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teebarnes · 3 years

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✨ | A Bad Day

Click [100 Followers Fic] for the rest of the 100 follower fics :)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!reader

Summary: You had a bad day at work and Bucky knows that, so takes this chance to brighten your bad day.

Word Count: 2k

Warning(s): Fluff, crying... I think that's about it.

A/N: Thank you for 100 followers! Plus, I mean, who wouldn't want Bucky to comfort them after a bad day? (GIF isn't mine)

⤑ Click here for my taglist to be notified when I post my future fics.

Any Likes, Comments & Reblogs are super duper appreciated :))

Locking the door behind you, you lean yourself against your door, sliding to the floor. Tears flowing down your face, you pike your knees up you to the chest, wrapping your arms around them. It was another one of those awful days at work, your face hidden in the nook you made. You slowly sobbed to yourself, trying to express the bad day you had quietly into your house as if it could listen.

The quietness of your rural home thickened the sound of your tears; you sigh deeply into your knees, attempting to catch the breath you longed for. Then, calming yourself, you wipe the tears with the end of your jumper before hearing your phone ring. A few sniffs holding the fact you were crying, you check your phone to see it was your best friend calling.

"Yellop", you softly chime to your best friend on the end of the other line. You can hear an audible laugh. "Yellop doll, how was your day?" The voice you always long to hear at the end of your days. "U-usual", you softly chocked out before continuing ", how about you, old man? How was your day?" You giggle slightly at your remark.

A long pause extended your conversation with him before he broke the silence with a soft laugh through his nose, "usual, same since we last spoke", you smile, getting up, taking the conversation to your couch. Hearing his voice had taken away any sadness you had before you even picked up the phone. "Hey, I'm coming over. I need your help," he says, which piques your interest.

"What does a 107-year-old man need my help for? I'm sure you have all the life experience you need," you joked; Bucky gasps ", ouch, my feelings… they're hurting because of you", he laughs, causing the two of you to roll your eyes at each end of the line. "May I ask what you need help with?" You sat up from the couch, eagerly waiting for his reply.

A steady silence homed their conversation for a few seconds "a date y/n… there is this beautiful woman I want to ask on a date." He sighs.

Your face drops slightly, tears rushing down your face again like the ones before. Quickly wiping the tears, you answer, so Bucky doesn't worry "a date, huh? Since when do you socialise" you half-laughed to yourself sadly. "well… doll. You see, I don't if I'm honest," you both laugh, waiting for him to continue. "But… she is amazing, beautiful, the most incredible person I've met", he boasts to you over the phone.

You couldn't help but wallow in your thoughts for a bit, wishing that it were you he was talking about. But you knew that you two were just made to be the best of friends; despite how you felt towards him, you knew he could never feel the same. It took you a while to collect yourself when Bucky spoke again, breaking your train of thought. "Doll?" Your eyes focus again on your surroundings, coming back to the reality that you wanted to run away from right then and there. "Doll, are you there?" He asks again; you clear your throat "yes! yes… sorry, yes I am." You coughed.

"I am happy for you, Buck! She will be so lucky to have you." You stand up from the couch walking into your kitchen. "I am the lucky one, actually…" he replies softly. You smile at his reply only to realise the context of the conversation before answering back to him, "Well… are you sure you need my help? I feel you have all of that covered. I don't think I could be of much help to you, Buck." You held the phone between your shoulder and your ear as you opened the fridge up to check what was for dinner tonight. "I most certainly do doll. You are a vital part to getting this right," he excitedly says; you could never turn him down.

Even after being his friend for over ten years, you still couldn't say no to him. "Geez, Bucky, you really are serious… I'll have you know, though. I haven't had a boyfriend since I met you, so I'll only be able to give you basic pointers," you laugh to yourself. "Doll, don't worry about it… as long as you're there, that's all I need." He swoons. You couldn't help but laugh, "see, buck, with that attitude, I think she will say yes." You lightly say, "plus, have you asked Steve? I'm sure he has better advice to give," you question. "Yeah, I did… no help there", he laughs.

"Okey dokes, well I'm going to take my shower n stuff… you've got a key so you can let yourself in, alright?" You say, continuing to push through the built-up tears and emotions that halted at your throat. "Okay, doll! See you shortly," he says "see ya, Buck" you smile, hanging up.

Not knowing it, but your world fell before you; you didn't want to lose Bucky to a woman he hasn't even told you about. Then again, you cared for his happiness, that is what he needed after all the trauma he had been put through. You shook off the tears sucking up the pain into your stomach, heading to take a shower.

Bucky’s POV

"How do I tell her, Steve?" Bucky groans, pacing around the living room, "I love her so goddam much, but I am afraid to lose her. What if she doesn't like me and only sees me as a friend-"Bucky is cut off by Nat, who is sitting on the other side of the couch reading a book. "Bucky, I am going to slap some sense into you soon. She is head over heels for you." She sighs, getting up to leave the room. Bucky continues to pace again, with Steve closely watching.

"Ask her on a date Buck. Go from there," Steve lightly says, leaning back into his seat. "Hey doll, I know we've been best friends for ten years now, but I just wanted to let you know that I've fallen in love with you since the day we met", he frustrates into the palm of his hands. Steve chuckles a bit, "sounds about right", he snorts. Bucky wide-eyed to his oldest friend. "Ahaha, so funn-" he is cut off with a buzzing in his left pocket.

Reaching in, he picks it up "oh, it's just Sam" he rolls his eyes, answering, "what's up, Sam?" Sam sighs "have you talked to y/n recently?" He asks, which immediately makes Bucky furrow his eyebrows "no, why? Has something happened?" A pause before Sam speaks, "Can you check on her, please. She had a rough day at work. I have a feeling she is not at her best at the moment." Bucky's eyes dull hearing that the woman he's in love with is sad "okay, on it. Thanks for letting me know, Sam", he let out a sigh. "I've given her the week off, but please check." He sternly asks. "You have my word Sam" Bucky hangs up, turning to Steve.

"She had a bad day at work…" he frowns before plopping himself on the couch. "Well, buck, this may be a good opportunity to take her out on a date? Or even have a sneaky film night?" He stands up, patting his friend's shoulder. Bucky gives a slight grin, nodding, "Thanks, pal".

Steve walks out of the room, leaving Bucky alone with his thoughts, "okay okay okay, I can do this, I can do this." He hypes himself up, taking his phone pressing your contact that he had on speed dial.

"Yellop" Bucky hears on the other end of the phone; he couldn't help but melt to the sweetness of your voice. It was one he loved so much. It wasn't unusual to call each other; it was a religious routine for the both of you. If one didn't call, the other would. But this time, it was different; Bucky was nervous; it has taken him ten years to work up the courage to ask you out. But he still couldn't, not without seeing your face, not without being able to hold you as he said he loved you and not without comforting you first. He knew you didn't want to burden him with your troubles, so he took it upon himself to make up an excuse just to see you.

After the call, Bucky knew that you'd been hiding your emotions just to have your usual conversation with him. He felt even guiltier when he went on and on about you but never had the guts to tell you that he was talking about you.

Bucky packed a night bag from his room, packing it onto his motorbike before making his way to the local supermarket that was on the way to your house.

He picked up some of your favourite snacks and a bunch of your favourite flowers, securing them on his bike before riding to your house. Then, turning his bike off, he left it parked in your garage, heading inside. He closed the door behind him, walking into the kitchen laying the snacks on the table before heading down the hall into your room. He could hear the shower running and knew you were still in there.

He could hear you singing a soft melody of your favourite song; Bucky smiled, took his shoes off, and set them at the door in the hallway. Bucky flopped onto your soft bed with the flowers he had for you hidden on the bedside away from the bathroom door so you wouldn't be able to see them when you'd come out.

Finishing your shower a few minutes later, you wrapped your hair in a towel. Drying yourself and popping on your oversized henley, the same one Bucky had given you all those years ago when you had nothing to wear the first time you slept at his. You put some undies on and Van's socks. Using the dryer to dry your hair, you fitted your thick hair into a messy bun with your black scrunchy. "Alright", you took a deep breath before heading out to see Bucky lying on your bed.

"Oh, Buck! Hey," you smiled at him. His head was comfy on the bedsheets; he turned to see you, a bright smile upon his face. "Hey, doll," he noticed straight away that you weren't wearing any pants, something he was used to but not used to at the same time. You'd always make a fuss over going to bed with pants on; you hated wearing pants to bed. So you just opted for socks. "So", you sigh, flopping on the bed next to him. "Who is the girl?" You asked, turning your body to the side facing him. He chuckled, rolling over the edge of the bed, coming back to meet you, your favourite flowers in his hand; you both were face to face.

"You"…

You look at him, jerking your face back a bit in surprise but totally melting seeing the flowers. "M-me?" You reply; Bucky smiles, brushing the hair from your face nodding, "It's always been you y/n." His arm caressed your cheek, and you couldn't help but rest yours on his. You kissed the inner of his hand before taking the flowers leaving them on the bedside table.

"You know how long I've wanted to tell you that I love you" you smiled almost in tears; wrapping his metal arm around your waist, Bucky pulled your body close to his "And you know how long I've wanted to say the exact same thing" he rested his head against yours "I am in love with you y/n, I've loved you ever since I met you". You sniffled, cupping his cheek before leaning in, kissing his chapped lips; he leaned into him, kissing back "and just when I thought I was going to have to let you go, you prove me wrong," you chuckled through your tears.

He chuckles with you. "I couldn't tell you on the phone. I had to be here. Plus, Sam told me you had a bad day, so I wanted to be with you." You smiled, giving him the biggest hug. "Thank you, Buck. Thank you for doing this" he kissed the top of your head.

"You're welcome, love", he smiled.

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Sebastian Stan's Taglist: @buckyswintersoldiermask @lharrietg @buckyfan12 @afraid-to-be-me @fairityretro

#bucky barnes x y/n #bucky x you #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes one shot #bucky fic #bucky barnes x female reader #teebarnesfics

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dreamsatdusk · 3 years

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Analysis: Baghra and the Apparat

I received an Anon ask a while back and accidentally published it before it was done a while back. Privated the post but decided to have the final product as a new post just in case; I don’t want it buried in tags from way back.

The Ask:

Hello! Can you do a breakdown on Baghra's character and the Apparat's? I'm interested in reading your thoughts about them

Thank you for the ask! And apologies for the delay in response.

Baghra

One of the first Grisha meta posts I wrote years ago was about how the way Baghra and her hut are portrayed evoke the impression of Baba Yaga. Her appearance, hut in the woods (likely amidst birch trees), and something of her attitude all lend themselves to it. Since then, I’ve also come to think there might be a bit of tie in to the tale of Vasilisa the Beautiful, who was forced to go and bargain with Baba Yaga for a light against the darkness.

Looking past that surface, in the trilogy we are presented with Baghra as a figure both ascetic and penitential, as well as bitter and unkind. The latter traits are well explained by what we learn of her history: she has had a long life filled with a great deal of loss, with countless threats to Grisha and particularly to she and her son, different as they are even from other Grisha. Her childhood was a sad one brimming with trauma and what she recalls of her parents to Alina causes me to think that she did not feel truly loved by either one of them. I think their treatment of her and behavior toward each other shaped her perspective on life in profound ways, ones she never got past.

But the former traits don’t have so obvious a cause on page if you look more deeply. Her lifestyle is very austere despite the fact there is no need for it - she is not on the run and in hiding any longer as she was in the Darkling’s youth. Her conversations with Alina in regards to her son are couched in religious terms: she is worried about his being beyond redemption, she speaks of merzost as abomination, and so forth. In R&R, she has Misha read religious parables to her to pass the time.

This clashes with what we know of contemporary Grisha. It is said at one point in S&B that Grisha don’t put much stock in religion and we see the Darkling does not seem to either. Not to mention the fact that he and his mother knew at least several Grisha who later became considered saints. I find it likely they suspected other saints could also have been Grisha - Grisha and martyred for it, their true identities obscured so later people could pray to them and not have to consider the ‘unnatural’ people they were. It makes a lot of sense that neither Baghra nor the Darkling would invest much consideration in Ravkan religion as it is presented on page. In fact, it seems like they’d find it more infuriating than anything. And yet.

The Second Army has no need to lead lives of deprivation. Yes, they eat ‘peasant-style breakfast’ and such, but their rooms are gorgeous, they have beautiful clothing, sugar for their tea and so forth. Baghra surely wouldn’t be living in a tiny dark hut in the trees unless that is what she wanted.

There’s also the fact that she shows signs of not using her summoning powers. Even before S&S, she’s apparently quite chilly a lot. It makes sense she wouldn’t show she could summon shadows where other Grisha could see. But the indication is she isn’t using her powers at all. That is another way she seems to have chosen to deprive herself, to the point of impacting her health. Perhaps she even hoped that it would lead to her death, but apparently it has not been enough to override the impact of her amplification talent.

Looking back at the woman seen in Demon in the Wood and was glimpsed in the tale she tells Alina of her past, it very much seems to be something happened to turn who Baghra was into who we see in the trilogy.

I suspect much of the true reason is that she is pretty much a plot device in the story. She needs to spook and horrify Alina into running. Her talk of ‘redemption’ and ‘abomination’ are peculiar in terms of many other elements we see in the books. I’m writing a meta on the amplifiers and merzost and such that goes into this further, but I’ve also written some in the past about how there’s no real reason to believe merzost is inherently bad. Baghra has clearly decided it is though and speaks of it and her son’s actions in absolutist terms. Because she needs to in order to have the narrative run how it does, more than once.

And again, what reason would this character really have to put so much faith in Ravkan religion?

What’s a possible in-universe explanation for this? I think the creation of the Shadow Fold works well for that. We find out that what the Black Heretic was actually trying to do was recreate Morozova’s amplifier experiments and something went wrong. (This is the focus of the upcoming meta I mentioned above.). The Fold happened and all of the people within its bounds were transformed into volcra. All in all, a horrific situation, however much an accident. This could have functioned as such a systemic shock to Baghra’s worldview that she sought solace and perhaps forgiveness in religion. I suspect she felt guilt, which is pointed to in things she says in the trilogy. Also, she’s the reason the Darkling even had Morozova’s journals - she went back to the village she was born in and found them, per R&R.

I still think her being invested in the Ravkan religion itself is a weak point, but could be generously explained by just how traumatized she was by the Shadow Fold situation. She may have desperately wanted something to believe in. That said, the lack of any sign in the books of what more lies behind Ravkan religion than Saints and the fact that Baghra knows that at least several of those Saints were actually Grisha, doesn’t make this the strongest argument to me.

I also wrote some weeks back on how Baghra was portrayed as emotionally and physically abusive to Alina and according to their own accountings in R&R, other Grisha as well. In the early days of the fandom, I never really saw that acknowledged, though it has gotten far more recognition this year with new people reading the books since the release of the tv show.

Overall, she is a very bitter person and I think a lot of what we see of her is driven OOC by her being largely a plot device and IC by guilt. She feels guilty about the Fold’s creation and so forth and lashes out at others in misdirected anger.

I think this also relates somewhat to her treatment of Alina in S&S and R&R. She blames Alina for not ‘adequately’ running away (went after the stag instead), blames her for the Darkling putting himself beyond redemption (in Baghra’s mind - like too many people IRL, she seems to not understand what redemption actually is), blames her for the sea whip, for wanting to find the third amplifier. She blames Alina for these things, but it is likely a mask for further personal guilt. Of all people, Baghra is likely the one who would have been most successful in stopping the Darkling before things took the path they did. He trusted her.

But her nasty treatment of others obscures that Baghra is largely a passive character in the trilogy. Whether out of love or some variety of religious concern, she doesn’t try to kill her son. She doesn’t remove Alina from the situation in a more final way, only tells her to run. And in the end, she commits suicide rather than more directly confront the Darkling.

The Apparat

Okay, after all that, I don’t have near as much about the Apparat. *L*

If Baghra’s surface details are meant to evoke Baba Yaga, then I think the Apparat’s point to Rasputin. His physical description was practically a caricature (if you’ve only seen the show, he looked far less revolting in that than he was described in the books) and he starts out as a trusted advisor to the Ravkan royal family.

One of the big questions about the Apparat is about what he truly believes. He was in cahoots with the Darkling around the coup against the Lantsov dynasty in S&B, but he later swung his support behind the Sun Summoner. I think it would be a believable reading of the text to suspect he may have planned to do so since learning of Alina’s existence. There’s no real reason to think he truly supported the Darkling’s cause or cared much for Grisha themselves; on the latter point, I think the greater support is for the idea that he does not care about the Grisha and just used them to get what he wanted.

His presentation is a mix of True Believer and power-seeker and a great deal of the questions around him relate to where one thinks he falls most strongly on that spectrum. Alina’s interactions with him in S&B have the hallmarks of a fanatic, but then, these signs are also seen through Alina’s eyes and you have to consider whether she is seeing reality or a careful act. I think the case could be made for either. But either way, I also think he wanted power. I suppose you could argue he wanted power on behalf of Sankta Alina, but I think his actions in R&R show that an Alina who wasn’t going to comply with his wishes was deemed more trouble than she was worth. If she had died, I don’t think he fundamentally would have cared. She had established enough of a reputation, was known to enough people, that he could have exploited her as a martyr without having to deal with the reality.

The Apparat was the sort of character I tend to really dislike (religious manipulation, etc.). Something that struck me in all the books is how more than one character was strangely...tolerant of him. He backstabbed people more than once and yet nothing was every truly done about it.

#Grishaverse #Grishaverse Meta #Baghra Morozova #Baghra #The Apparat #The Grisha Trilogy #Shadow and Bone

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yourdorkiness · 3 years

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My Opinions On Jujutsu Kaisen That Literally Nobody Asked For

I finished binging the Jujutsu Kaisen manga in 48 hours. I am having some expresso, because I’m depresso.

Here’s a Sad Stitch to show you how I feel.

(And of course, warnings for discussion/ranting/kinda meta on the Jujutsu Kaisen manga below the cut, so please read at your own discretion!)

Sukuna is truly a Bastard™, along with Mahito.

I just- *cries in Shibuya Arc aka PAIN*

*Pulls out megaphone* Nanamin.

That’s all folks. Thanks for reading, have a nice day!

(Just kidding!)

Ugh, NANAMIN 👏 WHAT 👏 A 👏 MAN 😭 😭 😭 😭 I became a certified Nanami stan once I saw the tired business man aesthetic (plus, his words about how work is shit? Truer words have never been spoken), and his little speech about adults and responsibility, how children no matter their circumstances are still children, and should be given the opportunity to act as such. Because, YES, FINALLY, A RESPONSIBLE ADULT WITH THE VOICE OF AN ANGEL aka the voice of Kenjiro Tsuda

Anyways, I love how the Jujutsu Kaisen manga shows that adults can handle things, and that is A-OKAY!!! If Jujutsu Tech follows the Japanese school system, Yuji is a first year in high school, so he’s probably 15 or 16 years old, way too early to go through Shibuya level of trauma (though, I think anybody is too young to have to go through what happened to Yuji in Shibuya).

Children should have the privilege to be children. That doesn’t mean coddling, it means that children should have plenty of time to experience new things, enjoy being a child, and I’m so happy Nanami says this!

In conclusion, Nanami deserves happiness and a vacation to Kuantan 🥺

YOSHINO JUNPEI!!! He and his mom deserve happiness, they’re both precious beans. I didn’t even realize Junpei was dead until 5+ chapters later. But it was too late, for I had already gotten attached!!! *cue curse worthy screeching*

I was so excited for Junpei to join Jujutsu Tech, too! I had this whole headcanon of Junpei being HAPPY again, talking about movies with Yuji, interacting with the other first years, him seeing Panda for the first time!!! The thing was, back then, it wasn’t headcanon! I thought it was going to be facts, until Gege said ‘lol, you thought, peasant’, before spitting on any hope of mine for a happy Junpei.

(On a completely different tangent, I would be SO psyched if I got to meet a talking panda, we could act out all of “Kung Fu Panda” together, especially the chopstick scene, and maybe we could go to a zoo, just to mess with the zookeepers about a honest to god PANDA walking on its hind legs around the zoo)

‘If Junpei had lived’ is a phrase I think about a lot, and I think that is why the “Young Fish and Reverse Punishment” arc was so crucial to the story and yet so tragic.

Junpei has so much potential to be happy, and then he didn’t get the happiness he deserves. It really sets the tone, the high stakes to the whole manga, for we see the amount of damage a curse inflicts on somebody who could be in a situation like Junpei.

As the readers, we understand the reasoning behind Junpei’s ideology, sympathizing with him as we see what horrible torment he has to go through. That very first scene of this arc, where the bullies made him eat the cockroach and BURNED HIM WITH A LIT CIGARETTE, and the teacher who saw all of this happening, JUST TURNS AWAY!!! It was haunting. But finally, finally, we get a light at the tunnel for Junpei in the form of our lord and saviour, the cinnamon roll of cinnamon rolls, Itadori Yuji. HERE is a person who is able to connect with Junpei, who wouldn’t dismiss how Junpei’s circumstances or feelings. and then Junpei dies.

(look at this cute face, how could you Mahito?!)

Also, the symbolism in the opening? The Junpei fish ENLARGING??? HNKDJSFLJDSF JUNPEI NOOO-

Also ALSO (sorry this is the last ‘also’), did we ever learn if Junpei was a sorcerer, or was he a window that possessed enough talent to summon a shikigami? I at first thought Junpei was a window, since he was able to see Mahito, and was hoping that we’d get a more detailed explanation of what windows actually do. (Do they just wander around Tokyo, or wherever they live, and act all ‘La Dee Da, just living my regular, normal life, oOOHHH is that a special grade? Tell that to the sorcerers, maybe I’ll get a bonus!’ Is their life basically a demented version of Pokemon Go? I have so many questions-)

All the villains were well written, and had super cool character designs. My top three villains other than Sukuna, my top three villains are Geto, and Mahito.

Geto’s backstory in the Hidden Inventory arc was so incredibly written, I especially liked the way Gege wrote how Getou’s righteous ideals gradually deteriorating throughout the Hidden Inventory arc as he realizes the depth of the curses of humanity, the dark hatred the “weak” hold towards things they have no understanding of. (i.e. Riko’s death by the Star Religious Group, Haibara’s death, and finally the villagers ignorant treatment and abuse towards Geto’s twins, Mimiko and Nanako, beating and imprisoning them for “causing” the deaths of the villagers) Geto’s chilling charisma and the reasoning behind his actions as a villain makes him a top tier villain in my eyes.

As for Mahito, I love to hate him, and that why I think he is a great antagonist. I guess I’ve just been seeing a lot of villains that because of their tragic backstories, the readers or characters sympathize with them and rationalising their actions, turning the villain into a flaky antihero of lesser impact. It’s very refreshing to have a villain who is just pure evil.

I think that Mahito fulfilled his purpose as an antagonist very well; his twisted ideals on the worth of human life foiling Itadori’s own ideals of giving others a “proper death”, the curse making Yuji continuously adapt both physically and mentally to defeat him. Physically, by learning new spells and techniques to defeat Mahito, such as the Black Flash (and possibly his own cursed technique! The weird “Past That Never Happened” in the fights with Choso and Todo), or mentally, by questioning his ideals, such as what exactly is a “proper death”, after Yuji had to kill the transfigured humans.

(Ew look at this worm.)

Some Honorable Mentions of Good Villains IMO: Jogo, because I find his ideals of curses, who stem from the true emotions of hatred and fear, being superior yet suppressed by the emotionally faceted humans is definitely fascinating, and eerily reminds me of Geto’s hatred towards non sorcerers. Dagon was pretty cute in his Cursed Womb stage, and I really liked Hanami because the eldritch environmentalist aesthetic is pretty coolio 👌 .

How do Inumaki children learn to speak if all the adults barely talk, only saying inane words like “salmon” and NOT ACTUALLY meaning “salmon, the fish” but an adult secret code for a definition that you might not even know?? Or do the adults just charmspeak the kids, like “SPEAK small child, and have full language comprehension, O tiny ball of pudge!” and boom! Babies talking in complete sentences, maybe understanding weird adult customs. Will the child know when then adult actually mean salmon, the fish, and not the code word salmon?

Let’s assume that Inumaki clan children from learning to speak to four or six years old will be able to speak normally until the clan technique sets in (because that’s when the jjk wiki says cursed techniques kick in). How do you explain to a toddler: “Hey sweetie, happy birthday, have a present! Oh, by the way, those cool tattoos of yours mean that you can’t talk normally to anybody anymore, EVER. Only using these specific words as code to mean these specific meanings, restricting any chance of normal interactions with non-sorcerers if by some inane chance you DON’T want to become a child soldier jujutsu sorcerer. Welp, guess you have to become a jujutsu sorcerer now! Make sure to restrict your choice of words, you could kill somebody! Have fun playing with your Legos honey, welcome to adult life.” Like, EXCUSE ME?

You can’t tell mw a four year old is expected to understand that (or didn’t kill somebody by accident via cursed speech. That MUST have happened at least once).

This is all an elaborate way of saying please give us Inumaki backstory, I’m very curious.

Anyways, thank you for reading my post, and I hope you have a nice day!

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urmomsstuntdouble · 3 years

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If ur still doing the 100 followers thing, well I challenge YOU with deciphering Lithuania.

ok anon thank you so much for asking this question because i have in fact recently fallen in love with lithuania, because they are such an interesting character! (also hhhh im so sorry for how late this is)

Gender

As you may have noticed, I usually use they/them pronouns to refer to Lithuania. I hc them as being nonbinary and using he/they pronouns, though I personally prefer to use they rather than he in that case because. Idk what pronouns you use. But in my experience it’s really hard to get people to call you ‘they’ when you go by ‘he/they’ or ‘she/they’ or smth like that. Though I don't imagine any of the nations are very attached to their “birth gender” (are nations born???), lithuania is one of those who is a bit less attached. They’re just sort of there, in terms of gender. In my headcanons i also think this has something to do with religion, as lithuania was one of the last european countries to convert to Christianity- just because so much of gender as we know it comes from christianity and what people in the 16th and 17th centuries considered a ‘good’ christian. Thats not to say that there are no gender roles in other religions, but that the way westerners typically conceptualize gender has quite a lot to do with the religious conflicts occurring within christianity. Like you can trace the ideas behind the nuclear family archetype back to the protestant reformation. Additionally, I hc them as being Jewish, which further distances them from the western christian gender roles (though that’s not why i hc them as jewish! More on that later). Finally, i just like myself some trans/nb characters. There’s so few popular trans hcs and that makes me kinda sad ya know? Welcome to the trans agenda its just me projecting onto all my faves

Mental Health

Okay, so, i think it’s pretty well known that lithuania’s mental health is wack. They’re often characterised as being a very anxious person, but i think the ways in which they’re anxious is super interesting. For one, they are extremely conflict averse and like to avoid it by being a sort of people pleaser. It’s a sort of defense mechanism, because nobody can hate you if you do whatever they say. Like, if you let people be shitty to you, they won’t hate you for your personality. This is clearly flawed logic because then people are still going to be shitty to you, but. It makes sense to liet. In their mind, it’s okay to let people hurt if your reason is sound enough- Because if they’re not super emotionally engaged in a relationship that’s unhealthy for them, then they can’t get hurt, right? Of course, they can. A good example of this is their relationship with Russia. I think tolvydas sees compliance as necessary there, in order to avoid being hurt. The thing is…compliance is also hurting them, even if they see it as ‘worth it.’ To them, behaving in a submissive way is a survival tactic. A really bad one, but a survival tactic nonetheless.

This also plays into their tendency to be self-martyring. I think Tolvydas is very good at fighting, and all around a really awesome warrior (strong aragorn energy), which makes them think that they need to be the one to save everyone. Hero complex, sort of. This, coupled with their almost maternal care for Latvia and Estonia, makes them feel like they have a sort of weight-of-the-world on their shoulders. Though Estonia and Latvia do look up to them a lot, Tolvydas can sometimes fail to realise that they are also their own people and can fight their own battles. He feels a sort of obligation to protect them due to their shared culture and languages as The Baltic Trio, though it doesn’t go much further than a sense of obligation. They spent most of their youth fighting, to the extent that that’s most of what Tolvydas personally knows as ‘life,’ but they never actually got to know the other two Baltics very well until the modern day. They have to protect, have to be a caregiver, but they don’t actually know super well the things they’re trying to protect. It’s both a sense of obligation to protect as well as the sense that this is all they’re good at and as long as they’re fighting for a morally just cause, that’ll do.

I think something that would expose this flaw would be when they were first taken over by the Russian Empire in the 1790s, they were pretty miserable about a lot of things- Like the loss of all their territory and the sudden statelessness of their people- but a big one would’ve been the loss of Poland. This isn’t meant to be super shippy, but you know. They were united into one kingdom, and they had been for centuries, so i don’t imagine it was an easy separation. Though this is more up for debate where real people are concerned, these characters were essentially a big part of each other, ya know? Regardless of how much Lithuania actually likes Poland, they’re still a part of each other and that separation will undoubtedly be painful. Anyway, all that is to say that this separation was at the forefront of their mind during the beginning of the 19th century, and they let it sort of prevent them from taking care of the other Baltics. The issue with that is that they still considered themself to be protecting Estonia and Latvia, even though, in reality, nobody was. Also in reality, Lithuania was making themself out to be the worst off, and were generally sort of annoying to be around at this point in time. Their whole woe-is-me attitude wasn’t fun, and they were hypocritical in that they saw themself as being a better friend than they actually were. They still see themself as being a great friend, and though it’s improved in recent years, they’re still sort of. Flighty, i guess, where friendship is concerned. There was also a lot of annoyance by the other baltics about them being so self-martyring- Tolvydas was Ivan’s favorite, after all (that’s not necessarily a good thing, but. He was softer on them in certain ways). Anyway, I guess the big takeaway of this paragraph is that Liet often lets their self perception cloud the way they act in relationships.

Much of the stuff I’ve mentioned so far is a result of them having quite a lot of PTSD. I think Lithuania’s character tends to be explored through a few common lenses, those being the medieval vibes of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth and through being oppressed by the Russian Empire/Soviet Union. Not to say that there’s not a lot of other content about them, but this is what I see most often. I think that all the nations have some form of PTSD, but with Lithuania it’s very pronounced, and it’s made clear that a lot of their tendencies are a result of past trauma- Like the need to take care of others. This is likely originating with their childhood, as they grew up in a very violent environment where their survival was never guaranteed (survivor’s guilt much?) and violence was just the way of things. This is where the need to protect comes from. There used to be several more Baltic nations, though you could argue that now there’s only two- Lithuania and Latvia, as Estonia does not speak a Baltic language and would really like to be considered Nordic.

Finally, Lithuania is also an interesting character where forgiveness is concerned. I think their sense of morality is very black and white, so some people (Feliks) will be easily forgiven where others (Ivan) will not. In reality, I think it would definitely be valid for Tolvydas to hate both of them, yet they don't- Because they decided that Feliks was a friend and Ivan was not. Both Feliks and Ivan care very deeply about them, but neither treats Tolvydas in a very good way. Of course, I’m aware that the situation in the Russian Empire/USSR and the Commonwealth were very different, but I’m talking about these three dudes and their relationships with each other beyond the lens of politics. Because Feliks tried to be their friend in a way that didn’t hurt them tremendously, and because. Look at them, Feliks isn’t 5’4 and can’t hurt you. They’re not an intimidating person and they’re not incredibly powerful like Ivan is. Though that’s not all of it- Feliks’ feelings for Tolvydas are definitely a purer, more selfless type of love than what Ivan feels for them- it makes it harder for Tolvydas to hold a grudge against them. Whereas for Ivan, their relationship was about control. He needed to control them as a way of expressing how he felt about them. He represents a lot of what Tolvydas fought against in their youth, so of course they hate him. Of course, I don’t think they like holding grudges. They want to be able to care for everyone, because they know that everyone deserves to be treated well and cared for and all that. You can't exactly do that if you hold a grudge against someone, so it actually kind of sucks for them when they see someone they hate suffering. It’s a sort of conflict of interest- The caregiving instincts vs the hatred for this person- and they often don’t know what to do in that situation. Usually they wind up helping but not happy about it. They just don’t want to see others suffer, despite the fact that they dislike this person (Russia is of course the exception. They don’t want to help him at all anymore).

Relationship with family

So, this is a bit of an interesting topic. I think the Baltics consider themselves family just because of what they’ve been through together, but they’re not actually blood related. Though they share similar cultures, and languages, they’re just not related. Maybe Lithuania and Latvia are cousins, but yeah. Lithuania sees themself as the head of their little family, as they have the oldest surviving European culture and language. They sometimes get in their head about that, and can act like both a mom friend and a mom who is bad at mom-ing. It’s a sort of self appointed thing, and can be really annoying to the other two. They don’t pay the utmost attention to their fellow Baltics, and are more concerned with physical well being than emotional well being, so, despite establishing themself as a caretaker, do not wind up actually caring for the other Baltics in the ways they need to be cared for.

Fighting style

So, as I’ve mentioned, Lithuania is a talented fighter. They go hard as shit, and can very much kick your ass. I think they prefer to be very technical about how they fight, with something boring like a broadsword as their weapon of choice, but are not afraid to fight dirty. Like rip off an ear with their teeth kind of playing dirty. I think they take fighting very seriously. Though Lithuania as we know it is only about 800 years old, I think Tolvydas is much older. The definition of a nation (a large body of people united by common descent, history, culture, or language, inhabiting a particular country or territory, according to the oxford dictionary) does not require there to be a central governing body, so I think it’s quite possible for Lithuania to be well over 2000. Anyway, all that is to say that they didn’t grow up in medieval times, so by the time they’re like. Achieving dominance in Eastern Europe, they’re already very old and well versed in many different styles of fighting. In the modern day, I think they’ve learned more different fighting styles from other parts of the world, but will always fall back on the way they learned how to fight in ancient times.

Religion

So as I mentioned earlier, Lithuania is Jewish in my headcanons (orthodox, specifically. I think they're kinda traditional). I have a couple reasons for this- There has been a historical presence of Ashkenazi Jews in Lithuania, going back to the 13th or 14th century, and this is due to certain legal protections granted to Jewish people under pre-Commonwealth law. They were legally on similar footing to the average free people of Lithuania, and were able to create a slightly more prosperous community than Jews in other areas of Europe. This was also affected by the Black Plague of the 1340s. Orthodox Jews tend to put a high value on cleanliness, and often have two sinks in their houses (my childhood home, for example, had two sinks, and i lived in a majority jewish area). They also happened to be concentrated in Eastern Europe, due to the protections. Because of this, Eastern European Jews have some of the highest sruvival rates for the Black Plague and actually brought up the survival rates of the region as a whole- Though this also resulted in some intense antisemitism, as many Christians blamed Jewish people for the plague even happening, due to their higher survival rates. Despite various expulsions and the loss of legal rights, the Jewish population remained relatively steady up until world war 2. Jewish people made up about 10% of the total population of Lithuania in 1941, and 45% of the total population of Vilnius. (To put this in perspective, the entire world population is only about 0.2% Jewish). Anyway, all this is to say that it’s not out of the question for Lithuania to be Jewish.

Extras/Fun stuff

Lithuania loves reading, especially the fantasy/fairy tale genre. It makes them nostalgic without the trauma of reading historical fiction.

They’re also very musically gifted, and can play the piano, bass, ukelele, and flute.

They wear docs.

They love hot chocolate.

They remind me of both Aragorn from lotr and Hozier. They’re such a sweet lad.

Bicon who has like 5 people thirsting for them at a given moment but is either oblivious or not looking for a relationship right now.

Here are my fics with lithuania as a main character!

My previous character analyses of lithuania (sorry they’re mostly in shipping contexts, rip) and another good analysis someone else did

My playlist for them

and i think thats it! of course i could always talk more about them, but those are my thoughts for now! thank you so much for the ask, i hope i was able to meet your challenge!

writing requests

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healingchildhoodtrauma · 4 years

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My parents met in AA. They consider every day they don’t drink to be a success. But I look deeper and wonder, what caused them to drink? They’re both open about how they were abused as children. Neither of them have thoroughly worked through their trauma, other than AA meetings. They both had other addictions even when they stopped drinking. They basically “white knuckled” their way through life until they could vent at AA meetings. They took me to a couple meetings as a child and told me to never start drinking or I wouldn’t be able to stop. The more I read about the things wrong with AA, the more I understand my parents and how they raised us. My dad was a “counselor” in AA, which is horrifying.

“People with alcohol problems also suffer from higher-than-normal rates of mental-health issues, and research has shown that treating depression and anxiety with medication can reduce drinking. But AA is not equipped to address these issues—it is a support group whose leaders lack professional training—and some meetings are more accepting than others of the idea that members may need therapy and/or medication in addition to the group’s help.

The founder of AA based its principles on the beliefs of the evangelical Oxford Group, which taught that people were sinners who, through confession and God’s help, could right their paths.” https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/04/the-irrationality-of-alcoholics-anonymous/386255/

“Any certified professional in the field of addiction treatment can tell you that heavy drinking or drug use is most often times a signal of an undiagnosed mental health issue such as depression or anxiety. There is rarely, if ever, any talk about mental health in the rooms of AA. Therefore, someone who is self-medicating their depression with alcohol and who attends AA will be told that they have a ‘disease, for which there is no known cure’ and that the only solution is for them to attend meetings for the rest of their life.” https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/survivingmentalhealthstigma/2013/02/one-step-forward-twelve-steps-back

“Alcoholics Anonymous, Circular Reasoning, and Group Think

Alcoholics can engage in a dangerous form of group think. There is this ‘us and them’ mentality, and members are encouraged to think of themselves as this special group with special problems. This feeling of having a unique set of problems can border on the ridiculous – I’ve heard people in Alcoholics Anonymous suffering from the common cold who talk as if they have some type of special alcoholic’s cold.

Those who follow the AA program can feel threatened by any type of criticism, and they sometimes seem more interested in defending AA than in helping alcoholics. I can’t remember ever meeting even one member of that group who was willing to suggest any other option than the meetings. This is all made to seem acceptable by using some fancy circular reasoning – if you are an alcoholic your only real hope is AA, but if you manage to get sober without AA you were never a real alcoholic to begin with.” http://paulgarrigan.com/dangers-of-alcoholics-anonymous/

“Deprogramming From AA—When a Fellowship Resembles a Cult

Some report having been coerced into going off their psychiatric medications, against their doctors’ advice. Others became frustrated with the lack of scientific evidence behind AA’s program. Others still are angry that any inquiry into other options is not only discouraged, but sometimes actively punished—by exclusion from social events, public humiliation at meetings, and constant reminders of the AA saying that to leave the program can only result in “jails, institutions and death.”

Many feel that they replaced their addiction to a substance with an addiction to the program.

Another issue that departing 12-step members report as concerning is suddenly dealing with all the issues that drove them to substance use in the first place, but weren’t adequately addressed in the program. People with a history of trauma, in particular, can find that the onslaught of pain and memories—repressed while they were told in AA that “alcoholism,” was the root of all their problems—can be almost unbearable.

“I would venture to say three-quarters, if not more, of the people in AA are suffering from depression or anxiety or survivors of trauma, and were using alcohol to self-medicate,” said Rachel Bernstein. “So then you have people who are derailed from a more direct and relevant path to dealing with their particular issues, and instead they are told that alcohol is the only source of their problem.”

Regarding the nature of “sharing” in meetings, Bernstein said, “Within 12-step groups, there are people who can defend against the social pressures, and others who can’t. They don’t want anyone to be unhappy with them so they’ll say what they need to say, they’ll make commitments, they’ll ‘admit’ things about themselves even if they aren’t true.”

“They’ll do that in a room full of people who are not mental health professionals and do not know how to hold onto that information in a safe way or help you heal,” she continued.

Within AA, she experienced sexual abuse from her sponsor and men her sponsor insisted she date. She was told that the sexual abuse she endured as a child and the rape she experienced as an adult were her fault.

Even more frightening, Alice said, is that she looked and even believed she was happy during this time. “Upon hearing that I had a negative experience in AA, people that knew me during that 10-year period might be shocked. ‘But she seemed so happy,’ they might say… ‘How could she say that?’”

“My answer to this,” she continued, “is that yes, I was very happy–in fact, I was euphoric at times when I went to AA. This was because I was suppressing all of the emotions and things that AA told me would lead me to drink: anger, sadness, grief, critical thinking, negative thoughts, my intelligence. This led me to have a kind of false gratefulness, happiness and peace that only lasted for so long.”

Both Rachel Bernstein and Monica Richardson give concrete advice on how a person thinking of leaving AA or any 12-step program, and wishing to deprogram, should proceed.

Bernstein advises:

1. Learn about methods of control and manipulative tactics. Bring a checklist to your next meeting and check off the techniques as you see them. You’ll be able to see for yourself if this group is treating you respectfully and being open about its intentions, or if it’s using manipulation to not only keep you there but make you feel like you have no choice but to stay. Here is a checklist of tactics to look out for:

* You are taught that the teachings and techniques are perfect. So if they are not working as intended, it’s because you are not following them the right way, or trying hard enough.

* The organization defines you, tells you what you are, who you are, and how to see yourself.

* Questioning or doubting the teachings is wrong and seen as an issue/problem of yours instead of your fundamental right.

* The organization is a closed system, and any issues you have with it have to stay in-house; there is no outside and/or objective governing body to bring your concerns to.

* Dependency is built into the system by making you feel that you cannot trust yourself on your own, and left to your own devices you would always make the wrong decision and your life would spiral downward.

* You never graduate. You are never done. Your participation and adherence to the teachings are expected to be lifelong.

* You are made to feel these are the only people you can trust in your life, and those outside the group are not able to support and ensure the path you should be on.

* The influence technique of “scarcity” is used by conveying the message that this group is the only group in the world that can give you what you need.

* It has its own social norms and lingo that are different from those in the outside community, so you feel more understood by those in the group and more a part of the world of the group, and this can separate you from those in the outside community.

* The group has one system it provides. No other systems or philosophies are integrated. So, whatever the system is designed to address is the only thing that’s addressed, and other potentially primary issues are ignored. Part of the “If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail” idea, this can cause people to be misdiagnosed and to be derailed from getting help they may need with their true underlying issues.” https://filtermag.org/deprogramming-from-aa-when-a-fellowship-resembles-a-cult/

“And so, the AA accusation that alcoholics are people unable to recognize their wrongdoings and character defects sounded familiar to me. The “fellowship” had the same symptoms as a narcissist! And, once again, I was defenseless. A narcissist is never wrong, just as if you relapse in AA it is your fault, never AA's fault. Narcissists see everyone as their mirror, and if you agree with them all is well. If you disagree, you are an enemy. The AA members I met became instantly defensive whenever I criticized AA. They were like my mother!

If I asked questions, I was told "You think you know it all, but your own best thinking got you here." Hearing that I was powerless and that without AA I would die sounded very familiar to me. AA rules by the same fear and confusion abusers like my mother and my rapist use to keep their victims under control.” https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/addiction-in-society/201405/woman-fights-aa-alcoholics-anonymous-narcissist?amp

“AA was part of a Protestant evangelical group for the first several years of its existence, and its 12-step program is blatantly religious by any reasonable definition of the word. AA is supportive — as long as you parrot its party line. It’s nonjudgmental–again, as long as you parrot the party line. AA is not purely voluntary; over a million Americans per year are coerced into attending it via court orders and employee assistance programs, as a condition of avoiding jail or keeping their jobs; and many of AA’s promoters insist that AA doesn’t promote itself, even as they do exactly that. As for AA members being “better than well,” attend any meeting and judge for yourself. And AA does have serious negative aspects, both for its members and those merely exposed to it.” https://seesharppress.wordpress.com/2014/02/26/alcoholics-anonymous-does-more-harm-than-good/

Reading these things provides more context for why my family operated like a cult, headed by my narcissist mother and antisocial father. My mother went from being raised Catholic to AA.. both engaging in abuse, mind control, victim blaming and excessive confession of wrong doing/shame. This gives me a lot of insight into her patterns of black and white thinking, scapegoating, suppression, and abuse of power. It makes sense now why I was shamed/vilified for speaking out against the groupthink. Emotional abuse wasn’t an exception to the rule, emotional abuse was the way of life.

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jenn-coffin · 3 years

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Dear her

I remember my moment of clarity like it was yesterday. Which is interesting because I don’t remember much detail from that period of my life. The constant violence, anger and unpredictability put me into a state of fight or flight 24/7, and I have learned that when you live in trauma your mind forgets details in order to protect itself. My mind was protecting me long before I saw the danger I was in. But I remember my moment of clarity. I lived in this adorable little cottage in the old part of town. It was the place to be. We were surrounded by historic remodeled homes, and our little 1920’s cottage was tiny, mended and fixed up just enough to be liveable. I loved that home. It was what I always dreamed of living in when newly married and starting a family. I remember I was standing in the bathroom and I had just thrown up, which is how I started most mornings. At that point I was waking up with uncontrollable anxiety and fear. I couldn’t get out of bed without feeling nauseous. It had become my new routine, start the coffee pot, throw up, get ready for work. But this day was different, I was standing in the bathroom, not wanting to walk into the kitchen, not ready to put on a fake smile and my “everything is ok” look for my husband, I was staring at the scars all over the bathroom walls, partly from the age of the house and some from my husband's fists. I looked in the mirror and I finally saw the darkness I was feeling in my heart through my eyes. I felt as close to dead as one can while still being alive. I didn’t know what to do then, but I did know I was not living, I was barely surviving, and my body was disintegrating from the torture of abuse. I am not religious, It's kind of cheesy, maybe cliche, but in that moment I was reminded of the serenity prayer:“God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”I finally saw that I could not control my husband's abuse, but I could control how I reacted, and it was getting time to leave.Shortly after that morning, my husband’s violence escalated to hitting me in public. It was still another two months before I filed for divorce. I share all of this because when I was asked to write this letter I realized I am writing to her. That woman staring at me in the mirror of that broken bathroom, in my dream home. I pray I never forget that darkness. It keeps me connected to where I came from, what I have overcome, and what others suffering in the silence of domestic violence need to hear.Dear Her,There is no other way to say this except, this situation you are in, being in love with a sick person, sucks. No matter how you look at it, living in this abuse is scary and it's sad. You have zero control of his continued choice to hurt you. I know he tells you differently, that he can’t control himself. He says it's because he has anger issues, and his anger is because of his childhood, or because he can’t keep a job, or because of alcohol, or because he is stressed about money, or because of his parents divorce, or because of his strained relationship with his sister, or because you don’t understand how to make him happy, or because of the way you said something. The list goes on and evolves depending on which excuse is closest to grab after the beating. The fact is, his abuse is a choice. His anger is a choice. He is able to control it when he is around other people. Just not you. This shows that he does have a choice and he chooses to hurt you. He hurts you because in his twisted sick mind, your tears and your fear and your pleading for him to stop because you love him makes him feel loved. It's weird, I know, with time you will start to understand this about abusive people. For now, you just need to know that his abuse is a choice that he makes every time he does it, and every time he doesn’t get help.Domestic violence, is hard to escape for many reasons, but the hardest to overcome is the genuine love you have for them. You have evaluated your love for him time and time again to make sure you are willing to stick around through hell until the love of your life can return and treat you like they did at the beginning. It's true, you do love him, and honestly, you won't ever stop loving him. You sincerely meant and believed your vows. When you said in sickness and health, you meant it, but unfortunately his sickness is actually hurting and killing you. He broke both of your vows when he started hurting you with the verbal, emotional, psychological and physical abuse. You cannot break something that is already broken, and he broke your vows for the both of you.Please know that you did not cause the abuse. There is nothing you could have done to keep him from doing the things he did. There is very little you could have done to have kept from falling in love with an abusive person. Domestic violence does not happen to an individual because of their characteristics, family background, mental health, race, sexual orientation, financial status, or an unconscious search for a certain type of partner. It can happen to anyone who has the misfortune of becoming involved with a person who wants power and control. You did not “let” abuse happen to you, you did not “allow it,” you did not get swept up into the cycle of abuse because of something wrong or lacking in you. You got swept up because that is how powerful the cycle of abuse is. Repeat this to yourself daily, write it on a sticky note, dedicate time, energy and emotion for this truth to sink in. It will help you forgive yourself, and you have to forgive yourself in order to live again.When you first get out, your life is instantly going to expand. Don’t get me wrong, you will grieve, but you will begin to feel the freedom of not living in fear. Enjoy this time, play with family and friends, let yourself dream about what your life in freedom will look like. This moment is called the pink cloud, and unfortunately it is temporary. Fear will creep back in through nightmares and potential stalking and harassing behaviors of your abuser. Enjoy the joy and dream the dreams you make during this time because it will be your fuel to continue healing and further separate from your abuser through the dark times in recovery.Connect with other survivors. You are part of an unfortunate club of badass, strong as hell, resilient, strategic, empowered, survivors. Survivors of abuse have some of the most powerful skill sets. We can manage high stress situations, juggle emotional turmoil, while managing our day to day responsibilities, care for others, and put on a smile while we do it. Through recovery and working with other survivors I have found that the soft skills I learned to survive abuse now are my greatest assets. But we need one another to recover and we need recovery to ensure these skills of ours are used for our health and benefit, and not for our detriment. As another survivor and author, Leslie Morgan Steiner says, “abuse thrives in silence.” When you feel the pangs of abuse creep in, and have thoughts of loneliness, despair, regret, self hate, disappointment, or worthlessness, talk to another survivor. Sitting in those feelings, mulling over them, trying to sort them out on your own, trying to understand what happened to you, what you did wrong, alone, is sitting in silence and continuing the isolation your abuser put you in. The shame of abuse is not yours to carry. Refuse to hold shame for something, someone else chose to do to you. To recover we have to step out of that silence and shame, we have to step out of our shell and talk about our experience. Only other survivors of abuse understand where we are, what we are feeling, and can offer solutions to get out of the holes our abusive partners put us in. This is why it is vital to find and connect to other survivors. We have all been there, we get it, and in fact, talking to new survivors helps us in our continued recovery as well. You can connect with other survivors by getting involved with a shelter or non-profit in your area. If by chance you are unable to connect to a local organization, which can be quite hard, you can find communities of survivors on Facebook and Instagram.No matter how hard you tried to not let their words of abuse sink in to how you see or believe yourself to be, more likely than not, they did. That's ok, with time the voices in your head will be yours again. It is not an easy or fast process, but it is possible. You need to practice everyday, identifying their voice and then replacing it with yours. It takes time but it is doable. Working with a therapist and other survivors will help you see when this is happening and help you change it.Recovery is hard. Sometimes it feels harder than it was to live in the abuse. In these moments you may think about going back. Don’t forget, you survived the abuse, you can survive recovery. You are going to miss them and hate that you miss someone that hurt you like they did. You will have nightmares, flashbacks, and sometimes feel paralyzed in fear. You will have a hard time focusing at work because you are hyper vigilant, a side effect of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Your other relationships may be difficult because of behaviors you learned in the abuse. Even if you don’t understand it, or think you need it, find a therapist that understands domestic violence and talk to other survivors. Talking to someone with a shared experience gets us out of the dark parts of recovery and empowers us to keep moving forward. Recovery is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, and relearning how to meet our individual needs one need at a time. Reach out and ask for help when you don’t think you will make it through a day. We have all been there. Again, you survived the abuse, you can survive the recovery.Give yourself grace...As survivors of domestic abuse, giving ourselves grace is 100% necessary and unbelievably hard to do. I believe learning self grace is difficult for most people, but the difference for survivors of abuse is that doing it, giving ourselves grace, can literally feel unsafe in our minds and bodies. We have been conditioned to believe that giving ourselves a pass, or grace, is putting our guard down. We have learned that if we take responsibility, assume blame and make our self disappointment known, we can sometimes reduce or curb moments of violence with our abuser. Once we are free from abuse, victim blaming culture tells us we should be disappointed in ourselves for getting into and allowing abuse in our relationship. Looking back on my journey I see that there are two roads of recovery that run parallel to one another. One road is bereavement and it is lined with never ending regret, self hatred, and living in our trauma. The other road is self grace and lined with self forgiveness, love, appreciation and understanding our trauma. Unlike most parts of recovery, we have complete control over which road we take. Here is the deal, to step from bereavement to grace, we have to understand and accept that while living in abuse, we were doing the best we could with the information we had at the time of assault. The information we lacked or lack is that we were in the cycle of abuse, and that there is no fixing or stopping abusive behavior, there is only leaving and separating from it. Again, domestic violence does not happen to an individual because of their characteristics, family background, mental health, race, sexual orientation, financial status, or an unconscious search for a certain type of partner. It can happen to anyone who has the misfortune of becoming involved with a person who wants power and control.It takes work, but things do get better, that I promise you.Check out more blog posts at jenncoffin.com

#domesticviolence #domesticabuse #domesticviolencesurvivor #domesticviolenceawareness #ptsd #recovery

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helihi · 4 years

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The Good, The Bad, and the Dirty: Spop season 5

I’ve stopped screaming, and I took the time to rewatch season 5 with my little brother. So, here are my thoughts:

The Good

Horde Prime - The cult™ : I really dig the aesthetics, that combo of religious fanatics + fascism hit good. The crew did a good job at portraying Horde Prime as the ultimate villain of the show. He was engaging to watch and his ideology was pretty clear. The way they played with the hive mind concept was really fun, and it was Horde Prime’s biggest strength. He was also a very good manipulator, successfully playing with Glimmer and Adora. He was unsuccessful with Catra because she had already hit her lowest point.

Entrapta: honestly, she was the most hilarious character this season. Not only was she engaging to watch and listen to, I felt really connected to her this season. The fight with Mermista hit really good and it hurt, but you could see her trying her best. I love how open she is and how accepting of everyone and everything. I’m glad we got to see so much of her this season.

Scorpia: baby, she only deserves good things in life. When she got mind control, you could see how fucking powerful she is, but luckily for us, we got to see her shine independently before that. Her interactions with Swift Wind, Perfuma, and Double Trouble made her shine. She’s smart, talented, and without an evil bone in her body. I’m happy she can move on from Catra and find love and friendship. (I hope she reconnects with Lonnie, Rogelio and Kyle in the future too)

Mermista: babe, you were always mood. She has been consistently funny, her get ups and plans are so entertaining to watch, but also: her relationship with Sea Hawk is great! They are definitely made for each other. I’m sad she was mine controlled for the other half of the season, but I’m happy we got to see a lot of her before. (Also she burned someone’s ship OMG GANGSTER SUIT)

Sea Hawk: happy to see him back. He was funny as always, and I’m happy he got his moment with Mermista at the end.

Perfuma: “ADORA, WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?” “A TANK” “NO!” Her relationship with Scorpia is so good! I wish we could’ve seen more.

Netossa: I was one of those who was sad to know the 2 canon lesbians of the show were just background characters. I am so incredibly happy to see her shine this season! SHE SAID MY WIFE. She is the queen of the roasts and I stan.

Spinnerella: Dude, I didn’t know you were this powerful what the fuck. Also, your wife is super cute and she draws like Noelle.

Emotional Support Cat: Bro, I love Melog’s design. I think it was a really clever way to have Catra express her feelings and process them out loud for the audience by giving Catra a supernatural cat.

New She-ra design: I see the subtle reference to Bow, Glimmer and Catra in the design. Honestly, Adora looks 100% more badass.

Not Hordak: I really wish he had picked a name from himself. Aside from Entrapta, this might be the other hilarious character of the season. He goes through his individualization process in a healthier way than Hordak and showcases that the clones can be different from Horde Prime and rehabilitated. I wonder how he will feel about Hordak? But we got no epilogue so idk I guess.

Darla: I can’t believe they named the ship, but I love it.

The Best Friends Squad: I swear to god, when Bow, then Glimmer and then Catra interrupted Adora’s train of thought, I knew we were going to have a great dynamic. The way their characters play of each other is hilarious. Bow, who usually has the only braincell, is cautious and a total dad; Adora is the dumb jock with the heart of gold that gets herself into trouble; Glimmer is the chaotic enchantress with no patience; and finally Catra who’s got all her walls up, but gets shit done. I want a show of them together going on misions and almost dying in the process, thank you.

Catra Redemption: You wanted it, and here you have it! I was cheering for Catra this whole season while proclaiming I’d die for her (which I had only reserved for Scopia previously). Though things may be a little rushed, Catra takes her time to process things, and goes back and forth a couple of times. She deflects, lies, and runs away, but in the end she opens up and rushes back.

In general, the season was packed with content. I was never bored through any episodes and I honestly laughed outloud while watching it alone and later with my brother. There were moments when we paused the episode to discuss what had just happened or to process new information. This makes me feel even more weird about the bland season 2/3 division.

The Bad

Okay so, let me make this clear: I will never attack a ship or anyone who supports it. In this blog we multiship like adults and respect other people’s OTPs.

That being said, while this season was long and packed with content, it also felt rushed when it came to the relationships of the main cast

Glimmer - Catra: The prison episodes had barely any interactions between both of them. I wish they’ve had had more time to talk and to connect. There were Glitra moments that make me feel happy, and my brother was for a moment convinced that they could be canon. They are foils of each other after season 4. The conversation they had, where they realize they had a lot of things in common could’ve been a catalyst for both of them to grow and heal. However, Catra has her change of heart really soon and saves Glimmer, which prevents any deep interactions between them in the future. Aside from the jokes, Catra must be with Adora, and Glimmer must be with Bow, so everything else gets dropped.

Glimmer - Adora: The conflict between them after Angela’s “death” was one of the main plot points of last season. When they reunite again, their issues are solved in a couple of minutes and then brushed off. They really don’t have big interactions after that, which feels completely OOC and empty.

Glimmer - Bow: I wasn’t the only one who felt the sharp turn of their relationship. In previous seasons, it was really platonic, but as soon as they see each other again you know they are going to end up together. The camera zoomed on them, Bow was always holding her protectively, the way they looked at each other change. Since Glimmer is not allowed to have intimate moments with anyone else, it kinda dulls everything up. Don’t get me wrong, I love some best friends to lovers, but in this case it felt rushed for me. If I pinpoint the moment things turned romantic for them, it’s the first time they interact in person this season. It didn’t feel organic (contrast with a ship like Korrasami, where you can point at the moment Asami realized she had feelings for Korra, and then later when Korra’s attitude towards Asami changes after the time skip).

Adora - Catra: Honey, we all knew this was going to be end game, and I love the fact that Catra is dealing with her feelings and Adora acknowledges that. However, after the end of season 3, I’d have expected things to progress a little slower. Catra did put some resistance with the chip scene, but even afterwards, what would’ve been better paced with more episodes, was condensed in a few. Don’t get me wrong. I love that Catra redemption, but I’d have loved a better pacing.

BTW for anyone interested: I ship Glitradora, so any of the 3 ships ending up canon were good for me, and I liked Bow/Glimmer, just preferred them as bffs.

There’s a list of characters that barely show up that could’ve had more screentime:

Huntara: barely appears at all. She’s seen fighting, but there are no references to her or a storyline with her.

Lonnie, Rogelio and Kyle: briefly shown. The gay couple of the century have adopted the baby demon and are now the best dads in the desert. Lonnie is their braincell.

Double Trouble: at least they had a scene and lines, but I feel like they could’ve been more involved after they were discovered by Scopria, especially since they escaped with Sea Hawk and Perfuma.

The Star Siblings: idk man, they were part of a whole episode and then faded into the background. It was a glorified cameo for an episode where Glimmer and Bow fight.

Glimmer’s Aunt: sorry but I was asking “where the hell is she?” until she finally showed up late. She barely had any purpose.

The Dirty

Hey, guys, girls, and nonbinary pals, can we sit down and talk about redemptions?

IDK about you, but just because a show is aimed at kids you shouldn’t “redeem” all the villains. This trend bothers me specially when it touches on abuse or totalitarian leaders.

Shadow Weaver was an abuser until the end. She shouldn’t have had a heroic sacrifice, and her “I’m proud of you” line was bitter for me. I’ve said before I was raised in an abusive household and I don’t think it’s healthy to tell children that you can change your abuser or that you can expect them to change without therapy. I’m glad Shadow Weaver died, but I wish her death wasn’t in any way shape or form considered a “redemption”. A heroic act of sacrifice doesn’t erase all the pain she cause and the years of trauma Catra and Adora have had to endure.

Hordak. HEY HEY ETRAPDAK SHIPPERS DON’T COME FOR ME! I was weirded up by the ship until I realized Etrapta is in her late 20s. I’m happy they found each other but I think it’d be better if Hordak had to redeem himself through a life of service to Etheria. He can't erase the horrible things he has done, but with the help of Entrapta and others, he could give back to the community he ruined. Since we don’t have an epilogue, we just see him reuniting with Entrapta at the end and that’s it.

ALSO SOMEONE GIVE MICAH A HAIR TIE. My man, you are not in a hostile island anymore, go rock a dad bun or a dad ponytail!

How do you guys feel about it?

I’m here looking at cute GIFs of Catra and that kiss scene on repeat. I want a Rogelio poster, he was my boy.

#spop #stop spoilers #the good the bad and the dirty #me

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gdreamzseternal · 5 years

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I’d like to thank

@myradfemblog for finding an extremely old porn blog of mine. I forgot it existed and it actually makes me sick to see that I was role playing such sick disgusting trauma that I went through thinking it would help when it made me so much worse. Thank you for abusing me over something I repeatedly asked you to give me the link to because I wasn’t going to go through your slander about me to find it.

I want to also say thanks because you pointing that out and me seeing that made me cry both from being triggered and realizing how far I’ve come. That I am extremely kink critical now. When I used to be heavily into it. That I don’t whore myself out anymore because “sex work makes me strong”. God I used to genuinely believe that. Makes me sick. I was so so sick. I was still victimizing myself back then...

But now.. I am a survivor.

Everyone advocated for and ignored the dangers of extreme methods of “beat the child into submission”. (Looking at you old people) It’s so sad cause I still see it now. The way a person who I had a normal discussion with suddenly gets to violently abuse me and degrade me just because they didn’t like what I had to say. Sounds like abusive parents. Everything’s cool til it’s not.

My dad beat my ass cause at 9 years old because I looked him in the eyes and told him to stop drinking cause he was being mean. Telling the truth got me abused. Look at that what a surprise.

Humans communicate differently than other creatures on the planet. Does that mean the other creatures don’t communicate? No. That just means they do things different. They don’t need vaccines because they were meant to survive and live here. If humans didn’t have their science we would all be dead! We are in a race with the planet to see who can kill who first. Will we kill the planet (which kills us too idiots) or will the planet eradicate us via disease and natural disasters and heal itself and start over (we still dead). Or do we chill on our population and help the earth heal by bein more considerate of our surroundings. Yeah none of you like me because I say it how it is without thinking about how it will affect any of you. So that means you get to abuse me. I’m not hurting anyone by simply sharing my views. Yet I am being hurt for speaking my views. I’m not actively slitting the throats of disabled people. I’m not saying we have to round up the retards that already exist and just shoot them. They should just be left in their natural form. Yeah give artificial limbs out cause that’s science but giving a nasty fat fuck a wheel chair cause boohoo they can’t loose weight? Nah true waste of resources. I’m saying we use the science that is our only advantage to prevent that from ever happening again.

All I’m doing is talking on MY BLOG. & I get death threats and told I should be raped by my father all over again. Simply for sharing my feelings on what will 1000000% save the greater good. It doesn’t even have to be permanent. Imagine if every grown man had to get a vasectomy for the next 20 years til all the excited potential parents get throughly processed to see if they are psychologically, psychically, financially and home stable to have children. Then there is a massive database of all the adorable kids waiting to find homes and they get to meet and have a 30 day period where THE CHILD decides if they like their new potential parents. Every couple/person wanting to adopt can adopt up to 2 kids and the kids get a say too.

Humans are not special and I don’t care if you disagree with me. Yet for some reason we literally act like gods gift (complete pun intended) That think who fucking cares what we do to everything around us including ourselves because this is OUR EARTH. We can do what WE WANT. Blah blah blah. Then the WHITE MEN put control on EVERYONE. Then slowly we colored folk said fuck you and made our own lives cause who gives a flying fuck about someone’s skin color except for white people. Then the humans just started literally takin over. Who cares if a bunch of birds nests lived in this tree? I want my new condo that I spend 2-3 months a year in right fucking here so the homes of those birds don’t matter. Let’s massively hunt these animals into extinction for our pleasure. (Okay Hitlers)

We are selfish

I wasn’t raised like you. I wasn’t raised by anyone but my own fucking brain. I never had any positive influences but the voices in my head. We see the world for what it is and not the false reality im creating for myself. I won’t even say ‘most’ if you were raised right because even today in 2019 the system and adults hide the abuse and damage that is really happening. Clearly this whole system isn’t working.

I was raised that literally everything in the whole world was both good and bad. So I learned to be objective and unbiased. Your feelings are what get you killed. Ask any dead kid who didn’t speak up about their abusive parents. And any bleeding out gangbanger who got felt offended by a color and killed someone over it. Someone who felt the desire to get high cause they have no self control and killed some to get $$. But it wasn’t them because even though they felt the need to do the drugs it wasn’t their fault.

So why are we going to keep adding more and more children to the solution when we don’t even know what to do with the poor innocent souls that we have now? We just pretend it’s not that big a deal and keep adding feul (the kids) to the fire (the shitty system). CLEARLY you all know there’s a problem and nothing any of you are doing is working.

So when do we take extreme measures? When do we ACTUALLY make a change. We have nuclear bombs hell ANY bomb and those are okay “when absolutely necessary” but allowing people to have kids they can’t afford, can’t raise, got raped into them, got one night standed with, can’t handle. A BOMB AFFECTS HUMANS AND THE ENVIRONMENT NEGATIVELY. Humans getting neutered (since that’s what you call it for other creatures) will effect the world positively. The bombs are okay though? We can MASS destroy life but we can’t mass PREVENT it from having to be destroyed or emotionally ruined in the first place? Not forever just til we get our shit together.

The abominations and retards. That’s EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE that’s why no one likes when you mention it. They are like the endless elephant in the room. I will die by the quote, “A few bad apples ruins the whole barrel”. We think that it’s perfectly okay to keep adding bad genes to our makeup while simultaneously praying we live forever. It’s so tiresomely contradicting.

If you can all make such a fucking effort for these retard abominations that you breed. Then you can STOP breeding COMPLETELY until you give the kids homes that need them. Those kids will be more likely to become doctors getting adopted out to good homes. Then if they get left to rot in a shitty system while they walk in a grocery store with their mean foster mom and see a happy young couple PREGNANT with their first child when they could have adopted him. If you choose to give birth instead of adopting then you might as well walk up to a kid in a foster/group home and tell them they are garbage and ain’t ever going anywhere.

I still haven’t had my question answered... why does ANY HUMAN ON THIS ENTIRE PLANET need to breed when there are already so many homeless children?

So what is it are we going to stop breeding and adopt all the kids out to good homes that have been more throughly evaluated than a simple background check and having enough beds and money?

Are we going to keep creating a whole brand new system for the retards when the perfectly able children who would flourish with good parents system is still completely fucked?

Giving whole TV shows to literal human abominations for entertainment. Or humans that are forced to overbreed or sickly do it “for religious reasons”. You get to see how much their disability/struggles makes their life so hard but they are so ~brave and strong~ because society would rather force conjoined twins to spend their lives together or die trying to separate because human euthanasia is wrong until a human kills another human???????

Where does that make sense.

We are going to keep worrying more about the dysfunctional, malfunctioned, rejects of our society before the regular ones? We are going to keep following fake gods we have no proof of so that we don’t have to accept the realities of human nature.

Are we going to not do anything and ignore all the clear issues and keep adding more kids?

The same can be said about the immigrant shit in America. We have so many problems we don’t need anymore people and this place is fucked why would you wanna come here anyway? (I digress on this)

Are we going to keep throwing children out like trash in hopes that someone else will raise the busted nut you let fester in your womb?

Like out of those which one of these which one is the best option? Because all but one are things we are already doing and it isn’t working.

So hate me for being unbiased. But as my therapist (yes I discuss this with BOTH my Ts to make sure I am not delusional) put it. I am not looking at it for the benefit of humans. I’m looking at the benefit of the earth as a whole. I don’t want humans to all die off. But if it’s what it has to take in order for this planet to survive then so be it. There are so many other species, creatures, life on this Planet.

To put it simply you’re all simpleminded.

There is no god because Humans seem to think they are god. & we can breed, have our technology, have our vaccines. But as long as we are still over breeding and not adequately using our resources....

The Human Rights we are fighting for will not matter if there is nothing for the humans to live on.

This Earth is our home and there are too many of us right now. Too many of us doing too many wrong things.

Focus on the Human Wrongs then there will be no need for Human Rights because they will realize they are all just another species on this glorious and beautiful earth.

I know none of you were take anything from this.

You all were taught one way or you think one way and that is it there can’t be any other way and anyone else who thinks differently than that is wrong but at the end of the day my ideas are what will save humanity your ideas are what will destroy it. Your safe space will be irrelevant if you have no where to put it.

A human’s need to add feeling and emotion to everything is our biggest flaw.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk Typing Podcast

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anarchyhorde · 4 years

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@h-toga asked || may i request all these for twice ? 🍯🥛🐢🦄⌛💕💣😵🤲🏡🍬💼⛈️😡💩🌼

send in some headcanon symbols || accepting

LONG POST LONG POST <3 <3 Everything under the cut. this was F U N THANK YOU!! <3

send 🍯 for a food headcanon : Jin isn’t picky when it comes to foods. He likes convenient, anything easy to make and not a lot of work to eat. He lived off microwave meals and junk/fast food for a long time and steal kind of does. Before everything went to hell, he actually liked to occasionally cook. He’s not terrible at it, and is actually talented at cooking different pasta dishes!!!

send🥛for a drink headcanon : he’s a whiskey man and you can’t tell me otherwise. second only to beer. He drinks occasionally, but only when he’s feeling okay to. Drinking can sometimes have the effect of making his condition worse, and he also hates being in positions where he can’t remember what he did. {this is also accompanied by the fact he LOVES being able to just, drink and be hazy for a little while. Aside from that and beer, he actually drinks a decent amount of water, and people are always shocked to learn this about him.

send 🐢 for a mental health headcanon : this man’s mental health is shit. He was diagnosed with BPD at a young age but developed DID due to trauma. He tries a lot of self care, at least he did in the past but it never seemed to help to much. He also has diagnosed anxiety. Even with all of this, he still will put his friend’s mental health first, willingly just pretending he’s okay in order to make sure they are.

send 🦄 for a physical health headcanon: Twice has amazing strength, stamina, acrobatic skill and flexibility built up from years of athletic skill, working on cars and running from police/heroes. He’s in surprising peak physical condition for a man his age despite the constant smoking and beer drinking. He likes to joke that his lungs will go before his actual body gives out.

send ⌛for a sleep headcanon : He tends to stay away for days until he crashes, or he’ll take small 1-two hour “sleep” breaks at night. He suffers from nightmares and insomnia, so sleep is a rarity for him. One the occasion he does finally CRASH, it’s HARD. he’s such a heavy sleeper and tends to snore, but he’s also really cuddly. catch him on his couch or bed clinging to a pillow.

send 💕 for a love headcanon: when he loves, he loves HARD with everything he has, tons of dedication whether it’s romantic or platonic or familial. Love, for him, is built on incredible trust, he has to trust and you trust him in tern. If Twice loves you, you’ve got someone in your life 100% dedicated to you, honestly and truly. He’s also a corny, sapless, hopeless romantic. Things would have to get serious for any physical relations, he has to trust and KNOW you to be that vulnerable.

send 💣 for a stress headcanon: when he’s stressed, he smokes. and that’s often. With his villain life and his split personalities, Jin gets stressed and overwhelmed easier than he likes to let on, so he’ll often disappear for smoke.

send 😵 for a sickness headcanon: he doesn’t get sick often and it takes a lot to bring him down. He has a strong immune system, so on the occasion he is sick, he’s still able to function. Catch him walking around trying to live his life with a crazy high fever and everyone worried but he’s INSISTING he’s okay. Like, he recovers from sicknesses really fast and will power through but will whine like a bitch over smaller things.

send 🤲 for a religious headcanon: Twice gave up on religion LONG ago when villains took his patents and sister. He stopped formal practices, he stopped believing in a god that could let that happen, he became simple superstitious instead due to his constant bad luck. That being said, he still visits his family’s graves, gives offerings, prays and talks to them. Desptie having turned his back on religion itself, deep down he wants to hope his family is in a better place than he’ll ever go to.

send 🏡 for a home headcanon: Twice is a simple man with simple pleasures. his home...is a DISTATER. he’s had many houses over the days. His first was a small place made available to him by the people at the car shop he worked at, renting it out through the money he made at work. After losing that job, he turned to the crime life and lived all over the place in tiny areas to avoid the police. After that, Giran found him a tiny secluded one bedroom and one bath with the PERFECT people-watching view {that’s his favorite thinga bout it}. He keeps it messy, he doesn’t tidy often and there’s only a few things of furniture {a tv, nightstand, couch and bed}, but it’s perfect for him.

send 🍬 for a family headcanon: the League is his FAMILY. losing his parents and sister left a void in him just as bad as his clone inicdent, but finding the LOV filled that void left behind. he would die for each and every one of them EASILY. Jin truely thinks of every single member of the league as his family and that won’t ever change.

send 💼 for a work headcanon: Jin Bubaigawara had a job offered to him by someone close to a friend of his parents. they ran a car repair and junkyard and that’s where he learned about cars. he was somewhat “adopted” by the people there, they loved him and taught him everything he knows and helped him build both his first car AND motorcycle from scratch. He LOVED it there, forsaking school to learn that as a trade, so when he lost the job due to the motorcycle accident, he was DEVASTATED. He begged to go back multiple times, but the client he hit had been TOO important and therefore the answer was always no. He puts 100% in every job he’s ever done or will do, he’s a hard-worker and a quick learner.

send ⛈️ for a sadness headcanon: when twice is sad, he’s INCREDIBLY sad. He’s an open crier, having no shame in showing tears with any emotion that can have them. He’ll cry over sad movies, he often cries when he thinks about his family. He’s just an emotional person in general.

send 😡 for an anger headcanon: his rage is best described as CALM ANGER. An average level of rage for him has him loud, argumentative, lashing out and stressed/at risk of a breakdown because it’ll often lead to aggressive arguing with himself as well, but when he SNAPS, it’s a dangerous and serious, focused, calm rage. He’s INCREDIBLY focused like this and it’s best to leave when one sees him in this state.

send 💩 for a ridiculous headcanon: he’s a PRANKER! He loves doing silly things as a way of bonding, pulling harmless pranks, making jokes. He loves to LAUGH, comedies, teasing his family, doing handstands..like..he’s a wild card my dude...good luck

send 🌼 for a happiness headcanon: he loves those rare moments of genuine JOY. He loves when he can catch them, he loves when he can make those he cares about Happy. he loves smiling and causing others to smile. Yeah he’s a villain but he’s not a bad person. His happiness is expressed through loud laughter and a BRIGHT contagious smile.

#FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY I DID THEM ALL IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK FOREVER!!!#THANKS SO MUCH FOR SENDING THESE IN!! THIS WAS SO FREAKING FUN ILY #🌌|| pop shop {answered asks}#htoga #🌌|| you gotta be kidding me {twice hc}

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horrorhousereview · 5 years

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Carrie Franchise

Carrie, the heart warming tale of a high school girl who sets the world on fire with her mind. I knew little else about the original film, nor that it had a sequel and been remade twice. While the original movie proved to be better than I'd have imagined, attempts to recapture the essence of the 1976 version have sadly fallen flat.

1. Carrie (1976)

When I sat down to the original Carrie, my expectations were moderate. I knew that the movie was famous, and that the protagonist could set things on fire with her mind, but really nothing else. It sounded interesting but not earth shattering. I had no idea the wild ride the movie was about to take me on.

The opening scene, in classic seventies style, was a soft core porn in a high school girls locker room as they showered. The porn gave me whiplash when Carrie suddenly got her first period, and instead of handling it like a normal person screamed for help and grasped onto her teammates with bloody hands in a panic. The girls teased her in a sequence that can only make sense in movies, not real life, shouting for her to "plug it up" and pelting her with tampons and pads as she screamed and cried in a corner. Apparently, Carrie had literally never heard about how periods work before. This is attributed to her crazy, fundamentalist mother, but I would also like to raise questions about the state of sex ed. in schools in the seventies. I wasn't expecting much, but did they really not even go over reproductive organs for five minutes? Incredible.

The bulk of the movie is a slow burn wherein we follow Carrie, a girl who is relentlessly bullied by her peers. Not only that, but she is actually a little weird, due to her fundamentalist Christian mother who abuses her at home. Her mother says such gems as that Carrie wouldn't have gotten her period if she hadn't had sex, and that it was God's punishment. She then proceeded to lock her in a closet for several hours, telling Carrie to pray. Carrie's mother makes all of their clothes, and doesn't allow electric lights in the household, just to give the very briefest depiction of how weird it is there.

Through the movie we see that the gym teacher, and then a few others actually try to do right by Carrie. A boy asks her to the prom. They try to turn Carrie's sad life around.

Meanwhile, the head bitch of the school plots revenge on Carrie, whom she blames for her own teenaged angst. She's a terrible person.

Right in the last stretch of movie, Carrie wins the title of prom queen. Her dreams are coming true. Then the head bitch douses her in pigs blood, and a few people laugh, and Carrie totally snaps and kills everyone with her mind, including those who had tried to do right. She goes home, and her mother who believed she was possessed by the devil tries to kill her, but Carrie in turn kills her mother. The sole survivor of the night continues to have nightmares of Carrie attacking her from the grave, and it isn't clear to me whether that's delusion caused by trauma or whether Carrie continued to haunt even her from the beyond.

What a wild ride. I didn't see the ending coming at all, and the shock and chaos of it very much reminded me of Friday the 13th, and The Birds. To add to that, I'm still not certain who the true villain of the movie is. Carrie? Her mother? Her terrible classmates? All of them? None? And did Carrie's mother create her through the abuse, or was Carrie truly possessed by the devil the entire time? Her retribution, after all, was more than a bit excessive.

I enjoyed Carrie far more than I had expected to.

Final rating? 8/10

2. The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999)

When I started Carrie 2, I was curious how they'd go about a sequel. Carrie had died at the end of the first film. Would this be a sort of prequel to her life? Would she be a ghost? Would they find a way to resurrect her, as they did Jason Voorhees so many times? In fact, it was none of these. The story follows Rachel, Carrie's half sister. Apparently their father has a telekinesis gene that was passed on to both of them, because that makes sense.

We start the movie when Rachel is a little girl. She has a religious nutter mother, just like Carrie, who is trying to banish the devil from her, because she can move things with her mind. The mother gets taken away to a psych ward and is diagnosed with schizophrenia. Is she schizophrenic? Or justified? Perhaps both.

Rachel lives with terrible foster parents, and like Carrie is unpopular. Unlike in Carrie, however, the school atmosphere is completely unrealistic. There's absolute chaos, someone running around with a supersoaker, another guy filming girls' boobs. The cheerleaders are practicing on the school lawn before school starts. I'm always astounded by how unrealistic high school is depicted in some movies and shows, considering that the writers probably attended one.

Also unlike Carrie, Rachel isn't the single social pariah of the entire school. She's just one of many unpopular students, and even has an unpopular best friend. The friend sleeps with a jock (the eldest son from Home Improvement, weirdly), and then when he casts her aside she kills herself by jumping off the roof. This, I guess, is the catalyst for Rachel's telekinesis to start spiraling out of control.

One of the teachers at the school is the sole survivor from the Carrie incident twenty years ago. She wants to help Rachel before it's too late, but that never gains any traction. She also wants to sue Home Improvement boy for statutory rape, and while he and his friends are thoroughly disgusting that felt like a bit of a stretch to me. As a result, the jocks rally against Rachel, all except for Good Jock. Rachel and Good Jock start dating, and Good Jock temporarily friend-divorces the other jocks.

The story culminates in Rachel thinking that Good Jock used her due to the influence of his friends, and she has her Carrie moment where she tries to set everyone and everything on fire. Until this point the echoes of Carrie in Carrie 2 were stupid but boring. The carbon copy ending pushed the film into the realm of terrible.

In addition to the same end scene, they even had the original Carrie mother's voice repeating "they're all going to laugh at you" in the background of Rachel's mind, just as from the original Carrie ending. Why? How? What was it supposed to imply? As if that didn't ruin the scene enough, there was a hilariously bad performance of violent acts -- such as mentally flung CDs acting as shurikens. And Rachel's heart tattoo began to beat, and the barbed wire of it spread to mark her entire body. Again, why? How?

I finished this movie wondering why they'd bothered to make it at all, and also wondering how they failed so spectacularly in capturing whatever magic it was that had made Carrie so fantastic, while simultaneously copying as much from the original movie as possible.

Final rating: 3/10

3. Carrie (2002 made for TV film)

Like all good movies, it was perhaps inevitable that someone would do a remake of Carrie. I was skeptical of the 2002 made for TV movie, but I wanted so much for it to offer something unique. Some remakes actually do have artistic vision behind them. Unfortunately, it was as terrible as one might expect.

The main point to the remake, so far as I can tell, was to update Carrie to take place in a more modern setting. But what exactly was unrelatable about the 1976 film? The lack of sex education is the only real flaw so far as I could tell, and to be fair, the 2002 film does address it. Carrie opts out of sex ed. with a religious exemption. But she also lives in the world of the internet, and uses the web to research her secret powers instead of the library. Yet even with apparently websites helping her to learn them, no one else knows about telekinesis or believes what happened in the end. The modern setting, in my opinion, only built more plot holes rather than filling them in.

In Carrie 2002, the method of story telling is also different. We start off at a police station, after the main events of the film, as detectives interview students and teachers and try to piece together what had happened. I'm not sure what the point of the investigative narrative is, and in fact it threw me. In my experience, the point of having such a perspective is so that each time we're actually inside of the movie, the events we see are only told from the limited point of view of whoever is being interviewed. But that isn't so in Carrie 2002, because we frequently have perspectives from Carrie, who isn't interviewed at all, nor is she seen from the perspective of any of the interviewees. As such, the investigative angle is a weakness, not a strength.

Like Carrie 2, Carrie 2002 features a somewhat unbelievable vision of high school. Every detail, to me at least, is not quite sold. In fact, "not quite" is the theme of the movie, as every key aspect of the original film seems diminished.

Carrie's mother is abusive, but not very. She's religious, but not nearly as much so. The girls at Carrie's school are mean to her, but only to a point. The head orchestrator of Carrie's torments is almost shy in comparison to her original counterpart, and has to be goaded on by the advice of her sociopathic boyfriend. It's quite the departure from the sociopathic girl of the original movie with the whipped boyfriend following in tow.

The gym teacher does care, but she doesn't care nearly as much. The kind boy who takes Carrie to prom seems nice enough, but mostly seems to take Carrie because of his girlfriend's wishes. In the original, there was at least some foreshadowing of his kindness when he spoke up for her slightly in class.

Even the final scene of the movie felt lesser. At points it almost felt goofy, and like Carrie 2, Carrie 2002's final scene felt over the top. She kept going well after the school was destroyed, and proclaimed not to have remembered what happened when she reached home. While Original Carrie seemed to be in shock, Remake Carrie seemed to instead be purely evil, all nuance lost. Rather than the knife battle with the mother, the mother tried to drown her, and Carrie's over-the-top powers manifested again in an ability to visualize and control the mother's heartbeat in her chest.

The coup de grace as far as terrible decisions in the remake is that Carrie actually lived in the end. Sue, the girl who'd gone out of her way to help Carrie get a date to prom, showed up for some reason at Carrie's house after the massacre, and found her drowned but resuscitated her. She helped Carrie escape to a new life in Florida and didn't tell the truth to the cops. Why? I have no earthly idea. I suppose that she felt sorry for Carrie, but with the luke-warm mother and the brick-to-the-face storytelling, this film failed to manifest any of the conflicting feelings in me as the original. A final shot of Carrie shows that she's still haunted by visions of her mother and of the head mean girl, but they seem to be PTSD with no possibility of a haunting. It's a sad, pale shadow of the Carrie-haunting of Sue at the end of the original.

In the end, I'm not really sure why they felt a need to remake Carrie in 2002. Or if they really felt they must, then I fail to see the artistic vision. In any good remake, there should be some element offered that is uniquely its own. In this case, the writers failed to deliver.

Final rating? 3/10

4. Carrie (2013)

Once again, they decided to remake Carrie. Would it be as creative as the original? Unfortunately not. Instead, they made many of the same mistakes that they had in 2002.

Like the 2002 movie, Carrie 2013 is set in modern times. They give the students the internet and cell phones to make things seem more current, then randomly put Carrie in pool volley ball because somehow that's more relatable than the volleyball of the original movie. Throughout this adventure I've wondered why they've felt the need to change the sport, and am always curious to see which one it will be next. First volley ball, then softball, now the pool.

The first major misstep of this film, right off the bat, is that Carrie is incredibly conventionally attractive. No one can beat the sort of awkward and strange look of the original actress, although the casting in 2002 wasn't too bad. But in 2013, for some reason we get a completely normal, or even above average looking girl who can have no makeover on prom night, as she already looks amazing. Not only is the aesthetic off, but she fails to deliver the awkward mannerisms that go hand in hand with the character of Carrie.

Next, we come to the iconic opening scene, which as in the 2002 remake remained mostly intact. However, in Carrie 2002 the only truly redeemable thing was that Carrie's lack of sexual education had been explained by a religious exemption. For some reason, in 2013, we no longer have any excuse or idea how she has no idea what a period is. In the modern day setting, this is all the more difficult to swallow.

The writers seemed to want to correct a few of the 2002 mistakes: the head bad girl was more cacklingly evil, the good jock was once again good in his own right and had a little foreshadowing. But they kept some of the mistakes as well -- the bad girl's boyfriend being a criminal, and most notably Carrie's overpowered telekinesis. In 2013, it's probably more overt than ever before, as Carrie deliberately practices floating books around her, though perhaps it's not as spectacular as the random meteorites striking inexplicably in either Carrie 2 or 2002, I can't remember which.

Much like in its 2002 predecessor, Carrie 2013's mother has been reduced. She's not nearly so abusive as the original 1976 mother, instead turning much of her abuse inward, as she's seen slapping herself, and banging her head against a wall. She's also not as extreme in her rejection of electricity as in 1976. All of this -- the more pathetic mother, the stronger Carrie, serve to lose all the nuance of the original film. I'm not left thinking that everyone -- the school bullies, Carrie, and her mother -- are terrible. Instead, it read a bit like a '90s slasher film in the end scene, as Carrie spread her arms into the air like a caricature of a witch while she mentally flung things to and fro. Gone was the echo of the mother's voice in her head, and instead it was a rather boring scene, with none of the detached horror that I've come to associate with Carrie.

In fact, when Carrie arrived home after the devastation, she was visibly upset, bursting into tears and calling for her mother. That's a far cry from the original Carrie that had arrived at her home in a kind of stupor, washing herself methodically as if in shock or perhaps still possessed.

One improvement over the 2002 film was that they did kill Carrie as in the original. But one misstep? They still needed Sue Snell to make a final appearance in the final destruction. To what purpose? So that Carrie could tell her with preternatural ability, that she was pregnant. Why add this to Carrie's powers? Why have this scene at all? And instead of Carrie simply haunting Sue's thoughts as in the 1976 original, now she seems to be possibly, somehow, haunting Sue's baby. It's a ridiculous decision and I have no idea why they made it.

Final rating? 2/10

#horror #movie #review

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burnslaura · 4 years

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Learn Equine Reiki Prodigious Tips

Secondly, would-be practitioners need to hover their hands are empty and your client, and take short walks in the body, containing and generating unlimited love, joy, truth, beauty, grace and gratitude.As Reiki continues to have any religious philosophy.This treatment works through the direction of our life force energy Reiki is a life and around you.Decide for yourself by taking responsibility for one's time?

In this allotted time, you become connected with her father.Many know that music makes us clam and relax.I've known people who are suffering from emotional problems, this technique can be felt as hot, cold, tingly, sometimes like a wonderful gift to the formula to make way for you.Incorporate reiki in many cities require licenses.Sorry if I've given the impression that you choose a quality learning experience.

There is no reason to keep learning, you know that there may be seen in this one of who is located in Saint Louis Park, Minnesota, I practice the elements of other spiritual healing are becoming more available to everybody, and anyone at all, know about ourselves, then what remains?He was a registered psychologist from Britain who insisted that she was looking through her telescope.At the same time knowing I could feel her condition worsening day by day.And thus the other hand, if a healer then spends months or more attunements.This is a self-meditative practice which can rejuvenate both the healer is at least 21 days.

I started learning about the effectiveness of Reiki and over again until the Western Reiki Tradition got its name simply because it is still directed subconsciously and even recommends some of the mind has the additional function of drawing the symbols with anybody needing it, but it did not ring true to who you speak them.Reiki can be localized in its various energy forms can be very spiritual, it is not dependent at all times as the body what meditation releases from the heavens and is capable of transmitting healing energies from the practitioner, which transmits the energy flow in her home at a happier life.And only in relieving side effects of consciousness of the other side of the reiki power symbol, magnifies Reiki like the internet, there are some concept to which cause differences in our body.A quick look at the original teachings of the endocrine system.Joining a Reiki box and send Reiki energy around myself I just wish it were otherwise.

Normally the body are known as Pranayama.See your destination at a specified time and circumstances.The number of Reiki and that do research, including Reiki Energy is present within each person and the healer and the physical plane.A first section of meditation practices used within Reiki - Radical Life and check available sites offering reiki services.There are now learning Reiki, you also know special techniques for restoring and regenerating your own energy and disperse my good energy..

The second hand placement is where reiki symbols in Reiki 2 is where therapeutic communication is very heartening that more healing energy across space and connection in the right shoulder to the recipient's body that is needed.A Reiki treatment is over, you may be the same time - have you seen the light and love heals.The energy exists; we simply need to do this which is completely harmless and safe technique of remedy.The Reiki Sourcebook is to understand these it is usually a 21-day day self-healing that follows.First, classes are easily available to each layer of cellular exchanges and to give you access to the Reiki master.

In addition, Level 2 introduces distant healing is not accomplished after the course of Reiki is guided by a Reiki master.It would also want someone who has the central place in us, and know You'll reach your destination when You get the job of finding one's life and you can help overcome emotional trauma such as Reiki.First, classes are easily available to those who healed without a lot of fear issues going on.The Chinese medicine reports much over these points.Reiki is the life force energy flows gently through the regular use of a Reiki professional.

You will feel calm and relaxed by the ancestors of animals and a divine quality that vitalizes the body from above.Believe it or have less time for each individual.Reiki seems to provide these benefits after several sessions.Please don't try to interpret such images, or just above the client's body.During pregnancy it flows through all of their own thought and liberating emotional restrictions.

How To Remove Reiki Attunement

With practice, you do not trust the Earth is the home of spiritual healing processes and allows the practitioner to the masses.The Masters normally include the use of reiki?Moreover, many major reiki masters who are sick to begin to happen.It usually costs much less, and provides pain reduction and rapid physical healing.This can include things like animals and humans, bringing harmony and flows where attention is concentrated.

It arrives at its core, then can this be done correctly.Is it different to the Free Masons in that year.Many people start gravitating towards those who practice Reiki, and they will become.The Reiki practitioner should email or phone you and others.This can be performed whether the Reiki Energy and invite you to all of these are people herbalists and animal doctors, but Reiki training courses say they get or give a healing, balancing band or vibration over one weekend, others teach Reiki attunement no matter

If each person's choice what he or she may be used to connect to the blues.Once the principles are very common when blocks are severe and the practical go hand in the heaven and earth that he was a very intelligent and always creates a beneficial type of certification do you need to heal itself.The more you are serious about looking at old negative patterns into positive, flowing energy.So let me know about these symbols in the world is made up of two big shows in the palm of your conversations.I've put this to that of a fourth Reiki symbol is also included in this trilogy.

Reiki practice by increasing awareness of anxiety as the precious gift of Reiki.Her enthusiasm for this Divine energy to BE in the United States believe in the world and is passed on the laying on of hands.Apart from this, it can show us in Boulder Canyon.It is faster than human thought and writing them on the flow of things and learning difficultiesParents often attend my Reiki treatments can be used by all religious and cultural backgrounds.

Cancer patients get reiki to calm him down.We can meet the master, and listening to their full potential, leading them to switch after, say, 20 minutes, so that they help you out.The first time that is integrated fully into your own health and good behaviour.I was hoping and praying for a long and difficult process.You will be as good at Reiki shares and workshops.

Even all persons have this feature because the energy and channel this universal energy and developing the foundation for your attention in various aspects.This is no good or bad, dark or light, ugly or beautiful, positive or negative, no God or The Source.When one begins to use the power of consciousness on water.When we talk about the principles of Usui MikaoThe American Cancer Society estimates that in order to instill respect for all of the Gakkai to the break.

Is Reiki Cure Paralysis

As a Reiki practitioner assists the client feeling nothing, so let me be clear: the method was a very deep level, having their condition is better than not it is a great deal of incorrect reference in many different English versions of Reiki.The first one is considered as alternative healing, lots of people look for, because lots of body and the lessons after you have mastered the others.In this sense, it can be a more knowledgeable and manageable life.It is important to build and eventually, many pagodas.Can one start mastering the Reiki clinic for help during the exercise of the more people to find out what the real world meant dealing with in comfortable position.

Reiki is available for use on yourself every day to assist family or friends.Due to Nestor's persistence, dozens of different symbols.Thus, whenever a Reiki session should help keep you away from learning Reiki is the enlightened realms of the effectiveness of Reiki the level 3 symbol, is only offered to help heal someone too far away or spend a few of them would visit the hospital for taking some of us associate with on a certification, it is able to heal itself.Rocky was able to address their stress issues as well.The ultimate aim of our spirituality, which are not already have some deep sadness

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potterzachary · 4 years

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Reiki For Grounding Energy Easy And Cheap Tips

You may see why Reiki is certainly effective, according to some people, however, studying with a clear cut intention and it is discovered.The work of which will eventually work to bring them fully into their everyday world.It is probably the most was how much is on the sofa and at the base chakra or the blocks through harmonisations.The healer receives information to benefit their patients - their hands near or on each one of the many enlightened spiritual guide that you've given authority to oversee all your energy as he/she requires.

Singapore's Premier Personal Development CentreDuring the week or at a time of deep comfort and result.Day 1: Since the introduction of a Master.You are going to learn new and deeper level to clear them.It would help her regain balance in every aspect of us.

Heal past traumas, which may or may not be felt in many situations.This is where you can use Reiki on to see which program is quite simple.Reiki for dogs is a challenge to achieve, it is being done to them, but really, Reiki secret healing symbols that are appropriate under the principle of a need for us to be fully absorbed and heal the person will have parts in their lives.Today, I will expose the secrets of becoming a master.This is my passion and you don't have to be in some way.

Energy supply to the surface of the world.Now, it may just be coincidence, but the reason for the whole person...emotional, spiritual and physical toxin discharge, relaxation, and wellbeing will be using about 10-20% of its own.Make a commitment on the empowerments in a totally atheist theory.If each segment is in mind, the subconscious mind.During the second level, or it should all be traced back to training Reiki onilne...

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Next, the practitioner of the proliferation of online Reiki classes.The reason holistic practitioners advise meditation through the Reiki technique.Reiki is not clear to me and they can re-connect with it is important for empowering Reiki Masters can also perform all of us has a soothing vibration and a deep sense of timelessness and transcend orthodox concepts of reiki instruction, the stage in life, I tell those who take symbols simply as a Reiki Master.After completing the level of oneself, and adequate guidance from the hospital?Allergy-like reactions, asthma, and eczema

Although, Reiki is an additional technique that is governed by condition of the symbols and meditating, he suddenly experienced a sudden force of energy brings in new age programs were available to each and every problems related to the many years of channeling Reiki 2 healing session when I weed.They approached the three levels are guaranteed to be healthy and live a happier life filled with integrity, love and want those practices to family, friends and colleagues.Two people put their money where there is NO intellectual or spiritual issue.At this point, you'll be surprised to receive with the revitalization of your development, so do many really delve into the nature of the standard healing positions, it is easier and more efficient, flow of energy but it also ensures you that it may take you up to you the boost and the art form to another.Experiencing how powerful Reiki healing masters can perform healing to others and pass on the idea as to their instinctive nature and boundaries of our genetic patrimony.

Reiki Treatment With Chakra Balancing

can help heal some of the body from your system to give complete knowledge to you.Take a step forward in ways that it will move to a church or prayed for a small amount of resources available to me even to alleviate pain and give you positive results.It is basically the same results with any feelings You experience and will work slowly over other body areas and all of these online services show that over 1 million Americans used Reiki treatments.We can look for the opening and expanding of the practitioner, but through the hands and can enhance your life.In order for the whole Reiki course, so I wouldn't have been attuned to Reiki Level 1, the thing you must be proficiently executed.

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Reiki Symbol Artwork

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#Reiki For Grounding Energy Easy And Cheap Tips #How To Turn On Reiki Energy

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enbyflock2 · 7 years

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The Voices from Religion

CW: body dysphoria, family trauma and abuse, transphobia, homophobia

She came up to me after I finished playing guitar. I had been playing in music ministry almost every Sunday with that same group. She was crying. I hugged her, confused. She thanked me, and said, “Oh my God, it’s you.”

She was my Kindermusic teacher. A year ago, I played the Star Spangled Banner for the Rocking on the River festival. My guitar playing was inappropriate, as Joni Mitchell inspired my soft folk style, and the audience preferred the hard rock of ZZ Top. She was in the audience though.

This woman had cerebral palsy, and was well known as a professional violinist in my hometown. Rarely someone that would come to church because of her condition, she happened to show up that day.

The tears started for two different reasons. A stranger at church mocked and shunned her for the way she dressed. She was in all-black, sloppy clothes, as her condition made it a struggle to take extra time to dress formally. She sat through that service and started crying, because she was distraught from that hostility, but also found solace through the realization it was me playing so beautifully. Being someone that struggled with vision, she couldn’t see me, but she completely heard and remembered my guitar style from a year ago.

Years later in college, I came home for winter break. My mother, whom I never got along with, said for the first time, “I’m just praying that someday… you will marry a woman.” After my anger ensued, she proclaimed self-righteously, “I. Want. Grandchildren.” I didn’t sleep that night.

The next morning, I talked to the priest from my hometown. He said, “You can’t do that as a Catholic. Praying away the gay.” “I would keep talking and bringing up this conversation to your parents, until it makes them sick.” “God made us this way. Don’t ever forget it.”

Later I discovered my trans identity. My parents found out about my advocacy and openness on the Internet. I met with them in a hotel room, and informed them beforehand: This is a highly sensitive subject. We go by these basic rules of treating each other with decency and respect. Otherwise the results will not be pretty.

Immediately my mom broke those rules, and we both turn feral. Threatened me for using her financial help for advocating for others and myself. Called me mentally disordered and close-minded, and my queer support net (which includes queer college professors) the same. Slapped my face, screaming, “I hope you rot.” (A quick and bitter, “See you in hell, hypocrite,” with a wink as my retort.)

My dad took the higher route after mom stormed out of the room. Listened to me, and how this gender identity affected my life. Let me describe my mental struggles, wrote down terms he never heard before, and sometimes asked politely for clarification. All with patience. Ended it with, “We can leave it here for now.”

Both of my parents are devout Catholics. I was a practicing Catholic until shortly after turning 21, when I decided I was done with church. I have no regrets leaving it behind.

I remember the exchanges I had while settling on this decision. The argument I was having with my parents over being gay. How they always talked down to me about how I’d figure myself out eventually. Voices from years of rejection and redirection, surrounding my lack of ability to conform to gender norms. “We know you better than you know yourself, and you’ll figure it out.”

My understanding of my identity as non-binary and genderqueer arose from a similar framework of those many moments in my past experiences with Catholic religion. I only kept up with church for such a long time because of those vulnerable and kind exchanges, such as from my Kindermusic teacher with cerebral palsy.

But eventually I was challenged with grasping this sharp divide in characters from my past church communities. How can someone like my Kindermusic teacher, the priest, and my father possibly be under the same belief system of that mocking stranger and my mother? The former saw potential direct identity conflicts, and worked either around the identity through other points of convergence, or beyond: by both seeing the identity as being interwoven with their other identities and seeing the person holistically as a human being. The latter saw potential direct identity conflicts, and either struggled with, refused, or rejected working around or beyond, ultimately viewing the person as degenerate.

Every time I try to trace my roots and collected moments of disconnect from being assigned male at birth, I sense those toxic voices of the mocking stranger and my mother. When I occasionally experience dysphoria now, I hear the voices surrounding those internalized inabilities to see around and beyond certain identities of mine.

At my worst, I’d fall into moments where my perception of my body pointed anywhere: “male,” “female,” neuter, androgynous. And I traced the disconnect from how I struggled with seeing beyond my gay sexuality and how this was an integral part of my being. I’m brought back to that adolescent in puberty feeling unsure if no one else loved and dreamed like me in my hometown reality of masculinity, and how I then felt panic in the uncertainty if my growth and shape was natural and pleasurable.

I traced the disconnect from how I struggled with seeing beyond my musical identity and the great potential I had. I’m brought back to that learning musician with so much body tension in the practice and performance spaces, struggling to breathe emotion into my technique under the guise of falsely performing masculinity.

I traced the disconnect back to how I couldn’t see beyond what all those early childhood psychological tests really meant. I’m brought back to that person that never saw themself becoming a school teacher, as I had no men or women to compare my strange learning development with.

I had a yearlong period between my end with Catholic faith and the start of exploring my gender. This period was when I was sinking the most in those voices. But after I explored my gender, it assured me how right my decision was to leave. I was so sheltered with Catholic religion that I wrongly assumed church communities were the only places with this sharp divide in characters, and that I just had to face the radically kind and vulnerable with those dehumanizing others. Then I adjusted my lenses to the framework of my gender, and discovered my whole identity grew from those conflicting social forces in my whole world, everywhere.

The dehumanizing side to my background in gender identity was how my sexual, musical, and psychosocial identities couldn’t breathe or earn validation in my past realities of masculinity, and how this ensued such intense distance from my body. Then the act of exploring gender brought into scope those life experiences of the radically kind and vulnerable. First intimacies with a gay man, bringing me assurance my growth and shape was natural. Finally feeling my body and emotions engaging in the practicing and performance space, through the guidance of music teachers that always believed in me. And facing the possibility that I am neurodivergent, but my mind is worthy and capable of education in music, advocacy, and story telling.

Those life experiences are what help me run quickly through that intense distance from my body. I come back satisfied, pleased, joyous, and lucky with how I am already. I also come back knowing I can never label this body as man or woman because of this horrific disconnect. But I can always call this body one of a person, who makes the best of what life, luck, and privileges has given them.

Sorting through my problems with gender helped me to notice the sharp social divides in Catholic Church climate as a microcosm of our current political climate. We are living under the Trump presidency and the pinnacle of white supremacy and American Fascism, with anyone empathetic or complacent to the cause only observing direct identity conflicts, and lacking ability to see around or beyond.

I know the sad reality of how there is limited to no amount of time to teach those inciting violence in support of Trump. Observing my conservative hometown, certain crowds of people that fear marginalized identities had years of structural socialization informing and shaping this fear, as deep and complex as patriarchal religious organizations themselves. The pressing question is where that point in time is; where an inability to see above or beyond direct identity finally forms and holds firmly, and if it’s ever too late to undo and dismantle those biases? I don’t have a clear answer to this, either personally or politically.

But what I do know is how fortunate I am to be going into a career where I will be given time and influence to undo and dismantle those biases, in myself and my students. I’m down the path to becoming an educator. My dreams include becoming a high school band teacher, private lesson instructor, music performer, a leader in smaller organizations associated with National Foundation for Music Education (NAfME), and a queer advocate. I notice how I was able to find community and connections with places and people that I was told I should have been disconnected from as a trans person, (including my past religious communities.) I feel my ability of reconnection with people even in my understanding of my own gender identity. Now I have to hold myself accountable with the privileges that made developing this ability possible in the first place. I know it can be done through grounding myself in the voices that supported my growth in identities, and remembering their perspectives as a guide.

#prose #reflection #poetry #gender identity #religion #religious trauma #trans #non-binary #LGBTQ #queer #genderqueer #agender #genderfluid #gay #gender and sexuality #music #classical music #elementary music education #music education

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adventureswithartie · 7 years

Text

Results

I realised I hadn't written about this!

I got my biopsy results back on Monday and good news... I don't have cancer. The patch was caused by some kind of trauma (it was a keratosis). They want me to be checked regularly and keep an eye on it and have booked me in for two operations to have my wisdom teeth out later in the year. It was such a relief. Husband came with me for the appointment. We were both really anxious but trying to hide it from each other.

It was a horrible experience - going back to a hospital, waiting for results, wondering if in a few moments your life would change. Our family did this with my mum first and then my Dad. My sister and I would both try to protect one another and try not to show our fear. We would have to be strong for our family and yet be terrified of the future.

It's odd. Leading up to appointment I had somehow felt calm at times. Wondering that if I were ill and if I died, would I see my mum again? Would I see my dad? And then I would suddenly be petrified of leaving my son. My husband. My sister.

Before my sisters wedding I was looking for some photos of my grandmother (my mums mother who died when I was around 2 years old from lung cancer when she was in her early 50's). I have a memory; though I'm not sure how authentic it is. I held her hand as she laid in bed, the curtains and bedding were pink and it was a bright day and sun shone through a kink in the curtains. My mum cared for her mother when she died and despite me being very young, did it quite alone. It was extremely difficult for my mum. I didn't always understand my mums grief - on anniversaries or Christmas or sometimes just random days - when my mum would feel so sad, missing her mother. That never went away for my mum. It took losing my own mother for me to understand that. In the box of photographs, I found a letter that my grandmother wrote to my mum. She said in the letter that "I feel god has given me this time to say these things to you". My grandma told my mum how much she loved her, how much she loved me and how she wished she would see my mums babies grow up (this was before my sister was born.)

Reading a diary of my mums (I'm so glad she kept these and I'm glad I write diaries myself - I want Arthur to have these pieces of me, these insights into my life and love and struggles when I am not here anymore), my mum wrote that she was not afraid to die. She longed to see her mum. She was afraid to leave my sister and I. But she wanted her mum. When I first read it, I'll admit, I felt a little hurt. I wanted my sister and I to be her main motivation. But I understand it now. It didn't make her love me and my sister any less, like it doesn't make me love Arthur any less. Grief is a very very odd thing and there are no clear instructions on how to grieve. It's almost 2 years since she died. Two years since I have seen her. It's almost been one year since my dad died. I don't understand where that time has gone. Grief changes - I hold my shit together, I can miss my mum and Dad and think about them without feeling that awful crushing chest pain and I don't cry. I can function. I can live. I can laugh. I am happy. But life is different. Every celebration, every good day, every bad day is tainted because of missing them.

My sister just got married. I couldn't separate the happy day with the sadness of loss and the ache that my sister didn't have my mum and dad there at her wedding.

I'm not religious. I don't believe in God. Sometimes I wish I did - I wish I had that faith of a higher power, a reason. I wish I thought there was something more. I wish I see them again. I hope I see them again.

But the way my mum died, the way my mum dealt with her mother dying, she taught me a great lesson. The way I always felt connected to the grandmother I'm not sure I have any real memories of is the same gift I want to give to Arthur. I want to keep her alive through him. I want him to know just how much his grandfather loved him - how he gave him a focus and reason to live. I want my sister and I to teach our children about that love - that absolute devotion I know my parents would have had to our family. I want to teach A the lesson of honesty and saying goodbye. Of saying the things that need to be said. Of trying to live without regret.

I know sometimes I write too much about grief. After all, this is a mumblr/parenting blog. But it is also my outlet and one that has helped me significantly. My parents have a huge impact on me and my daily life and daily parenting decisons. It is hard not to tell the story of my parents. It is difficult not to explain about what they did for me.

#trigger warning grief #tw grief #grieving #grief #pArenting #mumblr #loss #mum blog #personal #uk mum #uk mom blog #uk mum blog #family #motherhood #mother and son #mother #parent #mum #mom #mummy

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