#when was the last time I slept? like 48 hours ago?

[bagelvangr]

modern day au where Eivor and Randvi are travelling back home for the holidays

they are from different cities but have the same connecting flight and end up seated next to each other on the plane

Randvi obviously has the window seat because she checked in early and Eivor has to awkwardly take the middle seat, this will not be explained further

just like right now, there is an arctic system affecting flights. their flight ends up delayed from the gate, and then it taxis/holds on the tarmac for like 4-5 hours because de-icing and general weather conditions are making it really difficult for ALL flights

they get to know each other on the plane. Eivor's phone lost charge like 2 hours into the forevertaxi and Randvi had been reading some old Norse archeology book so they start talking. Eivor talks about and shows Randvi her tattoos and talks about living in Norway/Iceland/Faroe Islands/England/Ireland/Archeological flavour of your choice.

They find out they have a lot of mutual contacts and plan to meet up when they land.

The travelling situation is a mess and they have to navigate the airport with hundreds of other stranded travelers trying to figure out what to do with their cancelled flights. Randvi is distraught bc it's her first year in a while going back home and her sister (Thora ofc) just had a baby. Eivor is distraught bc a mentor and father figure of hers passed away (Svend) and she's concerned she won't make the funeral.

They spend literal hours in endless lines getting confusing information from a severely understaffed and overwhelmed 3am airport staff. Everyone around them (and themselves) are tired, hungry, thirsty, looking for a way to their destination.

They split briefly at first, but eventually find each other again to navigate the mess. It just makes more sense to stay in line together. One can stay in line and watch bags while the other uses the restroom, tries to find out what is happening in another line, tries to find food/drink, charges their phone. This of course leads them to exchanging their contact info so they can keep each other informed.

At some point Randvi gets super cold bc it's negative double digits and her coat is in her checked-in luggage. So of course Eivor gives her her jacket and says "it's fine, I run hot. Anyways, I'm wearing a flannel so technically I have layers too" -- totally normal gay behaviour.

Eventually, after 16 hours, they are delirious and swaying on their feet, but they manage to get a standby flight to where they're headed. They get food and drinks together once the shops are finally open and then head to their gate. Eivor, clearly shaking and on the verge of sleep deprived delirium, offers to stay awake while Randvi catches up on some sleep while they wait. Eivor says she will sleep on the flight.

Their first standby flight is a miss; but they're automatically rolled over to the next flight. Since it's still some hours away, Eivor does get some sleep and they both rest for a while.

There's a mutual unspoken fear of being put on separate flights since they are on standby and itching to get going, but luckily they make it on the same flight.

Seats are super limited though and they end up sitting separated from each other. Not that it matters too much bc all they end up doing is sleeping lol

When they land, there's a bit of debacle about how to find their luggage, and they end up chatting a bit more. This is when Eivor learns that Randvi was actually pretty close with Sigurd and Styrbjorn's family in general (details to be filled in on exactly what this is lol), and Randvi learns that Eivor is very good friends with Tove, who she is also good friends with, sharing mutual interest in ancient art.

So they learn they're going to the same neighbourhood, so they take a rideshare together. They actually solidify their plans to meet up later when Randvi learns Eivor is getting another tattoo and Randvi is giving research materials to Tove for referencing.

Eivor takes a genuine interest in it and offers to help on any expeditions or research sessions or trips if Randvi would like. Randvi learns Eivor has a boat and has enjoyed their time so far, and so they start planning regular expeditions around the North Sea, experiencing its lands and gifts together and witnessing the beauty of the northern lights regularly on Eivor's boat. :)

And for the 7292649391638th time, these two bitches fall in-love AGAIN

#this delirium post brought to you by my 20th hour in the Denver airport #this may or may not be based on a true story happening literally right now #I think I'm hallucinating at this point #when was the last time I slept? like 48 hours ago? #I didn't even get to see the stupid demon horse #randivor #eivor x randvi #randvi x eivor #randvi #eivor varinsdottir #eivor varinsdóttir #eivor wolfkissed #ac valhalla #assassins creed valhalla #ac: valhalla #assassin's creed valhalla #I'm legit about to crumble into dust #this arctic cyclone is a great way to start the holidays #I'm going to vibrate into another DIMENSION

[storm-of-feathers]

oh my god @ my body are you kidding me

#i have slept for like 2 hours in the last 48 why the HELL am i having an issue rn. #i typically have a harder time sleeping when im Not Home but its not usually this bad #and in circumstances like oh idk Awake Forever its a bit mitigated #i had a redbull 12 hours ago maybe thats it idfk

[little-tainted-angel]

๑ A secret between interlinked fingers.

Tim Drake x male!reader

Category: [Fluff/sfw/comical(?)]

Warnings: 5/5 bat-bros (Dick, Jason, Tim, Duke and Damian), male reader. Mention of Cassandra. 4/5 bat-bros don't believe Tim could go to therapy at all (I doubt any of them would). Reader uses Spanish pet names. May be too OOC.

Request: Yes / No | From: Anon.

«Hey! Could you please write Tim Drake x reader? Basically Tim is secretly dating a guy and they nostly hang out at school, his brother's get a bit too curious and listen in <3»

Note: My first request! Glad to have you here <3 I apologize if this isn't linked to your ask, Tumblr for some reason wouldn't let me edit it. I only had the options "delete" "program publication" and "post". Also, sorry this is short and if I got the characters personality wrong, I don't really know how to write Tim.

Resume: Tim and reader are dating, but they mostly just spend time in their school. His brothers got curious, and since all of them were raised by the world's best detective, is up to them to resolve the mystery that is Tim's relationship.

"I swear there's something strange in the kid's behavior," Jason muttered as he sat down on the couch, next to Damian while Duke was sitting on the other extreme. Dick was standing in front of them.

The four brothers (Cass also noticed, but Cass being Cass had already found out what it was), noticed that the brother —that was currently disappeared from the manor— had slight changes in his behavior.

It was sort of positive, they noticed. But they didn't know what caused it (therapy was discarded as an option by group agreement).

"Maybe he's self-improving for once?" Duke suggested, though he didn't sound convinced himself.

"TT. Doubt that Drake of all people could self-improve his pathetic self," Damian rolled his eyes.

"Damian, be nice," Dick sighed, looking at one of his baby brothers.

"Well, there must be a reason of why this small change." Jason crossed his arms.

"...And if we follow him to find out the reason?" Duke suggested.

"Wouldn't he notice?" Dick raised an eyebrow.

"It won't hurt giving it a try," he shrugged.

"I say we do it. What can end up wrong?" Jason pointed out.

￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣🌸￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

"All of this is ridiculous," Damian murmured.

"You agreed to it Habibi," Jason hummed, making Damian click his tongue.

The brothers managed to follow Tim to his school. That was the moment they noticed a male getting closer to Tim with a smile.

You were a new addition, they quickly realized. As they had never seen you before with Tim. And Tim seemed at ease with you.

"A boy?" Dick said amused. "That's the cause for Tim's subtle change?"

Don't get him wrong, his baby brother can date whoever he wants. He was just surprised Tim changed because of someone else.

"Who is dumb enough to be interested in him?" Damian replied, clearly not believing what he was seeing.

"That guy we just saw, apparently," Duke hummed.

ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩ

"Everything okay, Amor?" You asked Tim, as he seemed to be slightly on edge.

"Yeah...I just feel like someone's watching me." Tim replied, sighing as he left his head rest on your shoulder. He was tired, you could tell.

You hummed softly as one hand came to brush his hair out of his face.

"When did you last slept?" You asked him, quietly enough for no one else to hear you.

Tim grumbled quietly, avoiding the question.

"Cariño, when did you last slept?" You asked again with a small sigh.

"...48 hours ago?"

"Tim."

"You asked."

"Do I have to drug you for you to sleep properly?" You murmured, gently massaging his scalp.

"Mmm....maybe," Tim replied back, closing his eyes as he left you touch his hair.

"What am I supposed to do with you, Amor?"

"Love me," Tim replied.

"I already do that, it's easy," you said amused.

Tim grumbled some sort of answer that you couldn't process.

"Yeah, you're definitely sleep deprived, Amor."

￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

© Made by little-tainted-angel 2023

#dc x male reader #tim drake #tim drake x reader #tim drake x male reader #dc x reader #batfamily #batfam #jason todd #dick grayson #damian wayne #duke thomas #cassandra cain #reader #male reader

[bluehourbucky]

coming home

pairing: Marc Spector x reader /Steven Grant

summary: Marc is yet to come home and you're worried

-[main]- [moonkinght]-

_______________________________________

Steven never talks about the stuff about business with Khonshu and what he has to do, Marc is the same way. You know that they're protecting you but you can't help but worry every time he's out there for longer than planned.

Like right now.

Marc promised that he would come back in a week, but he didn't, and it it's been two days without any contact. To say you were worried was an understatement. Usually, when this stuff happened, he would let you know.

It's Monday, 2am he should've been back over 48 hours ago.

Steven is currently on a plane going back home, he doesn't remember much, but with the fact that Marc doesn't remember much either could only mean it was bad. He wanted to call you as soon as he started fronting but being on a plane, with a broken phone was making it impossible.

"they're worried." Marc says and Steven looks at his reflection in the plane window.

"as if I don't know that." Steven whispers not wanting other people to hear him.

"you look like shit."

Steven rolls his eyes and then closes them he's so tired and he genuinely does not remember the last time he slept.

Steven wakes up when the pilot announces that they are landing, he's not sure if he had a bag or not, he does find his passport.

By the time he gets to the front door it's already 6am, that's when Marc decides he'd like to front for this.

He slowly opens the door not wanting to wake you up. Marc is immediately pulled into a hug only seconds after entering the apartment.

"I thought you were dead. Don't ever do this again." you sob into Marc's shoulder.

"I'm sorry baby. I'm really sorry. I'm right here."

"Marc what happened I was so worried. I tried calling you and I tried calling Steven's phone and I couldn't reach you and I- I-" you try to take breath but you can't.

"Breathe baby. I know I'm sorry. I wish I called you but I don't remember anything for the last 3 days neither does Steven. We don't know. And the phones, well." Marc pulls out a set of broken phones that don't even look like they could be fixed.

That's when you notice the bruise on his left cheek and the way he's standing. He's hurt.

You gently lift his hands just to see how bruised knuckles are, there's dried blood on his collar bone, this isn't how usually he comes home. Usually, the suit protects him and there's no blood and he is mostly healed. Whatever happend was really bad.

"Come let's take a shower." you wipe your tears and pull Marc with you to the shower.

Not that there's enough place in the shower for both of you, but you manage. The warm water falls down Marc's body, and you start cleaning him up. He's uncharacteristically quiet, but you don't mind, just worry. When you start washing his hair, you can tell that Steven is about to front, so you give him a second to compose.

"Hey love." Steven says softly, looking into your eyes, he appreciates that Marc wants him to experience you taking care of him too.

"Hi, you okay?" you ask after giving his shoulder a gentle kiss.

"With you my love, always." Steven's words make you chuckle, he's such a sap. He sighs contentedly.

"How's Gus the third?"

"Much better than you." you reply quickly.

Steven laughs and pulls you into a hug.

"I missed you, love." his head buried in your shoulder, holding you as close as possible. You can tell he's tired and you, for a fact, know that he doesn't know when he last slept a full night.

"Thank you." Steven, thanks you, and you shake your head.

"No need to thank me. Just- just please, next time try to call. I know it's not your fault, but I was so scared, Steven." you're holding tightly to his shirt, looking at him.

"I'll do my best, darling, but I can't promise you that." he says sadly and you nodd.

"I love you." Steven tells you and you say it back and lead him to the bed.

It doesn't matter that it's already 8am on a Monday morning neither of you have slept.

You cuddle up, close your head on Steven chest, your hand drawing circles on his other arm that's not holding your waist. It takes you less than five minutes to fall asleep due to exhaustion.

When you wake up, it's already 5pm.

"Morning?" you smile looking up at Marc, you can tell who it is by the way you're held, the placement is always different.

Marc smiles at you, he pulls you up so you're completely on top him his hand making his way under your shirt, scratching your back.

"You know I was scared too. I thought I was going to die and I would've left without saying goodbye."

"Marc.." you sit up straddling him and hold his face.

"You shouldn't have to wait for me, worrying if I'll come back or not. You don't deserve that."

"Marc, I will wait for you as long as you need me to. I'm doing this because I love you. I don't need you to protect me from that. I want you with everything you are."

"No use for me telling you that you're free to leave whenever it gets to much?" Marc wants you to know that if you couldn't take it anymore that you have an out.

"You're not getting rid of me so easily. I'm here to stay as long as you want me."

"Love you."

"Love you more"

_________________________________________

[The End]

likes comments and reblogs are appreciated <3

#steven grant fluff #steven grant one shot #steven grant x reader #marc spector x reader #marc spector fluff #marc spector #steven grant #moon knight x reader #moon knight #marvel imagine

[gothicflowers]

John Price x GN!firefighter!Reader

Hang Up The Coat

Umm so this is extremely self indulgent (I’m using Price to cope instead of facing the reality of my job)

Warnings: mentions of death, alcoholism, firefighter reader. SFW.

John had returned last night from his deployment to an empty home. Bottles scattered around, Piles of laundry from the past month. He knew it was getting bad but it seemed to have gotten worse in his absence. He didn’t know how to have the talk that needed to happen but you seemed to be on the edge of breaking and he’d be damned to let you get near it.

It was 07:13 in this morning and he had already polished the house clean. The was no evidence that anything was even remotely wrong. To price it was important to help you get better. Even if that meant waking up at 4AM to clean the house so you could relax when you got off shift. Working 48 hours consecutively absolutely exhausted you and he wanted to make sure you could have his undivided attention.

You had a habit of going full housewife when he was home. Cooking, cleaning and tending to his every need. Despite your families disappointment of getting a male dominated job you still can’t get rid of the traditional values you where raised to uphold. Your adoration for John was undeniable even after all these years. In a way you left that your life purpose was to serve him. And John lived his life to serve you, when he wasn’t at work the soldier in him melted away to reveal a kind hearted man with a love for his wife and board games.

He finally heard your car door shut in the driveway. He practically ran to the door to great you like a puppy. Opening the door you were greeted with a brown haired man with his hair pulled back and a smile plastered on his face. He was home a week earlier to your surprise.

“My love I missed you”

He pulls you into a deep kiss. His strong hands cradling your small head as he kissed you. The tears he hadn’t noticed poured into his hands.

“No, no, baby what’s wrong?”

You sniffled and handed him the paper that you hoped would say something different. Instead it read the same as all the times before.

Hello,

Thank you for applying for the lieutenant position. We regret to inform you that you were not selected this round. While you held the necessary certificates and training requirements the promotion committee believes you should improve as a member of the brotherhood before any further promotions. We appreciate your time and dedication in the selection process.

Thank you,

Chief

“Darling im so sorry”

He pulled you into a deep hug. His musk engulfs your senses. He’s been gone for three long lonely months. No contact with you per 141 policy. The isolation is suffocating. All your friends had moved on with life and left you behind so you were completely alone. The letter wasn’t helping with the sense of adulthood failure.

“I’m so tired, of this constant struggle to be enough”

“Maybe it’s time to consider other options”

His soft voice was afraid of what you’d say next.

“But it’s what I was made for. All these year and to just be done?!”

John felt a ping in his heart because he knew his honest words would still sting.

“Love you don’t need your job to be your purpose in life”

That’s when you began the real breakdown.

“But it’s what I’ve been doing since I was 18. I don’t know anything else, I’m stuck, but I love the job too much to quit. It’s like asking you to leave 141.”

You never intended to be a firefighter. It just kinda happened. That bright eyed rookie that was full of energy had been burned to pieces years ago. Your friends always told you that working a 48 hour shift must be so nice because you have so much time off. In reality you came home and slept for a few hours after the never ending late night 911 calls and days filled with the general public yelling at you for not being fast enough, cold dinners, washing bio hazards of your boots.

At home waking up to deal with the mental toll of the job and making yourself a glass of whiskey to ease your mind, only to overdo it and end up passed out on the kitchen floor.

The department you worked for always peached “brotherhood” but no matter how hard you worked you still remained an outside. Constantly getting pulled into the chiefs office for “not showing enough dedication”. They never recognized the extra effort you put in. The endless charity events you organized, overtime, teaching classes. Going to extra training classes eating away at your days off. Countless trainings out of town when your husband was home from deployment. None of it mattered to them. Never good enough.

Promotion time came and went again, this was round four of applying for promotion. Yet again missing out on becoming a lieutenant because you don’t fit into any of the clicks. You didn’t golf with the ranked officers on your days off. You didn’t get invited to the cookouts. They always said promotion was based off performance but the five newest officers proved that to be false. Lazy, arrogant, fat men had moved up while you stayed at the bottom. If you wanted to move up you needed to be one of the boys. How?

“It’s never enough for them is it” John has said just loud enough to be a whisper.

John was tired of seeing you get kicked around. It angered him more than you’ll ever know. He always stood by your side when things got hard. You had made it your goal to get promoted to lieutenant before you started trying for a family. John was never going to tell you but he has growing slightly impatient. He wanted you to spend your days happy, kids running around while he cooks breakfast and you sleep in. Not coming home pretending that you didn’t witness another overdose before breakfast and help the corenor bag another young person took far too soon before bed.

You barely had energy to kiss him when you got home. Your mental health had plummeted, your new hobby was drinking and screaming at the walls. Stumbling around with music blasting. You didn’t care about anything, and when you wanted to talk about something you turned it into an argument over nothing. The five foot nothing angel he fell in love with eight years ago was barely recognizable in you. The man that never wanted you to know pain, death, loneliness felt helpless.

But for whatever reason he still loved you. He recalls a time before you met when he was this way in the military, before 141. Angry at the world, doing his best with a bottle in his hand. He only realized he needed a change when he was given the option to stay or start 141. He chose to leave the bottle.

“Love maybe… maybe it’s time to close this chapter” he was gentle saying it as best as he could. He knew how much it hurt for you to hear it. But he knew you better than to let you keep being destructive. He could see the internal conflict within yourself behind the tears in your eyes.

“Then what do I do? I know what I want out of life but I just feel like I’ll lose part of myself if I stop”

“Do you think you’ll lose a part of yourself, or has the part of you that’s tired of pushing has turned into rage?”

“It’s turned from rage to sorrows. And I’m tired of being pushed around. And I’m tired of not being good enough… and…”

“And what love”

“I don’t want you to think less of me for calling it quits when you’ve always stood by be though it all. I want to go back to how I was to you. I’m so sorry I’ve neglected you for so long”

“Oh love you’ll always and forever be my strong angell. I would never think of you differently for quitting. You did such a good job and I know they don’t see it but I know. I will always know my wife fought hard. And I just want you to get better and I’m happy you want to. But I can’t let you keep hurting yourself like this”

“Then I think… I’m ready to hand up my coat.”

“Then that’s what you will do”

He gently kissed your lips and wiped away your tears.

He had a soft reassuring smile. He knew this was going to be a hard process for you but the job was eating you alive and you knew it too.

“Would you like me to help you write your letter of resignation?” His hands still holding your delicate face while his eyes looked down with love.

“I would love that”

#call of duty #captain john price #flowerwrites #john price #john price smut #captain john price x reader #captain johnathan price #captain price smut #captain price x reader #captain price #john price x you #price x y/n #john price cod #john price x reader

[albertasunrise]

Oops Baby - Broken Heart

Masterlist

Summary: Being best friends with Frankie meant movie nights, drinks with the guys and a shoulder to cry on when you got your hear broken. He is head over heels for you but you don’t feel the same… yet a drunken mistake will tie your lives together forever!

Relationships: Frankie Morales x Reader

Warnings: Like AO3 I choose to give none. Read at own risk. 18+ (I apologise in advance for this trip you're about to take 😬)

Series Masterlist - Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Frankie needs a transplant.

Those words had been circling in your head from the moment the doctor had uttered them. He was in severe heart failure and only a new heart was going to save him. They could control it with medication. But there was only so much time he could live like that before his time was up. So now he was on a waiting list.

A long waiting list.

You were sitting at his bedside as he slept. The machines whirring around him letting everyone know that he was still here. Still breathing. It had been a few days since he'd collapsed. He'd spent 48 hours in an induced coma before they'd finally brought him around again and after another long, gruelling day, he'd opened his eyes and smiled at you.

Mary had been there whenever she could. Fussing over him in every way she could. Marking her territory and making sure you knew that Frankie was hers and that when this was over, it wouldn't be you he’d be with.

The Miller brothers had also been by most days to see him but Benny was the one that struggled to keep himself together whenever he was around his friend.

You were a little shocked that they discharged Frank after two weeks in the hospital. He had, more or less, died two weeks prior. So for him to be discharged with a new mix of meds and instructions not to do anything too strenuous seemed to be a little crazy to you.

You had agreed all those months ago that he would move in with you for a while when the baby was born so now seemed as good a time as any. He was weak in his first few days out but as the days went by, he got a little stronger each and every day. You had to learn how to accept the fact that Mary was now a constant in your life. It was clear that she wasn't happy that Frank was not staying with you and not her. You couldn't even start to understand how she must feel having to share the man she cared for with a woman who was about to have said man's baby. It was a mess.

She never outwardly made you feel like you were a burden to her and Frank but you knew you were. You were getting in their way and you were more and more conscious of that the more time you spent with them. She never stayed the night but she certainly made sure she spent as much time as she could with him. Fussing over him when he was having a hard day and cooking dinner for him almost every night. You hated how she had so consciously inserted herself into your situation without any thought for how it might be affecting you.

And Frankie said nothing.

He just wanted to keep the peace. To weak and tired to argue with Mary but the truth was he was getting fed up with her mollycoddling. He wanted to spend some time with you. He wanted to just enjoy these last few weeks with you until your daughter made her entrance. But as the days merged into weeks, she didn't back off. Then before either of you knew what hit you… You were staring down the barrel of your due date.

3 days to go.

Mary was puttering around in your kitchen as she prepared lunch. Another meal she'd found that was supposed to help keep Frankie healthy. Well as healthy as he could be despite needing a new heart. You were sat on the couch, rubbing your swollen belly as you watched her move from beneath your sundress.

"So I was thinking that we could maybe go out this weekend." She piped up as she started to dish the food up onto two plates "Get out out and about."

"It's Titch's due date this weekend Mary." Frankie groaned "We can't be going anywhere for a while."

"No… Right… Of course." She muttered as she picked up the plates and placed one on the table in front of Frank before placing the other down and sitting "Just thought it would be nice to spend some time together before the baby comes and steals you away from me." She chuckled as she dug into her food.

"All we do is spend time together." He muttered, eyes his plate of food before his eyes drifted to the counter "Didn't you make some for Titch?"

"She's so picky with her food." Mary shrugged "I just assumed that she'd make herself something."

"She's 9 months pregnant Mary!" Frank scolded.

"It's fine Frank." You piped up as you waddled into the kitchen "I have leftover pasta I can eat." You said as you opened the fridge and grabbed the plate of leftover Mac and cheese from the other night.

"Let me sort that for you." He said upon noticing that you were struggling to stay on your feet.

"I'm okay Frank." You assured him as you held onto the counter to aid your walk to the microwave.

"No, you're not…" Fish trailed off as he got up and swooped to your aid "Go sit… I'll sort this for you."

"Your food's getting cold Frankie." Mary piped up and Frank felt his blood boil.

"It'll be fine." He snapped at her before helping you over to a seat at the table.

"You shouldn't be overexerting yourself." Mary stated as she watched Fish practically carry you to the table "Remember what the doctor said-"

"I know what the doctor said and helping the mother of my child sit is not over-exerting myself." He growled, "Now shut up and eat your food."

Both you and Mary were a little taken aback by his sudden change of tone. Her green eyes started to fill with tears as she nodded at him a returned her attention to the food on her plate. Frankie felt a twinge of guilt at snapping at her but he was tired. After sorting your food and eating his own, he helped you up to your bedroom so you could take a nap. The last few days of this pregnancy zapping you of all your energy.

And that left him alone with Mary.

"I'm sorry for snapping." He said as he walked into the kitchen to see her finishing off the dishes "You just need to understand that Titch and I are having a baby and she needs my help right now."

"I get that Frank." She sighed as she gripped the counter and let her head fall forward "But you need to understand how much it hurts to know that I won't get to be the person to experience all this for the first time with you."

"What do you?…"

"I mean that I love you, Francisco!" She groaned as she finally turned to face him "And it's killing me that I won't get to be the woman to give you your first child. That it won't be me you get to experience all those firsts with… It'll be here."

"Mary-"

"And she doesn't even deserve it!" She shrieked "She broke your heart, Frank. Took it and stomped on it and yet she gets to have this with you."

"She made a mistake." Fish sighed "We were drunk and she was feeling shitty and the more I think about it… the more I realise that I took just as much advantage of her as she did of me!"

"Frankie-"

"I need you to back off a bit." He piped up, wincing at the heartbroken expression that then filled her features but it had to be said "We are literally just about to become parents and I need to focus on her for a while."

"What about you?" She asked and his brows furrowed "Who's going to take care of you?"

"I'll be okay." He tried to reassure her but she scoffed.

"You need a new heart, Frank!" She growled "You are so far from okay."

"I know that." He groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose as he squeezed his eyes shut "I appreciate everything you do for me but baby I need to prioritise her and my baby right now. You told me you would be okay with this when we first talked about this!"

"I did!… And I do it's just… I just love you okay."

"I know." Frankie said softly as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close "We will get through this I promise." He whispered against her brow as he pressed a kiss there "But I need you to just give us some space okay?"

She nodded, knocking a few tears free.

"Okay." She said letting out a stuttered breath.

"This isn't us breaking up okay?" He assured her "This is just me focusing on my baby okay."

"Okay."

…

You were slow getting down the stairs. Having to stop halfway to the kitchen to take a breather. When you finally made it, you found Frankie standing at the stove stirring the most mouthwatering-smelling sauce.

"What'cha cooking?" You asked as you waddled to his side.

"Homemade Turkey meatballs with a tomato sauce." He replied as he looked over his shoulder to smile at you "Thought seeing as all you're craving these days is pasta… You wouldn't mind more of it."

"Mmmm, daddy's too good to mummy." You cooed as you lowered your face a little to talk to your bump.

Frank's heart skipped a beat at your statement, his eyes widening a little as he watched you rub your belly.

"Where's Mary?" You asked, snapping him out of whatever reverie he was in.

"She uh… Well, we had a chat earlier and she's agreed to give us some time. She was getting a little-"

"Much?" You interjected and he chuckled.

"Yeah." He replied before returning his attention to the sauce "She meant well."

"I know." You replied as you gave his arm a friendly squeeze before waddling over to the kitchen table "Just wish we'd had a little more time to enjoy these last few weeks together."

"Enjoy them how?" Fish chuckled as he glanced at you.

"I dunno… Start sorting the baby's room. Organising the drawers and choosing a name. That sort of thing."

It suddenly dawned on Frankie that you and he hadn't had a chance to sit and discuss potential names for the little girl who was due any day. He was hit with an immense wave of guilt at the realisation that he had been neglecting you and his baby. Sure he'd been sick but he had been neglecting you long before his heart attack. He needed to do better by you.

"Why don't we do that tonight?" He stated, grabbing your attention.

"Do what?"

"All that stuff you mentioned. We can get the clothes done then sit and read through that book of baby names my mum sent."

"Oh.. the 'Spanish Baby Names' Booked she mailed you literally a month after we told her?" You chuckled and he grinned.

"Yeah… That one!" He grinned at you and you smiled warmly at him.

"Sounds like a plan."

So that's exactly what you did.

You ate the wonderful dinner Frank had prepared for you. Sorted the baby's outfits into the chest of drawers he and Ben had assembled for you just before his incident and then sat down on the couch, giggling at some of the names you came across.

"What about Leticia?" Frank asked and you snorted "What's wrong with that one?"

"It sounds like Lettuce!" You chuckled "We can call her Leticia Salad Morales."

Frank's heart practically stopped at the mention of his daughter taking his last name. That also wasn't something either of you had discussed. He had hoped you'd give his daughter his name but he hasn't wanted to push the subject.

"Okay well… have you seen any you like?"

"Hmmm… Let's see." You said as you flicked back a few pages "What about Mercedes?"

"Pass!"

"Why?"

"Because I went to school with a girl called Mercedes and she is now an escort!" He stated plainly and your jaw dropped.

"Okay… No to Mercedes." You replied before looking back a few more "What about Esmeralda?" You asked and Frankie's eyes widened "Esme for short."

"I uh… I…" He was lost for words.

Something you mistook for embarrassment.

"Nevermind we can-"

"It's perfect!" He interrupted, stopping you in your tracks "I love it."

"You do?" You grinned at him and he nodded, smiling wildly.

"Yeah." He confirmed as he placed his hand on your bump and leaned in close "How about you Emse? You like the name?" He chuckled as he felt the baby shift under his palm "I think she likes it." He said as he looked up at you, freezing in place when your gazes locked.

The air seemed to crackle as the two of you looked at each other with such intensity that the air seemed to be sucked from the room. Neither one of you could be entirely sure who made the first move, but the next thing you knew the two of you were kissing each other breathless as Frank pulled you to straddle his lap. You groaned at how your huge bump seemed to get in the way of your core seeking the relief it needed and upon noticing this, Frankie's deft fingers slipped into your shorts and started to circle your aching clit.

The moan that slipped from your lips was bordering on pornographic. His fingers pushing into your core had you screaming his name as your hips rocked in an attempt to gain more friction.

"Fuck Frankie." You whined as you felt yourself hurtling towards your release.

"Cum for me Hermosa." He purred "Let Papi make mummy feel good."

That statement was all it took to send you hurtling over the edge. You came with a cry, panting against Frankie's lips as you smiled sweetly at him.

"That was… Wow…" You panted and Frank smiled sweetly at you.

"Glad I could help." He chuckled "Do you wanna?…"

He left the question open but you knew what he meant. You nodded before letting him help you to your feet. Smiling as he kissed you deeply before pulling you in the direction of the bedrooms.

"Oh!…" You gasped, stopping in your tracks as you looked down to see the small puddle that had formed at your feet.

"What?" Frankie asked as he looked back at you, his eyes then following yours and widening at what he saw "Did you?… Did your?…"

"I think my waters broke." You gasped, looking up at him with eyes the size of saucers "I think our baby's coming." You grinned at him and he chuckled as he cupped your cheek and pulled you in for a kiss so sweet you could practically taste it.

"Great timing baby girl." He chuckled as he looked down at your bump before returning his gaze to you "You ready?"

"Definitely."

…

Frank wiped your brow as you collapsed on the bed, panting as you readied yourself to push again. Tears stained your cheeks as you looked up and Frankie, your whole body shaking with the effort of pushing your child into the world.

"You're doing so well sweetheart." He said sweetly as he looked down at you and kissed your brow.

"Right one more big push for me." Stated the doctor, pointing at you when it was time and cheering you on as you pushed like your life depended on it "She's here!" The doctor announced and then the room was filled with the wailing cries of your newborn daughter.

"She's here sweetheart." Frankie sobbed "She's here and she's perfect."

"Mmmm." You replied, unable to string a sentence together and unable to keep your eyes open.

"Titch?" Frankie said as he shook your shoulder and then suddenly alarms started to blare "What's happening?" He asked panicked as he was pulled back.

"She's haemorrhaging." Stated the doctor "We need to get her into surgery!"

Frank was dragged from the room as it erupted into chaos.

…

Ben's knee bounced nervously as he sat there with his brother waiting on news of the new member of the group. He couldn't believe that there was going to be a baby. That he was going to be Uncle Benny!

"You think she's here yet?" He asked his brother as he looked nervously at the clock.

"I'm sure we'll hear news soon."

They both sat up straighter when they saw Frankie step into view. Both Millers stood in unison as they studied their friend and noted that he wasn't smiling.

"Is she?…"

"Esmerelda's here." He said, a small smile gracing his lips "She's perfect!"

"What's wrong?" Will asked and Frankie sobbed, throwing his head into his hands as he allowed his emotions to flow freely.

"Is Titch okay?" Ben asked, his blue eyes filling with tears.

"She's in surgery." Frankie managed to force out.

"Is she going to be okay?" Ben all but whispered, his knees going weak when Frankie looked up at him with bloodshot eyes and tearstained cheeks.

"I don't know." Fish replied as he shook his head.

Ben didn't stop the tears then. He had come to consider you his best friend. The sister his parents never graced him with and now he was facing the possibility that he would never see you again. That idea that he might never get to see your smile or hear your laugh again, killed him.

"I don't know." Frankie repeated as his hand went to his chest.

"Frank?… You okay?" Will asked, managing to grab the man in time before he hit the ground.

Then everything went dark.

Next

For updates follow @albertasunrise-ficsblog

#frankie morales × reader #frankie morales × you #frankie 'catfish' morales #frankie morales fanfiction #frankie morales triple frontier #francisco morales triple frontier #francisco morales × you #francisco morales fanfiction #francisco morales #francisco morales × reader #triple frontier x you #triple frontier × reader #triple frontier fanfiction #triple frontier #pedro pascal character fanfiction #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal

[multifandomtrashwritings]

Pros & Cons of laboratory mishaps (Pt 2)

Dottore x Fem! Reader (NSFW)

That first encounter with Dottore was almost a month ago now, and Beta had told you last check in that the next time you came in Dottore had an experimental potion he was going to have you try. Supposedly it was the first step in a potion to stop life force draining and increased your stamina.

In any case the lab was much busier than normal when you entered that morning, with all the segments and Dottore himself present. Beta waved you over to him near the centre of the lab where he was next to Dottore and when you reached the to you could see the frustration on Dottore’s face.

“Here’s the potion, take the whole dose now, then come past and grab another dose tonight. I need you to note any changes for 48 hours from now.” Dottore says curtly, handing over a vial of translucent blue fluid and stalking off to where Delta and Omega were arguing over something they were supposed to be synthesizing together.

When you shoot Beta a confused look he just shrugs his shoulders. “Prime found some unknown ancient potion recipe in a new shipment from a recently discovered Khaenri'ahan ruin. Apparently, it’s interesting enough to divert resources to recreating right away.”

He gestures at the chaotic state of the lab. “Hence the chaos. Not to mention that Delta and Omega seem to be at each other’s throats constantly this week.” Beta sighs and shakes his head again looking at you expectantly as he waits for you to take the potion.

“Oh.” You mumble as you remember the vial in your hand and quickly down the whole thing.

The taste isn’t very nice, but it’s at least tolerable and doesn’t make you gag. After a moment you speak to Beta. “I don’t feel any different yet… Am I supposed to train and see if I get less tired?”

Beta shakes his head at your question “No, not this time. Just stay in your room and see how much later than normal you get tired. This is only the first iteration, so we don’t expect much to happen.” Beta looks over to Dottore as he tries to get Delta and Omega to stop fighting.

“Anyway, you should go before something gets thrown at you by accident. Epsilon knows you’re being assigned to stay in your room, so expect a visit from him at some stage.” Beta says, amusement evident in his voice.

All the segments thought it amusing that the youngest was so taken with you, but you’d worked out that they were all glad for it considering none of them had any interest in looking after the boy, and he was still a child so he couldn’t be left alone in the lab. With a nod to Beta, you turn and quickly exit the lab, eager to get to your room quickly lest there be any unpleasant side effects to the potion.

Luckily there isn’t and Epsilon does indeed come keep you company, dragging along a large old textbook he’d been reading and making you go through it with him. The book was a guide to preforming autopsies, but Epsilon was more interested in it than he’d ever be a typical children’s book. Eventually evening comes and you escort Epsilon back to the labs, needing to pick up your second dose anyway. It’s quieter this time when you enter, only Dottore, Omega and Alpha present this time. Epsilon walks off through the door in the side of the lab that you know leads to another private section of the lab, and everyone’s rooms. Dottore looks up from his desk as you approach and gestures to another vial of translucent liquid. As you pick it up you could swear the colour isn’t the same, this one looks more blue-green than the deep blue of the one earlier. But you’re not going to say anything to Dottore especially when he looks like he hasn’t slept in days and is waiting expectantly for you to take it so he can have the vial back. After downing the potion as requested Dottore takes the vial back and goes back to ignoring you, a silent dismissal. You’re not going to push your luck, despite your more compassionate side wanting to say something about the harbinger’s exhaustion. You barely know the man, and such comments would be unappreciated, so you mentally scold yourself and exit the lab as silently as you’d came, preparing yourself for the possibility of an all-nighter should the potion work well.

Sometime after you’d left Dottore takes a potion himself, meant to force him to fall asleep so he could rest without unpleasant dreams, he realizes with irritation after he has already taken it that one of the segments had moved the vials made today around and instead of his sleeping potion, he’s taken a dose of the ‘Soulmate Potion’ that had been discovered recently, and so had you… With a silent curse he finds the potion he was supposed to take, but he can’t shake the feeling it won’t work tonight. With a mental note to find out who messed with the vials he makes his way to his private quarters, resigning himself to making the most of the slip up and documenting any effects he experiences. He can just take any of your observations tomorrow as ones for the ‘Soulmate Potion’ rather than his stamina one.

You don’t feel any different until long after the sun has set, it’s reached the time where you would normally be falling asleep and yet you feel fully awake still. You jot this down in the small notebook you’d gotten for observations and stretch. Figuring that if you’re going to be up all night then a late shower wouldn’t hurt, you move to gather a nice warm set of lounge wear and head into the small ensuite attached to your room, intent on using the fact that you’d be up late anyways to have a more ‘relaxing’ shower than you normally would.

At the same time Dottore has reached his bedroom and sinks onto the mattress, staring up at the ceiling with an annoyed expression as he stews over the horrible day he’s had. Omega and Delta didn’t get along on the best of days, but their insistence on fighting over everything today had been nothing short of exhausting. As much as the segments were unique scientific tools and a useful extra set of hands, he did wish they would just get along, even just tolerating each other consistently would be fine. Not to mention progress regarding replicating that woman’s mysterious reaction to the delusion was frustratingly slow, what was her name… Y/N He thinks, he only knows it due to the regular updates from Beta. Apparently, the segments all enjoyed her company, which was interesting since they never all agreed on anything. But it was the one thing he didn’t have to worry about delegating since they all silently covered each other when it came to her regular tests. So he wasn’t going to complain. The thought of Y/N brings his attention back to that ancient potion, the so called ‘Soulmate Potion’. The Tsaritsa had taken an interest in the potion when it was first discovered, probably due to being the Archon of Love even if she wouldn’t appear to fit that title now. But he was sceptical, a simple potion being enough to somehow connect you with your soulmate? And that’s assuming ‘Soulmates’ are even a thing, the fate of vision holders being held in Teyvat’s fake sky was one thing, but to be ‘assigned’ a person that was supposed to complete you seemed even more outlandish to Dottore. And even if such a thing existed, he doubted he’d have one since ‘Fate’ was never kind to him. He lays there on his bed in his own thoughts for a while, thinking through hypothetical effects of this mysterious potion, and oddly enough his thoughts keep drifting back to Y/N. How odd he’d never paid her any mind before, at most she was an interesting specimen due to her unique reaction to her delusion. But why was he thinking about her as a person?

Before Dottore has too much time to think it over he jolts up at the feeling of a hand on his head. He swings around but unsurprisingly no one’s there, and as he looks around the feeling comes again, and there definitely no one present to cause it, how interesting. The phantom hands run through his hair as if it was untying a ponytail, which was clearly intended for hair much longer than his own due to the way the hands would run past where his own hair stopped but he could still feel the tug at his scalp of hair being untangled. It was odd and unnerving, and Dottore assumed this must be the work of this ‘Soulmate Potion’. So it makes you feel your soulmate’s touch?

Interesting, but not quite as intriguing as the whole idea of him having a soulmate in the first place. Dottore just sits on the side of his bed with a journal in his lap, jotting down observations about the experience in order to not miss anything, and definitely not to avoid confronting the idea of having someone out there ‘made’ for him.

After a moment the hands move from his head, tugging at his body in way he assumes must be them undressing. He ignores the sudden appearance of a thought of what his soulmates body would look like and forces himself to focus solely on the potion’s effects. After the strange tugging stops, he’s hit with a sudden wave of warmth, one he recognizes as a hot shower. So, he can not only feel when they touch their body but seemingly any sensation they feel.

The sensation of a hot shower without the actual water is odd, but not unpleasant. What really makes him realize just how intimate the potions effects were was when his soulmate begins to wash themselves, and he can feel every glide of the sponge or towel over his skin. Thankfully they start with their arms and he has time to get used to the sensation, his face growing increasingly red as they get closer to the area he’s the most nervous about what will happen.

He tries to focus on the fact that they wash themselves firmly, perhaps exfoliating? In any case it results in a feeling similar to a massage, his weary muscles relaxing as the phantom hands of his soulmate move methodically over his arms, then his chest and back, then each leg and there’s a pause.

Dottore wasn’t a woman, which he’d come to the conclusion his soulmate was, but surely they still had to wash there? Just as the confusion hits the sensation he was nervous about comes and it’s much less intense than he’d been worried it would be. Perhaps due to the difference in their anatomy there?

Whatever the case Dottore was able to relax slightly, though not fully as the odd sensation of phantom hands swiftly cleaning between his legs comes and goes. After his soulmate is fully washed he doesn’t know what to expect. In his case he’d be out of the shower now, unless he had to wash his hair. But he knew some people had ridiculously long shower routines, would his soulmate be more like himself? Or fall to the other side of the spectrum.

It did intrigue him to find out what he could about his soulmate from just feeling what they can feel, he did enjoy drawing conclusions from incomplete data. And he’d be interested to know how accurate his hypotheses would be once he meets his soulmate, however he goes about that. But no matter, that was a problem for the future, for right now he was enjoying a phantom scalp massage as his soulmate washed their hair. It’s as he enjoys the feeling of this massage that he touches himself for the first time, rubbing his eyes as the massage draws out his exhaustion from working non-stop the last week. The phantom hands freeze in his hair, pausing until he stops rubbing his face then continuing tentatively. Oh? Interesting, could his soulmate feel his touch as well? But the potion was supposed to be one way according to his notes, who else would have drunk an ancient potion… Wait, Y/N. He’d accidentally given her a dose too, well it wasn’t his fault but still. This made everything both so much simpler and all the more complicated… But for now, he might just abuse this knowledge a little, after all he deserved it surely? And Y/N has been such a positive influence on his segments, this could count as a ‘reward’ of sorts, no?

As you started rinsing the shampoo out of your hair a strange sensation presses into your face, like someone was rubbing your eyes. But there’s no one here, and your hands are currently frozen in your hair. After a moment the sensation stops, and you chalk it up to some strange effect of the stamina potion, making a note to write it with your other observations when you finish in the shower. You continue to rinse your hair out and as you finish the same kind of feeling comes again, but in a different spot. This time the phantom hands run firmly down your arms, like someone was giving you a comforting pat. As you turned the shower off you try and focus on the feeling, knowing that you should record it all for the segments as you were sure this wasn’t what the potion was supposed to do. The hands definitely weren’t you own, but you couldn’t recognize them as the hands of anyone who’s ever actually touched you. But the feeling had to be coming from somewhere, right? But the hands were large and slightly calloused, and no one with that type of hand had ever rubbed your arms or your eyes. So you were just lost as to the cause or origin of the feeling. But it wasn’t unpleasant, and the hands moved from your arms to your head, parroting the motions you used to wash your hair.

Working out what was happening was not only beyond your pay-grade but also just beyond you period. So you step out of the shower and quickly dry yourself off, putting on the warm clothes you’d set aside, brushing your hair back and flopping into bed, grabbing the notebook to hastily write down as detailed notes as you can to try and describe the odd situation when you inevitably have to tell one of the segments about it tomorrow morning.

As you do this the hands continue to mirror stuff you’d been doing earlier, scrubbing your hair, mimicking the way you’d rub the soap into your face to avoid getting it in your eyes. As you get close to being caught up with your observations the hands do something new, skimming along your collarbone and leaving goosebumps behind them.

“What the fuck..” *You mutter to yourself, tensing as you lay in your bed.

Whatever was controlling these damn hands was getting more confident or potent or whatever applies to the damn things as they what seems to be teasingly skim along across your collarbones, down your sides and onto your stomach. What really makes you jolt though is when the hands run up your stomach and across your breasts. The feeling is slightly off, as if the feeling of the hands running along a flatter surface was just slapped onto your not very flat chest. But it still felt basically the same as if you’d touched your chest yourself, minus the fact that the hands had callouses that added additional, quite pleasant sensations to the action.

You curled your hands into fists, your nails digging into your palms slightly as you tried to decide if this was some strange psychedelic form of masturbation brought upon you by a dodgy potion or if it was just as bizarrely a case of supernatural hands. The hands stilled as your hands clenched tightly and your thoughts raced, and you took it as a sign whatever this was, was solely in your head. And if that was the case, then who were you to deny the strange phantom hands desire for you to enjoy yourself? It had been a while since you had relaxed like this, and the extra set of ‘hands’ was only going to serve to make the whole experience more enjoyable.

As you decide this you relax again, your hands coming out of the tight fists they’d been in and your body losing the tension it had before. As you relax the hands move again, running up and down your torso and making sure to slow as they run over your breasts.

Your breath hitches as the hands flick over your nipples, and your hands shoot up to rest on your thighs. Despite being pretty sure the hands were a figment of your imagination, they refused to do as you asked, and ignored any thoughts you had of things you’d like for them to do.

The thought did cross your mind that you might be dreaming, but the hands flicked your nipples again and a jolt it sent through your body dismissed that theory pretty quickly. You arrived back at the limbo of being unsure if it was just your imagination or some supernatural force, but at this stage the feeling was nice enough that in the off chance it wasn’t just in your head, whatever it was seemed to want to make you feel good, so you decided to stop thinking about it so much and simply enjoy the unbelievable situation you’d found yourself in.

Your hands twitch at your thighs, unsure of if you should do something with you own hands, or just enjoy the phantom hands running along your chest. The hands were now solely circling around your breasts, and you decided it wouldn’t hurt to add your own hands to the equation. As you slowly push your hands under your pants the phantoms hands falter, as if they could feel your own hands inching towards your core, but they quickly resume their movements. After you settle on a rhythm with your own hands one of the ghost hands disappears but soon you feel it alongside your own hands in between your legs, it’s even more disjointed than at your chest, as if movements that didn’t fit with where it was supposed to be were being forced to fit your own body. But at this stage you didn’t care, it still felt as good, no even better than your own hands, and you quickly tumbled over your peak much harder than you had in a long time.

You lay there taking deep breaths as you come down from the high, and the phantom hands remain, soothing along your arms and neck like a lover might for aftercare. The combination of your surprisingly strong release and the confusion led mental tiredness of the whole situation made you suddenly quite sleepy after you’d calmed down, and after a quick duck to the bathroom you collapsed onto your bed and quite quickly fell asleep, the strange hands continuing to stroke your arms the whole while.

This was going to be a nightmare to try and explain tomorrow...

#genshin x reader #dottore x fem!reader #dottore x reader #dottore x you #dottore x y/n #genshin dottore #il dottore

[glitteringxchaos]

@vocalchvrds moved from here

"...hey man...you okay?"

Brow furrowed in concern as he took in the other's appearance, his head cocking slightly and gaze sharpening to study him a little more closely. Shinsou really did look rough. When was the last time he'd slept? Or eaten? Or taken a shower? He looked like he'd just spent the last 48 hours working in a machine shop or something, and he could feel the same worry and concern welling up inside of him as back in high school together. He really needed to take better care of himself, that much was certain.

He knew that most people didn't share his taste for overly sweet drinks - his 'unicorn' concoctions tended to be almost cotton candy in flavor and layered with more sugar in the form of sprinkles and whipped cream - but the fact that Shinsou was actually drinking it was telling all on it's own. He definitely wasn't doing well if he was actually willing to drink the monstrosity Denki had brought him, and the blond moved closer, smoothing his expression into a faint grin to try and help put him at ease.

"I just got here like...a few minutes ago. I swear. Figured since we both have a day off today, we could hang out or something...but you're looking a little rough."

That was putting it mildly, but it wasn't meant as an insult. Just a casual noticing of his current condition. When he saw the way his eyes widened as he sat back and stretched a little, however, his frown returned and he stepped closer, the urge to see if he could help building under his skin and making little sparks of electricity dance along the tips of his fingers for a few seconds. He already knew he could make the stiffness better if Shinsou would let him, and he forced the sparks to die down as he stretched his hands out in offering, fingers wiggling slightly.

"Alright, c'mon man. You're stiffer than a board. How long have you been working on that thing, anyway? Let me help? I've been working really hard on quirk control, and I learned how to do electro-stimulation massages...it'll tingle but it'll make all the tension and strain go away in just a few minutes, I promise. Trust me?"

#Electric Shock Therapy: Denki Kaminari: In Character #Verse: Danger; High Voltage: Main #Hitoshi Shinsou: Lavender Haze

[hamartia-grander]

weird asks: 2, 4, 17, 20, 21, 27, 29, 36, 47. feel free to skip any you've already answered! ✌️ (also, sorry if i sent this twice by accident, my page refreshed and i have no idea if it sent the first time. 🤷‍♂️)

I only got it once, dw! And thank you <333

2. Lighter or matches? Matches. I love striking them, I love watching the flame burn, I love that they don't last.

4. Which cryptyd being do you believe in? I've never really thought about this before, but I agree with @mandofury in that I think the Kraken exists, and other underwater cryptids. I mean in a vast, still mostly unexplored ocean there could be any number of creatures, even some we couldn't imagine. And there are SO many different cultures and regions of the world who have stories of a sea serpent of some kind - the Loch Ness monster of Scotland, the Selma or Seljordsormen lake monster of Norway, the Nahuelito sea monster of Argentina, the Mamlambo lake monster of South Africa, and many more - that there's got to be something like a sea monster cryptyd out there, somewhere.

17. Are you far-sighted or near-sighted? Nearsighted! I've had to wear glasses since 4th grade and my vision has gotten so bad since I can't see clearly not even a foot past my face. I mean I'm currently holding my phone about 12cm from my face, any further it gets blurry. It sucks. I hate glasses.

20. Do you say soda or pop? When I lived up north I said pop or soda pop but I've lived in the south too long and now only say soda

21. Something you've kept since childhood? I used to have a long stick I got when I was like 13 that I'd take with me on walks through the forest behind our old house, but my family moved out of that house while I was at university and my dad threw out my stick because he's an asshole. I was very sad. I still have one stuffed animal from my childhood but my mom threw out the rest when I was 12 because I was "too old". Fuck that.

27. About how many hours of sleep do you get? I average about 3-5 hours a night. The most I've ever slept was 14 hours and that was after a full 48 hours of being awake lmaoooo

29. How do you like your shower water? I take cold showers. Lukewarm at most.

36. How many times have you changed your url? I actually haven't! I made this account about 7 years ago after reading Harry Potter for the first time and I loved Hermione so I made this url. First I never changed it because I stopped using tumblr for a few years, then I never changed it because eh I like it and I'm used to it.

47. What was the last message you sent? I tried texting my friend "it was so nice seeing you too!!!" but for some reason the "!!!" autocorrected to fucking "mcgregor" so I had to explain to her that I did not mean to send "It was so nice seeing you too mcgregor" but it was so funny

Thank you for these! I had fun answering them💜💕

#Asks #Ask meme #Ask game #valeffelees

[nathank77]

3/19/24

5:41 a.m

So last week I ended up taking a higher dose of xanax multiple days. 2 days in a row. Then the day after a half. And then like 2 days after a half...

I also started mixing Benadryl and hydroxyzine in to the days I took the half because I had taken the 1 mg so many days..

I might have fucked myself. Let me go into depth.

To start I've noticed on Xanax I can usually fall asleep in 2 hours and stay asleep for 5 hours. If I get up to pee I'm fucked... I end up tossing and turning and being unable to fall back to sleep. If I don't pee I can usually pass right back out..

Sometimes I pee and I've been taking hydroxyzine and Benadryl right after I go so I can fall back to sleep and get my 7 hours. It has worked...

I'm worried those other days I took the half and mixed hydroxyzine and Benadryl in when i took the xanaz not hours later bc i had taken a 1 mg so many days that week. I mixed in the hydroxyzine and Benadryl bc of the interaction of sedation...

So out of these two weeks, I have fall asleep on a half mg of xanax twice... without adding Benadryl and hydroxyzine in a couple hours later to knock myself out...they were spread out like the 9th and the 14th or something like that.

Two nights ago I took the pill at 5:41 a.m and I ended up not falling asleep and taking a Benadryl 25MG and hydroxyzine 25MG at 8:22 a.m. I ended up closing my eyes ay 8:41 a.m and falling asleep prob by 9 am. I woke up at 3 p.m. I got about 6 hours of sleep. It wasn't enough but luckily the hallucination wasn't any worse..

Last night 3/18 I took the half at 5:05 a.m. I had one of the worst nights ever. I took benadryl 25MG and hydroxyzine 25MG at 7:42 a.m....

Then I still hadn't slept and I took another 25MG of both hydroxyzine and Benadryl at 8:55 a.m. I closed my eyes at 9:12 a.m and failure. I opened them at 9:48 a.m and I tried again. I either fell asleep for like 30 minutes maximum from 9:48-10:33 cause it is a little fuzzy but I def didn't sleep the entire time.. I must have fallen asleep by 11 a.m I didn't dose anything else past 9:48 8:55 a.m. I figured I'd just accept I couldn't sleep. I slept from 11 a.m to 3:30 p.m. I got only like hours of sleep maybe 4 hours and 45 minutes. Or 30 who knows...I went to the dentist obv.. and yea the hallucination wasn't terribly bad or anything but- I'm exhausted... and I'm aggravated. It's not terrible but it felt worse today than yesterday or a day with full sleep. I mean but I can attribute that to less concentration and focus as well as just irritatiablity...with lack of sleep and not being able to switch from Xanax to something better for sleep such as estrazolam... but yea it wasn't like the voice got creative or intelligent but it seems more intrusive and more stressful to deal with.

The days I slept without hydroxyzine and Benadryl on a half MG were, 3/16 but I did take Benadryl and hydroxyzine at 1:03 p.m when I woke up and peeded. But nonetheless a half MG did knock me out without any other drug. And then 3/9 which I didn't use hydroxyzine or Benadryl at all.

I'm worried I fucked myself but idk. We will find out. I was stressed about my dentist appt. Idk what happened Sunday.. cause I wasn't stressed. I'm hoping since the 16th occurred that will happen for me tomorrow night..

My eye doctor appt is at 3 p.m. There is no way in the world, I'm getting up for that appt with I mean even 6 hours of sleep cause I got to get up 2 or 2:30 the latest...so I'm taking the full MG tonight and I should sleep like a baby. If not I suppose I'll add Benadryl at some point and then hydroxyzine at another point... I don't think it'll come to that.

So tonight I should knock out on 1 mg.. tomorrow I'm hoping the half will be effective without anything else. I mean I have bloodwork on the 20th I'll skip it if I fall asleep late. It's not stressful I can reschedule. Tbh I'll reschedule the eye exam too if I absolutely have to. I'll see what happens. Let's cross our fingers that the half will be effective tomorrow when I'm less stressed cause I've had back to back responsibilities but yea I'll cancel worse case and sleep in.

Moving on I am seeing my doctor on the 28th about my insomnia. I'll be face to face with her and I'm going to tell her my black hairy tongue has not healed and show her as it's a direct side effect of xanax. And then I'm going to ask for estrazolam 2mg or doral 15 mg. She was only going to give me 7.5 mg of temazepam and on the benzodiazepine equivalency chart 20-30 mg is equivalent to 0.5-1.mg of xanax which is why I didn't do it.... although I did this all over the phone so maybe seeing me a month later face to face and seeing my tongue hasn't healed and it's not yeast or viral... Maybe she will hear me out. I need something equivalent to the 1mg xanax I am on.

I'm going to ask her for doral 15mg or estrazolam 2 mg and show her the chart and say the only reason I'm sleeping is fucking xanax and it saved my life but I'd rather my tongue stay this way and sleep then risk full blown insomnia.

I picked estrazolam 2mg bc they come in 1 and 2 and 2 is equal to 1 mg of xanax per this chart... it's a better insomnia benzo cause it's made for insomnia unlike xanax... and if she won't do that cause she wants to do the lowest dose possible then I'll ask for doral another insomnia benzodiazepine that comes on 15 mg tablets... it's equivalent to 1MG of xanax. I'll show her the chart, and I'm hoping face to face Interaction, and facts will help my case. I won't hold my breath. I expect I'll end up going to the psychiatrist... but Prohealth is fucking reliable af. That's the issue. Psychiatrists are not. Maybe I'll just have black hairy tongue for the rest of my life to make sure I sleep. I don't think I'm going to depend on a psychiatrist and end up getting fucked in the end....

Prohealth is truly reliable and once I get another benzodiazepine from someone else they will stop prescribing it. I may not be able to get her to reperscribe it....

So yea I'm stressed about that. Hopefully BHT and face to face will change things when I show her this chart.

At some point I may start smoking weed again, I mean I didn't need to take 400 different drugs to sleep. I slept solidly throughout the night and my fucking tongue needs to heal. I hope the 28th goes well. Weed is a big decision I'm really going to think about it and see how the 28th goes.

Also what makes matter worse is my sleep environment.. I can't sleep in silence bc otherwise I hear the voice. It's maddening. I don't want to listen to being scared bc I want cartoon mental pictures. Happy ones. Not realistic ones...

So I listen to bobs burgers or American dad. Something with a lot of dialogue bc it tunes the voice out. Unfortunately there is all this singing and loud noise. Bare in mind I turn it down as much as I can where I can hear the dialogue clearly but i do need hearing aids.

Bobs has to be at like 18 or 19 volume. American dad for some reason can be at 14 volume. Nonetheless it isn't a good slept environment. Loud noisy singing and clattering versus hearing happy birthday 50000 times. And not to mention trying to think positive thoughts and think over aka align with the voice so that's what I hear. I gave up on that months ago.

Either way I guess I'll figure it out. I just took my 1 mg Xanax. And I fucking hate Kristen fucking dew. I've don't nothing this week with her but later this week I will. I got to get my general health taken care of first.

Weed may need to happen cause I feel like a pilll head popping everything I can just to hit sleep stage one.

Beyond that- my thyroid is clearly close to normal. No doubt. Graves can cause insomnia. I haven't seen a single fucking improvement in that regard unfortunately.

Hopefully it's still higher than it should be and once it normalized it fixes it... idk... I have options but it's getting down I might as well smoke a little weed everyday and go back to sleeping like a baby at the risk of making psychosis worst. I'll still have xanax....

Idk. I don't feel entirely hopeless but I am truly worried about the half MG losing effectiveness. Nonetheless I will sleep everyday and soon it will be 7 hours again. And I'll cancel things if i have to, to get my 7 hours. There is no reason to stress out.

I just wrote a book but it helped. Cause this is one of the reasons I can't sleep in silence. Even if this POS hallucination shut up finally, I don't have a ton of positive thoughts but if it did stop Id start listening to being scared again.

Lastly I hate having to see Mike again. I saw him today and he cut me off so much as I tried to explain my Xanax/sleep schedule thing that it took me about 55 minutes to get it out when I would have been able to say it all in 25 minutes if he just shut up about movies and BS and let me talk... I had so many othet things I needed to talk about hence the book I just wrote.

I got to find another therapist who can read a fucking room stfu and listen and wait until I stop talking. I want your input but fucking let me finish what I'm fucking saying so I can get it fucking out

I'm ending this rant with the equivalence chart cause it's factually I need a higher dose of another benzo. I carefully picked estrazolam and especially doral cause it comes only in 15 mg capsules...... please prohealth fucking help me.

[survey--s]

658.

What were you doing an hour ago? Watching Lord of the Rings, messing around online.

When did you get up today? 7.30am to feed the animals and let the dog out, but I didn't get up properly until about 9ish.

Is there anyone that could make your day if they showed up at your house? Nah, I've been in desperate need of a weekend "off" for ages and it's been amazing so far. Please no visitors lol.

Do you live west of Ohio? I live in England.

Do you live east of Colorado? .

Does your middle name begin with a A, M, or S? No, none of those.

How old was the last person you rode in a car with? Uh, 39.

What color was the last vehicle you were in? Metallic dark grey.

Do you have big plans for the weekend? Nope, this is my weekend OFF and I have been doing as little as humanly possible lol. All I've done is eat, watch movies, sleep and mess around online.

How many of your top friends have tattoos? Ha, I don't miss MySpace. Anyway, I'd say the majority of my friends have tattoos these days.

How long have you lived at your current residence? Five and a half years.

How long has your ex been your ex? About seven years.

When was the last time you were up at 5am? I was awake at 5am a few days ago but I didn't get up properly.

Have you ever kissed your #4? .

What was the last movie you saw in theaters and who did you go with? Cats, and my mum.

When was the last time you went bowling? Uh, about five years ago.

How about swimming? Whenever we went to Lanzarote.

Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? No.

The Eiffel Tower? Yes.

The Great Wall of China? No.

When you go fishing, do you make someone else get the fish off the hook? I don't go fishing.

How old were you in 1999? I turned eleven at the end of the year.

How many funerals have you been to this year? Zero. I've never been to a funeral in my life.

When was the last time you spent a night stargazing? I've never spend a night stargazing.

Are you taller than 5'6"? Yeah.

What was the last thing you cooked? Frozen croissants.

Who were the last three people to call you? Mike, Suzanne and probably my mum.

What were you doing last night at 10pm? I was messing around on TikTok in bed.

Did you go to daycare when you were little? Yeah, I was in full-time childcare from three months old.

Do you have a favorite pillow you always sleep with? Yeah, I even take them with me when I do house-sits lol.

When was the last time you slept in someone else’s bed? Tuesday for a house-sit.

Are there any candles in the room you’re in? Yeah, my wax burner uses those little tealights.

If you turn around, what is behind you? The living room wall.

Would you dye your hair hot pink for $50? No.

Have you ever had someone like you that you didn’t like back? Sure.

Do you usually fall for people who also fall for you? Hmm, I'd say it's been about 50/50 over the years.

Do you know what you’d have been named had you been born the opposite sex? Yeah, Alexander.

Do you have any step or half siblings? No.

How many people have you kissed in the last 48 hours? One.

The last week? One.

The last month? One.

Do you regret any of them? Nope.

Would you ever visit a nude beach? Yes.

When was the last time someone gave you a compliment? I can't rememeber. Yesterday maybe?

Do you take any prescription meds? No.

What happens if you don’t take them? .

What color is your underwear? Black.

Who was the last person you dreamt about? I don't remember my last dream.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? Fat Face.

Where was the last place you spent more than $50? The vets.

Where is your favorite place to be kissed other than the usual place? My forehead.

Do you hate getting hickeys? I mean, I can't imagine getting one as an adult.

Who was the last person to hug you? My husband.

Are there any buttons on the clothes you’re wearing? No.

How about zippers? Yeah, my hoody is a zip-up one.

What percent of your day includes music? About 5%.

Have you had any fruit today? Yeah, a banana with breakfast and some apple juice too.

Who is on your mind right now? My husband as he's wittering on about something totally irrelevant lol.

Are your fingernails painted? No.

Do you keep a diary/journal? You're reading it.

In how many years will you be thirty? I turned 30 nearly five years ago -_-

Do you set your marshmallows on fire when you roast them? Sometimes.

Do you prefer your tea sweetened or unsweetened? I like a bit of sugar in tea.

Have you ever dated someone who’s name began with ’D’? Yes.

Have you ever kissed someone who’s name began with 'K’? No.

Have you ever hugged someone who’s name began with 'E’? Yes.

What scent is your favorite perfume/cologne? I like vanilla or cherry blossom scented ones.

Have you showered today? Yeah, about three hours ago.

If you went on a blind date, and it turned out to be your ex, you would? I wouldn't be going on a blind date to begin with.

When was the last time you took a nap? I honestly don't remember, I pretty much never take naps.

What are you plans after this? No idea, probably another survey. It's nearly time to feed the animals too. The clocks went back last night so obviously that means they're all STARVING lol.

#survey #surveys

[mrsmarlasinger]

(CW: anorexia/disordered eating, medication abuse, depression, death ideation)

I spent last week in Texas on vacation with my parents and sister (yeah, during the record-breaking heat wave). It was nice: eating twice a day, having dessert, eating out, trying pastries. Walking tons and wearing huge T-shirts and men's gym shorts every day, so I didn't have to feel too guilty.

Then I came home and was instantly convinced I'd gained an impossible amount of weight.

On top of that, I've recently realized that the coughing fits that have been getting progressively worse and steadily ruining my stupid life for the past 6+ weeks, finally culminating in me waking myself and my family up 4–5x per night to cough during our vacation...are an asthma flare-up, and one best treated by the five days of Prednisone my doctor prescribed me when I got really sick a few months ago.

(Which I never touched, because apparently, corticosteroids can cause weight gain through appetite increase and insulin suppression. Terrifying.)

Yesterday, after days of acute consternation, I finally succumbed and started the damn Prednisone. Like magic, almost immediately after my very first dose, my cough improved tenfold. Crazy how the medicine your doctor prescribes you actually works sometimes!

So.

The vacation. The steroid. The body dysmorphia.

Well, I've never once had trouble with my asthma until I got sick earlier this year, so I only use my rescue inhaler once in a blue moon. I've got years' worth of old albuterol lying around my room. Not like that shit expires and loses effectiveness after a year or anything.

Decided to kill three birds (the asthma, the albuterol surplus, and the so-called weight gain) with one stone. Decided to eat nothing for two days and abuse stimulants all the while.

Decided that if I did this, I could enjoy my family's annual Fourth of July BBQ (the first one my partner, posing as my "bestie" for my homophobic father, could attend!). I'd have fun and dress cute and talk to people and eat barbeque and desserts, and I wouldn't feel guilty at all, because I'd have budgeted for it.

Having been too scared to consume more than an anxious grazing session in the pantry on Sunday, I skipped food on Monday. Oh, god, I think I slammed at least half an old inhaler that day. Got so comically sick, so ridiculously dizzy and jittery, I started laughing at my trembling reflection in the bathroom mirror. Jesus, I don't puff this much albuterol in an entire year.

Despite the melatonin I took, my usual killer insomnia struck again last night (I'm sure the steroid and albuterol didn't help). I was up all night and only fell asleep long after the sun had risen, nauseous with exhaustion and aching with hunger.

Slept four hours. Woke up midday. Took my damn Prednisone.

Started tossing back albuterol and Benzedrex like there was no tomorrow. Slonked nearly half a gram of caffeine via zero-calorie drink drops.

All on an empty stomach, alone in my room.

Already I'd fasted more than the 48 hours planned. My heart rate skyrocketed from its usual 60–80 bpm to 125 bpm. I was fucking wired, jittery, anxious and nauseous and sweaty, shaking like an old lady's purse dog. My joints hurt. My dizzy head was pounding. A sort of awful feverish heat radiated from my poor quivery flesh.

It occurred to me that I felt exactly like I had that time I snorted [redacted]. Never thought my shitty, slapdash little stim stack could hit me this hard. I felt so sick I thought I'd puke or pass out or both.

All I could do was chant, "I'm going to die. I'm going to die" under my breath, then suck down another musty, powdery hit of expired albuterol.

But hey. I could see the weight I'd lost in those 48+ hours of hell.

What does it matter if I never came down for the party, never had a burger hot off the grill, never talked to anyone, just got progressively wired in my bedroom until my hand shook so bad I fucked up my lipstick?

Eventually my partner arrived and held my sweating, trembling wreck of a body, making nervous note of my tachycardia and hyperventilation as I repeated, over and over, "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die."

When I felt a little better, we went to root through the leftovers, and I proceeded to low-/medium-restrict on a mini kids' Clif bar, three slices of watermelon, two spoonfuls of pasta salad, and, for some fucking reason, a glazed doughnut. Panicking all the while.

And yeah, sure, I ruined my day, but what's new? I'm ruining my pathetic excuse for an existence too. All in pursuit of, what, becoming more underweight than I already am? Destroying my body more than I already have?

For a spoiled, privileged, rich little white girl without a responsibility under the sun, my life sure feels like a goddamn living nightmare.

I'm so upset.

I'm so sad.

I'm so angry.

I'm angry at the world, because what the fuck did I do to deserve chronic anorexia? I of course believe that I'm a nasty little bitch who deserves the worst of all things, but god, even I don't deserve this. No one deserves this. Anorexia is cruel and unusual punishment for the crime of possessing a tangible form. I'm only 22, and I've dealt with this bullshit for, what, seven years now?

I'm so sad. I'm so sad. I'm so cripplingly, earth-shatteringly sad.

I fasted and slammed stimulants for more than two days so I could enjoy a once-a-year party with my family and our friends (the cringe of American nationalism notwithstanding), only to starve and panic and isolate myself anyway. Now I'm hungry and sick to my stomach, parachuting kratom like it'll fix things. Like eating toilet paper and fake opiates will nourish me. What was it all for? What the fuck is any of this for?

It's not worth it. None of this is worth it. I'm miserable, spiraling. I can't work. I can't function. I'm out of control. It's not my rock bottom by a long shot—hell, I haven't even gotten my lowest weight back—but it sure feels like it. This is hell.

I just want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. I want desperately to eat. Please, god, let me eat. If I can't eat, let this vile disease kill me already. I want to eat. I'm so unwell. I want to eat. I'm so, so sick. I want to eat. I want to eat.

Please.

Please.

God. God. God. God. God. God. God.

#personal #anorexia #anorexia tw #anorexia cw #tw anorexia #cw anorexia #eating disorder #eating disorder tw #eating disorder cw #tw eating disorder #cw eating disorder #ed tw #ed cw #tw ed #cw ed #disordered eating #disordered eating tw #disordered eating cw #tw disordered eating #cw disordered eating #drugs #drugs tw #drugs cw #tw drugs #cw drugs #drug tw #drug cw #depression #mental illness #vent

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3089

i'm gonna have so much to catch up i when i finally watch for the future.

in the meantime, i went to work today! it was nice to be out and doing something. plus i got to see my work friends and socialize a little.

but first, i stopped at starbucks to pick up sustenance. then i went to work and waited and just was chillin for a while. kendall showed up a little late but we got to work on prob and stats for a while, and immediately after that i was whisked away by two friends to go to lunch. we went to blake's because they're closing on saturday, which is really sad, but it's been a long time coming. a local establishment and icon, blake's restaurant in manchester looks like the 70s refurbished the 50s, right down to the restroom sign. thankfully, they'll continue to make and sell their ice cream, but the restaurant location, the last brick-and-mortar store, will close for good on saturday. it's sad, but it's expected. the location in milford closed years ago, which was where i had a lot of memories from my childhood which can never be recreated or relived. (i feel like i kind of went essay mode for a little bit there. but that's how i usually write papers and stuff, that's the tone i use.)

i'm sad about it. oh boy. grief coming out of the recesses of my mind to give me grief. great.

anyway, after lunch we went back to work with enough time for me to pack my things up and leave to go work with the kiddos. i ended up waiting for a little while, so i pulled out my sweatshirt and closed my eyes as i leaned on it against the window. i must've been asleep for ten minutes but i woke up at the exact moment nancy and the kids pulled in the driveway.

i ended up mostly working on things with nancy and creating invoices that look official and shit, but i'm definitely gonna need to change the spacing of some of it. but they're official looking. enough for my tastes, anyway.

i also helped one of the kids with clocks because she's learning analog clocks and those are hard. they took me a long time to get. like, until high school. i could never see them right. now that i think about it, it might've been my eyesight or the untreated adhd that prevented me from reading it clearly. it could've been a lot of things. but i understand where she's coming from. she just needs practice. gotta pay attention to the details and practice. on a related note, i'm fairly certain she's got adhd and her sister is dyslexic. they're doing great, but that's because i know how to help them. i'd do anything for those kids.

after that i came back to joel's and took a goddamn nap. i deserved it. i texted joel saying i was gonna nap for an hour and that i'd set an alarm, and after that text i spent maybe two minutes awake and then i was out like a light, despite talking and light. i needed it badly. earlier in the day before checking how much i slept i could've sworn i'd gotten six or seven hours of sleep and that i only woke up once or twice.

nope.

3 hours 48 minutes. i counted 18 times i woke up.

no wonder i was so fucking exhausted.

anyway, we had our twilight: 2000 game tonight, which is always really fun. i was half paying attention, but my character, named callum cross (after callum from the dragon prince and cross because it was an alliteration) was digging a well. that's what he did. he dug a hole for a couple days. i checked the weather in poland for august of 2000, which is when we are in the game, and the weather was rather temperate but humid as fuck. i don't know if you've ever dug a hole in heat and humidity, but that shit is prime for heatstroke and heat exhaustion. been there, done that. it was a bad time.

anyway, i also bought a few cones of chenille yarn so i have materials for a project i wanna do. i'd like to make a blanket that's miraculous ladybug themed but pastel. i got the colors for it, so that's good, and i got them on sale. that'll be fun.

i also got word today that my diploma will be coming in relatively soon! i'm very excited.

and i decided "why not" to opening my hours for the semester a day early, and within the hour someone had booked an appointment with me for tomorrow around 1pm. i have a doctors appointment for my hand first thing, so i figured i might as well have my day open tomorrow to work, which is why i opened it up early.

anyway, all that being said, i couldn't stop making puns during game tonight and joel was having none of it. it's hilarious how much he hates puns, but then he'll go and make some himself. but only when i'm around. i'm grateful my influence has been this. if getting people to make puns is the only thing i'll ever do, it's been a life-well lived.

so far, so good. it's time for bed now because that appointment is early as fuck.

#molly rambles #operation srr #osrr #3000s #3080s #sunshine boy

[tricky-pockets]

a trans identity story

In which I get my emotional shit wrecked by 3 of my exes in the space of 48 hours.

The first time I admitted to myself I was trans was while I was sucking down a Hardee’s cheeburger at a rest stop off the ohio turnpike, on the way home after an attempt to reconnect with/fuck my college ex.

A day and a half earlier, when I was heading out, I stopped at the liquor store so I could buy my ma a bottle of Crown Royal for letting me borrow her car last-minute when the rental car fell through. I roll in looking like stress personified and lo and behold, another ex was there, working the register. I hadn’t seen him in a couple years and had forgotten how ungodly charismatic he was. I blushed and stammered a ton, but managed to accept his number without actually literally falling flat on my face.

Drove exactly 3 under the speed limit the whole way down because I wasn’t sure if I had bench warrants out on me in Ohio (parking tickets). Showed up to my extremely bisexual ex’s place.

Now, from the content of the messages over the previous month, I was expecting to get railed hard and dirty, which I was thrilled about because I’d told him about my Gender Feelings and he said I was a good boy. And this motherfucker. Casually delivers the line that cracked my egg - “I’ll fight you for top”, gets his dick in me for 12 seconds, abruptly backs out, then ridicules me for gently asking if I was allowed to ask what happened.

I slept on the couch. Next day, I assumed we were still on for the fancy law school banquet thing he’d actually invited me down for. Nope! He found another date and didn’t tell me until he was almost out the door.

I left. I just went home. My home ice rink has an open skate on Sunday, the next morning, and I was gonna go so that the weekend wouldn’t be a total wash. This car ride was when I stopped at that Hardee’s and admitted my trans identity.

I got a text from a guy from work just as I was getting home, quite late. I’d given him my number after my lizard brain activated watching him throw pallets around. He wanted to get a beer. Was I emotionally ready for a first date? No. I still went. That was 5 years ago and we’re still together.

The day after, I found out that while I’d been having gender epiphanies on the turnpike, events had been transpiring with the guy who’d been my co-star in the Polyamory Shitshow of Operatic Proportions the year before (he and I fell in love like the cosmos itself was trying to drive us insane; he told me “You've found your way to the home within me that I built for you before I knew your name” and I’m honestly never going to be okay about him). The event that transpired was him getting married, and it broke me.

But the guy I got a beer with? We eventually started dating and are still together 5 years later.

Hell of a weekend.

Bonus: I started dating liquor-store ex, who was also spectacularly bisexual and the dick was unreal. Went to a burlesque show, met the long-lost half-sister he’d only recently found out about (who was one of the performers), and ran into Operatic Proportions Guy, who was running sound. I had to try to explain who he was and why I looked like I’d seen a ghost while feeling my heart leap in my chest, thrumming with vitality in nearness to its counterpart. We talked. It was brutal.

#sam tag 🌌 #rambling

[mement0--m0ri]

This will be a chaotic mind dump notes post.

I need a new journal but for now I need to dump this somewhere 😅

#the last 48 hours have been wild #havent slept but had a great day #been going through boxes and unpacking and all was going well #until I found a will kit and an old suicide note tucked into the front cover to my then bf at the time #its so weird to see how depressed I was and how greatful I am for life these days #we broke up for a lot of reasons 5 years ago now and at the time it it was so devastating. #I've spent so much of my life hating myself and trying to force myself into the great aussie dream of a husband and kids #and the whole white picket fense bullshit #reading this note (like 6 times because well why not) has made me realise how far ive come in such a short time #its funny how being forced to really re-evaluate your life makes things clearer. #he was for 5 years at least what I thought would be the great love of my life #he was perfect for me in so many ways - caring. smart. patient. loved me like I was the only person in the world #but all of that love couldnt change the fact that I was living a lie #2 miscarriages with him made me realise not only that I cant actually have kids #but I also dont want them #not that i ever told him about them or that my ideas on kids changed #during our last heart to heart - which we used to have a lot in our tiny city appartment with a glass of wine - is when I started to realise #i am gay #he was the one that talked me thru the fact that although I loved him. i was never in love with him. #he was so determined to see me live my truth that he stayed longer than he should have to see me start realisimg that #ive never known anyone so selfless and loving and thats clear from what I wrote him in this lettwr #anyway. #im feeling blessed to be so abundantly at peace with myself and my journey #the past 5 years of my life have been the light at the end of the tunnel that I never thought I would live long enough to see #i owe my life to this man. which is so bizarre to think #personal

[winter-soldier-vibes]

Burnout (Bucky x reader)

“Burnout”

Bucky x reader

Warnings: burnout, overworked, mental breakdown/panic attack

Word count: 3377

A/N: Take care of yourself, burnout is real and you CAN get sick. Trust me. I’m always here if you wanna talk to someone about anything or want another friend. Stay strong <3

Includes: Lyrics from the song “Weight of the World” by Citizen Soldier

Tags: @buckys2thicc @thatfangirl42 @thundering-barnes @abitgryffindorky @ladyfallonavenger

---------

These nights were becoming more common. And that wasn’t a good thing.

You sat at your desk surrounded by papers, empty cans of energy drinks, and a bright laptop screen. You held your head in your hands and you tried to keep your eyes awake, turning the screen brightness higher. 

1:46 AM

You sighed and rubbed your eyes, trying to rub the sleep out of them. You took your hands away and looked back at the screen briefly before covering your face again. 

You lived with the Avengers and were a huge asset to the team. Not only were you enhanced with powers, but you were incredibly intelligent. That being the case, you worked with Tony and Bruce in the lab either developing new ideas or fixing suits after missions. As well as being on the mission yourself. Therefore you trained early every morning with Steve and Bucky. You also did most of the mission reports, switching off with Steve once and a while.

Most nights you could be found either working through paperwork, down in the lab working into the morning with Tony, or researching for new projects in said lab. You never meant to stay up as late as you did, but no matter how hard you worked, more work kept appearing. Every 10 PM soon turned into 2 AM, and you could never quite catch a break. You had turned to caffeine not long ago, quickly using it as a crutch to supplement sleep. 

You had just gotten back from a long mission with the team, and were incredibly sore. Steve hadn’t gone on this mission, leaving you to finish the report. Add to that, Tony wanted to make a better suit for Peter, and Sam’s wings were busted. Tony was working on Peter’s suit, wanting to make it perfect, leaving you with fixing the wings for Sam. 

You decided to work on Sam’s Falcon suit first, seeing that you lived on Planet Earth and he could be scheduled for another mission at any time. What seemed to be superficial damage turned out to be extensive, and required much more repairing that you had anticipated. What you had planned to be a 2 hour process had turned into just over a day of work in the lab. 

Not wanting to lose your place and needing a distraction from the soreness, you had worked for hours straight, only breaking to relieve yourself every so often. You were exhausted and ready to fall asleep when you laid back in your bed. Only to check your notifications and see an email from Fury requesting the mission report immediately.

Sent hours ago.

Which led you to where you were now. You hadn’t slept in almost 48 hours, sore from the mission, with a tedious mission report to fill out. Taking a deep breath, you removed your hands from your face.

 2:07 AM.

You groaned, but brought your hands back to the keyboard and began typing. The words were blurring together and you shook your head a few times trying to stay awake. Somehow, you finished the report and sent it off and looked at the time again.

3:13 AM

You rubbed your temples before climbing back into your bed, sighing out as your eyes filled with tears. It wasn’t uncommon for you to go to bed this late/early. Lately Tony had been coming up with more ideas and would ask you to help. Since Tony works through most of the night, you had learned to do the same. You don’t remember the last time you had more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep. 

You were off the hook for training for a few days, due to having just gotten back from a mission. And while you had been hesitant at first, you were grateful now that you had a bit more time to sleep. Despite the caffeine you had consumed to stay awake, you were absolutely exhausted. Tears threatened to fall from your eyes but you tried to breathe through it. You just wanted a break but couldn’t seem to catch one. 

You curled into yourself as your stomach began to growl. ‘When was the last time I ate?’ you thought. Not that it mattered, there was nothing that could bring you out of your bed at that moment. You drifted off to sleep.

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You woke up to your phone chiming and groaned, picking it up to see what was so important. Your eyes find the top message, informing you that the mission report you had submitted was incomplete. You jolted out of bed and over to your desk to begin working on the report again, biting back tears of embarrassment at such a ridiculous error on your part. How could you have been so tired that you missed an entire section of a report?

You cracked open another energy drink that you kept in your room and began guzzling it. You were still in the same clothes as the day before and you hadn’t taken your hair down from it’s bun in days. Your stomach grumbled but you answered it with more of the energy drink. You would deal with hunger later. This was much more important. 

Your head was pounding and you could barely sit up straight. You had barely gotten a few hours of sleep and somehow felt more tired than you had before it. Your sight became more blurry as it became harder to suppress the tears. You were angry at yourself, why couldn’t you just get this one fucking thing done?

You worked through the section quickly, or at least, you tried to. You kept having to reread sections, not comprehending what the words were saying anymore. You rubbed your eyes aggressively and shook your head, trying to concentrate. You reached to grab the energy drink again, but instead accidentally spilled it all over yourself. Letting out a “Fuck!” as you stood up, something inside you snapped. 

You threw the can across the room, not caring how much was left inside of it. You flipped your chair and crumbled the miscellaneous papers on your desk. You let out a scream of frustration, and threw a picture frame across the room. After which, you bent over and placed your hands on your knees, small sobs beginning to wrack your body. You were just so tired, you had work to do, but you couldn’t do it no matter how simple it was. 

You walked around the mess and into your bathroom, closing the door. You turned on the shower and got in, not even bothering to take off your clothes or wait for it to warm up. You didn’t care. You couldn’t. You sank to the floor, tears streaming down your face as the shower began to warm. You couldn’t bring yourself together, every time you tried to calm down a new wave of frustration and exhaustion would hit you and you would start crying all over again. You held your hand to your chest, trying to catch your breath a little, not having much success. You were gasping for air, it felt like you were breathing fire. Unable to fight it anymore, you started choking out lyrics to one of your go-to sad songs.

Feel the weight of the world over me tonight.

If I break, if I break down this time

You took a shaky breath and choked out the next line

Hope you know I tried…

Meanwhile, Bucky had been thinking about you. The two of you were very close, you had been ever since Steve had introduced you to him. He was in awe of how you could both rival Tony in the lab and himself in the training room. That and how much you did for others. You had helped him a lot when Bucky had first come to the compound. And he was very grateful.

He knew you had gotten back from a mission a few days ago, and were probably exhausted. From what he had heard it had been a brutal mission. However, in the past, you had usually gotten back into the routine of daily life pretty quickly. He hasn’t so much as seen you since you got back. 

He couldn’t help but worry.

He decided to go to your room to check on you, seeing as it was later in the morning and you had had a chance to sleep. Little did he know, you hadn’t. When he got to your door he knocked and waited for a response. He was met with nothing. However, with his enhanced hearing, he heard muffled singing from inside. He couldn’t hear the words, but you sounded in pain. 

My mind’s such a mess, I can’t handle it, I’m at the end of my rope.

Worried, he let himself in and took in the state of the room. It was completely trashed, shattered glass, overturned furniture, crumbled papers. He heard the shower running and could hear your cries through the lyrics

My neck is breaking body shaking

Sometimes it’s so hard to breathe

But no one sees it follows me i always end up underneath

The weight of the world…

You began coughing, still gasping for air and holding your chest. Bucky came over to the bathroom door and opened it, concerned you were in pain. You were sitting on the floor, drenched and shaking. Steam filled the room, fogging up the mirrors. He came over to you, trying to get your attention but you couldn’t hear him. Worried, he stepped into the shower as well, swearing as it burned his skin. He crouched down in front of you and took your face in his hands, trying to guide your face to his.

“Y/n, y/n can you hear me? Can you look at me?” he said. 

Coming back to your senses slightly, you tried to figure out who was in front of you. You grabbed one of his forearms and focused your eyes, still struggling to breathe. You found Bucky’s blue eyes looking back at you.

Bucky, knowing you were now aware of his presence, reached to turn off the water while still maintaining eye contact. You were coughing, choking on each breath, still shaking and crying. Bucky had never seen you like this. You tried looking around again, forgetting briefly where you were and what had happened, breath picking up again in confusion.  “Hey, hey, y/n? I need you to keep your eyes on me okay?”

“It...hurts..” you gasped out, feeling like fire filled your lungs. Your arms had gone numb and in the absence of the warm water your wet body was now shivering from both the cold and anxiety. 

Bucky quickly looked you up and down. “What hurts, y/n?” he said calmly but firmly even though he was freaking out internally.

Fresh tears spilled out of your eyes. You tried to talk but couldn’t speak through your panic. You rubbed your chest, willing your heart to slow down but it wouldn’t. 

Bucky, still keeping his eyes locked on yours, said “Listen, y/n, I need you to try and breathe with me slowly, okay? Like this,” he breathed in deeply and let it out slowly. You tried to copy him and after a few breaths lost your pace. You shook your head. “I can’t…. I...I…”

. “It’s okay, you’re okay, you’re safe y/n. Try again, I’m right here okay? Look at me.” he said, still breathing deeply. Eventually, you were able to find a rhythm and catch your breath, becoming aware of the situation and everything that had happened. Now able to breathe, you felt new tears of shame rush to your eyes. There were a few moments of silence

“What happened?” Bucky asked, concern etched on his face. 

You let out a small sob and covered your face, and Bucky’s heart shattered. He had never seen anyone this upset, nevermind you. You had always been so strong, energetic, joyful. And here you were, soaking wet and shaking on the shower floor. What the hell had happened to you? 

He stood up and got out of the shower, also soaked, but he didn’t care about that right now. He leaned down and put one arm behind your back and the other looped under your knees and he picked you up. He placed you down on the vanity and stood in front of you. He carefully took your wrists and pulled them away from your face, you looking at him through bloodshot eyes. 

“You - you’re soaked,” you said, both out of shock and in an attempt to deflect the attention from you.

“Wh- I mean, yeah, so are you,” Bucky said. “Y/n, can you tell me what happened?”

You looked down at your hands and swallowed thickly, embarrassed. “I, uh…” you cleared your throat. What had happened? You closed your eyes and rubbed your head. 

The shower

The song

Your room

The report

The energy drink

Oh fuck

You sighed out “Shit, I just…” again, shame began to overtake you. “It’s stupid, forget about it,” you said, trying to stand up. 

Bucky stopped you, confused. “Y/n, whatever just happened, that…  That’s not caused by something stupid. I’ve never seen you so upset before. Hell I’ve never seen anyone so upset before. But I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

“Really, Buck, I’m fine,” you said.

“Then why are you trying not to cry?”

You sighed. There was no other way out of this. You looked at him and said, “I was just done.” You looked back down at your hands, and continued trying to keep the waiver out of your voice. “I just, um...After the mission I had to fix Sam’s wings, and it took me longer than I expected. And then I still had the mission report which took me all of last night and then I found out that I had missed an entire section. And I got mad that I couldn’t focus or stay awake and I just kind of...broke.”

As you looked back at him, face not as red, he could see how tired you seemed. “Are you sleeping?”

“I mean, a little bit it’s not like I’ve been awake this whole time but -”

“Y/n.”

You looked at him. “A couple of hours a night at most,” you said quietly. 

Bucky nodded sadly. “Anything else?”

You opened and closed your mouth a few times. “I mean it’s not a big deal -”

“What I just saw was a big deal,” Bucky said gently.

“I haven’t really made time to eat either,” you tried to laugh it off a little. “Just kind of chugged energy drinks. But then I spilled it all over myself, so...bad idea I guess.”

Bucky wasn’t laughing. But he wasn’t angry either. He was, but not at you, never at you.

“I’m sorry,” you said. 

“Why didn’t you say anything? The days off after missions are there for rest.”

You shrugged. “I had important shit to do.” 

“Well you’re pretty important shit too,” he said a little more firmly, but still not angrily. He sighed. “But really, if you’re not okay then nothing gets done. You’re going to get sick if you keep doing this to yourself. When was the last time you had more than a few hours of sleep?”

“I don’t know,” you answered honestly. 

He sighed once again. “I’m sorry,” you said, fearful that he was angry with you.

“No, it’s not your fault I just…” he looked away for a second before looking back at you. “I don’t like seeing you like this. I don’t want you pushing yourself so hard and getting hurt.”

You sighed sadly and rubbed your eyes. “Every day I tell myself it’s the last day I’ll stay up so late. I always tell myself I’ll eat after my project is done. But no matter how hard I work there’s just more and more work that needs to get done. And I can’t keep up. I feel like I’m drowning. But no matter how much I hate it I...I always come last,” you said. 

“You shouldn’t have to,” Bucky said.

After a few moments of silence, Bucky pulled you in for a hug, you still sitting on the counter. You closed your eyes against his chest and sighed out, feeling good finally getting all of that off of your chest. 

“You’re taking the next few days off.” he said. 

You pulled back and looked at him. “But the report -”

“Is mostly done and Steve can get the rest of the information from Sam.” Bucky finished for you.

“But -”

“Nope. There is not a single thing you could say right now that is going to prevent me from making sure you take care of yourself for a few days.” he said, and you knew he was right. Nodding, he pulled you back in for a hug. 

“We should get out of these clothes.” you said softly, shivering a little. 

Bucky laughed a little. “Yeah, we really should.” 

You moved to stand up from the counter, still a little weak as you leaned on Bucky a little. You walked slowly out to your room and were met with the mess you created earlier. “Shit,” you said, taking in the broken glass and furniture.

Bucky turned you around and said “Do you want to come to my room? We can deal with this some other time.”

You simply nodded, stepping around the broken shards of glass and to the hallway. Bucky’s room wasn’t far from yours, and luckily no one was in the hallways to comment on how both of you were in wet clothes. Once in his room, he closed the door after you and went to his dresser. He pulled out a pair of sweats and one of his T-shirts and handed them to you. “They might be a little big but -”

“Thank you,” you said, taking the clothes and heading to his bathroom. You closed the door and peeled your current outfit off of you. You found a spare towel and dried off the rest of you, and pulled on Bucky’s clothes. They were huge on you, but you didn’t mind. You took your hair down and redid your bun before splashing some cold water on your face. Deeming you looked more presentable, you came back out and saw that Bucky had also changed. Smiling warmly, he pointed to the bed. 

“So you are going to lie down, and I am going to go make you some food. I’ll be right back.”

You started shaking your head. “No, it’s okay, you don’t have -”

He raised his eyebrows, still pointing to the bed. Swallowing a laugh, you nodded and sat down on the bed. Bucky then left the room and returned a few minutes later with a sandwich. After you had eaten it, you laid back in the bed, melting into the softness of the mattress. You faced away from Bucky, who was sitting next to you on his phone. He was (slowly)  texting Steve to finish your report, which took very little convincing. 

After a few minutes, you asked “Can you lay down with me?”

Bucky smiled a little to himself. “Sure, doll,” he said, and he moved to lie down next to you. Unsure of what exactly you wanted, he gave you space. Not soon after, you turned over and scooted closer to his side. After a moment of shock from Bucky, you asked “Is this okay?” Readjusting a little, he wrapped his arm around you and pulled you closer. “Yeah, is this okay?” he asked in return.  You merely hummed in approval, already feeling safer in his warm embrace. He let out a small laugh. “Try to get some rest, y/n. I’ll be here whenever you wake up.”

It was the most peaceful sleep you had ever had.

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