#Its frustrating because I know its not their fault and like. thats the worst part. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aubeystawby · 11 months

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I loved your autistic reader headcanons. this doesn't have to be a request, it can be some back and forth (like a conversation because I absolutely love diving into stuff like this) I'm curious what else these characters will do/act as a result of the readers autism. I'm bad at wording things so I'll get to the point. Hobie canonically isn't consistent because he dislikes consistency, but maybe a reader with autism needs routine and consistency, so how will that change their dynamic? another example is pravitr, as stimmy and cool as he is he might be too loud and the reader might get easily overwhelmed. gwen and Miguel might not be able to figure out what the reader wants/ needs if they're non-verbal or are struggling to speak their mind. what will jess or malala do when the reader is so hyperfixated on something they neglect their own needs. This isn't exactly a request for a part 2 but you're the first person who posted about an autistic reader (that I've seen) so I'd love to maybe talk about this with you and get ideas because it's exciting. I know talking about this here might not be the best but if you're totally cool with it I'd love to just talk about these ideas elsewhere.

Oh this ask has absolutely made my day, I have SO many thoughts on these characters with an autistic reader and I'm soso happy to have someone to talk about it with.

With Hobie I feel like it leans towards a bit like what I said with Jess but even less structure. like i feel like thered have to be a compromise between hobie and reader (which would be a whole ordeal in of itself if youre anything like i am when it comes to having to compromise with things like this) where maybe every fortnight they have to figure out something set-in-stone like hanging out or something? ALSO i know a big thing in lots of reader insert fics people like is the trope of the spider-person randomly showing up at reader's house/apartment with injuries and (ofc all of this differs person-to-person) i feel like thatd have to be a no-go with these characters and an autistic reader, like for me i feel like thatd be such a huge disruption to everything itd probably be the trigger for some sort of downwards spiral. but i totally feel like thisd be a hard thing for hobie and an autitic reader to navigate bc even right now its hard for me to thinking of possible solutions yk?

Youre totally right about Pavitr and I feel like he'd honestly get it wrong a lot of times (which is not at all his fault), and he can be observant but he also might not pick up on the correlation between him being extra loud/energetic and reader's sensory overload? this also makes me think of things like the headcanon of spider people having enhanced sensory stuff leading to them sometimes also experiencing sensory overload — which isnt really a hc i have for pavitr specifically but i feel like on some level he might relate a bit? or maybe hed pick up on reader's reactions because hes seen it happen with other spider people before bc of that heightened senses stuff? I feel like he's a big physical touch guy and is a bit unsure with how to comfort someone if they do get sensory overload bc they might not want more sensations, which means no touching, so comforting/helping with that might be a bit difficult to figure out for him in that regard?

Ohhh boy gwen or miguel with a reader who has run out of words/in general isnt very verbal would certainly be An Experience. they both DO care but ohhhh there is SO much trial and error through it all.

gwen likes silence but also feels a need to fill said silence at the same time, saying the first thing that comes to mind, so like an autistic person who finds comfort in parallel play's worst nightmare. thats something that she'd probably have to be talked to about pretty outright, bless her heart she can just be so awkward and unsure of herself that she might just not pick up on why you get so frustrated with her trying to fill every silence, probably thinking you find it annoying bc of something she said and not bc you just need/enjoy the silence.

I can just imagine miguel just. watching so awkwardly and overthinking with a reader who isnt very verbal at the moment/isnt At All. hed probably ask them a question over and over and Over Again thinking that might help somehow? i feel like he goes through verbal shutdowns maybe? but doesnt really acknowledge them/know what they are, or is never around people when it happens so hes never really had anyone try to help him/communicate him when it happens meaning he has no experience to like draw from when it happens to you and hes on the other side of it?

jess feels a bit like a 'takes no shit' person to me (not in an extreme way but i kinda just get those vibes?) but is also very understanding. if reader is for some reason neglecting basic hygiene or taking care of themself shes at a bit of a crossroads and would need to kind of see how they feel a bit more, because she knows 'tough love' sometimes works with certain people, but a lot of the time its harder/more complicated than that? I'm still trying to get a good understanding of jess's character at the moment so id love to hear more of what you think abt her

As for Malala i feel like she has experienced neglecting taking care of herself a bit before, from being extra busy or stressed etc, but not really in the way an autistic reader might. shed probably go through a whole variety of things to try to help, and also just feeling a bit guilty knowing how hard it would be for them once they get out of this low point and have to face everything they missed/neglected? thatd really feel discouraging for her i feel. i feel like shes also the kind of person who yes, understand that she cant fix everything for you and sometimes a professional/adult needs to get involved, but she also really wants to try her best to help, and might get a bit overwhelmed in the process

(I leaned into this more being a conversation rather than an official part 2, but im totally open to writing a part 2 if thats something people might want!! Also as for the convenience for where to talk abt this, im happy to just chat here, i dont mind!!) (though if you want anon it Would be a bit helpful if you chose like an emoji/identifier so ik its you if you send any future asks 😅)

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yellowbentley · 1 year

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dont read this im not 15 anymore i shouldnt be doing this

my fucking god the guy i like makes me want to tear my hair out. we hung out on saturday n the feelings are reciprocated so we cuddled and kissed alot. aloooooooot and i was over the moon with that but i swear every 10 fucking minutes he was asking to touch my boobs. im not exagerating. he kept saying he wouldnt do anything i dont want to do and im sure he wouldnt hurt me anyway but dude still. what part of im not interested in that dont you understand

not even just that but a few times he was on top of me and he pinned my wrists above my head which i didnt really want already and ALSO he put a hand on my throat not squeezing but still there and i REALLY didnt want that this is the least of my concerns here. i didnt think he had it in him honestly hes the dorkiest looking motherfucker. i could snap him in half. anyway.

hes so painfully my type i want to scream. he has it all. why did i give him my number why did i let us be friends im ace why does my type have to include having a dirty mind. i hate it here

we couldnt find the tv remote at one point n he reached between my legs and told me to take it out n ive told him to stop making gross jokes where im the focus ive told him im uncomfortable and hes not funny and he doesnt care I KNOW ITS A RED FLAG I KNOW I KNOWWWWWWWWWWW OKAY but every single other fucking thing about him is so fckng endearing. hes gorgeous. hes a genius. he likes anime and spiderman. his laugh lights up a room. when he talks in hindi i cant stop myself from smiling. he bought me pocky. he sleeps on an air mattress. ive never seen him in anything other then a turtle neck. he likes fruity smelling soaps and candles, its the only luxury he allows himself. he has the coolest fucking glasses.

yesterday he asked if we could put a name to this, i couldnt get the right words out and ask him to be my boyfriend properly, half because im easily flustered because I Dont Do This amd half because i dont want him to be. im a coward and i run from my problems so last night after chewing on it for 2 hours i texted him saying basically that i really wanted to date and be official because i like his dumb ass but i also know we arent compatible and its better we stay as friends. which sucks. im a coward and deleted snap immediately after so i havent seen if he said anything. i missed talking to him today. i got used to texting him all day so fast. i miss good morning and good night texts. last time we didnt talk for a day he tried other methods and asked if i was ok n if it was his fault and like it is but it isnt dude its complicated i hate myself i hate myself soooooooooo bad. did i mention this was the day after he saw me kinda cry out of frustration and sadness and he said it was one of the worst things hes ever seen/felt 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

he already said that if we dated it wouldnt be forever. he wants to fuck eventually and he wants it to mean something and not be with a hooker (i dont know if ive said this but if i dated someone i'd be fine w them getting a lady for the night LMFAO) which is fine! hes a cishet guy thats his right to want. im just so mad because now we've kissed and we've made out and i remember what cuddles are like and im SO MAD. this is the most ive felt towards anyone in the 3+ years and i cant have it because of my stupid sexuality. i wish i had said no to hanging out. i wish i had self restraint. i wish i hadnt hugged him. if he asks to hang out again im gonna say no. i want to show off my books and coins and wrap ourselves in blankets hes so fucking warm-

god damnit. God Fucking Damnit im not a teenager anymore.

im not ashamed of being ace or whatever im proud of it I Am Just Me im just a person but god it makes me mad sometimes because ive missed out on people ive wanted before and i will again and to be entirely fucking honest i dont know if i ever will. i dont think its even worth it. the older i get the harder it will be to say im not interested because people will assume im either waiting til marriage or im a prude and it will be more common place because everything is only ever sex sex sex and im tired of it man.

im like 99% sure he told me to stop texting him because he wasjacking it yesterday. ye gods.

tldr im so mad i like him so much and i cant have him.

im going to fucking bed

#🍓🧜🏾‍♂️#adventures

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r0mantic-h0micide · 2 years

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i wish i had the skills to sort my feelings out better. im feeling very confused because i don't understand whats going on with me.

i thought that, for the most part, i was over jake and moving on. but this last week or so, i keep thinking about him.

for a long time, i always figured therapy couldnt really help me. but now, im thinking maybe it can. maybe an outside person will be able to help me understand all these feelings ive been having lately.

i feel like im pretty good at telling the difference between bpd thoughts and valid/rational thoughts. but now im just so unsure of everything. i know im trying my best and i know thats all i can do.

idk. i dont know what the point in saying all this is. i wish i had someone to talk to about this stuff that isnt just going to say "it be like that sometimes" and then steer the conversation in a new direction. sometimes its okay to say "it is what it is" and move on, but i want to talk to someone that wants to listen.

its times like these when i really really wish i had a mother. one that cared. one that listened. one that didnt stress me out every time she opened her god damn mouth. i need guidance in the worst way and i have no one to turn to.

im grateful for a lot of people in my life. i know that other people have had it way worse than me. and im trying really hard to keep a positive attitude about work and actually becoming and adult- even if i feel embarrassed about my late start. but sometimes i just wish things were entirely different.

im so frustrated and disappointed in myself. and i just want someone to tell me that its okay to feel this way and that i'll figure it out. i dont mind being alone, its just that sometimes being alone is really really hard. thats probably the most frustrating thing in the world- its probably why im do disappointed in myself.

i want to forgive myself for being stupid and naive and young. but im having such a hard time doing it because since when am i stupid and naive? i knew every choice i made was the wrong one and i did it anyway. i did it to myself and i deserve every shitty thing thats going on. im so angry at myself for sitting and doing nothing while i made bad decisions.

i was trying so hard to be an adult that i forgot im still a kid. i hate that ive put myself in this position. because i knew what i was doing. im so self aware and yet still so god damn dumb.

i wont blame myself for nathan. maybe a little for staying as long as i did. but i was barely a teenager. but i knew what i was walking into with zachariah and i didnt care. i knew i shouldnt have been talking to him, but i did it anyway. i knew jake didnt care for me the way i cared for him. i knew he was done before things even started. and still, i told him i wanted to get married. i knew getting married was a bad idea but i wanted it and i got it and look at where i am now. to a fault, i am persistent. to a fault, i chase after what i want until i get it, no matter who or what gets hurt in the process.

being around me has probably got to be one of the most draining things a person can experience. i just dont know how to change.

this post is about a million different things but im glad that i got my feelings out. even if theyre incoherent.

i know that nothing in life is certain, but i hope that one day im able to see things more clearly.

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danidoesathing · 2 years

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🔥 Makoto

Oh boy. alright kiddos im not gonna be nice with this. This might be partially a rant but I dont care.

Makoto is an extremely poorly written character. Every aspect of her character has such great potential but ultimately it's undermined by terrible writing. She's meant to be a pushover good girl type that eventually snaps and starts to stand up for herself and realize the flaws of the system. But every interaction with her just....doesn't come across.

Like her introduction just makes her come across as judgmental, mean, and thoughtless. I get her not getting along with the PT at first, but her jabs at the PT are so personal (like when she tries to imply Ann's at fault for Shiho's suicide attempt. what the fuck). She doesn't bother to think about any nuance to any situation when it comes to any of the characters. They keep trying to make her come across as smart but her actions just....don't reflect that. Finding her way into the palace was smart, but thats the only example I can really think of. She comes off as plain ignorant (I won't even touch on the post interrogation room scene as I have so. so many things to say about that but her taking partial credit for the plan working angers me to no end). Her trauma with Sae, her father, and the principal is interesting but it's not enough for me to go "oh, she's just misunderstood" because there's not enough good will built up for me to just forgive all her actions.

And she doesn't grow. All the characters have flaws right? but they work past them and they have good qualities. Yusuke, for example, stayed silent while himself and others were being abused. But ultimately, he comes to realize Madarame isn't the great hero he thought he was and learns to stand for himself and others. He grows (his confidant has it's own issues, but thats a topic for another day), but Makoto doesn't learn or change like the other characters. She becomes more assertive, sure, but she doesn't really earn that multilayered development like other's do (and it honestly comes off as bossy). She still doesn't fully understand the flaws in the system, she still has full confidence that she's right all the time, she still doesn't see what the different nuances to each situation and only sees her perspective, and it's just....frustrating.

The worst example of this? In her confidant, she says she wants to be a cop like her father to Akira. She wants to change the system from the inside, and she choses to be....a cop. She knows how corrupt they are, and she really thinks that becoming one could just fix everything. That's not how it works. It's stupidly hopeful and straight up willingly naive. She could have chosen to become a judge, trying to fight against the 99% guilty verdict in Japan. A defense lawyer. A political activist. ANYTHING other than join the system of corruption they are fighting against. And she says this to Akira. Akira, her friend who has extensive trauma around cops and his arrest. Her friend with canon PTSD around his arrest and shows a general fear of cops. That's just....willingly ignorant to his trauma.

And you want to know the worst part? She could have been fucking amazing. Those glimpses of what could have been. Her awakening? fantastic. Her showtimes? amazing. Her dynamics with Ryuji and Haru? Awesome. There's so much potential to create a characters who's lived on a more privileged standard that has benefited from the system and who's family actively contributed to it (complicated feelings towards your loved ones could have been awesome) learning and going against the flaws in it despite what's its given her. Her bonding with the "delinquents" of the school and seeing that these people she's always turned her nose towards are actually good people, and growing because of it could have been....really, really good. But that's not what happened, and it sucks. I don't usually blame the characters for this stuff, because it's 99% due to bad writing. Maybe I still wouldn't have liked her if she was written well, but at least it would be me not liking a character, not "this character is fundamentally flawed and it pisses me off".

#sorry for the rant but she drives me insane #like I WANT to like her but every time she does something it just makes me mad #dani speaks #its just a shame how bad her character was written #ask #asks

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reidsnose · 3 years

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completely and utterly, wholeheartedly and hopelessly (spencer reid x reader)

overview: spencer helps his best friend talk through her emotions

genre: angst? and fluff

warnings: mentions of cheating, bad coping mechanisms, idrk what else reader being upset for a little bit

a/n: this has been sitting in my notes app FOREVER but idk how i feel ab this one im usually strictly fluff so yall lmk :)

masterlist

you hated talking about your feelings. you knew it was unhealthy to keep it bottled and and 'deal with it on your own' but that didn't stop you from doing exactly that.

the worst part about your feelings right now was that you isolate to cope with them. you didn't want to interact with anyone at all because more likely than not you would lash out at them on accident. it just slips out sometimes.

when you trudged into the bullpen with your head down and your hands fidgeting with your zipper, you didn't even notice all eyes on you. you werent your usual happy self. you weren't being loud, you weren't cracking jokes. you were just begrudgingly existing amongst your favorite people and they knew there was something wrong.

"good morning gorgeous, its a paperwork day! that means no traveling!" garcia informed you brightly, trying to lighten my mood.

"oh. cool. thanks." you answered back, flashing her as much of a smile as you could muster after realizing the harshness of your words.

she shot morgan a look, to which he raised an eyebrow.

"hey pretty lady," he began as he walked over to you, "whats going on? did you drink some grumpy juice for breakfast?"

"no. im fine." you replied flatly, making your way to your desk.

"what in the world.." he whispered to garcia, not knowing you could still hear.

or maybe he did know. maybe he was trying to get on your nerves. no. this is the irritability talking. morgan was just being a good friend.

you groaned at your computer, retyping the same password for the 4th time.

this time Prentiss shot you a look.

"is everything ok?" she asked, smiling slightly.

"yeah my computer is being stupid." you rolled your eyes as it finally let you in.

"oh i know the feeling. if you need any help-"

"I'm alright. thanks." you cut her off, eyes glued to the file you were working on.

JJ, who had witnessed the whole interaction unfold, stood with her mouth agape.

"spence, your bestie needs you!" JJ tapped his shoulder and motioned to you.

he watched your jaw rhythmically clench and unclench. your tell. thats what you always did when you were irritated or angry.

"hey y/n," he hummed, sitting lightly on the corner of your desk, crinkling some of your paper work.

"Reid! my files!" you cried, swatting his thigh. he got up and murmured an apology.

"are you ok?" he asked simply, crouching down to meet your height as you sat in your chair.

"why does everyone keep asking me that!"

you knew why. you were being a bitch.

"you just called me Reid." he stated.

"its your name." you replied, not meeting his gaze.

"yeah but you always-" he began.

"I'm not in the mood right now."

he sighed, "if you need someone to talk to-"

"i don't need anyone to talk to because theres nothing to talk about!" you interrupted, causing him to furrow his eyebrows at the tone of my voice.

'i shouldn't be mean to him. why am i acting like this?' you thought to yourself

"ok, ill be over there if you need me," he threw his hands up in surrender.

you mumbled an ok and went back to distracting yourself with work. you were so invested in filing these cases you completely lost track of time and before you knew it, it was just you, Hotch, and Spencer left in the office. you vaguely remembered waving goodbye to your other coworkers but you didn't remember it being nearly 6pm.

"guys go home, you've done a lot today," Hotch said as he crossed the bullpen, making his way towards the glass doors.

"yeah i will i'm almost done," you answered, not looking up from my screen.

"good night, Hotch," Spencer called from the break room.

you stared at your screen, eyes burning. you did enough. you cant escape confronting your feelings much longer. you sighed as you began packing up.

as if on cue, Spencer walked out of the break room with two cups in his hands, steam rising from the both of them. your mood softened just a bit.

"here," he handed you your drink which he had filled with your favorite tea and sweetened just the way you like it.

"you didnt have to." you replied, setting down the warm cup as you finished packing up. he mirrored your movements, resting his satchel across his torso before picking his drink back up.

"i know." he answered simply, a gentle smiling resting on his lips before he took a sip of his own tea.

"im sorry for snapping at you earlier." you apologized, finally meeting his gaze. his eyes were soft and sweet and you felt a pang of guilt in your heart as they looked into your own.

"its ok. do you want to tell me why?" he asked, walking to the elevator with you.

"no. yes? i dont know. its stupid." you replied, looking down at the floor as you recounted your reason for my anger today.

"its not stupid." he spoke softly.

you scoffed lightly, "you dont even know what it is."

"so tell me."

"but its dumb!"

"y/n." he warned.

"my ex boyfriend, Ashton, is getting married to the girl he cheated on me with." you sighed, walking through the parking lot with Spencer.

"ah so Trashton put my favorite ray of sunshine in a bad mood." he joked, breath swirling around the cool air as he spoke

you let out a weary chuckle, "its not like i miss him or anything, i just wish i had someone! not him- i just- i want- ugh i don't know how to word this!" you grew frustrated, furrowing your eyebrows and balling your hands into fists.

you knew exactly how to word it.

you wanted Spencer.

"its ok, take all the time you need." he whispered, leaning on the hood of your car. you joined him, resting as you took a sip of your tea.

"why am i not good enough to be loved." you stated the question rather than asking it, eyes filling with tears.

"you are good enough and i promise you that you are loved more than you know." he affirmed gently, turning to face you.

"do you know why we broke up?" you asked, knowing if you acknowledged his previous comment you wouldn't be able to continue without sobbing.

"because he cheated on you." he answered confidently.

"no." you shook your head, fighting back tears.

"what? he didn't cheat on you?"

"he did. and i was going to forgive him for that."

Spencer started getting riled up, "what! why? you're worth more than that scumbag! you shouldn't ha-"

"Spencer just let me finish!" you cut him off. he went silent, chest rising and falling more rhythmically than it had seconds earlier. "he wanted me to chose. him or you."

"him or me?" he furrowed his eyebrows, voice much quieter now.

"mhm." you hummed not meeting his gaze, your cheeks redder than you'd like to admit.

"i don't understand." he breathed.

"he thought i was cheating on him with you. he had no proof and it w-"

"oh this is all my fault. y/n i'm so sorry!"

"no! spence its not your fault!" you grabbed his arm to reassure him.

"it is! your boyfriend broke up with you because of me! and now you're sad and lonely and its all my fault!" he cried, looking worriedly into your eyes.

"first of all, i broke it off with him, he just gave the ultimatum. secondly, you did me a favor."

"how?"

"by showing me who i was really dating. a cheating, insecure scumbag who was quick to replace me when i left."

"i guess thats true."

"and id pick you over him any day." you admitted, looking back down at the ground. he nudged your shoulder playfully and you cracked a sad smile

"im sorry i made you sad and lonely."

"you didnt. id be sad and lonely anyway."

"why? you would still have a boyfriend if it wasn't for me."

"i don't want a boyfriend if it isn't you."

shit. shit.

the words toppled out of your mouth before you could stop them.

"what?" he asked, wide eyes and looking a little shocked. spencer was sure in that very moment that if he heard you correctly hed simply explode.

"i- no this was a bad idea. i just ruined everything didnt i!" you were speaking more to yourself, exasperated at your own stupidity.

"no," you felt him place a finger to your chin and lift your gaze to meet his, "im glad you said it because now i can admit it."

"admit what?"

"that im completely and utterly, wholeheartedly and hopelessly in love with you."

"spencer dont play with my heart like this. are you being serious?"

"yes. i am." he said with a strange confidence than you had never heard before. hesitant but sure.

"oh thats so lucky because i am completely and utterly, wholeheartedly and hopelessly in love with you too." you admitted, feeling about 100 pounds lighter, like you could fly. he pulled you into a bone crushing hug which you eagerly accepted. "i should talk about my feelings more often."

he chuckled, pressing a soft kiss to the crown of your head, "yes you should."

world littlest taglist:

@mac99martin

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skepticalarrie · 2 years

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can i just say its grated my nerves how quick everyone was to believe some random anon who claimed to have heard harrys house through their extended family relative who works in a job adjacent to the industry? like that even sound slightly off to some people? and even if its true the overwhelming pessimism about the album and pretty much talking about boycotting it like they did with cherry and how disappointed they are?

no cuz what did people expect both hl are in the same situation here yet when the kid was at the show most people on here were comfortable in looking the other way but with harry it has to talked about and dragged out instead of just idk accepting it and letting it go and focusing on this big performance he has coming up? i get the frustration i hate olivia just as much but its not like anything new was expected and if you did thats your fault lmao. also this is not on you allie i just came to ramble about

I think you’re missing the point a little bit, to be honest. Some of the reactions I’ve been seeing about the rumours are the result of people being desperate to be right instead of embracing the fact we don’t know shit. Nothing is set on stone here, there isn’t an absolute truth. So why are people even attacking others, other larries!

I think part of the experience of being in the fandom is to talk to other people, discuss things, understand different perspectives. And part of that is also knowing how to separate what makes sense to you and what doesn’t. Because everyone has different perspectives and backgrounds on things. So if you think the rumours are not reliable and the discussions are not interesting to you, you just need to stay out of it, move on. People are so fucking afraid of being wrong and for what… none of us here heard the album anyway. People *need* to have an opinion about everything and that sucks. Like I said on the previous post, I see the rumours, but I don’t think I want to have an opinion about it quite yet, I don’t know what to make out of it without the full context.

As for the stunts, it’s what I always say, I think it’s stupid to compare both of their closetings and stunts, we’re talking about different contexts, different people, different marketing strategies for different artists. But one thing is a fact: having to deal with stunts are a great part of being larrie, so I think the most important thing is to have at least some sort of maturity level to deal with those, to understand how much it affects you and how healthy it is for you to get emotionally involved in the situation. I agree with you that if people were having any sort of expectations, there’s no one to blame but themselves. We’re basically in some sort of worst case scenario with stunts here, and it doesn’t seem like this is changing any time soon. So, personally, I think if you’re letting the situation ruin the entire thing for you, is when you’re not in a good place mentally to be here. It is what it is, we have no power to change things, we can only trust their choices and enjoy their music.

#ask

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detransexual · 2 years

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TW eating disorder (recovery related, i think its relatively trigger free but i still feel the need to warn abt the topic ig?)

Ngl im really really fucking struggling with my eating disorder, if anyone has any resources abt recovery (that r actually good n helpful n not just "talk to ur doctor :) call a helpline", cause thats pretty much all ive been able to find when i look for for tangible tips) , or even just harm reduction, pls drop recs or links if u have em.

Like just personal tips would also be good if you're either in recovery or you've previously recovered (even if you've relapsed), especially if you've recovered as an adult because i feel like so much of the advice i find is like. Aimed at teenagers or parents? And thats a very different situation, i cant do recovery the same way i did when i was a middle schooler bc both my life and the disorder itself is very different now.

i know that im going to need professional help eventually but im not capable of taking that step right now, but i still need to try to get a little better on my own in the mean time? Please dont say body neutrality tho bc trust me im aware and im already working on it, but its so much more about the behaviours themselves than it is about weight, my body image isnt the root issue and it isnt actually a problem right now.

I just want a chance to try to get better myself first, even if i fail i just. Feel like it would be good, that it would be an act of very tangible self love and that having control taken away from me might just making my need for control worse and might just trigger me to get sicker, i want to atleast get my brain back a little bit before i put myself in that situation. I dont know what to do or how to do it or how to just... Let go of things that you know are irrational, because im fully (and painfully aware) of how self destructive and dangerous it is and that this isnt normal and that it makes me miserable and that it isnt worth it, but for some reason my shit idiot goblin brain doesnt care and cant fully accept it? And im incredibly fucking frustrated with my self because of that, i have the knowledge to do better and yet i cant stop, and thats almost the worst part because i feel so fucking guilty that its literally my own damn fault that im doing badly and im fully able to just DO better, there is nothing stopping me other than myself and i hate myself for it.

Anyway, it turned into a rant/vent a bit ig oops but the main point is, if u have personal experience w recovery id love some tips/resources that you've found helpful, that dont involve medical professionals (for now).

#Idk how to tag this without having it show up in the tags??#Im pretty sure filtered tags include words used in the post itself bc thats how mine works?? So i hope thats. Still how it is?#Uhm anywy #Op #Sorry

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syubub · 4 years

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BTS SOULMATES WORST HABIT/ QUALITY

Disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes and only my interpretation of the cards. Do not take it as fact~

Anon, I love this very much!! Thank you for requesting it!

Seokjin

I got: 7 of wands rev., Take a fucking trip ( Go see some shit. Do some new things. Talk to people cooler than you.), Stop obsessing ( You are not the centre of the fucking universe)

So. This person tends to get overwhelmed easily and can be a bit of a workaholic at times.

This is someone who gets so so so focused their failures and faults and stuff that they kinda become blinded by that

I pulled a clarity and got 9 of swords.

This really is someone who spirals in anxiety when things aren't going well and likely snaps at the people around them.

Its absolutely unintended but when they get overwhelmed they kinda detatch from the world and they can only see as far as their nose.

Likely gets so in their head that they forget things about other people and it can come off as being very self-centered, cold, bitchy ect.

Yoongi

Lol

A lot of cards came out.

We have: 2 of cups, Drop the fucking ego. (Vulnerability is hot as fuck.), Ask a fucking expert. (Don't rely on your friends or the Internet. Listen to a damn professional.), Stop fucking whining. (No one wants to listen to that shit. Complaining makes you weak. You have the strength to change your world-so do it.), You need a good fucking cry. (Get the ugly cry on. Let that shit go. Your soul will thank you.)

They tend to romanticize life to the point that they think that something will come and change their life for them

But that isn't how shit works

They have mad issues with getting vulnerable and admitting that they are struggling or that they aren't happy where they are.

Emotionally constipated lol

Definitely has a hard time letting other people in bc of trust issues

They don't really outwardly emote often so it all builds up.

They think that independence means you can't look for guidance and thats bad

Very much ignoring the work they have to do to get to where they want to be but still pretending like they are getting closer to it

Ugh

They have a lot of shit to work out in the emotions department

They also seem to just have a general lack of grounding.

Hoseok

Oki

I got: 10 of swords rev., the tower, Stop talking. (Shut your mouth and listen.) Winning. (You got a good thing going. Don't ruin that shit.)

This is someone who can't keep their foot out their fucking mouth.

Dear god.

Its all good intentions but they say way more than they need too and it can ruin things for them.

They also can be too open.

They also resist change too much.

They fear self change.

They couldn't give a shit about external change but breaking old habits and old patterns is something they just don't like to do

So as a result they don't ever challenge their views internally.

This can leave them with a shaky foundation (putting off that tower moment) of old views and outdated information.

This can make them pretty damn judgmental at times.

They just need to let the tower moment happen and reasses all of their beliefs to figure out what they truly stand for and who they are, not just what has been forced in them (societal, parental. Even friends)

Also likely gullible

EMBRACE INNER CHANGE

Jesus, you're gonna give me a fuckin migraine

Its frustrating because THEY KNOW WHAT THEY HAVE TO DO BUT THEY JUST DON'T WANT TO

I feel bad for your guides, hobi's soulmate.

JUST DO IT

Namjoon

...

I got: Hanged man rev., 2 of swords, What the hell are you waiting for? Get that shit done. (If you were waiting for a sign-well, here it ucking is.), Don't believe every shitty thought you have. (Thoughts can be lying, sneaky bastards)

This is a procrastinator.

They tend to avoid things when they are faced with things that are unpleasant or even really good.

They are frustratingly doing nothing.

Big big big avoider.

STOP DOING THAT

Doesn't really want to do better.

They are content where they are for the simple reason that they don't want to experience discomfort by actively going after what they truly want in life

THIS DOESNT HELP ANYONE

They are also VERY passive when they are procrastinating

Jimin

Bring it.

We have: The magician, You are loved. (You are here for a reason. Don't fuck it up.), Have you eaten? (Your acting like a big ass baby. You need food in your belly. Either fucking taco.)

Well okay then.

I think this ties into jimins soulmate reading so I won't go too indepth about that part. You can read his soulmate reading here (x)

BUT

The thing that makes this their worst quality/ worst habit is because they have every tool and all of the want to help their situation but just don't?

And specifically another thing is that no matter how much someone tells this person that they love them, that they are important and that they matter, this person DOESN'T BELIEVE IT. The actively try to convince themselves otherwise.

Actively

On purpose

Because they don't know what else is a personality trait.

Again go read jimins soulmate read.

It's not that anyone blames them for this or anything but they actively reject help at times and get pissy about their situation.

You know what you need to do to fix your shit. Do it. Don't use it as your fucking personality.

You are more than that.

Dear god.

Theres a lot to say here.

Whatever situation it is, they are so stubborn and determined to do shit on their own and they have every resource but they are scared to lose a defining trait.

Ugh

I have a lot I want to say about this but I'll leave it here.

Taehyung

Oki oki

10 of wands, 2 of cups, you're giving too many fucks. (Give zero) and figure shit out on your own.

So this is someone how tends to overwork themselves.

They don't really know when to quit? They seem to be very determined but to their own detriment at times.

They also tend to carry the burden in any social relationship. People tend to use them?

They go along with it because they have a lot to offer and a lot to give and don't always have the boundaries to keep people from taking advantage of them.

They honestly just give too many fucks.

They value human connection so much that they will let themselves be a fucking doormat.

They feel very isolated even though they aren't (when I do the second soulmate read I think I'll have some more about this then)

Jungkook

Oki

We have: the tower, 7 of swords, eat your fucking vegetables. (Eat some shit made by mother nature), dont talk to anyone. Don't look at anyone. (You need some fucking time alone. And you know why)

First thing. I heard, "The diet of a child" and then "gamer girl" umm.

I have 2 things.

1. They take bad care of themselves when they go through a rough patch and the trend sneak away from everything (probably lie to get out of whatever obligations or do some sneaky shit) and eat fucking lunchables and kids cuisine microwave dinners with energy drinks exclusively

2. They tend to be ridiculously picky irl. Or just can't cook for shit so they only eat coffee pot Ramen.

Pull yourself together.

Their worst habit is withdrawing from everything when things get rough.

They don't take care of themselves and they drink Monster energy drinks like a scene kid from 2010.

That's gross.

Pls stop

#bts #bts tarot #bts reactions #bts imagines #seokjin #jin #min yoongi #min suga #suga #yoongi #hoseok #bts jhope #namjoon #bts rm #rm #jimin #taehyung #jungkook #bts v #tarot

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chateautae · 2 years

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i just finished the final act of heart of the flame and my god :( what a tear jerker😭 PROBABLY ONE OF YOUR FINEST WORKS 😭

agh my heart hurts so much for jin😭 he’s so sweet and the fact that he was willing to let oc go to be happy with someone else? pls tell me he gets a happy ending in the end😭 I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE TO BE HIS SOMEONE SPECIAL🤧🤧 i can’t lie, i was rooting for jin and oc to be endgame bc of how much more stable they are together. BUT IF OC’S HEART LIES WITH TAE I CAN’T FAULT HER. THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS.

was i surprised when tae flew out all the to LA to see oc and to propose to her?? YES I WAS. i was so torn in that scene bc its like theres so much chemistry with tae and he’s still in her heart but jin provides her with warmth and stability with his maturity and doesn’t make her feel so insane. AGHHHH😭 whether she were to choose tae or jin i would’ve been equally as happy, bc at the end of the day, as long as oc is happy that’s what matters😭😭 BUT I RLLY HOPE MY BOI SEOKJIN IS OKAY AND IS HAPPY🤧 HE WAS THE WATER THAT MELLOWED HER OUT AND MY BB DESERVES TO BE HAPPY (preferably with me 💀) TOO!!

AGH THIS WAS SO GOOD SAMMY. I RLLY FINISHED THIS WHOLE SERIES IN LESS THAN 12 HOURS AND WENT THROUGH SO MANY EMOTIONS IN ONE DAY😭 i hope oc and tae are working things out better now and are actually communicating and listening to each other bc PHEW I WAS FRUSTRATED AT SO MANY POINTS THROUGHOUT THIS SERIES. the things that were at stake were serious issues that i know for sure if it were me, i would walk out so fast too AND THATS WHAT MAKES IT SO FRUSTRATING BC I GET IT🤧 ITS LIKE I WOULD WALK OUT TOO BUT ALSO LIKE PLS TALK TO EACH OTHER😭

also i felt so bad for tae bc he was basically as*aulted and taken advantage of when he was at a low point and had so many things going on in his head. i defs had some trouble reading through that scene and was super frustrated with kate. tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and it backfired🥴 SHES THE WORST. my poor bb :(

ALL IN ALL, THE PLOT?? 100/10. THE SMUT?? 100/10. THE ANGST 100/10. THE FLUFF?? 100/10. THIS WAS SUCH A GREAT READ.

I WILL BE READING THE SECOND PART OF HOTTER THAN HELL NEXT AND AM JUST BEAMING WITH EXCITEMENT BC LUCIFER JUNGKOOK IS BACKKKK AND HES SO HOTTTT😭 GENUINELY AM IN LOVE WITH THE DYNAMIC BETWEEN HIM AND OC. I SERIOUSLY LOVE THIS COUPLE SO MUCH GAHHH!! ITS LIKE CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY😭 AND AFTER THAT ILL BE READING THE MID DRABBLES (MY BABIES) AND THE JOON FIC HEHE!!

-🪐

SATURN ANON MY LOVE!! I've enjoyed all your asks and I decided to reply to each one separately just because of how much you mention!! And I want to address each thing you say with the same devotion you've shown me by sending these wonderful asks 🥺

AGHH IK seokjin's ending really did tear people up, but it's just another sad reality we have to unfortunately accept sometimes; one's happiness results in another's sadness. I've always kind of had the same dilemma in my life? Where I have this one person who I have so much history and undeniable chemistry with, the kind that sweeps me off my feet and makes me feel infinite, but his love is so fickle and fizzles out quickly much like a flame, but then you have the safer guy who's everything you need and yet, still lacks something? That dilemma is always the hardest to navigate so YES!! I HOPE MY BABY SEOKJIN IS HAPPIER WITH SOMEONE ELSE HE DESERVES THE WORLD!! AND IF OC IS HAPPY WITH TAE THEN IM HAPPY FOR HER TOO!! ME TOO sometimes as readers we always yell at the characters "just talk to each other!!" but irl, communication can get so murky for so many different reasons. I myself am such a poorly confrontational person because I'm always so afraid of voicing my feelings and potentially hurting someone with them or I just don't like the conflict it could possibly start, so I'm also bad with communicating when I have an issue with someone, and these easily create misunderstandings or mistranslation on multiple occasions!!

AND YES FINALLY SOMEBODY MENTIONED WHAT HAPPENED TO TAE it really was quite upsetting to see that happen to him, our baby :(( that's why i was acc sad when people were accusing him of cheating, don't always assume the worst!!

AHHH I HOPE YOU LOVE EVERYTHING MY LOVE thank you for all these wonderful reviews and being the sweetheart you are!! <33

#saturn anon!!#inbox #feedback: heart of the flame #lovely little message 💌

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writingthrones · 4 years

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the northern dragon- part 9.

PART 9: FIRE AND ICE.

TAGS: @psychosupernatural , @xleviiiix , @ashtronomyyyy , @starkbelova,@5aftermidnight , @makapaka11 , @mxxkscreate-write , @scorpiosmalfoy,@harrison-shot-first , @art-flirt , @jessyballet , @vaexvictis ,@callmeconceited , @cassiopeia-barrow , @the-three-eyed-ravenclaw , @iirelynn , @aspiring-fangirls-world , @emmaelizabeth2014 @dyanna-corona , @donttellany1iusetumbler , @whatwhyc-c , @moadvx , @simplyfandomish , @daenerysstuff , @coltonparayyko , @not-really-a-cool-story , @bitch-imma-head-out , @stormi-ames , @dyanna-corona , @theboyzuniverse , @thatting , @aroyaldarknessblr , @hollyj42xx , @katsukis-bitch , @youcanfightthehurricane , @siphonersalvatore , @toomanyfandom-s2 (feel free to shoot me a message if you’d also like to be tagged!)

DESCRIPTION: the world thought that just 2 dragons survived, that house targaryen was missing its third head. but there was another– the youngest, the final child of the mad king and queen rhaella. of course, she was almost part of the near extermination of her house. but the honorable ned stark, unable to watch a babe be murdered for crimes she did not commit, rescued her from an awful fate. instead, she grew up amongst wolves within the walls of winterfell.

NOTES: i'm sorry for disappearing for a while, life got crazy but i’m happy to see how many of you are so supportive and still excited to see read this story! i apologize that this chapter is so short as i’m still easing back into writing this and want to make sure nothing sounds out of character for what i’ve established thus far. i’d also love to hear your feedback/suggestions because i want to hear what you all want to see!

WARNINGS: none! just a short chapter.

You stared at the eggs in disbelief, having to run your fingers against each one’s scales to prove to yourself it was real. How could this make any sense? As far as you knew, no one inhabited the island. The usurper’s brother had left. It was just you, Jaime and your crew. So where did they come from? Who left these candles? None of it made any sense.

And yet, that did not faze you. This is what the dreams meant, this is why I’m here, you thought. Across the sea your sister had acquired dragons and now so would you. Were you two to ever team up, you’d be unstoppable.. but you had to push the thought from your mind. You were already a queen and you had people back home that you needed to return to and fight for. But you wouldn’t leave these eggs here, no, they were your destiny. You weren’t sure how but you were absolutely going to watch them hatch and grow.. by any means necessary. Continuing to caress them, you tried your best to make out their appearances in the dim candlelight.

One appeared to be black as night with just hints of grey that streaked across. Another looked as if it was entirely a deep blood red color. The final egg was what looked to be silver with markings you swear looked purple-ish in hue. All you could do was marvel at their beauty seeing as you were completely clueless as to how they could be hatched. The stories of what happened with your sister only ever really said that it was a miracle with absolutely no details. Oh, how you wished you could speak to her, not just for this but to know that you weren’t alone. A Targaryen alone in the world is a terrible thing.

You stared at them until you became exhausted and curled up on the hard floor beside them, hugging your furs close to your body for warmth. That night there were more dreams, just as you expected-- you hoped they’d come and tell you how to hatch these. But this dream was just as cryptic if not more so than the others. A great, roaring flame seemed to burst and out they came, three small dragons who each looked just as the egg they’d come from had. Next thing you knew, each was clung to you. One hung on your shoulder, another perched on your head and the final one being held in your arms like a child. Each one of them was yours and yours alone, you could feel it, there was an instant bond that you knew was impossible in breaking. You couldn’t picture your life without them anymore, like they had always been there. The one that you held in your arms looked up at you, letting out a small yelp that tugged at your heart strings. Just as you were about to respond, you woke up.

Sitting straight up, you gasped for air and felt beads of sweat drip down from your forehead. The dream was telling you that you needed to get to them but you couldn’t figure out how. That’s when you heard footsteps descending down the stairs. No! You needed to be alone. “NO!” you shouted, certainly loud enough for who you assumed to be Jaime to hear you. “VISENYA--” he called out, but you immediately cut him off. “LEAVE ME, PLEASE! PLEASE, JAIME! I NEED TO BE ALONE!” you cried desperately. Then you heard the steps retreat back up. Breathing a sigh of relief, you looked at the eggs. They looked like stone but you knew a life was growing instead.. maybe they had been growing all this time just waiting for you to come home.

It was hard to decipher what your dream had meant but it became clear that fire had to play some part in hatching them. There was your words.. fire and blood, they said. Fire and Blood. It was the key to all of this, you decided. A great fire must roar, just like in your dream, but blood also needed to be shed. Your own, perhaps? It was something you’d gladly give. You’d give anything at this point. Sighing, you basked in the silence where the only noise to be heard was the soft crackling of the candle flame. Your eyes swung back and forth between them all, wondering if they would look just as they had in your dream and if they’d cling to you in the same way. Would they bond to you and only you?

After another day of being completely entranced, you drifted off to sleep again. Your body felt weak. You hadn’t had any water or food since you’d arrived but you couldn’t tear yourself away from them, as if even a moment spent away meant that they’d die and it’d be all your fault. There was another dream, as to be expected at this point. In it, the great fire roared again with your eggs visible in the middle of it all. Testing your theory, you sliced a deep wound in your hand with the blade you kept with you at all times and squeezed the blood into the flame. At this point, your hand was blatantly in the fire but it did not burn. In fact, it’s warmth felt good. But as you waited, nothing happened. No matter how much blood you shed, the eggs stayed as still as stone. So what was it? What was the secret to this all? As your frustration built, you were awakened once again.

Immediately, you looked to them. “What is it you want?” you asked. “I need you,” you added desperately. You hadn’t even known what you had come to Dragonstone for but now that you did, you couldn’t leave without them. Nothing and no one could get you to leave their side until you’d figured it out. So you were going to do everything you could possibly think of. But first, you needed to build the flame-- that much was clear. What would come next was unclear but the large fire that they would sit in was absolutely necessary. So, you pushed the candles together so that their flames would combine, but still that was not nearly enough. Then you came to your knees again, scanning the ground. Was there some way to make a large fire? There had to be, right?

Yes. There was a liquid that coated the ground around the candles and eggs that you somehow hadn’t noticed before. Once again, you weren’t sure where it all came from but it didn’t matter to you. This was how you’d do it, something in your gut told you so. Hesitantly, you took one handle and lightly dipped its flame down into the mysterious liquid and it immediately ignited. You scrambled back as it quickly became out of control. The flames began to lick at your feet and while it melted the bottoms of your shoes, you felt no pain. Seems the whole “blood of the dragon” thing was real after all. What else could explain the fact that fire did absolutely nothing to you?

So, the fire grew larger and large until it engulfed the eggs and the surrounding area. You could see them sitting there just like it had been in your dream. But you knew that spilling your blood over them would not help you. So what else was there to do? What blood must you give and how? You stuck your fingertips into the fire, head tilted with curiosity. Then it was your whole and arm with absolutely no feeling besides an honestly comforting warmth. It was calling to you, just like before. So you did what felt right and walked into the flames more and more until you were at the center with the flames raging all around you. You gathered the eggs in your arms and held them close to your body.

THIRD PERSON POV.

Jaime had been anxiously sitting at the large table that seemingly once served as a room meant for plotting war moves. The house markers left behind were proof of such. That’s when he heard a large explosion come from the dungeons beneath him. His heart began to race and he took off, fearing the absolute worst. What had she gotten herself into down there? He knew that he should’ve just come down regardless. She was being reckless in keeping him away and he just let her.

He raced down the stairs hoping that it wasn’t as serious as he thought. But he was wrong. When he reached the bottom, he could see a completely out of control fire and no Visenya in sight. “VISENYA!” he screamed out as he came running closer. He could see the figure of someone standing at the fire’s center but that made no sense. Even if someone were to be burning alive in front of him, he would hear their screams of agony or watch them collapse. No one could stand there silently while skin melted from bone. Then, the fire exploded into an even larger flame and he, of course, jumped back. But then it completely died out.

As his eyes adjusted, it appeared as if the figure were still standing in the same spot. But how was that possible? Was this some strange nightmare? It must’ve been because this made no sense. The figure came closer and as it did, it looked as if it were some grotesque, amalgamated humanoid. When he finally saw, though, it was even more shocking. Dim light cascading down from the stairwell just barely lit what stood before him. There stood Visenya, soot covering her skin but seemingly no wounds, with dragons. One had perched itself on her head, another on her shoulder and one she held cradled in her hands. “Wh..” He was at a loss for words.

“I told you I needed to be here for a reason. The reason was them. They needed me,” she said. “I..” He still couldn’t figure out what to say and instead began to hurriedly take off his furs to cover her exposed body. But as he nearly her, the small creature let out what would’ve been a growl had it not been so little. It startled him yet she never flinched. Instead, she turned to look at the one who had made its place on her shoulder. “It’s okay,” she said softly. Nudging the creature down her arm and cradling it the way she had the other, she nodded to Jaime. He cautiously placed the cloth around her shoulders and she adjusted to wrap them around herself before holding the dragons close to her again. Without a word, she started back up the stairs and Jaime followed closely behind.

BACK TO READER’S POV.

They were here. You stepped into the flames, offering yourself to its mercy and when they died down, so did the old you. You had been reborn in that moment with your very own dragons as proof of it. Y/N would always be your name but you felt a whole new connection to Visenya. The woman you had been named after was a dragonrider and you would be one too. You wanted to embrace the dragon while still loving the wolf. And you would. When you returned to the North, you vowed to proudly present your dragons and make sure that no harm came to them. You vowed to yourself not to fear what the people might say. But you had also made a vow to the people to stand at their side and fight with them. Who could turn down a little extra help, right?

When you reached the room you’d been staying in, you let each of them onto your bed while you found something to wear. After dressing, you sat on the bed with them, gently caressing each one. You had decided that silver dragon with accents of purple would be named Vhagar in hopes that she would grow as big and strong as the one who came before her. The one who was entirely red would be called Raela for the mother you never knew. And finally, the black one with streaks of grey would be Nederys for the man who had saved your life. It felt right.

You nearly pinched yourself as you watched them coo at one another, finding it so hard to believe that this was reality. The world had thought that the dragons were gone but you and your sister had proven that not to be true. With any luck, this was only the beginning.

There was a light knocking on your door followed by a quiet voice, “Visenya?” Jaime inquired. Tearing your gaze away from the creatures, you opened the door and tilted your head slightly. “Yes?” you questioned. “Are you.. are you okay?” he asked, seemingly at a loss for words. “And why wouldn’t I be?” You had never felt better, in fact. You had spent most of your life hiding who you were and now you were embracing it.. thriving, even, as you embraced your Valyrian roots. He looked utterly shocked and the sight made you grin. You had completely bursted out of your shell-- no longer the “lowborn” girl who hid away back in Winterfell. You were a Stark, a Targaryen, a Queen and now a mother to your own dragons. “Well, you did step out of roaring flames..” he replied with a dry chuckle.

Yes, you did. Yet you had remained unscathed, save for the clothes that had been burned away and the soot that had covered your skin. “It was what they needed,” you said simply, looking over at the dragons on your bed and each of them tilted their heads curiously. You couldn’t help but to smile. “I suppose it is..” he replied, sighing. “Have you finished what your mission here? Are we returning to your husband now?” he asked, one brow quirked. “Which, if I may, I don’t see the northmen being too thrilled about their queen returning with, well-- weapons. Fire and ice don’t mix well.” He wasn’t wrong, you knew that.. but it didn’t change the frustration that his statements caused you.

“No,” you replied sternly. For someone who had been pushed the side most of her life, you wore confidence quite well. “There is still much to be done.”

#robb stark imagine #robb stark x reader #game of thrones imagine #game of thrones x reader #jaime lannister imagine

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intellijuice · 3 years

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Poetry thoughts - on my phone so errors are the phones fault. Thats right I'm passing the blame

Poems and what they mean how they make people feel give us insights into our human minds. In high school poems confused me. The only ones i liked where in fantasy books. Still i never understood them. And so naturally i liked them. The possibility if understanding something is a force as strong as the desire to love someone. Sometimes it is even greater

That said it certainly wasn't a hobby. I was good at it. My english teachers loved my work from primary school till the end of high school. The entire time I was oblivious to this of course and didn't even consider poetry as anything other then an old english thing or even something I was talented at. But every time it came up in english it was my time to shine because grammar was no longer an obstacle. I even now wonder had I not been gifted in creative writing if could if even passed english at all. The best i ever performed at high school and in university was in creative writing and poetry. And this was completely lost on me.

I have wanted to write a book from about the age I learnt how to read. So by that stage i thinking could write my name and that's it. To be in the process of turning that dream if professionally writing that I never believed was actually possible is terrifying. Because most jobs are relatable. People write emails, letters, and product descriptions. They write campaigns, descriptions, terms and conditions, essays, reports, requests, and so on and so on. And a lot of these forms of writing are becoming more and more automated. Grammarly for example is an app that I love, but often have to either compromise it disagree with. And so how many people actually write creatively for a living? And to be critical, how many of those creative writers have hit a creative roadblock?

Most people cannot relate to someone moving through a creative process. It just does not compute. Most artists will know this and share this frustration. That nagging for attention that leaves the air so still you swear you could hear their thoughts drowning out your own if that didn't mean you where crazy. That said we are all guilty of it. Especially struggling artists.

The worst part is it is not their fault. And yet it is not your fault either. You are not a clown for hire. You are not their jester. And so we play the fool, often out of fear of losing ourselves completely to our own art. A sacrifice that will always go unnoticed. Its a cruel world but we are not alone. And so to seek "quite company" is to be around people who can hear you even if they are not listening. Who can see you when you are not watching and can feel you without touching.

These poems i have been writing. They are often refer to you. You are people associated with the feelings. They could be anyone. Unless i am referring ti something that would be personally recognised by the individual. Something only they would know. Otherwise it is about the collection of entities I know.

This is a great way to write. Its efficient. Poetry is in a way all about efficiency. Poetry is telling an entire novel in sentence. It is about more then just the subject. The greatest poems are not written between lovers in vanity. They do not obsess about their desire for self reflection. They are universal and they teach us something unique about being human and where we are in world around us. They do not feed on our emotions without feeding us first.

And since I decided to take poetry seriously and i have been able to understand poems better. I guess as a child they use to mean a lot because your imagination is bigger. And while i like to think that hasn't changed, it is experience that has given me more clarity or insight into what the author was feeling. But we poets need to know that what we write can be interpreted in more ways then we can possibly imagine. And that is not to say that we will not try as that is exactly what we are doing by writing poems. Interpreting one concept within another and. Saying more then just the definition if the words and sentences.

A few nights ago I wrote a poem panel by panel playing around with my new iPad while i wait for the pen. I cannot type or write as fast as I can think and maybe that's the way it is for everyone. But if the ipad can learn my near impossible to decipher handwriting it might be the closest i have ever come.

So i wrote this poem in panels and discovered that the panels say the exact same thing if you read them one way or another. My next experiment will be to shuffle the panels

One if my favourite teachers showed us a technique where you flip to random pages in many different random books. Pick a paragraph or sentence and use them to build a poem. I feel like this applies by the same strange law that we are yet to realize . How does out brain out together abstract concepts and despite a specific meaning being given we understand it even more completely then if we had one because we already accepted the mystery.

I hope this gives some valuable insights and context to my work. I also hope your well and I am always somewhere for you.

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littleblackqrow · 3 years

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((I think the most frustrating part of watching people analyze the actions of characters in vol8 is that the biggest complaint is that logic is thrown out the window and I would argue that’s the point. Especially because of the perspective of the show. I really hate to keep picking on Ironwood, Qrow, and RWBY, but those characters are the ones driving the plot, so I guess we gotta.

Lets start with RWBY. They’re kids first off. WBY are all about 19-20 years old and Ruby is 17. Lets start off by saying those are ages not exactly known for smart, long term decision making. Most people that age are trying to figure out what they want to do for the rest of their lives, struggling with college, dates, drinking, sex for the first time. They’re stumbling around in adult bodies while still having more or less the mind of a teenager because society has suddenly stopped treating them like a kid and expects them to be an adult. Except instead of having to struggle with decisions about their near future, RWBY is being asked to save the world. If you think you could handle that pressure well at 17-19, you’re lying.

Does it make their decisions right though? No. The way they treated Ozpin for hiding the worst of his abuse and the fact that his ex-wife was an insane bitch who is functionally immortal is wrong. But again, I ask you, could you handle having all that dumped into your lap in an already stressful situation? The person who should be (and rightly is) condemned for his reaction is Qrow for throwing a punch. No matter how upset you are no hitting. Once you throw a punch in that situation, you’re the bad guy. And until he makes an effort of an apology he’s the bad guy in that situation.

The biggest problem that team RWBY has is that all of their terrible decisions throughout the show have either been rewarded, or the got bailed out from having to see the real consequences.

Ozpin allowed Blake to hide her White Fang past and therefore missed the least subtle component of the Fall of Beacon. Things could have been significantly less bad if he’d known about their involvement and was able to send Qrow in to spy on their operations. Maybe he could have figured out what Roman or Adam was up to, realized they were working for Cinder and by extension Salem.

Ozpin allowed team RWBY to do a mission that was a couple grades too advanced for them because he knew they’d break the rules otherwise. That was a tacit acknowledgement that he thought whatever they were up to was alright, and that they had his blessings on whatever it was that they wanted to do.

The best example of terrible decision after terrible decision that RWBYJNR makes is Argus. They have no idea how they’re getting the Relic to Atlas, and they seem road blocked. Jaune suggests stealing an airship, and Qrow, the adult in the room tells them that this is a bad idea, and if it goes bad it has the potential to screw up their entire life. He’s right. The problem is that he’d run off on his bender, and therefore the kids, and we in the audience, are supposed to see this as an unreasonable suggestion.

However, it plays out as him being right. The incredibly complicated plan did go wrong. Now, they had no reason to suspect at the time that Adam was stalking Blake at the time (and I could go into why thats perfectly ic for him at another date), but there were a lot of moving parts in this plan and literally any of them could have broken. Everything that happened after they put this plan into motion was reactionary. Cordovan, obsessed with showing the Might of Atlas (TM), jumped into the mech suit. At that point, Ruby didnt really have a choice of not breaking it. But the ensuing fight created enough general unease that it summoned a Grimm hoard.

By rights, Argus should have fallen because of their bad decisions and in spire of their best efforts. Instead, Cordovan had a change of heart at the last moment and bailed them out.

This just reinforced the flawed idea that RWBY is always in the right and directly lead to s7′s climax. They are the unstoppable force.

Now you have Ironwood, quite literally the unmovable object, which I now realize is sort of his name. Ha.

Ironwood’s behavior does not come out of nowhere. Since his appearance, he’s had problem stamped all over him. He showed up with an entire goddamn army to a supposedly peaceful event that is to promote unity and the excellence of each kingdom. His rationale is that the people are going to be impressed with his big guns and feel safe. Ozpin gently points out that those big guns also signal to people that there is something out there that those big guns are designed to shoot.

If its not a Grimm, could it mean that Atlas intends to shoot people?

Remember we’re not even 100 years out from the last World War, one that was basically started by Atlas. People are nervous. There are still grandparents and great grandparents alive today that were kids when the Great War was happening. Not only that but we’re also made aware that Atlas has rolled in the apolitical protectors of the people, the Huntsmen, into its military. This elite fighting force that is basically above the law and can go to any country in the world whenever they want, is now part of the military. The ONLY standing military that Remnant seems to have.

All of this has obviously caused friction in the Inner Circle. Qrow is not quite and never has been quiet about his disdain for James’ heavy handed techniques. Glynda calls James’ actions a dick measuring competition, and Ozpin was trying to be gentle about it, but he was clearly telling Ironwood to get his army off his fucking front lawn. And what did Ironwood do? He’d gone around Ozpin and talked to the Vale council. They were threatening to remove Oz fro his position because they agreed with Ironwood: he was being too passive. Ironwood even tells Glynda that he cant believe that a man he trusted for so long would just sit by and stand to the side instead of meeting the problem head on. He didnt seem to understand why Qrow would want to go gather intelligence on an operation before sending in the big guns.

Ironwood has never been a man to put a well thought out plan with all his ducks in a row into motion. This is a man who plows through opposition at every opportunity.

And when we see him again, we can see him steamrolling through opposition again. Somehow he got himself two seats on the council. That gives him an enormous amount of power. And his position as general means that at any point he can declare an emergency and become the de facto dictator of Atlas if he deems it fit. The problem is that he’s having these arguments against Jacques Schnee a man that the audience rightly hates, so he seems reasonable. Who gives a fuck about Jacques loosing business, he’s a dickhead. We’re not noticing the fact that James is consolidating power, or that he’s using that power to make unilateral decisions with no one telling him no.

There’s no one left in the room who is able or willing to tell him that these are bad ideas, that there will be consequences that he cant foresee. His bullish behavior lead to both Robyn Hill and Jacques Schnee running for an empty council seat, and that created the environment that we walked into in s7.

Now, not all James’ ideas are bad. The Amity Project is actually a really good one, and James is right in wanting to keep it from the general public until its near completion. But you know who should have known? The other fucking council members. Probably the candidates. Playing your cards too close to the chest when you clearly need help and allies is a bad thing. But again, James didnt even trust Ozpin to be able to run his own kingdom, so durr hurr of course he’s the only one who can take care of Amity. And run a kingdom. And run an academy. And protect an ageing, ailing Maiden. And of course he doesnt have time to treat his horrific PTSD from the Fall of Beacon.

So when things go tits up because again, of course they will with a plan that complex James Ironwood doubles the fuck down on his terrible solo decision making. Clearly, non of this is his fault. No one is listening to him. He cannot trust others to make decisions so he’s going to make all of them. There’s no one around him to tell him no, especially because the first person that tried was publicly executed.

James is scared. He’s had a mental break because of that fear. His paranoia, his PTSD, and the fact that there’s nothing there to help him back to stability means that he’s just going to be bouncing from one terrible choice to the next. He’s Hamlet in the throes of paranoia, heading down a road that is going to get everyone, including himself killed. He is King Lear as the world crumbles around him, acting cruel and making unreasonable, horrible demands of those around him.

Working with Watts seems like an absolutely terrible idea, but to someone who thinks that he is in control of the situation because he has to be in order to keep functioning, there’s no way that this can bite him in the ass. For James, if no one is willing to follow his orders, he’s going to make them. This attitude is probably exactly why Watts did what he did and joined Salem in the first place.

So when you combine the unstoppable force of Team RWBY, who’s been told they’re the child saviors of the world, and who’ve been either rewarded or bailed out of their bad decisions against the immovable object of Ironwood and his absolute conviction in himself, you have the mess Atlas is in now.

Honestly I find it kind of brilliant.

#headcanon #rwby meta #ok to reblog

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backtobackbakubabe · 4 years

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I’m Gonna Make This Place Your Home (Part 3)

Bakugo x Reader

Words: 2896

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One night, a year or so ago Bakugo had gotten a little tipsy and decided it would be a great idea to take all of the batteries out of the smoke alarms. That way he wouldn't have to deal with them every time he thew a fit and his hands sparked up. So he was really surprised when he woke up one morning to one of them blaring. Kirishima must have replaced them.... damnit shitty hair. He groaned as he rolled out of bed, “What the fuck is going on?”

He was absolutely exhausted. You had another nightmare last night and just like the last time you accidentally pulled him into it. He handn’t been able to sleep after that and he couldn't go to your room because then you would know he had seen it. He knew it wasn't his fault but it still felt like an invasion of your privacy.

He strolled out of his bedroom in nothing but a pair of sweatpants and made his was to the source of his growing headache. He walked into the kitchen and there you were. You looked extremely confused and alarmed as smoke billowed from the toaster. You pulled the plug from the wall and huffed at the ruined toast. “Shit...”

He couldn’t help it. He started laughing harder than he had in years.

You spun around, giving him a good look at the pancake mix in your hair, “OH! Bakugo I’m so sorry! I was trying to make you breakfast... but its definitely not as easy as you make it look...” You plopped down in one of the chairs and it wasnt until now that he realized you weren't wearing any pants. Just his oversized hoodie. He couldnt judge though he wasnt exactly wearing a shirt. A fact you were acutely aware of as you desperately tried to avoid staring at his perfect abs.

You huffed again, “I ruined everything....”

He smirked, “Nah, theres nothing here that cant be fixed... well maybe not the toast. Thats a lost cause.” He held his hand out to you, “Ready for your first cooking lesson?”

He proceeded to flit around the kitchen like a true professional but he never took over. Instead he would just tell you what you needed to do. He wanted to make sure you were actually learning. He knew he couldnt take care of you forever. There were things you missed out on growing up and he was going to make sure you became a functioning adult.

You guys sat at the table with the banquet of food around you. You beamed as you took your first bite, “This is actually good!”

He scoffed, “Excuse me? I helped you, of course it’s good...”

You giggled, “Thanks for that by the way. I know it must be frustrating to teach a grown ass woman how to do basic things...”

“Okay first of all dont ever think that. Its not your fault you didnt get to learn this stuff. And second.... that is the second time you’ve used a curse word today. What gives? Am I rubbing off on you? You’ve only been here a week.” He wagged his eyebrows.

You gave his shoulder a quick swat, “Maybe I swear like a sailor but I've been playing nice. You dont know me.”

He narrowed his eyes a bit, “You’re right. I dont. But I’d like to...” He bit into a piece of bacon and groaned, “I do know one thing though, you make some good ass bacon.”

He spent the rest of the day teaching you every day tasks from doing laundry to how to use the internet. You paid close attention and would periodically stop him to write something down so you wouldn’t forget. He was currently showing you how to log in to Netflix when an idea hit him, “Oi! Do you know how to ride a bike?”

You gave him a weird look, “I used to have one with training wheels when I was little but my mom never taught me how to ride one without them. I had wanted my dad to teach me but he died when I was little.”

He sucked in a breath. He still hadn't told you about your mom. Did you know what she did to you? Did you know your mom sold you to the highest bidder? And your dad? He had no idea he had died.... was there anything about your childhood that was happy? “I’m sorry to heat about your dad.”

You just shrugged, “I was really little. My mom always said I was his little mini me. Said I looked just like him and had the heart to match. He was a really nice guy....” You expression grew sad, “Sometimes when I was younger after I had been taken by the villains... if I was having a really bad day I would pretend he was still alive. Because he never would have let them take me.” A single tear slid down your cheek but you caught it, “Look at me getting all emotional. No need to cry over something I cant change right?”

He took your hand in his and gave it the softest squeeze, “I’d say you’re entitled to a few tears. Given what you’ve been through, I don't know how you get out of bed some mornings.” Especially after the nightmares he’d witnessed first hand.

You sniffed back your tears as you returned a quick squeeze to his hand, “Easy. I have you.”

He didnt know what to say. To the rest of the world he was Ground Zero, the temperamental, cocky hero. But you see so much more. You bring out the best in him and whether he likes it or not he's changing because of it. “Oi. Put some fucking pants on. You're going to learn how to ride a bike!”

“....Do you even have a bike?”

No, he didnt. But Kirishima did. “You just worry about yourself, and let me figure out the bike situation. Alright?”

You scurried off to your room to change and get ready for the day. You pulled on a pair of leggings and a clean shirt. It may have been Bakugos but at this point you didnt think he’d mind. You threw your hair up in a ponytail and gave yourself a quick look in the mirror. You really needed a haircut. Even in a ponytail it was well down your back. There was a pair of scissors in the kitchen, maybe you could just cut it yourself.

Thats how you ended up in the bathroom hair in one hand, scissors in the other. Right as you were about to make your first cut, someone cleared their throat behind you. “Oi! Crazy pants! Put the scissors down before you fuck your hair up. All I said was put on some pants not go full on Mulan...” He sighed, “There’s someone here I want you to meet. He can be pretty annoying but I promise he’s not that ba-”

“Hey who are you calling annoying you grump old man.” Kirishima looked at the scissors in you hand, “Oh cool. Giving yourself a haircut? I did that once when I was seven. Wasn't a good look. But I’m sure yours will look much better.”

Bakugo was rubbing his temples in frustration, “Y/n this this is shitty hair, shitty hair this is y/n.”

You gave him a soft giggle, “The fact that he calls you shitty hair makes me think I shouldn't listen to you.” You put the scissors down, “I do want to cut it though. It’s a pain in the ass.”

Bakugo scoffed, “You’re the pain in the ass, dont try and blame it on your hair. Although you do shed worse than any dog I’ve ever known. Your hair is all over the apartment.... Come here.” He turned you towards the mirror, “Alright look straight ahead and dont fucking move... how short do you want it?”

You motioned to the tops of your shoulders, “Like around here maybe. I dont know what do you think shitty hair?”

Kirishima chuckled, “You can call me Kirishima.” He shrugged, “I dont know anything about hair.”

Bakugo huffed, “Yeah clearly, hence the name shitty hair.” He looked at you through the mirror, “I would go just a little longer.... like maybe here.” He motioned to a bit below you shoulder. His hand was rather close to your breasts and it made both of you blush. “I’ll see if I can get you an appointment somewhere soon. Until then what if I just braid it to get it out of the way?”

Your blush deepened, “Yeah that would be nice.”

His fingers felt so good carding though your hair. You closed your eyes and had to fight back the urge to hum. You needed to pull it together. Bakugo was nice enough to let you into his life and has gone above and beyond to make sure you’re well taken care of and comfortable. You didn't need to fuck that up by having feelings for him.

Your eyes jolted open when he cleared his throat behind you, “Uh...I’m done now.” Your eyed met his through the mirror and noticed his cheeks were almost as red as yours, “Ready to learn how to ride a bike?”

Kirishima caught Bakugo as you guys were leaving the apartment letting you go on ahead, “Dude? When the fuck did you learn how to braid hair? Who are you and what have you done with Bakugo?”

Bakugo pulled his arm away from him, “Shut the fuck up and I swear if you tell anyone about it I’ll end you!” Bakugo hadn't been completely honest with his best friend about who you were or why you were living with him. He knew you were the girl from his dreams but he didnt know you had been a prisoner or that there was a small possibility you were being hunted.

Kirishima raised his hands up in defense, “I’m just saying man you seem awfully invested in this girl. I mean she’s wearing your shirt! She’s obviously pretty and from what I can tell she seems nice and all but come on man you haven't been to work in over a week... The director says you either come in tomorrow or you’re fired....”

Bakugo growled, “As if he would actually have the balls to fire Ground Zero.” He took a few steps before stopping and running a hand through his hair, “Tell him I’ll be there tomorrow... I just need to tell y/n.”

Kirishima put his hand on his shoulder, “She’s a big girl Bakugo. I’m sure she’ll be fine without you for a few hours. Whats the worst that could happen?”

Bakugo groaned, “I really wish you hand asked that. It’s like you’re trying to jinx us.”

When they got outside you were already sitting on the bike, rolling it back and forth looking like an excited child, “What took you guys so long?! Come on!”

Kirishima rubbed the back of his neck, “So Y/n... how in the world did you make it this far in life without knowing how to ride a bike?”

Before Bakugo could intercept the question you were shrugging it off, “Guess you could say I grew up sheltered. Now are we doing this or not?”

A few minutes later Bakugo was behind you holding your waist and walking slowly as you got used to peddling the bike.

He leaned in and whispered in your ear, “Let me know when you're ready for me to let go.” The combination of his strong hands on your waist and his warm breath on your neck... it was giving you goosebumps.

You felt a chill run down your spine, “Bakugo dont you dare fucking let go. I thought this was going to be a lot easier!”

He chuckled, “Don’t be stupid you’re doing fine! I won't let go until you’re ready.”

You took a deep breath, “Okay I can do this.... It’s not a big deal. Children do this.... Bakugo I think I’m ready...”

“Well good because I already let go.”

Your head swiveled back and forth incredulous that you had not noticed that he had let go. It was a terrible idea because as soon as you weren't one hundred percent focused on peddling you started to tilt.

“Shit! Y/n!” Bakugo threw himself between you and the pavement just in time to catch you. “Watch it will yeah?” You landed on top of him your nose dangerously close to his.You could hear your heart pounding. You were close enough to smell his signature caramel sent and it made your mouth water. He brushed a hair out of your face. “Are you okay? You’re looking at me funny....”

You blinked rapidly trying to wake yourself up from whatever daydream you were starting to have. “Yeah I’m fine... thanks.”

He shrugged, “It was my fault for letting go. I won't do that again.”

Your heart picked up the pace at his words. He obviously meant he wouldn't let go while you were riding the bike, but you desperately wished he meant something else. But he was Ground Zero. He was an attractive, successful Pro hero. You were probably nothing more than a wounded animal to him. He deserved someone with less baggage.

You pushed yourself off of him, no longer in the mood to ride a bike. “I know this is silly... but I kind of want to go get coffee.” His caramel sent was still invading your senses and it made you crave your favorite beverage. You had tried different drinks through trail and error before you found what you liked and you named it the cinnamon roll latte. It was a vanilla latte with two pumps of caramel and cinnamon instead of sugar. It smelled just like someone you knew and it was absolutely delicious.

Kirishima walked over and helped you two get up and picked up the bike, “Coffee sounds good. I have an overnight shift coming up tonight and I’m already dreading it.”

Bakugo dusted off his pants and nodded, “Yeah coffee sounds nice. Same place as usual?”

You smiled, “Of course!”

You guys had been back to the same coffee house over and over again and the bitchy barista always had something to say but you kept insisting to Bakugo it wasnt worth getting her in trouble.

You practically skipped through the door into the coffee house and right up to the empty counter. The barista gave you a bored look, “Let me guess, the usual?”

You nodded, “Yup! Him as well. He wants to try it!” You pointed at Bakugo behind you who was already taking out his wallet to pay. You needed to try and find a job soon. You couldn't mooch off of him forever. You saw a sign next to the register that said they were hiring. You knew if you brought it up Bakugo would insist it wasn't necessary, so you would just come back tomorrow when he went to work. You refused to be a burden on anyone.

The barista who's name you had found out was Tasha rolled her eyes, “I see you finally found some clothes of your own.

Bakugo put his arm around your shoulders, “Actually the shirts mine but it looks way better on her doesn't it?” He winked at you before retiring his attention to Tasha who’s mouth was hanging open. Bakugo narrowed his eyes at her, “I said doesn't it?”

She handed back his credit card with a quick nod, “Yes. I’m sorry it looks great on you.”

When you had found a booth to sit at you turned to him and slapped his shoulder, “Bakugo you have got to stop bullying the barista!”

His eyes about popped out of their sockets, “Are you kidding me?! She's the one who always has to say some shit about you every other time we come here!”

You sighed, “So? Let her be the source of her own misery. You dont need to stoop to her level. You’re better than that.”

He huffed and fiddled with the napkin dispenser on the table, “Yeah whatever you say....”

Kirishima looked back and forth between the two of you, “What..... the actual fuck? She just scolded you and you’re.... you’re okay with it?”

Bakugo shrugged, “She’s right... there’s no point in bickering with people who aren't worth it.”

You smiled as you leaned up and kissed his cheek. It was a bold move, but it was something you had wanted to do for a while now.

He gave you an incredulous look and narrowed his eyes, “What the fuck was that for.”

Tasha cleared her throat behind him, “Here’s the coffees you guys ordered. Have a great day.”

Bakugo waited for her to be out of earshot before he belted out a laugh, “Oi! Here you are acting all high and mighty talking about being the bigger person and then you go and try to make the barista jealous? You're sneaky.”

He took a sip of his coffee while you just giggled. He didnt need to know that you had no idea Tasha had been standing there. He didnt need to know that you had kissed his cheek because you wanted to. You looked up and mer Kirishima’s eyes. He smirked at you, “Well aren't you two just adorable?”

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Taglist : @carolinawindsay @fukyouthink @targaryens-blog

#bakugo #bakugo katsuki #Katsuki Bakugō #bhna bakugou #bakugo x reader #bakugo x y/n #bnha #bnha fanfiction #bnha imagines #bnha x reader #bnha bakugo katsuki #mha #mha imagines #mha bakugou #mha x reader #bakugo imagine

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gale-gentlepenguin · 5 years

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ML fic: A Kiss to Remember: Part 3

(Part 1) (Part 2)

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Ladybug had landed on her balcony, making sure no one saw her as she slipped through the hatch to her bedroom. She quietly closed the hatch and transformed back into her civilian self.

Marinette went over and laid down face first on her bed. She screamed into her pillow.

The red Kwami that popped out of her earrings watched with an emotionless stare as the bluish black haired designer vented her emotions.

“Why did I let that stupid cat talk me into that? “ She vented. “Why did I let myself get so annoyed with all of the gossip anyway? This is the worst! Now Chat noir is hurt from this whole exchange and I can't help him feel better because its my fault he is like this.”

Marinette was expecting her Kwami companion to say something. Usually Tikki would comment on how she was overreacting, or how she could have handled the situation better. But the ladybug Kwami was completely silent.

Marinette looked up to see her kwami floating to her desk. She took a macaroon and began nibbling on the food in silence.

“Tikki...” Marinette spoke her voice soft and hurt.

Tikki stopped eating. She turned to look at Marinette.

“Are you sorry you broke his heart Or are you sorry you lied?” Tikki’s question hit her with the force of a boot to the gut.

“I am in love with another guy. I told him the truth.” Marinette answered.

“That wasn't the question he asked.” Tikki shot back. “You and I both know that.”

Marinette looked at her.

“I didn't want to give him any false hope. Why tell him that there was a small, minuscule, very nearly impossible chance?” Marinette exclaimed.

“Because its the truth! You hate Lila’s lies because they are hurtful and selfish. This is a prime example of a Lie that is mean and hurtful.” Tikki answered.

“I was doing it to help him! Why would me telling him that there might be a small chance that I could return his feelings be any different then giving him false hope? It would be selfish to string him along on a notion of false hope.” The designer fired back.

“Just like how it would be selfish to lie to him just to stop annoying gossip.”

Tikki’s stare felt like it could put a hole through Marinette’s head. But Marinette wasn't backing down.

Tikki’s expression softened.

“I know how irritating it was for you to hear this talk about Ladybug and Chat noir. I know you are in love with Adrien. But I also know deep down, there is a part of you that has thought of Chat noir in that way. Maybe not recently with how childish he had been, but you know he is trying and I know you felt it in that kiss.”

Marinette felt her resolve shake for a brief moment with the Kwami’s words but she still felt that she made the right decision.

“It still wouldn't justify leading Chat noir on like that.”

“What if this was you asking Adrien about having a chance at a relationship? Would Adrien telling you that the chance of a relationship with him being small but not impossible, dissuade your feelings? Would you honestly consider that him leading you on?” Tikki inquired.

“What about when Adrien asked me for advice about Kagami? I stood aside then and tried to let Adrien be happy.” Marinette answered.

“So you have not pursued Adrien at all since then?” Tikki inquired.

Marinette’s look showed a pained expression which made tikki regret her words. The Kwami flew over and hugged her.

“I am sorry Marinette. I am not trying to sound mean or make you out to be the bad guy, but I just don't think this was handled right. I know you do believe that you are making the right call with this. But it seems like every time you lie regarding your feelings it always backfires. I just don't want this blowing up in your face.” Tikki answered

Marinette’s expression changed as she returned the hug. She knew Tikki was looking out for her.

“I understand what your saying. I admit that some of my reasoning may have been out of frustration, but I do believe that this is for the best. Chat noir being able to move on will cut all of the drama and save so much heartache later on. If this did turn out to be a mistake, I will rectify it. But I am sure that that this was the right decision after my mistake of kissing the cat. But I do wish I didn't need to hurt his feelings to do it. But it is either a now or later situation.” Marinette explained calmly.

“Very well, I won't mention any more about it. You should get some rest.” Tikki accepted.

Tikki floated back to her cookie. Tikki knew that if Marinette knew what she knew, this would be a very different conversation, But the red kwami understood that it was her job to advise her chosen but she also knew Marinette needed to make her own decisions, perhaps this was for the best. Love always finds a way.

Marinette changed into her pajamas before going to bed, trying her best not to think about what happened.

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Marinette didn't sleep a wink.

She kept thinking about Chat noir. Tikki had made her doubt her decision, and made her worried that her partner might be on the receiving end of an akumatization.

She managed to drag herself to school where she slumped into her seat, where her best friend seemed to be glowing.

“I got a note from Chat noir. He has an announcement that he wants to do live tonight on my blog.” The blogger whispered with excitement.

Marinette sat up after hearing this.

“An announcement? What would chat noir...” Marinette sheepishly asked before remembering the other part of her deal with chat noir. She ceased speaking, thankfully Alya was more then willing to talk.

“He didn't give any specifics but he did mention that it was important and revolved around his relationship with Ladybug. This is gonna be the biggest scoop since the kiss from Last week.”

“Yea... I can't wait.” Marinette spoke with a tired fake enthusiasm which her bff failed to notice due to her own excitement.

The late bell rang just as a blond model walked into the classroom.

“You are running late Adrien.” Ms.bustier mentioned.

“Sorry... I had trouble getting up this morning.” Adrien admitted.

The young teacher sighed with her trademark smile still on her face.

“Just be sure to get more sleep tonight.”

“I will try.”

The exhausted teen moved to his seat. He was clearly just as exhausted as the designer. His eyes were slightly puffy, his clothes were a tad wrinkled, even his hair was a touch messier then normal. Even models seem to have bad mornings.

“You alright dude... you seem out of it.” His DJ best friend asked as ensured the teacher was focusing on teaching before asking the question.

“Just didn't sleep well, lot on my mind....” Adrien answered in a near emotionless tone, unknown to everyone else, he was doing his best not to have a break down.

Despite the absolute destruction of his heart that felt like the equivalent to taking a cataclysm to the chest, he managed not to burst into tears. He managed to keep himself contained. It was one of the few things that he had learned when dealing with his father. He couldn't sleep, he kept thinking about the rejection. It was heart shattering, but if he felt his emotions get close to akumatizable levels of sorrow, he thought about the kiss. The sweet melancholy of the kiss he had with Ladybug was the last thing keeping him from being an emotional wreck.

Sure enough, day came and showed the blond that the world wasn't ending over his heart break.

He was hoping class would last as long as possible, as he did not look forward to what he had to do later today.

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The day seemed to blur together for Marinette as she made it back to her room.

Alya had told her the live stream would start at 4 on the dot. She didn't know what compelled her to turn on the channel. Tikki was off in the corner, as if refusing to watch the events that were about to unfold. Marinette had turned it on a few minutes after four.

“I must say it is a pleasure to have you on the stream chat noir. Is there a chance Ladybug will be joining us?” The blogger asked with an excited smile.

Chat noir’s cheshire grin looked a bit forced but only those who knew him would be able to tell.

“It is nice talking with my favorite blogger. Sadly it will just be me today.” Chat noir bantered.

“I am sure the viewers tuning in don't mind at all. But enough banter, you wanted to schedule this stream because you have an important announcement.” Alya answered as she moved to the main event.

Chat noir cleared his throat and his grin shrank a bit.

“My La... Ladybug and I have been the talk of Paris for the last week. Not that I don't get why, we are pretty awesome.” He joked.

“I think its because of that kiss on the rooftop that has the city of love abuzz.” Alya chimed in.

“It is a nice picture. I was happy to see it for a bit.” Chat noir admitted. “But that isn't accurate to our relationship.”

Marinette’s eyes widened as she heard the cat’s words. Her eyes glued to the stream.

Alya’s smile faded.

“Wait what?”

Chat noir’s expression was now much more stoic and the mood of the live stream shifted.

“Ladybug and I, we are close. We are a crime fighting duo and she is someone I know I can count on. We aren't a couple, never have been,... never will be.”

Marinette felt as if her heart got stabbed as he said that. It felt as if she heard the remnants of his heart shatter when he said that last part.

“Are you sure on that? You always said that...”

“A relationship is a two way street.” Chat noir interrupted. “I can't keep pushing for one if Ladybug doesn't see me that way. It’s a hard fact to swallow, but thats how it is.”

Alya was stunned by the black cat hero’s statements, this was definitely not how she was expecting the show to go.

“None of you should fault Ladybug for this. I know how passionate some of you are about my pursuit of her. I will not accept any badmouthing or any harmful actions against her.” Chat noir stood up sternly. “If you have a problem with this then you can bring it up with me.”

Alya’s mind was flooded with questions.

“Wait hold on. What even brought this about? Did something happen between you and Ladybug? Was their a fight?” Alya asked each question as fast as she could.

“That is all I wanted to say. Our partnership will not be impeded by this, and I hope you will all understand.” Chat noir finished, ignoring the bloggers rapid fire questions. He simply moved away from the stream, where Alya tried to gather her thoughts

Marinette turned off the stream.

She had made the right decision, this was better for everyone in Paris.

But the only question in her mind was, why were there tears in her eyes?

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(I rewrote this chapter Like 4 times and this was the version I felt was the most realistic in terms of everyone’s character. Please let me know your thoughts and if you want a continuation. (though if you do, please be patient, it will likely be a few days before I can write another chapter)

#ml #A Kiss to Remember #ml fanfic #ml fic #ladynoir #adrienette #adrien agreste #Marinette dupain cheng #tikki #chat noir #alya cesaire #Nino lahiffe #ms bustier #miraculous ladybug #miraculous fanfiction

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supergirlimagine · 5 years

Text

Lost & Found pt. 5

Heeeeey Guys! Alright so this has been Real! I had the best time working on this with the one and only @baked-bean-bekah! So this will be MY last Part for this Series. She’ll be leading us out with the final Part sometime next Week! Be excited! I Really enjoyed putting this together and thanks to everyone who showed us some love! We really appreciate it and are Glad you guys liked it, we shall see how this ends! Thats it from me✌🏽

Thanks for Reading🖤

The DEO is busy with Agents and IT personal scattering around. The latest attack had everyone on high Alert. In the Middle of it all, Maggie stands with Alex and Supergirl, looking at the Screen in Silence. A Picture of you was pulled up. A scared young child with a lost expression in her eyes, your baggy hospital gown making you look way to thin. You held up a sign that read: Subject 9473. Alex breaks the Silence.

"Brainy. Find Project Shockwave and tell me about it."

"I am not sure if we can access said File, Director Danvers. It seems to have been filled away as..Classified.”

"Then find a way, Agent Dox.", her order left no Room for argument.

Brainy ducked his head and works his fingers over the Tablet for a Few Seconds, just like that, the File showes up on the Screen. He starts rattling of the Details.

"Project Shockwave. A Cadmus experimental trial which had its Participants, from an unknown Planet of Origin, compete against each other to test their Strength and Stamina. The goal of the Program was to understand and then Convert the Subjects Abilities as a use for an never exhausting Power Source, meant for all Electronical Devices. Ultimately, the creation of Weapons with electricity currents, that would be stronger than any Man made machine, would come to be. Although, it looks like the Test Subjects were unable to meet the criteria in all but one cases and deceased shortly after Initiation of the Program. The dissection of the Subjects proved that...-"

"Okay. We get it." Maggie cuts him off, having heard enough.

"What about Y/N?"

Brainy lookes at her confused. She cleares her throat and shifts uncomfortably.

"Subject..9473?", she clarifies.

"Oh, yes. It looks like this Test Subjects was brought into the Programm as a young Child and was monitored and tested throughout Adolescence. Said Subject is known to Produce large amounts of Energy, which were successfully converted into Electricity. With excessive testing and training, the subject was later able to change it's monocular structure and Teleporte through any Electrical current. For safety reason, the Subject was held in Isolation. Held in a Glass Cell, surrounded by Water as it was one of the few ways to disciple the Subject. Power blocked devices were placed around it's Wrists at all times. Furthermore,..-"

"That's Enough. Thank you.", Alex cut him off this time, starting to feel sick to her stomach.

They hade somewhat of an Idea of what had happened to you, but were never able to get the full story. You had refused to tell all of it and they decided to stop pushing.

"Get the Alpha Team ready. We are moving out."

Without spearing another glance, Alex turned around and headed for the Armory. Supergirl close on her toes, determination strong in her features.

"Danvers! Wait." Maggie caught up with a few quick steps.

"Where do you think you’re going?"

She whipped around quickly and looked at her Finance.

"I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago! I'm taking down Cadmus and then finding Y/N."

She made a move to leave again, when Maggie grabbed her Arm.

"Wow. Hey, Stop. You don't even have a Plan or any Clue on where to start. Let's think this through!"

Alex started getting irritated.

"No! Listen, Sawyer. I don't care! All they do is hurt People and use them for their own gain. I'm so sick of it! This ends tonight!"

Emotions were running high and Maggie matched her frustration.

"There is no point in running in there blind! You are going to get yourself hurt! Lets take a step back. I know you’re angry..-"

"I'm not Angry, Maggie! Im furious! They hurt the People I care about! Y/N is out there alone right now and probably terrified! If you would've just..-"

Maggie let go of the Brunettes arm and looked at her with raised Eyebrows.

"If I would have what, Danvers?"

"If you would have just stayed behind with her! Like I told you to!" Alex was close to shouting at this point and heavy Silence followed her Outburst.

Immediately, Alex felt guilty as the hurt expression crossed over her Lovers Face. She avoided her eyes in Shame and continued in a low voice.

"I'm Sorry. No, this is not your fault in any way. Its Just..If I would've been better and faster and paid more attention to her. I'm supposed to be the Director. I'm supposed to know these things. This is on me. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to let my anger out on you."

Maggies facial expression softened and she pulled Alex to the side when she saw her eyes starting to water.

"Hey, Alex. This is not anybodies fault, especially not yours. We will get her back and we will get justice, but not like this. I can't lose you too. Please."

Alex looked up now and stepped closer to Maggie, almost whispering the next words.

"I know you’re right..I'm just.. I'm scared''

Maggie tilted her head to the side, flashing her Dimples with a sad smile.

"I know, Babe. Me too."

It's been two Days since the Attack and two Days of you being back on the streets. You had not eaten or slept. You were constantly looking over your shoulder, frightened by every small noise. Using you Powers after such a long time had taken a lot out of you, but you couldn't afford to rest just yet and debating your next steps wasn't an easy task. Your brain was telling you to get out of town, leave this Place behind and find somewhere far away where they wouldn't be able to get to you. But there was a tightness in your chest, a hollow feeling creeped through your veins at the thought of leaving this City behind. You had never felt this before, like there was something that had made you want to hold on. You let out a sigh at the realization of how much you missed them. That's what this Felling was. You wanted nothing more than to go back Home and cry in their Arms and never leave their sides again, but that would be too dangerous. What if Cadmus found you there or worst yet, punish them for helping you? You had never felt this torn, because for the first Time since you could remember, you felt like there was something worth fighting for, like you had a chance at a happy and normal Life. Letting to ine good thing in your Life go just seemed like something you couldn't handle. The Rain was coming down heavy and you were trying to find cover in some Alleyway. Just as you were rounding the corner you saw a Tall Man towering over a frightened Young Woman. He was yelling at her.

"Give me your Purse! Now!"

She handed it over and you saw a Knife clutched in his fist, as he went through her Stuff. For a split second you wanted to turn around and just walk away, but that's not what Maggie and Alex would do. They are Heroes and they help People, so you should do the same.

"Hey!", you yelled and started to run towards the Guy.

He turned around just in time to see your eyes start to glow and Electricity forming in your Hands. He looked at you wide eyed, dropped the Purse and ran in the other Direction. You came to a stop in front of the scared woman, not thinking it was worth it to chase after the Guy. When you bent down to gather her Belongings and hand them back to her, you suddenly heard a voice yell behind you.

"NCPD! Freeze!"

You stoop up and turned around with the Purse in your Hand, this was bad.

"No!" You looked at the Officer with a shocked expression, understanding what this must look like.

You still had the woman's Purse in a tight grip and your eyes where glowing a pale blue, sparks still running along your finger tips.

"I'm helping!" You yelled back through the Rain.

The gun remained pointed in your direction so you turned and looked at the Lady, pleading with your eyes to back up your story, but all she did was stare at you in Horror.

"Keep those arms up!", the wavering Voice of the Officer made you turn your Head back around.

"I'm going to come over there an put these cuffs on you!" He reached behind him and pulled out a heavy set of cuffs.

You knew those and knew they would dampen your Powers.

"Please! Listen me..-"

"No! Just keep you Mouth Shut and no sudden Movements or I WILL shoot!", He mostly kept his composure, but it wasn't hard to tell that he was new and probably just as nervous and scared as you were right now.

You choose to not push any further, you could see this going sideways. The Cop slowly walked over to you, gun still raised and pointed forward, the Rain around you making it hard to see. The Lady standing off to your side finally seemed to snap back into her surrounding. She made a move forward and tried to make the Officer understand that this was all one big Misunderstanding. The sudden movement startled you enough to look around and put one arm out to let her know you had it handled. The next part happened so fast, you are not even sure it happened at all.

"I said don't move!" thats the last thing you heard before the deafening sound of a gun shot rang through the Allyway. The familiar sensation of Pain ran up your Leg, before the ground came up to meet you.

"Sawyer?" Maggies voice came out raspy and heavy with sleep.

They had been up for the most part of the last couple days. Looking for you and for a way to take down Cadmus and get you back safely. It was around 3 am now and they had just fallen asleep on the couch, surrounded by research and anything else that could help them.

"What?" She was standing just half a second later.

Fully awake now as Alex was slowly opening her eyes.

"Where is she?!" She raised her voice and Alex was at her side this time around already, trying her best at listening in on the Phone Call.

"What?? What do you mean she..- You know what! Nevermind We'll be there in 15min."

She hung up her Phone and walked over to the Front Door, where Alex was already putting on her shoes.

"Who was that? Where is she? Is she ok?"

She asked as she handed her Finance her coat.

"That was my work." Alex was just as confused as Maggie now.

"She's at the NCPD extraterrestrial Holding Cells."

They both shared a look and rushed out the Door, everything else forgotten.

You sit on one of the benches inside a small basement Cell. Your hands still locked in those awful Handcuffs behind your back. The bullet had only grazed your leg and it bleed a little bit, but they had wrapped it up with some gauze and had you sit down and wait for...you don't really know what you were waiting for. All you know is you were cold. You still had your clothes on which were damp from the rain and stuck to your body in an uncomfortable way. This was not how you thought this Night would have gone. Suddenly, a familiar voice cuts you out of your thoughts and you perk up to see where its coming from, your heart suddenly racing. It sounded like the quick steps were coming from just around the Corner.

"Where is that Rookie?! He freaking SHOOT her?? What the Hell is going on here?"

The Officer who had fired at you stood up from his Chair outside the Cell where he was watching up. You heard him gulp as he straightens up and braces himself.

"Please. Detective, we need you to calm down."

They were getting closer.

"Don't tell me to calm down right now! Just get me to her!"

You looked up just as they rounded the corner and your eyes immediately lock with Maggies, which made her she stop in her tracks. Alex was close behind her and you heard her sigh in Relief, when she saw you sitting there. The world stopped for a second as the three of you just stared at each other.

"Open the Cell.", Maggies voice came out calmer, but still not with the same amount of Compassion it usually carries.

"I'm sorry Detective. There are protocols. She's dangerous and I can't just..-"

The Rookies next words were cut off by him being slammed against the Wall behind him. He had at least half a foot on Maggie, but she was still holding him against the Wall, her Forearm pressed against his throat.

"Listen Buddy! You are going to open this Cell for me. Right. Now." Her voice was low and dangerous, there is fire in her eyes.

"I suggest you don't say another Word. I'm not even close to being done dealing with you for shooting at my kid! You don't even want to know what you got coming if you don't open this damn Door!"

She let go of him and he looked at her with wide eyes, too scared to even move.

"NOW!"

He stuttered out a quick 'Yes Ma'am' before stumbeling over to the Door and fumbling to unlock it. The second it was open, Alex rushed inside and wrapped you in her arms.

"Oh my god! Y/N! I'm so sorry! I should've look after you better! I'm so glad you're alright!" She pulled back and held your face between her hands, forcing eye contacts as she clarified.

"You're alright, yes?" Hey eyes drifting to your wrapped leg.

You nod and can't help but lean into her touch. You close your eyes and smile a little. You never thought you'd ever miss another's Persons touch, but you sure had.

"What happened Y/N? Why didn't you come back?", Her voice sounded hurt and you tried to sit up and reassure her, but the cuffs made moving around hard.

"Take them off." Maggie was standing slightly behind Alex and had her arms crossed over her chest.

She had barely finished her sentence when the Rookie came over and had you unlocked. Alex now gave you a proper Hug and you could feel the love and worry radiating off her. You looked over her shoulder and locked eyes with Maggie, dread made it's way into your stomach when you weren't able to read her expression.

"Give us some Space." She instructed without breaking your eye contact.

The Rookie and other Officer, that had led them down there, were out ther so quickly, you were sure they were the ones with Power. Maggie finally seemed to Relax. Alex let you go and started to examine your Leg, not caring about the protest that you were giving. It was silent for far to long for your liking and you started to get anxious. A single Light bulb was hanging from the ceiling of the Cell, it flickered and your eyes shot over to it. For a split second, you thought about just zooming out of there.

"Don't." Maggies voice was still sharp, but also soft and it held no venom, like it had with her Colleges.

You turned your head in her direction, ashamed that she knew what you were thinking of.

"You hate me now?" It was meant as a question, but came out more like a statement.

"No! Y/N..That's not." The detective let out a heavy sigh and moved closer to you, kneeling down to be eye level and put her hand on your thigh.

"I'm just worried. You were gone and we had no Idea where you were or if you were Okay."

Alex looked up from where she was making sure your Leg was fine and the bleeding was controlled.

"We were so worried about you.", she added to the conversation.

"I'm sorry. Had to leave. Too Dangerous for you." You look at them with watery eyes, the events from the last couple Days finaly catching up with you.

"I'm....My Powers", you almost spat that word, hating what it made you.

"My Powers are Bad, like me. I'm Bad Person", it came out broken and just above a whisper.

There was no need to hide anything from the two of them anyways, they would always know.

"No! Hey..Don't say that Y/N!" Maggie picked up your Chin and made you look at her.

"You are not Bad. You are one of the smartest, funniest and kidest People I’ve ever meet! Even after everything this World has done to you, you still give it so much Love. Its amazing to witness and be a part of. You are good, you have a good Heart. Just because you have these gifts, doesn't mean you are bad."

Alex was holding your Hand and nodding along with what Maggie was saying.

"She's right. For the short amount of time I was lucky enough to have you in my Life, you have only made it brighter."

Tears were making their way down your Face.

"You mean it?"

"Yes. Of course we do. And Y/N..It's okay to be scared sometimes, but you don't have to run anymore. You don’t have to be guarded. I was scared too when you were gone, but as long as we all stay together, we’ll be fine. I promise you. Forever."

---

You guys had finally made it home. You were unsure if you should've gone with them at first, but that was out of the question for them. Some more protest followed as Alex stitches up your Leg and you were now laying half on Top of her and fast asleep on the couch. She was playing with your Hair and was softly soothing you everytime you flinched our let out a whimper in your sleep. A comfortable silence was in the Air.

"So...", Alex looked up at Maggie with a knowing smirk, her hand never stopping the soft motions over your head.

The brunette was sitting at your Feet and was Knee deep in Files that was spread out across the Table. They still had to find a way to stop Cadmus.

"What, Danvers?" She didn't have to look up, to know exactly what Alex was playing at.

"Your kid, huh?" Maggie stopped writing and put down her Pen to look at the two of you.

Her features immediately softening at the sight. The quick, witty comeback dying on her lips, as she took in the scene in front of her. This was Perfect and everything she never knew she wanted.

"Yeah.” She reached over you and grabbed Alex hand, letting the Moment take over, nothing but love in her eyes.

“She’s ours.”

Alex gave her Hand a soft Kiss and looked down at your sleeping face and nodded.

"She sure is."

A frown took over her Face, thinking of what they were facing next.

"What if they take her?”

"Hey. No, don't worry. They won't. I will fight with everything I have for our Family. I know you will do the same."

Maggie made sure her Tone showed Alex how serious she was about this.

"Yes. I’m oing to be right there next to you.”

Alex whispered as she moved some stray hairs from your exhausted Face.

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@thatcrazybookwormgeek @mysterious-teen-blogger

#supergirl #supergirl imagine #supergirl x reader #alex danvers #alex danvers x reader #maggie sawyer #maggie sawyer x reader #reader interactive #sanvers

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