#something something lonely being an adult and grocery shopping

[kyrite]

.

#personal #i don’t know what’s going on with me but I feel so empty lately #like no passions or interests or desires #I was told at work that they’re trying to make my position permanent which is like objectively good news #but my only thoughts were fuck #I have to keep working?? there’s no end in sight?? #idek what I’d want to do instead so I guess I’ll just keep working there until they fire me or something #I attended some theatre shows alone but I really wish I had friends to go with #something something lonely being an adult and grocery shopping #I just want to feel better

[our-aroace-experience]

My mom is approaching 70 and is in what I can only describe as a Queer Platonic Relationship. My whole life my mom has been ambivalent about romance, and I suspect that if she were young today she’d describe herself as aro. She and my dad were happily married before he passed away, but even so, I don’t really have memories of them being over romantic. Their friends and and family didn’t believe them at first when they announced their marriage (when she was 36!) bc they “didn’t act like a couple”. They worked well as partners and both wanted kids, but there was always something different about their relationship compared to the relationships of my friends’ parents. Since my dad’s death she has shown zero interest in getting remarried and has been happily single for more than a decade.

My mom has an incredibly full life. She’s got lots of friends of all ages, fulfilling hobbies, and a shitty little dog that she loves to pieces. I never worry about her being bored and lonely.

She has this neighbor in her apartment building. They help each other out the way couples do with tasks like grocery shopping, attending family events together, and they co parent the shitty little dog, but she swears up and down that there’s nothing romantic between them. They help each other with medication, hospital visits, and navigating the scary changes of getting old together. She and my grandpa used to argue about her getting remarried to this neighbor bc he didn’t want her to be “lonely”. My mom insisted that she’s not lonely and the relationship was not romantic. There’s love and companionship, but it’s “not like that”.

Back when I started to show interest in dating as a teen my mom was so confused. “You actually want to go on dates? My mom used to force me to date and I hated it.” When I came out as gay as an adult she was like “That’s cool. I still don’t get why you wanna date people.”

My dad once told me a story about how early in their marriage, my mom once accidentally “dated” a different man without realizing that he was taking her out on dates. From her perspective she just was having fun outings with a friend. When the guy “came clean” and told my dad “I’m dating your wife” he just laughed because my mom had been excitedly telling him all about their “dates”. She missed every single clue that this guy had been laying down for her that he was interested. “He invited me to have breakfast on his boat! I’m so excited for the birdwatching that time of day!” (My mom also might be a little autistic but that’s neither here nor there). She just is not a romantically inclined thinker.

I love my mom very much and I’m so lucky to have her as a role model. She’s taught me that happiness is extremely versatile. You don’t have to follow a traditional set route for a complete life with meaningful relationships. Romance is a social construct as much as anything, and you are free to engage with it on your own terms. Don’t be afraid to live and love the way you want to. Your life will be fuller and happier for it.

I’m so happy you’ve had a positive experience, and your mum sounds lovely!

#our aroace experience #aroace asks #aromantic #asexual #aro #ace #aroace #aro pride #ace pride #aroace joy!

[delulu4dean]

“Five Gum…”

Warnings: idk, cringe outdated pop culture references. Gender neutral terms(just wanting you so you don’t get like confused <3 )

Pairings: Cas X autistic!reader(platonic), Dean x child!reader

Summary: Castiel is hanging out with Dean’s autistic child, and they have a lot in common.

Word Count: 1,278

Your dad, Dean Winchester, is out on a hunting trip with your Uncle Sammy. He left you alone with Castiel. You don’t know what Castiel is to your dad, they say they’re best friends, but the way they look at each other says more.

You didn’t mind being at the bunker with Cas though. Out of everyone, you got along with him the most. You had some sort of mutual understanding that Sam and Dean don’t get. You assumed it’s because Castiel didn’t know much about human interaction, social cues, pop culture references, and you were well, autistic. Your dad has made the joke that you and Castiel tilt your head the same way when you’re confused, and both don’t understand his sarcasm, and how even though your Dean’s kid, you’re a mini-Cas.

“So what are we doing today?” Castiel asks you.

“I know my dad is protective, but you really don’t need to babysit me, I’m 18. I am an adult,” you explain to Castiel.

“That’s not why he leaves me with you, he just doesn’t want you to get lonely.”

You nod, understanding. Today you’re probably going to do what you and Cas always do, exist next to each other while doing your own things. He’ll be reading something, you’ll be drawing something, and occasionally you two will look at each other, and ask how it’s going. It’s always worked that way.

And that is what you do today. You both go to the library together, Castiel picks out a book, you pull out your sketchbook, and you start doing what you learned is called “parallel play.” At least that’s what it’s called in kids, but you figured the term can be applied here too. You start sketching away as Castiel looks at you, narrowing his eyes.

“You wear that jacket all the time, why?” he asks.

“It brings me comfort. You wear that trench coat all the time, even indoors when you don’t need to. Why is that?” you throw the question right back at him.

“I suppose it also brings me some sense of comfort,” he concludes.

You nod, satisfied with his answer, and go back to sketching, as he goes back to his book. The only sounds filling the room are Castiel’s occasional page flipping, and your constant scribbling. This goes on for half an hour, only to be interrupted by your stomach erupting in hunger. Castiel does not say a word, as he gets up and goes to the bunker’s kitchen, and comes back with a prepackaged peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

“Oh thanks. When did we get these?” you raise an eyebrow.

“I got them the last time I went grocery shopping with your dad. He said you were having trouble eating because the foods we’ve been getting weren’t the right texture, and I remember when I was human I loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, you can never go wrong with them. But I know you sometimes just want ready made food, and when I saw these in the freezer section, I told Dean to get them.”

A smile comes across your face as you open the packaging and take a bite. These prepackaged peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were one of your safe foods, your other one being boxed mac and cheese. You bounce happily as you eat, something you do whenever you’re eating food you really like. And if it’s super good, you’ll kick your feet a little too.

You lick your fingers after you finish your sandwich, and sign “thank you” in ASL, something you do when you don’t feel like talking much. It’s a thing you do with everyone, you’ve taught them basic signs like “yes” or “no” or “please” or “thank you” or “food” or “water” to communicate when you don’t feel like talking.

“No problem,” Cas responds, smiling at you.

You nod and get back to your little activity while Castiel gets back to his. The silence is nice, you get to focus on you sketch, which is a picture of Castiel sitting down in his chair, reading. You occasionally glance up at him, getting the details you need, but you’re not going for realism. You have your own cartoonish art style and you’re drawing Castiel in it. Once you finish, you show him, and a big smile appears on his face as he puts down his book.

“You drew that? That’s me,” he says, and you nod. “I love it.”

You smile and start putting your art supplies away, as he goes back to reading. You clean up your space and put everything back in your room, before returning to Cas. You look over his shoulder at the book he’s reading, trying to not disturb him. He flips through the pages as he reads. But the page flipping and the silence get too much.

“Dicks out for Harambe,” you blurt out, not thinking.

Castiel once again sets his book down, this time not intending to pick it back up, as he looks up at you concerned. You didn’t think before speaking, but being on the internet you hear this phrase a lot. So you said it, and now Castiel is concerned.

“Who is Harambe and why are we exposing ourselves for him,” Castiel asks.

You think for a moment, wanting to answer him, but there’s no way to answer him without sounding stupid and insane. You take a deep breath, giggling a little at the thought of explaining “dicks out for Harambe” to Castiel.

“It’s an internet thing. This gorilla, Harambe, was killed, so we uh, expose ourselves, as you put it, to pay respects to him,” you attempt at an answer but Castiel furrows his eyebrows, getting even more confused.

“How is that paying respect?”

“Well it isn’t… it’s a joke…”

“I thought jokes were supposed to be funny,” he bluntly says.

“It is… to younger people I guess,” you shrug.

“And you said it because…?”

“I said it to fill the silence.”

Cas takes a moment to think, nodding, taking in what you just explained. He then takes his phone out and types away and you look at him, waiting for him to say or do something. He pats the seat next to him and you sit and look at his phone. It’s one of those fruit sensory videos on TikTok that you got Castiel into. Not the baby videos(well they are the baby videos) but the ones to popular music. You and Castiel watched as blueberries and strawberries bounce around the screen to Lincoln Park’s “Numb.”

“Why are we watching this?” you finally ask.

“You seemed like you needed something stimulating to watch or listen to,” Cas answers you.

“That reminds me,” you say, running to your room to grab something quick.

✰✰✰✰✰

Sam and Dean walk into the bunker, and as soon as they see everything, they just look around, confused. The ground is covered in bubble wrap, and the map table is full of Pop-it fidgets. You look up at your uncle and dad, as you and Cas run around barefoot on the bubble wrap, playing with the fidgets.

“What are you doing?” Dean asks.

You look up at him, with an innocent smile on your face.

“Five gum!” you yell at him, throwing a pop-it fidget at him, and he catches it. “Stimulate your senses!”

“I think they are making a joke, because this is a way to stimulate our feeling sense, which is something people on the spectrum often do,” Castiel explains to Dean.

“Yeah, I know what they meant, Cas,” Dean chuckles. “You two have fun while we were gone?”

You and Cas both nod.

✰✰✰✰✰

A/N sorry if this is silly, I’m autistic and Kin cas so I thought it would be fun to do Cas and Dean’s autistic kid. But autism is a spectrum! While this may be how autism is for me, it doesn’t represent everyone with autism :)

#castiel #castiel supernatural #castiel x y/n #castiel x reader #dean x child!reader #dad!dean #supernatural #dean x reader #dean winchester #dean winchester x you

[yes-divine-ruler]

Boy Next Door

part 12: Alex’s POV

pairing: alex (from adult world) x fem!reader

CW: fluff

Taglist/ @v-love @evanpetersfav @demxnicprxncess @kitwalkersgfff @quicksilversg1rl @dahmevan @iruzias @alexxavicry @soaringcloud @laynna-mcknight t @humdrumexistence @simp4petermaximoff @sultrysullen @evan4ever r @zoebens0ncult @therewasnothinginthekoolaid @therealsagasenior

wc: 1.6k

previous part ↤ ↦ next part

all parts

this chapter is entirely in Alex's POV for something a lil diff, enjoy!

"Don't you think you guys should go out on a date?"

I stood across from Amy, my arms crossed over my chest as I leaned a hip against the front counter. I had been keeping my work colleague, Amy, up-to-date on my current situation-ship with Y/N. She was so excited for me to come into work every day and give her the spiel, that she bombarded me with questions every-time I'd walk through the door.

"Yeah, I think we should," I took into deep consideration her suggestion, realising that apart from walking Weston, hanging out at our apartments and grocery shopping, we hadn't been anywhere formally. I had to admit, I wasn't a formal person, I never really took anything too seriously.

"Go to the new restaurant down the road from here, it looks fun, or maybe a movie? I dont know what does she like?" Amy asked, stacking porn magazines into our sliding glass door shelving.

"I don't-" it dawned on me that I wasn't really too sure what she liked, apart from cooking, and hanging out at home. She seemed like she came from money, and if I'm being honest, totally innocent and naive. I wasn't even sure what kind of movie she'd like and we'd spent so much time together over the last few weeks.

"I don't really know," I confessed, rubbing a hand over my face and greeting a customer as they walked in. I flashed them a big smile but, inside I was nervous and kind of concerned with this new revelation.

I really liked Y/N, we seemed almost polar opposites, but we got on like a house on fire. She taught me how to be responsible, more mature and adult like, and I showed her how to... orgasm and smoke weed?

"A safe bet would be dinner, but I'm sure she'll like anything you plan. She seems to really like you," Amy was good at putting my anxieties at ease, and I really appreciated her reassurance.

"Thanks Ams," I shot her a genuine smile, ruffling her hair as I passed her to serve our lone customer.

—-

"What do you want?" Y/N was good at humbling me when I came to her door shirtless with my hair wet at random times in the evening. She always looked good, her hair over her shoulder, her lips curled into a mischievous grin. She wasn't as hard to crack as I originally thought though, but she was still keeping me on my toes even after all this time.

"I have a proposition, my little squirter," I felt like I was always risking upsetting her with my playfulness, but maybe she was getting used to it, because she only rolled her eyes in response.

"What might that be?" Her cheeks were now a hue of red, and I know that I did a good job at flustering her. She was so easy to work up.

"Dinner, maybe movie after?" After much deliberation I decided that maybe I'd go out on a whim and go with both options so that if one disappointed, there was always the other to fall back on.

But like Amy had said, Y/N's eyes sparkled with intrigue and her lips formed into a little smile. Her smile only made me smile more; it was so contagious. I raised my eyebrows waiting for a response, tapping my wrist with my forefinger to let her know she was taking her time.

"Okay-" she tucked a sole strand of her hair behind her ear, tucking her bottom lip between her teeth, "what time?"

"7? Movie is at 8.30," I knew she liked when I was forward and took charge. I was always like that anyway, I didn't like fucking around to try and come to a plan.

"Okay, see you then," she closed the door as I saluted her, and walked back to my apartment to change my clothes and maybe have a bowl or two. I hadn't been on a proper date in years, and I didn't want to fuck this up. The pot should be able to calm the nerves that were rampant in my stomach like a swarm of giant butterflies.

—-

"What movie have you been wanting to see?" I hadn't revealed to Y/N what movie we were watching because frankly, I hadn't chosen one. Call me a genius, but I thought I'd just buy the tickets there so that the movie definitely couldn't disappoint.

The restaurant I'd taken her to was the one Amy had suggested, fairly new and actually quite hipster. I should've known she'd suggest something so alternative, when she told me I'd have to really look out for it because it was off the beaten track. I was worried enough when they didn't answer the phone to book a reservation, let alone have to scour the Main Street for its location.

"Nothing really calls out to me, maybe the new rom-com," she smirked at me as if she knew I'd hate having to sit through a romantic comedy, but she was dearly wrong.

"I've been looking at that too, sounds cool," I smirked back when she pouted in defeat. She was just too cute.

"How's the food?" I looked down at the supposed lasagna on my plate, that had been unnecessarily deconstructed to look different. To say it didn't look too appetising was an understatement. I couldn't wait to devour a large popcorn and a pack of Reese's in the theatre.

"Pretty good," she was simple in her response, but I'd noticed she hadn't eaten as much as I did. I knew she didn't want to be rude, I was paying an abnormally big price for two unpalatable meals, and she already felt bad pushing it around mindlessly on her plate with her fork.

"You don't have to lie to me you know? You can say it's shit," I let out a laugh, not caring even an ounce that she didn't enjoy her meal because I didn't either.

"Okay," she pushed her plate into the middle of the table with a light giggle, "it's shit."

"Good," I let out a sigh of relief, "let's head to the earlier screening then, I can't even tell who's working here and who's a patron."

She held my hand tightly as we left the restaurant. Her palm was slightly clammy, but I didn't mind it. She was probably intimidated by the sight of the dingy alleyway that led us back to the street from the restaurant. Even in such dim lighting she looked undeniably beautiful, and honestly, all I could think about was making her cum again.

"Alex?"

She gave my hand a squeeze to bring me back to reality, looking up at me all doe-eyed and almost concerned. I didn't realise that I'd fallen victim to my x-rated thoughts.

"2 tickets to.. that one please," I found it too embarrassing to say the actual name of the movie, opting to point to the movie poster above our heads instead.

The guy behind the counter gave me a slight scoff before going to print our tickets. I almost wanted to punch him just for looking at me like that. It wasn't a side of me that Y/N had ever seen before and I was hoping to keep it that way. I took a deep breath, smiling through grit teeth as I snatched our tickets and led her to the snack station.

"What was that about?" She asked me, giving my hand another squeeze. She was too smart to let anything slide passed her, and for that I only adored her more. I was never really a relationship guy, I always just slept around, preferring to having my fun and then not have to wake up next to them in the morning. But something about Y/N made me want to wake up next to her and stroke her hair and make her breakfast in bed. It was a weird feeling to say the least and I didn't know how to push it back down.

"Oh nothing, he was just scoffing like an idiot, I'm not gonna stand for that shit," I was entirely honest with her, and she seemed to agree when she nodded her head.

"Yeah what was his problem?" She let out a tiny chuckle as my eyes bugged out at the sight of the popcorn, bursting from their cardboard boxes and spilling with golden-buttery-crunchy goodness. I had to grab two, and maybe that was me changing the subject, but it worked.

She followed me as I paid, grabbing a measly bottle of cold water and setting it down next to my mega-sized coke and raspberry slushy. It was almost ironic, our drinks perfectly representing our person.

She was already snacking on her popcorn, holding both boxes to her chest and trying to eat the pieces that were falling from the top. She looked like a little mouse, but in a cute way.

"Okay Stewart Little, save some for the movie," I joked, as we slid through the aisle and sat in our designated seats, way up the top and right in the back corner. Why would I want to sit anywhere else?

"Shut up Alex," she snapped back, as the previews started and she snuggled up to my side. I held my breath as I wrapped an arm around her shoulder, seeing if it would stop the hard thumping in my chest. I was always afraid she'd hear it and know how I was feeling. Why was I so afraid to show my feelings?

"Thanks for taking me out on a date, Alex," she smiled with her pearly whites and it was almost all I could notice illuminated by the movie screen.

"You're welcome sweetheart," I had to keep it cool, turning back to the screen and digging my hand in the popcorn, pretending I didn't notice the way her face heated up. My god, was she probably going to be the death of me.

#evan peters #evan peters fanfic #evan peters fanfiction #evan peters smut #evan peters requests #evan peters imagine #evan peters x reader #american horror story #2nd person pov #fem!reader #alex adult world #alex adult world x reader #alex adult world smut #alex adult world fanfiction #boy next door yes divine ruler

[pascaloverx]

Strangers?

Part Two

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Author's note: This fanfic is set in the creation of Jenny Han. Conrad Fisher and other characters mentioned in the future do not belong to me. I hope you like this fanfic, depending on how it goes, I'll decide if this fic will have more parts or just this one. This fanfic is recommended for all audiences, there will be no adult content in it, only possible inappropriate language and alcohol consumption.

You arrive at the beach some time later, and you realize you might have dozed off on Conrad's shoulder. Embarrassment washes over you, and you quickly move away.

"Tell me you didn't hear me snoring…" You know there's a real chance he heard your snoring or that you drooled on his jacket. Great first impression.

"You know, you do this funny thing with your nose when you're sleeping. And if you want to know, the snoring wasn't that bad." He says while smiling, and you feel like you could dig a hole in the ground and bury yourself in it. Your day is getting better and better.

"I'm so glad we're finally here. I can't wait for the ice cream, although it's probably melted by now." You say, incredibly excited, but Conrad seems to find it strange.

"Why would you be happy that your ice cream melted?" Conrad asks as we get out of the car. He grabs the groceries, and I close my car and grab a blanket I had in the trunk.

You both sit on the beach, and you realize you have no idea where you are, and for some reason, that's comforting. You feel like you've spent your whole life trying to find yourself, never allowing yourself to enjoy the feeling of being spontaneous and lost. You grab the tub of ice cream and a plastic spoon you bought from the little shop, while Conrad takes the beer, and you both watch the sun begin to set.

"Want some?" You say, pointing to the tub of chocolate ice cream in your hands, offering it to Conrad, who seems to be realizing that the ice cream wasn't the only thing that heated up during your car ride.

"I don't know how warm beer and melted ice cream affect a person's stomach. But judging by the way you're digging in, I guess the ice cream must be great." He says between sips of beer, and you try to clean your mouth as soon as you realize you might be making a mess.

"How's it now?" You ask while trying to clean your face; he then reaches out toward your lip and wipes it on the left corner. You just watch him, feeling a certain intimacy in this gesture. Suddenly, you shake yourself to stop deluding yourself.

"Now it's perfect. Tell me something, what made you so lonely that you wanted my company? If I may ask, of course." He add, trying to steer the conversation toward you, hoping to uncover the reasons behind your solitude.

"If we're going to do this, we have to do it right. I propose a truth or dare game." You suggest, trying to lighten the mood and make the situation more comfortable.

"Okay, truth or dare?" Conrad asks nonchalantly.

"Truth." you respond, almost whispering. You gaze out at the sea, taking a moment to gather your thoughts. You already know what he wants to hear, so you sigh and begin to explain the twist your life has taken in the last 24 hours.

"I was working as a babysitter to pay off the student loan I took, and like any foolish young person, I fell for the sweet words of the eldest son of the family I worked for, who happened to be the father of the baby I was taking care of. We were the same age, so naturally, one thing led to another. But I found out yesterday that I was part of a social experiment. Someone he used to show his parents that he knew how to handle life. So I decided to come here to contemplate life since now, besides being single, I'm also unemployed." You say it all at once, hoping your foolishness goes unnoticed.

"You know..." Conrad starts, a faint smile on his lips, "sometimes life throws curveballs at us when we least expect it. But it's how we handle those curveballs that define us. You've shown incredible strength by facing your situation and taking charge. You're not alone in this, and hey, who knows? Maybe this unexpected turn might lead you to something even better."

"Is that something even better you?" You say while smiling truly extravagantly. You apologize quietly for the almost-laugh that escaped you.

Conrad chuckles, a genuine smile appearing on his face. "Well, who knows?" he replies, a playful glint in his eyes. "Life is full of surprises, right?"

"Enjoy the fact that you're in a good mood and tell me why you were having a mental breakdown in that convenience store earlier. I imagine your story is as good as mine."

"Oh, believe me, my story is not as eventful as yours. I was just having a classic existential crisis in the middle of snack aisle, questioning my life choices and wondering if I'll ever find true happiness." Conrad replies with a half-smile, trying to downplay his own troubles.

"It depends on what you think true happiness is…" You say, taking another spoonful of ice cream.

"Isabel Conklin was my happiness. Or still is. Do you know when the person you love stops being your happiness?" He asks.

"I think happiness shouldn't entirely depend on another person. Perhaps, when we learn to find joy within ourselves, the people around us become complements to that happiness, not exclusive sources of it." You respond, contemplating the question of happiness and love.

"I don't know if it helps or makes it worse. Either way, truth or dare?" He directs the question at you, attempting to steer away from the subject.

"I'm inclined to choose 'truth' again." You respond, observing his attempt to change the topic. Deep down, you're starting to believe that it's more than just a matter of a broken heart.

"It's not fair for you to choose only truth. Where's the girl who told me to move out of her way so she could drive past?" Conrad says, trying to tease me.

"Alright, hit me with your best shot, big guy." You try to sound fearless, but deep down you know he won't ask for anything crazy, right?

"I challenge you to take a plunge into that sea and have a nice swim in that probably freezing but invigorating water." He says, pointing towards the ocean. What a tease. You're definitely going to catch a cold here.

"Come with me?" You say as you strip off most of the clothes you have on. If you go in with this many clothes, you might get sick anyway. Conrad seems to ponder for a moment but eventually joins you.

For a few moments, it feels like the two of you get lost in the water, as if it's blissful. Then you look at Conrad and ask, "Truth or dare?"

Conrad responds after a dive, "Dare." You look into his eyes and smile. Then you say loudly, "I dare you to do something spontaneous, I don't know. Whatever comes to your mind first… if you need suggestions, I have a few."

For a moment, you both lock eyes, he thinking about what he wants to do and you observing what he will choose. You imagine him stepping out of the sea and approaching the elderly couple nearby, asking for a photo, or perhaps he'd ask for the phone number of the beautiful stranger walking towards the beach. But he manages to surprise you. Before you know it, his lips are on yours. Gently, he gives you a peck. A peck that starts to linger, maybe because it's the first time your lips meet his. You grab his hair, pulling your face closer to his. You're only interrupted by a couple shouting his name near where you left your clothes.

#conrad fisher x reader #tsitp fanfic #conrad x reader #strangers to lovers #conrad fisher fanfic #belly conklin #jeremiah fisher #reader insert #Spotify

[briamichellewrites]

14 - Bria’s Version

Misty was skittish. She jumped at almost everything because it was all new to her. At that moment, someone accidentally shut their door too hard, scaring her. Bark! She went over to Mike for comfort. He petted her and assured her she was okay. It had only been twenty-four hours since he got her, so she had to get used to her new environment. She thanked her human after calming down. French bulldogs were tough and so was she. One day, she would be a great bulldog who wasn’t afraid of anything!

But for now, she was a puppy who was afraid of everything. That was why she was happy to have her human. She went back to playing. Bria had left to go home, so it was just them. They talked about possibly moving in together after her eighteenth birthday. She was interested in that, though she would need help financially.

That meant helping her know how much her bills were every month. She had the hang of grocery shopping since she usually just bought the same things. How often did she go? Once a week. She didn’t have a specific day she went. It was just the day that was convenient for her.

That made sense. Yeah, he could help her with paying her bills. He was thinking about buying a house because he wanted a backyard for Misty and Otis to run around in. They could go over their finances. They also talked about trying a friends-with-benefits relationship since they had a mutual attraction to each other. He wasn’t yet ready for a dating relationship as he needed to work through his trust issues with Anna but he wasn’t wanting to be lonely.

If they did start officially dating, that meant they would have to be exclusive and couldn’t date other people. She understood that. Eighteen. She couldn’t wait! He laughed. Being a legal adult wasn’t that great. It came with a lot of responsibilities.

He did want her to get evaluated by a mental health professional, as did Brad. The sooner she got diagnosed, the sooner she could start treatment. She had trauma, along with suspected abandonment issues. They didn’t want her to self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, or men. She was at risk of developing an addiction.

Chester suspected she had bipolar disorder or something similar, but he wasn’t a mental health professional. Maybe she even had PTSD. Because of them pushing her, she decided to go. He thanked her and hugged her. The following afternoon, she came into the studio emotionally and psychologically exhausted. It had been a very long and difficult few hours of nonstop questioning. Rob had her sit down before she collapsed. Thank you.

What happened? She had a shitload of trauma that she wasn’t even aware of. Did she get diagnosed? Yeah, she had ADHD, anxiety, and Bipolar disorder with Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder. That meant she was afraid of real or imagined abandonment; had a distorted self-image, impulsiveness, and chronic feelings of emptiness or depression.

She thought the diagnosis was funny because it fit her perfectly! Her bipolar disorder was likely genetic from her mother. She had mood swings, impulsiveness, euphoria, decreased need for sleep, restlessness, forgetfulness, fatigue, and rumination. They told her to hang out with them for a while because they didn’t want her driving home exhausted. She would. Mike wanted to do research into what Borderline Personality Disorder was. He would do that when he got home.

Brad would do that, too. The therapist highly recommended puppy therapy.

“He said that being around puppies was great for stress management. I told him that Mike has a puppy and he highly recommended that I got a puppy, so it’s official now.”

“What breed are you getting”, Rob asked.

“I have no idea. Oh my god. I wanted to adopt every puppy at the shelter! They all came over to us with their tails wagging and tongues sticking out, like a herd of dogs. It was so cute! Misty was off by herself, just waiting for us to come over to her.”

They laughed. Mike agreed it was adorable. Brad was already on the laptop looking up information about Borderline Personality Disorder. He found out that it was related to trauma. Everything the website said verified what she had told them. A person with the disorder had trouble regulating emotions and maintaining relationships. They were quick to anger over things they would find inconvenient, like a long line at the checkout counter.

Their biggest fear was abandonment – real or imagined. They were also at risk of suicide and self-harm. No matter what, they would never abandon her. If she started using drugs or drinking heavily, they would do whatever they could to get her help. They would also learn the difference between enabling and helping her through her addictions or mental health problems.

They were the first and only family she ever knew. She was their little sister, who they loved and would always protect. She leaned back on the chair, causing it to almost tip over. Joe asked if she was okay. Yeah, she was. She got up and moved to another chair before leaning back and closing her eyes. Much better! They laughed. Was she that tired? She could take a nap on the couch again. That would be fucking awesome. She got up and went over there.

“If we need you, we’ll know where to find you”, Rob joked.

“If you wake me up, I’ll kick your ass.”

They laughed. She laid down and curled up in a ball. Chester got up and put his jacket over her to keep her warm. She looked so cute. Her eyes were closed, as she drifted off to sleep. It would mean that she would have trouble falling asleep later but it was worth it, especially since being tired meant getting into a car accident. She didn’t want that and neither did they.

Yesterday, the bird thought her world was ending As the blue sky filled with darkness And rain fell upon her feathers ‘The world is ending! The world is ending!’ But then, the rain stopped, the sky opened up And the bird saw her world anew

While she slept, Brad shared what he found out. She would have mental health problems her entire life. It would be one step forward, two steps back. They all agreed that they wouldn’t give up on her, no matter what.

After sleeping for a couple of hours, she woke up feeling like a fucking rockstar. Chester asked what that meant. It meant she was going to go get something to drink because she was thirsty. He decided to use that time to get a refill of coffee. He didn’t need any more coffee! Mike told him that they were not peeling him off the ceiling. Brad decided to go with it to make sure he didn’t overdo it with the caffeine. Good idea. The rest of them used that time to take a break.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon @fiickle-nia @boricuacherry-blog

[melwilson]

lonely people | b.b.

pairing: bucky barnes x reader

rating: fluff

warnings: slow burn. kinda long.

a/n: i’m not dead. i just had zero inspiration. here’s to me kinda getting my groove back. it took me way too long to finish this, but i think y’all will like it. it’s one of my faves.

People were...people.

And people were complicated.

That’s all you could really say to describe your relationships, or lack thereof. You could blame it on your social anxiety or undeveloped communication skills or just the sole fact that you strongly despised the human race. In fact, you could spend the rest of your life alone in your apartment and you’d be fine, but your therapist mentioned that loneliness was damaging. No one deserves to be alone, she had said. Maybe she was right, you just shrugged it off. You had been alone most of your life. It wasn’t something that you shut the door on like a nosy neighbor. You welcomed the solace being alone provided. A comfort and a calm that couldn’t be interrupted. However, the words of your therapist seemed to etch themselves permanently in the back of your mind. You could hear her calm, almost motherly, voice as you carried on with your week.

You need friends, Y/n. You need people that you can relate to and depend on. I’m the only human contact you get every week and yes, you can depend on me, but you need someone else. Anyone else.

You sighed, your eyes squeezing shut as you tried to rid your mind of her voice. Making friends was something children did. You were a grown ass adult who still panicked when it was your turn to pay in the grocery line. Getting to know someone required putting yourself out there. Being vulnerable, but before that you just actually had to talk...to another human. Which you weren’t good at. But maybe, just maybe, Dr. Smith’s voice would go away if you gave it a shot.

So, you got up and got dressed in your favorite hoodie and jeans and topped it off with a pair of hightop converse. You weren’t exactly sure where you were going to go, but the coffee shop down the street was always your first stop before you went anywhere. It was apart of the routine. No, it didn’t inspire change. It was small and quiet, the people were nice, and the coffee was five star. It was the perfect place for you to pop in every now and then and gain that sense of familiarity. You ordered the same thing every time; vanilla sweet cream cold brew. The first time you walked in, it’s the what the barista recommended. You figured that he knew best, so you went with it. Now, every time you grace the coffee shop with your presence, you don’t even make it up to the counter before they start on your order.

“How’ve you been, Y/n?” Your favorite barista, Donnie, wore a kind smile as you leaned against the counter. He was a tall redhead who always seemed to be working the same days you went in. It was comforting and regular.

“Good,” you said honestly, “Sorry, I haven’t come down to see you. I bought the Keurig you recommended. It works wonders for an introverted individual.”

Donnie chuckled, shaking his head. “You’re saying it’s my fault?”

“Precisely,” You hummed as he slid you your daily dose of caffeine. “You’re the best, Don.” You slid him a ten and he just glanced up at you. “On the house...I know,” you said with a roll of your eyes. “It’s a tip.” Before he could protest, you were half way out the door and stepping out onto the busy Brooklyn streets. Immediately, you shoved your left hand in your hoodie pocket, making your body as small as possible. Trying to walk through downtown Brooklyn would have been impossible for you a year ago. It was too crowded, too many bodies, too much noise. It was overwhelming. Even now, it still overwhelmed you, but your sessions with Dr. Smith had made controlling your anxiety easier.

Taking a hard right, you cut through an empty alley that was a shortcut to your apartment. You had gotten out of your house today. That was enough for you. Tomorrow, you had a session with Dr. Smith.

The office building that Dr. Smith worked in was nice. Really nice. The whole building was reinforced glass, whites, grays, and blacks bringing to the modern feel. It was a great contrast to the red, brick buildings that bore the history of the city. Today, the sun radiated throughout the whole building bringing it’s warmth and a multitude of people with it. There were different businesses in the building, a dentist on floor eight and an insurance company on floor ten, so, naturally there were always people in and out of the elevator. Today, though, there was a lot of people. You had managed to squeeze your way to the back, your shoulders brushing over the ones next to you. You fingers meddled with the gold rings that you rarely took off, eyes casted at the floor. Your breathing was quick and shallow and the small child who couldn’t seem to take their eyes off of you only made it worse.

When the elevator dinged and a bright red ‘NINE’ ran across the screen, you shoved your way out of the steal box and tumbled into the waiting room. You were almost gasping for air as you approached the front desk.

“Too many people?”

You nodded meeting a pair of green eyes. Cynthia was probably the nicest lady you had ever met. She was nearing 40 and married with a couple of a kiddos that you seen running around the offices. She wore a kind smile and had a soothing voice that you could listen to all day. “You changed you hair color?” Her usual brown hair, was now blonde with brown highlights. It was pretty, but it was different.

“Yeah,” Cynthia sighed, running a hand through her long locks, “Ready for a change, I suppose.”

You nodded, signing your name on the check-in sheet.

Change. Even the thought made you wanna puke. Brooklyn, New York had been your home all of the 25 years you had been alive. You knew the streets like the back of your hand. You knew what diners were the best, how to get from one place to another without getting stuck in traffic, the best and worst places to live, the names of the all the older men and women whose businesses were still kicking. Brooklyn was all you had ever known. It’s all you wanted to know. You didn’t want different. You didn’t want something you would have to get used to, something you would have to learn. You had discovered that even the smallest inconveniences were hard for you deal with. Like right now, two teenagers were in your seat. The black leather couch that you had grown accustomed to was taken. You stopped, your breath hitching ever-so slightly. The only available spot was next to a man with cropped brown hair and a brooding appearance that made you want to settle for the tile floors.

Get over yourself, L/n, you said to yourself. The man only glanced at you when you sat down next to him. He shuffled over to give you more space and that’s when you noticed his gloved hands. It was 60 degrees out and sunny. Why this man was wearing gloves, you weren’t going to ask. You just shrunk further into your seat, your knee bouncing with every second that ticked by. A few minutes passed and you could feel the man’s eyes on you. You caught a glimpse of his steel blue eyes before he looked away.

“Sorry,” he muttered under his breath.

You shook your head. “Uh, don’t worry about it.”

Minutes of uncomfortable silence seemed to go on forever until your name was called. You stood up wiping the imaginary dust off your jeans, not sparing the unknown man a glance before disappearing down the hallway.

“Make any friends this week?” Dr. Smith asked. Her glasses were perched atop of her nose, her brown eyes already searching for a lie.

“I went to see Donnie.”

She rolled her eyes, clicking her pen twice. “Did you make any new friends?”

You sighed, tugging your bottom lip between your teeth. “I talked to a guy in the lobby before today’s session.”

Dr. Smith hummed, raising an eyebrow. “Did you get this guys name or number?”

“No, but he wore gloves. Who wears gloves in the middle of spring?” You asked, more to yourself than to the shrink.

“That’s James,” Dr. Smith revealed. Her first name was Marlinda, most called her Mar. “War vet. He doesn’t get out much either. You two might be good for each other. I want you to talk to him.”

You groaned. “Mar-“

“Y/n. You are 25 years and have no friends. No one to talk to. You. Are. Alone. And I know that’s hard for you to hear and you may not understand nor realize it. I want you to have a life, Y/n. I want you experience things without being crippled by your anxiety. But it’s going to take work. Work that you have to do. There are mountains you’ll have to go over and valleys you’ll need to travel through. But I will not allow you to let your anxiety control you.”

You swallowed thickly, Dr. Smith’s words hitting you like a ton of bricks. Her words were genuine. She wanted to see you be free, but they were stern. You met her eyes before glancing out the window. “I’m trying, Mar. I just don’t know how to do it.”

“Start by getting James’ number. I expect good news next week.” You nodded, standing to your feet. You stuffed your hands into the pocket of your hoodie as you trudged over to the door. “And Y/n?” 

You turned around raising an eyebrow. 

“You’re more than your anxiety.” Mar’s voice was soft and didn’t have the edge to it like it usually did. You could only send her half a smile before grabbing the door handle and walking out of the office. 

It rained for three days straight after your session with Mar. You spent those three days moping in your apartment. Most of time, the rain didn’t bother you. You loved the rain. You loved the cozy atmosphere and the peace those gray, rumbling clouds brought. You would always turn on a good movie or pick out a book to read. You sighed as you read the same line for nearly the tenth time. Your mind was elsewhere. It was cluttered. Dr. Smith’s words rolling around in your head like a bowling ball. You’re more than your anxiety. 

“For goodness sake,” you muttered under your breath. You stood up from your couch and made your way into your room. “This’ll have to do.” You were in a pair of light wash jeans, a plain back tee, windbreaker on top, and the same pair of converse from a few days ago. You grabbed your phone, keys, and wallet before heading out the door. The rain had slowed down just enough for you to reach Brooklyn Roasting Company. As soon as you stepped in the door, the floodgates opened and thunder rumbled in the sky. You shrugged off your jacket as you approached the counter, catching the sight of the familiar mop of red hair. 

“I get to see you twice in a week,” Donnie said catching your gaze. “Someone’s getting adventurous.” 

You scoffed, a small smile playing on your lips. “Don’t get used to it.”

“I’ll grab your cold brew, but I hope that you didn’t plan on sitting in your usual seat.” 

You furrowed your eyebrows following Donnie’s gaze to the man sitting in your seat..the one next to the window. You recognized the cropped brown hair, sharp jawline, and gloved hands. 

“You think you could bring that cold brew to my table?” 

“Yeah, give me a couple of minutes.” 

You muttered thanks. 

Start by getting James’ number...

You’re more than your anxiety. 

You sucked in a sharp breath, your feet carrying you over to the table James was sitting at. You cleared your throat when he didn’t notice you at first. His eyes ran over your frame, a hint of confusion mixing in with the ocean blue. 

“H-hi,” your voice was soft and you smiled, nervousness laced in your eyes. “Do you, uh, mind if I sit here?” 

James’ eyes looked at the empty tables behind you and then to the seat across from him. “No. It’s all yours.” An awkward silence fell between the two of you, your eyes focused on the rain drops rolling down the windows. 

“Vanilla sweet cream cold brew for the pretty lady,” Donnie said, interrupting the silence. 

“Thanks, Don,” you said with a small smile. He nodded mouthing, ‘good luck,’ before sending you a wink and heading back into the kitchen. 

“You’re the girl from the therapists office?” James’ voice was deep and smooth. 

You nodded taking a sip of your coffee. “Yeah, that’s me. I’m Y/n.” 

“Bucky.” 

“Bucky,” you repeated, his name falling effortlessly from your lips. You both liked the way it rolled off your tongue so easily. You glanced out the window and then back at Bucky. He looked tired, dark circles starting to form under his eyes, but that didn’t take away from his striking features. There was a light stubble lining his jawline almost up to his high cheek bones. His blue eyes stuck out against his pail skin, long eyelashes grazing his skin when he blinked. He wore the same black jacket he had adorned at therapy, black jeans, and black combat boots. You could see a dark blue shirt poking out at the top, dog tags hanging loosely around his neck. “It’s nice to meet you, Bucky.”

“The pleasure is mine, Y/n.”

Bucky couldn’t get his knee to stop moving. Up and down, up and down. Faster and faster. He was waiting. Waiting for you. You ended up spending nearly an hour at the coffee shop together. Few words were exchanged, but neither of you really desired to talk. It was the presence of another person that both of you were content with. Bucky glanced at the clock, his bottom lip tugged between his teeth. He had ten minutes before his session and he really wanted to see you. Another minute passed and soon enough you were stepping out of the elevator. At just the sight of you, Bucky’s knee came to slow, his shoulders relaxing.

“Hi,” you said softly. You sounded almost out of breath, your chest rising and falling quicker than normal.

Bucky sent you a small tug of his lips as you sat down next to him. “Hey.” No other words were exchanged.

The following week, you were late and missed getting a chance to see Bucky before your session.

“I made a friend...I think,” you told Mar.

“James?” Mar questioned.

“Bucky,” you corrected sitting back in your seat.

A small but proud smile graced Mar’s lips. You didn’t realize it, but there was an ever so small light in your eyes that she saw. A light that she had been trying to dig out of you since your first session. “And did you get Bucky’s number?”

You shook your head. “I talked to him though. I took the first step and asked if I could sit at his table. I sit next to him in the waiting room before sessions. He’s- he’s nice.”

“There was a time when I thought your smile would never reach your eyes,” Mar said honestly. “I’m glad to see you’ve changed my mind.”

The next week, you got there before Bucky. You were half and hour early. Why?

You wanted to spend time with a friend.

Ten minutes later, Bucky stepped out of the elevator his eyes searching the room until they landed on you.

“You didn’t come last week.”

You slid over so the brunette could sit. “I didn’t miss. I was late.” Bucky hummed. “You miss me?”

“Don’t flatter yourself, L/n,” the man scoffed.

“You can admit it. Besides, it’s nice to know someone enjoys having me around. I like having you around too.”

Cynthia called your name before Bucky got a chance to respond. You stood up, sending him a smile before disappearing down the hallway.

“Leaving so soon?”

You jumped, your hand flying to your chest, heart beating wildly. You turned to face Bucky who was leaning against the glass building, a smug smile playing on his lips.

“What the hell, Barnes?”

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Bucky said pushing himself off the wall. The sunlight only seemed to illuminate Bucky’s features further.

“Yes, you did,” you deadpanned.

“You’re right,” Bucky shrugged, “I did.”

You rolled your eyes continuing down the street. Bucky caught up with you quickly, his stride matching yours. “What do you want, Buck?”

“I wanna...hang.”

You stopped in your tracks, your eyes narrowing. “You want to...hang?”

“Um, yeah. If-if that’s okay with you.” Bucky seemed nervous as you guys moved out of the way of those trying to avoid you.

Your eyes softened. “That’s more than okay with me, Bucky. You got anywhere in mind?”

“You’re place?”

Bucky was in your space. Your space. If someone didn’t out right tell what they were really like, their home definitely did.

It smells good in here, Bucky thought to himself. Your apartment was exactly how Bucky pictured it to be. Simple, yet organized. The living room held a gray couch and two plush chairs, a TV mounted on the wall. A glass coffee table sat in the middle, a few books and a half consumed coffee cup on top. You dropped your jacket over the back of the couch, noticing how Bucky was still standing by your door.

“Can I get you anything?” You offered.

Bucky shifted his weight into his right leg. “I’ll take a water.”

As you reached into the refrigerator, you could hear Bucky’s footsteps against the hardwood floors. When you looked up, he had taken a seat at the countertop, his jacket and gloves still on. You tossed him the water which he caught with ease.

“What?” Bucky asked. Your arms were crossed over your chest, that look of curiosity that he had grown to recognize on your face.

“You gonna take your jacket off?”

“I’m comfortable,” Bucky shrugged.

“I’ve known you for a month, James.” Bucky’s eyes narrowed at the use of first name. “What could be so bad that you have to hide it from me?”

Bucky was quiet for a moment and when he looked at you there was a sadness laced in his eyes. “A lot.”

You pushed yourself off the counter moving to sit next to the larger man. “We’re both messed up, Buck. If I can’t handle your flaws, then I shouldn’t call myself your friend. Look, you don’t have to tell me or show me, but you’re kinda all I got so I’m always gonna be here.”

“I just need some time,” Bucky said softly.

You nodded placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Come on,” you gestured towards the tv, “You said you wanted to hang.”

This hang out continued. Every week, Bucky would come and spend the rest of the afternoon and evening with you after therapy. He slowly started to loosen up around you and you around him.

“So, he’s your best friend?” Mar asked.

“Um, yeah,” you nodded, “You could put it like that.”

Mar stared at you for a moment, her eyes studying your face. You shifted in your seat, your knee bouncing slightly. Her stare made you uncomfortable. She knew you better than anyone so whatever she was going to say was going to hit you deep. “You like him.”

You choked on air, your eyes wide. “I- what?”

Mar rolled her eyes. “Don’t play dumb, Y/n. You’ve fallen for him.”

“Mar-“

“Y/n, it’s okay,” she said noticing the scared look laced in your eyes. “You’re allowed to feel again. You know, when you walked into this office you only spoke...maybe ten words to me. You hated it. You hated me. You didn’t want to trust anyone because you lost someone.”

“...I lost everyone,” you said softly.

“I know,” Mar agreed, “but you allowed yourself to let Bucky in and you’ve only known him for two months. He’s special to you-“

“He’s all that I have, Mar.”

“So why not give him all that you have?”

There were tears threatening to spill. “Because everyone that I’ve ever loved, I’ve lost.”

“But it wasn’t your fault. What happened to your dad came with the job, okay? And we both know that it’s better that your mom was not in your life. And your grandparents? They hung on until you were legally an adult. Loss is apart of life, Y/n. It’s not something you can run from and hope never happens.”

“But it hurts,” your voice was barely above a whisper, but the pain was there.

“It’s supposed to because you cared. I know that you’re scared, but you and James both deserve someone who cares and loves unconditionally.”

The next day, there was a knock on your door.

“It’s open!” you called from the couch. You knew Bucky was planning to come over. He had texted you a few hours before asking what you wanted from the coffee shop. You heard the door slam shut and Bucky’s shuffling from behind the couch.

“Hey,” he said. He extended his arm to hand you your cold brew except in front of you was metal. Your eyes raked up the metal arm until you met Bucky’s blue eyes. His bottom lip was tugged between his teeth, jacket and gloves discarded. He was waiting for your reaction. Waiting for you to kick him out and tell him that you never wanted to see him again in account of what he had done. But that didn’t happen.

“I knew it,” you muttered softly.

Bucky was tense as he sat down next to you. “You knew what?”

“I’m not an idiot, Bucky. I started to piece things together. The gloves, the jacket, your overall hatred for humanity..”

“Why didn’t you tell me you knew?”

“Because I knew that you’d tell me when you were comfortable,” you shrugged. You sank down in your seat taking a drink of your coffee.

You could see from your peripheral, Bucky setting his coffee on the table, his body moving closer to yours, knees touching. He took your hand in his metal one squeezing it gently. “Thank you.”

You responded by bring the black and gold metal to your lips. The gesture caused both you and Bucky to freeze. Neither of you were used to displays of affection, giving or receiving. It wasn’t hard to tell that both of you were touch deprived and longing for something gentle and real. Even though Bucky couldn’t really feel your kiss, the gesture was enough for him to realize how special you were. His heart was beating wildly in his chest as he craved more. He wanted to feel every inch of you, not just your body, but your heart, and your soul. He wanted to know you, all of you. He wanted to know how you liked your eggs cooked, your favorite song, what books you were reading, what made you laugh, what made you cry, your favorite places to eat, your favorite movies. Bucky wanted you.

“I’m sorry,” you said, the heat crawling up your neck. “I- it felt right. Everything with you feels right.” Bucky could sense that there was more you wanted to say, so he stayed silent, his thumb rubbing over the back of your hand. “When I met you, I wasn’t looking for anything. I actually was against relationships as a whole. But then I met you. And that was...it just happened, I guess. I found myself wanting to spend time with you. And then I found myself falling for you. It was simple and easy. I was comfortable. I think that’s how the best relationships start. You’re not looking and then there’s something. Someone. You’re my someone.”

Bucky’s heart swelled at your confession. God, I don’t deserve her, he thought to himself. He didn’t think that it was possible to have someone feel that way about him, nor did you think it was possible to feel the way you felt about Bucky.

“This whole relationship thing...I don’t really know how to do it,” Bucky said, his voice low and laced with a kind of disappointment. “I’m not sure I remember how to love or what it’s like to be loved, but I’m will to try for you. You’re all I got and you’re all I want, Y/n L/n.”

You sent him a sweet smile, a smile that reached your eyes and was filled with warmth. Suddenly, the distance between you was slim to none, your breaths mingling together. Bucky’s hands had found themselves gripping at your waist pulling you impossibly close. You were hoping he couldn’t hear your thundering heartbeat, your bottom lip tugged between your teeth. Before you lost the courage, you pressed your lips softly against Bucky’s. It was as if time stopped for this moment. The kiss was sweet, the feeling strange and foreign but you welcomed the change. Your lips seemed to fit together perfectly as Bucky took the lead, clearly more experienced. When you pulled away, Bucky grunted chasing your lips hungry for more.

“Damn,” you muttered, chest heaving. “That was...nice?”

“Nice?” Bucky laughed. It was probably the most beautiful sound you had ever heard. “You’re an angel, ya know that?”

A shy smile tugged at your cheeks as you placed your head on Bucky’s shoulder. You two had a lot to learn about yourselves, about each other, about relationships. And you were scared....terrified. But as you sat there, a warm feeling turning in your stomach, Bucky’s arms wrapped around you, you decided that the risk was worth it. And the man next to you was worth everything.

—

tag list: @hellishseaqueen

#bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x reader #james buchanan barnes #bucky fluff #sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader #fatws #fatws bucky #avenger imagines #marvel fluff #marvel fanfiction

[kaypeace21]

The ‘parentification’ of Jonathan Byers (psych analysis)

“Parentification is defined as the phenomenon where children take caregiving responsibilities (acting as a parent)  for their parents, siblings or other family members, at the expense of their own developmental needs.”

When can parentification occur?

1) After a “Divorce”   

“If there is more than one child in the family, usually the eldest, is “chosen” to be parentified .When a father-figure is missing, it may be the eldest son who is forced to take on his father's responsibilities.”

2) When there’s a “parent with a mental illness “

3)“Parental alcoholism or drug addiction.” (lonnie’s place covered in beer cans could allude to this).

4) “siblings with a mental illness’

5) “Death of a sibling or parent” (  This point is kind of cheating - but the fact Jon as a 15 y old had to plan a funeral, for his little brother instead of either one of his parents just illustrates how he always was forced to do adult duties much too young.)

6) “mothers of low socio-economic status, are frequently associated with parentification of their children. “

“given the fact that there are many single parent families, it falls upon children from some of these homes to carry adult responsibilities while their parent is out working. Often, in these situations, the parent is asking or expecting the child to take on adult responsibilities in their absence. They become the parent of the household in the interim between coming home from school and when the parent returns to the household.”

***TO MAKE THINGS VERY CLEAR: we are NOT hating on Joyce, here! “The harm of parentification is usually done not out of malicious intent. However, when a child who is supposed to go through their natural cycles of development and self- evolution,  is forced to grow up too quickly, there is a cost.” But, Joyce did what she had to do being a poor single mother - she had to work! Even when Lonnie was around- he had debts. And Joyce apologized to Jon for not being around when they were growing up (working since he was 5)- and she even mentioned working Hollidays . But at the end of s1, we see her celebrating Christmas eve with them (showing she’s trying to have a better work life balance for her kids and prioritize them more).  I think Will’s disappearance gave Joyce a wake-up call of sorts about what she values most-her kids.She loves her kids more than anything- and  would never intentionally do any harm. She has to work for all of them to survive and stay together. But it did force Jon to be parent to Will in her absence (especially cause Lonnie even when around wasn’t much help).

And in s3 it’s hinted Joyce plans to be there for her kids on Thanksgiving and Christmas- so she is trying to rectify past behaviors. Ok with that out of the way,  now we can continue...

 Types of Parentification 

“Parentification can either be emotional or instrumental, or both.”

“EMOTIONAL PARENTIFICATION : is when the child becomes a source of constant emotional support to their parent or sibling.Emotional parentification often involves a child or adolescent taking on the role and responsibilities of confidant, secret keeper, or emotional healer for family members.”

“ Parentification can also be the the process of role reversal where a child is obliged to act as parent to their own parent. Examples being: Listening to a parent talk about their problems.Serving as a confidante for their parent or providing emotional comfort and support to a parent.”

  “In cases of INSTRUMENTAL PARENTIFICATION: children take on practical responsibilities such as:Taking care of siblings or other relatives because a parent is unable to. Assuming housekeeping duties, such as cleaning, cooking,  grocery shopping. And Paying bills and attending to other household tasks .”

“ It’s good for kids to have responsibilities such as chores around the house or babysitting for a younger sibling. Responsibilities should increase when a child becomes a teenager to prepare them for being on their own eventually. However, when a young child is responsible for , paying the electricity bill, or raising a younger sibling, that is when problems arise.”

“Imagine a child who is bombarded every day with the responsibilities to tuck in sisters or brothers, or read them bedtime stories; organize drinks or food, wash up dishes, pay bills, or a myriad of housework. When burdened with that many responsibilities, self-care tends to go out the window. If the child continues to attend school, they may be withdrawn, unkempt, and visibly exhausted.”

“The effects are worsened and more destructive for the development of the child, the more the care-giving efforts of the child become a normalized expectation.“

 We see this in Joyce berating Jon for not parenting Will, properly (although her being upset was somewhat reasonable). But ,we also see this in how Joyce  says Jonathan has “always been good at taking care of himself.” Assuming Jon is ok, when he’s actually not. While Lonnie simply insults Will saying “he was never good at taking care of himself.”  The difference being Joyce criticizes Jon for not relying on her more. While Lonnie critiques Will for simply acting like a child and not being self-reliant, like Jonathan. Pretty heavily hinting, Lonnie even when around did very little parenting and expected the kids to take care of themselves. And since Will didn’t ‘take care of himself’ - it probably put the load on Jonathan to parent Will (when Joyce wasn’t around, even when Lonnie was physically there).

Consequences of Parentification

“ It is expected that complicated relationship patterns will develop between siblings.  The parentified sibling can often develop a symbiotic, codependent relationship with their siblings.”

“These people are very likely to find themselves in similar relational patterns in adulthood. They believe they must serve, help and rescue everyone in need. As adults, they may find that they have a confused sense of self-identity beyond the helper role. The only way they learned to relate, was through being of service and providing caregiving- so it is extremely possible that they have to be the primary caregivers for their own romantic partners . Since they never learned anything different. “

“ The ‘helper role’ might have dominated their entire being. Their sense of self did not get fully developed before they were needed to care for others, so as a result, they don’t know who they are except when they are doing things for others. “

“Parentified children can become very angry people. Sometimes this adult child may not know why they are angry . They can have explosive anger or passive anger, especially when someone triggers their parental wounds of emotional exploitation.��

“Parentified children inevitably develop a distorted image of what love is supposed to be like, thereby growing up to be quite distrustful of interpersonal relationships overall.Complicated attachment patterns emerge as a result. An avoidant attachment style is not unlikely. In the absence of a nurturing provider of safety and care, the parentified child may have learned to utterly depend on themselves alone- thereby avoiding close bonds and intimacy in adult life.intimacy is both craved for and avoided, both a longing and a great threat. Underneath this facade, they are quite lonely.”

This is similar to Jonathan not having friends, ‘not liking most people’, having ‘trust issues’ caused by Lonnie (that caused distrust of Bob, a father-figure) and simply being afraid to talk to people in general. Or joyce calling out Jonathan saying “you act like you’re all alone in this world. But your not.”

‘They also tend to blame themselves for everything that goes wrong, and constantly try to fix things that cannot be fixed.’

“The child may appear highly capable to tend for themselves and others, very mature for their age, resilient and even wise beyond their years- but they lack the safe haven of a secure attachment figure that is vital for the development of emotional regulation.”

A parentified teenager or younger child may exhibit the following symptoms:

-”Anxiety”

Like... this hurt my soul!  His face dropped the second Nancy left the room.He probably has anxiety but looks up to Joyce for trying to still be a good mom and keep it together. Why he said “WE’LL be okay” cause his mom is  “tough”.  He tries to lead by her example. But unlike Joyce, Jon probably always had to keep it together- even if struggling with similar anxiety issues as Joyce. Because he knew they both couldn’t act that way and “shut down” (for Will’s sake). He always had to put on a fake ‘grown-up’ front and keep the family together and help support Joyce and Will emotionally and finacially . And someone (unintentionally) saying the reason he’s like his mom is not because of her positive traits but because of her mental illness- must have HURT! Especially cause he’s probably already struggling with anxiety-  and maybe even fears acknowledging it. Because he’s supposed to have it ‘all together.’ “The identity of parentified children actually depends on their ability to suppress their needs. Since it is likely that their family already had too many problems to cope with, and so they learned to be quiet, voiceless and without demands. In order to be a ‘proper helper’ .“

And it probably doesn’t help he’s afraid it could escalate into something worse. Because in s1 they mentioned Joyce’s aunt having hallucinations. And jonathan even says to hopper “she used to have anxiety problems. I’m worried it could be ... I don’t know.” So yeah , Nancy saying him and Joyce have the same anxiety problems probably terrified him.

-”Depression”

-”Inability to trust others (we covered that) and or social isolation.”

-”Compulsively overworking in order to fulfill responsibilities at school and at home.”

-”Feelings of guilt and shame.”

“Fortunately, there are many healing processes and routes to wholeness and recovery for a young adult or adult who has been parentified as a child.Acknowledgment of your past is the first step to healing and recovery (via therapy or other means). You have to accept the truth of your story. Because, if you continue to live in denial, your mental energy will be spent in suppressing the pain that was there, rather than healing what needs to be healed. Being highly self-reliant was your only option in your household , but it may be a strategy that no longer works for you. It keeps you in isolation and unable to connect with others. Therefore, challenging yourself to connect with others authentically would also be considered one of the most potent ways to heal. The thoughts, feelings, impressions, and emotions buried within are waiting to be heard, once and for all.  “

Alright, thanks for listening I hope you enjoyed.  I really wanted to do a psych analysis strictly based on what the show presents. Rather than inclusion of the s4 movies. I did mention how those movies did allude to Jonathan’s parentification, here (if interested though). I also didn’t go into the hints in the narrative of Lonnie possibly being s****lly abusive to Jonathan cause it’s a bit more speculative ( I did talk about it in my DID psych analyses pt 1 & pt 2 though). Only mentioning it here, at the end, since one of the causes of parentification is also a parent s****lly ab*sing their kids (quite literally stripping their kids of their entire childhood in every way imaginable- and frankly the worst way possible). Regardless,I think most people neglect Jonathan as a character- and the s4 movies hint we’ll finally get more focus on him in the upcoming seasons. So I wanted to dedicate a post to some of Jonathan’s issues that may get more attention in later seasons.

#jonathan byers #will byers #joyce byers #stranger things

[strawberrynamjoon]

awkwardly in love

– pairing: jeongguk & reader

– genre: college, childhood friends, best friends to lovers, fluff, humor

– word count: 20k

– summary: even if everything changed, yours and jeongguk’s friendship would always stay the same - at least you thought so. but jokes on you, cupid had other plans for the two of you, making you reconsider everything you thought you knew about your best friend of twelve years.

Disclaimer: This fic is not proof read because I was way too lazy. You’ll most likely find a few mistakes here and there, I am sorry!

When you thought of Jeongguk you felt a lot of different feeling – the first one coming to your mind was pride. Honestly, how couldn’t you proud of your friendship that has lasted for such a long time? After growing up your friendship wasn’t as close as it used to be back then, when you were still in the same class, sitting next to each other for eight hours straight every single day but you still were trying to meet whenever your schedules would allow it - Jeongguk was your top priority and you were his.

By now, there were other people both of you talked to more often though – while he’d spend his daily life with friends like Jimin and Taehyung now, you did the same with your new won friends like Namjoon. It was only a natural process, considering the fact that you were majoring in different subjects, not sharing any classes anymore. But still, you luckily managed to maintain your special friendship that, no matter how close you were with other people, no one else could ever have. And if that wasn’t something to make you proud than you wouldn’t know what could. 

Another emotion was nostalgia. Both of you had come a long way, from two children playing with mud in the backyard to two young adults, about to start their own life. The little kids that seemed to be so different back then but deep down were as similar as could be were now growing up, clinging to each other because they were afraid of what was about to come. 

You’d scoff every time you thought back to those simple days, knowing exactly how cliche it sounded when you said that things were way easier back then. But they truly were. You had nothing other to worry about than your meaningless crushes or convincing your parents to let you stay out longer than usual. Nevertheless, it was nice to think that your friendship would always savor a bit of that innocent naiveness you used to have.

Like said before, you felt a thousand different emotions when thinking of Jeongguk but not a single bad one. Well, at least until now.

“What do you mean?” you asked Jimin, who was looking at you in surprise when you stood in front of the door to his, Taehyung’s and Jeongguk’s shared dorm, “He’s where exactly?”

Panic was written over Jimin’s face, not wanting to be involved, “He left an hour ago, meeting up with a girl from tinder.”

You knew this was not Jimin’s fault and you didn’t want him to feel conflicted so you simply clenched your jaw while taking a deep breath, “This goddamn jerk.”

The blonde, and also very cute guy let out a chuckle, his head nodding in agreement, “Couldn’t have said it better. Do you want to come in and wait for him?”

Thinking about it for a second, you sighed, “How long does it usually take for him to get back?”

“You’re asking me about his stamina?” Jimin seemed amused, taking a step to the side so you could enter their dorm, “He’ll be back soon, I promise.”

Laughing, you walked inside and took off your jacket. Looking around, the living room was just as messy as Jeongguk’s room at home used to be – some things never seem to change.

“Do you want tea? A cup of coffee?” your best friend’s roommate offered, already standing in the open kitchen space, looking for a clean mug before turning around to you, raising his eyebrows, “I have some vodka too if you’d prefer that.”

“Don’t worry about me, it’s Jeongguk who should be worried,” you shrugged as you let yourself fall down on the big couch, feeling bitter.

“Don’t be too harsh on him,” Jimin replied with a chuckle while making you a coffee even though you told him he didn’t have to, “His hormones are going crazy at the moment.”

Scoffing, you shook your head in disbelief, “I thought this phase was over.”

You got your phone out, wondering if Jeongguk maybe texted you but there was nothing – so you called him.

Without having to wait long, he rejected your call.

“Oh no, you did not,” you mumbled under your breath, dialing his number again, making Jimin let out a laugh as he sat down on the couch beside you.

And once again, he rejected it.

“Let me try it,” Jimin proposed, as he called him and much to your surprise, he picked up.

“What is it?” Jeongguk asked on the other line of the phone, out of breath and sounding beyond annoyed, “Why is everyone calling me?”

Jimin laughed, “You sure sound like you’re having fun.”

“I’m trying to,” he answered and you could picture his stupid grin just by hearing the tone of his voice, “But I keep getting distracted.”

“You little piece of shit,” you took Jimin’s phone in your hand, “I didn’t deal with your stupid ass for twelve years just for this.”

First, there were a few seconds of silence, a clearly confused Jeongguk thinking hard about who that voice belonged to and why he was being screamed at.

“(Y/n)?” he asked unsure, “Why are you with Jimin? When did this happen? Are you on a date?”

“Nothing happened,” you immediately shut him down, “Except for you standing me up.”

“Oh god, shit,” was all you heard, “I completely forgot. I’ll be home in an hour or so. You can stay or I’ll come over to yours later. Whatever you prefer.”

Before you could think about what to do he interrupted your thoughts, “I am so sorry, I truly am.”

“It’s okay, I’ll keep her company until you come back,” Jimin interrupted your light discussion, “But you better hurry, I know you get jealous when we spend to much time with her.”

“That’s not true,” your best friend insisted, “No one of you could ever replace me anyway, even if you married her I would still be her number one.”

“Now you’re just overconfident,” you nagged him, “Jimin already told me your stamina isn’t the best so just hurry up and come home.”

And with that, before he could say anything else, you hung up, Jimin’s eyes growing wide, “He’ll kill me.”

Laughing, you shook your head, “Won’t let him, don’t worry. The only head that will roll today is his.”

It took Jeongguk exactly 56 minutes to come back and, judging by the sweat on his forehead, he either ran his way back or he had a wild night. And by god, you hoped it was the first one. 

Obviously, you were aware that Jeongguk was in college and that he definitely wasn’t living a prude life, neither did you, however, your sex life was about the only topic you two barely talked about.

Jogging over to the couch a moment later, your sweaty best friend embraced you in a bear hug, his arms wrapped around your neck, pushing your face onto his chest. 

“I’m sorry,” he apologized, ruffling your hair, “It’ll never happen again.”

“It better won’t,” you had fight yourself out of his grip to be able to breathe, disgusted by the thought of his sweat on you, “You’re lucky Jimin was here to keep me company. “

He gave Jimin, who was just about to go to his room, a thankful smile, “Thank you, I owe you one.”

“You’re good, don’t worry about it,” Jimin almost scoffed, “Much fun, you two lovebirds.”

Rolling your eyes at his comment, you diverted your attention to Jeongguk, “Had a good time at least?”

His ears turned red in an instant, even though he wasn’t the young wallflower he used to be anymore there still was a shy side to him, “I would’ve had more fun spending the last hour with you if I am honest.”

Chuckling, you grabbed the remote next to him, ready to search for a movie to watch, “I didn’t know you’re such a playboy. Jimin told me things I certainly didn’t want to know. You better use protection, I am not ready to become an aunt yet, Guk.”

He gave you a death glare, “Don’t jinx anything, (y/n).”

Jeongguk got up to close the blinds even though it was dark outside already, making his way to the small kitchen that was part of the living room, looking into a fridge that had nothing more than an unreasonable amount of beer and one lonely bottle of milk stored inside, “How hungry are you?”

Glancing over to him, you let out a scoff, “God, I’ll force you all to go grocery shopping with me tomorrow. How are you surviving in this household?”

He laughed, shrugging his shoulders lightly, “Solely on beer as you can see.”

Walking back over to you he held two cans of beer in his hand, handing you one as he let himself fall down on the couch right beside you. It was completely dark, the TV being the only source of light in the whole room. 

You loved nights like these, only you and Jeongguk watching movies, eating, talking about anything coming to your mind - it was easy being his friend, it always has been. 

After all those years you spent together you were sure no one knew him like you did. And it was a fact that he also knew you better than any other soul walking on this earth.

While you were deciding on what to watch, your friend was on his phone about to order some pizza for the two of you. 

You were sitting with your legs crossed on the middle of the couch, Jeongguk right beside you, in a weird position somewhere between lying down and sitting, his upper body was straight, his back resting lightly against your shoulder as his legs were spread out on the couch.

“Here, it’s kinda cold,” he threw you a blanket that was lying around, not paying much attention to you as he was still looking for what food to order, mumbling, “But cover me too, don’t use it all for yourself.”

Covering both of you under the blanket, just as he instructed you to, you felt way more comfortable immediately, excited to finally spend some time with your best friend again. He still used the same cologne he always did, ever since middle school, the scent bringing you back to your teenage years every single time.

He let out a small giggle when he heard your stomach growl, “Don’t worry, food is on its way.”

“Thank god, I’m starving,” you confessed, not even being able to remember what you had for breakfast today.

“It’s not like that, by the way,” Jeongguk’s voice was quiet and your mind was trying to figure out what exactly wasn’t like what. You threw him a questioning glance, letting him know you had no idea what he meant.

“Whatever Jimin said, I’m not a playboy or anything like that,” he bit his lip nervously, making you chuckle immediately - it was almost cute to see him like that, “I just want a girlfriend.”

Wherever the sudden urge came from, Jeongguk clearly wanted to talk to you about his feelings, not knowing where to start.

It’s a rather rare experience to hear him talk about them, usually, he’s the bubbly and funny boy from next door everyone loves, no one ever saw him in a bad or thoughtful mood except for the ones closest to him.

“As if thousands of girls aren’t lining up, all waiting for their turn to impress the Jeon Jeongguk,” you playfully rolled your eyes, making him exhale a breathy laugh, “I know at least three or four girls who’d be down to make you the happiest man alive.”

Sometimes you wondered if Jeongguk wasn’t aware of his good looks - even you, as his best friend, would lie if you said you didn’t check him out before. It was still a miracle to you how the small, shy boy grew up into such a handsome young man, who not only had muscles and a flawless face but also a fitting, loving personality too. 

“You know yourself that I tried dating but I’m not very good at it,” he confessed, a pout forming on his lip.

His head was resting on your shoulder, the frustrated sigh coming from him amusing you - not that you wanted to make fun of him, it was just funny to see how he goes from a confident guy to a shy baby, “You’re good at everything you try.”

Laughing, he glanced up at you from his position, “Thanks for the ego boost.”

“Not like you need it,” you nagged him, scrunching your nose, “just don’t rush yourself, Guk.”

“What about you, though?” he suddenly changed the topic, sitting back up to look at you better, “How’s your dating life going?”

Furrowing your eyebrows, you shrugged, “It’s as uninteresting as ever.”

“Nothing going on between you and Namjoon?” he playfully pinched your cheek, as if he could ever get any information out of you by acting cute, “I swear, he was flirting with you at your birthday party.”

“Never,” you gave him a death glare, not believing he brought Namjoon up again, “Even the chances of you and me falling in love are bigger than me and Namjoon ending up together.”

“You say this as if it would be super weird for us to be dating,” Jeongguk squinted his eyes at you, a bit offended by how fast you opposed to the idea. 

“We have been best friends for twelve years,” you countered, giving him a questioning glance, “If anything was supposed to happen between us, it would’ve had by now, don’t you think?”

“I agree but everyone always thinks we’re into each other anyway, so what I tried to say was that the possibility of us being a good couple probably isn’t as little as we’d think.”

Both of you had no idea why you suddenly were trying to find out how high the possibilites of you to being a strong were couple but here you were, weighing the pros and cons of a hypothetical relationship.

Giving it a short thought, he kind of had a point. You never ever before thought about what it would be like to date Jeongguk for you - of course not, there were clear lines between the two of you, no one ever even dared to think about crossing them. 

After all the years you spent together, Jeongguk was never anything else than a friend towards you, not even a single thought crossing your mind what kind of boyfriend he’d be.

“I see what you’re saying,” you admitted, deep in thoughts, “I guess it’s because we’ve been friends for so long, we already know everything about each other.”

“Exactly,” Jeongguk agreed with you once again, “We’re just so comfortable around each other and know how to deal with the other person. It’s not like I’m saying we should date but from a logical point of view, it could work. Technically.”

“In theory, yes,” you nodded, “but the possibility of me killing you because you chew way too loud is just too high for it to work out.”

He let out a laugh, shaking his head in disbelief, “You have very weird standards.”

You gave your best friend a warm smile, a sudden rush of appreciation coming over you, “It’s nice having you in my life, Guk.”

Immediately, he threw the same warm smile back at you, always appreciating such heartfelt moments between you even though they didn’t come around often - you obviously didn’t have to tell each other how much you cherished your friendship, the many years at each other’s side speaking for themselves, “I know, I know. Your life would be pretty boring without me.”

“Way to ruin such a pure moment,” rolling your eyes, you let out a laugh, flicking his forehead lightly, “I take it back, you’re an absolute shithead.”

Pouting, he rubbed the spot where you flicked him, “You’re so aggressive, I don’t want to date you anymore.”

Something about Jeongguk joking about you and him as more than friends made you feel excited and you instantly tried to get rid of the thought, not wanting to get caught up in such a stupid idea, especially not if that idea involves Guk. 

But deep inside, you couldn’t help but waste a few more thoughts about what it actually would be like to date your best friend, feeling immediate heat rushing to your cheeks for having such inappropriate thoughts.

“Well, good for you because that would literally never happen,” you shook your head, hoping he would stop with that nonsense.

Almost as if he knew what effect it had on you, he grinned amused, “I bet you’re thinking about it right now.”

“Just be quiet and watch a movie with me,” you begged him, obviously not wanting to continue this conversation but still feeling like you should comfort him, after all, he tried to talk about his feelings with you a few minutes ago, “Your lonely ass will find a girlfriend, don’t worry about it.”

“Will she be able to down a whole bottle of wine within fifteen minutes though?” he asked amused, referring to the many nights the two of you shared with several bottles of wine, getting drunk secretly in the back of your garden. Luckily by now, you didn’t have to do it in secret anymore, many nights ending with more emptied bottles on the tables than you’d like to admit, “If not, she’s not worth my time and attention.”

“I doubt anyone can keep up with our alcoholic asses,” you laughed, “It took years of training and acting sober in front of our parents to get to this level.”

Jeongguk joined your laughter, nodding in agreement, “I’m pretty sure they knew we were drunk of our asses each and every time.”

“What do you mean?” you asked sarcastically, “There’s no way your mother figured it out when we called her at three in the morning, asking her to pick us up because we didn’t know where we were and we both lost our shoes.” 

Jeongguk burst out into laughter one more time at the cherished memory he almost forgot, “I remember her asking me if there is something I recognize around us so she could figure out where we are and I told her the moon.”

Facepalming yourself slightly, a few giggles escaped your mouth, “God, we were so young. And sloppy.”

Your friend's arm wrapped around your shoulder, pulling you into a side hug, “And basically glued to each other by our hips.”

Chuckling, you leaned into his hug, your head lazily resting on your best friend's chest, “No wonder our parents used to think we were in love, judging by the time we spent together.”

“I’m pretty sure they still believe that,” Jeongguk let out a sigh, “My mother still calls you her daughter-in-law whenever she talks about you.”

It was the same for you - in your parents' eyes, you were destined to marry the boy from next door ever since they first met him. Primarily because your parents got along so well, they always romanticized the idea of their children making them become an actual family but looking back at it now, you understood why they always wanted you to become a couple - it would be a good love story after all. 

Back then the two of you hated how often you got told that you would make a cute couple. By now the two of you kind of grew used to the speculations around you, not paying attention to them anymore.

“My parents still thought we were in love even when I dated Lucas,” you shook your head in disbelief.

Immediately, Jeongguk made a vomiting noise beside you, acting as if he was about to throw up, “No mention of this name in my flat.”

Laughing at his dramatic acting, you playfully boxed his side, “He wasn’t that bad, you just never gave him a chance.”

Scoffing, he acted offended, “You started walking to school with him instead of me. That was enough for me to resent him.”

You sat up, crossing your arms in front of your chest, “I can’t believe you still won’t let this go, I apologized a thousand times.” 

Breaking his act immediately, his arms were pulling you into the same side hug again as before, “I’m kidding, I could never be mad at you.”

Before he could say anything else, your playful conversation was interrupted by the doorbell, Jeongguk immediately jumping up from the couch to get your food. You never were more thankful for someone interrupting your movie nights, finally having time to gather your thoughts. 

The two of you never flirted, at least you wouldn’t consider your playful conversations flirting - everyone around you certainly thought you were flirting but you knew it was very easy to mistake your lighthearted, nagging jokes and platonic casual displays of affection every now and then. You still remember the first times you met Taehyung and Jimin, having to convince them several times that there was no romantic tension between you at all - and honestly, there wasn’t. 

Like Jeongguk said earlier, you’re just comfortable around each other because you know the other person like the back of your hand. And just because you were horny college students that sometimes felt a bit flirtatious with each other, nothing would change. You’d always be just friends. Right?

A few moments later, you and Jeongguk were shoveling pizza in your mouth as the intro of the horror movie you decided to watch was on, the first few cans of beer already emptied. He was sitting closer to you than necessary, but you knew that Jeongguk’s concept of personal space was almost nonexistent. 

“Put your goddamn phone on silent,” he whispered warningly with his eyes glued to the screen as he heard it vibrate, “Tell Namjoon that it’s my turn to spend time with you.”

You chuckled at Jeongguk’s comment, it wasn’t a big secret that he hated being disturbed while watching a movie, especially not if it was Namjoon. He liked Namjoon a lot, when you first introduced the two each other he told you over and over again that he was way too cool for you but he hated that Namjoon always disturbed you whenever you were having movie nights.

To him, movie nights were his only chance to escape the college life full of exams, stress and due dates for at least a few hours and in those few hours he wanted nothing to burst his bubble, not even a vibrating phone.

Checking your phone, you chuckled when you indeed saw Namjoon’s name on your phone. The unsatisfied glimpse from Jeongguk not going unnoticed, you decided to just put your phone on silent mode, knowing Namjoon wouldn’t mind waiting for an answer.

Halfway through the movie, you were interrupted once again by a bright light from the corridor blinding you as the door to the dorm opened.

Taehyung kicked it open, not able to use his hands like normal people would because they were currently busy, one grabbing the girl on his lips by her waist, pressing her closer than she already was, the other one vanishing in her hair, both not noticing, or maybe just not caring, that you were sitting on the couch just a few meters away.

You knew that Taehyung was doing this ever so often, rumors spread fast in your college, but it still was a weird concept to you - you’d like to claim that you knew Taehyung quite well by now, maybe would even consider him a buddy of yours and the boy had a heart out of pure gold, very emotional and clingy, not only when he was drunk. So him bringing home random girls was still something that simply did not fit in the picture you had of him but then, on the other hand, who wouldn’t want to be with a man as handsome as him?

Jeongguk and you gave each other an annoyed glance, wondering how often you had to endure this again and again.

Taehyung still didn’t notice you, his one foot trying to get rid of the shoe on the other foot, not even thinking about breaking his kiss for a second. The girl was giggling into the kiss as his hand wandered under her shirt, his fingertips tracing her sides. 

Jeongguk paused the movie and cleared his throat, making Taehyung finally break free from the kiss, shooting a coy smile towards where you were sitting, “Hey there, how was your date? 

The girl you’ve never seen before still clung to his side without even greeting you, placing kisses all over his neck while Taehyung was talking to the two of you.

“It was alright,” Jeongguk said, shrugging, “Nothing special.”

His best friend let out a knowing chuckle, “You always end up on the couch with (y/n) after your failed dates. Call me crazy but maybe it’s fate.”

“Maybe it’s called being friends with someone regardless of the gender,” Jeongguk insisted, shaking his head, “You should try it.”

“As you can see, I’m doing just fine,” he shrugged, pressing his lips back to the girl in front of him, his hands holding her face as he mumbled between their kisses, “Let’s go to my room.”

And with that, the two of them were gone, leaving Jeongguk with nothing more than a scoff, “I’m in need of a new roommate if he keeps on bringing home random girls. They always eat my cereal.”

“If you’re ever out of cereal, remember my dorm is only five minutes away and you’re always welcome.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t have said that,” he warned you, “I’ll be in front of your dorm every single morning from now on. Irene will hate you because of me. And you’ll be super annoyed too, but I couldn't care less.”

He wasn’t wrong, even though Irene liked Jeongguk she hated nothing more than talking to anyone early in the mornings, you were the only exception and if you were honest, that was only because she couldn’t kick you out of your dorm, even if she wanted to. What he was wrong about though was the part of you being annoyed - you missed seeing him every single morning, sure you could never be annoyed by his company. 

“If you don’t remember, we ate cereal together every single morning before going to school for years,” once again, your trip to memory lane brought excitement to Jeongguk’s eyes, making them sparkle, “And I was never annoyed of you, ever.”

Scrunching his nose in a cute way, he nodded his head, “I bet you were annoyed when I was falling for Leah, you hated her so much and my dumbass couldn’t stop talking about her.”

You raised your eyebrows as the long lost memory came back to your mind, “Yeah, you’re right, I take it back. That was truly annoying. You were so smitten, I wanted to puke.”

Jeongguk repositioned himself, resting his head on your lap with his legs resting on the armrest of their couch, the two dark brown eyes glancing up at your face - you were sure that was the most unflattering position he could look at you from but since it was only Jeongguk you didn’t really care. 

A teasing smirk formed on his lips, “Maybe I should hit her up again, who knows what could happen.”

Even though you knew he was only saying this to piss you off, you couldn't help but fall for it, immediately giving him a death glare, “Go, eat cereals at her every morning then if you like her so much.”

Turning on the movie again, Jeongguk’s repositioned himself, his head resting in your lap, “I wouldn’t want to eat cereal with anyone else but you, (y/n).”

Your hand played with his hair, the casual affection making Jeongguk smile, “I sure hope so, I get jealous very easily.”

“I know,” he replied, his eyes glued to the screen, “But you’ll always be my favorite.”

Just as you were about to pull your hair out of your scalp, the frustration growing unbearable because you simply did not understand the text you were supposed to read for class, no matter how many times you started to read a sentence, you saw your phone lighting up, Jeongguk’s name all over it.

“Hey,” you whispered, standing up and gathering all of your things, taking the call as a sign to just stop for today, “I’m in the library, give me a second.”

As you walked out of the big library in the middle of the campus, you were shocked to see that the sun already began to set, embarrassed by how little you managed to learn in such a long amount of time. It was a nice view, the golden hour making the whole campus glow.

“What’s up, Guk?” you asked your best friend, happy to hear his voice. Ever since your movie night last weekend you didn’t manage to talk to him at all, too much on both of your schedules to even text each other. 

“I miss you,” his voice sounded whiny on the other side of the line, “What are you doing tonight?”

“Haven’t planned anything,” you admitted, your eyes still glued to the beautiful summer sky, “I thought about going to Namjoon’s to learn a bit more but my head might explode if I open those books one more time.”

“Come to the fair with us,” your best friend proposed, not giving you time to say no because he knew it’d take a bit of convincing to make you go out even though exams are coming closer, “I’ll buy you food. And drinks. And I’ll even accompany you to your next family meeting even though your family is crazy.”

At the last promise, you snorted, knowing that Jeongguk tried to avoid your family as much as possible, “You’d go through such a traumatic experience just so I’ll come to the fair with you. Sounds fishy.”

“Not fishy at all, I am just worried that you’ll drown in your study books if you don’t take a break soon,” he informed you, “You look cute. Let’s go.”

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “What do you mean I look cute? Where are you?”

Before he answered you felt an arm wrapping around your shoulder, pulling you closer to the insane man that was your best friend, laughing at how startled you were, “We’re meeting Taehyung and his date in fifteen minutes, we have to hurry up.”

“Taehyung and his what?” you suspiciously asked your best friend, whose arm was still around your shoulder, making it harder for you to walk because you had to adjust to his pace.

Shrugging, Jeongguk you a small smile, “Taehyung and his date. They’re coming too.”

Glancing at him with your eyes squinted, you questioned him, “This sounds like a double date.”

Jeongguk stopped trying to act unsuspiciously, pouting at you, “He begged me to come with him, she didn’t want to meet up all alone with him.”

A long sigh escaped your lips, “And why didn’t you ask someone you’re actually interested in? Why do you have to pull me into this?”

“Hey,” he mumbled a bit offended, “You’re the most interesting person I know.”

You rolled your eyes at him, “You know that’s not what I mean, Guk. You could’ve asked any girl to go on a double date with. It’ll be awkward.”

Stopping, Jeongguk turned to you, making you stop to. The setting sun was a good look for him, making his brown eyes sparkle and his tanned skin glow. His long hair was shiny and you decided that you didn’t hate the idea of him growing out his hair anymore, it did look way better than you imagined it could but you wouldn’t admit it to him.

“He wanted to set me up with her friend but I really wasn’t feeling it, so I said I’ll take you,” he looked into your eyes, now he was the one sighing, “But if you don’t want to go that’s fine, I’ll just meet with them alone.”

Giving him yet another death glare in response to his pouting, you forced a smile on your lips, “I want chocolate-covered strawberries.”

Immediately the pout was replaced by a shining smile, his arm linking with yours as he continued walking, “I’ll get you as many as you want, (y/n).”

“And don’t even try to convince me going on any scary rides, I’m not as crazy as you,” you warningly joked, your best friend wearing his happiest smile making you feel just as happy. 

The walk to the fair was nice, the sunset making you feel all warm inside, you and Jeongguk catching up with each other. It reminded you of older days, back then when you’d walk home from school together on a daily. Jeongguk hated growing up just as much as you, the constant stress of university taking its toll on both of you, not even daring to think of working a nine-to-five job in a few years. That was probably one of the reasons why spending time with each other felt therapeutic - because together you could easily go back to the times when things were easy and unproblematic.

The fair was pretty crowded but you still managed to spot Taehyung and his date immediately, both of them waiting for you in front of the big entrance, talking comfortably, already a mulled wine in their hands. 

“They look good together,” Jeongguk whispered as the two of you slowly approached them and you agreed with him. 

“Not like it matters, Taehyung will probably be into someone else next week,” you shrugged.

“I’m not so sure about that,” Jeongguk said, his arm wrapped around your shoulders once again, making sure he doesn’t lose you in the crowd - you wondered if it was just your imagination or if he truly did initiate more skinship than usually, “He seems pretty smitten whenever he talks about her.”

You raised your eyebrows at him, surprised to hear that, “Taehyung’s in love, huh?”

Before Jeongguk could answer, you were interrupted by Taehyung spotting you, screaming your names like a mad man. Gesturing wildly, he told you to come over to him.

“Jeongguk, (y/n),” he hugged the two of you, “May I introduce Aleena to you?”

Aleena seemed like a sweet girl, way shorter than Taehyung but still just as fashionable as him, they looked like they came fresh out of Paris together. She was a bit overwhelmed with the situation, you could read in her expression that she wasn’t quite sure how to greet you so you decided to hug her, making her feel more comfortable immediately.

The four of you talked a bit before you started to walk around the fair - it wasn’t the biggest you’ve ever been to but it had its charm, the smell of popcorn in the air and the many flashing lights making you look around, appreciating the beauty of the view. Within the first minute on the fair, Jeongguk already decided that it was time to eat, pulling you to a small cabin on the side, Taehyung and Aleena following you. 

“Two waffles, please. One with chocolate, the other one with strawberries,” Jeongguk ordered, “Or do you want something different than strawberries?”

You didn’t expect him to actually pay for you but apparently, he was being serious about it, giving him a small nose scrunch, “Strawberries are perfect.”

Handing you your waffle only seconds later, he pinched your cheek, “You’re very easy to please. Your future boyfriend will have it very easy.”

Aleena glanced at you, confusion was written all over her face, “You’re not dating?”

Jeongguk and you let out a laugh, shaking your heads at the same time before he explained it, “No, we’re not dating.”

“Yet,” Taehyung added, “But everyone is rooting for them.”

“And with everyone, he means himself and our other roommate,” Jeongguk mocked Taehyung, playfully hitting the back of his head.

“You’d make a strong couple though,” Aleena grinned as Taehyung agreed with her, happy that they just won another member for their Fanclub.

“I told her too but she didn’t want to hear anything about it,” Jeongguk joked around, remembering you of the conversation you had last weekend, heat immediately rushing to your cheeks again. You really did your best not to think about it over the last week, doing a decent job until now that he mentioned it once again.

His arm was around your shoulder once again, giving you a teasing smile. He really had to stop with the sudden affection, it only made your head spin. The lines between him and you were always clear and you were afraid they’d start to blur if you keep joking around like that. 

Luckily, you weren’t the only one confused, judging by Taehyung’s expression, “What do you mean you told her? What did he say, (y/n)?”

Glaring at Jeongguk, he sneakily looked up to the, by now dark, sky, not answering the question for you even though he was aware of how embarrassed you were. You really didn’t want to think of the conversation and now you had to tell his best friend about it in front of him? 

“He was just joking around,” you explained to his best friend, making a mental note to kill Jeongguk as soon as you were alone for putting you in such an uncomfortable situation. 

“Joking around about what?” Taehyung asked again, wanting to know what happened.

Jeongguk was having way too much fun, taking your hand in his as if it was the most normal thing in the world, putting your linked hands in the pocket of his jeans jacket so you wouldn’t freeze, “Don’t tell him, he’s too nosy.”

Giving up, the four of you were switching to lighter topics, talking to Aleena about her major and how she met Taehyung. You were surprised by how smitten Taehyung seemed to be, a pleasant surprise of course, wondering if he actually liked her for longer than one night.

“Do you want to let go of my hand?” Jeongguk suddenly whispered for only you to hear as Taehyung and Aleena were standing in line a few meters away from you, getting ice cream. 

The way he asked felt a bit awkward and you wondered what was going on inside his head, “No, it’s okay. Just unusual for you.”

Nodding, his glance was avoiding yours, looking at the ice cream truck in front of you, “I just thought if we’d hold hands maybe they’d feel a bit more at ease and Taehyung could try holding hers too, you know?”

Playfully, you poked his side, trying to hide the fact that you almost felt a bit hurt in your pride that Jeongguk just held your hand to make it easier for his friend, “You’re pretty good at holding hands.”

Chuckling, he gave you a small wink, “Thank you, I trained hard. You’re not too bad yourself.”

Your playful banter was interrupted by the voice of a girl, calling Jeongguk’s name. The voice was shrill and loud, startling you.

Both of you looked around to the source of the owner of the voice - it belonged to a girl you’ve never seen before. As she came strutting towards you, Jeongguk let go of your hand, an unreadable expression on his face, you didn’t know if he was nervous or unsettled. 

He gave her a small smile, his hand playing with the nape of his hair, “Hi, Jennifer.”

Within seconds she hugged him, almost pushing you to the side while doing so. You wondered who she was and why you’ve never heard her name before. After she let go of Jeongguk, she looked you up and down, clearly not intending to even say hello to you. Wow, what a charming girl she was.

With her attention back to Jeongguk, she tugged a strand of hair that was hanging in his face behind his ears, chuckling, “Your hair is way too long, I told you to cut it, baby.”

Almost vomiting at the way she pronounced her nickname for him you felt the strong urge to suddenly defense the hairstyle you hated so much in the beginning yourself. Something about her was rubbing you the wrong way, most likely the fact that she seemed a bit too close to Jeongguk for the fact that he never mentioned her before. She was probably one of those girls Jimin told you about when you talked to him last weekend.

“Never, it’s a good look,” he insisted with a smirk and you could feel the awkward tension, almost feeling as if you were interrupting them. Were you the one third-wheeling right now? If so, it felt unfair to you - you were here with Jeongguk, not this random girl that you already disliked so much. God, where was Taehyung when you needed him?

“Are you coming over again tomorrow?” she asked him with an innocent expression on her face, “I miss you.”

Jeongguk shrugged, not comfortable to talk about this with her in front of you, “I haven’t decided on my Saturday plans yet, we maybe wanted to go to the cinema, right (y/n)?”

No, you never talked about this before. The cinema wasn’t mentioned once.

Before you could say a word, Taehyung was behind the two of you, wrapping one arm around each of you, “Right, we’re going to the cinema tomorrow. Who is that, Jeongguk?”

Never before were you as thankful as you were for Taehyung than right now, glad he noticed the strange atmosphere and decided to interfere.

“I’m Jennifer,” she told your friend unbothered before talking to Jeongguk again, “You can always come around after the cinema. The real fun begins at night.”

You wanted to gag at her being so intrusive, wondering what exactly Jeongguk saw in her. Of course, you’d always support him but she looked like trouble, not only for Jeongguk but also for your friendship. She intimidated you, almost feeling as if she wanted to steal Jeongguk from you - not that she could, no one could ever make come between the two of you but you still would prefer if no one even tried. 

You just had a weird feeling about her, something unsettling in your stomach when she talked to him. It made your stomach turn and your ribcage tighten. Jeongguk never made the best decision but something about her bothered you more than the past lovers Jeongguk had.

And right then, it suddenly clicked. Oh god, no. You weren’t jealous, right? No, you couldn’t be. 

Shit, maybe you were. And you wanted to blame Jeongguk for it, his stupid flirting and his sly behavior towards you over the last few weeks. And you also wanted to blame yourself, upset with you, knowing that it was absolutely inappropriate to develop a crush on Jeongguk out of all people.

You were just lonely, you told yourself, taking a deep breath, It’ll pass.

“Jennifer?” Taehyung asked Jeongguk, obviously not liking her neither, and it brought you back to reality, “Weird, you never mentioned that name once.”

You almost felt bad for Jeongguk, sitting between chairs. He didn’t want to be rude towards Jennifer but he knew as good as you and Taehyung that she was being a real bitch right now.

“A gentleman never tells,” Jennifer interjected, playing the same game as Taehyung. Aleena stood beside you by now, scoffing under her breath.

Finally, Jeongguk spoke up, deciding to put an end to the tense situation, “I’ll text you spontaneously, alright?”

Obviously unsatisfied with his short and meaningless empty promise, she gave up and hugged him, not without giving him a kiss on the cheek as she said goodbye and also not missing her chance to glare at you once again.

As soon as she was gone Taehyung hit the back of his head before walking to Aleena, casually linking his hand in hers - at least it was going good for them.

“That hurt,” he yelled at his friend, rubbing the space where he just got hit. 

“That hurt? No, what hurt was the way this girl was trying to mark you as her territory,” Taehyung insisted, shaking his head in disbelief to what he just had to see.

Jeongguk let out a long sigh, nodding in defeat, “I promise she’s usually not that bad. I don’t know what has gotten into her.”

Aleena let out a chuckle, “I think she felt a bit threatened by the pretty girl by your side.”

You didn’t even pay attention to their conversation, trapped inside your own thoughts. Somehow it was hard to swallow the fact that you thought that Jeongguk was flirting with you but then immediately let go of your hand as soon as another girl walks by. Holding his hand felt a bit too natural to you, your hands fitting a bit too well in each others’. And god, you wanted to hold it again.

When the others stopped walking, a worried Jeongguk was already staring at you but you ignored him, inspecting the Ferris wheel in front of you.

“We have to go,” Taehyung insisted, his hand still linked with Aleena’s - it was nice to see his eyes sparkling for once when he was looking at a girl, “It wouldn’t be a real fair date if we didn’t, no matter how cliche it is.”

Aleena let out a sigh, “Taehyung, I’m absolutely afraid of heights.”

Chuckling, he hugged her from the back, “You just say that so I’ll hold you.”

“If I die I will absolutely take you to hell with me,” she warned him, starting to line up for the Ferris wheel. You stood right behind them in line, their backs turned to you.

Jeongguk’s hands found your shoulders so you had no other choice than to look at him, “Will you do me the favor and accompany me?”

“I don’t know, Guk,” you told him, carefully removing his hands from your shoulders and his eyes turned soft as he heard you using your nickname, happy you weren’t mad at him, “Isn’t it a bit awkward? It’s a thing lovers do.”

Giving you a teasing smirked, he shrugged, “Why? Are you afraid I’ll make a move on you?”

Rolling your eyes, you scoffed at his shameless flirting. You know him well enough to be aware of the fact that he was just trying to make you let loose again and it worked but your mind still was preoccupied with the previous encounter.

“Or are you afraid that you can’t control yourself up there, all alone with me?” he added, the playful smirk on his face grew bigger and bigger, more than satisfied when he finally made you laugh even though you hit his chest while doing so.

“You’re terrible,” you glared at him, trying to stay serious but not able to hide the smile sitting in the corner of your mouth, “Now I’m definitely not going.”

He reached out to put his arm around your shoulder for a second but stopped himself, not knowing if you’d be okay with it - he noticed that you were not comfortable, “I can’t believe you’re going to make me go alone. I thought it was you and me against the world.”

“I never said that,” you insisted.

Letting out a scoff, Jeongguk gawked at you with his eyes wide open, “Excuse me, I thought it was our unspoken rule. I can’t believe you’d betray me like that.”

Shrugging, you played along, “All those years spend with you never meant anything to me.”

Holding his hand above his heart, he acted like it was hurting, a small ‘ouch’ escaping his lips. Right before you, it was Taehyung’s and Aleena’s turn to sit down, both of them mustering you with a teasing smile, Taehyung not being able to hide his sneaky comments, “Much fun. Don’t do anything we wouldn’t do.”

Jeongguk sat down in the wagon behind them, stretching out his hand, waiting for you with puppy eyes, “Please, don’t let me ride alone.”

With a long sigh, you took his hand and he rapidly pulled you close to him, making you stumble a bit, falling right into your best friend's arm, sharing an awkward hug - but it made Jeongguk happy so it was alright.

Happily, he wrapped his arm around your waist, holding you close to him. Normally, you’d enjoy the affection but you couldn't stop thinking about how fast he let go of your hand when Jennifer came into the picture and how much you wanted him to hold it again.

Jeongguk wasn’t stupid or blind, he has known you a bit too long to not realize what was bothering you. He also knew that he had to address it as soon as possible because otherwise, you wouldn’t stop thinking about it at all. And he wanted you to stop thinking about it asap because to him, Jennifer meant nothing. And you meant everything.

You felt terrible childish for being so affected by such a small thing. The two of you were friends too long for you to be worried about some random girl he didn’t even think was important enough to mention coming in between you. Scanning the view of the fair as the Ferris wheel slowly moved upwards, your stomach dropped and you knew it was not because you suddenly were afraid of heights.

“(Y/n)?” your best friend asked carefully, his tone sweet.

After you hummed in response, he buried his face in the crook of your neck, feeling shy, “I’m sorry you had to witness that.”

Knowing exactly what he meant but not knowing how to respond, you tried to sound as unbothered as possible, “What do you mean?”

Daring to look at you again, the apologetic expression in his eyes made weak in an instant, “About some girl thinking it would be okay to cut between us like that.”

Shrugging, you played it cool, knowing he wasn’t at fault, “It’s okay, I guess she was just trying to make sure that we’re not getting too close for her liking.”

With furrowed eyebrows, he shook his head, “If she thinks she could get between us she must be a fucking idiot.”

Laughing, you wholeheartedly agreed with him, “She wouldn’t be the first one to try.”

He gave you a nose scrunch before ruffling his hand through your hair - he knew how much you hated it when he did that but he would never stop, enjoying teasing you way too much, “But in the end, it’ll always be you and me wine-drunk on the couch, I promise.”

Pouting at the lovely words you barely hear from your best friend, you rested your head on his shoulder. He gave you a feeling of comfort like you’re home wherever he is - considering the fact that he was the main character in your childhood it was kind of true, all of your memories connected to home were filled with him, “I doubt your future wife will approve.”

You felt his head resting against yours, his voice low, “She can eat shit if she has a problem with it.”

For a second you didn’t say anything, but then you just had to ask him your burning question despite fearing the answer, “Are you and her serious?”

The way he furrowed his eyebrows said it all, “Don’t you think I would’ve told you if I was serious about someone?”

Of course, he had a point but something made you feel unsure - almost insecure. Jeongguk noticed your sudden shift in behavior, the strong urge to calm you down and make you feel better coming over him, “She’s the girl I was at last Friday when you were over. I didn’t really talk to her after that night. And I doubt I will again after tonight.”

That made you feel a bit lighter, thankful you didn’t have to deal with her again. It’s not like you didn’t want Jeongguk to be happy, you did, you just hated the thought of someone by his side that wasn’t good enough for him. It probably wasn’t fair because deep down you knew that no one would ever be good enough for the golden boy in your eyes, no one except for you.

“I can’t believe she was intimidated by someone like me,” you almost scoffed at the thought, making Jeongguk lift his head, “By me of all people.”

Jeongguk eyed you, confusion written all over his face, “Why wouldn’t she be?”

Thinking about it for a second, you shrugged, “Everyone knows we’ve been friends for years. It should be known by now that I’m not a danger to any of your girls.”

Laughing, Jeongguk shook his head in disagreement, “You’re delusional.”

Playfully, you hit his chest, a grin on your face, “Stop being so mean. Why would call me that?”

Your best friend was smiling brightly, eyes skimming over the nice view of the dark city from the top of the Ferris wheel that was currently standing still, “Because it’s true.”

One thing you always loved about Jeongguk was his smile, it sounded so cliche but it was true - to this day he somehow managed to still look like a boy whenever he was smiling, his big bunny teeth shining, the adorable laugh lines you loved so much forming in his labionasal zone and, your favorite thing about it, the smile always reaching his eyes, the wrinkles around them showing.

“Call me delusional one more time and I’ll end this friendship,” you warned him jokingly, the smile on his face only increasing more.

“I’m serious though,” he gestured, the atmosphere lighthearted again, “We talked about this before.”

Kind of being at a loss, you gave him a questioning glance, not catching on.

“Of course, girls will be intimidated by the fact that the person I’m most comfortable around is a girl,” he explained, his eyes not once looking away from yours, “Our campus is small and everyone already thinks we're dating. What do you think why no guy that knows me ever hits on you?”

It kind of made sense, yet once again Jeongguk seemed to be right and you disliked the fact that it was so logical.

He let out a laugh as he saw your mind working, realizing that he got a point, “I thought you were the clever one from us.”

Throwing a death glare at him, you shook your head, “You know literally every single guy on campus. Thanks for being such a cockblock.”

Snickering, he shrugged lightly, “Be happy, if it wasn’t for me you might have ended up on Taehyung’s endless list of random hook-ups.”

The situation between the two of you cooled down fastly again and for the rest of the evening, you could at least forget about your newest realization - at least until the two of you were standing in front of your door and the hug he gave you just felt a bit too good in your opinion. You suddenly started to hate how much he acted like a boyfriend towards you, knowing he had always been like this around you, twelve years of friendship and he always insisted on taking you home but now, that you might have started to like him it felt a bit overwhelming.

As you were in bed, trying to fall asleep you couldn’t stop picturing his stupid, proud grin as he won you a Minion plush, knowing you’d absolutely hate it, his fragrance in your nose, the way his hug felt so warm and comfortable still making you feel dense - this was getting out of hand.

You remember telling Irene that you would only drink one or two beers and nothing more and Irene agreeing with you, just wanting a girls night out again. All of this was not part of the plan - you didn’t plan to get completely wasted to a point where even holding up your own head was a challenge. 

But still, there you were, in the dorm of Irene’s boyfriend, sitting on the kitchen table with your head in your hands. It’s not like you didn’t have fun, if you were honest you might have had a bit too much fun - it was hard for you to catch a clear thought, a thousand different ones swimming around in your head. You remembered that you had to call Namjoon in the morning to tell him something but you couldn’t grasp what exactly you wanted to tell him. You thought about your last exam next week, feeling bad because you should be learning instead of trying to sober up in someone’s kitchen. 

Another thought came to your mind, making you feel like throwing up - Jeongguk. Even now when you were drunk you tried to tell yourself that you were overthinking the whole flirting going on between the two of you, blaming yourself for being too careless with your friendship.

“Hey, (y/n), are you okay?” you heard a sweet voice and were sure that you knew the voice from somewhere but couldn’t identify it, too lazy and tired to open your eyes to check who was in front of you.

“I’m alright, I guess,” you answered sloppily, forcing yourself to open one eye to see no one else than Jeongguk’s roommate Jimin in front of you, a big grin on his face - he tried hard not to laugh at your clearly fucked-up state.

“You don’t seem alright,” he laughed, sitting down on the kitchen table right next to you, his arm wrapping around your waist to support you, “Just how much did you drink?”

“Obviously too much,” you scoffed at his stupid question, making him laugh once again.

“Still as snappy as always,” he nagged you, putting your arm around his shoulder, trying to make you stand up, “Good to know you’re still the same, even completely wasted.”

“What are we doing, Jimin?” you asked him, your eyes falling shut again.

Forcing yourself to follow Jimin, you were now standing, pretty sure that if Jimin would stop supporting you you’d fall, “I’m bringing you to our dorm.”

“Why?” you glared at him, not liking the idea of leaving already, “I’m fine, I just need to sober up a bit, I promise.”

“Jeongguk will kill me if I leave you here in your current state,” Jimin insisted lovingly but stern enough to leave no room for discussions.

You rolled your eyes at the mention of your best friends’ name, not wanting to think about him, “Jeongguk can kiss my ass.”

“I’m sure he’d love that,” Jimin replied to your comment and deep inside you were thankful for him taking care of you. Usually, you could hold your liquor way better, so you had no idea why you were so out of it tonight, barely noticing anything around you.

As Jimin was carrying you inside of his dorm, Jeongguk was just stepping out of the shower and judging by the fact that it was in the middle of the night, Jimin was sure he had someone over earlier. 

“How was the party?” he heard his friend screaming from the bathroom as he sat you down on the couch. You already fell asleep in his arms - as soon as you knew you were getting home safe you started to feel tired, asking Jimin if it was okay if you closed your eyes and he let you sleep, giving you a piggyback ride back to the dorm.

“It was fine,” he answered unbothered, trying to untie your shoes as Jeongguk walked into the living room.

“Did you bring someone home?” he asked in a celebrating tone, no idea yet who the girl on his couch was.

As he came over to his friend and saw your face his jaw dropped slightly, trying to put one and one together.

“What’s going on?” he asked his friend, his voice stern, “Why were you with (y/n)?”

As if Jeongguk wasn’t upset enough already to see Jimin bring you home, completely passed out, Taehyung came out of his room, curious to what was going on.

Jimin scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief, “I was just taking care of your drunk best friend, you’re welcome.”

Rolling his eyes, Jeongguk bit his lip, “I’m sorry, it’s just,” he started, looking at your figure on his couch for a second - he hated seeing you like this, “Nothing happened between you, right?”

Jimin’s eyes widened, trying not to laugh at the question he was just asked, “You think I’d make out with your girl? Seriously?”

Jeongguk threw his hands in the air, offended, “She’s not my girl.”

Both of them were distracted when they heard Taehyung facepalming himself from behind them, “Jeongguk, let’s go to the kitchen and sit down.”

Jimin and Jeongguk gave each other a questioning glance, wondering what Taehyung wanted but followed him wordlessly. 

Taehyung let out a deep and long sigh, rubbing his temple as he stared at Jeongguk who was now sitting opposite from him.

“What’s bothering you?” Jeongguk asked his closest friend, confusion written all over his face. What could be so important at three in the morning that couldn’t wait until the next day?

Scoffing, Taehyung shook his head in disbelief, “Are you completely blind?”

Still not being able to follow, Jeongguk started to get defensive, crossing his arms in front of his chest, “Can you just tell me already?”

“You’re standing here in our living room, obviously upset at the thought of Jimin and (y/n) getting it on and then have the nerve to act like you’re not completely smitten for her?”

The confusion in Jeongguk’s face vanished within a second, being replaced by annoyance, “I’m not going through this with you again, Taehyung. We’ve been friends for twelve years. How often do I have to repeat that for you?”

Now, Jimin started to get involved in the discussion, taking Taehyung’s side, much to Jeongguk’s dislike, “Friends can fall in love too, you know that.”

Giving Jimin a pleading glance, as if he was begging him to take his side just for once, Jeongguk pouted, “Not her and me. It can’t happen to us.”

Taehyung was still busy rubbing his temples as if his friend was giving him the biggest headache he ever experienced, “It can and it is happening to you, please stop acting like it’s not. Guk, I see the eyes you’re making at her wherever we are.”

“And not to be like that, but that girl you’re seeing looks suspiciously similar to (y/n),” Jimin threw into the conversation and deep down Jeongguk knew he was right, he realized certain similarities between you and her too.

But Jeongguk decided to stay stubborn, afraid of his own feelings, “The thought of Jimin and (y/n) just upset me because I don’t want things to be awkward when she comes over if it wouldn’t work out.”

Neither Taehyung nor Jimin believed him for a second, “So, you’re saying if Jimin and (y/n) would be a real couple, you wouldn’t mind?”

Shrugging, he scoffed, not wanting to think about those kind of scenarios at all. It would simply be weird for his friends to date, not because he had feelings for you or anything, it just wouldn’t fit, “If he makes her happy, why not?”

Taehyung’s hand run through his hair, having to collect everything in him to not rip it out then and there. How could someone be so damn stubborn? He loved Jeongguk to death but if this boy didn’t realize he was in love sooner or later he couldn’t promise not to hurt him, “Because you have feelings for her, you absolute idiot.”

“So, what if I do?” Jeongguk’s voice suddenly became louder, not having Taehyung’s behavior anymore and Taehyung felt relieved, finally having him where he wanted, out of his constant denial, “Do you think I’d just risk my longest and closest friendship because of some stupid feelings?”

Anxious, Jeongguk looked over his shoulder to see if you were still asleep, afraid that you could hear his emotional outburst, his voice becoming quieter, “It’ll pass. Sooner or later.”

His best friend’s hand found his shoulder, squeezing it lightly, “Just don’t regret not confronting her about it someday.”

Calming down again, Jeongguk furrowed his eyebrows, “What do you mean? Why would I regret it?”

Then, Taehyung spoke the words out loud that Jeongguk was too afraid to think, “What if it doesn’t pass?”

Not wanting to deal with this idea, Jeongguk stood up from the table, excusing himself, “I’m absolutely not ready to think about that, please understand.”

Walking over to where you were sleeping, he studied you for a few seconds, a sudden wave of anxiety rushing over him. This needed to pass - he already flirted with you too much, already gave you too many hints, if you wanted him too, you would’ve reacted differently, right?

How frustrating it was for him, out of all the people his dumb self had to fall for the only person he shouldn’t be in love with. But Taehyung was right, he could deny it as much as he wanted, it was still true. And how couldn’t he fall for you, with a face like that and a personality that no one could ever compare to? 

He had to force himself to stop staring at you before he did something stupid like trying to kiss you - you looked so peaceful, the thought of not having you around hurt his heart. 

That night, Jeongguk fell asleep with you on his mind, not able to fight the feelings any longer, no idea that a few nights ago you were in your bed, dealing with the same problem.

Jeongguk got it bad for you and he hated himself for it, feeling like a complete idiot to bring feelings into this friendship.

When you woke up your head was spinning and your mouth was dry. It took you a second to come to your senses, forcing yourself to sit up on the couch you slowly recognized. Why were you at Jeongguk’s place? You don’t remember seeing him yesterday. 

Studying the room in need of anything that would make you remember last night's events a smile found its way to your face as you saw the bottle of water and aspirin on the table beside the couch, right next to it a little note.

‘Good morning you drunkard. This is for you. God knows you need it.’

Thankful for Jeongguk taking care of you, you fastly took the pill and downed the water in one go, your body feeling at least a little bit better.

The clock on the wall said it was currently ten in the morning and you wondered where everyone was - you doubt the boys would be out early on a Sunday morning.

And just as you wanted to get up and search for your best friend, he came walking right through the door, looking comfortable in his sweatpants and thick hoodie. 

“(Y/n), you were great last night,” he smirked at you as he let himself fall right to the space beside you.

“Shut up, you idiot,” you laughed at his attempt of trying to fool you.

Gasping a bit, he glanced at you with wide eyes, “You don’t remember? I had no idea you were into that stuff, I’m glad I found out though.”

There was no way he was being serious right? You cursed yourself for not being able to remember anything from last night. Normally, you wouldn’t believe Jeongguk a single word but he sounded convincing and god knows what your drunk ass did, now that you started to look at Jeongguk in another way than before.

Your stomach was turning, not wanting to believe him, “Stop fucking with me. I’m too hungover for your teasing.”

He rubbed his temples, his eyebrows furrowing, “I’m sorry to tell you but I’m serious. I didn’t know you had an underboob tattoo, when did you get that?”

If you didn’t feel sick before, you definitely did now. Running your hands through your hair you wanted to rip them out, “Don’t tell me we had sex with each other, Jeongguk. Please.”

“I can’t believe you can’t remember,” Jeongguk shook his head before a sly smile crept onto his lips, “Should I refresh your memory?”

Whining, your leg kicked him away from you, “You little shit, stop it right now and tell me you’re just kidding.”

Finally letting out the laugh he tried to hide the whole time, he rubbed the spot you just kicked him, “Do you think I’d fuck you when you’re that wasted and then let you sleep on the couch?”

You let out a relieved sigh, ready to murder your best friend, “You almost gave me a heart attack.”

Jeongguk was enjoying the whole situation a bit too much for your liking, his grin glued to his face, “I’m a bit offended you think having sex with me would be that terrible.”

Your glare left him unbothered, “How do you know about my tattoo?”

In an instant, his ears turned red, “You were too drunk to change so I helped you.”

Until then you didn’t even realize that you indeed were wearing clothes that didn’t belong to you, the thought of Jeongguk seeing you almost naked making you feel embarrassed in an instant.

“I didn’t try anything, did I?” you carefully asked, fearing the answer.

He shook his head heavily, “No, no, don’t worry. You passed out as soon as Jimin brought you home.”

Jimin? That piece of information was new to you, your eyes widening in an instant again, “There was nothing between us, right?”

Chuckling at how panicked you were, Jeongguk immediately calmed you down, telling you that you should stop worrying, “He’d be dead by now if he tried anything.”

With squinted eyes, you glanced at him, “You’re acting like an overprotective brother.”

“More like a boyfriend, if you ask me,” you heard Jimin’s angelic voice from behind you, turning around to see him standing in the door, “Glad to see you’re still alive.”

Chuckling, you nodded, “Glad to see that you’re still alive too and Jeongguk didn’t kill you.”

Shrugging, a teasing smile directed towards Jeongguk was plastered on his face, “It’s not like he didn’t want to as he saw me bringing you home.”

Playfully, you poked his side, “Jealous, Jeongguk?”

Jeongguk’s face turned red, not liking the situation at all, afraid that Jimin would say anything you weren’t supposed to know, “Just be quiet and get ready, I’m taking you out to breakfast.”

Not able to hide a last teasing comment, Jimin poured himself some coffee in the kitchen, “Sounds like a date to me.”

You certainly wouldn’t mind a date with Jeongguk. What you didn’t know is that neither would he.

Were you in the mood to go to this stupid party? No. Was this reason enough to convince Namjoon to not go and just stay home instead? Absolutely not.

You were honestly still trying to recover from your hangover from last weekend, not ready to even smell alcohol again but you knew you had no choice. 

The only good thing about all of this was that you could finally see your best friend again tonight. The week was busy and even though you talked on the phone a lot you didn’t manage to meet, despite telling each other that you missed being together every single day.

It might be delusional of you but you felt like Jeongguk’s behavior towards you changed since last weekend. Of course, you might just misinterpret the situation but somehow he seemed to be more clingy, maybe even a bit more affectionate. Not that you were complaining.

“No way,” Namjoon shook his head heavily as you asked him to just turn around even though you were already in front of the big entrance to the house the party was going on in, “We’re going, it’s the last big party this term and attending it is mandatory.”

The sky only turned dark about twenty minutes ago and somehow, the whole garden already was full of red cups and people making out in the corners. How cliche.

As you entered the door, the hallway was already filled with tons of people, most of them you’ve never seen before - if you were honest, you weren’t even sure who this house belonged to and you preferred smaller gatherings with close friends to get drunk but if it made Namjoon happy, you’d certainly try your best fo have fun.

“You know how we’re going to do it, right?” Namjoon asked you for the hundredth time today, “As soon as we see Lia you call her over, start a conversation and then leave us alone because you have to look for Jeongguk.”

Amused, you nodded, “Namjoon, we’ve gone over this so often, I probably will remember the plan until the day I die.”

He chuckled, a bit too excited, “I’m just nervous.”

It warmed your heart to see him so giddy, if anyone of your friends deserved to fall in love it was Namjoon, “I’m pretty sure she likes you too. I see the way she eyes you in class. I’ll include this little story in my speech at your wedding.”

“Kim Lia,” he thought about it for a small second, “Sounds good to me.”

The two of you were on your way to the kitchen, both needing booze to get into the right mood - and luckily, the kitchen was way less crowded than the living room that was currently used as the main floor.

“What about you, though, Jeon (y/n). Like the sound of it?”

Scoffing loudly, you poured some liquor into one of the red cups, “Don’t even make me think about it, it’ll only complicate things.”

“The only thing complicating anything is the two of you not wanting to admit you have the hots for each other,” Namjoon kept bugging you with this topic for weeks now - just like everyone around you, “Everyone notices it except for you.”

“Stop it,” you almost yelled at him, knowing he won’t shut up about it, “Do you want me to help you with Lia or not?”

Immediately shutting up, he gave you an innocent smile and filled his cup up too, clinking it with yours, “Cheers.”

After fastly downing your first mixture of Whiskey and Coke, you filled your cup up again, ready to go into the battlefield of a dancefloor in the living room, on a mission to get Namjoon laid. 

The two of you were still too sober, compared to the other people dancing around you but it wasn’t awkward at all - you enjoyed Namjoon’s company, always. You were more worried about the time you had to leave his side because he needed some alone time with his crush. 

You caught yourself looking around for Jeongguk, your eyes scanning the whole room and your search didn’t go unnoticed, Namjoon giving you a skeptic glance before coming down to your ear, his voice almost screaming because otherwise, you wouldn’t be able to understand him over the loud music, “We all know who I’m looking for but I bet you’re looking for a man with long hair with a charming aura and dreamy eyes?”

Rolling your eyes you hated how accurate that was, “I’m not in love with him, Namjoon.”

The expression on his face showed that he wasn’t believing you for a single second, “I talked to Taehyung last week. He said that Jeongguk is just as desperately in love with you, so just go for it.”

Butterflies came flying to your stomach and you wanted to kill each and every one of them, still not used to the fact that you saw Jeongguk as more than a friend. You weren’t denying it anymore, at least not to yourself, but that didn’t change the fact that you disliked it so much. 

You disliked nothing more than how much you wanted Jeongguk to hold you, kiss you, like you back. Actually, there was one thing you disliked even more: the fact, that you weren’t sure if Jeongguk thought similar of you or not, his mixed signals making you go insane slowly.

“What do you mean, you and Taehyung talked about it?” you asked him sharply, not believing the betrayal.

Your friend put his hands in the air, pleading not guilty, “He came to me and asked about your thoughts on Jeongguk.”

Throwing your head back in frustration, you whined, “And let me guess, you told Tae that I like Jeongguk?”

Amused at your misery, he let out a laugh, “Of course, I would never lie to someone, you know that.”

“I’m going to murder you, Kim Namjoon,” you warned him through gritted teeth but before you could actually act on your anger, his eyes grew wide.

“Lia, she’s coming towards us,” he sounded like he was about to faint and you told him to breathe, deciding that you could still kill him later.

It took only about three minutes until you were unnecessary to the conversation, excusing yourself to leave and barely getting a response because Namjoon and Lia were so immersed in their conversation, they almost didn’t notice you were saying something. Good for them.

But where were you supposed to go now? You studied the room, hoping to find anyone you could cling on, preferably Jeongguk or Irene but neither of them were around. 

A few seconds later, you found your second-best option: Taehyung, Aleena and Jimin, standing on a tall table, a bottle of booze in the middle. They welcomed you with big hugs and your mood lifted in an instant. It was nice seeing Taehyung and Aleena were still together, all the other girls around probably disappointed that they weren’t the ones who were able to tame Taehyung.

“Looking stunning as always,” Jimin gave you a small wink as he eyes you from up and down, the harmless compliment boosting your ego immediately.

Taehyung let out a sigh, joking as he hugged you, “Stop flirting with your mate’s girl, Jimin. We’ve been over this.” 

“Not flirting,” Jimin chuckled.

“Also, not your mate’s girl,” you replied to Taehyung’s comment.

Filling your empty cup with booze for you, he shook his head, “How is living in delulu-land going for you?”

Deciding to ignore Taehyung’s snarky remark, you thanked him for the drink and downed it with them, ready to have a fun night. Maybe Namjoon was right and the evening was not going to be as bad as you thought it would be.

Still, there was one burning question in the back of your mind, “Where is Jeongguk by the way? Isn’t he here yet?”

Jimin and Taehyung gave each other a short glance, you were not able to read it but they were definitely communicating with their eyes before Jimin answered you, “We came together but lost him on the way.”

Deciding, not to be too nosy about it you accepted their answer without questioning it, “You’ll have to deal with me then until he finds me, I’m sorry.”

Luckily they didn’t seem to mind. It was nice to know that Jeongguk’s friends were so welcoming and warm towards you, almost as if you have been in their friend group since forever. 

It didn’t take long for Aleena and you to bond over the girl you both hate and share a class with, happy to hear that you weren’t the only one who disliked her.

“She’s not all that bad,” Jimin dared to interrupt your gossip, only to gain a disapproving glance form Aleena.

“You just want to get into her pants,” Taehyung argued, “Even I agree that she’s kind of annoying.”

Aleena high-fived her boyfriend, making Jimin roll his eyes.

“You’re just taking your girlfriend’s side,” Jimin teased his friend lovingly, “You were so much more fun when you were still single.”

But you didn’t pay attention to their bickering anymore, not being able to focus on anything, busy feeling your heart break into pieces slowly and painfully as your eyes found Jeongguk on the other side of the room.

Your breathing became heavy and standing was difficult because of how dizzy you felt, your stomach turning around, leaving you feel like you were about to puke from the sight you were currently eyeing. This couldn’t be true. But no matter how often you blinked, as soon as you opened your eyes you saw the same sight again and again.

Time was passing slower, almost in slow-motion as you noticed Jeongguk walking inside, his hair all over the place, fingers busy fumbling on the upper button of the white button-up he was wearing. He looked as handsome as ever but sweaty, no one else but the girl you met at the fair walking inside behind him, you didn’t even want to think of her name. 

Your heart sting as you thought back to the night you met her, remembering Jeongguk’s words, telling you not to worry about her. 

You tried to concentrate on yourself, your hands were shaking, not sure if it was because of the anger or sadness building up inside of you, probably a mixture of both, your legs feeling wobblier by each second. You felt weak. You felt tired. 

And that is why you don’t fall in love with your best friend - to protect yourself from that exact feeling.

If you could, you would vanish right now, not wanting to exist anymore to avoid feeling like this, not sure if anything ever hurt you the way this sight did right now. You felt stupid, a wave of self-hate coming over you for being so naive to even think that a small part of him could like you back. 

The two of you were friends, nothing more. It was always like that, why would it change suddenly?

In that moment, you didn’t notice anything around you, everything else irrelevant, almost as if time stopped completely - gulping, you realized that you and Jeongguk could never go back to what you used to have because you were stupid enough to bring feelings into this.

Just as you thought it couldn’t get worse his eyes met yours, already starring at him and you were sure your eyes were filled with pain. He noticed immediately, his expression almost pleading you to let him explain, pain was written all over his features - as soon as he spotted you he seemed sorrowful, gloomy, even worried but you were sure in comparison to you, he still would look happy.

He knew what was going on.

The longer your eyes focused on each other, the more uncomfortable you felt - but you couldn’t bring yourself to look away, the thoughts of what had just happened between them haunting you. Even if you knew he did nothing wrong, he wasn’t yours after all, you wanted to cry as soon as the thought filled up your mind.

Someone’s hands held your shoulders, making you snap back to reality as you realized that Jimin tried to make you look away, the torture on your face not going by unnoticed by him.

Not able to say what you were thinking, Taehyung got a hang of what was going on, spotting Jeongguk on the other side of the room, Jennifer right by his side, also slowly understanding what, or better said who, Jeongguk was starring at, rolling her eyes in annoyance.

“This asshole,” you heard Taehyung mumble under his breath, thankful for hearing him say that, “I’ll kill him.”

It felt like you were glued to the floor, not able to say anything because tears were building in your eyes, making you feel even more pathetic. But as soon as you saw Jeongguk strutting towards you, his pained expression becoming more intense by each second you knew you had to act quick.

You had two options: Staying right where you are and risking crying in front of everyone or fleeing to cry in peace on the toilet. You glanced at Taehyung, panic in your eyes as you decided to go with the second option, “Please, stop him from coming after me, I need a second.”

And with that you were turning around, fast pace towards the nearest restroom you could find, locking the door behind you. 

Breathing in, breathing out. And in, and out again. Repeating this over and over until you calmed down, proud of yourself for not crying.

Jeongguk didn’t owe you anything, he did nothing wrong, he only playfully flirted with you every now and then, platonic and you let it get to your head. He could sleep with whoever he wanted. It was not worth ruining your friendship.

You tried to tell yourself those facts over and over again until you started to actually believe them. Knowing that Taehyung could only keep him away from you for so long, you felt pressured to pull yourself together. What were you even supposed to say once Jeongguk found you? He had no idea that you liked him and now was certainly not the time to tell him. 

The first knock on the bathroom door made you freeze in your spot. Another deep breath, calming yourself down a bit.

“Please, let me in,” the voice of your best friend sounded desperate over the muffled music you could hear blasting from the living room.

Knowing, it would be stupid to ignore him because in the end, you had to open the door for him sooner and later and it would only get more awkward the longer you waited, you opened it for him, a relieved sigh escaping his mouth as soon as he saw you.

In a rush, he came in and closed the door behind you - he still was worried, his wrinkled forehead giving him away. Standing right before you, he held your arms in his hands, making you look at him, “I know this sounds like such a douchebag sentence but you have to believe me, it’s not what it looks like and I can explain.”

“You don’t have to explain anything to me, Guk,” your voice luckily didn’t betray you and you were impressed with how cool you sounded, as if you didn’t just almost lost your mind. But you meant it, it was the truth - he didn’t have to explain it to you, “you literally don’t owe me anything, don’t worry.”

Biting his lip, he shook his head, “I owe you everything and I am worrying.”

His eyes were starring into yours as if he was searching for something in them and before you knew what was happening, he wrapped his arms around you, embracing you tightly. His hands pressed your head against his chest, lightly caressing your hair, “Can we please go to my dorm?”

“Why?” you asked quietly, not knowing what exactly was going on. Jeongguk’s reaction to your reaction confused you even more and you wondered just how weird this evening could possibly get.

“Please,” he just whispered, begging you to come with him - so you agreed and without exchanging another word, the two of you were on your way out, ignoring everyone else as you were leaving.

“Don’t you want to say goodbye?” you asked him carefully, almost afraid of the way he was rushing you. What in the world was going on?

Shaking his head once again, he handed you his jacket as soon as you were stepping outside, telling you to wear it even though his dorm luckily was only a five-minute walk away, “It’s okay, I’ll see them at home later.”

Not able to keep up with his fast steps, you held onto his arm to slow him down and he immediately walked slower, letting you keep up with him.

“We didn’t have sex,” he blurted out, the whole situation seemingly stressing him out even more than you. Under any other circumstances, you probably would’ve chuckled at his nervousness but you still felt too tense, your heart heavy as if it could just fall out any second.

Gulping, your eyes were glued to the stars in the sky, afraid to look into his eyes, “It wouldn’t have been the first time, it’s alright.”

It didn’t feel alright to you but it had to be.

“It wouldn’t be alright,” he insisted and you were too tired to think about how exactly he meant that, just wanting this day to be over, “I wanted to talk to her to end things, ask Taehyung, I told him about ending it today. But then she tried to change my mind and started to touch me, that’s why my hair looked like that and she tried to undress me but I told her I’m not interested in her.”

If it was any other guy you probably would think he was just lying, the typical excuses coming out of his mind - but he wasn’t any guy. He was your best friend and you were certain he never lied to you before, except last weekend when he tried to convince you you had sex, and even if he tried to you’d look right through it.

The two of you were standing in front of his dorm now as he was opening the front door for you, “Can you trust me?”

God, if you’d ever tell someone this story they’d think you’re the most naive girl walking on this earth but the man next to you wasn’t only your crush, no, he was also by your side since your childhood days so how couldn’t you trust him.

“I’ll always trust you,” you sighed, “But why are you telling me all this?”

Jeongguk turned on the lights in his living room, mustering you - he seemed to be a bit more relaxed by now, his eyes still burning with questions and a certain neediness but way less pained. As you noticed the deep breath he was taking, you decided to the same.

“Go to my room, okay?” he asked you, chewing on the inside of his cheek, another typical sign of nervousness for him, “I need to call Taehyung, they are probably searching for us. But I’ll be right back and talk to you, promise.” 

Doing as you were told, you walked over to his room, feeling surprisingly fine. You finally had a free minute to think about the overwhelming events of the last thirty minutes - almost embarrassed at how you jumped to conclusions when you saw Jeongguk and Jennifer, you were still relieved that they didn’t have sex. It didn’t matter if he didn’t feel the same way as you did but at least he wasn’t serious about that terrible girl.

What you were still feeling uneasy about though was the weird behavior of your best friend.

It only took him about half a minute until he entered his room, his ears red once again, showing you that he was struggling with his shyness.

“You noticed it too, right?” Jeongguk confronted you as soon as he looked at you, biting his lips, his handsome face full of worries once again. 

Afraid that you might misunderstand the situation, you gulped, “Can you be a bit more specific?”

Your best friend inhaled sharply, rubbing his hands over his face, his whole body tensing. He needed a moment to clear his thoughts, afraid to say the wrong thing but you were willing to give him all the time he needed. 

If this conversation was going to way you thought it was, he had every reason to be nervous, your ribcage felt tight and as if it could rip any second so you could only imagine what your best friend felt like right now, being the one addressing the whole situation. But then, on the other hand, judging your reaction earlier it wasn’t too hard to notice that you had feelings for him.

“There’s a difference in how we act around each other, right?” your best friend finally said, choosing his words very carefully on purpose so he could always play it cool if you rejected him. His ears were red and in any other situation you’d nag him about it but you knew it was inappropriate right now, “The way we talk and the way we touch each other. Even the way we look at each other. Is that just me?”

His last question was filled with sorrow, almost pain even. Jeongguk hated the thought of fucking up your friendship just as much as you, so for him to finally address the tension between you was very brave of him, something you wouldn’t have dared.

The whole situation felt awkward, you wanted it to be over as soon as possible, afraid that saying one wrong thing might end your friendship forever - you were aware that nothing would break your friendship that easily but just the thought of romantic feelings between the two of you was making you anxious. You liked Jeongguk, you wanted to be around him more than usual, you found yourself staring at his lips and his arms and think of him differently - all the signs were clear, you were falling for your best friend, no matter how often you told yourself you were not and you were just lonely. 

You liked Jeongguk - and apparently, he was going through something similar with you too.

“It’s not just you,” you finally manage to answer his question, your voice sounding weak and almost not like yours, “I noticed it too.”

The man on the bed beside you shifted his glance from his feet right to your face after hearing your words, his cheeks red and you were sure so were yours. 

"Thank god,” he mumbled under his breath, relaxing immediately, “I’m going to say something now and it might sound insane but I have to tell you.”

Nodding, your heart beat unbelievably fast, hoping to hear the words you wanted to hear so badly out of his mouth.

“I don’t give a fuck about Jennifer,” he started, the mention of her name making you feel bitter for a short second, “I don’t like her. I like you. It’s bad and stupid but I do.”

You couldn’t help but let out a breathy chuckle, beyond excited to finally know about the feelings of the man standing in front of you, “It is bad and stupid. But I feel the same.”

He let out a scoff as if he couldn’t believe you were having such a conversation, shaking his head a bit confused, “This feels so awkward.”

You chuckled, thankful that he put your feelings into words, “I guess that is what happens when friends suddenly get caught up in another.”

He let himself fall backward, right onto his bed, staring at his ceiling. His hand ran through his hair as he let out the hundredth sigh for today, “I can’t believe we like each other.”

You threw him a glare, rolling your eyes before sarcastically adding, “Don’t be too happy about it.”

A pout formed on his lips, trying to look cute, “That’s not how I meant it, you know that.”

“Well, how did you mean it then?” you asked, a bit hurt at his frustration. It’s not like you thought it was ideal that you two fancied each other but it also wasn’t the worst thing that could’ve happened.

Your best friend moved his hand towards your wrist, as if he wanted to grab it but then stopped himself - only to then grab it nevertheless, pulling you to lay down beside him carefully.

There you were, next to your best friend, figuring out how to go on from here. Your face was turned to look into his, his hand still holding onto your wrist. His hair was messy, hanging in front of his eyes. No question, you preferred this tension over the one that was still hanging in the air about half an hour ago and you couldn’t be more thrilled to finally have him next to you, knowing that your feelings weren’t just one-sided but you never thought about how awkward it would be to finally shift from platonic to actually romantic.

“What do we do now?” he asked, biting his lip but then giving you a helpless laugh, “I’m sorry, I’m nervous about all of this.”

It was at least nice that the two of you could talk openly, even though it was a very weird and unfamiliar situation to both of you, at least you could be honest with each other, not afraid of showing your true feelings.

“How much do you like me?” you asked him, trying to decide on where to go from here. It was such an uncomfortable question to answer but you needed to know, not sure how exactly he felt about you.

He let out a breathy laugh, a shy smirk on his face, “I’ll get flustered talking about it.”

His smile immediately made you relax, smiling back at him, “I’m just trying to figure out if we should act on all of this or just try to ignore it, hoping it’ll go away.”

Jeongguk closed his eyes, not daring to look at you while confessing what he thought, his voice nothing more than a mumble, “I think it’s a bit too much for me to just ignore it. Let’s just say in my head we already told our parents about us.”

Chuckling, the sudden rush of wanting to kiss him overcame you but you stopped yourself - you knew how terrible he was at talking about his feelings, so him saying this must be a big step for him. To reassure him that he had nothing to worry about, you freed your wrist from his grip to interlock your finger with his.

“But if you want to just stay friends I’ll obviously be fine with it, our friendship is way more important than anything and if you feel-”, Jeongguk started to ramble, the pace of his talking become faster by ever word.

“No, that’s not it,” you interrupted him, trying to explain what worried you, “I’m just afraid to lose you.”

Nodding, his thumb drew small circles on the back of your hand, “Do you think I’m not? That’s the risky part about all of this.”

“I tried to trick myself into thinking we’re just friends but I truly want you, Guk,” the words felt risky as they left your lips as if he didn’t just admit he liked you too, the ball in his court now again.

“Good,” his eyes were sparkling and his leg intertwined with yours, his touch burning on you skin, “I don’t think I could go back to being just friends. I will always see you as something more.”

You wanted to hear those words over and over again, hard to believe the unbelievable outcome of this messy night.

“Can you picture that?” you asked him, “You and I, together.”

Jeongguk nodded immediately, not even needing a second to think about your question, “I told you before, I think we could be a strong couple. The possibility was always there.”

“So, it’s settled?” 

He let out a laugh, nodding again, “Do you wanna shake hands to seal the deal or what do we do now?”

Joining his laughter, you shook your head in amusement, “We suck at this.”

“I promise we’ll get better at this over time,” Jeongguk was glowing now, happy, his aura as positive as always. He opened his arms, reaching for your body, giving you a small smirk, “Should we try cuddling?”

You almost snorted at the awkward proposal but didn’t have to let him ask you twice so within seconds your head was resting on his chest, his arms wrapped around you tightly. His heartbeat was surprisingly fast, thank god you weren’t the only one nervous about all of this.

He smelled as amazing as ever and the dim lights in his room were making you feel like you were in heaven even though the whole situation was still feeling a bit odd. You loved the way his arms felt wrapped around you though, definitely wanting to get used to that feeling.

“This is so weird,” you laughed into his chest and you could feel it vibrating when he joined your laughter, “but I like it.”

“Me too,” his voice was soft now, a bit more confident as he carefully played with your hair. It was helpful that you weren’t looking at each other right now, you were sure you’d be as red as a tomato if you had to face him.

For a second, the two of you were just laying there, enjoying each other’s presence in silence, too anxious to say something. It wasn’t as awkward anymore even though you were afraid to move - as soon as you would only a muscle he’d react to it for sure.

But luckily, he moved first, sitting up on his bed and glancing at you, a helpless expression on his face, “I have a suggestion to make.”

“I’m listening,” you reassured him, still lying in his bed, too comfortable to get up as the exhaustion from earlier was brushing off on you.

“I’ll fix us something to eat while you search through Netflix,” he started, waiting for an answer before he continued.

“So far so good,” you gave him two thumbs up, ready to here the rest of suggestion.

“We could try to perfect this whole cuddling thing too if you want to,” he then suggested shyly.

Chuckling at how cute he was, you nodded, “God knows we need some more practice.”

“And as soon as you’re comfortable enough, we could try to talk about all of this,” he gestured between the two of you, “I know it’s weird but I really want to work this out.”

Sitting up and grabbing his remote from the nightstand, you agreed with him, “We’re on the same page, I promise.”

Hearing that from you was enough to boost his confidence a bit, knowing that the awkward tension between you would vanish in no time, once you figured out all the smaller details. 

You watched him as he was walking towards his door, admiring him in a whole new way - Jeongguk was handsome, an impressive body and a face straight from heaven. Of course, you knew all of that before but now that you could finally let those thoughts into your head without feeling weird about them you realized just how much you liked him. You think that those feelings for him might have developed a long time ago, you just never dared to pay attention to them before.

A rush of excitement came over you, looking forward to the new route ahead of the two of you - you’d figure all of this out, you two always did. All the new things you could explore together, as a couple - you couldn’t wait.

Just as he was about to open the door to take care of the food he turned around again, “Do you maybe want some clothes?”

You almost forgot that you were still in your dress, suddenly realizing how uncomfortable it was. 

“Not like I mind having you in my bed in such a pretty dress but it looks pretty uncomfortable,” he explained before you could say anything, a smirk appearing on his lips, “And I bet you’d look good in my clothes.”

“You’re shamelessly flirting, Jeongguk,” you shouted out, both, amused and flustered by his not so subtle attempt.

Defensive, he threw his hands up in the air, “Hey, that’s just what lovers do.”

Lovers. How nice this word sounded when it came out of the right person’s mouth. Before you could agree or deny, he was already rummaging through his wardrobe, searching for clothes you could wear. 

Not even ten minutes later you were back in Jeongguk’s bed, wearing a white oversized shirt and blue boxer shorts with little Maki’s printed on them, your hair in a messy bun while you were scrolling through Netflix, cuddled under Guk’s blanket.

Studying his room, you realized that you barely ever spent time in it, something that was about to change. Usually, the two of you would always chill in the living room because it was bigger, so his room was pretty uncommon to you. It was a bit messy, just like his room back home, except for his desk that was filled with the most expensive gaming utensils, glowing in all possible imaginary LED colors that existed.

A framed picture of the two of you caught your attention, decorating the shelf above his computer. It was one of your favorite pictures, both of you completely wasted, posing in a shopping cart. A warm feeling crept up on you after you realized that this was actually the only framed picture in his whole room.  

The door opened, a big bowl of amazing smelling popcorn in one of his hands, and two big candles in the other one, “Ready to get comfortable?”

You let out a laugh at the sudden use of candles, “You never turned on candles around me before, is this an update?”

Setting down the bowl of popcorn on your lap and getting out a lighter to turn the candles on, he nodded, “I never wanted to impress you before.”

“You don’t have to try to impress me, Jeongguk,” you promised him, “but you’re doing quite a good job at it.”

“Move,” he pointed to the bed without saying anything else about the candles, “I wanna sit behind you if that’s alright.”

Moving a bit more towards the middle of the bed, you waited for him to sit behind you, his legs wrapping around you within seconds, your back leaned back against his chest. You put some of your blanket over him as he got comfortable.

Luckily, this felt less awkward than just twenty minutes ago and you were beyond thankful for it. 

A few seconds later Jeongguk was done positioning himself behind you, his arm wrapped around your stomach, drawing little circles on your exposed skin where your shirt rose up. 

“Is this okay?” he asked unsure, his breath tickling your ear, giving you goosebumps in an instant. 

It was more than okay, you felt secure and safe and at home - a bit surprised too at how easy all of this seemed.

“It’s nice,” your voice was satisfied, your eyes closed as you enjoyed the feeling of being held by him, “I could fall asleep immediately.”

His lips were on your ear, giving it a light peck, goosebumps forming on your body in an instant, “Don’t you dare.”

The whisper made you shiver and you could feel Jeongguk’s grin without having to look at him, happy he had that effect on you. 

About an hour into the movie you were watching, Jeongguk suddenly grabbed the remote and paused it - as you turned your head around to see what he was doing, the boy already looked at you, a concentrated glance on his face.

“What?” you asked him laughing, wondering what was happening.

Shrugging, his hand ran through your hair, eyes full of admiration, “You’re pretty cute. Did I ever tell you?”

Flustered, you playfully hit his chest, “Stop, Guk. You’re making me blush.”

The smile on his face was calm, his eyes not once leaving yours, “You are. Your mum must be proud of the beautiful woman you became.”

Not being used to hearing those kinds of compliments out of Jeongguk’s mouth your face turned red, “If you don’t stop right now, I’ll kick you in the nuts.”

Breaking his loving stare he let out a laugh, nodding understandingly, “I’m sorry, I’ll stop. But you’ll have to get used to it. I won’t hold back anymore.”

“Better not promise anything you can’t keep,” you warned him.

After looking at you for a little longer he stood up out of nowhere, reaching for your hand to help you get up too, “Let’s go and make a warm cup of tea.”

Not knowing where his sudden proposal came from you agreed nevertheless, holding his hand as you walked over to the kitchen, your head leaning against his shoulder. 

“What kind of tea do you want?” he asked you, opening a cupboard with a small variety of different kind of teas.

Before you could choose one yourself, Jeongguk let out a small chuckle, “Stupid question, I know you want strawberry tea anyway, right?”

It was almost heartwarming how automatic Jeongguk started to boil the water, preparing your tea, a domestic feeling you wanted to never go away again.

You were leaning against the counter, just watching him as his eyes met yours, a sly smile on his face when he came closer to you, his hands finding your waist, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I’m just enjoying the view,” you replied as his right hand cupped your cheek and he came closer once again, his hip connected with yours. Jeongguk seemed taller than usual, it might be the fact that he never stood in front of you like this before but you swear, he never was as tall as today.

“I’ve made you tea before, it’s not like this is a new view for you.”

Agreeing, you nodded your head, “I know but you’ve never made tea as my boyfriend before.”

His forehead leaned against yours as his hand wandered down from your cheek, over your shoulder, softly caressing your arm until it found your hand, linking his fingers with yours before he slowly came closer, both of you anticipating what was about to happen, “Your boyfriend, I like the sound of it.”

Jeongguk’s lips were now just above yours, the thought of the little distance left between you being gone in a few seconds sent butterflies to your stomach.

His scent was already enough to make you feel dizzy, not to mention the burning touch of his hands on your skin or the way his leg found its way between your legs. But all of those things faded into the background as you could finally feel his lips on yours, the soft pressure making your knees feel weak and your heart beat faster.

It started out slow and careful, both of you enjoying the slow approach of seeing how far you could go. His second hand wandered upwards from your hip under your shirt towards your waist, his thumb drawing small circles on your skin.

The kiss started to deepen a few seconds later and the fact that you could feel Jeongguk smiling into the kiss made you want him even more. If only you would have known that kissing him felt this good you had kissed him way sooner.

Your hand played with the nape of his neck, trying to pull him even closer to you as he kissed you with more passion, more pressure, more neediness. His second hand found your waist, carefully pulling you upwards, motioning you to let him lift you up to sit on the counter - and of course, you let him.

So there you were, in the middle of the night, heavily making out with Jeon Jeongguk between your legs, both of his hands busy with your thighs as he freed his lips from yours, just to pepper kisses along your jawline, down your neck right until his lips reached the top of your breasts, both of you not caring about the tea he just made a few minutes ago anymore.

Throwing your head back with closed eyes you enjoyed the feeling of Jeongguk’s attention on your chest a bit too much, not to talk about how you slowly felt his hand moving to the inside of your thighs, slipping them under his pair of boxer shorts you were wearing sneakily.

It all felt too good, afraid of how good this night would actually still become - at least until you both suddenly froze in your place, realizing that your friends suddenly were standing in the room, just coming home from the party the two of you were at earlier.

Eyes wide open, both of you stared at the three of them, all of them staring back at you with wide smirks on their lips.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” you heard Taehyung mumble under his breath, not even trying to hide the amusement in his voice, “Did we interrupt something?”

Jimin chuckled, “We clearly did.”

Of course, they wouldn’t let you go that easily after all they were known for being a pain in the ass. 

“Let’s go to my room before they start asking questions,” Jeongguk fastly told you, lifting you up from the counter once again, this time to help you get down.

But Taehyung already had other plans, the shit-eating grin on his face not fading at all, “Not so fast. How did that happen? We expected a lot but not that.”

Now, Taehyung’s girlfriend joined the conversation, “Baby, give them some space. God knows they need some alone time.”

Not letting the two of you get away so easily, Taehyung sat down on the kitchen table, gesturing you to join him, “First I want to know what happened after you left the party.”

Jeongguk threw you an apologetic glance, a small pout on his lips, making you chuckle.

“Guess we have to wait for a bit longer,” you whispered to him as you made your way over to the table.

Nodding, he let out a soft sigh, “Luckily we have all the time of the world.”

After waiting for twelve years you could definitely wait for another hour or two to finally start a new chapter of your life - and boy, were you excited for that chapter.

if you read until here, i wanna say thank you and i hope you enjoyed it. i barely write fics this long so sorry if it is a bit unstructed, i’m still learning! ♥

#bts #jungkook #jungkook imagine #jeon jungkook #jeongguk #jungkook scenario #jungkook x reader #jungkook college au #jungkook fluff #jeongguk fanfic #taehyung #jimin #namjoon #jin #seokjin #hobi #j-hope #hoseok #yoongi #bts reactions #jungkook fanfic

[thestarsarealigning]

The Signs and what they love about people

Aries Seeing people in a rush on their way to work, doing their lipstick on the train or putting in earrings while walking. When your best friend is really feeling themselves with a new haircut. When it's the first real warm day and you see schoolgirls going to the park together, a spring in their step. Being on a night train and looking to all the bright orange windows on the road, passing by, so many strangers with so many lives of their own.

Taurus When you go to the market on Sundays and you see the old lady bickering with the boy selling oranges, but it's in a friendly way from both sides. Going to a bar and seeing how the waiters joke with each other. Someone on a lonely bikeride to work, looking up at the sunrise. A man buying shoes for himself and not being sure about his choice, so he asks the seller for their opinion. Looking at a lover while they look into the sky.

Gemini The way an old friend hugs you when you haven't really been in contact for a year, but now it's just like nothing has changed. Seeing older siblings caring for their younger ones and being playful and nice with the little ones. Seeing someone checking themselves in a parking cars window. People carrying a bag for someone near them who clumsily searches for their keys. Getting ready for a night out together, trying that risqué eyeliner and hyping each other up about it.

Cancer people reading the paper on the underground, rather than checking their phone. Your mom calling you to check up on you when she knows you have been stressed lately. People closing their eyes when they feel the grass of a meadow under their bare feet. Someone really enjoying a car ride outside of the city with the wind in their hair. People overcoming their fears.

Leo when someone is crying on public transportation, but they're with a friend, and you can see them comforting each other and being there for one another. On a first date, when one person awkwardly jawns to put their arm around the others' shoulders. Grown adults wearing daisies in their hair. People spontaneously deciding to change something about their appearance, maybe their hair color or a new tattoo. When the secretary of the dentists office is efficient and friendly and professional all at the same time.

Virgo people giving up their seat for pregnant people in the bus. Park rangers all silent in their work, until someone asks them about an animal they find really cool, and then they can't stop blabbering on about that animal's quirks. When someone gets a coffee or tea for you and gets your order just right. People standing up for each other in front of bullies. When someone packs a picknick for you and remembers everything you prefer to eat and everything you don't.

Libra a daughter laying her head on the shoulder of her father tiredly. Someone greeting their dog at the door. Recognizing someone's voice across the room and feeling your heart jump a little before you go up to see them. Someone folding laundry in the garden and humming a song. Little children dressing up in their grandparents clothes.

Scorpio people recognizing each other in the library, silently stopping by and giving each other little notes of encouragement to keep on studying hard. How all the people kind of become one big movement in a club when everyone dances and jumps. How your bestfriend prepared you a birthday breakfast. Women playing with each other's hair. All the flat mates coming together by chance and sharing lunch, each eating their own meal, but they all sit together. How sometimes when people are up on a high balcony, they put their legs through the balustrade, swing them, and look down at the world.

Sagittarius people that search for their glasses, only to realize they've been on their head the whole time. People tiptoeing around a baby's room to not wake them up. Snapping a candid photo of a friend and looking at it years later, still remembering exactly how you felt at that moment. Young adults helping their elderly neighbors and carrying their shopping. How in early summer, your best friend gets freckles again. The feeling when you realize a good friend is more than just a good friend.

Capricorn students silently reading together in a park, but sharing a box of cookies. Teenagers joyful on a swing set together, as if they were 10 years younger. Your grandma preparing a dish for you and making sure it's vegan, even though that's hard for her. People sitting together in a café and getting coffee before work. Smiling at a stranger on the bus and them smiling back. Complimenting someone on their style or a brave makeup look.

Aquarius people carrying big bouquets of flowers on the street. Train drivers waving to each other when they pass. The pause before you kiss someone for the first time. When someone says something really stupid in class, and you share a look across the room with your best friend. When people bounce to the sound of their headphones on the street. Getting to know someone new and already planning all the things you could do together in your head. These people you only know from yoga class, you're from different worlds, but it's always nice to have a quick chat.

Pisces A kid attempting to wink, but it looks a little strange. People who are on the phone with each other to find each other in a crowded place, then they see each other, and stay on the phone still while running towards each other. Big families in a supermarket when no one is stressed and they just get the grocery shopping done together. When you drive to the sea with a friend, that moment when you all just jump out of the car, get off your shoes, and run towards the sand.

#Check your sun sign! not rising :) #I really enjoyed writing these I hope they resonate with you #Signs #The signs #Star signs #Astro #Astrology #Daily horoscope #Daily astrology #today's horoscope #the stars are aligning #aries horoscope #taurus horoscope #unusual horoscope #whimsical #Gemini horoscope #people #Cancer horoscope #Leo horoscope #Virgo horoscope #Libra horoscope #Scorpio horoscope #sagittarius horoscope #Capricorn horoscope #aquarius horoscope #pisces horoscope #aesthetic #Zodiac signs #writing #poetic astrology

[soundwavefucker69]

a casual observance of the apocalypse

There’s an old man in line. He’s got laugh lines around his eyes and a disposable medical mask on his face. He’s clutching a bottle of laundry detergent like it’s the last shred of dignity he’s got, and you can hear keys and coins jingle in his pockets with every step. His shoulders are a little bowed, but not enough for the girl in the floral mask to notice.

She’s got gray joggers with old stains on the knees and a pink Army jacket that’s seen better days. There’s a crop top under her jacket, bright and floral, with bunnies peeking out of leaves, and her hair is shorn close to her head in a way that can’t be anything but a woman who isn’t one to let men run their fingers through it to soothe her. In fact, from the pin on her lapel, she’s not the type to let men do much of anything, and if she didn’t look so lost under that floral face mask, I’d think her adorable. It would be difficult not to; she’s juggling about six different items and trying to peel four twenty ounce bottles of soda out of the little fridge at the front of my aisle.

“Looks like you just got here in time,” the old man says, friendly and bright, like he’s talking to a girl that reminds him of a granddaughter he hasn’t seen in quite some time. “I haven’t moved in five minutes.”

“What?” The girl says, distracted but not rude as she struggles with the door and the plethora of things she really should have gotten a basket for.

“The line. You got here when it’s about to move,” he says, patient, understanding, because she looks stressed and he’s a little lonely.

“Oh!” She says, and lets out a tremulous laugh as she gives up and waits until she can get to a spot where she can set down her things. “Yeah, I think so. I’m sorry you’ve been waiting.”

Silence passes for a few minutes as I try to ring up the mountains of Christmas gear. People always wait until the last possible minute to get their wrapping paper and presents and bags and bows. It’s a chronic affliction of the human psyche: procrastination. The woman in front of me I’m only half paying attention to either has a lot of adults she’s living with, or I should be thankful for the piece of cloth over my face, because it’s beginning to look like quarantine for her is only a polite suggestion. I don’t say as much, of course.

“Maybe this wasn’t the right line,” the girl, young woman, perhaps, finally says, and the man turns to look at her again, a laugh falling off his lips that makes me wonder if he just has the humor of an easily appeased puppy, or he’s just that lonely and in need of a pretty girl in a floral mask to pay attention to him.

“Yeah, it probably wasn’t,” he agrees, and the girl pauses, uncomfortable, eyes a little unfocused.

“My roommate is a diabetic,” she says, unprompted, and my eyes are drawn to the top ramen and animal cookies and more-sugar-than-flavor generic candy orange slices taking up residence in her overburdened arms. “She starts her new job tomorrow, but...”

The unsaid goes there: we have no money.

“Ah. Bottoming out backups?” The man asks, and she nods, helplessly. Something in his shoulders eases, like he’s coming home, and he nods. “My wife.”

“I don’t start my new job until next month,” she blurts, and then laughs, a little high, a little shrill, and I catch myself wondering just how close she is to crying. There’s a tremor in her legs, and her hands are tightening on plastic wrap so it crinkles in her grasp, a repetitive noise like she’s trying to soothe herself. “She doesn’t get paid for two weeks. We don’t have much food left and this is the last of my EBT and the food ban---”

The filthy, taboo words are cut short, and I preoccupy myself with wrapping paper and bells for a tree that should already be decorated. I know what she means; the food bank has had less and less and less food lately. At least, the one you can walk to from here.

“Covid got you, too?” He asks, gently, and there’s real pain in his voice, like covid got someone else that looked an awful lot like her.

“Yeah,” she says, breathless and terrified, and the man nods in sympathy.

“Me, too,” he says, like he should be working at his age at all, and the girl clutches her groceries closer to her chest, impossibly young. I wonder if this is her first financial crisis as an adult. It has to be. With the mask, I don’t know if she’s late teens or early twenties, but she’s around there somewhere.

“I was working at a pharmacy tech, and so was she, but she’s got diabetes and I’ve got Crohn’s and together we’re a mess of---” She cuts herself off again, a mess of emotion she’s trying to hide under polite conversation, like she hadn’t admitted to being immunocompromised in a pandemic. Maybe admitting it will make it real. I don’t know.

“Yeah? What are you doing now?” He prompts, and she actually, really laughs at that, like the world is insane and she’s just seeing it.

“Contact tracing for covid,” she spits out, like covid is a primordial god and she’s got a sword and a death wish. “Kinda funny that I lost my job because of covid and now my next job can only happen because of it. At least it’s not like the insurance job. All I gotta do is tell them they need to take a test. I don’t have to tell them we’re not covering their chemo anymore.”

I wonder how desperate you have to be to work the kinds of jobs she does with a disease like that. Or maybe she’s just a spiteful little beast. It’s hard to see the spite right now. It’s all desperation wrapped up in a pink jacket and grease stained joggers that look like they’ve been tossed on the floor of a mechanic’s shop.

“Yeah? I bet it’s real easy to get hired for that sort of thing,” the man says, maybe a little wistfully, and she shakes her head no.

“No, I was scouted. You can’t even find the listing. You need a fingerprint clearance card just to be considered, and they’re, like, a hundred dollars. I don’t even know how they found my info.” She sounds calm about that, but then again, it’s 2020. Things like resumes and phone numbers aren’t private, haven’t been since... Well, who knows who bought what politician first? Floral mask girl doesn’t care, and neither do I.

The woman takes her receipt, and the skin around floral mask girl’s eyes bunch up, like she’s trying to smile. The man sets his laundry detergent in front of me, carefully counts his change, and gives her his own skin scrunched around his eyes as I ring him up and give him his receipt.

“Well, good luck with the contact tracing,” he says, kind, immeasurably kind, and it’s a miracle he is as calm as he is, because all I can think is it’s an unnerving sort of thing to talk to someone you’ll never meet again who just needs one unlucky day to die.

“Good luck with your laundry,” she says as she juggles out her sodas and sets them on the till.

The old man leaves, his shoulders tightening with every step he walks away from human contact, and the girl looks at me with eyes threatening to water.

“Do you take EBT?” She asks, and I give her a warm smile, the warmest I can, and nod.

“Yeah. We take EBT.”

#shrooms is writing #covid tw #my writing #short fiction #covid-19 #vignette #original fiction #just a random idea i wanted to post somewhere #don't mind me #for the record i do not have diabetes OR crohn's #i don't know what the FUCK is wrong with my stomach ofc #like no fucking clue lmfao #it's fucked up but that's all i got #bc i ain't got money or INSURAAANNNCCCEEEE!!!! #but i do not have crohn's or diabetes #my roommate is a diabetic tho #and i just bought like a bunch of junk with the last of my ebt #bc i am like $100 overdrawn and aint got a jooobbb!!! #anyways take this as you will idfk know what im doing #might add more later #just a bunch of shit cashier bro overhears #on a regular basis #FUCK I FORGOT!!!! #long post

[hawks-supremacy]

New  Beginnings - Day Out

A/N: I planned on updating this a few days ago but some things happened. I plan on the next one being a written chapter as well and then back to the texting chapters. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this!

Words: 1.4k

Warnings: None? Swearing

Masterlist

Waking up to pounding on your door was not how you wanted to wake up on a weekend. Yelling something incoherent akin to “go away” you rolled over and went back to bed. Well at least you would’ve had it not been for your brother and a bunch of his teammates barging in and simultaneously jumping on your bed as you screamed. A few of them groaned as they bumped heads, obviously not thinking that move through. You started to flail your arms trying to get the accumulated 600 plus pounds off of your body before you suffocate. You succeeded in hitting a few of the perpetrators as they yelled at you to stop hitting them.

“If you want me to stop hitting you then get the fuck off me!” You yelled, still swinging wildly. They complied and moved off of your body as Daichi told you not to swear because there were ‘children’ as he pointed to Hinata. Trying to regain your breath after it was all forcefully shoved out of your lungs you sat up feeling like you just ran the mile. “What do you heathens want? It is,” you paused turning on your phone, “10 am on a Saturday. I can definitely sleep for another two hours at least.”

“Woah! That’s a long time!” You glanced over at Hinata as he looked amazed at the amount of time you sleep. Feeling awfully judged, you scrunched up your nose as Daichi and Suga laughed.

“Listen here pipsqueak,” “-but” Hinata interrupted your sentence, “ah, ah, ah, wait until I’m done. It is the weekend, I have insomnia, and Daichi kept me up past his bedtime. Also, I’m 25, I am allowed to sleep in on the weekends. Having said that, you’re still precious and an innocent bean.” You smiled at the child who beamed back at you, not entirely sure what just happened but he went with it anyway.

“What are you guys doing in my room? Why this early?” You looked at Daichi, Suga, and Asahi for the answers as you figured Hinata and Kageyama wouldn’t have them. 

“Well you see, since you help out with the team we’re all meeting at Sakanoshita. After that we’re going to hang out and go to the mall and maybe a few games for fun.” You let out an exasperated sigh and laid back down. Who wants to practice on their day off? Crazy people that's who. You were not crazy. Not that kind of crazy any way.  

“You guys are absolutely nuts, who practices on their day off? How are you convincing Mr. Salt Shaker to do all this? Am I going to be the only adult?” You sat back up as you voiced your thoughts out loud and swung your legs over the edge of your bed. You stood up and shooed all of the youngins away from your bed so you can straighten it. You rarely straighten your bed but since there were five sets of eyes watching your every move. Turning around you set your hands on your hips as you waited patiently for the answers to your questions.

“It’s not practice, it's just a few games for fun,” in between his answers you grumbled that that sounded like practice, “Tanaka and Noya went with Yamaguchi to get Tsukishima, and no. Takeda sensei is also going to be going as well as coach Ukai.” You narrowed your eyes in suspicion as you thought back to the conversation you had the night before with a certain fake blonde.

“Ukai works at the store today, how is he going? What did you guys do? I’m not helping with a kidnapping, I’m not going back to jail.” As you finished your sentence all of the boys except for Daichi repeated the word jail in a loud tone with shocked faces.

“Stop telling people you went to jail, you are over exaggerating the time you went to kid jail because you beat up a kid with a wooden block. Stop asking questions and get dressed, I’ll explain things on the way to the store.” As he finished his sentence he pushed all of the boys out of your room and closed the door behind him, leaving the other boys with more questions than when they came. 

You grumbled to yourself about how the kid deserved it because he shouldn’t have been taking your share of the blocks in the first place, who cares if he was younger than you. Sharing is not caring when it comes to building your empire. You glanced at the weather and decided on just some comfortable black bottoms with your favorite hoodie. You grabbed your bag and your phone and went to the bathroom to brush your teeth before grumbling. As you walked into the living room you were still grumbling about how the kid ruined the whole economy because he took the grocery store of your city. “All he was making was a bigger block. Where’s the imagination in that?!?!” As you asked the question you grabbed Suga by the shoulders and shook him as you demanded answers.

Daichi came over and gently took your hands off of Suga’s shoulders as Suga just laughed at what was happening. “Have you really been talking about this the whole time since we left?” Mumbling a no you turned around and walked to the door, opening it for everyone to exit before you left and locked the door. As you were walking behind the group Daichi fell back so he could walk at the same pace as you. 

“So how’d you get Ukai to come? I thought he worked tonight.” You asked, glancing at the kids playing in a sandbox as you passed by the park. “Besides I didn’t think he would want to hang out with a bunch of teens anyway if he did have a day off. I know I didn’t want to .” You mumbled the last part to yourself but as Daichi laughed you had a feeling you weren’t as quiet as you meant to be.

“I called the store this morning to see if he was working and his mom answered the phone. He thinks he still works today which is why we’re all meeting there.” He paused as he watched his teammates laugh about something Hinata did and smiled to himself. “The reason we’re doing this is for team building. Spending the day together will do some good for the team.” He laughed to himself before turning to you, “That’s what we’re telling the rest of the team anyway. In reality all the third years want to spend time together before we all graduate. It’s only the beginning of the year but still. It’s not going to be the same after we all leave and go our separate ways, we won’t see each other as much. Sorry I’m getting all sentimental on you, I didn’t plan on going this in-depth with the explanation.”

You stopped walking and gently tugged on his arm to signal him to also stop, “Hey don’t apologize, I think it’s nice that you guys wanna spend time together. I miss my school friends.” You continued your journey to the store as you carried on with your small story, “I didn’t have many friends but we always hung out and had a fun time. We still talk and all but not we only see each other during weddings or when someone decides to do a surprise visit. It sucks yeah, but we still talk. We didn’t get to hang out as much as I would’ve liked. I was the manager of the boys volleyball team and the others had their own clubs. So it’s not like we could hang out every weekend.” You let out a small sigh and smiled sadly at the ground ahead of you, “You should be grateful that you guys are all in the same club. I hope you guys all still get to hang out when you graduate. It gets lonely not having any friends.” 

Over hearing your conversation Suga whipped around and immediately tackled you in a hug, “How dare you say that! We’re your friends Y/n! We’ll always be here for you, so don’t forget that!” You laughed hugging him back. 

“Thank you for that Suga, I really appreciate you guys. Now! Enough of this sappy stuff. Race you all to the store!” With that being said you all took off towards the shop running as fast as you possibly could, laughing the whole way.

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu smau #haikyuu ukai #ukai x reader #ukai imagine #ukai fanfiction #ukai smau

[gukyi]

the search | jhs

summary: your boyfriend, hoseok, decides you surprise you one afternoon and sends you on a scavenger hunt all around the city, marking the memories of your love. 

{established relationship!au}

pairing: jung hoseok x reader genre: fluff word count: 1k warnings: none a/n: thank you to @theevangelist for commissioning this drabble and for donating to blm! this fic is just a reminder to me that i need to write more stuff for hobi because he is lovely and deserves it.

It starts with a note taped to your front door. 

You plop the canvas bags of groceries down at your feet in curiosity as your fingers tug at the index card attached to your grody wooden apartment door, eyes narrowing as you read the scrawled lettering. 

I hope this note finds you well. You are being sent on a quest by none other than your amazing, incredible, wonderful, generous, handsome, talented boyfriend. There is something good at the end of this, I promise. 

There better be, you think to yourself. All you could think about while at the supermarket was how excited you were to come back home and fall asleep on your couch watching reruns of the Forensic Files. 

First one’s easy. Return to the very place we first met. Where it all started. 

You shuffle into your apartment, hands full and note between your lips, and drop off all of your groceries, making sure to put anything cold into your refrigerator before continuing. The moment you’re finished, you head out of your apartment and make a beeline for your local sushi restaurant. It’s several blocks away but your feet seem to be moving quicker today, pink index card clutched in between your fingers as you walk against the wind, hands crossed over your chest to keep warm. It’s cold today—or perhaps you just never dress appropriately—and you sure as hell hope that Hoseok isn’t going to send you on a wild goose chase outdoors like this. 

When you arrive, Hoseok isn’t there (not that you were expecting him to be). Instead, you notice his good friend Jimin waiting in an empty booth, sipping on a soda. 

You have a feeling he isn’t anticipating anybody else. 

It’s hard not to think about this place when it comes to Hoseok. When it comes to who the two of you have become together. 

“Hey, that’s my friend from dance,” Jungkook says to you, pointing to a man sitting a few tables away from you. He’s alone, but checking his watch often, like he’s expecting someone. “Hoseok!”

The man looks up and his expression bursts into a grin, happy and relieved to have been called over. At once, you notice his eyes, the way that they twinkle in the soft white light of the restaurant, like his own little sets of stars. He gets up at once, heading over to your table. 

“Jungkook, what a nice surprise!” He says, making sure to turn and say hello to you as well. You’re frozen still, too nervous to say anything but too entranced to look away. 

“What are you doing here?” Jungkook asks. 

Hoseok shrugs. “I was supposed to be on a date, but it looks like she bailed on me.” For what reason you cannot possibly imagine. Who would bail on someone like him?

“Damn, that sucks,” Jungkook says. “You’re welcome to sit with us, right, Y/N?”

Jungkook’s voice breaks you out of your trance, making you turn to him with wide eyes. Hoseok smiles at your fumble, chuckling heartily. 

“Y-Yeah,” you sputter out. “Of course.”

Hoseok accepts happily, thanking the two of you for letting him crash your meal. He slides in next to Jungkook so you’re forced to look at him and his starry eyes, and he begins to smile. 

“Am I in the right place?” You ask with an eyebrow raise, strolling up to Jimin. He jumps at your voice. 

“Not too hard to find me, right?” Jimin poses. He holds out a blue index card between his fingers.

I knew you could do it. Hard to believe that so much would come from that one meal. You know, I’m actually kind of grateful to the girl that bailed on me. I think that, since our friend groups were so interlocked, we would have met eventually, but if she hadn’t skipped out, I don’t know if we ever would have made what we have now. 

In any case, your next clue is this: my favorite book?

You thank Jimin for his time and promise to buy him a drink sometime soon as payment for sitting in the sushi restaurant, lonely and waiting for you to show up. The hostess does not pay attention to the fact that you arrived and left within five minutes, and you dart off to the next spot on your list. 

It’s ten blocks in the opposite direction—god, couldn’t Hoseok have made this a little less intensive?—but you know that you’re getting close because the smell of coffee is wafting through the air, the wind blowing it towards you. 

The bookstore is right next to you and Hoseok’s favorite coffee joint, a perfect destination for two nerds like yourselves. 

You wander into the store, a crooked little thing, old white walls with peeling paint and random rugs scattered along the floor. Here, you and Hoseok could spend hours, browsing through the hundreds of books stored haphazardly on the shelves, some arranged in an order, and some placed wherever there was an empty spot. The books have long outgrown the store, but the owner still refuses to part with this near-shack. Something about the memories. 

“I never knew this place even existed,” you tell Hoseok as he leads you through the winding passageways and uneven steps of this tiny little bookstore, so tilted and twisted it’s as if the place will fall apart underneath the pressure.

“It’s a secret,” Hoseok whispers into your ear with a giggle. “For only those who know exactly where to look.”

“I take it you read?” You ask. This is a strange place for a first date, but no stranger than any others you’ve been on. 

“I bring a book with me to practice every day,” Hoseok tells you proudly. “Books are dreams turned to reality.”

“There are other ways to turn your dreams into a reality,” you tell him. 

Hoseok turns to you, a gleam in his eye, interest piqued. “Really? How’s that?”

You whisper, a shout into the void, into the air settling between the two of you. “By doing them yourself.”

Despite the organization (or lack thereof) of the shop, you know exactly where to find what you’re looking for. On a small shelf that doesn’t match any of the others in the store is a collection of Charles Dickens works, and three paperback copies of A Christmas Carol. 

You fish through the first two with no luck, but find a purple index card in the third. 

Too easy for you, huh? I guess it’s no surprise that my favorite book is a children’s tale about Christmas. But I think that even adults can learn from ol’ Ebenezer Scrooge sometimes. I just think that Christmas, and the wintertime in general, is magical. And I think that we could all do with never forgetting the past, working towards the future, and living in the present. At least, that’s what I try to do. 

Okay, last one: in a big city, stars are sparse and nearly impossible to see. But there is one place that we can go whenever we miss the Moon and her admirers. 

You suppose that Hoseok has a method to his madness nonetheless. 

There are four parks within the city, but you know exactly which one Hoseok’s talking about. It’s the one in the center, surrounded by skyscrapers and glass windows and street lamps. It’s small, barely the size of a decent parking lot, but it’s filled with trees and a giant fountain in the middle, and signs to keep off of the grass that nobody reads. 

And when you arrive, there you see him, sitting on the lawn on a gingham picnic blanket, with a basket splayed out as he gazes up at the evening sky. 

“I knew you’d know where to go,” Hoseok says when he spots you strolling towards him, fingers toying with themselves like a kindergarten love. 

“Did you ever doubt me?” You ask him. It’s as if Hoseok thinks that you don’t think the same as he does, don’t treasure the same memories you share. “You know we’re not supposed to be on the grass.”

“Oh, yeah?” Hoseok says, pulling you down next to him and wrapping his arms around you. He leans in close, pressing a soft kiss on your lips. “And who’s going to stop me?”

“Stop,” you say with a grin, letting him kiss you again. “The stars are watching us.”

Hoseok smiles. Even if it’s only seven, even if you can’t even see the stars in the city anyway, they will never leave your side. Not when you can watch them in the eyes of the man in front of you, white glints twinkling, shimmering, sparkling. He is golden and beautiful. He is starlight. “I hope that they always do.”

↳ links are broken, but don’t forget that i’m still taking commissions!

#hoseok fluff #hoseok angst #bts fluff #bts angst #bts scenario #hoseok scenario #bts imagine #hoseok imagine #bts au #hoseok au #w: the search

[werevulvi]

Hi, could you tell me more about your autism and diagnosis and how you deal with it, how old you were diagnosed

I don't know a lot about my autism, tbh, as I never bothered to read up on it and I was never properly informed on it. But what I do know is that I learned slowly as a kid, learned to walk at age 3, was very clumsy (like medically abnormally clumsy physically, could barely run at all and couldn't climb, etc) required special treatment to learn how to eat as a toddler because I hated the sensory experience of solid food and chewing, I was incapable of understanding sarcasm, interpreted everything literally, I was stimming a lot, had monotone body language and speech, etc. I was very obviously "different" according to my parents already from around age 1 or 2, and required literally constant attention for the first 4 years of my life. Started daycare at age 4, in small groups.

Then as I started school at age 6, apparently the school nurse had told my parents that I'm probably autistic, so I consider that my "inofficial diagnosis" but they decided to ignore that and didn't tell me (until 10 years later.) I was bullied in school for being "the weird kid" by both classmates and teachers who thought I was a retard and annoying, basically, I guess. I was called a freak and weirdo a lot. But like I was proudly a weirdo, and resented normativity.

As I got up into ages 10-12 my depression and DID symptoms (alter) kinda took over and became more prominent than my autism symptoms, as I wasn't as physically clumsy anymore and started learning social cues. My mental health continued to decline over the next few years, until I sought out therapy on my own at age 16. It led me to doing my first few suicide attempts, which led me to ending up at a closed psychiatric ward.

While staying there for a few weeks, I got evaluated for autism (without knowing that's what I was tested for) as well as a few physical things, such as my hearing impairment and chronic headache. And those tests led to an official Asperger Syndrome diagnosis, when I was 16, by the very end of year 2005. I also got diagnosed with borderline psychosis and mild depression, and got pumped full of anti-depressants and anti-psychotic (neuroleptic) drugs. Then my mom finally told me that she basically always knew about my autism, and I was really pissed at her for not having told me before. I resented my autism diagnosis right from the start, and the older I got, the more I resented it. Never identified with it, only ever saw it as a huge burden.

Then throughout the rest of my teens, I went to a school for neurodivergent people (basically upper high school) but still flunked it. I was a complete and utter mess, and got little to no actual therapy. They just kept shoving me around from one psychiatric department to another, due to my comorbid issues, no one could help me, it seemed. Every once in a while I'd make another half assed suicide attempt to make them take me seriously, which only worked for a few months at a time. In total, I've made 19 suicide attemps over 12 years. Oh lord, psychiatry was so bad!

Adulthood came along and I got benefitted with sickness compensation, and got my first apartment at age 20. It didn't go great. I accidentally flooded it and had to move out, and didn't manage to keep it clean or anything while I lived there. I was barely functional and alcoholic, constantly self-harming, just to try to manage attending school. Despite getting help from caretakers offered by the state (?) weekly, I was really dysfunctional. I switched apartments several times, and kept flunking school while trying to live my miserable life, always hanging by a thread. Until I moved back to my parents at age 23. They had moved to a miserable island far away from all my friends. Got an apartment on that island close to my parents, but my issues continued being the same level of awful, up until about age 27.

What this has to do with my autism is that... uh, I basically understand it as that it impedes on my executive function really dramatically, and like although I can physically do pretty much anything, mentally I just somehow can't. Especially repeatedly, and often enough. Like I can't keep any routine for the life of me, not even simple shit like sleep cycle, eating habits, brushing my teeth, etc. Let alone school or a job, or even hobbies. Everything is infrequent and too seldom, if at all. So everything in my life keeps falling apart as I basically have no foundation to stand on, and I get sensory overload suuuuper easily. So like just going shopping/cleaning/laundry/hobbies/school/anything for half an hour can drain me significantly and make me incapable of managing doing anything else for the rest of that entire day. It's very hard for me to explain, but it's like I only ever have 3 spoons per day, but most things requitre 10+ spoons, so I go backwards on my energy resources a lot and end up having to rest for DAYS after just one hour's activity.

At age 27 I ditched the social service caretakers, as they were seriously depriving me of my privacy while being largely unhelpful, and I began to finally try to pull myself together. I still get a lot of help from my mom, with anything from paying my bills and grocery shopping, to driving me places and dealing with soul-sucking authorities for me. This takes off a lot of the burden and allows me to manage doing at least a few things on my own, like working out, cleaning (yay I manage keeping my apartment clean nowadays!), laundry, occasional shopping, art projects, online socialising, etc. I still go to therapy biweekly but it's still largely unhelpful. At least I managed to make them stop tossing me around between departments like a football though, and I'm still gonna try to get some proper trauma therapy, and maybe also look into that adhd group I was promised last year, if it'll ever resume again post-corona...

I've still never had a job in my life and still have incomplete grades. But I got permanent sickness compensation now, so that's neat. At least I don't have to worry financially. I'm also trying to get started with some "work training" stuff which is basically "pretend work" for people who can't work, just to have something to do. I'll most likely be granted acces to that. However, it seems irony is that most of those are located out in the middle of nowhere where no buses go, and I can't afford a fucking car or driver's licence because I can't work. Mom probably won't drive me several times a week for that. Fucking fantastic. Makes me almost wanna kill someone... argh! Those little things really piss me off.

Life is absolutely not going the way I want and I blame my autism for it, mostly. I am drowning in frustration, and my anger issues making me scream my lungs out in pure despair, shows that. I'm considered offically disabled due to my autism, and it just fucking sucks ass. How lonely, under-stimulated yet easily over-stimulated, bored, meaningless and unfulfilled my life is. There are far more severely autistic people out there who somehow manage to live far more functional lives, and I'm jealous of that. I dunno how to break free from this misery. It feels like the only thing I've ever managed to accomplish in life is transitioning genders, and making art that I don't wanna sell. I wanna have a "normal" job, a car and driver's licence, I wanna have cats and a social life, I want parties at night clubs again, I want hobbies outside of my home; hookups, friends and lovers; I want to be able to have a functional romantic life with someone I can marry and start a family with.

But is any of that ever gonna happen? I hope so, but it feels bleak. Because my autism feels like such a huge burden on my life, and a huge hindrence to my dreams and goals... like I'm over 30 already and still a disabled and having my mom living half my life for me, miserable mess and not given any useful therapy, I'm left to my own vices to figure out how to adult... Because of all that, I hate my autism and I wish there was a cure, I swear to fuck. So for your question, how I deal with it: not fantastically. Not sure if you wanted a relay of my entire life, but I hope that’s okay! Didn’t know how else to answer your questions.

[rgrettes]

heyy, I hope I'm not bothering but I've seen that you used to post about faberry and faberry fics like Shafd, and since I'm trying to find some faberry fanfics to read, could you please recommend me some of your favorites? Thank you :)

OKAY so this took me a whole lot longer than anticipated because I didn’t want to make it be like 500 fics long! But here, in no particular order, are my top 10 faberry fanfics! [excluding SHAfD of course bc whomever asked this definitely knows SHAfD!]I will be including trigger warnings/content warnings! Please be sure that you can handle the subjects before reading the content! Be safe and put your mental and physical wellbeing before a work of fiction!

10. Dirty Little Secret by patchesofink

Chapters: 77/77 [208k]

This fic would actually happen to be the first faberry fic that I ever read. I felt my little 15 year old self cry several times throughout this fic. It’s what first got me into writing fanfic, because I wanted to write as well as this author! There is a content warning so please be careful reading it if you are sensitive to topics mentioned!

Rachel has a secret and Quinn has figured it out - but will Quinn use this knowledge to exact revenge on Rachel for telling Finn that Puck was really the father or will she use her own experiences to help. WARNING - language and sexual content, r*pe.

9. I’ll Be by stix04

Chapters: 20/20 [330k]

God I was such a sucker for fake dating au’s as a young teenager and I’m most definitely a sucker for them now. This one I didn’t read right when it came out, I didn’t actually find it until it had finished but it still makes my top 20 because it’s just too good not to talk about!

Can Quinn pretend to be in love with Rachel just to get out of Lima? Can Rachel pretend to love Quinn so she's not so lonely in New York? And what happens when both girls realize they're no longer pretending?

8. Long Way to Happy by patchesofink 

Chapters: 42/42 [104k]

This is the sequel to Dirty Little Secret and makes the list for being just as good as the original. This author is so talented and the story just resonates in my soul! 

warnings for sexual content, language, violence and potential ptsd triggers!

Sequel to Dirty Little Secret. Rachel still has some healing to do as well with dealing with becoming a mom. Quinn has her own issues to deal with. Can their fledgling relationship deal with the ups and downs of life and cope with senior year? Quinn learns to open up and Rachel deals with motherhood and not letting her past define her. It's a Long Way to Happy.

7. Leather Jackets and Bad Coffee by antonius

Chapters: 11/?? [75k] [has not updated since 2018 :(]

Bikers, 50′s style diners, and good girl/bad girl pairing. Literally who could ask for anything more? I’m super sad this one hasn’t updated in a long time but it’s still such a fun read!!

warning for violence!

Ninety miles and nearly two hours from the heart of New York City, just off of PA-33 North, is the little town of Belfast, Pennsylvania: population 1,257. Right outside the city limits sits Moe's, a small 24-hour diner whose newest waitress, Rachel Berry, has taken her best friend Kurt's advice and started a calm summer temp job away from the hustle-and-bustle of busy city life in order to rest up before her final year at NYADA.During her very first midnight shift, she encounters a group of rowdy regulars led by a pink-haired woman with piercing hazel eyes. Quinn Fabray is the leader of the Skanks, a small but well-known local biker gang that doesn't take shit from anyone.So began the strangest summer of Rachel Berry's life.

6. Talk by saintdyke

Chapters: 17/? [43k] [last updated may 2019]

This is another one I’m sad hasn’t updated in a while! This honestly stole my heart to a point that in the time I found it in mid April 2019 and June of 2019 I have re-visited the fic 105 times, rereading it at least half as many as that. I’m really hoping the author comes back to the fic, because it was keeping me on the edge of my seat.

warning for violence, abuse mentions and depictions, homophobia and ptsd triggers!

(Previously titled Grease Stains, Starry Skies) Famous actress Rachel Berry’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. A pretty blonde with a blue truck rescues her from the side of the road, and just so happens to own an Auto Repair shop in town. Quinn is frustrating and mysterious, and Rachel is just as stubborn. Together, they start a revolution.

5. Just off the Key of Reason by iamapanda

Chapters: 30/30 [129k]

This one is another absolute classic in the Faberry fandom, and is another fic that has stuck with me throughout the years! It has a fantastic softer take on Quinn that I truly appreciated because everyone back in the early years of the fandom would make her so angry and bitter and she’s just so soft in some interpretations

Rachel Berry is a successful Broadway star with a new roommate, the very odd, naive Quinn Fabray. It starts with a note on the fridge and a childishly scrawled doodle of an elephant. Everybody has a little crazy in them.

4. Still off the Key of Reason by iamapanda

Chapters: 37/37 [185k]

The sequel to Just off the Key of Reason! Still as soft and as crazy! I can’t mention one without having the other in the list as well! I can’t explain how it feels to look at the ff.net pages after so long, my heart is transported back to 2011 and I’m sitting on my bed after I’m supposed to be in bed. I miss the days where I could just spend time reading these fics and not having adult responsibilities.

Quinn is thundering her way through vet school. Rachel is enlightening the west coast with her talent. The story continues with a wedding, dogs in tuxedos, and Pooh Bear vows. Crazy never fades.

3. A Million Miles of Fun by Jade8Devlin

Chapters: 12/12 [103k]

This one is a little different from the last ones! It isn’t my favorite because of its literary genius, but because of how fun and out there it is! It’s concept is fresh and dark and something I honestly didn’t expect to see but it quickly grew to be a favorite for me!

warning for violence, abuse, mentions of murder! the whole story revolves around The Unholy Trinity + Rachel murdering Quinn’s family so please take that into consideration!

And in Lima, Ohio, a man and woman were killed earlier today during what is believed to be a home invasion. Russell Fabray was last seen leaving Gas'N'Go at two o'clock; his wife, Judith, from a grocery story an hour earlier. Police are linking the double homicide to the area's recent surge in breaking and entering – though these appear to be the first fatalities. The victims are survived by their daughters; Quinn and Stacey."Jessalyn Briggs shuffles the papers on her desk, clearing her throat. The somber expression on her face seems to float off her as she turns towards camera 3."Otis-the-Otter finishes today's news headlines as the little critter that could. Abandoned by his mother and found foraging for scraps in the Nelson family's garbage cans, Otis has proven; if you can't teach an old dog new tricks, teach them to an otter! Otis placed second at this year's Ohio Dog Show after last year's well-documented struggle by the Nelson family to allow Otis to be included. Well done Otis, we here at Channel 43 salute you.

2. The Silence of Silence by your.kat

Chapters: 31/31 [135k]

This one... I can’t describe why I liked it, I just liked it.

warning for mental health, and trauma [possible others, please read with caution]

Quinn and Rachel meet at Haverbrook under unusual circumstances. Why is Rachel silent? And why does Quinn care? "You can hear," Quinn said simply, "but can you speak?"; "Yes," Rachel signed. "I can speak. But silence is a friend who will never betray."

1. Kissing Quinn Fabray by vondrunkaton

Chapters: 6/6 [45k]

This one just makes me super warm and fuzzy inside. I don’t think I can say it’s entirely changed my life but it’s just so soft and i love it

Quinn comforts Rachel after Finn says something oafish. Rachel is surprised by how sweet Quinn is. There's also some making out in delicious detail. Fluffy getting together fic.

I am super open to talking about more fics I love/like and other pairings! This was a ton of fun to talk about and sent me down memory lane! I went searching for two hours on a vague memory of a fic that I think has been deleted by now. But if anyone wants to help me track it down! Hit me up and I’ll give you the details!

#faberry #glee #rachel berry #quinn fabray #faberry fic #god please someone help me find this fic #Anonymous

[vickyvicarious]

well now I have to headcanon that Killian enjoys cooking

(Regarding this gifset.)

Anon I agree. I very much agree. To a... schmoopy amount, so prepare yourself.

.

Emma spent most of her adult life living alone, and a decent amount of her childhood essentially raising herself. She’s gained a lot of skills from those experiences - the useful but depressing stuff, like clocking liars and abusers from ten paces, how to get a good deal at a pawn shop, how to shoplift, to break into cars, how to fill the silence with music so loud you stop thinking about how lonely you are, how to fire a gun, exactly how far ten dollars can stretch if you need. Sure, she’s learned all that.

But some of the stuff is just plain useful. Emma’s known for a long time how to manage her money, how to do laundry, how to keep a house clean, how to sew up rips in your clothes to make them last longer, how to cook. Some of those skills she hasn’t needed in a long time, and others she doesn’t use much just because she doesn’t like to, and she no longer has to. Still, even if she doesn’t especially love cooking, for example, she isn’t actually forced to live on takeout. Before Storybrooke, that was more of... a choice.

(Eating alone in your own home has never been something she’s liked. At least in a bar or a restaurant, she could hear other people, watch them.)

Living with Mary-Margaret, she wound up cooking a little more often, and during her time in New York she remembers making dinner with Henry most days. He was pretty awful in the kitchen himself, could burn water, so she didn’t let him do anything too important, but it was more about the companionship. Even having him doing his homework in the kitchen while she whipped something up was just as good. Sure, there was still pretty regular order-in days, and they ate out sometimes, but for the most part they actually had real meals together. She remembers making a decision to do that when he was still small, to always set aside this time to cook and eat together and share their days. 

It was a curse memory, fake, but Emma liked that routine. Even after moving back to Storybrooke, at least once everything eventually settled, she tries to keep that going. She still doesn’t especially love cooking - it’s more about the end result for her, having that time to sit down together as a family and enjoy something you made together.

So when she and Killian started living together, she made sure to tell him. Emma wanted him to know everything that mattered to her, wanted him to be involved in it. She... also wanted to know ahead of time, if he was terrible in the kitchen and shouldn’t be allowed anywhere nearby. His other household skills were a bit of a hit-or-miss. He was really good at cleaning, but could never remember when to take the trash out. Maybe she expected him not to have any skill with plumbing or cleaning out the gutters, or using a washing machine, and to be fair he learned those all pretty quickly, but she was surprised when it turned out Killian didn’t know how to fold anything neatly. If a lightbulb went out, he usually just ignored it, lit an actual gas lantern if there wasn’t enough light. He actually had a lot of interest in how to decorate the house, but hated changing the thermostat for some reason, preferring to just wear more layers if it got cold. 

Anyway, the point was - she was pretty sure he’d be fine with the idea of family dinners, knew he’d be willing to help even if it were just via setting and clearing the table and doing the grocery shopping, but she wasn’t sure if he’d be interested in actually making the food. And more than that, she wasn’t sure he’d be any good. He had, after all, lived most of his life on ships that had actual cooks to take care of that kind of thing. It might just be something he couldn’t do.

She definitely didn’t expect the way his face lit up at the idea.

“That sounds brilliant, love,” he told her. “You’ll show me how to use everything?”

Of course she agreed, and Killian had always been a quick learner (which was why she kept finding herself surprised at the chores he never seemed to pick up). So the way she only had to explain each modern cooking implement once was not a surprise. He was good with a knife, so she put him on veggie duty, and they made a simple but tasty chicken dish. Nothing unusual, pretty much the kind of cooking she always did. Quick and easy, healthy enough, didn’t taste amazing but definitely not terrible either.

When they sat down to dinner Killian’s face did... something.

It wasn’t quite a sneer.

It also wasn’t quite not a sneer.

“Well, it’s alright,” he said.

.

Those comments became increasingly common over the next few days. Emma’s pasta sauce was “a tad runny, but not bad,” and her tacos “could use a bit more spice,” and her ribeyes were “perhaps a little too long on the stove, love?” and her Sunday morning pancakes needed “a splash more buttermilk, I suspect.” Killian wasn’t picky, he ate every bite, and he didn’t exactly nag her about her cooking. Just one or two comments, not necessarily even directed at her so much as him musing aloud about the food. But every side dish he made tasted amazing, even if it was just a simple salad, and he very clearly had opinions and it wasn’t like Emma even liked cooking all that much anyway. She’d never claimed to be a genius at it. But she’d never admitted to being bad either, and the little snubs over and over got increasingly irritating until one day she just snapped that he should be in charge of dinner then, if he cared so much.

Killian instantly looked contrite.

“I don’t want to step on your toes, love,” he said. “If you enjoy cooking - just maybe another shake of the pepper next time -”

“I don’t like cooking,” Emma snarled, “I just like eating together. Except I’m liking it a lot less when I’m constantly getting criticized!”

“Oh,” he said, a little taken aback. “Oh. Well, then.”

And then he completely took over.

It started with him making her own staple recipes, just being the one in charge of the actual meals. He told her she didn’t have to help if she didn’t want to, and Emma was pissed enough to agree that she wouldn’t. Except then the simple pan chicken she’d been making for ten years came out tasting like it never had before, and there was this sort of lemon-y sauce with it? And he’d made asparagus and some kind rice pilaf thing as well, and even though he claimed he’d just “tweaked it a little” it was so clearly a completely different meal. A better meal. Definitely.

He went through all her favorites like that, completely elevating them beyond anything Emma had ever dreamed of making herself. They took longer, of course, but unlike her he didn’t care. He’d be in there for an hour or more; she’d hear him singing sea shanties to himself as he kneaded homemade bread. Whenever she (begrudgingly, at first) complimented his cooking he’d get this very sweet smile on his face. He rarely seemed satisfied with his own efforts either, still making little comments about how it was a shame the bread had come out a little too chewy, after all -

It was ridiculous. And that was before he started trying to recreate various meals he’d eaten over the course of his long life, a wide variety of vastly different foods he cobbled together from memory and instinct alone. She started helping him out more often, definitely over her irritation at this point and dipping right into fascination. She liked to watch him think, the way he’d dip his hook into a sauce then suck on the tip with his brows knitted together, before adding a little more of some seasoning or other. Now that he was in charge and no longer holding back out of respect for her feelings - or whatever the hell he’d been doing at the start - he’d talk through his decisions. Whether that was muttering aloud about needing more garlic, or telling a long and convoluted story about the first time he’d had this particular curry in a tiny dockside tavern and then delayed leaving port until he could at least partially figure out the recipe from taste alone - thus setting off a chain of events that led directly to his first near-death experience at the hands of mermaids. When he’d come back five years later, the tavern was gone.

Their spice cabinet grew, and their fridge filled up. The pantries too, and the cooking implements, though that happened more gradually. They’d started off with a coffee machine that automatically brewed a pot every morning; five months into living together, Killian acquired a French press and, always an early riser, ground beans himself every morning as she woke up. By the time she got out of the shower and downstairs, he would hand her a cup with exactly the right temperature, flavor, and timing. This went along with the breakfast he’d made, of course.

Emma bought him a set of cookbooks for Christmas; Henry got him some kind of complicated food processor that led to a sharp increase in soups and smoothies and sauces. His repertoire increased. Instead of going to Grannies for New Year’s Eve, they had a party for their family, and Killian went all-out on making a giant feast with Emma and Henry as his hapless assistants. She tried to tell him New Year’s was really more about partying than dinner, but he insisted he didn’t care and made a roast. It was obviously delicious, everyone who hadn’t had much of Killian’s cooking yet lost their minds a little and he alternated between incredibly smug and that familiar bashful grin. Later, they had some kind of pudding for dessert, and played board games for a while until everyone had digested enough to actually move - only then did more traditional festivities commence. They drank, danced, sang, all watched the ball drop and shouted the countdown together; and Emma kissed Killian at midnight, feeling a sharp burst of joy that finally, she could have something like this. Starting a new year surrounded by those she loved, and who loved her back, laughing giddily and dancing together with her parents and her son and the man she’d fallen so so hard for.

But even that paled, honestly, to the next morning. They hadn’t bothered with attempting to clean up, just waved everyone out the door where they’d stumbled down the street in a loud, happy cluster. Emma’d sent Henry to bed, then grabbed Killian and yanked him to their bed, and they hadn’t gone to sleep right away at all. When she did eventually fall asleep, it was blissful and slow, sated in every possible way - and well into the night.

When she woke up, late, it was to an empty bed, sunlight filling up the room. Going downstairs, she heard that familiar low croon from the kitchen; stepped over the streamers still scattered on the living room floor and rounded the corner to see Henry slumped at the table, yawning over a plate of pancakes. Killian at the stove, timing his song to a flip of the newest pancake. She could see blueberries in it. Coffee and orange juice waiting for her at the table. Bacon. Three different kinds of syrup.

Emma started crying.

Henry jerked up out of his chair, rushing to her in a panic. He held her arms and called her over and over, “Mom, mom, what is it?”. Killian moved the pan off the heat so it wouldn’t burn then came over to her too, gently touching her arm. He didn’t say anything, just looked at her.

“Mom, please,” Henry said, and pulled her into a hug - and he was so tall now, so much bigger than he’d been when he found her all that time ago. “Tell us how we can help.”

She shook her head, unable to speak clearly enough to explain they already had, that absolutely nothing was wrong and it hadn’t been for a while now. She didn’t know how to tell them exactly how monumental it felt, walking in here and seeing them both calmly engaged in such a familiar routine. How she’d woken up alone and had been doing so for months and never once worried Killian was gone. She knew he was downstairs, making breakfast.

Emma didn’t know how to say this was the moment she finally realized she had made a home, found a family, and that neither was ever going to be taken away. She didn’t even know why this was that moment, after all the more significant events they’d been through. It didn’t make sense that her deepest doubts would suddenly be banished by a simple breakfast she’d had countless times before.

“You made my favorite,” she sobbed instead, hugging Henry back tightly. She pressed her cheek into his hair, reached out to catch Killian’s hand and tried to blink past her tears to meet his gaze. “I-it’s my favorite breakfast.”

So stupid. So insignificant, after everything, so small, so - so important somehow, the most important thing in the world. Killian had made her favorite breakfast. Henry was there to eat it. Emma hadn’t cooked herself or asked him to make blueberry pancakes specifically or for either of hem to share this moment with her, hadn’t done anything besides sleep in. And it didn’t matter. Here they were, and Henry was always sleepy in the mornings but affectionate still, and Killian’s cooking was delicious and he always sang during and Emma loved them both so much.

Henry held onto her tightly, swayed on the spot a little. Killian reached out to wipe away her tears. He moved his hand to Henry’s shoulder, squeezed gently until he stilled, and then touched the back of his hook gently to her cheek and leaned over Henry to kiss her. Soft and slow.

“I know, Emma,” he told her after, smiling so soft and his voice rough with emotion. Emma had no doubt that he understood exactly what she meant; that he knew just what she couldn’t say and he felt that wonder too. That same incredible contentment, somehow more stunning than the fiercest joy. “I know.”

#captain swan #cs ff #ouat #my fic #replies #anonymous #i haven't written an askbox cs fic in so long and it feels so gooood #i got really emotional with this one i dunno. not what i was thinking when i started it at all #but yes killian cooks #also i know there are tense errors and stuff. i wrote this straight into the response box and have not edited. will get to it later