nathank77

[nathank77]

5/1/24

"I'm cutting through, you're bleeding out

And I would tell the truth, but I can't help myself

Red rushes out, dissect this nerve

And I'll stop myself before I reach my cell

I wasn't asking for the world

And you know that I'm not one to follow through

All these city streets, the people look the same

And I can see your face, and I can hear your name

I wasn't asking for the world

You're stabbing in, permanent scars

And you'll justify it all inside yourself

You've finished me, my pulse is gone

And you're satisfied to put this all to hell

I wasn't asking for the world

And you know that I'm not one to follow through

All these city streets, the people look the same

And I can see your face, and I can hear your name

I wasn't asking for the world

Drink the poison when you think it's over

Stabbing yourself when you think it's too late

Tragic endings are your thing, you love them

You love letting go, the ending's the same

Drink the poison when you think it's over

Inevitable, Verona lives inside of you

I wasn't asking for the world

And you know that I'm not one to follow through

All these city streets, the people look the same

And I can see your face, and I can hear your name

I wasn't asking for the world"

[nathank77]

5/1/24

3:25 a.m

Making videos for my gaming YouTube is useless. Idk why I try. I try so hard and it's fucking pathetic.

I actually thought Elise potentially watched my videos just to see me laugh and smile. She probably hasn't been on my tumblr since 2/2024 but that's besides the point other than to protect herself from the lunatic.

Either way I'm poor scum ingeneral and people see a loser. A nerd and someone not worth watching.

Christ I could commit suicide or get killed by a random act of violence like transphobia and my videos still wouldn't be noticed by the general population of viewers watching gaming videos.

I'm glad my trans channel is popping but I mean why aren't the videos I spend hours on getting any attention. I mean good tags, good content, wide range of content, and it's like I'm fucking invisible.

[nathank77]

4/30/24

11:35 p.m

I already got my ultrasound results back. It came back fine so thankfully I don't have any follow up but yearly surveillance, until I can finally have a place where I don't have to expose my surgery status to the people in my household. I really don't want my mother or sister to know. My mother will tell everyone from my aunt to my cousins. I mean they think they know but they don't really know until they get some form of confirmation about it. Like, "hey I'm getting a hysterectomy."

I told my mother I was getting an ultrasound on my thyroid.

I called Xbox and opened a case. They said they are working on it... I'm playing Bully on my series x. I mean I'm going for 100%, my almost 100% completion save is missing something I can't go back for bc I missed it in chapter 1. A lot of stuff is missable.... I'm actually going for it now and It won't happen for a long time but it will. I'm making a separate playlist for it. I technically completed my other bully playlist.

I'm worried these new saves won't get put on my cloud.... when they fix it but I really need game time...I don't care if I save over my older saves but these saves better not disappear.

I got my silent hill 2 saves back but nothing else... that I care about anyways.

I won't touch Far Cry 2 until I get my saves back.

Anyways Cheat Day cause my last one was April 9th:

[nathank77]

4/30/24

11:14 p.m Edited/Added to

I keep thinking- " I'm so obviously in love with you."

I remember a while ago I thought, "you're going to meet brendan but not in the way you think."

I also have been thinking recently, "mothers day is when I'm going to talk to you."

Okay so I don't believe in mental messages. I'm not allowed to. I can have a full blown conversation with myself pretending to be you.

When I went to the mall, I remember on the way my brain/psychosis being mean to me, "like I'd go to the mall and meet a former client, that's all you'll ever be to me."

So like idk maybe you do love me. Maybe the way I'm meeting Brendan is bc he will have visitation rights which I expect If you guys don't work out...although I expect to be a family friend. Maybe you will talk to me mothers day. Idk.

Or maybe the hopeful part of my brain is like Elise means everything to him and he needs to believe this so I'm going to think these things bc they make me happy... idk...

You getting a divorce does not make me happy bc it means you've been miserable for a long time. It means you're not happy.

I'd rather you be happy with him than be with me- why? Cause your happiness is very important to me. A divorce is complicated with children and everything. I couldn't even imagine and everything leading up to it. I'm clueless but it's painful I'm sure. A break up sucks but a divorce, I mean I truly couldn't imagine.

I'm a selfless person. I'd rather you be happy with him than be happy with me.

Anyways here are some other thoughts I've had, "I fell in love with the boy with the glasses."

I've thought, "you stole my heart when you called me pretty that day."

I mean, I want all of that to be you.

I've even thought, "I wish you'd call him Brandon."

But I mean, I legit can pretend to have a conversation with you right now. I have psychosis. I can't believe anything I think cause then when you change your profile picture back to you and him-my heart gets crushed.

It makes more sense to just be happy for you and see how it all plays out.

One thing I thought was if you did reach out to me therapist to client, I'd actually be offended at this point.

It's friendship or more or nothing. I mean I'd still take it but it wouldn't be a fun talk. Anyways yea idk my brain is broken

[nathank77]

4/30/24

"I didn't want you to save me"

I changed it a little but-

"I had so much sorrow inside"

You could reach it Elise.

[nathank77]

4/30/24

4:45 p.m

Well I got there on time, my bladder wasn't full enough at first so I had to wait, which was fine. I didn't drink all the water before 3 since my exam was at 4. I knew they'd wait and I'm one of those people who pee every 15 minutes if I drink a lot of water. I didn't want to be uncomfortable for over a hour. They made me wait another 15 minutes and said it was full enough.

I hate getting these exams bc it's one of the only times I get asked things about those body parts or organs. Things I don't want to be asked but I understand that's when they have to ask those questions. I await the results. I'm just glad I'm home and can use the bathroom. I put that off for so long and it wasn't even a big deal in terms of time it took. If only my circadian rhythm wasn't so fucked I could get a lot more done in a day. Either way its off the list unless they see something.

So I was just chilling and I felt something on my head and then I saw a spider coming down on a web.... he landed on the bathroom floor.... well I'm glad that where he picked his exit instead of on me bc that was ummm creepy...

I'm about to take a shower cause of that gel they use for the ultrasound. So I can get fully clean with new boxers/pants and a shirt.

[nathank77]

4/30/24

5:22 a.m

I took the 1MG around 4:30 a.m. I'm laying down now about to play solitaire. I finished all my laundry awesomely.

I got no where with my Xbox. I have to contact support... so I'll do that soon... one thing at a time.

I wish I got to game. It might be better to play on an older system that can download my saves at this point.

I'm nervous about making it to my appt tomorrow. I got to make it there on time and have a full uncomfortable bladder. Hopefully i pass out soon. Worst case I'll take hydroxyzine. I have a standing script monthly so taking 25mg a night is perscribed and no big deal.

I set my clock for 2:30 p.m.

I'm aggravated with my Xbox. I'm aggravated that I can't get my new shoes comfortable but it'll save me money. Maybe I can get new glasses. I didn't wash my Ray-Bans but yea I'm rocking these atm.

I took one thing off my list of things to do well two, the cardiologist and the laundry but added another like 4 things. It's annoying. I'm tracking my refund and I got to return the shoes and track that refund.

I need to schedule my bloodwork, my oil change and new Hampshire. I got a few phone calls to make.

I'll sort it out.

One of my captures cards might have shit the bed but I'm in the warranty period. It's just annoying.

And yea I got to take care of my macbook.

[nathank77]

4/29/24

10:24 p.m Edited/Added to

Let me put it this way- I don't want to know you as a therapist, and you not responding to me professionally tells me one thing at least:

1) you have no professional duty to respond to me and you potentially do not want to know me/work with me in that capacity.. or know me in any capacity.

Although I worry, let me put it this way-

1) For all I know, you read my tumblr 2/2024 and got that call in October and you think I'm psychotic. You think I'm obsessed with you and you're afraid of me, so you don't want to know me in any regards. You're worried that if you reach out a hand professionally even, it'll cause harm and I could get even more attached.

- it's not far fetched..... although I don't think that's what it is. It's a thought.

What would I do if you emailed me and offered to see me professionally?

- at that point I'd accept but I'd be fucking upset about it. I'd cry cause at that point I'd realize you have no interest in knowing me personally.... in that moment I'd realize all we will ever have is a professional relationship. That it didn't mean anything to you more than a genuine, " I care about you but you're a client and that's all you'll ever be."

- I wouldn't be worried you think I'm a crazy psychotic stalker. I would know you feel safe knowing me in a professional manner but I'd be fucking upset that, that's the only way we would ever know eachother..

Some of your actions suggest, you'll know me personally... some. Although you could think I'm scary at this point and just be protecting yourself.

I can put myself in your shoes:

1) Nathan is fucking obsessed with me, I'm married. I have no feelings for him. I'm scared he will show up at my house and harm me and my family. I don't want him to get more attached to me. I don't want to feed it.

2) I want to know him personally but time is unfortunately a thing.

- I don't know if you love Brendan. Idk if you're Happy. Idk if you have feelings for me.

I suppose there is a 3rd:

3) I want to know him personally but he has to get a gf and move on. I understand why he has feelings and I feel bad for him and I'm happy in my relationship. I suppose all I can do is wait for him to find someone and then reach out a platonic hand.

-by the time I find someone, it could be 3-5 years from now that's the sad thing.... so if it's the 3rd, it's going to be a very long time... okcupid is an utter failure.

- I would be extremely upset if I only had the opportunity to be your client. It would be depressing cause if it was only that, at the 6 month mark when I emailed you, that's when your boss said I could be your client again.....

And it would have been better for my mental health then IF it was the ONLY option. You might have saved me from psychosis.. it was a couple months before it happened but obviously my mental state changed drastically from August to October and maybe you wanted to know me in August and by October/November/December, my mental state changed your mind...

I would have asked you about the voice... THATS NOT HOW I WANT TO KNOW YOU but all I'm saying is if it was only therapist/client for life it would have made more sense to offer it at that 6 month email.

- if you love me, why is there no sign that it's ending? I'm not trying to ask you to get a divorce but if you're not happy then why is there no signs that it's going to end?

- if it's just platonic, why do my feelings matter? I'll never bring them up. I'll never act on them. I hate to break it to you but I'm awkward as all fuck.. if I were to kiss you, to be the one to start it that is, I'd have to be drunk (and you'd have to make most of the move STILL) or you'd have to say, "Nathan kiss me. I've wanted to for a long time." You'd have to start it. So I mean that's kinda my point. You don't know awkward until you try to get with Nathan Blanchette romantically.

I have been in love with a friend before and respected her relationship. Never acting on it. Never saying anything and that's how I'd treat you too. I'd look for a partner while I was your friend.

[nathank77]

4/29/24

9:36 p.m

I wish I had finished working on my OCD with you. It's too late now. I don't want you as my therapist.

We had months and I was too fixated talking about stupid Katie and shit, to do it and now I'm stuck with Mike. And I know you did it to help me.

I regret it. I just thought probability and possibility and I was like I fucking hate myself for not doing it with you when i had the chance.

Idk If I'll ever even know you personally but if not I'd go back to what it was and do it with you, although that's not what I want... I just wish I had done it when I had a chance.

I have so many regrets.

[nathank77]

4/29/24

9:07 p.m

So I ended up showering and buzzing my head. I'm still working on the laundry and I moved my car back to my house. My brakes sound like they are grinding mostly just my emergency brake.. I really can't afford another issue but I guess we will see if it persist....

I'm trying to work on my cloud saves and appearantly its a well known issue with the series x/s for 360 profiles. I've followed troubleshooting steps and I may have to fucking send in my Xbox. Now I got to call Xbox support when they are open if it doesn't work later. Come to think of it all my cloud saves that are an issue are fucking Xbox 360 games.....

And as I was troubleshooting this, I had to reset my console which made me lose my Silent hill 2, 10 star run save... and now I'm worse off than I was before. I was only missing Bully and Far Cry 2....

So yea that's awesome...... can't play if I can't download my saves unless I want to replay everything I already did on a 30 hour save file. And I'm never redoing the 10 star... also they'll reset my local data so I could lose anything I save locally...

My hallucination is driving me crazy today so that's great. And I'm just so fucking alone. I'm about give up on my fucking Xbox and wait until I can call them maybe tomorrow or Wednesday..

I may just watch American Dad all day. Just so I don't fucking hallucinate...

and my mother left a pumpkin on a wooden table for like 6 months and it got moldy and now everything that I accidentally put on that table gets contaminated... and as I'm doing my bed I put my stupid ashtray on my bed which touched my night stand which I accidentally put my red bull on the table and put it on my nightstand and I put that ashtray in the, "Contamination" spot and now I feel like I can't even lay on my bed until I cover the mattress which that's not happening for another like hour and 10 minutes...

I'm so fucking miserable with my life. Ocd is killing me, this hallucination is fucking killing me.

And idk why I'm still here. For what? Whats my purpose? To get 3 views on YouTube? To be absent from my siblings and father/step mom bc I can't manage my life cause I have 500 doctors appts a month and even before that psychosis and ocd run my life?

Why am I here? Why am I trying? Everything is so exhausting. I can't even smoke fucking weed. I can't do anything fun. Everything is miserable and I'm so fucking alone idk if anyone would notice if I fucking died.

To be alone forever? To never get married?, to never have children? What's the fucking point?

[nathank77]

4/29/24

6:

So l struggled to fall asleep, I took one 25MG of Hydroxyzine, and one 25MG of Benadryl around 9 a.m, I passed out rapidly. I woke up around 3:30 p.m. I slept straight through. I only got like 6 1/2 hours...

Erin canceled again...if only Erin told me she was going to cancel earlier instead of at our appt time... I could have fallen back to sleep and got 7 hours. I see her Thursday. I'm going to the ultrasound tomorrow. I'm taking a 1MG tonight around 4:30 a.m. so I can make it there by 4 p.m with a full bladder.

The cardiologist has been trying to fit me in, calling me everyday, that's a good thing. I am seeing the doctor on May 6th, at 3 p.m. so that's awesome. Minus the fact that it's the same week as my testosterone shot, so I'll have to take a 1MG Monday and Wednesday to make both appts but whatever.

The following week I have my insomnia appt at 3 p.m on Tuesday and then my disability appt on Friday at 1:30 p.m. so I have to take a 1MG Tuesday and Friday that week.

I'm worried about it but the appts are majorly important and I'm sure once I get the heart monitor I'll be seen within a couple weeks after, for the diagnosis....

Anyways, I'm doing my bedding today and I'm going to try to do all my laundry, it piled up fast but the bedding comes first.

I also ordered 2 more 30 pack gummies of the CBD. I've been taking 100MG a day. I haven't noticed much of a difference but it's early and it builds ups.

I am not going to shower today, I did technically at 4:30 a.m anyways. Also-the Ultrasound is going to make me all nasty tomorrow. So I'll shower when I come home tomorrow.

I fucking hate laundry day. I'm going to try to game and if it doesn't work out, I'm going to watch American Dad. I'm going to try to restore my cloud saves.

I guess I'm going to proceed on my Kristen Report as of Wednesday or Thursday. Regardless of Erin bc I have no choice cause I've been sitting on it for too long and in traumatized.

I really need therapy after that dream and everything I'm going through and Erin had canceled like 4 times in a row. I guess I'm going this alone and I only have Mike on Wednesday if she cancels Thursday.

[nathank77]

4/29/24

6:30 a.m

Getting that mustache off and out of the corners of my mouth feels so much better. I have to clean my Ray-Bans atm but I'll do it tomorrow. I also got to buzz my head

[nathank77]

4/29/24

6:30 a.m

Getting that mustache off and out of the corners of my mouth feels so much better. I have to clean my Ray-Bans atm but I'll do it tomorrow. I also got to buzz my head

[nathank77]

4/29/24

6:25 a.m

I had heart palpitations and was having shortness of breath after my shower at like 4:50 a.m.

The stupid hallucination said Kristen a few times and It bothers me bc I'm traumatized and I know I have to act but like it's time consuming. Either way I'll see what Erin says later today and just do it from there regardless. It's been a month.

I shaved my mustache and face cause I feel dirty af. And I just can't deal with it. I did it after the shower. My face is a little mad but not really.

I'm really lonely still. I cleaned my wire mess and got it all organized but it took a lot and triggered me to shower bc I believe a mouse was back there like 6 months ago... anyways, it looks good.

I finished my bully video but it took hours to piece together. I'm posting it tomorrow even though it's pointless.

Dating sites are going awfully. I'm cute idk whats wrong with people. I got to go do community service or meet ups soon.

Im worried the Xanax won't knock me out but I'll turn to Benadryl and hydroxyzine worse case.

Idk. I just hope Erin stays in private practice. I'll find out later today.

Either way I'm glad i had a game weekend I needed it. I'm hoping I can dedicate more time to it. I realize that my bully save file is missing something I can't ever get back so I have to redo the whole 100% playthrough.

I still got to troubleshoot shit to get my cloud saves... I reset both my Xbox ones s systems tonight after beating bully. And I'll try whatever I can on my series x... maybe it'll work... if not then that fucking sucks but I shouldn't have to play on old beat up systems with rendering issues.. maybe part of the issue is I was signed on, on three systems in Total.... now it's just one..

Anyways I hope I sleep well and I hope I can make time for gaming, community service, meet ups, and dating...

I'm going to set up a MacBook appt asap but Kristen is a priority.

I hope I don't have palpitations when I close my eyes.

[nathank77]

“I’ll always remember you. I’ll always miss you. And you’re always a part of me. I’m always a part of you.”

— Unknown

[nathank77]

[nathank77]