#so i dont think i realise how lonely i am a lot of the time : | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

moriartyluver · 10 months

Text

FALSE LOVERS CHAPTER XI

"THANK YOU SO MUCH, Lord Moriarty. I have no more regrets. I give this life, to you.."

It had been nearly two years since William and (name) had been married and officially become husband and wife. After their honeymoon in (home country), which wasn't much of a honeymoon due to (name) constantly working to help her parents even though they didn't need her help, they had returned to England and (name) had moved in with William and his brothers, taking Josephine with her.

Currently though, (name) was in (home country). She had been for the past five months now. Alone. Well not entirely alone considering she had her closest aide with her, who was now 18 years of age, (oh how time flies. (Name) felt like a proud mother, and certainly related to her father when he had seen her for the first time in a while when she got engaged) and was there to keep her company. She was quite vague when she described what she would be doing before she left but William had deduced it would have something to do with the diplomatic relations of (home country).

The household had recently felt a lot quieter and silent following (name)'s departure. The sound of (name) and William childishly bickering over ridiculous things — although it was a lot more (name) than william — and Josephine giggling at her lady's behaviour. The nights were also lonely. Although William and (name) had agreed upon separate rooms being used, the two stayed up together frequently until they fell asleep on desks covered in papers and plans beneath the comforting warm candle light.

It wasn't just William who missed their presence though. Albert had missed going to parties full of nobles with (name), which were usually almost obligatory for the nobles with titles or their heirs, as they silently judged everyone. Louis had missed cooking and doing housework with Josephine as they both worried over their brother and mistress respectively and teaching (name), who had no experience in housework, to cook or clean.

"I'm glad I've given you hope. Would you like to try living a little longer?" William asked Michelle who looked slightly confused at his question. "Well to tell you the truth, I received a similar request from Mr baton, saying that if it was to save you, he would gladly lay down his life." He confessed.

The dark haired woman looked at her husband, warmth and comfort enveloping her as she finally realised how much her husband truly cared for her.

"Please remember you have someone dear to you."

Albert and Louis glanced at each other with a knowing look, they had both been thinking the same thing.

"Don't you want some sort of reward..?" Mrs Baton asked, feeling guilty about not having anything to give William in return if she did keep living.

"The country is full of rotten people. I want to create an ideal world for everyone. As per the contract, you may keep your lives." William smiled "Until that day I create that world, you must hold onto your lives dearly. That's an order."

The tears Michelle had been holding back had finally started spill as she gave William a melancholic smile."You stole my reason to die, and gave me a reason to live. For that I am forever grateful. I'll stay with you until my life runs out."

The couple smiled at each other, the slowly fading embers of their marriage suddenly catching flame once more.

"I see you've both made up..." the elderly woman from the market said "young professor, I would like to ask you for your advice..." William nodded for the woman to continue

"Mr baton's grapefruits dont sell well. They're too sour. What should I do?"

William gave the woman a polite smile as he granted her some advice "Let them rest for a while. The sourness should calm down."

As the three brothers left to return to their manor while the sun began to set, Albert spoke up.

"I believe that couple cherish each other dearly..it's certainly a wonder in such a disgusting world that we currently reside in." He said, although his words seemed to be implying a double meaning

A few weeks later, a letter had come in the mail addressed to William from none other than his currently absent wife. He had been receiving letters from her multiple times a week, usually consisting of (name) giving William advice on his crime consultant work or William giving (name) advice on how to deal with certain difficulties she had faced in (home country).

Each morning since she had left, the first thing William would do would be to read his wife's letters and reply almost immediately. It had become routine to him.

William took the letter from Louis with a 'thank you', rather eagerly, but Louis had grown used to his brother's newfound habit now. He opened it quickly and read through it carefully, admiring the little quirks he would see in (name)'s handwriting.

Dear William,

How did the dinner with the Baron go? I'm glad I was able to be of use to you in researching Dublin's heart medication. My father had been on a similar one recently, ( a useful coincidence) which brings me to my next point.

Before you begin writing, I must let you know that you need not reply to another one of my letters. Once this letter arrives, I shall likely be boarding the train to Durham or perhaps I'm already home with you now. Hopefully the ship arrives as soon as possible. Josephine and I are due back in England for, I believe, the 23rd of may, so expect me by Tuesday afternoon.

I apologise once again for missing your birthday, even if you do not feel particularly attached to it. I'm glad the postal services were competent enough to send you my gifts. The cane I had crafted by a sword-smith from (home country) should hopefully be a better alternative to your previous one and a lot more discreet at that. I hope that, along with the rest of the gifts and the money I had sent, are to your taste.

I look forward to seeing you once more,

Yours faithfully,

(Name)

P.s I hope when you say I plague your dreams, you aren't having nightmares of me. I'm not that scary...I think..

William hadn't known the exact date (name) would return from (home country), in fact he feared she wouldn't return at all. Coincidentally, this day in particular was the Tuesday that (name) would return to England. Thankfully he had cancelled his lecture for the day so he would be able to greet his wife at the train station in the afternoon. (Name)'s room was already set out for her, beside William's and above Josephine's room downstairs, so the preparations for her to return were already complete despite her visit to her place of birth being indefinite. If he were to use the excuse that he hadn't had his lunch yet, he could probably convince (name) to dine with him after settling into Durham.

"Brother? Are you alright? You've been staring at the letter for the past five minutes..did something happen to Lady (name)?" Louis asked with concern. He had grown to like his sister-in-law ,despite her multiple attempted murders against William, and would hate for anything negative to happen to her.

William turned to Louis and smiled "(name)'s perfectly fine. She's returned to England and is currently taking the train to London along with Miss Evans."

Louis returned the smile and nodded "I'm glad."

"William!"

(Name) waved and ran towards her husband at the train station, with Josephine following behind, repeatedly telling her to calm down. Of course, she didn't listen and continued until she tripped over her own undone shoelace.

William caught her in his arms and helped her regain her composure, allowing her to stand up straight whilst a breathless Josephine caught up.

"I..Hah..told you..my lady..you shouldn't ru..run.." she put her hands on her knees as she tried to steady her breath.

"My apologies, you're alright, aren't you, William?" (Name) asked her smiling husband who chuckled.

"I'm fine, dear. How was your journey?" He asked before noticing her undone shoelace. He sat (name) down nearby on a bench and kneeled down to tie his wife's shoelace, despite her protests before standing up and holding out his arm for her to take while they walked home.

As the couple walked back, William had filled (name) in on the case in the paper he had read of and what he had planned to do regarding it, along with informing her of the return of Moran and Fred. He had also thanked her for the birthday gifts (which were a large variety of things. William had to turn down having (name) buy him a brand new estate along with many other extravagant gifts.) she had sent him in her absence.

William had learnt, in his year of knowing (name), that she expressed her affection mainly through gift giving, so he would find it difficult to reject any extravagant gifts she would send, but the had advised her not to do instead, her main gift this year had been a little cane with a sword hidden inside. It was specially crafted and designed which he had appreciated very much and it was possibly his favourite birthday gift he had ever received. (Name)'s gifts usually held that title.

Once they had returned home and been guided to their designated rooms, William had asked (name) out to eat.

(Name) normally would have refused anything remotely romantic, but she was tired and hungry and she had promised William she would go to eat at a café or restaurant with him in exchange for missing his birthday, and besides, he was tired and he hadn't had his lunch yet. She couldn't turn him down after being gone for five months.

"I've only been here for a couple of hours but I already like Durham.." (name) said as the waiter brought them their meal "Considering we're the only noble family, it means we have more opportunities to interact with the commoners, who are a lot more down to earth than even the kindest nobles."

William nodded with a smile as he cut his fried egg "We've made some good allies in this town.." he said "All the more reason to continue making this world a better place."

"Indeed..Colonel Moran and Fred are to arrive by the evening, correct?" She asked before she sipped on her tea

"The plan has already been set in motion..everything should go according to plan.." William said "How staying with your parents, pleasant, I assume?"

"It was..father was ill for a while, although I already wrote about that in my letters," (name) said as she moved the food around on her plate "I suppose it was rather stressful though..my father works as an advisor for the royals of (home country) and so does my mother, but because he wasn't able to attend any meetings, I had to go in his stead.."

"I'm sure you did wonderfully," her husband glanced at her player and then back at his. Hers was still full of the meal she had ordered whereas his was nearly empty. "Are you feeling alright, love? You haven't eaten much.."

(Name) sighed and nodded "I'm fine..just don't have much of an appetite right now..I ate a lot on the train anyways and the journey was rather tiring"

Of course, William easily saw through this lie, but didn't directly address it and instead took her fork, picked up some of her food and flew it to her mouth, as if he were feeding a child.

"What the.." (name) muttered, leaning away. "I'm not an infant, I can feed myself."

William gave a teasing smirk "Oh, but my darling (name), you seem so tired, I, as your ever so loving husband, should help you."

The fork was still hovering against (name)'s mouth. She rolled her eyes "Not even half a day back with you and you still find a way to irritate me beyond measure" she opened her mouth, allowing William to feed her.

While she was chewing, she watched as an old lady approached them while they sat outside with a smile.

"Ah, young professor, who's this lovely lady?" She asked. It seemed she already knew him, although not enough to recognise (name) as his wife.

William held (name)'s hand in his own and smiled politely "This is my wife, I've already mentioned her previously."

The old woman's eyes widened as she looked over to the grumpy woman, who had instantly put on a facade of an elegant and loving wife and smiled. "So this is her? The famous Lady (name) Moriarty?"

(Name) smiled and looked confused "Huh- I mean, pardon?"

Ms Suzanne looked at the woman and bowed with a mischievous smile "Your husband has mentioned you a few times, he seems to very fond of you.."

(Eye colour) eyes widened then quickly returned to their previous state, flickering over to William who was avoiding eye contact. "Is that so?" She hummed with smile, masking her true intentions which were to tease William all the way home as revenge for feeding her.

Once their little date was over (with (name) pestering William regarding what he had been saying about her to the villager, yet he refused to answer, clearly flustered. Now she understood why William would tease her often, (name) realised, it was incredibly entertaining to see the reaction of the other party.

After having killed Dudley Bale, the Durham University treasurer and landowner for the sake of avenging Frida, William returned home late that night, along with Moran and Fred who had now both been taken in under the guise of being servants.

Thankfully, he had thought, there wasn't any blood on his clothes, so returning didn't cause any issues in terms of being discreet. The door to William's office was open, a slim crack between the door and the door flame, allowing the candlelight to shine through. A pale hand reached over to push the door open slowly, only to see a sleeping (name) at his desk. There was a copy of Twelfth Night that had fallen onto the floor, clearly dropped by his wife when she drifted off to sleep. He kneeled down beside her and nudged her slightly, hoping to wake her up so he could take her to bed and ask why she was there.

(Name)'s eyelashes fluttered open to reveal her (eye colour) eyes. She looked over at William and yawned tiredly "You're finally back.." she muttered

"Were you waiting for me?" He asked as (name) stretched and took her book that William was handing to her.

(Name) glared at him and returned his smile with an irritated frown "of course not..I was just reading and looking at some of the stuff you have planned for the next few weeks.."

"Ah you were just sitting in my office for no particular reason?" William chuckled and helped her up "we can discuss plans another time. You must be tired from travelling so much recently.."

" 'm not tired.." (name) was saying before being interrupted by another yawn.

"Do you want me to carry you to bed?" The blond teased "Or would you rather have me hold you in my arms whilst you sleep?"

"Hey remember what Ms Suzanne said earlier today?" The noble lady retorted, referring to the incident earlier that day "What is it you were saying, dear professor? You seem to be quite fond of your wife, sir."

"Enough of that..." Came William's stern reply, his grin now turning into a straight and annoyed face, as if their dynamic had completely swapped.

"Oh but professor, how could you say such a thing to your darling wife!"

BONUS:

The amount of servants in the Moriarty manor was slowly increasing... but..

"Hey Louis! The booze's already empty here!" Called a gruff voice. Louis turned to moran, trying to hold back his annoyance

"Mr Moran, are you feeling like a guest here..?" Louis asked the man who was lounging around on the sofa, drinking beer.

Moran smirked "What? Isn't it obvious"

Louis looked down at him "in this house, those who don't work aren't regarded as human by us." He said bluntly. A snort could be heard from a certain brunette who was cleaning a glass cabinet with a duster.

"What?!"

The blond sighed "Brother Albert is working in the military , Brother William's teaching at the university, Josephine is already good at housework and sister..I mean Lady (name) does her fair share of chores despite not being used to it while she waits for a job from Durham." Louis said "and even Fred is tending to the garden."

Moran looked out of the door to see Fred crouched besides a rose bush.

"He even picked up bullets at the bridge last night.."

"Wait I didn't come here to work as a servant!! Moran looked surprised and went to the patio where (name) and William sat together with a cup of tea. "(Name)! You're the mistress of the house! Say something...!"

"I could care less." She said, not even batting an eye as she elegantly rose her teacup to her lips. Another (louder) snort was heard.

Moran turned to her husband "William! We swore it in front of the tomb, right?!"

William smiled "Of course Moran, I'm going to hire you."

"Huuuuuh?!" Cue an even louder laugh.

"We'll take everything step by step, right?" William reasoned "so please help Louis until the next job comes"

"In the end that's still the same!!"

Louis guided the semi-drunk man away "Now come on, Mr Moran."

A/N: finally moving onto the main plot hehe. Fl seems to have warmed up to liam over the nearly two years they’ve been married aww. Of course nothing is ever easy when I’m the author so I wonder what fate may befall fl in the next few chapters 👀 😈

#moriarty the patriot #william james moriarty #william moriarty #william moriarty x reader #mtp william #yuukoku no moriarty #yuukoku no moriarty x reader #moriarty the patriot x reader #yuumori x reader

24 notes · View notes

thedarksideofthesuns · 9 months

Text

existential crisis.

i have been having an existential crisis for about 3-4 weeks now which was kickstarted by me reading The Scret History by Donna Tartt whilst I was chilling at my home country. It is a good book and i had fun with it but it kinda pulled me out of my denial and ignorance about my own life and made me realise that "wow i am starting university this september". This may and june i did my A levels only 2 months after being dumped by my first ever long term proper partner who I really loved, valued and genuinely had a good relationship with. It was a hard time but it was very busy, I was either thinking about my ex, sad about him, crying about him etc and trying to calm myself and cheer myself, or I was studying. I was studying A LOT and all other time was either spent socialising, crying about my breakup or distracting myself watching TV and stuff. So ofc i didnt think about anything. Anyways after A levels I started doing fun things. going out etc and just having a good time but i started being a little hypochondriac and getting a lot of anxiety about my health particularly a few specific sensations.

Then I went to my home country for about 2 weeks and had a good time so i lowkey forgot about all this. THEN i came back to the UK and after having read the secret history I kinda realised that shittt im going to uni and I immediately felt trapped? I felt trapped in my city, regretting my decisions not to move out and overall feeling hopeless and sad and lonely and depressed thinking I need a HUGE change in my life to ever feel better. I even researched unis I could move to through clearing perhaps. Then the hypochondria came back and it got worse I even went tot he doctor and i didnt feel reassured so much so that the panic was with me all day from the moment i woke up to when I fell asleep.

Then it was results day. Literally yesterday. I woke up and found out i got into the uni i wanted to go to. It was early and I was sleepy so the whole situation didnt register in my mind until later that day I just felt anxious and sick due to both this and the hypochondria. Then I had a panic attack which lasted quite long, probably the longest I have ever had and so I went to my mum who helped me do a little breathing exercise. Then i started bawling my fucking eyes out. I am talking sooo much crying I had a full face of makeup and it ALL came off. It wasnt about the hypochondria or the panic. I was panicking about growing up. I was crying about getting older and going to university and entering a completely new life stage. Up until now I have gone to school and even though ive been looking forward to leaving school for years now it is terrifying. TERRIFYING. So yes I am feeling existential crisis I cant tell if i want everything to stay the same or change but i think in life things stay somewhere in between. I dont like being older and discussing adult things i think i am avoiding that I am older. I just want to stay youthful, hopeful and curious and I want to stay loving and soft. I am just scared of the world and change. I am also aching for change in a way.

i am sharing cause i looove when others share stories like this online so why not!!!!! i will for sure inform yall here on this accont how everything progresses and we can look back on this post with the power of retrospect soon (not too soon hopefully)

#mental health #recovery #bpd #ocd #hypochondria #existential crisis #existential #change #i cant handle change #university #the secret history #donna tartt #dark academia #academia

2 notes · View notes

swordfaery · 1 year

Text

Hiii i was tagged by @protectoroffaeries

Rules: shuffle your ‘on repeat’ playlist and post the first 10 tracks, then list 10 songs you really like, each by a different artist. then tag 10 people to do the same thing.

i wanted to talk about everything so im putting it all under a readmore

on repeat:

good girls don't get used by beach bunny (ok so i listen to a lot of beach bunny. like a lot. i dont know why but it has that bpd swag and literally no else feels this theyre like its just cookie cutter straight girl music and Maybe It Is but i like. big fan of sports also would not surprised if that also crops up)

crooked teeth by death cab for cutie (this is my current favourite song. literally i hear it n im like hehe my song, n idk why i dont really like any of their other stuff)

steady, as she goes by the raconteurs (this is just bcos i like indie rock)

what went down by foals (ok. ok. this FUCKING album i have so many emotions about im like wow this album is literally about me for real and it is not in the slightest but anyway if you also like it talk to me about it im always like i am going to ANALYSE THE SHIT out of this album n ill get to like. birch trees n realise i dont know shit about music i just like the way the repeating motif combines with the sense of regret and going back to ur roots n shit)

up to no good by the hoosiers (literally i just love the undulating instrumentals in this ESPECIALLY the intro)

like sexy dynamite by orion expirience (im such a slut for orion expirience i love all their jazzy stuff n again. feels bpd coded n idk why potenially just the art of writing a song about being obsessed with someone and all the emotions in music are kinda close to how my intense bpd times feel. sorry ive been trying to tone down my bpd talk bcos i think its not helpful or fun for anyone but w music its like. oh this is bcos im boarderline this is bcos im boarderline. this post is gonna be so long im so sorry i will tag it)

chevvy thunder by spector (im just a big fan of this it goes so hard n the. suicide fakeouts w the enjambment really fuckin. i just love it)

goodbye mr a by the hoosiers (again. hoosiers got a great sound)

curses by the crane wives (musically very intersting i love the up n down of it idk how to explain it but it feels like sort of. a bobbing kinda dance)

little dark age by mgmt (i tried to get into dubstep bcos of donnie from rise tmnt. i do not know what dubstep is. it isnt this)

like all by different artists. this doesnt have to be different from artists in the og list right? i hope not

dance music by the mountain goats (i discovered this song like yesterday and oooh boy)

supermassive black hole by muse

lonely hunter by foals (again. what went down album. iconic. this one has the line love is not a gun in your hands though and aughhh)

i dare you by the regrettes (literally just a delightful love song that isnt about being gay but i think it is)

the main character by will wood (bpd)

cold weather by glass beach (bpd)

oh girl your the devil by mika (the no place in heaven album is fucking. chefs kiss. im obsessed with its like being gay, religious trauma, pop but with a funky style. incredible)

bad idea by girl in red (im just gay and make bad sexual decisions)

i dont care by fall out boy (bpd)

moth man by dirty bynam (this one is just fun)

okayyy im tagging @phantomxblood @teddybear-tebbydear @lemondoddle @alfredolover119 @lasilhouetteinbianco @jamesspidercat @kirkwords @thatsrightzoeyeyye @morgan-is-here @bookshelpwithmysocialanxiety

#im so sorry that this is ten million words long i really like talking about music

3 notes · View notes

mean-hare · 2 years

Text

august and september parts of my eddiary, as shitty as always but I need to put these notes somewhere so let it be here

part 4

august, 1 i had a lot of energy and almost no appetite. i cleaned my room, rearranged toys, watched movies, and even talked with danny. unusually good day

august, 2 i cant find my fav cheap and tasty 0kcal cola-like soda. now i should spend my money on more expensive cola to drown my inner self in it

august, 3 actually i spend money my mom give me. i have no job and maybe never will have. i am too nervous, too mad, too inacurate and too depressed for it. all days long i only draw shit, watch movies and go to market to spend money on junk foodd to harm my body or to throw up and on drinks to replace food with them. sometimes i buy toys or stickers but most of time theyre way too expencive

august, 4 i watched stupid comedy film with lot of stereotypic cliches and draw danny in various clothes and poses. i dont think ill show him, it looks like he dont want to talk with me again. our friendship may lookunhealthy but the only guy who blame and harm me there is me myself

august, 5 i woke up after 1hour long sleep, i used to sleep in late morning hours but today i couldnt. me and my mom arrived by the bus to the beregszasz town. its pretty close to the hungarian border and many people there talk in hungarian. i love it i dont really remember what i ate but not too much i think. i was feeden by emotions of homelike language. and also i wanted an energy drink all the time and finally got it

august, 6 days in town were and will be full of eating like a human being i think. i try to feel myself alright and try tasty meals in cafe. i love cafes. palacsintas, waffles, icecream, milkshakes, pizza. i walk with fluffy doggy bagpack, i have notebook and water in it. this child just need to have fun

august, 7 my mom realised how much energy drinx i drink per day and she doesnt like it

august, 8 i walked alone aimlessly down the hot towns streets with a can in my hand. streets was empty most of time. just one grumpy man called me an animal while walked in opposite direction. i donk know what he meant by that. and some granny said to me "its so hot, eh". i draw ppls attention to myself involuntary, as always

august, 9 wow much zero coke i drank here! there was a market with the cheapest cola cans i ever saw in past 3 years

august, 10 i just hope that many hours of intense sweating and headbanging to breakcore in headphones while sitting in hurrying bus back to a city burns a lot of calories but i cant stop it anyways

august, 11 still not enough sleep, overwhelmed by all the information i wanted to consume (pointless but interesting) few minutes ago, gnawed by a loneliness online and offline, all this shit led me to (obviously!) very stupid binge

august, 12 lived this day not better nor worse, just average boring

august, 13 hey you. they created a big pack of chips for a big merry company, not for lonely asshole with eating problems like you

august, 14 corpsey greenish moon gazing thru the night haze, pale as pus, menacing like in dying

august, 15 i walked down to the market to buy cheap icecream and cheap cola. bazaar near it was closed due to evening hours and there were no people on the ways between the iron and concrete walls. somehow liminal

august, 16 things went not perfect but better that could be. i decided to spend last money on energy drink instead of bag of cornflakes

august, 17 i started my day with nausea because of sound of fucking drills (my mysophonic panic), found and ate some pain killers, burned my mouth with spicy junk dinner and pointlessly fooled around my room till morning affected by another bunch of cola and energy drink

august, 18 i bought a pink plastic horse. brutal metalhead in toyshop looks hilarious. brutal metalhead who buys pink horsey looks very hilarious. i saw this toy almost year ago and i couldnt forget here sinse then. that mare looks special. most toys has neutral faces or slight calm smile on them. but that sassy gal had really bitchy moody face with grinned teeth. and finally i got her and feel no regrets. at least i knew what i want.

august, 19 i was at first time in little village house my dad bought for himself. it was simple boring house with almost no furniture beyond the kitchen and i think it never will be interesting because my dad loves stupid boring monochroom minimalistic design with wooden details. parents, sister and their friend went to a backyard to roast sausages. i dont eat meat so all the time i read library book or played with lil green car toy i found in this house

august, 20 you know who am i? i am a person who dont look like one who has an ed. i am a boy who look like a girl. am i? i trust the liars and suspect when people tell me the truth. im looking like cool adult with interesting life but im still that ugly child who feels itself the worst way posiible everyday.

august, 21 im into gabber music sometimes and i think it would be fun to learn hakken dance. i also want to dance tectonic, c walk, lezginka and csardas. but i dont know how to and dont think i can do in. i like dancing sometimes. but my body often feels to heavy and clumsy to move

august, 22 i failed. but at least i tried. but how i failed!

august, 23 parents leaved this city before ukrainian independence day because they thought that russia will throw much more bombs here and my mom was afraid. i stay because i dont want to go with them and better spend time here with movies and tumblr than in their boring little village with them for 2 days long. so i chilled all day along with few liters of caff drinx and little annoying kitten

august, 24 it was another chilling day alone. i bought some drinx again (but one l less than yesterday bc i a little nauseous of already consumed caffeine), i even find a little purple cheap pony toy and bought it. today was really more air alarms than other days but as i know nobody was killed (i may be wrong, i dont watch news)

august, 25 this normal late night i was ready to drowse with john frusciante songs in cold laptop light but suddenly i saw some movement on my bed. i saw one tiny TIC. i dont afraid insects but the tics. they are the main reason why i almost never walk in the forest. today i even didnt go anywhere but this little shit somehow appeared here. i took a piece of paper, kill and throw into a sink. im shocked

august, 26 i had one little job of redacting one little text. (i cant even call it freelance job, it was more like accident job) anyway i got some little money and spent it all on a toy. beautiful blue plastic toy dog. and unique rare (in this country) energy drink in beautiful 500ml can. im so glad, i smiled like an idiot all day. so cute doggyyyyy…. but now i have no money and no food

august, 27 my mom was concerned that i eat nothing but the junkfood. well i dont find other food tasty and dont want to choke on awfull tasting meal. parents went to the bazaar while i sleep (before 3 pm) and bought the boring fruits and disgusting vegs. now kitchen stinks because of beefroot

august, 28 i buyed pepsi black, cheap blue erergy drink bottle and some little wafers. when i went back some 12yo(i guess) teens laughed at me because i had an "emo" pin. i am probably the only emo in this city, its kinda sad

august, 29 my dear friend danny despise and rejects me. im going to starve myself to death

august, 30 i will never be ready for the cruel words from the last person i love. i cant stay sane after that.

august, 31 i watched the famous film "pianist". theres a melody the main character plays, chopins nocturn do diez minor or something like that. i cried because danny loves this melody. just because of that. stared with teary eyes at the screen, then tears went dry, i forgot about everything and watched that movie. and at the end he played that nocturn again. and i cried again, i couldnt stop, i cried till the end of the movie, cried after the end, cried painfully endlessly and was disgusted by my reaction. i watched a beautiful and sad film about loss and real suffering completely tearless but cried like an idiot just because of that damned melody just because my cruel friend loves it.

part 5

september, 1 sadness, yearning and envy driving me bad, my thin body will be a product of pain and limbo

september, 2 my dad is sick and stay at this house. i dont leave my room mostly. i dont want to be in same room with him. not that he is so bad, most of ppl considers him as good man. he just exhaust me without knowing it, we like a different species that cant live together without problems

september, 3 autumn is always fast in this city and september started with cold weather as always. i took a long walk. i love long walks when its cold and dusky, i just need money to buy something at the middle and end of my way. it makes me confident. i walked near the park that everybody call "a forest", i walked near abandoned shacks that once were paychecks, i swinged on wet swings and i felt better than yesterday (tbh i cant remember how i felt yesterday). i found a market near the "forest" there were many foreign items. i bought few cans of drinks and realised that only one had calories. i also boulgt a clipper. i dont smoke, i just love flame and that clipper was cool, black, with skull and "love dead" written under it. thats so relevant and relitable shit for me, even that funny mistake is symbolical

september, 4 i cant concentrate on reading, on every thing, everything is blurry, my head isnt working right, my stomach is hurting all day

september, 5 successfully restricted. i found the place where hobos live. theres some concrete blocks near the school and small church. i bought few drinx and sat on blocks to chill and drink one of them (one with watermelon taste) and then i hear harsh voise underneath these blocks: "fucking teens! get the fuck out from here!!"

september, 6 i saw so perfect boy working in the market. how thin he was and how delicate. i bought few cool zero cal drinks: barr soda with icecrem taste, cola, foreign cherry lemonade. i saw him once, he is cashier there, his name is volodimir and thats all i know about him. he reminds me lead singer of emo band marakesh, he doesnt looks alt at all but he is thin like an anorexic emoboy. i like him not judt because of it, he isnt just another thinspo stranger. i think about him constantly. i feelin like i love him and its stupid, very stupid. i dont know him and i dont think id talk with him someday, i am too bad for people, unatractive. and i dont talk. i am silent always.

september, 7 i only drank some dairy and took random quizes on idrlabs. almost all of them told me that i have mental problem

september, 8 i went to the market with my dad. it was wery strange, liminal experience. there were not many items and almost no people around. it was 9:30 pm. of course i binged (first time this week) but it was not the worst of my binges, and i throwed up some of it. perhabs it was tiring. my back hurts now.

september, 9 ate the rest of snacks and cokes and feelin really shit

september, 10 every day is so same, timewasting, tumblr and movies, day after day and times goes by so senseless, and what should i do, what else can i do? you are lucky if you have friends, if you have someone to spend some time with.

september, 11 its something like an instinct of bear. i bought sweet and greasy food but ate only bag of chips and 4 cookies. soon i felt asleep in unusual early hours, 10 pm or something like that, just lied under blanket in sweater and socks and jeans, i didnt take my clothes off. im feeling cold everyday and sleepy

september, 12 i drank low cal milk and black tea. then i ate jogurt with plums. and again milk. 900 kcals i started this dusky day with movies, not really good ones. then i just browsing aimlessly. talked with my friend danny. thought that he maybe loves me despite some of some of his earlier very mean messages, today he was kind. i send him pic of hobo who lays on concrete under the blanket and hugs his dog and wrote "we?". he answered "we". i said ":3". he also said ":3 i want to sleep more

september, 13 i wanted to eat nothing today but then i wanted to eat something and its bad. only good thing is my mom learned how to make low fat fries

september, 14 i woke up and ate homemade cookies and i even dont know their kcal values then i fall asleep. then i woke up and only drank tea and watched boring movie. im ill, i cant think

september, 15 good things: i restricted i found funny gypsy song about weed danny said something fummy to me (i forget what) i watched "the boys" bad things: i feel shit every minute my memory is getting worse and i forget everything (i forget)

september, 16 im sick. im cold. im coughing. im always irritated. every fuckin day i wake up in sweat, eat too much, feel like a shit and almost dead

september, 17 warm homemaid plain food, milk with honey, hot tea. common things. i probably loosing many calories when coughing that hard. it feels like someones heavy boots strongly kicking my ribcage

september, 18 spicy chips was the only food i didnt regret after consuming it. surprisingly it made my sore throat less sore for some time and made the pain weaker. but other food was ugly mistake, used again to fill that permanently rotting void, all in vain

september, 19 today after piglike eating i understood that every time i try to eat vegan it ends up with massive gross binge. maybe veganism is not an option for person who hate every vegan food option but few fruits that cant make body full

september, 20 mmy belly scrached by all the claws of mine, painted in shiny dark color. i will never be normal or alright, i kmiw it well.

september, 21 i am eaten by sorrow. i am gnawed by grief. why dont you understand me, dont you mind. why dont you listening to me?

september, 22 i wasnt in my room all day from 11 am til 9 pm. it started with a sound of drill and i leave the house bc i cant stand yhe sound of drill. it was there all that time so i couldnt back. i bought cheap bottle of blue energy drink in local market and went to auchan. it located at the very city edge. i walked familiar path thru the field when suddenly there appears the huge fuck. the fucking giant bog spot. it took me half of hour to find my way through. but i did it and i came to the market with boots full of mud and singing the cotton head joe i needed to waste more time so i walked many shops with toys, books, decor art supplies and other. then i spent some money for diet cheap cream soda, energy drinks, some little sweets, black nail polish and spicy chips. i sat at the 1 floor, ate chips and read book from library about pianist with heterohromia. then i walked down the trace down the one of the longest streets in this city. my backpack was heavy because of few litres of drinks, books and notebooks and ome other unknown items. i walked near the bus station where were many people and fat mongrels wanted to sniff me. then i walked in unknown part of the road, lost behind plattenbauen. there were bricks and trees and weird wet trees (today every plant was wet) and cat. i saw one very ugly and attractive buildind, i cant explain why it makes me like that. it looked like theres livevery marginalized and wrathful people and it looked like it slightly burned some time ago. i am obsessed with this one now. i walked those unknown beutiful decaying post soviet streets sometimes stopped to take photos and drink and the sky became darker and more gray. the sky became dark evening. and it started to rain, the downpur. i still walked that longest streets but i turned to its more popular and lighted part and waited for the bus at the buss stop. i was a little tired by the weight of my bag, i could walk some more but i didnt really liked the idea to wear wet clothes when 5 km far from my room. so i returned by the bus. when i walked last few metres to my house i quickly became wet and rain was pouring the rest of the day and all night long

september, 23 another boredom shopping and boredom eating, nothing new. my legs still hurt after yesterday i talked with one guy online about my yesterday walk and i searched that fucked building in google maps and found it. i also tried to find some information about it or at least photos but found nothing but the ad about selling room and private massage salon that may be no longer exist. i started feel paranoic feeling that theres something hiddden there. i thought that someones hides it, maybe to cover places that may be considered by strangers as repulsing, ugly, revolting, to show only fine, good or at least ok=ish places of the city. some may show some good buildungs in bad state with "the dark side of the city" and "scary and dangerous places in lviv" but it will still be something pop and plain and known. i feel that many dont know and dont find and some are hide.i feel that theres something tremedous in That building, something that should be found and shown, something that hidden by someones. i still feel that. well, i can be right or it can be just my paranoia or delusion.

september, 24 too many liquid calories.but also activities to burn it. i was in the countryside today where my grandfather live. i was climbing trees, picking fav sour apples, stinged by nettle, gathering wallnuts, shivering at cold autumn evening. some new bruises on my knees, it feels like a childhood

september, 25 i talk with danny, my last friend. i know that he is not really good friend but i have no one by my side. he is the only person who makes me feel loved even if in rare. sometimes he kind. sometimes he tries to understand what im sayin, sometimes he tries to be a good friend. i still love him. anyway i am much worse friend than him

september, 26 very gross binge on healthy food 1

september, 27 very gross binge on healthy food 2. fuck the healthy food

september, 28 i saw my almost naked body in the mirror at night when went to the bathroom. i was shocked by how ugly i am. i dont want to see it again. now i dont take my clothes, i sleep in jeans and sweater. i didnt wash myself for few weeks because seeing this body naked is really awfull and i cant stand it. i know its gross but i dont even contact with people so who cares. i hide my body from myself under clothes, i avoid looking in the mirrors and reflections. i dont want to see this body, i dont wwant myself.

september, 29 i dont remember what i ate thru tis day, but not too much i think. kitten ronald felt from the window. my mom ran down and pick he up. he is scared and meows painfully sometimes cus he broke his leg. he will be taken to the vet.

september, 30 average day. average restriction, average food intake bc theres so much normal food. average time killing. i dont feel good, nor bad. i dont feel…i dont care about anything, just nothin

#mhwnbcb #ed bllog #male ed #ed life #mental disorder #stupid #bpd #disorder

3 notes · View notes

jekyllnahyena · 2 years

Note

1 and 7 for Lockup?

ello my dude!! thx for askin me stuff, i love answering these >:D oh, it's this question thingie

rightio, Lockup, ma boi, lets do this!

Who are they closest to? How did they meet and what do they like to do together?

I'd say, during the war at least, it's Jackal. Lockup doesn't get close to people, he kinda doesn't know how to? Ok, so, Lockup was very close with his batch on Kamino and he lost every single one of them over his time there, which has left him in a bad enough state that he started completely shutting off and practically only lives to function. Which has made him into a considerable force in pretty much every way, but also very lonely and emotionally stunted. He has his moments where he breaks, where he'll sit down and realise again just how bad his situation is, but he shuts it all off pretty fast because it's in the way of him, basically, functioning. Jackal is his general and comes in because he's forced to get close to them. I talked about it a bit, but the way Jackal communicates on the battlefield, is via projecting their words n thoughts into people's mind. They're deaf and can't do anything with the coms. Lockup is thus forced to let down his mental shields, which absolutely terrified him beyond reason at the start. So for the first time in ages, Lockup has somebody that actually is there with him, a person he does not have to fear losing because Jackal is the equivalent of a freighttrain if I'm being honest, a person he let's himself trust without the constant fear of failure and death. Somebody that gives him the freedom to act however he wants, because Jackal is general in name but nothing else. And he slowly starts building himself up because of it (like the pink thing. very much Lockup finding himself). And he comes to trust Jackal because of it and at some point 'general' becomes 'Jackal' becomes 'buir'. It's very fucked up, but Lockup is the happiest in life during the war. Because he stops existing just to function, but to live. And Jackal plays a big part in letting himself realise a chance to do so. They were never the one to save him, or give him his freedom or any of that. But they are a stable figure that he'd let himself trust in for the first time in years, which is enough for him to claw himself out a lot of stuff because he's inhumanly strong and keeps fighting. He starts getting close with his battalion, his vode, the padawans, and even other commanders. But he is closest to Jackal I think, because of their start, the way they start working together, the build of trust, the fact that they are the one he can lean on without feeling guilt and fear for it, all that jazz. It's a bond started in pragmatism that turns into love. For his favorite thing to do with Jackal, I'm not really that sure? He's currently in the way of even learning what he likes, so it's difficult to gauge that? He enjoys sparring with them, or doing lightsaber training with them, or fighting with them. It's a 'i dont know who i am but that doesn't matter when i'm with you' situation. So I don't really know how best to formulate this, but I think his favorite thing to do with Jackal would be 'living'? Because he let's himself.

7. What are 3 foods they can’t live without?

Lockup, in the name of finding stuff he likes, has tried an ungodly amount of food every chance he gets. Hold anything even remotely food like in front of him, he'll eat it. He really, really enjoys Centershocks which are basically a terribly sour monstrosity of gum that has a very sweet middle. Kazoo gave him one once to see if it would get a reaction. It didn't really, but Lockups eyes started kinda glowing so now the battalion keeps a stach around. They love their weird commander so much. Lockup starts keeping some in his belt and yes, he has put an armlock on someone trying to steal his. He likes sour stuff generelly, it gives him a sorta funky kick. He also really enjoys a very weird coffee, sugar, caramel, chocolate connoctation that he somehow managed to turn pink. It keeps him awake, he gets a slight sugar rush, and he enjoys the taste. He's the only one to have ever touched it because in all honesty, it looks almost radioactive. Nobody knows how he did it. And last, on one mission he ate one very weird, very spicy lizard stew. He only at it once, but he gets really bad cravings for it and plans to return to the planet the chance he gets. He loves that stew more that certain people. It haunts his dreams.

#commander lockup #jackal #captain kazoo #this turned very funky and weird at the end #thx so much for asking!!!#ajekyllsask

3 notes · View notes

ilikemilkbread · 2 years

Text

i was thinking for a long while about whether there would be any purpose to me making a "goodbye" post here, considering i barely talk to anyone here anymore nor have i really had anyone i used to talk to reach out to me

but. i kinda want to. just to use tumblr to talk about myself for one last time. and say that final goodbye. except not final lmao

its been 6 months since the last time i reblogged a post. which is weird to think about. its been longer since i was actually active here. its been longer since i last talked to a mutual. oops. i still definitely value the people ive met here, but... i just stopped using this site. its hard to talk to people if you arent using the same platforms for communication

to a big block of text that may actually comment on things:

im doing a lot better now.

across a lot of my time on tumblr, i think ive come across as an often vitriolic person. i most likely was a vitriolic person. i spent ALL of my teenage years on this site, and my teenage years were some of my outright worst. i used tumblr as an escape from that, but i allowed my emotions to spill across. i talked negatively about things often (because i couldnt vent to people in real life). i often outright criticised things i knew my mutuals liked. i would be dismissive and negative about topics for the sole reason of hoping that it would be enough to make a mutual unfollow me. i gained some sort of sick validation from that feeling. its weird to think about. its weird to know how much i cared about these interactions with people i barely knew

lately, ive moved away from online spaces. a bit. ive probably spent way too much of my time on youtube watching study content and fucking discrete mathematics guides lmao. but ive done less doom scrolling. i dont really know what shows are popular anymore, and im fine with that

the biggest change that helped me, i think, was finding other queer people. my university has a queer collective. ive never been more blessed to know such people

i also met my beautiful boyfriend there.

university has treated me kindly. now that were back in-person, ive been thriving. my current units are... something, but i find computer science as a whole thrilling. ive had the opportunity to interview for some related roles (mainly lvl 1 helpdesk lmao) and its been an overall fascinating experience (yes im still a first year shhhh)

with the assistance of a friend, ive found a nearby clinic that does hrt currently accepting new patients. if you know the state of trans healthcare within australia, finding a place accepting new patients is HARD. i am endlessly grateful to my friend for informing me of the clinics status. ideally, ill be starting hrt soon

but. mostly, ive come so much further than i thought i ever could. im out in a small community, and im going by my chosen name in many circles. ive cut my hair off. i have a boyfriend who is part of the queer community himself (though cis) who accepts me. i NEVER thought i would have this opportunity pre-transition.

and my queer friends i have found in life. there is beauty in community. i care so much about all of them. i didnt realise how lonely and isolated i was, as a trans person not knowing any other queer people.

my life has changed for the better. this post exists solely so i can ramble about that.

im probably not going to delete my tumblr. its still too useful for when i need to find certain things from my past. but i wont post regularly ever again.

maybe ill do another long ramble-post if something important happens in the future.

1 note · View note

abstractshit101 · 5 months

Text

Somedays you miss home a little extra. Today is one of the day and yesterday was too n the day before that n the one before that… yep i have been missing home a lot. My home consists of my parents, my sister and my boyfriend. I have not been able to talk to anybody in the past few weeks. I miss how my mom used to care for me, how we fought about every lil thing. I miss how my dad used to tell me to do this that relentlessly for my betterment but i never used to listen to him. I miss how my sister used to take care of me when i got ill. I miss how soumya and I used to talk, spend the whole day together, i miss the first time that we kissed, the first time i felt him, i miss how he hated the fact that i was going so far but never said that to my face. I miss how he stayed throughout the night when i was ill, how he is the only one who can calm me down and make me sleep when i panic. I miss how i can say literally anything to these people without thinking. When you are at someone else’s house, you have to think everything twice like am i being a burden by staying here, should i wake them cause i have high fever or cause my throat is paining so bad that its taking the life out of me. I dont have to think this when I’m home. I know i can wake my parents in the middle of the night and they would instantly start worrying about me and then they would ask me to just sleep with them, hug me and kiss me. I miss that kind of affection. Being alone is damn hard especially when you are an introverted person and have only few close people that you talk to. Its hard for me to let anybody all in, to be free with them. It takes time to develop a bond. Idk if I’ll make good friends here. I hope i do. I really hope i do. I will still miss the comfortability of my home. It is so true that when something is taken away from you then only you realise its true value. Its very true. I feel like in the past week, everything got suddenly snatched away from me. I still feel it. I hope this gets better. 15 days more. My heart is clenching again n again like getting stiffed. I feel lonely.

0 notes

jpoaulransahl · 1 year

Text

#16

i return.

that's the bio for my new instagram id which i have created after realising how left out, alienated i felt. i don't feel those emotions anymore but now i fear my social media use will skyrocket. i enjoy posting my own memes on this account and they have been met with great reception.

it's been exactly 50 days since i was last here, a lot has happened

one of my seniors at college likes how i play so he got me in his club which is playing in one of the best leagues in my city. i am yet to produce a memorable performance but i think that day is coming closer and closer.

i have realised my self hatred is no longer existent and that i don't need to run from physical contact anymore. i do sometimes feel like i've found happiness, not just when i'm looking at pretty sunsets or when i save an absolute worldie in a football match but also when i'm climbing stairs or just walking. i feel like i'm a lot more grateful now. i'm starting to like these mirrors. i'm still as socially anxious and it does affect my performances on the pitch and my self esteem.

i have found some people i really am fond of, at college, who don't make me feel more lonely than i already am. among them, there is a girl i like. i dont think i've ever felt better about love. it's more than just an infatuation. i'm doing well with her and i think the feeling is mutual. i still don't know if i should ask her or not. maybe she's just being friendly. i don't know. but my cheeks remain rosy. and pink blossoms stand tall in my head. i do fear she's already dating or has dated a friend before but we'll figure it all out.

my previously sucidal friend is still not doing well, from the looks of it. i really hope he gets better. to see the cuts on his forearm breaks my heart. i wish i was more vocal about my fondness of him. i'll do so much to see him glad

i got another gig, i get to teach a 4 year old football. i should be paying them for this. i absolutely love football and so do i kids. it's fantastic. and he's marvellously cute. his birthday is fast approaching and i don't know what to get him.

exams are soon approaching and i might fail statistics at this rate but i'm studying and am confident. don't you worry, we'll be there.

i have fallen out of a friendship as well. he started smoking. i understand he had a breakup but to blame the girl on his new addiction was wrong. i remember him since a long time. we go long back. both him and i go so long back. but i can't let nostalgia be a part of a something that should be amputated. he's going down and i don't wanna stick around for that. he's become toxic. he still is not taking any responsibility for any of his actions or mistakes and gets defensive when one tries to let him know. his best friend (also my ex) has tried a lot and it's taken a toll on her. she's trying to distance herself from him now. i hope she feels better. as for this friend i've almost let go, i hope something makes him change his ways.

time is a beautiful thing, cruel to some and a boon to others. i feel like i have made it. i'm still a student and don't have a job-job but i have made it. i feel fulfilled. all my insecurities and problems make me me but that's no excuse for me to stay the same way. i will change for the better, and when you'll be reading this, maybe 3 days, 17 days, 5 months or 17 years later, you'll see how time would have eroded you. how there are wrinkles on your forehead and hand and your youthful stride has retired.

0 notes

w-stote · 1 year

Text

J'ai publié 723 fois en 2022

C'est 600 billets de plus qu'en 2021 !

27 billets créés (4%)

696 billets reblogués (96%)

Les blogs que j'ai le plus reblogués :

@alphaweeb

@skywalker42

@mrkarkalicious

@mooksmookin

@natroze

J'ai étiqueté 36 billets en 2022

#19天 - 2 billets

#rant - 2 billets

#asexual - 2 billets

#i am just irrationally angry at the moment - 2 billets

#i am into something i think - 2 billets

#genshin impact - 2 billets

#me rambling - 2 billets

#for writing purposes - 2 billets

#19 days - 2 billets

#the silmarillion - 1 billet

Longest Tag: 63 characters

#the only thing i can do is wait on the phone that never answers

Mes billets vedette en 2022 :

n°5

Ok so everyone know about the meme that every popular artist has their NSFW art side account. And in my mind it makes sense. NSFW shit is usually weird position and nude character involving more than one character so of course drawing lot of that can improve your art... So I kinda wanna try that.. like the NSFW side account thing to help me with my drawing skills. Because why not? Anything to improve my skills. But then I remember I am a most-of-the-time-sex-repulsed asexual. I might have a problem with that idea...

5 notes - publié le 7 août 2022

n°4

HOW TO COP IN 4 MINUTES I NEED TO GO BACK TO WORK

7 notes - publié le 1 janvier 2022

n°3

Ayaka and thoma being best friend

I think its already well established for the one that doesnt ship ayaka with thoma that like... they are both fruity, but what about the fact that thoma is pratically Ayaka's maid and that Ayaka is pretty lonely? Well let's combine the two together! Thoma has become over the time Ayaka's confident and closest friend.

headcanons under the cut :3

i dont think there is a precise moment that Ayaka and Thoma became best friends.. or even friends.

Like the Kamisato family "adopted" Thoma when he was still young and Ayaka was still a kid too.

So they pretty much grow old together. At first it was a really distant relationship. The one of a child learning to be a noble and the one of a childe learning to be a servant.

But then Ayato started to make sure that Thoma still had fun

he is still a kid/teen after all

Then they started to talk a litle bit more... and more importantly play together...

the other maids and servants where always speaking about how cute they were together and how well mannered Thoma was around Ayaka

in fact the well manneredness came from a place of not wanting to hurt Ayaka. He had no trouble to see her strentgh and that she could take Thoma's full force.

but Ayato was scary when his sister was hurt

playing over the time started to change into training.

technically being a servant Thoma didn't have the "right" to train at the same level as the Kamisato heirs.

but again Ayato played his card and made sure that Thoma was well educated and trained

Thoma was grateful and he did his best to learn as much as possible

he even started to get ambitious. and thats how he became a housekeeper as well as a fixer

NOW BACK TO HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH AYAKA

(sorry for the outburst i am just very excited about this part)

OK so over the years Ayaka realised how lonely she was with no friends and just her duty and limited power in her hands

Thoma comforted her many times when the pressure was too much or that the solitude was unbearable.

she helped him too, making sure homesickeness was healed by importing mondstat specialities or bringing him wherever he wanted to go in inazuma

but they didn't really called themselves friends.

that made people speculating things... two young persons being so close to each other and not calling themselves friends? must be romantic feelings involved.

but then Ayaka met the traveler

she realised what friendship meant and that Thoma and her were friends.

She started to be more honest with Thoma and talking about things she only thought in the past...

like gossips she heard.. or secrets she found in the archives of the kamisato's

Thoma fueled the rumors she provided with things he heard on the street or with the other housekeepers

At some point they started talking about love. But not between them

Voir l'intégralité du billet

13 notes - publié le 26 mars 2022

n°2

Ok so everyone is screaming about tianshan and like i get it BUT LEARNING ABOUT JIAN YI'S FATHER IS MORE IMPORTANT FOR ME!!! I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YEARS

23 notes - publié le 3 décembre 2022

Mon billet n°1 en 2022

Chiluc hc part 4? :)

(I had an writer block for the past 2 month I am trying to beat it into submission)

_______________

I have this idea of Diluc going to Snezhnaya to beat some fatui everytime a mild inconvenience happen in his life or in Mondstadt in general

Adelaide is sick? That's the fatui's fault

The grape harvest wasn't that good? Elzer is ready to see Diluc leave to kick some fatui's ass

Flora didn't sell enough flower? Must be the fatui

Bennett has been missing for 5 days? Those damn fatui!

The stray cats in the city had not been fed enough?! Diluc is already in the snow fighting some fatui.

Needless to say. Diluc is more often that not in Snezhnaya

And the fatui's after the 3rd wave this MONTH are starting to not have enough men to fight him.

So they turn to the Tsaritsa

She has someone in mind to take care of this strange man screaming vengeance in the Snezhnayien tempest.

(she knows damn well it's diluc because of dottore talking to her about him)

She has a harbinger that has the fighting spirit of one hundred men and the battle capabilities of fifty generals.

So she send him the moment she hear about the stranger coming back

Childe was thrilled to have a fight that left him breathless and heartful.

He never won. But somehow, the stranger left every time after winning.

He didn't fight or killed anymore fatui.

Once the harbinger was down and ready to use foul Legacy, Diluc would pull a trick that made Childe impossible to move long enough for the red haired man to leave the battle ground

Only to come back weeks after

Since the first fight, Childe could reach out to those red locks only in his dream.

Until he could. For real.

Those red hair falling all around them. Creating a curtain of intimacy in the little bedroom of an inn lost between two icy mountains.

It is funny when Childe remembers it.

That night. Something had shifted during combat. The blow against him were hitting harder than usual. He knew something was askew

But how could he stop himself?

Finally his opponent that won all the previous fights was hitting like never before.

How could Childe not fight back as hard and as ferocious as dying lion?

So Childe fought back like the dying lion he wasn't.

Voir l'intégralité du billet

39 notes - publié le 10 juillet 2022

Obtenez votre année 2022 en revue sur Tumblr →

#tumblr2022 #année en revue #mon année tumblr 2022 en revue #votre année tumblr en revue #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

1 note · View note

cvntyblogger · 3 years

Text

okay, im trying to say this in the most non-offensive way possible. i've been thinking about how much i dont want kids in the future because, well, i've never found the idea of pregnancy and taking care of children particularly appealing. to me, parenthood should include being with your child quite a lot and that sounds emotionally taxing and bad for the mental health of adults who are already stressed out due to their tedious jobs (capitalism am i right?). now, if theres one thing we know, it is the fact that most parents till date have not been all-round responsible to have kids, but due to irrational things like societal pressure or 'kids are cute 🥺', they've have them. i made a post earlier about how complicated relationships with your parents are, and i didnt expect it to blow up, but it did, and the fact that more than 74 thousand people can relate is not okay. to clarify, i dont come from an abusive household, i was simply talking about the (emotional) damage parents can do to their kids without even realising. so yeah, im safe, fyi lol.

About what i was saying: my sister once told me that people have kids for selfish reasons as well, aka not getting lonely. if u have kids with ur partner, at least in indian households u are affiliated with your partner's parents, siblings and relatives, so you have a larger family and more people to turn to in times of trouble, in old age or to simply hang out with, incl your kids. and having kids seals the deal of being accepted completely in society, and if u dont people treat you like you committed a crime.

Heres the thing, ok. i have seen people from all generations, incl gen Z, talk about having kids as something SO OBVIOUS in every person's life that it makes me scared because i feel like i will never find a partner in the future who will like to reman childfree. im young so i know this may seem like im overthinking the far future, but im really not, so let me have this.

not everyone wants to have kids and its time we stop pushing those people aside just because theyre a supposed minority. not all but many people who dont want kids change their minds, yes, but it is NOT YOUR PLACE to say that. by telling someone who wants to remain childfree, that they will "eventually change their mind", is directly devaluing their current desires and decisions, so stop it.

i just- please understand that having kids is a huge responsibility and one you cannot go back from, so unless you have healed your own trauma (same with ur partner) and have a stable relationship with your partner, im begging u to not have kids. TOO MANY people come from broken homes because their parents didnt know better and it boils my blood that that is the case. if we are taught this stuff in educational institutions, i can guarantee that the number of people traumatised by their parents would decrease.

also !! people have much more rational reasons to NOT have kids than to have them tbh. be it mental health, no desire, generational trauma, etc. im not shitting on people who want kids, but im just being realistic.

112 notes · View notes

clouds-rambles · 3 years

Note

Yellow~ may i have a request in which in one of reader's adventures they find themselves in a situation where they ingest what's supposed to be an aphrodisiac (but they dont know that only we do) instead they get the opposite symptoms. Such as the idea of sex becomes repulsive to them, physical contact with anyone immediately puts her in a very bad mood, sfw stuff like that. Now their lover has to deal with social distancing and absent hugs and kisses for more than a few days.

Thank you

Anon your brain is very big this is a very cool idea

Hope you don’t mind me choosing Venti for this scenario lmao

Pairings; Venti x reader

Warning(s);

Keep reading under the cut!

“Man I feel horrible” you say as you settle down beside Venti after your week long excursion into the Mondstat wilds. Venti had things to do so you went on your adventure by yourself

“Did you get hit or something?” the bard asks gesturing you to shuffle to your side so he can give you a shoulder rub

“Not more than normal no” you respond, you flinch back when Venti’s hands finally reach your back “That was weird, like uncomfortable” you comment. The bard holds his hands up in mostly mock hurt

“Did I hurt you?” he asks, you shake your head

“No, it just felt really uncomfortable you know...” you trail off into thought “Oh now that I think on it, I did eat some Valberries” Venti blinks at you a few times

“And you’re feeling averse to touch?” he asks furrowing his brows “Why’d you eat them anyway? They’re aphrodisiacs” he adds trying to work out what’s happening

“What? Really?” you question earning a nod from your boyfriend, you shuffle back around so your back is on the seat “I see Lisa eat those things all the time so I thought they were safe.” you add before realising your words “Why is Lisa eating them in that case?” you question

“I don’t think we want to know” Venti offers trying his best not to think about the question, “If you’re feeling averse does that mean no touching until it wears off?” Venti asks with a pout, you nod

“I suppose so”

The three days are pain for Venti, he has to stop himself from giving you unexpected hugs, he can’t kiss you, you don’t even sleep in the same bed as him because he’s so prone to hugging you when you sleep. But, as much as you’ve tried to do these things you feel a little sick, and sometimes a little in pain. Archons forbid that Venti even brings up the idea of sex amongst all this, you’ve tried to keep your mind off the still unanswered question but it creeps in whenever Venti gives you desperate glances from across the couch.

Venti finds himself accidently touching you, be it on your back as you’re cooking, nudges with his knee as you sit close to each other, or even brushing his hand with yours to hold before he remembers he can’t. It makes you think about how the two of you are constantly touching in some way, you can’t think of a day where at some point you haven’t just lead yourself down on him.

And in all seriousness you miss the touch. As much as Venti showers you in affection you somehow find yourself even more touch starved than usual, despite the fact it makes you feel ill. You feel a little lonely as you sleep because you’re not reassured by the presence of your boyfriend. You hope this wears off before you actually become too touch averse.

“Checkmate, I win” Venti grins as he knocks down your queen, you pout at him.

“New game” you huff “I am determined to beat you” you chuckle as you both set up the chess board once more

“I feel like my ten win advantage means you’d have to beat me a lot” Venti teases with a wink, you stick your tongue out playfully

“I am going to become the best chess player before this aphrodisiac wears off” you jest with a laugh, Venti laughs alongside you before the two of you start playing your game.

“Checkmate!” you exclaim knocking down Venti’s queen. You grin at him “I told you I would win” you add, Venti smiles at you

Maybe if he can’t kiss you to make you feel better, he’ll sway the game just a little bit to give you a little advantage

“Damn” he jests “Just when I was about to win” he fake weeps causing the both of you to laugh once more

“What? No” you jest “I swept the board with you” you add with a chuckle.

The two of you banter over the next few games continues before the two of you notice Lisa and Jean doing their evening rounds.

“The two of you are usually on top of each other. Something happen?” Lisa asks as she directs herself and Jean to walk towards the two of you. You smile and hum

“I’m feeling a little ill and my stubborn boyfriend insists that he stays near” you lie with a smile

“Oh you poor thing” Lisa sympathises putting a hand on your shoulder, you try your best not to flinch at the contact “I hope it passes over soon” she comforts before the two walk off again

“I’m surprised you didn’t ask her about the valberries” Venti comments with a slight chuckle

“In front of Jean?” you ask with a quirk of your brow, the bard nods and you try not to laugh at the absurdity “I feel like if Jean found out other people know about what she and Lisa do in the bedroom would be a little embarrassing for her” you explain

“Oh so you have an idea of what she does with the valberries?” Venti half teases, you roll your eyes but nod after a few moments. Venti giggles at you

“I just want these ones to wear off though” you sigh, Venti smiles at you

“It’s okay sweet” he comforts “I bet in a month we’ll laugh at this like a good joke” he adds, you nod and sigh again

“I hope so” you pout

That evening was supposed to be date night, and the two of you decided to go through with the idea, a nice picnic at starsnatch cliff. The two of you sit opposite eachother and eat your food, there’s a light, happy conversation between the two of you.

About the time it gets a little chilly is usually the time you huddle up together with Venti to watch the sunset, but as much as you natural instinct is to curl up with him you have to stop yourself.

He does pass you his cape though which you suppose is the best that you can do right now. And it does smell like him so you guess it’s almost like a hug.

“The stars are bright tonight” you comment looking up, you hear Venti hum in agreement

“Not as beautiful as you~” he teases and the both of you laugh. The two of you often mock the cliché lines that lovers often mutter under the stars. And while the two of you often mock it there lies a certain truth behind the words.

As immortal as Venti is, and mortal you are. The fact he chose you amongst the crowd is like choosing a star amongst the sky.

“I love you Venti” you comment looking over to the bard who’s smiling at you

“And I to, my love” he nods keeping his smile

The valberries only last about half a day longer. And in all honesty, the first thing you do after they wear off is just hug the bard for a good while.

While you may have been with him this whole time, you truly did miss his comfort

#genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #venti x reader #genshin impact venti #genshin venti venti

157 notes · View notes

bakugoukatsuki-rising · 3 years

Note

I'm. The new covers, op. The new covers. Gosh. Both of them hold so much symbolism. And technically they both are canon, they are both original ideas that could perfectly be valid. Horikoshi simply found something better. But anyways, I'm going to go ahead and ramble about it because Im- Op, prepare for a long ask! Hope you like it!

So!

On the one where Katsuki's the one in the picture, he's not on his knees like he is in the other two covers. Instead, he has his face down, body forward, one hand on one leg, the other one holding out for something...He's bowing. Bowing in Japanese culture is a pretty big deal. Hes not just tilting his head a bit, his head and body are on full on commitment.

Such a tilted bow means a LOT, specially from THIS guy, Mr dont let anyone walk in front of me. Even more when hes not just bowing, but accepting such an open display of given help, Mr shonen anime lone wolf. Accepting something he always has trouble admitting to. Accepting the past, accepting the wrongs. Accepting Izukus help means so much, and that's what these three covers have in common.

His hand is sctretching out. He's ready to say yes to that hand out in the air.

(Ps. I wonder if he's watching his own reflection on the water in this panel, as well?)

Hes in middle of the picture with those childhood friend at the back, which means audience. It means letting people see what hes done, what he's sorry for. He is being open and exposed and vulnerable. That's no fighting stance.

Remember guys, in case you haven't noticed before, Horikoshi puts lots of metaphorical value in his manga and on his covers. Sometimes you've got to dig in deep and think to get the bigger picture. And in this case, the bigger picture screams regret and wanting to make things right from the start.

This cover occurs in the past, at the moment where everything started, and Katsuki fully remembers this. Katwuki has thought of this, is thinking about this. He's had eye bags for gods sake, he's clearly troubled by all of what it means.

These three covers are the visual explanation of what's going on inside Katsuki's head, because this is clearly focused on him and his perspective.

(Ps. Rivers symbolise the massage of time. If that doesnt add to everything else, I dont know what to tell you.)

So! Next!

Wow, if this isnt one of my favourite things ever. Okay. Christ.

I have two options here. Scratch that, three options. Scream into the void, scream into this post, or actually make a good presentation of my inner turmoil. I'll have to go by the third option. (Haha. Just like horikoshi did. Dont # me, I'm funny in my head.)

This cover melted my insides, froze them all over, and hit me with them like a hammer.

I know they're kids, but let me get this straight-so kids seriously look at their friends with these looks in their eyes and think "ah, yes. This is my very good friend. This gentle smile and kind look I'm giving him as if he was my whole world? Well, hes just a very good friend."

I looked at my childhood crush this way, I dont know what to tell you.

Anyway, let's actually jump to the information at hand.

This panel seems like it's making a reference to what Katsuki wishes could have been. And if that's not absolutely soul-crushing...this cover is Katsuki's feelings, guys. These are probably his very thoughts. This scene has gone through Katsuki's head at some point.

We've got Izuku in his stuck up pose all over again, in just an awkward angle. It's like katsuki isnt looking AT this katsuki right now, but at the spot where the actual past Katsuki, at some point, was. As if this Isuku is frozen in time. Dont believe too much in this paragraph, I still have my doubts about that, but I feel it's a possibility. Izukus eyes seem to be focused on the water, while Katsuki is just the tiniest bit back, reaching for Izukus hand. And gosh.

I dont think I've ever seen older NOR child Katsuki have this look plasted into his face before. He's...sheepish. Kindly, awkwardly sheepish. No hate, no anger, no shame, no nothing. His face is clear and sweet and has this "Whoops. You got me. But thanks." kind of expression on.

The hand behind his head, just the tiniest but embarassed? That little smile? It's all so soft.

Rambling about softness though- I really liked the hand scene in this particular panel. If you close up your view, you realise that theres no effort to pull anyone out of nowhere. In this panel, they are simply holding hands in frozen time for no purpose at all.

Katsuki has his hand around Izuku...simply holding there.

Again, because the angle is awkward, it's kind of messy, but you get the point.

It's all simply beautiful. Horikoshi clean likes give me life.

And lastly. The actual cover.

I screeched so hard when I saw this. My first instinct when seeing this for the first time was to straight up go trigger happy fingers and write about it to my friends. Christ.

Everything is so...SOft. horikoshi made a good decision by mixing both previous drawings in one. We have parts of the two covers in one, which is amazing. In this one, Katsuki isnt alone, as Izuku's there too. But we dont have the audience either. Probably because the main focus on this panel is no one else except them two.

Again, Katsuki looks like he's bowing, but instead of looking all the way down, he's in the middle. Not looking at Izuku nor looking at the ground, like it shows in the previous covers. Instead, Horikoshi found a middle ground. He's looking at his hand. At the gesture.

Hes not holding hands quite yet, but his hand is there. At arms reach. Not close enough but there. Wanting.

Theres so much regret and again, softness.

Again, like you Op said a bit bad, the angle is off here. This is present Katsuki remembering his past. The angle is off because this Izuku isnt holding out for our Katsuki. This is a memory. A wish. Katsuki's wish.

(Ps. Izukus trousers drenched in the rivers water. This detail was so nice. It's a subtle action that describes Izukus characterization so much. Izuku went in the river with Katsuki in mind, not caring if he got his clothes soaked in the process too. For Izuku, only Katsuki was there. And for Katsuki, only Izuku is.

As a plus, I can't believe the cover of this is literally called Bakugou Katsuki rising. They named the entire thing after that one chapter. Actually, I very much, totally believe it. It's the moment so many people have been waiting for, after all. The moment so many scenes have been amounting for, little by little.

*dreamy sigh*

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this little thing, I had to get it out of my system and dont want to bother my dear friends anymore than needed.

Have a good day, OP! I'll stay updated!

You kinda just...took my heart and curb stomped it, not gonna lie. Your observations are so beautiful and so accurate. The sketch with little Bakugou taking Izuku’s hand is so...raw, and yeah, that expression is definitely one of love. Those eyes, the way he is HOLDING Izuku’s hand, not TAKING it. He isn’t taking it to stand up, he is literally just...holding it.

That isn’t the way you take someone’s hand when you’re trying to pull yourself up. It’s an awkward angle and just...wouldn’t work right. No, he is literally just holding his hand, and that’s exactly what Bakugou wishes he did all that time ago. He wishes that he not only took Deku’s hand, but held onto it. Held it as if it were something precious, something to be cared for and protected.

These are Bakugou’s true feelings expressed in these drawings, and I think Horikoshi released them on purpose, to show us more of what he wanted Bakugou to be feelings through all of this. Since after all, we know that Bakugou expresses himself in action, not so much words. And because Horikoshi is an absolute genius, he thought to give us these other glimpses in how he feels through these actions.

And the other sketch with him bowing his body to Izuku, and the way the log looks like it’s on his back with his ‘friends’ on top of it.

The pressure of needing to be the coolest, the strongest, the best. Those kids put that kind of pressure on him, even if they never realized it. They encouraged his behavior and fed his ego, and it never allowed him to see how he was wrong. But now he is realizing it, and he is bowing himself in light of that acknowledgement. He is lowering his head and putting his pride away, so he can get back what he lost all those years ago; the opportunity to take Izuku’s hand.

To take the hand of the only one of those kids that ever loved him unconditionally. Who never pressured him or expected him to be invincible. Who saw all of his flaws and was completely prepared to support him despite all of it. The only one.

I’m just a mess over all of this, and I am so incredibly thankful to Horikoshi for creating this beautiful relationship. AND IN A SHOUNEN MANGA, NONETHELESS!!

Thank you friend, for your beautiful thoughts. I think they’re spot on, and I am so emotional all over again because of this.

#bnha spoilers #bnha #mha #bkbk #bakudeku #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #kacchan #deku #bnha meta #bnha analysis #blackiee-is-heree #asks #basketball idiot #basketball idiot replies

159 notes · View notes