” 

He presses a kiss to your forehead and pulls you into a hug. You suck in a deep breath. “I think you said something about going home.” You mumble into his suit jacket. 

“Yeah.” He whispers back, tilting your chin up to look up. He smirks down at you. “I did.” 

》

“Fuck. Fuck.” You moan as Bucky kisses down your chest. “Please, Buck.” You whimper when his right hand comes up and begins to play with your nipple. 

He doesn’t respond, his tongue flicking over your other nipple. You’re arching your back into him, it feels good, but you want more. His left hand is settled on your hip and you want it on you in a different way. 

You groan when he pulls away to look at you. “What do you want, sweetheart? You gotta tell me or I won’t be able to give it to you.” His tone is sweet, but he’s looking at you with blown pupils and a cocky smile. 

“Your fingers, Buck, please.” You try to lift your hips up a little, but his left hand keeps you pressed against his mattress. You look at him pleadingly when he still doesn’t move. “Please, James.” You murmur. 

You didn’t call him by his first name often, he had introduced himself as Bucky and you hadn’t even learned it until a few months later. Sometimes you pulled it out to tease him, but tonight… You wanted to see if it would push him. 

“Fuck.” He mutters, leaning over you and beginning to press a line of kisses down your stomach all the way to your pelvic bone. “Fuck, that’s hot. Say it again.” 

You throw your head back in a moan when his hand begins to rub you through your panties. “James. I need you to-“ 

“Gonna give you more than my fingers, sweets.” He hooks fingers in the waistband of your panties and yanks them down. “Finally gonna get a taste of you, if that’s okay.” He glances at you and you nod hastily.

“God. Yes, please.” Your eyes flutter shut as his hands force your thighs open. His grip on you is tight and harsh and makes your entire body tingle. 

“So pretty.” He murmurs just watching you. If you weren’t so turned on you would be embarrassed by his stare, but his words just make you even more desperate for him. He settles on his stomach, head between your thighs. He begins to bite and kiss his way up your inner thigh. “Been thinking about this since you let me fuck you, sweetheart.” He admits in a murmur before finally putting his mouth on you. “Thinking about how you taste.”

“Oh shit.” You moan, a combination of the pleasure of his tongue and his words giving you butterflies. “Yes. Fuck.” 

“Knew you’d taste good.” He moans, the words go straight to your core and he knows it. He knows what he’s doing. His hands gripping at your hips tightly, thumbs rubbing calming circles into your skin. He flicks his tongue over your sensitive spot and your back arches. “So good.” You murmur breathily. Your hands are clutching the bed sheets as you try to grind your hips up. 

Bucky pulls one hand away, it gives you a little more freedom to move but not much, and begins to tease you with a finger. 

“Yes. Please, your fingers.” You beg him. Bucky chuckles against you, sending hot breath and a small vibration straight to your core. It feels good, he’s good. 

He pulls away slightly and you whine. “Come on, sweets.” He urges, pushing his finger into you. You moan at the feeling. “What happened to calling me James? Said I liked it.” He adds another, your slick heat allowing them easily.

“James.” You look down at him with blown pupils. Bucky almost comes right there, his fingers inside of you, your chest heaving and you looking at him like that. “James. Please. Want your mouth on me again.” 

Now that you’ve started saying his name, it’s like you can’t stop. The name tumbles out of your mouth like a prayer. He rewards you for it though, his mouth is back on you, licking over you steadily, and you can feel the tension in your stomach the closer and closer you get. 

“So good.” Bucky murmurs into your skin. You moan out again. “Gonna come for me, sweetheart?” He pulls away to ask, his breath fanning across your skin. Your hips buck up towards him in desperation and Bucky groans. “Come on, sweets. Can you come for me? Please.” 

He curves his fingers and flicks his tongue over your already sensitive bud again and your back arches. “Fuck. Fuck.” You moan as your orgasm washes over you. Bucky works you through it and your legs are shaking by the time he pulls his mouth away to smile cheekily at you. 

“I like it when you call me James.” He whispers as he crawls up towards you. You roll you eyes with a tired smile. He fingers trace circles over you stomach. “You tired?”

You nod your head. Your eyes trail over his body, his hard dick making an obvious tent in his briefs. You smirk at him, your hand moving to trail down from his stomach to his dick. Bucky moans as your hand grips him. 

“Still want you to fuck me though.”

》•

Bucky thinks maybe the two of you should establish some ground rules. No dates, if you sleep with somebody else let the other know, use protection, don’t fall asleep together. 

But he can’t imagine the two of you not having your regular Sunday breakfasts together after his runs or forcing you out of his room when the two of you had shared beds long before this ever happened. 

So, he ignores it. He decides to enjoy your warmth in his bed and assumes you’re not seeing anybody else. It’s good. It works, even if his friends think he’s being an idiot. 

Steve is on one side while Sam is on his other and they’ve both been standing in silence now that Bucky has finished explaining what happened when the two of you left the party.

He feels bad when he sees Sam’s eyes flicker to Steve in confusion, but Steve’s face holds more pity than annoyance. It makes Bucky feel uncomfortable in his spot as he takes a sip of water.

“I don’t understand why you’re not calling her your girlfriend.” Steve finally says. 

Bucky rolls his shoulders with an annoyed sigh. “I just said. We’re both busy with work and friends, there’s no time for relationships. This works for the both of us. We don’t have to rely on shitty hookups and we trust each other.” 

Steve gives Bucky a look that screams you’re an idiot while Sam just laughs loudly. “You have to know how ridiculous that sounds, dude.” Sam slaps a hand against Bucky’s back. “You guys live together. You have all the time in the world to actually date each other. I thought you guys were dating each other with how you act. you’re having sex now and you still won’t call her your girlfriend?” He asks incredulously. 

“I...I don’t want a relationship. It leads to marriage and kids and fights.” Bucky shudders. “No thanks. This way I get great sex and my best friend.”

Steve sighs heavily. “She deserves better than that, Buck. You know that.” His voice is full of disappointment. The same tone Bucky has been getting for years when it came to his relationships. 

“Like you?” His tone is defensive and his words are meaner than they should be. Bucky knows all Steve wants is for his friends to be happy. “She’s a grown woman. She can decide who she wants to have sex with.” 

“Come on, Buck. You’re not an idiot. She’s had a crush on you for years.” Steve lets out an exasperated sigh. “This is a great way to drive her away and lose her for good.” 

“I’m not-”

“All,” Steve raises his voice to cut Bucky off, “I’m saying is she’ll figure out this isn’t what she wants and find someone who can give it to her. Then you’ll be left in the dust realizing what an idiot you were for letting your irrational fears talk you out of being with her.”

Bucky runs his tongue over his lips. “Who? Are you gonna steal her?” 

Steve rolls his eyes. “Will it be stealing when you’re the one who drives her away?”

》

His bed is empty when you wake up, but that’s no surprise, you knew Bucky ran Sunday mornings with the guys. You almost expect to feel more shame or pain over falling into this friends with benefits thing. But, you feel okay. Bucky was still your best friend. Just with mind-blowing sex. He didn’t kick you out at night and didn’t seem put off by you. 

Your phone vibrates somewhere in his room from the inside of your clutch. You groan and finally move to sit up. Bucky has picked your things up and folded everything into a neat pile on the top of his dresser. Your clutch is sitting on the top of the pile and you can see the vibrations of your phone shaking it slightly. 

You pick his shirt up from the floor and slide it on before reaching for your underwear underneath the clutch. 

When you pull your phone out you see a few missed calls from Wanda, one last night the one you’ve just missed. You crawl into Bucky’s bed again and call her back. 

“Hey!” You smile at Wanda’s voice. “I called you last night, but I forgot you had that lawyer thing.” You can imagine her nose scrunching up in disgust at the idea. 

You mess with a loose thread on the comforter. “Yeah. Buck dragged me along.” There’s silence on the other end. You sigh heavily. “Shit. Wanda. You’ll never guess what I did last night.” 

Your eyes take in the room. Bucky doesn’t have many decorations or knick knacks, but he has a couple pictures sitting on his nightstand. You move to his side of the bed and pick one of them up. 

“You go home together?” Wanda doesn’t need to guess, there’s a twinge of disappointment in her voice but all you can focus on is the sadness you hear. Like she’s just hurting for you at this point. 

You stare down at the photo in your hand. It’s from Bucky’s last birthday. “We live together.” You defect. The photo is the two of you sitting at your kitchen counter with two glasses of wine in front of you. The wine is red and you can faintly see it staining both of your lips. His arm is wrapped loosely around your waist and you’re pressing a kiss his cheek. The photo makes your heart ache. “You sleep in your room?” Wanda laughs. You drop the photo on the bed in front of you. “You’ve gotta tell him. Tell him how you feel, really.” She urges you. 

You’re shaking your head even though she can’t see you. “It’ll ruin everything.” You say quietly. Losing him would be worse than loving him like this. “We... We agreed on a benefits thing last night. I think it can work.” 

“That’s a great way to get hurt.” Wanda says. You glance at the other picture he has sitting on his nightstand. 

It’s a photo of him and Steve. The two of them are children standing with hands wrapped tightly around the straps of their backpacks and they’ve got bright smiles on their faces. You smile at the sight, both boys happy, carefree and full of life.

Bucky’s left arm is still flesh in the photograph. He doesn’t talk about the accident much, he had come out with one arm and a completely changed person. Sometimes you wonder if things would be different if it had never happened.

You hear the front door slam shut. “I’ve gotta go! I’ll talk to you later.” You hang up before Wanda can say anything else. You leave the picture frame sitting in the bed, moving quickly from Bucky’s room to your own. 

》•

Bucky’s bedroom door is open when he gets home, but you’re nowhere to be found. Your clothes still sit on his dresser and there’s a picture frame partially covered by his comforter that makes Bucky pause.

It’s his favorite picture of you two, wine stained lips and happiness radiating off of you. He wonders what had made you grab it and what had made you drop it. Steve’s words come to mind she’s had a crush on you for years. 

Bucky wasn’t an idiot. He had seen the nervous smiles and bright eyes in college, he had done everything he could to stay just friends with you and it had seemed to work. You had moved on. Boyfriends and flings had come and gone, your eyes had shifted into a caring stare and you stopped nervously fidgeting with your hands around him, so Bucky had assumed your crush went away. Even now there was nothing that really stood out as you liking him. It sounded like Steve was making assumptions to mess with Bucky’s head. And it was working.

He stares at the picture for another moment before placing it back on his nightstand. Bucky wasn’t afraid of relationships, Steve was wrong, he just hated how they ended. He wasn’t afraid of holding hands or expensive dates, he was afraid of the unavoidable hurt and falling out of love that would cause him to lose you.

He couldn’t lose you.

“Bucky?” Your voice jolts him from his thoughts and his head turns from the photo to you, standing in his doorway in nothing but his t-shirt and a pair shorts. “What should we order for lunch?”

Bucky lets out a deep breath before smiling up at you. “We should get some wraps from that cafe down the block.”

“That sounds good.” You smile. Your eyes move over him and Bucky has to look away. You’ve always been good at studying him and knowing if something was up. “Everything okay?”

Bucky shakes his head. “I’m just thinking.” He offers a tense smile that makes you step further into his room. Bucky’s eyes move from your bare feet up your legs to your face that’s watching him with concerned eyes.

“That can’t be good.” You tease as you take a seat next to him. You rest your head against his shoulder and Bucky feels a little calmer with you next to him. “What’s got you spacing out like that, Buck?” You ask gently.

“You’re not…” Bucky swallows thickly and looks down at his lap. “You’re not gonna leave me, right? This isn’t gonna fuck us up?”

He feels you tense against his side and begins to panic until your hand intwines with his. “Not if we promise not to let it fuck us up. You’re my best friend, Buck. I don’t wanna lose you either.”

“I promise.” Bucky squeezes your hand. “Do you?”

You squeeze his hand in return, but don’t say anything. Bucky takes the action as promise enough.

》•

Days turn into weeks which turn into months and suddenly it’s November, fall in New York becoming winter much sooner than expected. The cold bites at your cheeks and seeps into your bones. Bucky becomes your warmth despite the constant ache in your heart at what you really are to him. 

Bucky comes into your room or you sneak into his. You ignore the looks from your friends when you all go out and don’t heed to any of Wanda’s advice.

The lines are blurred to you, because it feels like you’re in a relationship. It’s almost like you’ve fallen into one naturally. It’s not just secret sex in the middle of the night. It’s all your normal things, reading together on Sundays and watching your favorite show together Saturday nights. Only now it’s started to include footsie and make-out sessions.

There are some nights the two of you go out, whether it to be to dinner or to see a new movie, and they feel like dates. Bucky never lets you pay and holds your hand in the theater.

You almost want to ask him Why. Why aren’t we official? Why can’t you call me your girlfriend? But you’re far too afraid. For every small gesture that feels like love, there are nights out with your friends where Bucky ignores your existence or awkward introductions to coworkers you run into at the movie theater. 

Life moves on though. Day by day. Even if feels like you’re on a train moving full steam ahead towards a wall and impact is inevitable. 

It’s nice to have a taste of what it could be like to have him. 

》•

It blows up on a Thursday night, at eight thirty-two pm, to be exact. 

Bucky didn’t feel like cooking, he was relieved when you had suggested going out to grab dinner, but now he just wishes the two of you had stayed home.

There’s a tense and awkward silence as the two of you walk home. You’re about ten feet in front of him and not talking at all, it honestly looks more like he’s some creep following you home at this point. If he weren’t so upset he would probably laugh at the scene. 

If Bucky had just kept his mouth shut.

“Oh my god.” You groan, slouching down in your seat and covering your face with your hands. “Fuck.”

Bucky looks between you and the entrance of the restaurant confused by your sudden annoyance. “What’s wrong?” He asks leaning towards you.

“I went to high school with that girl.” You whisper. “We were friends until I stole her boyfriend.” You roll your eyes.

Bucky chokes on his drink mid-sip. “You stole her boyfriend? Right on! I didn’t know you had that in you.” He laughs, completely shocked by the idea of a you in high school who steals guys when all he’s ever known is the sweet, loyal girl.

“I didn’t actually steal her boyfriend!” You hiss. Bucky notices the girl do a double take when her eyes catch on you. “He broke up with her and asked me to prom two weeks later so she assumed I stole him. She hated me and made the last few months of senior year absolute shit for me.” You explain slipping further into your seat before taking a heavy sip of wine.

“Incoming.” He chuckles as she makes a beeline for your table. You sit up ramrod straight when her hand lands on your shoulder and your name comes out in a fake giggle.

“Eliza.” Your smile is equally as fake as you stand up to offer her a quick hug. “How are you?” Bucky watches with amused eyes as Eliza launches into a story about her boyfriend, who’s watching the scene with bored eyes from across the restaurant.

He smiles awkwardly when the two of you turn to face him. “This is my boyfriend, Bucky.” You smile tightly at the woman and Bucky watches uncomfortably as she trails her eyes over him. “Really?” Eliza asks.

“Just friends, actually.” Bucky can’t stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth with an awkward laugh.

Your eyes narrow at him before they flicker away. Bucky watches in what feels like slow motion as your shoulders hunch in and you close yourself off, absolutely embarrassed as Eliza turns to you with a proud smirk. “Is that right?” Her tone is nasty and Bucky is filled with regret immediately, but there’s nothing he can do because you’re grabbing your purse and jacket and storming away.

Eliza smiles at him. “She’s always been one for the dramatics.” Bucky shakes his head as he pulls out some bills and leaves them on the table, moving the chase after you. “Thanks.” He says to the woman sarcastically as he pushes past her.

That had lead him here, trailing after you silently, as you fume from a distance. “Sweetheart, come on.” Bucky pleads. The words make you freeze and spin around to face him. 

Bucky stumbles backwards as you walk towards him with fury in your eyes and your finger pointed at him accusingly. “Don’t call me that.” 

“I’ve always called you sweetheart,” Bucky frowns. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I just-”

“You didn’t embarrass me, James.” Bucky flinches as you spit out his first name like it’s poison. “You humiliated me. Was it really that big a deal? That I introduced you as my boyfriend? Does the idea of dating me disgust you that much?” 

Bucky throws his hands out in front of him in a defensive gesture. “No! I just... We’re not dating. You know that!” He shakes his head. “I mean, dating you doesn’t disgust me... I just... You know?” 

You raise your eyebrows at him. “No. I don’t know.” You say coldly. “It’s not like we’re not dating. You have to see that.” 

“See what?” Bucky asks, completely exasperated. “We do everything we used to do and sometimes have sex.” 

“Oh my god!” Your laugh sounds manic as you pause and look up at the sky like you’re searching for an answer. “Have you ever thought that maybe we weren’t ever just friends, Bucky? That we didn’t act like normal best friends do?” You cross your arms and look back at him. 

Yes. Bucky thinks immediately. “No!” He swallows. “I’ve always seen you as my best friend! Never... Never...” He’s dug himself a deeper and deeper hole every time he’s opened his mouth, but this is the nail in his coffin. He says your name gently, but you’re already backing away, hurt all over your face. 

“I guess I read everything wrong then.” You say quietly. “These stupid dates and us falling asleep together at night. All the holding hands and cuddling, right?” Your voice is filled with wet emotion and Bucky is sure if it wasn’t so dark outside he would see tears brimming your eyes. “You do that with all your friends. I mean nothing.”

“That’s not what I said!” Bucky exclaims. “You know you’re one of the most important women in my life. Please. Don’t do this.” He pleads. 

“I’m done. Okay? This stupid benefits thing? These friend dates, Sunday mornings together, movies? Done with all of it.” You hiss. You suck in a deep breath, like you’re preparing to deliver the final blow. Bucky braces himself. “You wanna be just friends? I’ll do you one better, we can be just roommates. That way there’s no confusion.”

Bucky can only stand still, watching as you walk away. 

》

Wanda has a kind enough heart to not say I told you so, when you show on her doorstep with mascara running down your cheeks. She just pulls you inside by your arm and wraps her softest blanket around your shoulders. 

“What happened?” She places a cup of tea on her coffee table in front of you. You can vaguely hear Vision trying to move around in the kitchen as quietly as possible. There’s an unspoken question that lingers in the air. What did Bucky do?

You sniffle. “We ran into Eliza tonight.” Wanda’s eyes widen and you nod. “I… I introduced Bucky as my boyfriend. It just slipped out, but he totally panicked and corrected me right to her face. I was so humiliated, I bolted.”

Wanda takes the seat beside you on the couch. “That’s awful. I can’t believe that idiot,” she hisses the word, “couldn’t put aside his dumb fears for five seconds and just have your back.”

You rub your eyes harshly. “That’s not the worst part of the night. I think the worst part was when he reiterated we were just friends and that he’s never seen me as anything more than that.” 

Wanda’s mouth drops open in shock and you can even hear Vision murmur something along the lines of oh shit in the kitchen. 

“Good way to get hurt, huh?” You reiterate Wanda’s words from weeks ago and her face falls into a look a pity. “I’m so stupid. Why did I even agree to doing benefits with him?”

“We all do dumb things when we love someone.” She says soothingly as she rubs her hand across your back. “I know this hurts, but look at the silver lining. Now you can move on, for real. Bucky’s made his intentions clear and you can find someone better.” 

You look at her sadly. “What if there isn’t someone better?” You almost choke on your own breath as you talk through your tears. “What if no one makes me feel that way?”

Wanda shakes her head and reaches up to grip your chin between her fingertips. It forces you to look into her blazing eyes. “Bucky’s nothing more than a man with commitment issues. We’re in New York City, there are millions of them. And for every Bucky, there’s a…a…”

“Vision.” You offer up with a teasing smile. Wanda blushes, but nods. “There’s a Vision. And yours is out there, he was just waiting for Bucky to fuck up.” 

You let out a choke laugh. “Yeah…” You trail off. “Can I crash here? I don’t think I can-“

“-Of course.” Wanda cuts you off. “For as long as you need.”

》

Bucky doesn’t even want to go inside. He just stands outside his apartment door staring blankly at the lock. It doesn’t feel like home without you there. 

You haven’t been home in three days and if it weren’t for your instagram stories with Wanda and Vision, Bucky would think you were dead.

You haven’t reached out at all, he isn’t sure if you had come by the apartment to grab personal things and when he had asked the guys if they had heard from you, Steve had just given him an I told you this would happen lecture. 

Bucky feels like a fucking idiot. Bucky is a fucking idiot. He shoves his key into the lock with a sigh. 

“Bucky?” A voice calls out. It makes him freeze in the doorway. It’s your voice. He’s sure it is. Nobody else had a key to the apartment. You pop out of the kitchen with a smile. “It is you!”

Your demeanor has done a complete flip. There’s no harsh stare or fiery eyes, just smiles. It leaves his head spinning. For the past three days he’s been trying to figure out how to make things better and you’re…fine? 

“He…hey.” He pushes the word out. “Um. What are you doing here?” 

Your brows furrow. “I live here?” You laugh softly before turning back into the kitchen. Bucky follows you dumbly, completely awestruck by your sudden reappearance. 

“I thought… I thought you were mad at me?” He asks hesitantly. 

“I was. Now I’m not.” You shrug. You move around the kitchen easily, putting groceries away that Bucky hadn’t even noticed with his entire focus on you. 

He moves towards you. “Sweetheart-“

You interrupt him with your name and suddenly the fire is back in your eyes. Oh. This isn’t Bucky’s best friend coming back into his life. 

It’s his roommate coming back home. 

Just like you had promised. 

》•

Bucky tries to catch you some days. He’ll tilt his head in an attempt to force your eyes to meet his while you talk about nothing after he gets home from work. 

You always avoid them, terrified one look into the blue you’ve loved for so long and you’ll crumble at his feet. You chatter about nothing important, the weather outside and your neighbor upstairs who always stomps around at four in the morning. 

Bucky always listens intently and you begin to feel a little guilty for cutting him out completely. You just needed some time to get over him, then one day you could come home and watch Law and Order with him again and cook dinner together. 

But for now, you pretend he’s nothing more than a roommate and like you’re not desperately in love with him. 

It’ll work. It has to work. 

》

Your name is like honey coming from Steve’s lips. He’s got a kind smile on his face as he hands over your coffee. He had slipped behind you in line at the coffee shop with a sheepish hello.

“You didn’t have to do that.” You say softly as you take it from him. “I can pay for my own coffee.” You can see the ingredients scribbled onto the side of his paper cup and it makes you smile into your sip.

Steve Rogers had a sweet tooth. 

“Day off? Or just a break?” You hold the coffee shop door open for him to follow you out onto the street. Steve gives you a thankful smile. 

“Break. I’m heading back to the office now.” He takes a sip of his drink. There were two weeks left of November and the streets of New York were doing their annual flip. Christmas lights going up too early and gloomy skies overhead.

You walk beside him, one hand shoved into your pocket. “Mind if I walk with you? I’m off today and I am so bored just sitting around the apartment.” 

“Not at all!” Steve answers quickly. There’s a slight flush on his cheeks that you attribute to the wind nipping at both your cheeks. “I could use the company of someone other than corporate lawyers.” 

You laugh at his dramatic eye roll. “You know most of your friends work at that firm.” Steve gives you an unapologetic smile. “Two friends and I can admit they can both be dicks sometimes.” 

He looks at you like he knows something and you swallow, turning to look straight ahead of you. “I disagree.” You finally say after a moment. He looks down at you with furrowed eyebrows. “Sam is always a sweetheart.”

That startles a laugh out of Steve, who looks at you with a shine in his eyes. He shakes his head and looks down at the sidewalk in front of him. “You okay? I know that-“ 

“-I’m fine.” You cut him off. You look up at him with a half smile. “And we don’t have to talk about it. In fact, let’s not.” You force out a laugh and Steve nods slowly.

You end up walking the rest of the way in a comfortable silence. Steve has a reassuring presence, something you don’t think you’ve ever even realized until now. Warmth radiates off of his body and his eyes give everything he feels away. Steve is a good apple. At least that’s what your grandmother would say if she had met him.

“This is me.” Steve says softly as he slows to a stop outside the corporate building. If you look around you’ll notice every building near by looks almost exactly the same. “Thanks for walking with me.” He says softly with a nervous smile.

You smile back. “Thanks for buying me coffee.” You hold it up towards him as if to show him. “And for letting me tag along.”

Steve shakes his head. You’re sure he has to get back to work soon, you know their days are usually full and small breaks like this were just that - small. “You don’t have to thank me. I… I like hanging out with you. You’re cool.” He scrunches his nose up when he realizes what he’s just said but you giggle.

“Cool?” You ask with a teasing smile. Steve looks down at his feet with red dusting his cheeks. “I think you’re cool too.” The words are soft as you nudge his boot clad foot with yours.

Steve looks up with bright eyes. “Yeah?” You nod and he smiles to himself. “We should… We should hang out more.” He suggests hesitantly.

Your eyes widen as you look at him. Steve looks about two seconds away from being sick with nerves and it’s sweet. Completely and utterly tooth rottingly sweet that someone is this nervous around you. Your heart picks up at him wanting to hang out more.

“Like dates?” You question quietly. Steve turns a bright shade of right and you’re reminded of Bucky blurting his secret out weeks ago. “I would like that.” You don’t give him a chance to respond to your first question.

He smiles so bright that you’re blinded by it. “Yeah?” You nod with a small smile. “Yeah. Now go back to work!” You shove his shoulder lightly which makes him laugh. “You have my number.”

He’s nodding happily as he backs away. “I do! I’ll text you?”

“Please!” You laugh as he pushes through the glass doors backwards, almost running over a women. He smiles awkwardly at her before facing you once again. You wave as he disappears into the crowd of people. 

When he’s out of sight you let out a sigh. He was kind and incredibly endearing. Steve was a man every woman would be lucky to date. Why did you feel so guilty for flirting then? 

You know why. 

You ignore it.

》

Bucky watches with pursed lips from his spot by the front desk as you and Steve chat outside. He tries his best to read lips, but your both standing at an angle that makes it near impossible.

“You’re not creepy at all.” The voice makes him jump and he turns to look at Sam, leaning against the opposite side of the reception desk. Martha, the woman who runs the desk, looks between them in amusement. “Steve is some kind of psychic, huh?” He snorts.

Bucky turns his glare onto Sam. “It’s not my fault they’re out there for everyone to see.” He snaps before turning his eyes back on the scene in front of him.

Sam laughs loudly and Bucky watches his Steve embarrasses himself by running into a girl leaving the building. He would feel better about it, if he couldn’t see you smiling brightly at the man.

Bucky loves Steve, but he wants nothing more than to punch him in the face for not staying away from you. Even though Bucky is fully aware you’re both adults with minds of you own, he had never imagined Steve would actually sweep you off your feet.

When Steve makes his way towards Sam and Bucky, Sam has got a cheesy smile on his face and Bucky can do nothing but glare. “Got myself a date, boys.” He smacks a hand against Bucky’s back.

“It’s like… She was run right into my arms.” He smirks before making his way towards the elevator. Sam follows behind Steve with another loud laugh.

Bucky is left standing in the lobby alone. He watches your form retreat across the street and sighs. He had made a mess of things, huh?

》

You can’t get the dress to zip up all the way. You’ve tried a multitude of angles, from pulling the dress up and trying to reach it over your shoulder to almost breaking your arm at an awkward angle.

You sigh in defeat as you stand in front of your mirror. You can hear Bucky in his room across the hall, music playing a little too loud and his footsteps around the room. He’s got his cleaning playlist on, it forces a small smile to appear on your face.

You suck in a deep breath. Roommates helped each other with zippers. It was normal, Bucky could help you with a zipper.

“Bucky.” You knock softly on his door. There’s no answer, he probably can’t hear anything over the music. You knock harder. “Bucky?” The music stops and you suck in a nervous breath.

His door flies open and his eyes widen when he sees you standing in the half zipped dress. His eyes narrow. “What’s up?”

Your fingers fidget in front of your stomach as you look at him nervously. “Can you… Can you help me zip the rest of the way? I just can’t get it.” You admit sheepishly.

Bucky nods. “Turn around.” He orders softly and you do as he says. His fingers find the zipper stuck halfway up your back and your breath hitches. You think you hear his do the same as he begins to pull it up slowly.

It’s a tense silence as his hands rest on your back for a second too long. When he drops them back to his side, you turn to look at him. He shuts his eyes tightly and sighs. “Listen. About what happened-“

There’s a knock at your door that makes you step away. You look at Bucky apologetically. “I’m sorry. I’ve got to go.” You take a few stumbling steps away.

You feel his eyes on you as you move through the apartment and collect your purse and jacket. When you open the door, Steve is standing there with flowers and it makes you pause.

Bucky’s bedroom door slams shut when you pull the flowers into your own hand. His music starts playing again as you get them into water. You and Steve smile awkwardly at each other.

When Steve’s hand lands on your lower back to guide you out of the building, all you can think is Bucky’s hands there earlier, warmer and somehow softer, you try to ignore how wrong it feels.

You were moving on. It would get better.

》•

Bucky’s pathetic. That much he knows. Four drinks in and he’s missing you desperately. All he can think about is Steve’s hand on your back and how you look in that red dress.

Did you know it was Steve’s favorite color? Is that why you had worn it? He had seen the black lace of your bra underneath when zipping the dress for you, had you worn that on purpose too? 

He feels like he’s hit rock bottom. Like it can’t get worse than this. His best friend on a date with his other best friend who he wasn’t talking to anymore because he wanted a friends with benefits thing. 

I had other friends, he thinks. Friends who I could stand to lose. Why did I want her? Why did I do that?

Annoyingly enough, Steve’s voice is what answers him. You’re in love with her. The words make Bucky jolt up in his seat because, well, he’s never thought that before. He’s always known he loved you in a platonic sense and that he cared for you deeply, but being in love with you?

That can’t be it. Bucky didn’t really do being in love. He’s seen what that does to people. He saw what it did to his mother, heartbroken and left with two kids to raise on her own. He’s seen what heartbreak has done to Becca, who used to lock herself away in her room and spend hours crying over boys who weren’t worth it.

He snorts to himself, taking another sip of his drink. They say you can only go up from from rock bottom. Bucky thinks he’s got some kind of special ability to go lower though as he stares at his phone. 

He wants to text you and beg you to come home. He calls his mom instead. “Ma?” He asks quietly when she picks the phone up. “It’s Bucky.”

“I have caller ID. I know.” She lets out a laugh. “What’s up? You sound upset, my love.” She asks gently.

“I fucked up, Ma.” Bucky admits after a moment of silence. “I…” 

“What’s wrong? What happened?” She sounds panicked and Bucky immediately feels bad for worrying her. 

“No I mean, like, with Y/N. I fucked up with her.” He explains. His mother inhales sharply at the sound of his best friends name.

“What happened?” She asks softly, almost knowingly.

“We… I… I’m not meant for relationships? You know? Love? It always ends bad so I told her we could just be friends with some benefits.” He feels a little embarrassed sharing this with his mother, but he doesn’t have anybody else to turn to. “And I fucked it up. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.” Bucky can admit that he blurred the lines. That he didn’t treat you like just a friend, but when had he ever? You’d always been a little closer than normal friends. 

“Oh Bucky.” His mother murmurs, her tone isn’t disappointed, just sad. “I’m so sorry your father did this to you.” Bucky rubs a hand over his face. “Ma-“ 

“-No, Bucky. I’m sorry you didn’t get to see the value of romantic love. Of love that keeps you warm and love that makes your heart race.” She says quietly. 

“It always ends in heartbreak. I don’t need it.” He says defensively. It’s silent, Bucky listens to his mom breathe before finally whispering, “What if I’m like him? What if I ruin her life?” 

“Oh sweetheart, you’re nothing like him.” Her voice cracks. “You’re good. You’re a good man. You’re empathetic. You care deeply. You don’t have to be afraid of ending up like him, you’ve already proven you won’t.” 

“Doesn’t feel like that.” Bucky lets out a short laugh. “Feels like I already am.” 

“James Buchanan Barnes. I am not going to sit here and listen to you talk about yourself like this. You’re not like him because you see what you’ve done wrong. Because you feel remorse.” She says heatedly. “Your father never felt bad for what he did or who he hurt, that’s what makes you different. That’s what makes you better.” 

Bucky wipes hastily at the tears that he hadn’t realized were falling down his cheeks until now. Has he always been this much of a light weight? Full of emotion and regrets that are only amplified by his drunkenness. 

“I love that girl like she’s my own.” His mother’s voice brings him back. “So, what are you gonna do to fix this? I already bought her Christmas present.” 

Bucky laughs. His chest feels a little lighter. “Leave her alone.” He answers genuinely. He can almost see his mother’s mouth open in protest. “She’s on a date with Steve. I can’t ruin that for either of them.” 

There’s a sigh on the other end of the line. “You’re a good man, Bucky. Every good man makes mistakes. It’ll all work out.” She says vehemently. 

“I love you, ma. Thank you.” Bucky looks at the bottle in front of him. “I love you too. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” She asks gently. “Okay.” He nods as she hangs up. 

Her words help, but he’s still filled with guilt as he thinks of you. He had never wanted things to become this messed up with you. The last thing he wanted was for you to hate him.

Then why’d you do it? Bucky pulls at his hair. Since when was his subconscious so annoying? Was it the drinks? It’s your voice next. I mean nothing to you? 

“No. Shut up.” Bucky says to himself before standing up, his knee knocking against the coffee table painfully. He groans, but doesn’t stop moving. He feels like he’s going to be sick. He is going to be sick, he realizes as he forces the bathroom door open. 

He throws up. He’s not sure if it’s from the drinks or this overwhelming feeling of pure angst in his chest. A feeling that makes his lungs constrict and his heart ache.

He briefly wonders if this is heartbreak. And if it was, did that mean Steve was right? Bucky loved you?

He makes it back to the couch and starts a random movie in an attempt to stay up and wait for you. To talk or something. He was so, so sick of not talking to you.

But he falls asleep less than fifteen minutes later and he doesn’t hear you step into the apartment.

》•

“I had a really nice time tonight.” You say quietly. It’s almost midnight and you’re sure your neighbors wouldn’t appreciate you waking them up. “Thank you for taking me out.”

Steve stuffs his hands into his jacket pocket and gives you a grin. “Thanks for letting me take you out.”The two of you look at each other before breaking eye contact with awkward laughs. “We should do this again.”

You nod. “We should!” You lean up and press a kiss to his cheek before turning towards your door. “I’ll see you later, Steve.” You say softly before pushing the door open.

Steve gives you a short wave with a happy smile. “See you.” He begins to back away, down the hallway. “I’ll just.” He jabs a thumb over his shoulder before spinning around to walk straight.

You laugh silently to yourself as you finally step into your apartment and shut the door behind you. With your eyes shut tightly, you lean your back against the door and let out a sigh.

Your silence is disturbed by a groan and your eyes shoot open. Bucky’s laying on the couch, one arm hanging off and a bottle of whiskey sitting almost completely empty in front of him.

“Oh, Bucky.” You let out a sad sigh as you drop your purse and keys on the entryway table. His eyes are squeezed shut, you can tell he’s in a deep sleep.

When you stand in front of him, you push the stray hairs that are stuck to his sweaty forehead back. He’s flushed and you don’t know exactly how much he’s had to drink, but he was definitely drunk. You allow your nails to trace over his cheekbones and jawline in admiration.

You move away, suddenly aware of what you’re actually doing. You move quickly, picking up the empty glass and whiskey bottle and moving towards the kitchen. You leave the glass in the sink and stuff the bottle back into your drinks cabinet.

You think of just going back to your room, but you know you can’t leave Bucky shivering on the couch. You grab a clean glass and fill it with water before placing it on the coffee table in front of you. You pull out your travel Advil from your purse and sit it next to glass. His favorite blanket is draped over the back your lounge chair. You pull it off and drape it over him gently. Bucky snuffles then turns so his face is pressed into the couch.

You look down at Bucky again before leaving him in the room.

》

It’s like there’s a shift between you and Bucky after your date with Steve. You’re kinder and you seem to be more open with him again, while all Bucky wants to do is hide away in his room.

Every time you sit across from him in the living room or join him for dinner, he feels panic rise in him like vile and he ends up sitting tensely beside you.

Because you’re figuring your shit out. You want to be friends with Bucky again while Steve takes you out every weekend. It’s perfect. Going swimmingly, really.

Except, Bucky is falling apart. Every time you go out with Steve he makes himself sick thinking about what you’re doing. He’s stuck in this constant cycle of why does it hurt so much and you love her you love her you love her.

He just wants to scream so what? Even if he did love you, what did it matter? It’s not like it would change anything. You had never told him you loved him, you had only been angry because he had given you mixed signals. Now, you had moved on to someone easy, someone without commitment fears and who didn’t give you mixed signals.

So, even if he did love you, why would he say anything. Why would he ruin something good for you? He wanted to prove his mother right. He was better than his father, and he wouldn’t ruin something good for you. Not when he was the one who had driven you away. Sick sense of irony, the way this worked out.

》

You’re trying. You can tell Bucky is too. As you come further out of your shell again, he sticks to staunch boundaries and has ceased all of his old affectionate gestures. You know it makes sense and it’s for the best. Even if it does nothing but remind you of what you had grown used to with him before all this.

Besides, you couldn’t blame Bucky for not feeling the same way you did. Not when you had agreed to just benefits and not when you had never told him the truth. 

And Steve was sweet. Steve was gentle and kind and kissed you like you mattered. He held your hand in public and introduced you as his date when you ran into people he knew.

He was good. You cared for him, a lot, and you were desperate for it to work out. For it to work out with Steve and for it to work out with Bucky.

That’s how this night started. These thoughts and a plan. A stupid fucking plan for moving on. Drinks with everyone. Wanda, Vision, Sam, Steve… Bucky.

Bucky who was talking to a redhead at the bar. Bucky who you couldn’t stop staring at as he smiled and charmed her. Your fist tightened around your glass as you watch her nails inch towards his hand.

“Another round of drinks?” Sam’s voice pulls you from your stare. You shake your head to yourself and glance around table. Everybody’s glasses are empty except yours. “I’ll go!” You offer as you drain the last of your drink quickly.

You stand up before anybody at the table can question it. “I can help you.” Steve goes to stand, but you place a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Bucky’s up there. I’m sure he’ll help!” You give him a big smile, one that he answers with furrowed eyebrows. You don’t think much of it as you spin on your heel and make a beeline for the bar.

You don’t see the look Wanda shoots you or the glance Sam and Steve share. You stop right behind Bucky and lean on the counter as you order then you tap him on his shoulder.

He spins quickly. “What’s up? Everyone okay?” He asks, his eyes shifting between you and the table of your friends.

“Yeah!” You give him a small smile. “I was sent for drinks and I didn’t realize how many there were. Think you could help?”

He glances between you and the redhead, who’s giving you a kind smile as she waits. You smile in return before looking up at Bucky again. “Please?” You tack on with a pout.

Bucky laughs. “Yeah. Whatever.” He looks down at the woman again. “You wanna join us? Promise everyone is super cool.”

Your eyes widen as the drinks are placed in front of you. She wasn’t supposed to come. This was supposed to… You pause.

This was supposed to get him away from her. Back to your side.

“Yeah!” You give her a fake smile. “You should join us, we could always use more girls.” You chuckle as you lift three glasses.

Bucky grabs the other three before looking at the woman in question. She shrugs before grabbing her own glass to follow after you two.

You hand out the glasses before taking your seat beside Steve again. He arm comes up to rest behind your chair and you can’t shake the urge to push it off.

“Guys, this is Natasha.” Bucky gestures to the woman besides him before pulling a chair out for her. “Natasha. Wanda, Vision, Steve, Sam.” He points everyone out before finishing off with you. She smiles politely at all of you. You grind your teeth as he sits beside her.

The group seems to take a liking to her right away. She laughs at Sam’s jokes and compliments Wanda’s engagement ring. You’re burning with jealously as Bucky flirts in front of all of you.

It’s wholly irrational, a sober you would know that this jealously doesn’t really make sense. Three mixed drinks in though and it feels like Bucky is doing this to hurt you.

It feels like he’s showing you what he could never do with you. He never flirted with you in front of your friends or allowed his hand to inch towards yours on the table in front of them.

Bucky was secretly affectionate with you. It was tangled feet on Sunday mornings and cuddling Saturday nights. Sex in the middle of night and… heartbreak the next morning.

So his drifting hand and charming smile directed towards Natasha is suffocating you with insecurity. What did she have?

“I’m going home.” You stand abruptly when Bucky leans towards her with a laugh. Your shaky on your feet and Steve reaches a hand out to stabilize you. Everyone looks at you with confusion. “I… I don’t feel good.”

“I’ll walk you home.” Steve stands immediately.

You shake your head. “No!” When he freezes and looks at you with hurt eyes you smile tightly. “I mean, I’m going to take a Lyft. You stay here, have fun.”

“At least let me wait with you. So you’re not in the cold alone.” He insists and you nod slowly.

You really want to be alone, to wallow in this feeling, but Steve was nice and of course he wouldn’t let you go alone.

You watch Bucky for a moment, like you expect him to say something, to offer to come with you. Like he always did, but his attention shifts back to Natasha as Steve’s arm wraps around your waist.

It’s silent as he guides you out of the bar and tense as you order the Lyft. “Fifteen minutes.” You say softly.

Steve nods and looks around the almost empty street. You open your mouth to break the awkward silence, but he beats you to it.

“What happened between you and Bucky?” He asks quietly, his hands stuffed into his jacket pocket, and his teeth gnawing on his bottom lip.

You swallow thickly. “He didn’t tell you?” You ask instead of answering the question.

“He told me you guys had a friends with benefits thing going on. Then he told me you didn’t.” He doesn’t look angry, just sad as he stares down at you. “You know Bucky, he doesn’t share a lot.”

You look down at the sidewalk, your heel scuffing against it nervously. “I don’t know. I read things wrong, I guess. I… I thought we had a chance?” Your tone is questioning and you let out a laugh in a self-deprecating manner.

“You still love him?” You eyes shoot up to meet Steve’s. You open your mouth to say something, anything, to turn this conversation around but the door opening takes your attention off of the conversation.

It’s Bucky and Natasha, laughing softly with one another. You turn away quickly and feel the vomit rise in your throat. “I’m gonna be sick.” You murmur before throwing up all over Steve’s shoes. He grimaces and takes a step back as the couple turns around at the sound of you.

Bucky calls out your name. You can’t look up, instead you drop to the ground and sit on the sidewalk ledge.“Are you okay?” Bucky kneels down beside you as you cough.

“I’m fine. You can go. Go.” You urge, unable to look up at him. Bucky doesn’t budge though, his hand coming up to push back the hairs stuck to your forehead. “Bucky. Please.” You groan.

“I’ll walk her home.” Bucky says to Steve, ignoring your pleas. “The air will do her some good and the car moving will only make her feel worse.”

Steve looks between you two hesitantly. “I don’t know, I can take her.” You still feel nauseous, especially at the idea of Steve who you’re pretty sure just broke up with you wanting to keep you away from Bucky for your comfort.

When you look up, Natasha is standing behind Bucky with worried eyes. You feel tears gather in the corner of your eyes as they move to Bucky. He smiles gently, his hand still resting against your cheek. “Let me walk you home, sweets.”

The nickname makes your heart soar. Months of nothing but your first name and you feel like you’re floating at the sound of it. “Okay.” You nod, your hand coming up to rest on his. “Okay.” You pull out your phone to cancel the Lyft.

He helps you stand. “I’ll see you.” He says apologetically to Natasha. She doesn’t look upset, in fact she smiles at him like she knows something you two don’t. “I’ll let you know when we get home.” He says to Steve, who nods before following Natasha inside.

You feel flushed and hot all over. A horrible mixture of drinks, jealously and nausea settling in your stomach. It makes you horribly dizzy and you’re forced to lean against Bucky heavily for support.

“One step at a time, sweets.” Bucky says softly, his metal arm wrapped tightly around your waist.

》

“Almost there.” Bucky exhales a deep breath as he all but carries you towards the couch. He’d given up on getting you down the hall, you had pretty much become dead weight and getting you down the hall to the apartment had taken a lot out of Bucky. “Few more steps, sweets.”

Bucky’s cheeks are red and his entire body is warm. It’s been so long since he’s been this close to you and he can’t help but feel his heart grow as you latch onto him.

“Easy. Easy.” He murmurs as he sits you down gently on the couch. You mumble incoherently as you head lands on the back of the couch.

He pulls away from you and pulls his phone out. Sorry to leave you, maybe we can catch up another time?

Maybe. As friends, of course.

Bucky glances at you before looking back down at his phone, he begins to type but another message pops up quickly.

I saw the way you looked at her, I don’t think you’re looking for a girlfriend! It’s okay :)

Bucky leaves the phone sitting on the coffee table as he focuses his attention back on you. You open your eyes and look at him sadly. “What’s wrong with me?” You ask quietly.

“Nothing.” Bucky responds immediately, his hand reaching out for your cheek. The moan of relief you let out at the coolness of his metal appendage goes straight through Bucky. “Nothing is wrong with you.” He forces his voice to stay steady.

He takes a seat next to you on the couch and drops his hand back to his lap. While you stare at the carpeted floor, Bucky’s eyes trail over you. He takes in the skin tight pants and soft sweater. The way your legs look makes him swallow thickly. You were beautiful and Bucky loved you. 

The thought makes him pause, but it doesn’t scare him nearly as much as he thought it would. He did. He loved you. He knew looking at you now that the months of questioning it and then trying to make himself believe it was just as a friend as you dated Steve, was all in vain. He loved you. Maybe he had loved this whole time. 

You look up at him suddenly, like you can hear his thoughts, and Bucky is frozen in his spot. You move towards him slowly and he can’t do anything but watch. 

You crawl into his lap and Bucky’s hands immediately rest on your waist to hold you steady. “What… What’re doing?” He can’t hide the shock in his tone. He has to hold back a moan as your hands come up to run through his hair. You left yanks gently at the hair on the back of his head to force him to look up at you and Bucky is unable to stop the moan from slipping out then.

You smile down at him cheekily. “Want you to fuck me.” Your already slurred words are murmured, so Bucky almost doesn’t understand you. “It’s been so long, Buck.” You grind down and he chokes on his own spit, not expecting his night to end like this.

“You gotta stop, sweets.” His grip on you waist tightens in an attempt to halt your movements. “You’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re doing.” He says, looking back up at you. 

Your hands rest on his shoulders and you shake your head. “I know I hated seeing you with her. I hate not having you. Please, I miss you.” You whisper pleadingly.

The words pain Bucky. “I miss you too, but you don’t want this.” He gently pushes you off of his lap and back onto the couch cushions beside him.

Your head falls to your hands while your elbows rest against your legs. “Why don’t you want me?” You look back up at him with wet eyes. Bucky freezes. Is that what you thought? That he didn’t want you? 

“Sweetheart, you have no idea how much I want you.” He admits, reaching out to pull your hands away from your face completely. You shake your head and pull yourself away from him. 

“If you wanted me you wouldn’t have flirted with her all night. In front of me. In front of our friends.” Bucky looks at you with wide eyes. How could you be upset with him over that when you had gone with Steve? When you had been dating Steve? 

“You’re with Steve.” He reminds you. “Am I supposed to not flirt with other people? You told me we were just roommates. We’re barely even friends!” He exclaims. 

“No! I told you that because you hurt me.” You wipe tears off of your cheeks. “You… You made me feel like I was something to you then told me I was just a fuck. I was hurt.” You explain. “God, you- I loved you so much and you just - just-“ 

“You love me?” Bucky cuts you off. He knows you’re drunk, but the words make his heart race. He feels his eyes soften as he stares at your form. 

The tears gathered in your eyes begin to fall down your cheeks as you shake your head hastily. “Loved you. I loved you. But you didn’t love me, so I moved on.”

Bucky didn’t know it was possible to physically feel your heart break, but here he was, his heart cracking painfully as you look away from him.

“I’m so tired.” You whisper. “Why could you flirt with her in front of all our friends? Why… Why was I a dirty secret?”

Bucky doesn’t know what to say to you. Doesn’t know how to explain to you that he wasn’t afraid of losing her the way he was you. He didn’t know her at all, he certainly didn’t know her the way he knew you.

“We should get you to bed.” Bucky stands abruptly. His hands come down to hold your arms gently as he helps you stand. “We can talk in the morning.”

You allow him to pull you up, it looks like you’ve given up on furthering the conversation. Bucky picks you up bridal style to carry you down the hall.

Your arms rest loosely around his neck. “Steve broke up with me.” You say as Bucky drops you onto your mattress. “He knows about us. He doesn’t want someone who… who…” You trail off before falling into a fit coughs.

“We’ll talk in the morning.” Bucky says softly, his fingers trailing over your cheeks. “I promise, sweetheart.” You already have a water bottle on your nightstand, so Bucky searches your vanity for Advil.

He leaves two pills beside the bottle. You’re already dozing off, your eyes fluttering shut, so Bucky leans down to press a kiss to your forehead. When he goes to pull back, your hand shoots out and wraps around his wrist. “Stay. Please.” You whisper.

Bucky hesitates for a second before nodding and sitting beside you on the bed as he pulls his shoes off. His heart races as he moves to lay beside you and he feels flushed as you curl into his side.

He allows himself to relax with you in his arms. It had been so long since you’ve been beside him like this and Bucky lets himself feel love as you do. 

Is this what he had been afraid of the entire time? 

》

You wake up hot, nauseous and with a pounding headache.

And something wrapped tightly around you. When you open your eyes fully, the first thing you see is a metal arm wrapped tightly around your waist. You groan when your eyes trail up and the sunlight streaming in from your window hits you.

A deeper groan is returned and it makes you freeze. You rack your brain for what happened last night, but all you could remember was getting sick outside the bar and Bucky taking you home. Had you said something? Had he?

You turn over in his arms and look up at him. His eyes are still closed and he’s letting out steady, soft breaths.

“Bucky.” You whisper, your hand coming up to rest against his chest. “Bucky, wake up.” You say a little louder.

His eyes snap open and immediately he pulls away from you. “Shit. Sorry. I’m sorry. You… You…” He sots up and rubs a hand over his face.

“I don’t… What happened? I just remember you walking me home.” You sit up slowly. You’re still wearing your leggings and the sweater from last night. You groan. “I’m sorry I took you away from…” He shakes his head. 

“It’s okay. I offered. You asked me to stay when I got you into bed, I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable.” His apology is sincere and you suck in a deep breath.

“It’s okay. I don’t… You know I don’t mind falling asleep with you.” Neither of you move or say anything, just sit on opposite sides of your bed in awkward silence. “I-“

“I love you.” Bucky blurts effectively cutting you off. Your eyes widen and your pulse quickens as you stare at him. You had not been expecting that. “And… I’m sorry it took all of this. Not being friends, Steve, drinks, for me to realize, but I do. I think I’ve always loved you, I just… I didn’t know it.”

You shake your head as you try to process what he’s saying. “I don’t… I don’t understand. Where is this coming from?”

“I… Seeing you with Steve. I didn’t… It killed me inside.” Bucky admits.

“And you think that means you love me?” You spit out. “You said it yourself, Bucky Barnes doesn’t do relationships.” You shake your head. “You’re just jealous because you don’t have my attention anymore.”

“That’s not true.” Bucky says adamantly. He turns his body on the bed so it’s facing you. “It made me realize I love you. It made me realize my favorite time of the day is when I get to spend time with you. That our Sundays spent reading and Saturdays watching Law and Order were always better than bars or parties because I was with you. I… I want to do the relationship things with you. Holding hands, just sleeping together. Telling people you’re my girlfriend.”

You stare at him tearfully. “How do you know it’s love? That you didn’t just miss me?”

“I know what it’s like to miss you. This feeling? This warmth in my chest when you’re around and the ache there when you’re gone? That’s not missing you. I...” He pauses. “I love you. And It’s okay if you don’t feel the same anymore-“

“-Anymore?” You question. Your eyes squeeze shut as you headache gets worse. “Bucky, what-“

“You told me you loved me last night. You were drunk, I know, but-“

“Fuck.” You laugh to yourself as you take in everything he has said. Pieces of last night come flashing back to your mind. Crawling into Bucky’s lap, crying, admitting you had loved him. “Oh God.” You groan, rubbing your hands over your face.

“Bucky you don’t have to-“ You shake your head. “You don’t have to try and make this something it isn’t because you feel bad.”

“I’m not.” Bucky reaches a hand out to rest on your back. “What can I do to make you believe me?”

You look over at him. “Prove it.”

》

Steve meets him for coffee later that morning. You’re out with Wanda for Sunday brunch and Bucky is on his final stop of his apology tour. 

“Hey.” Steve looks up from his phone and smiles at Bucky. “Can I sit?” Bucky motions to the chair across from him and Steve nods.

Steve pushes a black coffee over to Bucky, whose nose scrunches up at the scent. Fair, Bucky thinks. “What’s up?” Steve asks quietly. “You missed our run this morning.”

Bucky looks down at the table. “I had some stuff to deal with. You know with-“ Bucky cuts himself when Steve nods. “Listen, I wanted to say I’m sorry. Shit was never supposed to get this messed up.”

Steve shrugs. “You tell her?” He gives Bucky a knowing smile. “That you love her?”

Bucky gives him a small smile in return. “I did. Yeah.” He taps his fingers against the table. “She’s got some, uh, trust issues with me. But it makes sense. We’re gonna take it slow.”

“I’m happy for you, Buck.” Steve admits after taking a sip of his drink. “I was never mad or angry with you. I always knew she still cared for you and I think I always knew it would never be anything serious.”

Bucky nods. “Thanks, Steve.” He looks down at his coffee with an appreciative smile.

“Besides,” Steve smirks, “Natasha is super cool. We exchanged numbers last night after she asked about what was going on between you two.”

》

Bucky invites you to spend Christmas with his family. You don’t even have to think about it before you say yes. Christmases with his family were always full of warmth and love; You absolutely loved it. 

You’re more excited to be here this year too, to celebrate with him in this way. As his girlfriend, you had heard him tell Rebecca over the phone when informing her of his plans to drive up to see them Christmas Eve. 

You had the perfect gift for him too, well, you have a few gifts for him. Most of them could wait for Christmas with his mom and sister, but there were two you were just desperate to see his reaction to.  

That’s why you slip out of his room in the early hours of the morning when the sky is still dark and everybody is asleep. 

That’s how Bucky wakes up, a small, wrapped box sitting on the nightstand and you nowhere to be found. Bucky eyes the box warily before looking around the rest of his bedroom. Your suitcase is unzipped and he can tell it’s be riffled through before being shoved back into the corner os his room.

His door is pushed open quietly. “Why are you up?” His voice makes you jump and spin so your back slams against the door. Bucky has to bite back a laugh as you take a couple deep, calming breaths. 

“I...I was going to wake you up.” You tip toe across the room and crawl into bed beside Bucky. You suck in a deep, nervous breath. While you and Bucky had been dating for the past few weeks, you had also been taking it slow. “For gifts.” 

Bucky’s eyebrows furrow as he sits up a little straighter in bed. “Gifts? It’s five in the morning, I promise Becca and my mom are in such deep sleep we couldn’t wake them if we tried.”

Kind of what I’m banking on, you think. “No. I mean.. Our gifts, for each other.” You explain in a soft voice, before reaching over to pick up the small box you had left sitting on the nightstand. “I didn’t want to give you this in front of your family and I don’t think I can wait.” You admit a little sheepishly. 

Bucky looks down at the box with a soft smile. “Just let me get one of your gifts.” He sits it down on the comforter before crawling out of the bed and moving to his suitcase. He picks up a small box, wrapped in the same gift paper his is because he had stolen your roll, and smiles up at you.

He hands it over and the two of you just stare at each other with bright, happy smiles before tearing into the wrapping paper at the same time. Your mouth drops open in shock when you open the box.

A bracelet is staring back at you. A silver band filled with charms that make you smile as you run your fingertips over each one. Your alma mater’s mascot. The Brooklyn Bridge. A bottle of wine. “Buck...” You trail off in awe. “This is beautiful.”

“Sweets.” He says the nickname gently and you look up to watch him pull the watch out of the box with a small smile. “This is...” He flips it over in his hand and his eyes widen when he notices the engraving on the back.

the best lovers start as friends.

“I love you.” He runs a finger of the engraved metal as you whisper softly, “I... I’ve loved you for so long, Buck, and having your love in return is unlike anything I could have imagined.” 

Bucky drops the watch on the bed between you as he reaches across to pull you into a bruising kiss. You drop your own gift onto the bed and reach up to rest a hand on his chest. 

“I love you.” Bucky pulls away to whisper the words. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” He punctuates each sentence with a kiss to your skin. You giggle softly as he moves towards you and his hand settles on your waist. 

“I have something else for you.” You pull away to remove the bracelet and watch from the bed. Bucky watches as you move so you’re on your knees with intrigued eyes. You smile coyly as you move to pull his shirt over your head. 

Bucky lets out a low moan as his eyes trail over your body, covered in dark green lace. “What’s this?” His fingers come up to trace over the lace and leave goosebumps in their wake. 

“Your second gift.” You murmur breathlessly as he fingers drift lower and lower. Bucky smirks as he leans towards you and presses a kiss to your neck, then across your collar bone until he’s trailing kisses down the valley of your breasts. 

He pulls away after a moment and looks up at you questioningly. “Are you sure?” 

You smile down at him and wrap your arms around his shoulders. “I wouldn’t have dropped this much money on lingerie if I wasn’t sure.” His arms wrap tightly around your waist as he pulls your body flush against his. 

“What did I do to deserve a gift like this?” He looks up at you with a bright smile. You run a hand through his hair. “Love me.” You answer genuinely. Red dusts Bucky’s cheeks at your words as you lean in to kiss him. 

You shift so you’re straddling Bucky’s lap. “Gonna fuck me?” You murmur in question against his lips. Bucky moans against you and his hips buck up involuntarily. His hand drops from your waist to your thigh and he trails his fingertips up. 

“You look so pretty, sweets.” He smirks up at you as his hand pushes the lace aside. He runs the tip of his index finger over your wet folds and you push down already wanting more from him. “Patience, sweetheart. Let me take you in. I wanna enjoy my gift.”

You moan as he begins to rub slowly against your clit. “Want you to ride my thigh first, sweets.” Bucky shifts you so your legs are straddled over his left thigh.

You moan as your clit rubs against his thigh. You pull at the waist band and his sweatpants and he helps you pull them off of his legs before situating your body back over him. “Fuck.” You let out a deep sigh as his hands land on your hips.

His eyes are dark and pupils blown as he stares at you above him. Bucky’s already hard, you can see his dick straining against his briefs. He doesn’t do more than lightly guide you by the hands on your hips, but his eyes watching you intently as you moan is enough to make your stomach twist in pleasure.

“Fuck, James.” He groans as his first name tumbles out of your mouth in a breathy moan. “You look so pretty on my thigh, sweetheart. I love watching you.”

He leans forward then, to press kisses across your breasts as you move back and forth against him. “Feels so good.” One of your hands twists in his hair and Bucky moans against your skin.

You move faster against him as you feel yourself get wetter. You moan his name like a mantra as Bucky’s hands grip you tighter and tighter.

Bucky’s hands force you to a stop. You whine at the lost of pleasure, but it’s not long before Bucky has you flipped so you’re laying on your back beneath him.

“Gonna fuck you, is that okay sweets?” He leans back to pull his shirt off and you nod hastily as your hands come up to pull at his briefs. It’s not long before you’re bare underneath him, the lace garments discarded to the floor of his bedroom.

“Gotta be quiet.” He runs his tip over you folds in a teasing manner that almost makes you moan out. Instinctively, your hips buck up with a quiet whine. His hand comes up to cover your mouth. “Don’t want Becca to hear. She’s just down the hall, sweets.”

It’s a warning and it makes heat spread through you. You’re not sure if it’s the idea that you could get caught in his childhood bedroom or the way Bucky’s voice deepens, but it makes you tired of waiting. “Please.” Your beg is muffled by his hand, but he hears it. He doesn’t wait any longer, he pushes himself all the way in and you both let out relieved moans at the feeling. “Fuck. Fuck. You always feel so good, baby.” 

Your back arches into his body as he begins fucking you at a slow pace. When he seems satisfied that you won’t make too much noise, his hand moves from your mouth he rests his forearm on the pillow beside your head. “James.” It’s a whispered moan that makes his hips stutter. “Faster. Please. I’ll be quiet.” You promise, your legs wrapping around him. Bucky leans down to press a bruising kiss to your lips as he fucks into you faster. You moan into his mouth as pleasure rushes through you. 

There’s something extremely intimate about the way he fucks into you, one hand holding onto your hip and another resting beside your head. It’s love, you realize when he pulls back to look at you with soft eyes. It does something to you, makes want rush through your veins and pulls the air from your lungs. “I love you.” You whisper into the space between you two, Bucky still pushing in and out of you. 

“I love you.” His eyes slide shut and his head falls to nuzzle into your neck. “You look at me like that again I’m not gonna last, sweets.” He press a gentle kiss to your neck before beginning to suck harshly. You’re sure there will be a mark there tomorrow that you’ll never live down, but you can’t bring yourself to care when his tongue runs over the mark and your stomach clenches in excitement. 

“Fuck. I’m so close, Bucky, please. I- I need-“ His hand is reaching between your bodies before you can spit the sentence out. His finger rubs against your clit as he quickens his pace. “Yes. Yes.” You moan, and you can immediately tell it’s too loud when Bucky freezes. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” You mutter, so close and desperate for him to resume his pace. 

“I know, I’m close too, but we can’t wake the house up.” You throw your head back and bite down hard enough to draw blood when he resumes his movements. He’s rubbing at your already sensitive clit and fucking you quickly, it’s all too much as your stomach tightens in pleasure. “Yeah. I can feel you, baby. Come for me, please. I need to feel you.” His tone is deep and possessive in your ear. 

When he slams into you hard, your orgasm washes over you. Your mouth opens in a moan that Bucky catches with a messy kiss. You can feel his hips stutter against you as he reaches his own high and releases into you. 

The two of you stay like that for a moment, just breathing with each other. “Merry Christmas.” You laugh softly as Bucky pulls out and moves to grab a towel from his desk chair. 

Bucky smiles as he comes to lay beside you again and wipes gently at your thighs.  He pulls the comforter up so it’s wrapped around both of you again and pulls you so your head rests against his chest. “Merry Christmas.” He whispers in return.

You glance out the window and find that it’s snowing again. You’ll probably be snowed in for the next few days, but you don’t really mind, not with Bucky here and in your arms the way you’ve always wanted. 

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

notes // this took weeks to finish and i truly hope whoever reads it through enjoys it! 

my writing is free & will remain free. if you enjoy it and you have the resources, consider donating to my ko-fi :)

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes x fem!reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes oneshot #steve rogers #james bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction

[turtle-babe83]

Hi! How are you? If you don’t mind, ( this is not a nsfw request but I love the way you write your stories and I thought this could be fun!!) I’d like to make a scenario or Headcanon request, how about reader x turtles ( separately ) are sharing a bed ( first time ) and reader is very sleepy, keeps turning towards the space that the turtle is occupying ( but not like just turning, literally throwing themselfs like on top of them, head would be on top of their chest /plastron and arms around them) every time they realize they are there, they apologize and turn to “their side” again, but it’s like their body wants to be on that spot, so every 15 minutes they launch themselfs into the turtle, realize that their sleepy state did it AGAIN, apologize, turn to their side and the process repeats, in their 5th time reader just “ you know what I’m gonna stay here”😅, how would the turtles react to that? I kept doing it overnight to the point I started laughing and just thinking how funny that would be ( also if you could add that the reader mumbles and talks at night I think it would be the funniest, once my sister said that I started singing and when she asked me to stop I giggled and sang nOoOooooO, the only way I stoped was when she threw a pillow in my face 🤣)

Hope this wasn’t too much! Thank you, and have a wonderful day!

This is a cute idea! I’ll give it my spin and see what flows. Sorry this has taken me so long to get to! Going g!neutral since you didn’t specify. 💚

Warning: Language 🤷🏼‍♀️

Leonardo

Oh boy.

True, you two were friends for quite some time before beginning a romantic relationship. And it was also true, that said relationship was a couple of months in and going quite well. But sharing a bed with you?

Oh boy.

When you crawled into his bed in your cute, comfy pajamas, he felt butterflies erupt in his belly. How could a human be so absolutely adorable? You leaned over for a soft good night smooch, then rolled over and promptly fell asleep. Leo laid awake, listening to your soft snores, and trying hard to find his own way to dreamland. Just when he felt his eyes starting to droop, you rolled over half on top of him. He froze, wide awake now.

“Y/n?”

No response. You were still asleep. He gently rolled you back to your side. A few minutes passed. You flopped back over on him. He was at a loss for what to do. Your head was under his chin and he could smell your shampoo. He felt a little like a creeper, sniffing your hair. But god, did it smell so good. He nuzzled his snout against the top of your head. Suddenly, you stirred. Your eyes blinked sleepily and a big yawn split your face wide. You seemed to realize your position rather quickly, and even in the dim light, he could see some darkening in your cheeks.

“S-sorry,” you muttered, rolling back over to your side.

“It’s okay.”

After a few awkward minutes, you dozed back off and Leo finally drifted to sleep himself. He jolted awake awhile later to find you sprawled across his plastron, one leg thrown over his thighs. You looked so precious, he hated to disturb you. But his arm had gone to sleep and he needed to move it to get feeling in the limb again. He tried to be gentle but your eyelids fluttered despite his best efforts.

“Mmm,” you moaned, arching your back a little.

Glancing up at Leo’s sleepy smiling face, you giggled, “I give up. It’s much more comfortable here on top of you anyway.”

“Fine by me,” he murmured, wrapping his arms around you and pressing a sweet kiss to your forehead. The two of you slept entangled peacefully for the rest of the night. 💙

Raphael

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. This couldn’t be happening. He wasn’t ready for it yet. You. In. His. Bed. Oh shiiiiit.

But there you were, laying next to him while he struggled to just breathe normally. Could you hear his thundering heartbeat? Based on your measured breathing, you were blissfully passed out and unaware of his plight.

Nightmare scenarios kept running through his head. What if he rolled over and crushed you? What if he snored loudly and woke you up? What if-god forbid-he farted in his sleep and you heard or smelled it? He would be mortified.

Absorbed in his worriesome thoughts, he jumped when you suddenly wrapped yourself around his huge bicep like a little spider monkey. Your unconscious little whimpers melted his heart. He brushed some hair out of your eyes and you snuggled closer, before waking up. Your bleary eyes widened when you realized how you were all over the big brute.

“Oh my gosh, Raph! I’m so sorry!”

You scrambled back over to your side of the bed, embarrassed by your actions. It was so very early in your budding relationship with the hotheaded ninja, and you didn’t want to overstep any boundaries.

He cleared his throat, “Yeah, no worries.”

Raph laid awake, staring at the ceiling. It wasn’t long before you were snuggled back up to him and he had to admit, it felt nice. He tightened his arm around you. Just as his eyes began to droop, you woke up with a shriek, arms and legs flailing.

“Whoa, y/n! Calm down, babe, it’s okay. It’s just me!”

You became fully aware of your surroundings and tried to calm your racing heart. You had just had a horrible nightmare and poor Raphie had taken the brunt of you fighting off your dream attacker.

“I’m so sorry. Geez, I feel like all I can do is apologize tonight.”

You wrapped your arms around yourself.

“C’mere,” Raph whispered, reaching for you. “I’ve got you.”

You spent the rest of the night safely engulfed in his gigantic arms. Your dreams took a notably naughtier turn after that. ♥️

Donatello

He could totally do this. No pressure. Just a sleepover. With the one person he adored most. The one he tried to impress every chance he got. Just his crush. No pressure at all. Yep.

He was freaking out. He changed the sheets, cleaned up all the empty Starbucks cups and candy wrappers, and fluffed the pillows. Then, you came out of the bathroom wearing super cute pj’s and he nearly swallowed his tongue. He let you choose your side, then laid down as close to the edge as he could without falling off the mattress. He laid on his stomach and despite his nerves, he was exhausted from pulling too many late ‘nights’ working on projects. He quickly fell asleep.

Donnie was awakened when he heard your voice. You were muttering but he couldn’t quite make out your words. There was a weight on his shell that confused him. He shifted to the side and the weight fell off. He pushed up and looked over to his side to find you, looking disheveled and perplexed.

“What on earth?” you muttered, running a hand through your messy hair.

“You okay? I think you fell off my shell.”

You looked incredulous, and mildly embarrassed.

“Wow, Donnie, I’m not sure why I was on your shell.”

“It’s no problem. Let’s just get back to sleep.”

You agreed and scooted back over to your edge of the bed. You drifted off once again. Donnie yawned but couldn’t seem to get back to sleep. After a half hour of tossing and turning, he was surprised to hear your voice again.

“Donnie.”

“Yes, y/n?”

“Donnie…..Doooooonatelloooooo…..my Donnie.”

His eyes widened. Your Donnie? What were you saying?

“Y/n?”

You mumbled something unintelligible. Donnie leaned closer to your face. Your eyes were open, but staring blankly.

“Love Don-Don. Lovey-love,” you cooed, making kissy noises.

Donnie gasped and then squealed, “What?!”

Suddenly, you blinked and his face came into focus. Why was he so close? Close enough to kiss. You shook your head at the thought.

“Donnie?”

“You love me?!” he asked, eyes desperate.

“What? Why would you-?”

“You just said so.” He searched your face as if the answers were written there on your skin.

Shit. Your damn sleep talking had ratted you out. “Oh.”

Donnie swallowed hard, “I love you, too.”

Your expression softened, and when he cupped your cheek, you leaned into the touch. Feeling bold, you swiftly pecked his lips. The two of you talked things out until you found yourself nodding off. You snuggled closer to your favorite guy, and relished his arm wrapped around you as you nodded off.

Michelangelo

Sleepover? With Babycakes? How did he get so lucky? He stocked extra snacks and Orange Crush by the bed in case you woke up needing a 3AM snack. Honestly, it was the only thing he was concerned about. He didn’t bother to pick up his room, which was an absolute wreck. You knew how messy it was, why bother changing anything now?

When it was time to sleep, you changed into your pj’s and waded through the dirty clothes and random junk to climb into his bed. Mikey was still wound up and decided to play some video games while you pulled the covers up and dozed. After about an hour, you abruptly threw the covers off and sat up.

“Need something, Angel?”

You didn’t even look at him. You got down from the bed and started across the room, when your foot got caught on something in the floor and you nearly face planted. Fortunately, the ninja in the room grabbed you and pulled you back up to the bed. You woke from the motion and looked at Mikey holding your waist. He blushed and let go.

“What happened?” you asked, trying to cover up your disappointment at the absence of his hands on you.

“You got up and headed for the door.” he explained.

“Oh no,” you facepalmed, “I forgot to mention, I sometimes sleepwalk.”

“So, should I stop you from walking?”

You sighed, “I don’t know. It could be dangerous for me to wander around here in the dark, but I don’t want to keep you up to babysit me.”

Mikey considered for a moment. He put the controller aside and scooted down in the bed. Pulling the covers back further, he patted the spot right next to him and held out a three fingered hand.

“I have an idea,” he smiled.

Hesitantly, you crawled over and laid beside him. He slipped his arms around you and pulled you tightly against him.

“Now, you can’t go anywhere,” he whispered.

Your cheeks were burning. Feeling Mikey’s arms around you was perfection, and you wished it was for a different reason.

“This is really nice,” he murmured, sliding a thick thigh between your knees.

Did he have any idea the effect he was having on you? It took true willpower to keep from grinding yourself against his leg.

“Uh huh,” you squeaked out.

Suddenly, there was a snout pressed against your neck.

“I could get used to this.”

Your eyes flew open and you looked deeper into his, expecting to see mischief, and you were absolutely gutted from the sincerity you found instead.

“Yeah? Me too,” you smiled, gently.

Mikey took a chance and kissed your forehead, feeling his heart light up when you shyly returned the kiss on his lips. You didn’t move again for the rest of the night.

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