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ohgollygumdrops · 3 years

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Bruh

I don't understand why life is so hard.

Why am I expected to know what I want to do with my life? Correction, I know what I want to do with my life, but it's not one singular thing.

I want to sing, I want to run, I want to hunt ghosts, I want to travel the world, I want to help people, I want to go back to college, I want to make a difference, I want to create an army of snails; I want to eat fresh, homemade bread while reading literary classics in a field; I want to create art, I want to write, I want to roleplay with people on discord, I want to bake, I want to lay on the floor, I want to break as many societal norms as possible, I want to make friends, I want to learn about the occult and own creepy thing that makes normies uncomfortable, I want to change people's lives, I want to meet my favourite influencers, I want to be a tree, I want to stargaze, I want to be the village crazy, I want to eat dice, I wanna look hot as fuck, I wanna dye my hair crazy colours, I want to get so many tattoos that I look like doodle book--

I want to do so many things it's impossible for me to pick just one, not only that but to stick to one thing for the rest of my life?

Sorry, bro... But no can do.

#life #growing up #adulthood #adulting #fml honestly #so fml #society #personal rant #venting post #vent #personal vent #life suuuuucks #What do you want to be when you grow up?

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ohgollygumdrops · 3 years

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No Title Needed...

Yesterday was a very bad day for me...

I'd been feeling strange the past week or so and I couldn't really tell why. Perhaps I'd been inside for too long, haven't been around people I love enough or it might have just been a crash from the high I'd seemed to be on for the past months, but I was feeling down and numb quite a lot; I'd become irritable, was finding it hard to sleep and I wasn't eating a lot / wanting to comfort eat, but yesterday was the worst for a long time.

Of course, you know nothing about me, but // TRIGGER WARNING // I suffer from depression, anxiety and reoccurring suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I've had a self-harm problem since I was about 11 / 12 years old and have a horrible habit of isolating myself and burying my feelings since my family relations aren't that good.

In the past two years, I've been really trying to work on myself because I needed to. I didn't want to want to hurt myself anymore and I wanted to get better.

Anyway, long story short is that in the past year I haven't self-harmed. After meeting 🦎 it became a lot easier to control those thoughts and feelings because he makes me feel genuinely loved and supported. Of course, I still get them, but I've not felt the need to act upon them. They've been something I could handle.

However, yesterday was different. I hadn't slept a lot the night before, maybe a few hours if I was lucky, but I was very tired and I didn't have the opportunity to make up those hours during the day... I'd been pretty okay for most of the day and was actually surprisingly happy at one point, but then all of a sudden I'd become irritated and decided to take a nap. I put some soft lofi on for background noise, I'd gotten myself a warm drink, and prepared everything to get a couple of hours rest, but... The moment my head hit the pillow, I began violently sobbing and I didn't know why.

I eventually slipped into an anxiety attack and couldn't breathe.

It remained that way for roughly 2 hours and 25 minutes off and on while uncontrollably crying for no apparent reason and I began to get suicidal thoughts. I started picturing my parents finding me dead, my older sister being told she wouldn't see me tomorrow ( today, as I'm writing this ) and I started thinking about my dog and my almost-6-year-old nephew never seeing me again and not knowing why. It was definitely horrible and didn't help me stop crying at all, but despite how horrible it was, I felt like I had to, like I deserved it. I was scared and the fact that I wanted to leave all the people I love behind made me hate myself, which only fed into my need to do it...

Fortunately, I was lucky enough to hang on and prevent myself from relapsing with the help of 🦎 who I had to call while he was still at work.

Even now, as I'm typing this all out and marinating in the mental and emotional aftermath of it all, I still don't know what caused such a visceral reaction so suddenly. I feel guilty; as though I didn't have the right to just be that way for a reason I can't identify, but I know I can't help the way I feel. We all have days worse than others and we have to take the bad with the good, but... I'm still sorry. I'll never be able to stop apologising for having those thoughts because I know they're not true. I am my own worst enemy and I feel stupid for believing the negative things I was saying to myself, even if it were only for a handful of hours.

Nevertheless, I am so fucking grateful I had someone I felt like I could turn to. 🦎 means the world to me and I really don't think I'd be here if I didn't have him.

That being said, I am sorry to all those people out there who don't feel that way and for all those people who think / feel as though they have nobody they can turn to. However, you can turn to me.

I'll always listen and try to understand the things you're going through and I'll always be a friend for you to lean on when you need that extra support.

My life was saved because I had someone there with me during these moments, so it really does make such a huge difference. Please...

If you do not wish to talk to me, but would like to talk to someone else, here are some numbers you can call / text or even email for help if you need it.

Samaritans – for everyone Call 116 123 Email [email protected]

Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5pm to midnight every day Visit the webchat page

Papyrus – for people under 35 Call 0800 068 41 41 – 9am to midnight every day Text 07860 039967 Email [email protected]

Childline – for children and young people under 19 Call 0800 1111 – the number will not show up on your phone bill

SOS Silence of Suicide – for everyone Call 0300 1020 505 – 4pm to midnight every day Email [email protected]

If you do not want to talk to someone over the phone, these text lines are open 24 hours a day, every day.

Shout Crisis Text Line – for everyoneText "SHOUT" to 85258

YoungMinds Crisis Messenger – for people under 19Text "YM" to 85258

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ohgollygumdrops · 3 years

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Music

''That's one of the greatest things about music. You can sing a song to 85,000 people and they'll sing it back for 85,000 different reasons.''

- Dave Grohl

#quotes #music quotes #songs #poetry #humans can be cool #human beings #music is art

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ohgollygumdrops · 3 years

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Am I still human?

Out of boredom and intense desire, I decided to study a little bit of psychology. I had begun to do so in school before the virus became a global, life-threatening issue and I've always had a passion for the subject. Well anyway, while watching 'Introduction to Psychology: Crash Course' on youtube, the - for lack of a better term - ''teacher'' said something very interesting that inspired a sudden urge to write my thoughts down before they became lost to the infinite vacuum of my mind.

He said ''What is consciousness? or the notion of self? - If I lose my awareness of myself, am I still human?'' and the question raised an interesting thought; most of the time I am NOT aware of myself... I'm sure I cannot be the only person who has these occasional moments of 'Oh shit, I'm a human living on earth' kinds of thoughts. I often feel as though I am on auto-pilot, moving, saying and existing without ever really realising it until something suddenly snaps me out of that hazy state and causes me to see the world clearly as if for the first time. It always evokes a feeling of nostalgia, contentment and peace within me and I suppose the previously asked question has the merit of truth to it; I believe those moments of clarity are the most human of moments within our lives. So, I suppose that begs the question of 'well, what about the rest of the time?' and I'm afraid I do not have the answer to that...

#psychology #my thoughts #my diary #dear diary #my mind #journal #studies #my writing #random thoughts #questions #human #am i human #still human #vent #venting #venting post

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ohgollygumdrops · 3 years

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Still nothing...

Last night, I wrote about my significant other going into hospital because of a temporary loss of eyesight. I'd convinced him to take the day off work and to go to the doctor to see what was wrong, but he'd confided in me that they were talking about the possibility that he'd have to stay in overnight so they can find out what was wrong.

He despised that idea because with him living in the USA, he would have left with a bill for the bed he was taking up.

I can't express how insanely guilty I feel, as I'm the one who told him to go and with me being unemployed, I can't even contribute to the payment I feel as though I am partly responsible for... But, I need him to get better.

Anyway, last night, it had grown quite late and with me being on the other side of the planet and six hours ahead of him, I came close to passing out from stress and exhaustion.

Just before I did, he'd mentioned that his phone was going to die and I haven't heard from him since. It's currently about 6am for him at this moment so I have to wait until he at least wakes up, but I have no idea about whether or not he stayed overnight or was able to go home...

To say I have been worried is an understatement; I've been jumpy, anxious, paranoid, depressed and... lost. For the past year, I've relied on him - and I know it's not healthy to be entirely dependant on one person, but he has been the one thing that has motivated me. The one person who has helped me through my mother being in the hospital, bouts of intense depression and has been the only person to instil confidence within me. We have fought and had our issues, but neither of us can survive more than half a day without the other.

It is at times like this that I convince myself that I haven't done enough and that I haven't been a good partner to him, but I have to try and expel those thoughts from my mind but it is difficult. Blaming and belittling myself has always been my first reaction when it comes to stressful and less desirable situations- even if it has nothing to do with me. That's why he is so important to me...

In the words of Rebecca Sugar's - Love like you:

''If I could begin to be half of what you think of me,

I could do about anything; I could even learn how to love...

When I see the way you act, wondering when I'm coming back,

I could do about anything... I could even learn how to love like you...

I always thought I might be bad, now I'm sure that it's true 'cause I think you're so good and I'm nothing like you...

Look at you go, I just adore you, I wish that I knew what makes you think I'm so special...

If I could begin to do something that does right by you... I would do about anything thing; I would even learn how to love...

love me like you...''

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ohgollygumdrops · 3 years

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Writing-

I've always adored books and that love has spiraled into a desire to write them, but when I look at the keyboard in front of me and I imagine all those different combinations I could make to envoke feelings... I become overwhelmed with the possibilities and never quite know what to say.

#writing #my writing #journel #thoughts #feelings #personal #dear diary #my diary #life #my life #inside my brain #inside my head

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ohgollygumdrops · 3 years

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Hospitals...

Something I really wanted to talk about, and part of the reason I made this blog is to talk about things going on in my personal life. Unfortunately, in the real world.

I've spent so much of my young life on the internet, making friends and growing attached to people who weren't good for me and... it's really difficult for me sometimes when things happen outside of the virtual world and I can't just log off or block it so I never have to hear about it again. And something I wish I could ignore right now is how many members of my family and my loved ones are growing sick or having to go into the hospital.

Luckily, I haven't had to deal with anyone contracting covid, and I sincerely apologise to anyone who has had to go through that themselves or had to experience someone they care about in pain...

But, recently, my mother was taken into hospital where she stayed for three - almost four weeks due to a Sepsis infection. She is at home with us now, better but still bed-bound; and now, on top of that, my boyfriend ( who shall be referred to as ''🦎'' for his privacy ), is now in hospital; yesterday morning, he woke up and found he'd temporarily lost control of his vision. As of right now, we have no idea what the cause is, but I am worried sick. Our relationship is long distance. With me being in England and him living in the United States, it is making me almost tenfold as paranoid. I would currently give anything to be by his side and to know exactly what is going on right now, but I don't and I can't hold his hand and tell him I love him every thirty seconds like I wish I could.

Long story short, I've just been through this with my mother, and now with the man, I have thought about marrying on several occasions throughout this past year... Life is really getting to me and 🦎 has gotten me through some of the hardest times in my life. I know he needs me to be strong for him and believe me, I'm trying, but the thought of him going blind or at the very least walking out of the hospital with a hefty bill that will only stress him out more is breaking my heart.

This blog is where I'm going to be venting, so please forgive me if it sounds as though I am rambling, it's because I am...

#dear diary #diary #my diary #journal #thoughts #venting #vent post #personal #hospitals #my life #life #vent

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