#When I hit the age of 8 and realised I wasnt good st making friends and stopped trying I just. god.

[dizzybevvie]

I think one of the biggest issues I have is just assuming that Im a back up friend to everyone

#dgmw! its never been a big deal I dont care much and I understand #and this is gonna sound edgy but i find it difficult to feel emotion that isnt really intense? if that makes sense #so i dont think i realise how lonely i am a lot of the time :// #idk. its weird. #I see people at school I would consider myself quite close to because in reality i have like one close friend #and seeing them be so close to their friends hurts a lil yknow? #not mad at them obviously just. around them #Especially when theyre dudes. theyll never understand how jealous i am of them #or that one friend i really enjoy spending time with who admitted to ditching me for their other friends after lying and saying she forgot #again i wasnt mad at her because I understand but. i cant help but feel like Im doing something wrong #im glad she was upfront and honest with me because thats all i ask but i just. UGH #And all the popular kids at my school are actually friendly and nice and funny #But all I can talk about is how to train your dragon and stare for way too long trying to figure out what to say #Its frustrating because I know its not their fault and like. thats the worst part. #All the people at my school who talk to me Im genuinely flattered that they enjoy my company at least a little bit #When I hit the age of 8 and realised I wasnt good st making friends and stopped trying I just. god. #I understand what I'm doing wrong but I dont know how to change without being thoroughly exhausted #and id rather have energy than be liked but #I dont know. I just wish people liked me. #Again I GET that people my age are just assholes and thats part of it. thats why ive never cared abt no one ever crushing on me because #i have a belly and arm hair and a flat face and cellulite and no jawline and thinner eyes and leg hair and a resting bitch face #and I find some of those traits endearing but i know teenage boys wont #its upsetting. i dont know. #all it takes is not being accepted by one (1) guy to be back to being four years old wondering if my dad wouldve stayed if i were a boy #. #Idk. Ill unpack this later (lie) #oversharing on main #rant #vent #apollo says stuff