existentialverse

[existentialverse]

idfk dude

It's the drug addiction for me.

It's the outing me to my family for me.

It's the defending your abusive parents for me.

It's the gaslighting for me.

It's the I don't know how to take no for an answer for me.

It's the almost getting expelled for me.

It's "I'm jealous because you have a crush on someone else even though i talked to our friend about starting a poly behind my back" for me.

It's the undiagnosed mental illness for me.

It's the lies for me.

It's the not being able to keep a secret for me.

Its sharing our private life without my permission for me.

It's the "I still love my best friend" for me.

It's the "I never learn from my mistakes" for me.

It's the "I still talk to my abusive ex" for me.

It's the not communicating for me.

It's the triple teaming for me.

It's the complaining for me.

Its not knowing how to solve things by yourself for me.

It's the jealousy for me.

It's the "I dont trust you but you should trust me with everything" for me.

It's the needing control for me.

It's the stalking for me.

It's the not wanting to get help for me.

It's the not taking your medication for me.

It's the "I'm a blonde" for me.

It's the badgering for me.

It's the hypocrisy for me.

It's the victim complex for me.

- M

Happy angy Halloween bitches!

#writing #gay #rant #writers #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #spilled words #fuck this #fuck it #angry rant

[existentialverse]

Dear America

Dear America, I am seventeen years old and I just graduated High School, I am terrified.

Dear America, This is supposed to be “the time of my life” and instead we masks and tear gas and disgusting police brutality.

Dear America, We say ACAB, not because all cops are actually bastards but because in a field where one cop can ruin dozens of lives, we can’t afford “just a few bad cops.”

Dear America, Saying all lives matter is like telling a lifeguard not to rescue a drowning person because then they wouldn’t be paying attention to everyone else in the pool, and that’s just not how it works.

Dear America, We say Black Lives Matter because they are the ones drowning.

Dear America, Businesses can be reopened but you took a young man's life and that is irreplaceable.

Dear America, Open your fucking eyes.

#black lives fucking matter #black lives matter #justice for george floyd

[existentialverse]

Do I like them romantically or am a just a lonely piece of shit?

- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#shitpost #idk

[existentialverse]

Being Angry

Do you ever just, get mad at life?

You’re not mad at anything specific per-say but you’re just mad about things for existing.

And you think about things, and you’re just like, why the fuck is this happening to me.

But you have no one to blame, you can blame god, maybe. If you believe in it.

But when things go tits up and no ones around but you, who do you blame?

And, Isn’t that just a terrifying question. 

#contemplating #Thoughts #spilled thoughts #spilled ink #12am #12 am posts #fuck #angry rant #idk #writing #stream of thought #Stream of conscious writing

[existentialverse]

It's weird, being depressed and yet so scared of death.

X

#depression #idk #quote #quotes #sad #death

[existentialverse]

He made you a thousand paper cranes when your heart stopped working but all you saw was him hanging out with someone else to fix the heart he tried to give you.

- A Friend

#writing #rant #rant post #idk #angst #friend #ex lover #lost love #spilled words #spilled thoughts #spilled feelings

[existentialverse]

“Fat”

You can be “fat” and still be athletic.

I can run a 9 minute mile.

I was on the track team in elementary school. I did martial arts for 5 years. I was in marching band in high-school. I can carry both my brothers across a football field.

And I’m fat.

I have been “fat” since elementary school.

It doesn’t mean I’m not athletic.

So, fuck you.

(also the BMI scale is bullshit, do you know how many fuckin football players are overweight on that scale,fuck you.)

-Sash

#rant #bmi #fuck this #fat #athletic #fuck you bmi scale #youre full of shit #bye

[existentialverse]

I don't know what to say.

This was my fault, I admit, but it seems I have to fight for everything I want.

I'll be alone, if that's what you want, I'll wallow and cry and be mad, if that'll make you happy.

I didnt mean for this, this thing to escalate so fast.

Am I talking about the relationship? Or the end?

Maybe both.

It started as a joke. We were never supposed to be together. It was never supposed to work, but it did.

It worked because we went through the same shit relationship with the same shit person and when I had to choose I chose you. It worked because we were both so broken and yet so close.

But was the relationship bad? Or was I just to blinded by you? Was I broken? Or did you break me?

Because they were abusive, they scared me, they scared us. But was it bad?

I would still be with her if not for you. I would've stayed, and then things got complicated. Because you didnt love them, but you said you "loved" me.

But did you?

I thought you did, I thought you did so much that I left them and went to you. Two broken people make a whole, right?

I didnt regret it. Not at the time because she gave me anxiety and you didn't, so I thought it was okay. I thought you could be my safe space.

Then I fell in love. At least, I thought I did. We talked about future houses and getting married. We would live in a house, with a treehouse out back, with a cat and a kid and, and it was supposed to be perfect.

But you didn't trust me, did you ever trust me?

Because one guy. One guy that I was friends with. You thought I was cheating on you with him. But you never told me that.

Because your ex told you I was fucking with that guy, you trusted your ex more than me? Because I was scared to go to his house, or to your house, I was scared to hang out with anyone but you because you thought I was cheating on you with everyone, apparently.

Because you gave me so much anxiety. Because you needed me. And that was terrifying.

Because whenever I wouldn't talk to you, or you would be at work without your phone you would have a mental break. Because one day I was scared that I would come home and get a text saying you killed yourself.

Because I dont want to be needed.

But was it bad?

Do I still love you? I dont know.

Do I miss you? God, yes.

Did I ever love you? Or was I just trying to fill a missing piece with you.

Because I see you now, you're happy. At least I think you are.

And you hate me. And that's fine.

It was just supposed to be a break. I never meant to leave you. But its fine.

Because I'm bad at talking. And I'm bad at admitting I'm wrong. And I'm bad at self control.

Because I gave all your clothes back, and I guess you thought that was me ending it?

You said we would go at my pace. That I could take all the time I needed to figure things out, but I guess you got impatient. I guess I was to slow.

I dont know what to say.

We havent talked. I just want closure, even if I don't deserve it because it seems you've got it. So that's fine.

I dont know what to say.

-Marko

#breakup #heart break #sad #spilled words #spilled thoughts #spilled ink #idk #stream of thought #night writing #writing #poerty #poem? #??

[existentialverse]

"I'm not sorry, I don't know who you are anymore, you've become a stranger. Or maybe I have. You're.. toxic. And apparently everyone knew that but me. You say you can "see" me but.. you can't because you never could. Goodbye."

- Thinking, Maybe

#goodbye #rant #love #angst #anxiety #idfk #quote #fuck this #lovesick #sad #sorry #stream of conscious writing #stream of thought #existential crisis

[existentialverse]

Empty

I feel emotionally empty.

I’ve felt depression before, the flooding of sadness and exhaustion that hits you in the face like god just dropped an anvil on you and said “Good Luck!”

But now I’m just empty.

I’m on auto pilot, I’ve become a machine, and I don’t know whats happening.

I don’t know what day it is, I’m not sure where I am in my life. I just...don’t know.

I’ve never felt empty before, not really.

I’ve felt exhaustion, sadness. I’ve felt anger and pain and god I wish I felt that now, felt anything now.

I wish I just felt anything but empty.

-Marko

#-marko #empty #depression #emotions #angst #i feel empty #god wtf #idfk #what am i doing #fuck #rant #love #anxiety #idk #tw #fuck this #sad #sorry #stream of conscious writing

[existentialverse]

Anxious Anguish

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, fuckfuckfuck, I’m sorry.

It’s not your fault I’m sorry, fuck.

I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know why I’m here, I’m sorry. 

I hurt you, I hurt you, fuck I hurt you and I’m sorry and I can’t do anything about it but say I’m sorry.

Its not your fault, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t of said anything, shouldn’t of done anything, I’m sorry. Fuck.

I did this to us and It’s my fault and I’m sorry.

You’ll be better now, I promise.

It hurts now I know, I know. But I did this and you don’t-We don’t need each other anymore, we never needed-you never needed me. Not really. Not anymore.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry..

-name

#depression #anxiety #idfk #angst #ramblings #anxious #im sorry #im so sorry #i'm sorry #sorry #fuck #fuck this #idk #why am i like this #stream of thought #Stream of conscious writing #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #name

[existentialverse]

"I'm sorry, and I think that's all I'm allowed to say"

-Thinking, Maybe

#angst #sorry #im sorry #im so tired #im so sorry #depression #and depressed #sad #sad quotes #im sad #rant #anxiety #idk #quote

[existentialverse]

Bad Days

Sometimes, I have bad days, It's something everyone goes through right?

Bad days for me range from not wanting to walk to the store for food to not wanting to get out of bed in the morning to feeling like death punched me in the face. But that's fine.

Other times, my bad days are having nothing in my closet that I want to wear, or debating to keep my binder on for "10 more minutes" even though I know I shouldn't, or wanting to drown myself in huge sweaters so noone has a chance of even recognizing that I have a chest.

But I like, tight jeans and T-shirts that look "good" on me, that pronounce my good parts and hide my bad parts. But sometimes, jeans ride a little to low or shirts are a bit to tight around my chest, and I just cant and it's hard to walk out the door and just face life. To just exist.

And those, those are the worse days. Where I cant smile because I'm thinking to hard about what I look like, or if my binders tight enough, or if I'm "passing" enough.

And it fucking sucks.

Because I don’t portray myself as the "conventional" Male. Because I like my long hair and I like high heels (I'm short god dammit) and I like just being me, but apparently being "me" its enough.

But, is anything ever enough?

-Marko

#-marko #ugh #trans #transgender #ftm #gay ftm #dysphoric #dysphoria #lgtbq #lgtb #lgbtq #lgbtq community #bad days #and depressed #itll be okay

[existentialverse]

I wish I could be 100% me around someone, instead of just showing bits and pieces to everyone I know. Just for once I wish..

Notes From Someone Lost in Time 2

#lost in time #lost #lying #aaaaa #sad #depression #anxiety

[existentialverse]

It's okay. Whatever you do, it's okay, it's worth it. Don't let that voice inside your head tell get you down, and I know that's easier said than done, I know. But you're worth it, I promise you are.

The Existential Family

#worth it #quote #motivation #depression #voices in your head #thoughts #dialogue #writing #night writing #help #you are not alone #you are loved #you are amazing

[existentialverse]

“Did it hurt? Maybe. But it hurt more realizing that I could of done something, that maybe it was my fault.”

-Notes From Someone Lost in Time

#greif #angst #writing #quote #sad #depression #stream of thought #stream of conscious writing #idfk

[existentialverse]

Just because you dont acknowledge its existence, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. The world still spins even if you dont want it to, the sun still rises, school still starts, flowers still bloom. It just happens, even if we dont see it, even if we dont acknowledge it. So keep existing, even if you're not acknowledged for it, you're still as beautiful as the sunrise.

-Shae

#stream of thought #stream of conscious writing #writing #quote #existance #live your life #live your truth #live your dreams